#is it possible to give a town antidepressants?

[msvelawciraptor]

After the latest episode, I'm going to have to go back and re-listen to the edits Hazel made to the Delphic lore.

[disregardenedgnostic]

i've been torrenting a shitton of anime for like the past month straight barring the occasional power outage or tripped breaker. My CPU's uptime hjust passed thirteen days.

i have no idea what a handle is. my computer is punisheing me for my unbelievable hubris by passive-aggressivelty threatening to kill itself

i am either becoming a god or being majorly stink-eyed by the good lord. i just spilled malt ligupr on my sweatpants i'm definitely gonna smeell like booze in thye morning (i say it's 5am). now i know that it's possible someone that there's slomeone reading this who grew up with enough money they yhink i mean single-malt whiskey because tjat's happened befgore and no i don't mean single-malt whiskey i really really don't this shit's way cheaper and way tastier and i have open a 24oz can of the stuff that's about two-thirds of a liter for people from normal places yes that's a lot for one drink even at okay wait i can't actually find a %ABV on here that's probablty fine disregard that mixing alcohol and antidepressants is universally a bad idea of course i'm taking the duloxetine more for neuropathy tha ndepression heehehehhehehee not that that matters but shit the alcoholism'ws winning tonight! 15yo me was right giving in to the drink rules i should mix weed in that's a great idea and it's a spliff too i'm supposed to never smoke tobacoo ever since my doctor made me quit because it makes my migraines worse an also akl the other reasons WE'RE DOING ALL THE BAD IDEAS TONIGHT BABY i'm gonna make sure i don't try to mix uppers and downers HEY ME A CC OUPLE HOURS FROM NOW DO NOT FUCKIONG TAKE THOSE CAFFEINE PILLS THAT'S AN EVEN WORSE IDEA YOU WILL PROBABLY GO TO THE HISPITAL AND IT;LL BE REALLY REALLY EMBARASSING

fuck it's hot in here. runniong the computer for 13 days coinciding with a heat wave definitely has something to do with that yaaaaaaaaaaaay the weed's kikimg in :D oop coughing glah

y'know this is a spiral. this is definitely a spiral. i dropped outta my summer classes, i'm halfwzay to dropping out of college. again. shut up, kurt vonnegut dropped out twice! and tried to kill himself at least twice! and shit he wrote Slapstick! like i love that book but how the fuck do you recover from thAT? i dunno but hey he did it

you know what this started when that bookcase attacked me. shit i ain't kurt vonnegut i can't come back from that that's a fucking anime gag i've seen that happen in at least two anime //three if you count both fullmetal alchemists!// ↑those aren't effective replacements for parentheses! <==art thou fucking kidding me with this goddamn alt code shit we need to go back to 1998 that was the golden age of web design ╚oh ypu wanna go back to 1998 huh kill urself lololol | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | wow our gets and insults and other such bantz were at least creative back then geez also spelling §BECK IN MYYYYY DAY WE USED ENCYCLOPAEDIAE AND WE LIKED IT. AND THE OXFORD ENGLISH DICTIONARY! ABSURDLY THOROUGH MICRO-PRINT EDITION WITH INCLUDED MAGNIFYING GLASS. I KNOW IT'S FROM THE 5Os and 6O dollars BUT IT'S WORTH IT! YOU KNOW IT IS! IT'S THE DEFINITIVE DESCRIPTIVE DICTIONARY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE! IT'S A WORK OF AAAAAAART!!!!!

>encyclopaediae >british spelling kekw

Is that even how greentext works, 4chan-user me? Also fuuuuuck offffffffff

>FORMATTING BITCH >also HAH HAH HAHAHAH >YOU'LL NEVER BE RID OF ME OVER-[name.] >hatehatehateseethecopeseethe

§YOU WANT US TO COOK FOOD BY BOILING IT? SEETHE AN EGG? AND C O P I N G IS A GOOD THING! WITLESS HACK!

Buddy. Really-Old me. That's not what she means by cope. Everyone knows you know that. And that definition of 'seethe' was archaic even in that dictionary you wanted. Probably.

§AND NOW WE'LL NEVER KNOW, WILL WE?

...We go to that bookstore plenty. It's literally the only game in town unless you count the antique store across the street that sells old books for way too much. And, really, I'm not paying 20 bucks for a copy of Kafka's The Trial when I could get the full set of Shakespeare's Comedies and Tragedies across the street for 40. Again. whydididothatwhydoesanyonetrustmewithmoneyaaaaejhakfhdfkla;

☹u ok ss☹

really? unicode, at a time like this? @--Λ-@

I'm fine I'm normal I'm fine I'm normal I'm not talking to myself this is just comedically being very silly and mean to myself on the internet, a totally sane thing to do yup. Anyway point is that dictionary's totally still gonna be there whenever we're in a better position to get it. That, and this Convention Of The Inner Symposium is getting wildly out of hand and also that's not an obscenely pretentious name shut up

hahahhaahahhahah wow that was really funny wasn't it folks. ha. ha.i'm drunker now! and it's 7:40 am now! and my extremities are really numb tingly! and i was super absurdly fucking hot but now i'm comfortably cool so that's nice. This is the best part of drinking! that's definitely a fine healthy and not weird thing to think about alcohol!

[bluebiiird]

Sometimes I worry that I don’t understand things properly. I’m a highly emotional person, having gone through life in an emotional war, front and center at all times. A young girl with a mom too busy to notice her alcoholic husband was abusing in daughters in more way than one, and a dad too sick to care. too tired from his own life of trauma and divorce that took his daughters away because he couldn’t handle his own life as it was. I took salvation in my room, despite knowing at any time it could open and become a world of hell. knowing that at all times hell was on the other side of that door. i walked through life on tip toes and wide eyes being hyper aware of those around me hoping to sneak through the interactions enough to return to as much of a safe place i could find.

as i got older and started realizing what was effecting me so intensely, i found a new salvation. driving in the car with my mom, listening to AFI and iron maiden and whatever else would come on the radio as we drove for miles and miles. sometimes near the coast, sometimes to las vegas to care for my sweet grandmother. i grew so close to her, and came so close to telling her what was happening at home behind closed doors. my mom knew, and chose to turn her cheek. it’s a lot to process, but i’ve spoken and written these words so many times i feel numb towards it. it still impacts me daily in ways i’m still learning. i’m pretty sure i have borderline personality disorder, though my therapist would only confirm that i have PTSD. i’m close to my mother now, however she still speaks as if there is another world i’m never going to be apart of within her, and i get only tiny bits of love/attention/affection before she returns to it and i don’t exist. my dad cares as much as he can, but with both i just feel this overwhelming sense of “they tried, they can never be what i needed” and that makes me feel like a shitty person, but it simultaneously helps me grow from it.

my failed relationship with dylan is a reminder, maybe the biggest that i need to work with myself to become better. i thought i was in such a better place, but quickly gave back into my kratom addiction and my fear of abandonment ways. allowing his toxic ways of talking down to me, ignoring me as punishment, treating me constantly as if i meant absolutely nothing to roll by and convince myself it was all something wrong with me and if i could simply try more i’d be good enough for him to treat better. i realize fully, i get this from my relationship with my parents. if i just try hard they’ll see me and i’ll be worth being a daughter they want, aside from empty words of “you’re so good!” and then actions that prove they would rather do anything other than be my parent since the get go. 

i saw Jonah in fort bragg the other morning the minute i arrived in town convinced i was going to have the absolute best time solo camping in caspar. he was with a girl and sat within feet away from my chair, and once i realized it was him i began shaking to the point i couldn’t even hold my coffee. i hate my adrenaline reaction to situations like this, i’m sure it’s in part from my antidepressant but a big part of me is also still just a scared girl not sure what to do in situations like that. he never said anything during or after, and i’ve decided to let it go to avoid looking like the biggest creep imaginable. since then i’ve crossed most of mendo off of my possible travel destinations, to give us both the freedom of having to encounter such an awkward situation again. 

in the last week so much has gone down. i’ve run into nearly everyone i wouldn’t want to run into, or had them reach out. i’m back in a really comfortable uncomfortable spot. i got a promotion at work, made a $20,000 mistake and saved a dog. She was the sweetest dog running in and out of a busy background i was driving on my lunch break, i checked with the only house nearby and they said she wasn’t hers, and when i opened my car door she just ran in and layed in my passenger seat looking up at me with her two differently colored eyes. I started crying becaues i only had minutes before i was supposed to be back at work, knowing it was a very busy day and i couldn’t just leave her in my car, or even have enough time to run home to drop her there while i figure out what to do. i called everyone i could, and the only one who was able to help was dylan. he ignored my phone calls before texting me asking what i wanted, and said he was in the middle of a hair cut but would come get the dog right after. i asked him to take her to my house until i got off work and then i could figure everything out (see if she’s tagged, see if i could find the owner, etc) but instead he took her to the vet and left her there. i cried again when he told me that because i was overwhelmed with the whole situation and was stuck at the office, and had just connected with that dog who could have been killed. i called the VCA he brought her to and they told me their process, so in about two weeks if no one claims her i will be able to go get her. then i found out i’m being sued by old credit card debt. it just really never stops when you just need a fucking break, and sometimes all i can do is laugh and go “what’s fucking next” but then the next thing happens and i’m like OKAYYYY hah :(((((((( and that’s how i get through life sometimes 

tonight i’m going to a metal show, i’m waiting to hear back from dylan’s grandma about what i should do in regards to him and my situation, and i hope i just have a good fucking night

[beaubambabey]

There's a trope of someone traveling outside the small bubble they've existed in and coming back with the perspective that things are So Very Wrong Back Home or something along those lines. First example i thought of just now: the beginning of Uzumaki by Junji Ito. Where Kirie's boyfriend Shuichi, who goes to school out of town, is telling her that there's spirals everywhere. That nobody in their town notices them. That it's not right and it's odd but nobody else says anything about it because it's so integrated into their daily lives that it's normal.

It's making me reconsider my standards. What I will tolerate and put up with. What I can stand as a citizen of a country I've lived in for basically my entire adult life.

I just know for a fact that if the American government actually gave a shit about its constituents and made being alive easier through social programs, infrastructure, subsidization of basic needs, transportation, social safety nets, welfare, nationally subsidized healthcare, and progressive taxation that funnels into all of it. Maybe (just maybe) it would be easier for people to give a shit about the people around them. It would be easier to be considerate of others. People would be less miserable and less okay with actively spreading that misery.

I felt like I needed my antidepressants to not want to off myself this past year and a half. I was so, so anxious when I had to quit them because they were giving me heart issues. I didn't know if I could make it through my daily life without it. But then I spent a month away from my daily life and it helped me realize, "oh. I'm not so depressed I need pills for it. My life back home is shit and every possible thing that could help me fix it is objectively difficult to obtain/expensive and therefore out of reach." And like???? SLS is REAL. Shit Life Syndrome. Life is so fucking shitty for the average American that it's impossible to be happy unless you've deluded yourself into loving the suffering!!! The suffering is normalized here!!!

We're in hell and hell is a fucking crab bucket we think we can crawl our way out of.

Spending a month abroad in a country where taxpayer dollars clearly go to making infrastructure functional and public transit omnipresent and convenient and food good quality at just about every level and coming back to America is just. So insane. It feels like I've returned to a dystopia

[sapphicsoie]

73 questions

on a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now? solid 6, i am excited to live in norway for 5 months.

describe yourself in a hashtag? #wellshitok

if you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be? timothee chalamet if it's a film that has the vibe of cmybn, but tom holland if it's a movie that is mainstream.

if your life was a musical, what would the marquee say? probably something like "don't worry!"

what’s one thing people don’t know about you? people don't know that i sleep with a baby blanket named blankey who is actually not a blanket i have had since i was a baby but actually the same type of blanket i had when i was 5. this is the third blanket i have had since then, she (yes she uses she/her pronouns) is from lands end (i buy a new one whenever she turns to literal threads). i got the one i sleep with now when i was 15.

what’s your wake up ritual? i don't really have one unless i'm like at camp or have class, then i will read in bed for a bit if i can, shower, drink a tea and eat breakfast, and brush my teeth last. i also like to listen to music.

what’s your go to bed ritual? i always wash my face and either shower or have a bath, then do skincare, take out contacts, brush teeth, put on lip balm, read in bed, then sleep.

what’s your favorite time of day? i love when the sun is setting.

your go to for having a good laugh? tiktok, or sonny with a chance or kim possible compilations.

dream country to visit? iceland or new zealand

what’s the biggest surprise you’ve ever had? that my dad who is slightly homophobic is actually into kinky gay sex and is a bottom.

heels or flats/sneakers? sneakers.

vintage or new? depends, i would say new for clothes because they don't make cute vintage clothes for fat women, but i love vintage cameras and furniture

who do you want to write your obituary? my best friend katie and if i die before her, my mom.

style icon? fictional? noora amelie sætre. irl? i love zendaya's style for the most part.

what are three things you cannot live without? my phone, my antidepressants, and something to read.

what’s one ingredient you put in everything? GARLIC but also love salt and pepper. i am very white.

what 3 people living or dead would you want to make dinner for? ummmm maybe like my grandma who i never met and or like isak valtersen, sana bakkoush and even bech næsheim from skam lmao.

what’s your biggest fear in life? feeling like my life is meaningless and i won't be rememebered.

window or aisle seat? used to be window, now it's aisle. i gotta pee!!

what’s your current tv obsession? haven't been watching tv AT ALL but i loved moon knight.

favorite app? tumblr or ao3 if that counts as an app, more of a website tho

secret talent? i am very flexible, and can do all three splits, and a perfect cartwheel.

most adventurous thing you’ve ever done in your life? i dated a girl in high school in a small town in the deep south

how would you define yourself in three words? determined, honest, lonely

favorite piece of clothing you own? rn it's a plain ribbed t-shirt from target

a must have clothing item that everyone should have? plain ribbed shirt and comfy high rise jeans

a superpower you would want? shape shifting

what’s inspiring you in life right now? to be transparent, i am simply existing for the most part. i do really want to graduate so i can move to nyc and try acting and not be in school for the first time in 15 years.

best piece of advice you’ve received? that it is okay to feel and show your emotions and that doesn't make you any less strong or capable.

best advice you’d give your teenage self? you won't feel this awful forever. i promise. also, don't let her hurt you over and over again. and lastly, just because you are in pain doesn't mean you have to force your anger and sadness and despair onto others, be kind.

a book everyone should read? i don't read as much as i used to, but i think a book/series that made me who i am is a series of unfortunate events by lemony snicket.

what would you like to be remembered for? i hope i'm remembered as someone who left the world better than it was in some way shape or form, even if it's trivial.

how do you define beauty? i think it depends on the person and what kind of beauty. i think there is no simple way to define beauty because it's so subjective.

what do you love most about your body? my eyes, they are a really pretty shade of blue with a gold ring around the pupil.

best way to take a rest/decompress? listen to music, read, lay in the pitch dark listening to music or city rain sounds

favorite place to view art? gonna be transparent i cannot look at art for more than like 30 seconds, so maybe a museum but i don't really view art :/

if your life was a song, what would the title be? liability by lorde.

if you could master one instrument, what would it be? piano, i played it growing up but stopped.

if you had a tattoo, where would it be? probably somewhere pretty hidden, maybe my ankle or the side of ribs?? idk

dolphins or koalas? koalas literally fuck dolphins

what’s your spirit animal? a platypus.

best gift you’ve ever received? probably my macbook, i use it a lot. idk i've never been given a super sentimental gift?? my friend recently gave me a really pretty drawing of me for my birthday though.

best gift you’ve given? horrible at gifts but got my dad a fancy speaker for christmas but little does he know it was 75% off.

what’s your favorite board game? don't really play them at all and never really have but i like chess

what’s your favorite color? baby pink

least favorite color? any bright colour. or like orange. or teal. i am picky.

diamond or pearls? pearls!!!

drugstore makeup or designer? mostly designer but the occasional drugstore product

blow-dry or air-dry? air-dry unless someone else is doing my hair

pilates or yoga? yoga

coffee or tea? tea, but if i need caffeine, coffee.

what’s the weirdest word in the english language? hippomonstrosesquippiedaliophobia.

dark chocolate or milk chocolate? milk but i'm not a huge chocolate gal

stairs or elevators? elevators

summer or winter? winter 4ever i hate sweating

you are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat? probably something nutritious if we are being practical like salmon and quinoa but if we are being honest, steak and yorkshire pudding

a dessert you don’t like? super chocolatey stuff. or ice cream that is fruit flavoured. disgusting.

a skill you’re working on mastering?

best thing to happen to you today? the children went home and i get to drink tonight

worst thing to happen to you today? woke up at 7.30 am and had to spend time with children until they finally left at 12 pm

best compliment you’ve ever received? that i am determined and resilent.

favorite smell? christmas eve candle by yankee candle. smells like childhood.

hugs or kisses?

if you made a documentary, would it be about? a documentary about how internet culture and grooming affected girls born in the late 90's-early 2000's, like myself and so many of my friends did some crazy shit online as a kid.

last piece of content you consumed that made you cry?

lipstick or lipgloss? lipgloss!!

sweet or savory? savoury but i also love sweets

girl crush? zendaya, maybe margot robbie?? josefine frida pettersen is gorgeous

how do you know your in love? when you never get tired of being around them. like your social battery never runs out with them.

a song you can listen to on repeat? currently kjøre oss by marie ulven (girl in red before she was girl in red)

if you could switch lives with someone for a day, who would it be? probably a rich person who lives in nyc or canada or norway

what are you most excited for about this time in your life? moving to oslo in the fall!!

tagged by @silkscream

tagging: @peterthepark @spidervee @indouloureux

[alittlepudge-neverhurtnobody]

Okay so what about david stating to gain alot of weight quickly and everyones kinda worried but he's actually just really happy and comfortable in his relationship + probably finding out hes kinda into it

(And maybe even patrick not knowing so he gets a bit worried too)

Oh I love this!! (As you may know from following me) wg as a sign of recovery/happiness/comfort is one of my favorite tropes of all time so I would love to see this for David!! either gaining weight when he starts getting comfortable with Patrick once they’ve settled the whole barbecue/olive branch debacle, or I could also see like, David waiting until after the wedding bc he has Very Specific Visions of how things should look and also probably has had pieces of that outfit picked out since his old life and where is he going to find a tailor here he can trust to let out the seams without causing irreparable damage? waiting after the wedding and then deciding that he’s not dieting anymore. after the wedding, he can eat whatever he wants, no matter what it is, no matter how much, no matter how often. he gets to eat specifically because he wants to, no more restricting or holding himself back or switching out to a healthier option. and his metabolism is slowing down, his body is settling a little more as he settles down, and so he does gain a lot of weight quickly but he also isn’t worrying about it the way he used to because he feels secure enough to let his body change without fear that his partner is going to reject him for it. 

but of course David has a history of worrying about these things and handling them Uh Pretty Badly, so when he starts plumping up, everyone starts swooping in to check on him. Johnny and Moira trying to ask after his mental health in their own awkward, less-than-helpful ways (”so, son ... you know, sometimes ... when someone isn’t talking about something that’s bothering them ... it comes out in, ah, you know ... other ways, like maybe, ah, a lot of cheeseburgers at the cafe -- I mean, at a cafe -- and, you know, it might help that person to, ah, talk about it!” / “DaViD, I do hope your emotional entanglements are not imposing a hamper on your wellBeInG, lest we reprise your cognitive doldrums of two! thousand! and! fiiiive!”), Alexis fussing over him and offering him a little bit of the high-end moisturizer she treats herself to because it’s infused with sweet orange oil and it’s, like, so good at lifting your spirits, David, like, you will feel like a whole new person with just, like, the teeniest smidge, and suggesting little trips and excursions because she thinks something is wrong and wants to perk him up, despite David not actually ... seeming down. but in the past his weight gains have always been accompanied by a lot of shame and guilt and heartbreak and he guesses he sort of quietly did all the unlearning about that and it didn’t occur to anyone else to do so, because they’re all hovering over him and making kind little offers and trying to help him when he does not need it, thank you very much!!

(cue Stevie in the background having a pleasant but more-than-vaguely threatening conversation with Patrick because if she finds out that, say, he hid something else from David, or he’s upsetting David in some way, well, is Patrick aware that there are bodies buried on the motel grounds that no one has ever found? no? interesting ... ! but Patrick’s a little worried too, because he’s heard David talk about his body in the past and his language isn’t always ... the kindest? so he’s sort of treating David with kid gloves, trying not to patronize him but also not to cause some kind of body-image meltdown. he very carefully doesn’t say anything about food or David’s steadily climbing weight or his snug clothes, but he tries to go heavy on the casual touches and affection so David can at least be secure that Patrick is here for him for whatever’s going on.)

finally Alexis says something while she and David are out browsing at some very sad little indie mall, like, seventeen towns over and the way she says it, it could be about his perceived mental anguish or his weight, and he kind of snaps back at her and tells her he’s very happy with his body, and he’s very happy period, thanks so much, squinty unamused smile, and she just looks him up and down and goes, “well, duh, David, it’s not like getting fat is a bad thing, it’s just historically been a bad thing for you,” and tosses her hair and pushes a sweater into his hands before flouncing away like this is fully how she intended this conversation to go. the sweater is a 3x and not completely awful and David doesn’t even own anything in a 3x yet but somehow she intuited that it would fit perfectly? (in the car on the way home he has Sarah McLachlan on and Alexis hasn’t said a word to complain about it yet, which means something is up, and finally she runs her fingers through the ends of her hair and goes, like there was no break in their conversation at all, “okay but like, I think we all just thought it was, like, the birthday clown thing all over again, and you were just going to go radio silent for like six months and we would all be, like, highkey worried about you even if we only seemed lowkey worried about you or, like, not worried about you at all, and then you’d come out, like, four sizes bigger and be super mean to yourself for like another six months before you lost it all, and, like, none of us want to see that happen again, David. not because of the weight. because we care about you and we don’t want you to go through that again.” she sits back hard in her seat and punches the stereo dial. “also because you’re listening to Sarah what’s-her-name with all those sad puppy commercials and, like, that does not suggest a healthy mental state, David, ugh.” David lets that sink in for a few minutes. He smiles to himself. He lets Alexis change the music.

and when he and Patrick finally talk about it, David tells him that he really doesn’t need to worry, maybe gives him the rundown on the behaviors he actually SHOULD worry about if David ever starts exhibiting (which he can fact-check with Alexis, who’s apparently been keeping the score way more than David has given her credit for). he tells Patrick that it actually feels very freeing, letting himself get bigger and not policing what he eats anymore, and he’s never really been in a situation before where he felt secure and safe enough to be comfortable exploring that, and obviously he would love if Patrick wanted to sort of ... get involved, so to speak?? and even if it isn’t Patrick’s kink the way it’s David’s, Patrick is VERY down to love on David’s body and learn to appreciate it in the Extremely Specific ways David wants it appreciated. he can’t imagine a situation where more David would ever be a bad thing, so it’s super, super exciting to learn that not only does David agree, but plans to make sure that there’s going to be a lot more of him going forward now that they’re both on the same page.

(ALSO i’m really into the idea of David having been heavy before, but by circumstance rather than decision, and now taking this opportunity to explore being fat deliberately instead!! I threw some words together about it a while back and I’m gonna put them under a cut bc it does mention unwanted wg from meds and I’m not sure if that’s a trigger for anyone!)

Trim is relative, of course. He’s gained a whopping thirty-eight pounds since moving here a few years ago, and — it’s fine, he’s made his peace with it, he just likes things to be intentional, his body included. He’d mind those thirty-eight pounds much less if he had gained them by indulging himself, by enjoying treats he had chosen specifically for pleasure, rather than by stress-eating in his motel room.

He’s been heavy before — in his early twenties, he’d tried an antidepressant that hollowed out his appetite and added sixty pounds to his frame. He hadn’t stayed on it long, because it made him sick when he drank and he wasn’t in a place to give up drinking then, or even to cut back, but the weight had lingered for a good six months before he'd managed to shave it off with party drugs and an absolutely punishing workout regimen. It’s intentional, he told people when they asked about the weight, because they did ask and it always disarmed them. And although it wasn’t true, he’d let himself think sometimes about the possibility. He kind of liked being heavy. He kind of liked taking up space. He kind of liked jiggling. It made him feel like some sort of prince, indulgent and luxurious, the picture of wealth, and he thought that maybe he could have more-than-liked it, if it had just been something he’d chosen.

[6ftslytherin]

Side A

Merula Snyde woke up to the sound of stairs squeaking. She lifted her hand to her face and wiped her eyes. She had half a mind to pull the cover of her sleeping bag higher. Sleeping some more didn't seem so bad.

Then she heard the little girl she was sharing the room with run out the door. Of course Ginny would be excited. Christmas with the family is always a good time. Not that Merula had a Snyde family Christmas in a long time.

"Merula." Merula sat up slowly. She looked to her right. Sabine was squatting next to her. She was already fully dressed. She wore nothing special, a short sleeve grey v-neck and cuffed blue jeans. Knowing her, that outfit probably cost more than anything at your run of the mill Asda. "Good morning." She said with a smile.

"Could you at least pretend it's cold?" Merula asked as she got out of the sleeping bag. The Burrow had gotten obviously colder as the night had worn on. Sabine smiled a bit more. "What are you so happy about?" Merula asked as the two of them stood up.

"I'm just thinking how adorable you look in my pullover." Merula looked down. She most certainly was wearing Sabine's hoodie. She had forgotten she stole it from Sabine's bag last night. "It's not like you ever wear it." Merula said as she pulled the hood over her head. "You can have it. I don't mind." Sabine said.

For some reason Sabine's hoodies were significantly warmer than any of Merula's. "It wouldn't have anything to do with it having my scent on it, would it?" Sabine asked with a mocking grin. "Because your sweaty B.O. is pleasant." Merula sarcastically said as she pulled the drawstrings tight.

She heard Sabine laugh. Merula did like her scent. It was a delightful flowery scent that made her feel oddly safe. Merula felt something on the tip of her nose. She loosened the drawstrings. Sabine had put her finger on it. Sabine removed her finger and replaced it with a kiss.

"Merry Christmas Merula." Sabine said. Merula smiled a little. "Merry Christmas Sabine." She said back. "You should get dressed. Mrs. Weasley wants us to eat before we open presents. Ron's getting antsy." Sabine said before walking out of the room.

Sabine poked her head back in. "Don't forget to take your pill." She said. "Did you remember to take your's?" Merula asked back. Sabine thought for a moment. "No." Sabine dug through her bag and took out a small orange bottle and took a pill out of it. "Thanks." Sabine said as she headed downstairs.

Merula smiled again. Sabine always forgot to take her antidepressant. It was weird, but reminding Sabine made her feel a little useful. Sabine always made her feel special.

She helped her feel better about herself than anyone else did. Sabine had shown her that vulnerability wouldn't kill her. That's why she was going to do something special later.

Side B

Sabine Lowell had gotten out of the shower after an early morning jog. Ottery St. Catchpole had a rustic charm that was sorely missing at Hogwarts or at home. It would be more accurate to say that she had taken a fast viewing of the town.

Sabine enjoyed Christmas with the Weasleys. It was much more enjoyable than that time she went home in 1st year. Her mother telling her family about how she had gotten her period and commenting on her flat chest had definitely sullied the idea of being home at this time of year.

Sometimes Sabine thought that her mother overstepped boundaries. Then again, maybe she had been the one to misunderstand. Anyway, the Weasleys were great to be around. Especially since Merula came too. Any time spent with Merula was enjoyable.

Sabine walked down to the living room to wait for more people to wake up. She looked at her watch. It was 7:22 AM. She heard the stairs creak. It was Mrs. Weasley.

"Good morning Sabine. Merry Christmas." She said. "Good morning Mrs. Weasley. Will you be needing any help with breakfast?" Sabine said in turn. "I wouldn't mind another set of hands." Mrs. Weasley said as she got out some pans.

After some time breakfast was ready and more Weasleys had come down. "Sabine, would you mind checking on Ginny and Merula?" Mrs. Weasley asked. "No problem." Sabine said as she ascended the stairs.

Sabine heard the stairs squeaking ahead of her. She pushed herself against the wall as Ginny squeezed past her. Sabine opened the door to Ginny's room.

There Merula was rubbing her eyes in a similar sleeping bag to hers. She squatted next to her. "Merula." Sabine said. Merula looked at her. Sabine could barely stand to see her.

Merula's bed head was adorable. Some people would say Merula's hair was like that all the time. Sabine however could tell the special cuteness Merula had first thing in the morning. Sabine smiled at her. "Good morning." Sabine said.

"Could you at least pretend It's cold?" Merula asked as she got out of the sleeping bag. Holy hell. She was wearing Sabine's hoodie. Was it possible for her to ever be any cuter? She smiled more. "What are you so happy about?" Merula asked while they stood up.

"I'm just thinking how adorable you look in my pullover." Sabine said. Merula looked down at herself. Her face got redder. Turns out it was possible for her to get cuter.

"It's not like you ever wear it." Merula said as she did her best to not make eye contact while pulling the hood up. "You can have it. I don't mind." Sabine had plenty of pullovers to give away.

Sabine knew Merula liked her scent. Sabine liked Merula's scent too, but it was more entertaining to tease Merula about it. "It wouldn't have anything to do with it having my scent on it, would it?" Sabine said with a smirk.

"Because your sweaty B.O. is pleasant." Merula pulled the drawstrings tight. The only part of her face left visable was her noise. Sabine laughed. She was an active person so there was a possibilty of her clothes smelling like sweat. Luckily her mother always made sure to cast a scent charm on her clothes before the school year.

Sabine put her finger on Merula's nose. The drawstrings loosened. More of Merula's face was revealed. Sabine removed her finger and kissed her on the nose.

"Merry Christmas Merula." Merula smiled. "Merry Christmas Sabine." "You should get dressed. Mrs. Weasley wants us to eat before we open presents. Ron's getting antsy." Sabine said before walking out of the room.

Wait a minute. Sabine went back into the room. "Don't forget to take your pill." She said. "Did you remember to take your's?" Merula asked back. Sabine thought for a moment.

"No." Sabine dug through her bag and took out a small orange bottle and took a pill out of it. "Thanks." Sabine said as she went back to the kitchen for a glass of water.

Despite what people thought, Merula was so thoughtful. She was one of the most special people in the world. If she hadn't been there with her she wasn't she could have come out last spring. That's why she was going to do something special later.

Side A

Merula was walking to the forest next to the Burrow. She was carrying two mugs and a thermos. Sabine had told her go sneak out after 9. "Merula!" She looked over and saw a clearing. Sabine was next to a small fire. Merula walked over.

"How are you?" Sabine asked. "I'm freezing my ass off." Merula said as she tightened her scarf. "That's too bad. I quite like it." Sabine didn't have a coat on. The warmest thing she had on was her new rainbow sweater Mrs. Weasley had knitted.

Merula wore a matching one. The only difference being the S on Sabine's and the M on Merula's. "Why are you asking when we've only been apart two hours?" "Sorry, it's just that we haven't been alone since this morning."

Merula looked around. The clearing was decorated. There were floating jars that contained multicolored glowing lights. Close to the fire was a small bench that was just big enough for two with a blanket hanging over the back. On the sides of the bench were tables that looked like stumps.

Merula was impressed she had done all of this in two hours just for her. Sabine picked up the blanket. "Would you mind sitting down?" Sabine asked. Merula sat the cups and thermos on the table to her left. Sabine sat down and threw the blanket around the two of them.

"I thought it would be nice to have some time together." Sabine said, snuggling up against Merula. "After all, you're the most special girl in the world. I love these little moments with you."

"Don't be a dork." Merula said with a smile. She rubbed her head on Sabine's shoulder. "You like me when I'm a dork." Sabine said before putting a kiss on Merula's head. Sabine was such a stupid, cute, dork. "But... I love being with you too."

Side B

Sabine was glad Merula was happy. She had made several plans for Christmas but in the end was only able to pick one. If the slightest thing had gone wrong she might have freaked out.

Sabine came back from her thoughts when she felt Merula take her head off her shoulder. Merula had turned to the left and was doing something.

She turned back and was holding two steaming mugs. "I made us hot chocolate from scratch. Dark chocolate, no lactose. I wouldn't want you running to the bathroom." Merula said with red cheeks. "I couldn't think of anything that would measure up to whatever you did. So I thought it would be better to make something we could both enjoy."

"Is that why you wouldn't let me in the kitchen?" Sabine asked as she took one of the mugs. "Maybe." Merula let out a little laugh. "Your doing that stupid smile again." She said. Sabine forced herself to stop smiling. "Knock it off. I like it."

Side A

Merula watched as Sabine used her free hand to push some of her hair behind her ear. Merula loved when she did that hair push and that goofy smile of her's. It was a rare treat when she showed her real one. It was significantly different than her normal rehearsed smile.

Merula didn't like how Sabine's parents had messed her up enough to make her practice perfect smiles. She knew that the two of them accepted nothing less than perfection. Which was worse, parents that could never be there or parents that demanded no mistakes?

"Thank you." Sabine said as the smile came back. The parents situation didn't matter right now. What mattered right now was that the two of them were isolated from the rest of the world.

Side B

Sabine took a sip from her mug. Merula did the same. It was most certainly dark chocolate with a hint of cinnamon. Sabine loved Merula's cooking. When she spent a couple of summer days at Merula's house she got to eat her delicious food.

"You did a wonderful job." Sabine said. "You are truly the best chef in all of Hogwarts." Merula smiled. "I know." Sabine stared at Merula's face. She thought back to February.

"It will be our anniversary in two months." Sabine said. Merula was quite for a moment. "Yeah. I guess it will be. It seems longer." She said, "I can't believe we'll be having our first anniversary." There was a sense of eagerness in her voice.

Side A

Merula's heart was beating hard. Her first anniversary with her girlfriend. It didn't seem real. She had been so deep in the closet a year ago. She was expecting to spend anniversaries with a guy she didn't love in order to seem normal.

"Sabine?" "Hm?" "Could I hold your hand?" "No problem." Merula took Sabine's hand in her's. It was warm from the mug and her skin was soft. Her fingers were much longer than her own.

"Sabine?" "Yeah?" Merula swallowed hard. "Since our anniversary is so close to Valentine's day and your birthday could we... go somewhere? Like... Madam Puddifoot's?"

"I thought you said that place was for pansies." Sabine said. "I know what I said. But that was before I had anyone to go with." Merula said. She waited on pins and needles for Sabine's answer.

"I'll take you anywhere you want." Sabine said. It was a massive relief. "But are you sure your ready for that? You don't have to force yourself to do anything." Sabine followed up with. "Yeah. I think I'm ready to go on a public date with you. I mean, I like our private dates but I want to show you off. So that everbody knows that the two best witches are together."

Merula sometimes felt that she made Sabine keep one foot in the closet. It wasn't until the start of the school year that Merula had come out publicly. As apposed to Sabine having been out since April.

Merula had felt a deep shame when she finally realized she would only ever have feelings for girls. She had bullied others that she had perceived as gay. To find out that she herself was one of them, people she had called perverts, was soul crushing.

Yet, Sabine had been there for her. She made her feel like maybe it wasn't so bad. That her life was still worth living, even if she would do it with another girl by her side.

"Merula?" "Yeah?" Sabine had started to blush. "Thank you for being my girlfriend. I love you."

Side B

Sabine had been told months ago by her mother that her feelings would turn out to just be a phase. Her father continued to advertise the sons of his Ministry colleagues as possible future husbands. It was okay for other people to be gay but not their own child. Sabine was not allowed to have flaws.

But Merula... It had been a rocky start but Sabine coming out to her had brought them closer together. Eventually resulting in Sabine breaking down and telling Merula about her feelings for her. Feelings she was not allowed to have. Feelings that could and should never be returned.

But Merula did feel the same. She liked her back. Merula, her long time enemy had become her friend and then girlfriend. She had never been happier.

Merula had kept her going. She was an important piece of her retaining her sanity. And she genuinely loved her. She was sure of that. She needed Merula to know how thankful she was.

Merula's cheeks turned redder. She squeezed Sabine's hand. "Don't be stupid. You don't need to thank me. I love you too. You helped me find out who I am. If anyone should do some thanking it's me."

Merula leaned against Sabine. "Besides, I love you more." She said. "Too bad, because I love you more." Said Sabine. "Impossible. I love you more." Said Merula. "I guess we'll just have to be here for the rest of eternity arguing about who loves who more." "If it's eternity with you, I don't mind."

"Merry Christmas Merula."

"Merry Christmas Sabine."

[pochapal]

rank every year of the 2010s from best to worst i want some pochapal lore

[warning for discussion of my fucked up mental health and my myriad traumas. we’re really opening the pandora’s box here gang]

ok time for me to overshare on the internet again! super long post because i can’t shut up and you asked for it. anyway, by objective ranking: 

#1: 2012 - halcyon era, my personal peak. spent the whole year writing hunger games oc fics with my deviantart fanfiction besties whom i still think about all the time and always hope are having the best possible day. if you were here for this era understand i still hold you so closely and dearly in my heart <3. 

#2: 2013 - god i was such a good example of a human being back then. was the year my writing like actually took off and i had a healthy balance between creative stuff and a social life (said social life consisting of spending lunchtimes at school breaking into classrooms and discussing fandom shit with five other people. reading homestuck updates in the music room on one person’s really shaky mobile data...legendary). highlight of the year and maybe my life was in the april of 2013 when i got out of failing to submit a hard deadline essay by telling my english teacher i wrote a whole novel over the two week break and then producing said novel. god i wish i had that level of like. fucking confidence back me back then knew what i wanted and how to get it. 

#3: 2010 - the last year of childhood. i was 12 and played pokemon all the time with my friends and went places and had a moderately successful youtube channel and it didn’t matter that i was bullied so badly at school because i was basically high off life. summer of 2010 was so good specifically. i’d used to get the bus with a friend and go see movies and break into historical sites and get into normal childhood mayhem and maxed out my pokewalkers twice a month and i was buzzed because i had two (2) whole friendship groups to choose from and that was such a huge deal to me the terminal social outcast. it was so simple and carefree and even though everything and everyone involved in this era grew up to suck except for one specific person i kinda really miss it.

#4: 2018 - this was the first year i wasn’t depressed to the point of nonfunctioning. it was 20gayteen, i was on antidepressants, i was as close to thriving as i got at uni (going into town with people once a week, attending art and culture events, getting good grades across the board), i started to write for fun again, i got my cat whom i love dearly, i was exhibited in my uni’s city’s literature festival, GOD i actually nearly attended a pride event that year can you imagine. this year was basically my life’s second peak. miss getting the 8am train and daintily sipping on a cherry coke to keep me from passing out. wish this time could have lasted longer.

#5: 2019 - kinda absolute middle of the road year not for lack of anything happening but because the overwhelming amount of good and bad things cancelled each other out. so like there’s the fact that i was at the top of my uni game this year, was basically making the first steps into a professional writing career (covid i will never forgive you for killing all that dead </3), finally saved up enough to buy myself a gaming pc, and the summer after the homestuck epilogues, but equally 2019 was the start of the Pochapal Gender Fiasco which is by far the most horrible thing i am still currently undergoing and i burnt myself out mentally about halfway through the year (being stuck overnight in a hospital for a panic attack absolutely horrible horrible irredeemable) and then got like super death plague flu that i was sick with for three months (literally recovered less than a month before rona hit. god’s cruel karma.). so like...it kind of averaged out? the good shit was good but not as great as other years and the bad shit was awful but nowhere near as terrible as it could have been. gotta give a shoutout to 90% of my current mutual cohort for following me in 2019...omelette route gang make some noise !!

#6: 2014 - oof. this year essentially marked the start of a four year long downward mental health spiral because everything fell into awful alignment. i’d just turned 16, finished secondary school, had all my friends up and ditch me at once, was home alone for a whole summer, and was hit with Sudden Intense Body Image Issues that i couldn’t explain until uh. after very recent developments lmao. this one goes out to the me of july 2014 who did nothing but lay in bed and listen to the same two marina albums on a loop because fuck i’m attracted to men and also my facial and body hair are really starting to come in and if i think about this for too long i will literally kill myself because oh god i can’t handle getting older which is clearly and definitely the issue going on here. my brain fucking broke super hardcore and it’s a miracle that an overeating disorder was like the worst thing i walked away with. 

#7: 2015 - downward spiral year two!! i was so volatile this year it was such a mess. i was totally socially isolated after a brief stint of falling in with a group of people at the start of my first year of sixth form until january where in quick succession a) it turned out every single one of these people was friends with the person who sexually assaulted me whom i obviously had a lot of complicated feelings towards and b) baby’s first crush came out as bisexual but in the “women and also trans women” kind of way which tore me up so terribly in ways i couldn’t begin to understand. no words for the experience of seeing a girl kiss a boy and crying so hard at night you threw up because you could never be her no matter how much you wanted it. actually kinda get the sense what was going on there was bigger than just some crush lmao. then after that i was so mentally ill i basically attended school less than half the time and it was the only year in my life i failed my exams. i ended up having to resit my entire set of first year a level exams because jesus christ was i in such a bad way it was a miracle i even showed up to them. all i did was either have anxiety attacks or enter bedbound depressive slumps for weeks at a time. but it’s okay because it gets worse.

#8: 2016 - downward spiral act iii: the spiralling. prefacing this by saying that i actually had two whole good months (april - may) in that i was functioning enough to do my exams and finish school with decent grades. the rest was super extra mega terrible. my school attendance for year 13 dipped below 65% and literally the only thing that kept me from being kicked out was the fact that i was naturally smart at the subjects i took and also because the school would have a lot to answer for after letting me get to that state despite having a hefty file on how damaged i was. keep in mind every single part of this was fully untreated btw - i was just floundering around and letting it all fester. i spent three solid weeks going to school but locking myself in the bathroom all day every day and having mental health episodes then going home like nothing else happened only to continue the breakdown that night. then things got kicked into fucked up overdrive when i moved out to uni and was cut off from what little support structures i did have. it was so bad all i did was cry all the time and never went anywhere to the point where three separate sources recommended me to the wellbeing and crisis counselling service that i stopped going to after two sessions because i was fucked up in ways cbt techniques could not even touch. at least i tried to make an effort for the first two months of uni which like. good for me?

#9: 2017 - what lieth at the base of the spiral. helltrench year. i was at literal rock bottom. i stopped going to class, i didn’t hand in a single piece of work. i lied to my parents and would book trains each day only to go back to my student flat and sit there and contemplate suicide. like i would just slump on the floor in a catatonic state and vividly contemplate one of four or so ways i could end my own life. i only didn’t because i wanted to wait until the summer to collect my last student loan and transfer it to my parents as an apology for my death which obviously didn’t end up happening. honestly i can’t remember much of the first half of 2017 that’s how bad it was. i remember taking a gender studies class and the teacher made it Weird that i was the Only Male Student in the room and then she sent me a scolding email after i walked out halfway through a class and never returned. apparently i got into a lot of online discourse in this year but i don’t remember anything other than being put on a blocklist by the milkfic author over ace discourse which is funny if you have the context. mostly i just baited terfs and weirdo freaks to get them to say horrible things to me as what i guess amounts to some kind of digital self harm. anyway breaking point came in late august when i got kicked out of university and then nobody could ignore it any more so there was no choice left but for me to seek out help and recover enough to function which luckily i did. i really Do Not remember 2017. you could tell me anything about that year and i’d probably believe you.

#10: 2011 - extra circle of hell for this little fucked up gem of a year. on the surface it wasn’t actually that terrible, until the Summer 2011 Domino Effect Of Bad Shit. up until like may/june it was a pretty all right year! i was 13 and had a surprisingly successful youtube channel uploading pokemon soundfont remixes to an audience of i think ~350-400 subscribers at my peak? anyway then i got hit with the early summer triple combo of childhood friends moving away, cute and quirky sexual assault at the hands of a person in my friend group, and then having some Really Great and Super Appropriate interactions with adults on deviantart. like obviously there’s the actual ptsd-inducing event which totally disrupted and killed the person i was right up until that moment and reshaped every facet of my life for better or worse (there’s an alternate timeline where that didn’t happen and i got into electronic music and/or coding instead) but really it’s the events that followed in its wake which were kind of more fucked up. so like all of a sudden i was super aware of my body and me growing my hair out and being mistaken for a girl in class suddenly became this Less Innocent thing and i ended up spending hours overnight going to transgender questioning forums and looking up hrt timeline videos and having the wikipedia article on tracheal shaving saved because it was a life raft to me whose voice was imminently gonna deepen and i was simultaneously reeling with constant trauma flashbacks and the whole thing was so so fucked up. then i was on deviantart and i don’t remember exactly how but a small group of furry guys ten to fifteen years older than me started messaging me and encouraging and requesting me to produce nonsexual fetish stuff for them and talking to me about stuff like if i’d ever thought about growing up to be gay and i didn’t think anything of it for a long while because they called me a very talented writer and it felt so good to have someone be nice to me after being so alone and isolated for months on end. anyway the only reason i got out of that before it got bad was because they invited me to one of the big furry sites and i was weirded out because i thought it was a porn site and thinking about sexual stuff was a huge trauma trigger so i just ended up blocking them all and pretending like it didn’t happen. at the time half this shit didn’t bother me but in retrospect holy fuck 2011 was such a damaging year. to think if like three events didn’t happen i wouldn’t be the fucked up mess you see before you today.

god fuck this turned out super long but i’m not apologising because this was a therapeutic exercise for me and also constitutes as one of the biggest pochapal lore dumps of all time. come get your food or whatever.

[bathunterofdevon]

Art/Animation/Video Update:

Good day everyone. 

You may or may not notice how quiet and inactive I've been lately - when I promised I would give regular updates about my renewed determination to practise art and learn to animate successfully. In the beginning, when I first started this new challenge, I was pumped up, and full of energy to start it. I made a promise that I would never give up no matter what, and always focus on getting better. And in the first 5-6 days, I did keep a level head and kept on going, with a clear goal at the end of it. But, over a relatively short time, -by day 5 I think- I became exhausted and couldn't carry on anymore. My own brain kept feeding and replaying bad memories over and over again, which left me feeling weak and spiritually broken. Eventually, I just burned out and collapsed. That was weeks ago now. Something I didn't expect to see again has returned suddenly, and with a vengeance. 

The past two weeks have been nothing short of hell for me. Realistically speaking, there is nothing wrong with me. I didn't have a rough or traumatic childhood. I haven't lost anyone close to me. I didn't break up with a long term girlfriend (never even had one to begin with). And yet, for some reasons which I feel are too complicated and awkward for me to discuss here, I've been feeling overwhelmingly cynical and bleak, like there is absolutely no point to me being alive. I feel like I have no future. And my brain is stuck in the past and I can't pull it out of there. 

 I remember feeling like this back when I was in Canada, and 3 years before that. It is strange. I don't think I have any legitimate reason to be depressed. There are so many people around the world who have really suffered terrible losses and come from real, hard and trying life circumstances. I know people who were sexually abused when they were children. I know someone who suffers from Schizophrenia, and regularly experiences headaches after being involved in an incident that gave them serious injuries in their childhood. I don't have either of those. I'm living with my family again - my Mum and Dad, and my family all love me and think the world of me. I recently started a new joj as a host and food busser for this new fancy restaurant in the town near where I live. And when people ask me what I'm feeling, I always tell them I'm fine. So everything should be okay. I'm doing all the things I ought to. I'm not old. I'm not ill. But for some reason, I'm just so sick and tired. Of virtually everything. 

I'm beginning to feel increasingly distant from my own life situation, like I'm on some kind of autopilot. Everything feels almost illusory and surreal. In a way, I wish I had some kind of real illness, like Coronavirus, or Cancer, with visible, manifest symptoms that everyone would notice. At least then there would be some kind of treatment for it. The past few days, my bedroom has slowly turned into a prison. I've become so lethargic, I haven't had breakfast in weeks. I've spent virtually entire days in my bed, and my dressing gown. I haven't even had the energy to take my dog for a walk. He is always sitting outside my bedroom door wagging his tail waiting for me to take care of him. I haven't spoken with my old school friends, or my extended family in ages, and I fear I'll never have the courage to break the mould and talk to them. And my bedroom is increasingly full of useless things that used to amuse me many years ago, but are now collecting dust. My piano is basically an ornament now - I haven't touched it in a very long time. My guitar's strings have long rusted and I haven't changed them in 7 years. I retrieved an old TV from the attic and hooked it to this laptop so I could use it as a second monitor to help with studying references while attempting digital art. But I've never even switched it on in months. My studio mic and audio interface - I suspect one or maybe both of them may be broken, but I can't even be bothered to investigate which - it just doesn't matter anymore. There are old songs from years ago that are half-finished that I wanted to finish and put on Soundcloud/maybe even Youtube, but music doesn't bring me enough joy anymore. Nothing does. 

You know–it's funny. My Gundham Tanaka video I released a year ago is becoming far more popular than I ever anticipated it would. I keep receiving new messages from newcomers telling me: 'My depression is cured' or 'this just made me feel so much better', etc etc. It's gratifying for me to hear people say things like that. But it's beginning to get a little tiring, all the same. It's a message that's just so out of tune with what I'm feeling.I just feel like a walking, rotting corpse. Even Kaede isn't making me feel happy anymore. Instead, I just feel lonely, and miss her. Speaking of which, a few weeks ago, I watched a video by Weebynewz about her execution, and I've discovered new information about it that I didn't notice before, which has made me feel a hundred times more uncomfortable. Now I feel quite sick, and even seeing the thumbnail for her execution video is enough to ruin my mood and break any focus and concentration I once had. 

I am lucky that I have online freerfs who I converse with regularly and who are always asking me if I'm okay. I'm grateful that they are there to make my daily experience marginally less shit. But these days, I rarely ever talk to them. I only respond now. I haven't got the energy to make small talk, or follow up on new developments or catch up with new memes. I know they're always looking out for me, but they are never going to get me out of this. The best they can do is stand well away from the event horizon and wait for me to force myself out of it.  

Fortunately though, for those of you who are worried about me, it's not completely bad. I have started taking medication again. You see, for a long time, I mistakenly believed you weren't supposed to take antidepressants while driving/learning to drive because they make you experience tiredness as a side-effect. Recently though, I learned that that's not technically true. You can take meds while you are driving, but the idea is that you are not supposed to drive if you feel tired, or your senses are impaired. In addition, I am looking to see if I can visit a counsellor and start having sessions. I'm kind of desperate for good news and a hope of recovery at the moment, but I guess it's still better than nothing. 

No matter what happens, I know this isn't really me. It's certainly a large part of me, but it's not all there is to my character. And frankly, I'm sick and tired of this, and I want it to stop. I want to keep entertaining all of you with silly videos. And maybe one day, I'd like to do a Q+A video/face+voice reveal, unprivate my old videos I made a decade ago, and introduce all of you to my real self. Then when that happens, I can finally move on, transcend my love of the Danganronpa franchise, and try something new. I'm not sure what that would entail. But it might be something that incorporates my love of music, anime, visual novels, and possibly writing/voice acting. 

Until that day finally comes, I'm going to remain stuck in this rut for who-knows-how-long. I won't know when the day will come, but I like to think I'll be fully aware when it has, since I'll feel totally different and refreshed. The only way I can come to terms with this long, dreary spell of melancholy is if it exists to serve some kind of purpose. And if this experience is to mean anything, then ultimately, my purpose is finally one day break free from it and discover a secret 'purpose' or 'why', or perhaps unlock a hidden potential I never knew I had all along. When that happens, then I can make my return and move on. Then my story could pick up from where I last left it. Or perhaps I can rewrite it altogether. 

I wish you all very well and sincerely hope NOBODY else in the world feels like this, 

 - Bat

[feralnumberfive]

I expect no one to read this at all. It’s more of a way to get some feelings off of my chest. This is a look into my personal life and what I went through in 2020. I cried quite a bit while writing this, haha.

My farewell letter to 2020:

To you 2020, the year that shook the world. You’re certainly one to go down in the record books. You changed my life as you did to everyone. To you, the month of March. I had hit the lowest part in my life since the shock of my parent's divorce 11 years ago. My beloved cat had died in October of 2019, a few days short of our one year anniversary of fostering him, which soon turned into us adopting him. It was sudden and unexpected. I still can remember clear as day that horrid call I got from my sister from the vet. “Hey, we need you to come up here. It’s kidney failure.” As she spoke through her tears, I instantly began to cry. I had felt sad for months after that. 

In December of 2019, the adoptive dad of one of my closest friends committed suicide. She was torn apart, having had three people she knew died earlier that year. I stood by her side and watched her cry. We colored together in the counseling room, making small talk and doing anything I could to comfort her. 

From late February into March, another one of my closest friends revealed to me a traumatic experience she went through. She had been raped by a classmate of mine, one who I considered to be good acquaintances. She was a grade younger than me, and was practically completely dependent on me and my friend, as she was too scared to tell her parents. She eventually completely relied on my friend as I became shoved out of the problem. Her story and the amount of support required from her, which she never gave back to me throughout our friendship, made me realize at that moment I had hit rock bottom. I was tired and so sick of it all. This sentence that I'm about to say is one I've never admitted to anyone: I didn't want to be around anymore, or at least alive. I needed somewhere to escape. I didn't want to commit suicide due to expectations I held upon myself. I was also too scared to commit suicide. 

I finally admitted I needed help, which was scary for me to do. In March of you, 2020, I was diagnosed with situational depression. I was soon put on an anti-depressant. It felt good to put a name on it, but little did I know I would pay the price for my relief. Preparing to go off to college, I needed to get a First Class Medical Certificate in order to apply to the flight program at the colloege I wanted to go to. I went and got my FAA Medical Certificate done, ticking off the boxes on my journey to fulfill my life long dream of becoming a pilot. 

Spring Break came and after watching schools around me close, it was announced that we wouldn't be returning until mid April, and then the end of April, then until May. I quickly realized it wasn't possible to return and that unbeknownst to me I had already spent the last days of my Senior year at school in March. A frantic question was suddenly formed amongst my classmates and soon the world: Will the class of 2020 graduate? I, being burnt out, didn't care what would happen to me or my class. We soon became a laughing stock and a sight to pity around the world. Class of 2020, Corona Class, The Class that would be telling this story to their kids. It didn't matter to me. As I held up the “Class of 2020″ shirt my uncle got me with the zeros as tp rolls, I sighed. I just wanted to graduate without getting laughed at. Spoiler Alert: That didn't happen. 

Around this time I ended my friendship with the girl who I cherished but didn't cherish me back. I still to this day can’t exactly understand why I did that. I blocked her and left without saying goodbye. That wasn’t the right thing to do at all. She had been raped and needed support, but here I was leaving her. She always needed and wanted my support but never gave it back. It was always “Aw you have a problem? Here, let’s try this minimal effort plan to help you. That didn’t work? Oh well, let’s get back to me.” This is no excuse at all for my actions of cutting her off. I really still don’t know why I did this. I had hung out with her everyday in the summer of 2019. Here I was, easily letting her go. Jackie, I’m so sorry. I hope you are doing well and get into ISU to follow your dreams of being an engineer. 

In May I received news that still hurts and effects me to this day. I had been denied my Medical Certificate. It wasn't due to me being on an antidepressant, is was due to the fact that I was depressed. This was soul crushing news, but there was still a chance I could reapply for the Medical Certificate if I jumped through multiple hoops. May also provided the announcement that my safe haven in Oshkosh, Wisconsin wouldn't be happening this year. It was definitely understandable due to the virus, but still very saddening to me. It’s really the only thing I look forward to each year, but I understood and agreed on why it was canceled for 2020.

In June I got the news that a beloved teacher of my family and I passed away due to a heart attack and complications of Addison’s Disease. She was the best math teacher I had ever had, and the best in my High School. Math is my worst subject, but she never made me feel stupid like the other math teachers. She always made sure I understood what I was doing. Sometimes when she didn’t feel like having class she would have a free day. She would gossip with my classmates and tell us stories of her youth. Sometimes though she would give us free days due to having intense migraines that sometimes hospitalized her due to her disease. It wasn’t fun to see her like that. 

In June she was hospitalized where even her husband and two kids weren’t allowed in to see her. The only person allowed into her before she died was her twin brother. The family decided to have a public funeral, with tons of people in the community and school district socially distancing and wearing masks to pay their respect. I began to cry as I listened to her husband tell everyone that he wasn't ready and was so scared to be a single parent. Their children were both under ten, and were now motherless. Mrs. Johnson it was so hard saying goodbye to you. I loved you so much, and I still do. You gave my friend who had lost her dad food and comfort. You did so much not only for my family and I, but for everyone in the community and school district. I miss you so much. 

Hot days came with hazy skies. Everyday I checked the wildfire smoke map as I watched the sun turn bright pink as the sun became a blazing red when the sun went down. For weeks our sky looked hazy. Some days looked cloudy, but it was actually smoke. As someone who lives the Midwest, this was quite surprising. 

In August I experienced something that will forever be remembered by me and everyone who lives in my state. A Derecho tore through and ravaged my hometown and the state that I dearly love. We watched through the window as trees snapped in half and branches and leaves whirled around everywhere. We watched through the window as water roared down the road, appearing as if a stream had started right next to us. We watched in fear as shingles were torn off and large items were blown through our yard. As the electricity flickered out, we wondered if we would be crushed by either tree that were on two sides of our house. Wet leaves were torn apart and slammed into our window, where they stayed there for a month afterwards. They looked like confetti, torn into thousands of tiny pieces. 

To the branches and trees I still see today in the neighboring towns and cities, broken reminders of the damage done. To you, the metal grain bins that still sit out in the flattened cornfields. Our once tall and proud cornfields that are a proud symbol of my state were now flattened to the ground, completely parallel to the rich farming soil that it stood in. Painting the countryside in flat waves of green with splotches of silver from grain bins and white from barns and houses damaged. Our proud stalks became damaged goods that costed us billions. To the buildings that still show their battle scars from months ago, the houses with the tarps on their roofs and the old wooden barns that couldn't handle the 140 mph. To you, Donald J, Trump, the President of the United States who was supposed to tour Cedar Rapids to exam the damage that still lies there today. You stayed in the airport and immediately left after getting your business done. You didn't care about us, you were there to do business and leave to start your campaigning.

My small town was able to clean up within a month or so, but even still TODAY the bigger cities are littered with damage. There are tree trunks and branches scattered along roads. Thousands of houses still have tarps on their houses and siding missing. 

In August my grandma was also diagnosed with Dementia. I've watched her deteriorate over the past few months. Every time we call she forgets that I’m not in school. Sometimes she forgets my name. When we tell her we’re on our way to visit outside her window, she forgets within 10 minutes. Grandma, I hope you never forget that I love you.

In September I finally met with a therapist. I am so thankful to be working with her. After months of my family getting angry and upset at me for being scared to go to the store, my therapist diagnosed me with Social Anxiety. I was so relieved to be diagnosed with it and to be working out the issues I have with my therapist. We work together weekly to help me become a better and more comfortable version of myself. 

Over the summer months the health of my already diseased cat took a steep decline. She was my cat, and I felt powerless as I slowly watched her die. She could no longer stay inside due to her having constant accidents. As we made our plan to take her to the vet to give her a peaceful death, I received a heartbreaking call from my mother on a cold September night. My little Jill had passed away in her sleep on our porch. I came over to say goodbye to my baby as I pet her cold fur one last time. I love you my little Jilly Bean and I miss you everyday. I miss and love you so so so much. 

September also brought the news that a precious B-25 had a crash landing. It always hurts to hear about a Warbird crashing or getting damaged. I was happy to hear though that they were going to fix it back to airworthiness.

In October I had to make a difficult decision with the FAA. Do I try to visit four different doctors for phycological examinations in order to complete my Medical Certificate or do I wait to get off my medicine and start feeling better on my own? I opted for the second part due to the decline of visiting all of those doctors coming up in November. We had been given that option early in the year, but Covid prevented us from traveling out of state to see those doctors. I sent a letter to the FAA to let them know what I was doing. I received a letter about a month ago that stated that I still needed to visit those doctors or something like that. I honestly didn’t look through it that well because it’s just such a pain in the butt.

Another thing about you 2020 is that you provided me with he opportunity to meet amazing people. I began to watch The Umbrella Academy in September, but I decided to make my account on October 1st. I’ve met tons of funny and talented people on here. The show itself had provided me tons of comfort. It has given me the courage to start writing fanfiction for it along with starting back up on drawing fanart

The end of 2020 has slowed down for me. One of my aviation heroes died this year, Mr. Chuck Yeager. It was heartbreaking for me to hear that. One of the worst days for me was ironically on my birthday in December. I felt really bitter and down and just wanted to sit in my room, but I didn’t. I don’t like celebrating my birthday anymore. As I get older it feels less and less special and in turn I feel sad about it. Another reason why is that I don’t like having a fuss made about it. I don’t like the attention from it haha. It’s okay though because even though this year I felt upset I eventually felt a bit happier as it turned to night. 

This year I witnessed history being made. Let me be clear that history is made every year, but this year was very eventful. I witnessed innocent black lives being slaughtered by the very people who are sworn to protect everyone. It’s so disappointing and soul crushing to see all of this. I don’t know if I’ve made it clear on here, but I strongly stand with the BLM movement. I may not understand what they haven been going through for decades, but I stand with them to make things right. Black Lives Matter, not All Lives. All Lives only matter when it’s actually true and Black Lives are included. If you saw a house on fire in an entire block of houses, you wouldn’t say “All Houses Matter!” No they don’t, that house on fire matters. Black Lives Fucking Matter, and All Cops Are Bastards.

To you, the Pledge of Allegiance. Everyday in elementary school I proudly held my right hand over my heart as I stared up at Old Glory and recited you. This year helped me realize that “With liberty and justice for all.” is total bullshit. The only thing I truly appreciate about my country now is the scenery and nature it provides. 

To you 2020, as I finish writing this letter on December 31st. You’ve made me cry a lot, including right now. You’ve deeply effected my life and brought me lots of sorrow. Despite all of this, I don't feel upset about you. Yes, you gave me some events that will always haunt me but that’s okay. 2020 even though you’ve hurt me, you’ve also shaped me. Yes, you also made my lose faith in my country and humanity, but I can only hope for the best. You’ve pushed me to become a better version of myself. 

So to you 2020, you’ve been a hell of a year. I’ve hated and loved you, but mostly hated you. I went through some shit, but others have gone through worse this year. To those of you who have had a very hard time this year, I love you. I sincerely hope things get better for you. Friend or stranger, you can always rely on me as someone to talk to, to rant or vent to, and to cry to. This year was excruciating, but don’t give up. It has ended and a new year has begun. Sure 2021 may also be bad and we’re all exhausted from 2020, but let’s fight till the end. 

[byebecca]

(KELSEY MERRITT, CIS-WOMAN) - Have you seen REBECCA STEVENS? BECCA is in her JUNIOR year. The POLITICAL SCIENCE MAJOR is 21 years old & is a GEMINI. People say SHE is AMBITIOUS, SOPHISTICATED, RECLUSE and MANIPULATIVE. Rumors say they’re a member of the CALLOWAY SOCIETY. I heard from the gossip blog that SHE’S COVERING UP HER FATHER’S AFFAIR FROM HER MOTHER AND THE REST OF THE WORLD. 

statistics

general

full name: rebecca diana stevens

nicknames: becca, bec, b, stevens

age: twenty-one

date of birth: may 25th, 1999

hometown: hartford, connecticut

sexuality: bisexual

current residence: preaker, vermont

languages spoken: english, filipino, italian

personality

zodiac: gemini sun, aquarius moon, virgo rising

alignment: neutral evil

mbti: istj-a

appearance

hair color: brown

eye color: dark-brown

height: 5'8"

biography

rebecca diana stevens wasn’t born out of love or sincerity, she was born to fulfill a a status quo. althea and joseph stevens had but one child before becca, one conceived out of wedlock and to a different woman. joseph stevens hailed from a political dynasty, his past ancestors holding powerful positions in government, and a son born from a college relationship with a woman of much lower status would only tarnish the political standing of the future governor of connecticut, mr. joseph stevens himself. so the family did what they knew best, and threw the entire possibility of a scandal under the rug, paying off joseph’s girlfriend to grant sole custody to him. it was only within a few short months that joseph’s mother set him up with the daughter of a fortune 500 ceo, althea santos. the two were attending yates university at the time, both in their senior year of school. the manufactured relationship quickly became a marriage within the next few years, althea claiming her stepson as one of her own, at least in front of the public eye. and within a years, rebecca diana stevens was brought into the world, her middle name inspired by the late princess diana, who althea had been fond of.

in the public eye, the stevens were a loving, wholesome family, deplete of any controversy. it was what led joseph to his government title. but underneath it, the stevens mirrored any family with exorbitant wealth and a powerful status.

growing up, becca had often felt like a robot. she simply smiled and waved to the cameras whenever asked, which was perhaps the slightest bit of emotion anyone saw out of her from a young age. but beyond that, she felt completely, and utterly empty, even as a child. she didn’t have a naturally friendly or kind bone in her body, unless told to have one. she destroyed things, threw tantrums erratically, and refused to speak unless it was necessary. because once the cameras and watching eyes were gone, becca’s parents didn’t treat her like how they did in front of a camera. it wasn’t that she was abused, it was that her parents didn’t care about her. she could scream bloody murder in the middle of the night, and they’d only send a nanny to her in hopes of shutting her up. it was clearly possible that young becca had used anger as a tool to get the attention of her careless parents, but after a while, a part of her had realized that there was nothing that could be done to get there attention. and as more time past, the less she wanted any.

as becca grew into her teens, the easiest term used to describe her would’ve been ‘loner.’ she hated any attention, almost as much as she began to hate people. she’d continued to listen to her parents, smile for the cameras, wear something that wasn’t black when dinner party season began, but underneath it all, she despised her parents. she dreamt that she was a witch, able to cast a hex on them and for the world to see how awful they really were. the only emotion becca seemed to ever feel was anger, and even that faded away with the use of antidepressants.

to those who met her, she was cold, and blunt, and if there wasn’t a camera to her face or a public official to wow, she had absolutely no filter. in high school, more often than not, you’d find her in the library with a black hoodie on reading a book, not because she cared an awful lot at school (despite ironically excelling at it), but because she knew it was a place no one would bother her. she was rich, and beautiful, and had every chance of being the queen bee of her boarding school. but she didn’t care to, she didn’t care about anything. after graduating, she chose to go to yates, her parent’s alma mater, instead of yale university, in the town she’d grown up in.

she’d joined calloway, even if a part of her felt that she’d fit into any society at yates. and by fit in, she meant ignore everyone’s presence. but being in yates was different. at least in high school, everyone had already known to leave her alone. there wasn’t an opportunity for her to be liked, because she’d already spent years cultivating an awful reputation. somehow, somewhere along the way, becca found herself caring about a few select people, as awful and wrong as it felt at the time. she still hated the majority of her peers, but some had managed to crack her dead heart. and she definitely hated that.

despite never admitting it, becca had come to yates as a virgin. she hadn’t ever been in a relationship, or even a casual hookup before. she hadn’t done much in her freshman year, but just as her 2nd year started, the relationship that gave her everything, only to take it all away begun. he was easy on the eyes, and she remembered him saying all the right words. he hadn’t cared that she was a bit meaner than most, and that she mostly had the emotional capacity of a rock. he’d tried, and tried, and eventually, becca let him in. she let herself believe that someone was capable of caring about her. everything was perfect in the beginning. she smiled, and laughed, and acted like one of the lovesick people she’d silently judged at one point. she was truly, and hopelessly, in love. until he cheated on her, that is. and then it was as if everything came crashing down. maybe if she hadn’t caught him sitting a little too close to a girl, running from the door instead of asking questions, they’d still be together. she didn’t have proof, but at the same time, she didn’t need any for her heart to feel completely shattered.

after crying for an hour and a half in the parking lot of a taco bell, becca was reminded of what she went through as a child, regressing into an old mentality, that showing emotion was pointless, that she wasn’t capable of being loved. she ignored him, and everyone after that. people checked in on her, and she acted as if it never even happened, still caring about those few select people, but always keeping her guard up.

headcanons

comes off as mean, and standoffish. can’t stand majority of people but will fake it until she makes it just to get through the day. if she does care about you, she’s still kinda guarded and never lets people know what shes really thinking, but she does care (deep down)

always wears black, and for some odd reason, always has an ominous black book at her side that’s contents are unknown.

is a polysci major because it just makes sense though it isnt really what she wants to do with her life (tuition ain’t free), she’d love to be an author and write fiction novels

can be very odd and dark at times like you’d think shes a vampire

has major insomnia and will usually be found at 7/11 or roaming the streets at 2am

plays obnoxiously loud music in her wired earphones because she doesn’t care

wanted connections

okay obviously i really want becca’s ex connection. she’s only had one boyfriend and he’s the only man who could break her heart. i’d love to plot this out because maybe he wasn’t even cheating??? lets give men a few rights okay, but this is definitely my biggest one

a best friend!! someone who gets her, probably understands how she’s feeling without her saying anything. she’s not really like the girl gang kinda girl but whatever

her half-brother is one of my wcs on the main but yes <3 i’d love to see their dynamic and what he’d be like

honestly anything!! friends, enemies, acquaintances, hookups, fwb !!!

[personalarsonist]

Warmth

Full fic instead of a bit piece. This is the first time I’ve ever written smut and i feel like i’v done a shitty but kinda good job. Don’t listen to me I’m a complete chaotic dumbass...1 Phrase/Sentence Smut Prompt #100

Words: 1064 (?)

@nasti-imagines please enjoy because my tears went into this as I screamed at my computer.

Edit: Made Brody speak Irish Gaelic, because I doubt he'd speak English and I think he'd absolutely refuse to do so.

He bent over, nuzzling his face into her neck, his arms wrapped around her waist as she was cooking dinner. Brody huffed as he continued to “cuddle” Eliza. It was a wonder and a strange phenomenon to how the woman could even somewhat tame the large raccoon like man. When he first saw her, he had intended to kill her, but somehow her softness had wormed its way into his mind, soul, and heart.

Eliza hummed quietly, enjoying the attention that she was receiving, all while calming down the infamous Killarney Killer. It was an old Irish folk song, one that she had heard his mother sing before rushing off into town. Brody closed his eyes as he huffed again, leaning more into  her neck as much as possible. Her skin was soft and warm opposed to his rough and cold exterior.

He opened his mouth, his teeth grazed her as he bit, licked, and sucked at the flesh. Brody relished the moans that came from his woman’s mouth, pleading him to let her finish cooking before dinner burned on the stove, calling his name out. He growled.  

His hands slowly slid up under her shirt, finger skimming at her stomach before settling on her breasts, kneading them until they were sensitive. He pinched her nipples until they were hard and pressing against the fabric of her bra. Delightful.

Brody took one hand from Eliza’s body and reached to turn the stove off. “What ar-“ The man turned and lifted her over his shoulder. “Anois…” He mumbled; his voice slightly hoarse from not using it. The feral, not tamed man walked and climbed stairs to his room, slamming the door shut as he entered it. Placing the small petite woman on his old bed, Brody continued his attack on her throat, his hands again finding her chest.

Eliza gasped and shivered, only making the large man push her to make more. “B-Brody, what about d-diner?” He didn’t reply, only moving, setting her back and shifting on the old creaking bed to straddle her as he worked to remove her blouse and bra. Throwing the hated fabrics aside, Brody leaned down and captured a hardened nipple with his teeth. Looking up to see Eliza’s face, red from attention she was receiving, he moved until his face was in the crook of her neck.

His voice croaked out as he tried to convey his thoughts. “Cuir glaoch orm féin santach ach níor mhaith liom riamh go dtiocfadh duine ar bith eile i dteagmháil leat…” The redheaded woman smiled and replied in kind, tugging lightly on the now soft black curls on Brody’s head. Returning to his previous action, he licked down, over his markings, until he reached his desired spot. Eliza moaned out, her fingers tangled in his hair as he switched from one breast to the other, “Brody, stop teasing…” She shouldn’t have said that. The feral man flipped a switch. He tried, he really did, he really tried to make this a sweet time, but it seemed that she had other ideas.

He rushed, moving at a quick pace to remove her pants, fumbling with the buttons, and opting to just rip them instead. “BRODY!” He couldn’t do anything right, could he? He continued, pulling the rest of her clothing off, tearing them apart. He’d deal with her anger about it later. He draped Eliza’s legs over his shoulders. His mouth met soft pale skin as he trailed his lips down to between her thighs, planting bruising along them until he reached her core. Heat radiated from her, warming him up. It had elicited a sigh from him.

Brody lowered his lips to her clit, licking and sucking the sensitive bud before shoving his tongue inside her, lapping everything she had. Eliza mewled. He slid one hand up her thigh, the other travelling between the short curls to touch the most private part of her. Her hands found his hair, tangling her fingers in the mass  of black again, tightening as he continued to torture her. Fire shot through her as his fingers stroked her tender folds, making her feel alive.

He sank one long finger inside of her, her wetness coating it. He added another. Her legs shook and her toes curled as he made a come-hither motion. She moaned as she felt a burn in her tummy, like a snake coiling inside before she came. She saw white lights and stars as she groaned his name like a prayer. Music to his ears. He grew restless and was straining in his now tight jeans.

 He lifted himself up over her, quickly unzipped his pants to fish his throbbing cock out. The tip was an angry red and already leaking precum. Eliza sighed heavily as he drove himself inside of her. She purred at the sensation as his whiskers teased her skin, making her breasts swell and tingle. Brody slammed his hips against hers, groaning heavily. “F-fuck Brody!” Her screams falling deep into the nook of his neck. Eliza’s face was contorted into one of pleasure, eyebrows knitted, eyes tightly shut, her mouth wide open as he pounded into her.

She gasped, air seeming to no longer be in her lungs as his tip hit her cervix. The familiar feeling of the coil started inside her again, hotter it burned as it turned into a strange pleasure. Warm and wicked, it took over her entire being.

Eliza screamed as her body exploded into a climax. Brody smirked in triumph as her felt her body spasming under him. He grabbed her hips and thrusted into her harder, intensifying her orgasm, making her cry out. He growled as absolute pleasure ripped through him, joining Eliza in bliss. She was heavenly, angelic, and left him breathless and weak. Weak enough that he doubted he’d be able to move anytime soon, that is, much rather in his lifetime.

He let his body fall on top of hers, covering her completely. His face laying in the valley between her breasts, savoring the soft warmth of them. Brody huffed as Eliza giggled dreamily. No words needed to be said, not after the animalistic session they just had. Dinner would have to wait until later, neither of them in the mood to eat. The redheaded woman smiled lightly as she cherished him, knowing fully that she’s the only one able to tame the wild Irishman in her arms.

  Kill me, it took me while to finish this without antidepressants and having insomnia. 

I died for you, now you give me your first born.

[letterstotheone-whomilovemost]

12/31/2020 (14 months after the event)

Happy New Years!

It has been a rather weird year, hasn’t it? While some days from this year feel like they were only yesterday, others feel like half a decade ago. To be quite frank, the same applies to the last time I saw you. I’m sure if you saw this you would go “blah blah, you say the same thing every time you write.” While this is true, I can’t help it. I started taking new medication, as of 14 days ago. My psychiatrist, I have one of those now-- along with a therapist haha, recommended me getting put on escitalopram for my severe anxiety. It’s always been pretty bad, but over the course of the past 14 months, it has skyrocketed pretty high. Isn’t it strange how our minds develop as we get older? Survival of the fittest? Or is it just adaptation? The human body is pretty neat, let alone our brain. 

I was going through my photos the other day, and got the sudden urge to delete all of them. Of course, I’m not as crazy as just upright deleting them-- so I uploaded all of them onto a drive, and then deleted them from my phone. All of them. Decided it was time for a fresh start, why not start with the one thing I open every day, right? I decided earlier today, about a week after I deleted all of my photos, that I would go into my drive to try and find a photo from September that I downloaded from a manga I was reading. Of course I got sidetracked, I scrolled to 2014 and was going through all of my old photos with my brother and my family, and then suddenly I got to 2017 and there it was. The black and white photo of you and I at the parking deck, both of us laughing as hard as we possibly could. I smiled softly of course, as the beautiful memory came rushing over me. But then something hit me. For some reason, this isn’t how I remember you. My brain forgot what you looked like, or at least started trying to. It’s been about a year since I last saw a photo of you. While the brain is so incredibly amazing, it has a bad habit of memories starting to fade, especially when it’s a person attached to bad memories as well. It works in some cases, where people are trying to forget-- but even still it does the opposite and leaves the person going “Why can’t I forget you!?”. Strange, right? The human mind is so beautiful. I can still hear you talking to me sometimes, if I try hard enough. Lately, I haven’t been so hard on myself. I’m trying to figure myself out still, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it is okay that I still love you. I know I more than likely always will. That’s what love is, right? Being able to love and never losing that love, no matter what happens. 

All of this being said, I figured I would kind of recap everything that has happened in the wonderful year of 2020. It has been one hell of a ride.

January, the month of my brother’s 15th birthday. He was so happy and we all celebrated his birthday with him the following weekend. We also went hiking the same month, while it was cold; my mother, brother, and I had a blast. This month was mostly just working and being lazy on my off days. I had a fall out with my best friend.

February, I had a love hate relationship with this month. I tried dating someone new, I saw that you had gotten in a relationship two months prior and figured it was time for me to try and move on as well. Needless to say, dude was a douchebag and was a very violent individual. I left him within 3 weeks. My birth father, his newlywed wife, my cousin from my favorite uncle, whom I had never met until then, and I all went to Ruby Falls. It was quite a beautiful journey. Whilst I fought with my father, it turned out to be an okay experience. Later in the month, I ended up getting into a fight with my landlord, who was demanding that I pay extra, even though I was not behind on any payments. I ended up cooperating with them, so that I didn’t lose my home. I celebrated my little sister’s fifth birthday.

March, I lost my job. Millions and millions of other people did as well. Covid-19 struck the world. I took it lightly and just assumed that yet again, the media was blowing things out of proportion. My landlord wasn’t understanding of the fact I was put out of work, along with millions of others. They ended up being generous for the month after I showed them statistics. I ended up being lazy, doing nothing but watching Netflix and Disney plus for the entire month.

April, Corona Virus was boring at this point. We had all been told, “Oh! We’ll all be open for business again in the next two weeks!”. That was the first week of March, and it was now April. The government didn’t give us any kind of help until the last week, so that kind of fucked me. I spent most days laying in bed on TikTok. I also got super into streaming in the beginning of this month, and my platform was finally starting to take off.

May, unemployed for two months. I debated taking a job at a warehouse. Unfortunately, the media deterred me from doing so. There was a spike of cases in my state; it was terrifying. I didn’t leave my house much. I got my dog, for the first time in 4 years. It was beautiful, I cried. He was so happy to be back home. I started a routine of watching anime every morning at 7 am and then going for a walk. I wanted to get back into a daily routine, regardless if I had a job or not. I was falling behind on bills, and I really needed to distract myself. I started getting into digital art, rather than traditional, for the first time ever. I stopped making my music.

June, I reconnected with a lot of old online friends from 2013. It was strange and I didn’t really know how to feel about it. It was nostalgic in a way, spending late nights on discord calls. I didn’t really enjoy it all too much, I felt like it all needed to stay in the past. I started anti-depressants, again. This time it was Prozac. It made me feel extremely drowsy, and made me feel out of body most of the time. I tried to date, again. An old friend that I had from 2013, we reconnected and even though they were out of state, I decided-- “Hey, maybe this will be good for me. I don’t have to worry about them getting aggressive with me, we can take things slow, and we can pace ourselves.” Oh man, if only I knew. He flew down to my state, met the family, was extremely respectful and even stayed in a hotel the first trip. Everything seemed to be going okay.

July, my 21st birthday. Did I drink? No. Sounds crazy, right? I had about half a drink, and decided I just didn’t want any. I had stopped taking my antidepressants, the new boyfriend had said that I wasn’t acting right. It fed into my suspicion, that the meds weren’t doing a whole lot for me. They were just making me really sleepy and on edge all the time. The new boyfriend had come down again for my birthday and mother’s birthday, since we share the same birth week. Celebrated with my mom, her best friend, and I. July was pretty hectic, since I had decided I would be moving to West Virginia on August 5, 2020.

August, I moved to West Virginia. I packed up all of my belongings, uprooted everything I had ever known, hugged my family goodbye, and got into the back of a truck with a u-haul attached to it. I rode in the back of the vehicle for 14 hours, fell asleep in Kentucky, woke up in Ohio. It was daylight by the time we approached West Virginia. It was so beautiful, all of the mountains. I was moving into the house in which he lived in, which his sister was next door on one side, and his parents on the other side. We had the nice river breeze, since Ohio river was within eyesight. I lived in the Tri-state area so it was Pennsylvania on one side, Ohio on the other, and us-- five minutes to each state. It was a good first couple of days. Then we got into our first fight. I was unable to work, since I left my car behind. Luckily, I had saved up a bunch of money for me to be able to buy one. He hit me with really low blows, saying I didn’t need to work-- since women weren’t good for that kind of thing. It hurt, to be honest. I had never seen him like this before, in the eight years I had known of his existence. He had been with me in my hometown for three weeks and not once acted like this. I walked on eggshells, bought a car with my hard earned money, then got a management job at the Domino’s that was ten minutes from my town I was living in. Towards the end of the month, he got aggressive with me. He stopped working the same week I had moved in, he had no car. He had no ambition, he decided to just give up. Maybe that’s what I tried to see, maybe-- just maybe I could help him find some ambition. I wanted to save him, in a way? We got into a severe fight, I couldn’t take it anymore-- I fought back, and he ended up swinging on me.

September, I packed all of my belongings that I could into my tiny little Toyota, and left in the middle of the night. I had one thing on my mind, and that was to go to my mom’s house. My mother had known how bad he had gotten, since he acted such a way with my mother on the phone, unknowingly. I drove for 15 hours, well 13 but with rest stops to nap for a bit since I was running off of no sleep, but I finally ended up back home. I ended up staying with my mom for a bit. Later had to relocate, so I moved in with an old friend. Started streaming again.

October, Worked. Literally worked the entire month, my entire existence fell into dread. I became overly aware of how much time had passed. I felt like I had been doing nothing. I dreaded the last day of the month, every day just gave me more and more sadness.  I didn’t want the day to come. I started dreaming of you more and more and more. Halloween came, I decided to look at it differently, I started to thank you-- rather than try to hate you. I came to the conclusion that I would never hate you.

November, Thanksgiving! I started to become grateful, moved back into my mom’s house. It was a bumpy ride, but I managed to get back into the habit of doing healthy things. Started going to the gym again, drinking more water. I told my father he was dead to me, haven’t spoken to him since. I got to spend Thanksgiving with my real family, my mother and her best friend’s family. They watched me grow up since the day I was born. It was so much better than any other holiday I had ever had up to this date.

December, I started a new form of medicine. This time it was for anxiety, since that’s the main factor of my illness-- or so we think so far. I am on escitalopram, and I started it the week before Christmas. I got to see my real family again. It was nice, but this time I got to reunite with my childhood best friend for the first time in fifteen years. It was so lovely. I have become almost bedridden again, but it won’t last long-- since it’s just a side effect of my medicine. I also got to see some friends from high school, but then I realized-- they’re the exact same way they’ve been since the beginning. They wanted nothing but to talk about drama. It just isn’t my thing, I don’t like dealing with people much anymore, because of the constant drama. I’ve learned a lot about people changing, and the lack thereof.

I think this year has been a year full of lessons for me, and it has been tough. As they say, there’s no pleasure without pain, no pain no gain, right? This year has taught me a lot about myself and the people around me, and I am extremely grateful for the things I have experienced. I’ve learned so much about who I am as a person. I’ve grown a lot, while this year has kicked my ass. I have high hopes for the next year. For the first time, since 2016, I finally see a future in myself, by myself. 

To New Beginnings, Lovebug.

I love you, always.

22:27

[pcndemoniums]

Skins inspired series: Our Youth (1999 - 2002) / Our Wasted Youth (2020)

This is a loooong request so bare with me. Be aware that these guys have known each other since the age of 16. They’ve had their ups and downs through the years but in the end they have managed to stay friends. 

[ tw: mentions of underage  drinking, sex, mental illness, eating disorder, substance abuse, suicide, overdose, bullying and death ] 

The Shows

Our Youth was an American teen comedy-drama television series that followed the lives of a group of teenagers in the fictional small town of Madison, California. Its controversial story-lines  explored issues like dysfunctional families, mental illness (such as depression, eating disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder and bipolar disorder), adolescent sexuality, gender, substance abuse, autism spectrum disorder, death, and bullying. In a time where most TV shows about teenagers were unrealistic affairs propped up by a cast of actors at least 10 years older than their fictional age, Our Youth changed all that by depicting realistic portrayals of teen characters who slept with each other, went to parties, drank a lot, smoked weed, and talked like the kids they were. Much of the controversy around its early episodes criticized its portrayal of sex, bad language, and explicit drug use but it was always careful to temper the hedonism with consequences, the comedy with tragedy. The show premiered on 25 January 1999 and went on to be a critical success. However, real life drama became too much for show runners to handle and the show was cancelled after three seasons. It ended on a shocking cliffhanger that left most viewers outraged and heart broken. 

After the show ended the cast went their separate ways, trying different things to maintain their success but the bad reputation that came from the show seemed to follow them around. Some of them went on to star in low budget films and others completely fell off the radar. For years there have been talks and rumors about a possible fourth season of the series but it was not until early this year that it was announced that the show was going to be getting a second life. Netflix acquired the rights to the show in 2018 and finally announced that they were starting production at the end of 2020 with the original cast in tow. The fourth season of Our Youth has been renamed Our Wasted Youth and will take place 20 years after the events of the third season finale and will chronicle how the teens, now adults, are dealing with the ghosts of their past. 

Behind The Scenes

So this show was a big deal back in the day. As far as aesthetics go then think of the show Skins, the UK version. It was mostly based on a group of kids who lived in the same neighborhood, went to the same high school and were involved in a lot of shenanigans. They partied a lot, got in trouble, sometimes they learned a lesson or two - most times they didn’t. Some critics loved it because of its realism, but others found it too controversial for television. It did not help that the cast, all between the ages of 14 and 16 at the time, were pretty much left unattended to do whatever they wanted and they didn’t choose to sit and study. There was a lot of bad behavior behind the scenes, scandals, fights, drama, etc. Life imitating fiction if you will. To the point where the show was cancelled after three seasons. They decided to end the show in dramatic fashion with the hits involved in a horrible car accident. The last shot of the show was that of the car wreck and the fate of the teens was left to the imagination. Yeah, people were pissed, demanding a resolution. Honestly at this point there was so much hostility that the actors were just glad that it all ended. I mean these guys were all hormonal teenagers, getting fame and money, so you can imagine what went on behind the scenes.

The show still had a huge fan base, even if the actors were not particularly famous anymore. They all had a hard time getting decent work because they had this very bad reputation of being disruptive. In 2010, Kurt Davidson, who portrayed Gus Chandler, was found dead in his home from apparent drug overdose. The actor had been fighting a long battle with addiction and it was during this time that the actors got together and had a little reunion with fans. They resolved their issues and started to become really good friends. There was a media outcry surrounding Kurt’s death though and an article was published on various news sources about the dangers of exposing actors to the drug culture at such a young age. Any hope that the show would come back was lost after the death of Kurt Davidson. But then in 2018 it was confirmed that the show was coming back to Netflix and was scheduled to start shooting in 2019. However, things got a little sidetracked and people started to think that the show was already doomed even before they started shooting. Thankfully things started to brighten up and the show started shooting in January of 2020. This new season will deal with the repercussions of the accident and how the characters are dealing with adulthood. It will have 10 episodes and they are currently shooting episode seven. Because of the tight schedule, these guys have been spending a lot of time together and who knows, maybe there’s the chance for a lot of new drama. 

Now because I’m crazy, here are the characters of the show and their little arcs, just so you can get an idea of who you’d like your character to play.

Main Cast

Lukas Larsen ( 35 - 36 yo - character name - open face claim ): Lukas Larsen is an attractive, intelligent and popular boy. His manipulative ways often go unnoticed by many, and are a catalyst for the majority of the events in the series. At first he appears to have complete control over his friends, exudes confidence and has an answer for everything. He enjoys being the driver of drama and prides himself on being some type of puppet master. In the effort to keep his life perfect and interesting he does things that even the most self serving person would never do. He plays with people’s emotions. He plays games because he can. Furthermore he does not feel bad about those things until he loses control. As the series progresses we see Lukas lose control of himself, his friends and of the situation due to a distorted sense of self and an exaggerated sense of importance. We end the series with Lukas behind the wheel of the car and driving everyone into a ditch. NEW SERIES: In the new season Lukas is a lawyer, married and with kids. However, he is incredibly unhappy, cheating on his wife with Evie Nixon and getting involved in scams. We learn that the accident left him in a coma for seven months and that he had to relearn to do everything. Even though it looks like he has not learned anything on the surface we see that Lukas is carrying a lot of guilt for what happened and is seeing a therapist in order to cope. 

Evie Nixon ( 34 yo - tbd - Kat Graham ): Evie is  the youngest of the group as she skipped 9th grade. She is initially described as being "the sweetest girl you will ever meet". However, it is shown that underneath her sweet exterior, she will resort to anything in order to keep the power in her grasps, even at the expense of others. She starts the series off dating the head jock boy of Madison High. However it’s quickly revealed that she’s dating him more for status than for romance. When we meet the couple, they’ve yet to have sex and t is revealed that Evie is actually a virgin and is scared to ‘give it away.  She faces a lot of criticism throughout the series, having to deal with her parents divorcing, an abusive older boyfriend and an addiction to antidepressants. However, she eventually learns that her manipulative ways are damaging to others and by the end of the series she becomes a much better person. NEW SERIES: The accident changed Evie. She became angry and distant. Evie is divorced and has a seven year old boy. She has two jobs and no apparent social life which makes her a little bitter. She is having an affair with Lukas Larsen but hates every second of it. 

Gus Chandler ( 35 yo - Kurt Davidson - NPC ): Gus is Luka's best friend, but has an entirely opposite personality. He lacks confidence, is socially uneasy and struggles with school work. He often suffers from panic attacks that he learns to control over the course of the series. He tends to put himself down a lot, especially when it comes to his relationship with girls. He loves comic books, loves science, is very friendly and playful and treats everyone with respect. Gus learns to be more self confident and to stand up for himself which earns a lot of respect from his friends. By the end of the series Gus is engaged to Nancy Buckley. NEW SERIES: We learn that Gus died in the car accident. Some people believe the decision to kill off his character is a bit polemical since the actor died in real life. However, the series creators have stated that having another actor play the part of Gus felt wrong and that they needed the accident to have a serious consequence. “Kurt Davidson is still a huge part of the show and his character’s death  is the driving force of the new season.” In some way that is true since a lot of the show revolves around the 20th anniversary of Gus’ death. 

Nancy Buckley ( 35 - 36 yo - character name - open face claim ): Luka's girlfriend. A girl who can never stay angry at his mischievous behavior for long. Outwardly, Nancy appears shallow, vain and conceited but she works hard and is emotionally mature. She is seen by most as a beautiful and confident girl but she suffers from the same insecurities as everyone else. At the beginning of the series she is dating Lukas and is always trying to make him happy. Eventually she realizes that the relationship is really toxic and distances herself from him. She and Gus start to get closer which causes a lot of complications and arguments between him and Lukas. By the end of the series Nancy learns to value herself more and she and Gus form a beautiful and healthy relationship. NEW SERIES: Nancy suffered a lot after the accident and the death of her fiance and that includes reconstructive surgery on her face which has made her feel really self conscious. She hasn't been able to keep a serious relationship and is emotionally closed off. Currently she works in real estate and seems to be leading a successful life. She has decided to be a surrogate for Ivy and her wife's baby. 

Ben Morrow ( 36 yo - Dean Montgomery - Paul Wesley ): Ben is the party animal of the group. He has a difficult home life; he lost his brother to illness at a young age, and is an emancipated minor due to his ambivalent father and absent mother. When we first meet Ben he is presented as a fun loving pill popper who is always encouraging his friends to have fun. As the series progresses we learn that this attitude is just a front and that Ben’s life is actually filled with pain and rejection from his parents. His father is a crook and his mother has done porn her entire life, which has been a constant embarrassment for Ben. Ben is very volatile and unpredictable and unlike Lukas he very easily loses control of the situation. It is hinted that he is bisexual but it was never fully confirmed. By the end of the series they are rushing him to the hospital as he is overdosing inside the car. When we see the car crash we are left to assume that he definitely died. NEW SERIES: Shockingly Ben survived the accident but it left him with a lot of emotional scars. Unable to find a job he has turned into a life of crime that includes petty theft and drug dealing. The first time we see him again he is getting out of prison after spending six months behind bars for robbing a liquor store. We learn that Lukas helped put him away and that Teddy posted his bail. He also has a lover named Sean who also provides him drugs.

Cara James ( 35 yo - character name - open face claim ): A friend of Emily, an odd girl who suffers from an eating disorder. Cara attempts to hide her own struggles with mental health while her flamboyant parents ignore her in favor of their new baby. We first meet her as she returns to Madison High after spending months in a rehabilitation center. Cara is very observant, aloof and incredibly understanding. To her everything is magical. Her positive attitude gives the show a sense of hope when things get really bad. She and Ben Morrow have a very close relationship that was a constant will they/won't they throughout the series.  By the end of the series she manages to overcome her disorder, and makes plans to leave Madison and travel to Europe. NEW SERIES: Cara made it to Europe after surviving the accident and became a famous model which caused her eating disorder to resurface. After a few scandals and the fact that she is not as young as she used to be, Cara returns to Madison and tries to reconnect with her friends. She finds out that this is easier said than done. 

Teddy Vargas ( 35 - 36 yo - character name - open face claim - latinx ): is an easy-going skater who likes to smoke weed, and as the more sensible and responsible friend, he is often put out by Luka’s behavior. Teddy is forced to act as the leader of the group whenever Gus has a panic attack or when Lukas takes things too far; he is by far the most reliable in a crisis. We learned that his mom took her own life after battling depression and he has always resented his father for not getting her help. He has a very ambitious sister who always looks for the spotlight and manages to get all the attention from his dad. Teddy is always looking to save people and wants what is best for everyone. He is very compassionate and selfless but at the same time he knows when to put his foot down and always stands up for himself. NEW SERIES: Teddy suffered a leg injury and therefore he has to wear a brace. It was hard for him since he was always into sports, especially skating. He became a teacher and is currently the new high school principal at Madison. He tries to guide his students and keep them from doing the same mistakes he did as a kid but he is finding that to be challenging. He and Ben are good friends and we learn that he posted bail for Ben’s early release. Teddy is engaged to Molly Larsen.

Ivy Porter ( 35 - 36 yo - character name - open face claim ): Ivy is coming to terms with her identity as a lesbian. She is used to being the shadow of her sister, and is sulky but perceptive. As the show progresses, she begins to come out of her shell and strives for individuality. Much of this is due to her becoming okay with her sexuality and her feelings for Poppy Drake. She’s a kind and idealistic person but at the same time she can be selfish and passive aggressive. Her relationship with Poppy has its ups and downs but by the end of the series they had decided to stay together and make things work. Ivy was the only one who was not involved in the car crash because she and Poppy were spending the night together. NEW SERIES: Even though she was not involved in the accident Ivy was still affected by it since she was very close to Gus. We learn that she and Poppy broke things off and decided to stay friends. We also learn that Ivy married a woman named Susana and that they have asked Nancy to be their surrogate. Ivy struggles with the idea of starting a family but doesn't know how to talk to Susan about it.

Supporting Cast

Molly Larsen ( 33 - 34 yo - character name - open face claim ): is Luka's younger sister, and shares many of the same qualities as him. She is mysterious and manipulative, but almost mute. We see more of her in season 3 where she is involved in a love triangle and gets involved with a teacher. NEW SERIES: In the new series we learn that she managed to get her life together and is soon to be married to Teddy Vargas. 

Poppy Bird ( 35 - 36 yo - character name - open face claim ): Poppy was Ivy’s on and off girlfriend during the first three seasons of the show. She is very carefree and open minded but at the same time very guarded. She had a difficult time coming to terms with her sexuality which was the cause of a lot of drama between her and Ivy. Eventually she accepted who she was and declared her love for Ivy. NEW SERIES: We learn that she has moved away from Madison and is currently living in Arizona. However she comes back for two episodes to tell Ivy that she has a terminal illness. 

Susana Santoro ( 35 - 36 yo - character name - open face claim - POC ): Ivy’s wife. She works as a veterinarian and has three younger sisters. She is very cheerful, caring and incredibly perceptive. She wants to start a family and knows that Ivy has her doubts about it. 

Tommy Mills ( 35 - 36 yo - character name - open face claim ): Evie’s ex husband who works as a bouncer at the local strip club. He comes off as being extremely rude and seems to have a violent streak. We learn that Evie left him because of his constant drinking and cheating, which is ironic considering she is having an affair with a married man.

Sean Michaels ( 35 - 36 yo - character name - open face claim ): Ben’s lover and drug dealer. Definitely a terrible influence in Ben’s life but at the same time he seems to actually care about him. We learn that he has a sick daughter and that he started to deal drugs in order to pay for her treatment.

Other Cast  

There are other characters on the show that have minor roles like Luka’s wife, some friends, enemies, whatever. Let me know if you’re interested in playing a minor role. 

Crew

Executive producer ( s ):

Director (s):

Writer (s):

Casting Director:

Costume Designer (s):

Make up artist (s): Margot Montgomery, Ashley Benson, 29

[sofiacardenas]

— task // 001.

tw: escorting, death, depression, PTSD

MUSE NAME Sofia de Cardenas

HOW DOES YOUR MUSE FEEL IN GENERAL ABOUT THE GOSSIP BLOG? WHAT IS THEIR OPINION OF IT?  Sofia doesn’t think too highly of the gossip blog, or at least that’s what she would say out loud. When it really comes down to it, if something mean enough was said about her she’d probably sit by herself & cry.

WHO DO THEY THINK KILLED DAHLIA? Doesn’t know, doesn’t wanna know. Doesn’t fuck with ghosts.

WHAT IS YOUR MUSE’S BIGGEST SECRET (FROM THE APPLICATION)? PLEASE GIVE US AS MUCH DETAIL AS POSSIBLE. From ages 18-19, Sofia worked secretly as a female escort under a fake name and fake ID claiming she was 21 at the time, all in order to provide for her family. Sometimes the nights would end in sex, sometimes they wouldn’t. She doesn’t give that part of the job a second thought even though she should because escorting blurs a lot of lines between companionship and literal prostitution. 

THE GOSSIP BLOGGERS ARE SUSPECTED TO BE SKILLED HACKERS. IS THERE ANYTHING ON YOUR MUSE’S PHONE, COMPUTER OR SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNTS THAT WOULD REVEAL INFORMATION ABOUT THEIR SECRET? WHAT IS THE DIGITAL TRAIL? Her contact list and finsta DMs, probably. Sofia was really good at using a burner phone to organize her actual rendezvous, but if someone detective-Rue-style looked through her phone, they’d be able to figure it out.

DOES ANYONE ELSE KNOW THEIR SECRET? FAMILY MEMBERS, FRIENDS, ENEMIES? The only other person who knows is her brother.

WHAT WOULD YOUR MUSE DO IF THEIR SECRET WAS EXPOSED ON THE GOSSIP BLOG? WHAT WOULD THE CONSEQUENCES BE? She’d probably skip town for awhile and eventually come back once her mess was handled, but if her parents were to find out they would disown her and her brother if he decided to back her up.

ARE YOU OKAY WITH THEIR SECRET BEING EXPOSED ON THE BLOG? YES.

WHAT ARE SOME OTHER SECRETS/REGRETS THAT THEY MIGHT HAVE? ANYTHING ELSE YOUR MUSE IS HIDING FROM OTHERS? Well she doesn’t like to talk about it; therefore I guess it could be considered a secret but her first and only girlfriend died in a motorcycle crash when they were both 16. She was diagnosed with PTSD / situational depression and put on antidepressants along with therapy sessions twice a week. Sofia stayed in therapy for a year until she was able to get by without it, although when things in life get tough she finds herself needing a session every now and then.

ANYTHING ELSE YOU THINK WE SHOULD KNOW ABOUT YOUR MUSE TO CREATE DRAMA AND CHAOS ON THE GOSSIP BLOG? Hmmm she’s poor? Hence her secret. She’s getting by at Yates on a scholarship as well.

[zombieber-wartooth]

TW: Talk of mensturation, periods, PCOS, that kind of stuff

I hope people won't mind me posting this, nothings been confirmed yet but I'm still nervous. Recently I established with a doctor in town and got on antidepressants (FINALLY, I've only needed them for like 10+ years), and during the appointment she asked about my menstrual health, and when I told her my case she said she would help me look into possibly having PCOS. I got bloodwork done a week later, and finally got the tests back. I don't understand everything, but the office called saying everything looked fine except for the PCOS test, and we'll be talking about it at my next appointment in September where she can refer me to a gynecologist. I've always suspected I might have PCOS, because a lot of the symptoms have fit me, and while I guess I don't have a 100% diagnosis just yet, I was wondering if anyone could give me advice on how to move forward with this, or what to expect from this? I know not everyones cases are the same, but even just a bit of advice would be really appreciated. Thanks all.