#im the worst like THAT IS A DIRK THING TO SAY

[controversialcoven]

Saw this audio and felt the need to make this

Original audio here, turnabout au made by @cringefail-clown !

[chessb0r3d]

i cracked the code.

[weirdmageddon]

i love these tags this person is so right

actually, can you imagine if dave was raised by B1 roxy?

i wanna get into this actually

(ok i had to spend a few hours rewriting this because IT DIDNT FUCKING SAVE AFTER FIVE HOURS OF WRITING WHEN MY COMPUTER UPDATED WHILE I WAS AFK so it would mean a lot to show this post some appreciation. i LOVEEE hearing what other people have to say)

even though these things mom does are presented in an extravagant, kitsch, jokey way, her intentions always came from a place of sincerity. she is simply Funnie

but rose reads too far into it and assumes things that aren't there, that her mother is passive-aggressively feigning interest in rose's interests simply because the things she does are so extra. "why do all of this if not to mock me"

im telling you right now if dave lived in this household he wouldn't assume antagonism, he'd go,

don’t forget who LITERALLY patented tangible jpeg artifacts as their post-scratch adult self and scattered shitty scummed up statue of liberties all over the planet. theres no way some of that overboard artful shit wasnt post-ironic / circling back around to genuine funny sincerity

dave's natural state is funny sincerity like roxy. he's had the natural capacity for this type of humor from the start and this is the direction he goes towards when he grows out of his brother's shadow by the end of the comic. dave and roxy share an earnest “so bad its good” type of humor

(lots more under the cut; the length of this meta analysis just got unwieldly with all the pictures and whatnot)

despite the alcoholism, roxy is a supportive mother. she's not the ideal guardian but hells of a lot more supportive of her kid than bro is. if she knew dave's interests she would totally indulge in them with some over the top silly goofy haha shit as a genuine gesture simply because she loves him

rose isn't too keen on it though. but she is more similar to dirk in her natural state of thinking of overthinking shit and assuming the worst, like the tags said

and yes dave got the sweet cuddly yet sometimes backhanded ouppy gene from roxy, probably even moreso lol

roxy's even said rose "sounds like girl dirk"

side tangent here, but this is something i wanna talk about.

i dont think bro should ever be in custody of children ever but if theres anyone who would be up to the task it's rose probably. i know she'd be able to keep up with him. not only does she have a defined personality (dave is more malleable and absorbs his environment like a sponge), if anyone can pick apart B1 dirk's batshit brain and probably be right on the money it's her. lil cal has been pumping patriarchal nonsense into bro's head and rose would be able to bring the fucking facts to the table without losing her own and being a living example of a badass little girl. i also don't think bro would try to force masculine roles onto rose like he did with dave, seeing as she is a girl, so she would actually have more of a leg up and get some passes that dave was never afforded. and rose wouldn't stand idly and accept any bullshit; she is no doormat. and i think this would earn bro's respect

but anyway, from this, couldn't we conclude roxy "sounds like girl dave"?

yeah okay. we havent even gotten into their penchant for funny typos or misspeaks, deliberate or otherwise

so, dave's environment

the sentiment "god you hope you can be as good as your bro at this some day" might have been genuine at the time when he idolized bro but of course he's not able to express that in any sort of sincere fashion because he's in dirk's fucking household. and this level 10 irony shit isnt doing dave any favors

his role models were the Internet and a vague idea of what Bro was like. So he built up his facade based on irony–not the literary definition of irony, as Rose might be quick to point out, but a popular concept of irony based on the idea that things that didn’t make sense actually made sense in some roundabout way. As a master of irony, Dave probably reasoned, he could see in a way other people couldn’t why a world that was scary and didn’t make sense really did make sense, and could therefore convince those people that he was superior to them. And he would wield his knowledge to maintain the appearance of superiority by calling everything ironic and pretending he didn’t care about things that didn’t make sense, and he would use walls of vaguely rhyming words to keep everyone at arm’s length so they wouldn’t discover his insecurities (source)

roxy's style is the embodiment of post-irony. being raised by mom lalonde would be like being raised by joel vinesauce ok

what can i say ….. (getting meta about this actually, hussie got these jpeg wizard wallpapers from a spyware website. link takes some time to load because internet archive)

rose is quick to read post-irony as actually being a joke/insincere, which in bro's case would be true. but i believe dave's natural instinct, outside of the influence of bro, is to read post-irony as genuine, which is exactly how mom serves it. we see this as early as act 3 from him; he understands her motives better than rose does herself:

and in act 6 intermission 2 i think it's pretty clear

but the thing is, it's always genuine from her. dave wouldn't have to second guess it because he's not one to naturally second guess someone's sincerity; that was learned due to his bro being virtually unassailable

there two types of ironies at play here:

seems like a joke, is actually genuine (roxy)

doesnt seem like a joke, is actually a joke (dirk)

you can make the argument that the second is is more psychologically destructive because it makes you question the reality of what is genuine sentiment and what isn't. dave never knew what was genuine and what was irony so he just sort of existed in this sincerity-ironic limbo and always did the opposite of what he genuinely felt on principle even if it always did originate from a genuine place.

"it just a joke bro i was just being ironic i dont actually x" is so much more trust-breaking and psychologically damaging than "wait are you being serious" / "i am being so fucking fr rn davy gravy" / "ok thats actually pretty fucking awesome. giant ass wizard statue" / "RIGHT"

how much about dave would change do you think? his character arc would be completely different for one thing, i think he'd have it good aside from mom's alcohol issues. he'd be left with the sweet and funny parts of him that we see at the end of the comic. the fake coolguy stuff is out, but this remains. this is dave in his element and we see it as early as act 1

he'd probably have no shades growing up in the lalonde residence* either cause those were given to him by bro straight out of the crater as an extension of his own cool image. and john gave dave ben stiller’s aviators for his 13th birthday to replace them so he could “spread his wings”

dave said he was wearing them for the ironies but i kind of doubt it. maybe post-irony but there was some reacharound to it being genuine because dave never put those pointy anime shades on his face again.

*though... it’s kind of hard to imagine him without his shades at all? B2 dave still got stiller’s shades from stiller himself so maybe getting them is a universal constant. i can imagine mom getting him them as a birthday gift cause shes pretty wealthy and probably could buy it out in an auction. but also itd be cool if john still gave him it as a gift

dave is actually a lot more genuine and easy to read than he lets on even when grappling with his upbringing with B1 dirk (again, see this post). this can be seen all throughout he comic but a good example is the evolution of thoughts about his interest in the preserved dead things in his room:

if B1 roxy was dave's guardian he probably WOULD have pursued paleontology because she wouldve indulged him in it and probably find it cool and worthwhile to pursue, instead of allowing dave to flounder under ironic detachment, being poisoned by irony to the point of gaslighting himself into believing he doesnt actually believe he thinks this shit is cool. even if it was indulged in this such a way; a superficially kitsch and ironic appearing presentation, it comes from a genuine place and inspires genuine interest. just read the comments.

basically, i think if B1 roxy raised dave, their relationship would have a surface level appearance of being bizarre or over-the-top but they’d have an unsaid mutual understanding that it’s completely in earnest and just build on each other's funny and absurd gestures of affection. rather than seeing it as one-upping each other, it'd more like collaboration of some silly bullshit that you take a step back and look at full and just say, "fucking incredible"

speaking of paleontology, mom had the proto-ectobiology lab. maybe they'd be able to use the equipment to appearify paradox ghost imprints of the dead shit to create paradox clones of things from the cambrian era??? sounds like a fun mother son bonding activity. and theyd actually put the sciencey shit in the household to use

oh god i know exactly the kinds of music shed listen too also growing up as a teen in the 80s. she on that (post)-punk/art rock/new wave/new romantic mtv stuff. XTC shit fr. this is a B-52S HOUSEHOLD. maybe the associates for the campy melodramatic flair. so he gets to keep the record on his shirt cause he is an enjoyer of the shit in her vinyl collection. dave would still gravitate towards musical expression and music itself but of more variety outside of just rap, with an 80s-90s, even 70s flavor due to mom’s influence. see this for perhaps a glimpse. ​she probably visited new york city a lot for business trips and because the music scene was cool as hell around that time, imports came straight from jfk airport, she probably got in on that a bit and have remnants in the form of vinyls and cassettes. in this way she could be distributing void to dave (influencing him with forgotten / presently irrelevant music). now he can REALLY rave about bands none of his friends have heard of. “hey davy grvay watcha listenin to” (he holds up vinyl cover) “omg snakefinger”

btw dave lalonde would look like this to me

[loquaciousscribe]

Hiyaa! Do you write for the alpha kids from Homesruck as well?? If so can you write for dirk general headcanons?? (Feel like he be a bit more awkward than dave more like internally screaming or something lol)

Sorry if you have many request is okay if you don't want to do it!

uhm... my bad for the random hiatus.. gyulp

DIRK STRIDER X READER GENERAL HEADCANONS

compared with Dave, the Striders are very similar, stoic, ironic, and all that stuff.

One of the key differences is their tell(for like emotions?). Dave has a lot of control over his voice, but you can see it in his face, whereas Dirk has a lot of control over his face, but you can hear emotions in his voice.

expect some stumbling over words when he’s flustered

“ur pretty cute, yk” “i- whatt was that..?” “i said ur cute” *stare*

i can see him just staring at you when he doesnt know what to do or say

He wants affection, but he doesn't really know how to like.. do that. He doesn't know how to go about initiating affection, and he'd kill himself before actually asking you, so he kinda just stays in the same room as you until you get the hint. Kinda like a cat.

just hovering around you in general, especially around groups of people.

He is sososososososososososososososoSO touch starved, man

If he hears something like "Oh! [name]'s been talking about you!" he's immediately thinking of the worst possible scenario. Not necessarily because he thinks you would, but because he thinks he deserves that.

he definitely listens EXTRA well if he hears you mention his name(say nice things pls)

kinda a given, but he draws the two of you together and gets all giddy about it

if YOU give anything to HIM, whether that's art, food, something you bought, a cool rock you found, ANYTHING, he will treasure it forever

that being said he gets intimidated by large gifts. if you get him something super big he'd try to get you something even bigger to counter

you’re gonna need to initiate most of everything.. kissing, cuddling, holding hands.. he wont know when it’s appropriate unless you do it first so he just doesn’t even try

im still better than @somberauthor because i actually posted:3

[dorkhellbside]

okay so the universe is very super natural in nature! (angels and demons and cryptids r real and on earth)basically i just kind of want to know like.. how to write him as he's being generally really paranoid about stuff,, i know its hard to give tips when im not super specific but im not sure how to be specific for anything ever </3 his intro thing is going to be him being very disoriented and he's probably going to be really confused so,, generally just how he might interact with (mainly very easily or possibly hostile and/or standoffish/passive-aggressive) people (and also people-adjacent) in this kind of situation,, thank you dorkhell guy

oh yeah for sure :) dirk is like. already a paranoid guy. jumpy at best, installs cameras throughout his apartment at worst.

i wouldn't say the convo with caliborn is that good of a marker for him being standoffish because he was humoring him and being petty about it. he's already got distance between himself and caliborn so he's not keyed up or anything.

oh that's another thing. if he's in a stressful situation, he'd do the splintery thing. try to do whatever he would need so he can keep a neutral-ish mask. create space between himself and others, study the blade and the playing field, again, a paranoid guy.

we only see him start freaking out right before he turned trickster because he did NOT plan for this shit. if he's plopped into a new location, he's waving his sword around in front of strangers until he figures out what's happening. or promptly absconds. not that there is absolutely ZERO situations where he couldn't be calmed down, you just have to find what that would take :3

i think a (slightly) calmed down dirk would have the tone of the petulant hal on pg 4963, an annoyed dirk on pg 4971, or like an anxious dirk on pg 5641. he's not churning out exclamation marks often i guess until he's about to flip his lid, but he does all caps key words.

one more thing, he does ramble, when he's nervous. like goes fucking on about metaphors to things but on purpose to distract from the point, unlike dave. he stops when he realizes no one's laughing or nodding along lol. i hope this helps at least somewhat.

[davekat-sucks]

Didn't read the update because fuck that noise but damn did virska actually say that she cured rose from the ultimate self shit. I thought that was because Rose was in a doomed timeline and no longer in the alpha timeline, which would be Dirk's Meat timeline. Virska does everything again because shes the bestest eva... everytime i read the blog im so glad i stopped reading but i can't help but be interested

All Vriska did was slap the alcohol away and for some odd reason, Rose is not alcoholic anymore. Everything about Vriskagram is just bullshit because it is just Vriska solving EVERYTHING. From stopping Gamzee, stopping Rose from becoming a drunkard, using the dead trolls to help make the sprites for the Alpha session like how Gamzee originally did.... It was all about that 8itch. And people had PRAISED Vriska that she stopped Rose by one pic of her doing it. Out of all the times the series had to use the "Show Don't Tell" kind of thing, this is the WORST kind to use it.

What makes it funnier too is that, yes, Dave and Karkat are near Rose when she is drinking alcohol. BUT THEY DON'T DO ANYTHING TO STOP HER AND JUST CONTINUE MAKING """"SICK"""" BEATS WITH EACH OTHER BECAUSE DAVEKAT!! Gee Dave, you sure are a good friend/brother to Rose. And nobody in the fandom thought about that. They just see Davekat and squee at the yaoi.

[clockworkcheetah]

wip snippet game!

rules: tagger gives a word, then for each letter of that word you share an excerpt from your WIPs that start with that letter.

tagged by @urlocallesbiab with the word SHARK 🦈💖

and i tag: @lovedbz1, @hearteyespierce, @fruchtfliege, @bripops and anyone with a WIP who would like to! no pressure!

your word is GEARS

now onto the snippets- not just dghda! theres deathmark and submas too for the hadful of people who follow for that haha (under the cut):

S

She didn't appreciate Todd- wouldn't even look at him during those times, and she doesn't know if he was ever looking at her. It's almost embarrassing to admit it was more than a one-time encounter. And each time was a practical we-are-just-lonely-and-need-relief kind of deal. That's all. She almost missed the chance to ever enjoy it. But, here they are, enjoying it.

from the dirk/todd/farah smut fic. brain decided it had to write it

H

Happy tears prick your eyes, as you them to fuck off downstairs before Todd wakes up. They give you a fond, returning eye-roll, as they trudge out of the apartment. Now it's just you and him. The start of a sunrise tries to peak through the overcast sky. Everything is different. Less than a day ago, you'd say for the worst. That confession- that betrayal- hurt more than any pararibulitis attack ever could. You stare at him, the shadow of someone almost familiar. In the morning sun, he's sickly; skin sallow and sad. Black eye. Deserved. It's strange. You're angry. That's not the strange part- you can't imagine ever not being angry- but you don't know… Farah's explanation of what happened, and her frets over him, dance in your brain like flies. He saved Lydia Spring won't stop repeating. The same flush of frustration is still lodged inside and you can't get the damn feeling to fucking move. This is the kind of shit everyone would say you need to go to therapy for. Ugh.

from the amanda fic. its supposed to be dark!amanda but its feeling more just very indepth character study rn haha 😅 its taking forever but i am enjoying this wip

A

Abrasive. Rude, snarky, unpleasant. Difficult. Those are the usual ways Mashita gets described. By the clients, by the majority of the other Bearers. Hell, the spirits probably would if they could. (Well, the Departed made it abundantly clear…) And, even Yashiki himself is inclined to agree, as he too has been on the receiving end of Mashita's irritability. Everyone has; it makes him no more different in those regards.

from a kinda old death mark fic. i do wanna finish cause the fandoms somewhat niche and im itching for specific type of yashita fic so might as well write it myself

R

"Right." He says.   Theoretically, he should probably say he- presumably- saw the same bizarre thing that Dirk did, but it's Dirk, so he won't. Dirk would probably start spewing that they're fated or some shit. Whatever thread Dirk thinks they have, entwining them together, Todd has scissors.   And if he can't use scissors, he has teeth. 

timeloop fic! ive definitely shared this snippet before but apparently i dont start my sentences with the letter R too often 😅

K

Knowing this now, a flush of guilt runs through him. Ingo settles down next to him. "I forgive you." There's nothing to really forgive, but it's easier. Emmet won't accept anything else. Emmet shifts, making more room. "I'm not lying. I know what I saw. What I'm seeing."  That's true. Emmet isn't a liar. His blunt honesty is becoming less charming with each passing year for people- just like Ingo's constant 'rude frown'. But it's not coming from a malicious place- Ingo has certainly never took issue. Ingo just doesn't understand why. Why this? He doesn't want to doubt his brother. Never will, not really. Emmet's not really a prankster-type, despite the mischievous perma-smile plastered on his face. And he especially wouldn't lie to their own mother, or Uncle Drayden. Maybe he would tease Ingo- with Ingo teasing right back- but this seems very... not Emmet. Not his style in the slightest. He's serious, straight-laced. Serious is his fun. This... this doesn't appear to be very fun for him.

aaaand immortal!ingo fic that im hoping to finish soonish (probably after i get the amanda fic done)

[spacedhead]

homestuck reread #12: act 6 p3

this is so funny to me im giggling in call and my friends are asking but im not brave enough to say it

john is fighting jack?? OKAYYYY WIN THIS SHIT THEN

HI ROSE OMG HI ROSE . it sucks how they cant like communicate with each other at all during the three years. like you guys dont have multi dimensional service? get the iphone plan

RAHHHHH

bro shut up LOLLLLLL

what the fuck is this . WHY ARE THEY BEING SO MEAN TO EACH OTHER GUYS PLEASE YOU HAVE TO GET ALONG

TRUE we love a dumb motherfucker

due to speculation???

johntav

john looks so goofy here. also drunk rose was silly but also a bit sad

holy shit this is a lotta trolls

stop pretending. we all know you want attention stop trying to deny it. AND ANOTHER THING. the stuff that is going on with caliborn? WRDGAF. the meenah intermissions were fun though. some funny dialogue in there. i liked them :) . unfortunately it just made me wanna get back to what the beta kids and trolls are doing... even though i see them every so often i feel like i miss them. like i used to see them all the time! and now... i see them once a year....

yeah you really screwed the pooch on that one lil bro

okay this dialogue is actually painful to read BUT it is interesting how a common theme of the alpha kid session is just. Waiting . they have to wait for the beta kids to come to actually make their session winnable and it keeps telling us that . so theyre just sitting around stewing in their juices. also cool that theyre called nobles instead of heroes and their planets each have a noble gas in the title

this doesnt really make sense over text BUT i see what is happening and. yes jake is the worst. jake you suck we all hate you sorry girl maybe stop being flop city

yeah okay jane is actually based right now. i cant remember why i stopped liking her. in this conversation jake is ragging on dirk for being too self indulgent and having zero self awareness while talking to jane about his issues. jane is literally trying to plan her own birthday party . jake you are being so fucking stupid and rude and honestly a pos rn bro. get OVER yourself

cool panel.... a bit scary though! man i love roxy. calliope is good too

holy shit i did not know that your dreamself has to be alive for you to ascend to god tier on your quest bed. that is interesting.

YOOOO HI ROSE. I MISSED YOU SO MUCH YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED WHILE YOU WERE GONE. and by gone i mean not the center of the story i guess? but either way

bro is like are you serious right now. is this really happening. also hey equius . long time no see. i guess

OH HELL YEAH BEST CHARACTER JUST INTRODUCED BTW

ahahahahaha oh man this guy is a riot. also look at dirk this is huge for the dirk profile picture community which could be me soon

"it seems i demand milk" NEED TO START SAYING THIS ABOUT THINGS

oh man i really hate this part. i hope it isnt too long i dont remember if its really drawn out or short

he is about to die

he deserved this

gahhhhhhhhh its too much PLEASE let this end soon

this shit is IMPOSSIBLE TO READ

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO fefeta :( best character you will be missed on this grand adventure. but alas we will have to carry on without you. how will we cope? how will we survive?

i think you are giving him too much credit there . at this point he definitely IS an asshole

okay well trickster mode is over and things are about to get even worse but i do appreciate the kids talking out their problems albeit in a very non direct way to where they arent actually really solving anything BUT they are at least talking now!! so thats good!! next part things take a turn for the worse somehow see you then

[ponypaltrail]

very good addition, i agree on all points. im gonna take this and ramble a bit with my vague, half formed ideas (not an essay its not nearly organized enough)

dirk really does see himself as the worst possible person, like he has this fundamental evil within himself that he has to protect others from. he sees himself (and splinters) as someone who, if gone unchecked, will inevitably bring harm to others regardless of whether he wants to or not. this is just like, something that Will happen that he needs to take precautions for. this is kind of a core tenet of my own ocd (because i can only speak of my own experiences/ocd Brand), this kind of bone deep unshakable belief that i am a danger to others. constantly fighting to suppress your True Evil Nature, the fates have destined you for evil, etc. ocd makes you believe in prophecies and shit

dirk treats himself (and his splinters especially) like a loaded gun. hal is dangerous because he's dirk acting in a way dirk cannot control, aka his worst nightmare. and so he controls hal more harshly and projects his self hatred onto him etc etc. dirk constantly has to keep the reigns (neigh.) tight on himself and always be this like tightass no feelings coolguy, or else. See how he was immune to the trickster trip as like a cosmic joke for having such rigid control over himself that he can't turn it off. (that sticks out to me as someone who was terrified of anything mind altering as a child for fear of what i would do if i lost control. i was/am also terrified of mind readers)

dirk also has this infinite guilt for literally everything, another ocd tenet. he feels guilt for things hes done, but also he has to "bear a certain responsibility" for shit he wasnt even a part of. this kind of guilt for like potential/indirect/future wrongdoing is very real. treating yourself like a serial killer when you havent actually killed anyone etc. you have an original sin you must atone for.

^what i was talking about earlier, about "how someone like me can go unchecked in life". always always keeping yourself in check. this scene is something i think about. dirk is constantly torturing himself over being a bad person and then finds out about a universe where he literally did all that shit hes afraid of doing. and he of course takes on the guilt for this (even when nobody else blames him), because hes responsible for all his splinters actions always. and the fucked up part is hes kind of right here, i can see it. even if he didnt do that stuff, you can see proto-versions of a lot of bro's traits in him (dirk 'training' jake and bro 'training' dave comes to mind). this has really stuck with me. ocd is constantly torturing yourself with endless spiraling 'what if's: what if im a terrible person, what if i hurt people i care about. and this is a scenario where you see exactly how the what if is possible. thats fucked up. i dont even know what i would do if i learned this. probably kill myself. to be fair dirk does that multiple times

the quote above really resonates with me. "I can't escape from myself." that sentence basically covers all the shit ive been saying here. the core of it all. but like you said, dirk is constantly analyzing himself at nauseam ad infinitum. when you live in a box alone in the middle of the ocean thats kind of all there is to do. the never ending obsessing over morality is yet another tenet. his constant dialogs with hal (even during other conversations) where they have their weird irony battles and needle and pick at and analyze each other. constantly questioning and punishing himself/each other, echoing and spiraling down and down (sick nin reference). and then obsessing over that obsessing. and that gets roped into it too, what kind of person are you if you give this so much thought? why cant you stop? you cant escape yourself.

i dont really know how to end this, this isnt an "essay" or an analysis just kind of a loose, overly personal collection of thoughts and what i relate to (everything about dirk is inevitably overly personal). this quote here is something i find comforting, its a very kind reality check that other people do not share the same deep belief that you are Wrong. dirk isnt bro, people who worry this much about being horrible or becoming horrible usually are fine. mind crimes arent real, you have control over your actions, and as long as you care enough to put in some effort that counts for something. in conclusion:

someday ill write the dirk ocd essay

[pesterloglog]

Dave Strider, Kanaya Maryam

Page 113-114

DAVE: no stay with me here

DAVE: i know people grow and change and shit its dumb to think you havent improved or whatever since we met ten years ago

DAVE: but rose is gone

DAVE: and roxy isnt gone but he isnt really the same as he was before

DAVE: maybe thats shitty of me to say and im like leaning in to my own internal biases

DAVE: but talking to him feels different

DAVE: and karkat is the same big fucking tool hes always been but our shit is definitely

DAVE: uh

DAVE: different than it was before

DAVE: but yeah you i can always still recognize

KANAYA: I Am Quite Easy To Locate In The Dark

DAVE: heh

DAVE: yeah

KANAYA: Thank You

DAVE: for what

KANAYA: For Reminding Me Why Im Here

DAVE: cool

KANAYA: Since We Are Sharing In This Human Emotion Called Friendship

KANAYA: What About You

DAVE: what about me what

KANAYA: How Are Your Feelings

DAVE: oh those

DAVE: yeah theyre pretty good

DAVE: not much to say on that front

DAVE: except sometimes your best friend disappears and your other best friend goes into a ghost coma and your third best friend fucks off to space with your dad

DAVE: the dude youve spent the last 7 years convincing yourself isnt an egomaniacal anime villain

DAVE: and who isnt actually lying in wait to completely decimate your life and your emotions and shit

DAVE: anyway i forgot what my point was but yeah im fine

DAVE: though what the fuck does that even mean anymore for any of us

DAVE: maybe it was naive to think that a bunch of twenty something trauma victims could run a society

DAVE: maybe this is better

DAVE: at least this way we cant fuck it up worse

DAVE: cool how earth c existed for centuries then we show up and manage to ruin society in seven fucking years

DAVE: maybe dirk actually did the smartest thing he could

DAVE: fucking left

KANAYA: Perhaps

KANAYA: But He Did Leave Arguably The Two Worst Possible People In Charge When He Did

DAVE: man i guess

DAVE: but who knows maybe jane will turn out to be a great president

DAVE: maybe without dirks corrupting influence jakes ass will become a symbol of peace and interspecies harmony

DAVE: at least everyone can agree on something

DAVE: shit how does this always happen

DAVE: every serious conversation i have inevitably falls apart into riffing on a casual acquaintances ass

KANAYA: Not To Suggest Anything Untoward

KANAYA: But You Appear To Be The Unifying Component In All Of These Scenarios

DAVE: could be

DAVE: but all that aside i really do think were better off out here

DAVE: at least i am

[bringcal]

I'm going to be repeating similar criticisms I had on my post I had a bit ago so yeah but I'll try to flesh them out a bit, I do not analyze homestuck so sorry if I fuck up the information a little.

I feel like a lot of people forgot why the epilogues and Homestuck 2 are the way they are so let me just say that when homestuck ended there was actually a lot of unsatisfied and upset people because they think the ending sucked and wanted more from it. Instead of fighting the Big Bad (tm) they take an alternative ending and escape the narrative, creating a new path for themselves. People really wanted Hussie to continue it at the very least and didnt want it to end this way and kept pestering them about it. That is your rundown. The epilogues in a way is a massive troll. a way to say " Oh you want it to continue no matter what? sure. here you go " It was meant to piss you off and it worked, many people hated the epilogues and homestuck 2 because it was so shitty and ruined their characters when that is the entire point. Some people know this and still think it was done in a really stupid way but personally I loved it.

So this is kind of why I dislike where the new team is going with Homestuck 2 because at its core its going against the entire reasoning or Homestuck 2 existing. The entire thing has been a fix-it fic so far, where it feels like everyones getting their highlight and attention and suddenly things are going well. Fans are getting a lot of headcanons and desires for homestuck 2 made canon, and that.. is exactly why I dont like it.

They're trying to do so many things and tie up so many "loose ends" that things are being rushed and the writing is not great. I enjoyed the first update and it began to go downhill from there. I maybe laugh a little, but I don't feel connected to any of these characters or what theyre dealing with because a lot of it is just not.. shown? and some of it is just so out of the blue? You're telling me jake is just like.. Okay now? we needed a single update where he talks to BGD to make him okay and maybe reach ultimate status, which is ultimate dirks entire desire to never let happened and is why jake gets some of the worst treatment narratively? And the whole thing with vriska... Years are passing by in these conversations, yet the only taste we are getting is that core moment things were supposedly building up to, yet we dont get to see the build up were just supposed to infer shit happened and she knows better now. We are rushing vriskas development which is like.. Attempting to give vriska a redemption wouldve failed no matter what, not every character in a piece of media needs a redemption , she just needs to stop being a 16 year old about everything, i think she is allowed to be a bit of a bitch, amen. I have so many thoughts about the handling of vriska and thats all how ill summarize it.

The references and jokes are also like.. So new generation and listen, I never thought homestuck was as "timeless" with the jokes and references as people say it was, but Homestuck 2 is going to age horribly fast. The characters like davepeta and whatever are all quite fanonized and it really feels like fans puppeting empty characters. I feel like there is a huge push to bring back the essence of homestuck but it just cannot be replicated.

I hope, I truly hope, that homestuck 2 is going to do a 360 and end like " hey the fandom fuck you were doing this for you and look how much your desires for more homestuck suck and whatever ! " a sort of "taking the comic back from the fandom" thing and all the characters act more normal afterwards, but I do not see it, and I will be a little sad If i predicted the entire thing.

Sorry for the typos and whatever we are at a brunch and im just putting my train on thought onto paper.

what if i dont like Homestuck 2 anymore. what if I said i thought the old version was better

[davekat-sucks]

NGL, although I headcanon John as lean and not buff buff (because homie can't fight), it is dumb at making Dad Crocker the bad guy n such. Im fine with others headcanons but I don't like it forced onto me. Like how a lot of people make Dirk and Dave so lean, when these dudes should be anything but lean. ((Like IMO, I see them more built ones of the groups. While Jake and Jade know survival stuff and how to fight. I see Dave and Dirk more built due to the training, building things, etc))

I really want to know what went through Andrew Hussie and What Pumpkin's mind, to think making Dad Egbert as toxic masculinity towards his son, is a good excuse to complete the June Egbert Toblerone wish. Part of me wants to say it is Hussie's own coping mechanism for his own father's passing. Can't say, but the way they are going about this sickens me. With how fast Dave moves to keep up with Bro, he would have some muscles in him. It is crazy how much fanon starts to take over. What was once a small interpretation, is now taken as a fandom rule. Break it and you are the worst person ever. Nobody wants to admit it is all projection for these altered appearances. Same applies to trolls.

[fluorescencefuture]

Homestuck^2: How I’d write the Omega Kids (and the Candy timeline villains)

I haven't reread Homestuck nor the epilogues in a while so correct me if I'm wrong with anything here. This was all in one go, too, so I probably missed something here or there. I'm also not a native English speaker so pardon some grammar errors.

In General

I’d give them a five-letter name scheme. Names of a group being the same length was a big deal in original HS (human first names had four letters, troll names had six, Ancestors had eight-letter titles, Cherubs had eight letters too, etc.), so it’s odd seeing this new group have names of varying length

I’d also give them all shirt symbols. It’s odd that something so iconic to Homestuck isn’t present in the new kids, either.

I'll write for both the canon post-canon with evil Jane and for my own version with different villains. Evil Jane happens because a highblood troll who hears of the old ways of Alternia attempts to kill her and take her crown, as she's technically the heiress. Jane wins, but she starts to see trolls and Alternian culture in a different light from then on. At first she was only trying to prevent the worst parts of Alternian culture from coming back, but over time grew to despise trolls, and ended up trying to force human culture onto Alternians.

The other Candy villains are a dangerous terrorist rebel group that wants to overthrow the creators and destroy them. They say the creators made the people, abandoned the people for years, then suddenly came back and decided they control the people. The group is made of humans, trolls, carapacians, and even consorts. The mysterious shadowed leader claims to be doing this for the people, but really, all they want is to have control for themselves, and they don't care if any innocents get in the way.

Harry Anderson

Has nothing to fix, he’s perfect as is

Okay but seriously, the guy is the kid with the least questionable things around him. He has no baggage from sharing the same name as an established character (ICP Harry Anderson doesn’t count), and he didn’t come from infidelity.

He also has actual color to his personality. He likes musicals and sewing. He has a good relationship with his dad. Like many kids with divorced parents, he wishes his parents were together again. What do the others have? Vrissy is just a slightly less aggressive Vriska. Tavros is just OG Tavros and Jake combined. Yiffy’s thing is being a dog girl named Yiffany Longstocking. The others could be fleshed out eventually, but with the slow pace and meandering plot we have right now, I doubt it.

If Jane's the villain, things would mostly go the same way. If Jane isn't the villain, it goes two ways: he decides to join Vrissy's guerilla anti-anti-creator group and fight because he wants to protect his parents, or he's just very anti-conflict and avoids the fight because he doesn't think he's up to it. He's frequently threatened but doesn't tell his parents about the threats. Eventually, he gets convinced to join and fight.

Vrissy

So Vrissy’s in relationships with guys who are technically her cousins. At first I was like “well, they’re not biologically related nor were they raised as family so it’s not weird”. But then Tavros called Kanaya “Aunt Kanaya” and now I’m thinking “oh god, that’s really weird”.

Now she’s just a troll girl from school. She's just close to Kanaya and Rose, but isn’t their kid. She isn’t related to anyone. Anyone except Vriska, who she was named after. Vrissy’s new nickname is just Vriss.

Alternatively, her name is something completely different. Honestly, it just seemed like a way to shoehorn in a Vriska for the story. Only for actual Vriska to come back anyway.

Uhh, Eshtha (from Jyeshtha, a Hindu nakshatra Scorpius is associated with)? Oriona (from Orion, the myth where Scorpius is mostly attributed to)? Naiaka (from Manaiakalani, as Hawaiians saw Scorpius as the demigod Maui’s fishhook)? Oh wait, I’ll have to make nicknames for those names too. Uh, Eshty, Riona, and Naiah.

Maybe have her have a personality that’s rather opposite to Vriska’s than have her as Vriska 2. She's more a perky goth, more cheerful and sweet. More "I knew you could do it!" than "So you can do something after all." A beast in battle, of course. She doesn't like to use her mind control powers, because she finds them disturbing.

If Vriska had to come back, the conflict would come from their conflicting personalities. Vriska would pretty much act the same way she did to (Vriska), but this time, Vriss doesn't take any of it and stands her ground.

Whether the villain is Jane or not, she's the one who decides to fight back, and she gets her friends and others to join her. The creators have been nothing but good to her, and she cares about them a lot, especially Rose and Kanaya. Not to mention they're also her friends' parents.

Tavros

Yeah, we’re gonna have to rename that kid. It never made sense to me why Jake and Jane named their kid after some guy they don’t know that well. I don’t remember everything from the Epilogues, but I’ll assume the reason was Gamzee or something. Also weird that Jane, who’s supposed to be racist to trolls, would just...let her kid be named after one.

Something old-ish would work. Flynn? Silas? Avery? Clyde? Niles? Louie?

He's moirails with this Vriss instead of kismeses. The Vrissy/Tavros kismesis also felt like re-hashing the kismesis that Vriska and OG Tavros kinda had.

If we went post-canon villain Jane, he'd be reluctant to join the rebellion and is more of a pacifist who would rather try to talk his mom out of it.

Alternatively, Jane and Jake are separated (but not divorced) and he lives with Jake. Because Jane was never terrible to him and Jake doesn't tell him how bad she's gotten, he disagrees with her but still tries to justify and rationalize that Jane's really doing it from a place of good intentions.

If the villain isn't Jane, then Jane and Jake have been hiding him away, and his friends can only see him when they visit him at his swanky home. You might say he's...housetrapped. He joins because his friends are in it, and doesn't quite grasp how serious things are until the rebels try to kill Jane (the rebels try to kill Jane first because you always kill the healer first).

He's in contact with a mysterious guide who's kinda spacy and a little terrifying at times. His friends think the guide might just be some creepy predator. It's revealed to be Candy Gamzee, out of the fridge and legitimately harmless, but untraceable and doing mysterious things behind the black. Again.

Come to think of it, Dirk's missing too...

Yiffany Longstocking

Yiffy is now the ectokid of Dave and Jade. She looks more like a DaveJade kid than JadeRose, really. Dave and Jade are also either happily married or coming close to an amicable divorce. Yeah, the toxic shit Jade did and the erasure of Dave's bisexuality also don't exist here. Jade, Dave, Karkat, and Terezi are backing Vrissy's anti-anti-creator group.

Her new name is something unisex. Riley? Logan? Robin? Sloan? Salem?

She spends a lot of time outside doing sports and doesn't talk much. She's not very close to the other three kids, but she's surprisingly pretty close to her Aunt Rose.

While Jade and Dave are out on a mission for Karkat (this is the mission Candy Dave dies), she gets kidnapped by the opposing force (Jane/the terrorists). She gets a shock collar forced on her, then is hidden away in a Boarding School for Inconvenient Girls, enrolled under the name "Yiffany Longstocking". Jade comes home to find that her family's been taken from her. Again.

Yiffy almost escapes, but she gets knocked out and taken back to base, where they lock her in a cage and treat her like a dog. She's still defiant to the end.

If Jane's the villain, Jake is inspired by Yiffy's defiance, grows some balls, exposes Yiffy's treatment to the press, and sets her free. She beats up the guards trying to stop her. Jake gets surrounded by more guards. In response, he pulls out his pistols and a one-liner, and bam, cliffhanger.

If it's the terrorist group, Terezi picks up on Yiffy's scent when they're in a base, and she's saved by the other three kids, where she immediately turns around and beats the crap out of the guards. They become proper friends from there.

The reunion panel still happens and this time it's her reuniting with her loving mother and aunt instead of...y'know.

BONUS: Sadstuck

Harry gets his own “im not a hero” speech after trying and “failing” to be the hero that John was

Vriss is eventually forced to use her mind control powers. It’s either a “Katara using bloodbending" situation, or she forces her friends to leave her behind when they want to stick by her.

Tavros finally witnesses his mother’s true nature when Jake defeats all the guards, but is stabbed from behind by Jane and killed. In the other version, it seems Jane is finally safe and able to come home to her son. Then she’s killed right in front of him.

After the big hug with Jade and Rose, Yiffy pulls away. She smiles, looks around behind them, and asks “Where’s Dad?”

So, please tell me what you think!

[kamenriderhamo]

worst thing a homestuck is gonna do to me: say im a bitch for not liking when dirk strider is a cunt or just block me and move on worst thing a vivzie stan is gonna do to me: call me a slur that hasnt been used since the 1500s cause i didn't wanna see Queefany Shittens the multicolored eyesore bigot when i looked up a single word on tumblr tag search, then write a callout post saying im transphobic despite being a trans milf

literally would rather deal with the most "annoying" homestuck fan then ever deal with the "nicest" vivziepop fan cause one isnt gonna call me the r slur for disagreeing

[homestuckexamination]

im curious about your thoughts on bro strider. cus I think at least somewhat he was being manipulated... the evidence ive seen is that bro grew up with lil cal by his side, and cal actually was all possessed and creepy the whole time. probably haunted bro as much as he haunted dave. that cal was the one that triggered gamzee's whole shit, AND jack where he got the pool ball eyes that one time. plus a lot of bro's stuff in his apartment has stuff to do with caliborn. the whole saw movie themed stuff that was all over with like puppet death traps and shit? has maybe something to do with the skull headed guy with red spirals on his cheeks. he even says "I want to play a game" when he talks to dirk in act 6, literally basically jigsaw, a creepy puppet, adn dirk is who caliborn goes to for drawing "pornography" which calls back to bro running a weird puppet porn site as his main income in beta earth. in all cases it's what caliborn is into.

dirk's interests aren't absent, but they aren't the main thing, and I think that's how I see bro's level of responsibility for how he raised dave. even the hyper masculinity thing is more caliborn's deal, while dirk is literally gay and unbothered by that sort of thing. I think bro is what would happen to dirk if he's heavily corrupted by constant pressures throughout his whole life... and i really like dirk in act 6 because he isn't perfect, but he is good. he shows how being a good person is something you can put effort towards achieving, and you have reason to be thankful to the people around you for helping you be the best version of yourself, because that's not a given. your environment changes you. you can influence people, and they can influence you, and if that can make you worse, it can also make you better. and you can help people too. you can be the reason they are better too. and dirk tries his very best always... probably the most tragic thing about dirk is that he never learns why bro was abusive to dave. dirk really does think it's all him. maybe someday he'd learn about cal's influence over his beta self, but where we leave him, he just takes responsibility for everything, like he always thinks he has to.

also, I big reject what the epilogues did with him, no offense to anyone who liked that, but they treated evil as an inherent feature of dirk himself, like, way more than any other character??? and that's some wack crap that ignores his narrative themes and makes it seem as though they didn't like or care about his actual character in the first place. in my personal totally subjective opinion.

The thing is, it wasn’t direct Mind Control. There was probably some sort of suggestion, and ‘bringing the worst’ tendencies out of him, but I don’t think you can take responsibility or accountability away from the shit Bro pulled, in the same way I don’t think you can take that accountability away from Gamzee. Bro puts Dave through an hyper-toxic training probably meant to ‘strengthen him’ to fight SBURB since he, like the rest of the Guardians, seems to know what’s up to some degree. In this sense, he LITERALLY did the same to him as Doc Scratch did to Alternia. There may be influence there, but to me it’s pretty obvious Bro did it with the intention of ‘helping’ Dave, in a very misguided and dangerous way.

I HEAVILY disagree that HS^2 treats Dirk’s evil as an inherent feature of him, he’s obviously afraid and regretful and trying to do something he thinks is ‘the best’ in the same way Bro did with Dave, and he IS fucking up and doing awful things, but like, that’s definitely not inherent to him? Hell, even Brain Ghost Dirk disagrees with the motherfucker, and the Pesterquest Dirk Route DEFINITELY contradicts the idea that he’s “inherently evil” for fucking sure. He fell into exactly what he feared he could eventually fall into, and if you want to hate that because it’s a big regression and shame for his character, that’s entirely fair, but to say that they’re leaning into him as inherently evil seems like an outright misread to me.

[pesterloglog]

Roxy Lalonde, Dave Strider, Kanaya Maryam, Karkat Vantas

Page 43

ROXY: mm hm

ROXY: mhmm

ROXY: ...

ROXY: yep

ROXY: ...

ROXY: oh yeah

ROXY: for sure

ROXY: you too jake

ROXY: thanks man

ROXY: yeah well let u know what were gonna do

ROXY: later

ROXY: poor guy

DAVE: whatd he say

ROXY: a lot of it was hard to make out due to all the sobbing

ROXY: but yeah its like we thought

ROXY: dirk borrowed one of his ships and gtfo

KANAYA: But Did He Say WHERE

ROXY: nope

ROXY: doubt he told anybody tbh

ROXY: in fact id say odds are even he doesnt quite know where hes goin yet

DAVE: why do you think that

ROXY: idk i just know the guy

ROXY: also like

ROXY: whats even out there??

ROXY: dudes got a ship and now hes haulin ass randomly about w rose to i dunno

ROXY: prove some sort of point?

KANAYA: What About Jane

KARKAT: WE AREN’T CALLING JANE!

KANAYA: Why Not

KARKAT: BECAUSE I WOULDN’T BELIEVE A SINGLE WORD THAT COMES OUT OF HER FAT, FASCIST MOUTH!

KANAYA: Thats Stupid Im Calling Her

KANAYA: I Dislike The Woman As Well But I Will Leave No Possibility Unexhausted In Striving To Rescue My Wife From That Madman

DAVE: so uhhh

DAVE: phewww...

DAVE: rose and dirk huh

ROXY: YUP

DAVE: rose and fuckin dirk...

DAVE: damn

DAVE: so are they

DAVE: like

DAVE: man im never gonna hear the end of it if im the one to ask this question am i

DAVE: ive had too many fuckin goofy dumbass foot in mouth family blunders to be the guy asking this fuckin question

DAVE: and yet here i am

DAVE: asking it

ROXY: ????

ROXY: what r u talkin about

DAVE: you know...

DAVE: are they like

DAVE: TOGETHER?

ROXY: what????

DAVE: you know

DAVE: like

KARKAT: WHAT THIS DUMBASS IS ASKING IS IF THEY’RE DOING HUMAN INTERCOURSE ACTIVITIES.

ROXY: oh my god??

DAVE: karkat

DAVE: please

ROXY: omg...

ROXY: karkat theyre related

ROXY: humans dont do that when theyre related to each other ok

KARKAT: DON’T TALK DOWN TO ME. I’M NOT A FUCKING WRIGGLER.

KARKAT: I’M FAMILIAR WITH YOUR CONCEPT OF “HUMAN INCEST.”

ROXY: !!!

DAVE: yeah ok not to be that guy even though im totally being that guy

DAVE: if it never happened we wouldnt have a word for it

ROXY: i rly dont think...

ROXY: i mean

ROXY: they WOULDNT

ROXY: theres no way. it makes no sense

ROXY: for one... dirk is gay

ROXY: and isnt rose gay too???

DAVE: yeah idk if anybody knows what roses deal is exactly

DAVE: of all of us who couldve ended up eloping to have illicit incestuous relations they definitely wouldve been the last two idve put my money on

DAVE: and yet

DAVE: it sure is real fuckin weird what they seem to have gone off and done isnt it

ROXY: uggghhhh

ROXY: dont even say that

ROXY: just thinkin about it makes my skin crawl

KARKAT: YOU GUYS ARE SO FUCKING WEIRD ABOUT THIS.

KARKAT: LIKE, SERIOUSLY? THAT’S THE ISSUE HERE?

KARKAT: THE SHITHEAD WENT AND STOLE KANAYA’S MATESPRIT, APPARENTLY BY MYSTICALLY UNDERHANDED MEANS.

KARKAT: THERE’S PRACTICALLY NO LIMIT TO THE DIMENSIONS WE COULD BE GETTING ANGRY ABOUT THIS ON.

KARKAT: BUT HERE WE ARE INSTEAD, DOING THIS POINTLESS THING YOU PEOPLE ALWAYS DO WHEN IT COMES TO “INCEST.”

DAVE: us people??

KARKAT: I KNOW, I KNOW! I’M A FUCKING XENOPHOBE! LET’S JUST ALL AGREE I’M A BIG SHITTY XENOPHOBE ABOUT THIS, AND MOVE ON.

ROXY: jfc

ROXY: HAY KANAYA HOWS THAT PHONE CALL GOIN

KANAYA: Janes Chief Of Staff Has Put Me On Hold

KANAYA: It Seems My Solicitation Does Not Register As A Priority In This Administration

KANAYA: I Cannot Say I Am Surprised

KARKAT: TELL HER TO REGISTER MY HEAVING BULGE AS A PRIORITY!!!!!

KANAYA: I Will Not Tell Her That

KARKAT: ANYWAY, YOU GUYS ARE ALL SO FUCKED UP ABOUT THIS, THAT’S ALL I’M SAYING.

KARKAT: THIS IS OBJECTIVELY NOT THE WORST THING ABOUT THIS SCENARIO. IT’S NOT EVEN A REMOTELY NOTABLE FACTOR!

KARKAT: WHY ARE WE EVEN TALKING ABOUT THIS? IT’S SO FUCKING PERFORMATIVE.

KARKAT: IS THERE SOMETHING YOU’RE TRYING TO PROVE BY CONSTANTLY COMPETING TO BE THE MOST SCANDALIZED BY YOUR OWN COMPLETELY ARBITRARY SOCIAL CONSTRUCTS???

ROXY: yo dogs i know we get up to some jank barrelbottom as fuck convos sometimes but this one..... I D even K anymore

ROXY: i know yr an alien and all but in these dire straits can we maybe not “riff” on the subject of fuckin incest

ROXY: fwiw the shit really does bug the hell outta me

ROXY: if i can confirm on behalf of my species that yeah the idea kinda sucks according to pretty much literally everybody could we agree to stop talkin about it

KARKAT: SEE, THIS IS WHAT I’M FUCKING TALKING ABOUT!

KARKAT: YOU GREW UP ONE OF TWO HUMANS ON YOUR ENTIRE PLANET. WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU GET ANY FRAME OF REFERENCE FOR THIS SHIT!?!

KARKAT: ADMIT IT. YOU ONLY PRETEND TO BE BOTHERED BY THIS BECAUSE YOUR HUMAN SOCIETY TELLS YOU THAT YOUR PERFORMANCE OF DISGUST IS VIRTUOUS.

ROXY: ummmmmmmmmmmmm

ROXY: lmao

ROXY: dude

ROXY: no

KARKAT: ALSO, EXCUSE ME, BUT CAN I JUST FUCKING ASK...

KARKAT: SINCE WHEN DID YOU START COSPLAYING AS DAVE??

DAVE: dude

KARKAT: WHAT?

ROXY: lol

DAVE: do you even fucking know anything

DAVE: youre a ham brained bonerstooge who doesnt know anything arent you

DAVE: im very sorry roxy that my ham brained bonerstooge of a boyfriend doesnt know fuck all about jack dick

ROXY: its ok hes like

ROXY: fuckin right

ROXY: i get mistaken for u like... well its been happening

ROXY: i shoulda known lmao

ROXY: i really thought all the pink im wearin would help with that

ROXY: idk ill keep messin with it

DAVE: no you look great

DAVE: like super duper duper great

DAVE: just perfect like i could not possibly be more proud of your fashion choices

KARKAT: CHRIST.

KARKAT: DAVE, IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU’RE ABOUT TO KISS YOUR MOTHER JUST TO “PROVE ME WRONG”!

ROXY: !!

DAVE: first of all

DAVE: roxys not my “mother” anymore hes

DAVE: wait

DAVE: roxy did we actually decide on the protocol on what im supposed to call you

DAVE: i literally have no comprehension of the etiquette here

DAVE: because youre technically my bio mom but its not as if i literally came out of your vagina or anything

DAVE: and like

DAVE: well considering whats going down right now im not too attached to the sanctity of dirk being my dad

DAVE: you can formally replace him as my daddy right now if you want

ROXY: ummmmmmmmmm

KARKAT: WOW! THE WOKEMASTER IS ON FUCKING FIRE FOLKS! HE’LL BE HERE ALL NIGHT!!!

DAVE: oh stfu

DAVE: what is your problem why are you acting like this

KARKAT: ACTING LIKE WHAT????

DAVE: like a huge belligerent dickhead

DAVE: are you craving attention is that it

DAVE: did i get you hooked

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

DAVE: i see how it is

DAVE: you got one hot hit of sincerity from your fresh boy dave and now youre itching in your pants every second you go without it

DAVE: you know if you want to hold my hand or some shit you can just do it now

KARKAT: I HAVE NO DESIRE TO DO THAT. AT ALL.

DAVE: come on our relationship doesnt have to be a ludicrous unending performance of emotional constipation anymore

DAVE: we got character developed bitch

DAVE: cmere

KARKAT: ??? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? GET AWAY FROM ME!

DAVE: no

DAVE: christ youre like a flighty little muskrat stop squirming

KARKAT: GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME YOU SMELLY BAG OF SHIT! I HATE YOU!

DAVE: no way no you dont

DAVE: you looooooooove me

DAVE: were gonna be together foorreeevveeerrr

KARKAT: OH MY GOD, SHUT THE FUCK UP!

DAVE: and im gonna profess my undying love to you in the form of a kiiiiiiiiiiiissss

KARKAT: NOOO!!!!

ROXY: awwwwwww

ROXY: u boys cute :)

DAVE: hey can you just forget you saw that thanks

ROXY: hehe

ROXY: thank u

DAVE: for what

ROXY: for doin somethin that turned that steaming dogshit fire of an incest conversation into somethin that just made me feel v v happy

ROXY: if only for a fleetin moment in these dark AF times

KARKAT: DON’T MENTION IT

KANAYA: If Jane Is To Be Trusted Apparently She Didnt Even Know Dirk Was Gone

KANAYA: She Doesnt Know Where He Might Be Headed Either

KANAYA: Or She Wont Tell Us

DAVE: well shit

KARKAT: I’M SO FUCKING SURPRISED.

KARKAT: ALRIGHT, THEN WHAT DO WE DO?

KANAYA: I Dont Know

ROXY: hey does anyone know where the hell john is

DAVE: oh yeah

DAVE: good question

KARKAT: WASN’T HE ON SOME “MISSION”?

KARKAT: WHATEVER HAPPENED WITH THAT

DAVE: that was a rose thing

DAVE: she was cagey as fuck about it

DAVE: and now shes gone so we cant even ask her

DAVE: so uh

DAVE: damn

KARKAT: HE’S NOT ANSWERING HIS PHONE.

ROXY: yea ive tried too

DAVE: oh yeah i forgot

DAVE: john would solve our whole problem wouldnt he

DAVE: just zap us all right into dirks ship with his retcon powers

DAVE: thats how that works right

ROXY: maybe???

ROXY: i think he should be here regardless and catch up with the situation

ROXY: gettin kinda worried about him

KARKAT: YEAH.

ROXY: i ran into terezi the other day and she hadnt seen him either

DAVE: oh shit terezis back?

KARKAT: WHAT??

ROXY: o yeah

ROXY: i didnt mention cause

ROXY: guess i just thought u knew?

ROXY: i assumed she woulda got in touch

DAVE: nope

KARKAT: NOBODY EVER FUCKING TELLS US ANYTHING!

KARKAT: IT SEEMS LIKE KIND OF A GIGANTIC FUCKING DEAL THAT TEREZI CAME BACK TO EARTH???

DAVE: kanaya did you know about this

KANAYA: Yes

KANAYA: I Also Assumed You Knew

ROXY: im givin her a call to see if she knows anything about all this

ROXY: aaaaand shes not pickin up either :\

DAVE: what the fuck is even going on anymore

KARKAT: UM

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS JADE DOING?

DAVE: huh

KARKAT: THAT’S CREEPY RIGHT?

KARKAT: TELL ME I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS THAT’S CREEPY.

ROXY: yeh its a bit spooky

ROXY: thats how it is when she gets like this

KANAYA: What Is She Pointing At

DAVE: oh oh

DAVE: i think i know whats up

DAVE: shes tryin to say theres something important over that way

DAVE: is that right jade

DAVE: can you hear me??

DAVE: jade is it john?

DAVE: johns that way right

DAVE: you want us to go in that direction to find john

DAVE: is that it jade?

DAVE: come on

DAVE: what is it girl tell me

ROXY: omg dave

ROXY: youre treating her like a dog!

DAVE: ok yeah youre right

DAVE: i guess i fuckin suck

DAVE: but she IS a dog ok?

DAVE: a doggy girl whos trying to tell us something

DAVE: just lemme do my thing here

ROXY: .....

DAVE: jade give me a little yelp if johns that way and we should go after him

DAVE: just a little woof

DAVE: if johns in danger yiff twice plz

ROXY: DAVE!

DAVE: shhhhhh!

DAVE: maybe its not john that way maybe its...

DAVE: jade is it...

DAVE: is that where DIRK went?

DAVE: THATS IT

DAVE: thats the way dirk went and she wants us to follow

DAVE: ok wow

DAVE: but what about john

DAVE: is john safe?

DAVE: is john...

DAVE: does he have anything to do with whats going on?

DAVE: what about terezi?

DAVE: is like

DAVE: is john WITH them?

DAVE: jade is john on the ship with dirk and rose??

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK DID THAT MEAN.

DAVE: it means...

DAVE: i think it means im right

DAVE: dont ask me how i know

DAVE: but i think i got the answers out of her we need

DAVE: dirk and rose are on a ship heading that way

DAVE: and for some fucking reason johns along for the ride

DAVE: we need to saddle the fuck up

DAVE: and wherever we go i think were going to need to bring jade along

KARKAT: RIGHT!

KARKAT: KANAYA, GET JAKE ENGLISH ON THE PHONE.

KANAYA: Okay

KANAYA: Why

KARKAT: BECAUSE WE NEED TO BORROW ONE OF HIS SHIPS.

KARKAT: WE’RE GOING TO GET YOUR *FUCKING WIFE* BACK.