#including getting drunk and eating a turkey leg

[itsphantasmagoria]

Muggle Fest 2024 @hd-fan-fair Claim: To the Faire!

Harry and Draco go to the Renaissance Faire. 💜

This was really fun to draw! I love the Ren Faire so when I saw this prompt I pounced.

ALSO THERE'S A FIC THIS ART INSPIRED by the lovely @dodgerkedavra and it's fucking hilarious, please read it

Ye Olde Publick Indecency (E, 3.4k) by @dodgerkedavra

[kythed]

haikyuu!! + thanksgiving

the hq men as your boyfriend when you bring them home at thanksgiving for the first time

because thanksgiving is in a couple weeks! ik not all of us celebrate it but just pretend LOL

karasuno

sugawara koushi: marches into your kitchen wearing a little red apron and brandishing a spatula. the only thing he can really do is open the cranberry sauce and plate it, but he certainly looks very cute while doing so.

azumane asahi: eats two bowls of vanilla ice cream for dessert. is also violently lactose intolerant. you do the math.

nishinoya yuu: sprays this God-awful fruity cologne all over himself and walks into the house smelling like princess peach’s asshole. you force him to sit outside until it wears off. (spoiler alert: it doesn’t.)

hinata shouyo: frantically rakes up all the leaves in your yard into a huge pile and rolls around in it. later finds out he is in fact allergic to leaves and uses up an entire bottle of cortisone cream trying to soothe his hives. your relatives all think he has chicken pox and interact with him minimally.

kageyama tobio: comes early to help with the cooking— your mom makes him stuff the turkey and he nearly cries when he has to stick his hand in.

sawamura daichi: gets to talking with your dad and you almost have a heart attack when you see them on the couch in identical slouched positions with beers in hand-- they’re practically twins. starts calling you “pumpkin” and “peanut” after the encounter.

tanaka ryunosuke: gives a loud, tipsy toast to “the pilgrims and their funky little hats” after a couple drinks.

yamaguchi tadashi: ran a turkey trot 5k earlier in the morning with you. his entire body is sore— he can’t even sit down without tearing up so he lies face down on your living room carpet for most of the night.

tsukishima kei: literally disappears an hour into dinner and doesn’t pick up his phone. the next day you find out he left to get takeout down the street instead and just never came back.

nekoma

kozume kenma: ends up quietly sitting at the kids’ table for some unknown reason?? it’s chill though; he teaches them how to make handprint turkeys.

haiba lev: also tries to sit at the kids’ table, but they’re understandably terrified of his gigantic 6’4” self and run away when he approaches. it really hurts his feelings and he spends the rest of the night sulking.

kuroo tetsurou: announces he unironically voted for kanye and subsequently gets into a vicious political argument with your drunk uncle. 20 minutes later they’re singing a tearful rendition of “danny boy” with their arms around each other’s shoulders.

morisuke yaku: rants about how much he hates british people.

inuoka sou: pretends to be british.

shiratorizawa

ushijima wakatoshi: walks in with the stage presence of a greek god, gives your mom a huge bouquet of peonies, and thanks her for allowing him to come to dinner. she nearly faints.

tendou satori: wears a bow tie and a monocle. your mom introduces him to the family as your gay best friend— it’s not a great night for him.

semi eita: compliments your grandma’s hair cut. two hours later she’s sitting next to him with an album in hand, showing him all your embarrassing baby pictures. yes, including the naked ones.

tsutomu goshiki: drinks three hard ciders without realizing they’re alcoholic and ends up very giggly and very touchy-- and not just to you. you take him home early.

shirabu kenjirou: shows up two hours late, pretends he’s been there the entire time, and acts offended when your relatives don’t remember him.

aoba johsai

oikawa tooru: charms every single woman at the party in true oikawa fashion. at the end of the night your newly divorced aunt slips him a piece of paper with her number on it. he reassures you he isn’t going to call her-- but he also doesn’t throw it away.

iwaizumi hajime: your brother-in-law challenges him to an arm wrestling contest. iwa crushes him five times in a row without batting an eye and gives him a very respectful thumbs up afterwards.

hanamaki takahiro: makes friends with that weird third cousin who no one really knows but just kinda shows up. you see them making a secret handshake.

matsukawa issei: everyone actually loves him, but for some reason they all think he’s an accountant. has he been telling them he’s an accountant??

kunimi akira: literally just pets the cat the whole night. ignores anyone who tries to talk to him unless they’re feline.

inarizaki

miya atsumu: he ends up gossiping with all your chatty aunties. when it’s time to go home he knows about fifty years of family secrets and enough blackmail material to last him a lifetime. scared? you should be.

miya osamu: truly God’s gift to thanksgiving, everything suga wishes he could be. owns a “kiss the cook” apron (that he bought for himself) and makes five types of boujee hors d'oeuvres. every single relative at the dinner tells you to marry him.

kita shinsuke: helps you mash the potatoes. you try to not ogle his biceps while he does so, but it’s very, very difficult. wipe that drool from the corner of your mouth-- it’s embarrassing.

suna rintarou: arrives wearing all black designer clothing, a luxury watch, and a haughty expression-- the perfect trophy boyfriend. your cousin says she thinks she saw him on a calvin klein ad last week. he tells her it was actually louis vuitton.

fukurodani

akaashi keiji: handwrites all the name cards in beautiful calligraphy the day before and brings a big bundle of dahlias and baby’s breath for floral centerpieces-- you’re pretty sure your mom would rather have him as a daughter instead.

bokuto koutarou: gets involved in the thanksgiving football game with your male cousins. he scores 75% of his team’s points and by the end of it they’re chanting his name and carrying him around the field; you have to deal with god-complex bokuto for the next week and a half.

konoha akinori: your dog will not stop humping his leg. he tries to stop it but there’s really no dignified way to do that, so he just suffers in silence.

date tech

futakuchi kenji: pulls you into the cleaning supply closet while everyone else is going for seconds. your little cousin comes in looking for paper towels and catches the two of you in a compromising position-- oh, well. it’s about time someone gave that kid the talk, anyways.

koganegawa kanji: accidentally clogs the toilet and has a near panic attack trying to unclog it before it overflows.

aone takanobu: surprisingly good at chess and plays several games with your great uncle while he talks about the war

other

terushima yuuji: after dessert he proudly ties a cherry stem in a knot with his tongue, hoping it’ll impress the table. it does not.

sakusa kiyoomi: doesn’t show up. i’m sorry, but let’s be real-- did you ever really expect him to?

[rainandhotchocolate]

Room of Requirement - The morning after

A/N Here’s another cause I’m behind haha SORRY anyways here’s the morning after from the room of req fic for @siriuslyjanhvi <3 <3 

Y/N rolled over, stretching out her shoulder which had been tucked awkwardly across her side, Sirius arm covering it, his hand stretched along her waist. She blinked her eyes open, the soft light of the candles still flickering in the room, the lack of windows making her feel oddly confused about the time of day.

“Sirius,” Y/N murmured, moving herself so she was face to face with sleepy Sirius. His mouth moved open and closed a few times as he woke up, snuggling into her softly.

“What,” He yawned, running a hand through his hair. Y/N felt a little ball of warmth sitting in her stomach as she watched him, his eyes finding their way to hers.

“What time is it, do you know?” She pulled herself up slightly and lay her head on the corner of the couch to try and wake herself up a bit.

“When did we fall asleep?” Sirius mumbled, sliding upright and looking for his watch that he tossed off last night. It was across his clothes on the floor, gleaming gold, and Y/N watched the muscles across his back flex as he reached over and picked it up.

“Fuck!” He jumped up quickly, grabbing at his clothes and throwing Y/N’s towards her face.

“What, what!” Y/N caught them just in time, stumbling off the couch and staring at him, confused.

“It’s 9am, we were meant to meet everyone for breakfast.”

“Shit,” Y/N swore, pulling on her skirt and jumper as quick as she could, searching for her underwear that Sirius had thrown off her the night before.

“Ok, ready?” Sirius held out a hand for Y/N.

“Oh no wait!”

“What?” Sirius looked alarmed but Y/N leaned in quickly and kissed him.

“Merry Christmas.”

“Merlin nearly give me a heart attack why don’t you,” Sirius breathed out a laugh, taking hold of her hand. “Merry Christmas.”

They ran across the stone floor, passing numerous paintings that screamed Merry Christmas out to them, clearly already drunk. The Fat Lady was singing Jingle Bells very loudly with her friend, Violet, with tinsel covering every inch of the Portrait.

“Password,” She sang, equally as loudly, swaying dangerously into the table beside her.

“Yuletide” Sirius breathed, huffing loudly from their sprint down the corridor.

“And a Merry one at that!”

The couple pushed open the door and rushed into the Common Room. They were met with four very withering looks.

“And where did you two sneak off to huh?” James raised an eyebrow at them, leaning against the couch with his arms around Lily’s shoulders.

“We just, uh, fell asleep, sorry we’re late-“

“Fell asleep huh!” James shook his head, tutting. “Does anyone hear believe that?”

A chorus of ‘nope’, ‘not even a little bit’ followed James’ attempt at authority. Y/N felt her face begin to flush at the stares, particularly Lily who was smirking at Y/N directly.

“Can we just get to breakfast?” Sirius sounded equally as flustered, glaring at James who was still tutting obnoxiously.

“We may, if I can hear an apology for ruining my meticulous plans.” Remus was holding back a smile, but gave them an equally scornful expression.

“We are sorry for ruining your very much non-existent plans past meeting for breakfast and presents at the same time.” Sirius rolled his eyes at Remus.

“And I expect an apology for the sexual relations on the night before Christmas,” James continued, earning a collective sigh from the rest of the group, Lily, Remus, and Peter standing up to join Sirius and Y/N and head to the large Christmas Tree where piles of presents were sitting underneath.

“Come on it’s a holy day!” James called after them, running after them, clapping his hands onto Sirius’ back. “Ok, I’ll forgive you, if you promise to help me prank Dumbledore, I want to give him a final present for when we leave.”

“I’m offended that you thought I was ever going to not do that,” Sirius placed a hand over his heart.

They all sat around the tree, Remus grinning at all of them as he set him self up as self-proclaimed present giver.

“Alright, who is up first!”

James and Sirius both yelled “me” almost immediately, so naturally he gave presents to Lily and Peter first. They spent the next hour unwrapping gifts, a mound of torn paper piling in the corner of the room. Given that none of them had jobs, and were incredibly broke (except James, but he was pretending for the holidays), they’d all vowed to just give each other something cheap or handmade. Lily had knitted everyone jumpers that had rude versions of their names on them (James’ was great fuck), Remus bought huge blocks of chocolate and fudge from Honeydukes in everyone’s favourite flavours, Peter had bought animal plush toys that danced when you squeezed them for each person (given that Lily and Y/N weren’t Animagus, they received a giraffe and sloth respectively), James bought different books (For Remus, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them with the page on Werewolves completely scribbled out and rewritten by James and Sirius), Sirius had charmed gold rings to burn when someone they didn’t like was around (namely, Snape), and Y/N had drawn on packs of exploding snap to make them relevant to each persons life (Lily’s had moving pictures of a large Lily, books, and hair dye because she managed to put pink dye in the boys shampoo and conditioner bottles).

Sirius had pulled Y/N in towards his lap, holding his arms around her waist as she bit down on the fudge. Lily was giggling at her exploding snap with James, Remus and Peter pulling on the oversized jumpers. James’ stomach rumbled loudly, making Lily laugh.

“I think it’s likely time for Christmas Lunch.” Peter smiled, clearly having been waiting for the opportunity to bring up food.

“Yes please,” Y/N could feel her mouth drooling at the thought of turkey and potatoes. The Marauders, Lily and Y/N stood up, moving the presents over towards the couch for later and heading towards the Portrait Hole.

The Great Hall was set up with only one table along the centre of the room, all others standing on the side of the room, including the teachers table. There was twelve huge Christmas trees covering the room, each decorated perfectly in different house colours, tinsel looped across the walls.

There was a mix of students sitting at the table, a couple of Hufflepuffs, one or two Slytherins, and now the group of Gryffindors entering boisterously. The teachers were sitting throughout the table too, clearly having been told to mix themselves up but were still talking to each other from across each end. Dumbledore was making small talk with a young Hufflepuff who clearly looked incredibly uncomfortable.

The Marauders sat towards the middle of the table, Lily making a point to sit on the other side and dragging Y/N with her so that they weren’t all awkwardly on the one side.

“Ahh, Merry Christmas Gryffindors,” Dumbledore turned to greet them, giving them a wide smile.

“Merry Christmas dear Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore,” Sirius nodded an imaginary hat towards Dumbledore who had a twinkle in his eye.

“I see you’ve done your research.” He raised a glass, “I think we have everyone now if you’d like to all join me in a toast.”

Everyone around the table raised their mixed glasses and turned towards him.

“May you all eat until you are ready to burst and get the presents you were unsure you wanted but secretly needed.”

“Hear, hear!” James and Sirius called out loudly as the loud clinks of glasses hitting each other echoed across the room.

“Now, let’s eat.”

As he spoke the words food appeared on the golden platters sitting in front of them, along with golden Christmas crackers sitting between each setting. A large turkey and glazed ham sat in the middle, plates of roasted potatoes and vegetables sitting in large ornate bowls along the centre of the table.

Everyone began digging in enthusiastically, Y/N included. She felt a hand slide against her leg, squeezing it slightly and turned to see Sirius smiling at her.

“Having a good day, love?”

“Better now,” She smiled up at him, leaning up and giving him a kiss on the cheek.

“Can’t wait to spend many more with you,” Sirius murmured, so quiet that Y/N wasn’t sure if he wanted her to hear it so she didn’t reply but leaned her head against his shoulder. A lifetimes worth of Christmases, she thought.

TAGLIST: @HERMIONIE-IS-MY-QUEEN​  @AVERYTRUERAYOFSUNSHINE @SIRIUSLYJANHVI @BLUSHINGSKYWALKER @BLACKPINKDOLAN @THEBABBLINGBOOKWORM @CHERRIE511 @IMLUKESNIRVANA​ @AVENGERSASSEMBLEE​ @MARAUDERSANDCO​ @SLY-VIXEN-UP2NOGOOD​ @KATBERNOULLI @SIRIUS-LYSAD​ @EVYIIONE​ @MINERVA26LOVE​ @AIKEIA​ @GOLLYDEREK​ @GREATWOMBATBLAZE​  @SONGFORHEMA​  @YOUR-TYPICAL-GIGGLE @MYOWNVIPERROOM @HERMIONIE-IS-MY-QUEEN @DEMIWITCH527

[excindrela]

If You Take a Demon to Thanksgiving... (18+)

Supernatural AU

Pairing: demon! Ayno (Noh YoonHo) VAV  x Female Reader

Genre: Fluff/ Humor and SMUT

Warnings: Explosions, Destruction, Unprotected sex (wrap it up people), foul language, use of the word “cock”

Word Count: 3277

AN: This is a continuation of Summoned so if you haven’t read that one, I recommend you read that one first! 

12 Days of Demon Ayno (Christmas) : Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Day 5 | Day 6 | Day 7 | Day 8 | Day 9

Happy Thanksgiving!

In retrospect, taking the boyfriend you had only been with for a month to Thanksgiving probably wasn’t the best idea you’ve ever had. The fact that said boyfriend was also a demon that had been summoned specifically to fulfill your sexual fantasies, and your family was dysfunctional at best made the idea really really bad.

As distasteful as the idea of actually being human was to him, Ayno made a concerted effort to pretend to be one – to the best of his ability. As a demon, he didn’t need to sleep or eat or shower…or anything…he was just available 24 hrs a day to fulfill your every desire…and the fact that he always knew exactly what you desired- be it a cupcake or his cock- the moment you desired it, sometimes made things a bit complicated. Especially when it involved anyone but the two of you.

You had spent the week leading up to Thanksgiving explaining the holiday to Ayno, and going over a rather detailed chart you drew up of the part of your family you’d be visiting. He memorized the chart and asked questions about your step-father with his need to baby the dog and unhealthy addiction to reality TV, your mother’s obsession with decorating the house via Pinterest and her perpetually drunk brother, and your worthless step-brother (in the process learning what a “misdemeanor” and a “felony” were)…but really he just wanted to watch “A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving” over and over.

You arrived promptly at 11 for a 2pm “dinner” with the promise to Ayno that you’d leave as soon as the dishes were done.

You barged through the door of your childhood home loudly calling “Hi Mom!” as you headed straight for the kitchen. “Hi honey! Oh! …and who’s this?” she asked glancing speculatively at the handsome stranger lurking over your shoulder. “Mom, this is Ayno. My…boyfriend. Ayno, this is my Mom.”  “Hi” he greeted. Sticking to the plan of keeping things simple and saying as little as possible. “Hello Ayno. Welcome.” Your mom replied before turning to you and saying pointedly “I wasn’t aware you were dating anyone…” You shrugged. “Surprise? I have a…boyfriend.” You said unapologetically. “I’m going to show Ayno around.” You said as you dragged him away from your mother before she could start asking questions.

In the den, you found your step-dad, milk-toast aunt and alcoholic uncle watching the football pregame while drinking beer and eating chips & dip. They barely acknowledged your presence, and if they were surprised to see you with a six foot Asian man following you around, they didn’t show it.

You poked your head into the dining room and checked out the table, already resplendent with a lace table cloth, battery powered pillar candles, and a giant turkey shaped tureen in the center – despite the fact that no soup was set to be served.

The living room, you explained as you crossed through it, was for looks only. Touching- or worse, sitting on-  your mother’s special furniture or disturbing her artistically arranged designer throw pillows was not tolerated.

Large sliding glass doors in the living room led to the patio and backyard. The patio had been swept and there was a stack of plastic chairs and tables to be set up. Your step father’s adored mutt, Patches, came running right up to Ayno, putting his paws up on his leg, demanding ear scratches which the soft demon happily supplied.  “What is that?” Ayno asked, pointing to a metal cylinder sitting in the middle of the yard. You walked over and examined it. “I think it’s a deep fryer.” You said suspiciously. “I think my step dad and uncle are going to try to deep fry the turkey.” You shook your head- this seemed like a bad idea. “At least my mom is making a ham, so something will be edible.”

“What is that?” Ayno asked again, this time pointing to the large oak tree in the corner of the yard. You laughed, “That is my treehouse! It was my favorite escape as a kid. C’mon, I’ll show you.” A moment later you had dragged Ayno across the yard and were climbing up the rickety ladder with him. You shoved hard, and the hatch opened to reveal the small space that had seemed so big in childhood. It was covered in dust, and the walls still had faded posters from your pre-teen years. “I spent hours up here. It was my happy place. I always envisioned it as being an escape and a private place during my teen years…but…that’s not how things worked out.” Sensing your wistfulness, Ayno bent his head and kissed you sweetly.

The moment was interrupted by the sound of a car door signaling the arrival of your step-brother and voices in the yard. “Oh good! Ayno! C’mere & give us a hand with this.” Your step dad called as you descended the ladder. Ayno squeezed your hand reassuringly and went to help them.

The rest of the day proceeded like most awkward family events. Inappropriate and embarrassing stories were told, too many snacks and too much alcohol was consumed. Ayno stuck by you working in the kitchen, happy to do whatever was asked of him, and content to let you deflect conversation and answer questions about him. Eventually he felt comfortable enough to go sit on the patio with everyone and listen to your family’s chatter. Everyone seemed to think he was nice, if not a little odd.

You had serious doubts about the sanctity of the meal when your drunk uncle announced it was time to do the turkey, and came into the kitchen where you were assembling more snacks and yanked the still frozen fowl from the freezer and headed for the backyard.

In the next 3 minutes of your life events occurred simultaneously in what felt like slow motion.

“Will ya all jist shut the hell up? I know what I’m doin’!” your uncle said as he lowered the ice block of bird toward the overfull deep fryer. He released the clip and the turkey dropped like a bomb splashing into the vat and sending boiling oil flying into the air and cascading over the edges of the deep fryer straight into the flame below it. As soon as the frozen meat hit the scalding oil, everything exploded into a giant fireball raining hot flaming oil and chunks of turkey all over the dead un-mowed backyard, causing the whole thing to burst into 3 foot high flames.

The sound of the deep fryer being blown apart startled your mother so badly that she dropped the pan with the ham in it that she had just pulled out of the oven. The chunk of pork bounced out and the pan landed upside down in the middle of the kitchen floor, bubbling ham juice running out and turning the white tile brown. Something brushed passed your leg, and you looked down just in time to see Patches run into the kitchen making a beeline for the downed ham. Your mother saw it too, and she tried to run and grab the meat before the dog made off with the only (mostly) surviving entrée, forgetting about the bourbon and brown sugar grease lake that now coated the floor. You watched helplessly as her feet hit the grease and slipped right out from under her and she landed face down in the gooey puddle with a thunk on her right arm.

A blur out of your opposite eye diverted your attention back to the yard where your step-father was beating your slightly- on- fire uncle with a dry crispy chamois from the garage yelling “Roll, Duke, roll!!” He was distracted and missed the moment it became obvious that your step-brother had flunked high school chemistry class, because he turned the hose on to the raging grease fire turning it into what would later be known in your family as The Turkey Inferno.

You stood there, stupidly, as the mayhem raged around you, with a useless crudité platter in one hand and your forgotten cell phone in the other. You heard sirens in the distance, and hoped they were heading your way. And then, another sound: laughter. You looked over to see Ayno, laughing so hard he was crying, huge smile and face lit up, so delighted he was slumped back in the plastic lawn chair clapping his hands and his feet. “It looks just like the Seven Pools of the Damned!” he cried excitedly.

*          *          *

Two hours later, you were a hot, sweaty, filthy mess. After the fire department had arrived and hosed down the back yard in some kind of foam, and the ambulance had taken your mom and uncle to the hospital; you got to work cleaning up the kitchen, which was not only a disaster from the whirlwind of cooking, but now included the ham lake and burned sweet potatoes that had been forgotten in the oven. Ayno had helpfully begun un-setting the table and cleaning up the back patio.

Patches, having feasted on a whole ham and who knew what else, began throwing up and having explosive diarrhea all over the house. It was while cleaning up the 5th pile of puke that you discovered your good for nothing step-brother was sitting in the den watching football leaving you to do all the work. You handed him the paper towels and cleaning solution and told him to get off his lazy ass and clean up after the dog…he elected to go to the hospital to “check in on everyone”.

That was it. You were done. Everyone but you and Ayno had gone to the hospital, you hadn’t seen him for a while, and you weren’t sure where he was, and at the moment you didn’t actually care. You had a splitting headache and you were not doing this by yourself. You walked into the guest room and fell face down onto the bed.

You had no idea how long you had slept, but it was dark when you felt Ayno gently shake you awake. “No? Wha-“was all you got out before Ayno gave a soft “Shhhh” and placed his finger to your lips. He looped your arms around his neck and you wrapped your legs around his waist as he stood up, yanking the quilt off the bed and wrapping it around you as he carried you through the dark house and across the still smoking backyard. He walked straight to the treehouse, and climbed the rickety ladder with you still wrapped around him like a baby koala.

Now you knew where he’d gotten to. He had cleaned up the tree house, and covered the entire floor in pillows that he’d swiped from the house. He’d even grabbed the battery powered candles from the dinner table, so the whole thing was bathed in soft fake candlelight. He set you down in the pile of pillows and closed the hatch.

Without a word he pulled you onto his lap and began kissing you. Softly at first, his hands on the sides of your face, but becoming harder and more needy by the second as his fingers threaded through your hair and his tongue plundered your mouth. He broke away long enough to pull your sweater off over your head, before returning his lips to your now exposed neck. His mouth worked its way from your jawline to your shoulder in a long trail of wet kisses punctuated by gentle sucking and bites that were just harsh enough you knew they would leave marks. You were so distracted by his mouth that you almost missed his hands unfastening your bra and tossing it to the side. The cold air coming in contact with your fully exposed breasts caused them to immediately flush and harden. You reached down and grabbed Ayno’s sweater and turtleneck and yanked them both off of him at the same time, desperate to press your cold skin against his unnatural warmth. He obliged you, taking the opportunity to begin marking up your shoulder as he hiked your skirt up over your thighs letting it pool around your waist. His hand slipped down to begin rubbing your throbbing clit through your silky underwear. You moaned softly and pressed your mound harder against his hand. Ayno lifted your hips slightly and re-settled you on his right thigh. “Ride it”, he whispered. You nodded and began rolling your hips against the rough fabric of his jeans, trying desperately to satisfy the ache he had created in your core. You gasped as he took one of your nipples into his mouth, swirling his tongue around the hardened bud, and then hollowing out his cheeks and sucking. You quickened your pace and trembled slightly at the friction. Breathy moans spilled from your lips as you felt your climax building and your thighs starting to shake. “Ayno…” you moaned, without slowing your pace, causing him to release your nipple with a lewd pop. “Ready to cum baby?” he asked rubbing your sides soothingly. You nodded and whined as your walls began clenching around nothing, feeling your wetness release and soak through Ayno’s pants to his skin. You dropped your head to his shoulder “Not enough, not enough…” you whined into his ear, “Fill me…please…” you begged. Ayno laid back into the pile of pillows unbuckling his belt so you could drag his pants to his ankles. You wasted no time pulling his boxer briefs down behind them, watching as his erect cock sprung free. You straddled his hips and he gently stroked himself a few times before holding it vertically so you could slide onto him. You moaned as you felt the tip of his length at your entrance, already so wet that you pushed him easily between your folds, until he was fully buried in you. Soft high pitched noises came from your mouth as you circled your hips feeling his slight movements deep within you as his fingers rubbed circles on your clit in time with your movements. Knowing you needed more, he lifted your hips up, and began jackhammering in and out of your sopping pussy from below. Every stroke the head of his cock pounded into your cervix, causing you to throw your head back and cry out in a mix of pleasure and pain. “Oh fuck yes! Don’t stop…” you gritted out through clenched teeth as your vision got hazy and your second orgasm hit you and you could swear the whole room was moving. Ayno released his grip on you and let you slide back down his shaft while he rolled his hips to let you come down from the high, but you still felt like you couldn’t get enough. You put your hands on the top of his pecs, fingers digging into his shoulders for leverage as you began lifting your hips up and slamming back into his harshly. The whole treehouse creaked and moaned with every thrust. “Not enough baby?” he asked breathlessly. “Noooo…” you moaned, “I just…I need…you feel so good…” you whined.

You thrust down hard and suddenly there was a loud crack. Not your imagination this time, the whole floor jolted down and tilted to the left. You froze. “Ayno…I think we have a problem…” He opened his mouth to reply when there was a loud snap and the entire floor detached with you and Ayno riding it like an elevator to hell, and went crashing to the ground below, pillows flying everywhere. Unable to be harmed by something as trivial as a six foot drop, Ayno wrapped himself protectively around you, holding your head to his chest and covering you with his arms.

Suddenly the still of the evening was split by the sounds of voices you knew all too well. “Oh my God!!” “What the shit was that?!” “Oh hell! The patio cover didn’t collapse did it?!” as the backyard floodlights came on and your family, having returned from the hospital unnoticed by you; came running across the yard to find you and Ayno, mostly naked, obviously in the middle of copulation, laying in the middle of the destroyed treehouse. You stared at them. They stared at you. Then it seemed your mother gathered her wits and took in the situation, a look of horror crossing her face as she screamed “OH MY GOD!! ARE THOSE MY CHENILLE THROW PILLOWS??? THOSE ARE POTTERY BARN!!” Ayno burst out laughing.

*          *          *

An hour after you got home you were feeling much better having showered off the horrific events of the day and slipped into your PJs. You found Ayno lounging on the couch in flannel pants and an oversize sweatshirt…hair having suddenly turned platinum blonde but his eyes still a deep chocolate brown according to your whims. He sat up just enough to grab you and pull you down to lay on top of him, wrapping his arms around you and giving you a quick kiss in the process.

“I have enjoyed this ‘Thanksgiving’. We should definitely participate in this more often. When is the next one?” Ayno asked happily.

“Sorry sweetheart. Thanksgiving is a once a year thing. There won’t be another one until November of next year.” you informed him.

“Very well. Then I will look forward to it.” he said with a smile.

“Ayno? You do understand that I mean 365 days from now?” you clarified.

He nodded. “I understand your measurements of time.” he said matter-of-factly.

You laid there stunned for a moment. Ayno was talking about a year from now…still being here a year from now. This was the first mention of anything long term, of some kind of permanence to the situation.

Ever attuned to you, Ayno looked you straight in the eyes and asked softly “Am I really your boyfriend?”

“Do you know what a boyfriend is?” you countered.

“Yes! ‘A male that is close to your heart. He is the one you can't stand to go a day without seeing. He provides everything you need, including sex, love, protection, comfort and an escape from the world. A lover who admires you for who you are. Knowing him makes you a better person. And being with him makes you smile.’”

Well. That was a startlingly accurate description. “Ayno, where did you hear that?”

“Urban Dictionary.”

“…and did Urban Dictionary tell you what a girlfriend is?”

“Uh-huh. ‘A female who you love, admire, respect, and desire to be with; a girl who makes you laugh, smile and who brings out the best in you, the one person that you should value over every other thing. You must protect her for she is the most special thing that could ever happen to you. She’s someone that you want to hug and kiss all the time and make love to, and is also able to bleed for a week without dying.’” He paused. “I find this description to be accurate of my feelings toward you...but I do not know if I meet the boyfriend requirements.”

You smiled down at him. “You more than meet them. Do you want to really want to be my boyfriend Ayno?”

He grinned. “Yes! In over 800 years I have never had a ‘girlfriend’. I promise I will take good care of you.”

“You already do.” You said as you snuggled into him and laid your head on his chest.

“So since I must wait for Thanksgiving again, is there another holiday that…how did your mother put it? We can ‘ruin forever’?” he asked hopefully.

“There’s a whole calendar full babe”, you laughed ruefully, “A whole calendar full.”

[sparkly-angell]

Carols from the Past

Bucky Barnes flash Bingo Holiday Card 3 - Jingle Bells

“All I want for Christmaaaaas…” Tony jumped down from his living room couch, wobbling on his legs but successfully holding himself together, even in his drunkish state. He took a deep breath, pointing his index finger at Bucky while his other hand held the remote control close to his mouth, in a foolish impersonation of a mic, “It’s yooooooooooooooooou!!!!!!!!!!”

His voice cracked right at the end, and Bucky bursted into a joyful laugh, Tony following right after. He couldn’t hold himself anymore, he’d been biting his lips the entire time Tony performed this karaoke version of this Christmas song, but the poor state his boyfriend was in barely helped him stay composed.

Tony hadn’t been able to hold himself, no, Bucky snorted fondly, lost in thought as he danced in front of the television. He had been so eager to show Bucky everything about Christmas traditions and its entanglement with the pop culture of the 21th century, they started celebrating on the 24th.

“Relax,” Tony had said when he asked if they weren’t starting things too early, “there are a lot of countries that celebrate Christmas on the 24th. Just sit back and enjoy. I want you to have fun.” his eyes had shone, very much alive.

It was technically the first time Bucky would be celebrating Christmas after finding himself in this new century, and even if it was overwhelming, because even his best friend seemed to know how things worked nowadays, Tony helped him navigate through it all with ease.

“I want the Christmas Eve to be just the two of us.” Bucky had said, hoping that if he had a preview of what would be happening in the next day with all the Avengers included, he would be able to enjoy it more.

Tony had agreed without a second thought, and promptly arranged everything they would need for that day. That’s how they ended up where they were now, in the genious’ penthouse drinking an unholy amount of eggnog and singing these traditional christmas songs.

Even though Bucky couldn’t get drunk, his blood still coursed through him lazily, giving him the perfect headspace he needed to enjoy the holiday. Maybe he was drunk with love, he pondered, looking as Tony babbled on about the next song he would sing.

He was at peace as sat back on the couch, drinking his eggnog and watching with mirth as Tony hips moved recklessly in what Bucky was sure he thought was sexy, but ended bordering adorable, to the rhythm of bells from the new song he chose to eviscerate.

Tony cleared his throat, gave him a clumsy wink, and started singing.

“Dashing through the snoooow…” Bucky rolled his eyes at the smaller man’s performance. His lover was many things, but a good singer was not one of them. “In a one-horse open sleeeeigh,” Bucky frowned, nostalgia hitting him in the guts.

He knew that song. 

Flashes of his younger self singing it with Steve rose in his mind. For a moment, he was back in Brooklyn, with his Ma and Stevie, eating turkey and huddling together near the fireplace, singing happily to the tunes from a nicer time.

Tony’s voice brought him to the present, although with a small twinge from his heart at the new (old) memory. He smiled as his lover stumbled closer, stretching a hand for him, and Bucky went with it.

He rose from the couch and rested his hands on Tony’s hips as the man lead them to the center of the living room, where they had previously moved away the coffee table so they could dance. He enjoyed the feeling all on his own, listening Tony sing his childhood song for a while, before the urge to join in overtook his abilities to stay put.

He joined Tony on the chorus.

“Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way! Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh!” he got so involved with the music, he hadn't realized Tony had completely frozen between his arms, and looked at him open mouthed, until he opened his eyes and looked at Tony.

“What, sweetheart?” he asked, the smile on his face never phazing.

“You know this song.” Tony’s question sounded more like a statement than it probably should.

Bucky snorted and kissed Tony right next to his lips.

“Of course, you dummy. Some songs are older than me.”

Tony mock gasped. “That can’t be true, you are ancient.” Bucky giggled.

“That makes this song what? Prehistoric?”

Tony nodded eagerly, but a tiny smile creeping on his face broke his acting, “Most likely.”

A beat of silence, both looking into each other’s eyes before breaking into a set of loud laughs. Tony was breathless by the end of it.

“No, but seriously.” Bucky cleaned the tears from his eyes after he got himself under control, hands going back around his tiny boyfriend hips. “Isn’t this a Thanksgiving song?”

Tony tilted his head to the side, frowning. He swirled Bucky’s long locks with his finger as he answered. “No?”

“Are you sure? Cause I’m almost a hundred percent sure we sang it on Thanksgiving.”

“Jarvis?” he asked, not taking his eyes from Bucky’s. The music had ended a few seconds ago, yet they still swayed slightly, both oblivious they were doing it.

“Sergeant Barnes is correct. The song was initially written for Thanksgiving festivities in the late nineteenth century, although became a known Christmas song in the beginning of the twentieth century, the exact date is a mystery, I’m afraid.”

“Thanks Jarvs.” Tony said, blinking at the new discovery. “Well… we live and learn, don’t we?”

“Yup.” Bucky said, popping the ‘p’ stronger than necessary. He gave in the urge to lean down and kiss Tony properly, heart beating faster as Tony let out an approvingly hum and brought their bodies closer.

The kiss heated up quickly. They broke apart, both panting for air as they flushed their chests together. Tony smirked mischievously.

“I still haven’t shown you the best part of Christmas yet, sugar.”

Bucky raised a single eyebrow.

“Oh? Show me, then.”

[mst3kproject]

The Corpse Grinders

This movie was directed by Ted V. Mikels, who did the same job on Girl in Gold Boots, and was written by Arch Hall Sr., who did the same job on Eegah!.  Those were two of the sleazier and more misogynistic entries in Moon 13’s big ol’ vault of Kingachrome vials, so let’s prepare ourselves.  Another warning sign is how the title card is literally cut out and glued on the film there.  This isn’t just gonna be slimy, it’s gonna be cheap.

I’m not sure I can write a normal plot summary of this movie because that would make it sound far too straightforward.  As with The Astro-Zombies, we seem to have several beginnings, all of them for unrelated movies.  First we’ve got a couple who are suddenly attacked by their cat.  Then we’ve got a gravedigger grumbling that a guy named Landau owes him money.  Then we’re at the Lotus Cat Food company, where Landau is complaining that he needs more product.  Then we’re at a hospital, where a doctor named Howard and a nurse named Angie are also getting attacked by a cat.

Even when I write it out like that, you can kind of see where this is going – the cat food company is buying bodies from the gravedigger, and as a result the cats are developing a taste for human flesh and attacking their owners.  In the movie itself, however, it’s still less clear than that, because all these scenes focus on things that are beside that point.  The scene with the gravedigger is more about his fractured relationship with his wife, who is mentally ill and obsessed with her doll, than about what he’s up to.  The scene at Lotus is a showcase of the disabled weirdos Landau employs.  The bit at the hospital is about Howard’s drinking and his affair with Angie.

Anyway, yeah, Landau and his pal Maltby load the corpses into their rape van and probably molest them before feeding them into a ridiculous contraption that somewhat resembles an old, rusty version of the Teletubbies’ tubby custard machine.  When the local graveyard runs dry, Landau starts killing his employees and random homeless people.  Howard and Angie investigate.  There’s a detective with a mustache hanging around watching things and he looks so much like Howard that I was forty minutes into the movie before I was sure they were two different people.

Like the other Ted V. Mikels movies I’ve seen, this one is dark and out of focus and never makes a whole lot of sense.  The actors are bad, weird editing choices are made, and only one of the cast – Sanford Mitchell as Landau – looks like he’s having any fun.  The camera focuses on women dressing, undressing, and lounging around in their underwear, rather on things that might develop the plot.  The nearest thing to a special effect is a shot of Howard pulling chicken gizzards out of what may be an actual taxidermied cat.  There’s only one mildly amusing joke in the entire movie, which is the ad on the wall of Landau’s office: Lotus Cat Food, for cats who like people! Pity you can barely read it.

The levels on which the whole thing is ridiculous are many and varied.  Landau thinks he’s gonna get rich selling cat food?  The cheapest way to get meat for it is to buy human corpses?  A taste of the result makes eight-pound cats attack hundred and fifty pound humans? The stuff I feed my cat claims to be mostly turkey and giblets but I’m quite sure if she ever saw a real turkey she’d go right up the nearest tree and howl until I got her down.  Why hunt your own food when you can pester the humans until we give you some?  Isn’t that the whole reason evolution gave us thumbs – so we could open cans of cat food?

The Corpse Grinders isn’t even really sure what’s supposed to be its major source of fear.  Is it the cats turning on their owners?  If so, it’s pretty poorly presented, because we don’t get to see the bond between human and animal before we get the attacks.  Is it the fact that they’re digging up corpses?  If that’s so, we really needed to see people reacting to the raiding of the graveyard and not knowing what’s become of their loved ones’ remains.  Is it how Landau regards human beings as so disposable?  The movie should have spent less time making fun of the ill and disabled, then. Is it Landau’s crony feeling up the bodies?  This only happens once.  Is it the reminder that we are, in the end, made of meat?  This has been used to horrifying effect in many films, but it just never works here.  The Corpse Grinders throws a number of ostensibly awful things at us, but never has the focus required to make us feel any real disgust or horror.

All we’re left with, then, is a really bad movie made by people who obviously hate cats.  In several scenes a cat is supposed to be attacking somebody, but it’s clear that what’s actually going on is the ‘victim’ holding the cat against him- or herself while it struggles to get away.  The only cat attack scene that doesn’t involve obvious cruelty is the one where the cats move in to eat Landau’s body at the end – this seems to have been accomplished by putting cat treats or catnip on the actor’s chest.  I really hope the taxidermy cat in the autopsy scene was one they found at a garage sale or something, rather than being killed and preserved for the movie.

Not only does the movie mistreat its actual cats, the script insults them, too.  At several points we’re told that so-and-so adored her cat (it’s always a woman) only for the ungrateful beast to turn on her.  That does mean there’s a little bit of food for thought in this movie, because you quickly realize it had to be about cats.  You couldn’t make this movie about dogs, because people and dogs have a totally different relationship.

There’s a bit where Howard reads from a book that even domestic cats are ‘half-savage’ and that we don’t own them, they own us. Anybody who actually has a cat, including myself, would agree with this – a dog is a pet, while a cat is a room-mate. If all the humans magically vanished, dogs seem like they would probably wither away and die while cats would get along just fine.  Like most things we all kind of know without remembering where we learned them, this isn’t actually true in the real world: both dogs and cats can survive in the wild much better than we’d expect, but both prefer to seek out human help if they can find it.  But we do not trust cats, and that’s what this movie plays on.  We would have a hard time believing our dogs would suddenly turn on us, but our cats? They do it all the time, as soon as they’re tired of having their tummies rubbed.

The other reason this movie has to be about cats is because dogs would be expensive.  Dogs can be pretty big and could easily hurt somebody, so a movie in which dogs turn on their masters would require trained animals, their handlers, and a ton of insurance.  Cats are small enough that if you’re an asshole you can hold them down or throw them around.  I guess you could use only small dogs, but it might be hard to take the movie seriously when somebody’s getting their toes viciously gnawed off by a miniature schnauzer.

The Corpse Grinders is also about how we treat the dead, the homeless, and the disabled – three categories of humans that society would rather push under the rug and forget about.  It’s not the first to explore the intersection of these categories, either. In a sense, this is a Burke and Hare movie.  If you haven’t heard of Burke and Hare, they were a couple of landlords in early 19th century Ediburgh who made some money by selling the corpses of their dead tenants to the university medical school to dissect.  Eventually it occurred to them that they didn’t need to wait for their victims to die on their own.  They’ve been the subject of several movies, themselves, ranging from outright horror to dark comedy, and The Corpse Grinders follows the same basic premise.  When you’re already selling the dead, it’s a small step to the almost dead, and from there to the merely unwanted.

Almost all of Landau’s victims fall into this category.  There’s his disabled employees, who work for him because ‘nobody else will hire them’. There’s the homeless drunks. There’s the gravedigger and his wife, an isolated and ill couple who don’t appear to have any friends.  He knows to pick victims like these because his first victim, the cat food company’s financial backer, was missed, and it’s still causing him trouble after all this time.  People like one-legged Tessie, or the gravedigger’s wife, have no support system. The fact that nobody even notices they’re gone ought to be just as horrifying as their fate.

Not that this is actual social commentary on the movie’s part.  I don’t think even the stuff about cat-human relationships was intended to make us think. The film-makers just don’t like cats. Even when it shows us Landau’s victims, its logic is the same as his: nobody wants these people, nobody will care if they’re gone.  The setup in which we meet people like Willie, Tessie, and the Gravedigger’s wife is mostly to show us why nobody wants them, rather than trying to make their deaths into tragedies. Mikels and Hall Sr. don’t seem to like people any better than they like cats.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go hug my cat and tell her she’s a pretty girl.  She’ll try to eat me, but it’s just her way of telling me she loves me too.

[bananaxbee]

That’s Not On Chipotle’s Menu pt. 2 | Larry Stylinson

****FIND PART ONE HERE*****

Summary: In which Harry tries to figure out what kind of feelings Louis has for him.

Length: 1.9K

Also available on my Wattpad (1D_HarryStyles_1D) and AO3 (xdistorted_cliffordx)

*There is mention of Camille Rowe and Tess Ward. It is considered negative, but not hate. I know how people are nowadays with these two, so PLEASE do NOT comment rude or hateful things towards me for including it or towards those two. It will be deleted and reported.*

----

Harry felt utterly embarrassed. Why had he said that? Did Louis actually hear him? Anxiety was taking over his body and he felt like he was on the verge of having a panic attack. What really bothered him was that Louis was acting normal and like nothing happened. What if he had heard him? Did that mean that he didn’t feel the same way?

“How are you enjoying your burrito bowl?” Louis suddenly asked, bringing Harry back to the present.

“Oh, uh, it’s really good,” Harry answered.

Louis’ brow crinkled. “You’ve barely touched it. You don’t have to worry about hurting my feelings, if that’s what you’re scared of. It’s not for everyone.”

“No, I promise, Lou, it’s great! I’m just...I have things on my mind and -” Harry rambled, not lying.

“Things on your mind? Like what? Someone as successful and M.I.A. as you? What could you possibly have to worry about?” Louis asked, a hint of a smile on his face.

“Just...some personal things,” Harry said with a tight smile before dismissing it with a wave of his hand. “It���s nothing. I’d bore you if I told you.”

“Haz, I’m one of your closest friends. You can talk to me if you need to. That’s what I’m here for,” Louis smiled.

Harry reciprocated the grin. “Thanks, Lou. I’ll be fine. I just need out of my head.”

Louis nodded and they went back to eating in silence. Out of the corner of his eye, Harry watched as Louis nibbled at a chip. He looked like he was in his glory. He looked happy. Harry hadn’t seen Louis genuinely happy in what felt like a millenium. That saddened him, knowing that he had been that stressed and under pressure for those five years. Harry was the same way, but he knew Management burdened Louis so much more.

“How’s Eleanor? You two going well?” Harry asked, figuring that he might as well get the elephant out of the booth.

Louis stopped mid-chew and looked up at Harry, his sea blue eyes meeting Harry’s green ones. “What?”

“Eleanor. I had read that you two were back together and saw some photos,” Harry explained, forcing his smile. He would’ve said that he was happy for him, but he really wasn’t. If anything, he was completely envious. Louis knew that.

“Um, she’s fine. I haven’t talked to her in a while, actually,” Louis admitted, looking down at his burrito bowl.

“Wait, what do you mean? I hate to tell you, Lou, but that isn’t how relationships work,” Harry said with a slight chuckle.

“That’s only if you’re in one,” Louis mumbled.

Harry scrunched his brows. “I’m sorry, Louis. I didn’t mean-”

“Don’t sweat it. The media makes it seem like we’re happier than ever, but we’re only just casual friends,” Louis told him.

“You never got back together with her?” Harry asked.

“No. I never wanted to really see her again either,” Louis shrugged. “My management thought that it would be a wise idea to make it look like I went from a party boy to domesticated and settling down. They wanted to continue the image that Modest had been formulating. Also, we were never in a relationship together. You knew that, H. Why would we be getting back together if we never started?”

Harry felt his cheeks burn as he realized what he had said. He didn’t want to show his jealousy. He didn’t want Louis to catch on more than he probably already has. He just wanted to keep his longing romantic feelings for the guy to himself. “What? Oh. I don’t know.”

“You know, you really suck at lying, Harry,” Louis smirked. “Tell me.”

Harry let out a huff of air. “Well, when you guys were forced to be together during the band, I felt that you guys did actually have a connection. Like there was something there and I didn’t know that your management was still pulling this fake shit on you, so I thought that you guys finally acted on it.”

Louis started laughing, finding it funny that Harry would assume such things. “Absolutely not, Harry. Eleanor is a great person and all that, but she’s…if anything, she’s like another sister to me. She’s a good friend and that’s all we want to be. We wouldn’t be good in a relationship because we’re too similar.”

That relieved the tension that Harry had developed in his back. He couldn’t help but smile, knowing that his man was still on the market. “Well, I’m sorry for assuming anything. Are you that domesticated and poised Louis Tomlinson?”

“Hah! No way!” Louis laughed. “In all seriousness though, yeah, I’d say kind of. I still like to go out and have a good time, but I’m not a wild party mongor like I was back in 2015. I can feel myself settling down, I guess. As in, calming down that is. I’m not settling to be a bachelor for the rest of my life.”

“That’s good. I’m glad you’re not getting piss drunk every night anymore. You were nearly out of control,” Harry pointed out, remembering a version of Louis that made him sad. That Louis was so lost and broken, it was a sorry scene.

“Yeah, me too. I went to AA for a little while, which really helped,” Louis admitted, sounding proud.

“But you still drink?” Harry asked. He wasn’t knowledged in that area, but he was pretty sure that people in AA weren’t allowed to drink.

“Yeah, but not as much. I went there with the intentions of alcohol celibacy for just a bit. I wanted to ultimately just cut back on how much alcohol I drank. The counselors knew that and understood. I did quit drinking cold turkey for about five months. That really helped because when I did have a drink again, I didn’t have obscene amounts. It was just a few beers and I was done for the night. It’s amazing how it worked,” Louis explained to him.

Harry smiled, happy to see Louis bettering himself. “I’m proud of you, Louis. Never thought that you’d do something like that. It’s very commendable.”

“Thanks, H,” Louis smiled, his blue eyes twinkling. “So, enough about my life. What’s been going on with you? Done any hard jail time or any scandals following you around?”

Harry chuckled with Louis at his questions. “Not all that much is new. Just toured the album and now I’m on a bit of a break before the North American leg starts. Just been jotting down some songs mostly. Not sure if they’ll be on my next album, someone else’s album, the next One Direction album. I’ve really just been coasting along.”

“You’ve also been with a couple of girlies, eh, curly?” Louis smirked slyly.

“Not by choice. I...they’ve been forced on me. The only problem is that I didn’t really click with them or anything, so it made the PR dates awkward,” Harry cringed, not liking the memories.

“That one you had where she wore your shirt…that was outrageous! People had you two married by that!” Louis laughed. “I couldn’t help but laugh at all the comments I saw. Over a shirt of all things.”

“Tess Ward? Yeah, that was pretty ridiculous. That wasn’t even planned. She just took my shirt somehow and started wearing it. She wasn’t even supposed to be a PR girlfriend. After management met with her, they turned her down because they felt that she wasn’t a very good fit for me. Then she goes and tells all this paparazzi and media and whatnot that we’re in some kind of fantasy relationship and wears my shirt like I actually gave it to her. It was quite a mess of a situation. Management had to file a restraining order to keep her away from me. That’s also where Camille came in. To keep Tess from spreading the rumors, management formulated a thing with Camille and that’s a headache. She’s a fine person, but I don’t get on with her that well. She was still in a public relationship with someone when it started and ended that relationship for this. It was rather annoying. It finally ended though, so that’s a good thing. The fans weren’t too crazy about her either,” Harry vented. His PR stunts always got him heated and he always ranted when it came to talking about them. He was sure that he had put Louis to sleep with it, but when he looked up, Louis had been listening intently. It warmed Harry’s heart.

“I mean, when do the fans like who we’re dating? But you’re right. I’ve seen some of the comments about her...a lot of hatred towards her. That isn’t right, but she seems like she’s bringing some of it on herself, doesn’t it?” Louis asked.

“That wouldn’t surprise me. Wants the world to know that we’re in some relationship, even though it isn’t real,” Harry agreed. “I just want the PR stunts to be over with now. I’ve come out...kind of. I want to be in a relationship that I choose to be in, not one that’s premeditated.”

“I hear you there, H. I really like that song by the way - Medicine. Really good one,” Louis smiled.

“Thank you. It’s one of my fav - wait, how do you know it? I mean, there is Youtube, but the only way for you to know it exists is if you’ve been to one of my shows,” Harry asked, quirking his eyebrows.

Louis smirked and picked up his soda, taking a sip. “Amsterdam. Good show.”

“I thought that was you!” Harry exclaimed, feeling himself grow giddy.

“I thought you knew that it was me!” Louis laughed. “You kept singing certain songs and looking at me, so I thought you knew.”

Harry’s cheeks burned with embarrassment again. “Oh, yeah. I did.”

Louis reached across the table and grabbed Harry’s hands in his. “You know, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out who those songs are about....I like them, a lot.”

Harry looked up, meeting his blue eyes. “They’re...they’re about you. I’m sorry. I just...they were my favorite songs and I was so emotional and I missed you when I had written them and I had to put them on the album because they were the ones that I put my all in-”

“Harry, I told you I loved them,” Louis cut off. “You don’t miss me anymore?”

A knot formed in Harry’s stomach. It’s now or never. “Yeah, of course, I do. I’m in love with you, Louis. I have been for years now.”

Louis had a small smile on his lips, but it fell after a second. “I’m really sorry I hurt you. I never meant or wanted to.”

“I know,” Harry whispered.

Before Harry could process what was happening, Louis was leaning across the table and his lips were placed softly on Harry’s. The feeling was something that Harry had missed so much. The hard, yet soft motions of their lips moving together as one. The fireworks that had always been there reappeared. It felt right again. Harry felt whole, completed almost.

They broke apart and Louis looked at him with a small smile, not breaking their hands apart. “Maybe we should work on not being lonely anymore.”

“Yeah, I’d really like that.”

----

Due to popular demand on AO3, here's the second installment of this story line. I hope you all enjoy it just as much as you did the first one!

If you can't get enough of this story line, let me know if you would like a third and final installment. :)

[tardisheart134]

Brownies

Summary:  Dean / Cas Christmas Fluff   Warnings: Some mild drug use (pot)

"Have you got any plans for the holidays?"  Castiel asked Dean in the breakroom one day at work.  It was cold and he cupped his hands around his paper cup of hot tea for warmth.

"Not anything crazy…My brother Sam and I will probably sit around watching tv and drinking eggnog but beyond that nothing too crazy.  What about you?"  

"No, my family is not from around here and I'm not travelling.  I guess you could say we are un-officially estranged."

"Well, you're welcome to come hang with Sammy and I over the break.  We will get a ham and some of the fixings."

Castiel's eyes brightened up.  He wasn't fishing for an invitation he just wanted to know what Dean was doing so that while he was sitting at home alone over the break he could day dream about him.  

"If it's not too much of an intrusion, I would love it."

"Of course,  I always love hanging out with you anyway."  

Cas was almost blushing now.  "I can bring some wine."

"Good, I will make some of my special brownies."  Dean gave Castiel a wink.  

Castiel has never been one of the cool kids but he was pretty sure he knew what Dean meant when he said "special" brownies.  He leaned forward to whisper in Dean's ear for clarification any way.

"Do you mean pot brownies?"  

"Yeah, is that okay with you - I mean I don't have to make them…"  Dean was back pedaling now thinking maybe he had assumed too much.

"No - that sounds nice - I mean - I've never had it before - but I think I would like to try it…"  

"Okay, well if you're sure."

"If I'm being honest I'm a little worried - I've never even been really drunk before so I'm not sure what I will be like on pot - but I've always wanted to know how it feels."

"The key is to having someone there who you trust who can talk you through it.  I'll be there with you…you trust me don’t you, Cas?"  

Cas nodded in affirmation and Dean did not doubt him.  It was settled then.  Cas would come over for dinner and movies on Christmas Eve.  Dean who had been pining for Castiel for months now since he joined his department was cooking like crazy in the kitchen and playing Metallica on blast.  Sam came in the kitchen and opened a beer.  

"I thought you said we were just having a small dinner -"

"huh?"  Dean pinched his face up not able to hear Sam.

"I said…I thought it was just going to be a small dinner…." Sam tried to yell over the music.

Dean set the hand blender down and lowered the music.  

"One more time…"  

Sam repeated his question with a put out roll of the eyes.  

"Yeah - well that was before Cas agreed to come over dinner.  I want to have enough food and I'd like to impress him��ya' know?"  A faint pink blush covered Dean's cheeks.  Sam was well aware of Dean's little crush.  Dean talked of nothing else most nights after work.  Sam has been trying to persuade him to ask Cas out for a while but Dean would always say - I'm not sure if he's into guys and then the conversation was over.  

Dean set the brownies out to cool just as the doorbell rang.  Cas was right on time.  Dean had to stop and take a breath before going to the door.  

"Hiya Cas"  Dean pulled Castiel in squeezing him tight and Castiel squeezed back just as tight for just a minute Dean felt sure that this meant as much to Cas as it did to Dean.  Castiel followed Dean into the kitchen.  Dean had changed over to a Christmas playlist with an assortment of his own quirky versions of Christmas songs that he and Sam had collected over the years…including the Muppet's John Denver Christmas album.  Dean would fight anyone who said it wasn't a masterpiece.  Castiel set the wine down on the table.

"Wow - Dean this looks delicious - you undersold - you said this would be a small dinner."  Castiel eyed the ham, turkey, and a heaping bowl of mashed potatoes, green beans, rolls.  There were two pies apple and pecan and Castiel eyed the special brownies on the cooling rack.  Sam came through the door and clapped Cas on the back.  

"It's good to see you again, Cas how are you?"  

"I'm well, thanks for having me over I hope it's not too much of an intrusion."

"No, are you kidding?  It’s great to have someone else to share the holidays with.  It’s just Dean and I all the time.”   

They dug in.  Sam was gracious and warm keeping the conversation going even when it seemed like it was going to fizzle out.  

Sam and Cas made their way to the living room with the eggnog and rum to pick out a movie.  "Do you have a favorite Christmas move?"  Sam asked Cas.

"I've always been fond of It's a Wonderful Life but that's a bit older of a movie."  

"Okay, we can start with that one.  It's one of our favorites too.  Dad made us watch it every year."  

Dean came in clicking the lights off and sitting down on the couch next to Cas. They watched It's a Wonderful Life and Home Alone.  Sam had fallen asleep somewhere in the middle of 'Home Alone'.  When Dean got up to put The Santa Clause in Sam excused himself to bed.  

"I'm sorry guys - I guess I'm just too old to party hard like I used to… You two don't stay up too late though - or Santa won't come…"  

Cas laughed as Sam made his way back to his room.  "Maybe I should go - Dean - it is getting late - I don't want to keep you up too late."  

"No, Cas stay - we haven't even had the brownies yet.  I mean unless you want to go…"  

"I'd like to stay."  Castiel was looking down at his hands.  

"You really should just stay and crash on the couch tonight.  It's supposed to start snowing and if we're gonna eat these brownies there is no point in you trying to go out."  

"Okay."  Cas smiled shyly at Dean.  

"Okay, then."  

Dean came back with the pan of brownies and a blanket.  He plopped the brownies down on the coffee table and covered him and Cas with the blanket.  

"Now the thing about brownies is you need to take it slow.  You won't feel it right away so you may think you need to eat another one and then it can hit you pretty quick."  

"Okay."  

They were about halfway through "the Santa Clause" before Castiel got the nerve up to eat a brownie.  When the movie was over he had another one. Dean had one and turned the Christmas music back on in the background.   They sat there in the dark other than the glow of the tiny pre-lit tree in the corner.  They both started giggling randomly at the 12 days of Christmas song.   The giggle grew until they were both belly laughing so hard they were almost in tears.

"I have a confession…"  Cas said wiping at the tears in the corners of his eyes, laughter still in his voice.  

"What's that?"  Dean grinned back.  

"I have a crush on you…."  Cas let out another string of giggles. "I've had one for months now…isn't that absurd!"  Castiel was bent over laughing with his hand on Dean's knee for support.  Castiel would have never made this confession not in a million years, not to anyone - least of all Dean.  It must have been the brownies giving him the courage.  

Dean who was not as high as Cas was frozen in place.  He couldn't decide if Cas really had this crush on him.  And even if he did, clearly it wasn't something that Castiel felt comfortable enough talking about sober so maybe it wasn't something he wanted to act on.  Worse yet - maybe Castiel had been aware of Deans ill-hid feelings all this time and was now mocking him.  Whatever it was - it was enough to sober Dean right up.  

"Why would you say that Cas?"  Dean's voice had dropped a few octaves and it was clear that he was no longer laughing.  

Castiel sat up and let go Dean's knee.  With all the mirth gone, his head just felt foggy and slow as he tried to figure out how to answer Dean.  

"I - uh - I just that's - I shouldn't have opened my mouth - Dean - shit I'm sorry.  I should go."  Cas pulled the blanket back and tried to get off the couch but he tripped over the leg of the coffee table.  Dean caught him and pulled him back down next to him letting his hand stay resting on his shoulder.  

"Cas don't go - just tell me - are you making fun of me?"   Cas' eyes widened in shock -

"What makes you think I'm making fun of you?"  

"I just I thought maybe it was obvious that I have feelings for you - I thought you were mocking me."  

"No - I had no idea you had feelings for me - I mean - I hoped but I assumed we were just friends and that this was just wishful thinking."  

"So you have a crush on me and I have a crush on you?"  Dean grinned and Cas returned the smile, relaxing against Dean's side.  Dean spread the blanket back over them both and reached for another brownie.

"hey Cas…"  Dean said between mouthfuls of brownie.  "Can I hold your hand?"  

"Yes, Dean."    

The next morning Dean woke up with his head on Castiel's chest.  Neither of them spied Santa but they both got their Christmas wish that year.  

Hope you guys liked it.  Thank you for reading!  <333

@fabulousfangirllovesfood @thebandsback @perpetualabsurdity @nerdygirlwithacrush @princessariell2 @pinkbunnies2001 @castielbabyangelface @desti4l @mein1928 @xxchloegrayxx @catcackles16 @katoudoe @destiel-shippers @destiel-smut-motherfuckers @tardisdementor  @ships-a-lot @deanneedsahug  @destielisrealyouslut @heydestybaby @winchester-reload @chaoticandproud  @an-angel-in-love-with-a-hunter @tassianac @ilovemesomeassbutt @deancas @tiesandpies   @destielfluff @devoted2destiel @mynameisinigomontoyawinchester @shit-happens-bitchachos @andyfloat-666 @tree-of-blue-squirrel @linkinparkfan09 @lmejia13 @trenchcoatsandjellybabies @mizukiyumeko @winchester11 @cas-you-assbutt-dean-needs-you @mylostsoul28 @nightmysteriousmoon @no-more-myself-only-you @starcastlesinthesky @charlie-minion @rockergirl57 @shy-destiel @theboywithabs @mymansam @juneandthestars @superwhophanlocked @cats-tiel @mynotsoapplepielife @just-some-destiel @lalalaandlalala @winchester-reload @judecas @lucislittlegirl @justsomeonerandom17 @gottalovethefandomlife @inlovewith-humanity  

@casdean91 @wanderingcas @fandom-life-alwayz @lindsayrose2016 @ships-a-lot @tardisdementor @glassofcity @fool-of-a-tardis @superport17

[sf9stolemyheart-blog]

Get To Know Me Tag! :D

Tagged by @the-mockingbird-flies (thank you btw <3)

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people.

I saw on the people I’m following to this and I thought it would be fun

THE LAST:

1. Drink: Water 2. Phone call: My older bro 3. Text message: Some work dood 4. Song you listened to: My Chemical Romance - Summertime 5. Time you cried: does fangirling count?

HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice: yas 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: nope 8. Been cheated on: noo 9. Lost someone special: yhhhh but they didnt die or anything 10. Been depressed: yhhhhhh i go in and out of it 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: nope

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: blue, purple, black

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: yassss <3 we call ourselves ‘Diickpunks’ <3 16. Fallen out of love: yaaas xD 17. Laughed until you cried: YAAAAAS 18. Found out someone was talking about you: no... 19. Met someone who changed you: yh, my friends, Diickpunks <3 20. Found out who your friends are: yh.... :’) 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: nope, i dont have FB lol

GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: none xD 23. Do you have any pets: nope 24. Do you want to change your name: nah 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: nothing..i dont celebrate my bday :’) 26. What time did you wake up: like 6:20am ish 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: having the greatest sleep of all time 28. Name something you can’t wait for:  NFLYING comeback//my FANTASY 1st package to arrive~~ <3 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: this morn at like 6ish i guess 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: ermmm more outgoing?? 31. What are you listening right now: MCR - Vampire Money <3 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: yas 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: people talking behind other people’s backs.....people thinking theyre better than others....shit like that >:L 34. Most visited Website: Youtube

LOST QUESTIONS. I JUST PUT IN RANDOM INFO ABOUT ME 35. Mole/s: nope 36. Mark/s: yaas, i fell into a thorn bush so my legs have a lot of (faded) scars, and the ol birth mark or two :3 37. Childhood dream: ....to be famous...... ;_;

38. Haircolor: black

39. Long or short hair: medium 40. Do you have a crush on someone: nope :’) ♫what is loveee...*starts bopping head*

41. What do you like about yourself: hmmmmm, how understanding i can be? 42. Piercings: nope BUTT i did get my ears pierced when i was younger, but they closed up in no time :’) 43. Bloodtype: B+ 44. Nickname: Bex, Bucket (thnx to a typo of ‘Becky’ xD), Becca 45. Relationship status: Singleeeeeeeee AF 46. Zodiac: Cancer 47. Pronouns: She/Her/They/Them 48. Favorite TV Show: Suits, in terms of Korea - rn it would be Unni is Alive 49. Tattoos: Nope 50. Right or left hand: Right 51. Surgery: no ACTUALLYY i was a dumb lickle 3yr old and jumped into a glass cabinet and got glass stuck in my forehead and went hospickle for that xD 52. Hair dyed in different color: nopeeeeee 53. Sport: football (soccer), badminton, maybe hockey but not on the ice and im in net thnxxx 55. Vacation: i literally just made a bucket list of where i wanna go a few days ago! destinations include: Canada, France, Blue Lagoon in Iceland and Jeju Island! :D 56. Pair of trainers: well....i have like 4 that i use a lot that i got for like £10 each in the most normal colours ever: black, white, black and white, grey.....my brother got me these really cool purple fur adidas trainers from turkey and theyre nice....but ruined.....i havent used them in nearly 1 year...all i need to do is wash them xD

MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: rn? texac bbq pringles 58. Drinking: water or tea bb or its a no from me 59. I’m about to: finish this quiz and binge watch sidemen stoof 61. Waiting for: idk??? FTISLANDs ‘Wing’ stage on show champ, if theyre even on it today xD 62. Want: mo money, less pro’lems and lee jaeyoon 63. Get married: naahhhh, unless i think ur the true one then naahhh 64. Career: ermmmmmmmm those exist???

WHICH IS BETTER 65. Hugs or kisses: hugs <3 66. Lips or eyes: eyes <3 especially green ones ;) 67. Shorter or taller: TALLER, IM FUCKING 5 FOOT 1 AND NEED A TALL MAN TO PROTECT MAI SMOL ASS 68. Older or younger: OLDER (but if u can finesse me, then go ahead legal younger ones) 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: nice.......stomach.....even tho SF9s Youngbin’s arms get me all kinds of fucked up istfgggg 71. Sensitive or loud: ????hmmm...??? loud ppl attract me cos im so quiet so?????i still dunno imma so sarry 72. Hook up or relationship: relationship.... 73. Troublemaker or hesitant:...*sighhhhh*..... troublemakers are more fun so.....

HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a stranger: nah 75. Drank hard liquor: yas and anything under 35% is water to me jkjk xD 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: nopeeareeno 77. Turned someone down: yas 78. Sex on the first date: no 79. Broken someone’s heart: yes :’) soz broe 80. Had your heart broken: nope 81. Been arrested: nopearoonie 82. Cried when someone died: yas, my brother’s best friend got stabbed randomly.... :( i really liked him. im so glad i got to meet him <3 rest in peace <3 83. Fallen for a friend: yas lel

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh maybe.....sometimes.... :’) 85. Miracles: yash! 86. Love at first sight: ehhhhhhhh i dunno 87. Santa Claus:....soz broe....... 88. Kiss in the first date: i mean.....theres no harm in it imo..... 89. Angels:........not really...............but i wont hesitate to call a hooman an angel (like SF9s Chani xD)

OTHER: 90. Current best friends name:  i dont have oneeee 91. Eyecolor: black/really really really dark brown 92. Favorite movie: 10 Things I Hate About You /// Friend (Korean Movie)

Imma tag: @iikpoptrash @javajaeyoon @jiminhavenojams @feelsensational @ryoko-tofuu @kimyumbin :’) im not gonna tag 20 ppl omg xD

[bulgarianmermaid]

There are places you know you will miss from the first moment you set your eyes on them. Those places feel like home without you even having thought of visiting them let alone living there before. Deep into the Caucasus Mountains, where Georgia ends and Russia begins, at the top of Cross Pass outside Gudauri, you can still find high mountain peaks, desolate roads, rugged landscape, and unexplored wilderness that make my heart sing. High up there, where >5000m peaks kiss the bright blue sky and most people lose their breath, that is where I get found. The wilderness speaks directly to my soul, it calls my wild heart, it urges me to explore. It calms me down, I sleep without a single worry, nothing matters and all our “modern” concerns seem like “first world problems”.

The real Georgia in winter is cold and snowy, rough around the edges, wild and untamable, high in altitude and strong in liquor content. Just how I like my destinations (and my men) ❤ A few places in the American West had such a profound effect on me, an effect so strong I didn’t want to leave, let alone go back to the city. The Caucasus Mountains remind me of the San Juans in Southwest Colorado high up Red Mountain Pass from Ouray to Silverton – a place where I camped without a tent at 12000ft elevation and that experience was the best birthday present I could have ever asked for ❤

Gudauri is the largest ski resort in Georgia hidden deep in the Caucasus Mountains on Georgia Military Road almost all the way to the Russian border. Gudauri Ski Resort‘s base is at >2000m, its highest chair lift reaches 3200m, so with a vertical drop top to bottom on a ski run 1200m, it will surely make your legs shake 🙂 All 75km of groomed ski runs in Gudauri sit above tree line facing the sun and grant you the view of a lifetime every single chair ride. In terms of snow conditions, terrain quality, lift services and variety of ski runs, Gudauri can rival any ski resort in the Alps and the Rockies. Gudauri just added 4 new chair lifts this season and opened a whole new valley on the back side (Kobi) to off piste skiing and riding. Yet you can still have the whole resort to yourself and ski right behind the snow cat on empty slopes during the week.

Since I was in Gudauri for 2 weeks with IntotheWild.bg, we could choose what to do each day depending on the conditions and we rode off piste every time we got a foot of new snow. On the days when Ullr didn’t deliver overnight freshies, we basked in the sun and rode soft groomers. Because when you go to the Caucasus Mountains you get equally spoiled by fresh snow and freshly groomed slopes! Gudauri Ski Resort offers 3 valleys with lift serviced terrain for off piste skiing/riding. In addition, there are multiple backcountry and ski touring routes if you are willing to take a hike for an hour or two and earn your turns.

PC: @intothewild.bg

PC: Veselin Dochev

On our days off from skiing (2 in total for two weeks), we checked the Russian baths in Gudauri (Tsar Bani) for an authentic experience at the highest steam baths in the world and took a shuttle to the village of Kazbegi to visit Rooms Hotel for its signature view which overlooks Mt Kazbeg and Gergeti Trinity Church from the balcony. Only later did I find that Mt Kazbeg (>5000m = >16000ft) is a dormant volcano, no wonder I fell in love with it at first sight!

In Gudauri I recommend staying at Quadrum Hotel (under $100 for a double room, breakfast with a view included). Brand new and built only with natural materials in simple and modern Scandinavian style, it offers a spa and swimming pool, as well as daily yoga classes to meet all your post-skiing / hiking needs and soothe your sore muscles. There is a bar and restaurant on site as well where you can grab dinner as you’ll be exhausted after a day of skiing and unwilling to look for a place to eat down the road in town at night.

  In Kazbegi Rooms Hotel (over $100 for double room, breakfast with a view included) gets my vote for fantastic design, superb amenities, fusion cuisine and incredible service. You’ll notice there are many cheaper options in Georgia but as with every developing country, you get what you pay for, so be careful how excited you get about a budget room, especially if your budget can accommodate a comfier experience 🙂 Remember to book both hotels well in advance as they usually sell out during the main season.

    Considering my obsession with high mountain passes, Georgia Military Road deserves its own blogpost but I’ll try to give it enough attention here before I return to explore it further in summer. Georgia Military Road is one of ONLY 2 passes that connect Georgia with Russia over the Caucasus Mountains. Being a major road artery, the pass is usually well cleaned after a snow storm (or completely closed during one) and is quite busy with semi truck traffic. The highest point is Cross pass (Jvari Pass) right outside Gudauri Ski Resort at 2379m (7815ft). In winter the road works only in one direction in 2 hr intervals as the “tunnels” (actually avalanche barriers) are too narrow for two trucks to pass at the same time. There is a separate lane for summer that allows two way traffic but it is closed in winter as it is too dangerous to drive on that sliver of asphalt on the cliffside with no barriers and vertical drops at most places.

The never ending “tunnels” between Gudauri and Kazbegi are probably the most freakish roads I have ever passed (and to think I was considering hitchhiking there…) There is no light inside, no road markings or directions, the tunnels curve and are very narrow (remember…one way traffic). If I told you there would be light at the end of the tunnel (literally), would you follow me high up in the Caucasus Mountains in the middle of a snow storm, on windy one-lane roads through pitch-black avalanche barriers? And if you did the reward would be one of the greatest views of Mt Kazbeg you’ve ever seen (and a cocktail in the swanky bar at the posh Rooms Hotel Kazbegi)

    Georgia may seem far and off the beaten path to the weekend traveler, yet there are multiple flights daily from Europe to Tbilisi and Kutaishi. We opted for budget travel and I’m SO glad we did! The bus-shuttle-plane-taxi experience gave our trip such a good and authentic start. Since we were coming from Bulgaria, we took the bus to Turkey (6hrs overnight from Plovdiv to Istambul in the coldest night of the year), schlepped our luggage from the bus station to the airport with a shuttle (which took another 1.5hrs), then jumped on a flight to Tbilisi (2.5hrs of crammed leg space) and finished our trip with a taxi to Gudauri (add 2 more hours where we were so exhausted the taxi driver could have taken us anywhere and I wouldn’t have cared as long as he let me sleep 🙂

  The travel was very oriental and interesting, safe, cheap, and by no means difficult. Culture shock abound for my Western friends every step of the way – squat toilets with no paper at the Bulgarian-Turkish border (yes, we had to cross the border on foot at night in the middle of a rainstorm), perfumed alcohol in the bus to disinfect your hands, having to haggle for your bottled water (because you have to haggle for everything in the Middle East), et all. Since we were coming from a place with no snow and going thru a place with no snow, everyone was really interested in us and where we are going with all this snowboarding gear. Some people had never seen snow, most couldn’t even perceive the idea that we were taking a bus to a shuttle to a plane to a taxi to a winter resort in Georgia almost on the border with Russia.

    To get from Tbilisi to the mountains you have to experience the famous Georgian driving on steep and windy mountain roads. My recommendation is to hold on tight and not look at what the driver is doing…prayer also helps 🙂 You thought Istambul driving was crazy, wait till you see Georgia. If you don’t abide to above rules, you’ll die of heart attack WAY before you actually crash. Locals drive these roads every day, your shuttle driver is well aware of what he is doing, save him your backseat driver speech 🙂

    The capital of Georgia – Tbilisi (aka ТиБилЛиСи in Bulgarian) is also called Tiflis in Turkey where I almost missed my flight not being able to find Tbilisi on the dashboard. And while the US has Facebook and Russia has V Kontakte, Tbilisi has Balcony.ge. People observe and share everything from their balconies 🙂 There is balcony architecture, balcony culture, balcony parties, basically “Welcome to the Land of Balconies!”

    Having covered skiing and travel in Georgia, now onto food and wine! What should you try from the famous Georgian cuisine? Basically everything…more than once – Kachapuri (homemade cheese and egg “pastry”), Khinkali (meat or veggie dumplings), Shashlik (meat skewers), breads, yogurt, cheeses, jams, jellies, soups, pickled veggies, spices!!! Based on the cuisines I had tasted before, I found Georgian dishes to resemble a mix of Armenian, Turkish, Russian, and Eastern European flavors but maybe those countries borrowed their spices and intricate preparations from Georgia, who knows…

    Georgia produces both red and white wines grown in a special viticultural region. The red is served hot and spiced on the slopes – a must for this apres-ski loving gal! Two other beverages to try are cognac and chacha. Georgia produces some of the best cognac in the world, I recommend the 5 or 8 yrs old aged varieties. And don’t forget to buy some as gifts for home! Chacha is the local name for homemade vodka / raki / moonshine. It is made from different fermented fruits. Drinking chacha is a Georgian tradition – don’t you dare refuse a toast – and resembles tequila tasting in Mexico. You will get drunk, for sure!!! The supermarket varieties go up to 55 proof while home-made chacha can be all the way up to 85 proof. I was super lucky to try a 65 proof persimmon homemade chacha aged in oak barrels on the slopes. You bet I brought some home 🙂

Last but definitely not least, I couldn’t get over was how sweet, kind, and hospitable the locals were, everywhere! Georgia is still very real, rural in places and rough around the edges at times, but that just adds to its local charm. Go visit while it is an up and coming destination, affordable and a developing tourist market and not yet full of foreigners and skiers. There is just SO MUCH to see and explore in Georgia, I only went to Gudauri and the Kazbegi Region but I will definitely be back in summer to hike the Caucasus Mountains, visit the wine region and experience the famous Tbilisi nightlife!

Svaneti in Summer – PC: @zermatterhorn

Gudauri Ski Resort, Georgia – A Gem Hidden Deep in the Caucasus Mountains There are places you know you will miss from the first moment you set your eyes on them.

[suckitsurveys]

How would you react if your celebrity crush came to your door? I would like to think that I’d be cool and Will and I would just go hang out somewhere but in reality I’d probably pass out. Has your mom/dad ever walked in on you kissing or anything more with someone? No. Do you know what it’s like to be truly happy? Yes. Are there any musical instruments in the room you’re in? Nope.

Are there any in your house at all? In my apartment, no. What electronics are in your room? (DVD player, CD player, etc) In our bedroom there’s a TV. Do you have a box anywhere with special items you’ll to keep forever in it? Yes. Do you have cordless phones in your house or not? Nope. If a horrible rumor was started about you and you found out who started it, what would you do with the person who started it? I’m not in high school thanks. Are there any keyboards in your house that aren’t being use? Yes. Do you know who Draco Malfoy is? Uh huh. If you had to, would you rather dye your hair red or black? Red. Do you have any pictures of yourself on your bedroom walls? Not in our bedroom but in our living room. Does your dad collect anything? DVDs, music/movie magazines, hats, old movie stills. Do you like all the new Disney movies like Wall-e more then the old cartoon ones, like Snow White and the Lion King? The classics have a special place in my heart but i enjoy the newer ones more these days. Especially Pixar ones. Do you ever press flowers into books so they’ll flatten all nicely? I have. My mother was really isn’t that If you had a chance to marry Mason Musso, would you? Is that the kid from Hannah Montana? Are the socks you’re wearing your favorite color? What about your shirt? I like blues, yes. What’s better, a desktop or laptop? Explain. I haven’t used a laptop in AGES. I do mostly everything either on my phone or at my desktop at work. Describe the worst day of your life. The day my mom died. Describe the happiest day of your life. The days my nieces were born. Do you know what ‘elaborate’ means? Yes. What about evidently? Yes. What’s the most you’ll pay for a pair of shoes? $100 for Birkenstocks i need new ones so baaaaaaaaaaaaad. Do you prefer kisses on the nose, cheek or forehead? Yes. How many people do you know in your english class? I’m done with school. Have you ever stolen a question from another survey while making one? I’ve used generic questions before. What can a guy do to prove he’s a gentleman? Don’t be an asshole. Is age just a number? To a degree. Is there someone who makes your stomach feel weak? In a bad way? Yes. I literally get sick to my stomach when I’m around my brother in law. Do your parents still hide chocolate eggs around on Easter for you? No. They never hid chocolate ones. We always hid hard boiled ones. What do you typically do on Easter Day? For the last 5 years we’ve been celebrating with my sister and her daughter. We do Easter baskets, dye eggs, and have an egg hunt. Then we eat an early dinner. We’ve also been taking this cute picture since my sister was pregnant with my niece. It started with her putting bunny ears on her belly. Then for my niece’s first Easter, we took a picture of her wearing the same bunny ears while my sister held her in front of her. We’ve been doing it every year since. Last year the picture included my niece with bunny ears and sister putting bunny ears on her pregnant belly again. I can’t wait to take this year’s picture with both of my nieces!! Does it annoy you when people say the wrong form? What? The person you have a crush on is drunk and goes to kiss you, you know they don’t realize what they’re doing, but do you kiss anyways? I don’t have a crush. If my husband did that I’d kiss back. We drunk kiss all the time haha. Do you prefer new questions in surveys or the typical name, age, etc? New, more interesting questions that allow me to elaborate. Are you embarrassed to tell people your weight? A little. Is there anyone you literally need to exist? Sure. Do you know what the difference between ‘your’ and 'you’re’ is? Of course. If it’s snowing, is Christmas extra special? YES that’s the only time I like snow. Do you know what AFV stands for? America’s Funniest Videos? Do you think 30$ for a pair of jeans is cheap? It’s about what I pay. Do you have any special plans for spring break? I don’t have a legit spring break but for my niece’s spring break I took a week off so we could go to Tennessee. Think of any one of your friends’. What is their mom’s name? Cindy. What is their favorite movie and TV show? My friend’s mom’s? I have no idea. When is the last time you two hung out one on one? Never. Have you ever exchanged presents with this person? I don’t believe so. She bought me dinner while I was in Boston a long time ago if that counts. Have your parents ever told you a frightening lie about something so you wouldn’t do it? Probably. Would you have a career you can’t stand if you made a lot of money? I don’t know. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt to say goodbye? Yes. Do you think it’s stupid when people have x’s in their username? Whatever. What would you prefer to get from a guy/girl: flowers, a hand written poem, a picture he drew of you or a nice night out? A nice night out/in. What does your hotmail username mean? I have one that’s actually linked to my FB. It’s the name of a Cake song. Root beer or orange soda? Root Beer. Do questions about sex in surveys make you uncomfortable? Nope. Do you any shirts with any kind of images of food on them? What? Uhhhhhhhhhhh. Yes. I have a shirt with pineapples on it. I think that’s it. I have leggings with watermelons on them too. OH WAIT I also have a shirt from a hot dog stand with a hot dog on it haha. Do ever have days when you feel really ugly? Yes. If the last person you spoke to on AIM/MSN kissed you, what would you do? Good lord I don’t remember who that was. Do you remember why you made the last mistake you did? I accidentally replied with the wrong signature to an email a little while ago lol. Do you plan on seeing the Hannah Montana movie? Wow, this is old. Anyways, I did see haha. Did you check how many calories the last thing you ate had? Nope. If you were interviewed for your best talent, what would that talent be? Useless knowledge about a cartoon horse. Do you know the chicken dance? 

If you asked your mom to describe you, what do you think she’d say? Nothing because she’s dead. If a random person asked how old you are, would you tell them? I mean. I don’t know. What are you looking forward to? VACATION. Do you ever wish you had a different family? No. Different friends? No. Do you ever have days when you just want to stay in bed all day long? Yes. Is turkey the best part about the holidays? No.

[tauers-go-dutch]

Africa Part III: Safari, So Good

Following an incredible week in Cape Town (it’s rare we ever stay in one place for a full week when traveling, but Cape Town definitely kept us busy) we hopped on a late-night plane back to Jo-berg, slept another night in that airport hotel, then headed off on safari!

A van picked us up from our airport before the sun came up and we rode for what may have been forever to Kruger National Park, which is in the northeastern part of South Africa, stretching into Mozambique as well. The park spans 7,500 square miles, but we stayed in a very small portion for the following three days. We stayed in a little camp in a small town called Hazyview, and we were fortunate enough to have heat and running water, unlike some of the other safari-goers we’d come across.

Our guide, Robbie, greeted us at the park entrance, where he promptly took us to our hotel and told us to take a nap. Thank goodness! He was going to pick us up in a few hours along with another couple and we’d go for our first afternoon/sunset safari.

The rooms are a bit bigger here than in Europe...

The other two on safari with us happened to be a couple about our age from Amsterdam! Well, the guy was an expat from Turkey but the woman was 100% Dutch. They were both really great people, and we enjoyed spending our first half of the safari with them. We stayed in the park until sunset, then returned to the cottage for dinner. Now apparently it is usually just a standard restaurant on the grounds where you just order a meal for dinner, but we happened to be there at the same time as a massive church choir from… Pennsylvania? Somewhere out east. I’m pretty sure it was PA. So instead there was a huge banquet-style all-you-can-eat spread that would feed us plus all the animals in the park. We ate, shared a bottle of wine with Robbie and our new friends from Amsterdam while the church choir sang for their supper, and hit the hay with an alarm set for 3:45 am.

Here are photos from our first trip into the park, with the leopard being the obvious highlight!

The first of any different types of antelope

Not sure how anyone could ‘spot’ that from the road

A better view. We stared each other down for about five minutes before other groups started to pull up and she took off. 

Save the rhinos

Spooky

Unfortunately this is the best photo we could get of the hyenas we saw

We were up bright and early the next day so we could be in the park before sunrise. Early on we saw several giraffes, a few rhinos, and of course all different types of antelope. There was also an elephant parade in front of our Jeep complete with an adorable baby. At this point, Robbie received word that a momma lion and her cubs were peeking out of a big rock formation, so we headed that way. While we only go to see their noggins, the lions were what we needed to round out the Big Five. We had already seen the leopard, rhino, elephant and water buffalo!

Just twinning with the zebras

The start of an elephant parade...

Baby!!!

...and the rear!

Our Dutch friends left us after our morning safari, so after a quick afternoon nap we were out for one more round, this time just Robbie and the two of us. In a way it was just more of the same, but honestly it never got old seeing what I’ve always considered to be exotic animals just roaming freely in their natural habitat. That night was much like the first as well, way too much food and way too many teenagers!

Fortunately our wake-up call was a bit later the following morning, because instead of going out on safari, we were heading up into the mountains. By this time a real treat in the form of an only-slightly racist but all-around obnoxious mother-daughter duo from DC had joined us. No bother, we mostly tuned them out.

Our first stop was the Graskop Gorge in Mpumalanga, where we took a lift down into an indigenous forest. There were gorgeous waterfalls as well as a variety of birds and bugs. I’m not sure if we were there at the right time, because not a lot seemed to be flowering. The rest of the day just consisted of driving to different amazing views, including the aptly-named God’s Window. While the safaris were incredible, this day allowed us to really get to know our guide, Robbie, and learn more about what he does on the daily. I don’t think you could meet a nicer, more genuine person. He had the most incredibly infectious squeal of a laugh, and he was not afraid to let it out. He also asked us a lot of questions, and loved being able to piece together what life is like in other countries from the countless people he’s taken on safari over the years. He had even met some people from Colorado a few months prior, and he will go (come?) visit them this winter and go skiing for the first time ever!

Going down...

Into the forest I go to feed my mind and find my soul

Standing at God’s Window

The Three Huts!

Lisbon Falls

Robbie told us he is a full-time safari guide about ten months out of the year. The other two months he splits between holiday and volunteering for the army. When I asked him what he did for the army, jokingly guessing, ‘hunting poachers?’ his response was: ‘Yep. We shoot to kill.’ Holy crap man, I was joking! He was not. He also shared some anecdotes, including the time he and a buddy got drunk and dipped their toes in a pond, until a croc came and dragged his pal’s dog under. I know, I wanted to cry too. He also watched his buddy lose both of his legs (in two separate chomps) to a great white while surfing as a teenager. We received both of these stories because Ryan dared to ask him what he was most afraid of in the wild. Anyways...

After lunch in a small mountain village (still mostly tourists) we made our way down the mountain where Robbie took us to a reserve with a swamp full of hippos. In Kruger it was nearly impossible to get near the hippos, so it was really cool to sit as close as we did this time around. There were also some incredible birds. We had another crack at the buffet and went back to our rooms, because the next day was our final safari outing, and we had that early wake up call again.

Little bird

Big bird

Little bird and big bird

On our final morning we came across a hyena, which we were able to follow as it trotted down the middle of the road for probably close to a mile. Lion King be damned, those animals are absolutely gorgeous. Another elephant crossed our path as well, and as he was about to step in front of us, he grabbed a rather large branch with his trunk. I wondered if perhaps it was a weapon or defense mechanism, and Robbie confirmed, saying he picked it up to ‘show us who’s boss’. When he made it safely to the other side he thrust it back behind him, though fortunately not actually very close to us. The final morning went by too fast, and before we knew it we were being dropped off at the front gate of the park, where we waited for our shuttle to take us back to Jo-burg. Our flight to Amsterdam was that evening, where we only had one more day before our big move back home.

Big elephant, big stick!

Found Zazu! 

A pretty solid ending to an incredible two-year adventure. <3

Tot ziens, for now!

[josephkitchen0]

5 Common Chicken Diseases and Symptoms

Not many vets specialize in chicken diseases and symptoms. Finding a good source of information, like Backyard Poultry magazine, is important. We keep chickens from the sustenance farmers standpoint. This means we do all we can to ensure the health and well-being of our animals, but when it comes to infectious diseases, we usually cull to prevent infection of other birds. This is a harsh reality of poultry farming.

This isn’t to say we don’t take measures to help them. We provide our animals with the healthiest diet possible. Our poultry flocks are free ranging, receive non-GMO feed as a supplement to free ranging, herbs, and all the garden produce we can spare. They receive apple cider vinegar water at the first sign of any sick chicken symptoms. We isolate any questionable bird from the flock and keep watch. They are our source of food and we treat them with respect and dignity. We practice the principles taught by my grandparents.

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These are five of the more common backyard chicken diseases and symptoms. Of these, I’ve only seen Coryza in my flock and that was once almost 10 years ago. I’m sure many of you have had to deal with one or more of these at some point in your chicken keeping.

If you provide your poultry flocks with all they need to live healthy lives, you’ll seldom have any problem. The main thing to do for them, I believe is to keep their immune systems healthy. We do this in a couple of ways.

We provide garlic and apple cider vinegar water. We mix one clove of finely minced garlic along with 1 tablespoon raw, organic apple cider vinegar in one gallon of water. We do this a couple of times a month, at season changes (for a week), when the flock experiences any type of stress, like when predators attack (for a few days), and at any sign of illness in the flock (for a week). We also mix garlic powder in their feed a few times a month. I just sprinkle the top of the food bucket so it has a good layer and mix it. The proper ratio is to be 2 percent.

Infectious Bronchitis

Infectious Bronchitis is a common chicken sickness in backyard flocks. Its severity ranges from mild to severe. Most flocks are exposed to it from wildlife and develop a certain resistance to it. The best way to prevent disease in any livestock is to keep their immune system as healthy as possible.

Symptoms include, but aren’t limited to:

Marked decrease in eating and drinking Discharge from the nostrils and eyes Gasping, coughing, and raspy breath sounds Decreased egg laying – the egg itself may be misshaped, soft-shelled and watery inside If the kidneys are affected, you’ll see increased drinking, sluggishness and scours

You can vaccinate against this disease, but it doesn’t prevent the infection. Studies show it may increase the recovery rate. Antibiotic treatment can be given. You may want to use a heat lamp on the affected birds to keep them warm.

Avian Influenza

Last year, 2015, saw record numbers of birds killed by this disease. While most of them were on large poultry farms, more backyard chicken keepers were affected than ever before. Any bird can carry it and transmit it across species. It came to our area via wild birds, or so we were told by the authorities. Our flock was unaffected, thankfully. We’re told it can be carried from farm to farm via our shoes, and by way of insects and rodents. It’s important you are able to recognize Avian Influenza symptoms. This dread of the poultry world is transmitted by mucous and feces from the infectious source.

The symptoms include, but aren’t limited to:

Sudden death with no signs of prior sickness The wattles, legs, and combs may have a purple color Misshaped or soft-shelled eggs and decreased or stop laying Decreased eating and drinking Lethargic Runny stools Coughing, discharge from the eyes and nose, maybe sneezing You may notice your bird walking drunk or unable to stand well

It’s considered a flu. Antibiotics do not help viruses in humans or birds. Again, proper nutrition and keeping your flock healthy at all times will help avoid most chicken diseases and symptoms. The USDA and other government agencies forced mass culling of many flocks to “prevent the spreading.” Some backyard poultry keepers reported their flocks were seized and killed without any symptoms being present and no loss of life.

Infectious Sinusitis

This is also known as Mycoplasmosis (Mycoplasma Gallisepticu). I prefer the common name, Infectious Sinusitis. This one affects the entire range of homestead poultry. The symptoms are the same across the board.

Symptoms include, but aren’t limited to:

Sneezing Foamy discharge from the nose and maybe the eyes Clear, watery drainage from the eyes Coughing and raspy breathing Swollen eyes and sinuses

There are antibiotics available which are reported be successful in treatment. Remember, preventative measures will keep most all chicken diseases and symptoms from your poultry flocks.

Fowl Pox

Fowl Pox is another common chicken sickness in backyard flocks. This disease has fewer fatalities. It often passes through a flock unnoticed to the novice chicken keeper.

Symptoms include, but aren’t limited to:

White blister-like lesions appearing more noticeably on the combs and wattles In extreme cases, they’re found on the legs and body

Like chicken pox in a human, they develop scabs which will heal and fall off in about three weeks. On the rare occasion, the pox can also be in the chicken’s mouth and throat which may cause breathing problems. This is the usual cause of death from this disease. Funny to note, like us, they may have scarring.

Many poultry breeders prefer to vaccinate to help possibly decrease the risk of fowl pox. I’ve read areas which have a high mosquito population are at a greater risk. Again, a healthy immune system can help your flock ward off disease.

Infectious Coryza

Commonly called Cold or Croup. This one ripped through our chicken flock almost 10 years ago and it was devastating. I had no experience with it. This was before we started focusing on natural health and preventative treatment for our livestock. When we began discovering GMOs and their effects on humans and animals, we began changing the whole way of life on our homestead. Unfortunately, we weren’t in time to prevent this disease from affecting our flock.

Symptoms include, but aren’t limited to:

Facial puffiness Discharge from eyes and nose Sneezing and coughing Difficult, labored breathing Staggering Stops eating and drinking Wattles and cones become light and may have a bluish color Stops egg laying Wheezing, raspy breathing

There are antibiotics which offer hope for the sick, but not a guaranteed cure. So, again, I say, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” Since we changed our way of eating on the homestead, we’ve not had another incident, except with the coccidiosis in our heritage breed Chocolate turkeys a couple of years ago. That’s another terrifying experience which I learned great lessons from!

I know having a sick animal can make you feel helpless. They can’t tell us where it hurts! I feel it’s important to remind you to always use your own judgment when taking advice from anyone, including myself. We don’t have the advantage of knowing your flock or being able to see and handle your birds to help you know what’s really going on. Many of the common chicken diseases and symptoms are very similar in description.

You may be one of the few people who have a vet who actually treats chickens. If in doubt, check with him or her. I would always try natural and holistic remedies first, but that is my choice, you must make your own.

Any information given in this post is just that, information. I am not attempting to diagnose or treat your animals. Your homestead and the health of all who dwell therein is your responsibility. Humans and animals alike benefit from a healthy, strong immune system so I share with you what we do for ourselves and that of the livestock entrusted to us for care.

Remember to NEVER eat a sick animal. Many of their illnesses can be transmitted to humans by feces, respiration, and ingestion. If we have a chicken die, we burn it. We never leave it to spread to the rest of the flock or to the flock of anyone else.

What experience do you have with any of these chicken diseases and symptoms? Let us know below.

Safe and Happy Journey, Rhonda and The Pack

5 Common Chicken Diseases and Symptoms was originally posted by All About Chickens

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25 Health “Facts” That Are Totally Wrong

There are some health “facts” that many people have heard so many times that they just assume they are true, ideas like “juice is healthy” or “gum will stay in your stomach for years.

But many of these “facts” are really myths about health.

Here’s what the science really says about these health myths.

There’s something about health and nutrition folk wisdom that’s resistant to truth.

Common health “facts” include the ideas that MSG will make you sick, that a juice detox is just what you need after a week of indulgence, and that sports drinks like Gatorade are totally fine since you need the electrolytes.

None of these things are true. They, like many other folk sayings and tips, fall into the category of health myths that are totally — or at least mostly — wrong. 

Here’s the truth behind some of those health claims you’ve heard all your life, but might not hold water at all.

MSG in Chinese food will make you sick.

Will Wei, Business Insider

The myth that MSG is bad for you comes from a letter a doctor wrote to the New England Journal of Medicine in 1968, where he coined the term “Chinese restaurant syndrome” to describe a variety of symptoms including numbness and general weakness.

But though the doctor blamed these feelings on monosodium glutamate, MSG, the research doesn’t back it up. The scientific consensus according the American Chemical Society is that “MSG can temporarily affect a select few when consumed in huge quantities on an empty stomach, but it’s perfectly safe for the vast majority of people.“

And this makes sense — MSG is nothing more than a common amino acid with a sodium atom added. The placebo effect is more than strong enough to account for the negative effects sometimes associated with MSG.

Coffee stunts your growth.

There isn’t a whole lot of evidence on this, but most research finds no correlation between caffeine consumption and bone growth in kids. 

In adults, researchers have seen that increased caffeine consumption can very slightly limit calcium absorption, but the impact is so small that a tablespoon of milk will more than adequately offset the effects of a cup of coffee. 

Interestingly, advertising seems to be largely responsible for this myth. A breakfast cereal manufacturer named C.W. Post was trying to market a morning beverage called “Postum” as an alternative to coffee, so he ran ads on the “evils” of Americans’ favorite hot beverage, calling it a “nerve poison” that should never be served to children.

Bundle up or you’ll catch a cold.

Being physically cold isn’t what gets you sick; exposure to a cold virus does. There’s no evidence that going outside with wet hair when it’s freezing will make you sick by itself — provided you avoid hypothermia.

But there are some scientifically sound explanations for why people catch more colds in winter. Because we spend more time in close quarters indoors, it is more likely that we’ll cross paths with a cold-causing virus spread from another person during the winter. And for several reasons, we may have a harder time fighting off cold and flu virus particles in winter.

But being cold itself isn’t what makes sick, and some argue that cold exposure can actually improve your health.

The chemical tryptophan in turkey makes you sleepy.

Another Pint Please…/Flickr

Who doesn’t love the post-Thanksgiving nap? We frequently consider those naps inevitable, since turkey contains tryptophan, an amino acid that is a component of some of the brain chemicals that help you relax.

But plenty of foods contain tryptophan. Cheddar cheese has even more than turkey — and cheddar is never pointed out as a sleep inducing food. Experts say that instead, the carbs, alcohol, and general size of the Turkey-day feast are the cause of those delicious holiday siestas. 

Taking your vitamins will keep you healthy.

Vitamins sound like a great idea. One pill that can provide you everything you need to be healthy!

If only they worked. After decades of research on vitamins, most reviews don’t find any justification for our multivitamin habit, and in some cases, vitamins have actually been associated with an increased risk of various cancers. Malnourished people might benefit from some supplements, but most of us should just get our vitamins naturally from food.

Beer before liquor, never sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.

We’re all heard it: “beer before liquor, never sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”

But while it’s very true that overdoing it with booze might leave you praying to the porcelain gods, there’s no need to place the blame on the order you consume the beverages in — alcohol is alcohol, and too much of it will make anyone feel sick.

However, there are some strange ways this piece of advice can make sense. People who switch from beer to mixed drinks (with senses and judgment already dulled) may be less likely likely to monitor their alcohol consumption and thus drink more.

And some research shows that your body metabolizes mixed drinks faster than higher-concentration alcohol (a shot of whiskey, say). So adding liquor to a stomach-full of beer could, in theory, create a sort of mixed drink that would metabolize faster than one or the other on its own.

We’ll call this one partly true, but chalk up the “never sicker” part mostly to bad decision making.

You lose 90% of your body heat through your head.

Flickr/hounombrellonelculo

Not necessarily. You lose body heat through anything uncovered, according to Dr. Aaron E. Carroll and Dr. Rachel C. Vreeman, authors of “Don’t Swallow Your Gum!: Myths, Half-Truths, and Outright Lies About Your Body and Health.”

Your head is not special in that way — it’s just more likely to be exposed.

“Most of the time when we’re outside in the cold, we’re clothed,” Richard Ingebretsen, MD, PhD, told WebMD Magazine. “If you don’t have a hat on, you lose heat through your head, just as you would lose heat through your legs if you were wearing shorts.”

Wait an hour after eating to swim or you’ll drown.

Some parents say no swimming for 30 minutes after eating, some say an hour, but many of us may remember waiting out the clock before returning to the pool or beach. The theory behind this seems to be that digesting food will draw blood to your stomach, meaning that less blood is available for your muscles, making them more likely to cramp.

But there’s no evidence to support this claim. In fact, many sources say there are no documented cases of anyone ever drowning because they’ve had a cramp related to swimming with a full stomach.

Cramps do happen frequently when swimming, but they aren’t caused by what’s in your stomach. If you do get one, the best policy is to float for a minute and let it pass.

It takes 7 years for gum to digest if you swallow it.

When it got out that Trump press secretary Sean Spicer chews and swallows two and a half packs of chewing gum by noon every day, many people had the same question: Couldn’t that maybe do some harm?

Probably not. Gum is mostly indigestible, meaning that it usually passes through your intestines and exits the other side, like most of what your body doesn’t need and can’t digest.

“On rare occasions, large amounts of swallowed gum combined with constipation have blocked intestines in children,” Dr. Michael Picco of the Mayo Clinic writes. Still, he says swallowing gum generally isn’t harmful.

When you’re drunk on gin, you get mean.

There are plenty of alcohol-related myths out there, and the idea that different alcohols have different effects on you is a big one. Some people claim wine makes them sleepy while whiskey makes them want to argue.

In short, experts say this is bunk. “Alcohol is alcohol whichever way you slice it,” pharmacologist Paul Clayton, a fellow of Oxford’s Institute of Food, Brain & Behaviour, told The Guardian.

So why do people insist that tequila makes them crazy?

One very strong possibility is that we experience the effects we expect when we drink (or consume most substances). Scientific research going back to the 1960s shows that we “learn” how to behave while drunk, and that our actual drunken behavior is a direct reflection of our expectations.

Although many people may become violent while intoxicated, people who have never associated drunkenness with conflict don’t show the same behavior. So by that same token, if we expect that vodka will make us want to sing karaoke, we can perhaps turn that into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

A juice cleanse will ‘detox’ you after an unhealthy eating binge.

The myth of the juice cleanse is a stubborn one — and one frequently promoted by celebrities — but it’s both wrong and unhealthy.

First of all, your body naturally removes harmful chemicals through the liver, kidneys, and gastrointestinal tract — there’s nothing about juice that will hurry that process along.

Secondly, juicing is mostly a way of removing helpful fiber from fruits and vegetables — many sugary fruit juices are as bad for you as sodas. You’re making the fruit less healthy by “juicing” it.

Everyone should drink eight glasses of water a day.

Hydration is very important, but the idea that eight glasses of water is essential is a strange one. 

In healthy people, researchers haven’t found a connection between fluid intake and kidney disease, heart disease, sodium levels, or skin quality.

People get a lot of their water from foods and other beverages in the first place, but there is a good reason to drink more water. It’s a calorie free alternative to other beverages (especially sugary ones), and people who drink water instead of those beverages consume fewer calories overall.

But in general, drink when you are thirsty — you don’t need to count the glasses.

It’s fine to eat something if it’s been on the floor for less than 5 seconds.

Flickr

It’s the worst when something you really wanted to eat falls on the floor. But if you grab it in five seconds, is it okay?

Sorry, but the five-second-rule isn’t a real thing. Bacteria can contaminate a food within milliseconds. Moist foods attract more bacteria than dry foods, but there’s no “safe duration.” Instead, safety depends on how clean the surface you dropped the food on is.

Whether you eat it or not after that is up to you, but if the people that walk on that floor are also walking around New York City, for example, we wouldn’t recommend it.

Vaccines can be risky.

This idea comes from a now thoroughly-debunked (and retracted) study of 12 children that appeared in 1998 in The Lancet and claimed there was a link between the MMR vaccine and autism. 

It turned out that study wasn’t only flawed, it also contained false information that was necessary to make its point.

Since then, numerous studies that have analyzed data from more than a million children have shown that there’s no connection between vaccines and autism.

But fears about that connection have persisted, partially spurred on by public figures making false claims about vaccines. This has led to scary diseases like measles coming back.

Yogurt will help put your digestive system back in order.

This is one of our modern health myths. Yogurt is frequently marketed as having benefits for digestion and as something that’ll keep people slim because of probiotics, or the “good bacteria” that’s living inside it.

Researchers have found that the bacteria in our bodies are very connected to our metabolism and obesity rates, among other things, so it seems like there’s a logical connection here.

But we don’t yet understand how the trillions of bacteria in our bodies work well enough to manipulate them in this way. Despite the fact that the probiotic business was worth $23.1 billion in 2012, we can’t make yogurt that will repair our inner bacterial balance.

That’s not to say that yogurt is unhealthy, just that its benefits are oversold. Plus, a lot of yogurt is packed with sugar, which we do know contributes to obesity and other problems — so if you enjoy yogurt, find a version that isn’t full of additional unnecessary calories or it might have the opposite of the intended effect.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Apples are good for you, packed with vitamin C and fiber, both of which are important to long-term health, but they aren’t all you need.

And if certain viruses or bacteria get into your system, an apple will unfortunately do nothing to protect you. So go ahead and get that flu shot, even if you eat apples.

Eating ice cream will make your cold worse.

roboppy/Flickr

If you’re home sick with a cold, you can totally go ahead and comfort yourself with some ice cream.

The idea that dairy increases mucus production is very fortunately not true, according to researchers and a doctor at the Mayo Clinic, who says “in fact, frozen dairy products can soothe a sore throat and provide calories when you otherwise may not eat.”

Praise be.

Cracking your knuckles will give you arthritis.

Fortunately, this isn’t true either.

Cracking your knuckles may annoy the people around you, but even people who have done it frequently for many years aren’t any more likely to develop arthritis than those who don’t.

Starve a fever, feed a cold.

There’s a good reason you may have heard this said multiple ways, either “starve a cold, feed a fever” or “starve a fever, feed a cold.”

Despite a slew of headlines claiming that starving a fever wasn’t a myth in response to a tiny and largely misinterpreted study in 2002, there’s no real evidence to back this up. Limiting your caloric consumption may actually hurt your immune system more than helping it, and it would certainly be a bad idea to not eat during the 6-8 day duration of a cold.

Instead, doctors say to go ahead and eat if you can. The more accurate expression, as Scientific American notes, would be “feed a cold, feed a fever.” And make sure to get plenty of fluids.

It’s fine to drink sports drinks to rehydrate.

We all know that soda and similarly sugary drinks like lemonade are bad for us (right?), but what about sports drinks like Gatorade or Powerade? Sports-focused advertising has successfully convinced a whole lot of people that downing a bottle of this stuff is fine, especially if you’ve gone for a jog recently — it’s replacing electrolytes, after all.

But really, for most people the amount of sugar in these drinks is far more than is needed — even if you’ve been exercising. Lower calorie options, which many of the same companies have created in recent years, are much better options. Or just drink water. 

Drinking water can help you avoid a sunburn.

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady loves hydration and has said that drinking water helps him avoid getting a sunburn.

There’s nothing wrong with hydration. But there’s no evidence whatsoever that being hydrated can prevent you from getting burned by ultraviolet radiation in any way. Only sunscreen or clothing will do that. Go ahead and drink enough water to quench your thirst. But if you’re going to be out in the sun for a while, don’t forget to cover up.

Coffee and beer dehydrate you, since caffeine and alcohol are diuretics.

In sufficient quantities, caffeine and alcohol can have a diuretic effect. But the amount of caffeine in a typical cup of coffee or alcohol in a beer isn’t enough to really have this effect, according to one recent study. A moderate amount of either coffee or beer hydrates people just about as well as water does. 

Milk does a body good (and protects your bones)!

Guy Montag/Flickr

This is an incredibly successful bit of advertising that has wormed its way into our brains and policies — the US Department of Agriculture tells us that adults should drink three cups of milk a day, mostly for calcium and vitamin D.

However, multiple studies show that there isn’t an association between drinking more milk (or taking calcium and vitamin D supplements) and having fewer fractures. 

Milk is fine, but it’s not a magical health drink. Surprisingly, however, milk is particularly hydrating — similar to pedialyte, both even more hydrating than water.

You shouldn’t eat too many eggs, since it’ll raise your cholesterol.

Eggs have lots of cholesterol in them. For most of us, that’s not an issue, since a growing body of research shows that dietary cholesterol (from foods you eat) doesn’t really have much of an effect on blood cholesterol in the vast majority of people.

Thank goodness.

Eating fat will make you fat.

The tide has started to swing back the other way on this one, but recommendations for low-fat foods remain common. 

The decision to demonize fat for its caloric density and heart-clogging effects was largely the result of shady science influenced by a sugar trade group. It turns out that the society-wide decision to cut saturated fat from diets led to increased consumption of sugar and processed trans fats, all of which were most likely less healthy overall.

We need a moderate amount of fat — especially healthy fat — in our diets. 

Read the original article on Busines Insiderer. Follow us on Facebook and Twitter. Copyright 2018.

Read next on Business Insider: 10 delicious and healthy dairy-free milk alternatives to try — whether or not you’re lactose intolerant

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/25-health-facts-that-are-totally-wrong/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/173437695877

[allofbeercom]

25 Health “Facts” That Are Totally Wrong

There are some health “facts” that many people have heard so many times that they just assume they are true, ideas like “juice is healthy” or “gum will stay in your stomach for years.

But many of these “facts” are really myths about health.

Here’s what the science really says about these health myths.

There’s something about health and nutrition folk wisdom that’s resistant to truth.

Common health “facts” include the ideas that MSG will make you sick, that a juice detox is just what you need after a week of indulgence, and that sports drinks like Gatorade are totally fine since you need the electrolytes.

None of these things are true. They, like many other folk sayings and tips, fall into the category of health myths that are totally — or at least mostly — wrong. 

Here’s the truth behind some of those health claims you’ve heard all your life, but might not hold water at all.

MSG in Chinese food will make you sick.

Will Wei, Business Insider

The myth that MSG is bad for you comes from a letter a doctor wrote to the New England Journal of Medicine in 1968, where he coined the term “Chinese restaurant syndrome” to describe a variety of symptoms including numbness and general weakness.

But though the doctor blamed these feelings on monosodium glutamate, MSG, the research doesn’t back it up. The scientific consensus according the American Chemical Society is that “MSG can temporarily affect a select few when consumed in huge quantities on an empty stomach, but it’s perfectly safe for the vast majority of people.“

And this makes sense — MSG is nothing more than a common amino acid with a sodium atom added. The placebo effect is more than strong enough to account for the negative effects sometimes associated with MSG.

Coffee stunts your growth.

There isn’t a whole lot of evidence on this, but most research finds no correlation between caffeine consumption and bone growth in kids. 

In adults, researchers have seen that increased caffeine consumption can very slightly limit calcium absorption, but the impact is so small that a tablespoon of milk will more than adequately offset the effects of a cup of coffee. 

Interestingly, advertising seems to be largely responsible for this myth. A breakfast cereal manufacturer named C.W. Post was trying to market a morning beverage called “Postum” as an alternative to coffee, so he ran ads on the “evils” of Americans’ favorite hot beverage, calling it a “nerve poison” that should never be served to children.

Bundle up or you’ll catch a cold.

Being physically cold isn’t what gets you sick; exposure to a cold virus does. There’s no evidence that going outside with wet hair when it’s freezing will make you sick by itself — provided you avoid hypothermia.

But there are some scientifically sound explanations for why people catch more colds in winter. Because we spend more time in close quarters indoors, it is more likely that we’ll cross paths with a cold-causing virus spread from another person during the winter. And for several reasons, we may have a harder time fighting off cold and flu virus particles in winter.

But being cold itself isn’t what makes sick, and some argue that cold exposure can actually improve your health.

The chemical tryptophan in turkey makes you sleepy.

Another Pint Please…/Flickr

Who doesn’t love the post-Thanksgiving nap? We frequently consider those naps inevitable, since turkey contains tryptophan, an amino acid that is a component of some of the brain chemicals that help you relax.

But plenty of foods contain tryptophan. Cheddar cheese has even more than turkey — and cheddar is never pointed out as a sleep inducing food. Experts say that instead, the carbs, alcohol, and general size of the Turkey-day feast are the cause of those delicious holiday siestas. 

Taking your vitamins will keep you healthy.

Vitamins sound like a great idea. One pill that can provide you everything you need to be healthy!

If only they worked. After decades of research on vitamins, most reviews don’t find any justification for our multivitamin habit, and in some cases, vitamins have actually been associated with an increased risk of various cancers. Malnourished people might benefit from some supplements, but most of us should just get our vitamins naturally from food.

Beer before liquor, never sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.

We’re all heard it: “beer before liquor, never sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”

But while it’s very true that overdoing it with booze might leave you praying to the porcelain gods, there’s no need to place the blame on the order you consume the beverages in — alcohol is alcohol, and too much of it will make anyone feel sick.

However, there are some strange ways this piece of advice can make sense. People who switch from beer to mixed drinks (with senses and judgment already dulled) may be less likely likely to monitor their alcohol consumption and thus drink more.

And some research shows that your body metabolizes mixed drinks faster than higher-concentration alcohol (a shot of whiskey, say). So adding liquor to a stomach-full of beer could, in theory, create a sort of mixed drink that would metabolize faster than one or the other on its own.

We’ll call this one partly true, but chalk up the “never sicker” part mostly to bad decision making.

You lose 90% of your body heat through your head.

Flickr/hounombrellonelculo

Not necessarily. You lose body heat through anything uncovered, according to Dr. Aaron E. Carroll and Dr. Rachel C. Vreeman, authors of “Don’t Swallow Your Gum!: Myths, Half-Truths, and Outright Lies About Your Body and Health.”

Your head is not special in that way — it’s just more likely to be exposed.

“Most of the time when we’re outside in the cold, we’re clothed,” Richard Ingebretsen, MD, PhD, told WebMD Magazine. “If you don’t have a hat on, you lose heat through your head, just as you would lose heat through your legs if you were wearing shorts.”

Wait an hour after eating to swim or you’ll drown.

Some parents say no swimming for 30 minutes after eating, some say an hour, but many of us may remember waiting out the clock before returning to the pool or beach. The theory behind this seems to be that digesting food will draw blood to your stomach, meaning that less blood is available for your muscles, making them more likely to cramp.

But there’s no evidence to support this claim. In fact, many sources say there are no documented cases of anyone ever drowning because they’ve had a cramp related to swimming with a full stomach.

Cramps do happen frequently when swimming, but they aren’t caused by what’s in your stomach. If you do get one, the best policy is to float for a minute and let it pass.

It takes 7 years for gum to digest if you swallow it.

When it got out that Trump press secretary Sean Spicer chews and swallows two and a half packs of chewing gum by noon every day, many people had the same question: Couldn’t that maybe do some harm?

Probably not. Gum is mostly indigestible, meaning that it usually passes through your intestines and exits the other side, like most of what your body doesn’t need and can’t digest.

“On rare occasions, large amounts of swallowed gum combined with constipation have blocked intestines in children,” Dr. Michael Picco of the Mayo Clinic writes. Still, he says swallowing gum generally isn’t harmful.

When you’re drunk on gin, you get mean.

There are plenty of alcohol-related myths out there, and the idea that different alcohols have different effects on you is a big one. Some people claim wine makes them sleepy while whiskey makes them want to argue.

In short, experts say this is bunk. “Alcohol is alcohol whichever way you slice it,” pharmacologist Paul Clayton, a fellow of Oxford’s Institute of Food, Brain & Behaviour, told The Guardian.

So why do people insist that tequila makes them crazy?

One very strong possibility is that we experience the effects we expect when we drink (or consume most substances). Scientific research going back to the 1960s shows that we “learn” how to behave while drunk, and that our actual drunken behavior is a direct reflection of our expectations.

Although many people may become violent while intoxicated, people who have never associated drunkenness with conflict don’t show the same behavior. So by that same token, if we expect that vodka will make us want to sing karaoke, we can perhaps turn that into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

A juice cleanse will ‘detox’ you after an unhealthy eating binge.

The myth of the juice cleanse is a stubborn one — and one frequently promoted by celebrities — but it’s both wrong and unhealthy.

First of all, your body naturally removes harmful chemicals through the liver, kidneys, and gastrointestinal tract — there’s nothing about juice that will hurry that process along.

Secondly, juicing is mostly a way of removing helpful fiber from fruits and vegetables — many sugary fruit juices are as bad for you as sodas. You’re making the fruit less healthy by “juicing” it.

Everyone should drink eight glasses of water a day.

Hydration is very important, but the idea that eight glasses of water is essential is a strange one. 

In healthy people, researchers haven’t found a connection between fluid intake and kidney disease, heart disease, sodium levels, or skin quality.

People get a lot of their water from foods and other beverages in the first place, but there is a good reason to drink more water. It’s a calorie free alternative to other beverages (especially sugary ones), and people who drink water instead of those beverages consume fewer calories overall.

But in general, drink when you are thirsty — you don’t need to count the glasses.

It’s fine to eat something if it’s been on the floor for less than 5 seconds.

Flickr

It’s the worst when something you really wanted to eat falls on the floor. But if you grab it in five seconds, is it okay?

Sorry, but the five-second-rule isn’t a real thing. Bacteria can contaminate a food within milliseconds. Moist foods attract more bacteria than dry foods, but there’s no “safe duration.” Instead, safety depends on how clean the surface you dropped the food on is.

Whether you eat it or not after that is up to you, but if the people that walk on that floor are also walking around New York City, for example, we wouldn’t recommend it.

Vaccines can be risky.

This idea comes from a now thoroughly-debunked (and retracted) study of 12 children that appeared in 1998 in The Lancet and claimed there was a link between the MMR vaccine and autism. 

It turned out that study wasn’t only flawed, it also contained false information that was necessary to make its point.

Since then, numerous studies that have analyzed data from more than a million children have shown that there’s no connection between vaccines and autism.

But fears about that connection have persisted, partially spurred on by public figures making false claims about vaccines. This has led to scary diseases like measles coming back.

Yogurt will help put your digestive system back in order.

This is one of our modern health myths. Yogurt is frequently marketed as having benefits for digestion and as something that’ll keep people slim because of probiotics, or the “good bacteria” that’s living inside it.

Researchers have found that the bacteria in our bodies are very connected to our metabolism and obesity rates, among other things, so it seems like there’s a logical connection here.

But we don’t yet understand how the trillions of bacteria in our bodies work well enough to manipulate them in this way. Despite the fact that the probiotic business was worth $23.1 billion in 2012, we can’t make yogurt that will repair our inner bacterial balance.

That’s not to say that yogurt is unhealthy, just that its benefits are oversold. Plus, a lot of yogurt is packed with sugar, which we do know contributes to obesity and other problems — so if you enjoy yogurt, find a version that isn’t full of additional unnecessary calories or it might have the opposite of the intended effect.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Apples are good for you, packed with vitamin C and fiber, both of which are important to long-term health, but they aren’t all you need.

And if certain viruses or bacteria get into your system, an apple will unfortunately do nothing to protect you. So go ahead and get that flu shot, even if you eat apples.

Eating ice cream will make your cold worse.

roboppy/Flickr

If you’re home sick with a cold, you can totally go ahead and comfort yourself with some ice cream.

The idea that dairy increases mucus production is very fortunately not true, according to researchers and a doctor at the Mayo Clinic, who says “in fact, frozen dairy products can soothe a sore throat and provide calories when you otherwise may not eat.”

Praise be.

Cracking your knuckles will give you arthritis.

Fortunately, this isn’t true either.

Cracking your knuckles may annoy the people around you, but even people who have done it frequently for many years aren’t any more likely to develop arthritis than those who don’t.

Starve a fever, feed a cold.

There’s a good reason you may have heard this said multiple ways, either “starve a cold, feed a fever” or “starve a fever, feed a cold.”

Despite a slew of headlines claiming that starving a fever wasn’t a myth in response to a tiny and largely misinterpreted study in 2002, there’s no real evidence to back this up. Limiting your caloric consumption may actually hurt your immune system more than helping it, and it would certainly be a bad idea to not eat during the 6-8 day duration of a cold.

Instead, doctors say to go ahead and eat if you can. The more accurate expression, as Scientific American notes, would be “feed a cold, feed a fever.” And make sure to get plenty of fluids.

It’s fine to drink sports drinks to rehydrate.

We all know that soda and similarly sugary drinks like lemonade are bad for us (right?), but what about sports drinks like Gatorade or Powerade? Sports-focused advertising has successfully convinced a whole lot of people that downing a bottle of this stuff is fine, especially if you’ve gone for a jog recently — it’s replacing electrolytes, after all.

But really, for most people the amount of sugar in these drinks is far more than is needed — even if you’ve been exercising. Lower calorie options, which many of the same companies have created in recent years, are much better options. Or just drink water. 

Drinking water can help you avoid a sunburn.

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady loves hydration and has said that drinking water helps him avoid getting a sunburn.

There’s nothing wrong with hydration. But there’s no evidence whatsoever that being hydrated can prevent you from getting burned by ultraviolet radiation in any way. Only sunscreen or clothing will do that. Go ahead and drink enough water to quench your thirst. But if you’re going to be out in the sun for a while, don’t forget to cover up.

Coffee and beer dehydrate you, since caffeine and alcohol are diuretics.

In sufficient quantities, caffeine and alcohol can have a diuretic effect. But the amount of caffeine in a typical cup of coffee or alcohol in a beer isn’t enough to really have this effect, according to one recent study. A moderate amount of either coffee or beer hydrates people just about as well as water does. 

Milk does a body good (and protects your bones)!

Guy Montag/Flickr

This is an incredibly successful bit of advertising that has wormed its way into our brains and policies — the US Department of Agriculture tells us that adults should drink three cups of milk a day, mostly for calcium and vitamin D.

However, multiple studies show that there isn’t an association between drinking more milk (or taking calcium and vitamin D supplements) and having fewer fractures. 

Milk is fine, but it’s not a magical health drink. Surprisingly, however, milk is particularly hydrating — similar to pedialyte, both even more hydrating than water.

You shouldn’t eat too many eggs, since it’ll raise your cholesterol.

Eggs have lots of cholesterol in them. For most of us, that’s not an issue, since a growing body of research shows that dietary cholesterol (from foods you eat) doesn’t really have much of an effect on blood cholesterol in the vast majority of people.

Thank goodness.

Eating fat will make you fat.

The tide has started to swing back the other way on this one, but recommendations for low-fat foods remain common. 

The decision to demonize fat for its caloric density and heart-clogging effects was largely the result of shady science influenced by a sugar trade group. It turns out that the society-wide decision to cut saturated fat from diets led to increased consumption of sugar and processed trans fats, all of which were most likely less healthy overall.

We need a moderate amount of fat — especially healthy fat — in our diets. 

Read the original article on Busines Insiderer. Follow us on Facebook and Twitter. Copyright 2018.

Read next on Business Insider: 10 delicious and healthy dairy-free milk alternatives to try — whether or not you’re lactose intolerant

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/25-health-facts-that-are-totally-wrong/

[mst3kproject]

407: The Killer Shrews

Whatever else one might say about The Killer Shrews, it is a huge step up from The Giant Gila Monster in at least one respect – it is actually about the titular monsters, and those monsters actually interact with the human characters! So far, so good.  Then we get to the monsters themselves, and... oh, dear.  This movie wouldn't quite be better without the shrews in the way that last week's feature would without the lizard, but they're still a very significant problem for what would otherwise be a serviceable film.

A small boat arrives at a remote island off the coast of wherever this is (the opening narration suggests the Pacific Northwest). Captain Sherman and his redshirt buddy are there to deliver supplies to a scientific outpost, but plan to stay overnight in order to ride out an approaching hurricane (meaning it can't possibly be the Pacific Northwest).  This is treated as bad news by Mad Scientist Dr. Marlowe Cragis and his assistant and daughter Anne.  After some beating around the bush as night closes in, Cragis confesses that he has created a species of giant, nocturnal, venomous, man-eating rodent.  With supplies running low, the group must make a break for the boat in the morning – if only they can first survive the night!

At its barest and boniest this is the plot of Alien, The Thing, Friday the Thirteenth, The Green Slime, and god knows how many other movies: a small group of people are stranded in the middle of nowhere with something that wants to kill them.  They're picked off one by one, usually ethnic stereotypes first, until the last desperate survivors must destroy their foe and get to the choppah for rescue. Although there are some very good movies with this premise, there are also some thoroughly terrible ones.  The Killer Shrews is pretty mediocre, but does its best with the material and sometimes comes surprisingly close to success.

In the average 'trapped with a monster' movie, the characters are either completely dull or utterly detestable – the latter option usually makes for a more entertaining film, since we can at least take some vindictive joy in watching these assholes get killed.  The Killer Shrews has its share of nobodies: Griswold the first mate and Mario the janitor are the aforementioned ethnic stereotypes, who are in the movie so it can put off the deaths of the white people.  Uber-nerd Bradford feels like he ought to be a joke but never gets a punchline. He dies pretty quickly, too.

The rest of the dramatis personae, however, have a little more meat on their metaphorical bones: Dr. Cragis is fascinated by the shrews' single-minded and ruthless survival instincts, admiring their effectiveness even as they threaten his life.  Anne is as consumed by guilt over her own role in creating the monsters as she is by her fear of them.  Her crush on Sherman and semi-frantic attempts to endear herself to him seem to have more to do with the fact that he represents a chance of escape than with any real attraction.  Jerry's determination to finish the experiments, in spite of his cowardice, stems from a desperate need to atone for his past mistakes.  Captain Sherman is supposed to be our hero, but there's a point when the others nearly have to physically intervene to stop him from throwing Jerry to the shrews.  Everybody in this film has been pushed to the edge of sanity.

So what keeps it from being effective?  There's a few things.  One is the acting – Ingrid Goude as Anne and Baruch Lumet as Dr. Craigis are pretty good, but the other major players tend to be too low-key to really be convincing.  The one exception is Ken Curtis as Jerry, who overplays everything just that crucial tiny bit. Whether drunk, paranoid, or hysterical, he tends to end up sounding like he's in a high school play.

As with The Giant Gila Monster, we begin with a voiceover that provides us with a completely different origin for the monsters than the actual story will do.  Here the narrator tells us that this is a new species, which first appeared in Alaska before moving south into Canada.  The subsequent movie, however, informs us that the shrews were the product of mad science (and for once there’s an actual justification for the experiments besides ‘let’s see if we can create a monster’. Cragis was studying the relationship between size and metabolism).  Seeing as one of the characters claims to have created the shrews himself, I'm going to go with his version rather than Mr. Voiceover's, but it does make me think the opening narrations wern't originally part of either movie.

There's too much exposition.  The script spends a very long time emphasizing the voraciousness of the shrews through dialogue, and while this does also establish a certain amount of character, it would have been far more effective to show us the small shrews ravenous' appetites.  Our imaginations could then have done the job of scaling it up – the idea of being gnawed to death by rats is truly horrifying, and being gnawed by giant rats would hardly be less so.  Having typed that, however, I realized that doing this in 1959 for this particular movie would probably have involved forcing a couple of cute mice to fight to the death, as many times as necessary to get the shot right.  So on second thought, never mind.

The music is unsubtle but it works all right.  Same with the direction, which is actually another marked step up from The Giant Gila Monster.  For the most part Kellogg still just points the camera at what's happening and films, but at least people move around within some of the shots and display body language rather than just putting a leg up on the nearest ledge.

We get no real impression of the hurricane itself besides hearing the howling wind – I don't think there's a single shot in which we are in any way aware of rain.  Just the sound of it hammering on the roof would have done wonders for the feeling of claustrophobia the movie is trying to create.

I think you know what I'm working up to here, though.  While there's a lot of minor adjustments that could have been made to help The Killer Shrews, the main problem is the actual shrews.  They're among the least-convincing monsters in film history.  Trailer Club 70 included them in its bottom five, along with the jellyfish man from Sting of Death and the turkey-headed vampire from Blood Freak.

How do you depict a giant rodent in a movie?  Well, if you're Rob Reiner, you throw a big latex puppet at Carey Elwes.  If you're Bert I. Gordon, you film actual rats in extreme close-up and pretend they match your amusingly adorable fake rat heads.  If you're Bruno Mattei, you put rat masks on your actors and leave the audience wondering what the fuck they're watching (god, I've seen way too many movies). And if you're Ray Kellogg, you shave a bunch of dogs and hope we won't notice.

Well, okay, that's not fair: not every shrew in the movie is a shaved dog.  Some of them are dogs with ratty-looking fake fur draped over them.  Others are puppet heads with long 'fangs' that look like a third-grader's attempt at a saber-toothed tiger prop for a home-made caveman movie.  All of them are tragically cheap and completely unconvincing.  The heads are immobile, so in the shots where a shrew is supposed to be biting somebody, all we see is the puppet's nose being rubbed against a pre-bloodied trouser leg. In another scene a 'shrew' enters the room, and is not only obviously a dog, it's a dog that's happy to see you!  I have never seen a shot so entirely ruined by ordinary canine body language (though bits of Teenage Caveman come damn close).

Considering the sorts of things I tend to talk about on this blog, you're probably wondering why I haven't said anything yet about Anne's decision to give up science and become a housewife. Truth is, that's just not high on the list of things that suck remarkably about The Killer Shrews.  I mean, yeah, it's definitely sexist, but it's handled so much better here than the comparable development in Rocketship XM that I have kind of a hard time being angry about it.  Dr. Van Hoorne supposedly came to realize that the men were right and she was wrong, despite all narrative evidence to the contrary.  Anne Cragis' retirement is her choice, not imposed upon her by the male characters, and emerges organically from her own story.

The men in Rocketship XM asked Dr. Van Hoorne why cooking and cleaning and changing diapers isn't enough for her.  In The Killer Shrews, Sherman asks Anne whether she's a scientist in the obvious expectation of a 'yes', and listens sympathetically while she talks about it.  When she states her choice to retire and lead a 'normal' life, he is supportive of this without placing a value judgment on it.  The fact that Anne is the only woman in the film makes it very difficult not to see her as the writer's stand-in for all women everywhere, but there is at least no explicit statement that science is no place for women.  It's a low bar, but hey.

Remember Terror from the Year 5000, in which a woman promptly abandoned her fiance when the hero appeared on the scene? This happens in The Killer Shrews as well, but again, it's less annoying here.  Unlike Claire and Bob, Anne and Sherman actually get to know each other a little over the course of the story.  Her engagement with Jerry is already ended, for completely understandable reasons, and Sherman represents both her potential escape from the island and a person who listens to her respectfully rather than trying to impose his own will.  It's still a useless romantic subplot that exists to add artificial drama, but we have reasons why these characters behave as they do and it feels more like part of the same story rather than a distraction from it.

All things considered, I'm left with the impression that if writer Jay Simms and director Ray Kellogg had wanted to make movies that did not have giant mutant animals in them and had been given a bit of money to do so, they probably could have done a pretty good job.  The two movies they did make are a long way from masterpieces, but there are some surprisingly good things in them for those who care to stop riffing and look.