#im too tired to put this under a readmore

[sunsage]

🕯️ sup

send me 🕯️to hear my character's inner thoughts about your character.

He really doesn't get it.

Sun Wukong isn't new to forgiveness, having granted it many times and occasionally (though not very often) being offered it in turn. And he's not... new to the concept of forgiving someone you loved who hurt you greatly either.

(But there is a wide gap between being forgiven and having what they once had.)

But he just can't see why Macaque keeps coming back to him. Back in their world, he could always assume it was mostly because of MK, since the kid was first to make an offer of friendship. Amidst the constant threats to the realm's stability, the safest place to be is among the people you could trust to protect you.

(And if Macaque can trust MK but not him, that's fine.)

But why does he still cling to Monkey King's side here? In this place that seems to thrive on change and new experiences, where none of their (his, mostly) enemies were trying to end the world and death was temporary, why would Macaque need to trail him all over the city, spend so much time in his house and sleep in his bed?

That's what he doesn't get.

Macaque is strong, smart and capable. He is handsome and charming and, once you get used to his acerbic sense of humor, quite funny. He can dazzle any audience and get himself out of any situation, death included. He is (despite whatever image he is trying to project) a kind, brave and extremely loyal person. He doesn't need to be anyone's shadow anymore. He can be anywhere he wanted, doing anything he wanted.

So why would he want to be here? With him?..

Wukong doesn't know if Macaque wants to be friends (he doesn't even dare to wish for anything more, not in a thousand years at least). He doesn't know if he just wants to pretend none of that ever happened (they are not going to do that). He doesn't know what he can say or do or give to make things between them better.

...He does know that they need to talk about it. All of it. Except every time he opens his mouth he says something wrong and Macaque scowls at him or fires back with one of his favourite cutting remarks or leaves. So he backs down (like a coward), because Wukong would rather keep them in this weird neither here nor there place than risk actually hurting Macaque again.

(It scares him to think that maybe he just doesn't know how to not hurt him again. Sometimes he wishes Macaque would really just leave so he doesn't have this hope that maybe-)

...

It's not his place to push or to rush things, not this time. Sun Wukong is a patient man, these days. If there is one thing he can do it's to let Macaque figure it out on his own terms. And if he needs to stay close while he does that, that's fine too. He can wait for Macaque to make up his mind even if takes another five hundred years. And he will. He will be right here, always, waiting for it.

Because someone you love is always worth waiting for.

[mapleshmaple]

wheres the fuckign '(looking in a mirror) wish you wernet so fuckin' awkward, bud' post. pretend its here.

maybe its the fact that hte funeral was yesterday and my aunts and uncles are like. tearing each other apart and unrerstandably heavily grieving and my moms caught in the middle of everyone being shitty at each other and i dont know how to make it better but. god. god.

i want to have energy to talk to people and be engaging and charming nshit bc i need to reach out to keep friendships going/make friendships etc btu its like trying to pour out of an empty cup. like theres this timer for it too and its jsut looming there everpresent and whatever comes out of my mouth doesnt fucking make any sense!!! like i take too long to say it and with too many words or not ENOUGH words and jsut. use up all my socializing energy at work and dont have any left over for me.

[chiiimchar]

Hello! Your isat siblings au is very good and now has me wondering about how stuff like Sif's wish might play out differently since they're not so horribly isolated. How do they end up thinking about discovering that they're an Islander if they've grown up more constantly reminded of their memory problems (the people who taught him vaugardian are people he's still living and traveling with)?

Unrelated but brain still whirring, do you think the way Sif and Bonny end up joining the party would end up looking different?

i explained the islander thing a few asks ago, but its because nille noticed they were! nille was also a teen when the island dissapeared, and, in the game, shes the one who taught bonnie how big of a deal it was! so of course she'd know. she's from the northern coast, after all :3 (im still figuring out sif's wish btw)

about how they meet the party, though! i was writing that scene just a few days ago, so i'll put that under a readmore :3

"It's fine, we're fine, Bug-"

Bonnie pushed weakly at Siffrin's arms, a pout in their face, "You keep saying that, but you look like crab, Frin."

The cloaked one sighed, "Language."

Bonnie huffed. Siffrin smiled.

He stared at the road ahead, and fixed Bonnie's position so they wouldn't fall, and continued walking.

It had been days (weeks? close to a month? he'd lost count and despite all of his "progress" he still couldn't bring himself to ask Bonnie for help with this one) since they'd had to run from Bambouche, and while he liked to think himself a capable adult, the sudden change to traveling on his own after living comfortably with Nille and Bonnie for almost a decade, now, had thrown them for a loop.

They were hungry, tired, and stressed. He had managed to keep Bonnie fed well enough, but he didn't risk staying anywhere for too long, fearing the curse catching up to them.

Catching up to him, and leaving Bonnie alone, like it had caught up to Nille. Catching up to Bonnie-

He tried not to think too hard.

His legs shook with every step. Bonnie was not too heavy for them to carry, of course not, but they were exhausted.

He set them down.

“Frin?” Bonnie asked, tilting their head.

“Break time.” He stated, slumping down next to them.

Bonnie nodded easily, laying their head on his shoulder, “Do you think.. that we will find a clean town?”

Clean town, dirty town… That’s how they’d taken to differentiating curse affected towns from normal ones. Bonnie had come up with it.

They were yet to find a clean town.

“Maybe. But only after tomorrow, Bug.” There was no use promising a certain date, but wording it like that was kinder, he thought.

“You think so?”

Siffrin smiled. “Yeah, for sure, Bon.”

He'd just had to make sure to word it differently, next time.

Then, suddenly, out of the corner of their eye...

They rested there for a few minutes. The forest was not quiet, as wind was picking up, making the leaves rustle loudly.

A sadness. Paper type, by the looks of it.

They hurried to stand so they could pick Bonnie and run, but…

Three people were fighting it.

Well.. fighting it seemed like a stretch. It looked like they were struggling against it, in Siffrin's personal opinion.

Really struggling. One of them was K.O.’d, the other looked like a rock type, and the other…

He swallowed. He looked at Bonnie, who was dozing off in his arms, and made a decision.

"Bon, hey," he nudged them, and they turned to him, "Stay here for a sec, I will be right back, okay?"

Bonnie blinked, and nodded, their eyes full of trust.

Siffrin smiled, patted their shoulder.

Then, he lunged forward.

"AH!!" One of the strangers exclaimed, and fell back in surprise. He ignored him, and attacked the sadness with their favorite attack, and exclaimed:

"Knife to meet you!" as they attacked.

He fell on his feet, the sadness poofing behind him, and he huffed a shaky breath. He then turned to the strangers, an easy smile on his face, "Hello," he waved.

They stared silently for a few seconds.

The one in the middle- a girl- smiled wide, and reached forward to grab their hand, "Hello! Thank you so much for your help!" She beamed.

Siffrin jolted a bit from the sudden contact, but smiled back, "It was, uh, it was no problem!"

One of the other two who were hanging back, an older lady, nodded along, "Yes, thank you." She said, looking out of breath, "That sadness..."

"Was tough! Really tough!" The other person exclaimed, "I could barely get a hit in!"

"Good thing I took it by surprise then-" Siffrin said, turning back his head to look for Bonnie, "I- nice to meet you, really, but-"

"Wait, wait, wait!" The girl said, not letting go of his hand, "Quest! We're on a quest, to stop the king's curse!!"

Siffrin turned back to her quickly at that, "The... curse? Like the freezing?"

"Yes!" She beamed, "And you seem strong! Won't you join us?"

Siffrin blinked, gaping a little, "Me?"

"Yes, you!" The girl insisted.

"I-" They paused, thinking. If they could help them... then, Nille...

"Okay, I'll help!" He said resolutely.

The man behind the girl put a hand on her shoulder, "Mira! Won't you introduce us?" 

She blushed, "Right! I'm Mirabelle, I'm immune to the King's curse! He," She pointed to the man, "Is Isabeau, and she," She pointed to the lady who was still catching her breath, "Is Madame Odile! What's your name?"

Siffrin smiled, "I'm Siffrin- and I have my little sibling with me back there," He pointed back to the bushes with his thumb, and took a step back, "I'll uh, be right back?"

Mirabelle's eyebrows shot up in surprise, "Oh! Oh, uh! Sure!"

He quickly ran back to his sibling, trying to calm his still racing heart, "Bonnie, you can come out now." He said, pushing aside a bush.

Bonnie's head popped up behind it, "Was that a sadness?" They asked, "I heard people. Did we find a town?"

Siffrin ruffled their hair, making them groan playfully, "No, but I did find some nice people who say they're gonna stop the freezing."

Bonnie stood up, surprised, "REALLY?"

He smiled, "Yes, really! They want us to tag along, what do you think?" He asked gently, already knowing the answer.

"CRAB YEAH!" Bonnie exclaimed, excited, "Nille- she- she's gonna be okay!!!" They smiled a toothy grin, relieved.

Siffrin nodded, patting their shoulder, "Yeah, yeah."

He took their hand in theirs, and walked back to Mirabelle's party. They ignored how tired they felt, and gave everyone a easy smile.

Chin up, Siffrin. You've got a sister to save.

[seththemusehub]

everyone intimidates the shit out of me. yes even people I have been friends with and talk to daily for years. because of some bullshit that happened pretty regularly throughout my childhood and teen years. I don't know that I've actually mentioned it to anybody before, but it's why I'm always anxious to start conversations. putting it under a readmore so you don't gotta get blasted in the face by stupid if you don't care.

okay, so. grade school. regularly would have people I thought were my friends, because (at least I THOUGHT) they acted like they were, and always somehow ended in 'oh my god you're annoying go away' blowups weeks to months to even YEARS later. middle and high school that shit happened often too, actually. people were 'too polite' to tell me they weren't interested and instead just...put up with excitable, very autistic does-not-understand-non-verbal-cues-unless-they-are-blatant, kid me, until they decided they couldn't stand it anymore.

online was different, I thought. if people didn't like something I said or did online, they'd TELL me that, more often than not. I used to visit a specific forum back when I was like 13-14 and talk to people there, and I thought we got along really well. there were a couple people who were kinda mean, but otherwise people seemed really friendly and happy to talk with me.

at one point, the owner of said forums pulled me and a friend into a private chat room to basically tell me that *everyone* on the website, himself included, my friend excluded, hated me and thought I was obnoxious as fuck. which obviously was. not a fun thing to hear. and when I asked why nobody had said anything or asked me to leave them alone, the owner said that he and my friend had spent a long ass time trying to calm people down so they wouldn't force him to ban me, but he was tired of doing that, so maybe fuck off?

and unfortunately, it has happened within the last couple of years, too. somebody went from 'yes, friends, let's do stuff together and talk' to 'maybe take a fucking hint' pretty near overnight. so now even when people tell me that yeah, they enjoy my company, they WANT to talk to me, things like that...I always have that little voice going 'buuuuuut....'

which is why I struggle to message people first a lot nowadays and I get anxious every time I reply to a post, message someone via IM, or send an ask, or...basically anything ever. even just posting while other people are online gets that sort of shit going for me too.

this is the most I have been able to type for a long ass time and it is hotter inside my apartment than it is outside right now. I took a shower not long ago and I am already sweaty and gross feeling. fuck.

[dreamsclock]

THE ULTIMATE DREAMSCLOCK UPDATE!

hello. hi. as most of u are probably very unsurprised to hear, i have bit off WAY more than i can chew in terms of personal projects. this is now something i am beginning to belatedly realize is A Problem for many reasons. mainly a) i am chronically overwhelmed esp with the biggest exams of my LIFE next months and b) i can’t take on any more projects realistically that i want to begin.

poll + more info under readmore bc i have chronic can’t-shut-up syndrome (adhd)

SO. in order to actually produce content for you guys i am Cutting Back Which Fics I Work On. at least until july. this SHOULD allow me to finish at least some fics and hopefully move on in the summer to other ones, but since im indecisive i thought i’d let YOU guys decide which fics i continue to work on!!! so here’s a poll.

the top five will continue to be worked on, and i plan to finish checkmate + hold him close in the next week anyway. so vote for your next five faves, and from there i’ll figure out which ones i’m gonna continue

this SHOULD help me make a good dent in these fics while also working on stuff that makes people happy :]

IN ADDITION TO THIS. i am also only streaming three times a week. ‘only?’ you might be thinking. ‘sparrow dreamsclock, you don’t even stream ONCE a week!’ to which i say Be Quiet. kidding but i’ve been putting way too much pressure on myself to try and stream every night and then beating myself up when i’m too tired ��� so hopefully limiting myself to three times a week helps!!

STREAM DAYS: Monday, Wednesday, Saturday

I could stream more than this!! But at the very least you’re promised three streams a week unless something goes horribly wrong.

AO3 UPDATES: Wednesday, Sunday

AGAIN this is to try and give you guys some kind of consistency 😭😭 i know im very erratic + unreliable when it comes to uploading so i wanted to try and provide a schedule. no idea WHAT updates these will be, but you know Something will be posted there which is awesome

YOUTUBE UPLOADS: Beginning May

‘but sparrow!’ you may be saying. ‘you just said the most important exams of your life happen in may!’ to which i say Be Quiet. Yes. I Know. I’m An Idiot. but i wanna start providing youtube content Too!!! whether this be dsmp analysis or stream highlights or original minecraft choose-your-own-ending games i’ve made, i’ll be uploading (hopefully consistently) beginning may!!!! more info to come. unless i forget of course.

ANYWAY. if you’ve sat through all of this then HELLO HI!!!!! sorry. this announcement sounds self important and dumb but honestly even writing this out has eased like a load of my anxieties. ever since the end of 2021 i’ve been so overwhelmed with the frankly dumb amount of projects ive given myself, and it’s most of the reason ive been burned out since then too :’) thank u for being understanding and thank u for being such a source of inspiration for me and thank u thank u THANK U for being the best people ever muah ily

this starts from TODAY Btw!!! will be uploading a chapter of checkmate tonight and also streaming which i’m looking forward to. we’re gonna Chill until summer and then i can go crazy with projects again. but this feels more manageable!!!!

tune in for my stream tonight at 9pm (fnaf time FUCK YEAH) and thank u again :]

[theroyallypurple]

I absolutely adore the way you draw Hassel and Larry! Would love to know if you have any hcs of them cause I love hearing others thoughts about them :D

AAAA THANK U IM GLAD U DO!!! also jeez buckle up I have a lot lmao I'll put them under a readmore These are some established ones I've written about before but not an exhaustive list!!

HEADCANONS… I have sO MANY UHHH LEmmie try to articulate some thoughts

Larry I imagine to be from Sinnoh but he moved to Unova as a tween. One parent is sinnohan and one parent is unovan, he got his staraptor when it was still a starly in Sinnoh. He’s moved around the world doing different jobs until finally he wound up in Paldea. He can speak many languages including but not limited to: Japanese (first language), English, Spanish, French, German

I imagine that he’s autistic (I might be projecting a little here lol) and he suffers form depression, but he isn’t medicated

He struggles to control his volume as part of his autism, he always speaks a bit too quiet and doesn’t raise his voice even when needed.

He has perfect 20/20 vision but has visual snow syndrome which causes a layer of static to be over his whole entire field of vision. He also has tinnitus that goes hand in hand with visual snow syndrome and he enjoys spending time in the treasure eatery not just for the food but because the sound of the patrons helps to drown out the high pitched tone inside his head. It gets louder when he's stressed

He has a tie collection, also he has a lot of novelty fun patterned socks and boxers (his choice of underwear is Not sexy)

He’s owned the same pair of shoes for many years and he knows he needs to get new ones, the soles of his current ones are worn out, but he hates shopping for new clothes and new shoes feel bad on his feet.

He has great colour vision and can discern colours very well, often telling the difference between colours that other ppl can’t see a difference in. His night vision however leaves much to be desired, when he looks at things in darkness they merge into a big staticky blob and he uses his phone torch when it gets too dark outside and there’s no street lights.

He wears a suit not only because it looks good but because it feels good. He likes the weight of the blazer on his shoulder and the familiarity of it makes him comfortable

He’s only 35 but started greying early, he can be very sarcastic when ppl worry about getting greys since he’s been going grey since his early 20’s

His first language is Japanese but he doesn’t get many chances to speak it so all his personal devices are set to Japanese. This results in people hearing him speaking to his phone in Japanese. Poppy sometimes plays games on Larry’s phone and has learnt some Japanese through exposure. This makes Larry happy and he teaches her Japanese, it’s good for her developing brain he says

He can cook well but he’s often too tired to cook so when he isn’t buying something from a restaurant it’s instant noodles for him.

He’ll also make egg fried rice with furikake sprinkled on top

His favourite colour is blue, his favourite flavour is lemon, his favourite sweet is lemon drizzle cake

He Hates being in front of the camera (which is why his gym photo is the back of his head) so he isn’t actually in many photos. When he’s out with a group he’s almost always the one behind the camera taking the photo. A few candid photos of him do exist but whenever he finds out someone has taken a photo of him he tells them to delete them, despite this there are some photos of him smiling when he thinks no one is looking

Speaking of, his expression is mostly flat and his smile isn’t what people would often consider a smile to be. His features soften and his mouth is in a smile but he doesn’t grin big or wide, he has trouble properly showing his emotions but people who know him are used to it

He’s actually very blunt and matter of fact, which some people don’t like, but he doesn’t see the problem because he’s honest

He’s tired a lot of the time and loves sleeping. He’s a cuddler and has a body length pillow that he hugs (is also helps his back to have it between his knees and align his spine) if you shared a bed he may fall asleep facing away from you but by the time you wake up he’s hugging you tight

He suffers from adult acne, he doesn’t really care how it looks but he hates when it gets itchy and painful. It’s something he’d rather not deal with and he can get breakouts when he’s particularly stressed (I actually wrote a fic abt Rika helping him with this!!)

He does use product to style his hair, he puts it in when his hair is damp and uses a hair dryer to put it into position. He’s so practiced that he can do it in just 5 or so minutes What he uses has a strong enough hold but as the day goes on his hair can become slightly disheveled which is easily fixed by running his hand through it, but it can leave a few strands out of place

I personally use fiber gum and my hair style is similar to Larry’s so I can see him using it too, of gives the hair hold while keeping it light and soft, maybe on longer days he'll use gel instead since it has a stronger hold but it doesn't leave the hair as soft or light

Larry wears cologne. During the day he wears a fresh scent, bergamot for those with a refined nose or simply “citrus” for those who don’t. It has a hint of a floral smell to it. Fresh he thinks, good for the start of the day If he ever goes out in the evening he wears a muskier smell: sandalwood, amber, patchouli Despite what scent he uses there’s the always faint hint of tobacco, he may try to cover it up but it’s a deep set smell that’s hard to get out of things His used pyjamas smell like sweat but he always smells nice when he goes out

Larry is good at singing but he wouldn’t believe you if you told him. After a few drinks he slays on the karaoke machine

Speaking of which his drinks of choice are whisky on the rocks and a sparkling sake

--------

For Hassel I have two headcanons of where he’s from. It’s fun to imagine him from Galar, I’m Scottish so I’m familiar with Galar and the tradition with the applin and him having a flapple on his team is very fun when u imagine it’s Brassius that gave him the applin.

On the other hand I think he could be German… Hassel is a German name and Germany is close to Spain and idk it feels kinda fitting

He’s classically trained in piano but he can also play the guitar, drums, ukulele, violin, trumpet, and also he can sing

He’s a very good cook, he’s no chef but he makes great homey food, his stews and soups are very comforting

He never learned how to use chopsticks and thus doesn't use them, but I like to think that one day Larry teaches him

He enjoys painting and sketching from life, he finds it fun and relaxing and enjoys the challenge of portraying something correctly He can produce photorealistic works but I also think he’d enjoy impressionism, he’d also enjoy life drawing

He has a wide collection of knitted tanks in many different colours and patterns

His favourite colour is burgundy, he likes rich foods with a lot of flavour and struggles to eat anything bland. highly textured food with no flavour makes him gag

He snores, not a loud obnoxious snore but a deep kind of snore that rumbles in his chest. It’s oddly comforting and can be likened to a cat purring (or a dragons growl…)

Hassel smells like home, warm and familiar!! I really like the idea of him having a deep woodsy smell, pleasantly pleasant musky that is his natural scent, not a dirty musk but something that’s nice and human. He’s always well groomed The cologne he wears is faint but pleasant, with a spicy yet faintly sweet scent and it complements his natural body odour Other times he smells like art supplies- paints, sealant spray, and the likes, something noticeably chemically

His alcohols of choice are real Scottish whisky, red wine, gin, and honestly he’d enjoy a beer lol. Brassius tries all kinds of weird flavoured craft beers and makes Hassel try them

He's a little soft under his clothing, his belly and chest having a little pudge, but there are muscles underneath and he's very strong

I kind of like the headcanon ppl have that Hassels natural hair colour is brown but he dyes it blonde... I don't always stick to that hc in my art (sometimes I draw his body hair dark, sometimes I draw it blonde) but it's fun!!

He's very comfortable with aging and sees beauty in it, he doesn't strive to look young forever or to "keep his beauty" he thinks all kinds of people look beautiful He's also very secure in his masculinity and isn't afraid of being emotional or showing emotion, or showing any other traits typically seen as more feminine he wants to be a good role model and show boys that it's ok to be emotional and like certain things

Hassel has a big d-

[theresa-of-liechtenstein]

it’s actually starting to sink in that my last undergrad year in orchestra is over but in the meantime. concert recap post 2, electric boogaloo. i am putting this under a readmore to spare you all. it was so long i literally fell asleep drafting it

on my way to the theater i passed by the arts building and swore i saw tita conductor fishing around in her car trunk in the arts loading bay which felt very much like

the warm-up/spot runthrough was so lackluster and tired that tita conductor looked around at us and said ‘did you all go out drinking after last night’s concert or what? your energy is wacked’

we managed to scrape ourselves back together and honestly? i think we sounded better sunday than saturday in the end

especially that english piece. whoooeeee. that sounded so good.

right before the part where the second violins drive the melody back into the folk song, i managed to make eye contact with tita conductor as she turned to bring us out and we were just smiling at each other for a split second. it was genuinely so lovely

at the end of the english piece, which was our opener, we had several bars of rest before the final note and i noticed that my shoulder rest was falling off. i was so scared that if i tried to put it on my shoulder, it would fall off and cause noise, so i very quietly slipped it off, rested it on my lap, and managed to play the last note sans shoulder rest

the second movement of the fauré pelleas et melisande orchestra suite may just have been my favorite

at the very end of our set, before the lights went down for our exit and for the stage to be reconfigured for the chamber singers, i was trying to put my copy of pel and mel back into the folder when i fucking DROPPED the damn part in front of everyone. which was my mistake, i shouldn’t have moved before the lights came back down, but i was trying so damn hard to stifle my laughter as i picked it up

i managed to make my way off with my folder and instrument in hand and lost it as silently as possible once i had cleared the stage

tita conductor was standing in the wing waiting to go back on to conduct the chamber singers, locked eyes with me, and said, very concerned, ‘what’s the matter, em? are you okay?’

i managed to wheeze back ‘i dropped my music’ before a member of stage crew directed me to continue heading backstage

funnily enough, saturday’s concert was a non-clapping audience while at this one, everyone clapped between movements of both the pel and mel and the requiem

the requiem was so much fun and i was sad to see it end—but god did it end all too soon. time really just seems to pass more rapidly on stage for me: before i know it, im looking up for a cutoff

it turned out that one of the freshman girls from the one (1) year i spent in my high school women’s ensemble just committed to transfer to my university and actually attended the concert, which fucking blew my mind when she came up to me and pressed a pair of hand-folded origami flowers into my hand 🥹

headed to the party afterwards with my high school best friend as a plus-one, held in the home of two older flute players, and spent most of it talking with three violas (including associate principal and principal), concertmaster, my second clarinet friend, and my flute friend (who also graduates this year)

i was cognizant that not only had it been a year since That Pivotal Conversation with tita conductor that had changed everything, but that it had also been in this exact house. so i was already kind of anticipating that something of a similar nature was likely to occur. and it did

at one point i was trying to get a spoon from the food table when i came face-to-face with tita conductor, who, upon seeing me, hurried over, threw her arms open, and said effusively ‘oh, em—come here, give me a hug’ 🥹

it was so funny to me. like no options. give me a hug. which to be fair i have wanted to just give her a hug for a while since yayy favorite person in the music department etc. but the way she worded it was inexplicably funny

tita conductor told me ever so fervently that me staying was such a blessing and that i was a bright and intelligent section leader which like. auughghhghaggagagwgwyywwu. i feel like she’s the first person to call me bright

i told her the bit about how my decision to stay was solidified on the way back from the university visit to make it to rehearsal, and then how poignantly funny i had found it that i had walked into rehearsal and was immediately asked by her to cut the strawberries

at this—i swear to god—tita conductor let out a full-body GUFFAW that caused everyone within twenty feet to look at us.

she told me ‘i remember that because you had a really funny look on your face when i asked you—’

i cringed. ‘oh, i always seem to have a funny look on my face,’ i said, slightly embarrassed, before i could think

‘no—but you went and did it anyway. i didn’t know you had been thinking very hard at the time’

apparently in many situations i just happen to be the ‘nearest available’ person to her who she knows would ‘do anything asked without making a fuss’ and was ‘habitually helpful’

being too intimidated to say no in the workplace sure has its perks! (joke)

she really couldn’t stop saying that i was a blessing which was just. man. made me want to curl up on the floor and cry immediately. 30 years of doing this and she really just seems so fond of her students it’s very sweet

it was hard enough for me to consider saying goodbye to her. but i think it might have been harder vice versa

additional highlight for levity: tita conductor letting out a single, angelic high C out of fucking nowhere near the drinks table

eventually i walked my friend to her car and came back to find my flute friend and second clarinet at the piano with another second violin and a gaggle of chorus members

as the night wore on things started to get crazier (i.e. second clarinet friend straight up pulled out a tenor recorder out of nowhere and began to improvise off of someone on the piano 😭)

one of the hosts said ‘i could give you a soprano recorder right now’ when second clarinet mentioned he didn’t have one, disappeared, and came back with a HUGE bag of soprano recorders and began passing them around. so now i have a soprano recorder

flute friend and i mutually agreed that we both functioned the best in musician gatherings LMAO

i left because it got very late but before i left i went to thank the hosts and the other host stretched out his arms and said ‘here, can i hug you?’ and i was like ‘oh!’ and he gave me a hug and said ‘so sorry i didn’t get to talk to you, but it’s so good to see the strings here. we only ever see the backs of your heads and you can turn to look at us but we can’t really do the same. you’re a great player’ 😭😭😭

anyways. man what a fucking year. it went by all too quickly; it feels like yesterday to me that i went and re-auditioned for tita conductor. so much has changed since then. i’ve grown as a musician in ways that i didn’t even imagine—which i realize i also said last year, but last year i didn’t expect i’d become a section leader. and thankfully i think i’ll get another shot at it next year. i started off not wanting the position, but in the end it made me stronger and i have to be grateful for it. anyways! enough yapping! onwards!

[elena-oc-blog]

Hey remember when I drew the hydra brothers back in august and mentioned in the description that i would have their parents out soon too? Yeah sorry, they got stuck in art limbo as i was distracted with other things but now I have the hydra dads for you to see! I actually finished this like 2 days ago and I was going to wait with posting them until i finished the hydra mom piece too but I'm going through another *im tired all the time* period so thats not happening any time soon so here is hydra dad by himself or themselves i should say. I only drew their heads because I have mercy for myself and am not subjecting myself on drawing an anthro hydra with 5 heads. I do have bust sketches of them in my sketchbook but I still need to figure out how to fit their 5 necks and heads on one body properly so maybe thats a thing for the far future Anyway lore on these guys uh, Im a lil tired so let me just copy paste some miscelaneous lore I posted in my discord server and ill try to elaborate when i feel less shitty. I'll put it under a readmore so this post wont clog up your feed.

The Lièrna family gang is made up of Greek monsters: centaurs, satyrs, chimeras, minotaurs, griffins, some undercover hellhounds, etc.

Don't have a proper ref for this gang yet as I still need to fill their ranks

They originally lived in and operated from Athens in Greece but had to leave almost everything behind when the police started to catch on to them. They fled to the carribean island of Isla Dracon and settled in Auron City, soon recovering their wealth and businesses and becoming one the top dog gangs there and close to being in control of the city. That is until Thorn showed up a few years after..

The Lièrna family front is a luxury car business (building, selling, repairing) while their criminal business is car towing with a lot of extortion of the poorer part of the city's population where they basically steal cars and any personal belongings left in them from the poor population because they can't pay the fees. They then proceed to either resell these cars in one of their used car dealerships or destroy the cars to use for parts and scrap metal. They also loan out money under preditory rates and own some real estate that they rent out for high prices with bad service. So really their whole business is exploiting people, especially those less fortunate. They revel in this, thinking the poor deserve it for not working hard enough.

As for their relationship with Thorn, they hate Thorn but they act like good friends of his whenever they meet with him or are talking about him with people they don't know/people who like him. They don't want to stir trouble until they have a solid plan on how to overthrown him. Thorn as of now has no idea the hydras hate his guts and are plotting against him in secret together with Morrison and whatever other allies they gain.

Im not sure how old they are. I need to figure out my timeline better for that first. And maybe change how dragons age compared to other species idk But I would say they are between their late 40s and mid 50s

Also pecking order of the brothers from top to bottom is: Don, Alekos, Roland and Boris and at the very bottom is Kashew. Kashew is mute and also rather friendly which makes his brothers and especially Don regard him as a useless nobody. Kashew gets a lot of verbal abuse and sometimes also physical abuse from his brothers :( The only reason they don't physically abuse him as much as they mentally abuse him is because having a beaten up head would be bad for their business and image with the civilians of the city. They also cant get rid of him as that would comprimise their health and ability to fuse back together. Hydras can split up into individual smaller and less powerful dragons but unless all individuals are present, they can't fuse back together. And eventhough hydras in their fused natural state can regenerate their heads effortlessly and have an increased durability for injuries, in their seperate state they will die if decapitated and are also much more defenseless in general. While a fused hydra could take a vicious stabbing/beating and live, a split hydra individual is much more fragile and will easily bleed out and if they die, their siblings are doomed as well. Thus hydras tend to only split up when in the comfort of their home or when they take on a human disguise. It can also occur when there is an extreme disagreement between siblings and one or multiple forcibly split off through sheer willpower, causing them to fall apart into seperate entities. This is not preferable though. Anyway i think thats all the lore i have at the moment, i hope you enjoy the boys. Feel free to ask questions about them

[edelblau]

marz said they love my durgey so im gonna use that as an excuse to infodump about them (and try to put it under a readmore but readmores always break for me now so who knows if itll post properly) (spoilers for baldurs gate 3 dark urge playthrough to follow)

my main dark urge is named naught (like zero/nothingness ^_^). he's a tiefling monk with they/him pronouns. below is a lazy reference for his more 'unique' features i spent very little time on

his backstory is largely the normal dark urge stuff; wandering and strange from the get go with unsettling mannerisms even as a child, he was adopted by a poor family. he actually bore a lot of affection for them, and tried very very hard to be 'normal'. when he realized his family was displeased with the way he sort of romanticized violence and death, he tried to tamp it down. however, given the nature of the urge, he was eventually overcome and killed them (second heal memory)

after that incident, he fled his home, and tried unsuccessfully to resist; but as his body count even unintentionally rose he fully gave in. in his time as the leader of the bhaal cult, a lot of his 'personality' outside of the urge was utterly erased and dead.

interestingly, however, he regained some sense of 'self' as the plans for the absolute took place, though perhaps in a way that was worse for everyone. the tldr of this being that because the plan required he interact with and 'bond', so to speak, with gortash, leader of the banites, he was able to have conversations with someone. the issue here being of course that gortash is a terrible person, but so was he, so it was sort of a net 0 for humanity and only really 'good' for him (and maybe gortash, i guess) since it let him retain a hint of personhood outside of bhaal; personhood that would serve him after orin's betrayal at moonrise.

(pictured: real canon shit the durge writes about gortash)

of course, dark urge and gortash's murderous funtimes had to end when orin got tired of the family drama and decided to end it the only way she knew how.

this left naught at the beginning of the game in a position where they knew intuitively that they enjoy others company, they didnt remember how resisting was 'futile', and they were surrounded by people who could definitely kill them if they acted out too harshly. not that naught didn't 'act out'-- he has a very Broken sense of morality and whats 'too far' after everything, and definitely partook of some torture and senseless violence a few times. nothing especially severe (he didn't get arabella killed or the rest of the grove, for instance), but he definitely was... bad. not normal.

these lapses would slowly die down, however, the closer naught came to the others around him. their sense of morality rubbing off on him and making him desire their approval. where he once welcomed his butler, he started fighting back; still bound to his urge, still not entirely 'there', but constantly thrashing against the current-- until the orin battle, which went Great, by the way

even after withers resurrection, though, i dont think hed ever truly be 'normal'. even if his nightmares no longer stem from bhaal, i dont think theyd ever go away fully. and i dont think hed ever fully gain a normal moral compass (hes dating astarion, by the way. so good luck faerun.) nor do i think hed ever fully come to remember his past; though i dont think hed ever fully care to, either. hed always remain this unnerving, somewhat 'immoral' person; always a bit more brutal than he should be, a bit more direct, a bit too stiff and strange. full of love and care that hes learned from his journey, but still with a hint of violence; no longer bhaal's, but wholly his own. always a step away from a 'normal' person even without bhaal's black blood in his veins.

but at least minsc is his uncle. thats nice.

[dreadofthegrave]

augh. whinging about life events

this is something that would be in a circle in twitter dot corn but i don't have circles here so i will simply put it under a readmore and assume that anyone who doesnt care will simply scroll by as i gen hope they will <3

anyways. last week was vacation and coming back from vacation i got thrown in the metaphorical frying pan. person who was supposed to be watching the house fucked off w/o telling us thursday afternoon (we came back sat night) leaving our cats and her cats (inc. a 5 month old kitten in a separate room) alone. which the other cats would have been fine alone for a few days but the litterboxes were full which makes me suspect she did not clean up before she left. kitten was left with no water and no food (she gave him food but he scarfed it down immediately. because he's A Kitten) and she had the audacity to try to lie to us!! about when she left when we straight up had proof from the security system logs that she was gone for longer than she said she was <3333

did i mention this girl is supposed to be living with us for a few more weeks lol lmao

we spent an hour and a half cleaning the house from the misc toilet and vomit stains around after having already driven a collective 7 hours home from our vacation spot.

we grilled her pretty hard after she came back sunday nite at like 9:30 pm and she kinda gave a half hearted apology and i emphasized that. i agreed to the kitten staying over (which she had thrown on me like. night before we leave) (she adopted the kitten the weekend we left for vacation) with the agreement that she would be taking 100% care of him which she was Not.

and then she fucked off again for all of monday. i think she stayed monday night but she was gone the next morning. she also sprang on me monday nite that "oh do you mind if i stay at my friends house the days i have work because it's closer to my workplace" (by a magnitude of like. hours) and i said yeah because it was LATE and i was WORKING the next day so i didnt have the energy to have a long conversation. i shouldn't have said yes.

she was gone all tues and wed. she didn't have work today so she should have come back to my house but she didn't because she was with her mom. didn't tell us that btw.

now it is thurs night she's probably going to arrive back way too late for me to have a conversation with her because i go to bed early. because i wake up early for work. my sister called her and had a long convo and i sent her a text message saying the kitten has to be gone by the end of this weekend because my sister and i have been taking care of HER KITTEN this entire week basically. when i already gave her a warning for being negligent with the kitten.

tired of hearing the kitten yowling the whole day because my sister and i are both busy and we can't play with him. me because i have my desk job my sister because she's prepping for her job starting next week. regardless ITS THIS GIRLS KITTEN NOT OURS THAT WE DIDN'T AGREE TO TAKE CARE OF

i haven't even broached the topic of payment because i expected to charge her rent for the couple of weeks she was living with us but since she's only been here like. a grand total of 8 hours (when she wasn't watching the house the week we were gone) should i just charge her for using our house as a boarding house for her cats. lol. lmao. im getting some payment out of this even if i have to bug her for it

all that aside. getting grilled at work for things partially my fault and partially not my fault and feeling indignant about it. got told i wasn't communicating well enough when i have been responding to every single silly little email that was sent to me so idk. maybe check your inbox then? anyways i have to finish a report tomorrow i've been putting off for. a disgustingly long time so this is a situation i put myself in but im still mad and stressed about it

good thing i talk to my therapist tmmrw because im just gonna be like hi :) the shit hit the fan my dude

oh as an aside my brain has been bad enough this week that i decided to take a break from twitter since i figured spending my limited free time endlessly scrolling through a collapsing social media site wasn't helping my brain trying to self-cannibalize. tumblr is. Okay. for now. debating filling my queue and leaving for x amount of time but for now i need some outlet

what else. had an onslaught of flies in the house this week. killed about 20 or 30 tuesday and wednesday. thankfully there seemed to be a lot less today so i'm hoping it was just a freak accident and not a serious problem. clothes dryer has been broken (still turns, but no heat) for three weeks now. repairman has stopped by three times with a fourth time coming. i'm about ready to pull the plug after the next time he comes and just buy a new dryer even if that's going to be $$$$ because... it's an old dryer. maybe its time is just up

didn't mean for this post to be so long LMAO if you made it this far you get a picture of harley (my mom's cat). i just gotta make it through this week [pained smile]

NINJA EDIT BECAUSE AS I WAS TYPING THIS UP THERE WAS A NEW KITTEN DEVELOPMENT. after i texted her she got upset enough to decide to drive to our house and pick up the kitten and leave which i mean. lol. lmao. i gave you a warning and you decided to still fuck off so that's not my fault at this point. she's still an hour away so i will probably be going to bed when she comes home. don't have it in me to have another 10pm serious conversation lol lmao lol

[perryisle]

Yknow what? Ask games are freaking awesome here you go

💥🎭📦🌪️

yo thanks for all the asks man!! also for convenience im putting all my answers under a readmore bc im tired of scrolling past long ass posts on my own blog lol

answers below cut!!!

💥 COLLISON - what emotions do they have trouble dealing with?

SORRY i keep talking about vinny in these asks hes like the character with the most development or whatever. anyways he doesn’t really feel all that comfortable with feeling/showing empathy + receiving it too (throughout most of his early life nobody wasn’t all too nice to him and he was taught that being nice was a sign of weakness). when being shown kindness he Doesn’t Really Know how to respond yknow

🎭 MASKS - do they act differently around certain people? what's different between the way they act around friends, family, strangers, etc.?

lance has a different attitudes when it comes to his Weird “job” (vigilante crap) and his actual job (a librarian) so for sure he acts somewhat differently around certain others. when he’s doin his demon killin thing he comes off as VERY intense and unintentionally cold (he just wants to be left alone!!). when he’s doin his normal job he’s a lot more soft spoken and shows more kindness to others (not like he wasn’t nice before yknow)

he doesn’t have much friends though (sad!) so i dont think he acts differently around others depending on relationship. he does have a big connection with boss though and is very understanding towards him

📦 PACKAGE - what are some "most likely to..." that can apply to them?

here’s the answers to some “who is most likely to” questions i found online!

who is most likely to eat weird food combinations? - vinny. that man has a simple zest for life yknow

who is most likely to tell the most lame jokes? - either uriel or lance. uriel bc he’s an old ass ceo of a huge company (those guys are never funny) and lance bc he just Doesn’t have a sense of humor

who is most likely to get hungry in the middle of the night? - mae. You Know How It Is

🌪️ TORNADO - what is the biggest change you've ever made to them? how have they changed from their original version?

(ok back to vinny) ive had vinny for a while so he’s definitely changed a lot!!! super duper early vinny (before crit dmg was created) he was just this Edgy Guy that was obsessed with knives and killing people and ohhh my god i genuinely hate pre-crit dmg vinny soooo much. his design was also pretty different too (shorter hair, wore a trenchcoat along w his scarf, bigass scar on his face, TERRIBLE color palette) (the scarf was pretty much the only thing consistent throughout his design)

other big (design) changes to characters include:

uriel originally had armor

boss used to be much much taller than the rest of the cast

harmony used to be a boy (trans? who knows……………………………)

mae used to have untextured straight hair that was light blue (worst mae design btw)

[rathockey]

hey, I saw that you did like, an ask game for Gus from Psych, and I was wondering if you wanted to do that for other characters like Shawn, Lassiter, and Juliet.

You don’t have to though, have a great day :)

yeah for sure!

I'll put it under a readmore since it'll be pretty long with three characters

SHAWN

Sexuality Headcanon: bi!

Gender Headcanon: transmasc nonbinary

A ship I have with said character: shawngus OF COURSE

A BROTP I have with said character: shawn and lassie!!! im down for a romantic ship with them too, but i just really love their friendship so much

A NOTP I have with said character: not really a NOTP as much as a "i wish they hadn't done it until the last episode or smth" shawn and jules - it just changed the whole vibe of the show!

A random headcanon: (nixing this section tbh bc i can't recall any off the top of my head and im too tired to think of any rn adsjflkads)

General Opinion over said character: shawn my absolute beloved. you fool. you idiot. you genius. he's everything AND he's just ken. detective of all time.

LASSIE

Sexuality Headcanon: he's gay. prove me wrong. yeah he's married to a woman. its a fluke.

Gender Headcanon: cis. that man is definitely cis asdjfalsdk

A ship I have with said character: i dont really have any, but i am intrigued by shawn and lassie, even though i prefer them as friends

A BROTP I have with said character: shawn and lassie! see above :)

A NOTP I have with said character: i guess lassie and jules? if that's a ship thats out there. not into it.

A random headcanon: (nixing this section tbh bc i can't recall any off the top of my head and im too tired to think of any rn adsjflkads)

General Opinion over said character: really really did not like lassie when i was watching the show as a kid alsdkfjalkdsj. i still don't like him as a PERSON very much but as a CHARACTER he's very interesting. timothy omundson is a fantastic actor and i love pretty much all the roles ive seen him in

JULES

Sexuality Headcanon: that's a lesbian. no further explanation needed.

Gender Headcanon: trans woman

A ship I have with said character: i don't really ship her with anyone. i did like her and shawn before they got together funny enough. i think they work better as like. a not dating, dating, situationship

A BROTP I have with said character: jules and gus, i feel like this is an underrated relationship in the show but they're so good together!

A NOTP I have with said character: shawn and jules, see above

A random headcanon: (nixing this section tbh bc i can't recall any off the top of my head and im too tired to think of any rn adsjflkads)

General Opinion over said character: i love jules so much! i think a lot gets put on her as a character to be like. "the reasonable one" all the time (easy to see why when her opposites are. shawn and lassie) and i enjoy when she gets to cut loose and go ham (really enjoy her in the roller derby episode)

[purupurple]

i believe that will be it for me this year digital art-wise considering my tablet cord has had enough of my nonsense and now it's basically dead (tablet itself seems okay though so that's good... but its pretty old...) and also i'm going out of town soon so there won't be much time to do any drawing for a good while i think. maybe i should take my sketchbook though... guess i'll put some thoughts under a readmore

well... what a year. i should write about it on my neocities before i have to fly out. remember neocities? i sure didn't for a solid six months. hey, html is hard, what can i say? that aside, i'd like to thank everyone for the support this year. my blog grew quite a lot because i was drawing quite a bit of subway boss stuff and apparently that was a good idea. like, dude... i've just been having a prolonged brainrot episode and it's still probably going to keep going for a good long while. even larry hasn't distracted me long enough to not draw ingo and emmet for one day. even without submas art i would probably still be drawing pokemon stuff, unless i decide to be real bold and re-experience my great ace attorney phase (yes i had one (no i didn't post about it. thank god)) or something like that. regardless of whether my interests shift of my activity rises or falls, and whether those who follow me now stick around or move on, i'd still like to express my gratitude for your support. and not just to people following me, but to the people liking and/or reblogging my content and to those who will follow me in the future. without the feedback, i figure i would not be posting so much. funny little notification on funny little computer make the smooth little brain become happier brain, which is a "i want to draw" brain. the amount of notes doesn't matter overall, but it's nice to be acknowledged. i still do a lot of drawing that isn't shared here because it's just stuff i do for me, but its still pretty nice to be able to make stuff that is suitable to post and to see it actually get attention.

as for the plan next year, there might be some big changes in store for me yet. and i would still like to continue to draw subway bosses. but maybe i'll start posting some original content too (like i mean i have a tag for it and i kinda haven't been using it sooooooooooooo) and more frequent posts would be nice. maybe not once a week but just here and there. perhaps i'll share more sketches. i would like to acquaint everyone with my ocs, and maybe get around to rewriting their toyhouse pages which i took down to work on and never did WHOOPSIE DOODLES

okay i think that's enough, i have to save some of this for my diary on neocities like i said... see y'all next year AYYYYYY (im so tired)

[theropoda]

:3 ty @palewhitehorse for tagging me in this!!! it's a little long so i put it under a readmore

nickname: just john !

sign: sagittarius, idk the Specifics

height: it has been a while since i last checked my height but i think im like 5'5 or 5'6

last thing you googled: sledge party

song stuck in my head: she's homeless by crystal waters

number of followers: a thousand something...

amount of sleep: God only knows. either too much or too little

dream job: if we are living in a fantasy world where i get a job for the sake of my job and not money.... i dunno i think id volunteer at a museum? :3

wearing: a wrap around skirt and a tartan button up

books that summarize you: i don't read books :> or at least long thick ones without pictures...i dont like reading big boxes of text its really difficult. i own a bunch of paleontology books rife with illustrations i suppose one of them would summarize me?????

fav song: well as of now it's the song id already mentioned earlier

fav instrument: i don't play any instruments :( from a sheer perspective of sound i really like pianos and guitars and violins they just sound good.

aesthetic:

fav author: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

random fun fact: i saw a cool spider the other day!!

tagging whomever would like to do it!! I'm too tired to tag everyone id like to

[mtndewpitchblack]

if you see this no the FUCK you don't but having said that. no reblogs vent under readmore

IF AT ANY POINT YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN PARSE THE IDENTITIES OF ANY FOLLOWING SUBJECT ALIASES [3, 4, 5, 5², 5³, 5⁴, 5⁵, 7] EXIT THE READMORE!!!!

It feels like all of my friends are so busy right now. Everyone I know and hang out with has something else going on, and it's not their fault. I can't blame them, life is busy! I get that! It just feels, really strongly, like they're all finding time for things, though. Just not me. [7] and [5] are busy as hell obviously but it turns out they, well, at least [7], is hanging out with [5²] despite saying that [7] and I would hang out like last week :(. And I tried this weekend and [7] was, again, busy, after I canceled plans with [5³]

post canceled i just need friends with not 5 letter names

post uncanceled. anyways i canceled rave plans with [5³] bc i just had a long emotional conversation with [5²] and even THEN i felt like I was ignoring the stuff I felt and wanted to say just to make [5²] feel better AGAIN. because it's not like I've been doing everything I can to make other people feel better for the last like 5 years of my overactive guilty conscience!!! but I had to make [5²] feel better, of course, because IM not the most hurt one here, but then, it turns out [5²] was JUST HANGING OUT WITH [7]!!! IVE BEEN TRYING!!!!!!!! [7] HAD [5²] HELPING [7] CLEAN [7] APARTMENT!!! LIKE I HAVWNT BEEN TRYING TO TEXT THE GC FOR TWO WEEKS TRYING TO SEE [7+5]!!!! [5] isn't even replying anymore, and I KNOW [5] is busy but fuck ME if it doesn't seem like it's just ME Specifically Getting Ignored!!! I shouldn't have to text [5] individually just to get some kind of response (note I have not actually done that yet. If [5] is ignoring me for some reason that's HIS thing to navigate.) but like. three years or so. I've been trying to be helpful and nice amd funny and interesting and trying so hard not to talk too much about my interests because I've already made [7, 5²] involve themselves in my interests a fuck ton as it is, and [5] doesn't always do well with recommendations, which I have been trying so hard not to take personally because I know [5] doesn't mean it!!

Anyways I canceled the plans with [5³] to relax and not break down and because I also was supposed to hang out with [5⁴] and either watch my fav movie, a new show [5⁴] showed me, or I'd get to show [5⁴] one of the abandoned buildings nearby, which are all activities that LITERALLY MEAN THE WORLD TO ME!!! IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FRIDAY then. [5⁴] wasn't feeling good. so we raincheck for sat. Well now, it's sat, and [5⁴] has to go home to visit [5⁴] family, so we put it off for Sunday, and then it's Sunday, and [5⁴] gets back, barely texts about how [5⁴] water just got shut off and how there's an errand [5⁴] has to run, then about how "I'm sorry I'm so exhausted" which I GET bc it's your PARENTS HOUSE trust me brother i understand. so i try to reach out to literally any of my friends that I'm pretty sure might have time. See previous for results on this test with [7]. I didn't text [5, 5², 5³] or [5⁴], bc [5] isn't responding, I canceled with [5³], i still need time and space IRT [5²], and [5⁴] obviously canceled on me three days in a row which means [5⁴] MAY have lied about not being tired of me. But it turns out [3] was busy, and doesn't really ask me to clarify much on what I'm upset about, and ofc I'm not reaching out to mom and dad about this shit, and [5⁵+4] were supposed to play minecraft with me like ALL WEEKEND AND [4] kept canceling because of his late ass work shifts (ENTIRELY JUSTIFIED) and [5⁵] was barely on, bored, and isolated the whole time, and that was only like, Saturday, the only day anybody beyond myself alone played!! [5⁵+4] aren't even replying in our group chat sometimes!!! [5⁵] was just sitting AFK in the nether all day yesterday which means he was ONLINE SOMETIME BEFORE I GOT ON AND DIDNT TELL ANYONE DESPITE ME AAKING IN THE GROUPCHAT IF ANYONE WANTED TO PLAY YESTERDAY!!!! This shit is why losing friends always hurts me so goddamn much, because it seems like no matter how long it takes someone always eventually decides I'm too much and they start to step away. And what am I supposed to do, bring it up? Get my attention back out of guilt?? What kind of fucking egomaniac would I have to beeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!! And sure there's inevitably a healthy way to communicate this stuff, but if they're BUSY I don't want to BOTHER them and if they're IGNORING ME then it doesn't MATTWR WHAT I SAY I GUESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[4ce160]

i have to talk about this or else i'll implode and i dont think my friends want to hear me go on about ice hockey for like an hour, i have already tormented them enough (putting this under a readmore. i am tired and am probably being dramatic)

after several years of wanting to play ice hockey i finally managed to do so like two days ago. i obviously fell a bunch of times because i hadnt ice skated in a while (three years :skull_emoji:), and going almost straight into a match as a first time thing wasnt really the best idea. i sucked as expected, but it was still really fun and familiar in some aspects, and i am determined to become at least okay-ish at it

i was at the second training yesterday (technically today but my sleep schedule is bad), and we went through some more basic skating techniques which was really nice, and im grateful that the karate apparently helps with some aspects. Idk it just feels surreal because it's a thing I've wanted to do for so long, but I've never really talked about it much and i feel emberassed about being so happy about it

idk im also realizing that me for the longest time going "Hell yeah I want to play ice hockey!!!" every time a hockey reference popped up wasn't really normal levels of interest(tm). There sadly weren't any hockey clubs in my hometown either lmao (there were people who did indoor hockey/floorball(?) but we'd played that a bunch at school and it wasn't as appealing :pensive:).

ironically enough, i was always unable to really watch ice hockey on the tv or get into any too ice hockey-related media, because I'd get so distraught about not being able to play it myself that I'd just be unable to focus on it. Like it'd happen with other sports/activities too but it'd be extra bad with ice hockey (and karate but I'd already practiced that so it was less frustrating). I'm embarrassed to say that i almost quit watching il for a bit when they got to the hockey episodes because I'd be like "m a n i want to play ice hockey :( " then I'd just and be really distraught over it for a bit :pensive.jpg:

i suppose it's the surreal-ness of doing that this year as well as starting t which were two things i thought i wasnt going to be able to do anytime soon. it's just really cool