#im very productive just not at the things i should be productive doing
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Practicing Caprice 24 and played so well for the first go that I realized it's time to put down the bow and go do my work.
There is no greater motivator than procrastinating a different thing.
#i dont even have a shoulder rest#i am completely self taught and can't read sheet music....#to someone skilled i sound horrible to someone unknowingly i sound like a god#that said it was still my first try#but also Paganini has rotted my brain#playing fast will break my bow though#i just realized I hqve an insane amoun of skills self taught through procrastination#violin#niccolo paganini#Caprice 24#unintelligible goblin noises#procrastination#screams into the abyss#chaoscore#adhd stuff#adhd#its the neurodivergency#im very productive just not at the things i should be productive doing
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they should allow me full access to every stimulant so i can do them all at once then die
#but i would ask very politely to be shot so it wouldnt hurt#does overdosing hurt Wait#im not smart enough to know what this means#im still mad about molly and ecstasy being the same thing Omg#LIKE BITCH...#time to listen to a nine minute song#WE LOVE#society...#ooohhhhhhhhhh i do love this shitty bass heavy music and i wont be ashamed of it .#like...she should be in the clurb#in the clurb we all fam#charli xcx i love what you have done to my music taste...#MORE INSTRUMENTAL TRACKS#MORE AMBIENT TRACKS#MORE SHITTY BASS HEAVY SOUNDS LIKE IT WAS WRITTEN BY A TEN YEAR OLD MUSIC#like...ptolemy by aphex twin....meet her at the loveparade by whoever the fuck its by....oohhhhhhhhh#AND THA BY APHPEXTWIN#i cant even remember what that sounds like it just deserves to be mentioned#ohhhh the feeling when the like Riff of a song or whatever its called starts after so long of just the same sound...heavenly#they should let me have the full ableton package im just a stupid little rat...#THAT TRANSMASC MUSIC PRODUCTION POST WAS SO GOOD FUCK ALL OF YOU#blah blah!#not 75 stuff
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hi so, checking in (sorry, its personal bullshit again, ill get back to the fandom stuff you actually wanted,,,, eventually)
things. are going bad. like, really bad, like last january bad. like im about to lose all my personhood again bad. im hoping its still just going to be a small blip and things will start upticking soon, but. im bracing for that not to be the case. it feels different to me
i vaguely mentioned earlier in the week taking a bit of a step back, and ive decided to extend that into a full break. my queues probably going to run out before im back, though i have slowed it down some. thatll be the only noticable difference for 99% of people. i wont guarantee any dm responses on here, but ill do my best for the couple of people who have me on discord
i didnt really want to do this again but it gets messy in my head, and ive found the best way to control the clawing beast of attention and need and the things that make me want to be a person i dont want to be is to cut it off at the source. its not nice, and it hurts, and it definitely kills the chances of making friends but. i promise you its better than the alternative.
ill see you when i see you, i guess. i hope its soon. i hope this isnt how it feels to be. i hope the feelings that have existed this week go dormant again. but itll be what itll be. i can't change that
#i know these things do not matter in the long run but it feels important to me to say#easier to concentrate on public presence than the emotions of it i guess#nyxtalks#vent#not going to lie to you my friends. im scared#the problem is ultimately. it all feels rational in the end. it feels weighted and worthy and not just a product of mental illness#so i can sit here and feel as in control of my headspace as i want. its just i agree with my darkest thoughts#am i even a person worth the effort? all evidence points to one very clear answer#anyway#it scares me. ive felt more at home in my skin these past few months. had some rough spots for sure but. i hoped this would go away for muc#longer. i hoped i could at least get a couple of years#i dont know. i live in hopes of an impossible future where the dark doesnt get so dark you know? i think thatd be nice#i still can't function in any of the ways a person should. but at least i wouldnt be such a burden then#itd be easier to carry. if it was lighter#i dont really know what im saying im just. scared & sad & spending my entire day at work catastophising (and sm stuff there is NOT helping)#and all i really want is to lie curled up with my friends and not move for days and be held and comforted and feel a love that is true#and i dont even think thatd change things. i dont think anything can help me#even in my most fantastical scenarios i dont change. im just easier to love that way#ok im going to shut up now i dont think any of that had a point. its just rambles for me and me alone#ill see you when i see you. dont know when but i will be back. i can promise you that much#i have plans to keep for now at least
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One of the funniest things about learning both Spanish and Japanese is that. When I'm rambling to myself in one or the other (as I tend to do, living alone as I do. It's good practice), I sometimes end up unintentionally mixing up "y" and "と(to)". Like they both mean "and", and they just have the same Feelings to me as words. So sometimes I'm speaking in Spanish and catch myself throwing a と in there by accident. Less frequently done with Japanese just bc I am nowhere near as fluent in that as I am in Spanish (and thus less able to just Ramble in it like I can with Spanish), but the spirit is there I think.
Idk I think it's something with the vowels. Spanish and Japanese just have very similar sounding vowels. Makes it real nice to be learning either of them, bc they have pretty similar mouth-feels. Not Entirely the same, especially not once u add consonants in there, but for the basic 5 vowels? A Spanish a is a あ, e is a え, i is a い, o is a お, and u is a う
And I just think that's very refreshing. I really do enjoy learning both these languages, even if sometimes my talking to myself ends up being some hilarious conglomerate of Spanish, Japanese, and English. It's just me talking, so it's fine to get a little silly with it, I think
#speculation nation#when i try to practice in japanese. well im very limited in my verbs and grammar#though i remember a lot of nouns and phrases.#i'll often speak what i know in japanese. then when i come to a roadblock i supplement the word with the one in spanish#or english if i dont know it in either.#ultimately it's just me speaking thoughts out loud. but i think it's a good thing to practice my speaking sometimes.#i dont have anyone to practice with for either of them. so i get what practice that i can.#and maybe that turns into me narrating my actions in other languages as i do them#and maybe that turns into me cooing about how much i love my cats in both spanish and japanese.#i think it is productive overall. and im gonna keep on truckin with it!#i should work on studying them both some more sometime. gotta keep on learning!!!!
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back on my talking in the tags bullshit like it's 2015 🫡
#i am feeling very Ack lately because i have abt ten months left to pay off my stupid ass student debt#which is exciting! i'm ready to go back to school!#but i have noooo idea what i'm going back for and i feel like i need to start firming up a decision so i can kind of get my ducks on a row#but like. girl. it's HARD#i have approximately 5/8 of an elementary education degree#and in an ideal world i would just finish it and become a teacher. boom done. i love teaching i LOVE it!!! i really do!!!#and i'm fucking good at it!!!#but we do not live in an ideal world. lol. i love being a teacher in theory but the reality of becoming a teacher in america#at this current moment.#where im essentially putting myself in the middle of a culture war where i am being casted as a criminal for Being Visibly GNC in front of#people's children. is not really ideal!!!!#and nkt to mention the gun violence and the fact that increasingly parents think they know better than teachers what should b taught and#TERRIBLLE pay a d tons of extra work w no administrative support#it just sounds. nkt great. to be honest.#but like.. what else do i do. i like the idea of mass comm w a production focus but i worry that i'll get disillusioned or dislike it once#it's what i Do...#and i could go back for the science-y stuff i wanted to do as a teenager and that sounds awesome but also#i think i am too dumb. lol. and i would be starting completely from scratch because all my science credits are like#Biology For People Who Just Need A Credit. yknow#and starting over wouldn't be the worst thing in the long run but it's so fucking daunting#i've already dropped out twice 😝🫶 i kinda just wanna finish it all in one fell swoop yknow#ANYWAYYYY. i have time i have so much time actually [shaking and crying and throwing up]
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i dont know where to scream about this but i honestly feel some sort of weird relief that r//nbow high is declining. i knoooow i know it's popular and they've been such high quality dolls and collectors have loved them and some(?) people like the web series (or do they? ive heard mixed things but ive never had any interest in watching it) but oh god. i just. sometimes it takes me awhile to appreciate modern doll lines and their aesthetics but i just could not get past their weird fish faces and in general i do not like monochrome styling themes. i realize their designers did so much with their concepts, i realize a lot of heart and effort went into them, and i completely understand why so many people were floored with the quality of the dolls and the rate at which they were being put out. even though the prices kept rising for them, you could at least see where your money was going, like they were always so well-constructed and doing new things. but like. at the end of the day. on a very basic level they were just never all that aesthetically pleasing to me and it was kind of maddening to see all that potential going towards a line of dolls that had just... like... facial proportions i could not get past lol.
#i wasn't super into the way theyd ape (or 'pay homage to') modern celebrity/designer fashions#but like i get it. that's a strong brand aesthetic. it's NOT something i really care for but yeah.#i guess if you were to compare it to like. lol omg dolls and the way they do so many celebrity homages#i think lol omg elevates it a bit more. im not a HUGE fan of lol omg but im like ok i DO get it.#even tho the faces are flatter and more dead-inside i actually think that makes it more forgivable and doll-like for me.#like. r//nbow high just hits some kind of undesirable middle for me between cartoony and stylized and realistically detailed.#also not everything's about 'quality' and fabric diversity and working zippers and pockets or whatever#i mean those things ARE nice but at the end of the day i just prefer imaginative designs. things should have a mix#not saying rh didnt have those things but. oh god. i just. i just did not like the dolls in themselves#the monochrome thing again i just cant do it. i heavily dislike monochrome doll designs and unnatural colored doll hair#not that it can never be done (the wild colorful hair) but for me it's gotta be done in a very specific way#it has to stand out rather than blend in i guess? idk im not a design expert i have no reason to be so snobby about this#tales from diana#dolls#rant#i actually think whatever they've been doing w their latest line. downgrading everything in 'quality' and making them seem like#they're appealing to a younger audience before and cheapening the production... i think it makes them look less weird to me#i still dont LIKE them but like theyre not off-putting to me. like to me they look no worse#this isn't to like mock anyone who ever really was into rh bc i know that was a lot of ppl. i get it#i just felt VERY alienated by how popular they were and how much lavish praise theyd get all the time#bc overall the end product just lacked smth for me. that i felt like other doll lines had. which was... cuteness#anyway dont take any of my mean opinions too much to heart. remember that i was a na na na surprise fan#i own four of those dolls. so take everything i say w a grain of salt#(i loved them when they were still fabric-bound ngl i thought that was such a cool brand choice... it saddens me theyre hard plastic now)
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Whats a nice way to tell people that freaking out every time a massive corporation uses AI art and acting like THATS what shows they have no morals is silly.
#I dunno guys.#this is about the w/acom thing#Like is it just me or is it like....where was wacom getting the images-#-they used for their products before. Does it really matter theyre using AI generated stock photos now?#Also personally people have gotten so paranoid about AI I dont actually believe anythings#actually AI generated until someone admits it#Like Ill admit Im bad at being able to tell and I dont think staring at images trying to find#any inconsistency and taking that as proof the robots made it is like. actually a useful method here#I dont know I still am very apathetic to the 'its taking jobs from artists!' argument#Still of the stance those jobs were already gone/this was always#the direction the industry was heading#and people are focusing too much on the use of AI specifically as this grand evil thing#I do think it is gonna take jobs I dont know my point here is it still feels to me like#people are mad that theyre not gonna be able to be exploited anymore. If that makes sense.#Like these jobs already sucked and youre mad youre not gonna be able to be overworked instead of being mad about the way the industry like#Is. Like theres a reason these big companies are using AI it fits a trend but you just wanna focus on the AI use specifically. IF THAT MAKE#SENSE. SORRY.#Also not saying people should be thankful for AI taking their jobs Im saying talk about more then the fucking AI#Ok anyway
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#ay ay ay. now that the soul crushing project is done ive elected to spend the week managing data#which is decidedly more chill than what ive been doing for the last month but also isnt not doing anything and it isnt getting stuff done#for when i have to move. so thats annoying. and ive been drawing again at least but i can feel the escalation in my controlling behavior#so its now very frustrating trying to draw anything. coloring is gonna take a million years rip.#also suddenly everyone wants to b social rn? like tomorrow my boss is organizing a thing with an old lab mate and this weekend a#collaborator is having a retirement party. and next week my lab mates wanna do a trivia night. and i kno that i should go to these things.#and i will try but i really dont want to go to any of it. mostly for driving reasons but also im a husk of a person rn. but the more#devastating thing is that uh next week one of the kids i grew up with is getting married to a rich girl lol. and like we werent that close#bc i was and am such an asocial freak but after the wedding my parents r picking up their new camper and camping their way across the#country with my sisters. and im sure someone probably told me the dates of these things at some point but if u tell me dates i will#instantly forget them. so thats. ya kno. happening over basically the next 2 weeks while i have to kill myself over measurements for a#different study i dont care abt. and like. its fine. ill see them mid may for a different planned trip. it just makes me kinda sad#a product of living halfway across the country i guess. im just inherently more disconnected to everyone. i would suspect thsts semi#intentional subconsciously. u cant b upset abt not being able to connect with ppl if you create enough physical distance that u never see#them in the 1st place. u cant misunderstand me if i make myself absent and unknowable. idk. i was explaining to my mum that i didnt realize#the timeline and she was like. understandable whatever u wanna do! and idk y that upsets me so much. i guess its just that i dont want to b#doing this. its causing me pain but dont kno how to articulate it in a way that makes sense. whatever. my mouth hurts. my lips r so chapped#that the irritation is spread past my lip line. probably doesnt help thst i keep rubbing at it lol. anyway things r still annoying#less soul crushing thsn last week but still frustrating#unrelated
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God that mood where you both need to do stuff and want to do stuff but both needs are vague and have too many options so you just. Do nothing you want or need to do and realize all the time you had is disappearing. A good time!!!
#haeroniel talks#forget the tag oh well#but for real. had 4 days off work and a ton of real life stuff i both have to get done and have been meaning to get done for a long time#ive pretty much only played video games and called my friends. genuinely not time wasted and i love when i get to do that#and like rn i would love to play more games and spend time with my friends like if one offers you know i never say no#but its also already getting dark and i have to go back to work tomorrow and ive not done everything i promised to have done yknow?#time doesnt feel real and i dont wanna get up even if the anxiety slowly builds to hopefully productive panic#but in the mean time im like ugghh i wanna stop laying around just playing sudoku and watching lame youtube. i wanna play something#(unclear what it is i actually wanna play too many options i kinda wanna play all of them and none huehheh)#im also very sad i havent drawn in ages and any attempt just feels shit. like maybe if i read enough fanfic thatll respark the love.#id love to post something before christmas to get me excited to draw again over the break but who the hell knows if i'll manage#and yeah still have the annoying job related/driving school related/therapy applying/other life admin that really really should be done#im just being grouchy and stuck and need to vent hi tumblr love you all kiss kiss i wish i could function better#i think maybe perhaps. ill concede that driving school and therapy arent priority (important but ive wasted ages on them already)#i think i can do work related things bc theyre sort of fun. i can use my parents help to whack through the life admin and then#maybe i can let myself spend the rest of the evening guilt free either calling my friends and/or playing or if im going totally w drawin
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Today I learned that there's a limit to the number of notes you can put in a post.
hm actually i made a joke poll like this a while back but now im genuinely curious
#I'm honestly not sure. There's a good chance I'd continue to want to be a historian and teacher like I'm studying to become#but I also love writing so maybe I'd want to stick to doing that full time and writing books and stories#maybe I'd want to be a librarian#or even start a cafe#or a library cafe#maybe I'd become a philosopher#who fucking knows!#The whole point is that everyone's needs will be met you can pursue your passions and contribute according to their abiloty to do so#I think I'd take up some intellectual work#Become a scholar#History and Philosophy and Gender/sexuality Studies and whatever else picked my interest#Consume and produce knowledge#And throw myself into learning literature and writing books#I think some people forget that entertainment would still exist in the leftist commune#movies books video games etc wouldnt stop being made#But rather people would work on them for passion rather than profit#Idk Im just rambling at this point#but like I feel like people underestimate how much capitalism warps their way of thinking#like the very idea of the post feels like “oh if you could do art and hobbies in ur free time what would you do as ACTUAL work”#which is such abhorrent mentality that I feel is cultivated by capitalist culture#these things CAN be what you make your life's work and dedicate yourself to#But without the constraints of capitalism#without worrying about whether becoming a writer will mean not being able to afford rent#without the capitalist social stigma around productivity#ALL trades would be important and seen as valuable as they really are#Like the line between “work” and “hobby” would be very muddied#because we see lots of things that dont generate profit in capitalism but are still valuable work as “hobbies” and give them no social valu#I saw a lot of notes in the post like “oh Id WANT to do this” but maybe I should do something actually useful like farming#which is NOT how I think we should be looking at this! its a world of possibilities and EVERYTHING you do is useful and good for society#even if not productive by capitalist standards or doesnt produce an actual physical thing
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hihi y’all—slight status update?
sorry about the slight gap in posting, i’ve been dealing with some increased light sensitivity + headaches and have some college application stuff i’ve been trying to get done ^^”
i’ve slowly been working on finding gaybian flags but haven’t really spent much time on any smaller terms (currently don’t have the brain power to actually choose any ^^”) so posting might still be slow for a bit
i need to take a break from actual stuff so we’ll see if i can get a few posts queued this weekend
#all the responses to the poll were very much appreciated ^^#i wanna get things posteddd#but whenever i choose a term it either has 2 flags or like a loooot of flags#and the tinier ones feel like i’m not doing anything productive?#and the long ones just take quite a bit#but making these is like big battery increase (productive feeling + mental health reasons mayhaps??)#ig i should go through my drafts (to look for some closer to being done) cuz i have quite a few ^^”#anyways yea idk if im really making the most sense but yee
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#personal#does anyone else feel like its a little bit#6 years without uploading they come back with some ads#cant make unsponsored vids its bout getting that bag#is this just me? i support making bank however one can in this world but it does feel like#like its just a lot yknow? like the frequency of any genuine video made for passion instead of money#they just seem few and far between. im sure theres a dragon contract or something but im so fucking sick of hearing about flamesusan tbh#hm whatever consider this my overstimulated need to have a pissed off rant about something today but it feels weird#the channel feels weird 😕 i still very much admire and respect the boys and i support them supporting their lifestyle#idk how to explain it just feels like theres a looot of ads and very little genuine enjoyment from creating lately like the last#idk 7 or 8 months ive noticed it but maybe its always been like this. or maybe its been like this since the revival idfk im so tired dudes#im so fucking sick to death of living in an internet world and not being able to go even 10 minutes without an ad#or a double ad or an ad right before a sponsor segment or just fucking. its just fucking EVRYWHERE I WANT TO BURN EARTH DOWN AND START AGAIN#nuke it the second anyone invents ads again and keep restarting until we eliminate themmmmmm FUCK#like i just want the comfort content of their voices and personalities but its continuously interrupted#and their personalities dont seem to hold the same level of compassion or passion these days#and surely these things must be related. like the internet will miss yall if you left but its okay to stop youtube. its okay to find#literally any other job if being payed to pretend to care about a pixel dragon and finding any uncreative excuse to make a video#just for the sole purpose of going around your advertisement (so you can claim youre making content and give them a reason to keep sponsorin#if that aint it for you chief then do literally anything else with your time. find employment elsewhere#i know a lot of the tubers and esp the ones that have been doing it for so long think they mighnt be able to get or do any other job#but i promise this just isnt true!#make from the heart again! now that youre not being straight you should have the most freedom to create from the heart!#but theyre not! it feels more repressed and in the closet than the actual time they were in the closet! (or though they were we been knew)#but it feels! so uncomfortable! so unnatural! the videos theyve been making lately feel like theyre aliens hiding in skinsuits#desperately trying to make video advertisements about products their top researchers have assured them that humans like!#but they cant make a whole video of just ad because humans dont like that so put some other crap in there. just enough#to make the stupid humans THINK theyre not just watching an ad. content? no doesnt matter just do some garbage for a few mins#humans are idiots theyll watch anything just try not to look so uncomfortable in your human suits so it seems natural#but it doesnt feel natural. it feels gross and fake and bad. and worse because they are. or rather were. comfort content for me
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reading a magazine because. well i never do that and i think its a strange activity. I think its funny how behind traditional print is from social media, but instead of going its own way this magazine is chasing trends. also like - I wonder what the split is for people who genuinely take pleasure in doing things to do them versus being seen doing them? I don't think it's that shameful to get caught up in the second...its like...indulgent. but i love indulgence
#idk#im so bored#i need this job to start#em yaps#itll be so sexy to be like oh yeah me? no longer unemployed. im an auditor#sighhhhhhh#my second scary thing resolved also - thank god#im listening to a video about sins - i just think the music in the background is beautiful and the mans cadence is so soothing#i wish it was widely seen as a skill for video production that you should have a nice voice/cadence if youre going to do speaking videos...#so many videos ive abandoned because the person is just not a good speaker. in college i did like some monotone professors though#well if they were clearly knowledagble. tax class was maddening because the content sucked not the professor (a lamb)#clearly im like going thru something sorry guys wait no thisi s my blog no sorries#but feel free to block my yap tag#thats why i started using it more regularly#i feel like i want to listen to a bible on tape? i had a good talk w regan the other day about bible theory#but also lowkey...regan dont read this.... i miss wicca i lowkey think i might try to go back to that a little tiny bit it just made me#feel right. i guess bc i grew up with it. but i just feel like with catholicism im never gonna be in the in group? so at least with#my thing i feel on the in group. because its very welcoming#other wiccans#and its very personal and i dont have to play catch up with a bunch of people who kinda want to catch you out and tell u ur wrong and...#correct you. idk. i dont like corrective communication it feels so transactional in that you tried and failed and they want u to feel shame#i should write or something productive. this magazine is kinda lame#some beautiful things#magazine series
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being poor is literally so miserable
#i hate this so much i hope one day there is enough money for me to actually do something go somewhere buy something i want#and my bday is coming up and i have literally $0. i wish there was anything beyond just enough to pay rent (barely) and eat (sometimes)#idk im just bitching i guess but like holy fuck im so stressed 100% if the time and just wish i had room for a tiny bit of retail therapy#things should turn around soon i hope but then again it seems like money just evaporates no matter how much math i do#idk im just a leech anyways so i have no claim to any of it#and obviously when people are in the same situation as me their first thought isnt to give it away as a gift to someone else its to get#somerhing for themselves like i am saying i want to do. obviously. i would be in the same boat#but holy fuck i dont get graphic design commissions anymore because logos dont get changed very often so my only repeat customer hasnt come#back for more any time recently#and no one buys any of the products i make#and i dont have supplies to make anything new#and so i just wont have money.#god being poor fucking sucks so badly it sucks so fucking badly#i should be grateful i have a roof over my head but like holy fuck i wish i could relax let alone buy something for myself WITHOUT THE#PRESSURE OF FEELING LIKE IT HAS TO BE SOMETHING I CAN MAKE MY MONEY BACK FROM. i have a bad habit of thinking anything i do for myself that#doesnt somehow streamline a chore or produce soemthing i can sell or serve some purpose to other people aside from myself i shouldnt get it#even if i really want it#so i have a wishlist of like 1500 items ill probably never buy despite me still wanting them after years#i just look at them and imagine what itd be like to have them lmfao is that pathetic?#fellas is it pathetic to have desires#idk ive been stuck in this same exact spot for years and thats just how it goes#idk when the last time was that i actually bought something i just Wanted tbh. its all been needs or something rhat in my mind if i could#force myself to keep at it and really Create something that i could Sell it and get money out of it because thats all i fucking get a#chance to think about is money#another pathetic birthday for another dismal fucking year#^ peak pessimism#слова-паразиты
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#wishtalks#vent post time ^_^ yay ^_^#feeling very neglected atm#nothing feels like it's going right anymore#school has been tough im literally failing exams#barely have any times for hobbies anymore because i've gotten so busy#depression has been hitting really bad stopping me from being nearly as productive as I should be at a daily basis#I can't shake off the feeling of being burned out from that alone#it doesn't help that i've been struggling to connect to ANYONE at all lately#classmates are nice people but the connection I feel with them is so superficial.#Feels like i'm only ever around because I'm just there by default#I feel like people only really fuck with me here because it directly benefits them#I feel so wrong#I feel like the way I am right now I can never truly connect with people#the few friends I had back home are all growing more distant#they themselves are busy and this new timezone schedule just makes me completely unavailable#I feel like things haven't gotten better for the past 8 months and instead is either remaining stagnant or getting worse#and I can't do anything about it except for idly sit by and watch it deteriorate in front of me#but in a way I don't fault anyone. I would have wanted others to live their lives without me.#It's funny that thought I was deserving of anything different#the only way I can cope is by just accepting that i'm wrong and this is how just how it's supposed to be for people like me#I'm just tired. Nothing I do ever feels right. I feel like the world is telling me I don't deserve anything and I kind of agree#I'm so used to the feeling of neglect it sometimes feels like i'm actively pushing any help or support away. but nothing else feels right#I feel like i've exhausted every person willing to help me out. I feel like nothing helps anymore and im just slowing others down#if you know me personally and you're reading this. i'm sorry I failed you#I'll be okay I just need time to pass
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ppl need to stop equating being messy with being unhealthy
#messiness =/= unhealthiness ok#its messy to have pieces of paper all over the place#its unhealthy to have moldy trash all over the place#THERE. IS. A. DIFFERENCE. *slams fist on table* DAMMIT!#one produces bacteria or fungi and attracts bugs#ones just fucking. paper.#i'm extremely passionate about this.#as a likely autistic kid being told these sorts of things were the same it made me rebellious bc no matter how much ppl tried to#tell me it was the same my brain still knew they were somehow different.#if you're like 'clean that up' and I ask why. you need to give me a good reason why otherwise my brain registers it as something#that will just waste my energy I could be using more productively#and also I knew that paper isnt dangerous and isnt gonna kill me with fungus or bacteria or whatever#but the hammering in became sort of effective at a point bc I started to think they were the same which only made me burnt out#and give up (and for other reasons but thats a story for another day) and instead of seeing clearly like I did before anyone tried to#convince me I wasnt seeing clearly- I just thought of it all as the same. but it's not! some things hold more priority over others. but no#one taught me this. they just told me to clean and then never showed me how or why I should. so I became rebellious bc unfortunately#'because I said so' isnt a very convincing argument for someone w autism lol.#so now i'm having to teach myself how to clean basically from the bottom up and I've had to realize that some things are more important#than others. and im so upset and angry that I was convinced it was all the same when I already knew before it wasnt#just bc i'd be yelled at otherwise#but no- bacteria producing. bug attracting. fungus making things take priority over everything else and i'm not about to let#anyone convince me my space is equally as gross if all I have is paper and empty water bottles everywhere. fuck off.#i do not care about aesthetics. and caring about mess means caring about aesthetics.#any yknow what else is messy? plants in nature. disorganized. inconsistent. growing all over the place. and I think that's beautiful#so personally I dont see the point in getting upset over mess.#I understand getting upset over things that are unhealthy- but not messiness. life is messy and always will be.
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