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theintrovertbean · 9 months ago

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I hope y'all like long chapters and angst because I outdid myself with this one.

Word count: ~4.8k (yes, I'm crazy)

Warning: there are mentions of blood and death. Only in a metaphorical sense, but I'd rather include a warning.

And for anyone who thinks Dara is a bitch. I know. I wanted them to be. Hurt people can be like this sometimes. No, they won't be like this for much longer. They're just ✨sulking✨but they're gonna turn into a huge simp soon (probably next chapter.) Pinky promise.

Wounds of Magic, Scars of Love (Nadia x Dara) Chapter 2

Dara poured themselves another drink. It had been a while since they felt sorrow as deep and heart-wrenching as they did at that moment. They leaned back in their chair and gazed at the glass of red wine on their table, pondering whether they should drink it or not. They certainly ought not to, but what else could one do when in such excruciating pain? Even if only for the moment, the delicious burn would help ease the pain. Nadia would drink it. Dara smiled. Oh yes, she would drink it. In the past, they used to detest the idea of the Countess drowning her feelings in wine.

It’s just not a healthy habit.

But it was nothing more than a memory. There was a time when they thought Nadia would be gone forever. When there was no solution, no cure that would bring Nadia back from her coma, Dara lost all hope. Or when Dara found her lying on the cold tiles of her bedroom, already asleep.

I thought she was dead.

The pain, oh, the pain they felt was piercing through their heart like an arrow. They screamed, they cried, tears streamed down their face as they held her lifeless body close to their own and begged her for forgiveness.

Please, just come back.

And when Nadia woke up, Dara waited for her. Despite everything that happened, there was a small glimpse in their heart, a feeling of hope that Nadia would come back to them. And she did. Nadia was back.

Only she was a few months late and she would not have come to Dara had she not needed them.

But they perished the thought. They had a job to do. Attempting to clear their senses, Dara stood from their desk where Nadia had left them hours ago. They made their way up to the living quarters and when they fell face-first onto their bed, they cursed to themselves in a language that an average Vesuvian would not understand. There was no remaining strength in their body, but they knew they had to get up. It was already dawn and they had to hurry if they wanted to make it to the Palace before the sun went down.

Dara slid down from the bed and landed on their knees. “Ugh,” They made a tired sound as their eyes searched the room, trying to comprehend where they were and what was going on. They raised their hands and looked at them both, then they attempted to push a finger through their palm. Only it did not go through. “Okay, so this is reality. Fucking great.”

With a tired sigh, they stood from the floor and dragged themselves to the nearby closet. For a moment, Dara wondered what they should wear for such an event and eventually settled for something comfortable for travel and elegant enough for whatever Nadia had planned for them. After all, they cannot show up at the palace looking like a commoner. They left the last few buttons of the shirt unbuttoned, exposing a bit of Dara’s chest that allowed a small peak at their tattoo.

Then Dara filled a small bag with items they deemed necessary: healing potions, protective charms, ingredients, and some crystals. The truth was that they did not really know what else to pack. Nadia did not say what would be their job or how long they would have to stay, so Dara hoped that the palace was well-equipped enough.

Or maybe it was not Dara’s skills that Nadia needed. The thought briefly crossed their mind. What if Nadia was just looking for a way to get Dara to the palace? Well, there was only one way to find out, but the what ifs kept reappearing in the magician’s mind.

So Dara picked up their bag and left the shop, but not without casting a protection spell. Then it was time to leave and face one of their greatest fears: Countess Nadia. But Dara knew about one thing. It was something that took them years to understand despite being present throughout their entire life. It was the connection between fear and desire.

Perhaps a part of Dara longed to go to the Palace. Maybe they wanted to meet Nadia again, maybe they craved this pain and tried to convince themselves that Nadia, like an ethereal goddess, would rid them of it. Was it foolish if Dara hoped that they could rekindle their relationship? Or was it not worth it? Was it completely lost?

How pathetic would it be if Dara fell onto their knees in front of Nadia as soon as she said the word?

Very.

Dara felt ashamed of even playing with the idea.

As the magician walked through Vesuvia toward the Palace, the people looked at them and some even smiled. Everyone had at least heard of Dara, the former Court Magician who worked tirelessly to save lives when the plague was raging in the city. Well, their efforts were mostly in vain, but they did try, which could not be said about Count Lucio and his Court.

“Dara!” They suddenly heard their name and turned to face the person who called out for them. “Where are you going all dressed up?” It was no one else but Selasi, Dara’s favorite baker in all of Vesuvia.

The magician smiled, knowing the nature of Vesuvians. If they spilled the truth now, people might misinterpret their words and start talking. Again. “Well, wouldn’t you like to know?”

“People say that they saw the Countess’ carriage at your shop last. Is that true? Was she visiting you?”

“My lips are sealed, Selasi. Besides, there’s only one thing in Vesuvia that spreads faster than the plague did. You’ll know everything by tomorrow morning.”

“Ahh, but the wait,” The baker complained, but despite his dissatisfaction, Dara could not afford another gossip about them and the Countess. It would be too much for their heart.

“Patience, my dear friend.” In the meantime, the magician picked a fresh loaf of bread and tossed a few coins to Selasi. “You can pass the time by baking some of that delicious pumpkin bread of yours.” They quickly tore off a small piece of the baked good and took a bite. That loaf of bread was probably the best thing that would happen to them the entire week.

“Which is what I do all day, every day.”

“And I suggest you stick to doing that. Anyway, I must go now. Wouldn’t want to keep the Countess waiting.”

When Dara turned away to leave, they heard the baker say, “So it was her!” And it made them chuckle as they walked away.

They walked through the Vesuvian marketplace which was busy and filled with life as always. Dara was never a big fan of marketplaces, but this was far preferable to plague hospitals and empty stalls.

As the magician climbed the stairs leading to the palace, a fortune teller booth caught their eyes. “Lucky numbers, check. Groceries-” Dara failed to notice a patron backing into them until they crashed into each other.

Dara did not stumble and mentally thanked themselves for having such a solid build, but the basket on the tiny stranger’s hip spilled an unusual amount of pomegranates onto the stairs.

“Oh perfect! As if I wasn’t already late,” The stranger said as she knelt down to collect the fruits. Instantly, Dara crouched down to help her and as the magician handed them a few pomegranates, she smiled sweetly at them. “Ooh thank you! How sweet of you to help. And after I bumped into you in the first place.”

“I’m not entirely innocent either. I could’ve paid more attention. I’m sorry about the fruits. Clumsiness runs in the family,” Dara told the stranger and continued to help her collect the rest of the fruits. They looked a little bruised, but it was nothing to worry about.

“Are we related by any chance? Clumsy is my middle name,” Giggled the stranger and Dara returned the last pomegranate to her with a small, polite smile.

“I would be very surprised if we were.”

“A shame. Sometimes I could use some of your big boy genes.”

With a laugh, Dara extended an arm to her, offering a handshake. “My name is Dara.”

The stranger took it, squeezing Dara’s hand back with her own calloused ones. “Dara. Oh, Dara! Wait, wait! I know you!” A wave of surprise washed over her face and Dara felt at loss, unsure who the kind stranger might be. “You’re the magician Countess Nadia invited to the palace! She said we were expecting you.”

“Well, I’m afraid there is no other magician named Dara in Vesuvia.” And they felt somewhat thankful about that because two Daras would turn this cursed city upside down. “So, yes, that would be me. And you are?”

“You can call me Portia. I’m Milady's head servant.” Her name sounded familiar. Knowing how things were in Vesuvia, Dara probably heard it through gossip. “Well, how lucky were we?” Portia asked with a smile on her face. “Come on, I’ll show you the quickest path to the palace.” Not like Dara was unfamiliar with it, but they thought it might be best to keep this secret for a little longer.

Together, they climbed the stairs leading up to the Vesuvian palace, which filled the magician with a sense of nostalgia. For months, they walked those stairs every single day, desperately searching for a cure that would free Vesuvia of the red plague.

“Dara…” After a while, Portia began talking. “I’m glad you’re here. The Countess could use some good help.”

“She surely could.” But why did it have to be them? Surely, Nadia could hire any professional inside or outside of Vesuvia if she needed someone to assist her. So why Dara? There had to be some other reason because this made absolutely zero sense and Dara was quite sure that Nadia did not want to talk about their past relationship either. If all she wanted to do was to have a chat, she could have done it the night before. “The whole city is a mess right now.”

“Is it? I heard that some places are in pretty rough shape.”

“They are. The lower you go, the worse it gets,” The magician informed the head servant. There was an entire district that got destroyed by the flood and a lot of people were struggling to make ends meet. Beggars had become a common sign on the streets of Vesuvia. Of course, the nobles and the wealthier citizens cared very little about it, much to Dara’s displeasure.

For a moment, Portia seemed saddened by Dara’s words, but then she looked at them with a smile on her face, a glimpse of hope shining in her eyes. “You look like the good sort to me.”

Dara chuckled, amused by Portia’s attitude. Such positivity was a rare but welcome delight nowadays. “Do I? I’ve heard some… interesting rumors about myself.” From being the Countess’ lover to being a vampire. Sometimes Vesuvians came up with the most absurd things just for the sake of gossiping and Dara only found them entertaining until those tales began to include them too.

“But they’re only rumors, aren’t they?”

“Curiosity killed the cat. So who knows, I might be a vampire.”

Portia laughed and Dara had a feeling that the two of them would get along. “Well, they did say that you’re the mysterious type, so I guess that one is spot on. Is it also true that you helped during the plague?”

“I did. Those were some difficult times.” Memories of pain and death filled the magician’s mind. Most Vesuvians preferred not to talk about the plague, but the lingering sense of doom was still present in their hearts. In Dara’s too. They remembered everything that happened and sometimes they wished there was a way that would help them forget. “I’d prefer not to go into great detail, but I can tell you that the plague affected folks in more ways than one. We were all desperate and acting in ways that were unlike us.”

“I wasn’t in Vesuvia yet when it happened.” Dara envied her for that, but when the plague came, they could not ignore it. All that suffering, all that horror made them feel desperate to do something, anything that could help.

“Trust me, Portia, it’s for the best because people were dropping like flies. Old and young, sick and healthy, rich and poor. The plague spared no one and it was not a pretty sight. Even the late Count had it.”

In the meantime, they reached the palace gates. It was already late afternoon, and Dara’s stomach was rumbling with hunger. A gate of twisted iron towered in front of Portia and Dara, with a guard standing on each side. When they saw Portia, they lowered their weapons, but raised them again as soon as their eyes landed on the magician.

“What are you doing?” The servant asked with concern in her voice. “This is Dara. They’ll be staying as our guest.”

“Ludovico, Bludmilla. It’s good to see you again.” Dara nodded towards them, a cheeky smile gracing their face. It seemed like they had met before.

“What is the witch doing here?” Ludovico asked, gripping his sword tightly, but Dara could see the slight tremble of fear that cursed through his body. The poor fool.

“Careful now,” Bludmilla said between gritted teeth. “We’re not above violence…or torture.”

Gulping in nervousness, but not because of the threat, Dara turned toward Portia. “There was a little…incident some time ago.” Then they looked at the guards, hoping they would accept the olive branch Dara was extending to them. “Relax, I’m not here to hurt you. I have come at the request of the Countess.”

“I can confirm,” Portia stepped in, giving the guards an annoyed look. It appeared that she was unaware of what happened in the past, which made the magician feel slightly more at ease. “Dara was invited by Milady and I doubt that she’ll be happy to hear about you two threatening her guest.”

Wordlessly and with hesitance, but the guards opened the vast gates, allowing Portia and Dara to enter. For a moment that was filled with awkwardness, they did not talk. Dara just stared ahead of themselves, right at the marvelous Vesuvian Palace, wondering what was awaiting them. They suspected that it would be nothing good, but if the worst happened, Dara could always find a way to escape and never return.

“Sooo…” Dara jumped a little when Portia broke the silence. They were just about to reach the Palace entrance. “What did you mean by incident? What did you do to them?”

The magician shrugged and swung their fist against the door with a suspicious amount of familiarity. “Nothing that didn’t heal within eight days.”

Portia raised her eyebrows and gave Dara a questioning look while the door opened and they both entered. It felt strange to be back and Dara could not help but wish they had refused Nadia’s proposal. They looked around, their eyes tracing the polished walls and tiles but in the meantime they did not notice their own steps slowing down. Everything looked just like the last time Dara was here. Well, except the Masquerade decorations and Lucio’s overwhelming amount of portraits.

“Come on, Dara, make haste. We don’t want to keep the Countess waiting,” Portia said while tugging on Dara’s shirt gently, leading them further into the Palace.

A servant with a blue-feathered cap emerged from the hallways and then bowed to Dara. “It is good to see you again, Magician Dara.” Then they rushed to Portia’s side, who appeared quite surprised by how many people seemed to know them. The magician only feared the questions that Portia would ask about the past later.

“Chamberlain. How are we doing on time?” The head servant asked.

“Impeccable timing! The first course will be served shortly. Her ladyship has yet to descend.”

Portia sighed in relief as she handed off the fruit basket. “Perfect. Tell the kitchen that our guest has arrived.”

The Chamberlain left with a curtsy, disappearing behind a panel in the wall.

“I’ll show you to the dining room. Her ladyship will be there soon.” But Dara almost froze at Portia’s words and she could sense that something was wrong. “What? Don’t tell me you thought we wouldn’t feed you!”

Portia led Dara to a fine mahogany door at the end of a hallway, but the magician still hesitated. “Are you sure?” Dara asked. ”The Countess and I are…not exactly on good terms.”

“Jeez, what the hell did you do? First the guards and now the Countess?”

But instead of answering Portia’s question, Dara decided to quickly slip into the dining room. Before them stood a table with various delicacies piled up on it and the sight alone made their mouth water and their stomach rumble. “Isn’t that a bit too much food for two?” Dara asked while the head servant pulled out a chair for them, gesturing for the magician to sit.

As Dara approached the table and sat down on the chair, their eyes got caught on a painting. Heads of animals and in the middle stood a figure of a goat, like a sort of provider, a savior.

They had seen it before, many times when they dined here as the Court Magician. However, something about it felt different. Those deep red eyes were hypnotizing, beckoning Dara to keep looking, to stay, to abandon all thought and let the painting corrupt them.

“Welcome, Dara. I see you are admiring the painting,” Nadia’s silk voice echoed through the dining room, causing Dara to tear their gaze away from the painting. They quickly stood from their seat to greet the Countess with a polite bow, then they both sat down as Nadia took her seat at the head of the table.

“Admiring is a strong word,” Dara told her. They noticed that Nadia’s lips curled into a small smile, and Dara wondered why. It appeared she was happy to see them, but Dara could not bring themselves to appreciate it. It was still painful to even look at her and they failed to understand the amusement in her gaze. Did she enjoy it? Was she preying on their hurt?

No, that was unlike her.

But it had been three years. A lot of things could have happened during that time. Well, Nadia spent the vast majority of it asleep, lost in a deep coma, but people change and life was not going to make an exception out of Nadia just because of her two beautiful eyes.

“Do you not like it, then? The painting?” The Countess asked, still smiling at the sulking magician. Dara had a feeling that she was trying to be nice and polite, but they just wished that she would get straight to the point already.

“It’s distastefully egoistical.” In the meantime, the two of them began eating.

“Such honesty!” The Countess laughed, but the magician’s face remained neutral. They were not in the mood for friendliness and lighthearted jokes, which Nadia quickly noticed and cleared her throat. “I suppose that is a fair way of putting it. I must confess that I do not like it either. So why does it remain on the wall, you may ask? Sentimental value, I suppose. It was one of my husband’s favorites.”

Ahh, yes. Count Lucio. Dara was more than familiar with the late ruler of Vesuvia. They were his Court Magician for a time, after all. Dara knew him as a selfish man who’s only worse trait other than his fashion sense was his ability to lead.

But Dara knew Nadia even better. The magician can still remember all the nights they spent with the Countess talking about anything and everything. Which often included complaining about Lucio as not only a leader, but as a husband too. Dara knew well that Nadia hated Lucio, that she wished for a way to escape her marriage. It was only her pride and the desire to help that made her stay. If Dara asked her while they still could, would she have run away with them?

Because of that, a strange feeling arose in Dara’s chest. This behavior was unlike Nadia, so they asked her, “Since when do you care?”

“Pardon me?”

“Since when do you care about what was Lucio’s favorite? That man was an ass and he brought you nothing but pain. I see no point in keeping that painting just because he liked it. That’s exactly why you should just throw it onto the fire and watch it burn.” Dara knew very little about how the Count died. They were present at the Masquerade, yes, but when the supposed murder happened, the magician was with the Countess in her chambers. The more Dara thought about it, the more they realized that perhaps it was not so surprising that the Vesuvians gossiped about them.

“Yes, well.” She cleared her throat while looking away in visible embarrassment. “I suppose you’d know. But now that you’re here…”

“Excuse me, Countess, but what does any of this have to do with me? Surely, you didn’t ask me to come here just to chit-chat about your late husband.”

“I know how fondly the people of this city remember the Count’s Masquerade. Did you ever attend it, Dara?” The Countess asked with a smile, but it quickly faded because of the mixture of horror and confusion she witnessed on Dara’s face.

It stunned them and pierced through their heart like a hail of arrows. Did she not remember? Surely, she would not forget. “I…” Dara tried to put together a coherent answer, but they simply did not understand. What on earth was going on? “I even danced with you. We spent the last Masquerade together.” Their voice sounded a little softer this time, not offended, but hurt, betrayed. Everything that happened between the Countess and the magician, was it so unimportant? Was it all meaningless to her? To Dara, those few months they shared with Nadia were the most wonderful time of their life, but if she did not feel the same way, that would be like sentencing the magician to death itself.

The people of Vesuvia often spoke fondly of the annual Masquerade, but for Dara, it was a bitter, haunting memory. The last one brought them nothing but pain and emptiness because that night, they did not only lose Nadia, but also a part of themselves. It was like someone dug their claws deep into their chest and ripped their heart out. In its place remained nothing but a hole, an empty gap of nothingness that Dara was desperately trying to fill. But without Nadia to mend that festering wound, nothing felt ever good enough. Every last ounce of joy was taken from them, just like Nadia was and without someone to hold and share everything with, life itself became meaningless.

And a life without Nadia was not worth living. Even the thought that she was alive, that she woke up from her coma and that she lived was enough to keep Dara going.

“Yes, of course. How could I forget?” Her cheeks flushed red and Dara could only wonder why Nadia could not recall the unforgettable events. Perhaps she hit her head when she fell into her coma? Or could it be something else? Either way, she owed them an explanation, no matter how hard she tried to divert the conversation.

“Dara, the Masquerade is precisely why I called you here. This year, I intend to hold it once more.” Dara gave the Countess a surprised look and so did every servant in the room. Since the last Masquerade went horribly wrong, Dara thought that organizing such an event again would lead to nothing but another disaster. “The festivities in Lucio’s honor will be more fantastical than ever. There is but one loose end in need of tying. Count Lucio’s murderer still roams free to this day. Doctor Julian Devorak, my husband’s former physician.”

Dara felt cold all over and they looked down at their plate, no longer plagued by hunger. The night Lucio died, Dara was thrown into the dungeons, chained up, facing Julian’s cell. They knew him, not as well as they knew the Countess, but Dara was familiar with the doctor. A few times they worked together during the plague and they even spent some time as friends. There was no way Julian killed Lucio.

“Doctor Devorak confessed to the crime when we caught him,” Nadia continued. “All that is left is his sentence. Execution by hanging.”

There was a sudden, loud crash and when Dara looked to see where it came from, all they saw was Portia’s horrified face. At her feet two broken plates and what the magician assumed was the intended dessert.

“Portia?” The Countess gave the servant a questioning look.

“F-forgive me, Milady. Slippery hands.”

“You are forgiven.” Despite the pardon, Dara could see a flash of something in Nadia’s eyes. Suspicion? Anger. They could not tell, but Nadia was certainly putting together a puzzle in her head. “This is where you come in, Dara. Doctor Devorak has been very elusive. But you have quite the reputation. Rumor has it that you are one of the greatest magicians in Vesuvia. I myself see the future, in dreams, whether I like it or not. And this is how I know that you are the one who will find Doctor Devorak…”

“What if I say no?” The magician asked. “Lucio is dead and finding his murder won’t bring him back. Besides, I doubt that there’s anyone in Vesuvia who truly misses him. Yourself included.”

“Then I must ask you to reconsider, Dara. Perhaps you misunderstand me. I do not relish executing the doctor, but justice must be served. Not only for the Count, but for the city. When we find him, we will bring him before the people, so that all may see his long-awaited punishment. And so, to commence the festivities…The doctor will die on the gallows for his terrible crime.”

Dara looked up from their plate and for a moment, jade eyes met ruby ones. Nadia’s gaze was like an ocean of thick, warm blood, overpowering in its intensity. Every glance was suffocating, drowning them in that sweet, dark warmth. Yet, Dara could not help but yearn for her embrace, to be gently, lovingly plunged down into their inevitable doom.

Was it wrong to feel this way? Yes, it certainly was. But that ocean of blood that suffocated Dara and plunged them down into darkness was also the sweetest of red wines. The magician was a tower of anger, the embodiment of hurt and denial that stood proud above all. And Nadia was like a gruesome death, the blood that swept through Dara’s walls of cold, crumbling stone.

But good red wine stains and so does blood. And just like that, Dara’s heart was stained too. Stained by an attraction they once felt, by feelings that despite begging themselves to stop this madness, still refuse to go away. And the sad part was that no action, not even the darkest magic could ever wash it out.

Dara felt lost in Nadia’s eyes and if it wasn’t for her looking away, the magician feared they would have been stuck staring at her forever. “Portia,” The Countess called out for the head servant, but she did not react. “...Portia.”

“Yes, Milady!” Portia finally answered.

“Show Dara to the guest quarters,” The Countess gave the order with a deep blush on her face, presumably overwhelmed by Dara’s earlier stare. It was for the best that she ended the dinner right then and there because the magician would have certainly continued to embarrass themselves.

“Right away, Milady.”

Portia pulled Dara to their feet, and with a humble bow and a surprising amount of strength, whisked them to the door. She remained oddly quiet while leading the magician to their room and as much as Dara hated the awkwardness, they did not think that Portia, or anyone, would appreciate their consolation.

Upon entering the room, Portia said a few sentences to the magician, but she avoided looking into their eyes. “This will be your room, Dara. You can put your things wherever you like. Breakfast is at sunrise… I’ll wake you.”

Something in Dara’s heart urged them to say something, to ask Portia if she was okay. But they were strangers and Dara was not exactly known for being the bravest, most sociable person. So they let her go, into the night, and the magician was now alone in this marvelous palace with a grim history and a future that promised them nothing but darkness.

#nadia satrinava #countess nadia #the arcana nadia #nadia the arcana #the arcana #arcana nadia #nadia arcana #arcana #nadia x mc #nadia x apprentice #nadia x dara #dara the oc #oc dara

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pinkykats-place · 2 years ago

Text

BakuDeku angst w/ happy ending

Aged Up AU

AO3 Fanfic Recommendations

Disclaimers!

None of the stories linked below are mine.

Most are SFW … check tags.

Gif not mine - created by @fiery-lune

Note: if you read any of these stories and like them, please leave a kudos and/or comment for author!

Can You Hear Me by crescendmoon

Summary: When a powerful villain puts Izuku in a coma, Bakugou is there to watch over him. He knows he must be strong for Izuku's sake, but he can slowly feel the magnitude of the situation closing in on him, breaking down his walls. At this point, he'll believe in anything if it means Izuku wakes up.

One Shot | Pro Hero au

Fact Not Fiction by SecretKiwi

Summary: Some of Izuku's old notebooks were better left out of sight, and Katsuki stumbles across something he wasn't supposed to ever see.

{One Shot}

Rated - Teen & Up

DOG FIGHT by Wildish_Gambino

Summary: Dog Fight (noun) - a practice between men, in which all compete to see who can get the ugliest date.

Rules: 1) You must be polite

2) You must buy your date a drink

3) You have to get a dance

The man with the ugliest partner wins.

— — —

Or Pro Hero Katsuki brings nerdy next-door neighbor Izuku to a dogfight...but ends up falling for him in the process

Complete | 5 Chapters

Pro Hero Baku x Quirkless Deku

Rated - Mature

Why do you say that? by spookyserpent

Summary: “You can’t live without me,” Izuku says, quietly. “But you won’t live with me.”

Warm hands clench into fists.

“I love you, Katsuki,” Izuku says. “But I’m not going to hurt or hide myself for you.”

“Izuku,” Katsuki breathes. “Don’t.”

-- -- --

Or: Izuku goes to America and Katsuki realises his drunk confessions hold more truth than he’d like to admit.

{One Shot}

Rated - Teen & Up

Don't Leave Me Behind by Sol_Morales707

Summary: All their lives, from elemental, middle to highschool, Katsuki Bakugou has been popular. Fame follows him, be it by his Quirk or leadership, while Izuku was the shadow following him. Always left behind, a kicked pebble that yearns to be a part of Kacchan’s life.

There’s nothing in the world he wants the most.

Ten years and nothing has changed.

{One Shot}

Rated - Teen & Up

The Deku-Shaped Hole by SaysiWrites

Summary: Katsuki had few regrets in his life, but most of them revolved around one person: Deku. He'd made a lot of mistakes, and knew deep down that he should probably make amends.

He never expected the opportunity to be torn from his fingertips.

Complete | 15 Chapters

Rated - Mature

You're the Only One for Me by WriterKichi

Summary: While shopping for a Christmas gift for Katsuki, Izuku happens to see him with Eijirou by the jewelry. He knows that they’re just friends, but he can’t help but let his imagination run wild…

{One Shot}

Rated - Teen & Up

The interview by silverynight

Summary: "But I mean if you like him romantically."

Izuku is suffering, he knows the answer to that question, has accepted it a long time ago and has decided he's more than okay with being Katsuki's friend. Of course he doesn't like him romantically, even though Izuku does.

He knows Katsuki is going to deny it; he'd probably say they're just friends.

The color slowly vanishes from Katsuki's face, it almost seems like he's panicking.

But then...

"Like him? We're not even friends!"

Complete | 2 Chapters

Rated - Teen & Up

our own abyss by ContraryBee

Summary: On the verge of a hurt-fueled, world-ending fight, Katsuki does the brave thing and takes a sharp left turn into healthy communication.

“Kacchan, you are breaking my heart right now,” Izuku’s bottom lip trembles but he’s not sure if it’s in anger or hurt, “What’s /wrong/?”

One Shot | Pro Hero au

Rated - Explicit

Tell Me You Love Me, Show Me You Love Me (Don't Let Go) by MJBunnyLuv

Summary: “You’re upset,” Katsuki spoke, finally breaking the silence. It wasn’t a question.

Izuku turned, finally taking in the blonde’s sharp features. The angled strip of light from the tall lamp post accentuated his high cheekbones, the intensity of his eyes as they stared out the windshield, the tension he held in his jaw. It hurt the freckled man to think about saying anything, to see that his boyfriend was trying to piece together where he went wrong. But that was the entire problem…Katsuki rarely seemed to know where he went wrong, not until a screaming match ensued. Sometimes insults were thrown, the kind meant to hurt, to stab and twist the knife just to get the wanted reaction. But Izuku was tired of those kinds of conversations. “I think we should take a break.”

— — —

OR After a night of miscommunication and failed expectations, Izuku & Katsuki argue about their devotion to each other. Claws come out and painful words are exchanged, sending them into a week of hell, their relationship hanging in the balance.

{One Shot}

Rated - Teen & Up

Piano In The Dark by Kvngloki9

Summary: It’s Katsuki’s 25th birthday & he’s not really in the mood to celebrate. It’s been a shitty few months and he’s not really feeling it. He comes home to his boyfriend who disappeared post argument 3 months ago simply cooking dinner with threats of breaking up. Now all Katsuki can think of is how to make him stay.

One Shot | Pro Hero au

Rated - Explicit

What I love about you today by keyhimura

Summary: After a miscommunication causes the most stupid fight of their lives Katsuki tries to find a better way to convey his feelings, stumbling in a bunch of colorful papers that despite seeming dumb end up giving him the strength to make things right.

— — —

(Or the one in which Bakugou realizes he's eloquent as a frog and steps his game up in order to fix things between him and Deku)

{One Shot}

Rated - Explicit

I Belong Nowhere But In Your Arms by lucif5er

Summary: Katsuki tries to win Izuku back after years of being broken up and apart with some angst on the side.

{One Shot}

Quirkless Midoriya | OmegaVerse

Rated - Mature

selfish by ladyofsnails

Summary: “An official partnership?” Katsuki clarifies, and Izuku nods. Katsuki feels his heart sink, shoulders slumping with sudden exhaustion. This idiot. “People can’t back out of that, Deku, at least not with a shred of decency or pride left. It’s a permanent thing. We become permanent parts of each other’s lives.”

“You don’t want that?” Izuku’s voice warbles, just barely, his expression of hurt so deep and his words so wrong Katsuki can’t even look at him anymore.

{One Shot}

Rated - General Audiences

My Hero Merchandise by DekusCheriPop

Summary: Katsuki is confused and a little pissed. Wasn't he supposed to be someone closer to him than AllMight? Someone that shined so brightly in his eyes? His vision of Victory? Wasn't that what he was screaming about at Ground Beta years ago? Then why.....

Why isn't there a single merch of him in the nerds apartment?!

{One Shot}

Rated - General Audiences

The Ghost of a Touch by CrunchySnow

Summary: Izuku and Katsuki attend a late night show, a game of dares resulting them into getting closer. They both react very differently to that, which makes both of them feel like they’re being rejected by the person they've been in love with for ages.

Complete | 3 Chapters

Rated - General Audiences

It's rotten work. Not to me. Not if it's you. by ElStark

Summary: “I know I like you more than you like me,” he lets out a sigh, wet, trembling, and heartbroken. “It’s okay, though. I don’t mind as long as you like me enough to be with me,” Izuku’s fists close around Katsuki’s shirt. “I love you so much, Kacchan,” he rubs his face against Katsuki’s chest, tears dampening the fabric, “So much.”

{One Shot}

Rated - Explicit

Never or Forever by s_the_queen

Summary: Izuku's heart breaks every time Katsuki says he’s busy. They’ve been together five years, but it looks like the end is in sight.

Katsuki is in love with the smartest man he's ever met. It makes him paranoid when he starts to make...plans.

— — —

-or- Our idiot boys love each other but they're so bad at understanding each others' feelings ffs

Complete | 5 Chapters

Rated - Teen & Up

Seeing you by CrunchySnow

Summary: Izuku has reconsidered being Katsuki’s hero partner, refusing to explain himself. Katsuki is making up his own mind and he doesn’t like the answer he finds there.

{One Shot}

Rated - General Audiences

Jealous Much, Deku? by bkdkwritingsdump

Summary: Izuku sees Katsuki kissing a fan after a rescue mission and assumes the worst.

Katsuki thinks Izuku is blowing him off for no reason and gets angry instead of talking to him.

All of this could have been solved if they'd just admitted they were dating beforehand.

{One Shot}

Rated - Teen & Up

He Made the Big Mistake of Dancing in My Storm by potatopie

Summary: “No one could put up with Kacchan the way Midoriya does. Someone remind me again how the biggest asshole on the planet wound up with Japan’s sweetheart of all people?”

After being reminded a few too many times that he's a difficult person to be with, Katsuki starts to question why Izuku would want someone as complicated as him in his life.

Complete | 4 Chapters

Rated - Teen & Up

Don’t Go (Without Me) by amarisllis

{One Shot}

Rated - Teen & Up

🖤 🖤 🖤 🖤 🖤 🖤 🖤

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singingmountainwitch · 1 year ago

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You can predict diseases through tarot, I have done this many times myself.

This is a broad topic so I have made the following summary :

The fool : Health disorders that tends to make a person unbalanced, physically or mentally…diagnosis and treatment is difficult. Insanity, alcoholism, anxiety, depression, amnesia, neurosis, drug addiction, a temporary disease. as a negative outcome, adverts about suicide and accidents. This person is being careless about his/ her health.

The magician : Strength, vitality, stress, mental disorders. Starting a treatment.

High priestess : It has all to do about hormonal issues, hidden pregnancy, female reproductive organs, for male, issues about prostate. It also can indicate a hidden disease. Inner anger.

Empress : A good health condition. Pregnancy or skin disorders, plastic surgery.

Emperor : Strong & good health…as negative outcome Stomach, Stress and Liver problems but in general this card is very positive.

Hierophant : Shows a good health condition. POSITIVE

Lovers : Uncertain diagnosis, Lung diseases, ears, eyes, all body parts that comes in two. diseases caused by emotional issues. A second doctor opinion would be welcome since this cards brings doubts about diagnosis.

Chariot : Great health condition, a balanced health, muscle issues. Victory over the sickness. Be cautious about car accidents ( specially if following cards are negative ).

Justice : Surgery, backache, disease will be cured, poor renal function, metabolism.

Hermit : Tiredness, rheumatism, old age issues, there is stability in health condition, slowness, poor nutrition, excess or deficiency of vitamins and minerals.

Wheel of fortune : A new diagnosis, a temporary disease, Hormonal and blood pressure and blood circulation issues, avoid anxiety.

Strength : One of Best cards for health, advises to practice sports, you are fit and healthy. as negative outcome : facial problems ( nose and eyes ),heart, excess of physical work, bleeding,

Hanged man : Tiredness, problems in neck, head, arms, legs, lungs. Advises to Start caring more for you than for others. A convalescent period until you are completely recovered. High risk pregnancy, depression, suicide, mental disorders.

Death : A disease confirmation, Surgery and Bones problem, be careful about your health. As death prediction, in general, it must be followed by very negative cards ( swords in minor deck ) or judgment ( inheritance ).

Temperance : POSITIVE - For health, one of best card you could get, it advises to drink water, if you are sick it could be showing you will be cured, also advise to seek for homeopatic, ayurveda or treatments other than conventional. as a rare negative out come : Coma, allergies, difficult baby delivery ( delayed ) and incurable disease.

Devil : This card is related to Cancer, HIV, sexual diseases in general, sexual organs, impotence and insanity due to excess of materialism, drugs, sex.

Tower : NEGATIVE - Accident, falling from high height, breaking bones, Scars, Vital organs.

Star : Positive for the cure of a disease, but as negative outcome means flu, allergies, lazzyness, nervousness, intoxication, childhood diseases, drugs, but this is not a negative card, it’s all upon the following ones.

The Moon : There is a disease for sure, it could be depression, poor blood circulation, breasts, lymphatic system and in general mental disorders. you don’t know you are sick, but you are ( this card has a strong occult aspect ). As positive outcome indicates high fertility. If you get this card about health questions … ( it’s a red flag…consult a doctor, go for a check up ) specially if the following cards are negative.

The Sun : The best card for health condition denoting vitality, but often comes for heart patients ( heart attack ) and also could mean sunburns.

The Judgment : A disease is cured but in negative it could be a hereditary/ chronic disease. The return of a past disease. seeking for a better treatment since previous one haven’t worked properly.

The World : In general a good health, as negative, may indicate intestinal disorders.

*** This method should not replace a medical diagnosis, but take this just as a complement, especially if you want to know about someone’s real death cause or a disease of difficult diagnosis ***

#tarot #health #medical correspondences

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mamaradiodemon · 2 years ago

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mama…a friend of mine just committed suicide…any advice on how to grieve without drinking myself into a coma?

Oh my sweet baby, I am so so sorry to hear that. That's an absolute tragic thing to happen and I am very sorry for your loss. My sweet child, things like this are never easy. I understand how tempting it can be to want to grab the nearest alcoholic beverage near you or do some other things but please, for your health, refrain from that urge. You know, I have lost people in my lifetime before and it was always some of the most heart breaking things. What would help me is to be open about my grief with my loved ones. Expressing your sorrow and crying is always a healthy method. There would be times I would just curl up on the couch, holding onto the pillow, and cry while listening to the radio. I would also find a way to honor their memories, whether that includes speaking highly of them and cherishing the memories of them or do a sweet gesture in their honor. I hope something I said at least helped a little bit and if you need to speak, I am always here to listen. I know because of the holidays I have been a little absent and I truly apologize for that but I am back now and I am always here for you and all of my child. I love you so much and for the fact that you had the bravery to come to me even asking for advice is a very big step and I am so proud of you. 💕

#mama edith #hazbin hotel roleplay #hazbin hotel rp #hazbin hotel #ask blog #ask me anything #fan account #ask me stuff #happy hotel #motherson #alastor's mom

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qxrhg · 2 years ago

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Happy traumaversary

It’s been almost a year since I left work after developing PTSD. My friends from school are all more experienced than me now, I listen to their stories and watch them learn and grow. One is vent trained, the other is doing high-acuity training. These are the things that I wanted for myself. I got my RN because I wanted to know and understand more. I was so thrilled to finally get the depth and background to better understand my job, and I was really excited to get a job on a ward where I would be dealing with some of the most interesting cases. In the 5 months I was there I learned about management of complex lung diseases, some that 20 years ago people just died from. I saw the impacts of COVID first hand in all the lung transplants we were doing for people whose lungs got destroyed by COVID. God, some of them were so young and previously healthy. So many people who went into hospital for shortness of breath, only to spend months in a medically induced coma with a machine taking over their lung function until we could transplant them. I was developing real specialty knowledge in a complex field; I felt fulfilled and challenged.

Now I’ve been spending the last year at home doing what feels like nothing. The first 2 months I was practically catatonic- I used to just lie in bed staring into space for 8-9 hours at a time. I wouldn’t eat or drink because I just didn’t have the ability to do it. It was like a bizarre paralysis: I could feel how hungry and thirsty I was but I just couldn’t move. It took me hours to finally get myself to actually get up and do what needed to be done. I didn’t shower for days at a time, and I’m usually fastidious about hygiene. I was just an empty, broken shell of a person who couldn’t even take care of myself.

I finally got a good therapist after 7 months and started the healing process. I decided that instead of repressing and running away, I was going to face the trauma head-on. I didn’t want it living in my head with triggers waiting to go off like little landmines. This is, without a doubt, the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and man I have been through some shit. I approached it clinically and came to really understand what PTSD is and how it works. I went over old courses on the roots of trauma, epigenetics, and neurobiology (I greatly suggest the Alberta Family Wellness Brain Story certification).

Still, I feel lost and left behind. I don’t feel like I’m part of the world anymore. II don’t really feel like I’m myself anymore. So many of the things I was were taken from me: my sense of competence, my ability to power through anything. My vulnerability has been laid out starkly for me to see and I still feel broken. Yesterday I woke up from a bad nightmare and couldn’t stop crying. I reached out to people, but they have their own lives and I don’t want to make them drop anything. Besides, it’s my job to learn how to cope with these feelings.

But god I still feel empty sometimes. I have no idea what I’m going to do with my career going forward. My relationship has also changed, and something I thought was stable for almost 11 years has been turned on it’s head. Sometimes it just feels like everything is falling apart and it’s never going to be OK again. I feel like a burden on those around me, like I’m broken beyond compare. I know there’s a way out somewhere, but I just don’t know if I have the strength to do it.

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balkanradfem · 3 years ago

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Compilation of new stupid things I've done ft. Herbalism

So, someone suggested a herbalist to my post about female youtubers. I wanted to learn herbalism since forever, but for some reason, I didn't expect this knowledge to be available on youtube, I thought I'd have to find an old witch for this. I started watching this content with extreme excitement, and the first things I learned about are 'nourishing herbal infusions'. I've never heard of this before, but the herbalist said it's done like this:

You get about 300 grams of a dry plant in a clean jar, pour boiling hot water to the top of the jar, close the lid. Leave it on the counter to cool, then leave overnight in the fridge. Next morning you strain and they're ready to drink!

And she advises not to use herbs that are very fragnant, as that would be dangerous. She suggested nettle, linden, oatstraw, red clover. The logic behind it is that the water will break the plant down and draw out a lot of nutrients, and some medicinal properties, which you can then drink in liquid form! Nettle infusion will have a lot of calcium, iron and minerals, repair your energy levels and help regulate your hormones, and so on (I forgot what the rest are good for).

So, as soon as I had that much info, I rushed to the kitchen, to my herb stash. I had already eaten all dry nettle at that point, but I had a lot of linden! Linden infusion it is. I stuffed a full jar of it, poured boiling water, left it overnight in the fridge. It looked so beautiful, golden in color, twinkling light glowing thru it. It also tasted incredible. Like the tastiest ice tea you could imagine.

However.. it made my heartrate go thru the roof. I was having palpitations like crazy. I still drank it because it was super tasty. People here actually say very often 'too much linden is bad for the heart' which I disregarded. So, I still wanna make more infusions at this point, and I search for whatever I have a lot in stock; I had elderflower! Surely thats not too fragnant..

It was. One should not do this. That potion made me physically shaking. It didn't bother me that much but it was weird, and the taste was too strong. I had to throw half of it away. Sad.

This is also when I found out you're only supposed to use linden in half-dosage. So I tried linden infusion again in a low dose. Nope. Still increases heartrate. Sad.

At this point I also used google and found out that herbalism is filled with drama lately; apparently there's a popular herbalist on the rise and other herbalists are very concerned with dangerous and reckless advice she's giving. A person in a blog post said how nettle infusion was drying her out, because nettle is very drying, and it's better to use violet leaf infusion, which is hydrating, gentle, better tasting and overall nicer. I was very intrigued; I also saw a video from the herbalist listing violet leaf as a medicine against anxiety, stress, throat problems, breathing problems, lung issues, breast cysts, like everything you could ever want out of your life. So now I'm thinking I gotta try this out! She points out how violet leaf is extremely easy to identify, and I believe her, so I go out, to all the places I found violets early spring, and I get some leaves that looked similar to what she was showing.

I make tea from those leaves, and it knocks me out. I was sedated. I literally cared about nothing for the entire day after drinking this tea. It was a drug level medicine. It was also, extremely beautiful and tasty. Like a dream drug. I had it 3 days in a row, because I would soon need it to counter the effects of the other one: The nettle infusion.

Nettle infusion... was also like drugs, but with the opposite effect. It made me hyperactive, happy, filled with energy; it worked within seconds of drinking. It was also drying my throat, but did I care? No. I struggle with chronic exhaustion, and nettle offered me endless energy – of course I immediately over-worked myself into collapsing, because I'm not used to having a lot of energy. It was the new magic. It was filled with calcium and tasted like milk – so I thought, maybe I could use this as a milk replacement in cooking? And I did and it works. I had the best pancakes I had in years.

The power of herbalism at this point had me shocked, after years of calcium deficiency and cooking without milk, I just had it all now? And energy too? God-level plant powers.

I did start acting very weird. All my friends were telling me I was an addict, and as I got back from foraging with 3kg worth of nettle, that I splayed over a whole bed to dry, I felt that maybe, this was not the normal human behaviour. Maybe they were right. But then I thought, it would be a way bigger problem to run out of dry nettle.

I still haven't tried that promising, magical violet leaf infusion at this point; I felt a little apprehensive, because if even the lightest tea sedated me so severely, wouldn't an infusion of that put me in a coma? Still, I wanted to try. It was extremely lucky that I didn't. Because when I went to harvest more of those violet leaves – which I kept finding everywhere, for some reason, I discovered they were not, in fact, violet leaves. For the first time I found a yellow flower in it, and froze. I knew that flower to be poisonous.

The biggest danger of uneducated messing with plants is accidentally ingesting something poisonous, and it's exactly what I did. The leaves looked enough like violet leaves – to someone who didn't handle violet leaves before and didn't know the texture of them. I researched this yellow flower and its leaves; every article said it was toxic. But I haven't had any poisoning symptoms, even after drinking that tea for days in a row. I finally found a big long article that explained 'The toxic component in this plant can be neutralized by drying or cooking, then it might work as an analgesic'. And I knew I was okay. Because I was drying and cooking the leaves. I didn't poison myself by sheer luck. And if it was analgesic, the sedation effect made sense as well.

I am so mad these leaves are poison, you know why? They taste sweet. I tried a tiny bit to see if it's violet and it tasted sweet. They called out to me. And the beauty of this tea? Beyond any other tea. Just staring at this tea makes me feel all calm and happy- Look at this!

I was drinking that tea out of the jar for the aesthetics and stared at it hypnotized by its beauty! It looks literally like the most healthy, medicinal, calming magic tea. That is cheating.

I decided in the end, to keep the leaves. Since they're not poisonous dried, and only had a very sedating effect on me, I decided I accidentally discovered a good sedative. I need to keep this witchy tea aesthetics, and using a neutralized poisonous plant I discovered by experimenting on my own body, just makes me so much cooler. But seriously kids don't get poisoned. I'm writing this to tell you that plants are powerful, and they're dangerous, and one should research extensively before trying every herbalist trick they hear about. I of course, will be learning the hard way, but you all should be careful! And I guess have some nettle infusion if you're tired. That shit is crazy.

#herbalism #caution tale #homemade medicne #nourishing herbal infusions #dumbass protagonist #escapes consequences of her actions

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mister-supernova · 4 years ago

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Missed Connection

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4

Pairing: Hope Mikaelson x Reader

It’s almost been a month since your encounter with the stranger you believed to be from your dreams. Without any luck of seeing her again, you were beginning to think that maybe that’s all she was; just some mere figment of your imagination that you so desperately wanted to have all the answers you needed.

As insufferably difficult this summer was for you, you still managed to get through it. You thought it was because school wasn’t in session and that you’d be back in your element in no time once classes begin again.

That was what you had hoped for anyways, but alas even when the halls were filled with your peers and your routine was back in place, nothing seemed to change. The mysterious void in your chest didn’t ease like you wished it would.

You couldn’t help but wonder if your friends had been feeling the same way, too. Surely there’s no chance that you could be alone in this situation, right?

“You can’t tell me that things haven’t felt a little weird since Landon destroyed Malivore. He doesn’t even know how it happened, Lizzie.”

The blonde Saltzman nearly whips you in the face with her hair as she abruptly turns to face you in the crowded hallway. “Y/n, we live in a world where witches, werewolves, and vampires exist. Everything in our lives is bound to have a tiny amount of weirdness.”

She made a good point and you knew that, but you also knew that this feeling was different. It had to be.

Lizzie frowns at the disappointed look on your face and rests a comforting hand on your shoulder, “Look, the most important thing is that Malivore is gone. No more bizarre monsters coming to kill us every week. Now try to stop overthinking things and let’s get through this school year in peace.”

Before you knew it, your conversation ended just as quickly as it started and Lizzie was on her way back to class. You hang your head with a defeated sigh, desperately searching the hallway for someone who may be just as lost as you were. Instead, you see everyone going about their first day back like normal.

Students who were away with their families are now smiling brightly as they reunite with friends. Other groups of friends laugh at a joke another says as they pass you by and you wonder if there was someone you should be doing that with.

The clarity that you sought out today only made you more confused than ever. At this point you wished that it was still summer vacation because seeing your classmates having a great first day back had you thinking that you really were alone with your feelings.

Maybe you just needed a day to hang out with your friends after class today. They may not share your thoughts on how odd things have felt recently, but being around them definitely helps clear your head.

“I’m sorry, Y/n. You know Landon and I would be down to watch a movie or something, but we’re going on our official first date today.” Josie tells you, disheartened.

After the multitude of movie dates the two of them shared throughout the summer, you’re surprised that none of those had been labeled as dates, but you weren’t going to tell her that outloud. The two of them seem to be really happy to be spending so much time together and you weren’t going to get in the middle and be the third wheel no one wants, especially on a first date.

“No worries, Jo. I’ll ask Lizzie and MG if they’re free.” She gives you a gentle squeeze on your arm with a sympathetic smile before you go off to find her sister.

Things didn’t seem to be going to plan here either.

“If I hadn’t already agreed to this stupid- I mean,” she grits her teeth with a forced smile, “very cool study date with MG I’d totally hang out with you. God knows I’d rather do anything else.” You knew you weren’t supposed to hear that last part, but Lizzie was always awful at lowering her voice.

If you weren’t already feeling distraught, this definitely was the cherry on top of your depressing cake of sadness.

Instead of showing Lizzie that, you plastered the fakest smile you could and responded with, “Don’t worry about it. I’ll just… hang out downtown and get myself a milkshake at the Grill or something.”

Plan “get your friends to distract you from the abrasive thoughts penetrating your brain” had failed, but you weren’t going to let it stop you from at least getting out of the school for a couple of hours. With everyone so busy while classes are back in session, it made you wonder what in the world you did after school before this year.

As much as you tried hyping up how fun it was going to be hanging out downtown by yourself, it only made you feel even more bummed out. Like everything else you’ve been doing since the night Malivore was destroyed, something felt off and nothing seemed to be your remedy.

Minutes turned to hours and you ended up drinking four full glasses of cookies and cream milkshakes at the Grill, literally falling into a sugar coma at your table outside. The sun was barely setting when you got here, but then it was fully dark out when you were woken up from your sugar rush nap.

“Jesus, Y/n. I thought you were dead or something.” You lean your head upwards to see that it was Landon who woke you from your slumber.

“One could not be so lucky, phoenix boy.” You groggily respond, stretching out your muscles and wiping any drool from your cheeks.

Looking at your surroundings, you notice that Josie isn’t around.

“Aren’t you supposed to be on a date?”

There’s a pained look on Landon’s face at your question, “Yeah, about that… she, uh, she said she wasn’t feeling too good and decided to go back to the school.”

You raise an eyebrow at him, “What, did you take her to eat sushi or something?”

That was meant to be a joke, but the look of realization on the curly-haired boy’s face told you all you needed to know.

“You went to a sushi place.”

Landon quickly slides into the seat across from yours, “It’s what I suggested. W-Was I not supposed to?”

“Jo can’t digest any sort of raw food without wanting to convulse. I learned that the hard way when I first started going to the Salvatore school,” you shiver at the memory, “Never again.”

The phoenix begins falling into a full state of panic, “Oh my God. I didn’t know that! Wh-What am I supposed to do? What if I completely ruined everything? What if she never wants to go on another date with me again? What if-”

Your patience was thinning very quickly, “Landon, just relax. Take a breather for a second,” you inhale, watching him do the same, and breathe out at the same time, “Go back to the school, check up on her, have a convo about getting some better communication skills and I’m sure everything will be fine.”

Landon nods, “Okay, okay yeah. That’s good. I’ll, uh, I’ll do that,” he continues to sit across from you until you look at him expectantly, “Do I do that now?”

“For your sake, Josie’s, and especially mine, yes. Now would be great, buddy.”

“Right, okay. Thanks, Y/n!” He scrambles out of his seat and begins to shuffle away from the Grill.

“Go get ‘em, Tiger!” You shout with as much enthusiasm you could muster before slumping back into your chair.

Still dazed from the sugar rush nap and exhausted from that conversation, you lean forward with your elbows on the table and begin wiping the sleep from your eyes using the palms of your hands.

“This is gonna be one hell of a year.”

“Long day, huh?” You recognize that it’s a girl’s voice you’re hearing, but not one that was familiar to you.

Moving your hands away from blocking your view, you look up to see the person you convinced yourself was just a figment of your imagination. The long auburn colored hair, fair-skinned, blue eyed girl from your dreams was standing right before you. For a moment, you thought that maybe you really had lost it.

“Sorry. I just, I saw you sitting here earlier and thought you might want company.”

You’re almost positive that you were staring at her with your mouth hanging open like an absolute idiot. Just say something, dumbass!

“Mind if I join you?” She asks, gesturing towards the now empty chair that Landon left behind.

“Yes!”

Idiot!

“I mean no! No, I uh, I don’t mind.” You chuckle nervously, adjusting yourself in every way possible to hide the fact that you were internally freaking out.

The girl gives you a patient smile before taking the seat in front of you, “So, party of one tonight, huh? I mean, I saw you finish talking to someone right now, but it didn’t seem you two were here together.”

“Yeah, no. Not together at all or with anyone really,” for some reason you had to make this very clear to her, “That was just a friend of mine who’s having some lady troubles, so I decided to be a good samaritan and give him some positive advice.”

“How chivalrous of you.” Right away you could tell that she was teasing and the nerves you had seconds ago simply began to vanish.

“Why thank you,” you smile, feeling a wave of warmth when she returns one back, “But yeah, it’s just been me, myself, and I for the night… and day… and probably for the rest of the school year if I’m honest.”

Her smile fades and she tilts her head inquisitively, “What makes you say that?”

Oh, where to begin.

“I’ve been asking myself that for a while now actually. Everything should feel perfect given the fact that I have these amazing friends, I go to this incredible school, I’m 100% healthy and not dying of anything that I know of,” you shrug at yourself, “I should be happy with that, but I’m not. It feels so selfish of me to say and I wish I could fix it, but I can’t. How can everything be so close to perfect, but yet there’s still something wrong?”

The girl stares at you with such empathy and sadness in her eyes that you could swear she was holding something back.

You continue, “Things also haven’t felt normal lately. My definition of normal anyways. For some reason everything has felt completely off, like I’m missing something. You know when you forget that there’s somewhere you’re supposed to be? Like an event and you don’t realize you’ve forgotten about it until the day of and you say to yourself, ‘oh shit, I can’t believe I forgot about this really important thing’. That’s how I’ve felt ever since summer started,” you notice her tense up slightly, but you continue, “but I can’t remember what I’m forgetting.”

At this point, you were surprised this girl didn’t think you were crazy and start running for the hills. If this were any normal stranger, you wouldn’t feel comfortable enough to overshare the thoughts you’ve been keeping secret from your close friends. For some reason, she made you feel the complete opposite. Strangely enough--given the world you live in--you felt safe with her.

“Everyone at school is making me feel like I’m the only person who feels this way. Everyone else can go back to normal. Everyone else can move on and go on dates and study dates and hang out with their friends and go to class without feeling lost and overall just be… normal.” You finally let go of the breath you had been holding in for what feels like months.

Then you start to laugh at the ridiculousness that just spewed out of your mouth, “Jesus Christ. I’m so sorry. You probably thought you were going to have an innocent ‘nice weather we’re having’ type of conversation, but instead you got a stranger dumping their whole life crisis onto you.”

“You really don’t have to apologize. Trust me, I understand how insanely messed up life can get and how relieving it is to just vent it all out,” she gives you a reassuring nod with a genuine look of understanding that you’ve been wanting to see for months, “Even if it’s to someone who can potentially be a serial killer.”

The both of you burst out into a fit of laughs and you swear that you’ve never felt so connected to a person you just met. It was as if your souls had met in another life and were catching up for the first time in a while. Neither of you had a name to place with your faces, but that didn’t seem matter because you already felt like you’ve known this girl for years.

“I’ve had quite a rough couple of months myself. Not sure if I’d binge drink four cookies and cream milkshakes to numb the pain though.”

You shrug, “Well, it’s better than the latter option that I can’t even legally purchase because I’m underage. Plus, it helps that these are the best milkshakes in town--even if they are 4 dollars a glass.”

Now you’re hoping that your old co-worker can cover your bill since you only brought ten dollars with you tonight. Before you could reach for your wallet just to be sure, another thought crossed your mind.

“Wait. How did you know they were cookies and cream? I know it’s a lot of milk to force inside by body, but I normally leave no trace of evidence behind. Are you a witch or something?” That last part was obviously a joke otherwise she’d be at your school by now.

The girl opens her mouth to speak, but it takes her a moment to come up with an explanation, “It was my best friend’s favorite. Yeah, we used to go out for milkshakes all the time and I guess something about you reminds me of them.”

You smile, flattered, “Well, might I say, your best friend has amazing taste,” she purses her lips into a tightened smile and lowers her gaze, almost as is the memories of this said ‘best friend’ pained her to think about, “I’m assuming things aren’t so great with them right now?”

She sighs at the thought, “We were close for a long time. I’m actually surprised that they stayed as long as they did. I probably gave them a million reasons to bail, but they were annoyingly persistent,” she chuckles, “I’ll admit, it took me a while to settle into our friendship, but the moment I did was something I would never regret. From that point on the only thing that could separate us was death.”

Judging by her heavy use of past tense words, you could only think the worst happened, “Did they, you know, um…?” You didn’t want to ask the full question seeing that she was clearly still hurt by the absence of this person.

She shakes her head, “No. No, it turned out death wasn’t the only factor that was able to keep us apart. We meant a lot to each other and later realized that there was more to us than just friendship. Eventually, things started becoming serious but me being the person I am, I pushed them away and left.”

“Have you tried reaching out to them again?” You thought that there was no way two people who felt those intense feelings could completely forget about each other.

“Once, but things changed. They took one look at me and acted as if I never existed.” Maybe it was the empath in you, but it broke your heart seeing a small pool of tears building up in her eyes. You wished that you could say something to make her feel better and tell her that everything will be okay, but how could you when you don’t know her?

She quickly wipes the tears before they could fall and takes in a deep breath that you instinctively mirrored to compose yourselves.

“I guess it’s my turn to say sorry, huh? I feel like my baggage was a little heavier than yours there,” she sniffs, huffing out a light chuckle.

“Well, if we’re giving out medals here, you’ve got the gold. That’s for sure,” you grin, hoping to lighten up the mood.

Her laugh--that you could tell was genuine--gave you the assurance you needed.

“I feel like I should give you a hug. I mean, if you’re cool with that,” you suggest, ready to push yourself out of your seat, “Because I could kind of use one and I’m just assuming--”

“That would be great, yeah,” the girl nods with a relieved smile.

“Alright, great.”

The two of you stand, moving around the table to meet each other in the middle. Her head seemed to fit perfectly against your chest as her arms pressed behind your back. All of the weight that had been piling up on your shoulders began to fall at your feet and the tension from stress that built up inside your chest began fading away. How this could happen from an interaction with a complete stranger, you had absolutely no idea.

“Is it weird if I say this doesn’t feel weird?” You ask with the side of your head leaned against hers.

“Well, I think things are only weird when someone makes it weird.”

You pause for a moment, “Do you think this feels weird?”

She laughs and you know for a fact that she could hear your heart skip a beat, “No. I don’t.”

You fight the goofy grin from appearing on your face, but fail miserably, “Okay, good.”

Part of you was afraid of what’ll happen the moment you separate. You had no idea when would be the next time you see this girl or if there was going to be a next time. This was the first day in a while when you didn’t feel lost, instead you felt that this was exactly where you needed to be. You felt normal.

Before you could actually start making things weird, you begin to pull away from her embrace, “Well, tonight I learned that I can click with a stranger within a span of ten minutes give or take, so thank you for that.”

She smiles, “Thank you, too.”

“I think it’s safe to say that we’re at the point of learning each other’s names now.”

“Yes, because why start with those when we could just tell our whole life stories and share an intimate hug first?”

“Exactly! Actually, you know what? I think we should get married in Vegas really quick and we’ll just figure out our names during the vows section of the wedding ceremony. Whatever we come up with in the moment will just be how we refer to each other for the rest of our lives,” you joke.

“You’re absolutely right.” Wow, a girl who can keep up with your sarcasm without thinking you’re a complete--huge emphasis on complete--idiot? She is the girl of your dreams--literally and metaphorically.

You stared down at her in wonder, hoping to God that you’re not dreaming and that this interaction has been real, “It’s, uh, it’s Y/n by the way. My name. Y/n L/n.”

“Hope. Hope Marshall,” she reveals and a victorious smile appears on your lips when you finally have a name to match a face.

Your smile quickly drops when the clock tower starts going off and you realize that it’s nearly midnight, “Well, it’s been a pleasure meeting you tonight, Hope. I'm sorry to cut the rest of the evening short, but my school just got a new headmaster and unfortunately he’s a lot more strict on our curfew than our previous one. Don’t want to turn into a pumpkin, you know?”

She chuckles, “No worries at all. It was nice meeting you, too, Y/n,” Hope smiles and you can tell that she didn’t want to leave. If you were being honest, you really didn’t want to either.

Neither of you could find the energy to be the first person to walk away. To do that would be like trying to separate two annoyingly strong and stubborn magnets apart.

As much as you wanted to spend the whole night learning more about each other, you also didn’t want to be put in detention on the first day back at school.

Unwillingly, you take the first step backwards without wanting to fully turn away from your newfound acquaintance, “Thanks again for the chat. I hope to see you again very soon, Marshall.”

Hope rolls her eyes, but can’t contain a smile, “Only if you’re lucky.”

“I think I like my chances,” you wink playfully before turning your heel to make your way back to the school feeling the most energized you’ve felt in a long time.

apologies for the later update than usual with this series and I apologize in advance if it takes a while for part 6 to be posted. I’m in a bit of a writing funk right now and my mind is currently locked onto the Wilds soooo there may or may not be imagines for that fandom coming from me soon. anyways, happy late 2021 and here’s to hoping this year isn’t complete shit! much love y’all

taglist: @chicken-wang09 @trikruismybitch @sodangtired

#hope mikaelson #hope mikaelson imagine #hope mikaelson x reader #legacies #legacies cw #legacies imagine #legacies x reader

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cosmiclatte28 · 4 years ago

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Amnesia (Jaehyun x reader)

tw : amnesia, crazy parents, drunk driver accident, failed attempt to write an angst

a/n : hello, so I read this work I left since December 2020 but yeah I read this and turns out I want to know if this is interesting enough to have another chapter to finish the story or not. If not then it's okay I'll just leave it here, but if you're curious I can try work it out.

tagging @charmingyong @neopalette .. @yutahoes and @swagmonsterofficial who can probably help me with the writer's block . you too readers. help me finish this story :))) thxxx

The thing you fear the most in this life is the day where you lost your memories. Memories of everything important in your life. You've been so afraid of not remembering things, mostly because the doctrine of your parents planted inside your brain.

"Look at your brother, Doyoung, he aces all of his tests, have time to do sports, sings well, proper manners, and always practicing doing his best. You too should think of being like him."

For sixteen years you're always compared to him. For sixteen years you worked your brain off to memorize extended classes you were forced to take. For sixteen years you faked your identity in order to look smart. For sixteen years you pray with all your might nothing bad will happen to you that involves a reset button to your brain.

That day happened, on your last year of high school where you've prepared yourself for the national entrance test. You've forced your brain to memorize everything, maximizes all you know since young age, and even pushed your other desires aside (not that it is new, you never put your desire first)

You start preparing it one year prior

"Don't go too hard (y/n)... I know you can do this," your boyfriend (secret boyfriend) calls you when he checks on you.

"Oh Jaehyun-ah, as much as I want to slack off there is no way I'll live in peace if I score lower than Doyoung's." You reply him as you flip through some sets of questions.

Jaehyun sighs from the other end of the call "And your brother scored perfect?"

You hum "Actually yes he did."

"Did your parents really love you? Why are they torturing you this way... I remember playing when I was younger and yet I made it to this stage." The young future psychologist boasted.

Jaehyun is actually the same age as your brother, he is Doyoung's friend and he knew you from visiting Doyoung back then in high school. He secretly learns about your name and even your number, since then he's been calling you and giving you all the love, you could never get from your family.

"I study psychology and what they're doing is not good." Jaehyun lays down on his bed. As much as he questions himself why he wanted to date you he can't answer it.

His friends had been telling him to break up with you because you're just going to make his life hard since your parents went too hard on you. But his heart screams that he needs to help this little girl he secretly feels bad. Jaehyun saw you sitting on your room sticking your nose to a book he thought was a middle school's book... when you were just graduating elementary. He was pretty sure you're not happy and even Doyoung secretly spills the hidden feeling that he doesn't like seeing his sister treated that way.

He remembers the conversation he had with his bestfriend on that summer vacation

"Make it stop then Doyoung..." jaehyun said as he played with a soccer ball inside the big room.

Doyoung sighed "I tried Jae, but mom and dad didn't seem to listen. They just told me they wanted the best for (y/n) and that by pushing her she'll find her way to be successful."

Jaehyun snorted "Gosh I'm glad my parents are not like yours."

Doyoung massaged his nose bridge "I even tried messing up my scores, but I earned myself detention and she was told to never be like me. Look I tried rebelling, but they're not fazed."

Jaehyun rolled his eyes "Want to escape to my house? Take (y/n) too maybe..."

Doyoung buried his face on his hands "Oh I wish Jae! I am also hating this, but I'll be dead and if this involves (y/n) I'm double dead because," Doyoung fixed his posture and mimicked his parents "Doyoung you're the brother here, a gentleman will always protect a lady and (y/n) is your sister and she's a girl."

"Damn it. Jae, I need that scholarship!" Doyoung groaned.

Jaehyun nodded "The one offering a seat in USA? Go for it. I didn't see why you hesitated... with that brain you didn't need to study and still get perfect."

Doyoung went silent for a minute "But won't I just make her life harder? Who will help her if I am not here?"

Jaehyun snickered "As if you have been helping her at all... take that chance. I'll look after (y/n) she's already like my little sister."

Doyoung couldn't thank Jaehyun enough when he hugged his friend before leaving to the states.

Doyoung hugged you too and secretly whispered "Jae is my substitute, please please promise me you will be honest with him and tell him whatever you're feeling. I'll see you in the states! Girl this is your chance to leave the dark alley." Doyoung wiped your tear that left your eyes. Well Your brother has been secretly sneaking from his room to teach you things you still cannot understand when you're younger. He kept on apologizing for the situation you both live in... but you can't totally blame him too. In this life if someone asked you who were the most important person, you'll say it's Doyoung then Jaehyun.

In the meantime

"Look Jae, I need that scholarship... Doyoung is waiting for me. He's been telling me life is not that gloomy." You sound so hopeful and Jaehyun doesn't want to spoil your small happiness.

He sighs "Fine, you've learned enough! Please a good rest is also important."

"Yeah yeah say that to my parents and see if you got slapped." You giggled and Jaehyun noted that. Well he had been noting your behaviour too and planned to make you his first journal subject.

"Look I love you okay, don't tire yourself too much. Drink water, stay healthy and sleep." He bids you goodbye and little did you know that was probably the last night you could sit in your room and absorbed new materials inside your brain.

For the next day when you got home from school, you never made it back home. You did not remember anything, only a loud horn and your body hitting the asphalt. Your ear rang and your eyes went dark.

Your parents were crying when they heard the news of you getting hit by a car and it was a drunk driving accident. Jaehyun left his class when Doyoung texted him about you. Well Doyoung was called in the middle of the night and he was more than broken hearted to hear this.

Jaehyun was shocked when he heard the news, but he was more shocked when he sees your parents are there weeping like how parents love their children so much and super afraid of losing them.

He wonders why they would treat you so strict if they love you this much. Well some people say that is their way of showing love, but for rational people Jaehyun disagree how hard your parents were on you and your brother.

Your mother recognized Jaehyun and explained everything that happened.

Jaehyun's heart broke when the paramedics informed them on the next day that you got the amnesia.

Your parents cried maybe because it is the natural way to act, but Jaehyun's world collapsed when he remembered you telling him the worst thing you fear is waking up with a blank brain.

It took you some days to wake up from your coma, considering that you also had some broken bones and some operations are done on your body, Jaehyun's glad you woke up four days after the accident.

He saw it the first time you open your eyes and you squinted all around he saw the slight tremble you had in your eyes.

Though he's not sure if you have amnesia you could remember fearing this to happen, but he believed your heart remembered this fear and showed how scared you are.

The doctor ran the first test and you happened to know basic things like your name and at least your parents. You know their faces but not their names and Jaehyun, it took you some time but the glint of hope in your eyes was enough to let Jaehyun feels not left out.

"Jae" you whisper, and the doctors were delighted when you could mention his name.

Your parents were crying, feeling super sad that their daughter had to go through this but once you got a time alone with Jaehyun you couldn't cry nor can you laugh.

"Jae," that is all you can think of.

You move your hands and find them fascinating. Jaehyun wanted to cry, it's as if you're a baby discovering new things you can do again. This is the same girl who understand chemistry even when she's just eleven! The girl who speaks five languages fluently, the same girl who can play the hardest piano piece, the same girl who was forced to be perfect and she did it she was perfect but she lost everything she worked super hard for.... within one blink of an eye. For the first time after several years, Jaehyun cried his heart out in silence alone in his bedroom.

For two months you were on a therapy session to regain your memories and some of them are coming back. Jaehyun took a break on his school, saying he is doing a research (well he didn't lie) but mostly because he needs to and wants to take care of you. He didn't want your parents to ruin this golden chance of him fixing you (he wishes)

"Name?" Jaehyun asks every time he visited you. You could answer that easily "(y/n)"

"Siblings?" You could also answer that "Doyoung."

It took you sessions to find a trigger word that could bring more memories back.

"Books?" The doctor once asked and you blanked out. Your body shakes and the traumatic experience of being forced to read from a young age came into you.

"Books?" The therapist asks again when you kept quiet. Jaehyun sits next to you, holding your hand and he frowns when your grip tightens.

"Hell." Was all you say before clenching your fist and holding your head from throbbing so much.

You woke up on your private room already Jaehyun happens to be writing down the notes from today's session.

"I saw some memories Jae. What month is this?" You asked out of the blue

"No don't ask me questions. Rest (y/n)" Jaehyun tried to divert your attention.

"Month Jae!" You scream and right on time a nurse came in she heard your question and easily answered “November?"

You count and stared in horror "The test... 8 months left Jae! How can I memorize what I've learnt since baby to now?!"

The nurse was surprised maybe by your burst of words or just surprised by your sentence and Jaehyun shot her a dead glare.

She quickly changed your IV and left after seeing your panic stage.

You were shaking, nerves suddenly transmitting traumatic memories and you cried when you tried to remember everything you've worked super hard on... gone with one accident.

"(Y/n) calm down. Forget that! forget that test! You need to heal yourself first." Jaehyun holds you back from your panic attack.

Your parents saw you frantically shake on your bed with Jaehyun trying his best to calm you down. They ran to your side and when they heard what you said, their heart broke and for the first time your parents realized they've been doing the wrong thing to you.

"Mother is sorry, please (y/n).. honey" she cried... if your mind is right, you'll choke up for she never calls you sweet names, but you have no recollection of that, "honey please forget that test. Forgive me and dad for being too hard on you. Please my one and only precious daughter... just heal yourself first. You don't have to take the test now. Calm down."

Actually, Jaehyun finally talked to your parents, he talked politely about the way your parents raised both you and Doyoung in a wrong way. No, he didn't blame your parents for wanting the best, he just told them they shouldn't be comparing child and shouldn't put too much force on something one doesn't like. He explained the effect you had growing up like that and your mom was crying when she heard Jaehyun's easy explanation.

"We're sorry... now how do we fix this?" Your mother asked to the young man across him.

"If you let me, this is a new blank page. Like a reset button, though (y/n) might get fragments of the dark memories, but we can at least rewrite the pages and put in more love and joy into her life."

Your parents both agreed and let Jaehyun does his best to fix their mistakes.

So here you are, sitting on your bed for the third month already, mind still somehow fuzzy and you always stare at your room with blank face. You noticed the plain walls and when you arrived at your home, the grand piano greeted you, but you were confused of the big thing.

"Hey (y/n)," Jaehyun greets you when he comes into your room, "Hungry?" He asks first thing first after you wake up.

You nod your head and notice the lack of food on his hand.

"No breakfast?" Your face shows confusion.

Yes you were eating breakfast on bed for one month, mostly because your doctor also told you to not use your legs too much, but Jae saw it is quite the time you learn to walk and eat properly.

"There is, but not here. Come, we will eat properly." Jaehyun helps you stand, and he walks you to the dining table.

There you sit down, eyes empty as you scan the room, still unable to remember where and what is this place.

Your maid comes with a plate of your favorite breakfast. You look at Jaehyun with expecting eyes, he usually sits on the side of your table and feeds you. All you have to do is wait for the food to come into your mouth!

"Jae?" You question him when he picks up his own knife and fork then he digs into his own plate.

You watch him and he speaks up "Copy me."

You pick up the fork and knife, take the detail and switch the position when Jaehyun shows the right way.

He sees you struggle with your knife still and chooses to cut it for you. He returns the plate with small chunks of eggs and sausages then pushes it back to you.

"Now, eat." He continues doing his activity and with trembling hand (because everything is like you learning from basic) and slow but steady you can eat by yourself.

Jaehyun smiles with adoration, he couldn't deny you're actually smart like gifted smart... he thought there was no way someone could live like you and Doyoung if they do not have a bright basic.

"Delicious?" Jaehyun asks after you finish your plate.

You nod "Thank you" and both your eyes and his open wide.

"Did I just say thank you?" You also sound surprised.

Jaehyun nods "I mean i haven't remind you about table manners, but as expected that big brain is not completely blank, I guess."

The day continues with Jaehyun teaching you some more basic knowledge, you sit down on the sofa and your eyes bore into the big grand piano. Jaehyun noticed ever since you came home you seemed super curious about it. He is not the best pianist, but he can play some songs.

"Come, I think you're interested in this." Jaehyun sits you on a chair beside the piano and he takes his seat.

"Okay I am not as good as you, but let's try this. maybe music can bring back my (y/n)." Jaehyun plays some keys to warm up his fingers and he didn't see the sudden surprise you have in your eyes.

Jaehyun plays a simple piece of your favorite sad song, Clair de Lune. He said he wasn't a great player, but here he is confidently playing one song from the master part.

You clap your hands astonished when he finishes half of the song and surprise him with what you say next.

"That is beautiful. Why did you stop?"

Jaehyun wants to scream, music brings you back? Did your brain forget everything else that is painful to you, but not music because it's the only thing you do with love?

"Want to try?" Jaehyun stands up and helps you get comfortable.

Your eyebrow knits together when you first eye the black and white keys and then after placing two hands over them and closing your eyes, as if it's muscle memories your finger expertly play the same piece Jaehyun showed you, but this time you finished the whole song.

Jaehyun has this recorded and if he knew this earlier, he would've made you sit here and play more music. He notes how your eyes glimmer when your fingers still remember the song and for once Jaehyun saw a willing to live in your eyes.

to be continued... (or not if this is not interesting to read :D)

tell me should I continue or not? and make this happy end or sad end?

#jaehyun x you #jaehyun x reader #jaehyun x y/n #jaehyun angst #jaehyun scenarios #jaehyun oneshot #nct angst #jaehyun fanfic #jaehyun imagines

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ddaengtae · 4 years ago

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in the in-between || bbh

pairing: byun baekhyun x reader

genre: friends to lovers, new year’s eve!au, slight angst, fluff

word count: 7.4k

summary: you had never been a fan of new year’s eve. something about the illusion that once the clock struck midnight, the past would be behind you and everything would change for the better never sat right with you because it never turned out to be true. yet every year, the holiday provided a sense of false hope that maybe this year, things would be different. maybe this year things would change between you and baekhyun for once and for all.

a/n: well i finally pushed myself to write something after nearly 5 months and the result turned out to be none of my initial ideas and very mild compared to what i’ve written before. not totally content w it but it is progress and it is complete!! it’s been a bit so my writing is a little rusty, but happy new year everyone and i hope you enjoy. :)

There had always been something rather paradoxical about the concept of celebrating the brink of a New Year to you. The night of New Year’s Eve itself was at conflict with itself; the idea was to cheers to leaving the past behind, but doing so often led to much indulging in nostalgic memories of the exact year that everyone was aching to leave behind. The premise had always been to throw one last grand celebration to celebrate the accomplishments of the past 365 days and drown out all of the past sorrows with some deafening music and a bit too much to drink. After one last hurrah surrounded by the ones you love most and an alcohol coma bound to keep you knocked out until the next afternoon, the blanket assumption was that all would start anew and everyone would at last conquer their greatest fears and commence accomplishing all of the things that they had been putting on hold for far too long.

Yet every year it felt like a sham to you. Too many January 1sts had you woken up with a mind-numbing hangover and the overall sense that despite all you had pledged to change the night before, everything still felt precisely as it had in the previous year. Sure, you and everyone around you would follow their lackluster resolutions of going to the gym more or eating healthier for a month or so, but once the pressure and urgency died down, so did the effort. In the end, there was no substantial change. It was almost like being stuck in a gridlock; despite wanting out and craving for something more, you could never bring yourself out of the stalemate. Maybe your typical resolutions were too safe. Maybe you were just too secure remaining in the cozy comfort zone you had resided in for most of your life. Regardless of reasoning, New Year’s Eve had always felt like a sort of in-between dimension; a place where both the past and future existed both at peace and in conflict of each other for just one night, and a space where they both could be deemed as of the utmost importance or a pointless memory of the past.

“If your New Year’s resolution is to be the life of the party, you’re going to be off to a bad start,” a sarcastic chide and a bubbly laugh broke you out of your lonesome philosophical pondering. It was only once a shoulder was playfully nudged against your own bare arm that you snapped out of your trance and realized that you had been standing in the abandoned kitchen for long enough to be noticeable, cradling a half-downed glass of champagne in one hand and your cracked cell phone in the other. It was only then that you noticed Baekhyun popping your personal bubble and bringing you back to reality.

Baekhyun. How ironic for it to be him of all people to interrupt your contradictory New Year’s Eve stupor when your relationship with him was perhaps the best analogy of all for your perspective on the holiday. The pair of you had felt an immediate connection upon being placed in the same orientation group your freshman year of college years prior; the effortless way your personalities molded together and the jokes bounced back and forth nearly diminished all of your anxiety of fitting in and making friends in a new environment. From that day forward, the two of you, as well as the extended group of friends you accumulated with time, stuck together through failed tests, heartbreaks, job offers, and all of the other highs and lows of life as confused university students. Miraculously, you had made it to graduation in one piece and both managed to land jobs and apartments in the same university city along with many of your other friends. Miraculously, the two of you were still friends. Just friends.

The dynamic of your relationship with Baekhyun, like New Year’s Eve, always existed as a sort of in-between. What it was in between, that you were not completely sure of. One thing was for certain: you were friends and always had been. Friends who could tell each other just about anything. Friends who helped each other pick out their outfits for the night, and then assisted one another in getting out of them if one of you happened to have a bit too much to drink that night. Friends who stared at each other, perhaps longingly, for just too long when they thought the other wasn’t looking. Friends who joked around and touched each other constantly in a way that could only be described as flirting. Friends who had “accidentally” kissed-- nay, made out-- more than once when under the influence. Friends, but also not just friends. Not just friends, but not anything more than friends. It was yet another frustrating in-between that had never been resolved over the years, and one that you believed at this point never would be.

Downing the rest of your glass of room temperature champagne, you placed the empty cup down on the kitchen counter of Baekhyun’s apartment and raised an eyebrow at the bleach-blonde-haired boy beside you. “Well, if it’s your resolution to be more obnoxious and invasive of my space, then congrats. It’s not even midnight yet and you’re already off to a great start.”

Letting out a scoff, Baekhyun turned to face the counter and slowly re-filled your empty champagne glass with one of the many opened bottles remaining on the counter. It was evident from his shaky hands and the way the liquid splashed over the rim of the glass that he too had already had quite a bit to drink. “I haven’t been able to talk to you all night and now that I am, you choose violence? In my own home? Disrespectful.”

Offering him a half smirk, you reached to ruffle his hair with your free hand. “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.”

“Oh, the heat?” Baekhyun’s lips twitched upward and his smirk was soon matching your own. “Is it because you’re hot? Because I can get behind that.”

Rolling your eyes, you tried to ignore the heat rising to your cheeks as you shoved his shoulder with the heel of your hand. It was the alcohol causing your flush, you told yourself. There was no need to feel flustered by his meaningless flirtation after all of this time. “You’re unbearable.”

Baekhyun flashed you a toothy grin, his eyes remaining on yours just long enough to make you feel even more jittery. There seemed to be a sense of warmth, or even admiration, in his eyes as he stared at you, his once beaming expression slowly morphing into a more pensive one. “Mmm, maybe I am.” Reaching forward, he nonchalantly-- too nonchalantly-- tucked a stray strand of hair behind your ear. “No, but I’m actually curious. Do you have any resolutions this year?”

All you wanted to do was melt into the warm touch of his hand as it brushed against your cheek, but it was gone before you could indulge too deep into that fantasy. Pursing your lips, you crossed your arms over your chest and shrugged. “Nothing out of the ordinary. Probably just the usual… Make more time for the gym, be more organized… Stuff like that.”

Clearly not impressed with the cookie-cutter answer you provided him with, Baekhyun shook his head as he retrieved one of the nearly-full bottles of champagne off of the countertop and took a swig directly from the source. “I don’t mean that sort of resolution. I mean the type that you tell yourself deep down, the important type, that you usually don’t tell anyone.”

Of course that’s what he meant. And of course you had thought of one, but it struck a little too close to home to feel completely comfortable sharing. It struck a little too close to him.

Wanting to stall for more time and also needing to make your nerves less obvious to the boy standing in front of you, you tilted your head to the side. “What do you mean? Can you give me an example?”

Placing the glass bottle back on the counter, Baekhyun stared down at his feet for a few moments before nodding his head. By the way his teeth dug into his lower lip you almost would have sworn he looked nervous, but the expression was gone before you could dwell upon it and overthink as you always did. It was only once he urged you closer and leaned towards your ear that you realized just how loud the music and other voices were booming in the adjacent room and just how close the pair of you were despite the kitchen being quite spacious. He leaned in as if though he feared that others would hear him, but you were aware that such a thing would be impossible with the volume in the other room. Instead, his warm body barely grazing against yours and his breath against your ear created a feeling of intimacy that had your stomach in knots. Clearly his throat, he slowly spoke, “Yeah, I have one. It’s kind of a lot… But it’s to be more open and honest with the people around me.” He paused for a moment, his fingers mindlessly playing with the hem of your shirt as his hand rested just above your hip. “I’ve started to come to terms with the fact that I tend to use humor to cover up my real emotions a lot, and I think it’s fucked up the potential of a lot of great things for me.”

Well that was a lot more than you expected. Despite your mind telling you to stop and that it wouldn’t be healthy, you found yourself instantly trying to pick apart the possible deeper implications behind his words. What potentially great things was he referring to? He tended to joke around with you a lot, even in serious situations, so could this possibly have anything to do with you? Baekhyun had always been the straightforward type when it came to most of his relationships, so although it was highly unlikely, you found yourself fixated on the possibility of his resolution existing because of you. A girl-- especially one with champagne flowing through her veins-- could dream for a moment.

Realizing that you had remained silent for perhaps a bit too long, you at last nodded your head and smiled slightly. “I think it’s great that you recognize that about yourself and want to work on it. I love your humor, but you shouldn’t let it get in the way of anything important.” Pausing for a moment, you realized that it was now your turn to share. After Baekhyun’s deep and honest confession, it was only fair that you told him yours. Another hefty sip of champagne reassured you that the tipsy boy standing in front of you would never read too deep into your resolution and realize that it applied to him. “Well, my main one is probably to be a bit bolder and to stop letting my fears hold me back. It’s kind of like yours but instead of humor, it’s just me constantly getting in my head and talking me out of pursuing what could be some incredible things that I’m missing out on. I would hate to live my life and find out later that some of the peop-- things-- I want in life could have been easily attainable if I had just been brave for like… A few seconds.”

If your eyes hadn’t been so busy tracing the tiles on the kitchen floor, maybe you would have noticed the look of absolute adoration in Baekhyun’s eyes as he stared at your face as you spoke. It was only once his arms engulfed you in a warm hug and his chin pressed against the top of your head that you were snapped back into the present moment. “Thank you for trusting me with that,” he mumbled into your hair, his proximity never being something you could grow accustomed to. “Just know that I’ll always be here for you to push you through your fears.” After a brief pause, he pulled back to examine your face, a warm smile stretched across his lips as his hands remained clenched around your arms. “I mean, you’re not afraid of me, right?”

He could not have picked a more ironic question to ask if he had tried. It took every ounce of control remaining in your drunken system to force down the laugh that threatened to push through your glossed lips. Were you afraid of him? Of course not. Were you afraid of exposing your feelings to him and having it ruin everything you two had created over the years? Absolutely terrified. Maybe you would tell him eventually. Maybe you would follow through with the true intent behind your resolution in the new year, but for now, you were for once enjoying the in-betweenness of the holiday because it simply meant that you would not have to address your fears just yet. Instead, for now, you allowed yourself to respond, “Of course not, Baek. You’re like a… Marshmallow.”

Baekhyun feigned offense and gently pushed you away from him. “A marshmallow? Of all things... Are you trying to tell me that I should add working out more to my resolutions?”

The anxiety finally washed away for a moment as you giggled at his baffled expression, shaking your head. “No, no. It’s just the first least-threatening thing that came to mind.”

“Oh, I can be threatening.” Puffing out his chest, he made a valiant effort to flex his muscle through his rather thick sweater. When he earned another giggle from you, his eyes shifted over to the other much-more-lively room. “Well, now that we’ve shared our deepest, darkest secrets for the night, will you please accompany me back into the real party? It’s painful without you in there.”

Glancing over your shoulder, you grimaced as you caught sight of Chanyeol attempting to shotgun a beer like he was still in college, and groaning as much of the liquid splattered over his white t-shirt. Shaking your head, you turned back to Baekhyun. “I’ll meet you in there in a few minutes… It’s only 10:30 anyway.”

Instead of simply nodding and leaving you to your own devices, Baekhyun remained still, except for his eyes that studied your expression. After leaving you to awkwardly sway from foot to foot and swallow the nervous lump in your throat, he at last verbalized his thoughts. “You never liked New Year’s Eve, huh?”

Blinking in surprise, it was your turn to become completely frozen in place. Sure, he was right, but you had never vocalized your distaste for the holiday. Additionally, you always believed you did a stand-up job at making all of your friends believe that you were having the time of your life each year. Sure, you would sneak out to the kitchen to catch a breather a few times, but you always ensured you were smiling and keeping up with the crowd when it came to socializing and drinking. It unnerved you that despite your best efforts, Baekhyun still managed to see through the facade. What else did he know about you that you thought you had kept secret?

Sucking in a sharp breath, you decided to be honest. “I mean, you’re not wrong… I’m just surprised you noticed.”

Pressing his tongue into the inside of his cheek, he nodded slowly. “You do this thing where you smile wider when you’re sad, but it doesn’t reach your eyes. I’ve noticed it happens a lot on this day.”

The sincerity of his words had the lump you had just swallowed returning back to its righteous spot in your throat. The fact that he had noticed such a subtle habit of yours and thought about it enough to connect it to how you were feeling had you feeling oddly emotional, but you refused to let it show. Instead, you decided to use Baekhyun’s own coping mechanism against him to carry on, even if it would internally resurrect some of your past feelings of jealousy and sadness. “I have no idea how you would even notice that… You’re usually shoving your tongue down someone’s throat at midnight or passed out in a drunken slumber on the floor before the ball even drops.” To your relief, you were able to force a quiet laugh through your lips.

“Stoppp. I’m not usually like that.” Baekhyun visibly cringed at your words, lifting a hand to cover half of his face in shame. When you raised an eyebrow at him, he dropped his hand and gently grabbed one of your own. “But I’m serious. You’re my top priority and I want my top priority to be happy.”

“I am happy,” you replied a bit too quickly, giving his hand a squeeze before dropping it in fear that he would feel the perspiration on your palm. Keeping his recent words in mind, you twisted your lips into a smile and squinted your eyes a bit in hopes he would mistake your expression as genuine. “And I want you to be happy too, so let’s go enjoy the party.”

“Lead the way.”

Somewhere around 11:40, you lost Baekhyun. After a rather enjoyable hour of catching up with old friends and consuming your body weight in food and alcohol, the blonde-haired boy slipped away through the dozens of people until he was out of your sight. It wasn’t supposed to be a big deal; the two of you had separated numerous times within the hour to indulge in conversations with other people or to grab refreshments.

It wasn’t supposed to be a big deal, but the closer the clock ticked to midnight, the more you found yourself preoccupied with Baekhyun’s absence. With each minute that passed, you became more and more frustrated with yourself for being so fixated on the lack of his presence despite being in the middle of a lively party surrounded by so many of your other loved ones. Sure, Chanyeol and a couple of your other girlfriends had also gone missing, but all you could focus on was where Baekhyun had gone. This wasn’t the first New Year’s Eve he had disappeared shortly before the new year rolled around. In fact, as you sat alone on the couch as everyone around you counted down from ten, you were overwhelmed with a sense of sickening deja-vu.

As loud cheers and embraces of arms and lips around you signalled that it was at last midnight, it was then that you decided that this moment was why you despised the holiday so much. It was the in-betweenness of New Year’s Eve that allowed you to hold onto an imagination of false hope that perhaps, things would be different this year. Maybe at last the drive for a new beginning would thrust you out of the in-between stalemate that you had existed in for so long and propel you to confront all of the things your fears had been preventing you from doing for so long. However, as the ball dropped and the television screen filled with fireworks and confetti, you were reminded of your solitary state and that the holiday was simply a superficial deception of change. The state of in-between was no longer and you were pushed back to square one.

“You alright?” a quiet voice broke you out of your trance. Sat beside you on the couch was a concerned-looking Kyungsoo with an empty glass of wine resting on his thigh.

Clearing your throat, you nodded your head and curled your lips into a half-smile for your friend. “Yeah, just sleepy. I think I’m going to head out soon.”

Scanning you up and down more than once as if to assess the truthfulness behind your statement, he at last nodded and rose to his feet, extending a hand out to you. “Me too. I’ll walk back with you.”

Hesitating for just a moment, you eventually reached for his hand and allowed him to pull you into a standing position. While you would have preferred to endeavor on the short walk back to your apartment building alone, you knew your friends would kill you if they found out you were all alone so late and that it would be much safer to do so accompanied by someone else. Besides, Kyungsoo lived in the same building and he was also the least likely to probe you with too many questions or unnecessary conversation.

The two of you fell into a common rhythm of saying your goodbyes to your friends and grabbing your belongings before meeting at the door. After one last glance over your shoulder to see if Baekhyun had reemerged to no avail, you nodded your head at Kyungsoo to signal that you were ready to go. With one last wave, you shut the door behind you and the loud music and voices were at last a muffled thing of the past.

After escaping the apartment building, you and Kyungsoo fell into a comfortable cadence, the speed of your strides matched in urgency due to the crisp winter air biting at the parts of your skin that were exposed after being enveloped in a warm space for so long. A relaxed yet curious silence settled over you two; while you were friendly enough with Kyungsoo to know that he resented unnecessary small talk, you couldn’t help but notice the way he kept glancing at you out of the corner of your eye as if though to check that you were alright.

The collective quiet lingered all the way until you paced inside your shared apartment complex, brushing the dusting of snow off of your arms as you followed Kyungsoo into the elevator. Once it began to ascend, Kyungsoo asked, “Do you want to talk about it?”

Pretending to be occupied with unzipping your winter coat, you avoided his concerned stare. Although you were well aware that the attentive boy would see right through you, you still feigned ignorance and responded, “Talk about what?”

A stifled laugh slipped through Kyungsoo’s lips as he shook his head at you. “You know what I’m talking about, Y/N…” Reaching over, he brushed a speck of remaining snow off of your shoulder. “I’m not saying that you have to talk about it with me, but it hasn’t seemed to do you too much good keeping it in for all this time.”

Finally allowing yourself to meet his eyes, you let out a breath you hadn’t even noticed you were holding in. Kyungsoo knew about your feelings for Baekhyun. You had drunkenly confessed your deepest secrets to him at one of your wine and movie nights last year, to which the pensive boy merely smiled and told you that it was ‘obvious.’ He had done an honorable job at keeping your secret thus far, only urging you every once in a while to set your fears aside and go for it (obviously without much success). Shaking your head, you crossed your arms over your chest as the elevator came to a halt at your floor. “If it was going to happen at this point, it would’ve already happened a long time ago.”

“I don’t think that’s true,” he objected, extending his arm to hold open the elevator door for you. “You can’t expect things to happen if you’re not straightforward.” Ah, the ever so logical Kyungsoo was back at it again.

“That’s easy enough for you to say,” you huffed, stuffing your hands into the pockets of your coat as you stepped out of the elevator. “Don’t worry about me… I’ll be fine.”

“I mean, you especially have to be direct when you’re dealing with someone who is as big of a dumbass as Baekhyun is.” Kyungsoo smirked to himself, obviously amused by his own jab at his long-time friend. His hand remained on the opening of the elevator as he watched you exit from inside. “But seriously, are you alright?”

Stepping into the dim light of the hallway, you playfully rolled your eyes at him and nodded your head. “Yes, I’m alright. Goodnight, Kyungsoo.”

“Okay, okay. Goodnight, Y/N.” With one last smile and wave, Kyungsoo allowed the elevator to close and left you alone with your incessant thoughts.

As you walked down the foyer toward your apartment at the end of the hallway, you couldn’t help but scoff at the tacky ‘new year, new me’ sign surrounded by confetti obnoxiously plastered onto one of your neighbor’s doors, vibrations of loud music emitting from under their door.

There was nothing new at all about this year. While the passing of the eve also swept away the hope that comes along with the in-betweenness of the day, it dawned upon you that maybe some things just weren’t meant to be and that perhaps moving on would be the only way to officially break out of the stalemate you had been stuck in for far too long.

It wasn’t clear how long you had been asleep for. One moment you were in the blissful world of your dreams atop your plush cloud of the bed, and the next you were suddenly jolted awake by a ceaseless banging noise seemingly coming from outside of your apartment. When you were finally brought back to your senses, the light splashing through the blinds suggested that you had in fact been asleep for much longer than you originally believed. The moment your eyes landed on the clock on your nightstand and saw the numbers ‘11:44am’ etched into the clock, you shot to your feet and were confronted with your unruly appearance in the mirror. Sure, you had managed to take a shower and change before you climbed into bed the night prior, but the disheveled state of your hair proposed that it had been a rocky night of sleep.

The banging at the door, which you were finally able to identify was coming from outside of your door, continued and shook you further out of your tired fog. Who the fuck needed to see you so urgently right now? Sure it was nearly noon, but in your defense, you hadn’t remembered making plans with anyone and New Year’s Day was an internationally recognized hangover-recovery day.

Letting out a huff, you slipped the pair of sweatpants hanging off the side of your bed over your underwear-clad legs and threw your mess of a hair into a bun on the top of your head before stomping out of your room and towards the entrance of your apartment. Without bothering to look through the peephole, you swung the door open with a frustrated pull.

There before you stood a flustered-looking Baekhyun, a tray holding two coffees held in one palm and a box of what you deemed to be doughnuts balanced on that same arm. His other hand was still raised in a fist as if he was about to pound on the door once more. When he finally registered that you had opened the door and acknowledged his presence, his lips twisted upward into a small small. A smile that almost looked embarrassed… Or nervous. “Hi, Y/N.”

Raising an eyebrow, you rubbed your eyes and scanned him up and down once more. What the fuck was he doing here? There was no way that you two had made plans and you had already forgotten. You knew you weren’t that drunk when you were in his presence last night. God, if it was your plan to get over him this year, you certainly were not off to a good start. “Uh, come in…” you finally said, opening the door a bit wider and beckoning him with a nod of your head to follow you. Once he followed you into the kitchen and set his belongings down on the counter, you crossed your arms over your chest and turned to him. “Not to be rude… But also kind of to be rude… What are you doing here?”

“Well, I texted you and tried to call you like ten times to let you know that I would be stopping by, but somebody didn’t answer.” Shrugging his jacket off of his shoulders, he occupied himself with hanging it on the back of one of the chairs. “I brought coffee and doughnuts… I bumped into Kyungsoo in the lobby and he stole one of them, but I made sure he didn’t take any of the chocolate ones because I know those are your favorite.”

Keeping your eyes on him as you slowly opened the box and picked out one of the chocolate glazed doughnuts, you tried to study the unreadable expression on his face. Something was off. He usually exuded an almost childlike glow and enthusiasm that radiated through his body language and words, but it was absent at the moment. Instead, the way his eyes refused to meet yours and the way he was rocking back and forth on his heels made you think that something was wrong. After taking a bite of the doughnut, you wiped your mouth with the back of your hand. “Okay, thank you. Now tell me why you’re really here.” You glanced back down at the opened box of doughnuts. “This feels like some sort of weird sympathy gift before you give someone before you tell them that their dog died or something.”

Baekhyun hesitantly took a seat at the table, his eyes meeting your curious ones for a quick second before they flitted back down to his hands. “I don’t know… I kind of felt bad for losing you last night. Jongdae pulled me away because he knew I was the only one who would take care of Chanyeol puking his brains out, and before I knew it, I had missed the ball dropping and when I finally got Yeol into bed and came back out you were already gone.”

That was it? Furrowing your brow, you offered him a small smile. “Baek, it’s no big deal. We’ve rarely ever been together when it hits midnight in the past anyway.”

“But I wanted to be with you.”

You would be lying if you said his simple statement didn’t send a swarm of butterflies to your stomach that ignited a sort of fire in your insides. You knew you shouldn’t have allowed yourself to interpret his words in such a way, but you couldn’t help it. It was definitely going to take more than one day of the new year to push your feelings aside. Instead of showing any emotion, you solely asked him, “Why?”

Baekhyun’s eyes remained fixated on the clock on the microwave behind your head as you took a seat in the chair beside him. His demeanor was so unlike his usual self; you were so used to him being direct. “I thought a lot about what you said.”

Another cryptic answer could only yield another vague question. “What did I say?”

“Just about your resolution and how you’ve never liked New Year’s Eve. I was thinking about that a lot.”

Now it was your turn to feel uneasy. Picking a small piece off of your doughnut, you rolled the object between your thumb and index finger to avoid meeting his gaze that was finally set on you. “Why were you thinking about that?”

Taking a drawn out sip from his iced coffee, Baekhyun shrugged his shoulders. Despite the gesture anticipating to come off as nonchalant, the boy’s disposition was still rather timid. “I want to know why you don’t like it.” His eyes lost yours again, moving back to the clock behind your head. What the fuck was so interesting about the clock? “And I want you to be honest.”

The tension in the air between the pair of you had you wanting to rise out of your chair and lock yourself in your bedroom. You knew you couldn’t do that, and you knew he would see right through you if you provided him with some conventional answer of why you didn’t like the holiday. Instead of opting to do either of those things, you chose to be honest. Honest, but in a way that didn’t include him in the narrative. “I don’t know… I guess I’ve just always seen it as some sort of facade of an in-between dimension. The whole point of the day is to leave all of the troubles of the past year behind and it gives off this sort of false hope that things are going to be drastically better and different when the clock strikes midnight, but it’s all an illusion. So I guess it’s kind of just like any other day except it exists as sort of neither the past or the future, but it’s the false hope that comes along with it that usually makes me sad.”

“An in-between,” Baekhyun repeated, nodding his head. He bobbed his head in a manner that suggested not only that he agreed with your words, but that he may have even anticipated you saying them. Without missing another beat, he murmured, “So kind of like us.”

Sucking in a sharp breath, the remnants of the doughnut remaining in your mouth shot down your throat, sending you into a coughing fit. “W-What?”

Baekhyun hesitated for a moment, mindlessly twirling the straw around his plastic iced coffee cup. “You heard me.”

Taking a long sip of your beverage to clear your throat of any stray doughnut crumbs, you blinked a few times in disbelief as you stared at the boy sitting next to you. How the fuck had he read your mind? And why was he bringing this up right now? There was absolutely no way he understood the weight of his words, and there was no safe way for you to respond to what you thought he might be implying. Instead, you played it safe, asking, “What do you mean by that?”

“I think you know what I mean… Or at least I hope you do.” Baekhyun’s nervous brown eyes met yours for a moment. The only sound filling the room was that of your heartbeat pounding in your chest, and the anxious tapping of his foot on the wooden floor. “I think you should put that resolution of yours to use though and tell me what you think I mean.”

Your resolution. The one where you had told him you needed to stop letting your fears hold you back from the things you wanted, and that sometimes just a few seconds of bravery could possibly lead to drastic changes in your life. That was certainly the one he was referring to, it was just a matter of you putting your words into action less than twelve hours into the new year. You knew there was a chance you were reading his body language wrong and that this could go horribly wrong. However, in the moment, the want for something more to push you out of the in-between and Kyungsoo’s advice that nothing would change unless you were more direct proved to be stronger.

“You’re saying we’re also like an in-between because while we’re definitely friends by label, a lot of the things we do makes it feel like we’re more than that… But because we’ve never talked about it, we’re stuck in a sort of in-between state of friends and something more than friends…” After pausing for a moment, you lost total control over the words escaping your lips. “So if what you’re saying is that New Year’s Eve makes me sad because it reminds me of us, you’re right.”

You weren’t sure precisely how you were expecting Baekhyun to respond to your unexpected confession, but it certainly wasn’t him putting his face in his hands and letting out a loud groan. “God, I hate it when Kyungsoo is right. Even Jongin was right. Jongin. I’m such a fucking dumbass.”

Clearing your throat awkwardly, you stared down at your lap and sucked in a deep breath in an effort to decrease the accelerated speed of your heart. You wished he would say something more. In fact, you needed him to elaborate or else you wished the floor would swallow you up right then and there. “Oh…?”

“Y/N…” The sound of the legs of his chair grinding against the floor interrupted his unusually quiet voice for just a moment. Within a moment, his knees knocked against yours and a shaky hand found shelter beneath your chin, urging your head upward. “I’ve been so caught up in my own fears of you rejecting me that I usually spend every New Year’s Eve drinking until I black out before midnight the years you’ve been with another guy so I don’t need to see you kiss somebody else at midnight, or making out with another random girl in an attempt to make myself feel better and forget about you. It never worked. It never will work because I’m a dumbass and I have been so disgustingly and blindly in love with you that I’ve been too scared or too stupid to consider that just maybe you felt the same way.”

It was in that exact moment that you felt as if though you finally understood what people meant when they said their hearts are full. With each word that Baekhyun spoke and each absentminded stroke of his thumb across your cheek, you were sure that yours was about to burst; burst from knowing that all of the pain and longing had been without a purpose, and burst yet again for how much love you had to offer the boy sitting before you. If you hadn’t been so well-rested and used to being cautious for so long, you probably would’ve thrown your arms around him and burst into tears.

It was also in that moment that you felt a drastic shift in the energy between the two of you. No longer were you trapped in the longing and sadness of the in-between. No longer did you have to wonder ‘what if’ or if your deepest feelings were reciprocated. The vulnerability plastered across his face washed away all of the doubts you had been carrying around and beating you down for too long. He wanted you and you wanted him. The curse, that torturous trap, had been broken. The in-between was no longer.

“You’re right,” you at last vocalized, unable to bite back the exuberant smile toying at the corners of your lips. Reaching up, you gently rested your palm on top of the outside of his hand on your cheek. “You are a dumbass.”

Baekhyun blinked a few times, almost as if he didn’t believe the words that left your mouth. His body froze for a moment, but when he noticed the genuine joy spread across your face, he instantly relaxed and his smile grew to match your own. “I just poured out my heart to you and that’s all you have to say to me?” he whined, lowering his arms to wrap around your waist and tugging you onto his lap. “I already had to hear that from Kyungsoo on my way up here. I told him that I was probably going to chicken out and then he asked me for a doughnut. I thought he just wanted something to eat, but instead he threw it at my head and told me I’d be a total dumbass if I waited any longer.” Glancing up for a moment, he ruffled his messy blonde hair. “There’s probably still some frosting in my hair.”

“He called you a dumbass to me just last night, so at least he’s consistent.” Wrapping your arms around his neck, you giggled to yourself as you eased a small clump of strawberry frosting out of his hair. Once you were able to settle comfortably on his thighs, you allowed your eyes to meet his alluring stare. “Baekhyun, I love you more than you could ever know and I am just as much of a dumbass for not telling you sooner and believing that my feelings would just disappear.”

If you hadn’t believed him before, the look of sheer infatuation in his eyes as he smiled at you wiped your slate clean of any remaining worries or doubts you had. The love overtaking his features almost had you feeling embarrassed for ever thinking that he didn’t love you in the way that you loved him. It had always been crystal clear. No wonder why all of your friends were constantly urging you to confess to each other and that the chances of rejection were nonexistent. No wonder why your friends had even told you that it would be impossible for you to love someone as deeply as you loved Baekhyun.

Playing with the hair on the back of his head, you leaned forward to comfortably rest your forehead against his. “So can I kiss you now? For real this time? Or if I do, are you going to say ‘nice work, team’ and give me a bro fist bump like you did last time?” you teased, bringing up an unfortunate memory of the past, earning a groan and a visible cringe from Baekhyun.

“I panicked and I choked in the worst way possible. You should know that I still wake up in a cold sweat some nights because that absolutely haunts me.” He let out a breathy chuckle, nudging the tip of his nose against yours. “And you can. We just have to wait a minute.”

Furrowing your brow in confusion, you tilted your head to the side. “Wait a minute? For what? We’ve been waiting years.”

“You’re going to laugh.” Baekhyun chewed on his lower lip, a bashful blush smearing itself across the apples of his cheeks.

“Tell meeee.”

Puffing out his flushed cheeks, his hands slipped under the hem of your shirt to rest on the warmth of your lower back. “While I was tossing and turning last night, I came up with this grand plan that if everything worked out, I was going to kiss you at exactly 12 o’clock noon as a sort of recreation of what I wasn’t able to do last night and all the midnights before. Now that I’m saying it out loud, it’s even cringier than I originally thought and I’m emb--”

“Well, did everything work out?” you cut him off with your question, peering over your shoulder to take note of the time on the microwave clock that Baekhyun had been so preoccupied with just shortly before.

“Well, yes…”

“Then count down from ten.”

A knowing smile consumed Baekhyun’s lips as he began to murmur the countdown in unison with you. With each number, your voices became just an ounce quieter. With each murmur, your faces moved closer in proximity. All of the tension and anticipation that had built up over the years existed as a bubble bound to be popped in the minimal space remaining between your lips.

“And 1…”

Baekhyun decided to take initiative once the last number was uttered, a firm hand gripping the back of your head and nudging your face forward until your lips crashed against his. After the initial urgency of clamouring lips and teeth wore off, your lips and bodies molded together and fell into a mutual rhythm that burst the bubble of fears and replaced it with intense fervor. While your kiss may not have been accompanied with the same boisterous fireworks and confetti that those who kissed at midnight experienced, it didn’t matter; the awakening of all of your senses from your head to toe ignited a fire inside of you that was brighter and louder than any holiday celebration could ever be.

Neither of you had to ask what all of this meant for the two of you when you at last pulled away; there was simply a sense of mutual understanding that the stalemate had been broken.

At last, you were no longer trapped in the in-between.

At last, you were home.

#baekhyun x reader #baekhyun imagine #exo imagine #baekhyun fic #baekhyun writing #baekhyun fluff #baekhyun angst #exo fic #exo scenario #baekhyun x you #exo #baekhyun #ddaengtae

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arloelilly · 3 years ago

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There You Are

Prompt: Y/n and Turtle were separated for several years for reasons they couldn't help. They finally find each other and have a heartfelt reunion.

Warning(s): Reader being injured, mutated, and held against her will.

So I've had this idea brewing in my head for a little while and wanted to write it out so thank you @redfoxgaming41 for requesting this one! And holy crap this is the longest I've written in a while.

The story

During the battle with Kraang, you had been injured badly and had to be airlifted to Mayo Clinic - Rochester, Minnesota to receive proper care. It was a long and grueling trip but you were transported safely and immediately taken into a prepped room. Many doctors were on your case, making sure you received the best care available. However, throughout the weeks of taking care of you, they noticed how quick a recovery you were making which astounded them.

The astonishment had been short-lived after a while as the doctors noticed, not only were you healing quickly but your appearance was changing as well. It first started with the texture of your skin becoming rougher and...scaley? Then the pigment of your skin began to turn a/an s/c color. Your back became hardened and formed what the doctors described to be a shell-like appearance. Growing fearful, they contacted someone to examine you.

Your eyes fluttered open as you stirred from your induced coma, your vision slowly clearing from the blurriness that glazed your eyes. Your brows furrowed in confusion. Where were you? The last thing you remember was being moved into a helicopter before you passed out. "She's awake, Ma'am." A feminine voice broke through the silence of the room. Then, through your blurred vision, you could see someone walk up to the bed you were in. You shook your head to shake the blurriness away and see who was standing next to you. "Where am I?" You asked, eyes trailing up as your blurred vision finally cleared.

Standing beside you was a black-haired woman. Her ebony skin glowed in the white lights of the room as she gave you a soft smile. "You're in the recovery room. You had a long trip, Y/n." Her voice was just a soft as her smile and brought a sense of calmness to you until something caught your attention out of the corner of your eye. You glance down at your hand, your eyes widen with shock as you lifted them and sat up. "W-w-what-what is-what happened to me?" Your voice was almost frantic as you looked over your body. The heart monitor beeped quickly as you began panting. "Now, calm down Y/n! Just calm down." The woman and her assistant pushed you down into the bed so you wouldn't do anything drastic.

"We're not exactly sure what has happened to you but we're running some blood tests to find out why." She said in hopes of calming you down. Then she cleared her throat and straightened herself. "I apologize, I haven't introduced myself. I'm Dr.Blood," She gestured to herself as she said this, "And this is my assistant, nurse Robin." Dr.Blood then gestured to a woman who looked down at you with a friendly smile. You looked from Robin and back at the doctor. "Doctor.....Blood?" You questioned. Blood chuckled at your quizzical look. "I know, it's an odd last name, but yes." She gave you a sweet smile before taking a deep breath. "You seem lively and healthy enough to move about. Robin could please go get her something to eat and drink?" Dr.Blood requested. "Yes, Ma'am." Giving you one last smile, Robing turned on her heels and left the room, leaving you and Dr.Blood alone.

"I'm aware that I'm in recovery but where am I exactly?" You asked looking away from the doors to Dr.Blood. Blood seemed to swallow hard before taking another deep breath. "Unfortunately, I can't disclose that information to you. When you were examined at the hospital you were immediately transported here in secrecy." She explained. "You mean no one knows where I am?" You gave her a stern look as you sat up. "As far as anyone knows, you are still in Rochester, Minnesota." Her voice was calm as she gave you this information. "You have no right keeping me here! You will let me go!" Jabbing a finger in her direction, you glared at her. "That isn't my call to make, Y/n. I'm sorry, my job is only to make sure you're healthy." Her eyes were apologetic as she gave you a sad look.

Six Years Later

You sat in your bed with your sketchbook, drawing yourself in your mirror before sighing as boredom crawled its way up your body. Leaning into your half-circle of a bed, your finger now tapping the scribbled page. Your eyes glance over at your digital clock with a hint of nervousness in them. It was almost time for another painful examination. Throughout the years you've been living here, you and Dr.Blood had grown close. She did all in her power to make sure you were comfortable not only during your examinations but in your life here. She was one of the nicer people you've met here, other than Robin, someone who didn't treat you like an abomination. And when someone stepped out of line or over a boundary towards you, she was a force to be reckoned with. She wasn't only like this with you, though, she cared for all of the patients in this facility even if they weren't her's to care for.

On days you were going through a depression, Dr.Blood would try to make time to come see you or even send Robin to give you company. Both Robin and Blood felt bad, knowing you most likely would never get out of here and back home to the ones you cared about. The thought affected Robin so much she had to take time off to breathe and recollect. What no one, not even you for that matter, knew that the two of them had a plan. A plan to get you out of the facility and back into society. They knew you couldn't just join the world again. You still had to be kept in secret, but anywhere would be better than rotting away in this facility.

"Knock, knock!" Robin's chirpy voice sang as she walked into your room. "Hey, Robin." A soft smile made its way onto your face while you stood from your bed to follow her. "Things are going to be a little different today so I just need you to not freak out and just follow me." Her voice was professional as it usually always was when she wasn't on break or spending time with you. "Alright." You reply with a raised brow, your smile never dimming. You then left your room, right behind Robin; however, something seemed a little off about her today. Her pace was a lot quicker and she walked a bit more straight. You were still able to keep up with her as you glanced at the room you were always lead to for your examinations.

A sense of anxiety began to fill your chest when Robin led you into an unfamiliar part of the facility. There was no one else to be seen, no patients, no doctors or nurses. Even the smell was different from the chemical smells that lingered in the wing you stayed in. "Hey, Robin...where are we going?" You asked with uncertainty. "Sh." She hushed you quickly. As you two walked in silence a familiar smell entered your nose. It was an all too familiar smell and it was stronger with your heightened senses. The outside world was close. Just then Dr.Blood rounded a corner. She looked to be in a hurry as she took long strides towards the two of you. "The boat is ready and so is the cargo plane. We need to hurry, though, c'mon!" Her voice was frantic but determined. Her hand found its way onto your shell and Robin's back, ushering you two along at a faster pace. "W-what's going on?" Confusion coated your voice while you looked down at her. "I'll explain later. Right now we need to get you onto that boat. I've already bribed the officers and the sailors." She said as you guys walked through heavy plated doors to be met with a loaded dock and the roaring of an ocean as waves crashed against the shoreline.

"C'mon, in here Y/n!" Robin called to you, and the two women moved you into a large cargo crate. "At least tell me where I'm going!" You call out to them. "Here! It's a list of places we are going to make sure you aren't found! Hopefully, it will give you some peace until I can explain later!" Blood hollered over the sudden rain and thunder. She tucked her hair behind her ear as the heavy wind blew. Robin and Blood then closed the doors to the crate and locked it but not after Robin gave you a flashlight so you could see. Silence filled the metal box, the sounds of heavy winds, pouring rain, and roaring thunder all muffed by the cold metal walls.

A sigh escapes your lips when you turn the light on. You back up into a corner and sit down as you looked over the list of states Dr.Blood wrote out in her neat handwriting. Ten states were listed but only one stood out to you, New York. Excitement fluttered in your chest but you knew it was going to be a while before you got there, seeing as it was the last state listed. You knew it was going to be stressful but you couldn't help the small smile that tugged at your lips.

Eleven Months Later

"Well, today's the day Y/n! You're finally going home!" Dr.Blood said as she patted the steering wheel with her hands. A big smile was plastered on her face as she talked to you over the phone. "I can't believe we did it!" Robin bounced in her seat excitedly and looked at Dr.Blood. A laugh escaped your lip as you sat in the horse trailer. "I'm excited too but I'm not celebrating until we get there." You chuckle, looking down at the phone in your hand. A sigh then escapes your mouth as the thought of how the turtles and April would react when they see you. How would you even go about showing yourself to them anyway? It's been almost seven years, would they even remember you? A pang of sorrow hit you at the thought of them forgetting about you, especially t/n. Over the time you two knew each other you grew feelings for him.

"What's up, Y/n?" Dr.Blood's voice asked through the speaker. "Oh, uh...it's nothing. I'm just worried about how they'd react is all...or if they even remember me." You replied. When you were traveling everywhere, you became comfortable enough to tell Dr.Blood and Robin about the others and that most of the police force knew as well and were on their side. You knew what you were from the moment you woke up at the facility but it still puzzled you. "Six years is a long time but that was such a big event that happened, I don't think they could ever forget you," Robin said, "If anything, I'd imagine them more likely to take you in." She added. Her words gave you a little hope, bringing a soft smile to your lips.

The rest of the car ride was quiet. When you made it to the airport, you were transferred to a cargo box. It was a bit snugger but not uncomfortable. You sat in the dark with your eyes closed, feelings of excitement and nervousness taking turns occupying your mind. Dr.Blood had informed the chief of police, Rebecca Vincent about you and that you were being transferred to New York. Vincent along with other officers were going to meet you all at the airport to make sure everything went smoothly.

It was a little bumpy getting off but you made it safely. "This is her?" Vincent asked as she looked the metal box up and down. "Yes, is everyone ready?" You heard Dr.Blood reply. "Alright, let's get a move on people!" Vincent called out as the door to the crate opened making you gulp as light began to fill the box. "Okay, Y/n, c'mon," Robin said grabbing your hand and leading you to a large police van. You hurriedly jumped inside and took a seat as the doors behind you closed. The medics inside the van checked you out to make sure you were in good health. "Okay, sweetie just look at me." A female said as she checked your eyes.

Thirty Minutes in

"Alright, well you seem to be in good health." The male gave you a small smile and took a seat adjacent to you. "Thanks. How long until we get to our destination?" You ask. Suddenly, a loud thud came from the top of the van causing your head to dart up. "What was that?" You asked. "The heroes of New York." The female medic stated with a side smile. "They got here quick." The guy mumbled glancing up at the ceiling then back at you. "Well, I'm sure Chef Vincent would have informed them about her arrival." The female replied, taking a seat beside you.

One Hour Later

"How much longer?" You huffed, now pacing to get your blood flowing. "Not much longer, about another five minutes. Chef wanted to make sure absolutely no one would see you." Addy, the female medic, replied, drawing another sigh from you. You sat down again, resting your cheek in your palm.

With Dr.Blood

"For the last time, she's being escorted to a secluded spot chef Vincent set out. Y/n is safe, no one knows about her besides the escort team." Dr.Blood repeated for the fifth time tonight after Raph questioned her about your situation again. "And Leo. He just hopped on the van now." Donnie pipped up after reviewing his tracker. "Where they at?" Raph asked walking over to Donnie to look at the tracker. "Dr.Blood, Vincent called. She said we should head out now." Robin informed after she strode into the room. "Alright boys, let's go!" Raph said with a growing smiling.

They all headed out, Robin and Blood took a car, and the guys followed Donnie as they hopped along the buildings in Leo's direction.

With You

You lifted your head, excitement slowly building as the van came to a slow stop. Standing up, you were ready to jump out and finally reunite with your friends. "Hold on there. We gotta wait for the other units to secure the perimeter before we let you out." The male medic, Rick said as he placed a hand on your shoulder. "Why? I'm ready." You argued glancing at him and the metal doors. "We know you are. When we get the orders we'll let you out." Addy said as Rick opened one of the doors and hopped out.

A low rumble came from you as you grew impatient. Your reptilian growl took you by surprise for a moment since you were still getting used to the new sounds you can make. Another hour had passed and the order still hasn't been given. Just as you were about to say something, a voice came over Addy's walkie. It was difficult for you to make out but Addy's smile gave you hope. "You ready?" She asked, her smile growing. "I've been ready!" You reply almost desperately. She walked over to one of the doors and opened it, hopping down before Rick opened the other door.

The cool soft feeling of dirt met your feet as you hopped out of the van. You took a few steps forward spinning a bit as you look around for your friends. "W-where are they?" You asked. You seen officers everywhere but no sign of your friends. "They're around, probably trying to find you. Just stay here and someone will lead them over here." Rick said, crossing his arms and leaning against the van. "Y/n?" You turn quickly hearing April's familiar voice. "April!" Relief and happiness fill you when your gaze lands on your friend. You both embrace each other. "Wow, when they said you changed a lot...they really meant it." She said before pulling away and looking you up and down.

"Y-yeah, I still don't know how it happened." You say, rubbing the back of your neck. "Where are the guys?" You look around again. "I believe they're talking with Vincent at the moment. She's probably filling them in on the situation. Dr.Blood was pretty vague when she explained it." April said, following your gaze. "Casey and Vern?" You look at her. "With the guys." She replied. You sigh again while shifting your weight. "How have you been. I hope nothing...besides this has happened." April asked, gesturing toward your mutant turtle body. "It's a long story." You say in a tired voice.

Just then you caught a glimpse of the brothers. They were still talking with chief Vincent, unaware that you were only a few meters away. "There they are!" You say. Anxiety seemed to creep up your spine as your hands began to tremble. April wrapped her arm around yours in an attempt to calm you down. You shared a smile with her before looking back up.

Leo

I kept myself composed as I listened to chef Vincent speak but on the inside, I just wanted to see her. For the past six years, I wondered if I'd ever see her again, and then yesterday, out of the blue, some doctor calls claiming to have Y/n in her care. I was skeptical at first but now, with all these officers around, it feels more real than ever. "To put it simply, Y/n has been turned into a mutant." Vincent's words snap me out of my thoughts immediately. "Come again?" Donnie asked. I could hear the puzzlement in his voice. My brothers and I all glance at each other before looking back at Vincent. "And the doctor couldn't have told us that when we were at the station?" Raph growled, his voice having a hint of anger.

"Relax Raph, at least she's alive and well bro." Mikey pipped in trying to calm our brother down. "Um, if you don't mind me asking chief, what kind of mutant?" Donnie asked as he adjusted his glasses. "A turtle....like you guys." We all look over to see the short brunette, Robin, from the station. "Where's Dr.Blood." Raph huffed as he shifted his weight. "Unfortunately, Dr.Blood had to go incognito much more early than we hoped. I'll have to do the same when this is all over and done with. The facility Y/n was kept in found our trail just a few minutes ago. It'll take them a while to find out that she's in New York so we have a team creating a fake trail from New York to many other locations."

"A facility? What else did that doctor forget to leave out." Robin gulped at Raph's rising temper. "Raph, that's enough. We'll worry about that later." I said, getting a grunt from him. "Where's Y/n now?" I look to Vincent as I ask. "Follow me. She's over here." Vincent said walking off to her left. We followed behind but it didn't take long before we slowed to a stop upon seeing Y/n. She was talking with April. "Y/n?" I asked. Her attention was pulled towards us as soon as she heard me. "Guys." Her voice was soft and a bit shaky. Even in the dim light, I could see the tears welling up in her eyes. "Y/n!" Mikey cried out excitedly as he ran towards her. He caught her in a bear hug, picking her up and spinning her around.

"I thought I'd never see you guys again!" My heart broke slightly hearing her cry into Mikey's shoulder. Donnie wasted no more time in joining the hug. Raph seemed hesitant at first but followed Donnie's lead as he hugged Y/n and our two little brothers. After a few seconds, I walked over, a smile on my face as I joined the group hug. We stayed like that for a moment before separating. I watched as Y/n wiped the tears from her face before looking over my brothers. Mikey had his signature grin, Donnie was also wiping tears from his eyes and Raph was doing all he could not to cry.

"Sooo, what now?" Mikey asked looking over at me. Before I could answer, we heard Vincent speak up. "Well, the sun will be coming up soon. I suggest you all head back to the sewers." I nod in agreement. "C'mon guys, let's go," I tell them, taking the lead.

Back at the Lair

When we entered I called out to Sensei to let him know we were back. It didn't take him long to emerge. I looked behind me to see Raph helping Y/n down then looked down as Sensai walked past me and towards Y/n. He looked at her for a moment before wrapping his arms around her and pulling her into a firm embrace. "It is nice to finally have you back my dear!" A hint of strain could be heard in his shaky voice after she hugged him. "It's good to be back, Spinter." She replied. Sensai then pulled away with a soft look in his eyes. "You must be exhausted. It would be best if we all got some rest."

After Y/n got settled into her new room I knocked on her open door. She turned her head towards me before giving me a soft smile. "Can I come in?" I ask, returning the smiling. "Yeah." She nodded. As I walked in, I was sure to close the door behind me. I walked over to her. As I did, the feelings deep inside of me were quickly rising like a roaring flame. I couldn't control them any longer. "What is i-" I cut her off, my hands cupping her cheeks as I push my lips to hers. My hands slipped behind her head as she returned the kiss.

"You have no idea how hard it's been. When you didn't come back and we went to Minnesota to look for you but when Donnie could no longer trace you...I thought you were gone. I thought I'd never get to see you again. The thought of me never have gotten to say goodbye almost killed me." I could feel the tears stinging my eyes, making me close them while my brows furrowed. "I felt the same way. So many doctors and nurses told me I would never get to leave. That I was going to be stuck there for the rest of my life." I opened my eyes, her thumbs brushing my tears away. "I will never let that happen to you again...I promise." My voice was firm now.

"I believe you." Her arms wrapped around my neck as she closed her eyes and gently nuzzled her nose to mine before I bumped my forehead to hers.

Raph

I paced back and forth as I grew tired of waiting to see her. Why did they have to put them through all this just to reunite with their friend? It made no sense to him and frankly pissed him off. "To put it simply, she's a mutant." I stopped in my tracks at Vincent's words. I glanced at my brothers sharing the same puzzled look. "Come again?" Donnie asked while messing with his glasses. "And the doctor couldn't have told us that when we were at the station?" I almost bark as a deep rumble emitted from my chest.

"Relax Raph, at least she's alive and well bro." I gave Mikey a glance as he bumped his elbow to mine. "Um, if you don't mind me asking chief, what kind of mutant?" Donnie asked as he adjusted his glasses. "A turtle....like you guys." We all look over to see the short brunette, Robin, from the station. "Where's Dr.Blood." I huffed, shifting my weight. "Unfortunately, Dr.Blood had to go incognito much more early than we hoped. I'll have to do the same when this is all over and done with. The facility Y/n was kept in found our trail just a few minutes ago. It'll take them a while to find out that she's in New York so we have a team creating a fake trail from New York to many other locations."

"A facility? What else did that doctor forget to leave out." I could see Robin tense at my harsh tone but I didn't care, my blood was beginning to boil at the thought of Y/n possibly being experimented on. "Raph, that's enough. We'll worry about that later." Leo said. I let out a grunt and roll my eyes. "Where's Y/n now?" We look to Vincent as Leo asked. "Follow me. She's over here." Vincent said walking off to her left. We followed behind but it didn't take long before we slowed to a stop upon seeing Y/n. She was talking with April. "Y/n?" Leo said. I watch as her attention was pulled towards us as soon as she heard him. "Guys." Her voice was soft and a bit shaky. I could see the tears welling up in her eyes and her lip quiver. "Y/n!" Mikey cried out excitedly as he ran towards her. He caught her in a bear hug, picking her up and spinning her around.

My heart was breaking, seeing her and hearing her voice. "I thought I'd never see you guys again!" She cried into Mikey's shoulder. Donnie followed Mikey joining the hug. I hesitated but the feeling of wanting to comfort her was too much. I allowed my emotions to control my movements and joined my little brothers. Leo eventually joined in too. We stayed like that for a moment before separating. I watched as Y/n wiped the tears from her face.

"Sooo, what now?" Mikey asked looking over at Leo. "Well, the sun will be coming up soon. I suggest you all head back to the sewers." Vincent suggested. "C'mon guys, let's go," Leo said before we all headed for the nearest manhole.

Back at the Lair

I helped Y/n down as Leo called for Sensai. When I looked up toward Leo, Sensai was already walking past him until he stopped in front of Y/n. He looked at her for a moment before wrapping his arms around her and pulling her into a hug. "It is nice to finally have you back my dear!" I could hear the relief and sadness in his voice as he held her. "It's good to be back, Spinter." She replied. Sensai then pulled away with a soft look in his eyes. "You must be exhausted. It would be best if we all got some rest."

I took Y/n to the guest room we prepared and helped her get settled in. As I was about to take my leave something stopped me. A part of me pulling me back to her. I look over my shoulder, seeing her stroke the soft fabric of her blanket while one of her arms hugged herself. I swallowed the lump in my throat and turn towards her. "Y/n?" I question as I walked up to her. She turned around to look at me, her e/c eyes locking with my emerald ones. I took a deep breath before letting out a heavy sigh.

"We....I really missed ya." My hand finds her's as I look down at the floor. "I had no clue on what happened to ya. I knew you was hurt but not having-to-be-airlifted-to-a-different-state hurt. Ya know, I thought after a month you'd come back but when you didn't we went lookin for ya. I thought something bad happened to ya when you weren't there and Donnie couldn't find a single trace of ya." I swallowed hard, trying to hold back the tears that stung my eyes. Feeling Y/n's hand on my cheek, I look back up. "I never thought I would get out of that facility and see you guys again. I just wanted to shrink away into nothing so when I realized Robin and Dr.Blood were getting me out I was ecstatic. I was afraid you all would have forgotten about me after almost seven years."

"Well, no one is ever goin to hurt ya again. Not while I'm breathin!" I state, pulling her closer to me. Our foreheads met, "Plus..." I say, inching closer, "I love ya." My voice was just above a whisper. I didn't care if she felt the same way or not. I needed to let her know how I felt. My hands slid up to cup her cheeks, my thumbs gently wiping her tears away. A breathless laugh came from her as she looked up at me. "I love you too, Raph." She choked out, more tears streaming down her face. I then pulled her into me, closing the gap between us until our lips met. I couldn't help the tears that soaked my mask and stained my cheeks. She's all I care about.

Donnie

"Come again?" I asked when chief Vincent said Y/n was a mutant. So many thoughts ran through my mind, everyone else's voice being drowned out. "Um, if you don't mind me asking chief, what kind of mutant?" I asked, adjusting my glasses a bit. "A turtle....like you guys." We all look over to see Robin walking up. "Where's Dr.Blood." I look over at Raph who was becoming huffy. "Unfortunately, Dr.Blood had to go incognito much more early than we hoped. I'll have to do the same when this is all over and done with. The facility Y/n was kept in found our trail just a few minutes ago. It'll take them a while to find out that she's in New York so we have a team creating a fake trail from New York to many other locations."

Again, my mind raced. 'She was kept at a facility? I'll have to ask about that later. If anyone was going to make sure Y/n stays safe, it's me.' I thought to myself. "Raph, that's enough. We'll worry about that later." Leo said, pulling me from my thoughts. "Where's Y/n now?" Leo asked. "Follow me. She's over here." Vincent said walking off to her left. We followed behind but it didn't take long before we slowed to a stop upon seeing Y/n. She and April seemed to be having a conversation until Leo spoke up. "Y/n?" He asked. I watch as her attention was pulled towards us as soon as she heard him. "Guys." Her voice was soft and a bit shaky. I could see the tears welling up in her eyes as she took a breath. "Y/n!" Mikey cried out excitedly as he ran towards her. He caught her in a bear hug, picking her up and spinning her around.

I couldn't contain my excitement either as I wasn't far behind Mikey. We both hugged her tightly as Raph and then Leo joined the hug. Everything seemed to drown out when we separated. All the sounds becoming muffled as my attention focused on her. "C'mon guys, let's go," Leo said. I shook my head as I followed my brothers and Y/n to a nearby manhole where we disappeared into the shadows.

Back at the Lair

Time seemed to fly by, everyone but me was asleep. I got in contact with Robin who was happy to fill me in on everything. I went straight to work, creating a system that would make an endless trail of places Y/n could possibly be. I also took it upon myself to erase whatever digital records the facility had on her which seemed to be most of the information about her. I sighed, feeling relieved that Y/n would be safe. My fingers lightly tapped on the arms of my chair. I turned in my seat to look in the direction of Y/n's room and perked up a bit when I noticed her light still on. I stood and walked over.

"Still awake I see." I lightly smile at her as I walk towards her. "Oh, yeah. I guess I'm just not as tired as I thought I was." She said, her e/c eyes look at me. "Well, rest a sure, darling, you no longer have to worry about the facility finding you. I took the liberty of making sure of that." I inform while I took a seat on the floor next to her. 'Wait.....did I just call her darling?' I mentally slap myself for it but keep cool but the look she gave me says she caught it. "Ehm, s-so uh....It's been a long and interesting night." I say rubbing the back of my neck while my cheeks heat up. "Yeah." She giggled at me. "It has." She added before leaning into me. Instinctively, my arm wraps around her. Her head rested on my shoulder as she sighs.

"Listen, Y/n. I think this is a better time than never to tell you," I sigh and lean forward, my forearms resting on my thighs as I slouch, "I....really like you." I turn my head to the side to look at her. "You do?" She tilted her head before a small smile found its way onto her face. "If it's too much right now the-" "No, it's not because I like you too, Donnie." She cut me off, placing a gentle hand on my bicep. A smile spread across my face before I leaned closer to her. "Then...I hope you don't mind me doing this." I whisper before planting a tender kiss on her lips. I feel her hands wrap around my neck as she returned the gesture of affection.

I found myself pulling her into my lap, the kiss turning more passionate. We separated, looking into each other's eyes. "I won't let anyone harm you ever again. I promise, Y/n."

Mikey

"Relax Raph, at least she's alive and well bro." I nudge trying to keep the mood light. Sure she was kidnapped but at least she's back now. "Um, if you don't mind me asking chief, what kind of mutant?" Donnie asked as he adjusted his glasses. "A turtle....like you guys." We all look over to see that cute nurse, Robin, from the station. "Where's Dr.Blood," Raph said while he shifted from one foot to the other. "Unfortunately, Dr.Blood had to go incognito much more early than we hoped. I'll have to do the same when this is all over and done with. The facility Y/n was kept in found our trail just a few minutes ago. It'll take them a while to find out that she's in New York so we have a team creating a fake trail from New York to many other locations."

"A facility? What else did that doctor forget to leave out." I looked back at Raph who seemed about ready to lose his temper. "Raph, that's enough. We'll worry about that later." Leo said. Raph let out a grunt and rolled his eyes at our older brother. "Where's Y/n now?" We look to Vincent as Leo asked. "Follow me. She's over here." Vincent said walking off to her left. We followed behind but it didn't take long before we slowed to a stop upon seeing Y/n. The excitement when I saw her practically boiled over. "Y/n?" Leo said. I watch as her attention was pulled towards us as soon as she heard him. "Guys." Her voice was soft and a bit shaky. I could see the tears welling up in her eyes and her lip quiver. "Y/n!" I cried out excitedly and ran towards her. I couldn't bear seeing her so emotional. I wrapped my arms around her tightly, picked her up, and spun her around.

"I thought I'd never see you guys again!" She cried as she returned the tight hug. My brothers soon joined the hug. We stayed like that for a moment before separating. I watched as Y/n wiped the tears from her face. "Sooo, what now?" I asked looking over my shoulder at Leo while I held Y/n gently. "Well, the sun will be coming up soon. I suggest you all head back to the sewers." Vincent suggested. I looked at chef Vincent before looking back at Leo. "C'mon guys, let's go," Leo said before we all headed back home.

Back at the Lair

After Raph went to bed after helping Y/n get settled in, I happily strode into in to wish her goodnight. "Hey, Y/n!" I chirp and catch her gaze. When our eyes locked, I suddenly felt sheepish. "U-um, I just want to uh...wish you goodnight. We got a lot of catching up to do tomorrow!" I say, trying to keep up my happy-go-lucky tune, bumping her arm with mine. "Thanks, Mikey but are you okay?" She asked tilting her head at me. "Y-yeah, of course I am! Why wouldn't I be?" I reply. 'Crap she's good.' I think to myself. "Because you aren't usually this nervous." The sound of her giggles filled the room and made my heart flutter. "Is there something both-" I couldn't help it anymore. My arm slipped around her waist as I pulled her into a deep kiss. "I really like you, okay? That's what's bothering me." I admit when we separate.

A smile replaced the shock on her now soft face. "I really like you too, Mikey. I always have." Her silky voice flooded my ears, my nervousness dissipating at her words. I was probably grinning like an idiot but I didn't care. She's all that matters to me at this moment. "Goodnight, Mikey." She said, planting a gentle kiss on my cheek. "Goodnight, Y/n," I reply before leaving her room. I closed her door on my way out and walked over to Raph's and my shared room. "Yes, yes, yes!" I fist pumped and whisper shouted as to not wake Raph up. I then flop onto my bed a dumb smile on my face. "I can't wait for tomorrow."

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everythingisgayandnothinghurts · 3 years ago

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This is a venting post and I just need to scream into the void for a little while. I hate having bipolar disorder. It's so fucking difficult to not make it a personal failure. It's hard to accept its nothing more than chemicals when your parents will never see it that way. It's hard to be on top of the world and believe everything will be just fine and then be suicidal a few days later. It sucks to feel this depression bc some sick part of me just wants to wallow in it. Or drink myself into a coma or self harm. Those are the ways that make the thoughts stop. My therapist is so great and so patient with me when I feel this way. She calmly points out all the healthy coping skills I could use while joking how we both know I won't use them. I hate being anxious and needing some doctors note to get anxiety days off from work. I hate being the special snowflake at work that everyone has to reassure all the time. I'm tired of the ups and downs and sometimes I feel like I'm free falling and scrambling not to crash into a pile. I'm just so tired. Going through this shit is exhausting. And when I'm down I know the mania will come again because it always does but I want to end it all because the low also comes back. I feel like I'll never be able to accomplish anything in life because my moods dictate so much of what I'm capable of doing. I'm trying to stay strong through this disorder I really am but it's so damn hard. I'm tired of fighting and tired of being strong. I have a lot to live for and I know that. I have a great family and great friends and a great job. Sometimes I don't think I deserve all the good in my life. I don't feel like a good friend or a good daughter or a good employee. Work makes me so anxious I want to die but they have been so kind and understanding and willing to work with me. I feel selfish for feeling suicidal I really do. So many people have it worse than me right now. I have more than a lot of people in this world. The fight to live is just so hard and my demons are put to play in full force right now. I've been self harm free for a year now and I am so proud of that fact. My family doesn't know just how often I used to take a razor to my skin just to quiet my brain from beating me up. I don't know how much longer I will stay free from my worst habit but I'm going to try.

Sorry this was depressing af.. I will tag any triggers and if you read this maybe you will feel less alone. I hope you feel less alone.

#tw suicide ideation #tw self harm #tw depression #bipolar 2 #tw suicidal feelings

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cutiepisenpai · 4 years ago

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Gifted part 10

Spencer Reid X F!Reader

Warnings: Nightmares, sexually suggestive themes

Y/N and Spencer were in the elevator going to the parking garage leaving Quantico having just got back from a case. “I really think you should stay at my apartment tonight.” Spencer says as they make their way to the parking garage. “No way. It’s not like you have said that everyday since we came back to work.” Y/N says with a smirk. “It’s a safety precaution. You haven’t been sleeping.” “You aren’t the authority on sleep, your sleep schedule is all out of whack.” She says getting into the car. “I may not have the most consistent sleep schedule but if you don’t feel safe in your own apartment you’re not going to get any rest.” She hated that he was right, they both had the same issue with getting enough sleep. “Fine but I have some conditions. First, I need to go to my apartment to get some things. Second, we are going to get real food at a grocery store. I don’t know how you survive on take out. And lastly, we are having a movie night. How does that sound?” “As long as I know you are safe I’ll go along with your crazy demands.” He says. “Don’t call them crazy demands, I am not an unsub.” They stopped at Y/N’s apartment so that they could get the things she needed and went to the grocery store. “Alright grab a cart and let’s go.” She says to him. She walks him through the store picking out produce and adding it to the cart moving around to the meats. “Do you have soy sauce at your house?” “I have soy sauce packets.” He answers and her eyes narrow at him. “What it’s soy sauce just in packets.” “I’m just going to act like your answer was a simple no and go from there” “While walking the aisles Spencer grabs sugar filled snacks and places them in the cart which Y/N keeps putting back. When he gets Cap’n Crunch to place in the cart she stops, “Okay what’s with the sugar coma you are trying to achieve?” She asks. “What do you mean this is good?” “Cap’n Crunch rips your gums. Of all the sugary crap you have grabbed so far this is by far the worst.” “You act like you eat so healthy. How much salt do you consume from pickles, chips, and nuts.” He says smugly. He looks into the cart noticing the snacks he placed in were gone. “Hey you took my snacks out.” He says, his voice rising. “I said real food Spence not processed sugar coated crap.” He pouts at her comments. “Okay fine here is what we can do, we can get all the things and I will bake cookies. You can keep your gum ripping cereal that will be your personal problem. We can also buy popcorn and ice cream but that’s it.” Y/N says and he smiles. “By the way if we looked at our entire week day by day my salt consumption is not as great as your sugar consumption. What kind of cookies do you want?” “Chocolate chip and snickerdoodles.” He says. “Both huh. Okay but only because you’re cute.” She says. “Alright last thing we need is ice cream and we can leave.” When they get back to Spencer’s apartment they unload and put away all of the groceries.

After showering and changing, Y/N is in Spencer’s kitchen making fried rice. He gets out of the shower using a towel to dry his hair when he turns the corner and sees her there cooking. “That smells good.” He says coming up behind her. “Of course it does. I’m sure you’re unfamiliar with the smell of home cooked food in this apartment.” She laughs out. “I might not be a good cook but you have cooked here enough that I am familiar with it. You have told me enough about eating real food.” He says mimicking hand gestures she has done before. She turns around facing him and wraps her arms around his shoulders and he places his hands on her waist. Y/N’s smile is beaming at Spencer. She is so happy with him even when he is being overprotective and a condescending know it all. “What’s that look?” He asks. “I just realized something.” “Are you going to tell me what or keep this new found knowledge to yourself?” He asks. “I think I’ll keep this to myself just for a little while. Okay?” She says, smile getting brighter than she thought possible. “Okay.” “Alright let’s eat.” After finishing their dinner they are discussing what they should watch. “One episode of Doctor Who, just one.” Spencer pleads. “Fine” She mumbled, flopping back on his bed. He jumps on the bed hovering over her with excitement. “Really?” He asks. “Yea. It’ll make you happy and you’re extremely persistent so…” He leans down placing kisses all over her face. She starts giggling, breaking into full laughter. “This is going to be so amazing. You’ll love it ok I’ll be right back.” He says before jumping out of the bed and running out of the room. He comes back with the first season box set of Doctor Who, “Ok this is the original Doctor Who that aired from 1963 until 1966, he explains.” “Oh this is going to be a journey.” Y/N responds. “There are only one hundred and fifty eight episodes in the original Doctor who. You have watched two hundred and fifty three episodes of the twilight zone multiple times.” “It’s the twilight zone, you can’t knock the twilight zone.” She argues. “Your arguments make no sense.” He says sitting down next to her waiting for the title screen to show up. “Are you ready?” He asks “As I will ever be.” and he starts the first episode. Two hours later Y/N is asleep with her head in Spencer’s lap as the credits for the fourth episode scroll across the screen. “You weren’t supposed to fall asleep.” he chuckles in a whisper moving the hair out of her face. He slides his legs out from under her, moving her to lay on the other side of the bed before going to the other side lying beside her.

Y/N is standing in a ditch with Morgan. It's quiet, unsettling quiet considering they are outside and there is no buzzing of bugs. The air is still Morgan’s mouth is moving but no sound comes out. She sees him walking up the steep slope out of the ditch so she follows. When they reach the top she sees Morgan looking around. What is he looking for? And then she feels it no pain just the impact it was almost like she got punched but there is no one there. Then it happened again she couldn’t react. It was all happening too fast. She can feel something shaking her, a faint voice calling out to her, her surroundings shift around her fading into darkness. She opens her eyes, it's blurry and dark she can feel that her face is wet. She can hear someone talking to her faintly, it’s getting louder. “Y/N ssh, it was just a bad dream. It’s just a dream, it isn’t real.” Spencer is talking to her holding her face in his hands trying to wipe away the tears as they fall. She tries to talk but it comes out as a crying whimper she can feel the back of her throat closing as she begins to heave out shallow breaths. Spencer is trying to get her to sit up to take deeper breaths but she can’t get her body to move feeling paralyzed. Seeing no other option Spencer lifts her up setting her back against the headboard of the bed. “Lift your arms above your head. It will help with the breathing. Deep breaths in through the nose and out through the mouth as slowly as you can.” Spencer says helping her raise her arms and trying to keep her as calm as possible. A few minutes later her crying hadn’t completely ceased but she was breathing at a more regular pace and had regained more control over her body. “I’m going to go get you some water. I’ll be right back.” It was a statement but he still waits until she nods before hurrying out of the room not wanting to leave her alone for too long. When he gets back into the room she seems calmer wiping the tears from her eyes breathing evening out. He comes to sit down in front of her glass of water in hand. “I’m sorry.” She whispers, voice horse from the crying, it was the first clear thing she had said since waking up. “It’s okay you have nothing to be sorry about.” He says, he moves to set the water down on the nightstand. “I didn’t know your nightmares had gotten this bad.” His voice is low. She attempts to clear her throat but it is so dry from the crying she picks up the water to take a drink. “I don’t… I don’t think it was a nightmare. I think it was a memory.” She says hand going up to rub the scar, it was a bad habit she had developed but Spencer has seen her do it enough times that his hand immediately goes to grab hers pulling it away. “What is the memory of?” He asks. She can see it so vividly but all of the information isn’t there. “Um.. I was in a ditch with Morgan at a crime scene I think but there wasn’t any sound and when we left we got to the top..” She trails off not wanting to say what happened next. “You got shot?” He asks, he knows what happens next or rather what happened next that day he heard Morgan tell the other side of that story. She nods in response not sure if the words would even come out. Spencer moves so that he is sitting by her side and wraps an arm around her ushering her body closer to his. “What can I do?” He asks. “Just talk please about anything.” He can do that, the team hates when Spencer rambles on about whatever random topic presents itself but even before Y/N would follow along listening intently usually adding in her own tidbits. “The “Windy City” name has nothing to do with Chicago weather. The term was actually coined by a nineteenth century journalist who referred to the fact that it’s residents were “full of hot air”... No number before one thousand contains the letter “A”... Cap’n Crunch’s full name is Horatio Magellan Crunch and it had been pointed out that he only has the bars of a Navy commander but the company held its ground stating that captaining the S.S. Guppy with his crew makes him an official Cap’n in any book...” “The fictional character of the worst cereal ever made is arguing the legitimacy of his rank?” She interrupts. “He is a Cap’n and his cereal is great. We can have a bowl now to prove it.” “Ripping my gums and the roof of my mouth to shreds eating cereal is going to be a hard pass for me.” She says she hasn’t moved but she is more relaxed than before. “Do you want to talk?” He asks “What about?” “The dream” “There wasn’t more to it than what I already told you.” She says. “How many times have you had that dream? Or memory? Is that why you haven’t been sleeping?” Y/N bites her lip avoiding his eyes and with a deep sigh, “None of the memories have been that clear before so I’m not sure but it might be the reason.” She says. “I’m sorry you remembered that.” He says, “It was traumatic which might be why it came through so clearly.” She turns burying her head in the crook of his neck, mumbling incoherently. Spencer pulls her in closer hugging her tighter. “How does ice cream sound?” He asks. “Sounds like a good idea” She continues mumbling into his neck making him laugh but neither makes a move to get out of the bed. “Should I go get the ice cream and come back to bed?” He asks, rubbing circles on her back. She lifts her head to look at him. “No, I know you hate it when I eat in bed lets go.” She says grabbing the throw blanket from the bottom on the bed wrapping it around herself. Spencer follows her to the kitchen. “Cone or bowl?” He asks. “We should have gotten waffle bowls, it's the best of both worlds.” She begins to pout, “Bowl, please” Spencer takes out two bowls placing them on the counter scooping a generous amount of ice cream into each bowl sitting one in front of her. She stares down at the bowl slowly spooning ice cream into her mouth. She looks up and furrows her eyebrows seeing Spencer staring at her. “What” She asks, licking ice cream from her lips. Spencer blushes a deep red having been caught staring lost in a fantasy. “Um… nothing sorry.” “Seriously, what’s up?” “Really it’s nothing, just a little distracted.” He explains. “By me eating ice cream. Why would that be distracting?” She asks, sticking another scoop into her mouth while humming.” Spencer’s pupils dilate, his breathing becomes heavy and he licks his lips. “Oh” Y/N chuckles, breaking into full laughter, if her smile and laughter wasn’t so beautiful he might have been upset about it. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to laugh, it was just unexpected.” She continues to giggle. “It’s ok I’m just glad you feel better.” She scoops another spoonful into her mouth keeping eye contact with Spencer while licking the ice cream off the spoon. “Oh come on.” Spencer groans at the sight and Y/N starts laughing loudly. “Is there something you would like to discuss?” She laughs with a wink, she gets up walking over to Spencer getting as close as possible without touching him looking up at him. “I can’t say I’ve ever seen anyone react to ice cream like that?” “Are you trying to kill me?” He asks. “We hunt killers if I want to kill you. I know how to do it.” She teases. “That was rhetorical” “I know” Spencer leans down to kiss her, it is a sweet kiss he places his hands on her waist pulling her closer to him. “ You taste sweet.” He says, pulling back from the kiss. “You do too.” “What do you say we go back to bed?” “What are you implying, Dr. Reid?” “Words from a wise woman I need to sleep more and I suggest that you get more sleep as well.” He says placing a kiss to the top of her head. “Look at you taking self care seriously. So back to bed?” “So long as you’re okay with it.” “And what about the nightmares?” “I’ll be there to keep you safe.” Spencer says.

Taglist:

@itsmyblogandillreblogifiwantto @groovygoob

#spencer reid #spencer reid x oc #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid fic #spencer reid fanfiction #reader insert #Female reader #x reader #criminal minds #fluff

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anastasiaoftheironwood · 3 years ago

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Maintenance Schedules Also Apply to Humans

A friend who works in IT support sent me this photo:

[Image description: A photo of a sign reading, "Warning: If you don't schedule time for maintenance, your equipment will schedule it for you."]

This is true of any kind of equipment—a car, a bulldozer, an Airbus A380, your coffee maker. Also, your body and your psyche.

We're constantly encouraged to engage in self-care, which is good. I am 100% in favor of self-care. The things you do for yourself to keep yourself healthy and happy are important. Many people have trouble with finding healthy forms of self-care, and it can take a lot of work to sort them out. (I am one of those people.)

Part of self-care is basic maintenance, which many of us also struggle with in ways that we don't with other forms of self-care. I am good about giving myself nice things (ask me about my stationery collection!), and not so good about taking care of my body.

Part of it is that it's just So.Much.Work. What do you mean we need to eat? We ate earlier today. (Eight hours ago).

What do you mean we have to drink more water? We had water earlier. (Two hours ago.)

What do you mean we need to sleep? We slept yesterday. (Poorly, and for only six hours.)

We have to go to the dentist? We did that last year. And we had a physical last year, too. We have to do it again this year?

I really want to have a long talk with whoever thought that entrusting me with the responsibility to care for this mortal coil was a good idea.

And yet, I know that when I don't take care of my body, nothing else is going to work well. Further, if I really lose track of this maintenance, I become quite ill and non-functional until I have given my body what it needs (usually rest, and some proper food) and it feels ready to function again.

While I've never worked myself into a coma (a colleague of a colleague did, which was a jarring experience for all of us, including the person who lapsed into the coma), I have worked myself to the point of exhaustion a number of times in my adult life. This manifests as an intense flu that prevents me from getting out of bed until my body is ready to. It doesn't matter how much my brain tries to convince my body that we really do have to get up and do things, my body is not going to do it, and so all I can do is sleep until I am able to get out of bed without falling over. This takes somewhere between four and seven days. I don't have four to seven days to lose to being ill, so I try to take care of my body, with varying degrees of success. I have learned some things, though—it has been over ten years since I've had to take to my bed and stay there involuntarily for more than a day due to poor maintenance. Still not perfect, but I am learning.

(We are not going to mention that three years ago, when I went to the dentist, I was 14 years overdue for my six month check-up.)

I try to view this maintenance with the same sense of responsibility I have towards my car. It needs gas; I need food and water. It needs to run regularly so the engine doesn't get funky; I need to exercise, or at least get up from my desk and walk around regularly, so I do not become chair-shaped. It needs its oil changed and brakes checked and hoses replaced; I need to have my annual physical and blood work, and see the dentist regularly.

I find this easy to do for my car, but am still practicing doing it for myself. Even though the reminders to make the various appointments are on my calendar the right times, it's too easy to say, "I'm too busy, I'll deal with it next week"—and then suddenly, I haven't seen the dentist for 14 years.

The day-to-day piece is still the most challenging. I don't want to take the time to eat, to move, to sleep; I feel too much pressure to Do All The Things for my day job, my household maintenance, my community, my friends, and my own pursuits.

I know the consequences if I don't eat properly, move a reasonable amount, and sleep enough. Most days, that knowledge propels me in the general direction of right action, but there are still days where I feel overwhelmed by it all. It's too hard to figure out what to eat: this has too many calories, that has too many carbs, the other thing has too many food miles, I should eat more vegetables—there are endless reasons I can come up with not to eat, and unless my blood sugar starts falling, I can keep rationalizing myself out of eating to a rather dangerous point. Not only is this bad for my blood sugar, it adds to the problems I have managing my weight, so I've then given myself One More Thing To Deal With, which is the exact opposite of what I was trying to do.

Sometimes I can catch myself, and get back on track, and manage to approximate a reasonable level of maintenance—eat somewhat sensibly, move around, and go to bed when I first notice I'm tired, instead of pushing myself to keep going.

Other days, well, it's after midnight, and I'm eating Nutella out of a jar with a knife while sorting laundry and doing triage on my to-do list.

So, the next day, I refocus, and make one small change to turn myself back towards a healthier way of being.

If at first you don't succeed, try again.

#self-care #mental health #maintenance

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naturaldisasterfanfiction · 4 years ago

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35. Part 2

I kind of figured Chris hasn’t left as of yet, he drags his feet with a lot of things “Dennis, go with him. Document everything, these recordings stop once we go to California. Chris he documents everything, I am not having that bitch cry we stole her son, you keep those messages, you get every ounce of evidence that she ditched her son on us. She is not being civil, and honestly. You’re going to be late either way, do you even know this friend?” Dennis rushed by me, I guess to gather his stuff “I don’t know, I know the gate number and stuff. I will save it all, but I could literally just take him back Robyn. Then you don’t have to deal with it, we need to go Cali?” shaking my head “just bring him here, we will deal with it after that. You are taking him back for you to argue with her in front of him, you’re sending your son crazy. Think on how you felt and knew things that went on, just bring him here and then we deal with it” hearing Fenty cry in the living room “but then you are stressed out?” I laughed, when am I not “and we deal with it” that is all we can do “bring him back here Chris, I think we need to create a normal environment, try and not speak on the negative, speak on positives. He is coming to see his dad, ok?” my mom and her supportive words “ok then” I need to go and see to Fenty, she is crying her eyes out now “Chris, you go now as soon as Dennis comes down. Don’t leave him waiting” rushing off to see to my daughter “I was coming to you, I think she wants the nipple in her mouth” Mel said, side eying her “Robyn getting her nipples out again? She was born for this” taking Fenty from Mel, shushing Fenty as I took her from Mel “shut up Jah” placing Fenty over my shoulder “did I lie? I am shocked how big your boobs have become or is it fat?” walking by Jah but kicking him as I did “ouch!” he spat “you deserve that, you just never shut up” sitting down on the couch, Fenty is ready for milk and sleep now.

Jen laughed at Fenty’ face “she is in a milk coma, that milk got some crack in it” looking at Fenty’ grumpy face, she is not amused that I am rubbing her back but she needs to let that burp out “I think it’s weed, I miss it so much. Must be weed, look how calm she becomes, she like her momma. Need the weed but I can’t wait to just drink and get high, it’s boring being good. Eating healthy too, chile. I want that greasy food” rolling my eyes “Robyn, your trainer” letting out an oh, why did Tina let him in “ohh he’s here” Jah likes him, he is a handsome British man, I must admit “good morning” he said, his accent just hits “morning, I was supposed to cancel today. Sit down” I gestured, Chris didn’t want him but I persuaded him because even though he is handsome he is really good at what he does “cancel me? Rihanna, I see the difference in your body if we continue” I wish Chris had that accent at times “just Rihanna boo? What about her sketch book husband? You not into a mans body?” Jah said, he is a whore “he is doing great too but Rihanna, she is” he laughed “I’m just amazing, I know” I finished off for him “but I can’t today, Chris and I can’t something really came up and we need to deal with it but I am sorry” I apologised “it’s ok, I have bought over some of the prep meals for you both anyways so it’s not a wasted journey but please keep up with what we are doing, but I personally think you look great like this” I laughed out “you do but so do I boo” resting Fenty back down “well I guess I will get going, nice seeing you all this morning” Jah breathed out “how can you not think he is a god” his thirsty ass.

I would check on Chris, but I need him to use his own brain with things, he is a grown adult, and he knows what is right and wrong, he honestly needs to learn a lot “what are you thinking?” Mel asked me “this could really work in Chris’ favour to get full custody” I admitted what is the truth “but I don’t think Chris will push for it, but I am not a bad person. I don’t believe in what she is doing, she is punishing Chris but is actually punishing her son. She is an actual idiot, she has her biggest blessing right there in front of her, she doesn’t even see it. But I think I jinxed myself” I laughed “we laughed it off too, a man with kids was never the best but you love him, so you learn to love. You must be nervous” blowing out air all wide eyed “I am just thinking what the fuck do I do; I know what it is like to have half siblings and seeing the other woman. You know, just knowing that feeling I know that child will feel a type of way. Chris is just as stupid; I think he just doesn’t think. His action is throw him back when he is suffering. He is four, of course he understands. We can only work it out once he arrives and then we take it from there” I am nervous about this.

So much is going through my mind right now, I am angry for the most part, but she really just did this to me. Like she couldn’t have just waited and let us come to an agreement. She just didn’t like that Robyn cut her off the way she did, the way Robyn has taken over which I don’t mind. She does not like no for an answer and the no was the money part, she threw my son to me. The thing is, I just feel like Robyn is going to end up telling me she can’t take this anymore. Always my shit coming to the door, I feel like I did when my mom made me go to New Jersey alone, shit hurt me, but I was much older than him “Chris!” Dennis shouted me, looking up seeing the green light. I am shocked nobody honked at me “yeah” I said as I drove off slowly, tears are actually pricking my eyes, this doesn’t feel nice, I am hurting for him, I am hurting because I know how it feels. At the time I was so happy to go, get out of VA but when I look back at it, it was because she couldn’t handle me, she wanted me out. Not even my dad stopped it and look at that. I was so fucked up “are you ok?” Dennis asked me “uh, I guess” I smiled, smile through it but like my son is literally going through what I went through and it’s hurting me way more then I thought, the reason I said I would take him back because I don’t want to drag Robyn into this, I don’t want to ruin my marriage to Robyn, she means too much to me, it’s hitting me that I do care, this whole thing shouldn’t have happened, it really shouldn’t have and my only son didn’t deserve.

Robyn ain’t lying, London Traffic got me fucked up and I am already feeling highly angry about everything. Shit is just sinking in “are you ok to like answer some things for the camera or not?” Dennis asked “we are in traffic” nodding my head “sorry if I am quiet just in deep thought” I really don’t want my son to end up like me, I don’t want that and now I am scared to think that he will end up like that “where we going?” Dennis asked, looking over at Dennis. Clearing my throat “stuck in London traffic right now, trying to get to the airport to pick up my son. I for one didn’t ask for this to happen but like I want people to understand that it’s not always just me, the mother of my child decided that she can’t afford to keep my son but the real deal is that she is doing it to upset me, she has put my son on a flight here claiming she can’t afford him but I just checked and she is on a flight to California, so you telling me you can’t afford it? I am trying to take her to court and stuff, just things like this take me back to a lot and it’s like a repeat of my life, I got one son, and this is what is happening. I am just emotional right now” seeing traffic moving slowly, I slowly drove off “nobody really cares about me, like they going to see this, and they will still point that I am bad, I did this. I am trying my best and I can’t contact the baby mother or the friend that has my son, I don’t even know this lady. I am like twenty minutes late; I just hope he is there waiting for me. I think with the traffic here, we gonna end up being even later” rubbing my head.

“Wait up for me” Dennis said as I jogged into Heathrow, busy as ever and I am being stared at “departure gate yeah?” I looked to Dennis “should be yes” Terminal three, terminal fucking three like I fucking know “hey, hi. You work here, I really need to get to Terminal three. Flight came in from Germany. It was an hour ago?” I asked the worker, she looked at me all wide eyed “yes, but you have come the wrong way in, you need to leave the airport. This is long haul. Leave the doors, turn left, follow the path right to the end. Enter the doors go straight down and then on the right. That is where the short haul flights come, you will be there” I breathed out as I turned around, seeing the cameras in my face, Dennis slowly put his camera down. I mean I am not shocked, but here we are “not right now, thank you” walking off, walking around the people but of course I mean they will follow me “go, go!” Dennis pushed behind me as I started to run off, I mean I don’t want to be flooded with fans chasing me “stop laughing” I shouted, Dennis is laughing behind me but it’s a crazy ass situation to be in.

I breathed out seeing this woman, I don’t know her, and my son sat next to her. I can notice that ashy blonde hair from here, this has really scared me. I don’t even know this person, she could have took him. Slowly walking over to them, walking around the seating area. It is ever so quiet here, they have been waiting a while. He has his head down staring at his legs as he kicked them in the air, just waiting patiently “I am so sorry” I apologised, Aeko looked up “hey little man, I am here” his face lit up as he got off the seating area and made his way to me with his backpack on “dad” picking him up as he held me “yes, I am here now” holding him close “sorry I took so long” his little arms wrapped around my neck, I feel choked up “are you ok?” I am just glad he is ok, like nothing happened to him “I sit on plane, look” he pointed at the window “yeah, big planes” placing Aeko down on the ground “you’re here now” the lady said “I am here yes, where my son stuff?” the lady doesn’t want to be on the camera clearly she is hiding away from it “she just gave me the backpack, I fed him” my face softened “huh? What do you mean? No clothes, no nothing!? Like you being deadass!? Nothing?” I said in anger “dad I got blankie” Aeko said “you are joking, who the fuck are you!?” I shouted, Dennis held my arm “let’s just go, come we got him now” I swear I am fucking angry; I am going to kill that bitch, she is fucking dead to me.

I am so angry, like I am shaking the fuck angry. Dragging the back door open “he needs a car seat” Dennis said behind me “of course he does, Dennis sit in the back with him. Aeko get in the car” what else can I do, there is no car seat, I can’t just click my fingers “I need you to be good now, you need to sit still and listen to Dennis, or I will be trouble for not having you a car seat” watching Aeko climb all on my backseat “help me” he said, leaning down and into the car “here” helping him take off his backpack “sit down now” moving back, unzipping his backpack to see what is inside this shit “I want my blankie” pulling out the blankie, there is a water bottle and his tablet and that is it “fucking great” I am so angry “just strap him in” Dennis took the backpack from me “we have eyes” leaning inside the car “I do it” so he says “go on then” he can barely do it so I clicked him in “there we go” placing the belt that goes across his chest behind him “you too small for that right now, just hold tight” moving back and closing the car door “I am pissed, like I am just ready to go off. Thank god I don’t have social media, I am angry. He has nothing” Dennis sighed out “that is a pretty messed up, I think we should maybe go back first” Dennis is right.

We stopped over at a gas station because Aeko needed to pee, I didn’t want him to pee himself when he has just these clothes “you like my car?” watching him look around himself as he sat on the hood of my car “here” looking behind me “thanks” taking the bottle of water from Dennis “I got you this” Dennis held out a packet of gummy bears to him, made me smile because I got my gummy bear at home “what you say Aeko?” he is just staring at Dennis, not even a movement to take the candy, he just put his head down “it’s just Dennis, he’s nice. Look” taking the candy from Dennis “here it’s yours, say thank you to Dennis too” placing it on Aeko’ lap “I want mommy” he mumbled “you don’t want to be with me?” I asked, he is grown, he knows “mommy say you have to be here with me, I promise I will make it fun” Aeko looked up at me “why?” a question I wish I could tell the truth about “to spend time with you, we going to have fun. Promise” he doesn’t seem amused “did mommy say anything? Do you remember anything she said to you?” I would like to know “I cry on plane, mommy cry too. She doesn’t like me” furrowing my eyebrows “she does, you will see her soon” I swear I want to cuss the bitch out so much.

Opening the car door “you already unbuckled yourself out huh, naughty. Get your blankie” stepping back so he can get out of the car, I want to kick off but I can’t with Aeko just watching me, he’s not stupid and he knows about emotions and shit “welcome to your new home” closing the car door “my bag!” he jumped grabbing the backpack “you can put it on” he really cares about this bag, helping him with the backpack. Aeko is dragging his feet quietly “he is ever so quiet” Dennis said “yeah, well he about to be shocked. Jah is loud as shit on his own” grabbing his arm as I walked towards the home, Aeko be walking too slow “you think he knows who Rihanna is?” good question actually “I guess we will find out, I am not sure at all” it sounds bad but I am unsure if his habits altogether but I do know he is quiet as hell so we shall see, I hope he is ok mentally anyways. Walking into the home “doggy!” Aeko yelped out “yeah, you know Zeus. He is here” letting Aeko’ arm go, Zeus knew Aeko and went over to him as as my son petted him with a smile “he remembers you, see. You missed him” I said smiling, it’s nice to see my son smiling “good boy doggy!” he sounds so sweet “hey” looking away from Aeko and seeing Robyn “I am angry, that dumb broad gave him nothing, he has nothing!” I spat “you’re kidding right?” shaking my head stepping to the side “nothing!” I spat; Robyn looked at Aeko. My son shyed away from Zeus and moved to be next to me instead “shall we go in the second living room, just us” nodding my head, picking Aeko up before he starts dragging his feet again.

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