#im still so pissed and heart broken. she was so selfish and i should have known better but i was being selfish too and just wanted to be

[jarnormus]

i once fostered a snake for a few days and it made me go from being so scared to loving them like they r literally little babies with baby faces

[capituloperdido1]

Traitor Pt 3 (Final)

Hello everyone!

So happy that you guys liked my little story, i am hoping to write much more in the future. So please let me know if there is anything in particular you would like to read. Here is pt3 and last part of the Traitor fic. There is a 'prequel' and it is very angsty, if you guys want that as well let me know.

Enjoy!

It had been three days, three days without seeing Azriel. He didn't show to practice, neither he looked for her in the library.

Coward, coward, coward

She was so mad, how was saying sorry so hard for him?

Or was he embarrassed that he lost to her? no, Azriel would never be embarrassed about that. He was just too afraid to face her.

Or maybe he didn't care, maybe he wanted to fix things with Elain and not her.

Yeah, that might be the answer.

That afternoon Nesta had asked her to come over to the house of wind and stay over with her while Cassian was away in a mission. She climbed the stairs of the library, while preparing to be in the same house as Azriel.

He was not talking to her, fine, she would not talk to him.

Nesta was waiting for her at the door, "please don't kill me, please, please". She said while grabbing Gwyns bags, "my sisters came over for dinner and have not left, i can kick them out but we have to wait a bit for Rhysand to leave Nyx at Amren's"

She smiled

Perfect this night has started perfectly.

"Of course, yeah no problem."

They arrived at the room, and Gwyn felt panic rising to her throat at the sight of the middle Archeron sister. She was probably pissed at Gwyn for all that had happened, she probably hated Gwyn because of it.

"Hi Gwyn!" said Feyre.

"Feyre" she bowed, "thank you for having me".

Elain looked at her, smiled, and kept talking to Feyre.

Well, that's better than the slap she had expected.

She sat besides Nesta and prayed that her High Lord would come soon.

------

An hour past, and the four women were tangled in a conversation about wine when a knock came at the door.

Gwyn felt a tug at her chest; he is here it seemed to say.

Fuck.

"Im sorry to interrupt ladies" a breathy voice said, " i am here for my high lady and her sister". She turned around and faced the male speaking, he wore rather casual clothing compared to the illyrian leathers. His black tight shirt and cargo black pants accentuated his muscles, and his hair was messier than usual.

His eyes landed on hers, and his slight smirk fell.

Oh, great. I'm not happy to see you either, she thought.

Elain stood and quickly walked towards Azriel, but he did not break Gwyns stare; not even while he grabbed the arms of both women and they said bye to Nesta and her.

He looked at Nesta, "is this... a sleep over?" he said softly.

"yes, and you are very much not invited" Nesta responded.

He smirked, "ill be back" he looked at Gwyn.

"Don't leave" he said.

She looked away.

"Please" he said to her, his voice pained and desperate.

And with that, he left.

Nesta smiled and crossed her arms. "You planned this didn't you?" Gwyn asked her sister, "mhm, he helped me get a mate i help him find the balls to talk to you" she answered.

-----------

Gwyn was not one for drinking, but waiting for Azriel to come had made her so anxious that she had considered asking the house for Cassian's oldest bottle of Whiskey to drink it all by herself. Instead, she had been served a big, fat piece of chocolate cake; accompanied by water.

Nesta was in front of her, watching with admiration as Gwyn devoured the cake.

Mother, she loved chocolate.

The tug at her heart began once more, the feeling of comfort and hurt that Azriel brought upon her growing as the seconds flew by.

"He is here" she whispered to Nesta, "I am not ready to face him".

"He is not ready to face you" she answered.

A soft knock came at the door, and the creak of the wooden door was the most terrifying thing Gwyn had ever heard.

"Shadowsinger" Nesta said, "you are just on time". Nesta stood, grabbed Gwyns hand and squeezed it softly, "i need to go fix some paperwork for Cassian, could you please stay with Gwyn while i come back?"

Really Nesta? Thanks.

"Sure, thank you" he answered.

-----------

She did not feel Nesta leaving, neither she looked up to see where Azriel stood in the room. Her hands had become the most entertaining thing in the world at that moment, and nothing would change that.

"Gwyn" he called.

She felt him getting closer, and it took all her will not to jump to his arms.

He stopped, "please, look at me".

"No" she said, "you don't get to demand for me to stay, for me to talk to you, for me to look at you".

Cauldron was he clueless, did he not have a sense of communication?

He is trying, the voice of her heart seemed to say.

"I know that, but... I need... I need to see your eyes" Azriel said. Slowly, she felt him kneel in front of her; not too close as to startle her, but close enough that she could feel the smell of night-chilled mist and cedar filling her nose.

"May i touch you?" He said, stretching his hand towards her.

Yes, please

She only nodded softly.

His hands grabbed her chin and lifted it to face him. "There you are" he smiled, "there they are". His eyes looked deeply into hers, as if he was trying to memorize each feature in them; he seemed... desperate to memorize her. As if what he was about to say would make her disappear from his side forever.

" I have a whole speech prepared" Azriel said, "but i don't think you're the type to want to hear rehearsed words, so let me give it a try..."

Quieter than she had ever heard him, Azriel began " I have always been alone, the shadows and the dark being my best friends..."

"I only knew friendship and love when Rhys opened his home to me; but even as my brothers and i grew, i still felt alone.... empty. I longed for something that would be entirely mine, something that no one else would share, something i would never have to part with." His voice breaking, Azriel inhaled and tucked his hands in his pockets.

"I met Mor when she was very young, she was such a happy girl; always teasing and playing, always happy even with the shitty family she was born into. She lightened my days, she gave me a reason to wake up in the morning; i began to love her before i expected" his voice filled with pain he said, "and i loved her for five hundred years..."

"I thought she had to be my mate, because no one else would make me as happy as her; and i waited for five hundred years for the mating bond to click. Disregarding her feelings, her insecurities and fears; i pushed my feelings down her throat, hoping she would pity me enough to give me a chance".

His confession broke her. What kind of thoughts went through the mind of this beautiful man to say anything like that?

"Meeting Elain was different, i was finally able to help someone as broken as me. I had a purpose beyond violence. I looked forward to sharing time with her, i wanted push her to be better, to forget about that undeserving human boy" He continued, "once she began to get better, i realized that i was not the only thing grounding her. Her sisters, the wraiths, gardening, and even her mate gave her courage to keep going. And i am so selfish, selfish enough to begin loving her; demanding from her what she is not ready to give".

"The winter solstice that i tried to give her the necklace, i did it out of a desire for her to be mine. My thoughts were never about how much i loved and admired her, but rather that i deserved Elain, that three brothers and three sisters made more sense than what the cauldron had chosen".

Gwyn shuttered, her heart squeezing lightly at the words coming from his mouth.

"But i realized long ago, that Elain deserves to choose her own path; neither Lucien nor me are entitled to her, she should be master of her own destiny" He said, no pain noticeable in his voice. "I had to let go, for my sake, my court's sake; but most importantly, for her".

"I could tell you more about my mistakes, and i will, but i have to explain why i gave that necklace to you." He moved closer to her, their knees touching. "That night, Gwyn, the conversation we had made my heart sing; you changed my mood so quickly, and you didn't even know it. You looked, so free, so competitive, so happy".

"Then, after i left that night, i realized that i wanted to see your smile again; so i left the necklace to Clotho and asked her to bring you some joy in that lonely solstice night. And my mind pictured your smile once you received that necklace. The selfish being that i am, has kept that memory in my heart; selfishly locked away so that no one will steal it from me" He smiled and looked into her eyes, "and then you kept showing me so many surprising sides of you. No one challenges me to better as you do, no one wants to see me bite dust as you do. No one is interested in what i think about coffee, or what my favorite mystery novel is. You have heard my voice more time than anyone before."

"You have showed me many times that you're my only match Gwyn".

He paused, as if the words weighted on his heart as much as they weighted on hers.

"You are my best friend, the person i admire the most in the world. I admire your courage, your patience, your perseverance, your happiness. I love the way you show love to your friends. I love how much of a fierce warrior you are. And even though i made a mistake by re-gifting the necklace, i could not think of anyone that deserves to be pampered and loved as much as you"

He stopped, inhaled and touched the top of her hands.

The happiest feeling crept into her heart, her feelings were not one sided.

He saw her.

She saw him.

But his eyes did not show the happiness she expected, not did they show the same desire that burned deep in her.

They showed fear, sadness, longing.

"But with all that i have said, i know i don't deserve you. I have hurt everyone I've ever loved, i have always been so selfish. I have been looking for a bond so desperately that i was blind to what i had right in front of me..."-"I have avoided confronting my fears of being alone, of facing my nightmares and acknowledging how much of a monster i can be. When i look at you, how much you have given me; i regret every moment i have not spent loving you".

He moved his hands away from hers, looked at them and shuttered.

She realized then, unlike her, his biggest fears and insecurities were visible for everyone to see. He hated his hands, he believed them to be the proof of his monstrosity.

He did not know how wrong he was.

Finally, after what felt like eternity he said, " i am sorry Gwyn, i have not been the man you deserve; and i will forever regret that i lost you before i ever had you."

Tears falling down her cheeks, Gwyn grabbed his hands and placed them in her face. How much courage had those words taken? How much courage had even touching her taken?

"Az... you're so blind" she responded with a sob. She turned her face to his hands and placed a slight kiss inside of his hands, "these hands saved me, they are so precious... you are so precious to me"

She looked into his eyes, "i was hurt because i wanted.... i wanted you to be honest with me"

"I thought the necklace had meant that you thought of me" she smiled sadly, "for the first in my life i thought someone had chosen me, someone had thought of me first".

He looked away sadly, "i know that, and i am sorry".

She interrupted him, " I lied when i said i never wore it, i wore it every day, every hour" she laughed softly and grabbed the empty space in her neck that once held her necklace, "i even bathed with it".

He smiled. And damn if she wanted to kiss him now even more than ever.

"Once i found out it had been you who had gifted it to me, i ... finally was able to confirm my feelings towards you" Gwyn confessed. "I knew i fell in love with you the moment in the training ring when you admitted you had given the necklace to me."

Was she really saying this?

Yes

She closed her eyes and talked before her courage disappeared.

"Azriel i am in love with you" she breathed, "i fell in love with the man saw the darkness in me, and did not run away. The one that taught me to fight my nightmares way. The one that listened to me ramble about the silliest things. The one that made an effort to open his heart to me, and answered every question i asked him" she laughed. "After the first night on the training ring; i knew you would be my best friend, my confidant. Once i shared more and more nights with you, i couldn't stay away... i can't stay away from you"

Placing his hands in her chest she said, "i love you, all of you; the spy, the friend, the brother, the shadowsinger"

She didn't dare to look deeply into his eyes, afraid of what feelings laid beneath them.

"You are my center, you are my hope, my ladder to keep climbing up the pit of darkness my mind is. I will never be enough for you; for the pure and innocent heart you have. But if you give me a chance, i will treasure you for eternity". Tears scrolled down her face as she spoke, "I am not you mate, nor i am what you were looking for. But i will fight beside you every step of the way, because you more than anyone deserves happiness".

There. I said it.

She took her hands away from his, looked down and waited.... Waited for him to stand and leave, to laugh and mock her.

But he didn't.

He kneeled there, in front of her.

Shocked

Happy

.... Happy

He was happy; in fact, he seemed joyous.

A grin emerged in the male's face, bigger and brighter than she had never seen before.

Grabbing her hand, he pulled them up.

There they were, facing each other; looking deeply into each other's eyes when Azriel said: "the one that does not deserve you is me". He came closer to her, grabbed her waist and pulled her body towards his "my best friend, my love. I want you to be my entire world Gwyn".

He smiled and pulled a strand of hair behind her ear. His face coming even closer to hers, "i am not worthy of your confession, your heart, much less your body". His nose touched hers, "but give me a chance, i will treasure you until the end of times".

She smiled, nodded and closed her eyes.

Warmth filled her body as Azriel's lips closed upon hers. Soft, warm and gentle. Moving in a pace that would not startle her, he grabbed her neck to pull her even closer to him. He took his time to explore her mouth, kissing every corner. "Thank you Gwyn, for choosing me" he said, "i have found my light where i never thought looking". He kissed her nose, her forehead and her lips. "Now that i have you" he said, not leaving an inch of space between their mouths, "i will never leave you".

-------

As they kissed, something golden and long appeared in Gwyns mind, her chest seemed to swollen at the sight of it. The golden string settling in front of her and pulling her to reality.

She flinched at the same time Azriel did.

Their eyes meeting once again.

And right there, she knew...

"Mate" they said.

[janekfan]

Chronic

https://archiveofourown.org/works/27802141

Thank you @taylortut for helping me!!!

Jon looked at the clock.

537.

The glowing numbers burned themselves into his retinas. How had it been less than an hour since last he’d checked? No use for it. Better to get himself up and ready for work. But he’d closed his eyes against the headache blaring like a klaxon and he’d have to open them again at some point.

Taking advantage of his lonely flat, Jon allowed himself to indulge the noise pushing its way through grit teeth as he maneuvered his sore legs from under the quilt. He sat a moment, pressing the bare soles of his feet on the cold floor and levering his heavy body upright with a shaking arm.

Exhausted.

And it’s only--a quick glance.

544.

The hell was wrong with him?

Since just before accepting the position as Head Archivist, and rightly pissing off both Sasha and Tim on her behalf, Jon felt like he’d been constantly coming down with something. Dizzy and nauseous and unable to eat, he was chronically exhausted and while he’d never slept well at the best of times, it was evading him more than ever.

And there were his mornings. Struggling to motivate himself out of bed, brushing his teeth with his eyes closed and leaning against the wall. Deciding he could forgo a shower just once more and choosing instead to make breakfast. Forcing himself to eat a piece of dry toast with his heart hammering away in his throat and half laying on the table, panting through his tea. Mentally, Jon prepared himself for the walk to the train, automatically going for his cane because lord knew he needed the support.

He’d get to the Institute hours early.

At least that made him look good?

Taking advantage of being a cane user, Jon opted for a reserved seat, the guilt at truly needing one eating away at his insides. But there were black spots at the corners of his vision and he had to sit down before he fell down and the guilt is a far sight better than causing a scene. The trip was too short. His chest ached from the constant pounding and he pressed the hand not holding his cane for dear life against his breastbone. It didn’t help but the pressure and touch grounded him enough to stand up. To head to the cross street. To wait for the lights to change. To stagger down the stairs and into his office, to drop into his desk chair and focus on every breath of air moving into his body and back out of it.

Jon put his head down. There was no one here. Wouldn’t be for a couple hours yet and he was exhausted, shaking from it. Nauseated. There wasn’t a fever. He’d gone as far as to purchase a thermometer to be certain when the strange symptoms refused to abate no matter how often he let himself rest, no matter the meals he tried his damndest to eat, the water he drank down. He was trying. Jon couldn’t remember ever taking such good care of himself and of course it refused to pay off. In Uni, he’d driven himself into the ground with little consequence. He’d maintained those habits until a few months ago and now--

Muffled voices drifted through his door, the rise and fall of easy conversation. The kind he’d once been allowed to partake in. Laughter filled the air and while Jon wished to join them he knew he wasn’t welcome.

Why had he done it?

Why hadn’t he refused Elias?

Because you’re selfish. You’ve always been selfish. Needy. Greedy, grasping, always striving to know answers and never satisfied with what you're given. You take what you don’t deserve.

Reluctantly, Jon stood, slowly, because doing anything quickly these days has him ducking his head between his legs or waking up on the floor without any recollection of how he came to be there. He could at least collect their research in person, greet them. Try to be the boss they deserved.

Sasha was the boss they deserved.

“Ah, g’good morning.”

“Jon!” Martin, smiling shyly. “You’re here so early!” He began to stammer and Jon’s legs began to ache. This wasn’t a good day. They seldom were anymore. “I m’mean, of course y’you are, you work very hard!” Martin was saved by Tim swinging an arm around his shoulders.

“You’ve broken ‘im, boss.��� A flush rose in Jon’s cheeks. He could feel it. “No worries, Marto. He’s always been an early riser.” While it was said in jest, the tone settled heavy in Jon’s chest, directly beside the pain blossoming like a thorny rose. Luckily, he was rescued by Rosie, standing halfway down the stairs and informing him that Elias requested him in his office. Jon didn’t relish the climb, no matter how grateful he was to escape out from underneath Sash’s heavy gaze. She had every right and he would bear his punishment in silence until she chose, if she ever did, to forgive him.

An indeterminate amount of time later, Jon limped out of Elias’ office without any recollection of what they’d spoken about or if he’d even spoken at all. Thumping pain and panic and he knew he was rude to ignore Rosie at her desk but he wasn’t in any shape to hold a conversation, fairly certain that he wasn’t able to currently speak, far too focused on trying to hide how ill he was. But every sound was magnified tenfold in his ears and he could barely remember where the door to the archives was with the way his head reeled and spun. Jon wanted to sink to the ground once he had the door between himself and the lobby but he’d never make it to his feet again after that. Push through, he told himself. Get to your desk. He allowed himself a moment, two, just to put his head to rights, to try and breathe through the battering of his pulse.

And oh god he wasn’t going to make it and he wondered if somehow Elias knew. It was as though he’d kept him standing there talking about nothing until Jon hit his limit, knowing he wouldn’t have the strength to get back to his office.

But he had to try and he’d almost gotten down the ridiculously narrow stairwell before he forgot nearly entirely why he was there in the first place. Was he going up? Down? Meeting with someone? Just arriving? He could barely breathe and the panic welling in his throat was choking and the black was crawling over his eyes and the dizziness only increased and he needed...needed…

For a moment, Jon didn’t recognize where he was, the migraine, the fuzziness, conspiring against memory and reason. But he knew this color, the hideous lick of paint some contractor had splashed over the walls a lifetime ago.

Breakroom?

Wha--

“Jon!” He winced, his own name like broken glass shredding every sense to ribbons. “Christ, are you alright?” Martin, the sounds he made were shrill, grating, and if he’d been able to tell him to be silent, he would have. “We heard the noise--you’d, you fainted! On the stairs! Luckily it was only the last few.” Jon blinked, dull and dumb, forcing himself up, up, up, and through heavy mist and fog in his search for words. Weary to the marrow of his aching bones, Jon slumped on the cushions and tried to think of a way to stop Martin’s incessant chattering. Tim and Sasha, alerted most likely by all the commotion, stood over him and he craned his neck up to look at them. Tim especially looked furious.

“You could have been seriously hurt!”

“S’sorry…” And he was, between his rabbiting heartbeat, throbbing migraine, and difficulty drawing breath into his exhausted lungs, he wanted to cry with how sorry he was.

“This is ridiculous. You need to take better care of yourself.” Jon wasn’t sure why the sting from Tim’s accusation cut so deep and he hung his head, biting trembling lips to prevent the tears threatening to spring free.

It wasn’t fair.

By all accounts he was taking care of himself. More than ever!

“Did you even eat today? Drink anything?” He nodded, miserable, unwell, and equipped with no better answers than the truth.

“Tim. He’s just come to.” The understanding was the final straw, and Jon’s sight blurred with salt damp. “I’ll make sure he eats something before going back to work.”

“Alright, Martin. If he gives you any trouble, call.” At Jon, he pointed. “And you, no trouble.” And he nodded miserably.

“Okay, they’ve gone.” The familiar sounds of the kettle heating filled the room, the clink of a pair of ceramic mugs, the rustling of the tea bags, Martin’s distracted murmuring, all combined to calm him. “How long have you been feeling this way?” Jon looked up, surprised, and shrugged one shoulder, accepting the small plate of biscuits and nibbling slowly and when he finished those, Martin offered up the tea. Sitting with him in companionable quiet, he sipped on his own cup. Nothing more was exchanged and when Jon finished he thanked Martin for the company and locked himself away.

Jon was at wit’s end. Nothing he tried seemed to improve anything and the few times he did speak with a doctor, he was sent away with the same, useless advice, or worse, told he was imagining things, making it up, having panic attacks even though he was familiar with those and this was not that.

Work was a nightmare made even more miserable with the overwhelming amount of paperwork, statements, boxes, misfiled folders and envelopes and items and Jon missed the easy camaraderie and understanding he’d had with Sasha and Tim. Maybe he should resign, try and salvage what little of the relationship they still had, or, or invite them out for dinner, his treat, but Elias would never let him quit and the very idea of entertaining exhausted him. A cuppa appeared at his elbow filled with something new, something floral and slightly sweet, accompanied, as always, by a few biscuits.

“That’s a lot of work, Jon.” He sipped, grateful, lifting an eyebrow in response.

“I knew it would be when I accepted this position.” Undeterred, Martin stumbled forward.

“Y’yeah, I mean, you would have. Of course. I just--” A breath. “I’ve finished with my other assignments, ready for round, uh. Well, another round!”

“Ah. Alright, I’ll bring something over when I pick up your translations.” Martin took back the cup, nodding enthusiastically, and Jon appreciated that it was business as usual, selecting a few he’d been putting off and making his way toward his assistants ignoring inquiring looks in favor of taking the chair Martin offered up to go over his expectations. Short, succinct. A few notes on one translation, advice to remember for next time, and Jon felt reasonably confident Martin could handle himself. It wasn’t until he’d gotten back to his office that Jon realized that was the first time he’d been offered a chair. It was becoming apparent that Martin was good at noticing the little things about them. A blush heated his cheeks and he tried to rub it away, feeling ridiculous that such a small act of kindness made him feel so seen.

Jon pushed forward, ignoring the warnings his body was trying to give him in favor of plowing through his work like he’d always done, and by the time he made it home, was on the verge of collapse. Hot tears of frustration stung at the corners of his eyes, spilling over when Jon allowed himself to feel it. More than anything, he was used to having control over himself, working when he wanted, burying himself in the research, devouring knowledge. Now he was at the whim of his physical form. Paying more attention to it than ever before and never knowing if he was going to wake up and have a good day or a bad day and it was maddening. Managing whatever it was without knowing what it was, was impossible with no rhyme or reason he could discern.

So in the absence of both, Jon kept shoving his way through how difficult it was because if he could just be normal through pretending everything was normal, then it would be.

Jon knew Tim was cross with him and managed to avoid him for most of the day, taking breaks here and there like he’d promised Martin he would do. But his luck, while it had been holding steady, had just run out and he found himself cornered in the breakroom.

“What do you think you’re on about?” Frustration had long since turned to outrage, boiling over.

“Tim, I. I’m not sure what you mean--”

“Damn it, Jon! You’ve already taken on a job you aren’t fit for! You can’t keep heaping your work onto Martin and then swanning off!”

“That’s.” He balled his hands into fists, nails biting crescent moons into his palms. How could he explain when even the doctors thought he was making it all up? Heat rushed through him, top to toe, flushing his face and he wavered, legs threatening to buckle, vision threatening to go dark. He was going to pass out a second time today if he didn’t sit down. But that would mean walking away from Tim, and he didn’t think the man would let him. At least not until he was done telling him off. Better to be silent. Try not to pay attention to how erratic the persistent beating caged behind fragile ribs had become.

“Why didn’t you say no?” Because he wanted to be useful. Because Elias made him feel like he was capable even if he wasn’t. “Why didn’t you just let Sasha have this?” Because he was an awful, selfish person. “God, Jon. Why did you drag us all down here with you?”

Because he was lonely.

Because they’d been friends. Once.

Rather than remind Tim that he was free to go at any time, that he and Sash hadn’t been forced or coerced into accepting positions here in the archives, Jon pressed his lips into a thin line.

“Well?!” Sharp, strident, Tim’s shout echoed around in the space between his own hurting, agonal breaths in his ears.

“I. I, I need to si’down…” wanted to lay down. Wanted to sleep, trembling with exhaustion, about to go down.

“What?” Lashes fluttering as he gripped the thread of consciousness with both hands, he barely registered Tim’s hands around his shoulders, guiding him into a chair and pushing his head down between his knees. “Jon?”

“M’okay…”

“You are clearly not.” A wide palm settled on his back, keeping him folded over. It was helping.

“S’mm...been. S’fine.” The floor came back into focus, all the little cracks and imperfections and Jon counted the streaks in the pattern in an attempt to ground himself but kept losing track of the number. Neither moved until Jon attempted to sit up, slowly, accepting Tim’s help.

“Jon?” He looked spooked, pale. “Please, what’s going on?” His hand settled in the crux of shoulder and neck, thumb ghosting along his clammy skin, and Jon allowed himself to find a morsel of comfort in the familiar gesture, the threat of tears closer than ever. So he reached for him.

“I don’t know.” And Tim pulled away as if burned, the frustration and anger rising in his face again, and Jon was bereft. “T’truly! I--”

“Why won’t you be honest with me? Don’t you trust me?” Standing, he took a step backwards, away from him, the hurt in him a palpable thing. “We’re supposed to be friends!”

Yes. They were friends. It was most likely why for the first time in a long while, the pain in his chest wasn’t a physical ache.

“Tim, I.” Fingers folded to fists to rest on his knees. But he was already gone.

“Jon!” Tentative, Martin lifted his chin. “Oh, oh.” Having been crying, Jon figured his eyes were red-rimmed and puffy and he didn’t bother attempting to hide the evidence. “Alright.” Martin went about making tea, chamomile, herbal and calming, placing it before him on the table with a chocolate digestive. “Drink this down and then go home. It’s half six.”

“Mm.”

“Sleep will help.”

“Mm.”

“I could speak to them for you. If--”

“No!” All but shouted. “No. That won’t be necessary, Martin.” Carefully he stood, paused. “Thank you.” And left.

Jon called off.

Called off again.

Again.

Apologized to Elias in a curt email requesting leave and was granted it.

He ignored his phone. His texts. The knock at the door and Martin’s voice behind it. He slept when he was tired and he was tired often and it was easier besides, to finally listen to the screaming of his body. It was after hours on his fifth day gone when Tim let himself in with the spare key to Jon’s flat.

“Hey.” Sheepish, he held up his hands in surrender, a bag of takeaway from Jon’s favorite place dangling from one. “Martin said you wouldn’t let him in.” Dressed in the most comfortable clothes he had, which were also the shabbiest, Jon glared at him from where he laid on the couch. “I was an arse.” Slowly, he sat up, making Tim wait on purpose, a powerful frown still aimed in his direction.

“You were.” He was aware he looked a mess, greasy hair pulled back in a sloppy bun, but he felt a sight better for the rest he’d gotten.

“Would you accept an apology?” Folding his arms, Jon leaned back into the cushions and fixed his stare at whatever rubbish was on the telly.

“Might do.” Silently, Tim scurried into the tiny kitchen and Jon listened to the familiar sounds of him rooting around for cutlery. It smelled delicious and comforting, a reminder of nights spent together laughing at nothing on this same couch and despite himself, Jon began to relax.

“I’m sorry.”

“Alright.” Tim’s face split in a wide, relieved grin, and he flopped down next to him, planting a loud kiss to his temple before urging him to eat. “Martin sent you here.”

“An angry Marto is not to be trifled with.” Through a mouthful of noodles, Tim chuffed in laughter. “Wouldn’t tell me anything, other than to stop being a prick.”

“He did not.”

“He did not. But it was more than implied!” He put his bowl on the low table in front of them, sitting forward with his hands dangling between his knees. “And he was right. I didn’t give you a fair shake and accused you of awful things. And I know you’re doing your best at this job.”

“Gertrude isn’t making it easy.”

“Neither is your health, I take it.” Jon set his own meal aside, curling into the padded arm.

“No. It isn’t.”

“And you don’t know what’s causing it?”

“I know some things that help. M’Martin has been invaluable.”

“Has he, now?”

“Leave off!”

“Okay, okay.” But he continued giggling as Jon felt his face go hot, muttering.

“He really has.” This time Tim pulled him gently into an embrace.

“Then Sash and I will just have to catch up.”

[horansqueen]

You & Me : chapter 23

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.9k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- notes: its a bit longer. and i hope its not too much or too exaggerated? anyway, you tell me. i really want to know what you really think, thank you!

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : only one, no spoiler :)

Chapter 23 : His chapter

NIALL

I woke up with dried tears and the sun peaking through the curtains. I had no idea what time it was but Olivia was still pressed against me and I was holding her close, as if we hadn't moved at all during the night. I moved my face in her hair, smelling the honey and vanilla scent, before leaving a kiss on top of her head. She moaned low and moved closer, rubbing her nose on my neck.

"Mm, Niall." she whispered, making my lips curl.

I didn't know how she'd ever marry an other man after everything we went through and I didn't want to believe I was just some sort of friend with benefits that she used to have a 'fun time' before marrying someone else and spending her life with him. That was not the type of things she did and there was no way this made any sense. She didn't mention it, though, and  didn't want to put any kind of pressure on her. She knew how I felt and I'd keep telling her until she'd make it clear she didn't want to hear it anymore.

"'Morning, petal. How did you sleep?" I asked, keeping my voice very low.

"With your song in head." she admitted just as low, leaving small kisses on my neck. "You really wrote that for me?"

I opened my eyes  and pressed my cheek on top of her head. "I was not expecting to see you at the bakery that day, but if I had known, I would have expected my feelings for you to be exactly that. I knew I was still in love with you, Olivia. I knew when I broke up with you, and I knew all the time we were not together."

We remained quiet and I felt her fingers on my back, holding me against her, as if i wanted to move away anyway. Her warm and naked body against mine felt so good I could have stayed in this position all day.

"If you were always in love with me, Niall, why did you leave me?" she asked low, her voice almost cracking. "Why was everything else so important? Why did you need to be single and fuck around? Why wasn't I enough?"

I closed my eyes tight again and swallowed hard. Her questions were legit and my answers were sad. I squeezed her harder against me and licked my lips, trying to find the right words.

"I was selfish, and stupid. Honestly, Olivia, a big part of me knew you were unhappy. You were always hurt by stuff online or by the things I did and said. I felt like you wanted out and that eventually you'd end up hating me and leaving anyway. I left because your heart was in this relationship but your head was driving you insane."

She pulled away and her eyes met mine. She was frowning, her lips parted, and she shook her head.

"What?" she whispered, making me close my eyes again and sigh. "You're either trying to put this on me or you're literally telling me that you left because you thought that's what I wanted. I mean, you don't get to make that decision for me, Niall."

"I know, I mean I should have told you but-" she pulled away from me and sat in bed before rubbing her eyes. "I mean, Liv, It's true, you were miserable with me."

"Maybe because you kept flirting with every fucking girl you met!"

She got up and grabbed a pair of sweatpants and a shirt and something twisted in my stomach when I realized she hadn't picked the one I was wearing the day before. She was pissed, or hurt... or both.

"I know, I know I was wrong. I would never do that again."

"Well, I don't know if I believe you." she let out, grabbing her phone and getting out of the room.

I sighed and got up too, putting pretty much the same outfit as her and following her to the kitchen as she grabbed a water bottle in the fridge and started drinking from it.

"Olivia, I haven't flirted with anyone since.. I can't remember, but it's been months."

"What about in a year, Niall? When you'll be tired of me. When you'll be tired that I'm the only one you get to see naked, the only one you get to fuck. What will happen, then?"

Her tone was harsh and I swallowed the lump in my throat as I stared at her. I could understand how she felt, and at the same time, I knew she was aware that I was not the same man than I used to be.

"That will never happen again. Never." I let out seriously. "I will never get tired of you."

Her eyes softened for a few seconds but she quickly frowned again.

"Anyway that's not the point, you took a decision for me and you should have talked to me about it instead. You can't decide what I want or what I should do!"

"You're right, I can't. But don't you feel better now? You worked so much on yourself, you grew up and matured for the better, and I did too. I love to see you so confident about yourself, look what you accomplished! You have your own tv show, you do something you love and you get paid for it. You're so balanced and you look so happy and you love yourself!" I argued, taking a step closer.

"Okay, do you want me to thank you for it? Thank you, Niall, for breaking my heart."

Her voice was not as harsh and I felt like she knew I was right. I shook my head and sighed, daring to take an other step closer.

"No, you have only yourself to thank. You're the one who did all that. You owe it only to you. And you're right, I was a selfish prick and the fact that you weren't happy with me just comforted me in choosing my freedom over you." I explained gently. "But I love you. I changed. I want to show you that I changed."

She sighed and I was getting mad. I was not really mad at her, I was more mad at myself for not being able to express myself properly, and for the way I acted when we dated. I was pissed because she was right, and because her pain was legit. I was mad because I wanted her back and because I was scared our day was ruined.

"Well love is not everything, remember? It takes more than that." she pointed out roughly. "A lot more."

I felt something explode inside me, like a mix of anger and pain that I was unable to keep inside anymore and I shook my head roughly, throwing my arms up.

"If I could I'd take it back okay!" my voice was loud but I could feel sobs threatening to come out.

"Take what back?" she asked with an annoyed tone.

"That stupid break-up!" I admitted just as loud. "That fucking ridiculous break-up! I'd take it back in a heartbeat if I could! I'd erase it from our history forever! I regret it! It's the biggest regret of my life!"

Her eyes got bigger and her lips parted slightly. She seemed so surprised by my words that it calmed her immediately. I watched her lick her lips slowly, trying to keep my own tears in.

"If you hadn't broken up with me, Niall, you wouldn't know that." she started, this time in a low and soft voice. "You'd still be unsure of what you want, you wouldn't know if you really loved me. You had to lose me to realize that you actually wanted me. Do you see the irony, Niall? Do you realize how fucked up it is?"

I sighed again and walked to her, grabbing a chair and sitting down at the table, my elbows on the table and my face in my hands. I didn't want to fight with her, and I knew we could have a discussion without fighting. I breathed in and out a few times and when I felt calm, I opened my eyes again. She was sitting in front of me and she seemed calm too now.

"It is. It's fucked up." I admitted, staring at her. "I don't know how to tell you how sorry I am, Olivia."

"I already forgave you for that, Niall." she pointed out gently. "I'm sorry for bringing it back."

I let my arms fall on the table and opened my hands, palms up. She looked down and nibbled on her bottom lip for a few seconds before placing her hands in mine.

"Heidi sent me that picture of you in a wedding dress to make us fight but we did it by ourselves." I just said with a sad chuckle.

"It's normal to fight, sometimes, as long as we know how to make up, too." she explained. "We're better at this, aren't we?"

The left corner of my lips raised up. "We were never bad at it, but we're even better now, it's true."

I squeezed both her hands before letting go of one and grabbing the other with both of mine. I turned her hand so her palm was facing up and ran the tip of my forefinger on it gently. After a few seconds, she quivered slightly and my lips curled more. I loved having an effect on her.

"We're gonna have to talk about what we did when we were apart." I finally said, still staring at her hand.

I couldn't help but think about what Heidi told me and for some reason, I wanted to prove her wrong, even if she would never know. Olivia was not the kind of person to push me away for my mistakes. She never did it, and I felt like she never would. She didn't judge anyone and she always tried to make you feel better when you felt at your worst. I didn't want to believe that the bad decisions I took while we were apart would just ruin what we could have now and at the same time, I felt like she deserved to know before anything serious happened between us, if it was ever going to happen.

Her fingers slipped out of my hands as she brought her arms back to her and it made me look up. She was avoiding my gaze and it made me frown. Didn't she want to know what I did without her? Or was she just too scared to be hurt by my behavior that just thinking about that discussion made her feel bad?

"Not now, okay?"

I frowned, a bit surprised by how she literally closed up completely in front of me. It was so sudden that I realized maybe the problem was not what she was going to hear, but more what she was going to say.

"It's important, you know."

She shut her eyes tight and nodded. "I know."

I waited for her to open her eyes again but she didn't and I reached for her wrist over the table. "There's a fair in town, you want to go?"

Her eyes finally fluttered open and her lips curled a bit before she nodded. I realized she was uncomfortable with the discussion I wanted to have but I couldn't help but think it was needed. I was ready to wait but we couldn't push this discussion back forever, and I wanted her to hear it from me and not from anyone else.

"Okay, let's get ready then."

Her smile got bigger and she nodded again before getting up and going back to my room. I got up too and watched her leave, taking her water bottle and swallowing what was left it in. I was not the type to worry but this time, i felt curious and a bit scared. I was nervous to tell her about what I had done but I felt like she was keeping some things to herself too and although she didn't have to tell me what it was, I hoped she would.

When I got back to my room, I heard the shower and smiled despite myself. Without thinking, I took my clothes off and joined her quickly. She chuckled when she saw me but didn't tell me to leave and I quickly took the shampoo, rubbing it in her hair as she closed her eyes, a smile still gracing her lips.

"Your hair's gonna smell like my shampoo now." I said in a low tone. "Makes me sad. I prefer the way it smells normally."

She laughed and her eyes met mine when she opened them before shaking her head.

"Here's a secret I can tell you, Niall James Horan." she started, her eyes sparkling with amusement. "It's not my shampoo that has that smell."

My eyes opened wide and I chuckled low. "It's not?" she shook her head more. "What is it, then?"

This time, she just raised her nose up and took some foam from her hair only to wipe it on the tip of my nose. I raised it up and groaned, making her burst into laughter. She took a step back and let her head fall back to rinse her hair. I stared at her wet body for a few seconds before taking the shampoo again and washing my own hair.

We got prepared and left and this time, we took my car. We stopped at a restaurant to eat even if it was in the middle of the afternoon and ended at the fair a bit after 5. We could already see the sun setting and I realized time always passed fast when I was with her. I motioned to grab her hand without thinking but stopped right on time. It made my heart jump in my chest and I just turned my face to her to send her a smile.

"I like when you wear a cap." she just said, grabbing the front and pulling it down.

I took it off to put it back correctly and she laughed right before apologizing. I was happy to be there with her and I just hoped I wouldn't be recognized. It would just be incredibly nice to walk around holding hands and not holding inside all the affection we felt for each other but at the same time, I knew it was risky for her. Anyway, I was never the one who enjoyed PDA, even if I had derogated from my own rule a few times with her.

"I like when you wear a smile." I replied.

Her traits softened and her head tilted. Her smile turned into a fond one and just for that look, it was worth saying that cheesy line.

"I almost forgot how well you can sweet talk women."

This time, I laughed. "You know that's a lie."

"You're not as awkward as you think you are, Nee." she pointed out with a laugh as she walked towards a booth. "But I admit that your good look helps a lot."

This time, I laughed louder. "Glad you finally admit it." I joked as she quickly ordered cotton candy.

I reached for her hand with one of mine while the other searched through my pants. I handed the guy a bill and didn't send a glance to my ex girlfriend. I knew she was staring at me but I just thanked him and turned around as she followed me.

"I can pay for my own shit." she pointed out as I saw her lick her lips from the corner of my eyes. "But thank you. I also almost forgot how much of a gentleman you are. Well, in public, because in the bedroom you're-"

"Oh god stop!" I laughed, turning to her this time and noticing the large smile on her face.

She laughed too and I rolled my eyes as we walked to an other booth. No matter what we did together, it was always fun and it made me realize just how bad I wanted to really be with her again.

"So if I win you this pink bear right there, are you gonna sleep with it?" I asked with a smirk.

She tilted her head but moved her chin up and I kept looking at her as her eyes got smaller. She brought her finger and tapped her chin a few times, pretending to think and I rolled my eyes again at how dramatic she could get. I should have known she'd be a good actress.

"Yea definitely." she finally replied with a nod. "He'll sleep right between us so I can cuddle with him."

I raised my eyebrows and my head moved back. "Well in that case, I think we're just gonna try a few rides and leave him here."

I put my hands in my pockets and pretended to leave until she reached for my arm. "Noo, no, I will leave him on the nightstand when I'm with you."

I stopped and smiled big, amused by her behavior and finally turned back to her before nodding slowly. "Alright."

It took me 3 tries but I finally got it and handed it to her. Her smile got bigger and I could swear I saw a hint of red on her cheeks but I didn't mention it. She grabbed it and held it close to her as she was nibbling her bottom lip and she mumbled a 'thank you' that made me chuckle.

"You could have just paid to get it you know." she pointed out after a few seconds. "It would have costed you a few dollars but you didn't have to really play the game."

"Wouldn't have been the same would it?" I shrugged, sending her a wink. "Wouldn't have been as romantic." I made a pause. "And cheesy."

She laughed and my heart jumped in my chest, almost escaping from my throat. She kept the damn bear with her in all the rides, holding it between her thighs and even if she was not a big fan of rides, we did a few gentle ones. It's only when it was really dark outside that I noticed how she was looking at all the lights. She grabbed her phone and started taking pictures before turning to me and snapping one of me. It took me by surprise but I pulled her closer and grabbed her phone before taking a selfie of us. I took a look at it and held my breath when I looked at her. Her hair was a mess, her eyes were shut tight and her nose was up, and it reminded me of a selfie she had sent me when we were dating and I was traveling Asia. I quickly sent myself the picture from her phone and handed it back to her.

We remained in silence and kept walking. I had to leave my hands in my pockets to make sure I wouldn't just bring her close to me and when she pointed the ferris wheel, I raised my eyebrows at her.

"I thought I was cheesy but you're the queen."

"How about you be me king and come with me? I'd love to kiss you without anyone seeing." she admitted in a very low tone. "You in?"

"People normally go there for the incredible sight we get at the top."

"I have an incredible sight right here, in front of me." she confessed, making me chuckle. "Please, Niall."

I was just playing with her, there was nothing I wanted more than to kiss her at the exact moment, and it seemed like it took forever until we were at the top. I watched the dark sky and all the neon lights around the fair for a few seconds before turning to her and quickly kissing her. I felt all my body relax, like I had been waiting for this moment all day, and when she whimpered in my mouth, I groaned too, holding her cheeks with both my hands. When we started going back down, I stopped kissing her but leaned my forehead against hers, still cupping her face. We finally got out of the ride and that's when trouble started. I noticed someone take a picture and my heart skipped a beat.

"What the..."

"What's wrong?"

"Fuck, Liv, we have to go." I whispered, grabbing her arm gently and leading her to the exist as quick as I could.

I glanced behind us until we were in my car and started it, driving away from that place and looking in the rear view mirror a few times. I only relaxed when I was sure we were not followed and noticed she was staring at me, her head leaned on the seat.

"I'm sorry." I let out with a sad smile.

"Are you doing this for me?" she asked, blinking a few times and ignoring my apology. "I mean I know you don't like to be seen in public and pictures being taken and all, but did you leave quickly like that because I'm supposed to marry someone else and you were scared people would talk shit?"

"Mostly, yea." I just admitted as I brought my eyes back on the road.

We remained silent for a few minutes and I had no idea what was going on in her head until I heard her voice again.

"I love you, Niall Horan."

                                                ----

We were exhausted when we came back to my place and I just rushed to the kitchen to pour us two glasses of white wine. She followed me, putting her pink bear on the table as I handed her a glass. She drank half of it but she weirdly seemed serene and calm. I thought she'd go crazy knowing that someone had taken a few pictures of us but she didn't seem to care at all. It's not like she was not used to it but at the same time, she never liked it and it always bothered her, making her current behavior even more intriguing.

"Okay, tell me, I'm ready." she just said after exhaling deeply. I frowned at her and she pressed her lips together. "Tell me what you did that's so horrible while we were away from each other."

In the morning, she was the one who didn't want to talk about it and now, it was me. Perhaps I just didn't want to ruin such a perfect day. I pulled a chair and let myself fall on it but instead to sit in front of me, she sat at the end of the table and turned her chair sideways to face me. I took my glass and moved it a bit only to watch the pale liquid move in it.

"I slept with some girls before I started dating Heidi, but I couldn't find what I was looking for until I met this girl at a bar. She was shaped like you, had your hair color and your smile and in the dark, she could have been you, you know? I just... I let out your name while we were fucking and maybe I had to pay her to keep her mouth shut."

"Are you... sure she was not just a prostitute?"

I looked up at her with a small smile. "No."

"Oh." she pressed her lips together. "Was she as good as me?"

I chuckled sadly and shook my head. "No one is."

I remained silent for a minute or two, trying to make sense of my thoughts before continuing.

"I tried a few drugs. You know it was never my type but I needed to sort of... get away. One time Heidi had to pick me up at your old apartment because I was hitting the door and screaming your name in the middle of the night but you had already moved out." I scoffed at myself, I couldn't believe how pathetic I had been. "I'm not gonna get into details but I also started a fight in a pub. Just hit some arsehole that said something about you."

"What about me..."

"Something sexual that's clearly not worth repeating."

"It seems like you did many things that were out of character." she said cautiously. "But that's what you wanted, right? Try new things and just live your life? Why do you regret it?"

"Because nothing was worth losing you, Olivia." I admitted a little louder, looking up in her eyes as her face softened again. "I was miserable. I was a pathetic piece of shit. I know you probably think low of me now but I just, I had to tell you."

Her eyes dropped slowly to her lap and she nibbled on her bottom lip nervously. I waited, feeling suddenly anxious, scared that she'd just get up and leave, or tell me that she couldn't go on with me, but when she sniffed and rubbed her fingers on her nose, I realized she was crying.

"I remember when I saw the first picture of you and Heidi online. The article said you two were dating now and she was kissing you." she let out in a very low tone without looking at me. "I was alone at home and I started crying. It made me realize that it was really over, it made me believe that you were over me, that the problem was not that you wanted to be single, but just that you didn't want to be with me. I cried so hard I couldn't see straight and I just... I went to the bathroom and I..." she sighed and swallowed again, closing her eyes this time. "I just swallowed all the fucking pills I found. I swallowed them all and lied down on the floor for so long I couldn't keep track of time. All I can remember is the tiles being very cold and the stomachache. It was so intense I couldn't move and It was literally the only thing that stopped me from falling asleep."

I listened to her as my eyes watered. I felt nauseous but I just swallowed hard, feeling a big lump on my throat. I could barely believe what I was hearing. I hadn't heard anything about that and to me, she always seemed so happy when she was out with my friends, even after we broke up, it was hard to believe she was sad enough to do something like that.

"Louis found me. I remember he let out so many curse words, even for him. He searched for something but couldn't find anything to make me throw up so he just sat me up in front of the toilet and pushed his fingers down my throat. Nothing had ever hurt me like that. I think I threw up for a solid ten minutes." she added, shaking her head, her eyes still closed. "Then he called his doctor and he drove me there."

I was crying. I had actual tears rolling down my cheeks but I couldn't move. I felt angry and hurt but also extremely guilty.

"Why the fuck did you do that, Olivia?" my voice was a simple murmur and I swallowed again. The lump was so big that it hurt. "Do you... did you think about how sad everyone would have been, including me? You would have left me alone in this stupid world without you?"

This time, she looked up at me and I noticed she was crying too. When she saw my tears, her face changed but she just licked her lips and sniffed.

"You left me first."

Slowly, I got up, feeling very weak, my legs wobbling slightly. I knelt in front of her and put my hands on her knees, looking up in her eyes. I had been so close to lose her forever and I didn't even know. Why didn't anyone tell me? Why didn't Louis tell me anything?

"I don't want you to ever do that again, you hear me?" I tried to be firm but my voice cracked as I kept crying and suddenly, I burst into tears, leaning my forehead on her thigh. "Don't you fucking do that ever again." I added, my mouth pressed on her jeans.

I felt her hand slide gently in my hair and the contact of her skin with mine was soothing. I turned my head to lean my cheek on her thigh and catch some air as both of my hands gripped her tight.

"I'll never do it again, Niall. I was depressed, I took antidepressants after that, and I survived this." she explained low.

"Promise me, Olivia." I asked before looking up at her. "Look me in the eyes and promise me you will never fucking do that again, no matter what happens."

She held her breath and I knew she was on the verge of tears too. She finally nodded and I gripped her thighs harder.

"I promise, Niall. " she breathed. "I swear on my love for you."

[wellanthropologicallyspeaking]

trigger warning // abusive parents, emotional abuse

i might be one of only a few people who have been thru the experience of loving and trusting a parent(s) their whole lives, and in a matter of months have that trust utterly broken and the love that you felt for them lost.

context is, long story summarized, my mom put me thru a very tramuatic experience last year (on christmas no less) when she basically said she “disowned me as her child”. i cried and cried and the whole thing was horrible, she just shouted so much while my dad begged her to stop and calm down, and he tried to calm me down too and brought me food afterwards.

the context for this was basically, the christmas tree that i was decorating for hours the night before had fallen when i was downstairs looking for an extension cord, and its falling broke one of the ornaments from my childhood that i had painted myself while in kindergarten/first grade. it was so heckin pretty and i was so proud of it and hoenstly when i saw i broke, along with a few other beloved ornaments, i broke down.

december last year was filled with all kinds of shit that led me deeper and deeper ino my depression, and this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. while we cleaned up the tree with me sobbing intensely, my mom was all “i told you this would happen !!! you should have done what i said !!!” THAT’S what you say to your CRYING CHILD (i’m 20 but still im her child and you would expect a person to be more compassionate towards THEIR KID)??? instead of seeing that they’re obviously upset. this made me fucking pissed and i just stormed to my room, and declared that im not celebrating christmas this year. my mom forced me and coereced me to have christmas dinner, but i slipped away with a turkey leg and bread into my room, while she was fucking pissed in the other room.

the next day, we had the horrible aforemention argument, where we went over the christmas canceling thing and me not wanting to celebrate, but my mom also went on the thing that i didn’t want to take her vitamins anymore, and she was fucking pissed at me for that.

now, that makes no sense, but i have pretty bad acne, and my mom has *taken it upon herself* to treat my acne herself, even though i kept telling i didn’t want or ask for her help, but she’d just insult me and force/blackmail me to take them. this went on for over a year, and it sounds horrible on its own, but it actually didn’t change my opinion of her until last december.

her argument was “because you’re not taking the vitamins i gave you, it means 1) you want to ruin your skin permanenly (and she goes on about ONE lady she knows who has bad acne scars who i’ve never even met) 2) you want to HURT ME EMOTIONALLY because i worry about you and you having horrible skin makes me feel bad (this sounds kinda emphathetic from her side of things but trust me, the way she meant it felt more like im some kind of experiement to her who she needs to fix and when she can’t “fix” me, she feels bad instead of ever considering MY FEELINGS)”

anyways that whole load of bullshit resulted in me arguing with her, and eventually led to her threatening to disown me while i sat sobbing so fucking uncontrollably, which i think was the only time since maybe i was a baby that i had ever cried so much and so hard. she eventually said, in not so many words, fuck you and im disowning you, while i was left shattered in a pool of my own tears.

it took me WEEKS to recover from the emotional turmoil that experience brought me, and i could never look her in the eye again.

about a month later, my dad would end up driving me to college instead of my mom (bc im a 20 year old american who still doesn’t know how to drive whoops) and over the months of the semester, he’d share things about how bad this lawsuit is that my mom’s waging against our neighbor (wholeeee other kettle of fish that i won’t get into here) and how it was stressing him out and using up precious time, money, and energy that he had. he also mentioned the whole lawsuit cost 40K to manage up to that point, bc my parents had been doing it for about 5 years and that’s the total sum it cost over those 5 years. i was fucking shocked bc, i remeber years back even BEFORE the lawsuit when i saw my mom google “free colleges” for me to attend when i’d graduate, bc she said college “was too expensive”. i mean yea that’s true but there’s a good college here that i want to go to that’s 6K a year?? like if you add it up, my time at college would cost LESS than the 40K wasted on this lawsuit AND we’d deffo have money left over for house repairs, of which our house needs a million. but nah, my mom’s priorities is that we need to waste 40K on a lawsuit for a plot of land on our drive way the size of a desk. size of a DESK. im not fucking kidding here, i wish i was bc its so ridiculous.

then later i learned that my mother (who i already knew had disowned her first daughter, what a shocker) had as a sort of “punishment” to her first daughter, aka my half sister, to take her piece of their apartment back that is in Russia. my dad said we could compromise on the money and get about 50K to pay for the downpayment for our house here, but my mom was s u r e she could “win” her case and get 300K for her share, which my dad said was near impossible and could put my half sister and her family in danger, bc apparently money handling in russia is risky business and people get killed for that sorta money.

my mother didn’t give a shit. about the actual reality of the situaion or the pain/danger she was putting my sister and her family thru. she could shit a turd and give more of a shit about that than her own daughter.

anyways all this and more that i learned, as well as the trauma she put me thru in december, made me open my eyes to the monster i had truly been living with. i finally learned how horrible, twisted, selfish, and cold blooded she was, and knew she could never have held any love for me. the mother i had known my whole life was a lie, and that lie shattered before my eyes.

this went on far too long (probably bc it shows i need therapy ahahaha i still haven’t dealt with this have i) but the message i want to share here is, if you’ve been in a situation where your parents have turned out to not be the person you thought they were, and the love you felt for them and the trust you had in them had shattered overnight, i want to say i know how you feel.

when that happens, everything that was normal with your parent(s) becomes abnomal. you go to share with them something you’re excited about, but you realize you can’t. you think about that yearly event you both go to but realize you can never go together again. it might not even be because they won’t allow it (my mom has “forgiven” me and thinks we’re alright again, as if december was “nothing”) but because you know in your heart that the person you did those things with is gone. they were really never there to begin with, because the whole thing was an act and the traumatic expriences you went thru made you see their true colors. and you see that their true colors are ugly as fuck.

those pauses when you realize that you can’t ever be the same around your parent as you once was, those times when you’re forever locked up to them because you won’t allow them in, when you feel guilty that you haven’t forgiven them and that its somehow your duty as their child to forgive them, i’m not here to say that you should open up, but that you should not open up to them. don’t ever feel like you are obligated to open up to them or “forgive” them. they hurt you and they broke your trust and made you experience horrible trauma that’s hard to come back from. just because they’re your family doesn’t mean you must forgive them.

there’s this societal norm that we’re surrounded by that in order to overcome and deal with trauma, you have to forgive the people who hurt you. in my opinion, i think that couldn’t be farther from the truth. if you are a person who finds it easist to deal with their pain by forgiving those who hurt you, i’m not bashing you; more power to you for being able to forgive, especially when i can’t do the same. however, forgiveness is touted as this “cure all” that people should use to forgive everyone who’s ever hurt you. that cannot be true because what works for one person does not necessarily work for the next. one person may be able to deal with their trauma with forgiveness, and another person cannot do the same. i believe that you shouldn’t have to forgive those who hurt you, especially when you don’t feel strong enough to or feel any love/trust in them after they’ve hurt you. i can accept that what happened, happened, and that what my mother did to me happened, and that it affected me terribly and left me with emotional scars that will be hard to heal from, but i cannot call her my mom anymore or forgive her for what she did to me.

i do feel tinges of guilt sometimes because, i think, of this societal norm that you should forgive everyone, and i feel that coming from my place as a daughter, that i have some obligation to forgive my mother based on what society tells you. you may feel the same too, that you feel guilty for not forgiving your family and that if you were a better person you would forgive them. im here to say that that’s bullshit. you may feel guilty for not forgiving your family but that’s not some sign that you actually should forgive them or that you deeply down want to forgive them, it just means that you feel guilt because of what society has drilled into you. its okay to feel guilty about not forgiving your family and still not forgive them at the same time !! i feel like this sometimes, but i still know that the trauma my mother put me thru and the lies i uncovered about her make me realize that i can never forgive her. if you’re not emotionally strong enough to forgive someone, if you don’t feel the same love or trust in someone as you once did and so are unable to forgive them, i just want to say, its okay not to forgive them !! this isn’t some kind of contest that you have to win, you don’t have to feel like you’re a weak or bad person for not forgiving someone, bc our ways for coping with trauma are all different !!

in my opinion, i think trying to forgive or keep people in your life who are obviously terrible is not healthy in the long run. my mom is still doing the shitty things that are similar to what i described earlier, and i now know that she’s still just the same horrible, selfish, cold blooded person she always was; she was just under a mask. me forgiving her or tolerating her now won’t magically turn her into a good mom !! she’ll always be shitty and its healthier for me to just cut her out of my life as much as i can (while im still living at home with both that parents, and me being unable to drive, that is proving very difficult). it’s just better to cut out toxic people from your life and surround yourself with healthy people who will help you grow and thrive. it’s kinda like what marie kondo says,

(yea im an organizing nut but her book has really helped me organize the house, and i think organizing is kinda my coping mechanism, i spent so much time after december doing a full rehaul of the house that i had never done before, because i think i wanted to regain control of my life in some part as a way to cope for all the shit i went thru)

you should only keep things (or people) that “spark joy”. anything or anyone that doesn’t “spark joy” for you, you’re allowed to remove from your life : )

[pouchesandwlkmans]

Try

Characters: Yondu, Reader, Kraglin

Pairings: Yondu x Reader

Rating: M

Word Count: 1321

Warnings: Angst, mentions of miscarriage, lots of pent of emotion

A/N: I came up with this while half asleep lol! My brain goes angst when I’m dozing off. Do enjoy, and let this be an apology for my inactivity.

You were ignoring each other again. The two of you had broken down to that. To ignoring each other despite how in love the two of you had been just months earlier.  You weren’t sure how it had gotten so bad.

All you knew was he wouldn’t look at you anymore.

There was no communication. There was little to no interaction anymore. You had moved all your things back to your quarters on the Eclector, and it hurt. It hurt knowing the man you loved could be in the same room with you and never acknowledge your presence. It hurt to know the love the two of you once shared was gone, though you still cared so deeply for him.

“That’s it,” Kraglin stated, causing you and Yondu to jump out of your skins. “This ends now.”

“Kraglin, the hell ya goin’ on about,” Yondu demanded, but he soon found himself being drug down the hall. Both of you were, really. For a scrawny guy, Kraglin had some strength to him, and you could tell there was going to be a bruise on your arm from how hard he was gripping it.

“You two were thicker than anything in the universe and now this,” Kraglin pointed out. “I have had enough!”

He shoved the two of you into a small cell and shut the door. “Now TALK!”

You could only stare, jaw hanging, as he stormed off, having relieved Yondu of all the override codes before he did. Ballsy little shit. And while he had the best of intentions, this wouldn’t work. Yondu’s actions the past month had said more than enough.

You stormed to the back of the tiny cell and stared out the window, listing as Yondu tried his best to open the door. Then he started shouting. That’s was one new development. He was always shouting, always angry. And even when things were good, he never seemed truly happy.

And that was probably your fault anyway.

“Ya scrawny fuck,” he screamed before kicking the door, his implant glowing. “Imma make ‘im pay fer this!” You rolled your eyes, but kept staring out the window. “Look, we’s stuck in ‘ere till his ass comes back.”

“Not my problem,” you snapped back. “I’m not the one who basically became ten times grouchier.”

“She speaks,” he announced, his voice dripping with venom. “Finally gone admit I’m ‘ere?” You shot him a glare.

“Three months,” you snarled. “Three months, and you’ve barely even looked at me! Now I’m stuck in here with you!” He snorted and turned to the door.

“Shoulda known ya’d feel dat way,” he grumbled.

“Look, just tell me what I did to cause this,” you growled. “Tell me why we went from being unable to be away from each other to being unable to stand each other.” He stayed silent, but you could see his fists clenched. “Gods dammit, Yondu, tell me!”

“Ain’t important.”

“If we’re going to keep this ship running like the well-oiled machine she is, yes, it is.”

“No, it ain’t! The fuck ya want from me?”

“The truth!”

“Ya want the truth,” he shouted, storming to stand toe to toe with you. “Then I’ll give ya the truth!”

You stared into his eyes, trying to ignore the flood of relief. Just having him this close again took the edge off your rage, but you wanted to hear what he had to say.

“The truth is no, I can’t look at ya! I can’t stand bein’ near ya! Cause I ain’t good enough fer ya!”

You blinked in surprise, but he continued.

“When ya told me ye were pregnant, I didn’ know to ta feel. I ain’t no good at rasin’ kids. Part o’ me wanted to set ya up in Zandar and let ya raise ‘em without me. But part o’ me knew that wasn’t right.”

You finally noticed the emotions in his eyes. The hurt, the regret, the anger, the self-loathing. Christ, had he been holding all of this in? Was this why he was always so irritable?

“An’ then… we lost ‘im. Walkin’ in ta our room, seein’ ya in the shower like dat…” He looked away quickly, and you finally spoke.

“It hurt you too,” you murmured.

“I realized then dat I’m an ass,” he continued. “Ya want kids. An’ a family. An’ I’m too damn selfish ta even try. I ain’t good ‘nuff fer ya, and I ain’t gonna keep actin’ like I am. So if ya wanna get off at Contraxia and forget I exist, I won’t blame ya.”

You gently cupped his cheek, relieved when he didn’t pull away.

“Yondu, look at me,” you requested. He shook his head softly. “Yondu Udonta, look at me. Please.”

His eyes met yours, swimming with a few new emotions. Fear, hurt, loneliness. It was as if he already knew you would disembark and never come back.

But you couldn’t. Despite everything, you couldn’t leave him behind if you tried. He had become your everything, and you could tell that he felt the same. His world revolved around you, and weren’t entirely sure what he would do if you ever left.

“I’m not going anywhere, Yondu. I’m yours. Now and forever. I know it’s been hard, but we can salvage this. Us. And if we never have a family, that’s okay. As long as I have you, that’s all that matters.”

His eyes filled with tears before he pulled you into a tight hug. Your arms wrapped around his neck, all but clinging to him. And everything felt okay again. Just standing there, holding each other. You knew this was a new beginning for the two of you. And the two of you would find your new normal.

“Sorry I pulled away from ya like I did,” he mumbled into your neck, and you kissed his head.

“Neither of us knew what to do,” you soothed. “But we’ll get through this. Together.”

He nodded just as Kraglin returned to unlock the door.

A few months had went by. You and Yondu were finally getting back to some level of normal. And for the first time since that horrible night when everything came crashing down, he was smiling again. You had given up keeping it a secret, as well. The whole crew knew, but had been respectfully keeping their mouths shut.

It was late, and you and him were the only ones still up, just enjoying the quiet of the bridge. You were sitting in his lap, your head resting on his shoulder. And everything felt so right. So perfect.

“Hate ta admit it, but ye were right,” he murmured. “We got through it. An’ now look at us.” You smiled and kissed him softly.

“I knew we would,” you smiled. “I knew we’d be okay. We really should thank Kraglin, though, for locking us in that cell.”

“Yeah, the scrawny fuck did have th’ right idea. Even if ‘e pissed me off. Kept me from lettin’ the best thang to ever happen ta me slip away.” You giggled.

“There’s even better news, though.” He raised an eyebrow. “Yondu... I’m pregnant. And I know it’s scary, what with what happened last time, but-“

He kissed you deeply, and you quickly kissed him back. And this time, you knew that he wanted this. He wanted a family with you. He wanted to have children with you, and you would give him as many as your body could handle.

“We ain’t gotta tell a soul. Not till ya feel ready to. I’ll do anythang ta help, doll. Jus’ say th’ word an’-“

“Yondu. Relax. I’m roughly two months along. Another month and we’ll know that we’re in the clear.” He smiled, his eyes shining with the love you felt in your heart.

“Damn, I’m th’ luckiest fucker in da galaxy,” he pointed out, and you kissed his cheek.

“No, I am. Cause I’ve got you.”

[smoothconcreteandperkysunsh-blog]

Eugh.

Why do we feel the need to do updates when we haven't been on an app for damn near a year? Anyway-

Doing better health-wise. Lungs aren't falling apart so much anymore, I'm coughing up much less gunk and I can breathe better again. I'm going to take this opportunity to try and not be so doom minded anymore. I figure as corny and cliché as it is to be so happy in the face of a much shorter life expectancy, I may as well try to make something of it for others before I die.

I think that's what most people fear when they really think and realize it too. It could be dying alone, or in front of their lover, or without ever getting to say their proper goodbyes to their lover. However all of that is rooted so deeply in the memories that those two have created with each other.

Getting tangential, I'll bring it back around. I've just got some things I need to write out of my head.

I lost the girl of my childhood's adoration recently to very selfish and self-centered desires and idealogies on her behalf. I decided to let her take reigns if her own decisions and she decided I didn't to be a part of her life to be fulfilled or happy as a person. I felt entirely abandoned and dropped off yet; From the very first moment we met on the swingset at Knox Elementary School in Chandler, Arizona I knew I wanted to be with her and make a life with her and maybe even a kid or two after we got the fuck out of the desert we were in and maybe even get our own house with a bunch of animals and a pool and all the cheesy shit that makes a lump form in your throat and cry when you say it out loud, fuck me dude.

I really thought through all of the California shit we could finally grow old and grey together and for the past 3 years we fucking were dude. We ran through the the streets at night together, ran our fingers through each others hair, held each other and felt each other in such sensual, non-sexual ways, we learned each others minds and bodies, we learned each others inner thoughts about the world around us. We went out to the desert where the surface streets ended and just stared up at the night sky in each others presence. We literally owned the night and no one had more fun with each other than we did, fight me over it. We laughed and cried together, watched our friends leave us and find others together, watched fires and floods together, been on top of and beside each other, rolled on the floor like we were ferrets together. Made love and didnt just fuck each other, unless we both knew we wanted it. And when we did, we knew the difference between the physical and mental meshing and bonding of a body and spirit, and pure primal and corporeal pleasure. We knew each others flaws and utmost weaknesses and we never went at them just to feel dominant to the other. We just, lived and loved together.

But now that's all gone. Has been for almost two months now.

Now I don't know if I should take the chance on my love life anymore. Not so much out of cowardice and the fear of being hurt. Neither of those feelings exist within what I recognize to be the core of my being anymore. She took those with her when she left. In many ways you could say she's made me more immune to feeling things than I ever was before we got together.

Which in itself is an oxymoron but like... What else is there to say to describe when you were born into this world with an innate sense of ambivalence towards others and literally only two people have ever stuck out among the hundreds you've come into pass with? With outstanding exception none the less.

I can say shamelessly that I've been with someone just for the sexual gratification of feeling desired by another but only because it was with just that one. And God damn did I learn my lesson with being with someone without feeling for them. Her name was Ariela and I was literally a God to her. She was submissive to a fault. Not to mention very co-dependant on penis being in her to have any sense of self value or worth. I did everything in my power at the time to help her mentally and help her become better as a person morally and value-wise. She didn't want it. She wanted to be the center of pity and negative attention at every chance so she could feel justified in snapping back at the slightest resistance to anything she held valuable. She drained me of too many necessary emotions that I needed to have about me to function as a young man and it absolutely had a hand in pulling me away from my friends in California.

And yet as sad and regressive as it is. I don't know if I can properly explain it, but I do still have love to spare within me for another. Im more than willing to create memories with this outstanding individual. She probably knows it but is significantly more than likely no longer interested in a future with me if ever at all to begin with. And I know this. And I don't have any say in changing that because if I'm being honest with myself she's literally the closest thing to a perfect human being in terms of intelligence, awareness and compassion for other outstanding humans that I have ever been graced with a "Hey" by; And I'm literally just a plain-faced caveman in comparison. And like, that's life. I fucked up on my end more than enough times than she should ever have to put up with from a friend.

All of that said, we never communicated properly what was in our heads about how we felt specifically about each other. We both were afraid of certain aspects of changing a friendship and out of that fear we- well, I cant speak for her but I- know that I decided to be passive and on the sidelines when I should've been more, well less of a bitchy and emotionally needy teenager about everything. Not so much making any moves in terms of making myself stand out amongst a literal crowd of others that were vying for her genuine attention. But out of all that I learned that I needed to be more of a man amidst the boys I was also around.

The adults in my life have always pointed out that I'm more mature than others in my generation, yet when it came time to BE the more mature amongst the others in my generation I failed. Failed hard. Failed so hard I doubled down on the bitchy and emotional-ness and more or less let those particular people in California try to live their lives like I'd never been in them, just as they were before I moved to California.

And I think it was then and there that I realized it. The being remembered thing.

I've had friends, and friends of friends, and "best" friends all come on to me, sexually. As in the dance with no pants variety of coming on to me. And I shut them down, dead in their fat assed, busty tracks. Because for one, I didnt want the sex. I wanted the connection, affection and attention. And two, the feelings for my childhood love and at-the-time crush (God I hate and love that word, it really truly does only work for highschool sweethearts doesn't it?). And all of those particular people were able to pass me up and drop me after the sex was denied. They didn't want to remember me, they wanted to remember the novelty of the orgasms and fleshly pleasure I gave them in the taboo of the social circles we were in. One in particular I knew just wanted to fuck me to piss off another, and that stuck out in my mind.

My point being! Those people haven't talked to me since I moved and those people didnt talk to me when I was there. They lacked a fear of not being remembered that I think the two mentioned far above did. I know that for a fact about Desiree. But I could be entirely wrong about the California girl in every which way, but ya know what dude? When you sit and watch sunsets with a guy every day for almost 3 weeks in a row and most of that time is spent talking about each others day, what's going on in our lives and awkward arm-over-the-shoulder cuddling; Spend a large number of nights watching anime and poking each other, spending many an overnights conversation with each other in person and over the phone. It's kind of bass ackwards to say there wasn't a flicker of something going on there.

And for me, those two are always going to be quite literally burned into my memory above others. Not all of them, more like aside from them. Congruent if you will. Because we made unintentionally or otherwise, very potent memories. On my end they did at least. See that there? That's what the purest and most potent form of fear inside an eternally broken man's heart looks like on paper. Well, screen.

Uncertainty.

Indiscernability of the soul.

Not really knowing. Anymore or to begin with.

These things literally kill us every day. Inside and out. Not risking the pain, not seeking the truth. Being afraid of losing and tarnishing a connection with someone you say you can love shouldn't be allowed-

Is what I would've said had I never gotten to feel what I knew was true love with the love of my life. If I hadn't been given a genuine shot with an outstanding and beautiful in every aspect individual. If I hadn't been given the chance to fuck up, I wouldn't have been given the chance to feel. This is equivalent exchange at its finest and if I could tell you both face to face, our time with and around each other was not a faustian bargain. Because even if I didn't get the future I envisioned with one of you, and another any future at all. I still got memories that will never not be a part of me and if I can offer you two anything,

You wont be forgotten. You will be remembered. So no longer live your lives with the fear of not being. It's an enormous weight off of your conscience.

[landuselover]

THE FINAL ACT- My Married Boyfriend Got his Girlfriend Pregnant - Part I’m finally Done

I was moving pass the pain of falling back in love with this man and then breaking up with him during the most stressful time of the year for me my Birthday. But honestly it was better than waking up daying him and not understanding why he hasn’t reached out to me which was really a majority of the year we were hot and heavy together.

I just kept thinking why he had to say I love you to me, why did he have to act like I was so expendable for 7 days, Why the fuck did he feel like it was okay to play me for so long till I found out he was fucking married. Shit why did it even matter I was choosing myself and you know I had  Great birthday with very good friends of mine.  

Then 9/9 came along just a somewhat spiritual day you know the same numbers bullshit just about 7:00 pm I get text message on my phone. I miss you, im so confused, Tell jimmy I say Hi, I got zapped last week and had heat stroke and passed out at work. So sorry I hurt you.

WHAT the FUCK is this BULL SHIT. I told myself are you fucking Kidding me!!! I SWEAR TO GOD HOW DID THIS MOTHER FUCKING NOT UNDERSTAND he is on a daily breaking my heart so why the fuck would I let him back and you know what I am gonna tell him what is going. I call him right now.

He didn’t answer. I message back, see you can text but you can never talk Typical. Well I got a call right back and an answer I have no idea to expect.

Shannon, I did everything you asked of me, No I don’t have a divorce date with my wife, cuz that is fucking realistic. I told you fucking loved you cuz I do, I don’t know how to make you happy, I could of gone home and seen my kids sooner.l could of gone home and see my kids sooner and I came and saw you and then you fucking dump me Ya im freaking pissed. Because I don’t understand how this happened. And you know im fucking tired so I don’t know what you tell you. Soo Good Night Shannon!

It was the quickest 2 minute phone call that I had ever experience and it was the first time I have ever experience someone caring so much to yell at me to get me back.. Wow as I write that I can smell that abuse in my past. But it was true it felt me like holy fucking shit I have broken up with this guy multiple times with multiple ultimatums but everything he came back and this time is screamed his love at me.

I texted him I understood where he was coming form and that I am sorry he felt that I didn’t appreciate his commitment to coming to see me. I told him I hope he got some food and started to feel better. And that we will talk soon. He said he was leaving for Hawaii Sunday. I told him I would talked to him then.

Of course we texted but he didn’t call me till Monday when was officially locked in his room awaiting quarantine. I asked him how he was doing. How he was feeling and he asked what changed.

I said I made my decision in a tunnel and I saw you side of the situation What I was asking for didn’t make any since. I knew you didn’t pick a date that you were gonna file for divorce. I Was a child of divroce I understand a lot of things happened before that. And a few months back he had told me that he was well on the way and that they had talked about it. So I said it out loud and asked him to confirm and repeat me, Patrick, you are going to divorce your wife next year.

Yes Shannon I want to.

No Patrick want isn’t what I said. Im in this for you not to be the other woman,

Shannon, I am going to divorce my wife next year.

Well Shit, I guess we can talk as long as that is truly the case.

He stood and started dancing. He was smiling so big.

So we are back together? Yea, Well I Love you.

I love you too, I said. Ugh I can’t believe this. He showed himself in the mirror dancing all over the room, He was stuck in his room for the next 7 days. I was so excited to be able to talk this through with im for a bit. It was mid September, and he was gonna be back in La around beginning of November so I could probably see him then, We talked about that too.

I got off the phone and still felt really werid and talking to him again. TYPING THIS IM GETTING A PIT IN MY STOMACH . I was excited to have someone to talk to but I still couldn’t get all the thoughts from before out of my head when he wasn’t talking to me. When I found out he was on an anniversary trip while he was gone. Getting his cake and eating it too.

The next two days were like normal he even sent me the cutest photo of smoking out of the gift I got him. The Puffco peak, he was shirtless it was absolutely amazing. It made me feel more at home with talking to him and then he went silent again.

It was like I expected it but he was actually locked up in a hotel room in Hawaii before shooting some terrible MTV reality tv shows where they all get to fuck each other during this crazy COVID ness. But I thought I should give him some space.  

Finally I called me Sunday and he answered. Ohh Shit, He was out of his room and working, Call you later babe. Alright call you soon. It was excalty a month after he has seen me before and a year after he left me in LA ohh shit.what memories that brought up.

I didn’t hear from him till a few days later. I honestly had given up thinking of reason. It was a Monday.

Good New Bad news, Im gonna be a dad a again

WOW.

I know you didn’t want to hear this, I am so sorry Shannon, I never want to lie to you and I just found out and I couldn’t keep it from You,

Well I am glad you didn’t keep it form me, But Patrick, I am done, I can’t do this anymore,

I wish I was you.

I am heartbroken,

please don’t hate me

I can’t hate you but what I am just susposed to say my married boyfriend got his wife pregnant no big deal.

No, it isn’t okay, IM so sorry.

I blocked him two days later and realized so much that I said before I was a lie, I did fucking hate him, because all he did was lie to me, If he got his wife pregnant that everything he every said to me was a lie, You aren’t gonna get divorce next year, you aren’t going to ever sleep next to me for more two nights in a row. You will never say I love you to my face again.

I couldn’t decide what type of fish he was, if he was a selfish, Careless or reckless. I was so thankful, I couldn’t. It exactly two months after he came and saw me and I blocked his and his wives Instagram from all mine. She just announced her pregnancy. She has been pregnant since the beginning of July, You know what that means that is before he even emailed me about how he couldn’t stop thinking about me and needed me in his life, before he even came and saw me in Colorado for our romantic vacation. What the Fuck, did he know before how couldn’t he, the whole situation is the most fucked and im so glad to be out of it. But as I write this my throat get dry and started to hurt, my eyes well with tears. Because I really loved him, A lot I’ved never been more vulnerable with someone, I’ve never had a man say I love you first or even really I love you as freely as he did to me, Maybe that was the reckless part, I’ve never had a man tell me how beautiful I was and talked to me every day for a year caring or myself that was the carless part.

The Selfish part was both of us. It was me forgetting everything I stand for after I heard a few sweet nothing and a whole lot of lies, He was him bring me along for a ride he knew he was going to jump off at the most convenient time for him. He told me I at least give him that. But fuck he sure didn’t tell me the rest of the lies.

The pit has moved to my heart and I guess I gotta say goodbye finally to the man who became y muse, when you broke me I built up a creative way to let out those emotions, it made me feel confident to write again. As tears fall down my face im thanful for your kind words during a time when I needed them and sometimes you kind hands even thought there was nothing but lies allowing them their. I am ungrateful for the distrust you have given me in Men in General, when someone is texting you from a happy marriage or from the road, it makes you not believe anything you see, read or hear. Everyone has secrets and honestly im glad to air mine out finally. I was dooped and stay wayyyyyyyyy too long and wrote a few too many peoms about a man who did just that, Jump off the roller coaster or couldn’t pull out to save his god damn life, I guess everyone loves a cream pie, Well I am learning to make the best pies this side of the Mississippi and PATRICK Aint ever gonna get this pie again 

[nayeon-sadly-owns-me]

Welcome back to part 2 for Fool's Gold if you haven’t read that or part one then I suggest you do so or else you’ll be lost. This is my own interpretations so if you disagree please feel free to tell me your thoughts!! I would love to hear them : )

Arguably the longest breakdown I’ve ever written so if you need to stop and go get a drink or a snack then go for it.

Spoilers beyond here

We come back to a love stricken Jeongyeon, a distressed Sana, and an utterly distracted Momo. This is the part where we have gradually gone from the past to the present, where innocent kisses and hugs are no longer very innocent.

If you are not very familiar with Ultraviolet, Jeongyeon and Nayeon are mortal enemies. That makes Momo’s crush on Nayeon a very big issue for Jeongyeon and an even bigger deal for Sana. Another dynamic I wish I got to see more of was Jeongyeon and Nayeon.

Jeongyeon succeeded in showing us what an angry Momo looks like, something we have seen very little of. She is valuing her own emotions instead of bottling them up, something she doesn’t do with Sana. It both shows how important Nayeon has already become considering she is willing to walk away to cool off when Jeongyeon says something bad about her. It also shows how much she puts Sana in front of herself when she never does that to her.

Of course, Sana has to keep up the charade that she only sees Momo as a friend, even in the presence of Jeongyeon. She tries to blow it of as a harmless crush because she can’t see Nayeon actually pay Momo attention. It’s a subtle jab towards Momo, a way of rationalizing her jealousy over Momo liking Nayeon in order to make herself feel better. Sana would never tell that to her face though.

We get our first interaction between Sana and Nayeon. It includes a bathroom stall and an outing message about SaMo. My guess was that Eunha and her gang had everything to do with it. It’s extremely childish and very much a high school thing to do. It doesn’t make the pain of this scene decrease any less though.

Nayeon is the one to take care of the mess although up until now we have no idea why (unless you read ultraviolet of course). Nayeon clearly didn’t greet Sana with hospitality though. She was gonna say something snarky before she notices the writing. If I had to guess, I would say that Nayeon was utterly jealous of Sana. She was the one who got to know the ins and outs of the girl she had been secretly pinning after. The girl who was currently the subject of the gossip on the wall. It’s a sign that she cares about no one finding out about this as much as Sana does.

“I’m not doing it for you.” Is the piece of evidence needed that maybe she holds that grudge against her.  

Because the feeling that her crush on Momo is unattainable mirrors what Momo is feeling.

The next scene proves that Eunha did have something to do with the harassment. As someone who has watched someone be outed, it’s a personal relief to watch it end with no consequences. Even if Sana is clearly a walking rainbow with heart eyes for Momo.

It’s also the first time we see the little crush that Dahyun has on Sana. It’s a harmless little crush that probably would have died early on if the person it was on wasn’t Sana.

There is something about the mental image of Momo grinning and waving to Nayeon that makes me feel very guilt about being giddy about it. Although my primary ship is Namo, I am very attached to Samo too.

It makes the scene about Momo talking about her unrequited love for Nayeon just as painful as you know Sana feels that way about Momo. I remember reading it and feeling a crushing feeling, I wanted Sana to get her happy ending so badly because I know how this feels.

If the kisses and sex mean anything to Momo, by now anybody might come to the conclusion that Momo might be doing this because she wants to feel wanted. Being with Sana makes her feel wanted even if it’s not the kind that she wants. In a way, it might not be as innocent as it was originally intended to be.

Instead of talking, Sana proposes a party instead. This is high school after all.

Sana harmlessly flirts with Dahyun, Jeongyeon harmlessly talks about her girlfriends new friendship, and everyone else just tries to keep Jihyo from being a mess. It makes me wonder if they got caught with the alcohol when the teacher caught them.

It also makes me remember that Sana must think about Momo’s crush on Nayeon a lot considering how threatened she feels by it. Again, it feels like a subtle jab to talk about how Momo is out of her league. Not in a good way. She has twisted her thoughts into believing that Nayeon could never notice Momo, because she is Im Nayeon. It’s an unhealthy way of thinking that has grown from Sana believing she is the only one who is a match for Momo.

It doesn’t help when they spend all class turning each other on and try to have a quickie in the bathroom 5 minutes before class. Hormonal teenagers who want to show each other just how much they mean to them even if they’re just “friends”. When they’re having such an intimate and loving moment just laughing and kissing, it’s another moment that makes you really really REALLY want them to end up together. Tbh it’s tearing me apart to not root for them. You win this round Stormy.

The moment is broken up by a revelation that Bona is now solely in love with Xuan Yi, a girl who isn’t Jeongyeon. It’s awkward but it makes you realize that Bona legitimately didn’t mean to hurt her. That is until she takes the flight option and you remember just how cruel teenagers can be. Why stay when you can leave, it’s so easy right?

We get a pleasant reminder just how much of a bitch Nayeon can be, especially when it concerns Jeongyeon. They were made to piss each other off, no boundaries included. It makes sense that Jeongyeon takes her anger out on her, and it makes even more sense for Nayeon to be completely ready to fight back. It’s so mind-numbingly apparent just how different Nayeon is compared to Momo. The crush she has on her as never felt more bizarre than it did when Nayeon throws cocky words back into Jeongyeons face.

If Momo had been there, I wonder how differently it would have played out. Would Nayeon still cave because she lives for the drama, or would she have taken the high road?

We get context that Momo has been crushing on her for almost a year, it isn’t just a simple crush anymore. Sana recognizes it and so she tries to come to terms with it by telling Jeongyeon to behave. It is almost like she is saying that more to herself though. She almost gets there, but goes back on her previous words by reminding both her and Jeongyeon that Momo will move on soon.

It’s a total Sana move to cope with her feelings by seeking out the attention of others. Sana is a person who craves attention and applause because it makes her feel validated in a way that Momo doesn’t make her feel. It’s a selfish mindset as only just a few scenes ago Momo was ready to eat her out after trying to fuck her in class.

Maybe Momo has put Sana on a golden pedistal, maybe she feels guilty about kissing and touching Sana? Theres something about Momo saying she doesn’t deserve Sana that makes you feel like there is more to it. Whether it’s me over thinking it (probably) or Momo really does just love Sana that much.

I just want to say that Jeongyeon calling Mina, Mona, is still one of the funniest things to come out of Stomry’s work. It’s even better when Tzuyu gives everyone the idea that they should let Jeongyeon figure it out on her own. (Of course Mina + Bona = Mona and that sours the mood)

If I ever write about Ultraviolet, I’ll talk about the scene where Mina meets them the gang for the first time and all that goes with it.

What I WILL talk about is that Mina is the only one not caught up in her own emotions enough to notice that Nayeon looks at Momo too. Mina becomes a new outlet to Momo, one that I appreciate as a reader because it gives it new perspective. We get to see the depth of her affection when a simple shared look caused her soul to leave her body. It’s different from how she is with Sana where she is composed and in charge of her emotion.

It’s an obvious contrast to Momo’s shaken behavior where she is downright nervous at the idea of Nayeon walking towards her. She forgets how to talk in Korean and man what a cutie. I thoroughly believe that nobody can write Momo better than Stormy can. Nayeon would be a close second.

Spoiler alert: Nayeon knows Momo exists and suddenly Jeongyeon and Sana’s words lose the power it once had.

Momo is so beyond smitten with Nayeon, she praises the girl in ways she never did with Sana. With Sana it was always gentle words, but with Nayeon it’s large metaphors and hyperboles. She considers Nayeon’s presence to be in comparison to watching the universe expand because this marks the day that Momo has been changed by just such a small encounter.

Im a firm believer in the concept that even the smallest encounters can change a person’s life. Sana had hers with Momo, and Momo had hers with Nayeon.

It’s disheartening to see her two best friends naturally not share her enthusiasm because of their own reasons. This makes an impact on Momo because of how much she depends on their support. Wanting them to pretend like they’re happy is not them though, so you have to settle for what their reality is. It’s a reality where her best friends really don’t want her falling for Nayeon and it kinda hurts to see. I can’t argue with them though because they both have very sound reasons.

That impact doesn’t stay tangible for long when she has a literal run in with Nayeon. Full introduction and all. We get to see the different side of Nayeon, the kind and compassionate side. The encounter is so sweetly awkward that if you ship Namo you can’t help but grin. Momo had spent the better part of the second part being told she isn’t on Nayeon’s radar when she absolutely is. If you main Samo, this is the part that probably made the pain 10x worse, for that- here is a tissue.

It’s so naturally awkward that it really does feel realistic when Momo doesn’t talk to Nayeon while helping her with the books. When you spend so much time daydreaming scenarios and then actually have one happen, it’s a bit overwhelming. Momo does say she’s her dream girl and she means it. If she isn’t thinking about Sana, then she is probably thinking about Nayeon. Maybe those two should be switched now?

Nayeon makes her intentions known as to why she wanted Momo’s help, she wanted to get to know her. When Momo didn’t indulged her, it’s no wonder that maybe she was deflating because of false hopes. If you know anything about Fool’s Gold Momo, it’s that she’s a people pleaser.

Even if it means stuttering that Nayeon being pretty is the reason.

Nayeon has to test the waters to make sure that Momo doesn’t hate her like Jeongyeon does (and Sana although that’s a blurred line). Insight that this is why she hasn’t approached her before. Nayeon has a jealous streak, hating Momo’s friends for being able to make Momo happy is probably a plausible reason to her.

Sana telling herself not to worry about Momo being in detention screams foreshadowing.

We get more HBIC Nayeon to Softy Nayeon when it comes to realizing Momo is in the room. Going from ‘Do I really have to?’ to ‘If you don’t want to come back I can totally understand’. She is much better at being subtle than Sana even by just an inch.

They’re finally talking and it’s a positive step in the right direction for Momo. This is a girl that generally cares about what Momo has to say regardless of her cold attitude to everyone else. They say that when you’re smitten with someone, their hobbies become your favorite thing. When Nayeon shares her love for doodling with Momo, it’s like she shared a secret with her.

Momo tells her that she likes Spongebob, for anyone who has somehow forgotten, she shared her first kiss with Sana while watching an episode of Spongebob. That is why it holds fond memories despite being forgotten about.

We don’t know what Nayeon was going to say to Momo, maybe it was an invitation to see her again, maybe it was a confession? We don’t have to ponder about it for long because Momo is the one to initiate that they should see each other again. She wants Nayeon to become a constant thing in her life, much like how Sana is.

Clearly the encounter had made Nayeon feel something too the way she withdraws in order to not make anything look suspicious when the teacher returns. Nayeon makes it clear that Momo can come see her whenever she wants, it’s a heartwarming moment that confirms that Momo’s unattainable crush is actually just around the corner within reach at any moment. If only it wasn’t also the way Sana see’s Momo.

Up until now, Sana and Momo have been attached to the hip, but now Momo is starting to move away. It’s unintentional, but it doesn’t make it less relevant because it leaves Sana wondering where she’s been. They haven’t been talking and that is new for them. What else is new is that Momo doesn’t kiss Sana back.

Because of her growing feelings for Nayeon, it makes sense that she doesn’t want to engage in intimate activities with a girl that isn’t her. Except this creates a problem because Sana and Momo have always had intimacy involved in their relationship. It is what keeps Sana grounded and without that, it leaves Sana confused and doubtful. We start to see Sana’s downfall, it feels almost uncomfortable to read because we watched their relationship grow into what it is present time.

It’s very rare that a relationship forms between someone and their dream girl because we can make them out to be much more than what they really are. However, Momo has dealt with it well. She has seen her good side and has kept her expectations low so that she can see Nayeon for who she truly is. The idea of heartbreak does not faze her because she really does like Nayeon and not in a superficial kind of way.

You might not like Nayeon because she ‘ruined’ Samo, but you can’t say that she didn’t treat Momo like she deserved. Something that Sana can’t truly claim unfortunately.

Their music preference shows just how different Nayeon and Momo are. Nayeon’s taste is more soft and aesthetically pleasing while Momo likes up beat music that gets her out of her own head. The best part is that, they embrace the difference in music style and found a way to appreciate both. Nayeon creates a playlist so that she can never forget what song Momo has requested. It’s possible that she made it so that she can think about any hidden meanings that Momo might have implied when recommending them.

Nayeon drawing a heart while giving a speech about Bona telling her that she was following her heart. She is a smooth mother fucker and if Momo didn’t want to marry her then I would openly be volunteering. Momo is innocent though, especially after spending months thinking that theres no way Nayeon could ever see her like that, if at all. Nayeon spells it out and seals it with a kiss to her cheek. We don’t know Momo’s reaction, but we can guess that she probably combusted into hearts.

Another sign of trouble between Momo and Sana is that Momo didn’t even want to explain about the heart on her arm. She didn’t want to talk about how Nayeon basically confessed her feelings or how Momo must be feeling like she’s flying. It all goes back to the withdrawn emotions that Sana showed Momo when Nayeon started to become a bigger deal. When you are falling for someone, you want to be able to openly gush about it without being told that you’re stupid for it. We’re now starting to see the effect of Sana’s lack of enthusiasm. We, as the reader, know why but Momo does not.

Momo draws to distract herself, when Nayeon enters the room, she no longer needs a distraction. Nayeon has gradually become something that keeps her awake and happy, something that Sana use to claim. Momo isn’t moving on to spite Sana, but to pursue her own happiness. She doesn’t even know that her subtle actions are turning Sana’s world upside down.

Nayeon is willing to break rules if it means getting to have nice moments with Momo. She puts her title as Head Master on the line just to see her smile. Nayeon leads her to the gardens, a place where Sana and Momo once got kicked out of for picking a flower. We learn that Nayeon has a huge thing for flowers and an even bigger thing for Momo. She wants to make memories before she can’t, it’s a good phrase to use especially concerning that their time in high school will be over before they know it.

Although the flowers might die, she will still have Momo.

Back to Samo’s time in the botany club, they planted roses. It’s the same path that Nayeon took her down to. Momo now shares a memory of this place with both Sana and Nayeon. Nether memory better than the other, because at the end of the day they are both her favorite people. It’s just, even Sana’s rose doesn’t match up to Momo’s feelings for Nayeon.

Nayeon has liked her for two years, since Freshmen year if my time line is correct (maybe sophomore year, kinda hard to keep track of when the trio entered the school). It’s roughly around the same time that Momo has started crushing on her two. Momo leaves Nayeon feeling nervous and flustered, the feelings are mutual. It’s a healthy balance of equal feelings that leave them happier with each minute passing.

We get our first proper piece of evidence that Momo doesn’t see Sana as a romantic partner. “This is how it’s supposed to feel” meaning that she had never felt ‘sparks’ or whatever you want to refer the anxious butterfly feeling you get when you finally get to kiss the girl. It’s up to you to figure your own reasoning behind why Momo kept it going, I’ve already given mine.

We get our precious nervous Momo who forgets to breathe and I just love how this scene brings everything together.

What brings us back to earth is that Momo didn’t even explain to Sana that it was a trick and she had spent time with Nayeon instead. It was the start of Momo putting her own happiness in front of Sana’s happiness, if only it didn’t disturb the balance of their friendship. Sana waits for Momo in a situation where Momo would not be coming this time. It reflects this thing that they had. Sana waits for Momo to get over Nayeon and come back to her despite the fact that Momo is now happy with Nayeon and not coming back in that sense.

I want to point out that Momo had never once cared about who saw her kiss Sana- meanwhile, she has created a secret routine with Nayeon that involves kissing in secret. Secret being that her best friends hate Nayeon minus Mina. Kissing Nayeon weighs more than her previous kisses with Sana.

Momo ditches Sana and Jeongyeon’s movie night to go to Nayeon’s room- something she could have done any other night. It’s an act that goes without notice to anyone that this is now a serious affair. Besides the weeks of spending free time with her, or ditching class with her, this is the first time we see Momo blow Sana off. She does it without any hesitation because they’re her friends and they should understand that this thing with Nayeon is serious business. She doesn’t think about Sana’s feelings, because she still only sees her as a friend and nothing more.

“Sex is different with Nayeon. It’s better with feelings” (This phrase speaks for itself)

We’ve now entered the breaking point where Sana realizes just how fucked she is. She has to pretend like she totally isn’t in love with Momo because that would ruin the friendship (as this often goes, telling the truth might have actually saved the heartache that Sana experienced. No one ever likes to talk about their feelings out of fear though.

The downfall of indulging yourself in intimacy always comes when the other person meets someone else who isn’t you. Sana’s harsh reality is that Momo isn’t hers. She never properly was despite years and years of telling herself that she was. All those months of convincing herself and everyone else that the Momo’s crush was harmless is now coming to destroy every aspect of her spirit. Meanwhile, Momo has no idea.

No matter how close Nayeon and her get, it doesn’t lessen the fact that Momo really does love and care for Sana. When she shows concern for Sana’s well-being, we know it’s real. What we get in return though, is Sana finally bringing of Momo relationship with Nayeon.

If their friendship didn’t appear on thin ice before, it does now. We see Momo as a stuttering mess while trying to explain that she was going to tell her. Something kept her from telling her. Maybe it was the idea that with Momo dating someone she really likes then itll mean change. Nobody likes change.

Sana goes along with Momo’s happiness because that’s what best friends do.

The nail polish dilemma is a nice touch on Stormy’s part to show that despite the fact that Sana is trying to choose the right thing (getting over Momo) she still ends up picking the option that will lead her to Momo.

She gets a slap to the face when Momo comes stumbling in with Nayeon, obviously about to have sex. It’s a reminder that she isn’t Momo’s.

Party’s in the past have been used to provide a nice distraction, in this case it is a distraction made for Sana to forget about Nayeon. Momo knows her well though, knows that this party is a really bad idea. Nobody should drink when they’re dealing with a shit load of emotions after all.

Im “Head Girl” Nayeon giving Momo a hickey because she wants to make sure the student body knows that Momo is taken is a nice image. Having Sana be the one to cover it up (symbolism for the fact that she’s trying to prevent that) is kinda cruel.

What’s crueler is that Momo kissed Sana as a consequence for being picked. It’s an unintentional stab in the heart that Momo doesn’t even know she’s doing. The kiss was intended to be playful, but Sana will never be able to see it as playful. Not when Momo says she has had better kisses while looking at Nayeon. Her grasp on Momo is rapidly depleting and Sana doesn’t know how to cope because she has always had an excellent grasp on her.

They had spent years growing up together, just the two of them. Sana doesn’t know how to live without Momo being hers because she never has had to before. It’s an unhealthy attachment that is no longer innocent and is threatening to tear Sana apart at any moment.

Now Sana has to deal with being alone for the first time since she was a child crying alone in the sandbox. Lessons that she should have learned (like learning how to share and adapt) were not taught. Dahyun is there though to be the shoulder for her to cry on though. Dahyun always ends up being there for Sana when everyone else is busy in their own little world. Too bad Sana doesn’t notice this.

We get another friendly reminder that Momo did want to go make sure Sana was okay, but when the girl you love is with you- it’s hard to keep track of other things. We get a nice little moment where Nayeon admits to warming up to Momo’s friends and even Jeongyeon. Momo really does bring out the best in her.

Momo asking Nayeon if she cared that she kissed Sana shows a significant level of impact her response would have. To Momo it was just another thing to do with Sana, she probably didn’t think about the consequences until she was reminded that Nayeon was next to her and that they were kinda sorta dating. She’s worried that she screwed up with Nayeon. She didn’t even take into account that maybe she screwed up with Sana too.

We talk a lot about Sana so much that we forget that Momo is at fault too.

Nayeon hits the message home in a way that Sana had not- She wanted to be the only one to kiss Momo. If Sana had realized her feelings sooner, there is that ‘if’ possibility that things might have ended differently.

It’s easy to understand why Momo doesn’t talk about her feelings for Nayeon with her friends especially when one of them wants to have an intervention and the other is hopelessly waiting for it to fail (although she would deny it). Jeongyeon is the voice of the reader, exclaiming that Momo’s happiness cannot be real because she isn’t with Sana. Sana isn’t happy so that means Momo should break things off to make her happy- doesn’t sound right but it’s what people want.

Another thing on my list of things I want to know more about is Chaeyoung and Tzuyu and their cute dating life. Stormy im waiting.

Going back to Namo’s previous scene, Momo wants Nayeon to be her only person too. It means putting Nayeon in front of Sana. Them getting together is the step of Momo gaining independence and learning how to be someone who isn’t always tagged up with Sana. It’s endearing to know how smitten they both are over each other.

It’s also important that Momo finally talks about Nayeon to Sana and telling her that she’s taken now. If it had been years in the past, maybe Momo would have caught onto the fact that Sana really wasn’t happy for her. She wanted the conversation to end, not even wanting to hear what her best friend had to say. Even if her best friend is pouring her heart out.

Going back to Sana feeling insignificant if she is not the center of attention to Momo, having to deal with the two dating brings back the relevant feeling. I can’t say that Samo would have ended up together if Nayeon wasn’t written in- there’s too many gray areas. We just know that Sana doesn’t know how to cope with what she’s feeling because she really did build her life up around Momo. However, Momo didn’t do the same.

It’s that feeling of pain that makes her feel like pushing Momo away is the easiest thing to do.  

Sana has to watch Momo hurt because of it.

It becomes a center for her self-hatred- one that she uses against Dahyun for having the nerve to bring up her feelings about Momo. The nerve of reminding her when she had just spent a night crying over her. Dahyun didn’t deserve this, she had been so good to Sana. Sana is too caught up with Momo though to see the world around her. It went from being innocent to not so innocent after 14 years of thinking about Momo and only Momo.

Momo does what she knows, that’s accept Sana for who she is and love her unconditionally. Momo is convinced that it’s all her fault for becoming so wrapped up in Nayeon that she neglected her. It’s not the reason, Sana already feels abandoned and hopelessly in love. Momo does what she can though, despite the fact that it’s not enough anymore.

We get insight on how much Nayeon liked Momo through the usage of Dahyun. Nayeon is serious about Momo, just as we watched her be.

Dahyun is able take the weight off of Momo’s shoulders in making Sana feel better. It’s another fact just how unselfish she can be.

Sana continues to spiral downwards despite everyones best interest. It includes subtly pushing everyone away when shes low because she feels like this is her problem to deal with. She neglects the fact that you can’t control how you feel nor the strength of said feelings. She blames herself is pretty much in full punishment mode now.

But she is a person that feeds off of affection and people doing things for her. It’s a characteristic that can be a vice or virtue depending on how you look at it. So she keeps Dahyun company because she goes to a lot of effort for her the way Momo use to. I’m not saying she is trying to replace Momo, but she’s trying to find a substitute regardless.

It’s alright until it isn’t.

Because she’s using Dahyun’s kindness. She tries to display affection towards Dahyun to see if Momo will look at her and realizing that she is jealous over Sana being with someone else. Momo is too busy asleep in the arms of Nayeon, but Jeongyeon is there. She knows what Sana is doing. Sana is aware herself that she is using Dahyun but she is too far gone to care. She is slowly becoming a toxic person, but not the extent that the reader would hate her, quite opposite. We still relate to her. We still want her to come out victorious. I’ve seen enough readers defend Sana’s actions and believe that Momo MUST feel the same.

In a way, we ignore the message that Stormy is trying to send by believing in our own belief that things must end in a happy ending for all characters. That’s not what this story is about though.

Another party, another opportunity for Sana to get shit face and try to avoid her issues by creating new ones. She hides that mindset with a false positive idea that she is starting to become okay again. It goes well until drunk Sana and drunk Momo are talking and Momo is being the absolute Best person by thanking her for the years of friendship.

She’s holds such a pure and powerful love for Sana and she does try her best to make sure that Sana knows it.

Sana thinks her last kiss is the peck that Momo didn’t return and it makes me wonder if she remembers the make out session at the last party. The “I’ve had better” line that broke her. It was their last actual kiss, even if it was a dare.

Drunk Sana has proven to be dumb and impulsive. She takes her pain and tries to make Momo see what she’s missing out on. It’s gut-wrenching to see that she has to use Dahyun in order to attempt this. It’s no secret that Dahyun cares about her a lot. Maybe her blushing frequently means she might be crushing on Sana on the low key. She’s nervous about the kiss, maybe she has thought about accepting Sana’s offer for kissing her before?

Sana kisses her to make Momo jealous- except Momo doesn’t even look. She’s too busy being with Nayeon, the girl who unconditionally makes her happy and has done so since they met. There is no need for either to put the others feelings before their own because there is a mutual understanding that they both need their own happiness.

Sana takes Dahyun’s caring nature and throws it back into her face. Sana disregarded her emotions and chose to act selfishly on a whim.

Sana doesn’t even contemplate the idea that Dahyun might have had feelings- didn’t even stop to think what kissing her would do. Dahyun sets her straight though in a way that nobody has gotten the courage to do yet. She hurt Dahyun- a girl who has spent her entire time in this fic explaining that she is straight and that she knows Sana wants Momo. So it’s no wonder that Dahyun responds by saying the only thing that she knows will hurt Sana. A girl who made her realize a scary truth and get heartbroken in the process.

That it’s not her fault Momo doesn’t love her back.

Too bad Nayeon heard this.

It’s something that she can’t process enough to mention it to Momo. Let alone it’s something that she shouldn’t have heard to begin with. I agree that it wasn’t Nayeon’s right to out Sana’s feelings- it’s different when Samo found out Jeongyeon’s girlfriend was cheating on her. Sana wasn’t in a relationship with Momo, as far as Nayeon knows, they had always been just friends.

You can’t tell your girlfriend that her best friend likes her too (at least not before she does it). It’s just not right, I don’t think Nayeon would know how to begin with that conversation.

Instead she chooses to keep Momo close so that she can be the one to make Momo’s heart flutter. I don’t think it’s out of a selfish need to keep Momo away from Sana. I think it’s just her way of making sure Momo knows that she cares and will be there for her when the time comes that she does find out.

We get to the end of the chapter with arguably the most cliff hanger ending to a one-shot. My own interpretation is that Momo is forgetting how important Sana is to her. I don’t think she is forgetting that she loves her romantically or that she has feelings for her- but that she has lost touch with what made her attached to Sana in the first place.

There are aspects of this fic that do not feel like it wrapped up- it’s what Stormy intended based on her tweets. We keep talking about it because we don’t have the answers (she does of course). As someone who likes proper endings, I do hope we get closure for this. I just wouldn’t hold my breath. Sometimes you just gotta let things go.

What I won’t let go is that we didn’t get closure for Sana or Dahyun. BUT. To each it’s own : )

Tl;dr Sana and Momo aren’t going to and never should end up together because it’s for the best for both of them.

[betta-resplendent]

i want to get back into skyrim. I left one of my games behind a while back after I started playing...idfk what i was playing actually, maybe fallout 4 for the upteenth time (still can’t get into it? idk why). I really loved the character tbh. I played a Dagi-raht female (because i can dont judge me) who was...a bit messed up in her moral compass? I legit wanted to make a story based on my adventures of Skyrim, starting from her beginning to wherever I feel is a good stopping point for her. The game is...heavily modded, so spoilers for the mod Clockwork (OH MY GOD GET THIS MOD IT’S SO GOOD) and Skyrim in general. I try to be a good person IRL even though I have a lot of anger built up, but I even have guilt in a video game, to the point where I reload a save hours prior to the choice just so I don’t have to live with the guilt of murdering someone. I accidentally made Dorian in DA:I super angry and it broke my heart.  It honestly feels so good to play an evil/rough character for once, and since in Skyrim there are like...negligible consequences for my actions (ooooh noooo a guard got pissed at me whatever will i do and 50 NPC’s have the same voices) it feels like a good place to go ham and not feel super guilty for acting like an asshat.

her name is Queras and im gonna gush about her for a minute im sorry. it’s long and some of it is pure evil but it was fun as hell. Bold are my personal fave moments. I should really write a story and put it out there like I did for previous characters like my mage warrior Dragonborn and her husband Onmund, or the lesbian Dragonborn healer and her Dark Brotherhood lover...ttthhhhat never got finished whoops

I sort of figured that the Dagi-Raht are a close cousin to Khajiit, so I ran with that as part of her lore. She’s female, around 18-22. Kind of selfish, huge adrenaline junkie. Mostly just serves herself. ‘Slightly psychotic’ is how a friend put it when I relayed how I was playing to him. She travels with Garm the wolfdog. Her family is deceased, has considered adopting children if she can ‘find a use for them’. In other words, no, because I hate the way adoption works in Skyrim. There’s no point aside from taking orphans off the streets (which dont get me wrong is really really great just not a great DLC IMO, I get annoyed when I drop my stuff off and have two children, a crab and a fox running around and tripping me up). She’s a stealth archer/lockpick. Has considered taking up magic, but doesn’t want to spend her time at a college to do it. Has no particular interest in any guilds unless there’s lots of money involved. She honestly has no interest in the war, and would sooner pt them against each other, wait for them to die, and loot the bodies.

Notable moments from my playthrough, as told in ‘rp format’:

[Using Alternate Start]

Broke out of Prison after being arrested for thievery. How was she to know that bag of coins was spoken for?

Came across Helgen’s ruins after the dragon attack. Found Hadvar in a cave. Saved Hadvar. Got distracted on her way to Whiterun chasing butterflies and bandits.

Told Braith of Whiterun to drown in a river when she started getting bratty. Paid a guard to spread rumors of her eating beetles. Laughed at her tears. Never heard her bullying again.

Stole money from a family crypt while the living descendant watched helplessly.

Found Alva’s journal in Morthal. Killed her in the night. Raided vamp lair. Told no one.

-SPOILERS FOR CLOCKWORK-

Was chased by a Ghost in Velothi tunnels. Found a skull she thought was particularly endearing. Took the skull with her as a trophy.

Was trapped in Clockwork Castle for two months. Found Ludwig dead in a false wardrobe. Is hit with pity for the first time. Burned him and his journals.

Retrieved new heart for Lamashtu. Felt sorry for her and Lahar. She visits the castle every few months for a cup of tea and small talk.

-END SPOILERS FOR CLOCKWORK-

Retrieved Eldergleam Sap for Danica Pure-Spring. Became annoyed with Maurice Jondrelle’s yammering. Killed him and propped him up against the Gildergreen tree with a book over his face.

Brought the golden claw back to Lucan Valerius in Riverwood. Stole it back to keep in her personal collection. Has no regrets.

Threw her own boots into the ocean to prove a point. The point was forgotten.  (in reality, i was pissed that every single marauder there could hear me sneaking for some reason. realized I was wearing metal shoes. Threw shoes into the ocean, looted the marauder’s shoes.)

Hid behind a statue and assassinated Heimskr. Was not caught. Looted the body when the heat died down. Now laughs when she sees a Talos Statue.

Became extremely offended by Mikael the Bard’s behavior. Performed at the Bannered Mare every night until he gave up competing. Smothered him in his sleep whispering ‘this is for Carlotta’. Bought the poor girl some drinks before she left Whiterun.

Teamed up with Jaree-Ra to share the loot of a purposely crashed ship.

After catching wind that something was amiss, she murdered Deeja. After reading the note from Jaree-Ra, she makes her way to Broken-Oar Grotto herself to slaughter the marauders and steal 100% of the loot back. Sucks to be the losing side, she thinks.

Slowly picked off the Blackblood Marauders one by one. Left a note to Jaree Ra while he slept: “You shouldn’t have crossed me.”. Spent another 3 days following him and leaving notes before putting an arrow through his eye. She made her point...but nobody is alive to tell the tale. Oops.

Left only one bandit alive at a held fort. Said bandit told stories of a murderous Khajiit. She killed him in Markarth in a rage that she had been mislabeled. She is not a Khajiit.

Investigated Wolfskull Cave. Stopped the summoning of Potema purely by accident. Played it off as ‘i meant to do that’ to get the reward. May have embellished a few details.

Sheogorath knows her by name (obv not cannon...makes me laugh anyway.)

While fighting in Pelagius’ mind, she desperately wanted to keep the Wabbajack. When instructed to keep it, she leapt onto the table with both feet and fired it at Sheogorath. He was amused.

Has played instruments in many inns for a free room, wearing face masks. Has passive-agressively played over the top of bards she dislikes.

Promised to put a warhorn at a Shrine of Talos for Elisif the Fair. Had a moment of clarity and honored the woman’s wishes.

While in this moment of clarity, she informed Angeline Morrard of her daughter’s death. Felt guilty enough to give the woman some gold toward burial.