#im so sorry if someone has done this already

[peekaboobs]

Anyone ever: *says something that’s obvious bullshit*

Jason Todd: *shit eating grin* yeah, and I won my fight with the joker

Everyone: *looks horrified*

[introspectivememories]

was it casual when i sat in your lap in public? was it casual when i said "recently my heart is crying because you're leaving"? was it casual when we decided how your last name would fit with mine? ("yuki tsunoda-gasly" / "no tsunoda, only gasly" / "yuki gasly?") was it casual when we sang adele's "someone like you" together at your going away party? was it casual when i knew it was you just by touching your ass? was it casual when i knew it was you by smell alone? was it casual when "will you miss me?" / "for 2-3 minutes maybe" / "i'll take that. even if it's just 2-3 minutes, i'll take that"? was it casual when that bus was completely empty and we still sat right next to each other, all the way in the back? was it casual when i picked you up multiple times so you could dunk a basketball? was it casual when i begged to come over to your house multiple time and then you finally let me and we cooked fried rice together? was it casual when we played christmas twister together and i said "your big eggplant is touching my ass"? was it casual when we were pressed up against each other on a scooter going two miles per hour? was it casual when-

[harvestmoth]

melia rejuvenation who let you into pokemon masters

[tommygettingwrittenoff]

i just think if roles were reversed and buck was the one saying those gay ass lines to eddie, eddie wouldve proposed like four seasons ago

[talentisntgenius]

Holyshit this new Charli xcx album is crazy

[unar-mage-ddon]

focus group test q&a (and the stuff before it)

i decided to sit down and translate all of 蒼's tweets about the focus group test to have them all in one spot, since i haven't seen them all anywhere. i've also copypasted their exact words in jp so that if anyone who knows more than me wants to double check the wording, you can do that easily (also there's one specific answer that i just don't understand. i got a friend to help me but i left a note on it just in case)!

also excuse the formatting, it's awful but tumblr won't let me do anything on shift-enter'd lines

under a readmore because it's super long:

Lead Planner: Shirokami (白神さん) Character Designer: Yamashita (山下さん) Brand Manager: Aida (間さん) And of course: Nomura (野村さん)

But first, the stuff before the Q&A:

—About Remus: designed by Yamashita; "he's a guy who helps pull Player along, so he's a reliable older brother type" (タレ目 just means drooping eyes) —レムスは山下さんがデザイン。山下さん「プレイヤーを引っ張ってくれるお兄さんなので、頼れるタレ目のお兄さんに」

—The designers check in with Nomura when deciding on characters —野村さんと相談しながらキャラクターを決めていく。

—There are plenty of other characters outside of who's shown in the closed beta, along with other Societies —CBTで出てる以外のキャラもいっぱいいる。結社も他にいっぱいある。

—Aside from Nomura, there are three other character designers —キャラデザのデザイナーは野村さん他3人、みんなでやってる。

—Freya was designed with the image of a cat in mind because she does navigation, and her hair is also designed with that in mind; OP's comment says "so basically Chirithy!" (メッシュ means hair highlights i think??) —フレイヤはある猫ちゃんをイメージ。ナビゲーションしてくれるから。メッシュもその子の柄を意識している。（チ○シィじゃん！）

—About avatar outfit coordination: "The person who designs weapons also designs the outfits" -Nomura —野村さん「武器職人が衣装職人やってる」武器のデザインやってた人がコーデデザイン

—There are a bunch of outfits modeled after different jobs, like Fighter, Hunter, Wizard, Healer, variations of Soldiers, Hunter(again), Black Mage, and White Mage —いくつかジョブをモチーフにしている衣装がある。ファイター、ハンター、ウィザード、ヒーラーは、それぞれ戦士、狩人、黒魔道士、白魔道士をイメージ

—There are also outfits designed to look like Scala civilian wear, like the ones working at the reception desk or the Top Hat outfit. "The order called for 'People from Scala'" -Yamashita —スカラの街の人っぽいデザインも。受付の人やシルクハットのコーデ。山下さん「オーダーが『スカラの街の人』だった」雑、と（笑）

—There's also one that looks like a flower shop owner —お花屋さんっぽいコーデも『スカラの街の人』っぽいデザイン。

—Other job motif outfits that haven't been shown; a Thief design that's predominantly black and green, includes goggles; a Dark Knight that has a sword accessory —ジョブモチーフ衣装、まだ出ていないものも！シーフは黒と緑の衣装、ゴーグルつけてる。暗黒騎士は使えない飾りの剣もついている

—The Red Mage outfit is predominantly black and red, with a cape on left shoulder; "To me it doesn't really look that red, just black" -Nomura —赤魔道士は黒と赤の衣装、左肩のみ肩マントつけてる。野村さん「俺から見ると赤くない、黒い」

—The Dragon Knight outfit is very spiky. The design for the hat is having trouble coming together so just that part is under revision —竜騎士はトゲトゲな衣装。帽子がまだしっくり来ていなくて帽子だけ監修中。

—The designers all have their opinions so there'll be a lot of different clothes —色んなデザイナーが関わっているから色んな服が出る。

——About the Guide Moogle: —Yamashita: They got their own new clothes, too —Nomura: (about the clothes) I was asked if the Guide Moogle could wear those outfits early in development, so that's why you see them in these outfits. Then I was asked if there could be one in each Society, which had to be turned down.* —山下さん「モグちゃんにも新しいお洋服を」 —野村さん「（ガイドモーグリの服について）開発から着せていいですか、って言われたから。結社一つモーグリでもいいですか？って言うから、それはダメだよ、って言った」 *(take this with a huge grain of salt. these two sentences are the most confusing lines i've ever read in my life. i have no idea who's saying what to who. help me)

—There are other Moogle designs too, such as flower shop and cafe employee outfits, and others can wear crowns and top hats; they mostly wear different hats and aprons —モーグリのデザイン、他にもあり！お花屋さん、カフェ店員さん…王冠かぶっていたり、シルクハットかぶっているのも！ほとんど帽子をかぶりエプロンをつけている。めっちゃかわいい。

—Outfit revealed for a character who can't be shown yet, outfit is mostly dark colors; "I can't say if they're an enemy or an ally yet. A name has been decided on, but I can't say that either. They aren't the only one" -Nomura —まだ出しちゃいけないキャラの服も公開！黒い衣装。野村さん「敵か味方かも言えない。名前は決まっているが言えない。…一人じゃない」

—There are subspecies of Behemoths, and one kinda looks a little like leopard print; "The closed beta testers are seeing them more often than their parents' faces" -Nomura, when looking at the Behemoth —亜種もあり。ちょっとヒョウ柄っぽい。 野村さん「（ベヒーモスを見て）CBTやっている人は親の顔より見てる」

—Scala was designed after the image of a main street at night; "It turned into the view of my childhood home…" -Nomura —スカラの街のイメージ資料。大通り（夜）。野村さん「実家と化した…」

——About the Dive Station: —Nomura: It went through a lot of name changes —Nomura: After the first time we showed it on Twitter, people thought maybe it was under construction, but like it was mentioned in the closed beta prologue, it's a place that's no longer in use —Nomura: Something that happened back when the cranes were still in use… You'll understand once the live service starts —野村さん「名前何回か変わった」 —野村さん「（ダイヴステーションについて）Twitterで初めて画像上げた後、建設中かなーと言われたけど、今回のCBTのプロローグでも言っていたように、今はもう使われなくなった場所」 —野村さん「クレーンを使っていた頃の何がしかは…正式サービス開始時にわかる」

—About the scenery of Scala: Since the design is the basis, it's been drawn with care by the same person who did the background scenery for Union Cross; "Everyone is living here now" -Nomura —スカラの全景。デザイン画なのでしっかり描かれている。このデザイン画はUχの背景を描いていた人が描いている。野村さん「皆さんはここに住んでいます」

Now to the actual Q&A section (where Nomura says, "You guys wrote way too many questions"):

—Q: Will Guilds or Friendlists be added? (a lot of this same question) —A: If possible. Stay tuned. —やれたら。お察しください。ご期待ください。

—Q: Is there compatibility with the Apple Watch, like being able to use it in hands-free mode? —A: With the step counter, yes. We'll see what we can do with the hands-free mode. —歩数で連動しています。ハンズフリーは善処します。

—Q: Will other raid bosses like the Guard Armor be added? —A: I can't say for all of them, but yes, there will be more. —全部とは言えないけど、出ます。今後増えます。

—Q: Will we be able to obtain more Keyblades such as Kingdom Key? —A: There will be more Keyblades, but I'm not sure about adding Kingdom Key. —キーブレードの種類は増えます。キングダムチェーンが出るかどうかはわからない。

—Q: Will Pieces have voices or BGM (like some medals did in KHUX)? —A: We're discussing it with Disney since the game is Global. Please be understanding. —ディズニーと相談中。お察しください。グローバルなので。

—Q: Is it possible to rollback a material you've already used? —A: That'd be difficult because of the Strengthening Record. —強化レコードの関係上難しい。

—Q: Will there be more clothing options and/or Pieces? —A: For clothing options, like we revealed earlier, there are ones that haven't been added and ones that we still can't show. They will be added gradually. The rest depends on our effort. —アバターはさっきお見せしたようにまだ出していないもの、そしてまだお見せしていないものもある。順次増える。他は頑張り次第。

—Q: The music is beautiful, so I was wondering if there would be an album release? —A: We still don't have many songs, so that will depend on if service continues. —まだ数曲しかないので、サービスが続けば。

—Q: What are Glow Pieces? —A: Special pieces that shine. Please wait for live service. (laughed at that one ngl) —光ってる特別なピース。正式サービス開始をお待ちください。

—Q: Do you recommend any specific Pieces or skills for battles? —A: (Shirokami) "The King. He can sweep the map in one shot." / (Nomura) "For me, it's Gothel. Though I feel a little bad when everything on the field gets Slow'd." *(edit: i just realized i misread this and it doesn't say "slow," it's "through," but i genuinely have no idea what that even means in the gameplay sense nor have i seen someone use gothel. maybe it takes aggro off of you??) —白神さん「王様。一発で一掃できる」野村さん「俺はゴーテル。みんなフィールドでスルーするからかわいそうだなって」

—Q: Will there be an easier way to save specific colors on clothes when you want to change them to something else temporarily? —A: That's under consideration. —やりやすくするよう改善を検討中です。

—Q: Since you can share raid boss URLs, are there any plans to create an official community? —A: If Disney's alright with it… —ディズニーがよければ…

—Q: If the game can be played at home, then is there a reason for it to be a mobile app? Wouldn't it be better to just make it a console game at that point? —A: (Nomura) "Staff have told me that mobile games nowadays can be made with the same quality as console games, so I thought it'd be worth a try to bring the normal KH experience to mobile. I wanted to use the hardware features that can only be accomplished on a smartphone, so I went with a location-based concept. Console games can accomplish different things. And, well, if we did make a console game that would be a separate thing, while this is its own thing." —A: (Shirokami) "With Party creation, for example, it's more interesting because you're interacting with the people around you and showing them this fun new thing and getting to play it together, which makes it a bit easier for you to expand outside of already existing communities." —A: (Nomura) "Keep joining more and more raids." —野村さん「今のスマホは家庭用のクオリティでできるとスタッフから言われて、じゃあスマホで据え置き並のKHやってみよっかと。ハードの機能を使いたいから位置ゲーに」 —野村さん「家庭用は家庭用で別にやる。まあ、今後家庭用で出してもそれはそれ、これはこれ」 —白神さん「パーティー機能など、リアルの近場の人だからこそ、これ面白いよ、やってみようよ、と既存のコミュニティから飛び出していく内容」 —野村さん「どんどんマルチ入れて」

—Q: What's something that you had the most trouble with during development, but actually ended up working out pretty well? —A: (Shirokami) "Getting the Pad function and the GPS function to coexist. It's hard to set up servers for that." / (Nomura) "Getting the vertical and horizontal orientations to coexist. It's ridiculous. Doing checks on it was even worse." —白神さん「パッド機能とGPS機能の両立。サーバー置いたり大変」 野村さん「縦画面と横画面両立。正気じゃない、狂気。チェックも倍」 縦横画面の両立でメニューなどコントローラーのこと追いついていない。

—Q: If someone disconnects and reconnects during a raid, are they able to continue? —A: Since it's in real-time, they can't continue. —リアルタイムなので継続はできない。

—Q: The miasma is so dark that I can't find the Area Enemy within it. It wasn't that strong during the prototype test. —A: I agree with that, and we tried to fix it after the closed beta started but it wouldn't work. It'll be fixed in the final release. —確かに濃すぎてCBT中に直したかったけど直せなかった。正式リリースでは直します。

—Q: Will there be costumes of characters such as Sora and Riku like there were during KHUX? —A: That kind of thing usually happens because the main producer brings it up… so if they do, then we'll do it. —野村さん「そういうのやるときはプロデューサーが話を持ってきたときだから…プロデューサーがそういう話持ってきたらやる」

—Q: Is there anything specific that you really like and want other people to pay attention to? —A: (Shirokami) "The Lock mode uses a seventh of the battery, so it's great to use to defeat enemies while in the car or on the train." —A: (Yamashita) "The scenery is pretty so please take a look at it. I'd like if you could climb the walls and look down every nook and cranny." —A: (Aida) "GPS games usually have some regional disparity, but this doesn't." —A: (Nomura) "There's a big reason why I wanted to use GPS, but I can't say. People have been speculating about it, right? On social media and whatnot." —白神さん「ロックモードはバッテリー消費7分の1になる。ロックモードは車や電車でも敵を倒せる」 —山下さん「背景が綺麗なので見てほしい。壁を登って隅から隅まで見てほしい」 —間さん「GPSゲーは地方格差あるけどこれはない」 —野村さん「GPSを取り入れようとした大きな理由があるけど、言えない。みんな書きますよね？SNSで」

—Q: I wish it was easier to collect jewels all in one place outside of checking the mail. —A: That will be addressed accordingly. There will be other ways to receive your items besides checking the mail from the Astral Plane. (Nomura: I find it annoying too) —順次対応します。メールがアストラル界以外でも受け取れるようにします。野村さん「僕もこれめんどくさい」

—Q: Will the Pieces be made into figures? —A: (Matsushita, present and in charge of merch) I wanna make them! I'll see what I can do! —イベントに立ち会ったグッズの松下さん「作りたいです！善処します！」

—Q: Can you make parties with the story characters? —A: There will be opportunities in the story to be joined by other characters, like Remus in the prologue. However, there are currently no plans to create parties freely with them. —ストーリー内では今回のレムスのように機会があります。自由に、というのは今のところ考えていない。

—Q: What Disney worlds will be in the game? —A: That's a secret. —秘密。 - They're shown anyway at the end of the Q&A: the player is seeing running through a forest, in a cave, on a shoal, near a beach, and finally Olympus (the only one OP was able to identify) - Disney worlds will work like they always have; they're places you can visit, have their own stories, and you can meet the inhabitants. There's one other thing, but OP can't say what it is - Other descriptions: A large lake? The ocean? Mountains, a moon in the night sky… A townscape from afar that you can see the lights from, and a boat on the wharf (Nomura: The colors were adjusted to get them as close to the original as possible)

—Q: Will there be a way to rewatch cutscenes within the game? —A: We're thinking of a theatre mode. (Nomura: There are people who skip cutscenes because they don't have time to watch them, so to make sure they don't miss out, it'll be added.) —シアターは考えている。野村さん「やってて今見てる時間なくてって飛ばしたい人もいるので、飛ばしたらもう見られないってならないよう、入れてもらいます」

—Q: Will there be time-limited events? —A: Meetings about events have already been arranged, but we can't say anything about the details. —イベントはもう打ち合わせ済み。内容はまだお答えできない。

—Q: How much of the story will be available when service starts? —A: Since there are so many characters, the modelers can't keep up, and aside from that, it's voiced with animated cutscenes. While we're trying to fix up the structure, we don't intend of making it more compact. It'll be about the same as a traditional Kingdom Hearts game. —新キャラばっかりでモデルが追いつかない。声もついてるしムービーも出る。構成見直し中だがコンパクトにする気はない。従来のKHと同じくらい。

About the pacing of story releases: (Nomura) "How many months did it take for KHUX? Nowadays that pacing is unacceptable."

—Q: Will Scala get any bigger? —A: Yes. —広がっていく。

—Q: Who are the staff's favorite characters? —A: Since there have only been two new characters shown so far, this is about Pieces instead. (Nomura: Gothel) —キャラは2人しか出ていないから、ピースを。野村さん「ゴーテル」

—Q: Will cutscenes look like the prologue instead of the text-based cutscenes that KHUX had? —A: If all the cutscenes were on the same level as the prologue, they would take a year to come out, so not all of them will. They'll be more lightweight than the prologue, but they will be voiced. All the cutscenes for the live service release have already been shot. There are very little to no cutscenes that are text-based like the KHUX ones are. —すべてを今回のプロローグレベルにすると出るの一年後になるので、すべてがそうではない。プロローグより軽量になることはあるけど、ボイスは入る。正式リリース時のカットシーン分は撮り終えてる。Uχみたいなテキスト送りイベントになることはよっぽどない。

—Q: Since Freya wears a skirt, are there any outfits that are gender-restricted? —A: (Yamashita) "Outfits are unisex. There's no restriction against what you can wear. Just like how the player can freely change bottoms, this is simply how Freya decided to coordinate her outfit." —山下さん「コーデは男女兼用。男性用、女性用と区別はなく、どちらも着られる。プレイヤーがボトムを変えられるように、フレイヤがそういうコーディネートをしているだけ」

—Q: Are Navigators different from Keyblade wielders? Are there others across the different Societies? —A: They are Keyblade wielders, but they just don't use them. Navigators don't exist in other Societies; Freya is the only one. By the way, you can't select a Society to join like you could with Unions in KHUX, the choice is fixed." —野村さん「キーブレード使い。使わないだけで。ナビゲーターは各結社にそれぞれはいない。フレイヤだけ。ちなみにUχみたいに好きな結社選ぶとかなく、プレイヤーが入る結社は固定」

(scenes in the closed beta are very cut, like with freya suddenly being friends with the player. the conversation with freya as seen in the closed beta is a discarded cut. that conversation will be in the final release, but the cut is different. / CBTのイベントはかなりカットしてる。フレイヤと突然仲間になってる。フレイヤの会話シーンはCBTのみの捨てカット。リリースであの会話はあるが、カットは違う。)

—Q: Is the Guide Moogle part of a Society? —A: We said earlier that they weren't, but maybe just that one is. —先程モーグリ結社はないと言ったが、このモーグリだけはどこか所属するかも。

[maybecoffeemixed]

Is this that WaPeach y'all are talkin' bout?

[britneyshakespeare]

My toxic trait is that I like how my incomplete drawings look better than the finished things

[purpurussy]

.

[crystalkitty1220]

Man I wonder where the leader of the fear realm could've gone, it's alMOST LIKE NEVIN HAS AN

[krysmcscience]

Saw this prompt for incorrect OC quotes and couldn't resist with a bunch of my Breach goobers. Some of them would absolutely say these things word for word in canon if I gave them half the chance to, though. XD

They're in order of when they showed up in person - Qīng, Ghost, Red, Marisol, Shio, Cam, Daruk, Tawoos, and Alondra - as well as some important honorable mentions who have only been mentioned or gotten dialogue - Star, Blake, and Creation.

Star's design is a slight spoiler, I suppose, but it doesn't reveal if they're human or impostor, so it's all good. Creation's "design" also isn't a spoiler at all, because They can look however They want, LOL. As for Shio...some of you who have seen the body horror I've done of them may be wondering why they look so normal here, but I promise there are Reasons. :3c

In other news, will I be making a liar out of Shio in an upcoming Breach canon divergence? ..........Maybe~ >:3c

[misfithive]

BOYFRIENDSSSS/ PARTNERSSS

Idk if this is an unpopular opinion but idc if wilmon ever have a boyfriends convo. Imo they are soulmates and they both know they are soulmates. Someone should just call them boyfriends and the they smile at eachother or orrr idk pls tell me your ideas. As long as its not a cheesy thing. I will only accept Simon asking Wille to be his boyfieeeee ha ha but in my mind i guess they are already partners after Simon said I want to be with you and Wille’s speech so i think they are beyond the boyfriends convo somehow. But people keep mentioning wanting it to happen s3 so i want to know other peoples thoughts. (Sorry for this ramble pls vote and tell me if you think it is important for them to define the relationship or not)

[bioaccumulation]

[dreamteamemojis]

.

[anotheruntitledsong]

i did like the hidden palace but (SPOILER if anyone hasn't read it?) i'm genuinely so annoyed at how Arbeely is handled like... I wish i could be sad but i'm just fucking irritated. I was overly invested in him and that's def why but i just feel like they did him dirty

[britneyshakespeare]

i have been working with kids for four years and i had to write my first ever note just now about a seventh grade boy being inappropriate towards me. i don't know what the hell this could possibly lead to or what. he was trying to feel my legs repeatedly to the point where i had to stop sitting next to him (and i was subbing for his one-to-one para!!!). he's got high support needs. in that kind of job, you're supposed to sit next to them all day and look over their work.

the teacher whose classroom this was happening in could also tell something was wrong. the whole class was acting kinda crazy because it was the day before school vacation week and there was another class coming in to share projects. so like, he was swamped with keeping order already. but we were sitting two feet away from his podium at the front of the room. the kid was giving him and me a hard time when he wouldn't take out his chromebook as he was instructed. and then when he did take out his chromebook, he immediately, for some reason, places it on my lap. he had been ogling my legs the whole time. he puts his computer ON MY LAP. and i'm just like, stunned, because what the hell? can you not keep it on your own lap, for some reason? i don't even know what to say, i just hold it a little above my lap while i'm thinking why on earth would this be happening? he would NOT do this to his regular para if she were here, would he? this can't be normal.

and the teacher sees this and within a minute places a stool in front of the kid for him to put his laptop on. and i'm like. oh ok. yeah. he notices exactly what's happening and that that's not appropriate. and then when the other class comes in to share projects he tells me "miss b——, you don't actually have to sit next to c—— this whole period if you don't want to." and he grabs me a chair for me to go sit with the other paras in the back opposite corner of the room. like he KNEW. and thank you mr. d—— for recognizing that because i was just kind of shocked and didn't know if i was overreacting in my head to all of this.

when there's a point in the class where the kids are discussing stuff, i privately mention what's happened to the para who's sitting closest to me. and she says that the thing about him calling me pretty is something he's been known to do, but the fact that he kept trying to touch my legs is new behavior. and that's a completely different class of behavior. i was telling him NO, don't do that, and he kept doing it. and the fact that he was calling me pretty repeatedly, even when i was giving him instructions that he wasn't taking. and this is the second to last class before the end of the day, so she says she'll take a walk with him before learning center and talk to him about it, and i'm grateful for that. she does. the kid apologizes to me as soon as i come into learning center. but like. WHAT the hell.

i'm STILL like what the hell. this is unfathomable to me. the other adults who i told about this or who witnessed it were supportive of me. but. what to do??? i wrote a long note to his regular para about this, because i knew she was going to hear about it at least from the first para i told. the second para i told about it after school had a kind of... i'm not gonna say enabling reaction, but i suppose since it had already been "taken care of" (or at least, he had been spoken to and apologized) she didn't really have much to add in the way of discipline. i told her what happened after school and she was just like... a little bit, laughing? like oh, yup, that dog. she at the very least confirmed he KNEW what he was doing, that that was not an accident. she said to me "i had a feeling he was going to develop a crush on you" (me and these other paras were together for most of the beginning of the day too). but it's like. it's not about that.

i have worked with children for FOUR years. children have had crushes on me before; i'm quite unfazed by it. boys from the ages of 5-to-15 have told me i'm so pretty before and asked me to marry them. i've never had them feeling up my legs before. i've never had them making me physically uncomfortable. it's NOT about this seventh grader having a crush on the pretty substitute. he is NOT unusual for that, at all. but i've never had a boy of any age or education level repeatedly touching my knees and thighs. THAT is problem behavior!!!

because what if i wasn't assertive enough with him to tell him to stop? what if i was a girl his age? worse, what if i was an adult who encouraged this behavior? i don't come to the middle school to be a seductress. i had no intention in putting on a pair of tights and a skirt this morning of being viewed as an attractive object, especially not by a pubescent boy. what if i did though? what if his interpretation of me wasn't so incorrect and offensive? what if i let him keep touching me inappropriately and saying flirtatious things to me? me, an adult in my mid-twenties, towards a middle school boy?

in no world would that be ok. if i had been feeling up and overly-complimenting a CHILD at my place of work, holy shit would there be reports about me. so a child acting that way could never be ok either. if it'd be firable for me to be reciprocating that action, then that action should not be happening to me. ever. and that child should never repeat that action again to any other adult again.

like i am simply not there to be treated as an attractive young woman. i put on a skirt that shows too much knee and get paired with a boy, though, and that's apparently just a natural consequence. hooo-ly shit. like i don't know what to do. first of all, the more time passes since this has happened, the more i am just unable to stop thinking about it. i wasn't "hurt" or too emotional in the moment but i'm just still processing it and it gets worse. i'm just more and more disgusted.

i don't know what i expect to come out of this, or the email i sent to his regular para. like, am i gonna have to attend a fucking meeting? what is the precedent that this sets for him? WHY do i feel BAD for him about this? well, because he's a child, of course. a child who has done wrong he may not be able to understand. but he knows WHAT he did. he just doesn't know WHY it was wrong.

and i couldn't even say something to him that was like, "well, how would you like it if i was touching you like this?" because young boys do not understand how inappropriate it'd be. i'm sure this kid thought he was gonna get away with what he was doing at the very least. but probably not unlikely he (being a child with no concept of how wrong it'd be) thought he could get some sort of "positive" attention for treating me like this. either way he was simply doing what he wanted to do, with no perspective of how it would make me feel or that it could be classified as harassment. teenage boys think it'd be awesome if the older attractive woman would reciprocate their affections. they're wrong. i, as the older attractive woman of his affection, cannot be the one to convince him of that, though.

i don't know. i don't know. like it's just so not ok. but if i didn't tell another adult about this, he would've gotten away with it. he would probably do it again. and him being in trouble for it is not the same as him understanding that it was wrong. unless someone has a REAL talk with him about inappropriate attention and consent, it's not unlikely that he'll just repeat the behavior in a setting where he thinks he won't be caught or told on. THAT'S the problem. me, i could just never have to be this boy's para again. in my email, i didn't say that i would never be ok working with or around him ever again. he already knows i didn't like it and i'm not afraid to tell on him; as far as that lesson applies to me, individually, i think he's become too ashamed to repeat that.

i don't know. i don't know. i very much expressed that i, i guess, "forgave" him in the email that i wrote. i clarified that i was writing it for the sake of having it on the record. i think that could potentially be very important for the purposes of preventing further similar or escalating behavior from him in the future. i don't want him to be in trouble. i don't think i will be blamed for this, especially not with how promptly i acted, although i don't know to what extent this will be framed as me thinking i'm a "victim." i'm not... i don't feel victimized. i feel disgusted. i feel afraid for the sake of what could happen to or with him in the future, if he thinks behavior like his towards me today is ok.

i feel like if i end up having to further respond to this, this will be made about me. in a way it kind of was. is? in the moment it was happening, it was certainly about me. because i was the one this boy was giving all this unwanted attention to. but to make the consequences of this about me and to involve me any further, i also don't want. because i said what i said already, i don't care if a student has a crush on me. this isn't about me being the pretty substitute. i'm the pretty substitute all the time, to tons of people. that's not really something i've been concerned about up until now.

but do i have to reexplain my personal embarrassment? that i was wearing a skirt? that he was ogling my legs? really? what more do i have to gain from sharing that, other than having the adults at my place of work confirm or deny me in their heads as the pretty substitute? i don't know. perhaps that's REALLY overthinking it. but i don't want to be the substitute that caused a problem for this special ed kid. i don't wanna be the reason that he can't be around me anymore, the person people think of when they're monitoring how he's acting around girls and young women. i DON'T want to be the one people think of when they think of his past misbehavior. i'm NOT here for that.

that's just fucking humiliating. and in this being a thing that could follow him, i have to be ogled and touched over and over again in people's minds for this to be taken seriously. but for this to be swept under the rug would be even worse, no? i don't know. i hate this. the principal is a nice guy; i wouldn't be surprised if he and/or people from the special ed department reached out to me sympathetically about this. but i don't wanna be reached out to. i don't wanna have ppl i work with tell me "sorry that kid was just so attracted to you he couldn't help himself" like come on. if the kid himself doesn't change then i don't really care to remember this incident. and no one reaching out to me and saying they've talked to this kid will actually prove to me he understands. this is the kind of inappropriate behavior it takes years for people to understand why it was wrong, especially a child who has no idea. i mean come on.