#in literally every aspect of my life
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girlypops I hate myself and idek why
#i keep worrying I'm not doing enough#in literally every aspect of my life#i just feel like every insecurity i have is constantly blaring in my face#i literally feel less than human sometimes#and i can't even imagine someone liking me anymore#my concept of love is so skewed i don't think anyone could ever love me#i feel like I'm invisible#delete later
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I'm tired of being a failure
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Makima, devils and self-fulfillment
Dumping some Makima and CSM thoughts after a part 1 binge bc I think about her forever and ever. I’m sure I’m forgetting some devil lore, feel free to correct what i get wrong/what’s been confirmed. On the table of contents there’s why & how Makima got fixated on Chainsaw, her revealing liking for the country mouse and discussion of her nature & emotions & desires. Was the scorpion doomed to be a scorpion?
The most of this post was thought of during a conversation with @saccharineomens and I don’t think it makes sense to jump into the spiral it sent me on without first laying down the interesting groundwork theorizing she did:
"Thinking about how makima herself wants to be deified. I wonder whether she recognizes the difference between Love As Worship and the love that Aki, Power, and Denji had. She says she wants to help humanity by having Chainsawman eat the “bad” devils, but why does she want to help humans? Because she was ordered to by the Prime Minister? No, her drive seems much more personal than that, it seems like she teamed up with the PM for contractual reasons. (In the most recent chapters we see governmental members wanting certain devils to be eaten, too. What was Makima’s relationship with them? She’s too independent to just follow THEIR orders, she’s Control.)
So is she wanting to better humanity for the accolades, or out of the goodness of her heart? She sees the big picture. She sees any small sacrifice as worth it for the end result, and she’s ruthless. Perhaps she thinks that a more sedate human race would be easier to control? But Makima doesn’t loathe humanity. She never acts like she sees all humans as lesser. She loves humanity’s creations, like good food and movies. She just wants Good Things all the time
She says she prefers the country mouse BUT adds a story where she helps exterminate country mice like vermin. She likes the simplicity yet rejects the idea of being simple. Makima the complex individual you are"
~
The story itself seems to prefr the country mouse. Well- it strikes a balance, shows that a risk to live good & fully can be very worth it, but still that stability over ambition is preferable, proning having a simple happy life over fame, a simple job instead of a dangerous one, etc etc. And I do find Makima’s answer on this so so interesting, she prefers the country mouse, but this preference isn’t out of affection or sympathy but because of how relaxing it feels to exterminate them when they cause problems.
Order satisfies her. Her order satisfies her. She likes the action of rooting out disorder. Maybe this is the devil part, like how Power especially wants blood and drinking it, I feel there’s an itch to every devil, and for Makima it’s a very rigid world view/morality/standards & making things follow her rules and submit to her order.
And maybe this is why she’s attached to humans too, why she felt it was worth it to stick with the government- because devils are chaotic by nature (it’s a whole plot point that hell is essentially a free-for-all battleground for example), meanwhile humans are the species that universally rule Earth with systems they invented and instilled. They made then enforced rules, complex and intricate webs of them. She feels alienated amongst devils but she understands the humans’ need for an orderly organised society, and now she wants to be part of it. Control and conquest require social dynamics after all, requires civilizations or groups. War is chaotic while peace is, well, peaceful— Makima resents her sisters for being death, famine and war, things that throw the world in such chaos. She wants a world of perfect order, no matter how much collateral damage there will be if the end result is control.
This is even more interesting if you consider that yes, Makima is untouchable of her own design, she deifies herself with her omnipresent amount of control and the sway over others that she seeks and encourages— There is this urge to dehumanize her for it, that yes, she is the devil of control and that means she was never going to be any different, have any more feeling be any less uncanny. And I love part 2 so much for this, because it shows us the war devil and the famine devil and we see how frankly uncharismatic with poor self-discipline they are, Nayuta too, and it helps us realize just how much Makima’s success was self-made.
She admires Chainsaw Devil, the Hero of Hell, because he had his own code and his own rules and he made Hell, the chaos pit, submit to them unfailingly. Wherever he goes he decides what he does and what happens to the people he encounters but does so consistently, he has his mechanism and his rules that he always obeys, and he fulfills them every time. It’s still a mystery the why of Chainsaw Devil’s behavior back then and how it works exactly, maybe Pochita left hell because he was tired of these rules he lived by like chains, but still, he was a servant to his code. Makima would have been glad being killed and eaten by Chainsaw Devil because it’d have been becoming part of his design, his conquest, his domination, she’d have been part of that —his— order. Through her death she would be shaping his world and be part of a conqueror’s making history. Like how she appreciates the country mice that die for the sake of order. Like how sacrifices must be made to herself, like listing the name of every person whose life was lost to the Gun Devil— All for the ~greater good~, for her vision for the world. Conquest always thinks its reasons are justified.
And she does mention with the country mice thing that she goes out to a friend’s farm every year! She has a human friend?? That she visits yearly and she genuinely likes it?? Ultimately she lives a busy city life because of her goal and drive and her urge & satisfaction with overseeing shaping the world herself, but part of her, like so many characters including Angel and Aki and Reze, wishes she could live a slow peaceful country life. Moviegoing and dogs and mice in a farm- Wouldn’t it be so much simpler if Makima could find fulfillment and happiness in being a farmer, in keeping control of her own farm, getting satisfaction from exterminating vermin and expertly getting everything right, the right crops grown at the right time on the right soil? Here, too, in a way it’s trying to have full control of an ecosystem, but her goals would be easier to achieve and better, without ceaseless sacrifice or much pressure. But Makima wants grandiosity and her goal does matter to her on a fundamental and moral level, she does think she knows what’s best for the world, and with the power to change it why wouldn’t she strive to? Visiting the farm is just a break, just something she does in fall to help out and just in time to see the vermin extermination. It calms her, then it’s back to actual work.
In capitalism, even the one at the very top of the ladder is ultimately alienated from others and often unsatisfied by their lifestyle, always wanting more and more power because surely that’s the extra edge they must be missing to be content— like how Makima thinks she wants to dominate Chainsaw Devil instead of being his equal. And she says it herself too, she likes humans the way humans like dogs…….. And she keeps so many dogs :( Makima prefers the country mice because they’re calming to root out, maybe because she usually mainly deals with city mice. It’s very easy to equate humans to the mice in this allegory because it’s pretty direct and she’s already likened humans to lesser animals compared to her. She’s self-isolating by design for her design but she still craves relationships and contentment, and the dogs are the embodiment or her want for bonds and occasional simplicity because there is no possible ulterior motive, no way they tie back into her wider plan. They’re her personal life— something that feels so alien when speaking about Makima. Personality and individuality and likes and preferences and friends they visit every year. She likes how easily she can train a dog and how they become putty in her hands, at her beck and call, how much they love her and how much she enjoys their love. How simple and straightforward and easy it is. She keeps them because she likes being loved by them and loving them, and she’s gotten and raised so many. A conqueror always wants more and more and more, is never satisfied.
Devils and agency
Like Power the blood devil wanting blood and having a fixation on drinking it like with Denji’s, or how it was shocking that the violence devil was pretty tame and nice and how he himself theorized it was because he was a fiend and possessing a human body… There’s something to be said about nature vs nurture with the devils. The way they reincarnate and always embody their fear makes it seem categorically like nature, that they always always end up fulfilling the role they were named after and born to fill… Outside influence they’re helpless but to conform with. Like the humans accepting their spot in the social ladder and the shittiness of their living conditions and job under capitalism. Makima craved being equals with someone despite being the control/conquest devil, Angel Devil despite claiming to be a devil who likes to see humans dying was haunted by their deaths and wanted to avoid ones like Aki’s. The Ghost Devil being ironically haunted by Himeno, seemingly helping Aki in her memory out of… Lasting affection? Or maybe it was less about being haunted itself and more about it recognizing how Himeno haunted Aki, and acknowledging that, with the memento, paying her respect to the ghost of her. It’s Angel Devil’s devil nature that makes him like human suffering, so then is it his angel nature too to still care about their deaths? Is there truth to this or is that just personality, just our confirmation bias haunting every part of their identity like it might in their own view of themselves too? We do know different reincarnations of devils do have different personalities after all.
Yoru, war devil, is the most interesting one when talking about the nature vs nurture debate with devils. There is how through her we see the perhaps the most the consequences of a devil stopping being feared— we see a horseman for a concept as universal and horrifying as war be reduced to some bird who needs a contract with a human to have any power even just on the situation when meeting Asa. And through the story we get to know her better, and it becomes clear that her goal is fueled in good part by simply wanting to be remembered and respected through fear. Liked, validated, seen a powerful. But what is more isolating than war? Or control? We also see Nayuta accepting others’ house rules. If part 1 shows perhaps the futility of running away from the truth, with Denji’s memory, with escapist coping mechanisms, with passivity and denial under a corrupt system and with abusive relationships- running away from your own feelings and from the reality of things and from all that you are, more complex than simply human or devil or both or neither— part 2 builds upon the theme of cult of personalities, the chainsaw church, etc. The apocalypse is coming, but this celebrity superhero might save us all, or doom us all uh, dunno. The hero of hell reliving the cycle of pressure from responsibilities and expectations, maybe the part will end with Denji running away like Pochita did~
But yes, on the reverse, I think Famine is a very interesting example of how a devil’s namesake may be more innate than coerced by circumstances. One would think that a famine devil would only like inflicting famine upon others, not being famished itself, but Famine has a bottomless stomach that can never, ever be satisfied, sated. I struggle to find a psychological explanation for this, except that maybe instead of her being hungry it’s her feeling empty when she’s not eating, tasting and having that high sensory experience that releases serotonin in humans, sort of like drugs? But I do take this as a step towards the compulsion theory overall, feels like a reach in the consistency otherwise. And compulsion does not mean it’s something that they like nor that it’s something that they fight against, pretty neutral, just a nature that nudges you towards one path. Maybe it’s even just their go-to for entertainment. Maybe it’s the only thing that makes them feel right and whole. But still the debate remains, what is it, a compulsion or an urge or an itch or an active desire or a conscious chosen want? Does it change anything in practice?
And because of all of this earlier, devils being self-fulfilling prophecies with their role is not in unsignificant part nurture, because doing their atrocities is how they stay remembered— feared, powerful, known— hell and devils are a very isolating place and breed after all, and we do see devils can want companionship. Existentially, it’s their purpose and how they justify their place in the world, in the terrifyingly vast and unknowable cosmos.
We still know so little of what makes Chainsaw Devil so special, why his carnage is so self-controlled. Despite a chainsaw maybe being possibly one of the most "nature" thing you can be— a tool to cut things, a human tool that can be helpful for many things, something to be wielding by another at their judgement on what they decide, but mainly something to cut, a tool suited for carnage, to hurt and to destroy. A blade with a toothed chain, spinning around and around and around endlessly on the same road at the same pace. Such a…. Innately circular concept. And yet the Chainsaw Devil is his own, not driven by an urge or by chaos but his very own brand of order, his own unique assigned purpose, a "if you call i’ll come running to help" policy equalizing everyone. He chooses to withhold his destruction and interference otherwise, and then he chooses to be used. If it’s a choice, of course.
Maybe this is what inspired Makima so much, that Chainsaw Devil could decide what to make of himself despite expectations or innate role. Because even Hell he decided & managed to subjugate under his will and whim, with a precise vision and process. When Chainsaw Devil acts like Denji or is defeated, Makima clicks her tongue and loses her admiration and respect. Makima admired and liked Chainsaw Devil, but only as long as he matched her great image of him in her mind, as long as he followed he rules for what she thinks he should be like. She admired him for his unrivaled self-made success, but once he stepped out of that to truly embody self-fulfillment and agency, disappearing from hell to live on his own road at the beat of his own drum… Well. Surely that was a mistake she has to correct. However their second battle ends, the better conqueror will have prevailed and she’s happy about that, all in the spirit of domination and subjugation.
Imo Makima’s biggest tool, similarly capitalism’s most helpful effect for its own purposes, is complacency. Resignation and passivity helps uphold the system and go along the flow of the will of the people in power. Aki and Reze go along with orders even when knowing their job is trash, etc. In Angel Devil especially we see him go along with the flow uncaring about anyhing, and we discover it was in part due to Makima taking away memories that motivated him. If every devil decides this is just how things are and how things should be that’s what they’ll continue to be and do mindlessly, not pursuing a better life like Chainsaw Devil and Denj and not seeking to change the world like Makima. I think even Makima veils herself to a lot of things, she doesn’t like to think deeply about some things, like her desire for connection, or how making bad movies disappear is strenuous and unsustainable and requiring sacrifices at best— how her judgement is as subjective as anyone else. How liking the country mouse and her friend back at the farm and her dogs could be not devoid of sentimality. Wanting bad movies erased is her one biggest show of selfishness, of pettiness and individuality, it’s about her tastes, simple as. About how she can have tastes, and cry seeing a scene of people hug, and want things that aren’t logical, her ideology and mind twisted into a pretzel to avoid acknowledging that she doesn’t live and breathe purely for the mission she’s made a single-minded robot out of herself to accomplish. Nayuta is assertive and selfish and loud, Makima is manipulative and strategically both for her goals and for coping hollow.
Everything in her plans and goals she says is for the greater good, necessary evil, manufactured happiness the way she’ll have decided for people— and that’s the thing isn’t it, like with War, it’s the crack that shows it was all truly about herself after all. Her self-made deification still had the flaw that a self made it. Makima is not omniscient, and it’s not Chainsaw Devil the not-so-fellow-kindred-soul conqueror who gets the best of her, but a city mouse, a dog, someone she would have never thought to respect, Denji.
#Fumi rambles#Chainsaw man#makima#analysis#meta#The goal is moreso me dropping thoughts than being flawless on every aspect of the lore so if and when i get things wrong b merciful….#Maybe her liking of control is why she remembers the ww2 authoritarian fascists. I don’t want to say the word jic for tumblr search#Pity is never a factor When mercy is a sign of a talentless actor#And as you grow its hold on your throat starts to falter And once you go beyond pure humanity's border#You will come back like a dooooog 😭#This’d be a different topic but. I don’t think makima likes denji as much as one of her dogs. If so i’d say it was in the moments where#she brought him to movies but even then….. i think she has more fondness for her dogs bc w denji it was indifference and derision#I love you please humiliate me / strip my dignity and laugh my honey#God. God i’m fine. I’m so okay about csm#Makima has a cryptic but strong sense of morals?? That doesn’t align with ours obvi but#‘Someone like you has no right to wish for a normal life do they?’ What do you meannn what do you meannnnn#What is this contempt for denji. Does she see herself as moral or part of those that are city mice bc they’re undeserving of a calm life???#Maybe famine only feels fed on humans and their blood 🤔 or their fear. man idk idk idk idk but i wanna see more of her quirks#And before someone says ‘but every demon likes to drink blood’ power is especially fixated on it tho cmannnn#Did Angel lie when he said he liked seeing humans die?? Did his haunting thing become worse after meeting Aki?? Did he suppress it#because he feels like he doesn’t belong as a devil??? bc he’s suppressing his memories of the villagers he cared about??#Has he just been trying so hard not to care for so long. Passive bc he thought that’s all he could or should be#AGHHHHH#Spoilers#There’s a lot more i’d have liked to touch on like the popular theory that Makima was *raised* by the government#and i’ve seen a take that the ‘my friend at a farm’ thing is all euphemism from makima about her troublesome human killing job ykyk#but i think the phrasing is too literal and natural for that. The snow and soil talk everything. It’s a perfect allegory but it can be both
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does anyone have ideas on getting involved in irl feminist activism in your community i literally think it's the only way i'm going to like. survive. and i'm completely serious about that.
#male violence + manipulation + harassment + sexist treatment from other women has shaped my entire adult life. every aspect of it.#isn't that fucked????#like i am literally not a happy person primarily because patriarchy exists#and i don't know what to do with all that anger. i feel like i have to put it somewhere
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time for another “THANK YOU I LOVE YOU” message: THANK YOU I LOVE YOU!!! i’ve been struggling with some severe burnout in all facets of my life as a result of being too stubborn and prideful to recognize said burnout and so i’ve had a hard few weeks with just that + tumultuous personal life stuff + blah blah blah, and wanted to say THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT! i’m giving a little rest from reviews and art (moreso the former) since i was really forcing myself to make ends meet and turning it into a chore and so i’m just kind of forcing myself to stop and rest and be a person. which is excruciatingly hard for a GO GO GO person like me so i just wanted to say thank you for your patience and understanding with that! and thank you for your support!!! i haven’t had the emotional bandwidth to answer asks or DMs lately but i promise i see them and am seriously grateful for everyone who has sent one in, i really want to share the love and get back on my feet and be more active and open and talkative since I LOVE INTERACTING WITH YOU GUYS!! so i just wanted to say thank you for your patience and support in spite of all that. i’m usually my worst enemy in terms of putting the most pressure under myself and buckling under it as a result, i know realistically nobody is sharpening their harpoon gun because i didn’t touch a review for a week. but i wanted to put out a message as a bit of peace of mind regardless 🙏 thank you for your support in any capacity and know that i am extremely grateful for it beyond words!
#just every single aspect of my life has become a chore and obligation and an unhappy one and i thought the solution to that was to force#through it and that is not the case! i hate feeling ‘lazy’ but my body was literally giving out and i still am busy with work obligations so#i can’t afford to have my hobbies and personal life causing that much pain#but rest assured the art and reviews and chatting will pick up! i love them too much to stop and refuse to! that’s why i’m in this scenario#but i just wanted to say thank you and give a bit of an explanation because i would keep agonizing otherwise lol#going through a bit of a transitional period and learning how to care for myself better so i can be more available for friends and acquain#tances. and that includes yinz! thank you for leaving asks and DMs and replies and reblogs i hope it never stops! i want to get more#equipped to answering them#thank you for being here :)
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being a child is fucking crazy like the first 13ish years of your life are just spent entirely controlled by some random person and it has no bearing on how smart you are or the people around you actually are but you cant like. move 10 meters without someone elses permission.
#no one else ever seemed to have much of a problem with this but i do think part of the reason why i was so suicidal at 12/13 was lack of#agency. like literally practically every aspect of my life was controlled by someone else. i couldnt leave the fucking house without#permission like wtf!! id be suicidal again if that happened to me now!! and my parents were like kinda lenient too like i could wear pretty#much what i wanted and i did whatver i wanted with my hair and i had a bank account and could be friends with whoever and etc...#but. i was SO acutely aware when i was a kid that i was Not Free and it was suffocating i didnt have a second where i got to exist by Mysel#yk. unencumbered by what i was doing to other people by existing or doing things. up until i was like 14 at the very least. and even then.#theres still always someone you gotta Report to. idk... its just crazy when u really think abt it. like i dont have an alternative im just#thinking aloud#oliver talks
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imagine being able to soulread your homie and he still lies to your face about everything being fine. you both know he isn't even being convincing about it
#mcyt#mianite#captainsparklez#omgitsfirefoxx#sonja omgitsfirefoxx#mianite hanahaki au#marsh tries#literally every time i think about thaum aspects i lose my mind all over again#thinking bout having assigned caps hanahaki death flower. thinking about it manifesting in his aspects#thinking bout mortuus bleeding into the victus and sonja seeing over time as the red gets more and more consumed#also the victus heart inexplicably being a flower#like. she has seen what its supposed to look like. shes seen wags victus and its the same as everything else with that aspect that she scan#wdym theres nothing wrong your aspects are Wrong#and the whole death seeping into life has worrying implications
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i know shinso and monoma's text exchanges are incredible
#literally a ratio of like of 20:1 texts from monoma to shinso but... every once in a while shinso is going existential on that blonde's *ss#'i could've had them this whole time im gonna kms' <- shinso says... dying because he only just realized he misread his entire life#'LOL we all knew that' <- monoma's response#and then it's back to normal w/ monoma complaining abt every aspect of his day to shinso lmfaoooooooo they are so wild#it takes a while to understand their dynamic but they are best buddies in my mind#shii posts#gen
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In the world of Sonic the Hedgehog, a key stage in mtf transition is your clothing budget skyrocketing since you can't walk around in just shoes and gloves anymore
#sonic the hedgehog#trans#transgender#today I learned the creator of Final Fantasy Sonic came out as trans and did the same for her oc Aeon#Aeon now wears clothes#and honestly I like her new design more#oddly enough the Sonic oc I made as a kid was based on Aeon#literally every aspect of my life was foreshadowing
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is there a non-shitty way to ask your friends not to text you for a while because you don’t have the energy to respond? especially when they keep trying to talk to you and asking if you want to talk about it when you genuinely have nothing to talk about, you just wanna be left alone for a little bit 😭
i’ve been ignoring texts for days and i already feel like shit for not communicating but like… how do you even word that without sounding like a cunt lmao
#apple babble 🍎#non fandom#i just wanna vibe on my own for a while and recharge every aspect of my life#it literally feels like hell just trying to type out a text like it’s so fucking hard#and i just don’t wanna talk i really don’t
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‘Puter mari can’t read rooms. Or screens I guess
#my girl I’m SO normal about her#goes INSANE!!!#omori#omori au#omori mari#I’ve been just developing her character in my head because it’s so interesting#she’s mari but NOT mari at the same time#she has her own little quirks and parts of personality which she in turn questions if that makes her really mari#every single detail about her character is like a concentric circle#it just keeps going and going and the concepts derivative of previous concepts get deeper and deeper#she’s in the depths of an existential crisis let her brood#she IS very bad at socialising and reading rooms and moods and stuff#she’s been trapped her whole life!! both in the game’s storyline and literally on the computer too!!! give her a break!!!!#cw sui mention#some little facts about her for those interested#she speaks with like this tweaked tts that sunny made#in which he adjusted it enough so that it sounded like mari to him#:(#so like. whatever voice headcanon you have for mari bitcrush it and make it choppy thats her#she was the first vocaloid!!! puter mari did it FIRST!!!!#she also gets more advanced the more she’s around#at some point she figures out how to start transferring into electric appliances#sunny’s microwaving leftovers and his microwave starts talking to him in puter mari’s low resolution ass voice#BSJDJDJNZ I love her#I’m purposefully ignoring like the entire angst aspect of her character rn#it’s silly time!!!#ough puter mari you will now forever have my heart#I have more little facts about her lmk if you wanna hear them!!!#puter au
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#icarus speaks#oh my fucking god??? boomer’s latest tweets#and i think stream?? i didnt watch it but holy shit 😭#for those who haven’t seen it xenbe (played bedwars w tiredtwt often) literally lied about like#every aspect of his life#including lying about being black and muslim#jesus fucking christ can this community catch a goddamn break
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Explain what you said on Twitter
assuming that you're talking about when i said that imo the conversations around "scully, you're making this personal" aren't aligned with the intent/impact of the scene (actually i think what i said was that the scene is very serious but y'all never talk about what's serious about it so you loop back around to being unserious) and tbh i can do a post on my own feelings about the scene sometime when i'm feeling more with it if y'all want but i just meant that people bitch about that line every single day talking about how it's hypocritical and how infuriating it is and how much you hate mulder in s6 etc etc but i literally never see anyone even think about like...the actual meaning of the scene and implications of the line and the context and where they're each coming from. it's all just a very shallow and reactionary discussion in my experience
(i ended up talking more in the tags lol i never shut up in the tags)
#interesting to watch byers' reaction in that scene tbh. considering he's the one who said he 'always wondered' why mulder and diana split up#he very much has a look of 'don't go there' when scully keeps pushing it#as pointed out in randomfoggytiger's analysis of the scene which is linked on their page#this obv isn't shade to anyone who's talked about the scene lol#asks#scully LOATHESSS diana lol and has literally every reason and more#i just think the convos around that scene are missing the biggest emotional aspect (scully's violation in relation to diana's participation#to like.....focus on a totally different angle and blow it up#when i say that the scene IS very serious but never in the way discussed#i mean that it's very much about scully begging to be heard and kind of quietly betraying how much her own exploitation impacts her#how much it IS personal#and it's also kind of a last ditch effort to try to get the person she loves out of this abusive/manipulative situation using evidence#and he IS listening to her (he goes from there to check diana's apartment and tells diana he has doubts about her. which he didnt before)#but she doesn't know that bc she just hears 'scully you're reaching' 'scully you're making this personal'#my interpretation of the line is that he's talking about her criticism of diana. which we know she's been vocal about from her#'you KNOW what i think THAT woman is' in the previous episode#i think he's taking it as input on HIS personal life and what he does with HIS relationships and HIS ex (wife) (lol)#but what makes the scene serious and kind of haunting is that that actually is not what she's talking about at all#she's talking about the chip in her neck. she's talking about her dead daughter. her dead sister. HIS dead sister. the dead MUFON women.#all things that she KNOWS diana is involved with. but she can't MAKE him see that or believe her#(even though he does take in her input moving forward)#they're just not on the same page for once and they're not talking about the same thing#like it's a very deep and very very difficult conversation because it's so convoluted in abuse and power structures and trauma#but my main thought on it is that like...i never see anyone think about the implications or even the aspect of scully's personal history#all anyone ever says all the time is like omg of course it's personal to her i hate him for this men are so stupid#NO ONE EVER EVEN REMEMBERS WHAT THE SCENE WAS ABOUT#and ofc people are allowed their jokes and not every post on every scene is gonna go into how people think about it or how they interpret i#it's just always a very shallow conversation surrounding a very important scene which bothers me! that's all
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Welcome to another episode of am I an asshole or just aroace.
Recently I've been in a situation where I've contemplated my sexuality a lot. My best friend has been telling me all about their dating escapades and honestly I'm a bit over it. Obviously as a friend I want to support someone I care about, but I just get into this mood I can't really explain??? I get so disinterested and even feel a bit hurt in a way. So ofc I do some reflecting and I think I found an answer.
A lot of my friendships with people ususlly looked different when they were romantically involved with someone. They would obviously need to prioritize their romantic partner, but sometimes I felt discarded. And i feel like we don't talk about that enough. I mentioned it a bit in my other post but to be pretty much replaced by someone you only know for a short amount of time feels some typa way. And I get it- I won't be priority #1 and I'm okay with that. But I feel like sometimes, men especially, have this toxic idea that their partners become their everything. And in turn, (in my case at least), pay less attention to their friends since their partner is now their sole support system.
So I think there's this small voice in my head telling me that when my friend(s) do find a partner, I'm just gonna be cast aside. I would be absolutely elated if my friend did find someone though, i just know for myself it would be an adjustment.
I feel like loneliness for an aroace person hits a bit different. Especially as I'm getting older, and seeing all of the people I know get into relationships, get married, and/or having kids. My family always asks when I'm going to get a partner (I haven't and probably couldn't come out to them safely). So many times I've been told I haven't found the "right person" or my aroace identity is "just a phase". And it's just gotten so old and bothersome at this point.
I can't even discern what thoughts are my own or the internalized aro/acephobia thats been deeply entrenched in my mind. I feel like I'm trapped in a state of just not knowing. And i get it, I have time, I can discover a different identity that makes more sense for me. But I don't want it!? I feel the most myself being asexual and aromantic (i think!). It's just that having to explain why or justify my existence is getting so exhausting. The way platonic love is just automatically pegged to be the least of all the other loves is just so sad to me.
I know about qprs and honestly they sound pretty dope but idk I might just end up with this loneliness eating away at me. The relationship I'd want with a person just seems so niche and unrealistic. I'm just real tired of living up to others expectations in every sense possible. Tired of not being enough. Tired of being stuck in this in-between of caring so much but not at all.
and I shouldn't have to feel like I have to be in a relationship of any kind to be whole 😩. But I think for myself I'd want it? But not the way society has envisioned it y'know?
#aroace#asexual#aromantic#onionpeelings#i don't think it helps that I'm insecure about literally every aspect of my being#they should invent a life thats not complicated#also I do not have thoughts that flow coherently so thank you for reading this jumbled mess of mine#love seeing people in love but hate that it's not for me? idk#try not to feel like a broken human while aro and/or ace challenge (impossible)#ace#aro#amatonormativity
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unfollowing deangirls for woobifying and mischaracterizing dean as an eternally misunderstood victim, having the driest most boring takes on the show bc in their heads destiel is all that matters, and therefore villianizing or consistently ignoring sam BUT ALSO unfollowing samgirls for shipping w*ncest, and even the ones that aren’t are still following and exclusively reblogging from others who ship it. my dashboard is so empty it updates hourly lol 💔literally hate my life.
#supernatural tumblr is a fucking minefield.#i am feeling really triggered and upset tonight. i want my favourite show back i want it to not feel tainted by others perception of it.#my trauma literally spoils every good aspect of my life this is great ♥️ yay. <- sarcasm#me talking
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happy worst monday ever 🙏🙏🙏
#literally falling in every aspect of my life rn but#at least i had a dream i was pregnant with toji’s baby 🙏
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