#im sorry if my friendship is hurting you
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anyway kaishin + bad parent toichi and chikage enjoyers go read cuethesun's tomorrow, and the next day ✌️😎✌️
#kaishin#i will be rereading it for the nth time 🤚😌#IT'S GOT THE CUTE COFFEE SHOP FLUFF#IT'S GOT KAITO HAKUBA FRIENDSHIP#IT'S GOT KID RELATED ANGST#IT'S GOT SHINICHI (i love that man)#IT'S GOT KAITO (i also love that man)#IT'S GOT THE DANGER#and it aint kaishin if theyre not hurt and worrying over each other babeeeey ohhhh i FUCKIGN LOVE KAISHIN RAAAAAAHHHH#also shinichi protecc kaito ugh ugu rahhh i lob him#also kaito protecc PROTECT shinichi uggghhghh i lob him#if i dont make sense then you just gotta read the fic#if you have already then this is the sign to reread#ALSO TO THAT PERSON WHO ASKED FOR FIC REC ON MY MESSAGES IM SORRY IMMA NEED TIME THATS SO HARD LIKE I LOVE THEM ALL LMAO#if you rly want some now though you can go to my ao3 bookmarks 😘#also the kaishin bigbang fics are always a good place to start 👉😘👉#dc prattles
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obsessed that the one time dandelion ever actually felt guilt in his entire life maybe was not for the cheating, not for the cucking, not for the drinking, not for the whoring, not for the cheating (reprise), not for the avoiding paying his tab, not for the petty and minor theft, but he felt bad because he felt like he was not that good of a friend to geralt
#sorry ill go back to writing to meet my deadline now 🏃🏻♂️#c: dandelion#the witcher books#it does kind of frustrate me though that other fans tend to see dandelion’s presence in baptism of fire as like random#he is also going through his baptism of fire. it’s their collective substitute for therapy#like if you’re wondering why dandelion is there just read the first and fifth chapter of BOE and the second and fifth chapter of TOC#he has to help geralt. he has to do it now. because he couldnt before. but now he can#dandelion’s arc in boe and toc is so subtle but its so satisfying like he becomes just a little less worse but still sucks#also to be clear i dont expect people to feel guilt for drinking or being a patron of sex work#i only included those things because they define dandelion#sometimes people feel guilt for that but it’s not inherent#the other things though (cheating and evading paying your bill) you should feel guilt for lol#im just saying. you dont have a guilt vision when you cheat on like over ten girlfriends at once but#you have guilt hallucinations (though they were probably real) because geralt got hurt?#dandelion is literally the phenomenon in shounen anime where#the guys seem gay but only because they prioritize their male friendship so much and disrespect women so much in comparison#dandelion can be mlm and a misogynist like i dont think those things cant ever overlap#txt
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deadpool and wolverine made me into a giggly little bitch
#FINALLY got to see it#very good theater experience#i went by myself but the people i was sitting between were also giggly little bitches#god the soundtrack#GOO GOO DOLLS?? FROM MY CHILDHOOD?? I LOVE YOU RYAN REYNOLDS#sorry#spoilers past this tag#cowboy deadpool save me save me cowboy deadpool#EVERY WADE HAS A PETER? THE IMPLICATIONS#listen to me probably say what else everyone already has but i'm just... EXCITED#and is it just me or does the cheesy message of every deadpool movie also get to you guys. like friendship being the ultimate superpower in-#anime but like for some reason i just can't help liking the simple cheesy message bc yk not everything needs to be DEEP idk what im saying#anyway#deadpool spiderman venom when?#i have more coherent thoughts but i am tired and headache and face hurts 👍#deadpool and wolverine#deadpool#deadpool 3
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#i never thought id lose friendship so quickly. to have someone i cared about and loved just. suddenly turn#like fuck she was someone i cared about#someone i found comfort in and who i felt loved by#and like. to have that change so quickly#to suddenly turn like that#all because we decided to run#because that house was terrible and unsafe for us and we only felt safe there in each others’ arms#like. we ran because my ex was emotionally abusive and isolated us. made us feel unsafe in the house#and im sorry I never told you that. but fuck#i still love you#it just feels so fucking sudden.#ive never lost a friendship like this#and it hurts#we needed to run. we needed to feel safe. and. idk. it hurts to feel treated like this. to be turned on so suddenly#me and my roomie are safe. at last. we finally found a place to freely exist and be ourselves in. to heal in#we werent the ones to burn that bridge that bridge was burnt long ago#i just didnt think your bridge was burned as well
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leafstar 🤝 graystripe great if u ignore every appearance except their first one
SO TRUE TBH... also that their sudden drops could actually be pretty interesting if they were intentional and taken seriously, but author bias fucks over both of their characters
#sorry i didnt see this til now#ok tbf to graystripe. i think hes ok throughout arc 1. i like his friendship w fireheart growing rocky for a bit#i think he could be interesting as a guy going through negative character development and theres some of that in arc 1#or some interesting character exploration. like fireheart cant afford to be as free as he is. but gray is restricted too in a way#but then theyre like ''no hes still cool we swear'' when hes a nobody to his second litter and im like. alright.#its why in my au i wanna explore him as like. hes a cool guy but a bad friend and family member. too immature for his own good#he picks someone to be loyal to to a fault and it hurts his other relationships. for a time it was silverstream and now its firestar#and leafstar shouldve been a less traditional leader. skyclan shouldve been less traditional in general#but while im not doing this in my rewrite. my friend vio brought up a nice point a while ago that you could make modern leafstar jaded#like shes been through so much shit that shes trying to conform thte best she can and its made her very hostile and traditional#which could be interesting. shes tried to be loose and look where it got her (as the other clans push it)#but again. not the point the books want to make. we're supposed to think sharpclaw is right when he bitches at her :/#featherdawn#mail
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I didnt know the tags woulr be so much i shouldve just wrote a long vent 😭😭😭 rip
#lol. there are still times where my brain goes omg what if you’re really a narc#and then i go out of my way to make sure my friends are as comfortable as possible and thati meet all their needs and i apologize every few#minutes for something silly or for maybe hurting them unintentionally and then i remember of#every fallout w people in my life where i was always taking responsibility for my actions n for my role to what led to the fallouts no#matter how toxic the person was and i remember all the times i geniunely apologized to my siblings for my mistakes (without them pointing#out i did smth wrong) and i remember all the tomes someone told me i hurt them and i owned up to it and apologized and then i go#oh ywa. maybe not ?#bonus: all the times i helped someone out in secret to bring some ease in their life without ever telling them or bragging eith it or#using it against them or reminding them that i did x y z for them#and then all the times where my guilt ate me up at nights and i cried and the times where i brought out the best of people because my love#is Nuturing. yea#AND I GUESS THE FACT THAT MY EX BEST FRIEND TOLD ME IM A NARC AND I STRAIGHT UP WENT OMG YEA! PROBABLY! BECAUSE I WOULDVE BELIEVED HER#ANYTHING 😭😭😭😭 BECAUSE INWAS SO SURE SHE KNEW ME BETTER THAN I KNEW MYSELF! 😭😭😭#BECAUSE I HAD LOST MYSELF COMPLETELY IN THE FRIENDSHIP 😭😭😭😭 NOT VERY NARC OF ME 😭😭😭😭😭😭#but yea. i guess abandonment issues apathy and lack of communication skills (which leads to passive aggressivness) will make you look like a#narc i get where she came from! but still. if i ever see someone diagnose other people i will simply tell them to shut up#especially based on sentences taken out of context. not very sexy#and also very stupid.#rationally seen i shouldve kicked out the thought that im probably not one when my therapist told me theres no chance i am but. when you get#treated like a freaking mondter from the people you’ve trusted deeply. it does something to you >.>#also when my therapist said that she has No rights to make Any diagnosis or statements about other people because whatever i tell her its#going to tell her more about me than them. i shouldve just dtopped believing it honestly. like freaking sideeye to those therapists thst#told my ex friends im a narc. and a big fat kiss to my therapist for being such a beautiful empathstic underztanding patient beautiful and#kind person#alhamdulillah ^-^#kicked out the thought thst i am one *#and also a big fat sorry for being hsving no empathy. my communication skills are getting brtter and im working on my abandonment issues#(sfter being abandoned by my closest friends and family hello this is so sexy of me) and im soooo much more st peace w myself n i like and#care aboyt myself ^-^ even just writing a list of positive things ahout me is smth i wouldve never done two years ago#(also my family took me back alhamdulillah eheh)
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i don't think you want anything to do with me anymore so i can just vent the texts i want to send to you here
#i am sorry#truly genuinely#ive been trying to justify it to myself that we weren't technically together and you said go kiss other people ill still be here meet your#needs in the way you want#but i think it was#yesterday#this guy flirted with me and i flirted back but then suddenly this wave of disgust and self loathing hit me#like what am i even doing#how could i have done that#you were sitting there thinking we're okay you thought we were still together and im just in a bad mood going thru one of those depressive#episodes you were so understanding when you shouldn't have been because if i say im in love with you i should be there for you every step#of the way.#but you go through so much shit alone and im never there for you or atleast not there for you a lot of times and then i blame you for#liking your bestfriends more like it's so stupid obviously love should be reliable stable#and we were something na. we were everything except the label#i should have told you the moment i started feeling empty and dissatisfied again#but just. this isn't an excuse but like i didn't want to hurt you by bringing up this same fight for the one thousandth time#we agreed that you're not in the position to give more and i agreed to be okay with it and i really was.#but i can't help myself i want to give you everything i hate that feeling that i need to be less love less WANT less. mujhse nahi ho pata#i wasn't lying or pretending to be okay with it i was TRYING my best to be okay with it because i love you and this was the only way to#not lose you forever#now i just want to move on fr and be just friends with you. i can't lose you as a person but i don't know how to make this up to you#i am physically incapable of being in this situationship i want a relationship or a friendship i can't with this in between#which is what i told you in jan. i remember my chest actually feeling heavy with fear bc i was so scared of hurting you and getting hurt#again. jokes on me my worst fears came true all the progress we made by taking space is lost#i don't know if you really deleted my playlist. i tried to listen to more songs from it but they're so. lovely. talking about epic grand#love. which we have. but it's like waving a candy in front of a kid and snatching it away it hurts too much to have all the feelings and#none of the relationship. now that ive talked to some people in the romantic sense i get it#you were my best love my most perfect love there are no flaws there's nothing anyone else can do that can be equal or more to what you did#but idk it isn't meant to be maybe there's no future
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I stg if I see one more person call the goddamn honeymoon phase of a relationship "love bombing" I'm going to chew through the earth's crust
#love bombing is one of two fucking things#it is either a cult tactic in which members ''feign friendship'' in order to manipulate interested parties into becoming more invested#OR it is an abuse tactic where your partner showers you with affection‚ pressures you quickly towards intense commitment and then gets mad#at you if you pay attention to anything else#love bombing is NOT when your partners behaves highly affectionately towards you at the beginning of a relationship#infatuation exists! people latch strongly onto new things! they've probably idealized you at least a little bit!#it takes time for people to adjust to a new layer of relationship#if it is not part of the abuse pattern of idealization devalue discard then it isnt love bombing#and devalue doesn't mean just losing interest. it means shit like belittling you or otherwise diminishing you in order to control you#ok sorry thats the end of my rant im just. so tired. of the pop pschology pathologization of relationships these days#most people aren't abusive. they're just toxic. they're making mistakes and accidentally hurting people#im not saying you shouldn't feel hurt. it sucks when that shit happens accidentally! your feelings fucking matter!#but understanding intent is important to better protecting yourself in the future#bc the behaviors that protect you from abuse and the behaviors that protect you from accidents are Different. you need both#okay ill shut tf up now
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misery despair suffering etc etc
#purrs#delete later#two thoughts about separate things both causing the despair. thought / thing number 1 which i think ive talked abt on here many times before#but im saying it again: i am not good at being a friend in the ways my friends need me to be a friend. and in the ways friendship is thought#of societally i guess. i isolate myself constantly. i pull away from the opportunity to get closer with people i don’t know as well. i don’t#text back and then when im finally ready it’s been so egregiously long since it was appropriate for me to respond or reciprocate or#whatever it is i am so crushed by guilt and shame and embarrassment that i can’t bring myself to do it. i have so many unread messages and i#wont even let myself open them. and ive been like this for years. and i hurt someone very badly many years ago by being that way. and it was#more complicated than that but sometimes i remember it and how i acted and how i treated them. and i wonder sometimes if they check up on me#and i don’t want to be immature or weird or whatever for talking about it or wondering that openly. but if you do read this and you know who#you are: i am so sorry. i meant whst i said that i would never stop wishing you well and hoping the very best for you. and i hope you have#all of that and more. and im so sorry for not being brave enough to communicate with you or stick around. i really really am. and im sorry#to all the other people i have hurt by pulling away and shutting down and shrinking inside myself and not talking. ik it’s weird to post#that instead of just telling people directly but it’s the guilt. i am fully aware of how many people / groups of people i owe things to /#for but also just… miss. a lot. and want to talk to even though i won’t let myself. i don’t know why im like this and i don’t know how to#stop. but im sorry im not a good friend or even acquaintance or community member. and im talking to everyone now i guess including anyone#reading this bc god knows how many asks and messages i have on here. im sorry. i want to be a better friend. but i also never have spoons. a#and i also want to stay spoonless and cocooned on myself forever and never come out. and i hate that. i want to be a friend. i want to be#kind and giving and loving and generous in the ways you all have been with me. i want to hang out with people and send messages and be there#to lift people up and celebrate with them. but all i can muster is tapping like on social media and it’s horrific. i have gifts to make and#hello / checking in messages to reply to and roleplay starters to post and i just can’t do it right now and im scared i’ll never be able to#again. but it’s a self fulfilling prophecy. if i say i can’t do it then iwont. it’s not enougu to just be aware of it i have to act on it#and change it. but im exhausted and hurting right now and i have been for years and i need to heal first but what if this is healing.#idk. i rambled on that for much longer than i thought i would so nowim gonna say the second thing in a separate post. and it’ll be weird to#post about that in light of this and it’ll be weird to post this at all. but its been weighing on me so heavily today and i don’t want#anyone to think im ignoring them or not aware of being like this or whatever. and posting into the void is easier than telling individual#people to your faces even though i know it’s cowardly. im really truly sorry. i will try to get better once i have the strength to try.#actually yeah no not gonna say the second thing yet. it would be weird to say it now. this needs to sit a little first
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Oh No. I don't think I like who I've become. Oh Fuck.
#personal#the steps i have to take to help myself are treacherous and i feel terrible for having been in this stagnation for 2+ years#i feel really bad for not having been present. im afraid ive hurt my friendships by struggling to cope.#i wish i could have gotten back on my feet sooner and im still not there yet and im afraid im still hurting people by being in pain#I don't like this person who i am right now. i dont like being hopeless and irritable and in pain and tired.#i dont like not knowing what im doing and not having goals and not knowing what to look forward to#its all quite scary. im sorry if ive hurt you. im sorry i couldnt do my best. i wish i could be someone better.#i wish i had more control over things and knew with more certainty.#a lot of my problems come from not wanting to try bcs the consequences suck
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oh i should grab the fucking note they were passing and read it aloud to both of them. maybe that will teach them not to pass notes about one of their friends .
#its RIGHT THERE#in the OPEN#what's stopping me ?#ruining a friendship i dont care about ?#yeah i wouldn't be losing that much#except for a needy-clingy-annoying-bitch “friend” who acts like she's looking out for me when really she's probably just annoyed that -#- i can get good grades in some of my classes without trying wehn she studies for hours and takes notes#like i dont give a shit#“oh georgia you shouldn't be on tumblr during a lesson”#okay ? try and stop me ?#“georgia stop scrolling on tumblr and do your work”#<- she almost yelled that one at me btw#<< - AND i was done what she was telling me to “finish”#i hate her actually#im just gonna#stop talking to her#sorry if i hurt your feelings but you've hurt mine more than you'd ever think. so#deal with it princess#aida's real life tough stuff
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last
for realsies
#HELLO IM VENTING AGAIN IM SO SORRY#i am sick of everything the usual but i just need some fucking therapy and my diagnosises are taking too long because the system is shit#over here and i feel like i am a literal walking disaster a hazard to myself are my meds even working anymore idk? someone needs to lock me#in a fucking wardrobe before i loose my shit and do something stupid as fuck at least im self aware ok were growing this is called growth#wow ok amazing spectacular#like tonight ive decided i hate everyone again i want to quit uni actually might do it this time i just applied for a random job for no#reason i have a job but if i have 2 then i can over work myself to the max so i dont have to go into uni#i have three weeks off so now im cutting everyone off who knows how long this episode is gonna last for#i am loosing my god damn mind i do not want to do anything everything is so hard why is everyone so pressuring#i stopped doing some of my stupid habbits but now im just going full circle again so im thriving rn live love laugh am i right guys or what#AND WHY CANT I JUST HAVE A THERPAIST WHO CONTACTS ME ITS BEEN SINCE OCTOBER U FUCKING BITCH GO FUCK URSELF#anyway im in huge amounts of pain too idk what i do in my sleep or something but my shoulders hurt so bad#i hate wet tags on clothes when they stick to you throws up actually#i had stale fucking garlic bread today and i want to move out but if i move out then things will get worse for me#why cant i maintain a normal friendship without loosing my mind and hating everyone i mean no one knows my friends are pretty good with me#they understand but i dont know#ive come to the conclusion that i am just a shit
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on one hand the mature thing to do is ignore petty drama that people are creating. but on the other hand, people misunderstanding the situation and misconstruing things you said is really upsetting. so i guess i will just say this and not concern myself with it anymore: you don't have to share anyone's interests in anything but if you want to be friends with them it would be nice if you could at least be respectful. and like, you don't have to interact with anything about their interests at all. but if you ignore them unless they're talking about something you like, that isn't real friendship. and if someone says hey, the things you are doing are hurtful. if you continue doing them, i don't know that i want to be your friend anymore, and you freak out & blame the other person, and they stop being your friend... thats just someone setting a boundary & following through.
like. idk what to tell you, if every time i interact with you i leave because i feel bad and belittled, i don't really have any motivation to continue doing so. and like, if you don't like anything about me, then what's the loss to you even? maybe just go on with your day instead of making posts about how im terminally online or whatever.
#like actually i am hurt at the loss of a friendship but also this isn't a one time thing#and it isn't the first time we even stopped talking over it.#idk why i don't learn my lessons literally my ex was the same way#& its funny bc you guys hate each other#ok im sorry for vague posting i know its terrible i just needed to vent
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"WONDERFUL SHOW TONIGHT, FORREST."
a KILLER FREQUENCY Marie Campbell/Forrest Nash ship playlist on YT
"Good to talk to you again, Forrest. You know, I've really enjoyed our chats tonight."
"I guess we've had some moments."
Tracklist under the cut
Is Everybody Going Crazy? - Nothing But Thieves / The Perfect Girl - Mareux / We Don't Have To Dance - Andy Black / Night Issues (Nightcall x Daddy Issues) Mashup/Remix - FuturePastPerson / "Bassically" - Tei Shi / Cold Summer - Mareux / Diet Mountain Dew - Lana Del Rey / Destruction Of Us - Mr.Kitty / Teeth - 5 Seconds of Summer / HUSH - Ari Abdul / DTLA - Mareux / Make You Mine - Madison Beer / FEAR YOU - Kat Von D / Bad Romance - Lady Gaga / Dark All Day - GUNSHIP / Maniac (feat. Conor Mason of Nothing But Thieves) - AWOLNATION
#killer frequency#marie campbell#forrest nash#marie/forrest (killer frequency)#forrest/marie (killer frequency)#together their first names make the initials for motherfucker :) <3 and i think that's beautiful#playlist#fanmix#“you really plugged mareux 3 times in one playlist huh” Listen. if we're on the assumption that marie is kind of half goth#also this color scheme of their character colors w/ the loading bar u see at the start&end of the game isn't perfect but…it's beautiful ha#gosh im sorry im aware this will be more pleasant listening if u have an adblocker. i hope u do……#p.s. hosted in my sidepiece/bootycall channel. this isnt really what i use/sub from on the daily so u wont get much interaction if any#with all that out the way Pls if u listen let me know what your vibe of this ship is post-whistling night (or in general??) + this playlist#for me forrest was never a target of hate but more someone who Really got in the way to the point of getting on the hitlist#if we keep to the “sense of justice” marie got from him +other strong traits then diff scenarios open up where she considers sparing him#and from there i kinda picture the dynamic At First as Feral beast with Shiny new chew toy (who confirmed Can Flirt Back) but then develops#forrest is bitter/dark/temperamental & sentimental enough to meet her perspectives part way#it all grows into a turbulent friendship that goes into a turbulent romance. and Perhaps peace?? s/o to anyone who's into this lol#excuse the non-fanfic happening in these tags but also imagining them bonding from bad parents lmao but from two diff perspectives#where marie would stab hers and probly forrests once theyre friends if he was hurt by 'em#but i like imagining forrest on more of a “they sucked but it was a different time & they didnt know better”#with someone specifically like marie replying No fuck them severely#“Oh what? Youre gonna get revenge for me? :) By killing their kid who is me? :)” / “FINE Forrest I just might”#and both of them possibly being musically inclined but lol for diff reasons went on another path. they can Play oh boyo this ship's a treat
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im not sure if you want your ask published bc its pretty personal so ill just reply here.
you explained enough. i understand but thats the reason i have to leave. i cant force you into a role you can never fulfill and i know that. i cant need you for something you cant give me and this is my only way out.
i wish i didnt have to but i have no choice, i cant do this anymore... if all i want from you is attention then thats not a friendship anymore either... we cant even talk for a day... i know what we were in the beginning and i guess i just always hoped we'd go back to that. that we could spend time again (before anything, i started crying right there), play games, get into voice calls (even if its just you writing), maybe get drunk together, fixing your bracelet, just be friends again... but the way things are now i see that that was the abnormal.. and who you are now is better for you... but not better for me and i just dont know how to work with all the times you go. i logically understand them but it still hurts everytime. i suppress my bpd splits every time, every day and its getting so uncomfortable and so exhausting...
i love you too and i wish i couldve stayed i dont even want this (someone else does ig), but i cant. you will never abandon me so i have to leave. maybe one day i can return....idk yet...
#@ 📽️#personal.post#i have my phone on do not disturb so.#id love to unblock you again but if i do that everything just starts anew. -Protector#(“protector”; im (not the one who wrote the post) the one who doesnt want you to stay. i have no connection to you i just see its not#healthy.)#i wish you could be all that too.. but if you never will then what else can i do... i cant let myself get hurt anymore... not like this...#i miss you already i just have to wager rn... do i get hurt every day or do i try to keep whats left of our friendship...#im sorry...#i really wish it was different... but trying to force you into something that you cannot be is even more unhealthy...#we're not angry at you. and this isnt your fault it was just.. inevitable i guess...
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my heart literally dropped when i visited the unsent project, cause i think i found some that were addressed to me
#back on my bs#it really scared me#because i had a persona back then#and i did something really stupid#i ended up hurting my friends#kinda spiraling here#but i was an awful friend to them just because i needed something to escape to#it makes me wonder#do they know that im here now??#i feel awful rn#gdi#i dont know why i cant just learn to leave it in the past and forgive myself#it just feels so huge that i had done that#and it wasn't even anything serious#but i had messed up friendships and whatnot#can't urge anyone enough to not search your name up there cause if you have any regrets and find anything that seems related to it??#you'll think it was for you#and then you'll start feeling guilty yk?#i hate that it's been like 2 years and i still can't get over it#im sorry to all of you guys#even though i had said it probably a million times before i deactivated
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