#doing nothing and now my mental and physical health is the worst its ever been combined with terrible financial situation...

[amaranthineinadream]

Extremely funny seeing posts from 2019 referring to my old roomie as the love of my life. Like lmao actually u ruined my life and are still ruining it and all I want is to get away from you.

[coffeandgum]

right now, I am about to make you quit eating junk food forever.

(tw kinda meanspo)

After watching these videos, can still eat this trash disguised as food? do you still dare?

if you do, then don't wonder why you feel like trash all day, binge and gain weight..

like come on, stop being an idiot. have you ever wondered why you just cant stop reaching out for these specific foods? why your cravings just don’t seem to go away no matter how much you try? why it feels like you’re being controlled?

well here’s the answer: you are literally being controlled, and you fell into the trap that most people fall into.

these foods are designed to alter the way your brain works, as shown in the first video. you cant even think right anymore! they will turn you into a mindless robot that works for these companies and helps them gain more money. you are a slave to them, it's pathetic.

I’ve been powerless to food my entire life. in the past, almost every single day ended up in a binge. I felt stuck, hopeless, and it seemed like no matter what i did, nothing would change, because I fell back into my old habits as soon as I decided to get rid of them. so I would get depressed, binge on trash like ice cream, chocolate bars, pizza, and believe me, i would take in 5000+ calories a day, not even joking. then, i feel like trash, i decide to start again, fail, go back to the trash, and the cycle goes on. i didn't know what was wrong with me.

but I broke the cycle, and you can too.

I’ve been trash free for more than half a year and I have never felt better, physically and mentally. my diet consists of clean food only, and i dont miss the ultra processed bullshit, not one bit. i would rather die than have it enter my body ever again. and to sum it up:

I’ve lost more than 12kg while eating the same amounts, even more, but of course I take in VERY less calories.

My mental health issues disappeared, I’m not even joking. last year I was diagnosed with adhd, ocd and anxiety disorder. even my psychiatrist is impressed because I was in such a bad place at that time, and I managed to heal on my own, just by fixing my habits and diet.

I don’t remember the last time i binged. and when i did, it wasn’t even a “huge” binge, i ate a maximum of 2000cal (my maintenance calories), because i was binging on fruits and veggies, so i wasn’t even gaining even on my worst days.

It has never been easier to say no to food. I have control because i am aware of what I want inside my body.

my body is more toned and my blood tests show significant improvement. my skin, hair and nails are healthier and better looking.

I rarely crave unhealthy foods. i said rarely because sometimes during my period i get some cravings, but they dont feel as strong as before. and if i craved anything at all, it would be something like a fruit. i literally prefer fruits over any dessert because they taste better to me. it feels like my taste buds are rejecting the processed foods and added sugar. like my taste buds are so used to real sweetness like fruit, that when i eat something like a chocolate bar, its always a disappointment, because it doesnt taste as good as i imagined it to be! its almost crazy.

there’s no secret. just quit throwing trash in your body. feed it what it actually needs. pairing good nutrition with consistent workout is the best thing you can do to yourself. it will literally heal you inside out and you will fix your broken brain, that has been ruined by the junk you’ve been eating.

clean your food, clean your body. it's time to be aware!

if you have any questions or need advice, feel free to ask, id be happy to help. <3

[mcalhenwrites]

I am still alive but have no spoons to directly reply to anyone right now. I'm working on stuff with roommate and therapy, but... unless the money situation improves, my life won't. There are no good days to return to. The problem is, I have a collective 39 years that have added to nothing. And I have still tried to be optimistic. To work through the chronic pain to write, work, and be there for my friends when they need me. (But it all gets harder the more time that passes.) When people still say I'm a good friend, I'm baffled. I don't see it. My writing isn't working out. I need it to, or I will not survive financially, and it just seems a little cruel to ask me to hold out and hold out for something that's never going to happen - all so I can die the hardest possible way in the end, bc I fought like hell to still be at the bottom. I'm not currently suicidal, but I'm pretty much just going day-by-day, trying to find improvements and realizing it all comes down to the same issue: I have no money. And the issue isn't "fix health to work more at a job that isn't writing" - I can manage fibromyalgia and IBS, and the latter costs money to obtain the correct food to do so. I qualify for medicaid; I don't qualify for food assistance now that I work a job! I quit crochet and people threw a tantrum, and if you want to see my self-defensive "I CANNOT DO THIS AND WILL NOT AND FUCK OFF" as a tantrum... go ahead. I do not give a fuck. I love writing. I did it even when I knew it was awful, bc I figured the more I did it, the more I would improve. I worked hard. It just isn't good enough for the world. That's okay. I have always been a loser at everything. Everything ties back to writing: I need to do it for my comfort and therapy. I want my stories out there bc I want to be able to offer other people that comfort. Too many of us come from abusive households, and some of us had it shape our mental health and our sexualities. I need to publish to make money to survive, bc I can write while bedridden. I can write while most of my body is sore and my eyes are half-closed and I'm bored but unable to play games or read or clean or anything else due to physical pain/exhaustion. (And yes, there are times writing is also impossible, and I'm crying in bed bc of the pain intensity levels.) Unless you have a chronic pain issue coupled with comorbidities, I don't want your lectures or assumptions. I don't want to hear that there is "help" while I watched the system try to push my autistic brother into a goodwill job that falls below min wage, and when he wasn't able to handle the responsibilities, they've basically refused to help him otherwise. Even though my brother is capable of many things, he is "disabled" in the system, and they want to insert him into a fixed situation they put all disabled people. I'm doing better than him financially, but when my parents go, he has no one. And I can't be that person, ever. I can't even get my dog back right now. I can barely afford to visit him, but I'm going to anyway soon bc I need to hug him or I really will fucking off myself. I need a lot of support to get my writing off the ground, and I'm never going to deserve it. If I did, it would have happened by now. My roommate wants me to keep trying, but... I don't have hope it'll work out. Right now, I'm so overworked I can barely get any writing done. And I'm working about 15 hours a week. At a low-demand job where I sit most of the time, and cleaning maybe takes 40 minutes at its WORST. Yeah. I'm pathetic indeed. I can't help but feel that way. And when I give myself a little treat to survive the next day, it's at a steep cost to my future. I can buy a book and go to the library, but at the end of the day, that's all time and money that should have been spent on work and saving. Life is punishing, and I just don't know if I can keep being punished. I'm not even this kind of masochist lol

[smileymoth]

"Go to the gym start exercising itll make you feel better and itll be good for your mental health" okay great so why am i the worst ive ever been when im actively going to the gym now.

Its also bad that i gen feel like i am a horrible person because i want to make myself sick. Why? I dont know. It has no benefits for me. I want to ruin my physical health by starving myself but i cant do it because unfortunately i am too hungry to do that and i love sugar and if it doesnt work then i did it all for nothing beside highering my risks of dying at 30 because thats when the body starts to break down fast when you dont get your health in check. I feel like an awful person for wanting to be skinny. I hate it i wish i could die already

[mechwife]

Talking about life stuff ig

Married life has been wonderful so far. im so happy i can call my boyfriend my husband now and he’s so sweet and caring and protective. I know we’re happy and I feel incredibly blessed.

It’s been hard though. Not being married, but other stuff. My uncle passing away left a huge void in my chest and it still hurts, ive been thinking about him every day and I know my other family members have been too. It still feels surreal.

i think the news of his passing and stress kicked me over the edge. I threw up blackish stuff and my stomach hurts a lot when i experience even a little stress or anxiety.

i saw my doctor and she said it’s either a stomach ulcer or im pregnant. i kind of doubt im pregnant yet, but there’s nothing wrong with being mindful. im pretty sure it’s an ulcer though, ive read up on symptoms and they make a lot of sense with how ive been feeling physically.

im on some (more) meds and my doctor said they’re chemo grade painkillers. They taste awful. They do help my tummy though, which is nice.

i feel like im still picking up pieces from my uncles passing. i feel like im trying to learn how to accept that he’s gone and it’s so hard. ive never experienced the death of someone close to me before, so i guess im devastated. I’ve never felt like this in my life except for losing pets.

im remembering more traumatic crap from my horrific childhood. its hard trying to take care of adult responsibilities when both my mental and physical health isn’t the best right now. i know its not the worst thing ever to deal with, but i guess its new and unpleasant territory so navigating things has been difficult.

i really wanna make more art and create stuff. i sprained my left (non dominant) arm so i couldn’t even practice drawing with that arm lol.

On the upside, my cousin who went to art school was around for our uncles funeral said my left handed drawings are improving, and my sibling said im improving rapidly. so that’s cool. i kinda hope i can learn how to draw better with my left hand than i do my dominant hand. It would be funny.

anyways. it’s been a lot and busy.

[jackienautism]

that sibling post erupted something within me actually sorry

vent

i was feeling soo much worse lik 10 minites ago but the feeling still lingers esp thinking abt how my brother is going to be moving out (most likely) for college next yuear and its just auuhg..bauuuhghh...

i want to get out of here so fucking much. i understand that i have it FAR FROM the worst but good god. good fucking god. i camntt take this shit anymore. all my friends from highschool dont gaf anymore. everyone is moving on without me. even if they say theyll keeo in touch they never actualyl fucking do. im just stuck here. im stuck. im forever stuck in this fuckass town int hsi fuckass house. i just want ot get the fuck out of here

but i CANT bc i cant drive and im so dependent on my parents still. i dont think id physically be able to move out and leave and live on ym own. i just dont think i can. id fucking just die. college isnt a n option for me. my mental health dropped so fucking low my senior year and in college my grades will actualyl mean something again. and i just cant let that happen. i cant. i cant let my depression ge tin the way of something so important. but the thing is. nothing is getting better. inm still in the sam eplace i was how ever many years ago and im tired. im so tired.

im just. im so doomed.i m doomed in everything i do. i wont be ableto live on my own. and i wont be able to drive. and if i did? i dont want to an intrusrive thought or urge or whatever to overtake my body adn get myself or someone else killed. i just can't. i cant do it. but in order to actually fucking live i need to drive and im so fucking tired. esp in the place i lvie now. in order to do literally anything i need to drive. and everyone on the road is so goddamn mean over here. my anxiety would just hinder me if something else doesnt

i just. i want to move ot hawaii w/ my grandparrents or around my grandparetns so fucking bad. i just need to get away from this place. i need to get out of here. i need to get out.

i need to get away from the place ive waasted 20 years of my life. i need a new start. i dont have anything here anymore. i dont fucking care if i leave some friends behind. theyll live. and besides. theyve been doing a pretty damn fine without me anyway. my job just tires me the fuck out. i dont care for this fucking town. all ive ever felt was out of place. atlteast in hawaii ill feel like a belong that much more. but even then. being mixed white and all. ill still feel it. but its much better than being fucking here.

i just want ot leave this town behind. to leave everything i once calledhome behind. bc it never actually felt like a home.

i just wan tot move. i want to get thr fuck out o fhere.

i feel like im never goignt o get out of this place. and yet my brother can. and will. and im just. i cant. i cant.

[cryptidsurveys]

Saturday, November 2nd, 2024.

What do you hope you grow out of? Unwarranted self-doubt and feelings of inferiority, social awkwardness, and taking criticism or mistakes too much to heart. My mindset has changed a lot over the last year(ish), but I still have some work to do. Certain employees at the animal shelter (one past and one still present) really made me challenge those beliefs by being the externalized versions of my fears. It was either give in to what (I believed) they thought, or push back and recognize that their opinions might not be entirely accurate. And now, with the new cattery staff, it's about letting my guard down and allowing myself to feel valued by people who actually think well of me.

What is the healthiest and unhealthiest thing you do on a regular basis? The healthiest thing is probably volunteering. It's like a social, mental, and physical boot camp. It's forced me to prioritize other healthy habits in order to keep up with its demands (eating well, sleeping well, time management, keeping on top of my mental health/coping mechanisms, overall consistency/routine, etc). Without it, I don't think I would have grown as much as I have. Everything I learned up until that point was nothing more than "theory," whereas now it's grounded in practice and reality. As for the unhealthiest things, probably smoking and needless worrying/overthinking.

When looking for a SO, what three things are most important (besides looks)? Open and honest communication, the ability to trust each other, and respect for each other as individuals.

How much do you judge a person by their appearance? Not that much…? It's kind of a difficult thing to quantify. Like, it's not "zero," but it's definitely not the main factor. Especially after getting to know someone, I don't even really see their appearance, but their personality instead.

What is the most embarrassing thing you own? My old journals. I would die if anyone got their hands on those. Heck, I might even die if I read them…which makes me wonder why I bother keeping them around because it certainly isn't for the memories. ;D

What is the strangest habit you have? Maybe daydreaming about certain things/fictional people.

What movie made you cry the most? I never really cried over movies until relatively recently. Wild Robot made me tear up quite a bit.

What was one of the happiest moments of your childhood? I can't think of a stand-alone moment. It's more of a collection of vignettes - holidays, snow days, camping trips, sleepovers, pizza + movie nights, hanging out at the park or roaming the neighborhood on my bike…

What was the worst date that you’ve ever been on? I've never been on a particularly bad date.

What’s your favorite vacation memory from when you were a child? We really only went on one big vacation - a trip to California for my dad's best friend's wedding when I was 11. We stayed in San Francisco for a few days, then San Jose where the wedding was held, and on the last full day, we went to a beach (the name of which I have now forgotten). My favorite part was probably the beach.

What impression do you try to give when you first meet someone? These days, most of the people I meet are in the context of the animal shelter, so I try to come across as helpful, friendly, and easygoing. My shyness probably gets in the way of that, but hopefully I succeed to some extent.

Who or what inspires you to be a better person? Again, people at the shelter. I'm kind of rolling a handful of personalities into one here, but I admire their steadfastness, positive attitudes, leadership abilities, sense of humor, social savvy, etc. They don't know it, but in a lot of ways they're my model for how to become a "proper adult." Like, if so-and-so can get up and do this day after day, then there's no reason I can't learn how to do it too.

What’s the TLDR description of your last relationship? Unstable, unhealthy, very "on again/off again," very "hot and cold." Like a bonfire that would flare up only to die down just as quickly.

If you found out your current life has been just a dream, would you choose to wake up? (You don’t know if your real life would be better or worse.) Maaaybe… One thing about my dreams is that they're often a darker, more dramatic, and warped version of reality. Like my various "anxiety" dreams - almost nothing is that bad IRL. So, based on that, if I'm dreaming now, then my hypothesis would be that my true waking life would be somewhat better. But who knows. It's giving "portal" vibes and y'all know I'm not about to go through a portal.

What dumb thing did you believe for a really long time? It's a toss-up between certain conspiracy theories and characters like Santa and the Easter Bunny.

What are some things you would you like to achieve before you die? I don't really have any grand ambitions. I just want to be able to support myself and live a simple, comfortable life. I would also like to know what life is like without an eating disorder.

Where would you like to retire? I honestly haven't given much thought to my retirement.

What brings you the most joy in life? My loved ones (cats included), volunteering, nature, my favorite YouTubers/podcasters, delicious foods, creative expression, the whole holiday season, etc.

What is the best and worst part of your personality? Best - I'm fairly understanding and considerate, I have a good sense of humor, I like making other people feel good/feel seen, I'm helpful, etc. Worst - I can be irritable when stressed, tired, or hungry, I'm a little too drawn to drama/gossip, I can be selfish/needy, etc.

How would your perfect partner treat you? Ughhh. I'm gonna go make lunch now, lmao.

[think-it-through]

hello tumblr. here i am w another thit in ur face.

today s topic.

my mental instability, diagnoses, and other such beautiful things. but mostly, me, breaking down.

why is it so goddamn hard to get an evaluation when you need one. i need one because i am in a horrible mental state and have been in a similar state mkst of my life and then IT ALSO. heightened. so much in the past year.

one year ago i was quite happy. happiest ive ever been even. i met my partner, i was doing great at school. i had a good relationship with myself.

also one year ago in a week from now. exactly a week since today. is when my grandpa passed away and then it all went to shit!!! my health (physical) my health (mental) my relationship with myself (quaking) my trust in my ability to perform well professionally (currently invisible and yet still somehow present).

in the process of this horrible fall i found out one of my parents has previously been in a mental health hospital and the other one has a diagnosis. HA! who would've thought!!! NOT ME. because god forbid they taught me how they cope with their mental health nono.

the coping is "don't stress" and "crying won't solve anything" and "you'll grow out of it". WELL. GUESS WHAT MUM. i grew INTO IT.

phew. it feels weird to put all this in a positivity blog but it is my blog and i love it and positivity helps cus YES. LOVE PREVAILS. BUT IT DOES NOT NEGATE THE STRUGGLE AND THE BAD. it can still struggle while loved.

and i really. really. want to be better. so bad. sosososososoosososo bad. however! :( however! it has not been working. a self care shower and cutting my nails does nkt help. crying every day does not help. writing from time to time does not help. it helps. but it doesn't take away the pain in my chest, my urge to randomly do very bad things to myself, my fear of the future and my fear of everything. my fear of what people think of me when i am not mentally healthy. my fear ill be stuck in this. my fear ill be just like my father. my fear that I will end up doing all those bad things to myself. my fear that i wjll be a good for nothing living off of my parents mlney. my exhaustion with every daily task. my sleep issues.

but, most of all. nothing takes away the pain in my chest and my confidence that i am not a good person. that i am not capable. that i am abnormal. that i dont do enough. that i dont try enough. that i am a spoiled brat good for nothing fake nice person.

which? wtf what bad person would be so genuinely preoccupied and eaten the fuck up about being a good person. and not in a "performative activism" way but in a. i need to help make the fucked up world better. i need to. i have to. i want to. but am i doing enough. am i. am i? am i????

-

i.. idk! let me try and be grateful. i love my family. i love my partner. i love my friends. i did so much this year that i really thought I would not be able to do and i did it pretty damn good while also trying to not overwork myself. i. did my best. with my best intentions for myself and everyone. so. yeah. isn't that all i can do? what more do i want from myself?

i just. i think so much. so much. bit ironic since this blog is called think-it-through. but its in a sense of thinking it through when u see bad stuff. weighing in the good stuff. or idk. i didnt think that much when i did choose it.

it's going to be okay. not everything is my responsibility. nothing is in my control actually. i am safe for today no matter what decisions i take and what things i can do. sometimes(always) stuff like being sleepy, depressed anxious and procrastinating is NOT a decision. it is not. i need to give myself a break.

i have literally been growing (typo from going. but truly I've been growing) through the worst of my life in the last 12 months, back to back. whatever way i perform. it is understandable. i need to stop aiming so high. (and yet not actually specifically aiming anywhere because im scared of choosing a career choice) but. yeah. i need to stop pressuring myself to aim high in every micromanaged thing.

as someone told me "everything ure scared of, someone is profiting off of." and fuck off. fuck off. to that i say. i will grow and learn to live acting out of love only. and not fear.

i deserve love. everything deserves love. i am kind and good just because i want to be. i am okay and i am going to be ok until im not and then ill figure it out. im not going through something easy but i have support, resources and motivation to get better.

and you do too. good luck. u can do it.

[mypsychoticmoodboard]

April 6th, 2024

I often think about the Ernest Hemingway quote, "There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a type writer and bleed." And I do think that is the easy part. It is when you get to the point where you are trying to make sense of all of that bleeding where it gets messy. The words will come out, but they do not always make sense. That is where I am at right now.

I am 375 pages into a novel that I have been working on for the better part of 9 years now. Since it was written throughout the years, some of the writing is out of touch with who I am now, and since I never took the time to really read it through in its entirety until now, I am finding that there are plot holes that need filling. This weekend was the perfect opportunity for me to take some time to fill those plot holes, but I just do not have the bandwidth right now.

And these changes are happening slowly. I am taking the time to write for maybe an hour or so a day, and over time it will get done. I took a step back to take the pressure off of myself, but I was just born with a 'too much' gene. I want to throw myself into it. Get lost. Do nothing but write, edit, and polish this thing. All the while, I am feeling like I need to stand back and get some perspective. So I am going with the original plan. Have fun. Take my time. It will be done when it is done.

I am trying to get better about trusting in the process too. I am just such a control freak. I want to know all of the pesky details, so I can try to micromanage them.

On another note, I am feeling the pressure at work. I hate my job, and there is no other way around it. I try to be nice and say that I like the people I work with. I do not. I would not be friends with any of them in my personal life. They make my job way more complicated than it needs to be with their inability to make decisions quickly. And it has been eating at me slowly for some years now. Years.

If I had it my way, my full time job would be writing. Just writing. I feel entitled to that too. Why am I not being given the opportunity to have that? And the thing is, that I will, just not now. But like I said, at my core I am an impatient control freak. I want it to happen on my time, and that time is now.

Me leaving this job has to be timed correctly too. I keep seeing videos of people being like "no job is worth your mental health". All the while that is true, I also need to make a living. I like living in a nice apartment, and I like being able to pay my bills. Hopefully I am teaching myself some grit by staying with this bogus job for the time being.

I am going on vacation at the end of May, so I am waiting for that to be over with, and then I am giving myself the permission to leave. That is when I will begin my quest into really looking into new jobs. My next frontier is out there, and I will find it. It is just looking a little stormy right now.

(***Self harm trigger warning***)

On a last and more morbid note, when I am finding that I am getting very sad, I am feeling the urge to hurt myself again. I used to cut myself for a few years, and it was a way that I could get my aggression and sadness out. And the worst part of it all, is that I liked it. I liked cleaning up the blood afterward, and I liked how the cuts burned in the shower afterward. It felt like the manifestation of my mental pain in the physical realm. It was putting a name to the face.

I will never, ever go back to that. And that I know for sure, but to have those urges come up makes me realize that those pesky thoughts will linger until the end of time. You never really officially get over anything; it just becomes easier to deal with.

And I have just been thinking about it more because I have been getting quite a few tattoos within the last 6 months, and the sensation is similar but not the same to cutting myself. And I like it. But at least with this, I am getting art on my body instead of scars that take years to fade, but never even go away completely.

This was long-winded, but it just feels like I am standing at the precipice of change. I am no longer fighting the winds of change. I am going to let them carry me--the best that I can.

[soildmud]

yalllll my gf just bought me bg3 today and i was so excited because its been on my wishlist for like ever and stuff so as soon as it allowed me to i started installing/downloading it—IT TOOK THREE FUCKING HOURS!!!!!! BECAUSE I’M POOR AND CAN’T GET SHIT TO OPTIMISE DOWNLOAD TIMES!!!!!!

but the worst part of it all….IT WON’T OPEN. it stopped responding every time i tried to open it up (i’m a mac user so i am already at a disadvantage) so i desperately look online as to what i have to do and according to steam i have to Verify File Integrity which i thought they were supposed to do after everything downloads, hence why it took 3 hours, because it took an extra hour to verify everything—but apparently there might be a file corruption or something idk i’m just a girl i know nothing about these things. BUT GET THIS: THE FILE VERIFICATION IS GOING TAKE OVER 24 HOURS TO COMPLETE. oh my god. why did i choose to quit my job and not save for a Real computer. why did i not ask for that for christmas. (no one had the money to buy one, that’s why—which is fine, i have never asked for anything expensive for christmas) WHY DID I HAVE TO GET ATTACHED TO BIG HUMONGOUS FUCKING GAMES THAT KILL MY LAPTOP!!!!!!!!!

i am usually a patient person yknow. i have willingly gone on 3 day nonstop car rides with my family of mentally unwell and untreated people. i have gone through almost 12 years of american public education without ever asking for accommodations to my crippling mental illnesses or deteriorating health. i have done hour long layovers while sick from anxiety and stress in airports full of stressful stimuli. i have gone thru a lot. but this was the straw that broke the camel’s back i think. as soon as i saw the number fluctuate between 22 to 1D 8hrs i just about cried. i felt defeated. i nearly threw a tantrum like a toddler because of this. i wanted to start pulling my hair out of my head and furiously scratch my skin until it bled out of pure and unbridled rage and frustration. (i am probably autistic and i think someone told me this could be a meltdown???) but i only merely grabbed my hair very harshly and started hyperventilating for a couple minutes before i sat down on my bed and started doing eye makeup. why??? idk.

all this is to say i am not happy with BG3 right now, even though the issue is not all with the game, but the fact that i am attempting to play it on a heavily aged macbook air that definitely was not made for playing anything above coolmathgames.com. my spring break is nearly over. i have like three days left. i just want to enjoy my freedom a little longer by making my little OC in this game and then putting them through The Horrors. i will update you all later, it is now 4:08AM and i have not slept for almost 24 hours. i feel sick to my stomach and my head hurts, but i think it’s because i made the foolish mistake of drinking about 20oz of coffee (which didn’t even taste good btw, because i had to make the coffee with a creamer that Wasnt my beloved oat milk creamer—i cannot enjoy my coffee if it is not made with the oat milk creamer. nothing else will suffice.) and then proceeded to make four different rainbow loom bracelets (i just bought the monstertail loom after debating whether or not i should) in rapid succession without breaks. i also watched eight episodes (maybe more) of the watcher podcast, because the coffee gave me extreme anxiety to the point where i had to carry scissors with me every time i left my bedroom because i was convinced there was someone in my apartment (but what would scissors have done??? i am incredibly out of shape and have never even fought another human being physically since i was under the age of 10) and the scissors were the only thing that would make me feel safer. and my phone in case i could hide and call 911.

sorry for the brain dump i am just incredibly sleep deprived and am waiting for my wife’s return from work—which should be soon! which means i’ll be okay and no longer anxious or stressed. SEE YOU LATER GUYS MIGHT DELETE THIS BUT IDK !!!!! SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON MY DOWNWARD SPIRAL!!!!!!!

[life-with-geo]

January 8th

Hi, I’m back (almost started with hi guys, then remembered I have no followers lmao). It's been a week since I posted last, and I think I'm going to start posting every Sunday at 9:30 PM, essentially right before I go to bed. To be honest I don't know how long I’m going to be able to keep that schedule up, I might be taking on too much, but hey, we shall see, things change all the time. 

In the week thats passed, not too much has happened. School started back up on the second, unfortunately, and I’m already drained. Ever since my visit to the hospital, everything is so much more draining than before. I hope eventually I’m able to pick myself back up from this burnout, but apparently, the time it takes to recover from burnout is about 3-5 years. I don't have 3-5 years to heal from all this lol. 

We had a project due the day after we came back to my AP Lit class, our personal portfolio. I had a lot of fun writing it over the semester, but I also hated it. It took me through a lot of emotions and lore related to my past. I talked about my mom, my most recent failed relationship, and my failed friendships, all of which made me sad. I also talked about my grandma though, and my wonderful stepmom, so I think overall it kinda works out in a way. I think the worst part was putting the pictures into the binder. Pictures of my biological mom (you'll hear about her eventually) as well as pictures of my grandma. I may have been a little petty and attacked my ex in the portfolio, which is funny considering hes in that class and everyone can read them. I wonder if he will approach me about it, I doubt it, he's kind of a coward. 

On a much more positive note, things have become slightly more serious with this guy I’m talking to. Some might say it is FAR too soon to be talking to another guy fresh out of a relationship, but it’s been over a month now since the last one, and I’m too much of an all-or-nothing person to be hurt by one guy for too long. Or girl. I just struggle with attachment stuff. ANYWAYS. He’s way different than any guy I've ever talked to, and tbh, its refreshing. He's kind and gentle, but also ambitious and driven. It's something I've always wanted in a partner. I really hope it goes somewhere because he is genuinely so amazing lol. 

This week in the mental health section we have…journaling. Now I know a lot of people just say journal to get your feelings out there but people don't actually talk about the psychology behind journaling, the benefits of it, and WHY it helps. I know this is a pretty basic thing to talk about but its my first post with this little section added so bear with me, it's fine. 

There are a lot of different ways to journal and different kinds of journaling, and it really doesn't matter which one you do, it varies on your needs and what you’re trying to prioritize. I personally bullet journal and have another separate journal for my thoughts and feelings. So a lot of people wonder how journaling can actually be beneficial and I did a lil bit of research and fouuuuund… depending on the kind of journaling you do, it can be either just a release of emotions, it can help track symptoms of mental illness (or physical illness if you suffer from medical conditions, you can track if it’s getting worse or not, especially helpful in cases of people with chronic illness, but again, it varies person to person). Journaling can even help to identify negative self-talk that you may do unknowingly, and you can put in the work to change those negative thoughts into something positive. (All of this information is from a study posted by the University of Rochester Medical Center).

So to focus on the benefits of regular (“regular”) journaling, I’m mostly just going to talk about how it can be done and what to recognize in your journal entries (ITS ALWAYS HELPFUL TO GO BACK AND REREAD THEM EVEN IF IT HURTS, you can see how far you've come, and see what’s changed and whats benefited you throughout your writing journey). Journaling can be instrumental in the progression towards certain goals, as it is an internal reflection, slightly different from a diary, which can be defined as writing about the events of a day, and is mostly a daily thing. Journaling doesn't have to be a daily thing, it can be something you do more often when you’re having a rough time, with long entries full of crossed-out words and scribbles, versus the times you’re doing okay and when the entries are shorter and the words are neater. Either way, journaling is very good for self-reflection, helping you identify triggers and other things that may cause you any amount of emotional stress.

I think my favorite kind of journaling is bullet journaling, which I’ve only been doing for a short while but it’s very different from my thoughts and feelings journal. My bullet journal is something I use to keep track of assignments and also my habits, my reading, and things I've watched, I might start using it to track screen time. I also use it to track the story I’ve begun and this blog as well. It’s becoming very helpful when it comes to the planning of my future and the progression of my goals. I personally never found my thoughts and feelings journal to be very helpful when it came to goal progression, but it’s different for everyone.

One of the best parts of a bullet journal is the creative freedom that comes with it, of course, that’s not for everyone, and some people may simply choose a more minimalistic setup, or they may just not bullet journal at all, but that’s seriously one of the most therapeutic parts. Its a very chill process, I personally stole my setup from a YouTuber who I like, so it’s not my own creativity, but thats something Id like to do someday. 

Anyway, that wraps up this week's post, we shall see how this does, I might mess around with the length of posts, as this one got pretty long. See you next Sunday :)

[banzoin]

i might be a bit #inactive for like a week or two im sowwy

[iwishtobeastorm]

Cabur - Chapter 3

Alpha!Din Djarin/Omega!F!Reader

A/N: Hey babes! So, I've finally finished this chapter, I hope you'll like it. Please don't murder me for how long it is, I just couldn't control myself, I'm sorry. As always, let me know what you think! I luv uuuu 

Warnings: jealous Din hihi, matchmaker Omera (my favorite Omera)

Masterlist | Chapter 4 

Hardest week in your life. A living hell. An infinite misery. A nightmare. That's how you could describe your last heat.

Seven days of you squirming in the bed, rolling from side to side in the burning sheets, sleepless, exhausted and so so alone. You've never been hurting so bad in your whole life, no heat you've ever experienced before was this awful, this strong. And you knew too well why.

It was because of him. Because his Alpha lures in your Omega, because something pulls you to him like a magnet, because you got so used to his presence you feel like someone teared off a part of you when he's not with you. Because his presence created this illusion your Omega fell for instantly, that he might be something close to your mate, even thought it's not true. He left you here, he left you alone, because he doesn't want you, because he doesn't really care. And there's nothing you could do about it.

Omera kept taking care of you the whole time. She was the only person you allowed in the house during the whole time. She brought you food, bathed you, brought you clean sheets and cleaned up the mess you've managed to make. She also checked your health condition every single time she visited you, knowing well how hard this is for you especially when you wanted Din by your side and he refused. She comforted you while you cried in the moments of clarity and she made sure you had privacy when your heat reached its worst peaks. Just like your mother always did.

Little do you know that she talked to Din every single night through the com he initially gave her to contact him if anything went wrong. She was trying to persuade him to come back and spend at least half of your heat with you but he declined. He made sure he took enough bounties to keep him busy for almost two weeks.

Omera wished she could do more. More to ease the turmoil of your poor soul, more to ease your pain, both physical and mental but she couldn't. It was tearing her heart apart when she sat in your nest with you many times, your whole body curled up to ease the cramps, your head in her lap as you cried silently, while pouring your aching heart out to her. She wished she could drag Din back to you by the stupid scruffy cape of his and smack him with his riffle until he would finally realize what he's doing to both of you.

The last two days of your heat were more bearable. You even spent a few hours each day outside, talking to the kids or the elders in the village. It truly felt like home but you missed Din and the baby.

It took you about two more days to recover fully, before you were back to your usual self completely. You even began to participate in the daily life of the villagers. You took care of their kids just as you did at your village and you made a couple new friends. You learned more about the community and the lifestyle and you took a liking to all of that. But it couldn't overshadow the fact an hour didn't pass without you thinking about Din and the baby, about where they were now or when they were coming back. Omera refused to tell you. You thought she wanted to surprise you but the truth was she didn't know. Din wasn't able to tell her for sure, even though the amount of bounties he collected outnumbered those he had left to hunt down a long time ago. By now he was just hesitant to return to you, afraid to face his own regrets and fears.

He eventually decided to come even sooner than he wanted at first, mostly because of the baby. He was so restless and fussy without you. Din had never seen him like that. He wouldn't fall asleep until Din wrapped him in one of your old dresses, that still smelled like you, wouldn't eat without Din playing all those games you usually do with him - like pretending the spoon was a spaceship. He needed you more than Din did, even though that was debatable.

And so after two long weeks away, the Razor Crest lands on Sorgan again.

You're playing with the children by the river behind the village, building small houses for the dolls you've made for them with your new friend, Kaya. You collected some branches and rocks and you've made your own little village. It keeps the children busy and it'll give them more than one practical skill for life, which is always a win-win for you.

You're just finishing the doll you've been working on for about a week now, when you hear loud voices and cheering from the village. Even the kids notice, looking at you curiously, waiting for an explanation. Before you can do anything, your other friend, Zay, appears by the river, getting there from the direction of the village, panting from the running, his full cheeks flushed red. You look at him with silent question written in your eyes and he takes a deep breath before blurting out:

"The Mandalorian is back."

The kids start cheering, all of them immediately running past Zay to the village to greet their favorite knight and his child, and you don't wait a second before doing the same.

The closer you get the more you recognize the crowd that gathered around them.

When you get close enough, you can see Din talking to Omera, the baby in his arms, waving his little hands in the air. All that sadness and all that pain you've felt through the last two weeks seem to turn into ether, because all that matters now is, that they're back and hopefully, they won't leave you alone ever again.

You manage to make your way through the crowd, until you stand face to face with Din. Silence captures the whole space as everyone anticipates what's gonna happen. The villagers kind of know how the things are between you and Din and as Kaya told you, they began to make bets about how soon will the two of you finally get together. It made you flustered but it also kind of fed your hopes. If other people can see it, maybe Din will as well.

You stop in your tracks and you stare at Din, your chest raising and falling rapidly, your cheeks burning and it's not just from the running as your heart flutters in your chest, the sight of him and the realization he's finally back are making you euphoric.

The Mandalorian lost his breath the moment you stood in front of him. The light pink dress you wear are perfectly hugging your figure, accentuating your curves and making your skin look radiant. Your hair are reaching your back loosely, framing your pretty face. Your eyes are shining, looking at Din almost piously, which tugs on his heart more than he's willing to admit. You're just as beautiful as he remembers you and he has no idea what to do, what to say, how to make it up to you after all he's done, after all the pain he caused both you and the little one and so he stays quiet.

Lucky for both of you, the child saves the awkward moment by cooing loudly and raising his arms to be held by you. You take him without hesitation, pulling him as close as possible without hurting him anyhow and you pepper his face with kisses, murmuring to him about how much you missed him. Zay and Omera do you a favor and persuade the villagers to give you and Din more space, because they know you will need it.

When it's just the two of you, you take a small step towards Din and then another, until there's not much space dividing you. Just then you look up at him and you can't help but smile softly.

"Hi there," you murmur and Din's sure you'll never know how much he wanted to kiss you in this particular moment.

"Hey," he says, his voice so quiet the vocoder of his helmet almost doesn't pick it up.

"So- did you enjoy your time without me?" You ask and Din recognizes you're teasing him, the tension in his body and the heavy feeling on his chest start to disappear when he realizes what that means. You're in a good mood. You're not angry. That's an amazing place where to start.

"Not really. The womp rat was crazy without you," he states and you chuckle, cupping the baby's cheek and pressing your forehead against his.

"Is that true, darling?" You look into his big brown eyes and he rests his tiny hands on the sides of your face, cooing.

"Really? I'll tell you a secret. I was going crazy without you too," you say and the baby giggles. You press him against your chest, letting him nuzzle his face against your scent gland, your body immediately letting out calming pheromones for the child. Din could cry at the sight of the two of you, his Alpha screaming at him to claim you.

"And what about him, huh? Did papa go crazy?" You whisper to the baby and he coos, looking at Din from undreneath your chin, making smile tug on his lips.

"I thought he's gonna be insufferable," you say, scratching the baby's back. Din chuckles, resting his hands on his waist like he sometimes does.

"How are you, cyar'ika? Is- is everything alright?" He asks hesitantly. You've been waiting for him to ask.

"It- it wasn't always easy, but Omera really helped me. I feel well now," you say. Once again there's not even a hint in your tone, your words or your expression that you're blaming Din, that you're angry at him for the decision he made. You are looking at him the way you always do, the way that makes him feel like he's the only man that exists. You're too good.

"I'm sorry I left you alone," he lets out, clenching his jaw to prevent getting too emotional.

"It's okay, I understand," you say and Din lets out relieved sigh. Of course, you do. You always do.

But actually you don't. I mean you for sure think you understand, but for you the reason he left you here alone is that he simply doesn't love you, that he doesn't care about you the way you care about him. He doesn't want you to be his mate, he's just simply not interested.

Does it hurt?

More than anything.

But is there anything you can do?

No.

You can just hope all the feelings you have for your Mandalorian will one day vanish.

"Omera told me you've settled here pretty well," he states and you smile softly at that.

"It reminds me a lot of my home here," you explain and suddenly you remember the doll you've been working on and you take it out of the pocket of your dress. You've meant to give it to the baby once he comes back with Din. It's a figure of a Mandalorian, maybe a bit too similar to the one standing in front of you but you're sure no one will notice.

But Din does. Once he registers what is it in your hand that you are giving to the baby, he feels his heart doing a little flip in his chest. You've made a figure of him for the baby. He freaking abandons you on a foreign planet when you're at your most vulnerable and you make a doll of him for his foundling. He doesn't deserve you.

The baby immediately takes the doll from your hands, pulling away from your neck and bringing the little Mandalorian closer to take a good look at him, grin appearing on his face once he realizes what you gave to him and then he's showing it proudly to his father, cooing loudly.

"I've been making dolls for the kids here and I couldn't leave him out," you explain, your gaze lingering on the baby, your smile widening at how excited the child looks now. You take such a good care of him, better than Din could ever imagine.

"You'll spoil him, mesh'la," he says and you look at him with a grin.

"Let me spoil him then," you respond, kissing the baby's temple. You've missed him so much. Sleeping without his little form pressed against yours somehow felt wrong and unnatural and it made it hard for you to fall asleep even after your heat passed.

"How long will we stay here?" You ask, knowing Din doesn't really like to dwell on one place for more than necessary.

"We should set off tomorrow," he states and you nod.

"Omera assigned a house to me for my stay. You two could stay there with me, if you want to," you offer, hoping Din will agree to it.

"We will, cyar'ika. If that's okay with you," he responds and you grin, nodding.

"Follow me then."

You're preparing a small snack for you, the baby and Din, while you watch through the window as Winta plays with your little one outside the house, small smile on your face.

Din took a seat at the table, silently admiring you while you work. He offered to give you a helping hand, he's a master at preparing snacks, but you wanted to do it yourself. Din secretly wishes that's a sign your Omega wants to provide for his Alpha and your ad'ika, but there's no way to prove it. Maybe it's just your kindness.

He watches your gentle movements, the way you cut the vegetables a bit clumsily, the way you always wipe your hands on the apron you wrapped around your waist, he watches you as you hum some unknown melody under your breath, swinging your hips just a bit to the rhythm of it, the way you move through the space so naturally, making Din feel like the whole room got brighter than ever just by your bare presence. You might be the light of his life after all.

Just as you're about to cut the bread too, there's a knock on the outer wall and so you turn around to face it, Din's  head tilting its way as well.

"Can I come in?" There's a low male voice reaching your ears and Din watches a smile form at your lips. He unintentionally clenches his fists underneath the table, his Alpha not really comfortable with another man in the house with you.

"Sure. I'm just preparing some snacks," you respond and soon there's a tall young man appearing in the room. He smiles at you while sending a respectful nod Din's way and he reciprocates it, even though the scent of the other man is uncomfortably stinging in his nose, irritating him. An Alpha. It makes Din's blood boil, slowly but surely.

"It won't be long. I just came to invite you both to come to the celebration we've prepared for the Mandalorian's return," the man says and you beam up at him.

"We will come for sure. Thank you so much for letting us know," you say and Din can smell the pure happiness in your scent. He's not sure if it's because of the celebration or because of the stranger in your house and that makes him nervous.

"It's nothing. Omera was busy with preparations so she sent me. I should probably get going to help them too," the boy scratches the back of his neck.

"Oh, should I help as well? I- I'll just finish the snacks and I can be there in a few minutes," you offer and the man grins.

"That would be nice, (Y/N)," he states, making your smile widen. Din grits his teeth.

"See you there then, Bri," you say, following the boy all the way to the door where he says his goodbyes to you too.

You return to the kitchen, humming another unknown melody, soft smile still on your lips. You go back to preparing the snacks as if nothing really happened and Din feels like a volcano right before exploding.

"Your new friend?" He asks, trying to scold his voice to sound nonchalant.

"Yeah. He's really nice. He has a younger sister that I babysat while he worked at the krill farm. I think you'll like him. He's not really talkative, but he's really kind," you say and Din feels fed up with all the praises you let out about the other Alpha.

"He seemed talkative to me," he states, looking down at his still clenched fists and so he doesn't notice the way you glance at him over your shoulder.

"He was just being polite," you murmur, finally finishing the snacks. You put Din's on a plate before you lean out of the window, calling at Winta to bring in the baby.

Din watches your body bend over the kitchen counter, your ass being outlined now more prominently. He finds himself wishing he could come up to you, grasp your wide hips with his hands and press himself against you. He would roll your pretty skirt up around your waist, revealing your round cheeks, that he would gladly squeeze with his hands before leaning down to you, to whisper all the filth that ever went through his head because of you, how pretty you are, how kind, how amazing, how he can't get enough of you. He would claim you right there, pushing his cock into your heat, wrapping his body around yours and letting you cry out loudly while he'd pound into you from behind. Your moans and whimpers would let everyone know how good he can make you feel, how good you're making him feel, what a perfect little Omega you're being for him, his Omega, his, his, his.

But that's just another fantasy of his, one of the inappropriate ones and so he pushes those thoughts away as the kids enter the house. Winta smiles at him, before she heads to you. She hands you the little one and you immediately press him against your chest, giving Winta a portion of the snack you prepared, before you approach Din with a plate for him too, smile playing on your lips.

"Thank you, mesh'la," he clears his throat and you nod softly.

"I bet you didn't eat enough while I was away," you murmur, returning to the counter with the little one, to grab the soup you prepared for him. His favorite. Lots of meat and not enough vegetables for your liking, but that's how the baby loves it.

He coos excitedly at the smell and tries to snatch the bowl from you, but you adjust him in your arms to not let him until he's sitting at the table in the wooden highchair.

Din's eyes follow you through your every step, every movement, his mind replaying your words again and again. You really want to provide for him. Maybe you don't realize it, but you do. It makes his heart too warm.

"Enjoy your meals, I- I'll help with the preparations. You can have a nap later, if Winta would be so kind and played with the little one for a bit longer," you run your fingers through the girl's hair with small smile on your lips and she beams up at you, nodding, while Din feels his blood boiling again.

"You won't eat?" He asks, trying to not let you know what's actually going through his head just at the mere thought of you being there without him, with another Alpha. You even skipped your meal for him.

Din's mind is a mess. It's a cacophony of his want and affection for you mixed with all that jealousy and fear of leaving you alone once it's safe to be in your presence again.

"I'm not hungry. I- I just want to help," you murmur and your eyes are so sincere, that Din's heart almost aches. He gives you a little nod and before he knows it, you kiss the baby's forehead and you're out of the building, leaving him alone with the two kids and the little sandwich cut in the shape of a heart laying on the plate in front of him.

All of your excitement that Din mistaken for your fondness of the other Alpha, Bri, is actually connected to the promise Omera made you. She told you about her plan to prepare the celebration once Din comes back and she told you she has a gift for you as a thank you for your work at the village, which you initially refused to accept, but Omera was insistent. It turned out to be one of the prettiest dress you've ever seen. Apparently Kaya made them for you with a little help of one of the elders. Omera told you to wear them for the celebration and asked Kaya to do your hair for you, to make you the best version of yourself.

It's all part of Omera's secret plan how to make Din finally do something about the two of you. Sending Bri to invite you was just the first step.

You head to Kaya's house as Omera instructed you. You knock on the door and soon the melodic voice of your new friend reaches you, asking you to come in.

She comes to greet you, giving you a tight hug.

"How do you feel?" She asks as she leads you inside, smiling.

"Good. Very good actually," you grin, accepting her offer to sit down at the table in her kitchen. Her scent envelopes you, putting you at ease. It's like lemons and honey, warm and brisk.

"Your Mandalorian is back so there's no wonder," she teases, making your cheeks burn.

"Uhm- yeah. Did you meet him already?" You ask, looking at her as she starts preparing your favorite tea. You've spent enough afternoons with Kaya like this for her to act without even asking you. The familiarity feels nice.

"Many times. He's returtning here from time to time. Everybody loves him and Cara here," she states and you grin at the mention of the ex shock-trooper.

"I didn't know you are familiar with Cara too," you smile and Kaya smirks.

"Maybe more than you can imagine," she muses and you raise your eyebrows at her, giving her a curious look, even though you know too well what's your Omega friend talking about.

"Interesting," you murmur when she doesn't comment on the topic anymore.

Kaya brings the cup of tea to you and stands behind you, running her hand through your hair softly.

"Well, Omera tasked me with doing your hair. I have quite an idea about what I want to do. Do I have your full trust?" She asks, her hands coming to rest on your shoulders. You nod, already excited to see how's it gonna turn out.

"Let me surprise you then."

Din tried. He really really tried to take the nap you talked about but he kept tossing and turning in the sheets, thinking about you and the other Alpha. Not even your sweet scent that literally soaked through the comforter couldn't calm him down. And so eventually he gave up and putted his armor back on, before heading out.

He passes by the children playing with the dolls you've made, his heart thrumming faster in his chest at your everpresent kindness. He approaches the group of villagers preparing a bonfire for the upcoming evening, asking about you and Omera. They send him to search for the two of you at Omera's house, where the food is being prepared and so he thanks them with a nod and heads there.

Omera's in the kitchen, surrounded by maybe five other women and girls, Betas and Omegas, but none of them are you, which makes Din's nervousness grow, his veins burning.

"Where's (Y/N)?" He asks when Omera glances at him with a smile.

"I'm not sure. Why?" She asks, putting the pie on the counter, acting as if nothing was really going on, which is not really helping Din's inner struggle.

"She said she'll help you with preparations so I was hoping to find her here," he explains, keeping his tone calm.

"Well, she's probably out picking berries with others," Omera smiles at Din.

"Where?" He wants to know, clenching his fists at his sides in impatience. How could Omera let you leave the village without Din? Who's protecting you now? Bri?!

"I don't know for sure, Din. Maybe she's not there at all. Don't worry, (Y/N) is able to take care of herself on her own. Besides, I bet she's with Kaya, Zay and Bri, so there's no need to stress about her," she says, getting a taste of the sauce one of the girls has been preparing and she comments on lack of salt, her nonchalance driving Din crazy.

"If something happens to her-," he mumbles, cutting himself of when he realizes he's basically threatening his own friend.

"Nothing happened to her for the past two weeks. There's no reason why something should happen now," Omera states calmly, turning fully to Din finally, her comment making him clench his jaw.

"Why don't you sit down by the fire and wait? The celebration will start in a moment so she'll be back soon for sure," she says to him, trying to put him at ease, making him sigh. He eventually nods and hesitantly heads out of Omera house, his eyes scanning the area for any signs of your presence but he finds nothing. He would lie if he said he's not worried. It's getting dark already. Leaving you somewhere alone is dangerous. Anyone could show up and hurt you. Din would rather die than let them take you away from him. You and the baby are the only nice parts of his life, his redemption. He'd be lost without you.

He shakes those invasive thoughts away and decides to look for the baby before you appear, wanting to have at least one of you by his side, because that always makes him calmer. He circles the house you live in, but there's no one, neither Winta nor the baby.

But then Din's ears pick up a sound, full of happiness, excitement and life, a laughter. Yours and Winta's.

He follows it, until he finds himself standing in front of one of the houses. The door are open, which is like an invitation for Din to peak inside. But maybe he shouldn't, maybe you're there with the other Alpha. What if- no, no, definitely not. Winta wouldn't be there if you- Dank farrik.

Before Din is able to decide what to do, you're on the porch, the laughter dying on your lips as you stop in your tracks, when you register his presence.

Din's breathless. He's so lucky he's wearing the helmet that perfectly hides his awestruck expression.

You're so beautiful. You wear a white dress that perfectly hug your figure, accelerating your curves, making your skin look even more radiant. Your hair are braided around your head, creating a crown, small pink and purple flowers stuck in them. You look like the nature itself. Pure, gentle and mesmerizing.

"Oh, Din. There you are," you find your words first, smiling at him sweetly.

Before Din's able to say anything, Winta runs out of the house and bumps into you, the child in her arms, his hands extended forward, grabbing on your skirt now.

"The monster caught you!" Winta exclaims and you giggle, taking the kid into your arms and kissing his wrinkled forehead.

"Guess I've lost again," you murmur. Din feels like he's dreaming. You definitely look dreamy.

"What would you say to playing hide and seek after the dinner?" You turn to Winta, stroking her dark hair.

"Sure," she grins.

"Would you let other kids know, please?" You smile and she nods, squeezing baby's hand before running away to let her friends know about your plans for future.

When she's out of earshot, you turn to Din, who's been drinking in the sight of you like the finest spotchka.

You've never looked so beautiful. But he thinks that every time he sees you. You're too much for his old heart.

"I-I've been searching for you," he chokes out and your smile fades a bit. That's not what you've expected him to say. You hoped that maybe, just maybe he could compliment you this time. But it seems like there's nothing you could do to catch his interest. It makes you disappointed in yourself, but you decide to bury it deep, because you know Din might sense it in your scent otherwise.

"Oh, I- I've been with Kaya. She made these dress for me," you explain, doing a little spin to show him, holding the baby close, Din's heart jumping at the sight of you.

"They- they are pretty. You- you are," he says, scratching the back of his neck nervously, his cheeks burning. You look at him, surprised, as if no one ever told you that before.

"You think so?" You murmur, your cheeks warm.

"Yeah. Just- mesh'la," he states and you curve your brows in confusion.

"That's what it means?" You ask and Din wishes he could run away. You're too smart.

"Uh- yes," he nods, biting on the inner side of his cheek. The smile that spreads through your features is brighter than Tatooine suns and it warms Din heart more than anything ever did.

You rest the baby against your hip and you approach him step by step, until you stand about a feet away from him, your scent creeping in through his helmet, making his nerves tingle and his Alpha groan.

"I- I missed you while you were away, Din," you say, looking up at him with those pretty eyes of yours and he could faint.

"I missed you too, cyar'ika," he states and your smile grows a bit.

The child coos, raising his hand towards Din and so you let him take the little one and press him against his beskar covered chest. You look at the two of them with something so tender in your eyes, that makes Din want to say something really really stupid.

"I was worried you won't come back," you admit, worrying your lower lip between your teeth. Din's surprised by your words. How could you ever thought he'd be able to leave you?

"I'd never do that," he says, a hint of finality in his words, which reassures you.

"Din I- I have to tell you something," you start, but before you're able to say anything else and explain yourself, Kaya emerges from her house, wide smile on her lips.

"You two better hurry, the celebration is starting now," she states, tilting her head towards the bonfire, shining in the twilight of the late afternoon, the villagers already gathered around it.

"Sure," you smile at her and slowly follow her to the bonfire, grateful for the interruption. When you look at it now, it was stupid to want to confess to Din. Maybe this was a sign you shouldn't.

You feel his broad body behind you, like a shadow, the baby cooing in his arms. Kaya suddenly trails away to check out if her other friends are already by the bonfire too, leaving you and Din alone, which makes you anxious.

He catches up on you so you're now walking side by side and he clears his throat, your body stiffening in anticipation, your nervousness growing.

"What did you want to tell me, cyar'ika?" He asks, sensing the change in your scent, that confirms you want to share something very important.

"I- I- I don't know how to say it," you murmur, looking down at your bare feet, your hands tangled behind your back as you're trying to ease your panicking mind and find the words you are searching for.

"You know you don't have to be afraid to talk to me, right?" He says, trying to keep his tone as gentle as possible. You nod, biting on your lower lip.

Din's whole body is so tense, that you might thought he's actually a droid, not a person hidden behind the beskar armor.

He's afraid of what you're about to say, your nervousness making it even harder, since his Alpha keeps going crazy, begging Din to let him ease all your worries, to protect you and keep you safe. He's terrified. What if you want to stay here? What if you realized this Alpha, Bri, might be much better mate than Din could ever be? Would you leave him and the child for a life here?

Something in him screams no. That's not who you are. But could he blame you after all of what he's done?

He doesn't even know if you ever felt the same about him for Gods' sake. Even if you did, would he ever be able to let it out? To let you know what he truly feels? Would he be able to get over his worries and insecurities?

"I- I just wanted to tell you that I'm glad you're by my side. I can't imagine traveling with anyone else," you glance at him softly, small smile on your lips. It's not what you initially wanted to say, but it's a safe thing to say without having to lie to him.

It's too soon. Too soon to tell him the truth. Tell him how much you love him, how much you want him to be your mate. You've never met anyone like him. You know he's the right one. But you don't want to be the one confessing first. Not unless you have evident proof about his potential feelings for you. You don't want to mess it all up by pouring your heart out to him. What you two have, the partnership, is too precious to let your biology ruin it all.

"I'm glad to have you too, cyar'ika. We both are," he states and the little one coos as if to confirm his words, making you smile, your hand enveloping his.

You reach the crowd gathered around the bonfire like this, like a pretty little family. That's not what you really are, even though that's exactly what you want to be.

The older villagers sit on pelts or small blankets, all of them chatting, laughing and sharing meals that Omera prepared with the other girls. They all look so content and at peace that the homey atmosphere immediately puts you at ease, which calms Din as well.

There's a music playing, the melody so wild and rhythmic and freeing, making your toes curl as your body wishes to subdue to it and join the few young people dancing all together around the fire.

Gods seem to listen to you this time, because before you know it, there's a hand holding yours and you're dragged into the circle. You find out the one who took you there is Zay, flashing you a bright smile, before he turns his head forward to not bump into the girl holding his other hand. You try to follow their steps, laughter escaping you here and there when you either fail or succeed. Kaya soon joins, parting you and Zay.

"You're doing really well," she compliments, her voice louder than the music, otherwise you probably wouldn't hear her at all.

"Thank you," you grin.

It's so easy to laugh with Kaya by your side. She brings so much fun into the dancing, becoming the leading figure in the circle, adding steps and changing directions, making you all exchange positions, so you end up standing next to completely different people. You find so much delight in the dancing. You haven't been a part of something like this ever since you've left your village. It feels amazing.

Din found his place on one of the blankets, sitting down with the baby in his lap, his eyes not leaving you for a second. You fit here so well, even though you're standing out above all of them with your beauty and your grace. Your laughter makes Din's heart jump, your smile causes tingles in his chest, the swaying of your body fills him with want. He wishes he could be there and dance with you, share the pure joy that radiates off of you. But that's not where his place is. He should sit here like he does, with all the people his age and not even think about joining you, the younger generation. Just watching you brings him enough happiness anyways.

Until you end up standing next to Bri, you two exchanging small smiles, before the dancing continues. Din can't help but feel the stinging jealousy bloom in his chest, penetrating his heart mercilessly at the mere sight of the two of you together. He wishes you could be his mate, that he could have his mark on you, so everyone would know you're his and nobody would dare to even look your way. But these are nothing but wishes.

When the song is over, you let go of the people by your sides and you join them in the applause for those who play for you. You feel the bit of sweat that gathered on your back and your forehead and you wipe it away from your face, looking around to spot Din. You find him sitting on the blanket, Winta next to him, holding the baby in her arms, the two of them playing with the dolls you've made while it seems like she's talking to Din, his helmet facing her, so he doesn't even notice your lingering gaze.

You don't wait a second, before you head to them.

"Din, come! Come and dance," you're grinning at him, your hand gently grasping his and before he even knows what's going on, you're trying to get him to stand up, which is not really working.

"No, cyar'ika. I really shouldn't," he shakes his head and you stop with the tugging and you look at him with a pout.

"Please. I want to dance with you," you say, hoping your puppy eyes might help, but he shakes his head again, refusing your proposal.

"Why not?" You ask, kneeling down in front of him, completely ignoring the fact others began to dance without you as you are looking at him. The fire is mirroring on his armor, painting it all the pretty colors of orange, yellow and scarlet, except for the pitch black of his visor, that's now tilted towards you.

"I- I don't know how to dance," he admits and you smile softly.

"That's not a problem at all. I can teach you. What I know is not a lot but it should be enough," you offer, straightening up and extending your hand towards him once more in silent invitation.

"But not here," he states, raising his index finger at you, making you giggle.

"Of course," you smirk, accepting his condition if it means you get to dance with him.

"Would you watch the little one for us please?" You turn to Winta, who's smiling up at you, while the baby coos.

"We will, don't worry," Omera appears by your side with two bowls of food for the children, making you smile.

"Thank you," Din gives her a short nod when he stands up and Omera grins, returning the gesture. It seems like her plan works so far.

"Come on then," you murmur, grabbing Din's hand in yours and leading him away from the crowd, giggling. He trails behind you, indulging in your scent, the warmth of your hand that soaks through his glove and your excitement for something so small and simple like dancing with him. You really do enjoy his company, there's no second guessing about that.

You stop far enough from the crowd so they can't see you in the darkness but close enough to hear the music well. You turn to Din, smiling.

"We can start with something easy," you say and you make a step towards him, almost completely closing the gap between the two of you. You are closer than ever and your scent gets more intense, the combination making Din feel lightheaded.

"You put your hands on- on my waist, like this," you instruct, grabbing his hands gently and positioning them on the small of your back, before you rest your own on his shoulders, looking up at him with those pretty eyes of yours, his knees getting weak. The music changes, the melody slower now, calmer, more suiting for the dance you want to teach Din. You start rocking your hips into the rhythm, stepping from one leg to the other and leading Din to dance in this small circle. He's so stiff and tensed, making you want to soothe his uneasiness.

"It's easy, just follow my lead," you murmur, trying to let out calming pheromones to help him relax. His body slowly melts against yours, his hands pulling you just a little closer, which you gladly allow, your chest now meeting his, your eyes never leaving his visor. You feel etheral, your muscles turning into mush because of his brisk scent that's now more perceptible than ever, feeling like a cold supress on burning wound, like a balsam for your nerves and his warmth, that you can feel even through his leather gloves. You're getting lost in him completely.

"You finally relaxed," you murmur, smiling at your own words, making him chuckle.

"And you were quiet for more than two minutes. Impressive," he states and you laugh.

"Oh, stop it! You know I can stay quiet for quite a long time," you oppose.

"No, I don't," Din smirks underneath the helmet, when he notices the death glare you gave him.

"I'll be quiet now then," you state stubbornly, making him chuckle.

You two then move into the rhythm together in complete silence, your expression slowly turning from the feigned offended pout, to something much softer until there's a smile on your lips that makes Din's heart do crazy things. He's holding you so delicately, as if you were precious, while also keeping his grip strong enough to assure you stay pressed against his body. Your cheeks burn at the intimacy of the moment. You've never thought this will ever happen, that you'll be like this with Din. It feels so good. So natural. As if it was meant to be since the beginning.

You look up at him, finding his visor already tilted to allow him to gaze at you, your smile widening at that.

"I'm so glad you let me to teach you how to dance," you say, making him scoff.

"I'm glad too, mesh'la," he states, the petname making you bite on your lower lip, when you now know what it means.

"I could teach you more, if you want to," you offer.

"This is fine for now," he says, swiping his thumbs over your back in soothing circles, making your heart clench.

"Din I- I have to tell you something," you blurt out, making him stiffen in anticipation, his attention all yours.

"I know I probably shouldn't but- I- I really like you," you whisper. Your throat got so tight, that your voice wasn't able to make it and maybe that's good, because you might've start crying if it did. You know you're putting yourself out with this, you know you didn't want to be the one to confess but this, this whole thing, how good it feels, how right, it must mean something.

He stops, freezing to the ground, not even sound leaving him, making you immediately regret your decision.

"I- I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have. I- sorry," you apologize, tears rising in your eyes as the burning pain in your chest hits hard, your hands sliding from his shoulders as you're about to run away, the heaviness of the moment getting too much to bear for you, until his hands envelope yours, keeping you in the place.

"Cyar'ika, there's no need to apologize. I- I feel the same," he admits quietly, your eyes widening at his words. You can't believe it. You stare at him, unable to do anything, say anything. It feels as if everything you've ever considered to be reality just blended and the only thing left is you and Din, standing in the middle of the darkness, looking into each other's eyes, your hearts beating in sync. He feels the same.

You feel the same. You feel what he feels. Is that even possible? Could you, this sweet perfect Omega, ever feel something so tender to someone like him? Could Din ever get so lucky?

He slowly raises his hand to cup your cheek and only once he feels the warmth of your skin against the leather of his gloves he believes that this is true, that it's real. You close your eyes at his touch, melting against him, into him, smile appearing on your pretty lips. Din lowers his head until his forehead meets yours, you gasp at the contact of your burning skin with the cold beskar. A Keldabe kiss. His first and hopefully not his last. You don't know how much it means to him, you don't fully understand the weight of Din's gesture, but you still feel it's something special, something, that makes the moment fragile and so you raise your hands to rest them on the sides of his helmet, holding him close to keep him like that for as long as possible. Just you and him.

You're not sure who speaks first but-

"Alpha."

"Omega."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Tag list

Thank you for your support, Ily!

@holamor @blackrose8425 @heartofjakku @booksarekindaneat @janelongxox @altarsw

[thatnarcissisticfeel]

hi! so i don’t rlly know how to even phrase this but lately i’ve had a lot of stuff getting worse, none of the “basic” diagnoses i have (like depression and anxiety and stuff) describes it at all. so i’ve started questioning if i maybe have a personality disorder bc it’d all make sense, both the behaviors and how i see the world and why its only getting worse and more noticeable now etc.

i keep finding myself in cluster B PD traits and lately ive been reading more on NPD and i genuinely completely see myself in the description of the covert subtype. i always blame others for everything and am completely unable of accepting or feeling guilt. nothing is ever my fault, its always someone else doing something or provoking me or it’s the way i was raised or it’s because of the system etc. i’m deeply insecure but hate showing any kind of vulnerability. when i’m in a vulnerable position i get ashamed and angry bc i cant stand feeling weak. i often get so angry i do shit that could easily destroy all the relationships i have. i never apologize (unless it’s a situation where i have to in order to save the relationship but still never actually feel sorry) bc that’s showing vulnerability and admitting i’m wrong. i always compare myself with others, i used to think this doesnt apply to me bc i generally don’t care about typical things such as popularity and status as i’ve always been an outcast - and it’s kind of a major part of my identity that i feel different than everyone else (even though its most likely just how i was forced to learn to cope with being excluded), but i’ve come to realize i absolutely do always see myself as “the worst one” in terms of mental health. i can’t stand others talking about their issues bc no you don’t even have it that bad at all, i’m worse. i feel like no one will ever be able to truly understand me bc the majority of people are npcs anyway. no one thinks for themselves, they dont have any self awareness and just do what they’re told. i treat others like shit but still expect them to be nice to me because i deserve it because i’m sick. i deserve more attention from doctors because of how unwell i feel. i should be the one that gets treated first. i obviously never voice these feelings but it makes me so pissed off when i have to wait like i’m never important enough for anyone. like there was this one case when i had to wait longer for my appointment bc some girl came in due to an emergency and all i felt was angry and annoyed and like when is it my turn to get taken seriously?? i completely lack affective empathy and very rarely genuinely care about others. others being sad annoys me and others being happy makes me angry, sometimes even to the point of having homicidal thoughts. i’m envious of pretty much everyone who i consider better off than me. and again i dont mean shit like money or clothes but more like just the ability to be normal, having close friends, being in a relationship, all that stuff i know i’ll never be able to have bc of my mental illnesses. i’ve never been able to form genuine relationships, i do have a few friends but they all mean nothing to me and are just there so i’m not lonely. i’ve never been able to feel love or affection for anyone. and when i think abt it i dont even really want to be like them, i just want to make them suffer. i lie to everyone and only reveal my “true” self when im having a breakdown and basically cant control myself anymore as i have so much suppressed anger inside i sometimes feel like i have to genuinely put effort into stopping myself from physically attacking others; who cares abt words when im that far gone. and even then i later turn it around and make it seem like im just depressed and stuff (which is true, but theres also so much more no one knows about). everyone around me considers me a shy meek polite nice caring person and it just feels so ironic.

idk what to do at this point, genuinely. writing it all down like this makes me sound so fucked up even though i act relatively normal when i’m stable enough. but in reality i feel like on the inside i’m just breaking, i’ve had to turn to drug abuse as its literally the only thing that helps me cope with everything & prevent me from being even more destructive (towards both others and myself) and its making me even more short tempered when im sober and even more paranoid someone’s going to find out and get me in trouble. my therapist knows about it but doesnt do shit. ive been on so many psych meds before but its as if literally nothing ever works on me. like i would never normally seek advice on tumblr out of all places but i thought just maybe i would get understood here as i keep getting just either ignored or insulted on places like reddit (sure jan calling me a psycho is definitely going to help my issues when all i did was fucking ask how to cope with my issues).

sorry abt the wall of text. do you have any advice? ive been going to therapy for years but its all useless. i cant be honest with anyone for pretty obvious reasons. i just really dont feel like living for much longer. but even just acknowledging this ask and not judging me would mean a lot.

I obviously can’t diagnose you, but I will say a LOT of what you said is behaviors that and I other NPDs do, which makes me think that even if you don’t have it, advice and such that is geared towards pwNPD could help you. Unfortunately there isn’t much self-help geared towards pwNPD (I say self-help bc clearly your therapist is not a good therapist for you and I know it would probably be difficult to get a new one), but DBT workbooks are a good place to start. I think they’re technically geared more towards BPD, but they can definitely still help narcissists. Stuff like this is why I hate how much NPD is stigmatized, because we all DO deserve help and we all DON’T deserve to feel like this.

It sounds pretty basic, but are you a part of anything like online NPD/cluster B support groups, ie discord servers? Obviously they’re not a cure-all, but even just being around people who have the same thing and who you don’t have to mask around can help. If you don’t have any I could happily provide some if I can find a public one. Of course, communities like that can be a hit or miss, but it’s definitely at least worth a shot to try to find a group of people who are struggling with the same thing.

Another piece of advice, which might sound completely neurotypical on the surface, is to start journaling or writing down feelings. It might seem like just a small thing but having a place that only you can access where you can talk about things like vulnerability could be a good starting point, because at least you’re admitting it to yourself and getting it out there in some way. Lying to everyone and not being able to show your true self is really exhausting, so having one space that’s yours and yours only where you can learn to be comfortable with being vulnerable — even if it’s just to yourself — is a tiny thing that can work wonders. It doesn’t have to be some super dramatic “dear diary, woe is me” type thing, it can be something as simple as “Today I fucked up, and I know I fucked up, but I still blame xyz, I hate xyz.” That way you’re getting the vulnerable thoughts AND the angry thoughts out there without 1.) hurting others with the angry thoughts or 2.) having to show vulnerabity which would hurt you.

Of course the end goal might be to “unlearn” the behaviors, so to speak, but that can’t be done overnight, and until it is done, it’s better to have a few places to be open, even if it’s just amongst yourself or other pwNPD.

I hope this helped, lmk if you need more advice — and definitely know that you’re not alone, as cheesy as it sounds.

[ldss-interactive]

At Alter’s End: A CYOA Novel

Overview:

Trentworth, Maine. A town of ten thousand southeast of Ellsworth and North of Bayside. Its only bragging point since its conception in 1867 was being a shoreline city and cheaper than any of the other big tourist towns. Nothing ever happened here, besides the occasional drowning or fishing trip accident, until the killings started. They lasted five years in total and 48 people were lost to the killer’s sick desires. Robert Hall terrorized this small town, slipping under the radar by focusing on those considered “undesirable”; sex workers, orphans, drug addicts, and the like. Now ten years later, ten years after the killer has been put behind bars, murders have begun again. A copycat killer has come to Trentworth. And they seem to be targeting the ones left behind, still trying to pick up the shattered pieces of their lives…

You take the role of a highschool senior; your parents having died in a home fire shortly before the killer was put behind bars and now under the care of your workaholic aunt. Make allies of your classmates or attempt to go it alone, clear your parents’ name from their believed involvement with the killer or fight to put the past behind you, deal with the skeletons in your closet and mind or bury them deeper... Oh, and make sure your history project is turned in on time. With two young siblings depending on you and a whole host of problems a highschool student should never have to deal with, can you survive this nightmare made real?

Trigger Warnings: This game will go into very heavy topics including the following; murder, death, various mental health issues (such as PTSD, depression, and anxiety), abandonment, gambling, various types of drug addiction, self harm mentions (not happening to the MC or shown in graphic detail), suicide, sex work, child abuse (mental, emotional, and physical), and dangerous situations. This is a murder mystery/thriller, it is NOT intended for audiences below 18.

Hello! Thank you for showing interest in At Alter’s End. This is a Choose Your Own Adventure style novel in the Thriller and Murder Mystery genres. It would also fit nicely in the Drama genre as well, but Drama is not the focus. This will be a rather lengthy project, with fifteen chapters plus a prologue and epilogue planned.

You take on the role of a senior at Trentworth High. Join an after-school activity, take care of your younger siblings, prepare for finals, get a part time job, find a date to homecoming, and survive your worst nightmare come to life. The copycat killer is targeting the students of your school and no one is safe. With the police dragging their feet, no help coming any time soon from any higher up law enforcement, and the locals refusing to acknowledge the possibility of a copycat killer, it’s up to you and your classmates to find the person responsible...before it’s too late.

- You can play as female, male, nonbinary, or trans!

- You can be straight, gay, or bisexual!

- A highly customizable MC including hair color, eye color, skin color, hair length, height, and personality and interests!

- The ability to choose which mental illness the MC suffers from due to the trauma of their past from the following:

Anxiety, Depression, or PTSD.

- The MC is deaf in their right ear ear due to the way in which their parents died; this is not something that can be changed.

- Choose from 7 different official after-school activities! Trentworth Volunteers, Up and Coming Artists, National Debate Society, National Honors Society, Co-Ed Varsity Basketball, Creative Writing, and Trentworth Gardeners!

- Bond with your classmates, explore your town, and help raise your younger siblings!

- Rescue your parents’ bakery from corporate clutches or let it go!

- Find the killer, stop the murders, and put a stop to the rumors that have plagued your every step for 10 years!

Vanya: Oldest adoptive twin sibling to MC’s adoptive siblings, 6 years younger than MC. Strong-headed, intelligent, and always getting into trouble. She looks after her brother and MC in the ways she can.

Ajay: Youngest adoptive twin sibling to MC’s adoptive sibling, 6 years younger than MC. Nearly completely blind since birth, he enjoys painting and other artistic endeavors. Obedient yet opinionated.

Aunt Emma: The workaholic aunt that takes custody of MC and their younger siblings after the death of their parents. Well meaning but absent most of the time on business trips or at the office.

Kwan Hall: An adoptive relative to Robert Hall; aloof, intelligent, and completely ostracized by Trentworth as a whole. When the killings start again the town’s attention is immediately turned on Kwan. He’s the first to begin investigating the killings when the police prove their incompetence. He is of Korean descent, standing at 5’6” with dark hair and dark eyes. His most notable feature is the long scar that stretches from his forehead’s hairline, down his left temple, and ends just below his jawline and the constant disinterest on his face. He is asexual in that he doesn’t experience sexual attraction at all. He is also bisexual.

Alessia D’Agostina: Trentworth High’s school president. She’s clawed her way tooth and nail up to earn the respect of both the school faculty and her fellow classmates; she’s strong-willed, dependable, and always looks at things through a logical lens. When she sees her classmates dying, she takes it upon herself to try and stop this once and for all. With dark skin, deep brown eyes, long braided hair, and standing at 5’8” her confidence and sense of self always make sure she stands out from the crowd. Alessia is bisexual.

Georgiy Kuzmin: Twin brother to Anastasiya Kuzmin; he is, in the kindest way possible, not the brightest bulb in the box. Yet he always means well and is more than willing to offer a helping hand. As the co-captain of the basketball team, captain of the baseball team, and the star of the swim team, Georgiy is one of the most popular and well beloved students at Trentworth High. When he realizes his friends are in danger, he willingly throws himself into the investigation to do all he can to help. With fair skin, dirty blond hair, bubbly green eyes, and standing at 6’1” he cuts an approachable figure to anyone who knows him. Georgiy is gay.

Anastasiya Kuzmin: Twin sister to Georgiy Kuzmin: she and her brother are alike in so many ways apart from just appearance. Anastasiya, who goes by Ana more often than not, is head of the Co-Ed Varsity Basketball team, the Girls’ softball team, and the Tennis team. Just as popular and loved as her brother, Ana may not be the smartest but she makes up for it with passion and dedication. Like her brother, she has fairer skin, dirty blond hair, and bright green eyes. Also like her brother, she felt she couldn’t just sit around while her friends were put in danger and agreed to join the investigation. Ana is gay and demiromantic, meaning she only gains feelings for someone after having a strong relationship with them.

Lillian Triano: A quiet, withdrawn girl who mainly keeps to herself. Due to the fact that Trentworth High demands for every senior to be apart of an elective, she is mainly seen in afterschool reading club run by Ms. Habeeb. She’s MC’s closest friend, having been one of the only people who didn’t believe the rumors that MC’s parents were assisting Robert Hall in his murders. She has an olive complexion, brown eyes, a heavy dose of freckles, and stands at 5’1”. Lillian is gay.

Jasmine Abernathy: Jasmine is Trentworth High’s self proclaimed “Best news source!” After the school newspaper was disbanded, Jasmine took it upon herself to keep freedom of the press alive. She’s fierce in her pursuit of the truth and never one to back down from a fight, though her rash attitude can get her into some sticky situations on occasion. With vibrant red hair, dark brown eyes, and standing at 5’3” she puts the term “fire” in Fire Signs. (She’s an Aries in astrology!) When the copycat killings began, it was no surprise when she took the case head on. Jasmine is bisexual.

Asa San Nicholas: Asa is the oldest of a set of triplets; they’re the type to march to the beat of their own drum, often not listening to what anyone has to say about themselves or their interests. Asa is a firm believer in the paranormal and it isn’t uncommon to find them indulging in their interest in various ways. “The spirits are distrubed. These deaths aren’t meant to happen.” Asa’s reason for getting involved seems to tie directly back to their “connection” with the spirits of the town. Asa has black hair, most often tied in a ponytail, hazel eyes, and an olive skin tone. At 6’4” they tower over most everyone...something they seem to enjoy a great deal. Asa doesn’t see gender and is interested in people regardless of how they present.

Leo San Nicholas: The middle of the triplets. They are genderfluid, okay with any pronouns. Leo is, for lack of a better word, eccentric. A bit of an adrenaline junkie, you can often find them cliff diving or giving their siblings heart attacks by playing russian roulette with a chocolate gun. To them, it isn’t fun if there isn’t a little danger involved; naturally, an investigation into a serial killer scratches that itch quite nicely. Their black hair is clipped short, multiple piercings visible on each ear, and their heterochromatic hazel and green eyes are often stated to stare through a person. Although Leo is genderfluid, they are only interested in people who present as female.

The demo is upcoming! When it is available I will make a post announcing it! I will also update this post with the link! This game is written in choicescript; the demo will be published on Dashingdon and the final game will be published for free on itch.io. I am open for questions regarding this game/novel and once the demo is published I will also be publishing a link to my Ko-fi! Until then, please don’t hesitate to ask if you have any questions!

[queerautism]

“It could be that, but it would be a good idea to rule out physical causes like iron deficiency, lack of vitamin D, etc. First.”

im anon for the exhaustion ask, ive gotten tested to see my iron levels n stuff, their high but not to like, a concerning degree, just above average. i dont believe it would be lack of vitamin d since ive been living similarly to as i do now in twrms of things that i’d get vitamin d from and never had as many problems with exhaustion.

depression seems more likely since my mental health has been dying for like, 2 years now, but i dont want to seek professional help even if i should because that would mean dealing with problems i dont want to deal with no matter what that i dont believe i can detail. self destruction, to keep it vague. but ive never had this much problems with exhaustion n shit til now in terms of mentally? its only really surrounded physical stuff which i thought died out awhile ago. and its not like… crushing sadness, really. mostly just numbness so?? hesitant to say it, i guess.

… honestly i kinda thought that i was just lazy, haha. might be too? might be making a big deal outta nothing in terms of what i was talking about with exhaustion.

You're not lazy, because lazyness is not an actual thing. You are not making a big deal out of it. You deserve to feel good, energetic and to enjoy stuff.

At the worst of my depression, numbness was absolutely all I felt. I was exhausted and didn't want to do nothing, couldn't be interested in nothing, and I couldn't see it ever changing in the future. But that's depression lying to you. You can get help and things can get better.