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rosenclaws · 13 days ago

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Birds of a Feather || Old Man!Logan x Reader x Worst!Logan

summary: Logan loves you even if he can't say it but he knows that given his old age he's been lacking in the intimacy area. When a strange portal opens up and another Logan tumbles out of it, things get a little messy. (Or Worst Logan cucks Old Man Logan)

warnings: SMUT, MINORS DNI, fem!reader, cucking, fingering, rough sex, cum eating, masturbation, thigh riding, oral (female receiving), overstimulation, mating press, doggy style, dirty talk, kinda mean!worst logan (he taunts old man logan a lot), slight pain kink (Logan), ass play, nipple play, breast play. Also neither logan ever interact with each other beyond talking.

a/n: Soooo Merry Christmas!! Here is my gift to all of you lmao. So to set a few things up, At the start both men are called Logan but a couple paragraphs in is when I separate them into James and Logan. I really hope it doesn't get confusing but I did my best lol. I really hope this lives up to peoples expectations im kinda nervous lol. Anyways happy holidays and I hope u love it!!!

Logan was an old man now. The adamantium was seeping itself into his blood. Killing him. It had been for years but with his healing factor starting to fail him the poisoning was truly taking its effect. He was weaker, tired. His heart was touched by a poison and it was turning him cold. There's only one good thing in his life now and it's you.

You're too kind. He tried to keep you away from his fucked up life but you were relentless. You were an experienced nurse who could take care of Charles. Free of charge. He fought you at every step of the way. Not wanting your pity. But he caved.

Eventually you started taking care of him too. You were just too pretty, too charming. He couldn't stay away. This old man doesn't believe he gets to be happy and you try to change his mind every day. He did his best to take care of you too but the one area he knows he's lacking is the sex life. He tries, he really does. But he's old and while you're the sexiest thing on the planet, sometimes he just can't keep it up or he just can't finish.

It's embarrassing. Humiliating. You wave him off, telling him that it's not a big deal. That he still pleases you in a million other ways. Riding his face, his big fingers, you don't need his cock to know that he can take care of you. But it still bothers him. Still you lived your lives and things were fine. Until something weird happened. Really fucking weird. A large yellow portal opened up in your house. Logan bared his claws and pushed you behind him, ready to fight whatever the hell stepped out of it.

To both of your shock another...him?

Beaten up and bruised but its him. He looked younger but his hair was in these little tuffs and he was wearing a god awful yellow suit. He was kind of cute. Is this what your Logan would have looked like when he was younger? You snap out of your thinking, this is another man. It's Logan but not Logan.

"Fucking shit!" The other Logan yells as the yellow door closes behind him.

"Wade you dumb motherfucker I'm going to rip your head off!" He roars. He turns around, wiping the blood from his face. His eyes go wide when he sees you. He calls your name and steps towards you. Your Logan growls, putting up his claws.

"Back the fuck up bub." The other Logan looks between the two of you and just narrows his eyes. Both their shiny claws come out to threaten the other.

"Logan?" You call softly. Both of the men turn to you.

"Can we just talk?" They look at each other and slowly retract their claws.

After getting both of them to calm down the other guy explains exactly how he got there. He's from another universe, another time. He was pulled from his world into this one by an asshole with a stupid face and red suit. His stupid friend was messing with a little time machine thingy he stole and now he's here. That was his summary of things. You...tried to grasp it. You live in a world with mutants so time travel and universe hopping wasn't exactly strange. But to see another Logan. He also keeps glancing at you.

Every time he does James, you've decided to start calling your Logan by his childhood name to make it easier, James tightens his grip on your hand. The way this other Logan looks at you, they're such sad eyes. He must have had a you in the other universe.

"You can stay with us for a while, until you can get back to your time." You offer sweetly.

"Thank you sweetheart." Logan's hands twitch, like he wants to reach out for you but he doesn't. James reluctantly gets up, pointing to the spare room and keeping his eyes on Logan's every move.

"Don't drink my liquor." James mumbles as he heads to your bedroom.

"He's the anchor being, really?" Logan whispers but you catch him.

"What was that?" Logan freezes and turns to you.

"Nothing sweets," He flashes a smile you know he's lying. This Logan has the same tell as your own.

"Who am I? In your world?" You ask curiously. Logan's face drops and he seems to close up.

"No one, just a friend." He stalks to his room and closes the door behind you. Sighing you wonder what you've got yourself into now.

Living with two wolverines was not easy. Especially for you. They didn't get along and you had to play peacemaker. It was exhausting. Logan was nice enough to you but closed off and James was pissed off and protective. You were worried they'd slit each other's throats.

Plus...it was hard living with two Logan's when they were both ridiculously attractive. You never wanted anyone else but James. But this was just confusing. He was James but he wasn't but he looked like him and fuck he was ripped. James had a body to envy but so did Logan.

You were ashamed to admit you thought about Logan, just a little bit. You never let it go far but your dreams ran wild. They were hot and dirty and you woke up feeling soaked and guilty. You didn't say a word to James or Logan. What good could come of that? But they're perceptive men and you could feel Logan's eyes on you in the mornings. James' too. You couldn't escape them forever.

You should have known something was up the moment you walked through the front door and saw both boys sitting together in the living room. Normally they'd stay far away from each other.

"Hi..." You say suspiciously as you set down the grocery bags.

"Come here." James pats his lap and you walk over. He pulls you down onto his knee and smashes his lips onto yours. You can't help but moan as his hand squeezes your ass.

"James!" You moan as you try to push him away. You look over at Logan who was watching with hungry eyes. Licking his lips as his eyes trail up and down your body.

"We had a talk sweetheart," Logan's voice is deep and primal as he stands up and grabs your chin.

"We both know what you want. The old man over here can't fuck you the way you want to be fucked." James tightens his grip on your waist as Logan flirts up a storm.

"I...James I-" You look at James with a guilty look on your face.

"It's okay honey, I want you to feel good." He says while glaring at Logan. He isn't going to just hand you over, but he knows you crave to be destroyed, ruined and he can't do that for you anymore. So reluctantly, he's going to let his other self fuck you.

"Rule one. You don't get to come inside." James situates you on his thigh. Slowly rocking you on it until you're squirming.

"Rule two. She says stop, you stop." Logan eyes your cleavage with a hungry look.

"And rule three. You don't get to kiss her." He says possessively.

Logan rolls his eyes but agrees to the terms. The three of you head to the bedroom. James sits on a chair facing the bed. He groans as his bones creak. You shoot him a worried look but he waves you off. Unbuttoning his pants and letting his cock free. Logan pulls your focus as he leaves hickeys up your shoulder, sucking on a particular spot on your neck.

"Shit.." You groan. How did he know that was your sweet spot? You don't have much time to think as you hear a claw come out. Logan waits and you nod your head. He cuts through your clothes and they fall to the floor in shreds.

"Fuck." Logan groans as his hands trail up your body. Your bare skin drives him nuts. He closes his eyes as he takes his time exploring. Committing your body to memory, each curve and dip.

"Missed this." He whispers softly for only him to hear.

"Lay down sweetheart." Logan hums and you obey. Crawling onto the bed as Logan sheds his yellow suit. Your eyes trail down his built chest to his already hard cock.

"Damn."

"As big as your boyfriends over there?" Logan says with a smirk.

He kneels onto the bed and grabs your legs, putting them around his waist as he bends down and goes back to biting your neck. Your nails dig into his biceps as you buck your hips. His cock presses against your thigh as he moves down your body. Stopping at your breasts, squeezing and teasing one of your nipples while sucking on the other. You whine when he bites down. Licking over the spot he bit.

"Sorry, I couldn't help myself." He smiles through his apology. He moves down your stomach and rests himself in between your legs.

"Let's see how sweet you taste." You gasp as he buries himself into your cunt. His hands locking you in place, not letting you move against his pleasurable assault.

"Logan!" You moan as you claw at his hair. Raking your hands through it until you find a grip. Pulling on it only eggs him on. His tongue moves against your clit over and over again. He refuses to let up as your moans get louder. You try to move but Logan growls like an animal.

"Don't fucking move." He licks his lips as he raises his head. He looks over to James and smirks.

"I see why you're so protective, wouldn't want to share a girl as sweet as this either." You look over to James who was slowly stroking his cock. It was painful watching another man feast on his cunt but he can see how much you're loving it.

"Play with your tits." James commands as Logan goes back down.

You listen and slowly play with your nipples. Squeezing your breasts and arching your back when Logan sticks his tongue into your cunt. Fuck he knows what he's doing.

"I can't- fuck! I-" Your back arches high as Logan sucks on your clit.

He doesn't let up. One of his hands lets go of your thigh and his thumb presses on your clit. His tongue is now moving to your cunt. You roll your hips as Logan fucks you with his tongue and rubs your clit with his thumb.

It's a deadly combination that leaves you helpless. You come around his tongue hard. He groans as you leak around him. Licking up the sweet taste until he's satisfied. As you start to relax you feel Logan's tongue back on your clit.

"Fuck!" You gasp in surprise as he places himself back on your cunt.

"Too much! Can't take it!" You claw at the sheets but Logan pays no mind.

"You can take it, always have you crying on my face." James says huskily.

He wants a taste, mouth watering at the sinful sounds of your went pussy. Tears threaten to fall as Logan shoves two fingers into your cunt. He fucks you like he knows you, curling his fingers just how you like it. The sounds of your cunt get louder as he roughly fingers you.

"One more come on, fuck give me one more." Logan props himself on his elbow as he pistons his fingers into you.

"No No I can't." You cry. You don't want him to stop but it's so overwhelming. It's too much pleasure.

"Yes you can." Logan cups your cheek and wipes away a stray tear.

"I got you," Your eyes roll to the back of your head as you come again. Your cunt clenching around his fingers as soak his hand. Both of them watch in awe as you make a mess.

"Knew you could take it." Logan takes his fingers out and sucks them clean. He eyes James who hasn't taken his eyes off your cunt.

"Want a taste old man?" You look over with pleading eyes at your boyfriend. You need him too. He winces as he stands up but leans down and gets between your legs.

"Shh baby, just want a taste." James squeezes your thighs softly.

Your cunt twitches as he leans down and takes a fat lick up. You're on edge from your previous orgasms and it's borderline painful. Both men look up at you when you gasp.

"I'm okay, just please be gentle." Your lips form into a small pout and James melts.

"Course baby," He takes a few soft licks and you sigh as Logan strokes his cock.

He takes your hand and wraps it around his cock. Fuck he's big and hard and leaking over your hand. You can't help but notice it's different from your Logan too. But you keep that thought to yourself. James grunts as he gets back to his feet. His beard slick with your juices. He slips two fingers into your cunt and pumps them slowly.

"Did so good, baby." He praises and you smile. You bite your lip and close your eyes as you take in James' thick fingers. They work you like magic, he knows you inside and out.

"Are you gonna take my cock now sweetheart?" Logan purrs in your ear.

"Tell me, what dirty fantasies do you have up there." Your breath catches in your throat as he cups your breasts in his hands.

"Any positions you want to try? Face down ass up is always a favorite of mine, or I can put your legs on my shoulders and press you into the mattress." You moan just picturing each scenario in your head.

"I can hold you against the wall. Bounce you on my cock so you're forced to take every inch of me.

"Even better, we can do all three." Logan lets go of you and nods his head, telling James to go sit down. James takes his fingers out and brings them to your lips, pushing them into your mouth as you suck on them like he trained you to do.

"You okay?" James asks and you nod.

"M'alright baby, are you okay?" You reach up and grab his hand, squeezing it gently. Is he still okay with this? If he's too uncomfortable you'd stop but he just smiles. He leans down and kisses your head, then moves to sit back down.

"You've been talking a lot of shit bub." James says gruffly as Logan nudges his cock at your cunt. You're on your back with Logan pressing your hands into the mattress.

"Don't worry old man, I'll take care of her." He slides in and you moan. He's going too slow, relishing with every inch.

"Faster!" You beg but Logan doesn't listen. Instead he pushes all the way in, balls deep and throbbing just being in your sweet cunt.

"Oh fuck yeah." Logan purrs as he draws his hips back, slamming them back into you.

His pace is slow and hard. He watches your breasts bounce with each thrust, enjoying the way they move because of him. He's still got you pinned down and you want to move, you want to hold onto him as he fucks you but he won't let you. Logan's got stamina and it's clear as he doesn't let up.

"Logan I-" He growls and pulls out much to your dismay. Manhandling you to your knees, grabbing your neck and forcing you to look right at James. You couldn't meet his eyes as Logan sinks back into you.

"Ah ah, don't you want him to see how good you feel?" Logan says in a mocking tone. Smirking as he sees the fire lit in James' eyes.

"It's okay baby." James says as your head falls down to the comforter. Logan's just so big. He's overpowering all of your senses. He just keeps going and going. Logan tilts his head back as he digs his fingers into your hips.

"Such a tight fucking cunt." He presses your face into the bed and grabs a handful of your ass. Pounding his hips into your pussy and loving every little noise he's fucking out of you.

"She likes it when you choke her." James says, his breath ragged as he watches you get fucked. Logan chuckles and puts his hand around your neck.

"Of course she does, such a dirty little whore you got on your hands." His mouth is filthy, the degradation pouring from his mouth with ease.

James mixes his praise with his meanness but Logan is pure filth. The pressure on your throat sends you into fucking orbit. A fat cock pounding your sweet spot and rough hand on your throat is lethally delicious. You could die happy.

"That's it, just let me use you sweetheart. Doesn't that sound fun? Being my little toy? Our little toy?" You look at James who's perked up at the mention of him, your cunt clenching around Logan's cock.

"Oh that got you interested huh?" Logan teases.

"You can be our plaything sweetheart, just nothing but a couple holes for us to use. Big man over here can stick his cock down your throat while I get the back." Logan rubs his hand along your ass, his thumb trailing down until its teasing your asshole.

"He ever been in here before?"

"O-Once." You mewl as he presses his thumb, not breeching you yet but knowing he could if he wanted to.

"Is it as tight as her cunt?" He asks James.

"Even tighter." James spreads his legs, he was getting hot. He sheds his jacket and unbuttons his white button up. Being this old and still ripped was so fucking unfair. His pants were already at his ankles and his cock was stirring just remembering that day.

How you cried and whined as he prepped you with his fingers. How fucking tight you felt when he slid his cock in. You were a mess, babbling and whining and begging to be ruined. James opens his eyes and sees you staring at him. Hunger in your eyes as you take in your handsome boyfriend. You may be getting fucked by another man but you only ever want James.

“Maybe next time." Logan moves his hands back up your body.

He sits back on his knees. His hands come to your breasts and pull you up so your back is against his chest. His cock somehow sits deeper as he bounces his hips up and down, spearing his cock deeper and deeper. One of his arms wraps around your waist while the other plays with your breasts.

"Logan!" You chant over and over. He's grunting in your ear whispering dirty things that only you can hear.

"I know you're loving this sweetheart, you may love the old man but you love my cock more." You whine, words failing you as you try and talk. You start to go limp in Logan's grasp so he tightens his hold.

"Come for me sweetheart, go on." He purrs as he lets go of your breasts to pleasure your clit. Rubbing small circles until you're squirming out of his grip, or trying to.

"It's okay, I got you." Logan whispers as you tilt your head back into his shoulder.

Eyes rolling back as you fully submit to the man. Your legs shake uncontrollably as you come harder than you have in a while. He holds you up as you melt, your vision blurring as you're sent to cloud nine. You were clawing at his arms, digging your nails into him until he bleed which only made things better for Logan as he humps you like a crazed animal. Grunting and groaning.

"Fuck!" He lets go of you to pull out, whimpering at the loss of your wet cunt.

He's rough with his hand as he jerks himself until he comes all over your back. Hot cum spurting from his cock and drenching itself on your skin. Your eyelids are heavy as you collapse into the bed, your body aches with a delicious sort of pain. With all the energy you could muster you glance over at James. He had cum staining his chest, breath ragged. He was worn out just from watching.

"I love you." You say softly, reaching out for him. Your hand doesn't make it very far so he meets you halfway. His pants pulled up and cum still on his stomach.

"Feel good baby?" He pets your head and you nod sleepily. Logan has gone off to take care of himself. Redressing into that god awful suit and coming back with a towel.

"Can I?" He looks over at James who nods. Gently he wipes his cum off your back, cooing when he accidently stimulates your clit again.

"Sorry sweetheart, just gotta get you nice and clean." Logan looks at James before leaning down and kissing your forehead.

James doesn't argue. Once you're cleaned up James tucks you into bed. He sits on the edge as you curl into his lap. Logan comes back with water and a towel for James. You're sound asleep by the time he's back. Logan smiles at you with a fondness that James can only recognize as love.

"You know her." Logan looks up and shrugs. "Heard her say she was just a friend. You were lying." James continues. He knows Logan was lying because they're one in the same. They may not like each other but they knew each other better than anyone ever could, even you.

"Look. You may think your life is fucking miserable but you had your family, you have her. You don't know how lucky you have it." Logan growls.

"Lucky? You think becoming a shell of who we were is lucky?" James feels the anger surging inside of him.

"At least she's alive in your world." Logan hisses. The truth comes out. Why Logan worked you like he already knew you, why he looked at you with such sad eyes. Why he listened to you. James caught all of it from the start but you never did. He looks down at you and you barely stir.

"What happens to us, in the future?" James asks while staring at you. Timelines don't need two of the same man and he knows that. He just needs to hear it. "I don't think I'm supposed to say." Logan mumbles.

"Who fucking cares?" Sighing Logan looks over at you before revealing the truth.

"You die and your world starts to fall apart, that's why I got pulled into it."

James knew that death was coming. He could feel it. He had been slowly dying his whole life. That's not what bothers him. There's only one thing holding him back in being ready for the end. You. He can't leave you alone but it sounds like he does anyway. Failing you once again.

"What about her? Is she okay?"

"Yes.” James nods, he doesn’t ask what happens. He doesn’t want to know. As long as you’re okay then that’s all that matters.

“Take care of her. Please.” James asks, for once letting Logan see his gruff façade break.

It feels like an odd request. Both of them know it, but he wants you to be safe and protected and no one will love you more than him. In any timeline, any universe, he loves you.

“I will.” Logan promises.

The two of them don’t share many words after that. It’s not like they’re suddenly friends now but they’re less hostile towards each other.

Eventually the strange yellow portal appears once again and Logan leaves. The time he spent here feels like a fever dream. Maybe it was? But you notice that James holds you a little tighter for a little longer now. He also rests a little easier. He knows where he’s headed, what’s to come.

But its a little easier knowing that no matter what, you’ll always have him.

#logan howlett #logan howlett x reader #wolverine x reader #old man logan #logan howlett smut #wolverine smut #worst logan howlett

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kaysshifting · 2 months ago

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no one, even the most experienced shifters, will ever have all the answers

so stop looking for all the answers

now, please don’t take this in a negative way, because it’s not at all

i think a lot of people are very left-brained when it comes to shifting, because.. why wouldn’t you be? shifting to another reality is something that we grew up seeing only in fiction (my little pony, narnia, alice in wonderland, peter pan, etc.. seriously, it’s a lot), also meaning that it’s something you think you aren’t able to achieve or have, because we are raised to “suck it up”, “pull yourself up by the bootstraps”, “deal with it” and so on, so it’s understandably hard to believe that you in fact can have everything you want, whenever you want. so, in turn, they feel the need to question everything about it

i’ll use an example i saw a while ago on tiktok i believe, and i don’t remember the creator so please let me know if you know who im talking about. think about shifting as driving a car, so i’ll use myself with this scenario

when i get in my car, i don’t know every mechanism in the car that makes it work. i just know that it works. i know how to drive, and i know how to get to my destination, but im not worried about the actual car itself, because i know it works.

does this make sense?

you don’t need to know every single thing about shifting to shift

i literally cannot repeat this enough. we do things every single day that we don’t know the inner mechanisms of, yet we still do it because we know. it. works.

stop worrying about all the little details and go SHIFT.

trust in yourself. trust in your consciousness. trust in the universe.

#reality shifting #shiftblr #shifters #shifting #shifting antis dni #shifting community #shifting diary #shifting motivation #shifting blog

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yeoslattes · 13 days ago

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Courts and Stands

Genre: smut, college AU

Pairings: band geek!Hongjoong x fem volleyball player!reader

Summary: after a small interaction, you have your eyes set on Hongjoong not knowing he's been after you for a while.

Warnings: smut, no dom/sub themes necessarily but Hj is lowkey kinda subby, more experienced reader, semi experienced Hongjoong, he's in love with her literally, Seonghwa cameo (ofc), slight pervy thoughts from Hj, unprotected sex, blow job, swallowing, cunnilingus, slight overstimulation if u squint (fem receiving), he is surprisingly good at being a munch, pussy drunk Hongjoong bc yes, reader on top, accidental creampie, hongie kinda loses control

A/N: im back with a new fic, lowkey it’s a bit tame but Hj is so cute in it. Decided to drop early because why not!!! Hope you guys enjoy :))) my asks are always open for anything!!

🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍

If you mess this chance up, you kiss bye bye to the championship finals. Your team is on a 3 point run, your teammates are exhausted as are you. Your knees have rubbed raw from the thick material of your knee pads, yet you can barely feel the pain from the adrenaline. Playing the libero position for one of the nation’s top universities was not light work. You knew you were good at it, no need to doubt yourself; you had all the medals and trophies to prove it. Yet somehow, a knot always formed in your throat during important matches like this one.

The crowd goes wild as your teammate serves the ball perfectly over the net. You’re quick on your feet, hovering over the open areas, trying to cover as much ground as you possibly can. You’re on your toes as the opposing team’s hitter floats up in the air to slam the ball down. The ball bounces hard on the floor as your response is a little delayed; immediate point for the other team. You sigh in annoyance but huddle with your teammates, patting each other's backs and yelling encouraging words.

“C’mon guys we got this!”

The process repeats itself; the world moves in slow motion around you as you read the opposing team’s play. You watch as the tall girl soars through the air, her arm bending far behind her to bring down against the poor ball. You fall to your knees, arms extended, setting a strong platform as the ball ricochets perfectly towards your team’s setter. The crowd yells loudly, the fans on the edge of their seats as your outside hitter puts the ball away against the other team. The six of you on the floor cheer loudly. Two more points and this would all be over, but there was no time to relax.

The next two points fly by and suddenly you’re huddled on the gym floor with all your teammates. You guys had done it, you were going to the finals. The cameras surrounded you, all taking different angled pictures all while the famous sports broadcasting network attempted to get an interview with the 6 players in the starting line up.

***

The gym was clearing up except for a few of the camera crew people. Hongjoong sat watching some guys roll up some thick black cables wondering why he hadn’t picked a major that allowed him to be more involved than being on the stands playing a clarinet. He checked his phone expecting a message from Yeosang. When he doesn’t see anything he decides to kill time by scrolling on instagram. The school had already posted celebrating the semi finals win, he saw you in the picture and couldn't help but smile. It was a rather intense action shot of you. Your hands are fists in the air as you celebrate. He taps on the picture and your tag pops up. He’s about to scroll through your feed when he sees someone approaching him from his peripherals. When he looks up he sees Yeosang; he’s still sporting his cheerleading uniform with a backpack slinged over his shoulder.

“Ready?” he asks,

Hongjoong nods, fumbling with his phone which Yeosang catches a glimpse of. The pretty brunette smirks in a teasing manner.

“You’re stalking now?”

Hongjoong shoves him.

“Shut up, ‘m not stalking…just admiring.”

Yeosang giggles at his roommate's words.

“You should-”

“Can we not Yeo?” Hongjoong shuts him down because he knew exactly where he was going with this; they’d had this convo once or twice before. The pretty boy lifts his hands up in defeat, a low chuckle resonating in the empty hallway that led out of the arena.

***

“Alright class. With winter break coming up, it’s important you stay on top of your work.”

Murmurs erupted within the class at the professor’s speech, everyone knew this spiel always led to some type of project. Hongjoong looked around at his peers confused, any project that was thrown his way he’d be more than happy to complete.

“I’m going to have you all write me a four page essay on a song of your choice. I want it to be a song that resonates with you. It’s also only four pages with no specific word count. I'm making this easy for you, the rest of the details will be up on Blackboard. Good luck, class dismissed, have a great winter break.”

The students erupt into motion, scurrying out of the class. Hongjoong drapes his backpack over his shoulder and makes a straight beeline for the library, determined to finish this essay today.

You on the other hand stay behind, you curiously watch the boy with glasses rush out of the lecture room. Your friend watched him and starts laughing,

“Ah Hongjoong, top of the class always. How much you wanna bet he’s headed for the library right now.” Kimmy says, walking slowly beside you as you both make it through the doors.

“Kimmy don’t be mean. He’s committed just like we are towards the team.” At your words your friend sighs,

“I’m not ready for this championship game at all, we have to win this national title to keep the school’s rep going.” An uneasy feeling rushes through you the more you process her words.

“I know,” you sigh.

“but…I can’t think about the next match right now. Imma focus on this essay, it may give me some peace of mind. I’ll catch you at practice later.” Kimmy smiles and gives you a side hug.

“Don’t stress, see you later!” She waves you off as you head towards the library.

When you step through the library oak doors, you immediately spot Hongjoong nose deep in his computer as he typed away. You frown at how easy it must come to him since his major is literally music related. You huff and walk past the table he's sitting at and plop on the table in front of him.

You sit there staring at your computer screen after spending 45 minutes scrolling through your Spotify playlists trying to pick a song. When you lift your eyes, Hongjoong is still typing away, he’s now joined by the silver haired nerd Seonghwa. Seonghwa was part of the robotics club and was also in band like Hongjoong. You often saw him in the stands next to his brunette friend.

He’s focused on the lego set he’s building. Suddenly, the top of his head becomes more interesting, as you notice the way his roots are slowly growing back. Your eyes shift to Hongjoong and you meet his eyes momentarily before he looks down. You cock a brow up at him and shift in your seat leaning forward towards your blank computer screen.

You huff loudly in annoyance and stand up, the mahogany chair scraping loudly despite the carpeted floors. The noise catches both of the nerd’s attention, their eyes now on you. You grab your computer and walk over to their table. Seonghwa’s mouth is slightly agape as he watches you. Hands frozen as he grips onto a lego piece. When you sit down you notice the way Hongjoong gulps.

“Hey!” You smile, you watch them curiously, they both let out a squeaked ‘hello’.

“Sorry if this is random, but Hongjoong we are in the same class and I was wondering if you could lend me some help with this essay.” Hongjoong’s wide eyes remain on you, he finally blinks the shock away.

“Uh yeah.” He clears his throat. “What do you need help with?”

“Well I have my song, The Night We Met by Lord Huron. But I’m struggling on applying it towards my essay.”

He nods attentively leaning back

“Well, tune into the song, and describe how it makes you feel. Explain what kind of memories come up when you listen to it. And relate certain situations that you’ve been in to the song. That's Basically the whole synopsis of the assignment.”

You nod, comprehending his explanation. Suddenly you begin typing away on your computer, the pair stares at you expectantly as you remain on their table and work on your assignment. They give each other a look and Seonghwa makes a face at his friend before focusing back on his legos. Eventually you had reached your 4 pages, barely, but you’d hit the mark. You smile proudly as you save the document.

“Thank you so much Hongjoong!” You say packing up your bag.

“When do you guys have band practice?” You ask, standing by the table.

“Uh, tomorrow actually.” Seonghwa replies, adjusting his glasses.

“Fun! If I am correct, we will be practicing then as well. I’ll see you guys! Here’s my number if you ever need anything, you’ve been a great help. Thanks again Joong.”

The nerdy boy sits slumped and confused at the whole interaction.

“bro…” Seonghwa chimes in, excitedly pulling at his friend’s shoulder.

Hongjoong shrugs just as shocked.

“She called me Joong.” is the only thing he can get out. He’s incredibly smitten by you, the thought of the nickname making him feel all fuzzy on the inside. He smiles leaning back burying his flushed face in his hands.

***

“You're sloppy!” Coach yells at you.

Your gaze is focused on the stands, you search for Hongjoong and you spot him next to a head of silver hair. He sits quietly, clearly spacing out. His friend next to him yaps excitedly about whatever to Mingi who was also part of the robotics club with Seonghwa. Are they all in band? You ask yourself but get brought back to reality by your coach calling your name.

“Focus, We are not winning a national championship with this performance!” She yells

“Yes coach!”

You do your best to center yourself back to the task at hand. You take a deep breath lowering yourself into your receiving position. As soon as the ball is over the net you go for it, but instead of a smooth pass the ball flies off your arms and into the stands. You sigh and roll your eyes in pure frustration.

“Okay no, everyone a lap right now! Grab water and get your asses back here as soon as you're done.” Coach is red in the face at the team’s poor performance, but you’re almost sure you’re the main root of the problem.

“Why are you so distracted today?” Kimmy asks, she squeezes water into her mouth.

You shrug,

“I actually have no idea Kimmy.” You say, looking back towards the stands, but you kind of did.

Kimmy follows your gaze and tongues her cheek and scoffs in a playful manner.

“No way,” she nudges you,

“The top nation team’s libero is interested in a band geek? Which one of the three?” You hush her,

“Stop it, no. Hongjoong just helped me with my essay yesterday, that's all. I wanna properly thank him.” The redhead raises her eyebrows playfully,

“I know of ways you can thank him.” At that you shove her,

“Hey hey, I'm okay with running laps because of your poor performance if it means you finally have someone.”

“Kimmy oh my god. Focus .” You shake your head

“Says you.”

***

Hongjoong watches the volleyball team practice unfold before him. His band instructor has given them directions for whatever song they’d been practicing for the last week and Seonghwa is blabbing to him about something but he can barely focus. His wandering eyes roam over your frame. He swallows thickly at the way your legs and ass look in the short spandex. The warmup shirt with the university colors hugging your frame just right.

“Close your mouth, you’re gonna catch flies.” Seonghwa leans and whispers to him. He might’ve been spacing out this entire time, but that brings him back to reality. He shakes his daze away and looks around, his cheeks tinting pink from slight embarrassment.

“Stop it.” He tells his silver haired friend.

“Yeah, but you’re the one drooling over the volleyball player. I must admit those shorts do her right.”

Hongjoong rolls his eyes,

“Don’t talk about her like that.” He whispers smacking Seonghwa upside the head.

“Gentlemen, let's focus on our instruments please, not side conversations.”

Hongjoong looks down, feeling the gaze of his band peers on him. Taking a deep breath he does his best to follow along. Though his eyes steal glances of you periodically.

***

Practice had kicked your ass. Never had you felt more distracted by anything, much less anyone. You stand under the shower, at this point you were the last one that remained in the locker rooms. The warm water relaxes your muscles and calms down the slight shivering that rattled through you.

You dress in a relaxed outfit, ready to get back to your dorm and sleep. When you walk out of the locker room you are met by Hongjoong. He’s leaning against the wall, looking down at his phone. At your footsteps his head snaps up. His eyes soften when he realizes it’s you,

“Hey hongjoong!” You greet him.

He gives you a small wave.

“Hi, practice looked good.” He compliments.

He suddenly regrets saying that in fear he sounded stupid, in reality he had no idea what was going on during your practice.

“Eh, not my best performance but thank you anyway.”

“Uh, are you waiting for someone?” You ask him, tightening your grip on the pink duffle bag on your shoulder.

“Yes actually, I’m waiting for Yeosang but his practice is running later than usual.”

“Yeosang? The one on the cheer team?” You asked rather surprised.

“Yes that’s him…” awkward silence falls between you two.

“Okay well, I was gonna go back to my dorm and sleep but I’m suddenly craving a sweet treat. Care to join?” You send him a sweet smile, your wide eyes gleaming as you waiting for his answer.

“Uhm…sure why not.” Hongjoong lets out an airy laugh, adjusting his instrument carrier on his back; you both begin the journey to the boba shop.

Hongjoong didn’t have much of an appetite for sweet things but he’d eat an entire bakery if it meant getting to spend time with you. He settles on a matcha milk, he’s about to pull out his card to pay but isn’t able to get his wallet out before you place your card against the reader. The small machine beeps in approval and he watches you grab your receipt from the cashier.

“Why did you do that?” He chuckles, you turn to look at him and he almost falls on his knees.

“Because, you helped me with my essay.”

“But…you did most of the work I just-”

“Jeez, just take the damn drink.” You chuckle,

“It’s okay, this is my way of repaying you.” You stab the thick straw through your drink and take a sip.

Hongjoong’s eyes are big behind his glasses as he focuses on the way your lips wrap around the straw. He wonders what they would look like around…

“This is so good, oh my gosh.” You moan, he swallows thickly and chuckles nervously, finally getting around to trying his drink. He hums at the way the sweetness of the matcha invades his taste buds, trying to play off the way he almost choked on a boba pearl.

Finally you begin your journey to your dorm. You both walked side by side silently, the winter night biting into your cheeks. It’s not long before you’re standing in front of the entrance to the dorm building.

You open your mouth to say something but are interrupted by the loud ping of a phone that is clearly not yours. Hongjoong shimmies his phone out of his pocket, he stares at the screen for a moment before sighing in pure exhaustion and slight annoyance.

“You okay?”

He nods,

“Yeah I’m fine, Yeosang is going over to this girl’s house but he has our dorm key and I lost my copy.” He sticks his phone back in his pocket.

“Oh…well I know it’s not allowed but do you wanna come in? You can kill time here, maybe even take a nap, you know whatever you need.”

Hongjoong’s eyes widened, you? Inviting him? To your dorm? He couldn’t wrap his head around that but he thanked Yeosang in his head. He’s quiet for a minute, a strangled noise emitting from his throat. When he sees the way you cock a brow up at him he composes himself.

“Sure.”

You grab his hand and pull him inside. You look around the corner for the RA and when the coast is clear you tug him into the elevator and up to the last floor. Quickly running to your room, letting out a heavy huff when you’re in safely.

“No roommates?” He asks, setting his backpack down and taking your room in.

“Uh no, no roommates. Got lucky with that one.”

You settle comfortably on the small couch in the corner, curiously watching him as he studies all the pictures stuck to your wall.

Eventually he joins you and just like that you begin talking. The pair of you conversate for what feels like hours. You both exchange your passions for your majors, as well as where you were both from. Slowly but surely you felt closer to him, only then realizing that you truly enjoyed his company. On the inside you’re smiling at how much he had visibly relaxed.

“Why are you talking to me?” He suddenly asks.

“Why not?”

“You don’t think it's weird?” You shake your head at his question.

“Why would it be? Because I have a “popularity” status?” you ask, raising your fingers in quotations.

Hongjoong nods silently.

“No, that means nothing to me. I like you, ever since you helped me with that final essay. Not everyone is so willing. Plus I know you’re an absolute academic weapon and that’s cool.”

His cheeks flush a bright pink and suddenly he’s looking down, trying to shy away from your gaze.

You shift closer to him and he remains frozen in his spot. Hongjoong’s stare lingers on your lips before shooting back up to meet your eyes. Without thinking much of it he leans in very slowly, it was like his body was set on autopilot. With one final look into his eyes you press your lips against his. His glasses are pressed against your face as your lips work against his. He’s tense, but the more worked up you both get the more his body decompresses. Finally he brings a hand to your cheek deepening the kiss. You gain the courage to climb up on his lap, he pulls away, and you look at him with a slight worry on your face.

“I haven’t-” he shakes his head catching his breath,

“Only once or twice but I’m not that-.” You cut his rambling off.

“It's okay, just let me do the work and follow my lead.” He nods, his glassy eyes looking up at you.

You press your lips against his again, your hands encircling around his wrists to lay his hands on your hips. You grind down against him and his breath hitches and you almost smirk into the kiss. He’s hard underneath you and your panties only get stickier by the minute. He groans softly against you as you slowly continue to work your hips on him.

“Gosh please i-i want you so bad.” He says quietly gasping for air. Hongjoong is shuddering and he has to try hard to keep himself from busting underneath you.

You pull your sweater off yourself and hop off onto the floor. You tug on his pants and he raises his hips slightly. Managing to get both waistbands down, his cock springs free. It's warm and stiff in your grasp as you wrap your lips around the tip. Hongjoong leans his head back on the couch, eyes rolling to the back of his head as you continue to inch down the expanse of his dick. You shove him all the way down, his flushed cockhead hitting the back of your throat deliciously. You work what you can’t fit and continue to lather him in your saliva. His hands shyly come up almost as if he wants to rest them on your head. You pull away and look up at him,

“You can push me and do what you need to get there.” You reassure him, voice hoarse from the previous intrusion. He nods and watches in awe as you go back down and swallow him almost whole. Your mouth sucks so hard that he’s seeing stars. Suddenly not shy anymore his hands tangle in your hair and he pushes down, causing you to gag on him. The noise resonates loudly in the room and he groans softly. His eyes are now closed and his head is back once more, his hips slowly move up forcing more of his cock down your throat.

“I’m- i-m…cum.” He groans, his breathing is labored as he chases his high that’s right at his reach. His hips still and his hands keep your head stable in a single spot you can’t do anything besides take his load in your mouth. When you pull away he looks down at you. Hongjoong relishes in the way your eyes are teary and there's spit and cum running down your chin. He suddenly leans down and captures your lips in a final kiss, his remnants all over him now.

“Was that good?” You ask, he nods still trying to catch his breath.

You smile at him and wipe your mouth with the back of your hand.

“Feel free to stay or go, up to you.” You offered, he pondered for a moment.

“I’d stay but Yeosnag should be back already and will wonder where I am. Uh, thank you I- I guess.”

He gathers himself and his belongings and heads for the door. As he's about to exit you pull him into a quick hug.

“See you soon?” Hongjoong blinks, you wanted to see him again?

“of course yes.” He replies quietly.

“Good, don’t get caught by the RA.” You wink closing the door behind him.

***

You’d spent the following week texting Hongjoong, that is until the day before the final championship game. You’d ghosted him completely, Hongjoong had spent the entire day and night ruminating, he had gone over the texts a billion times wondering if he’d done something wrong. He so desperately wanted to tell Seonghwa or Yeosang, but no one knew about you and him and your escapade that one night. He didn’t want rumors to spread so he kept quiet. The final championship match day had arrived. Hongjoong was in his dorm squeezing into the white pants that were part of the new uniforms. He tried on the silly little hat that went with it and he didn’t completely hate it. He grabbed one of his expensive colognes that he only sprayed if the occasion called for it and tonight he’d be seeing you, at least that’s what he hoped. Ignoring how mildly silly he felt in his marching band uniform he headed out the door.

By the time he and the rest of the band members had made it to the packed arena you were already on the floor warming up. He smiled at you when you spotted him but frowned when you didn’t return the smile back. His stomach was in knots and he wasn’t sure how he’d make it through the possibly 3 hour long match when it mostly revolved around you. You on the other hand, the star libero of the university's volleyball team were shitting bricks. You’d completely stopped replying to Hongjoong and you felt bad but there was nothing else on your mind than this match right now. The nerdy boy sent you a smile when he walked into the arena in his pretty little uniform that fitted him nicely but you failed to return in. You couldn’t wait to win this thing and go after him to say how sorry you were.

“Are you okay? You’ve been looking pale since we got on the bus?” Seonghwa asked Hongjoong who kept his gaze straight ahead.

“Yeah I’m fine.” But his long haired friend wasn’t buying it.

He had never seen Hongjoong like this before, his face was stoic. Lips in a permanent frown, no emotion behind his eyes. Still, Seonghwa didn’t push him any further. The match was starting and Hongjoong stood up to play his part in the school’s fight song. The entire time his eyes remained on you. As the game proceeded he watched the way you’d dig the balls and the way you’d throw yourself aimlessly just to keep that ball in play. He was in awe, as always you never failed to impress him. But he felt slightly resentful and sentimental, was he just a game to you?

There was only a point difference between both teams and right now your team was behind. You gulped, hands sweaty as you prepared for the opposing team to serve. As the ball makes it over the net you pass it perfectly to your setter who sends it towards the outside hitter. You wait, feeling antsy hoping that the attack was enough to score a point but the opposing team keeps it in play.

It all happens so fast, the opposing team spikes the ball over the net which is received by one of your teammates except it was such a forceful hit the ball has gone haywire. You chase it down running towards the stands were Hongjoong sits, you ram into the people on the sideline chairs but successfully manage to send the ball back to your teammates. Hongjoong watches as you wince slightly and run back to the court. The point ended up being yours and now both teams were tied.

You grimace at the stinging pain on your rib, but there was no time to dwell on it. Somehow someway your school manages to stay afloat and now you’re 1 point away from calling that trophy yours. Your team's outside hitter swings hard sending the ball over and it slams on the floor, you’d done it; the championship was yours. You teammates run and pile up, tears flowing down everyone's faces. You hug kimmy and she squeezes you back,

“Top libero, thanks to you we are here.” She sobs, you squeeze her tightly and let go moving on to your other teammates.

***

The team had decided to go out right after the match to celebrate but with your bruised rib and how exhausted you were you decided to head back to your dorm instead for some rest. Walking out of the locker room with all your stuff, Hongjoong is standing right outside the entrance. You’re slightly puzzled at his presence,

“Hongjoong��hey.” You greet him sheepishly.

He sends you a tight smile,

“Hey, congrats on the win.”

You nod and smile at him. You can’t help but rake your eyes down his figure. He looked amazing in white and the gold accents of his uniform contrasted with his skin tone perfectly. His pants are slightly fitted and they accentuate the fullness of his legs just right.

“Thank you, I'm glad you were there to witness it.” Awkward silence fills the air.

It was clear he was waiting for some sort of explanation, so you swallow your pride and decide to apologize.

“Listen sorry I stopped replying so abruptly. It was nothing you did but this match was really weighing on me that I kind of tuned out everything to prepare for it.”

You gesticulate with your hands nervously hoping he wouldn’t think that you didn’t want him anymore.

“No worries, I get it.” Hongjoong says nothing more.

“W-would you wanna come back to my dorm with me? We can order food in?”

You cross your fingers behind your back hoping that he’d say yes. His face lights up slightly and he nods. You both walked side by side towards the campus housing. The cold winter night is unapologetic, the heavy wind making it hard for you to move forward from the force.

“How come you're not out celebrating with the rest of the team?” Hongjoong asks, shivering just like you.

“I’m tired and my body is beat. But maybe tomorrow, it’s only friday.”

He nods understandingly, silence falls between you two again, only the loud whipping of the cold December air being heard. You decide to jog the last bit of distance until you’re both safely inside the building.

“Wait.” he pulls you back,

“No RAs?” His eyes are wide in fear.

“No, just one but she's here only during the day. Almost everyone is gone for break.”

Hongjoong lets you pull him along up to your dorm.

“Feel free to do what you need to do to get comfy, imma order pizza!”

He drops his bag and searches for a loose fitted shirt to change into. He groans slightly as he wiggles out of the uncomfortable jacket, that weight a little too much with all the embellishments on it.

“Pizza should be here in 15. I’ll shower quickly. Please make yourself comfortable.”

***

One movie and almost an entire pizza later you were ready to lay down. You get up and hop on your twin bed. You watch as Hongjoong stays on the couch, awkwardly fiddling with his hands.

“Joongie…come here.” you whine motioning him over with your hand.

He gets up and shyly walks over to you, he gets on the bed and lays on his side next to you. Now you’re both face to face. Bringing a hand up you caress his face gently, admiring how smooth and impeccable his skin looked. Your hand moves up to pull his glasses off and when you do you press your lips against his. It escalates quickly, with his own frustrations going on and your need to blow some steam off after an intense match you both needed this. He maneuvers you on top of him, his hands cowardly resting against you.

“Touch me joong.” you murmur against him.

His hands roam more freely, you can feel him straining against his pants and when you pull away to begin unbuttoning the tight white pants off him he stops you. You pull your hands back in shock.

“I just want to try it on you.”

Just by his shy words you knew what he meant, but you wanted to hear him say it.

“What do you want, baby?” His face is red from embarrassment, and his hands shake slightly.

“I want to…” Hongjoong feels like the words have all clumped in his throat and somehow he cannot get them out.

You let out an airy laugh and lean down to give him a sloppy kiss.

So you nod smiling at him, you lay down on your back and he slots himself between your legs. His hands roam from your clothed breasts down to the hem of your sleeping shorts. Wasting no time he tugs them down, now you lay there exposed in front of him. Hongjoong leans down, his breath brushing against your heat. He suddenly leans in, taking your clit into his mouth sucking slightly, your back arches off the bed and he wraps his arms around your legs to keep you open for him. His tongue runs up and down your slit as he tests the waters, he eyes your reactions carefully taking note of what makes you writhe under him. He moves his mouth onto your clit focusing on the sensitive bud, his eyes are closed and he completely loses himself on you.

“F-fuck joongie.” You wiggle under him, head lifting to look down at him. And what a sight he is, his eyes are closed as he completely devours you open with his tongue. You were barreling towards you high at a fast speed. You clutched onto what you could and even then it didn't feel like enough. Your hips buck up and he tightens his grip to keep you glued against the mattress.

The feeling of his wet tongue, and his arms around you send you into your first orgasm. His tongue massages you helping you ride out your high, but he’s too far gone to even bother stopping. He presses his face harder into you, his nose bumping your clit occasionally. When he looks up at you his eyes are droopy and glazed. He flattens his tongue against you and lets you grind yourself into him.

“So good j-joong,” your breathing picks up, the sensitivity sending you into overdrive.

“Im-imma c-cum oh god.” your eyes roll to the back of your head as the pleasure waves roll up and down your lower half. Your legs quake in his hold and at your state he can’t help grin internally. With a finishing kiss to the inside of your thigh he pulls away. Hongjoong sits back on his legs and you stare at him still in a daze from your orgasms.

“I didn’t know you were that good.” you mutter still catching your breath.

He shrugs looking down shyly.

“Come here.” you instruct

He leans over you and you press your lips against his, this time it's his turn to lay on the bed. You pull your shirt off and he oggles your tits and the way they perfectly sit.

“Take this off please.” you whine pulling at his shirt, he sits up in the small cramped bed and pulls off his shirt exposing his torso. You next move to his pants,

“I'd blow you but I just need you now.”

He doesn’t say anything and instead helps you pull his bottoms off. You quickly straddle him and guide him in,

“Wait n-no condom?”

He stops you,

“Pull out.” you simply say and sink down on him.

Hongjoong swears he sees heaven. He gasps, his eyes closing tightly when you bottom out on him. You pick your hips up and sink back down on him creating a nice even pace.

“So good joongie.” your voice is high pitched, and he swears it almost sends him over the edge. Your hips pick up pace moving fast up and down, only pants and skin slapping fills the room. His hands are tight on your hips as he pulls you down against him wrapping his forearms around your waist. You slow down switching to grinding your hips into him instead. As you sit back up you lean your weight on one of his thighs and you continue to move up and down on him the best you can while your other hand rubs your clit fast.

“Joongie…” at his name he pulls you back down against him. His pelvis grinding perfectly into your clit and he takes a nipple into his mouth sucking gently. The pleasure propels you into your final high of the night and you stutter against him, your walls clamping down on him as he feels them pulsing around his cock. Your face is buried in the crook of his neck and you pant heavily against him. As you come down and your muscles relax your hips begin moving again.

“Make me cum p-please.” Hongjoong pleads, his face contorted in frustration from holding off from his release. Your hips move fast against him again, your ass bouncing up and down on him. You hear his moans get more persistent and high,

“Oh hmphf s-shit.” He moans his hands now clawing against your waist. Hongjoong completely loses himself, his grip tightening harder on you as he pulls you down hard against him, his tip kissing your cervix deliciously. You try to pick yourself up and off him so he can finish but when you look at him, his eyes are pressed shut and his arms are firmly locked around you.

“J-joong…” you try to warn him.

“I-imma cum oh fuck.” With a final stutter of his hips his grip tightens on you once more pulling you flush against him as heavy ropes of cum decorate your insides. You lay there against him panting in a haze. When you pull back his eyes are still closed as he tries to catch his breath.

Your movement on top of him makes him crack open an eye, you lift yourself off him and his eyes widen when he realizes.

“I -i didn’t mean to-”

You hush him “it’s ok, it's ok shhh.”

Your hands caress his panicked face gently. Your lips meet his in a kiss before you lay back down.

“Why did you do this with me?” He suddenly asks,

“Don’t ask me that right after we just did this but if I must answer, I already told you I liked you. I wasn’t lying…”

“Oh, I thought you weren’t being serious.” You giggle and lift your head to look at him again.

“Shut up please.” You lazily mumble, head resting on his chest as his fingers fiddle with your hair.

“I guess you’ll have your own personal cheerleader for the next volleyball season.”

#ateez smut #hongjoong smut #seonghwa smut #mingi smut #jongho smut #san smut #wooyoung smut #yeosang smut #yunho smut #smut #kpop smut

114 notes · View notes

inkskinned · 2 years ago

Note

im having a particularly terrible night with urges and imagery that i dont know how to handle. i gave in to some things. held back on some others. but im barely holding on, dear internet stranger.

you do not owe me your time or your words.. but if you could write some hope into existence for me.. i would be unendingly grateful to you.

please. tell me how you do it. tell me how you survive. because im not so sure i can get through the fifteen days it'll take to get to my seventeenth birthday.

could you please give me something to place my faith in? i dont think the universe is watching out for me anymore.

i don't usually answer these, because i am not a professional, and you deserve professional help. when i was 17 i was terrified of the idea of professional help, because my household was extremely unsafe, and made it clear that if i ever chose to get help, i would be punished for it.

i hope this is not your case. i hope that you can call someone, and they can take you where you should go.

but i will give you the advice that i wish i got, when i couldn't get help at 17, when i was so bad that years later, i literally don't-know-how-i-survived it: what you want is peace, not death. your brain is sick. it has romanticized an ending where there are no consequences. where effort isn't necessary. where you can just... forget.

you want peace. that is a normal, human thing to want. maybe it feels more like you want quiet. or just... to take a break for a second.

here is what i will say: to end yourself means you never get to experience what it's like to actually be happy. i thought i knew what it was like, and i was bitter about it. i'd say - i've been happy, it's not worth it, because i didn't know what i was missing. i thought that happiness meant having a partner or having a job or money or a college degree. it sounded like effort. it sounded like something that had to happen to me.

for the first time in my life, just this week, i was able to go to a concert and just-enjoy-it. no liquor, no drugs. just stomping my feet and getting caught up in it. i didn't feel nervous or self-conscious or overwhelmed. i just had a good time. these days have a lot of these firsts for me - it is the first time i can eat cake without crying. it is the first time i can be around an exacto blade without supervision. it is the first time i have too many people to call when i am crying.

i can't tell you where you'll run into happiness, only that, for me, it started once i was out of that fucking house. it started once i figured out where the pain was coming from. once i figured out that i was not possessed, something medical was wrong with me. that i am not stupid or lazy, i have depression and adhd. the first few years were difficult. at 19, during my efforts to recover, i actually got worse by a considerable margin. and then, with time and patience - i got better.

happiness doesn't feel like what you think it will. in movies it's so golden and all-encompassing. but it doesn't fly into your hands when you buy your first car nor does it arrive in the arms of a partner nor does it require passing your classes. happiness came to me on a tuesday in the form of a red-winged blackbird, and i looked at her, and she looked at me, and i said - oh. the whole world suddenly filled itself in with color. like i had been forever-asleep. like every corner of every room was suddenly glistening.

it ended quickly, back then. it just stopped in to check in on me. but it was enough - this thing i had never experienced, but that i knew (logically) could happen. before that, i was only staying because it would make my mom sad if i died. that was my only reason. and then the happiness came, so strange and brilliant and lovely that for years i couldn't even look at it directly.

these days, things are so different. life is so much easier. i don't wish for death because so much of what i have is already at peace. my boss understands when i need a mental health day. people in general are less prone to high school drama. entire communities hold my hand and have my number. i have a car and a dog and a little apartment garden and candles on all available surfaces and today i bought myself a little cake just-to-celebrate-nothing. my body is my own and we are both dancing.

there are so many things i've gotten to taste in the last 10 years. i know, for you, that is an eon, because it's more than half of your life. but if it helps? in the 5 years between 17-21: i filled myself with laughter and love. i got to be a lead in a ballet and got my first tattoo and then my second and pierced my ears the way i'd wanted to (one of them professionally the other over a hot stove with a potato) and i discovered hozier is my favorite singer (i know. he was new back then) and i got my first real job and my first real paycheck and i hadn't ever been seen as smart but then i started to actually treat my adhd as a condition rather than a burden and people started saying you're like the smartest person in the room and my best friend met her husband who i will one day stand next to as maid of honor when he is her groom and i got to help people and make a stupid blog called "inkskinned" and find out that writing is actually my passion and that maybe i'm actually kind of good at it if i just practice and i got to meet my parents' dog (his name is kaiju) and i slept on couches and kissed people and tried new things and learned how to breathe without feeling my chest tighten and that peace is here, on this planet, that peace echoes everywhere, it is in my hair and my homework and my houseplants, it is quiet and divine and mine because i fought for it and i built it and yes i lost hair over it but holy shit the whole world feels like it is shifted through a sunbeam

recently someone asked me if i could go back in time to 6th grade, with all the knowledge i have now, would i? and without thinking, i barked absolutely not. i know i should say it's because i wouldn't want to risk losing any of this stuff - but really it's because i would never survive being a teenager again. it sounds incredibly lame and impossible, fake - but being a teenager was the hardest thing i ever did. i had no voice, no control, only fear and hatred.

but i did survive it. nothing about me is special. nothing about me is stronger than you or better prepared or more efficient. i didn't survive it perfectly. i made a lot of mistakes and lost a lot of friends and harmed myself in ways that i'm still recovering from. but i did survive it. and there is a part of me looking at you in the past and saying - i'm you in the future.

and holy shit. every day. every goddamn day i'm glad we survived to see the rest of it. because you hit 18 and everything changes. like, everything. and holy shit, it is infinitely worth it.

#i hope you are okay #i wish i could help more #i hope the pain eases soon #and i hope that you stay #ps . to those of you reading this thinking i should help you too: please just dm me #it makes me really #really really scared when it's anonymous #bc i cant check in with u #i am not a professional and i am not actually good at helping ppl through their troubles #this is an exception bc they are 16 #not the rule #ps if u misunderstand ''being a teenager is the hardest thing i ever did'' when i mention briefly that i was in unsafe housing...#trust me. it was worse there. by like A HUGE margin #every person raised in unsafe housing nodding their head like . oh yeah worse stuff TECHNICALLY happened after but leaving that home was #legit the hardest thing i ever did

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amhrosina · 2 years ago

Text

It's Always Been You

Summary: You and Miguel are forced to confront your feelings for one another after a dangerous mission goes awry.

Pairing: Miguel O'Hara (Spider-Man 2099) x fem!Reader

Word Count: 1.9k

masterlist // join my taglist // follow me on instagram & ao3

a/n: i cannot stop thinking about this man ohmygod anyways im overwhelmed by the love being shown for my other miguel fic and cant wait to add more to this community!!! thank you!!! (should i do a part two with smut? like friends to lovers first time?? lemme know <;3)

warnings: friends to lovers, arguing, some angst, love confessions!!!!!, reader calls miguel a name, idiots in love tbh, references to a dangerous situation (but no details i kept it super vague lol), starts to get a little suggestive at the end but is like 99% fluff

Miguel was ignoring you. Not in the usual, self-brooding, grumpy way he sometimes did when he was having a bad day, but in the way that told you he was furious with you. Anger had been radiating off of him in waves since your chaotic return to Nueva York a few hours earlier, and you, along with every other Spider-person at headquarters, was avoiding his workspace like the plague. It wasn’t like you hadn’t tried to console him, but you knew, probably better than anyone, that when Miguel wanted to brood, he would. You would try again later, and eventually you’d make him laugh, and the world would right itself again. It always did.

Spider-Woman huffed, plopping into the seat next to yours in the cafeteria, slamming her tray down hard enough to knock your tablet on its side. Clearly, she was upset about something.

“Is everyone pissed off today?” You asked indignantly.

She glared at you, shoving a bite of sandwich in her mouth before answering.

“Miguel’s being pissy.” She glared at you. “And it’s your fault.”

“I can’t imagine why. We got the guy, didn’t we?”

“We both know what you did was reckless.” Her glare intensified, and your annoyance shifted to guilt. It was a reckless move, but it worked.

“He was being torn to shreds. I did what any of us would’ve done. If he has a problem, he can come talk to me about it instead of hiding from all of us like a teenager.”

Her gaze softened. “He has a lot on his plate.”

“So?” You combatted, annoyed all over again.

“So, I think maybe what happened today scared him, and he doesn’t know how to process his feelings about it.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” You shrugged, refusing to meet her gaze.

“You’re his best friend, and he almost lost you today. Go talk to him.” She suggested, patting your shoulder. “I think it’ll do everyone some good. And I do mean everyone. He’s scary when he’s mad.”

You shrugged her off, finishing your dinner in silence. If Miguel was so pissed, why couldn’t he come talk to you about it? Why, after years of knowing each other, were you still the one approaching him with an apology? Why couldn’t he just say what he meant for once?

But of course, after you finished your dinner and realized, hopelessly, that the only person you wanted to see was, in fact, Miguel, you huffed and began the trek to his office, where you knew he’d still be brooding.

The tension in the building had lessened after many of the spider-people had returned to their own universes, glad to get away from the uncomfortable elephant in the room, but that didn’t stop your stomach from clenching when you rounded the corner into Miguel’s dim, untidy workspace.

He was hunched over his desk, scribbling something down on a piece of paper. From your position, you had a clear view of the damage that had been done to his back earlier that day. You winced, thinking back to the few seconds of absolute terror you’d experienced when you’d seen the anomaly tearing into Miguel’s skin. The claw marks had already healed a little, now just raw, nasty looking scratches down the curve of his spine.

He turned at the sound of your footsteps, though he had likely heard you coming since you stepped foot out of the cafeteria. Anger flickered in his cold gaze, but he was still here, decidedly not hiding from you, which was a good sign. You stepped into the workspace, setting the extra food you’d bought for him down before fully turning to face him.

“Hey.” You murmured. “Brought you some dinner.”

His gaze flicked from your awkward stance to the box of food on the table. “Thanks.”

Short. Blunt. To the point. You sighed.

“You’re still mad, then?” You asked, crossing your arms.

“Are you saying I shouldn’t be mad at the stunt you pulled today?” He glared, standing to his full height and towering over you.

“I’m saying you shouldn’t be mad at me for saving your life, asshole.” You looked up at him, refusing to back down.

“I had it under control. It was my anomaly to handle.” His nostrils flared with anger.

You threw your hands up indignantly. “It was our anomaly to handle, and I handled it just fine! In case you don’t remember, I was good enough at handling myself to be recruited by you for this stupid team!”

“What you did was incredibly stupid. The anomaly could have killed you. Don’t you get that?”

“The anomaly was killing you. I did what I thought was best-”

“Exactly. You did what you thought was best and didn’t think once about the team. You risked an entire universe to show off!” He cut you off, slamming his hands on the desk on either side of you, effectively cornering you.

Your voices had risen considerably since your initial arrival, and you were now inches apart, screaming at each other.

“To show off?” You pushed at his enormous chest, vision blurred with a mixture of tears and anger. “I risked an entire universe to protect you, you asshole! Everything I do is to protect you.”

He grabbed your wrists, easily stopping your arms from pushing him again.

“You could have died.” He grunted, squeezing your wrists.

“Why do you even care, Miguel? The anomaly was taken care of, just like it always is. We’ll go take care of another one tomorrow, just like we always do.”

“Because I love you, obviously!” He yelled, releasing his grip on you and taking a full step backwards. Stunned into silence, neither of you said anything for a full ten seconds. He began pacing in front of you, hands on his hips, breathing heavily as the magnitude of what he’d just revealed fully hit him. He paused when he heard you sniffle, and began speaking.

“I love you. Can’t you see that?” He asked, stepping close to you. Tears welled in your eyes, and you couldn’t bear to look up at him for fear that it might be a dream, or worse, a cruel trick of his. “I care because I love you, and I almost lost you. I-” he swallowed thickly, “I almost lost it when I realized what you were doing. And when we couldn’t find you after? That was the worst thirty seconds of my life.” He shook his head, clearing the thoughts from his mind. “I can’t lose you. Do you understand that? You’re mine. I can’t lose you, baby.”

You finally lifted your chin, meeting his gaze. He tentatively cradled your cheeks, wiping away the stray tears that had snuck down your face during his speech.

“I love you, too.” You murmured, nuzzling into his palm. “But you can’t expect me to just watch while you’re being torn to shreds. I had to do something.”

He nodded, though it clearly pained him to agree with you about it. “I know. And I know you can handle yourself. I’m sorry for getting so angry, but you have to understand that your safety is the most important thing to me when we go chasing after anomalies. And I know that it should be saving the universes that we’re in, but it’s not. It’s you, and it’s always been you. Don’t ask me to change that. It will always be you.”

You blinked up at him in stunned silence, nodding. You couldn’t remember when your feelings for Miguel had shifted to something beyond friendly, but you’d never before allowed yourself the fantasy of him loving you in return. It was something you’d come to terms with months ago, accepting that you’d never get to hold him the way he deserved to be held. But now he was standing with you, holding you, begging you to understand that all of his anger has been out of pure, unselfish love for you.

“I won’t ask you to change that.” You conceded, a small grin forming on your face, “As long as you promise to at least try to stay out of harm’s way.”

“I promise, but you know harm seems to seek me out no matter what.” His grin mirrored the one on your face. He shifted his head down, stopping only centimeters away from your lips. “If I asked you to kiss me right now, would you?”

“That depends.” You breathed, heart thundering in your chest. “Are you going to be this dramatic every time I save your ass, O’Hara?”

He chuckled, cradling your head in his massive hands. “Maybe. Yes. Definitely.”

You shrugged, nodding. “Okay.”

“Okay?” He asked, eyes flicking between your gaze and your lips.

“Okay.” You bobbed your head once and then leaned in.

He captured your lips in an earth-shattering kiss, exploring every inch of what you offered to him eagerly. His hands roamed the length of your body, pulling you fully against his heated skin. You melted into him, pliable to his every whim and desire, going exactly where he wanted you to go, doing exactly what he wanted you to do. Heat coiled in your entire body, poised to erupt at the slightest touch he offered. You reached forward, tugging at the material around his waist. If he wasn’t inside of you soon, you thought you might explode. His hands wandered below your waistband, too, eager to please.

A loud clunking sound from around the corner had you springing apart, panting, overheated, and completely high off one another’s touch. It wasn’t that you were embarrassed to be seen kissing Miguel. In fact, you were planning on kissing him at every moment possible, if he’d let you. It was the fact that you’d very nearly allowed him to strip you naked and have his way with you in his very public office. He seemed to be thinking the same thing, coming to his senses and adjusting the uncomfortable looking bulge in his pants as the sound of footsteps grew nearer.

“Miguel, you’re going to be in an even worse mood if you don’t just go talk to her. I mean, really, you’re both acting like idiots and clearly love each oth- oh!”

Spider-Woman came into view, waving her hands frantically and then doing her very best to hide the smile growing on her face. You shifted your feet awkwardly, trying your best to look like you hadn’t had Miguel’s tongue shoved down your throat ten seconds earlier. Miguel, as stoic and unperturbed as ever, had simply bent down and returned to scribbling on the paper from earlier, which made you involuntarily scowl. He always looked so cool. It was annoying.

“Am I…interrupting something?” Spider-Woman asked, smirking. Clearly, you weren’t doing a great job hiding anything from her.

“What was that you were saying when you came in? Something about my mood?” Miguel asked, lifting his gaze to hers.

“Oh, nothing!” She grinned, turning on her heels and leaving the room as fast as she had entered it.

Miguel looked at you, suddenly shy now that you were alone together again. “Wanna bet how long it’ll be before she spills the beans to someone about us?”

You barked a laugh. “I’ll give you my entire paycheck if she hasn’t announced it to someone already.”

Tag List:

@foxglove-grove @lavnderluv @khaleesihavilliard @alexxavicry @hallecarey1 @km-ffluv @chiaraxtargaryen @trulylavandedarling @D0wnbad @deliciousfestsalad @lilyevans1 @imagineadream @22carolina08 @definitelynotsugar @casualchaoticdevil @peachy-flxwr @nashja @xshewayout @blep--bloop @kpopgirlbtssvt @aynsleywalker @queenofthenoobs @ostricx @horrorflix @anthonymackiehasmyheart

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lains-reality · 1 year ago

Note

hi :) i hope you’re having a wonderful day

you’re literally the only blogger i trust when it comes to non-duality, and your advice has been the one i’ve been most easily able to apply/understand. I hope this doesn’t come off as a vent, but it probably will just because this question is so complicated and problem riddled, and tbh idek if you’re actually going to respond, but yea. it’s like star wars you’re my obi wan kenobi! my last hope lol

basically i’ve put my life on hold and procrastinated everything i’ve needed to do. (TW: death?? health problems/sa?) I went through a really bad year, last year. the human character i identify with (non-dualistic terms, bc ik this character isn’t me?) was sa’d in the beginning of the year. really traumatic. i dropped out of school, i couldn’t go out of the house because i feared for my life. i became super paranoid. i reported it and filed charges, but the justice system is fucked so.

anyways, after because the amount of stress i was experiencing, i became very ill. my biological father wished death on me, and i believed it at the time, because my sibling wished for me to get raped, and then it happened. i can see now, how my belief may or may not have been the cause of what happened. i then got cancer. the doctors couldn’t figure it out for months, and even ridiculed me- saying how i relied on google.

i finally went to a specialist who was immediately concerned, and then confirmed my suspicions. i was sort of friends with a blogger on here who got into the void and manifested their dream life. they went into the void for me and affirmed that i no longer had cancer, and that i could tap/wake up in the void. the next day, the huge lump/tumor on my neck was gone. all of my ailments- trouble breathing, patchy and rough skin ceased. i literally told my mother what happened which made her start believing in the power of “manifestation”.

because of the paranoia, and then cancer- i didn’t go to school my last 2 years of school. i switched to online, but never felt the need to complete my classes because i knew i would get into the void. i’ve gotten into the void, both by waking up/tapping into it but i haven’t been able to change my awareness, or “manifest” bc i was just mumbo jumbing words or poetry. i didn’t apply to university, because i thought i’d enter the void before then and revise my school grades + make it so i got into the university of my choice.

now, i have a week left before i have to finish my classes- which i have 7 of them, and so many assignments. i have to move out in the middle of august because i lied to my parents and said i got into university, because i thought i would’ve already changed things with the void by now. my life was fucked, then i fucked my life. after discovering non-duality i gained hope that i would be able to turn things around by now, yet i haven’t. i don’t know what i’m doing wrong, because i was able to show myself the truth of reality (as lester levinson said).

i am really stressing because now everything is falling down on itself. i try to forget my problems, and don’t give them life by letting go, yet it’s so hard when teachers are bombarding me with messages how i have to finish the classes, or how i have to move out soon. i know this is probably ego driven, but i feel as if i can’t see a way through because of how attached i am to this. my health has also been abnormal, which makes me fear that the cancer has returned. what should i do?? im kinda freaking out.

anyways, i am so sorry if this came across trauma dumping/venting. i am just at a point where i do not even know where to begin to conceptualize this into understanding. this took a lot of courage to type, as im a bit afraid still- that people who hurt me from last year will see this (even though i know they won’t, but still). i totally understand if you wish not to post this or answer it, as it is very long and limiting. thank you though! i hope you have a wonderful week:)

this was quite difficult to answer as i've never been through so much turmoil all at once. i hope this answer helps and you'll continue taking care of yourself! (i'm sorry i linked way too much lol just don't read it all at once!)

firstly i want you to rest.

you've been through a lot and you've also been putting off a lot to get into the void. stopping life for manifestation is common it seems, its not healthy either. so much pressure is coming from time. you put all your expectations on a method, and i'm gonna guess that you also put so much onto your mind to get you into the void.

practically: your biological father sounds abusive and so does your sibling, i would be more careful around him. idk if your not around him anymore, it sounds like it? but you need to plan accordingly for your lie. are you gonna tell your parents or ?

theres a massive chance you'll just go crazy trying to figure out all these moving parts, so i suggest do what you can and leave the rest. do the minimum to keep you safe, then figure out the rest as it comes. do whatever you need to do, just remember to not take on too much at once.

ask for breaks on work at school for medical reasons, maybe think about jobs, etc. you see how much more could come into the picture? but this is all the body-mind can do. its easy to treat it as god, but its not god.

"but i feel as if i can’t see a way through"

You fail to do the works of God, because you take the body to be God. - Ada B. [4dbarbie]

take a look at these meditations:

butter meditation

peace meditation

surrender meditation

un-identification exercise

crying meditation

i'd like you pick one of these exercises:

feel all the shit. feel bad. just do it. let all the bad feelings out. put on sad music and fucking cry. cry it all out.

let yourself rest, with no problems. if a thought or feeling comes in just let it, because its not a problem remember? :) just put on some calming music or visualise a calming place. and let yourself have some time with nothing. no conditions. no perfection. no obligations. no 'have to' 'should' 'must'. let that go for this time

feel as if you've died. feel as if you've been completely forgiven, feel as if there was a powerful white light that washed you away of all the crap. really feel as if the divine came down, hugged you and said 'i love you and forgive you'. its all over. finally its all done. you can rest. (i suggest kickstarting this with imagery or music, its hard to generate feeling such grace on you own. i saw a jesus holding a baby lamb picture that made me burst out in tears and realised that all i wanted was just to be, no obligations. i imagined waking up in a heaven, in a gaint flowerfield. do what you want)

one time i did the 1st and 3rd exercises (i made it up on the spot) and it was worth it. the next few days felt much better. its like an exercise in rebirth. let yourself be reborn.

some days you'll just do one or all 3. pick what ever feels right in what ever order. but i suggest that 'feel as if you've died' or 'no problems' comes last! the whole point is to let the painful emotion pass through and settle in a neutral or grateful place.

"after discovering non-duality i gained hope that i would be able to turn things around by now"

here's the problem, you went into a philosophy intending to manifest. yes,, (1) you can do that (2) its okay, AS LONG AS YOU DONT MISS THE POINT. the point being that there is no person! the character is a character, not you. manifestation is just another concept, you can use it as long as you understand that its not real. thats why i shared the BOOKS, you need to READ.

"i try to forget my problems, and don’t give them life by letting go"

don't force yourself to forget (don't say you're not forcing it, otherwise you never would of wrote "TRY"). just let them be. deal with it when it comes up. the mind'll want to make a bazillion plans and stress. if you can make plans without spiriling, then do it. if you can't, don't. there will probably be some things you need to plan and thats okay. but everything else, leave it.

you haven't actually let it go, you're here in my inbox. you do not need to force letting it go. you naturally let it go by realising who you are in relation to it all. if you think you're the body-mind then its impossible to let go, because its your life and it involves you and if you let it go to shit, you might die!! - says the mind. but if you're Self, then this is not you. all those stories mean nothing compared to Infinity, Absolute Perfection and Love!

the Self is who you truly are. Self is still underneath it all, it is all. its imagining itself being a human. the character is the wave, YOU are the ocean. ultimately this is about realising all the identities, images and roles that "you've" taken on and used as reference are not you. how can a story be you? how can the past be you? are you the past? are you currently living in the past? you can be if you keep bringing it into the now.

when you stop using the past as a reference point, how much more posibilities come up now?

this is because the mind only knows what it knows. it cannot know anything more than what it knows right now. it can't access infinite intelligence. that's why it'll try to project into the future, and make plans. but it doesn't truly know. all it does is give suggestions based off the past. it is a combination of identity based off feelings, thoughts and memories that is collected and turned into a habit.

the past, memories, feelings, thoughts, identifies, roles etc all pass through you. they all come up like waves and then leave on THEIR OWN. if you hold onto these (which the character wants to do, it thinks thats all it is) it'll be painful when they are threatened in some way. a simple remark of "oh you look xxx" can be so painful for some characters because they based their whole life on a singular identity that WILL go.

Most of you can't change because you are so desperate TO change... but there is nothing to want to change. Things just are. Don't work with changing self, just realize who self actually is. [4dbarbie]

this is not a forcing thing, its just a rememberance. its done out of love, passion, a desire to just be free! with no ties to whatever identity! its takes courage, not convincing or denial.

Disbelieving you are Vanessa and denial are not the same thing. Denial is when you deny reality to something you're already giving reality to. Disbelieving was meant as an experiment, you never thought yourselves to be anything but this body, what will happen if you did? What are changes in your psyche, do you feel more confident, do you feel like you could take on the world? Don't you love Vanessa now that you know that she always was a choice? Even if she wasn't the greatest, what's so wrong with her? She is just somebody, she just lives a life. Things are only so serious when you're identified with her, you get scared, you get hurt, you feel stuck. But when you know that she can't hinder you? That she was never you? Don't you just want to laugh and hug her? [4dbarbie]

are you sure you're reading books and posts? a lot of this is already answered. your case is just more to deal with, but the point is still the same: you are not the body and mind, see what would happen if you questioned them.

just KEEP IT SIMPLE!

i'd like to leave you with this.

Once a young woman came to Hafiz and said, “What is the sign of someone knowing God?” And Hafiz became very quiet and stood in silence for nearly a minute. Lovingly looking deep into the young woman's eyes, he then softly spoke: “My dear, they have dropped the knife. The person who knows God has dropped the cruel knife so often used upon their tender self and others.” [source]

some extra resources

eft - health fear

eft - afraid to feel

we cannot practice letting go

heart of an emotion

i want to wake up with everything

hafiz - love's victory (PLEASE WATCH IT)

trust yourself

"You think you're doing it all for nothing, that's why you don't do it. But is freedom from pain really nothing? At least you are, for once in your life, sighing from relief from all this never-ending sense of doing."

health anon

apply

"All the process requires is letting go of thinking you are Vanessa."

behaviour

letting thoughts and emotions pass

challenge yourself

stories

everything brings you back to your Self

you've been through a lot and i'm glad you still are full of love! otherwise you never would've tried in the first place to change anything. use that love, take any anger and turn it into love for freedom! for Self! i know you can do it!!

also: the feeling of bad health coming back is a sign to me. you've put so much on hold: your healing from the sa, the healing from your family, the lying, LIFE in general. you can't keep doing that. turn inwards. the fear won't consume you.

#lainsmail

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