#im totally not hyperventalating

[getyourvitamin-bri]

Not Ed being all “you torture like a bitch” chill until Stede starts to get tortured and then he’s ready to fuck him up 

[tistic-hellspwn]

school doodles

i return once more with art from my suffering in the american educational system. here are the products.

here are the things i drew in my adobe illustrator class this morning

and heres the shit from the rest of the day

[crystalninjaphoenix]

The Magnificent Guide to Magic

Some Tools for Magic

Tools are one of the reasons you can confuse magick for magic very easily. The difference between items used in magic spells and items used in magick rituals is that in rituals, the power is contained within the items themselves, for some unknown reason. However, if you need a tool to cast a spell, that means the magician needs a device to channel or refine their magical energy.

There are specific tools for specific jobs, so instead of dumping a shitload of information onto the page, I’m gonna put it in a list.

Spell words: the most common type of “tool” you’ll see. I don’t even know if they count as tools, but they serve the same purpose. Words almost always go with spells, although the more you practice one the less you’ll need the words. Like learning how to drive, eventually you just go on autopilot and instinctively know what to do, but at first you have to concentrate on all these complicated things. Think of words like those YouTube videos on how-to-drive (Sidenote: Chase has told me to tell everyone to never let me drive anywhere, because even though I can do it, I suck ass at it. So there’s a warning if any of you ever meet me in person.) Most spell words are in either dead languages or runic languages, though there’s an increasing portion of them in modern day languages. You just need to speak them as you concentrate on whatever the spell itself is supposed to do.

Wands: Not every magician has one. I do, but some don’t. Wands are supposed to direct the spell at its target. Say you want to shoot fire. Point the wand, and fire will come shooting out of the tip. Pointing your finger or waving your hand can work too, but it’ll be a lot less inaccurate. I advise blossoming young magicians to use a wand unless you lose it and it’s an emergency, or the target is right in fucking front of you. For experienced magicians, you do you. If you think you’ve had enough aiming practice that you’re accurate without a wand, go ahead. I personally prefer a wand, but I also tend to play with it when I’m nervous, according to JJ, so maybe I keep it for that reason. If you’re looking for a wand, there are only two rules: make sure it’s fairly straight, and keep it short: maybe a foot or a foot in a half (I dunno I’m not American but that’s what I heard and it’s easier to say than half a meter). Decorate your wand however you want.  Mine’s collapsible and looks like a street magician’s wand, for the nostalgia.

Staffs: Long wands. Same principle, point at target. Some of them have crystals embedded in the top, and you gotta watch out for those ones because staffs with crystals can send spells in waves, like an area of effect attack. Magicians can also do that on their own without tools, but these ones can go much far ther an d end u p st r  o n  g   e    r

Sorry about that. I tried to keep writing, really, but for fuck’s sake how am I supposed to be able to do that in this tiny ass space?! I started hyperventalating, no biggie, I fixed it by pulling down all the clothes that were hanging up because you know rooms look bigger when theres not stuff in them and now I feel kinda better but god this is so sssmall traitor friends still wont let me out for fucks sake guys Im gonna die in here

No I’m not. Not gonna die in here. It’s fine. Everything is fine.

Feel a bit better now that I’ve written it. Anyways, to continue.

Crystals: A lot of them are used to hold and/or amplify magical energy. A magician can pour their magic into a crystal and then later they’ll be able to draw out that energy, like a reserve. Or they can channel a spell through the crystal and it’ll come out more powerful. There are specific types of crystals that are best used for specific spells, but I don’t know them all. Emeralds and other crystals from that group are best for combat-type spells, rubies and sapphires are good for elements, diamonds are for mental magic, there are a shitload of more obscure crystals that work incredibly well for specific spells, and that’s about the extent of my knowledge.

Mirrors & Crystal Balls: Used for scrying. I’m no expert on that, I’ve only done that once and 1) it was an emergency 2) the bowl exploded. Oh yeah, you can also use bowls of liquids if you don’t have mirrors or crystal balls. Also JJ tells me that if you can, use crystal balls as a last resort because the curve of the ball will distort the vision, but I don’t know how accurate that is because he’s just a witch fuck sorry that sounded mean he wasn’t born with magic, and admits he doesn’t know as much as a magician would.

Runes: These guys are the catch-all to make anything that’s not magic into magic, or even magick. Carve them on a necklace? Boom, you got an amulet. Write them on a piece of paper or paint them on a piece of wood? Boom, you got a talisman. Put them on a staff or wand? That staff or wand is gonna be really good at casting whatever type spell depending on the runes. Runes are VERY complicated, and maybe deserve an entry all on their own. But make sure to only use runes from one alphabet, since there are multiple. Otherwise things could literally backfire.

Knives and Other Weapons: For when you want to stab a bitch, but with magic. Usually magic is the spice on top of the normal weapon, able to make it burst into flames, or freeze whatever it touches, or explode the nearest item. They’re very versatile, provided you only want to use them to fight or destroy things. Knives have a special place because a lot of magicians use them for combat and to double as wands! They’re straight and short enough and you can use them to stab yoUr friEndS SLit thEIr FuckING thROAtS liKE theY DESErvE IGNORE THAT I DON’T KNOW WHERE THAT CAME FROM HOLY SHIT

Okay I think I may actually be losing my mind in here. Time to bang on the door again.

They didn’t answer. Fuck are they even there anymore? They wouldn’t just leave, would they? The door is totally stuck it’s like I’m trying to open a wall decoration please tell me they didnt leave fuck fuck fuckfuckfuck

ITS FINE ITS FINE ITS FINE

They probably just got tired of answering me every few minutes. Or maybe Schneep left and just JJ is there. I’m gonna go with that, it’ll explain things the best. I’m just gonna...write more. It’s fine. It’s fine. This’ll give me something to focus on besides   you know. Just keep moving on.

[sincerely-us-imagines]

man i really love getting in dumb fucking fights with my bf for pretty much no reason

[extremelyaverageincrediblynormal]

I think its time to update this thing with everything that has been going on. A lot of beautiful things have happened the past 6 months, but when i look back, its a supercut of mental breakdowns and self harm. Surprisingly, i havent seriously thought about killing myself, but I am definitely putting a strain on my mental health, and i dont think i saw the signs until i was 4-5 months deep. until i was at the hospital. until i was crying in my work bathroom every day for 5 days. and even then, i still tried to keep telling myself if i give up, i am mentally weak. i still tell myself that know, as i try to get myself out of this situation. so lets explain the situation. I will try my best to go back to may and bring you up to speed.

I started working at this job... lets call it, the hellpit. I started in February, and they agreed to give me time off in april to go to japan. I was pretty happy about that, but i remember about a month and a half in, i seriously considered quitting, and that seemed early. I was annoyed at the lack of organization with the products we were selling, and the extra stress it put on the front of house employees. The job ITSELF wasnt so bad, it was simple tasks that were sometimes fun. But the customers were the worst. This is a private club, so we see the exact same people every single day, and i work in a half grab&go half diner. And we get treated like we are nothing. most of the time, we dont even get a “hi” or “thank you”, but we are required to smile and be polite, tell the customers to have a nice day. One girl got fired because she didnt smile enough and was kind of a quiet person. oops. But then i got my best friend hired, and i started enjoying my days a bit more. Japan gave me some perspective on life and i was running off that energy for about a month. I was also moving at the end of may so that took most of my focus. I was then asked to work in the poolside snack bar/ actual bar. I was excited, it sounded like a fun, fast-paced environment. I feel dissapointed writing that because I was so wrong. It makes me feel sad.

I would be working closer to the actual manager. Now, there is drama going on with that. there was 2 managers, R and C. R had been there for 13 years, had close relationships with the people in my workplace. she was even sister-in-laws with someone there. And then C comes in, and sees that there is a lot wrong with how the cafe is running. she wasnt totally wrong, but she has a large personality and isnt afraid to shit talk people. she came in and tried to change everything, and I dont know exactly what happened behind the scenes but R left on a 3 month stress leave, came back for 3 weeks and quit. If that doesnt tell you something about what it’s like to work along C, ive got more. 

So this poolside hellbox was usually run by some other managers in the club, but C insisted on running it herself, putting her employees in it, etc. it was going to be the best year the poolside hellbox has ever seen. it was small, but it needed at least 3 people to run properly. Sure, it could be slow on cold days, but on hot days, it was a nightmare if there was only 2 people. Because we had to do everything; open, stock all the food, take orders, make orders, and pass them off, and close. it was truly exhausting and our days were always 9-10 hours, no breaks. She also stopped putting 3 people, brought it down to 2, usually 1. it was incredibly stressful. I tried to talk to her about my concerns, and she completely agreed. so i thought things would change. they did not. after some time, i injured my rotator cuff, and that lasted about a week until my entire back seized up and i had to go to the doctor. i was physically burnt out. and she had to work one of my shifts because i was medically ordered to take a break from work. writing this is making my back hurt.... funny how that works. anyways, i came back and she told me about how HARD of a day she had when she had to be in there for 6 hours. I thought to myself, good, she will finally understand. She never did. put me back in it, working 6 days a week, no tips, no breaks, 9 hours. there was a day where the air quality was so bad that my coworker with asthma expressed how ill the smoke makes him feel and that he cant breath, and she made sure he felt guilty for not telling her before hand. and then when we werent even making money that day, she blamed the people upstairs for not making the call to close it. i cant believe it.

the PSH finally closed for the year, but she wanted one more day to make a bunch of money. So there is another key player here. J. J has the title of supervisor but doesnt always act like it. C expresses how she feels about J often, and shes the only one who has the power to do something about it but does she? No. 

So on this day, C is not at the Bad place, so in any other situation, J would be in charge. But C insisted that I text her and listen to what SHE said. and she said she wanted to open the PSH 2 hours early. J said it was too busy and we needed coverage. I listened to J. The fact that we didnt open 2 hours earlier really upset C. she was so mad at J for making that call, and i was upset that i was put in a position where i had no idea who to listen to. 

So that was the day i decided i couldnt be there next summer. I needed to leave before the PSH opened again. 

And since then, there has been a lot of hostility towards me. I remember C telling me that people might not like me because she likes me, and people dont like her. that should have been my first red flag to get the fuck out. I honestly thought she was a woman of her word, and that sticking with her was the right decision. she made me all these empty promises, like i’ll be getting a raise in September, or that she has big plans for me and my career there, or even that we were getting a company-paid night to reward us for all our hard work. and what has unfolded? nothing. 

since then, it has been a series of bullshit. she comes down, yells at everyone and everything thats wrong, comments on how terrible the communication is, and how this doesnt look right, and how stupid everything is and how no one knows how to do their job, “except for you, this isnt directed towards you.” I have a feeling it may not be IN THAT MOMENT, but im sure it has been directed at me at some point. Shes manipulative, and takes advantage of people for her own personal gain, and completely lacks empathy. If it doesnt affect her, why does she care. If someone cant help her, why does she need them. that is her mentality, and she is a psycho. she wants complete control, but does nothing to change anything. She wants people to do certain things, but never tells them. She is by far, the worst manager i have ever had. not to mention she puts out the schedule thursday night-friday for the upcoming monday. so, yes, 3 days in advance. I feel betrayed, i feel disspointed, i feel burnt out. 

She also made a sarcastic remark about how i could “never disappoint her”, which was the last straw for me. That was the day i decided i need to get out of there. 

So, thats whats been going on at work, but behind the scenes, i have been unraveling. My manager has qualities that remind me of my mother, and not in a positive way. it’s very triggering in a way, and when i feel like i have disappointed her, i have the same feeling i would get when my mother would be disappointed in me. when she is completely unsympathetic to me being burnt out, i remember all the times my mom told me to stop feeling sorry for myself when i would cry. so i deal with daily triggers that i have a hard time shaking. there are also some things that go on in that club that really disturb my core values. I am a caring, inclusive person and these people treat us like dirt. I think most people are used to it, i even feel like im less sensitive to it as time goes by. 

But i have been having mental breakdowns at least once a week. they were worse back in june or july, i remember completely trashing my room, throwing my books around and slamming my book case on the ground, and the colapsing and hyperventalating on the ground until my roommate found me. I remember scratching myself until i bled. I remember running to a park and crying in a field. I remember crying on the bathroom floor naked. I remember not being able to get out of bed. i remember punching a wall so hard i almost broke my fingers. this all happened withing 3 months. and after the big explosions came depression and giving up. I cry in the work bathroom often, i dont care about being on time, i dont care about my job, i dont care about my health or being in pain. i am in a constant fog, im exhausted and angry and i have a beautiful partner who loves me so much and i cant feel any of it, because i think i shut down everything so i can make it through the day. I’ve gained weight, i hate my body again, and i feel stuck. i feel ugly, i feel useless, i feel trapped. i need help. i need help getting out of this. i am so exhausted mentally, i do nothing with my day because im too tired. i am so incredibly miserable, i get those depression headaches every single day. I have a surgery coming up that i am not willing to compromise. maybe ill take some extra days off then? look for a job? rest my mind and prepare to job hunt and grind for a job that i might not hate? maybe i should leave now, go work at starbucks, see if i can get the time. maybe i should find a part time job, but will my manager hate me for it? does she already hate me for it? i just want to survive. i just dont want to get to the point where suicide feels like the only option again. I am not there yet, but its on the horizon, and that’s why i am scared.