#im sorry to everyone who sees this but i am incapable of being normal about him | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ganondoodle · 11 months ago

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so, doing this as an extra post bc i dont want to spam op nor invite more disaster into their post (sorry)

(i get annoyed, i get frustrated, but i rarely get pissed off, so if this sounds aggressive to you, it is; i have had enough of arguing with people -even if most of that arguing has happened on twitter-)

someone had replied (and later apparently deleted) something along the lines of "well zelda wanted to restore hyrule at the end of botw and what is so bad about ganondorf always being the bad guy in the way that he is?"

so first off, while i know hyrule and KINGDOM of hyrule is often used as an equally interchangeable word to refer to the world there, i dont think she meant the kingdom or its or its monarchy when she said that (does she? i dont have the end in my head rn and pretty sure its a lil different than english anyway) and much more the LAND of hyrule, its still in shambles even if people have found ways to live with it- that is an interpretation of me mostly, you can think what you want in that regard idc

secondly .... im not gonna get into that rant bc you cannot be seriosuly asking what is bad about how ganondorf is presented, treated in the games (espeically in totk) and his role and "writing" (oh geez i dont know maybe all the racism and stereotypes?? also, frankly boring ass writing, if your villain can be replaced by a cloud of toxic goo incapable of speech and nothing would change except saving money for voice actors that dont fit the role that is not a great look- hes never gotten much but totk is a new low)

then theres this reply

astro-shark3113 replied: "You're kidding right? If she cared about reinstating the monarchy then why is the castle still in disrepair after five years? Why does she become a teacher and live in a cottage with her boyfriend instead of taking on duties as princess? She clearly wants to help people and be a leader but she can do that without wanting to be a Queen. Please be real"

i am not kidding and i AM being real, i think you need to look at the game without your rose tinted glasses for a second; the castle is still in ruin? what the hell do you expect, theres no soldiers and very few servants left, repairing anything is quite impossible in that time and frankly not a priority (not proof of her not caring lol) also there is a plan for it at the very least given the camps with the hyrule crest all over it in the ruins of castle town- we dont SEE her as a teacher, or living a "normal" life, that happens in between the game, its flavor text, what HAPPENS in the game is her being taught a lessson on who she needs to be and what hyrule needs to be (pretty in your face too, she gets sent to paradise past of the "first" king that is some supposedly godly thing from the HEAVENS and watches him and his queen die at the hands of the eviiil guy, the last scene in the game mimics perfectly the scene where everyone that god king got under his rule swears undying loyalty to her ffs); she does live in that house, but what other option is there, set up camp in the collapsing throne room all alone?? nigh everyone from that time is long dead and the only one she actually knows is link who happens to have a house (bc impa doesnt care i guess idk), with her ""boyfriend"" is also interesting, a "boyfriend" that apparently is locked in the basement, lives in the woods or straight up dematerlializes when theres no big bad in need of stabbing bc why the hell does no one fucking know him in hateno??? not even the kids that come to the house EVERY SINGLE DAY?? and taking on duties as a princess, she very much does? just bc she doesnt get physically carried around in a castle doesnt mean she isnt doing royal stuff (also, again, that happens BETWEEN the games, not actually in totk), she still sees herself as the princess, everyone calls her that, she herself calls herself that (if the memorial stones are anything to go by) and everyone listens to the most overtly stupid and nonsensical stuff that zelda puppet says (even her friends follow that order without even asking back???) after over 100 years of there not being a kingdom as such its pretty weird how everyone immediately, even the ones not alive for the calamity event, snaps into blindly following her orders

"she can still lead without being a queen", did we play the same game?? totk? TEARS of the KINGDOM?? (its zeldas tears, she IS the kingdom) that game?? the game couldnt be more directly telling you that its whole point is that royal family holy and good and how much everyone has to sacrifice to uphold the holy kingdom bc its the only thing that keeps evil man from overtaking it!! including turnign herself into a farmable, glorified stone pedestal for the entirety of the actual game and then that sacrifice not meanign shit bc she just gets deus ex machina'd back (i didnt need her to stay a dragon, though it would have been the better choice if she still didnt get an active part in the game i would kill for her to have been a capable companion instead of the stupid ghost sages, and you dont even get to actually do anything for it, it just happens), not even the nuclear pebble is lost, how great! she and everyone else that is a leader of their people has a nuclear pebble now!! they will not let a bad evil man be a threat ever again!! like the point to bring her back in that utterly unsatisfying way is that otherwise the royal line wouldnt exist anymore, its a blessing of her ancient ancestors!! woohooo!!

and the thing is, i LIKE botw zelda, i liked her character, that she wasnt the typically maiden princessy type, her struggle (even if i find the way she unlocked her powers lame), i do NOT like totk zelda, after the intro of the game she is a princessy maiden standing prettily at the side of the god king that rules the only thing keeping evil at bay, the level of how much totk disrespects her makes me mad on her behalf but i have ranted about that alone enough as well

and with this i am DONE talking about this game, i have ranted so much about it, made my points carefully clear over and over, said that i dont have the nerves left to be nice anymore about it given how much shit alone on twitter i had to live through just bc i dared mildly critisizing the damn game, if you comment some snarky "be real" thing again im just gonna go straight to blockign people bc i am done with this

#ganondoodles talks #ganondoodles rants #zelda #totk critical #taggign with that #maybe inviting less disaster into my post #didnt think id encounter this kind of stuff on here #tumblrs been so much better than twitter my god

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our-oriented-aroace-experience · 7 months ago

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I know I'm definitely 100% ace, but I'm not so sure about the aro part. I feel like I can see myself in a fulfilling romantic relationship, but, at the same time, I think I'd be good without one too. and I know that sounds pretty normal, but, I'm disconnected from the idea of romance itself too. what even is romantic attraction? I mean, I know what it is, but, how would you define it the same way you can define sexuality, and differentiate aces from allosexuals? I know I've felt it before, which means, if anything, I'm arospec, but, I'm not entirely sure when it started yk. I've never felt romantic attraction before becoming really good friends with the person, but, that's probably on everyone I know being either annoying or an asshole. I think I'm capable of developing crushes without knowing the person that well, so, probably not demiromantic. but maybe im recipromantic? I do remember the feelings getting considerably stronger after they were reciprocated. but, that could also be my attachment/abandonment issues. it wouldn't be a huge part of my identity either way, so, I'm not really freaking out about it- but I'd like to understand myself better. I know it's stupid asking a stranger for help regarding something only I can figure out, but, what do you think? am I arospec, an allo with issues, or is this related to being ace? should I just step aside and let time do its thing? do you know anyone who's gone through this sorta thing before who could maybe help? that's all, sorry for the rant; I just really needed to get it off my chest seeing as I've been suppressing these thoughts for a good two years now due to being a hopeless romantic as well. it's one thing being ace and trans, but a whole other thing also being arospec. I think I'm scared someone will find out and just assume I'm incapable of feeling romantic attraction. I'm not. I crave it, a little. I just don't actively seek it for a multitude of reasons. god, I hope I'm not actually as unlovable as I feel. anywho, have a good one <3

Am I arospec, an allo with issues, or is this related to being ace? Should I just step aside and let time do its thing?

I'm not sure. From what you wrote in your ask, it sounds like you're romance-indifferent. You may be arospec, or you may not be. Romance indifference is related to aromanticism, but is still its own thing.

I don't know if you already figured it out by the time I post this, but I personally let time do its thing when I was figuring out I was aromantic. Things happened and one day, it just clicked for me. (You're your own person though - do what you think will work best for you.)

Do you know anyone who's gone through this sorta thing before who could maybe help?

I don't know anyone who's gone through this, but if any of my followers want to chime in, then feel free to!

(I don't have much else to add)

#our oriented aroace experience #oriented aroace ask #anon ask #oriented aroace #ace #asexual #aromantic #aro #really sorry for the late response Life got in the way

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kingofdinosaurs · 1 year ago

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ok if you know me you KNOW i voted for sho but i feel so BAD seeing kanami get rolled. and i want labrys to get her lead back. so without further ado, I'm gonna do propaganda for all my special persona 4 spinoff warriors (sorry to metis and the p5 guys, i just have more emotional attachment to these guys and they could use the help). vote labrys for president of spinoffs 2024 🥳🎉🎊

under cut because i don't want to obliterate everyone's dash with this ALSO DON'T READ THE ZEN AND REI PART IF YOU DON'T WANT SPOILERS FOR PERSONA Q, it's impossible to talk about why i love them without spoiling the major twist of the game

LABRYS:

her accent.

no im serious in this house we love and appreciate labrys' silly slightly bad accent. it's literally plot relevant and important that it's a slightly bad impression. it matters. it's cute. appreciate it now.

no, genuinely, the accent is important. to some extent, labrys is carrying forward the potential and likeness of somebody else, a sick girl from kansai who was never afforded the chance to do many of the things she wanted to. but her response to that was to offer her likeness and personality as a base for labrys and her sibling line of robots. labrys is that girl's legacy, accent and all. love her accent it's important and it's CUTE

she genuinely has the best overall story segments in EVERY GAME SHE'S IN. i include bbtag here too, her chapter of the extra story is really cute and fun, which is exactly what the bbtag story needs to be. that's neither here nor there but i want to emphasise just how consistently great the stuff with her is.

her base arena story mode is bar none THE best in the game. the others, while nice character studies, can get a little repetitive, but hers is a backstory piece instead and has some incredibly emotional moments and reveals about both her and aigis. she also has a really lovely dynamic with chie, kanji, and teddie especially. her moments with those characters in the main story always make me smile.

imo she also has the best overall story path in ultimax. i really love the true ending, but overall i like the p3 route just a little more. she has all sorts of interesting and engaging moments with other characters, and i love her dynamic with sho as someone who's on the same path she is, just not as far along. p4 arena/ultimax is ultimately a story about recovery and moving forward even after terrible things have been done to you, and in that respect she's the perfect protagonist for it.

she's just a really wonderful character. i think in stuff like p3/5d or bbtag, she can come off as a slightly one-note plucky optimist type, but the thing that i really want people to know is that she earned that optimism. she fought for it, through some of the cruelest trials anyone could go through, and she came out the other side still believing that a better future could be waiting for her. she fucking WORKED to be that joyous!!! she lost so many people and so much time locked away, and she is STILL AN OPTIMIST. it's her god damn RIGHT!!! WE LOVE LABRYS!!!!!!!

also she's adorable like awww look at her little happy smile :')

vote labrys

SHO MINAZUKI:

i shouldn't be allowed to do this. i cannot be trusted to do this. sho minazuki has a known and debilitating effect on my brain that makes me incapable of being normal for even one second. but I'll try

ill start with the easy stuff. first instance of an honest to god no beating around the bush stated IN TEXT Wild Card who wasn't the protagonist. eat your fucking HEART OUT goro akechi. i always see people arguing about this. it's sho. sho is the answer. conversely, minazuki has a really interesting status as a very similar figure to ryoji. i am NOT pulling this out of my ass i PROMISE i need to make an infographic about it sometime

his shitass puns they suck so bad. they're so fucking BAD it's kind of painful but they're endearing. in general when he's not going through the fucking horrors he's a fun-loving guy and it's cute. he needed to be in dancing so he could spend a game just doing normal silly shit and not having multiple breakdowns over the course of an HOUR.

easily steals the show (the sho -_-) in the p4au manga especially, good lord. there's some scenes in there (the scar flashback, the scene where fake ikutsuki wakes him up, and the fight at the end come to mind) that are just cemented in my brain now as how things went. it's too good. go read the p4au manga.

sho is really interesting to me as yet another foil to narukami, and in a completely different direction than adachi. he's abrasive, very open with his feelings, both intentionally and inadvertently terrible at forming bonds with others. but ultimax makes very clear that he can change. from the very beginning of the horrors done to him by ergo research, it's emphasised that even back then he wanted to connect with others. even at rock bottom, with no hope for the future and no idea what to do now his entire world has been turned upside down, he held onto hope that he might be able to find that bond he's looking for, even if he couldn't recognise that in himself. unlike adachi, sho finds it very easy to love others, he just has no fucking idea what to do with that. so he lashes out, because it's all he'd been taught to do. it's why ultimax's ending needed to be so optimistic. ultimax is a story about recovery, and about hope. your life isn't just a write-off forever if something goes wrong. i really like that message, and I'm really glad that sho got that chance. he deserved it.

ok so i could for sure talk for hours about both sho and minazuki but I'm limiting myself. i really love minazuki as basically the only one in sho's corner for their whole shared existence. he's flawed in a lot of ways - he's slow to trust, quick to resort to violence (a trait they share) and has a habit of making decisions for sho without necessarily taking his input on the subject if he feels it's what's best for him. but beneath all that edgelord "harbinger of death" demeanor (which is its own fucking post whenever i put that infographic together), he really does genuinely want to protect sho. he'd do anything to make sure he was alright. and when minazuki is taken out of the picture in the p3 route, we see how much that stabilising influence and kind presence was lifechanging for sho. it's honestly hard to watch the scene at the top of the tower in p3 side, sho is so much more openly miserable and suffering than minazuki is in his equivalent fight. it's easy to write minazuki off. and i am guilty of drawing sho way more. but you can't love one without the other. they're too important to each other, and they're both suffering the same way. minazuki just has the calm facade while sho wears his heart on his sleeve more.

anyway you should still vote for labrys but i hope you understand my position. I've been obsessed with these guys for like a year now and i want to share with the class.

ZEN and REI:

persona q is the world's most necessary 50 hours of mid for the world's most beautiful, thematically + emotionally resonant hours of PEAK. zen and rei are at the heart of that.

briefly i want to note that persona q is a perfect example of a crossover done right, where the plot is intrinsically tied to and a blend of the themes of the persona games it's a crossover of. the emphasis on the idea that your life is worthwile just because you lived it, and because people loved you, also really reminds me of guilty gear's philosophy and i like guilty gear.

with that in mind, the reveal that rei has been dead the whole time is brilliantly done. i don't think i've ever seen a running joke so effectively recontextualised as her inexplicable and frequently impossible snacks - the physical representation of her hunger for life. the moment you get to the end of the final labyrinth, the game's tone completely changes, but they manage to make the previous hours of silly shenanigans necessary to the emotional impact of that shift in tone.

zen and rei are so fucking great, man. persona's own psychopomp, god of death and grief and acceptance, eternally aloof and distant from those feelings he brings with him. finally understanding the weight of life through a sick, lonely girl who feels she was robbed of one. it doesn't hurt that they're so cute together before the reveal. their relationship is honestly very cute in a way i wasn't expecting to like nearly as much as i did, although i will admit i did hope zen kept being dense as hell about it because of how funny it was to me. wrought iron gate ass man. wouldn't know what flirting was if it was signposted in bright flashing neon.

if i'm talking a lot about the before and after of q's plot, that's because it's so integral to how good these 2 are. every silly or sweet moment you shared with them, the collar you helped rei make, your banter as you travelled through labyrinths together, it's all so necessary to feel the weight of their ending together. that WAS rei's life, and her impact. she WAS loved, in the end.

AND THAT'S WHY Q BEING ONE OF THE "EVERYONE FORGETS" SPINOFFS IS THE WORST POSSIBLE THING THEY COULD HAVE DONE. but that doesn't ruin zen and rei for me. sorry for spoiling the twist of persona q shadow of the labyrinth

KANAMI MASHITA:

ok you guys are doing her dirty because she's in the worlds least accessible rhythm game and that isn't fair!! i honestly believe that p4d has a very well done story with a couple of glaring flaws, neither of which are on kanami. in fact, they're largely an issue because yu narukami and his stupid funky bunch are involved. in all honesty, i think p4d would have worked better as a standalone game because the p4 stuff kinda drags the overall plot down.

anyway. kanami is the main protagonist of the real world segments of the game, while the investigation team and her colleagues are stuck in the midnight stage. i don't want to spoil everything that goes on in p4d, but suffice it to say that she ends up working with dojima to try and figure out where the missing people are, and builds an honestly charming rapport with nanako as her new backup dancer. hearing nanako call her big sis in the climax of p4d did genuinely catch me off guard in a good way, it's very sweet. much like narukami, kanami and nanako have a lot in common as 2 people who really shouldn't be as isolated as they are, especially as young as they are (kanami is 15 years old and lives seemingly alone with no parents notably in the picture during p4d), who can find common ground in that.

in all seriousness, kanami really charmed me as somebody who's almost totally different offstage. she's a really nice foil to rise as somebody who doesn't really know who she is at all, vs rise who's decided to face her idol career with the same confidence and strength she's learned to live her life with since the events of p4. offstage, kanami is almost a completely different person, both visually and in terms of personality. she exemplifies the themes of p4d so well - the kanami people know and love is a packaged product, a false bond with people who will never truly know her, and the lie is equally damaging for both sides of the equation. underneath the glitz and glamour of her career, kanami is a deeply lonely person traumatized to the point of repressing memories by the death of her greatest inspiration, who she's ironically walking the same path as. she barely even knows the other kanamin kitchen girls, and from the outset her life outside work is presented as incredibly lonely and distant from others.

obviously, persona 4 is The Bonds Game, so all of its spinoffs are obsessed with bonds too. but i always eat it up. that's no less true with kanami. her budding rapport with the rest of kanamin kitchen and with rise is really interesting to me, and i really like the idea of them forming their own part-time persona team, perhaps with rise as a guest member. the little circle they did in the climax to power up rise was really cute and i love the idea of them moving forward and finding their own strength of heart the same way the investigation team did.

it IS really funny that all we knew of her prior to p4d is that rise was jealous of her while she was retired. like knowing kanami as she is in p4d it was distinctly NOT mutual rise was just being a hater 😭

anyway, if you've actually read all of this i salute you. and i'm sorry for the word vomit. in short LET'S GO P4 SPINOFF WARRIORS I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

who’s your favorite persona oc?

oc is defined here as a character introduced in content that comes off the side of the original plot (sorry marie+kasumi, you’re actually in the main games)

#persona

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is-that-another-soulmate-au · 4 years ago

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Wuko/Korrasami/OC insert soulmate eye color change AU

@mypureessence I'm gonna tag you because I know you like my Lee 😌

"Hey Lee! You did great out there tonight!" Lee let out a huff when she heard Tenko call to her. Spinning on her heel she turned to face him. "Not to mention this new over the shoulder dress! You were absolutely stunning, here's your pay for the night"

She took the cash handed to her and gave him a small sigh "thanks Tenko, say, did I get any tips?"

"Why? You building some new explosion on the outskirts?" Tenko gave a big grin

"Perhaps" she folded her arms

"You know Lee, you being a nonbender and all, I dont think you should keep messing with those explosions"

"A nonbender? Really you think I'm incapable of protecting myself against my own machines?" She huffed "whatever, did I get any tips or not?"

"You sure did, but its not alot" he handed her a small amount of cash compared to her pay.

"Hey, its better than nothing, alright, I'm getting changed, I'll see you next week alright?"

"You better be here, people love hearing a white fox sing"

Groaning she stormed off to her small dressing room where she changed out of the God awful tight dress and slip into more comfortable clothes. Fixing her hair up she paused, looking in the mirror at her own eyes, both a pale green. Wonder which parent that came from. She huffed and pushed the last Bobby pin in and left.

It was already getting dark so she had to hury. She clung to the flyer she had already deciphered a while ago, she was going to infiltrate the equalists tonight. She hopped on her bike and sped off. Not too long after she managed to find the spot and parked her bike before heading down the alleyway.

"Invitation?"

"Here" she held out the flyer.

"Come on in, the revelation is upon us my sister"

She nodded and stepped inside, immediately setting to work scouting the building for any way to halt the performance that Amon was about to do. She'd seen it before, only a week ago when she caught a scene outside her warehouse on the outskirts. She needed to stop this.

"To take a person's bending away... permanently" she heard the man say, glancing up she watched as four people were dragged onto stage. The first was a leader of a gang.

"See those machines" she heard a man whisper by chance as she passed him and a girl "their run by steam, get some escaping and you could whip up some cover while I free Bolin"

"Works for me"

"Me too." Lee whispered and grabbed hold of the girls wrist "Follow me, I can help" the girl gave a bit of hesitation but nodded and wished her friend good luck.

Leading the girl to the steam pipes she took hold of a valve "we need to turn these to the right as far as possible to let the steam escape"

Once they did that the steam started to escape but only a little "its not enough" the girl said in frustration

"Hey you!" A man shouted as he walked in

"Great, now we have company" Lee said with an eye twitch but stood up "is there a problem my brother?"

"What are you doing back here?"

"Uh... looking for the bathroom?" The girl said with a cheeky grin. What is she five?

"You wouldn't happen to know where one is my brother?" Lee backed up the excuse with a question in hopes to get him to believe it. But no use. The man attacked. Lee used the help of the girl to get the upperhand and smash the pipes, releasing the steam, which the girl bent with ease out of the room. Causing a panic and gaining them some cover.

The group managed to escape and the duo Lee used as help managed to get this Bolin guy. Fleeing, the girl and Lee ran into Bolin and this other guy taken out by a man with electric sticks.

Of course this girl she thought was just a warebender just used earthbending to get the upperhand and escape. Oh gods, this is the avatar, this is avatar Korra and the fireferrets Mako and Bolin.

"So.. whats your name? Mystery girl?" Bolin said from the jaws of Naga.

"Lee. And youre the fireferrets and avatar, thanks for the help getting rid of that rally."

"Well, uh, Lee, thank you for helping us save Bolin" Mako said with an awkward clearing of his throat.

"No problem, but uhm, I kind of left my bike near the area so I dont exactly have a way to get home.."

"Where is your home?" Bolin piped up

"On the outskirts of the city" Lee shrugged "Im normally not here this late but I had a thing to do y'know"

"Yeah..." Mako said in what seemed to be a cold tone as they managed to get to the pro bending arena "you can crash here for the night and head back home tomorrow"

Lee sighed "yeah, okay, sorry"

Once Korra left with Naga to Air Temple Island Bolin wrapped his arm around Lee's shoulder "sooo, Lee right? Is that short for something?"

"No. It's just Lee." She looked up at Bolin with a concerned expression before pushing him back and checking him over "are you alright? No scratches or bruises? Did you hit your head?"

Mako slowed her by gripping her shoulders and moving them inside "he's fine, quit mother henning him"

"I am not-! Okay, look I just watched him almost lose his bending okay? We barely managed to get out of that in one piece! I mean, you two were almost caught again because of mister zappy sticks!" She ranted while they made their way to the apartment "okay, look, we might not know eachother well, or even at all, but tonight we were a team in taking down that rally okay? So I'm allowed to be worried that a teammate might have gotten hurt!"

"Yeah, sure, teammate" Mako huffed when they made it to their living space.

"Whats your problem?" Lee stood infront of Mako with a irritated expression

"I dont have a problem" Mako said with a small crack in his voice

"Yes. You do. You've been huffy since we managed to escape. Why would you even offer to have me crash for the night if you have a problem with me?" Lee took a step closer and Mako took a step back

"Look, I dont have a problem with you, I just hardly know you okay? I'm letting you stay here to thank you for helping me save my brother, and thats all. I dont even know if I can trust you"

"Well, since you hardly know me, how about you ask some questions okay? That should get the ball rolling" Bolin raised his hand and Lee gave him a fond grin "Bolin sweetie you don't need to raise your hand but go ahead"

"Who are your parents?"

"Dont know, I was put up for adoption before I ever had the capability to remember anything"

"Where do you work?"

"Cold spikes bar as a singer"

"Ooo! You sing?" Bolin grinned

"Yeah, I do. But Im not about to sing for you right now." She folded her arms.

"Aww" Bolin pouted

"Why is your hair white?" Mako finally chipped in a question.

"Oh wow, that's personal"

"And the parents one wasnt?" Mako snipped

"I'm teasing Mako, my hair has always been white, I dont know why it is just like I dont know why my eyes are green or why the sky is blue." Lee gave a shrug

"Why were you at the rally in the first place and what did you plan to do if you didn't bump into us?"

"Well, I planned to blow the place up with some explosives but when I bumped into you guys it was definitely a much better option"

"You... were going to blow up the building?"

"Well yeah, but not with deadly bombs, smoke bombs and stink bombs mostly." She shrugged "Im an explosives expert so I know a thing or two about how to avoid hurting people with my babies, thats why I live on the outskirts, I have a warehouse where I test my new explosives so"

Bolin looked at Mako, then to Lee, then back to Mako "I like her, can we keep her?"

"She's not an animal Bolin you can't just pick her up and say 'can we keep her' like your adopting a pet" Mako scolded "but if she wants to stick around us for a while she can."

"I'd like that, but more than that, I'd like to sleep, so I'm gonna just crash down here, got a spare pillow?"

And so she slept in the corner of the room curled around a pillow and when morning rolled around Pabu woke her up just in time before Mako left for his job and before Bolin left to go train. Sitting up her back cracked a couple times and her stomach gave into a growl "hey Bolin, I dont suppose you could skip a bit of training and come with me to go grab something to eat?"

"Uh, we're kind of... broke" Bolin said with a shy

Lee gave a laugh while standing up "i didnt ask for you to pay, I just asked you to come with. I've got money enough for the both of us to eat my dear Bolin. Now do you think you could skip your training and come with me to grab something to eat?" With a growl escaping his stomach he gave a pair of sad puppy dog eyes and Lee cracked a laugh "alright, lets be off then"

And with that Lee was taking Bolin out to a small noodle shop to eat. While sitting in the booth laughing Bolin leaned on the table "so, is this a... y'know?"

"A what?" Lee said after swallowing a bite. The look on Bolin's face said it all and she gave a sigh "no Bolin, this is not a date. I dont exactly do dating okay? I'm too invested in my work to do dates and partners and the like"

"Well, what if you meet your soulmate?" Bolin pointed out

"Well, if I meet them, then we'll just see what happens. But Bolin, youre not my soulmate, you and I both know that, neither of our eyes changed"

"Yeah, and? Both out eyes are green!"

"Mine are a pale almost seafoam green and yours are a evergreen, it would be pretty obvious" she rested her chin on her hand and huffed "besides, why would you even go for me?"

"You saved me..."

"No, Korra and Mako saved you, I managed to assist in the matter. And while yes I would save you a hundred times over if I had to, I played only a minor role in the rescue mission"

"But you still played a part" Bolin pointed his fork at her "and even though you cant bend, you managed to help both my brother and my best friend save my tail back there.

Lee gave him a grin and a sigh she really is a nonbender to everyone huh? Guess she could stand to use her bending more "I guess your right"

By the time noon rolled around Bolin and Lee were back at the arena in one of the training rooms with Bolin practicing some punches with Lee behind the padding. "So.. Where's Mako work?"

"Uh... I dunno? I just found out he had a job this morning, but he said he should be home around 2 or so, you can ask him then-"

"Nah, I'm home early... why are you practicing with white fox over here?" Mako said with a grin "and I have a date tomorrow night"

"Get outta town!" Lee said excitedly "what's their name?"

"Her name is Asami" Mako said with a blushing face and a goofy grin

"Aw, just from the way you said her name Im sure she's lovely... by any chance did your eyes change?" Lee said with a lean towards him

"No? I mean most people settle without that here, yknow, most people are so busy you won't find your soulmate anytime soon"

"I guess you're right, hm, well, I hope you two enjoy your date"

And enjoy it he did, two days later when Lee visited in the morning to train with Bolin Mako revealed that Asami was Hiroshi Sato's daughter and he was sponsoring the team in the upcoming tournament. Which that news was paired nicely by noon with Korra letting them know there was a Gala being thrown in her name. That night Korra asked Lee to stay the night at Air temple Island just so she knew there was someone by her side.

And Lee was happy to oblige, though she hadn't realized that meant that she was going as Korra's plus one.

#the legend of korra #tlok oc #tlok korra #tlok #tlok asami #tlok mako #tlok bolin #i will die on my endless soulmate au hill #soulmate alternate universe #soulmates

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taexual · 6 years ago

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HOLIC - 32 | jb x reader

pairing: Im Jaebum x Reader

genre: enemies to lovers au | roommate au

warnings: fluff

words: 4.3k

disclaimer: i do not own the gif, please let me know if it belongs to you, so i can give proper credit

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Needless to say, you’ve permanently moved to live on cloud nine ever since last night. Granted, you’d wasted some of your ecstatic mood by sleeping, even though you couldn’t quite remember how you and Jaebum had gotten home from the bar and then passed out in his bed – or, rather, halfway out of it. If you thought back, you could recall – in bits and pieces – how the two of you stuck by each other for the rest of the night and no one found that weird in the slightest. It was almost as if you two behaved exactly the way everyone had expected you to.

You’d tried to sneak away from the rest of Jaebum’s friends multiple times, but it turned out that more people had come to congratulate him than any of you had anticipated, and your very last memory from Mark’s bar included you and Jaebum surrounded by at least ten different people, five of which you’ve never even seen before.

You woke up smiling, however, even though the alarm clock rang almost immediately after you’d closed your eyes, even though your neck hurt from having slept with your head hanging out of the side of Jaebum’s bed, your eyes felt heavy after only getting a few hours of sleep, and your throat was dryer than any desert on the planet. You and Jaebum may not have gotten to share another private – well, as far as private went in a crowded bar – moment last night, but the one that you did get to share was more than enough for your heart that seemed to leap in joy each time you remembered his kiss. That was all that mattered, or so it seemed; your body was simply incapable of focusing on any physical discomfort you were feeling.

Jaebum wasn’t in bed with you but you could hear the water running in the kitchen. He had no business being up this early – he didn’t have to work until the afternoon, after all – but he was probably fighting his hangover. Getting up wasn’t something you particularly wanted, either, but seeing Jaebum was, so with a heavy grunt, you forced yourself to your feet.

Surprisingly, your head only felt slightly heavy and the room didn’t seem to spin in a way that was too fast for you to keep up. You didn’t feel drunk anymore but you didn’t feel too hungover, either – which was a first. It must have been the amount of adrenaline you’d experienced last night with Jaebum, including the sort-of-confirmation of what you and him now were; it had saved you from a very painful morning.

Quietly tip-toeing towards the door of his bedroom, you took a deep breath – your neglected lungs welcomed it and started to sting in complaint; clearly, you were too busy focusing on Jaebum last night and had not allowed yourself to breathe properly – and then walked out into the hallway.

Jaebum was in the kitchen, just like you’d expected. He was just finishing his glass of water when your eyes met. You saw him smile through the transparent liquid and felt your heart explode into a million pieces of blissful confetti that scattered around your stomach, taking the shape of butterflies.

“Hey,” he called out for you after having placed the glass back down, his smile now on full display for you to see and drool over – hopefully not literally.

“Hey,” you echoed and then noticed the box of medicine in his hand. You nodded your head towards it. “Headache?”

“Oh,” Jaebum looked down instinctively, putting the aspirin down on the counter. “Yeah. I’ve finished quite a few bottles last night and my head is throbbing. I couldn’t sleep. Do you need some?”

“No,” you replied, crossing the empty living room and giving him a teasing smirk. “I’m not a lightweight.”

Jaebum responded with a dry laugh. “I had a lot to drink while I was waiting for you to come. Really took you a while.”

“Well, I told you. A kid got loose with crayons. What could be more important than that?”

Jaebum walked around the counter when you reached it and, for a moment, the two of you stood there, barely a meter in between you, your cheerful expressions mirroring each other.

“I’d have thought I’d be more important than that,” he replied.

“That being my job, right?” you countered playfully. “Or are you saying that, since you’re one step away from becoming a worldwide star, you’re going to start paying for everything I need?”

He laughed at this, making you chuckle as well. The sounds merged together just like your heartbeats had last night.

“I’m glad that didn’t change about us,” Jaebum said, taking a step closer to you and removing the distance between you by leisurely wrapping his arms around your waist.

It was an unexpected gesture – although, you did wonder if he’d initiate any form of PDA now that he was no longer drunk – but your heart continued to shed itself into a thousand more pieces of pure excitement as your hands found their way around his neck.

“What changed, then?” you dared to ask.

“Well, for instance, now I can do this,” he spoke before supplying you with an example of pressing his lips to yours in a brief but soft kiss, “and then I don’t have to watch you question your entire existence, wondering what this means.”

You were almost offended. “I did not question—”

“It’s okay,” he cut you off with a smile. “I did, too.”

The sense of shame simmered down as soon as you saw him smile, but you still shook your head, leaning it against his shoulder as he exhaled deeply. The two of you were standing there, holding each other in your arms at six in the morning, both of your minds full of memories of last night as your seemingly never-changing apartment attempted to engulf you in the good old routine. By all means, this was a somewhat usual beginning of your day, and yet, at the same time, it felt as if your souls had entered a different realm where nothing was the same anymore, while your bodies remained right where they used to be.

Having breakfast together – even if you’ve already done it countless times before – felt different. Bantering over your bowls of cereal – like you’ve done each time you ate together – felt different, too. Even arguing about who was going to take the shower first – cue a whole bunch of suggestive comments from Jaebum – wasn’t the same, either. But it was a good sort of different. The sort of different that most people didn’t realize they were seeking. The sort of different that, once found—once felt—would never allow you to return back to what was once normal.

And, although this subtle change was frightening, you welcomed it with open arms because it was time. Because you were finally ready for it. You were so sick of the same old routine, painting every single day of your life in the same old black and white. You knew you’d never be satisfied if you had to return to the monochrome world because your soul – that seemed to have been sleeping for what felt like years – had awoken to introduce you to a whole new palette of colors. And, as you unconsciously realized, the most beautiful shade of all was sitting across from you in your shared kitchen.

“What are you thinking about?” Jaebum asked after he noticed your lips stretch into a smile.

“Hmm?” you shook your thoughts off to focus on his words. “Nothing.”

“Yeah?” he knew you weren’t being honest. “You were smiling.”

“I’m always smiling,” you retorted.

“No, you’re not. You’re not a morning person.”

You raised your head from your bowl of cereal and tried to shrug your shoulders in a nonchalant way. “Maybe I am now.”

Jaebum liked to hear this but he still couldn’t help but push you further, “what brought this change upon?”

The shameless flirting was nothing new to either of you and yet all that had happened last night seemed to change the meaning of this, too.

“Not sure,” you teased. “There might be this guy I’m into. He might have a very annoying ability to completely control my mood.”

“Powerful guy,” Jaebum was beaming. “Do I know him?”

“Probably,” you nodded. “He’s a musician. You must have heard his song on the radio the other night.”

“The other night, you say? Sorry,” he shook his head, playing along. “There are only a few things I remember from last night and none of them involve listening to the radio.”

“Oh, yeah?” you couldn’t resist the silly grin on your face now. “What things do you remember, then?”

“Not many but, funnily enough, you’re a part of all of them.”

“That is funny.”

“Hmm.”

Your mouths had stopped talking, allowing your gazes to convey the words instead as the two of you battled each other in an unexpected stare-off, your eyes full of fondness.

Just as Jaebum was standing up to do something – and your heart had leaped to your throat – you heard a scratching sound on the front door of the apartment. Confused, you both frowned and turned in the direction of your hallway.

“What was that?” you asked.

It was possible that you’ve simply imagined the noise – an auditory hallucination wasn’t something that would have surprised you, knowing how Jaebum managed to make the rest of the world disappear for you each time his eyes landed on yours – but then the doorbell rang. Someone was definitely at your door.

However, when a moment later, Jaebum moved to actually open it, there was no one there. No one, but a lonely gray envelope, laying on your doormat.

“This looks like a letter,” he called out to you, closing the door and bringing the envelope inside as you waited in the kitchen, the same confused expression on your face.

“A letter?” you raised your eyebrows. “They hand-deliver advertisements now?”

“It’s—I don’t think it’s an advertisement,” Jaebum said, his eyes widening as he read the writing on the envelope. “It’s addressed to you.”

He didn’t mention whom it was from but the look on his face alarmed you as you grabbed the letter from him and took a look at it yourself. It had your name on it indeed but that wasn’t what made your stomach clench. It was the outgoing address – it belonged to one of the out-of-town galleries that you’d had submitted your portfolio to.

“They sent me a letter,” you said pointlessly as it was obvious that Jaebum had already reached the same conclusion. “W-why would they send me a letter?”

“Maybe it’s kind of like college admissions?” he suggested.

“Don’t they send those through e-mail now, too?”

“I don’t know,” he waved his hand dismissively, then. “Open it.”

To say you were anxious would have been an understatement of massive proportions. Somehow, you managed to locate a butterknife and rip the sealing of the envelope off with shaky hands. Jaebum was this close to doing it for you before you managed to cut it open yourself but he stood back, knowing that this might have been a monumental moment in your life and it was best if you did everything yourself while he cheered you on from the sidelines just like you’d done for him before.

“There’s one sheet of paper inside,” you stated, lifting your scared eyes to look at him. “There’s no way they’re expressing their wish to work with me on that thin sheet of—”

“You won’t know unless you check,” Jaebum pointed out. “And, besides, I don’t think they’d go through this much trouble of sending a rejection letter.”

That was true. More often than not, when it came to jobs, internships, and exhibitions, the managers didn’t even bother with replying if they weren’t interested in you. It was always upsetting and disappointing not to hear back from them but you thought you’ve already gotten used to that. Now, however, you were sure the wave of disappointment was going to swallow you whole if the contents of the letter indeed proved to be unfavorable.

Taking a deep breath, you finally pulled the letter out of the envelope and, after another few more moments spared to calm yourself down as much as you could, you unfolded the sheet of paper and quickly scanned through the words.

They’ve misspelled your last name – that was the first thing you noticed. Or, perhaps, it was you who’d misspelled that in your hurry to get the portfolios out as quickly as possible.

But even in spite of that harrowing mistake written in bold letters at the top of the page, the following sentences clenched your heart. It was the words, “we would love to meet you,” however, that squeezed it so hard, you gasped.

“What?” Jaebum was by your side in a millisecond. “What does it say?”

He didn’t dare to read it over your shoulder and he didn’t have to because as soon as he finished the question, you were suddenly leaping into the air, your features decorated by an expression that could only be described as completely euphoric.

“They said they’d like to meet me,” you squealed out, the letter getting crunched up in your tight grip. “Shit, they said they’d like to meet me!”

“T-they—that’s good!” Jaebum followed your excited eyes with his as you re-read the letter. “Isn’t it? That’s a start!”

“It is,” you confirmed, already having seen this play out at your own gallery. If a photographer was personally invited to meet – and in a letter, no less! – then, chances were, unless he was an absolute scumbag, he was going to get his work exhibited there. “T-they want me to call them to arrange a meeting.”

“Well, do that!” he encouraged, nearly handing you his own phone. “Go! Do it right now!”

“I-I—yes,” you blinked, suddenly glad you had Jaebum in the room with you because his orders helped you get yourself together and pull away from the letter long enough to look around the kitchen for your phone. You picked it up once you found it on the island and then glanced back at the piece of paper in your hands. “Okay. I’ll do it. Am I shaking?”

“Yeah, a little,” Jaebum said, not resisting a smile. You looked painstakingly beautiful in that moment as you were gripping the edges of the letter—of your future—so tightly, he had a feeling the paper was going to rip. But the look in your eyes – the utter excitement, the hope, and the undeniable joy – was making him wish he’d been the photographer so he could have captured this moment and kept it in his heart forever. “Maybe take some time to breathe first, okay? Just a quick minute.”

“Right,” you nodded, inhaling sharply and then exhaling through your mouth. “Okay. Breathing.”

You were obviously having a hard time doing this mundane task so he extended his arms. “Come here.”

You were so far lost in the excitement and the anxiety of this that you merely glanced at him before allowing him to drown you in the smell of his cologne as he embraced you for the second time this morning.

“I’m proud of you,” he whispered, gently pressing his lips to your temple in a gesture so intimate, you thought your lungs were truly going to give up on you this time.

“I haven’t done anything yet,” you replied, your voice as shaky as your heart. “Maybe they won’t like me after they meet me.”

“That’s not possible,” Jaebum countered, his arms – wrapped tightly around you – the only thing stopping you from exploding. “They will love you. And if they won’t, then they’re getting their asses kicked.”

You chuckled softly against his chest, working hard on your breathing but still struggling. “Your damsel in distress plan, right? Am I it for this week, too?”

He laughed, surprised that you’d remembered the joke he’d made in his studio a few days ago.

“You’re it for every week,” he said, completely serious.

You shook your head against his shoulder. “You’re not helping me calm down at all.”

Jaebum was laughing again as he asked, “what do you want me to do?”

“I don’t know,” you replied and then, as an afterthought, added in a quiet voice, “just hold me.”

“Okay,” he whispered back, his own heart picking up speed at your request, as he pressed your body against his own harder, leaving no space for anxiety or worry between you. “I’m here.”

Fifteen minutes later, you’ve already accomplished quite a few tasks – you’ve managed to calm your breathing down, even if that had seemed impossible, and you’ve also found a way to leave Jaebum’s embrace and retreat to your room where you spent the next ten minutes, staring at the phone number on the letter before finally daring to dial it.

A pleasant female voice picked up, asking how could she be of assistance. Once you introduced yourself, she asked you to hold, and another minute later, her voice sounded even more pleasant. She made it seem like you were the most important person that had ever called and you wondered if she actually enjoyed this job – customer service was never easy and yet she made you feel genuinely welcome as she told you about how the owner of the gallery and the team of managers were excited to meet you -- or if that was very realistic acting.

“Oh, to be honest, I’d say it’s me who’s most excited,” you said with a soft chuckle. “I’m very grateful for your offer.”

“It’s our pleasure!” she replied. “Would you prefer for the meeting to take place on a work day, or would Saturday work better?”

You glanced back at the envelope. The address of the gallery didn’t seem familiar to you and, with a nervous pang in your chest, you realized that this could have been the gallery that wasn’t just out of town, but was actually across the whole country from you. You’d chosen it because they promised a helpful and welcoming environment for young artists – and so far they haven’t disappointed – but you didn’t really think this gallery was going to be the first one – and, maybe, the only one – who would contact you.

“Uh, Saturday would be ideal,” you said, knowing that you’d have less trouble if you didn’t have to skip work. Then, however, you realized that your car was still at the car service. “Oh, actually, if it’s not too much trouble, could it be next week? I’m—”

“Ah, I’m very sorry, we’re all booked for next week,” she cut you off, sounding still as sweet as ever. “There’s an exhibition by the graduating class of a university nearby. You’re welcome to attend it – the opening night is on Wednesday – but the only available Saturday is this week, I’m sorry. Does that work for you? Or should I look into—ah, well, there’s a spot three weeks from now.”

Three weeks from now was a long time away, you could feel it in the change of her voice. You didn’t think you could wait that long and it was likely that the gallery would change its mind in that time, too. Maybe someone else – someone more eager to meet them and get their exhibition there – would impress them before you even got a chance to see them.

“No, it’s fine,” you decided. “This Saturday will work great. I’ll find a way to come.”

“Very well,” the receptionist replied and you heard her click away at her computer. “Is noon, okay?”

“Yes,” you said. “Twelve o’clock. Works for me.”

Just as pleasantly as she’d spoken before, the receptionist explained how to find the gallery and you realized with horror that you’d have to spend at least a quarter of a day just driving there, not to mention the trip back.

You thanked her again and then, even before you hung up, collapsed on your bed with a loud groan. This was good – you had an interview about your exhibition. It was more than good – it seemed like you were walking step-by-step with Jaebum, both of you slowly approaching your dreams – and yet you couldn’t help but feel like something was bound to go wrong.

Aside from the gallery being a six-hour drive away from you, you were probably going to have to take a bus to get there – or you could beg the guys at the car service to give your car back to you faster but you decided to leave that as a plan B – which meant you’d have to either leave the night before and rent a room in a dingy motel – and hopefully not die there – or you’d have to leave early morning on Saturday.

All of that seemed worth it, you knew it. And yet, the sudden surge of worries overwhelmed you.

“Hey,” you heard a knock on your door and Jaebum poked his head inside. After noticing that you weren’t on the phone anymore, he dared to step into your room. “What did they say?”

You straightened up and sat down properly. “They want to see me on Saturday.”

“That’s great!” he exclaimed, his face breaking into a grin. He was about to cross the room to reach you but then he paused mid-step. “Wait—this Saturday?”

“Yeah,” you confirmed.

“That’s in two days,” Jaebum pointed out.

“Yeah.”

“Oh,” he considered this, finally reaching your bed and sitting down next to you. He was having a hard time reading your facial expression, which hadn’t happened that many times before. “That’s great, though, isn’t it?”

“Yes, of course,” you nodded, sighing. Maybe you were just ungrateful for the opportunity suddenly tossed your way – you were feeling far too burdened by the number of things you had to do in order to make this opportunity appear more realistic -- but you couldn’t help it. “Except I have a problem.”

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“This gallery, it—it’s six hours away from here,” you started, “my car’s at the service. I can’t pick it up until Monday. And now I have two days to find a way to get to the interview that my entire future depends on. But, you know, no pressur—”

“I can take you.”

You stopped, his interruption taking you off guard. “What?”

“Yeah,” he shrugged as he always did whenever he offered something that included him going out of his way for you. “I’m not doing anything, anyway.”

“Jaebum, it’s a six-hour drive in one direction,” you reminded him. “Six more hours to come ba—”

“I know how math works,” he deadpanned. “And you’re lucky, my weekend’s free. I’m all yours.”

You haven’t even considered asking him to do this but now that he’d volunteered his help, your heart was bursting with gratitude. “You’d really do this?”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “A road-trip. Why not?”

“A road-trip,” you repeated, biting your lip. You appreciated his offer more than you were letting on but you were still doubtful. “It’s six hours, though. I could fly over there but it’s so last minute—”

“Okay, now you’re starting to make it seem like you don’t want me to take you there,” Jaebum said in a laid-back voice.

“No. No, not at all,” you shook your head. “I just don’t want to make you do something like this because t-this is big. This isn’t like you making my lunch so I wouldn’t starve at work - which I’m also very grateful for, by the way - this is... this is on a whole different level. But, honestly, I appreciate you offering so much I could kiss you.”

“Oh,” he straightened. “Well, that sounds interesting. Should we discuss forms of payment, then?”

You laughed in surprise. “I thought you were going to do this as a favor.”

“I was but then you mentioned kissing,” Jaebum replied, “and now I feel like I can’t pass up on an offer like that.”

Encouraged by the excited glint in his eyes, you leaned into him to press a gentle kiss to his lips before pulling away.

“Thank you,” you told him, your voice genuine.

Jaebum’s face, however, was skeptical. “That was the promised kiss?”

“Uh—”

“That’ll take you one and a half kilometers.”

Raising your eyebrows, you watched the challenging look on his face with surprise evident on yours. He was really going to milk this.

Sighing – purely for dramatic effect – you leaned back into him and kissed him again, harder this time, your lips lingering on his for a second longer. You felt him smile into the kiss as soon as you began to pull away.

“Not bad,” he commented. “Three more kilometers.”

You shook your head, laughing. “How long are we going to do this?”

“Ah, well, let’s see. Six hours, that’s about, what – five hundred or so kilometers?” he replied, an excited glint in his eye. “You’ve got four and a half down already.”

“That’s a long way to go,” you said, your heart speeding as it always did whenever he was close.

“Yeah, but we’ve got a lot of time,” he replied after glancing at the watch on his wrist.

“I have to get to work eventually,” you reminded him, watching his smile turn into a pout.

“I’m never a priority for you, am I?”

The needy tone in his voice made your smile widen before you pecked his lips one more time, earning a soft, “one more kilometer” from him.

“You have to work, too, Mr. Pop Star,” you said, standing up from your bed so you could actually finish getting ready now.

“Oh God,” Jaebum groaned, the nickname not sitting right. “Please don’t call me that again.”

You laughed, nodding. “Yeah, that’s fair. I made myself cringe with that one, too.”

You’ve taken one step in the direction of the door of your room – actually hoping to get ready on time – but Jaebum grabbed your wrist, stopping you and pulling you into him for one last kiss before he let you leave. The number of random kisses that had increased from two to over twenty was starting to make you dizzy, but you kissed him back nevertheless, understanding that you were probably going to be late for work, but not finding enough strength to stay away from him.

“See you later tonight?” Jaebum asked after you finally managed to pull away.

“Yeah,” you nodded, trying to catch your breath. “Always.”

chapter directory

#got7 #got7 fanfiction #im jaebum #got7 jb #got7 jaebum #got7 reactions #got7 imagines #got7 scenarios #got7 au #kpop #got7 x reader #got7 fluff #im jaebum fanfiction #jaebum fanfiction #jaebum fanfic #got7 fanfic #holic #roommate au #enemies to lovers au

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nebucat · 5 years ago

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i’m very empathetic. i know i am

i’m able to easily imagine another’s perspective and how i would feel if i were in their position, and if i don’t right away then i try my best to do so

the issue was that i could see their perspective, i could understand where they were coming from, but i knew their perspective was skewed by insecurities and that they were too wrapped up in it and stubborn to think critically or have faith in me.

i didn’t... want to validate those insecurities, or i guess i didn’t want to reinforce that sort of thinking. i wanted to help them out of it! but i guess i just... didn’t know how. i didn’t know how to reassure them besides explaining my perspective. i didn’t want to just dismiss how they were feeling! i payed far more attention than they realized. to the point that i immediately understood the problem and felt how they were feeling because i’ve been there before. in some ways, i still am. feeling replaceable or insecure. and i know thats just what it is. i know insecurity obscures our vision. and it made me uncomfortable because the fact i knew it wasn’t true. the accusations of ‘ignoring’ them or losing interest in our writings was not true. but i didn’t know how else to tell them that.

especially because i shrink so much under accusations. my knee-jerk reflex is to accept fault for something as a fawner. the number of times i rolled over for them didn’t help my mental state because i genuinely did let myself be convinced of the things they were telling me. that i ignore them. that i’m dismissive. that i’m inconsiderate. and i am trying to unlearn all of that shit that got ingrained in my head. and it didnt... help either? that they would guilt trip me when i did try to share my perspective, only reinforcing the insecurities.

it was never... enough. i was never enough. i could never make them happy and there was always something i was getting criticized for. no matter what i did, now matter how hard i tried, i was ALWAYS doing something wrong. and they would rub it in my face with their cruel, vindictive comments.

‘if only you payed more attention’

‘you don’t want to disappoint your cool new friends’

‘you’d rather disappoint me than them’

‘you want to stop being as important to each other? fine. i’ll start giving you as equal amount of attention as i do everyone else. you want me to give you reassurance for things i’m not even aware of? ok. i’ll start showering you in those meaningless compliments everyone else throws around in this rpc’

‘it’s hard to care about setting off your anxiety when you clearly don’t care about setting off mine’

and i... i wanted to move IN with this person. i wanted a relationship with them!!! i genuinely saw a future with them. because i thought they were changing. i thought they cared. i thought they loved me back.... i wanted to be with them so badly and yet this person was so cruel to me. i was so naive to believe that was what real love looked like.

i don’t even want to think about what could have happened if i stayed. if i continued down that path with them. if i actually did move in with them. i was already so isolated from everyone in our community with them. but i would have been even more isolated if i moved in with them and i would have had no way to escape. thinking about it makes me so nauseous and freaked out.

im so fucking glad i left. i’m so thankful for the friends who helped me get out before it was too late. that week before shit hit the fan, i was such a fucking wreck. i was starving myself because trying to eat made me throw up, having anxiety induced nightmares and was crying literally every single day multiple times, pacing up and down the street at night trying to talk myself down and reason with myself, sleeping all the time because i’d rather be unconscious than awake. i wanted to die. i really wanted to fucking die. it was like highschool all over again. and seeing them groom another person and treat them the same way they treated me when WE first met... seeing how much they praised that person and flattered them and gave them so much positive attention, yet knowing how abusive and neglectful they’d been to me...

i was convinced i was a broken person. i remember saying that to myself, “i’m broken. i’m so broken” as i cried and cried and cried. they didn’t make me feel loved or safe. they made me feel broken.

and thats what narcissistic abuse is. they’ll appeal to you with sweet talk and praise and attention, shower you in compliments and make you feel like the most special person in the world. and once they have their hooks in you, they’ll slowly break you down and groom you into tolerating the abuse. the guilt trips. the manipulation and gaslights. they’ll provoke you to get you to fight with them so they can pick apart everything you say and poke holes in you in order to garner control over you. they’ll humiliate and use hostile humor to tease you in public spaces in order to keep you off balance and install shame inside you.

they do this because they need their narcissistic supply. it doesnt matter if its positive validation or negative validation, they do this because theyre deeply insecure to the core and have to depend on external validation in order to feel anything. and because they’re living in their own delusional reality, they think this is NORMAL and OKAY and that they aren’t wrong for acting like this. a narcissist can never be wrong and will NEVER hold them self accountable for their actions without dragging others down with them.

even the last MESSAGE this person sent me just goes to show they literally are incapable of holding themself accountable for anything. they’ll only apologize to convince you to give them another chance. and thats what that note was--- an attempt to convince me otherwise. but their actions speak louder than the sweet talk and sob stories. and i knew this for certain when i confronted them after calling the police for the suicide baiting. they denied it was a manipulation tactic and had the gall to shame ME for getting worried about them! LMAO. “i’m sorry YOU felt that way” “i’m sorry YOU felt pressured”. not a single apology for literally trying to manipulate me. not a single apology for being the one to use their suicidal idealization to keep me tethered for so long. because narcissists can’t hold themself accountable and will find any reason not to.

i used to have narcissistic behaviors. sometimes i still catch myself falling into old toxic patterns. but i KNOW i’m not narcissistic. i have empathy, i AM considerate and kind, i TAKE accountability for my actions without using self deprecation or excuses, and nothing good and nice i tell people is fake or forced. i have so much love in my heart for people and i’m proud of myself for how far i’ve come and how hard i work to grow and better myself.

so i guess there is one thing i can thank them for. for getting me to fall in love and realize how much i truly have to give. i’m going to invest that love in the people who actually love and respect me, and respect my feelings. and continue working on myself for the benefit of my and those around me.

and who knows, maybe one day i’ll find someone as funny and charming who’ll treat me better. someone i can share as much of myself with as i did with them, who wont take me for granted. until then, i just want to learn to be content with myself.

#vent #abuse cw #suicide cw #entrophobia cw

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prettywordsyouleft · 6 years ago

Text

Through His Eyes - Part 5

Summary: Losing your sight after your accident was traumatic, and Jaebum’s guilt of knowing it should have been him instead creates an intricate bond between you both, as you overcome adversity and try to find your way in life again.

Genre: angst / romance

Characters: Im Jaebum x female reader

A/N: This story is emotional and raw compared to some of the content on my blog. It is in no way an attempt to glamourise or undervalue the lives of those who suffer from something similar. This story is purely fictional.

Through His Eyes will be posted every Tuesday at 10am NZST.

Index: Prologue | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 [M] | 13 - FINAL

Clicking the door to his personal studio shut later that day, Jaebum approached you as you were slowly feeling your way around the room. “I’m not going to break anything, am I?”

“Here, let me help you to a chair.” He guided you to the seat beside him and then turned on his computer. As he logged in, Jaebum glanced over at you again. Your face was glowing with excitement. It made him smile further and he focused back on his computer, going into the files and pulling up the software he used to record.

“What are we going to do now?”

“I thought we could record a song together.”

“What?” You shook your head. “No way.”

“Why not?” Jaebum watched as you retreated further into your seat. Reaching for your hands, he shifted them forward. “The keyboard is right in front of you.”

“I can’t play music.”

“Can’t, or never learned?”

You sheepishly glanced away. “Both.”

“Today you learn then. What good is it having you here if you cannot help me with my job?”

“Funny, I only remember your name as being the talented producer, not mine.”

Jaebum laughed and shifted your chair closer. Turning on the keyboard, he then lifted your hands right onto it. “Just try. We can do this together.”

“Well, I do know some basic children’s songs from years ago on the piano.” You mentioned anxiously and then started to fumble around on the keys until you found a C. Your hands seemed to move more easily as you tested the keys and their sounds. Soon you were playing, albeit a little rusty, but Twinkle Twinkle Little Star sounded around the room. Jaebum turned to his computer and clicked on a couple of synthesisers, before moving closer to you.

“Let’s build on this. You keep playing that, and I’ll add to it.”

“How?” you asked but continued to play your segment, Jaebum’s own hands reaching around yours and adding to the sounds. It was impromptu yet fun and soon you had played for ten minutes together. Jaebum stopped playing and then reached for the mouse to replay the creation. You listened quietly as the music filled the room again.

“What do you think?” he asked and noticed your eyes were closed. Jaebum gazed at you, trying to understand all your emotions across your face. Suddenly your eyes fluttered open and he blinked a few times, surprised by how rich the colour your eyes now were.

“How did we manage to turn my basic music into something so intricate?”

“That’s what I do every day. Play with sounds, and build on them. Shall we try again?”

“Something more than a nursery rhyme though?” You looked at him hesitantly and Jaebum tilted his head, waiting for you to speak again. “Can you teach me something better?”

“Can I be honest?” You nodded. “I need you to move.”

“Where to?” You stood up immediately, and Jaebum pushed your chair out of the way. Without any thought to it, he sat you down on his lap, pushing you both closer to the keyboard. He could feel how stiff you had gotten and swallowed himself, shaking his head from all thoughts and focusing on the task. Jaebum moved your hands back to the keys and placed his over yours.

“Relax, we’re playing music, we need to be fluid.”

“You were pretty fluid in getting me to this position. Should I remind you of your skin-ship issues?”

“How else was I meant to teach you if you cannot feel it properly? I’m not going to break my back leaning over your chair.”

You nodded softly and relaxed. “Point taken. Okay, teacher, let’s start.”

The music you began to produce had no particular style to it and was simply played in repetition until it was your hands doing all the work. You played through the sequence once more before clapping your hands together with joy.

Jaebum grinned. “I take that you are happy?”

“I never thought I could do something this cool! I always have listened to music, but now that I can only rely on listening, it seems more, I don’t know how to put it.”

“Soul reaching?” Jaebum suggested and you nodded happily. “I’m glad. Should we listen back to it?”

“Definitely! Oh, wait. I just need to check something.” You pressed a button on your watch and the time sounded out around the room. “It’s seven-thirty! How long will it take to get me back home?”

“Half an hour? We’ve got all-”

“Mum gave me a curfew of eight!” You jumped up and smacked into the edge of the desk, a yelp emitting from your mouth immediately. Falling back into his lap, Jaebum quickly grabbed you, making sure to not let you fall.

“Are you okay?” he asked, seeing tears spring up in your eyes. “I can drive you home now.”

“I’m so clumsy, did I break anything?” You moved your head around as if to survey for any damage. “Ugh, I can’t see if I did!”

“Nothing’s broken, except you. Adding another bump to your collection,” Jaebum teased and you began to cry. He softened his approach and held onto you, wondering why you were crying so much. As if you read his mind, you tried to stem the flow of your tears.

“I want to be able to see again. I want to see this room; I want to see everyone I met today. I want to read the words to the new song instead of trying to memorise it. I want to understand where I am, and not worry about how much time it takes to get from places as my only way to measure what I’m doing. I just, I want to see again, Jaebum. I want… I want to see you.”

Jaebum didn’t know what to say, his throat drying up at your emotional confession. He had no idea what to address first from your words and blinked back his own threatening tears. He held onto you, letting you cry, and feeling incapable to grant anything you asked for. Today had been his plan, his hope to bring happiness into your world. To make you feel normal again. Instead, it had highlighted so many things Jaebum took for granted. He kicked himself for not thinking to get a Braille translation of their song before the day started out.

“I’m sorry Y/N,” was all he could say, holding you until your tears stopped falling.

The car ride back to your home was silent until your phone went off. Tiredly, you reached to answer it and Jaebum heard your mother’s voice connect on the other end. “Sorry Mum, we’re in the car coming back now… I’m not far I’m sure… No, I’m fine. I’ll be there soon.”

“Was she worried you went past your curfew?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll apologise when we get there.” You made no effort to reply, your head falling back down and the silence enveloped you both again. Apart from telling you to look out for things as you headed into your apartment complex, Jaebum felt defeated to improve your mood. You made it to the front door and your mother opened it, and you took off your shoes and put on your slippers. Wordlessly, you turned to bow at Jaebum and then walked off into the house, your mother looking between you and him, trying to decide on whom to talk to first.

She climbed out onto the first step and closed the front door, facing Jaebum worriedly. “What happened?”

“I’m sorry we’re late. We lost track of time.”

She waved him off and searched his eyes for her answer. “She cried?”

“She broke down completely and I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t realise I would upset her this much.”

“What happened?” The older woman asked and Jaebum sighed before explaining what you had said. She had tears in her eyes as he finished and reached out to pat his shoulder maternally. “Jaebum, you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I should have been more aware of what I take for granted though.”

“Y/N will learn that some things are going to be hard. I think she had a wonderful day with your band members. She clearly had a great time with you in the studio too. But Y/N got overwhelmed and drained from the day out. It was a big outing for someone who has been stuck at home so much so don’t feel disheartened. You gave her hope. You should have seen her this morning. I haven’t seen her so animated since the accident. She was having a meltdown over what to wear to impress you all. She didn’t care about being blind. She simply acted like any other girl getting ready to meet some special people.”

“Really?” Jaebum smiled lightly, remembering back to his first reaction of seeing you earlier in the day in your dress.

“I know in the past, I told you to return to your place. You never listened, and I knew you wouldn’t. She never wanted to let you go, even though she would say it to you and me all the time. That was her insecurities of looking silly in front of you.” Your mother smiled warmly and glanced at the door as if it would let her see her daughter. She then looked back at him with a firm but warm expression. “Now, I see you as one of her healing paths. Because you can push her in ways I cannot. She’s returning to her studies earlier than I thought. She’s growing more optimistic by the day. Sure, Y/N will struggle; she will take falls and feel hopeless at times. But she has you to help her back up each time. I don’t know what your relationship is with my daughter, but your presence in her world is helping her live again.”

Jaebum nodded softly, not knowing what to reply back with.

“You’re a busy idol though. Tell Y/N when you can’t be around her. Let her know the schedule is too tight. But don’t abandon her. Jaebum, you’re her hope.”

“I… I uh-”

“I’m going to go inside now and try and comfort her. Goodnight. And thank you for bringing her home safely to me. The hardest thing for me is letting her out the door.”

Jaebum remained on the steps even after the mother had disappeared inside the apartment. After a while, he managed to pull himself together and walk back to his car in a daze, hopping into it and then staring into nothingness through the windscreen. Slowly, Jaebum began to feel his emotions fall, unsure of why he was crying. He had felt so numb just a moment before that the tears now seemed to surprise him.

I don’t know what your relationship is with my daughter.

The sentence repeated over in his head, confusing him. He didn’t know what it was either. Jaebum had felt friendship and selfishness all in one when it came to you. Some days, he needed to hear your voice just to concentrate, like a coping mechanism and a way to relieve his guilt of knowing you could be struggling somewhere. Other days, he just felt true friendship, as if he had known you his whole life. You had become so close in such a short space of time, that he had never questioned or defined what your relationship was.

“Do I need to?” he asked himself, wondering why the words had affected him so much. Jaebum tried to guess if you had any validated definition of what you both were. His mind shifted to BamBam’s bias question earlier in the day, something Jaebum had never put emphasis into before. Had BamBam been standing in his spot on that day, would you have done the same thing as you had for him? Jaebum didn’t hesitate to conclude you would have. This made him feel bitter, and yet he couldn’t fathom why. Jaebum would have pushed BamBam, or anyone, out of harm’s way as well.

“Let it go for now,” he ordered his brain, shaking his head and starting up the ignition to the car. Pulling out of the car park and out onto the road, Jaebum headed back to the studio, his mind reeling over the songs you created together. He knew there was one thing he needed to do first before I saw you next, and that was to produce them.

_________________

[Part 6]

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greensconnor · 5 years ago

Note

i’m asking about your dragon age characters

molly i would KILL for u im ur personal hitman now

anyway i said my city now because the entire bioware writing team sucks shit xoxo and i’m so much smarter than all of them but also fully incapable of having a normal amount of ocs for anything (see: the time i made 20 rwby ocs in less than two weeks) so i have. five worldstates here r some assorted thoughts

uhhh so the worldstates r as follows

eira mahariel (two-handed berserk/champ spec), rhett hawke (two-handed berserk spec), alas lavellan (mage knight enchanter spec), romanced alistair/fenris/dorian respectively

shiv tabris (dual wield duelist/assassin spec), radella “rads” hawke (mage spirit healer spec), kat adaar (two-handed reaver spec), romanced morrigan/isabela/cassandra respectively because im a pc gamer and i think i should be able to date whatever video game woman i like because im infinitely better than cishet men

this world state said yeah i respect mens rights. mens rights to shut the fuck up

twins bronson (sword/shield reaver spec) & bryant cousland (archer ranger spec), carmine hawke (archer assassin spec), syracuse trevelyan (dual wield tempest spec), romanced zevran/anora/josephine/bull. if ur wondering how that works my city now and the warden, hawke and the inquisitor should all meet and so they do because i Said So

riva amell (mage arcane warrior/battlemage spec), graham “gray” hawke (mage force spec), hellathen “hela” lavellan (archer assassin spec); romanced cullen/anders and later blackwall because hawke only likes men who will break his heart. hela doesn’t have a romance because she’s literally 20. who let her lead the inquisition (me it was me). also it should be noted the version of cullen i have in my head only vaguely resembles actual cullen because i write better than dragon age writers ever could and i gave him an Actual Cohesive Narrative and he gets bullied relentlessly for being scrawnier than his mage boyfriend

malien “mal” surana (mage spirit healer/keeper spec), jules hawke (sword/shield reaver spec), ash adaar (mage rift spec), romanced leliana/merrill/krem because i should have been able to kiss krem and its a Crime that i am not allowed to

knight enchanter is a Very op specialization and by Very op i mean it makes a mage with their built-in low constitution stats able to solo the biggest baddest dragon in the game on nightmare mode in under five minutes so like. alas lavellan fist fights dragons for fun send tweet

i think lavellans should be able to hit ppl with bricks for all the shit they endure. thus solas gets pranked by mahariel and alas by which i mean they just tip buckets of water onto him from the rookery

kat might be my only competent inquisitor but she did also try to knock out the right hand of the divine and attempt to gap even tho there’s fucky magic burning up her hand so does she have a brain cell? you decide

also its fantasy land and i do what i want so kat has blue/gold sectoral heterochromia

gray “mage rights” hawke is best friends with fenris which surprises literally everyone. their friendship started because they got into a fist fight and then they were like okay i respect u now. hawke is like hey fenris give me ur sword i have a fun trick to show u [uses his sword as a foci to zap carver in the ass with lightning]

i am Always thinking abt like how cullen could have been one man anti-chantry propaganda machine if he hadn’t so blatantly been shoehorned into every game past origins so anyway bioware forgot about a wholeass moon i can write what i like. [holds up cullen by the scruff of his stupid armor] not only are you bisexual you are also a bottom

i also Hate the whole uwu mage haters get fixed by romancing a mage

unlocked secret dialogue option where my inquisitors verbally cuss out dorian’s dad instead of whatever sympathetic narrative the writers were going for cuz its bullshit.

riva is a showoff and a Menace about being as good as he is because he unabashedly loves being a mage and hes like oooh look at me im sexy i dont need to use my hands to cast magic because i’m just that good ;)) and you know what. hes right.

gray, on the other hand, does Not want to be mage. he wants to be a druffalo farmer and retire in the hinterlands and be left the fuck alone. unfortunately he is gay and has one brain cell and terrible, terrible taste in men. ribbed relentlessly for this by riva (altho does he have room to talk hes been hung up on cullen since he was like 13)

shiv is trans n kieran is the result of doing the dark ritual with her wife and he looks a Lot like shiv (dark skin pointed ears, shock-white hair) and morrigan always just Assumed she dyed it or did something magic with it so seeing their kid come out like that was a WEIRD time for her

leliana almost Murdered by cassandra in worldstate 5 because the warden is Actually There The Whole Time, but its been 10 years, mal’s cut off all her hair and gotten full facial tattoos and she’s like “no one will know its me its fine” and she’s right. she gets away with it. only cullen like, Knows, because he knew her before the blight but he doesnt have a death wish n he like. will Not piss her off

shes dalish by birth n she was stolen from her clan by templars and thus is vehemently anti-circle and anti-chantry in general

uhhh the vallaslin (elf face tattoos) of my 4 dalish characters are:

eira = ghilan’nain (chose em cuz shes rlly interested in the navigation aspect of the goddess)

alas = falon’din (god of the dead n he picked them because he’s Also the god of fortune and alas is like tee hee fun but also he can and will kill u if u fuck with him so yk its fitting)

hela = june (god of the craft bc she likes to Make things but june is also the god who taught the elves 2 hunt and hela is. a hunter.)

mal = elgar’nan (allfather/god of vengeance bc. she is Vengeful. she is Angry. but yk fucking with shem politics and fucking their divine is like. mal may have little a retribution. as a treat.) yes she has the full half-face solid colour tattoo she does NOT fuck around.

bronson and bryant r not genetically identical but they Look similar enough 2 anyone who doesn’t know them well enough 2 play spot the distance. anora and bronson think this is a super fun game to play, especially when nobles realize they’ve swapped out the king but they’re too nervous to say anything

eira mahariel has two hands. one is for holding hands with alistair and the other is for throttling elven gods, apparently. she’s killed one before so solas she’s coming for your bitch ass next. watch urself.

speaking of eira and alistair are married thru dalish tradition and humans don’t recognize it n alistair loves 2 re-propose to her with random things. he’ll just pick up like. a bit of cheese and be like “marry me ;)” and she’s like GASP but whatever will the chantry say!!!! all of their friends r sick of them

“vhenan if you love me bring me a sword” “you think i could do better than a sword made out of space rock?” “:)”

eira is my youngest hero at 18 at the start of her game and kat is my oldest at 32 at the start of her game.

none of my hawkes are under six foot. rhett is the tallest (6′8″) and rads is the shortest (6′2″).

syracuse trevelyan would have been the Perfect inquisitor if he were not a pretty boy himbo and a gay bastard who does Most Things just to spite his parents.

[corypheus pointing at syracuse’s visage in his crystal orb thingo] i want that twink obliterated

i love the companions from older games return thing i truly do so i make it a point for Every companion to return in inquisition so the gang rlly is all here because i am a Slutte for found family

i lie in my keep worldstates because i dont want to choose between hawke and alistair during here lies the abyss but i never make him king and every time i play inquisition and cole has the wicked grace line it makes me Scream. alistair baby im so sorry i did this to you but i didnt actually do this to you

yes this is my everyone lives au but like. all the time. i have never left hawke in the fade and i do not intend to.

fuck whatever nonsense about wardens not being able 2 have kids. by sheer divine power (me) anora and bryant have three daughters; eleanor, sabina & cecelia n both bronson and zevran make Excellent uncles because i think anora deserves good things because i’m tired of bioware being like women bad, actually,

so like most of the time i have the warden & hawke turning up after the move to skyhold n then staying on, with the exception of bryant, carmine & mal. mal is as mentioned previously just There the whole time with her girlfriend. bryant steps in as king of ferelden w/ interests in closing the big hole in the sky spewing demons in2 his kingdom yk. carmine shows up because she wants to help & she wants protection for bethany but she outright says she’d rather die than be inquisitor so cassandra is shit out of luck.

“CHANGE HER MIND VARRIC” “she once doubled down on insisting amaranth was a shade of blue because she didn’t want to admit to being wrong. no one’s changing her mind seeker”

alas is the middle child of eight and is thus very good with children and also bossing around people older than him. 2 of his older siblings come to the inquisition when stuff in wycome has been settled

i left ash with the basic canon background with Some variation (he grew up under the qun and left of his own free will when his magic was discovered n he realized he couldn’t take living as a saarebas

kat on the other hand was raised tal-vashoth and has bounced around basically all over thedas and leads her own merc company when the conclave blows up. she also speaks multiple languages. is there a language she doesn’t speak? probably not

just realized how long this got so im gonna like. stop my general rambling now but lmao yeah theres some basics. waves hands.

#sol.txt #sol.orig #long post #late night followers im SO sorry for this #but also like.#i love them so yall just have 2 cope w/ it #no thoughts head dragon age #peonydarling

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princessnowvie14 · 4 years ago

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ENOUGH (cutting ties with toxicity)

I know my love for you was real. But this time. That’s enough!

Enough pain, enough blaming, enough making me that there something wrong with me, enough making me feel crazy, enough of mind games, enough getting my energies, enough all the sacrifices i made for you, enough tolerating your trash behavior. Enough loving all your bad sides.

Being in love with a narcissist is like a curse, a guilty pleasure poison. You know it was bad for you, you know he can hurt you, you know he can destroy but somehow there’s a tiny peace of you that you still you wanna be part of the his script and be with him. His role playing, controllable movie but you must pretend to be a villain no matter how pure your heart is because that was the narc wants, for him to play the victim and put the blame in you from all his bad behavior.

I wanna embrace everything you put me through, stayed through the bad times. So dont blame me for leaving you, and told me i was not contented because I put myself first. Dont tell me Im selfish like you always do, because you were the one who always selfish, you never give me what i deserve, I lower my standards for you but put me down more.

I wanna fix you, all your mistakes. But the thing is you dont admit youre wrong instead you point out all my flaws and put me down every time Im asking you to change all your wrong doings. My weaknesses are your strength, you put a salt in my cuts. where I was wounded. and secure that im insecure that’s when I questioned my self worth. My love for you was real but I wasnt happy.

All the narc’s victim know how much this pain caused us. Mostly, when you decided you wanna get out of the relationship when u cutting all ties and no contact rule is a must.

I’ve learned that people like you cannot change, capable of loving and empathy and I cant make you a better person if you dont decide that you have to. Im tired of observing and guessing your true intentions when your actions are too blurry with mixed signals.

I feel like i’m always begging for your care, begging for you to be loyal. I couldnt even trust you. Cause I know face to face you cant hurt me so what more when i’m not around, I feel like you can always betray me. and my innocence about some things, you can use it for purpose, like you always do with people around you, You use people for your own benefits, use ur friends to boost ur ego, use them when we argue, use them when u want me to get jealous. You use people your own happiness but I know u still feel empty, i feel sorry for u, Cause nothing can fill ur loneliness and no one can help you, not even me. Even when i tried to I know that youd just destroy me, Your emptiness and void in ur heart will never be filled.

You’re too hard to let go but I know I was making the right decision

I always thought you were my blessings, that I should accept everything about you, cause it felt like you were my soulmate. But as time passed by, all you did was immoral, normal people wouldnt do that, disgusting things, and acceptable behavior come up..

All your friends think you are a good man. Ofcourse that's what u want them to think of you, but how about when you unmask urself and show what the real you, The YOU the you showed me and your family. The YOU that you keep hiding from everyone else. The monster who destroyed emotions of people who loves you, but i know the inner child in you is a weak child who’s crying and wanna be saved but its too late.

Wish I could save you, but I’m drowning too. Wish I could bring back your childhood and make you feel better so you wont be damage. Sometimes as I look back, i see ur childhood face and wanna hug, i wish I could talk to you that child and tell him you are loveable, that theres someone like me who cares for him, Im not good in taking care of children though, but if life has given me the chance to make him feel wanted when he was young I will do everything to make him more secure. Sadly he developed a narcissistic behavior and I cant do nothing about that. Its stressing me out, Im not healed too, I know theres an inner child in me that was wounded too. My past wasnt that good, although not as bad as him but my anxiety has started because I have a narcissistic dad too.

You put me in a situation that I can no longer hold on, theres nothing left. My energy and my capacity to love has run low.. And no matter how much I love you, its damaging and harmful. All i ever wanted to do was to let go, to free ourselves from the pain. The separation is painful, but i didnt showed you. I pretended I was fine so you wont trigger my emotional self and hoover me. You know my weakness when I am into you, thats the thing I avoid. To make you think that I was affected in you. To make u feel that I am emotionally attach was your supply to boost your self confidence. You dont care about me / You didnt love. I accept that. You are incapable to do that and your brain is wired like that. And I understand, I wont change you, but I will walk out in ur role playing. Im not longer the main character nor the villain. Seeing you fading in my life too is gonna be hard but i know that will be the best thing, cause better person and the right will come alone. Thank you for the lesson you taught me, for making my life miserable because of that I became stronger. you told me ill never be happy. I’ll prove to you. SOmeday I will get what I deserve a life that you will envy even more like you used to. And you will get what u deserve too, the pain you caused with everyone will make you feel emptier.... My love for you was real. But soon it will fade....and thats fine.

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chokememrstark · 7 years ago

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Requiem Of Memories // Part 8

Ship: Samifer (Sam Winchester / Lucifer)

Words: 2007 (Chapter 8 / 15)

Fic Summary: While waiting for Lucifer to return, Sam has a chat with the demon that interrupted them and finds out who she actually is. He's shocked by the discovery, but he can't help but like her somehow.

angst, hurt & comfort, alternative universe, au!lucifer, mourning, depression, blood and gore, nightmares, loneliness

Note: I highly recommend to read Nightmares Become Reality before this, otherwise the premise of the story and the setting might not make much sense.

Sorry for the delay again, I’m really not reliable ._.

Tagging: @shebahda @sassysupernaturalsweetheart @spnyoucantkeepmedown @brieflymaximumprincess @kajuned @archingangel @this-darkness-light @secretlydaydreaminglifeaway @humongouscandycoffee

If you want off the tag list or want to be added, just drop me an ask or IM!

Read on AO3!

Sam waited and waited, but Lucifer didn’t return. Hours passed and Sam didn't know what to do with himself. He was worried sick, constantly torn between wanting to scream and cry. What if something happened to Lucifer? What if he couldn’t fight off whatever had attacked his people? Or what if he was captured and tortured and Sam had no way of finding and saving him? He didn’t know this world, didn’t know the rules or where the other side was hiding and what they were planning… he was basically a helpless child at the moment.

The demon on the bed - a short, young woman with wavy black hair and almost invisible horns - was still unconscious and covered with blood and dirt, so eventually, just to pass some time, Sam went to the bathroom and got a bowl of water and a few cloths and towels. He had no idea if she would wake up and kill him because he dared to touch her or not, after all Lucifer’s demons were not very keen about his presence, but he couldn't worry about that too now.

As careful as possible, Sam cleaned the blood off her face, then her arms. He was sure that there was more blood underneath her clothes, but he wouldn’t undress her for sure, that would only make her angry. Instead, he got one of his hair brushes and got rid of the dried blood in her hair before washing the rest away with clear water. When he was done almost an hour had passed and he managed to get rid of almost all the blood and dirt. Sam doubted that it changed anything, but it didn’t hurt at least.

After putting everything away, including the bloody towels and cloths, Sam continued his pacing through the room that he interrupted before. He took books out of their shelves and put them back without looking into them, stood by the window and searched for any sign of a fight or Lucifer, even tidied up what didn’t need to be tidied up at all. He was restless, worried and nauseous, and there was just nothing he could do about it. It was making him mad. His head ran wild with horrible scenarios of what might be happening right now and he wished for nothing more than to be able to shut all his thoughts off for even a minute.

While he stared out of the window once more, Sam suddenly heard a groan behind him and spun around. It was the demon, she had woken up and was pressing a hand against her head now while sitting up. Immediately, the hunter rushed towards the bed and knelt down.

“Hey, you woke up! Thank god.”

“Yeah, as if He had anything to do with that,” the demon scoffed and began checking herself for injuries. Sam ignored her sarcasm.

“Lucifer healed you, but he’s still gone,” he said quickly. “I cleaned all the blood I could see away while you were out, I hope that’s okay.”

“Sure, whatever,” she said and gave him an estimating glare.

Sam realized that she would not share his worries or even care for them. For a moment he forgot that Lucifer’s demons didn’t like him, he was too worried for that. But her reaction made it clear that she couldn’t have cared less about him or anything he did.

“Sorry, I’ll leave you alone,” Sam sighed and pushed himself back up. “Lucifer said he’ll be back soon, he didn’t want you to be alone for now.”

“Typical,” the demon huffed and rolled her eyes. “Still thinks I’m incapable of handling things myself.”

“Well, you were pretty battered when you came here, so…”

“You would be too if dozens of angels attacked you out of the blue,” she hissed and glared at him again. “I still don’t know what the hell happened, they shouldn’t have been able to even be there…”

“Angels attacked you?” Sam asked surprised.

“What did you expect, demons? Of course they were angels. Little winged bastards and their pets.”

“I thought…” Sam stopped, biting his tongue. What did he think anyways? His first instinct would have been demons, but she was right. After all, the demons were attacked, so that was stupid.

“I hope he will manage,” the demon suddenly interrupted Sam’s thoughts with a very worried voice. “They seemed to be very organized and knew where to hit us for the most damage, that’s unusual.”

“How did you manage to get out of there?”

“I fought one of their beasts off and ran, what else? The others were still fighting but I had to get help. We can defend ourselves, but they were just so many.”

Sam was even more worried than before now. What the demon said sounded very dangerous indeed. He knew Lucifer was strong, at least he assumed he was, given that he was an archangel, but that didn’t ease his worries at all. And why were they even attacked in the first place? What was the reason behind this? Apparently these things didn’t happen more often, or the demon wouldn’t be surprised.

“Hey, Giant!”

Sam shook his head and looked back at the demon, totally taken aback by the sudden interruption, especially with such a nickname.

“How about you make yourself useful and bring me some water?”

“Excuse me?” Sam blinked surprised. “Am I your butler and didn’t get the memo?”

“Ugh, sorry,” she rolled her eyes over-dramatically. “Would you please get me a glass of water?”

Sam huffed to hide his confusion, but did her the favor. He got a glass of fresh water from his own stash and brought it over to the bed, waiting for her to finish it. Apparently demons got thirsty too, who would have guessed?

“Thank you,” she said when the glass was empty and put it on the nightstand. “Sorry for being so rude, I’m not in a good mood right now.”

“Forget it,” Sam waved his hand. “You’ve just been attacked after all. And you seem worried too.”

“Of course I’m worried,” she sighed. “We just rebuilt our safe zone in Detroit a few months ago, we didn’t expect another attack so soon.”

“Do things like that happen often?” Sam asked and pulled a chair closer to the bed to sit down. “That they attack you, I mean.”

“They do it quite often, but this safe zone was unknown to them,” she narrowed her eyes in concentration. “The last one they attacked wasn’t as safe, it was just an old factory building we used for storage purposes while building up the actual safe zone.”

“And you have no idea how they found it?” Sam asked and she shook her head.

“Not a clue. We were warded against angels, hunters and everything else, but they still found us. Maybe we have a rat somewhere in our ranks.”

“Damn, that would suck,” Sam hissed. If they actually had a rat, no place was safe and he knew that. “I hope Lucifer comes back soon…”

“Me too,” she sighed. “I hate when we have to call him to help us, that’s what we are there for after all. To defend our zones. Lucifer has bigger things to do.”

“I’m sure he’ll be fine,” Sam tried to assure her, sadly without much cogency. “I’ve never seen him so serious before…”

“He can get pretty intimidating when he’s serious,” the demon laughed and shook her head. “You shouldn’t anger him, just a small warning. It’s not fun when he’s angry.”

“Yeah, I figured that much,” Sam huffed. “I’m Sam, by the way. But you probably know that already.”

“Of course, everyone does,” the demon said and rolled her eyes. “You’re famous amongst demons already. You can call me Megan, or Meg for short, I don’t care.”

Sam thought his jaw would fall off by how fast it dropped. Meg? Did she just say Meg? That couldn’t be, she didn’t look like Meg at all!

“Are you having a stroke?” Meg asked, poking Sam’s shoulder with her finger.

“No… no, I’m fine...” Sam mumbled, totally baffled. He couldn’t believe this was actually Meg, but now that he looked at her a bit closer, he realized that it could be. Her vessel was different, but kind of similar to the Meg he knew, or not? The same hair, the same height apparently and, if he’d squint his eyes, even her face could be the same, just… a bit younger maybe. And with horns, even if they were rather small and less intimidating than the ones he had seen on other demons so far.

“You look like you’ve just seen a ghost of something,” Meg scoffed.

“That’s one way to put it.” Sam cleared his throat and tried to act normal again. “I’m just surprised. I… I knew a demon named Meg in my world too.”

“Right, Lucifer mentioned something about you coming from a parallel world. So it’s true?”

“Yeah, kind of. It’s a bit complicated,” Sam scratched his head awkwardly. “This world is very different from mine.”

“What is your world like?” Meg asked curious, to which Sam couldn’t suppress a jerk of his lips.

“It’s… greener. I don’t know, but I guess that’s the best way to describe it. The apocalypse didn’t end like this there, we managed to stop it just in time.” Sam was surprised he could talk about this so easily, but it just happened.

“You stopped it, really? So, your world wasn’t destroyed like ours?”

“No,” Sam shook his head. “It’s pretty normal, I guess. We still fight demons and monsters of course, but most humans don’t even know any of them exist.”

“I knew it, you’re a hunter!” Meg exclaimed, but not in a good way. “You have these eyes, this look that all hunters have.”

“We have a look?”

“Oh yes,” she huffed. “You all have it, it comes with the job. It makes our skins crawl and be on edge as soon as you are close.”

“I didn’t know that,” Sam marveled. He wondered if this was a thing only in this world or if the demons he had met had seen the same things in his eyes.

“You don’t look like you’re about to kill me though, why not?”

“Why should I kill you?” Sam asked surprised. “You’re a demon, sure, but I don’t wanna kill you. I don’t want to kill anyone anymore to be honest. I’m tired of it.”

“Could you have a chat with our hunters so they feel the same?” Meg asked, to which both of them had to laugh a little. “I mean, if you have time and all.”

“I’ll check my calendar,” Sam grinned and Meg chuckled again.

“I like you, Sam,” Meg suddenly said, startling the hunter for a moment. “Don’t get me wrong, I hate hunters, but you’re not that bad actually. A bit wimpy looking, but I guess that’s because you’re human.”

“Says the one that looks like a little girl,” Sam scoffed with a smile. “Excuse me, okay? I’m double your size, I could break you in half.”

“I would love to see you try, Giant.”

“Sorry, but I don’t hit girls.”

Sam had expected Meg to be much more resentful towards him, but she didn’t seem to be like the other demons he had seen here so far. He wasn’t convinced that this wasn’t just an act, but for a few moments he found it nice to not be faced with hate from those who followed Lucifer.

“Do you think he’ll come back soon?” Meg suddenly asked, the concern back in her voice. “I know he is strong and all, but there were so many of them this time.”

“He promised he’d be back, so he will,” Sam said confidently. He was worried out of his mind, but Lucifer had promised to come back and he believed in his promise.

“I hope you’re right,” Meg sighed. “If he doesn’t come back we are screwed.”

“He’ll be back, you’ll see. He’ll be back.”

#samifer #sam x lucifer #sam winchester #spn lucifer #requiem of memories #multi chapter fic #chapter 8 #myfics

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tedfashionski · 5 years ago

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Finking, Finking.

Hi, welcome to my ted talk. (That is the only time I will ever make that joke. This is Fashionski Finks. Expect radically low standards of self-involved rantiness with zero research or accountability from here on out). For a while there I seriously thought that the covid-19 quarantine was going to result in people being increasingly placid and accepting of creeping extensions of the police state. But here I am, getting depressed again, not about the protests, which I love, but more about my relationship to in-group pressure dynamics. One of the problems with being a relentless contrarian is the discomfort of my impulse to rebel against groups even when they’re championing the right thing. I have to find my own way to fight against the system as an outsider. No gods, no masters, no fucking peer pressure. I’ll never be happy joining a chorus line. I don’t sign fucking petitions (they’re just lists for the NSA). I do donate, but like fuck will I do it performatively. I can’t go to protests cus I get panic attacky in crowds. I empathise pretty strongly with outsiders of all stripes but believe ridiculously excessively in the public good of criticism, and have a nostalgic love of trolling (I like to think I’m gentle with it though). Bring back the troll! We need that fucker, he’s a sign of a healthy internet. I’m writing this blog thing as an extension of my need to vent my extreme negativity. TBH I never expected to get any followers with ted twitter and the bizarre welcomingness of the hf twitter community totally wrongfooted me. I’m not nice. Ted isn’t meant to likable. He’s my dark side. I was meant to be using this alt as a way to terrorise the nice nice (secretly cruel) fashion people. I’m gunna try and up that aspect more. Just bear in mind, my complaints are largely about the system, but if I see you perpetuating fashion’s entrenched anti-intellectualism or its insidery bullshit, I’ll come for you with a little meta-bomb with your name on it. Maintaining my misanthropic tone does take work tho, like, deep down in some twisted part of my psyche, I guess I do actually want to be liked. It’s fucked up.

I suppose it’s only fair to explain this Ted fursona. Like, new concept, who dis? Why all the furry porn? …..because I just think it’s hilarious. Every time I think about the furries I cackle (not at them, mind). I just love the mad corruption of pure Disney aesthetics into hardcore pornography. That’s anti-authoritarian as fuck. I love the sincerity of their culture. The way the crazy fetish aspect means they’ll never be fully blandified by mainstream acceptance. The way it’s so cringe but so delightful. And more seriously, I’m interested in how a culture of mostly gay male nerds developed to the point where they’ll invest 10k in custom fursuits and support eachother’s independent businesses in ways that the fashion community completely fails to do. The fashion world sucks. There’s so many correlations there that I want to investigate: the newness (furries date from around the 70s, fashion culture in its self-aware state dates from the late 19th C – both very young fields); the centralisation/decentralisation; the hierarchy (furries can be pretty catty, I have discovered in my research, and we all know what fashion people are like); the adoption of new identities; the cis-boy gayness aspect (I’m increasingly tired of the extreme nasty hierarchy of certain CSM queens. It’s all very UGH. Just, fuck those particular bitches.) There’s more to the furry love, but I’ll explore it in future posts.

More importantly, why Ted fucking Kaczynski? I’m not like, actually a terrorist. (….yet. tehehe. NO, seriously I like non-maiming violence. Fuck yeah to property damage. Fuck yeah to disabling the system in extreme way. But no to wooden IEDs. Think of my shitty jokes that fail to land as my hand-crafted bombs). I think I like the shitness of Ted. He was just an epic fail of a terrorist. I’m a little white girl living in London. I’m not actually a primitivist, as much as I crave a hut in the woods. I did go to an elite school though. I had some really shitty experiences in the fashion industry in my early 20s, and I watch my friends who are relatively successful in that system and I get so angry on their behalf at their poor treatment. They think I’m too angry. Fuck that. They should be more angry, and the fact that they can’t be angry at their extreme precarity and the fact they’re still insecure and terrified of being ejected by the system after all their investment and skills they’ve built up is BULLSHIT. I’ll be double angry for them, I’m not invested in that system. I don’t need it to pay my rent. I’m free, motherfuckers, and I’m coming for the abusers and exploiters. If you’re a complacent industry figure not fighting hard from within, uggghhhhh fuck you. Yes, YOU. Soooo, I relate pretty hard to the MK ultra stuff. (go look him up, he was basically tortured and experimented upon by the elite). But there’s a pretty big chasm between my views and his, and I’ll try to be clear about the extent of my interest in his extreme beliefs. I haven’t even finished reading the manifesto. Basically, I watched that shitty show on Netflix with sam worthington around the same time I watched Joker (that movie fucked me up) and thought it’d be a good outlet to larp online as a terrorist. There’s the angry white alt-right school shooter aspect, which I’m still figuring out, cus I’m non-binary and I was raised by nutso trumpy right-wingers, who I barely speak to anymore, and I struggle to get along with people generally. There’s sad, self-pitying rage here. I empathise with the angry white dudes too much. I feel guilty about it. That’s good ground for artmaking (yes, shamefully, this…is…art. Sorry). I modelled this fursona a little after my brother, who I spent years living with and arguing with and trying to lift out of his scary racist youtube rabbit holes. This is actually quite an emotional thing for me, cus I did the ‘talk to your fascist family’ thing. And I completely failed. I realised his right-winginess wasn’t lessening, I wasn’t gaining ground, and in fact my excessive empathy and desire to reach out to the relative most similar to me in character meant his extremism was rubbing off on me. Making me more resentful and depressed. Feeling powerless. I was being too kind-hearted and forgiving of his masculine impotence. So I’m exploring some personal shit here. But Ted is also a cute lil fuzzball teddy bear. He means well, but me being super autistic and faily at social skills means he’s kind of a dick, cus I am. I’m going to try and further develop this character, this POV, and this post is the only time I’ll explain the divide between him and his creator (moi). The ‘I’ on the twitter and here is Ted Fashionski, I need that space between me and him. Masks give us this freedom to be more ourselves. Internet culture has lost a lot of its wild brutal anonymity in the last decade or so, now everyone’s afraid of making mistakes. How the hell do you grow if you’re not allowed to fuck up? This is a vital outlet. He’s become an important part of my life and I have to say, I love being Ted Fashionski. He’s like Paddington Bear who just escaped form Guantanamo or something.

I get pretty fatigued as a matter of course. I’m a long-term depressive since childhood. I have a difficult time keeping my hard-on for living. I don’t get suicidal really but I do struggle with extreme fatigue. I sleep a lot. I often fall into spirals of self-hate. And as someone who utterly believes in revolutionary leftist politics, I beat myself up about not doing enough. I’m so middle class and english and white. I was raised in such a chauvinistic and complacent culture; I don’t even know where to start. I’m wading my way through post-colonial literature and beating myself up for finding it boring and uncomfortable. It’s hard to force yourself to acknowledge your culture is The Bad Guys. It’s easier to fall into fanstasies of supremacy and butthurt misunderstoodness. And it’s not like my depressive brain needs any encouragement to hate me. My trajectory is ever leftwards, but I remember the righteous fury of being right-wing. I get it, that was me. We need more paths back from fascism, more comprehension of why people are that kind of shitty. I talk less, and less well, the more depressed I am. If I’m talking, it means im feeling a lot better. Just, fyi.

Give me a minute to be critical here. With the George Floyd protests, a lot of the cool guys on fashion twitter has gone blazingly hardcore on the political side. But there’s this troubling rhetoric about ‘no return to normal content’ or ‘this isn’t the time for fashion’. Like fuck it isn’t. This is a key problem with fashion culture right here, we have this received perception of fashion as empty escapism. Escapism matters in fashion, yes. But seriously, talking about the surfaces of things does not equal not caring about deeper meaning. What the fuck. Clothes are a connective tissue, a membrane between us. They’re emotional and powerful. We can talk about things that matter THROUGH clothes. I speak fashion, pretty fucking well. Most people who work at fashion magazines are morons with no understanding or respect for their subject. They’re incapable of doing it justice, and that’s deliberate. On this tumblr you’ll see rants and reviews of fashion and other artforms, always interpreting through a fashion lens. cus it matters, cus it’s a vital part of the culture, cus just because something has a glittery, seductive surface doesn’t mean it doesn’t communicate or contain depth. There’s no going back to ‘normal fashion content’, yes. Normal fashion content is a fucking psyop to divert legitimate interest in aesthetics amongst largely non-academic dyslexic visual types away from careful thought/feeling and towards empty consumerist commericiality. The traditional fashion media wants you to express yourself and your interest in the zeitgeist through buying more shit. Another fashion world is possible. Let’s destroy the old and build a new one, one where surface and spirit are connected and true and fashion can’t be abused in service of evil industrial monopolists.

/end rant. TLDR: angry fictional teddy bear with tin-foil hat and an eco-anarchist fetish says no to stupid fashion and yes to the renewal of conceptual fashion. Also, Fuck White People.

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ombreandempty · 7 years ago

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Confessions of a Monster

Do you ever just look at yourself and think “wow, you’re a fucked up person”? But not in reference to things you should see a therapist for like: anxiety, low self esteem or an eating disorder. No, in reference to your affect on others. How you interact with them makes you think of just how much better the world would be with out you there.

They tell you to confide in them. To trust them. To let them help you bear the weight of your sins. Sins that you don’t even want to admit to carrying. “You can’t be a rock all the time.” They say. Don’t they know that’s all you want to be? A rock can’t hurt anybody when sitting neatly nestled somewhere out of the way. Far away. From anyone it’s ever cared about.

A rock can’t hurt someone by betraying their trust. Breaking them under the weight of a sin that is too great for the other person to bear. A simple rock can’t break a friendship apart by allowing the other person to take on something that they shouldn’t.

Truly the most painful part isn’t being left behind. Being told “I can’t do this” No. The most painful part is watching that person stress and freak out and lose themselves in something that wasn’t their problem to begin with. That wouldn’t have been their problem if you just remained the rock you were supposed to be.

This wouldn’t have happened if you were a rock. If you hadn’t thought for just one second you were capable of having an emotionally vulnerable connection with someone without destroying them in the process. Instead you watch them break, try to take it all back only to discover that there’s no saving someone once they look at you with utter disdain for placing such a sin on them. You tried to warn them. You were never strong enough to bear it so you thrust it on others. Looking. Searching for a connection, support, that you were never meant to have.

You’ve always thought you were better off alone. Suffering in silence. Because that way you can’t hurt anyone anymore. You’re better off retreating into that empty chasm that you call a heart. That void that will never be filled because you know you can’t do this again. It hurts too much. Because no one ever says it’s a shame they didn’t get to know you. Because there’s nothing positive to get to know. Only hurt lies down the path of pursued friendship with you.

You’re a monster you say as you look at yourself in the mirror. You’re a monster you repeat in sobbed whispers as you sit on the cold hardwood floor of a darkened room. Consumed and hurt and angry and incapable of making rational decisions. Wishing desperately that you were a rock, someone that could hold it all in to spare everyone else. Instead you’re a monster you repeat endlessly.

Always hurting the people you claim to care about and finding yourself watching them leave. A choked, desperate plea in your throat of don’t go bit back by the knowledge that it’s better for them this way. It always is. And so you watch them leave, words that you will never admit hurt spilling from their lips as you hold back tears. Monsters don’t cry. They don’t deserve to be able to cry.

No one needs a monster in their lives. They each have their own demons; powerful things that they tackle and try to combat every day. You’re not needed to add to that equation. You’re never needed. As a monster all you do is destroy. Destroy and kill and consume until there’s nothing left of the person you called a friend. A monster is not a friend. A friend would never do that.

As a monster I’ve left a path of destruction in my wake. Driving people to make decisions they otherwise wouldn’t have; their rightful hatred for me turning them into someone that they’re not. Someone that they cease to be once I’m out of their life.

They’re always better without me. Always. When they walk away a weight is lifted, the darkness is gone, the danger has passed. They can go back to leading a normal life, having normal relationships and trusting people who won’t hurt them.

I try to “protect” whatever that means because I never am able to accomplish it. My brand of protection is merely a cloak of despair. Instead of shielding them from pain, I lock them into a world where that is all they know. I hurt them. Over and over and over again until my tears and pleas and cries of “im sorry let me fix this” mean nothing despite the sincere desire to do better. Despite its sincerity, the fact remains: no one trusts a monster.

My weakness is that I have deluded myself into believing that I am someone that someone else can confide in, feel safe with and that can be a good friend. I crave that connection. I want to be included. I want to feel safe and like I have someone to confide in. I yearn for it.

But if I do I destroy the other person. Rip the friendship apart from the inside out until there are wounds, spelling out my name on the inside of their hearts. The incubation period of the disease of my friendship always varies. But reported symptoms are panic attacks, hatred, feelings of isolation, self loathing, guilt, and desperation.

A monster shouldn’t ever try and become normal. Instead a path of isolation should be taken. No one will be hurt by something that has never entered their life to begin with. Especially not by something so vile and destructive.

Vile, destructive, abusive, self assured, uncaring, self absorbed, selfish and disgusting. Those are the only words to describe a monster. There are no positives. No semi-decent descriptors. Nothing. And that’s all I’ll ever amount to be. Those 8 adjectives are synonyms to my name. Those 8 adjectives define me.

Someone who consistently hurts others can only be seen as such. Their lack of basic human compassion and dignity make it impossible for them to rise above these descriptors try as they may. They will always be monsters.

To those I cared about that I have hurt I am sorry. It won’t mean much, this I know and have been told. Repeatedly that my apologies are in vain. They mean nothing and never will mean anything. They’re empty. But I am deeply sorry and regret each and every one of my actions. I’m sorry for all the pain, regret and anguish I have caused you. It was never my intention to bring this into your life. I should have never brought it into your life and allowed it to progress.

I will atone for my sins the rest of my life, hoping that one day I’ll have been able to fix my weakness and sequester myself somewhere where I can’t hurt anyone anymore. I just don’t want to hurt anyone anymore.

But know that in this exposure of myself as a monster that this will be a warning to all those I will cross paths with in the future. That the world will know that you were right to hate me. That I always agreed with that hatred but was too selfish to realize the full implications of it. It doesn’t matter what I want. I know this. There are few things that I am good for in this world: laying on my back, self destruction and self isolation. There is no reason for me to exist. Yet here I am, taking up space and hurting people as I do so.

I should have realized sooner that no one needs a monster.

#tl;dr I hate myself and probably hurt everyone around me all the time #self worth #hate myself #alone #I wrote this last month but it's still true #it'll always be true #late night thoughts #thoughts #personal

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theyoungest-weasley · 8 years ago

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Newt Scamander Imagine 3 soulmate au

In which people who have a soulmate will see whatever is written/drawn on each other’s skin.

Newt remembered the first time any marks from his soulmate had turned up on his skin. Of course he had tried to connect with whomever it was before, but there had always been no response. Eventually he just assumed he didn’t have a soulmate.

But one day when he was in potions class during the beginning of 6th year, he was giving a presentation on how to make Amortentia (due to the fact that he had skipped class the day before to sneak into the forbidden forest and this was part of his punishment) when someone from the back of the room yelled out, “Woah!! What’s on your hand?”

Newt stopped and looked over at the short, blond haired boy with large glasses confused before holding up his hand to see what all the astonished looks were about. His hand was covered, front and back, with black ink that drew out flowers and swirls and intricate designs. He pulled down he sleeve and watched as slowly, another flower was being drawn on his wrist on its own. Only, it wasn’t appearing on its own. His fantastic soulmate was drawing the art on his/her arm, which was appearing on Newts.

“Damn!” one girl yelled out, “Your soulmate has some skills!!”

“I have a soulmate,” Newt whispered to himself, “I thought I would die alone and i have a soulmate!”

“Ah, thank you, but shall we return to the potion,” to Professor interjected, giving Newt a glare for disrupting the class.

Newt nodded, his spirits lifted immensely, and rolled his sleeve all the way up so he could watch the illustrations growing on his arm from the corner of his eye while continuing the demonstration.

———

You rolled up your sleeve further to continue the flowers and designs your were drawing with ink when you heard your name.

"Y/n?"

"Y-yes?" you said, snapping out of a daze.

"What do you think?"

You laughed nervously, "Oh, um, ha, could you repeat the question?"

Professor Rose sighed, "Y/n, if you are incapable of focusing during my lessons maybe it would be wise of me to confiscate the quill that distracts you."

You put the quill down, "No! I swear, I'll listen!"

The Professor gave you a skeptical look but turned and continued the lecture. You sighed in relief and sat back in your chair before turing back to your friend Queenie.

"Y/n! Pay attention!" she whisper-yelled.

You rolled your eyes thinking 'fine, I guess I won't tell you about my soulmate.'

Her eyes went wide and she smiled, "You never told me you had a soulmate??!!"

"Miss Goldstein!"

Queenie winced and looked up, "Sorry Professor."

"Perhaps you and Miss y/l/n would like to take this conversation outside? And then come talk to me when class is over?"

You and Queenie glanced at each other before gathering your things and going to sit in the hallway.

"Tell me everything!!" Queenie was beyond exited.

You laughed, "Alright, alright. So whoever it is has tried to contact me a couple of times but I haven't responded-"

“Why?"

"Oh, because-"

"Oh you don't want to 'tempt fate'? That's foolish, don't you want to know them? Oh you do but you want to meet in person normally?"

"Well, anyways, I was drawing on my arm in class instead of my paper and look what they wrote!!"

You showed Queenie your bicep proudly, which displayed the words 'you're a bloody amazing artist!!'

Queenie smiled, "Aw how cute! But what's with the 'bloody'?"

"I don't know. I read in a book that brits say that. Do you think they could be British?"

"Yeah, why not?"

"God, I'm going to have to wait forever to meet them then."

"Don't worry honey, it'll feel like no time has passed when you meet them."

----------

You walked into the living room of the apartment you had spent the night in wearing nothing but your undergarments. Queenie smiled as she was magically tending to both of your outfits for the day. You were about to ask where Tina was when the door opened and she slipped in, two men following her. You stood up, shocked.

"Teenie! You brought men home!"

"Tina!" you sounded much less enthusiastic than Queenie and more alarmed, "You brought men home?!"

She nodded, "Why don't you two put something on."

You were still in disbelief at the strange round man wandering around, seemingly lost in his own world.

"Is he okay?" You asked no one in particular.

"Got bitten by a murtlap," the other man responded.

"Isn't that harmful to no-maj- woah."

You looked up only to be meet with a shockingly handsome face with bright eyes and countless freckles. The stranger gave a weak smile and you heard Queenie giggle in the background.

"I'm Newt."

"Y/n," you responded, still in awe.

You looked down after a moment and realized you still weren't properly dressed.

"I-I should-"

"Yeah."

You walked over to Queenie and grabbed your clothes.

She elbowed you and whispered, "Y/n! Remember, I know what you're thinking, you naughty girl/boy!"

You shot her an angry look and slipped away, going to get dressed and collect yourself before returning to the main room.

-----------------------

You and Newt had become very true friends, and you couldn't wait for him to return back to New York with his newly published book. You had developed some feelings for him, but you tried your best to shoo them away, falling for your best friend was a one-way ticket to HeartBrokenville. The only person who knew of your feelings was Queenie, and only because it was impossible to hide things from her. Finally, after what seemed like hours, there was a knock on the door if Queenie and Tina's apartment. You stood up, filled with excitement, and Queenie gave you a knowing look before following Tina to answer the door.

"Hello." You heard Newt's sweet voice and you couldn't help but grin.

He greeted Tina and Queenie and before turning in your direction.

"Y/n," he spoke your name breathlessly, as though he had been incapable of speaking or breathing or living until he saw you.

You flashed a smile.

"Newt."

He opened his arms and you ran into them, "It's been too long, Newtie!"

Newt laughed, "I missed you too, love."

You pulled away, "So... Let me see it!"

He smiled and held up the book, the bright orange cover making everything else in the room-aside from Newt's proud smile- seem dull.

You took it in your hands and felt the cover, "It's beautiful! I love the smell of a new book!"

Newt laughed, "I hope you'll buy it for more than just the smell."

You faked contemplation, "Nah, that's it."

Newt rolled his eyes and you pushed his arm gently.

"I'm kidding, don't worry. But I am serious when I say I am so proud of you!"

Newt's face turned red. "T-thank you, y/n."

--------------------

You could hear the laughter coming from the kitchen in the bathroom. Earlier you had excused yourself to freshen up before Newt's welcome home dinner, but had become somewhat side-tracked looking at your face in the mirror, you looked over at the quill on the desk in the connecting room and back in the mirror. Wouldn't it be kinda neat to draw on your face and neck? You could make it look like a tree was growing up your neck and around your face, then wash it off before dinner. Yeah, that would be super neat! You hadn't drawn on your own skin since Illvermorny years, but it was worth a shot! Besides, you'd had plenty of practice drawing on paper. You dipped the tip in in and began drawing on your neck as you looked in the mirror. You had gotten a little past your chin with the branches and leaves when your ears tuned in to the commotion coming from the living room. You heard shocked tones and rushed words turning into arguing. You didn't take the time to drop the quill and rushed out to make sure everyone was okay. Newt was looking in the mirror and Queenie, Tina, and Jacob were huddled around him, all shouting suggestions to a distressed Newt.

"Just wash it off!" Tina recommend.

"Leave it for a moment!" Queenie interjected.

"Will you get ink poisoning?" Jacob asked Newt with concern, putting a hand on his shoulder.

You remained confused and speechless for a moment before yelling, "What on earth is going on?"

All four turned to you in a rush to explain themselves before pausing.

You sighed, "Look, I was going to wash it off before I came back but then I heard all the commotion and-"

"Y/n," Queenie interupted, "Look at Newt."

Your eyes made contact with his and you noticed the black in his neck.

Branches, leaves, and flowers were delicately drawn all the way up to his chin, identical to yours. You remained speechless and looked down at the quill before looking back up at Newt. You took the quill while watching his face and dragged in down your cheek, watching an identical mark paint itself on Newt's face.

"It's you," you both said in unison.

Newt and laughed, almost in disbelief, "How lucky can a man get?"

You smiled, "I guess this would be a good time to say I love you."

He took in a breath, "Good idea."

You laughed, joy ringing through the gentle melody coming from your moth, and ran to Newt, who was ready to pull you into a hug and spin you around before looking into your eyes, "I think, deep down, I always knew it was you, y/n y/l/n."

You smiled, "I may not have guessed you were my soulmate, but hell, I knew I was in love with you."

He laughed and smashed his lips against yours. You pulled apart and noticed your three awe-struck friends. Queenie winked and looked back and forth between the two of you, "Why don't you two go wash that ink off, maybe a shower would work?"

"Queenie!" Newt scolded and blushed.

"Honey, you're both thinking it!"

hey so im on mobile bc my computer got taken away half way through this, sucks right? so ill fix the other half tomorrow but i really want to get this up for yall!!! pleaseeee remind me if you want to be tagged in anything!! also i loveeee you!!

#newt scamander #newt imagine #newt scamander imagine #fbawtft

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in-paradox-space · 5 years ago

Text

That dream keeps coming back to me.

Everything I do, I think of it.

I was in an evening class that I’m taking this year. I was late at usual, I always miss education. I don’t show up half the time. So I had to write down and retain every single thing that was being said.

I have to catch up from what is implied in the context. I also have to work to compensate for what I’ll miss in my next absent lesson.

Quickly jotting down and scribbling. In pencil. It’s messy. Watching the teachers movements, she didn’t want us to write at that point but I had to retain it.

This girl next to me, she was crying. I must’ve known for a while but it’s all hazy.

Fat girl, same age, wearing a white shirt. Kind of like a school shirt.

I didn’t even process the fact that she was fat in the dream. Maybe the subconscious of my subconscious picked it up but I wasn’t acknowledging it for a second.

I knew I had just 5 minutes to quickly write everything I had to and more until the lesson began properly. Comprehending it and shortening to keywords, underlining the pieces that I’d need to learn later.

I knew she was crying. She was at my right side, next to me. She was on the end of the long extension of 2 person table/desks. Typical white classroom, those curved, hard plastic chairs. It’s like a white, hard, wooden/plastic table with that little pebble-dashed pale grey pattern on it. The window was to the right, behind her. It lead onto a kind of road, in my dream the room for the classroom was in an industrial area but that’s just how it goes.

That’s just how it goes.

So, I knew I needed to do my work. I also knew it was my duty to try to make sure she’s alright.

I ignored her for about a minute, tried to prioritize what I wrote. I was thinking, I’ll speak to her afterwards.

The classroom kept going on, I felt guilty, sort of conscious that other people may notice that I’m just ignoring this girl who is in tears, in tatters.

I glanced at her to assess the situation.

White shirt collar, open kind of wide in a comfortable, unrestricted manner. She had some bits of pink fleece and grey kind of high school jumper material, mixed together in dream fog. I don’t know if I saw her with a white shirt on because it’s an association from high school or if that’s just what her style is like.

She had lightish brown hair, the kind that looks like a matte, disheveled grey. It’s not technically grey, it’s brown. Not like old grey. I would tell everyone that their hair is grey - when I was younger - because to me it only looks like grey. If you put them next to someone with brown hair they look different. They didn’t like it when I said their hair looks grey. They said it’s brown; that baffled me. I didn’t understand why nobody acknowledged it

but yeah, in that sunlight it looked grey; a little greasy and sort of held back in a bobble.

She was absolutely balling her eyes out. Folder and papers on a desk, her face is slipping in and out of her hand, bottom lip opening and closing in the air to make way for the sound of her incessant crying.

I knew I couldn’t ignore it, but I went back to writing it down. My undereyes kept tensing, it was maybe painful. Knowing that I’m actively ignoring her while I hear her cries meshing in to the humdrum of the classroom.

I dropped my pen onto the desk; I couldn’t ignore it. I asked her what’s up? She kept on crying. Normally I wouldn’t do this but it was a dream, I put my arm around her, let her know she’s not alone through human contact. I asked “what’s wrong? Are you okay?” (something like that) my arm resting into the light squishiness of her back, hand growing warmer on her shoulder. She couldn’t really get the words out, ‘its just’, still sobbing and hiding her face. I was telling her its ok, trying to comfort her. My chair was touching hers, I was embracing her from my side.

So she told me something like: ‘your writing. It’s so perfect. The grammar. There’s not a single problem with your grammar, how is it so flawless. You know just what to write, you’re so smart’. My handwriting was a total mess. It was like a bomb hit the page. Like I was writing it on a bus. Just some keywords, messy underlinings and a couple of quick half-sentences. There was hardly any grammar there. I think she was referring to the Korean writing though (it’s a Korean class I go to at uni once a week). I’m a fresh beginner. I had a tiny bit of practice from home, like 2 months of here and there home studying before the course. It’s a little more familiar to me than most of the others and I’ve picked up on that.

I don’t exactly know what she was implying, but I was embracing her to the point where it was basically 1/3 of a hug. I do think, however, she was implying she’s absolutely terrible at it and that was the reason she was crying. She must have had very low self esteem and felt more insecure and hopeless that she wasn’t picking it up that easily. Now that I think of it, she reminds a little of, my older sister, just a bit, a girl called Catherine I used to go to college with, who liked Minecraft lets plays, FNAF and was quite autistic. She struggled with studies and had super low self esteem. She could work untold wonders with a passion and uniquely shaped mind like hers though.

well, I was taken aback by that. I wasn’t sure what to say, ‘uh no it isn’t.’ ‘yours is a lot better’, I know nothing about her so I cant say that. I didnt know how to ask if thats the problem, I was thinking what to say. I couldnt use icebreaker questions and small talk because it was an awful time for it. She was devastated, I was slightly wondering if she went through something awful recently. It seems like her perception was telling her she had no use in the world.

I was looking at my book, at my desk, attention divided towards her, wondering what my next move would be. I was trying to comfort her, but failing. She was going into panic mode, gasping on her tears, she pulled out some herbal supplements from her bag. I recognized the bottle as Nature’s Best, I thought they was 5-htp which I bought. People use them for depression and anxiety because they turn into serotonin. It was something else, the tablet was a see-through grey like cod liver oil pods but not orange. She drank it or put it into some cereal looking travel mug container idek its a blur whatever. It was a response to her attack, it seemed, anyway.

I thought great, that’s something we can bond on in order to get talking. I was like hey, I use supplements from them too. Natures Best, right? She got her red bag and said I’m sorry, wiping away her tears, she swiftly walked out of the door behind us, down the classroom. Then left, with her pinkish smoky coloured fleecy top. Walking and jogging slowly into the empty road, grey skies, damp from previous rainfall, in the industrial zone. The ones where there’s still houses and buildings to rent but the view is just of grey spiky fences and overgrown abandoned lots.

I was going to chase her, I looked at the teacher, asked if I could go. She looked frustrated said no. dont go. I decided teacher knows best and it’d be foolish not to listen to her.

looking back, I think the girl was a metaphor for my sister, or all the girls I’ve hurt. Hurt with my ignorance, with, idk just how I am. Maybe because I try so hard to look good and impress people, so I dont feel embarrassed or ashamed of myself or whatever, it works. Maybe they believe I’m actually as amazing as i try to seem and that makes them inferior. Maybe I don’t notice because im just trying to make sure I dont come off as sleazy, maybe i dont notice how they actually feel bc im just thinking of myself. I’ve also been fairly abusive to my sister as well. She was on the chubby side, kind of looked like that in school, cried a lot. I mean, I had my reasons for being that way, she was hard to live with but, if we actually need to blame anyone which we dont, my mother should have resolved the issues we all had with each other. Now, they’ve lived on into adulthood and we have to assume how to fix them ourselves.

or, when I’m asleep at that time, my baby nephew, one and a half, is always crying and crying AND SCREAMING AND SOBBING AND EXCLAIMING A CRYING SCREAM OF DREAD, ANGUISH, PAIN AND SUFFERING. It’s Hellish. I was at a friends house, sleeping in a comfy, cozy, quiet bed away from any noise. There was no babies crying but, every single morning without dread, I hear him screaming and howling like a jackal. So when I’m in that deep sleep state of mind, the pathways of my brain must now be wired to accommodate for the tormented squealing of his tire-screeching wails.

So, idk, there was crying, in my subcionscious and it was associated with my sister. Associated with idk, chubby girls with brown hair, who i probably see as struggling with mental tasks such as academia. Whether they lack the knowledge and capabalities or not, they certainly lack the mindset, the self belief and perseverance to keep trying... which in turn yields the same result as being incapable, if not to them then to their perception of self and world. . So, she was crying, and I think it’s a metaphor for both what my negative impact is on my baby nephew and thus, his mother, my sister. She walked out the door, she left our moment together because she idk, she didn’t want to experience any of that. She was hyperventilating crying and just wanted out of the situation; maybe to cry and be sad. Or to do something she realized she had to do, for herself or whatever.

I basically saw that as her quitting the course and giving up for good instead of trying. Then, I knew I had to chase her. I was fully ready to go run out that door, go through a very emotional chat and get to the bottom of everything. Inspirational speech, help her with whatever troubles. Assure her that she’s great, reflect her good side to her. Calm down her breathing rate, crack a quick joke to remind her what laughter feels like and walk her back into class.

Yet, the teacher was cross, sternly shook her head and briefly instructed me not to before continuing her lecturing. She knew I’d missed enough already and wasn’t going to just tell me to miss more because one student has disrupted the workflow. Rightly so, I understood and respected her judgement, yet my heart still felt for her. I kept peering out of my window, into the light glowed up in the poofiness of the lighter clouds, covering all trace of blue on the horizon.

So in conclusion, the crying girl was a metaphor for my family, all of those I need to look out for, compromise with and help move forward. The teacher instructing me to use mind over mood, discipline myself and focus on work is my ambition. My desire for a better life, the knowing that I need to sacrifice my desires, my relationships and even often my conscience for the greater good of my future. Of my ambitions, of my businesses, of my legacy, of what I’ll leave behind, for my self. Otherwise... I’ll be stuck crying with them, gawking at the more admirable traits that others have as opposed to myself.

If I was to chase her, I’d be walking away in the same direction with her. All you can really do is hope she straightens up herself, otherwise, the other option would be doing nothing.

So, that’s what I think that is. I had that dream when I drifted back to sleep after 1pm, monday, 21st Oct 2019. It’s all I could think about all day that day. A fat girl crying. I was jaded all day. Contemplative, even when I got home, I lay in bed, i felt ill after being around pets the whole weekend, eating literally uncountable masses of junk food. I kept sighing mentally, thinking back to the girl who kept sobbing to my right, I didn’t notice she was chubby until after when I reflected. I felt responsible. Then the day after (today) I was thinking of it.

Then, this evening, just today. I was in the classroom, late as usual. I creeped in, teacher talking about many points. Straight away my pad and pen was out, scribbling. I noticed after a while, a kinda chubby girl, brown hair (actually vibrant in colour though), colorful fleece, was to my right. She was on the corner part of the table, no more chairs to the right. She seemed completely emotionally intact, however.

I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Every note I made I felt bad. I felt guilty. I felt scared, that maybe I’d upset her. I didn’t want to dominate her subliminally. I did know a little extra stuff like conjugations that hadn’t been taught yet and I was writing those down, wondering if she’s noticed. I couldn’t handle it, I looked at her pad, I had to compliment her. It must have been a sign, a vision, that came in a dream. I even considered asking her what she was doing at that time, when the dream occurred, I considered telling her about the dream. All sorts of forward things to strike a conversation with.

In the end, at breaktime, I asked her name. Straight away told her “your writing is so neat. Oh my God. How is your handwriting so neat? That’s unbelievable, wow!”. It was actually incredibly neat by the way I’ll proclaim that right now. Especially the hangul characters, they’re unfamiliar for us pretty much. They was small, spaciously together, in correct proportions, no lines bending the wrong way. When I write them wow, one is too big, a middle vowel will take up the bottom then i sort of squash the last really big consonant underneath, overlapping to the below line. It’s all disproportionate, just a mess... and thats just the English writing.

So yeah, I didn’t tell her any of that dream stuff or whatever. We got talking. She’s doing third year maths at the uni. Took the course to bump her credits up which improves her overall grade. So she’s been taking it very seriously, she said she went over every single word in the textbook last night. She wants to pass. She’s clearly strong willed, intellectual, all the admirable treats. Very admirable indeed. Her favorite number is 7, mainly because she’s born on a 7th day. She enjoys graph theory in maths, dropped mechanics but did pure and statistics, then told me a bunch of stuff about maths i didnt understand but im the one who inquired so it’s kind of what I get. she also knows her runescape fairly well, but we both grew ambitions in the real world which took over, it seems.

we certainly broke the ice a little bit. I probably wouldn’t have even chatted to her without that dream. I’ll get to know her more again next time.

#personal #text post #lucid #dreams #z #dream

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