Current obsession: COTL đ | Hobbyist artist :3 | They/he | 20
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Fuck.
#i saw the tv glow#jane schoenbrun#transgender#genderqueer#oh my god#owie ouch owie#this movie made me sob so#relate
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I finally watched this movie, it hit me so hard.
Iâd been listening to the soundtrack for a while, as a bad habit, I tend to listen to movie soundtracks before watching the source materialâand Iâm really into Yeuleâs musicâso I discovered the movie thru the release of their featured song in the movie.
I finally gave it a chance and, wow.
Huge tangent under the cut <3
Iâm nonbinary. Iâm afab. This movie resonated with me so much.
Making this discovery was a hard one, it was like Iâd opened Pandoraâs Box.
One of my other (dearest) friends had come out as nb when we were younger and it scared me, it was something I was aware of but pushed away in fear of discovery. Same with my lesbian identity. But the TV kept glowing, I wouldnât lose them over my own cowardice. Eventually I realized I was lesbian, Iâd realized I was trans.
Sometimes I feel connected to womanhood, to my femininity.
For the sake of others, I sacrifice my otherness for their comfort. I go by all pronouns because Iâm afraid of dropping âsheâ from everyone elseâs mind. I go by they/she in public spaces where I feel safe enough to do so, but at home, Iâm still just a woman, Iâm still âherâ. Only that.
And itâs difficult reconciling this when I do dress femininely, when I let my friends call me woman. Even when I do that to myself, because I am, paradoxically, as I am not. I donât know, gender is hard. I present as a woman to a lot of people, so I have experiences socialized as such.
Not to tote any weird superiority complexes, but I like the way God is described in the bible. âI am that I am.â The image of everyone, man, woman, otherwise, all simultaneously.
I feel maybe itâs like that for me, with womanhood. I am woman, I am something else. I like masculine terms for myself sometimes. Sometimes it feels like an empty space. Like [Owen] described it on the bleachers to [Maddy]. I severely hate overly gendered conversation. As a transmasc person, I do like dude and bro but yk even that gets tiresome.
âYes, Girl.â
âQueen.â
âMiss.â
Only my closest friends call me by âthey/themâ pronouns, even then, I let it slip when they donât get it right. But they know me for who I am beyond the screen, and I do just go by any pronouns. But weâre also just used to pushing that away in the eyes of others who donât see the screen glowing.
In I Saw The TV Glow, Owen and Isabel are parallels to each other (because they are one and the same), theyâre both too cowardly for confrontation, Isabel realizes sheâs dying [as Owen] and apologizes for the sake of othersâ comfort, at the end of the movie, at the outburst her realization causes.
The ending is left up to interpretation, whether she buries herself in the ground with Tara, or she continues to die, living a life as someone fake.
I like to remain hopeful, optimistic. Though, âthere is still time,â might read as a warningâyou still have time, but it will run out eventuallyâI see it as a message of hope for those of us who canât explore our gender identities as freely as others. An eventuality.
During the wire breakage scene, where [Owen] finds herself stopped in the roadâwhere she finds the burning papers of the episode guides, she reads âS06:e01â I like to think that that is where the movie ends and her true life begins. She does break out of the midnight realm.
She doesnât continue to cower away, though she is wont to do. She opened her chest up and saw her missing heart, saw the âPink Opaque,â and ran back to Tara, leaving this world behind, and saving face with her apologies.
..
This movie also filled me with existential dread.
When [Owen] watched the finaleâs tape, when she launched her head into the tv and mourned the fact that her father wasnât really her fatherâa foreboding, looming figure representing prominent patriarchal idealsâwhen she told us about how it was âtime to become a real man,â when her father died, further burying herself into this life that wasnât hers with a family that wasnât eitherâit was terrifying.
We never see that family she had onscreen, and the mention of them makes [Owen] look so defeated. She watches the âPink Opaqueâ again and it isnât as she remembers. Just as Mr. Melancholy said would happen.
âSoon you wonât even remember that youâre dying.â
Whole movie was such a harrowing, representative experience. I sobbed. I mourned. It was like mourning for a past me, for the parts of myself that must stay hidden, for covering the screen.
And the fact that Tara was relatively butch in her real life, but was an awkward girl experimenting with her feminine expression up until she realized she had to escape in the Midnight Realm. I felt connection to her expression as much as I did Isabelâs egg crack.
They were so lesbians for each other, too, be it in a qppïżŒ sense or in another way.
âŠ
Here I am listening to the OST again, replaying Yeuleâs cover of âAnthems for a 17-year-old Girl,â on my 20th birthday (oh yeah thatâs today) and just.. feeling such a frenzy of emotions.
Ultimately, justâ
There will still be time. Youâll bury the you that isnât authentic in the ground and rise as your truest form eventually. There will always be eventually. There will always be you..
I will be there waiting for me.
But I know that's not true. That's just fantasy. Kid's stuff.
I SAW THE TV GLOW (2024) dir. Jane Schoenbrun
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this is the type of family the woke left wants
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Vander: I've always liked the name Violet. Silco:Â *snorts a line* Hey, you know what I like?
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âTell me, Godly one, do you crave more?â
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angry oil slick x rich unhinged mongoose
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everyone crying over caitlyn dictator this caitlyn fascist arc that ⊠everyone failed to recognize the power of a butch lesbian against generational cycles of violence. caitlyn most girlfailure dictator ever. saw her ex for 3 seconds and immediately folded. girl me too tf
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My final pieces for cotltober, week 4 and 5 (that I barely finished rendering lolz)
4: Fungus
5: Pinned
Plus some Vamp AU scene/doodles under the cut
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ME WHEN MEW CHAPTER FINALLY UPP URGGHGHH
#cotl#cult of the lamb#forket#narilamb#narilambfanfic#COTL FE AU#thinking of renaming AU tag for what Iâm scheming but yk#FINALLY YOU GUYS FORKET CHAPTER
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spicy forket spicy forket spicy forket
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I colored some of my older doodles! When I made this, I thought it would be funny for my Lambs to fight about who the original is, just for the in-game Lamb Sprite to show up
I couldn't resist drawing Narinder with his in-game Sprite on his shoulder after that
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FUCK YEAAAA FORKETTTTTTTT
save me forket forket save me some stress doodles below the cut!
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