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hectabdr · 4 years ago

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Dragon Raja IV - Chapters 11 & 12 (Abridged)

Hi everyone!

Today's chapters are a little slower than the previous ones, but they have a lot of insight on Nono, Luminous and the nature of their relationship. I also kept more of the original dialog for the same reason.

BTW, this is the point where the illustrations suddenly stopped for some reason so... No more drawings :P

Previous chapters.

Chapter 11

A girl waited in the top lobby of the Black Prince International Financial Center. At 21 years old, Tu Xiaojiao was already known as the "Sophie Marceau of China". She was in that building to meet the legendary "Master Shao", the inheritor of this powerful organization. If anyone else in the world made Miss Tu wait for more than half an hour, she would leave the place immediately, but Mr. Shao was different, he could offer her the role of her life, so she decided to stay in the waiting room.

When the receptionist finally allowed her to enter Shao's office, she found him next to the window, reading a poem out loud. She had to wait for him to finish for fifteen minutes, her high heels started making her feet feel numb, wondering if he was mocking her, Shao didn't even notice her presence. To her dismay, once he finally saw her in his office, it didn't make much of a difference, since Shao only had one topic in his mind, his adored senior was back.

Miss Tu tried to be polite, and asked to know more about this "senior" girl. When Shao was younger, he had a girlfriend, she was actually one year younger than him, but she demanded to be referred as his senior and he obsessed over her for the rest of his life. He even showed miss Xiaojiao a picture of himself and his senior back when they were a couple. Tu Xiaojiao was confused, in the tiny photograph, there were two children, one looked like Shao and by his side, there was a girl who seemed completely indifferent towards him. This was cut from a kindergarten group photo, and he carried it in his wallet ever since.

Shao had everything at his disposal since he was born, his focus in the entertainment industry was nothing but a hobby. He could visit any place that he wanted, he could buy any piece of clothing and of course, he could date some of the most beautiful women in the world. But he didn't want any of them as his wife. The woman of his life had to be someone who would make him beg for her affection, someone who would make him kneel in her presence. The only woman who could make that to him, was Chen Motong.

Every time that Miss Chen came back to the country, he felt like a five year old all over again, but getting her heart wouldn't be an easy task. She acted cold and demanding, when she arrived he asked her out for dinner but she just wanted to borrow a car from him and left. He heard about an Italian man, apparently her boyfriend and he couldn't learn anything else about him, it was driving him crazy, but he received some information that brought some hope back into his eyes. Miss Chen had a friend in town, and he was in the hospital. Shao left his office with Miss Tu in it, on his way to meet Mr Luminous.

Young Lu was also disheartened because of Nono, although, his reasons were different. His 91st attempt to save her also ended in failure. When he realized that they were once again going to die, Nono desperately tried to make him react, but he lazily waited in the car seat for the whole scenario to restart, frustrated and annoyed, as the gravity of the situation slowly became less palpable. He looked to his side and saw Nono's face looking at him. Her expression was as ruthless as ever but in her eyes he saw deep sadness, he almost felt like hugging her before they died but the simulation ended. To him, death meant that he would have to start all over again, but for Nono, every single time it meant a genuine end.

To interrupt his depression, a young, short, overweight man entered his room. He called himself a friend of Miss Chen and Luminous thought for a second that she sent him there to get him out of the hospital, but Shao was there to speak.

He started making questions, in particular, who was this Italian scumbag that he heard about? Tragically for him, Luminous spoke highly of Caesar's fortune, personality and actions, and to make matters worse, he wasn't only Chen's boyfriend, but her fiancé.

A depressed Shao proceeded to tell an anecdote from his childhood. When he was studying in the United Kingdom, Shao felt belittled next to ehe aristocratic children that studied with him, so he started bragging about his own family's wealth and promising other kids money for listening to him, when he tried to show off in front of Nono, she beat him up and told him to call her "Senior Sister".

The school's Rugby matches also got violent, Shao played aggressively, so the other kids retaliated against his attitude by deliberately kicking him in the face and hitting him with the ball. His front teeth got broken as there was no coach present to stop them. He sat down on the grass, defeated, when Nono took his place in the match, she fearlessly rushed into a defense of fifteen boys while Shao swore to his heart that one day he would marry that girl, even if he had to kneel and crawl in front of her.

Shao compared himself to the protagonist form "The Great Gatsby", who desperately needed to be with his love interest, Miss Daisy.

-Why should a girl be with a man who needs her?

She should be with a man she needs. My senior sister doesn't need me, I am the one who needs her.

Before Shao left, Luminous reminded him of a scene in "Journey to the West" where Tang Sanzang found a silly monkey who lived behind a waterfall. The cowardly monkey recognized Tang's strength and left his hidden home to follow him around the world. There are two types of monkeys in the world, the smart ones that can survive out there on their own, and the silly ones, who need a master they look up to.

Shao understood his metaphor and he felt encouraged. Realizing he could trust the strange mental patient enough to untie one of his hands, Shao gave Luminous a can of beer and they toasted. When Shao left, Luminous took a syringe from the side table and injected himself with more sedatives. This was his 92nd attempt.

Shao returned to his office, motivated and lively.

-I met a new brother today!

He encouraged me to come back here, he's a philosopher and his words are very touching!

People living in mental hospitals are all experts in this kind of stuff.

He realized that he left without saying goodbye to Miss Tu, but his apology wasn't answered, because the girl in his office was Nono. She was drinking, looking tired, she didn't wear any makeup and silently stared at the window.

Shao was determined to win her over, but Nono answered most of his questions briefly and coldly. She didn't want to speak with him, she was just there to return the car keys and now she wanted to leave.

Shao's pitiful voice tone softened her attitude a little so she asked him for some gin with ice. Nono drank the whole glass in one sip and asked for a refill. She had another glass, and another.

- Senior sister, is someone bullying you?

- Who could possibly bully me?

- Usually no one, but aren't you engaged now?

- Caesar wouldn't do that, don't worry about it, just take care of yourself.

- Are you really going to marry an Italian? Those guys spend their money so recklessly!

- Could you give me a better reason not to marry him? Who are you to say those things? Stop messing around and just confess your intentions.

- I'm your boyfriend from kindergarten! If you gave me a chance instead I could be endlessly more confident and...

- You? "Endless"? Nono was so angry that she laughed.

Shao Kneeled and asked Nono to be his girlfriend instead. He kneeled in one knee, so she asked him to kneel on both like he used to, and he did, but not for begging, he used to do so as punishment. Nono didn't like his subservient attitude.

- We were just classmates, I was wrong to treat you so hardly, but you don't have to hold on to me, I am engaged and you could marry just anyone.

Shao kept begging, Nono deflected every single one of his arguments until he recited Luminous's "Journey to the west" reference. His delivery was incredible, but she had no reaction to it, she looked at her glass with tired eyes. She got up on her feet and entered the elevator.

After she left, Shao was avidly celebrating, he interpreted her reaction as progress and showed off in front of his employees.

Nono stopped at a small ramen restaurant to warm up her rain-soaked body. Chu Tianjiao was her last clue and she lost it. If Luminous was actually sick, why didn't she give up on him yet?

Why did she feel the need to insist on his case? This wasn't only about her, every moment she spent in the middle of nowhere, escaping from the secret party, she got Caesar in trouble. How was she supposed to explain this to them?

She had to admit that she cared too much about Luminous's well-being. She wouldn't doubt to give him her diving suit, she immediately called him last year when she and Caesar were overwhelmed by Scythe ferrets to warn him of the impending danger and now that the whole world was against him, she kept insisting on proving his sanity. Regarding his feelings for her, she comforted herself with positive thoughts. Who didn't have a crush on a senior girl at some point in his life?

Zero was great for him, so was Isabelle, if she had known Erii in person, Nono would have considered them to be "such a fucking perfect match".

Over the last few years, this petty boy had grown up, he became more energetic, better dressed and gained so much experience, yet he kept holding on to her. She left Shao's office without saying a word because she recognized those words belonged to Luminous. They were about Luminous.

- Chen motong, you're such a fool, you messed everything up.

Chapter 12

An exhausted Su Xiaoyao leaned back on her office chair, she had spent a long day on work meetings and in the middle of the night her phone kept ringing. This was her life ever since she had to leave school to take over her father's business. She had gained some weight ever since but no one really cared, she was still one of the top bachelorettes in the city and she had just accepted a blind date, excited to take a break.

During the student reunion, seeing Luminous made her cry a little. It wasn't because she used to have a crush on him during their high school years, she just realized that those carefree days would never repeat themselves. Back in the day, she and the other girls used to sit on the basketball courts to see Luminous play basketball. Even the air felt different.

Su took her high heels off and put her feet on her desk to take a quick nap, but her phone interrupted her attempt to display an urgent text message. It was Liu Miaomiao, her old rival in love.

- Su Xiaoyao, find a way to get here, quick! They put our senior brother in a mental hospital!

Game level: Gungir light, 101st load.

- So, where did you get that rocket launcher again?

- I found it under the seat...

The whole fight seemed extremely rehearsed by now, Luminous always knew exactly where to shoot, it almost looked like he could predict the future.

- Did you learn that in your special training? I want to take that special training too!

Nono slowly became the most problematic element in the simulations, she didn't retain her memories after every attempt like he did. This was probably the first time Luminous felt something other than absolute admiration towards her, she became a little annoying, but he couldn't really blame her. They got in the car and tried to escape, but one of the tires was damaged.

- Are you hungry? I just found some nuts in this car!

He knew Nono was trying to calm him but he was still a little anxious, he repeated the steps to replace the tire in his mind but the car-wheel escaped his hands and rolled over the highway.

His tantrum surprised Nono, who dropped her snacks all over the floor. Ming·Z paused time and got out of the car.

He noticed that Luminous asked to reset his last six attempts instead of waiting for his death, he seemed far more tired than usual after his conversation with Shao, it made him reflect about his feelings for Nono to the point of getting distracted in battle.

- First of all, I'm not the only monkey that she brought out from the waterfall, second, I am the one who needs her, she doesn't need me.

- Brother, I expected you to regret going to Cassell College, you wouldn't be so sad otherwise.

- I don't regret it, if I hadn't gone to Cassell College, I wouldn't know my senior brother nor my senior sister or the boss, nor would I know Finger, the Japanese "Lonesome George" brothers... And Erii.

Luminous ignored Ming·Z's snarky remarks and got a better hold of his feelings.

- I always ran after my senior sister, I like her so much that it makes me very sad that I can't be with her. Caesar was born with everything, he could have married any girl he liked but he picked the only one I cared about.

Suddenly I realized that I'm wrong, that was just wishful thinking on my part.

There are more people for me out there, Erii liked me, but Nono was the only one I had eyes for. Nono doesn't need me, I'm the one who feels at ease when I follow her, like she'll feel relieved when she marries the boss. She wouldn't feel like that if she were with me and to pursue her is to act on my most selfish side, why did my senior brother support me?

- Your senior brother wasn't that upright, don't you think?

- Finally, are you willing to admit that he's real?

- Okay okay, Johann Chu really does exist, but there is something wrong with him and you need to get him back"

- Then I'm relieved.

Ming·Z confirmed more things, the city was closed on all exits due to the weather conditions and the Nibelungen was invading their reality on a large scale.

- Thank you, Ming·Z·Lu. Why do you call yourself Ming·Z? You deliberately used my cousin's name"

- No, my name is Ming·Z·Lu, there has always been a Ming·Z·Lu in your life and that's me, not the fat boy in your uncle's house.

Luminous went back to the car, picked the dozens of floating snacks and put them back in Nono's palm one by one.

- Sister, don't worry, you will be fine, I will definitely find a way, I changed my mind, I will attend your wedding, I'll see you in your white dress holding orange flowers, walking on a red carpet full of happiness... Maybe you should throw the bouquet in my direction.

Three girls were sobbing next to his bed when he woke up, Chen Wenwen was the first face he recognized, followed by Su Xiaoyao and Liu Miaomiao. Su was one of the most influential persons in town, so she demanded that her old classmate got released from the hospital.

They took him out on a car and decided to stop on a luxurious bar. They all felt a little insecure about what they were wearing, so Su Xiaoyao asked her driver to bring them their old school uniforms.

Sitting at the bar, after multiple drinks, the girls kept reminiscing of their old days in high school, Luminous past in this reality was the same as Johann's, including his Saxophone recitals at the cultural festivals. He used to envy Johann so much back then...

He stood up and told everyone that he was going to the bathroom, but he changed back to his normal clothes and got out of the bar. A man with a motorized tricycle was waiting for potential passengers outside and Luminous gave him his expensive watch as insurance for borrowing his small vehicle.

He drove all the way to the Number 10 highway and entered the Nibelungen again. Odin was waiting for him far away, he didn't say a word but he slowly raised his lance. Luminous turned around and left the god's prison.

Back in his old apartment, Finger had befriended Luminous's aunt and kept doing shores for her. Nono came back to the place and they argued about their course of action.

- If I had known this was going to happen, I wouldn't have rescued him from that theater.

- Feels like you stepped in bubble gum and you can't take it off.

Finger suddenly left the room and came back with the news, Luminous had left the hospital with three old classmates. Nono grabbed an umbrella and ran out. She knew the bar and she knew about Su Xiaoyao, they weren't going to be hard to find.

By the time she arrived, the three girls were arguing after Luminous left. They actually tried to blame each other, the way they admired him was surprising to Nono. Suddenly, Luminous came back and justified his absence by saying that he went to a convenience store to get something to eat.

Nono watched them from the dark, feeling really stupid, there was a strange obsession that she couldn't let go of. In fact, she should have driven away the silly monkey that pestered her long ago, the more she helped him, the more he would rely on her. This wasn't good for any of them, but she couldn't bear to refuse.

She was afraid that he would end up crying alone in the wilderness, where no one could listen to him. She hoped that one day he could become one of those smart monkeys who run around happily, but maybe this silly monkey was smart from the beginning and she was pitying someone who didn't really need her.

She strolled under the heavy rain, her clothes were soaking and stuck to her body, it was a long way back to the uncle's house but she wanted to walk alone. She felt colder and colder and for the first time in her life she missed the Golden Iris Academy. She felt like going to a ramen stand again but there were no businesses in sight, however, there was a phone booth.

One call, that's all she needed to give away her location, Caesar made her memorize an emergency number long ago, it was the right thing to do, the person she should trust the most in this situation was not Finger or Luminous, but Caesar. Dialing felt like betraying her old classmates, but she started pressing the numbers.

"No, no, no, no, no, don't be like this, don't be like this"

Subconsciously, she looked aside and saw a small boy in the rain, looking at her from the other side of the glass. What was such a young boy doing out there on his own?

He was delicate and beautiful, like a porcelain doll.

- Are you looking for me? She asked.

The expressionless face of the boy slowly got horrifyingly distorted by the raindrops on the glass. She couldn't breathe due to an overwhelming sadness, so she opened the door but the boy was not there anymore. She took the calling card out of the booth and hanged up the phone.

Rome, Italy.

Caesar was waiting in front of a phone, he was under a lot of pressure, but the moment he received Nono's call, all of his problems would be over, yet the phone was silent.

The family elders felt like Luminous had stolen something that belonged to their heir, so they suggested that he cancelled his marriage.

- No, there are only two people in this world who can dissolve that engagement, Nono and me.

To avoid being put under heavy suspicion, he had to act calm and decisive, like he did a few days ago, when he released the monsters from the ice cellar to find the fugitives. Parsi entered the room and informed Caesar about the worsening weather conditions in Beijing, this type of climate phenomenons usually signaled the awakening of powerful dragons.

Luminous, the never-existing Johann Chu, the grim reaper, it was all starting to make sense. Caesar instructed Parsi to prepare his private jet and his desert eagles, he also dissuaded Parsi from going with him. At the lionheart club, president Babru informed the former president and dragon slayer Abdullah Abbas that Caesar wanted to team up with him to hunt the dragon down.

Intrigued, Abdullah accepted and instructed everyone to get ready.

To be continued, final update on Monday.

#Dragon Raja #dragon raja novel #luminous #ming z lu #nono #caesar gattuso #johann chu

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omg-imagine · 5 years ago

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⊱ Forget Me Not (2/15) ⊰

Pairing: Keanu Reeves x Reader

Summary: After you wake up from a coma and realize that your memories from the last five years have been erased, Keanu works to bring back what you have lost.

Words: 2.7k

Warning: Angst

A/N: Thank you all for the lovely feedback, I truly appreciate it! This series might turn out to be 15 chapters long unless I decide to tweak it. But anyways, I hope you enjoy this next part!

Part 1

There was a stillness in the air once you opened your eyes, a stream of daylight blinding you as it slipped past between parted curtains. Your head throbbed excruciatingly, but your body felt numb. When the bright light subsided, you glanced around the room but saw it as a blurry haze. Slowly, your vision settled, only then realizing where you were.

You were in the hospital.

You blinked once, then twice, trying to recall what had happened, but nothing was coming to mind. Deciding that your memory would return eventually, you took a moment to survey your surroundings. You couldn’t do much else, not when you have an IV needle hooked into your arm and were also attached to a monitor.

Fresh floral arrangements decorated your space, bringing some much-needed vibrancy inside the dull and gloomy room. In one corner, you caught sight of a sleeper chair with a white blanket folded neatly on top of a pillow. You wondered to yourself who would choose to stay the night, sleeping on that small uncomfortable recliner.

Other than those, there was nothing else remotely interesting about the room. As you laid in bed, you matched your breathing to the lulling sounds of the machine beeping at your side. You stared up at the cold white ceiling, counting each gray speckle that you could find on the panels above. You had reached fifty before you were startled by the door opening, a nurse then stepping inside the room.

“You’re awake,” the woman commented, quickly walking over to your bedside. She was around the same age as your mother, perhaps slightly older. Her graying hair was tied neatly into a bun with a few loose strands framing her face. Her kind eyes glanced over yours, and you felt calmness washing over you. “My name is Sam. I’ve been checking up on you for quite some time now.”

You opened your mouth to speak, but your throat was so dry that your voice came out as a rasp. The nurse took notice and immediately filled up a cup of water from a nearby dispenser then brought it over to you.

“Thank you,” you said once you finished drinking.

“You’re welcome, dear,” she responded, taking the empty cup from your hand and setting it to the side. “How are you feeling?”

“Tired,” you answered her after thinking the question over. Aside from that and the pounding headache, you were also confused. You still didn’t know why you were in the hospital.

“It’s the pain medication. The drowsiness is one of its nasty side effects, but it does the job,” she spoke, giving you a gentle smile.

“It’s a good thing I can’t feel anything else right now because my head alone is killing me.”

With a nod, Sam then went on to check your vitals. Judging by her relaxed attitude, everything seemed to be just fine. She jotted down a couple of notes on her clipboard before her attention returned to you. “I’ll let your doctor know that you’re awake, but it’s really a miracle that you’re up right now.”

“Why do you say that?” You asked her curiously. “How long have I been out?”

“Three weeks, dear,” she informed you, much to your surprise. “You got into a pretty bad car crash. Don’t you remember?”

You shook your head slowly, a puzzled expression appearing on your face. “No, I don’t.”

Sam sighed, clicking her pen closed. Her smile suddenly fell, and it worried you. “I’ll fetch Dr. Henderson so that he could do a full evaluation on you.”

“Okay,” you told her as she fluffed the pillows behind your head and smoothed out your blanket. “Are my parents here?”

“Yes, they are,” she nodded her head. “Your father’s waiting right outside while your mother and your partner are downstairs at the canteen. Don’t worry, I’ll let them know that you’re awake. They could all probably use some good news right now.”

Sam’s smile returned, reassuring you one last time before she headed to the door. That’s when you realized what she had just said.

“Wait, excuse me,” you called out, and Sam stopped in her tracks. “I-I don’t have a partner. Not anymore, at least.”

She furrowed her brows as you stared at her quizzically. Maybe, she might have mistaken a family friend for one, but you weren’t sure. You had just broken up with your boyfriend a month ago, but for a good reason. He was an asshole who had made your life a living hell, and it wasn’t until recently did you find the courage to end the relationship. Because of that, you were fairly certain there was no way he would be here along with your parents.

“Sure, you do, honey. I mean, that’s who he introduced himself as,” Sam replied. “He never stops talking about you, and it’s very obvious that he loves you. Ever since you got here, he’s never left your side. You definitely got yourself a keeper.”

“But I don’t… that’s impossible,” you mumbled. Again your mind tried searching through your memories, but doing so only triggered a searing headache, making you groan out in pain.

“Darling, you need to relax,” Sam warned you. “You may be awake, but you’re still healing.”

Once the migraine passed, your eyes welled up in tears. It was frustrating to not know what was going on. It felt as though chaos was swirling inside of your head, and you couldn’t understand why it was happening.

“Shh, honey, it’s okay,” the nurse murmured softly, calming you down. “Do you want me to turn on the tv? Maybe you should watch something while I get the doctor in here. It can help ease your mind up a little.”

“Alright,” you muttered, and Sam plugged in the television, handing you the remote.

She excused herself shortly after as you surfed through the channels available, trying to find a show or a movie to distract yourself for the time being.

Coming across a live weather report, the broadcast had left you baffled. The reporter talked about the temperatures in Los Angeles this week, which was unusual since you were living on the other side of the country. Not to mention, the date shown on the graphic on the bottom of the screen was wrong.

July 11, 2020, it had read.

But wasn’t it the winter of 2015?

---

Keanu had gotten used to the stale taste of cafeteria food though he didn’t have that much of an appetite to begin with. He would usually order the day’s special, eat one or two bites of it before pushing it off to the side. He must have lost ten pounds already from skipping meals these past three weeks.

“Keanu, sweetheart,” your mother Nancy began, noticing that once again, he wasn’t eating. “Y/N needs you to be strong for her when she wakes up.”

Letting out a sigh, his eyes then flickered up to the woman sitting across from him, a slight frown on her lips. She was right, of course, but he just couldn’t help it. Every time he visited the hospital and saw your unconscious body, it was like a piece of him wilted away each day.

Truth be told, Keanu was much worse in the beginning than he was now. He had spent the first several nights sleeping in your room, or at least, he attempted to. It was difficult staying asleep when every night, he was forced to relive the night of your accident. Unfortunately, it would always end up the same way with you losing your life, and Keanu not being there at your side.

The media had caught wind of what had happened and made it much more stressful not only for Keanu but for your family as well. There would always be paparazzi waiting by the entrance of the hospital, ready to bombard him or your parents with invasive questions and take pictures of them. Security had done the best they could to keep them off the premises, and Keanu felt horrible for subjecting your parents to one of the downsides of fame.

But both your mother and father had been understanding, and they didn’t want Keanu to worry more than he needed to. If it weren’t for them, he would have never left the hospital for any reason. They had convinced him to go home each night, reassuring him the best they could that you would be there the next morning.

Keanu listened and did just that. He was able to get some sleep in as the nightmares started to die down. He would ride his motorcycle for hours on end to clear his mind, and it had been meditating. Slowly, he was getting much better dealing with the aftermath. Still, it was only the uncertainty of the situation that continued to perturb him.

“I know,” he whispered, rubbing his eyes. “It’s been hard, you know. For all us, I mean.”

Nancy nodded, setting down her fork on the tray and looking at Keanu sorrowfully. “I know my daughter, and she’s a fighter. I’m sure that she’ll get better, and it’s only a matter of time. But the last thing she would want is for you to get sick because of her. She wouldn’t like it if you stopped taking care of yourself, Keanu.”

“Yeah,” he agreed after pondering for a minute. “She wouldn’t like that.”

“Good,” Nancy smiled as she pushed her tray next to Keanu’s at the edge of the table. “The food here isn’t the best. Let’s go out and buy lunch somewhere else instead, hmm? My treat, and you can’t turn down free lunch.”

“No, ma’am. I can’t,” Keanu chuckled as he stacked the trays before getting out of his seat.

The two of them had reached the exit when your father Peter came running down the hall. His chest heaved heavily as if he had sprinted all the way from the fifth floor to the first.

“Peter, what on earth was that all about?” Nancy asked her husband as Keanu held him steady. “You know, there are elevators in this building.”

“It’s our baby girl. She’s awake,” Peter panted, his eyes filled with so much joy that Keanu could feel it radiating from him. “Y/N’s finally awake.”

---

“Are you sure, Keanu?” Peter questioned him as he stood in the middle of the doorway. “You’re practically family, I can tell the doctor that.”

“It’s okay, go,” Keanu waved him off with a smile before sitting down in one of the plastic chairs right outside of the room.

Dr. Henderson had just finished evaluating you but had asked to speak with your parents first. It seemed a bit of an unusual request, though he didn’t want to overthink it. He was okay with giving Nancy and Peter time with you first. They were your parents, after all.

As he sat there out in the hall, Keanu cracked a smile for the first time in weeks. The last three weeks had been hell for him, and he was ready to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Very soon, he would finally be able to see your open eyes and hear your sweet voice. Keanu was already coming up with what he was going to say once it’s his turn for him to see you, and he wanted the first words for you to hear from him was that he was sorry.

It took a while until Dr. Henderson stepped out of the room, leaving you with your parents. Keanu got up from his seat, a thank you ready to roll off his tongue until he noticed the solemn look on the doctor’s face.

Just before he could ask if something was wrong, Peter appeared from behind him, his hand coming to rest on Keanu’s shoulder, giving it a light squeeze.

“Son, we need to talk,” Peter spoke with a downcast gaze. “It’s about Y/N.”

Keanu eyed your father nervously as he gestured for the two of them to sit. “What is it? Is she okay?”

Peter released a deep breath before shaking his head. “She’s doing fine physically, but mentally, there’s something wrong.”

“What do you mean?”

“Retrograde amnesia,” Peter stated, glancing at the tile floors beneath his feet. “Dr. Henderson said that she needs to undergo tests to confirm it, but he thinks she’s likely suffering from it.”

“Amnesia?” Keanu’s voice faltered as the word fell from his lips. “What did she forget? The accident?”

“Yes,” he revealed, pausing for a brief second before continuing. “Y/N can’t recall the accident nor anything from the last five years. Not a single memory, Keanu.”

Five years? That meant… No, it couldn’t be.

“What’s the last thing she can remember?”

Peter looked at Keanu regretfully. “She remembers breaking up with her ex Eric and moving back with us. This was way back in—”

“February,” he finished, shutting his eyes as he felt his chest tightened. “That happened in February 2015.”

Keanu was at a loss for words. Here you were now, finally awake after spending weeks in a coma, only to have five years worth of your memories erased. He could only imagine how confused you must be not knowing what had happened. There had been a significant amount of changes in your life within that time frame—moving to LA, getting a new job, meeting Keanu.

The last part hurt him the most. You had forgotten him and all of the memories you had together. Right now, Keanu was nothing but a complete stranger to you, and thinking about it made his heart feel heavy. Of course, he wanted to be there to help, but at the same time, he didn’t want to overwhelm you. What if you didn’t want him around? What if you pushed him away?

Keanu glanced at Peter, the question slightly trembling out of his mouth. “Did the doctor say it was permanent?”

“He doesn’t know. There’s a chance that it could be temporary, and the memories would resurface later on. But, it could also end up being permanent.”

Leaning back against his seat, Keanu ran a hand over his face. The silence which followed gnawed at his insides as nausea churned in the pit of his empty stomach. “I’m a part of those memories she’s lost. She won’t remember the last five years we’ve spent together. Y/N won’t even recognize me if I walk in there.”

“Keanu?”

Nancy calling out his name caused him to glance up. She stood before him with red eyes, cheeks still stained with tears. “Do you want to see Y/N?”

The answer was obvious, but for some reason, he couldn’t bring himself to voice it out loud. “I-I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“Nonsense, dear. Perhaps all Y/N needs is to see you, and she’ll remember everything again,” Nancy suggested with fervent hope flashing across her face.

“Maybe,” Peter shrugged, sharing a glance between Keanu and his wife. “It’s up to you, son.”

Keanu didn’t want to be disappointed, but he needed to at least try. He was reminded of the promise he made on the night of the accident, that no matter what, he would never give up on you. Pushing aside his fears, he stood by the foot of your door and opened it before stepping over the threshold.

Instantly, his gaze met yours as you sat up from your bed. Seeing you awake made him feel so relieved, and he had to fight back the tears that were threatening to fall. All he wanted to do was cross the room and gather you into his arms, hoping his touch would bring back the memories you’ve forgotten. But Keanu decided against it, choosing to linger closely by the door instead.

“Y/N?” He spoke your name in a soft tone, waiting for any reaction to come.

A pause. From the hospital bed, you looked at Keanu with merely a blank stare, not even the slightest flicker of recognition showing in your unwavering eyes.

“I’m sorry, but... do I know you?” Your voice was barely above a whisper, but the room was silent enough for him to hear your words.

You should know him, but you don’t.

You don’t remember him at all.

Part 3

Tags: @penwieldingdreamer @fanficsrusz @toomanystoriessolittletime @awessomness @meetmeinthematinee

#keanu reeves #keanu reeves x reader #keanu reeves imagine #keanu reeves fanfic #keanu reeves x you #reader insert #my fics #rpf

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cilldaracailin · 5 years ago

Text

A Kind of Magic

Hey everyone. I am back with the squeal to Under Pressure. This story is also on AO3 and can be found here:https://archiveofourown.org/works/24097855/chapters/58006354

Hope you all enjoy it :)

“Never stop just because you feel defeated. The journey to the other side is attainable only after great suffering.”

“Can I get you anything to drink sir?”

“Just some water would be great, thank you.”

Taron carefully took the small plastic cup from the air hostess and thanked her again as he put it gently down on his tray table, slotting his elbows back into the small space he had as he sat in the middle seat of row twenty-seven on the flight, taking a painful breathe in as sudden turbulence jolted him in his tiny seat.

Inhaling through his nose and then out of his mouth, he moved his body so it was slightly more comfortable in the hard seat, resting his head on the back of his chair. It was a breathing technique he had learnt less than a week ago and he had put it to use many times since he had stepped on the airplane and the reason why he was on the airplane was because of the person who had taught him that breathing technique he was using.

Robyn.

That letter she left for him in the hospital has caused an emotion Taron hadn’t expected to experience and that was loss. After another long sleep helped with medication, he woke only to remember once again that he didn’t get to talk to Robyn before she left and with all the time he had to sit and think in the hospital bed, the more Taron realised that he was not only hurt by the conversation that never happen but at a loss by her sudden departure. He recalled a chat they had had in the store about Robyn needing to take a flight home but with the nightmare they had been through, he really didn’t expect her to go so suddenly. In a day or two perhaps but not a few hours after they had been rescued from the 7/11. He knew she had her own injuries too and having experienced her level-headedness many times throughout their time together in the store, when she made the decision to take her flight, Taron really didn’t believe Robyn was thinking clearly.

His time in the hospital hadn’t been as relaxing as the doctor told him it would be. The decrease in his pain medication on the Sunday night, really brought to light how sore he was and although the pain didn’t compare to anything he felt while sitting in the 7/11, his body ached, stiff muscles and joints feeling the twinge once he was brought to his feet. After his full day of sleeping straight through on Saturday, thanks to the medication he was given, Taron then found it impossible to switch his mind off and spent his time dozing rather than deeply sleeping and any time he did manage to comfortably sleep, he was woken up by doctors on their rounds and nurses checking his IV line. Doctor Hart had come back to see him on Sunday afternoon and did another complete examination of him, and was so pleased with his assessment that he took Taron off the monitor that screened his vitals as well as the oxygen. He left him with his IV as Taron was still finding it difficult to eat anything more than a few bites, though he was pleased to see that this patient was drinking fluids. With some initial help from Ruth, Taron had also managed to be get up and walk a little by Sunday evening, and although his movements were slow, he felt less restricted and by Tuesday could smoothly walk around and had walked as comfortably as he could with his injuries down to the hospital coffee shop with Richard.

Richard, who had to fly back to Chicago on Tuesday afternoon to finish filming, had come to visit him on the Sunday morning as he had promised the day before, bringing with him some clothes so Taron could get out of the hospital gown and change into more comfy sweatpants and a t-shirt and stayed with Taron to be his moral support as he made two important phone calls, one more so than the other.

First was his mam and he wasn’t afraid to admit that as soon as he heard her voice, he broke down and cried, his mam being the one to comfort him instead of the other way around, as it was his plan to reassure her because he knew she would have been worried sick at hearing he was in the hospital.

“Taron, love it’s ok.” Soothed Tina as she heard her son break down in a sob, that cut her to the core, even more so when she couldn’t be there to hug him. “Richard and Robyn have both spoken to me and I know everything love. I know what has happened and that you will be ok.”

It took a few minutes before Taron could actually get any words out and speak to his mam and once he started talking he couldn’t stop, needing to get everything that happened off his chest, his mam listening to every word and interrupting when needed to comfort her son. “It was so frightening mam. I have never felt a pain like it before and there was just blood everywhere.”

“I can only imagine Taron.”

“It was just so easy for that man to shoot off a gun and not think twice.”

“There are some idiots out there but you can’t focus on what happened in the 7/11. You need to look at the positives and the first one I can think of, is that you are here, alive and talking to me.”

“Mam I don’t even remember most of what happened to be honest. There are moments that are completely blank for me.”

“And that is why I am so relieved Robyn was there Taron. I can’t even bare to think about what would have happened to you if she wasn’t there.” It was Richard who had explained to Taron’s mam about how he was given CPR in the store, as per Robyn’s instructions in the letter she had left him, making sure Tina knew how quickly he was revived, more importantly how Taron was going to make a full recovery with no complications and it was information that had really shaken her, knowing she had nearly lost her son. Tina understood so much better now why Robyn had left out so many details of what had happened in the 7/11 when she had called her, the young woman knowing it was only when Tina spoke to her son for herself that she would believe he was ok.

Tina heard her son go quiet very quickly once she mentioned Robyn. “Taron? Taron what’s wrong.”

“Robyn’s gone mam.” He answered quietly.

“Wait, what do you mean gone? I was only speaking to her yesterday.”

“She has gone home. Back to Ireland.”

It was hard for Taron to explain why Robyn left because he didn’t know the answer and it was a surprise that was echoed in his mam’s reaction too. “I don’t understand Taron. She just went home?” Once Richard had spoken to Tina and actually explained what had happened in the 7/11, Tina was desperate to speak to the young woman who had saved her son’s life, particularly when the way she explained what she did for Taron as ‘simple first aid’ was nowhere near the truth. “I really wanted to, well no, I needed to speak to her again.”

“You and me both mam. She just left me a letter explaining that she was sorry and she had to go home.”

“Oh, Taron love.”

The conversation with his mam lasted nearly an hour and then another half hour while he spoke to his sisters, all of them finding it hard to say goodbye to each other, Taron needing another emotional pep talk from his family as tears quickly came to his eyes again as they said goodbye.

His second phone call was to Matthew, his director, who appeared in his hospital room on the Monday morning during visiting hours.

“Jesus Taron.” Was his first reaction when he walked into the room, seeing Taron on his feet as he walked back from the bathroom, wheeling his IV with him as he moved.

“Good to see you too Matthew.” Taron cringed as he sat on the bed. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

“Well I heard my lead actor had an accident. You look like absolute shit.”

“You didn’t need to fly out here.”

“Yes, I did. You are my friend first and foremost and I wanted to come and see you. Make sure you are ok.”

“I am going to be ok. I can actually walk by myself today and it hurts less to move”

“I’ve heard your look of lying on the floor of the 7/11 was worse than this.” Matthew sat on the chair beside the bed.

“I’ll live.” Replied Taron as he eased himself back onto the pillows behind his back.

“I have also heard rumours that you nearly didn’t.” Taron looked to his director from under his eye lashes. “So, it is true. Isn’t that something you think you should tell me.”

“Who were you talking too? My mam?”

“No Richard. I called him when you were quite sparse with the details of what had actually happened in the store. Why didn’t you bloody tell me you were given CPR Taron.”

“It’s not something I really like to talk about. It’s not good to dwell on the fact that you died for a minute.”

“Ahh shit Taron.” Taron couldn’t meet his eye. “What happened?”

“The doctor told me that the combination of all the injuries I had sustained and sitting in the store for over nine hours with no pain relief just caused my body to shut down.”

“Jesus Taron.” Matthew had no idea Taron had been through such horrific trauma. “The paramedics gave you CPR?”

He took his head. “There was a girl, well a woman… Robyn and she gave me CPR. Got me back breathing in under a minute.” Matthew sat back in his chair, running a hand over his face. “I am going to be ok. All my tests and results came back clear and the doctor is really happy with my recovery so far, quicker than he expected too. I have been up and walking around the ward and they plan on taking my IV out tomorrow. I was told I will be sore and tender for a few weeks and need to take it really easy.”

“CPR Taron, Jesus Christ. How did she not break your ribs?”

Taron shrugged his shoulders, regretting the simple movement as his left hand went to his right arm to soothe the twinge he felt from the wound there. “Doctor Hart was left puzzled too but it doesn’t mean she didn’t go hard.” Taron pulled up his grey t-shirt letting Matthew see the palm shaped bruises on the middle of his chest. “She went hard.” Repeated Taron as he pulled his t-shirt back down. It wasn’t until Taron took a shower that morning, one that was badly needed, that he saw the bruises on his chest from Robyn’s hands, bruises that hit home to him, just how important Robyn’s actions were. If Taron’s chest was sensitive and uncomfortable, he could only imagine the state of Robyn’s hands.

“She saved your life.” Taron nodded, his hand resting on his chest. “Well where is this woman. I would very much like to meet her.”

Taron lay back in the bed really not wanting to have this conversation again but with a calming breathe, he began to relay the story of ‘Robyn’.

Matthew left Taron with a hug and assurance that the filming of the movie had been suspended until Taron was back to full health and it was the way it was going to be, no matter how much Taron protested over it.

“Excuse me can I just get past you please? I need to stretch my legs.”

Taron was pulled from his memories and looked to the man sitting to his left. The downside to sitting in the middle of the row at the window, was having to move every time the passenger next to him needed to leave the seat and this was the third time since they had left the airport in South Carolina that the passenger to his right had wanted to get out of their seat. Gritting his teeth, Taron lifted his plastic cup of water, drank it down in one and then clicked his table back in and gingerly getting to his feet as his ribs protested at the quick movement, slid out of the row and into the aisle, allowing the customer to exit the row.

“Thank you.”

Taron gave him a nod and turned to the other passenger in the row. “I think I will have a stretch too.” He said using it as an excuse at not having to sit back down and then having to get back up again. He didn’t think he would able to hold in the groan if he had to get up and down twice in the space of five minutes and with his body already objecting to sitting so straight and so still for the last two hours, he thought maybe a walk would loosen his tight muscles.

Pulling his hat further down on his head he started to take slow steps down the skinny aisle. It was an overnight flight and the majority of the passengers on the flight were asleep, taking advantage of the low lighting and hum of the plane. Taron hadn’t properly slept in the last five days and couldn’t help but feel jealous of those who easily slumbered in their seat. It was actually his third flight and thankfully his last one before he landed in Dublin and the late-night flight would have him in Ireland at eight fifty am on Thursday morning.

However, it hadn’t been so easy as hopping on a plane. He had to fight his case with Doctor Hart to be discharged from the hospital four days earlier than planned.

“No Taron. Absolutely not.”

“Please just listen to me.”

“No Taron.”

“You told me that if I listen to the nurses and walk around you would discharge me.”

“Yes, at the end of the week, not today Tuesday. End of the week, Friday, probably even Saturday.”

Taron followed the doctor out of the door his room and to the nurse’s station. “I am not asking to be discharged today.” He said as the doctor stopped at the desk where Ruth was sitting. “I am asking to be discharged tomorrow.”

“For goodness sake Taron, are you trying to end up back in the hospital? You have only just come off the IV line.”

“I promise I will rest and take it easy but I need to go. I need to leave the hospital and I can’t do that until you discharge me.”

“And I am not going to do that Taron. I am sorry but even with your quick recovery, I won’t risk it.”

“Then write on the fucking papers that I understand the risks and let me go!” Shouted Taron, running his hands frustratedly through his hair, wincing as he brushed the dressing on his forehead.

“Taron…” Ruth stood up. “Hey, take it easy.”

Letting a sigh leave his lips, Taron looked to the Doctor. “I am sorry.” He said. “I am really sorry but I can’t stay here anymore. I can’t sit in that bloody room with my thoughts. I need to leave.”

“Taron, it’s four more days.” Replied the doctor. “I really want to be sure that you are not carrying any secondary injuries.”

“You told me I was clear on Sunday. You said you were amazed at how I had gotten to my feet so quickly, at how I adapted to the change in my pain relief.”

“And I am.”

“Then please let me go.” Begged Taron.

“Why are you so desperate to leave the hospital?”

“Robyn.” Answered Taron simply.

“Robyn? Sorry Taron you are going to have to explain that a bit better to me.”

He pulled the letter from the pocket of his sweatpants and pulled down the neck of his t-shirt. “These are the only two things I have from Robyn. A letter and some bruises. I cannot explain it, I don’t know how to explain it but all I know is that I feel empty, hurt and at a loss that this is all I have from the person who saved my life with no way to contact her.”

“You also have your life.” Chipped in Ruth. “You said you only have two things, but you have three. The letter, the bruises and your life.”

Doctor Hart looked impatiently to Ruth who shrugged her shoulders at him. “I don’t understand what any of this has to do with me discharging you early.”

“Ooh are we having a staff meeting?” Doctor Keane walked up. She was completing her rounds, when she heard raised voices at the nurse’s station and recognising one of those voices as Doctor Hart, went to see what was going on. She was surprised to see his patient standing beside him, looking frustrated and upset, even more surprised to see Taron on his feet as the last time she saw him, he was almost writhing in pain. “Hey Taron, it is good to see you on your feet. You look really well. Really well actually. What’s going on? Are you trying to raid the nurse’s chocolates?”

“He is asking to be discharged.” Scoffed Doctor Hart.

“What? Taron?”

“Robyn left.” Taron turned to the new doctor. “I mean the woman who…”

“… Gave you CPR. Yeah, I know her. I stitched her up.”

Taron had to double take. “You stitched her up.”

“Well yeah. I popped two stitches in her shoulder and examined her when you all came in from the 7/11.” Phoebe watched as the Taron’s eyes widened in surprise. “But you wouldn’t know any of this because she left and went home. Did you even get to see her before she left?” She watched as Taron shook his head, causing her to move forward and place a hand on his shoulder. “She took her flight home, didn’t she?” Taron nodded again, feeling that sadness he had been trying to keep at bay creeping into him. “Please tell me you are not going after her.” She was met with watery tired green eyes. “Taron…”

“Don’t.” He said talking two steps backwards so her hand fell from his shoulder. “Don’t ‘Taron’ me. I am not ashamed to say that I was shit scared in that 7/11 and there was one person there keeping me calm and together and that was Robyn. She never panicked. She never showed an ounce of fear and she didn’t think twice to helping when I was caught under that shelving unit. She held my hand for near five hours straight and she only let go to find a way, that I have learnt since, that risked her life so she could save mine and then she undertook something that I can’t even begin to comprehend because it causes my chest to tighten up and my stomach to turn and I haven’t been able to talk through my daunting emotions because the one person I needed desperately to talk to left. I am not going to go and do something stupid. I am not going back to work. I am going to go and find her; I need to find her.” The two doctors and the nurse watched as Taron took two breathes and closed his eyes as he tried to settle his emotions. “I cannot wait until Saturday.” He said his hands rubbing his eyes as he wiped unfallen tears away.

Doctor Keane looked to Ruth. “You got a spare chair back there Ruth.” The nurse nodded and the doctor walked around the desk of the nurse’s station and wheeled the chair around behind Taron. “Will you sit for me?” She asked him and held onto the chair as he carefully lowered himself into the soft leather, his head going straight into his hands, a wince filling his features with the movement. Phoebe could see the young man in front of her starting to crumble and she was nervous about him standing, much more comfortable when he was sitting down.

“Taron, look at me.” Doctor Keane knelt in front of him, placing two hands on his knees, feeling his legs shaking under her touch.

“Phoebe…” Started Doctor Hart but he stopped when he saw the look on Phoebe’s face. It was one he was used to seeing from his colleague when she was displeased.

“Taron, sweetheart, look at me.” Beautiful green eyes which were laden with grief and pain unwillingly looked at her. “Why do you need leave the hospital today? Why can’t you wait until Saturday? You know you were seriously hurt and although you are up and walking about and might feel a lot better than you did three days ago, your body is still healing and when we ask you to stay in the hospital, it is for a reason.”

“You looked after Robyn?” Asked Taron looking at the doctor and when she nodded, he continued. “Did she speak to you about what had happened?”

“To be honest, not really. I kind of had to drag it out of her. She was battling with a lot of emotions.”

“So after speaking with her, you can understand how I am feeing right now but the one person who properly understands what I am going through, the one person I needed to talk to and see when I woke up was gone and all that was left was a letter. I know you are all trained professionals and you have all taken such great care of me and helped me and I am so thankful to you all but please realise it is Robyn I am indebted too. It is Robyn’s solid presence I crave so I can get these building emotions under control because I feel like I am going to burst and as much as I need Robyn, it seems like she needs too. Richard and I have had the chance to talk about what has happened, but who has Robyn spoken too? I know we are strangers but I learnt one thing about Robyn as we were pushed together in such a horrific situation and that is, she is very stubborn.”

“Well that is something we can agree on. Robyn is a very determined young woman.”

Taron looked to the doctor. “I was breaking through those walls. She let me help her and I can’t explain how she helped me. I can’t form the words to describe what she did for me and if I am feeling so shaken and almost traumatised by what happened to us, imagine what Robyn is feeling. I need to talk to her. I need to see her. I just can’t wait until Saturday.” Taron placed his head into his hands again, trying to stop himself from breaking down in a flood of tears.

Doctor Keane turned to look at Doctor Hart and giving Taron’s knee a squeeze stood up and looked to Ruth who moved from her place at the nurse’s station to stand beside Taron as his body started to shake with effort he had just made to fight his case. It had taken a lot of energy which he didn’t have.

“No Phoebe. Don’t even start defending him. He is my patient.”

“And Robyn was mine.”

“She was nowhere as badly hurt as Taron was.”

“I don’t think that is something you can prove Steve. Just because Taron’s injuries are more visual than Robyn’s.”

“He was shot with a bullet.”

“And she gave him the CPR that saved his life and we both know it is the person who performs the CPR that is affected more and before the CPR came into play, wasn’t it Robyn who cleaned Taron up and stopped him from panicking. It would have been a very different outcome if she wasn’t there.”

“I understand all that Phoebe and I have met Robyn and saw that she was very vital to Taron’s condition when he arrived at the hospital. I saw her talk to him kindly before I brought him to the CT scan and believe me I know how she saved his life, I examined him but I just don’t feel comfortable letting him leave the hospital only four days after he was admitted, a day after coming off an IV line.”

“Steve, he’s not going to go and do anything reckless. He just wants to go and see the girl who saved his life. Don’t you agree with him when he says Robyn is the only one who understands what he has been through?”

“Of course I do.”

“Then shouldn’t we give them both the opportunity to heal their mental health too?”

“She chose to leave.”

“It wasn’t as easy as that for Robyn. Believe me. Her emotions were very raw too, just like Taron’s and while at the time she saw Taron as her responsibly, once he was in the hospital being cared for, she had her own responsibilities to think about and being a very sensible adult, she made a decision that was extremely hard for her. I have no doubt in my mind that Robyn wouldn’t have left if she didn’t have too.” Phoebe took Steve’s elbow and led him down the corridor a little. “They need to talk this through with each other. If he arrives at her door, do you honestly think she is going to turn him away?”

“He needs rest, not a reunion.”

“I am sure you have gathered by now that Taron is not from here and is working here, work that I am sure has been postponed until he is fully fit. He is not going to stay in America to rest, he will want to go home so he is going to have to take a flight where he will more than likely go to his apartment or house and be by himself…”

“… Or to his family.”

“Who have no idea what he is going through and I would like to point out that you have not argued with me on the ‘flight’ part of that sentence.” Doctor Keane continued before Doctor Hart could protest. “Surely he would be better off going to see the person he has been connected with in the most unusual way possible. There is no one else who Taron can talk to about this and I know for a fact, seeing as how I was the doctor who looked after Robyn that she desperately needs someone to talk to as well and that person should be Taron.”

“He wants to leave tomorrow Phoebe.”

“And?”

“And he has sustained some serious injuries.”

“And?”

“Phoebe!”

“For a man who has been shot, technically died and been through so much stress and anxiety in the last four days, he is still pretty resilient and you and I both know he will not give up that easily and as I speak, he proves my point. Here he comes.”

Taron couldn’t hear the conversation that was going on once the two doctors had moved away from him so even though Ruth tried to stop him, he got up from the chair and walked over to them.

“Look I am sorry for causing a fuss over this. I really don’t mean too. I just… I can’t… I don’t…” Taron stopped and took a shaky breath as he tried to think of what to say, taking another as words failed him. “The hurt, more than the physical hurt, is indescribable and intense and the only person who is going to help me get through this is Robyn and I truly believe that I can help her too. I promise I am not going to do anything that is more than getting a flight, seeing Robyn and sleeping a lot.”

Taron didn’t know if it was the private chat from the second doctor or his pleading but Doctor Hart agreed to discharge him the next day, with strict instructions that he was to rest, take the medication he was to be prescribed and if he felt faint, dizzy or short of breathe he had to go to the local doctor at once.

“Can I ask a favour though?” Chanced Taron talking more to the doctor who had looked after Robyn, feeling it was because of her that Doctor Hart had agreed to sign his discharge papers early. “I don’t know where she lives. I don’t even know her surname. Is there any way you can give me her address from the medical forms she had to fill in please? Or even a surname and I can try and find her myself.”

“That��s some serious breach of doctor and patient confidentially Taron.” Smiled Doctor Keane but without a second thought, walked to the nurse’s station and pulled out Robyn’s file. “Robyn Quinn, Poplar Road, Kilcreen, Co Kildare, Ireland.” She enjoyed the genuine smile that lit up his handsome features as she read out Robyn’s address to him and the unexpected hug he walked around the nurse’s station to give her too.

“You must promise me that you will look after yourself and Robyn too.” She said as she gently hugged him back.

Taron thought he was going to have a tougher battle on his hands when he called his mam to tell her that he wasn’t actually going home to Wales but rather to Ireland but Tina, who desperately wanted to see her son and hug him tight, supported his decision completely.

“Do not apologise to me Taron. Of course, you know I would rather you came home but I also understand this is something you have to do. You need to mentally heal after what you have been through and as much I would love to be that person to help you do that, I know it can’t be and I agree with you, Robyn needs this as much as you do.”

It was his mam who helped him to book the flights over the phone there and then but unfortunately as it was coming to the end of the summer season and most flights were fully booked, the only way to get to Ireland was by taking three flights. One from Tampa to Orlando, Orlando to South Carolina and then South Carolina to Dublin. It was a trip that would take about twenty hours with layovers included but it was his quickest option to get to Robyn so he took it without question.

Richard had already dropped his duffle bag off to him when they had said goodbye to each other Tuesday afternoon, Richards own work commitments meaning he had to leave his friend and Taron was so thankful for Richard when he opened the bag to see brand new t-shirts and jeans in his duffle as well as a peaked hat, some hoodies and a packet of turtles. Taron had only packed shorts and light t-shirts for the weather in Florida. He had already confessed to Richard that he was planning to go and find Robyn when they had a coffee yesterday morning and instead of telling his friend he was stupid, Richard told him he would bring his bag to him, filling it with new clothes, giving him a very supportive hug before he left.

Taron passed by the air hostesses as he walked down the aisle, giving them a smile as he kept going towards the front of the plane, the walking helping a little to relax tired muscles. With the flight being booked so last minute, Taron could only take whatever seat was available to him. He wasn’t bothered by travelling first class or anything like that but really would have liked to have gotten a window seat for the longer flight to Dublin but unfortunately was stuck in the middle for each flight and it was hard having no space either side of him to stretch or move a little and sitting in the middle meant there was not a chance of getting some sleep. He was thinking about using his table as a pillow but figured he would end up regretting staying in that position for too long, so he sat with his hat pulled down low, his eyes closed. He had already taken his pain killer before he got on the plane and it was helping to take the edge of the more severe pain he felt but as he walked up the aisle, each step caused a ripple of discomfort through his side and head.

Taron turned and started to walk back down toward the back of the plane and his seat. Right now, he may have been on the plane on his way to Ireland, but once he got there, he was at a loss of what to do next. It was a rush of booking flights, getting prescriptions filled and completing final examinations so Doctor Hart was absolutely sure he was happy to discharge Taron and he had left the hospital just before six that morning to get to the airport so once he got off the plane in Dublin, he actually didn’t have a plan for what to do next.

He had Robyn’s name and address and that was it and would figure out the rest when he landed. He reached his seat and apologised as the passenger at the end who had to get up to let him back into his seat which he carefully shuffled into, easing himself down. He clicked his seatbelt back in and leaned his head against the chair, closing his eyes and ignored the butterflies in his stomach.

#Taron Egerton #Taron Egerton Fanfiction #Taron Egerton Fanfic #Taron fanfic #Angst #friendship #loyalty #sequel #love fanfiction #determination

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nevertellmetheodds2017 · 5 years ago

Text

sorry for the interruption

So, just a few hours after I said “nothing much to report” .... my fevers spiked high, I started feeling really sore and having deep bone pain. No es bueno. It was a crappy afternoon, then I took all my meds and sort of slept through that night but Sunday was miserable. I was essentially bedbound for Sunday & Monday, & part of Tues which would have been maybe fine if there was an actual comfortable bed position but nope. Nothing I tried felt good, not heat, not cold, not propping, not flat, not prone, not supine, not lateral recumbent, nothing. Sitting, standing, walking were all big NOPE. Sleeping became difficult also. I couldn’t really distract myself with tv or music or anything because of the pain. Speaking of pain, some humor from Hyperbole and a Half:

“You've probably seen some version of that chart before. You may also have noticed how inadequate it is at helping you. Based on the faces, this is my interpretation of the chart: 0: Haha! I'm not wearing any pants! 2: Awesome! Someone just offered me a free hot dog! 4: Huh. I never knew that about giraffes. 6: I'm sorry about your cat, but can we talk about something else now? I'm bored. 8: The ice cream I bought barely has any cookie dough chunks in it. This is not what I expected and I am disappointed. 10:You hurt my feelings and now I'm crying! None of that is medically useful and it doesn't even have all the numbers, so I made a better one with all the numbers:

0: Hi. I am not experiencing any pain at all. I don't know why I'm even here. 1: I am completely unsure whether I am experiencing pain or itching or maybe I just have a bad taste in my mouth. 2: I probably just need a Band Aid. 3: This is distressing. I don't want this to be happening to me at all. 4: My pain is not fucking around. 5: Why is this happening to me?? 6: Ow. Okay, my pain is super legit now. 7: I see Jesus coming for me and I'm scared. 8: I am experiencing a disturbing amount of pain. I might actually be dying. Please help. 9: I am almost definitely dying. 10: I am actively being mauled by a bear. 11: Blood is going to explode out of my face at any moment. Too Serious For Numbers: You probably have ebola. It appears that you may also be suffering from Stigmata and/or pinkeye.” Original from Allie McBosh & why her pain scale is not used in every medical setting is beyond me. Also once you see the ‘haha I’m not wearing any pants’ on our pain scales you can’t unsee it and you giggle if a patient chooses that number....

And now, back to our story. This was my treatment without prednisone & it is quite likely that the pred had been holding some of that pain at bay in previous treatments. My MO thinks it was the atezolizumab - the very fancy immunotherapy which costs $$$ - that is the culprit, more than the taxol. Taxol causes a bit muscle and bone pain but not at this scale. Atezo meanwhile likes to do that. And it does it randomly, so next treatment might have not much pain or same, or completely different symptoms. Because it does crazy things to the immune system, any of the autoimmune system disease symptoms can appear. I wonder if Atezo affects women differently from men, since women are more prone to auto immune diseases (one theory is that the second X is interfering/amplifying certain immune responses)

Anyway. Tuesday I was able to make myself some tofu french toast but my legs were so weak that I had to grab a chair and finish cooking sitting down. I thought I was so proud of ticking that ADL (activities of daily living for nursing care) task that I took a photo of it but I must have imagined that because I have no photo. But I made it! My poor jello legs. I have muscle atrophy already and 3 days in bed w/ almost no activity barring bathroom visits and flopping around the bed just made everything worse. But every day is a bit better. On Wednesday I had blood work and a visit with my trial nurse (which involve a fair bit of walking through clinics) and then the MO gave me a scrip for hydrormorphone. And then she warned me that if it is Atezo pain, this might not work & then she’ll think about next options. Anyway, my blood work was ok and I had treatment yesterday. It’s Day 8 of Cycle 3 so taxol only. I got the choice of a bed or chair this time & I picked the bed thinking it would be more convenient for icing but it sort of wasn’t. On the one hand there is more room and I can spread stuff out, but on the other hand, reaching the cooler was more cumbersome. Also, the IV infiltrated, ie, poked out through the vein. Thankfully it was an infiltration during a saline flush and not extravasation during any meds because THAT is a way bigger deal. My nurse extra gowns and gloves to hang my taxol because yeah, it’s poison. It was a bit wonky to start with; it was low on the wrist & I had to hold my wrist in a specific position or it would sting so I wonder if it blew out the back during insertion. My veins are super scarred from chemo now and the wrist ones are tiny as it is. I think I really blew it though because when I’m trying to get my icing packs on I end up bending it. My nurse needed to re-site the IV and from then on I was trying to put stuff on one handed. I have some ideas for how to make it work more easily next week. Here I am in my chemo bed. So thrilled, lol.

Today is the day after chemo. The dexamethasone IV from yesterday is still in my system and I’ve been puttering around for hours. I’m being careful to take it easy though & not overdo my cycle day 2. No zumba for me. No Zumba for Al either - she’s officially an RN at Fraser Health and is at a workshop today. So proud of her. She’ll be working on a surgical unit and is on a list for PACU training in the upcoming months. With all the elective surgeries being rebooked, surgical units will start being busy and we are of course hoping that they stay COVID free on the surgical wards.

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purplesurveys · 5 years ago

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631

General Randomness What's the weather like right now? It’s very bright and sunny out, but January is typically one of the colder days of the year so I’m not feeling uncomfortable right now. It’s the perfectly chilly temperature I would have liked to have all year long. What are you currently sitting on? I am sitting on a chair at our dining table, which is usually where I take surveys. How many times have you brushed your teeth today? Just once.

When did you get up? I’ve been up since 8, but didn’t get out of bed until 10.

Have you been in a vehicle for more than 45 minutes today? I haven’t been in a car at all today cos I’ve only stayed home. Angela invited me to go out for some drinks but I didn’t feel like drinking or being out today, so I’ve been home the whole time.

Where is your best friend? I think Angela is at home but I’m sure she’s getting ready to go out for the aforementioned ^ drinking. I’m not sure where Gab is. How many days until Christmas? Oh wow, barely missed it, chief. There are 355ish days left, I’m guessing? Have you kissed someone today? Nope. Is your mom over 50? No, and she still has a year to go. How old were you 7 years ago? I was technically 14, but was about to turn 15 in a few months. Do you know what 'C'est la vie' means? Yep. In Gen Z lingo, it essentially means, ‘it be like that sometimes’ lmao. Do you usually take showers or baths? Showers, because we don’t have bathtubs and also because I find it much more efficient anyway. I only take baths when I’m out of town, in a fancy hotel, and want to pamper myself with bubbles and fancy body wash. What kind of bottoms are you wearing right now? I’m wearing shorts just meant for the home.

Are you wearing anything red? Yes, the pair of shorts I just talked about. What was the name of your first pet? I didn’t keep track of my first goldfish’s name but a good guess would be Goldie. I wasn’t a very creative kid, so I wouldn’t be surprised if that turned out to be right. Do you live in an apartment? Nope. I’ve been living with my parents under their roof. What color is the floor in the room you're in? Cream-ish. What was the most irritating thing to happen to you today? My thesis professor being a headache to talk to. I am genuinely baffled at how she was able to secure a very high position in my university’s administration, considering how erratic she can get. How do you feel about your most recent ex? She’s great. Do you wish at 11:11? No. Do you wish on shooting stars? I would, if they often visited on this side of the world. But they don’t, so. Do you wish on dandelions? No. There aren’t a lot where I live. Are you drinking anything right now? Mmm no, not at the moment. I finished my coffee a little while ago and while I want to make a second cup to keep myself awake, I have an early morning tomorrow so I’d want to sleep early tonight. It’s back to work for me, ugh. About how tall is your father? Not too tall. He’s like, 5′5 or 5′6. How old is your oldest living grandparent? I only know the age of one grandparent, and that’s my 73 year old maternal grandmother. I don’t get to see my paternal grandparents a lot cos they live quite far, so with that comes my insufficient knowledge about them. Do you know anyone who has lived to be 100+? Gab’s great-grandmother, but she passed away last November. Have you had your birthday yet this year? Nope. There’s been a mere three days into the year, so very few people would already have had their birthdays hahaha. Do you read your horoscope on a regular basis? No. You do you, but I was never a fan. It’s also a pet peeve when people use their star sign as excuses for their shitty behavior. “Sorry I acted up, I’m a Scorpio,” “I hate everybody because I’m an Aquarius,” “I ghosted them because I’m a Cancer” no it’s because you’re a bitch, Karen. Do you like the color yellow? I hate it a bit less than green (my least favorite color) only because I love the song Yellow by Coldplay and because mustard yellow isn’t that bad of a color. Are you an aunt or uncle? If my friends start having kids soon, then I’ll be an aunt. Why is your best friend your best friend? They both understand my weirdness and all my quirks and never made me feel like I was being judged. What is your hair like at the moment? Tbh it matches my top pretty well so as frizzy as my hair is at the moment, it still looks good with the tank top I have on lolol. How many times have you donated blood this year? Zero. I’m scared of needles, and even if I get over that phobia I wouldn’t be able to donate anyway because I’m underweight. Are you wearing any jewelry? No, not right now. Are you a video-gamer? I wouldn’t call myself that. I play GTA just to be a law-abiding citizen and not actually do the missions lol, I get tired of playing The Sims after ten minutes, and I only play a handful of Nintendo games. Who got married at the last wedding you went to? My mom’s brother and his then-fiancee, now one of my favorite aunts except for the facts that she’s a hardcore Duterte supporter and Marcos apologist. Do you like Chinese food? Yep, it’s one of my favorite cuisines. How far is the nearest Walmart? I can’t walk nor drive to it, that’s for sure. Have you ever been a designated driver? I’m always DD by default because I’m the only one among my friends who has a car other than JM, who also has a (much bigger) car but is terribly low-tolerance and will absolutely pass out. I get tipsy easily as well, but I sober up real quick and always make sure I’m 100% back to reality by the time I drive. Which means that I typically have to stop drinking earlier than the rest of my friends, but so long as that means I get to take everyone back home safe, it’s okay with me. What is something that always brings tears to your eyes? My mom yelling at me. Who is your 20th phone contact? My contacts aren’t numbered thus I’m too lazy to count manually. Do you have any plans to get a tattoo? It’s not completely off the table, but I’ve definitely toned down my original plans of getting tattoo sleeves and getting myself generally covered a la CM Punk (and I have to tell ya, I’m so glad I grew out of that phase). These days I prefer to have small tattoos to memorialize significant people or events, and some of my plans include my dog’s pawprint and a plate of nachos. Or a new piercing? Probably not. What would your name be if your last name was the color of your shirt? Brown. If you could find out how you would die, would you want to know? Yes. I hate the unknown and would rather be certain, no matter how ugly or nasty the certainty holds. Do you make your bed regularly? Every morning. Do you look forward to the weekend? NO. I have a 2-day meeting for my 2-day weekend. I am so dreading it. I just want to stay a lazy couch blob for another week. How much do you know about the mechanics of cars? I know how to turn a car on, go forward, reverse, brake, and open my gas tank... and that’s about it. Has anyone ever told you you should be a model? Model and beauty queen, yeah. How old was your mom when she had you? She was 26, but was turning 27 that year. Do rainy days get you down? No. I thrive on rainy days lmao. Who is the artist/band you're listening to at the moment? No music keeping me company at the moment. Do you ever take aspirin when you 'feel a headache coming on'? Not aspirin but I take a Biogesic. I dunno if those two or the same thing or not. Is there a calendar in the room you're in? Nope. Do you prefer to be in a relationship or be single? I’ve been seeing a person for technically six years, so now I prefer a relationship after being accustomed to having one for so long. If you're single, do you wish you were in a relationship? Have you ever had your heart broken? Sure. Do you live within an hour of the beach? No. I’m very far away from the beach :( How do you like your steak? Rare or medium-rare. Were you born in the 1980s? I was not. A Few Firsts What was the first sound you heard when you woke up? I woke up to the sound of my mom calling me on my phone. I was half-asleep and didn’t feel like answering, so I muted it and went back to sleep. I feel guilty now that I remember, but she didn’t call back or text me so it probably wasn’t a big deal. Who was your first best friend? It was a girl named Kaye from kinder. We were good friends for like two years, and then we got sorted to different sections in Prep and drifted apart after that. Who was your first boyfriend/girlfriend? I’ve said her name so many times on these surveys already. Y’all know. Who was your first date to a formal dance? I haaaateeeeed the idea of asking guys out and being in a relationship for most of high school, so I made sure I only asked my cousin for my prom. How bad was your first break up? Pretty messed up. There was a lot of tension and resentment and confusion in the beginning. Throw in my grandfather’s sudden death and me taking the UPCAT, and you have my mental health completely rattled! What was your first favorite movie? High School Musical, for sure. How old were you when you had your first kiss? 16. What was your first trip to the emergency room for? My platelet count was really low, I was in danger of getting dengue, and had to stay the night at the hospital. Then there was sticking the IV onto my wrist, upon which I made a complete scene in the emergency room and thrashed and kicked around while my (very frail) grandma (sorry, Lola) tried to hold me down with a lot of patients watching lol. Where was the first place you went today? The kitchen. Who was the first person you saw? My sister, I think. What was the first thing you thought about when you woke up? I wondered why my mom called, realized I was too sleepy to care, and went back to bed. Do you remember the first time you spent the night away from home? Yupppp. I was in third grade, my club had an overnight camping thingy as its culmination activity, and it was the first time ever that I was allowed to spend the night somewhere else. I remember being around a campfire, roasting marshmallows for the first time, having to share a sleeping mat with Katreen, and her kicking me in her sleep.

Where was your first big vacation to? Boracay. What was your first job? None yet. I’ll make sure to update you by the end of the year. What was the first thing you had to drink today? Coffee.

Some Lasts Where was the location of your last kiss? My girlfriend’s car, when she dropped me back at my place. How old was the last person you kissed? 21. What was the last movie you rented? I’ve never experienced renting a movie, which definitely confirms my status as a Gen Z kid lmao. But I can tell you that the last movie I watched was Knives Out. Where was the last place you went? Other than around my house, we went to church last Tuesday night for New Year’s Eve mass. What was the last restaurant you went to? Yabu. Who was the last person to call you? My mom, this morning. Who was the last non-relative you spoke in person to? Gabie. What was the last thing you bought? I got dinner from Yabu, haha. When was the last time you drove more than an hour somewhere? December 14th. That evening was INSANE. It was Saturday + Christmas traffic, and it took me two hours to travel from Antipolo to Rita’s place in Makati. JM and I drove separately cos we were a big group - his drive took FOUR hours. Why did you last get angry? My thesis prof was doing us so fucking dirty and I couldn’t do anything about it. What color was the last vehicle you rode in? Blue-green. How long ago was your last birthday? NIne months. When did it last rain? It drizzled a little bit yesterday. What was the age difference between you and your most recent ex? A month and a half. When was the last time you used a dictionary? Maybe an hour ago for a word I used in a past survey lol. Mini iPod Shuffle: Don't Cheat, Use Whatever Song Comes Up, No Matter How Ridiculous (I have several playlists, so I’ll just use the Spotify-curated playlist made for Gab’s account called Your Top Songs 2019 hahahaha) My love song: Love song - Lana Del Rey (Wow.) My fight song: Swim Against the Tide - The Japanese House My break-up song: New Light - John Mayer The song for when I'm sad: Money - Leikeli47 The song for when I'm angry: Constant Conversations - Passion Pit My song to have sex to: Bad Girls - Tennis The song about my ex: Just the Same But Brand New - St. Vincent The song about my best friend: Juice - LIZZO The song about my crush: Seventeen - no rome My 'feel good' song: Venice Bitch - Lana Del Rey The theme song of my life: Formation - Beyoncé I literally know four of these songs, which I’ve since bolded just so y’all know that I have no idea what the other seven songs are and if they make sense with the situations at hand. Gab clearly uses her account more than I do, which should be the case anyway lmfaoooooo.

#survey #surveys

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crystalinn · 5 years ago

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I haven’t posted about this here yet, but boy howdy has my life been A Mess™️ of late.

TW: medical talk, high stress situations, mentions of blood under the cut

This is a very long post, so a mild TL;DR: ma’s sick and this is me for eternity now (loud noises in video):

youtube

Picture it. November 10th (ish. Time is hard.). The motherbeast came down with a case of viral bronchitis. She got a few days off work to recover.

A couple days pass. She went back to work. Her manager sent her in the cooler for two hours.

An immediate downturn ft. a fall out of bed that took 45 minutes to fix, heavy panting, confusion, the whole lot. She went to the Express ER. They said “oh hey, your viral bronchitis has become full blown pneumonia. You’re goin’ to the Real Hospital™️ for two days. See if you respond well.” Turns out, she did, at first.

About a week or two of what seemed like solid improvement all came crashing back down when her return to work arrived. She went back to work... or tried to. She went to step onto the curb and gravity said no. She faceplanted the pavement, and the ambulance was called. A thorough concussion check later, and her manager drove her and her truck home. The next day, she went back to the Express ER, and they said “oh shit, your lung xray is worse than last time. Back to the Hospital for you.”

That stay was nine days long. She was tested for tuberculosis (which came back negative, thankfully), and had a PICC line installed. During said stay, she did get rather confused and agitated, as it was near the end of the month and the rent needed paid. She called me in the middle of the night, asking me to move her IV... despite me being at home. So that was a thing.

After she came home on the 4th of this month (December), I had to start administering her PICC line antibiotics, every 8 hours. Did y’all know that cefepime (a bigboi antibiotic) smells like someone doing unholy things to eggs? Sulfuric smelling bullshit, that. Had some hiccups there, what with massive air bubbles in the line and getting the infusion orb stuck on the line. We were supposed to be done the 25th. Then she went to her new primary care doctor, and it was extended to the 6th of January, which h.

Anyway, fast forward to the 23rd. Mum was out with a pal, getting some groceries, and some Miralax ‘cause... y’know, and she fell on her ass. At this point, falling down is like a glowing neon red flag. She came home, was a bit wobbly, but was generally okay. Her primary care doctor called after the home health nurses stole some blood to tell her that her potassium levels are critical. A friend/my ‘adopted’ brotherbeast, Frank, brought her a fuckton of bananas that night.

Now this is where it gets real fuckin’ spicy. The morning of the 24th, after we get done with the 7am orb, I gave her a dose of Miralax. She was fine, until the 3pm orb, when severe gut cramps showed up. Those lasted until about midnight when things... moved along. After that, shit went downhill fast. I put her to bed after orb times at 11 pm, and she kept waking up. As time went on, she got more and more confused. Like, she knew general things, in a kinda slow way, but she could not follow directions. On the morning of the 25th (fucking Christmas.), things had reached its boiling point. She was very confused, unable to focus, slurring words. I rang up a friend, Sandy (who has been a massive help this whole time of Fuckery), to get her to the ER. This triggered a complete meltdown. It took both of us to get her out of her chair, not to mention the sudden burst of confused crying and begging not to go.

We finally managed to get her there, and the ER’s like “yo this looks like a stroke, so we’re gonna keep her, do an MRI or three, and get back to you.” Turns out she was very dehydrated, currently has a UTI, and is still a bit... shall we say, fucked up. But, the MRI came out clean, but there was some issue with the PICC with like, a blood clot, but they cleaned it out, so they let her go on the 26th.

But just wait for it... I put her to bed pretty much as soon as she got home, ‘cause she doesn’t sleep in the hospital. Makes sense, right? I went to check on her at about 8, and she was unable to really comply with requests/commands/questions. I’d ask “what’s your name?”, I’d get her name (most of the time), but when I’d ask “when’s your birthday?”, I’d get her name again. Or the fact she lost her PICC line cap, and I’d ask her to hold the newly sterilized port so it wouldn’t touch anything, she’d say okay, take it, and immediately drop it. Repeatedly.

I broke down whilst on the phone with my dad because everything has been too much of late, and eventually put her back to bed to wait for the 11pm orb.

11pm rolled around... and well. I couldn’t get her to wake up. She’d react to me poking and prodding her by making noise and moving away, but she would not wake up. Not properly. So, I called the on call home health nurse to see if she could help, and she pretty much told me to just call an ambulance. Not wanting the expense because I live in Hell the US, I called my dad. He helped me try to wake her up over the phone, but she flat refused. I was left with no choice. So, I called the ambulance, and just before they knocked on the door, she sat up like “huh?” but extra confused. She almost didn’t go to the hospital because she said “nah, I don’t want to go” but one of the EMTs was like “nah, you gotta go.”

So, she spent about 8 hours in the ER, and they told me that they can’t keep her since she was mostly lucid, but they did float an Idea (a skilled nursing facility, at least until she got her ducks in a row) to her that was immediately denied, but with some prodding from me, she finally agreed. So they moved her upstairs from the ER to keep her until they can find a facility in the Blue Cross/Blue Shield network that’s reasonably local. The one that came to visit yesterday turned out to not be, and I’m pretty sure the dude kicked it back to the Case Supervisor to see if they can find another. But, after they moved her into her room, she’s cleared up quite a bit.

She’s still a bit slow on the uptake sometimes, a bit unfocused, and can get caught out in the grapes mentally, but she has improved a lot.

Oh, and another thing she’s been doing is fighting me re: eating since the first go around. Bread’s a texture issue, rice is hard to eat without teeth, and everything else “smells bad” (which, since she’s quit smoking as of that second hospital stay... I understand, but you gotta sometimes push past that.) I did manage bananas though. Thank fuck for those.

But, back to the plot: today (the 28th) was a decent day. Much clearer, less starts and stops in her speech. A bit more focused. She didn’t manage to sleep last night, so she was kinda tired. Had another MRI, but we won’t know about that until probably tomorrow (the 29th). Maybe. Had some PICC issues, though. The nurse got the cefepime running just fine, then mum had to use the bathroom, and when she came out, the machine started screaming bloody murder. After that, the nurse came back and tried to flush the line, since the cefepime was unable to run, and when she took the syringe off, the saline shot right back out... which ain’t supposed to happen. Hit me, the nurse, mum, the bed... probably got the windows too. So they’re working on that, and hopefully they figure it out.

Had my own woes at the hospital today, too. The sole of my boot fell off, so my ride/friend/adopted sister?, Sandy, went to walmart and got me some Heavy Duty Superglue, which I got it about half way stuck before we had to leave... then when we were pulling into the parking lot at home, the nurse in charge called to ask some questions about the PICC, the antibiotic, how long it’d been there, how long she was supposed to be on it, the pharmacy’s number, all that. So I went to get out of the car, my coke bottle fell out of my pocket, started rolling under the car, and I overextended. Fell right on my knees. They are not happy. Took a hot minute to get my dumb ass off the ground, without hurting Sandy, who is like 5′2″ and v smol. I am 5′6″ and... decidedly not. Plus the bonus rain.

UPDATE 12/29/2019: the diverticulitis has made a reappearance. It’s like everything is just It’s free real estate.

UPDATE 12/31/2019: Around 2 am this morning, she managed to roll out of bed and whack her head pretty good on something. They did a CT scan, and it came out clean. No concussion. However, now she has a sitter/keeper/minder to make sure she doesn’t do it again. It’s a good thing the nurses heard her fall, ‘cause despite being armed, the bed alarm didn’t go off. I know of all of this, ‘cause the hospital called me at 3 this morning, and boy howdy that’s a gut drop, let me tell you. But, better a CT ride and a bump on her noggin vs. the alternative. Sure is one thing after a-fucking-nother, ain’t it though.

UPDATE 1/1/2020: 2019 keep your problems challenge: she's had a major mental shift again, and now she's really groggy, really confused... So the hospital moved her to the ICU and called me for consent on a spinal tap, just to make sure they're not missing anything. Other than that, they've done x-rays and another CT, I think to check her spine, hips, the one leg she's been having issues with. The doctors also think that it may be the cefepime causing this altered mental state, and after doing some digging, boy howdy I sure believe it. Cephalosporins are some nasty fuckers.

So! That’s been my month and a half! I’d like to take a break now, please!

EDIT: Further updates found here.

#medical tw //#high stress situations tw //#mentions of blood //#honestly this is more of a log for me in a more concrete area than discord #but if anyone's interested in the Fuckening that is my life rn #have at it

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itisannak · 6 years ago

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Gotta get out (5sos Angst Imagine)

Summary: (Y/N) was in The World Trade Center on 9/11. Based on the song 'Gotta Get Out' by 5 seconds of Summer (Angst / TW content) (Request: gracie-joy) I decided not to make the story for a specific guy, nor turn this into a preference, since I would be devastated after writing 4 different parts based on this song. I left it blank, so you can imagine whoever is your favorite. (Words: 1.1k)

It all happened in the flash of a moment. Within a minute, from working quietly on my desk, I was found in a panic, people around me screaming and running to save themselves. In the beginning, I didn't realize what was happening, until I suddenly fell like the floor below me was crumbling, like the whole building was diving down.

Soon, the floor above was collapsing on top of us, before we could even evacuate the place. I remember myself closing my eyes, curling under the nearest desk in an effort to protect me. I knew it was fruitless, that I could never make it out of a collapsing building. But the image of his face popped in my head; peaceful, serene. I knew I couldn't get out of here, but I also knew that God wouldn't let me go without one last goodbye to him. I had to get out of there, I had to make it home to him. I hoped to, I wish to, so I refused to let go. For as long as I could. I refused to believe that my last words to the person I love with every power within me were words exchanged in a fight. If I could just get back to last night... If I could just take back what I said... If I could just come to work the time I was supposed to, and not earlier. I would change it in a heartbeat. I can't imagine him if anything happened to me. Would he be sad, angry, devastated? Would he move on easily after it? For as long as I was conscious, the only thing in my mind was him. If I make it out of here, I will make things right. And that was my last thought.

When my eyes open again, the only thing I can see is brightness. Bright, white light surrounding everything. I can't move, no matter how hard I try to wiggle my fingers. I blink, trying to accommodate the light I am seeing. Am I dead?

Is this the afterlife? I can't be dead. No, I refuse to. I can't be dead. I try to move. I put everything into that. I blink rapidly. "Ma'am... Ma'am, please stay still." I hear a voice say. I turn my head to locate the sound, my eyes landing on a lady dressed in scrubs and a medical romp. I try to speak, but there is something blocking the voice coming out of my mouth. "Ma'am, I know it is confusing, please try to take this easy." The lady places a hand on my shoulder in an effort to give me some comfort. "I'll call the doctor." She smiles at me before she leaves.

The day goes by with multiple visits by multiple doctors. They say my vitals look better. They say I was lucky. One of the lucky ones. I feel my body constantly going in and out of consciousness. The doctors say that it is normal, it is one of the body's responses to trauma. And even though I want to fall asleep, my mind keeps on forming his face. I can see him vividly, smiling, his characteristics forming before me. I don't know if he is aware I am here. I don't know if he knows about the events of that day. "Nurse?" I ask weakly, immediately gaining her attention. "Is everything alright?" She asks me, smiling at me. "Did anyone come to see me? All those days, did anyone visit, or ask for me?" I ask. She smiles again nodding her head. "There is a guy outside. He has practically camped in the waiting room all these days. We asked him if he wants to come and see you, but he replied that he didn't know if you would want him in here." She replies, bringing a smile to my face. "Can you tell him that I asked for him?" I ask her and she nods. "Once I am done changing your IV." She responds, going back to her duty.

The moments it takes for him to walk in the room pass by like an eternity. I feel jittery, anxious about his reaction when he will see me. I haven't look at myself in the mirror, but I know that there is no chance I look decent after that fall, after being covered in debris. "Hi." I hear his voice. It feels soothing, taking every pain away for a moment. "Hi." I smile, my voice coming out in a very weak tone. He walks next to me, taking the chair that is resting next to my bed as close as he can to me. His hand travels to take mine in his. Without another word, he starts crying, sobbing as his hands cover his face. "Hey... I know I don't look as good, but I am not that hideous." I chuckle, trying to lighten the mood. "I thought I lost you. First when we had that fight. And then when I saw the news... I thought... I thought you were... I thought you were..." "Dead. But I am not. I am here. I had to get out of there." I say, reaching to take his hand. "Those days that you were unconscious were the worst of my life." He says. He looks at me with eyes red from tears. "I can tell. You look exhausted." I state and he nods. "I don't know what I would do if you didn't make it." He admits, pressing his lips to the back of my hand. "I knew that. That was the only thing in my mind during those moments. I had to get out of there. For you. For us. I had to get out of there alive and tell you how sorry I am we had a fight, that I didn't mean all the things I said." I say in a rush. He rubs his thumb over my hand and shushes me. "Easy... Easy... We have all the time ahead of us to talk about all that stuff. I am not letting you go anywhere." He smiles at me, even though his eyes are still tearing up. "Is that a promise?" I ask, smiling back. "One that I intend to keep." He says, leaning close to peck on my forehead. For the first time in a while, I feel like my prayers have been answered. Cause even when the earth is crumbling around my feet, I know that there is someone waiting for me to get out of the mess. So, I gotta get out.

My Masterlist

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kara-dolan · 6 years ago

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Coachella -Day 1 ~Part 1~

A/N ~ hola it be a while since i have posted but whats up hahaha i am so so sorry ive had writers block and ms. vivi aka @notanotherdolantwinsblog was moving during the time she agreed to help with this so once both of our lives calm tf down things will return to normal scheduling.

Word Count~ 4,309

Warnings ~ Soft feels, Fluff, Fun, Flirting?, Possible use of cannabis aka weed

Summary~ Fun and music festivals with your best friend? What could possibly happen? Oh right running into anyone and everyone you adore looking absolutely devin with sweaty bodies touching and bass booming under your feet. But what adventures are to come when Y/N and Viviana come face to face with Coachella ?

“Viviana I can’t believe you actually got tickets for Coachella. I can’t believe the house you got for Coachella weekend. I can’t believe that we are here!” I say excitedly gripping her arm.

“Bitch, I can’t believe that we might run into the Dolan Twins!” she says to me smiling.

“Okay yes that is a huge plus but, Day 1 will be the most exciting especially since it’s the first time we’ll be going!” I say releasing her walking up to the house.

She shook her head at me and opened the door revealing the Greek interior architecture. I walk in setting my hand bag on the ground taking everything in.

“Holy shi- is this real life right now?” I questioned looking up and spinning around to view everything.

“If you think this is amazing just wait till you see the backyard and bedrooms, not to mention the bathrooms.” Viviana says.

I looked at her and smiled then found my way to the stairs that spiraled up to the bedroom I was staying in. It was completely white with a sliding door that led out to the balcony that overlooked the backyard. Below me I saw the pool that had a huge baby blue clam bed next to the pool with a pearl shaped pillow that was silver and sparkled in the sun.

“V, I am never leaving.” I say looking away from the pool and up at the view of trees and mountains that were decorated by the sun’s beautiful rays and wind causing them to sway.

“Okay, sure, you say that every time you visit a new place. Watch once we get to Coachella you’ll never want to leave there either. Speaking of which, we have to get unpacked and set up for tomorrow after that we can get pizza and just chill.” Viviana says walking out onto the balcony.

“Ha. Yeah, I fall in love with places too easily. But, have you seen the view and the trees? It’s so beautiful. We should camp outside tonight and just watch the stars.” I say leaning against the railing watching the beautiful scenery.

“You’re fucking crazy. There’s bugs and animals. No way in hell am I sleeping out here, especially the day before Coachella starts. I am not getting dirt in my pores and you shouldn’t either,” she says stepping away to go back inside.

I sigh and look down pushing myself off the railing and going inside to unpack.

It took about an hour to get everything unpacked an organized, I had brought makeup and wigs, so I didn’t have to dye my Y/H/C hair and damage it. I also brought any and all facial cleansers because we were going to be in the desert for 3 days. I had hung all 3 outfits up in the closet and folded extra clothes I brought because no way in hell was I not going to shower and be forced to wear glitter covered outfits for the week that we were going to be staying at the house. Y/F/N and I had gotten walkie talkies set up on a private channel to find each other if we got lost and 3 cases of water so we could take 5 bottles of water with us for each day. After everything was unpacked and organized I made my way down the spiraling stairs and through the living room and into the kitchen where V was sitting at the island scrolling through her phone.

“Hey, you order the pizza yet?” I asked going to the fridge to get a water.

“No, I was waiting on you. I did see some updates on Twitter though, involving the twins and well, the drama is crazy.” she yawned out.

“When is it not though? Like honestly people need to leave them alone. But let’s not get into it. I’ll order a pepperoni and Hawaiian pizza and set up a movie.” I say after taking a drink of water.

“Sounds good. I’m getting blankets and pillows to fort up the living area.” She yelled to me running upstairs.

I smile and pull my phone out of my pocket and order the pizzas.

After the pizza arrived, we watched a random movie as we ate in the fort. Halfway through the movie and one pizza gone we fell asleep surrounded by pillows and blankets. The next thing I knew my phone was going off at 6 am which resulted in Viviana hitting me in the face with a pillow followed by groaning which signaled me to turn it off. I grabbed my phone and stopped the alarm. I made my way to my room and changed into some shorts and a loose tank and pulled on running shoes. I quietly made my way out of the house and into the woods near the park for a morning run.

I found myself at an overlook. The view was impeccable with the sun rising and colors blending together, putting me in a trance. The trance was broken when I notice movement below, a tall broad figure jogging through the hiking trail. The figure belonged to a man, as the sun rose more his golden shoulders glistened with sweat, his hair flopping with each step. It was like the trance from the sunrise was transferred to him. I couldn’t stop watching him until he disappeared deeper into the trail.

“What the hell was that?” I asked myself. I shook it off and ran back towards the house. By time I got back it was 7 am and I was drenched in sweat. I took a shower once I got back. After my shower, I put on my first Coachella outfit. I was wearing a white tank top with strings that tied in front of my chest with high waisted black shorts and a hunter green jacket. I put on black ankle boots and accessorized with a necklace that reached my waist.

Once I was dressed I applied my makeup, natural smokey eye and maroon lips. I put on my pink Ombre white high pony wig and grecian leaf new forehead crown. I went to the kitchen and saw Viviana wearing a black crop top with maroon jean shorts and black knee-high boots that had fishnets underneath. Her hair was loosely curled draping around her shoulders, she had dark smokey eye and a light pink lip.

“Okay, V. I see you.” I squeal out and she looks at me and laughs.

“Stop… we have to get going soon if we want to make it on time.”

“Okay. Okay. I am so ready to see Kyle perform today. Oh my gosh and The Neighborhood, St. Vincent, SZA, and The Weeknd. Just today is going to be crazy.” I say while packing up our bags for Day 1.

“For sure, not to mention how many social media stars and celebrities we will be seeing there.” V says taking her bag. I nod.

“We should get breakfast on the way there. I mean it is only 9 am. Coachella gates don’t open till 11.”

“You just want to go to an acai bowl place to see if you can run into Grayson” She teased.

I rolled my eyes and smiled.

“Maybe it’s a little true but if we run into Grayson we also run into Ethan…” I wink and nudge her. She laughs and grabs her car keys.

“Fine, you win. Using my love for Ethan against me. That isn’t fair.”

I scrunch my nose at her and smile. After our playful teasing ended we headed out and went to the closest acai place. Once we arrived we saw girls squealing and crying. I looked over at Viviana and raised my eyebrow while smiling.

“No. We are getting the acai bowls and going.” She scolded me.

“Ugh, fine. I won’t go and ask them if they are acting like that ‘cause of the twins. Mainly ‘cause I already know they were here… thank you, Instagram… but fine let’s get the bowls and go.” I replied rolling my eyes.

“You’re entirely something else. In a good way.” She reassured me.

“Thanks, I guess.” I say while laughing.

We were waiting in line to get the acai bowls when I realized everyone was staring at us.

“Well this isn’t awkward or anything.” I mumbled out.

“What?” she questioned.

“We are the only ones dressed like this here. Seriously, everyone is wearing normal clothes. We need to hurry up and get the hell out of here.” I say looking around getting uncomfortable.

“Why? We look hot. Stop trying to cover up. Let them stare it shows them what they can’t have.” She says making me loosen my grip on my jacket and letting it slip down my arms. “Okay. I got this. We got this.” I say smiling and nodding.

We got our acai bowls and left. We were about 5 mins away from Coachella grounds and we had finished our acai bowls. Now we were just blasting music and getting hype as we got closer to the festival. We pulled into the most available parking spot. Once V put the car in park I got out throwing my bag over my shoulder and adjusting my VIP wristbands.

“I can’t believe were actually here...” I say shutting the car door.

“Neither can I. Now let’s go before we miss any performances!” She shouts while pulling my arms and entire body towards the entrance.

“Okay! Okay! I can walk on my own!” I laugh out.

“I know just hurry the hell up!” she shrieked out and took off running. I shook my head and ran after her, I finally caught up at the entrance because we had to scan our wristbands.

We were finally inside, I grabbed at V tapping her like crazy.

“Look, Look, We’re here. Oh my gosh we’re here” I screamed out.

We ran to the Sahara stage until it was time to head to the main stage. When we reached the main stage Los Angeles Azules were performing and we saw Bryant recording some of the performance on his phone. I look over at V who was already looking at me. We walked closer to Bryant but not close enough for him to notice, we stood there enjoying the performance.

“We literally just saw the Yodeling Walmart Boy perform with Whethan and now we see Bryant right here. What is happening?” I whisper to Viviana. She laughed.

“Life. Life is happening and giving us this amazing opportunity.” She whispered back. “Opportunities?” I question at the last minute when she bumped into me causing me to stumble back only to be caught by someone.

“Oh my gosh I am so sorry. My fri-” I stopped once I saw who caught me.

“It’s fine.” He said chuckling. I stood up.

“Sorry, again. Thank you for catching me though.”

I turn my neck to glare at V who was smirking.

“No problem. Not everyday I get to catch a beautiful girl from falling.” He flirted which made me look back to him.

“I think I did fall though… Umm… sorry. Bad attempt and now I am making a bigger fool of myself. Bye.” I say nervously while laughing a bit while turning to walk away.

He grabbed my right hand with his left spinning me around.

“You aren’t making a fool of yourself. I’m Grayson.” He smiled down at me.

“I know, but I’m Y/N and the person behind me is my best friend Viviana.” I say looking up at him through my lashes.

He smiled down at me and I looked away and as soon as I did Bryant came over

“Hey Gray we should go find E and get more photos.”

“For sure. Y/N want to come?” he asked me. I looked at him bewildered.

“You mean like go with you and Bryant to find Ethan?” I questioned. He smiled and nodded “That’s the general idea. You can even bring um... V- Vivi-”

“Viviana.” She interrupted him. “We would love to go with you. Right Y/N?” she nudged me “Oh yeah. Totally, for sure.” I mumbled out.

“Great. Yo, Bry, Y/N and Viviana are going to come with.” He shouted towards Bryant.

Bryant smiled and nodded, we all began walking away from the main stage to find Ethan. We found him by the food trucks drooling over the acai bowls.

“Ethan!” Grayson called out to him pulling his attention from the trucks. He ran over to join us “Yo Gray. Who’s this?” he asked.

“I’m Y/N. Just met Grayson when my friend Viviana “accidently” bumped into me and Grayson caught me” I said smiling a bit while air quoting.

“Oh cool. I’m Ethan.”

“This is Viviana or V. By the way.” I say pulling Viviana’s’ arm.

“Oh. Hi” she waved shyly. I heard everyone near the main stage start chanting Really, Really, Really, Yeah,

“V, we got to go. Kyle is performing now!” I grab at her arm. “Sorry guys. Just been waiting all day to see him.” I yell over my shoulder as we run to the main stage.

We reached the main stage finally.

“Y/N are you stupid you just left Ethan and Grayson. We aren’t going to ever see them again.”

“I wouldn’t be too sure about that. Grayson loves SuperDuperKyle.” Ethan whispered between us which made me jump.

“E you can’t just scare them like that.” Grayson said coming from behind me smiling. I laughed and rolled my eyes.

“Glad you guys could join us” I smiled at him and started jumping and chanting with the rest of the crowd.

“Don’t Wanna Fall in Love” played and I looked at Gray and smiled.

“Yo, you gonna show us some moves, possibly the same ones from the warehouse?” I asked him.

“I remember that I gave him so much shit about it.” Ethan said laughing. I rolled my eyes.

“You did great. Just ignore him.” I looked at him placing my hand on his shoulder.

He grabbed my hand and spun me around in front of him, he gripped my waist and rested his chin on top of my head. We swayed to the rest of the set until iSpy came on and we had to move to avoid a mosh pit. We gave up on finding a new spot, so Grayson offered to go get ice cream for us, I decided to wait with Ethan and Viviana. I was listening to V and E talk about which bands they were excited to see, I left them alone to talk and headed over to the food trucks to see if Grayson needed help. When I saw him, he was talking to a girl.

“Hey, I know you from YouTube. I love your videos and they’re super inspiring.” She said to him awkwardly laughing a little.

“Really? Thank you so much that means a lot.” He replied to her smiling, “Want anything?” He asked her pointing to the menu.

“Oh my god no. Of course not. Thank you” She said sweetly.

“Oh okay.” He said, and she gave him a hug which he returned.

“See you around” he said.

“Yeah see ya” she called out as she walked off.

I walked over to him and smiled at him.

“Hey, why are you looking at me like that?” He asked.

“Okay, it’s kind of weird…but, I like seeing how you interact with fans.” I explained.

“It’s an amazing experience I appreciate you guys. If I can make you guys happy even just taking a picture or talking to you it is completely worth it.” He says while paying for the ice cream. “Grayson, you literally just looking at us is enough to make us happy” I giggled out. He laughed and handed me the ice cream he got for me

“It’s kind of shocking to hear that. Not entirely used to this still.” I smiled at him.

“I mean majority of your fan base is female which you should know from tour. You’re attractive and athletic and you have a great personality at least from what I can tell from your videos and well now that I’ve met you and hung out with you. I honestly can’t believe that I am here… That I even got to meet you…” I say staring up at him losing my words.

“Yeah… I don’t meet a lot of people who are quite like you though.” He finished looking down at me. I laughed breaking the gaze.

“I bet. Not a lot of girls would walk away from you to go and enjoy a music performance like 4 minutes after meeting you” he grabbed my hand as we walked back over to Ethan and Viviana. “You’re not going to do that, again right?” He asked.

“Hmmmm… I don’t know. If I do what are you going to do about it?” I ask cocking my eyebrow while smiling.

“Guess I have to stay close then.” He let go of my hand and draped his arm carefully around my neck pulling me closer towards him and I wrapped my arm around his waist.

“Yo, Gray. Where we headed now?” Ethan asked him taking note on how close me and Grayson were.

“I don’t know. Where to now, Y/N?” he inquired.

“I kind of want and need to see The Neighborhood.” I say looking up to Grayson licking the ice cream from the cone.

“Alright, The Neighborhood it is. Let’s go.”

We walked back over to the mainstage where Kyle was performing, and The Neighborhood was now setting up. Bryant met back up with us from taking photos of other YouTubers that were here.

One of the first songs they played was Scary Love which I adored and sang along with every word. Grayson just watched me the entire time and spun me around a couple times. Ethan and Viviana were exchanging numbers which made me think about giving Grayson mine. He noticed my dancing falter and pulled me into him. I stumbled into his chest in which he took the opportunity to hug my waist as I collected myself.

“You okay?” He asked me. I nodded.

“Yeah, why do you ask?” I retorted reaching my arms around his neck. He chuckled.

“No reason…”

I pulled away from him when I heard Daddy Issues come on.

“Hey, Grayson can I borrow y/n for a minute?” V asked pulling my hand. He nodded, and I stumbled trying to keep up with her as she dragged me away

“What is going on?” I questioned her.

“Okay so Ethan and I were talking, and I somehow talked him into coming back to the house later tonight, but he wants to bring Grayson too. I was wondering if you could keep Grayson busy while I try to get closer to Ethan?” she pleaded.

“For sure. Like it’s honestly so weird how close we have gotten in just the past couple hours that we’ve been here, and we haven’t even had a ‘get to know you’ talk it is just a comfortable thing as if we’ve known each other for years. I wouldn’t necessarily call it keeping him busy though as much as just hanging out with him and getting to know him more.” I respond.

“Ahh yay! You’re the best.” She squealed while hugging me then running back to Ethan.

I smiled and rolled my eyes I looked around for a little before making my way back to Grayson, when I got closer to the main stage where The Neighborhood was performing Sweater Weather I noticed Grayson wasn’t there anymore and neither was V or E.

“Okay. Don’t really know what to do. I literally just saw V though.” I thought out loud.

“Yo make sure you get some of those cotton sticks!” I heard Ethan shout from behind me. I turned around so quick.

“Ethan what the hell are cotton sticks?” I yelled to him while laughing noticing the same girl who was talking to Gray earlier laugh.

“Cotton candy.” He said smiling like a 3-year-old getting called adorable.

“Okay then… Where’s Gray and V?” I asked him.

“Ryan met back up with us so Gray is with them by the disco ball trash can. I am on my way back to them. Come on.” He said nodding his head over towards where they all were.

“Ethan wait up!” the girl called after him in which he made a confused face.

“I’ll see you when you get over there.” I say walking away slowly just listening in on the conversation.

“What’s up...?” he asked.

“The sky, pfft… you’re the best youtubers who’ve lived on planet earth.” She said after a small awkward moment. “Oh, oops... That was cringe.”

At this point I was half way out of earshot.

“Are you enjoying ‘Chella’?” he questioned.

“Heck yeah. It’s awesome.”

I stopped listening when I saw Grayson adjusting the part of his ripped jean armband.

“Hey, there you guys are. Kind of wondered off for a while. Sorry.” I say which made Grayson look up from his armband.

“Hey. I was going to look for you, but V said you would find us.” He said pulling me into a hug. “Well okay then someone missed you.” Ethan chuckled wrapping his arm around Viviana’s waist.

“I mean can you blame me?” Gray asked.

“Oh my gosh. No. Stop. Both of you.” I say pulling away from Gray laughing.

“Oh, by the way this is Ryan. Ryan this is Y/N.” Ethan introduced us.

“Hey. I actually know who Ryan is. You guys have collabed before and it was fucking hilarious I loved it.” I blurt out.

“The amount that Y/N watches your old videos is crazy.” V interjected.

“Hey! They’re funny, leave me alone. You freaking binge watch them with me you have no room to talk.” I defended.

Grayson and Ethan laughed at us

“Oh yeah., you guys want to laugh? Cause I have things I can say that will make you cringe instantly.” A teasing smile played on my lips after I spoke those words. The twins exchanged a worried look.

“Here are your ‘Cotton sticks’ Ethan.” Bryant returned with at least 8 of them and his camera. “Bryant do you want some help with all of that?” I asked, and he nodded.

I took a couple of them and handed one to V.

“Cotton candy yum.” Grayson said taking a bite out of one that was in my hand from over my shoulder.

“Hey! If you wanted one you could have just asked.” I smiled at him holding one out for him to take.

“Nah, I like it when you hold it.” He licked his lips and grinned.

I was going to respond but Ethan came over and took 3 of them from me leaving the one Gray bit from.

“Well okay then…” I say as Grayson takes another bite. “Damn I might as well just hand feed the cotton candy to you” I joked.

“That’s a fantastic idea.” He said while smiling at me, I shook my head

“Are you serious?” I asked raising my eyebrow.

He nodded while grabbing a piece of cotton candy and holding it against my lips I shook my head no.

“I’m not eating that.” I laughed out

“Yes you are” He grinned now

“No… I’m really not. Grayson, I mean it. Oh my gosh stop.” I backed away from him while laughing.

I ran around our group as he chased me playfully, he ended up grabbing my waist from behind and spinning me around.

“Grayson!” I managed to yell out in the middle of my fits of giggles.

“What?” He asked putting me down, so I could face him. Once I turned around, my eyes immediately made contact with his and I was entranced. He wrapped his arms around my waist pulling me closer not breaking eye contact until he looked at my lips. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed my lips gently against his while standing on my tippy toes. He placed his hands on my waist ho

lding me steady and kissed me back.

We were in our own little world, unbothered and carefree smiling into the kiss.

“Grayson!” Ethan screamed which made us break the kiss.

“What E?” He asked annoyed.

“You know we can’t do that. Not here. Fans might see.”

“He’s right Gray… Look me and Vivi will go and check out some more bands. We can meet back up during the Weeknd’s performance.” I say placing my hand on his shoulder.

“Come on bro.” Ethan said dragging Grayson away letting my hand slide down his arm.

Vi pulled me back to the main stage where Vince Staples was setting up to perform. We were having fun dancing around like no one was watching which they weren’t, after the set we went to use the bathrooms.

“What are we doing after we leave?” Vivi asked.

“Well I know for sure we are going to go home but maybe on the way stop for some In-N-Out.” I answered.

“In-N-Out sounds amazing.” I hear Grayson suddenly say from behind me as he wrapped his arms around my waist and resting his chin upon my shoulder.

“Grayson, we talked about this.” Ethan warned pulling him off of me.

“Right sorry E.”

“Okay so I guess you guys are coming with us after to get In-N-Out too?” I questioned. We all agreed to it after me and Vivi went to the bathroom and were walking back to the main stage to see SZA perform.

On the way back to the stage I tripped over my own feet and stumbled into a bleach blonde girl wearing a two piece purple bikini.

“Oh my gosh I am so so sorry-” I say going to help her up.

“Wait… you're Tana Mongeau-”

#dolan twins #ethan dolan x reader #grayson dolan x reader #fanfiction #grayson dolan #ethan dolan #y/n #tana mongeau #tana mongeau x reader #bryant eslava #Viviana #notanotherdolantwinsblog #coachella 2018 #i am so so sorry this is this late #smut will most def be in next chapter tho

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loadingluke · 6 years ago

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Day of stage one RFF phalloplasty

Recovery days 1 and 2

FRIDAY 1/2

5:18am: I woke up 2 minutes before the alarm. Maddy and I woke up about the same time, I gave her a hug and we got ready for the day.

5:25am: I had a shower, my last shower before surgery. I washed myself with some antibacterial cleanser and brushed my teeth.

5:47am: Mum and Maddy had some coffee and tea, and I had nothing. We had a little bit of a chat before surgery.

6:03am: we left the house and headed to the hospital. We were all a little in shock by how bright it was. The sun was up when we woke up at 5:20! No daylight savings and just being a little more tropical I guess. There were heaps of people out and walking their dogs.

6:46am: we made it to the surgery check in counter- we got a little lost! Just waiting in line to check in. It was mainly done online so it shouldn’t take too long.

6:55am: everything is all sorted. I paid for my excess and now I’m just waiting for the nurse.

7:18am: I went in for my questions. Mum and Maddy waited outside. Then we went to the bay area and I changed out of my clothes and into my gown. Dr Goossen came in and went over everything again, so everyone knew what was going to be happening. He said he’d ring mum once i was out to keep her up to date.

7:32am: I was wheeled down into the anaesthetic room and met my anaesthetist, Dr Booth. He went over my history again and put an IV in my hand. I was wheeled into theatre, but due to some issue the surgery was delayed. I was given something to relax me while we waited to get the go ahead. I’m not sure how long I was waiting for or when the op actually started because of that, but I believe it was about half an hour? (edit: I found out later that it actually was an hour and a half, it definitely didn’t feel like that) The nurses were really nice, we talked about game of thrones, trashy TV and Harry Potter. By pure coincidence, thinking out loud by Ed Sheeran was playing- the same song that was playing when I was going under for my top surgery!

~5:20pm: I came to in recovery. I wasn’t in too much pain, my arm was all wrapped up and there was a lot of padding around the phallus. I felt surprisingly good. I had a button to press for fentanyl if I needed it. They did the doppler on the phallus to check blood supply, and I could hear that it was nice and strong. Hans and Scott came down to see how I was going and I got to actually see it....and I cried a little. Not my finest moment and probably to do with the meds, I was just so happy that It’s THERE! My pain was sitting at about a 3/10, and it was mainly sore on my butt incisions and my groin incision on the right side. I could wiggle my fingers well. My hand was a little cold so the nurse wrapped the gallows in a warm blanket to warm them up a bit- worked a treat! I was taken to my room.

~7:20pm: I got to my room, mum and Maddy were there. I was able to chat to them for a bit. I wasn’t allowed to eat anything but I had a little bit of water.

Overnight I had some routine obs done every hour. This involved my blood pressure, temperature and pulse being taken, a doppler on my phallus to check blood flow, wiggling my fingers and checking blood perfusion and finally my pain out of 10. Surprisingly, even with all of that every hour, I still had a pretty good sleep! My pain never got higher than a 5/10. My arm didn’t bother me too much either which is good. It was really weird sometimes. It felt like my arm was in a different position to where it actually was, for example in my head I thought it was lying across my chest when really it was in the sling hanging up. I would sleep pretty much from when the nurse left until she came back again.

I’ve got quite a few bits and bobs coming out of me, this is the setup we’ve got going on: My right arm is up and in a sling. I have a lot of padding around my groin, including a drain from my abdomen. There’s a drain coming out of my phallus and a catheter in my new urethra to keep it open, as well as one in my current urethra for voiding. In my left arm I have two IVs- one with my saline and fentanyl and one spare. I’m on oxygen for the time being as well. I have to wear compression socks and pumps on my legs as well to prevent swelling . A lot is happening and going on lol. My night was just sleeping and having my obs done.

SATURDAY 2/2

8:40 am: Hans came in with another urologist to take a look at how I was healing. He said I will probably get the drain out of the phallus on Sunday if it continues with how it has been healing which is good. He is happy with how the blood supply is going. He said the nerve hookup went well and that I should have pretty good sensation once the nerves grow back. We discussed the incisions behind the bum and I asked if they were stapled like how it’s done in the UK. Huzzah, sutured! I thought they would be but it was comforting all the same. The last thing I’d want would be to have staples removed from below my butt. He said that depending on who was around on Sunday I may be allowed to get out of bed which would be amazing. Fingers crossed.

9:00am: catering came by and I was given some breakfast. I had some toast and jam, and some orange juice.

I was also moved to be in right position as I couldn’t reach my breakfast properly. Two nurses moved me further up the bed so I was in a more comfortable position. First they laid the bed flat then slid a red-silk piece of material underneath me by getting me to roll onto my side and sliding the material underneath my butt. Then I rolled back onto my back, they pulled the material through so it was properly underneath me and then used it to pull me up the bed. I wasn’t strong enough in my legs to push myself up the bed.

9:20am: I had some blood taken. The guy who was doing it seemed a little confused as to why a 22 year old man was here all the way from Melbourne. I just went with it lol.

~9:30 am a nurse came in and have me hot towels for sponge bath. She left me to my own devices and wiped down face and body as that was all I could reach. It was refreshing. The nurse said she would change sheets later, probably tomorrow (Sunday) and I didn’t really think anything of it. Relaxed for a while and waited for Maddy, mum and a friend from school who happened to be in Brisbane to come and visit.

11:30 - just as my visitors arrived, two nurses came in and were confused as to why my sheets hadn’t been changed earlier and offered to do it for me. It was a similar process to how they move me further up the bed earlier with the silk. I rolled onto my side, they removed the old sheets and tucked the new ones under my butt. I then rolled onto my other side so they could pull the sheets through. They also replaced the absorbent sheet underneath me as I was oozing from my incisions a bit (perfectly normal but a little gross).

I had some time with my girlfriend, Mum and a friend from school. We hung out and had a bit of a chat which was nice. I felt quite awake and alert and was able to talk quite freely. They stayed until about 1:00pm, and also came back later at about 4:00pm. I had a nap in between. Throughout the whole day I also continued having hourly checks from the nurses.

SUNDAY 3/2

Overnight Saturday was similar to the first night but I was more restless so I didn’t sleep as well. It was very warm overnight, i has the fan on but my legs were still quite sweaty and itchy as a result of the combination of compression socks and the pumps on my legs as well as my leg hair. It was very itchy and hard to sleep because it kept tickling.

~8am on Sunday I had antibiotics and after that I had a sudden wave of nausea and felt like I would throw up. I told the nurse and she gave me a bag right away and I just allowed the wave to pass. I didn’t end up throwing up but I did come close to doing so. I was given some anti-nausea medication intravenously and that helped a lot.

~9:30am I asked if I could have my sheets changed as I felt really sweaty and clammy. It was pretty busy though so I had to wait for the nurses to be free. At about 10am Hans’ registrar came in and had a look at the phallus. There was minimal swelling and it was looking good so he removed the small drain from it. I couldn’t feel it. Once it was removed there was a little bit of bleeding coming out of the tip, but not much at all. He said everything was looking good. I video called some friends in Melbourne and then called Maddy to see what they were up to today.

~11:30am, a nurse came in to change over my sheets and give me a sponge bath. Boy, it was worth the wait! She wiped down my legs and changed my compression socks over, and then changed my sheets. It made me feel so much better, but did tire me out a bit. Maddy and Mum came over to visit me, and I had some fruit. Since Maddy is leaving Monday she got to stay for the day. We watched some TV together, but I was very exhausted so a lot of the time was spent with me asleep and her holding my hand (I love you for that Maddy, sorry I was so boring xx)

~3:30pm: Hans called me to see how I was traveling. He said I seemed to be doing well and said my blood work came back normal. He said he’d be in Monday morning to check up on me, and that I should be able to get out of bed then! How exciting!

~6pm Mum came back and her and Maddy helped get me some dinner. I had some decaf tea and juice, and that definitely helped give me a little more strength. I’ve got some fruit next to me that I can pick at overnight if I’m feeling peckish.

~6:30pm mum and Maddy left. Dr Ingram came down to check on me and he was also happy with how it was all going. He said he would touch base over the next few days and to let him know if I have any questions.

7:13pm: my last hourly check! The past 48 hours have been absolutely exhausting, mainly because I had to be woken up every hour for my check ups! Now that it’s been 48 hours I can drop down to checks every 2 hours. Doesn’t sound like much but I’m very keen for that.

9:27pm: I had the second spare cannula removed from my hand- it was just getting annoying at this point. My IVs also were falling off due to the tape, so a nurse has given me a little glove to keep them in place, and it’s worked a treat.

10:03pm: I’ve just finished off these notes and I’ll post them ASAP. All in all, pain has stayed consistent at about 3-4/10. Still have an IV and my arm in the sling. Still have my fentanyl button and oxygen. Legs are still in the pumps. I still have a catheter but that should come out tomorrow, along with my abdominal drain.

The catheter in the phallus will stay there, along with all the padding around it and my arm until I leave the hospital. I’m feeling a little more mobile, I can move my legs a little and scoot up if I’m too low on the bed, but that’s all the movement I’ve really been allowed to do for now. I’m gonna sleep now and will update in the morning hopefully when I’m allowed out of bed!

Thanks for all the kind words and support and I hope this has been helpful/interesting 😄

#phallo #ftm #trans #transgender #trans man #trans guy #dr goossen #phalloplasty #stage 1 #rff #rff phallo #lukes phalloplasty

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strayology · 6 years ago

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About me tag ~

Rules : Answer the questions and tag 10 people

tagged by my fave kachuuuu thank youuuuu

(yeah i haven’t been on for a while,, i’ve been busy with school and i’ve been kinda feeling sick being on social medias but oh well what else can i do for past time?)

1. How tall are you?

I stand a wholly 162cm or 5′3″ (yeah i have always thought I was 5′4″ but I remeasured and I was 5′3″ ;-;)

2. What color are your eyes?

black like the deep dark abyss of a black hole :’)

3. What color and style is your hair?

black,, it’s straight and I style it a couple of ways depending on my mood or outfit. most of the time I wear it down or in a ponytail

4. Do you wear glasses?

yep i do,, sometimes I wear my prescriptions color contacts because my outfit looks better without glasses lol

5. Do you have braces?

nope never did, but surprisingly my teeth are really straight??

6. What’s your fashion sense?

I usually go for more of a sporty or girl crush style. I like wearing loose fitting clothes that are baggy and long (especially on the arm but my arms are so long so sometimes its hard to find stuff that are normal length for the body and long sleeves for my arms) but once in a while i wanna feel cute so i wear a dress or skirt or something, but I feel like i can’t move freely in those lol

and I do tend to dress more in a korean style (apparently that’s the reason why a lot of people have mistaken me as korean)

7. Full name?

ummmmmm... I guess this is the first time i’m admitting on here that my real name isn’t yumi...??????

but it’s,, Yumi Yee

8. When were you born?

October 24th, 2001

9. Where are you from and where do you live?

I was born in the US but I grew up in China and i currently reside in the US

10. What school(s) do you go to?

As of right now i’m in a 4-year high school, but I also go to a career and tech school for my computer science classes

11. What kind of student are you?

ehhhhh the one that procrastinates but still tries to get work in on time. i mean i dont really like doing my school work for any classes i dont like, and I would procrastinate as long as possible and still meet the deadline. but for classes i like i will try my best to do work right away and perfect it (which usually make people call me a try hard lol)

12. Do you like school?

i mean i like it when i get to see my friends and learn about subjects that actually interest me and let me have fun in

13. Fav subject?

math, chemistry, foreign language (I took spanish), and computer science

14. Fav TV shows?

I don't watch a lot of shows but I watched The Office couple months ago and I love that

15. Fav books?

The Percy Jackson series (although I haven’t finished it oOps), the Paisley Hanover series, and i like quite a lot of poetries (I’m still reading some from these books I bought a while ago, but once I finish i will see if I wanna recommend or not)

16. Fav pastimes?

cooking/baking, reading chinese comics (I recently got into them and they are sooooo good), listening to music, watch youtube, online shopping, editing (sometimes), mess around with the html codes on my blog, and sleeping

17. Do you have any regrets?

bwahahah way too many,, but if those events never happened in my life I probably wouldn't be who I am today

18. Dream job?

being a translator or any jobs dealing with computer science (mainly web designer)

19. Would you ever like to be married?

i mean yeah, but I have never imagined my own wedding or anything but I do know I wanna get married at 28???

20. Would you like to have children?

yeah,, again i’ve never really thought about this because all ive been thinking about is what kind of job i want or how i’m gonna live with my friends or s/o after college

21. If so, how many?

maybe 1 or 2

22. Do you like shopping?

OHHHHHHH HECK YEAAAAAAAAAH,, i seriously think I have an addiction because i always wanna go shopping and I constantly want new clothes or go to the mall in general. and even if I dont get anything at the mall I like to try on different outfits and take pictures in them

23. What countries have you visited?

Well I didn’t really visit these countries but I did live in them,, China and the US

24. Scariest nightmare you’ve ever had?

literally every one of my dreams I remember is a nightmare lmao

I mean this dream isn’t really scary because it didn’t scare me that much,,

(BUT IM GONNA PUT A WARNING RIGHT HERE BECAUSE I DID TALK ABOUT BLOOD SO IF YOURE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH IT SCROLL PAST THIS PART NOW)

it was around when I was 8 years old. it was in my old house, and I was sleeping in my room and I woke up alone on my giant king size bed (yeah I used to sleep with my mom for a while because our room arrangements got messed up) nobody was home because I didn’t hear any sounds, but i saw on the wall that was next to me was starting to drip blood. I wanted to go out of my room to see what was going on, so I stepped out and saw the house was empty, and all i heard was loud dog barking noises. I was terribly afraid of dogs so i ran back into my room and yeah the blood was still dripping but i woke up right then

25. Any enemies?

oOps I have too many of them. I’m the kind of person who kinda knows what I want from a friendship, and also knows what I don’t want. So if I see anyone who has any of those traits I dont want I end my friendship with them right then and there. and if someone who i see is being rude, then I just remember who they are and never try to be around them ever

26. Do you have a significant other?

nope and probably never will :’)))))

27. Do you get along with your family?

for the most part yeah, I mean my parents and I argue once in a while over something stupid and I'll just avoid them for like 2 days to a week. but my siblings and I are super well now especially because they all posted something about us on national siblings day when I thought they wouldn't lmao

28. Do you believe in miracles?

I think I do,, I am a huge believer on luck and stuff. so yes I do believe in miracles and I think miracles do happen

29. How are you?

well today is easter and I was supposed to go on a date, but it got canceled last minutes and I’m kinda upset about it since I was dressed and all. but I feel bad for being about upset because the other person might be actually in medical danger so I tried not to think too much about it by doing photoshoots outside my backyard and i think I may or may not have a potential for stay selca day 👀 (I haven’t done a selca day since maybe october/november of 2017,, and it was an igot7selcaday)

tagging: @jxsng @hwangwhatjin @hwanginthere @sunflowerseungmin @honey-innie @jinniesmeow @wangjyunhao @ughh-m @fluffylix @hjsracha

Of course youre not obligated to do this if you dont want to !!

#tagged !!#alright time to roll around and figure out what else to do #well i still need to find a ride to the concert :(((

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lovemesomerafael · 5 years ago

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EL AMOR TODO LO PUEDE Chapter 13: Evolution

Chapters 1 - 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12

There’s a phenomenon in psychiatry called transference. It happens when a patient transfers to their therapist feelings of love and dependence that rightfully belong elsewhere. Laura was familiar with the phenomenon, but she didn’t think transference had anything to do with her love for Dr. Charles. He was, quite simply, her savior, and she loved him for the concrete way he had walked her through a trauma that would otherwise have destroyed her. The way Ethan Choi had healed her body, Daniel Charles was healing her soul, and she loved him for it. She loved him the moment he came into her room the first time and, rather than tell her she was a hero for killing that man, asked her what it meant to her that she had killed him.

Dr. Charles was a big lummox of a man, rumpled and messy. He could smell bullshit a mile away and gently, kindly called her on it every time she tried to deny feelings she really had, or claim feelings that weren’t properly hers. At the same time, he never once told her not to feel them. Instead, he helped her sort through them and reject them if they weren’t useful.

Much of that was easier said than done. Her shame and guilt over having exposed herself to such obvious danger were, in some ways, deserved and appropriate. But the penalty for taking a foolish risk was worlds away from what that man had done to her. In the same way, it was appropriate to feel guilty for having killed a man, and to be disgusted by the manner in which she had done it. But, again, that guilt and disgust had to be tempered, all but negated, by the fact that the man had given her no choice. He had made the rule: only one of them was going to get out of that room alive. She had only reacted.

So Dr. Charles had helped her sift through the deformed mess of her shame and guilt to work through what was real and what was not, and then figure out how she was going to carry what was hers through the rest of her life.

The other thing Dr. Charles did for her was to assure her, as many times as it took, that her intrusive thoughts and night terrors would not always be as pervasive as they were now. Mouse said that his own trauma had been turned into a gift, because she could see that his PTSD was manageable and survivable and know that hers would be, too. Laura couldn’t imagine that, but she trusted both Dr. Charles and Mouse completely, so she allowed herself to hope.

In the meantime, she could not tolerate hearing noises behind her. She could go only a few minutes before the sight of that room, the sound her ribs had made as they cracked under his foot, and the feel of that man’s throat in her fist, overwhelmed her. And the worst part was the screaming, sweaty, uncontrollable terror that woke her every night. She flailed her healing limbs, desperate to escape the sensation of being trapped while something monstrous approached.

Dr. Charles had taught her to look around her, telling herself as many times as it took what was real and what was nightmare. Some of the things she chanted to herself made him struggle to control a grin. He suggested that she tell herself, “I’m alive. He’s not.” She preferred, “That motherfucker’s taking a dirt nap. I’m still here.” Whatever worked.

Dr. Charles couldn’t be with her every night, but Mouse could. And he was. Whenever he was jolted from sleep by her screams, he would quietly, calmly turn on every available light and help her remember what to tell herself as she gulped for air and cried uncontrollably. He sat with her for as long as it took to pull herself out of that cellar with the dirt floor and back to reality.

“He’s not here. He can’t be here.” He’d prompt her.

“He’s in hell! I know he’s dead because I killed him. I felt him die. I saw him dead,” she would gasp.

“Look around. He’s not here, is he?”

“He’s not here.”

“And you’re safe. You’re OK.”

“I’m safe. I’m OK. You’re here. You’re Mouse. You’re my friend.” Her sweat-soaked chest would heave as she panted in terror.

“Can he hurt you when I’m here?”

“No. He can’t hurt me. You’re a trained killer and I am your only mission.” OK, maybe teaching her that one had been a little self-indulgent, but it made him smile every time he heard it.

“Fuckin’ A,” he would reply.

Mouse started to see the light at the end of the tunnel when, one night, she’d looked right at him – not past or through him as she did when she was struggling to find her way out of that cellar – and asked, “Why do people say that? What does ‘fuckin’ A’ even mean?”

He’d thrown his head back and laughed while shedding relieved tears. Then he’d distracted her by scooting next to her in bed while they Googled the etymology of that expression.

Ethan Choi objected to the way Mouse continually found his way into Laura’s hospital bed. When it first started a few weeks after her attack, he’d threatened that she’d be crippled for life if her traction was messed up, or suffer some catastrophe if her IV was kinked or disconnected, only to arrive most mornings to find them, limbs and casts tangled up but traction and IVs intact, sleeping peacefully. He’d grumbled about it to Dr. Charles, who made him sit down and review Laura’s chart. The numbers didn’t lie. Since she’d been healed enough for Mouse to crawl in beside her, she’d had a lower blood pressure and needed less pain medication. Although Ethan had scowled and shaken his head, he hadn’t bothered to forbid Mouse and Laura from finding whatever physical closeness she could safely tolerate.

******

The first time Voight and Olinsky had visited her in the hospital had been rough. They’d needed to take her statement about what had happened in that cellar, and all three of them had cried at times as she told them the hellish story. Although the Medical Examiner had explained that she had crushed the killer’s larynx and damaged the internal structures of his throat to the point that he’d drowned in his own blood, her description was even more horrific. He had already beaten holy hell out of her, and she hadn’t been able to do much of anything to defend herself or wound him back. But once he’d broken her leg, she’d been unable to rise from the floor. When he came for her, she knew it was over. He would rape her, then kill her, then rape her dead body, as he’d done to those other women.

The only thing that saved her was that he made a mistake. She was lying against a wall where he’d thrown her, head first and too disoriented and injured to put her hands out to protect herself. He’d stomped her thigh with his full weight, breaking her femur with a sickening crack. Then he’d gotten behind her head to put his hands under her shoulders and drag her into the middle of the floor where he could defile her. He kept telling her all the foul things he was going to do to her in retribution for having fought back so fiercely. And that’s when he had made his mistake. He’d leaned down over her.

She’d screamed defiance as she lifted her arms to grab at him; dislocated shoulder, broken fingers and all. She’d clutched his hair as well as she could with her twisted left hand, and seized his neck with her right. He was huge; her small hand would not go around even half his neck. But she sensed her fingers sliding toward the center, and felt them latch onto the hard mass of his larynx. Pure, adrenaline-fueled survival instinct overtook her. She held on, digging her nails as hard as she could into his flesh, determined to wrap her fingers completely around his larynx and tear it from his throat. She refused to let go. He dislocated her finger trying to pull her hand away, and pounded on her arm trying to get her off of him. But that pounding only helped her pull harder at his neck. She had a literal death grip on his throat. She squeezed, pulled, and screamed until he’d fallen over onto her. Still she hadn’t let go. She’d clutched at his throat until he began to retch and gasp wetly, then whimper. He went quiet and still she squeezed with all her strength. Only when she realized that her strength was gone and she was no longer really squeezing, yet he wasn’t moving or breathing, did she let go and shove him heavily off of her.

Voight asked her to email him the typed responses she’d been making on her tablet to tell this story, which she did. She then quietly made a personal ceremony of deleting them.

Olinsky had stayed after Voight left, awkwardly and haltingly trying to apologize to her. She would have none of it. In the end, they made each other agree that all blame, the only blame, lay with the inhuman killer who was now in a drawer at the morgue.

*********

When Laura was discharged from the hospital, a train of Intelligence detectives had carried the mobility equipment, flowers, and other paraphernalia she’d accumulated to her apartment. Mouse had worked with the physical and occupational therapists to prepare everything for her homecoming and had moved in temporarily. She had long since ceased to need the sling on her right shoulder and her dislocated finger was no longer splinted, so he had full use of her right arm and hand. At long last, her left leg had been released from traction and encased in a huge, cumbersome cast. Although her jaw was no longer wired shut, she had only a temporary flipper where her missing teeth had been. She hated it and covered her mouth when she smiled, but it beat the hell out of the raw, gaping hole it covered. She looked forward to getting permanent teeth back. The bruises and cuts had healed, along with the wound where her chest tube had been. Ethan assured her that her internal injuries, including the skull and rib fractures, were healing, too. She had a long course of physical therapy and rehabilitation before her, but she was home.

Laura’s brothers had gone home to Bloomington as soon as it had become clear that she would survive. Her parents had stayed long enough to participate in the happy parade from the hospital to her apartment and see her settled, but now headed home themselves.

She and Mouse had a hell of a party that night; the apartment crammed with cops, firefighters, medical personnel, and assorted other friends until well after the sun had begun to rise the next morning. When one of her neighbors had called the police about the noise, the responding officers hadn’t tried to quiet the party. They had gone instead to the neighbors’ apartment, explained the situation, and told the neighbors that they were invited. The neighbors initially declined, but it turned out that they were friends of the Dawson family, so Gabby and Antonio had drunkenly dragged them upstairs to meet Laura and Mouse and have a drink.

Peter Stone had shown up for a while, bringing a court reporter he’d been seeing. At first, he’d been afraid to hug Laura as tightly as he wanted to as she sat in her wheelchair, surrounded by drunken friends. She still seemed very fragile to him. Somehow, in the middle of that loud, festive, alcohol-fueled party, Peter and Laura had managed to have a quiet, tearful conversation in which he told her how afraid he’d been for her, and how viscerally angry he’d been at what she’d been through. He’d visited her plenty of times in the hospital, but this was the first time he allowed himself to share the depth of his feelings, now that she was safely on her way to healing. By the time they were finished talking, he hugged her back as fiercely as she hugged him.

It was that night, seeing Laura talking and laughing, and especially seeing her with Peter, that a thought began to form in the back of Mouse’s mind. He wasn’t even aware of it.

********

As the months passed, Laura’s life slowly began to resume its shape. Mouse had returned to work as soon as she could care for herself at home and, when she was ready, she returned to work as Sergeant Voight’s assistant.

Since there was no elevator in the building, Kevin Atwater insisted on being the one who got to carry her up and down the stairs. For some reason, he had demanded to be the first to carry her up on the day she returned, and it became his job. Only when he wasn’t there did Mouse or one of the male detectives do it. Laura had never felt so loved and supported, and did everything she could to return that love by making their jobs easier. She decried the sorry state into which the unit had fallen since she’d been gone, but no new assistant had been able to work with Voight. He quickly either fired them or they quit. Either way, he was happier than he’d been in quite a while to have Parker back.

*****

The day her leg cast was removed was a landmark for Laura. She couldn’t wait to take a shower without having to wrap anything in plastic, or a bath without having to let her leg hang out of the tub.

Ethan told her that, now that her cast was off, she was cleared to have sex again if she wanted to.

“Oh… um… were we supposed to wait?” She’d asked.

The surprised look on his face was so funny she couldn’t help laughing out loud.

“Well, I guess no harm, no foul,” he responded. “Let me rephrase. You’re cleared to do anything that doesn’t hurt. How’s that?”

“Works for me.”

She and Mouse enjoyed a laugh about that as they relaxed in the huge bathtub in the hotel room they’d splurged on to celebrate her freedom from the last of her casts. They had candles, sparkling cider, and so many bubbles they were overflowing onto the floor. Mouse spent a very long time massaging, soaping, and shaving her newly-liberated leg, something she’d been dying to do for months. Not surprisingly, pretty soon his hands were roving. He loved the feel of having all of her skin to touch again, without anything getting in the way of his caresses.

In the soft candlelight, with no casts, braces, or bandages, and her healing scars invisible, Laura felt normal and attractive for the first time since the attack. She eagerly returned Mouse’s kisses, moving to give him access to her body and letting her own hands explore his arms, torso, and finally his more intimate parts.

They had to laughingly figure out how to adjust their positions so that he was laying stretched out in the tub with her on top of him, which spilled more bubbles and not a small amount of water onto the floor. Eventually, though, they got there. Laura’s left leg was still too stiff to bend and her left wrist still too weak to support her full weight, but in this position, supported somewhat by the water, she could maneuver just fine.

She kissed him deeply as he caressed her breasts, teasing her nipples and rubbing his hardening cock against her.

“Thank you,” she murmured, a moan escaping at the end as he did something particularly wonderful with his hands.

He chuckled. “I haven’t done anything yet.”

She pulled up a bit so that she could look in his eyes, which looked purple in the candlelight. “Oh, yes, you have. You’ve done everything. You saved me, Mouse. I mean it, thank you.”

“You saved me a little bit, too,” he said sincerely. He then pulled her back to him and resumed moving against her. Apparently that was all the serious conversation he was in the mood for. “And I got a great idea how we can show our appreciation.”

She sank herself down on him, both of them groaning with pleasure as he was able to bury his full length in her at long last. “Horndog,” she whispered.

“Yes, Ma’am.”

Their rhythmic movements began to slosh water and bubbles out of the tub, and actually put out a couple of the candles, but neither noticed.

Later, in the huge, fluffy bed, Laura had to talk Mouse into getting on top to make love to her the second time. For months, they’d had to use their hands and mouths to pleasure one another, which they’d made into kind of a fun game, but they were thrilled when they could finally manage to actually fuck again. Even then, she’d had to be on top because of her cast. Which was exactly why she insisted that she wanted to feel his weight on her again now that she could.

“Ethan said I can fuck however I want to,” she urged. “I’m tired of being careful.”

“Yeah, but…”

“Don’t ‘yeah but’ me, Soldier. I’ve fucked you enough. I want you to fuck me.”

Mouse was a sucker for dirty talk, which Laura felt silly doing most of the time. So hearing her growl that order, he didn’t hesitate to obey. He was overjoyed to finally be the one setting the rhythm and free to control how deeply he penetrated her. He hadn’t known how much he missed it until he felt how blissfully good it was again. Happy to be making progress with her recovery, and delighted to feel Mouse’s weight and the sensation of him plunging into her again, Laura very quickly lost herself in the second of many orgasms he gave her that night, with him following closely after her.

*******

The following morning, as they were lying sprawled across the bed with the room service breakfast dishes scattered around them, Mouse was abruptly distracted from his lazy tonguing of her nipple by her completely random question.

“Do you know krav maga?”

He looked up at her, eyes wide and mouth in the ridiculously sexy crooked smile he sometimes used. “What?”

“I want to learn krav maga. You know, the self-defense techniques the Israeli Defense Forces use? I thought if you knew it, you could teach me.”

“Well, I’m kinda busy right this minute.” She could tell Mouse was a little offended.

She laughed apologetically. “I… Right, sorry… and I was paying attention, I promise. It just popped into my mind.”

She was entirely taken off-guard to find herself suddenly and completely in a different position, with him directly over her, her arms above her head and both wrists held in one of his hands. The other was softly but unmistakably around her neck. He let her notice that, then moved it up to hold his thumb under her chin while his hand splayed across her cheek in a soft caress that allowed him to turn her face to his. He gave her an expert, demanding kiss.

“Yes. I know some krav maga,” he said. She gasped, feeling her body instantly respond.

“Holy shit,” she breathed.

For the next hour, he took absolute control of her willing, electrified body with a profound mastery that was so intense it came just short of scaring her. She was pretty sure krav maga didn’t actually include a series of mind-blowing sexual techniques, but apparently, she’d asked the right question of the right man.

#law & order svu #law & order: special victims unit #rafael barba #raul esparza #daniel charles #chicago pd #chicago fire #chicago med #chicago pd mouse #chicago med ethan choi

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maljean89 · 6 years ago

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I turned 30 and got my tubes tied

Just shy of a week ago I had my very first surgery — I got my tubes tied. Although, “getting your tubes tied” is sort of an out-of-date term these days come to find. Nowadays, removing your entire fallopian tubes is the standard for a couple of reasons: removing them completely (as opposed to tying, clamping or cauterizing) can prevent the occurrence of an ectopic pregnancy and can reduce the risk for Ovarian Cancer. Dude, I have so much cancer in my family, if I can reduce my risk for one kind, I’m down.

I’m really glad I’ve never had surgery before because going into it blindly was probably the best thing for me. I had no idea what to expect and if I had I think I would have been even more of an anxious mess than I already was. I am the queaziest, most fainty human being on the planet, so the entire experience of having the 3 attempts to put my IV in was a little hellish. But being put under felt pretty cool and before I knew it, I was waking up and it was all over. It took a solid 3 days of doing nothing but laying on my back and hobbling to the toilet before I started to feel like a human again. And let me tell you — having a boyfriend with an amazing sense of humor kind of sucks when laughing causes you pain. But he took the best care of me and 6 days later I’ve got a way less bloated and swollen tummy (looked like I was pregnant for a couple days) and my insides feel like normal again. I’ve got these 3 sweet battle wound scars — two on either side of my lower abdomen and one in my belly button — and I can officially say that I’m sterile as a cotton ball.

I’m pretty excited that I now have a response when people inevitably ask “So when are you and Jonah going to have a baby?” I’m going to enjoy it a little too much to be able to say, “Never actually. I had my tubes tied.” Telling people you don’t want kids makes them incredibly uncomfortable for some reason. I’ve never really understood it, but one of two things usually happen. One: they get real awkward and change the subject, never to be visited again. Or two: the barrage of questions begins. Some people are genuinely interested. Some people feel the same way and I get high fives. Some people do the whole, “well, you’ve got plenty of time to change your mind” routine.

The thing that probably kills me the most though is when people ask why.

“Why don’t you want to have kids? If you don’t mind my asking,” they’ll say.

You got a few hours? People ask this question like its a simple answer. Dude, if its a simple answer, I highly recommend that you don’t get sterilized because one simple answer isn’t sufficient. I have scores of reasons! And the reasons why I don’t only stand to inform the actions I would take if I oddly changed my mind someday.

I thought I’d share some of my many reasons with you all. Some are emotional, some are physical, some are financial — they’re all over the place. If you don’t care — thats cool. If you think I’m stupid — you’re entitled to your opinion. But I do think it would broaden your vision a bit to read why someone might not want to reproduce. If you’re one of the people judging me, I encourage you to take a moment to learn about someone different than yourself.

1. Physically, I legit can’t handle it. I know every woman is probably terrified of actually giving birth, but I literally could not handle it. I have to lay down to get a flu shot, and stay laying down for a solid 10 minutes or I’ll pass out. Getting my blood drawn makes me faint every time. And just discussing the process of inserting a NuvaRing with my gyno made me lightheaded and have to lay down. Getting my lady exam every year makes me so nervous I often present with high blood pressure because my nerves get the better of me so badly. Don’t think I could handle 9 months of discomfort, thinking about whats happening to my insides, and then the inevitable pain of actual birth. And even if I somehow could handle it — I don’t want to put myself through that. No thanks, I’ll pass.

2. Financially, I don’t want the burden. People may think thats a cold reason to not want kids, but I’m just being honest. I’m a fucking millennial for god’s sake — I’ll be drowning in student loan debt until the day I die, paying off only the interest on my income based repayment plan each month. I’m just now at 30 years old feeling stable with my own income for the first time ever. And to be 100% honest with you, I want to spend my money on me and my partner, not a small person who doesn’t even understand what money is and how hard I have to work for it. If you can look past that — high five to you, but I can admit that I’m not that big of a person.

3. I don’t want the strain on my body. I’m not special in that I’ve struggled with my body image my whole life. And sure — you can argue all you want that having kids is more rewarding than having a hot bod. And I’m sure thats true for some people. But vainly, I just don’t want to ruin my body like that. I’ve got enough stretch marks on my inner thighs and love handles from when I was heavier. I shall opt for keeping my bladder and vagina and breasts in tact for as long as I can. #SorryNotSorry

4. It’s not what I want my day to day life to be about. I enjoy being around kids of a certain age for a very short amount of time, and somehow that window gets smaller and smaller as they get older. I don’t have enough time for myself, I can’t even imagine having every moment be about feeding and changing and crying and being sick and everything else. Worrying about myself and the people I love is all I have the energy and time for folks. Its wonderful that some people are happy having every day be about play dates and going to the park and doing whatever Mommy-and-Me crap you mothers out there do — but thats just not who I am. I enjoy traveling and seeing the world, experiencing art and theater and music, trying really hard and failing at making alone time for myself, falling in love with Jonah more and more every day, searching for a woman to fall in love with at the same time, and a million other things I could spend hours writing about. In everything I want for my life, there just isn’t a kid running around in that mix.

5. I’ve got some weird Mom-related reasons swirling around in my noggin, too. My relationship with my mother was very special to me. I was an only child raised by a single mom and that, my friends, creates bonds unlike any other. In the three years since she’s died, I’ve realized how sacred my time with her was. I even had a window of time where I thought I was going to cancel getting my tubes tied because I had this morbid realization that by having a baby, and possibly a little girl, I could have a piece of my mom back again. Thats not a healthy way to think. I talked my feelings out with my loved ones and ended up back at my decision to have the procedure. Somehow, the mother-daughter relationship that I had with her is the only one I want to have in my life.

6. Other areas in my life deserve my love and attention more than a child. First and foremost — my love life is too important to me. Jonah is my world. And aside from the fact that on our first date he told me he didn’t want to have any more kids (he has a daughter from a previous relationship), our life doesn’t have room for an infant. Our life together — my career, my company, other creative and business ventures I have brewing in my head, Jonah’s music, our love life being polyamorous — all of these things deserve my love and attention more than having a baby. And guess what? As mentioned above, I already get to have a daughter in a sense! I get to have this super cool friendship/stepmom/parent-type thing with a wonderful little girl that came from the man of my dreams. I can’t wait to see her blossom into a young woman and see what she’ll achieve in life. ALSO, I have an amazing nephew who is about the same age and even though I don’t get to see him every day the way his mom saw me every day, I love the bond I have with him and getting to see him grow into such a sweet and upstanding young man. All of this and more deserve my love and attention more than creating another human.

7. I don’t think its necessary to populate the world with more people. If I lose anyone big time with any of these reasons, I think this one might be it. We as human beings are literally ruining this planet. There are too many people in existence as it is. We’re polluting the ocean at an alarming rate, global warming is all our fucking fault, and every year more and more animals hit that endangered species list or worse, become extinct. Don’t get me started on animal rights! More people just create more garbage, more waste, more problems. I’m sure you love your big family and think you’re not part of the problem, but guess what — we all are. I don’t want to add to it. I can help not add to it by the following...

8. I would choose adoption over reproducing any fucking day. When I had my initial doctors appointment to schedule my tubal ligation, my doctor obviously asked me why I wanted the procedure done. I rambled off a few of these reasons I’ve just shared with you and closed with this: “If for some crazy reason I want nothing more than to have a child 10 years from now, I would want to adopt anyway.” And that was the end of that conversation. There are so many children that need foster homes or to be adopted. In Minnesota alone, an article from this past January from Kare 11 states that “this year alone some 17,000 children will need temporary, out-of-home placements.” I saw an adorable little boy at the grocery store the other day running in front of his parents. For one second I thought, there are I don’t even know how many little boys just like him that need homes across the globe. The thought broke my heart. If I wake up 5 years from now and want nothing more than to be a mom, I want to change someone’s life and give them the loving home they otherwise might not ever have.

9. I’ve never had a strong will to be a mother. Sure, when you’re in grade school you might trade future baby names with your girlfriends at recess. For me it was Hayden for a boy and Aslynn for a girl. But as a teenager and adult, that daydream disappeared. I’ve never longed to be a mother, or to have any sort of a conventional life for that matter. It’s always seemed really boring and expected and normal. One of the very very few positive things that came out of my relationship with my ex-husband was the day he helped me realize that I just assumed I’d have kids someday because thats what society had drilled into me. The moment I stood back and really honestly asked myself, “Do I want kids?” I had my answer. No. And I’ve never looked back.

10. Most importantly, my body was made for more than reproduction. I know we don’t live in medieval times — this isn’t Game of Thrones no matter how much I wish it was. We live in an age of being a career mom and female empowerment up the wazoo. But theres still this thing floating around out there in the world that its expected of me to reproduce. Ridiculous abortion laws like the one that just passed in Georgia that makes it illegal to get an abortion after 6 weeks makes me feel like we’re only glimpsing the tip of the iceberg of whats coming down the pipes. The only person who can control what I do with my body is me goddamn it. My female body can do just as much (AND MORE) than any male body can. Maybe its just me being stubborn or thinking I’m more important than I am, but I firmly believe my body can do a million more important things shit out children. I truly believe we are heading to a Handmaid’s Tale existence, and I won’t be a part of it. I refuse.

I didn’t write this blog to make you feel like shit if you are a mother, and enjoy being a mother. Everyone is different. I respect that. But we all have different perspectives. And I truly believe that there are a lot of moms out there that didn’t think long and hard enough about this life-changing decision, and now they’re stuck with it for life. At the end of the day — you’re going to do you, and I’m going to do me. But maybe you have a little insight into what goes on in a head like mine, and why motherhood doesn’t have to be your future if you don’t want it to be.

I’ll be honest with you — I sort of have this weird feeling that for once I have total control over my own body. Pregnancy has been this fear stamped on my love life since I took that dive at 14 and I finally feel free from it. I don’t know, maybe I’m blowing it out of proportion. I could be feeling that way because I just bought my first house and have this cool, new perspective on taking control of my life. But somehow, I’ve never felt more in control in 👏🏻 my 👏🏻 life 👏🏻

Watch out world. The only one in control of my life and my body is me.

#tubes tied #tubal ligation #30 years old #my body #my body my choice #millennial #handmaids tale #sterilization #pregnancy #having kids #having a baby #mothers #daughters #mothers and daughters

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nobleofthemanor · 6 years ago

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Self help doesnt always work

When I was born my parents weren't in a stable place. My dad 20, strung out on heroine and was a dealer himself. My mom was 19 almost 20. Both grew up in abusive, neglective, and manipulative house holds till they married at 18. Neither had very great examples of parenting. My dad was either partying (sometimes at our home) or doing drugs. He did some things that Im not comfortable sharing on the internet, mostly because it's not my place to say it.

My surrounding family wasnt very stable either. My mom did her best to raise me and two sisters, but after my second sister was born she had a 2, 1 and newborn. I dont remember if she was trying to do college or not, but I know she was going through alot on top of raising kids.

My parents life changed drastically a few months before my 3rd birthday. My dad was busted and my mother was arrested with him. On the way to meet the cops my dad had given his life to Christ. Now this didnt mean he stopped struggling with his drug addiction. It took him roughly 6 months to truly quit, but he did. It was a hard six months as they had to deal with themselves and their relationship. (They almost divorced at one point).

Eventually my family reached a point of stabillity. My dad became a pastor at the church that had supported and guided him in his walk with christ. He also joined another ministry and started helping people who struggled the same way he did.

Id like to state both my parents had alot of issues. Both had to deal with their abusive past, parental issues, trust issues. They also had sepererate issues that the other did not have. but fast forward 15 years, with the help God, the wounds have healed.

My dad is no longer in drug ministry, but has taken on a more adminastrative role in the church. My family is still together and closer than ever. Also, in a few months my parents will celebrate 21 years of marriage and over 25 years of being together. My great granfather and great grandmother have both given their lives to christ(something my dad has been praying for since they were the ones who raised him). I graduated Highschool ast year and one of my younger sisters is about to graduate highschool and is hoping to join the airforce.

Im in college now and currently working in a preschool that my church runs. I love every moment of it.

While this is my wholesome storry it doesnt quite end there.

You see, while my parents had dealt with their issues and had healed. I had not.

My dad was saved when I was 3. So, for those three years of my life I lived in that really unstable enviroment. I suffered constant nightmares. I was also being somewhat raised by my grandparents, as they were usually baby sitting us when my mom and dad went to work/school. I was also the first born to two people who had bad examples of parenting. Basically, the trial run/expeirement I dont remember much of those three years, but I do know living in that enviroment for those years really affectted me growing up. However, my sisters were lucky as they were to young to be affected.

Growing up I was a really overly emotional child. I got angry and violent quickly. I had an attention span of 2 seconds. I tended to easily take things personal. I was really chatty and wuth drawn at the same time. I tended to be a loner at school. I was terrified of many things. When I was about 7/8, maybe 9, I dealt with feeling like my family would have been better off with out me and started physically seperating myself from my family. Eating at a seperate table when we sat at the four seater table or staying several feet behind if we were walking somwhere. Whenever my paeents would get on to me, I would try to make my self small by putting myself into a corner. I was always anxious like I should be on the run. I was/am constantly second guessing myself. I had broken record in my head that I was never enough. There are alot of other things that I cant think of at the. All in all it was just general behaviors that werent normal. I wasnt a normal child to begin with, but these were big clues that I was dealing with stuff and not coping very well. Im sure I have some form of anxiety and ADD. Though I highly doubt it, I wouldnt be surprised if someone told me Im autistic. On top of it all I had the pressure of putting on a good face as a pastor's kid, which didnt help.

As I got older I tended to become obsessed with things. When I was 11 I became addicted to anime and did things Im not proud of. It was a bad coping mechanism and I ended up wasting about 4 years of my life living in my room. Dont get me wrong, there were good times when I first started getting into it, but at the end of those 4 years I was a borderline fem-neckbeared I even had a fedora. I realized how much time Id wasted and manage to break the addiction, but the issues were still there.

My parents did there best to help me. I saw two different therapist one my parents made me visit as a kid and one I asked for as a teen. I stopped going to them for different reasons. My parents couldnt afford itanymore. And the second one was because I didnt see any change.

Both of these therapist were in my small town. Both were men, and both knew who my parents were. It made talking to them and opening up hard. So I stopped going.

Fast forward to six months ago. I started college and a new job. Both required my full attention forcing me to stop going to church and quit my volunteer work. I couldnt keep up and my anxiety was always present. Especially since I felt like I couldnt keep up with the fast paced required there. I felt like I was drowning and I couldn't take this feeling of being broken any more, so I asked my mom about seeing a therapist again. At first Mom was against it, I was at the point where I would take whatever medicine if it meant this insanity would stop. Mom is the type who doesnt rely on meds or people, she and God can fix it. She did eventually agree and we found a therapist. A wonderfull woman whose office is located in a learning center for autistic kids. Which is really cool.

The two of us instantly clicked and I enjoy my visits. I do my best to follow her advice. She has been the first person to truly tell me, your feelings are vallid. I can honestly say Ive improved more in my six months with her than I did in 18 years of trying to fix myself. My relationships and my life gratefull.

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