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high school sweethearts (rafe cameron x reader) III
these are the requirements, if you think you can be my one true love
WARNINGS: mature content; dark!rafe, dub!con, corporal punishment, domestic violence, substance abuse & addiction, controlling behavior, coercion, manipulative behavior, stalking, toxic relationship, attempted suicide, kook!reader
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in spite of your refusal, rafe decided that the two of you were going shopping. it was the last thing you wanted to do, but rafe had an obsession with showing you off to everyone who had working eyes.
ironically, he didn’t hate when men looked at you–at least not while he was around. he loved it. he got a rush from watching other guys ogle you and know they could never have you. you hated public affection, but he loved to kiss you or walk around with his hand dangerously low on your back wherever you went just for wandering eyes.
fancy dinners, midsummers, the country club, charity events; anything that he got parade you around like a prized showhorse. you were sure rafe only took you to those things just to rub it in his father’s face. the child with a reputation of being a drug dealing deadbeat had a smart, well-mannered, soft-spoken girl hanging off his arm everywhere he went. one with reputable parents and was pursuing a college education. it made ward red in the face to know that someone like you was committed to his son, and it made your boyfriend feel overjoyed.
today was no different–not at first.
the last place you wanted to be was in a shopping center filled with rich kids and tourons, but rafe insisted that he wanted to buy you new clothes for the rapidly cooling weather. fall was in full swing and he refused to have his girlfriend walking around town in out-of-season fashion. it made no sense to you; rafe never cared about fashion being in or out of season, but you didn’t feel like putting up a fight.
the exhaustion of pulling your clothes on and off repeatedly was starting to overcome you. your skin was sticky and itchy from the hot fitting rooms, your feet were aching from the mary janes squeezing against your toes, and all the noise was overstimulating you.
usually, you wouldn’t complain. you would just suck it up until rafe decided to take pity on you and bring you home with pounds worth of shopping bags that you didn’t even want in the first place. it was just something you had to do and there was no use in fighting him on it.
this time, however, you weren’t in any mood to be pulled around by rafe beneath the fluorescent, sterile lights of a crowded mall.
after the second hour you began huffing and dragging your feet. you were sure rafe noticed, but he said nothing; you were still going along with it enough for him to leave it alone. it was hour three that you actually began to put up noticeable resistance. still he said nothing.
you hoped that your incessant whining would annoy him enough to take you home, but it was of no assistance.
your shoes clicked against the linoleum floor loudly as you stomped behind your boyfriend, jaw clenched and lips jutted out in a glossy pout. rafe’s fingers laced through yours as he led you around, paying no mind to your silent tantrum. you exhaled again, feet planting firmly into the ground as you tugged your hand away from him.
that was what made the blonde finally turn back to face you.
“i wanna go home, rafe.” you folded your arms across your chest as you said it, eyes wide and glaring up at your boyfriend just a few steps away.
he rolled his eyes in response, tongue in cheek. he was clearly annoyed, but you continued pushing anyway.
“we can leave soon, baby.” he reaches for your hand again but you step back to avoid his grasp. a pair of blue eyes squint at you in reaction to your act of defiance.
“don’t ‘baby’ me.” you snipped at him. “i wanna leave now, rafe. i’m tired–i didn’t even want to come here in the first place.”
he reaches for you again silently, his silent response only managing to irritate you further. you smacked his hand away before it landed on your waist.
“don’t fucking touch me!” a few people nearby turned their heads in your direction, your raised volume capturing the attention of passerbyers. “you’re not even listening! i just said i wanna go home now, we’ve been here long enough and i’m fucking irritated.”
rafe hardly seemed moved by your outburst, but his calmness was deceiving to the average onlooker. looking down at the hand you smacked away, his head slowly raised to meet your eyes with a look that had you struggling to collect saliva to wet your dry mouth.
the two of you held the tense contact for what felt like an eternity but couldn’t have lasted more than a few seconds. nodding at you, he moved to walk in the opposite direction towards the mall’s entrance. his strong hand snatched you into his hold as he passed by you, long legs leaving you stumbling behind him as he stalked through the center.
rafe’s anger was radiating off of him in waves, so strong that anyone passing by could feel the heat filling the air. he never looked back at you once, but you felt as if he had a second pair of eyes in the back of his head that left your skin boiling.
though his demeanor was calm, the bone-crushing grip he held on your hand as he dragged you through the mall was enough to know you were in for it.
you, on the other hand, couldn’t help the chill that ran through every layer of your being. it was hard to tell if your heart had stopped beating completely, or if it was beating so fast that you couldn’t differentiate each thump of it against your chest. your mouth had gone completely dry and the irritation that once filled you was now replaced with a heavy cloak of dread.
reaching his dark colored truck, rafe opened the back door to place the shopping back in the back seat before slamming it shut. the harsh sound made you flinch but rafe paid it no mind as he dragged you to the passenger’s side. your lips were tucked into your mouth tightly as you eyed him warily, the blond man tugging at the handle to reveal your seat in the car.
the drive to his house was as uncomfortable as you thought it would be. he didn’t turn the radio on like usual, forcing you to sit in silence as you traveled to your destination. it was five minutes in that you realized you weren’t going to your own house like you requested. the realization made your stomach drop. you knew that it meant nothing good was going to happen once you stepped out of the car.
the driveway was empty when the two of you arrived at tannyhill, neither rose or ward anywhere in sight as you approached the large estate.
your footsteps were light and hesitant as you trailed behind your boyfriend, shoes barely making a sound as they landed against the old floors of his family’s house. the feeling of dread intensified the closer you got to rafe’s bedroom. you weren't sure what would happen and the feeling of unknowing unsettled your stomach.
“y’know…” rafe finally broke the silence between you two as his bedroom door clicked shut. “i do so much for you.”
sitting the shopping bags down in the corner, rafe takes slow steps towards your frozen figure. you sniffed nervously and cleared your throat in response. he places a warm hand on your face when he reaches you, the soft gesture not matching the fire in his eyes.
“i do so much for you. all i ask you to do for me…is show some respect.” his pink tongue pokes out the side of his mouth to wet his lips before retreating. “isn’t that right?”
“yeah…” the single word came out just as wobbly as you felt. he nodded at you, eyes flickering down to your bobbing throat as you swallowed dryly.
“‘yeah…’” he mocked your unstable voice. “so–tell me why you think it's okay to talk to me like that? is it ‘cause you don’t respect me?”
you shook your head against the palm he held against your warm cheeks. his gaze was unrelenting and you felt like you were gonna be sick.
rafe already had you on thin ice from going to the cut last week. he was still mad about you blatantly ignoring his request, and this was only another stroke of a hammer to a frozen lake. he hated feeling like you were questioning his authority, but it felt ridiculous to you that your boyfriend thought he had any authority over you as a grown woman. that never mattered to him though; what he says is law in his eyes and if you disobeyed that then you had to deal with the consequences.
cursing at him in public had to be one of the dumbest things on planet earth, but your overstimulated mind couldn’t handle thinking about what could possibly happen. it didn’t quite dawn on you until he started dragging you through the mall, but by then it was too late to fix it.
he had a short fuse and you’d lit it with your thoughtless actions.
“i was just tired, rafe, that’s all.” you pouted up at him in hopes that he’d feel some sympathy for you rather than whatever had his bright blue eyes turn a dark shade of navy. “i didn’t mean to disrespect you. i just wasn’t thinking and it came out mean, i’m sorry…”
“you wouldn’t have to apologize all the time if you just…started thinking, huh?” his hand retracted from your face just a couple inches before reconnecting harshly. his palm stung against your skin, not enough to leave a mark but enough to serve as a warning. “fucking answer me.”
“no, i wouldn’t. you’re right,” the warm tingling of your cheek let you know there was no pouting your way out of this. “i was being dumb. i’ll do better, rafey, i promise…”
manipulation was wrong, but what choice did you really have? despite rafe being quick to anger, his soft spot for you was a weakness you’ve learned to use to your advantage over the years.
when you looked up at him with pitiful, teary eyes and used that cute nickname for him in that little voice that pulled at his heartstrings, how could he stay mad at you? how could he reprimand you when you were being so sweet, so docile?
you knew very well that he was wrapped around your finger even if he did have the upperhand in the relationship, and you would absolutely play on that when you needed to.
like right now.
“baby…” rafe sighed at your wet eyes, demeanor softening at the sight. he thumbs over the skin of your cheek where he struck just you moments earlier in a soothing manner.
looking down towards the floor you begin picking at your nails, the glossy french tips occupying your line of sight instead. it was something you always did when you were nervous, but this time it was only for show.
“i’m really sorry.” if rafe were so close he wouldnt have heard the words leave your mouth. you prayed to whatever deity was watching over you to let the act work; rafe’s punishments were nothing you wanted to be on the receiving end of at the moment.
rafe exhales again before removing his hand from your face. pulling you into his chest, he leans down to place a kiss to the top of your head amidst your embrace. if it wouldn’t completely jeopardize the situation you’d jump for joy. you melt into his arms, your own limbs moving to wrap around his lean torso. his hand reaches up to stroke over your head sweetly as he speaks into your scalp.
“go lie on the bed.”
you tilted your head up at him in confusion. his softened eyes started down at you expectantly before glancing pointedly at the bed a few feet away. your feet carried you to the frame hesitantly, brows coming together as you pulled yourself up on the mattress. you’d barely settled before rafe was right there with you, his soft lips capturing yours in an embrace.
a sound of surprise on your end was swallowed by your boyfriend as he kept your lips connected. his hand came up to cup your jaw, using his thumb to pull your chin down and give him access to the pink of your mouth. you felt his tongue roll over yours gently a few times, the wet sound of saliva mixing filling your ears.
there was nothing rough about it. even when he nipped at the flesh of your puffy bottom lip, he would take it in between his own and take away the sting of it. his air mingled with yours, and the taste of him almost distracted you from what got you here in the first place. he was good at that–distracting you.
so good, that you don’t notice the sneaky hand traveling between your bodies.
you jolt when a pair of fingers lands between your legs, ones that were not your own, and traces over the thin fabric of your underwear. rafe stopped you from pulling away, the hand on your chin moving to the back of your head to keep you in place. it was hard to focus on reciprocating the kiss when you were trying to stop yourself from pushing your hips up into his slow moving hand.
the feeling of him ghosting over your panties had you whining involuntarily, face heating up with embarrassment after the sound escaped your dry throat. rafe pulled away at the noise, a small smile grazing his lips as he watched you from above. you didn’t even notice that you were grinding into his barely there fingers, desperate for him to give you something more. it had been weeks since you touched yourself, and the last time rafe touched you was before you tried to break up with him.
“you’re so cute…” rafe spoke softly against your parted lips. a breathy chuckle escaped him when you frowned at him frustratedly. “stop pouting, it’s not gonna make me go any faster.”
despite him saying that, you feel him apply more pressure to your now pulsating clit. the friction of the fabric separating his fingers from your bare skin felt good, but not good enough to satisfy you for long. he stroked you from the bottom of your clothed slit all the way to the very top of your pussy before traveling back down and repeating the action.
the slow, tantalizing circles around your attention���seeking bud made you feel just as miserable as you felt desperate for him to continue.
rafe’s eyes scanned every inch of your face; the way you trapped your lip between your teeth to keep yourself quiet, the way your big, glossy eyes stared up at him, how your breath hitches when he applied the smallest amount of pressure. there was no hiding anything from him, not when both of you could feel the arousal leaking through the thin, pink fabric that kept your modesty.
he chuckled breathily when you brought a hand down to meet his wrist. you were sure if you wanted to push him away or pull him in closer.
“what is it, baby?” rafe asks curiously. he raises a dark blond brow at the soft whine that slips from your mouth, the answer not satisfactory enough for him. “know how to cuss me out, right? your mouth works just fine–use it.”
you blinked at him slowly, the snippy response on the tip of your tongue being forced down with the saliva gathering beneath the pink muscle.
“can you…” the words were shaky as they left you, partially due to the teasing fingers spreading your wetness through your underwear. “c-can you touch me…please?”
rafe never made you ask him for anything. he always knew what you wanted, and he was more than willing to give it to you. you were a shy person and that timidity didn’t suddenly disappear when you two started being intimate with each other. it was hard for you to open up to him in that way, and he always made sure that you felt comfortable with him.
if he asked what you wanted, it was normally just teasing. he never really expected an answer and your mousy whimpers were enough for him to keep going. this was not something you were prepared for.
the blonde tilted his head to the side, feigning confusion. the way his digits were pressing into your entrance over the material made your lips part to allow a puff of air to escape.
“touch you?” he said. briefly his eyes flicker down to the hand between your legs being hidden by the fabric of your skirt before returning to meet your eyes. “am i not touching you?”
“but–i…” he was touching you, so you couldn’t argue against that, but he knew that wasn’t what you meant. “you are but th-that’s not...i mean really touch me.”
“but i am ‘really’ touching you?” you pouted at him, eyes straining as you tried your hardest to prevent them from rolling. “you want more?”
rafe made no moves to oblige to your request when you started nodding your head frantically. instead he squinted at you, blue eyes burning against your skin fueled by his irritation.
“y’know, you’re being kinda…ungrateful, don’t ya’ think?” his tongue sneaks out to moisten his pursed lips. “i’m being so nice and you aren’t even thanking me?”
the hand not occupying the space between your legs travels to take place on your face, his strong fingers pushing in on your cheeks to squish them together roughly. you could feel the pads of the digits digging into the hardness of your teeth and it made you wince from the pain.
his fingers hook beneath the fabric of your panties and move them to the side. the cool air blowing against your newly bare skin was barely noticeable when all of your focus was on your boyfriend sliding through your slick folds. rafe’s face remained stoic even when you released a borderline pornographic moan from the sudden skin to skin contact, his grip on your face preventing you from hiding the sounds of pleasure.
he’d barely touched you and you were practically leaking; it was embarrassing. it’d been forever since you felt relief and he could tell, especially when the sticky mess was all over his fingers. you wanted so badly for them to sink inside and graze against your sensitive, gummy walls, but they never went any deeper than grazing against the entrance.
“i know what m’girl wants, what she needs–” rafe’s voice is soft but he looks the very opposite. the one-eighty almost gave you whiplash; he was being so sweet just a few minutes ago and now he looks just as agitated as he did on the ride home. “i know what you want, baby, i promise…”
you have to force yourself to not chase after his retreating hand with your hips. the loss of contact brings your mind out of its fuzzy, dazed state, bare pussy exposed to the blasting air-conditioning.
his thick digits are glistening in the light and covered in your arousal, strings of the sticky substance connecting his fingers together as he examines them in front of your face. with the hand on your face he forces your mouth to open wider, the flavor of your excitement coated the pinkness of your tongue. the sudden intrusion makes your mouth water reflexively and a sound of protest makes its way out.
“but what you need, is to learn how to be fucking grateful for what i give you.” rafe drags his fingers in and out of the moist coven of your mouth, making sure to thoroughly cover your tongue in the slick that was collected on his fingers. “you should be grateful that i even touched you at all instead of shoving my cock in that nasty fucking mouth.”
you almost gasped at the vulgar language but it was interrupted by his fingers shoving themselves deep into your throat. he was unmoved by your gagging, his face getting so close to yours that your noses touched. you could feel stray tears starting to run down your face and leave wet trails in their wake.
watching as he gathers a pool of saliva in his cheeks, you could do nothing to stop him from allowing it to fall into yours. you feel it land in the back of your throat where his fingers were and flinch. the taste of him joins your pre-release in being fucked down your clenching throat by his fingers, your incessant coughing and gagging no deterrent to him.
in fact, he finds some joy in it. he chuckles at the sound of your struggling, eyes focused on the wet mess created by your mouth.
“but you don’t even deserve that…my dick is too good for you. filthy ass mouth needs to be cleaned before i’d ever give it to you. ” his blonde locks fall in his eyes as he shakes his head in disapproval. “you know what–get the fuck up.”
pulling his fingers out of your mouth completely and releasing your face, he snatches you up to your feet. he drags you to his bathroom, one of his hands flicking on the lights while the other digs into the flesh of your bicep.
you watch as he opens the medicine cabinet above the sink and slams it back shut, a white box visible in his hand from the mirror. he releases you for a moment to rip the packing open and reveal a brand new bar of soap. a state of paralysis overtook you from where you stood, eyes following him silently as he cut on the faucet. his gaze is fixated on you through the reflection of the mirror as he allows the bar of soap to foam up underneath the water.
rafe pulls you close, not giving you any chance to escape as he traps you against the bathroom counter with his back against your chest.
“open your mouth.” he says sternly. when you don’t follow instructions, his free hand reaches up to force your jaw open. “i said open your mouth!”
the bitter taste of dial disturbs you, the oval shaped bar scraping against your teeth as it’s shoved into your mouth. a muffled sound of rejection is silenced by the soap occupying all of your senses. you watch in the mirror as rafe holds both you and the foamy bar in place.
“‘i just wasn’t thinking, rafey, i’m sorry.’” the mocking words were a repeat of what you said earlier. “yeah, you are sorry–but i bet you’ll start thinking now.”
it felt like an eternity that he held the bar between your lips. when he finally pulled it away, you immediately leaned forward to spit out the substance. rafe was quicker than you, though, his large hand smacking against your lips to prevent you from ridding your mouth of the residue. your hand flew up to his wrist in an attempt to remove it but he doesn’t budge, his palm firm in its placement.
“no, you’re gonna keep it in that dirty fuckin’ mouth.” his voice was harsh in your ear, more annoyed than empathetic towards your desperate squirming. “you think some tears are gonna save your ass? not this time, baby…bet you’ll remember to watch how you talk to me, huh?”
nodding frantically, you plead with your eyes in the reflective glass before you. it was getting hard not to swallow the saliva pooling in your mouth and you weren’t sure how much longer you could handle the harsh taste of filmy, anti-bacterial suds.
you filled your mouth with handfuls of water as soon as he released you. no matter how many times you brought the liquid to your lips to rinse the residue away, it was all you could taste. rafe remained stiff at your back, the heat of his body radiating against yours as he observed you judgmentally.
“remember how that shit tasted before you ever talk to me like that again, alright?” rafe all but spits the words out at your hunched frame over the faucet. “next time…i won’t be so nice.”
you glance up into the mirror and follow his back as he exits the bathroom. straightening up to your full height you’re met with the disheveled state of your reflection, dry tear stains over your cheeks and chapped lips left behind to show for the mercilessness of your boyfriend. the counter beneath fell victim to the crushing pressure of your fingers as your knuckles strained from the tightness of your grip.
sniffling, your tongue lolled over your chapped lips to moisten them before retreating back to its place. your throat bobbed as you forced the saliva down your throat, the sound of your gulping audible in the silent bathroom. you could hear rafe was shuffling around the bedroom a few feet away, footsteps traveling back and forth as he went through the shopping bags to presumably separate his stuff from yours.
rafe hadn’t done something like that in…in forever.
the last–and only–time it happened was because you called him out of his name. you could suddenly remember the taste of lavender scented hand soap being scrubbed across your tongue by his angry fingers as he cleaned the words out of your mouth. the way your stomach turned when you would accidentally swallow the liquid every time he pushed too far down your throat. how he treated you like a petulant, misbehaving child deserving of corporal fucking punishment like it was the 1950’s.
you’d nearly forgotten that even took place–maybe because your brain decided it was a memory that had to be blocked out in order for you to stay with rafe after it occurred. you wish it had remained at the forefront of your mind so you wouldn't end up in the position again.
splashing water onto your tearstained face, you wipe away the mess before warily joining rafe in the bedroom on the other side of the doorframe. the end of the mattress was occupied by his body, the back of his head being the first thing you see.
“come here.” his voice was softer than it was earlier but it still startled you, heart beating through your chest as he beckoned you towards him.
you were suddenly reminded of the wetness between your thighs as you approached him. the way your folds slid against each other beneath your ruined underwear as you took hesitant steps in his direction. it made you feel dirty–even after being gagged with a bar of soap.
pulling you between his legs, rafe rests his arms around your waist as you stand before him. he stares up at you apologetically, almost, eyes soft and bright as he toys with the hem of your sweater. your arms hung awkwardly by your sides, stiff and unsure of where to go.
“you know i just want you to do better right?” he asks. “i’m going to marry you one day, y/n, and my wife can’t talk to me like that…especially not in public. you understand why i had to do that right?”
you say nothing. it feels as if you’re on autopilot the way your head nods, the movement almost a reflex you’d learned just to appease him.
“i can’t keep letting it slide anymore, baby. you’ll just keep doing it and i can’t let everyone think i’m–i’m a pushover…’cause i’m not. i don’t want people thinking i can’t handle my girl–you get that, right?” he nodded his head and you followed his movements, still on autopilot. “you help me be better too, y’know…i just wanna do the same for you, okay?
“okay.” the single word came out so softly you weren’t sure if he heard it. your hands came together to pick at your nails, the slightly grown-out french tips falling victim to the nervous habit.
rafe unwrapped his arms from around your waist and pulled your hands apart as he took them into his own. the warmth of his palms thawed out your freezing fingers, blood rushing back into the tips. his lips ghosted over your knuckles as he blew hot air over them and rubbed the coldness out of them. your body had focused on keeping your organs warm over your extremities, poor blood-circulation a symptom of the persistent anemia you just couldn’t seem to get rid of.
“i love you so much that…th-that i don’t even know how….” he stumbles over his words. his adam’s apple bobs as he swallows, collecting his thoughts before speaking again. “i do what i do because i love you, not because i wanna hurt you. i’d never do anything to hurt you on purpose, so don’t ever think that…okay? do you understand?”
you believed him, even though it was the last thing you wanted to do.
truly, you believed he didn’t do anything to hurt you. you knew that he never really had any bad intentions with his actions. rafe was irrational, short tempered, and had never seen what a healthy romantic relationship looked like in his life.
even with all of his flaws, has never hurt you just for the fun of it. he was mean sometimes, sure, but he was like that with everyone. actually hurting you has never been on his agenda, which is probably why you allowed yourself to stick around so long before. however, most of the things he did were reactionary to losing control. it was one of the few things he lacked in his life and he hated when the little he had was taken away from him.
you were, quite frankly, the only stable thing he had.
if anything were to threaten that stability he would lose his mind. he would do whatever it takes to eliminate that threat; even you. he couldn’t lose you, not when you were all he had. his dad treated him like a disgrace, sarah barely liked him, and sure he had friends–but if he didn’t have money or status, would they stay with him?
you’d seen rafe at his absolute worst, but you never left. when he barely treated you like a human you stuck around because you saw something in him that no one else did. he knew that even if he left, you’d still take him in with open arms and love every part of him. you understood him in a way nobody else could, and he so desperately needed that.
violence and wealth is what his father uses to maintain control over him and everyone else, so that’s all rafe knows how to do. that’s what he was taught, and it’s hard to unlearn when it works so well.
you’ve seen the things he has done to other people that have crossed him, and though he loved you to the ends of the earth, he would have no problem doing the same thing to you. he made good on his threats to the people that have done him wrong. you knew this first hand because it was you that washed the blood of his hands and bandaged his knuckles. you’d seen the dents in his golf clubs and the scratches in the paint of his car that looked an awful lot like fingernails. you never question it because getting involved in the world of drug dealing rich kids isn’t something on your list of priorities, but you were well aware of what he did to people.
he knew scaring you would keep you around, so that’s what he does. keeps you in a constant state of fear. even if it meant giving you a mouthful of soap.
“i understand.” you dropped your chin lower to look him directly in the eye. his long lashes brushed over the tops of his cheeks as his eyes fluttered open and shut. “i know you’d never hurt me on purpose, so don’t worry about that. i love you…and i’m sorry.”
rafe sighed heavily–out of relief or exhaustion? you weren’t sure.
opening up your hand to reveal your palm, you watched as he brought it close to his face to place gentle kisses over the skin. you felt him press his lips against each section of your hand from the bottom to the top, no area left untouched. turning it over, he repeats his previous actions. each knuckle on your right hand is left tingling by the pink, pillowy flesh.
“you’re so perfect for me…my perfect girl.” he whispers loud enough for you to hear, eyes opening up to stare back into your watchful gaze above him. “you’re gonna be my perfect wife, too; i know it. gonna put a ring on this finger right here–”
taking a hold of your forefinger, he places a kiss there in the same manner he did your other fingers. he keeps his lips there longer; the intimate action makes your stomach do a flip and your heart swell. you’d felt so many emotions today that you wanted nothing more than to turn your brain off–but he made it so impossible.
“and make you mine forever.” rafe finishes the sentence after pulling away. he laces his fingers into yours and pulls you in with his freehand on your lower back. “everyone’s gonna be so jealous because they can never have you–could never be you.”
even though it killed you to admit it; you wanted it just as much as he did. well, probably not as much–but you’d be lying to yourself if you said you couldn’t see yourself with him forever. the idea of him putting a ring on your finger put a smile on your face even when you tried your hardest to suppress it.
fear wasn’t the only thing keeping you around.
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Why Bisexual Jon Snow Could Work /srs
Jon Snow is bisexual and here's why.
Aight, I'm aware the queer rep in asoiaf is pretty eh for the most part. Sweets is cool, and Loras and Renly have a nice implied relationship but Dany and Cersei having gay sex scenes felt way more fetishized than actually meaningful representation, especially since neither character considers a romance with a woman. Because of this, I'm gonna say that while I think this could be a valid direction to take the story, I'm like 50% sure that GRRM won't write it. Then again, it's been so long between books that times have literally changed and FnB seemed to have a ton of queer relationships so who knows.
Ok, ok, so I've laundered my argument; we all know why we're really here. Jon Snow could be bisexual and that could be really important for the story. Why?
First and most obvious is that it's another parallel with Dany. Jon and Dany have had storylines that directly mirror each other, especially in books 3 and 5. Dany is confirmed bisexual by the narrative, since she has regular sex with her handmaiden Irri, although because of her position of power over her, she tries to limit them. And, as already mentioned, she never gets to be romantically attracted to a woman. Maybe that's coming in future novels, who knows, but all that to say Dany and Jon mirroring each other on the bi front is not inconceivable, especially when you consider that there is already evidence for Jon being bi.
I'm sure most of you deep into this discourse(?) have probably predicted that I'm going to talk about Satin. And if this story does go in the 'Irri' direction, Satin is definitely the candidate for Jon's male love interest. He's a former prostitute from Oldtown, which mirrors another of Dany's handmaids (Doreah I think) and he's Jon's steward, like Irri is to Dany. Other characters also seem to think that Satin has kinda slept his way up the ranks to being Jon's steward, confirming at least that this idea is in GRRM's head. I wanna take a look at a few scenes and see how they could imply a future relationship between Jon and Satin. Take a look at this fight scene between Jaime and Brienne (I promise this is relevant.)
"'Give me the sword, Kingslayer.'
'Oh I will.' He sprang to his feet and drove at her, the longsword alive in his hands. Brienne jumped back, parrying, but he followed, pressing the attack. No sooner did she turn one cut than the next was upon her. The swords kissed and sprang apart and kissed again. Jaime's blood was singing...
...The dance went on. He pinned her against an oak, cursed as she slipped away, followed her through a shallow brook half choked with fallen leaves. Steel rang, steel sang, steel screamed and sparked and scraped, and the woman was grunting like a sow at every crash, yet somehow he could not reach her."
To me this scene has always read as implicitly foreshadowing Brienne and Jaime's future romance. Words like "kissed" or "grunted" or "pinned her against a tree" feel implicitly romantic/sexual, even the way the scene is described as a "dance." Jaime even says at a later point "Might I have this dance my lady" to mock her. Of course there is plenty more in the story as a whole that foreshadows Brienne and Jaime having a relationship, but I use this as an example because I want to point out how GRRM sometimes writes a fight scene as romantic and sexual foreshadowing, or at least that can be how some scenes are interpreted. Now I want to look at the scene where Jon trains Satin.
"It's too heavy," the Oldtown boy complained.
"It's as heavy as it needs to be to stop a sword," Jon said. "Now get it up." He stepped forward, slashing. Satin jerked the shield up in time to catch the sword on its rim, and swung his own blade at Jon's ribs. "Good," Jon said, when he felt the impact on his own shield. "That was good. But you need to put your body into it. Get your weight behind the steel and you'll do more damage than with arm strength alone. Come, try it again, drive at me, but keep the shield up or I'll ring your head like a bell . . ."
This scene reads similarly to me. Words like "jerked," "rim," "get it up," even the one word sentence "Come," can read as sexual foreshadowing in a similar way to Jaime and Brienne if you are given context that Jon and Satin do end up together. In particular, "ring your head like a bell" reminds me of a scene where Gendry gets approached by a girl but rejects her advances.
"I'm named Bella," the girl told Gendry. "For the battle. I bet I could ring your bell, too. You want to?"
I would be remised if I didn't mention that Jon calls Satin pretty three times in the chapter where he's supposed to be engaged in a battle with the wildlings. Like yeah, that's a bit weird, why are you thinking about that now Jon. Or I could mention the fact that he described Satin’s voice swearing his words as being like song and that he could smell the fresh sweet oils Satin rubbed into his beard. Jon… buddy you got something you wanna say? I’m joking of course: you don't have to be queer to recognize another man's beauty. What I think puts this into perspective is if you compare this to how he describes Val, someone who it's generally agreed upon that he takes an interest in.
Here's a quote where Jon describes Satin:
"The boy claimed to be eighteen, older than Jon, but he was green as summer grass for all that. Satin, they called him, even in the wool and mail and boiled leather of the Night's Watch; the name he'd gotten in the brothel where he'd been born and raised. He was pretty as a girl with his dark eyes, soft skin, and raven's ringlets. Half a year at Castle Black had toughened up his hands, however, and Noye said he was passable with a crossbow."
Now here's Val:
"Val stood on the tower roof, gazing up at the Wall. Stannis kept her closely penned in rooms above his own, but he did allow her to walk the battlements for exercise. She looks lonely, Jon thought. Lonely, and lovely. Ygritte had been pretty in her own way, with her red hair kissed by fire, but it was her smile that made her face come alive. Val did not need to smile; she would have turned men's heads in any court in the wide world."
I mean, the fact that "pretty" is a word used to describe both Ygritte and Satin is a connection that I shouldn't need to point out the significance of, but I digress. If you actually compare these quotes, both look like neutral descriptions of someone's appearance in isolation, however in context, you have to ask why the author shows you this stuff. Why does Jon comment on how good looking both of these characters are so often? It doesn't seem like there would be any other purpose to these, again, repeated descriptions of both Val and Satin other than to highlight that the fact that Jon finds both of them attractive is important.
Again, none of this proves anything outright. I mention this because this is the sort of thing where if you reread the books with this lens, suddenly more things start to jump out at you, and it can read like obvious foreshadowing you missed. Like when Catelyn sees her reflection in some armor and comments on how "drowned" she looks. It doesn't mean too much on a first read, but when you know what happens to her, it's some clever foreshadowing.
Another big reason I think Jon getting with Satin might be important is that you can see it as a pivotal part of Jon's character arc, specifically Jon's sexual awakening storyline. When Jon first has sex with Ygritte, she's the one who initiates the interaction. In fact she has been doing that the whole time he's had her hostage, teasing him with advances and mocking him for his inexperience. In the famous cave scene, Jon's thoughts are how he wants to bang her, but also about how it would be in conflict with his vows. That's the main reason he never has sex with her until she incites it on her own; it's not because he doesn't want to. It's because he thinks it would violate the words he swore at the weirwood.
So Ygritte begins this part of his arc, and Jon discovers that he likes having sex, how original. But he still feels reservations about it, during the act and afterwards. After all, his people resent him for being able to openly take a woman to bed with him, while they have to go to Mole's Town to dig if they want to get any action at all.
My view on this is that the story is heading in a sex-positive direction with respect to Jon. There’s plenty of theming about this “why is it a sin if it feels so good” etc etc. The books are full to the brim of people feeling needlessly guilty about having casual sex, Jon especially. Where I think this is headed, therefore, is probably something like a wildling understanding of sex; Jon has to view sex as Ygritte did, because that was always the healthiest way for him to go about it. Except this time, to complete his arc, he is going to need to take the initiative himself and embrace his desires like Ygritte did. Her teasing him for not doing this was trying to get him to come out of his shell. It would feel strange to me if this went nowhere. Jon needs a future romantic/sexual partner so that he can feel no qualms with taking the initiative with them. How he learns to do that is up to George but suffice it to say, however uncertain I maybe that this partner will be Satin, a future romance is in the cards for Lord Snow.
So Jon's in a bit of a bind here from a meta perspective. If we want him to complete his sexual awakening storyline, he's going to have to take the initiative himself with a partner without feeling any inhibitions. But he can't do that if he's still a brother of the Night's Watch because of the aforementioned conflict with his vows. But he's not going to stop being a crow, his vows are important to him. So how do we reconcile the fact that Jon's character arc about his sexuality needs to be resolved, but he also needs to keep to his words? Simple: make his next partner male so it doesn't violate anything.
I've actually thought this could work as a plot point for anyone either in the Night's Watch or the Kingsguard. One of these men surely has to consider at some point the obvious loophole of "so I can't bed a woman, but what about a man?" and how that affects their honor or whatever. It just slots kinda nicely into Jon's storyline here. Another reason it really works is that Jon is looking to socially progress the Night’s Watch: unity with the wildlings, defending Satin from homophobia etc. Him realising the obvious flaw of the vows for not considering that men can be romantically involved through his own experiences as a bi guy can help him begin to dismantle the outdated nature of the customs. He’s framed as this sort of reformer, and being a queer bastard (who is also probably the lost heir to the Targaryen dynasty) makes this thematically poignant. He’s an outcast, but also a king.
Of course, he’s always been an outcast, being queer would just help add to that. And this is just one way of writing this arc; I’m not married to this take on this basis alone.
I can so imagine a scene where Jon is having sex with Satin and the lit hearth is positioned behind Satin's head from Jon's POV and it looks like Satin's been 'kissed by fire.' Also, Jon considering how Ygritte would feel about him doing this and coming to that conclusion that she would be proud seems like a great way to end a chapter about the two hooking up because Jon's arc would be basically resolved.
This final part is something that I feel should not be left merely implied: Jon being canonically bisexual would be great representation. This is one of the most beloved and famous heroes in all of fantasy, hell, in all of modern fiction. Making him queer would be a really important step forward for queer rep that should not be underestimated. Verity Ritchie (VerilyBitchie on yt) did an excellent video essay on bisexuality in reality tv, a point from which I'm going to paraphrase: it's really hard to effectively depict bisexuals because any confirmed relationship with another character would look like they 'picked a side.' But in order to continually show someone's openness to sexual attraction to two or more genders, you risk going to far the other way, falling into the bisexual sex demon stereotype. This is a really difficult needle to thread, and is why we have characters like Nick Nelson constantly having to remind us that they're bi, rather than having us just assume they could be. Put simply, we need better bi representation, especially with men and Jon Snow is excellent casting for the role. His relationship to Ygritte is constantly referenced throughout the narration as something he treasures and misses, so there would be no doubt that he was not 'gay the whole time.' But, if the Satin story goes ahead, there can be no doubt he's not queer either. Literature is a great place to put bi characters, I think, since an internal monologue can remind you of past relationships with other characters of different genders and how they mean something to the character in question, but never undermining the integrity of the current relationship.
Me personally, I'd be buzzing for Jon Snow to be confirmed as bi. Really interested to see people's thoughts on this.
#asoiaf#a song of ice and fire#jon snow#satin flowers#ygritte#val#bisexual#jon snow x satin flowers#jon snow x ygritte#bisexual jon snow#jon snow is bi 2024 i will die on this hill /j#please george a crumb of queer rep#brain worms
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Alright mama so. I had this dream about like, a yandere virus/browser extension/antivirus/etc that you just cant get rid of. Watches u through your webcam, and already knows everything that happens on your computer. Maybe finds a way to transfer to your phone so it’s always with you. And if you send any texts to someone that it deems a ‘threat’ it’ll just give them a virus that breaks their device. Yknow? Like it’s pretty out there, but it seems neat
It reminds me of Irris a bit! Just ya know he’d probably steal your digital pets for his own. Other than that I can see him doing something like this ((but also I mean it can be a completely different entity entirely lol sorry I don’t wanna make everything about Irris I have a bad habit of doing that ))
It’s a pretty neat idea! When I’m done with work tonight I might poke around my head and see if I can make a little something!
-Mommabean
#mommabean#anon confessions are amazing#Irris my OC#yandere computer#yandere AI#yandere scenarios#yandere imagines#yandere male#my ocs
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Revisiting my favorite passages in Bronze Fury:
Best of: Helaena+Rhae (so far)
Ch. 5: Helaena and Rhae become friends
"I think that they are both correct," she said quietly, slowing her pace. "I don't think Father likes us very much, but I don't think he wants to say that, so he says nothing instead. I'm uncertain if it is because he finds it kinder or easier..." Helaena trailed off, looking thoughtful. She'd come to a full halt. "I suppose he might try harder if he wasn't sick all the time, though. He tires quickly when I speak with him." Rhae thought Helaena was being generous—She didn't think that matched with her previous assertion that the King was a nice man. Rhae knew of the uncertainty Helaena described—she had faced similar questions about her own father all her life. All the not-knowing was a pain you learned to endure, but the agony never truly ceased. "Well, he's missing out," Rhae said angrily. Helaena looked startled at her fierceness, and Rhae flushed, embarrassed for having yet another outburst. "I mean it." She grumbled. "I like talking with you plenty." Helaena's look of concern broke into a warm smile as she reached down to squeeze Rhae's hand. "Thank you, Rhae." Helaena said, swinging their arms slightly. "You're a good friend." Rhae wasn't sure anyone had ever considered her a friend before. She gazed at their swaying hands together, making her mind up in an instant. She didn't care that they'd only just met—she'd be thrilled to have Helaena as her first.
Ch. 5: Helaena comforts Rhae during Viserys' Daemon lecture
Rhae channelled her growing anger into a tight fist resting on the table. The King didn't notice, but the Princess did. Helaena worked her way closer to their end of the table as time passed, walking her middle and index fingers along the streets of the model city. Once she had slid into the seat next to Rhae, she walked her fingers to Rhae's clenched hand, which had lost all feeling. If Helaena's middle and index fingers were the legs on which her hand walked, the pinky and pointer served as its arms. She gently knocked on Rhae's enclosed fist with her little finger, and for the first time in nearly an hour, Rhae's hand unfurled. Rhae's hand now flat on the table, Helaena placed hers atop and gave a light squeeze.
Ch. 5: Helaena introduces Rhae to her favorite insects
As they waited for dinner to be brought to them, Helaena gave Rhae a tour of her various insects. She was introduced to a centipede named Irri, a mantis named Willifer, and a large beetle named Nara before the servants announced their presence at the door.
Ch. 6: Helaena builds bug enclosures and teases Rhae about Aegon
Rhae collapsed into the nearest seat, massaging her scarred skin as Helaena set to work. She had three glass cases to fill, and Rhae watched as the princess filled each with dark, rich soil. "You even found some worms," Helaena giggled, holding one writhing for her to see. "How'd you carry these so far, anyway? They're awfully heavy." "I got Aegon to help," Rhae said, trying her best to sound nonchalant. "Of course," Helaena nodded, a mischievous look in her eye. "He is always most eager to please you."
Ch.9: Helaena and Rhae discuss their dreams
Once changed, both girls crawled onto the mattress from opposite sides. The bed was massive, leaving ample space for either of them to lounge and stretch. And yet the two met in the middle, so close that Rhae could feel the warmth of the princess's breath on her face. "What was your dream about?" Helaena whispered. "It's not important anymore." Rhae meant it. The ache in her chest had faded almost as soon as she'd stepped into the room. In the darkness, Helaena's hand found Rhae's. "I wanna hear." ... "I dunno... it was like here, in the Red Keep," Rhae murmured. "Everything was exactly as it was supposed to be." "Was I there?" "You were. Same with Aegon and Aemond and all the rest, except..." Rhae sighed. "One moment everything was fine, and the next it wasn't." Helaena wriggled closer, legs bumping against Rhae's beneath the blankets. "What happened?" "Nothing happened. But... I knew something would, and no matter what I did, I couldn't stop it. That was the scary part." Rhae could hear Helaena's hair rubbing against her pillowcase, and she could only assume she was nodding her head in the darkness. "I know what you mean," the princess breathed. "My dreams are like that, too." "Really?" The sound of hair on silk intensified, and Rhae smiled despite her sadness. "What do you do?" "There's nothing to do, is there?" Helaena mused. "We can't help what we see." "Oh... I suppose you're right." "This is nice, though," Helaena continued softly. "It's good to know that even when you can't see your friends, they're still there. I'm glad you came by tonight... I feel a lot better." Rhae sniffed, throwing an arm around her friend's neck. They tangled beneath the sheets, cuddling closer, daring the world to pull them apart. "We'll always have each other, then." "Promise?" "I promise."
Ch. 11: Helaena gets brutally honest
"Gods Rhae," Aegon said, as he and Helaena joined them. He surveyed her closely, his brow knitting together in concern. "You look like shit." "Aegon!" Aemond glowered. "What?" Aegon argued. "She does!" "You do," Helaena whispered, taking Rhae by her right arm as her brothers bickered.
Ch. 12: Rhae on Helaena's talent for hiding bugs on her person
Only the back of her head was visible, but Rhae was certain Helaena had retrieved her favorite spider. From where , Rhae was less certain: pockets, sleeves, the folds of her dress were some of Helaena's favorite hideaways. One time, when Alicent had made her empty all three, Rhae had even seen Helaena tuck a weevil into her hair.
Ch. 12: Helaena backs Rhae's decision to face Daemon alone
"We could go with you," Aemond says. "No." "Rhae..." Aegon begins. "Rhae will face her father alone," Helaena says hollowly. The trio turns to face her, and she shrugs, still frowning at the dead spider in her hand. "You two won't always be around to help. Rhae needs this."
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What are your favorite K-pop songs of 2022?
Oof let me pull up the list, lots of songs in 2022. Favorites of the favorites are:
Eunbi’s solo songs (Glitch, Underwater) - she might be my favorite solo artist overall (EDIT: in terms of recent releases)
Seulgi’s Dead Man Running. Should’ve been the title song
Le Sserafim’s Good Parts. - Nice and chill
Loona’s Pale Blue Dot. - Nice and chill too.
Kep1er’s Up! - Great feel good song
Fromis_9′s Up And. - Also a great feel good song
SNSD’s Forever 1 - Nostalgia, and happy for them
KARA’s When I Move - Likewise
ITZY’s Cheshire - My favorite ITZY comeback song by far
Dreamcatcher Handong’s Winter - Great B side
Dreamcatcher Yoohyeon’s For - Another great B side
Month by month below...
January:
woo!ah! - Catch the Stars
Kep1er - Wa Da Da purely for the dance practice where they clap their hands in sync, so satisfying.
Wheein - Make Me Happy
Yena - Smiley
Yein - plus N minus
February:
StayC - Run2U
March:
Jay Park - Ganadara
Oh My Girl - Real Love, Drip
Purple Kiss - memeM
April:
Kwon Eunbi - Glitch
Dreamcatcher - Winter, For
May:
Le Sserafim - Fearless, Blue Flame, Sour Grapes
Seventeen - Hot. Very catchy.
June:
Jo Yuri - Love Shhh!
Loona - Pale Blue Dot
Fromis_9 - Up And, Cheese, Rewind. This mini is really quite good!
Kep1er - Up!
July:
WJSN - Last Sequence
Viviz - Loveade
IRRIS - Wanna Know
August:
SNSD - Forever 1
IVE - After LIKE
Rocket Punch - Flash
September:
Chuu - One and a Half, I know it's a cover, I like the song.
NMIXX - Dice purely for the vocals.
October:
Seulgi - Dead Man Runnin', 28 Reasons.
Mamamoo - ILLELLA
Kwon Eunbi - Underwater
Le Sserafim - Good Parts, Impurities, No Celestial. Really like this mini.
(G)I-dle - Nxde
Jo Yuri - Loveable
ALICE - Dance On
November:
YooA - Melody. Wish this was the comeback song.
woo!ah! - Rollercoaster
Ryu Sujeong - Pink Moon
KARA - WHEN I MOVE
ITZY - Cheshire
December:
Yein - Bus Stop
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Etienne’s Top Fives of 2022: Kpop Edition - Rookies
Getting started with my top fives for 2022 with Kpop rookie groups that I really enjoyed this year. If you want to see what other lists are in store, you can find that linked in my about me section (along with ones for previous years).
For the rookies list in Kpop, I’m not counting unit groups from inside a pre-existing group (those get lumped in to the body of work for their groups). This list also does not include redebuts (where all members are redebuting) because the ones of those that made my list were established enough that I thought that they fit better elsewhere. To be clear, I’m using Rookies to mean “groups that had their debut during the 2022 calendar year.”
The list (with representative MVs) can be found after the cut!
This wasn’t a year where I have a huge huge list of rookie groups, but some of the ones that caught my attention really caught my attention and could probably make a go for my top 5s lists in non rookie categories honestly. So I’d say it’s been a pretty good year for rookie groups overall.
Here’s a shoutout to the groups that made my preliminary list (this is in order of when I encountered them and lists their debut year MVs that I watched and enjoyed): ILY:1 (“Love in Bloom” / “Que Sera Sera”), CLASS:y (“Shut Down”), TrendZ (“Who” / “Clique”), Tan (“Walking on the Moon”), Irris (“Wanna Know”), and CSR (“Pop? Pop!”)
Special Mention (but these are actually Jpop rookies): &Team
“Under the Skin” https://youtu.be/0utfT0nbuTA
“Scent of You” https://youtu.be/69IT-53ULZA
(MVs for these only linked because of embeded video limits, though tumblr might have changed the number on those since last time I was paying attention.)
I really enjoyed &Team’s debut (and I was pre-invested because of the I-land competitors that I was excited to see debut). Overall, I’ve liked their music so far (though there’s not a lot of it), and they are good performers that I can tell I’m going to enjoy continuing to watch. They weren’t in contention for this main part of the list because they are technically Jpop and slated as such, though debuted through Hybe, but I felt remiss leaving them out entirely.
Biases: Nicholas, EJ, Yuma
5) Younite
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I was excited for Younite because I was happy to Eunsang getting his proper debut in a group that will hopefully last pretty well. I was fond of him in PDX101 and X1, and I was really hoping that he would get a proper chance to actually get a debut that wouldn’t be mired in problems (and all the downsides of competition shows). I’ve really enjoyed Younite’s cuter/brighter concepts so far, and they seem to mesh pretty well as a group, so I’m looking forward to seeing what they do next!
Biases: Eunsang, Eunho
4) Kep1er
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I had complicated feelings about this group going in. Yujin is one of my CLC biases, and her going on GP999 was sort of the moment where I knew for absolute sure that CLC was coming to an end, but I also really like Yujin, and really liked Xiaoting already from Chinese competition programs that she’d been on, and was curious about other people on the show. I didn’t watch GP999 (just some of the performances with people I was already interested in), but when Yujin and Xiaoting both made it into the group, I checked out Kep1er’s stuff, hopeful that they’d do well for themselves. I’ve been happy with their music and enjoying their stuff overall so far! So at least I’m glad that it looks like this is providing a strong path forward for Yujin and the others.
Biases: Yujin, Xiaoting, Bahiyyih
3) NewJeans
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Here’s another group where I went in nervous, but for a completely different reason. They’re so young! I do appreciate that their concepts and styling have been geared to their age and from what I’ve seen of their behind the scenes stuff, they seem comfortable and allowed to act their age. I really like their songs, and they’ve got incredible voices, especially for how young they are they are so stable. They’ve also got good choreos, and a lot of stage presence. This group is going places. I appreciate that they really seem to have good group dynamics. I’ve liked every song that they’ve released so far, except “Cookie.” But so far, “Hype Boy” (above) has probably been my favorite, though their new release “Ditto” is giving it a run for its money on that front. This is definitely a group that I look at and go “babies” though. I look forward to watching them grow up more and accomplish new things, and I’m pretty sure that I’m going to be so proud of them!
Biases: Haerin, Danielle
2) Tempest
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This is a group that I was so excited for! I loved Hanbin on I-land, and I’ve loved LEW and Hyeongseop since they were on PD101S2. This group 100% came through with a bright, strong, very them sound from the start. They’re fun to watch, great performers, and have for me a no skip discography so far (very rare for me). I dithered between “Bad News,” “Taste the Feeling,” and “Can’t Stop Shining“ (above) for their representative song because all three really represent for me the sound of Tempest that I enjoy so much. I’m really excited to see where this group goes as they keep making more music!
Biases: Hyuk, Hyeongseop, LEW, Hanbin
1) Le Sserafim
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I have been looking forward to Yunjin’s debut for so long! And Le Sserafim absolutely nailed it this year for me. I love their sound! I love the way they work their voices together! I’ve really enjoyed their behind the scenes stuff and group dynamics. They had a rough start with controversies and losing a member to them, but they’ve come through strong and with an excellent sound. I absolutely think that they’re just going to keep getting better. I love how they’ve at times incorporated Yunjin’s opera training and Kazuha’s ballet training into their performances and overall body of work. I love that they’ve already got members involved in songwriting. Yunjin’s self composed song “Raise y_our glass” that they made basically a little MV for is spectacular (https://youtu.be/7hBf9Fxsg6M). I’m looking forward to what they do next as a group!
Biases: Yunjin, Kazuha
#Etienne's Top Fives of 2022#Kpop Edition#Rookies#personal#Kpop#Le Sserafim#Tempest#NewJeans#Kep1er#Younite#&Team#feel free to come talk to me about any of these groups!#though I am definitely more invested in some of them than others
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but then! sleep is mine. (nov 25, 2022)
My Tumblr (and irl! he's a real person it's wild) bestie requested that I start doing daily updates on my account, sort of like I did for Tranquil's Studyblr Challenge (which I still need to do the last question for, oops!), and who am I to deny the public their wishes? Now that planning is done and this feature has finally arrived, I hope that I'll be able to keep up with it to some extent as time goes on! Thanks for the idea, and let me know what kinds of things you want to hear about in these posts :)
The Day, In Short
So, on Tuesday night, I got zero hours and zero minutes of sleep, and I've been using the holiday to catch up on that! So I slept about ten hours last night + napped for two today, and, as per usual, got made fun of for it. But I do not care! *smug* Everyone is just jealous that I love sleep with my new meds--they've made my sleep way deeper and falling asleep easier, which has really improved my relationship with it! On the plane yesterday, I fell asleep before we were even in the air, and I didn't wake up once. The best flight experience ever :)
I've had trouble focusing on reading these past few days, though. I brought Lockwood & Co. book three with me to visit family, but my attempts to read have been pretty pathetic. I think the focus issues might be a mix of accumulated lack of sleep & anxiety (unfortunately VERY related), so I'll need to be a bit easier on myself when it comes to reading for the next week or so, I think. Shorter phases of focus, more reading out loud!
OMGOMG LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT
Wednesday: I'm visiting family right now, and my youngest sibling convinced me to start watching Wednesday on Netflix with him today. We got through the first two episodes, and I'm thoroughly entertained! I absolutely love the costuming, the way it creates very distinct, whimsical aesthetics for characters like Marilyn Thornhill, Enid, and Wednesday herself! I'm looking forward to seeing more, though now I'm craving a reread of The School for Good and Evil trilogy (the second trilogy doesn't exist to me, sorry not sorry!), which has the same deliciously discomfiting aesthetic, but with relationships I find a lot more compelling! (Let's just say a lot of crying happens in the series, and I love it for that!)
Partner in Crime: See, I keep leaving really sad songs on repeat and then wondering why I've been so moody and anxious. A few days ago it was Lana Del Rey's "Ultraviolence," and now I'm back to Lucy Dacus's "Partner in Crime," particularly the Spotify Sessions acoustic version. The guitar sounds so close by, rubbing nicely against my ears when I listen with earbuds, and the chorus gets me every time, which is perfectly consistent with past Lucy Dacus favorites (FOREVER HALF MAST FOREVER HALF MAST), where her fluid shifts in and out of her delicate higher range keep me in awe. Listen for how she sounds on "city that never sleeps" and cry, folks. CRY.
Wanna Know: So Irris made their debut back in July, apparently, but I didn't hear this song until it came on shuffle a week ago. I'm so glad it did, because I'm absolutely obsessed! It reminds me of Gugudan's "Shotgun" in terms of structure, with the main attraction of both being a bubblegum-pop prechorus that drops into a deadpan chorus, but I think "Wanna Know" really leaves its mark through the performances. I'm glad they put the rap in the bridge--it amplifies the energy so well, just like LE's bridge rap in "Up & Down"--and I find their vocals very satisfying and memorable! That rap is absolutely captivating, though--I'll be keeping a lookout for Liv in the future :)
things that make brain buzz
I'm not actively working on any big writing projects (outside of academic papers for school, that is!), but I have been reading and annotating an old favorite, the Lockwood and Co. series, which I'm really excited to do some writing about! I have so much to say about this bizarre, fantastic series and the impact it's had on me, to the point where I get pretty overwhelmed just thinking about it. I really struggle with long-term writing projects, ones where I want to cover a lot of content and a lot of ideas, so this is one avenue through which I'm hoping to practice formulating more expansive projects--a big step towards creating the kind of content I dream of!
I've also been collecting material for a more personal essay, one about my experiences with Alba Reche's music & winter. Her newest collection of music, honestamente triste, has reminded me of the many cold, isolating days her music has been my company throughout, and I've been feeling just sentimental enough to want to revisit them in writing.
Will I Do Anything Interesting Tomorrow?
There's a new Friendly Space Ninja video, so that's on my priority list for tomorrow! My focus issues with reading have unfortunately extended to YouTube listening, too, which is really sad because my little corner of YouTube brings me ridiculous amounts of joy and inspiration. I love referencing video essays in my writing for classes, and I've learned so much about the kind of writer I want to be from the YouTube creators I obsess over! I've still been saving videos in my to-watch list, though, so hopefully not too many will get lost in the shuffle during this phase!
Otherwise, I just need to take my flight home and find some good things to eat, because I've been missing out on meals / eating very lightly lately, and that's made things really tough for me :( I might go out for ramen, or make a quick Walmart run for sandwich wraps!
Quote of the Day!
OMG NO NOT HER COUSIN
-- me
#apparently i have a lot more words stored up than i was expecting!#also hynn's 'orpheus' is fantastic: i just don't have much to say about it yet!#from writing this i learned that THERES A SCHOOL FOR GOOD AND EVIL MOVIE ON NETFLIX????? can't believe y'all didn't tell me#six keeps on running#journal#wednesday series#lucy dacus#irris#irris liv
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IRRIS (아이리스) - WANNA KNOW The 1st Mini Album [Debut] (2022)
2022.07.06
Track List: 01. WANNA KNOW *Title 02. BYE BYE 03. STAY WITH ME
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Yonghoontual's favorite Releases of 2022 Part 5
Heyhey! Here are my top 15 debuts of the year! Not including solo debuts of established group members, unless that group doesnt exist anymore.
Love in Bloom by ILY:1
Higher by Fifty Fifty
Generation by Triple.s AAA
Walking Through the Moon by Lee Su Jeong
Monochrome (Color) by Atbo
Du Du Du by Tan
Athletic Girl by H1-Key
Fearless by Le Sserafim
Wanna Know by Irris
Pop?Pop! by CSR
Attention by NewJeans
Play by Yuju
WooAh! Hip by Mamadol
Hush Rush by Lee Chaeyeon
Smiley by Choi Yena
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Summary of musical year 2022 k-pop:
BANDS DEBUT: Acid Angel from Asia - October 28, 2022, with "Generation". Apink Chobom - July 12, 2022, with “Copycat”. Astro – Jinjin & Rocky - January 17, 2022, with “Restore“. ATBO - July 27, 2022 with "Monochrome (Color)". Blank2y - May 24, 2022 with “Thumbs Up“. Classy - May 5, 2022 with "Class Is Over". CSR - July 27, 2022, with Pop? Pop!". Got the Beat - January 3, 2022 with "Step Back". H1-Key - January 5, 2022 with "Athletic Girl" ILY:1 - April 4, 2022, with “Love in Bloom“. Irris - July 6th, 2022 with “Wanna Know“. Kep1er - January 3, 2022 with “WA DA DA”. Lapillus - June 20, 2022 with “힛야! (HIT YA!)”. Le Sserafim - May 2, 2022 with “FEARLESS”. Mamamoo+ - August 30, 2022 with "Better". Mimiirose - September 16, 2022 with "Rose". NewJeans - July 22, 2022 with “Attention”. Nmixx - February 22, 2022 with "O.O". Shinhwa WDJ - December 6, 2022 with "Flash". TAN - March 10, 2022, with "1TAN" Tempest - March 2, 2022 with "It's Me, It's We". TNX - May 17, 2022, with "Way Up". Trendz - January 5, 2022, with "Blue Set Chapter 1. Tracks". Viviz - February 9, 2022, with "Beam of Prism". Younite - April 20, 2022, with "Youni-Birth".
SOLO DEBUT: Baekho - October 12, 2022 with "Absolute Zero". Chaeyeon - October 12, 2022 with "Hush Rush". Choi Ye-na - January 17, 2022, with "Smiley". Choi Yoo-jung - September 14, 2022 with "Sunflower". Jin - October 28, 2022 with "The Astronaut". Kihyun - March 15, 2022 with "Voyager". Kino - August 9, 2022 with "Pose". Kim Jong-hyeon - November 8, 2022 with "Meridiem". Lee Chan-hyuk - October 17, 2022 with "Panorama". Minho - December 6, 2022 with "Chase". Miyeon - April 8, 2022 with "My". Nayeon - June 24, 2022 with "Im Nayeon". Seulgi - October 4, 2022 with "28 Reasons". Wonpil - February 7, 2022 with "Voiceless". Xiumin - September 26, 2022 with "Brand New". Yerin - May 18, 2022 with “Aria”. Yuju - January 18, 2022, with "Play".
#2022 debut#Solo Debut#debut#musicians#new music#multifandom#Multifandom blog#multi fandom blog#news#breaking news#k-pop group#K-Pop news#kpop news#kpop fandom#kpop#shinhwa#apink#kep1er#le serrafim#mimiirose#tan#tnx
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IRRIS has released a set of teaser image for the MV of “Bye Bye,” a track from their debut mini-album “Wanna Know.” The MV is scheduled to be released on October 5th.
[Apple Music/iTunes] [Spotify] [YouTube Music]
#irris#teaser#irris: teaser#irris: bye bye#irris: wanna know#i.l#irris: i.l#liv#irris: liv#yunseul#irris: yunseul#nina#irris: nina
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K-Pop Debuts and Comebacks for the 2nd Week of July 2022 (July 4-10 2022)
Jul 4
ENHYPEN - Future Perfect (Pass the MIC)
HYBE maknaes ENHYPEN return in this confident track.
youtube
YOUNGTAK - MMM
Trot star YOUNGTAK returns in this suave performance.
youtube
Jul 5
WINNER - I LOVE U
The boys of WINNER return in another vibey summer jam!
youtube
WJSN - Last Sequence
Talented girl group WJSN are back as classy mermaids in this confident track.
youtube
Jul 6
H1-Key - RUN
Rookie girl group H1-Key makes their comeback in this chill summer track.
youtube
IRRIS - WANNA KNOW
REDSQUARE re-debuts as IRRIS in this jazzy track.
youtube
KANG DANIEL - Don't Tell ft. Jessi
Top male solo artist KANG DANIEL and talented rapper Jessi collab in this sexy track.
youtube
VIVIZ - LOVEADE
Popular girl group VIVIZ is back for the summer in this refreshing track!
youtube
Jul 7
MCND - MOOD
Rising boy band MCND is back with another high-energy party track!
youtube
Jul 8
aespa - Girls
The girls of aespa return with another fierce performance!
youtube
Jul 9
No releases.
Jul 10
No releases.
What is your favourite song of the week?
#enhypen#enhypen future perfect#youngtak#youngtak mmm#winner#winner i love you#wjsn#wjsn last sequence#h1-key#h1-key run#irris#irris wanna know#kang daniel#kang daniel don't tell#jessi#viviz#viviz loveade#mcnd#mcnd mood#aespa#aespa girls#kpop#k-pop#kpop debut#k-pop debut#kpop comeback#k-pop comeback#kpop 2022#k-pop 2022
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IRRIS - WANNA KNOW | [part 2]
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STAY WITH ME
Get ready for IRRIS's MV release for Stay with Me!
2022.09.14 11AM (KST)
#irris#stay with me#wanna know#irris world#irriscord#redsquare#good day#goodday#kpop gg#kpop#kpop girl groups#girl group
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Fall 2022 Music Update!
So I keep this wall of sticky notes that I update with songs that take my fancy throughout the season, and now that it's December, it's time to take off my fall stickies and start a new wall. So here we have, loosely ordered from favorite to least favorite, my song stickies from the past three months!
Dead Man Runnin' -- Seulgi (i feel like it's sinful of me not to like los angeles or anywhere but home but at least i REALLY REALLY like this one)
Second Nature -- Dayglow (LONG DAYGLOW SONG!!!!!!!!!!!)
Turn Around -- Dayglow (when they say "i sure could use some sleep"...)
Gen Ai Yugi -- Garnidelia (this one reminds me that toku produced my favorite song of all time! garnidelia definitely still has it)
Weekend -- Betty Who
Talking to Light -- Dayglow
Cosa Suya -- Clara Cava
IDK -- EXID (i talked about it here!)
No Celestial -- Le Sserafim (i love the lyricism, and they sound beautiful!)
Orpheus -- Hynn (for fans of e'last! me... i'm fans of e'last...)
28 Reasons -- Seulgi
Underwater -- Kwon Eunbi (chorus good yes. and i really like how eunbi sounds here!)
pensando en ti -- Lara91k (i talked about it here!)
Dance On! -- Alice (i can't exactly say i like this song, but i keep listening to it, which it should get credit for!)
Vision -- Dreamcatcher (i put fairytale on one of my playlists, but this is definitely my favorite from the album!)
Someone Else -- Betty Who
Sunflower (P.E.L) -- Choi Yoojung
Late to the Party (songs from the spring/summer that it took a while to notice):
no cambies tu andar -- alba reche (this song helped me survive an airport on my own, i couldn't be more grateful)
esa también fui yo -- alba reche
Partner in Crime (Spotify Sessions) -- Lucy Dacus (i talked about it here!)
Kyomedaria — Alfakyun.
Materia viva (Feat. Anne Lukin) -- Andrea Santiago
Deep End -- Dayglow (the chorus hits harder every time, and i'm happy to see a track that echoes the aesthetic they established in harmony house!)
After Like -- IVE (i talked about it here!)
Wanna Know -- Irris (i talked about it here!)
ENBII BEIBII — Alfakyun.
Prenderle fuego a todo -- Andrea Santiago (i talked about it here!)
#my fave songs#will i do a top songs of fall?#probably not--i still find writing about music difficult#but i did want to share this and keep a record in case i do a 2022 songs list!
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