#is it normal to feel like shit everyday?
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sketch page from today and cat headphone Neki from a while ago
#kaneki ken#my art#sorry for. not posting ever I draw sometimes I swear#ignore the weird stuff on the sketch page#the bottom right corner is my Kana doll!#it got smudged though#I was in a bit of a mood today#is it normal to feel like shit everyday?#I wish I was like a plant or something#kaneki time
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at first getting diagnosed with cptsd was like, "yay my trauma has been validated (it always was valid)!" and i really thought that was going to be it, but then i started to do research as i do whenever i realize i have something and learned that!! the way i experience socialization is!! quite horrid actually!!
#i have had this stupid fucking rule for myself for years since i was little#''dont speak unless you're spoken to or else something bad will happen. nobody wants to hear what you have to say unless they ask''#I TELL MYSELF THAT ALL THE TIME????#AND I DIDNT REALIZE IT WASNT NORMAL#thats not something that healthy people think to themselves whenever they want to talk to people. they just talk to them#they dont tell themselves not to speak to people for fear of what may happen to them jesus christ spacie#i get so scared when i message anybody ANYTHING#bc everything and anything i wanna talk about feels so stupid why would anyone give a shit#staring at a funny joke i want to send someone for 30 fucking minutes before deleting it b/c my brain is like ''errmm who cares?''#''also they're going to yell at you for wasting their time!!!''#i sent my friend a meme once and had a panic attack (or maybe a flashback?? im still trying to figure out what they are) immediately after#this shit sucks dude. it sucks#at least im processing what happened to me. thats why it hurts so bad rn its been stockpiled for like.#2 decades#im not looking for any sympathy here im just putting it out there#so that anybody who feels the same way i do know they're not alone#ive been struggling everyday for like 2 months now (actually DEFINITELY longer)#it will get better. things just need to be taken one step at a time#i have gotten thru my worst days i have a 100% success rate#how many days have i been alive#7930#lightwork#lets keep it goin#vent#trauma tw#trauma mention#wrote this post thru a flashback btw!! dealing with them is getting easier#before i would be unable to function for days at a time!!!#with one of the most recent ones i had i was so in the thick of it i avoided everyone i knew for a week cuz i was convinced#i was an evil unlovable freak that only wanted to hurt people
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#??????????????????#????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????#i dont know what to doooooooooooo i dont know what to do w my life.....#i dont wanna go to college im way too stupid for that and also its insane like#im scared i dont like anything enough to make it worth it. not even biology#thats like 5 years idk and i fucking hate school.... i think id kill myself if i had to go back to somerhing remotely similar#idk thats scary.....#my plan b was getting a job and i rlly tried but im a pussy . i only started to go out and do stuff like last year. and im an adult !!#i feel like i fucked something up at some point in my life cuz like this is insane#im stuck in limbo. like theres something wrong and its not the autism#bites a cinderblock bites a cinderblock#man im so fucking scared everyday i feel like im going insane . i cant even imagine me doing anything#theres something wrong w me cuz thats like not normal . i dont wanna die in my bed but everything else scares me#fucked up if true#uh#vent#its funny af tagging my posts w vent but i tag them so u can block them or whatever#FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK IF ONLY REDBULL ACTUALLY DID SHIT TO ME . THEN ID BE FIXED#FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKKKKKKKKKKK I JUST WANT AN ENERGY DRINK THAT WORKS PLEASEEEEEEEEEEE PLEASE GOD#PLEASE PEKASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
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"Aaron, when you almost fell on the ice with the Stanley Cup—" "Oh, Jesus..." "It's s—o stupid..." "—I mean. Yo, and it would've been okay, man! Like, you know what? You'd be like, 'Oh! He's one of us!' you know? Did you catch yourself? Did you feel yourself slipping a little bit? I think it's kind-of heavy, right?" "My theory is: that I stepped on, like—one of those confettis, maybe? That fall from the sky. That's my theory. 'Cuz it was just a little slide then I turn and I was fine. Did you see Barky almost fell on the TV camera cord as well? Did you see that?" "Oh, shit." "Yeah, there's so much stuff on the ice..." "It was right after he took it from Gary [Bettman] and he put it up and he—Well, I mean he didn't fall. He didn't come anywhere close to falling 'cuz he's Jesus on the ice... on those edges he's incredible..."
The Cam & Strick Podcast | 7.30.24 (x)
nothing delights me more than ekky getting ribbed for being clumsy and instead of just taking it he has to drag sasha down with him XD like oh? i almost fell WELL DID YOU SEE BARKY—girl PIPE DOWN THIS IS ABOUT YOU BABY. BARKY AINT GOT NOTHIN TO DO WITH THIS.
every angle (x)(x) of the almost ekky spill is so funny man and i love to embarrass this man SO FOR THE FOLKS AT HOME ROLL THE CLIP
i think its soooo funny when he says my theory is the confetti sabotaged me 🤓👌 because if you look at the footage
GIRL WHERE. just admit your ankle got weirdly bendy and screeched in after a hard game it happens to the best of us man
also him throwing sasha under the bus especially because i was like huh? sasha almost tripped over a cord? i definitely wouldve noticed that TRUST ME so i looked at the footage to see what he was talking about....
"did you see barky almost fell on the tv camera cord?" (x)
"did you see that?" yeah. did you. did you see the way he didnt not even move at all when he went past it yeah YEAH (x)
me when i lie and want an excuse to not be the only guy thrown under the bus so i bring up a completely nonconsequential annecdote so i can change the narrative of being the only clumsy guy on the ice despite the fact i very much am, and other such things
"hes jesus on the ice" and other normal things to say about your captain while you smile sweetly and reminisce upon him and his amazing skating abilities
#aaron ekblad#aleksander barkov#florida panthers#i love confronting ekky with his most embarrassing moments#and i think being one of the only guys to almost eat shit with the cup is SO EMBARRASSING#but baby couldnt handle being the only guy to get teased about it he has to involve sasha LMAOOOO#but also him quickly admitting sasha didnt fall at all too#FOLDED SO QUICK HUH#COULDNT EVEN STICK TO YOUR GUNS WHEN YOU THOUGHT ABOUT IT FOR A SECOND LONGER HUH#the lady doth protests too much#its okay he redeems himself by complimenting sasha in such a fashion i just stared at my kitchen tiles for a good minute there#“he didnt come anywhere close to falling cuz hes jesus on the ice... on those edges hes incredible...” is a quote and a half for sure#hey man do you like need a few minutes alone or sumn?#bud you can go take care of that#(insert the tails get trolled meme)#everyday im subjected to the utter insanity that comes out of ekkys mouth and i have to continue living my life like nothing happened#may god help us all#feeling very normal about your captain#sasha love clubs standing chairman
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Smth really interesting about how ‘gay’ is just straight up coming back as an insult so casually and under the radar.
#stupid snake talk#is anybody else seeing this?#is this not worrying for anyone else..?#there’s no explanation for why gay is a negative term except homophobia and yet I feel like everyday I hear ppl use it as an insult 😐#I remeber hearing someone say it last year in school and I was literally so confused#it took time for me to actually process that it was being used as an insult by like.. a ‘normal’ person#like not some raging homophobe like the gay girls at school are saying this shit what’s wrong w/ yall..#like I wouldn’t say we ever went away from men being afraid of being gay especially as a teenager but like it’s so open now#it’s not ‘that was weird’ or ‘woah not like that not like that’ it’s back to just ‘that gay’#ok..!
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Just some more Still Wakes the Deep blah blah, but omg having just been diagnosed Diabetes type 1 myself recently, it makes me only love and feel for Roy 10X more...
This shit is litteraly poison, but so does the food we eat with how much sugar there is in ugh OTL
Never thought in a million year I had DT1, I had 0 symptoms and am in pretty good shape, but then suddenly, organs are starting to hurt really badly out of nowhere...
Don't wait too long poeple and check with your doctors even if there's ''nothing'' T0T and to all Diabetic ppl out there, keep on fighting 💪✨
#random#delete later#first 2 weeks of diagnosis i didn't realized what it meant to live with this#but the 3rd week it really sinked it and i couldn't stop crying everyday#i felt even more like a failure and it made me even more angry that my biological parents left me with that#being adopted i have no medical history and i was already living a quite healthy life style#ofc it could have been even better but now i have to do many extra steps#everything's back to normal now but holy shit that hit me like a truck#plus it was urgent since it had been MONTHS it was left untreated and my family doctor just never told me or bothered to check my blood tes#so ughh idk it sucks with life being already hard as it is#high blood pressure now this... tho theyre probably related#i prepared my bucket list sooo i guess LET'S GO?! jk jk#i'm scared to have a heart attack or stroke in the middle of nowhere where no one i love is around... and that'll be it#but i mean if it happens it happens i guess XD#i'm hopefull now but holy shit... fucking pancreas who just decides to stop working#when you read more about DT1 it just feels like a bad employee who suddenly doesn't want to work anymore#and the good boss cant do anything about it#oh well#as long as i can still create art i'll be fine and happy#diabetic? more like diabethicc
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i think everyone on sunnytwt needs to be sat down so i can explain to them what basic human empathy is. and then maybe i put them in a blender until they agree to write meta about the characters instead of whether or not charlie day got facial reconstruction surgery.
#ada speaks#u do not exist in a vacuum and your words have the capability to harm others#celebrities may not see your tweets but your balding transmasc mutual and your follower who feels self conscious about her nose will#it is fucking bizarre the way these people conduct themselves online#really. really fucking weird man#and then you see them acting like ppl are 'defending rich white men'#instead of taking issue with the actual shit theyre saying#whether or not you think rcg has been 'under the knife' or not#a) how is this any of your business. you are not entitled to this info nor do you have a free pass to criticize someone's personal choice#b) ask yourself why you feel you need to critique alleged surgeries and how they stack up to imposed conventional beauty standards#c) you do not *own* them. you can have opinions on your own attraction to them but#a person getting plastic surgery or hair plugs or whatever is up to them. not you. if it helps to make them feel better then who cares.#just because it doesn't make them attractive to YOU doesn't mean its okay to point and laugh#if a trans guy got top surgery and it was 'botched' would you act like they were stupid for getting it in the first place?#if a trans woman decided she wanted to surgically shave her jaw would you shame her for that?#it's their body. it's not yours.#for the record i don't believe any of them have gotten work done but think its a stupid thing to speculate on regardless#ive watched family members go through plastic surgeries of varying success. ive seen them get botox and hair plugs and everything#normal everyday people do it and it's not always about vanity#it can be for gender reaffirming reasons (and yes this includes when cis people do it) to alleviate dysphoria#trying to point out alleged surgical alterations made is just. gross#not to mention that holy shit MOST of the shit ppl are saying is like. age. different hairstyles. different facial expressions.#maybe if these people actually watched the show theyd be able to see the gang in action instead of staring at pics like spot the difference
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The rotation of Christmas music that plays in the store I work at includes the following:
Any version of “Last Christmas” you could think of and then some, EXCEPT Wham’s
Various people trying to come up with weird new verses to “Jingle Bells”
Joey Ramone’s cover of “What a Wonderful World”
This one cover of “Do You Want To Build a Snowman” that’s sung in like. That specific really breathy way that pop singers do Christmas songs sometimes y’know?
The song from the Victorious Christmas episode
Three songs from the Phineas and Ferb Christmas special
“I Have a Dream” by ABBA except not the ABBA version
- DO YOU REMEMBER THE 25TH NIGHT OF DECEMBER
#there’s also a kind of bizarre country duet cover of let it go#but that one’s in the Normal Everyday music rotation#which is more forgivable to me tbh bc i don’t get people trying to push frozen as a christmassy movie#it is SUMMER in frozen. it being snowy and shit is ACTIVELY A PROBLEM#there’s a couple other pop versions of Disney songs in the normal mix too#anyway#i THINK they might have played hallelujah last year a couple times but I haven’t heard it this year so that’s a win lmao#they also start playing the xmas music literally the day after halloween#but then also it stops the day after xmas instead of dragging into the first week of january or w/e#which I’m sure is a relief for most ppl#I’m the rare retail worker who doesn’t mind/actively enjoys hearing this much xmas music#but some of these choices … bizarre#it’s interesting working at like. a b- or c-list box store#bc I’m assuming it’s harder to get the rights or the budget for certain things the big Big stores do#so we get slightly-off parallel dimension shit like this lmao#inklings#christmas#i feel like the ‘they don’t know X’ meme of the guy at the party also bc I bet most normies don’t recognize the#2000s childrens tv special songs.#and just think it’s some pop bs that never became A Classic#if they’re not tuning it out completely#Christmas Is Starting Now is an absolute banger I’ll have you know.
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billions also comedy gold presenting winston as a scapegoat for abuse culture fans when it's like but hey it can't be actual scapegoating if you Enjoy It or consider it Justified or experience Reassurance from Its Opportunity For A Group Cohesion Substitute For A Cohesion Based On An Inherent Equal Degree Of Belonging, The Absence Of Which Allows For, Encourages, Reinforces, & Rewards Scapegoating
it can't be Bullying if someone's Weird or you Just Don't Personally Like Them or Nobody's Actually Stopping You, Maybe At Least If They Don't See Too Much Of It, Maybe Others Are Supporting It
it can't be Abuse if you're just doing things Normally or are Following Rules or Aren't Feeling Malicious And Aren't Getting Divine Revelations Otherwise and probably it's just that a lot of abnormal people are being whiny &/or unfair &/or the Real malicious ones. kinda just like how that scapegoat is the real person ruining everything and really just forcing you to treat them like this
#might note hardly limited to billions; the series doing bog standard suffocatingly common [Being Normal can't be abusive] replication#nor is their Unaware Replication Of [it can't be ableist if i'm not reacting to ppl who walked up & said Hi I'm Autistic]#well abuse & traumatic treatment can't be Everywhere. like how umm sexism can't be everywhere. neither can white supremacy. ableism. cmon.#oh please not everything can be political. Just Be Normal. which makes it ''apolitical.''#now we all agree abuse can't ever be made palatable; insulated; easy. now ppl doing it never said it wasn't That bad.#if they did they must have been maliciously lying. whereas when i say it can't have been That bad; i mean it :)#and if that person says it was; well they must be lying. or clueless. or a pussy. or scheming to destroy me. Must be. Gotta#& we wouldn't be able to look around & see contexts of imbalance. who's vulnerable. who's life gets smaller. who's supported automatically#who's supported if someone even posits they May have done anything like No; Impossible; now instantly definitely get their ass#you can just go on all day about the ''um i'm just the Realistic Normality vessel'' arguments made boundlessly in bad faith#being like ohh Everyday Interactions / ''Normal'' Semi/Public Situations Can't Be Uncomfortable Imbalanced Dangerous Abusive....#if they are that must be So Rare & created only by Rare Bad Actors with Malicious Mens Rea (itself a great concept to make any act Okay)#something framed as Extreme must be an outlier. could never be part of everyone's everyday life & some much more than others.#could never be what's defined as Normal (associated with Superiority) like how Abuse can't be shit i'd think of as Normal#like how damn if ya don't just wanna kill the autistic coworker and everyone agrees & would clap & cheer if you did And That's Great#you'd have to feel Weird / Abnormal about it! b/c Weirdness & Abnormality is what's bad!#like the autism or the cptsd (the Real abuse can only be: inflicting the existence of a victim's survival skills on Superior Normals)#or whatever else gets pathologized with Polite ABA arguments about how it's not ''social skills'' so hide it or suffer the consequences#winston billions#having that perspective too like oh [our blessed successful conformity] [their barbaric xyz Issues]#if the best you can argue for or against smthing is as Normal or Weird respectively like. no. what's behind that door#the authority figure/s who must be supported lest this all crumble. vs the ruinerrrrrr#billions recognizing winston & tuk the next most shitted on would probably get along & have a mutually supportive friendship#billions also recognizing that mutual support better not be Allowed to get that far. lest this all crumble#like look see we Knew it. we knew the bottom tier ppl who don't really belong in the group who we bully & scapegoat are Always Ruining It.
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graaaa being weird in public sorry (on my own blog) teehee
#vent#RAAAAAA does anybodybelse like . Hate a lot of mundane shit in fiction . like just characters being friends or like going to a cafe or like#idk like. going to clothing stores. because i literally cannot do any of that#not even disabled.i just dont have the social skills or confidence or energy every day to do anyrhing outside of my room besides going to#classes. anyway im think about this rlly hard because i read a really normal dbz fic and felt very Othered#LIKE in fiction you dont often see ppl doing everyday stuff. you only see major plot points or fightihg or training or romance or whatever.#its already Out There types of things that ppl dont really do unless they are a main protagonist#as soon as thta character becomes Yeah this is Jessica from my ENG101 class i suddenly feel totally wholly ostracized#imo one of the biggest important things about lit is reading experiences you cant relate to in order to learn and expand your horizons but#but fic isNot lit & i only see 'normal' portrayed in fic because its self indulgent for the author & therefore i see 'normal' as a fic#trope that solely exists to make me feel like a caged animal#i cant even relate to queer experiences because of how deeply closted i am and how ive never ever irl been in a community like that#Rrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa#its not like i even WANT to see fic that verbatim recounts my edgy loner isolated lifestyle. Just stop with the starbucks or quaint#breakfast scenes PLEASE#It hurtsowww Nobody tells you this but pain actually really hurts. and everytime you write 'normal' another bunny/kitty is turned intosyrup
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news about aida
Hey guys I'm kinda going through some shit mentally and I'm probably going to be significantly less active than usual. Some of you may have already noticed my decline in activity, some may have not, but I guess I'll be going on a semi-hiatus until... date to be determined :)
Feel free to reach out and talk to me on Discord, but you've been warned, I'm not always online there.
I love you all so so much and I'll be thinking of you guys while I'm away :))
#i will be popping in on a daily basis#but i wont have tumblr open all day everyday like i normally do#i'd probably only check during lunch break and after school#i just need to get my grades back up and to get my shit together#im really processing a lot of trauma and grief atm and i've been ignoring it by distracting myself#but not dealing with it#i'm starting edmr therapy soon#and i feel like it would be better if i didn't have as many distractions in my life right now#im gonna try and fix my sleep schedule#and work on fixing myself up#so yeah#i love you guys so much#<333
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Rottting.
#just slowly rotting away#definitely not living#not even sure if i qualify as existing either#kinda more like im just sorta here or sorta there sometimes#usually wishing i didnt have all this human shit to do thats just a normal everyday part of life#i really dont know how others do it#i get exhausted at the mere thought of what it takes to be a person every.fucking.day.#most recently ive been really wishing i didnt have to experience consciousness or a body#being aware fucks with me .HARD.#and my body is disgusting#i do feel like i have to state quickly that i dont necessarily feel that way about all bodies tho i do think the inner working#*workings of it are or can be completely horrifying if you t#*were to think about that kinda shit as much as i do for whatever reason that i do#pardon all the typos too#fucking mobile
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wakes up for real, checks twitter, sees all the artists i follow on twt get accepted to the zine i was rejected by, started crying again
#normally shit like this doesnt be but i havent been feeling emotionally ok#for the past week or 2#just sucks to see yoursel get rejected from a project that is about the character you draw everyday#people always have good thing to say about my work but its not pretty anime looking artstyle number 48329048392#so i never get accepted to these projects#its been like at least 15+ zines ive applied to the past year and. nothing#yappin
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#alright these tags are super embarrassing but i needed to rant publicly so uh. you can read this but please don't perceive me too much#it is so fucking exhausting having nobody to share my life with#i have literally zero friends at this point bc ever since my grandpa died i've pretty much stopped trying to keep in touch with my hometown#friends and i cut off my 'friend' group that were racist assholes who treated me like a doormat back in october and haven't really made any#close friends at college since. and i just fucking hate that this is the same way i've felt for so many fucking years like you'd think it#would be bearable at this point and i'd be used to being alone and for a while i honestly was but it just hit me tonight how fucking lonely#i am and how tomorrow i have to keep on just doing the shit i have to do in life without anyone to talk to and share it with#other than my mom who's been pissing me off lately so i've been pushing her away too!#it's so tiring to have to go out and do things and have responsibilities everyday and not being able to share that with anyone idk it makes#it feel almost like i'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders which is SO dramatic i know#like today i wanted to talk about the stupid false alarm gas leak thing with my sort of friends in this club i'm in but i didn't get to talk#to anyone at the meeting bc everyone was just talking amongst themselves in their little groups of best friends and it just reminded me that#i don't have that and i've never fucking had that i've only ever pretended i had that#it's like all these years i've been pretending to be a person that has friends and knows how to live life normally but i never have#more than anything i just miss my friends from home bc they're the closest i've ever felt to having friends that are like family but. i#don't know how to talk to them anymore. i didn't tell any of them when my grandpa died and i think they just assumed that i've moved on so#they've probably moved on and i already know that they have their own lives and friends at their schools that are a lot more full than mine#wanna know the worst part about all of this? i just had therapy and basically told her everything's fine#and i won't meet with her again until 3 weeks from now so literally the only person i can talk to about this right now is my mom#which i am absolutely not gonna do bc she's gonna get so scared and worried for me and i can't have that rn#anyways yeah. this isn't even that big of a deal like i haven't had friends for at least the past 6 months it's not like anything's changed#i just feel extra sad about it right now. i need a distraction stat gonna go watch watch some tv goodnight#shut up hanna
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in finland our biggest pride event canceled their partnership with our biggest political party because the party hadn't voted in agreement about our new trans law (to allow self-ID and remove requirement of being sterile (yeah really)) (the party had ruled it a “matter of conscience” and abt 1/3 voted against), and now our news are full of the members of that party being pissed abt it and our likely next prime minister commenting how this is “sad and offends many people”, and ppl are flocking to lament and mock how pride is so intolerable and how u have to have 100% correct opinions in order to participate and i'm
#rat.pov#i KNOW cis ppl who don't care really don't care and can't even pretend to care but somehow it still shocks me how unbelievable this shit is#they're literally like#''OH SO WE AS A PARTY HAD TO BE unanimously against forced sterilisation to be welcomed to your lil gay festival?? you ungrateful shits''#NBSFBEJFBEHJBHRNJETNJRMGNRGRGNERM#THEY DON'T EVEN GET THE ABSURDITY OF WHAT THEY'RE SAYING#some MPs of the party have literally said they won't now attend pride because of this#ok that's cool really don't care except that#yes we know you really Really REALLY don't care abt human rights but could you at least think of a less ridiculous way to announce it#can you imagine your members voting against our human rights might also have offended some people CAN YOU IMAGINE H BHBHRH#(they can't bc ppls brain are full of ''this is not an issue that touches normal real life people'' and ''your everyday person doesn't#even understand trans issues''. if only trans people were real everyday people :/)#also the future prime minister just said ''this is very sad and it does feel like a political move instead of an appropriate one''#??????????????????? i'm at a loss#what the fuck do you even mean.#how. HOW do you expect politics to not be political what the. fUCK is wrong with you grow a GODDAMN BRAIN?#and ppl in general like ''oh so pride is full on political now''#I'M BEGGING YOU.WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN WHAT HAS IT EVER BEEN EXCEPT POLITICAL#i know people think it's a funny gay carnival just to piss off straights and conservative christians but I WISH I COULD LAUGH.#it would be funny if it was#.#sorry to rant on side but i had to scream into a void somewhere
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today I woke up and I was not late and lot super sleepy and I'm absolutely confused by this
was it... was it the pain meds I took before sleep? or the white noise my phone was playing? or the heat packs on my shoulders? or just dumb luck???
#actually adhd#i went to sleep like 3am and woke up like 9am and this is NOT normal I usually wake up feeling like shit#wtf how do I repeat this everyday??
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