#in my mom's family yes - and we open presents the 25th

[babybluebex]

vanilla sponge [bucky barnes x reader]

➽ pairing: bucky barnes x fem!reader (y/n) ➽ word count: 5.5k ➽ summary: the four times bucky said goodbye and the one time he said hello  ➽ warnings: explicit language, mentions of death, ANGST, eventual happy ending ➽ a/n: HAPPY BIRTHDAY BONK!!!! i meant for this to be a fluff blurb but it.... evolved lol. thanks @groupieforbucky​ for beta reading this! masterlist/taglist in bio!

March 10, 1935

You sat on the hood of the car, watching Bucky mess with a candle in front of you. His lighter wasn’t wanting to catch in the cold evening breeze, but he was adamant on lighting the candle up. “What’s the big deal with this candle, Buck?” you asked. “You’re just gonna blow it right out. You really want it that bad?”

Bucky scoffed at you. “Sweet, simple Y/N,” he chuckled. “It’s a tradition for me. My mom used to do it, so I have to.” 

You sighed softly, and you stretched your hands out in front of you. Bucky looked at you for a moment, his eyes sweeping over your frame, and he stepped closer. His large hips settled between your knees easily and he put his hands in yours, and you clicked your tongue. 

“No, you twit,” you giggled. “Gimme the damn lighter.” 

Bucky tilted his head at you and smiled, and he jumped up onto the hood of the car next to you. The two of you had driven out into the countryside for a night alone, just you and your Bucky on his birthday. You had even baked a cake-- you had been saving money for months to be able to afford all of the ingredients for his favorite vanilla sponge. The cake had sat in a box in the backseat of Bucky’s car as you two had walked along the riverside and splashed cold March water on each now, and now it sat next to you as you yourself were sat with Bucky’s jacket around your shoulders. James Barnes was a great guy, charming and cordial, turning 18 that day. He didn’t have much family besides you and your friend from school Steve Rogers, but, as Bucky often said, “You’re easier on the eyes than ol’ Stevie.” 

You lit the lighter with ease, shielding the little flame with your body, and you successfully lit the candle and stuck it into the top of the cake. “Make a wish, Buck,” you said, offering him the cake. “But you can’t tell me what it is, remember.” 

“Well, why not?” Bucky scoffed. “I wanna tell you what my wish is.”

“‘Cause it won’t come true, whacky,” you giggled. “Blow out your candle before it drips wax onto your cake.” 

Bucky looked at you for a long moment, his blue eyes reflecting the orange of the setting sun, and he finally rounded his pink lips and blew out the candle in one strong, swift breath. The smoke curled upwards and you plucked it out of the cake, and you smiled at the bit of white frosting that got on your finger. “Happy birthday, baby,” you said, swiping the tip of his nose with the frosting, and he laughed. “I hope it’s a good one.” 

“It’s the best one yet,” Bucky said. “Besides the inaugural one, of course.” 

“I wish I could’ve gotten you something more than a stupid cake,” you mumbled. 

“No, I love it,” Bucky insisted. “It’s really tasty; you worked hard on it.” With that, he scooped up the bit of frosting from his nose and offered his finger to you, and you licked up the frosting. 

“Well, I’m glad you enjoy it,” you replied, straightening your posture. “C’mon, eat up. My curfew is at nine.” 

Bucky began to eat the cake with his fingers, offering you bits every so often. The car radio was playing just loud enough for you two to hear, and, even with Bucky’s jacket, you found yourself scooting closer and closer to him. You loved him. This wasn’t typical puppy love. You could see yourself baking Bucky vanilla sponge cakes for years to come. Even though he always told you that there was no chance he’d be sent over, you imagined sending him a letter with the recipe so that, at the very least, he could think of you. 

Finally, the box was empty, and Bucky laid back onto the hod, sucking bits of crumbs from his fingers. “Thanks for that, doll,” he said, and you cuddled up into his side. His arms were behind his head, and you settled your head in his underarm. It smelled so much like him and was so ridiculously warm, and you melted into him fully. “I loved it. I love you.”

“I love you too,” you whispered, and you pressed a chaste kiss to his arm. “I love this.”

“This?” Bucky asked. 

You shrugged and pressed your hand to his chest. “Just being here with you,” you said softly. “I never want it to end.”

Bucky sighed, and he leaned to kiss your head. “Me too,” he whispered. A few quiet moments passed, and you looked up to meet his eyes. “Can you promise me something, dollface?” 

“Anything,” you agreed. 

“We’ll spend every birthday together,” Bucky said. “Even if we’re apart, you’ll send me letters and all. I’ll do the same for your birthday too.” 

You nodded, and you clasped Bucky’s big hand in your little one. “Deal,” you whispered. “As long as I can make you cakes.” 

“I can’t bake worth shit,” Bucky chuckled. “You’ll have to teach me.” 

“I’d love to do that, Bucky,” you told him. 

March 10, 1942

“Look at you,” you cooed. “All gussied up. What’s the occasion, Sarge?” 

Bucky threw his arms around your waist and spun you around, earning him a squeal. He wore his dress uniform, his tie done perfectly and belt cinched around his jacket. His shoes were shiny and his hair gelled and combed, his face clean-shaven. He smelled like the aftershave you had gotten him for Christmas. There was an obvious occasion, and you figured that it was something more than his 25th birthday. “I wanted to take my dame out to dinner,” Bucky said, turning you so that your back pressed against his front. “Is that allowed, Mrs. Barnes?” 

You giggled as Bucky snuffled his mouth into your neck. “I guess so,” you huffed. “But it’s your birthday! I should be doing something for you!” 

“You let me have dessert for breakfast,” Bucky laughed. Then, he kissed your neck, and he added, “And then you gave me vanilla sponge cake afterwards. You’ve done plenty for me, doll.”

“But it’s usually tradition for the birthday-haver to be the guest of honor,” you said. “And for you to be pleased. It doesn’t make sense that you do all the work today. That’s not how birthdays work.” 

“Well, dollface, that’s why I joined the Army, remember?” Bucky laughed. “Wanna help people, all that business?” 

“I thought it was to get away from me,” you giggled. 

Bucky rolled his eyes. “Right, because I joined the Army to get away from you and immediately turned around and married you to keep you around,” he scoffed. “You’re not thinking right, woman. What’s gotten into you?”

“I’m still fuzzy from this morning,” you admitted. Bucky’s arms tightened around you and drew you closer into him, and he took a deep breath from your neck, taking in the smell of your perfume and the powder you had used on your face. “You broke my brain, you and your stupid tongue.” 

“And my lips,” Bucky added cheekily. “Don’t forget that.”

“Oh, I didn’t,” you said. “Trust me, I won’t ever forget that. But don’t you agree?”

“Christ, woman!” Bucky laughed. “Let me take you to dinner! Why’re you fighting this so hard?” 

“I’m not fighting it!” you said quickly. “I’m just saying that it’s not how it’s usually done!”

“Well, we don’t do things the usual way, do we?” Bucky laughed. “Anyway, I think I like this better. Any day I don’t shower you with my love is a wasted day.”

“You’re corny,” you laughed. 

“But you love it,” Bucky said, and you shrugged. 

“Tolerate, more like,” you said, and Bucky laughed. The doorbell rang, interrupting the moment, and you said, “Finish getting ready, I’ll be right back.” 

“Don’t take too long, dollface,” Bucky said, knocking your chin lightly with his finger. “I already miss you.” 

You wrestled yourself from Bucky’s grip and went to the door, and you opened it wide to see a man dressed like your Bucky. Older and stern, he struck a sense of fear and apprehension into you. “Is this the home of Sergeant James B. Barnes?” he asked in a thick voice. 

“Yes,” you replied. 

“Is Sergeant Barnes around?” the man asked. 

You swallowed thickly. You already knew what this man’s presence meant. You nodded quickly, stepping aside to let the man in, and you called, “Bucky, sweetheart! You’ve got a visitor!” 

“Is it Stevie?” Bucky called from the depths of the apartment.

“No, it’s…” you started. “Just come here, James.” 

Bucky appeared at light speed. You never called him James, not even on the day that you had gotten married. He was your Bucky. As soon as he spotted the Army man at your side, his body went rigid, and he gave the man a salute. “At ease, Sarge,” the older man said. “You two seem in good spirits.” 

“It’s…” Bucky began and cleared his throat. His stance relaxed, and his arm slid carefully around your waist. “It’s my birthday, sir. We were on our way to dinner.” 

“Might have to cancel that reservation,” the Army man rumbled. “The 107th is being called to Germany.” 

Your heart sank, and you couldn’t control the tears that stung your eyes. Bucky’s jaw flexed tightly as he absorbed the information, and he sighed heavily. “When do we leave?” he asked slowly. 

“In the morning,” Bucky’s superior said. “The planes ship out at oh-five-hundred.” 

Even under Bucky’s arm, the room felt cold. The trumpet on the radio sounded so distant, and you heard the two men having a conversation behind a veil of disbelief. Bucky had promised you that he wouldn’t get sent overseas. He said the 107th didn’t do that. He had promised you. He had fucking promised you. You broke out of his grip and escaped into the kitchen, and your gaze focused on the cake that sat on the counter. A piece was taken from it, the slice that you had allowed him for breakfast, and the cake itself was housed in a pretty glass cover that your mother had bought you as a wedding present. The candle was still stuck into the top of it, the tip burnt black and curled up. 

“Y/N,” you heard from the door, and you turned to see your husband. His face was pale, his blue eyes as dark as the ocean, and he chewed his bottom lip. “Doll, I--”

“There’s nothing you can say to make this better,” you whispered. “You have to go. It’s what it is. I knew what I was getting myself into when I married you.” You turned back quickly, sniffling and trying to hide your tears, and you added, “Your bag’s in the spare room. I think your nametag’s in the box in our closet, I can check if you need me to.” 

Suddenly, his strong arms were around you, holding you to his chest. Bucky didn’t say a word. The material of his dress uniform was itchy against your skin and you could only imagine what it felt like for him, and your knees buckled. The tears came, hot and burning your cheeks, and a sob wrecked your throat. “You promised me,” you whimpered. “You fucking promised me, you bastard! You said that the 107th doesn’t get sent over, you fucking lied to me!”

“I was trying to protect you!” Bucky said, his voice rising to match yours. “You would’ve made yourself sick with all your worrying about when I’d be sent overseas, and I didn’t want that for you!” 

You broke yourself from his grip, and you sniffled up your tears as best as you could. Even if your heart wasn’t crushed, you cried when you were angry, so tears were bound to happen no matter what. “So you lied to me instead?” you asked. “What the fuck’s the matter with you, Bucky? I’ve never lied to you, and I only expected the same from you; I didn’t expect for you to lie about something so fucking big! Jesus Christ, I can’t stand the sight of you.” 

“Doll, please, listen to me,” Bucky said, grabbing your arm. “I didn’t want to hurt you.” 

Bucky was bigger than you, taller than you, stronger than you. He had a tough skin and an even tougher heart from years of neglect and rejection. But you were his weakness. He cried when you did, laughed when you did, kissed you harder when you kissed him. There was no doubt in your mind that he loved you, but your heart burned with acidic hate. “Get out,” you said. “If you’re gonna leave in the morning, I don’t see why you need to stick around here any longer.” 

“Y/N!” Bucky cried. “Darling, please settle down!”

“If you’re so keen on leaving, then do it,” you said, wrenching your arm from his grip. “And don’t call me darling. Don’t call me doll, don’t call me nothing. You gave that up when you lied to me for years! Our entire relationship! You were already enlisted when we met! You have literally lied to me every day for seven years! What else are you lying to me about? What else are you keeping from me?” 

“Nothing!” Bucky said. “Christ, you need to settle down, please. I know you’re upset, but do you really think leaving things like this will make you feel better?”

“It’ll make me feel something,” you whispered. “Something other than missing you. Go stay with Steve or whatever, I just… I just don’t want to fall asleep next to you, and then wake up and not have you there. I… I wanna say goodbye.” 

Bucky took a tentative step towards you, then pulled you close to him. His eyes were watery as he looked at your face, and he swiped away your makeup with his thumb. He smiled wistfully, every single memory of you that he had shooting through his brain as quickly as they could manage, and he said, “Then don’t. I’m coming back, my love. I promise you. And I’m not keeping anything from you. All my cards are on the table here, doll. I’m coming back for you.” 

You two devised a plan. You and Bucky would go to bed, but he would wake you up when he did, and you would get a goodbye. You helped him pack his bag according to regulation, and you carefully slipped in a picture that your mother had taken on your wedding day. You sat in the middle, veil over your hair, flowers still fresh, with Steve Rogers next to you. You were about an inch taller than him in the picture, but you both were smiling. The bride and the best man. You knew that Bucky needed to be reminded of his brother as much as he was reminded of you. 

When the alarm rang shrilly in the morning, you watched from the bed as Bucky got up and dressed in his uniform. An olive green that complimented his skin, his boots tied around his ankle, and his silver dog tags buried under his collar. He turned to you, silent, crying, and he moved back to the bed. You still wore your nightgown, and Bucky took the lacy hem in his fingers and sighed. “I’ll miss you,” he whispered. 

Your arms went around his neck and tugged him in, and he buried his face in your neck. You caressed his head as he cried, and you tried to hug him as tightly as he had hugged you. “I’ll miss you more,” you whispered back. Your chest hurt with the urge to cry, but even the notion of it made you feel sick to your stomach. “I love you so much, Bucky.” 

“When I get home,” Bucky said. “I’m gonna hold you and never let you go.” 

“I’ll pencil it in,” you said through your tears.

As soon as the door shut, you pulled his pillow to your mouth, closed your teeth around it, and screamed. 

March 10, 1943

Steve’s heart ached as he looked at the door. It was a normal apartment door, a little plaque with the number on it, above a peephole, but there was a little green ribbon held to the door with scotch tape. Bucky’s place. He remembered when Bucky had told him that you and him had gotten a place in the city. He was excited and said that he couldn’t wait for Steve to come over and see it. But that was before Bucky got sent to Germany. Before Steve joined Project Rebirth, before… Everything. He would be surprised if you recognized him right away. 

He knocked on the door. There was a thumping from inside the apartment, and he heard your voice say, “Motherfucker…” before the door opened. You looked good. Your skin was glowing, your hair was done, and you were even wearing makeup. Steve had always known you as very put together, but you were Bucky’s wife. You were beautiful to him. Confusion was etched across your face, and you slowly said, “Can I help you, sir?” 

Steve slowly took off his uniform hat. “You’re Mrs. Barnes?” he said, even though he knew the answer. There was a protocol to follow. The Army allowing him to be the one to deliver the news was enough of a breach. 

“Yes,” you said carefully. “Can I inquire as to who’s asking?” 

Steve cleared his throat. “Captain Steven Rogers,” he began, and your mouth dropped into a shocked look. “With the United States Army.”

“Stevie!” you cried, and you threw yourself at him. You knew that he had finally managed to join the Army and that he was sent to Germany as well, but you hadn’t had any correspondence with him. Bucky had stopped answering your letters and, while you feared the worst, you tried to keep your anxiety at bay. There was a reason, one that didn’t involve Bucky dying. There had to be. “Oh my God! You’re so… Big! I mean, I heard about the whole Project Rebirth thing and saw pictures of you, but… You’re taller than me now!”

Steve gripped you tightly. “I missed you too, Y/N,” he said softly. “Can I come in?” 

“Of course!” you exclaimed. “I mean, it’s just me and Alpine, but you’re always welcome here, Stevie. Can I make you a drink? There’s some cake in the kitchen…” 

Steve distantly listened to your chatter as he stepped into the apartment. It was warm and smelled like vanilla, and the walls were a pleasant beige with pictures. An official picture of Bucky hung in a nice frame right by the door, and Steve smiled at his best friend. “Cake?” he repeated suddenly, processing your words. 

“Yeah!” you replied. “Buck’s favorite birthday cake. I’ve made it for him every year and, even though he’s in Germany right now, it didn’t feel right not to make it, ya know?” 

Steve carefully sat down at the little wooden table in the kitchen, and he watched a fluffy white cat jump up to meet him. You served him a slice of cake on a pretty china plate, and you sat and buried your chin in your palm. “So what’s going on with you? Did you just get back?”

Steve couldn’t even bear to look at the cake. “No,” he said. “I have to go back in the morning.” 

“Oh,” you said, and your heart sank. “Is everything alright?” You pulled Alpine into your grip and gently stroked her back, and you watched Steve’s gaze falter between you and the cake. “Steve. Is something wrong?” 

Steve sighed, and his big shoulders sank. “A few months ago, Bucky and other soldiers in the 107th Infantry were taken as POWs. I led a team and we managed to rescue them. But then Bucky joined a squad that I was a part of, The Howling Commandos. As part of a mission with the Howlies, Bucky was--” 

“Stop,” you hissed. You set Alpine aside and stood up, and you pressed your knuckles to your mouth. You knew it. You knew that Stevie was too good to be true. He was there to deliver bad news, the worst news for a military wife to be told. You sighed and hung your head, and you whispered, “Is there a body, at least?” 

The chair creaked as Steve stood up, and he placed a hand on your shoulder. “We couldn’t locate one,” he whispered. “I’m sorry, Y/N.” 

You sniffled. “An empty casket,” you mumbled. “An empty home, empty promises… Steve. Is there any hope that he’s alive? Even, like, infinitesimal? Even one percent?” 

Steve shook his head, blond bangs falling onto his forehead. “He fell from a train, Y/N,” he said carefully. “We couldn’t recover a body. If he is alive, then… I think that would be worse. I’m so sorry, Y/N.” 

Your legs felt weak, and you braced yourself on the table. Bucky was dead. Your greatest fear had been realized. “What do we do, Stevie?” you whispered. 

“We?” Steve asked. 

“He was your brother,” you said softly. “He had you when he had nobody else. I think you’re more important to him than me.”

“That’s not true,” Steve said simply. “I chose him, but he chose you. He chose you to live the rest of his life with. He was stuck with me.” 

You felt like a ghost as you walked into the living room and sat on the floor. You stared at everything, letting the silence gather around you. The coffee table was still crooked from where Bucky had last sat on the couch; his legs were longer and he always pushed it back to rest his feet. You fussed at him about it, but you didn’t actually mind it all that much. His favorite record was still on the player, playing empty static from when it had ended and you hadn’t flipped it over. Alpine had made a nest out of blankets on the couch, and you tilted your head when you saw that one of them was one that Bucky had made you. He was rather adept at knitting and had made it with yarn he had smuggled back to base, and it came in a package postmarked from Germany. You had referred to it as Bucky’s German blanket, but it was soft and smelled like him. You imagined him sleeping with the unfinished scraps every night. He was gone. He wouldn’t ever put his feet on the coffee table again. He wouldn’t ever get up with a grunt to flip his record and sweep you into his arms and dance with you. 

Steve came to sit next to you, and he put a heavy arm over your shoulders. “I managed to nab this from his stuff,” he began, clasping his hand with yours. “Figured you’d want it. He took it off before missions because he said he didn’t want it to get messed up, and it stayed with his bag. It takes forever to out-process a soldier’s personal belongings, and I… I knew you’d want it sooner rather than later.” 

A gold ring. The one you had put on Bucky’s finger that day. The wedding was beautiful for what it was. It wasn’t big by any means, just you and Bucky, Steve, and your mother. Your mother provided the veil and Bucky the rings, and Steve had picked a few flowers from his neighbors’ garden box. You had elected to get married at the courthouse rather than a church, and you remembered Bucky being flushed and giggling the entire time. You still wore your gold rings; you never took them off. 

You grasped Steve’s hand and gave him a watery smile. “Thanks, Stevie,” you whispered, and your tears finally fell. “It means a lot.” 

“You’ll see him again,” Steve told you. “I know you will.” 

You sighed and held the ring tightly in your palm. “I hope so.” 

March 10, 2023

The breeze was cold as it drifted off of the lake, and Bucky nestled further into his jacket. He was sure there was some level of impropriety to wearing a leather jacket to a funeral, but it was a last minute thing. He didn’t want to come. He felt like he was disrespecting Tony by being there, but Steve had talked him into it. The jacket was the only black thing he owned that covered his arm. 

“You sure you wanna go?” Sam asked again, and Steve scoffed. “I mean… There’s so much here.” 

“You know that’s a lie,” Bucky laughed. “There’s nothing here for Stevie.” 

“Or Bucky,” Steve added. “We’re not from here, Wilson. Not really, anyway. We belong… Somewhere else. Sometime else.” 

Sam nodded slowly. He knew that it was true. Steve and Bucky were better off back in the 1940s. “Buck,” he started. “Just… Be good to her.” 

Bucky turned to Sam. “Who?” he asked, even though he knew exactly who Sam was talking about. He had never once mentioned his wife to Sam, and he knew that Steve wasn’t one to tell. Any artifact that Bucky had of you had been lost to Hydra or time, and the only concrete thing he had was a little newspaper clipping that he kept tucked away: your name, listed in the obituary section. You were nearly a hundred when you were dusted five years ago. Bucky had Washington DC the first chance he had and had hunted down your name on the memorial. Y/N Barnes. Two simple words that had the weight of the universe crashing down on Bucky’s shoulders. Apparently, you had never remarried. You never had children. You had lived as a social worker, helping kids in the system go to good homes, and Bucky knew that he had chosen a good one 88 years ago.

“You say a woman’s name when you sleep sometimes,” Sam said. “Y/N… That’s why you’re going back, right? To see her?”

Even the sound of your name brought a smile to Bucky’s tired face. “Who told you that you could talk to me about my love life?” he asked, even though he was laughing and smiling now. “We’re work partners, remember? We’re not friends.” 

“Right, right,” Sam laughed, kicking a rock with his boot. “Just don’t do anything stupid while you’re gone. Neither of you. I don’t trust the two of you together… All kinds of shenanigans.” 

Bucky smiled at Steve. “How can we?” he asked. 

“You’re taking all the stupid with you,” Steve said, throwing a smile to Sam. “Be good, Wilson. Maybe get a hobby.”

“I hear knitting’s pretty nice,” Bucky said, and he took Steve’s hand to assist in climbing onto the platform. 

“Or baking,” Steve added. 

“Oh, man, I could do with a slice of cake,” Bucky chuckled. 

“Give it ten minutes,” Steve said. “You’ll get your birthday cake.” 

“Whoa, birthday?” Sam said. “Is it your birthday, Buck?”

“Don’t answer that,” Bucky snapped. 

“Jerk,” Steve mumbled. 

“Punk.” 

The sound of the machinery began to whir, and Sam called, “Happy birthday, old man!” 

And they were gone. 

March 10, 1949

You flitted around the apartment, stepping quickly to avoid the little grey kittens all over the floor. As much as you tried to keep them corralled in one place, kittens did what they wanted. The sun coming through the window kept the kitchen floor warm, and Alpine and her babies were often found lounging on the warm tiles. 

“Christ above, Jefferson, look at the mess you’ve made!” you exclaimed, bending down and picking up the little kitten. Jefferson was the second of five kittens, and he was the most rambunctious of the group. He was the one to skitter around the apartment at three with a sudden zest for life and, as cute as it was, it made your sleep schedule hell. The little kitten had wet food all over his face, and you quickly wiped him clean with the corner of your dress. “Need to get you a bib, you little wild man.” 

The doorbell rang, and a firm knock landed on the door simultaneously. “Coming!” you called, then, quieter, you said to Jefferson, “They really wanna see me, huh?” 

You kept Jefferson under your arm as you traipsed to the door, and you knew that Monroe and Buren were right underfoot; they always were. You could hardly walk anywhere without the risk of smushing a kitten. You really needed to get started on adopting these fellas out, but something about being the crazy widowed cat lady at the end of the hall seemed to suit you. The knock came again, harder, threatening to bust the door in two, and you huffed in annoyance. “I said I’m coming!”

You opened the door and pushed Monroe and Buren away with your foot. Little escape artists, they were. “Can I help you?” you asked, looking up to the man that stood there. 

He was familiar, but so distant. He had long, dark hair tied back, wrinkles around his eyes from exhaustion, dark hair around his mouth. He was all muscle underneath a buttoned shirt, and your eyes canvassed the weird shining metallic sleeve over his left arm. His mouth was slightly open as he looked at you, and you furrowed your eyebrows. “Hello?” you asked, raising your eyebrows expectantly. “Do you need anything?” 

“Y/N…” he started, and your body ran cold. “It… It’s you.” 

You quickly set Jefferson on the floor, and you closed the door behind you to prevent kittens from spilling into the hall. “James?” you whispered, your voice cracking. “You… Are you real?” 

Bucky laughed lightly, and he took your hand. He looked down at it, still wearing your rings, and he laughed again. “Oh, dollface,” he whispered, and he put his hands on your face. You flinched away from the sting against your cheek, and Bucky quickly pulled his left hand away. “You’re as pretty as the day I left you.” 

“Buck…” you said softly. “I can’t even begin to… How? I was told that you… You died, Bucky. How are you here?” 

“I’ll tell you, doll,” Bucky said. “I’ll tell you everything.” 

Bucky looked around the apartment as he stepped in, his eyes skating in wonderment. “Looks the same,” he said softly. 

“I couldn’t bear to change it too much,” you said softly. “Oh, umm, the white cat’s named Alpine, and all the others…” You gestured to the kittens littered around the room. “Jefferson, Monroe, Buren, Polk, and Pierce… I can’t tell them apart, really. Jefferson is the energetic one, and Monroe and Buren are always underfoot, but the rest--”

Bucky kissed you. You melted into his body, the way you always had, and you tugged him close by his hair and kissed back. You had missed him. Seven years was a hell of a long time to miss someone. You had almost forgotten the feel of his body against yours. He smelled just like himself, sounded like himself, and looked like himself (maybe a bit worse for wear than the last time you saw him, actually). “Bucky,” you whispered, and his arm went around your waist and pulled you against him even closer. His touch and grip was rougher than before, but that was war, you supposed. “Bucky, I just--”

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “I’m so fucking sorry, doll. I got here as fast as I could.”

“I don’t need an excuse, love,” you told him. You had forgotten the way he looked at you, his blue eyes gazing at you like you had fixed the stars in his likeness, and you felt like the silly little girl back in high school who had a crush on a senior. “I don’t need anything.”

“Just me,” Bucky whispered. 

“Just you,” you agreed. You sighed and kissed him again, and your heart swelled. Your Bucky was finally home. “Actually, I do wanna know about--”

“The arm?” Bucky asked. 

“The hair,” you finished, twirling a dark strand around your finger. “But, yeah, I’m curious about the arm too.” 

“It’s a long story,” Bucky sighed. 

“‘Long’ as in ‘there’s a lot of moving parts’?” you asked. 

“‘Long’ as in ‘I’ve waited for 81 years to get you back’,” Bucky said, and he pushed your hair behind your ear with a deft metal finger. “‘Long’ as in ‘I was kidnapped by Nazis and frozen for decades’. ‘Long’ as in I traveled back in time to get you’. ‘Long’ as in… Just fucking long, doll. It’s gonna take me a while to tell the story.” 

Your mind was whirling, and you pulled him down to the couch. “So, you fought Nazis and time to get to me?”

Bucky shrugged slowly. “I mean, that’s a vast oversimplification, but, essentially, yeah.” 

You smiled. “You’re gonna need to explain this real slow,” you laughed. “I’ve never been as smart as you.” 

The smile that you had coveted for years was back. “You’re selling yourself short there,” Bucky said. “You’re the best girl I know. You’re my best girl, ya know that? The only girl I’ve ever wanted.” 

After years of crying tears of sorrow, your tears were of happiness. You were smiling and laughing, kissing Bucky and tasting his own salty tears. “Happy birthday, Buck,” you whispered. 

“Did you make a cake?” Bucky asked. 

You nodded. “Of course. Your favorite: vanilla sponge.”

[potrix-the-queerschlaeger]

joy in my heart - chapter 1

Or; What if Johnny had been forced to step up? [On AO3.]

 February 5th, 2002

“What do you mean she’s gone?” Johnny glances away from the awkwardly shifting nurse, over to the empty hospital bed. The sheets are rumpled, one of the tabloids Shannon loves to hate lying open on the pillow. Her favorite mug, the tag of the tea she’s started drinking against the morning sickness hanging over the rim, is sitting on the bedside table. “To the bathroom? The cafeteria?”

“Mr Lawrence,” Shannon’s doctor speaks up, and the pity in his voice that he doesn’t quite manage to hide makes something heavy settle in Johnny’s stomach, “your girlfriend left the hospital earlier this morning—”

Johnny’s shaking his head. “No, she—she gave birth a day ago? She—”

“Ms Keene discharged herself, against medical advice, about an hour ago.”

Before Johnny can even begin to wrap his head around any of that, there’s a soft knock on the door. The nurse goes to open it, gesturing for the woman on the other side to come in. She’s got a clipboard under her arm, and a no-nonsense expression on her face.

“Ah, right on time,” the doctor greets somberly. Then, addressing Johnny again, he says, “Mr Lawrence, allow me to introduce you to Mrs Porter.”

“Mr Lawrence,” Mrs Porter says, with a curt nod. “Francis Porter, Child Protective Services. Why don’t we take a seat?”

In his crib, Robby starts crying.

(Watch out for the break!)

 February 14th, 2002

They won’t let him take Robby home.

Johnny’s sitting on the old, dirty carpet floor in their—his, now, he supposes, with Shannon fucked off to who knows where—shitty little one-bedroom apartment, his back against the couch, and a mostly empty bottle of the cheapest whisky the gas station had to offer on the coffee table in front of him.

The foster family they’ve lined up has experience with babies like Robby, they’d said.

It’s too early to tell if there is going to be lasting damage, they’d said.

We can refer you to people who know how to help, they’d said.

No one is trying to take your son away from you, they keep saying.

Yeah, right.

Johnny reaches for the bottle again.

“Happy fuckin’ Valentine’s Day, Shan.”

 April 21st, 2002

Robby is asleep. He’s asleep in some strange woman’s arms, tiny chest rising and falling steadily, looking so damn peaceful—

Johnny turns around and walks away, ignoring Mrs Porter calling after him.

 June 13th, 2002

“Please, Mr Lawrence,” the guy who stole Robby, who’’s telling him he can’t see his own fucking kid says, blocking Johnny’s view into the house, “you can’t be here, not unsupervised. You know you can’t.”

Johnny takes a step forward, swaying on unsteady feet. “I just—I just wan’ to—only for a minute. One minute, okay? ‘S all I’m askin’, okay?”

In the distance, Johnny can hear sirens.

He blacks out before the cops arrive.

 July 8th, 2002

 “Fetal alcohol spectrum disorders (FASDs) are a group of conditions that can occur in a person whose mother drank alcohol during pregnancy. Symptoms can include an abnormal appearance, short height, low body weight, small head size, poor coordination, behavioural problems, learning difficulties and problems with hearing or sight. Those affected are more likely to have trouble in school, legal problems, participate in high-risk activities and have problems with alcohol or other drugs. The most severe form of the condition—”

Johnny doesn’t bother putting  the book back before he stalks out of the library.

 July 9th, 2002

“My name’s Johnny. I’m—I’m an alcoholic? That’s what you’re supposed to start with, right? My kid, uh, Robby? He’s the reason I’m here, I guess? He’s not staying with me right now. For obvious reasons. His mom’s not in the picture. I—look, I don’t really know what the hell you want me to say? I just—I just want to see my kid, man.”

 August 4th, 2002

Robby is six months old. He looks at Johnny with big, curious, familiar blue eyes, thumb jammed into his mouth. He’s drooling all over his sleeve, wispy blond hair sticking up wildly from the nap he’s just woken up from. He’s still got pillow creases on his chubby little cheek.

“He’s been doing really well lately,” Helen tells Johnny, with a soft little smile. She bounces Robby, smoothing back his hair. “Isn’t that right, honey? Are you ready to say hi to your daddy?”

Johnny’s heart is in his throat.

His hands fumble, for a moment, when Helen passes Robby over, before he manages to settle on under Robby’s butt, and the other on his back. Slowly, carefully, Johnny lifts him out of Helen’s hold, pulling him close against his chest.

Robby makes a cooing baby noise, still staring at Johnny, and curls his free hand into the collar of Johnny’s shirt.

Johnny is holding his son.

For the very first time.

He is never letting go again.

Ever.

 October 25th, 2002

“—crying for, like, forty minutes now? That can’t be normal? Right? I’m—what the hell am I doing wrong, he won’t stop—”

“Johnny.” Helen, in Johnny’s less than expert opinion, sounds way too calm, considering the situation at hand. “We knew this was going to be an adjustment for him. First overnight visit with you, in an unfamiliar apartment, a complete deviation from his usual routine. He’s probably just a little confused.”

Confused because he’s staying with his deadbeat, piece of shit father.

Right.

“He’ll be fine, Johnny. You’re doing great,” Helen reassures him, as if reading his mind. Johnny squints suspiciously. “You’ve bathed him, fed him, changed him—”

Whatever she says after that, Johnny doesn’t hear, since Robby decides to add flailing to his sobbing, and yanks the phone right out of Johnny’s grasp.

“—some calming music,” Frank is suggesting, when Johnny manages to jam the receiver back between his ear and shoulder. “Helen is partial to ‘Stuck On You’, but anything slow will do, in a pinch. Put on some music, walk him around, bounce him. You’ll be fine.”

Music. Yes. Okay.

That’s definitely doable.

Only.

“Wait, Lionel Richie? What the hell have you been teaching my kid, oh my god, and they let you be foster parents? Unbelievable—”

“Johnny.” Helen’s clearly trying to hold back laughter, and not doing a very good job of it. And that, somehow, is enough to finally make Johnny listen. Really listen. She wouldn’t laugh at him if Robby was in actual danger. “You will be fine. Both of you. All right?”

Johnny doesn’t own anything Richie, obviously, but one of the boxes he hasn’t unpacked yet is stuffed full of all his mom’s old tapes. He rummages through it one-handed, while Robby attempts to make him go bald prematurely, until his fingers land on an old, well-loved copy of ‘Rumours’.

“Definitely beats Richie,” Johnny murmurs, and pops the tape into his cassette player.

Robby is probably just startled, when it starts in the middle of a not exactly slow song, but he does finally, blessedly, stop crying. He still looks like he’s thinking about it, though, so Johnny hugs him a little tighter, and starts singing along.

All I want is to see you smile. If it takes just a little while. I know you don't believe that it's true. I never meant any harm to you.

 February 4th, 2003

They’re celebrating Robby’s first birthday at Helen and Frank’s house.

There isn’t a huge crowd present, but Johnny had still been surprised at how many familiar faces were there to greet him.

“Like we’d miss this,” Tommy had scoffed, elbowing him in the ribs, while Jimmy’d nodded along. “Nowhere else we’d rather be, man.”

Bobby had just pulled him into an almost bone-crushing hug, and whispered quietly, “I am so proud of you, John.”

Because making someone cry at their kid’s birthday party was, apparently, a thing priests did.

Johnny is sipping his apple juice, squished onto the couch between Bobby and Tommy, when there’s a dull thud from the other side of the room. Helen is standing right by Robby, who’s looking mostly confused as to why he’s on the floor instead of toddling towards the gift table, frowning down at the carpet as if it’s personally offended him.

Then, his lower lip begins to wobble.

Helen is right there. Frank not five feet away.

Robby looks up at her, at Frank, then over at Johnny. Lifting up his arms, eyes wide and wet, he demands, “Dada?”

Johnny’s never moved faster in his life. “I’m right here, buddy. I’ve got you.”

[weeb-writor]

Meeting Shouta’s parents on Christmas

Hello all you beautiful people! So here is the last part in the Aizawa mini series. I fell in love with all these Characters and this head cannon so I will probably revisit them! As usually the reader is neutral in every since of the word! I hope you guys enjoyed this series. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aizawa Shouta x Reader

After a month of preparation you meet Aizawa’s Parent over the course of a week

Words: 3,098

Part One  Part Two  Part Three  Part Four  Part Five

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Ooh my goodness what are we gonna do!?” You said pacing around your living room. Shouta looked at you and chuckled at your frazzled state.

“We get in my car and drive to my family house as planned, pretend to enjoy ourselves so we can come home and cuddle with my fat cats.” He said, pulling you into a hug. 

“You want me to show up to meet your parents without the gift I ordered for you dad? Shouta are you outta your mind.” You said to him with a pout.

“Well that's debatable but I do know my parents and they aren't even expecting anything so it's fine. You can just tell them we’ll get it to him when we get it. Now let's go!” He said trying to drag you to the car.

“Aizawa Shouta! I am not going anywhere unless it's to a store to buy your Dad a gift.” You said giving him a glare. He stared back as if to question if you were being serious. You cocked an eyebrow at him, challenging him to disagree.

“Were gonna be late to get there, do you want that?”

“Better to be late than to show empty handed especially when everyone else has gifts.” You said with a shrug. Aizawa laughed but nodded as you both went to the store. You wandered around the place for an hour before you found something you actually liked. Now you were in the car messily wrapping in as you pulled into the driveway of your destination.

“Okay goodness gracious we barely made it but we're here and I have gifts for all your siblings and their lovers and their kids! Didn't think I would pull it off but here we are in one piece.” You said mostly to yourself.

“Kitty Cat you start talking to yourself and I might leave you to enter the den of wolves by yourself.” Aizawa said as you both got out of the car. You let him take in your overnight bags and get help for the millions of presents somehow packed into your small car you didn't wait long as you felt as presence behind you.

“Hello you, perfect example of a gorgeous human being!” The voice said from behind you.

“Shinji, how nice to see you.” You said with a sigh.

“You know if you’re tired of sighing that way… I have a better way to make you sigh.” He said winking at you. You had to push back all the thoughts of murdering him and just smiled but before you could say anything another voice interjected.

“See I told you we had to come out here! Shinji stop hitting on y/n their dating our little brother you snake.” Saika said, hitting him over the head.

“Can't help it, sis!” He said with a laugh.

“Well for this week you absolutely will have better control overself or so help me God Shinji! Anyway y/n you’ve got me, Shinji and sora at your beck and call, what do you need help with?” Saika said with her graceful smile.

“Oh just this.” You said pointing to the car packed with presents. Sora seemed to choke on air at the amount of gifts.

“God, didn't Shouta tell you didn't have to buy everyone a gift, you poor thing!” Saika said hugging you.

“Well he did but I just really like you guys and loved getting to know you this past month so I wanted to.” You said waving her off.

“More like you wanted to impress our parents, huh cutie?” Shinji said teasing you before he started to grab presents as to avoid his sister wacks.

“Ignore him! My mom is dying to meet you, Shouta’s never brought anyone home.” She said as her and Sora grabbed some more presents. As they went in you pulled out the last two rounds of presents and waited for Aizawa who wasn't far behind.

“Hey love are you ready?” Aizawa said, picking up the presents you set out.

“I am totally not!! I barely remember everyone's name! We should just slip away right now!” You said beginning to pace some more.

“Babe i'm gonna go inside and wait on you, come in whenever you want but remember we are late.” He said with a light chuckle.

“Sho!! don't you go into your house without me!” You said picking up the gifts and following him like a lost puppy. That was that and soon you were inside the house with a lot of eyes on you. You followed aizawa while bowing and placed the toys underneath the huge tree.

“Alright now that that’s done let me meet the one whose stolen my baby’s heart so effortlessly!” A woman said coming over to you. You bowed deeply to her and she let out a melodious laugh.

“How cute, no need to bow so deep! I should be bowing to you, you who is able to make my stoic Shouta blush, giggle and pout!” She says grabbing your face and pulling it around as if to inspect it.

“Oh Honey, you stop it! They are just being polite, you know like Japanese culture requires them to be.” A tall man said coming over to you.

“I'm just saying! Anyway you can call me Mina and this is my parasite of 41 years Hirohito! Nice to meet you!” She said hugging you, you were a bit surprised by how informal and kind they were.

“Excuse my parents, they were born and raised in America! No less Japanese but they are a bit more informal and that does shock a lot of people.” Shojiro said scratching his neck. 

“Oh hush boy! Don’t put a warning label on me and your mom as if we are damaged goods.” Hirohito said, knocking him over the head.

“Now it’s getting later we should all wash up and get ready to eat! I made something special for you all. And Sho I put a king size bed in your room since you’ve finally brought someone home. If you want to take advantage of that and make me some grandchildren then don’t worry we will hold up dinner for you!” His mom said kissing his cheek. He groaned and grabbed your hand and pulled you away and soon you were in his room.

“See, was that so hard?” Aizawa said with a flushed face.

“Ehh you look like it was, tomato paste! But I think it went okay! I can do this!!” You said hyping yourself up.

“Yes you can, kitty cat. After dinner only 6 more days to go.”

“WHY do you guys do Christmas gatherings for a week!” You whisper yelled at him.

“Because we have a doting mother who wants to smother us every chance she gets and a father who would do anything for her.” He said serious, you laughed and got ready for dinner. When you and Aizawa made it to the dining room, you were met with three huge dining tables. Almost every seat filled.

“Sweetheart, you and y/n come sit right here! I’ve got so many things to ask you!” His mom said waving you over.

“Thank you… Mina. Your way to kind!” You said with another bow. Dinner was pretty quiet at first but how quiet can you be with like 30 people in one room.

“Saika, dear, you were in charge of the schedule this year can you read it off for everyone.” Mina said.

“Of course! So on the 20th aka tomorrow it’s all about decorations and the tree! 21st is all about taking the kids to see Santa! 22nd is Family photo day! 23 is the gingerbread houses contest and reindeer games! 24th is sugar cookie making and movies! 25th is a grand breakfast and present opening! Bring forth the cup of straws!” Saika said giggling. Sora rolled his eyes but got the cup and passed it around, everyone taking a straw. 

“Okay now blow into if red dust comes out you’re in charge of taking the kids to see Santa!” She announced and everyone did. Of fucking course red dust billowed from you straw. You looked at Shouta and he shook his head at you and your heart dropped.

“So then it’s me and you, how fortunate!” Shinji said waving at you. You couldn’t control yourself and your head dropped onto the table dramatically.

“Haha, Shinji y/n already knows what a pain in the ass you are! you must be losing your style dear! Not to worry y/n, Shinji will be on his best behavior won’t you?” Mina said as an ominous silence fell over the room. Shinji didn’t hesitate to nod.

“Okay then! Y/n, welcome to the Aizawa family. I hope you enjoy your first Christmas with us! With that let us begin the 6 days of chaos!” Mina said laughing lifting her glass, everyone joined laughing. Okay maybe this won’t be so bad you thought for a brief second.

20th - 5 Days till Christmas

“Dad I understand you like to hang lights up dangerously but do you have to drag y/n into it.” Aizawa said as he watched you nervously. You were on the roof helping his dad put up a few decorations and lights.

“Of course I did, if they’re gonna be an Aizawa one day they gotta learn all our trade secrets.” He retorted as if it was common knowledge.

“I’ve never seen my little Sho so worried. I can’t figure out if it’s because your kind and you love him so much or if you’ve got him by the balls or maybe even both.” Mina said with a slight chuckle. This made you warm in embarrassment and you lost your footing and began to fall, of course taking the old man with you.

“Shit!” Aizawa said as he quickly used his capture weapon to grab both you and stop your impact from being damaging.

“Yeah alright, me and y/n are opting out of decorations this year.” He said dragging you who was still in his captured weapon toward the door.

“Oh honey calm down it would have just been a small bump and maybe a sprain. Would you at least help Shinji and Sora with the kids, decorating the tree?” She said with a kind yet manipulative smile. Before either of you could respond yelling was heard from inside

“Damn it, Yukio stop breaking the glass ornaments and Maki stop recording and help me!” Shinji yelled. 

21st- 4 Days till Christmas 

“Shinji what the hell do we do!” You said pacing.

“Hold on stop talking I’m thinking.”

“Like hell I’m trusting your brain! We just have to ask them to let us take pictures anyway.” You said with determination. You see everything was going well until and elf said something to Haru that Jun took as bullying. A fire light in that boy like you had never seen he was on top of the elf giving him the business in seconds. After he just mumbled things like ‘Bakugou said you can’t let people bully you.’ And ‘gotta put bullies in their place.’. Then when you tried to get him to apologize he glared and said ‘no, I can’t let that bully win’ and just like that y’all were kicked out.

“No look let’s just disguise them! Tetsuya and Haru stitch clothing and Haru and Umi switch! Then Maki will take them and her pictures with them.

“What about Maki though they saw her!” You said not believing you were actually going along with his crazy plan.

“Oh I have a change of clothes, gotta be prepared when you’re going out with uncle Shinji!”  She said cheerfully.

“That’s my girl! Now go do this thing!” He said giving her and high five. Someone how Shinji’s ridiculous plan worked and the parents didn’t even notice, they were all too drunk or tired. 

22nd - 3 Days until Christmas 

“There is no way I'm taking pictures wearing this.” Sora said as he pulled the clothes from the box.

“Yeah mom, why did you make Sho pick clothes this year you know he cant even dress himself! It’s because you babied him so much, you know.” Shojiro said, looking as equally as disgusted at the clothing.

“Hey now! I put my baby in charge of the clothing and you all are gonna wear it, end of discussion. Also if anyone babied him it was all of you so blame yourself.” Mina said, ending the discussion as Shouta wore a crazed grin.

“I like the clothes Uncle sho’ta.” Nozomi said rocking on her heels.

“They are pretty cute huh?” He said ruffing her hair.

“Ah ah ah! Don't you go infecting my kids with your bad fashion sense!.” Saika said, covering Nozomi's ears. At this you all broke out into laughs before heading to put on the outfits and prepare for maybe the most embarrassing photos known to man.

23rd - 2 days till Christmas

You were not an artist by any means but when you heard the winner got the honor of passing out presents you were purposely trying to lose. You knew them apart mostly but if they were all wearing the same pajamas with their hair tied back it was going to be a stuttering mess. However your plan of making a 3 out of 10 gingerbread house was foiled quickly. Aizawa wasn't really a competitive man or so you thought but when you to were paired against Shinji and Shojiro he went berserk! You looked at the gingerbread MANSION with a sigh.

“Shouta i’ve never seen you so invested! It's amazing.” Said Shizumi the resident artist in the house.

“Yeah uncle Shouta and L/N! You definitely got my vote!” Daisuke said smiling at you, you smiled back at him warily. The family all wrote down the people of their choosing and put it into the Santa hat. Now as names were being drawn you were biting your nails.

“Shouta and Y/n will be our Clauses this year.” Hirohito said with a small smile.

“Yay y/n wins.” Haru and Jun danced around you. You giggled before glaring at Aizawa in a way that said when we get home your sleeping on the couch, he just kissed you sweetly.

24th - 1 Day till Christmas

“Uncle Shouta stopped making so many cat cookies! Santa wants other shapes too!” Tetsuya said, hitting Shouta repeatedly on his legs. You laughed evilly as you formed another cat cookie and wrote Shouta’s name on the corner.

“I like your cat cookies.” Nozomi said, playing with her hair. Aizawa picked her up and spun her around.

“Okay, yep that's weird Baby brother! Why is Nozomi clinging to you? What did you do?” Shiori said looking back and forth from you and Shouta.

“Nothing.” Shouta said with a smirk. The family then looked at you hopeful.

“Well would you look at that! It's about time to watch the Grinch isn't it, Rei?” You asked the young boy. He eagerly nodded wanting to escape the situation. 

“You got Rei too? What is happening!” Saika said as she grabbed Rei bringing him to her chest.

“Huh where is your DVD player? I got to put the disk in.” You said completely ignoring her.

25th - Christmas Day

The gift giving had been going pretty successfully. You only Stuttered a few times but you hadn't given anyone the wrong present and let Shouta take the ones with Nicknames you didn't know. But this right here was the moment of truth, the moment you had been preparing for. In your right hand you had a gift for Shizumi and in your left one for Saika. You looked at the two twin like sisters and handed the gifts to each respectful sister hoping you were right. They opened the gifts and smiled so you guessed you were correct had everyone's eyes not been on you, you would have done a happy dance.

“Alright last gift before Mom and Dads are for Miss Nozomi!” Shouta said signaling you to get the present you and him picked out for the young girl.

“Alright this is from me and Uncle Shouta!” You said to the girl handing her the blue box. She said a quiet thank you before tearing into the box. Inside the box was a note which she took out.

“Look at your favorite uncle.” She said before looking straight at Shouta making all the other brothers gasp. In Shouta’s arm was a cute 3 legged kitten which had the girl darting toward him but slowed when she got to him so as not to scare the cat.

“Thank you!” The girl said, rubbing at her teary eyes. You and Aizawa had been teaching her how to care for cats knowing she wanted one. In all honesty she knew she was getting a cat she just didn't know when. You had asked her parents as well but didn't tell then when either so as to have a bigger reaction from the family.

“No need to thank me! Just promise me to take care of him real well.” Aizawa thumbed away the last of her tears. She nodded rapidly before snuggling the kitten who seemed to enjoy the attention. The last arc of gift giving went well as did the extravagant breakfast you had all prepared together. Now you were all saying goodbye.

“Y/n dear I do have one last parting gift for you.” Mina said as you rounded the corner with your bags. You placed down your bags and went to her side.

“I know you and Shouta haven't been together too long but I want to thank you. He acts tougher than he is. He would rather bear all the responsibility and pain and suffer alone. Not to mention the way he puts himself in danger rather than ask for help. With you he seems different, and you put him in his place. You’ve made me feel at ease for the first time since he entered UA as a student. So welcome to the family, we're so glad to have you.” She said putting something into your hands. You bowed at her and opened your palm to see a key to this house and a few pictures taken over the course of the week. You waved goodbye to them all and got your bags and made the short trip to your car where Shouta was waiting.

“Why do you look like you're going to cry.” He said worried.

“Because there are 365 days till next Christmas.” You said to him smiling.

~~~~~~~~~~~

MHA Masterlist

[awanderingdeal]

Simply having a wonderful Christmas Time [Part 1]

Merry Christmas to all those folks who celebrate today! This one is dedicated to those of you of who are perhaps not spending Christmas in the way that you would like this year. I hope this brings you a little bit of Joy. Please note that this fic is filled with happy Christmas people so if that is going to make you feel worse then please avoid. I’m hoping to have a Coops instalment up for those who celebrate on the 25th and O’Knutzy on 26th for all those who have boxing day and second Christmas.

CW: CHRISTMAS AND FOOD TALK

Rating: T, there are some sexual implications but I’m pretty happy leaving this at a T. Let me know if you think that needs to change. 

And finally, to @lumosinlove. Thank you for creating the sweater weather universe and in particular the fabulous OC’s that feature in this fic. They really have been a light in the darkness of this year. 

Anyway, let’s get on with this show.

P.S. Yes, we are just ignoring the fact that hockey players most definitely do not get two weeks off at Christmas.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alex had bitched for days about spending his Christmas in the heat of Mauritius - he wasn’t supposed to be opening presents in shorts, dammit - but he’d been willing to concede that he may have been wrong from the very moment that he had stepped through the door of their beach front villa.

He was tired and groggy from the day of travel. The recycled air of the plane had made his throat scratchy; he needed a long, hot shower, and he was generally miserable. 

“Almost there now, sweetcheeks,” Natalie reassured him as the taxi rounded a corner. “You’re going to love it, I promise.” 

The villa was one that Natalie and Kasey had stayed in a few times before, boasting of it’s view and proximity to perfect waves. Right now, Alex didn’t really care about those things. As long as the villa had a comfortable bed and a large shower, he’d be satisfied. 

Natalie was right, and soon the three of them were piling out of the car, hauling bags of luggage behind them. They were only there for two weeks but somehow had five large suitcases between them. 

“I swear, I’m going to sleep for two days,” Alex grumbled as Kasey keyed in the number to obtain the keys. 

“Try and stay awake for a few more hours,” Kasey said. “You’ll feel way better tomorrow for it.”

“Yeah, yeah, jetlag, blah, try to acclimatise to local time, blah -” Alex’s rant was cut short as he stepped through the door. “Wow,” he gasped. 

The villa was gorgeous. He’d expected the large expanse of open plan luxury; a haven of polished metal and glass windows that showed panoramic views of white sand meeting a crystal clear sea. What he hadn’t expected was the giant Christmas tree, at least a few feet taller than himself, and the rest of the expertly placed decorations. 

“Do you like it?” Kasey asked. Alex saw the glance that he and Natalie shared. They were probably worried, he’d been frozen in place for the last 30 seconds. 

Alex nodded, taking a moment to find his words, “It’s incredible. Just like home. Better.”

Everywhere he looked there was something new. A wreath on the wall. Faux furs draped over the seating. A garland that snaked all the way up the spiral staircase. 

“Are those?” Alex stepped towards the stockings that hung on the wall. Each one had a name sewn into it. Natalie. Alex. Kasey.

“Yeah,” Natalie nodded. “One for each of us. Lils made those.”

Alex let himself be pulled into Kasey’s arms, feeling a bit overwhelmed. 

“We know that Christmas with your family is very important to you and we just want you to know that we are incredibly grateful that you decided to spend it with us this year,” Kasey said softly. 

“Finn already bailed anyway,” Alex gave a small laugh. He felt Natalie join them and her arms were also there, enclosing Alex between his two favourite people. 

“We told them to leave the tree. Thought we could decorate it together?” Natalie told him.

“God, I love you two.” Alex breathed. 

That had been ten days ago. Now, a cheesy Christmas movie played on the TV but Alex wasn’t paying it much attention; enjoying the memory and being curled into Kasey’s chest. His fingers played idly with Natalie’s blonde waves as she snored softly in his lap.  

It was the perfect end to a perfect day, a delicately balanced mixture of tradition and newness. Alex saw how hard his partners had worked to give him a Christmas day that rivalved those of his memories with his family and Alex couldn’t wait to thank them properly for it tomorrow. For now though, he was content to just bask in the moment.

“Al,” Kasey whispered. “Do you want to head to bed? I’m not really watching this.”

Alex looked up at Kasey, a gentle smile resting on his lips, “Yeah, bed sounds good to me.”

“Shotgun, not waking Natalie up” Kasey laughed.

“No need to wake her up. I’ll carry her,” Alex said. "Besides, she’s not that bad.”

Kasey frowned, “She bit me once.” 

“Yeah, and did you clap in her ear like you did to me that time?” Alex replied. “Because if so, then you deserved it.” 

“Not my fault you both sleep like the dead.” Kasey mumbled under his breath, switching off the TV and taking their dirty glasses to the sink. 

Natalie gave a small grumble as she was picked up, wriggling in Alex’s arms before settling herself into the crook. 

“God, she’s so cute.” Alex spoke quietly. 

“You both are.” Kasey said with a grin, pressing a kiss first to Natalie’s cheek and then Alex’s. He led them the short distance to the bedroom, pulling the thin sheets on the bed back so that Alex could lie Natalie down. 

“I’m just gonna brush my teeth,” Alex started to walk towards the en-suite but suddenly his phone was vibrating against the bedside table. The noise seemed extraordinarily loud in the quiet room. “Fuck, that’ll be Finn. Get that please, Kase?”

Kasey grabbed the phone and Alex heard a snort as he read the contact name, Fillet O’Fish. 

“Hi!” Finn’s voice boomed a few seconds before his face appeared. 

“Sssh.” Kasey hissed, rapidly hitting the down volume key. 

“Oh, hi, Blizz,” Finn said. “Don’t know why I wasn’t expecting you. You’re naked. Why are you naked? Am I interrupting something? Is Alex naked too? I don’t want to see that.” 

Alex plucked the phone from Kasey’s hand with a laugh. “He’s not naked, we’re just getting reading for bed,” Alex replied, panning the camera down and showing Kasey’s plaid pyjama pants to prove his point. 

Alex pecked Kasey on the lips, “I’m going to take this to the other room.” 

“Alright,” Kasey returned the kiss. “Merry Christmas Finn,” he added, giving the camera a wave. 

“Merry Christmas, Kase!” a chorus of replies was heard. 

Alex wandered from the bedroom, settling himself into a seat that gave a stunning view of the beach that their villa was sat on. 

“Wait, isn’t it only 9 pm there?” Finn asked. “Why are you going to bed already?” 

Before Alex could answer, Logan appeared in the frame, leaning over the back of the sofa to wrap his arms around Finn’s neck, “So nosy, Fish. Maybe they tired each other out, eh?” 

Finn’s nose wrinkled with a look of disgust, “eww.”

“Nothing like that,” Alex laughed. “Not this evening anyway,” he continued, a slight twinkle in his eyes.

“Get it, Alex,” Leo teased, flopping himself onto the sofa next to Finn. 

“Look at this view,” Alex said, turning the camera so they could see the idyllic scenery in an attempt to change the subject. It only served to trigger a memory from earlier that day, one that he probably shouldn't have been thinking about whilst on the phone with his brother. 

Alex sighed happily to himself as he looked down at the watch on his wrist. It looked out of place against his bright blue and pink flamingo shorts, but Alex had received it from Kasey earlier that morning and he refused to take it off. 

It was barely 11 am. However, it was Christmas day, so Alex didn't feel even the slightest bit guilty about the cosmopolitan balanced between his fingers, as he waited for Natalie and Kasey to come back from their surf. Alex wasn’t the biggest fan of the water, preferring to stay in the shade of the giant umbrella they had set up despite Natalie’s playful chirping. 

Alex had pointed the watch out on his and Kasey’s first date without Natalie. They'd been heading to the aquarium when Alex had spotted it in the window of the jewellers. He'd made the briefest passing comment about how beautiful it was and it made Alex's heart sing that Kasey had remembered. 

As if they knew that he was thinking about them, Alex saw the sun bronzed figures of his partners making their way towards him. They looked good; fitted wetsuits showing off their toned bodies and their faces brightened by laughter. Alex loved Kasey’s laugh, people thought it was rare but he just saved it for those that he thought truly deserved it. Apparently, Alex was one of those people now. 

“Close your mouth, O’Hara.” Natalie teased, grabbing a towel and piling her hair into it. 

“Hmm,” Finn nodded, pulling Alex from the memory too soon. “That is beautiful. I think mine has been better though.” His brother's eyes glanced back towards Logan with a smirk and Alex had a sneaking suspicion that Logan's torso wasn't the only thing that was bare. 

"Yeah, you can keep that one for yourself," Alex retorted. 

“Hey Haz! Did Kase like his present?” Leo asked. 

Alex had enjoyed getting to know his brother’s second boyfriend. He offered a stabilizing presence to Finn and Logan’s chaos and to paraphrase shrek, “he was like an onion, he had layers.” Leo had been Kasey’s secret santa and Alex hated to admit it, but he had done a great job. 

“Unfortunately yes,” Alex pretended to glare. “I suppose I have Finn to thank for helping you with that?”

Leo shook his head, “Your mom actually. She was more than willing to send many photos of baby Alex.” 

Alex barked out a laugh, “Of course she was.” He couldn’t really be mad. The three of them had spent an age flipping through the scrapbook of his childhood photos, laughing at the annotations that Leo had added in his delicate script. 

The alarm on Leo’s phone blared. “Sorry, that’s the timer for the potatoes,” the blond apologised. “I better go and check on them.”

“I can come and help.” Finn said.

Alex saw Leo visibly wince before he replied, "No thank you sweetheart. Y’all stay and talk with your brother.” 

Alex raised an eyebrow, “Do I even want to know what disasters you are causing?”

“You cannot talk, Alexander,” Logan defended. “You nearly burnt your kitchen down making toast.”

Alex didn’t have an argument to that, it was true. He hadn’t been much help with Christmas dinner either. 

“Are you sure that you don’t want me to do anything?”  Alex asked for the thousandth time. Besides setting the table, he really hadn’t done much to help with the meal and he didn’t feel great about it. 

“Yes,” Natalie insisted. “We really do not need a trip to the ER today. Just sit down and look pretty.” 

He protested a little but did as he was told. He watched Natalie and Kasey work, moving seamlessly around one another. And then Alex was standing again. He went back inside, ignoring his partner's queries. He was only going to be a moment anyway. Alex reappeared with his camera. He may not be able to cook, but he was excellent at photography. He remembered how they had found so much joy in looking at the photos of himself earlier and wanted to document their first Christmas together. Hopefully, in years to come it would bring them similar joy. 

He took photo after photo of the meal coming together. Kasey flipping the steaks on the BBQ. Natalie glazing the prawns in sauce. The private glances they shared. 

The camera was taken out of his hands and he heard the shutter snap as Natalie fed him pieces of peach. 

He beckoned the two of them over and took a few shots of the three of them together, Santa hats perched on their heads, until Natalie was cursing about something burning.

He’d go through the photos later but he doubted there would be many that he wanted to delete. 

“Earth to Alex!” Finn shouted and Alex blushed as he realised that they had been trying to get his attention for a little while.

Logan rolled his eyes, “You and Finn make the same stupid faces.”

“Oi!” Alex and Finn exclaimed together. 

“C’est Vrai,” Logan chimed.

“I’ll admit to being a hopeless romantic.” Alex shrugged. “It’s part of my charm.”

Finn snorted at that, “It’s not my fault that you and Le are so cute.”

“Agreed.” Alex nodded. “Nat and Kase should be less perfect. It’s all their fault really.”

“You’re both disgusting,” Logan groaned, but he was pressing his lips to the bare flesh on the back of Finn's neck, and Alex had known those two long enough to know exactly where that was going. 

“On that note, I am going to bed. Have a fantastic Christmas, boys.”

[twinklecheeks]

Friends With Benefits (Jeff Wittek Imagine) Part 11

Summary: Jeff and Y/N have been hooking up for a while. The whole vlog squad assumes they’re dating and Y/N does too but Jeff doesn’t like labels. He eventually starts to express interest in Natalie.

Note: Planning on making this a multiple part series, depending on how good it does.  You’re 21 & Latina in this (maybe) series. Also, I’d like to apologize for the typos, if there is any. I’m just illiterate lmao.  

Side note: Sorry it took me over a week to post this! I just started my last semester of college and I also have a part time job, so I’ve been super tired. I’ll try to be more consistent.

Warnings! Pregnancy, Smut 

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4 , Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10,

Word Count: 2k

Christmas Eve 12/24/2019

Y/n: *Wakes up and stares at Jeff peacefully sleeping*

Jeff: *moans*

Y/n: *looks down and notices Jeff has a boner* Hmmm *gently rubs the swollen tip of Jeff’s cock*

Jeff: *thrusts into y/n’s hand*

Y/n: *Smirks and quietly gets out of bed to lock the door* *Pulls Jeff’s boxer’s down and sees his cock slap against his abs* *Softly licks the base of his Jeff’s cock all the way to the tip and sucks the head*

Jeff: *moans* mmm fuck.

Y/n: *You use the entirety of your palms and fingers with just how big and long he is. You hum greedily as you do this*

Jeff: *wakes up and smirks* I guess it’s a very Merry Christmas to me.

Y/n: I can suck on your cock all day daddy *winks*

Jeff: *groaning at how fast you’re going* F-fuck baby the way you’re moaning. You’re gonna kill me *bucks his hips*

Y/n: Shhh, I don't want them to know I’m sucking your cock ;) *continues to deepthroat feeling him twitch*

Jeff: Oh my fucking god baby yesss. Fuck me, fuck me, over and over. I swear I’d be fucking you every nigh- JESUS FUCK *cums inside her mouth*

Y/n: *swallows and sucks his cock clean* That was a great way to start Christmas.

Jeff: *laughs* Me cumming in you?

Y/n: *smirks* Mhmmm, I love it when you’re in me ;)

Jeff: What time is it?

Y/n: It’s 7:42am. I think your mom is already up cooking.

Jeff: Well if you want to see the Christmas parade at 11 w/ Jonah’s family, round 2 in the shower has to be a quickie.

Y/n: *looks down at his cock* You’re still hard? You just came a bunch in my mouth.

Jeff: I’m always hard for you babe *winks*

*After the Christmas Parade*

Suzie: I loved the parade! New York is so pretty during Christmas.

Vardon: Christmas is also more fun w/ snow.

Jonah: Guys it was fucking freezing outside.

Y/n: It was only 38 degrees.

Jeff’s mom: Oh good you guys are back. Marie (Jonah’s mom) and I are almost done with the food.

Jeff: Ma you’ve been cooking since like 6am. Have you had a break?

Jeff’s mom: We also did some last minute shopping/ gift wrapping. Everybody gets to open one present today and the rest tomorrow.

Y/n: You guys open presents tomorrow?

Jeff’s dad: Yeah, doesn’t everybody?

Y/n: Well in the Hispanic/ Latinx community, we call today Hispanic Christmas. So we open our presents today and then we spend the 25th stuffing our faces in left overs. We open on the 24th cause we’re too impatient and yes, we know Jesus was born on the 25th.

Jeff: Maybe we can do that w/ the girls next year.

Jeff’s mom: *tears up* Oh god you’re going to have daughter’s next year.

Jeff: Maaaa don’t cry again.

Y/n: Oh we are definitely doing hispanic christmas. If my sister comes over, she’d want to open the presents like a week before. She’s the most impatient. One year, she opened presents at like 3-4pm.

Jeff’s mom: I’m such a cry baby. Now help me set up the table!

*everybody helps set the plates and food*

Jeff’s dad: does anybody want to start the prayer?

Jeff: I’ll do it.

Karyn: Really? The last time you did it was Easter 2005 and you couldn’t stop laughing.

Jeff’s mom: Karyn.

*everybody holds hands*

Jeff: oh Heavenly Father, thank you for all that you’ve brought us. I know that Christmas is about you but I’d like to say thanks. Thank you for keeping everybody here in good health because I don’t know where I’d be w/ out them. I’m grateful for the supportive family and friends you have given me and most importantly, y/n. I know we were very rocky until recently but you brought her into my life for a reason. She was changing me into a better person and I was too stubborn to accept it. Now she’s going to be the mother of my 2 amazing daughters. Those babies already have me wrapped around their fingers and they’re not even here yet. I can’t wait for the day y/n and I get married and have however many babies you give us but don’t make it twins each time cause that’s gonna make my hair gray fast

Jeff’s mom: Jeffrey-

Jeff: okay I’m just kidding… kind of but you know what I mean. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me and the rest of my family. Amen.

Everybody: Amen

Jeff’s dad: Hun are you crying?

Y/n: *sniffles her nose* NO. Maybe…. I wouldn't have thought Jeff was religious.

Karyn: Only during Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter.

Jeff’s Dad: Karyn stop teasing your brother. Now that the prayer is over with, let’s eat!

Jeff’s mom: Marie and I spent all morning cooking. Also, since this is y/n’s first Christmas w/ us, I wanted to bring some of the food she eats during the holidays.

Y/n: What food?

Jeff’s mom: *shows the Pernil* (pernil is pork shoulder)

Y/n: NO YOU DIDN’T *tastes the food* AND IT TASTES JUST LIKE OUT MY DAD MAKES IT. How did you make it?!

Jeff: She asked me a couple of days ago what you eat during the holidays and I found your sister on instagram. I got the recipe from her.

Jeff’s mom: I saw that it was a Puerto Rican dish so I asked one of my friends who knows how to make it to show me the steps.

Y/n: Oooo imma try not to cry again but THANK YOU SO MUCH.

Jonah: Can we eat now

After Dinner

Y/n: I ate so much, I think I’m having triplets. But thank you once again. I was pretty nervous to come here because I didn’t know how y’all would react to me.

Karyn: Just know that when we get mad, it’s at Jeff cause he’s always the one that somehow messes up.

Jeff: What time is it?

Suzie: It’s 7pm. Should we watch Christmas movies and then open presents before bed?

Vardon: Let’s watch the Grinch

Jonah: *ignores Vardon* Any other suggestions? Please. ANY OTHER.

Karyn: Y/n what do you watch for Christmas.

Y/n: Well, my personal favorite is Jingle all the Way but the Christmas Line up in my family is usually Home Alone 2, A Diva’s Christmas Carol, A Very Brady Christmas, the I Love Lucy Christmas episode and other’s I can’t remember.

Jeff: I mean, we are in New York. Home Alone 2?

Everybody: Sure.

*After watching Christmas movies*

Jeff’s mom: It’s 9:45pm. I think we should be opening our one present before we go to bed.

Jeff: Youngest to oldest! So my niece goes first, then Vardon, Y/n, Suzie, Jonah, etc.

*Jeff’s nieces and Vardon opens their gifts*

Vardon: No way. Jeff got me airpods! Thank you *Hugs Jeff*

Jeff: You’re welcome. Now time for y/n to open her gift from me.

Y/n: Oooo okay. *opens gift and sees two little gold bracelets* what are these for?

Jeff: I always see babies w/ the small little charm bracelet. You mentioned your sister and you never got that from your parents but your older brother did. I wanted to do that for our girls even though they're not here yet. So once we pick out the names, we’ll get the charms.

Y/n: *sniffles* Dammit why do you keep making me cry.

Jeff: Cause I don’t want you to ever forget how much I love you.

Jonah: Can we move on from this sappy shit so I can open my gift.

Everybody: JONAH.

*After everybody opens their presents*

Y/n: Thank you so much for accepting me on such short notice.

Jeff’s mom: Hun we’re family now. You’ll always be a part of us. Same for the Antonyans. We know how much Jeff misses having us around since he’s been living in LA and y’all have been a family to him.

Jonah’s mom: I love Jeff like he my own son. He help us so much.

Jeff’s Dad: Y’all just have to make sure to visit us often. Get’s kind of lonely here w/ Karyn living in Kentucky, Jeff living in LA. I mean Steven lives in the city w/ his kids but we miss having all of you together here.

Jeff: I’m starting to think that having girls runs in the family. Karyn has a daughter, Steven has twin girls and now I’m gonna have twin girls.

Jeff’s mom: I mean you never know if the nurse made a mistake. They thought your brother was a girl for half my pregnancy. Then they did the last ultrasound a week before I gave birth to him and they said he was a boy.

Y/n: Oh god I don’t even want to think about that. I’m already stressed out about the babies possibly being deaf now I gotta be worried if the nurse misgendered them….

Karyn: The babies are gonna be deaf?

Y/n: Hmm?

Jeff’s dad: You just said there’s a possibility the twins will be born deaf.

Y/n: Fuck. I did say that, didn't I… Jeff, you wanna help me out here?

Jeff: Ummm. Damn we weren’t planning on telling anybody this for a couple of weeks. We got a call a couple of days ago after we did some genetic testing and the doctor said the babies have a high chance of being born hard of hearing/ deaf.

Karyn: My doctors told me the same thing. Luckily my daughter turned out fine

Steven: I wasn’t a carrier for the gene…

Jeff’s mom: We’ll love those babies no matter what. If we have to learn sign language for them, then we’d do it. I’ll fly out to LA once it gets close to the due date to help out.

Jeff: Thanks ma. Means a lot.

Y/n: Thank you so much. I don’t know if my own parents would forgive me by then to be there for the birth.

Jeff’s mom: Anytime sweetheart. My god look at the time, It’s 10:15, we have to go to bed before Santa comes.

Jonah: Haha, but santa isn-

Jeff: Jonah you better better not finish that sentence cause my nieces are here and I don’t wanna see the magic ruined for them.

Jonah: What I was saying was, isn't Santa a little late?… He should’ve been here by now…

Going to bed

Y/n: I am so stuffed. Christmas turned out a lot better than I thought.

Jeff: See, you had nothing to be afraid about. Also, good job on keeping the deaf thing a secret haha.

Y/n: Hey! It’s been on my mind since we found out. WAIT. Jonah and Suzie.

Jeff: What about them?

Y/n: they were there…. What if they tell everybody else.

Jeff: Suzie would never… Jonah on the other hand… I have little faith in him.

Y/n: I’m afraid to check my phone.

Jeff: Same. I haven't looked at it all day. On the count of 3…

Y/n: One….

Jeff: Two.

Y/n & Jeff: Three. *looks at phones*

Y/n’s phone: 82 text messages & 24 missed calls

Jeff’s phone: 77 text messages & 21 missed calls

Vlog Squad GC

David: Was what Jonah said true?

Natalie: Is it serious?

Jason: Y’all I’m so sorry

Zane: There has to be a way to fix it. My babies will be okay right?

Erin: I’ll postpone my wedding until the babies are okay

Carly: Oh no Carly and Erin jr :(

Corinna: The babies are gonna be deaf?

Mariah: Is it confirmed?

Heath: Have y’all seen other doctors?

Matt: Guys they’re busy. I don’t think we should be spamming them on Christmas.

Toddy: We’ll stop one they answer us!

David: I’ll put in whatever money you need for surgeries or anything.

Jason: Guys stop. They’ll tell us everything once they’re ready.

(end of conversation)

Jeff: I’m gonna kill Jonah.

Y/n: Oh hun, so will I…

The next chapter might take a bit because I’m still thinking what will be in it. You guys can give be suggestions and I can give you credit for it!

Comment if you want to be on the taglist!

Taglist: @elvlogsquad​ @siemprestan​ @zavidzobrik​ @galxydefender​ @iminlovewithenchilidadas​ @ilsolee​ @ranprivate @one-sweet-gubler  @sunwardsss @shamalamashams @michellemxndes

[verobatto]

Destiel Chronicles

Vol. LXXVI

It was a love story from the very beginning.

How to use my words.

(12x02/12x03)

Hello my friends! Another meta from delicious season 12. This time we are gonna talk about how difficult for Dean to use his own words when is about his mother AND his angel.

The positive thing here is, he was able at the end of this season, to express through words what he felt about his mother in front of her, so this gives us hopes.

So let's start!

Don't Make Things Needlessly Complicated

Before talking about the Destiel call, let's focus a little on Sam and Toni Belleville.

This lady broke Sam's mind to get info, and this was a violation of Sam's thoughts against his will. Is a drastic example of what will happen with AUMichael possessing Dean.

Now... Is time to evaluate what Cas thinks about the way humans try to communicate feelings. Mostly, about how Dean tries to do that.

As I said before, Dean can speak about his true feelings with Sam, or Jody, or any friend... But communication with you dead/now alive mother is hard, and imagine talking with your crush!

DEAN: Cass, hey. So, here's the thing. It's been kind of weird here with, you know, Mom being back. It's like we don't know how to act around each other, so we just kind of make this small talk and act normal, but it's – it's so not normal.

Okay, this is what I was talking about, talk with mom is difficult for Dean, but I want to point out a foreshadow here. Who will come back from the death too in season 13? And who will act as if that was normal? Making small talks not touching or talking about the big elephant in the room? Yes... Dean.

CASTIEL: Um, I'm – I'm not sure. What – what has she said to you?

DEAN: Well, nothing. That – that – that's the whole point.

CASTIEL: Okay, what have you said to her?

DEAN: Well, nothing. I'm – I don't know what to say to her, you know? It – it's – it's like it's all just too much, and...I don't want to overwhelm her.

This, my friends, is the center of it all. When will the talk come? Mary is a Dean mirror. So she will act just as him. NOT TOUCHING THE BIG ISSUE. NOT TALKING ABOUT THE ELEPHANT. She had been dead, and she's dealing with a big mourn: she lost the family she knew. It was a lie, and she needs to move on. But, she's pushing all those feelings down. Dean will do the same when Cas will come back from death, as if nothing had happened, after a huge, huge mourn. He won't talk about it. And he will push those feelings down, as he always does.

CASTIEL: Don't make things needlessly complicated, as you humans tend to do. I'll call you.

Castiel always speaks directly from his heart. He is honest. So he can barely understand this behavior, when he says humans, he wants to say YOU. Dean makes things needlessly complicated when he wants to use his words now with Mary, and later, with Cas... Misscomunication at our door.

Are we discussing the same thing?

This innocent and comical dialogue came after...

DEAN: Did you have a look inside?

CASTIEL: No No, it's – it's powerfully warded.

DEAN: Powerfully warded? Okay, see, buddy, that – that was your headline right there.

CASTIEL SHAKES HIS HEAD AND LOOKS DOWN.

CASTIEL: Are we still discussing the same thing?

This is priceless, and is a hint of the mixtape. Our clueless cute angel didn't understand Dean's chosen word headline in their dialogue. So Cas has a sign in front of his eyes to decipher that's the place where Sam is kept hidden. So, Dean is trying to show Cas that a place powerfully warded should be a big sign for Cas. Just like the mixtape he will give him after Castiel's love confession. Dean will trying to show him through a symbol (the mixtape) his true feeling for him, that's your headline Cas. But Cas is clueless.

I want to talk about a few things here... Mostly one of the most married dialogues... When Dean appears with Mary and Cas says... You brought your mother? And then he had to rescued Dean and stay with her. It was just perfect!

Gif set credit @thejabberwock 👇

The fact that in this season more than one character will call Castiel the Winchester's dog is so disrespectful but is also a foreshadow of Scoobynatural.

Gif credit @spnwhenever 👇

The difference between Dean and Sam when they have to use their words towards Mary. Sam did a good job, but he says Mary filled an empty place he had in his heart when she came back from Death. This is so cute, because he never met her, so having her there is a blessing.

In Dean's point of view, he has to mourn the childhood image of his mother, and learn to love and accept the woman she is.

But this is a reflection of what we will see in episode 13x06 when Cas will come back from death.

I don't belong here

So Mary feeling out of the poll is like Cas feeling out of place too.

The dialogue they had in episode 12x03 the bunker opens eyes to the audience into a thought they were suspecting. Cas still feels he doesn't belong.

Mary: After you left heaven, when did it start to feel like...like you fit, like you...belonged here?

Castiel: Well, I'm still not sure I do.

Don't worry, he will feel he belongs here when Jack enters in action.

This entire episode is a foreshadow of brainwashed Mary from the end of season 12, but visually, it presents a couple of interesting Destiel symbolism.

The handprints and the frozen hearts, could be related to Castiel's death too, and the way Dean will feel about it.

Let's refer quickly about the polemic "I LOVE YOU. I LOVE BOTH OF YOU." Quote.

This had been analyzed plenty for the meta community, so I won't say nothing new, but, the physical element I very important. Because we had Mary, blatantly giving Dean her back and staring straight to Sammy's eyes, so the audience can see that I love you was for Sam, and the second one, when she turns around to see Dean, she says I LOVE BOTH OF YOU, that one is for the two of them. Simply. As a message sent to us, because something huge will come in episode 12x12 when Cas almost dies. You know what I'm saying here.

I want to point out here how cute looked Cas trying to imitate the Winchester. Even brushing his hair to look good, because he knows is important for humans... But also how he will fell he failed at this when Sam and Dean disappear when they were captured by the secret service.

Gif credit @mad-as-a-box-of-frogs 👇

To Conclude:

Both episodes acted like a review of foreshadows of what will come in season 12 and 13.

The entrance of Mary is important because she will act as a reflection of Castiel, a Dean's mirror, and she will give Dean the opportunity of grow up, mourning that childish image he has of the perfect Mary Winchester, and try to understand and accept her as she is, while learning how to use his own words with her.

Hope you like this one! See you in the next one!

Tagging @magnificent-winged-beast @emblue-sparks @weird-dorky-little-deana @michyribeiro @whyjm @legendary-destiel @a-bit-of-influence @thatwitchydestielfan @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @savannadarkbaby @dea-stiel @poorreputation @bre95611 @thewolfathedoor @charlottemanchmal @neii3n @deathswaywardson @followyourenergy @dean-is-bi-till-i-die @hekatelilith-blog @avidbkwrm @anarchiana @dickpuncher365 @vampyrosa @authorsararayne @anonymoustitans @mybonsai1976 @love-neve-dies @dustythewind @wayward-winchester67 @angelwithashotgunandtrenchcoat @trashblackrainbow @deeutdutdutdoh @destiel-shipper-11 @larrem88 @charmedbycastiel @ran-savant @little-crazy-misha-minion @samoosetheshipper

@shadows-and-padlocked-hearts @mishtho @dancingtuesdaymorning @nerditoutwithbooks @mikennacac73 @justmeand-myinsight @idontwantpeopletoknowmyname @tenshilover20 @teddybeardoctor @pepevons @helevetica @isthisdestiel @dizzypinwheel @jawnlockwinchester @horsez2 @qanelyytha

@imjustkipping @destielle @agusvedder @spnsmile @shippsblog @robot-feels @superlock-in-the-tardis @superduckbatrebel @2musiclover2 @nickelkit @anon-non2

If you want to be tagged or removed from this list, just let me know!

If you want to read the previous meta from season 12 you can read it here.

Buenos Aires August 25th 2020 6:10 PM

[particularnervous]

Ring or No Ring

Hello! This is the first of (hopefully) many Christmas fics. I got this idea from a prompt list, so all credits to @saintlymendes for the idea. I hope you enjoy xo

Summary: You come home one morning to Shawn searching through the snow in your front yard, searching for something.

Also - Would anyone be interested in being on a taglist for my writing?? If this flops - I never said anything lol

--

For the first time in two years, you have Christmas Day off from work. As a shift-working nurse, it isn’t uncommon for you to work holidays – in fact it’s mandatory so that all the full-time staff get them off. You’ve typically been on the Christmas Day shift, and even though you love the thought of brightening a patients Christmas, or being with them when their family isn’t, you do miss being with your own family on the holiday. This year, though, the stars had aligned (in the form of you baking gingerbread for the charge nurse all month) to have you end your rotation on the night before Christmas, meaning once you leave work at 7:00am on the 25th, you’re off until the morning of the 29th.

You and Shawn had decided to drive south of Toronto to your family for the holidays, having celebrated with his the week before. You hadn’t been with your family for Christmas Day in years, since you started nursing, and your mom had cried when you told her your plans. All of you were overjoyed, and you were to thankful that Shawn was getting up at 7:00am to drive with you for three hours.

You had showered and changed at work quickly before you left, doing final rounds a bit early to get out as soon as possible. When you pulled into the driveway about twenty minutes after 7:00, two coffees’ in the center console and Christmas music already blaring, Shawn was standing in the front lawn.

Standing wasn’t really the word for it, though, he was more hunched over, in nothing but a button-down shirt and jeans, as if he was looking for something. Climbing carefully out of the car, weary of the thin layer of ice on the driveway, you approached Shawn.

“Hey baby,” you said, stepping into the snow with him. It was so cold, well below the actual freezing point, and you were bundled in winter clothes, unlike your boyfriend. “Is everything okay?”

Shawn was grumbling to himself, almost as if unaware that you were suddenly there, and it took you placing your gloved hand on his shoulder for him to stop moving and look up at you.

“Honey! You’re home! Is it 7:00 yet?” He was flustered, and for a second you wondered if he was somehow on something, if someone had slipped something into his drink when he went out with Brian the night before. But you’ve seen people high on almost everything imaginable, it comes with the territory of the job, and Shawn definitely was not on drugs. He looked like he did at an awards show when he was nominated, or before he stepped on stage for the first show in a tour. Concisely, Shawn looked anxious.

“It’s almost 7:30, love, do you want to tell me what’s going on?”

Shawn looked dejected when he stood fully straight, looking at you with tears in his eyes suddenly. Instinctually you moved closer to him, wrapping your arms around him, urging him to talk to you.

“I was going to propose to you, but I was out here practicing and I dropped the ring in the snow and now I can’t find it.” You tried to be serious, tried to swallow the butterflies that launched from your stomach to form a block in your throat at the word propose but you really couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled out of you.

Shawn was taken aback, looking at you with his mouth hanging open. “Babe, this isn’t funny! I lost your engagement ring!” He sounded so perplexed and stressed, but this only made you laugh harder. You were doubled over in the snow, and to your neighbours I’m sure the two of you looked like a sight for sore eyes.

“I’m not laughing because you lost the ring.” You managed out, slowly calming down. “I’m laughing because this is such a you thing to happen.” After a few seconds, Shawn is laughing too, and even though this is nothing like how he’d planned the proposal, this almost seems better, more authentic to their relationship.

“I’m saying yes, though.” You say, moving again to wrap practically your entire body around Shawn’s. You kiss his neck softly and grin, happiness exploding inside of you. “We’re definitely getting married, ring or no ring.” It feels serious then, the two of you looking at each other silently for a second. You feel like you did the first time you told Shawn you loved him, thrilled and sweaty and relieved and excited. That hadn’t gone as planned either, and you smile slightly remembering that memory.

Suddenly, though, Shawn gasps over your shoulder where his head is placed in your embrace. He all but trips over his feet, ramming his hand into the snow a few feet away from you. Victoriously, he whips his hand into the air to present you with a gorgeous diamond ring. It matches your Pinterest board perfectly, and you’re sure he had asked your mom to send him the link to the board. It’s perfect, though, and suddenly you’re crying as he gets down on to one knee, still in the snow and still in only jeans.

“I know you already said yes,” he starts, and you giggle through your tears, “but I planned a big speech so just listen. When I met you, I thought I had it all figured out. I was maturing too quickly and cared way too much about so many little things, but you helped me realize what’s important in life. I’m in love with you, so much that I can’t explain it in words and I’ll be trying to explain it in songs for the rest of my life, and that’s what’s important. I want to build a forever with you, and have a bunch of little us’s running around and creating chaos because you know they’ll have your energy and my insanity. You’re the best person I know, and I know I fucked this up today, but I’m hoping you can look past that, because I’m on my knees in snow and that’s a lot of dedication.” You’re laughing through your sobs as he stands up and slides the ring on your finger, and you’re kissing him so hard once the ring is in place that you’re sure your lips might fall off – and not from hypothermia.

“I can’t wait to spend forever with you.” You whispered against his lips, and he grinned.

“We can’t get married in the winter, though, there’s no way I’m losing the wedding bands too.”

[linphd]

⛄️ CHRISTMAS DAY 2 ⛄️ dad!kirishima x mom!reader | presents

eijiro kirishima x reader

female reader

Eijiro and (Y/N)'s children open their presents on the Christmas Day.

no warning

(S/N) = son's name

(D/N) = daughter's name

'''And the... lion... said... goodnight' !'' The little boy said, pointing to the words. Eijiro smiled, giggling. ''Great ! You're very good at reading, (S/N) !'' His son giggled back at him, proud of himself. ''You'll teach your sister, right ?'' The man asked, resting his cheek against his son's bed.

''Of course !'' The boy said, his smile showing his pointy teeth. ''Nice ! Goodnight, then ! And tomorrow, we'll see the presents Santa Claus put under the tree !'' That said, Eijiro's son gasped, immediately rolling in the sheets to fall asleep as soon as possible. The man looked in his daughter's room to see her perfectly asleep already, so he could go to his own bed.

It was the 25th of December ; the Kirishima family loved to spend the 24th with their relatives, and the 25th with their friends that were like family. And even if (S/N) and (D/N) had opened some presents the day before, they still had some presents to open that day. And that's why the little boy was very excited when he went downstairs -almost falling in the stairs in the process. ''Why so excited, little dude ?'' Eijiro asked his son. ''Our guests only arrive for midday.'' He said, a smile on his face.

        ''I know ! But I'm too excited for the presents !'' (S/N) replied, sitting on the couch next to his dad. ''You'll open them at midday. There will be Bakugou, Mina, Sero and Denki, remember ? Denki comes with Jiro and Sumi.'' Sumi was their daughter, and the Kirishima children really liked her. ''You know that mom is still sleeping, right ? You're really awake early.'' Eijiro said, giving a juice box to his son. ''I know !'' He replied.

''You didn't wake your sister up, did you ?'' The man asked. ''No I didn't ! She was still sleeping.'' The little boy said. A few hours later, when (Y/N) woke up, he went to take a shower as his parents started to cook lunch for when their friends would arrive.

When Bakugou knocked on the door, Kirishima had just finished a game of Mario Kart with his son. (Y/N) opened the door and greeted everyone -they all had brought some food. ''Wow Bakugou, you didn't have to bring the whole dinner.'' The woman said, seeing how much food he had brought. ''I'm the cook. I still wanted to eat something.'' He replied, not trusting (Y/N)'s cooking skills. The two Kirishima children jumped to everyone's neck to hug them, and then showed their new console game to Sumi.

As Denki was blabbering about his radio show he was now hosting with Present Mic, the others were talking about their days at U.A. ''What did you get for Christmas ?'' Mina asked. ''(Y/N) drew me a better design for my winter costume ! Even though I still need to be half naked for my quirk...'' Eijiro replied, pouting at the last part -he was cold ! ''And she got us the console ! Yeay !'' He continued. ''Wasn't the console for you though ?'' Sero asked (Y/N) -knowing she loved video games- who chuckled at his question. ''What did you get if the console wasn’t for yourself ?'' The brunette asked her, and everyone started to talk about their presents.

       After eating -and before the dessert- the kids were allowed to open the presents the former bakusquad had brought them. (Y/N) gasped at her tiny daughter opening a big present. ''Ohhh, (D/N) ! What did Mina receive at her house for you ?'' The little girl laughed when she was done unwrapping the present. ''Talking dog !'' The 3 years old said, a big smile on her face. It was a mechanical dog she loved -she always recognized the song whenever there was the add on TV. Eijiro took a picture of her, holding the robot in her hands.

Actually, Eijiro and (Y/N) had wanted a dog for quite some months now ; and as (Y/N) had dogs at her parents' house, she knew how to take care of one. And the children actually heard them talking about getting a dog, and they got obsessed with the idea. Did they have plan to offer them a real dog ? Yes. They were sure not going to abandon it anytime. (Y/N) couldn't live without dogs anyway.

They were just waiting for Shoto to bring it -as the woman had asked him to keep the dog for the 2 days before the 25th. ''Mom ! Dad ! Look what I've got !'' (S/N) shouted, showing them his new video games that were accompanying the new console he had gotten the day before. ''Oh my God so cool ! We are soooo going to play this afternoon !'' Eijiro shouted, noticing it was a video game he also enjoyed.

After opening the presents, it was time to eat the dessert. And that's when someone rang at the door. ''Oh ? Is it Santa Claus ?'' Jiro asked, making the three kids giggle. (Y/N) went to the door, to let Shoto in, but also to take the dog in her arms. It was quite friendly, and wasn't in a box or anything, luckily for him ! When they saw Shoto, the kids greeted him, happy that he was there to see their presents. And as they were showing off everything they had received, the Kirishima kids gasped when they saw their mom arriving in the living room with a puppy.

Everyone laughed at their expression when (Y/N) gave the dog to her son -the little girl being still a bit young to carry a puppy. ''It's a girl and her name is Juna !'' The woman said, her husband recording the whole scene. As the puppy wiped his tail and licked (S/N)'s fingers, the little boy started to cry. ''What's wrong baby ?'' His mother asked. The little girl had some tears at the corner of her eyes, but they weren't rolling yet. ''We have a dog !'' The boy said, between sobs. He really was just like his father. ''Yeah, are you happy ?'' The man asked.

His kids nodded, hugging the puppy while being careful not to hurt it -their parents had often told them to be careful since Denki also had a dog and they knew it. After the two siblings were done kissing the puppy, they went to hug their parents. ''Are we still gonna play video games though ?'' Eijiro asked, making his son laugh. ''After we play with the puppy.'' He replied. They really liked their Christmas presents.

I didn’t like that one a lot but @mhastories told me it was good so I hope it really is 🥺

[lia-jones]

Growing Pains - Chapter Nineteen - Merry Christmas, Mr. Ogre

It was December 25th. One of my favorite days of the year. I lived for this day, crossing the days on the calendar, making huge preparations, anticipating the moment, hanging on the edge of my seat, eager for it to come. Christmas was a time of joy and forgiveness, of hope and love, of bravery and honor, of good food and wine, and family, and song, and yes, of a little consumerism, but I loved it. I shamelessly confess, I was a Santa’s groupie.

But that particular year, I simply wasn’t feeling it. I was team Grinch.

I was forced to stay in Loveland for Christmas because the tickets to Portugal during the season were extremely expensive, and since I already had to go to Portugal in February to present my thesis, I couldn’t possibly afford them. I actually never mentioned it to Victor, afraid that he would volunteer to pay for the tickets or offer his personal jet, so I just told him I had to work harder on my thesis, which was not a complete lie. I also told him I would spend Christmas with Diane and a few friends, so Victor wouldn’t feel the need to change the plans he already made with his family. That wasn't a lie either.

But the few friends that were attending the party started canceling one by one, so in the end it would be just me, Diane and Goldman. Despite her protests, I canceled as well, saying I really needed to work, and I wasn’t feeling too Christmassy that year. Truth is, I didn’t want to be a third wheel. It was their first Christmas together, and they had been working so much, with so little time for themselves, they should have the day to… put their affairs in order, so to speak. So, I stayed home, cooked some traditional Portuguese food, put some Christmas music on, and tried to immerse myself in the traditional happy warm vibe, hoping to stave off loneliness.

Much to my chagrin, that didn’t work one bit.

My family was far away, I was yet to meet my niece Ana (who was born one week after I flew to Loveland), Victor was in another city and would remain there for the next few days, and all I had was my laptop, a few books I had to read to check citations for my study, and lots and lots of food, since I went a little overboard with the cooking. I felt like I was destined to a solitary demise, pathetically lonesome, overworked and fat. I admit, I was being a bit of a drama queen, but for the first time in months the distance from my family was hitting me hard. I ran my hands through the ugly Christmas sweater my mom had knitted especially for me that year, hoping it would bring me more comfort. It didn’t. It only made me miss them even more.

My doorbell rang. Probably Levi, wanting me to walk his dog sometime. After that morning with Victor, I started to avoid Levi. Yes, we were friends, but I didn’t like the way he acted when Victor was around, almost in a territorial manner, behaving in a way he never did before. Apparently, Levi had caught up on that, or maybe we were both just too busy, but the truth is I hadn’t seen Levi ever since. Despite all that, I couldn’t imagine anyone else at my door at that moment except for Levi. Maybe he came to wish me a Merry Christmas. Clearly he was a better person than I was.

I opened the door, not believing what I was seeing. Instead of Levi, I saw Victor, looking at me with a stern expression.

“Aren’t you supposed to be at your father’s house?” I said, letting him in.

“Aren’t you supposed to be at Diane’s house?” He raised an eyebrow at me.

“How did you know?” My shoulders slumped. Nothing was hidden from the all-seeing and all-knowing magnate.

“It wasn’t hard. Goldman told me.” Victor looked at me like he was about to lecture me. “I am far more interested in knowing why I had to hear it from Goldman.”

“I didn’t want you to feel like you had to come here just because I’m alone. You should be with your family.” I confessed.

“And how did that work for you?” Another raised eyebrow at me. But this time, with a sly smile. Maybe he wasn't that angry after all.

“Very well, actually. I got to see you.” I smiled, squeezing his upper arm softly. “When did you come?”

“I left my father’s house first thing in the morning.” Victor sat on my sofa. “I had to come see how Santa Claus appraised your behavior this year.”

“Poorly.” I answered playfully, as I sat on the sofa beside him. “Turns out, I was naughty. Better luck next year, I guess.”

“Well, you must have done something right, because Santa left this at my house.” Victor said, pulling from his jacket a present.

“Victor…” I whispered. “We never mentioned exchanging gifts. You didn’t need to do that.”

“Have you been drinking too much eggnog?” Victor frowned playfully. “We’re not exchanging gifts. I just told you Santa dropped this at my house.”

“Oh stop it. Now I feel terrible.” I got up from my seat and walked to my room, pretending to be upset. “If I had known you would get me something, I would’ve meticulously prepared something for you myself… Since you have pretty much everything money can buy.” I returned to him, my hands behind my back. “Which was exactly what I did.” I beamed, showing him his gift. Victor chuckled. My heart melted with the sound.

“Come here. Open your present, and then I’ll open mine.” Victor pulled my hand, making me sit on the couch.

“No, you first.” I placed the gift in his hands. “I insist.”

Victor opened his gift ceremoniously, careful not to tear the wrapping paper, his fingers working diligently to peel off the tape. It was a book, The Profet, by Khalil Gibran, and a CD.

“What’s in the CD?” He smiled at me.

“My favorite songs. Well, some of them. You didn’t seem to know most of the songs I was talking about the other day, so now you will.”

Victor opened the book to also find a bookmarker I handcrafted for him. It was a felt charcoal tie with a bell attached to it. That got a laugh out of him.

“I do remember a certain someone saying I should wear a bell instead of a tie.” He said, quickly getting the joke.

“That can’t actually avoid future coffee burns, but the sentiment is there.” I smiled. “I hope you like the book as well, it’s one of my favorites, and I didn’t see it in your bookshelf.”

“I loved it all. Thank you.” He touched my forehead with his, his smile wide. “Now you.”

I started opening my present, and apparently not quickly enough, as Victor was starting to get impatient.

“Don’t make me open it for you.” Victor sighed.

“How many rolls of tape did you use on this anyway? It’s like trying to open a vault.” I fumbled, trying not to get him too annoyed.

After a moment and some sighs and eye rolls from Victor, I finally managed to pry the thing open. It was a book called “Fall in Love in Loveland”. A travel guide, it seemed. I blinked at it.

“Open it.” Victor said.

I skimmed through the book. Some particular places were highlighted in blue. I frowned slightly, paying attention to those parts.

“You said you didn’t have the time to visit Loveland yet, so I prepared a tour for you. The highlighted pages are my suggestions, the places I want to take you to, whenever we find the time, or whenever the weather is convenient. But we can visit any of the other places as well, if you’d like.”

“So this is kind of a Love Coupons book, but with places to visit?” I asked smiling, and Victor hummed in approval. “That’s so very thoughtful. I love it, thank you.” I said, going for a kiss, but he stopped me.

“You haven’t seen it all yet. There’s more.”

My fingers ran through the pages, until they stopped on a page with two pieces of paper stuck in it. I looked closely. Tickets. Plane tickets, to be exact.

“Read the tickets.” Victor smiled. He seemed even more expectant than I was.

I did as I was told. Tickets to Dubai.

“Wait…” Again, I couldn’t believe my eyes. “What?...”

“I told you to save New Year’s Eve for me.” Victor’s hand caressed my shoulder. “That’s where we are going.”

I jumped to his arms, hugging him tightly. I couldn’t care less if we were going to Dubai or staying at my place for New Year’s Eve, actually. What really brought warmth to my heart was to see this usually distant and apparently emotionless man so dedicated to include me in his life, giving such a careful consideration to our future moments together. Like it was an honor to share his life with me.

“Is it safe to deduce you liked my gift?” Victor asked. I nodded on his shoulder, still a bit overwhelmed by the surprise. “Where’s my kiss, then?” he teased.

My hands practically flew to his face, kissing him on the lips. It was loving and short, an excited peck. However, as I drew back, I took in his expression: vulnerable, clearly moved and wanting more. One of his hands went to the back of my head, pulling me for another kiss. He kissed me slowly this time, enjoying my lips. I was suddenly submerged in him, as he deepened the kiss. I was dazed when he pulled away.

“Do I have you for the day?” I asked, trying to compose myself. Victor nodded, and I wrapped my arms around his neck. “Lucky me. What do you want to do?”

“I’ll leave that up to you. After all, you’re practically a Santa's elf, I bet you can think of plenty of Christmassy things to do.” Victor eyed my sweater. “And if I may ask, why are you wearing that? Did you lose a bet?”

“My mom made it for me. It’s part of our Christmas tradition. We wear them on Christmas day.” I said, lifting my chin, showing my pride.

I remembered Victor saying, on one occasion, that his family didn’t really have any Christmas traditions, unlike my family, that had all sorts of rituals. His father sounded like a very practical, borderline robotic man, and wasn’t much into anything that didn’t have a useful purpose. Honestly, when I heard Victor talking about his father, I understood why he acted so aloof and unemotional sometimes. He was raised to focus on numbers and figures and results, and it seemed like Gregory Lee wasn’t the kind of father that used to sit down with his kid to talk about feelings. It only seemed natural if Victor was somewhat emotionally constipated.

Victor looked at the crooked Rudolph on my stomach with both disapproval and admiration.

“It’s… askew.” He frowned.

“Oh, it’s hideous, you can say it. But I love it anyway.” I smiled. “Now let’s eat, you must be hungry."

And so Victor had his first experience with Portuguese cuisine. I have to admit I was a bit worried he wouldn’t like it, since he was so picky about the quality of his food. But he seemed to enjoy it all, actually looking pleased as he ate, particularly with the wine my father had sent me from one of the wineries he worked at.

“How was Christmas Eve with your dad?” I asked, while cuddled up to Victor on the sofa, my ear against his chest, listening to his heartbeat.

“Fine.” He answered shortly, playing with my curls.

“Care to elaborate?”

“What’s there to elaborate? I went to my father’s house, I had dinner, I went to my bedroom, I called Goldman and found out a dummy was spending Christmas on her own, despite what she had previously told me.” His voice got a bit heated in this last part. “Then I went to bed, woke up today, got in the car and now I’m here, answering your silly questions. Was I thorough enough?”

“Fine, I’m done asking.” I answered flatly. I wasn’t going to push him.

“Just tell me what you want to know.” Victor sighed, his voice dripping exasperation. I turned to him, looking him in the eyes.

“I just wanted to know how Christmas with your dad went. If you had fun, what did you do with your family... Because I care, Victor, not because I’m trying to intrude. If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine.”

Victor sighed, taking one of my curls and tucking it behind my ear.

“My relationship with my father is… different from the one you have with your parents. We don’t see eye to eye most of the time, so we keep our conversations to a bare minimum.” Victor spoke like he was impervious to all this, but his eyes betrayed him. I could see a hint of sadness.

I softly stroked Victor’s cheek. He leaned his face against my touch.

“I’m glad you’re here. Thanks for coming.” I offered, entering the comfort of his arms again. I hoped my words could offer him some comfort, even if he kept trying to prove he didn’t need it.

“No need to thank me. There's no other place I'd rather be.” He held me tight, whispering softly into my hair.

[sanshine]

Omg your Christmas Eve sounds busy but very very fun! What kind of sweets did you bake?? And what do you usually have for dinner?? (I hope you don’t mind me asking all these questions, im very curious by nature hahahaha) I hope you have the best day ever! 😁💛 My family also does pretty much everything on the 24th too! We have dinner, watch movies, and then open our presents. And then the 25th, just spend it here at home eating leftovers and watching more movies 😂 so very normal here too. -🎅🏼💖

it is actually a lovely time yes 💕💞💝💘💗💓💖 we baked a bunch of stuff like this and this and a cake as well!!! the first thing i linked is basically some dry sweet dough with a lot of nuts covered with vanilla sugar!! it’s really nice for snacking! the second thing i linked are rolls filled with poppy seeds and some cherries / raisins and it’s just my family’s tradition to bake this every year bc it’s everyone’s favorite and because it’s a lot of work we only do it for christmas 🥺 for dinner we usually have fried steaks with the traditional potato salad!!!!! and talking about this is making me realise how much im looking forward to it tomorrow bgfdhjnsk i don’t mind you asking don’t worry 💖💓💗💘💝💞💕 i’m always gonna ask you back anyway because i’m curious myself bfvdnkj what about you?

i’m excited about the presents as well!!!! not only for the ateez merch but i’m honestly really looking forward to my mom getting a new phone 🥺 i wanted to buy her one last year because the one she has right now is just... you know, i wish she had a better one. i ended up not being able to buy it because i didn’t get accepted into the part time job i applied for though 🥺 but she’s gonna get one this year!!!! and that just makes me really happy 🥺 what did you wish for? and what are you getting for your family? 💞💕💝💘💗💓💖

[lovemesomesurveys]

Why did you last feel like crying? This past weekend I was just extra moody and on the verge of tears.

How long ago and why did you last feel infuriated? I get easily irritated and frustrated, but it’s been awhile since I’ve felt infuriated.

Do emotions control you or do you control your emotions? My emotions got control over me a few years ago and I haven’t been able to gain it back. :/

Do you keep your friends secrets/private information to yourself? Yes.

What negative quality do your friends bring up the most? I wouldn’t want friends who did that. I do that enough myself as it is, I don’t need anyone else pointing out all my negative qualities all the time.

What quality do you think you have that others don’t think you do? I don’t know. I feel like people in my life overestimate my abilities rather than the other way around. I feel a lot of pressure to maintain that illusion. <<< Same in regards to feeling like people overestimate my abilities. Although, in terms of the long list of negative qualities I believe I have, my loved ones would disagree on a lot of them.

Do you often “jump” to conclusions? Yeppp. Always the worst ones, too.

Do you find being alone with strangers scary, interesting or indifferent? It could be scary depending on the situation, but I’d definitely feel anxious and uncomfortable.

Do you think you know a lot about the world? There’s a lot more I don’t know.

Do you know first aid?   No. 

Does the sight of blood make you feel sick? Y Yes. It makes me feel weak. I can’t even look when having blood drawn and getting it done makes me sweaty and weak.

Does your first name have an L in it? Nope.

Middle name have a C in it? Nope.

Last name have a R in it? Yes.

Do your initials spell a legitimate word? If so, what?  Nope. The word above, does it have any connection to you at all? 

Do you prefer classic rock or nope alternative? Nope alternative?

Do you like Kings of Leon? Yeah. I loved when Sex on Fire first came out.

How about The Script? Yes.

Does crying make you feel better? Sometimes.

Do you know a girl called Becca? Nope.

How about a guy called Gregory? No.

Does someones background effect whether you’ll be friends with them or not Uh, well yeah. Like if they have a sketchy background or have done things I’m not comfortable with.

How about their religious background? I’d have a problem with a satanist or if they were involved in a cult.

If someone admitted cheating in a past relationship of theirs, would you trust them? That would likely make things complicated, but I guess it would depend on the situation. Although, you’re likely just getting their side of it and it may not be accurate or they’re leaving things out that paint them in a better light than their ex. It would just really, really depend on the situation and it’d take a lot of communication.

Do you drink tea and/or coffee every day? Coffee, yes.

Did you ever want to be a cook as a kid? No.

How about a fashion designer? No.

Do you wish that magic was real? I mean sure it’d be dope to make something you want appear or happen whenever you want. It could also be tricky, though, and used for the wrong reasons.

What food would you love to wipe off the face of the earth? I’m picky, so there’s a lot of foods I don’t like, but plenty of other people enjoy them so I’m not going to wipe it off the earth just cause I don’t like it.

Can you use a bottle opener? Yeah...

Do you own a cheese grater? Nope.

What time will it be in 38 minutes time? 4:26AM.

What day/date will it be in 11 days time? May 25th. Damn.

Have you ever owned a pet fish? Y Yep. I had a fish tank full of fish as a kid.

Do you prefer fire or ice? Fire in terms of bonfires and in a fireplace for the comfy, coziness of it and I love the smell of it during the fall. I don’t use ice in my drinks, so, not a big fan.

Do you rap along with rap songs? Ha, well my attempt to rap along.

When happy, do you become more talkative? Yeah.

Bowling or sailing? Why? Bowling I guess if I had to pick out of the two. Have no interest in either one, though.

What colour is your kettle? I don’t have one.

How about your microwave? Black.

Do you prefer sitting in the front or back of a car? Front.

How about in a train? On the bus? I’ve always had to sit in the middle on buses cause that’s where the wheelchair spots are.

Do you care about politics? I admit that I really haven’t been following closely these past few years. I used to pay more attention, but I just... can’t. It’s too much.

Obama or Bush?

Blair or Brown?

When did you last cook something from scratch? I don’t cook from scratch. The only cooking I do is packaged ramen.

What things make you jealous? Im rarely jealous. <<< Same. I feel envy more than jealousy.

Do you think the censors/fcc go a bit too far or are just right?  I am confused as to why it’s okay certain curse words but not others. And I really don’t get why in “asshole” just the “hole” part is bleeped out lol. Do you feel hungry, thirsty, sleepy or none of the above?  Right now I’m just sleepy.

What’s your Mum’s Mum called? How about your Dad’s Dad? Lupe/Charles. 

Do you prefer crepes, pancakes or waffles? Waffles and crepes.

Do you have ice-cream in your fridge right now? I think we have some.

How about chicken nuggets? Not chicken nuggets, but my brother has a bag of chicken wings.

Do you eat fish often? Never. I hate seafood. <<<< Saaaame.

Have you ever taken a martial art? Which one{s}? Nope.

Do you know anyone who is scared of you? I can’t imagine anyone being afraid of me, a stick thin, super shy, and awkward af girl. haha.

What person who has died would you bring back and why? I wouldn’t mess around with bring people back from the dead. I believe I’ll see them again one day.

Do you like watermelon? Yeah. I couldn’t tell you the last time I had any, though.

Can you remember the month of your first kiss? October. I remember that because it happened at my high school drama department’s haunted house. 

Do you make friends easily? No. I also don’t try to to be honest.

What makes you different from everyone else? DNA <<< Hahaha welp that most certainly does.

I give you a piece of paper. What do you draw/write on it? I’d do random doodles and write random words in cursive cause that’s what I do when I doodle.

What pictures or photos are up in your lounge? Is that like the living room? If so, we have a few framed photos on the shelves we have.

Do you like purple and white patterned things? Sure.

Do you know anyone called Pipa? No.

I say purple, you think… It’s my mom’s favorite color.

What do you think is the most interesting thing about you? Nothing.

Do you like being complimented or does it make you uncomfortable? They’re nice, I’m just super awkward.

Does the description of your starsign correspond with your personality? Nope. I’m so opposite of how a Leo is described.

Do you have a photo album? Yeah, several old photo albums (physical ones) and several on Facebook and my phone.

What artists paintings do you find the most beautiful? I don’t necessarily go for beauty in art. My favourite painters are Dali, Kandinsky, and Klimt. Weird over beauty for me. <<< That’s how I am. One of my favorites is The Scream by Edvard Munch. I like the melting clocks one by Dali, too.

What about the most disturbing? Hmm. There’s definitely paintings I’ve seen that I thought were disturbing, but of course I can’t think of a specific one at the moment.

Have you ever gone to a camp or summer school? I’ve been to two camps: science camp and Girl Scout camp. I also had to do summer school once in the 6th grade cause I missed a lot of school due to spending months in the hospital and at home after having surgery. I voluntarily took a few summer classes in college.

What was your favourite cartoon as a child? A lot of the stuff that was on Nickelodeon, Disney Channel, PBS, WB Kids, and Saturday morning cartoons on ABC.

What was your biggest fear as a child? Bugs.

Would you rather be able to fly or breathe underwater? Fly.

What about invisibility or mindreading? Invisibility.

Do you like what you see in the mirror? Nopeee.

Can you remember all your past teachers names? Not all of them, but a lot of them.

Do you like talent shows? Which ones? I enjoyed when we had talent show assemblies in elementary school. Those were fun.

Have you ever failed an important exam? In what? Yes, in math.

Do you find people taller than you intimidating? Just about everyone is taller than me.

Do you think you are better than people of a different country/background? Wow, absolutely not. I don’t think I’m better than anyone.

What’s your favourite thing about your country? We have our issues and I know other countries make fun of us, but we have a lot of good qualities and I like where I’m from.

Who is your favourite bzoinker? I don’t go on there.

What websites do you have bookmarked? The ones on the toolbar are Google, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, YouTube, Pinterest, and a couple PDFs from Bible studies.

Do you use bows and ribbons to decorate your gifts? Yeah. I love wrapping presents and making them look all nice and pretty.

Do you listen to the same type of music as your parents? What type is that? We like a lot of the same, yeah. Especially my mom and I.

What TV show scared you as a kid? Are You Afraid of the Dark haha but I also loved to watch it. That intro is what really got me. Oh, and Unsolved Mysteries. That was a show about real life mysteries and murders and such. 

Family Guy, The Simpsons or South Park? Why? Out of the three I’d pick Family Guy, but I’m not into any of them. My family loves Family Guy so I see parts of episodes here and there all the time and I’m familiar with it. Sometimes it’ll give me a little chuckle.

[love-little-lotte]

POTO Manila 2019 Experience

I crossed one thing off my bucket list last March 2, 2019. 

Finally, finally, finally. I finally got the chance to witness my all-time favorite musical, The Phantom of the Opera, live. Anyone who really knows me knows that I am totally in love with this show. 

I first learned about the existence of POTO when I was 10, when I first read an abridged version of the Gaston Leroux novel. Then I watched the 2004 film, starring Gerard Butler and Emmy Rossum. Ever since then, I fell in love with the musical. I listened to the Original London Cast, with Michael Crawford, Sarah Brightman, and Steve Barton. I watched the 25th anniversary, with Ramin Karimloo and Sierra Boggess. I streamed countless YouTube videos. I wrote down the lyrics, memorized them by heart, and sang along even though I couldn’t reach the high notes, not for the life of me. 

POTO became one of my passions, and (yes it sounds cheesy AF) also helped me become the person who I am today. It’s not my first musical (family friendly The Sound of Music is my first because my mom plays the Julie Andrews movie all the time), but it opened my obsession to musical theatre. Through POTO, I got to learn more about Broadway, theatre, and musicals. 

I have my brother to thank for this wonderful experience. This was meant to be a birthday and graduation present all rolled into one. And it’s actually the best present I’ve ever received. Not only did he pay for all of my expenses, he also accompanied me and took my pictures! Shoutout to him for making one of my major dreams come true.

This was taken on our way to the theatre. It was a one-show day, and the play was going to start at 2:30 PM. I heard from my friend (who already saw the previews) told me I should be there as early as possible so I can take a lot of pictures before most of the audience arrive. And since I want to take as many photos as I can, my brother and I left our hotel as early as 12 noon. 

I was so excited I even took a photo of the theatre while we were in the car. My heart was pounding the entire time. My head was reeling. I still couldn’t believe I was there. It felt like a dream I had before. And believe me when I say I dreamt a lot for this moment. 

When we got closer to the theatre, I saw a big poster just right outside. I gave out an excited squeal. “I got to take a picture of that!” I told my brother. 

And so I did. 

Before entering, we noticed there was some Phantom stuff just right outside by the entrance. Aside from the make-up closet (which is self-explanatory), I didn’t know what was inside of the rest of the boxes but I still took some photos nonetheless. I still had a lot of energy around this time. 

This was by the entrance: some posters of the musical productions that toured in Manila before. (From left to right: Chicago, Singin’ in the Rain, Les Misérables, Wicked, West Side Story, and The Sound of Music)

After entering the building, I saw this amazing backdrop and of course, immediately posed in front of it......

.....only to learn the words “The Phantom of the Opera” were cropped so I told my brother we had to go back so we can take a proper picture again. 

And there we go. 

We went to the second floor afterwards, which was where the theatre was located. And this was when the “taking of photos” spree began. 

Exhibit A: Mask, roses, and candelabras. Yep, that’s the whole show right there. 

I’m kind of bummed that they didn’t really have a photoshoot for the World Tour. I mean it’s nice to see Kelly Matheison from the West End cast because she’s adorable and gorgeous, but I would love to see some Meghan Picerno HD posters too. 

Don’t mind me, I’m just posing here with the POTO posters. 

Exhibit B: Ah love this shiny, sparkly mask. Yes, the pic is sadly a bit blurry. 

Exhibit C: My brother told me to go sit down on the floor and pretend to be Christine, but there was no way I’m doing that with that dress. I wanted to put on the cloak and the mask, but decided I should go with the rose instead. 

Exhibit D: “Look at yourself in the mirror, I am there inside!” This is my favorite picture, which also refers to my favorite part in the musical. 

Exhibit E: Yeah at this point I was running out of poses. Standing and smiling at the camera was getting boring. 

Oh, and would you look at this! A production of Cats in November 2019, starring Joanna Ampil! Isn’t that amazing? She’s one of my favorite theatre actresses and I would kill to see her sing Memory live.

Anyway, what’s up with the Philippines and Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals?

Yeah, what is up with Andrew Lloyd Webber and the Philippines? We just can’t get enough of it. I’d definitely want to watch Love Never Dies when it comes to Manila, even though I’m not such a big fan of the story. The music is brilliant, as well as the sets and costumes. Can we please have Meghan Picerno as Christine Daaé in this production once again? (And maybe throw in Jonathan Roxmouth, too, cause people love him so much here.)

At this point, my brother already left me. He went back to the hotel while I sat on one of the couches, waiting for the theatre to let the audience in. I took a selfie with the brochure. I thought we were all given a program for free, but it turns out you still have to buy them in the gift shop. 

Yay! I’m finally inside. I was in the second row, which was very thrilling, especially since the chandelier was really close to me. I couldn’t wait for it to fall down at the end of Act 1!

Sadly, this is the only picture I had inside the theatre. I was so busy taking it all in that I forgot to take a selfie or something. I still couldn’t believe I was there.

I cried as soon as the overture began to play. There are three possible reasons why I did so: one, I can’t believe I’m really here; two, the music was so beautiful, and three, the light from the chandelier made my eyes hurt lol. But, whatever the reason was, I assure you, there were some tears.

My first genuine cry was during The Mirror scene, when the Phantom showed himself in the mirror. It’s just a super iconic scene, and truly one of my favorites.

But the major highlight for me was Masquerade. Sure, I was expecting myself to cry during All I Ask of You (Reprise) or the Final Lair, but Masquerade overwhelmed me. The costumes were amazing up close! I’ve mentioned a lot of times before that POTO costumes are my favorite things ever. The intricately-designed Elissa dress, the fan-favorite Wishing dress, the iconic white robe, and of course, my personal favorite Aminta dress.

But the costumes during Masquerade was the highlight. I didn’t know where to look because I want to take it all in! The ensemble were great, too, and there was just a big fat stupid grin on my face the whole time.

You know, live theatre isn’t that perfect. I can hear the whirring of the machines as they change the backdrop and their heels clicking loudly onstage. I see them spit at each other’s faces. But damn it, it was beautiful. It’s raw and real, which is what theatre is all about. 

Sorry for the bad angle haha. This was the cast I saw my first POTO production and I’m eternally grateful at them for giving me a performance to remember. I was just so excited to see that I’m going to watch Jonathan Roxmouth and Meghan Picerno! I’ve seen a lot of videos of them rehearsing, and they both sounded heavenly. I was grinning from ear-to-ear.

Jonathan Roxmouth didn’t fail me. His voice was soft and angelic, and he truly embodied the Angel of Music. I got chills during The Mirror scene, as soon as he sang the words, “Insolent boy!” His Music of the Night was a spectacle, and his height difference with Meghan Picerno also helped. I don’t know why, but I really love it when the Phantom’s a great taller than Christine. Meghan only reached Jonathan’s chest, so their iconic “hug” scene during MoTN looked really good. He also glanced at me during All I Ask of You (Reprise) as he sang the words, “You will curse the day you did not do, all that the Phantom asked of you!” So that truly “made my night.”

Jonathan also scared the crap out of me during the Final Lair. He was truly menacing and just plain scary. I love scary Phantoms, and he definitely delivered! When he said the line, “You try my patience! Make your choice”, he put his face really close to Meghan, and I could definitely see him seethe angrily at her.

But he gained my sympathy in the last part when he started singing Masquerade to the music box. At that point, I was crying my eyes out already. I hope the people in my row didn’t judge me too harshly! No matter how many times I’ve seen POTO, I always cry during the Masquerade reprise.

On a side note, Jonathan’s really adorable in the curtain call. He made a Korean heart sign just after he bowed. Korean culture is really popular in the Philippines for some reason, and he earned a lot of laughs and claps from the audience when he did so.

Meghan Picerno, on the other hand, was the sweetest and sympathetic Christine ever. Okay, that’s a bit of a stretch since she’s the first Christine I saw live, and I’m a bit biased. Her crystal-clear vocals also didn’t fail. I’ve seen videos of her in Love Never Dies, and she was amazing there. Her Think of Me was just so pure, and her Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again made me teary eyed.

Meghan carried herself well. Not only was she a darling and innocent Christine, but she was also a fierce one too. During the Final Lair, when she said the words, “This haunted face holds no horror for me now, it’s in your soul that the true distortion lies”, her expression was not scared or anything. I just love that she could project a lot of emotions from Christine, and not only stick to one.

She also shared good chemistry with Jonathan Roxmouth, especially during The Point of No Return. The sexual tension between the Phantom and Christine was undeniable. The way they touched each other, even caressed each other in that scene was so, so, so good. It’s definitely one of the main highlights of the show for me.

And, of course, Matt Leisy was a darling Raoul. Just like his co-stars, his vocals were heavenly. His All I Ask of You is plain sweet. The way he hugged and twirled Christine at the end part of the song was also a major highlight for me. Also, he was very attentive to Christine, and he was protective of her - some important qualities that Raoul should have. In the Il Muto scene, when Christine started getting nervous that the Phantom was watching over her, I can’t help looking at Matt because he was so undeniably concerned and protective of her. And during Twisted Every Way, he was demanding, but at the same time, very considering.

Matt also worked well alongside Meghan. They balance well with each other. As a matter of fact, the three of them are great together. It’s obvious that they’re comfortable with each other onstage. The Final Lair was so thrilling, and it’s all thanks to them. I’m so happy that they get to be my first POTO Big 3.

Overall, the ensemble was great! I love them so much, and I’m extremely honored that I had them as my first ever POTO cast.

Also, bought two souvenirs from the gift shop! A really cute necklace (which costs 1,500 PHP/28.75 USD) and a tote bag (800 PHP/15.33 USD). I wanted to buy the charm bracelet, too, but I feel like I’m going to have more fun with the necklace, compared to it. 

And there you have it! This was an extremely long post, but I want to immortalize my first POTO experience. I’m still in cloud nine, even though it has been almost three days now. It’s truly an experience I will never forget.

[the-girl-who-sang]

October 26, 27 & 29th  of 2019: The Day that the Show was on Earth and the Spectators were the Stars in the Sky

October 26, 27 & 29th of 2019: The Day that the Show was on Earth and the Spectators were the Stars in the Sky

Start this message may be complicated, cause I feel my heart already hurting in yearning, but the memories that we created were so bigger and brighter than my small sadness, that I couldn't let this pass...

So here I'm writing you this words, that try to contemplate all the immensity of my truly love and appreciation for you, in the purest and uninterested way... 

Leaving from beginning, I feel like I have a beautiful story to tell. 

When the Love Yourself Tour where announced, I felt an indescribable euphoria. I thought that finally, I would be able to accomplish my biggest dream: go to your show and, make of this show, the first show of my life! But, unfortunately, there were no dates for Brazil.

But life is a surprise-box and, when you least expect it, something wonderful happens, something unexpected and so amazing, that you feel your breath fade and your smile taste like salt. And that was what happened for me. 

Few time later, new dates where announced and, what was my surprise, when I saw that my country, that Brazil were in middle of them! The joy and the emotion ran through my veins! Everything was perfect! That was a sign... A sign that I would have my chance.

But things wouldn't be that easy...

Between all that happiness and excitement, a harsh reality hit me hard: don't matter how much I wanted go to that show, I wouldn't be able. I don't had the money to do this! 

My dream, that for some moments were the sweetest and were so close of the touch of my fingers, like in a blink of an eye, disappeared, right in front of me, leaving behind, a bitter and suffocating taste.

So I cried... I cried because it hurted. So much. So much, that it doesn't fit into words. Was my dream, the thing I most wanted, the gift I wanted for my birthday right there, so close, but so far away...

I talked with my family and, even with all the problems, even with all the difficulties, frustrations and conflicts, they told me to try. And I tried... Putted on all my faith and wish, but wasn't enough. No, I couldn't. The defeat came mercilessly, got down like acid, and again I found myself alone, without friends, without joy, without hope...

This year, like the last two years, have been very difficult, I suffered pitiful losses, and my heart couldn't stand no more patches. I was broken and my only hope of joy had been torn from me.

Back to the beginning, I was... Destroyed, destroyed, exhausted. I could only accept the fact that, once again, I could not realize my dream. And that was, in fact, my last chance and so I had lost everything.

But... Do you know the expression that says 'miracles are real'? So, let me tell you a secret: this is true. And I can confirm, cause I received a miracle. 

Missing only 4 days, for the 1º show of the Love Yourself - Speak Yourself Tour in Brazil, just like a miracle, I finally received the bless of can get my tickets. It were necessary some minutes for I can realize that it were really happening. Then I cried and laughed, jumped, screamed, and thanked... I thanked that because it was undoubtedly the best birthday present I could ever want! 

I would really go to the BTS show with my mom! My dream was real! And in that moment of excitement and euphoria, I could only remember the words that a kind and sweet friend said, in a very hard moment...

The impossible is possible. And he was right.

May 25th of 2019 were the best day of my life. 

I never imagined my heart could overflow that way. It was so much love, so much emotion, so much affection, care and feeling. I never imagined that my soul could transcend my body, surpass all the limits of the possible and the impossible, only to unite with infinity in the fullness of that moment.

What I felt that night will never leave me. It's carved in my bones, drawn in my memories, painted in my eyes, overflowed through my blood, sweat and tears. I will never forget that day, and that day will never fade from me.

Never, in all my life, to feel so full and complete. As if I be in that place, beside my mother and so many unknown souls, before you, was my destine, my true place in this world.

After that day, a lot changed... Inside me. Chaos went on outside, but every time he tried to destabilize or hurt me, the memories of those moments of pure joy, the voices, the smiles, the kind words came just like spotlights, driving the darkness away, rescuing me from evil. And once again, I felt safe.

You became my home, my safe place, my point of peace. And no word  in the world can express the meaning of this. 

Time passed...

And here we are. Many things happened, problems, difficult situations, uncertainties and insecurities; it's being one year & two months since the beginning of this journey... And what a journey! So full of teachings and learning.

In all this time, we have being strong... We fight daily with our demons, fears, insecurities. And we won. Every single day. Together, as always.

I think that, you feel the same that me, but I need to express it out loud.

This era, the Map of the Soul - Persona - and equally your forerunner, Love Yourself, have a very deep and important meaning to me. Since you started this campaign of self love, I felt like it was a call to my awareness, a stimulus to make me see things I didn't want. Know, I've always had self-esteem issues, I could never find myself beautiful or interesting, and I got used to people reaffirming my insecurities. It turns out that after so long, the marks surfaced and scars began to appear, many of them. Emotional and psychological.

I tried to avoid them, forget them for too long, until I reached a point where there was no escape. I had nowhere to run and was already tired of feeling so small, inferior, unworthy of all that is good or beautiful.

Thanks to you guys, I decided to change... Or at least give it a try. I decided try to look at myself with other eyes, try to appreciate my qualities and give more value to my skills and talents. And I have been following this journey. It is not always easy. There are days when I look in the mirror and feel so ashamed of the reflection that looks at me, I just want to cry and hide, but I remain strong. I don't hurt the body in which habit anymore - or at least I try - with bad words or thoughts.

I'm getting a little better every day. And all this, thanks to you. Whenever I think of something bad about myself, I try to imagine their faces, their soft voices saying sweet words to me, reminding me that my life matters and that I have value.

And so I have been following, one day at a time. And if one day is too much, one hour, or one minute, or one second at a time... Taking a deep breath and doing my best to make my dreams come true. And I will make it! I know I will... And you will still be very proud of me!

But how we know, nothing last forever...

October 26th arrived, I felt something different. I shivered and was afraid, because I knew what it was, but I tried to send to the ends of reason, the real motive for that little pain in my chest. Sometimes, the truth is painful.

October 27th also arrived and one more time, I felt the sensation of lost embracing me, like a cold hug of goodbye. Then, I felt sad, but tried to keep my mind positive.

But when irrevocably, the October 29th came, something stranger happened. My mind understood it before my heart do. The second, bubbling in an explosive mixture of longing, sadness and gratitude, finally fell silent at the insistent whisper of truth: the end has come... And this is a true I don't wanted to face. But we need...

Thinking now, after cry a lot, seeing fancams, photos, videos and messages, I understand the meaning of all of this. It's all about love. Your love, our love. It's all about give love, live love, share love. In the end, it's not about awards, charts or profits. This is nice, but isn't everything. What really matters, is what we give and gain free, from the bottom of our souls.

All the things we lived together, through all those months, teached me that life is prettier then we think, and all we need is honesty, humility and love. A truly & honest love.

And all this story brings me till here, till the last page of this journey that, in fact, is so far away of the end. Yes, this isn't the end. It's just the beginning! An incredible new beginning, full of new emotions & magical memories!

Today, October 29th of 2019, marks the day we surpassed the limits of what is impossible and what isn't. Today, we made the stars as the the spectators of our show of love, respect and support. In this night, the lights were on earth and the audience, in the universe, appreciating the masterpiece of our love.

Now, we will begin a new journey together. New plans will come, new dreams, new songs, memories, colours and learnings. We will grow up even more. Together, as always.

Cause we're made of love... And love last forever!

I wanted to thank you all for everything. Thank you for all your hard works, passion, dedication and devotion. Thank you for be so strong. Thank you for never give up. Thank you for keep your mind and feelings safe. Thank you for be my peace. Thank you for give me hope.

I'll love you forever... And beyond the forever!

Tomorrow, will be a new day. When you open your eyes, remember what I’ll say: you’ll never be alone, we will always love & support who you are inside, don’t matter what happen. And most important of all: remember that I love you, and I'll always be here, for you and with you!

Can't wait to see you all again, shining brighter then the stars, in the sky, cause you're my galaxy and together, we make the universe, a sigh of eternity!

Forever by your side...

Yasmin de Carvalho - Brazil. 29/10/2019, 23:59hs. 

[volleydorkscentral]

ANSWER ALL OF THE QUESTIONS IN THE UNUSUAL ASK GAME, YOU COWARD.

First of all: 

Second, questions under the cut: 

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? - Spotify! all the way. i hoarse my bf’s account so he can never listen but i don’t care it’s mine now it’s full of my music and my playlists and whenever i’m listening to it and it suddenly changes cause he tries to use it on his phone I call him, “are you using spotify?” “oh. i mean i can listen to something else?” “cool, thanks!” and i get my music back. :D

is your room messy or clean? - it’s somewhere in between. my actual ROOM (bed room, i assume) is pretty clean, except i never make the bed. but the house is .. a work in progress. it’s not dirty but it’s cluttered so my bf and I are having to work together to clear that and build shelves and stuff for more storage space.

what color are your eyes? - dark brown! (with little green flecks when I cry)

do you like your name? why? - Not really? i don’t hate it. My mom wanted to name me Savannah but they had her sign the certificate while she was still drugged from her c-section so it ended up as Crystal?? Idk. She named her dolls Crystal when she was a kid.

what is your relationship status? - dating for almost six years. 

how many times a week do you shower? uhhh idk. I don’t shower every day (unless i get gross). AT LEAST four times… but I don’t wash my hair every time cause that’s bad for my hair. I SHOWER WHEN I AM DIRTY.

favorite tv show? does Haikyuu!! count? that’s probably a given. HM. Well, we don’t have cable so I don’t watch a lot of NEW shows? …. OH. Duh. Fuckin me I’m a dumbass. Bob’s Burgers. I literally have it on ALL THE TIME. I don’t like silence so it’s ALWAYS on in the background if i’m not listening to music. I’ve seen every episode a zillion times. I can usually pinpoint every scene and the major lines/jokes.

shoe size? most brands it’s 5 1/2 

how tall are you? SHORTER THAN NISHINOYA BUT TALLER THAN YACHI. I’m like… 5ft-5’1 depending on how much my back hurts. (i used that earlier and someone said it was funny and i’m trash so i’ll repeat it here!)

sandals or sneakers? i wear Bobs LOL. (knock off toms) and i’ve got one pair of sneakers and sometimes I wear my ballet flats around even though my bf says they look dumb fuck u they’re comfy.

do you go to the gym? No. I used to, but where I live now it’d be like a 45 min drive. I don’t really LIKE gyms though? working out is boring to me. No matter how hard I try. I’d love to start dancing again for real.

describe your dream date - April 25th because it’s not too cold and not too hot. Okay but jk that’s a lie where I live it’s balls hot in april. Idk. I’d like to go hiking when it’s not very hot? Take my dog, let her run around. Take a picnic. Sit in a grassy field and talk about dumb shit cause we know each other’s dreams and hopes by now.

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? UHM. fuck like…. $27? i know there’s a twenty and a handful of ones. And a handful of change.

what color socks are you wearing? - NONE. MY FEET ARE COLD. FOREVER COLD.

how many pillows do you sleep with? - pft like 6.

do you have a job? what do you do? - No; I quit after being over worked, under appreciated, cheated out of my paychecks a few times, and no job still due to lingering health issues.

how many friends do you have? answered this already!

whats the worst thing you have ever done? - UHM. Idk i haven’t murdered anyone. I don’t like this question cause if i really try to answer it i’ll spiral into a frustrated, furious depression and self-hatred so… NOPE.

whats your favorite candle scent? i’ve got this candle i got from etsy that’s like… Scottish Highlands? It’s grassy and kinda MAGICY.

3 favorite boy names - i don’t really have favorite names?

3 favorite girl names - answered already

favorite actor? god idk. i’m so bad with names and celebrities. uhm. I really like don’t have a favorite. I LIKE a bunch. Benedict Cumberbatch; Freddie Highmore… uhm. uh. Hugh Laurie? 

favorite actress? IDK OKAY?? I LIKE a bunch but i don’t favorite?? I really like Gwendoline Christie. Uhm. Anne Hathaway makes me laugh. MAGGIE SMITH. how could i forget!??!

who is your celebrity crush? I LEGIT don’t have one.

favorite movie? CLUE takes the top spot most days.

do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? I used to read a lot more. The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt

money or brains?  personality, bitch.

do you have a nickname? what is it? not *really* but people online used to call me Chrys. My bf calls me ‘sweetie’ sometimes but he also calls the dog that so… ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

how many times have you been to the hospital? - uhm. like the er? Once when I broke my arm. Doc in the box? Not since 2017.

top 10 favorite songs - PFT. Uhm. Jesus just let me die a little. Excluding all Disney; Not in any order:

No One - Biometrix

Danser - Lisandro Cuxi

A Single Moment of Sincerity (E) - Asking Alexandria (the band I was listening to when I designed my rockstar MC that I love so much)

The Annabel Trilogy (a series of 3 albums) - Alesana. Can’t pick a single song because they’re all a part of a huge story. Listen to them.

Chucky vs. The Giant Tortoise - Dance Gavin Dance

Anticoagulant - Sianvar

Ohioisonfire - Of Mice & Men

Coincidance - Handsome Dancer (Watch the Video for the love of god. THANKS ASH FOR THIS GEM)

Devil’s Backbone - The Civil Wars

Still Here - Digital Daggers (i’ve been listening it to a lot for inspiration for a new AU so… yup. That’s gonna be fun and painful)

do you take any medications daily? - yup

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) - i got dry ass skin it sucks

what is your biggest fear? - uhm… physical fear? idk. Heights is a big one that I developed? I used to not care but a while ago I was walking on a bridge and I just… looked over and got FUCKING DIZZZY with nausea and fear that I was gonna fall and almost fainted. 

how many kids do you want? - HONESTLY… one or two.

whats your go to hair style? - tried to brush but gave up so just threw it in a claw clip

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) - moderate? one story, four bedrooms. big ass yard though for the dog

who is your role model? - I don’t really have one.

what was the last compliment you received? - answered already

what was the last text you sent? - actual TEXT message? ‘as long as there’s someone with her overnight she’ll be okay during the day cause of the dog door and stuff. just play with her before you go to work and maybe hide some treats around the house for her to hunt for’ - texting my friend that’s gonna house sit while we go on a family vacation soon.

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? - UH idk the age? i know I saw my mom writing scavenger cards though. My fam has never had a lot of money so to make Christmas more interesting my mom/grandparents (we lived with them till I was in 3rd grade) would make these elaborate scavenger hunts for me and my cousins to do to find our presents around the house or out in the barn or, on one memorable occasion, at the bottom of our pool! Good memories. 

what is your dream car? - one that RUNS and has badass AC and speakers

opinion on smoking? - hate it. please don’t do it around me. my bf’s family alllllll smoke all the time and i get so sick when i have to go on vacation with them and be around it for a long time. 

do you go to college? - i DID. I went to Culinary school and majored in Baking & Pastry

what is your dream job? - Author or Dog Trainer

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? - rural as all hell. give me trees, cows, and horses. 

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? Not usually? but usually the people i’m with do. 

do you have freckles? Not on my face (except one) but i’ve got more like… on my arms and just randomly all over but i dont think ‘freckles’ would be what anyone thinks of when they think of me

do you smile for pictures? - only if i’m forced to be in them

how many pictures do you have on your phone?  - HAHAHAHAHAHA. Well. Before I got my new phone it was over 10k. Now though its only about 2k. 

have you ever peed in the woods? - Only when I was camping. 

do you still watch cartoons? - ALL THE GODDAMN TIME

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? - neither. but i HATE WENDYS and can tolerate McD’s fries and they’ve got ballin’ sweet tea so I guess McD.

Favorite dipping sauce? this honey dijon creamy thing at my favorite French restaurant but idk what is is.

what do you wear to bed? - t-shirt 

have you ever won a spelling bee? - YUP. 2nd grade.  

what are your hobbies? - writing, crocheting, photography, reading, uh… i forget what else

can you draw? when i was doing it all the time i did ok? but i’m WAY TOO IMPATIENT now a days to do it. 

do you play an instrument? - no but i wish i did :(

what was the last concert you saw? - i’ve never been to a concert. crowds are icky

tea or coffee? - tea!

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? - already answered this

do you want to get married? - Yes pls

what is your crush’s first and last initial? - (bf, but I suppose i still have a crush on him? is love considered a crush?) J. Y. 

are you going to change your last name when you get married? god yes. my current last name is my shitbag of a sperm doner and i hate it. my mom kept it after they divorced only cause she thought her maiden name would be too hard for me to spell but i would give anything to have that name instead

what color looks best on you? - idk. i prefer black but i’ve been told green and certain shades of pink/yellow. 

do you miss anyone right now? - not until i thought about it, thanks

do you sleep with your door open or closed? open so my pupper can go in and out

do you believe in ghosts? not until i’m faced with darkness and creepy things 

what is your biggest pet peeve? people chewing their food loud. people not picking up after themselves. people interrupting me (but not in the excited, OMG way. that we can work though) but in the ‘i don’t care what you’re saying i’m going to talk now’ way

last person you called` - my bf to discuss plans for his brother’s bday

favorite ice cream flavor? cookies n’ cream!

regular oreos or golden oreos? DOUBLE STUFF OF EITHER

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? FUCK SPRINKLES

what shirt are you wearing? a shirt that has my dog’s face on it :D

what is your phone background? - the art that Ash drew of Bokuto from my fic Just a Taste!!

are you outgoing or shy? - i hate talking to strangers but with my friends i’m pretty fucking loud and chatty

do you like it when people play with your hair? only people i know

do you like your neighbors? nope. he’s an asshole who neglected his dog and i wanna skin him alive

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? i do my best to remember to do it at night but i always do it when i shower

have you ever been high? yup. 

have you ever been drunk? yup

last thing you ate? BIRTHDAY CAKE

favorite lyrics right now - idk? i guess the first lyrics that came to mind, even though they’re not my favorite, just ones that i like and were stuck in my head for a while: “All of the handsome fiction / will melt away / and when the flame burns brighter / Evaporate” Evaporate - Dance Gavin Dance

summer or winter?  WINTER FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. IT’S SO FUCKING HOT IN SUMMER I DIE EVERY DAY

day or night? both have their merits

dark, milk, or white chocolate? - all chocolate but i prefer white to just EAT. 

favorite month? uhm. uhh. November maybe? for NaNoWriMo. 

what is your zodiac sign - pftt.. i think i used to be a Gemini? i don’t believe in all that stuff 

who was the last person you cried in front of? - ….. my dog? but probably my mom and Grandmother when my GM basically said my bf didn’t love me and was a shit human being and i was a shit granddaughter for loving him. i was both upset and furious and i walked away from them. (my mom called and apologized, but i haven’t spoken to my GM since)

THERE ASH ARE YOU GODDAMN HAPPY. that took so long LOL (I hope the formatting came through I had to redo it on this tumblr page UGH)

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

Tomorrow I am going to fly home. There was nobody here today. A was busy. I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t do anything. I had wanted to go buy presents but there is no space left in my suitcase. I mean…space yes…but the weight is already on limit. I finished packing my suitcase. I called my mom. We didn’t get along. She said we’d probably be annoyed when we lived together again because she and dad had had their own life for the time I was gone and so did I. She made some hurtful comments. I don’t want to go back. I’m looking forward to seeing A on New Years but until I see her, I have to be at home for 7 days. Also..I won’t have a room in the student allocations because they don’t want to pay for it if I only stay 3 months and have a 4 week interruption for my interneship, where I’ll live at home. This means I will live with them until September 2019. Have a 2 hour car drive every morning, which makes 4 hours of car every day. There are no buses. The parking is expensive. So is the gas. But anyway. I understand their point. A room is expensive. I just don’t know if all the gaz and parking I’m gonna pay won’t be the equivalent of the rent costs. My parents and I, especially my mom and I…we don’t work out anymore (my dad and me never really did). I love them. But I need my distance. My mom judging what I eat, what I do, when I’m on the phone, when I read or watch TV or who I talk to, is simply something I can’t take anymore. It was good here. I was alone. My mental health was the same degree of fucked up than it is at home. But at least I was out of the closet. At home, not even my close(s)t friends know (ha ha ha got the pun?). Charlie..I don’t want this life anymore. I don’t want to be different. All I even wanted was to fit in but somehow I never did. Oh well, and me meeting James was…weird. I was mad because my flatmates had promised me to clean their mess before leaving. But..surprise..they didn’t. So I was a little late. 3 minutes. But still. He had been waiting. We went upstairs of this café and had our tea. It was awkward. I tried to keep the conversation going and whenever I didn’t, he started looking at me with THAT look. I told him about A. I mentioned her 4 times. But that didn’t seem to bother him much. Maybe because I said “ma copine” and not “ma blonde” like they call girlfriends here. He might have thought of her as “a friend” not “the girlfriend”. After an hour I said I had to go home and clean. So I did. We said bye. It was weird. He wanted to hug me but didn’t dare so I just turned around and went away. I got home. And he texted me saying that if I was too annoyed by the cleaning, he could come and help. I didn’t open the message and after I was done cleaning, I told him that I was done now, “but thanks”. Then I went to sleep. At 1 in the morning he texted me this long ass message where he basically said that if I need help or “something” on Sunday (tomorrow), I could tell him. And if I wanted “one last dance” he could also come. And you know what? I was sad that nobody cared about me staying here alone or bothered to really say by… So..I said yes. Now tomorrow, you see, he’ll come help me with the luggage in the staircase and maybe offer one last dance. I’m greatful. He could have become a good friend if I’d met him earlier. Sad actually. I’m so numb. I feel like crying but I don’t know why. I’m not sad or happy. I’m just nothing. Numb and very very VERY cynical. I just don’t want to…exist anymore, you know? So on 24th we usually see my grandma (it’s her birthday) and the rest of my mom’s family. Now..the family is weird. My obese aunt doesn’t work because of “health issues” (which basically means because she’s overweight and always says she’s ill even though she isn’t.) My cousin: one year younger than me. Quit school. Never worked. Doesn’t find(want) an apprenticeship. Weird girlfriend. My other cousin: 24 (I think): quit school. Works approximately once a year for 2 weeks and either leaves the job or is fired. Weird girlfriend. They broke up. Now: girlfriend. Who has a kid AND is pregnant again (not from my cousin). And then my other cousin 27 (I think?). She’s okay. She and her husband never stay long on Christmas dinner (because they have to see her husband’s family too, aka, because they enjoy those meetings as much as I do, which is zero). All of them.. are envious about my “success” and the fact that we have more money than them (because my parents actually work and don’t live on the government’s expenses) (they are so envious that we open our presents at home and never take them to open them with the rest of the family. And then we say that we didn’t get each other presents this year. Since we started doing that, things are much easier). Last Christmas (🎵 I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away 🎵 , sorry, I tried to cheer myself up with Christmas music today, didn’t work. Anyway. Last Christmas,) my 24 year old cousin said I “had it easy”. That I “didn’t do shit but still had good grades”. I said I’d “worked my ass off” to get a diploma, to make it through the tough test to enter university and that, so far, I hadn’t had any time off since the beginning of the year and that whereas he would go home the day after that day and do nothing, I’d go home to my books and study for my exams. He said, “anyway, uni is easy. You don’t need to brag about it” (which I did not. I’d just listed a fact because he’d pissed me off. But then I did brag). I said, “well, you know what? At least I worked hard, and at least, I GO to uni.” Pretty needless to say that you could cut through the tension in the room and that we left as soon as dinner was over. Okay..so then there is my grandma. I love her. She halfway raised me. But she changed so much that I don’t recognise her anymore. She is under the influence of my aunt (who basically spends every day there and uses my grandma) and it doesn’t do her any good. My aunt met this guy and had my cousin. Then she had my other cousin. With the same guy. They split. She was pregnant. She met another guy. She claimed my third cousin was from him. The only person in the family to actually NOT know who his dad is, is my cousin himself. Anyway. They split. Now this year, my aunt met a really weird guy my mom knows from childhood. They are “so in love”, and……..are gonna marry. In summer. After knowing each other for like 9 months? Yea..sorry for degrading them. I’m just listing facts. I wished you could hear the way this letter sounds in my head. Emotionless, quick paced, sarcastic, cynical and with a lot of emphasis on some words. Words that I’d write in cursive but I don’t know how to do thaz, so I write some of them in capitals. On 24th I’ll land at midday. My mom told my grandma I’d be tired and we wouldn’t come. So Christmas-tradition adios. Am I sad? Not really? It’s just weird to not spend it with them. But I don’t really care. So whatever. 25th? We never really do anything. Usually on 26th we see my dad’s grandparents (why not on 25th aka on ACTUAL Christmas? Well because my grandma wants to give us “a day to digest the food from 24th”). Now..one of my dad’s brothers died from an overdose. The other one, a junkie, lives on the street. I don’t know either of them. They have kids. The dead one probably has kids all over the country. Apparently he was a real rabbit when it came to women. And like a rabbit, he didn’t protect himself the way he should have. The difference between my “uncle” and a rabbit is that a rabbit doesn’t do drugs and doesn’t know protection exists (well actually there are no rabbit condoms, so he can’t know about the existence of something that doesn’t actually exist. His owners will castrate the rabbit if they don’t want any more rabbits. I don’t think my uncle would have let anybody castrate him. So that’s that.) The other “uncle” has a kid who has a kid and no boyfriend. She never talked to my grandparents. Not once. Except for last year, when this kid (actually woman) appeared out of nothing and asked my granny for money, who didn’t give it to her. Now..my granny, you see, always says dad is her only child and I am their only grandchild. Which sad but I get her reasoning. My family is fucked up. I don’t know how my parents turned out so well. They are educated. They graduated. My mom went to uni and my dad went through many exams so that he basically also has a degree. They work. They have me. I’m not a bad child. I always studied. My grades were good. I never got into trouble (if you don’t count that one time where I wanted to buy juice and I put into my pocket until we went to paye but unfortunately forgot to take it out of my pocket and actually pay it, found out at home and made my mom drive all the way back to the store because I couldn’t live witht the thought of having stolen something, even if it was by accident. I was 4). I go to university. I speak 5 languages. I’ve got my shit together…if it weren’t for the mental illness that nobody knows about. It’s funny though. My dad’s mom and my dad have depression. Last time on the phone, I was tired of always hiding how I feel so I just didn’t hide it and was openly lethargic. And… my mom said “now stop it. You sound like your grandmother”. Great. She doesn’t get the link. Anyway…it’s not as if it mattered. As if this time of the year wasn’t already bad enough, this afternoon I wanted to order sushi but they didn’t accept my card. Then I wanted to order chinese but they didn’t deliver. So I went for take out. But the shop was closed. Then walked though snow to have lunch which wasn’t exactly the definition of delicious (all of that because my flatmates didn’t leave me any food when they left and I didn’t want to buy a whol package of something because it would be a waste). The… I realised that I’d give the driver of the bus who’s coming to pick me up, my old phone number (I don’t know why). So I was waiting for a confirmation of the schedule for when he’d come to pick me up when I realised he didn’t have any means to reach me because I’d accidentally given him the wrong number. So I contacted the headquarters and tried to fix the problem. It worked. I now know my driver will be there at 12:30. Great. I’m just really realy really cynical today. I’m sorry.. I’m also sorry that this letter was a mess and that now you know far too much about my family. But well…why not? Right? Anway. Have a nice Christmas Love always, Lena. 22.12.2018, 19:59 P.S. have you ever seen the movie “it’s kind of a funny story”? If yes, you can imagine the tone of this letter being similar to the narration of the movie in the first half.

[mvssmallow]

Cloudy With A Chance

Chapter 30 Part I: …of commotio cordis

Masterlist

December 25th. Christmas

It wasn’t the worst Christmas he’s ever had. His parents still throw their annual dinner and even though Jiwon wasn’t there (a mutual decision), it was good to see the rest of his extended family again. His sister loved the spikey backpack that Jiwon brought back from Japan. They give his parents a huge new potted magnolia tree to replace the small one that fell over and Jiwon brought back a Sumi-E painting for their wall. He gets an expensive leather work bag and as much as he wants to reject expensive material things, he does kinda like it.

He fields questions about his apparent single life but aside from a few warning looks from his parents that still pissed him off and made him want to start an argument, he doesn’t say anything controversial. There’s a time and place for everything and it’d be selfish to ruin Christmas for everyone else.

They find him later, just before he’s about to go home, and press something in his hand. It’s a voucher for one of those astronomy trips where you hike up the hills to the planetarium and get to look at space through the gigantic telescopes. He finds another voucher in the envelope. Two vouchers. He doesn’t really know what to say and neither do they. But it’s something. It’s definitely something.

They drive by June and Yun’s apartment in between all their family engagements for a few drinks and to exchange presents. They get June a new series of Rorschach ink blot paintings for his shop and one of the new Hermés perfumes for Yun. Jiwon gets another new shirt (black this time) and another lecture from Yun about looking more presentable, although there was so much fondness in his voice that it shouldn’t even qualify as a lecture. He blushes red when he opens his box to reveal new bedsheets. Actually, they are just newer versions of the same sheets he and Jiwon have now, he just loves them so much he was planning to use them until they disintegrated. They wash and use the new sheets that night, snuggled in bed, watching Love, Actually for the 20th time. He falls asleep to ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’.

He discovers very quickly that there’s no rest for the wicked when you have two sets of families (three, if he counts June and Yun). They go to church with Jiwon’s family the next day and he meets the rest of the relatives over lunch. They don’t introduce him with any kind of title but he thinks everyone knows anyway. If there was a problem, nobody says anything and soon enough it’s all forgotten anyway when Juin and Jinah announce that they’re pregnant. It’s met with cheers so loud that he’s actually taken aback for a second. But Jiwon’s hand is there to catch him, as always, fingers pressing firmly and reassuringly against his hip when no-one is looking. They give Jiwon’s mom the new mixer she wanted and when Jiwon’s dad sees the purple orchids (from Jiyoon’s shop), he gets a hug that half chokes him. Jiwon get new Nikes and a blue coat from one of those trendy street-brands that he’s barely heard of. They give him a perfectly manicured potted bonsai for his desk at work. He loves it.

Then they eat. They eat for what seems like hours and at 6pm, when the extended family have all gone home, Jiwon’s mom announces it’s time for the traditional “Kim Family Supper.”

“But we literally just ate.” He asks Jiwon, confused as ever. “We’ve been eating all day. With like, all the Kims in your family.”

“Just go with it.” Jiwon whispers back. “It’s family tradition and you’re pretty much family now so suck it up and eat when she tells you to.”

He does. Or tries to.

It’s 11pm by the time they get home- drunk, tired, a little in love with everything because it’s Christmas. He just wants to sleep but even though his body is tired, his mind is still awake.

“Hey, babe?” Jiwon asks.

“Yeah?”

“You know how you said we were only allowed to spend 20 bucks on each other’s presents?”

“Yeah.”

“Well.....um, I didn’t do that.” Jiwon says with an entirely unapologetic shrug.

“Knew it.”

“Well, 20 bucks is like...a small amount of money for a present okay!?” Jiwon exclaims indignantly. “Anyway, can I give it to you now?”

“Yeah okay.” He says with a smile. “Let’s see this million dollar present.”

They sit up in bed and Jiwon hands him a red box with something wrapped in several layers of tissue paper. It’s a heavy leather bound notebook with thick parchment paper, each page slightly different to the one before it. It looks like it was made with a lot of care. No way in hell this was 20 bucks. 

“It’s....so beautiful. Where did you even get this?” He asks, fingers running over the smooth black leather cover.

“Osaka.” Jiwon replies. “I found this old man who hand makes them by recycling old novels from the state library that are too worn out to be read. You never know, maybe some of those pages are made from your Pi book or that Mickey Mouse guy.”

“Murakami?”

“Yeah, that guy. Murakami Mouse.”

Inside the front cover there’s a hand-written Japanese message: 岸を見失う勇気がなければ、決して海を渡る事はできない.

Underneath it, there’s Jiwon’s familiar scrawl: i don’t know what that means but i love you. merry christmas baby xoJ

He feels like bursting out laughing because well, Jiwon is, and has always been, nothing short of ridiculous. Simple, to-the-point, but ridiculous.

“What’s the Japanese message?”

“Oh, the old man wrote that. He wouldn’t tell me what it is so I had to ask the guy at the hotel. It means: You can never cross the ocean until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.”

“Deep.” He murmurs.

“Yeah, I know. I was kinda hoping he wrote something more Christmas-y and less....depressing.” Jiwon says next to him.

“It’s not depressing. He’s not wrong.” He laughs, pushing the box aside so he has room to lean forward and give Jiwon a hug and thank you kiss. “You always get me the best stuff, it’s so annoying.”

“I wanted to get you more but you threatened to break up with me if I blew our budget. Your present to me better be under 20 bucks pal. Or I’m telling our bank.”

He leans over the side to pull a box out from under the bed. “Here. Happy Christmas.”

It’s a copy of Life of Pi.

Jiwon looks over with a serious expression, running his fingers over the cover of the book, but it doesn’t last for long because there’s a Winnie The Pooh watch underneath it that makes him start snorting laughter. It’s so undignified and ugly but he still falls in love anyway, for the 80th time today. Personal record.

“Hanbin. Baby.” Jiwon says in his Responsible-Adult tone, holding up the kid’s watch. “This fancy timepiece totally costs more than 20 bucks.”

He smiles and helps Jiwon open the plastic box. “My sister helped me pick this one out for you. She thinks you’re a bit weird but she’s 9 so who cares.”

Jiwon raises an eyebrow. “You told her about me?”

His fingers pause in the packaging. “Well, yeah? Did you not want me to?”

“No, I just thought....you weren’t ready to do that or something.”

He rubs the back of his neck and feels hot all over. “I didn’t say much. Just that you’re my friend and you went to Japan recently so that’s why she got the backpack for Christmas. She really loved it by the way. I still can’t believe you got her something. You didn’t need to. And you didn’t need to get my parents anything either.”

“Yeah I did. You know I did. I can’t believe they got me something. That’s weird. Thought they still hated me.”

He shakes his head but it warms his heart, that all the important people in life where thinking of each other at all. “Well, anyway. Now Hanbyul thinks she’ll get two sets of presents from us every time there’s some kind of event. It’s a dangerous tradition to start.”

“Eh, she deserves it for all the shit she’s gone through this year.”

He frowns then. The guilt bleeding into consciousness. He stays quiet and focuses on picking at the sticky tape on the Winnie box.

Jiwon’s fingers reach over to stop him. “Hey, shit. Sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I didn’t mean that it was your fault. Just that, I don’t know, shit. Sorry. I kinda ruined this didn’t I?”

He shakes his head again and tries not to cry. “You didn’t ruin it. You’re....you’re right. It was my fault though. I should’ve visited her more and I should’ve-”

Jiwon takes the box out of his hands and tidies the presents off their bed. “Come here.”

He stays where he is. Guilty people don’t deserve sympathy.

“Hanbin.”

He goes to get up. “Just give me a second.”

And that’s how he ends up, half-alone, sitting on his couch in a darkened living room, feeling like shit. He expected Jiwon to come rushing in with apologies and hugs and whispers of nice things in his ear that were only partly true.

But he doesn’t. Jiwon leaves him to sit there for something close to an hour. He must’ve been staring at the clock because as soon as it ticked over to 12:01 am, he can hear and feel the presence of someone else in the room.

“Can I come in?”

He snorts. “You live here too. You can do what you want.”

“But do you want me here?”

He shrugs. Yes I do.

Jiwon sits down heavily but doesn’t touch him. Half of him is grateful for the space. Half of him is yearning for warm hands.

“I know you love this blame game thing but if it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine.”

He looks over; it’s still dark and they can hardly see each other’s faces at all. 

“It’s not-”

“Yeah it is. I found you didn’t I? That day in the rain, then I found you at the club, then I asked you to come to June’s shop. I kinda dragged you into this.”

Maybe he melts a little bit. Maybe.

“You didn’t drag me into this.” He says. “I was already walking there.”

“So it’s both our faults? Your sister had a shitty year because we were both shitty brothers with no self control and I really wanted to kiss you.”

He smiles to himself and shakes his head. 

“And you said she’s okay now right? Your parents are letting you take her out and stuff. She’s gonna be okay. You’re gonna be okay too.”

He nods. 

This guy. His guy. His best guy. How the hell does he always know what to say? And why does it always work?

“Good. Great. Because I’m fucking tired as fuck.” Jiwon says eloquently as he yawns. “Are you done blaming yourself tonight? Because I kinda want to get back into bed.”

He rolls his eyes. God forbid he gets between Jiwon and his Sleep.

But he goes willingly. Let’s himself be led back to their bed, with the new sheets that he loves, and presents all over the floor and most importantly, this ridiculous guy who says all the wrongs things at the wrong times but somehow fixes it all by saying all of the right things and the right times too.

“Thanks for the cheap presents, babe.”

“Hey!”

Jiwon giggles and pulls him back against his body. “I love them though. I’m gonna read the book. And I’m never gonna be late again.”

He turns around and kisses Jiwon’s jaw. “Those are both lies but thank you for lying to me.”

Jiwon kisses his nose. “You’re welcome, baby.”

****

December 31st. New Years Eve. 7pm.

They’re getting ready to head over to June and Yun’s for the NYE party when his phone rings.

“Oh hi mom.”

There’s too much silence on the other end and the pause is so long that it makes his stomach drop and his heart fill with the dread of “something bad is happening.”

“Mom?”

“It’s....it’s your father.....he’s in the hospital.”

“What?! When?! Why? Is he okay?” He has to sit down on the edge of the bed then, legs trembling and hands shaky. At the sound of his distress, Jiwon rushes into the room but freezes in the doorway when they lock eyes.

“He’s....it was a heart attack. His blood pressure. I told him and told him but he wouldn’t listen. And...he’s in the ICU now. He’s in a...in a coma.”

He feels sick and cold all over.

“Where...where....are you? I’m coming.”

But by the time he hangs up he feels so weak and he just sits there for a few seconds, staring into space.

Jiwon’s fingers touch his cheek lightly and he looks up.

“Hey? What’s going on?”

His vision is blurry now and it takes him a moment before he realises that he’s crying. “It’s dad...he’s in Asan. Heart attack. ICU.”

“Oh, baby.”Jiwon pulls him forward into an embrace and strokes his head. “I’m sorry.”

“Can you drive me there?”

“Yeah of course.”

Jiwon helps him into his jacket and leads him down to the car. He barely registers being strapped in and he’s got so much going on inside his head that he doesn’t even realise the car has stopped until they’re parked in front of the hospital. Jiwon’s already gotten out of the car and is crouching down next to the passenger’s seat, touching his shoulder so softly, as if anything else will hurt him. It doesn’t matter. He feels numb anyway.

“What if-”

“Your mom would’ve told you.” Jiwon says gently, unbuckling his seatbelt and standing up again. “Ready to go in?”

“No.”

Jiwon chews his lip. He’s seen it plenty of times before but those were in different situations. He gets the feeling that this is new for both of them. This total fucking disaster that neither of them can control.

“What if....do you want to just walk around a bit before we go in?” Jiwon suggests.

And again, he lets himself be led around the front garden of the hospital. There aren’t any flowers, just neat box hedges and a few trees dotted around the peripheries. He leans into Jiwon’s side and he doesn’t even care who sees it. He doesn’t care. His dad had a fucking heart attack. Why should he care what people even think of him anymore?

It makes him angry. Furious that he’s wasted all this time caring about things that don’t even matter.

“Babe...babe...” Jiwon’s voice calls him back to reality.

He can feel his jaw ache from the way he’s grinding his teeth. His hand is gripping Jiwon’s so tightly that it must hurt.

“Sorry.” He says, loosening his grip and trying to just concentrate on breathing.

“What do you want to do? Walk a bit more or do you want to go in now?”

He shrugs. He doesn’t know. He just wants someone to tell him what to do. He wants Jiwon to tell him what to do. Tell him that everything will be fine. Even though everything is not fine at all.

“Okay...okay.....we can just walk inside a bit. Just to the floor he’s on. That’s all. We can do that right?”

He shrugs again but Jiwon pulls him forward and some part of him thinks it’s funny really, that when shit hits the fan, Jiwon really is the one dragging him through it. How the hell would he have done this on his own?

He smell and heat and lights and noises of the hospital makes him want to throw up. It’s clean and pristine and their footsteps echo in the foyer but he can feel the layers of grime and death and suffering.

He doesn’t remember much. Just that Jiwon hugs him in the elevator and kisses his cheek. There’s something whispered against his ear but he can’t remember what it was.

He wishes he could because as soon as the door opens and he can see the long corridor leading to a sign that says ‘Intensive Care Unit’, he starts to panic. Not his usual everyday panic. This was some other kind of panic.

He stumbles backwards, as if to get back into the elevator, but Jiwon’s body is there and moving him forward.

“No....not yet, not yet...” He says, voice strained and foreign to his ears.

There’s an overhead announcement about something and in the distance he can hear a beeper going off. Doctors in white coats walk past, talking a mile a minute about things he doesn’t understand. The dinner ladies all file past with their empty trays and blue aprons. But the smell is still there. That unclean-clean disinfectant. It smells like sick people. Thick and claustrophobic, like all the walls were about to close in and he can’t breath anymore.

“Hey, hey....you’re okay.” Jiwon leads him down an empty corridor and pulls him tightly into his chest. “It’s okay. It’s okay.”

He doesn’t know how long Jiwon repeats it or how long they stand there. He knows enough time has past when his heart stops racing and he’s not breathing like he’s drowning.

But he’s not drowning. Or maybe he is. Was. Who cares? He holds on tight because Jiwon is still here and always was here. Maybe always will be here. He hopes so. If he’s going to stick around, he doesn’t want to be a basket case forever. Jiwon deserves more than that. He doesn’t want to be Jiwon’s basket case.

“We can go in now.” He says quietly, it’s half muffled by Jiwon’s hoodie but it’s heard all the same.

“Okay.”

He manages. One foot in front of the other. Jiwon’s hand on his back. It’s okay. It’s okay. He can do this. He can do this for Jiwon and his mother and his sister.

When they get to the front desk, it all goes to shit again.

They won’t let Jiwon in because he’s not family.

His parents raised him to be polite. Civil. Polite. Respectful.

But his nerves are so frayed and exposed that he’s really none of those things.

“What?! My father is dying in there and you’re not gonna let my boyfriend in!? Are you actually fucking kidding me right now?”

“Sir, if you could lower your voice-”

He does. Not that it makes him any more polite. “So let me get this straight. My father is in there. I’m out here. And you got some fucking archaic rules about letting non-blood relations in there? I don’t care about your fucking rules. What the fuck? What the actual fuck?!”

“Hanbin, it’s okay. I’ll wait out here.”

He didn’t mean to snap but he does. “That’s not the point Jiwon! The point is that this is fucked up. Do you people just wait for families to come in all stressed out of their minds and then fuck with them? Is that it? Way to make my day even worse! You f-”

Jiwon pulls him away so suddenly that he doesn’t even finish his sentence.

He stands in the corridor, seething and breathing so heavily he will probably pass out at some point. “Can you believe this shit? Who the fuck do they think they are?!”

“You can’t go in there like this. Your mom and sister are there. You need to-”

“What the fuck do you know? Don’t tell me what I need!” He yells back, regretting it the instant it leaves his mouth.

Jiwon is taken aback. There’s something like hurt and confusion across his face, as though he never thought all the anger would be directed at him.

“Don’t yell at me.”

It’s too much. This is too much. He just wants to go home. He collapses against the wall, rubbing whatever tears are left in his eyes. Why won’t Jiwon just leave him? So he doesn’t have to yell at him and disappoint him like this? He wants to be good for him but he’s not, all he does is fuck everything up.

“I’m gonna say some stuff now. You’re gonna listen, okay?” Jiwon says in a tone so serious that he doesn’t even remember the last time he heard it like that.

He nods.

“It’s not worth arguing with that lady. She doesn’t make the rules. It’s their hospital policy. Your dad and mom and sister are in there waiting for you. Just go be with your family, okay? I’ll wait out here if you need anything.”

He cries. Long silent tears into Jiwon’s shoulder. “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m a fucking mess.”

“And I told you it’s okay.”

“Why are you....”

“Why am I what?”

Shaking his head, he dries his eyes on his sleeve, sniffing a few times to clear his nose. “You’ll wait here? It might be awhile.”

“Yeah, I’ll wait. It’s okay.”

He apologises to the lady at the front desk. She takes it better than he expected but he supposes she’s seen all types of outbursts. She buzzes him in and just before he walks through the ICU doors, he looks over his shoulder to see Jiwon giving him a small smile.

If he had any tears left, he’d cry all over again.

****

Soundtrack for this chapter: All I Want For Christmas Is You by Michael Bublé | Love Scenario (piano cover)