#im working 2 jobs rn and its actually so TIRING

[ratt-pois0n]

i love my new job but i forgot how much i HATE working full time im going insane

[teruthecreator]

i have sleeping problems in a not-fun way. i have sleeping problems in a “i am probably going to get fired from my job if this keeps up but there’s nothing i can do about it” way.

[nomairuins]

how it feels to randomly get rly overwhelmed and frustrated and bitchy and feel like youre going insane

[innielove]

im gonna lose it over how 95% of marketing jobs i find want to employ people with 1-5 years experience, a drivers license, graphics design and video editing knowledge, probably with some programming knowledge, also you should have been born into an agency sucks to be you✌🏻

[doodlboy]

Hrm..

[29121996]

.

[be-good-to-bugs]

please PLEASE let this day be OVER NOW

[amaranthineinadream]

Extremely funny seeing posts from 2019 referring to my old roomie as the love of my life. Like lmao actually u ruined my life and are still ruining it and all I want is to get away from you.

[leeblissy]

......... trying so hard not to e-beg right now but its getting tiring

[antiradqueer]

To be honest I think it would be interesting if there were actual terms for things like "transcute" "transshy" or things like that because I feel like there are so many reasons why someone would want to have a certain personality that they don't have.

like for example (and that's definitely is not my own experience, never, how could it /j) someone with OCD or a personality disorder who feels like a "dirty" (immoral) person or is perceived that way but wishes they were seen and have a cuter personality, not just to be perceived as moral but because that is who that person should be and cannot do so due to disorders.

Of course, it is a very specific case and this term is not necessary at all, but I still see a cool use for a term like this. idk, I just think it would have some use that is not so bad as it is.

there is a term for it for people w/out disorders like that it its called "growing and changing as a person", its like the same as the trans-job n trans-artstyle and trans-fashion stuff, you dont need words for this kinda shit cus its literally just how shit works, you want a job, you want to learn to draw, etc. these arnt "trans" or "im transitioning" things. secondly the transcute stuff is definitely a self conscious thing, ive seen someone in our notes abt it iirc that talked abt transcute and transsmart etc. so if you see that post thats basically what i wanna say here.

the stuff for OCD or personality disorders i think labels like those shouldnt exist either bc to me that feels like its internalised ableism n hatered or straight up guilt over the people who demonise and hate people for those things, i dont think anyone with personality disorders or ocd or anything else should feel like that, i dont think terms for these things should exist because i feel it harms the one w/ the disorder and strengthens the people who think all of us are nutjobs who need to be locked in a hospital.

i can 100% see where youre comming from dont get me wrong. as someone whos got some ambiguous undiagnosed shit going on, people find me offputting, gross, strange, stupid, scary, and so on, for the ways that i act n the symptoms i show, i wish people saw past the symptoms and saw me differently, ofc you would want that to change and be perceived as nice or "normal" but i think it should be different because that fuels the hatered towards those things more, u shouldn't have to change or want to change because someone is making u guilty over something like OCD or a personality disorder. end of. you can feel guilty ofc, we all do, but we dont need to give in to what those people who want us to be "normal" or get chucked into a hospital til we are "normal" want.

thats just my 2 am just slept since like 6 pm brain tho lol, could word this far better but im too tired n just went through something today at school that i didnt think would happen ever in my life and i cant even get into on here but like yeah. take this rant with that little thought too, my brain is all kinds of exhausted rn...

[sol-the-otter]

tw. death, addiction

i dont normally make personal posts or anything but i kinda just needed a place to put all of my thoughts and current feelings.

i dont really know where or how to talk about this?

how do you approach your friends and say 'hey i dont know how i feel right now because i just found out that someone i care about just died.' but like. man im just not sure how i feel rn because i just found out that someone i care about just died. he was a good friend, but like. the kind of good friend that you worked with every day 8 hours a day 5 days a week so you knew everything about each other, but didnt actually hang out outside of work.

tho he did help me fix my motorcycle several times. and was supposed to again. and we were supposed to go riding at some point before i leave mass.

he also was one of the only ones at that job who ever got my pronouns right. he was definitely like. Cis Straight Man all the way but very much the epitome of "he's a little confused but he's got the spirit" he was an amazing boss. and he was the most lively and energetic person i've ever met. even if he was Real Weird about it.

he struggled with addiction heavily... last i knew he was straight sober... but they're pretty sure it was a overdose. which is how my mom died over a decade ago. which is entirely why i have some issues with like. heavy drinking and other such things.

but like. the world keeps turning, right? he was there one minute, and now he's not but like. thats just how it is?

i have a weird relationship with death and im uh. attempting to come to terms with this. like. i'm ok. im not .... sad(?) though i do think i might be in the future? like when i go to visit him at the butcher shop and he's just not there? ever again? fuck see, its weird, right? but like i'm *leaving* mass in 2 months. the chances of me ever seeing him again was minimal anyway. gods. processing.

but like if 2023 could fucking. stop for just a minute? give everyone a break? please? we're all tired ya'll.

[hamausagi]

YES IT IS LIKE THAT AND NOW I WANT ALL OF THEM FOR YOU TOO I AM EYES EMOJING U SO HARD RN

YAYAYAY I AM EYES EMOJING YOU TOO

What is your nickname?

i don't really have one these days, but i suppose jake or august are still two of my favorite names i go by ^^

When is your birthday?

10/21/03 <3

What was your longest relationship?

1 year and 2 months (ended) (thank god)

What is your favorite book?

six of crows - leigh bardugo !

What is something you're insecure about?

the way i speak LMAO i cringe so much hearing my own voice or hearing the things i say. i feel like im so socially awkward and i hate it so bad 😭😭😭

5 Male celebrity crushes

uhhhhhh i dont rlly keep up with celebs like at all anymore but i used to be literally head over heels for chris pine when i was younger HELP

5 Female celebrity crushes

ZENDAYA and maybe saorise ronan ???? (help me i dont rlly care abt celebs)

What is your dream job?

concept/character artist for a game company !!!! (and to make my own games) (which i am currently working on)

What do you consider your biggest accomplishment?

finding out about my dream college last september after literally never knowing about it prior (besides a friend making an offhand comment abt it in like. 2017 that i forgot abt), finishing a portfolio in less than 2 months, and getting accepted LMAO

What is a fact about you that nobody would believe?

i used to play indoor and outdoor soccer year round, my indoor team competed in a lot of big brackets for the state (i now play no sports and i can barely go up more than 2 flights of stairs or run more than a few meters without dying) (thank you asthma and anemia 💪)

What were your highs and lows for this last month?

highs: FINSHED MY FRESHMAN YEAR OF COLLEGE WAHOOOO passed all my classes 🔥 made some new friends :D (and regained some old)

lows: uhhhhh mental health struggles mostly

Where is somewhere you'd like to visit?

i reeeeeaaalllyyyy really wanna go to japan so bad. im literally japanese and ive never been there, and i have family there ive never met that i want to see

How do you de-stress?

sleeping, drawing, playing some games, bothering the bf, gams with friends (unless its helldivers) (then i am stressed more)

What are your favorite apps besides tumblr?

pinterest my beloved <3

Describe yourself in one sentence.

good intentions, but poor execution

What do you think makes you attractive?

uhhhhh i have big eyes, smallish waist ???? i really try and prioritize other people (help i rlly dont know how to answer this)

What is something you're really good at?

drawing :3

What is something you're really bad at?

cooking LOL (im trying to get better)

A time that you told a lie.

telling the kid in my prj group that it was okay after he apologized for being literally the worst group member i have ever worked with (he literally did NOTHING and almost cost us the project several times)

What's a totally random and useless fact that you know?

bearded dragons can puff their eyes out along with puffing their chins when they get scared or feel threatened (thanks to ron for scaring the absolute shit out of me one day) (i thought he was dying)

Who knows you the best?

either my bf or my irl best friend :3

What is your most prized possession?

a wooden box my dad mae me a really really long time ago. that or this little sterling silver flip flop necklace my grandpa gave me a few years before he died when i was a kid

What is your longest friendship?

with my irl bsf, been friends 13 years now

When did you first feel like an adult?

either when my dad finally started actually swearing when talking to me or when i changed my car's oil myself for the first time

Do you/ Have you played any sports?

played soccer for like 11 years and did archery for 5 :3

How are you feeling right now?

im really tired and my cramps are killing me 👍 but im chillin

Are you an early bird or a night owl?

night owl even tho i rlly wish i was an early bird so bad. no matter when i go to bed or how many hrs of sleep i get its so hard to wake up before 9 am bro

Do you believe in love at first sight?

for ocs? yes. irl? absolutely not

Favorite song lyrics right now?

literally loving all the lyrics in a feeling - whxami but more specifically i am thinking abt waiting room - phoebe bridgers "if you were a teacher, i would fail your class take it over and over til you noticed me if you were a waiting room, i would never see a doctor i would sit there with my first aid kit and bleed"

also saw a robin edit to espresso - sabrina carpenter and now my brain is IM WORKING LAAAAATEEEE CAUSE IM A SINGERRRRRRR

What does self care look like for you?

taking showers and making myself food. i hate actually taking showers but the post shower untainted clean feeling is so unmatched bro its the best

Describe yourself with 3 singers.

RONEN, wave to earth, and two door cinema club

What makes you nervous?

meeting friends of friends (meeting new people is fine but its scarier if someone i know is introducing me), going to people's houses that i don't know very well

What’s a pet peeve you have?

trying to talk to someone but getting dry ass responses or no response at all

What will always make you cry?

bro. those tiktoks that are like. "if you know yourself which one are you picking". oh my god. those destroy me so bad

What kind of first impression do you think you make on people?

i honestly have zero idea bro 😭😭 if im meeting people at school im probably a little overwhelming (im loud asf at school) but if like. im meeting my friends parents or my bfs friends. i am a ghost

[poohwhin]

woo life update #2 bc i have internet now & am not actually losing my mind.

HELLO ‼️ yeah like end of march/the entirety of april was quite literally the worst time of my life and i am very. tired. a hiatus was vv much needed. (plus i didnt have wifi anyways so its not like i could do much here even i wanted to.)

i’m still not back. bc things are still vv rocky. (& literally stressing myself to death for a month and a half has left me physically ill SKSKSKS). but here are some small things that’ve happened !

1): i don’t have a laptop anymore. so when i do eventually decide to come back art is gonna be in a very weird spot. (im using my mom’s ipad rn but i also dont have an apple pencil so drawing with a stylus is odd).

^ adding onto that point. i also scrapped everything i was working on beforehand. i had already backlogged myself, so having to start using a whole new device just gave me the push to scrap all the ideas i had, and refocus myself. (most of them were just gifts for friends & birthdays i missed. :( but its okay hopefully you guys will have more sksksk).

for the time being i think i’m just gonna be making things i feel like making. ever since i started on tumblr i’ve always treated it like a job bc ive always thought it was unfair to those who followed me, and it was seriously starting to diminish my love for certain things (especially as i got into more things like genshin n honkai; feeling like i had to make an absurd amount of content everyday so things seemed ‘fair’ really just tanked my mood). but after taking a month break i was like “yo these are my blogs i should just do what i want.” SO ‼️ virek is still around & i’m still working on him, but there isn’t any set schedule bc i like a lot of things rn, and am just only gonna work on him when i’m in the right mood 🫂 (i don’t wanna end up hating him)

2): i’ve gotten really into honkai star rail & am already close to doing everything there is to do. so now i have more old people in my arsenal to draw.

not much has happened besides me sleeping/gaming to distract from literally everything else going on in my life. so forgive me for my absence 🫶 but hopefully i’ll be doing a lot better when i come back <3 (again the hiatus was. much needed. bc anyone who speaks to me literally ever knows that i can never actually take a break. thankfully this time i was forced to <3. and still kinda am bc our wifi is kicking on and off still & is vv janky but ANYWAYS. ILY GUYS 🫶 GIVE ME LIKE ANOTHER HALF YEAR AND I’LL BE BACK AND NOT GOING INSANE /j)

[hangezoeenthusiast]

well hello anyone who is actually on tumblr and hasnt forgotten about me. ive been offline for a year or so, had personal issues in my life, and also started high school so i wanted to focus on that. life update:

- im in 10th grade now :)) high school isnt that bad and there actually isnt as much fights as there was in past years. also im in a lot of advanced classes now

- i got new friends, and dumped my old ones(they were toxic)

- got into some new fandoms(call of duty, genshin[sorta i barely tolerate some people, I just try to play the game without interacting with the fandom], tmnt[i’ve always loved it], and others that I can't rlly think about rn

- got my working permit today :D after new years I'm gonna look for a job

- well I figured out I'm trans now (f-t-m), after years of question my gender and making excuses, I'm also pansexual :)

- the name I want my legal name to be is kaisen(kai is just a nickname and I dont use j anymore)

- body image stuff, sucks to suck but I'm trying everyday, slowly

- i actually have a girlfriend, we have been together for 3 months, and known each other for around 1 or 2 years. We are long distance(she lives in another country), time zones suck, but we make it work. We also met on genshin, so i guess i owe the game for that.

- im teaching myself how to draw, and also have been reading a lot of books lately

- family life isnt the best, im not gonna elaborate, but i just try to ignore it

it seems like a dream with how i acted a year ago. i seemed way more immature than what i do act now. i was so innocent i guess you could say, and i guess you could also say that i was just figuring myself out. and as im sitting in my bed, listening to The Neighborhood, im reminiscing. i do miss the friends that i had before i dropped them, and i really wish that i didnt push everyone away whenever i was in a depressive episode, but its the past. if i cant get over the past i’ll never be able to move on into the future. im just so glad that past me could get that experience of exploring themselves and meeting new people. also i was very very cringey i realize now, i feel like i was acting a sort of way to get recognition from people.

well anyways i dont think i’ll be writing anything anytime soon, i dont feel the passion i used to back then. maybe someday, but not today, and not the next. also thank you for 300 followers, that might not seem alot compared to other people, but it is for me. also thank you for all the support with the dsmp stuff even tho i stopped writing about them. i rlly didnt expect my stuff to blow up like that :))

well signing off:

kaisen(kai), have a fantastic day/night 😊

(ps: ive never deleted tumblr, and i was reading fanfics on here, i just was being lazy and didnt feel like responding to messages and updating my profile 😉 so to all the people who commented on my posts, i wasnt ignoring u, im too tired and my brain cells are the equivalent of 1 at the moment, but i’ll try to respond)

[skyburger]

ok sorry this post will be in green text because i set my tumblr to dark mode but the app just kind of sucks and doesnt work because i never update it anyway everythibg reads fine but in the post editor the text is the exact same color as the background unless i change it to another color (like green for instamce). thsts why i have it set to light mode usually but its dark in hereee and im tireddd but i had something to say anyway that probably took longer tp say than my actual point. my actual point or not even a point just a think i thunk. Ok so im watching markipliers fnaf3 revisit i put it on to fall asleep to theyre good background noise for me. but yeah im watching that rn and i got reminded of my really minor fnaf headcanon that phone dude is just phone guys son. like i dont have any reason for this beyond its fun but why would i need another reason tbf! also kind of fucked up to think that w/ this hc PD (phone dude) found those old training cassettes PG (phone guy) did and is like yoooo sick as hell like he just doesnt know hes related 2 that dude. i dont think thats dramatic enough to be dramatic irony but not ironic enough to be just irony on its own and im not letting myself look this up bevause i Wil get more distracted than i already have. u know wat i mean hopefully. oh also other small thought i thinked (and i think every time i listen to the night 2 phone call( is that its really funny to hear scott cawthon voice phone dude and say the cassettes they found are "like, prehistoric, dude!" even though hes definitely old enough to have used cassettes LOL i just always think like. Man is that how he imagines kids these days (im lacking better phrasing rn soz) because the worst part is thsts pretty accurate. he did a ver good job playing this younger dude (i dont have an adjective to describe pd other yhan like hes a very dude-y dude) does this make sense i feel like im phrasing this terribly. im not trying to sound mean to people over the age of like forty i swear my point is just like so often if anyone older tries to act like this it comes off as very How do you do fellow kids like do u know ehst j mean. im not saying mr. cawthons like less than ten minutes of phone dude dialogue is the pinnacle of this im just saying its simple amd fun and works 2 me. i like phone guy i think most every fnaf fan likes him but i like phone dude a lot also possibly a little more. my guy didnt do shit besides letting springtrap loose like bro was just really invested in his deprecated fazbear haunted house place hes not up on all the lore... i wonder what he did after fnaf3 maybe hes in like a travelling scary circus(???) and/or a spirit halloween employee. probably like a reddit mod but i dont mean yhat meanly i just think hes moderating a kinda small sub for some nicher horror thing hes just chilling dude. maybe hes a youtuber for like tech disassembly modding whatever. i think he has a modded nintendo wii maybe he really likes mario kart who knows. ick whzt im on about now im tired as fuckkkk but my last thinked think was just i like 2 think pg's name is scott for obvious reasons but i like yo think pd, in my headcanon where hes pg's son, is slso cslled scott hes scott jr. hea definitely called scotty though as a nickname bro is suchhh a scotty it fits him dontcha think... anyway im strucvling to stay swake to ramble but i love to ramble to stay awake its some paradox shit (mot really) but yrs my point was im going 2 sleep now goodnight FORVER'!!!!!!!! or juzt until i wake up tomorroaw. baiiiiii

[strawberryseeded]

veryveeeeeeeery personal vent :P

2day a had a HUGE breakdown ….ha.ha… of course it was abt my job. n my health.

i got out of work (after one of the WORST days in a long time) TEAR EYED n sniffling like stupid. started walking 2 get off sum steam .or something. walked (sobbing) til reaching the more commercial street n was like i deserve smt nice !! so i bought some air-dry clay. sobbed inside the store also (trying rly hard to actually keep my cool. it just was impossible). but got the clay. yay. got out n sobbed some more while walking. saw sum cute tees on a store window. thought i deserve this too !!!! is the money worth it if i feel like this????? no way in hell!!!!!!!!!!! but im Trying to make it worth it!!!!! rly cute tees btw, i ended up buying both of them 👍they were soooo cheap<3 *sobbing again as i write this! * *

pics of the tees :)

i actually couldnt find a pic of the chocolate one but its similar to the one i put here. just cooler(?)

anyways

when i got home 4 the 1st time i vented 2 my friends abt part of it, how tired and worried i was n they immediatly were like brother this is clearly somatization at play..,n i was likee hehe yeah maybe :P *keeps crying *

my mom got home sum hrs later, i broke down in front of her as wellll.......i was like mom this isnt normal this yr i got sick SIX TIMES since i started working, one time after another. i hv NEVER gotten sick so many times before tell me im not crazy n you are thinking the same as i am. she was like what do you mean. i answered MY JOB my job its getting me sick. she said you dont know that. maybe they arent related you werent sick last year and you had the same job. and what are you gonna do if not this, anyways? have you thought about it? i said No (crying) bc i HAD thought abt it, several times since last yr, but absolutely NOTHING has come to mind since then. which is the important part & what she was asking anyways.

i told her im not asking you to fully support me until i find another job. i just need you to agree with me that this isnt NORMAL.

her: you need to go to the clinic. get some studies done. go to therapy. then we'll talk. you can't quit your job, what are you gonna do in the meantime?

me: i dont Know!!! that's whats freaking me OUT!!! * SOBS AND SOBS*

her: well then TAKE THE NECESSARY STEPS to know what are you gonna do!

me: i get it but i can't stand to keep getting sick anymore!!

in the end we both went to the farmacy n she bought me a shitton of vitamins and cough syrup etc etc.

sighs.

idk

im so lost. i was so set on "enduring and search for smt else in the meanwhile".. it seemed like the perfect plan!!! but apparently the enduring part was... way harder than what i expected? (as u can see the search. did not bear fruits) which makes me feel really really pathetic ;_;

in general my job makes me feel rly pathetic and vulnerable and like im not cut for it!!! (and keep in mind i went to SCHOOL for it. it was my choosen career!!!) that's why everytime i talk abt it here im so vague abt it n just say i hate it or that it tires me out a lot, or that im gonna kms one of these days(lol) . irl its kinda the same i just try to sound more positive and like im a normal, functional member of society even tho i dont feel like that At all. bc if I dont its just SAD.

where was i going w this....

god. idk. i just. i fantasize everyday abt quitting. everyday. but i just cant. i feel so alone and useless, both when im working and also off the clock bc i just cant help but drag with me everything i think & feel abt the "worker me" everywhere i go.

wouldnt want anyone i love to ever feel this way.

anyways. u hv NO IDEA how much my eyes sting rn, they hv all day. idk if its bc i cried so much.. also im still sick so im rly rly tired..:( so im just gonna stop now.

i still have hope and dreams, despite it all! i just hv 2 yet find the way to turn them into reality.