#im trying something new and im TERRIFIED
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#sims 4#simblr#imailegacy#ig1#when you say you're like everyone else#are you really???#im trying something new and im TERRIFIED#nylah*
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someone teach me how to use kt tape especially for my knees please i am begging how the fuck does this stuff work
#personal.txt#ik it’s not the same as a knee brace or knee sleeves and that’s fully the point#aka my brace and knee sleeves are miserable in the summer cause it makes my knees really warm and then obviously sweaty and then i feel#disgusting and like i want to die#so oh well kt tape was the next option recommended to me but fun fact abt me im terrified to try new things#and i also live in fear of feeling stupid like getting something and not knowing how to use it
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on one hand. it's deeply funny how whenever I'm in a new situation/I'm busy my bodies just like yeah we don't need food right it's fineee and then I barely eat because I forget to/don't feel like it. on the other hand I would really like to. yk. try more Japanese food while I'm here? like cmon man work with me here
#its like#im not not eating yk#ive been living off seven eleven sandwiches and onigiri#and a shit ton of drinks while I'm out#i think its a combo of like#a. me kinda shifting into the same mindset i get at cons where its just go go go make the most of it do everything you can eat and feel like#shit when you get home#b. food expensive. not that expensive but it feels like a cost yk#c. shit ton of unfamiliar food and again. dont want to waste money on something i wont like. my ass is bad with certain textures and tastes#i feel bad getting boring western food bc migjt as well try something new while im here right but also all the new stuff scares me#d. going anywhere that isnt a self serve conbini/fast food place is uh. terrifying? idk.how to do that#e. i just forget food is a thing i need#idk im bad with food in general#hashtag autism thingss#but i think theres just a lot of compounding factors that lead to more stress around this#(new country so new things so i dont know if ill like them but i need to try them while im here bc i migjt never get to again and then ill#regret it forever but idk how but i cant just keep going to the same two or three places but going anywhere else takes forever ajd feels#like a waste of time but-)#so my brain just kinda goes. lmaao yeah no and then avoids thinking abt it?#or maybe im just overthinking it who fuckin knows#probably overthinking. and oversharing#lol. lmao even#idk im not really a huge food person anyway? still seems like a waste ig#drinks are fucking incredible tho#and hey im getting hydrated while im walkong aroind thats more than i usually get#imngonna. shut up jow#me.txt
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#having a bad time tonight tbh#1. i have a sore throat#2. bottom dysphoria is kicking my arse. breaking my queer little heart.#it's pretty new i don't have any tricks to help#3. thinkin bout cancer#like like um so#i don't want bottom surgery purely cs it's a whole thing to sort and you have to go under a bunch#and im terrified of just not waking up y'know#i can and i will for top surgery and hysto ill force myself through it bcs it is what i want#for trans reasons#and also hey i can definitely die slowly of various cancers#like my nan and her mum. and my gran (not dead yet). and my dads (bio one clear for 25/4 years. blacksmith one currently getting a diag).#or! i can maybe die quickly of something that is actually useful to me. y'know.#but bottom surgery is still 3 goes am i remembering right? for something that like#i am uh. like it's not fair. it's not. i should and i don't and ugh.#but it's too much to do to fix it. dyou know? and i just i just#bluh#im. gonna try not to think for a while. gonna watch stupid youtube videos instead
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RATS are NOT your friends at night while you're reading a scary book
#so if you didnt know. rats are nocturnal#so its 2am where i am rn. my room is pitch dark because i have my blinds shut#and im reading a scary book. lots of spooky creatures and body horror and haunted shit#and my rats. are knocking shit over and chewing on things and generally being menaces#or theyll go silent for a minute abd i think theyre chilling and then all of a sudden theyll drop a toy or something#and scare the shit out of me#they use their spooky little hands to climb on the bars of their cage. and they use their spooky little teeth to aggressively eat kibble#and i gave them new toys today. these edible foraging toys that they love#but that means my room is full of the sound of pulling on bars. or the clicking of a water bottle. or chewing. so muvh chewing#and im reading about this dead body come back to life. with like all of her bones broken. killing a guy in the most grotesque way#and its altogether a very bad experience#i was bored for the first 70ish pages but then it got really fucking good and im hooked. but its also terrifying#the rats have gone silent but now my dog is shifting in his kennel outside my room#both are terrifying. why are my rats silent. why is my dog moving. when will he move next#these animals are harassing me. whats next. my sibling's rabbit is going to break in? in roommate's cat will start scratching at the door?#if my landlord is reading this then ignore all of these tags. we only have a dog sir. no rodents or felines or whatever tf a rabbit is here#ah the rats are making sounds again. terrible horrifying sounds#i have to piss but im scared to get out of bed. i think i live here now. in bed. i cant leave#on a somewhat related note i really want to make deviled eggs rn but i have roommates that are trying to sleep#on one hand i miss living alone. on the other it makes me feel safer to have two other people here with me#even if the threat is only my imagination#and my mischievous critters
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avoiding talking to my fp about feelings by ignoring them again peace and love on planet earth
#vent post#sorry i just#' let me be selfish this once ' i . always try#i dont know how to convince her that im not leaving#anytime i express happiness that fp2 talked to me ( which ties into a fear that i have about fps not speaking to me for days at a time )#( thanks jay )#he gets upset and immediately thinks ive just . replaced her as someone special in my life#when honestly at this point i dont think i could ever live without him ? really ??#i dont know what i can do to finally make her realize that no matter what im literally still always talking to him at the end of the day#even when we fight even if someone else had my attention even when i have a partner thats not him#i dont know what to do and its scary and people are so terrifying i dont want her upset over me time and time again#he really needs to find a new fp or just try not to care about me so much because 1 ) im not something that should be cared about in the -#- first place and 2 ) i clearly just keep directly upsetting her over and over so im not good for him whatsoever#even if im not doing it on purpose he splits directly because of me and when i split at her its because ive let things stack up without -#- handling them for too long so its more like misdirected rage because im such a high strung person#i dunno man im just#one of my fps hardly talks to me and the other is too attached to me im stuck in a hell of my own creation#might call the crisis line again its such a time#man i so totally really love december nothing bad EVER happens in december !!!!
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I've always really wanted to make music (almost all of the 250 notes on my phone are lyrics I've been compiling for months and there were hundreds more on my other phones that are lost forever now) but I've been so scared and idk why. I should just do it because I think I'll regret not doing it but there's so many things I'm scared of.
I feel overwhelmed when people talk about making music and it sounds so hard and like their process is so intense and requires so much knowledge and equipment and and *insert x thing they need here* and I'm over here, recording a bit of audio on my phone and trying my best with pre-made instrument loopers on a free app. Idk, it's like somehow people convinced it can't be easy or I'm doing it wrong and I honestly still don't know if they were right or not
#im also so scared about people not liking my music#but also scared of people liking it too#its like i dont want people i know to hear it i think because their opinions matter too much to me maybe#im scared people i know will like it and actually really listen and realize im talking about myself and see me differently or smthn#its not that theyll see me differently... its that theyll see me at all#thats a terrifying thought#but sometimes i also wonder if some stranger on the internet will listen to a song- maybe just once or twice#but for a small moment theyll be there with me in a way#getting lost in what the song feels like and appreciating it#maybe it will be the shitty song someone shows their friends when they pass the aux#maybe as an artist I'll be some small treasure to a few people. something that they feel they can keep forever even tho it isnt me#idk i like those thoughts i think. i dont want to be famous or anything i just kind of want it to be recorded#i want to be able to be seen even i dont ever decide i want that#i want to make something that i love now and in 5 years listen back on and go 'wow this sucked ass lmao. good for him'#i want to know something and i dont know what it is but i feel like if i keep digging and writing and exposing myself#and thinking and trying and making things... maybe I'll be able to give form to some new concept#maybe ill put it into words- what i really want to say but dont know how to. maybe ill make something out of these abstractions and chaos#and most of all... maybe I'll actually enjoy it too
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in conclusion, I have no choice but to try to recover again. or else another two years will pass me by and I'll be so fucking tired
#it's so terrifying and no one gets it unless they've experienced it first hand lol#like it's easy to think that it's just the Vanity Mental Illness but for me. its the perfectionism illness. it's the i need to feel like#everything is not falling apart always illness#and to let go of it is terrifying. but i have to try or else I'll be so stuck#more than i already feel what with depression#one less illness will make things less insufferable in the long term. i keep telling myself that.#it's weird because im so attached to having a restrictive eating disorder. it's like a shadow that follows me everywhere#but i have to get a new shadow or else I'll be burdening myself further. i keep thinking#'whats the point of trying to get better if it's all doomed anyway? if im so fucked anyway? if I'll kill myself anyway?'#and i guess the answer is. the point is WHY NOT (by loona)#kidding no but actually#the answer is why not give it a shot. like just for the sake of it#how do you KNOW it's all fucked#if it really truly is and you cant take it anymore then the eating disorder is there#you can take it back. reunite rekindle the flame whatever#i dont believe anything im typing rn btw like im suffering in real time bc everything feels so utterly pointless#but whatever if i kill myself at least it'd be with one less illness. or something. i dont know#at least it wouldn't be because i was hungry LMFAO#z.post
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Goddamb man I am fucking TIRED
Was so clenched up driving on the highway (fucking merge lanes/multiple routes converging) that my shoulders are KILLING me 😭 I need $200, 6 advil, a massage ASAP sgdgdgdg
#i wasnt even planning on being on the highway lmao i was just driving around for fun and i ended up at a spot like ah shit the only options#are keep going straight and end up on the highway or turn around and i dont wanna turn around... mmm highway it is#and it wasnt bad! i went to a new area and then pulled off and got lost (ofc) but ive been doing this thing where i purposely#get lost driving somewhere new and then have to find my way home without my phone and ive been doing pretty well!#im trying to familiarize myself with routes/directions and visualizing a map like okay im in (south area) and home is northeast im going#west so i need to turn around somewhere and ill be in the right direction at least and that should get me on the right track#it's actually really fun sgdggd i have gotten MORE LOST by taking the wrong exit and ending up downtown or something but i found my way#just fine! :D#marquilla#anyway i had a car up my ass on the freeway and i had to merge going 60mph and god is that terrifying
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#*problems occur on a project multiple ppl r working on* my boss @ me: what do u wanna do?#me. disastrously burnt out: i couldnt not even to give a fuck abt all this. i dont care i dont care i dont care#but thats not what i say. i say ok ill talk to the ppl and see how i can drop everything to help. and that probably means driving an hour#away to the other uni which is irrationally terrifying to me to the point where it will probably destroy my whole week a prevent me from#sleeping when i already am struggling to sleep. but its fine. ill get it done and itll be fine. for this stupid fucking project i dont#care abt. ay its so weird. ive never been this angry abt things. i mean its not even really anger its more dispair and frustration but it#manifests as just wanting to scream and throw a fit like a toddler. and i mean its my fault. i dont have to live the way that i do. i mean#i do but in an irrational compulsive way that i cant entirely control. but like its Saturday and i sepent 6 and a half hours taking#measurements and then met with my boss for like an hour and she was showing me cool imagines and talking abt cool new collaborators at her#new school and im just sitting there trying to maintain a smile bc my brain is semi disconnected from my body and im so exhausted#ugh. my brain is so fucked rn. i dont want to drive with even lower functioning thsn usual. and i was gonna meet my friend Tuesday morning#for once. and i might have to drive back and forth multiple days. ans what's my reward if were successful? two fucking weeks of watering#and measurement taking and i might have to stand around other ppl in all that time as well. usually im off spinning in circles by myself#amd looking unapproachable. i dont want to have to b a person around the undergrads#god im so weird. its like from the outside perspective if u were looking thru the window at me u would see me using a hammer and assume im#putting something together and i am but im also hammering nails thru my hand which no one asked me to do#so then why do i have to do it? ugh. thats y its a hard thing to complain abt bc ppl r like oh it sounds like ur compulsive habbits make u#productive and successful and yea sure but they're also destroying my life. im laying on the floor doubled over in pain and ppl r like oh#look how useful u r. who gives a fuck everything feels stretched and distorted like im suffering some sort of selfimposed Devin punishment#whatever. fuck this. tomorrow ill try my hardest to relax. literally i cant remember the last time i stayed in bed until at least 7am. ugh#but i also have some bullshit i have to get done tomorrow so well see#uuuuuugh let me leave this place @ schools send me ur official offers pls i wanna plan out my life for the next 5yrs#unrelated
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you're all cowards acting like you don't want this to happen
It’s been two years since the great gatsby entered the public domain and Netflix hasn’t even made a horrible miniseries adaptation where they are all hot and gay and racially diverse but in a totally hollow meaningless unsexy way. We used to live in society
#'OP i know youre joking-' ok well IM not#idk if OP was or not#give me the shitty gatsby show that sounds incredible#even if its bad i want it made#also like. honestly. i want more shitty media that at least tried to be interesting and new#this whole 'ohhh but it might SUCK BAD so it SHOULDNT BE ATTEMPTED' annoys me#this is the mindset getting us endless nostalgia bait everyones terrified of trying something new
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OK so ur a transmisogynist. Good to know!
sure, whatever. believe whatever u want at this point. u can have this one thing if it makes u feel better
#meow#i am simply not insecure enough to play this game man#i dont feel the need to prove anything abt myself or read some new theory yall are touting just to fit in#a trans woman has never felt unsafe around me til this point so i think im doing something right#ur white knights in tarnished armor on ur ivory towers trying to feel better abt what bitter cunts u are#overcompensating with this months discourse and accusing others of what ur so deeply terrified of being#and thats all ull ever be
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one day i will be strong enough to actually say how i feel
#at dinner we were talking about dating as a concept and i was saying how like i havent been seeing anyone else lately bc ppl Piss me off#and also just bc ive been too busy with work. so i just havent had time to be a hoe on top of that anyways#but. i keep seeing him because He does not piss me off. i like him. but i couldnt even say that#anyways he was like 'yeah i don't really know what i'm looking for rn' and my dumbass was just like 'yeah me neither' on auto response#but ofc i know what it is that i am looking for it is just a reality i am kind of still terrified of so i say nothing about it ehehehe#but hey we mutually agreed that we're looking for someone to try new things with which makes me feel hopeful#and we spent the whole night together for the first time !!! it was rly nice!! i told him i wanna do it again n he seemed happy abt tht lol#and im gonna introduce him to my best friend :) i rly think theyd get along lol. and she is like family to me#maybe next time... i can at least tell him that he makes me rly happy. he can definitely tell but. i wanna tell him SOMETHING aaaa
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Tw animal death
I just lost one of my pet rats and I need to talk about it I guess
I just didn't expect this. He's been doing better, eating and drinking and moving around the cage. Last night I let myself believe for a moment that he would get better. But then I checked on him this morning and he was gone. I let his brother see him, and once he lost interest I took him out. But once I held him in my arms I just couldn't let him go. Because that's my baby. He's my baby and I love and miss him so much and I don't know what to do.
I got him and his brother from a friend because she had to move to an apartment that didn't accept pets and her family couldn't take them, so I took them because I was moving and wanted some critters to accompany me. And they were the best things that ever happened to me. Taking care of them and loving them was one of my favorite parts of life. I missed them while I was at work and couldn't wait to get home and let them out for free roam time. And now one is gone, and I have to tell my friend and I don't know how to. Text or call, what to say, anything.
He's in a little box with a couple toys, some goldfish crackers (his favorite snack) and a piece of hammock (he loved snuggling with his brother in a hammock). And I had to decide how to take care of my baby. I live in the city with no green spaces and no yard. When planning I thought I could just put him out with the trash, but holding him after he was gone made me completely unable to do that. I checked some rat groups on Facebook and they recommended burying him in a plant pot, so that's what I'm going to. As soon as I'm okay enough to leave my room I'm gonna go to the plant shop and get him a beautiful plant in a nice big pot. And I wanted something to keep of him, and to give to his old owner if she wants it, so I took some of his fluff and put it in a little jar meant to hang on a necklace and I'll mail it if she wants it.
I just needed to say all of this to process it ig. I wouldn't mind some nice words or pictures of your pets, if you're willing to share. Otherwise, I hope you all have a wonderful day.
#tw animal death#i still have two ratties#splinter (brother) and popcorn (new)#becaude i know rats are fragile and on the off chsnce that something happened i wanted my ratties to still have a friend#because theyre social babies and need friends. so i got popcorn because i love rats and just in case anything happened#but now im terrified because rats dont hsve long life spans and theyre fragile and i love them so much and i dont want to lose them#but im going to lose them both eventually. sooner than id like. popcorn was a feeder rat so he might not make it as long as he should#ive been crying for a crisp three hours now. and i dont want to leave my room because my sibling will see that im crying#and idk why but i hate being comforted when im crying and my sibling will try and then ill break down further#theres so much to do i realized. im a doer when im upset. so i made a list of everything i have to do#lay him to rest and figure out how to do that. tell his old owner what happened. deep clean the cage he was in#schedule a vet appointment for the other two in case they caught what he had#pay extra attention to his brother so he doesnt get depressed#and somehow calm down enough to go into a store and buy a plant and pot for my baby#thankfully i don't work today. I'd have to call out honestly
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my god i really need my brain to be less loud
#started my last semester at uni today and im#oh fucking hell#i know i usually feel like this when i start a new term/semester but today also marks starting my thesis and im sooo fucking terrified#like not only of this but also just for the future that lies ahead#i know its futile to worry about this because i literally cannot do anything but work towards it#and i dont want to be scared but my mind is not catching up with that right now :')#lets just.. try to put it aside for now and watch something fun#ugh#natasja's babbling
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new dream lore just started for me: Jurassic Park reboot but this time they're cartoon dinosaur plane hybrids
#jamie has made a statement#my dreams#brain gave me only one hour of shitass sleep to poop this one out#was kinda genuinely terrifying at the end but also one of those dreams where youre like. hmm.#this would be a funny one to share#still thinking about the sacred meat private meat dream#recently im trying this new thing called being vulnerable and as a result my dreams are something im#losing some control over....... bc i usually can nope out before its a bad situation#it ended with a weird half dream greek chorus style about princess motifs#i dont want to go back to sleep now if this is what 1.5 hours gave me
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