#in the words of a mother trying to do better in case yours doesnt

[sillyxaly]

Short story.

Talked to my mom, cried to my mom.

And roughly translated she told me in regards to the last post "Even if I was overwhelmed thats not your fault and thats not a reason either." and she also apologized.

And I just thought that might be a sentence some people need to hear because their parents never did say it to them.

You were a child. Even if you were annoying and a lot and overwhelming. Its your parents job to handle that and its not your fault if they can't.

[bahrtofane]

promises under the stars - jude pov

Jude never meant to replace you. But that's how it ended up isn't it. There's no one to blame but himself, no one behind each and every decision that now has him standing at the end of an aisle, waiting for his bride. A bride that isn't you. 

highly highly recommend reading this fic first. or else it kinda doesnt make a whole lot of sense on its own. then come back here. this is kinda like a part 2? kinda

shout out to this anon for this idea ! hope you like it

word count - 2.1K+

watch it - well angst, yet again. pregnancy talks the works. sorry if i used ur name for his wife xoxo. enjooyyy

p.s. - shout out to @anadiasmount for the inspo to create the image at the end ! go read all her stuff yall so good

—————-

He thinks the moment it all comes crumbling down is when he gets word of you getting mobbed. After you've just been to Madrid with him. And he can't do anything about it but send security and hope it doesn't get out of hand. 

He expects you to give up right then and there, curse him and wish for him to have nothing to do with your life again. But you don't. You can never bring yourself to blame him. To hate him.

Then comes your whole family suing him for something completely out of his control. Fresh after your father has threatened him, this is just what they need to come after him legally. 

It's okay because they don't win. Of course they don't. How stupid do you have to be to try and sue for going on vacation for someone you love. He wants to call you every step of the way. But his lawyer warns against it. So he doesn't. And you’re left in the dark.

Do you even know that they've tried to sue?

He can guess what you're thinking. He knows you too well. You think this is him taking an exit from his life. He doesn't want it to be this way. Maybe its for the best after all he finds himself thinking. Back to the thoughts of letting you go for your good as much as his. 

But like most things in life, things get muddy. 

He spends his time in a whirlwind of emotions, all leading back to you. He can not go more than an hour without you in his mind. 

Even if his texting habits dont show it, he wants to talk to you every second of every day. Do you remember when he would call you to complain about the mundane. When he stubbed his toe, or drank out of his mind, pressing his nose against the screen trying to feel you against him. 

Things have changed. He’s no longer the same youthful Jude with a penchant for recklessness. Taking day trips to see you, skirting around paparazzi and your families just to have a moment together.

He misses you, but he’s scared to reach out again. So he remains silent and an onlooker to your life. 

Funny isn't it. World class player with more money than he knows what to do with is scared to text you in fear of what your families will say or do. 

And yet, he can’t stay away for long can he. His resolve breaks on your birthday. Months and years have gone by. Legal cases are drawn out go figure. And he's been so busy with games every few days and events he can never say no too. When he gets home his bones ache, only finding the strength to clean himself up and go to bed. 

When he calls you he realizes maybe it's too late. That waiting for things to blow over have left a gap in your time together. He knows nothing but memories. Your life eludes him. He tries to go back truly, but seeing your story while you're out with friends, smiling- actually smiling. He thinks he better not intrude. 

His mother isn't helping one bit. She's come to the conclusion that the only way to move on and get your family off his back for good is to just move on. Find a “nice sensible girl” she says, smiling.  

Jude doesn't want to. It makes him sick. Kicking and screaming the whole way about it. It’s not a bad idea in theory. Pretend to date someone. Your family gets off his back his family of yours boom you can be happy together again. 

So he can learn who you are again. Find a way into your life. Do you still tilt your head when you're confused? He needs to get back to you. He can't let someone like you leave. He doesn’t just love you, he’s fascinated with the person you’ve grown into. 

The thought of you with anyone else makes him sick. He still loves you, and he makes himself believe that the same is true. 

If only right.

He meets Kaylie in the dead of winter. At a sponsorship event that he completely forgets about and shows up an hour late to. He looks around trying to find his agent but before he can even say his usual rounds of hellos he spots his mother standing with a blonde who clutches her necklace to her chest while she laughs.

This is the start of his own nightmare.

He comes back around when he knows he has to. After taking his sweet time talking to everyone. He tries to look for help to get out of the encounter but it's already too late. His mother is flagging him down. So he walks over, already sweating. 

His mother all but pushes them together. 

“What a couple you two are.” she beams, hands clasped together. 

He gives a tight lipped smile and tries to wiggle his way out the awkward slew of introductions Kaylie gives of herself. But his mother gives him a look, grabbing into his arm and making stand and listen. 

There's a look in his mothers eye, he knows what it means. This is the woman that's supposed to replace you. He feels sick. 

——-

Along the way he thinks that maybe this is what's best for him. For you. 

His family all love Kaylie. And she's sweet enough.

Nothing like you, dragging him into different clubs while you linked arms to get ice cream at the same time.

He finds it hard to keep up with her. Her life is fast paced, more so than his. Every time he calls she's in a different country it seems, catching flights and going to fancy resorts.

You never minded a quiet night in. Its what you loved, being able to exist with him. 

Most of all she doesnt know him. She knows Jude Bellingham. The player, the figure, the celebrity. She doesn't know that he has a bad habit of touching his ears when he's nervous, how his eyes go wide at praise and teasing. How without a hundred reminders and alarms he truly would be late for everything. You always helped getting him to things on time.

When you were both awkward pre teens struggling to make sense of the world, you’d stop by his house to make sure he wouldn’t miss the bus. Sitting next to him on the beaten leather seats, and spitting facts you learned the day before. 

He always listened. He still would today. 

He doesn't think Kaylie’s noticed anything about him. She spends most of their time together taking pictures and flaunting him around. He pretends it doesn't bother him. Is the peace even worth it at this point?

She doesn't know how much he loves making little daisy chains, how much he loved putting them in your hair when you were kids. You’d throw a fit, but he never missed the look in your eyes when his fingers would swoop down to settle them gently. 

Kaylie is beautiful. But she's not beautiful like you. She may have an expensive taste for clothes that allows her to put together a stunning outfit for any occasion, cleavage on display while she pouts her lips and bats her eyelashes for a kiss. Kisses he never gives her. He can't. Not when he knows you wait for him. 

Sure she's great by the average man's standards. But she's not lovely like you. You could be in a trash bag and he'd still think you're the most gorgeous person on the planet. 

He thinks this whole Kaylie thing will blow over, that he'll be able to get back to you. 

And he tells her this. 

He goes through the motions, just to shut everyone up. 

Sitting her down when his mother isn’t around, “I don't love you. I will never be okay. I'm only here to get my mom off my back.”

And she laughs, flicking her hair over her shoulder, “Okay Judey whatever you say,” bracelets clanking together.

The name makes him want to hurl. “Get out of my house.”

Kaylie has got it in her head that she's here to stay. They've gotten into screaming matches because she's gotten her hands on the spare key and spends her days lounging in his house while he's away. They're not even officially dating by any means. 

And he keeps finding her in his bed, in nothing but one of his shirts. Giggling and acting coy. He's losing his patience and losing it fast. 

“Why did you give her the key.” Jude storms into his mothers house. 

She's making tea, swirling a spoon in her mug,”she's your woman isn't she. She needs one.”

“No. She's not my woman and you know that. Everyone that.”

She set the spoon down in the sink, going over to where Jude stands.

“Jude. you need to focus on what's good for you. And she wasn't good. You should be lucky that they didn't win the case. I went and told them about Kaylie and how wonderful she is. Be thankful. “

He's losing his mind. He needs to talk to you. 

He gets the chance when he's back in his hometown. And he sees you. He doesn’t think he could ever miss you, not even in a crowd. A rush of people stop him from running right to you. So instead he texts you. For the first time in ages. 

Was nice seeing you.

He hopes you can read between the lines, that you still know him well enough to understand what he really means. 

I still see you. 

For Jude is a coward. 

——

You dont reply. He forces himself to go back to what hes been forced to know.

Kaylie is all over him, hands roaming his body. There are days when he gives in. Sharing a bed with her as a cruel demented way to find some sort of release from everything that goes on around him.  The look on her face after its all set and done makes him genuinely want to punch something. A look of arrogance, like she's won something. 

And to top it all off he's been called up for England. His life gets even busier, if possible. Trying to keep up with it all proves to be grueling.

But light comes in the form of you. In the form of a single text.

Watched you play tonight. I'm proud of you.

You're proud of him? You watched him? 

The words bring him to near sobs, the light of his phone illuminating his hotel room while hes getting changed into his pjs. It's completely dark, his personal preference. And hes so happy he would fly the damn plane himself to see you. 

Before he can even think of a reply Kaylie tells him she's pregnant. Barging into his room with a little white box in hand. He thinks is some sort of congratulations for the game. Tacky card, maybe a watch. 

When he opens it, his world comes to a halt. Its a single pregnancy test.

He wants to cry. He's too young to be having kids let alone with her. It makes no sense to him. He always used protection the handful of times they did sleep together. Each time he'd only cry in the shower trying to scrub off her smell and the feeling of her touch off of him. She's only a distraction he tells himself. Too late for those words now.

It feels so wrong, so so wrong. He was supposed to be waiting for you and here he is sleeping with another woman. Who's now pregnant. He wants to vomit. 

He's in too deep now. And he can't be a deadbeat dad. 

Thoughts of you get pushed back to his mind while he scrambles to deal with the consequences of his own actions. 

When they get back to Madrid, his mother doesnt let him off easy. Screaming at him till he thinks he's popped an eardrum. And yet there's a gleam in her eyes like she's happy it all worked out this way. Doting on Kaylie and rubbing her belly (that's not even close to showing yet), and calling herself grandma already. 

The next step is obvious. He has to marry her and make it work.

So he does. An impromptu wedding that happens so fast he doesn't even hear the congratulations from everyone. He doesn't know how to break it to you so instead he posts on instagram and tries to figure out what his life has become. 

Jude is nearing 25. He has a kid on the way. He's married. He hates his wife. He hate himself.  Can you ever forgive him?

[satrs]

but what about rin w a reader who has big boobs?? and shes teases him (obliviously) aallll the time. like when they hug, her chest is absolutely pressed against him, and she also has a habit of hugging his arm and naturally, her tits press against his arm aswell and rin doesnt seem to mind it bc hes a titboy <3

On Sight

FEATURING: titlover!rin x fem!reader

TAGS; NSFW CONTENT. MDNI! boob fetish(duhhhh). mention of boobjob. nipple play.

WC; 0.4k

You tease him so much that he can't tell apart between playful teasing and antics that have more to it.

Just like now, after he came home after a quick visit to the store. Your sudden change in behavior was odd to him. An hour or two ago you bid him a quick 'goodbye, see you later' and now you're acting like a clingy child that lost their mother in the store? Something's off.

"Missed you, Rinnie." He rolled his eyes in response, trying his best to act annoyed but your tits pressing up against him was making it hard for him to do so, Adam's apple bopping as he swallowed heavily.

You eyed him, hiding your smirk in his chest at the slightly visible tint of red on his cheeks, hugging him even tighter to get a reaction out of him.

He finally tore from your hold, eyes frowning in irritation. "What's up with you? I've been gone for barely two-" He stumbled over his words as his gaze crept down to your chest, noticing the fancy lace lingerie, lace perfectly wrapping around your breasts, pushing the fat of your tits forward, nipples barely covered by the cloth, leaving little to no room for the imagination.

Your teasing smirk didn't do your case any better, your innocent facade crumbling under his gaze. "Hmm?"

It's not long after that he rips the lace from you, groaning at the sight of your plush chest spilling out, bouncing at the impact, burying his face between them right after.

"You always do this", he groaned, momentarily detaching his mouth from your nipple, earning a whine in return. "Teasing me like that", he eyed you from his position, finger flicking your abandoned nipple, a yelp escaping you.

"You want me to do this, do you?" You bit your lip in embarrassment, hips twitching up as he rolled his tongue around your areola, letting his hands take a harsh hold on your tits, a painful cry audible from you.

"Want me to squezee your perfect tits together like this", he pushed them upwards, fat spilling from the gaps of his fingers as he squeezed them together, dick twitching in his pants at the lewd sight, "And put my dick between them? Fuck your tits and paint them in my cum?"

Curses fly past his lips at your eager nodd, mouth replacing his hand as he rolled your nipple between his teeth in a playful manner, turquoise orbs not leaving your face.

"God, so big, so perfect." His hips bucked into yours, clothes gifting you slight friction while his hands shamelessly grope your chest harshly, peppering apologetic kisses to them right after. "Could kiss and squeeze them all day."

And he did keep his word.

©︎𝐊-𝐀𝐙𝐔𝐒. all rights reserved. Do NOT plagiarize, copy, modify, republish, or translate my work in any way!

[taffingtons]

fledgling hope dead in the nest // fic series: but i can't stop [word count: 529]

"Your son, Shaun. Great kid. A little older than you may have expected, but I'm guessing you figured that out by now."

"My… son?"

The confusion in her voice is so unmistakeable it stops Kellogg short. Silence hangs in the air for a moment. She breaks the stillness with a slow shake of her head and a deep furrow of her brow.

"Shaun…" Her voice wavers, but her eye contact with Kellogg remains unshaken. "Shaun isn't my son."

-------

That isn't his mother.

It does provide a reasonable explanation to the questions raised about her behavior observed by the Watchers and reported by surface informants — But only some of them. It certainly only raises more than it answers.

She introduced herself, consistently, as "Elle Days," rather than the "Zetta Reynolds" dictated in the Vault-Tec records. She never spoke of a dead husband, a missing child, or the Pre-War world. Only of seeking mercenary work and seeking Kellogg.

She took to the wasteland like a duck to water, like she belonged there, rather than the clean, organized America from before the bombs. Zetta, according to records, was supposed to be a mechanic. A roboticist, like Shaun. She didn't have the military background her husband did, and by all rights, shouldn't have adapted to the violence and the decay so quickly.

She didn't ask of Kellogg, "who's Shaun?" She's familiar with him. She knew his father by name, knew him personally, based on their conversation.

But she isn't his mother.

-------

"Father? Is something wrong?"

Shaun lowers his eyes to S9-23 beside him. The synth child is looking up, beseeching, dark eyes large and round with concern. There's something to be said about being seen so keenly by the spitting image of your inner child. Shaun doesn't have clear memories of being that age, but he remembers struggling with the expectations of those around him. Of trying to predict their moods, so he might better know how to compensate accordingly.

That S9 is picking up on his lack of focus today is a sign that the project continues to be successful.

"Nothing you need to worry about," Shaun tells him, patting the synth atop his head. "Nothing has changed. Continue your work."

"Yes, Father."

-------

He had contingencies in place for this.

Not this set of circumstances, precisely. But in case his experiment failed.

It hasn't entirely failed — She's still seeking him. The revelations she found at Fort Hagen haven't slown her down. He doesn't have any intention of stopping her quest to find the Institute. He's curious if she's capable of succeeding, what methods she'll use, and he wants the answers only she can give him.

But in the grand scheme, his experiment failed.

Shaun has never believed in jeopardizing his goals by relying on one result. There are always too many factors outside of one's control. He will see the Institute secure before the end. No matter what he has to do to guarantee it.

He had always known this might not turn out the way his inner child hoped. And he knows that, ultimately, he hasn't lost anything he hasn't already lived without all these years.

It's time to move on.

------------------------------------------

notes:

(shoutouts to @kasualkaymer and @fablewritesnonsense for liking my post earlier, mwah mwah sorry kay i know you don't go here and so you have no context)

this ficbite is tied to the series i've been working on, but i can't stop, where my girl elle works her way through fo4 But Shit's Different, in no small part because she isn't a nora. in this piece, i wanted to hash out how shaun would react to this news bc it affects how he moves forward in planning. the answer was. it doesnt change shit. and i feel like i shoulda seen that coming... but! for me, he's one of those characters that i really have to sit down with and get in his head in order for everything to become clear. so, here we are

i love writing shaun. seriously, i LOVE writing shaun. and i love characters who have deadpan unemotional inner voices even when there's emotional upheaval going on. and, yeah, that's what's happening here!

for the record: i do believe shaun can come to genuinely care for the sole survivor -- and he hopes that he WILL. but he doesn't automatically love them. he doesn't know them. they were never a part of his waking life. he was kidnapped, yes, but the way he looks at his situation... effectively, he was adopted. he never knew his birth parents, and didn't feel the need to until he started facing down his own mortality. he's sixty years old, he's lived his entire life without them. he's curious, and he wants to connect with them, but he isn't automatically attached on the merit of blood alone

he describes releasing the sole survivor as an experiment, and i do think he genuinely views it that way -- but it's not completely cold. it's an experiment to see if his parent would still care about him, still love him, still want him, even after everything. he doesn't trust people as a whole, so even if he wants to believe his parent will look for him, he can't trust they will without evidence

but at the same time -- the S9-23 project existed before he released them. (he was probably thinking about doing it for a long time. was he waiting for the opportune moment? was he trying to make up his mind whether he really wanted to? if he was going to let himself want it?) and moreso, he clearly was prepared to hand his parent the keys to the castle if they proved they would side with the institute. he thought that through -- he planned that. he wanted it. he's so angry and bitter if it gets thrown in his face -- that the sole survivor doesn't see how great the institute is (in shaun's bias), that he's right (in his mind), yes, it's an arrogance thing, but it also feels like a betrayal to him. which means he extended trust to them

his utmost goal is to guarantee the institute will be safe after he's gone -- everything he does, all of his most recent plans, is towards that end. and he wants to trust its future to his parent. he wants to hand his parent the thing that matters most to him, and trust that they'll do (what he considers) right by it

of course he'd be, on some level, crushed to find out that the person he let out isn't his parent. (in this scenario, that is.) he wanted to meet his mom. he lined up all his dominoes with that expectation... prepared himself for what he thought she would be like, based on what little information he had... only to discover -- that isn't her. that's not zetta reynolds. that's someone else completely

and maybe she'll still be useful to him. he certainly has to find out what the actual fuck is going on there. but... that's not his mom

it's just that shaun doesn't experience or express emotions like most people. (and i have more headcanons as to why, but i've talked long enough lol...) and i would love to write more shaunfic, but i worry that there's too much between the lines, so i'd need to figure out a way to get the emotion across more strongly despite that... idk, tell me what y'all think!

[marshmallowprotection]

hi hi i hope this is okay </3 ive never sent an ask in to you before, firsts always make me nervous.

Ive been fiddling around with the idea of Saeyoung with an MC who had a similar childhood to him and was wondering what your thoughts were!! By similar, I mean.. very similar. Younger siblings, shitty/abusive parents, running away as a teenager to try and find a way to get their sibling(s) away from their mother, ultimately doesnt get very far (only gets further isolated from siblings due to outside causes).

i hope this isnt like. too specific or outside your comfort zone lolol ive mostly been thinking of it bc i also grew up in a similar environment and recently got super into mysme again and was curious to see one of my favorite people in the community’s thoughts and opinions lolol

Well, first and foremost, your MC is meant to be who you want them to be. You can give your character any background you want to give them because you're the one cultivating the story. If you feel a strong sense of comfort by having your MC share your background to bring you peace and compassion, then you have every right to do that. 

The sweetest MCs often share facets of our personalities, after all. I put a little touch of myself into my all my CMCs and it helps me flesh them out to be more human, and in some cases, it helps me learn the best way to confront whatever I shared with that character!

So, Saeyoung with an MC who fully knows what it feels like to be in a situation where you're trapped and you can only pray every night that someday, you'll find a way out.

It gives you a unique position to sit next to him and empathize with what he's going through. Even if your situations aren't the exact same, you still understand what's happened to him and that means when you speak to him from the heart about your experiences, he'll know where you're coming from and he'll be able to open up to you a little bit faster than he would with someone who grew up in an environment that wasn't anything like what he went through. It's not to say that you'll have a better chance at talking to him because he can be a tough nut to crack, it's just that your words will resonate in a way that he can't deny.

He doesn't like the idea that somebody he cares about has gone through anything difficult and awful in their life, and it might be a bit tough to share your history with him because that might make him want to have you leave him even more. He wouldn't want to make your life more difficult than it already has been, so that'll be an interesting conversation to have with him about what you feel, what you can handle, and how you wanting to be with him isn't a burden.

You could take this a long way by really flushing out a healthy conversation with him about why he tries to minimize what he suffered for the sake of maximizing what somebody else went through. He's the kind of person who beats himself up because “it wasn't that bad for him, it was much worse for his brother.” You have the unique position to hold his hand and let him know that he suffered, too, and it's okay to talk about it. 

If this is a comfort scenario for you, you can take this anywhere, my friend.

[dann-art]

I haven't read TVA yet and was wondering how exactly it treated Armand's origins. I didn't expect it would be this bad. I'm dreading it now, cause I know I'll be so mad at all the ignorance. Why did she even go there if she wasn't going to do basic research? "Oh, let me take this foreign region I know nothing about and treat its geography and history like my own personal headcanon". God, Anne, I love your characters and your philosophy, but sometimes you really test me.

On the other hand it makes me happy that we got Assad and the show will probably have a different story of Armand's roots, hopefully done with more research and care.

Okay this contrains spoilers from TVA i guess

I mean, it's like you know. You read it and you feel like time and place doesn't really matter. First of all, I can't really tell, I don't know a lot about orthodox church, i can tell you dates of Major events in It, like some basic things i reaserched once for school. My knowlegde Is based on Wikipedia, what i learned in school, and some Russia literature (but like from XIX century so that's not helping)

But well Its treaded very poorly. Like of course its described as Its cold, a lot of snow, vert dark and poor. That's whole description of place. It fell It happens in the North, liké you know, Taiga. First thing you Imagine when you here Sibir (well also not entirely accurate for that region but you know what I mean), when in reality Kiev is located nearer the Eurasian steppe (or on that area im not sure) but the climate there is different lol. Like no way It was all covered in snow during fucking easter, i know, wheather abominations are thé thing (like this year there were days in early April it was so hot we went swimming, and that's not normal) but come on, that's not normal.

Another thing, whole backstory of Armand with creating icons. Like first of all, icons are written not painted (that might be fault of translation, or English terminology tho, I'm not an expert). I don't know a lot of the process, like one video make by monk who creates them, but the whole process in the book is described like i feel somethings wrong. But well its kinda weird, all of this monastery experience Is Just weird like, no way. But i Simply dont know enough to talk about (and suprisingly probalby more than the author, which Is funny liké girl, learn about what you're writing).

There was also a moment when easter eggs are treaded liké It was some very big treasure. Priceless thing. And again im not orthodox i dont know of their traditions, but if feels exagérated a little bit. I know It was diffent time, and Place and mentality and all. But we like eat them. Decorate, take to church and then eat for easter breakfast (catholics, Poland) and i dont think orthodox churxh is vert different, i can try to talk to friends who have orthodox family but well what else would you do with that. So the Moment Armand keeps the egg he got front his mother Its liké okay, She could do that, but Armand bestie its a fucking egg. Normal boiled egg, its gonna expire before you even go back to Venice. What was the idea to keep It. Liké that doesnt make any sens.

I understand like cultural or historical inaccuracies, but knowlegde about the fact that you can't keep an egg forever Is common knowlegde lol.

And theres not much more to say simply because the Field Is not further explored (for better in this case i believe). He could as well come from Sweden, or Spain, or Greece or whatever Place. Like all of the baxkstories with historical setting are written like they Can happen in any place and any time, because the setting isn't determining anything really.

What id liké to mention that this orthodox/bisanthin (I'm not sure about the word) art is some kind of obscure and cold. Like Have you ever seeen It??? Its so beautifull and all Golden, decorated and i just love It. Liké guess more accurate would be set the story a century later, in some empty protestant temple lol.

But yeah im sooooo excited about what show will do with Armands backstory. They Always do a good work so i know they wont dissapoint me.

And yeah im kinda sad in the same time, they didnt keep the original (with fixing It off, because Jesus Christ, what Is this), because i would be nice to explore the region and orthodox culture which is so fascinanting. (cossak armand just a hundread year and we couldve had it all It would be soo cool)

[wishbowl]

𝕾𝖑𝖊𝖊𝖕

My sleep has gotten significantly better since I ‘quit’ pot, well I didn't but I do smoke a whole lot less…and by significantly better I mean I’ve gotten sleep.

Also, I've actually started dreaming again, mind you they are mostly nightmares but they are SO fucked up to the point where I realize I'm in a dream so I just do something so out of pocket that I just wake up. Also, nightmares or maybe reality itself has become so numbing that I no longer wake up from them scared and shaky, i usually just roll over and reach for my vape and scroll through reels until the ick wears off. And then if it was interesting enough I'd open up the notes app and write about it.

Again, HUGE emphasis on better sleep because to a regular person, it's probably not close to a normal amount of hours but I've been trying.

And when I do get to sleep I don't seem to do it consistently as in I wake up multiple times a night. 

I don't know when exactly my sleep got so bad or better yet, when exactly it was that I had ‘good’ sleep because I honestly don't know the answer to either of those questions.

I've been trying to cut back on caffeine at least after a certain point in the day. Mind you it's not exactly 2 pm like the doctors advised you to but still an improvement from 3 am sips off of old monster cans because you can't be bothered to get up to get water from the kitchen. 

I know sometimes it's the case of the book being too good to put down but that whole reading a book before bed thing is actually usually a good idea (or at least a better one than being on your fucking glowing rectangle).

Also just listening to an audiobook or a headspace thing or even just blank noise while you read will probably also help do the trick and maybe I should get back into all of that.

I want to have good sleep, and to get to sleep and to wake up from it energized would it be pushing it if I say be excited to start my day?

Every single family member seems to shove the word meditation in your face whenever the topic of sleep, or more so the lack thereof is brought up. The idea of meditation scares me.

I'm so terrified of facing my thoughts that is why I like reading as it's the perfect form of escapism. 

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've written on this and taken a few days to marinate with this information even had a semi-normal parent-to-child conversation about it and they softened somewhat helpful suggestions… of course, some of them will not be tried and tested like the MILK because I fucking hate milk, but I will take up mothers offer to ask for an appointment about the nightmares.

THAT and having a schedule, well more so a nightly routine as the girlies call it. I think 10 pm is a decent time to start my night routine and doesn't sound as insane as brushing my teeth at 9 pm. 

I think it doesnt have to be complicated necessarily but brushing my teeth braiding my hair and putting on comfy socks sounds like a good enough start for me. That and reading and we shall see how it goes.

[thedivinershiddenarchive]

idk how many incest-related or yandere requests you're getting but. okay hear me out for a moment. "healing" sex with big brother yan!tartaglia and mute!reader.

i say "healing" in quotations because he's not only manipulating her, into doing this, but he made a move the moment she's at a very vulnerable state (remembering her past). he's so good with his words that he fully convinces her that he'll "protect" her, that this will give some form of "closure." don't get me wrong he cares deeply about his step-sister ofc, but good lord the way he expresses it.

probably takes advantage of her (like praising her ig) just to let her trust him more so he can have her all for himself. he doesn't directly say it, but he makes sure she knows she belongs to him, whether she likes it or not. in this case, she probably does?? ig?? (it doesnt have to be mute!reader btw, if you want to change it to a different reader then go for it)

[Most likely referenced to Secrets can be kept in Snow]

cw. st3pc3st, yandere!childe x mute!fem!reader, possesive and manipulative AND unhealthy behavior, (reader's) family trauma, d4cryphili4, marking/h1ck3ys, usage of "princess", usage of childe's real name, arguments (childe's father & reader's mother), childe is s4distic

a/n. sorry yall, there are too much full fic requests and i'm extremely unmotivated so i'm gonna be doing thirsts.. idek if i call these thirsts bcus they're so goddang long for some reason.

masterlist | tag system | 17- & MASC-ALIGNED PLEASE DNI! THIS IS ONLY FOR FEMALE AUDIENCES.

I can see how manipulative he can be when it's in his POV rather than yours. Childe's wit most likely improved after he trained to become a Harbinger. Don't misunderstand him; he was initially protective of you because you couldn't defend yourself through talking or fighting. You weren't that type of person. He was.

Let's say, you haven't fully healed yet after your first time. You still cling onto him like a leech, the arguments your mother and Childe's father get into are not often but they happen and they remind you of your past. He wanted to help you so you let him, let him do whatever he wants to heal your trauma and you don't think twice about it. Why would you when he's being so sweet and helpful?

He'd do it with you many times, saying it was part of the process. You would trust his words blindly, never knowing his true intentions with you. His sweet praises on how good of a girl you are for him and how you're taking him so well while you sit on his lap and whimpering at the feeling of him stretching you out. You felt so good around him he couldn't help hugging you tightly and whispering for you to stay quiet. Ajax knows you feel good but you can't risk the two of you being caught.

We can also see how much our dear stepbrother becomes really posessive over you too. You're pretty easy to persuade and it isn't hard for Ajax to eliminate any other men in your life that could try to steal you away from him. Of course, not a lot of people know about the eleventh harbinger's family so he could easily take you out to places and act all affectionate. The two of you look nothing alike so it wasn't a problem to act like a couple.

Your cries and sounds, they're the reasons why he's still alive in the first place. Your whining as he fills you to the brim. It was those nights again where he'd visit your room for the healing process. Where he'll go gentle with you and sing praises into your ears when you get emotional from it. He knows how much this reminds you of your past and he does his best to comfort you (to get you to trust him more).

The process would include a lot of foreplay, Childe knows you're not used to his touches yet since they make you feel weird. Especially when they get intimate but you try and be brave for him. Taking the kisses he gives you on your neck and chest, his fingers tickling your clothed cunt.

And once he's inside of your sweet pussy, oh his touches just get even better (and physical). His hand carefully pulling your head back to mark your neck all over, don't worry, he'll make sure to have his scarf around you and tell the others that you were feeling too cold and that he was more than capable of taking care of you so they won't know about the hickeys.

Childe's love for you is genuine and everlasting, he wouldn't go rough on you if you didn't ask for it. Hell, you've been giving him everything he ever wanted and you're behaving well. It wouldn't be fair if he didn't do the same. He promises to make you feel good, make you feel safe. And he doesn't break his promises.

"Ah," he'll moan into your ear, "Feel so good, princess. J-just like that, fuck.." he groans, hugging you tightly, his face into your neck and sniffing your scent. Your gasps can be heard inside the room as well as the slapping of skin, "Doing so good for me, yeah? Being a good girl for me?" Ajax growls, biting into your skin lightly. You only sobbed, limping onto him. Tonight, you heard your mother's arguments towards Ajax's father and it was about you. Ajax knows how that makes you weak, especially when the arguments get physical or violent but that never happens, his father was a reasonable man and so was Ajax. He didn't blame you for being emotional so he wanted to comfort you.

Your parents' shouts are as loud as ever but he was making sure you didn't hear it by soughing into your ears, just not loud enough to deafen the whole thing. Your vulnerable state was the reason he could have you to himself to care for in the first place. "It's alright, darling. Nothing's gonna hurt you and if there is, they're gonna have to get through me first.." he chuckles, pulling your body closer to his.

Your pretty moans and sounds, they get him going as well as your tears. He'd lick them away and savor your face as you turn into a sobbing, hiccuping mess on him. Ajax doesn't like seeing you sad, especially if it isn't in this kind of way. Even after the healing process has finished, he'd ask for another round. Saying he felt unsatisfied and that it wasn't enough to comfort you. You just let yourself go and concede into his embrace as you just let him do what he wants with you. You don't know better but that's fine, he says. He can handle it.

© notsodivininglover 2023. reposting, plagiarizing, translating or claiming my works are strictly forbiddened.

[remi-harbinger]

ok heres the first part of the list, theyre mostly game/system based novels and xianxia ish+ my thoughts (for some)!! ill add more when i rememebr them

Supernatural Movie Actor App

This was quite literally the novel that got me hooked on bl novels,, after this there was no going back urghghhg no one gets this like me i love it so much i have a spiritual connection to this novel if you dont read any other novel in the list at least give this one a try the author is such a genius and i love the MC so much!!!1 worldbuilding in this is actually delicious

I Became A God in a Horror Game

ohhhh this was soooooo scrumptious... the characters are the best part of this story, every single one of them are complicated and the author doesn't just forget about them halfway like some of the other stories ive read, and the plot twists and plotting makes this novel one of the best + i love the rose perfume arc

After the Disabled God of War Became My Concubine

Rebirth of the Wolfish Silkpants Bottom

I giggled reading this novel so

I Can Do It

STRONGLY RECOMMEND AHHHHH I wish Soft were real id be a mother fan,,, the reviews of this novel are a little low because readers are upset about the korean arc but I think that every novel will have their villains and in this case bc its world championships theres going to have to be an opposing country? I didnt really see it tbh. Its a really good novel so don't get put off by the comments !!!

Your Memes Are Better Looking Than You

PUBG Online Romance of the Century

The E-Sports Circle’s Toxic Assembly Camp

Path of the Cannon Fodder's Counterattack

The Counterattack Plan of A Villain With Ten Thousand Fans

This one has strong themes of cannibalism bc the MC has this urge because of his backstory (I cant reveal any more than this) but I think its a good novel,, there is adopted son-father things though but skipping that arc doesnt rly impact the story

Misplacement Game

Bursting After He Transmigrated into the Cannon Fodder Omega

I don't really read ABO bc I don't like the dynamics it introduces but this one was almost completely mary sue + i love mary sue novels

Transmigrated into a School Idol and Forced to Do Business

Mr. Melancholy Wants to Live a Peaceful Life

special note: i love the translator so so much E Danglars if ur out there thank you so much one of the best translations

The Obsessive Shou Moves On

Okay so this one is TRUE toxic yaoi so if you cant take it dont read it + the jealousy on both sides can get a little annoying, dont be worried about the low rating bc we all know im the true yaoi enjoyer so my word is law

Lord Seventh

This one is genuinely so good but I didn't like the ending because it felt a little abrupt and some other stuff that i posted about before

After a Flash Marriage With the Disabled Tyrant

Saving the Tragic Adonis

This Omega is Sweet and Wild

The Slag Gong wants to Kill me

This one has a writing style different from usual novels but was translated well and the revenge was satisfying

Yep that's all for now ill post more soon if this one gets enough notes (same SOP)

if uve read abt these like,, dm me or something im going crazy

edit: idk where normally tagging people goes so the people who wanted to be tagged ur tagged here <3 @kanonavi @sentientcanvas @liverbiver9 @memorymural @ladyrunestone

@fishfilletinacan @bunnyanonn man i hope this works

okay no hate to the mega popular bl novels like svsss and mdzs but there are so many smaller ones that are just as good if not even better (in my humble opinion dont come for me), and their fandoms are so small there isnt even any fanfics about them on ao3,, so im left with all these feelings and no people that can relate... ill make a list of novel recs if this post gets enough notes

[atlabeth]

(not so) simple pt2 - anthony bridgerton

masterlist

summary: coercing lord bridgerton into pretending to court you to avoid the affections of a baron is very simple — that is, until it isn't.

a/n: okayyy attempt no2 in trying to get this thing to show up in tags lol. i worked way too hard on this for it to just be invisible and idk what word i used that tumblr doesnt like but im gonna try again lmao (thank u naomi for the advice)

im gonna keep the other one for now so there's just gonna be two versions of this floating around for a lil lol. hopefully this works

wc: 7.1k

warning(s): historical inaccuracies, basically all fluff

Anthony had a surprising pep in his step as he returned to his estate. Promenading around the marketplace with you was… nice. He had to admit it. The reticule he’d selected for you went perfectly with your dress—another thing he had to admit, you looked quite lovely in blue. 

He blinked a few times. This ruse was already getting to his head.  

But as nice as the promenade was, it was certainly not in his schedule, and so once he passed through into his estate with nods of greeting to the doormen, he had the intent of heading straight to his office. He was not given the chance, though, when he saw his mother coming down the stairs. Anthony had the briefest thought of avoiding her, but only one look at her showed that he would not get the chance even if he wanted it. 

“You were gone quite early today, Anthony,” she said with a slight smile, folding her hands in front of her as she stopped in front of him. “I don’t suppose this has anything to do with Miss Worthing.” 

“And if it does?” he asked offhandedly. 

“Then I am very proud of you,” Violet said. “If Miss Y/N will make you happy, then I see no reason for you not to pursue her. She is a lovely lady with an amiable family—it is all the better that we are already good friends.”

Anthony hummed in acknowledgment. He almost wished his mother did not approve of you so — he did not know if he would have the heart to explain to her the reality of their situation once the two of you parted ways. 

“Is there anything else you would like to tell me?” she asked, and though her tone was pointedly innocent, Anthony was well aware she wanted to fish for anything she could find. 

“We enjoyed a lovely promenade this morning,” Anthony said, “that is all. And as much as I am enjoying this interrogation, there is work I must attend to.”

She gave him a knowing smile as she bowed her head. “Of course, dearest. Enjoy the rest of your morning. Just do not forget to break your fast.” 

He nodded back at her politely before he continued on to his office. When he opened the door, though, he nearly jumped out of his skin. 

“Anthony!” Eloise popped up from her seat—her smile was inviting, but all the years of living with her had taught Anthony that, in the case of his dearest sister, appearances were often deceiving. 

“Eloise,” he said stiffly, trying to hide his obvious shock at his sister’s appearance to avoid any teasing as he walked behind his desk, gathering some papers and stacking them just to give his hands something to do, “may I ask what you are doing in here?” 

“You may,” she said as she placed her hands on the top of the chair, “but only if I am allowed to ask a question of my own.” 

“Do I even want to know?” he asked dryly. 

She did not give him the opportunity to back out. “I am here because you have decided to court my best friend. Which leads into my question—why, for the love of all that is good, have you decided to court my best friend?” 

Anthony laughed and shook his head. “So that is what this is about? I am courting Miss Worthing because I am a man in need of a wife and she is a woman in need of a husband. Is that simple enough for you?” 

Eloise shook her head. “Explain to me, brother, in true form, why you have decided to take away my best friend in quite possibly the worst way.” 

Anthony frowned. “I do not see how I have taken her away from you.” 

“You are courting her!” she exclaimed, “you are to marry her! Anthony, you are going to marry my best friend! That is the most horrid thing I have ever heard of!” 

“I am not forcing her into a marriage, Eloise,” Anthony said. “Have you considered that she is the one that approached me in the first place?” 

Eloise scoffed. “She would never do such an ill minded thing. And frankly, I cannot see why you would engage in activity like this, with her of all women! Not even a day earlier we were airing our frustrations at the very concept of marriage, all the while you could not cease your ranting of her apparent misgivings, and now you are not only courting her, but she is allowing you to do so willingly?” She threw up her hands in disbelief. “It is unforeseeable!” 

“Unfor— unforeseeable?” Anthony could not help but laugh at his sister’s dramatics. “Eloise, is my courting of Miss Worthing truly that strange? She is the sole child of one of the ton’s poorer families, and she is rapidly approaching spinster age. Perhaps she has finally realized her views will not help her family and this is her attempt to make amends before it is too late.” 

Eloise shook her head as she finally sat down. “You do not know Y/N like I do, dearest brother. We were due to meet for a promenade of our own tomorrow, but if she is so capable of providing you with one, then I assume she is more than willing to indulge my presence this morning instead.” 

“Eloise—” Anthony started, and she looked at him with raised brows as he rapidly stood up from his desk, nearly poised to lunge over the thing. 

“Such athletics,” she remarked, and he huffed. 

Anthony walked around his desk to the door and glanced outside to ensure their privacy, and then he shut it behind him. Though all of their employees were loyal and trustworthy, he was well aware of what insidious gossips some of the staff could be when they had something good enough in their hands. “If I am to inform you of… further knowledge, you must promise not to speak a word of it to anyone.” 

Eloise could barely manage to hide her excitement. “So there is something you are not telling me!” 

He sighed deeply and pressed a hand to his forehead. “It is not… a true courtship, in a matter of words. She wanted to avoid a betrothal to Lord Cardew, and so she approached me that night and all but begged me to act as her courter. I agreed, and we are now each other’s fake partners for our own benefit. We both get to dodge any suitors that may come our way, and we will part from each other at the end of the season as spinster and rake alike.”

Her eyes widened. “You must be joking.”

Anthony shook his head. “Regretfully, I am not. What possessed me to accept her offer the other night I am not quite sure, but regardless of it all, we are bound to each other for the length of the season.”

“But it is nothing more than a scheme,” she said, “right?” 

“Yes,” he assured. “There is nothing between us, and we are certainly not to be wed. You need not worry.” 

Eloise sighed. “Anthony Bridgerton, I do not think I will ever understand what goes on in your mind.”

He offered a thin smile. “Nor I, sister. But now that you know something with quite a bit of weight—”

“I will not repeat a word,” she confirmed with a nod. “You needn’t worry. But, ah—” Eloise gave him a coy smile— “you will need to worry about nearly every other thing. We are such close friends for a reason.”

Anthony simply sighed. “You are truly skilled at lifting spirits.”

“I know,” she said happily. 

And as Eloise turned to leave, she stopped by the door, her eyes twinkling with amusement. “You know, brother—I think I will enjoy this season after all.”

Anthony sat back down as he rubbed his hand against his forehead, heaving another labored sigh. It was hardly even past the time to break his fast and he was already exhausted. 

When even Eloise was on board with this horrible idea solely for her own enjoyment of a surely sinking ship, he knew he was certainly in for something.

-

You did not think you would ever truly get used to this.

You may have despised the season, the ton, and everything it stood for, but that did not mean you were immune to marveling at the riches of your peers. The Kennington estate was far grander than you could have ever imagined, and though you despised it, you could not help the streak of jealousy that ran through you at the sight — perhaps if your family were blessed with riches of this sort, you would not be depended on so heavily to find a husband. 

Nevertheless, you were expected to be at the ball, which Lady Kennington had decreed an event that absolutely could not be missed. After her daughter had been chosen as the season’s diamond by word of the queen, she had gained a bit of an ego. It was no surprise, then, that the party was something so extravagant. 

When you arrived, men and women were twirling across the dance floor together, their movements fluid as water. Musicians sat together off to the side, stringed instruments played in perfect harmony, and of course, in the midst of it all, members of the ton stood, watching and gossiping. 

You inhaled deeply and let it out slowly, trying not to let your nerves get the best of you before anything had even taken place. With the exuberance of it all, it was difficult not to be overwhelmed, but knowing you had the protection of Anthony’s courtship eased your worries the slightest bit. While an overly pushy suitor may not have listened to you, they would certainly listen to the Viscount Bridgerton. 

It was as if the universe were capable of reading your mind—the moment you thought of Anthony, your mother was leaning to whisper in your ear. 

“The Viscount and Lady Bridgerton are coming this way,” she murmured. “Please, do not act out in front of your future mother-in-law.” 

“Mother-in-law—!” you began to protest, but you were unable to get any more out as a wide smile took over your mother’s features, and she jabbed you lightly with her shoulder to force your posture to straighten. 

“Lady Bridgerton!” she exclaimed as they stopped in front of the two of you—Anthony bowed as a courtesy, and it was an effort to hide your amusement. “Viscount Bridgerton! How wonderful it is to see the two of you. Violet, you look just as lovely as ever.” 

“You are too kind,” Violet said with a smile. “It is just as good to see you as well, Cecilia. And my dear,” she looked to you, “you are a sure sight to see! I can hardly believe you’ve debuted—it seemed only yesterday you and Eloise were playing together in the drawing room.” 

You smiled at the memory. Conversation with the Bridgertons had always been pleasant—your ruse did not need to change that. “Thank you, Lady Bridgerton. I admit that I certainly miss those days, before all the responsibilities of a debut. Though I cannot say that my visits with Eloise will cease anytime soon.” 

“And I do not expect them to��we enjoy your company far too much.” Violet then chuckled. “I allowed her to stay at home with the promise that she practice the pianoforte during the evening. Tell me, do I have a chance at all of her listening to my request, or will I return to the estate to see her reading in the same position I left her?” 

You grinned. “I am certain you know the answer to that, Lady Bridgerton.” 

“Oh, please,” she brushed off your words with a wave of her hand, “there is no need for titles. Violet will be just fine—you are to be a part of our family soon anyway, if what I hear from my son is true.” 

Anthony’s eyes widened, his cheeks flushing red. How amusing that a simple sentence could revert him back to a blushing young man. “Mother!” 

Of course, you could not poke fun at the viscount in any way—you were sure you looked similar, what with the way you felt the heat rush to your cheeks and your eyes widen as well. Your words came out in a stammer: “I— well, I—” 

“Oh, you needn’t be so coy,” your mother teased. “A gentleman would certainly be nervous around the lady he is courting, especially one so beautiful as my daughter.” 

Anthony cleared his throat as he offered you a smile of his own, trying his best to recover from the embarrassment. “Yes, Miss Worthing. You are the image of perfection tonight in that shade of pink.” 

You could not even imagine putting up with these compliments for the rest of the season—it was far better than dealing with real advances from real suitors, of course, but you did not know if you would be able to stifle your laughter every time Anthony had to flirt with you in the presence of your mothers. 

“Thank you, my lord.” You bowed your head slightly in place of a curtsy. “You look quite… spiffing yourself.” 

The way Anthony was barely able to hide the mirth in his expression, you knew he was amused by your choice of words. If he made fun of you for it, you would blame it on your mothers. Your act did have to be convincing. 

You were just able to catch Violet’s pointed glance at her son before Anthony stepped forward and offered his hand. “I’d be honored to have your first dance of the night, my lady, if you would so indulge me.”

You did not have to look at your mother to know she was doing the same to you—you decided to save her the pain as you offered a practiced smile and took Anthony’s hand. “It would be a pleasure, my lord.” 

You entered the dance floor at the perfect time, just when the musicians were beginning a new song, and you took your place across from Anthony. You did not even need to ask what was on his mind as you began your side of the dance, the mirth in his expression telling you all you needed to know.  

“I’m not talking because I am focusing on my steps,” you muttered. “I am not as skilled at dancing as I am at many other things.” 

His lips quirked up at the edges. “So you mean to say you are better at irritating me than dancing with me?” 

The laugh that bubbled out of you caused you to miss one of your steps, but luckily it was at the exact moment you joined hands—Anthony covered for you with ease as you stumbled into him, a glaring reminder of just how much he knew in comparison to you as a result of his title and position.

“Thank you,” you said. “I suppose I am not capable of multitasking while on the dance floor.” 

Anthony hummed. “I can tell by the deathly grip you have on my hands.”  

You loosened your hold on Anthony as you continued to dance, offering an apologetic smile. “I apologize. This waltz is not my favorite, nor is it my forte. Most dances, truthfully, are not my forte.” 

“I am more surprised by the fact you have a favorite dance,” Anthony said, his own smile slightly cockeyed. “Though I should think more of our appearances together should be on the dance floor—you are much less mouthy. I already feel more confident without your constant insults.” 

You huffed a laugh. “That is because this is nowhere close to my environment. I am comfortable surrounded by books, or arguing with irritating viscounts. I am not comfortable dancing in front of a crowd this large with the man they all think I am to marry.” 

“Ah,” Anthony chuckled. “It is strange, isn’t it? That everyone thinks we will end the season as happily married, and though we are lying to each and every member of the ton, not a single one knows it.”

“Indeed. I truly do not know how you have handled the attention all these years, as a viscount and a Bridgerton. I have been associated with you for hardly a week and I am already tired of it all. If it were not for an even less desirable fate awaiting me without your status protecting me, I would have surely run off to the country by now. Perhaps not even the country—an entirely new country sounds marvelous.” 

Anthony raised his eyebrows. “Those are certainly not words befitting a future viscountess. Running away from responsibility is something more suited to a second child—perhaps you should’ve taken this journey with Benedict instead.” 

You gave him a sideways smile. “My words do not have to be those of a future viscountess, not when it is just you and me. I suppose that is a benefit of this arrangement.” You tilted your head to the side slightly. “I do think I would enjoy Benedict’s company better, though. He is a joy to be around, and I just love hearing about his artistic endeavors.” 

His lips quirked up. “You may indeed be a better pair, then—he certainly needs someone that will listen to him talk about his latest works without complaint, and he irritates me just as much as you do.” 

“Impossible,” you stated. “No one can irritate you as much as I do.” 

“And for taking the burden of that role, I am eternally grateful,” Anthony said with mock austerity. 

“Of course,” you nodded. “Know that I am truly here for you.” 

Anthony could not help but laugh at that, and you smiled inwardly as the dance ended and the two of you bowed to each other. 

“That was rather pleasant,” he said, “was it not?” 

“I’ve yet to experience a better one,” you said, and Anthony simply smiled. 

“I await the day when you no longer use sarcasm in our every conversation.” 

“You will be waiting a very long time, then, my lord.” 

You looped your arm around Anthony’s, a gesture that was already becoming familiar, and began to walk off the floor together. 

“I do hope my mother will get over the allure of our pairing soon, though,” you said. “She brings you up in nearly every conversation—our parting argument will have to be convincing indeed, otherwise I fear we may entirely break her heart.” 

Anthony chuckled. “I will certainly do my best to prevent that. Though I understand part of your plight. My siblings have not stopped bothering me since they got their hands on the latest edition of Whistledown. Eloise in particular is not a fan of us together.” 

“Eloise,” you muttered. “I completely forgot to tell her of our plan.” 

He raised his eyebrows. “You were going to tell her a secret that could ruin the both of us?” 

“Oh, please,” you admonished. “We both know it would only ruin me. Besides—Eloise already knows nearly everything about me; news of a true courtship between us would be far more shocking to her than this ruse of ours.”

“You are correct,” Anthony said with a slight laugh. “She cornered me in my office when I returned after our promenade the other day and practically demanded I explain myself — but rest assured, she is informed of the truth and is sworn to secrecy.” 

You smiled. “That sounds like her, alright. I did not expect her to reveal it in the first place, but it is good to know I have a confidante. In case I need to complain of you, of course.” 

“Oh,” Anthony nodded. “Of course. I shall go to her as well if I am in need of the same. She will most certainly not get annoyed at either of us.” 

You laughed. “I fear that if we resort to her as our sole alleviant she will most certainly reveal our secret.” 

“Eloise doing something out of pure annoyance? I do not doubt it.” 

You snickered at that, but then Anthony lightly touched your shoulder and gestured with his head towards the other side of the ballroom. 

“I should let you go,” Anthony said. “I believe your mother has some things she wishes to say to you.” 

You sighed. “I can only imagine just what she has to say. But it looks as if your mother has the same thing in mind.” 

He looked over and sighed, though it was not without a slight smile. “Then I shall see you tomorrow?” he asked. 

“Tomorrow?” You pretended to think over it. “That seems far too soon, my lord. I am in need of my rest, both to handle you and maintain this image.” 

“I suppose I am in need of a break as well,” Anthony said, “as I have to handle you just as much as you I.” 

“We are certainly a troublesome couple,” you said with mock austerity. “It would be no surprise if our courtship were to dissolve completely just before the end of the season.” 

Anthony nodded seriously. “It would not be a surprise at all. It would be for the best, truly.” 

“The best,” you agreed. 

The two of you shared smiles, the sort that only those with secrets could indulge in, and then you parted ways to your respective matriarchs. 

And as you walked back over to your mother, your head held higher than usual and an unmistakable confidence in your step, Anthony could not tear his eyes away—could not help but smile. 

“Dare I say this is the most I’ve seen you smile at a ball?”

Anthony turned to see Benedict approaching, a glass of wine that was far too full clutched in one hand. By the dazed grin on his lips and a look in his eye that showed he wasn’t all the way there, it wasn’t too hard to tell that his younger brother was already quite far gone—that must’ve been why he showed up on his own, rather than leaving with him and their mother. Certainly for the best, as Violet did not exactly need to see her son getting drunk. 

“Dare I say this is the earliest I’ve seen you drink at a ball?” Anthony answered in turn. 

“Of course it’s not—I’ve indulged even before arriving on certain occasions. It was the only way I was able to get through half of Daphne’s season.” Benedict’s eyes twinkled as he took a sip from his glass. “It made it far more enjoyable. I would suggest that you try it sometime, but it seems that you are already enjoying the night quite a bit.” 

Anthony glanced behind him to see you talking with your mother—or rather, her talking to you, he noted with a slight smile���before looking back at his brother. “I suppose I am having a rather decent time.” 

“Far more than decent,” Benedict insisted. “I would even go as far as to say that you actually like Miss Worthing’s company.” 

Anthony chuckled a bit. His acting must have been good, to fool even his brother. Though, to be fair, Benedict would not expect him to do something of this sort—honestly, this was more in his territory. Perhaps he was not wrong about telling you his brother would be a better option. 

He felt a strange twist in his chest at the thought, but pushed it away just as quickly. 

“She is a lovely lady,” he agreed, “and she will make a fine wife.”

Benedict laughed. “Coming from you, brother, that is a declaration of love. My most sincere congratulations to you—you deserve this more than anyone.” 

Anthony offered a small smile as his brother patted him on the shoulder and began to walk off, and he called after him: “Do not do anything too stupid, Ben!” 

He held up his wine glass in response, not turning to look back at him, and Anthony just shook his head, though not without mirth. 

His brother was right about one thing, though. You were the reason he did not have such a terrible night. 

-

“Hyacinth, stop teasing your brother. Benedict, straighten your cravat. And Colin, dear, please do not bore the Worthings with talk of your travels. They have heard them a thousand times, and a good image is imperative.” 

“Mother,” Colin said with a frown, “you always say you enjoy my stories.” 

“And I do, each and every time,” Violet said with a motherly smile, “but now is not the time to tell them of your exploits for the hundredth time.” 

“But we are already good friends with the Worthings,” Gregory said, “and we have had dinner with them so many times. Why do we need to make a good impression?” 

“Because this dinner is the most important,” Violet said. “Anthony is courting Y/N, and though it should move ahead very smoothly, we need to ensure that you all make a good impression. We will be one family soon enough.” 

“Y/N is to be our sister?” Hyacinth exclaimed. “Oh, that is so amazing! I read it in Lady Whistledown, but I am overjoyed it is actually true!”

Eloise rolled her eyes. “I still cannot believe this is happening. My brother courting my best friend—a true nightmare, perhaps.” 

“Eloise,” Violet admonished, “this is a good thing. Be happy for your brother, at least when you are around him.” 

She then looked around the room and sighed. “Where is Anthony, anyways?” 

“He went to fetch the Worthings,” Benedict supplied. “To ensure that things would go smoothly from the start, show off his effortless gentleman act, and charm her parents all over again—everything of his usual sort.” 

“And likely to do things in private with his bride-to-be,” Colin said, earning a snort from Benedict and a glare from his mother. 

“Colin Bridgerton, do not say things like that. Especially in front of your siblings.” 

“My apologies,” he said, holding his hands up in defense, though he could not help but crack a smile, “but it is likely true.” 

It was then that the door was opened by one of the servants—your parents walked through and you and Anthony followed behind them, both you and your mother holding onto your respective beau’s arms. 

“Oh, good!” Violet exclaimed, and she gave her children one last gesture with her head to silently ensure they would behave. “You’re just in time—Cecilia, Philip, it is so good to see the two of you. And Y/N, you look lovely tonight. Your dress is simply sublime.”

“You are far too kind,” you said with a smile, bowing your head in lieu of a curtsy. 

“It’s just as good to see you, Violet,” your mother said. 

Your father nodded. “We were honored to receive the invitation. It has been far too long since the Worthings and Bridgertons dined together.” 

“It certainly has,” Violet agreed. “I’m sure we are all hoping it will become a more frequent affair.” 

You could not return Anthony’s knowing gaze as he led you around the table, pulling out your chair for you before he took his seat next to you. Your parents took their own seats next to Violet’s head of the table, and you busied yourself adjusting the edge of the tablecloth, unable to even look at Anthony beside you. 

“I apologize, Mother, for the delay,” he said. “Our conversation ended up lasting longer than I expected.” 

Violet smiled and brushed it aside. “Think nothing of it, dear. You are right on time.” 

Anthony spoke the truth, though it was wholly simplified—you could not even look him in the eye after all your mother had said. You did not ever plan on him knowing so many details of your childhood, but you ended up not having a choice in the matter. 

He had come to charm your parents and escort the three of you to his estate—it was overboard for a normal suitor, but not for one that was purposefully trying to annoy you as well as completely earn the favor of your family. And it was certainly not overboard for a Bridgerton. 

When Anthony arrived, his plan was to meet your parents, converse for a bit to get them fully on his side, and then your mother would fetch you and they would all be on their way. Instead, the moment he listened to your mother and sat down with her in the drawing room, she launched into an entire spiel, solely of you. Honestly, you were thankful you weren’t there, as you do not think you could have handled the embarrassment. Anthony, though, enjoyed it far more than he should have. He also had far more ammunition than he deserved, some of which he had already used against you in whispered conversations on the way here.

(You had already made a plan to get back at him, of course. The next time you were with Eloise in private, you were going to ask her for every single piece of information about her brother, even the most undignified shred. You were certain she would go along with it, and happily so.) 

“Are you really going to marry our brother?” Gregory suddenly asked, and along with your eyes widening you felt the heat rush to your cheeks. You thought you were getting used to the idea of this whole thing, but as of now, it seemed you were doomed to the embarrassment each time someone brought up the marriage aspect. 

“Not just marry our brother, Gregory,” Hyacinth said, “she will be our sister!” Her attention turned to you, all bright energy, and you could not help but smile the slightest bit. “I cannot wait, Y/N, truly! You must teach me to play the violin once you’re wed, please.” 

“Sister-in-law,” Anthony corrected hastily, and you noticed his throat bobbing after a quick glance at you, “she will be your sister-in-law. And she will have other matters to attend to over teaching you to play instruments—if you wish to learn violin, I’m sure we can get you a teacher.” 

“Do not be like that, Anthony,” Violet admonished, and she smiled at her daughter. “I’m sure that there will be plenty of time for you to learn things with Miss Worthing. That is,” she glanced over at you, “if she is alright with that.” 

“Of course,” you nodded immediately. “I do not think myself the best teacher, but I would love to help you wherever I could. And please,” you smiled, “if I am to call you Violet, you must call me Y/N. Formalities are certainly not needed there.” 

“What instruments do you know, Y/N?” Colin spoke up. 

“I am most skilled at the violin,” you said, and when you looked at your mother she smiled, “but it is only through countless hours of work. Mother can tell you just how much of a disaster I was at the beginning.” 

“Oh, do not say that,” your mother said, brushing it off with an offhanded gesture. “No one is an expert at the beginning—I dare say you picked it up quite fast. Is that not right, Philip?”

“Hm?” Your father’s attention was brought back by your mother saying his name, and he blinked a couple times before he looked at you. “Ah, yes. Yes, she did. Our daughter is very talented.” 

You stifled a laugh at that. Whereas your mother was involved in your life at every twist and turn, your father was more focused on the family finances and keeping the Worthings afloat. It was an important job and you were ever grateful for it, but it left him with neither time nor energy to focus on much else. 

(You also did not think he cared much for high society anyway—he wanted you to marry in order to secure your lineage as well as garner the protection that a good marriage would bring you, which explained his offer to Lord Cardew, but otherwise, he was hardly involved.) 

“What else?” Gregory asked.

“Other than violin, I also know how to play the pianoforte quite well,” you said. “Beyond that is the cello and the viola, though my viola skills certainly need work.” 

“Amazing,” Hyacinth breathed, and she looked at Violet. “Mother, you must let me learn more instruments! I'm growing a bit tired of the pianoforte."

“Because the pianoforte is boring,” Eloise contributed. “After listening to Daphne play it nonstop all those years trying to perfect it while she prepared for her debut, I can hardly stand the sound of it anymore.” 

“Are you saying you do not wish to bear audience to my impromptu concerts anymore?” you asked, your scandalized tone a mockery. 

“I am afraid so,” Eloise said, her austere words a joke as well. “I can no longer handle the noise of those wretched keys—it makes me want to plunge my knitting needles into my eyes.” 

“Eloise!” Violet interrupted. “Do not say things like that!” 

“Apologies, Mother,” she said, but the secret smile the two of you shared was hardly enough to stifle your combined laughter. 

Benedict set down his wine glass and looked at you. “I must ask,” he said, and his slight smile set you at ease, “how have you and our dearest Anthony been getting along? You must be doing something right, as I can certainly attest that he has become more pleasant to be around since he began courting you. I must thank you for that, of course.” 

Your smile grew as you looked over at Anthony next to you, and though he was trying to hide any sign of emotion behind the brim of his glass, you could tell that he was not as unaffected as he wanted you to believe. “Is that true?” you asked. 

“Oh, certainly,” Colin spoke up. “The other day, we were having a family picnic in the park—Eloise stole a biscuit from him, and he did not even get annoyed. I believe it was the day after your dance at the Kennington’s ball. There has to be a connection there, right?” 

“He was in a good mood there!” Benedict agreed, and he looked at you again. “Oh, after you separated, Anthony could not stop smiling. Y/N, I think he has smiled more than ever in the weeks he has been courting you.” 

“Well,” you said, smiling yourself as you turned to Anthony, “I am glad to have been a source of happiness for you as of late.” 

“Yes,” Anthony said, and he smiled as well. He looked to be doubling down in this, determined to not let you win in your little game. It was a shame, truly. “I am very thankful for your presence, Y/N; I’ve thoroughly enjoyed every moment together. You’ve been a—no, the light of my life. I’m not a poet in any sense of the word, so forgive me for being blunt, but I cannot wait to marry you.” 

“Colin,” Eloise said, speaking up suddenly, and you were thankful for it as it took all of your strength to tamp down on your laughter, “weren’t you telling me earlier about how beautiful the mountains were during your visit to Greece?” 

“Oh, they are amazing,” Colin said, and you could hear Violet sigh as a waterfall of information began to pour out of him. You assumed Eloise wanted just as much, as she gave you a very pointed look from across the table. You just smiled at her. 

You looked at Anthony next to you as the conversation carried on without you, mouthing “very nice” with serious eyes. He responded by rolling his own, though unable to fully conceal his smile. 

Friends, you surmised. It appeared the two of you were actually becoming friends. 

-

“The light of your life?” you exclaimed, raucous laughter emerging after it. “Oh, Anthony—you are certainly becoming creative.” 

He let out a small laugh as well, shaking his head some. “Can you blame me? Benedict and Colin seemed intent on embarrassing us completely, in front of your parents as well! I had no choice but to either give in to their teasing or double down on our love. And of course, I could not let my brothers get the better of us.” 

The two of you had escaped to the outdoors once your dinner together was over—your parents had to retire for the night, your father claiming he had important business matters to attend to early the next morning and your mother citing plain old exhaustion. You requested a promenade with Anthony, purely so you could discuss everything that had gone on between the two of you, and they agreed with the promise that Anthony accompany you on the carriage ride home. You were meant to have a chaperone as well, but either by accident or purpose you ended up alone. Now, you walked throughout the greenery of the Bridgerton estate, barely able to get through your words without laughter alongside it. 

“Of course,” you said sagely, “it was certainly a strategic move, complimenting me so. I don’t know what to do with myself, knowing that you actually don’t hate me.” 

“I should be the one with that reaction,” Anthony said. “Whatever am I to do without your endless jabs at me? I may actually gain some confidence.” 

“Oh,” you shook your head, “do not worry, my lord. I will always be able to humble you, even after we are married. It is one of my many talents; surely, you are aware.” 

“Certainly so,” he said, but then he sighed. “The longer we go on with this, though, the more guilt I feel. The advantage of not having to deal with countless daughters is quite nice, and I’m thankful you get to avoid that lecher of a man. But,” Anthony shook his head, “seeing how my siblings reacted, I cannot help but feel bad for them.” 

You bit your lip and nodded. “Hyacinth was overjoyed about it. The excitement in her eyes when she talked about my becoming her sister, and learning the violin…” You chuckled. “It is almost enough to make me want to go through with this in reality.” 

“I know how you feel,” Anthony said dryly. “A marriage borne out of Hyacinth-induced guilt is certainly not out of her power.” 

“Can you imagine when the reverend asks us for our vows?” you laughed as you straightened your posture and grabbed his hands, exaggerating your voice. “Anthony Bridgerton, I do not love you, but I do love your sister. I could not stand to see the sadness in her eyes if we do not go through with this, therefore I will marry you.” 

He laughed again at that, and he squeezed your hands before he pulled away. “Be careful with what you say, my lady. You may not know this as an only child, but the magic that a younger sister holds is a mysterious one indeed. She has gotten her way many a time in this family purely by doing just that.” 

“I do not doubt it,” you nodded. It was then that the two of you walked past a pair of swings, hung by ropes tied to a tree. You tugged at one of the ropes and looked at Anthony. “What are these here for?” 

He smiled a bit. “My father and I built them together when I was younger—I couldn’t have been any more than ten. He had the idea to make them for us—not just me and the three other siblings that were there, but the future children that they planned to have. My father decided to make it himself rather than outsource the work to a carpenter or a servant, and I begged him to let me help. He let me, and even though all I did was walk around rope and tie knots, I had the most brilliant time.” 

Anthony walked over and picked up a knot, one tied in the middle of the rope. “This is the first one I made. It’s completely useless, and honestly, it would have been better if Father just took it out, but he kept it there; he just worked around it when he had to string it all up. It looks like nothing—truthfully, it looks like a mistake, but it’s… it’s a priceless reminder of him. I’m thankful he left it.” 

“That’s beautiful, Anthony,” you murmured. A moment of hesitation passed before you slowly reached out and, before you could doubt yourself, placed your hand over his as gently as you could. There was a moment of surprise, visible from the slightest flinch to his widened eyes as he looked at you, but it faded just as quickly, replaced by a feeling you couldn’t describe. 

“It’s a part of him,” you said softly. “Proof of the time you spent together—proof that he was here, that he was with you, that he loved you. That he will always love you, even if he is no longer here. You are a part of that too, Anthony—do you realize? He lives on in you, in the way that you love and take care of your siblings.” 

Anthony swallowed thickly, his throat bobbing as he looked at you. His gaze was the softest thing you’d experienced, the warmth of his hand enveloping yours as he turned his over to squeeze your hand. It felt like the world around you had stopped as you looked into each other’s eyes, your breath hitching in your chest both at the feeling of his hand on yours and the proximity that had gotten closer without you even realizing. It must have struck Anthony suddenly, because his eyes widened slightly and he pulled away, taking a few steps in the opposite direction. 

The air returned to you as you put on your own distance, your eyes widening the same way as you realized what had just happened. 

What had just happened? 

“It is getting late,” he said hastily, “we should get you back to your estate.” 

“Of course,” you agreed, nodding far too many times. “My mother is likely worried.” 

“Of course,” he repeated, and Anthony cleared his throat before he looked at you. “I will send for a maid to accompany you when we get back to the house instead. We should—” he cleared his throat again, “I have things I need to attend to, unfortunately. Finances to go through, papers to sign.” 

You nodded yet again. “That is for the best. That— that is smart.” 

This time, it was his turn to nod. “Yes, of course.” 

The silence hung in the air between the two of you for one long, charged moment, before you spoke. 

“We should go.” 

“Yes!” Anthony said, and before you turned to start walking you were able to see his frown, his thoroughly vexed expression. You felt the exact same way. 

And as you walked back to the Bridgerton estate, the space naturally occurring between the two of you despite the strange atmosphere that had been created, the thought once again popped into your mind. 

What had just happened? 

-

sorry for tagging again but thats the way it is. i hope this works lol

perm tags: @dv0412 @siriuslyslyslytherin @maruchan77 @simonsbluee @kwyloz @masteroperator 

bridgerton tags: @theonewithallthemilkshakes @rach2602 @milkiane @korol-lantsov

anthony bridgerton tags: @gwenebear @lurkymurker @likeballet

not so simple tags: @ifilwtmfc @readers-posts @fangirling-galore @funkydinosaurs @baby-i-am-fireproof @mess-is-my-aesthetic @likeballet @mdkfh @brezzybfan 

[rattyoakenbitch]

death note: “mother hen” ₊˚ ⸝  l lawliet x reader

❝love everything you do

when you call me fucking dumb for the stupid shit i do❞

gif credit: n/a

song: melanie martinez - training wheels

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥

pairings: l lawliet x reader

warnings: angst, language, slight (but legal) age gap (youre eighteen whilst l is twenty-four), slight injury, attempted sa

summary: you get yourself in trouble and lawliet doesnt take it so well.

You were escorted into the large meeting room where the taskforce was gathered. L was in the center of the room, perched over his desk while watching security footage of Raye Penber, the FBI agent who had apparently been killed by Kira.

Soon as you walked in, all eyes were on you. The taskforce scanned your soaked self from head to toe. Your baggy skater girl jeans were dirty and torn, exposing your scraped up knees.

Your oversized white tee (which wasn't really yours, you borrowed it from L) was soaked with rain water, becoming translucent. Just like your pants, your top was soiled and torn, but more evident due to the lighter color. The hem of the shirt was loose, as if it had been pulled and stretched. White threads hung off the ripped collar that had stretched all the way over your bare shoulder. Your hair was disheveled and drenched, emitting the smell of a wet dog.

The state of your face wasn't any better, if not worse. Thick, red liquid dripped from both of your nostrils. Your undereyes were black and purple, almost similar to L's, the only difference being you weren't lacking sleep. Lips, cheekbones, chin, forehead, nose, all badly bruised and cut up. But your wounds weren't terrible. A first aid kit would do the trick. Watari was quick to grab you some towels, hanging them over your shivering and wet form. Water dripped and trailed wherever you walked but that wasn't even the least of their concerns.

"Sheesh.. Bad day, huh?" Matsuda spoke mindlessly, earning a few angry glares. "Sorry! I-I mean, what the hell happened to you?"

"Y/N! Are you all right?" Chief Yagami questioned, keeping his jaw from dropping to the floor.

"I'm.."

L was quick to hop off his chair and rush over to you, a heavily concerned and wary look on his tired face.

"Y/N, L, come with me," Watari said, taking your arm and leading you to the bathroom. Of course, being the caring boyfriend that L was, he asked nonstop questions along the way.

You tried to give a clear answer, but that wasn't enough to satisfy L. He forgot everything he was doing prior, his priority now being there for you.

You sat down on the bathroom counter while Watari fetched the first aid. L had now calm down, shutting up with the questions, realizing it wasn't doing you any good as you seemed to be weak and still in shock. L stayed close by your side, your injured hand clasped in his. He looked up at you worriedly and lovingly with those tired puppy eyes of his.

"Watari, I'll take care of her wounds. Please, just get some clean clothes for Y/N," L stated, his eyes never leaving yours. Watari silently agreed and left you two alone.

L carefully tended to your wounds, trying not to cause any more pain than you were already induring.

L asked as calmly as he could, "Y/N.. I need to know. What happened to you?"

You sucked in a breath, looking down at the ground, wearing a shameful look on your face.

"I got into a fight with some guys from campus. They teased me, followed me around. One of them was very persistent in asking me out but I told him I was already with someone." L gave you a look, partly of pride that you didn't give in to the boy. "Well I guess that sent him over the edge because him and his buddies jumped me after classes. They took my raincoat, my textbooks, beat me up and left me in the rain. One of them came back and attemped to.."

L squeezed your hand, as a way of letting you know you didn't need to further explain.

"Watari came by to pick me up before he could, you know, 'n scared the guy off."

"Why would they follow you around?"

"Ah, that. I already got in a fight prior to that with one of the guy's ex-girlfriend. She thought we had a thing for each other so she tried to ambush me. I never told you because I didn't get injured, I managed to fight her off."

"You should've told me. You know I worry about you. Especially with Kira around. We're not even sure if he knows we're together. He could use you and-"

You stopped him. "You see why I didn't tell you? You worry too much. Especially with this case, you associate everything with Kira."

"I would rather be paranoid than ignorant. It could still be a possibility. You could get yourself killed."

You rolled your eyes, "Why would that be so bad?"

L was taken back by your words. Despite the situation, you still had a sense of sarcasm. L allowed himself to smile lightly at the comment.

"If I wasn't so busy with the case, you know I'd be by your side at all times, right?"

"I know, but-"

"So that's why I want you here with me at all times. I can't visit you while you're in campus but I can keep you here with me."

"L! Do you know what you're asking of me?" I worked my ass off to get into college, I can't just leave like that."

"Your studying would amount to nothing if you end up dead."

"Wow, that was blunt."

L took both of your hands in his. "For your safety. Please."

You smiled slyly, raising your brow. "Just for my safety?"

L sighed. "And I really miss you."

You giggled, kissing the tip of his nose, causing him to scrunch it up. "Okay, fine, you mother hen."

L blushed, rubbing the back of his head. "I am not-!" He thought for a moment. ".. Am I?"

[marinetteplztakeabreak]

I need to share soft sign language buddies ninogami headcanon because they’re taking over my brain always:

(This got so long, so youre welcome if youre also starved for ninogami content)

Nino’s mom is Deaf , so he grew up signing as much as speaking. When he was younger he always signed as he talked.

It turned out he’s also Hard of Hearing, so sign language is way easier for him to understand most of the time.

However, though he’s great at making friends, he’s very awkward when it comes to talking about himself. So never comes up in conversation.

It’s not a self-deprication issue. It’s just a “thinking of things to say is hard and I’d rather have someone else do the talking” thing. He’d rather talk about anyone except himself.

Additionally! He’s great at helping other people, but he’s terrible at asking for help. He does not EVER want to be like “hey i cant understand what you’re saying, my ears dont work great,” its his worst nightmare

And it doesnt help that there have been a few cases of people being rude about it when he doesnt hear them after they repeat themselves. And possibly worse, there have been even more cases of people giving over-the-top apologies instead of just,, telling him what they said. So it’s not worth the trouble in his mind

with his few close friends who still dont know, it feels like its too late and it’d be awkward to bring it up, so he just… doesnt. He’s procrastinating on telling them he cant hear them

He stopped signing as much as he talked in middle school because strangers would always be like “woah thats so cool, how do you know sign language” and he’d just panic because he was an awkward tween, and he didnt know if he was comfortable telling them he was HoH, but ALSO just saying his mom was Deaf and not mentioning himself felt like directly lying by hiding information, so he just took the “lazy” way out and signed less in public.

Sometimes fighting the anxiety was not worth it so he just let it win in that case.

Nino is so nice and energetic and loves people, but he is way more introverted and anxious than his friends think.

But when they start to get closer, Kagami who is ever-observant, notices him signing a little bit, (not ever to her, not ever on purpose, but he’d sometimes sign a word he needed to remember while speaking or sign along to emphasize something)

and she luckily for his anxiety, she doesnt know how to have a normal conversation either.

Her (platonic as well as romantic) love language is studying and research, and Nino seems very cool and she likes him, even if she is awful at holding a conversation with him or doing anything to show it.

She thinks he’s so cool and such an amazing talented kind friend. She has so much love for him that she doesnt know what to do with it. So she channels that energy into learning to sign through the internet and whatever tools she can find

And then after a while of this, she’s like “oh no, he’s gonna think that’s so creepy, I cant tell him I know sign language or he’ll be so uncomfortable”

So, like a whole idiot, she hides that she’s learning sign language from anyone. Because OBVIOUSLY if word got back to Nino, he’d assume it was because of him and that she was a weirdo he shouldn’t be friends with

But also Kagami accidentally falls in love with sign language because she has undiagnosed autism. She always assumed that communicating was just going to be impossible no matter what, but as she gets proficient in sign language she’s like,,, oh,,, OH,, this is very nice

Even just signing while she talks makes it so much easier to keep words and sentances straight, but she only does it when she’s alone with her mother, who is literally blind and would never know.

They become closer friends in late high school, and by that time a lot of Nino’s anxiety has worn off and he’s become completely comfortable letting teachers know when he needs to hear somthing, and middle school feels like a distant dream

At some point, Nino invites Kagami to his house a few times, and he signs with his mom. Nino is like “I can interpret for you,” and Kagami is like “wow thanks, I’m so lucky, because I obviously do not know any sign language, why would I have learned it, and also for the record it is brand new information to me that you can sign,” and Nino is like “cool? Its not a secret but im glad i told you if you somehow didnt already know,” and Kagami is like, “yep :)”

But then eventually as they become really close, they are texting one night, (Kagami can still barely get out of her house, so they need to communicate remotely. And both of then HATE phone calls bc its so hard to understand whats happening, but neither of them have admitted this to anyone)

Nino admits that he likes using sign language better than talking, and he wishes he could use it with his friends, but he’d feel so guilty asking them to learn an entire language just to make him slightly more comfortable. He can talk and hear OKAY so he shouldnt put the pressure on them.

and Kagami is like “you could always ask, worst case scenerio they say no, and i dont think thats an unreasonable demand” and nino is like “it is though,” and kagami’s like “ok so haha funny story, please dont hate me” and nino is like, “…what.” And kagami confesses everything and nino is like “why… why would i hate you for that?” And Kagami is like “oh wait youre right im stupid,”

And then Nino’s also like “hey if YOURE more comfortable signing too, then why dont YOU ask your friends to sign for you. Do you see what i mean? It’s hard to ask-” and kagami is like, “as your friend i will prove it is not.”

So then Kagami ends up confronting Adrien and Marinette the next day and is like “Hi. This is a sign language dictionary. Learn from it.” And they’re both like “what?” And she’s like “oh wait sorry. Backing up. I’m autistic. I decided like three years ago. Forgot to tell you. And I need you to learn to sign a little bit so you can understand if i sign something at you. If you want, of course. Please :D.” And theyre like “ok sure yeah i can do that.”

(Theyve already learned and accepted that shes extremely direct in asking for things)

So then she texts nino and is like “i did it. Youre welcome.”

But anyway both of them are uncomfortable in crowds and parties: Nino cant hear anyone and Kagami tends to get sensory overload, so they start signing mostly in those situations, and then it starts to sink in that they’re allowed to sign whenever and that the other really IS also comfortable with it.

(Both of them are much more willing to make sacrifices for others than to try something new and intimidating for themself, so this is the perfect situation to trick them into getting out of their comfort zone, ironically by trying to be more comfortable in the long run)

so they will just sit together and hang out and have long conversations while just chilling somewhere in a park or at cafes or whatever. Both of them become chattier than they’ve ever been because talking and understanding is so much easier, and its addicting

And their close friends all become proficient enough in sign language to have simple conversations.

But also Nino and Kagami start sitting together automatically even in group hangouts, and they start hanging out more with just the two of them, and soon neither of them feel bad about asking to hang out in quieter places, because they can justify it knowing that it will also help the other one, and together that makes both of them also more comfortable asking for little accomodations from other friends, if only to prove to the other that they can do it too.

And Kagami has the lesser-known autism side effect where she makes WAY TOO MUCH eye contact. She’s aware of it but that doesnt make it go away. Normally she feels so awkward about it, and overthinks her gaze because she doesnt want to scare people away. But when signing, you literally HAVE to be watching the other person constantly, so she has an excuse to just be herself, and its so relieving

(and also its kind of fun to look at Nino anyway because he can get so animated and his smile is really nice and oh no she is in love a little bit)

And Nino always struggles because he emotionally ALWAYS needs to be the nice polite one. His anxiety sometimes gets the better of him and he’s constantly worried about sending the wrong signals to his friends and coming off as rude somehow. But with Kagami, he can literally just ask?? And she will tell him her honest opinion without making it weird. And its so comfy and so good and he really loves hearing her unfiltered opinions on so many things because she sees the world in such a unique way and she gets so passionate about such little things and then oh no, he is fallen for her before he can realize it

And they also learn that they’re both artists, they both love to just observe the world because even if they;re awkward, people are actually pretty great most of the time, and its fun to observe them and try to capture the world, and they just sit together and sketch, or they watch each other sketch, and the thing is, both of them draw ONLY FOR THEMSELVES, its not a ‘skill,’ and they don;t want it to be, its just private art for relaxation. Somehow, though, its okay if they share their art with each other. They can just sit in comfortable silence for hours while one of them sketches something and the other watches patiently

And they start to get more comfortable with one of their heads resting on the other’s shoulder as they watch them doodle, and sitting so close their legs press together, and soon enough their hands start brushing against each other’s as they walk next to each other and then all of a sudden they’re casually holding hands whenever they’re not signing because it’s nice

They try to share headphones so Nino can share some of his favorite songs and his compositions with Kagami. But try as she might, Kagami can not handle the sensory of only having one earbud in. Nino knows her tells by that point, and he’s not about to let her suffer for a stupid reason, but she REALLY does want to hear his music. They somehow end up with Kagami putting a pair of headphones around her neck and turning up the volume a little bit so she can hear, while Nino rests his head on her shoulder so he can hear just enough to know where she is in the song

And then he has to sit up and scootch away just enough to see her hands so they can talk about it, and they both pretend not to notice how nice it was to snuggle as they sign. Its fine, though, because now they get the excuse to just look at each other again and sign overdramatically with exaggerated facial expressions, and no one else around can overhear their conversation, and Nino likes to go a little over the top when signing onomatopoeia and acting out particular parts of the song rhythm that he likes, and Kagami laughs, and they both mentally save the image of each other in this moment the same way that they look at reference images for artwork, memorizing the lines of each movement and the things that make each smile unique,

and Nino also shows up at every single one of her fencing tournaments, and he sits as close as he can and signs encouraging messages to her from the crowd whenever she’s not actively competing, (that her blind mom can never catch, which is somewhat of a bonus to Kagami, because every element of their friendship that her mother cant interact with makes this more personal and special and HERS). Every little sign she sends back at him, even a simple thank you, always feels so good and rebellious and free because shes supposed to be focusing on fencing but shes deciding to care more about friendship. And even if she’s expected to leave immediately afterword, she’ll find every excuse possible to find him and give him a hug, which he’ll always accept even though she jokingly warns him shes sweaty and gross

And eventually they are special best friends and it brings them instant joy to see each other and theyre able to interact for no reason other than that they want to and like each other

(And then they kiss)

[scummy-writes]

[CHAPTER 19 & PREM]

Notes for myself. I know he dislikes this stuff already, its very clear, but i wanted the exact verbiage he uses. I am surprised he doesnt outright say rape. I wonder if thays a censoring thing or a Gilbert thing.

Surprised sariel or. Anyone. Never told her about the king. I guess it doesnt matter? But i feel like it is good knowledge to have... i guess they also dont want it getting out, but they so freely syate it in so many routes? Lukes mother was not the only one raped so?? I feel like its important to take into account how someone would act as a king, on good AND bad days.

Gilbert the criminology expert. I am... happy. But this points to why his heart got so corrupted also, swarming himself into awful awful cases and atudying. Its for the betterment of others, he wants this stuff to stop for the sake of others. Word soup right now but. I wonder when this is realized by her and him. Killing awful people and knowlingly having to sacrifice a few (the civil war hes trying to ignite) to try and turn the tides of ruling completely.

I figured thats why he wasnt really super awful to either of them. He was awful but not super.

Ah i want to screenshot all of this. Jesus christ. Ill have to record this whole chapter for myself because of this speech.

I feel like its difficult to comment on. I am not good at politics, i am nodding along and understanding this is an extreme, but its difficult to make any comments due to just...nodding...

I wonder if he also wants to die due to the grief of it all. *weedles my hcs into this*. All i keep thinking about is a gilbert, alone at night plagued by nightmares of his mother, the disappointment she would have, and promising himself and the memory of her (and albert) that itll end 'soon' because he plans to die like this.

And he wants emma to do it. To be the last thing he sees before he dies, the object of his love and obsession.

I cant fogure out if he wants it so that he can dig himself further into a villain, to crush his heart due to the only woman he loved passing judgement thay he SHOULD die to atone for his sins, as a dramatic final act of some sort of self harm, or because he wants her to be the last thing he sees so that he can leave with a sense of happiness and feeling love as his final feeling, even if its twisted.

Typing that made me want to cry

I want gilbert to have a life free of this pain. I wish he could just have a small home on the countryside with emma.

Is it because he never expected her to Not want him dead? Hes shocked that his secret desires of her liking him back are showing to be possivle? That she deems him redeemable enough to live despite whay hes done?

Hes gonna show her a lot worse now huh.

-> WALTER?!?!?! MY MAN?!?!?! MAN OF THE HOUR?!?!??!

-> ITS WALTER!!!!!!!

i love how gilbert talks to him. Okay like in context he sounds so awful but--- okay listen in some events it sounds like he always does this when they try to scold him. Also funny the threat happens when walters like "oh she exists?" LMAO love that they thought he was just fucking delusional in regards to her apparently.

I want to know so badly what gilbert has said about her. I also feel like some things may have been feverish ramblings that walter was not supposed to hear.

-> "well, that's killed the mood" lmao

Man after my own heart.

I desperately want to imagine he has collected books that shes liked over the years, in order to try and feel what she felt while reading them, to feel closer to her.

I also want to imagine hes collected books he thought she might enjoy, too.

-> "although, I just really wanted to make you happy" sobs

-> gdi i missed screenshotting his advancement with the food. If anyone is reading this and has a screenshot of what he said he did....pls...gib....

Argh i hit the photo limit.

-> "i don't wanna" ily. Youre like a fuckin kid sometimes.

-> both genders of workers and such

-> novles and commoners at the castle dressed the same to avoid preconceptions

-> PREM STORY? fucking hell i forgot there was an avatar check. I hit the photo limit. Was already mad i couldnt show the screenie about her thinking about his life and him killing. Ill do that next note chapter.

[PREM STORY]

-> both outfits are my jam this time.

-> "i want to know how we can make up again." " atrocious" "what a kind bunny you are"

-> "are you playing at psychoanalysis now?" Looks at my notes. Looks back at game.

-> "thats gross"

-> the shock at her saying its cowardly. Is it because he didnt consider that ( he HAD to have of, right????) Or just surprised again that she thinks along those lines?

-> again. The crux of wanting to feel the love of the object of your affections verses having to stick to your guns so that she does not know the true depth of it all and will not be ruined by your death, so that she can keep the purity with her and you still got to experience it....ah.......pain....suffering....gILBERT

-> does not want to hurt her, confliction. Ough i am glad i bought this ill be rereading it and crying later.

[You unlocked: Gun!]

PART 2 - GILBERT ROUTE SPOILERS POST

The last post got really long since hitting 'readmore' shows you ALL the reblogs on it, so I made a part 2 for chaps 12-20(?).

I'll be reblogging this post each chapter or so with personal thoughts and general screaming under a cut. I'll be having it in a format with the chapter numbered, and then a cut directly after where I'll be yelling. I already know some major spoilers with gilberts route, so if you have not finished his route yet, be wary.

I'll be using the tags 'Scum Simps' and 'scum plays gil route' for those of you who want to filter it out. Thank u!

[mistymorningdewdr0p]

The Little Things You Keep Hidden From Me

~~~(this is a long one so bear with me! using she/they pronouns for namaari btw!)~~~

namaari likes things—she really really does! she just, well, never really knows where to put their stuff, just shoving it into a basket to get it out of sight...they had never really thought of it as a problem, just something that was obvious since she was so busy with all of her royal duties, but the longer she’s around raya the more they realize something might be up.

when raya and her start dating, they naturally begin to spend more time at each other’s homes, more specifically in each other’s rooms. the third time raya spends the night in fang since they’ve become official, she finally asks namaari just why her room is so incredibly bare, claiming it looks more like a spare room in a random inn rather than a living space. namaari is actually stumped by this question, answering that “she’s just too busy to put any posters up or little figurines out.” raya doesnt believe it though, she can tell there’s something else by the quirk in namaari’s brow that the fang princess does often without even realizing. nevertheless, raya let’s it go and cuddles deeper into her girlfriends neck, taking a mental note to bring it up when they’re both more awake.

the next time raya brings it up, however, is when the girls are sparring together to blow off some steam. namaari had already been slightly agitated from an argument with her mother so it probably wasn’t the best for raya to bring up right then. despite that, the princess of heart had tried to play it off in a joking manner, snickering a bit as she told the other princess that they should travel to talon sometime to pick up decorations so namaari can stop having such a “bare ass room”. the kick to the gut raya received immediately notified her that it was definitely a bad time, especially as she moaned on the ground in pain as namaari stormed off. despite it only taking them two days to reconcile after that, raya promised she wouldn’t bring it up again, even though namaari still hadn’t told her why the question bothered them so bad.

even though raya had said she wouldn’t bring up the issue again, she began to rethink after a short talk with sisu about the matter. the dragon had brought up a very good point: “why not just add things here and there and see how namaari reacts? that way nothing is permanent and namaari wouldn’t have to try and put her feelings into words, just remove what they didn’t want.”raya didn’t have the best feeling about this but she sensed that this issue was more than it seemed and that it needed to be explored so she took sisu up on her offer and put the plan into effect on her following trips to fang. she’d place a poster by namaari’s bed or a small dragon carved of trees from spine on the desk one day and place a plant or a book by the door the next. the first two items disappeared within the hour of them being up and the second two held out for a day. raya tried this again two more times and the same pattern followed. she was now missing a poster, the wood carving, the book, a throw pillow, a small teddy bear, and a plant—this only concerned her more as namaari hadn’t brought any of it up. just as raya was starting to give up on this experiment, a breakthrough moment happened.

it had been a exhaustingly long day of meetings and diplomatic hearings and all the two princesses wanted to do was sleep. they hung out on namaari’s bed, cuddling as they chatted with sisu who was perched on the windowsill before namaari decided she was going to shower. sisu said goodbye and raya started gathering her own belongings from her bag for bed. normally she’d join her girlfriend in the shower but they were both feeling much too sluggish for that kind of shower at the moment.

as raya was taking off her jewelry, one of her arm bands rolled off the edge of the bed and under the closet door on the other side of the room. she sighed in exasperation but got up to retrieve it nonetheless. when she opened the closet door and reached in to grab her jewelry, she was surprised to see a large basket placed in the middle of the chamber among her girlfriend’s clothes. she knew she should probably ask namaari if it was ok to open it but something in her gut was screaming at her to peak inside, so she looked behind her to make sure no one had entered the room without her knowing and moved to open the basket, face contorting in confusion when she saw what was in it.

in front of her sat all of the objects that she had placed in the room, all situated in such a way so that nothing was broken or squashed. raya also noticed some other objects like books and pages of artwork hidden under the materials she had lost. it took her only a moment to sigh sadly and put the lid back onto the basket. she made her way back to the bed and sat on it, head in her hands as she waited for namaari to return.

“i can’t believe how much dirt can stick to you when you sweat, it’s absolutely disgust-“ namaari said as she walked back into the room, now in her night clothes.

“raya? what’s wrong, why do you look so sad?” The fang princess said, closing the door behind them with a worried expression.

raya was silent for a moment before exhaling and standing up from the bed, walking over to her girlfriend and taking both of their hands in her own.

“when i was getting my stuff together for my shower, one of my arm bands fell off the bed and rolled under the closet door. i saw the basket, maari.” raya said, looking down at their conjoined hands.

“you didn’t open it, did you?” namaari said, voice clearly wavering as her eyebrows creased together.

“you know i had to. it didn’t feel right...” raya replied sadly.

“well it doesn’t mean anything, it’s just a stupid basket.” namaari huffed, pulling her hands away from raya and walking away from her and towards the window, back to their girlfriend.

“that’s not true namaari. you and i both know what that basket is for.” raya could tell namaari was getting upset, their shoulders were tensing and her fists were squeezed into balls.

“i said it was nothing. drop it raya.” namaari warned, chest heaving as she started to get worked up.

“i will not drop it! why didn’t you tell me that you don’t keep any of your personal items out because you’re afraid you’ll have to flee fang one day and don’t want to risk leaving them behind?!” raya shouted, temper fully exploding.

to anyone else, that may seem like a ridiculous stretch, but raya knew better. she knew this is what namaari had done because she had done the same thing all her years of searching for sisu. since she had no time to gather her belongings the day the dragon gem broke, the only mementos from home she had left were the clothes and accessories on her body, tuktuk, and her father’s sword. for years as she traveled she never once took them out of her bag, in fear that she’d be ambushed and would have to outrun bandits or druun. she longed to be able to take out her clothes she was wearing that day and hold them close to her chest, focusing on how beautiful that morning had been with her father still in her life, but she was more terrified of losing them in the event she had to run for her life.

the basket was large but also made out of a very light material that was abundant in fang. the handles were designed to not pinch or strain the hands and the bottom was weaved in such a way that running with it would not be too much of a hinderance. raya immediately knew that this basket was bought for a specific purpose and the person who bought it hadn’t even realized how heartbreaking the situation was.

“so what?! i just want to be prepared, get off my case about it!” namaari shouted back, turning to face raya with a deep scowl on her face.

“namaari, being prepared is packing a bag with the essentials for survival! maybe even some extra clothes that mean a lot to you, this is not prepared! this is paranoid!” raya shouted, gesturing around the bare room with flailing arms.

“i am not fucking paranoid! who knows what could happen tomorrow?! who knows who i could lose at any moment in my life! just because i want to keep my things at the ready does not mean i am paranoid, it means i’m smart, don’t be jealous because you were too dumb to think of it!” namaari all but roared at their girlfriend.

they both froze for a moment, just looking at each other in a huff as they took in namaari’s words.

“i’m smart enough to know when someone is going through something and i’m smart enough to know that i need to step in to help. but yeah, guess i’m the fucking idiot for trying to check on you, my own girlfriend. my bad, though, i’ll try to be less dumb next time, yeah?” raya said, face stone cold as she grabbed her coat and left the room, leaving namaari with tears streaming down her face behind her.

~~~

namaari absolutely hates crying. not because they feel like they don’t have the right to do it, but because once she starts, she can rarely ever stop. she bottles up so much and when that bottle explodes every negative emotion she’s had just comes gushing out. they cried and cried, head feeling like it was going to split as she sobbed into her hands. they hadn’t meant to hurt raya’s feelings, they were just so incredibly ashamed their fears had gotten to them so badly. it took her an hour for the tears to stop falling from her eyes and one hour after that to fully compose herself enough to stand up from where she had sunk to the ground. they walked over on shaky legs to their closet and opened it, pulling out the basket and dumping the contents out onto the bed. she looked over the objects, finally understanding it had been raya who had placed them all in her room out of care and not her mother to spite her, the thought only making her want to cry again. she shoved it down and kept looking, eyes finally landing on the bear plushy that had rolled farther down her bed. she picked it up and sighed, holding it close to her chest as she bit back more tears.

“i hate it when you two fight.” sisu said solemly from the windowsill, voice soft but still startling namaari on accident.

“you and me both.” namaari responded, voice weak from their sobbing.

“she’s ready for you, you know.” the dragon said, making her way into the room to stand beside the fang princess.

“i know. it just, continues to shock me just how much she trusts i’ll always come back to her. i don’t think anyone but my mother has fought for me that hard.” namaari said, toying with the plush in her hands.

“i don’t think she’s ever wanted to fight for anyone as much as she fights for you, other than her father.” sisu replied, placing a hand on the human’s shoulder.

“i really messed up, sisu. i feel awful.” namaari said, leaning into the touch.

“nows your chance to make it right then, come on, she’s waiting.” sisu said, waiting for the princess’ consent before grabbing her by the waist and flying them out the window.

~~~

raya absolutely hated being angry. the feeling burned like thousands of fire ants under her skin that were crawling through her nerves and stinging at her body to get out. she just wanted to help namaari! that’s all. she had been exactly where the fang princesses had and it was eating her alive that she felt like namaari wasn’t trusting her.

after leaving namaari’s room she had managed to make it to the water front uninterrupted in an angry haze before sisu stopped her.

“woah, woah, woah, hold it right there, grumpy!” sisu said, stopping right in front of the heart princess.

“what’s with the frown?! did namaari kick you out again because you snore?” sisu said, completely oblivious to the fact raya was deeply upset by this.

“no sisu and i don’t want to fucking talk about it right now, move.” raya said harshly, pushing passed the dragon and continuing her stomping.

sisu was back in front of her in seconds, face now contorted in a scowl as she towered over the princess from heart. they had talked about how much sisu hated when people cursed at her, even if it was all light hearted, and it seemed like raya had forgotten and needed to be reminded.

“don’t talk to me like that. it’s disrespectful, princess.” the dragon all but spat at the human.

rayas eyes went wide, weak inhale filling her lungs as she understood what the dragon was saying. after a moment of them staring at each other, raya sighed, hands pressing onto her eyes as she started to tear up.

“you’re right. i’m sorry. i just—god i’m just so angry!” raya said, tears falling freely from her eyes at this point as she sunk to the ground. they were at the water front now, sitting on the edge of where the boats would dock.

“what happened?” sisu asked, gently wrapping her arms around her friend.

“namaari and i got into a fight about all of the missing stuff. i don’t know why i hadn’t put two and two together but she was hiding it in a basket in her closet because they were afraid they’d have to run from fang.” raya said, leaning into the dragon’s touch.

“why would they still be afraid? the druun are gone now.” sisu asked, face pulled into a worried expression.

“i would’ve asked them but they got defensive when i told them about the basket and you know when she gets defensive she starts acting like a jerk.” raya said, wiping her tears as they fell.

“sounds like someone else i know...”sisu said, smile clearly present in her voice.

raya laughed softly, sisu’s comment cheering her up slightly. she sighed and pulled away from the dragon, pushing her hair out of her face.

“i don’t want her to be afraid that they’ll come back. we’ve only talked about them a little bit i know she also has nightmares about it and it keeps her awake when i’m not with her. i just didn’t expect them to be so fearful that they refuse to keep anything permanent up in their room because they don’t think they’ll be able to take their belongings with them in case they have to flee.” raya said, now looking down at her hands.

“i know you just want to help but getting over stuff like that isn’t always easy, especially when you think you’re moving forward and it seems like ten things push you back. i know i’m not the best at relationship advice but maybe try letting her talk at you rather than with you.” sisu said.

“like how?” raya asked.

“let her get everything out: the nightmares, the objects and what they mean to them, all that stuff. no arguing and little to no commentary. just free talk. through that you might understand the underlying cause of all of this paranoia. which i’m also guessing you made her feel bad for so you should apologize for that asap.” sisu replied.

“you’re right, i know you are, it’s just—hard. i’ve never felt like this before, so in love with someone who has their own stuff to work through too, and i don’t want to mess it up because she deserves happiness.” raya said, looking up from her hands and at the dragon by her side, who she was surprised to see was wearing an expression of absolute surprise at what she had said.

“what? why are you so surprised? was it something i said?” Raya began—in that very moment realizing it was something she said. she covered her mouth with both hands and matched sisu’s wide eyes.

“raya, you said the L word.” sisu whispered.

“oh my god i said the L word.” raya echoed.

“sisu—i...” raya tried to speak but the words were caught in her throat. she had really said it out loud that she was in love with namaari, like fully and deeply in love with her and it was so overwhelming she began to cry again.

“i’m so proud of you, girl! admitting your in love is a big step. i’m so happy for you.” sisu said, pulling raya into a hug that was beating the edge of way too tight for a human and not tight enough for raya.

“thank you, sisu, you’re an incredible friend.” raya smiled.

“yeah, i know. i rock!” sisu chuckled, pulling away and getting up from where she had been sitting.

“now, i’m going to go get that other grumpy princess and you two are going to talk some things out, ok?” sisu said.

“ok, tell her i’m ready for her.” raya said, smiling as sisu sprang into the sky and glided to the palace.

~~~

even though it would seem like namaari would be afraid of heights, it was actually quite the opposite. they loved being in high places and looking out at the world around them. soaring through the air with a dragon, let alone the sisudatu, was not something she ever thought she’d do in her life—now? they wouldn’t have it any other way.

“this is your stop, your majesty. oh! and be on your best behavior or i’ll drop you in the ocean when i come back.” Sisu said, placing namaari on the ground next to raya.

“and that goes for both of you! best. behavior.” sisu added before flying off and leaving them alone.

both princesses sat in silence for a moment, both not entirely sure where to start.

“look, maari, i’m—“ raya began.

“No!” namaari countered, effectively cutting Raya off.

“you always take the first step. i don’t want you to think that i won’t meet you there. if it’s ok, i’d like to go first.” namaari said, sitting down next to the heart princess.

“ok, go for it, i’m here to listen.” raya replied.

“i’m really sorry for how i reacted. I didnt mean to hurt your feelings or imply you’re not intelligent. I was so ashamed that i let my fears get the best of me that i started acting like a...” Namaari began.

“A jerk?” Raya asked, mouth slightly quirked up at the corner

“A bitch.” Namaari smiled softly.

“I should’ve listened to what you were trying to tell me. I was being paranoid when i should’ve just toughened up.” Namaari finished.

Raya sighed and took her girlfriend’s hand that wasn’t holding onto the little bear.

“Don’t say that. You are not a bad person for being paranoid and it’s not so easy to just “toughen up” when it comes to trauma. I’m so sorry I made you feel that way, i was so wrong for that, maari. And i’m also sorry for opening the basket without your permission.” Raya confessed, making good on her agreement with sisu to apologize for making Namaari feel less than because of her fear.

“thank you, that means a lot to me, raya. I just dont want to start thinking that the druun will never return only to be proven wrong if they do, it makes me feel stupid and like i should’ve known better than to expect better. the nightmares and the second guessing and the stress of being alone on a lot of open land with no water source...it’s all so hard to deal with sometimes. but i think i’m realizing the more i push it down the worse it gets.” Namaari confessed.

“as much as i wish i knew what i could do to make it hurt you less, I don’t think i’ll ever fully understand how you’re feeling, even if our situations used to be similar—so i’m gonna work really hard to prove to you that you can always come to me and get comfort, even if i don’t always know what it’s like. i guess i was just feeding my own fear that you didn’t trust me instead of realizing you were so afraid because you do trust me.” raya explained, squeezing her girlfriend’s hand tighter.

“i dont want to lose you, not like i did before.” namaari said, unshed tears making their eyes gloss over as they squeezed raya’s hand tightly.

they both knew they were talking about when raya turned to stone, since namaari was uncertain if putting the pieces back together was going to work at all—if they hadn’t that would mean raya would be gone forever.

“i promise you i’m not going anywhere. i love you far too much to not fight for you.” the heart princess said, placing her hand softly on namaari’s cheek to use her thumb and brush away a stray tear.

“please never stop loving me.” namaari pleaded, tears rolling down her cheeks now.

“i wouldnt dream of it, dep la.” raya said, pulling the fang princess in for a long overdue make up kiss. she firmly pressed her lips to namaari’s as she pulled the princess’s face towards her, love confession making her needy. though she wanted to savor namaari (thanks to her newfound energy of course), she knew that this kiss was all they needed right now.

“if you want, we can start taking one thing out from the basket at a time,” Raya said as she broke the kiss, “i think we should start with the plant since it hasn’t had water since i got it and is probably dead.”

namaari chucked at this, “of course you’d get me a thirsty, half-dead plant to slip into my room. you’re a menace.”

“maybe,” raya began, breaking her sentence up by pressing another kiss to namaari’s soft lips with a smile, “but i’m your menace so you can’t get mad.”

“i love you, dep la.” namaari said, leaning over with the bear still clutched in their hands to rest their head on raya’s shoulder.

“and i love you, princess.” raya echoed, placing an arm around her girlfriend to pull her closer as they looked out at the water as the moonlight glistened on it.

[ghost-go-roasty-mctoasty]

What if hallucifer stayed with Sam throughout the whole show? What if cass didn't really fix the problem, but only took the pain away?

Sam walks out of that hospital knowing he's not alright. Knowing he's never gonna be alright. He gets into shotgun, dean smiling next to him warmly, Lucifer smiling at him from the back seat. Cold dead eyes.

Lucifer is there with him when dean and cass get blasted to who knows where. Crowley tells him he's all on his own, Lucifer laughs next to him.

He meets Amelia, but eventually she leaves him. He doesn't blame her, who would want to be with a guy who talks to air and barely sleeps? He starts drinking a lot after that.

Dean comes back, from purgatory apparently. He doesn't know about lucifer, Sam never told him, didn't want to make himself a bigger burden for his brother. So he lies, tells him he was with Amelia this whole time. Dean gets angry. Sam knew he would, but it's easier this way.

Lucifer is with him when they find the bunker, commenting on the ugly lamps. Sam snickers, dean looks at him weird, but doesn't say anything.

Lucifer is with him when he completes the first trial. He looks down to Sam who is covered in blood. He points to the dead hellhound. "I knew that one." He says. "Her name was Ashley."

Lucifer is with him when he goes to hell to rescue bobbys soul. "I did not miss this place." Lucifer whispers next to him. A shiver goes down Sam's spine.

Lucifer is with him when he's just about to finish the last trial. Lucifer always keeps quiet when Sam is completing trials, something about "purification." Sam doesn't really know, he mostly blocks him out.

He's there when dean comes and stops him. He's yelling at Dean, telling him to go, leave them. But dean cant hear him, he knows he cant hear him. Sam doesnt know why Lucifer even tries.

Lucifer is in the back seat of the impala when Sam wakes up. He doesn't remember getting into the impala. He remembers passing out in the mud in front of the church. His clothes are clean now though. Lucifer is quiet.

Lucifer has stopped talking to him, he just hovers now. It's driving Sam mad. He's not used to the strange silence, but he doesn't suspect anything weird until he starts losing fragments of his day.

He starts noting down time frames that he loses. He started when he was researching in the library at 2:45pm, blacked out, and came to in the kitchen at 3:14pm. Lucifer stays out of his way. Sam sometimes thinks he has a look of pity on his face, but that can't be right, can it?

Sam eventually asks dean about this. His brother just brushes him off. Lucifer continues to hover.

Crowley comes and saves him. Sam kicks the angel out. He opens his eyes to see Lucifer staring at his brother. "I guess sammy has a thing for kicking angles out."

Deans starting to get suspicious. Sam's zoning out more and more. Eyes glazing over as he just listens to Lucifer ramble on about nothing. About everything.

"You good Sammy?" Dean asks him one day while they're eating breakfast. Sam answers too fast. Dean only gets more suspicious.

Dean eventually finds out, Sam knew he would sooner or later. He finds dean with alcohol more often now. A look of guilt is permanently stuck on Sam's face.

"Its not your fault Sammy." Dean always tells him. Sam is finding it harder to believe him.

Sam zones out more often. The only thing that can bring him back is deans touch. Deans heavy hand on his shoulder bringing him back down to earth, grounding him. Deans always looking at him with this sad smile. Sam feels like he's failed him.

Lucifer is with him when he finds out dean got the mark of Cain. "Oh that's a nasty little thing." Lucifer comments next to him. Sam has taken to ignoring him, it eases deans mind.

Dean is getting worse and worse. And so is Sam. Dean is slowly losing care for Sam and he's not there for him anymore. He's not there to ground him, to pull him back.

Sam starts zoning out for longer periods of time. Dean doesn't seem to care, only rolls his eyes. Lucifer watches perched on a chair next to him. "Does big bro not love you anymore?" Sam flinches.

Lucifer is there when dean dies.

Lucifer is there when Sam finds the note. "Aww big brother left you." Lucifer laughs.

Sam is spiralling. Lucifer talks to him more and more as Sam searches for his brother. No-one is there to ground him anymore. No-one is there to help him. One day Sam accidently talks back to Lucifer. Lucifer looks shocked for half a second before that cold smirk comes back to his face.

"Its been years since you talked to me Sammy." Lucifer says one day as Sam is reading a book on demons. "I missed our little talks." Sam slams the book shut. "Shut up." He hisses.

Lucifer is right there as Sam ducks down to avoid the hammer. "I never knew why Alastair liked this one." Cass appears. Thank god. Sam falls back against the wall and helplessly covers his ears. He knows it won't block him out. "Sure he ripped apart a lot of souls in hell, but a hammer?" Sam hits his head against the wall. "Shut up shut up shut up." Lucifer laughs at him. Cass pays him no mind.

Lucifer is there when the darkness is unleashed. "Ooh aunty." He says next to Sam. Sam flinches, dean places a hand on his arm. All three stand there and watch.

"You know, I find it really uncomfortable that your brother has a thing for my aunt." Lucifer says one day. Sam looks him right in the eye. "Shut up, Lucifer." Sam hasn't looked directly at Lucifer for at least 3 years. Lucifer smiles coldly at him as dean walks up to Sam, worry and fear etched into his face. Palms out towards him like he's trying not to scare off a frightened animal. Sam doesn't feel too far off from that.

Lucifer is with Sam when he goes to see real Lucifer. Sam thinks he's going crazy.

"So, you're still seeing me huh?" Real Lucifer asks him. Sam sucks in a breath as Lucifer stands to the side of the cage. "Oh c'mon Sam. I've been inside that head of yours. There's nothing I don't know about you." Real Lucifer smiles down at him. Or is it fake Lucifer? Sam doesn't know anymore.

Lucifer is with him as he gets tourted by the British men of letters. Always sending words of encouragement, towards Toni.

Lucifer is sitting on the steps. "Ah remember our lovely time down under?" He asks, titling his head to get a better view of what the lady was doing. "Ooh blowtorch. You never did like fire huh?" Sam screams. He can bearly hear Lucifers laughter over his own screams of pain.

Dean comes and saves him. Hands all over him as soon as they're out. Lucifer rolls his eyes at them. "Mother hen." Sam tenses up.

Lucifer is there when their mother leaves them. "I guess everyone hates ya huh Sammy?" Lucifer smiles at him. Dean doesn't react, doesn't even look at him.

"Never did like the brits." Lucifer says one day. Sam smiles. Deans hands are on him straight away.

Lucifer is there when Jack is born. Lucifer is there when cass is killed. Sam thinks he's seeing double, two Lucifers talking to him at the same time.

One Lucifer stays with him, one goes with his mother. He's not sure which is which. So he asks. Lucifer laughs at him. Dean doesn't put a hand on him.

Dean always stands closer to him after that, he's always making sure that they're touching, that they're shoulders are brushing. Lucifer gets annoyed at dean. Tries to hurt him. Sam sleeps less and less, just in case, just in case one day Lucifer succeeds.

Lucifer sits right next to Sam one day, getting all up in his personal space. Dean isn't in the room. Sam silently sobs.

Lucifer is always hovering around Jack, making terrible remarks about the kid. Sam snaps one day. "Leave him alone!" Lucifer smiles at him, Jack looks up at him like a confused puppy, and dean is dragging him out of the room, his fingers digging into his shoulder blade.

Jack has started to avoid him after that. Dean tells him not to worry about it, but it breaks Sam's heart. Lucifer laughing at him for it all the time is not helping.

Lucifer is there when the vampires get him. Cheering to the side of the cave. And Lucifer is there when he wakes up. He didn't know that it was the real Lucifer.

Lucifer is with him when he makes it back to Dean, both of them. Sam only knows which one is real beacuse everyone is looking at that one. Sam feels like he's failed Dean, again.

Dean hugs Sam, but it doesn't feel real, it doesn't feel right. Lucifer pokes his blood caked neck, Sam jerks away from dean. Dean looks at him with heart broken eyes.

Deans hand is on him all the time now. Holding his arm, brushing their shoulders together. It makes Sam feel jumpy.

Sam makes sure Lucifer stays in this world. He doesn't know which one he trapped, but he hopes it was fake Lucifer. Real Lucifer is easier to deal with.

Lucifer is there when real Lucifer is killed. Sam smiles at him.

"So much for your win Sammy." Lucifer says one day while Sam is sitting in the darkness of his room. "Sure you killed me, but you lost your big brother." Sam wishes he could punch him.

Lucifer is there when Sam gets dean back.

Dean makes a comment on his beard. "Don't listen to him Sammy." Lucifer says as dean walks off. "I think you look good." Sam shaves his beard off after that.

Lucifer is there when Michael possesses dean again. He's laughing the whole time. Dean won't help him, can't help him. Dean is gone.

"Let him in the box Sam!" Lucifer suddenly snaps at him one day, making Sam jump. "Get rid of Michael!" Sam starts to cry. It's too much, not even deans touch is helping him anymore. It feels wrong, alien.

Nick attacks him, Lucifer is cheering him on. "Ah I wish he was my true vessel!" Lucifer exclaims as Sam's vision darkens.

Mary is dead, Jack is gone. "Bye bye mother Mary." Lucifer sings. Sam flinches, dean doesn't care.

"Oh so you can't put your brother in that box, but you sure as hell can put my son in?" Lucifer is yelling in his ear. Sam punches the air. Deans hands on him don't help.

Chuck comes back. Lucifer snarls at him, never stops yelling at him. It's hard for Sam to pay attention to anything, he can't hear anything over Lucifers yelling. Deans hand is on his shoulder the whole time, but he seems out of it.

Lucifer was quiet for a while after God killed Jack. Sam counts his blessings.

Lucifer is there when they rendered chuck powerless. He seems to have a grateful look on his face.

Lucifer isn't there when dean dies.

Lucifer isn't there when miracle dies.

Lucifer is there when Sam's on his death bed. He's standing in the corner of the room, arms crossed over his chest. He waves, and Sam's vision fades.

Sam's free.

Sam's finally free.

[antiloreolympus]

4 Anti LO Asks

1. This isn’t just for LO, but to all HxP adaptations: people are allowed to not like it, even hate them. They dont need to justify why they don’t like it, since you can try and change the word to more flowery language (the “taking” of Persephone is trying to be a thing now) but it’s pretty obvious why many would not be comfortable with it, and are even offended by these romantic rewrites. They shouldn’t have to go through their possible sexual assault or abuse history to justify not liking a mediocre webcomic. In many ways the original myth be read as calling out a common cruelty that happened so frequently in that time period, and something that still happens in many places around the world. Death is not some romantic thing, it’s cruel and often unjust, and the myth was in a way was giving a voice to the countless silenced mothers and daughters who died to each other upon a daughter’s marriage. This isn’t some myth that was unfairly treated for centuries, it’s pretty obvious why people didn’t see it favorably and still do. I seriously do not get how these supposed masters of mythology and literature cannot comprehend why there’s an obvious distaste for hades and persephone being rewritten into a consenting romance. That’s not saying these rewrites cannot exist, I prefer them to the original, cruel myths, but the shock that these creators and readers have that many have major issue with these changes is just ridiculous. It’s a complete lack of self awareness, and frankly arrogance. People are allowed to not like your work, but especially are allowed to despise taking an infamous myth of female suffering and turning into how the man is the real victim. It’s not hard to see why.

2. i just dont get why lo persephone looks so much like rhea, and now rachel makes a point to say hades is similar to kronos? why would you pin your romantic leads visually and seemingly personality/powers-wise to the most toxic and abusive relationship in the whole series? is kronos also way older than rhea, got with her when she was only 19/20, and was her only "safe" option from her overbearing mother? because this visual and narrative choice to say theyre so similar has really bad implications.

3. I have seen some say LO persephone is justified because "Demeter kills people with her long winter" but that was literally her grief, not personal maliciousness. Demeter didn't do it on purpose, she was in such despair that the world reacted along with her. That's an actual case of you can't blame them for their emotions. If anything the blame would be on Hades for disrespecting her/keeping her daughter hidden and Persephone (in LO) not bothering to be mature and being honest with her mother.

4. if RS's name wasnt on LO and you said a man drew it, people would call out how the women are overly sexualized in non-sexual situations, the backbreaking s-posing, and putting Persephone, who in canon is barely legal, in revealing clothes if not completely naked is gross, but because they know its a woman making it its just stylization? Just b/c she's a woman doesnt mean she doesnt her own misogynistic biases. Stop treating a nearly 40 year old woman like a child, she should know better by now.