#in terms of my personal reading experience

[poopylumpkins]

I finally watched this movie, it hit me so hard.

I’d been listening to the soundtrack for a while, as a bad habit, I tend to listen to movie soundtracks before watching the source material—and I’m really into Yeule’s music—so I discovered the movie thru the release of their featured song in the movie.

I finally gave it a chance and, wow.

Huge tangent under the cut <3

I’m nonbinary. I’m afab. This movie resonated with me so much.

Making this discovery was a hard one, it was like I’d opened Pandora’s Box.

One of my other (dearest) friends had come out as nb when we were younger and it scared me, it was something I was aware of but pushed away in fear of discovery. Same with my lesbian identity. But the TV kept glowing, I wouldn’t lose them over my own cowardice. Eventually I realized I was lesbian, I’d realized I was trans.

Sometimes I feel connected to womanhood, to my femininity.

For the sake of others, I sacrifice my otherness for their comfort. I go by all pronouns because I’m afraid of dropping “she” from everyone else’s mind. I go by they/she in public spaces where I feel safe enough to do so, but at home, I’m still just a woman, I’m still “her”. Only that.

And it’s difficult reconciling this when I do dress femininely, when I let my friends call me woman. Even when I do that to myself, because I am, paradoxically, as I am not. I don’t know, gender is hard. I present as a woman to a lot of people, so I have experiences socialized as such.

Not to tote any weird superiority complexes, but I like the way God is described in the bible. “I am that I am.” The image of everyone, man, woman, otherwise, all simultaneously.

I feel maybe it’s like that for me, with womanhood. I am woman, I am something else. I like masculine terms for myself sometimes. Sometimes it feels like an empty space. Like [Owen] described it on the bleachers to [Maddy]. I severely hate overly gendered conversation. As a transmasc person, I do like dude and bro but yk even that gets tiresome.

“Yes, Girl.”

“Queen.”

“Miss.”

Only my closest friends call me by “they/them” pronouns, even then, I let it slip when they don’t get it right. But they know me for who I am beyond the screen, and I do just go by any pronouns. But we’re also just used to pushing that away in the eyes of others who don’t see the screen glowing.

In I Saw The TV Glow, Owen and Isabel are parallels to each other (because they are one and the same), they’re both too cowardly for confrontation, Isabel realizes she’s dying [as Owen] and apologizes for the sake of others’ comfort, at the end of the movie, at the outburst her realization causes.

The ending is left up to interpretation, whether she buries herself in the ground with Tara, or she continues to die, living a life as someone fake.

I like to remain hopeful, optimistic. Though, “there is still time,” might read as a warning—you still have time, but it will run out eventually—I see it as a message of hope for those of us who can’t explore our gender identities as freely as others. An eventuality.

During the wire breakage scene, where [Owen] finds herself stopped in the road—where she finds the burning papers of the episode guides, she reads “S06:e01” I like to think that that is where the movie ends and her true life begins. She does break out of the midnight realm.

She doesn’t continue to cower away, though she is wont to do. She opened her chest up and saw her missing heart, saw the “Pink Opaque,” and ran back to Tara, leaving this world behind, and saving face with her apologies.

..

This movie also filled me with existential dread.

When [Owen] watched the finale’s tape, when she launched her head into the tv and mourned the fact that her father wasn’t really her father—a foreboding, looming figure representing prominent patriarchal ideals—when she told us about how it was “time to become a real man,” when her father died, further burying herself into this life that wasn’t hers with a family that wasn’t either—it was terrifying.

We never see that family she had onscreen, and the mention of them makes [Owen] look so defeated. She watches the “Pink Opaque” again and it isn’t as she remembers. Just as Mr. Melancholy said would happen.

“Soon you won’t even remember that you’re dying.”

Whole movie was such a harrowing, representative experience. I sobbed. I mourned. It was like mourning for a past me, for the parts of myself that must stay hidden, for covering the screen.

And the fact that Tara was relatively butch in her real life, but was an awkward girl experimenting with her feminine expression up until she realized she had to escape in the Midnight Realm. I felt connection to her expression as much as I did Isabel’s egg crack.

They were so lesbians for each other, too, be it in a qpp sense or in another way.

…

Here I am listening to the OST again, replaying Yeule’s cover of “Anthems for a 17-year-old Girl,” on my 20th birthday (oh yeah that’s today) and just.. feeling such a frenzy of emotions.

Ultimately, just—

There will still be time. You’ll bury the you that isn’t authentic in the ground and rise as your truest form eventually. There will always be eventually. There will always be you..

I will be there waiting for me.

But I know that's not true. That's just fantasy. Kid's stuff.

I SAW THE TV GLOW (2024) dir. Jane Schoenbrun

[stclaretarot]

PAC ⭒ what’s going on in your future spouse’s love life right now?

reminder that this is a general reading and messages found here may not apply to everyone. take what resonates, leave what doesn't, and don't force anything if it does not fit.

BOOK A READING WITH ME · LINKTREE · 18+ PATREON · TIPS ♡ tips, bookings, and feedback are highly appreciated!

GROUP ONE

cards pulled · king of cups, king of pentacles, judgement (reversed), page of pentacles, queen of swords. 

channelled songs · god only knows - mono by the beach boys. dead to me by kali uchis. already by beyoncé. crybaby by mariah carey & snoop dogg. 

my dear group one  ♡ right now, your future spouse may be experimenting with their sexuality and their gender identity/gender expression.

they may currently be in a same-sex relationship. or presenting themselves different from how they used to present themselves -- different name, different fashion, different style of makeup. or they may just be at a point where they will date or sleep with just about anyone who shows an interest in them.

they are really leaning into having fun and enjoying themselves, without committing to anyone or anything. they are trying to find themselves and understand who they are as a person. 

GROUP TWO

cards pulled · ten of wands, knight of pentacles, three of pentacles, king of wands, ace of pentacles. 

channelled songs · megaverse by stray kids. you by yu bin. life is still going on by nct dream. creepin’ by metro boomin’. 

my dear group two  ♡ the words “situationship so bad i had to reconnect with nature” immediately came to mind. so your future spouse may have recently ended a relationship, and is going through a break-up. .while they may have this urge to wallow, they are refusing to do so. 

instead, your future spouse is picking up hobbies and getting into new activities. they are going hiking. they are foraging and gardening. they are applying to jobs, or focusing on career or their academics. they are doing anything to get their life in order and to get their mind off this relationship -- and to get their mind off this person. and how this person hurt them, likely by cheating on them. 

GROUP THREE

cards pulled · ten of swords, temperance, nine of swords, the hanged man, two of swords. 

channelled songs · mi gente - homecoming live by beyoncé & j balvin. dilemme (with tha supreme) by lous and the yakuza. do it by chloe x halle. money trees by kendrick lamar. 

my dear group three ♡ your future spouse is going through some hits and misses in love. they are in and out of a lot of short-term relationships. they are going through a lot of talking stages. they are going on soooo many first dates. 

but, despite it all, nothing goes very far. nothing seems to stick. 

their current circumstances make your future spouse wonder if they will ever be loved or ever have the romance that they not only desire but dream of. because of this, they may end up in a bad relationship (that is toxic, unhealthy, or just simply boring and unfulfilling) because they feel as if this is their last chance at love. or because they are too afraid that they are getting too old for love, and especially for the love that they want. 

GROUP FOUR

cards pulled · the star, ten of wands, three of wands, the lovers, six of wands. 

channelled songs · start it up by alex mali. race against time part 2 by tank & ja rule. hiroshima by lous and the yakuza. love language by sza. what it is by amy winehouse. 

my dear group four  ♡ your future spouse is soooo in love. like just so, so, soooooo in love, at the moment, with the person they are currently in relationship with. 

this relationship may be one with you or it may be a relationship with someone else, but whoever this is, your future spouse truly feels as if this is the love of their life. for some, like i said, this is may be a relationship with you, while for others it may be that you will be your future spouse’s second (or even third) marriage.

but, right now, your future spouse is planning the rest of their life with this person. they may be planning an engagement or planning for a baby. in general, they are so excited to start their life with this person!

[stumpyjoepete]

My favorite religious beliefs are the ones that neither make a lot of sense nor follow from a straightforward reading of the canonical texts. Dumb ideas that only a very clever person could have come up with.

Top three that I can think of off the top of my head (please add more):

Rabbi Isaac concluding that Melchizedek (a guy who shows up in all of two sentences) must have born circumcised, since he's "salem" (perfect) but was born before the promulgation of the commandment he would have needed to follow in order to be so. Really have to peel back the layers of the text to figure this one out. *ducks*

Immaculate conception. One reading of this is that theologians painted themselves into a corner with original sin and came up with a superfluous non-solution to their self-imposed problem. I guess the other reading is that the Catholic church rejected the Gospel of James as scripture and then canonized its views 1400 years later, as a meditation on the divine mysteries of paraconsistent logic.

What happens when two exclusive cannibals have a baby?: 1. Aristotle thinks most of the aspects of the mind/soul must be physically embodied to exist. The exception is the intellect, but it's unclear whether this "intellect" is compatible with the folk notion of a soul (e.g., personal memories persisting after death). 2. Ibn Rushd (Averroes) answers in the negative. We all have immortal souls, but they're actually just the same soul. All the personally distinctive stuff is the (mortal) body. 3. Thomas Aquinas hates this, but is wedded to Aristotelian philosophy. I can't say I understand his synthesis, but he does insist on a belief in the bodily resurrection in the end times. The embodied parts of your mind/soul are ultimately restored to you; it's only mortal in the short term. 4. Ok, but what happens if you lose an arm? Well, what happens if you lose an arm and someone else eats it? {increasingly elaborate thought experiments about cannibalism and resurrection}

[god-blues]

An Analysis of Clive Rosfield and the Dominants of FFXVI

finally writing this post after having brain worms about these themes since [checks notes] the game came out last year, so here goes

every single dominant in the game represents a theme to clive rosfield in some shape or form, and serves to mark the progress of his growth across the narrative of the game. either as an obstacle to overcome, or as a guiding beacon imparting him with purpose to keep carrying on

i'm going to look at each dominant that clive faces in the chronological order in which he absorbs their eikons, so we're starting from benedikta even though jill and joshua were the first ones in clive's life, and go from there. i'll be leaving leviathan out of this since i think that one's the most disconnected from clive's journey and has the least to say about him as a person (makes sense since it's DLC and not necessary for the full story)

also, this is obviously just my own interpretations of the game's themes and the way it utilizes their characters in clive's journey etc etc. i'm not saying this is the only Correct way to look at it, i just wanted to get my thoughts out on paper as a nice little overview for myself and others interested in that kind of thing

it's about 2k words long so i had to add a read more. onwards!

Benedikta Harman

benedikta and clive share similar traumas. both were enslaved at a young age, and while their experience of it differed for both, the similarities are so stark that the game practically spells it out for you. basically: benedikta is where clive would have ended up had he ignored or rejected cid's guidance

imo it's no coincidence that cid and benedikta have the history of cid having saved her from slavery when she was a young girl, because it mirrors how he saves clive and jill as well. the difference is that unlike clive and jill, benedikta did not end up with the benefit of gaining a support system like the hideaway

instead, she was taken in, used for her powers as a dominant and manipulated by barnabas, and eventually abandoned by cid which left her in an even worse place. with no other way to survive, she could only hold onto barnabas to grant her status and power to protect herself

now whether cid was wrong or right for leaving her behind is not something i'm gonna go into since we don't know enough about the circumstances in which it happened. from the way cid speaks to benedikta in game, benedikta and barnabas were responsible for acts he didn't agree with ("because i'd had enough of you and your king's antics"), so we'll leave it at that

that aside, though, it left benedikta to fend for herself, with no one she could have truly relied on. clive and jill, on the other hand, found a new home with people who understood and shared in their struggles, and with cid there to guide them

it makes the boss fight clive has with benedikta rather tragic, looking back on it. this is one of the boss fights that don't necessarily symbolize growth for clive, at least not in a positive way: he loses control just as benedikta did. it's a fight between two hurt people hurting each other because it is all they know how to do

the only difference is that one of them has people he can rely on, and the other is alone, used as a tool and then discarded when she served her purpose. the same as would have happened to clive, had he never escaped slavery

Cidolfus Telamon

it makes sense that we go from benedikta to cid after that, because once clive comes to terms with his trauma and Accepts The Truth, he moves onto the path of recovery. being that he doesn't know how to navigate that, however, cid becomes a natural mentor to him

from the start, you get the sense that cid has already decided in his mind that he wants clive to be his successor and keep the hideaway safe. the man is living on borrowed time, his arm turning to stone and coughing up blood every time he exerts his aether in any significant way. note what blackthorne tells clive the first time they meet, as well: "don't let cid decide what's best for you". cid clearly has a habit of steering people in certain directions

clive, who is at a loss on what to do now that he has been stripped of his original purpose, which was to avenge joshua, of course clings onto the new purpose that cid guides him towards. this is not to say that cid does so in a manipulative way: clive wants and needs to feel useful, and cid offers a way for him to do that to both their benefit. by the time they head to oriflamme, they hold a mutual trust between them, and clive views cid with clear respect and admiration, enough to pledge himself to cid's cause

the interesting part in all this is the way how clive absorbing ramuh coincides with him absorbing cid's ideals and cid's very identity as well in order to carry on his legacy. in the process, a part of clive's own identity becomes subsumed by this role he takes on as "cid" and the hideaway's new leader, quoting cid at various moments after the timeskip ("any objections?"). it is no different than the roles he fit himself into throughout his life or failed to fit into ("...prince, Shield, son his mother could love")

i always wonder what cid would have thought of that. i muse about it more in this post, if you're interested

Hugo Kupka

hugo kupka embodies, very plainly, refusing to accept the truth and being blinded by vengeance.

both hugo and clive were wrapped up in this idea of needing to get revenge, and for both of them that revenge was built on a lie. whereas clive confronted the truth of what happened to joshua and was able to move on because of it, hugo became wrapped up in a deception (albeit externally inflicted) and let it consume him

in so doing, he became a useful tool for barnabas that was then discarded as soon as his purpose of giving clive titan was fulfilled. his revenge amounted to nothing. but that is not to say that vengeance is being condemned by the narrative, rather, being blinded by it is.

clive, having seen and accepted the truth, exacts a much more righteous retribution on hugo for having destroyed the hideaway and having killed so many, all because of a lie that cid had killed benedikta

rather than let the need for vengeance rule him, clive wields it only when it is deserved. he overcomes the manipulation where hugo does not, and hugo suffers the consequences where clive emerges victorious

Dion Lesage

dion is similar to benedikta in that he exemplifies the outcome of a path that clive could have walked, but ultimately escaped from: to be used as a weapon, and to be trapped by his desire for approval from a parental figure. had clive been revealed to be a dominant much earlier in his life, there is no doubt in my mind he would have been in the same position that dion ended up in with his father. i've written about it more extensively in this post, so i won't repeat all of it

the gist of it is that dion is a tragic hero from beginning to end- unlike clive, he is unable to escape his fate. he embodies the self-sacrifice and endless striving for a parent's affection despite never being good enough

the sidequest with tomes is especially heartbreaking when keeping this in mind, because unlike clive who was able to accept the "sin" he committed in "killing joshua" (as well as actually killing rodney), dion cannot forgive himself for the sin of killing his father and destroying twinside

like i mention in the post i linked, it's no coincidence that clive reunites with joshua in the same scene where dion's sin is born. clive lets go of his guilt and moves forward, whereas dion becomes entrenched in his guilt to where it drives him to sacrifice his very life in an attempt to make up for it

on top of that, when you look into additional lore you see what a horrible person sylvestre truly was. ultimania reveals he had dion's mother assassinated in order to hide that he was born to a commoner, and a courtesan at that, and used dion's status as bahamut's dominant to become emperor. then you realize the full depth of the tragedy that is dion's story

dion died trying to redeem himself to a man who saw him as nothing but a tool, and had fully deserved to be killed by his hand all along

Jill Warrick

jill is, pretty much, what keeps clive's will from breaking

their romance absolutely cannot be separated from this, so even if you personally might not ship these two, canon is very clear about this

jill has always given clive the strength to carry on, more than anyone else. when he first finds her during his assassination mission at the nysa defile and realizes that it is her, he is ready to abandon his quest to avenge joshua and die together with her when they are about to be overrun by the iron kingdom's soldiers. and when she wakes in the hideaway later, she is the one who gives him the strength to face what happened at phoenix gate, and accept the truth of who he is

to elaborate on this: the game's mechanics give the major enemies a Will Bar you have to deplete for a reason, similar to how dominants lose control of their eikons when something causes their Will to break, and why ultima continuously tries to wear away at clive's Will throughout the game: willpower is an essential thematic component of the narrative, and jill being there for clive is what keeps his Will from breaking

i think it's very purposeful that the only time clive is truly defeated is by barnabas (if you'll remember the mocking Clive Bested pop-up lol). it's also to hype barnabas up as a villain, yes, but also to exemplify he needs jill--needs to absorb shiva--in order to overcome his greatest adversary yet

there's some discourse about the english vs japanese translations of the scene they share at the beach, and i'm not interested in getting into that: the english dialogue is what encompasses canon to me first and foremost. so, going off that, we get a scene where jill entrusts shiva to him, which might first be seen as clive taking the burden of it from her. which is true, but! it is also what gives clive the strength to carry on

in that way i think the game strikes an interesting balance between what is a "burden" and what is "strength". yes, carrying the hopes and dreams of your fellow comrades on your back is a heavy weight, but it is simultaneously something to draw strength from, because through that same token clive knows he's not alone. jill and everyone else at the hideaway is with him

Barnabas Tharmr

barnabas is clive's ideological foil, another path he could have walked. i could write an entire essay on this particular point alone, but most of it would be speculation and my personal headcanons based on the scant few lines we get from barnabas in-game and the added lore in ultimania, so i'll spare you. if you want to know more about how i see barnabas, cid and clive fitting together in terms of their ideology, though, refer to this post

anyways, this one is pretty obvious: barnabas represents the relinquishing of human will and becoming a slave to a higher power

i've mentioned in past posts before that ultima embodies the pinnacle of a slave master, tying in with the theme of it within the game- even the combat mechanics are built around it, as i mentioned in jill's section. what if clive never escaped slavery? what if he had succumbed to ultima and truly became mythos? that's pretty much barnabas in another form

barnabas is also the antagonist clive tries to talk to the most, even saying to him verbatim during their second duel at the bottom of the sea "we don't have to do this". their fights are not only physical fights, they are verbal and ideological ones: through their battles, they begin to build an understanding of each other, leading barnabas to come to the realization that he never truly relinquished his will at all

this realization signifies clive's ideological victory, and thus barnabas is fittingly the final dominant you fight before you face ultima themselves. every step of clive's journey has been leading up to this: working through his trauma and hurt, finding community and purpose, accepting the truth to no longer be lead astray, letting go of the need for approval and validation, carrying the hopes and dreams of his loved ones, and proving the strength of his ideals

Joshua Rosfield

joshua is the genesis of clive's search and need for a purpose

not by joshua's own hand, of course. he was just a baby, after all, but the birth of the dominant of the phoenix meant that clive no longer had a purpose (at least, in anabella's eyes). if clive could not be the dominant that his mother wanted, then the next best thing would be to become the shield that his brother needed

except, joshua turns this notion entirely on its head by the end of the game

he saves clive not once but twice, first in oriflamme, then later in the rift when ultima is trying to possess clive once more. both times, joshua thwarts ultima: both times, it is joshua who functions as clive's shield. he is upset when he thinks clive has pressured jill into giving him shiva, because he thinks it is clive yet again trying to shoulder the burden all by himself

there are many different interpretations of the ending of the game, but joshua is in part why my personal view is that clive is the one who lived and joshua is the one who died. joshua has always been clive's foremost protector, and through his sacrifice, clive is "released" from his roles and his need for a purpose to make himself useful his entire life

as a result, joshua is the one who sets clive free at the end of clive's journey. that is what allows clive to overcome ultima, who would see mankind shackled to their will, and instead has clive leading mankind to freedom in turn

In Conclusion

this game's themes fuck severely and i will be thinking about them for a long time to come. thanks for reading 🫡

[thydungeongal]

My experience with playing ttrpgs is that the role of the "game master" in modern ttrpg culture often has the expectation of being something like a blackjack dealer or a parent hiding the eggs for the easter egg hunt. Playing strictly non-hierarchical skirmish combat games really opened my eyes to how much more fun it is when everyone at the table is just *a player* and nobody has a disproportionate responsibility to craft a satisfying play experience for everyone else. I haven't read much of the AD&D rules but I get the impression that at the genre's roots this wasn't always as significant an issue. Do you think rulebooks in the future can do more to roll back this assumption??

So, to my understanding older editions of D&D specifically inherited the idea of the referee as an impartial arbiter of the rules from wargames, so while in many ways the early days of the hobby were all about putting a huge party of disposable freaks up against a gauntlet of challenges, the DM's purpose wasn't to leer at you from behind the screen and go hoo hoo hee hee at each PC that died.

Now, these toxic memes about GMs and players basically being in a constant competition of one-upmanship have been around for a long time and I don't think we'll ever be completely rid of them, but they tend to come in waves. And there are people trying to actively improve upon the culture: my personal contributions mostly amount to reminding people that, hey, the GM isn't a special guy you can just saddle with all the work of learning a game, the other players at the table should also make an effort; the people at @anim-ttrpgs just made a post about what the role of the Narrator is in their game, Eureka (and why they picked the specific term Narrator); and at least on the indie side of things there is generally a better culture of treating the facilitator/referee/MC as another player who is there to bring the game and work together with the others to make a cool story happen.

This also means that it is our moral imperative to go "That doesn't sound fun at all, why would you do that?" whenever people tell us their stories of just shitting all over their GM's prep or punishing their fellow players for perceived infractions.

[jam3sacaster]

“Miss Baddingham, you are bad news.” PT1

(Rivals) Declan O’Hara x Reader

Suggestion by a sweet anon ��🏽 / You, Lord Baddingham’s daughter, encounter Mr Declan O’Hara on your first day at Corinium… 💋

18+ FANFIC / SMUT. Medium length? Reader character aged at 21.

Alone in your father’s office at Corinium, you take the opportunity to snoop around his personal belongings. As a father, he was much less than devoted, but your mother had somehow managed to persuade him to let you uptake a small office job — faxing documents, organising fathers diary but most importantly, shadowing Declan O’Hara for journalistic experience. “What are you doing?” Tony Baddingham asked, tightly suited and lips pressed together in common anger. “Sorry, Dad. Just… having a look.” You sigh, taking a seat at the other side of his desk. Tony reclined in his seat ahead of you, leather brogues resting in front of your face and arms clasped behind his head. “So… no fuck ups today. Don’t speak to Declan unless you’re spoken to, don’t fax anything that you’re not told to, don’t leave until I’ve told you to.” Your father instructs you, and keeps a close eye on you, rolling your eyes. “Yes, Dad.” You drone, rising from your seat and taking a step towards the door. “I mean it. I’ll be watching.” He ominously informs you once again. Exasperated with his tedious words, you swing open his office door and slam it shut.

“That’s about the right reaction for leaving his office.” Declan chimes as he hurriedly sped past the office, clicking his fingers at you to follow him. How brilliant — a whole day with two chauvinistic pigs instead of one. “You shouldn’t click at me. I would’ve followed you anyway.” You tut, slouching after him to his personal office. Declan didn’t respond, but pushed his office door open for you to sit down. “Right, much to do today. Did ya’ check the notes ‘ya dad gave to ‘ya?” He grunts, lighting a cigarette and taking a seat in front of you. Avoiding eye contact the best you could, you exhaled and lit a cigarette of your own. “I don’t read anything that Dad tells me to. Cunt.” You spit, rolling your eyes. Declan couldn’t help but laugh — there wasn’t a truer sentence said, in his opinion.

“Ya’ not too keen on him then?” He asks, glancing up at you from his mounds of paperwork. “No. He’s a pig, rude, and cheats on my mum all the time with this Cameron girl.” You utter, eyes scanning the windows of the office, willing the universe to allow a glimpse of the woman that ruined your parents marriage. “I think we’re going to get along,” Declan begins, before clearing his throat, “Cameron’s good at what she does, but I don’t see why Tony’s so interested. She’s twenty years younger than him, fa’ fucks sake.” His words feel like a twisting knife in your stomach. It took a lot to come to terms with your fathers infidelity — your mum handled it so well, but seeing her sitting alone in the lounge every night was simply too much for you to bare.

“Are you married?” You question the Irishman through an elongated puff of your cigarette. He visibly takes a moment to carefully consider his response, placing his paperwork back down on the desk and looking up at you. “I was. Not really anymore.” He states. Furrowing your brow, you can’t help but speak with an upturned nose. “Not really? How can you not really be married?” You ask.

“The same way ya’ father is not really married anymore.” Declan snaps, his harsh tone unwavering. Ouch. But, being the self-assured Baddingham that you are, you continue to probe him. “So you’re a cheat?” You snidely remark. “Not me.” He replies, tapping ash from his cigarette and maintaining intense eye contact with you. For once, you were left speechless. If there was one thing you had inherited from your father, it was most definitely your self-important, highly confident personality. Lifting your foot up underneath the desk, you raised it up Declan’s leg, stroking down the length of it gently.

•

“What are ya’ doing?” He quizzes, fighting the urge to smirk at your boldness. “I’ve watched your show. I love the way you pick apart your guests. It’s always been a dream of mine to have you bend me over that chair and fuck me senseless.” You wink, simpering at your own comment. Coughing in a flurry of both sheer shock and exhilaration, Declan’s gaze widened. “Listen, Miss Baddingham, you are bad news.” He mutters softly. In all honestly, there was nothing more than Declan would love to do than your suggestion. But the hypocrisy of being intimate with you after chastising Tony so heavily for sleeping with Cameron was too much for him to swallow.

Scraping your chair across the floor, you clambered onto your knees and crawled under Declan’s desk. Screwing up his face in confusion, Declan kept a close eye on the happenings outside his office. Briskly unzipping his trousers and pulling his erect cock from his boxers, you awaited for his gruff moan as you swirled your tongue around the reddening tip. “Fuck, ya’ such a naughty girl.” He grunts, scrambling for a pen from his drawer in order to feign busyness. Desperate to draw out this pleasurable experience for him, you sucked at the tip for a few moments, smirking through a full mouth as you watched his squirming legs from the corner of your eye.

Placing a gentle hand on your head, Declan stroked his brutish fingers through your hazelnut hair, his spine shivering from intimacy. Taking a deep inhale, you take as much of his 9 inch girth into your mouth as possible, saliva escaping from your lips as your head bobs slowly. Glancing up at him with sparkling eyes, Declan allowed himself a profound moan — the risk of it all heightening his senses. Chronically in need of Declan’s release, you maintain your tempo, the tip of his cock repeatedly hitting the back of your throat.

“Look at me whilst I’m in your throat.” He orders, pushing your chin up with his finger and moaning as he gets to see your wide, pure eyes. Raising your hands up to grab a hold of his thighs, you pushed your limits even deeper, speeding up and keeping him towards the back of your throat. “Fuckin’ hell. If ya’ keep going like that, ya’ gonna make me cum.” He spat out, but his words only spurred you on even further. Eyes watering and nose sniffling, you continued your passionate assault on his cock — lust taking ahold of common sense. Your incessant deepthroating became all too much for Declan, and his thighs seized furiously as he shot his sweet load down the back of your throat, coating the soft palate of your mouth. Swallowing it without a second thought, you scooted yourself out from under the desk as Declan hurried to zip his trousers up. Staring at him longingly as you wiped your mouth with the back of your hand, you winked at him with fluttering eyelashes. “I can’t believe we just did that. Ya’ fuckin’ minx.” Declan beamed with pride.

The door of Declan’s office was prized open, and it took Declan a few moments to fully grasp the mischievousness of the situation he found himself in this afternoon. Tony Baddingham, eyes ablaze with fury, bellowed as deafeningly as his lungs could manage, “What the fuck is going on?” Truly, it baffled you for a moment how someone would be in the know of your sexual escapade. That was until you turned to your side, and three quarters of the office looked on, twiddling their thumbs and pretending in futile that they hadn’t witnessed you on your knees for Declan O’Hara. It’s very possible that you may both be in a slight bit of trouble.

[windvexer]

How do you feel about the stance that you shouldn't read tarot for yourself about a situation that upsets/ worries you while you're still feeling upset about it?

I think it's a solid stance.

I've been reading tarot for a really long time, and the one thing that has always remained true for my practice - and what I have seen in others - is that you can't produce an accurate reading without impartiality.

Emotions are information, and that information overrides impartiality. In my experience this is true when it comes to tarot and indeed all forms of divination.

It has been a very long-standing rule of mine that querents should never send me background information on a question. That is because the background information leads me to form a judgment, and then I can't accurately interpret it.

And this is for a third party, probably someone I've never even talked to before. And my emotions can still override impartiality.

"Can I get a relationship reading for J? We had a falling out 2 months ago when I caught him texting other girls but now I'm giving him a second chance but he's being secretive with his phone again."

Okay, well now I feel a certain way about J. And no matter what cards I pull, I am going to have this emotionally driven narrative in my head. Even when I try to push it away, it's going to cloud the reading. Those emotions are going to discolor my interpretation, even if I pull cards that are technically accurate.

Imagine how much more distracting and misleading that emotional information is when it's my life, my strong feelings, and my personal investment in the outcome of a situation.

Getting an accurate reading under those circumstances is very difficult.

In my experience, while I'm upset it is very easy to produce readings that seem to be intense, solid, and affirmative according to my own verifications - only to realize later on that I literally just made the whole thing up, and none of it was true at all.

In addition, it's a bad idea in terms of mental health. If I'm already upset and anxious about something and I pull negative cards, I'm kicking myself while I'm down.

I'm not saying a person has got to be emotionless to perform divination. But I do think that a person has to stand in their own power. (Interpret that as you will). If you can find your power in being upset, like standing in the eye of the storm, perhaps you can read accurately while actively upset about the situation. I can't, and I don't think many people can.

So it's not as if being upset on a topic "magically" ruins the card pulls, or something like that.

I just think that it ruins our place of perspective, so that we are digging in the mud looking for a path forward, when we really should be sitting on a nice throne looking down at a map.

I think it sets you up for failure, and puts you at a very high risk for feeding yourself complete nonsense that you've decided is actually true, and then making bad decisions based off of bad intel.

And, IMO it's very unhealthy to let your moods hinge on whether you pulled a good card or not. Your emotions shouldn't be dependent on whether you pull Sun or Devil. But I think that people turn to divination in these circumstances precisely because they want to feel better. It's a risky game, and it's not a good idea to get in the habit of letting tarot poke at your bruises.

[las-lus]

Firefox Extensions

I've decided to make a list of my personal Firefox extensions in case anyone is looking for a recommendation list! I also add some User Scripts recommendations at the end!

Security Reasons:

uBlock Origin is a must. Blocks ads (including YouTube ads) and trackers and warns you if you click in any malicious link!

Privacy Badger is very similar to uBlock, as it blocks trackers as well, but it's more focused, so I like to use both to be safer!

Duck Duck Go Privacy Essentials is another tracker blocker, but with a layer of protection to your emails and searches. If you aren't using Duck Duck Go instead of Google for your day-to-day searches, I highly recommend it! It's like if Google didn't suck.

Shinigami Eyes isn't perfect, but lets me know if someone has been tagged as “anti-trans” by other people. I trust it on big sources like news websites or famous figures, and use it as a warning on smaller blogs/people.

Making my life Easier:

Auto Tab Discard deletes the memory of tabs I haven't touched in a while, but keeps them visually there so I can remember that they exist.

Xkit Re-written, as I'm sure most of you know, enhances Tumblr browser but a lot!

Djvu Viewer is criminally underrated! Djvu is an alternative to PDF files, which, if you didn't know, are owned by ADOBE. Instead of downloading PDFs, you could download them as DJVU and keep the internet free! (For an offline experience, I recommend Okular for reading). This is really useful if you download academy textbooks. Dvju is also lighter than PDF so they demand less of your computer.

Search By Image is literally what is says on the tin. Really useful if you want to find the source of art!

Ruffle is a flash emulator! If you miss flash games, just download this badboy and go have fun on neopets again.

Unpay Wall is only really useful if you read research papers, but it WILL save your life if you do.

No AI google Search keeps Ai out of your Google!!

The Wayback Machine has an extension so you can a) easily find archived websites and b) archive a website very fast!

Tabliss makes my firefox a bit slower, but it makes every new tab prettier and keep a to-do list so I can always check it! good for my adhd!

Mouse's Neopets Tools. If you followed my tip on #5 and decided to go back to neopets, this will help you a bit.

If you're not afraid of little code:

TamperMonkey is the best extension for user scripts! You don't need to know how to make a script, there are THOUSANDS available! HERE are some ao3 scripts!

GreaseMonkey is if you want to try your hand on writing your own scripts! Code isn't that hard, and making something silly for yourself is a great way to start.

WebScraper extracts data from websites if you want. I used this to create an organized Marked for Later AO3 file by changing this tutorial a bit!

That's it! Feel free to recommend more!

If you're really unfamiliar with terms like trackers or scripts, I'll try to explain it in quick words under here.

Trackers are all your data that websites can legally take from your online activity. This includes what you look for when online shopping, where you are and what time you use your internet, so companies can sell you better and more targeted ads. You don't want that, obviously, fuck ads and fuck companies making money selling YOUR data. Cookies are the most well known form of trackers, but not the only one! Tracker blockers will stop websites from collecting everything that is not essential for your use of their platform! They also make your browser faster because you're not wasting memory running the trackers.

You can test how easy (or hard!) it's to track your browser habits here!

User Scripts Are codes you can add to websites to make them better for you! All websites are coded in HTML, CSS or Java, which mean your browser is running their code in order for you to access them. Which MEANS you can edit the version of the code you're running! You can add or remove features, make the website more accessible or even improve them. As they are free and made by and for users, don't trust them implicitally!

Some examples of user scripts:

This one shows you coupons for various shopping websites without making you pay for it. This one adds a download button for youtube. This one makes it easier to read webcomics.

The good thing about user scripts is that if you dislike them, you can disable them and never think about them again! They are really easy to use and it's a shame people usually never even hear of User Scripts.

To end this, I'll say: don't be afraid of learning a bit of code! It's fun! It can make you feel dumb, but that's a universal experience, learning a new thing can shake you up a bit. But being comfortable checking a page's source code or editing a bit of HTML to make a website more accessible to you can make your life SO MUCH easier! I have a few links HERE if you want!

[greatrunner]

It is a truth universally accepted that when critiquing anything regarding AO3/OTW, reactionaries enter the building, and critical thinking and discernment gets locked out.

Nia Ola (on Substack) attempted to raise the alarm about AO3's changes in Terms of Service. This bit in particular:

Nia Ola: "[...]AO3 just updated their terms and conditions so that the only way you can use the site now is that you consent to them taking your data (so, works that you've written, distributed, saved, bookmarked, etc, everything) and give that data and information to the government."

In my time reading Terms and Conditions of Service, websites claiming that they're "duty bound" to provide data uploaded to the site to the govt, depending on jurisdiction, is not a surprise. You will not be informed or told by the site(s) when the government accesses/obtained your information. All on the pretense that it would "interfere with an ongoing investigation".

It isn't dissimilar to the one I've read here for Tumblr. The bit that says (legalese-y) that anything you post on the site can be used as evidence (IIRC) if it becomes "necessary."

But as usual, the AO3 brigade worked like hell to shout them down. Folk focused a lot on how OTW made their TOS "easier" to understand. They claimed Nia Ola was spreading misinformation. Most have gone as far as quibbling with her phrasing, "giving your information to the government" (which they would be doing) based on their personal interpretation of her meaning.

After making the video (they posted on TikTok) private, Nia Ola continued to encourage people to use security measures like VPNs and secure Browsers (they mentioned Firefox; I'm sure others are recommending Tor, Brave, and lesser-known browsers with better security features than Edge or Chrome) and to back up information they didn't want to lose.

Is it an explicit consequence of the election? Probably not. AO3/OTW knows entirely that they're hosting grimy shit on their website and refuse to do anything about it. AO3/OTW, like other websites, are "all-ages". Meaning OTW knows kids as young as 13 (and lets face it, younger) are using AO3. If the US or any other country decides it's politically advantageous to go after them, AO3/OTW is gonna cover their asses and throw you under the bus.

Point-Blank-Period.

That said, I think it would be irresponsible to exclude the election as a factor altogether. Organizations (govt or otherwise) are hang-wringing about rustling conservative feathers, and censoring themselves to avoid the wrath of a Trump Admin.

KOSA and COPPA are still in play. And there's the bill targeting non-profits to consider that's likely (and did) to pass not long after it got shot down.

When Tumblr wanted the favor of the Apple Store and their advertisers, they targeted sex worker blogs and fashion and art bloggers (primarily Black/non-Black). Then, they created an AI flagging system that still doesn't work.

When enough people (and advertisers) made enough noise about the NC-17 content that FanFiction (dot net) hosted on their site (at the height of its popularity, mind you)? They made a choice that allowed the website to survive and eliminate the target on their back. Both were financially motivated, yes, but if it's a choice of annexing content to stay online or getting shuttered?

AO3 will not be an exception. It's already embracing that "Obeying in Advance" phrase y'all are in love with right now.

Nia Ola is not the only one raising the alarm or alarmed by this decision. In your haste to fall on the sword for an organization that does not care about you, try not to make an ass of yourself by dog-piling people with experience regarding the consequences of data collection stemming from policies meant to criminalize sexual content, yeah?

This will continue unless we establish actual policies, education, and protections to prevent the mass surveillance of adult spaces under the pretense of "decency" and "protecting children." Additionally, we must address the ongoing elimination of healthy and safe spaces for children.

Because in our govt's haste to claim their concern for children, the corporations they serve have been demolishing child spaces and media online to save a couple of bucks (Cartoon Network's website comes to mind), and pushing children into adult spaces. And if they're not pushing kids into adult spaces, they're inviting adults into so-called kid spaces to increase their profits (Roblox and its attempts to become anything but a game for children, to say nothing of their monetization of the ideas that kids make).

Until our culture/society overhauls its approach to sex education, divorced from white supremacy, the actual intention of creating spaces that aren't sex-negative and don't prey on uninformed children will probably always exist in short bursts.

That means our politic has to rid itself of the reactionary ilk that (a) demonizes all things sexual and (b) refuses to practice discernment and critical thinking in their so-called sex-positive spaces. Both are why places like AO3 manifest and then ultimately help no one.

And it does not help anyone that reactionary AO3 loyalists will always fight to keep conversations about the site politically and socially stunted and unchanging.

Not all censorship and moderation is or should be sex-negative or censorious to the point of infantilizing. But, if the goal is maintaining free speech and freedom of expression (as we like to think of it vs how the govt allows it), it cannot be to the detriment of itself or for the sake of it (i.e., anti-censorship is not the answer any more than autocratic censorship is).

[power-chords]

She’s also going to try to track down a therapist who specializes in mood disorders, costs less $$$, and can see me sustainably long-term for talk therapy. I told her that I was having trouble processing what happened to me, probably a common sentiment in the aftermath of psychotic mania. She said I was lucky, that she sees a ton of bipolar patients, and that the fallout from mine was “nothing” (which was not to diminish the extremity of my experience, only to emphasize just how destructive the disease can be and often is). I had just enough insight, grit, and craftiness to recognize that my beliefs and perceptions were bizarre and required concealment from loved ones/employers. It was a blessing and a curse — on the one hand, very few people figured out that I was sick. On the other hand, very few people figured out that I was sick! What might have lasted three weeks dragged on for three months because the (reasonable, lmao) threat of involuntary commitment petrified me. I’d done the psychiatric ward once before in 2008 while waiting for a bed at Silver Hill to open up. Those 36 hours in a blank, padded room scarred me worse than anything I had ever done or had done to me under the influence. I was completely unprepared for the terror and humiliation that is the total revocation of one’s autonomy. The nurses were callous, and I felt like an animal. To call it dehumanizing is an understatement. As hostile as the environment in my head was becoming, I was convinced that the ER posed the more immediate danger and had to be avoided at any cost.

Somehow I succeeded. I was listening to a clinician on a podcast the other day, this guy who runs an outpatient facility for people with mood disorders, and he said that manic episodes inevitably end in one of three ways: death, jail, or hospitalization. HA HA! Not for me! Meep meep, bitch! Weaseled my way out of that one!!! (Ironically, it’s a permutation of the old AA/NA refrain I had heard so many times before: "We are people in the grip of a continuing and progressive illness whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions, and death." Dodged two bullets, apparently.) I have to laugh about it so I don't cry.

I'm sure it's annoying that I'm posting about this so much but having my whole life upended again at 36 was not on my bingo card. I had been so stable for so long, I was by all accounts a well-adjusted, normie-passing yuppie, and assumed the psychic turmoil of my youth was ancient history. It is a miracle that I was not seriously injured — for a while I was wandering city streets late at night, believing no harm could come to me — and that my career, finances, and marriage have survived intact. The statistics on bipolar illness are astonishingly grim. It’s like being in possession of a nuke inside your skull that can arm itself without warning and the codes to destroy your own life. You think of yourself as a sane person; you take for granted that the state of "sanity" is a robust and stable one, and that only the most extreme circumstances would push you over the edge. It is, and I do not use this term lightly, traumatizing to spend 12 consecutive weeks unmoored from reality and behaving in ways that are completely at odds with your personality. I am not a paranoid, angry person. I don’t hold grudges or presume the worst of others’ intentions. On the contrary! If anything, I am too trusting, too forgiving. I reflect on this past summer and don’t even recognize myself. The existential reckoning, the guilt and the shame, are overwhelming.

Last week I finished reading An Unquiet Mind and one of the things that struck me is how fortunate this woman was in three respects: the timing of when her manic depression struck (I.E., at intervals that still permitted her to finish college/her post-graduate studies), the uncommonly generous support of her family and colleagues (back when the stigma against mental illness was even worse than it is now), and probably most significant of all, access to superlative medical care (the UCLA psychiatric department) and responsiveness to lithium treatment. I benefit, thank god, from a situation with many of the same resources. She's led a fulfilling, successful, and ultimately long life. It felt good to read about a woman who played a "happy ending" out of the rotten hand she'd been dealt, whose experiences reflected so many of my own, and who seems to have retained her sharpness and verbal acuity well into old age. Cognitive decline is common as the illness progresses, and this is my greatest fear of all.

What's immediately, tragically evident in perusing the r/bipolar subreddit is just how many people find themselves in the exact opposite position. Insanity strikes at the worst possible moment; abandonment ensues from friends and employers, relatives and spouses; therapy and medication are lacking and insufficient, respectively. Financial and social ruin, and the resultant despair, are frequent outcomes. Dependency on SSDI and/or abusive and inescapable housing situations are documented left and right. The scope of the devastation is harrowing, and the guilt and humiliation that follows on its heels is a compounding cruelty. Knowing this, I am opting to feel lucky instead of unlucky. It has not been easy. It will not be easy. But I am as stubborn as they come, and I will figure shit out. "One day at a time," to borrow another 12-Step adage.

Dr. Ferrari referred me to a ketamine clinic and we're shooting for the week after Thanksgiving to commence infusions. She wants to space them out more than is typical, like every four days as opposed to every other day, to minimize the risk of triggering mania. But that's strictly precautionary and she thinks I'm an excellent candidate overall. Fingers crossed...

[moondal514]

Man I would’ve read the Captive Prince trilogy so much sooner if someone had told me how many similarities it shared with AFTG

[faerabbit]

listen i love snufmin as much as the next fella but most people i've encountered who ship it are like "ooh! aah! snufkin is so cool and mysterious, he must be dangerous (but in like a sexy way) and knows all the ways to woo someone-"

listen. listen. if snorkmaiden is anything to go by, then moomin would canonically be the more experienced with relationships. i bet snufkin doesn't even know how to hold hands /hj

[bacchuschucklefuck]

this whole thing being abt rage is also really interesting. I feel like it comes up so much in fiction as a motive because it's the one emotion that's unifyingly restless while everything else can be petrifying, and just personally nothing hits like impotent rage for me, esp. with teen characters, esp. with characters whose rage is stoked by Someone Else to further that Someone Else's cause. like you'll have done all that in a bout of passion and when you're done you look around you and nothing has changed. those sentiments don't get quelled by being satisfied. righteousness withdrawal is a horrible thing to intentionally drag someone into, least of all just some kids.

[idealism-world]

need y'all to realize tme doesn't mean transmasc. tme doesn't even mean afab (and the idea that tma people are attacking tme people for their agab is extremely transmisogynist) a cis man is tme. a cis woman is tme. transneutral people who are afab, amab, and intersex are mostly likely tme. intersex people can be tme or tma. tme just means Transmisogyny exempt. i'm tme. my parents are tme. You are just making it endlessly harder for tma people to talk about their oppression because you think every time they say tme they're attacking transmascs. maybe if you gave a fuck about tma people you wouldn't nitpick their language. just saying.

edit: i deleted my previous edit because i realized i was being stupid as hell.

[officially-other]

Frog (For context; I am the "host" or "original." We don't really like either term, but it's easier than saying "I'm the one who identifies with the name and body we use and I was the one to start the questioning process" lol.)

So, to be clear; Our collective isn't median, but we relate a lot to some median experiences. The concept of median plurality was our first step into plurality due to the fact that, up until we heard about median experiences, we'd only seen the more disordered forms of plurality. At least- those were the only forms of plurality we'd heard about in detail. For those of you reading this who aren't OP: I promise I asked before reblogging to make sure our experiences wouldn't be unwelcome.

This is a fucking WALL of text, and I would not blame you for looking at it and going "well I'm not reading that." I just figured it was better to give you a wall of text you'd never read than to give you something small that won't be helpful because I omitted the parts you'd find useful.

What made you start questioning whether you were a system or not? And what brought you to discovering and adopting the "median" label? As I began questioning my fictionkinity, I ultimately felt... weird. I confirmed who I was, and suddenly had what I assumed was a mental shift. Except it felt like I'd been plonked into someone else's life, and "I" spent the next few days feeling weird about it and cleaning because "what the fuck do you mean I live like this?" Turns out that was actually someone else, which I learned when consulting the plurality chat in the otherconnect discord server and coming away with the information that no, switching does not always look like getting booted out of first-person POV, or blacking out. It can look like "who 'I' am changing." When it comes to the median label- while we're not median, I can say what chose us to not settle on that term. I've seen median systems described as 'facets of one person' to an extent, or somehow being anything less than completely separate individuals. That may be inaccurate, but it's our understanding of the term. We feel INCREDIBLY strongly that this isn't the case with us. We're individual people and get really pissed when not respected as such.

Was there ever one, big "Aha!" Moment for you? Or several smaller ones? What was the event(s) like, what happened? The first "Aha!" Moment was the above, with the second being Malaika's appearance. Malaika was the first of our headmates other than me to show up properly and introduce herself, and idk what to tell you other than it's really fucking hard to deny what's happening when you have a vaguely feral witch going "Buddy intrusive thoughts don't have extensive conversations with you." After that, I feel like our life has been filled with "Aha" moments. Our mom commenting that she always felt like we were really unpredictable and inconsistent with our reactions to certain things, finding certain memories that we KNOW must have been a certain person fronting, our memory as a whole makes such much more sense through the lens of plurality, hell even the kintypes I was questioning suddenly made more sense when I realized they weren't me at all. They were some of my headmates experiencing phantom shifts and strong feelings about their kintype while fronting, or said shifts/feelings bleeding into my own when they were near front.

For neurodivergent medians, how did you differentiate your systemhood from the rest of your neurodivergencies? (Ex: the difference between autistic masking and subtle/fluid switches, identity issues from personality disorder vs genuine facets, etc) I feel this question in my BONES. The answer is... it's really fucking hard. After being in public social spaces for a while, we put on the autistic mask so hard that we tend to get blurry. Our mom has learned that if she asks if it's still whoever she dropped off at an event/appt/whatever as we get in the car, the most likely response is "aaauuhhhh.... probably?" Our biggest tool was learning that I'm not the default. That just because we're masking, or not feeling a particular strong sense for who's fronting, doesn't mean it's me. 9/10 times masking doesn't even cause a switch, it just causes confusion.

Do you experience some form of frontstuckness, whether it's "nobody can ever front except one facet" or "I'm a shell and everyone fronts through me"? Ngl this one is funny, if at Venti's expense (to be fair he thinks it's funny too.) During the election we were under lots of stress and Venti got frontstuck for three goddamn days. We're pretty sure he was properly frontstuck, since he couldn't hear anyone else either, but he was also just too scared to even try to pull someone up and switch out because he was afraid it wouldn't work and then he'd feel properly trapped. So technically we aren't sure.

Semi related to above, how do you recognize switches? Especially early in your journey. Are they subtle? Can you switch intentionally or is it random? Personally, we can switch intentionally. A lot of our switches are intentional. Intentional switches are much less subtle because we actively turn our mind's eye to the innerworld and "watch" the switch happen. Person A steps out of the body and back, person B steps into the body and grounds themselves. Beyond that, I... actually don't know. Maybe we'll pay more attention and write a post on how we experience switches after a while for fun.

How do you discover the identities of your facets, whether they're another you or someone entirely unique? This may be less relevant to you due to the fact that we aren't median, but: it helps that most of our headmates are fictives. I can recognize that certain characters have had a "will of their own" to me for a while, or that I feel emotions about a certain character's story as if it were my own, or sometimes it's as simple as "Wow I associate this song with this character!" "Hi." "WHAT THE FUCK WHEN DID YOU GET HERE-" As for non-fictive headmates, it's only happened... twice. We only have two of them other than me lol. Malaika introduced herself, and she's learned much about herself as she fronts. Jasper figured himself out because he woke up fronting and realized he wasn't someone we knew about yet.

Prior to self discovery, did you ever experience talking to your brain/body/"inner self" as a separate being to yourself, whether or not you actually believed they could respond or were conscious? Literally fucking constantly. I personified my brain and we still do. "I want to do this but brain says no." etc. While I didn't consciously personify everyone else, I did have lots of "my own thoughts" that acted completely on their own. I just was used to them, and as someone who experiences intrusive thoughts on the regularly, simply thought they were another form of that. They uh. They were not.

Have you ever had the experience of "not being able to pick just one aesthetic", which you later discovered was your plurality? THIS. I cannot express my feelings on this strongly enough; yes. I was in love with so many different styles of fashion- even ones I could never see myself wearing! Those ones in particular confused me. Turns out some headmates just like styles I would never wear myself. I felt a huge relief when I realized that I didn't have to pick one and could instead just try and gather clothes to fit a few different aesthetics. That feeling settled into everything, though, so that realization ended up not helping. Not able to just pick one career path, a small enough number of hobbies to reasonably sustain, and even though it feels really obvious saying it now I felt like I couldn't pick one personality. But that was just.... not obvious to me at the time. I couldn't pick just one way to be. Now I know it's because "I" am more than just me.

Are you monoconscious, polyconscious, or something else? Are your facets "conscious/aware" in headspace/while not fronting? Is the current fronter aware of/able to interact with the other facets while fronting? I said monoconscious in the replies, but actually the term we use is split-monoconscious. It's the best we've found so far. We have no innerworld... Except we do. Uh. It's complicated. Whoever's in/near front can only access the void. Hence our current collective name: "From The Void." But recently we've gotten a very strong sense that there is an innerworld, even some vague ideas of what it might look like, we just... can't access it or memories from it consciously when near/in front. We can interact with each other in the void; and do often! We like to chat. But whoever isn't in the void is completely inaccessible. I wouldn't call them unconscious though. As far as we can tell, they're aware and doing their own thing in our innerworld. They just lose memory of it the closer to front they get, almost immediately after getting pulled into the void.

HOO BOI this post is huge and I'm too tired to edit it, so if it's a messy ramble it'll just stay a messy ramble. We've been meaning to post about our experiences more, but haven't found the time, so your post asking some systems/collectives direct questions actually helped with that writers block. I hope this helps a little even though we're not median, and even if not thank you for reading all this way if ya made it!

Hiiii, plural community! Questions for median systems, while I explore the possibility of being one myself, answer as many as you like:

What made you start questioning whether you were a system or not? And what brought you to discovering and adopting the "median" label?

Was there ever one, big "Aha!" Moment for you? Or several smaller ones? What was the event(s) like, what happened?

For neurodivergent medians, how did you differentiate your systemhood from the rest of your neurodivergencies? (Ex: the difference between autistic masking and subtle/fluid switches, identity issues from personality disorder vs genuine facets, etc)

For those of you with no headspace or very limited internal interaction, what is that like for you? How did you discover your system and how do you communicate (if at all)? Do you experience uncontrolled inner voices, like a lot of multiple systems do, or something else (internal/"ghost" emotions, visual projections, random thoughts popping up)?

Do you experience some form of frontstuckness, whether it's "nobody can ever front except one facet" or "I'm a shell and everyone fronts through me"?

Semi related to above, how do you recognize switches? Especially early in your journey. Are they subtle? Can you switch intentionally or is it random?

How do you discover the identities of your facets, whether they're another you or someone entirely unique?

Prior to self discovery, did you ever experience talking to your brain/body/"inner self" as a separate being to yourself, whether or not you actually believed they could respond or were conscious?

For those of you who are stoners, how does weed affect you and potential switches? Does it make switching/recognizing a switch easier?

Have you ever had the experience of "not being able to pick just one aesthetic", which you later discovered was your plurality?

Are you monoconscious, polyconscious, or something else? Are your facets "conscious/aware" in headspace/while not fronting? Is the current fronter aware of/able to interact with the other facets while fronting?

⚠️ NO SYSCOURSE ON THIS POST ⚠️

I do not want to engage in syscourse, do not attempt to start any with me. I simply want to hear about others experiences and hope to learn something about myself in the process. If you want drama, go elsewhere.

[crabussy]

Hi what does the achillean in your profile mean ? Did your mother dip you in a river with questionable pollution control? Does your sulking throw a wrench in the war plans of the Greek alliance? Will future historians describe you and your partner as just friends? Do you hate sandals? What is it?

I’m just like achilles fr (looooves guys so much. and guy adjacent beings) except without the invulnerability. I’m pretty much vulnerable to every material on earth. for example if you hit me with a metal pipe I’d probably get hurt