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xtrablak674 · 2 years

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Audience of One

Beginning the planning of my trip to Amsterdam in September is a bit unusual than usual. Normally I take little to no planning for international trips, with my level of travel experience I don't really need much lead time. I initially thought I would be staying in a pension, feeling a little nostalgic for the way their are portrayed in The World According to Garp novel, but Irving's reference is probably the fifties are sixties and Europe has changed a bit since then. So it may ultimately be a hostel, because lodgings aren't as important to me as spending my money on experiences in Europe.

This trip has a new challenge, its not for anyone except for me, a former friend wanted to live vicariously through a trip that was supposed to be focused on my rest and restoration. I realized that this expectation gave me an unnecessary burden of making my trip performative for an audience that wasn't even there. Social media has turned everyone into voyeurs...

Amsterdam will be for me and me alone, I will not be posting, or tweeting about the trip at all. All works that are created will be solely for my consumption. It's a curious place to be, and it actually feels good to refocus my pleasure for myself alone and not for an invisible studio audience. I think this will allow me to be more present in the moment and to savor and enjoy it more.

It's curious the burgeoning of these feelings started last September when my niece visited. In the past I would have posted our adventures on my timeline, but other then a few IG stories post and some select friends I kept most of the experience to myself. I shared things with her, not knowing what she did with anything, but to have a memory that was just for us, which is what her trip was all about for me.

Its easy to think that I should feel less content that I don't have a huge circle of friends to share my successes with, but the truth is most of the people around me aren't doing as well as I am at this point and I truly think my enjoyment would create toxic feelings of missing out, when they aren't living my life and I am not living their life.

This is one of the primary reasons I have continually been moving away from social media. We stay in our bubbles, looking into other people's bubbles wondering why we don't have what they have. I watched this portrayed on the HBO series Rap Shit, and I am pleased to have the continence to move my life offline out of the prevue of every Naomi, Jaheem and Keisha.

I don't need anyone else's permission to enjoy myself and my self-esteem isn't so low that I need to raise myself up by making others feel less than. I am not going to necessarily pat myself for this level of emotional maturity because I just really enjoy my privacy. I don't want people in my business. #period You live your life and I will live mines.

[Photo by S. Brown]

#offline #voyerurism #performative lives #success #HBO Rap Shit #Amsterdam #John Irving #disconnect #live for yourself #travel

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azzifudd · 3 months

Text

always on my mind

paige bueckers x azzi fudd

summary: Azzi has just finished dinner with her grandparents when the call comes.

Azzi is confused because it’s barely been three hours since she said goodbye to Paige at the airport as their families drove them home on their return to the states from Argentina.

They’d spent nearly the entire plane ride talking, even when Azzi had really wanted to nap, so Azzi can’t imagine what more Paige has to say to her, but she picks up anyway.

rated: teen

2.4k words

disclaimer: fictional!

[AO3 Link]

Paige Bueckers (USA Basketball) Facetime

Azzi has just finished dinner with her grandparents when the call comes.

Azzi is confused because it’s barely been three hours since she said goodbye to Paige at the airport as their families drove them home on their return to the states from Argentina.

They’d spent nearly the entire plane ride talking, even when Azzi had really wanted to nap, so Azzi can’t imagine what more Paige has to say to her, but she picks up anyway.

“Hello?”

“Azzi!” Paige’s face is too close to the screen and all Azzi can see is the bridge of her nose and one clear blue eye.

“Hi…” There’s a moment of silence as Paige just stares at Azzi. “Did you need something?”

“Oh, um, yeah!” Paige perks up like she’s suddenly remembering that she’s the one who made the call. “I’m gonna be playing some pick up with my guy Jalen tomorrow and I was wonderin’ if you’d wanna come.”

Azzi notices then that Paige seems almost nervous. In all the weeks they’d spent together playing basketball, Azzi doesn’t think she’d seen Paige unsure of herself for even a second, but the way her eyes keep darting back and forth betrays her.

For a moment, Azzi wants to say no. She’s exhausted from the tournament and the nearly full day of travel it took to get to her grandparent’s house in Minnesota.

But then Paige pulls the camera back from her face and Azzi sees a sweet, uncertain smile on Paige’s face, and she can’t bear to disappoint her.

“Okay.”

“Okay?” Paige seems surprised, but then she gives a little cheer and smiles so wide that Azzi blushes under the strength of it. “Aight! Cool!”

“Cool!” They sit in silence for an awkward moment, glancing around until they make eye contact through the cameras and begin to giggle.

“Who’s that?” Azzi asks, when they settle down. She points at the screen past Paige to the wall behind her.

“It’s Kyrie, he’s my favorite player.” Paige tilts her phone, showing a wall filled with posters of different NBA players, but mostly of this particular one.

“Oh, who does he play for?” Azzi asks, though she has to admit she doesn’t actually care. For some reason, she just doesn’t want to hang up yet.

“You don’t know Kyrie Irving?!” Paige sounds almost offended at the thought.

“Not really,” Azzi replies, with a shrug. “I don’t watch a lot of NBA.”

“Bruh, I gotta educate you.” Paige settles back on her bed, pulling out her iPad and opening Youtube. “We’ll start with the 2016 Finals.”

They stay up talking until after midnight. Azzi still doesn’t know much about Kyrie Irving, but she learns a lot about Paige Bueckers, and it changes everything.

“Azzi! Dinner’s ready!” Katie calls from the kitchen. Azzi has been spending almost all her time, outside of school, training and practice, holed up in the basement doing God knows what lately. It’s not quite like her daughter, who usually spends most of her time messing around with her brothers or hanging onto her parents, but Katie figures that her oldest might finally be hitting that moody teenager phase that everyone warned her about.

She scoops some stir fry into her bowl, joining her husband and sons who are already at the table. When another few minutes passes and Azzi still doesn’t show up, she goes to the door, yelling down the stairs.

“If you don’t get up here in the next thirty seconds, no phone for the rest of the night!”

Within seconds she hears feet clomping up the stairs.

“Mom! Okay! I’m coming!”

Azzi finally appears, giving her mom an annoyed look before brushing past her and serving herself a plate of dinner.

When she finally sits down at the table, she props her phone up on the table so it’s facing her. They can all hear some sounds coming from it.

“Azzi Fudd, I know you aren’t watching a video while we’re eating dinner.” It’s so unlike her to be so rude.

“Uhh, hey Mrs. Fudd. Mr. Fudd.” Paige Bueckers smiles sheepishly at her and waves through the screen.

“Oh, Paige.” Katie knows that Azzi and Paige had been keeping in touch since the summer. “You know you can call us Katie and Tim, sweetie.”

“Azzi’s going to have to put her phone away for dinner. She can call you back after dinner, alright?”

“Moooom.” Azzi whines, clearly embarrassed.

“I’ll talk to you later, Azzi.”

“Okay,” Azzi huffs. “Bye Paige.” Katie isn’t sure if she imagines it, but there’s something soft in the way her daughter says Paige’s name.

They hang up, and Azzi begins immediately shoveling food into her mouth.

“Azzi, slow down. Paige is still going to be there, but you won’t be if you choke because you aren’t chewing.”

Azzi scowls but she does slow down, chewing deliberately in her parents’ direction. When her bowl is empty, she reaches for her phone.

“May I be excused, please?”

“Not yet.”

“Ugh,” Azzi scoffs, rolling her eyes.

“Enough with the attitude, or did you not want one of your birthday presents early?”

Katie smirks as Azzi’s eyes bulge with excitement.

“I’m sorry!” Azzi bounces excitedly in her seat. “I’ll stop with the attitude, I promise.”

“Alright, we believe you, “ Tim says. “Well, we were talking to Paige’s parents the other day…” He lets the sentence linger, laughing when Azzi grows visibly annoyed.

“Dad!” She growls as her brothers mock her.

“Alright, alright. We were talking to them, and they agreed to let Paige come stay for the weekend for your sweet sixteen.”

Azzi barely lets him finish his sentence before she’s out of her seat, squealing with joy and giving her dad a big hug.

“Thank you! Thank you!” She throws herself into her mom’s lap, and though Azzi has been taller than her for about a year at this point, Katie still relishes every time her daughter lets her hold her this close.

“Does she know?! Can I tell her?” Azzi reaches for her phone, opening Facetime, and Katie can see her call log. The name Paige💗 fills the entire screen, non stop calls that must span the months since they had returned home from Minnesota.

“Go ahead.” Azzi leaps up, and they can hear the sound of barely half a dial tone before the call is answered.

Almost immediately, there’s a lot of chattering, then a lot of excited screaming. Katie shares a knowing look with her husband as their daughter talks excitedly with her best friend.

Azzi has never had a shortage of friends, but it’s becoming more and more clear that her relationship with Paige is something different, something special.

Jazmine is not sure what to think of Paige Bueckers. She knows what everyone else says about her, that she might be the best player to ever wear a UConn jersey, and that she uses that to chat up every attractive woman on campus.

But as they work on their research project, Jazmine isn’t sure she sees this supposed player that everyone talks about.

Paige is charming, yes, and very friendly, but there’s something guarded in her demeanor, like she’s always keeping part of herself locked away.

She is cute though, Jazmine can’t deny that, and fun to flirt with as they make progress on their presentation.

They’re about to wrap up for the night when Paige’s phone vibrates from where it is face down on the table. Paige picks it up, and Jazmine watches as her entire being seems to bloom at what she sees on the screen.

“Sorry, I have to take this.” Paige pops a headphone in, stepping out of the study room they’ve been working in. Jazmine watches through the glass as she holds the phone up to her face, speaking with whoever is on the other side.

Her face is soft, and the smile that lights up her face is so different from the near smirk that Jazmine has seen directed at everyone else. She only spends a few minutes on that Facetime, but even in that short amount of time, Jazmine can see the way her entire body language has changed. She barely knows this girl, and she can see it.

Paige hangs up, coming back into the room with another apology.

“No worries.” Jazmine shrugs. “Your girlfriend?”

All the blood in her body seems to rush to Paige’s face.

“Oh, um, nah.” She stammers. “It was just Azzi.”

Everything clicks into place. Azzi Fudd, Paige’s best friend, and partner in crime. Azzi doesn’t even go to UConn, though she has visited a few times, and yet she’s probably heard just as many rumors about their relationship as she has about Paige herself, and despite Paige’s denial, Jazmine knows what she saw.

She doesn’t know if Azzi is Paige’s girlfriend, her best friend, both, or neither. But she does know that Paige loves that girl. And anyone who had seen what she had seen, how Paige’s entire being lit up at the mere thought of Azzi, would know it.

Paige doesn’t hear the sound of the call over the pounding of her dribble and the squeak of her shoes. In fact, she only realizes her phone is vibrating because it interrupts her music.

It’s past midnight, and Paige knows there’s only one person who could be calling her. The only person she would answer for, at any time of day or night.

💗 Facetime

She swipes to accept the Facetime, sitting on the floor against the wall. With a boop, the call opens to show her best friend, clearly dressed for bed and frowning disapprovingly at Paige through the screen.

“I knew it. Why are you still at the gym?”

Azzi disappears for a moment as she turns off her bedroom light, but soon her face is visible again by the light of the screen and as she lays down in bed with the phone propped up close to her face.

“Can’t sleep.” Paige shrugs, it’s the truth, even if it’s the simple version of it.

“You wanna talk about it?” Azzi always wants to talk, and there’s little that Paige likes to do more than listen to her, but she still has trouble doing the talking herself sometimes.

“Tomorrow, okay? You should sleep anyways, I know you had a tough game tonight.”

Azzi rolls her eyes, but Paige can see the day weighing on her, the way her eyelids look heavy and eyebags darken the skin beneath her eyes.

“Fine, but you have to promise you’ll go back to your apartment after this.” Azzi buries her face into her pillow.

“Promise. After a few more shots.”

“You need to take care of yourself.” Azzi’s voice is drowsy, and Paige watches as her eyelids flutter as she begins to struggle to stay awake. “At least until…”

Her voice faded away as her eyes slipped closed. Paige leans in close, desperate to hear the end of that sentence.”

“‘Til what, Azzi?” She whispers. On one hand, she wants to hear what the other girl was going to say. On the other hand, it’s late and she knows how important it is for Azzi to get enough rest.

Luckily, Azzi’s eyes open and meet Paige’s, soft and so deep she feels like she could drown in them.

“Until I’m there to take care of you.” She says it so casually, so matter of fact. It steals the breath from Paige’s lungs.

She’s taken care of herself for a long time, and she’s always been proud of that. It wasn’t until she met Azzi that she let herself even open up to someone else, and she never thought that she would ever want someone to take care of her.

But it hadn’t even been a choice with Azzi. Before she had realized it, the other girl had wormed her way into Paige’s mind, her heart.

She thinks about the last time she had seen Azzi in person, the morning she had left Azzi’s house to head back to her dad’s to move to UConn. She’d woken her up, way too early, and nearly cried thinking about how much she would miss seeing Azzi’s grumpy face every morning.

She’d almost said it then. Those three words. Cocooned in a pile of warm blankets before the sun had even risen, Paige could pretend that they weren’t about to be separated for who knows how many months. She could pretend that this wouldn’t be the biggest test their relationship would face yet.

She had wished that she could have just stayed there, with the girl she liked, safe from the rest of the world. But the world didn’t work that way, and she’d left Azzi behind with a promise that they would always be truthful with one another, and that they would always be best friends, no matter what else happened between them.

It’s a promise Paige knows she will be able to keep. She can’t imagine a force on this earth that could keep her from Azzi, and she knows Azzi feels the same about her.

When Paige finally focuses back on the call, she sees Azzi asleep, with the camera still on her. She packs up her stuff, and takes the short walk back to her dorm with nothing but the sound of the crickets and Azzi’s soft breaths keeping her company.

By the time she finally slips into bed, it’s past 1AM and Azzi is deeply asleep on the other line. But Paige doesn’t hang up. She plugs in her phone and leans it against a pillow.

As she looks at Azzi’s peaceful face, she feels it swelling within her. That same urge from months ago to just say it. This time, secure in the knowledge that Azzi won’t hear it, she opens her mouth to say it.

But just at that moment, the wifi lags and the call drops. She stares at her home screen, a photo of her and Azzi from the past summer, her hair a patchy purple as she pouts at the camera. Azzi is beside her, beaming at her with that squinty eyed, dimpled smile that Paige knows is her Paige smile.

She flops to lay on her back. Maybe it was destiny that she hadn’t been able to say it. Because Azzi deserves to hear it from her mouth for the first time. And Paige deserves to get to say it to her, to get to see her face light up, and then to, hopefully, hear it back.

#azzi fudd #paige bueckers #pazzi #dont really care so much for this one but ive been staring at it long enough

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