#im staying on t tho because it makes me most comfortable with myself

[ero-keixx]

Hello I have something to say

I'm

Ok but seriously after dealing with horrendous denial for years and forcing myself to be with men (which sadly included forcing myself to be intimate with men) I fully accept that do not like men. And quite literally cannot like men. Being with men makes me physically sick and very distraught. Sometimes it gives me panic attacks.

[grey-streetlight]

On Stone Topping + clothed dom

eugh there it is… that persistent overstimulation, that pit in my stomach, that “hmm , am i getting sick” feeling, that “there’s something wrong with me” thought pattern.

I must then weight the thought, check its merits, decide how i feel, feel that, accept it, and move on. COPING SKILLS!!!

This is why i’m a stone top. Parts of sex with my body feel gross. Masturbation is a normal part of life for a lot of people, me included. (That testosterone is a feisty hormone.) I’ve been off T for months, but the libido stuck. Every time I do masturbate, (if i’m even able to cum) the orgasm feels great! Followed by an immediate crash. The sensations are all too much. It must stop immediately. And that feeling sticks. It stays. It requires lots of time, self-administered aftercare, and pushing through deeply uncomfortable feelings to get back to a baseline feeling.

I get horny and masturbate though, because i will not deny myself that release!! (i just want my rush of happy hormones)

Each time though, am reminded of why I am a “stone top”. Orgasm leads to drop. Consistently. I don’t want to go through that with anyone at all. I hate going through it myself. It feels like my identity, my gender, my genitals are all swirling, pricking uncomfortably. I can’t settle into myself. My body feels like i’m trying to squeeze into shoes I’ve outgrown, pinching, suffocating.

I want sex to be good. I want it to be fulfilling. I don’t feel fulfilled receiving. There was a time i was one hell of a bottom and felt truly fulfilled! So many things have changed in my life and my body since then. For now, giving is where i get pleasure.

It feels so good to give. I think, every time I’m strapping, that cis men do not deserve penises. It boggles my mind how incredible it feels in my body to have that harness on. To have the right tool to make someone feel so good with my movements. This is the dance I understand. This makes my body light up with satisfaction. This is my sexual pleasure. Creating that experience for someone else is so perfect. HOW DOES IT FEEL BETTER FOR THE CIS MEN? WHY DO THEY GET TO FEEL THE STRAP and i can’t??????anyway… cis men don’t deserve it!

Also I just really am like. Nah just like, don’t touch me. pls. thank you. If I wanna cum, i’ll do it. It’s very hard on my personal pharmacy of drugs and semi-testosterone-ed body to actually cum. It’s like a cat trying to catch a laser and i would get frustrated trying to do that with any other person. I do not want to try. That’s just a no-no zone.

on clothed doming

I am super comfortable with my body being seen that’s not the problem. I just have to have an identity and clothes are a huge part of that for me. When i’m naked, my identity is gone too, most of the time. It’s just a body, not really connected to me? Being gender-funky in a lesbian way + Borderline Personality Disorder = weird relationship with self and clothing. If I feel like i’m still seen as me, I’ll wear something really feminine and sexy and bust out a great lap dance/pole routine! If I am worried I or someone else will perceive me in a weird way?? clothes!!! Also my outfits are cute. They’re important. I don’t wanna take it off!!

Also, strap over underwear. Will I get turned on strapping and make a mess?? yes. harness over underwear. Also cis men aren’t allowed to see what i got :) esp if im doing this at the sexy club. Also it’s a cute power dynamic. It’s so comfortable. It feels more like me. i don’t have to clean that side of the harness. it’s great. then my underwear becomes the cum rag! :) It’s efficient too!

Stone topping feels like home. It feels like me. It gives me an identity, a home in my body, a community, history. It’s so precious to me, my Stone Top Identity.

I’m still a masochist tho! So if you’re a hot dyke/ lesbian and wanna (bond first for like 6 months) chain me up and beat my ass in a vampire way, I’d really appreciate it!!! :)))

[asocialangel]

sitting on itzy's lap out of habit.

Chaeryeong - fluff - 609 words

Other verions: Yeji - Lia - Ryujin - Chaer - Yuna

Chaeryeong: would instinctively push you off, then regret and talk you into coming back, swearing she won't let herself be surprised again. She would be super nervous the whole time tho, so it's not that comfortable.

why is it my itzy content is flopping ? where are MIDZY ? hahaha, i find this writing very cute, had the idea while i was reminiscing a mini apple flavored kit-kat i bought in Japan... (btw i try not to care when sumtin flops. It's hard bcos social media made me used to look forward to big numbers but hey, i write for myself and the niche fandoms that could enjoy it-)

Through the screeching sound of chairs being dragged on the floor, people starting to chat again and the door getting opened by the teacher, you search for your phone in your school bag. On the tip of your fingers, you feel it and grab it as you’re lifting your head up. There you saw her, sitting on her chair, hair all over her notebooks. ChaerYeong was still writing something and didn’t even bother to look at you. You got up and started pushing your chair back under your desk, when you remembered you had something for her. Well the both of you. You reach again to your bag, taking out two mini kit-kats, one strawberry flavored, the other peach. You got up again and started walking to your friend. She still hadn;t turned her head, but she knew you were coming anyway.

“Sup Y\N ?” She greeted, without even looking at you, still finishing up prettifying her notes. “3rd period is still as boring as ever, but great. Chaer, we have a 10 minute break, better make the most out of it, stop thinking about class for 10 lovely minutes”, you answered. “Hm right’. She suddenly started tidying up her desk and putting her books away. When she was done, she pushed her chair back, to be further away from her desk. She finally turned diagonally to see you better. “I don’t wanna get up tho. It’s not like there’s anything interesting to do anyways”. “True”, you agreed, looking at your kit-kats. You handed the strawberry one to her, which she accepted, thanking you softly. You knew she’d prefer it anyway.

As you started opening its wrapper, you mindlessly started sitting on her lap. I mean, it’s not like there was another free seat. But you could only start bending your knees that Chaeryeong had already pushed you off. “W-what are you doing ?!” Embarrassed that she reacted too loudly, she looked around her to see if anyone was staring at her, but thankfully no one cared. The classroom was so busy, everyone was focused on their own thing. Unimpressed, you looked at her face. She seemed flustered more than mad, so it was okay, it’s not like you broke any boundaries, just caught her by surprise. 

“Uhm well nothing, just sitting sorry”. No hard feelings nor embarrassment in your tone, you just dead-pan started eating your kit-kat. Realizing she might have overrated, Chaer started talking you out into coming back: “Sorry, I, uh was startled. But come, it’d be unfair for you to stay standing while I'm comfy here.” After a few back and forths, you finally accepted and placed yourself on her lap.

You were both facing the table, but you turned your head back to her when you were talking. “You have a peach one right ? I wanna try it please, can I ?” You nodded as you stretched your arm behind you. She stuck her head up and took a bite out of the chocolate. As she expressed her delightment (“Mhmm that’s what im talking about !”), you whispered under your breath that she was so cute. She heard it, of course, and you felt her whole body tense up. I mean tense up even more than it already was. 

To be completely honest, sitting with her was not the most comfortable thing ever, because she was so nervous. But spending time close to her like this, made you overlook that.

A\N: did you like it ? My fav itzy song recently is snowy. Comeback was announced this mornin !

[veethewriter]

Hi!! My pronouns are she/her and I’d like a MHA and Haikyuu matchup!! I’m 18. I am ENFJ, (but sometimes enfp). I’m outgoing and generally nice to everyone, but I have a very sassy, goofy personality. Naturally flirty and very affectionate, and my love language is physical touch. I have my moments when I get shy and anxious, especially around someone I really have a crush on(although I try not to show it).Yet at the same time I’m the person always trying to hug and cuddle my friends even after roasting them. My favorite colors are blue, red, purple and pink. I love some teasing. I’m passionate about acting and singing. I love to listen to all kinds of music. I’m African American. I have long curly blackish hair and I’m 5’1. I’m a Gemini Sun, Cancer Rising and Gemini Moon. I am a caring and adaptable person, and like to make people happy I always finding a way to slip a stupid joke in🙄( joking is my coping mechanism) . My favorite food is tacos. I like someone that I can relate to. I don’t have a specific type, but I do like someone with goals and passion. I like someone I can laugh with and also have real conversations with. I’m so into the romantic lovey-dovey stuff, yet sometimes I act like a little boy💀. I can be loud asf, even just when normally talking cause I usually have a lot of energy. As far as style goes, it varies from 12 year old boy with some joggers and a t-shirt wayyyy too big for me , to like a 90s baddie with some hoops on, to girly with skirts, sweaters and some knee high socks. As far as accomplishments go, I’ve won state in theater and continue to pursue film acting. It’s something I’m very passionate about and want to pursue as a career. Some flaws of mine are overthinking and my anxiety. I am a driven person with lots of goals and making them happen but,My anxiety can get kinda bad, i get all shaky and I care a lot about what people think of me (although I try to deny it). I’ll kinds just shut down and get uncharacteristically quiet. But im like scary good at hiding it, since I’m such an extroverted person..and I don’t like feeling like a burden...you have to be good at paying attention to detail, or I’ve gotta be comfortable to enough to confess whats really going on in my head. So I’ll need someone who can bring me back to earth every now and then. But it’s getting better with time and I’m trying to stress myself out less. When I’m out I’ve got such a big personality and I’m making dumb jokes and dancing, but when I get home I’m just chilling and watching anime. (Although I will dance and make jokes if I feel like it). I tend to hyper fixate on things I like and talk a lot about them. And I’m a night owl! I hope that this wasn’t too specific! And Please stay healthy and hydrated :) -🤩💖

Of course!! Tho it might be a little shorter than usual only because I just woke up, sorry! For mha I ship you with mirio!!

You and Mirio meet one day while he was out getting food with Eri, they were standing in a line for and Eri was asking about the different types of food. Mirio answered most of her questions but there was a few desserts there that he didn't know, that's when you stepped in a different answered the question. Eri thanked you when Mirio looked at you to also thank you, he was awestruck but he quickly thanked you and asked you for you name.

You gave him your name and the two of you talked while waiting in line until you both did your orders (Eri still with you two of course). When you asked to hang out, he apologize and said he was watching eri today but asked if he could have your number to tell you when he could hang out next time. From there whenever he wasn't watching eri he would hang out with you. You and mirio will hang out and watch your favorite shows together, after a few weeks this mirio started to fall for you and eventually asked you out.

For your first date mirio took you to see Hamilton in person (sorry if you don't like that one, you can just put a different one if you want). Mirio has plenty of experience dealing with anxiety so he has no problem helping you out when you need it. Mirio loves giving you affection and helping you with whatever you need, he'll make sure that you don't feel like a burden because to him you'll never be one. Mirio loves your personality and how passionate you are about the things you love to do. Mirio may be funny and goofy sometimes but will be serious when needed.

For haikyuu I ship you with kuroo!!

You and kuroo meet outside of school at the park, kuroo was practicing with kenma while you were sitting on the bench going through some of your school stuff. Kenma accidentally made the ball to far and it landed near you, kuroo goes to grab the ball when you grab it and hand it to him. He smirks and thanks you before starting to talk to you, kenma reminds him that they have to go soon. He hands you his number and winks before leaving with kenma.

Kuroo ends up calling you a few days later asking to hang out (something about you made him interested). You and kuroo started to hang out with each other often, he fell for you. When he did confess it was at the park you guys meet at and he had set up a picnic for you two. Kuroo helps with your anxiety however he can and tries to help you with whatever you need. Kuroo loves it when you dance because he thinks it shows that your happy with him and comfortable.

Kuroo will set up a movie night for the both of you sometimes whenever you two haven't seen each other for a while. He loves to cuddle you while you two watch your favorite shows together. Kuroo may be a pervert sometimes but he knows to shop if you get uncomfortable. He show he's affection to you through physical affection but will stop if you tell him to.

Sorry this was short and probably wasn't my best writing, I still am sick but I tried my best I hope you like it.

[theyscreamjade]

hi!! i binged ur bakugo oneshots and headcanons and absolutely fell in love with your writing style!!

i have a kinda specific request, and if you don’t want to do it that’s totally fine!! Whatever makes you most comfortable :)

So, a oneshot where reader has the “gifted kid burnout” syndrome?? like she used to be good at everything, it came naturally to her, and she was always praised for being amazing, yadda yadda yadda. But when she hit highschool, nothing came naturally, she couldn’t do it all perfectly, so she just. loses motivation. to do everything. she either sleeps all the time or barely, and she’s been lectured by Aizawa for her grades slipping more times than she can count. Bakugo is kinda like her pining bestie??and he notices and asks her about it and she just kinda breaks down?? and they cuddle?? i’m rambling here, again if this is too specific or you just don’t want to do that’s totally fine!! Thank you for writing such amazing works tho!! (●’◡’●)ﾉ

Slipped

I CAN RELATE TO THIS SHIT ON A THOUSAND LEVELS BECAUSE...high school was when I started self-harming and everything just crumbled after that. Trust me honey, it may seem hard now but it’ll get better. You don’t have to be perfect all the time, I’m still trying to break that habit. Thank you for being a Peep! The overwhelming support and everything, I never ever expected this. Thank you so much and I hope this helps!

————————————————————————————————————————

“You’re failing.” Your teacher said to you bluntly as he stood in front of you. The afternoon sun shines through the halfway closed blinds in the empty classroom.

You couldn’t lift your head to answer, your mind was focused on the words he said without a hesitation. You exceeded everyone’s expectations, you were your parents golden child. You were going to do the one thing that your parents gave up to do. You were going to become the best Pro-Hero out there and give your all.

“I-....I-I’ll do better next time.” You spoke to the older adult as he sighed, sitting down in the chair in front of you. “Listen, You’re at risk of being removed from my class. I’ve given and done the best I could to keep you here.” He explained softly while looking towards your hanging head. “You started off great and now you can’t seem to keep up with your peers..or even in training. Is everything okay?” He asked, showing a bit of concern for you.

Time to put those professional acting skills, you sat up and smiled, scratching the back of your head. “I’m okay! I’ve just been busy, that’s all!” You explained as he frowned a bit. “Y/N, You don’t have to be afraid to tal-“

“I’m sorry, Sensei! Trust me, don’t worry! I’ll be fine okay?” You reassured before standing up. “Those grades will be back to normal and everything will be fine.” You explained, waving his worries away before you made your way to the doors. The raven haired teacher followed and handed you your make-up work. You gathered the items needed before you left in a quick hurry. You just wanted to be alone.

Your feet tapped against the ground as the pressure was intense, your mind ran rapid while you prayed that they didn’t contact your parents. That was the last thing you needed. You sat in the common room’s dinning table and began doing your work. You grabbed your pencils and looked at the rows and rows of work as your grip became tighter.

“Heya Nuggs!” Denki said, sitting down in the chair in front of you. “Whatcha doing?” He asked, leaning over in curiosity. You and Denki were friends since elementary school, it’s crazy how retrieving a dime from his nose made you two the best of friends. “Not now, Denki.” You responded, trying to stay focused.

The overwhelming depression weighed down on your chest as everything seemed to be smaller. “Why are you doing work? I didn’t know we had homework.” Denki questioned, while looking over the paperwork. “Denki, Please.” You said, your voice at the urge of snapping as he chuckled. “Typical, Y/N. Always trying to be the best, ever since we were kids you always was the greatest.” He said as your blood began to boil.

“I guess that’s why you’re at the t-“ “IM NOT AT THE TOP DAMNIT!” You screamed, slamming your pencil on the paper, snapping it in half. “IM NOT THE BEST! IM NOT THE GREATEST! I CANT DO EVERYTHING IM FUCKING FAILING!!” You screamed as your friend looked at you, worried. You slapped your hands over your mouth, gathering everyone’s attention who was inside. “Y-Y-Y/N?” Denki started to say while you gathered the papers.

“Y/N! Wait!” Denki tried to call out while you ran out of the room, shaking as your body collided with someone else’s. You glanced at the person before you continued running. You could feel your body shaking as your worst nightmare was becoming a reality. Your shoulder touched the wall as you fought to keep yourself calm. The panic in your heart was rushing while everything felt a thousand times heavier. Your heart was slamming against your chest before you felt a hand lift you up. His head slipped underneath your arm as he swiftly lifted you to bridal style. It honestly surprised you to see your peer, Bakugo carrying you as if you were a princess.

The sheer randomness, somehow calmed your edging panic attack as you sat on your bed. “You okay?” He asked softly as you looked up at him. You nodded softly and sat your books on the seat beside your bed. “What the hell’s going on with you?” He’d ask afterwards. Though he only knew you for the two years of you two being in school after you transferred before your sophomore year. He’s worked with you and knew how you normally were, the sudden change made him worry, but he refused to let you know that.

“Nothing..” you quickly responded as he scoffed. “Don’t lie, What the fuck is wrong with you?” He asked, annoyance starting to show as he sat on your desk chair. You couldn’t lie to him, even if you tried. Denki, Deku and Bakugo were the only ones who could crack you open like a walnuts.

“.....I-I’m failing class.” You stated softly. “I-..I’ve worked so hard, I’ve done my best, gave everything my all and I’m fucking failing.” You continued as tears started to flow from your eyes, your hand gripped your scalp while you sat up. “How fucking pathetic of me, I-I went from flying through every test, being at the top with you guys and I’m failing. I-I can’t call myself a hero when I can’t save people! I can’t call myself the best when I’ve failed my tests! I can’t call myself anything! I-I can’t sleep! I-I barely eat or drink! I-“

“Shut up, Dumbass!” He snapped, looking at you. “You’re failing, so what? You’ll make it up won’t you?” He questioned as you looked down. “Oi! You said you wanted to be a hero, you said you wanted to save people just how your parent did, right?!” He asked as you nodded. “It’s a small drop, you should stop holding back your feelings and pushing yourself and relax for once.” He stated, crossing his arms. “When you fall down...I want to be there to pick you back up, just don’t give up Dumbass.” He said while blush covered his cheeks. His sudden wave of affection was way out his normal personality.

You couldn’t help but smile, wiping your tears away. “Thank you, Bakugo.” You replied softly as he scoffed again, making you laugh. Once your anxiety and mind was back in order, you continued on your work. Bakugo stayed and helped you completed it, helping you with every question. Nearing completion, your eyes began to droop. Your vision struggled to stay clear as your mind declared that it needs to rest. “Oi, Dumbass?” He called while you struggled. Considering it was nearly one the morning, who could stay awake after the day you had?

Your head fell at his shoulders as he smiled softly, watching you finally close your eyes. It was sudden instinct and he just wanted to make sure you actually slept for the whole night, your head laid on your pillow while he laid beside you, his back facing the edge of the bed and the door. While he stared, his vision stayed on you while he admired how cute you were in such a peaceful manner. This was something he looked for, the person you originally were. His mind began to drift onto dream world while you were found in his arms, your breathing moving in perfect harmony.

[paracosm-and-dissociation]

Greetings and salutations, hope I don’t bother you to much. May I please have a romantic matchup for southpark? If you do multiple maybe Friday night funkin, but don’t feel pressured. My pronouns are They/Them and I’m pansexual with a preference to masculinity. My Myers Briggs type is INFJ and Enneagram type is 4. My star sign is Taurus, moon sign is Gemini. Im about 4’11..not to happy about it. I’m rather introverted, and can be considered not a people person. I’m into dressing in all black and taking a liking to gruesome and morbid things like slashers and murder documentaries. I also like to visit abandoned hospitals and houses just for fun, along with playing quite a few escape rooms. A friend of mine even likes to call me "discount vomitboyx". I’ve also been called "doomer boy kinnie", and "Remake of Daria" before. I’ve come to the conclusion I just scare people off. In reality, I’m intimidated by everyone around me and find it hard to start conversing, which may or may not come off as rude to people. When I finally become comfortable with someone I start to become really sarcastic and joke around with them with witty banter. Most of my humor comes off really insulting, but I’ll apologize and say it’s a joke if it becomes a problem. Lots of people don’t like me or stay away from me because of my rude behavior. I’m not good with overly sensitive or overly annoying people at all because of that, and I can’t stand kids. Idiocy can get on my nerves too sometimes. I’m a huge animal person though. I have my moments where I can get really feisty, or very quiet and closed off. I’ve been told I’m also a laidback person. I’m the type of person that has lots of opinions on things but I keep them to myself and bottle them up. If pushed far enough I’ll become unforgiving, and aggressive. Especially with the types mentioned above. I find the most comfort in just being in my room drawing, reading and or listening to music ( My Chemical Romance, Arch Enemy, MurderDolls, Slipknot, Get Scared, sometimes Will Wood, Jazmin Bean or Mother Mother, etc. ), or even occasionally gaming on my switch or reading and talk about Greek mythology. I’m a plushie maniac and when I fall asleep you can always see me cuddled up to one of them. I find it because I’m really touch starved. I’m guilty of being very submissive, and I suffer from asperger syndrome, insomnia, depression and anxiety. I have small tics, but they only flare when I’m stressed or mad. Along with stims where I bite the inside of my cheek, pull my hair, fidget with my fingers and tap my foot. I even hiss or squeal when I’m upset. I’ve also been developing a eating disorder. If you do get to this, thanks for your time. - coii

Sure one South Park matchup right up! sorry it took so long this was the first matchup i’ve ever done

SOUTH PARK :

i ship you with....  

Craig Tucker!  he isn’t all that much taller than you believe it or not

i feel Craig is an ambivert so he understands that you are an introvert and wont make you be social if you dont want to.

Craig doesn’t really care how you dress but he likes the color black. 

You take a liking to morbid and gruesome things? Craig gets a little concerned but not alot (i headcanon he’s really chill) but he’s like 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘣𝘪𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴? 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘭𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵? 

Craig will come with you to abandoned houses and hospitals but he doesn’t get why you like it so much. 

When Craig finds out that you are intimidated by everyone he tries to make it so you only ever talk to a small group of like 1-3 maybe 4 sometimes. Craig doesn’t mind your

Craig tries to keep you away from people that are overly-sensitive or annoying since you don’t handle them well and he also can’t stand kids. 

He can stand idiocy but since you cant he will try to tell them to f**k off.

Animal person? animal person. i headcanon that Craig also really likes animals but just hides it so you two probably have an animal or two around

When you become closed off Craig gives you your space and waits until you open up again

Craig is also laidback so yay laidback people

Craig doesnt like that you bottle up your opinions he thinks you should voice them and often tries to get you to

Craig usually doesn’t let get to the point where you become aggressive because he’s probably moved you too another place

if you’re drawing Craig will ask to see it when you’re done if you are okay with it.

Craig doesn’’t like reading that much but when you read he usually tries to keep it quiet around the house so that you can read in peace.

Craig lets you listen to your music on your own and usually finds his own thing to do sometimes he will listen to it with you if you want him to or its Get Scared

Craig definitely wants to play with you on your switch, if you dont want him too he’s okay with it though

Craig doesn’t know anything about Greek Mythology he knows like Zeus and that’s it

Craig doesn’t like plushies but won’t complain about them just tells you to keep them organized or something, finds it really cute when he sees you cuddled up to them tho

Like i showed earlier Craig wont make you be social if you dont want to with asperger

He will try to suggest different ways to help you fall asleep with insomnia (i usually watch satisfying videos to help with mine!)

He will get you therapist and will help you with your depression, no one wants their lover to have depression after all

Depending on how severe your anxiety can get if you are close to a panic attack he find you something to calm you or just makes you lay down if you can pass out from anxiety he will still make you lay down if it’s mild he just tries to get you to take your mind off things

Notices when your tics starts and tries to help

Biting the inside of your cheek is bad so Craig is always trying to get you to stop and also tries to stop you from pulling your hair out

He doesn’t mind your other stims and just lets it happen

Craig notices right away when you are developing an eating disorder and tries to help you, either it be eating too much or too little

I hope you like it! im not really good with these types of things 

[cornwaiidesu]

a boohoo-y deep dive into my ~psyche~ cuz I had A Moment at work yesterday :P

I care too much about what people think of me. plain and simple. I have been this way since I was a little girl. my cousins would pick on me because I was the special baby girl out of the three of us and they were the two older boys. they would pick on me for being shy and soft spoken and liking girl things, and I wanted them to like me because I thought the two of them were the coolest boys in the world, so I grew to be a little tomboy. I wanted to like fighting games, and anime, and comics because those were "boy things".

but then when puberty started to set in, being a tomboy wasn't cute anymore. at least according to the bullies I had in middle school. usually boys who would call me a d*ke and make fun of me for wearing baggy t-shirts and loose pants and my dad's army jacket every single day of my life. "girls are supposed to be feminine" so obviously something had to be *wrong* with me and they would speculate shit about me directly in front of me. try to engage me in the conversation just to rub it in and of course that made me feel like shit.

so then in high school I try to flip the switch again. I start wearing tighter fitting clothes. I grow my hair out because I was constantly being dogged on my hairstyle even tho that shit was kind of REVOLUTIONARY FOR A 12 YEAR OLD LIVING IN IOWA. PROPS TO TEENAGE MRH. even back then I was a little punk. :3c I digress tho.

the beginning of high school was when I started my curse that lives on in me. I wear earrings every day of my life and I do because I convinced myself back then that I would be mistaken for a boy otherwise. and I still hold that fear because it was upheld! I started wearing dresses and skirts to school, but it didn't matter because dudes would still flip me shit and say that I was a predatory lesbian and strip me of my femininity. adults would still call me young man and sir despite being a 16 year old wearing make up, denim skirts, earrings, and covered in beaded necklaces. I would wear SO much jewelry to try to get it through people's minds that I was a girl.

but then through that came another weird thing where, like, though I was dressing ~feminine~ I was still "one of the guys" because I had a crude sense of humor and still liked comics and anime and wasn't as, for lack of a better word, "delicate" as my other (white) female friends. but then AGAIN I *couldnt* be one of the guys because it was a secret special task force essentially and I was just a stupid girl.

a lot of that fucked up my sense of self with my sexuality growing up too. I knew at a fairly early age that I was bisexual even though I didn't know there was a word for it, but I didn't want to admit to liking girls because that would mean my bullies were right about me, and if they were right about that then what if they were right about all the other horrible stuff they said about me being hideous, and gross, and weird?

because! if that was right too! a boy would never fall in love with me and have dance sex with me like Johnny and Baby do in Dirty Dancing! or would never save me from being sacrificed like Rick saves Evie in The Mummy! I'd be alone forever because boys would think I was big ugly butch with no value to them, and girls would think I was a predator and would always have to be on their guard to make sure I wasn't gawking and fawning over them. (and let's not even GET into how my religion fucked up my sense of morality about this. I have since grown out of it at least.)

every person I ever confessed to having a crush on has turned me down (mostly politely though, thank god) in my life except for one and a half. (one said they also liked someone else as much as they liked me, and since I had no self-esteem at 18 I was like "oh that's cool. let's date anyway." because I just wanted to have a boyfriend. that's the half.)

the other we kind of connected right away, whirlwind romance for me, but I don't think they ever quite felt the same way and that ended in an actual divorce anyway.

I've had three "relationships" my whole entire life and no more than that, and in my head i told myself thag was because I am fat, and ugly, and MASCULINE, no matter how hard I tried to be sweet and charming and pretty.

as I've aged I've learned about the systematic de-feminization of black women since all the way back to slavery times and shit and I won't claim to be an expert about that shit but it makes me cry that it's just ingrained into people's minds. it doesn't give us a single fighting chance from birth. it makes me feel like I'm going to be a lonely freak for the rest of my life because iowa is like one of the whitest places in the world, and my own internalized racism has convinced me all my life that I don't belong in black spaces because I'm not "authentic", I'm watered down. I've been called a half-breed and an oreo so many times.

I can't be black, I can't be white, I can't be a boy, I can't be a girl. I'm a copper penny in a jar full of nickels and dimes. I don't look the same, I'm not the same shape, and im not as shiny.

though I am attracted to women I have this OBSESSION with men, and to have a relationship with a man as PROOF. SOLID PROOF. that I am a valid woman, because there seems to be no other way for me to get the point across. and it's important for me to get the point across because I grew up with my business being the punchline, and curiosity of my peers, and the concern of my family. I couldn't exist without speculation from someone.

and then came a moment last year while I was at work, where a co-worker told me something that a person in another department who I did not get along with had told them. that I was a mean, jealous bitch who wanted them "out of the way" because they were getting too close to my friend that also worked at our store, and I was obsessed and in love with her and trying to stop a relationship from forming between the two of them. and it made me sick to my stomach. it was the thing I had been trying to steer clear from, from the moment I knew I was bisexual, but I hadn't tried hard enough. my anxiety shot through the roof. I had a panic attack. I broke down sobbing in the bathroom. this person was vengeful, I had nothing to do with them or that friend anymore, and I hadn't for months but they wanted to spread this rumor about me. and even if I truthfully denied it like I did, it didn't matter, because a person could take one look at me an think "you know, I can see that." because that's what people thought my entire fucking existence.

I cried off and on the rest of the day. I was too sick to eat dinner. I barely slept. and then I ended up puking what little food I had to eat that night anyway. I still barely ate the following few days I stayed home from work because I still felt so sick to my stomach with anxiety and at one point I got faint-ish when I had finally returned to work, and had to have help to get to the breakroom and force myself to eat. I bawled to my step-mother about it all, that I didn't feel comfortable at work anymore because it was just my words against theirs, and my bosses never held the person accountable for any of the other bullshit that they caused anyway.

it took me a VERY. long time to move past this incident. I think the only thing that ever ended up fully distracting me from it was covid and my uncle and my father's health both taking a turn for the worst last June. and even then, in between, I had such loooow moments. I self harmed and wrote mean notes to myself, stayed in bed for days. I wrote my own suicide note just to feel better, even though I knew I'd never do it. I was too chicken, but I just wanted to write it and pretend, just to release the depression pressure in my brain.

I've since been better for the most part. I know my parents love me and that I'm important to them, when just a few years ago I used to claim that I was an orphan because I was convinced that my father and my step-mother never cared to see me again because I was an ungrateful brat. I still get very lonely and long for a significant other but I'm kind of just coming to terms with the fact that unless I put myself out there, it won't happen, and im just too insecure to take the steps.

yesterday though, just for a second, out of nowhere, I thought about the claim that person had made about me even though the atmosphere at work has since changed, and things are patched up between me and my friend.

that gossiper is irrelevant now, but I couldn't help but have a little meltdown about it anyway because. like. apparently that's the vibe that I give off. because that's what everyone has said about me from day one of my life. and. I just. have to keep dealing with it. I'm stuck like this. and it sucks. and that little thought about it reminded me again.

[zephyr-94]

barista!jaemin

inspired by the one and only, puff live!

a/n: this is my first ever fic omg pls spare me with my low writing skills cause ive literally never done this fjskdjdhjdks okay i just love na jaemin periodt. (after writing: ITS VERY JUMPY AND LENGTHY I DIDNT PLAN TO MAKE IT LIKE THIS DJSKJSJSS)

so like your aunt owns a cafe which is in the middle of the city

and you live a lil outside just cause you know, school n shit

you visit her so often cause its a small cafe and it calms you down whenyou need a short break from everything

its weird thats its in the middle of the city but its still calming right?

well okay so like you know those small streets down the neighbourhoods?

the ones you dont really go unless you are rlly feeling adventurous n shit, your aunt’s cafe is in one of those streets

okay longass context down

and at school, you are in a photography club,,, or technically you just learn photography from your teacher after school but its not a whole club extravaganza

just cause your school kinda demands an extra curricular after the first year

but it feels really suffocating to be forced to do smth as a group/with people you arent as familiar with,,,,

so you “signed up” for the smallest club: [photography theory]

it was about time you start doing your hobby-ish thing at school and the tutor was cool with you being practically the only student in the club lmao so everything was going well but

youve never rlly done anything big yourself and your school friends havent pushed you to do smth either

so you were kind of looking to at least take part in one out-of-class project initiated by students maybe

and theres this big school newspaper club/writers’ club,,,, and you find out that they are like !! photographers & stories wanted !!

and you ?? at first but apparently its a project where like students get to submit their fav pic & write a mini article about “your place of comfort”

cause the topic of the month is mental health/dealing with stress and the newspaper club wants a students’ view on it, instead of just “meditation” as a topic

then you just have that cafe in your mind like,,, how you would love to shoot the street light shining into the cafe from afar and how calm that place makes you feel,,,

basically you just love your auntie’s cafe lmao

so then you go on about maybe joining it,,, but then you be indecisive cause youve never actually taken a photo professionally you just have a prolonging passion for it,,,

and your teacher is like “y/n idk why you are contemplating no ones gonna judge you just try smth new, go take the chance if you are feeling like it”

we love a supportive johnny, oh yes your english teacher is your photography “club” tutor,,, self proclaimed club

actually there have been many opportunities in the past with taking photos for projects like this one but you just stayed away cause it didnt “motivate” you to take photos for it

so johnny’s words kinda pushed your back n you felt like this was the right thing :))

so then you visit your auntie on the weekends asking maybe if you can take pics & ask her a couple questions about this place

and shes like ofc!! wanna see how you capture this place :))

so then you do this whole process and you submit the article & photos,,,,,

which ends up getting a whole page???

and you are like wh a t

newspaper club: oh you submitted many such pretty pictures & your comment felt very genuine

and you :)) but damn a whole page,,,, you is a lil anxious djskdjdh now the entire schools now going to know you

johnny the hype man teacher: see i told you it was going to turn out nice

and then kaboom, your article lowkey blows up lmao

your auntie is calling you up like “y/n!! so many customers came today!! and a lot of them are wearing the same uniform as you, they must be the students from your school!!”

and shes so happy so you are happy af

but then you remember like,,,, shes never had a part timer,,,,,

and she continues to manage the place by herself after it gets popular among the students,,,,

?? auntie,,, you never take a break ??

shes like maybe ill think about hiring someone?? and you are like, that would be good for you :)) i will be less worried about your health!!

whoop guess who got hired

and after youve had that^ conv, you had constant classes n group projects n shit so you literally had no time,,,

two weeks later, kinda highkey stressed

you decide to go make a quick visit to auntie before going to the library to study

and you peek,,, to see not your auntie,,,,

but a boy?? 

just standing behind the counter,,, no auntie to be seen but a beautiful boy???

before the opening hours,,,, he?? must be the part timer,,,

and once he notices you by the door,

he just smiles at you,,, so brightly,,,,

wow youve never seen such a pretty face,,,

you actually like forget to open the door you are just staring from outside the cafe,,,,

and he just waves,,, and you snap back to reality like oh shit did i just stare at someone for a solid minute

welp that was embarrassing djkdjdfj

he opens the door for you and goes “hey you must be y/n :))”

“the only person who comes before 9am, thats you isnt it?”

and you just ?¿ confusion??¿

“auntie told me about it :)) hi, nice to meet you, im jaemin!!”

you are still confused but you just shake hands next to the counter,,,

and as you take a seat

jaemin just makes a smol run to the other side and hes like

“you came just in time, i want you to try my latte!!”

jaemin serves a cup of latte with a leaf art

this boy just served a latte first thing after shaking hands i-

you take a sip from the cup

and you are like,,, so auntie hired an experienced boy,,,,

“its really good,,,” it has the same comforting taste you always love

and jaemin just has the biggest smile :)))) you know his smile where the ends just curl in, yes that one

him beaming like that just makes you giggly inside,,,,

you ask him “so uh um im guessing you are the part timer??”

“yes!! i didnt introduce myself properly did i! i started working here two weeks ago :))

ive been coming here for quite a while now so im happy i got the chance!!”

and you ?¿ “ive never seen you here??” you are the most frequent customer youve gotta have seen him before fjsksj

hes like “oh um i always came at 9pm on a friday, after everyone leaves and the whole neighbourhood gets quiet”

you just :o

and come to think of it, you’ve never visited here on a friday night,, cause you know, friday evening is your im not doing anything tonight kinda me time lmao

inside you are kinda happy that someone who knows this place got hired like its a special place to you so

tbh you were kinda anxious even though you trust your aunt,,,,,

and jaemin hurriedly goes “oh and also auntie is taking a break today, shes out to the market so im gonna take over until she returns in the afternoon”

djskdj auntie why didnt she tell you lmao

“im sorry if you needed anything specific from her,,, you should stay for a while until she comes back maybe?”

and you are like,,, “oh that would be great,,, but unfortunately i have to go to the library,,,,”

jaemin: ): he pout

“im so glad you came today tho!! i wanted to see you :) auntie has told so many thing about you”

“wait,, what has she told you,, omg”

apparently shes told jaemin

a) reason why this cafe recently became a popular hideout cafe for students because you wrote a school article bout it

b) that you do photography

c) and that this cafe is your break time so you never study here and auntie loves listening to you talk about school n what not

and then you are like !!

“wait so then you dont go to our school ,,,um are you also a student?”

and you panic a little cause i mean you just met him but you literally know nothing and you mightve assumed things fjsksj

and jaemin tells you “ah yes i go to a hospitality school downtown” “ohh”

and from there he just starts talking about his school and what he studies

he asks you about school but jaemin is extra excited about his hospitality course hes all !! :))!!

and you are so hooked on jaemin talking about his school you forget an hour passes by,,,,

[time to open the cafe]

then the customers start coming in

and you are like “oh sorry ive just bothered you during the preparation time,,,,, it was nice meeting you!! gotta go now :))”

and you rush out cause all you planned to do was give your auntie a little visit

also you dont want to bother jaemin cause its hes gonna handle the place alone for a couple hours

you wave a smol see you soon and

jaemin just does a little chuckle,, and hes like waving so widely fjsksj does he know other people can see him

and thats how your first day with jaemin went

later that day you return home thinking like,,, did you just get so excited to converse with someone who you juSt met,,,

na jaemin’s power

and jaemin on the other hand, is thinking about how beautiful you looked today

just that short while but it made him so happy

hes thinking about you all week uwu

so next week you visit again, expecting to see your auntie

and maybe also that gleaming boy

peeking through before the opening hours

the moment jaemin realises you hes like “y/n!!” what a shining boy

and aunties like “oh y/n right you met him last week when i was out right”

that morning you just talk to auntie about what shes been missing on after you went on a busy week

mind that jaemin is literally just listening to you & auntie talk

and he enjoys it cause you talk so comfortably in front of her :))

you decide to stay the whole day to give yourself a break

which meant you moved to your usual spot by the window

and auntie serving you (free) vanilla latte

you take out your camera and just start adjusting the lenses, trying to find the right frame

customers come and go so you dont get to talk to jaemin a lot that day

but its not like you came here for him,,,, right?¿??¿??

while you were thinking all that

jaemin was asking about you all day like

“so y/n’s favourite is vanilla?”

“does y/n prefer a latte over cappuccino?”

“i want to serve y/n something,,,, what would be the best??”

auntie: how many times did he mention y/n today omg

and as auntie answers

jaemin is thinking like

i wanna see y/n smile

and the entire day your auntie is like !!he :)))))

lmao same auntie same

so when the peak hours finish she goes

“i can take care of everything now, go talk to y/n”

and jaemin just smiles brighter than ever

so when he comes around, you startle

but it puts a smile on your face

because hes brought your favourite cake and just a smiling jaemin in front of you uwu

you both get to know more about each other like

how theres this two boys named chenle & jisung in the preparatory course whom he adores to death

or like

theres this jeno boy whose jokes suck jeno i love you

with a bonus of

you talking about how johnny’s english class is nothing but a comedian’s lesson

so that day went great

and now that you are comfortable

you visit the cafe to talk with jaemin more

even when you have a chill no stress week

it just makes you feel lighter by coming to the cafe now

and your auntie is hella happy that you two are getting along so well

it continues for weeks

just you and jaemin talking from time to time when the peak hours are over or before the cafe opens

you became best pals basically

he encouraged you to join more school projects cause hes sure your photography is worth the chance

you giving him daily support when he feels like he isnt doing the best for his course

sometimes when your aunt had to leave for a couple hours near closing time

you two just stayed there talking for a couple hours giving comfort to each other

late night lattes and cakes

also one time you got so excited from the bestest grades you got you might have hugged him without thinking oops

and one day, jaemin’s friend renjun is there when you come after school

and hes like “hi uh dont mind me im just here a bit because jaemin has to go somewhere after this and i dont want him to be late”

so you just,,, chill as jaemin kinda rushes

and when he goes to the storage room, you just see renjun getting along with the auntie lmao

auntie: “so i got offered this contract with the new type of beans? and idk if i should take it because that would mean i have to go out of the city,,,,”

renjun: “for how long?”

auntie: “two weeks maybe”

renjun: “oh thats fine, dont worry about it. jaemin can take over that. next two weeks right? his mandatory work experience ends this week”

so thats how renjun signed jaemin up to work alone for auntie without his consent

and aunties like “y/n!! it would be so much for just jaemin, you should help him :) your break starts next week right?”

so you also got signed up to this thing

fast forward to first day of break

aka the first time you “work” there

you are nervous and jaemin can feel it

“dont worry y/n, ill do all the talking and coffee, you just have to serve & clean!!”

so you try to calm down a bit

not to mention that you are also nervous cause its only jaemin and you in the room

but then he sees you fumbling with tying the apron and

jaemin says “here, give it, ill do it for you” while smiling a little

and from the back he wraps the apron around your waist,,,

and hes so close to you,,, your heart is fluttering

okay heart stop beating so fast pls thank you

and little do you know,,, jaemin is flushing a bit behind your back,,,

you are both the cutest mess

and you break the silence with a smol

“thanks :))”

trying to contain yourself from screaming

adapting to the serving side & keeping youself busy

you dont realise jaemin is literally admiring you the entire time as you get used to the job,,,,

here and then you forget how close you might be standing next to jaemin,,,

you kinda also realise how rEALLY attractive he looks serving everyone with a huge smile 24/7

and the way some customers are obviously attracted to him,,,,

but what you dont know is he is literally taking this chance to highkey flirt with you lmao

waves (sometimes winks) across the room

causally hovers over you when you cant find/reach smth

beaming the biggest smile every minute he gets to himself

and at first you panicked like ?!????

cause was this jaemin boy holding back for a whole month

is this his nature yes

but it makes you so happy to see him smiling all the time beside you

so jaemin yes its working

you gotta admit tho his flirty-ish behaviour grew on you this entire week djskjssj

a week of giggly smiles uwu

but the week after was unexpectedly the busiest of the busiest

you two forgot national holidays collided with the weekends and for some, it was a week off,,,,,,

so the week rushes by so quickly compared to the last one

it kind saved you tho cause your heart cant take more of that flirty behaviour

and finally,

the peak days are over,,,

and you realise its been a while since the cafe was just you,,,, and well jaemin but just no customers

the silence with faint sounds of cups cluttering,,,, you missed it

so then you go sit on the high chair

just admiring jaemin organise the shelves

he starts to prepare a new cup of coffee then realises you smiling at him “were you in awe at how effortless i look right now??”

you chuckle at his remark,,,

(needless to say that your are chuckling to hide how your heart is melting at his smirky smile)

so you twirl a bit shyly,, and avert the gaze to the familiar wood of the counter

asking him “do you remember the day we first saw each other, me sitting here and you serving the latte?”

“ofc, its the day i met an angel”

oh so confidently na jaemin really just said that

you quickly look up at him like !!!?!???!

and thats how he earned a first kiss (or rather a peck) from you

leaning over the counter and pecking you, a whole blushy mess

then comes a clink by the door

you juMp,,,,,,,

oof the customer may or may not have seen you two

you both rush around flushed like a tomato lmao

spending the rest of the day like nothing happened oops

and after the day ends, you two close the cafe

as you starting walking you are caught off guard when

jaemin just takes your hand,,,

“look y/n!! the stars are so pretty!!”

and starts swinging your arm like a tall child,,,

your heart is skippingnsjsjsjs

then at the corner, jaemin turns around and goes

“this is actually the place i first saw you”

and you ??¿?¿¿

“i saw you taking the photo of this night light shining into the cafe”

still hand in hand, jaemin steps a little closer

and takes his free hand to cup your face, kissing you,,,,

you smile into him as he kisses so softly, thinking

maybe the day i took that photo was a friday night

and melting into the kiss, you really think you are dreaming,,,,,

under the lights you once wished capturing a sparkling moment with the cafe in the back

its now you and jaemin in the frame,,,,

the boy who had you forgetting to breathe a month ago

whos now serving your favourite latte with a bonus of pecks on the cheek,,,,, (maybe on the lips if theres no one watching)

anyways

jaemin brings light to your life and you have never been this happy until you met him uwu

and it goes both ways, jaemin cant live without you now,,,, you are the best thing thats ever happened to him

(thank the heavens & your auntie)

oh and also johnny for pushing you to submit that article lmao plus huang renjun for that involuntary sign up

[kewltie]

Somehow, in the last couple of weeks I got a slew of new people coming to my blog and hit 1k followers（○□○）. I’m beyond shocked. Like, I’m pretty sure 90% of you are bots or inactives but to those that are breathing: hello, and thanks for sticking with me! I’m stoke and humbled by your presence especially those that been with me for so long now. I may not know you personally but you know me. Maybe not very well since I’m intensely private and all I do is ramble about my accursed writing habits lmao but!!!! You’re here anyway despite everything and I’m very grateful for your constant support. 

So to welcome to new people and because I don’t I ever did any introduction post before. 

Hello, I’m kewltie. QT. Trina. That girl who keep starting shit and never finishing it a;sjdf;alsjdf;alsjdfa. I’M TRYING. Anyway, here are a few notable things about me and this blog in case you wanna make sure this is someone you wanna, ya know, stick around: 

this is my writing blog. so all you’ll see are huge block of texts from either teasers of stuff im currently working or random pieces that im in the mood for but mostly it’s just me complaining about writing sobs. 

i’m in my mid 20s and have been in fandom since i was like preteen. LJ-era, so yea im a fandom oldie. over a decade of experience here. 

since i have been through several fandom purges bc of ya know censored ship ://///  im very much YKINMK aka Your Kink Is Not My Kink but your kink is okay!!! i dont care for your problematic kinks or ships bc i have my own so yea im cool with you if you are cool with me. 

i live in socal so i come off as US-centric sometimes but im vietnamese. 

bnha is the fandom im writing and most active in but im in like a gazillion fandom. a hyperbole but kinda true?? supernatural, hannibal, voltron, harry potter, 1D, kpop, marvel, sherlock, etc. but you won’t see any of those fandom post here since i only write for ONE fandom at a time bc i cant focus on anything else /o\ lol. 

i swear a lot. like, A LOT. regularly, religiously like every twenty words out of my mouth is a fuck you. it doesn’t mean anything honestly. i just do it when im being overly emotional so when im exicited, upset, sad, etc. 

im overly emotional and sensitive w/ a truck load of anxiety and crippling self esteem.... so i dont do well interacting w/ people. mostly. i try tho!!!!! i mainly just keep to myself and stay in my corner of the fandom. i dont care for fandom drama or anything like that. i just want to read and write in peace. kthx. 

when i make a post on here it’ll mostly be in lowercase, mostly in caps, abuse the word like, and use a lot of exclamation point like 90% of the time. 

i identified as queer. and maybe demisexual/grey-ace??? idk sexuality is confusing and im still figuring it all out but i know at least im comfortable with the label queer. 

i dont write smut for personal reason. maybe one day in the future but its’ not for me right now. dont have a problem reading it but writing is impossible for me. 

i dabbled in all genres. i dont really have a specific genre/niceh i personally enjoy more than the rest or specialized in. i love fantasy, scifi, horror, romance, kinks etc etc. so you’ll find me producing just about anything. you may get trash rom com one day, epic space opera the next, fantastical tales of gods and magic after that, some dark twisted shit later, and anything really when the mood strike me. 

i write for MYSELF. everything i ever produce is bc i wanted it so i did it. so if a fic idea is terrible is only bc I HAVE TERRIBLE TASTES. 

im a very whimsical writer. i write demanding largely on my mood and whatever strike my fancy so it’s all RANDOM which also mean i procrastinate and have a long list of WIPs. i never run out of ideas so that’s the big problem sobs. 

im a voracious reader. if i have to chose b/t writing or reading, it would be reading EVERYTIME YOU ASK ME. i have a semi-secret ao3 reading account with 1k+ bookmarks across various fandoms. it’s my pride and joy!!!!!!!!!!! i love reading fanfic so much T_____T. 

i am a media junkie. i love reading comics (manhwa, manga, webtoons, manhua, etc), watch kdrama/cdramas, love nature/space docu series, tv-shows, etc etc so that leak a lot into my writing. whatever im reading/watching can have influence my reading like wanting to write a gazillion palace aus bc i can’t stop burning through chinese palace/harem dramas. 

i may not be good w/ people but i hope i come off as easy and chill bc i really am!!!! honestly im more afraid of you than you are of me so uh, hi and you’re rad and thanks so much for following me even though i dont think im worth your time lmao /o\. I DONT WANT TO DISAPPOINT YOU BUT I KNOW I WILL. uh, like i said paper thin self esteem.

[franeridart]

dude your recent demon & angel kiribaku art reminds me a little bit of aziraphale and crowley from good omens!! like aziraphale would be angrier as baku obvs but still i thought of it and it made me happy lol

A lot of people have mentioned that in the tags/under the post and that makes me!!! super happy!!!! Good Omens is one of my fav books and Crowley one of my fav characters, so the comment feels nice! I wasn’t specifically thinking about them when drawing it, but possibly a bit I was influenced anyway!! I wonder if what made everyone think about them was Kiri’s sunglasses? It’s not noticeable but I did give him glowing eyes too after all haha

Anon said:Have you ever thought about how op a TodoBakuDeku fusion would be? (if they could stay together that is lol!)

Never thought of it tbh, but at this point I’m pretty sure with a lot of work on Baku’s part they’d be able to stick together long enough! He wouldn’t find it comfortable but they’d def be one of the strongest three-people-fusions in the class - not the strongest, tho, since they all have the same sort of straightforward offensive power when it comes to their quirks, I think I could find three people who’d make a stronger fusion... Baku Kiri and Momo, for example, would be even more impressive imho! Since all their quirks cover a different field, and their minds/personalities mesh well enough to have the right amount of planning and instinctive reaction/self-preservation and safety of others/pride and self-doubt/lawfulness and chaotic acting and so on. Even just as a team, without counting them as a fusion, I think they’d make one of the most balanced ones! Compared to that putting Todo Deku and Baku in the same place is just a recipe for disaster more often than not haha

Anon said:no, i move slow, I wanna stop time, I'll sit here til I find the,, inspiration to draw,,,,,,

LMAO it’s a song about art block after all, I feel every word in it a whole damn lot hahaha

Anon said:Art block or no art block, I love everything you come up with 💜

AW HECK ANON you’re so sweet!!! Thank you so much!!!!! ;O;

Anon said:Mixing thei hero names? So uuuh King Riot?

We still don’t know Baku’s hero name, so anything might be, really! It’s why I didn’t outright have Kiri mention any idea, I got no clue myself where he was going with it haha it’d be cool if his hero name were Ground Zero, because it’d mix well with Red Riot imho (Red Zero or Ground Riot or Red Ground, they all sound nice!) but what if Baku’s hero name ends up just being Katsuki, after all? How do you mix that with Red Riot? (the answer is Red Victory, or Akatsu!! from akai (red) + katsu !! ngl I’ve thought about this a lot lmao) anyway so many possibilities so little known facts!

Anon said:I love the details on Kiri and Baku's skin. Great job!!

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!

Anon said:!!!!!!!!!! fran oh my god your zine piece is so beautiful!!!!!!!

Sob thank youuu!!!! I’m glad you liked it!!!! ;O;

Anon said:i just got my zine and the art and writing was so lovely, i loved your comic at the end. an amazing way to end the zine♡

THANK YOU!!!! I’m jelly, I still haven’t gotten mine ;O; I hope the comic was easy to read even in printed form, I’ve been worried about that for months hahaha rip at least there’s the pdf

Anon said: i’m in love with your kiri bday art!!!! with the colorless art like that, are we allowed to color it? of course no posting it, but just for fun.

If you promise not to post it, I’m cool with it! Thank you for liking it enough to want to do that!!! Seriously tho don’t post it if you do

Anon said:Can you draw more kamisero? g u d q u a l i t y s h i p ma' dude.

Maybe? Currently it really isn’t between my top priorities but who knows

Anon said:FRANNNNN!!!! Your comic for the Take My Hand zine!!!! I'm gonna cry! It's so beautiful and the boys are so perfect! Your art is so amazing, I was so thrilled to see your piece. Not to mention the detail you put in. Their hands killed me! With Bakugou's palms and Kiri's arms! Ugh, I just can't, I love it so much.

I’M SO GLAD YOU LIKED THE HANDS it’s weird bc that one panel is probably my fav in the comic and I was so sure no one was gonna really notice it but!! So many people did!!!!! It makes me so happy oh man ;O;

Anon said:Hey coulda maybe make a traitor Kaminari comic?

Nope! No traitor arts here, sorry! SInce I don’t believe any of the theories to the point of finding them outright laughable, any art I could ever make about it would just come out looking either fake or ridiculous and no one wants to see that lmao

Anon said:your take my hand comic!!! it's so good!! thank you for doing the boys so well ;;;

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOUUUU!!!!!!!!

Anon said:I don't know if you remember, but a couple months ago I asked if it'd be okay for me to write something based on a few of your art pieces. Would that still be alright? Your art is gorgeous and makes my brain think and brings joy to me all the time ^^ would absolutely link to the art and credit you. that's not even a question :)

That still depends on which art you’re specifically talking about! And thank you so much for the compliment!!

Anon said:I don���t know if you read fan fiction, but I have one to suggest to you! It’s called, “It’s Obvious When You Lie”. Only three chapters are out so far, but it’s really good!

I’ll add it to my marked for later list then!! Thank you so much for the rec, I don’t easily try out ongoing fics so this was very nice of u!!!

Anon said:In the body switch AU Todoroki sees how fucked up Midoriya feels around Bakugou('s body?) and realizes wow fuck this guy has traumatized my bf. I wonder what I can do to fuck w/ him so the day before they switch back (So Bakugou can't do much in retaliation) he takes Bakugou's body and does the stupidest bullshit ever as revenge

HECK anon sorry but nothing like this would happen ever as long as I’m the one writing the AU! For three main reasons! One, I don’t think Deku is traumatized at all! His relationship with Baku at the moment is actually pretty damn neat and on equal footing, you go you two, growing so much!! Two, Baku and Todo are friends!!! And Todo would never be a dick to Baku instead of just talking to him, if he had a problem with him!! Three, even if one and two weren’t true, Deku has no need for knights in shining armor fighting his battles for him!! He’s a strong independent boy and if he hasn’t fought Baku over this it’s probs cause he doesn’t want anyone to fight him over it!!! Also in this specific AU Todo and Deku aren’t dating, so the scenario doesn’t work for me! Sorry!

Anon said:Have you ever thought about krbk wedding?

I have! And I’ve talked about it on here a few times too! Lately I’ve been thinking about it again tho, from a designs point of view, because!! There’s that very neat post going around tumblr about that wedding photos in which one of the two grooms has a white tux with a cape, and I’ve been thinking about a variation of it for Kirishima’s wedding suit :0 something red instead of white, but generally similar! It’s a lot of effort to draw it so I still haven’t, but yeh!!

Anon said:Hello! I read this fic about your cat comics and the author said to send you some love in their end notes so here is some well-deserved love: your art is beautiful! It's why I became interested in BakuShima and I would not have loved these characters as much if it weren't for you. You also seem to be a very nice person, your mind is beautiful and I am glad you exist

G O DS this is such a nice ask!!!! thank you so so much!!!! ;O;

Anon said:Non chiedo una risposta a questo messaggio, anzi. Volevo solo dirti che trovo la tua arte FANTASTICA, e non sai quanto i tuoi comic e tutto il tuo lavoro mi ha strappato più di un sorriso in brutti momenti. Sapere che sei italiana mi ha fatto totalmente impazzire. Continua così, hai del talento vero. E grazie!

NUHHHH GRAZIE A TE PER ESSERE COSI’ GENTILE OMFG !!!!!!!!!! ;A;

Anon said:Okay okay okay! I adore your art! Could you maybe... draw some KiriBaku fantasy? If it’s not too much to ask! It can be as simple as can be! Your art is just really cute!

Yes I can and yes I will!!! Definitely and in the near future, did you know one of the app games JUST revealed a fantasy wolf Baku as a special halloween chara?? It’s just fantasy Baku with wolf ears and tail, but he’s adorable and I’ve been wanting to draw him since I saw him this morning ;O; so cute!

Anon said:Pssst. Singer Baku, Guitarist Kami, and Drummer Kiri. A good hc if I do say so myself.

It IS a great thought!! Drummer Kiri and Singer Baku have always been a weakness of mine too, so heck!! What a good image! If we put Jirou on bass and vocals too and sero on keyboard and mina on guitar, you make my fav band right then and there hahaha

Anon said:I'm not in the BNHA fandom at the moment but your art still continues to give me the warm fuzzies

GODS ISN’T THIS A NICE ASK!! I’m happy I can make you enjoy even characters you’re not specifically into! Thank you so much for sticking around!!!! ;O;

Anon said:i just got into bnha and fell in love with your art, started going through your sketch tag, and then realize that youre the person who made a bunch of haikyuu comics i loved a while ago so im! very glad to rediscover your stuff!!

HOLY GODS THAT’S NEAT!!! Welcome back!!!! ;O;

Anon said:I love it when you draw kiri with his hair down 💕💕💕 so good, so pure 💕💕💕💕

Oh boy thank you!! ;O; he’s so much easier to draw with his hair spiked for me, knowing people like the way I draw his hair when down means a whole damn lot!! 

Anon said:Hello! First I love your account and artwork! Second will you ever be drawing Mako and Taiyou again? They are so adorable! Also Bakugou and Kirishima seems like amazing dad's!

Thank you!!! And yes I will! I have another ask around here asking about them, so maybe soon! Just gotta find the right idea to draw, I got a bunch but they’re all way too long for my curret attenton span level sadly hahaha rip

Anon said:lmaaaaooo my boi kaminari be having an emotional awakening

Kaminari is like, he’s always somewhere subconsciously known that Baku’s objectively pretty, but since he knows him so well and he’s always around him and most of the times they’re bickering and making fun of each other he’s never actually realized, so now he’s like oh, NOW I see it hahaha

Anon said:hi u probably get this enough but I wanted to give u all my appreciation for ur art thank u for sharing it with us I love everything u post ♡♡♡

THANK YOU!!!! It might be greedy of me but this sorta asks are never enough for me, so seriously thank you for taking your time to drop by and be so nice!!!

Anon said:Could you please draw more of the body swap au? Or what if a different pair of students were to switch?

I’m not gonna draw any other switch with other students, because before settling on Baku and Todo I went through a lot of possibilities and came to the conclusion that nothing would be as funny as Baku and Todo switched are (or at least nothing Horikoshi hasn’t already done himself lmao) so there’s that. I might draw more of them switched, but to be honest with you the only idea with that concept I have right now is Bakugou forgetting he’s suddenly taller and continuously walking into things around the dorms, so there’s that as well hahaha

[personagf-moved]

alphabet & soft questions ✨

I was tagged by my bb’s @prksjmiin (alphabet ask) and @joonieblossoms (soft ask) and i didn’t want to make two separate posts so im gonna apologize in advance bc i decided to stick both posts together :’) dkdkkdkd yall aint gotta read everything but if u do ily and im sorry i write novels on novels dlfksdkf

i’ll tag @koyasdad, @1ovegf, @joonlit, @sleepyyyoongs, @constellationstars and @capgi 💘

honestly feel free to do either one or both or none if u want dkkdkdkd i just wanted to tag u guys bc ily

Alphabet ask:

a // age: 21

b // birthplace: new jersey!

c // current time: 1:17 am

d // drink you had last: coffee

e // easiest person to talk to: my brother when he isnt being an absolute fool

f // favorite songs: 

aint it fun - paramore

trivia love 

honey - kehlani

abbey - mitski

moonlight - ariana grande

g // grossest memory: i was in the city one time and a bird shit on my forehead. i think about it at least twice a week 

h // horror yes or horror no:  H O R R O R   Y E S   B A B E E E Y Y Y Y Y Y Y im the absolute worst person i’ll dead ass watch a scary movie/video or read horror stories by myself just bc. 

i // in love: with my whole ass soulmate namjoon. i luv u string bean man

j // jealous of people: im not even gonna try to lie i am a very jealous person and i am so sorry about it but i really cant help it lmfao. blame my scorpio venus i guess

k // kids of your own someday: when i say i have been thinking about this everyday.........! i wanna have it all i want the kids the white picket fence the dream house everything. i cant wait to be a mommy one day and love n support my bb’s :’)

l // love at first sight or should i walk by again: we a whole ass fool on main and believe in love at first sight!!!! i really do believe soulmates are a true thing and if a love is destined to be across an infinite span of lifetimes and universes then it will always find its way back. when you know, you know, and i genuinely believe that. 

m // middle name: padilla

n // number of siblings: 1 older brother, 1 half brother (older), and 1 half sister (older)

o // one wish: to find true love

p // person you last called: my manager bc i had a work question lol

q // question you’re always asked: “why are you like this” (usually friends @ me when i wild out...which is like everyday), “are you mad?”, “how old are you REALLY?”, “how’s your brother?” (bc he ghosts all family n i have to speak on his behalf like always fsdfjksdf)

r // random fact about you: i once used a horrible bootleg copy of the force awakens to make a star wars crack video dubbing the part in shrek when he first meets donkey over the scene when rey first met bb-8 and it went viral and has like 200,000 notes and even had articles written about it. also i had a weird fascination with jar jar binks and danny devito when i was in high school and i had a habit of making either one of them my icon on school accounts so i could make people laugh when they emailed me or saw me in a word document skfkkkfkf

s // song you last sang: “abbey” by mitski :’(

t // time you woke up: exactly 10 this morning and it was weird bc i picked up my phone and it had JUST turned 10 when i looked i was so shook lol 

u // underwear colour: she be black 

v // vacation destination: paris bc im a basic bitch :’) also japan/all asian countries. i wanna connect with my roots more :/

w // worst habit: yeeting the fuck outta people’s lives when i think they’re getting too close/when i get overwhelmed. im sorry im a flighty bitch @ anyone i’ve ever ghosted :( i love anyone who’s ever tried to talk to me and its never ur fault, i just get the urge to escape sometimes and i’m trying to fix it 

x // x-rays: omg @ tori dead ass me too tho, i had x-rays when i broke my arm when i was around 6 :o

y // your favorite food: my mom’s spaghetti! and sushi. also i love any and all filipino food but specifically i like nilaga and kare-kare oooo baby

z // zodiac sign: we’re a proud libra sun 

Soft ask:

What’s the smell of your shampoo?

we got them fruity scents up in here we keep that shit smellin like a goddamn strawberry field take a fuckin whiff babes

What’s your aesthetic?

the moon and stars, soft pink and purple sunsets with a burning red on the horizon, sunrises as well, paintings and generally all art revolving around flowers and the celestial, pretty pastel pink and yellow, the sound and smell of rain falling against the window while being curled up in bed uwu 

What’s your favorite time of the day and why?

lately it’s been night time. i generally get more creative and feel more at home during the night. i miss being a morning person tho. 

What do you most like about the beach?

not a lot fklsjdjfkslkdflksdlkf i usually only go to get a tan and walk the boardwalk with my friends, but if i had it my way i would never step foot in the ocean for the rest of my life sdjdjdjdjsj we dont trust her!!!!!!!!!

What do you worry about constantly?

when i’m gonna figure out what i wanna do with my life lol. i took a year off to think about it but all i ended up doing was working myself to exhaustion and getting comfy in a work only mindset and now i’m only even more confused about what i want to pursue. i’m just glad im going to chicago next week because i feel like a change of setting for even just a week could give me a much needed reset on my mindset going into the next year. i worry about the future but the problem is i worry about the present too lol. oh well, we’ll figure it out!

What is a song you’ve cried to before?

oh boy...

trivia love

moonchild

first love

she used to be mine - waitress soundtrack

20 something - sza

26 - paramore

the letter - kehlani

landslide - fleetwood mac

when you see my friends - mayday parade

and many........many many more...... skskskks music is my main emotional outlet so naturally im gonna cry over anything that reflects my heart

What are some relaxing tips for your followers?

as The World’s Number One Most Stressed Out Human Being™️ i am definitely in no way fit to give advice on how to relax LMFAO 

but i guess something that always works for me is putting on music i KNOW will make me sing a long or make me happy to distract me from the nerves i’m feeling. also putting on my favorite comfort movies to make me feel better (they’re big fish, scott pilgrim vs the world, and spirited away btw lol)

 What are some things that make you tear up?

the ending of coco, seeing my mom cry, or anyone i love cry tbh, when children are neglected/abused, thinking about the world i’ll have to bring my future children into and how i’m going to be able to teach them to stay strong and bright in the face of it, lyrics that hit too close to home, absolutely anything tbh i cry easy

What is your favorite from each sense?

sight - the view of my cherry blossom tree against a pink sunset in the spring of my childhood home, a person’s eyes and how they light up when they smile, especially when they crinkle as they laugh

smell - the earth after rain, a forest in autumn

taste - my mom’s cooking, good coffee on an early morning

sound - beautiful melodies and harmonies to accompany them, a baby cooing, birds chirping at sunrise

touch - my pillow when its nice and cool, a cat’s tummy, a baby’s cheeks, fingers running through my hair

What is an alternative reality you’d like to live in?

one where im married to namjoon n we have a lot of smart musical prodigy babies who have his dopey smile and i live comfortably in our big ass home in korea where i raise our babies n get that good pipe down every night like i should

jk i wanna live in a reality where magic is real and i can cast spells and live my best life as the true witch that i am

What are some troubles you face on a daily basis?

for starters im ugly as shit so theres one

if we mean practically then i have really bad knees and i recently busted them again so its been really hard getting up and down stairs lately and bending over 

but idk theres not really much. emotionally i just tend to get withdrawn and timid in public so it can be hard for me to speak up when i go out

What is one scene from a book that makes you really sad?

unfortunately i haven’t read as many books lately as i did when i was younger...so a lot of my memories are from books that i read like as a kid lol......THAT BEING SAID i think rue and finnick’s death in the hunger games was truly heartbreaking to read, the spine of my copies of both books have cracks on those pages bc i had to read it several times just to really believe it. also i thought it was written so heart wrenchingly well that i had to go back.  also in looking for alaska when pudge, a man who loved to know people’s last words, realized that he would never know alaska’s last words. im also really thankful for that book bc it introduced me to wh auden’s poetry and to this day he’s still one of my favorite poets of all time.  

Say something to your followers:

thank you thank you thank you thank you THANK YOU for following me and for some reason deciding to stay after how many times i act up on the daily. all jokes aside i really appreciate every single one of you no matter the number and i sincerely hope that you always have love and joy in your heart and that 2019 treats you well. i HONESTLY mean it when i say that i am always here if you guys want to talk or send me things or roast me or talk shit seriously i wanna hear it all and talk about it all i think all of you are so interesting and so beautiful and i’d love to get to know more about you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU GUYS! yeet!

[moomooblackshep]

My dysphoria

Well... I'm 26 and so very fucking trans. Ftm. Pre everything. Fuck. It finally makes sense. For the longest time I've always identified as a crossdresser when much younger and then gay as a teen. As gay I've been out to most of my friends, took a while to come out to the family. I hate the word lesbian because it's a label that just doesn't fit and now this. I've only told my closest friends about the trans thing right now. Hopefully I can tell my mom about it later on when I finish my schooling again. Be warned this is long to whoever reads this.

The community has been very visible lately, YouTubers are also getting in on that band wagon. Media over all is so vocal about it now. Also, my mother used to watch a lot of trans surgeries for a solid year and would make me watch it with her. Those were disturbing but dear God like a train wreck I couldn't look away. It wasn't the surgeries that made me realize but they did open up my mind about researching and just looking into what trans is. Looking back there are many red flags. My dysphoria was generally supressed. I remember when I was young, around 10, I considered myself a crossdresser. I was new to the internet then since we just immigrated to Canada and I couldn't stop reading psychology books, journals, articles, anything I can get my hands on to put a label on what I am. I didnt make sense so I settled for something that seemed the closest thing I could find, crossdresser. I internalized that and moved on. We also didn't have much money at the time so I started wearing my brothers clothes and it felt right. Prior to moving into a new country my clothes consisted of dress like uniforms for school and shorts and t-shirt for home/play clothes. My classmates here then started asking me why I dress in boy clothes and I always said I was a crossdresser. They'll have a look on their face but I wasn't making a big deal out of it so they didn't either. I was also the kid that's good at art and I used to give them away a lot when done which people always wanted for some reason. I was also pretty calm and just took a lot of things at face value so people knew they could tell me whatever and I won't freak out, it apparently helped because I was told a hella amount of secrets. Graduation came and yearbooks were signed. Some even said I was the coolest crossdresser they knew and that hopefully everything worked out for me. Then highschool hit and suddenly the whole gay thing cropped up. I realized I didn't like boys early on. It was weird. Everyone tells me that I should and that I have to but I knew I didn't like boys like that at all. When I was younger still, by the pics probably as young as three maybe five, I had a playmate that everyone and their grandmother keep saying that he's my boyfriend. As far as I remember I've always denied it. I had mostly boy playmates but the few girls around I always took special care to make them feel included or give them attention. I didn't understand them. I didn't know why they liked only certain games like the dancing, skip rope, the make up or why they prefer dresses or various things I can't even remember now. I always chalked it up to my two older brothers will beat anyone up that doesn't include me in their games or are mean to me. It was a small enclosed neighborhood. My brothers were in the older crowd and knew everyone being 7 and 9 years older than I was. It still didn't make it any less confusing to me tho. I questioned a lot of things but no one would give me answers or they'll just ignore me. It didn't help that my mother always said disparaging things towards gays. Things about religion and how shameful it is. I don't want to get into it but I ended up internalizing it. We're also Catholic so the Catholic values of how we are in God's image, we should treat everyone as how we would treat ourselves and how God loves us clashed horribly with what she was saying sometimes. I was confused for a while but I tried to rationalize it myself and came up with "he's (the gay man my mom criticized and the only gay person I knew growing up) happy, he seemed comfortable with himself, he's not hurting anyone, he seems like a good person. So I said to myself that if he's all that then it's okay. It's his life and it's his choices. But even when it's okay for him to be gay I knew I wasn't allowed to be gay because of the homopobia my family was showing. I was probably around 7-8 at the point when this all went down. This is also why I stay away from church now. The hypocrisy is something that gets to me but I have my faith and I just try to live as "good" as I can while still being human. I'm probably missing a lot of the stuff because I don't remember much of my childhood. Anyways, that's the internal homophobia and why I couldn't be comfortable with it until later on in my life. By the time highschool rolled around I've immersed myself into the internet and have accepted my love for the female form. Also porn and Anime was a great motivation for an asian teen. Went to an all girls school for highschool, met my best friend in grade nine and proceeded to date her the following year. We lasted all of highschool but I knew I wasn't the best gf at the time or ever. We broke up because she was moving on to better things and I was lost and not going anywhere, I wasn't gonna hold her back to not experience stuff, so we split amicably. We're kind of friends still and adulting sucks. On that note, my dysphoria. In all honesty I never took it as that because my mental and emotional coping mechanisms are suppression and distraction. Anyways, as a kid I always envied the boys. They're always portrayed as being stronger, bigger, the hero, they seemed to have more freedom. As a kid I wanted that. Everyone treated me like such a delicate girl when I didn't feel like a girl at all much less delicate. I was a crybaby sure but that was because my brothers teased me relentlessly and the only time they'll stop at all is if I cry. I wasn't allowed a lot of freedom for expressing myself either because it was met with indifference or anger from my family so I had to figure a lot of things out by myself. Mom isn't the most affectionate or vocal person about feelings either so it's just been me for a long while. Looking back it was a steady progression and the feeling of helplessness that I can't change my sex. It permeated my entire being so I supressed and distracted myself and accepted that I can't do anything about it. Until I was 10 I tollerated the dress ups mom used to put me in, the expectations of being a girl was just another duty I had to uphold as the "youngest daughter" even the long hair was a point of annoyance for me. It was grown past my butt and I hated every second of it. I used to bug mom to get shorter hair, to have a cut like the guys and she gave in once when I caught her on a good day and she cut it to my shoulders. I was happy. It was a step in the right direction. Now if only I can get pants and a dick I'd be happier. Fast forward to puberty and lord was that a thrilling ride. Labelled myself as crossdresser in elementary and now Im gay leaning to Butch lesbian in highschool. Fuck I hated that but again it was another thing I had to tollerated because I couldn't change my sex. I knew transexuals existed mostly I thought that only applied to effeminated men. Aka gay men crossdressing. It didn't connect in my brain that women can be transexuals too. I thought they were just butch/ stud women. I was sheltered and very big on the internal homopobia okay. Now, highschool brought more insecurities. My chest grew like what it does during puberty. I wasn't happy about that. I was a chubby kid but fuck that was such a bad time. I hated them. I strapped them down as much as I can with tape or ace bandages, we had med kits everywhere, when that didn't work I'd wear something to try and flatten them or super baggy clothes. Also I had smaller bras than what I needed so it made them smaller. Had to hunch to hide them. I couldn't figure out why girls bought lingerie for them or why the hell they show it off. I forget a lot that people don't feel what I feel and that I'm not normal. Even with me wanting my chest to be gone but mostly be more male type I also wanted bigger shoulders, a few more inches in height (I'm 5'6), a deeper voice, my jaw and cheeks to be chiseled like the males I see in media. Yeah that was a trip into a rabbit hole. When I was younger I wanted to be like the guys in anime with the body builder like body, the voice, the heroism, the super powers because it's anime and surprisingly how they get the loyal girl. I learned all the chivalry because I always see myself as the guy in the relationship. Flowers, compliments, do nice things even if I don't say my feelings, open a door, pull out a chair, make a girl laugh. Then being a bit older still made me want all those things but now I have certain preference for girls, I wanted to be tall dark and handsome. It's more about being debonair with chivalry thrown in together and having adventures with my partner. It just became more age appropriate as time went on. It was all so confusing but I took the idea and ran with it. I couldn't change my sex? Fine. I'll suppress the need to cry and the depression until I can be free to be myself. Also known as me living by myself. I was terrified of what my family will say and how they'll react. They tried hard to make me girly during highschool and I just repeatedly said no. I never said I was a boy but I saw the need for them to turn me into this girl that I've never felt I was. I hated it. Then I fixated on the aspects I can change. My hair, the way I dressed. How I presented myself. I didn't change my pronouns or name because while I didn't like it it was negligible in the whole. There wasn't much to change to begin with since I already dressed as a male most of the time. Crossdresser in elementary remember. Wasn't much of a shock to the family really, just more annoyance cuz I took my brothers clothes. I sound like I hate everything but aside from a few things that I just glaze my eyes over now I'm pretty laid back and chill. It's just the way I present myself that really gets to me. Ive never given a fuck on why or how others percieved me aside from my family. 15/16 was a rough time. Suicidal thoughts started and escalated. I started self medicating in that I took up smoking cigarettes and weed to dissociate from everything. For a while it worked. Suicide was very close to happening, had it all planned out but when I came home mom was weirdly home. Once we were in Canada my brothers disappeared mostly because of college/uni and work. Mom was the same, she had three jobs at one point to cover all our expenses and Dad hasn't been in the picture for a long while. But yeah, mom was home in a rare off day. We somehow watched a documentary or a show that had suicide in it and she started talking about it. Could've knocked me over when she said that she wouldn't know what to do if she ever found us, mostly me, like that. How she would be devastated and everything. Things like that. It fucking threw me for a damn loop. But I was fucked up and that night I just kept writing and writing and writing until the sun was up and I had to go to school. When I came home no one was there again and I just broke down. My emotional instability, my hopelessness that I can't have the body/sex I want and need, my loneliness, thinking that my family doesn't love me just finally broke me. So I cracked. I cried and I screamed and I just fucking let go. At one point the neighbours even knocked on the door to see wtf was happening. Wiped my face, plastered a smile and said I was practicing for drama class and sorry that I bothered them. I had drama anyways with a play that year so when the neighbours brought it up with mom it was a solid excuse. After that the supressing habit became so strong that for example when I glance at my chest it just disappears from my mind that I even looked at them. There are days where I'm 100% okay with them ( or any part of my body that I can't deal with)for several minutes and I'll look at them and inspect them then later on I'm back to trying to find something to strap them down because the anxiety and panic is back that I don't have the right body. Once the break down was over I couldn't function for days. The dysphoria and depression just consumed me so I figured I needed to do what I needed to do. I cut myself off from that part of me emotionally and mentally. I hid it and I ran. I distracted myself with bad relationships,bad friends, the drug habit kicked up and I even became entangled in the crowd I never wanted to be in. I was a mess and as long as there was something else to worry about I didn't have to deal with myself. It worked for a long ass while but I was never happy. I've never felt joy after that breakdown. I had some contentment but that was it. The lows were manageable because once it starts I pick up a new thing to distract myself. Adult me discovered binders, bought a bunch of them with my first credit card. I was 18/19 and in college. I couldn't wait for it. Finally! I get to have a flat chest. They came and I couldn't be happier. I wore them every day from the time after I shower to just before I slept. Sometimes my mom would wake me to go to the store and I'll throw it on before my clothes. For a solid two years I wore it like my second skin. I went out to my first drink with my second brother with it on. Went to a gay club and picked up someone with it on. Worked in it even though that was a bad time. I was confident as hell. I was finally a step closer to myself. I was mistaken for a guy more often than not and that was fantastic. Then the inevitable happened. I lost them when my mom raided my room with no warning to clean it because it wasn't up to her standards and took all my laundry. I was frantic in looking for them. I was desperate. I kept asking mom where they are. I only ever got one of them back but I went into such a depressive state that shame and guilt and self doubt/hate came crashing back down on me and I couldn't wear it anymore. I went on a drinking bender at that point and I moved out at 20. 21 and I became an alcoholic for the next year. The truth that I'm stuck in this body slapped me so hard I slipped. I dropped out of college, drank from morning till night, was even drunk when I was at work. I just slipped. It was so easy but in the end I had to pick myself up. My family didn't notice much. Just that I was never home and mom and I had a blow out because she expects me home when no one is even home. When there's no food in the house because I didn't know how to cook at the time. She also kept pushing if I was gay and i admitted it. I was never gonna be ready so I just sucked it up and said it even though it felt wrong. Let me be clear as a transman man I'm not gay but right now I'm still seen as a cis woman. Im pre everything so I will, for now, say I'm gay. However, I'm a man trapped in the body of a woman and there is not much I can do until I start transitioning. After that horrible dip in my emotional instability I stopped binding. I just picked up shitty girlfriends after shitty girlfriends. Girls who were selfish and immature and made it all about them without giving back to me. I got stressed over that instead of my body and managing them is more doable than my body. Don't get me wrong I could've dropped them any time since I knew what I was getting into. My need to run from my dysphoria intensified my so called "need" to have them around. Did I love them? No. They were a means to an end and a way to distract myself. Have I ever loved any of them? I did love my first girlfriend but I never gave her what she deserved. When she broke up with me I was sad but I knew that she needed to grow into the person she wanted to be. I wanted her to find happiness even though it wasn't with me. So I let her go. Not completely tho. We're ish friends and I'd rather have that than nothing at all. At 24 I went back to school to finally graduate college. I picked up another shitty girlfriend for 7 months and 2 months after I ended my last relationship. My best friends just laughed and shook their heads at me because they can't believe I'm doing it again after I'm trying to get my shit together. But that was the last relationship I went into. The trans community started being more visible then. Acceptance for LGBT+ was at an all time high. Mom and I were okay. Things were looking up. Me being single was terrifying because I slowly started to unpack all my issues. I had supportive friends who won't leave me, my family is okay with me, I lived alone for a while but came back to mom's because her house is closer to the school and they've been trying to get me to move back in for the last four years. At 25 I just started unpacking and unpacking and unpacking and dear God the amount of issues I had to resolve with myself was a fucking lot. But the biggest is my dysphoria so I researched and read and watched a ton of vids to finally come to the conclusion that I'm trans. I'm trans not because I hate my body but because I believe I'm in the wrong one. It's terrifying to know that because there's no immediate remedy. I'm trapped and the process to switch is long, expensive and not permanent in a way I won't ever have the biological markers without outside influence. Having biological kids will be an issue too but I've always thought that I would never give birth to one, I've always assumed that I would adopt or somehow one of my friends will make me the guardian for theirs if they ever pass away. I've never felt compelled to have one of my own. A family yes but I would love any child in my family whether it's biological or someone else's. At 26, just had my birthday last month, I'm contemplating transitioning in the next year or so. I still have issues to work through but I think when I talk to a psychiatrist or counselor I would be okay. It's a lot to consider and I need to be sure it's the right way for me. In all honesty I'm pretty sure I'll transition. I've waited long enough I can wait a little longer to make an informed decision.

To whoever is reading this just know that it was hard and difficult journey for me but if you can accept the situation even just a little, enough to get you through until you can deal with it financially, emotionally and mentally it gets easier. Self hate is a very heavy burden to carry I wish it could be easier but youre a stronger person for it in the end. It helps to focus on other things to build your life. Finish school, have a good job, maybe a relationship because if you focus too much on the dysphoria once it's taken care of you will still have life in general to deal with and it's good to have the ideal life you want ready for you because you built it and you changing your body is the last piece to make it perfect.

[yuniixoxo]

KPOP BIGGER TAG!

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧Hello! 💘 So I got tagged by @vulpi-xing​ to do this Kpop tag game, so thank you so much! 💞

After a long time without some tag games, Im finally back! I´ve been tagged in some posts and finally, im going to do them 😂 So thats the reason Im so late at this, lmao. So sorry to the ones to have tagged me~~💞💞🙈 I will sure be better from now on! 

I used a very long time on this, because damn. Look at how long it is, lol. Anyway no worries @vulpi-xing​ , I had some time now so it was perfect 😂👍💖 love you! 

Alright, lets go! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

1.) 5 favorite groups? - BTS, Exo, Seventeen, Blackpink, Red Velvet

2.) Top 5 on your bias list? - Just going to say this first, my bias list changes everyday, like nO JOKE. I cant keEP UP. But for today (or for now, lol) its Jungkook, Yoongi, Baekhyun, Jisoo and Irene. 

3.) Ult Bias group and why you love them? -  I would say Bangtan, even tho EXO were the first kpop boygroup I liked. But dont get me wrong, my love for EXO has not (and will never) fade away, they will alway be my babies who I will always protect 💞 anyway, so the reason why Bangtan are my ultimate? well, long story short; they have helped me through my life with their lyrics and songs and knowing that I have almost went through the same things as they do and have the answers and the help I needed when I didnt know what to do 💜 

4.) Ult Bias and why you love them? - THIS IS HARD. Okey but i think im going to talk about Jungkook in this one. He has been my bias since I noticed them, back then in 2014. And I always changed my bias along side with Jungkook. But he caught my attention because, knowing that he is the same age as me and have accomplished so many things in life, is like, I also have accomplished as well, if you get what I mean? Like he is me, but not “me-me”, LMAO IDK HOW TO SAY IT. He was the shy kid who went to Seoul alone to follow his dreams. I was also shy and I regret that I didnt do much back then, so seeing this little kid  (growing up to be mAN, WOW) and reached his goal, is making me proud of him and kinda myself because, I see this person have so much passion for the things he loves and I wish I could do that too, so im kinda sending “my energy and vibes” to him. Im sending my happy and positive vibes and so much love to “myself” aka Jeon Jungkook because I want to see this person forever happy and love the things he does ❤️

( I understand if you dont get what I mean, lmao. I used a very long time to write this down, because it was hard to explain it, ncdkjvndfjv. ) 

5.) Favorite Kpop Meme - oH WOW, hold on...

This was the best one I had on my folder, lmao (¬‿¬) 

6.) Favorite pic of your ult? (I dare you to only pick one) - whAT UHM

IT WAS HARD TO CHOOSE ONLY ONE (1) ! But look at this little baby bunny :( 

7.) 5 Favorite Kpop MVs - BTS - Spring Day, BTS - Just one day, Seventeen- Dont wanna cry, BTS - Blood, Sweat & Tears, Oh My Girl - Closer, Ten - Dream In A Dream, JJ Project - Today, Tomorrow 

8.) 10 Favorite Kpop songs? - Woah wait, this list is going to be so long so I think im going to drop this. But I can say which is my fave right now; BlackPink - Forever Young ❤️

9.) Favorite Kpop crack video? - Hmmm... I dont think I have one? 😂 wtf

10.) Favorite content creator within the fandom? - I actually dont have a favorite one, I like everyone´s creator! 

11.) What fandoms would you say you’re an active member of? - Hmm.. at the moment, I would say BTS and Blackpink 🙈

12.) Take your top 3 biases- fmk - M: Baekhyun. K: Irene ( i love you with all of my heart, okey? ❤️😔)  F: Jungkook (Istg, Im not this kind of fan, ONLY SOFT HOURS) 

13.) If you could be best friends with any idol, who would you choose? - Yoongi, where you at? 

14.) If you could date any idol, who? - Well, I dont know them personally, so not sure... 👀 tbh, it would be cool to be friends/bestfriends with all of BTS, and see where it leads there 👀👀👀👀 

15.) What’s one Kpop album you think everyone should have listened to? - HYYH Part 2, do not sleep on this. 

16.) Are you a soft or a hard stan? - Soft, only soft ... (👀 ) jOKING, ONLY SOFT. (why am i doing this to myself) 

17.) An idol that makes you go into soft mode? - HaaaaAAAaaa, Jung Hoseok uwu 😣

18.) An idol that makes you want to smash the empire state building with one single punch? - Kim Namjoon, like literally. 

19.) Favorite vocalist? - Taeyeon! 

20.) Favorite Rapper? - Yoongi 🖤

21.) Favorite dancer? - Hoseeeoook 👑

22.) Things you have in common with your ult? - We have passion in dancing and we´re kinda both shy, but we do many weird things with the people we are comfortable with :) 

23.) The most beautiful trait any idol can have? - Hmm, a very nice, kind and down to earth - personality with a killer smile who makes everyone go insanse, yeet

24.) Songs that will always make you jam along? - PENTAGON’S SHINE IS THAT SONG!!!! (im taking this from you @vulpi-xing , because I DO FREAKING AGREE) 

25.) Your worst wrecker? - Right now? ITS JUNG HOSEOK. STAY IN YOUR LANE, MAN. 

26.) Any kpop concerts you’ve been to? - Not yeeet, becUASE IM GOING TO THE BTS CONCERT IN AMSTERDAM (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

27.) Favorite choreo? -  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2rS6vXApF0&t=0s&list=LL1JIlKfRCr_A4QAFBvgRcSw&index=111   (You´re welcome ) 

28.) Favorite live performance? - BTS - best of me, Anpanman and Airplane pt. 2! 

29.) Favorite debut mv? - G(Idle) - Latata 

30.) Recommend a rookie group! - Oh My Girl, VIXX, B1A4, Pentagon

31.) A kpop song you could listen to every day for the rest of your life? - BTS - Save me 

32.) Tag some cute mutuals you’d like to get to know better (and to do this challenge)! -  @minyoongsueit @kxmwoojxn @yungkbri @bfjhs @hoshimybabe (you dont need to do it of course, its all up to you 💕 Have fun! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ ) 

[moidse]

bruh

So i basically started the hard convo of just saying my issues with sex with my partner and how like i don’t feel a strong sexual connection and what i think needs to change for them and they also told me how i need to change.... and idk i feel like i need more time to process things before i talk to them again about it. 

because the tea is that I’m def less sexually attracted to them now then when I first met them and hit on them because i thought they were so cute.. like after learning they didn’t wanna have sex with me my attraction to them definitely dipped. I mean, it’s not hot for someone to be like yeah i don’t wanna have sex with you... it lowkey ruins the fantasies in my head. And after my sexual fantasies I used to have toward them started fading away because I figured it was never gonna happen, my sexual attraction toward them went down as well.. and i honestly feel like it just stayed down... sometimes i’ll be horny and drunk and wanna fuck but like, i no longer really fantasy about them much at all. Like I need to watch porn or think about my ex or something else to really get off and like get off GOOD. ... there are these things that I do not feel like I could share with them because it would hurt there feelings deeply.. I used to fantasize about them until I realized reality and the fantasy weren’t gonna happen so... it’s just like I can’t fantasy about someone who I don’t have much sexual chemistry with. Sometimes I’m like it’s been so long what does having sexual chemistry even feel like?? jk tho like i remember but you know what i mean...

Another part of me worries that like....and like tea, i’m afraid of admitting this to myself, but like what if I just see myself as a boy and am attracted to girls and that’s the type of sex I like..... it just had me thinking this because I brought up how them not cumming is a bummer and they said that sounds really hetero... and i was like it’s been an issue in my past queer relationships.. like i get that they mean that’s a hetero framework of what the goals of sex are, BUT also I’m like bitch you’ve never made your partner cum before or came at the same time as your partner and FELT HOW GOOD IT IS!!!!! Like, one of the things that turns me on the most during sex is hearing my partner moan and the moans get more intense until they cum! It literally gets me SOOOO wet... and it’s like a motivation for me to dick someone down.. I’m like oh yeah baby i’m gonna make you cum so hard.... like i dont say that but its what’s hot... and they’re just like asking me if I can accept that some of my favorite parts about sex are just not available... they are just not on the menu... I guess I’ve been struggling with this for months because I honestly really thought they’d be more open to trying to figure how to cum on their own or do something to make it work but idk.. I also personally know what it feels like to have your partner pressure you in this way but idk I am just much farther in knowing my sexual wants and needs and they aren’t even comfortable talking about them...It just feels like on a list of my fav sexual fantasies we can’t do any, so how am i supposed to stay excited and motivated to be doing this?

Like, I do think part of the issue is I really need to let go of my last relationship and how the sex was literally next level and understand that was that relationship and I will never feel those highs and pleasures in this relationship... BUT THAT’S SO DEPRESSINGGGGG ughghhjsdnfksld..  But when I think about what was so so so hot in that relationship in the beginning was I felt very much like I was the guy in the relationship and they were the girl.. which that was a dynamic I had never had before and always thought I didn’t want that but I was surprised how much it turned me on and made me feel confident and me... They fucked me like i was a boy would tease me like i was a boy and just really made me feel like i was seen as a boy and not only seen but they LOVED it and it turned them on so much that I am a hot boy and it really did things for my confidence and me feeling gender euphoria... 

and with my current partner i do not feel seen as a boy at all and i do not think me being a boy turns them on .. i do not think they would date a boy... i feel like they saw me as a girl and really only say i’m a boy when i like spoon feed it to them... and also i know they do not want to be perceived as a girl which neither did my last partner but that’s just how it felt for me and i really thought it was so hot. 

And then i loved that we would switch and I would be the girl and they would be the aggressive boy.... I guess i really like a boy girl dynamic or like top/bottom , dom/sub ... but like, I felt like i needed to be seen and fully seen as boy first and fully believe that before i could comfortable switch into being girl and them being boy... and I don’t feel seen as being a boy... like my partner, do they even want to be dicked down? like... idk I don’t feel like a sexy boy.... and it just doesn’t feel right. it’s almost like sex can be a little dysphoria inducing at times... Idk it’s hard because I just deeply fear that they are not into a boy girl dynamic at all and sooooooooooo idk what to do. I like that dynamic. and my last partner was sooo confident and knew they were sexy and all these things like everything was so easy...

idk they would say very stereotypical boy things to me to try to flirt and it made me feel really good,, like i remember them being like wow your so strong and saying it in a super flirtatious way and saying how my red boxers and black t-shirt combo turned them on so much and i just felt like they saw me as a boy and flirted with me like I’m a hetero boy and i LOVED it and it made me feel seen and euphoric. but I can’t say that to them because then they’ll say so you see me as a girl.. and it’s like no, but i thought originally that maybe you would be down to act like my slutty little girl in the bedroom.... ughh that just turned me on typing that .. that would be so hot..

part of me is like I need to be with someone that is bisexual again... or someone who likes cis boys... i know im not a cis boy but i want to be treated like one and flirted and teased like one... that was the thing, they were sooo down to be my little slut they were constantly send me hot pics and videos,, never asked for any back... and they just like being slutty for me and it was SOOO hot.. they were my little fuck toy and i miss it... 

like when we switched places and they were daddy and i was their baby girl... like i like ddlg i guess is what i’m getting at lmao. holy shit, maybe i just cracked the code. I’m just into DDLG ... this... makes... SO MUCH SENSE LMAOOOO wowowowowowowowwwo

[crystu-cii]

Thank you!! I had a lot of schoolwork so that's why I was so busy(cough and I definitely did all of it and didn't leave any of it for today since I stayed up til five am being productive, most definitely. Yep.) 💕💕

Moodd-- XDD

Oh wow-- okay but that reminds me of something- I've heard of adults taking on a "worksona" to get things done so you?? Basically did that?? You took on a persona that caused people to take you more seriously! I don't think it's cringey at all, it's actually super cool!! Especially taking on the attitude/mindset of a character? That's so interesting and neat!!

See that's ALSO cool, and evidence of it having a desired effect :3c

OOOOH-- me too tbh- or like a video game protag? But if I were a video game or anime protag, I'd better have or recieve animal ears XDD MAKE IT FUN AT LEAST XD

OMS XDD That's p h e n o m e n a l -

!!! ;w; aww I see what you mean- damn you're getting rhcb on your dash? Why am I not getting rhcb?? XD NOOO YOUR BLOG ISNT BORING-- I love it with all my heart and I think it's great, and even though breakfast seemed a little long that's cause transitioning is difficult and stuff, so that's okay :3

WAIT THAT'S SO SMART CRYS.... YOURE SO SMART WH??? YOUR INTELLIGENCE CLEARLY SURPASSES MINE-- XDD

Ahhh I wish I had an au ;w; but I d o n t, and I definitely don't have an ellie-centered one ;w; I really want to make an ask blog I'm just like- ah- no thoughts, head empty-

Also dw advice is g r e a t l y appreciated!! ✨💖💕💞❤️

omg same- i have a crap ton of work that i can literally do NOW and get it over with but im like "NAHHHHHHH" xD but i at least did some work of it- even tho im sure its not even good but its my teacher's fault for saying "something is better than nothing" a whole dam lot XDD

and ohHHH that might be what it is- yeah ! thinking back on it i also do find it hella cool- i was able to be the teacher's pet for some of my classes xD- but then if any of my classmates see me during lunch time i would be here loud ASFFF and also saying the weirdest nonsense ever- omg i can ramble about how cool school was WITHOUT the work yknow? like all the events- friends- and ALL that is awesome xDD and also thanks for thinking its neat! i kinda had fun messing around with people- god i feel kinda mean- XDDD

and HELL YEAH GIVE ME ANIMAL EARS GOD-- XDD omg whats funny is that i am in LOVEE with animal headbands- headbands are literally my comfort item at this point- when i go outside without one- i just dont feel the same xD one time at christmas my bro gave me a cat headband that has switch so it lights up- and i was OBSESSSED with it that i wore it literally everyday at school- and OMG YKNOW WHATS FUNNY: thats how people know who i am- because of my headbands- which is actually convenient cause NO ONE KNOWS MY NAME- like they would know me as a smart girl but they would have no clue who tf i am (because i am soooo not social in school xD)

and cause i wear the same headband everyday- people have kinda known me for it- and kinda just started calling me "cat girl" or "cat ears" or SMTH along with cat in it- it was funny XDD but also my brain tells me "people call you this because thats what happens when you dont have many friends-" and im like "yeAh i KNOW-" xD but after like a semester i stopped wearing the cat headband cause got new headbands! they are like pom poms! i had white ones and the other headband is black ones- i switch between them usually to match my outfit or how im feeling today xD

and AS YOU KNOW IT- i got crazy nicknames- and little did i know it WAS WAYY FUNNIER than with the cat headband- omg- i can list you all the things i remember:

"snowballs" "fuzzy ears" "white/black fuzz" "RABBIT TAIL EARS-" (THAT one was what my teacher called me before knowing my name and my friend witnessed it- in fact i got the audio recorded xD) and also names something along the line of "bear ears" or smth- gosh it went wild- i felt popular xD i would also have friends that would softly bap on of my pom poms just for the sake of messing with me- xDDD

but anyways- with rhcb OH BOY OH BOY- YOU SHOULD SEE THE HENRY STICKMIN CHARACTER TAGS ON INSTAGRAM- the cat ears on characters was WIILLLDDD- there were also so many neko reginalds and shit it was crazy but awesome xDDD

and yeah the breakfast arc i felt like it was the oppurtunity for the triple threat themselves to answer lotta questions- kinda a filler arc- but thank GOD the questions i got now were just boring- or it would be better for the toppats to answer- youd never know! and yknow what- ill just say it now- yknow how henry doesnt know all that much of stickcats? yeah- but guess what- reginald knows a whole lot more ( or well- supposed to) so i wished the people viewed it as reginald the master of knowing stickcats- i even thought of a spinoff comic series where when someone asks a good question about stickcats- it would trigger a class lesson as a jokey concept XDD with sensei reggie! BAHHAA sadly i think i, as the mod, already answered a lot of those questions- so sadly it might not become a thing xD

and YESSS I FELT BIG BRAIN FOR IT- and i think sending myself questions was what made the blog spread easily- cause when you make a blog- its going to be hard for someone to ask you questions first- especially since your post will takes days til it finally shows up on the tags- so may as well make your own questions! at first- i created the blog on my phone- and sadly on my phone it wouldnt let me ask my own blog( but i didnt know you CAN send yourself asks just by going on a computer or laptop- xD) so i yelled at two of my friends like "HRYHEYEHYEHEY THIS IS SOO OUT OF CONTEXT BUT CAN YOU GO ON TUMBLR FOR ME-" XDD and those two friends were the first asks of the whole blog! when henry woke up! (this is all- what i call- a pro gamer move-- /hj XDD)

and awhhh- i feel that- i literally also have the power to make an very suspenseful story with an interesting au- but what i decide to do? "HEY- WHAT IF WE ADD CAT EARS AND TAILS ON STICKFIGURES- " and what i tell myself? "OH- GENIUS- gonna start a whole ass blog-" XDDD but ALL of my AUs are just comfort AUs- i wrote stories of three of them(if you count the stickcat au) while the rest i just daydream- xD i could list them in the next post if you are somehow interested XDD

and thank gosh! i hope what i say would be considered advice- even though im just stating what i do and all xD but thank you!!! 💞💞❤️😭❤️❤️😭💞

[shvr]

thoughts on gender n shit

throwing this under a readmore bc its mostly just me rambling and itll probably get very long so apologies to any mobile users (unless mobile supports readmores now? im not sure)

anyway im thinking abt this bc its been a bit of a relevant topic today, although i’m not sure where to start with it...i guess ill start with gender hijinks since that’s been whats plaguing me over the last few weeks

also this is a very personal post and its very...unedited and kind of just raw thought so please have some patience if something doesnt make sense.

--

ive been thinking about my gender a lot and how it affects my romantic/sexual orientation, mostly bc sometimes i get Boy feelings and its really....confusing to me, whom is a lesbian and woman-aligned and generally kind of....repulsed by men. But i got definite Boy feelings esp with my gender and its quite the monkey wrench into my hard-established self-confidence and self-acceptance in terms of gender and orientation. 

like....i feel like a lot of my gender dysphoria stems from the fact that do to societal norms and expectations i am perceived as a girl and thats really...triggering ig esp for my bodily dysphoria. like its taken me a while (and its still on and off) to be comfortable with my body and the way it...for lack of a better word, makes me appear.

but i kind of...do want to transition in some way so ive looked into stuff like T and ive been thinking about it a LOT lately and whether or not i really want it for myself or if it will make me happy. a lot of my gender feelings are just me internally screaming I’m Not A Girl whenever the situation arises when i have to conform to that expectation or perception.

but sometimes its more than that?? sometimes i feel like i want to be a boy or i feel like i just want to be more masculine. i mean, the appeal is obvious. if i can be socially accepted as a man or a masculine person, then by association id be able to avoid or stop dealing with misogyny and other troubles that come with womanhood. its a good deal. but i usually just brush off these Boy feelings bc of that and for the same reason i treat them like theyre not real or valid.

but these Boy feelings are def...there. and they arent going away despite my own aggressive self acceptance of my (turbulent) relationship to womanhood. but its not like i dont or am forcing a relationship w womanhood, like theres most definitely Girl feelings all up in my gender, but i guess the two are conflicting and causing me confusion because i just don’t know how to sort them out. i feel like i *need* to stick to one side or the other and i’m not sure if it’s...i guess, RIGHT to want to have a relationship with both womanhood and manhood. or if its even possible.

but lately ive been noticing that i tend to gravitate towards the kind of....uhg, i dont know if im even wording this respectfully (if im not and you know a better way please please Please let me know) ...the “feminine man” trope where a character is clearly male or masculine but is still ethereally feminine and beautiful, and are respected or even admired for such. i tend to like these characters and i originally thought it was bc of my general aversion to men and stereotypical masculinity. but as my thoughts on gender have been getting in the mix i think its because i idealize them in the way that i kind of wish i was like that, if that makes sense. i love these characters because theyre freely feminine  or displaying feminine characteristics (mostly in appearance) and owning it, but still recognized as masculine, and i kind of...WANT that.

as ive been thinking about my gender ive realized that i enjoy being feminine and feminine attire and having feminine “characteristics” (i GUESS) but i...DONT want to be recognized as feminine, despite all that. and its really tough having one without the other!!

and then my feelings of NOT wanting to be perceived as a woman are jumping onto my feelings of wanting to be masculine and perceived as a more masculine figure. (not exactly a man, tho). i mean...i want a “masculine” body figure, i want a deeper voice, i want to embody some rather traditionally “un-feminine” traits in regards to my physical appearance. but i lowkey feel like that if i went for this id be...cheating or just Not Doing It Right. i feel like i have to commit to one side or the other and im not allowed to cross over that much.

and then (FINALLY...DIDNT MEAN TO TAKE THIS LONG) how this ties into my romantic/sexual orientation. 

SHOULD i attempt to achieve that feminine-masculine balance in my gender, how would affect my being a lesbian?? it took me a while to accept that i am a lesbian and at this point its a very core part of my identity. but from what i understand, lesbianism is the rejection of men and manhood, and includes aligning oneself (even just a little bit) exclusively with womanhood. my concern is would i still be able to call myself a lesbian should i partially align myself with manhood/make myself more masculine?

i mean, thats also partially whats holding me back on trying to figure out this gender shit because i dont want to let go of the lesbian label and bc of that ive distanced myself so much from other labels that i dont know if i want to go through trying to work out relating to them and accepting them for myself. i want to stay a lesbian, because i do really love girls and i dont want to be with men, but im not sure if i should keep that label should i accept all these other things into my gender and appearance.

anyway. TL;DR i get boy gender feelings sometimes but i want to retain some femininity but not enough to be seen as a girl, and i’m worried how this will affect my validity with being a lesbian.

im not exactly sure how to close this but i just hope i can figure it out eventually and everything turns out ok.