#im very productive just not at the things i should be productive doing
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ryan-is-a-god · 3 months ago
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Practicing Caprice 24 and played so well for the first go that I realized it's time to put down the bow and go do my work.
There is no greater motivator than procrastinating a different thing.
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bedforddanes75 · 3 months ago
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they should allow me full access to every stimulant so i can do them all at once then die
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heebsjeebs · 10 days ago
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I'm a little... sad? Disappointed? I don't know, both words sound too strong... But I do feel a kind if way about not giving anything to anyone online before the end of the year. I value this place and the people in it too, you know.
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arsenicflame · 3 months ago
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hi so, checking in (sorry, its personal bullshit again, ill get back to the fandom stuff you actually wanted,,,, eventually)
things. are going bad. like, really bad, like last january bad. like im about to lose all my personhood again bad. im hoping its still just going to be a small blip and things will start upticking soon, but. im bracing for that not to be the case. it feels different to me
i vaguely mentioned earlier in the week taking a bit of a step back, and ive decided to extend that into a full break. my queues probably going to run out before im back, though i have slowed it down some. thatll be the only noticable difference for 99% of people. i wont guarantee any dm responses on here, but ill do my best for the couple of people who have me on discord
i didnt really want to do this again but it gets messy in my head, and ive found the best way to control the clawing beast of attention and need and the things that make me want to be a person i dont want to be is to cut it off at the source. its not nice, and it hurts, and it definitely kills the chances of making friends but. i promise you its better than the alternative.
ill see you when i see you, i guess. i hope its soon. i hope this isnt how it feels to be. i hope the feelings that have existed this week go dormant again. but itll be what itll be. i can't change that
#i know these things do not matter in the long run but it feels important to me to say#easier to concentrate on public presence than the emotions of it i guess#nyxtalks#vent#not going to lie to you my friends. im scared#the problem is ultimately. it all feels rational in the end. it feels weighted and worthy and not just a product of mental illness#so i can sit here and feel as in control of my headspace as i want. its just i agree with my darkest thoughts#am i even a person worth the effort? all evidence points to one very clear answer#anyway#it scares me. ive felt more at home in my skin these past few months. had some rough spots for sure but. i hoped this would go away for muc#longer. i hoped i could at least get a couple of years#i dont know. i live in hopes of an impossible future where the dark doesnt get so dark you know? i think thatd be nice#i still can't function in any of the ways a person should. but at least i wouldnt be such a burden then#itd be easier to carry. if it was lighter#i dont really know what im saying im just. scared & sad & spending my entire day at work catastophising (and sm stuff there is NOT helping)#and all i really want is to lie curled up with my friends and not move for days and be held and comforted and feel a love that is true#and i dont even think thatd change things. i dont think anything can help me#even in my most fantastical scenarios i dont change. im just easier to love that way#ok im going to shut up now i dont think any of that had a point. its just rambles for me and me alone#ill see you when i see you. dont know when but i will be back. i can promise you that much#i have plans to keep for now at least
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unriding · 17 days ago
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Me sneaking into your asks with this drabble:
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Disclaimer: I have yet to get a good grasp of Moze's character so this might be a bit OOC and on your side as well (sorry). I did my best. Also, this was inspired by the post you made abt telling Moze your tasks for the day | 600+ words (not proofread)
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In Moze's eyes, you reminded him of a dog catching a case of the zoomies.
You were quite literally everywhere. He'd find you talking to someone one moment before you're rushing off to do something else entirely the next. It seemed like you had quite a lot on your plate as of recently. Tasks, things you wanted to do, and so much more spinning around that mind of yours. You've told him a bit of your plans so he has a general idea. But seeing you juggling all of those tasks at once makes both admiration and concern bloom in his chest.
One time, Moze found you carrying a box filled with items. It would've been amusing to him how comical it was that the items piled so high— he could barely see you behind it. However, he did worry right after given how you almost tripped over something. He managed to catch you and the items before both came crashing all over the floor.
He insisted on helping you carry the items to wherever its destination was. It took a bit of pursuasion on his side. Convincing you that it truly wasn't a bother to him at all, and that he'd be very much glad to be of assistance to you.
"I need to get these delivered first. Then go stop by the shop to buy some things. After that…" You go on to ramble about the things you had to do to help get a better vision on what else you had to do. "Oh, no… I messed up." The smile on your face dropping at the thought that had slipped your mind until that moment. "I forgot to invite Jiaoqiu to dinner with the others—"
"It's tomorrow evening, right? He knows. I mentioned it last time when I spoke to him." Moze says with a calm tone.
You blink at him, slightly caught off-guard by the man beside you. Though it's immediately replaced with relief and gratitude. The smile on your face already back, lighting up your features once more. Infectious as always, it makes the corners of his lips tug upwards as well. A small part of him feels quite proud to have been able to help you ease your worries even by a bit.
And this is when you start noticing it.
Did you mention that you're running out of a certain skincare product, but you can't find the time to stop by the store to buy it? Moze conveniently has to stop by near the store and buys it for you. Did you also mention that you wanted to do a certain task but keep forgetting about it? He gently reminds you about it via message or verbal if he's nearby. Did you also happen to mention that you've been meaning to try out a certain desert from a cafe, but the schedule simply doesn't seem to allow you? No fear, he passes by the store to buy you the treat.
Moze doesn't see you as someone incapable of handling things by yourself. To him, he simply sees it as a way to show his care. If making a quick stop somewhere, sending you a small reminder of something you had to do that day, or even helping you out with the tasks you need to accomplish, makes you smile? Gives you a chance to take a break? Let you worry less about the things you need to do? It's worth it in his eyes.
He does his best to avoid making you feel like you're bothering or troubling him (you really aren't). Most of the time, he does them discrcetly and casually. Partially, since he's also scared that you'll think he's weird or a creep for acting like that.
Please don't think of him badly.
Moze truly means well.
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#🐦‍⬛🐕 .#彡 cy!#彡 inbox.#彡 cherishing.#excuse me cy 🥹🥹🥹 you wrote a drabble based off a vague little post i made about moze 🥺🥺 HOW WILL I EVER THANK YOU 🥺🥺 that is so sweet ?! ?!#600+ words ?!?! CY !!!!!! THANK YOU ?!?????!!!!!! IM IN SHOCK /pos IM STARING AT MY SCREEN LIKE 🥹🥹🥹🥹 YOURE SO KIND YOURE SO SO SO KIND !!!!#‘you reminded him of a dog catching a case of the zoomies’ HANSNDJDN i want to be his dog 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️ and !! i have to say — the energy rush a#him is so real T T HE IS JUST SO FUN HES SO SWEET HES so awesome he’s so lovable — zoomies is inevitable with mr shadow guard of the yaoqin#im smiling so hard at the ‘you were quite literally everywhere’ AAAAAEEEE there is much to explore !!! THIS IS SO CUTE THOUGH IM SO 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺#THE CARRYING THE BOX SCENE ?!???!???? this reminds me of one of previous jobs i had ajanskdkxk YOU DONT REALLY NEED TO SEE . YOU CAN PEER#AROUND THE BOX — BUT MOZE SEEING ME IN SUCH A STATE IS SO EMBARRASSING/pos omg he caught me x0x IM BRIGHT RED AT THIS THOUGHT SHSNJDCJ also#cy !!! i will say that i love your writing and you put down your thoughts ….. this is such a cute read and my heart is so soft reading this#truly truly thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to write something as sweet as this for me ?!?! i am so blown away and so#thankful AND SO EMOTIONAL AND SO HAPPY oh )))): thank you thank you thank you thank you cy!!!! i adore you infinitely 🥹🥹🥹🤍🤍🤍#NOOOOO HE DOESNT NEED TO HELP ME CARRY IT ALL THE WAY THERE 🥹🥹🥹 SURELY SUCH A THING IS NOT IN HIS JOB DESCRIPTION#even if it was i would feel bad !!! T T oh my god please cy this image of him insistently that he’ll help is making me so red /pos he’s so#sweet ))): OH MY GOD AND THE RAMBLING SJSNSNDKXKKS IM REALLY SO RED AND FLUSTERED READING FHIS SKNSNDNX HES LISTENING TO IT 😭😭😭 HE IS#PERCEIVING ME 😭😭😭😭 but i do think my nervous chatter would activate in his presence — oh cy that would be so awful — to talk and talk and#talk his ear off :’) OMG OMG HE ALREADY TOLD JIAOQIU 😭😭😭 SAVIOR MOZE life saver moze i am indebted !!! TWICE NOW . THE BOX AND NOW THIS#him feeling proud ?! 🥹🥹 there is much more for him to feel proud about ! for example — how resilient he is / how strong he is / how kind he#is / how … i should not continue HIM KNOWING WHAT SKINCARE PRODUCTS I USE ????????? AND CHECKING WHEN IT RUNS LOW ??? ))))))): AND THE REMI#REMINDERS * MEAN SO MUCH TO ME OH CY ))): YOU ARE TOO TOO TOO KIND IM SO HONORED TO HAVE RECEIVED SUCH A GIFT insjdjxnj ))): cy !!!!!!!!!!#THE DESSERT …. I LOVE CINNAMON OR LEMON DESSERTS …… oh he is ))): he is too kind )): YOU!! ARE TOO KIND CY !!!!!! I WILL SOB INTO MY HANDS#BECAUSE THIS IS MAKING ME SO HAPPY AND )))): !!!! omg ))):#HE IS SO SWEET . HE MEANS WELL ???? I LOVE HIM I LOVE YOU I LOVE HIM I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU BOTH !!!!! i think i would genuinely burst into#tears thinking about him doing anything for me to :’) ease up some days :’) IM JUST :’) this is so thoughtful and so :’) im so incoherent a#and these tags are so messy — im just so happy and have read this like ten times over !! and go -> 🥹🥹 each and every time#thank you cy !!! ): from the very bottom of my heart!!!! you are such a skilled writer and you have such a kind heart#i saw your post about drabbles for friends and oh — im hugging you so tight — thank you for being so sweet to everyone ): i adore you so mu
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garden-of-flags · 3 months ago
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hihi y’all—slight status update?
sorry about the slight gap in posting, i’ve been dealing with some increased light sensitivity + headaches and have some college application stuff i’ve been trying to get done ^^”
i’ve slowly been working on finding gaybian flags but haven’t really spent much time on any smaller terms (currently don’t have the brain power to actually choose any ^^”) so posting might still be slow for a bit
i need to take a break from actual stuff so we’ll see if i can get a few posts queued this weekend
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orcelito · 8 months ago
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One of the funniest things about learning both Spanish and Japanese is that. When I'm rambling to myself in one or the other (as I tend to do, living alone as I do. It's good practice), I sometimes end up unintentionally mixing up "y" and "と(to)". Like they both mean "and", and they just have the same Feelings to me as words. So sometimes I'm speaking in Spanish and catch myself throwing a と in there by accident. Less frequently done with Japanese just bc I am nowhere near as fluent in that as I am in Spanish (and thus less able to just Ramble in it like I can with Spanish), but the spirit is there I think.
Idk I think it's something with the vowels. Spanish and Japanese just have very similar sounding vowels. Makes it real nice to be learning either of them, bc they have pretty similar mouth-feels. Not Entirely the same, especially not once u add consonants in there, but for the basic 5 vowels? A Spanish a is a あ, e is a え, i is a い, o is a お, and u is a う
And I just think that's very refreshing. I really do enjoy learning both these languages, even if sometimes my talking to myself ends up being some hilarious conglomerate of Spanish, Japanese, and English. It's just me talking, so it's fine to get a little silly with it, I think
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doubletrucks · 2 years ago
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back on my talking in the tags bullshit like it's 2015 🫡
#i am feeling very Ack lately because i have abt ten months left to pay off my stupid ass student debt#which is exciting! i'm ready to go back to school!#but i have noooo idea what i'm going back for and i feel like i need to start firming up a decision so i can kind of get my ducks on a row#but like. girl. it's HARD#i have approximately 5/8 of an elementary education degree#and in an ideal world i would just finish it and become a teacher. boom done. i love teaching i LOVE it!!! i really do!!!#and i'm fucking good at it!!!#but we do not live in an ideal world. lol. i love being a teacher in theory but the reality of becoming a teacher in america#at this current moment.#where im essentially putting myself in the middle of a culture war where i am being casted as a criminal for Being Visibly GNC in front of#people's children. is not really ideal!!!!#and nkt to mention the gun violence and the fact that increasingly parents think they know better than teachers what should b taught and#TERRIBLLE pay a d tons of extra work w no administrative support#it just sounds. nkt great. to be honest.#but like.. what else do i do. i like the idea of mass comm w a production focus but i worry that i'll get disillusioned or dislike it once#it's what i Do...#and i could go back for the science-y stuff i wanted to do as a teenager and that sounds awesome but also#i think i am too dumb. lol. and i would be starting completely from scratch because all my science credits are like#Biology For People Who Just Need A Credit. yknow#and starting over wouldn't be the worst thing in the long run but it's so fucking daunting#i've already dropped out twice 😝🫶 i kinda just wanna finish it all in one fell swoop yknow#ANYWAYYYY. i have time i have so much time actually [shaking and crying and throwing up]
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britneyshakespeare · 1 year ago
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i dont know where to scream about this but i honestly feel some sort of weird relief that r//nbow high is declining. i knoooow i know it's popular and they've been such high quality dolls and collectors have loved them and some(?) people like the web series (or do they? ive heard mixed things but ive never had any interest in watching it) but oh god. i just. sometimes it takes me awhile to appreciate modern doll lines and their aesthetics but i just could not get past their weird fish faces and in general i do not like monochrome styling themes. i realize their designers did so much with their concepts, i realize a lot of heart and effort went into them, and i completely understand why so many people were floored with the quality of the dolls and the rate at which they were being put out. even though the prices kept rising for them, you could at least see where your money was going, like they were always so well-constructed and doing new things. but like. at the end of the day. on a very basic level they were just never all that aesthetically pleasing to me and it was kind of maddening to see all that potential going towards a line of dolls that had just... like... facial proportions i could not get past lol.
#i wasn't super into the way theyd ape (or 'pay homage to') modern celebrity/designer fashions#but like i get it. that's a strong brand aesthetic. it's NOT something i really care for but yeah.#i guess if you were to compare it to like. lol omg dolls and the way they do so many celebrity homages#i think lol omg elevates it a bit more. im not a HUGE fan of lol omg but im like ok i DO get it.#even tho the faces are flatter and more dead-inside i actually think that makes it more forgivable and doll-like for me.#like. r//nbow high just hits some kind of undesirable middle for me between cartoony and stylized and realistically detailed.#also not everything's about 'quality' and fabric diversity and working zippers and pockets or whatever#i mean those things ARE nice but at the end of the day i just prefer imaginative designs. things should have a mix#not saying rh didnt have those things but. oh god. i just. i just did not like the dolls in themselves#the monochrome thing again i just cant do it. i heavily dislike monochrome doll designs and unnatural colored doll hair#not that it can never be done (the wild colorful hair) but for me it's gotta be done in a very specific way#it has to stand out rather than blend in i guess? idk im not a design expert i have no reason to be so snobby about this#tales from diana#dolls#rant#i actually think whatever they've been doing w their latest line. downgrading everything in 'quality' and making them seem like#they're appealing to a younger audience before and cheapening the production... i think it makes them look less weird to me#i still dont LIKE them but like theyre not off-putting to me. like to me they look no worse#this isn't to like mock anyone who ever really was into rh bc i know that was a lot of ppl. i get it#i just felt VERY alienated by how popular they were and how much lavish praise theyd get all the time#bc overall the end product just lacked smth for me. that i felt like other doll lines had. which was... cuteness#anyway dont take any of my mean opinions too much to heart. remember that i was a na na na surprise fan#i own four of those dolls. so take everything i say w a grain of salt#(i loved them when they were still fabric-bound ngl i thought that was such a cool brand choice... it saddens me theyre hard plastic now)
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Whats a nice way to tell people that freaking out every time a massive corporation uses AI art and acting like THATS what shows they have no morals is silly.
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opens-up-4-nobody · 2 years ago
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...
#ay ay ay. now that the soul crushing project is done ive elected to spend the week managing data#which is decidedly more chill than what ive been doing for the last month but also isnt not doing anything and it isnt getting stuff done#for when i have to move. so thats annoying. and ive been drawing again at least but i can feel the escalation in my controlling behavior#so its now very frustrating trying to draw anything. coloring is gonna take a million years rip.#also suddenly everyone wants to b social rn? like tomorrow my boss is organizing a thing with an old lab mate and this weekend a#collaborator is having a retirement party. and next week my lab mates wanna do a trivia night. and i kno that i should go to these things.#and i will try but i really dont want to go to any of it. mostly for driving reasons but also im a husk of a person rn. but the more#devastating thing is that uh next week one of the kids i grew up with is getting married to a rich girl lol. and like we werent that close#bc i was and am such an asocial freak but after the wedding my parents r picking up their new camper and camping their way across the#country with my sisters. and im sure someone probably told me the dates of these things at some point but if u tell me dates i will#instantly forget them. so thats. ya kno. happening over basically the next 2 weeks while i have to kill myself over measurements for a#different study i dont care abt. and like. its fine. ill see them mid may for a different planned trip. it just makes me kinda sad#a product of living halfway across the country i guess. im just inherently more disconnected to everyone. i would suspect thsts semi#intentional subconsciously. u cant b upset abt not being able to connect with ppl if you create enough physical distance that u never see#them in the 1st place. u cant misunderstand me if i make myself absent and unknowable. idk. i was explaining to my mum that i didnt realize#the timeline and she was like. understandable whatever u wanna do! and idk y that upsets me so much. i guess its just that i dont want to b#doing this. its causing me pain but dont kno how to articulate it in a way that makes sense. whatever. my mouth hurts. my lips r so chapped#that the irritation is spread past my lip line. probably doesnt help thst i keep rubbing at it lol. anyway things r still annoying#less soul crushing thsn last week but still frustrating#unrelated
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waytootiredstudent · 1 month ago
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.... I once more have a John Oliver video for the topic:
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It's not bananas but it does highlight the same principal problem - Low prices keep people in poverty and the fact that a few companies buy a big part of the market means they have a lot of control over those prices.
There is a part that states pretty frankly that here is a bottleneck in the production chain: a lot of people farm cocoa beans, a lot of people buy chocolate, but only very few companies buy and basically control the cocoa bean market.
The video is about chocolate and cocoa beans, but the underlying problem(s) can very easily also be applied to other things than cocoa beans.
I'm asking this genuinely, as a 19 yo with no education in economics and a pretty surface level understanding of socialism: can you explain the whole Bananas discourse in a way someone like me might understand? In my understanding it's just "This is just a product we can give up to create better worker conditions and that's fine" but apparently that's not the full picture?
alright so some pretty important background to all this is that we're all talking about the fact that bananas, grown in the global south, are available year-round at extremely low prices all around europe and the USA. it's not really about bananas per so--the banana in this discourse is a synechdoche for all the economic benefits of imperialism.
so how are cheap bananas a result of imperialism? first of all i want to tackle a common and v. silly counterargument: 'oh, these ridiculous communists think it's imperialist for produce to be shipped internationally'. nah. believing that this is the communist objection requires believing in a deeply naive view of international traide. this view goes something like 'well, if honduras has lots of bananas, and people in the usa want bananas and are willing to pay for them, surely everyone wins when the usa buys bananas!'.
there are of course two key errors here and they are both packed into 'honduras has lots of bananas'. for a start, although the bananas are grown in honduras, honduras doesn't really 'have' them, because the plantations are mostly owned by chiquita (formerly known as united fruit) dole, del monte, and other multinationals--when they're not, those multinationals will usually purchase the bananas from honduran growers and conduct the export themselves. and wouldn't you know it, it's those intervening middleman steps--export, import, and retail, where the vast majority of money is made off bananas! so in the process of a banana making its way from honduras to a 7/11, usamerican multinationals make money selling the bananas to usamerican importers who make money selling them to usamerican retailers who make money selling them to usamerican customers.
when chiquita sells a banana to be sold in walmart, a magic trick is being performed: a banana is disappearing from honduras, and yet somehow an american company is paying a second american company for it! this is economic imperialism, the usamerican multinational extracting resources from a nation while simultaneously pocketing the value of those resources.
why does the honduran government allow this? if selling bananas is such a bad deal for the nation, why do they continue to export millions of dollars of banans a year? well, obviously, there's the fact that if they didn't, they would face a coup. the united states is more than willing to intervene and cause mass death and war to protect the profits of its multinationals. but the second, more subtle thing keeping honduras bound to this ridiculously unbalanced relationship is the need for dollars. because the US dollar is the global reserve currency, and the de facto currency of international trade, exporting to the USA is a basic necessity for nations like honduras, guatemala, &c. why is the dollar the global reserve currency? because of usamerican military and economic hegemony, of course. imperialism built upon imperialism!
this is unequal exchange, the neoimperialist terms of international trade that make the 'global economy' a tool of siphoning value and resources from the global south to the imperial core. & this is the second flaw to unravel in 'honduras has a lot of bananas' -- honduras only 'has a lot of bananas' because this global economic hegemony has led to vast unsustainable monoculture banana plantations to dominate the agriculture of honduras. it's long-attested how monoculture growth is unsustainable because it destroys soil and leads to easily-wiped-out-by-infection plants.
so, bananas in the USA are cheap because:
the workers that grow them are barely paid, mistreated, prevented from unionizing, and sometimes murdered
the nations in which the bananas are grown accept brutally unfair trade and tariff terms with the USA because they desperately need a supply of US dollars and so have little position to negotiate
shipping is also much cheaper than it should be because sailors are chronically underpaid and often not paid at all or forced to pay to work (!)
bananas are cheap, in conclusion, because they're produced by underpaid and brutalized workers and then imported on extortionate and unfair terms.
so what, should we all give up bananas? no, and it's a sign of total lack of understanding of socialism as a global movement that all the pearl-clutching usamericans have latched onto the scary communists telling them to stop buying bananas. communism does not care about you as a consumer. individual consumptive choices are not a meaningful arena of political action. the socialist position is not "if there was a socialist reovlution in the usa, we would all stop eating bananas like good little boys", but rather, "if there's a socialist revolution in the countries where bananas are grown, then the availability of bananas in the usa is going to drop, and if you want to be an anti-imperialist in the imperial core you have to accept that".
(this is where the second argument i see about this, 'oh what are you catholic you want me to eat dirt like a monk?' reveals itself as a silly fucking solipsistic misunderstanding)
and again, let's note that the case of the banana can very easily be generalised out to coffee, chocolate, sugar, etc, and that it's not about individual consumptive habits, but about global economic systems. if you are donkey fucking kong and you eat 100 bananas a day i don't care and neither does anyone else. it's about trying to illustrate just one tiny mundane way in which economic imperialism makes the lives of people in the global north more convenient and simpler and so of course there is enormous pushback from people who attach moral value to this and therefore feel like the mean commies are personally calling them evil for eating a nutella or whatever which is frankly pretty tiring. Sad!
tldr: it is not imperialism when produce go on boat but it is imperialism when produce grown for dirt cheap by underpaid workers in a country with a devalued currency is then bought and exported and sold by usamerican companies creating huge amounts of economic value of which the nation in which the banana was grown, let alone the people who actually fucking grew it, don't see a cent -- and this is the engine behind the cheap, available-every-day-all-year-everywhere presence of bananas in the usa (and other places!)
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duskerot · 28 days ago
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i just put together my year in review art summary for the year and its interesting because compared to last year i think my technical skills improved but it feels a little bittersweet overall because as soon as i got my job all of that ambition just vanished LOL
#txt#tbd#not to say i dont still want to draw and create stuff--i still love drawing and ive been expanding into multimedia a lot this year#but more like..#last year every month just about had some big like full illustration that i felt very proud of#sometimes more than one alongside other art!#and this year started with some of those (tho i feel like ive been in and out of art block for kind of a while now)#but as soon as september hit i literally like. i was finishing ref sheets and then its like#lineart only headshot . lineart only drawing with pink laid under it . and those are the most finished things i have for a month#and i like those drawings! and for some people that IS a finished piece which im trying to work towards in my head#i just know I LIKE making full illustrations with nice colors and a background and character interactions#and i have ideas for them but im just so worn out from working. and im barely even part time#and im not working an art job thats draining my creativity or anything. i wonder if an art job would help or if id just#be doubly burned out#i hope maybe i can adapt to work again or maybe theyll give me health insurance and i can talk to a doctor#about my energy issues. idk. cuz if i cant even work part time and keep drawing then its fucking over for me mentally haha#i do draw sometimes but im much slower. and i have to give myself the grace of knowing like#my ass is chipping away at several larger projects during that time that arent visible on my review cuz theyre not done het#yet*#but that doesnt mean i was doing nothing. and even if i was i should know thats fine#like fuck i made my own nendos this year !! im sewing plushes! i just painted a flower pot! im making animations and studying code!#and even then again i like the art i made this year i just want More of it#realistically i have a lot of free time but its hard because i work best starting At the hour i have to be asleep for work#so my peak productive hours im sleeping. :(#except on days off ig but even then its complicated
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mgsdelta · 5 months ago
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being poor is literally so miserable
#i hate this so much i hope one day there is enough money for me to actually do something go somewhere buy something i want#and my bday is coming up and i have literally $0. i wish there was anything beyond just enough to pay rent (barely) and eat (sometimes)#idk im just bitching i guess but like holy fuck im so stressed 100% if the time and just wish i had room for a tiny bit of retail therapy#things should turn around soon i hope but then again it seems like money just evaporates no matter how much math i do#idk im just a leech anyways so i have no claim to any of it#and obviously when people are in the same situation as me their first thought isnt to give it away as a gift to someone else its to get#somerhing for themselves like i am saying i want to do. obviously. i would be in the same boat#but holy fuck i dont get graphic design commissions anymore because logos dont get changed very often so my only repeat customer hasnt come#back for more any time recently#and no one buys any of the products i make#and i dont have supplies to make anything new#and so i just wont have money.#god being poor fucking sucks so badly it sucks so fucking badly#i should be grateful i have a roof over my head but like holy fuck i wish i could relax let alone buy something for myself WITHOUT THE#PRESSURE OF FEELING LIKE IT HAS TO BE SOMETHING I CAN MAKE MY MONEY BACK FROM. i have a bad habit of thinking anything i do for myself that#doesnt somehow streamline a chore or produce soemthing i can sell or serve some purpose to other people aside from myself i shouldnt get it#even if i really want it#so i have a wishlist of like 1500 items ill probably never buy despite me still wanting them after years#i just look at them and imagine what itd be like to have them lmfao is that pathetic?#fellas is it pathetic to have desires#idk ive been stuck in this same exact spot for years and thats just how it goes#idk when the last time was that i actually bought something i just Wanted tbh. its all been needs or something rhat in my mind if i could#force myself to keep at it and really Create something that i could Sell it and get money out of it because thats all i fucking get a#chance to think about is money#another pathetic birthday for another dismal fucking year#^ peak pessimism#слова-паразиты
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wishmkr-jirachi · 5 months ago
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#wishtalks#vent post time ^_^ yay ^_^#feeling very neglected atm#nothing feels like it's going right anymore#school has been tough im literally failing exams#barely have any times for hobbies anymore because i've gotten so busy#depression has been hitting really bad stopping me from being nearly as productive as I should be at a daily basis#I can't shake off the feeling of being burned out from that alone#it doesn't help that i've been struggling to connect to ANYONE at all lately#classmates are nice people but the connection I feel with them is so superficial.#Feels like i'm only ever around because I'm just there by default#I feel like people only really fuck with me here because it directly benefits them#I feel so wrong#I feel like the way I am right now I can never truly connect with people#the few friends I had back home are all growing more distant#they themselves are busy and this new timezone schedule just makes me completely unavailable#I feel like things haven't gotten better for the past 8 months and instead is either remaining stagnant or getting worse#and I can't do anything about it except for idly sit by and watch it deteriorate in front of me#but in a way I don't fault anyone. I would have wanted others to live their lives without me.#It's funny that thought I was deserving of anything different#the only way I can cope is by just accepting that i'm wrong and this is how just how it's supposed to be for people like me#I'm just tired. Nothing I do ever feels right. I feel like the world is telling me I don't deserve anything and I kind of agree#I'm so used to the feeling of neglect it sometimes feels like i'm actively pushing any help or support away. but nothing else feels right#I feel like i've exhausted every person willing to help me out. I feel like nothing helps anymore and im just slowing others down#if you know me personally and you're reading this. i'm sorry I failed you#I'll be okay I just need time to pass
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witch-queen-of-lesbos · 2 years ago
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Today I learned that there's a limit to the number of notes you can put in a post.
hm actually i made a joke poll like this a while back but now im genuinely curious
#I'm honestly not sure. There's a good chance I'd continue to want to be a historian and teacher like I'm studying to become#but I also love writing so maybe I'd want to stick to doing that full time and writing books and stories#maybe I'd want to be a librarian#or even start a cafe#or a library cafe#maybe I'd become a philosopher#who fucking knows!#The whole point is that everyone's needs will be met you can pursue your passions and contribute according to their abiloty to do so#I think I'd take up some intellectual work#Become a scholar#History and Philosophy and Gender/sexuality Studies and whatever else picked my interest#Consume and produce knowledge#And throw myself into learning literature and writing books#I think some people forget that entertainment would still exist in the leftist commune#movies books video games etc wouldnt stop being made#But rather people would work on them for passion rather than profit#Idk Im just rambling at this point#but like I feel like people underestimate how much capitalism warps their way of thinking#like the very idea of the post feels like “oh if you could do art and hobbies in ur free time what would you do as ACTUAL work”#which is such abhorrent mentality that I feel is cultivated by capitalist culture#these things CAN be what you make your life's work and dedicate yourself to#But without the constraints of capitalism#without worrying about whether becoming a writer will mean not being able to afford rent#without the capitalist social stigma around productivity#ALL trades would be important and seen as valuable as they really are#Like the line between “work” and “hobby” would be very muddied#because we see lots of things that dont generate profit in capitalism but are still valuable work as “hobbies” and give them no social valu#I saw a lot of notes in the post like “oh Id WANT to do this” but maybe I should do something actually useful like farming#which is NOT how I think we should be looking at this! its a world of possibilities and EVERYTHING you do is useful and good for society#even if not productive by capitalist standards or doesnt produce an actual physical thing
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