#ironically i've not actually had a good therapist yet

[brb-on-a-quest]

Day Fourteen Day Fifteen Day Sixteen

im SOOOOO SORRY that I left you guys hanging those two days! *cries* the first one I genuinely forget, and the second I was too busy to do it- and I think that this is not the first time this might happen, since the farm (oh yeah, if you're not one of my regular followers, you should know I'm a farmhand lol) is picking up steam, during my down time Im trying to do more physical rest for my body to recover. which means unfortuantely, Ive been spending less time on here in general, and that my longer posts that take more time to write have had to pause for a while.

so, I'm sorry to say but this is the last day i'll be able to do this for a while, but maybe forever. I've had so much fun with it and loved to see everybody's different answers, and how we've all connected!! but for at least a few days/weeks, I need a bit of a break lol. if anyone wants to pick up this game again, with the same list of people I've given already or different ones, you are more than welcome to! and I'm not leaving Tumblr, I'm just not going to do this particular ask game anymore.

our final question: what is something that you you want in your life, and what can you do to achieve it? what steps do you need to take to earn the life you see yourself living?

thank all of you so much! I hope to return again maybe sometime! I wish you all the best :)

Awww no worries gracie! take care of yourself first. Def appreciate all the work it must've taken to come up with good questions. I'll be sure to haunt your inbox soon with hopefully some equally thought-provoking (or not) questions.

ok, actual question: our final question: what is something that you you want in your life, and what can you do to achieve it? what steps do you need to take to earn the life you see yourself living?

To be honest, this question has haunted me for the past...well since before high school. (has it really been almost 10 years since I was a baby highschool freshman?). To be also perfectly honest, my depression and anxiety were so bad I was never convinced I would make it as far as I did... which allowed me to put off answering the question for a long while until the Hour of College Applications approached.

Well, against all previous conceptions of my future, I am still alive and about to graduate in December (literally how) and set to walk across the beautiful stage in May to get my undergrad diploma with some kind of academic honors (I forget the Latin for it). Definitely not the highest GPA, but I am relatively proud of myself considering the effort and, for lack of a better phrase, blood, sweat, and tears that have gone into this. So, steps that need to happen in order to graduate

Pass classes (Preferably with A's but I'm also in a position where hopefully my self-esteem won't die with a B or 2).

Write and Finish my thesis (shaking crying throwing up I don't have enough capacity for this even if it's only 15 pages in Spanish)

Study and hopefully pass a GRE (graduate school readiness exam I think? 'cuz I'm told it's a good idea for master's school applications I can not stress enough how much I hate standardized tests and am so anxious about this that I haven't even opened my books yet, I've just been throwing myself into thesis research instead; I 'know not all schools require this but I'm going into something that's not my major, so I feel some kind of need to prove myself).

Apply to graduate schools for counseling!

Only four things... it shouldn't be so bad.... one would think... (can I please just skip to the part where this is over why do people call college the best years of my life).

The other thing I want to work on is just being a better person and in particular a better friend. My goal is therapy, particularly pediatric therapy because it's such a neglected area where I'm from and also in general I think because there tends to be stereotypes of "oh children can't have mental health problems." but doing that means I want to develop more compassion, friendliness, and patience and gentleness and actual listening skills while being assertive...yk an environment that nurtures personal and other's growth. Which is really hard. Progress has been made but still more to go.

[whiterosechrista]

Introduction

So. I'm realizing (with the vent time post kerfuffle) that it'd probably be a good idea for me to give people a basic understanding of who I am and where I come from, so that they can reference it if any of my posts come off odd/offensive/etc. out of context.

Basic Facts

I'm 24 years old, Caucasian, American, biologically female, comfortable with she/her and they/them pronouns. I'm an introvert who doesn't get out often, but I'm not some basement-dwelling Neckbeard-equivalent. I have a strong sense of empathy, which leads me to want to play mediator often (though thankfully I'm aware of my limits and don't act on every want). My likes include anime, storytelling, art, history, SCP, Kpop, science, outer space, and mac n' cheese (among other things). My dislikes include racism, ablism, homophobia, transphobia, and basically anything else involving unreasonable hate.

History

I grew up as effectively a single child, moving back and forth between houses because my parents were already separated, though not officially divorced. They both loved me, and tried their best to raise me well, but (for reasons I'll touch on later) I definitely bonded more with my mom than my dad. There was one house that at least one of them always lived in consistently, so I think of it as my childhood home.

I was a fairly happy child, I think, though there were some issues with bullying that I can't remember clearly anymore, and it did affect me, though maybe not as much as the school itself; I used to love to draw/paint, and I stopped after I got into school because art class convinced me I wasn't doing it "right."

The teachers (some, at least) didn't like that I learned differently than other kids (e.g. making connections between concepts in Math and English at age ~8), and so made me take one of those "morality tests"; multiple-choice questionnaires about moral decisions like returning a lost wallet (which, btw, I left blank because they hadn't given me enough info about the situation; they decided that meant there was something wrong with me).

(Ironically, this was a Montessori school, which are supposed to be less rigid about teaching styles than standard schools.)

So I transferred to a different Montessori school at age ~10, which had a system where kids would sign their name on their class sheet when they came in, and didn't like that I stopped to say hi to kids in other classes first (for reference, my class was on the second floor, the other kids' were on the ground floor).

Thus, for either this or some other reason, they recommended I go to therapy. My mom, thinking "well, she might have reason to need it", agreed. I spent a while there before the therapist said "this is the most well-adjusted child I've ever seen, please leave so I can tend to people who actually need me."

After about a year of this school, Mom asked if I'd like to try homeschooling, and that's what I've been doing ever since (though technically what we did was unschooling, which is a bit different).

It was after I started homeschooling that I started writing, got really into anime to the point of learning Japanese by watching it, and made my best friends to date.

I've done things like ballet, gymnastics, parkour, circus arts, piano, roller derby, and sang/played at Girls' Rock Camp/Club Boston (though I think the name's changed to be more gender-inclusive). I don't do much of this stuff anymore, though I might get back into it at some point.

Pre-Covid, I was taking drawing classes and Japanese classes (mostly for reading it, since anime didn't teach me that), and back in 2022, I got officially certified to teach English as a second language (though I've yet to find a job, unfortunately).

I'm currently living in an apartment with my mom, sitting around with a sprained back, hoping that it'll heal in time for my best friend to take me on a Duck Boat tour in Boston on June 2nd, and blogging for the first time in my life.

I hope this has helped. It feels like an info-dump, but apparently I can't make anything concise, so here we are.

Feel free to ask/comment/dm me for more details about anything (or just to chat). I might not be comfortable with sharing some things, but most things I should be fine with. Just be respectful about it and we should be good. :)

Edit; just realized I didn't touch on why I bonded more with my mom than my dad. The short version is that mom is open-minded, gentle (though she can definitely be stern), and always asks what I want before doing something, and my dad sort of doesn't always "get it." For instance; the moment I turned 16, he started badgering me about getting my driver's license, even though I barely went anywhere that wasn't in walking distance and anywhere I didn't could be accessed by either public transport or someone else driving me. He also wanted me to do SAT prep and similar things, got stuck in the "Alternative Medicine" rabbithole and somehow still manages to be surprised that my mom won't make me try it without my consent (for reference, this was after I sprained my back; it's not the first time he's wanted me to try Alt Meds and definitely not the first time my mom's refused). So, yeah. He's not a bad guy, and he definitely tries, he's just a bit too stuck in his own world sometimes.

[whatspastisprologue-blr]

Here, in Pacific Standard Time, it's officially January 1st, which means it's happy birthday to Joey Batey!

I finally started watching The Witcher about a year ago (as in, probably 1 year ago next week) and was almost definitely listening to TAD by February, though I don't recall when exactly, so January itself is basically going to be my "anniversary of listening to TAD" month.

Just want to add my voice to all the birthday wishes out there. I've never before listened to a singer/band where it's like there's a "before I heard this" and an "after I listened". I never knew what it was like to have a song/singer/band change your life.

But then I found out that the fantasy TV bard is actually a bard in real life and decided to go find this fairly obscure indie band from about halfway around the world's music and... I can still remember that drive to get Chinese food for my Dad and I for dinner.

It's been a tradition for a long time that when Mom is gone for the night, like if she's out of town, I go to pick up dinner for the two of us and then we eat while watching murder mysteries (often, Shakespeare & Hathaway, ironically, though I don't recall if we happened to watch Joey's episode the same evening).

So, I'm getting in the car and I figure, why not listen to a few songs on the way? I had no idea, none, what I was getting into. I didn't know that driving in the car to pick up dinner was probably not the preferred listening experience when hearing TAD for the first time. The most intense I'd heard Joey get while singing was Burn, Butcher, Burn.

And I'm pretty sure the first song that came on was The Old Witch Sleep And The Good Man Grace.

I think it was, because I was so confused about what the actual fuck was I listening to, and overwhelmed by what the actual fuck was I listening to, and wow, Joey just goes off like that normally, doesn't he? I think I was actually a bit intimidated/scared.

I'm almost fairly certain that the next song I heard, as I was approaching the restaurant and parking, was That Unwanted Animal. I'm fairly certain because I know it was the first time I ever heard Madeleine sing and I remember the "priest that you ignored" really hit me hard. (I was so unprepared for Madeleine; at least I'd heard Joey before via The Witcher, but holy shit, Madeleine and her Fae force of nature voice.... I think the first thing I thought of upon hearing her voice was actually that terrified/awed/scared-and-horny moment from Witcher S2, after Yennefer kicks that one dude in the balls, and Jaskier was like, "She's so scary!" In that moment, listening to That Unwanted Animal and hearing Madeleine's voice for the first time, I was Jaskier and she was Yennefer.)

I tried to listen to Farewell Wanderlust when I was doing dishes one evening but quickly realized that listening to that song while doing dishes was not the preferred listening experience I switched to Secret Worlds, which was better.

All that to say, a year later, I still remember the first 4 songs from TAD I ever heard. And I haven't been the same sense.

I went to the ER one evening in March because my cat got a claw stuck in a curtain, then flipped out and bit me when I got him free, and laying there at about 3AM, I quietly sang "Not Yet/Love Run (Reprise)" to myself.

Over the summer, when my Mom and I had an argument and she went off alone to have some space, I gave her space for a while and then I heard Madeleine, in my head, singing, "I know the kindest thing is to never leave you alone." So I went out to see if she needed company and she did.

Songs like Farewell Wanderlust, The Calling, and Drinking Song have helped me feel seen, and helped me express myself. I really struggle to let myself cry but Chords hits me in such a raw, painful place that when I know I need to cry, I play Chords as a cheat to get myself to cry. I intend to tell my therapist to listen to TAD, or at least some of their songs, to express where I'm at.

So, I know a lot of this has to do with TAD in general, and Madeleine, but I also mean all of this as appreciation for Joey. I understand he's the main songwriter and, of course, one of the two lead singers. I just wanted to share how he, through TAD in particular and with Madeleine, has made such a positive impact on my life, just in a year.

This weird, strange, bizarre, surely-he-can't-be-real, funny, goofy dude who's incredibly talented and intelligent and a horrible baker who drops "that's what she said" jokes into a love song but also came up with "let foul men band and heed your hum, for that ancient hymn you heard me strum, is naught but fumble-falls and guns and tumbleweeds, love run. It's naught that rum won't solve, though some would harm you, none, not one, no one would raise to you a hand or thumb, not while by you, I stand and hum". He has a preoccupation with hair, especially his own, did the Dear Hearts Drive video with the alpacas, and said Jaskier's clan animal would be a penguin. He's like chaos personified. He seems so sincerely sweet and kind but is also just this total wild card where you don't know what he'll say or do next.

So, happy birthday to this half-feral Fae from the depths of some forest or wood or bog from Northern England who occasionally emerges to grace us with another dose of therapy in musical form, or make us laugh with some terrible joke, or give us more feelings about gender, or make us all look not-so-respectfully at our TV screens because he's only buttoned his shirt halfway again (again).

[croissantlover24]

So why did you say sorry? Why were you saying sorry for his mistakes?

me when the trauma hits tbh

It would taint his reputation and make him seem unqualified. He wasn't unqualified. That was the one statement he was ironically—and almost comedically—firm in believing. Because if he was unqualified, then what was he good for? What use would he have? And even worse than that, Sun would have been right. The mere thought made him seethe.

There is a LOT to unpack here but the gist of it is that Moon needs therapy

"I'm sorry," you repeated. You searched for the words you wished to say. There were so many, and yet, your throat felt dry at the prospect of actually saying them. "I'm sorry for avoiding you. I'm sorry for breaking my promises. I'm sorry for being so rude to you after you were so kind to me." "Kind?" Moon sneered, his voice a hiss. "I haven't been kind to you! I just practically stabbed you!"

ME TOO READER

"It's my own fault you were driven to those extremes," you countered, "and it was an accident. I should've just explained to you why I was so upset instead of running away." "It's not your fault," Moon insisted. Inside, he was a cauldron of emotions, guilt, frustration, and sorrow swirling inside of him. Outwardly, however, he was blank. Empty. Wooden. Reliable.

Oh GOD reader is so mecoded.

"It's fine," you promised, even though you knew you dreaded his company every time he came to your place of work.

ME TOO READER

"I've been rude about this, I know. We both made mistakes. But, please, if not from a therapist to a client, then from a friend to a friend… why did my arguing with Sun bother you?"

The Trauma

The door swung open. Sun narrowed his eyes at the sight before him: you, eyes red from your unshed tears and arms wrapped with bandages, and Moon, his claws still slightly darkened by dried blood. "What," he snarled, "happened here?"

SUN. GET OUT.

"You were holding them down in a chair?" Sun scoffed. "No wonder they hate you." Moon flinched inwardly. "They don't hate me! W-We're friends." Sun grinned a cruel smile. Your heart sank. "Oh, really? That's not what they told me."

OH NO

OH NO

OH NO

Sun's smile widened. He seemed entirely unlike the energetic, child-loving figure who had entered the ice cream parlor all those days ago. "They told me when I asked them if you two were close, and I quote, 'We are not friends; we are not close. We have no familiar relationship. Nothing.'" Sun's reciting of your words was like a knife to Moon's chest.

SUN I SWEAR TO GOD.

You didn't see him as a friend. He wondered what you saw him as. Forged degree. A criminal, most likely. The notion hurt him more than he thought it would.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

"Are you going to finally leave them alone now?" his brother questioned in a cold tone that made Moon want to both scream and sob simultaneously. Moon nodded slowly. "Good. They don't need you," Sun deadpanned. He walked out of the office with the cunning and strategy of a snake planning when to pounce.

Sun is highkey abusing Moon and GOD I want to just yoink Moon away from Sun

Work was boring. Far more boring than usual. The only thing that brought you energy in the ice cream parlor was your anxiety. Your nerves turned against you to pounce on every little thing you were insecure about, especially regarding Moon. You hadn't seen him in several days. Your nervousness took advantage of this and made your heart flutter with anxiety every single time you pondered your words to Sun, the ones that he said to Moon. It was a mistake. You shouldn't have said that. But was it too late now? Moon would never understand, would he?

Reader......

You wished Sun hadn't said that, but you don't blame him. You shouldn't have spoken about Moon like that in the first place.

Speaking of Sun…

The glass door to the establishment opened with a ring of the doorbell as the solar animatronic trotted through. He came up to the front desk, joyful. "One banana split, please!" He grinned widely. You took his order and got to work on it. "So many kids in here," he said incredulously. His eyes widened at the sight. "I'd love to work with kids all day." You had a feeling he had said this to you before. You didn't focus on it too much.

SUN. GET OUT.

Sun frowned at your lack of response. "You're not still upset about Moon, are you?" he accused. "You should be glad he's done pestering you." "I'm not glad," you bit back with gritted teeth. "I shouldn't have ever said those things about him." "But it's true, is it not?" Sun countered. "He's not your friend. He's caused you problems. He is a thorn in your side and nothing more, one that I took out for you." You sighed.

UGHHHHH SUN YOU... I SWEAR IF I GET MY HANDS ON THIS SUN.

You needed to talk to Moon again, but when? Where? You weren't sure. You hated being unsure. You loved routine and predictability, loved staying within your circle. But why did you find yourself missing how Moon once ripped you out of it constantly?

:D

I love how every time Sun comes up, you’re yelling at him lol

Yeahhhh lots of angst in this chapter. You thought Moon and the reader were going to have a heart-to-heart conversation? WRONG.

[nervousmistycat]

tag game time!!

Disclaimer: I'm bad at saying stuff so the answers are gonna be a bit short and maybe weird? idk

01) Are you currently in a serious relationship? uuuh yeah? kinda? my qpp is so awesome so yeah

02) What was your dream growing up? idk, at first I wanted to be a therapist and stuff, then a designer for many stuff, and now I'm just here

03) What talent do you wish you had? doing everything right the first time, cause I've quit so many hobbies for the sole reason I wasn't excellent first try lol

04) If someone bought you a drink what would it be? probably coffee? or a matcha drink. Actually, now that I think about it, my beloved once bought me my favorite drink from my fav place unprompted so yeah.

05) Favorite vegetable? uuuuh, first that comes to mind is broccoli

06) What was the last book you read? I was about to start a series but I already forgot the titles so that's fun

07) What zodiac sign are you? taurus I'm pretty sure

08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? only the basic earring ones, I want more piercings, still not sure about which tattoos specifically but i do want some

09) Worst Habit? everything lol

10) What is your favorite sport? I don't play sports, but to watch it would be ice skating

11) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude? honestly, kindof pessimistic but i would say its more of a realistic one

12) Tell me one weird fact about you. I'm pretty sure I have a shit ton of health problems but going to the doctor in general makes me have anxiety attacks so I won't go willingly LMAO

13) Do you have any pets? MY DUDE!!!!! he's just a little guy who has no thoughts (yorkie dog)

14) Do you think clowns are cute or scary? I think they are just there, but some of them have some amazing makeup skills (I could never)

15) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be? I just want to be a racoon or a cat.

16) What color eyes do you have? very dark brown

17) Ever been arrested? not yet.

18) Bottle or can soda? cans, so i can take the opener thing off the top and collect it.

19) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it? just put it into savings cause I'm too indecisive to use it on anything instantly

20) What's your favorite place to hang out at? idk, probably in my egg chair so

21) Do you believe in ghosts? i belive they are just little guys

22) Favorite thing to do in your spare time? nap

23) Do you swear a lot? sometimes? its kinof weird because sometimes i'll be like a sailor but other times i forget those words exist

24) Biggest pet peeve? being a bigot

25) In one word, how would you describe yourself? myno

26) Do you believe/appreciate romance? i read a lot of fanfiction so

27) Favourite and least favourite food? lagasnga or however that's spelt and least is onions (the texture BLEGH)

28) Do you believe in God? i think it would be funny that every single one of them is in a shared space, so all religions are kindof right and wrong at the same time

29) What makes you happy: my friends

30) Currently listening/the last thing you listened to: heatwaves LMAO (I swear it's ironic)

31) Favorite place to spend time: idk, my phone?? dont really have a physical place

32) Favorite lyric: you know the one from the crane wives, curses

33) Recommend a film: uuuh, idk the truman show?

34) Recommend a book: THE LUNAR CHRONICLES

35) Recommend a band, a song, or album: uuuh crywank is good

36) Recommend a TV show: genloss

37) Where are you from, and do you still live there? Where have you lived? im in the same place ive always been

38) Do you have any pets or animals in your life? How did you find/get them? ma dog, we adopted that guy from a friend of my father

39) What's the most unusual thing you've ever eaten? idkk ants? dirt? sand?

40) How did you 'find' fandom? wellll, i was on amino

41) Make a list of 5 things that you see without getting up. my bolillo purse, a creeper, a garfield plusie, a slinky and a ball

42) How do you style your hair? i just hope it looks good when i wake up

#tag games

[mangodestroyer]

So... I'm not diagnosed with BPD (do you mean Borderline Personality Disorder? Sometimes people mean Bipolar instead so I just need the clarification). I'm aware that I am an individual who meets some of the criteria for both conditions... but I do not intend to go and get diagnosed (I'm an AFAB native American and that could spell trouble when trying to seek medical help having something like that on your records, as there is a lot of medical m*sogyny and r*cism). However, any time I have seen a therapist, they focus more on depression and anxiety anyway. As well as my autistic traits. And they pushed me to consider physical issues instead of only focusing on trauma. They may have actually been right. I've started taking iron supplements and feel a lot better. I seem to cope well with CBD products too. And I'm a week into trying out Ashwagandha. Despite all the trauma... was my mental health more of a physical problem?

Anyway, without those things... things can get a little rough. Extremely low moods and mood swings. Extremely low self-esteem. And not to be triggering, but s**f-h**m and s**f-d*structive behaviors have also been issues for me.

Is this something you're looking for in your Crowley?

This above link is a one-shot I wrote about a month ago. It touches on some tr*uma and self-d*structive behaviors. But whether or not it's "good" is up to you. All I know is that I had fun writing it.

I have other ideas too. I just haven't posted them yet. Crowley is also my go-to character for projecting mental health. Especially when it comes to self-d*structive behaviors and moodiness. And oftentimes anxiety too. Yes, I totally see him doing not nice things to himself. Either for the sensation or as a cry for help. I do see him as moody and anxious as well.

Random ask, but does anyone know of any good main-universe fics with BPD-coded/BPD Crowley? Idk if it’s a popular headcanon but it’s my personal one and I think I might just be really bad at searching ao3 (or OCD, that too)

I might be totally projecting onto that poor poor demon but I’m so close to writing my own istg /lh

[dzpenumbra]

3/10/23

I came pretty close to finishing the stone project today. I had good momentum going with it, then my mom called. Not in a bad way this time, actually in a pretty good way.

My car is officially gone. Sold, likely for scrap. Bye Zeitgeist, it was fun while it lasted. I wish I could keep her around, it'd be really useful to have a vehicle to get into nature when summer rolls around... but I'm just afraid the gain is not worth the price. I have no idea how I would get it transported 100 miles up here, I have no idea how long it would sit in the parking lot rusting while I wait for someone to manufacture a part, which... it doesn't seem they manufacture anymore, I guess? She just became a money pit, unfortunately. Me and that car had a lot of memories. And now... she's gone. And that's that. Another stage of life behind me.

While talking with my mom, I started recapping some stuff from my last therapy session, specifically the stuff about how when I feel my life is in threat, I defend my career. And vice versa. That thing. And the conversation just turned into me getting very upset and frustrated with my social support network, and how I really felt they were failing me. And I kept pointing out how all I've needed this whole time was just... friends... to show up at my streams, to hang out, to introduce me to their friends, to give me connections, to give me good reviews, to help me with promotion, to recommend me to their friends, shit like that. To like... integrate me into their social network, you know? Especially since I left social media.

And I have had this tirade so many times I can't even count. And it all felt super familiar. And I hit a point where I actually... called myself out on it, I guess. Because I could tell my mom was a bit overwhelmed and didn't know how to help. And I... I kinda just realized that I haven't had a friend since like... September. Like... half a year. And that friend kept me at arm's length, didn't have a very big social life himself post-divorce, and never even introduced me to his girlfriend, which... ironically led directly to our downfall. Before that... I didn't really have a friend for at least another 6 months or so. And again... kept me at arm's length, this one actually was an extrovert and had a LOT of friends and social connections, but never introduced me to anyone. Noticing a trend here?

But yeah, the big realization in that was... I was upset with friends that didn't exist. I was... I guess I was having a flashback. I guess that's a form of flashback for me. When I reflected on it later, I had this moment where... it reminded me of a scene from a ghost movie where the ghost doesn't know they're dead... and they get reminded... and they like... look a their hands and they're kinda translucent or something. It's really upsetting. And I can see why I'm stuck.

Nothing would make this process of creating my new life easier than having someone to go out into society with me. To wingman, to body double. Instead, what I have to do feels like going to a party I wasn't invited to with like 100 people there and I'm the oldest one there, and I just sorta stand in the corner and watch, and hope to leave the event having met a lasting connection. Again, it feels that way. And a friend would change that, they would give me someone to chat with, something to do in the down time, someone to skate with so I'm not dangerously skating alone, someone to head downtown with, shit like that. But the person that I feel like I need in my life... in order to meet new people... is one of the new people I haven't met yet. They don't exist. So... no matter how you paint it... it's going to be a leap of faith. No matter how I strategize and min-max, I'm going this alone until someone decides to join my party.

It was a sobering realization, and, I think, kind of a breakthrough moment. I think my past several therapists have kinda been gently trying to let me know this... and I've seen it the whole time, but... it just didn't really process I guess. And someone would come back into my life from my past... and reinforce this illusion that there are still people on the bench. When really, they just kinda... wanted something from me. Someone to be impressed by them. Someone to listen to them talk about their passions and be genuinely interested. Someone to treat as a pet project? Someone to vent to. Someone to have a one-way relationship with, in their favor. And I found this out because... they all fell apart catastrophically... the second I firmly stated something that I needed that I wasn't getting. And refused to yield it. With both of the past two. (In fact, more like the past four.) That thing I wasn't getting: spending more time with them, and having that time be a bit more integrated and flexible. Being included in their life, not a vacation spot outside of their life.

So yeah. That was tough, and shook me up a bit. It very quickly goes from... "I'm not sure what to do about streaming" to "I wish my friends would just come and hang out at my stream, I have no idea why they don't, it's just like hanging out at my house or going to a bar with me, I really don't get it" to "my career is completely fucked because no one is supporting me, no one even talks about me, it's like I don't even exist!" to... "oh wait, I don't have any friends". Ugh.

It's making me want to draw. If it weren't so late I'd do it. Draw this character that's like... a lost soul. Right? That's the trope? The ghost, the person trapped in time, where the line between memory and present is blurred. Like a soul self-portrait.

I don't even have a plan for it. Honestly. And the worst part? I don't have a car anymore! XD I mean, it's good but... not so much for on-demand mobility. Maybe I should just ride the bus, it's more social anyway. Idk. Here's my thoughts. I'm guessing the snow is pretty much... done for the year. Close to it, at least. Don't know how many more snowskating days I will get. And I'm perfectly happy if my last session was my last one of the season, that session was sick. However, I don't have a skateboard right now. I have my hybrid electric board, but not a real skateboard. And I think I need to go to the local indoor park and buy one, and skate there. Indoor = no more weather limitations. I just need to see if the bus goes near there, and when, and then I can actually make it a regular thing. I think that would be a really cool thing. And might be my key to meeting weirdos like me.

I'm just... I'm gonna level here. I feel like an infant having people recommend I take tiny little baby steps reintegrating into society. It's really nice to have emotional support and compassion on that, for real. I'm just frustrated that it's even the case. Every time I am face-to-face with people I'm completely fine. Once I get out the door, I'm fine. It's the build-up, the conceptual shit. I just... can't get myself to go to a trivia night, or the board game place up the road, or the arcade across the street from where I skated, or a bar, or the yoga studio. I just can't get myself to do it. And I don't even know why. I could barely even get myself to go to the second hand furniture store when I had a car. Something just... stops me. Gets in the way. That wall of fire outside the door, it's like an instinct or something. It's like when I try to stretch my hamstrings and I know they can stretch further, I've done it plenty of times, but they just won't budge and my knees start to shake. Like something else is pulling back.

So yeah. That's kinda where I'm at. And I'm just gonna take it one day at a time, and try to just build confidence. As I do. All this, on hard mode, because I refuse to fall back into the black hole of social media. Because it predates on my brain functions and makes me lose literal hours at a time. I shit you not, I will sit in bed and scroll reddit for 3 fucking hours at a time and have zero awareness of it, it's really fucking dangerous for me. And social media has been unfathomably toxic lately, like seriously, every time I'm on there I'm seeing super negative and hateful shit. Every time. I'm doing everything I can to reintegrate out of social isolation without using social media, and goddamn is it hard.

Yeah, that's pretty much been the day. Hoping for a brighter next couple days, maybe get outside a bit. Not likely with this whole going to bed at like 6AM bullshit that's going on again, that's a whole other can of worms. But I'm gonna try my best.

There's a nice local-food grocery store up the road from me. I might take a trip up there to kinda poke around and see what kinds of fruits and vegetables they have in winter. It could be a good excuse to practice riding my electric board. :)

[swimmingclassicrockpizzawombat]

Nonsensical disorganized OFFENSIVE rant bc I have no one to talk to, an everyone tells you you can only trust in or rely on yourself and everyone is ultimately alone.

Idk Warning: triggering if you consider yourself my friend ig. It's a rant let me express my fucking feelings man. I need to let it out. You don't have to read this if it'll offend you. Might as well go in my notes app but writing here is comfier and can let me send it to the void.

I guess I will write this here bc it's a better place to write than even my notes app and I know no one actually gives a ducking fuck about what I write or have to say ever.

And I kinda have no one to talk to/rely on... Which ironically is what what I'm writing is about lol

But lately I've been genuinely asking what the point of connecting with other people is?

Idk maybe this is why I have found it so hard to interact with people and just get by with my own company. I just don't see the point.

Like, everyday you hear how you must be self-reliant and self-sufficient because people won't always be there for you... Nay people will NEVER be there for you, you can't trust people or rely on them, either bc they have their own problems or whatever.

And you don't want to come across as a needy little bitch like me, (that's why people always leave you -my therapist and my family)

And surely all my life I've tried to get by on my own. Hell, early on I learned that I couldn't even rely on my own parents (the people that are supposed to take care of you and love you?) for anything and had to do everything myself. I was either neglected emotionally and physically (learning to make myself food) or I even had to parent my own parents. Like, my mom always used me as an emotional dumpster, and whenever my parents couldn't figure something out they'd turn to me, I cannot count the amounts of times they used me as a counselor to help them decide whether they should geta divorce or not... Like my mom talking to me about... how miserable her sex life was.

And... I also have always had the tendency for being the "therapist" friend, even people who didn't know me used to use me to dump their problems on me in middle school bc I was so "mature" and a "good listener" and always knew just "what to say".

If I had a dollar for everytime someone has told me I should study psychology I probably wouldn't need to work at all at this point.

One of the few people from my childhood who still talks to me (more on that later) has even claimed that I literally saved her life on a couple of occasions. I won't go into too much detail out of respect for her privacy but... Let's just say that she was going through a real rough time in middle school, she came from a really neglectful family where her older sister played the part of her mother only to pass away the same year she found out she had a condition that disabled her. On top of that her sister had left behind her three kids who, fell into my friend's caregiving so (first you loose your sister/mother figure, then you are disabled and then you have to take care of three kids while you're in middle school).

Needless to say she was in a rough spot, and many people started treating her differently or didn't talk to her anymore, I remember I would always see her outside of her classroom during recess alone either in a wheelchair or next to her crutches and I would just... Talk to her IG? It could be bc I'm neurodivergent, but I never saw her any differently and would still talk about the nerdy interests we used to talk to about before everything, like the most recent Marvel movie etc (way before it was "cool" to like marvel). Maybe at most it was a "yo what's up? When did you start using crutches? It's been a while since I saw you! Have you watched this movie yet?". Maybe it's bc I'm super dumb and oblivious but I never even "realized" she was technically "disabled" until much later, for me she was just my friend, and sure maybe sometimes I noticed I walked faster and she struggled catching up, but it was never a big deal for us? For me she was the same person I knew before, and I even admired how much of a badass and strong she was? Idk, she was always so tough and never let people get on top of her. She was literally the person you could always go to if you wanted to kick someone's ass or insult them.

I did however notice that at some point she seemed really off and down and when I asked her she told me about her sister, which I didn't know about. I don't exactly remember what my response was but she told me I was the only one who knew what to say and was able to comfort her and actually "see" her, and she later confessed I literally saved her life that day.

I guess I just tried to be the friend I wish people were to me for the longest time?

I remember I would also do my best to remember people's birthdays so I could surprise them that day and make them feel like at least I cared about them even if no one else did (hehe projecting much am I?). If someone was struggling I tried to be there bc I wish someone would have been there for me many times before.

And I guess it was nice... But then I've also learned I can't really rely on anyone but myself?

Like, I'm the person who's always there for people when they need me, but the time I need someone to be there for me (even if it's just a shoulder to cry on) there's absolutely no one?

I'm the one who remembers everyone's birthdays, but no one remembers mine. Or the one who always has to be strong for others but can never rely on anyone else so I'm left in this state where I always have to be strong and it gets exhausting? Where I always have to pick myself up without anyone's help or anyone even giving a fuck about how I'm doing.

And I know it's not always bc people "suck" or don't "want" to be there, but they just aren't?

Remember that friend I mentioned? I love her to hell and back, but I also know I can't rely on her when I need someone. It's hard to explain but everytime I've needed someone she either wasn't there, told me to get over it or the conversation ended with me trying to comfort her (?). For example the day a loved one died and I needed to talk to someone I thought maybe I could rely on her but she ended up just talking about her sister (years later) and I ended up being the one comforting her instead, when I was the one who at the time needed comforting. (And when I've tried communicating this it has turned out into her thinking she's a horrible person and me trying to reassure her she's not, even though I was just telling her I needed someone to be there for me)

(WHICH I don't mind, I would always be there to listen to her but that time I wasn't in the best headspace to be dealing with other's people's emotions on top of my own!).

Later the same people I had always been there for literally left the moment I came out of the closet.

A few months ago another friend told me she loved candy corn and it was her favorite food/candy but they don't sell them where she lives, so one time when I found some I immediately thought of her and bought them... Well just when I was talking with her and telling her about getting her candy corn and talking about seeing her so I could give them to her, she just ghosted me soon afterwards and I have never known why or why she just... Ghosted me out of nowhere.

A close friend of mine actually stopped talking to me after he found out I had a depression diagnosis... No not bc I was a "bummer" when I was with him or bc I talked about my issues with him, just bc I HAD depression and he didn't want to be associated with "those people" (that and his gf... Who I helped him get with actually, didn't want him to talk to me anymore).

(I actually remember how I was in a phonecall with him when I was telling him, and I was crying... Actually the first and only time I cried in his presence... bc my dad and brother where making me take care of them and treating me like shit bc I was "a woman" and it was therefore my "job" and when I told him about my depression he just got disgusted and hung up and never spoke to me again, he only ranted to his friend that people like me just didn't want to get better and where not good to be around).

It seems that everyone eventually leaves when they find something, even if it's the most trivial thing about me they don't like?

And idk ig.

Even my fucking therapist was like "fuck you you don't try hard enough I'm done with you".

Like everytime I could use someone, I'm left completely alone?

And at the best of times it's bc they themselves are not available but the other half it's literally people using me? Or just not giving a shit?

I remember a time when I opened up about... certain sexual abuse I had been through and that girls response was "oh well you'll get over it", which really hurt? Bc it was really hard in the first place for me to open up about it? Or then there's the time my uncle died or when I got COVID and no one even asked me how I was doing, one of them even went as far as being like "oh okay well talk to you again when you're back to being okay and fun and not as much of a bummer to talk to" (It was actually the same girl... Which btw I later found out was only interested in/playing with me and hitting on me bc I had become some sort of fetish... Being trans.... Between her and her bf... Also oh yeah she didn't even tell me she had a boyfriend, I had to find out).

Point is, people are only there when you're fun to be with, or when you can provide something for them. No one really likes you for you, and when they find something about you they don't like (even if it's you being queer) they scram. And it's nice and dandy and all, I can be there for people right? I can be strong and only rely on myself, it's what I've done all my life. I've learned that no one is to be trusted. But the thing is... Sometimes I get tired of being strong all the time, of always being there for others when no one's there for me. Of being the friend I wish I could have but having no friends ever be like that with you (hell even remember your birthday or... Care when you are going through shit... Like REALLY care, not tell you "go to therapy, I'm your friend not your therapist jeez" when someone close to you dies, say "I'm here for you" and then just ghost you or tell you to "just get over it" or "get back to me when you are fun again" or... Just talk over you and talk about themselves).

Heh I bet most of the people who consider themselves my friends even now don't know that much about me... Like my interests or things I don't like or a stupid fact about me... Even though I could write an entire Wikipedia page on them.

Hell I'm not a stranger to people using me to talk about themselves and completely ignoring me when I say something about me.

And it's not for lack of communication or trying or reaching out on my part, I have asked for help on multiple occasions, or tried to reach out being like "hey I'm not okay, I could really use a friend right now" to no response.

Just today I was going through a crisis and I asked for help, in my IG stories... 30 people saw it (some of which I'd call friends) and not one replied nor cared. (Which yeah? Instagram? I actually felt pretty stupid tbh and ended up deleting it but idk it still stuck in my mind).

Again, it's nice and dandy but sometimes it does leave me with the question of what the point is (?)

Like, what is the point of having a romantic partner if people are untrustworthy and unreliable? Why would you want to be with someone who's never going to support you or care about you? Ig sex would be one but that's what hookups are for, or paying rent but then you can just get a roomate?

Even meeting people on dating sites seems to end in just wanting to fuck or even if not no one really tries to get to know you or help you get to know them it's just "yo let's meet up, let's fuck" and me being like "uuuuuhhhhhh I don't even fucking know you?????". Or on the OTHER hand you establish a good conversation and open up and then you get "yo, send noods", and me "UHM no I'm not really into that sorry" and then the conversation resumes and you think it's going fine only for then to be like "yo common I want to see you naked send nudes open a Snapchat for me so you can see my dick" not giving a shit that you said that makes you uncomfy, nor giving a shit about how you... Feel or about you at all, it's all so you can give them sexual pleasure.

What's the point of having friends if it's just people who use you till you have nothing left to give and eventually dump you when they get tired of you?

Why bother making social connections when every self help advice and therapist will tell you that you can't rely on people and must be self sufficient etc?

For emotional support? Well no, not even that, they will tell you you have to be there for yourself so emotional support is clearly not it.

To have fun? Everyone says you have to be happy with yourself and have fun by yourself... YOU CAN'T RELY ON OTHER PEOPLE.

Maybe I'm just broken for how clingy and needy I've always been and that's why people keep taking advantage of me lol

What are friends for? What's the point of "socializing" if you have to do everything yourself? If you can never rely on no one? If even if you're always there for people it's inevitable that no one will be there for you when you most need it?

Idk man, I'm just feeling shitty right now. I'm tired of feeling like I have to be strong and okay all the time.

Of only being able to rely on myself and trust myself etc, of everything always falling on me.

It's like... What's the fucking point man?

Also people always use me to vent and I try myself to give advice or listen or whatever but no one does that for me ever so like I guess I'm coming to the place where... Let me look I was cancelled bc OTHER people decided I'm a monster and I deserved to be cancelled... Cool.

Anyways, off into the void you go dear post.

At least I'm not crying anymore, just depressed. But hey since it's not external anymore, that's better at least I can now pretend I'm fine <3

[corvixa]

I am alive! Long, rambly post ahead.

So. I did a thing. After 2 or 3 years on a waiting list of therapy, I got it. Good right? Ahuh...

A weekly appointment at 10.30 am is apparently my kryptonite.

It was fine at first, but I got utterly sidelined with the cumulative effect and the fact I wasn't able to reset my energy. But, I was determined like, I'd breakthrough.

Uh. That did not happen. All I could do was attend that appointment. For the first time since I started writing again post house explosion, I couldn't even write. I managed to not some ideas down. Carry on a few plots in my head. Still, even with my insomnia, I was stuck with my facemask on, desperately trying to get enough energy to eat, and occasionally failing even that.

After I had to take a break for a few weeks running for dental appointments and Covid Vaccines, I gained enough energy back to do that look around and reflect thing.

Hell, I might not have been perfect before this, but I enjoyed things. I chatted with friends. I lurked in the Stark Tower discord plotting new ideas. I got to write. I got to do real-world hobbies. I got to spend time awake with my partners!

So, after my vaccine and several days with a very high fever, I kind of decided. Fuck it. This isn't worth it. I have clawed my little part of this world out, and I am not going to lose it.

Sometimes you have to weigh up the cost-benefit analysis. What good may come from these 16 appointments was utterly stopper by the bomb dropped on my life. So I came out of my fever cave of blankets, had an incredibly hot bath and decided this wasn't working.

The early appointment alone was killing me; I am crepuscular by nature. Not being sarcastic there; this is how I have dealt with severe levels of insomnia since age 12. I tried being an average human that wakes up in the morning and goes to bed at night for decades, and it didn't work. I am most active after 11 pm, and I nap during the day. It's not a perfect fix; if it were, the Gold series would literally not exist as that is my Insomnia in a cape. However, sleeping at least once in a 24 hour period nearly every day is THE WIN. Being not awake at 10.30 am, but already at an appointment, where I was expected to be coherent? Weekly? With no variable illnesses? Even the stint in hospital I had was around me making these appointments... Not getting better from fall.

Honestly, I have no idea what past me was thinking, but after they went to 2 or 3 appointments and didn't feel too bad, they committed hard to this course of action. That was a mistake that I thought I had learned a long time ago, that assessing the work-life balance is critical. This might not be work, but it was the same thing.

So, How am I doing? Better. Not aces, but the Covid fever of doom made me miss last weeks appointment. The week before, it was the Covid.2 Jab and today I had the dentist.

And this morning, before my dental appointment, I started writing. My partners were over the moon. I am not back on full capacitor yet, but I am clawing my way back. Heck, I felt alive enough to prat about in the garden as my partner wanted to take a few pics of me given my pairing of BRIGHT TOXIC GREEN tights and lace trousers. I realised I hadn't set foot in the garden since this therapy thing started. My dog, Loki, was bouncing around like a loon bringing me every stashed ball he could find.

If anything gives you clarity, it's the excitement of a collie confronted with man balls, your partner's joy at you starting something you love again and actually feeling like a human being.

Ness is calling the therapy people when she gets the social confidence points required to deal with bombing me out of this whilst being my stalwart wall, so I don't get bullied onto the phone (hello, Hemiplegic Migraine) or guilted back into just trying a few more sessions.

It's not like my therapist was bad. He was cool. He dealt with this ADHD, Autistic, Severe Insomniac, Asexual weirdo and never once questioned any of these identifiers. I just don't have the energy to do anything back to back, week after week, at 10.30 am—even fun things.

So, I am probably going to sleep a lot. I am not back to my previous form yet; my Hubs is saying I made it out of the cave, but I still have Palladium Poisoning because apparently, I have infected his brain to think of things in Iron Man metaphors.

This is a bit all over, but I felt like I wanted to get it down. Especially for anyone worried about my sudden absence.

TLDR, the road to hell is lined with good intentions; sometimes the good thing becomes the bad thing, sometimes you lose yourself trying to do things the right way, and everything ends up wrong. Sometimes the right thing is the thing people see as wrong. All I know is that I wrote something for the first time this morning because of insomnia, and I couldn't be happier. My mind is starting to pick up speed again, this dense dog of confusion, exhaustion and pain is clearing, and I have goals.

Which I think is what really matters, right?

Oh, side note, some things did get done whilst I was busy being a zombie. After nearly 3 decades of waiting, at 33 (yeah, I've wanted to change my name a long ass time.) I got my name changed! So I can sign this off in a way that makes me smile. I dropped my old first name, and took my first middle name as my new forname. (I was, and still am, one of those ginormous name people.) I also went back in history and timestoned my surname. (So, I was named utterly after my dad. Literally, I have the female version of his name >.< but I wanted to keep that connection to my genealogy whilst not having my dads name.) Boom.

Enjoy the earlier mentioned pictures of me pratting about in the garden. I am a photographer. I do not know how to pose. What you are seeing is sarcasm 😅. (If you want to know where the fabulous tights came from, Google Snag Tights. They are truly a miracle and a gift from the Gods. They have actual sizes and don't tear after one wear, even if you are more leg than human. So you stretch and destroy tights by walking.)

- Morgan / M-Mac-C

[rubberduckyrye]

xDDD

Yeah we love to hate Kenzo in this house.

Actually, I got a little flak at first when I posted my idea that Kokichi was "diagnosed" to have BPD as a child--but they didn't quite understand that it was meant to be a intentional misdiagnosis for Kenzo to have more power over Kokichi. Not meant to be Kokichi getting a proper diagnosis at such a young age, but to further invalidate him and give Kenzo all that control. Kokichi screaming about his father abusing him all the time lead to him being called a liar, which ironically made Kokichi into a compulsive liar.

Total side note: I've actually made a point to make sure I don't give Kenzo any specific diagnosis for mental illnesses aside from C-PTSD, as his abuse towards the twins and Umeko stems from his own childhood abuse. I know he's a villain and an abuser, but that's specifically why I avoid giving him the "bad" disorders or something. Like nope I am not playing into those stigmas you can rip my integrity from my cold dead hands. He's just an abuser with C-PTSD.

Rambling aside, I had no idea ADHDers were prone to it--but that makes a lot of sense, too. People still misunderstand ADHD and even when your diagnosed at a young age you can still be abused (Hi Hello I was diagnosed when I was like 7 or 8 and my parents still were horrible asshats to me!!! In fact I wonder if they got Worse. My mom used to (unintentionally or not) drug me with too high of a dose for my ADHD meds, giving me a flat affect/going monotone and feeling like a fucking zombie. But I was a good little kid so I was forced to take that insanely high dose. Worse yet is that I have a gene that makes me more prone to side effects to my medicine so THAT'S fun.)

I actually live in a very progressive state so I'm able to get doctors to take me... mostly seriously and get me medications and what not. That's why I put my diagnoses on record, because I need them to be in order for me to have a chance at getting on Disability Income. (The only problem I have with doctors ironically enough is like. Fatphobia. Argh.) But I totally understand if you live in an unsafe area why you wouldn't want to get diagnosed. I still don't feel safe admitting to my therapist (or any doctor) that I have OSDD. I kind of like my alters too so I'm not in a hurry to get rid of them or "merge" fndjkfnsjfnks

Niiiice, fellow OSDD system~! I also do Soulbonding, but it was more unintentionally, and then they became actual fictives who can and will front fndjkgfnls Wrenn I'm Talking about You.

I'll definitely take a look at that blog you recommended! I also recommend my followers who are interested in learning about ASPD for themselves to too, ofc.

Sorry for the open-ended question LMAO!!! Here, let me ask a few more specific ones:

Are there any symptoms of ASPD people miss due to the stigmas? What are they?

I'm very curious as to why you think Rantaro has ASPD--or is that just a projection headcanon? (I totally get this--like while I see Kokichi having ADHD and hints of it I do project he has it mostly because it's Me and I Want To) If not, please tell us what makes you think he has the Signs

What are some common misconceptions about ASPD to watch out for? Any microaggressions to keep in mind?

@kindlyre

Okay I'm VERY curious as to what mental illness you're writing Rantaro to have because it seems to be one of those stigmatized ones and I'm v curious???

[pluck-my-life]

Hey Snark! Silenda (loverofthebirbs) here. I was wondering why exactly do you like to ship Red x Chuck x Bomb together? I know why you like the polyship itself, but why the separate ships on their own? (Red x Chuck, Red x Bomb, and Chuck x Bomb?) You got me to kinda see some appeal in Red x Stella even if I've never liked it, so I wanted to know because you give good reasons! c:

Oh hey @loverofthebirbs nice to see you! My brain self-awakened at 6 am and is now bubbling with activity, so buckle up for a ride! *stretches hands preparing to type a lot*

First of all, it’s inclusivity. I don’t want to imagine a couple snuggling on the couch while there’s a “third wheel” on the other side of it, lonely and awkward and maybe a little bitter seeing all the affection and feeling excluded. And among the three only Red understands from the get-go how PDA can be painful for the onlooker, and what would he do if he’s the one in the relationship? He’d have to persuade his partner to cuddle in private, but! the other two are insanely physical and can’t resist touching him even as friends, and in a relationship? They’d have a hand on him all the freaking time unless he explicitly states he needs to be alone. Now Bomb can exist outside a relationship just being happy for his friends, because he’s got great empathy and maaaybe he could be ace, but that leaves us with your least favorite ship? And I absolutely can’t imagine Red or Chuck being the third wheel, unless Red is totally ace and satisfied with just having friends. I can see ace!Red + Chuck/Bomb, with an effort, because I connect with him the most and I’m not ace, but then the whole thing feel kinda bland. Sweet but bland, like a cookie without filling or icing. Movie!Bomb can’t fully satisfy Chuck in a relationship, he would be left at home while Chuck goes clubbing and picking up someone for the night, and he would sigh about not being cool enough to share Chuck’s adventures (while understanding that you can’t put restrictions on him, freedom is crucial for his happiness) and Red would feel obliged to cuddle with him to make him feel better, but if Chuck sees them like that he’d want to be in that fluff pile, and that would still turn into awkward polyamory, however more dysfunctional than my usual sort. And you can’t have Red/Bomb while leaving Chuck out, you just can’t, not with his obvious crush on Red. Bomb himself would try to talk Red into giving him a chance, because Bomb can’t stand seeing his friends suffer. Chuck’s attraction to Red is the key factor here, he’d want in on any relationship Red is having, whether it’s with Bomb or Stella or both. I can ship all four, connected via Red, and as far as I remember I’ve told you in messages how Red couldn’t deal with his roommates all the time, he’d need a breather and someone he can trust, to be able to fall apart in someone’s arms (and Bomb hasn’t reached the emotional maturity yet, he can maybe nod at Red’s complaints and hug him, but Stella could actually understand, maybe even share his burden of being a self-sufficient bird with needy partners while her own friends are perfectly able to entertain themselves). Red and Stella are both leader types, but Red is introvert or at least ambivert, and these types are said to get “adopted” by extroverts (such as Stella or Chuck). I must say I’m projecting a lot here, but isn’t it the whole point of shipping? to have at least some imaginary relationships when you can’t have it irl for one reason or another? When I was in a social phase and had relationships I wasn’t in any fandoms, I didn’t even draw anything. The whole fandom thing is my substitute for love life, and tbh it’s more reliable and satisfying than 1) trying to meet people, 2) talk to them enough to decide if they’re worth meeting, 3) find out you’re not attracted to them but they kind of are, because I’m the picky side here, and the whole thing turns awkward. And this is how I find friends through Tinder, even when I’m looking for a hookup. And then I’m likely to find a therapist for them via my own therapist, because the only people I resonate with are kinda messed up. In the Bird Village it’s the other way around, Red finds mates through group therapy, but the result is the same: misfits sticking together. And here we get to another reason I’m polyshipping through the character connect to: I can’t really love myself, even on a mentally healthy day I struggle to find myself attractive - but loving a character while simultaneously connecting with him almost takes me there. And here comes the best part: I connect with other characters in my ships as well (I don’t usually ship people I can’t relate to) and then I get to feel for both parts, even for three parts on a good day, and this fills my huge emotional capacity almost to the brim while my mind is involved too, imagining stuff and supporting the connections - unlike in a real relationship, when my brain gets bored and wanders over fantasies or trivial matters even during intimate moments. I’ve never thought of it that way, but it seems like I’m polyamorous because of my neurodivergency. No person I’ve ever had experience with had a personality as multifaceted as mine, ergo I can’t be satisfied with just one person emotionally (not even talking about sex - without emotional involvement it’s plain boring). Just like another character mentioned here, though for a different reason: if I’m a very big computer, and Chuck is a very fast computer, the result is technically the same: the calculations are done quickly and we’re left idle, understimulated. I don’t fully understand my connection with Chuck, or rather I can’t pinpoint it, because… let’s just try to list it. I’m anarchist, Chaotic Good, I love to entertain people with jokes and dorky behavior when I’m in a social mood (especially when drunk), I can be very active and enthusiastic when I have the energy… A lot of my qualities that I don’t even notice because they’re so natural would remind people of Chuck rather than Red, and isn’t that ironic in light of me not initially liking the “sexy and annoying” type? Or maybe it’s just my second-hand embarrassment getting in the way of just laughing at their antics? Most of the time I lack Chuck’s confidence, especially that finding-yourself-attractive brand of confidence, but with some effort I could adopt that quality and it could make me a better-functioning person. Now if I could adopt Bomb’s ability for unconditional love I could become that fusion phoenix we’ve been talking about, maybe even a complete person… but that wouldn’t happen without gaining some femininity from Stella’s flock - good thing it comes mixed in with mischief and badassery, which make it far more palatable than the annoying “tomboy turning into a prom queen” trope that needs to get thrown in a volcano. I’m carefully exploring a straight ship through the most capable character, borrowing some of her confidence to support my weak, underdeveloped female side. I would feel fairly comfortable as Dahlia too, except it makes me self-conscious about boring people out of their minds while being bossy - not the most attractive archetype, though I’m not familiar with her enough to see her good side (gotta rewatch the Stella toons, this time with a more analytical mindset)… Gale is the one I’m most wary of: I have that selfish bitchy side to me that I prefer to keep far away from the front parts of my personality, because I’m madly scared of her - can’t let her take reins of my self-criticism… or maybe I need to befriend her first? Except that’d take a lot of work I’m not yet ready for. I could do with Poppy’s carefree attitude and Willow’s love for the process of art, not the result I can show off in the internet to earn a little bit of attention - I think those qualities can go hand in hand. Less self-consciousness, more enjoyment, and if I can’t feel encouraged and supported whether others provide it or not, maybe I should achieve that through the powers of my imagination. My brain could be a whole world of its own if I wasn’t constrained by depression, anxiety, fear of rejection… things that sound familiar, and they do play a part in connecting me to characters. If I didn’t have them I’d be out in the real world, doing… I don’t know what exactly, if making art is one of my coping mechanisms?.. Crafting, I guess? Eh, my train of thought took a wrong turn… Here is another post about my connection to characters, if you haven’t seen it.

Why are you mentioning separate ships? They all happen in the same headcanon-universe, more or less. Polyamory isn’t always threesomes, and interpersonal relationships all have their own dynamics. Two can entertain themselves while the third one is busy or not in the mood. A fourth can spice up the picture once in a while, with or without intimacy. Pairings mix in my brain like colors and flavors, add a mood and it’s a different picture every time. I’ve drawn frisky Red x Chuck and passionate too, in my drafts there are unfinished comic panels for a fluffy first time and a quirky first time (that would be AUs from each other but whatever, how exactly their intimate life starts out doesn’t matter in the long run) as well as some scenes implying that Chuck has been annoying Red to get the rough treatment for a change (more on sexual dynamics here). Some of my scenarios involve Bomb walking in on the pair and they insist that he should join, even if he’s embarrassed, because it’s definitely better for his psyche than trying to go back to whatever he was doing before he heard the noise and went to investigate. He worries and even explodes when the two upset him by bickering with each other (in the comics), how would he know the noises weren’t arguing and fighting if he’s so socially inexperienced? Again, that makes Red x Bomb first time a separate AU, but those are just scenes their eventual life doesn’t depend on, I draw them to convey moods and emotions rather than to mark an event in the birds’ life. Maybe it’s not Bomb’s first time per se, maybe it’s his first time trying to be active rather than being pleasured by his mates, and he still needs tons of encouragement because he must be so insecure about, well… everything about his appearance! He’s not a conventionally attractive bird, there’s no way he hasn’t been teased a lot growing up, even if he was home-schooled (very likely due to his condition). You’ve mentioned Chuck giving him confidence about his ability by being impressed, same way Red could make him feel attractive (Red far more likely than Chuck, ‘cos the latter is a bit of a thrill-seeker, more attracted to a snarky bird with a temper, while Red would seek solace and relaxation after dealing with the needy, sometimes insensitive little annoyance that is Chuck). Bomb is a good empathetic listener, something both of them need, but Chuck can forget whatever bothers him and move on, while Red would dwell on it until he works things out on his own or Bomb asks what’s bothering him. He might not help to resolve the issue but he can comfort Red without too much talking, platonically or intimately or both, because that’s how moods work in harmonious relationships: people can cry after sex, or cry into their lover’s shoulder until they’ve dealt with that feeling and then get horny, or they could get overcome with feelings right in the process - crying is emotional unloading, and sex is… well, you see the parallel. Watching a movie we cry during emotional climaxes. Now I’ll leave these metaphors for potential fics and conclude that Red x Bomb is the emotional aspect of the trio’s dynamics, Red x Chuck is more sexual, and understanding Chuck x Bomb requires me to further my connection to both. I haven’t incorporated Stella in their dynamics, and she may not want to have relationships with all three anyway, but this is fine in polyamory too. It’s all about balance and satisfying everyone’s needs, not the geometry of connections.