#in which case i am thinking i will be taking saturdays off every week going forward

[digirainebow]

GUYS i completely forgot i will have to drive like halfway across LA to see a movie tonight so i think i will have to postpone stream #agony #pain #ache #suffering

[verinarin]

𝙃𝙞𝙨 𝙢𝙚𝙖𝙨𝙪𝙧𝙚𝙢𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙨; 𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙫𝙞𝙚𝙬

in which he lets her measure his body for a new set suit for him, riddling him with her innocent touches; his view meaning the fic is written in his point of view

fluff with a lot of tension, like drenched with it. Gallagher lowkey being obsessive and loves to tease and spoil his little lady; 2K words!!

It’s Saturday.

She said she wouldn’t be home until later tonight, so I’m alone for the rest of the day. I’ve been sharing my roof with her for around 3 months now. Funny, I seem to forget how quiet this place is without her. At this hour she would be on the couch with the television on, her favorite shows would air around this time.

Am I being a creep for knowing her daily schedule like this?

Hope not, I mean that brat has been stickin’ beside me ever since day one.

Ah shit, it’s supposed to be the other around. She’s my secretary, but here I am acting like I’m some sort of personal assistant of hers, ah that little minx had me all wrapped around her pretty little manicured fingers huh?

Can’t complain though, not when she does her job perfectly.

It’s just that I rarely wanted her to work, to begin with. Her day consists of following me around like an assistant yet she treats me like I’m her assistant instead. Ahahaha I ain’t setting up a good example as her boss, but then again no one could blame me.

I mean with those fucking doe eyes and pouty lips, she’s the type of woman people wrote on their poetry. At this point, It’s clear as day that I miss that little brat. Y’know I’ll just take a quick shower before she comes home, I don’t want her to drag me to the bathroom again like yesterday.

Stepping into the shower made me realize that every single thing here smells like her. Her vanilla-scented shampoo bottle sits next to mine, her body scrubs, her soap. Damn, I never realized how much product she used, no wonder she cooped up in her for a good hour or more, being a pretty lady like her looks like hard work, perhaps harder than my line of work.

She smells like heaven afterward though, so I won’t complain.

Never mind, I would actually complain about one thing.

The fact that her scent drives me crazy sometimes, not to mention the fact that while working she often clings to me like a second skin. The amount of questions I get asking about why my clothes smell like vanilla and roses is crazy. The other hounds, hell even Siobhan tease me for smelling like a lady.

Well, as long as I don’t reek of smoke and alcohol like I used to I guess it’s a good change. As the cold water rinses through my body, I start to worry about her. She’s an adult, she would be fine traveling around Penacony, but why am I worried about her like I’m her old man? Probably because she didn’t tell me where she was going, this girl goes on a shopping spree almost every week and the one thing she never forgets to bring is her walking ATM, which is me.

Should I go look for her?

Nah, she must’ve needed some time alone. She’s probably sick of an old geezer like me, all I could entertain her with is my crappy dad jokes and a little mixology classes here and there. She seems to like my cringe dad jokes though weirdly enough and she also learns quickly on mixing beverages.

Once I finished rinsing my worries away, I put on a pair of sweatpants. I sigh as I brush my damp hair back remembering that I forgot to bring my shirt inside, my age is starting to catch up on me. Oh well, it’s not like she’s coming home soon. I let out a small chuckle as I looped the small towel I used for my hair around my neck.

The mirror in front of me reflects my rugged face, my fingertips graze upon my stubble feeling the sharp little hairs protruding from my cheek. I’ve been thinking of shaving it clean off for a while, but I remember her weird fondness for my stubble. That girl loves rubbing the back of her hand across my face like I’m some sort of a dog, which in this case relates to my line of work funnily enough.

I figured I’d let it be for now, can’t have her whine about my appearance now like she did last month when I talked to her about cutting my hair short. Her argument was if I did cut my hair she wouldn't be able to play with it anymore, such a silly girl that one.

I should fix myself a cup of coffee before cleaning around the house, it ain’t like I have anything better to do other than waiting for her like a lost puppy. I let out a hefty yawn as I walked towards the kitchen. It's easier for me to find things these days since she arranges it in a specific way. Before her, it took me around 5 minutes to search for the coffee bean, but now I can see the labeled jar from far away.

I couldn't help but let my lips curve into a small smile as I twisted the jar open, the charming scent of the coffee beans she picked emanated through the air, that little lady has good taste I must admit. Heh, she must’ve learned it from me. She used to be a tea gal before she met me, but now it seems she quite enjoys a little more caffeine here and there.

Can’t help to let out a small smirk as I brew myself a cup of coffee. She utterly consumes me at this point, every single damn thing reminds me of her it ain’t funny. I never thought I could still feel this giddy like a teenage kid at my current age, but then again she had always said that I still have my child-like wonder.

I rest my body against the counter, the cold marble hits my bare waist making me wince at the sudden temperature difference. After this, I’ll do laundry and then afterward I should start preparing for dinner.

As I lost myself in my thoughts I could hear the sound of a key twisting inside the keyhole, ah she’s home. “I’m back. Miss me, old man?” she muses as she turns her head towards me.

“Nah, I’m starting to miss my short-lived tranquility though,” I smile, pressing the rim of my glass against my lips to hide my smirk. She on the other hand has her eyes wide open, her mouth wide agape.

She stares at me a little too long before I finally break the silence between us, “Why'd ya look at me that way kid ?” I ask as I gaze toward her small face, analyzing her expression.

“You’re practically half naked, but wait that’s good actually,” shit, I forgot about that. She starts to walk towards me with a nasty smile, oh she’s scheming something alright.

“What? why is it a good thing? you've never seen a man’s body before ?” I snicker, masking away my flustered interior.

“Oh because I could clearly measure it now,” she smiles. Now hold on, measure what ??!!! The seemingly ambiguous sentence drives my mind toward possibilities that would definitely put me behind bars.

“Measure what huh ?” I let out a small chuckle, I put my cup down and leaned towards her eye level.

“You definitely won’t fit a size XL,” she sighs. Well ouch! cut me some slack little lady. I might be slacking off on my training, but I’m still in good shape. “What a way to break this old man’s heart you little brat, fyi I’ll definitely fit a size L,”

“Said that to your shirt. The poor thing needed its button to be stitched back up yesterday,” okay maybe she’s right but it still stings, my lips curve downward as I look at her, she’s out here breaking my heart to pieces.

“I’m not saying you’re putting on weight, what I’m saying is I want to measure your measurements so that I can buy you something custom-made,” she caresses my chest as her eyes lock towards mine.

I could feel my heartbeat drumming against my eardrum as her touch burned against my skin, marking it as hers. Fuck, feels so fucking good to feel her touch. Is it greedy for me to want more of her?

Her pink ‘nd soft lips curve into this delicate smile.

Fuck, she looks so pretty like that.

“Oh, what’s the occasion for dressing up this old hound ?” I smile as I lean forward to close the gap between us, trying to take control of my not-so-innocent thoughts about her lips.

I can’t recall anything worth celebrating between us, maybe the fact that I’m cutting down on smoking, but that’ll be worth something when I fully ditch it.

She merely chuckles before lightly hitting my chest like I’m telling her a funny joke, “You are an old man after all, how can you forget that three months from now is going to be the annual family?”

Ah right….

I was never the person who enjoyed those fancy parties, but hey I have her by my side so maybe I might change my stance.

“Those types of events were never my thing,” I avert my gaze, my finger drums against my nape.

“Well those types of events are my thing, so you’ll come right?” I mean with those puppy eyes, of course I’ll come.

“Fine, I guess this year’s gala could be bearable with you by my side,” I could only sigh as I stroked her hair, truly she dictates the same way as an old friend of mine.

With a smile that rivals the sun curving on her lips, she pulls out a measuring tape from her purse. Ah, so this is the ‘measuring’ part she talked about.

“Since when you’re a tailor,” I snicker as her fingers trace the long tape to find the zero mark.

“Oww hush, you’ll be the first person I’ll measure so be kind,” she mutters as she unravels the tape, “Alright lady,”

She leans closer to me as her finger holds one side of the tape beside my bare ribcage, “Stay still,” she mumbles, easier said than done.

How can I stand still when her fingertips press against my skin? It’s my damn Achilles heel. She’s too close, way too close. I don’t know how to act nor what to think when she’s soo damn close to me, the air feels stuffy and the atmosphere feels way too intimate and somehow sexual?

Kill me now.

She almost has her small face pressing against my chest, my bare chest to be exact which made this seemingly harmless interaction so dangerous.

Her other hand still struggles to find the tape behind my back. “Your chest is too broad,” she complains, I just let out a snicker at her statement which made her lose her focus.

“M’sorry anything I could do to help ?” I couldn’t do anything though, I could only extend my arms to the side to let her in, closer to me.

“Just stay still,” she huffs. Alright then, I’m cool as a cucumber. Without any warning, her cheek presses against my chest as she hugs me.

The warmth of her skin seeps through my cold chest, now this warmth burns inside me. “Ah! This works,” well I’m happy for her but there’s practically no distance between us, not even an inch.

“Stay still ol’ hound,” I must’ve been moving too much. I look down at her, her fingers skillfully bring the other side of the tape in front of my chest.

Now her forehead rests against my chest as she struggles to read the number that transpires, “Uhhh how do I read this again ?” she huffs.

“Can’t read a simple measurement now ?” my hand finds its way back toward her head, brushing a loose strand back behind her ear.

“Don’t tease,” well of course I’m going to tease as if I’m not the one who's secretly flustered as hell.

“Alright got it, now I’m going to drag this down to your waist,” she smiles as she drags both of her hands down and tightens the tape around my waist.

I never thought of myself to be a squeamish person, but I am now. “Oh wow, your chest and waist ratio are quite something….”

“What d’ya mean by that ?” I ask as she looks up towards me, “Your waist is quite slim and also your shoulders are broad so you do have that hourglass silhouette…” she muses to herself.

Well, ain’t that interesting…..

“Oh yeah your shoulders and back !” she naps herself back from her trance, cute.

With that, she took a couple of minutes to measure my upper body to the best of her abilities. Albeit the fact that I need to crouch down a bit for her to be able to measure my shoulders and back.

She takes a couple of steps back with newfound determination exuding her. I guess it’s from the fact that she’s getting the hand of measuring me.

“Are we done now ?” I ask, rather impatiently. Her fingers still linger in any direction she wants. Mapping every single inch of me into her memory.

“Still a long way to go,” she huffs. I see that she wants me to be as still as a mannequin, the things I do for her…

She hums a familiar tune, a song I like to hum. She crouches down bringing the tape around my hips, then she circles back in front of me, “Pardon my intrusion,”

Well the sentiment is rather too late now, she had been breaching my personal space since the very beginning. She couldn’t help but rest her forehead against my lower stomach as she looked down, reading the tape.

“Take your time, s’not like I could go anywhere,” I sigh as I stroke her hair, letting her silky smooth locks stream through my fingers. “I thank you for your coordination,” she snickers as she looks up at me, pretty little thing she is.

So stinkin’ cute. I smile as I cup her cheeks, letting my thumb graze against his lower lip, “Anytime, Lady,” I reply, before casually folding my arms back against each other.

Why the fuck did I just do that?

“I’m going to go lower now, I need to get some measurements for your pants,” she continued her current action without any signs of discomfort, thank god. “Oh wow even a pair of pants, you spoil this ol’ hound too much,” I feel as though my chest cavities were filled with cotton, making my heart all warm and soft.

“We both know you spoiled me rotten, Gallagher,” she cuts me, the tape now encircling around my thighs.

“Have I now?” Honestly, she deserves more than I could afford.

“You have you silly hound. Now let me repay your kindness,” her face now rests against my thighs as the tape travels slightly lower.

“Heh is this your way into getting to my pockets again,” I snicker, knowing that it’s one of her best manipulation tactics. Acting all cute and then stealing my money.

“Hey! I’m spending my own paycheck on this mister,” she protests as she stands up. “Oh, she’s a big girl now. She doesn’t need my money anymore right ?”

“Well technically no,” she looks away to the side, biting her lips in annoyance.

“She doesn’t need my money, but I’ll give it to her anyway because she has me wrapped around her little fingers,” I cup her cheeks, guiding her face to see me. “Cuz she’s my lil lady,” I smile as I press our forehead together, I can feel a thin imaginary veil between us.

“Of course I am and you’re my old hound,” she wraps her arms around my neck as my hand rests on her waist.

The thin barrier that puts a blur in our relationship, but somehow it just feels right, whatever we are it’s perfect. I don’t need more or less, just her warmth against mine.

[keelt9]

Chapter 1

Hide And Run 

Masterlist

“Ghost rider 1, ghost rider 1.” No matter how hard I tried still my hands seemed to hold a fucking popsicle slipping between them, it supposed I know what to do, but with the sounds inside of the plane combine with the bellowed voice of Riley make all my actions a complet mess. 

“Y/N! EJECT.” 

“Miss? Are you alright?” The taxi driver asks me as he moves my arm, I open my eyes and realize we are parking in front of my parents house; 19 months and the same nightmare come from time to time.

“Sorry, I’m ok, thanks…” I opened the door not before paying the 15 dollars from the airport to home. I walk through the little garden which my mom built along all these years. She starts it like some kind of stress reliever. She says every deployment or mission from me or my father it’s a new plant in the garden; in my father's case only he and God knows how many missions he had and for me 17 seems a nice number.

“My little butterfly.” My mom said, hugging me in the main door and dad appeared behind her. 

“Sky.” The short name for <Skyhook> I get that call sign in the navy, when she splits away, she puts her hand on my cheek, and I smile with my lips pressed. 

“It’s nice to have you here.” She says and pulls me inside of the house.

As the rest of the day passed without any uncomfortable talks or strange looks, until we finished the dinner and dad and I were doing the dishes. 

“Maybe it is too soon.” The last month was the hardest since the accident and my dad knows that better than anyone; I left the plate in the cabinet, holding it a little bit more than normal. 

“Someone returns in less than a month.” I stop but I force myself to continue. “It’s just a simple test, dad, let’s be honest, with the background I have, maybe I'll fail.” He grabs me by the shoulders and looks straight to my eyes. 

“Y/N think it a little bit more, ok? Just a couple of weeks more.” I take a deep breath, and nod with my head, honestly that idea has been surrounding my head since the big week was scheduled.

-

3:46 hours and counting, is the time my watch the same I’ve been pushing my legs to the limit, but my mind is working at 100 per hour, tomorrow my first test begins, the navy just gave me a one more week, quote <We need you in the air, not in the ground.> I shake my head and continue running.

I was so immersed in my own thoughts when the F-18 dived off along with a little scream for the kids in the park that made my heart stop and flashbacks straight like gunshots in my mind. 

“Mayday!” My fast breathing, the drops of sweat on my face. “I can’t stabilize…” My hands trying to hold the control, the sounds of the overworking in both engines. 

I cover my ears trying to deafen the sounds and when I get to control myself, my watch marks a high rhythm in my heart, the beep helps me to recover, I blink and I see a little girl coming close to me. “Miss, are you alright?” She doesn’t stop liking her ice cream, making me laugh. 

“Yeah, don’t worry, go somewhere fresh or your ice cream will melt faster.” My voice just murmured. It’s a hot Saturday and the summer has just begun, she nods and runs to sit on a bench covered by a tree.

I stop the timer and walk to my father’s car parking in front the main gate of the park, from time to time I lift my sight to the sky, I remember the first time I was in a plane, not a commercial plane, not a light aircraft, but a navy plane, the freedom I felt and the power I thought I had.

For the first time in almost 2 years, I realized that this week would change all I’ve work for more than 8 years, what terrifies me it’s know, in this moment I don’t even sure if continue it’s the right choice. 

The next morning, I woke up around 5 am; the test begins at 08:00 hours at least I have to be in the base around 07:00, I get ready, and at the moment I get down I see my parents getting ready for breakfast. 

“No, it’s not for you.” Dad says before I even complain, they stand up for my test just like they did when I was 6 years old and it was the first day of school. 

“I have an important meeting; I must be ready.” He didn’t even lift his eyes from the newspaper, my mother shakes her head and offers me a cup of tea. 

“Good morning by the way.” I greeted them, my mother giggled when I subtly pointed out his lack of greeting combined with the awful way of hiding his real intentions.

-

“SKY! Hi!” Jill screams when I enter the building. I have known Jill Green (Panther) since we entered the training at Top Gun, something you must know about Jill, she is a cheerful girl, in all the extension of the word.

“Hi, Jill. How are you?” She ran so she could walk along with me. 

“Missing you, it’s not the same since you’re not here, but I heard you have already scheduled a test, isn't it amazing?” I smile, she always makes me smile. 

“Well, let’s find out.” 

My feet were tapping intensely when the vice admiral Beau Simpson opened the door and made me enter his office. 

“Lieutenant, good to see you, please take a seat.” I obey and sit from time to time I apart my sight from him. 

“Well, it’s time, like we already inform you, 1 month of constantly test on the ground and, of course, in the air, after the month, we evaluate you, if you pass, you’ll be deploy in a blink of an eye, if you’re not, well, we have a big problem.” I gulp, he put his hands over the desk. “Sky, you were born to be in the air, one of a kind, just focus…what happened years ago, you must let it go.” I turn my face. “It’s not easy but you’re a strong girl.” With my lack of answer, he stands and takes me to another room.

“The first proof it’s really treating, a psychological one, following for multiple physical ones, strategic, mechanicals and logical.” He stops at the front door and looks straight into my eyes. “Lieutenant, you have been out for more than a year, some tests will pull out the worst and the best from you, what you need to know is, nothing you’ll be going through it’s impossible and you always prove to us that.”

At the end of the first day, all seems to be go a little bit better than expect, with a good mood I was walking to the parking lot where my mother’s car is waiting; she insist at least I should take it for going to the base, she felt more comfortable if she knew I have to be focus to the road instead of the memories been here could bring me back; my steps froze in just a few meter of distance of the entrance, when I see all Dagger Team enter to the building, I meet some of them years ago, with someone I’m really close, but met them right now make my heart beating fast and be really nervous.

I resolve it with the most childish choice, I hide behind the car waiting for them to enter inside the building. 

Great star Sky, hide and run.

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #14

previous // next // story index

__________

Yuri

Hello! Yuri here.

You were probably expecting Victor to be the one to give you the mountain tour, right? Normally, I’m sure he’d be more than happy to do it, but he’s a little too excited to focus right now.

He hasn’t quite calmed down since he got his new snowboard which, if you know Victor, will most likely not come as much of a surprise. He actually wanted to sleep with it next to his bed last night, and yesterday he was preoccupied with thinking up a name for it.

It’s called Elsa, in case you’re interested, so if in future you hear him say he’s going on the trails with Elsa, don’t worry. It’s not a girl, or at least not a human girl, and Elsa is still his number two obsession. I have it on good authority that the number one spot belongs to me. If that weren’t the case, Elsa and I might have a serious problem.

Fortunately for Victor, I accept that he’s essentially a ten year old trapped in a grown man’s body, and that some of the things he does are going to defy logic and common sense. His quirks are harmless though, and if they make him happy, why should I try to change him? His childlike qualities are part of his charm.

Last night, I didn’t even argue when he said Elsa was spending the night in his room rather than in the downstairs closet where we keep our other snowboards and all the other winter sports equipment. I told him that as long as the snowboard stayed on the floor, he could have both me and Elsa in his room for the night and everything would be fine.

Since today is Saturday and neither of us has to work, we planned to spend most of the day on the mountain if the weather was good. It’d been raining through the week, so although I’d picked up our new snowboards earlier, we haven’t had a chance to try them before now.

I knew when we went to bed that we’d be getting up early today. The problem was, I forgot that the combination of Victor being a morning person and being excited about something usually makes for an earlier start than I’d prefer.

He woke me before sunrise with, “Guess what, Yuri? It’s not raining. It’s time to get up.”

Unlike Victor, I am not a morning person. Part of this may be genetic – my father isn’t a morning person either – and it may also be due in part to the ludicrous number of prescription medications I’m taking. Whatever the reason, when I wake up it usually takes me a while to start feeling fully conscious and able to function. I remember mumbling something like, “Still dark. Don’t wanna.”

“It’s snowboarding time. You want to do that, right?”

“Mm-hmm… but the mountain’ll still be there later.”

“Yuu-rii…” He drew out the syllables of my name in a plaintive whine. “I’ve been waiting all week.”

“I know. Me too,” i said. “But can we please just stay in bed until the sun comes up?”

“But I can’t sleep,” he said.

“Okay, but can you let me sleep?”

Apparently concluding that whining wasn’t going to get him anywhere, he put his hand on my back and began to massage in between my shoulder blades in exactly the way he knows I like. “If you’re going to be all bossy and make us both stay in bed for another couple of hours, you’re not sleeping,” he said.

Without meaning to, I let out a small whine of my own. I don’t know what it is about that spot, but I always have so much muscle tension there, and Victor knows how to release it every time. I felt like I wanted to melt under his hand.

“Why are you like this?” I said.

“Are you complaining?” he asked.

“No, but using my body to manipulate me is just unfair.”

“Oh,” he said, failing spectacularly at his attempt to sound innocent. “Am I doing that?”

“You’re the worst,” I grumbled. “Working your magic on me like that isn’t going to make me do what you want. I’m still not getting up.”

“Fine. We can lie here and talk. How about you tell me what you want for breakfast so I can visualize my culinary masterpiece or whatever.“

"I don’t want—”

“Not the correct answer,” he cut me off mid-protest. “No going on the mountain without breakfast. That’s the rule.”

“All right,” I conceded. “That is the rule. I’ll eat whatever you make. You can surprise me. And I am going back to sleep, whether you like it or not.”

“Without even responding to this generous offer of cuddling?” he inquired, fingers still moving purposefully. “I can work on all your other favourite spots.”

“Okay, but only the ones you can do without making me move and… Mmm…” He’d already glided his hand further down toward my lower back. “Yes, right there.”

“So, you’re basically asking for the best back rub ever. That’s totally doable. Like, I need to have something to occupy me if I’m not allowed to leave the bed, don’t I?”

"You’re impossible, Victor,” I said, but wasn’t about to refuse his offer, and I didn’t bother to tell him that I hadn’t actually said he couldn’t get up.

Sometimes the best edge one can have is to take advantage of other people’s inability to pay attention to the details of a conversation. I considered myself to have won all around. I was able to get more sleep, I’d convinced Victor that he needed to stay with me and snuggle, and we’d get to go snowboarding at a sensible time of day.

In the end, Victor fell asleep again despite all his protests about not being able to. To my amusement, he drifted off before I did, mumbling against my shoulder, “Wasn’t s’posed to be sleepy. This’s all your fault, Yuri.”

You see what I have to put up with?

We both woke up again around seven o’clock, and I felt better prepared to start the day at that time. Victor prepared a fruit salad, scrambled eggs, rice and miso soup for breakfast. I had a protein bar instead of eggs, but I asked Victor to let me try a few bites of his. At that, his face looked like somebody had just told him he’d won the lottery. He fed me with his own fork, which is typically a serious breach of good manners here, but nobody at the table seemed to care. Dr. Nelson looked so proud, I thought she might cry.

I’ve been making more of an effort to eat different foods lately. Normally, I wouldn’t have eggs at breakfast. In the morning is when I’m least enthusiastic about eating, and I mostly stick to foods that are easy for me to tolerate like miso soup and rice. Victor says he thinks one of my problems isn’t that I can’t eat certain things, but that I’ve built a habit of avoiding them. He could be right, so now I’m trying to push my boundaries a little, attempting to see if any of those habits can be broken safely and without too much stress.

Egg isn’t my favourite thing to eat, but it didn’t taste terrible and it didn’t cause me any discomfort. I felt encouraged by that.

Small victories, I thought.

After breakfast, Victor and I headed up the mountain while Dr. Nelson went off to a Japanese calligraphy class. On the way up, Victor only asked me twice if I was feeling okay, which may have been another small success because he’s generally far more solicitous. I would’ve expected him to be concerned after having seen me eat something out of the ordinary, but I concluded that maybe he was starting to relax a little about it. Then again, it just may have been that he was too distracted by the prospect of his first run on his new board to be as attentive to me as usual.

When we stopped to look at the public notice board to check the trail conditions, we discovered to our surprise that the expert run was open. Needless to tell you, Victor was thrilled about that. As if he wasn’t already overexcited, he started bouncing up and down next to me.

“We have to go there first!”

“I thought you said you didn’t want me to do the expert run,” I said.

“Yeah, I didn’t want you to, but I never said you couldn’t,” he clarified. “You’re ready to conquer the world today. I can just tell.”

“Is this about breakfast?”

“It’s about fearlessness!” He flung his arms out in an expansive gesture. “Small stuff like an egg, big stuff like a steep trail… it doesn’t matter. If you’re not afraid to try, who knows what awesome thing might happen?”

A bit over the top, but I had to admit he made a good point.

“Okay,” I said. “Let’s go.”

“Yes!” he exclaimed. “I’ll go first, and you can follow me down, okay?”

“Okay.”

I guess nobody else on the mountain felt like living as dangerously as we did, because when we got to the top of the run we were the only ones there.

Victor gazed down the mountainside with a gleam in his eyes that might have been mistaken for desire if he’d been looking at a person. His face had softened into a kind of adoring smile that I’m sure he saves only for me and for his beloved Arashiyama. I’ve only ever seen it when we’re alone or when he’s ‘communing with the mountain’, as he likes to say.

“Fresh powder,” he said softly, as if he were praying to some deity. “And I’m going to be the first one on it.”

It was fascinating to observe him in the next few minutes. For someone who’d been literally vibrating with unused energy only a short time ago, now he seemed preternaturally calm. He laid his board gently and almost reverently on the snow, then pulled off a glove and placed his bare palm on the centre of the board between the bindings. He whispered something, but I couldn’t catch what it was.

Glove back in place, he snapped one boot into the bindings of his board, and turned to look over his shoulder at me.

"All right,” he said. “Now, I’m ready.”

I smiled. No question. He was clearly ready. “Don’t let me hold you back.”

“You have to watch me. You’re going to watch, right?”

“Yes,” I said. “I’ll be watching. I’ll follow you down in a few minutes.”

“Be careful.”

“You be careful. You’re the one who takes all the risks.”

“Because I love it,” he said gleefully as he snapped his other boot into place. “And I’ll bet Elsa’s going to love it too. I have a super good feeling about her.” He glanced down at his board and gave a tiny nod. “Ready, Elsa?”

The snowboard, of course, did not respond. Not that I could tell, at least, but Victor may have heard something that was only perceptible to him.

“Try not to—” I began, but halfway through the sentence I knew it was pointless to tell him anything about not getting carried away. I realized it the moment he took off.

The first part of this particular trail has a sharp incline, and he dropped over the edge with an exuberant shout of, “Woo… yeah! We got this, Elsa! You are the queen!”

At some early point in his international competitive career, a Canadian sports commentator had given him the nickname The Silver Storm, and it’s not hard to tell why. I love watching Victor on the slopes. Just like a fierce snowstorm, he's beautiful and powerful, fearsome and awe-inspiring all at once.

Victor fully embraced the epithet pinned on him by that commentator, I think. He went so far as to name his current competition board Silver Storm. It's a magnificent silver and teal Snowy Peak custom race board. When Victor catches air with it, everyone can see the name 'Silver Storm' and the Canadian flag emblazoned on its underside. Victor is ridiculously proud of it, and even though I imagine Silver Storm the snowboard will likely be retiring now that Elsa is here, I doubt the mountain has seen the last of it. Victor cares for it too much to stop using it entirely.

Some people probably think it's silly that Victor names his boards. I may tease him about it, but I actually don't think it's silly at all because I know why he does it. To him, his snowboard isn’t just an object or a tool; it’s a partner, a sleek extension of his body’s beauty and an instrument of his power. In combination, Victor and Silver Storm are a sight to behold, and I hope he finds the same connection with Elsa and rides it to just as many top finishes.

I suppose I should explain a bit about Victor's sport, shouldn't I? I ought to have done that before I embarked on a rambling monologue about the naming of snowboards. Apologies for that. Let me see if I can demystify things for you.

When you think of snowboarding, maybe the first thing that comes to mind is freestyle, where riders do tricks and jumps in a terrain park. Freestyle is fun to watch but it’s not nearly as exhilarating or as terrifying to witness as alpine snowboarding. Victor competes in alpine events where the objective isn’t to be fancy. The goal in alpine events such as giant slalom, parallel giant slalom and Super-G is to be fast. Victor told me that his last coach once clocked him at 98 kilometres per hour on a Super-G course, and I know that he routinely hits speeds of 70 kilometres per hour or more when he’s training for his best event, parallel giant slalom. Competitive alpine snowboarding is extremely dangerous. It requires focus and precision, and either a massive amount of courage or a total lack of fear. It's ideal for an adrenaline junkie like Victor.

Anyone watching him can see how passionate he is about the sport, not to mention how talented he is. He’s got the medals and trophies to prove his skills, but even though he enjoys competing and he does well, I think what really drives him isn’t a need to be the best or to win anything. I think, for him, it’s the freedom and the thrill of flying down the mountainside. Arashiyama itself is his only true competitor. He’s determined to take on any challenge the mountain can create, and to emerge as… the victor, for lack of a better word.

I stared at him until he rounded a bend in the trail and I couldn’t see him any more. Then, I started my own descent. I didn’t take off with a yell like he did, but I was crying out with joy on the inside.

I was ten years old when I tried snowboarding for the first time, and I don’t think I’d be exaggerating if I said it changed my life. Before snowboarding, I was a lonely, sheltered child who was afraid of everything and everyone. The biggest risk I ever took before my first time on a snowboard was sledding down the tiny hills at the foot of Arashiyama with my older cousin Akari and my tutor Jack.

One afternoon, Jack took me and my sister Hana, who was five at the time, up to the bunny slope. Jack wanted to practice with his new skis and he said Hana and I could play with my sled nearby, as long as he could see us.

While I was trying to pull Hana around on the sled, a boy around my own age came up to us. He introduced himself as Takahiro Suzuki and told me that his family had just moved to Matsumori from Kyoto because of his mother’s new job, and he was looking for people to be friends with. He’d already met some other boys, he told me, and they’d all signed up for a snowboarding lesson that very afternoon. I wasn’t sure I wanted to do that, but Jack had overheard the part of the conversation where Takahiro invited me to join the group lesson and encouraged me to try it.

“I think you’ll enjoy it, Yuri,” Jack had said. “You like skating and you like your bonsai tree class, but you didn’t want to do those at first either, remember?”

“Yeah,” I’d acknowledged.

“Don’t forget what I’m always telling you about trying new things.”

“I’m not allowed to say I don’t like it until I’ve tried it.”

“Good man. Hana and I will stay here and play until you’ve finished your lesson. Then we’ll all go for a nice hot drink and you can tell me how it went, yeah?”

“Okay," I'd agreed.

Jack had wished me luck and hugged me — he was one of the very few people I’d permit to do so — and then off I went with my new friend Takahiro.

There were five of us in that first group lesson; Takahiro, Seiji, me and two other boys called Tatsuki and Ren. I remember being unreasonably pleased to discover that Tatsuki had a disability more serious than mine which meant, for a change, I wasn’t being treated like an object made of glass. In fact, it was the first time I realized that if I didn’t mention my illness, no one would know about it and I could pass for normal.

One of the two instructors had been wholly occupied with Tatsuki, which left the other to teach the rest of us. There was no pity or sadness in that man’s eyes for me. To him, I was equal to Takahiro and the others, and that was a revelation.

Looking back on it now, I have the maturity and grace to be ashamed for comparing myself to the child with low vision and somehow thinking I was superior to him because I didn’t need one-on-one attention. Nevertheless, my contrition in no way detracts from how amazing that first snowboarding experience made me feel.

With helmets, boots and boards borrowed from the Recreation Association, Takahiro, Seiji, Ren, Tatsuki and I were a motley quintet of shrill voices and flailing arms as we tried to find our footing on the gentle bunny slope. We all fell down a lot, and I was exhausted by the time the lesson was over, but I knew I’d found my place on the mountain that day. All the yoga and Tai Chi that my mother had made me practice to improve my strength had given me an advantage in balance and movement most of the other boys didn’t have, and I relished the seemingly contradictory feelings of control and liberation I experienced as I slid down the hill. Looking back on it, my first successful run on the bunny slope seems minor, but to ten year old me it was an enormous accomplishment and made me feel like I had power for the first time in my life.

Look at me now, little Yuri, is what I wished I could say to my child self as I zipped down the second-steepest slope on Arashiyama. Thank you for being so courageous that day. You made this possible.

After a few heart-stopping runs down the expert trail, even Victor admitted he needed a break. We went back to the public square for a hot bowl of noodles and some of our favourite sage green tea. I wish I could figure out how to make sage tea taste as good at home as it does on the mountain, but maybe you have to be exhausted from exercise to fully appreciate the flavour.

While we were in line to get food, I noticed a poster for climbing lessons. I knew Victor had been wanting to sign up for the full climbing course offered by the Recreation Association, but it was expensive and required gear. This lesson was free, and the poster said it was safe and easy enough that ski gloves, good winter boots and ski or snowboard helmets were acceptable equipment.

I thought that it might be a good way to pass the afternoon, so I suggested it to Victor.

“Are you sure?” he said. “Do you think you can climb?”

“There's only one way to find out,” I said.

He frowned a little. “But, what if you get hurt? You could fall and break something, or strain a muscle, or…”

I laughed. “Victor! Are you even listening to yourself right now? You had absolutely no problem with me riding down the second-craziest slope on this mountain not once, but three times this morning, and now you’re worried about me trying to climb a little rock formation?”

“Yeah, but it’s different,” he said.

“I thought you told me that today was my day to conquer the world.” I reminded him.

“I guess I did say that, didn’t I?”

“Did you mean it?” I asked.

“Of course I meant it.”

“So, will you please try climbing with me?”

His inner conflict was visible in his eyes, but the moment he beamed at me and his smile lit up his entire face, I knew which side had won. “Okay, yeah!” he said. “Let’s do it!”

I just want to say for the record, climbing is hard work. I fell off the rock a couple of times and I know I’m going to have some impressive bruises tomorrow. If I’m being honest, I fully expect that I won’t even be able to get out of bed tomorrow and Victor will probably have to help me with almost everything, but for the moment, I’m not even worried about it. I’m still riding the adrenaline high.

After a few false starts, I made it all the way to the top. Victor, not surprisingly, turned out to be a natural born climber. He loved it, and I’m sure he’ll be saving his money to take the full climbing course after this.

When I reached the top, Victor was already there waiting for me. He grabbed me and pulled me into a warm, zealous hug.

“Yuri! You were awesome!” he practically shouted. “I kept looking over at you to make sure you were okay, but I guess I was worried for nothing. You’re brave and amazing, and I’m so proud of you.”

This was the sort of comment that would usually embarrass me and make me want to deny it, but in that moment, I really did feel brave and amazing. I never would have dreamed of doing something like climbing before, much less would I have been the one to suggest it in the first place. Yet, there I was, flushed and exhausted and triumphant, at the top of a small rock formation I’d scaled all by myself with no hand up from anyone.

Today may not have been my day to conquer the world, but I think I conquered something far more important. Today, I told my fear that it would not — could not — win. I know it’s not gone forever. My anxiety and fear will always be there, lurking around some shadowy corner, but maybe I’m slowly learning that hiding from the things that scare me isn’t the answer. I have to take a step forward and say to my fear, I acknowledge you, but I won’t let you take my power.

Today, it was eggs and a rock outcrop. Tomorrow, who knows?

[popcornforone]

MARCH

From the Marcus Pike Fan Fic Diary

Masterlist

February

How are we already in March? Must be time for another diary entry from our writer about her exploits with Marcus.

Synopsis:- Marcus is working away on a case & you just want to chat to him on a Saturday night.

Word count:-1900

Warnings:- DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE UNDER 18! Phone sex,masturbating, innuendo, talk of piv & oral, sexual video, swearing, drinking, pining. remember this is a diary so from the readers point of view.

Thanks as always for the read peoples. All feedback is always welcome. I hope you enjoy.

I hate it when Marcus is away. It not that I don’t like doing my own thing, but I miss the cuddles. I love that I can watch what I want, can eat what I like at a time that’s good for me & not have to worry if he’s going to randomly message going he needs dinner, or planning something & then him last minute saying actually. But I miss his little smile. I miss little suggestive winks. I miss the way he makes me cum. I miss the taste of him spilling down my throat. I just am missing him so bad.

I know it’s only 10 days & it’s important for his job & career but it’s just a huge hole in the bed next to me. I can starfish all I want, but I’d much prefer to be sinking into the mattress with my feet on his shoulders as he asks me if I can take more. Don’t tell Marcus this, I mean you’re a diary so you won’t, but I use his pillow to sleep on when he’s not here. I always make sure the bedding is fresh for when he is back but no I want to smell my man. I have needs & his scent helps me with some of them.

It’s not like we don’t see each other though. We face time & text & send photos to each other, but he’s often tired & a little grumpy. Works stressful when he’s home let alone working on something else where.

I knew he had Sunday off last week so I asked him to have a chill Saturday night & get ready for a phone call. I wanted his soothing voice to send me asleep. But I also wanted to see if he was up for something.

First call he doesn’t answer at 10pm. Maybe he had already fallen asleep. But the second call he answers.

“Hey sorry was in the middle of cleaning my teeth baby”

“I hope you didn’t swallow”

“No swallowing toothpaste isn’t that good for you” I am glad it’s not face time. I rolled my eyes. I wanted to see if things could get spicy. But clearly he was being practical. Yep that was my man there, not taking a hint unless it’s bleeding obvious to him.

“How was today?”

“Good, we think we might be on the red eye on Tuesday if we’re lucky. Latest is still Thursday night which is meant to happen” I can hear a tap turn off in the back ground & the bathroom light button click. I know he’s got ready for bed. I am already in bed. I need to clean my own teeth once the call is over but it won’t take me long. I’ve got a glass of wine on the bed side table which I’m sipping. I’m also in just my dressing gown, & I know I have something to pleasure myself with after hearing my man’s delicious voice.

“What about you beautiful, what did you do today?”

“Saw my mum took her shopping, she wanted a new handbag, she treated me to lunch & then I decided to start sorting out junk in the study”

“junk?”

“Yes junk” I giggle”you know all the stuff we said we’d sort out when we moved i together nearly 18 months ago that we didn’t need or were duplicates”

“Please tell…”

“Don’t worry don’t worry” I hear the panic in his voice “I didn’t touch the comics or anything that wasn’t mine, that’s still for you to sort”

“Oooh thank god…” I hear a sigh of relief down the phone & hear him sit on the bed “because”

We then say in unison “some of those comics are limited print”

“I know Marcus I know, you need to have them valued for insurance purposes” we talk about this every now & then. I have a couple of original art pieces that I got insured last year, after they had just sat in a corner & told Marcus he could do his comics & collectibles at the same time but he said he’d need to go to a specialist. He’s never been.

“So what are you going to do on your day off?” I ask as I sip more wine.

“I want to go to that new art exhibition that’s here…” Marcus has always loved weird art & he knows I appreciate it but not to his tastes it’s a bit to gloomy what he likes, not what you should put up in the house, not that we could even afford it. I let him talk about a few other things too.

“Well on Sunday im going to write in my journal & then I’m going to get on with building those Lego flowers you got me for Christmas, I can’t kill them can I” he giggles down the phone at me.

“Oooh no you can’t murder those. Thank god. I recon you could try tho”

“Would you have to investigate & come home if I did?”

“100%”

“Then I’ll go commit some crime” we both laugh & then sigh. The silence between us on the phone for a few seconds is just perfect. Hearing him breathe is a joy.

“Marcus…”

“Yes baby” I smirk as his voice seems deeper for some reason. I’m going to try something.

“What are you wearing?” I lick my lips as I say it.

“My jammies… you know the blue & black striped ones…I’ve also…” he then goes on to talk about if it’s okay to wear socks in bed or not as his feet feel cold. I’m a little bit gutted. I know he takes things literally but I wanted more or maybe something sexy. Also Marcus only wear his Jammies when he’s away incase he’s woken up at 3am to go look at something. He’s shy at times & doesn’t want any work colleagues to walk in on him hanging out, or with his naked arse in the air. What a peach they would see. I sigh a little which he picks up on.

“Was that the wrong answer?”

“No I just… I wanted something more adventurous.” I’m always honest with Marcus.

“Okay so then what are you wearing baby”

“Well…”I then untie my robe “say the words baby & I’ll start to moan for your listening pleasure”

“Why are you hurt?”

“Marcus!”

“What”

“Is your line tapped?”

“No”

“Well I’m just taking my robe off & am going to enjoy myself in bed” I slip the robe off. “Imagine if we were face timing baby” I whisper “you wouldn’t be seeing my face”

“Well erm…” I can tell he’s flustered & trying to work out how to say some spicy stuff. “Ermmmm… I”

“It really is a good thing we aren’t looking at each other” I smile trying to reassure him that it’s okay if he doesn’t want to.

“No I… I’m just having a moment” the phone line falls silent for a second before Marcus speaks. “Does the bed still smell of me”

“Yea baby”

“Then sleep on that side when you have fun later, I want my side to be a little damp” he’s getting into it even if shyly.

“Do you think of me?”

“Yes baby” he’s dropped his voice it’s getting sexier.

“In the shower?”

“Why do you think I’m always so clean when I come back from a job?”

“It’s not as good as me though…”

“Oooh fuck no!” Is his abrupt response “I might moan & fist harder but it’s not like your bending over in the shower is it”

“I always like to wash your chest, lather you up, caress those broad shoulders…”

“& then drop to your knees like the naughty little slut you are”

“I…” I was not expecting Marcus to get into this so quickly. All it had taken was a few back & forth & he was now calling me a slut down the phone. “Do you like me on my knees?”

“I like you in any position, begging for me”

“The way you face fuck me…”

“…oooh when I can’t tell if it’s spit or my cum or shower water…”

“Getting clean is always such a dirty task”

“Oooh baby” I hear him moan.

“Yes baby, my fingers in my cunt, my lips at your base, in your pubes, steam building up in a hot shower, you gripping my chin thrusting away”

“Down your throat, good thing you had your tonsils taken out, they’d be so swollen” as this conversation goes on, I’ve starting pleasuring my clit, I’ve not used my vibrator yet I think I will need that when the call ends.

“Marcus, tell me I’m a good girl”

“No…” he’s panting”you so naughty, good girls wouldn’t be masturbating on the phone”

“& what does that make you…?” I gasp, arousal is seeping.

“A very bad boy, a bad boy who wants to get on the next flight & wishing his penis was satisfying you instead.”

We moan down the phone at each other getting off to each others seduction.

“I need your mouth”

“So do I”

“69?”

“Oooh baby i’ll get on a plane to you”

“Naked?”

“If it meant quicker pleasure yes”

Eventually we both finish out sexual discussion. For a man who was shy to start with Marcus got into it. He screamed my name as he obviously climaxed & spilled into his hand.

“I think I need a shower” he says breathily “I’ve made a right mess”

“Hmmm” I reply back, I’m contemplating do I clean my teeth now or do I hang up & use the vibrator. “I’m so glad you got into that Marcus”

“I am too, we should try that again sometime”

“Maybe next time we do face time in”

“& me see your pussy gushing without me being able to taste it?” He scoffs “that’s not playing fair.”

“Well finish this case quickly & you can come home for all the shower sex in the world.”

“I’m gonna hold you to that sexy” I know the face he’s pulling even without seeing it it’s a soft but sexy smirk.

“I’m gonna go clean my teeth & actually go to bed now Marcus” I say “thank you for everything baby”

“For once I’m gonna ask you to spit not swallow, it’s not my cum that will be foaming at your lips” I gasp. Marcus finally got my line from earlier.

“I only swallow what’s good for me”

“Oooh you’re so good being bad”

“Night Marcus I love you”

“Not as much as I love you”

Yea that was a fabulous time on the phone to my Marcus. Someone so shy then got so into being so naughty. & I think I unlocked a sexual beast, because once my teeth were clean there was a text on my phone. An encrypted video. With a message underneath.

“Because your vibrator won’t be enough” & the video in question was Marcus handling his throbbing penis, angry & wanting to be buried somewhere soft & warm. It gets me off on both Saturday night & Sunday morning.

April

[melodygatesauthor]

Weekly Update

8/20/2023

Announcements

- A Bit Dodgy is almost finished -

The chapter coming out this week is the second to last chapter for the series. It’s such a bitter sweet thing, ending a series, especially one that I’ve built such a community around. I’ve written 5 novel-length fics over the course of the last year, and A Bit Dodgy will be number 6. On 09/04/2023 it will be my one-year anniversary of writing fanfiction since coming back after not writing for about a decade and l can’t believe it. Holy CRAP. I’ll take the time to reminisce about my numbers and statistics on my one-year mark, don’t you worry lol. There will definitely be a celebration.

That being said, ending a series never gets easier. Even though I write for these characters all the time, Steven, Marc and Jake in this case, I’m still closing the book on this version of them. It’s sad, but I’m also very ready to move on to other stories and other versions of these characters. I also think I’ll write some headcanons and one-shots as I feel the desire to just to take the edge off when I’m missing them. I’ll talk more about this when I finish A Bit Dodgy. <3

- Requests are officially closed -

I’m not sure if I’ll ever be in a position to take requests again or not. My WIP list is a mile long, and right now (summer) is a VERY busy time for both of my jobs. I’m lucky if I get one day off a week. All this to say, it’s not feasible for me to continue taking requests when I can’t even handle the fics I have currently in the works.

I’m not saying I’ll never do requests again, it’s just not realistic right now. There will still be follower celebrations and birthday events and things like that in which I may take limited requests, but as far as the regular ones go, I gotta stop taking them for now. - THIS IS THE LAST TIME I'M MAKING THIS ANNOUNCEMENT. PLEASE READ IT.

Fic Updates

Disclaimer - I never know which way the winds of inspiration will blow. Timeframes aren’t a promise/guarantee, they’re a goal.

Fic Updates Legend:

Blue - Update this week

Pink - Update in progress

Red - Backburner Fic (not currently working on. See WIP list for status)

You can find my current WIP list here

Chaptered Fic Updates

A Bit Dodgy - Chapter 17 is coming this week, but I need more time. So it won't come out tomorrow, it will be out Tuesday or Wednesday instead! Thank you for understanding!

Always Yours, Never Mine - Chapter 3 is done! Just need to finish editing! I'll be putting it out Saturday bbs <3

The Fractured Moon - My primary focus this past week has been getting A Bit Dodgy finished, and also working on getting the requests and stuff for my 2k celebration done. I'll be working on part 4 of TFM this week to hopefully post next week!

Mini-series Updates

Feeling You Can’t Fight - Chapter 3 is done! I just need to finish editing and posting hehe.

All on the backburner for now but will get additional chapters soon:

Not a Doctor - Part 2

Worth the Risk - Part 3

AI Character Bot Updates

I currently have the following bots on my list that I’m working on. If you have any suggestions or additions you’d like, please feel free to ask! I won’t make every single one I get asked for but I’ll make some of them as I get time!

DBF Jake and Steven (I already did Marc...did I ever post him? I thought I did but maybe not)

Patient Steven and Marc

Moon Knight Rescue scenario

Miguel AI Assistant Scenario (inspired by @missdictatorme's Halo fic).

Am I missing any? Don't see one on the list that you want to add? Send me an inbox or private message! No promises, but if I like the idea I'll make an AI bot.

Requests

I'm finishing up all the inboxes from my 2k Follower Celebration! I'm almost through those so please bear with me.

There are 2 regular requests I have that will both be released this week! Exciting! - Those are the last 2 I have. Starting next week, the "request" category of my weekly update will be gone!

I think that's all for now! Much love!

Don't forget to follow my other blogs:

@melodymakesart - My art blog

@lockandkeynovel - The blog for my original fiction novel, Lock & Key

@melodyreadsfanfiction - The blog where I reblog works I intend to read, a good place for fanfic readers to follow!

@melodygatesupdates - This is where I'll reblog any chapter updates for my fics and whatnot. This is what I use instead of a tag list!

[ihaveneverbeentothemoon]

GENE!! HEEL!!

i love THE SHINING!!!!!!!!!! literally all week since saturday all ive been thinking abt is watching it again but since school started i made this little tradition that every saturday night id watch the shining on the tv while everyones asleep (im so cool) bc i love watching the shining on the tv (i only watch stuff on my laptop so getting to watch smth i love on the tv is rlly cool to me 😼)

ive come to a point where i dont mind watching the shining every day. like in the beginning it was all just 'oh, i havent watched the shining in a while, i feel like watching it now so im going to' that was like a month and a half ago or smth...ive never rlly had the shining as an actual interest before, but this one by far has lasted the longest, and its kind of different to any other interest i have in a way i cant explain!!!!

anyway, that little 'i wanna watch the shining tonight!" like 2 months ago sent me down a rabbit hole of youtube videos talking abt the making of the shining, theories abt the shining, and a bunch of other stuff, plus reading the actual book (which i love as much as the movie) and now here i am! when this silly little interest first started i was like 'oh i wanna pace myself, i dont want to watch the shining every night' bc i jsut didnt feel like it, but now i dont mind watching it every night or so, but i gotta wait until saturday now. at least it keeps me looking forward to smth!

dude i dont wanna sound crazy or anything, and i dont mean it in a crazy way, like i think im pretty normal abt my interest in the shining, but most of the time in my mind im just thinking abt the shining and waiting for someone to ask me if i know the shining or for someone to merely mention it bc the second they do i can just explode and finally tell SOMEONE how much i love the shining. like i kid u not i was having dinner today and while i was eating i was begging for my family to just ask me 'so are u watching any movies rn?' bc YES. YES I AM!!! and i have a lot to say abt it.... also at dinner i was thinking of all the lines from the shining i knew off by heart, reciting them to myself, i wanna quote them to someone so bad </3 so idk who to talk to abt the shining. thats why im on here writing abt it!

anyway thats all! im gonna post this publicly, just to try it out--i never post anything publicly but i wanna see what its like, ive been on tumblr for like a year or smth but i still dont rlly know it too well lol, so im still learning. if i like posting publicly i might post more, or ill just take this down. anyway sorry if theres any spelling mistakes or anything, this isnt proofread! :3

(also the title is a quote from the movie evan almighty in case u dont get it 😻)

[alwaysahiccupandastrid]

It would happen to me that I spend a month and a half job hunting only to then get two jobs in the same week, both of them full time and highly demanding.

So basically I interviewed for a bakery retail assistant role and an unqualified nursery position, and after trial shifts for both I got them both, which I was shocked by. The timing of it all is so unfortunate; the nursery interviewed me last Friday and then invited me to a trial on Tuesday afternoon; the bakery then wanted me to come in for an interview and trial shift on Monday morning and so I agreed in case the nursery one fell through. The bakery offered me the position first on Monday, literally five minutes after my trial ended (god knows why since I felt awkward and didn’t know shit), and so I - rather stupidly - accepted it over the phone and started on Wednesday so I could still do the trial; I thought that I would get an answer about the nursery on Tuesday so I could have the chance to take it while still having the back up choice. Lo and behold, the nursery has accepted me and wants me to start next week, meanwhile the bakery has already put me on the rota for the next week and a half.

And now I’m stuck.

The nursery was my first choice, to be honest, and while I had been hoping to step away from childcare after working in schools and at daycare camp for the past few years, it would be with babies through to pre-school, which is a group I’ve not worked that much with (though I am good with babies it turns out). I have experience in this field already which helps.

The bakery job is selling bread/cakes/coffee as well as prepping sandwiches, cleaning etc. As I’ve discovered over my last two shifts there, I’m fucking abysmal at making sandwiches, keep forgetting things etc., but because it’s only my second shift I figured it’s just a matter of learning.

Hours wise, the bakery is 40 hours over five days, the nursery is 38 hours over five days (3 10 hour days + 2 half days of four hours); the bakery job means doing 6am-2:30pm/6:30am-3pm or 7:30-4pm, and while Sundays are off it means working Saturday with a day off during the week, which is a problem because in November I have a Saturday filled with pantomime performances (three of them!). Meanwhile the nursery is Monday-Friday, and the hours would for a full day would probably be something like 8-6:30 or something(?), meaning if I have a rehearsal at either 7:30-9:30 or 8-10 (evenings), I’ll have very little to no time to prepare or get my stuff ready etc, let alone eat anything, plus it doesn’t fit with performance days where I have to be in by 6pm.

I’m having to get up at 4:45am to every morning, so doing that and then having to stay awake until 10-11pm on days with rehearsals is AWFUL.

The benefits at the nursery (free gym membership, 40% off food/drink, discount at the salon/spa facilities on site) outweighs those at the bakery (free coffee/lunch), and the nursery pays 40p more per hour than the bakery.

The bakery at the staff are just, to my knowledge, so fucking nice most of the time despite me being useless and older than them, the manager is nice, and if I leave them it leaves them in the lurch and understaffed, which is so unfair on them. I don’t really know the staff at the nursery that well but I don’t think they’re horrible tbh, though they seemed absolutely exhausted and done by the time I went in for my trial shift on Tuesday afternoon.

The nursery wants me to start next Monday, but the bakery has a two week notice period so I would have to talk to both places and apologise profusely to work something out. If I don’t work the notice period then I could end up not being paid for the 34 hours I’ll have worked by Saturday evening.

I don’t want to go into childcare for the rest of my life, quite frankly, but the nursery has offered to pay for me to earn a qualification in childcare so long as I work a year afterwards (if I left before a year I’d have to pay them, which I suppose is reasonable), which would then mean I could be paid more in the future as I’d be a qualified childcare worker and not just an unqualified glorified babysitter.

They have a ball pit, a bunny and two Guinea pigs at the nursery - which I know aren’t for ME necessarily but I would get to go in the ball pit with the kids and see the bunny/animals so that’s a bonus

Travel to either isn’t really an issue as they’re both close, though the bakery DOES mean walking 40 minutes at 5am to get there while it’s dark in the winter

So… yeah. I’m feeling quite torn and lost right now, and I have no idea what to do.

[droptoeholdyourhorses]

An idea that's been kicking around in my head the past couple of weeks is trying to work out which former WWE Champion has faced the most other former WWE Champions. To date, there have been 54 recognised WWE Champions and out of those 54, one must have faced more of the remaining 53 than anyone else.

On paper, it's simple enough. Use a site like Cagematch or ProFightDB. Cross reference every WWE Champion with every other WWE Champion. See who has the highest tally at the end. However, there are some points I am getting caught up on as to what counts and what doesn't count.

Multi-man matches such as triple threat, fatal four ways, Royal Rumbles etc.

It feels like these shouldn't count, especially Rumbles but there does appear to be the odd case here and there. For example, Triple H and Rey Mysterio. The two have never had a one on one match together but in 2006, they did start that year's Royal Rumble. Both lasted over an hour, and in the final three, Rey eliminated Hunter before going on to eliminate Randy Orton to win the whole thing. Later in March of the same year, HHH and Rey were on opposite sides of a handicap match on Saturday Night's Main Event. Still, for sake of argument, it feels better to stick to singles matches overall.

2. House show matches.

Triple H vs. Jinder Mahal took place at an India house show in December 2017 in their only one-on-one match together. Both men are former WWE Champions so it should seemingly count but it does feel odd to count a Triple H match not many people will have seen, yet not count his interactions with Rey which many more will have seen.

3. Matches pre-WWE title reigns.

This one feels like it's splitting hairs admittedly. The most recent first-time WWE Champion is Big E defeating Bobby Lashley in September 2021. It would feel rather pedantic to say only matches after that count for Big E and matches before it don't.

4. Non WWE-matches between two WWE Champions.

I don't think there would be many cases of this either but let's take Rob Van Dam vs. AJ Styles as an example. They never faced off in WWE but they did have numerous matches against each other in TNA in 2010. It feels like those should count.

Will anything come of this? Eh, maybe, but I wanted to at least get the initial idea out of my head.

[feeldresearch]

Ya Girl is Back and the Feeld is Feeling Delicious!

This week took an unexpectedly delicious turn in the Feeld streets, and I am here to report my findings.

Interrogating a Dom Like It’s My Dissertation

Earlier in the week, I started chatting with a Dom who has been in the scene since the ‘90s. When I tell you I picked this man’s brain, he didn’t even see it coming. I was firing off questions like I was about to submit my PhD thesis on BDSM. He was out here thinking we were just casually chatting, meanwhile, I was taking mental notes like an undercover journalist. I can’t help it—I’m fascinated by the psychology of kink, and I have so many questions.

Sometimes, I feel a little bad that I match with people just to learn about their kinks like I’m conducting a social experiment. But then I remember: men have been using women for years, and payback is a bitch. Anyway, I’m gathering all this data, and when I have enough, y’all are getting a full report. Stay tuned.

O is for Ovulation and Outstanding Sex

On Wednesday, I met up with O. I revisited his profile recently, and he described himself as looking for something “respectfully casual.” And honestly? That’s exactly what we have. We linked up for drinks and wings at a bar, and then naturally, we made our way back to his place to do what we do best.

Now, I was ovulating this week, which meant my hormones were set to feral mode. I rode that man like I was training for an equestrian competition. Meanwhile, he was biting my nipples like they owed him money. The mix of pain and pleasure had me seeing stars—back-to-back-to-back orgasms like a championship team. We even passed out for an hour and a half, woke up, and ran it back.

I swear, this is the first time in my life I’m having a casual affair with no emotional attachments. As a certified Lover Girl™, this is major growth! The next day, every time my shirt brushed against my nipples, I got full-body flashbacks, so you know I spent the whole day grinning like an idiot.

Mr. Romantic: A Simp After My Own Heart

I haven’t seen Mr. Romantic in two weeks because he’s been swamped with work, but he hasn’t let a single day pass without reminding me how much he misses me. And listen—I live for a simp. The other day, he texted, “God, I miss you!!!” and I swear, I could feel the desperation through the screen. I took a moment to properly swoon before replying that he could call me whenever, not just on Tuesdays.

Tell me why this man called me one second after I hit send. I pick up, and he goes, “You don’t have to tell me twice that I can hear your voice.” SIR. The way I melted on the spot! We ended up talking for two hours, and by the end of it, he was whispering all the things he wanted to do to me. Not Mr. Makeout Man transforming into Mr. Make Me Blush and Make Me Cum. Growth! I cannot wait to see him again. Hopefully this week.

Casting a Wider Net: A Global Roster Update

Thursday night, I did some intensive research on the app and—whew—I got myself a solid rotation going. From Indian to Mexican to Caribbean men, the options are looking delightful. But let me tell you, African men seem to have a radar for me.

Case in point: this young Ghanaian tender messaged me saying he upgraded to a paid account just so he could send me a ping. Now, his pictures weren’t exactly screaming “fine,” but confidence goes a long way, so I swiped right. We ended up chatting all Saturday afternoon, and I decided he was worth a meetup. Turns out, he was way cuter in person. We grabbed drinks, got food, took a long romantic walk on the beach—so long that the cops pulled up with their flashlights like, “Alright, lovebirds, wrap it up.”

On the way back to my car, he casually dropped the fact that he took public transportation to see me. Now, I know he’s not broke—he works in finance for a very prominent trading company—but the city life is real, and not everyone owns a car. Since it was late, I offered to drive him home.

From Zero to Hero: A Redemption Arc in the Bedroom

Now, this is where things got interesting. He invited me in, and I should have known better when he warned me his place wasn’t ready for company. Y’all… it was a mess. But I stayed for a glass of wine, because, you know, research.

Then came the sweetest little plot twist. He looked at me with these innocent eyes and asked, “Can I kiss you?” And I—being the queen of pettiness—replied, “Can you?” He took the challenge and started kissing me so softly, barely any tongue, just delicate pecks. At first, I was like, hmm, I don’t know about this. But then, like lightning, things escalated. We went from sweet kisses to fully naked and in bed in under two minutes.

And then… he fumbled. Put on a condom and went straight in—no buildup, no warm-up, nothing. I laid there like, sir, how did we even get here? He immediately noticed my hesitation and stopped. “Are you okay?” he asked. I hit him with the truth: “No, I feel like we skipped way too many steps.”

To my surprise, he was actually receptive. He apologized, saying he got too excited, and asked me what I liked. A rare, teachable moment! So I told him: more kissing, more touching, go down on me, talk to me. He took notes immediately and made a full redemption arc.

He started slow—stroking my breasts, caressing my body, kissing me everywhere. He eased into fingering me (which, FYI, I love), and then, out of nowhere, he grabbed my leg and whispered in my ear:

“Keep your legs open. Don’t fucking close them.”

EXCUSE ME, SIR?!

Where did this energy come from?! Because suddenly, I was in full submission mode, convulsing under his touch. I was obeying every command while he took full control.

Then he asked what else I wanted, and I told him to go down on me. He agreed—but with terms. “Only if you do a really good job,” I teased. Apparently, that pissed him off in the right way, because next thing I knew, he shoved himself into my mouth. Normally, I’m not a first-encounter head-giver, but his dominant energy had me weak.

By the time we got to the main event, he was giving me everything. He was long-lasting, thick, spanking me, slapping my breasts, telling me what to do. He went from zero to hero so fast, my head is still spinning.

Finale: A Sticky Situation & A Sore Back

Lately, I’ve noticed these younger men are lasting way longer than what I’m used to. Maybe I’ve been spoiled by older men, but where is the grand finale?! I needed my reward. So I took matters into my own hands—literally. I made him finish on my tits while I watched, playing with myself. It was art.

We passed out afterward, breathless. I woke up wrecked. My back? Ruined. I limped out of his apartment at dawn, drove home, and immediately took a hot shower, popped some Motrin, and slathered on Tiger Balm.

Not the night I planned, but definitely an exciting new player in the game. For research purposes, of course. Stay tuned, the drought is officially over. Hoe tales, to be continued…

[kaikai69]

Sometimes I remember how autistic people like myself are said to have a weird pain scale, but then I remember I was a case study last year because of how weird my body decided to be.

So, last year around April I started having pain in my lower back, side, and tummy and I was like “my dad’s had kidney stones before, this is probably what I have.” So, I go to the after hours in my area and they’re like “yeah ur probably having a kidney stone. We can’t confirm it but you’ll live.” Cool, I can still go to work still. So, every couple of weeks no matter what I’m still having the reoccurring pain and I’m like “guess this is my life now.” So, I keep having horrible pain every once in a while and peeing blood, but since I can still work I don’t have to really do anything about it.

So, I’m cleaning my house while in pain and my body just kinda powers off. Luckily, my darling dearest partner heard the thud and sat me up while calling my dad. He’s never passed out from a kidney stone so he’s now saying to go to the er. I, however, have a massive fear of needles and knew if I went in I’d have to get an IV, so I decided to go to after hours again. I wanted to make an appointment with my doctor but my darling partner said “hun, she’s not in today it’s Saturday,” and I’m like “oh yeah. I guess after hours is ok, I just have to pee in a cup.”

So, we get there, I pee in a little cup and have a little faint in the waiting room and the doctor says “I can’t force you but I think you should go to the er.” Now, I haven’t eaten and would love nothing more than to succumb to the sleepy feeling I have and have a chicken wrap, so I flipped a coin to decide if I needed to go to the er or not. The doctor looked horrified until I said it was on heads so I had to go. So, I’m taken into the er (my third trip there that year) and they’re doing their thing and trying to find out what’s wrong with me. They ask me the pain scale question and I have no clue how to answer, so they give me liquid Tylenol while they do a bunch of scans n stuff.

It’s about 10pm and I just wanna go home at this point, but a doctor comes in and is like “hey, your appendix is inflamed and can burst at any time so we’re gonna take it out in the morning. Please don’t eat or drink anything after 12 tonight. So, I’m very upset and send my love out for a chicken wrap I can demolish before 12 and my mom and dad stay with me talking about the procedure and how I’ll be out in like a day or two. I’m just happy to get food, but the doctor tells me not to eat too much, so I ask “oh so call the injured one fat I get it,” which made them laugh and set the tone for my hospital stay.

So, next day comes and I’m just like “ok cool laparoscopic surgery. I’ll be out for a week, but what’s the worst that can happen?” So they get me prepped, I’m loopy but asking the nurses how they are and trying to be nice because they deal with a lot and I respect their field of work. Soon they put me under after reassuring me that I’ll be ok and it’s just a small surgery. My next memory is waking up on the table, looking up to seeing a lot of doctors standing over me so obviously I laugh and say “omg it’s like the show house,” and promptly get knocked back out.

So, I wake up again on the way to my hospital room and apparently I get bumped into a door and threaten to give them a knuckle sandwich (I’m a pacifist, my whole family knows this and are cracking up). My grandpa and grandma get there soon and my grandpa sees how miserable I look and got some extra blankets. He’s tucking me in and I look at him in tears and ask him to cover my toes so “the devil doesn’t suck on them,” which would’ve been funny I guess if my grandma wasn’t at the foot of my bed. Sorry grandma.

The doctor comes in and he’s like “I am so sorry but you are very weird. Wanna see your staples?” Now, in case yall don’t know, laparoscopic surgeries do not use staples, so obviously I’m a little confused. He reveals I have a large scar from the lowest part of my tummy to a little below my diaphragm, so obviously I ask if he took some fat out too. He laughs and then explains my surgery was the weirdest he’d ever done because:

1. My appendix was way too high up to be normal

2. The little tube connecting it to the large intestine was so small it practically didn’t exist

3. I had the appendix of a 6 year old

So, clearly, I had a lot going on. Looking back, it explains why so many doctors were just looking into my stomach with shocked expressions and why every nurse and doctor introduced themself and proceeded to ask a bunch of questions. I, being the creepy weirdo I am, ask if I can see my appendix but I’m told the lab wouldn’t give it back because they’re testing it and showing some classes. Still sad I never saw it in person, but oh well.

So, weeks pass by and they’re keeping a watchful eye on me. The hospital stay was nice and I talked about anime a lot with some of the nurses, but eventually I’m sent home and told to not lift more than 5lbs for 6 weeks. I am going insane because I loved my job and wanted to go back but eventually toward the end of the 6 weeks my surgeon is like “hey, come with me to my office I’ve gotta show you this.”

So I follow my organ thief and he then shows me medical records and reports on my appendix. This bitch was not, in fact, the size of a six year old’s but was actually half digested. What had apparently happened was that my appendix ruptured in April, and somehow was just eating itself to fix it? The surgeon had never seen it before and told me few people have this happen. He also informed me my body was fighting sepsis for months which made my immune system very poor (it still is but it’s improving!). Then, I’m told that I’ve been written about as a case study by several students and I am “not as human as I look,” which makes me sound like a cryptid which is cool af.

Now, you would think, “Kai, you literally almost died,” and you would be right, but the most I had ranked my pain was a 3. In hindsight, that’s the worst pain I’ve ever experienced, but honestly with the pain and sleepiness I had I felt like 3 was the best answer for pain. Luckily, nurses looked at my file and were like “this bitch doesn’t understand pain” so they gave me pain meds that actually help instead of Tylenol, but they were still very surprised with my antics.

Tldr: my appendix ruptured and tried eating itself, nearly killed me, and I ranked my pain as a 3 because I rank my pain by “I’m fine” or “hopitle.” Thanks, autism, for my pain defying gift!

[weekend-nathan]

Part 3: It's decided

In the morning, I always have trouble waking up, but I know it's my fault, I played on the console too late again and didn't get enough sleep.

Mom comes to wake me up, dad is drinking his coffee. She has to shake me several times to wake me up and open my eyes. I hope she doesn't see the console I put under my bed before falling asleep.

I finally get up and go have breakfast.

"What day is it?" I ask once seated.

"It's Tuesday," dad replies.

Oh man, the week is far from over. Can't wait for the weekend to get some sleep. My schedule sucks and I have classes every morning at 8 am, no chance to sleep in on a weekday.

"Don't forget to ask your friends if they could host you for 2 nights," mom asks. We still don't know which days, but it will be around the end of the week.

"Oh yeah, I completely forgot about that funeral."

"Yes mom, I'll do it."

Once I'm done, I get dressed and decide to go by bike this morning. I have to take advantage, soon it will be dark in the morning and my parents will want me to take the bus.

Nathan is already at the bus stop and watches me arrive.

"You look tired," he says, "did you play Fortnite again last night?"

"I leveled up several times and didn't want to stop. I had to turn off the console around midnight."

"Oh yeah, that's only 6 hours of sleep, not much. Avoid falling asleep in class like the other day though. By the way, did your parents say anything when they saw the note from the teacher?"

"They haven't seen it yet..."

"Haha, you'll be in trouble one of these days."

"You look better than yesterday, though," I say.

Nathan doesn't respond, apparently not feeling like talking today either. I don't insist.

Our bus arrives and we arrive a few minutes later at school where I meet several acquaintances. I could have asked Nathan if he could host me, but I prefer to ask others first. Throughout the morning, I ask those I know:

"Sorry Sam, but it's not possible at my place, my stepsister is already in my room," Antoine replies.

"Yeah, no way," Kevin says curtly.

"I'm not here this weekend," Ralph says.

"My parents don't want me to invite people to sleep over," Tony replies.

Well, I think I've covered everyone, I think to myself as I arrive at the cafeteria. I think Nathan heard my requests but didn't offer for me to come to his place. While queuing to enter the cafeteria, I still ask him:

"My parents will have to be away for 3 days from the end of the week and I'm looking for a place to stay, do you think it would be possible at your place?"

"Um... I don't know..."

"Otherwise, I'll have to go with them to a funeral, and I'm not too keen on that."

"You know, my mom, she is..."

"Plus, it would be great," I say, "we could spend some time together."

"I know, yes, that would be nice. I'll ask her tonight and let you know tomorrow."

I don't know if Nathan just doesn't feel like it and uses his mom as an excuse, or if she's really a special case.

The afternoon passes, as usual, very slowly. In the evening, mom asks me and I tell her that I'm waiting for a response from Nathan or more precisely from his mother. Mom tells me they don't know yet and that they'll leave Friday morning and come back Sunday evening.

The next morning at school, Wednesday morning, I quickly find Nathan and ask him what his mother said.

"Oh, I forgot to ask her," Nathan replies.

Hmm... forgot or deliberately forgot...

"You'll ask her tonight, right? My mom needs to know if she needs to inform that I'll come with them. It would be to stay Friday night and Saturday night. My parents come back Sunday."

"I'll ask her but I don't think she'll agree, you know."

Again, I don't get a sincere impression from what Nathan is telling me.

The next morning, at the bus stop, I find myself asking Nathan the question again.

"So, what did your mother say?"

"She didn't say no but... she said it would be better if you checked with someone else."

"I've already asked others, and they really can't. You're the last one who can help me."

"You know, at my place... it's..."

At that moment, the bus arrives and we get on. There are already acquaintances inside and they come towards us, ending the conversation.

It's already Thursday, and my parents leave tomorrow morning. They'll want me to come with them, for sure. Nathan didn't say he didn't want me to come, and his mom didn't say no either.

Today, I'm having a bad day, I even got a detention for next week for pushing another 6th grader who was in my way. It's not my day.

Nathan doesn't bring up our conversation again but I don't forget it. Once home, around 5 pm, mom is already there. She's obviously back earlier than usual, probably to pack our things.

"So, are you staying at Nathan's or not?"

"I don't know. He didn't say no and didn't say yes either."

"So you're coming with us."

"But I don't want to come! And I feel like Nathan didn't even talk to his mother. Mom, please, can we go to their place to ask? It's really close by."

"But if Nathan didn't ask his mother, it's because he doesn't want you to go to his place."

"I don't think that's it either. He was about to talk to me about his mother when we were interrupted."

"Alright, at least you two aren't mad at each other, right?"

"We get along great and I'd be really happy to spend time with him for the weekend."

"Okay, let's go to his place then."

Cool, I'm happy, at least I'll know where I stand, at least if his mother is there. During the few minutes of walking with mom, I cross my fingers that there will be people at Nathan's place.

The car is there, a good sign. Mom knocks on the door and it opens, I recognize Nathan's mom.

"Hello," my mom says, "I'm Samuel's mom."

"Hello ma'am," she replies. "Samuel? I don't know," she says without even looking at me.

Suddenly, her gaze falls on me.

"Oh, but yes, Sam," she says. "Nathan talks a lot about your son, they're friends at school."

"Yes, my son prefers to be called Sam. My son also talks a lot about Nathan, I feel they get along well, yes."

Suddenly, Nathan comes over to his mom but stays behind her.

"I'm sorry to bother you," my mom continues, "but my husband and I have to be away for 3 days starting tomorrow morning to attend a funeral. My son asked yours if he could spend 2 nights at your place and..."

"But of course," Nathan's mom responds, cutting her off. "There's no problem at all. When are you leaving?"

"We're leaving tomorrow morning and coming back Sunday evening. Are you sure this wouldn't bother you?"

"Sure, and certain!"

I see Nathan's mom turn around and look at him for a few seconds. To me, this conversation and that look confirm what I thought: that Nathan didn't even ask his mother. I hope he won't be too mad at me. I look at him, but the room isn't very bright and I can't see his gaze.

"What time are you leaving tomorrow morning?"

"We have a long drive so we'll leave as soon as Samuel is off to school."

"Would it be alright if he stayed here tonight?" Nathan's mom asks.

"Oh, but I wouldn't want to inconvenience you, already two nights is fine."

"If I'm offering, it's because it doesn't bother me."

Mom looks at me and I nod to indicate that I agree. I still can't see Nathan well, it's as if he's hiding.

"Okay then, thank you. It will allow us to leave a bit earlier. I'll bring him over tonight after dinner then, with clothes for 3 days and his school stuff."

"I'm sure Nathan would be happy for Sam to join us for dinner tonight, right Nathan?" she asks, turning towards him.

I don't hear a response from him. It's really strange that his mom is so nice and that he didn't want to talk to her about my need to stay over. He must be hiding something from me, or maybe we're not really friends and he's pretending.

"Bring him over as soon as you can," Nathan's mom continues, "we're not going anywhere and we'll be waiting for you."

"Great, we'll do that, thank you very much. I'll leave you my phone number too."

"Yes, good idea, you never know. See you soon."

"See you in a bit."

Mom and I walk away and quickly return home to pack my things.

[superfluouskeys]

foot update/mental health stuff

so yesterday I went to what I call the overpriced grocery store which honestly is probably a normal priced grocery store these days but I do not wish to believe it, but anyway it’s the only grocery store I can reasonably walk to (and they have a few select items that are either reasonably priced or i will simply buy anyway bc too much of a hassle to get elsewhere) but bc there’s a lot of construction in that area the least insane way to get there is up about three flights of stairs LOL.  and while going upstairs is now more or less okay for me, going DOWNstairs is not, so I wasn’t sure if this adventure would be a good idea but……….i really needed some things LOL.

the grocery trip went really well – I put an ace bandage on my foot just in case and very much shuffled down the stairs leaning on the handrail but it didn’t hurt or anything I was just being extra cautious.  so when I got home I was like, wellllllllll, my foot is already wrapped and I feel good…………dance time???  and of course I was having so much fun even having to be extremely careful that I worked through several dances I thought I could probably handle, I puttered around and did some light cleaning, I paced my apartment a fair amount because idk I was jazzed by the prospect of physical activity LOL

and looking at my fitbit stats I guess I actually did a lot yesterday!  but I felt so good I wasn’t even thinking about it, so today my body is EXHAUSTED and all my stats are bad LOL!  but goddddddd it feels so good to be able to be physically active again, like I KNEW it was gonna be really bad when I hurt my foot, like that was the FIRST thing I thought and what got me so upset was just, this is the only thing keeping me sane, I am going to be so crazy if I can’t use exercise as a stress reliever – and I’ve been thinking a lot that I’m honestly pretty proud of myself for handling the situation as well as I have and not just completely crumbling lol, but even KNOWING that not exercising is a one-way ticket to crazytown I still had this moment yesterday where I was like oh wow I feel normal and not depressed suddenly!!! huh! wonder what could have caused this!

and granted forcing myself to take a few days off + engage in my hobbies was also a contributing factor but like…..I mostly spent Friday catching up on admin tasks and I was absolutely crazy about my class at like 1 am on Saturday morning, and usually just resting to calm down kind of takes a few days to take effect lol like I was pretty sure the extra days off were more of a band-aid to keep me from snapping than an actual solution. 

and idk I think there was some value in having to just……..sit with myself while I was upset.  like I cannot stress how often over the last few weeks I was just sitting in my chair with my foot elevated on another chair, violently sobbing, because I couldn’t even go for a walk LOL.  It was kind of wild to realize that even when I was absolutely spiraling there was still a very sound voice of reason that was just like calmly countering every crazy thought I had even when I couldn’t really feel the truth of it, and I think that’s a real testament to how far I’ve come. and it's also like......it kind of forced me to face what was and wasn't working for me instead of just using intense exercise to cope with it.  BUT I was also like passively suicidal the whole time LOL so it’s definitely better to have the option of physical activity that has maybe a 0.00001 percent failure rate for making me feel better instantly.

I still have to be very careful, and I really think the spectre of having to go back to the foot elevation chair of sorrows will keep me on my best behavior, but WOW this is really going to help me get through the rest of this term with my sense of self intact LOL!

[wanderingandfound]

I am full of so many little aches and pains right now, even ignoring the big, disabling back pain. Potentially TMI under the cut.

Wonder if this sore throat of over a week now (last Monday) is from dry-swallowing so many pills. Like, it's pretty bad this morning and I didn't even use my BiPAP so it's not from my mouth being open while I sleep. (Also before I could breathe through my nose I had that sore throat every morning, and it would go away after a few hours.)

Also, even though I've only been taking my prescription NSAID with food (although wjen I had COVID in December I did not take the ibuprofen with food) I think I've given myself an ulcer. My physical therapy doesn't start for over another week, so I really don't know what to do.

Also, my toe nail finally fell off on Saturday but the new growth only covers like a third, and the broken growth only covers like another third, so I've been using bandages to keep the old nail on but it's hurting again so maybe this is a mistake.

Additionally, I lost my biteguard when I had COVID and have not been able to find it (I'm guessing it's either under my bed or in a haze I took it downstairs in which case who knows). I was kinda hoping maybe my teeth would regrow and align themselves so my bite would go back to being as naturally perfect as it was my entire life before this whole biteguard saga begun. But no. In fact they've seem to have gotten worse. And I know my teeth grinding has gotten worse because every morning I wake up with my teeth and jaw aching, and I didn't used to grind my teeth thay badly.

And to top it all off, now that I'm back at work I'm back to washing my hands and then immediately exiting the building into the cold winter four times a day, so the skin on my hands are starting to crack and that hurts too. I need to get some more lotion because there's still multiple months of cold weather ahead. But also I hate the feeling of lotion.

I've been staying up too late for no good reason at all which means for hours at night my eyes and the head behind my eyes both ache. But that hadn't been enough to get me to put down the phone and laptop and go the fuck to sleep.

And of course, spending all my off-days stuck in bed leads to so many little aches and pains throughout my body. But if I move my back tries to murder me. I hate this I hate this I hate this.

[potatoes83]

Slice of life...

Took my mom to her second chemo appointment today. Besides being supportive, seeing the process also helps me utilize the analytical part of my brain, instead of merely the emotional one that has been silently screaming for over a month. I don't know exactly what all does what, but learned quite a bit today. I know she had seven bags in all, 5 medications, two primaries, I think they called them? Apparently going every two weeks is very aggressive, and see that's the thing, when you say something like that, or this many lesions, or the mass is this many centimeters, I have no frame of reference. I don't know if that's good or bad. And for the love of God, don't Google that shit. Boy howdy was that something I should not have done.

Point being, she is on very aggressive chemo, because the mass is quite large and has grown quickly, and the lesions where it has spread to are plentiful and problematic. It's bad. Not insurmountable, not untreatable, and every day there are better and better advancements in this sort of thing, but this is definitely bad. And I'm really not sitting here all doom and gloom, but as I've said before, I can't sit here and just say that it's going to be okay. Because I don't know that. Because this thing is too big right now. I can't see around the other side of it yet. I am deeply convicted in my faith, but I have to take this thing as it comes in little waves. I cannot yet latch onto a broad form statement of whether it's going to be okay or not. Too soon to tell, as they say. But she has a bunch of very good doctors, and they are all being aggressive as hell to treat this, and she has no intention of giving up, so given the circumstances, you really can't ask for much more than that. And there's a whole awful lot of people pulling for her, praying for her, you name it.

I gave her the prayer blanket from our Parish today as we were on the way up for treatment, and although not of our specific denomination of Christian faith, she really really appreciated it. It is a beautiful ministry. So it's something for her to take with her, put over her lap if she gets cold, wrap her hands in it, whatever. It helped being there today. Just seeing how it all works, even though the vast majority of the time is just sitting there and chatting while the bags go drip drip drip. The place is comfortable enough, the people are very kind and friendly, there's lots of windows to let in the light, I mean given the circumstances, it's about as good as it can be really.

My schedule is completely shithoused now, because if I worked as I did yesterday, and then I'm off today, well obviously that means today must be saturday. Which means tomorrow is sunday, which means that I don't have to go to work, except I have it on good authority that is in fact not the case. Not only do I have to go to work, but there's a work Christmas party tomorrow for the department, and a work Christmas party on friday. And given the circumstances, I still really don't feel like it. I don't want to smile and talk and make a speech, I'd rather just be left alone in my office so I can curl up in a little ball in the corner. That is unfortunately not an option, but I am downright dreading having to go to these parties and put it on.

But we do what we must. And today was good and helpful. It was really nice just spending time with my mom, just bullshitting about this that and the other. And seeing her looking normal. Again, no frame of reference, I don't know if she's sitting there wrapped in a blanket freezing and miserable, throwing up every 5 minutes, laying there barely conscious with tubes hanging out of her, I have no idea what this whole chemo business is supposed to look like. So the fact that she's just sitting there in a comfy chair while we're laughing about days gone by, that was a good thing. It was a good day. And of course, always accepting prayers, because you can never have too many. It's something I really need to do more of myself. 🥔

[just-absolutely-super]

Mini crack

Lan: hmmm

Mega: what?

Lan: I think you can be a like dad sometimes.

Mega: well yeah, he is our dad. There's gonna be similarities

Lan: I meant you can have a scatterbrain moment like him.

Mega: dad is not scatterbrained, and neither am I!

Lan: but you were so excited about your date with Roll to the point you forgot that she was busy with Mayl today, and kinda crashed their piano session

Mega: I-I just forgot which day me and Roll were supposed to go out. It happens. It doesn't make me a scatterbrain

Lan: it does in your case, especially since you're usually on top of everything else.

Mega: no, it doesn't!

Lan: yes it does!

Mega: It’s just the one time! It won’t happen again!

The next week

Mega: Okay so Lan, you need to work on your history paper tonight so don’t be slacking off now. Then tomorrow you’re supposed to get a haircut, soccer practice is Thursday, you’re helping Mom clean the house Friday evening, a NetBattle tournament Saturday, and then Sunday Dad is supposed to take us into the city for a day trip. Homework is supposed to be done every evening and you definitely need to be in bed by 10. Are you getting all that?

Lan: Yeah but you’re forgetting something

Mega: What? I think I have everything down that’s important

*tap tap*

Mega turns around and sees Roll, arms crossed and a neutral expression on her face

Mega: Huh? Roll? What are you doing here?

Roll: Lan’s right, you are forgetting something…

Mega: What? You mean a date? Our date isn’t tonight, it’s tomorrow isn’t it?

Lan: Check your calendar, Megaman…

Mega switches over to another calendar

Mega: Oh…it is tonight

Roll: Need a raincheck, sweetie?

Mega: …Yeah, I do. I need to help Lan with homework…

Roll: I understand. Maybe next time

She kisses his check and logs out. Mega slumps down and groans.

Lan: So…about not being scatterbrained

Mega: Shut. Up.