#is it time for me to take extra anxiety meds... potentially... | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ghostofasecretary · 11 months

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i upped my dose of focus meds in October because i was having A Bad Time getting things done. also then Nakba 2.0 started at the same time i switched over and i have been bowled over with grief and shame and nervous energy to take action and more grief

(i was part of a local movement that recently helped stop a "we uncritically support Israel" statement from going forward in the city council, which is probably not very meaningful but i do think it's better than the alternative, so, yay?)

and i have just been feeling. SO shit lately. i have had 5 days from October 7th to now (5/40 days) where i only did one or two things worth recording in my planner, and only 2 from August 27th-October 6th (2/40 days). there were a few extra days in the pre-switch times where i only did 3 things but i don't think i felt so shit then???

and like. i have had great things in the last month-and-change! i have a new class, i've met some cool people, i've had some good social interactions.

i have also been thinking "i want to die" and "i wish i were dead" WAY MORE OFTEN in the past few weeks than i remember thinking previously. i had some rough days during my hellish job situation but was pretty firmly in "being alive is great and i love it, i'm so glad i'm alive" from March to August this year, i think?? so it's kinda scary to be back to "i wish i could sleep forever" and "if i were dead i wouldn't have to feel so bad" and "oh kill me already"

also i have been taking my PRN anxiety meds waaaaaay more than baseline in the last month. the baseline is 0. i got them in December and, though i needed them then, couldn't take them till January, and in January and February i took them rarely, and then i maaaaybe took them once between March and August but certainly not more.

earlier this year i was like "huh, i really don't think i have general anxiety anymore, just PTSD symptoms after major triggers and the occasional hard time with ADHD symptom management" and today i woke up from a nightmare about my shitty ex visiting me (!?) and--i will spare the details but it sucked ass, and plus it took me *twenty minutes* with *another person helping me* to text someone back today and like. some help with unusually stressful communications is normal but i knew i needed help with this as of 3pm yesterday and did not ask for help till, like, 3pm today. which i don't...think?? is normal for me??

oh god i just remembered another crushing anvil of a contact i haven't replied to, fuck my LIFE

i feel like i have the emotional self-awareness of a bug right now

(please no one suggest therapy i think it would make my life much worse actually and though it may look like i have no clue what's happening inside of me, you certainly have less of a clue)

but also, like, there are some unusual stressors. there's a genocide happening. i've seen a lot more dead bodies in the past month than i usually do. the normal number of dead bodies i see is none. ditto the number of injured people covered in the dust of their bombed homes. and it's The Dark Time as of 12 days ago. my whole family was sick and i had to avoid them for most of October. i have no income and grad school deadlines are approaching and both of those facts are bone chilling.

but i think that my meds may be making my anxiety worse and also making my likelihood to have suicidal thoughts a lot higher. i think.

so i probably need to lower my meds.

even though they *have* helped me focus when i can snap out of the hours long borderline-catatonic dread i get locked in and actually do work i need to focus for

it's. maybe not worth it. probably not worth it. it is genuinely hard to tell

(and like--i requested an upped dosage BECAUSE i was really struggling! and having a hard time doing things! and didn't feel like i could focus. and i felt really bad!! but maybe objectively the anxiety and increased-wanting-to-die are bigger and that outweighs the potential benefits)

(like. i don't think i was having *zero* suicidal ideation before the med increase but i think it was. less? i remember the first "oh shit that's not normal" was before one of my Tuesday calls and. hm. i think it was in October that this started. October 17th or maybe even the 24th? though my mental health has been trending down since August, more generally.

trying to figure out how much current events may be impacting me. covid didn't make me suicidal? --actually it kinda did but i had also just been assaulted and had no routine and a ton of pressure and grief and it was a much worse time for me than this. and most of those thoughts were concentrated in a 5 day period of frantic sleepless essay writing. this situation is like. grief that isn't about me. a degree of shame i think is reasonable to feel. not "i am the worst person on earth" just "i am ashamed to be part of the world that enables this horror and ashamed to be from the only country in the world frothing at the mouth to support it." despairing at how many people have been killed and at how slow anyone is to stop it. i am sad about all that a lot and sorrow doesn't make anyone fast or mega productive, but this major historical event touches me a lot less directly than covid? so maybe it's not actually a good comparison point. i would certainly be happier if Israel (and the US) stopped attacking hospitals and destroying critical infrastructure and trying to erase Palestine and Palestinians from existence)

i remember we tried lowering my dose of antidepressants earlier in the summer because i'd been Feeling Peppy the week i was forced to go off of them, but that did not help. when was that? did that start me getting crazier?? i have no clue

1 day in 8 is a lot more days lost than 1 day in 20. i should probably switch my dose back and suffer through it.

in conclusion: gratgkrhejrisjdkskskekzARGH

i'm gonna go cook

#feelings sorting #personal #ghost speaks #i'm warning for suicidal ideation and nothing else. author chooses not to use content warnings about their own life read at your own risk ig

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thebrownbabywitchisback · 2 years

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I, personally, don't believe fictional characters of pop culture are literal gods, but I do believe that the gods sometimes choose to connect with us through them, especially since they often inspire these characters to begin with. Also, I think the gods know what fictional characters we relate to, so it's probably a very easy and clever way to get to us.

It's just...really important to ask yourself several questions when this happens: How is your mental state? Your emotional state? Are you taking your meds? Are there any other explanations for what you are feeling? Does this have the potential to hurt you?

I didn't accept that Persephone and Hades have reached out to me until I spent a lot of time asking myself "reality check" questions like these. I am currently evaluating a couple of dreams and thoughts that have popped in my head that I feel might have come from Loki (interestingly enough, who I believe might be Loki did not appear to me as Disney/MCU Loki. He rather might have appeared to me as Heath Ledger's Joker telling me to "introduce some anarchy into my life").

Also, I think that there are special energies that surround fictional characters and ideas. For instance, back in 2017, I bought a "heart container" necklace from a lovely crafting lady who made all sorts of Legend of Zelda inspired crafts. I started using it as a bit of a good luck charm for stressful situations even before I realized I was arguably practicing a bit of magic there (I viewed it as having an extra boost to fight my own personal "bosses"). I also bought a T-shirt last year with the triforce on it and have created spells inspired by the triforce. The way I view it is that this symbol in the games is not just a symbol--it is the physical manifestation of courage, power, and wisdom. When I incorporate this symbol in my life, I am using the energy that inspires the triforce to carry those things with me in stressful situations that bring me anxiety.

Another question I ask myself with all of this is if my life has been affected negatively by any of these practices, and I am really critical of my initial answers, because I don't want to believe I could be hurting myself. It sometimes requires me to spend time with myself and a little bit of meditation.

I think pop culture magic/paganism is mostly fine, but as with all magic, you have to make sure you are taking care of yourself and asking yourself the right questions about your magic. And I think if you think the gods might be trying to connect with you through pop culture, it's very important that you separate the gods from the characters just as you have to learn to not take the myths associated with the gods literally (like, if Demeter appears to you as Poison Ivy, remember that Demeter is not literally Poison Ivy, and Poison Ivy, as a character, is not going to always act as Demeter would). Also, I think it's important to realize that pop culture depictions of gods are their own interpretations and often do not completely line up with who the gods are.

#I'm a bit nervous to post this #but here goes #pop culture magic #pop culture paganism

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mercurysstars · 3 years

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All That Glitters Is Not Gold (part 7)

Summary: Y/n gets hired to be the avengers chief physician and also happens to be an ex assassin.

Word count: 3.2k

Warnings: Needles, swear words, reader getting angry.

A/N: Okay y’all so maybe the reader has slight anger issues.

𝘍𝘪𝘹 𝘮𝘦 𝘶𝘱 𝘮𝘺 𝘥𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨.

Y/n suddenly became aware of the very persistent beeping noise in her ear. No matter what she tried she couldn't get it to stop and it was starting to annoy the hell out of her. She cracked her eyes open, the light-flooded her blinding her for a few seconds but her eyes quickly adjusted.

The first thing she noticed was the white plain walls of the Med-Bay. The memories flickered through her head like a flashing light. Y/n looked down to her bandage arm she peeled it back a bit, by looking at her wound she guessed she might have been out a little over a day and a half.

She grabbed the cords attached to her body and yanked them out causing the heart monitor to start flatlining. Wanda shot right up out of a dead sleep at the sound, looking over to make sure her friend was okay. Y/n didn't even know she was there until she spoke up "Oh good you're alive."

Y/n grimaced "Very much so. How long have I been out?"

"A little over a day," Wanda said confirming what she thought. "After FRIDAY alerted us, Barnes got there first to see you all bruised and bloody."

Y/n could tell Wanda was trying to keep the conversation light which she appreciated. She rolled her eyes and chuckled "You should see the other guy."

"Oh trust me I did." Wanda grinned. "I should probably go get bruce though so I'll be right back."

Wanda left her room. Bruce came in and checked her vitals and drew some blood just to make sure there wasn't anything toxic left in her blood. He said that they couldn't use the cradle because it could harm her further so there would be a scar. But Y/n didn't mind much a little bit of meditation and it would be long gone.

Wanda gave Y/n her phone but had to go because Vision needed some help. Y/n was checking some emails and she heard a little sniffle. She looked up to see a red-eyed Peter peaking into her room. She set down her phone and motioned him over. "Hey, Peter what's wrong?"

Peter seemed a little unsure of himself hesitating to speak. He once again sniffles wiping his face with his shirt. In a little voice, he mumbled, "I was scared you were going to die."

Y/n's heart broke into a million little pieces. She didn't know what to say to him. She wanted to comfort him but she didn't know-how. Y/n did the only thing she knew how. Made a joke out of it. "Oh, Pete you know some half-ass assassin can't get the best of me."

Peter chuckled also while hiccuping. He looked down then back at her. He rushed toward Y/n wrapping his arms around her. Y/n slowly wrapped her arm around him the stayed like that for a few seconds. She rubbed his back and patted it. "Can't breathe. Super strength." She choked out.

Peter pulled back standing next to her bed and rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly "I forgot sorry."

"Don't worry about it. And hey get some sleep I'm the one in the Med-bay and you look worst than me."

Peter promised he would. He gave her a get-well card that he bought with his aunt May. He turned to leave. Bucky was standing in the doorway. Peter told him he could go in and left.

Bucky walked into the room. Y/n's face lit up when she noticed him standing there. "Well look who it is. My savior."

Bucky gave a small chuckle. He looked her over. He can't get the image of her lying limp in his arms out of his head. He doesn't think he's ever been that scared or panicked in his life. It became blurry to him after she passed out. He vaguely remembers carrying her the few feet to the med bay and Bruce ordering someone to get him out. Funny how someone can change your life within a few months of knowing them.

"How are you doing." He breathed out turning serious. He sat in the chair next to her bed setting her clothes on the tabled next to them. He couldn't explain it he felt like it was her fault she was in here. Even if he hasn't done it personally.

"Good, I'm good. How's Alpine? I know she has separation anxiety."

"Well, last night she somehow got into my room again. And right now I think she's with Wanda. I'm pretty sure she sneaks her extra treats."

Y/n and Bucky continued to talk. She genuinely enjoyed his company. There was a feeling that she didn't want to name that started to open up whenever he came around. They decided to watch a movie. Y/n was sitting crisscross applesauce and Bucky had his feet kicked up onto her bed while laying back in the chair.

"You actually liked this movie," Bucky exclaimed. Y/n got to pick the movie and she picked newsies. She thought it was the right thing to choose considering it's about young boys in New York. Though it was a little before his time it was basic Bucky and Steve.

"Yes, it was my favorite movie of my teen years. Believe it or not, I thought their New Yorker accents were really hot."

Bucky laughed. He couldn't believe what he was hearing "No way. They are so bad. They aren't even accurate."

"Hey don't judge. I can't help what my teenage hormones find attractive." She jokingly kicked his feet and he put his arms up defensively.

"I'm not, I'm not. It's just that I don't see you like that type of girl. Back in my day, they use to associate accents with thugs or gangs."

"It's the 21st-century hun. Times are different." She put her non-injured hand on her hip.

Bucky raised his eyebrows and smirked "So I'm seeing."

The buzzing of Y/n phone interrupted their conversation. The caller ID read Anthony Y/n put up a finger to signal to give her a moment. She clicked the accept button and a nervous sounding Tony picked up "Hey Y/n how are you? I heard what happened."

Y/n? He never uses her real. That only means one thing. He did something that could potentially piss her off. She was out for one day and this is what happens. "What did you do Tony."

"Okay look so don't be mad when I tell you. Meet me in the debriefing room in 10." He hung up before she got the chance to object.

Y/n slide to the edge of the bed. She swung her feet over. She attempted to stand up but when she put pressure on her foot she nearly collapsed. Y/n didn't remember hitting her foot or anything but it must have been when she dove over her desk. Bucky put his hands on her waist to steady her. "Woah you okay there doll?"

"Yeah. Can you like?" She made a turning motion with her hand. Bucky immediately stood up and turned around.

Y/n took off her hospital gown. Buck caught a glance of 2 long scars crossing her stomach and what looked like to be a burn on her hip through the reflection of the window. He quickly turned away out of respect. Y/n slide on her pants and cleared her throat. "I'm done."

Bucky turns around and sees her supporting most of her weight on her right foot. "Do you want me to get you crutches or a wheelchair?"

"Why would I do that when I have a perfectly good super soldier right here?"

She hobbled over to Bucky and wrapped her good arm around his waist. He rolled his eyes at her being difficult but put his arm around her. He wouldn't admit it but he secretly liked it and thought it was sweet.

They got down to the debriefing room. Tony was pacing around the front muttering something to himself. Y/n and Bucky took up the last two seats. Y/n's foot was throbbing so she put it on the table to elevate it. They waited a couple of minutes for him to start. Natasha finally decided to speak up getting annoyed "You want to tell us what this was about before you burn a hole in the carpet."

Tony stopped to look at them and started to pace again "Okay so I didn't tell you guys everything. That meeting I had was with the UN. They are trying to get General Ross to be ahead of the Avengers instead of Nick Fury."

He paused to let them take it in. Some were confused, and a couple were mad. "Wait are they just trying to do this since we didn't sign the Sakovia accords?" Steve said what most were thinking.

"See that's what I said but they were talking about some bullshit about us being unorganized and dangerous. And the only way they'd stop it is if someone took a truth serum and I said Y/n would."

Oh, this is why he told her not to get mad. She had to take a deep breath so she wouldn't pull off her shoe and beat him with it. Is he stupid? He's a genius but he can't think before he speaks. "So how does it work?" Clint asked.

"Well, they will hook you up to a lie detector machine and inject you with the truth serum. The way it works is that every time you lie the serum will start to burn and your heart rate will start to accelerate."

"So what all do I have to lie about." Y/n finally questioned. She was chewing her lip in contemplation. She's pulled off worst than this and has had more on the line than this.

"What I know for sure is that I said you've been with us for 2 years, you can't tell them how you got that cut and anything that can potentially get us into trouble. Also, you can't take any strong pain meds."

"So basically she has to have one hell of a poker face," Bucky concluded.

Y/n sighs and rubs her head."How long do I have."

"12 hours until wheels up." Tony better buy me so many boxes of pizza she thinks.

Bucky watched as Y/n sat on the floor crisscross applesauce. Her back is the door and the only light in the room is the light from the hallway in the quinjet. Y/n could hear the soft buzz of Bucky's metal arm with her eyes still close she says "You know you can come in Sarge."

That startles Bucky. He walked into the room and sat on the floor taking up space next to her. He looked at her "I came to tell you we are almost there. Are you nervous?"

Y/n thought for a few seconds. Most people in her position would probably be pissing their pants at this moment. Having to go in front of the United Nations and lie straight to their faces. So she answered truthfully "No, no I'm not."

Bucky was surprised. She was genuine in her answer. If it was him he would be having a near stroke. "Really? Anyway so why do meditate it doesn't actually help with anything."

"Actually it does. It helps with my heart rate and it helps me heal faster."

"Oh?" He looked at her expectingly obviously not believing her.

She kicked out her leg and lifted the pant leg to her suit. The bruise was gone and she rotated her foot and wiggle her toes to prove she wasn't in any pain.

Y/n grabbed his shoulder as a crutch to help her get up and grabbed her heels. Bucky looked up at her. "You know I can't seem to figure you out."

Y/n paused and pursed her lips in thought "Somethings are better off left as mysteries." She patted his shoulder and walked out.

Wanda, Natasha, and Y/n broke off from the rest of the Avengers, having to go to the medical room so she could get a mini medical exam.

The girls walk through security. Natasha dropped all of her weapons in a bin so she could pick them up later. They put a device around Wanda's neck so she couldn't use her powers. Y/n could see how uncomfortable it made her. She walked over to Wanda and whispered "I feel bad you have to wear that. You didn't have to come."

Wanda looked at her and have a small sad smile "What you're about to do is worst than this. It's the least I can do for you helping us."

Y/n nodded to her. Security officers escorted them to the medical room. They had Y/n sit on a bed. They made her pee in a cup, took her blood, and checked her medical history. Natasha was giving her advice. While she knew most things it was still nice having someone coach her through and remind her of it.

When they finished Wanda went to join the rest of the Avengers. Natasha walked her to the door she adjusted Y/n's suit "You've got this. We'll be supporting you in the crowd."

"Thank you Nat for everything really." She hugged her and Natasha gave Y/n's arm a reassuring squeeze.

Y/n took a deep breath. She stepped into the room. The room was a half-circle shape with large windows behind it. In the back were journalists and reporters. And in the front were the UN personnel were located. Y/n walked past the Avengers and took her seat in the middle of the room.

Y/n could feel everyone's eyes on her. She got blinded momentarily from the flashes of the cameras. She looked over to the Avengers. Tony, Bruce, Clint, and Steve at the end. Bucky in the middle. And Sam, Natasha, Wanda, and Vision on the other end. Wanda gave her 2 thumbs up and Y/n smiled back at her.

Staff came over and started to unpack and hook her up to the lie detector machine. They took off the jacket to her suit and connected wires to three fingers on her right hand. They put a blood pressure cuff on her left tricep and inflated it. Ross stood up and cleared his throat being the room's attention on him.

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I'm General Ross and I will be doing the questioning on the behalf of the UN."

He turned his gaze to Y/n. "We're going to test the lie detector first." Y/n nodded to him and he began.

"Is your legal name Y/n Y/l/n?"

"Yes." Y/n states.

"True." The man in the chair next to her says.

He looked down at the paper he had in his hand looking for his next question. "Very well. Were you born Y/B/D 1995?"

"Yes."

"True."

"Are you nervous?"

Natasha's words come back to Y/n. Lie once. Lie about something small. So they don't get suspicious. Y/n let her heart rate pick up a bit and purposely avoided eye contact. "No."

"Lie."

"It's okay to be nervous. God knows I would." Ross joked a few people chuckled and Y/n had to physically hold back an eye roll. He thinks he got her but in reality, he's right where she wanted.

He nodded to the staff and they walked over to her and began to prep her. They cleaned a small area of her arm with an alcohol pad. "This might hurt a bit." One muttered.

They stuck the needle into her arm and injected the serum. At first, it felt cool but then it hit her all at once it felt like someone poured a pan of grease on her. Y/n's skin was on fire, she bit her cheek so hard it nearly drew blood.

Bucky watched as Y/n closed her eyes and took a deep breath. If it was anything like the Super Soldier serum he knew it burn. She opened her eyes and if he didn't witness it he wouldn't even know it happened seconds ago.

General Ross walked back to the front and began to speak "We are ready to proceed. Did it hurt? I've never tried it."

"Yes." Like a bitch.

"What role do you play for the Avengers? Tony mentioned you've been there for 2 years."

"I'm their Chief Physician." The second part of his sentence was a statement so she missed lying by an inch.

"True."

He asked questions like that for a while or worded them differently. The questions were getting repetitive and Y/n was getting bored and impatient. She hasn't had to lie yet not that she wanted to. Especially not when she has the truth serum from hell injected in her veins.

"Have the Avengers ever put you in any unnecessary danger?" Ross questioned.

"Never." She replied trying not to bounce her leg.

"True."

"Tell me Miss Y/l/n how did you get that cut? It looks pretty deep." He paused seemingly watching for her reaction.

"My cat. She has some pretty mean claws." Y/n stated without missing a beat. She felt the burn of the serum. It wasn't as bad as the injection but damn did it fucking hurt. Despite that Y/n kept a straight face starting to get annoyed with him. She could hear the flutter of the cameras.

"True."

"Would you consider Miss Maximoff unstable in any way, shape, or form?"

Y/n has to stop her eyes from going wide. What the hell kind of question was that besides rude. It's like he wants her to lash out at him. "No."

The man watches the monitor for a few seconds "True." He finally says.

"Would you consider Mr. Barnes dangerous?"

The audacity of this man. You want to see someone dangerous? Let's see how dangerous I am when I choke you out with this cord that's wrapped around my finger- "No"

"True."

"Are you aware of his past?"

"Very much so. And that where it should stay the past. I don't know what you're trying to get at general."

"True."

"Were you aware that we are starting a search for Lilith and anyone with information on her that doesn't come forward will be sent to the raft? And were you aware that if we find her we are ordered to kill on sight?"

Y/n gets a bitter taste in her mouth. This cannot be happening. She can't freak out right now. She clenched her jaw "No I was not aware of either."

"True."

"Very well that's all." Ross returned to his seat among the UN.

The staff came over and unhooked her from the machine. Y/n felt like she could finally breathe. She stood up and walked out without glancing back. The Avengers did the same meanwhile getting swarmed with paparazzi.

Part 8

My mini taglist

@theashlynbarnes @writingonabrokenwall

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky x y/n #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #bucky x you #bucky x female reader #bucky fic #bucky fanfic #james buchanan barnes

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thebibliosphere · 5 years

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I don't want to stress you out so feel free to just delete my message if this is a topic you're avoiding! I was wondering how you're handling all the panic around coronavirus. I'm immunocompramised and even 'the common cold' will knock me on my ass for weeks and the only reassurance I'm hearing is that it doesn't kill healthy people. I'm trying to reassure myself that people are more likely to wash their hands& the like during the outbreak, but I was hoping you might share some thoughts?

Immunocompromised solidarity fist bump. I too am only just now getting back on my feet after the cold I caught two weeks ago, and I do mean back on my feet in a very literal sense. That shit knocked me six ways from Sunday and now suddenly people are telling me it’s March. Amazing.

That said, when it comes to coronavirus, I’m treating it like every flu season. Which is to say, the usual annual fear and preparedness that comes from being immunocompromised and surrounded by privileged, healthy people who don’t seem to understand the importance of handwashing and covering their mouths when they cough or sneeze all of the time, not just when we’re facing a possible global pandemic.

What I am having to factor in now, however, is other people’s panic, and the fact that healthy and able-bodied people are buying up medical supplies that disabled and chronically ill people need to use, sometimes on a daily basis, despite the fact that things like paper face masks really won’t protect them from something like the COVID-19 virus, not least of all because they don’t know how to use them, and don’t know how to take them on and off without the risk of contamination. Same with vogmaks. Vogmasks should never be used to prevent the spread of illness, firstly because their filter doesn’t work that way (it’s not small or well fitted enough) and secondly because as a reusable mask, it’s a high risk of contamination every time you put it on, especially given that vogmask comes with a fitted filter, and washing the mask renders the filter into mulch. So using a vogmask in a contagion type situation is highly not recommended, and if one has to be used, it should be discarded immediately afterward. This hasn’t stopped people from panic buying them in droves, however, and as of March 2nd 2020 the official store is still out of stock, meaning that people like myself who need them to go outside due to pollen and air pollutant risks aren’t able to get our hands on them. Heck, we can’t even get our hands on regular paper masks, and the ones that are available are selling on Amazon for $200 a pop and are not properly made and are not certified medical grade. Fuck, even my SIL’s hospital where she works is running out of masks, all because people are panic buying.

Which sure was the long way round of me saying, I’m more pissed than worried.

Oh sure I’m worried, but no more so than I am for usual cold and flu season because every year is a potential risk to my health and longevity of life. And while I think some worry is healthy and entirely understandable, I also think it’s important not to let it escalate to full-blown “gargling with bleach” panic, which yes, is apparently a thing people are asking google if you should do. Cause, y’know, can’t catch coronavirus if you’re dead...

Being alert and aware is good, being prepared is good, and sure, it’s probably a good idea to make sure you’ve got some extra meals in the freezer and an extra package of two of toilet paper in the house just in case all of humanity grinds to a halt for a few weeks. (also stock up on any meds you might need) But I’m also not lying awake at night worried about it. I’m far too busy lying awake at night worried about my own body and the things it’s capable of all on its own. So yeah, am I more at risk from something like COVID-19? Yes. Am I worried about it? Yes. Do I find it completely callous, ableist and utterly monstrous to hear able-bodied and healthy people saying things like “don’t worry, it’s only going to kill the weak”, abso-fucking-lutely. I’m legit one more comment like that away from drowning a motherfucker.

But I’m also trying very hard not to let panic and fear rule my life. Which is basically how I’ve been living for the last 5 years anyway if I’m honest. It’s so very, very easy at the moment to look around and be consumed by terror, and if I’m honest, it happens to me at least ten times a day before I’m able to reel it back in and do what I can about it. Which in this instance, is taking care of myself, and taking a few extra precautions here and there to avoid potential sickness.

So yeah, I don’t know if any of this is reassuring, cause honestly, I’m not sure how to reassure myself sometimes. But I also acknowledge that anxiety and stress take a toll on my immune system, and I need to do what I can to stay calm and not weaken an already fragile vessel any further. So I’m taking my meds, I’m practicing good hygiene habits, I’m avoiding people where possible, and generally just trying to live my life as safely and as best I can in a world where people cite the death of people like me as an acceptable statistic provided they make it out all right. Sad, pissed, and resolved to outlive every one of the motherfuckers if it’s the last thing I do.

Take care of yourself. I know you will, but take extra care of yourself. Be kinder than usual, allow yourself to rest more, stock up on your meds if you can, get some extra food in the freezer so you don’t have to expend energy going grocery shopping. And toilet paper. Trust me, you never want to run out of toilet paper while in self-imposed quarantine.

#petaluhsims #chronic health tag #I hope some of this makes sense #I have a lot of complicated thoughts on the matter #and most of them are me trying to curtail the white noise of panic

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kamyru · 4 years

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My Top 10 Voltage Guys. Ordered as favorites and as most likely to get along with in real life (2021 Version)

2022 Version

2023 Version

I was thinking for a while about who are my favorite Voltage guys. So, there’s the top. But it’s not so interesting to say whom you like more and that’s why I not only have made a top with them, but have another one where they are ordered as whom I am most likely to date/get along with in real life. Also, everyone who wants, can make something like this, too. It will be very interesting to see how different are people. You can send me request with each character in this list. It will be fun to write about them.

My favorite Voltage guys:

10. Rikiya Mononobe (After School Affairs)

9. Yosuke Sagara (Kings Of Paradise)

8. Hiroshi Kirisawa (Metro PD: Close To You)

7. Rei Rindoh (Destind: Mr. Almost Right)

6. Hyogo Kaga (Her Love In The Force)

5. Munechika Takado (Romance MD: Always On Call)

4. Hideki Ishigami (Her Love In The Force/My Sweet Bodyguard)

3. Toshiaki Kijima (Irresistible Mistakes)

2. Toshiki Kasumi (Romance MD: Always On Call)

1. Jun Araki (Irresistible Mistakes)

And now, the funniest list.

My favorite Voltage guys, but ordered as I’m most likely to date/get along with in real life

10. Yosuke Sagara ↓1

Firstly, I don't think a person like him exists. Secondly, I am very calm and collected, but even I will face-palm at his antics. I think I'm too sarcastic and normal for someone like him. I'll just cringe every time we are in public. He'll be unhappy with someone like me. He is a big, soft child. And I'm the youngest one in my family. I don't know how to act with children.

9. Hyogo Kaga ↓3

I don't want a relationship like he has with MC. I know that he is a softie deep inside, but sometimes I need to be sure that I'm loved. And I can't read the room. If you want something from me, or to say something to me, say it straight, otherwise it won't hit the apple. And I'm not so extra. I need cuddles and am vanilla. And he has a dangerous job.

8. Jun Araki ↓7

I looooove this man. But I don't think I have enough energy to deal with someone like him. He has his own demons and is married to his job. I would feel constantly unimportant with someone like him. He is too unapproachable and unreadable for me. And two people who bottle up their feelings won't work together very good.

7. Toshiki Kasumi ↓5

Don’t get me wrong. I really love this man. I am waiting for more stories with him and he has potential to move higher in my top of favorite Voltage guys. But he is too good for me. He is an perfect human angel. Also, it’s the same case as with Jun. We both don’t talk about our feelings. The only reason he’s higher, is because he’s a doctor and I’m a med student.

6. Toshiaki Kijima ↓3

I'm a tease, sarcastic and has dark humor. I love Toshiaki with all my heart and I would really date someone so caring, loving and cute. And the fact that he is so strict at work, but so soft for his love... But I think he'll suffer because of my humor.

5. Hideki Ishigami ↓1

Another super-mega tough cookie, with sweet heart, that people think is incapable of love, but is head over heels for his girl. But his dangerous job... And the fact that he isn't as receptive at teasing as those that are higher than him...

4. Rikiya Mononobe ↑6

He has humor. He is mysterious. He has eyes only for his love. He is good with animals. He is a wonderful teacher. Why not higher? The competition is just too tight. I just love more the ones that are higher.

3. Hiroshi Kirisawa ↑5

He's lower because he has a dangerous job. And if we are real, it's hard to live with someone who has a dangerous job, especially if I take into consideration that I have some issues with anxiety and if someone disappears for hours I am afraid that something bad happened. But he's so funny and caring too.

2. Rei Rindoh ↑5

I love how vocal about his feelings he is. Also, he is funny, caring, loving, more sociable than me, like animals. He is one of the few Voltage guys with whom your mental health won't vanish. A normal, loving, funny guy. Treasure with capital T.

1. Munechika Takado ↑4

So, if Takado and Rei had a lovechild that is send to spend his childhood with Ishigami and Kaga, the child would be my real life boyfriend. That’s why Takado and Rei are so high. I love Takado because he’s funny, caring, very intelligent. I know how to deal with people like him. Also, he’s a doctor. He would have a lot to teach me. And he is weird. I love weird people.

__________

If someone wants to do something like this, I’ll be very happy to read your tops. And please, tag me if you do it, to be able to see every post and like them. ❤️

#destind: mr. almost right #metro pd: close to you #her love in the force #irresistible mistakes #after school affairs #romance md: always on call #kings of paradise #my sweet bodyguard #rikiya mononobe #yosuke sagara #hiroshi kirisawa #rei rindoh #hyogo kaga #hideki ishigami #jun araki #toshiki kasumi #toshiaki kijima #munechika takado

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spookybreadstick · 3 years

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Hello! Congrats on 100 followers!anyways im requesting a premium matchup.

- I'm nonbinary (vae/vaer/xe/xem/they/then)

- Demisexual Omni

- I like to read, write, draw, and generally do those sorts of creative things

-I definitely don't like being forced to talk, have physical contact with other people, and move around, it kinda just makes me almost crash except im on edge and paranoid but nothing's processing

-Personality type is INTP-T

-Sun Sign is Pisces, Moon Sign is Gemini, and my ascendant is a Leo

-I'm fairly tall, 5 feet 9 inches (175.26 centimeters) to be exact

-I'm very pale and skinny

-I have naturally red hair, on the darker side, it's think and wavy

-It may possibly be in a grown out mullet to but who knows?

-I have blue/green/grey eyes that almost always have bag under

-My style is kinda just button down, flannels, plaids, turtlenecks, tank tops, hoodies, sweaters, trenchcoat (i have this one dark purple one that i love), vests, wide brimmed hats, bennies, jeans, skirts, knee high and thigh high socks, and boots

-My love language is Quality Time

-No gender preference

-Blacklist: Jeff the Killer, Ben, Toby or any of the slender brothers

-Extra info:

-ADHD, anxiety, and insomnia (on meds for all of them)

-I need reminders to take our meds, eat, use the bathroom, generally anything thats just basic hygine or health

-We have a hard time showing affection and empathy

-I've been told i have a bit of a resting bitch face

-I tend to bottle up emotions

-I'm semi-verbal and not big on physical contact (though I do like late night cuddles and kisses)

-I don't like people, I'm generally not good with them

-I have some motor tics

-If I have a panic attack it tends to trigger a tic attack if I'm able to calm down quickly (like.. less then five minutes)

-I like most music other than country and christian

-I tend to overwork myself alot (Without doing anything most of the time)

-I love stargazing and watching stars

-Driving around in the woods late at night? love it

-I also find bathing together romantic for some reason

-If I'm scared, or freak out or something bad happens; generally just if my brain goes from clam or really any feelings to panic then my brain kinda forces us to dissociate and it blocks out what happened

-I also don't move when that happens

-Random stim is just softly blowing air through my mouth

-One of my tics is well I'll put my arms over my head, my forearms pressed up against the back for my head and the top of my head tilted towards my knees and if i try to move my leg just twitchs (its whacked me in the head a few times) it usually last a minute or two

-Oh yeah my name is Ares (like the god of War)

Anyways hope thats enough info for you 😘 love ya breadstick/p hope you have a good day

you sent this in twice (no worries) but basically had the same information so i just combined them both into one! :) hope that’s okay!

few things about your ask i’d like to mention: a) this was so hard, i was so torn between two of the pastas but in the end I picked EJ although really it could have been either of the two tbh b) i like reading and writing too! c) i’ve always thought that red hair is so beautiful c) my ascendant is Leo as well! d) you’re like the third or fourth person i’ve done a match-up for that has a mullet look going on! you all should start a club or something lol! e) i’ve been told i have resting sad/stressed out face. like i’ll be totally calm but apparently i just look nervous or upset? f) that name is so cool omg!

💝💝💝 I Match You With: EJ!

Similar Likes: reading (or in his case, being read to), listening to music, drawing (he used to anyway and he still likes to doodle),

Similar Dislikes: being forced to talk to or interact with people, physical touch when it’s not wanted,

Why You'd Make A Good Match: EJ needs somebody who’s a romantic type like you to get him to open up to people and to realize that he’s somebody worth loving. Being with you makes him actually enjoy his life. In return, you get a caring and protective boyfriend. He will always be sure to remind you to take care of yourself (he’s especially on top of your medications, because he keeps them in a special little pill box in his ‘office’). He can’t cook for you unfortunately, but he will always remind you when it’s time to eat. And for times when you’re non or semi verbal, he will become shockingly good at guessing what you need or want. At the start, it will be rough to convey what you’re ‘saying’ since he can’t see you very well, but he is a fast learner and will pick up on your own little ‘language’.

Potential Relationship Clashes: Just as you can rely on EJ for your needs, there are some things that he will have to rely on you for. He will sometimes need you to be his eyes, and to help him with simple tasks that require more of his sight than he has. EJ’s pretty good about handling himself, but he will sometimes need a helping hand and as his partner he would like you to be the one to do it but he also doesn’t want to stress you out. Also, just a minor thing, but if you’re stimming or ticcing then you’ll have to let him know (in the beginning at least, before gets properly accustomed to your sounds and sudden movements) so he doesn’t get confused about what’s happening.

What He Loves The Most About You: EJ loves just being with you because you make him happy. You also give him purpose and make him feel good about himself, that he can take care of somebody and love them (thus making him definitely not the monster he fears he is, because monsters don’t know how to love). You just make him happy, and he hopes he makes you feel the same.

#💝#this-person-who-does-stuff #Matchup #creepypasta matchups #Matchups #EJ #ej creepypasta #💝 matchups #spookybreadstick

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chickensarentcheap · 4 years

Text

Best Part of Me - Chapter 1 (Six Months Later)

HUGE THANK YOU TO @tragiclyhip FOR THE AMAZING BANNER! BEAUTIFUL AS ALWAYS <3

WARNINGS: PROFANITY, Daddy Tyler (and not in the perverted way, so if that’s what you’re looking for, move along), fluff (is that a warning? lol)

TAGGING: @c-a-v-a-l-r-y, @alievans007, @thunderintheshadows, @innerpaperexpertcloud

The school is two blocks from the centre of Cooktown; a one story U shaped building situated on a dead end with two acres of fenced in green space and a large, elaborate playground. It's four miles from home, and while normally the kids take the bus, Tyler finds himself parking downtown to avoid the crowded street and parking, then back tracking. Crowds still bother him; too many strangers, too much noise, too much activity. His hyper-vigilance still very much a nuisance; instincts and reflexes always on high alert when away from the comfort and familiarity of home. A combination of new meds have helped considerably; he is no longer as agitated, his temper doesn't flare up as easily, and his anxiety attacks were less frequent.

Keeping busy helps. There is always something to do with fifteen acres of property, five kids to help raise, and a small side business that he and Ovi started together. He doesn't have the time to be bored or to allow his mind to slip away to the 'bad place'; caught up with being domestic and the familiarity and routine that comes with it He finds that he thrives on those things. Craves them, in fact. More than he ever thought that he would. Night is when things get especially hard; when everyone else is at rest and the pain and the lingering sleep issues keep him awake. He has time to think then. An opportunity to think about the life he had before. It's not that he misses it. There's no desire to return; he doesn't miss travelling the world, spending time away from his family, hurting people, killing people. But after so many years, the job has become so ingrained in him that letting go is proving to be harder than he thought it would.

When he arrives at the school, he lets himself into the property through the back gate, taking a winding cobblestone walkway to the side of the building; where he'd meet the kids instead of them being ushered to one of the waiting buses, joining dozens of other parents that wait for the dismissal bell. Half a year later and he still finds himself scanning the crowd and the surroundings; eyes taking in everything around him, brain always at the ready to spot anything even remotely suspicious or could be considered a potential threats. Even on a school yard or at a park, he's always on alert, filled with that lingering fear and worry that there is always the chance that someone is watching or waiting to catch him off guard. So he notices -as he always does on the rare pick up day- the attention that he garners. It's always from the mothers; the running joke at home that he's the 'insanely hot dad on the playground'. He's heavier now; a total of twenty-five points since Dhaka six years ago. Ninety percent of the extra weight being solid muscle. He carries it well; mostly through the chest, arms, and shoulders. Even in a simple pair of weathered jeans and a plain grey t-shirt it's noticeable, and he sees the way a couple of mothers huddle together and begin whispering between one another, sizing him up the entire time.

Adeline begins to fuss in the baby carrier he sports. She's two weeks old; impossibly tiny -a mere five pounds, ten ounces when she was born- and so much like her mother. A head full of dark, wavy hair, enormous dark eyes and the splatter of freckles across the bridge of her nose. The 'odd duck' they often affectionately tease; the other four looking -and for the most part acting- just like him. He lifts the corner of the receiving blanket shielding her from the sun, a palm gently cupping the back of her head, his thumb repeatedly brushing against her ear; effectively lulling her back to sleep before covering her back up. The only thing visible two tiny bare feet poking out from the bottom of the blanket.

The mothers take it as a sign to make their move, and soon he has half a dozen surrounding him. All wanting to see the baby, all asking questions at once: Name. Age. What kind of sleeper? What kind of eater? How many siblings?. Each of them reacting with wide, shocked eyes when he tells them that she's the last of five. It's surreal even to him sometimes. A little over six years ago he was close to putting a gun to his head, now he's attending soccer games and dance recitals and getting up in the middle of the night to change diapers and fetch bottles.

Millie is out shortly after the bell rings, chatting and laughing with classmates as she steps through the door. A My Little Pony backpack over her shoulders and Spiderman sandals on her feet; another drawing for the fridge clasped tightly in her hand. Out of the three older kids, she's the one that has adapted the best. Easily making friends, impressing the teacher with how intelligent and athletic she is, but never taking any shit from the bigger kids and the bullies on the playground. And she gives him a bright smile when she sees him, stopping momentarily to remove her shoes and stuff them in her backpack, then racing over in her bare feet.

“Hi daddy!” she chirps, and he wraps an arm around her waist and effortlessly hoists her up onto his hip. She takes his face in her hands, kissing him noisily before peeking under the receiving blanket. “Hi Addie,” she whispers, and then leans in to give her baby sister a peck on the nose. She'd been relieved when she hadn't gotten another brother. There'd been no need to trade this one in for a puppy.

“Let her sleep,” Tyler says, and places Millie on the ground. “Don't wake her up.”

She begins waving her classmates over to see her baby sister, and he finds himself crouching down to give the curious five and six year old's a look. His oldest proudly boasting about her 'brand spanking new' sibling and instructing them not to wake her up 'or else'. Tyler isn't sure what 'or else' means, but usually at home it's a warning to her brothers that she's about to kick some ass.

When he stands up, Millie's teacher is approaching. Young -late twenties to early thirties at the most- all long legs and torso and tiny waist; long blond hair always pulled back into a ponytail or tossed up into a messy bun. Always friendly. If not a little too friendly. Way too chatty and a little too 'touchy feely' as far as he's concerned. And he wonders if maybe that's just her personality; flirtatious by nature.

“Oh shit,” Millie grumbles, and rolls her eyes before giving a fake smile and an overly sweet, “Hello Miss Pence,” as her teacher arrives on the scene.

“Amelia,” she greets, and the soon to be six year old glares at her. “How nice of you to bring your dad along.”

She issues a sigh of exasperation. “I didn't bring him. He came to get us.”

“Don't be mouthy,” Tyler scolds, and she gives a pout and then wraps her arms around one of his thighs, her eyes narrowed and her brow furrowed as she stares daggers at her teacher.

“We haven't seen you in a long time,” Miss Pence gushes, and Tyler moves his arm away when she attempts to place her hand on it.

“I've been busy.”

“I've heard. Baby number five! Is this her?”

“Don't touch her,” Millie snaps. “My sister is sleeping.”

“She's sleeping,” Tyler confirms, and plucks the edge of the blanket out of the woman's hand before she can pull it back.

“And just so you know,” Millie continues. “My daddy is married. To my mom.”

“Okay...that's enough...” he gently admonishes his daughter. “Watch your tone with people. Easy now.”

“We're having problems with that,” Miss Pence sighs. “She's so smart but she gets....well, you know....so mouthy.”

“Only to people who deserve it,” Millie defends herself.

Tyler lays a hand on the back of his daughter's head, giving the teacher a polite smile. “My wife and I will take care of it.”

“If you ever want to call me so we can chat one one one about it, I can give you my...”

“My wife and I will take care of it,” he repeats, and the young blond holds her hands up in surrender and slinks away.

“What?” Millie asks innocently when he looks down at her. “I don't like her. I don't like how she looks at you, daddy.”

“Yeah? And I don't like you talking to her like you did. That's your teacher. You don't talk like that to your teacher. To anyone.”

“Well I don't like how she looks at you and I don't think mommy would like it either. And she was going to wake Addie up! What...” she places her hands on her hips and glares at him “...if she asks you out on a date?”

“I'm married. To your mom.”

“Miss Pence doesn't care.'

“Well, I do. I'm married to your mom and I'm staying married to your mom. So....”

“She probably wants to kiss you,” Millie huffs “And do other things. That make babies.”

He frowns, opening his mouth to reprimand her, only to be interrupted by the twins -already bare foot- racing towards them, accompanied by their teacher' a short, portly woman with shoulder length grey hair. A surprisingly tender and sweet woman despite her harsh appearance and constant stern expression.

“We had another one of those days,” she sighs, and lays a hand on TJ's head. “Not as bad as the others, but bad enough. Threw a chair, turned over a desk. I know things have been hard on him over the past few months. But we're running out of options and the principal is running out of patience.”

He wants to say 'fuck the principal'; the kid had just turned five, and was still struggling to adapt to a new life, in a new country, thousands of miles away from the only home he'd ever known. They're all struggling. In one way or the other.

“Dylan Patterson called me stupid,” TJ explains. “Twice! So...” he shrugs. “...I got mad.”

“Mad is never a good option,” his teacher says, and lays her hands on his shoulders. “And violence is never the answer.”

Tyler smirks. He wants to ask her if she's ever heard of killing two people with one garden rake. But he decides against it.

“I heard him say it, daddy,” Tanner speaks up. “I heard him call Teej stupid.”

“You just saying that because he's your brother and you want to protect him, or...”

“No! He really said it!” Tanner insists. “I heard him. I wouldn't lie about that.”

It's true. The kid never lies. Always coming clean and fessing up for things that he does.

“Daddy,” Millie tugs at his arm, and motions for him to lean down, then presses her mouth to his ear once he does. “Dylan Patterson is a dick head. He's mean to everyone.”

He frowns. “You're sure?”

Millie nods, then bounces up and down on her heels, obviously proud of herself for solving the problem.

Tyler decides to dismiss the teacher and her concerns. For now. TJ's problems are no secret. Behavioural issues that had seemed to start out of nowhere and just escalating; a hair trigger temper that he can't seem to control and doctors seem at a loss when it comes to treating. They -parents and physicians alike- keep hoping it will pass; that being in a new house, new school, new country will just get easier on him and his problems with pass as quickly as they developed. Or that as he matures, he'll mellow out.

“Okay guys...we gotta go...” he checks backpacks; making sure they have everything they need to come home with them and there won't need to be any trips back. Lunch bags, shoes, homework. The latter seeing absurd for that kids that young. “...we gotta pick some things up for mommy.” He lays a hand on the back of Millie's head, gently moving her in front of him, the twins sidling up beside him, each grabbing a pocket on his jeans.

“I hope you and your wife will talk about this!” TJ's teacher calls after them. “We need to get a handle on this!”

He gives a polite, tight lipped smile over his shoulder, then looks down at the kids and grumbles, “Let's get the fuck out of here.”

All three kids burst into hysterical laughter.

****

They run errands in town; picking up a small load of groceries for that night's dinner and breakfast in the morning, and a special treat for mommy at her favourite store in town: a small cafe that caters in cupcakes and nothing but. Afterwards Tyler takes them to the park; a chance for them to expel any excess energy that school didn't flush out of their systems. It's empty and he's grateful for that; even the smallest of interactions at the school have him feeling anxious. All the mothers that had flocked around him, the 'too friendly teacher', having to listen to someone fake sincerity when talking about his son's issues. He prefers keeping to himself; the occasional trip into town for groceries or prescriptions or things at the hardware store more than enough to fulfill his desire to be out in the public. Craving solitude; perfectly content to just stay in his own or on his own property. He knows that isn't logical; he needs to be a functioning member of society and the only way to heal some of the past pain and trauma was to get out of his comfort zone. To challenge himself. And he hadn't even realized just how deeply his mental issues effected him until one day the mere idea of going into a grocery store was enough to bring on a panic attack; the thought of the crowd and the noise and having to actually talk to people.

It's disheartening, to say the least. When you look in the mirror and no longer recognize yourself. He'd thought that it would be different; the job and the horrors that often came with it turning him into a tougher person, not a weaker one. It doesn't matter how strong he was on the outside; on the inside he often feels weak and vulnerable and absolutely fucking hates it. Even at an empty park he can't fully relax; eyes constantly scanning the treeline instead of concentrating solely on his children, attention diverted from them with each car or pedestrian that passes by. He despises it; the seemingly constant state of alertness. By now he'd thought it would be getting better; it's been six months since he's left the job. But it only seems to be getting worse.

Still, he toughens it out; planting a smile on his face, trying his best to acknowledge every time one of the kids yells 'daddy look!', resisting the urge to constantly survey his surroundings.

He's sitting on one of the park benches -baby laying along his as he feeds her from a bottle he'd brought with him from the car- when his namesake saunters over, yawning loudly as he plops down beside. Lying down on his side with his legs tucked into his core, head resting on Tyler's thigh; reaching out to take hold of the bottle, so his dad can drape his arm over him.

“What's up?” Tyler asks, as he rubs his son's shoulder. “Tired?”

TJ shrugs.

“You wanna talk about what's going on at school? Because what the fuck, mate?”

TJ looks up at him, grinning.

“Don't tell your mom I say that word around you guys, okay?”

“Okay,” TJ agrees, and once against rests his cheek on Tyler's leg.

“You can't do sh...things...like that at school. You can't do them anywhere. Not even at home. I know you get pissed off but you can't freak out like that. Throw chairs and desks and sh...stuff...like that. You just can't. You hear me?”

“I can't help it,” his son says. “I really can't.”

“What do you mean you can't? You know what you're doing, yeah? Well if you know what you're doing, you can help it. You've got to calm down. Take a breath when you feel like that. Ask the teacher to leave the room. We talked about this. More than once.”

“I can't help it,” TJ insists. “It just happens. I just get so mad. I get so mad and I just do things.”

“What makes you mad?”

“I don't know. Lots of stuff. When there's too much noise and I can't hear the teacher. When someone chews their food too loud. When someone says mean things. Not just me but to other people. Makes me want to punch them right in the face!”

“Well let's not go around punching people in the face, okay? You need to learn to calm yourself down. You can't act like that. Not at school, not at home, not anywhere. Do you see me throwing stuff around when I get mad?”

“No. You just yell a lot. And really loud too.”

“Okay, well that's not exactly the best way to handle things either,” Tyler admits. “I shouldn't yell like that. Especially not at your mom. And especially not at you guys. It's scary, yeah? When I yell?”

“A little,” TJ says. “It's a little scary.”

It hurts his heart to hear that; he remembers being a scared little boy hiding in his bedroom closet as his father went on rampages. But he never stopped at just yelling; he took things that extra step, using his fists and his feet and anything he could get his hands on to terrorize Tyler's mother. And eventually Tyler himself. And he swore he'd never be like that. That he would never, ever cause that same kind of torment.

“I hate my brain,” his son laments. “I hate how it works. It doesn't work right.”

Tyler sighs. He can understand that feeling; his own brain is a fucking disaster. He can't help but wonder if maybe some of this is his fault. If maybe he's always been messed up but it didn't surface until he was older. If maybe Austin's cancer and his abandonment of him had been what kick started the whole thing. And if maybe he's the reason why TJ is the way he is. That he's passed down some damaged gene that is causing his namesake the issues he's going through.

There it is. Guilt. It always finds him. Regardless of the situation.

“You'll fix it, right daddy?” TJ asks, those blue eyes full of tears as he looks up at him. “My brain? You'll fix it right?”

Tyler gives him a reassuring smile and leans down to press a kiss to his son's forehead. “I'll do my best, mate.”

****

She's in the kitchen when they arrive home, engaged in a heated discussion with someone over the phone. Leaning stomach first against the island, cordless phone pressed to her ear, a pad of paper in front of her, alternating between twirling a pen between her fingers and angrily tapping it against the granite. Declan on the floor between her feet; busily -and happily- emptying out the entire contents of the pots and pans cupboard. And she glances up as they all enter, giving a small, weary smile before turning her attention back to the phone call at hand.

He sets the baby carrier on the floor and tends to the kids' usual after school routines. It's something so simple and seemingly mundane, yet he likes the simplicity of it. The same thing, every day. Nothing unexpected. He'd spent too many years dealing with that kind of bullshit; things going wrong, having to think quick in order to keep himself (and sometimes others) alive, always having to 'expect the unexpected'. Now even the simplest of things gives him a sense of stability and calm. Even if it is unpacking school bags and cleaning out lunch pails, getting the kids to take their homework outside onto the back porch, and setting them up with the snacks that Esme has already laid out on their favourite coloured plates.

“They put me on fucking hold,” she whispers to Tyler as he steps back into the kitchen, laying a hand on her hip and pressing a kiss to the side of her head in greeting. “Twice! Fucking twice! You should talk to these assholes.”

“You're way scarier than I am,” he teases, and crouches down to clean up the mess that Declan has made; it's the OCD tendencies that have cropped up with the PTSD; a need for cleanliness and organization, which are extremely hard things to achieve with five kids in the house.

“They're such dicks,” Esme grumbles, and then giggles and directs a kick in his direction when he presses a kiss to the back of her neck, the scruff of his beard scraping against the sensitive skin. “Do you mind?” she squeals and wriggles away when she feels the scratch against the back of her other knee. “And would you get your son out of there? He's been a little shit since we woke up. Getting into everything. Dumping the dog food, dumping the water bowl, getting into the toilet.”

“He's a ginger, what did you expect?” he scoops Declan up off the floor, a hand on the back of that strawberry blond head as he presses a kiss to the toddler's cheek. “Aren't they all trouble?”

“Well if you hadn't have left me alone with the cable man, he would have been yours,” she retorts, and then gives him a wink and a playful slap to the stomach.

“Who are you talking to anyway?” Tyler asks, as he slips Declan into his high chair, tightly securing the straps. The kid is fearless and way too smart for his own good; able to get himself out of even the toughest of situations. Tall and solid. Impossibly strong for someone so young.

“Well I'm not actually talking to anyone right now. But it's the school board. About your son.”

“Yeah....apparently he had 'one of those days',” he makes air quotes around the last four words, then grabs a bottle of water and a cup of juice out of the fridge; handing the latter to Declan.

“He's been having one of those days three times a week for six months,” Esme sighs, and begins tapping the pen even harder against the counter top. 'And you're telling me that they can't help him? Like that's their bloody job. Hi...yes...hello...” she rolls her eyes as someone finally comes back on the line, her voice sugary sweet but her facial expression clearing indicating she's ready to commit a homicide.

He unbuckles the baby from the carrier and lays her along his forearm, body swaying back and forth ever so slightly as he stands at the sliding glass door watching the three oldest as they huddle together; more chatting and giggling than doing actual homework. He can vividly remember each one when they were as young as the one currently in his arms. It seems like a lifetime ago; bringing Millie home from the hospital, to that little apartment just outside of Sydney, scared shitless about being a father again. He'd never thought he'd get another shot at it; his first time around had ended horribly and he didn't think he deserved another chance at being a dad. He didn't sleep for months after she came home, terrified that something would happen to her if he dare closed his eyes. Obsessively checking on her every on the hour to make sure she was still breathing.

It had gotten a little easier with the twins; he wasn't as anxious and paranoid once Tanner was well enough to be released from the special care nursery. And by the time Declan arrived, he;d hit his stride; much more comfortable with being a dad to a newborn, not panicking if the baby slept through the night, no longer having nightmares of something bad happening to them.

Addie is different though. Impossibly tiny; much more fragile and vulnerable than any of her siblings had seemed. She looks up at him as he holds her, those huge dark eyes locked on his, as if burrowing into his very soul. And he adjusts his hold on her; placing her against his chest, a forearm under her bum, a palm on the back of her head. Pressing a kiss to her cheek and closing his eyes ; enjoying that small moment between him and his daughter. His last child. The smell that clings to her clothes and hair, the feel of her soft breath against him, and how those tiny fists clutch at his t-shirt and she nestles her face into his shoulder.

“I understand that the school is getting frustrated,” Esme says behind him, and he turns to watch her, amused by the way she multitasks; easily moving between activities, never losing her stride. The phone held to her ear with her shoulder, pulling things out of the fridge for dinner, grabbing Declan goldfish crackers for a snack, snagging a bottle of water for herself. “But believe me, no one is as frustrated as we are,” she continues. “We've been waiting four months to get into a developmental pediatrician closer to home and we are not taking our five year old all the way to Sydney to see some biased hack that the board has in its back pocket.”

Tyler grins as he listens to her; feisty, tenacious. Two of the things that he'd initially attracted to. She'd walked into his place in the outback as if she'd owned it, not the slightest bit put off by his dismissive demeanour or the sight of the bottles of medication and booze. A five foot nothing spitfire that weighed a buck twenty soaking wet and handled herself with a confidence most men twice her size didn't possessed. She'd been unlike any woman he'd ever known before. A challenge that needed be solved. Sometimes she still is. Even six years later.

And she's still as beautiful. Even in a simple pair of black leggings and one of his t-shirts, hair pulled back in a simple ponytail. She's heavier now; breasts larger, hips wider. But she's had five babies. His babies. And that fact makes her even more beautiful in his eyes.

“Listen,” she huffs in exasperation. “You are not going like it if my husband starts handling all this. Because he doesn't have a filter and he won't be as polite as I'm being. So if you'd rather deal with him, that's fine. But the last time didn't go so well for you, did it.”

He smirks and sips his water.

“In fact, he's right here if you want to talk to him. I'm sure he could manage to get through to you. Because you aren't listening to a damn thing I'm saying.” She frowns, then removes the phone from her ear and stares at it. “They hung up on me. Those fuckers.”

Tyler grins. “You just had to drop the big and bad husband card on them, didn't you. You just had to make them shit their pants.”

“Assholes,” she grumbles, and tosses the phone down onto the counter. “I'm tired of dealing with their shit. You deal with it from now on. They'll listen to you.”

“They're not listening to me. They're scared of me. There's a difference.”

“Well scare them then. First they treat our kid like complete and utter shit, then they hang up on me?”

“Want me go down there and kick some ass?”

“I'd say yes if I knew it would do something other than getting you arrested. Ughhh....” she places her hands on his hips and rests her forehead against his chest. “So frustrating! This is bullshit having to deal with this. Why can't they just help him?”

“Too much work, I guess. Too many kids need help and there's not enough people to help them.”

“Now is not the time to be diplomatic, Tyler,” she sighs, then looks up at him. “Hi, by the way.”

He presses a chaste kiss to her lips. “Hi.”

“How was she?” she places a hand on the baby's back, rubbing softly.

“Perfect. She was an angel.”

“So was Lucifer.”

“Are you seriously comparing my daughter to the devil?”

“Oh so she's just your daughter now, is she?”

“When you talk shit about her like that she is,” he teases.

“I thought Millie had you wrapped around her finger. This is even worse.”

“She's the last one. Last time we get something like this. I figured I have to enjoy every second of it.” There would be no more. Their home and their hearts full. And it was medically impossible, unless his surgeon had entirely fucked up the procedure.

“You really are very good at the big, strong man with a baby thing,” she muses. “It's a very attractive look on you. Especially now that you look like a sexy lumberjack.”

He smirks. “You and this sexy lumberjack shit.”

“It's true! It's exactly what you look like now.” Almost a full thirty pounds heavier than when they'd first met; thighs thicker and more powerful, wider through the chest and shoulders. His hair short and unruly; the quintessential 'bed head' look. His beard fuller yet not untamed. “I like it,” she says. “It suits you. And you were okay? While you were out?”

Tyler nods.

“I was surprised when I woke up and saw your text. That's brave of you. All those thirsty moms on the school yard. They haven't seen you in a while. I'm surprised you made it home. That no one scooped you up and took you home with them.”

“Were you hoping someone would or...”

“Baby, I'd miss you way too much. Who else would get the spiders and the snakes out of the house?”

“So that's why you keep me around.”

“Well there's other things too. I mean, you are pretty nice to look at it. Every woman deserves her own eye candy. And you're very easy to wake up to in the morning.”

He drops a kiss on the top of her head. “You're kinda okay, I guess.”

“Kinda okay,” she laughs, and then smacks him on the ass before heading back to start dinner. “You'd miss me if I was gone.”

Tyler nods in agreement. She has no idea just how much.

#tyler rake #tyler rake fan fiction #tyler rake fan fic #best part of me #extraction #chris hemsworth character

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sex-storytime · 5 years

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I have had a few people ask me how I am coping with current crisis and I thought I might share some thoughts with you while, suddenly, I have a lot of time on my hands. I am fine. We are going to get through this. I have my fair share of frustrations and anxiety about what we are all dealing with but, like everyone else, I am powerless to fix the world.

So I turn to writing to express myself and in doing so explore parts of myself that I didn’t know even existed. It is therapeutic but time consuming. Maybe you could do the same? If not then use this time to do something positive. Volunteer. If not then be a cheerleader for those who do. You are not alone. We can all play a small part in bringing just a little bit of joy to the world.

I know this will not be as easy for some as it is for others. Even writing and posting my stories here does not help my anxiety, so I thought I’d put together a list of things that could help us get through this.

Warning: I am not a doctor, nor a professional in anything at all. Any advice or ideas I give you come from my own experience and my experience only.

🌼 Health comes first

No matter whether you belong under the category of people who go through it smoothly or you’re at risk, stay safe and do your best to stay healthy. Not only for yourself but for others too.

Practice basic healthy habits - drinking water and eating healthy

Get enough sleep -Sleep is crucial for your immunity

Try to avoid stressful situations -Stress and fear lowers your immunity because it occupies the body with a danger, that usually is no danger at all

Take your meds and look out for those who need that extra bit of care and attention

🌼 Try to avoid risky places and situations as much as you can

Do not travel -You may think you’re not at risk but you are definitely putting people you love in danger by cathcing the virus

Try to avoid hospitals unless it’s necessary to go there

Try to avoid spending time in large groups

🌼 Proper hygiene

Wash your hands

Wash your face

Do not touch your face while you’re outside

🌼 Use the internet to stay social

People are social beings and conact with others is important. However it is better to stay phycially isolated right now, therefor you should use social media to it’s full potential. I know I should practise what I preach here. I am not a social animal and that is why I find solace and release in my writing.

Find new friends on here (feel free to message me, I’d love to make new friends!)

Message old friends

Call your family members

Join group-chats

🌼 Try new hobbies

A lot of us have to be home now instead of school or work, but the only good thing is more time at hand! Here are a few things you could try out:

Writing (I’ve read so many good pieces of work sent to me via Tumblr)

Painting/drawing

Gardening if you have a garden

Baking or cooking

Reading

🌼 Be kind and considerate

🌼 Try to pay attention to your needs, focus on self care and use this time to learn how to be okay with being by yourself

I really believe we’ll be okay. I hope you’re safe, wherever you are. If you have a story idea or two you would like me to explore then get in touch. I have lots of time so you can expect some BIG stories (sorry in advance if you prefer a shorter encounter). Look after each other.

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lifewithchronicpain-original · 5 years

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Hey, I have a question for anyone with fibro if you don't mind helping: What do you do for breakthrough pain, in particular, painsomnia? I'm tired of sedating myself with benadryl at night to desperately sleep through the pain and my clonazepam is supposed to be emergency only. (MMJ is not legal in my state, so that's a no with my tramadol contract). Many thanks for anyone willing to answer

I use a melatonin supplement to help. Take it with my before bed meds. Melatonin is what signals your brain to go sleep. Taking that as a daily supplement allowed me to save my Ativan for nights I really a knock out.

I know I talk about lidocaine cream a lot but I will often be sleeping and my back hurts or my shoulder is really sore and being able to bring the pain down helps. And tbh there are some times it feels I’m putting it all over my body but that short term pain relief can be the difference between sleep and no sleep.

Another thing I personally do when I can’t sleep is to stop trying. If I’ve been tossing and turning an hour it’s time for calming tea (I love tension tamer) and maybe watch an episode or read something Then try again.

One great way to reduce your pain at night before bed is to take a 20 minute hot bath. Heat is usually very helpful with fibro pain and then Epsom salts are an added pain reliever. Following it up with some gentle stretches after can help make lying down more comfy.

Also consider how you sleep. Are there lots of little lights or distracting noises? I use a white noise app to silence my dad’s tv, he’s going deaf. I also inherited his habit of going to be with the tv on. That’s usually not a good thing but I need it. Especially with bad anxiety, I need to focus on something other than my thoughts to be able to sleep sometimes. It could potentially distract you from your if you queue a movie to go to sleep to. Best to do it with one you’ve watched otherwise you might get too interested and want to see the end which accomplished the exact opposite of what we want.

And then on rare occasions when the pain is that bad I might take a Vicodin, which I know may not be an option for you, but you may also have to consider taking an extra dose of your strongest pain reliever to get sleep. But only as last resort, well depending on what the meds are. It’s not a last resort to take more Advil, but an RX med yes.

Followers, any other thoughts and advice for painsomnia?

#chronic pain #chronic illness #spoonies #fibromyalgia #painsomnia #advice

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tribridkissed · 5 years

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Everything Afflicting Lil’ Ol’ Me…

Sleep Paralysis:

Starting off with the basics here because this has been what sort of started it all. When I was little, I was super into the whole idea of spirits. I honestly still am for different reasons, but it started when I was young and having sleep problems. The doctors still don’t know why it started, but I’ve always thought I sensed ‘presences’ so I told ghost stories…because I saw ‘ghosts’ in my sleep, some of which were terrifying and would sit on my chest and I’d still feel that feeling when I woke up, so duh it was real.

When I was a teenager, I started getting these hallucinations far more vividly and the doctors started to take it a lot more seriously, especially when I was getting depressed and suicidal on top of it all. Turned out I had ‘Old Hag’s Syndrome’, or ‘Sleep Paralysis’, and there was now a logical explanation for it. Basically my brain wakes up sometimes before my body does, and I’m paralyzed but I can still see the hallucinations. Feeling pinned down and violated is honestly the worst, and it fucks me up for the rest of the day mentally when it happens. It is why I’m against lucid dreaming, and why I vehemently believe in demons and evil spirits even if doctor’s wanna just call it a hallucination induced by stress. Either way, I have insomnia sometimes too and my sleep is all over the place and that never helps one’s body.

Hormone Imbalances

My hormones have probably been all over the place my whole puberty experience? Like, my periods started out being heavy, irregular and painful. I know that’s mostly normal--we women handle cramps like a boss, okay?--but I would have to stay home from school once or twice in a row every time I got my period, because I was curled up in a ball hurling: much like I do now. Going on birth control helped for a while and then started to make it worse, so we took me off of the birth control and my period started to even out and I stopped getting so sick, unless I ovulated from both sides and not just one, which they found out was also happening. Yay for the possibility of twins naturally, but yikes to the extra hormone surges.

Paraxysmol AFib:

I went through a whole stint of my early 20′s having palpitations in my chest. I just attributed it to my anxiety, and to stress because I had just finished a whole High School career of only honor’s classes, and I had switched from Pre-Med to Early Childhood Development, and so even when the doctors from an arrhythmia, I just sort of dismissed it. I didn't have the time, I was working twelve hours days as a nanny, I was doing college, and I didn't have time...and then I had an AFib attack after exercising and ended up having chest pain.

That pain lasted a month and a half without going away or getting any better, I had a bunch of doctors tell me I was being a hypochondriac, and then I got put on a heart monitor. The heart monitor caught not one but two episodes in the span of three weeks, and it was only then that they took me seriously. So even though I was ‘too young’ and ‘healthy’, I ended up becoming a heart patient at the ripe old age of 25, and it has been part of my life ever since. I take medicine daily to keep my heart rate down, because it beats too fast on its own, and I had to cut down on coffee, which...I was a caffeine addict so that was rough, lol. I’ve had to change dosages, which stresses my body out for a week each time that happens, and it has just been who I am now. I have heart patient jewelry and everything, just in case of emergencies.

Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome

So this all brings me to the next big thing: cyclic vomiting syndrome. I have been sick for 6 months now, nauseous basically every day, vomiting stints every once in a while that land me in urgent care to get IV fluids and meds because nothing will stay in my stomach, it all comes up. This started back in August, now known actual cause, and it has been my main affliction these days. I am on antacid medications, my heart medicine still, and anti nausea I have to take every single day. My body is exhausted, and that’s not even the half of it.

The doctors aren’t even fully sure this is what is going on with me, this is just how they are treating me because they can’t find anything. I have had an MRI, CT scans, ultrasounds, blood tests of all sorts (food allergies, diabetes, etc.), and everything says I am healthy. I have had a tumor removed from my esophagus when they did the endoscopy in the beginning, and I had a history of cysts (I’ve had one in my head, in my arm pits, and now one in my right nasal cavity), and I have a second and third tumor growing in my right arm. They aren’t convinced any of this is related, they just know that my period problem from high school is happening again, so they’re convinced it is hormone induced cyclic vomiting syndrome...which has no for sure cause or cure, so, that has been nice, and has triggered my depression, but I’ve been dealing with my depression my entire life.

Depression/Abuse

Since I was a kid, I’ve had a messed up home life. My uncle did some truly horrible things before he ended up eventually in jail for four life sentences, and short story on that because I simply don’t talk about it, is he used to tape my sister and I shut in boxes, and threaten us with his pet snake. He even through a knife at my cousin once, and would put my sister and up on the top shelf of the closet and leave us there.

On top of that, my Dad was never around much, and he left for good when I was 7, the same year that my grandmother died from the chemo for her ovarian cancer. He is a whole other story in itself, but he only added to my abandonment issues when I was 21 and he showed back up ONLY to talk my sister and I out of making him pay off the back child support he owed (it was a whole thing), and having the audacity to say he stayed away because he loved us...but raised our half siblings, so...just. I don’t like talking about him either.

Then I had a mother who was constantly verbally abusing my sister and I--she still does--and calling us fat even when we were skinny. Telling us we wasted our potential, telling us we’re useless, etc., and only recently getting herself the help she needs for her own emotional issues because she too was abused. Our family is filled with abusers, and she’s much better now that we’ve all addressed we have some problems, but dealing with that on top of all the other things that I deal with now, has been rough.

I feel broken. My mother tells me not to say that, but all of my health issues, and my failed past relationships with boys that have thus kept me single the last three years, make me feel that way. I’m a demisexual person who had two boyfriends cheat because they couldn’t wait for me to be ready for sex, and one basically admit after a little while that he just wanted sex and was “putting up with my feelings until then”, and I dunno, I delved farther into writing and honestly, it has been my only constant.

I’ve been writing stories since I was 6, and this is a hobby, yes, but it is also an escape when I’m not working on my stuff to get published (I’ve actually been a published author since 2011). I’m editing my second book right now and it gets priority sometimes when I’m in a funk, but I have been so sick lately because of my stomach, and just so tired and stressed with work really only keeping me on because they can’t fire me when I have medical reasons and doctor’s notes, and I just thought you guys should know.

I try to be on because writing helps me not think about all of my issues, but sometimes I’m so tired, or so sick, that I just can’t do replies. Plus, my arm with the tumors has been hurting more and more lately, and I may have to get them removed, which will mean another two weeks of a sling and pain meds, and crying myself to sleep because recovery from arm surgery hurts.

So if I’m ever slow, something is up. I love being around to write--it’s my safe space--but I’ve been dealing with a lot lately. I really do love and appreciate all of you, and I’m so grateful that you guys are so patient with me. <3

#out of mystic falls // ooc #damn writing it all out makes me feel a tad sad lmao #tw: sleep paralysis #tw: heart problems #tw: depression #tw: swearing #tw: vomiting mention #tw: period talk #tw: long post #that isn't even all of it because i didn't go into a whole bunch of detail #but that is the just of it guys

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angellicalls-blog · 5 years

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[ ALEX FITZALAN , CISMALE , HE/HIM ] — hugo william montcroix is the twenty year old sophomore in professor morrow’s classics course. they are a pisces, which is probably what makes them so non-judgemental and anxious. every time i see them, i can’t help but think of the the smell of french perfume, hand rolled cigarettes, paint stained hands, dreamy eyes towards the sky and wrinkled designer clothes.

--- FAMILY

Hugo is the middle child of the Montcroix family, who are known by their extensive tradition as politicians and investors of a large variety of schools across the globe. They, allegedly, come from a family of scholars and people who value knowledge, his older brother is a well-known astronomer and his younger sister is a tech prodigy, while their mother teaches at Columbia and their father is a politician who fights for education.

Or at least that’s what everybody should think about them, a family of humble people that use their money wisely. Little did they know his father steals money from education, his mother is frequently absent from her classes, his brother slept his way to the top and his sister following their father’s footsteps.

Meanwhile, Hugo is the odd one out, who doesn’t give a shit about any of that and just strives to navigate through that mess of a family. He’s the middle child, who’s not into science or politics, who loves arts and literature, and runs away from attention at all costs.

He actually managed to set up an expo of his sculptures (his parents forgot to attend it), but it blew up pretty big and it was on newspapers all over us.

The reason Hugo isn’t currently at Columbia with his mother lies with a problem involving speed racing, bad reputation and lack of productivity. He’s always loved adrenaline and experience new things, and getting his fifteen minutes of fame was the bridge he needed to live his dreams.

His parents think of the kids like......... more as if they’re a sciences project than actual human beings. They try to love the kids to an extent, but fail completely and end up passing as condescending, so the kids all think it’s their fault because they’re not good enough.

Cool parties, alcohol and drugs were nothing compared to the thrills of speeding his sports car through the streets of Portland to win races against other rich kids like himself. It was a fight of egos and he loved every single moment of it, nothing his family did could outshine that.

--- PERSONALITY

Hugo is a major soft boy with artist vibes, the one who offers u to go to a café and watch the sky and do stuff in the real world outside internet

I wouldn’t say he’s friendly with everybody, but he’s a pretty warm and chill person, he likes to really pay attention on people and what they have to say -- bc of that he’s a great listener, but don’t fool yourself, he can and will immortalize ur face on an ugly painting if necessary

ABSOLUTE MESS OF A PERSON

Used to be such a nice kid when he was younger, when his older brother told him that their parents didn’t love them he ACTUALLY-CRIED-A-FUCKING-RIVER. After that, Hugo was deeply hurt and tried to prove his brother wrong, until he realized his brother was right and pressed the “FUCK THIS SHIT” button

Followed his brother’s footsteps into becoming a The Riot Club rich boy, but isn’t that preppy bc he cared probably too much about some stuff

Very sensitive and anxious, but sometimes i think he might get agressive??? idk, the boy has a lot of potential and def will surprise me

That “my problem is that i fall in love with every pretty thing is absolutely him”, he falls in love every 10 seconds

Doesn’t believe in gender and sexuality, but refers himself as a cismale bc he doesn’t mind and society made him this, so i don’t think he’s actually non binary??? help, idk

Relies a lot on money +++ is that one rich boy with expensive (and wrinkled, probably paint stained) clothing

I mean, Hugo’s nice but he’s also a rich boy. He’s inherently selfish lmao, also his parents pretty much fucked up with his head, so don’t expect someone with a lot of morals

Thinks the greeks were right about everything, that says a lot about him already

--- LIL’ HEADCANONS

Absolute wine snatcher, will steal every available bottle of wine without guilt

Will transform every given room in his personal atelier

Always has pencils and ink with him & draws/paints on places that weren’t made to be drawn/painted at, like

church benches, walls, anything really

bathroom stalls

receipts, napkins, imPORTANT DOCUMENTS

diner, restaurant, bar or pub tables

walls

doors

newspapers

lost objects

library books (YES, CAN U IMAGINE THIS????)

body parts????

Does art forgery to get some extra ca$$$$hhhh, if you want in, i’d love to plot this!!

Started to roll his own cigarettes bc he likes to mix cannabis and tobacco, and he puts them inside an old lucky strike box he painted over.

FUN FACT: hugo thinks rolling cigarettes helps him with his anxiety and he only learned to roll a good cigarette bc he compulsively started to roll them, absolutely hyperfixated, until he thought it was acceptable

He is obsessed by the idea of creating a perfect sculpture & the new world’s masterpiece (we all know it’s absolutely unreachable, but don’t tell him that) bc only this will truly fulfill his parents and make them proud of him (poor boy). IT ALSO NEEDS TO BE SAID THAT he doesn’t know what this masterpiece is, he believes he’ll know after he’s finished it.

Depressed & stressed, never takes his meds bc Hugo thinks they leave him empty and he needs the suffering for his art, but at the same time he’s basically always miserable (HIS ARGUMENT: all the world’s biggest artists were, just look at Van Gogh)

He pays a lot of attention on bodies and he thinks all bodies are beautiful, his goal is to make a perfect replica of Michelangelo’s attention on details like flesh, muscles, bones, etc. He wants to look at other people’s bodies closely and touch it so he can know how to sculpt them

\\ That’s also a slight excuse to sleep around

Mess of a person

#about.

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vssoise · 5 years

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A Long Overdue Diary Entry

So I’ve been in Baltimore three days now and I decided that today’s events were just noteworthy enough to warrant my sitting down to actually write this journal (diary?) entry that I’ve been promising will come for a long time now. I guess it also doesn’t hurt that being outside Dayton and being in a new place somehow makes me feel like I have more bandwidth and free time, despite nothing on my to do list actually being shorter/checked off purely due to the change in location. That’s part of what I was going to talk about though, haha.

It’s a strange thing; as soon as I got to Baltimore, my schedule has felt a lot lighter. Things have felt much more easily addressable/categorizable, like there’s Dayton Driven stuff, there’s medical school stuff which is basically away rotation planning and rotation planning, and there’s doing well on this particular rotation at Hopkins. And then that’s it! Nothing else to really worry about or think about or plan around. So as a result, it leaves me with a lot of free time and evenings to just use however I want exploring the city, or reading my book, or just binge-ing yet another tv show (watch Atypical it’s the best). But what’s weird is that, even while I was in Dayton, I had only the same things to think about but somehow felt way more put-upon, and busy, and like I was being pulled in so many different directions. I wonder why. I complained to Weanne earlier this week that my fellow rotators aren’t as social/curious about the city, and as a result that leaves with a lot of time to explore things for myself and make new friends. Maybe that’s a factor, that I don’t have social commitments? Maybe. Though if that were the differentiating facor, I’d rather have the social commitments over this free time, haha. It does remind me of when I visited Lili at St Andrews though. I remember waking up early, around 7am, and we went and had breakfast with the rest of her flatmates at their dining hall, simple fare, just a coffee and a croissant, while they made small talk, and then we walked back across their idyllic campus to their apartment and I read while they prepared for their lecture coming up in a few hours. I even attended one of their Recitations, or TA sessions. I remember the whole thing felt very... secluded? Charmed? Like the university and life there was a bubble to itself. Nothing else really mattered, you were just free to focus on your studies, the things that interested you, and the friends you had and wanted to spend time with. It felt very peaceful, and I remember registering that so clearly because I remember it being something I very desperately wanted in my own life at that time. Then I went back to Penn and somehow felt re-submerged in the chaos that was my state at the time. But I digress. My point being, I’ve been able to experience some semblance of that in these last couple days in Baltimore. It’s a new city, I don’t know anyone (or very many people, rather), I only have this course I’m here to do so the work is relatively straightforward. Maybe it feels like it’s a parenthesis from life generally. I’m not sure. But whatever it is, it’s interesting and nice to feel that sense of calm and peace again. It’s a pleasant, and welcome, surprise.

Otherwise though, the rotation itself has been going well! It’s only been 3 days of course but I’m leaning hard into my WHO experience and trying to make the best of my very short time here. I went to a lecture today by a Hopkins professor who works in emergency humanitarian healthcare (who leaves for Iraq tomorrow after having just got back form Kabul the month before) and remember feeling stirrings of those same feelings I felt when I listened to people talk or present their work at the WHO; his excitement and his interest in his work, the direct impact his work had on the people he was trying to help; it was good to find that excitement being stirred up in me again, especially as the last year and interview season have given me few reasons to think about that kind of career as a near future possibility. This rotation I think, more than anything, potentially opens a door for me to pursue this career more immediately than I otherwise would be able to, if for no other reason than the people associated with the school, like this professor (Dr Gilbert Burnham). And even if not, even if it doesn’t translate directly into the Prev Med Residency position I want here, I’ll at least come away with having had a chance to experience that ephemeral peace that I talked about before, and to taste that WHO style inspiration again, that I haven’t felt from faculty since leaving the internship.

As for the rest of my experience here, even though it’s only been 3 days now, it’s been very interesting! I’ve gone out of my way to try to learn more about the city and get comfortable in it, exploring its different neighborhoods and studying/working at its different cafes, and trying to visit a different area/bar during the evenings after work, while also trying to drag a fellow rotator along with me so I can get to know them better. I figured out the local public transport system after much painstaking googling, and even figured out how to use the scooter-share network in the city, which I’ll likely use much more often going forward, given that it’s so much cheaper than an uber. Today I was riding it back from the grocery store to the public health building to make it back in time for class and this old guy walking on the sidewalk stopped next to me as I was stopped on the street on the scooter waiting for the red light to let me go. He said hey brother, stay good, and then gave me two werther’s orginial caramels, saying I should take them in case I need some extra energy today. So I, of course, in flagrant disregard for everything my parents and teachers had taught me about accepting candy from a stranger, took and ate them during the class I got to on time.#noragrets

But more interesting, to me, has been my experience at my AirBnB. My host is a Rwandan doctor who works in public health and development (right?) and his friend who’s staying with him for a while, also from Rwanda, who speaks much better French than English. So I decided that since I was already capitalizing on the professional side of things with the host, I might as well capitalize on the other opportunity; so I asked his friend to only speak in french with me for the remainder of my stay. And this evening we actually had an entire conversation, and I don’t mean one of those “conversations” out of a french textbook where it’s just pleasantries till one you decides that you do in fact know where the library is, I mean a legit conversation. We talked, in french, about my friend who came by this evening before we went out to dinner, about how french is a difficult language to hear pronounced, about how mandarin is a very unique language and I even taught him some mandarin (again, in french), about indian cooking; we talked about how we felt about these things too, not just about the subject matter generally. I recounted to him, in french, that when I was learning mandarin in college, french was similarly a relatively difficult language to me, so when the teacher asked me to say something in mandarin, I’d say half the sentence in french and half in mandarin coz my brain just merged the two languages coz hey they’re both equally foreign to me and he doubled over laughing. It felt great to be able to convey a story and a feeling in such a way/fluency that it actually elicited the response I was going for in another person. Every time I’ve had a relationship with someone else in a language primarily not in english, it’s been with a relative. But this was the first time I think that I experienced a facet of a real friendship based entirely in a language that was completely foreign to me. It wasn’t my mother tongue, it wasn’t a language I had grown up with. But I was able to converse to a level where I could build the foundation of a real relationship, and not just that of a passerby conversation. Suffice to say that I’m back on the Duolingo, after my long sulk after losing my 71 day streak, hahaha.

All in all, I’m looking forward to what I can make of this rotation. I’ve got the same worries, about Dayton Driven, the same anxieties about where I’ll get residency, the same nagging thoughts about potentially not making the best of this internship. But I’m gonna try to enjoy this feeling of simple peace that I feel like I’ve been able to tap into after so long. And continue to polish my french. And keep trying to meet the right people and expose myself to the right classes and professors to keep broadening my view of what’s possible.

I think when I get back to Dayton, even if it’s just for a short time before I’m off again for a lot longer, I’ll ideally be able to bring some of my lifestyle in Baltimore back with me. Maybe it’ll help infuse my regular life with some of this much needed simplicity, or perhaps clarity, rather, that this life seems to have.

Or really, maybe it’ll just make me more susceptible to taking that snickers bar from the guy in the white van the next time he pulls up. It’s either way, really.

Till next time! I’ll write again soon, I half-promise : P

#blogpost

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biopsychs · 6 years

Text

What I Learned From University (2nd Year)

See what I learned in first year here

Adjust how you study → I have a different study method for each class. Even if the content is similar to another class or you’ve had the prof before, you have to personalize your learning.

You can skip class sometimes → My introductory microbiology class was the worst class I’ve ever taken and I love microbiology. The prof sucked and I found I could just catch up on notes on the bus and have extra time to sleep in. I rarely skip class but I realized my time was much better spent working on other things. Only skip classes if catching up on notes is more efficient/a better use of your time than actually going to lectures. Also, don’t be afraid to take a day off (when you can) if your mental or physical health is suffering.

Group projects suck → I knew this already but nothing could have prepared me for what I had to deal with in my one semester long research methods class. I wish I had talked to my TA or prof earlier to explain what was going on and how I could fix it. (Side note: Use Google docs for group projects!)

Mentoring programs are a great thing to be involved in → I got involved with a mentoring program for women in stem at my university and it has been such a valuable experience! I have access and connections to upper year students and women working in academia and industry who are there to provide help and guidance. My only regret is that I was too timid to ask for help at the start -- take advantage of the opportunities you have!

Get larger projects like reports and essays done as soon as you get them → My organic chemistry lab reports always took so long to write so I would delay working on them. However, I eventually got into a routine of finishing my lab report (or at least 95% of my report) on weekends (my labs were on Fridays) and it made my life so much easier! Just get it done and you won’t have the looming stress of a big project or report hanging over you.

Go to social events on and off campus → You can be social in so many different ways at university! Find something you’re comfortable with or go just outside your comfort zone. I went to a pizza party for psych majors and it was chill. I also went to a pubcrawl and it was so much fun. If you’re hesitant, drag a friend along the first time but make sure you talk to new people!

Apply for summer jobs early → Lots of good summer jobs for university students are posted early! I check my university’s job board and also look for jobs that are meant for students (where I live the government will provide funding for summer students to certain organizations). Make sure you send in your applications in as soon as possible too! Even if the deadline to apply is in two weeks, some places will get in touch with applicants (and could potentially hire someone) before that deadline. Find out if your uni has a career advising office (or something like that) and check it out, if you need help with resumes, cover letters, interviews, etc.

Leave your options open → If you’re unsure about your major or career path, leave your options open as much as you can! Use the time you have now to explore what you really like. Last year I made the decision to do a double major in biology and psychology, because I wanted to go to med school but also wanted to leave the option of research (in bio or psych) open. Now, I’ve decided to major in psych and minor in bio, with the intent to pursue clinical psychology. I took classes and got research experience that helped me make an informed decision about what I really like and want to do.

Get involved in research and use your connections → Get research experience as early as possible. This will help you figure out if you actually want to pursue research or not, and will be so helpful with applications if you end in a position where you’re doing your own research! I have found it much easier to get involved with research by having connections (like talking to a prof, grad student, or upper year undergrad student who is already involved with a lab) rather than sending out cold emails to profs and hoping they’ll reply. If you are sending an email to a prof/lab you don’t have any connections to, make sure your personalize it -- mention any prior experience you have and why you’re interested in that lab specifically.

Check your email constantly → As a general rule, you can never check your email too much. Make an effort to reply to emails as soon as you get them, because otherwise you might forget about them. In general, reply to emails within 24 hours anyways.

Take a summer class → I took a summer class on the psychology of motivation and it was totally worth it. I knew I would have to take a summer class at one point and I knew I would prefer to do it earlier in my degree (taking a summer class in my last year does not sound like fun). It was refreshing to see how well I could do when one class was my only priority and I was able to learn/retain the content so much better. It was also nice that I was able to take an upper level course (my previous psych courses had been only 1st or 2nd year level) by itself so I could get used to the increased demands. One thing to note is that summer classes go by really quickly (in my case 3 lectures were equivalent to 3 weeks of classes) so make sure you’re keeping up with the material.

Find your optimal level of stress → One thing I learned in my motivation class is that we all have an optimal level of stress. Think of it as an inverted U shape, with performance on the y axis and stress on the x axis. The highest point, the top of the U, is your optimal level of stress, where stress is helping you perform to the best of your ability. If you move past that point (either less stress or more stress) your performance is going to decrease. If your stress levels are high and anxiety-causing your performance is going to suffer. I found my optimal level of stress when I was studying for my first motivation midterm -- I was cramming the night before but because I had no other pressing responsibilities (like 4 other classes) I was able to feel stressed without feeling panic or test anxiety also. Find your optimal level of stress and see how well you perform. Remember that feeling when your stress levels are rising so you have a baseline to get back to.

Don’t get stuck as “premed” → Being premed is completely okay but don’t close yourself off from other options. I know so many people who are premeds and are also biochemistry majors. Some of these people don’t even like biochemistry but stick with it because they think it will make their application look better. Please study something you’re actually interested in. Med school is a great option but just make sure you have a plan B (and a degree that is going to suit this plan B). I know someone who graduated with their biochemistry degree and regretted it -- by the end of their degree, their plan was no longer med school and they wished they had done a general biology degree, w classes they liked, while taking a few biochem classes they liked. I used to consider myself premed but I realized clinical psychology is a much better fit for what I actually like/am good at. Just make sure you want to be a doctor for the right reasons is all I’m saying.

Morning classes are actually kind of okay → Everyone talks about how bad morning classes are, but I actually prefer them. I have a hard time paying attention in later classes and it’s really nice to have all my classes done by mid-day. Just make sure you keep a regular sleep schedule (i.e. try to go to bed/ wake up at reasonably early times so your body can recover better on the nights where you get less sleep)

Always come prepared → This applies for so many things. Bring a snack, don’t forget your charger, do your readings. You’re never going to regret being prepared but you may regret not being prepared.

Be ready to register for classes → Know your time and date to register for classes and be ready to click register right at that time! I always make multiple schedules b/c often the lab times or classes I want to take are full. If a class is full, make sure you know what to do. Register on the waitlist. If there isn’t a waitlist, find out who you need to talk to (usually the prof or department head). Check back a few times a week to see if spots open up in classes, because a lot of people change their schedule. Don’t wait to talk to an academic advisor if you’re not sure which classes to take or have any concerns.

Quizlet is a blessing → Quizlet is an app/website that lets you make flashcards and view other people’s flashcard sets. Study flashcards while you’re waiting in line for coffee or on the bus. You may also be able to find flashcards from people who took the same class as you -- use those! If you make your own flashcards be a nice person and share them with your friends :)

A bad grade is not the end of the world → In one class I got 35% on my first midterm and never managed to get a midterm grade higher than 68%. I was absolutely destroyed when I saw that mark on my first midterm and was ready to give up. Please don’t give up! I talked to my prof and was able to have my other midterms weighted more and I used my lab reports to bring my mark up. If you show your profs you’re working hard they’ll do what they can to help you out. It’s really easy to feel like your hard work is not making a difference, especially if you’re continually not getting the results you want -- this doesn’t mean you should stop working hard, it just means you may have to study differently, review material daily, and ask for help! If you fail you need to remember that you will have to work harder -- you have to keep up with the new material and relearn the old material. I wasn’t overly happy when I saw my final grade in the aforementioned class but, when I compared it to my first midterm and my feelings of utter confusion, I was satisfied with my grade because it showed my progress and improvement (and I also used it to motivate me to never let it happen again).

Realize that everyone is at university for different reasons → Some people have big goals, some people are still figuring it out, and some people just want to get their degree as soon as possible. There’s nothing wrong with being any of the above, just don’t expect everyone to have the same goals as you.

Know the deadlines for dropping courses → Even if you don’t think you’ll be dropping or changing any courses, write the dates down in your planner. My friend waited a few days too long to drop a math class that turned out to be extremely difficult and, even though she passed it in the end, she was stressed out all semester and her performance in other classes suffered as a result.

You’ll always be meeting new people and making friends → I lived off campus first year and felt like I had missed my chance to make friends. I shouldn’t have worried so much. Second year was much better in that there were a lot more familiar faces in my classes and I got to know other people much better through smaller classes and labs! Other people are always happy to make friends so just take the first step by starting a conversation :)

You can’t give 100% all the time → Some of the best advice that I was given this year was that you can’t give 100% all the time. You only have so much time and energy (mental and physical) you can give. For some tasks, the outcome from 70% effort and 100% effort may not be too different. Figure out what tasks those are so that you have enough energy to give 100% when you really need it.

#studyblr #university #studyquill #elkstudies #intellectys #etudiance #studyplants #studybuzz #briellestudies #mine

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