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the-girl-who-sang · 5 years

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October 26, 27 & 29th of 2019: The Day that the Show was on Earth and the Spectators were the Stars in the Sky

Start this message may be complicated, cause I feel my heart already hurting in yearning, but the memories that we created were so bigger and brighter than my small sadness, that I couldn't let this pass...

So here I'm writing you this words, that try to contemplate all the immensity of my truly love and appreciation for you, in the purest and uninterested way...

Leaving from beginning, I feel like I have a beautiful story to tell.

When the Love Yourself Tour where announced, I felt an indescribable euphoria. I thought that finally, I would be able to accomplish my biggest dream: go to your show and, make of this show, the first show of my life! But, unfortunately, there were no dates for Brazil.

But life is a surprise-box and, when you least expect it, something wonderful happens, something unexpected and so amazing, that you feel your breath fade and your smile taste like salt. And that was what happened for me.

Few time later, new dates where announced and, what was my surprise, when I saw that my country, that Brazil were in middle of them! The joy and the emotion ran through my veins! Everything was perfect! That was a sign... A sign that I would have my chance.

But things wouldn't be that easy...

Between all that happiness and excitement, a harsh reality hit me hard: don't matter how much I wanted go to that show, I wouldn't be able. I don't had the money to do this!

My dream, that for some moments were the sweetest and were so close of the touch of my fingers, like in a blink of an eye, disappeared, right in front of me, leaving behind, a bitter and suffocating taste.

So I cried... I cried because it hurted. So much. So much, that it doesn't fit into words. Was my dream, the thing I most wanted, the gift I wanted for my birthday right there, so close, but so far away...

I talked with my family and, even with all the problems, even with all the difficulties, frustrations and conflicts, they told me to try. And I tried... Putted on all my faith and wish, but wasn't enough. No, I couldn't. The defeat came mercilessly, got down like acid, and again I found myself alone, without friends, without joy, without hope...

This year, like the last two years, have been very difficult, I suffered pitiful losses, and my heart couldn't stand no more patches. I was broken and my only hope of joy had been torn from me.

Back to the beginning, I was... Destroyed, destroyed, exhausted. I could only accept the fact that, once again, I could not realize my dream. And that was, in fact, my last chance and so I had lost everything.

But... Do you know the expression that says 'miracles are real'? So, let me tell you a secret: this is true. And I can confirm, cause I received a miracle.

Missing only 4 days, for the 1º show of the Love Yourself - Speak Yourself Tour in Brazil, just like a miracle, I finally received the bless of can get my tickets. It were necessary some minutes for I can realize that it were really happening. Then I cried and laughed, jumped, screamed, and thanked... I thanked that because it was undoubtedly the best birthday present I could ever want!

I would really go to the BTS show with my mom! My dream was real! And in that moment of excitement and euphoria, I could only remember the words that a kind and sweet friend said, in a very hard moment...

The impossible is possible. And he was right.

May 25th of 2019 were the best day of my life.

I never imagined my heart could overflow that way. It was so much love, so much emotion, so much affection, care and feeling. I never imagined that my soul could transcend my body, surpass all the limits of the possible and the impossible, only to unite with infinity in the fullness of that moment.

What I felt that night will never leave me. It's carved in my bones, drawn in my memories, painted in my eyes, overflowed through my blood, sweat and tears. I will never forget that day, and that day will never fade from me.

Never, in all my life, to feel so full and complete. As if I be in that place, beside my mother and so many unknown souls, before you, was my destine, my true place in this world.

After that day, a lot changed... Inside me. Chaos went on outside, but every time he tried to destabilize or hurt me, the memories of those moments of pure joy, the voices, the smiles, the kind words came just like spotlights, driving the darkness away, rescuing me from evil. And once again, I felt safe.

You became my home, my safe place, my point of peace. And no word in the world can express the meaning of this.

Time passed...

And here we are. Many things happened, problems, difficult situations, uncertainties and insecurities; it's being one year & two months since the beginning of this journey... And what a journey! So full of teachings and learning.

In all this time, we have being strong... We fight daily with our demons, fears, insecurities. And we won. Every single day. Together, as always.

I think that, you feel the same that me, but I need to express it out loud.

This era, the Map of the Soul - Persona - and equally your forerunner, Love Yourself, have a very deep and important meaning to me. Since you started this campaign of self love, I felt like it was a call to my awareness, a stimulus to make me see things I didn't want. Know, I've always had self-esteem issues, I could never find myself beautiful or interesting, and I got used to people reaffirming my insecurities. It turns out that after so long, the marks surfaced and scars began to appear, many of them. Emotional and psychological.

I tried to avoid them, forget them for too long, until I reached a point where there was no escape. I had nowhere to run and was already tired of feeling so small, inferior, unworthy of all that is good or beautiful.

Thanks to you guys, I decided to change... Or at least give it a try. I decided try to look at myself with other eyes, try to appreciate my qualities and give more value to my skills and talents. And I have been following this journey. It is not always easy. There are days when I look in the mirror and feel so ashamed of the reflection that looks at me, I just want to cry and hide, but I remain strong. I don't hurt the body in which habit anymore - or at least I try - with bad words or thoughts.

I'm getting a little better every day. And all this, thanks to you. Whenever I think of something bad about myself, I try to imagine their faces, their soft voices saying sweet words to me, reminding me that my life matters and that I have value.

And so I have been following, one day at a time. And if one day is too much, one hour, or one minute, or one second at a time... Taking a deep breath and doing my best to make my dreams come true. And I will make it! I know I will... And you will still be very proud of me!

But how we know, nothing last forever...

October 26th arrived, I felt something different. I shivered and was afraid, because I knew what it was, but I tried to send to the ends of reason, the real motive for that little pain in my chest. Sometimes, the truth is painful.

October 27th also arrived and one more time, I felt the sensation of lost embracing me, like a cold hug of goodbye. Then, I felt sad, but tried to keep my mind positive.

But when irrevocably, the October 29th came, something stranger happened. My mind understood it before my heart do. The second, bubbling in an explosive mixture of longing, sadness and gratitude, finally fell silent at the insistent whisper of truth: the end has come... And this is a true I don't wanted to face. But we need...

Thinking now, after cry a lot, seeing fancams, photos, videos and messages, I understand the meaning of all of this. It's all about love. Your love, our love. It's all about give love, live love, share love. In the end, it's not about awards, charts or profits. This is nice, but isn't everything. What really matters, is what we give and gain free, from the bottom of our souls.

All the things we lived together, through all those months, teached me that life is prettier then we think, and all we need is honesty, humility and love. A truly & honest love.

And all this story brings me till here, till the last page of this journey that, in fact, is so far away of the end. Yes, this isn't the end. It's just the beginning! An incredible new beginning, full of new emotions & magical memories!

Today, October 29th of 2019, marks the day we surpassed the limits of what is impossible and what isn't. Today, we made the stars as the the spectators of our show of love, respect and support. In this night, the lights were on earth and the audience, in the universe, appreciating the masterpiece of our love.

Now, we will begin a new journey together. New plans will come, new dreams, new songs, memories, colours and learnings. We will grow up even more. Together, as always.

Cause we're made of love... And love last forever!

I wanted to thank you all for everything. Thank you for all your hard works, passion, dedication and devotion. Thank you for be so strong. Thank you for never give up. Thank you for keep your mind and feelings safe. Thank you for be my peace. Thank you for give me hope.

I'll love you forever... And beyond the forever!

Tomorrow, will be a new day. When you open your eyes, remember what I’ll say: you’ll never be alone, we will always love & support who you are inside, don’t matter what happen. And most important of all: remember that I love you, and I'll always be here, for you and with you!

Can't wait to see you all again, shining brighter then the stars, in the sky, cause you're my galaxy and together, we make the universe, a sigh of eternity!

Forever by your side...

Yasmin de Carvalho - Brazil. 29/10/2019, 23:59hs.

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