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BDSMaid - Chapter 9
Series Summary: In order to save money for law school, you accept a job working as a maid for high end clients. You aren’t supposed to know whose home you’re cleaning, but your curiosity is peaked by your first client, and when the two of you have a shocking and surprising run in more than just your curiosity peaks. Word Count: 5k CW: see small red lettering below the cut AN: I'm going to miss them!! I'm absolutely heartbroken that I'm done, but so fucking proud of myself for what I've created. Thank you to @lotusbxtch for being my beta from pretty much the very beginning. I am so grateful to you and so honoured (yes, with a u because I'm Canadian lol) to call you my friend. Also little shoutouts to @for-a-longlongtime, @alltheirdamn, @mermaidgirl30 and @littlevenicebitch69 for listening to me go on about them for 80% of 2024. As always, graphics and dividers by @saradika-graphics
My Masterlist || Series Masterlist
TW: unprotected p in v, one spank, multiple orgasms and Overstim hinted at, pining, heartbreak
Eight Months Later
Joel
“I got yelled at by a feisty brunette last night at that gala,” Tommy says as the two of them sip whiskey at the bar of the club.
“Probably deserved it.” Joel deadpans and closes the folder of invoices he’s looking over.
He should be doing this in his fancy, and newly renovated, office across the street. He was in the large office for all of three minutes the day after you left when he could only see the ghost of you. From the chair you sat in when you first asked him to teach you how to be a sub, to the door he pinned you against and confessed how out of his mind he was over you, everything was you, and it had to go if he had any chance of following what you needed from him. Joel hasn’t even been in his room at the club out of the fear of what it would do to him. Would I still be able to smell the lavender of her shampoo in there? Still be able to hear her beautiful cries of pleasure and pain bouncing off the walls?
“She thought I was you,” Tommy says, glancing over at his brother and interrupting Joel’s impending spiral.
Joel sighs, slipping his reading glasses from his face before taking a long pull of the amber liquor from his crystal glass. Tommy looks straight ahead as he continues.
“She’s doing great, by the way. Or at least that’s what her friend said when she was scolding me.”
Joel winces at his words, “Of course she is, Tommy.” Even though it's been almost a year since you left, just the mention of you rips his barely-mended heart back in half. It doesn’t seem to matter how much time passes, he still feels like he did in his kitchen.
The very fibers of his being ache just as hard for you now as they did then. He longs to see you and touch you, to feel your warm, soft skin under his hands again. Anyone before you was always, ‘Yes, Mister Miller,’ even when they weren’t in a scene; but not you. You weren’t afraid to be curious and unapologetically yourself. He hasn’t laughed as hard with anyone, including Tiffany, as he did with you. But the part that he misses the most is the way you look at him the first time you see him. Your eyes soften, velvety pink lips parting slightly before they curl into a smile that makes his heart hammer behind his ribs. Then, he watches your shoulders relax and it makes him feel like he hung the moon and stars for you, and if he could have, he would have.
He clears his throat and then rasps, “She’s too smart to not be doing well.”
Tommy stands, bringing his hands to rub at Joel's shoulders. He squeezes his tense deltoid muscles and with a hint of mischief in his voice he says, “Lots of pretty girls here tonight if you feel like moving on.”
Joel shakes his head and pulls away from Tommy’s grasp with a grunt. “Never gonna happen. Get outta here before you get yelled at two nights in a row.”
“Just too bad for me that you aren’t a hot brunette,” Tommy says with a laugh.
“I have brown hair,” Joel replies defensively, running his fingers through the grown out curls.
“Not to kick you when you’re down, but it’s mostly grey at this point.”
Joel holds up a single finger at Tommy over his shoulder as he laughs and walks away.
Two and a half years later
You
You’ve been up to your eyeballs in studying as you prepare for your finals. These last few years in California have been the hardest yet most fulfilling time of your life. Two nights in a row now, you’ve fallen asleep in the library, only waking when your Spotify would switch from the white noise playlist you use to help you focus, to your “getting ready” playlist. After dragging yourself to your dorm room in the dead of the night, you’d get a few restless hours of sleep before heading right back to your favourite studying spot. You can’t believe that in just a few short weeks you’ll be graduating and stepping into the life you’ve always envisioned for yourself.
The unmistakable FaceTime jingle fills your AirPods. Jamie’s name is splayed across the screen of your phone, along with a photo of the two of you at Albany Beach when she visited this past Christmas break. You put your highlighter down and slide the answer toggle over.
“Hey!” She says, her warm smile shining up at you. You squint, trying to place where she is. You don’t often let yourself think of Joel, but the cracks across your screen make FaceTiming difficult, and the selfish side of you always wishes you had grabbed that new phone before you left. Your head cocks to the side; broken screen or not, you don’t recognize the background.
“Where are you?” You ask.
“Oh, I’m good, thanks. How are you?” She jests with a mocking eye roll. “I’m at a cabin.”
“What cabin?” You say, glaring at her jokingly. A deep laugh comes from the otherside of the phone and your eyes widen. “Who’s that?”
The man's voice comes from offscreen, “I can’t believe you thought she wouldn’t ask where you were. She’s going to be a lawyer, for god's sake.”
“Jamie, who is that? What is going on here? Blink twice if you need rescuing!” You joke.
Jamie blushes, looking over the phone at whoever that voice is coming from. “I just wanted to call to see how the studying is going, and to let you know that I got the graduation tickets.”
A glass of white wine appears in front of Jamie and she smiles before puckering her lips in a kissing motion towards the man in the room with her. “Ok, seriously, who the fuck is that and where are you?”
“I was also calling to let you know that Laren can’t make it anymore and Odette is in New York,” she takes a small sip of her wine.
“Oh, well that’s ok,” you say, trying to squash the disappointment and hoping it doesn’t show in your voice or face. You wished that at least two of your three best friends would be there for you. “It can just be me and you, baby!”
“Well…I’m wondering if I could maybe bring my boyfriend? Might be a good opportunity for you two to meet.”
“What? What boyfriend?” You say, officially abandoning all study materials until you get some answers. Jamie raises a perfectly manicured finger and calls the mystery man over.
You swallow hard as Tommy Miller appears beside her.
Jamie glances up at him, her bright green eyes full of admiration, his mirroring hers. The starry look in their eyes tells you everything you need to know; they’re so far gone for that even a search and rescue team wouldn’t be able to save them. She looks back at you. “Meet again, I guess.”
You try to push for answers, but either of them give in, claiming you need to focus on finals. Before you hang up, Jamie promises to tell you the entire story when you see each other next. You’re happy for your friend, especially seeing the way Tommy looked back at her. Even through your cracked screen you could see the love, but as you try to go back to studying you have a hollow feeling in your stomach.
Graduation Day
You
The late afternoon sun fills your dorm room, boxes of your belongings stacked haphazardly around you. After walking the stage tonight, you are going out to dinner with Jamie and Tommy, and then he has paid for a hotel suite so the two of you can have a girls’ night. You can’t wait to hear how Tommy went from, in Jamie’s previous words, “my dad’s new asshole friend” to her boyfriend.
You step in front of your floor length mirror, zipping up the black graduation gown over your knee length, form fitting, deep emerald velvet dress. The California sun has been good to you, your tanned legs and sunkissed nose and cheeks are glowing. You place your blue and yellow Berkeley Law stole over your head and then grab your cap, ensuring the ‘Class of ‘28’ tassel is secure. You fluff your curls one last time as a light knock comes from your door.
“Ready to graduate, gorgeous?” Ronan smiles at you, eyes trailing down your gown. He’s the type of handsome that’s almost painful to look at, but more importantly - you wouldn’t have made it through these last three years without him. You met the first day - the lock on your door wasn’t working, and he waltzed in on you half naked when he mistook your room as his.
You smile at him in your doorway now; remembering the way you screamed at him that first time, trying to cover your chest, and him scrambling to close the door. His eyes were clamped shut, and he slammed his finger so hard that you had to take him for stitches. Now, several years later, he fills out his graduation gown perfectly with those wide rugby shoulders, a sight you couldn’t even have imagined back then. Whichever angel made him didn’t make a single mistake - he’s tall and insanely broad, with dark sandy blonde hair, and clover green eyes that in the right light are a golden hazel. He’s easily one of the smartest men you’ve ever met and an incredible athlete. The cherry on top, because of course there’s more: he’s an international student and has a panty-melting Irish accent.
“Beyond ready. Let's become lawyers, babe.”
He steps aside, one arm out in a ‘ladies first’ gesture. Handsome, charming, and thoughtful - a dangerous trifecta. You slide your hand in the crook of his muscle-lined arm and walk across campus together.
Ronan jerks his head towards the coffee cart. “Remember when you spilled your entire coffee on your new puffer jacket?”
You glare up at him, you saved for weeks to buy that jacket. “No, but I remember you throwing up in that trash can after the Halloween party last year.”
“Well, if Beach Party Barbie had helped Lifeguard Ken with all those shots we wouldn’t have had that problem, would we?” You laugh as Ronan puffs out his chest, but you both know he was more than willing to take your half of the ‘Best Couples Costume' shots.
Finally, you reach the courtyard where the law students will be walking across a stage that acts as the symbolic bridge to the rest of their lives. I’m a lawyer, you think to yourself and try to force a smile. The magnitude of the day only really starts to sink into your bones as you see the friends and families of your classmates start to take their seats. The excited feeling you had earlier starts to morph. You’re proud of yourself for what you’ve done these last three years, and this was just the first step. You have so much to look forward to, so why do you feel a sense of dread building in the pit of your stomach?
Ronan walks you to where you need to line up alphabetically, kissing your cheek and then, after leaning in and placing his large hand on your lower back, he whispers a joke about how you better not trip. You glance around the thick crowd for Jamie and Tommy. After realizing it’s hopeless to try and spot them in a group this large, you slip your cap over your hair and get in the procession line.
You try to soak in every minute of the day, from the speeches to the birds chirping in the background, but something akin to loss flutters at the base of your spine. You’re just as sad to be leaving Berkely as you are excited to carve out your future. Leaving here isn’t what’s causing you to feel this way, however. You try to tell yourself that maybe it’s just nerves; even with all the job offers coming in from your internships, it’s normal to be nervous about what comes next.
As the student union president gives his toast to the family and friends, you look down at your lap, pushing back the cuticle on your left thumb. Maybe it’s leaving Ronan. He’s been an anchor for you, grounding you almost every day of the last three years and you don’t know how you let yourself become this dependent on anyone, especially a man, again.
You shake your head at yourself and try to move your focus to the cuticle on your other thumb. Seeing the skin clean from the nail bed eases the tension slightly for you. ‘I’m allowed to be nervous when leaning on people, but not everyone will leave me,’ you recite almost automatically in your mind, the mantra you’ve had these past few years whenever you feel yourself getting this anxious. Just as you finish the thought, a car revs in the distance and the realization of what - or who - you’re actually missing slams through you so hard that you almost feel winded. Your lungs ache, tears pushing behind your eyes as his name rings loudly through your mind.
Joel.
You kept yourself busy since the minute you left Austin. The busier you were, the less time you had to focus on the void in your heart. During the school year, you didn’t have to find things to stay busy with; law school nearly chewed you up and spit you out. Over the summers, you worked as an intern and visited your friends. There was never a quiet moment, never too much time alone with your thoughts, and it was better this way. You can confidently say that you’d only thought of Joel six times since you walked out of his house that day: when you fell asleep on the beach and were so sunburnt you could barely move for three days; when you failed your first test; when your rusted SUV, that acted as your ticket to freedom at eighteen, died on the freeway in rush hour (from that point on you had to rely on public transportation to get you to the homes you cleaned). When you experienced your first earthquake; when you stayed up for forty-two hours straight after your partner in a group project didn’t have their side of the work done; and, lastly, this past New Year’s Eve when you were in Austin and thought you saw him at a party.
“Is he here?”, that little box of feelings that you shut away in a vault long ago wonders. “Has anything changed for him in the last three years?”
The small smile that pulls at your cheeks, and the excited flutter of your heart when you think about the possibility of seeing him again, proves that maybe nothing has changed for you. As the minutes tick by, your mind races with all the possible scenarios for after the ceremony. What if he is here? What will you say? What will he say? How will Ronan react, you know he has strong feelings about what happened between you and Joel. Even worse though, what if he’s not here? But maybe he’s at the hotel where Tommy and Jamie are staying?
Before you know it, your row is standing and walking single file towards the stage. With each strike of your high-heeled strappy sandals against the concrete, a memory of Joel floods your system. The toast he made you in his kitchen, the kiss in that dimly lit hallway on your birthday, the way he walked you through his club and how calmly he talked about you being in charge before going into the voyeur room. The multitude of orgasms he gave you within the four walls of his private room. Him singing on the small stage of the dive bar you found, followed by him spanking you right there in the bathroom with his hand clamped to your face to keep you quiet. His strong hand grasping your thigh as he drove you to his house. The way he tasted on your tongue. The smell of his skin: all ash and leather, occasionally mixed with whiskey or mint. The feel of his body: hard, broad and hot. His shuddered breaths as he confessed so many things in so few words.
‘It’s only you, sweet girl.’
‘Just call me Joel.’
‘I know, and I’m so proud of you, sweet girl.’
You carefully walk up the stairs, forcing the thoughts of Joel from your mind, just in time to hear your name announced as a graduate of Berkeley Law. You float across the stage, grabbing the piece of paper that acts as your degree until the real one comes, shaking the hand of the Dean who flips your tassel before you walk to the stairs on the other side; the stairs that symbolize the ending of your time here and the beginning of the rest of your life.
As you reach the top of the steps, you look out into the audience and see Jamie. She pumps her fist in the air and before you can process the empty seat beside her, you feel it; a strong tug from behind your navel. It takes you less than a heartbeat to find him and the sight before you floods your body with a familiar warmth. Standing under a large tree at the edge of the audience, dressed in all black, and holding his Stetson hat to his heart, is Joel. For the first time in years you feel whole again.
You keep your gaze on him, worried that if you so much as blink that he’ll be gone. You are supposed to follow your classmates, but you veer left, walking towards Joel. The closer you get, the more at ease you feel. He’s real, you think, he’s here. You stop a foot or so in front of him.
“Hi, Freckles,” he whispers, his voice cracking slightly. His eyes dance around your face, almost as if he’s trying to memorize this moment. You can’t help but wonder if he’s feeling exactly how you are.
“Hi, Sweet Cheeks,” you say, the same tremble in your voice, as you try desperately to hold it together. “You’re here.”
He nods and you give him a tight-lipped smile as your mind races. There’s so much you want to say, but now that he’s standing right there in front of you after three years, you don’t know where to start.
Joel breaks the silence, jutting his chin in the direction of the other graduates as he says, “I saw you come in with your boyfriend. When I saw you kiss, I was going to leave, but I made you a promise.”
You knit your eyebrows together and take a step closer. “Boyfriend?”
“The man you walked over here with,” Joel says, his black Stetson sliding down the chest you so desperately want to touch as he drops his hands to his sides. He’s left no barriers between the two of you except the heartbreak that’s evident on his face.
You laugh quietly, “No, he’s - that’s Ronan.”
Joel nods. “Okay.”
“He’s my friend,” you clarify, and when Joel’s face stays the same, you add, “And he’s still as gay as the day we first met!”
Joel lets out a whoosh of a breath and closes the distance between the two of you, his free hand comes to one of your curls, twirling the end of it around his thick fingers. Soft and silky meets rough and calloused. “I’m so proud of you, Freckles.”
You don’t miss how he watches your tongue dart between your lips, “Thank you.”
“So? How does it feel?” He gives you a soft crooked smile, his dimple carving into the short facial hair of his salt and pepper beard. Between that smile, and the way his brown eyes wash over you, you’re overcome with affection. He let you go. He did exactly as you asked him. He didn’t chase you or try to convince you to stay. You told him if he really loved you, then he’d do exactly this; and in turn, he did what he said he would.
He showed up.
“I love you,” you state and the air between you turns electric, almost like this moment could either set you both aflame or act as a generator for your future together. Joel gives you that look, the one that makes you feel like you’re the center of his universe. He lets the curled end of your hair slip from his fingers, reaching up towards your graduation cap but hesitating.
“May I?” He rasps and swallows hard.
You nod, and knowing exactly what he’s going for, you take the Stetson from his other hand and place it on your head after he removes your cap. The brim of it blocks out everything but the two of you.
“Say that again, sweet girl,” he murmurs.
“I love you,” it’s barely a whisper this time. “Even after three years apart, you are everything to me. I asked you to let me go so I could accomplish this, and you did. You’ve always done what I asked, what I needed. I’m not sorry for what happened between us, but I am sorry that I missed out on getting to spend the last three years with you looking at me how you are now. I love you, Joel Miller.”
He brings his lips within a breath of yours, and your body practically vibrates with the knowledge that if you leaned just a bit forward, you’d finally have his mouth on you again. You can almost taste the mint on his tongue as the familiar fragrance of ash and leather surround you. “I have dreamed of hearing those three words leave your beautiful lips more times than I can count, baby. You’re it for me. I’ll do anything for you, even if it means breaking my own heart, but I’m always going to be here for you, rooting for you and encouraging you. I’m glad you’re not sorry, because I’m not, I’m so fucking proud of you. I love you, too, my sweet girl.”
Finally, he presses his warm, firm lips against yours while pulling you tight to his body. You wrap an arm around his neck, holding the black cowboy hat against your head with your other hand. It doesn’t matter that the ceremony isn’t done, or that there are hundreds of people to your right. For the first time in three years, everything goes quiet. He hums contentedly and you feel yourself melt against him, tilting your head so he can deepen the kiss. He parts his lips, letting you take the first swipe of your tongue against his. Need floods your system, and based on the way he grinds into you, he’s feeling the same.
He breaks the kiss, but doesn’t go far, resting his forehead against yours. “Take me home,” you practically purr.
“Where do you want home to be? I’ll go anywhere,” Joel rasps, running his nose down the bridge of yours.
“Austin,” you respond, your breath catching as his lips ghost along the side of your mouth.
“I sold my portion of the club to Tommy and Tess. I don’t have anything holding me in Austin anymore, sweet girl. If you have a job offer you really want, that’s where we’ll go.” You pull back to look at him. You can tell by the set of his jaw that he’s serious.
“I want to go to Austin. I have a job offer there.”
“Good thing I told Tommy not to touch my room at the club then.”
“That’s a very good thing,” you moan and then pull him in to kiss again. The audience behind you erupts into cheers, celebrating the accomplishments of every student in that crowd.
You’re a lawyer, and suddenly, the future doesn’t seem so scary.
Joel
Taking you home to Austin that night unfortunately wasn’t an option. After finding Jamie in the crowd, and being formally introduced to Ronan, he called the car to pick up the three of you. You all met Tommy at the restaurant, celebrating with all the expensive homemade pasta and overpriced wine that you wanted; even though seeing you in that curve-hugging velvet dress was slowly killing him. Joel had kept at least one hand on you since seeing you again, and he doesn’t plan on changing that anytime soon.
He didn’t want to rush you on your big night, so he waited patiently, listening to you tell stories of your last three years, and revelling in the evident joy that you and Jamie share over being together again. When dessert comes around he catches Tommy’s attention and gives him a small smile. It’s fitting that the two brothers, who have been so close their entire lives, would fall in love with best friends.
Once in his room, he spent two hours stripping you down at an almost painfully slow pace. He kissed every inch of your skin twice over and has pulled five orgasms, and counting, out of you so far.
Now, Joel is seated in the wide velvet arm chair in the corner of his hotel suite. His cock is buried deep inside of your tight cunt as you straddle him. Your skin feels like butter under his hands as he trails them along your back and the globes of your perfect ass. He’s missed tying you up, but this is what he longed for: the earth shattering intimacy he feels with you in these moments.
“Please,” you mumble into his neck, desperate to move your hips.
“Not until you answer me,” he demands softly. “How many times was it that you needed me, but were too stubborn to reach out?”
Earlier tonight you told him about the six times you really needed him. He’d kissed you softly after each confession, returning the trust with a time he needed you. After the last one, he’d pulled back to look at you with dark eyes. He’d hated that you needed him and he couldn’t be there. He’d clenched his back molars twice before he said you’d be denied six orgasms the next time you were at the club, but tonight you have permission to come as often as you need to.
He swats your already reddened ass cheek and your pussy flutters as you cry out. “Mister Miller, stop. Please, just let me move.”
“Do you need to use your safeword?”
“No,” you respond with a pout.
“How many times?” He says again through gritted teeth, even though already knows the answer.
“Six,” you sob.
He tuts and then growls, “That doesn’t sound like my good girl, does it?”
You shake your head against his throat and moan a sound of disagreement.
“Do you want to come for me again?”
“Yes, Mister Miller. Please!”
He trails his fingers up and down your back again, the thin sheen of sweat on your skin makes it easy for him to caress you. He smiles to himself at the shiver that racks through your body at his touch. You react so beautifully to him. “Yeah? You wanna grind your swollen little clit on my piercing, baby girl?”
“Please,” you whine again, stretching out all the vowels in the word.
“Show me. Ride my cock, take what you need.”
You lift your head from the crook in his neck and pull back slightly, rocking your hips back and forth; a sultry laugh leaves his lips at your eagerness. You look at him with hooded eyes, hair stuck to your forehead. His eyes trail down your neck to the bruises he sucked into your collar bone earlier and then to your breasts; both of which are covered in his marks. He watches the little gold nipple clamps, and the chain that connects them, bounce with each flick of your hips.
“That’s it, sweet girl. You look like a goddess, my goddess. Who do you belong to?”
“I’m yours, baby,” you say through shallow breaths. He pulls at the chain and you cry out in pain. “S-sorry, Mister Miller.”
“Again, sweet girl. Tell me who you belong to.”
“Oh fuck, y-you, Mist -” his hands come to your face and when he whispers your name the rest of your sentence dies on your tongue.
“Just call me Joel.” The commanding voice of his alter ego is gone as he says it.
Your hips slow, changing from a frantic back and forth to a sensual swirling motion. “I’m yours, Joel. Forever.”
He kisses you softly, a silent telling of how vulnerable he is at this moment. “Don’t ask me to let you go ever again.”
The smile you give him causes his heart to skip, “I won’t.”
“You might, sweet girl. I won't survive it if you do, so I’m going to remind you of this moment as often as possible for the rest of my life. Remind you how much you’re loved and supported. You’re mine, Freckles.” Your hips swirl and he feels you tighten up around him. “Come for me, my sweet girl.”
“Fuck, fuck, Joel!” It’s a cry and moan all at once.
“I’m here, it’s ok, baby.” With that, your body shudders and you fall into him as you shatter. Your pussy clenches and releases rapidly around his length. His cock twitches, and once he can’t hold it anymore he relaxes, letting his orgasm rock through him in time with yours.
“I’m yours, too,” he gasps as he melts into you.
The End
Coming Soon:
Curious how Jamie ended up with her "dads new asshole friend?"
Part 2 of the BDSMaid Trilogy coming mid 2025!
Also, stay tuned for the epilogue for Joel and Sweet Girl.
#joel miller#joel miller x reader#joel miller smut#joel miller tlou#pedro pascal#joel the last of us#joel miller fanfiction#joel tlou#joel x reader#joel miller fic#daddy joel#joel miller fanfic#the last of us hbo#tlou joel#tlou hbo#joel miller x ofc#joel miller x you#joel miller x y/n#joel miller x oc#joel miller x original character#dom!joel miller#soft!joel miller#soft dom joel
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🦇SFW A-Z: Eddie Munson🦇
A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)
Uber snuggly very physically affectionate cuddlebug. Eddie is always hanging off his friends and you're no different. Absolute nuisance about it though. Constantly playing with your hair or climbing on you or picking you up or poking you or tickling you. Undiagnosed ADHD king and always looking for something to fidget with. Sometimes (often) that thing happens to be his friends. Will generally back off if he's told no but not for long. Often has a tendency to forget that he can be a lot.
B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)
As a friend, Eddie is already ride or die so you can just imagine what he's like as your bestie. Tends to be extra clingy and will always catch up with you between periods even if his next class is way the fuck on the other side of the building. Can and will hunt you down if you don't come and eat lunch with him. As his best friend, you get treated to exclusive jam sessions and discussions about D&D. That last bit's non-negotiable, sorry. Whether or not you play, Eddie is going to use you as a sounding board for bouncing ideas off of. You're also quite lucky because, being so close to him, Eddie lets you see the softer side of himself and not just the bold persona he puts up for the rest of the world. You'll need a strong personality to match his own if you hope to vibe with him and he'd absolutely adore that you can dish out as much as you take. Lots of flirting, jokingly or otherwise. The kind of relationship where people genuinely get confused on whether or not you're dating.
C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)
Your best bet for snuggling with Eddie is to put on a movie he likes or catch him when he's sleepy. Eddie's huge on physical affection but he's also a public menace and will pester anyone in touching range. If he doesn't have some sort of distraction, cuddles will very quickly turn into wrestling or tickling.
D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)
My man hasn't even graduated, give him a minute! Maybe in the very distant future? Honestly, he hasn't even given it much thought to what he wants to do with his life, never mind what he's going to do when he gets old!
E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)
He just wants it over with. Assuming it was because he fell out of love, Eddie would feel super guilty about leading them on. He wants it done quick and easy but he can't work up the courage to actually go through with it so he probably just... avoids them. This man isn't even twenty-five yet, do you think he's going to be at all emotionally mature? He acts cold and distant until confronted, at which point he will ashamedly let on what his problem is. After the break up, Eddie is cautious but willing to let things return to the way things were before the relationship, you just have to push through his weird vibes until he mellows out again.
F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)
Hasn't really given it much thought to be honest. Eddie is deeply committed to his relationships and would never cheat on his partner but marriage? He hasn't thought about it. Would likely defer to whatever his partner wanted. If they want to get married? Sick. If they don't? Also cool, doesn't mean he cares for them any less.
G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)
Eddie is a nice complicated soup of contradictions. He's blunt but he's kind. He can be mean but he can also be incredibly sweet. Eddie will roughhouse but he'd never actually hurt someone. His friends anyway. He would cut a bitch if someone else started it. As you get closer to him or if you're nice to him or if you're just a nervous person in general, Eddie will let his coarser outer shell slip. He can be a bastard but he (mostly) knows when to pull his punches.
H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)
Probably won't initiate them, but absolutely loves receiving them. Unlikely to give hugs in public but behind closed doors, Eddie gets really clingy. If he's upset, he will bury his face in your neck and hold you just a little tighter.
I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)
Platonically, Eddie has a lot less reservations. If he's swept up in his emotions (or high), he's a lot more willing to just let whatever's in his head slip out. Most likely to save it for extreme circumstances like dying if you brought his homework to him and it's due like right now and he needs this last assignment to graduate or else he'll fail again. Romantically, Eddie is a good deal more shy about it. He doesn't want to move too fast or overstep and push you away. Praying you'll say it first, but if you don't, he'll let it slip by accident at some point anyway. Either he's high off his ass or he's just caught up in a burst of strong feelings, but it'll get out before he can stop it. After he says it for the first time, he just never stops. Tends to save it for private moments between the two of you, but Eddie will tell you he loves you every chance he gets.
J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)
Despite his outwardly cocky persona, Eddie is actually quite self-conscious. He gets hurt very easily if his friends choose to spend time with other people over him, but he can mostly hide his feelings about it. His jealousy might manifest in a few snide remarks about the person in question and, if he's feeling really petty, something bad happening to your character in D&D. Mostly, though, he manages to keep it to himself. However this immediately goes out the window for a romantic partner. Someone flirting with you? Yeah, sorry, you now have an Eddie surgically attached to you for the rest of the evening. He's not extremely possessive but he is also rubbing up against you like a cat marking their person so take that as you will.
K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)
Eddie's a dramatic bitch. He lives for kissing the back of your hand like he's some gallant knight who just vanquished a dragon for you. He may also get down on one knee to do it if he's feeling particularly whimsical. Not to say Eddie isn't capable of giving other kisses. He loves kissing you on the mouth and on your cheeks and on your forehead and in your hair and on your neck and pretty much everywhere within reach. Gives the most kisses when he first wakes up and he's all sleepy and silly.
L = Little ones (How are they around children?)
Kids love Eddie. Eddie does not care for kids. Anything below high school age is on thin fucking ice. As he gets older, I feel like he'll grow to like and even want kids of his own, but for the moment he's still in that "too cool to hang out with children" stage of his life. Eddie, bestie, you practically are a children.
M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)
Slow. Eddie doesn't go to bed until like midnight so, assuming he woke up that morning at all, he's going to spend the first hour or so in a cranky half-asleep fugue state. When he first wakes up, he's very sweet and cuddly... until he actually has to get out of bed. Has said some very unkind things to the toaster during his mid-morning tantrums.
N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)
If he had a choice, he'd be exclusively nocturnal so it probably won't be spent sleeping. His uncle works the night shift so he doesn't really concern himself with keeping the volume low (despite his neighbours' desire to kill him dead) and will definitely try to entice you to stay up and blare heavy metal with him. Usually has a smoke in the evenings before bed because it helps to settle his mind.
O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)
Anyone pretty much knows Eddie's deal from the first minute they meet him. A bold, loud, and opinionated motor mouth, Eddie refuses to even pretend to be one of the normies. He's is pretty forthcoming with his thoughts and feelings so generally all it'll take to get information out of him is a simple question, assuming you can't already guess from the way he's acting. There are certain things he does keep to himself though, things that you won't get out of him unless he's in a really bad place emotionally. Because he's failed to graduate so many times he feels really self-conscious about his intelligence, but won't ever admit it until it's bothering him so bad he's actively having a mental breakdown about it.
P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)
Eddie doesn't get mad really. Irritated, annoyed, or perturbed sure, but the most you'll ever get out of him is a slightly raised voice. Holds a grudge but also forgives easily, so long as he receives what he considers an adequate apology. His definition of adequate will fluctuate wildly depending on the severity of the crime. Spill something on him? That's cool, accidents happen. Miss a D&D session? May the fires of Hell have mercy on you because Eddie certainly will not. You better get down on your knees and BEG for that man's forgiveness because he's not letting that shit go unless you were like in the actual hospital. And even then he's very lowkey like I know you had appendicitis but can you maybe schedule that better next time? Maybe consider how this affects me.
Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)
Eddie has a memory like a steel trap (see: remembering the clothes Dustin and Mike were wearing when he met them, and also that he learned Master of Puppets on the guitar in like two weeks considering how long the song would've been out at the time.) Unfortunately, that memory only kicks in when he's super engaged with something... or just at absolute random. Eddie will recall the strangest shit about you. He'll remember what your pencil case looks like and what your favorite arcade game is and the exact spot you held hands with him for the first time, but what day your date's at? Uh.... Eddie better be scribbling that on his arm real quick or else it is absolutely gonezo. Has probably stood you up at least once and felt super bad about it because he legitimately forgot you two were going to hang out. He feels awful about it, he just struggles with keeping things straight in his head. Forgive the poor boy please, he's trying his best :(
R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)
Help him study and Eddie will be your best friend for life. He struggles so hard to keep his grades up and he just wants to be OUT of this damn school already. If you help him do that? Eddie is over the moon. He appreciates you attempting to explain concepts in a way he understands or gently steering him back on task. If he wasn’t ride or die for you before, while he certainly is now. He also lowkey loves the way pencil smudges and pen ink look on your hands, and he may or may not get distracted staring at them more than a few times.
S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)
Eddie is extremely protective over his friends and he displays it by way of making himself a target instead. He's bold and loud to draw attention away from other people, taking all the bullying and cruelty onto himself. Eddie hates seeing his little flock get hurt and will always step in to protect them. He feels devastated and awful if any of his friends get hurt despite his efforts. Most people tend to view his behavior as Eddie just being Eddie, and it is mostly, but they don't often think about just how often Eddie plants himself square in the firing line. Eddie doesn't even consciously think about it, it's just something he does, so imagine his surprise when you stand up for him. He loves knowing you have his back and feels absolutely giddy having you there. Eddie will mostly rely on intimidation factor because he honestly kinda crumples like wet tissue paper in a fight, so if you can throw a punch, he's gonna fucking fall in love with you right that minute. Seeing someone else initiate will also bolster Eddie’s courage and he'll probably get physical too. After a few seconds of staring at you with wide-eyed adoration because oh my god you just punched a guy for him!
T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)
Eddie is a man of extremes. It's either all or nothing with him. He agonizes over gifts until he finds the perfect one, will plan special occasions down to the smallest detail, but also tends to be super lax about dates. Eddie just likes to hang out on them. He doesn't need anything special to do that with you, he just needs you.
U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)
Eddie's a true sweetheart at his core, but he's also a bit of an asshole. He's rude and brusque when he's upset, but at least you can generally tell what's upsetting him. He's also a total snob, looking down on anyone he considers a normie. By default, cold to people he can't immediately clock as one of the freaks. Frequently inconsiderate about hobbies he doesn't share, i.e. basketball. A complete elitist about metal culture and probably looks down on battle jackets that don't contain strictly band patches/pins.
V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)
Eddie's not vain per se, but he does definitely care about his outward appearance. He doesn't outright preen in front of the mirror but all of his clothes are chosen to match a certain aesthetic. He likes the way he looks and he dresses that way on purpose, but he's also not like putting a whole lot of effort into it, yknow? He takes pride in the way he looks but not to the extent that I'd call him vain. About average level of liking to present himself the way he wants to.
W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)
Now I'm not saying Eddie goes into a depressive spiral upon a break up, but I'm also not NOT saying that. Eddie loves with his whole heart and is quite thoroughly devastated when his feelings aren't returned. He'll try to brush it off and play it cool, like it's not a big deal, but he's also playing sad songs on his guitar and laying in a limp puddle on his bed so take that as what you will.
X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)
Secretly loves chess but won't tell his friends because like... that's nerd shit. And Eddie’s a freak not a nerd, c'mon. He's not one of those super smart, straight-A geeks, he's cool and he's edgy and sure he likes tabletop games but not LAME ones likes chess and checkers. Plays his Uncle as often as he can even though Eddie wins pretty much all the time.
Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)
Conformity. Eddie hates people that aren't weirdo freaks. Be too typical for him and he's barely giving you a second glance. But to be fair, he can deal with boring. He won't like it but he can play nice if he has to. The real thing that gets on his nerves is bullies. Eddie despises people who pick on others and he'll make sure they know it. Being needlessly cruel to someone in front of Eddie is a good way to piss him right off.
Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)
Eddie sleeps like a nightmare. He talks in his sleep, he drools, he gets the absolute worst case of bedhead every night no exceptions, he kicks, and on top of it all he rolls himself in the blankets like a burrito. It's not like you can wake him up either because that boy sleeps DEEP. But it might just be worth it in the end, because every morning Eddie will wake up just enough to wrap around you like an octopus and mumble sleepy words of affection into your skin. His big brown Bambi eyes are still so dopey with sleep that you're not entirely sure he's actually fully conscious but that just make his ooey-gooeyness all the sweeter actually. He'll say yes to anything you say right now, to the extent that you could probably convince him to shave his head, move up to the mountains, and become a monk. But maybe don't do that. Maybe just convince him to make you breakfast instead. (Actually don't do that either, he'll light the trailer on fire.)
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wherever you are right now, good morning/evening/night… that was a mouthful, but i’m not sure how else to start this.
it sounds serious, i know, it’s not, don’t worry, but i like being dramatic, haha, you know me ;) i have a small announcement to make — i say ‘small’ ‘cause it really can be done in one or two short sentences, but i’d like to give you some context and reasoning because i care about every single one of you reading this, all 470 of you, and i’d hate to leave you without an explanation.
i’m mainly addressing my LL (liar, liar) readers, ‘cause i seem to have a big following and a large number of people who interact with me because of that piece of work, but this also goes out to the very few people (and i’m not being dramatic when i say very few people, lol) who are loyal readers of SOANO (start of a new obsession).
i am going on hiatus.
yeah, i know, boo, tomatoes, the story was just getting started 😠 , etc, etc.
and i apologise.
genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, i’m truly, deeply sorry.
you’ve been forced to tolerate my extremely sporadic updates that were only just starting to get better (some updates would come weekly, whereas others would take two more weeks, but never an entire month like before). i really am sorry. i know what it feels like to enjoy a story and then be left on a cliffhanger (of sorts?) when the author goes on a hiatus — mini or not.
i think this long message will answer most of the questions you have in mind, the first being ‘how long will you be on hiatus for?’. and i do have a straight answer for that:
five months.
i know, it’s a lot. again, i apologise. i can’t apologise enough, but let’s keep the questions going.
the one i know you’re all wondering — why am i going on hiatus in the first place?
just to be clear (for those of you who have genuinely become close friends with me through interactions) i’m alive, healthy, and well! i’m not falling out of love with writing, i’ve not fallen out of love with LL or SOANO (no matter how slow the updates for the latter seems to be) and i’m not feeling pressured by writing either of these stories for you all!
the reason is quite simple… school :/ exams. MAJOR ones.
when i started writing SOANO, i was around 15 years old (give or take a few?) and i had no major exams at all to focus on. halfway through writing SOANO, i was met with my first set of important exams at 16. for those of you who are not british and/or not aware of the uk education system, GCSE’s are the exams that dictate which sixth-form college you go to. college, as in, not university-college, but the last two years of high school (junior + senior year) that are the only two years of sixthform/college.
when i started writing LL, i was in my first year of college at 17 (this time last year), and so the only ‘major’ exams i had were mock exams that would prep me for my university predicted-grades. i am now in my second (and final) year of college, and the exams during may and june will dictate the rest of my life. that includes which uni i go to, whether i’ll even go to uni at all, what course i’ll take at uni if i do end up going, etc.
you get the idea. these are important exams. the most important ones that i’ll ever have to sit this year, and starting tomorrow, i have 130 days to turn my very-average-grades around to three A’s (or perhaps two A’s and a B) to get into my desired uni.
unfortunately, i can’t do that if i spend most of my time writing up very lengthy chapters for you.
why can’t i split my time accordingly, even if it means going back to the once-a-month updates? because i am so incredibly, stupidly behind on content for the courses i’m taking right now that i can’t even afford to waste 30 minutes on doing anything other than praying and studying. that’s just the sad truth of it.
again, i’d like to apologise for the inconvenience. i’ve received so many lovely dm’s from so many of you (and i answer every single one, you know that) and in the conversations that many of us have had together, a lot of you use the story (LL) as a safe haven, an escape from your own messy school lives, almost in the same way that i use it to escape my messy school life. some of you have mentioned that you pull all-nighters simply to reread it all as if you’re reading it for the first time. a few of you have mentioned how this story was an escape from the tragic events of canon, which was exactly what i intended for it to be like during the planning process, and i’m still so overwhelmed and flattered by the growing love i’ve received from both old and new LL readers.
will the story be temporarily taken down?
absolutely not.
i considered it for a time, but after acknowledging those comments i mentioned above, i decided that what’s left of LL right now (170k+ words divided in 10 chapters) can still be a safe haven for you whenever you need it. i also knew that i wanted everything to look the same for when i’d return in late-june of this year. leaving it up would also mean that newer readers (future readers) would join the family too, and we love a full house ;)
will i still be active on tumblr during the hiatus?
yes! maybe not as frequently as before (like answering messages in my inbox every day) but i’ll definitely be active enough to get through any messages, comments, asks, etc, within the span of a week for sure. you can still tell me about your shitty day in my inbox, you can still vent to me about an encounter with a guy you hate in my dm’s, and you can definitely still send in silly things about LL or SOANO. i’ll still be active, it’ll be like i never left, only, without the fortnite-ly (not a word, i’m well aware) updates.
LL’s one year anniversary is coming up in a couple of days, and i wanted to release a new chapter in time for it, but looking at my exams and how much cramming i’m already going to have to do for it without writing on top of that… i reluctantly acknowledged that it just won’t be possible.
i think i’ve addressed everything… this is a little awkward now, lol.
once again, i apologise for any hurt or inconveniences i might’ve caused, but i myself don’t enjoy the idea of not writing for 5 months any better than you probably do. 0-0 i enjoy writing, it never felt like a chore to me, and i’m going to miss it during the next 5 months that i’ll be spending alone, grinding overtime like hermione granger…
please wait for me, my little liars <3
love, mother hen sumaya
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"I think that it is important that young girls don’t feel like they have to conform to some idea of what a girl should be. You can be whoever you want, whatever you are, and take confidence in that. There isn’t a standard that we should all be working towards. It’s about finding you, celebrating what’s different about us, and society letting that come through."
⋆⭒˚。⋆ Happy Birthday to Felicity Jones ⋆⭒˚。⋆
↳ born October 17th, 1983 𓆩♡𓆪
#felicity jones#actress#the worst witch#the last letter from your lover#the aeronauts#rogue one a star wars story#chalet girl#northanger abbey#like crazy#the theory of everything#on the basis of sex#guys I did this on my phone please be proud of me#is it even my work if it's not done at the very last minute
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my sweet little baby man is no longer with us
#he had his bloodwork done yesterday and the vet said it was fine but he doesnt have much time left#and my bestie is a vet tech who wanted to see the lab results bc she always does and she looked at them#and asked me if she can shiw them to her boss today and i was like sure and immediately knew something was up#today keekki was being himself#then i went to run some errands and when i came back he was laying in front of the front door with his tiny baby head against it#and i was like ''oh ok one of his seizures?''#and theyre like. keekki will drool and not move and they usually last for like 20 minutes (several vets have no idea whats up with those#but it was probably either a kidney or a blood pressure thing)#anyways. it did not pass in 20 minutes so i Knew#i laid on the floor next to him#then my bff sent me a message asking me if i have the time to talk about keekki and its not good news#at this point i was about to call the vet anyways#and she was like ''ok i showed these to my boss (a vet) and she got super angry that ur vet even let you leave the clinic''#bc apparently keekkis bloodwork was so bad he should have been put down then and there but my vet was like a fresh half graduate#so i dont hold it against her. anyways i got an euthanasia appointment for this evening and spent the time before it laying on the couch#crying with keekki in my arms#i had to carry him bc he couldnt really walk without stumbling and falling down#when i had to get up to get his carrier and stuff ready he was taking a nap on the couch where i left him and i took this pic#anyways worst vet visit of my life i could hardly even do anything but nod half the time bc speaking results in me sobbing#anyways. this fucking sucks#i dont know how ill be able to sleep tonight#its been years since i last slept at home without having a little guy plop into my arms#i spent a long time with him in the vet room when he was gone#it feels surreal ive given him his last ever forehead kisses#as i left the room i told him bye the exact same way ive been saying bye to him for the last very many years ive had him#its always moikka keekki before i go to work or the store or literally anything#and that was my last moikka keekki#i hope he felt how loved he was#my dad is sending me older pics of me and keekki and he looks so happy in them. hes always right next to me#idk man im going to stop rambling now
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hmmm i was planning to update plum calendar on monday but i guess that's when ao3 will be down. so looks like it'll be either late monday night or tuesday. sorry i know the wait's a little longer than usual. but you're gonna flip your lids i guarantee it
#started my new job so i havent had as much time to work on it#i mean its mostly done but i take last minute edits very seriously#it's where i do my best work#also im starting a new dnd campaign and for once im not the dm#but the dm is making me do a bunch of stuff to prep#he sent me so much orc lore#i havent even picked my class yet and we start on monday#im a nightmare player
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.
#Seven's Public Diary#vent#vent post#cw vent#cw vent post#can i go more than a fucking week without having my cptsd triggered again? pLEASE???#me and my haywire nervous system can't ever catch a fucking break i swear to god#at least i managed to get the Matt fic posted before that happened and ruined my night#literally three minutes after i hit post. something has to happen IRL and ruin my slight good mood. sigh. anyways#my chest still feels tight but my focus is coming back i think. lets hope the rest of the night is uneventful#anyways. uh. positives. got the Matt fic posted on here And Ao3! yay. after working on it the last two evenings it's officially done#i know i put way too much effort into my fics especially ones that will get very little readership but eh i can't help it#time spent doing something you enjoy is never time wasted or however the saying goes#uh oh. the stress injury in my neck is starting to feel tight again. that's probably not a great sign#i should try to relax. been sitting at my desk too much recently and my back's mad abt it too#i would unwind with some Genshin exploration grinding or smthn but that's just more desk sitting time#so hm. animal crossing in bed it is then#watch me say that then spend the next 3 hours on tumblr#i cant help it i want to update my pinned posts and fill my queue up some more#and i have some drafts to work on... still need to finish that Sun & Moon appearance guide for ES#maybe i'll pull an all-nighter. i need to fix my sleep schedule again. like badly. but then i risk a migraine. aaggghhhhhh#anyways this has been Venting and Bad Decision Making 101 thabks for coming to my TED talk#oh hey look at that i got a like on the Matt fic. mood slightly improved. thank u whoever u r <3
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ohhh i knew i shouldn't have screenshotted that thing hhhhhouuuhr
#just me hi#so i'm trying to find the canvas that i drew this comic on that i Screenshotted cuz i thought 'oh yea i'll just go back if i wanna post#later' and i Lost the canvas ????#i can't find the dang thing!! i have looked and looked but it's nowhere in the project folder#so that means i have to check my misc folder. which is So Much it'll take forever cuz idek what i was working on when i drew it#ik i was taking a break from a bigger thing i think but i don't remember what it was ?? aaaauuhhh#which yea i could just post the screenshot but it's blurryyyyyy and it really really bothers meeeeee hkgfjsv#and i hate sharpening unless it's very deliberately for noise </3 Man lmfshv#it's not even that big really... i could just put a layer over it cuz i left the grey canvas underneath too lmao.....#i mean..... man it's annoying me hghfjhsv#//w/e w/e w/e though. in Other news hgfsj#i finished uploading my stuff to my player!! very cool very sick :D#took me until nearly 2 a.m. but i got it >:3#/mnmn also i commented on a fic a while ago and subscribed- the author responded and then like 10 minutes later a new chapter was up#does that feel like real magic or is that just me hgbhfhs#/and what else? uhh think i'm gonna do a big hid piece again :3 he's fun putting in Places so i think i'll do that lol#i am Dreading doing backgrounds but it must be done !!! for my. health or something hgkfhs#perhaps a grocery store.. or a park.... or the palace cuz the last piece i did for that didn't look too great pfsh#yea tho... things........#//i'm gonna go clean up that screenshot :( even if it makes me feel very itchy on the inside lmao :(#been getting very itchy-on-the-inside about stuff recently. hou- is that annoying or what lol?#/but YEA okay i'm on my way hfsh :3 toodlesssss
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got like 1200 ish lines of code for a thing in like 2 hours yippeee
it's a thing to make it easier to modify stuff for mario kart 64 it'll make my life 1000x easier i just have to enter a few numbers in and out comes a file i can apply to the game with some other program instead of having to copy and paste stuff for like half an hour to an hour every time i want to make changes
a game changer you could say *gets dragged away by the neck like a cat*
#listen this is such a big deal to me#and only me bc i'm the only person in the world who cares about doing this very very specific thing for a very specific game#now after this is done i can get my changes to the game ready in like an hour at most depending on what i want to change#instead of a few hours#if i just wanna change stats and not characters that means i just open the program and put in the numbers then have the game ready in like#5 minutes#massive improvement#but yknow if i want to change the characters too then it's still gonna take a bit#like 30 minutes to an hour but still a massive improvement#anyways yeah you can probably tell i'm excited about this#once this is done i'll maybe start working on getting the proper graphics update to the game#it's gonna be a rebranding on my mk64 pokemon thing to make it distinct from another thing someone made that was called pokemon kart alread#didn't really care all that much before since i didn't want to make it public or at least not in mk64 circles but i do wanna share it more#now that i've put this much work into it#since i'm already using pmd sprites i might as well change it to something related to pmd so i'm gonna have to come up with a title for it#also have some fun character surprises for when i release the new rebranded version#since last time i showed it here there have also been a lot of new pokemon added but i have some i haven't shown yet to anyone#not even in the places i playtest with others (if you see this mo hi i have some more i haven't shown off ;3)#but it might be a while before i get that to a public release#we'll see#depends on how i feel about working on it these next few days#so it's gonna be a surprise release
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tell me your failed/embarrassing flirting stories to make me feel better, i’ll go first: today i said “get out of my way” forgot to say “i’m kidding” then immediately said “bye”
#it is awful having feelings for someone you know and have an established friendship with#but crushing on someone i barely know is knew to me and i legit feel like an idiot every time i do something stupid like this#i can’t just. talk to the guy#if i say hey and he says sup i say ‘sup indeed’ like what the fuck is that#i can barely even say hello to him#don’t get me wrong i’ve DONE it but most days i’m like#ah fuck there he is#okay you can do it just say hi#just say what’s up#and then he’s already gone#also. like. the setting we’re in is soooo not good for talking or flirting realt because um. it’s work he’s my coworker.. so um. do i fuckin#ask him for his number?? or to hang out??? but like. he’s kind of a stranger to me what do i want to hang out for 🧍#but like. i dont want to do that until i have at least one successful interaction#or like. an actual conversation.#which is gonna be really hard to manage because he doesn’t talk much at all to anyone and i really only talk if someone talks to me first or#i’ll say something absolutely idiotic and ridiculous (and honestly i do that no matter what)#anyway so um. i guess i’m just gonna keep making a fool of myself until i get it right and hopefully i don’t screw it up 🥴#i lost all my confidence in the last year and i cant do anything chill or smooth anymore (i was never that good in the first place but at#least i could PRETEND i knew what i was doing. like i could sell it. the whole weird and lost bit.)#anyway. i felt better for like 5 minutes when some guy at the gas station flirt failed with me on the way home. but that’s partly my fault#too oops. in his defense he probably could not see that i had headphones on bc upon mirror inspection they were well blended with my hair#but i was waiting to cross the street and this guy tried to like nod and smile and i did not know it was to me until i got to the other side#where the gas station was and and like. tried again and i awkward half smiled and saw his face get all mushy and confused like mine FELT 20#mins before when i’d flopped so hard trying to flirt and by the time i’d processed WAIT i think he was FLIRTING WITH ME i was already gone 🤡#but at least it ended better than the poor 14yo who very confidently asked for my number#who. i shit you not. SCREECHED for a solid 44.5 seconds and bolted the other direction when i said sorry im 21#his friends were standing there like wtf too and one was like i am so sorry about him 🤦#cheers to being fools universe
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is it an adhd thing to need to reinvent the concept of a study space so you have any chance of actually studying or just a facet of being alive that no one warned me about
#like 2/3 of the battle of successfully being 'productive' is just finding out what will work for me in this moment as opposed to what worked#not even 30 minutes ago let alone yesterday. whether or not i can handle music and the type of music and the volume are all determined by#whims outside of my comprehension and i am. so tired. i can't work in a space that's too familiar unless i can except i can't. i can't work#in a space that's too unfamiliar unless i can except i can't. i can't work in a space with noise or without noise unless i can except i#can't. are we seeing the pattern here :( how has anyone alive ever established a routine ever when trying to parse my stupid needs hour by#hour is like pulling teeth every time. every bit of analysis and like reflection is a Task and i already can't handle tasks very well And i#takes up brain power and like. bits of my attention span that i desperately need to shore up to get anything actually? done? once i'm#settled? but i can't settle if it's not the right set up but i have to minutely tweak the set up until it's right but it so rarely is.#sorry to be like mopey on the dash i have papers and finals due and then actual finals week and i've been waiting on my period for a week :#what if things were. easier. hot take i know. and yes this is (hopefully) the last time i'll have to do finals unmedicated but ohhhhhhhhh m#god is this round determined to make it hurt as much as it possibly can to make up for it. a sigh and a sob etc etc#a post
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working on splitting everything out into proper chapters and it's making me laugh a little bc it's, the lead into this fic is like 8 chapters of build up just for the plot to sweep in from left field and knock you on your ass; i'd feel inclined to make it Less like that but tbh i think it's kind of perfect that way
#N posts stuff#bleed more fic#there's. frankly i don't think there Is a way to integrate the Plot in any better bc it is Functionally a very left field thing#even In The Text so i feel like it has to hit the readers and the characters the same way if it wants to read coherently#i absolutely will not elaborate if it's getting done this way i want it to be as much of a car crash as possible absolute T Bone#but if everything Goes Well then i'll have the final draft for this fic done by like. the weekend gd willing#then i'll sit on it for a week and give it one last read before i start posting chapters regularly#i thought about dropping it all at once but it's been so long since i've done a multichaptered fic i can't resist#Wish Us Luck my computer is killing itself with every page i make it open; took 25+ minutes to turn on for today's work klfjglj
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I'm sorry but what the fuck do people expect to accomplish by """"planning"""" protests literally less than a handful of days or even fucking HOURS before they're ""planned"" to take place? This is why so many (particularly INTERNET) protests have fucking crashed and burned. Even if your posts go viral, you are NOT reaching an effective amount of people in such a short time span AND you are not giving the people who DO see it an effective opportunity to participate ESPECIALLY if you are asking for things like "don't spend money at xyz" or even worse "don't GO anywhere" especially when it's "don't go to WORK" People need time to prepare for these things. Some people protesting is better than none of course, but you are literally asking for failure trying to "set up" these protests by informing people at the last possible fucking second. Especially because I know more than half of y'all aren't doing the local/community work ahead of time by gathering your own friends/family/community to participate either. You are asking to fail. Learn how to organize properly if you expect this shit to work for the love of god
#mud rambles#this isn't even about any singular post I've been seeing it SO MUCH lately#but even while the BLM protests were in full swing a few years ago I'd see this shit#Like do y'all ever learn???#the most effective protests have been the ones planned enough in advance to give people the ability to plan for them AND ones where the#organizers have already done a lot of legwork beforehand in getting their own community guaranteed to participate and aid in spreading word#this is not to say guerilla protests with a concentrated group AREN'T effective because they very much are but again#the organizers of those have made sure they have the support for it#AND all these last minute 'protests' call for large scale action that can't reasonably be accommodated for by the amount of people it would#need in the first place MUCH LESS actually get out to that fucking amount of people#and it's frustrating!!!!!!#because really all you're fucking doing at that point is diverting attention from actually well planned and thought out protests!#it's such an individualistic mindset to expect your random social media post about not going fucking grocery shopping to actually work#and protests are effective because of COMMUNITY ORGANIZING#anyway. yeah. just needed to get this one off of my chest cause it's been BREWING for a while
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Just watched Infinite Regress and damn Jeri Ryan’s really acting her gd heart out. Also, I love how much people shout in this one.
#Tuvok love your mind meld <3 it did absolutely nothing to help but I do love that you did it#GREAT Tuvok lines this ep#His almost-eyeroll and 'Perhaps an armed guard?' response to Neelix's midnight snacker#<- Tuvok's exasperated expression is v good and he does it consistently it's like he opens his mouth a little and looks off to the side#Doc: At the first sign of trouble- / Tuvok: You will do nothing. There will be many 'signs of trouble'. You must trust me to endure them.#He's so heroic <3#As he throws caution to the wind#Also that little girl screaming about how she wants to go home...DAMN. VOYAGER'S OUT HERE BREAKING MY HEART#I also love how that was the voice Tuvok focused on bc....yeah of course he would. BREAKING MY HEART ONCE AGAIN.#All the people assimilated by the borg broke my heart though v_v even like the klingon and the ferengi who're more comedic characters#bc at the end of the day they were all people and they're all essentially dead now#like being haunted by ghosts - very good episode. EMH screaming 'TUVOK!!!!!' was also surprisingly heartwrenching his actor put his ALL into#that. Uhhhh OH!!! And of COURSE B'Elanna/Seven yuri moment#yeah what the fuck did B'Elanna mean by 'did Tom put you up to this? It didn't work.' like HEHEHEH what does she think Tom's end goal was??#the bite mark on her cheek looked almost like lipstick#and last but not least ADORABLE Naomi~!!!!!! so cute <3#livetweeting#Tuvok after screaming 'SEVEN!! SEVEN!!! S EVEN!!!!' for five minutes: My job here is done#Doctor: But you didn't do anything#Tuvok: -leaves-#Tuvok truly is just a guy#Just a guy who loves his friend and is willing to risk brain damage just for a chance that he could help them#even when the odds are VERY MUCH not in his favor
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i have sicknesses and diseases again
#:)#it's been like 3 months so time for my quarterly dose of Plague i guess!#been on a steady decline the last ~4 days but i'm hoping i'll bounce back this weekend-ish#this is why the umineko writeup's taken so long since i went from dealing with genderstuff to being sick and it took a lot out of me!#luckily i am very much almost done with it so it should only take a couple days once i'm well enough#also the pokespe queue may dry up in the next few days if i don't have the energy but if it does i'll restart it the minute i can#thank you for bearing with me! sorry that i have a direct access pipeline to illnesses and viruses that semiregularly do this to me lmao#it's not even that i have a shit immune system or anything i just live with a parent that works with young kids in a post-covid world
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i have so much time off compared to what my life was like 2 weeks ago idk what to do with it to the point i have huge fomo i fear that i'm not enjoying it enough which leads to me not doing anything and making things worse
#i know i'm very priviledged etc to literally not have a job anymore (unless they take me back or i find something else in the meantime) and#i get to worry about not having enough fun during my unemployment period#i know#also it would be nice if i could concentrate for more than 5 minutes and write fucking useless cover letters#bc there's job offers for what i do rn and i just don't apply bc i can't write cover letters to save my life#even through i've done it before#i've written great letters that got me one of the best spot for my apprenticeship a couple of years ago#also i have great recommandations so i just ?????? should do something anything#but i can't !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#and im scared of fucking up bc as i feared i was diagnosed with adhd last month and i should be taking appointments with a special kind of#therapist to work on ways to deal with it#the psychiatrist said i could take a treatment too but idk i want to try without it first#BUT I CANT FIND A SPECIALIST THAT DEALS WITH ADULTS#and taht's when i actually remember to look for one#i ddin't do much for myself recently my grandpa is in the hospital and my grandma is alone at home needing 24/7 care but she didn't want an#so i had to arrange for someone coming over and getting it paid for with a social worker etc#aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah#also my parents are moving out of the house i grew up in lol
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