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seb-owns-these-tatas · 3 years ago

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7th Dimension (Chapter 4.1)

7TH DIMENSION SYNOPSIS/MASTERLIST

PREVIOUSLY ON CHAPTER 4

WATTPAD LINK FOR 7TH DIMENSION

Characters: Gojo Satoru x Small!Naive!Fem!Foreign!Reader | THIS IS A MULTI-CHAPTER FIC. THIS IS AN X READER FANFIC WHO HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO THE DIMENSION OF JUJUTSU KAISEN | (Trust me, you'll live. I hope?)

Summary: (PART 1) Slipping out of the hands of Gojo Satoru has been an intentional deed for the Strongest Jujutsu Sorcerer. Thus, he decided to let you have your own type of fun before you could even get to see his face again because deep down, he knew you would come back around especially that your existence required the help of Satoru in order for you to live in their world.

Warnings: None. This is kind of a filler chapter before the action starts for Part 2? Kinda?

Tell me if you want to be tagged whenever I publish chapters for 7th Dimension! Send an ask or message me!

A/N: I've literally written all day yesterday from 12 noon to 10 pm just to finish one chapter for 7th Dimension because of my love for Satoru---Do I need help? 😅🤣😋🥰

COMMENTS AND REBLOGS ARE SUPER-DUPER HIGHLY APPRECIATED! IT GIVES ME SUCH MOTIVATION AND INSPO!

Words: 2.5k+ (Chapter 4.2 will have 7k+)

Disclaimer: PNG's or pictures used in edits are not mine even the GIF's too. I only own the plot of this whole fanfic. But, not Jujutsu Kaisen's storyline. I apologize for the typos or grammatical errors by the way! English isn't my first language so I'm so sorry in advance! Character development and personalities are based from my understanding and how I want them to be.

WHETHER IT WAS THE HOUR OF COCKCROW, one-two-double-O or the dead of the night, curses held no peripheries or restrictions to show themselves to those who had the ability to see. Jujutsu Sorcerers or Mirrors. Those who were capable to believe that the world they step on was of a fiendish actuality of how much more atrocities were kept to those who cannot. These curses, they were bound to be encountered at any time of the day. There were no limitations whether they were parading around. In sooth, it was much better to exorcise curses during the hours of darkness when people wouldn't have a gabfest of how their world really worked.

How crimes, unexplained deaths of the people and disappearances out in Japan were also one of the reasons why these so called Curse Spirits exists, manifested from so called cursed energy as a result of the negative emotions that flow out of humans. Abhorrence, wrath, envy, despondency, rapacity, consternation and multifarious negativity that humans experience each day. Hence, which is why Jujutsu Sorcerers thrive and survive in the middle of it all.

Non-Sorcerers perceive nothing but their invisibility. The chances for them to discern one was the fortuitous way of being put into jeopardy, a life or death situation.

You were adamant over bearing your surmises that this was your world. Your sole dimension. It might be difficult to imagine so, however to Gojo it was an irrefutable verity. He encountered it, lived minutes through another parallel dimension that he never imagined to exist.

Will it be better for him to put you on the line of peril to coax you into their beliefs and temporal concerns?

If he were in a puckish mood, there was no doubt that Gojo Satoru would carelessly do and let nature surprise you for what their world awaits you in.

He could do just that to keep him from chasing you around like you were some Special Grade Cursed Spirit or Curse-User. The Strongest Jujutsu Sorcerer could also have his own choice of fun especially that he was out and about in chasing a bolshie woman whose trust was knackering to his impatience.

"She might be in a sketchy town in Tokyo now where curses parade," Megumi proclaimed, walking side by side with his classmates and guru under the dullness of a nocturnal time.

There was no other sound besides the clomps of their footsteps drumming in patters on cemented pavement. Gojo Satoru had his hands inside his pockets, unconcerned by your whereabouts because he already sensed where you were without him even taking a second guess. "Hm. I suppose so." he casually added, a small smile lifting his lips when you were too gullible of how Tokyo's streets worked.

You were going around circles and have been diddled out of a curse's wit from an abandoned street out in the north side of Hatagaya, tricking you in the process of your temporary flee from the Jujutsu Sorcerers of Tokyo Jujutsu High.

Satoru gave a nonchalant hum, entirely untroubled by your sudden encounter of the hazards of a curse, knowing that it would be child's play for him that he didn't need to even bat an eyelid, "Let the girl explore a little bit of Tokyo. She isn't that far yet. Tiny-chan's just around the corner,"

Yuji heard the unusual sobriquet from his Sensei, pondering over the thought, "Tiny-chan?"

"Y/N-chan."

His student languidly nodded to himself, his mouth pursed whilst musing. The first year student was probably also thinking of his own epithet for you just like how his Sensei did. This shows just how the juvenile defied Gojo Satoru by his absolute strength, knowledge and presence alone, "Ah. Eigo-San. Is she from a clan of any families?"

Eigo-San? Satoru turned to give him a glance in query, pulling a face of curiosity as Itadori mentioned. Though, he simply pushed the question away as he shrugged and answered, "No clan. Definitely just normal and unidentified who does not possess any kind of abilities. She does not even have the ability to see curses---," Gojo paused a second to think and revoked the idea of you not being able to see curses because there might actually have a chance, if he acted towards how he wanted over the results of your unsought getaway, "---I think."

"Then why make her stay around Tokyo Jujutsu High?" Nobara suddenly affixed some questions to the conversation of the three males she were with.

"Ah. It's to annoy the higher ups even more," Their Sensei nonchalantly added as a matter of fact, spraining his neck behind as the female student was keeping a steady, laggard pace like she had other plans rather than being in pursuit for the unidentified, foreign, non-sorcerer that Gojo needed to follow around. He gave a wide berth to his statement, keeping them out of what he was really bargaining for during your stay within their presence.

"She's an unspecified human. Nobody knows why she was bizarrely sent here along why she's here or what her purposes are," Megumi sounded like he couldn't-care-less, slipping his phone back in his pocket after scrolling for a minute or two, his expressions vacant as he carried on, "---She has no identity or any social media. They're all identical names but dissimilar physical features."

Satoru gave a smile, it wasn't like he hadn't already tried the idea as well---searching and knowing who you were that is. Upon hearing the claims of Shoko Ierie, he gave it a doubt and perhaps went through the internet in terms of pinpointing at least someone who had the same name and surname---discovering these people who had a carbon-copy of your denomination had different features.

"You really went all the way out in search for her, Megumi-kun? Aren't you just mad she called you a 'Sea Urchin' ? " Gojo gave a tamed teasing to his student, earning an irritated huff of Megumi's breath.

"Tch."

The teacher left it at that. Megumi instantly felt that Gojo's answer was an abridged details of information about you, leaving his student dwelling as to why he was keeping you off the record. He looked fixatedly at Gojo, unconvinced by what he heard because the Sensei was never one to beat around the bushes.

To Gojo's perspective, they didn't need to get involved. He didn't want his students to dwell on a future that would be a source of pandemonium for the fortune or better yet, doom. He didn't want them chewing down their nails for what you really knew whether it was star-crossed or providential. All they needed was to hone their skills to the fullest, raise them to their absolute potential as that was why he was there for them and also to keep themselves stable with a tough relationship for each other.

Gojo Satoru wasn't one to keep their youth's off them as they deliberate for a future sought that you had for them. Therefore, it was much better that the issue was kept between the two of you and for those who he knew would be unconcerned for such future. Probably, the adults.

The youngsters were out of bounds for this.

The Hatagaya Abandoned Street Curse was nearby, specifically in your range of sight. Gojo slightly lifted his chin, hastily discerning the indicators of the curse with a smile, "Megumi! Yuji! Kugisaki! You know what to do!" He suddenly mentioned to break Megumi out of his sudden contemplation, puzzled about on why Fushiguro was reckoning and appeared to be like he wasn't convinced. The intonation of call to his students, how they familiarized the simple blithe of tone like it wasn't one to be taken seriously.

They knew it was playtime from the moment they've stopped at the abandoned street's arc that stood before them, formulated with the colors of sable, sallow and wan. You were still mid-way far from where they remained. The energy of the curse---it's barrier tangible once trespassed. There was at least two or three cursed spirits lingering around. But, it was nothing that Gojo's student's couldn't handle.

Upon hearing that, Nobara couldn't help but sigh in disappointment. "Ugh, seriously. I knew we were brought here for a reason. That foreign girl was just a distraction."

"Understood, Gojo-Sensei!" Yuji bubbly saluted, responding in high spirits. Sukuna's Vessel began to stretch in place, getting geared up for another training or mission that was outlined for them. Commonly into oppugnant frame of minds would be Megumi, the first year student resumed to his passive spirits.

"Kon." Or rather, Divine Dog: Totality. Megumi raised his hands and clasped both together to form his hand signal, summoning down beside him was his improved version of the Stygian Divine Dog Shikigami which inherited the power of the fallen Ivory Divine Dog.

It's body mapped out with its sable fur, limbs and jaw outlined in the color of snow. His Shikigami dog released a cacophonous howl as it seated beside him. Unbeknownst to him, Yuji and Nobara was already reaching out for his Divine Dog and gave it loving scratches behind its ears, enthusiastically patting his Shikigami dog to his diverted attention towards his Sensei.

The Shikigami User was acting that way because of the fact that Gojo made a beeline for the opposite direction, away from the abandoned street like he had somewhere to go. Igniting a scowl from Fushiguro as he got a load of Satoru's broad back, strolling through a distance.

Was his Sensei really giving your act of stubbornness to their responsibilities?

"I forgot to buy more mochis', " Gojo felt Megumi was throwing knives on his back---glares to be specific. He'd raised a hand, the other kept inside his pocket where his long, solid fingers were aimlessly toying over your cellphone that has miraculously been saved from the car-crash you've unfortunately experienced. He waved his hand back at Fushiguro, tone of voice all buoyant as he cheered.

"---I believe in you, guys!"

Gojo was taking leisurely steps, not being far enough from his students when he heard Megumi coherently mumble a protest, Yuji and Nobara went on in giving more attention to his Shikigami Dog rather than the whole hand over of guardianship, "Is that even more important right now? You're the one who decided to bring her around."

"It's one of the best mochis I've ever tasted! You can't blame me, Megumi!" Anonymous to their line of sight, Gojo snickered with a beam, not bothering to give his students a glance to check where they were at because he heard Yuji start to take a run for it, trespassing over the arc where esplanades of curses awaits for them as he teased Megumi that he was bellyaching about the mission and actually being slothful, "---I'll catch up!"

For the Strongest Jujutsu Sorcerer, there was no harm in probing through people's belongings especially that you knew something of him. You probably held something from them---from him. In all likelihood, People he knew that part of his past were well-accustomed to his renowned history in the world of the Jujutsu Society. To the fact that you had them proficiently delineated to what indeed happened back then.

Great. A password is needed. Gojo thought to himself as your phone lit up to a plain design of a lock-screen wallpaper. The kind of screensavers that people initially see as if it was just newly bought from the store. Those default kinds. Women were bound to be creative with their wallpapers in Satoru's point of view. He expected more, such as cute ones till the ticky-tackies or even to the point of having another half's photo as one.

Surprisingly, there was none. You had no one. No other half. No boyfriend. No lover.

In the midst of wandering through the night all by himself, Gojo was senselessly guessing numbers from left to right. The portrayal of a man who considers himself 'invincible', constantly gaining no luck in opening a woman's phone because of one damned password.

The image was as priceless as it can be. Luckily, there was no one around to spit brickbats at him.

Gojo cautiously glanced left and right, steering clear of his students who were bound to get the task done if the curses weren't a pain in the ass. The Strongest Jujutsu Sorcerer carelessly sat on the edge of the pavements, not bothering if there were people to judge a white-haired, blindfolded man who had his face lit up from the brightness of your phone. Chances are a less than twenty because it was already the dead of the night, nor did he worry for their judgements. He actually did not care at all.

00|00|00. Satoru reached to the point of typing such digits. Thus, when he was met with a vibrate of your phone and it's system telling him that he had to wait for another two minutes made him breathe out in exasperation.

"Ah, For the tenth time already..." He exasperatedly grumbled out against the battle he had with your phone, incredulous that a single cellphone was giving him a difficult time. More than any Special Grade Cursed Spirit would give him because honestly it was more of a facile victory to him if he would go for what he was already conditioned with.

No mobile phone were to outsmart Gojo Satoru. He was not about to lose on one.

Gojo pursed his lips and took his time to dwell as he waited. The reality that you were unidentified made it harder because he had no information gained from your existence. He breathed evenly, betting on the odds on a number that only his companions knew. It wasn't possible. Satoru thought to himself, reluctant to type-in what he had in mind. You wouldn't get to the point of knowing that too, right? An abrupt guesstimate of numbers. Spontaneous or rather off-the-cuff. If Nanami was there with him, the guy would probably shake his head from even thinking it was possible---he would probably think he was just being vainglorious to even think of that.

His thick thumbs and slender fingers occupied all diameters of your mobile phone, the keypad being covered by his digits, an affirmation that he had sweeping fingers and hands that commended his skyscraping height. Your phone gave him the go-signal for another trial and with no second doubts nor did he wasted time---Gojo typed in a set of number that was certainly a shot in the dark.

12|07|89

Despite of being blindfolded and thinking that no one would ever leave him open-mouthed for a revelation that surely surprises him, Gojo blinked through the mask that covered his eyes, leaving his mind vacant for what the result of his wild-guesses were.

Your phone has been unlocked and had the same plain wallpaper just as your screensaver has been.

But, it opened to his own birth date.

Perhaps, you knew him more than how he predicted you were capable of.

CHAPTER 4.2 WILL BE UPDATED NEXT WEEK! FEEDBACKS ARE SO MUCH APPRECIATED!

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catgirlsandnicotine · 3 years ago

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When My Eating Disorder Stemmed

I posted a vent post last night and UH OH here we go again. Here is when it ALL STARTED for me.

It was about 4th grade for me. And, as much as I hate to admit it, kpop fueled me my eating disorder. It’s a requirement for kpop idols to me thinner, and in 4th + 5th grade, I wanted to be one. I started restricting.

At first I researched ( unhealthy ) diets and knew they were bad, but said “if I ever do it I’ll be healthy” ( I was literally 10 I was stupid I know ).

Then, I became orthorexic ( and maybe slightly anorexic ), honestly. I only recently made this discovery. I ate only salad and would restrict myself from greasy food or “bad” food. I remember being 10 years old, looking at the amount of sugar and fat in a food thinking about how is may have been too much.

I told my friends that I liked the feeling of hunger and I would skip meals. I told my mom I ate breakfast at school, which was a lie. Sound familiar ?

I had a little notebook and I wrote down a diet. I forgot it because it’s been years but it was like 300 calories one day, a fruit mono on another day, and a veggie mono on another. It went by the days of the week. It had super low calories on it and I never did the diet because I didn’t know how to count calories but I deff tried.

Until I stopped. I was young. I was too young. I was 10 years old. I was bored of counting calories and figured that my ideal body would come with time.

In like 6th grade, when I was now 12, I started hating myself again. I didn’t restrict though. However, a couple months before 7th grade is when I had an eating disorder. I can’t really say that I started lightly restricting myself again before it turned into a disorder - It just kinda . . . happened ? And it was anorexia.

It was triggered when I tried to put on jeans and they were tight. They were difficult to get around my legs and I could barely zip them. I cried about it for like 10 minutes. That’s what made me sick.

I don’t think that this time I will “get bored”. My eating disorder has progressed a lot and my body isn’t the only factor inducing it. I also want control. I also want cleanliness. I only feel clean when I haven’t eaten ( I don’t try to “eat clean” if this isn’t clear ). I hate the feeling of food on my teeth because my mouth feels used and dirty. I’m only happy when I’m empty. When I’m clean and skinny.

I fell deep and I’m not sure if I will ever be able to get out.

#ed #ed diet #vent #vent blog #ed vent #disordered eating tw #tw ed #tw ed behavior #tw ed talk #tw ed mention #tw ed thoughts #not pr0 just using tags #skip dinner get thinner

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mxbitters · 4 years ago

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would you happen to have any advice for someone who wants to wear mens clothing for the first time? I've always worn very feminine clothing because that's how I grew up I guess and I'm scared to change, but I know this is not who I am. In my head I am nb or something more on the male side but on the outside everyone sees me as girly girl. I also don't really know what to buy in mens stuff, everything is so different and I don't know how to fashion in mens. (also large chest issue I hate it sm)

hi!!! i’m so sorry i didn’t respond to this earlier, i had a lot of thoughts but very little energy but i’m in a little better of a spot for talking about this stuff, clothes are a very big aspect of how i identify myself so i get you!! here’s what’s helped me, and then i’ll get into like actually changing how you dress and stuff too!!

first of all, sizing:

this guide is like as old as time itself but i’ve found it’s super useful. i’ll go in order and sprinkle in what i know from experience.

pants wise, i have trouble finding my size as i think it’d be a 28 or 29 in men’s (don’t quote me on that i don’t even know) in men’s but honestly i’ve found that if you can’t find it in the men’s section, you can probably find something that works for you in the boy’s section. however i tend to stick to women’s pants usually just because it’s easier for me to navigate and we all know nobody can get my emo ass out of the black skinny jeans so i think it’s really just a taste thing. however, with men’s pants you might need a belt because gendered pants are definitely shaped differently, in my case men’s pants are usually super long for me so i end up having to pull them all the way like over my hips (and i have really high hips so like) so it ends up around my stomach so i usually need a belt in that case.

when it comes to shirts, i think the chart’s sizing is pretty accurate, however chest dysphoria is no joke and i get you with that. technically speaking i’m a men’s size small when it comes to shirts, but when it’s summer especially and i can’t bind all the time, it gets uncomfortable. so usually my strategy is i opt for a size or two up. i also tend to french tuck(ok thank tan france for that), try and wear button ups at work, and always go for vertical rather than horizontal stripes- all of these things can contribute to drawing attention away from the chest area, the vertical lines of both button ups and vertical stripes are really great for height dysphoria too; they draw the eye up.

i’ll bring up the obligatory thing about binding- it’s not everyone’s thing. and if you’re in an unsafe situation for that, i’m not going to encourage you go out and get one. however, if you do want to bind, remember:

- don’t bind with tape or try to make your own binder (i tried the tights thing before. it doesn’t work and also it hurts, BAD)

- if you want to get a binder, steer clear of am*zon (except for underworks), anything that says anything along the lines of “tomboy lesbian les,” anything off websites like wish, etc.

i took a screenshot of the average thing you’d see on am*zon. as you can see a lot of people try and capitalize on trans people especially. most of them, quite frankly, can hurt you a lot. my mom, meaning well, gave me a binder a friend was giving away off wish. it had clasps on the side and it wouldn’t even fit around me. if it has clasps, it’s bad news. dysphoria sucks, but when it comes to binding, you need to be able to breathe, it can’t be digging into you or restricting anything because there’s a lot of important shit in there and you don’t want to put yourself in danger. also, quite frankly, unsafe binding can make things like top surgery a lot more difficult to actually happen- you need to look out for your health.

- your best bets brand-wise are underworks (more medical based but effective) or even more so, gc2b, which is trans-owned. here’s gc2b’s sizing chart:

- also the standard lecture, don’t bind for over 8-10 hours, do NOT sleep in it, don’t do any heavy lifting or any sort of over-exertion of your body in it, for the love of all that is good PLEASE do not wear it when it’s super hot and most importantly, listen to your body. dysphoria is awful but breaking a rib just isn’t worth it.

okay off my tangent about binding, now to shoes :D so shoes are pretty straightforward from the guide but i’d note that men’s shoes will feel a lot more.. boxy. they’re not so bad when you get used to it, but my strategy is if it’s less comfortable, go for something classic looking and unisex, like converse, vans, combat boots, etc. because regardless of how they’re gendered, they give off the same vibe and nobody’s gonna notice or care how they’re gendered.

and socks and underwear, honestly you do not need to change those if you don’t feel like it, i generally go for like a boy short type thing but it’s really nobody’s business but your own so whatever floats your boat, y’know?

so when it comes to changing how you dress, i completely get that it’s intimidating. the way i went about it, i always sort of dressed in a similar way. i got into the emo subculture in 7th grade, more or less, and that’s when i started wearing band shirts and flannels and such. the flannels, converse, beanies, all those really helped me when i first started questioning my gender. my first few flannels were definitely, clearly from the women’s section; they’d be fitted a certain way, be almost glittery, etc. but when i found the right ones, i realized that that layering, that repping a band so that what i’m wearing is more about expressing the things i love instead of how i look, that changed my life. i find that that’s something that really helped me when starting to transition socially. it’s not about “passing” to the world because honestly that focus is not going to really change much except make you a lot more miserable. it’s more about experimentation, finding the things that make you happy, that spark some of that marie kondo joy, and that make you excited to get up and get dressed.

when i was doing my little middle school emo kid transition and later on my actual coming out, it was all about realizing that you don’t have to dive straight in, and you don’t need to do everything. just like you don’t have to listen to every band and wear every cliche accessory, you don’t have to jump into a completely unfamiliar section immediately if you’re not comfortable with that. maybe you can find button ups in the women’s sections, pair them with a good pair of pants or find a jacket or 12 that make you feel more comfortable walking down the street.

nowadays, i associate myself much more with the punk scene. i have a faux leather jacket i painted myself, it’s really brash and bold and most importantly i can walk around with it 100% proud of what i’m wearing and who i am. in that way, i refer to it as my battle armor. at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks about what you’re wearing. it doesn’t matter if it’s a shock to them. when you find your battle armor, you can do anything. you seem incredible, and no matter what anybody tells you, you deserve to feel that sort of pride in who you are and you deserve to be able to wear that on your sleeve (literally!).

if you need any more help, or i went off on the completely wrong tangent, please don’t hesitate to send another ask or message me, this was kind of cathartic to write and talk about so i hope this helped!! have a great night :) <3

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doinbetter · 4 years ago

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this is very personal so i completely understand if u don’t want to share!! but i know you have mentioned that you have struggled with an eating disorder in the past. so i’m wondering how you are doing and how you’ve sort of fixed ur eating habits and patterns and how they’ve changed to become more healthy? like have you struggled with binge eating or self control issues with food for example?

i’d like to open this w this is NOT a guide for how to manage an eating disorder & if anyone’s reading this that’s struggling with one, you should get help if you can. you’ll see that that’s hypocritical of me but I don't rly want anyone to go through what I’ve been through w it.

I’m definitely comfortable with sharing it, but this does get super personal lol so if u don't care to see this or if you’re gonna be a dick about it, i’d prefer if you didn’t read this all.

ok this is a rly long answer but i feel like it’s necessary to see the whole picture to understand where I’m at? I was about to be vague like...

“well its been ok for a few years now and it’s constantly on my mind, but that’s fine bc I can manage it by reducing negative influences and eating a balanced diet! :))) maybe I’ll get help when I’m older!!!:)))))”

but I’m giving my long answer. I wouldn’t want someone seeing this like “oh! she just eats healthy and it’s fine now!” I just can not minimize this and make it seem less important than it is. ED’s suck and fuck w your mental / physical health like nothing else.

My history with my ED:

I’ve actually been doing relatively well w/ the restricting aspect recently (as in for the past 3 years) barring what I call my “annual bad week.” the worst of the restricting happened first in 7th-8th grade, then in in spring & summer 2017. it usually flares up when my life gets out of balance in some way, like in 7th and 8th grade, 4 of my family members died, my mom was in the hospital, my dad wasn’t emotionally present and I was super insecure in general. junior year, i was in a really toxic friend group & in a REALLYYYY toxic / abusive relationship.

Regularly, it’s easier for me to force myself to eat than to stop myself from eating. This is why i’ve struggled to get down to a healthy weight since I gained like 40 lbs after my 2017 flare up. (sidenote: this is what people mean when they say heavily restricting isn’t effective for weight loss. I had been restricting for so long, that when I started eating more again, I just couldn’t stop. and now I’m actually overweight, when I started at a healthy weight. but that’s not the worst thing in the world. I’ve just been **slowly** losing that extra weight for the past 2 years in an effort to get to a healthy weight, but it’s so much more taxing when you’re trying to balance wanting to minimize the negative health impacts of being overweight, with not wanting to fall into your ed again.)

There are still some nights where I overeat, and yea I feel kinda guilty still, but I’m good at not punishing myself for it the next day. imo it’s so much healthier for me to accept being a bit overweight still and overeat sometimes, as long as I'm not quickly gaining or losing weight.

How I’ve been managing it without therapy (not recommended but I do what I gotta do):

Nowadays, I try to just eat a normal amount of what I’m craving when I’m craving it & to not worry about it, rather than making a big deal about it. and that’s good enough to prevent Major binge/restrict cycles from starting, which was my main issue between my main flare ups (like in 9th / 10th grade). Even if I wasn’t quickly losing a ton of weight, I’d binge eat and then restrict bc I felt guilty, until i binge ate again, then i’d restrict again, & I tied my worth/confidence to what I was eating.

My body image has also improved a lot as i’ve gotten older, and my weight has regulated now that I’m not in a relationship. i’ve been in some unhealthy friend groups & relationships, but now that i’m not in those situations, my habits are a lot healthier.

until I’m able to get formal help for it, I’m just trying to live the most balanced lifestyle possible- which includes choosing healthy relationships, not getting too stressed/ leaving stressful situations, getting the right amount of exercise, sleeping plenty, and being mindful about food without letting it control my emotions.

therapy thoughts:

i haven’t gotten help for it yet, but really I should and want to. it’s mostly just money holding me back, bc I don't want to approach my parents with it to get help paying for it. there are reasons that I don’t want them to know, and I’m not sure they even really “believe” in therapy anyways bc I asked for it junior year and they didn’t think I needed it. unfortunately, they’re still the generation that thinks you only need therapy if things are Really Visibly Bad, and things never got visibly bad for me- I’ve always looked healthy.

My actual health / life hasn’t been at risk in recent years, but I do trust myself to know when I’m getting junior-year-level bad again. It’s definitely on my mind, but luckily I’m able to manage it so that it doesn’t physically manifest.

But I definitely want to see a professional ASAP, and definitely before I have children of my own, because a lot of my disordered tendencies can be tied directly to my mom. it has become painfully obvious that she’s always had a bad body image and unhealthy eating habits, and she passed a lot of that onto me by a) not setting a good example, but more importantly b) by congratulating me when I lost noticeable weight (even tho I was always at a healthy weight & had no need to lose weight in the first place) and by condemning me and humiliating me when I gained weight.

#ask #ed #ed tw #personal #tw

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mistymark · 5 years ago

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nct dream x hogwarts

nct dream as hogwarts students // 2.3k words // masterlist // send requests here

r e n j u n

the only slytherin in the gang

probably muggle-born but also top of most of his classes

what can he say hes amazed by this shit

really good at theory-based subjects especially

history of magic is his bitch lets be real

sketches in his books and stuff

says he likes sketching with quills the most because theyre more aesthetic

donghyuck says its because hes pretentious

but the whole group pitched in to get him some really nice canvases and paints and other tools

one of his paintings is hanging in the school somewhere, and the little girl in it smiles and greets all the students as they walk past

somehow she always tries to spit on people who had been annoying him recently - and them only

sometimes she spits on Donghyuck for no reason

jeno laughs and says its because she has a crush on him

uses magic for the dumbest things just because he can

he mastered the wingardium leviosa spell within a week because he couldn't be bothered getting up to get things

when he gets close to graduation, hes pretty much practicing simple wandless magic

once freaked out the first years because jaemin charmed a storm cloud to hang around him for an entire day

it flashed lightning when he got particularly annoyed, which was a lot because that cloud was annoying as shit

has a really old owl that literally looks evil but has called it something like “snuggles”

laughs when he unintentionally swoops too low and skims other students’ heads on mail day

buys all his friends gifts during the holidays and comes back with bags filled with fun shit

pretends he never buys gifts for chenle and jisung

always ends up giving them more

cause hes soft like that

but he headlocks them after to show his dominance

has a habit of throwing his cases in the general direction of the dorm when he comes back from holidays and accidentally hitting other students

plays quidditch in his free time

debates strategies with Jeno during their free periods

gets called a traitor by his own captain

couldnt really give a shit about his own team, he prefers to support his friends

wears his school uniform properly and is the only one in the group who does so

j e n o

a Gryffindor

probably quidditch captain

and dubbed the best player on the team

super humble about it too

always commends his team for doing their best when they lose and every member loves him a lot

the captain that's always saying stuff like “it doesn't matter how this game ends... as long as we try our hardest and play as a team”

the entire team rolls their eyes at his cheesiness but the lack of pressure keeps them at ease

and majority of the time they play really well

though its clear his focus is on quidditch, he still does really well in his classes

cant cook but is somehow rlly good at potions??

likes all the really tiny creatures in care of magical creatures

and they like him too

has a slightly damaged snitch that he carries around with him at all times

one of the wings broke during his first ever game of quidditch and he never got rid of it

he keeps it in the pocket of his robes and fiddles with it when he's anxious about something

has a really good poker face when he's stressed and you'd never know until you hear the soft clicking of his hand playing with it in his pocket while he studies

has a terrible poker face when something confuses him though

during class its so obvious when he doesnt get something

renjun once charmed question marks to hang around his head and everyone in the class died laughing

even jeno

overall great sense of humour

he brought a cat

of course

and its always getting him into trouble for wandering into the off-limits areas of the castle or into the restricted section of the library

once jaemin joked that the cat was actually an animagus that was purposely trying to get him in trouble

and jeno was spooked for like a week

wouldn't let the cat sleep on his bed and almost had a heart attack when he saw it wandering the halls between classes

but there was nothing wrong with the cat

shes just a curious girl

had a major glow-up between 6th and 7th year and everyone fell in love with him lmao

like everyone knew he was fit from quidditch but they didnt know he was that fit you know

heartthrob

d o n g h y u c k

an annoying brat

at least when he first arrived at Hogwarts in first year

has really good intentions though

everyone thought he would get sorted into Slytherin

like the second he stepped on the train and found his way into mark lee’s compartment everyone was like this kid has GOT to be a Slytherin

but no! hufflepuff

true fullsun

used to be a beater on the quidditch team but he was forced to quit until he got his grades up

but he ended up commentating because he couldnt play

and who can actually talk that fast other than the lee donghyuck

and actually found that he enjoyed that more

so even when his grades were t h r i v i n g

he stayed as a commentator

absolutely hilarious and everyone loves him for it

is Not afraid to call out foul plays

mutters quick apologies to the professors when they scold him but does it again later anyway

tbh is actually really popular

known for being dared to stand on the Slytherin table and sing at the top of his lungs

and actually doing it

he got two weeks detention

“worth it” - donghyuck, circa. 2019

has a talent for defence against the dark arts

acts like the smartest person in the room during that class

hes lowkey right tho

(don't tell him)

wears his tie way too loose and constantly gets told off about it

promises professors he’ll fix it then walks away and just,,, doesnt

his Hufflepuff scarf hangs off his bed frame back home

had a toad for his first few years of hogwarts but the toad ended up passing away so now he has a really troublesome owl

the owl itself is a good boy, flies fast and efficiently, but has a nasty habit of pecking donghyuck when hes hungry

“but hes hungry all the time” he whines when jaemin explains the bird’s just hungry. meanwhile, jaemin’s owl is sitting softly beside him, her eyes closed as he pets her

every first day back from holidays hyuck has red lines on his hands, arms and ears from the owl

chenle says its for giving the poor bastard a terrible name

donghyuck never actually refers to his owl by his proper name, always things like “bastard” and “dipshit”

theres a conspiracy theory about the owl’s real name and no one in their group will spill the secret

complains that the animals in care of magical creatures like him more than his own pet

“lol tru” - Chenle

j a e m i n

ravenclaw’s biggest flirt and most popular student

probably didnt even want to run for house captain but still got the position

theres a rumour that he was offered head boy but he turned it down

was the first one to find the kitchens and claimed it as the unofficial hang out spot for their group

if you’re ever missing jaemin, he’s probably in the kitchens chatting up the elves and stealing food every now and then

carries snacks with him everywhere for when he needs to comfort one of his babies house members

literally all the younger year levels feel so comfortable coming to him with their problems

has no issue with staying up in the common room to talk through things with someone

is known to walk people to their classes and then bolt to his own classrooms so hes not late

50% of the school is already in love with him

he was given the angel reputation back in first year and it hasn't let him down

is kind of a troublemaker tho

teases his classmates and even some professors that he has a good relationship with

really really loves transfiguration

probably wants to become an animagus

also wants to be an auror

absolutely loves defence of the dark arts

his owl is white and regal

like genuinely beautiful

she always looks like shes happy to see you

just like her owner uwu

he named her something sweet and meaningful

when Renjuns owl isnt able to fly, jaemin’s owl is eager to take Renjuns mail back to his family for him

wears his jumper all year round

its a good look though,, no ones complaining

was on the quidditch team up until his final year

he dropped it to focus on his studies and also being house captain

it takes him forever to go anywhere because he stops to talk to everyone

somehow knows everyone in school

even the third years in other houses??

runs errands for teachers with a smile

offers to buy food when the group goes out

c h e n l e

another muggleborn

but fits in so well

like the boy is just a natural at magic

unfortunately it doesnt always transfer into his grades

he has such a great interest in everything,,, just not on what hes learning

learnt fourth year history of magic in his first year but still almost failed his exam at the end of year

also hes the best other hufflepuff in the group

didnt understand quidditch for at least a year

ended up in the team in second year and is actually really good

probably the goalie

has the loudest laugh in school

the older professors claim they can hear him from the other side of the castle

somehow gets his hands on all the coolest magic stuff

has the marauders map no doubt

bought himself an invisibility cloak to mess with his friends

makes his professors laugh a lot

fist bumps everyone in school istg

like chenle w h y

really good at muggle studies too

made sure to select it as a subject the entire time he was at hogwarts as a slack class

doesnt really study and then feels threatened when someone gets a mark close to his

studies his butt off for the next test to maintain his status as top rank

definitely had a rat first year because he thought they were cool

and also because he knows rats can be pets like ??? wyd with owls you guys ??? shouldn't they be out in the wild or smth??

was super depressed when he found out how short the lifespans of rats were

ended up having to buy an owl in third year because rip nugget 2k15 :((

his owl is Small

thought it would be funny to call it renjun

but then renjun wouldnt talk to him for almost a week

visits the owlery at least once a week during his free periods to check on his owl

collects his thoughts up there

also rlly likes feeding the owls

sometimes steals Jeno’s cat

catch him in his dorm studying on his bed with Jeno’s cat sleeping in his lap

chenle claims its because the cats like the warm greenhouse vibe the Hufflepuff dorm has going on

but the real reason he bribed the cat into loving him when he first met it

probably was the one to lead the cat to the off-limits areas of the castle

j i s u n g

Gryffindors best seeker to date

kinda shy but is rlly admired by everyone

likes to piss jeno off by missing practice every two practices to study

but low-key hes so good he doesnt really have to go at all

doesnt want a career in quidditch but is constantly reminded he could have one if he wanted it

easily the most popular boy in his year

got asked out a few times this year and awkwardly rejected them all in the nicest way possible

he has a cat thats just as long and skinny as he is

jeno likes to call it sungie and it now responds to that name

enjoys care of magical creatures but very hesitant towards the creatures

but because of his care and precaution, the animals all really love him lmao

gets really soft around them now

seriously oblivious to his admirers tho

chenle once said if the triwizard tournament was to be brought back jisung would be the one to be chosen

has lived in fear ever since

okay jokes

boy could totally win

the only one in the group who has attempted and can successfully perform wordless magic

he knows way too many jinxes and charms off the top of his head that he can easily jinx you without even uttering a word

once was studying in the great hall when one of his friends teased him about rejecting someone and without looking up from his book he just lifted his wand and waved it, jinxing the apple in his friend’s hand to bite him

got detention but honestly the professor was so pleased with his progress it was only a one hour session

has a lot of sass

evidently

never Fully awake at breakfast

always looks really good in the evenings tho

he comes down to breakfast with his tie half undone and the top button of his shirt open

undoes the top buttons when he’s stressed too

professors love having him as a student

especially because they know he hangs out with jaemin

but the fact that he was in renjun and Donghyuck and Chenle’s group was enough for them to be wary

but hes the perfect blend of fun and focused in lessons

likes studying outside in summer

enjoys walking around school grounds during the holidays

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naughtynutboy · 5 years ago

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(tw: don't read this if you get a lot of anxiety around existential stuff, this is just a post of me ranting about time and adulthood and life and shit so be warned)

everyone's always talking about the inevitablility of death, but what about the inevitability of age?????

like i'm gonna be 18, a legal adult, later this year in october. even though my brain, the voice inside my head, feels the exact same as when i was 13. i have wildly different opinions and thoughts and feelings than when i was 13, but that's about the only difference.

and like, even in the grand scheme of things, 18 is still super young. i'm still baby! and i will probably be baby until i'm like 30. but these numbers are so abstract that my brain can't even grasp the thought that one day i will be 30. it seems so impossible and far off but nobody ever prepared me for the fact that as you get older, time goes faster.

when you are 2 years old, one year is literally half your entire lifespan up until that point. that's why when you're a little kid, years seem like such a long span of time. but as you get older and 2 years turns to 4 turns to 8 turns to 16, one year starts to seem like a shorter and shorter span of time. like time itself is literally speeding up. that's fucking terrifying to me

i am not prepared for adulthood. like i said, my mind is still the same as it was when i was 13. i can't drive. i don't have a job. and most of all, i don't even know what i'm going to do or where to start to become independent. most kids my age right now have a college picked out and a plan for at least that, but i don't. i want to go to college in theory, i want to get a higher education and be smart and make my family proud. but i have no idea what the fuck i want to do for a career and i can barely even pass junior year right now, so i feel like sending me off to college would be a waste and i would end up dropping out from the stress. but i also don't want to not go to college.

idk. in my mind there's this idyllic life that i have planned of me and a wife and kids and lots of pets in a suburban house living the "american dream" but i have no idea how to get there, especially because of all the dumb shit going on in the world. i also have a chronic illness that i could very well die of, diet restrictions based around both that chronic illness and sensory issues, and crippling social anxiety. right now in my life, my social anxiety is far from crippling but i'm afraid that as soon as i leave school i'm going to be all alone because idk how to make new friends??? i dont know how i even made the friends that i have right now in the first place

i can accept the inevitability of death. that's easy, it happens to all of us and we have no control over when and how it happens. but we do have control over our lives as we age and grow up, and that's just not a responsibility that i'm ready for. i can't trust myself not to fuck my life all up because i have no idea what i'm doing or how anything works. it feels like someone's about to throw me head first into a lake and i don't even know how to hold my breath let alone swim

and then when you turn 18, everything you do is put into a different context. if i make a mistake at 17, i'm still a minor and i'm still learning. but if i make a mistake at 18, i'm a "grown-ass adult" who should know better. i don't know anything about anything. i learned how to tie my own shoes in like 7th grade because everyone just expected me to know how but never bothered to actually teach me!

idk this is just me rambling about being scared of being an adult. my birthday this year literally feels like a dentist appointment, that's how much i'm dreading it. and i'm sure this is a common feeling and that it won't be as bad as i think it will, but i can't help how i feel about it rn i guess

#m wont shut up #i just be Thinkin i guess #i've literally had nightmares about being a senior lmao

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derenger · 4 years ago

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Growing up, parenting and gaming - Longread on life, computer games and finding yourself

This longread is dedicated to and written for all those current and former kids, who had or have troubles growing up, taking decisions, finding themselves in the world they live in, who play games independently of age and – perhaps – have not lost their love for a good game, good times and good buddies.

Perhaps it will help someone in their life. If that happens – I shall think of this writing as useful and my time writing it as not completely wasted.

The ideas have been on my mind for over 2 years now (they started getting very clear when I started doing therapy) and I have to put them on paper now.

Here it goes.

I grew up in the 90s in Eastern Europe. After the USSR collapsed millions of people found themselves without work, perspectives and means of existence. We were lucky that my dad had a good job that was paid in hard currency, however he was barely home – and by that I mean like seeing him 2 or 3 times a month.

We had good living conditions compared to others and my mom did the best she could too take care of my younger bro and me.

The first time we were exposed to computer games was when I was like 7 and my bro was 5 – in the office where the boyfriend of our aunt has been working. We played Dangerous Dave, Scorched Earth, Socoban, Digger, Civilization, The Incredible Machine and some others I do not recall the names. And of course, we liked it and it did not take long for our dad to install them on his PC at home. 2 years later my best buddy got Doom 2 installed on his PC and that was the absolute blast. We spent weeks trying to figure out how to get through level 2 and it was a big holiday when our buddy finally did.

My dad tried to restrict TV and computer time per week, so we always opted for the PC. Over time I learned to turn it on by myself and play when there was no one at home. My dad did not know.

A couple of our friends had 8bit consoles - soviet bootlegs of Super Nintendoes, with TMNT and Chip n Dale, but that was probably it. After all, we were living in a small village with not that many possibilities to make money.

When I was 10 we moved to a bigger city into a 1 room apartment. All 4 of us. This was 1996. 2 other very important things:

We started going to a far bigger school than before, where the mood was totally different from what we were used to. We were bullied and beaten, could not get along with other pupils and teachers and no one actually cared.

Father was home every day.

I mean, father was present home every day. It is not like he spent time with us doing sports or whatever. He just had any idea what to do with us as this was his first long time exposure to kids in the 11 years we were a family.

He was more of an authoritarian guy – we were not supposed to waste time in gaming clubs, listen to stupid music (Prodigy, Beastie Boys), we should have studied well, read books, have been doing sports and in general act like good kids.

We were doing some martial arts sports cause mom brought us there. We were taking music classes cause “everyone has to”. We were supposed to help out at home. We were not supposed to hang out with “bad” kid or stay outside till late hours. We were not supposed to smoke, swear and simulate illness to miss classes. We were not supposed to get into trouble.

It is not like we were putting a lot of thought into it. We just moved to the city from rural area and frankly speaking were absolutely not happy about. I guess we just went with the flow.

This was also the time when the first “gaming spot” in town opened – they had 2 Sega Mega Drives II and 1 Sony PlayStation. MK3, MK3 Ultimate, Contra Hard Cops, Golden Axe, some samurai fighting games for the Sega. SPS – Red Alert, Twisted Metal, Duke Nukem, Doom and of course – an incredible breakthrough for its time – Quake 2. And that was a revelation. I recall mom giving us money from time to time. To go play. Sega cost like 1 buck and hour, SPS – 1,5 bucks – far more expensive, so we played mainly on Sega.

At the same time we did have some games at home – Doom, Power Formula 1, Lines, the same Civilization, Lion King, Alladin, Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis, Gods and Dune 2000. Dad did not want to allow us play games. Like, at all. Don’t ask me why he never deleted the games. The PC was mainly used for him to work. So when he left home, he took the power cable of the monitor and closed it in his spare suitcase. What we did was to unplug the cable from the printer and use for the monitor. Later on he hid both cables – from the monitor and the PC in the suitcase. I found a way to open the suitcase with a very fine flat screwdriver. Mom hid the fact from our dad for a while until he noticed the suitcase was “broken”. I believe they did not speak with each other for a week. But I am still proud of the fact of cracking that suitcase! Fuck yeah!

Things started getting worse when I transferred to a lyceum - 1998. I was 12. This was like a gymnasium for hardcore science-kids, where they went deep into math and natural sciences. I was hysterical the first 2 years as I was barely making the program. Even my dad had troubles solving the math they gave us. Music classes turned to shits. I had no time nor mood for sport. But I had to keep doing it all. Just because. There were a couple of bullies in class, whose parents bribed the management of the school so that their kids would have fancy graduation papers at the end and frankly speaking no one could get a grip on them. That had me very depressed.

Around 13 I started stealing money from my parents and missing classes to go to computer clubs – their number was getting bigger every week, consoles started to disappear. Half Life, CS 1.6, Age of Empires 2, Q3, D2 1.07, Black and White, SimCity 2000, NOX, StarCraft Brood War and many other games had our full attention. The biggest part of it was the fact you could play with or against your friends! That was so fucking awesome! At the same time I started discovering sci-fi and rock music, but that is a different story.

We stole a lot of money from our parents in those times and missed a lot of classes and of course after 3 or 4 months it all got revealed. Boy oh boy our dad smoked us. That was very very tough for a kid when all the things he actually liked were taken from him. Dark times when we were seriously asking ourselves what the hell our parents wanted from us as aside from the stuff they told us to do they never really told us what was it for. Everything else was useless, stupid or waste of time.

Somehow my marks at school got better closer to graduation and I graduated almost with a medal, went to university. I remember they had this PC club with like 200 PCs and from time to time we skipped one or the other lecture to play Starcraft or CS, but very quickly boozing with buddies became the major leisure activity and pushed gaming to the back. I did pretty well at the university, made my master with excellence and that was it – 6 years flew by in a blink of an eye.

I got my own PC during the first year at the uni, played a bit of Warcraft 3, HOMM 3, Quake 3, Lineage II but it was not like I was deep into that. I remember after defending my master I spent like 3 days playing Crysis without anyone saying a word. I mean, I was through with the university. I was free!

Soon after that I went on to work abroad as a project engineer in the chemical industry.

At the moment I am doing sales engineer for a good salary in Berlin, I am married and except for the Corona and all the restrictions it brought life seems ok.

During the last 10 years of my “adult” life I have been in many different situations. I have been very sick a couple of times, running on the edge of life and death. I have been in some useless relations that only drained energy and nerves from me. I also have been diagnosed with depression and burnout at some point, did therapy and consider myself fully recovered from both. I’ll be summarizing it all below.

When I look at my life it did occur to me that gaming was far more important than just the sheer desire to shoot buddies and skip school.

Growing up under the conditions where everything is predetermined one does not really get the chance to expose your own wish. After all, my parents both come from very unhappy families and did not have the exactly best examples of parenting.

It occurred to me that they never really cared about anything we achieved – whether in school, music or sports. I recall a couple of times when I did really good, like winning the City-contest in English language or getting my first “good” in algebra in 7th grade as that shit was extremely tough. I do not recall any reaction. In fact, mom and dad put their close attention to us only when things started getting really bad, like when we were skipping classes or got arrested for setting up fireworks in a crowded place. We never really got any positive feedback for anything we did because our parents just had no idea how to do that. I do not blame them – they were trying their best from their own experience.

And gaming was the absolute opposite to all of that.

Going to computer clubs we knew exactly that we were surrounded by like-minded lads. We made some good friends along the way – lads, who were always ready to jam on de_dust or bring their D2 chars to share some loot. One of the owners of the club had a daughter who was really good in Q3 – I remember everyone has been looking at her like she was some sort of demigod. The games gave us the space and playground we needed so much – clear even rules for everyone. If you frag – you win. If you don’t – you lose. If you suck – the older guys would always help with a couple of tips. Games also gave us control. I really liked the games where you went on an adventure, like NOX or Will Rock or serious Sam. Gaming also gave us the space to take our own decisions and suffer the full consequences if these were wrong – getting overrun by zerglings or getting fragged with rocket launcher with QUAD DAMAGE.

Gaming clubs were our safe space. At some point our dad did raid the computer clubs and did bust us a couple of times. Sure we got beaten on those occasions.

I recall my bro being very proud on getting 1st in the national 2v2 ladder in SC:BW later in the uni. He also used to game the whole night long at my parents place. This was over 10 years ago and they still do not know. He is still very good in SC though he does not play anymore.

I do play sometimes – currently grinding D2 and refreshing my knowledge in chess. I do not have more time for any other more or less serious game.

I am slowly approaching the point where I should write a conclusion – it is going to be quite simple. Gaming was the first opportunity to take my life into my own hands. It took me 32 years of my own life to find the power in me to take responsibility for myself and not to rely on someone else. My decision – my choice – my consequences. It took a lot of trouble and turmoil for me to get to this point and finally embracing the power within feels great. It was also the first surrounding of dudes just like me, which was a very good feeling back then.

During the last 6 months I switched to a job that pays almost the double of my previous one, my wife moved in with me from abroad, we have a nice apartment and are looking forward to vacations in the Alps. I still have to find a way to approach my parents though I am not sure the old hive is worth disturbing. I guess time will tell.

Whenever I am down or things do no go according to play – I do turn to gaming occasionally, just to get back into the world where I am in full control. It gives me power and I guess hope that everything will work out. If not now – then over time. You just have to keep practicing. And ask for help when it is needed.

I hope you found this read interesting.

#life #gaming #adulthood #friends

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transmenfashion · 5 years ago

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lets talk packing

so getting into packing can be daunting and almost terrifying for those guys out there who have never really done it before. i first started packing when i was in 7th grade before i was even out and boy was it hard (pun absolutely intended). i had no idea about size and shape and all the other funky junk that comes with the junk.

so first on the long list of things we’ll go over

what is packing?

packing for trans men is when you wear something in your pants or underwear that makes you look like you have a penis. not too complicated right? wrong. packing can be hard to do especially since most quality prosthetics can cost anywhere from $100-$1500usd. In this post ill be going over some ways to do this at home without selling a few organs to do so.

Disclaimer: If you are not out and are worried about your safety if you were to be outed i highly suggest you do not pack in public or around the people you are worried about finding out, as it can and will be a dead give away.

next thing on our list

why do i need to pack?

you dont! these is no reason you need to pack if you dont want to. But for those trans men out there who do want to, the reason i want to pack is because i want to appear to have a bulge and i fells nice to walk around and know i am better “equipped” than 90% of cis men lol

how to pack:

so this one is gonna kinda have a lot to it so imma do bullet points

sock

with the sock method you're going to take a pair of socks and pretty much make it into a lump and put it in your underwear. its my least favorite way to pack just because it doesn't look or feel real. but it is easy for those who are not out and cant afford much more.

condoms

so this one is my favorite of the super cheap ones honestly and i use this one whenever i need a new packer and don’t have the money right away because its honestly amazing for how simple and easy it is. You're gonna go out and but a package of normal latex condoms and the cheapest hair gel you can get your hands on. Walmart is 10/10 for this one because they have self check out to avoid the embarrassment of buying condoms and cheap hair gel. and there is NO age restriction in the US on buying condoms. you need about three condoms and maybe half a bottle of gel. the measuring part is a little hard because when you unroll the condom and put gel in it it will look really long and skinny but when you go to tie it it will get thicker and shorter. so i suggest filling it till its about 6in long and then tie it down to about 3-4in. once the first condom is filled and tied off youre going to roll another one on and tie it off once you get the air bubbles out of it. repeat that last step another time so it should use three condoms. it feels realistic so the grab test is 100% passable and you get to choose the size! it warms up fairly quick and because condoms are so strong its not going to burst. i have worn these things during so many different practices like football, marching band, cheer leading, theater performances, rugby, and kick boxing. it will last!! plus its comfortable as hell.

cheap packers

so there are probably hundreds of packers you can find for under $50 but im only going to list two that i have personally used

packer gear

mr. right

both of those are amazing but sadly only last like three months max with daily use :/ but because the packer gear is so cheap i would just buy like three and throw them away when it got gross lol

now for the scary ones

expensive packers

im pretty reluctant on sharing my opinions on these due to the fact that they can be hundreds of dollars and i would never want someone to spend that much just because i said something was good or it worked for me.

that being said i will tell you the ones i have used and how i felt about them

gendercat first generation 4in packer without amazballs: it has by far been my favorite packer. i have used it everyday for two years and only in the past two months is it finally starting to show signs of wear.i ended up not liking the adhesive so i actually cut off the skin flap and wear it in a harness like a normal packer and boy do i LOVE it. it warms up fast, is the same density as a human penis, is extremely comfortable and was reasonably priced.

freetom gen 2 traditional 6.5 4in1: i absolutely hated this thing. i felt swindled and played out of $300. the balls are huge and uncomfortable, they make suction cup noises when using the play function of it, and even though it made that noise, no matter how much i practiced with it i would still pee all over myself when trying to use the STP function. it was too large to pack with while being underwhelming to use for play so it was perfectly in that “useless” zone.

reelmagik 4.5 packer only in soft: the balls were just TOO big for my liking but the price, the softness, and the texture were nice. i would just go with a different model if i were to get another reelmagik.

make sure whatever packer you decide on, you clean it and its harness everyday! there is an insane amount of bacteria down below and with how warm and humid it gets you cannot neglect the daily cleaning! follow whatever cleaning directions the packer company gave you when you purchased the packer! for the condom one use anti bacterial soap and warm water.

i hope some of this was helpful! if you have any further questions or comments feel free to send me an ask or message me!

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bloomeng · 4 years ago

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MDZS/Hogwarts au Headcanons

This au is a classic, but per usual I have opinions so here we go. (Also let’s pretend we do not see you know who)

All the patronuses are based on the official list and descriptions (I’ll leave the link below).

Wei Wuxian:

Gryffindor

Do I even need to make an arguement for this??

Patronus: Crow or Dolphin (I genuinely can’t decide)

Has friends in all houses and floats around among the tables in the great hall

Has been in all the houses common rooms tho

Probably good at most subjects, but he is amazing at defense against the dark arts

Definitely plays Quidditch, and is definitely the seeker too

Y’know typical over-achiver, star of the show, but without really trying

Steals books from the resticted section, not because he wants to read them, just because he was told they were off limits

He also steals food from the kitchen on his way back from the Hufflepuff common room (visiting Yanli ofc)

Is the kid that looses all of the points for his house, which means he also has most of the names in trophy room memorized (just from the sheer amount of time he’s had to clean them in detention)

Curfew is more of a suggestion, in his opinion nightime is the best time to roam the castle

He’s ended up in the hospital wing so many times that he basically has a bed reserved

Jiang Cheng:

Gryffindor

Between the loyalty, courage, ambition to “attempt the impossible,” and secret heart of gold, he could rival wwx’s Gryffindor spirit

Patronus: Chow Dog

Grumpily follows around during his misadeventures to make sure he doesn’t hurt himself

Or rather he’s the one who drags wwx’s ass to the hospital wing when he does hurt himself

Only one out of the trio (wwx, nhs, jc) who actaully studies

Hates divination, thinks it’s all a hoax, and it bugs the crap out of him that nhs actually belives in it

Is the captain of the Quidditch team, started as a chaser but now he’s the keeper

Was chosen to be a prefect

His favorite perk is the fancy bathtub, which nhs has definitely bribed him to gain access to

Shares his dorm with wwx, and he’s always complaining how he has to drag him out of bed

Lan Wangji:

Ravenclaw

He do be out here being super creative with that Guqin, and also owning our asses with his intelligence

Patronus: Wild Rabbit

I’d estimate that he spent 90% of the first 3 years of school in the library

Insert intense glaring at wwx as he tries to sneak into the restricted section

Somehow missed that wwx played Quidditch until his brother dragged him to a game

Needless to say he never missed a Gryffindor game after that

Somehow he managed to score one point off of a perfect grade on his OWL

Y’all already know he’d be a prefect, do I even need to say it

His favorite place in the castle is the window seat in Ravenclaw tower

Pretends to protest wwx sneaking into his common room

Imagine: Wangxian Hogsmeade dates and wwx trying to get him to wear his Quidditch jersey

Lan Xichen:

Hufflepuff

Although I feel like you could make a strong case for Ravenclaw, but the compassion and open-mindedness wins out

Patronous: White Swan

Professors love him, even Snape manages to tolerate him, probably by his 5th year he’s friends with half his professors

His favorite class is herbology but he’s also really good at charms and transfiguration

Owns an owl that he shares with his brother that he named something dumb like “Harold”

Has the Daily Prophet delievered every morning, and always thanks “Harold”

He grew up in a pure blood family so he is fascinated by muggle culture, and he is constantly asking jgy questions

Once jgy shared music from his ipod (yknow like one of the og ipods) and it blew his mind

Probably tried to help the house elves in the kitchen at some point, but was kicked out because he caused more damage then actual help

Somehow he was made a prefect in his fourth year???

He just roots for the under dog in Quidditch games, which often leads to a friendly competition between he and his brother (Gryffindor is never the underdog, not with wwx and jc on the team)

Nie Huaisang:

Slytherin

Again do I even need to make a case for this???

Patronus: Sparrow

Doesn’t even try and hide the fact that he let’s wwx and jc into the Slytherin common room

Often sits at the Gryffindor table because he wants to sit with wwx and jc

Instead of studying, he is constantly trying to find ways to cheat by designing bewitched items

By his 7th year he has his own business selling his cheats

His favorite class is divination, everyone assumes it’s because he’s a believer, but in reality he finds the subject hilarious and he’s amazed how a scam can go so far as to have a full educational class dedicated to it

Forged his brother’s signature on the Hogsmeade form, because Mingjue told him he wasn’t allowed to go if he was failing a class

Can’t fly a broom for the life of him

Barely passed his OWLS

In general he’s far more concerned with gossip and playing match-maker then doing any of this school work (who do you think told lxc to bring lwj to a Gryffinsor Quidditch game??)

(My monkey Xiyao controled brain likes to think that he’s been trying to set the two of them up for years, but that might just be me)

Jin Guangyao:

Slytherin

AGAIN do I really need to explain my thought process on this??? He’s cunning and manipulative, case closed, I do not take critism

Patronus: Grass Snake

Struggles in conjouring magic, but makes up for it in written work and testing

In general he works very hard and is most likely top of his class, despite the lack of natural ability

His favorite class is potions, because it’s simply a matter of following directions

The first friend he made was lxc after realizing as first years that they had really similar class schedules and decided to study together

His mother was a muggle, and thus he was raised in the muggle world, so there’s a lot of prejudice from his housemates

Every once in awhile he’ll quietly ask lxc to explain something about the wizarding world

To the annoyance of his house, he was made a prefect

Somewhere along the way he befriended nhs

The relationship dynamic is as follows: jgy forces nhs to study, while nhs forces him to come with him to Hogsmeade (mainly so that he doesn’t have to pay for his own food)

Jiang Yanli:

Hufflepuff

She’s just so sweet, compassionate, and kind not to be a Hufflepuff

Patronus: Doe

Her favorite classes are Herbology and Care for Magical Creatures

She’s really good with animals

She read that you were allowed to bring an animal and immediately went out to buy a cat

Buys wwx snacks on the Hogwarts Express, even though she made him lunch

She brought a phonograph and a collection of records from home, and set it up in the common room

No one knows where it came from, but people started to slowly add to the collection of records

Now the common room is just constantly filled with music

Lxc knows it was her, but he didn’t see the harm in letting it stay, so he let it be (plus he also enjoys music)

She goes to Quidditch games and roots for Gryffindor despite... not being in Gryffindor (she’s a supportive sister)

Spent most of her 4th year stopping wwx from fighting Jin Zixuan (the year before she started dating him)

She really do be living the cliche dream of the Hufflepuff/Slytherin relationship

Jin Zixuan:

Slytherin

He’s the typical pompous, preppy, asshole, that people assiociate with Slytherins

Patronus: Peacock

The first thing he did when he got to Hogwarts was set up his side of the dorm room to make it more up to his “standards”

His dad tried to convince him to play Quidditch, but he refused

Basically ignores jgy’s existence.... even though they’re in the same house

Loathes herbology because it requires getting his hands dirty

Is racist(?) towards muggleborns

He always has a mob of girls surrounding him at all times, yet doesn’t know how to properly process his own feelings for Yanli

I’d say he’s trying his best but that would be a lie, he thinks he’s doing the most though

He takes school very seriously, and he scored pretty well on his OWLS

One time in potions something went wrong and his potion blew up in his face quite literally, and wwx hasn’t let him live that down

Xue Yang:

Slytherin

He is bad man grrrrrr and a sly bastard, so ofc he’s the house of snek

Patronus: Weasel

Everyone hates him, his professors, his housemates, even the ghosts avoid him

Except Peeves, in fact Peeves love him

Probably because he’s constantly messing with people

He’s the only person to rival wwx’s detention record

He is fantastic at defense against the dark arts

He likes to mess with Trelawney by purposely making death omens in his readings

He just doesn’t do assignments, yet does really well on exams and passes???

Snape would vouch for him, that’s the vibe I get

He plays as a beater on his Quidditch team, and he’s known for knocking people out

Xiao Xingchen:

Hufflepuff

He’s kind, selfless, and is always trying to see the good in people, which screams Hufflepuff

Patronus: Dragonfly

Is really good with charms

Even though he’s of age, he hates appariting and will do a lot to avoid it

Runs group study sessions, with the help of sl

A big activist in freeing house elves working for old families

Stops to have full conversations with the paintings

Is the only person in the school that tries to be friendly to Xue Yang

Song Lan:

Ravenclaw

He seems to have that very principled and intelligent nature of a Ravenclaw

Patronus: Dun Stallion

He doesn’t really have a lot of friends outside of xxc, but he doesn’t seem to mind

He’s that one person who actually enjoys professor Binns’ History of Magic class

He lets xxc drag him to Hogsmeade, even though the crowded shops make him uncomfortable

Shh it’s a secret but he also has a major sweet tooth and he will buy a shit ton of candy

Because of his scary amount of knowledge of Hogwarts and its history, he managed to find the room of requirement

So he and xxc end up moving their study sessions there when their group size outgrows the library

Anyway that’s all for now, but if you have a request be sure to ask!

Anyway I’m proud of the patronus choices I made for these, mostly. I know that it’s inevitable that someone will disagree with the house placements, so just note that these are purely my opinons.

Patronus info link:

#mdzs #the untamed #cql #mo doa zu shi #mdzs headcanons #hogwarts au #wei wuxian #lan wangji #jiang cheng #ok yeah I ain’t listing all the characters #pls don’t fight me over these opinions #this is just for fun #headcanons #wangxian

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transdelgado · 6 years ago

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1. You age when you got an ed 2. Your sexuality? (Only if you want to answer) 3. Favourite thing to do? 4. What makes you happy? 5. A nice memory? 6. What do you love? 7. A sentence or word that you like 8. Favourite colour and animal? 9. Where do you want to be right now? 10.Not a question, just sending love💞💞

1) i started showing disordered eating behavior when i was 9 (mainly binging). i started restricting in 7th grade (13), stopped for a bit, started again 12th grade (17) and then started fasting at 18 (i’m 19 turning 20 in august)

2) i’m bisexual!

3) learning! i love learning new languages specifically

4) succeeding after putting in a lot of work.

5) last night when my friend came over bc i was depressed and we watched pokemon for like 2 hours. they (him and my roommate) didn’t judge me for having a kids show as a comfort show. instead, they asked questions and laughed along w the show

6) cats

7) these are kind of edgy but they kinda reflect how i was raised lmao“you were born a leader, no throne or crown is needed” this one i kind of interpret as i can do whatever i determine myself to, no matter what the people around me say. i’m the leader of my own life.

a second one is “you want a fight? i’ll bring a war”. i interpret this as never backing down from a challenge. someone wants me to give my 100%? i’ll give my 200% and more.

8) forest green! and i also love raccoons they are super cute!!

9) up north, where it’s cold. it’s so hot where i live right now

10) thank you for sending these in, anon!

#transdelgado.answered

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britishb3atlemania · 7 years ago

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im so fukin done with the double standard in my fam b/w my little brother and me. As a cis dude who is the younger sibling hes had everything he wants handed to him in a silver friken platter. I was the trial and error kid like... i got the military dad beatings and the intense groundings and the never even say the word “stupid” or te doy la chancla and he was raised in canada so they raised him so fukin white and immmgigjh.

now hes 16 and a dealer since 7th grade and so fucking rude he like demands to vape in front of them and if they object he snaps back and says he can do what he wants and he swears all he wants and they tried to forbid me from going back to mexico this winter but i was 20 and paid it all onmy own and went alone to have my parents be super anal and tried to restrict everything i did (which i fought hard against). meanwhile they happily send my brother there for a monTH (god forbid i was there for even 2 weeks) and he makes his own curfews and he can go out wherever whenever and they dont bat an eye bc hes him and im so!!! over it!!!! Like thank fuckin god im a legal adult and i still did as much as i could that i wanted to do but it just irks me that even they my parents still attempted to restrain my every move while my teen brother parades around the streets at 2am partying and smoking up

it took my ma a decade to finally realize “oh wow mayb we did let your brother walk all over us” like... not to say i told you so but... i told you so.... and now he wont listen to anyone hes so fucking rude to everyone i have a friend in mexico who showed me a video of my brother being a dick and its so embarrassing and upsetting bc even though hes an asshole its like a “quirk” and hes egged on by laughter and smiles

and my parents legit tell me its up to me now to talk some sense into him bc he doenst respect my uncle no more and obvi wont listen to my parents and i hate that so much bc like... if there is anY hope of him not being a fuckboy for the rest of his dwindling life it does seem i can do it but i hate that its come to that bc ive been warning my whole fam for 10+ years!!!! legit!!! over this!!!! they cant ground him anymore bc when they try to enforce rules on him he barks back i hate it so much i hate it i hate it i hate it its such a source of anxiety for me bc he gets applauded by everyone else they think its sooooo funny and its not

he honestly wont even listen to him he is a people person who wants to be cool... if people outside of the fam, like friends and “cool kids” stopped egging him on to be such a jackass then he would stop... but hey lmao who listens to me theyre like “lol hes so funny tho” and it drives me up a WALL

i feel like every time i see him he gets nastier and nastier like sure its easier to talk to him vs when he was 5 but at the same time bc now he has more autonomy hes more of a piece of shittttt

i just really want people to stop encouraging his gross behaviour... it legit doesnt help when my own friends are like “yo hes so chill lmao he gives us weed free and hes funny.” I gET it hes more social and likeable than me yeah and ngl its a big insecurity of mine but its at the point where its rlly just toxic...

idk this rant has gone in 200 directions but im so frustrated im so fukin frustrated i hate that my parents tried to put the whole responsibility on me they fuk up and im here to attempt to mop up this mess but they still let him talk over them and they still let him do what he wants and unground himself

the big initial red flag to his nastiness was like 5-6 yrs ago when he called me a bitch in front of them and when i told him he’s stupid my parents got so mAD at me?!!? and when i complained that he called me a bitch they said “well dont act like one” and like!?!?! fuk that incident still gts me so fucking mad bc its only one example of all the shitty fukery they let him pull and im so doneoenibt fuKKk

ok now im done for real (for tonight)

#stop encouraging fuckbois 2kforever

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w0nderfulworld · 4 years ago

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I’m not sure what to even write, I haven’t had a diary or anything similar since 7th grade but I’ll just start my first journal-like post by going through my day and recounting how I felt, sooo here goes:

First thing I saw this morning when I checked my phone was a bunch of messages from this guy on Hinge, who was drunk texting me through the app at 4 am asking me to come see him. If it were any random guy I’d feel weird, but this was someone who I’d hooked up with almost two years ago so I wasn’t completely taken aback by his messages. I responded this morning but I’m not sure if I’m interested in anything with him, so when he messaged me when he woke up I kinda just let it sit all day until 5 mins ago when I realized it’s been 12 hours since I last said anything. I think my heart’s in another place still (can write about that in my next post!! new material lol how exciting)

Got out of bed, had some protein pancakes for breakfast, was still hungry so I had a protein bar, then read Little Fires Everywhere while I waited for my parents to get back before my brother and I headed out for the grocery store. I really wanted to go as soon as I woke up, but he’s currently studying for the GMAT, and anytime our parents leave the house he makes sure he dedicates that time to studying. It’s a lot harder to focus on the weekends when we’re all home and hanging around the house since we’re all very (very) loud people. Throughout the week it’s not so bad since I’m in my room working, my brother and mom are in their rooms, and my dad’s at his desk downstairs, but I can see when we’re all just doing our thing on the weekends how he could get distracted easily. So in order to give him more study time, we waited until our parents got home and then we were off to Trader Joe’s.

I don’t know if it’s because I went there twice a week for groceries pre-pandemic and I just feel so at home, or if there’s an inherent sense of comfort for anyone who walks into the store, but Trader Joe’s just feels like a little escape for me, even if my anxiety is high because of the combo of people + small aisles, aka not a lot of wiggle room to stay 6 ft apart from other customers (especially in the frozen section!!!! move soon please I need my cauliflower gnocchi!!!!).

We have this whole system of grocery shopping ever since quarantine started, where we’ll bring in the bags and leave them on the kitchen floor, and then one person will grab each grocery item and wash it with soap and water before another person dries it and puts it in it’s appropriate spot. We know there’s research to support that getting covid from groceries is super unlikely, but we started this routine before we had read that and it feels silly to stop now when it allows us a certain peace of mind. I don’t mind the washing either (I’m usually the one who does it), as I find it quite peaceful, especially if it’s just me and my brother in the kitchen and I can turn on the radio and listen to music while he and I talk about the latest drama with RuPaul’s drag race. After we finished washing/drying, I cut up a cucumber and opened a bag of baby carrots, and we sat at the table for a bit snacking on our veggies with some tzatziki we just bought.

I’m going to the beach in a couple of weeks, and I realized that I don’t have a cooler, so I thought about buying one and painting it. I’ve painted coolers for people before, four total, but I’ve never made one for myself. I spent some time on here and on pinterest choosing designs for each side, I’m going for a 70s kinda vibe and I’m really excited to start working on it :)

I worked out for about an hour and a half (currently on a weight loss journey - have 20 lbs and would like to lose 25 more to be at the ideal BMI, would honestly be ok with losing just 15 more but idk we’ll see) and then had some frozen Indian food from Trader Joe’s for dinner, along with some frozen peaches (also from TJ’s) warmed up and topped with a bit of plain greek yogurt and cinnamon. Normally I wouldn’t eat Indian food from TJ’s; at the beginning of my ~ journey ~ i thought they were relatively okay options but the more I learned about calorie deficits, macros, etc, I cut them out of my diet completely. Before I would have palak paneer or chicken tikka masala once in a blue moon, but until tonight, I hadn’t had an Indian dish from TJ’s for 4ish months. However, at this point I find myself stuck in a restrict-binge cycle, and I’m trying to break free from that by listening to my body and allowing myself to eat what I want, given that I’m still in a moderate calorie deficit. Sometimes a bitch just wants a bowl of cereal!!! Who cares if its full of carbs and no protein just gimme!!!

Showered after eating dinner (usually I shower right after exercising but tonight I just didn’t feel like waiting to eat), did my skincare routine, and now here I am! This was a lot longer than I expected but also a ton of fun to do, even if no one reads this (like i’m fully expecting lmao) this made me happy and thats what we’re all here for am i right?? so goodnight tumblr talk to u tm!!

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skinnyorangekoolaid-blog · 6 years ago

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Update 1- August 4, 2018

Since I have started this blog, I have been eating about 800 calories. Those calories consist of mostly carbs while I had intended for them to be mostly fats and some protein. I have only lost around 1 pound. That is ridiculous. I am moving my calorie limit up to 1200 calories and try to follow a ketogenic diet. If I continue to follow my current diet, I will end up skinny fat which is not the look I am going for. I want to be thin but toned. I want to have a thigh gap but I want to also have a strong outer thigh. Last year when I was at my ‘goal weight’, I had a huge ass but it was super saggy. At about 25 pounds higher than my goal weight, my ass is so big that I could pass as a Kim K impersonator. I don't want to have a skinny fat bum like I did last year, I want to have a big, lifted, toned bum. My arms are naturally thin but even they are kind of pudgy right now. My waist and stomach need a lot of work but they look even worse after I started restricting because I just feel so bloated and gross. I want to have a beautiful thin body but I want to do it the right way. I want it to be sustainable. I want to be happy. Furthermore, ketosis helps clear your skin and I have pimples. I know that for some people in this community, it is extremely hard to increase how much you eat. I want to give you guys (hello to my 3 followers or anyone else that reads this). In grade 6, I moved to a different area and so I went to a middle school in which I had no friends. I hung around some really nice (kind of geeky to an outsider) people but I really wanted to be friends with this group of really skinny pretty girls. All of grade 6, I would absentmindedly dream about looking like them and being friends with them but never took any steps to make my dream a reality. Nearing the end of the 6th grade, I developed a crush on this guy. At lunch in the cafeteria, we were sitting beside his group of friends and he asked me to throw something in the trash as it was right beside me at the end of the cafeteria table. He called me this other girl’s name who was kind of chubby and wore weird clothes. I went home and cried. It was almost summer and I vowed to myself that I would lose 20 pounds. Mind you, I was not overweight, I was chubby but I WAS 11 YEARS OLD. Then it all hit me. All those times my parents commented about my weight. All those times, my relatives commented about my weight. Years of comments that didn’t bother me just hit me all at once. I hated myself and I was going to change the way that I looked no matter what. The summer before 7th grade, I ate nothing. In a day, I maybe at an apple and drank a glass of milk but nothing else. Instead of being concerned, my parents commended me on taking control of my “unhealthy” body. I went from 95ish pounds to 70 pounds. I still remember stepping on the scale before taking a shower on the day before school started. I thought I was so happy so so so so so happy. I wasn’t. I went to school and the boy I did this for didn't talk to me. I didn’t get to hang out with that group of girls. I couldn’t deal with this. I cried and cried. I begged my parents to switch my school and they did. Thinking back to that time in my life makes me cringe. I am 17 years old and going to be a senior in high school and still have an unhealthy relationship with food. I restrict for a few months and then eat junk for a few months. It didn’t only affect how I view myself but it affected how I view others. When I see people or photos of people on Instagram of VSCO, all I can think about is their weight. I see photos of my beautiful friends and all I can think is, “Her arms look super fat” or “Thunder thighs”. I would not dare say that out loud but what if I accidentally do. Everybody is beautiful and no one should have people make dumb judgements about them. I think I am beautiful but I am willing to change my lifestyle to make my body look and feel a certain way to help me be more okay in my skin. Let me try to explain it a different way: I see myself a certain way in my head, it is the body that I want achieve and will do it. I will not run myself dry but I will respect it and take care of it. My body is my home. If I get hurt and bleed, my body will create a scab and heal my skin. Even damaged house doesn’t do that. This update went in a million directions but I feel level headed and clear on what I want in my life. I haven't talked to anyone about my weight ever so it feels nice to think that someone is reading this.

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