#honestly this is more of a log for me in a more concrete area than discord

[spookyspecterino]

Lost in the Stars

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2

Sam Coe x Old Earth! GN! Reader

(Warnings are chapter based) Anxiety, a panic attack but not super descriptive

When you get transported to a strange new city where nothing looks like home, or even Earth, one or two people are more than a little curious about your arrival.

Strange beeps and clanging metal rip you from troubled, chaotic dreams.

Those are the first things you hear as you wake up. It’s a painfully slow and sluggish process to even open your eyes. So you don’t, simply letting your other senses fill in the gaps first.

Everything hurts. Your entire body aches, the dull soreness gradually ramping up as consciousness returns. It doesn’t help that whatever you’re laying on feels rock solid. Moving your feet, just a little, you realize you are on rock—or at least some kind of concrete floor.

That’s nice.

Feeling cold concrete on your bare, scratched feet sends chills through you as you attempt to sit up. Giving your face a few rubs, you jump to the conclusion that you must be in a holding cell. Just from the smell of cold stone floors alone, you can expect to open your eyes and…

Yep. A small, cubicle-sized cell. They didn’t even give you one with a cot. Figures.

The spot on your back where you were shot (shot with what though? A giant bug-zapper?) hurt the most. Prodding the area delicately you shy away from really touching it. Sharp pangs cut through the soreness.

Time passes, as it tends to do, as you sit motionless in the cell. No one comes by, or within the small area near your cell. You try not to wonder if they’ve left you in here to rot—that must go against some kind of law, right?

Well, honestly who knows. You could be in a country where there aren’t any human rights or any sort of protection for prisoners. You’re starting to think that maybe you really were kidnapped from your backyard that night. But why would your kidnappers leave you in the middle of a city?

It may have been an hour or several when the sound of loud clicks startles you out of deep thought. The glass cell door slides open, and a speaker crackles to life.

“Your bail has been paid--you’re free to go. Exit your cell and turn right.”

Paid by who?

But you weren’t keen on arguing now that your freedom was staring you in the face.

Rising to your feet, slowly, you shamble out of the cell and down the narrow corridor. The logo ‘UC’ in bright orange and navy-blue colors the walls, an ever-present reminder of who put you in the cell—and who could easily do it again.

You come out into a lobby of sorts, rounding a corner to be greeted with long glass walls that let in very bright sunlight. A desk attendant calls out to get your attention, another person in uniform, but she isn’t wearing a visor.

She sets a little container down on top of the upper counter of the long desk. “Your personal belongings. Do you have any ID on you? We couldn’t find you registered in any of the terminal logs.”

You were going to count that as a blessing. The less they knew about you the better. Instead of answering her question about ID, you picked you phone up from the small bin. The screen was completely shattered and when you tried to turn it on the background image flickered and flashed before going dark.

Even if it worked, you wouldn’t have signal, but it still felt like your last lifeline was gone.

“Excuse me?” The guard asked gently. “Your ID?”

A familiar accent saves you from awkwardly saying no. “That won’t be necessary, Casey, thank you.”

The guard greet the woman you had spoken with before. “Oh, hey Sarah. How’s things?”

“They’re well. Was there any other paperwork we needed to sign?”

“Nope, you both are set.”

Sarah motions for you to join her outside and you follow numbly, clutching your phone. The familiar shape in your hands is a little comforting, but not by much.

She looks down at your feet as she sits on a nearby bench. “We’re certainly going to have to get you some shoes—and a change of clothes as well.”

You don’t say a word, looking around at the tall buildings. Why were things so different here?

“Come, sit.” She smiles at you. “Let’s chat.”

Sitting next to her, your voice comes out dry and hoarse. “Do you have any water?”

“We’re not far from the lodge, we’ll get you some water and food there.”

She pauses, like she wants to ask you something, but you interject. “Did you pay my bail?”

“I did.”

“Why? Why are you helping me?”

She thinks for a moment before answering. “My colleagues and I are very interested in how you got here. Do you remember anything about how you arrived?”

“No. Nothing. I honestly think I was kidnapped out of my backyard.”

“Out of your backyard?” She repeats softly. When you start to frown at her, she changes the subject. “May I see that?” She asks, pointing to your phone.

“Sure.”

She’s delicate as she turns it over in her hands, examining both sides. “How do you turn it on?”

“The little button on the side.”

She presses it and the screen flickers again. “It seems that brute broke it—not to worry, we can attempt to fix it at the lodge.” Sarah glances at your feet again. “Are you alright to walk a little ways?”

“Sure.”

She hands your phone back and gets up, leading the way.

. . .

Inside the lodge was surprisingly cozy and warm, it even had a crackling fire going. It added to the cozy—home feeling, you were just able to ignore the high-tech equipment all around, that is if you kept looking down at the floor.

You could feel the eyes of the others that were already in the lodge as you and Sarah arrived. They had stopped their conversations to look up. And they all stared.

“It’s time to introduce you to the team. These are the people that make Constellation so great.” She starts from left to right. “That’s Barrett—”

He gives you a warm smile and a wave.

“—Andreja—” The woman doesn’t greet you, simply turning away and crossing her arms. Your eyes linger for a moment before moving to the next person.

“—Walter, Noel, Matteo—” They all smile and greet you; Walter seems a little gruff about it, but not as bad as Andria, or whatever her name was.

“—and Sam.”

Sam, the same cowboy guy that you saw before being tased, leans against the wall. When he’s introduced, he comes over and sticks out a hand. “Takes a lot of guts to stand up to UC security like that.”

You take his hand, giving it a shake. Somewhat glad that manners were still the same, wherever you were. “That asshole broke my phone.”

“Your what?”

Matteo steps closer. “Did you just say ‘phone’? As in a—”

“Ok everyone, let’s not overwhelm them. I think it would be best if you sat down.” Sarah motioned to an empty seat around the table.

But you didn’t really want to move. You liked the way the cowboy—Sam—was staring at you with a ghost of a smile on his lips. It was a peculiar look, but not a bad one.

As Sarah tried to usher you toward the table, a young voice behind you asks, “Did you just come from Earth?”

“Hm?” You turn, seeing a girl—no more than 12 years old—looking up at you with bright, curious eyes.

“I asked if you just got back from Earth? you’re wearing all Earth-age clothing.” She circles around you, pulling at the fabric in places and studying you. “Where’d you get them?”

“Cora, leave ‘em alone.” Sam sighs. He catches your eyes. “This is my daughter, Cora.”

“Hi, hi!”

“Um���hi.” You murmur, letting her continue to study you.

“Are you a scavenger?” she asks, innocently.

“What makes you ask that?”

“The only way you could get clothes like this would be if you scavenged them from Earth.”

“I’m not a scavenger…I live there.”

Her head tilts. “How? Earth—”

Sarah is quick to intervene. “Cora, just a moment. Let them introduce themselves and tell their story first.” She puts a hand on your shoulder, now leading you to sit. Thoroughly confused, you let her.

The next few minutes are spent re-telling the story of how you found yourself here in ‘New Atlantis’—as the others informed you—it was a painfully short story, and you could tell everyone was expecting to hear more.

There was a split second when they all exchanged glances and had their silent conversation. You’d had quite enough of all that.

You cross your arms, scowling. “What? What is it? I know there’s something wrong, I can see you all exchanging weird looks.”

As usual, Sarah is careful as she speaks. “When you first arrived, there was a surge in anomalous readings, here within New Atlantis. It might correspond with how you got here.”

Everyone is suddenly avoiding your eyes. Even Sam. “I’m…not sure I understand…”

When Sarah took a deep breath, brows pinching together in sympathy, you knew the worst was coming. Something twists in your stomach. A growing dread. “There isn’t any easy way to say this but…Earth’s magnetosphere collapsed back in 2203…”

“I—I don’t know what that means...” Your voice dies out with a strange croak.

“Earth doesn’t have an atmosphere anymore. There’s nothing left. I’m not sure where or when you came from, but—”

Suddenly it felt like you weren’t in your own body anymore. Like you were detached and drifting away. When you spoke, it was as if someone else was talking for you. “—Earth is…gone? That actually happened?”

Sam’s head tilts. “What do you mean? You knew about it where you came from?”

“The atmosphere collapse just became public knowledge…almost everyone denied it was real or even doubted that it would actually…” The room starts to spin. You blink hard once, then twice, trying to fight off this feeling. The walls start to close in.

Sarah’s saying something, she’s turned around in her seat to talk to Barrett and Noel. You’re only able to catch snippets of what she’s saying. “Is it possible—time travel?... Somehow able to…distant past…”

Matteo is the first to shout as you’re falling over, but Sam is the one to catch you.

“Hey, hey. It’s alright.” His soft voice is in your ear. It helps a little as his strong arms keep you off the hardwood floor.

Sarah is fast to act. “Take them upstairs. There’s an empty room they can lie down in. Noel check their vitals.”

“Can you walk?” Sam asks, quiet and gentle as if he’s afraid he might break you.

“Think so.”

The upstairs room they offer you is spacious, the bed too large for just one person. As you lay, staring at the ceiling, Noel moves around you, setting up little monitors and machines that you assume are all medical.

“Would you like a sedative, to help you sleep?” she asks, pausing. Hands hovering uncertainly.

Your reply is raspy, sluggish with exhaustion. “Sure.” It doesn’t sound like your voice.

“Ok, you’re dehydrated so I’m gonna insert an IV, just stay still…and…there. That should help.” She touches a few screens. “The sedative should kick in soon. Don’t try to remove the IV, if you need help with something, just call and I’ll be back.”

She packs up a few things, picking up her smaller tablet. Before leaving the room, she pauses. “Um—you’re gonna be ok. Everything is going to be fine. We’re going to do our best to help you.”

“…thanks.”

She closes the door behind her.

Thankfully you’re not awake too much longer, the silence was becoming overbearing.

. . .

This time, as you wake, you don’t feel as awful—physically at least. But that dread remains settled in your stomach like a hard knot. The flash of medical equipment around you only annoys you. How they others must look at you.

Helpless, lost—without a home. It’s damn humiliating that you nearly passed out. This first impression would need to be fixed.

Wasting no time, you pull out the IV and untangle other cords from around yourself. Some of the machines flash, but nothing makes a noise. The comfort of the bed isn’t enough to keep you there. Something burns in you know.

The room is the first in the hallway, making navigation easy. The banister overlooking the grand lounge is to the left.

As you move closer, you can just barely make out voices coming from below. Following the noise, you come out onto the upper landing. Down on the lower level the old man, Walter—you think, is talking with Barrett, Sarah, and Sam. Matteo and Noel sit nearby. Andy—Ariana—whatever her name was, leans against the far wall.

She’s the first to notice you’re awake. Her neutral scowl turns to a glare. “They’re up.” She grumbles.

Every other pair of eyes land on you. With your best effort, you straighten your spine and set your mouth in a hard line. Your knuckles are white as you grip the railing. “Tell me everything. Don’t hold back.”

[crystalinn]

I haven’t posted about this here yet, but boy howdy has my life been A Mess™️ of late.

TW: medical talk, high stress situations, mentions of blood under the cut

This is a very long post, so a mild TL;DR: ma’s sick and this is me for eternity now (loud noises in video): 

Picture it. November 10th (ish. Time is hard.). The motherbeast came down with a case of viral bronchitis. She got a few days off work to recover. 

A couple days pass. She went back to work. Her manager sent her in the cooler for two hours. 

An immediate downturn ft. a fall out of bed that took 45 minutes to fix, heavy panting, confusion, the whole lot. She went to the Express ER. They said “oh hey, your viral bronchitis has become full blown pneumonia. You’re goin’ to the Real Hospital™️ for two days. See if you respond well.” Turns out, she did, at first. 

About a week or two of what seemed like solid improvement all came crashing back down when her return to work arrived. She went back to work... or tried to. She went to step onto the curb and gravity said no. She faceplanted the pavement, and the ambulance was called. A thorough concussion check later, and her manager drove her and her truck home. The next day, she went back to the Express ER, and they said “oh shit, your lung xray is worse than last time. Back to the Hospital for you.” 

That stay was nine days long. She was tested for tuberculosis (which came back negative, thankfully), and had a PICC line installed. During said stay, she did get rather confused and agitated, as it was near the end of the month and the rent needed paid. She called me in the middle of the night, asking me to move her IV... despite me being at home. So that was a thing.

After she came home on the 4th of this month (December), I had to start administering her PICC line antibiotics, every 8 hours. Did y’all know that cefepime (a bigboi antibiotic) smells like someone doing unholy things to eggs? Sulfuric smelling bullshit, that. Had some hiccups there, what with massive air bubbles in the line and getting the infusion orb stuck on the line. We were supposed to be done the 25th. Then she went to her new primary care doctor, and it was extended to the 6th of January, which h.

Anyway, fast forward to the 23rd. Mum was out with a pal, getting some groceries, and some Miralax ‘cause... y’know, and she fell on her ass. At this point, falling down is like a glowing neon red flag. She came home, was a bit wobbly, but was generally okay. Her primary care doctor called after the home health nurses stole some blood to tell her that her potassium levels are critical. A friend/my ‘adopted’ brotherbeast, Frank, brought her a fuckton of bananas that night. 

Now this is where it gets real fuckin’ spicy. The morning of the 24th, after we get done with the 7am orb, I gave her a dose of Miralax. She was fine, until the 3pm orb, when severe gut cramps showed up. Those lasted until about midnight when things... moved along. After that, shit went downhill fast. I put her to bed after orb times at 11 pm, and she kept waking up. As time went on, she got more and more confused. Like, she knew general things, in a kinda slow way, but she could not follow directions. On the morning of the 25th (fucking Christmas.), things had reached its boiling point. She was very confused, unable to focus, slurring words. I rang up a friend, Sandy (who has been a massive help this whole time of Fuckery), to get her to the ER. This triggered a complete meltdown. It took both of us to get her out of her chair, not to mention the sudden burst of confused crying and begging not to go. 

We finally managed to get her there, and the ER’s like “yo this looks like a stroke, so we’re gonna keep her, do an MRI or three, and get back to you.” Turns out she was very dehydrated, currently has a UTI, and is still a bit... shall we say, fucked up. But, the MRI came out clean, but there was some issue with the PICC with like, a blood clot, but they cleaned it out, so they let her go on the 26th. 

But just wait for it... I put her to bed pretty much as soon as she got home, ‘cause she doesn’t sleep in the hospital. Makes sense, right? I went to check on her at about 8, and she was unable to really comply with requests/commands/questions. I’d ask “what’s your name?”, I’d get her name (most of the time), but when I’d ask “when’s your birthday?”, I’d get her name again. Or the fact she lost her PICC line cap, and I’d ask her to hold the newly sterilized port so it wouldn’t touch anything, she’d say okay, take it, and immediately drop it. Repeatedly. 

I broke down whilst on the phone with my dad because everything has been too much of late, and eventually put her back to bed to wait for the 11pm orb. 

11pm rolled around... and well. I couldn’t get her to wake up. She’d react to me poking and prodding her by making noise and moving away, but she would not wake up. Not properly. So, I called the on call home health nurse to see if she could help, and she pretty much told me to just call an ambulance. Not wanting the expense because I live in Hell the US, I called my dad. He helped me try to wake her up over the phone, but she flat refused. I was left with no choice. So, I called the ambulance, and just before they knocked on the door, she sat up like “huh?” but extra confused. She almost didn’t go to the hospital because she said “nah, I don’t want to go” but one of the EMTs was like “nah, you gotta go.”

So, she spent about 8 hours in the ER, and they told me that they can’t keep her since she was mostly lucid, but they did float an Idea (a skilled nursing facility, at least until she got her ducks in a row) to her that was immediately denied, but with some prodding from me, she finally agreed. So they moved her upstairs from the ER to keep her until they can find a facility in the Blue Cross/Blue Shield network that’s reasonably local. The one that came to visit yesterday turned out to not be, and I’m pretty sure the dude kicked it back to the Case Supervisor to see if they can find another. But, after they moved her into her room, she’s cleared up quite a bit. 

She’s still a bit slow on the uptake sometimes, a bit unfocused, and can get caught out in the grapes mentally, but she has improved a lot. 

Oh, and another thing she’s been doing is fighting me re: eating since the first go around. Bread’s a texture issue, rice is hard to eat without teeth, and everything else “smells bad” (which, since she’s quit smoking as of that second hospital stay... I understand, but you gotta sometimes push past that.) I did manage bananas though. Thank fuck for those. 

But, back to the plot: today (the 28th) was a decent day. Much clearer, less starts and stops in her speech. A bit more focused. She didn’t manage to sleep last night, so she was kinda tired. Had another MRI, but we won’t know about that until probably tomorrow (the 29th). Maybe. Had some PICC issues, though. The nurse got the cefepime running just fine, then mum had to use the bathroom, and when she came out, the machine started screaming bloody murder. After that, the nurse came back and tried to flush the line, since the cefepime was unable to run, and when she took the syringe off, the saline shot right back out... which ain’t supposed to happen. Hit me, the nurse, mum, the bed... probably got the windows too. So they’re working on that, and hopefully they figure it out.

Had my own woes at the hospital today, too. The sole of my boot fell off, so my ride/friend/adopted sister?, Sandy, went to walmart and got me some Heavy Duty Superglue, which I got it about half way stuck before we had to leave... then when we were pulling into the parking lot at home, the nurse in charge called to ask some questions about the PICC, the antibiotic, how long it’d been there, how long she was supposed to be on it, the pharmacy’s number, all that. So I went to get out of the car, my coke bottle fell out of my pocket, started rolling under the car, and I overextended. Fell right on my knees. They are not happy. Took a hot minute to get my dumb ass off the ground, without hurting Sandy, who is like 5′2″ and v smol. I am 5′6″ and... decidedly not. Plus the bonus rain.

UPDATE 12/29/2019: the diverticulitis has made a reappearance. It’s like everything is just It’s free real estate.

UPDATE 12/31/2019: Around 2 am this morning, she managed to roll out of bed and whack her head pretty good on something. They did a CT scan, and it came out clean. No concussion. However, now she has a sitter/keeper/minder to make sure she doesn’t do it again. It’s a good thing the nurses heard her fall, ‘cause despite being armed, the bed alarm didn’t go off. I know of all of this, ‘cause the hospital called me at 3 this morning, and boy howdy that’s a gut drop, let me tell you. But, better a CT ride and a bump on her noggin vs. the alternative. Sure is one thing after a-fucking-nother, ain’t it though.

UPDATE 1/1/2020: 2019 keep your problems challenge: she's had a major mental shift again, and now she's really groggy, really confused... So the hospital moved her to the ICU and called me for consent on a spinal tap, just to make sure they're not missing anything. Other than that, they've done x-rays and another CT, I think to check her spine, hips, the one leg she's been having issues with. The doctors also think that it may be the cefepime causing this altered mental state, and after doing some digging, boy howdy I sure believe it. Cephalosporins are some nasty fuckers.

So! That’s been my month and a half! I’d like to take a break now, please!

EDIT: Further updates found here.

[marvelhero-fics]

Snowman

Series - Chapter One

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: You’re a HYDRA assassin that’s worked closely with the Winter Soldier, to each of your dismay you’re reunited with Bucky after the blip. 

A/N: I haven’t posted in like 300 years, but I hope you guys enjoy this new series! This follows parts of TFATWS so expect spoilers! (Also I’m sure all the Russian is absolutely wrong, if you’d like to correct it please send me a message!)

Word Count: 1,815 (future chapters will be wayyy longer)

Snowman Masterlist || Full Masterlist

New York

2023

“So tell me about this-” the therapist looked down at her notes briefly, “(Y/N).” She finished.

Bucky paused momentarily, “No.”

“James, for these therapy sessions to be effective, you need to open up to me. I can’t help you if I don't know what’s wrong.” His therapist responded, laying her pen carefully on her small notebook.

Bucky thought for a moment, taking in the ambience of the room. What would he even say about (Y/N)? He hadn’t seen her in years. Bucky was kicking himself for accidentally bringing her up in his session last week. “I- uh-” he stammered, shifting his weight on the couch, “I met her in 2011. At least I think it was 2011. Date’s get kinda fuzzy sometimes, with all the cryo.” Bucky’s hand pressed against his head, feeling dazed as he tried to think back. “It was at the big HYDRA base outside of Moscow. We had to go on a mission together-” he was cut off,

“Did she work for HYDRA?” Dr Raynor interjected.

“Yea. She was an assassin too. She went by the alias the Viper.” Bucky pretended not to notice his therapist tense up. Anyone who knew anything about HYDRA knew who the Viper was. She was one of the most prolific assassins after the Winter Soldier.

“Tell me more about when you met her.”

“We were instructed to take out a terrorist organisation forming against SHIELD. Which was ironic because we were working for a terrorist organisation. But at this point SHIELD was being run by HYDRA and they couldn’t risk any slip ups, so they put 6 assassins on the job. HYDRA usually didn’t have their assassins working together, we were all too volatile. But we had to take out over 70 people in one night. It was (Y/N), a few assassins from the Red Room, and a few agents that HYDRA had trained personally, and me.” Bucky stopped.

“Where was (Y/N) trained?”

“At a secondary facility run by HYDRA. She was trained from a really young age. It’s all she’s known.” Bucky seemed somber. But his therapist continued,

“What happened on the mission?”

“Nothing. It went exactly to plan. The targets were taken out and we all left without a trace. But (Y/N), she- she kept trying to talk to me, or get to know me. I was the Winter Soldier. No one in their right mind ever tried to ‘get to know me’.”

“Why do you think (Y/N) did that?”

“She told me she was bored.” He replied bluntly.

Moscow

2011

The poorly lit conference room was filled with a myriad of assassins and officials. The only illumination came from old LED lights hanging from the concrete ceiling. The mossy green paint on the walls looked as if it hadn’t been patched up in years. The only new-ish part of the room was the large, oak conference table, surrounded by black, leather seating. It was difficult not to notice the red HYDRA symbol holding a spot on almost every piece of clothing in the area.

“TITAN terroristicheskaya organizatsiya, formiruyushchayasya protiv nas. (TITAN is a terrorist organisation forming against us.)” Kuznetsov spoke, “Izbrannyye budut otpravleny segodnya vecherom v Ukrainu dlya vypolneniya postavlennoy zadachi. Uberi ikh. (The chosen ones will be sent to Ukraine tonight to complete their given tasks. Take them out.)”

That was all it took. You stared at the file in front of you. You had read through it multiple times, going over every single name, every single skill set your targets had. You were more than certain you could complete this job on your own. But you had no choice on the matter.

Your eyes darted around, taking in the faces of the assassins that were to accompany you on your mission. Two youthful females, dressed in black leather sat next to each other. The older, grimacing woman behind them was Madame B., the head supervisor of the Red Room. You moved your gaze to the two agents in dark green uniforms and red, soviet berets. Neither looked particularly menacing.

You finally landed on the last assassin. His dark hair fell like curtains around his face. Gloomy blue eyes searched their way through the room. His sharp jaw seemed tense through his stubbled cheeks. He was large, extremely built. Covering his frame was an amplitude of black clothing and gear.

“Play nice.” Your mentor spoke softly over your shoulder, breaking you from your train of thought.  

“I always do.”

~

Your padded snow boots ripped through the thick snow covering the ground. The six of you had hiked your way to the set point on your GPS systems, the clouds of snowfall covering your vision held the illusion that there were absolutely no structures nearby. A large helicopter had dropped the group a few miles out from the hideout to ensure nothing was compromised. The trek was in utter silence, fighting against the harsh temperature in mid February.

The waypoint became closer on your map, a tiny building slowly appeared in your vision against the foggy downfall. It was a small, wooden cabin. Everyone hustled their way through the unlocked door. It was barren, it held no furniture, no blankets, no means of any life. There appeared to be a few doors that led to small, empty rooms. The entrance only held a small fireplace, filled with old cut down logs that had been eaten by bugs.

The group quickly dispersed, you headed to one of the rooms alone, throwing down your belongings onto the floor. The bag you carried was mainly filled with weapons and ammunition, along with a very warm sleeping bag. You knew too well you wouldn’t be sleeping tonight, but you would need the extra heat for now.

There was no chatter anywhere in the house. Your mission would begin in 6 hours. Everyone was likely putting together their artillery. You decided to cozy up in your navy sleeping bag for a moment of comfort.

Someone had lit the fire in the lounge. A warm, orange light crept through the cracks in your door. The ambiance was strangely calming for a shitty cabin in the middle of nowhere.

Snow continued to fall against the tiny glass pane of your room. You weren’t a fan of assassinating in the snow. It was low vision, harsher climates, and it lessened the ability to move. Snakes weren’t creatures of the cold. Conveniently you’d been grouped with someone who called himself ‘The Winter Soldier’. I’m sure he loves the cold, you thought.

You’d heard a lot about him. Everyone had. He was the perfect assassin. He never failed a mission, his body didn’t reject cryo, every form of enhancement HYDRA had used on him had been a success. He was what every assassin had aspired to be.

Without thought, you grabbed the glass bottle laying next to you and walked off to the room the Winter Soldier had claimed for the night.

“Privet (Hello)”. You announced, pushing his door open with a creak. His head didn’t turn towards you. He sat on the floor, the sound coming from him indicated he was sharpening knives.

“Khochesh' vypit'? (Want a drink?)” You asked, motioning the bottle towards him.

He stayed silent for a moment. Finally he turned, looking up at you from his position on the floor. “What is it?” His dark tone asked back. The amber light from the fire crashed against his features. His strong jaw was covered with a dark stubble, his brunette hair tucked behind his ears. His most obvious feature was the hauntingly blue eyes that sat in sunken sockets, he looked drained.

“It’s vodka.” You stated, honestly. You were surprised to hear he wasn’t Russian, he sounded… American?

“You’re drinking before a mission?” He queried.

You shrugged. “Alcohol doesn’t freeze.” You sat down next to him. “Plus it takes the edge off.” A faint clinking noise announced as you placed the bottle on the floor between you two. He stared at you for a moment, before quietly going back to his knives.

“Wanna play 20 questions?” You interrupted the silence.

“No.”

“What about truth or dare?”

“I’m not 14.” the soldier replied, his eyes not leaving his handy work.

“How old are you?” You shot back,

“Why are you trying to get to know me?” He dodged your question.

“I’m bored.” You shrugged, taking a deep swig of the vodka. “And by my calculations,” you peered down at your watch, “we still have 3 hours and 27 minutes until the mission starts.”

He gave a shallow sigh, “93.”

“What?”

“I’m 93. How old are you.”

“93?! You were born in 1917?”

“Mhm. How old are you.”

“25. You look great for 93.” You chuckled.

“You look old for 25.” He jabbed back. His knife sharpener still grinding across a 6 inch blade.

“You flatter me.” You replied sarcastically. “So what’s your story? How’d you make it to 93?”

“You don’t want to know.”

“Why would I ask if I didn’t want to know?”

Bucky looked over at you. “I’m telling you, you don’t want to know.”

“C’mon old man,  I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours.” You smirked. He once again, went back to his knives. It almost seemed as if he was trying to threaten you, pulling out larger knife after larger knife.

You huffed, opening your mouth to speak, “I was born in Hungary to a drug abusing mother, and an absent father. I was kidnapped and sold to HYDRA when I was 6. I was placed under the care of the Kraken. Not sure if you’ve met him, he’s this large guy-”

“I’ve met him.” Bucky stated, interrupting your spiel.

“Right, well, he trained me for years. Eventually HYDRA got involved again and I was tested on, experimented on, messed with, ya’ know, all that fun stuff.” You explained.

“Are you enhanced?” Bucky asked, almost as if he was actually interested.

“Yea. I have this whole snake venom trick. It’s great for up close combat. The experiments really should’ve killed me though. But maybe that’s what makes us so good-” Bucky looked over at the woman next to him, her bright eyes stared back at him as she spoke “ya’ know, the best assassins are the ones living off borrowed time. Because we’ve met death before, so we’re not afraid to do it again.”

Bucky quickly grabbed the Barrett M82 rifle next to him, his metal arm making faint whirring noises. “I’m going to scope out the base.” He stated bluntly. And with that, his large black boots walked him out the bedroom, and out the door.

You let out a faint sigh, creeping back to your room to sort out your weapons. You were sure it was something you said that scared him off. I guess at 93 you have to be living off too much borrowed time, you speculated. You absentmindedly set up your pistols, your mind not being able to wander from the Winter Soldier. Maybe annoying the Red Room girls would get your mind off it.

[lyradaisical]

Oof, I totally did not keep up on my travel log after that first post. I didn't do a ton while in Singapore since I only had nights and weekends to sightsee. So I only hit up the basic places that people recommended seeing. Let's see how much I can remember now that it's been weeks since I got home lol.

The Hotel:

I stayed in the financial district during my time in Singapore, which means tall business buildings everywhere. The hotel I stayed at was above several office floors, so being 40+ floors up and looking out of the window was always an uncomfortable experience.

The bulk of the patrons were businesspeople there for work, which meant that it was a fairly quiet stay. No rowdy children or adults. Also, a mostly empty pool lol

I had expected to have to go out for breakfast every morning, but to my surprise: complimentary breakfast! Here's just an example of what I'd have in the mornings:

Overall, it was a nice experience. However...

I did get stuck in an elevator, which I now have nightmares about. On the way up to my room, the elevator was oddly slow and shaky and suddenly stopped at the 35th floor. I assumed that someone on the 35th wanted to get on. But the elevator just stalled there, shaking ever so slightly, and then the lights went out. I went through a few minutes of internally freaking out before I pressed the emergency button. The lights eventually turned back on and it took me back down to the lobby. Elevator rides will never be the same again.

Nightly Sightseeing:

Being in the financial district meant that there were a few things in the area for tourists to check out. The first thing I saw was the Marina Bay Sands light & water show which takes place every evening. I, unfortunately, did not get the greatest viewing spot, but it was interesting to watch nonetheless.

Behind me was the popular "boat hotel", as my husband calls it. I ended up going to the area on a different night to try to get a nicer photograph of the hotel. The light show also happened to be on at the time if you look close enough in the photo.

Gardens by the Bay:

Another popular spot nearby, Gardens by the Bay is a large nature park for anyone who enjoys greenery. Unfortunately, I'm not someone who handles heat and humidity (mosquitoes!) well, so that always takes my enjoyment down some. Walking through the park is free but there are two conservatories there you can pay to visit and get some relief from the heat. I did spend most of my time in the conservatories since it was a bit too dark to enjoy the outdoors. This park also has a light and music show every evening.

Here are some of my favorite pictures from the conservatories:

The Zoo:

Arguably my favorite part of Singapore. The vibe was just so much nicer than any zoo I've been to in the states; lots of greenery made it more immersive as opposed to the almost concrete jungle of some of the zoos here.

Back to the Airport:

As stated in my last post, I wanted to check out what the hype surrounding the airport was about. With my flight being in the evening and hotel checkout time being noon, I had several hours to explore.

There is a mall connected to the airport which I imagine a lot of people appreciate when they have to kill time. Though the downside is that you can't buy much when you have to get on a plane later unless you have space in your baggage. I did snag some Pikachus from the Pokemon store. As with most other places, there's a lot of water and greenery on display. The top floor had various attractions but I didn't do any of them. Honestly, my favorite part was the banana-shaped caution sign.

There is also a butterfly garden in the airport, which was very fascinating. Of course, being butterfly-friendly meant the garden was quite hot and humid and so I was pouring sweat a few minutes into being in there.

Bonus koi pond by the coffee shop:

That's basically it for my trip. It wasn't super eventful but it was relaxing. This isn't much of a log but I at least wanted to share some of the photos I took.

Hopefully the next time I go on a trip, I take better logs lol.

[dontasktheradiodemon]

Secret Night Picnic

What's more romantic than having a midnight picnic, slow dancing together, and making love beneath the stars... on top of the concrete slab covering the grave where you buried your shitty ex “alive”?

tl;dr Alastor and Telly @usedhearts being sweet & romantic, but like, still like villains.

(last 1/3 of the thread is nsfw; I’m keeping it all together in one chat log anyway bc it’s part of the natural flow of the date night as opposed to a sudden shift in the topic.)

Sir Pentious

A dark night on the outskirts of Pentagram City usually precluded violence of some kind. Two dangerous sinners walking along usually spelt trouble. Not tonight though.

Tonight, they were going for a picnic. Telly held the basket on his arm, a blanket folded over it as well, a typical red and white picnic affair. The sight of the picnic isn't what one would generally classify as 'romantic', but it had other significance.

"Here we are," he said, when they reached another section of undisturbed concrete. It looked just like all the other concrete around, but it held a secret. That of someone buried underneath. Telly spread the blanket and settled on it, setting the basket down.

"George is here, underneath this slab." He reached to pat the exact spot.

Alastor

To Alastor’s eyes, the scene was incredibly romantic! A clear, moonlit night... a meal together out in the open rather than hidden in a grounded airship or a discreet corner booth... celebrating their love atop the grave of somebody who’d been unworthy of it...

Why, they even had a nice, level surface to have their picnic on, what could be better. “He makes for a fine table!” Alastor plopped himself down cheerily. “Tell me about this spot here! These aren’t *all* lovers who wronged you, are they?”

Sir Pentious

Telly laughed, shaking his head. "No, no, of course not. George is the only one buried here. The rest is to make sure that the only person who knows which one he's under is me-- Well, now, us."

He smiled, reaching to take Alastor's hand and give it a squeeze.

Alastor

Alastor squeezed back. “Really? Am I the only one?”

Sir Pentious

"Yes, you are. Not even any of the Eggs have ever been here. Not Hel either. You're the only one." He leaned over to kiss Alastor softly.

"Now, what did you pack for our picnic?"

Alastor

“Number 9 is going to hardboil himself with jealousy.” Alastor beamed.

“Nothing too exotic, just some picnic staples!” He rummaged through the basket. “Chicken paninis, macaroni salad, turkey sandwiches, cucumber-dill salad, broccoli slaw, salmon deviled eggs, hand pies for dessert... Oh, and these prosciutto pinwheels, don’t they look fancy! Give me a second to reheat the sandwiches, it melts the Brie and really brings out the flavor of the figs—“ This man heard “picnic” and packed enough to feed five people.

Sir Pentious

Telly blinked at the list and looked at the basket. How had he fit all that in there-- Actually that was a silly question, this was _Alastor_ after all.

"Sounds delicious, love." He chuckled. "But I don't think we two are going to be able to eat _all_ of that. We'll probably have leftovers."

Alastor

He paused, considered that, and looked over the sheer amount of food he was laying out on the blanket. Huh. “... Then we’ll be enjoying this picnic for the next few days, won’t we!”

Sir Pentious

"Yes, I think we will." He chuckled and leaned over to kiss Alastor's cheek.

"Now, what does the expert chef think his lovely taster should try first?" Telly winked.

Alastor

“The pinwheels! I’m especially proud of how they look.” He reached into the basket and pulled out... an entire tea kettle... He definitely used magic to fit everything in the basket. “I got the supplies for a watermelon lemonade before I realized we’d be out here at night when it’s cooler, and who wants lemonade at *night*—so instead I pilfered some mint tea I found in your stash, I thought it might be refreshing with some watermelon chunks in it!”

Sir Pentious

"Oh that sounds lovely. A nice warm minty melony tea." He chuckled, before reaching for one of the pinwheels. Telly took a bite and hummed in appreciation.

"Mm, delicious as always, my hart." He reached his free hand over to stroke his cheek with his knuckles.

Alastor

He automatically smiled wider at the touch. “I thought coming out here at night would mean it’s a little less hot, but here you are, trying to make me melt anyway.” He set the kettle on the concrete beside their blanket, pointed a finger at it and told it, “You figure out how to boil and I’ll check back on you in a couple of minutes,” and leaned against Telly. “So! What’s our agenda tonight?” He popped a deviled egg in his mouth. “Just dinner? Telling ghost stories in the dark? Simulating an earthquake for our underground friend?”

Sir Pentious

Telly wrapped an arm around Alastor's waist, holding him close against his side as he purred.

"I was thinking just dinning, maybe daintily feeding each other, like in the movies--" He stopped and his face scrunched a moment. "Wait, what do you mean, simulating an earthquake?"

Alastor

“You know—rattle the landscape a little, maybe accidentally crush his can down there—I was joking though, I don’t think I could actually do that without cracking all the concrete slabs out here. And Hentai doesn’t like to be called after five. Hah! Kidding—he doesn’t have a human concept of time.” He beamed up at Telly. “But I’m liking this dainty-feeding idea! I can cut up the paninis and sandwiches, they’d be perfect.”

Sir Pentious

"Oh! Oh, alright," He said, laughing. No, he doesn't look a little embarrassed or disappointed, not at all. Telly kissed his temple.

"Sounds good! Very good and romantic." He playfully nudged Alastor.

Alastor

“It sounds like something in an old Hollywood romance, doesn’t it. And decadently so. I don’t think there was anything in the Hays Code against feeding each other finger food, but it feels like there ought to have been!” He pulled over the sandwiches and started slicing them up—and glanced at Telly as he did. He was sure he’d glimpsed a hint of disappointment, hadn’t he?

“If you *want* me to shake up the area, I could,” he said. “I only said it as a joke because I figured you wouldn’t want all your slabs damaged! But if you don’t mind, I can certainly make it happen.” Look at him, so earnest. A very caring boyfriend who is very wrong about what Telly wants.

Sir Pentious

"I'm glad that I died before all that Hays Code nonsense, it sounds like a load of hogwash to me." He took another bite of the prosciutto, shrugging a bit.

At the reply, he blinked and quickly swallowed so he wouldn't choke as he laughed. "Oh, no, no darling, that's-- that's not it." He looked away and rubbed the back of his neck. "I was...thinking you meant something else."

Alastor

“Oh, it certainly was nonsense! I died just before they planned to start *really* enforcing it, luckily—at least luckily as far as my moviegoing experience is concerned. Mimzy tells me she hasn’t met an actor who’s died since ‘34 who hasn’t detested the Code.”

A blank blink. “Something else like what—an earthquake weapon? That’s *your* specialty, *mon roi.*” Give him a few seconds. “... *Oh!*”

Sir Pentious

Telly smirked at that-- seemed like Alastor finally got it. He leaned over to kiss his cheek. "Adorable."

He cleared his throat. "Anyway, I remember seeing around the Youknowwho-blr, a picture that specifically violated as many of the Hays Code policies as possible-- and it was some picture!"

Alastor

Adorable, huh. He’d take the hit to his dignity in exchange for the affection.

“Hah! What was the picture of—the 7 p.m. line at Hellbucks?” He offered a bite of heated-up panini to Telly. “Show me that picture if you see it again.”

Sir Pentious

"I'll be sure to save it if I see it again. It was something like a woman in next to nothing pointing a gun as a man laying on the ground." Telly leaned in, mouth open and very gently took the bite of panini. He chewed and smiled, picking up one to offer back to Alastor.

Alastor

Oh... hand-feeding really was romantic. For a couple of seconds all Alastor could focus on was the teeth grazing so close to his fingers. He nipped affectionately at the tips of Telly's as he accepted his own bite. "We should keep midnight picnics on our list of date nights to repeat in the future."

Sir Pentious

It was indeed quite romantic, and Telly purred at the nip. "Mm, yes, I definitely agree with that."

He chuckled, picking up another bit of sandwich to feed to Alastor. "So, if the Hays Code wasn't being enforced when you died, what sort of regulations were there?"

Alastor

Regulations? Oh, right, they'd been talking about movies. "Local ones, mainly!" He snapped up his bite and offered another to Telly. "By the end of the twenties, most states had censhorship boards to review films. That's one of the things that caused the Hays Code, see—Hollywood figured out that in a few years they'd have to be making fifty different versions of the same film to meet each state's guidelines, so they made their own guidelines first. But the state boards had more holes than Swiss cheese, plenty of good stuff made it through."

Sir Pentious

Telly leaned down to take the bite, letting his tongue flick out over Alastor's fingers as he did.

"Mm, that makes sense. But I've seen some of the things said in the Hays Code and they're just ridiculous, honestly."

Alastor

Alastor rolled his eyes. "Isn't that the truth." He flopped down to use Telly's tail as a pillow, and from there kept feeding him sandwich bites and eggs and pinwheels while they talked. "I don't think I agreed with any of their rules! Maybe 'don't show actual footage of a man dying,' I think that was one—not because I'd have *minded* the sight, but out of respect to the dead, you know. But maybe if some fellows on death row signed off permission for people to watch them die. I think I'd have done that."

Sir Pentious

"I always found the one such as 'law cannot be defeated' or 'cannot show a weapon being pointed' as the most ridiculous. The actual footage of death makes sense, though--" He took every bite that Alastor gave him, humming and chewing. He made sure to return each one, carefully lowering them into his partner-in-crime's sharp jaws.

Alastor

He peppered Telly's fingertips with nibbles, quick licks, and kisses in return for each bite. "Can't show a—I forgot about that one! How in the world did they make war movies after the Code started getting enforced? Did they point sticks at each other and yell 'bang'?" He shook his head in disbelief. "I was almost in a war movie down here—and they used live ammunition! That's the way to do it!"

Sir Pentious

"No idea! I think they just ignored that one, as they ended up doing with most, I believe. People found ways around them, as they do, and we're all better for it." He laughed, running the fingers of his free hand through Alastor's hair. He fed him another bite as he leaned down to kiss his forehead.

"A war movie? I suppose it was one for the Great War? That's the one you were in, yes?"

Alastor

He tilted his head to accept the kiss. "Yessir! This was back in the thirties, before there were posters of me everywhere and sometimes I could still have conversations. I thought I'd take a shot at the silver screen! They were looking for demons who could speak French and pass as human without much makeup."

Sir Pentious

"You know, I've always wondered about those poster-- who makes them? Who puts them up? Why are they so sloppily put together?" His face scrunched into a squint and the end of his tail started to wrap around one of Alastor's legs, somewhat protectively.

"I wonder because they are EVERYWHERE on the Pentagram. In the city, and on the outskirts, you can't walk a block without seeing one! Who is it that's _so_ very dedicated to warning people about you?'

Alastor

"I'd have *one* suspect if they didn't start popping up before he did. But he certainly encourages it. I've seen public service announcements." He tugged his feet up closer, giving Telly more room to wrap around him. "They're not there to warn people about me—they're there to ensure *I* know the people have been warned about me. What's the best way to get a pathological chatterbox to move past your café, if not to plaster the window with posters telling him he won't get a good conversation inside?" He smiled bitterly. "Of course, contrary scoundrel I am, I'd just walk right in if the sign said 'Radio Demon, go away!' So what do the signs say instead? 'Watch out!'"

Sir Pentious

"Mm, yes, he does, doesn't he?" His face scrunched again as he idly scratched Alastor's scalp, his claws gentle around the base of his ears and antlers.

"I wonder if it started out as someone genuinely trying to warn people about you because of your dangerous reputation, and then it just became a way to sort of ward you off-- or if it was always intended to ward you off? But if that was the case, then how did they _know_ that would ward you away and _not_ simply backfire like trying to bar you from places would? It's either purposefully genius tactic or accidentally."

Telly stroked his chin with his free hand, before picking up another deviled egg to feed Alastor.

Alastor

"It was probably genuine originally! Somebody thinking they were looking out for their neighbors, maybe. And I'd bet the intent to warn is still there, at least in part—how are they going to keep new arrivals from talking to me but by informing them? But the overarching motive isn't a charitable effort to protect others from me, but a selfish effort to protect *themselves* from me." A sigh.

He almost missed the egg; he'd shut his eyes to revel in the scratching on his scalp. "There's a lot more than there used to be. Most of them are photocopies if the same poster. If I ever get my hands on that artist..."

Sir Pentious

"Mm, yes, photocopies seem to be the only way to make as many as there are. Can you imagine back in our day, how many hours it would've taken to make that many by hand? I can't even fathom it." He hummed, his tail now fully coiled around Alastor's legs.

"I do wonder about that art, though-- why _are_ you wearing a circus tent?" Telly chuckled.

Alastor

"Ha! Someone would have made a woodcut or something, I'm sure. How do illustrations get printed in books—whatever it is they do."

He shifted a bit, getting cozy in the coil; then stuck a fork in the slaw and held it up to Telly's face, smiling sweetly with his entirely un-romantic offering. He was probably going to get as much slaw on his face as Telly got in his mouth, wasn't he? "My self-introduction to Hell started in a circus—that's where I crashed down. I wasn't sure if I'd get my clothes to grow with me, so I took the tent along in case. I ended up wearing it like a cape."

Sir Pentious

The bite was halfway in his mouth when Alastor's last sentence hit, and the urge to laugh punched him in the gut. The effect, of course, was that none of the slaw ended up in Telly's mouth, and _all_ of it ended up _all over_ Alastor.

Which just made Telly laugh even more.

"Oh! Oh no, love, I'm sorry-- you can't just hit me with the image of you wearing a circus tent like a cape whilst also trying to feed me! Oh, what a mess!!" He wheezed, half folding over Alastor's head in his fit.

Alastor

He looked up at Telly laughing with eyebrows raised and a patient smile, and then just as patiently wiped the slaw off his face and ate it himself. "You're forgiven." He raised his head and started picking bits off of his lapels.

Sir Pentious

"Oh, dear, here let me help." He picked up a napkin and began to gently wipe off Alastor's face, and the spots on his outfit where the slaw landed. The entire time, he continued to try his best to stop laughing.

Once Alastor was clean(ish), Telly wrapped his arms around him and kissed his cheek. "I love you, my very patient and forgiving partner-in-crime."

Alastor

He laced his hands over his stomach and kept on patiently smiling as he was cleaned. "I knew I was tempting fate, anyway." He returned the kiss. "But I'll have you know I looked good in that tent."

Sir Pentious

"You must've, considering that that's the image the poster-maker chose to immortalize." Telly picked up a fork, getting a nice forkful of the slaw, holding his hand under it to offer to Alastor, a peace offering after the botched feeding.

"I simply thought the idea of you wearing it as a cape after was very funny, but considering all you were doing, it must've been a fearsome sight."

Alastor

His smile wilted a little. "I suppose it must have." He ate the slaw. "You know, it tastes better straight from the fork."

Sir Pentious

Oh, no, that was the opposite of what he'd wanted to do. "I bet it does." He moved closer again, removing Hattie to set him aside. He wrapped his arm around Alastor's waist and laid his cheek on his shoulder.

"You regret it? The rampage? I know you told me before how much you dislike how everyone fears you now, but do you think you would've done things differently, had you known what would happen?"

Alastor

Alastor sat up to wrap his arms around Telly in return. “I would have done it completely differently,” he said. “Waited a week or two, did my research, chose my targets more carefully. I would have only hit overlords—and unpopular ones, at that. No punching down. Minimal civilian casualties, and no mentioning them on air. Less screams, more jokes. I would have framed it as something I was doing *for* Hell rather than *to* Hell.” He sighed deeply. “If only.”

Sir Pentious

Telly nodded, tilting his head to press a kiss to Alastor's jaw. "Sounds like you've thought about that a lot."

He sighed and closed his eyes, giving Alastor a squeeze. "I've thought a lot about if I would've done things differently, too. I wouldn't have relied on Leclerq's help as much. I would've made sure not to bite off more than I could chew, be more cautious. I never, _never_ would have even spoken to V--...to you know who.

"But I can't go back and change things. And who knows what differences there would be if I had? I might never have met you." He lifted his head and smiled, kissing Alastor's cheek. "And I am very, _very_ glad that I did."

Alastor

A nod. He *had* thought about it, countless times.

He listened quietly at Telly listed off his own regrets. He wasn’t surprised his alternate was at the top of the list. Alastor was sure he was at the top of Telly’s alternate’s list.

His weak smile perked up a bit. “I’m glad I made it to this place with you—I just wish to God I hadn’t burned so many bridges on my way here.”

Sir Pentious

"Yes, that is regrettable. But there's nothing to be done about it now. What's done is done, the past is the past. We're here now, though, together. And that's what matters."

He smiled wider, taking Alastor's face into his hand as he kissed his lips. "I'm still hungry, let's try that pasta salad."

Alastor

“Past is the past,” he agreed with a sigh. But his smile was looking more natural. “And the future is the future, and *my,* is it looking bright. The present isn’t too shabby either.”

He forked up a bit of the salad to present to Telly. “In all of humanity’s culinary history, I can’t think of any food more passionate or alluring than this: cold macaroni salad. This, my darling, is peak romance!”

Sir Pentious

Telly chuckled, this time before taking the bite, no more laughing food all over his boyfriend. He chewed and hummed, nodding.

"I must agree with you, darling, but only because _you_ made it, and with love, obviously." He winked.

Alastor

“Stirred it right into the dressing with the mayonnaise and mustard,” he said cheerfully. And does he realize that this, too, could be interpreted the wrong way? No. No he does not.

Sir Pentious

"Mm, yes, I can tell." He leaned in for another little kiss. He was just going to let that one slide. Not every innuendo Alastor accidentally made did he need to point out.

"Weren't we going to have tea with this too?"

Alastor

And that, right there, is true love.

His eyes flew wide open. “The *tea!*” He’d completely forgotten. He reached over to grab it up. “You! You’d better have stopped boiling by now!”

It had, but he was afraid it was going to be far too strong. He fished a cup out of the picnic basket, poured a tiny bit out, and grimaced. “*Oh,* goodness. At least we have the watermelon to water it down.”

Sir Pentious

"It'll be fine, darling, you know I like my tea strong." He smiled and nudged him gently.

"But the watermelon, yes! I want some of that. Did it come from the living world?"

Alastor

“Is there an upper limit to that?” He passed over the cup.

“It came from the bougie part of town, who knows where it was before that! I didn’t check whether it was imported or local.” It would have been fitting if he’d pulled an entire watermelon out of the basket, given everything else he’d crammed in; but no, just a Tupperware stuffed with ice cube-sized chunks, marinading in their own juice.

Sir Pentious

Telly took a sip and flicked his tongue a bit. "Hmm, it _is_ a bit oversteeped, but not badly enough to warrant making a new pot! The watermelon will surely salvage it."

He grinned and leaned in to flick his tongue at the watermelon-- though, of course, he couldn't smell it with the lid on.

Alastor

Alastor popped the lid off. Behold: the watermelon. Smells like watermelon.  “Serve yourself however much you want.”

Sir Pentious

Telly plucked a cube from the tupperware....and just ate it. He made an appreciative noise before grabbing another to put in his cup. And a third that also went into the cup.

"Mm, it tastes very good." He took a sip of the tea and his purr started up. "And it goes wonderfully with the tea, definitely saves it."

Alastor

“Good! Glad to hear it.” He poured himself another cup, tossed in a couple cubes, and winced. “You know, I’m actually not fond of the flavor of watermelon, either?” A sardonic smile. “But the tastes compliment each other, I can admit that.”

Sir Pentious

Telly giggled, and then took another sip.

"Look at you, grin and bearing your way through tea and watermelon just for me." He leaned over to kiss his cheek.

Alastor

“I *did* think you might enjoy it!” He turned to meet Telly’s kiss. “... Although I think it tastes better in your mouth than in mine.”

Sir Pentious

"Oh, do you?" Telly took another sip, a devious glint in his eyes. He set aside his cup and took Alastor's face in his hand, leaning in to kiss him, tongue flicking against his teeth to be let in.

Alastor

Telly barely needed to ask, this was exactly what Alastor was hoping for. He leaned into the kiss.

Sir Pentious

He smiled briefly into the kiss, and then gently pushed Alastor's shoulder back, guiding him down. It was time for making out, the snake had decided.

Alastor

The movement passed unanimously. He'd been waiting to get to this part since they'd started teasing each other's fingertips. Something new to get his teeth on.

Aaand cue the sappy background music, courtesy of your local Radio Demon.

Sir Pentious

He probably should've been expecting the music, but he didn't. Telly laughed softly against Alastor's lips, kissing him deeper as it played. He unbuttoned Alastor's collar to kiss down onto his neck, scraping his teeth there.

Alastor

Alastor blinked in surprise. Really, unbuttoning his shirt? He hadn't expected that. But then who was around to see? They were probably less likely to be caught here than they were on the airship—no Eggs to barge in.

He tilted his head back to give Telly more room, gazing up at the stars. "... Do you know what I think would be lovely?"

Sir Pentious

"Mm, what's that, darling?" He asked, pressing soft kisses to his neck. He gave a teasing nip and then pulled back to smile at him.

Alastor

Alastor gave Telly a mischievous smirk, then bounded to his feet and pulled Telly up with him—with a little magical assistance. The moon and stars still gave off their usual reddish glow, but the ground seemed illuminated by a sourceless neon light. Surprise! Time to dance!

"*Midnight with the stars and you...*" He twirled Telly across the suddenly supernaturally slick concrete slab, then dipped him dramatically. "*... Midnight and a rendezvous.*" Smooch.

Sir Pentious

It all happened so quickly-- one moment, he was laying on top of Alastor, and the next they were both up and twirling. His hood flared from surprise, but he laughed, moving in time. It was so much easier to dance when there was no friction.

He hummed along to the song as they danced, Telly stealing kisses at every opportunity. What a feeling-- giddy and light and floating, twirling around like he always wanted to at a ball. It was so effortless!

When the song ended, he smiled wide, his hood flared fully with his excitement. "Oh, another one! More, I want to dance more!"

Alastor

That's the power of Radio Demon magic, baby. And oh, ever since the Mardi Gras ball, he's been dying to dance with Telly properly. To help him glide gracefully across the ground, aided by invisible shadows and strange physics just enough to let Telly move freely in spite of his long tail.

Telly wasn't the first snake Alastor had helped dance like this—but try not to think about that. That ballroom had been a long time ago, and here with a picnic under the stars... Completely different.

All the same, he couldn't help but to say, "Why, I'd be happy to! I haven't happened to mention that I'm an expert at helping snakes dance, have I?" He hooked a finger in Telly's bow tie to pull him closer, then oh-so-casually untied it and unbuttoned the top of his shirt. If Telly could undo Alastor a little bit, then Alastor could return the favor. "Granted, I haven't gotten in a lot of practice, but I bet I could show you a trick or two." Snippets from a half dozen songs played as he tried to select the best tune for their next dance.

Sir Pentious

Alastor wasn't the only one remembering the Madri Gras ball. Telly's mind also wandered back to that night, and how they'd held each other and just swayed. That had been splendid, but this....this was perfect. Twirling with him under the moonlight, on the grave of his ex-lover. How much more romantic could it get?

Apparently, at least fractionally, as his breath hitched when Alastor tugged him close by the bowtie. Oh, oh, that was hot. His hood stayed flared, and he purred.

"You may have mentioned that before, if I recall." He chuckled, letting his hands rest on Alastor's waist. "I do have a song request, Mr. Radio Demon, if you don't mind." He winked.

Alastor

"Oh do you! You know, this station doesn't play just anybody's requests—but yours, we're always happy to put on air." Maybe... another couple of buttons. Get that deep-cleavage Fabio look going on. "By all means. What'll it be?"

Sir Pentious

"I was thinking 'I Could Have Danced All Night'." He smirked and flicked his tongue at Alastor. Was he going to completely undress him? Well, Telly didn't mind, not at all.

Alastor

Not quite—although Mr. Hays might have something to say about Telly's wardrobe. "With pleasure! And how fitting. *I could have daaanced all night, and still have begged for more...*"

He pulled Telly close as they started to dance again; but a few measures later, when he pulled out from Telly at arm's length to attempt to twirl him (and probably trip them both), his eyes were instead caught by an unexpected light: lines peeking out from the unbuttoned shirt on Telly's chest, glowing white under the sourceless black light. "Oh, hello! What's this?"

Sir Pentious

Telly laughed as they started to dance again, and sang along in bursts when he thought to. He was entranced enough that when Alastor stopped, he blinked and had to take a moment to refocus.

"What's what?" He asked, brow furrowing. He tried to look down and see what Alastor had spotted but couldn't quiet do it.

Alastor

Alastor unbuttoned Telly's jacket and slid it and his shirt over his shoulders, not enough to completely strip him but enough to see more of the lines. Sigils? "I hope these are supposed to be there?" (Don't mind him while his mind frantically runs through all the heavy-hitters he knows that use magic symbols on people's skin to target or control them.)

Sir Pentious

It was when Alastor pushed his clothes apart that Telly was finally able to get a good look. He gasped and his hood flared-- though he was smiling, very widely in fact.

"OH! OH! MY TATTOOS! I THOUGHT I'D LOST THEM!! LOOK AT THAT!!"

Alastor

"Your *tattoos*? When did *that* happen!" He wasn't going to completely undress Telly right out in the open to try to get a better look, but he stepped back to see them more fully.

Sir Pentious

If Alastor wasn't going to undress him, then Telly would. He just tossed off his coat and shirt, revealing the tattoos in full.

A pair of snakes wound their ways up either arm, ending with open fanged mouths on his pecks– now on either side of his chest eye. And then another pair wound up from his hips, around his back and up to his chest again, framing the eye from the bottom. And the final one, an ouroboros around his neck, biting it’s tail like it was a necklace.

"They happened back when I was alive! I thought I'd lost them when I died!"

Alastor

Oh, well, if *Telly* was going to finish undressing *himself,* Alastor wasn't about to protest at all. Especially if it meant he got to see that Telly was covered in art. Secret hidden art! Art that only Alastor's magic could reveal!

He circled Telly slowly, one hand trailing along one of the snakes wrapped around his back, tracing its path. "Look at *that.*" His voice was hushed. "Beautiful."

Sir Pentious

Telly shivered at the touch, his tongue flicking out, and he smiled. He glanced down at the slab they were on and his smile turned to a devilish smirk.

"You know, George _hated_ my tattoos. I got the this one first–” He touched his neck. “And he despised it. Said it looked ridiculous. He even tried to stop me from getting more, but I did it anyway. Got the ones on my arms next, and then the ones around my torso were the last.”

Alastor

"George has no taste!" Alastor tapped a foot loudly on the slab—you hear him? He bent forward to kiss the ouroboros's face. "What kind of a buffoon gets the greatest mind in England in his bed, and then is only interested in his body instead of his mind—and then on top of that, doesn't even fully appreciate his body?" He kissed each of the other snake faces in turn. "... What were they surrounding before you had an eye there?"

Sir Pentious

“Oh, nothing. I had plans for another, but well, it fell through after I ran to Dover. No tattooists in Dover in 1870.” He chuckled and shrugged.

"But I agree, he has no taste, because _I_ think they look quite dashing, don't you?" Telly stood up taller, his hood folded and sleek. He turned his head to the side and posed with his hand folded under his chin.

Alastor

"Incredibly dashing! Dashing and a bit dastardly! You look like you ought to be sword fighting Douglas Fairbanks on a pirate ship." Maybe with a tricorn hat on to complete the look. Any other clothes optional. "What was the last tattoo going to be?"

Sir Pentious

He chuckled, looking down at his chest again, a small purr starting to rumble inside.

"Would you believe an eye?" Telly smirked, looking back over at Alastor. "I thought it would look neat! And I was right."

Alastor

Alastor laughed. "You know, I find things tend to work out like that down here!" He slid his arms around Telly's waist, tugging him close again.

Sir Pentious

The purr kicked up a notch as he smiled down at Alastor. He leaned in for a kiss, his hands resting on his shoulders.

"Hm, I think we were dancing before we got distracted, weren't we?"

Alastor

"I think we were! We'll finish 'I Could Have Danced All Night' properly in a bit, but..." This time, he pulled Telly into a waltz.

Sir Pentious

Oh, yes! A waltz! He knows this one. Telly smiled wider as they danced. It was so much easier to move with whatever magic Alastor had done, he loved it. "Hah! This is very fun...I'd forgotten just how much!"

Alastor

Alastor had thought he might know this one. "Somebody ought to have helped you do this a century ago. You shouldn't have had to wait for me to get to dance again." And around they went, circling their picnic blanket. "So what dances *do* you know?"

Sir Pentious

Twirl, twirl, spin, around they went. This actually seemed easier now, without legs to fumble over. That made him chuckle.

"This, the waltz….and the two-step….that’s about all. I've wanted to learn more, though, I just never had a partner.”

Alastor

"Oh, we're going to have fun! What do you *want* to learn?" Another turn... and then Alastor abruptly switched their hand positions, think fast Telly, you're leading now.

Sir Pentious

Oh, oh shit, he’s leading– well, at least he no longer had feet to step on Alastor’s! He stumbled through the first motions before getting a handle on things, remembering how the lead was supposed to move.

“I suppose anything with complicated footwork is out, but perhaps tango? That seems do-able. Or swing?”

Alastor

He stumbled as well on one of the first turns, he'd forgotten that the follow had to make bigger turns. "Ooh, tango! I doubt we'll ever get you tap dancing, but for most dances with fancy footwork I'm sure we can come up with a modification that lets you keep up." He paused thoughtfully. "I take back what I said about tap dancing. Now I want to strap castanets to your tail and see what we can come up with."

Sir Pentious

“Oh, well, won’t that be a sight. I was thinking more a single shoe just on the tip of my tail.” He winked and chuckled, pressing a bit closer.

"Just imagine, you doing a routine and me, adding in a single 'tap-tap' here or there with my tail." He snorted and giggled.

Alastor

"HA! If you can pull it off, I want to see!" He laughed. "Have you ever seen *Young Frankenstein*"—the music abruptly shifted to "Puttin' On the Ritz"—"that bit where Frankenstein is doing an elaborate tap-dance routine on stage, and every once in a while he points at the monster and he stomps a couple of times—except you can just... slap your tail on the stage."

Sir Pentious

"Oh! Yes, I have seen that-- HAHA! That part is very good. Yes, exactly like that." He'd snort and giggle a few more times, almost messing up the steps-- he'd forgotten he was leading, whoops.

“I’d need a very, very good teacher to do it, though-- that level of skill necessary to slap my tail onto a stage is something that can only be taught by a master!"

Alastor

The fact that he was trying to waltz to "Puttin' on the Ritz" probably didn't help. It was like trying to draw a triangle whose corners matched up perfectly with a trapezoid's. "A *master*, now! Oh, *well!* I can't help you there." He shrugged. "I'm only a so-so tap dancer. But! If you don't mind being a so-so tap dancer too, it would be my honor to teach you!" He put on his most winning smile. Mediocrity has never looked so appealing.

Sir Pentious

“I’d only be tapping with one shoe, I think so-so will cut it!” He chuckled, leaning down to kiss him-- and again, almost falling over.

"Darling, I think we need a change of song, Puttin' on the Ritz is nice, but it's messing with my rhythm."

Alastor

"You're right, you're right! I'm sorry." He switched back to the original waltz. "Don't you worry—we'll get anyone who sees you saying, 'Hey, that snake's not half bad!' No one will be able to say you've got two left feet!" Oh, he was on a roll. "But maybe the tango first."

Sir Pentious

“Yes I think I’d like the tango first before we delve into the comical!” When the song switched back, he started moving more fluidly again, humming along to the tune. The hand at Alastor's waist moved in, starting to slyly undo the buttons on his coat.

Alastor

He prepared to move his hands when Telly's slipped off his waist, were they switching leads again—? Oh, no. Telly was pulling a different sly little trick. All right, that was fair; compared to Telly, Alastor was a little overdressed. He kept on dancing as if he was completely oblivious to the fingers tugging at his buttons. (A couple trapped shreds of coleslaw fell out of his coat. Farewell.) "Of course! No need for us to do everything at once! We're going to have plenty of time to figure all this out, aren't we?"

Sir Pentious

“Yes, plenty. As much time as we want.” He smiled and leaned in to flick his tongue against Alastor's cheek-- and as a distraction from the hand now sliding inside of Alastor's coat to undo his shirt buttons.

Alastor

Alastor tilted his head in closer to catch the tickling touch to his cheek while obligingly keeping his body far enough out to give Telly's hand room to manipulate the buttons. "For the record, I don't think I have any hidden tattoos under my clothing. If I *do*, they're a surprise to *me*! But it doesn't hurt to check, does it?"

Sir Pentious

"No, doesn't hurt to check," He said, purring. Their waltz had devolved into a slow, lazy twirl as Telly's hand got the buttons unbuttoned, and the shirts untucked. It then slid underneath to scratch and grip at Alastor's side.

"Mm, think I want that earthquake now." He turned his head to capture Alastor's lips.

Alastor

"O-*ho*!" Alastor stopped dancing completely as they kissed, only swaying slightly on his feet to the rhythm of the music. "Really! Out here under the open sky, completely exposed? You never know who might pass by with a seismometer! How *exciting.*"

Sir Pentious

"Scandalous, isn't it? I do love a bit of scandal." He grinned, his kissing trailing down Alastor's neck as he had earlier.

"Touch me," He whispered against his skin, getting his other hand under Alastor's shirt too. Both hands now gripped his waist, digging the tips of his claws in enough to prick the skin.

Alastor

"Oh, it would be a wonderful scandal! We'd be the most exciting thing to hit the tabloids in years," Alastor murmured. "What are they publishing these days? 'Guess which power couple can't decide whether or not they're still together for the hundredth issue in a row.' 'Top five Goetias our readers think might have an angel kink.' Yawn."

He obeyed the command immediately, hands trailing from Telly's shoulders down his back and along his sides, slowing to linger at his gills, rubbing in small circles as he spoke. "I like ours much better. 'The Radio Demon and Sir Pentious caught rocking each other's worlds! Earth-shaking affair between orchestrator of worst solo act of carnage in Hell's history and throne-seeking supervillain extraordinaire! Magnitude 9 quakes registered in their wake as they leave Pentagram City devastated. Hell on edge as the aftershocks are felt in the furthest rings.'"

Sir Pentious

The attention to his gills had him gasping soft noises against Alastor's throat. He pressed the tips of his fangs there, letting his breath fan against Alastor's skin.

His claws dug a little deeper, and he groaned softly. "Mm, can't wait until we can reveal ourselves. Once I have enough territory and influence that blockhead or any of the other overlords can't find a way to slap me back down, they're going to be in for a reckoning."

A whimper left him, his teeth scraping against Alastor's neck, as he felt his sheath begin to part; it looked like the dicks were arriving on cue.

Alastor

"I can't wait, either." He nuzzled his nose against Telly's face, head tipped down so that Telly's hood hid his mouth as he murmured, "Someday, all of Hell is going to find out we're together—and their reaction is going to be terror. They'll know that with our forces combined, all of Hell will be *helpless* before us."

One hand crept around to the small of Telly's back, claws prickling lightly across his skin. It pulled Telly closer, pressing their hips together. "Part of me even wants them to see this. I want them to know I'm utterly obsessed with you—every inch of you, in every way."

Sir Pentious

His breath caught and sped at Alastor's words, the pricking of his claws sending shivers down his spine. His own claws slid around to Alastor's back, and dug in there.

"I want them to know that we would do anything for one another-- that anyone who tried to get to one of us through the other, it would be a futile effort, as either of us could destroy them utterly. I want them all to know that you're mine and I'm yours, and that soon, Hell will be oursssss...."

Telly's mouth opened wide and he bit deep into Alastor's neck, groaning against him.

Alastor

His breath hitched at the bite and he shut his eyes as the pain/pleasure washed over him. "I wish I could show off your bites."

He rocked back on his heels, reveling in how it made the claws in his back dig in a little harder, just long enough to undo his pants. He slid them down to mid-thigh, giving Telly somewhere more comfortable to press his dicks than against Alastor's belt. "You're the virtuoso of invention and I'm the maestro of magic. Between the two of us, we have every other sinner beat on every front. We'll be unstoppable."

Sir Pentious

"I wish you could too. I want everyone to know that you're _mine_." He growled the last word, tongue flicking to lick at the wound. Telly kissed down, moving his hand briefly to push Alastor's coat and shirt aside. The undershirt was still there, but he didn't mind biting right through _that_-- and so he did.

He ground his hips forward, rubbing them against Alastor with a whine. "I wonder....can you stay standing while I _fuck_ your thighs, my hart?"

Alastor

*Mine.* He loved the sound of that. He let go just long enough to shrug off his shirt and coat, then pulled Telly close again.

Could he? That was a good question. From the waist down, Sir Pentious was essentially a sausage the size of two people made of pure muscle, and they didn’t have any walls to brace against. “We can give it a shot. I might need your help to brace me.”

Sir Pentious

"We'll give it the old college try, and if not, well..." He glanced over at the blanket, still spread with food and the basket. "We _do_ have a blanket. But let's try."

Telly grinned, and reached down to press his dicks together. He positioned them right between Alastor's thighs, and purred. "Alright, here goes nothing."

Arms wrapped around Alastor, he started to thrust, slowly, his tail sliding around to coil around the bottoms of Alastor's legs to help keep him steady.

Alastor

“Making love on a picnic blanket *is* a classic. We’ll call that Plan B.” He stood as straight as he could to let Telly get in position, wrapped his arms around his shoulders, and held on.

Alastor was definitely going to be feeling this in his thighs and abs tomorrow—the tail at least kept his feet from sliding back, but it was an effort not to buckle backwards at the waist with each thrust. And Telly hadn’t really gotten going yet. It wasn’t long before Alastor had to take Telly’s hands and place them on his own ass to hold him in place. Usually he wasn’t fond of being held there too long, but it would do a better job of saving Alastor from having to tense up for every thrust than anything else.

Sir Pentious

Oh, and that was something new-- he'd never been allowed to touch the ass before, let alone hold on. His claws flexed and dug in as he groaned, his hips rocking faster.

"Alastor," he whined, breathlessly against his shoulder, leaving a kiss there before biting through the undershirt once more. Telly panted softly, his tongue flicking out repeatedly to taste and smell his blood.

Alastor

He automatically played an alarmed bicycle horn sound effect when Telly squeezed his ass. Sorry.

Now that he didn’t have to focus on keeping himself upright, he could focus on the actual physical experience... which was unfortunate, as it turned out, because he quickly discovered he wasn’t enjoying the physical experience at all. The height difference made it inevitable that some of Telly’s thrusts bucked close enough to Alastor’s groin to send uncomfortable bolts of stimulation through his system; with his pants down and his coat off, his boxer-clad butt was exposed to all of Hell; and there was nothing he could do to contribute or to entertain himself but hold tight and try to focus on the sounds Telly was making. He couldn’t even catch Telly’s mouth for a proper kiss. Subtly shapeshifting away the bulge in his boxers helped with reducing the odd accidental rubs, but it didn’t fix the whole experience.

Okay. He was striking out this position. It had even snapped him out of his lovey-dovey mood. He’d let Telly enjoy it a bit longer, but then he was calling that they switch leads again.

In the meantime, he’d try to coax a little more something for himself out of Telly. “Tell me what you’re feeling,” he murmured, a warm buzzy distortion underlining his words. “I want to hear what this is doing to you.”

Sir Pentious

The horn caused him to startle, hood flaring out as his head snapped up, a louder than average hiss escaping him. Telly blinked and then whined softly, flattening his hood to tuck his face back against Alastor's neck.

And then he felt something oddly _shift_ down below and, while that didn't cause a flare, he did pull his head back again, blinking.

"What--what was that?" He murmured, his hips stilling. He huffed for breath a bit, pulling back enough to be able to see Alastor's face. The words, though, the words made him pause.

"Feeling a bit odd, honestly." He shifted his hands up from Alastor's ass back to his back instead, and pulled his dicks from between his legs, letting them rest between the two of them instead. "Are you....alright?"

Alastor

Ah. He'd killed the mood. Damn. Telly had been enjoying himself so much a moment ago. Alastor had a whole strategy—he'd get to hear in detail all the things Telly was enjoying, and that would give him enough to enjoy himself a bit, and in a couple minutes he could pull out his best stolen-from-a-romantic-movie sultry voice and go *why don't you let me try something a little different* and then they could switch to a more comfortable position...

Well, so much for that. He'd spoiled it. He offered Telly an apologetic smile. "It's not doing it for me. I was going to give you a minute or two and then ask to switch it up."

Sir Pentious

"Alastor..." He lowered himself, cupping Alastor's cheek, his thumb stroking over it. "If you're not enjoying something then I want you to tell me, all right? Right away. I don't want to continue doing something that we don't both like. So next time, just stop me and tell me, and then we can just switch to something else, okay?" He leaned in and kissed him softly.

"I love you, and I want when we're together to always be good for both of us, not just _me_." He straightened and tugged Alastor's pants back up, just enough to be able to allow him to move more easily. He put his hand on Alastor's waist and then took up the classic dancing pose again.

"L is for the way you look at me..." He began to sing softly, swaying a little.

Alastor

Not only had the mood been killed, it was getting field dressed before their very eyes. Damn everything. He leaned into the swaying and pulled up backing music for Telly’s singing, but he was going to sulk about it.

... He’d say something in a minute. He didn’t want to interrupt the singing.

Sir Pentious

He could tell Alastor was still upset-- there was actually quite a marked difference, and that mark was the fact he didn't sing along.

So, Telly pulled back just enough to tilt Alastor's chin up with a finger, getting him to look into Telly's eyes as he sang the next lines.

"O is for the only one I see. V is very, very extraordinary. E is even more than anyone that they adore. Love is all that I can give to you. Love is more than just a game for two. Two in love can make it, take my heart but please don't break it. Love was made for me and you."

Alastor

It actually wasn’t that deep, he just wanted to listen to his partner-in-crime singing a love song to him.

All the same, despite himself, the direct eye contact did buoy his mood a little. When Telly finished singing, Alastor pecked his lips and said, “I *was* going to switch to something else. After giving you a minute or two. I don’t want to slam on the breaks the *very second* I’m not utterly euphoric, especially if letting things run a few more seconds will let us segue more smoothly.”

Sir Pentious

Telly thought about it for a moment, and then nodded.

"I understand, but I know that I'd enjoy anything we do tenfold if I know that you're enjoying it, too." He leaned in to kiss him softly.

"Alright, standing didn't work, what were you _going_ to suggest we segue to?"

Alastor

Kiss. “I know.” That was the ideal, wasn’t it; but sometimes Alastor was just okay, and he was okay with that.

“I was going to suggest you lie down on that blanket and I sit on top, see how that goes.” He’d been planning to put it much more alluringly, but that wasn’t really the mood at the moment, was it? The picnic spread picked itself up and neatly floated back into the basket and the blanket flapped once to kick off any crumbs.

Sir Pentious

"Oh, that sounds interesting. And fun," Telly said, smiling wider. He twirled his way back over to the blanket, not letting Alastor go for a moment. At least until reaching said blanket.

He chuckled and laid down, purring as he stared up at Alastor. "I'm ready for you, my hart."

Alastor

“I thought you might think so!” He could salvage this yet.

He shimmied out of his pants, sat straddling Telly’s tail, bent forward to give him a quick kiss, then straightened up to figure out how this would work. “Let’s see here...” He’d straddled Telly’s tail plenty of times, but that was typically kneeling. To get his thighs around Telly’s dicks, he had to pull his knees together and splay his calves out to either side. It was, he thought, like trying to ride home in an automobile from the grocery store with several stuffed bags of groceries in the footwell between his feet and a couple of soda bottles being carefully held upright between his thighs.

So a little goofy, from his perspective; but not downright unpleasant. “How’s this?”

Sir Pentious

A purr rumbled through him as he watched Alastor get into position-- from down there, it also looked a little goofy, but it looked a whole lot more incredibly hot. Alastor, on top of him, riding him-- that was a sight he'd never thought he'd see.

"It's good, though, how's your balance? You're not going to fall off?" He smirked a little, then gave his tail an experimental roll, to see how well Alastor handled it.

Alastor

He had to roll his hips along with Telly to keep his balance, his thighs shifting around Telly's dicks in the process. "Have you ever tried riding a mechanical bull?" Probably not, unless they'd let him ride side-saddle. "Like the first few seconds while the thing's still warming up." He rubbed the tip of one of Telly's dicks, "So, all good, as long as I don't forget myself and try to use these as a handhold!" He's joking probably.

Sir Pentious

Telly purred louder, and rolled his tail again, grinning up at Alastor. "It's all about the rhythm, then. As long as we're in sync, we'll be fine. Just like dancing."

He was proud of that analogy, and the smug smile on his face showed it. He started moving again, shifting like a wave coming from the tip of his tail to his hips. A soft groan left him as he felt Alastor's thighs rubbing his cocks. "Mm, that's nice...."

Alastor

Just like dancing! Alastor's grin widened. "Well, look at that! We already found a new dance that doesn't involve any fancy footwork."

He always loved watching and feeling how the length of Telly's tail rolled when he thrusted; riding atop it was yet another fascinating way to experience it. He had to join in the movement himself to keep stable, feeling it in his spine and hips.

Sir Pentious

"The dance of the beast with two backs." Telly snickered as he started to roll a little faster, trying his best to keep the motions even and smooth. His breathing picked up as his speed did, the feeling of his dicks sliding between Alastor's thighs sending sparks all through him.

"This....this is a good position, I think I like this one a lot," He muttered, his hands reaching to grab the outside of Alastor's thighs, letting the tips of his claws dig in.

Alastor

"HAH! I think this dance is a winner!" He was definitely going to be building up some rarely-used muscles until he got used to it, but so far it was the most comfortable position they'd tried that let Telly get between Alastor's thighs.

He placed his hands over Telly's, claws grazing the backs of his hands. "And it lets me see you, too." In the future they could do more with that—explore Telly's torso, maybe make out while they did this—but for now, Alastor was content just to see how Telly looked under the starlight.

Sir Pentious

With Alastor's hands over his, it felt so very intimate-- somehow even more than the fact his dicks were currently squeezed between Alastor's thighs. His breath caught a bit, and his body rolled faster. He stared up at Alastor, eyes half lidded, smiling softly.

"I _do_ like seeing you....feeling you...I love you, Alastor." He groaned softly.

Alastor

Alastor's smile was just downright goofy now. An utterly dorky grin. This wasn't the face of a man rubbing off two dicks, it was the face of a man who'd just had a baby fawn dumped in his lap at the petting zoo. "For Hell's greatest supervillain, you can be a real sweetheart sometimes, do you know that?" He laced his fingers with Telly's and squeezed his thighs a little tighter as they picked up the pace.

Sir Pentious

Telly smiled back at him, not as goofily, but very earnest. His speed picked up again, and he moaned.

"I'm only a sweetheart to those that I love. To the rest, I am as dastardly as they come." He gave his best dastardly expression-- a pretty good one, honestly, it looked like he practiced that-- before it devolved back into a wide smile. He squeezed Alastor's hands in his and groaned.

"Lord, this feels good...."

Alastor

Oh, he *loved* that face. Evidence of practice and all. As much as Alastor’s day-to-day persona was a performance, Sir Pentious was just as much of a showman when it came to his villainous work—and it *showed,* and Alastor *adored* him for it.

“I want you to focus on that,” Alastor said, suddenly intense, leaning forward. “Focus on how good it feels, and know that it’s *for you* and it’s *intentional.* Your pleasure isn’t the byproduct of somebody else getting off. I wouldn’t be doing this for myself, and I wouldn’t do it for anyone else—just you.” He lifted one of Telly’s hands to kiss it. “Somewhere underneath us is a selfish bastard who looked at everything you are, everything you have to offer, everything you’ve made of your life and your work and your body, and couldn’t see anything but a pre-heated masturbation aid—*and he’s down there,* and you’re up here with somebody whose only motive for touching you is to make you as happy as you can be. And that’s how it’s going to be from now on.”

(Has he been lowkey writing this speech in the back of his head since he unbuckled his belt? Maybe. But it was all true.)

Sir Pentious

The words made Telly's eyes begin to swim, his throat closing fractionally as the emotion washed over him. Alastor did this for him. Only for him. Hearing that straight from his mouth seemed to intensify everything, and his pace kicked up again-- if Alastor thought he was riding a mechanical bull before, that had nothing on what Telly's body was doing now.

He threw his head back and moaned, hands clutching Alastor's tight. He panted hard, tongue flicking out and staying there. "Talk to me, Alastor! More, I'm close!"

Alastor

He had to tense up to keep his balance as Telly’s movements intensified, which by lucky chance also meant tightening his squeeze around Telly’s dicks. That went over as well as Alastor had hoped.

“More! Is this what it’s like to be called back on stage for an encore?” He kissed Telly’s hand again. “I’ve dreamed all my life of hearing hundreds of strangers cheering and applauding me—but I can’t imagine it would sound half as wonderful as *you* begging for more of me. I’d sing you every song I know and talk non-stop from now til Judgment Day—and all I want is to hear you in return. I want all those sounds you make when you feel so good you can’t help yourself.”

Sir Pentious

Telly almost bit his lip, almost muffled himself-- but Alastor's words forced his jaw back open, letting the groans and gasps echo. His panting sped ever faster, as did his undulating-- and then his back arched high, his voice soaring with Alastor's name as he came.

Slowly, his body relaxed from the rigid pose, sinking down onto the blanket, a soft and reedy whine leaving him.

"Oh, Alastor..." He muttered, staring up at him with half-lidded eyes.

Alastor

He held his breath as Telly came; and then when the sound of his own name finally faded from his ears, he let out a long, shuddering sigh. “Ohh, if that’s not the most beautiful sound in the world.”

He wiped up some cum that splattered on his thigh and licked it off his thumb. “So, what do you think—do I have a future as a romance novelist?” He winked.

Sir Pentious

"If you intend on catering only to snakes of great genius and ego, then yes, I think so." Telly took a deep breath and gently pulled Alastor's thighs apart, to allow his dicks to slide back into his sheath.

His brow arched when Alastor tasted his cum. "How's that taste?" He asked, a small smirk forming on his lips.

Alastor

“That happens to be my target audience!”

He relaxed his legs and leaned forward to lie on top of Telly, his tail contentedly swishing back and forth. “About how I expected. Why, want to find out?” He stuck out the tip of his tongue invitingly.

Sir Pentious

Telly chuckled, a finger curling a piece of Alastor's hair. "Teassse," He hissed softly, before leaning in to kiss him. His tongue flicked into Alastor's mouth, and he made a soft noise.

Alastor

He scooted farther forward, pressing into the kiss. (There probably wasn’t much flavor left, but if any was, it did, in fact, taste about how one would expect.)

Sir Pentious

A tinge of taste, and that's all he really needed. But his real prize is swishing behind Alastor-- a little touch to his tail, that's all. Telly just wanted to feel it.

Alastor

His tail twitched in surprise—oh, it was just Telly. After pausing in his kissing for just half a second to consider, Alastor flagged his tail up high, tip curling toward his spine. Go ahead, touch away.

Sir Pentious

Good, he's glad he's allowed-- it looked soft. His fingers played through the fur, making sure to stay gentle. He was right, it _was_ soft.

"Your tail is very cute," he murmured against Alastor's lips.

Alastor

“*Your* tail is cute,” Alastor retorted automatically; then, after a couple more seconds of kissing, as if he hadn’t said anything, asked, “Is it?”

Sir Pentious

"I think it is. I like to see it swishing. Does that mean you're happy?" A purr rumbled through him.

Alastor

“Relaxed, usually. Either that or there’s a song stuck in my head. I’ve got a built in metronome!”

Sir Pentious

"Good, I'm glad I can make you relaxed. Or get a song to stick in your head." He chuckled and kissed Alastor again. His began to pet Alastor's tail, from base to tip, slow, languid strokes.

Alastor

He flinched slightly when Telly brushed the very base of his tail—he was extra sensitive there, in an unpleasant way that made him want to clench up. “Not quite all the way to the base, please.”

Sir Pentious

Telly's hand froze the moment Alastor flinched, and he nodded, resuming his petting with shorter strokes. He purred more, his other hand reaching to massage the base of one of Alastor's ears-- he knew he liked that, at least.

Alastor

Alastor immediately relaxed again. And that was why Telly got tail-touching privileges: because he stopped the instant Alastor was uncomfortable.

Alastor kissed Telly's cheek. "Well—they're going to be feeling that earthquake for miles around, don't you think?"

Sir Pentious

Telly chuckled, returning the cheek kiss with one of his own.

"Yes, I do! Bet George felt it, too. Half tempted to move the slab and dig him up to ask." He snickered.

Alastor

“Show him what he’s been missing out on!” Alastor laughed, propping himself up on an elbow. “Oh, he probably wouldn’t appreciate it. If he can’t even appreciate *this*...” He traced one of the glowing tattoos crossing Telly’s chest.

Sir Pentious

A purr rumbled through Telly at the touch, his tongue flicking. "That's very true, my hart. He didn't appreciate me at all, but you do."

And he leaned in to kiss Alastor yet again, giving his lip a little nip.

Alastor

Alastor returned the nip, humming into it as he started up his background music again—this time he’d finish playing “I Could Have Danced All Night” properly.

Sir Pentious

Telly hummed along with the song as he continued to pet Alastor's tail. What a lovely night this turned out to be.

Alastor

It certainly did. He dropped his head onto Telly's shoulder and quietly sang along with the rest of the song. "*I could have spread my wings and done a thousand things I've never done before...*"

Sir Pentious

Now it was Telly's turn to be quiet and listen to Alastor sing. He did keep humming, though, the sound thrumming through his chest.

Alastor

Alastor can feel Telly’s humming in his ribs. It’s the most relaxing sound he can imagine. For a moment or two after the song’s over, he just relaxes and listens to it.

“As lovely as it would be to sleep out here, under the stars... I suppose we’d better head back, hadn’t we?” He smirked. “Unless you really would like to dance all night?”

Sir Pentious

Telly chuckled, his arms wrapping around Alastor to keep him in place as he slowly sat up. He kissed the tip of his nose and flicked his tongue against his lips.

"I wouldn't mind more dancing, but I think that's best done back on the airship. It's getting late and I don't think I want to sleep on concrete."

Alastor

He straightened up with Telly, still seated in his lap. “Oh, right, you’re on the concrete! I’ve got such a lovely pillow, I almost forgot.” And just as importantly, they shouldn’t risk getting caught by anyone in their sleep. “Let’s go put up our leftovers and then I’ll dance with you as long as you want.”

Sir Pentious

"Sounds like a lovely idea." Telly leaned in to kiss him again, purring all the while.

Alastor

One more kiss for the road, then.

In a few minutes, with blankets, clothing, and basket collected, the only sign they’d ever been there was a slightly burned circle on the concrete slab where the tea kettle had sat.

[second-chance-stray]

RP Log: (Bucket List) Cravs and Lin EAT a pineapple.

Aislinn North It was odd. The way Cravendy insisted on taking a longer, roundabout way to the Mists. They skirted the edges of Limsa Lominsa and while certainly less trafficked, it took almost twice as long as just plowing straight through the seaside city. But eventually, there had arrived. Aislinn pushed open the door to her apartment and heaved a sigh as she stepped inside, holding the door open for The pineapple toting Seawolf behind her. "Alright. Step 1 accomplished. Time to get down to Step 2." Eating it shouldn't prove nearly as difficult as finding the damned thing.

Cravendy Hound didn't seem excited about the prospect of going anywhere near Limsa Lominsa, or any places guarded by the city's forces. But ultimately, she went along with Lin's idea to head back to her apartment. At every exposed turn, Cravs would hold the pineapple up at her face, a weak attempt at hiding herself from...from who? She won't say to Lin. The faster they get inside, the better.

Cravendy Hound: "Aye, finally! Who knew findin' one would be such a pain." Cravs makes a beeline for the couches by the aquarium and roughly drops the pineapple on the coffee table. She takes a seat like she owns the place. "Nice lil' home ye got 'ere."

Aislinn North Shuts the door and shrugs off her pack, setting it down on the floor. Her lips tugged upward in amusement as Cravendy settles on the couch. "Glad you think so. Nothing too grand, but its homey and its mine." Two things that seemed to be more than enough for the Highlander. She wanders over to the couch but instead of sitting, she picks up the pineapple and inspects it, turning it about in her hands. She taps it, listening to its hollow 'thunk' in reply. "After all that, I sincerely hope this is a ripe one." She looks over at Cravendy and pauses, considering. The uncertain ripeness of the pineapple pushed aside for a moment, and valiantly tries again to get the woman to open up. "Still not going to tell me what in Limsa has you so spooked?"

Cravendy Hound crosses and uncrosses her legs as she thinks of what to say. How to cover up. But once hinted at, nothing could stay secret from Lin for long. She decides to keep it simple. "I'm wanted. Don't want to get arrested."

Cravendy Hound - After dropping that so casually, she refocuses her attention to the pineapple. "Does it smell sweet? That's 'ow ye check if a peach is ripe."

Aislinn North had the good grace to rein in her surprise, a mere impressed flatting of her lips and an upward nod in response to Cravendy's explanation. No stranger to being a wanted woman, Aislinn tests the pineapple, sniffing it cautiously. "What'd you do?" she asks bluntly. "Is this back from your days with the Hounds? Or something new?" The fruit smelled somewhat...well, fruity. Not exactly sweet but almost citrusy as well. She turned and retreated to the kitchen. "Can't sit here staring and sniffing at it all day. Only one way to find out." she announces as she goes in search for a knife.

Cravendy Hound scoffs. "Yeah. Mostly prickly assholes too prideful to let bygones be bygones. Mostly." She shifts in her seat with a shrug. There were, of course, many that held reasonable grudges given what she had did. But for everyone else, Cravs was set on never giving them any amount of satisfaction.

Cravendy Hound: "Do ye need a 'and? Otherwise..." She looks around the room. "Ye got any liquor?"

Aislinn North "Ones with some sort of authority behind them, I take it?" In answer to Cravendy's question about liquor, she points with the tip of the knife she held to the shelf of dark bottles that stood to her left. "Nevertheless, prickly asses or no, suppose it was a smart thing to avoid the city proper. Plenty of other ones out there." As she spoke, she cut the spiney fruit into sections. "Gridania with it's lovely forest elementals, for instance." her voice as dry as desert sand. She *may* have been needling the Seawolf. A little bit.

Cravendy Hound kicks her feet forward and bounds up, energized by the prospect of booze! She goes over to Lin's collection, picking up and observing every bottle with interest. Maybe bourbon would go well with this pineapple thing? Or perhaps rum - tended to mix with tropical flavors.

Cravendy Hound: "Doesn't matter where ye go. Land or sea, the world's full of pissed off buggers who'll give ye the other end if ye give 'em a reason to. At least in Gridania I'm not the target of any particular grudge."

Cravendy Hound: "Yet." She laughs lightly, though worry tugs at the edge of her voice. As if she expects it's just a matter of time.

Aislinn North tips her head, conceding to Cravendy's point. It was a sentiment Aislinn had found to be true more often than not. "Well, the elementals might be a sensitive bunch but they've got to be better than sitting around in a gaol. Besides, you haven't been chased out of the Shroud lately, right? So, there's that." Plating up the fruit she brought it back to the couch and set it on the low table before falling back against the cushions. "Alright, ready to scratch this one off the list?" she asks.

Cravendy Hound returns to the seating area with a wide grin and several bottles. She also has brought over a few empty glasses and drink-making tools - a spoon, a muddler, things of that sort. "I learned it was cause they didn't like me shootin' up the trees, accident or no. But since then my aim's come back, so the Elementals 'ave nothin' to gripe about anymore."

Cravendy Hound: "But we're not 'ere to talk smack about some invisible gods." She claps her hands together in anticipation. "Ready when ye are!"

Cravendy Hound reaches for a pineapple slice and brings one up to her nose. Yup! Smells like food alright.

Aislinn North She smiles, unrestrained and free. "Right." Reaching forward, she plucks up a section of the yellow fruit from the plate. "Let's see what this is all about."

Cravendy Hound takes a bite, and is pleasantly surprised. Not crisp like an apple, nor juicy like an orange. It's somewhere in between, with each chew releasing more sweet-sour juice from the fruit's flesh. "Huh! The texture is like if ye dried a lemon but kept it juicy somehow."

Aislinn North Biting down on the fruity flesh, she pauses, her eyes going wide as an explosion of sweetness and tang hits her tongue. She bites through the fruit and chews through the tropical, almost overwhelming taste. "Honestly, beats any piece of fruit I've had so far." she nods. "Though you're right. Almost...string-like." a quiet laugh escapes her.

Aislinn North "The real question. Was it worth the trouble?" she asks, her eyes lit with a dose of good humor

Cravendy Hound picks up another and munches thoughtfully on it. Eventually, she drops a few pieces into a cup and mashes it up. A splash of bourbon, a bit of ice, and it's done! She takes a sip, looking awfully pleased with herself afterward.

Cravendy Hound makes one for Lin as well. "The answer is no. No, it wasn't worth the trouble. But 'ey." She pushes the drink to Lin with a grin. "Cheers anyway."

Aislinn North She laughs once again, brighter, more concrete. "I dunno. Next time we'll at least know where to look. I bet we could find one in half the time." she says as she takes the offered drink and tries it. It wasn't half bad. She peers down into the glass. "Think of the drinks to be made, for one."

Cravendy Hound peers over to the pineapple top that's left on Lin's kitchen counter. "More likely we'd catch a tropical fever. Bah, can't we just...magic a new one into existence or somethin'? It's so far otherwise."

Cravendy Hound: "But it's mighty temptin'. The drinks we could make with this, that is." She tips her glass and finishes it, pulpy pineapple and all.

Aislinn North Tilts her head, giving the question serious thought. "Possibly? But I'm not sure about the ramifications of ingesting a magic pineapple."

Aislinn North "Eat at your own risk kind of thing."

Cravendy Hound: "Sounds interestin'. Everythin's aether, so food is aether. And so is magic. Just different forms then, right?" Cravs shrugs. "Magic is weird."

Cravendy Hound - The topic would drift further in that odd direction - of magic food, of completely /made up/ magic food and if one could magic flavors into existance. And when it got late, Cravs would finally take her leave.

Cravendy Hound gets up and pats Lin on the shoulder. "Well, this 'as been fun. Don't work too 'ard, okay? I can tell...and ye'll need yer energy for the next proverbial pineapple."

(Cravendy Hound) there we go!! :D )) (Aislinn North) ((The end of the pineapple saga!)) (Cravendy Hound) ahhaaha pineapple arc )) (Cravendy Hound) hehe I like to imagine each finished item being pinned up on corkboard somewhere :3 )) (Cravendy Hound) the older i get the more the idea of a scrapbook appeals to me lmao )) (Aislinn North) ((It was a lot of fun! And yes! With red string leading from one to the next like some disjointed trail no one could follow)) (Cravendy Hound) half super cute, half looks like it's made by a conspiracy theorist )) (Aislinn North) ((Exactly!))

[kylorengarbagedump]

Little Bird: Chapter 16

Read on AO3.  Part 15 here. Part 17 here.

Summary: The horrors of Gilead are too much to bear. You've been selfish.

Words: 3100

Warnings: Handmaid AU

Characters: Kylo Ren x Handmaid!Reader

A/N: Guys... Ren knows she's missing... what the fuck is gonna happen...

(I know but I'm not telling.)

Thank you everyone for your interest and attention to this story. I have no words to express how grateful I am. I love y'all so much. <3

The rest of the house was surprisingly plain, considering its underbelly. Rey and Finn slept on the second floor, and Poe, as their driver, had an adjoining room on the first floor. The facade was one of a normal, functioning Gilead household, with Angel, Wife, and their help all existing in perfect harmony. Part of you wanted to know more about Finn and Rey’s marriage--did they love each other, was it arranged, how had they managed to create the Resistance--but you couldn’t think of a polite way to ask.

Perhaps that was more conditioning. You couldn’t remember if questions like that had appeared unimportant before Gilead.

“Anyway, that’s all for the house,” Rey said. “You’ll likely only be here a few days, but we think it’s important you know where everything is, should anything happen.”

You blinked. “Happen?”

She waved her hands dismissively. “Not that anything has! Or that we expect it to. But it’s better to be prepared.”

Somehow, this did little to ease your nerves. The reality of being involved with a treasonous group of rebels was starting to settle. Of course you could never be a spy for them. You were trying to save your life. You’d done enough risking it at the end of Kylo Ren’s cock.

Rey led you back through the den, a large room lit with tall, dim lamps and a crackling fire. Bookcases packed tight with spines adorned each wall, reaching the ceiling, and a couple of massive leather sofas framed a heavy, carved coffee table at the center. The hardwood gleamed at your feet, reflecting the flames from the fireplace. Rey trudged forward, heading toward the hearth.

“This is a little cliche, I know,” she said. “But we couldn’t think of a better deterrent than fire.”

She pulled a brick out from the side of the fireplace and tugged out a pair of thick, black gloves that went up to her elbows. After pulling them on, to your horror, she reached into the fire, digging into the logs, and yanked at a lever. Nothing happened. But she didn’t seem deterred. Next, she tore away the thick, Persian rug at the foot of the hearth, pushing back one of the slats of hardwood and using it like a handle, wrenching open a rectangular slab of wood, wisps of smoke escaping as she revealed another hidden entrance.

You shrugged, heart skipping again. “You guys have a lot of these, huh.”

Rey smiled, replacing the gloves in the brick. “Just these two. This is the more important one, though. Come on!”

With quick feet, she disappeared down the tiny staircase, the walls closing even tighter than the ones before, compressing your frame like a compactor. You weren’t as fast, surveying your path, noticing the open grate in the ceiling that hung under where the fireplace was positioned. The air was stifling, almost woolen.

“When the grate is open, it becomes pretty much impossible to breathe.” Rey was at an iron door at the end of the staircase, now, spinning the combination lock above the handle. “We hope that in the event of an emergency, it would give enough time to allow for evacuation.”

Swallowing, you nodded, as if you wanted to be worrying about an emergency. Then again, your entire life had been an emergency for the past few years. What did the change of scenery really matter? The lock clicked, and the door opened. Rey waved you on. Holding your breath, you snuck down with your skirts bunched above your ankles, crossing the threshold and into a cooler, open room. She followed, and the door clamped shut behind you.

In front of you was another area illuminated with the same battery tap lights as you’d seen in their war room, accompanied with those similar eggshell crates. Beds lined the walls, some of them occupied, others barren. At the end of the room was a closed door, light peeking out from the frame. As you glanced around the space, each time a pair of eyes landed on you, shame leapt from inside your chest and swallowed you whole. You counted three strangers corralled here, total, all dressed in sweatshirts and jeans that looked about a decade old. And inside the gazes of these strangers, you saw yourself: terrified. Desperate. Alone.

“We have a new addition today, everyone,” said Rey. “Would you like to introduce yourself?”

Throwing a half-hearted wave, you mumbled your name. “Hello.”

“Right!” Her hand at your back again, she ushered you forward. “Clockwise, that’s Louise, Audrey, Gabrielle, and…” She snapped her fingers. “Where’s Sarah?”

“In the washroom,” said the one named Louise, pointing to the closed door.

“Got it.” Hand still guiding you, Rey turned you toward the door and walked you through the locking mechanism and how to get up to the main house, if necessary. “And if anything should happen--these girls know this--pull this lever right here. It opens both grates underneath the fire place. The fire is always burning. After you pull it, you all must escape through the piping in the washroom.” She looked over the room again. “You all remember that?”

The other woman called out their assent. Rey nodded, gripped your shoulder.

“I’ll leave you to get comfortable. There’s a set of clothes underneath one of the open beds. We’ll probably be serving dinner in a few hours. We bring it down here. I hope that’s okay.”

You shifted on your feet, crossing your arms. “So… I’m stuck down here, now?” Shadows stretched across the concrete floors, the tap lights too pitiful to banish them.. “Great.”

Her face fell. “I know. It’s not ideal. But…” She sighed. “Our primary goal is to keep you all safe until transport. We’ve smuggled out dozens of Handmaids with our protocols the way they are.”

“Yeah.” You nodded.

The knowledge that Ren would soon know you were gone was crushing you tighter than the walls themselves. You couldn’t imagine him honestly razing everything within 100 miles just for you--after all, you were just a Handmaid--but then you recalled the last time you’d spoken with him. The ache in his eyes. The despair.

Not one like you.

You haunt me.

A chill cast over your intestines, goosebumps sweeping over your flesh. Your tongue was dry. “When did you say the transport was, again?” You tried to wipe your sweating palms on your skirts.

Rey’s nose twisted in consideration. “We have a contact willing to collect a shipment at the end of the week. So it probably won’t be for a few more days.”

You coughed, trying to clear the dust from your throat. You hoped you’d last that long. “Okay.”

“Everyone all right?” Rey asked, casting a glance across the room. When no one responded, she grinned, and left through the iron door, sealing it tight behind her.

A long, heavy sigh left you, and you turned back to the room, again meeting the anxious gazes of the other women. You shuffled over to an empty bed, reaching underneath it, finding, to no surprise, a pair of baggy jeans and a large sweatshirt. You sat down with a loud squeak, mattress deflating like marshmallow underneath you. Every bed in here was covered with mismatched sheets, the frames combinations of screwed together steel bars and wooden slats.

You regarded the set of clothing with some degree of confusion. The thought of putting them on your body seemed foreign. Wrong. The red dress of your captivity didn’t seem right, either, but at least it was familiar.

“I promise that once you put that stuff on, it feels so much better.” One of the women approached you--the one named Audrey. Her dark hair was short. Very short. She must have cut it the second she was free.  “It’s totally weird at first, though.”

“Yeah.” The sweatshirt was grey, stained, with colorful stripes across the chest area that had faded with time. “I don’t really want to change in front of everyone, though…”

“Don’t!” she said. “Sarah will be out in a second. You can change there.”

You nodded, glimpsing the other women watching you. “How long have you… all of you been here?”

“It’s been about a week for me,” Audrey said with a laugh. “My Commander hasn’t given a shit that I’ve been gone.”

“We both came in the middle of the night a few nights ago,” Louise said, gesturing between herself and Gabrielle. Louise had a crooked nose, and her long, blonde hair was tied in braids and piled on top of her head. “I didn’t know if she’d make it!”

Gabrielle shrugged. “You basically bullied me into it.”

“Oh, please,” Louise said. “Don’t act like you weren’t desperate to get out of Dopheld’s house.”

She sighed. “You’re right.” Gabrielle looked at you. Her eyes were dark pools. “I was just scared.”

Audrey nodded. “We were all totally scared.”

“Well,” you said. “That makes four of us.”

“Five.” Louise tilted her head toward the washroom door.

“Has anyone checked on Sarah?” Gabrielle’s nose wrinkled in concern. “She’s been in there a while.”

You blinked. “Checked on her?” It seemed rude to just… check on someone because they were taking a while in the bathroom. Everyone had their bodily struggles.

Audrey stood. “I’ll do it.” She crossed to the door, rapping it with a single knuckle. “Sarah? Are you okay?”

Frowning, your gaze switched between Louise and Gabrielle, hoping they’d provide you with some sort of context. The hesitation in their expression tightened your chest. Dread loomed over you again, a creature ready to consume.

“What is it?” you whispered. “What’s going on with Sarah?”

“Sarah got here last night.” Louise’s voice floated in the air. “She… She’s having a hard time.”

Audrey rapped again. “Sarah? Open the door, hon.”

A tiny whimper rippled from beyond the door. “Leave me alone.”

“Come on, Sare. You’ve been in there for an hour. You’ve gotta come out at some point.”

The hidden voice was tattered, like fabric with more holes than weave. “No, I don’t.”

“Yes, you do,” Louise called, frowning. “There’s a new person here. She needs to get comfortable too.”

“A new person?” A loud sniffle, and shuffling behind the door. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t know--”

Audrey stood back from the threshold. “It’s okay, hon--”

The door swung open, revealing a young woman--perhaps the youngest out of all of you--in a sleeved shirt and sweatpants, her long hair swarmed in a nest around her head, her cheeks a furious red. She sniffled again, which stoked the uneasiness in your heart, but what set it aflame was the rest of her appearance. Her hands were shredded, knuckles purple and puffy, and her right eye was an ugly, dead black, swollen shut, accompanying a massive knot at her forehead. A scab crept over a split in her lower lip.

Your jaw dropped. Sarah plodded out of the bathroom, gaze trained on the floor.

“I’m sorry,” she said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know someone else was here.”

“Don’t--uh, don’t apologize,” you said. “I… I only just got here, so…”

She nodded, plopping down on her bed. You sought out direction from the other women, feeling helpless. To get up and just go change seemed a little sociopathic at the moment.

Audrey sat next to Sarah on her bed. “How are you feeling, hon?”

Sarah shrugged. “I don’t know. I keep thinking I see him out of the corner of my eye.” She was blank, numbed to her surroundings. “My… my other eye, I mean.”

“I know.” Audrey offered a sympathetic smile, rubbing her back. “You’re free, now, though. You won’t ever have to go back to his house again.”

Something slithered from the depths of your psyche and seized you, coiling around you, strangling the air from your lungs. Guilt.

“Your… uh, your Commander did this?” Your voice was stretched like film over your throat.

Sarah peeked at you, nodded. “When he learned I wasn’t pregnant.”

Guilt now snaked its way into your vessels, stuffed you with its presence. “I… I’m really sorry.”

She shrugged, face blank once more. “I just want to be able to sleep through the night again.”

“Me too,” said Gabrielle. “I get so tired of looking over my shoulder every day.” She shivered, shaking off a memory.

“Ooh, I know.” Louise reached up and pulled her braids from their spiral. “And to never have to smell his breath again.”

“Or just see his face in general!” Audrey chuckled. “I’m tired of being called a pig.”

“A pig?” You blushed when you realized it was you that had spoken. “Sorry. That’s terrible.”

Audrey shrugged, offering a wry, pained grin. “Wasn’t as bad as when he slapped me.”

With every admission of abuse, more oxygen escaped your body. Of course, your situation was no more enviable--you knew this, logically--but there was something different about your desperate, impassioned rendezvous with Kylo Ren in comparison to these women who were literally being beaten. And worse. Kylo Ren was possessive, manipulative, controlling, perhaps even heartless--but at least you’d wanted every single finger he laid on you.

In the end, you were running because there was a dark, awful part of you that wanted more than just sex, and the battle with your desire put your life at risk. These women were running because they wanted less--less of all of it. The realization lit a match to the kindling of your guilt.

“Do other Commanders know about this?” For some reason, you wanted permission to be enraged. “That this happens?”

Gabrielle snorted. “Of course they do. Some of them even team up, if you’re unlucky enough.”

“Team up?” Your jaw tensed.

“Whatever you take that to mean,” Louise said, “that’s what it means.”

Gabrielle leaned forward, scanning you. “You can’t really be that ignorant,” she said. “You lived it, too.”

“Come on, now. Her Commander must’ve been one of the low-ranks,” said Audrey. “Who was he?”

You looked between them, face hot. The words wouldn’t come out of your mouth. You were ignorant. There was no one to blame but yourself. You’d wrapped yourself in the protective sheet of your Commander’s attention, so twisted and obsessed with your own misery you’d never taken time to truly consider his role in maintaining the system. Kylo Ren hadn’t just subjugated you--he’d subjugated all of Gilead, propped it up on false limbs and shielded it from criticism. By default, he protected each one of the men that these women were running from. By default, he was complicit in, an agent of their power. By default, he was corrupt.

By default, he deserved to be brought down.

“Hello?” Louise waved. “Anyone there?”

You snapped to attention. “Sorry!” you said. “What, uh, what was the question?”

“I just asked who your Commander was,” Audrey replied. “You don’t have to--”

“Kylo Ren,” you replied, and found yourself standing. “Please excuse me.”

“Kylo--” Gabrielle stuttered. “Isn’t he right under--”

“Yeah, he’s Commander Snoke’s right-hand man!”

“She’s his Handmaid? She got away?”

“Doesn’t that make it more dangerous for us?”

“It totally doesn’t, we’re already running.”

Your brain was too busy spinning with newfound purpose. You’d walked over to the door, hands quaking as they worked to unlock the exit as Rey had instructed. Behind you, the other Handmaids were chattering, their stares like weights on your back. Blood rushed by your ears, pulse thumping at your temple, beating with a burgeoning power. The door opened, and you slipped beyond it, holding your breath through the hot tunnel to the main house. Your limbs were moving faster, shoving open the hatch, punching away the heavy rug, and you scrambled out, tripping over your feet as you stumbled through the house.

“Rey?” you called. “Finn? Poe?”

It was strange, how threatening silence could be in this world. You crossed through the den, peeking around the corners, searching like a hound. There was something boiling inside you, like a geyser, ready to explode through your skin, wrench you apart with its insistence. You could feel the words on your tongue, taste them, and they were begging to be given life, to find release.

“Rey!” you shouted up the stairs. “Finn! Poe!”

Still no response. Dread again, descending onto your shoulders, hijacking your heart, your breath coming faster, cycling through your lungs. If something had happened, making a ton of noise likely wouldn’t help. You sucked in a deep breath. You hadn’t checked outside. Gathering your skirts, you slunk to the back door, popping the locks and prying it open, inch by inch. Voices hit your ears. You froze. You couldn’t see them--they were around the corner, in the garden.

“We did rush the transport.” It was Finn. Relief tugged at your mind--but he sounded concerned. “The contact still says they won’t be able to make it for another 48 hours.”

“Dammit.” That was Poe. “And no response from bunker?”

“They’re full,” a voice you recognized as Rey’s replied. “They just took in another on emergency.”

“Shit!” A frustrated sigh escaped him. “I thought we’d at least have half a day to figure out where  we’d move her.”

Your stomach flipped. Her. You?

“Well, this is Ren we’re talking about,” Finn replied. “We knew how he might get.”

Now your stomach lurched. Yes, you.

“We still have a few hours,” said Rey. “According to our intel, he’s only just now received report his Handmaid was taken off the streets for re-education. Even assuming he abandons his post, he’ll still need to figure out she never made it to a Red Center and find out who took her.”

More nagging guilt. How hard they were working, just to keep you safe. To keep you from him.

“Should we file the missing report to the Eyes?”

You didn’t want to be rude. But new guilt was morphing, too, liquefying to rage in your belly.

“I’m already on it.” Finn sighed. “Let’s just go with the plan as-is, for now. We don’t know what his intentions are. He might not even come here.”

Your fists clenched. You wanted him to.

“This would’ve been so much easier if she had agreed to work with us,” Poe mumbled.

You trembled, roiled through with fury for the women in the basement, for your saviors, for Johana and Emma and Rose, for--hell, yourself. All of you pinned underneath the monstrosity built by Ren and the Commanders like him, some of you struggling with trembling knees, others collapsing, devoured by the machine as they strained to support its weight. Taking a deep breath, you stepped into the backyard.

Rey sighed. “Well, she didn’t--”

“Wait.” Your voice was cold and foreign. Finn, Poe, and Rey turned the corner from the patio, mouths parted in shock. “I’ll do it.”

A smile cracked Poe’s face. “You will?”

“Really?” Rey grinned.

“Yes. I’ll do it. I’ll be your spy.”

A flock of birds scattered from the yard, taking off into the dusky sky.

[zallano]

The HereAfter, Chapter 18

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14, Chapter 16, Chapter 17, read on AO3! 

The entire chapter under the cut

_

It was so dark. There was no air. It was unbearably cold. No land. No world at all. Just darkness. 

P̴͙͒lḛ̶̎ase̶͉͘ hẻ̷͜l̶͍̒p̷͖͌ më̴͚́ ̶̓͜  I̶̠͝ ̵͙̽c̶̯̆à̴̱n̷̩͆’̸̱̈t̵͑ͅ ̵̪̓b̵̛̘r̴̗̀e̴̺̍a̷̮̋t̶̤͂h̷̹͊e̷͓̓…

Mumbo rubbed his temples, his head hurt. He didn’t understand why he kept hearing that voice. He didn’t even know who the voice belonged to. 

He felt himself shiver slightly as he walked through the grass of a plains biome. He didn’t know why he was suddenly so cold. The plains were usually warm. He felt dizzy and tired. He felt himself sinking into the ground. 

Mumbo glanced down at his shoes. The grass was… strange. “What the-“ he stepped back. The grass that was underneath his foot was gone. Void replaced it. The void grew, taking over the biome. Mumbo couldn’t move fast enough- he couldn’t escape the void. 

He fell. 

He was cold. As cold as ice. Mumbo couldn’t move. He was trapped. He was stuck in the void. He couldn’t do anything about it. He was so cold. 

“-Okay we need a name.” 

Grian’s voice interrupted Mumbo’s thoughts. Suddenly, Mumbo was back on the surface. He was no longer in the void. It took him a few seconds to pull himself back together and reply as casually as he could. “-No, Grian, we don’t,” he quickly replied. Grian rolled his eyes and sped up to walk alongside Mumbo. “No no, I think we do! We’re a team now. You, Iskall, and I!”

Both Iskall and Mumbo turned to look at Grian. Mumbo sighed “Okay, well, if we’re a team- then you have to actually help us instead of just- petting chickens-” He chuckled. Grian hummed. “I warned you guys that I don’t know redstone,” he stated. “I’m a builder. I’ll do the building.” He continued, smiling.

“Aha! I got it! Since I build, and you two do the redstone- our team name could be- BuildStone! Get it? Build and Stone- like redstone-” He exclaimed. The two redstoners exchanged glances. “Err- Grian,” Iskall began. “Bad name? Okay, yeah- I’ll think of something else.”

The three hermits were out three hundred blocks away from the shopping district and were trying to find the perfect place to build Mumbo’s machine. Mumbo told them that he wanted to make it underground, so they were looking for a cave as a good start; not wanting to manually mine out a large area or use TNT and have the possibility to cause lag- which could cause more disappearances. 

“What about this one?” Iskall asked, pushing away a few tree branches and revealing a somewhat large underground hole. “Hm, it’s okay and all, but I think we can find a better place,” Mumbo replied. “What was your original machine built-in?” Grian asked. “I found a large cave entrance into a hidden ravine. I mined it out into quite a large area.” He replied and continued walking, the others followed behind. 

The three hermits spent the rest of the day wandering far from spawn. Eventually, Mumbo found a cave he deemed good enough to start and they began to clear out an area in the night. 

W̵̦̄͝h̵̬̼̃͂ỷ̵͕̚ ̵̰̗͋a̸̡͓͂m̶͙͝ ̶͔̟̍̍Ĩ̶̝͗ ̵͍̭͛h̷̊ͅḙ̷̈́̾r̵͖͛͌e̷͓͆͝?̸̫̊̉͜

---H̸̥̎̚o̸̻͔̎̐w̶̨̮͐̋ ̷̨̦͛͝d̵̨͒̚i̷̳̾͗ͅḑ̷̺́̽ ̴̤̞̄̾I̴͈̍ ̵̜͋g̸͚̀͐e̴̡̘͝ṫ̷̬ ̸̝̈́ḧ̴̯́ê̵̻r̷̰̈́ê̸͖?̴̘̀̉

Mumbo stopped mining and froze. He looked around. Iskall was expanding the area out and Grian was decorating the walls. “Did anyone hear that?” He asked. Iskall turned to him. “Hear what?” He asked. Mumbo frowned slightly. “Never mind, just- thought I heard something,” he explained. Iskall shrugged and went back to mining. 

It didn’t take long until the three- two- of them mined out a large area. Mumbo immediately began to work on the machine. Iskall had brought his shulker box of redstone with him. 

“Architechs! That’s it! We can be the architechs! Arch- like architecture and tech like technology with redstone!” Grian randomly chimed in. Mumbo stopped what he was doing. “Honestly, that isn’t a bad name. You must've been very bored to come up with that,” he laughed. Grian nodded and laid down on the cold stone floor. “So bored!” He complained. Iskall chuckled. “I like Architech. Seems cool,” he stated. Grian smiled widely. “Yeah, I agree. It’s a lot better than whatever Buildstone was,” Mumbo nodded and continued to get back to work. 

Iskall and Mumbo were building a few things similar to noisemakers around a large glass tower Grian had previously built. Mumbo explained that most of the redstone used wouldn’t do much to the actual machine itself. 

“It’s only here to overwhelm the clock as much as possible-“ Mumbo fell silent and began to pace around the redstone clocks. The two others watched. Mumbo hummed. “The clock split and consumed both of us-“ he stated. Grian nodded slowly. “Yeah- I think that’s what happened. That’s why we’re blue and yellow,” he explained. “Right.. yes, of course. No worries then,” he shook his head and stopped pacing. “I think I will work on the machine alone tonight. I’ve made a mistake in the design,” 

Grian tried to step in but Mumbo shook his head. “- Thank you guys for helping me, but I think it’s for the best. I don’t want anyone to get hurt,” he explained.

“Mumbo, I said that I would help,” Iskall said. “No, it’s okay. You guys can come back in the morning if you’d like. We’re the Architechs after all. Right now I have to fix this design,” he scratched his head and glanced down at the circuits. 

“Oh okay... C’mon Iskall,” Grian gestured for Iskall to follow him. “I’ll see you in the morning then!” He waved bye. Mumbo waved back slightly and watched as his two friends left the cave. He sighed. He realized that the blue clock was apart of him. That meant that this machine was extremely deadly now. 

—-

Mumbo spent the entire night working on the machine. It wasn’t the most complex machine but he spent hours redesigning it and trying to make it work with the current situation he was in. He knew that he would have to take the place of the blue clock, and it made him nervous. Because of that reason, Mumbo didn’t finish the machine. 

In the morning, he decided to leave the cave before Iskall and Grian would arrive. He sat outside the cave’s entrance for a few minutes before covering the hole with red concrete. 

“Mumbo?”

Mumbo looked up, expecting to see Grian or Iskall, though- he saw Xisuma flying with his elytra. “Hello X!” He greeted, trying to shake off any nervousness he felt. Xisuma didn’t reply at first. He landed near Mumbo. 

“Why did you do it?” Xisuma stared coldly. Mumbo has never seen the man so... angry before. “-do- do what?” Mumbo asked, completely clueless. Xisuma narrowed his eyes. He couldn’t believe Mumbo was playing stupid. 

“Why did you ban him?”

“Ban? Ban who?” Mumbo’s shook his head, not understanding. He didn’t ban anyone. He couldn’t ban anyone. “I’m not sure if you know this but here, we have admins, and I just happen to be an admin,” Xisuma explained. He stepped closer to Mumbo. Mumbo stepped back. 

“I can check the logs. I know you did it. It’s not worth lying. I’m going to ask you again, why did you ban him?” 

Mumbo glanced to the side and back at Xisuma. “I don’t know what you’re talking about!” He shouted. 

“WHY DID YOU BAN SCAR?” 

Mumbo froze. Scar? Banned? He shook his head. “I didn’t ban Scar- you saw it in the T-Chat yourself. He left the world. X, you- you know I wouldn’t do that- right?”

Xisuma didn’t say anything and pulled out his own T-Chat out of his inventory. He clicked a button Mumbo didn’t recognize and a bright green screen with text appeared. Xisuma showed Mumbo the screen. 

[GoodTimeWithScar has been banned by MumboJumbo] 

[Reason: Unspecified]

“Do you know what it’s like to be banned??” Xisuma shouted, not giving Mumbo any time to respond. “I swore that no one would ever get banned! Not since-“ he paused, rethinking his words. 

Mumbo stared at the screen in shock. “I didn’t ban him! I swear I didn’t- I-“ Xisuma cut him off. “How am I supposed to believe you?? Ever since you showed up, Hermits have been disappearing left and right!” He yelled. Mumbo opened his mouth to speak, to defend himself, but Xisuma kept talking. “What is your plan? Do you want everyone gone? Have you done this before to that other world you were in? Is your goal to take people away from their homes?” He pushed Mumbo back. Mumbo was pulled off guard and fell to the floor. 

“And- And now you’re building some time machine?! Will the time machine even do what you say it will? Are you just going to take us all at once?” 

“I didn’t- I’m not causing the disappearances- they happen on their own- they are caused by glitches- I-“ Mumbo stammered. He wasn’t used to being interrogated and put on the spot. “And how do you know that?”

Mumbo stared at X in disbelief. He knew it because he spent months learning about the clocks in the first future world he was in. Xisuma knew this. Why was he acting so different? X has been nothing but nice to him up until this point. What was wrong with Xisuma?

“What connection do you have with all of this? Why did you change when you came in contact with the blue clock but nothing happened to-“ Xisuma cut himself off from speaking. He took a deep breath, trying to recollect his thoughts. He looked over at Mumbo and shook his head. 

“It’s your fault. You’re the reason they’re all gone.”

“..m-my fault? It’s- my fault?” He shook his head. He couldn’t hear it. It wasn’t his fault. He did nothing wrong. He tried to get up but Xisuma pushed him back down. “It isn’t my fault- I didn’t do anything!” 

“Yes, you did! I have evidence and I’m going to tell the other hermits what you did!” Xisuma said, his voice cold and had no emotion. “Then they’ll see how bad you actually are.” 

Xisuma stepped away. Mumbo lifted himself off the ground. “Xisuma! Wait! Please! -I,”

Xisuma just shook his head and flew off with the help of his elytra and a few rockets. Mumbo was left alone in the grass, just outside the cave entrance to the time machine. 

‘It’s my fault-“

[ghoultyrant]

I've tried a few times to write Samus' pov before and I've had a lot of trouble. I feel like she is fairly inscrutable as characters go, being largely voiceless, and taciturn even when she does speak (not counting Other M). A lot of her dialogue is also removed from social interactions, being internal memos in scan logs. Idk. Maybe this is just me.

Samus as a character isn’t so much a cipher as an archaeological mystery.

The point of that comparison being that the Metroid series actually tends to tell a large fraction of its story through its environments, and does so quite well. Metroid II makes it clear that the endgame area is some manner of laboratory where the Metroids were apparently created, probably by the Chozo, but at some point control was lost. The laboratory is their nest because that’s where their existence as a species started, rather than the Metroid Queen selecting it as a good brooding ground for some other reason. Notably, the laboratory is unusually isolated and difficult to reach, even by Metroid II’s standards of travel distance, suggesting that the lab was deliberately cut off from the rest of the planet, and also probably explaining why the Metroid Queen didn’t wander off elsewhere to nest; she very possibly couldn’t.

In turn, this grounds a detail many players probably never questioned, but which is slightly odd on its own: that Metroids can apparently only grow into their Alpha and so on forms on SR388. As a consequence of natural evolution, this is certainly possible, but seems odd. But given that they’re clearly artificial, it’s easy to guess that the Chozo put that in as an artificial constraint; most likely the Chozo had plans for shipping them out to other worlds, and for some reason or another didn’t want them to change form once they were off the planet. (There’s a lot of plausible reasons for why they’d want this, but that’s a bit of a tangent)

Furthermore, this also grounds the Metroid Queen itself. Most players probably never question the fact that there’s literally only one Metroid Queen on an entire planet, because after all she’s the final boss. There’s obvious video game design reasons involved. But actually, it makes perfect sense in-universe: while fandom frequently assumes that any Metroid could potentially molt all the way to being a Metroid Queen, and that’s not an unreasonable assumption, it’s also entirely possible the Metroid Queen was one-of-a-kind because the Chozo carefully designed things so she’d be unique; that the Metroid Queen was built to be a Queen from the ground up, and is not supposed to be capable of producing more Queen-capable Metroids. That would be a logical thing to do to limit the damage in the event of a containment failure, and neatly explains why the planet has only one Metroid Queen even though Metroids themselves are running rampant across the planet.

Speaking of the Chozo and environmental storytelling, the fact that we saw their statues on two different planets back in the original trilogy was already a strong indication that the Chozo were a spacefaring species. Metroid Prime using scan logs to spell it out was a confirmation of an already-likely-true thing, not a state of canon invented by that particular entry. Again, I imagine a lot of players never questioned it because there’s game design reasons that are obviously applicable (eg that Chozo statues are frequently used to mark Important Power-Ups), but it’s extremely good environmental storytelling.

Anyway, that’s just some bits from Metroid II. Aside Other M and let me be brutally honest Samus Returns (I enjoyed it, but it mostly doesn’t try to do environmental storytelling, and probably-accidentally heavily retcons things, with the Metroid Queen’s nest no longer being set deep inside a laboratory being the most blatant example), the Metroid series does this heavily and constantly. The player is expected, if they care about the story and the world it takes place in, to look at the details they can see and make inferences.

And if they don’t care about any of that, it’s not intruding on their experience: they can just play a fun little game with blasting aliens and whatever.

Looping this back to Samus, though: yeah, we mostly don’t get Samus’ voice, both in a literal sense and in the writing sense. What we get is a ton of secondary information hinting at the kind of person she is, supplemented with concrete facts (eg that she was substantially raised by the Chozo), and then are expected to draw inferences.

As one of the more obvious examples: the first two games implicitly establish that Samus has to have a high degree of confidence in her abilities, or if she doesn’t she’s got a literally suicidal streak. She twice accepts missions to travel alone, deep into hostile territory, with the interstellar bounty hunter equivalent of nothing but the clothes on her back. Metroid II’s manual tells us that some elite corps of soldiers was sent to SR388 and never heard from again, and this didn’t dissuade Samus from going in completely alone.

This strongly implies she earnestly believes she can do the job when a literal small army couldn’t even survive: it’s not just that the Egenoid Star Marines failed at the mission, it’s that they were so completely out of their depth that none of them were able to escape the planet to report their failure!

Important and related is that starting from Metroid Ii it’s very normal for Samus to unambiguously have the option of just turning around and leaving. Her ship is on-planet, she uses it to leave at the end of a given game, and nonetheless she sticks each given mission out. She doesn’t encounter Omega Metroids and go ‘no, this is too dangerous, I’m out’. She doesn’t rampage across half of Zebes in Super Metroid and give up in disgust when she fails to find the stolen Metroid reasonably quickly. She doesn’t report the Space Pirates on Tallon IV to the Federation and leave them to clean up that particular mess while she goes to get a drink. Echoes and Fusion are the only games that actually trap Samus on-site temporarily to justify her ongoing presence, and even then if you bother to visit and scan her ship regularly in Echoes you’ll discover it’s ready for liftoff well before it’s time for the endgame, while in Fusion it actually doesn’t take that long to get back access to the Main Deck and thus her ship.

A lot of games that place a player character alone and far from civilization are very careful to explain that the player character was stranded in this strange place, and implicitly or explicitly sets the player character’s goal as escape back to civilization. The implication is generally that these are people who would never willingly inflict such a situation on themselves, and if they ever accidentally found themselves in such a situation with the ability to back out, they’d take it in a heartbeat.

Samus, meanwhile, keeps ending up in these situations and sticking them out. She doesn’t mind being alone with her thoughts for long periods of time.

It’s worth mentioning that the Japanese version of the original Metroid tracked how long you’d played, only your hours of play were presented as how many days Samus had been on Zebes. If you treat this ratio as canonical to all future games, which are generally designed so a first-time player will beat them in 4-20 hours... yeah. Samus has repeatedly spent several days or weeks in a row far away from civilization, and is just fine with sticking those situations out, and even inflicting them fairly spontaneously on herself if she has a specific reason for doing so. (eg she goes to Tallon IV in pursuit of Ridley)

Now, since this is inference there’s a fundamental ambiguity here. I personally tend to interpret Samus as being someone who finds socializing with her fellow sentients to be a stressful experience, such that going out into the wild for a week is a form of decompression and relaxation, but this isn’t the only plausible interpretation, and honestly I probably go to that interpretation because I don’t cope well with that kind of social interaction, rather than it actually being a better interpretation. One could plausibly interpret Samus as someone who, say, is actually fairly intensely social and just rates (Insert mission objective here) as more important than her own personal comfort. (In this interpretation, it would be assumed she instead decompresses from her missions by partying with her must-exist-in-this-interpretation large circle of friends) That’s certainly an excellent justification for her chasing Ridley in Metroid Prime, for example, and if we ignore Other M entirely I can’t think of a Metroid game that could be said to contradict that particular interpretation. (And Other M doesn’t count because it contradicts literally every other game on so many levels; if one game doesn’t fit while the rest are consistent with each other, you toss that one game as an inconsistency)

(Well, actually, another reason I take my interpretation of Samus is that she was raised by Ascetic Space Bird Monks, but then again plenty of people rebel against their upbringing. It’s perfectly possible to say Intensely Social Samus was driven crazy by the Chozo expecting her to be an Ascetic Space Bird Monk But As A Tiny Human, and even suggest that she takes being Intensely Social even farther than she would’ve otherwise as pushback against that whole thing)

BUT

While there’s room for interpretation and murkiness on details, Samus across the games has a fairly clear sketch of a certain range of plausible personalities. This range is also further reduced if we actually, for example, acknowledge Samus’ monologues from Fusion, which make it clear Samus concerns herself with the big picture (Suggesting that she sticks out her missions at least in part because often The Fate Of The Galaxy hinges on them kind of thing), and also seems to indicate (Consistent with her observed behavior), that Samus isn’t someone inclined toward negotiation as a problem-solving mechanism -that is, she doesn’t even countenance the possibility of trying to talk the incoming Federation goons into not trying to weaponize the X, going straight to ‘I need to make sure it’s not possible for them to try’- and that she’s got a bit of a philosophical streak to her, of exactly the sort one might expect of someone raised by Ascetic Space Bird Monks.

But even without the Fusion monologues, it’s not actually that hard to dig up a coherent personality for Samus, consistent with what we see across most of the games and compelling in its own right. It just takes a mentality that, while unusual for most writing/reading, is completely consistent with how the Metroid series prefers to convey its stories.

[fuzzyizmit]

Beastly Kingdom - Chapter 17 - Confessional

The Minutemen’s flag fluttered on top of Fizztop Grille early the next morning. Within three months, Nate stopped bothering to read the progress reports that showed up in his weekly dossiers. He was more than happy to let Nuka-World fade into the background noise of his life, another feather in his Commonwealth cap… one he wasn’t particularly fond of rehashing around campfires over a Bobrov’s Best. The only problem with this plan became evident was as soon as it had become news that Nuka-World had working pre-war attractions and someone told Mayor John Hancock. The idea of visiting a theme park, or large-scale entertainment of any kind, was virtually unheard of in the Commonwealth. Tales of whole settlements traveling to experience the pre-war wonders started to spread. They included tales of new exotic animals, a giant market filled with every vendor you could imagine and heart stopping pre-war amusement rides. On top of all that, the existence of a new home for wayward ghouls, including less violent ferals, must have started keeping Hancock up at night. At every chance, Hancok pestered Nate, his best buddy and Commonwealth hero, for a personal tour.

He managed to stall for a year before he found himself again under the cheery giant red archway, a nearly giddy Hancock in tow. Somehow, Nate couldn’t quite manage the same level of excitement.

Hancock’s eyes lit up when they entered Nuka-Cade. The flashing lights and near musical cadence of clicks, buzzers and ringing bells appeared to cast a spell over him. Nate couldn’t suppress a smile as the ghoul ran from machine to machine, tossing Atomic Roller balls and smashing commies with a 200-year-old whacker. Nate was sure Hancock must have been sneaking hits of something in between parks. Each new park area and ride was met with the same manic level of energy… either that or he was getting a sugar high from all Nuka-Cola diffused in the air. Nate lost count how many he repeatedly rode the Nuka-Galaxy coaster, only stopping after he nearly lost his lunch whipping around the alien outpost.

Their last stop was Kiddie Kingdom, a place firmly on Hancock’s must-visit list. There was no getting out of it, no matter how much Nate wanted to avoid it. Once inside, Hancock was off, the ever-curious social butterfly stretching his wings. Hancock sought out Oswald to commiserate on ghoul community governance before catching a ride on the go-carts.

Nate stuck to the periphery, alone with his thoughts. He noticed Oswald slowly made his way towards him as he leaned against a nearby fence.

“I haven’t had a chance to thank you and the Minutemen for everything you’ve done. Kiddie Kingdom has become quite the bustling settlement since…” he trailed off, searching a diplomatic phrase. “last year.”

“Yeah, well, you’re welcome.” Questions buzzed in Nate’s mind, but one burned the brightest. “How is she?” Oswald raised a brow. “Liz, I mean… my reports don’t exactly go into that much detail.” He half lied.

Oswald seemed a bit surprised at the question but answered. “She…” he hesitated. “Honestly, Liz’s never been all that comfortable here, after everything she’s been through.” He glanced over to the tower. The steps now occupied by a new merchant stall, the blood stains long faded. “She sat on those steps, moaning non-stop, for nearly three months. She wouldn’t even move until Louis was nothing but a pile of bones. After that,” he shifted uncomfortably, his shoulder slumping slightly. “She would just stand in one spot for days on end, randomly wandering off to find another. Most of the time, I’d find her just staring at a wall.”

He let out a little sighed. “At least she didn’t appear to be upset anymore. Lately, she’ll stray while I am working with someone else. We’ll find her perched on the edge of a fire escape or standing on a roof top somewhere, leaving us scratching our heads on how she got there.”

He looked down at the ground. “I get the impression she’s lost without him. In the beginning, I thought maybe this place could become home to her. Now… I’m not sure it will ever be.” Oswald peered at Nate from under the brim of his black top hat. “Why do you ask? No one here now knows who she truly was before, besides me. Why do you care?”

Nate didn’t really have a response. “She was my neighbor,” he offered but the words felt hollow, incomplete.

Oswald bristled, straightening his lapel. “Liz was a lot of things,” he said before abruptly getting up and walking off.

Nate eventually found Hancock shamelessly flirting with a ghoul at a concession stall. He had somehow turned a complement on their selection of sweet funnel cakes into something less than wholesome, getting a blush out of more than just the confectioner.

Nate needed to get out of Kiddie Kingdom, so he threw out the first thing to come to mind. “Hey, want to see the bottling plant where they used to hide all the nukalurks?”

“Fuck yeah!”

The pair made their way out a rarely used side entrance. The path that lead to the bottling plant was badly overgrown. Halfway to their destination, a movement behind a tree caught Nate’s eye. His battle hardened reflexes kicked in. Drawing his sidearm swiftly, he dropped behind a rusting trash can and took aim. Hancock followed his lead, brandishing his own shotgun on the fallen log. The figure behind the tree swayed but didn’t make a move.

“Who’s there? Come out! Slowly!” Nate commanded. The figure didn’t move. Nate, with Hancock covering from behind, broke cover. Moving closer, Nate’s jaw dropped as he recognized the face.

“Liz?!” tumbled out of his mouth, both a question and statement at the same time. Even though the two of them stood no more than a few dozen feet away from her with weapons drawn, Liz stood and stared. She remained passive and did not move to attack.

Nate relaxed his posture a bit and took a step closer. He cautiously lowered his pistol a few degrees, the muzzle still trained on the feral that had once held all Nuka-World in the palm of her hand. Liz slightly straightened up, letting out a faint hiss. It appeared she was trying to square her shoulders, as if she was trying to mirror the man in front of her. Slowly, Nate inched closer.

“Um, mind cluing me in here, buddy?” Hancock called after him, shotgun unwavering.

Taking one hand from his gun, Nate held it out in front of him. “It’s okay, Liz. Let’s get you back home. Oswald is going to be wondering where you are… you shouldn’t be out here.” His mind raced trying to come up with some safe way to somehow shoo the feral ghoul back to safety, behind the Kiddie Kingdom’s high walls.

She shifted nervously as he got close. Simultaneous, both he and Hancock noticed something glint in her hand.

“She’s got a weapon!” cried Hancock, finger on the trigger.

“Easy, John.” With the way Liz was acting, Nate got the feeling she wasn’t a threat.

For the first time, Liz lock eyes with him and held him there. Slowly she raised an ugly shard of glass up to her chest, clutched in her left hand. She placed the ragged tip to her chest and let out a gravely rough bark, her bloodshot eyes drilling into Nate’s brown. Nate’s gun fell to his side as the tension in his shoulders evaporated. She barked again.

“Boss?” Hancock confusion palpable in his voice.

Nate waved at Hancock to be quiet. He didn’t dare take his eye off her. “She’s… harmless.” He lied. They weren’t in any danger.

Her grip on the shard tightened. Liz’s bark turned into a howl. Swiftly, she unwaveringly stabbed her chest. The shard slid in her grip, slicing into her fingers before snapping awkwardly in half. She looked down, bewildered by her torn bloody hand. She let out a sad little huff. Her disappointment was nearly palpable.

Nate walked forward, slowly drawing his knife from the sheath on his belt.

“I don’t know who took your weapon… but you can have mine.” Getting a closer look at Liz’s clothing, it was clear to Nate why the glass didn’t work. Her coveralls, though weather-worn and filthy, were still lined with ballistic weave. Even his combat knife might have trouble piercing the armored fabric.

“Let me help.” He gently reached up, pulled the zipper down slightly and carefully tugged the fabric to the side. She watched his every move, still as a statue. Opening her hand, the bloody shard fell to the concrete with a clatter. Nate offered the knife. Her right hand shot out, her boney fingers wrapping around his wrist. He nearly reflexively retaliated but forced himself to let her guide his hand holding the weapon over the exposed skin of her collar and chest.

Liz’s torn lips twitched, her face stretching into an ugly grimace. Her eyes where fierce as she stared at him, as if she could push her broken thoughts into his mind by sheer force of will. She grunted in frustration, her ability to articulate herself completely lost. Instead she let out a loud assertive howl and waited. After a moment of silence, Nate understood. He gave one of his own, though shakier, yell. Nate heard shouts and footsteps pounding the pavement in the distance. With her eyes still locked on his, Liz continued barking, with Nate answering her. The two of them getting louder and faster with each chorus.

Reaching a crescendo, Liz wrapped her other hand around the hilt of the blade, plunging it into her chest. Her knees collapsed under her. Nate caught her as she fell just as a handful of worried looking ghouls with weapons drawn arrived on the scene. She was much lighter than he expected.

“Sir, are you alright?” one asked.

Nate lifted Liz’s lifeless body into his arms. “Get Oswald,” he ordered. By the time he returned to Kiddie Kingdom, a throng of ghouls rubbernecking had gathered around him. As he laid Liz down on a park bench and closed her eyes, the ghouls parted, letting their tuxedoed leader through.

“What… what happened?”

The General shook his head as he kneeled next to the bench. He couldn’t think of anything meaningful to say. How could he explain how Liz had somehow, in her feral-addled mind, sought him out for this one final act? Oswald’s face fell as the weight of the loss settled on his shoulders.

Standing up, Nate faced Oswald. “I’d like to take her back to Sanctuary with me.” Shock and anger flashed across the glowing ghoul’s face. “She was my neighbor. It seems only right she finally returns home after all these years.” He bowed his head slightly in deference to Oswald. “If that is alright with you.”

Nate could see Oswald consider the prospect, mulling it over as he frowned down at Liz. After a small sigh, he nodded his agreement, leaving Nate to organize the specifics.

By the time evening fell, Nate had procured a pack brahmin and cart, as well as a makeshift coffin. Oswald returned briefly to place a bright red Nuka-World toy truck in her hands before helping Nate nail the lid on. Nate was thankful Hancock had done his best to keep out of the way, letting the ghouls of Nuka-World help prepare one of their own for her final journey. He anticipated an avalanche of questions, though, as soon as they set out along the road to Sanctuary.

The previous year, it would have been considered foolhardy to travel the roads at night. One risked attack by innumerable bands of roaming bandits or deadly irradiated wildlife. Nowadays, with the Minutemen securing the Commonwealth, neither of the two seasoned wanderers were worried as they walked lazily behind the bulky wagon and it’s grim cargo.

As the bright lights of Nuka-World faded behind them, Hancock finally piped up. “So, you gonna fill me in about what all that was?”

“How much do you want to know?”

Hancock casually shrugged. “I’m a blank slate, brother. Start from the beginning.”

Nate found he need to take a deep breath to gather his thoughts. The semi-rhythmic clattering of the cart over the broken pavement steadied his thoughts like a rickety metronome.

“Liz Rosa lived across the street from Nora and I, from before…”

Over the years Nate had grown tired of having to constantly divide his life. Before the bombs. After the war. 200 years were gone in the blink of an eye.

“She was a widow by the time we moved in. She lived with her son, Louis. Great kid. He was always helping out around the neighborhood.” Nate glanced down at his worn boots. “Only a select few were chosen to be a part of the Vault.”

“Let me take a wild guess.” Hancock nodded toward the coffin. “Liz wasn’t on the list.”

Nate nodded. “She survived the end of the world, all while we slept frozen in the ground.” He could feel a lump growing, an angry bee buzzing in the back of his throat. “She watched everyone and everything around her die or turn feral.”

Tipping his hat, Hancock commiserated. “That’s fucking rough.”

The brahmin’s ears twitched, it’s two heads shifting nervously from side to side.

“Yeah, but despite it all, she adapted.” The brahmin stomped as they walked on. “Liz became as vicious as the world she found herself in. The raiders created what they called the Gauntlet, a depraved way to test someone’s metal… that is how Liz became the Overboss of everything. The raiders filled it with every kind of nasty trap, creature and murderer they could find. Stay alive though it and you could challenge the current Overboss for to take your place at the top of the heap. You ever see the ant swarms in Nuka-World?”

Hancock shook his head.

“Well, consider your self lucky. Imagine dozens of small lightning fast mirelurk hatchlings, each with the strength of young yao guai. Oh, and they fly.”

“Damn!”

“From what I heard, they had some really nasty native species to contend with when they arrived. Truth be told, the raiders tamed nearly all of Nuka-World.”

“Better them than us, right?” Hancock grinned back at him.

Nate had a hard time returning the good-natured smile. “She held Nuka-World firmly in the palm of her hand by the time I slogged through the Gauntlet. She recognized me, though, when I asked for an audience. Even after all the years, she remembered me. Wish I could say the same.” The ghoul walking by his side winced. “She even recognized Codsworth. She smiled as she filled him full of bullets and had him stripped for scrap. It didn’t make any sense at the time, other than she was a cold-blooded bitch.”

“What do you mean?”

“Raiders only respond to two things. Caps and power. And not necessarily in that order. How would she have looked to her people if she welcomed me into Nuka-World, the General of the Minutemen, after I waltzed through her deadly labyrinth unchallenged? Codsworth was my price of admission to the park.”

The brahmin stopped. The creature pawed at the ground. Hancock patted the brahmin’s thick neck, looking into its wide eyes. It lowed nervously.

Something blue glowed in the darkness, just out of sight. “Hancock, there only the one thing in the cart. If we let the brahmin find their own way back, do you think we could muscle it the rest of the way to Sanctuary?”

Hancock eyed the small cart and its single piece of cargo. “Between us two strapping gents… we could manage. Why?”

Nate started to calmly unhitch the scared creature. “Go home,” He coached the frightened animal before giving the beast a light thump on its rump. The brahmin didn’t need any encouragement to bound off into the night, the lantern attached to its back in fading into the distance. He turned to Hancock, who, in the weak light of the moon, cocked an eyebrow in his direction.

“I have a feeling we are about to have a visitor. Don’t make any quick movements.” Nate got up into the back of the cart and started to pry the weakly secured lid off the coffin. Hancock opened his mouth to ask a question, but no sound came out. The bright blue glow ominously filled the road.

Nate jumped down and slowly backed away. “Come say goodbye, Mama.”

Mama’s huge frame stepped into what was left of the highway. A few remnants of her once gleaming white armor clung to her, clattering against her thick hide. She cautiously stepped towards the cart, her nose twitching.

“Holy fuck!” mumbled Hancock. On impulse, his hands went to his shotgun. Lightning quick, Mama turned to him and growled, her hackles raised.

“Jesus, John! I told you! Don’t move!” Nate hissed. He prayed the giant understood his intentions. If he was wrong, they would find themselves dead very quickly.

Slowly and deliberately, Hancock let go of his gun, raising his hands up in front of him. Mama snorted, eyeing him once over, and returned to the cart. As the behemoth passed Nate, he noticed her helmet. It shifted with every movement, often slipping down and obscuring her field of view.

Reaching the cart, the deathclaw peered inside the box. She pushed the lid aside, causing it to fall and crash beside the cart. Out of the corner of his eye, Nate could see his eyes widen when Mama nuzzled the body inside gently. Mama let out Nate would be tempted to call a coo, but it was a disturbingly low and rumbling sound. After a moment, Mama backed away and turned to leave.

“Mama?” Nate managed to gulp. Mama froze and turned her massive head towards him.

Even though he knew it was a horrible idea, he felt obliged to help the creature. She had been huge key to their victory against the Brotherhood. There was very little he could do thank such a beast, but he could release her from the annoyance of her slowly disintegrating armor.

Approaching slowly, he put is palms out in front of him, showing her that he was not hiding any weapons in his hands. Her glowing blue eyes followed his every move, but she stayed stock still. He had no idea if she could understand him like Liz, but he talked to her calmly as he carefully felt for the latch to release the helmet. He was so close he could see the irritated skin around her face and eyes from the constant rubbing. It felt like an eternity before the metal clasp materialized under his fingers. Soon the pieces of armor fell away.

Mama shook her head, nearly hitting Nate with one of her huge curling horns. He skittered backwards, tripping over the uneven pavement. Suddenly sitting in the road, he watched as Mama glanced back at Hancock, over to him and then to the cart one last time before bounding away into the night, the ground shaking.

It wasn’t until the blue glow faded away did either man let out their collective breath.

Nate pulled himself to his feet. “So, did I ever tell you Liz tamed a giant quantum deathclaw?” He propped the casket lid back in place.

“You don’t say?” Hancock shot Nate a sarcastic smirk over the side of the cart and chuckled. “A tame deathclaw. I overheard a few Minutemen in The Third Rail say something about that once. That’s damn impressive. How did you know the deathclaw wouldn’t attack? Did Liz teach you any of her tricks?”

Nate chuckled. “I didn’t know, but I saw the rapport the two had. Mama followed Liz around like giant scaly puppy. If Mama wanted to eat us, she would have before either of us could have done much to stop her.”

The two of them awkwardly took up the yoke and began to drag the cart along the road, the conversation abandoned as they concentrated on the difficult the task at hand. The lights of the Red Rocket truck stop came into view. The lookouts quickly spotted their slow approach. Recognizing the General, they sent out a few settlers to help shoulder the burden the last short leg to Sanctuary.

Back behind the clattering card, Hancock piped up. “Liz seemed to recognize you back in Nuka-World, even though she was feral. That’s pretty rare. You would have thought she be out for revenge… or did she have some other sadistic reason to have you as an audience for… all that?”

Nate shook his head. “That’s not it at all.” Nate remembered back to the mortally wounded hunter who brought Mama in. “I witnessed something similar the first time I was in the park. Liz helped a dying raider to end their life on their own terms. Guess she realized I’m the last one alive that would remember that.”

They fell into silence again as they reached the wide wooden bridge leading into the cul-de-sac that made up the settlement of Sanctuary Hills. More settlers greeted them. Nate stopped the cart in front of the old Rosa residence. No longer ringed with award winning roses, the yellow siding faded and spotted with clunky repairs. It now housed a bustling workshop that fabricated nearly everything needed for the prosperous settlement. The commotion woke Sanctuary’s resident handyman dozing inside.

“Hey, General.” Sturges rubbed his eyes lazily. “What’s all the fuss at this hour? Bring me something fun to work on?” His eyes started to sparkle at the prospect of new work.

“Sorry to wake you. There’s nothing for you to do here, expect point me towards enough wood for a pyre.” Sturges face fell. He recoiled from the side of the cart.

“Look out past the old foot bridge to the Vault. We’ve been stacking junk out that way lately. I think I’ll head back to bed, if that’s alright with you.”

Nate started to wordlessly gather a large pile of scrap wood behind the workshop in the open field formed by several unused backyards. Hancock quickly joined it, followed by a few helpful night owls. They followed Nate’s example. No one talked. Soon, the pyre was set ablaze, Liz nestled securely in the middle.

Nate found himself settled in an old lawn chair, a half-finished bottle of vodka in one hand. Hancock sat next to him. The rest, after waiting a respectful moment, returned to their homes and warm beds.

Hancock waited on him, the crackling fire reflecting in his dark shadowed eyes. They drank and smoked  in silence.

Without warning, words flowed from Nate’s mouth. He felt like a faucet, suddenly turned on, full blast.

“I remember this one time, right after Nora and I moved in. Louis and another kid were playing across the street in the front yard. No one was paying much attention, but it was summer and the windows were open. Suddenly an intense argument started. The other boy shoved Louis into the rosebushes. Liz flew out of the house like a banshee. She sent the kid running home with his tail between his legs.” Shaking his head at the memory, Nate continued. “It was an open secret how much of a momma bear she was, but she it was clear that she loved him. She would take on anyone she thought hurt her son. She was fearless.” Looking down into the bottle in his hands, he realized it was almost empty.

Hancock handed him another, this time a bottle of bourbon. “That sounds familiar.”

Popping the top, Nate gave the ghoul a little nod before taking a swallow. He watched the flames licking out of the wood, thinking of the fury he leveled at Kellogg the day he confronted him. A fury he ended up turning on his own son, Shaun, when he burned the Institute to the ground. No, not Shaun, not his Shaun. Father.

“It makes me wonder, if our situations were reversed, could I have done everything she did… survive that long, become the Overboss… raise an army... hell! She took on Liberty Prime pretty much single handedly! All to keep her boy safe.”

“What? The kid ghoulified? Damn.”

Nate faced Hancock. “Yeah. Feral, too. She somehow kept him safe all these years. She was good at hiding him. In all the time I was there, no one said a thing about a kid. Everyone though Liz took trips to Kiddie Kingdom to shack up with Oswald.” He turned back to the fire. “Well, almost everyone.” A log split with a crack in the blaze, mixing with the flash from Gage’s muzzle and the percussive bang of Kellogg’s 44. “Her right-hand-man got pissed she got the raiders to reform and killed him in front of her. Liz went feral instantly. I saw it, the moment she lost it. Honestly, I can’t blame her.” Nate kicked a stone idly. “Not that any of that mattered. Not in the end.”

Hancock took a long drag from his cigarette. “What do you mean? About the reforming bit?”

Sighing, Nate frowned. “The Nuka-World raiders had been creeping into the Commonwealth. Sometimes they would strong-arm settlers, other times they would take some a whole settlement. They were getting bold, hinting at their numbers and power. There were rumors about Nuka-World, of a working power plant and enslaved traders. Preston and I hatched a plan. Offer them a carrot, something so enticing they couldn’t refuse. An easy way to make caps hand over fist, trade with all the big settlements. Getting them to agree to our terms to become cannon fodder against the Brotherhood was paired with setting’em on some impossible task. To keep them distracted, see.” A lump rose in his throat. “But how the hell was I supposed to know Liz could actually do it? On top of freeing the traders, she did the fucking impossible! She civilized the fucking Nuka-World raiders! Proper Commonwealth citizens, the whole nine yards. She even sacrificed a third of her people to ensure the rest would follow the plan.” Feeling the pain of his nails digging into this hand, he took a moment to loosen his grip on the neck of the bottle. “But all that was just a smoke screen. We needed them to turn away from the Commonwealth… divert them. The Brotherhood would thin their numbers, exhaust their men and resources. Take them down to a manageable amount so we could easily overwhelm them and wipe’em out.” The fire burned hot, throwing long dancing shadows into the darkness. “Maybe it’s better she went feral. She never saw her empire fall.”

When Nate looked back to Hancock’s silhouette, the flickering fire played with the deep scars on his face, obscuring his expression.

“Let me get this straight.” His dark eyes narrowed. “Liz did everything you asked of her, made everyone change their ways, went to war for you… and you stabbed her in the back?”

Nate back pedaled. “You don’t understand. As soon as Liz went feral, the place started falling apart. Her bosses were already at each other throats. The gangs were in chaos even before I set foot out of the park.”

“No. That’s not what you said. You made plans to take what you wanted before that shit even went down. Someone had something you wanted, so you were going to take it… any means necessary.”

“That’s not fair, John. They were raiders…”

Hancock stood up. “Stop right there. You said yourself. They were reformed. Those weren’t raiders you had slaughtered. They were citizens! You didn’t even give them a chance!” The light of the fire lit Hancock with an ominous red glow.

Nate stammered, but the ghoul cut him off again. “And here you are, burning the corpse of the woman you betrayed. What are you going to do when she’s nothing ash in that pyre? Piss on her blackened bones to put her out?” His eyes burned. “You brought her back here because you feel guilty. You’re trying to hide your shame.”

Nate couldn’t look Hancock in the face anymore. Nor could he lift his eyes to the fire. He stared down at his mud caked boots, the empty bottle limp in his hand. John was right.

“Maybe the next thing that catches your eye is a little town close to Diamond City with some fancy memory tech and a hopping drug trade. Or what about a prosperous tarberry bog farm?”

Hancock’s knife in his guts would have been less painful than that stab. “John, please, it’s not like that.”

“Maybe it is. Maybe it isn’t. How’s a ghoul ‘spose to know?” He pulled his tri-corned hat down, covering his eyes. “I’m need to take a walk.”

Nate sat in silences as he walked away. Why had he spilled his guts to Hancock like that? No one else knew everything that had happened. He understood how badly it would go. Hancock hated it when people punched down. Hancock would probably never trust him again, not like before. Maybe he would even hate him. God knew Nate hated himself right now.

He wasn’t surprised when Hancock didn’t return that night.

All that was left by the time sun rose was glowing embers. Nate shivered, wet from the morning dew. The mundane sounds of Sanctuary waking up bloomed around him. Sturges brought him a steaming cup of coffee, but it did little to warm him.

Soberly, Nate gathered what remained of Ms. Elizabeth Rosa. He buried her beneath were her brilliant red roses used to grow. None of the people around him understood why he went about this duty stone faced and without a word, but they gave him a wide birth.

Eventually, Hancock’s anger cooled but Nate didn’t quite feel the same connection they had before.

Over time, an aggressive radioactive fern grew over her grave. Nothing anyone tried could uproot it from its spot. It returning bigger year after year, causing the inhabitants of the settlement to give it a wide birth. Nate figured it was the best fitting tribute to the ghoul who rested beneath it’s toxic leaves.

---

Author’s Note: Thank you so much for reading my first finished fic. I appreciate everyone who read and enjoyed my little story. I still have plans for a small prequel focusing on pre-war Liz and her family, so I'm not quite done with her yet! I hope I gave her a proper send off... if not, Liz might come back and slit my throat for the insult! ;)Thank you again for reading! <3 If you want to follow me on AO3, please feel free!

[lindsayisfindingflow]

An Illinois Marathon race recap of sorts

Instead of a traditional race recap, I thought I’d just write up some bullet points on the good and bad parts of this race (with some race photos thrown in for good measure, cuz they’re free!)

(This one is fun cuz it looks like I’m doing the robot)

What went wrong:

- I likely ran my long runs a bit slower/easier than I should have, and as a result my glutes weren’t used to working in the way that they do at marathon pace, even though I did a handful of MP runs.

- I didn’t have the base going into marathon training that I did for my last marathon. I was coming off three months of minimal running due to travel and a hamstring injury, and my 2018 running mileage was low in general due to Ironman training. I think marathons reward having months/years of base work more so than shorter race distances, so it makes sense that my speed improved at shorter distances but not in the marathon.

- Given these two things, I should have gone out more conservatively in the first half. Maybe if I’d gone out with the 3:30 pacer at the beginning things would have gone differently, and I could have slipped in under 3:30 with a small PR/BQ. I wanted a comfortable BQ though, which is why I started out more aggressively.

- I don’t know why, but I think I wasn’t there mentally on race day. I don’t think I believed I was going to have a good race; I was just hoping that once I got out there and was running everything would click.

- Less important, but there was a LOT of concrete in the first half of the race, and I think that played a small role in hurting so early too. I ended up wearing my more cushioned shoes and I’m so glad I did.

What went right:

- I am glad I picked this marathon. Champaign/Urbana is a cool area, and given the size of the race, I was surprised/impressed by how many spectators were out there cheering people on. Parking on race morning was super easy, and there were no lines at the Porto-potties I used before the race. I was immediately able to hit pace when the race started, and there was little to no weaving. I know this isn’t always the case for this race, but the weather was basically perfect too. The only downside is that when the half marathoners left us the race really thinned out, which was a bummer.

- I ran another marathon; a distance that honestly still seems ridiculous when I stop and think about it. I ran it in my second fastest time ever, at a pace I could have only dreamed of running a few years ago.

- I didn’t let myself completely give up. I know, a 10 minute positive split kinda seems like I did, but in between walking/stretching breaks when my glute was really hurting, I continued to run at an 8:XX pace. At least that’s what my watch said on the rare occasions I let myself look. 😂

- Building on that, the 3:35 pacer picked me up around mile 25. He had one person running with him, and asked me if I wanted to finish with them. I said I’d try, and we busted out one last 7:50 mile (the downhill on the last mile definitely helped too). At mile 26 I couldn’t push quite as hard as they did because I felt my calf starting to cramp. They waited for me at the finish though, and they seriously made the race so much better.

(You can see my new pals waiting for me here)

What’s next:

Looking at my training logs, my running volume has been about the same since 2016. Sure, there have been times where I was averaging in the upper 40s, but then there were times that I averaged in the mid 20s. I think I’ve gotten all the fitness I can out of averaging ~30 mi/week year round, and I need to start maintaining higher mileage year round to continue seeing improvements. Thanks to this marathon cycle I’m in a great place to maintain a 40MPW base over the summer, then build off of it for a fall marathon. But for now, I’m excited to recover, and just run for the fun of it. I considered signing up for a half Ironman this summer, but I think I’ll stick to shorter race distances instead. I want to race more often this summer, and take a break from the long stuff.

Although I’d like to go for a last minute BQ in August/September, I’m supposed to go to China for two weeks at the end of August, so the timing wouldn’t work out well. I really wanted to make it to Boston 2020 so I could say I ran it before I turned 30, but oh well. It was just an arbitrary goal anyway. Maybe in a couple weeks I’ll really believe that and will have moved on. 😊

[shadeofazmeinya]

Solar (7/?)

Chapter Summary: “I know. But I want to help. I don’t want it to have to come to me forcing you to be calm to make it stop. You need to learn control of it.”

“It’s dangerous to use it,” Gavin says, face falling and chest tightening at the thought of purposely letting it out. “I don’t want to hurt any of you.”

A/N: Sorry for the week delay! School’s picking up now and keeping me from writing. Pay attention for updates, I’m not sure if the next update will be delayed as well in two weeks. I’ll let you guys know! As always, reblogs and comments really appreciated!!

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17319107/chapters/43268570

The fear doesn’t stop in the next few days, no matter that nothing happens and that the others were always reassuring of his safety. Gavin finds himself constantly looking over his shoulder, body constantly wanting to shake. He stays out of sight in the shop if he’s ever down there, ducking in the back counters and away from windows. He ends up spending time hiding up in the apartment, hiding up there as often as he can as this constant anxious energy has also lead to a different problem. His glow.

He tries to stifle it, putting his hands in his pockets when they start to brighten. In the panic stirring, it was getting harder to stop his emotions from bringing his Ability out. To bring warmth to ease his shaking hands. But he couldn’t let it go, can’t let it get too strong where he can’t stop it. And, most importantly, can’t let it make him easy to find.

Gavin thought he had been good of hiding it from the others, too. But in the end, he could only dampen it so much. He’s curled on the couch in the apartment, mindlessly playing through one of their video games to pass the time when he hears footsteps come upstairs. The lock clicking sends a straight shot of terror up his spine, making him drop the controller and hunch into the couch. His head peaks out the back just enough to make sure it’s one of the others, a hand held out to his side. But as he spots Geoff’s tattooed hand running through his hair, it gives a sigh of relief through him and Gavin deflates, shoulders dropping back down.

Geoff turns to him as he hears him, blinking and then face falling into a frown. “You’re glowing,” he informs him, stepping over.

Gavin’s cheeks burn as he looks down and sees he’s right. Gavin wraps his hands under his shirt, burying the light poorly under fabric. “Sorry,” he mutters to the floor.

Geoff moves around the couch, sitting besides him. Gavin shrinks back, curling into himself on the other side. Geoff gives him a long, firm look. Gavin tries to make himself to calm down, not let Geoff detect any of the panic that’s clearly on his face regardless.

“You’ve never really learned how to control your Ability, have you?” Geoff says after the silence and it comes out more as fact than question. Not quite an accusation, but Gavin can hear the weight in the words.

Gavin swallows, nodding. “Wasn’t allowed to use them. So, I don’t really know how to make it… work how I need it, I guess.”

“That’s what I figured,” Geoff sighs as he rests his arm over the back of the couch, shifting to face Gavin. “That and the fact you fucking glow whenever you’re spooked.”

Gavin bites his lip, wrapping his arms tighter around himself. “I’m not trying to do that.”

“I know. But I want to help. I don’t want it to have to come to me forcing you to be calm to make it stop. You need to learn control of it.”

“It’s dangerous to use it,” Gavin says, face falling and chest tightening at the thought of purposely letting it out. “I don’t want to hurt any of you.”

“It might be dangerous to use it here,” Geoff nods. “But I can think of a few places we can practice. Somewhere that we won’t gain too much attention. You need to learn to use your Ability. Just like the other boys have had to learn to control theirs.”

Gavin frowns. “Practice it? Shouldn’t I just learn to stop it? If I use it, it might make it worse.”

“From my experience, trying to stifle it only makes your power want to come out more,” Geoff hums. “Especially since it’s clearly connected to your emotions. But if you let it go every now and then, you learn how it works. You can learn what exactly makes it go and what exactly it takes to turn it off when you need to. Not that you need to turn it off with us. Other than obviously not burning one of us. But we don’t mind the glow. Jack thinks it’s helping all his plants grow a little faster,” he offers a smile.

“Is it really?” Gavin raises an eyebrow.

Geoff shrugs. “I honestly don’t know enough about plants to say if that’s true or not. But Jack’s smart and clearly knows a lot about plant life, so it’s probably right. Just like I’m right about you using those powers. In fact, maybe tomorrow I can take you and Michael out. Michael needs a chance to run around a bit. He’s been getting antsy being stuck down in the shop. I think you both could use a chance to show off those Abilities.”

Gavin blinks, confused because Michael has always seemed to be aggravated anyway, but Geoff clearly knew him more. So Gavin nods accepting Geoff’s offer for wherever this is that he wants to take him on. If Geoff truly thinks this is going to work, Gavin is willing to give it a try. These people know more about these powers than the people in Gavin’s life who claimed to know everything before.

--

It takes a few more days, but then one morning Geoff’s piling Gavin and Michael into their car with some packed food in a basket as Geoff explains they are going to be gone most of the day. They’re out of the house as the sun is starting its peak into the sky, rays of orange stretching through the deep blue. Michael is grinning wide as he flops into the passenger’s side of the car. Gavin slips in after him, stifling a yawn.

“You boys ready to go?” Geoff says as he turns the car on.

“Where exactly is it that we’re going?” Gavin says, sitting back in the car. He had been given sunglasses and a hat to disguise himself, to hide as they drive through the city. He wore his scarf as well, pulling it up to his cheeks.

“Don’t want to spoil the surprise,” Geoff grins, pulling the car out of its parking spot and into the street to begin their journey.

Gavin watches the city fly by the window as they go. They leave the worst of the concrete and glass, the buildings getting smaller and further apart. Gavin doses off, as the ride stretches longer and longer, the lull of the vibration of the car easing his head back and eyes close.

When Gavin stirs again, it takes him a moment to realize it’s because the car had stopped. He blinks as he takes off the sunglasses and hat to see they had pulled into some wooded area, a small cabin poking out amongst the thin, bare trees. The chilled autumn air cuts as Geoff pushes open the car door, stepping out.

Michael shoves out of the car next, a big grin stretching across his face. He races through the trees, leaves and twigs crunching under every step.

“Undress before you shift!” Geoff calls out to Michael. “In the cabin, please!”

Michael deters his sprint to the front door of the cabin, yanking off his jacket as he bursts inside.

Gavin glances to Geoff, finding a fond smile on his face. “Where exactly are we?”

Geoff turns to him. “Some abandoned building we found a while back. I think it was someone’s summer home, but they haven’t been using it. It’s away from the roads, hard to see it. Makes for a perfect spot for Michael to run around or for us to get away if we need to.”

Gavin nods, but can’t help but to look around through the trees. He wasn’t sure where this forest is, how far out of the city they are. Which direction from the city they are. How close to Prome they may be. But then Geoff moves back over to his side, a hand falling on his shoulder, pulling him out of his rising anxious thoughts.

“It’s safe here,” he promises. “C’mon. Let’s go inside. I’ll get a fire going in the fireplace so we can warm up.”

They take a few steps towards the cabin before the door bursts open again, a roar bellowing as a beast shoves through. Gavin’s eyes go huge, as he looks over the creature that is bent over with clawed paws digging into the dirt. A snarled muzzle reveals rows of sharp teeth as long as Gavin’s fingers, the muscles on its arms and legs like the trunks of trees. The eyes held a familiar deep brown, though. Fur a familiar curl.

Geoff laughs besides Gavin, squeezing his shoulder as Gavin realizes his jaw fell open. “Quite a sight every time you see him fully changed, huh? Don’t run off too far, Michael. But have some fun.”

The beast grunts, Gavin thinks he sees a nod before its legs push itself into the air, bounding off. The floor seems to rumble with its every step, twigs and rocks turning over where it lands. Gavin watches as it barks and flops down into the leaves, rolling around before running off again, deeper into the trees until he was out of sight.

“He’ll be alright,” Geoff hums as he leads Gavin into the cabin. “Just needs a chance to run a bit in that form. Let’s just hope he doesn’t try to fucking hunt something like he did one time. Killed a deer once.”

“He hunts like that?” Gavin says, suppressing a gag at the thought of Michael showing up covered in deer blood and holding its carcass.

“He doesn’t like… have a need to. It’s still Michael in there. I think he just wanted to show off. Got a bit carried away.”

“Does he have… instincts then as that beast or whatever it is that he is?” Gavin says as they push past the threshold into the cabin. The room is filled with cold air and Gavin has to pull his scarf up more.

“There’s some from what Michael’s described. At least there are reflexes that come out, probably from his enhanced senses. He can hunt things down, fight better. Really likes to bite,” he smirks.

Gavin swallows, not really feeling reassured in that. Geoff doesn’t seem unnerved, moving over to a fireplace sitting in the other wall and gathers some logs set besides it. Gavin stays put, looking all around the place.

It isn’t a very large cabin, much like the apartment most of the space was in the main room. A dusty fabric couch sat besides the fireplace, a creaking rocking chair in the corner and a coffee table that sat crooked, one side leaning down from a broken leg. The wind outside made the walls groan, but they manage to hold steady.

A crackling interrupts and a warm light flickers as Geoff sits back from the lit fireplace. Gavin moves toward it, sitting down and letting the heat brush against his skin as he holds his hands out. The warmth is comforting, not quite like the sun inside, not quite like his own sun, but close enough.

Geoff stays sitting besides him, crossing his legs and turning to him. “Ok,” he announces. “Here’s where we’re going to begin. I want you to bring forth your Ability, let your hands shine or the sphere of light appear, however that works. Just bring out a small amount. Focus on the feeling of it. What it takes to get it started.”

Gavin nods, chewing on his bottom lip. Just let a little bit of light. Just get used to using it. He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. Then he turns his palms up as he rests them against his legs. He pulls on that warmth in his chest that sits nuzzled between his ribs, always resting, waiting. The heat then fills his arms and hands as he guides the light forward. It’s easy, really. A second nature no matter how much he stifled it. The light trickled like water and even with his eyes closed he can see that the he is starting to shine.

“Good,” Geoff’s voice says softly besides him. “It’s not bad now. Try to increase it. Slowly now.”

Gavin’s brows furrow as he concentrates. Just increase it a little. And he does, bringing forth more. He can feel himself grow warmer, can see the light increase. Again it’s easy, like turning the faucet, letting more flow. Too easy, the light begging to be let out, wanting to flood. Wanting to be set free. A little more slips out, faster than he wants, heat turning to a burn. A burn that could hurt Geoff and sharp panic grips Gavin’s heart but its not enough to stop the light. It continues to grow and Gavin can’t pull it back, he can’t stop it, he can’t-

A hand clasps onto his arm, a shock that jolts Gavin. But then the panic starts to seep away. A cold, unnatural calm fills in after it, heart turning sluggish and breath coming easier. Gavin’s eyes snap open to see he is no longer glowing. He blinks, confused until looking over to Geoff, who’s face is firm in concentration. He flickers his gaze to Gavin, and after a long moment, lets go of his arm again.

“Sorry,” he murmurs. “You were panicking and I didn’t want you to lose control.”

“That was you then?” Gavin says, eyes widening with realization of how little of Geoff’s Ability he’s felt before. Or, how he hadn’t felt it at all really. Not like that.

Geoff nods. “I should’ve warned you, sorry. But I didn’t think you’d panic that fast and I figured it was better to calm you down before you burn anything. Michael would be very annoyed if we did that,” he offers a faint chuckle. “You were doing well before then, though. You can easily start up your Ability, which is good. And increase it. The panic is when it started growing more intense.”

Gavin sighs. “The light can get out of control,” he mutters. “And it’s dangerous. It burns people. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Don’t worry about me. I’ll calm you down if it gets bad. Just focus on what it feels like to use your ability. We’ll work up slowly, but we will need to practice it.”

“Ok…” Gavin nods, taking a shaky breath. “Ok. Let me try again. Promise me though that you’ll stop me if it gets too warm for you. It won’t burn me, but I don’t want to hurt you.”

Geoff gives a soft smile back, squeezing his shoulder. “I’ll stop you. But you’re doing good. Close your eyes and try again.”

Gavin swallows, shifting and taking another breath. But he does as Geoff says, closing his eyes and letting the light start to trickle again.

It takes a long time before Gavin’s able to increase his ability without the panic flaring through. Each time, Gavin could feel Geoff pull the panic away, causing the light to blink out as well. Gavin grew frustrated after Geoff would remove his hand and he’d try it from the beginning. Advancing carefully each time. And he even starts to be able to dissipate it as well, turning off without Geoff changing his feelings as the training goes along.

It’s more use and control of his power than he’s had… well, ever, he believes. It leaves him tired at the end of the session, some deep exhaustion where all of his muscles are sore and bones are aching, but he’s smiling all the same.

Geoff grins besides him as well, nodding as Gavin looks over to him. “You’re doing a great job. A much better start than with some of the other boys, don’t get me started on those disasters. I think now’s a good break for some lunch, how about you? We have to go find that bear boy anyway.”

Gavin grins and stands up, brushing off as Geoff slips out and starts calling Michael’s name. Gavin hears the large footprints crash towards the house, another bark sounding. Gavin moves over to the window as the beast races to the house, panting heavily but the bright brown eyes shining in mirth. The beast stops in front of Geoff, who reaches up to scratch some of the fur.

“Go in and get dressed,” he chuckles as Michael leans into his touch.

Michael seems to grin, at least Gavin’s assuming that’s what he’s doing as his mouth stretches back and menacing teeth peak out. Michael pushes in past Geoff into the house as Geoff just continues to laugh. It’s a tight fit through the door, but Michael slips in with practiced ease. He notices Gavin, moving and nuzzling his head against his shoulder. Gavin stiffens at it, a startled laugh escaping him as he reaches carefully to run his hand through thick fur. It was softer than he expected, even with little twigs and bits of dirt mixed in. And the beast seems calmer this close. Not as terrifying as it was before.

Michael leans into his touch for a moment, before turning and licking his hand. Gavin yelps, disgust pulling on his face as he rubs the saliva off. The beast’s shoulders rise and fall, some breathy noise that must be laughter. Then Michael moves back, walking on all fours into the small bedroom. He starts to get smaller as he moves, bones reshaping, hair decreasing as the beast turns and disappears into the room.

Geoff stays outside, heading to the car to go dig out their basket of food as Michael changes, the latter coming out of the room after a few long moments, now fully dressed. His face was flushed, hair a matted mess, but his smile stretched across his whole face. It’s maybe the happiest Gavin has seen him yet. “Fuck, it’s been a while since I’ve been able to do this,” he says, stretching his arms behind his back. “Feels so nice to run around. How was Ability training between you and Geoff?”

“I think I’m making progress,” Gavin says, rubbing the back of his head. “It’s hard to tell exactly.”

“It’s not fucking easy to start when you’re out of practice,” Michael nods. “Give it time. I wanna see how you’ve been doing. You’ll need to show me this strange as hell light of yours.”

Gavin chuckles, opening his mouth to respond when they’re interrupted by the door being thrown open again, Geoff bursting in. Gavin frowns as he sees he isn’t holding any of their food, face dropped to something serious. Something not good. Geoff held his phone in one hand, eyes wide as he spoke in a rushed voice.

“We need to go home. Ryan’s back and he’s hurt.”

[dermagain]

So after logging in for the first time in- honestly I wanna say a year 😟- I found a private message from someone asking me what has been helping me get better

and like an idiot I immediately accidentally deleted the message. So, sorry person that I can't message you back, but I'm gonna post this and hopefully you'll see it. I've been through a lot of major life changes in the past couple years and haven't really been on tumblr at all (sadly! I've been on a limited data plan too, so I deleted the app). I hope you've all been well in the meantime and are managing ok

This is going to be a very long post, but I'll try to break it up into paragraphs that will make it easier to skim for what you find useful. Quick warning, I'm going to be mentioning eating disorders a few times, but without going into details. First off, I'll go into a couple of the big developments in my life that are derma-relevant. A few months ago I was finally diagnosed with bipolar II, which consists mostly of depressive episodes, but has to be treated differently than unipolar depression, since antidepressants without a mood stabilizer can cause bipolar cycling. I'm now on a mood stabilizer, which is working well, and I'm finding that without bipolar cycling I have less anxiety, leading to less need for self-soothing rituals, which for me leads to less picking. If you might have an underlying condition that's exacerbating your picking, please go see a doctor/psychologist/psychiatrist if you can and haven't already. It took me several of them over several years to be taken seriously, and I'm going to follow up with a separate post with some of the details on how I finally got through to the professionals, in case that's helpful. Another change in my life is that I've relocated, moving out of state after (mostly) living where I come from into my adult years. Being away from all the places and things that pull me back into old traumas and outdated anxieties has helped A LOT. Of course, moving isn't a solution for everyone, and it requires some money and a lot of freedom, and it's stressful... my point is really just that external circumstances play a big role in how we feel and behave and it's worth making whatever positive changes you can. They won't "fix" your derma, but if you can focus on some of your other goals you may find that you're picking less. But of course, change just triggers some people, so it's very important to take what you know about yourself into account on this one. Now, to address the question I deleted, I'm gonna lay out a bunch of the strategies that were working for me before all that: I read a post by someone in the derma community several years ago recommending the book The Four Day Win by Martha Beck, and read it. I wish I remembered who suggested this or where, so I could give credit, but this was probably 5 years back and I have no idea. It's a diet book, but many of the chapters apply to reducing any behavior that you're trying to break out of, and adapt well to skin picking. I had a hard time pushing through the book because I'm extremely anti-diet and firmly believe that advocating dieting is also advocating eating disorders. Several members of my family have struggled with eating disorders, so there were times when I wanted to throw this book across the room, but ultimately I found it helpful. You can probably get a copy from your local library if you want to read it, but I'm also going to give a capsule version here of what I found helpful/adapted from the book for my own use. The premise is that instead of setting ourselves up for failure by trying to do something difficult *indefinitely* (sticking to a diet or not picking, for example), we only commit to four days at a time, and give ourselves a reward when we complete a four day cycle. The rewards, for me, were something small and concrete, usually buying myself something inexpensive that I wanted. When the four days was up, I was allowed to pick all I wanted, but then would start another four days of not picking right after. If four days is too long to manage, you can always use shorter times. I would often do 3 days, but if 2 or even 1 whole day is more realistic for you it's more important to set a very specific time and then reward yourself at the end. You have to be consistent with the reward, not giving yourself the reward anyway if you do pick, and not sacrificing it (to save money or whatever) if you do make your goal. It's like training an animal, except we are the animal we're training. Make sure your rewards aren't anything you pretty much need, since that becomes a system of punishments for not making it, and in order to work this has to be a system of rewards for doing well. It's an entirely positive system. I would sometimes get myself a larger reward if I didn't pick (or barely picked) between 3 or 4 day no-picking periods, but didn't plan ahead for that because you really need to keep your mind on the short term when doing this. If I did pick when I wasn't supposed to, I would sometimes give myself a reduced version of the original reward if I made it to the end of the original 4 days without doing it again. For instance, if I was going to buy a new set of paint brushes, I might scale it back to choosing an individual brush. Or if I felt like it was realistic, I would start another 4 days immediately after lapsing. Being as realistic as possible is important for this one. Another thing I would do is keep a log of where on my body I was picking, when, how many individual spots I was going at, and any particularly pertinent facts like an unusual mood or triggering event. I was putting it in the calendar on my phone so the time was recorded automatically, and I had a system of abbreviations that kept it easy. An entry might read "f4, a2 (blood), s4. Very anxious", which would mean I picked at 4 spots on my face, 2 on my arms to the point of drawing blood, and 4 spots on my shoulders, and that I was experiencing an unusual degree of anxiety. I would differentiate between my arms and shoulders because my shoulders are a particular problem area for me, but I also pick at my scalp sometimes, so I would indicate my scalp with an "h" for head, since "s" was shoulders. If I picked at an area enough that I couldn't say a specific number of spots, I would just say "bad", like "a2, sbad, l3" would mean I picked 2 spots on my arms and 3 on my legs and really took it out on my shoulders. Of course, you would adapt your log to what is most pertinent or useful for you. The log served a few purposes. For one, just having more awareness can be really helpful, also I would actually sometimes hold off on picking just because if I did it, I would have to acknowledge it in writing. I would sometimes stop myself in time to put down a number instead of "bad". It also makes it easier to see when you've been doing pretty well lately, and feel good about it. Prepping to pick helped too, instead of denying that I was going to do it until the very last minute and then going at it impulsively. I would get home at night or in the afternoon and wash my hands with antibacterial soap first thing, then rinse my face and put on a face mask that I could keep on for a couple hours. Its best if you can do that without being in front of a mirror, which could mean using your kitchen sink or covering your bathroom mirror. If you can't do that, try not to even glance at the mirror if you can manage. I got pretty good at keeping my eyes down completely while going through this routine. When I eventually had to rinse off the mask, if I did get sucked into picking at least my hands and face were clean and the skin on my face was in pretty good shape so the damage was minimized and the spots I picked at wouldn't flare up and get infected from getting all the dirt you pick up outside in them (gross, I know). Honey works pretty well in place of commercial face masks, cause it's a physical barrier and great for your skin, but you have to be more committed to avoiding mirrors, since you can still see your skin through honey. Besides face masks/honey, there were other physical barriers that helped. Pretty much everyone comments on this, but it bears repeating. I would wear shirts at home that were tight in the sleeves so getting at my shoulders wasn't convenient, which honestly is something I need to get back in the habit of doing. As you can probably tell from all the past-tense, I'm doing well lately, but my arms and shoulders are what I go for most when I do pick. If there were only a couple visible spots on my face, I would cover them with band-aids, and I would sometimes wear gloves at home. I've also made lists for myself of anything that's helpful, meaning both practical tips and alternatives to picking (even if they sound dumb or obvious), and information that it's helpful for me to remind myself of. I have an old list in front of me right now, and some of the suggestions on it are super simple, but were actually helpful for whatever reason. Some of them actually strike me as kind of self-shaming now, but inspired me at the time. Whatever works, I guess. Here are some of the items from the list (the not-shamey ones): Wait it out. Later is better than now. Drink some water. Have a snack. Take a nap. Put on long sleeves. Consciously remember not to do it. Turn out the lights. Watch a movie. Read a book. Listen to music. This is an outgrown coping mechanism. This is an internalization of being "picked on." I don't want to let people who have treated me unfairly manifest themselves in me. DON'T do "just one" (it's never just one). Relapse is a normal part of recovery, and it doesn't determine the future. Adherence is the goal, but near-adherence is almost as good. If I can't do 100%, I can try for 90%, or 75%. It's still worth maintaining, even if it's not perfect. No comment made by any idiot is my problem. Relax and breathe. Remember to eat, sleep, and play music. I really don't need to touch my face at all except for daily skincare. Even MH "just stopped". I'll explain that last item. It's a reference to Marya Hornbacher's memoir, Wasted. Marya had a severe eating disorder for years, to the point that it almost killed her (you may know this part, it's been a popular title for a while...) Like I said, my family history is peppered with eating disorders, so I've put in my due diligence reading up on them. She reaches the point of almost dying, and then -like some kind of miracle- she "just stops" the behavior that would otherwise have taken her life. The reason I included that as a kind of affirmation isn't because I think my picking will "just stop", but rather because it's such an extreme example of how people sometimes turn a corner in their struggles and start to get better, no matter how bleak their future looked during their darkest times. Anyway, making lists like this are helpful if you can include whatever helps YOU to remember, not what helps someone else, or only things you don't think are obvious. If it's obvious and it helps you, put it on the list. If it's not clear why exactly it's relevant but it helps you, put it on the list. Then keep your list someplace handy, like on your wall or taped to your desk, or in the back of your journal. I hope some of this helps y'all, sorry it's 5 miles long, but I wanted to include everything I could think of. Love you all. Best.

[carrickbender]

The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated..... that being said, my life has taken a few unexpected turns in the last month or so, and it's been kind of crazy... So let me catch you up, if you will allow me to be so self-indulgent: 1. 2 weeks ago, I started a new job with a company called Cosmo specialty fibers. They produce, from wood chips, the pulp that goes into damn near everything which binds stuff like toothpaste, cigarette filters, photographic paper... You name it...together into the form which we know and use. It would never have been my first choice, but when somebody calls you and asks if you're still interested in a position that pays almost double what you were currently making, you jump at the chance. Now mind you, this is not necessarily as physically easy as my previous job, and wearing steel toe boots and walking on a concrete floor is pretty lame. But, the people I work with are great, the benefits are amazing, and it's going to allow me to make the choice in 6 to 8 months of weather I want to stick around for a little while or go on to do my Merchant Mariners coursework. I'd like to mention that my leaving my old job for that major online retailer whose name rhymes with Country Crock has nothing to do with them. Again, I was working with kind, intelligent, thoughtful People Who provided a very nice place to work. But when someone doubles your paycheck, you listen. Which leads me to... 2. I finally did the adult thing and bought a car. You know, I've owned a Volkswagen Bug before but it was a 1973 Super Beetle. And being that I'm 41, and that I've always purchased vehicles with other people( a newer vehicle, that is, when I was with my ex-wife) this was the first time I bought something that I wanted. Kids, Volkswagen are wonderful automobiles. This is my new rock mobile, the one that is going to plop me all over the Northwest this summer and spring watching and playing shows, and generally making a nuisance of myself. 3. Yes, if you notice something in the one picture of me in the hard hat, I had to shave my beard. This is a gray area with the place of my employment, because we are required to keep personal protective equipment on our person at all time. And I'm not just talking about a hard hat, or safety glasses and earplugs, I'm talking about the fact that I had to be fit tested for an SCBA apparatus and am required to keep an evacuation breather on a belt loop at all times. It gives me 20 minutes or so to get the hell out of dodge and not die in the case of a sulfur dioxide leak. So yeah, I'm adjusting to life without a beard. It is a gray area, and as I have to go in and talk to my supervisor tomorrow, I'm going to ask what the deal is about having a beard. Because honestly, I feel naked without it. And that baby face? I don't think so! How am I ever going to get on with the baby face like that? LOL 4. So I went and saw the Reverend Horton Heat the other night with my lead guitar player. The show is intense, the guitar playing was mystical and bombastic, and I didn't realize it was what I needed when I accepted the offer of going up to the show, but I really did need it. I think every now and then we need to get reinspiring influences, like a dose of something that gives us a shot in the arm. And the thing about it is that I've been writing a lot, and working on music whenever my schedule allows. But I'm in a funk writing wise, and I have no feeling like I have so much to say but I don't know where to start. So all of you amazing writers out there, if anybody has a hint... Please, feel free to help loosen up the Log Jam that is my brain right now. 5. Speaking of log jams breaking up, you ever come to a realization where someone is not telling you something but they're doing things out of character and you just know that they're not telling you something big and important? See, I feel like I've been very blessed by the great beyond in that y'all have let me be privy to your lives and to the things that are going on, especially with losing someone. And in that context, I had a cathartic moment in that I finally piece together some pieces of a puzzle that has been 41 years in the making. Let me explain... As many of you know, my Dad and I didn't start to get to know each other until I was 20 years old. In my parents relationship, there was a lot of drama and turmoil, both of them being teenagers, my grandmother threatening to kill my father if he ever tried to play a role in my life... The list honestly goes on. The bottom line is that I didn't get to know my father until I was an adult, and I think that that probably was the best thing ever. So, like so many of you, my father has a terminal disease and other health issues that are life-threatening as well. And over the last year, maybe even two years, for the first time in our relationship my dad has reached out more than ever. He is tried to be a father figure when I needed advice, he has tried to do things for me financially which he never did, and I see him trying to do things in his life that he said that he's going to do and it made me realize that I need to be more attentive and a better son to my father. Now you can say is much as you want to because my mom never had a dime of financial support from my dad, and there is a case that some people in my life have made for just saying no, and shutting him out. I mean, for so many years I was the one who had to make contact always, I'm the one who had to make the phone call on Christmas Eve to my grandparents trying to find out where he was and initiate contact after 20 years, I'm the one who has had to do all of these things within our relationship, and I had my mom's dad who was an amazing father figure... But with all of that being said, I feel like everything that's going on between the two of us has made me realize that all of our times are short, but his time is even shorter. And as part of that catharsis, it's made me realize that I need to recommit to all the relationships in my life and make sure that the people who value the most to me know how much that I love them. Even those who ducked out of their responsibilities for the first 20 years of my life, I don't care. There's a great verse from the U2 song "Sometimes you can't make it on your own", which Bono wrote for his father... "I know that we don't talk I'm sick of it all Can - you - hear - me - when - I - Sing, you're the reason I sing You're the reason why the opera is in me Where are we now? I've got to let you know A house still doesn't make a homea Don't leave me here alone..." I am that child, pleading with him to stay and this stupid thing called mortality as if I was a murderer asking for another day just to see another sunrise, sparing me from the gallows of my memories. Because there will be a day, sooner than I will know, when I can't ask those questions anymore. We all get there, I know. But I get the feeling that he knows it even more so, and it's time to mend all of the fences and say all of the things before he goes silent. 6. Anyhow, enough of my rambling. The bottom line is that I've missed you guys, and I'm sorry that I have been woefully absent. I was even tagged in stuff and in my jackassery, I didn't respond... That is if you missed me, lol. But I also want each and everyone of you to know that I really do feel blessed that you have shared so many things about yourselves with me that help me get perspective on my own proverbial shit. And I want you to know how much I appreciate you all! Much love from the upper left-hand corner of the big rock, and I promise not to be so much of a stranger.

[greecechef4-blog]

South Coast Summer: Kiama, Gerroa and Berry

This post is brought to you by Visit NSW.

It's a fine day for a drive down to the South Coast of NSW. We feast on delicious toasties, rainbow bowls, halloumi donuts, do some wine tasting and pat alpacas and stay at a stunning converted "shed" while we sample the best that the South Coast of NSW has to offer!

Long time readers will know that I only recently got my license and my immediate environment means that I am more a city than a country driver. I am more comfortable in gridlock than on a highway. So when Mr NQN told me that he wouldn't be able to drive down to Kiama with me on the first day of our trip, I took a sharp intake of breath. It would be just me, on the road in a rental car driving to the south coast and he would join me that evening.

Luckily I had stops in the form of food breaks. One and a half hours into the drive I stop in Wollongong's Lower East Cafe. Located on Crown Street in Wollongong's CBD it is a very popular place with only a couple of tables free at lunch. Service is very friendly and easy going and nothing is too much trouble.

Stove top hot chocolate $6

It's a gorgeous sunny day but I'm feeling all about a hot chocolate-specifically their stove top salted caramel hot chocolate with almonds that comes with two toasted marshmallows. Can I just request that all hot chocolate marshmallows come toasted? They increase the appeal of a marshmallow a thousand times over.

Smoked Beef Brisket Toastie $13

It just happens to be national toastie day on the day of my visit so I feel like my choice for the beef brisket toastie was pre-ordained. It's a beauty-with plenty of soft, melting beef brisket, kimchi, cheddar cheese, onion jam, aioli and rocket on sourdough it's the sort of thing that you say you'll just eat half of - before of course demolishing it all. I also take a banana smoothie to go because I need sustenance for the road (honestly the way I carry on you'd think I was an athlete or drama queen or something).

It's just another 60 minutes (50 if you actually listen to the GPS and stop singing Bohemian Rhapsody long enough to pay attention to the directions) to my next stop in Gerroa. Blue Swimmer restaurant is a gorgeous little cottage housing a restaurant where Canadian born chef Lauren Brown makes use of the abundant local produce. I meet Karen for lunch.

Clyde River oysters $22 for 6

The Clyde River oysters are local and when she brings out the plate she tells us that the finger limes are just from across the road. They give the oysters a puckery pop.

Speck croquettes $9

I love croquettes and these come two to a serve. They're filled with parmesan cheese and speck and sit atop some spiced kasundi sauce. They actually sell this sauce as well as house made jams in the cafe too.

Crispy calamari $19

The crispy squid comes with a lovely cucumber, celery and dill salad, crunchy quinoa and a smear of spicy bomba, a spicy Calabrian red pepper spread. The breading on the squid remains crunchy which is good.

Smoked butternut pumpkin salad $23

But it's the smoked pumpkin salad that most wins my heart. With slices of house smoked local pumpkin it is served with crunchy pepitas, pumpkin seeds, feta, sweet onion puree as well as spiced lentils that give the dish heft.

Rocky Road $16

It's dessert time. The rocky road here is an upmarket version with chocolate pudding mousse, a house-made torched marshmallow, salted caramel ice cream and honeycomb. It's all sorts of textures in one and their recipe for this appears in the local Illawarra cookbook.

Halloumi Donuts $12

But hands down one of my favourite eats this whole weekend and a revelation are the halloumi donuts. The halloumi is grated in it and although you may think it would produce a chewy or squeaky texture, it is light as a feather in the same manner of ricotta. There is a squeeze of blueberry jam and a pot of creme anglaise accompanying the four cinnamon sugar rolled beauties. And Lauren kindly sent me the recipe for her halloumi donuts.

My next stop is our home for our South Coast stay. The Shed is a converted shed whose name belies the spacious and comfortable accommodation. For starters the views are immaculate - across Walker's Bay there is a row of pine trees that line up like soldiers across the horizon while the green rolling hills and blue skies giving both farm and water views.

The accommodation makes the most of the views from the enormous glass windows, five and a half metre ceilings and polished concrete floors with stylish soft furnishings.

There are three bedrooms here, two for adults and one for up to four children with four bunk beds and an enormous rumpus room complete with toys and costumes for dress ups. I mean being a kid nowadays has infinitely more options than it did in the 80s and 90s.

The main bedroom has a king bed and an ensuite. There's a claw foot bath in one corner (although oddly the plug doesn't fit the tub), snuggly robes and an open shower. There are also cute features like plenty of locker space.

Each bedroom has an oil heater and there's also one in the main lounge/kitchen. There's also a fireplace which I do my best to get started. My first fire lasts a total of 10 minutes before being reduced to billows of smoke and ashes.

My second fire is more successful thankfully (I believe a lot of it is about log placement). There is no wifi (it is TBA) and it isn't the sort of place for a luxurious sleep in as the sun powers through the curtains very early in the morning.

That evening Mr NQN arrives and we take the drive to Kiama to check out a new restaurant Silica. During the day there are gorgeous views of the beach although at night you can't really see them.

Upstairs is a bit more atmospheric than downstairs. It also happens to be pasta night tonight so we try a dish from the menu. Silica is owned by chef Luke Basic and John Cappellin. Some of the menu's produce is grown on their own plot at Dapto Community Farm.

Sydney rock oysters $3each

We share half a dozen oysters, 3 natural and 3 topped with chorizo, eschallot and sherry vinegar. They're both good and I like the fact that the chorizo ones are raw oysters still underneath.

Kingfish sashimi $16

The kingfish sashimi is served with lime segments, kewpie, togarashi and fennel and it's spicy fresh.

Pappardelle $35 (part of pasta menu with glass of wine and dessert)

The pappardelle comes with a soft braised pork belly ragu with pangritata and basil which is generous with ragu and soft, melting meat. I like my pasta a bit more al dente. They serve the pappardelle with a fantastic Serra Vista Shiraz Cabernet 2016.

Braised free range chicken $29

I rarely order chicken when out but this was my favourite dish of the night. It's braised free range chicken with swede, sage, pine nuts, sultanas, pickled kohlrabi with a rich stock.

Fried Potato Skins $5

The fried potato skins are from the pasta night menu. They come out as an enormous serve, super crispy and spiced.

Honey & thyme roasted beetroot $9

We both really enjoy the sweet roasted beetroot with torn buffalo mozzarella, toasted almonds and dill. This too comes out as a generous portion.

Yoghurt panna cotta $10

The yogurt panna cotta is so wobbly it's amazing that it managed to be plated. It is served with rhubarb and crunchy burnt honey oats.

The next morning we head off for breakfast and wine tasting in Berry. Queen Street Eatery is a relatively new place that specialises in more lunch and dinner. The offering is mainly French and there is a new outside terrace area.

French toast $16

There is an all day breakfast with a gorgeous French toast with a choice of either bacon and maple syrup or seasonal fruit and cream. We go for the bacon and maple syrup. The thick slab of brioche bread is wonderfully buttery and there is a generous amount of bacon. The maple syrup used is no ordinary maple syrup, it's a barrel aged maple syrup by Canadian brand Noble and is deliciously thick and syrupy.

Local croissant with house cured ocean trout $13

There are three different fillings for the croissant on offer and we go for the house cured ocean trout with pickled onion, creme fraiche and bronzed fennel with pumpkin seeds. We pair it with a mimosa because it feels like a Saturday with the sun shining down and we are sitting in the light filled window.

Tuna tartare $24

As we are there at the time of the brunch/lunch crossover, we also try a few of their lunch offerings. The tuna tartare is a starter with a generous amount of chopped, raw tuna with a creamy celeriac remoulade, cured egg yolk grated on top and crispy pommes gaufrettes that we scoop the tuna on top of.

Potato Beignets $19

The light as air potato beignets are actually a vegan dish - the chef is vegan and this is packed full of flavour from the rouille and charred leek with creamy vegan sauce.

Heirloom beetroots $16

Another lunch time standout dish is the heirloom beetroots with oven roasted, pickled and raw target, pink and yellow beetroots on fluffy goats curd with a crunchy toasted walnut crumb.

Our next stop is a wine tasting at Silos Estate. Here former CEO turned winemaker Rajarshi Ray and litigator wife Sophie own a winery with a difference. "I'm a capitalist with a social agenda," Raj says.

After working 100 hour weeks in the financial sector all around the world they decided to settle in Berry and produce wine. Raj is passionate and engaging and you can see how his practical decision making has informed the farm's offering. There is an electric car charging station, they are carbon neutral and fully solar powered and the choice of alpaca is an environmental one.

Yet most of the money that the winery makes through their wines actually goes back to charity. They support three charities: an overseas landmine charity, a domestic violence charity and an animal charity. I ask him what percentage of profits will go to charity and he answers laughing, "About 150%".

The $5 fee for the wine tasting gets everyone a cork and the customer puts the cork into the jar for the charity they want to support. Afterwards each cork contributes $5 to that particular charity.

The actual wine is fantastic, especially the 2017 Rose and the Sauvignon Blanc. Berry is not seen as a place that can grow Sauvignon Blanc grapes but on the property they have a 2-3 acre island that is cool enough to grow Sauvignon Blanc grapes.

They bottle under two labels: Silos which is made using grapes grown on the property and Wiley's Creek where grapes are grown in other areas. And we have one final treat while here: feeding the alpacas. And if you fall in love with these gorgeous creatures you can also buy them from Silos!

Late lunch is back at Kiama at Penny Whistler's a new cafe with a stunning view of the water and super friendly service. In the near distance we see a pod of dolphins swimming.

Iced Tea $5 and Banana & Peanut Butter smoothie $8.50

We start with drinks. I go for an Egyptian iced tea which is a house made sparkling iced tea with hibiscus, rose and blueberries. It tastes like Turkish delight mixed with berries and is very refreshing. Mr NQN's pick is the banana and peanut butter smoothie which is made with organic almond milk, banana, peanut butter, LSA and honey. It's got just the right amount of peanut butter and sweetness and the almond milk tastes just like regular.

The Tostada Bowl $18

For lunch we went for two bowls. The tostada bowl is a colourful bowl with smoked sweet corn, black bean & tomato salsa, crushed avocado, steamed brown rice, grilled chicken, chipotle sour cream and jalapeños on a crispy corn tortilla. It's a great mix of flavours and textures and Mr NQN makes quick work of this. You really wouldn't believe that he has already eaten breakfast and lunch already.

The Bird Bowl $16.50

I rarely find a green bowl that I like because I'm not that healthy eater that enjoys being punished over breakfast but the waiter that sold it to me on the fact that he too was not a healthy eater (we have to stick together). It's crispy kale, dukkah coated avocado half, steamed brown rice, beetroot relish, sprouts, heirloom tomatoes, snow peas, cucumber rounds, Japanese seaweed salad, pickled carrot and green goddess dressing. You can add halloumi, eggs, smoked salmon but we had it as it was and it was actually really good. I feel like the key to these bowls is to not make it too virtuous.

Lemon & Almond Cake $9 and Passionfruit Curd Cheesecake $8

We can't resist and order a couple of cakes. The passionfruit curd cheesecake is creamy and moreish with a lovely biscuit base and a blanket of passionfruit curd on top. I especially liked it with the Greek yogurt and lemon curd that came with the cake below. The lemon almond cake is moist in texture and topped with flaked almonds. It's judiciously served with a generous dollop of natural yoghurt and lemon curd.

And then it's onto our next destination!

So tell me Dear Reader, are you usually the driver or a passenger during road trips? Do you have any tips for building fires in a fireplace? Have you ever fed or pet an alpaca?

NQN and Mr NQN were guests of Visit NSW but all opinions remain her own.

Lower East Cafe

70 Crown St, Wollongong NSW 2500 Monday closed Tuesday to Saturday 7am–2:30pm Sunday 8am–12pm Phone: (02) 4226 9922 Menu: lowereastcafe.com.au

Blue Swimmer restaurant

19 Riverleigh Ave, Gerroa NSW 2534 Monday to Thursday, Sunday 7am–3pm Friday & Saturday 7am–3pm, 5:30–10pm theblueswimmer.com.au Phone: (02) 4234 3796

The Shed, Gerroa

theshedgerroa.com/

Silica

72 Manning St, Kiama NSW 2533 Monday & Tueday 8am–3pm Wednesday & Thursday 11am–9pm Friday 11am–10pm Saturday 8am–10pm Sunday 8am–9pm Phone: (02) 4233 0572 silicakiama.com.au

Queen Street Eatery

1/65 Queen St, Berry NSW 2535 Monday to Wednesday, Friday 7:30–11am Thursday 7:30–11am, 6–11pm Saturday 8am–11pm Sunday 8am–3pm Phone: (02) 4464 2544 queensteatery.com.au

Silos Estate

B640 Princes Hwy, Berry NSW 2535 Open 7 days 11am–5pm Phone: (02) 4448 6082 silosestate.com/

Penny Whistler's Cafe

5/31 Shoalhaven St, Kiama NSW 2533 Monday to Wednesday, Sunday 7am–4pm Thursday to Saturday 7am–10pm Phone: (02) 4233 2770 pennywhistlers.com.au

Source: http://www.notquitenigella.com/2018/11/06/kiama-gerroa-berry-south-coast/

[shannrussell-blog1]

As someone who has travelled more to Asia and North America, I was quite naive about the city of Berlin. But, I was travelling around Europe and figured I’d work out what the German capital had to offer when I arrived. I actually thought it was more exciting that way, rather than building up expectations of what it would be like.

Honestly, I was expecting a more cliché German experience… people walking the streets in their Lederhosen, currywurst on every corner and streets lined with old timber-styled houses… oh, and some of the ‘Wall’. Let’s just say, I was right about the wall.

It turns out that it has an alternative, underground and very modern side to it – so it was far from what I expected. So, based on my trip to Germany’s capital, I’ve put together some of my best tips and advice on what I think you need to know before you visit Berlin.

Berlin is a dynamic and modern city, so it may not be what you expect. 

When’s the best time to visit Berlin?

I visited Berlin in July, their summer, where temperatures range between 20-24° on most days – perfect weather if you ask me. Warmer weather means packing lighter and I find it’s more comfortable to spend time outside in. The upside to travelling in the cooler months is that there are fewer lines, but I personally love the European summer – plus, it’s a great escape from our Australian winter.

Europe in summer is a great time to visit, as you don’t have to take us much gear with you. 

How to choose a hotel in Berlin

I always book accommodation based on the hop on/ hop off bus route and if there is a supermarket or a convenience store close by. As a mostly solo traveller, this helps me feel comfortable that I’m in a fairly populated area where I can get my bearings about the city easily. Plus, it’s a great bonus to grab meals and snacks (if need be) from the supermarket.

Arriving at my hotel, I was very impressed. The hotel I booked, located in Mitte, was a luxurious hotel complete with an indoor pool and spa services. This hotel was the most affordable accommodation I stayed in Europe actually and I had stayed in less comfortable places, including a hostel for a higher cost. And, it had air conditioning!

Logging onto the free WI-FI in my room, I worked out pretty quickly that Checkpoint Charlie is the must-see landmark in Berlin – fortunately, it was only one train ride away.

A great tip is to pick a hotel where there are stores nearby.

Transport in Berlin

After finding my way to the train station or otherwise known as the S-Bahn, and working out which platform to stand at, I purchased a daily ticket on my way to CheckPoint Charlie from the ticket machine with euros (coins).

This type of ticket can be also be used on the U-Bahn, buses, trams and ferries too, as much as you like for the day. It’s also quite affordable at just €7.70 Euros max (less if you’re travelling to fewer zones around the city).

Public transport is a great and affordable way to see the city.

A daily ticket is valid up until 3 am on the day you purchase it, which means you can go a few hours past midnight if you’re out late. If you’re not sure about your travels, one-way tickets are available for less and children under 14 years get it cheaper. More info can be found here.

The one thing to remember with transport in Berlin is that you must validate your ticket. In my case, this was a separate machine on the platform (not on the train).

Ticket purchasing is not as strictly monitored in Berlin as in New York or London, so unless you want to take the risk and travel without a ticket, or get caught with one that hasn’t been validated, you may be sprung with a fine from an officer on board.

Make sure that you always validate your ticket, so you don’t get caught out with a fine!

Checkpoint Charlie

Leaving the train station, it was just a hop, skip and an intersection away to Checkpoint Charlie. If you have no idea what this place is about (like how I felt) as a brief idea, it was the best-known crossing point between East and West Germany during the Cold War.

Today, Checkpoint Charlie has actors dressing up in fake uniforms of the traditional border guards to represent what the checkpoint would have been like back in the day. With multiple souvenir shops, a Checkpoint Charlie museum, and a McDonalds close by, it’s now a focal point in Berlin for tourists.

Stopping in for a cheeseburger, I watched out the window at people getting their photos taken. It’s one way to think of Checkpoint Charlie these days as an entertaining way to learn about the history of the wall, which I must say I was sucked into at first. However, on the flip side, realistically this place was a cold and heavily guarded area laden with sharp barbed wire. A lot of people lost their lives here trying to escape, which makes you think twice when you are there.

Checkpoint Charlie is a point of historical significance during the Cold War. 

Travelling around Berlin

Next up, I stepped onto a Hop On Hop Off Bus (City Circle Sightseeing), which at this particular stop took me along the yellow line (the East line), while the purple line (the West line) was a few more stops away to get onto. There are multiple sightseeing buses in Berlin to choose from, which you can buy tickets for from the bus stop or souvenir shops close by.

Most cities will normally have one main centre but because of the wall dividing the city, it can be assumed that there are three in Berlin (one each originally for the East and West and one established after the wall collapse). But, by the end of my stay, I had discovered there were in fact 6 districts all offering a unique experience about the city.

I could easily get a feel for Berlin by hopping on one of the circle sightseeing buses. 

For the rest of the day and over the next few of my stay, my perception of Berlin changed immensely. My assumption of Berlin was that it would be an old worldly German town. But I discovered that it really is an extremely modern international city – especially because it was mostly redeveloped after World War II.

If you’re thinking about travelling to Berlin and are overwhelmed with all there is to experience, here are some of my tips to help you work out what you might like to do (and not do).

Things to do and places to visit

The Berlin Wall – The East Side Gallery

Don’t expect to see a lot of the Berlin wall when you’re there. There are pieces that are still standing – especially at the Berlin Wall Memorial along Bernauer Strasse. There’s a small piece close to Checkpoint Charlie and at the East Side Gallery which has a chunk of the wall now consisting of post-wall collapse painted murals along it.

There are only a few chunks of the wall remaining around Berlin. This is because not long after the announcement that the wall could come down, Berliners chipped and chiselled pieces of concrete away themselves – they weren’t waiting another minute to stay divided!

You can buy broken down remains of the wall from souvenir shops in different sizes and markings on them. These pieces aren’t cheap but they do come with confirmation that they are a certified piece of the original wall. There is talk that this ‘concrete evidence’ isn’t legit though (excuse the pun), but if you are a collector, a piece still represents this tragic time in German history.

A small section of the Berlin wall can be found near Checkpoint Charlie. 

Memorials

There are stacks of memorials around the city you can visit, particularly on museum island. I was a bit overwhelmed with the choice, but I did visit a panoramic creation showing the two sides of Berlin in the 80s. Although simple, I found it captivating and very emotional. You can learn more about it here.

Do expect to be disoriented at the Holocaust memorial. It was controversially designed that way by the architect to resemble a disconnect from human life. It can be described as a massive concrete graveyard. Although the tombs are nameless, this giant installation is still a sacred place so do keep being respectful in mind here.

Take note of the buildings around the city that were bombed during World War II, like the damage on Berlin’s most famous landmark – the Kaiser Wilhelm Memorial Church. Still standing after being bombed in 1943, it has been left as is to represent the destruction of war and as a symbol of Berlin’s determination to rebuild.

Remaining sections of the Berlin Wall is definitely a must-see when you’re visiting.

Flea market at Mauerpark

I really enjoyed visiting the markets on a Sunday at the Mauerpark flea market. It’s a great place to soak up the sunshine, eat foods from around the globe, shop for anything from jewellery to music records to kitchen appliances while listening to the buskers performing different kinds of music.

Check out the flea market at Mauerpark.

The Brandenburg Gate

The Brandenburg is one of the most iconic monuments in Berlin, and in Germany in general. It has a lot of historical significance dating back to the 18th Century and most recently is seen as a symbol of peace and unity in Germany and Europe. I didn’t get the chance to visit it when I was there, but you might want to check it out if it interests you.

The Brandenburg Gate is a big tourist destination. Image by Welcome to Berlin.

What else do you need to know about visiting Berlin?

Tips for the airport in Berlin

Always check your flight before you leave for the airport, particularly if you are using the free WI-Fi as my flight was cancelled on the way to the airport. I was able to organise another flight when I arrived but had to wait around for hours. Apparently, flight cancellations are quite common in Berlin.

Also, don’t forget to check which airport you’re flying into and out of. There are two of them, so this is very important, especially if you are planning your public transport journey around them.

When travelling to Berlin, double check which airport you’ll be flying in and out of. 

Do I need to learn German for my visit?

You can expect that a lot of younger people (roughly under 35 years) speak English fairly well because it was a huge focus in school. But, I’d recommend learning some German, such as basic greetings and other conversational phrases to help you along. It shows a lot of respect for the culture.

Is Berlin an affordable city to visit?

The whole city really is actually quite affordable. I found public transport, food and accommodation were all very reasonably priced which isn’t what I expected. However, the exception here would be the souvenir shops, as they were still quite pricey!

Considering it’s in Europe, you would be surprised to know that Berlin isn’t very expensive. 

Shopping in Berlin

If you’re only there for a short period of time and you want to do some shopping then KaDeWe is a great place to start. This is a huge department store located on a major shopping street called Tauentzienstraße. This is near the centre of the former West Berlin.

Also, if like me you like to grab a few things from the supermarket to save some cash eating out – just know that supermarket operators won’t pack your bags for you. They often rush everything across the line so be prepared to pack quickly, particularly if it’s busy. Stores close earlier on Sundays at 4 pm (and some are not open at all) despite Berlin being a cosmopolitan city.

Even though it’s not as common to see around, try on the German attire when you’re there. The traditional dress for women is called a dirndl. I found many different styles at a mall in Alexanderplatz. As they are not a costume and an elegant piece of clothing, they aren’t cheap. So keep that in mind if you were thinking of picking one up as a souvenir.

You might want to try on the traditional German dress called a dirndl. 

Do I need to carry cash or should I use a credit card in Berlin?

During my stay, I mostly paid for everything in cash (euros) as that’s my personal preference but you can use cards if you wish. If you’re concerned about card security, another thing to note that is if you’re catching ubers, you can link to your PayPal account for added protection.

I will say that you should avoid bringing large euro notes – especially notes over 50 euros. Berliners are friendly, but they are also cautious about tourists with large bills. I was asked multiple times if I had a smaller note when only buying a few bits and pieces. This was hard when I didn’t, but most challenging when people asked me this question in German!

Supermarkets are a great place to try local delicacies without having to spend a lot. 

What food should I eat in Berlin?

One of the most common fast foods I tried in Berlin was currywurst. This is a dish that consists of a boiled sausage, that’s cut up, topped off with a curry ketchup and served with a side of fries or a bread roll. It’s only a few euros and great for a snack on the go. You can’t go to Berlin without trying one!

You should also try an assortment of meats, cheeses, bread and chocolate when you’re there – so delicious! I’d also say that you should give the non-German cuisine a fair go when you’re in Berlin.

There are lots of multicultural restaurants such as Greek, Turkish, Thai, Indian and Spanish food available. Whatever cuisine you choose, you will not be disappointed as Berlin is known for its incredible food. Something that I wasn’t expecting.

Currywurst is a German dish that you’ve got to try if visiting Berlin!

Public transport – Ubers, Taxis and Buses

I’d recommend using Ubers, as I found them to be a convenient and easy way to get around. I will say that I would avoid using taxis if travelling around Berlin. This is because there are other public transport options available that are much more affordable.

You can also use the hop/on hop off buses and public transport, but just be aware of the operating times.

There are several transport options in Berlin, but public transport is arguably the best choice.

Using public restrooms

What you might not know is that you need pay to use the toilets in certain public bathrooms, so you should try to always carry coins. Though if you don’t have any on you, there will likely be a coin machine next to the bathroom if you only have notes. It costs roughly around 25 to 50 cents to enter the bathroom.

This is pretty common practice in Europe, but you won’t have to pay in malls or most restaurants.

Travel essentials to take for Berlin

Take a collapsible drink bottle with you as this saves space and means you don’t have to buy bottled water

Shoulder bag or crossbody bag – a backpack is convenient, but it will make you look like a tourist and you won’t be able to see it when you’re carrying it so I prefer crossbody style as a better option.

Travel wallet with RFID protection – I recently had my card information scanned and stolen at home, so if it can happen in your daily life – it could definitely happen on holiday! You can also get a credit card sleeve which I’d recommend for day-to-day use.

Caribee Sky Master – this is a great luggage option as it can be wheeled or carried as a backpack which is ideal when travelling – especially through train stations with stairs.

Scrubba Wash Bag – this saved me money and time going to laundromats, plus it helped separate my dirty laundry from my clean.

Travel clothesline – take one with suction caps as you can then easily hang it up in your hotel bathroom.

Laundry detergent – I personally choose a concentrated travel version to save on space and weight.

If you don’t know much about the city itself, Berlin may surprise you.

My final thoughts on Berlin

While I found Berlin to be a dynamic city, I was surprised by what I found. I didn’t know much about it before my visit, so I was quite surprised how young and international Berlin is.

If you’ve always wanted to visit Berlin – then it’s definitely worth ticking off your bucket list on your trip to Europe, so that you can see what it has to offer for yourself.

  Have you ever visited a city that wasn’t what you expected? Let us know in the comments. 

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