#im so so so so grateful ???? crazy

[mxcrayon]

losing my actual mind rn

i had this interaction in the dropout discord (i am the first and third person). short. simple. i only got the first year bc of a discount + a gift card i had, so i was planning on using this person's suggestion.

then, i got this.

oh my god!! how nice!! how sweet!!! how thoughtful!! i gave them my email and they sent over a subscription, i thanked them profusely. i was very grateful, very touched.

hours and hours later i was still thinking about it and i recalled how, in the email id gotten about it, it said "tao yang sent you a subscription" and id seen that and thought "oh haha like the tao yang" and then moved on

but now, thinking back, i was like.... theres no way, so i googled tao yang.

......

TAO YANG BOUGHT ME A FUCKING ANNUAL DROPOUT SUBSCRIPTION

[tianhai03]

didnt have the time to do a full finished drawing, but i tried to keep up with my tradition for redrawing the same good bro day drawing ive done for 3 years already :')

(last year's, which also has links to prev years as well)

[shakingparadigm]

I'll honestly still be mourning the ROUND 6 that we could have had. The first sketches where Ivan and Till are hugging... Ivan with his arm around Till's shoulders.... The friendly teasing...

I fully understand why they had to change it, but it's still sad to think about all that we missed out on.

[suntails]

I’m going to paint you a picture of modern communication, and how it is fundamentally broken.

Let’s look at one friend. You chat pretty much everyday, and mostly talk to this person on twitter and discord, with occasional tumblr DMs. That’s three places you talk. But that’s actually not true, because you also have each other’s priv twitters and talk there as well. That’s four. Now account for, let’s say, one post reply per account per person, in addition to your DMs. That’s eight. But that’s ALSO not true, because not only do you talk in discord DMs with each other, but you’re in a friend group server as well! And you talk in those channels together! That’s nine.

This is one friend.

Now look around you. How many friends, how many mutuals are you in contact with. A few, a handful, a dozen, more? How many accounts per person do you have, how many places can you send each other posts, devolve into separate topics and conversations? How many people text you as well. Friends, family, coworkers? What do you do day to day around catching up, what IRL commitments will rip you away long enough to let the pile build again?

I can’t do it. I cannot live an actual life in the real world and balance this much interaction, it’s crushing. I reply to a friend’s post because I’m interested in the subject, I want to have a discussion! I WANT to talk about it with them, but I immediately kick myself for adding another conversation to the pile. Day by day, I ignore messages for hours on end and watch mountains pile around me, to reply en masse at the end of the night to let the cycle repeat. I wake up to six discord DMs and as I clear the third, the first replies back again.

We weren’t meant to have thirty simultaneous conversations. We weren’t. And you know in your bones that the number isn’t an exaggeration.

[ride-thedragon]

How I'd Write Rhaena Targaryen in Hotd.

(as someone who wanted to see her plot adapted)

I keep seeing people saying Rhaena fans will be excited for the rumoured change she will experience this season.

Spoiler here

I won't speak on that here without a spoiler warning because I want this to be about her book character and my hope as to how she would've been adapted this season. I wanted to see Rhaena Targaryen as played by Phoebe Campbell and adapted to the world of Hotd, and so far, I haven't. These are the issues I've had so far:

1. Mourning Luke.

The reason we don't have a scene about her and Luceryes after he dies in my opinion is because seeing as they send her off in episode 3 it would make Rhaenyra look odd to not grieve her son at the same time as his fiance. But respectfully, I don't care. We deserved dialogue about the loss she felt. It's a serious issue where her grief and reactions past Laena are overlooked entirely.

Even following her arc this season of feeling resentful, have her feel blamed for not claiming Vhagar, for bring engaged to Luke. Anything to give us that connection.

2. Her reaction to Rhaenyra.

I found it to be really well done the brewing anger with Rhaena then. She seemed like a child fighting for some agency for someone to consider her, and she's met with Rhaenyra’s fatal flaw of refusing to acknowledge and give validity to her children's emotions. I didn't like how the dragon eggs were meant to operate as a catch-all in the narrative so we don't make Rhaenyra look too bad. It was a great attempt and one that I was shocked by because Rhaenyra is wrong.

3. Give her Morning.

If Rhaena nearly died last time she tried to claim a dragon, why not give her her book egg and future dragon before she leaves. This was another failing of the egg scene for me. Not only would adding that pink egg give some mystery to the audience, we would have book lore. Even let Rhaenyra apologise for her original approach and give Rhaena the egg personally, not as a beacon of hope for the house alone but for herself. It's an easy moment that plays into the book narrative better. For those unaware, the eggs were Dany's 3 eggs plus Viserys'.

4. Jeyne Arryn.

No, I did love the they were both angry but not ill mannered. They are talking out of anger and mutual frustration, and by the end, they have a shared interest. My issue is that this is the scene Rhaena finds out about Rhaenys dying and that she isn't with her very young brothers. She deserved another scene later on.

5. Baela

I love that they spoke together and that they addressed actual issues, that's it. I don't like that they don't have more, and that Rhaenys could be with Rhaenyra but not her grandchildren. I wish we got that dynamic.

Moving on to my part, how I'd reconstruct her arc for the season:

Episode 1

1. We let her be the character carrying the emotional weight of losing Luke. They seemed close enough to make it work and were supposed to be married. She carries it past episode 1. She throws something into the fire as well, like a model ship of some kind, or what can be seen as a token she meant to give him when she returned.

Episode 2

2. We give her and Jace a scene. This is like a huge missed opportunity. Unlike Baela, they grew up alongside Luke. Have them discuss the grief and talk about what Jeyne Arryn demanded. That way, it's exercised as an expectation amount to the house that someone will have to go away. Let them talk about who they think is the best option. These are two kids, but they are also supposed to be two politically driven characters, give them that moment.

3. Then we have Rhaenys be the one to tell her that she will go. Rhaenyra seemed so heartless in that scene to me because it wasn't her scene. Rhaena was dismissed and pushed over to fulfil that role when they could have her grandmother tell her. They have the Laena connection. They have the care of her growing up too fast and them needing her to go away. They get to say goodbye in their own way because Rhaenys wouldn't be callous with her, she'd be comforting but tell her to be strong.

Episode 3

4. Baela Scene. Let this be the resentment scene, and allow them to confide in each other. Have baela remind her that unlike the shows chosen narrative, both their parents are dragon claimer who claimed their own dragons late in life. Have Rhaena bring up the fact that she failed last time and let them comfort each other. Hell, let them have a Daemon conversation.

5. Now we can have that scene with Rhaenyra. Let it be a combination of their two conversations where she gives Rhaena the eggs by herself. Tell her it's a great service and have Rhaena still lash out because she doesn't want to do it, because it's something being forced unto her. But have Rhaenyra give her the eggs personally, explain the story of the Conquerors and the dragon eggs of the any let her tell Rhaena she will carry that legacy. Because of all people, Rhaenyra knows what it's like to not be taken seriously and be underestimated in a position. It doesn't have to be courteous, but it also shouldn't be as angry due to Rhaenys.

Episode 4.

Let this be the episode she leaves.

6. She gets to say goodbye to everyone while the plot is unfolding, and Rhaenyra is nowhere to be found. Let Rhaenys, Jace, and Baela send them off to Jeyne Arryn and have their final goodbyes as the eggs go past her. She's scared but she knows what she has to do.

7. She is received in the Vale, not by Jeyne but by some of her banner men who are confused about the dragons. She's holding one of the boys and scolds them for questioning her. And they go off.

Episode 5.

8. Jeyne Arryn conflict. Jeyne expected more dragons, Rhaena asserts herself, and they have a brief heart to heart.

9. Set a scene later in the day to let Rhaena know that Rhaenys is dead and killed by Vhagar. Guilt fester yet again, and Jeyne gives her some advice about that relating it to Rhea because that's her cousin or something.

Episode 6.

I have no idea where the show will be but what I can say is how I'd write her arc from this point in my canon and adaptation

10. Rhaena takes up training Joffrey and Tyraxes, she's comforting him because he misses home but continues her work, she has to prove something to herself and Jeyne.

11. Have her question Jeyne about the men she promised to send, great time to introduce Corwyn. Show her trying to find her footing in the political conversation and win.

12. A scene later on with her and all the boys and Jessamyn Redfort makes an appearance. Tells Rhaena Jeyne is impressed by her audacity if nothing else and let her be a kinder alternative to her partner. (I will not erase lesbians)

Episode 7.

13. Small conflict in the Vale with raising banners because Jeyne actually has a lot of people who have issues with her. Rhaena sees how she uses her discerning to work it out while people attempt to undermine her, and we see Rhaena looking to her for leadership.

14. Rhaena picks up the eggs and starts to show that she is tending to them herself in the hot basket things, that she's made it her personal mission to get one to hatch. We also see her send the letter to the Prince of Pentos.

Episode 8.

15. Jeyne gets the Vale men to rise in a smaller number than promised but a large enough one to send. She checks with Rhaena, and we get our first Corwyn and Rhaena interaction with his two girls. Rhaena had grown a bit in confidence. She's taking her role as seriously as ever.

16. She sees back and gets a letter of acceptance from the prince and a warning from Rhaenyra. Basically, they have to hide the fact that the boys are princes and send them off by themselves.

Why? Vhagar has been seen in the Riverlands, and they have no idea where she's heading past Harrenhall. Whether they send the boys off or not can depend, but I think not yet. Let Rhaena take it into her own hands and plan accordingly. The way Jace does in the books.

And that's the way the season ends. The march to the battle from the perspective of Rhaena Targaryen. Happy tidings, and let's see how well (or not) they land with her character.

[flovoid]

WTH. SINCE WHEN I REACHED 1K FOLLOWERS IN SIMBLR WHAT-

[crescentfool]

me when rockagilly blues has a 25% chance of playing compared to literally every other song in the game

[lupins-hehim-pussy]

I wanna know ur Fontaine msq criticisms 👁️👁️👂I’m all ears

I'm not sure if you wanted me to talk about this secretly or publicly but! Here I go!

The TLDR: Fontaine MSQ aestheticised prison, poverty, child abuse, the justice system/court and didn't properly address any of it.

More:

Focalors/Furina has way too much of a sympathetic angle for a dictator who's lets people drown with her inaction.

Neuvillette feels Bad for sentencing some people to death/prison, but that's it. He's one of the most powerful people in Fontaine. If he felt like there are systemic injustices, I.E sending an abused Child to prison, he should be the first person to DO something about it, not just cry and be sad so the audience can be like aw, that's complex character writing isn't it? No it's not! And guilt doesn't absolve you!!!!!!! (These are stuff we deal with in OTCOJ read my fic now /j)

Meropide has children in it, both Sentenced there (Wriothesley) and BORN THERE (Lanoire), and this is just a quirk of the place. Not only that, Meropide accepts prisoners of all genders and crimes. There are abusers and abuse victims in one place. Do you know how bad that is? How much potential for crimes to happen in a place like that— oh wait, Meropide isn't under Fontaine's jurisdiction. If you are assaulted as an inmate it literally means nothing to the court.

Wriothesley had no qualifications when he took over. Depending on how long he lived on the streets, how old he was when he killed his parents, how old he was when he was first taken in by the orphanage, etc, the man might never have more than 4–5 years of formal education. Sigewinne probably had to teach him how to write reports. And do Meropide's spreadsheets. Edit because I forgot to elaborate on this one: This isn't a point brought up anywhere, which is bad, because when poverty and incarceration robs you of a proper education (and the rights to vote in many places too, too, by the way), it reduces your prospects for jobs, reduces many people's ability to get a home etc etc. Wriothesley was just, narratively, Given his position.

Meropide is an industrialized prison, and they portray this as a good thing. Prisoners are paid in coupons for their labour, and this is also portrayed as a good thing.

The One-Meal-A-Day reform was something Paimon gushed about being so great of a perk, that people might want to go to jail for food (could be interesting and reflective of systemic poverty if MHY had brains, but they don't, so I was just Pissed because essentially all Paimon wanted to say was "Prison isn't so bad, but still don't go to prison guys! Prison labour is really hard!"). By the way, in most real-world prisons they are obligated to feed you three meals a day. Because that's how much food a human needs. MHY went with one meal just so they can say "if you want to eat more, you have to work." And then the welfare meal is a goddamn gacha. So imagine you're a starving child who's too weak to work in the fucking robot assembly line, and you wander up for your first meal in 24 hours, only to luck in with a shit one. I'd kill myself.

They wrote Wriothesley, who's a victim of the system, into a guy who's say shit like "I'm the Duke I can do whatever I want" for a cool moment where he choke-slams an inmate (I know he was a bad guy. But also, in copaganda when cops are violent/disregarding protocols, they are always only portrayed to do that against bad guys, so what does our critical thinking tells us about this one?) They wrote Wriothesley, who was an inmate of a prison so bad, so notorious that it is the literal boogeyman of Fontaine, that has a legal (???) fighting pit, with an administrator who abuses his position to be unreasonable, to willingly stay in the place and become an Administrator who would choke-slam an inmate while saying a cool line about how he has the power to do whatever he wants. They wrote him, the guy who had to be fed on the streets by melusines, to think one-meal-a-day was a good enough reform (while he spends god-knows how much on his boat). This wasn't a victim-turns-into-abuser narrative either, they want all this to be seen as positive character growth.

And then, the final kicker is, they gloss over his entire abuse. You can only read about these shit in his profile, which most people don't because they don't Have Him or doesn't care to unlock it/read it online, and they jammed his entire backstory into a flaccid info-dump at the end of his character story quest. This man isn't Allowed to feel abused and neglected and show any reaction to it within the narrative of Fontaine itself, because if they actually Gave Weight to what happened to him, they'd have to confront THE FUCKING JUSTICE SYSTEM they had NO PLANS on criticising. I don't think they ever explicitly said the fucking Crime-Theatre nonsense was Bad either.

I could go on, but this is already so long. But yeah, I hope this gave you an idea.

[andrrrgynous]

hello again tumblr ive seen bikini kill, mannequin pussy, cherry glazerr, amyl and the sniffers, lambrini girls, ratboys and a few of my fav dutch bands all in the span of 4 days and i now have bruised ribs, a sore throat and blisters on my feet but life is so worth living again <3

[etherealspacejelly]

is it bad that im considering making a spreadsheet or smth to keep track of my mutuals

there are so many of you and i never know who ive spoken to when 😭😭😭

[polarmoon]

so i'm not sure what the actual day is, but for years i've been celebrating june 10th as my simblrversary and this one's a big one.... 10 years!! which is crazy to think about!!

i started my blog in 2014 when i was 16, and here i am now at 26. like that's so much of my conscious existence... i cant even imagine being that young but it also feels like just yesterday when i started posting my first gameplay and celebrating 2 notes on a post and making my first mutuals here.

anyway im very grateful for this community because it gave me so much confidence and support through my most difficult years. i'd never take it back :)

[kalofi]

shoutout to all my followers who have been here since my bnha days i was 15 then im 20 now yall have truly seen me grow with my art throughout the years and stuck with me that whole time…absolutely insane i love you guys. cousins on our tumblr side

[m0e-ru]

can we give a big shoutout for today where the gas station attendant social link au was born and everything in my life has been nothing but tunnel vision for my baby who is currently attending preschool ⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️

[briankinneygivesashit]

[crescentfool]

i love ryomina

no but seriously. even when i’m thinking about other things that captivate my interest, i find myself coming back to them and feeling like i fell down three whole flights of staircases every time i do. they are one of my favorite pairs in media and are very special to me.

it’s the way that ryoji and minato’s lives are inevitably intertwined with each other due to the circumstances 10 years ago on the moonlight bridge. without no minato, there is no ryoji. minato as he is today is because of ryoji. they have irreparably affected each other’s lives that you cannot discuss one without bringing up the other one.

ryoji mochizuki, who is death, pharos, thanatos, nyx avatar, the man of many names and identities, is the perfect summation of p3′s messages and themes.

minato arisato, the wildcard and protagonist, who has boundless kindness in his actions despite the unfortunate cards handed to him.

the two of them complement each other and tell a beautiful story from start to finish.

minato’s personas capture this perfectly. he awakens to orpheus, who’s flames burns bright, is snuffed out by thanatos during the encounter against the arcana magician. a visual precursor of the idea that ryoji stole from the life that minato could have had.

it’s the way that over the course of the game as minato interacts with pharos, talking throughout the dark hour, forging a bond that cannot be broken, that allows ryoji to exist. minato humanizes death.

november. the bells toll, calling the appriser. and yet, it’s peaceful... quiet, and full of life. ryoji, who breaks free from death’s chains, refusing his role, is given the chance to live for a month. to make the most of the humanity that minato has given him over those ten years. and what a life he lived. ryoji’s life is a reflection of what minato’s life could have been like in another universe.

it is the way the two of them are reflections of each other. ryoji with his hair down is just like minato. they are both stubbornly committed to choosing to be kind, to love life, yet are chained down by the cards the narrative dealt them with. they finish each other’s sentences, knowing each other intimately in a way no one else does.

how is that, a boy who lived for only one month, profoundly changes the course of the narrative? he is simultaneously relevant and irrelevant. blink, and you miss it, the beautiful life that he led.

ryoji is horrified at the revelations of being the appriser. he who so desperately wished to forget that his existence was meant to bring the end to all life, was unable to escape the inevitability of death. in a non-human way, of course. he becomes remorseful. a shadow of his brief time as a human who was enamored by the small beautiful things that life had to offer.

he is swallowed by grief. grief knowing that his very existence will take away not only minato’s life, but everyone else’s. the very thing that ryoji loved- life, fundamentally went against the role he was born for- to be the harbinger of death. and unable to grapple with this sadness he believes that the best thing for minato to do is to kill him, so that SEES can live in bliss not knowing about their inevitable end.

SEES is left rattled, calling into question what the meaning of life is and what they do when faced against the inevitability of death.

and!!! minato chooses!! for ryoji to live!! even in spite of what ryoji is MEANT to embody, minato still stubbornly chooses to defy death itself! and if that’s not cool i don’t know what is!! minato wants everyone to have the chance to live!!

so he climbs. he ascends tartarus, to meet ryoji, again, who is now the nyx avatar. and i just think there’s something so so beautiful about being able to use messiah, minato’s ultimate persona, against nyx avatar.

messiah, being the fusion of orpheus and thanatos is peak ryomina to me. because ryoji and minato have established an unbreakable bond from having been entwined for 10 years, minato still has a piece of death with him, and by proxy!! ryoji is able to defy and rebel against nyx trying to bring the fall! and i think that’s fucking cool shit if you ask me!

even when all of the arcanas have been gone through, it’s still not enough to stop the fall. and yet. minato knows. in the way that ryoji was sealed in minato 10 years ago by aigis... minato becomes the great seal so that everyone can live. it comes full circle.

march rolls around. he fulfills his promise to SEES on graduation day. minato dies from exhaustion. but goddamn does his sacrifice make me weep- he’s had such, such a tiring journey. he’s been through so many things because he was at the wrong place at the wrong time. but at the end of it all, he’s reunited with ryoji in death.

and i think this is why ryomina continues to evoke so much emotions for me, to this day. the relationship that they have embodies so much of persona 3′s messages and themes that it makes me feel like a microwave with nothing running in it.

p3′s message is very hopeful, for me. my favorite takeaway from it is that even if death is inevitable, appreciating the life that we were given and choosing to live as best as we can with kindness (even if we can’t feasibly do everything), is just? really nice? and you see this manifest in both ryoji and minato’s personalities and what they do for the other characters.

ryomina just feels so distinct to me, the flavor that their relationship ties back to my favorite takeaways from this game and im just!!  god!! i love you minato arisato! i love you ryoji mochizuki! im so glad that i could meet them! i’m happy that they changed my life! they made me want to appreciate the connections in life even if they were fleeting! they made me!! want to pay attention to the good moments in life and cherish them!

i love ryomina so much!!! i’m so glad that these two could bring so much joy into my life! and i hope that others can have this joy too! 💛💙

[everythingsinred]

heyy hello my natsumika expert, I wanted to ask you a question. I read the manga a long time ago and I didn't understand the translations very well at the time but now rereading it I'm realizing that Mikan was technically the first to confess (? In that chapter where they exchange bodies with their other classmates and Mikan handcuffs Natsume thinking that he was Bear, she vents to him and tells him her thoughts about Natsume and I think at one point she tells him that sometimes she thinks that she likes Natsume ( I don't know, the translation is really very confusing but I think in the end she made it clear that she had feelings for him and I wonder if this is what makes Natsume feel more confident about publicly confessing to her in front of everyone like that or what do you think? I'm very confused

Hi! I graciously accept the title of NM expert <3

I really don't blame you for struggling with the translations. Honestly, for a very long time, I only half understood what was going on in some chapters when the scans weren't the best quality and I am extremely fortunate to have 15 volumes of the TokyoPop English translation that make things a bit more clear. I also think things become a bit more clear to me with each reread, which is why I find rereading up to a certain point so fun!

To answer your question in short: yes and no and yes and no and yes and no. Mikan did and didn't confess first. That might be confusing, but lemme explain. This might get long-winded and unnecessarily convoluted, but here we go...

Short answer: Mikan did and didn't confess first but the confessions are minimally important and I don't think this potential confession changed or affected Natsume's later confession.

I talked about this throughout out my NM: Mikan essay, but Mikan is incredibly evasive regarding her feelings for Natsume in particular. This is interesting because of how vocally affectionate she is with Hotaru and Narumi and Tsubasa. Mikan is physically affectionate with friends, and loves to tell them that she loves them. Natsume stands as a unique exception to this because the love she has for him is just different. Frequently she might say "Natsume and everyone" or "my friends and Natsume" because Natsume is not a friend; he is in an entirely singular category that Mikan does not want to name, even when she does realize it.

So for a tortuously lengthy amount of the manga's run, Mikan will talk about her feelings for Natsume through the veil of everyone or people. "Saying PEOPLE'S names" or "everyone is worried." Mikan distances herself from her affection for Natsume by (even in her own thoughts) claiming that her feelings are universal, or a group opinion and not her own. Natsume has been gone for a while? Mikan will claim that everyone's been wondering where he is even though, pointedly, she is the only one asking about it. Natsume has been ignoring her lately? He's ignoring everyone, even though the only person he is dismissing is her.

Again, I do say this in the essay so I hope I'm not beating a dead horse here but Mikan avoids her feelings for Natsume in this way for a couple of reasons:

1. Their relationship begins as a hostile one and it becomes more openly friendly over the course of the manga in a really subtle way. Unless you're tracking it carefully like I do, it might not be easy to point a finger on when things change or shift. When did Natsume go from an enemy to a cool guy she likes hanging out with? When did he go from the absolute worst to someone who makes her cloudy sky go away? This gradual shift in the very nature of their bond complicates her feelings and makes her thoughts about him less fully positive or fully negative.

2. MOST IMPORTANTLY, Natsume has been at threat of "leaving" Mikan since the beginning of their relationship and she has been living in constant anxiety of that threat ever since. In some way, Mikan is cognizant vaguely of the fact that Natsume is not going to stick around because he is sick, reckless, and under constant threat by the school. More than anyone else, Mikan wants to protect him because he's the one person who most NEEDS her protection. As a result, fully admitting how much he means to her means acknowledging how much she would lose when he finally does leave her (and just as we expect, when he does leave her, she is DEVASTATED, something she knew she would be all along).

So, having made that aspect of Mikan's feelings clear, let's get into that chapter, (Chapter 91).

Mikan, thinking she's talking to Bear in Natsume's body, even though it really is just Natsume, talks about how Natsume's been worrying her lately by distancing himself from everyone in class, so she thinks maybe he might leave her. She notes that she isn't sure whether or not he likes her, and that's alluding to something pretty important:

My first "no" to this question is because Natsume confessed to Mikan during the Sports Festival Arc, during the Borrowing Race in 84. He does this with a mask on, assuming someone else's identity, and then when he's almost caught, Luna cleans up his mess by affirming he was with her at the time. However, Mikan is able to ascertain that Natsume is the one who did borrowed her, and since the mind-readers gave him full points before he was disqualified, she knows it was a genuine love confession.

Thus, in some way, he confessed first. And yet Mikan still doesn't fully trust his feelings now because of his current behavior, that she doesn't understand what he's doing and is worried that he will abandon her (die). She doesn't say she loves him here, in 91, but I think she alludes to it in her own repressed flavor, so in a way she is also confessing, thus, my first "yes" answer.

But neither of these confessions really achieves anything. Natsume and Mikan continue to be evasive and weird about their feelings and are incredibly indirect at every opportunity. Yes, maybe Natsume confesses "first," but he does it with a mask on with full intention of her NEVER figuring it out. I mean, considering that Natsume doesn't really ever know for sure that Mikan did indeed figure it out, counting it as a confession seems weak. We might as well count their Christmas kiss, where he releases affection in yet another indirect way, or when he snuggles her when they sleep together. His confession was not intended to really let her know he loved her, but rather to assuage the constant guilt and dissatisfaction he feels from repressing his love all the time.

And then we have Mikan's, where she once again and like always hides behind "us" and "people" and "everyone," making it indirect like Natsume's. It might be fair to assume that they both are aware that the other has feelings for them, but that's not really the problem. They're not together, not because they don't love each other, but because 1. Mikan is TERRIFIED of losing him, and 2. Natsume is TERRIFIED of hurting her.

I read an older fanfic recently and had to abandon it actually because it was canon-verse, in which Natsume refuses to accept that he loves Mikan even though EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WHOLE WORLD can see it. I think this characterization is kind of tired, to me, because it fundamentally misunderstands their canon romantic conflict as being one of miscommunication and ships in the night. They cannot acknowledge their feelings, or they can't spit it out, or that Natsume is embarrassed of his feelings, or that they keep falling into love triangle trappings--they tend to miss the real problem. Natsume is the "brooding bad boy" who refuses to acknowledge that he loves the stupid sunshine girl, and thus he ends up looking more emotionally immature than her, more repressed and stuffy, more interested in keeping up a macho image, in many fanfics.

But... that's not actually the case. Natsume knows pretty instantly that he loves Mikan, and fully accepts it, as soon as it happens. The lack of communication of those feelings is only minimally if at all about reciprocation or courtship or about how embarrassing it is to love Mikan and more than anything about the danger it puts Mikan in for Natsume to love her and the fact that he has no future to offer her.

Natsume's sickness is the basis for everything: why Natsume's confession is indirect and why Mikan's confession hides behind a group. The real unspoken element in this conversation is less about their feelings and more about the fact that Natsume is going to die very young.

I mean, lets track the confessions in this story, by the actual use of the words "love" or "like" or the conventions of love in the alice world:

Mikan is technically the first to give Natsume her alice stone and even though she denies the tie to the legend, that's a cover-up. Whether Mikan acknowledges it or not, that was a sign of her affections, one that he immediately returns, though anonymously. Thus, this first alice-stone exchange of theirs is a mutual confession of feelings and yet because they are both hiding their intentions, nothing changes. (Another "yes" to your question, because Mikan initiates this exchange.) (72)

Natsume confesses his feelings through the Borrowing Race with a mask on and an alibi supplied by Luna, like we discussed. Though Mikan figures it out really quickly, this is indirect and anonymous (84).

Mikan tries to talk about her feelings for Natsume and Natsume's feelings for her, through indirect language and hiding behind "everyone" and she thinks she's talking to Bear, and thus another indirect confession (91).

Natsume declares to the ESP and the DA class that he will protect Mikan at any cost because he loves her. He is not talking to Mikan even though she's in the room. It really doesn't feel like the goal is to inform Mikan, but to inform the adversaries that his feelings are so strong that they shouldn't underestimate him (97).

When they are being separated, and Mikan is about to leave for probably forever and--because Natsume is confirmed to be dying--she will likely never see him again, Mikan confesses to loving Natsume telepathically, something that devastates both of them (134).

Christmas... Mikan confesses her love to Natsume as her Christmas present to Natsume and he responds in kind. This is the first time either of them says it directly to the other without hiding behind pretense (144).

Actually, on Christmas, Mikan is the first to say the words "I love you" directly to Natsume, and thus she is--just as you said--the first to really confess. I'm sure there's more little moments of a similar but less apparent flavor to these, but I think I made my point. You see why this is a complicated question to answer?

I do think, in a couple ways, Mikan was first. I also think, even if none of the confessions counted before 97, that the unspoken feelings were somewhat felt by both before they were said out loud.

But to answer your second question: no, I don't think Mikan's feelings had any bearing on Natsume's confession in 97. Basically, Natsume's lack of confession before had nothing to do with reciprocation. He says in 51 that he had no intention of "winning" anyway, and his actions are of a boy who has already given up. Whether Mikan feels the same or not is irrelevant. His love for her is almost entirely selfless in nature; he is someone who believes that love is sacrifice and thus the best way he can think of to show someone he loves them is by giving up his own happiness or even his own life for them. I think Natsume would have confessed in 97 regardless of whether or not Mikan hinted to her own feelings and let me explain a little why I think so.

Natsume does not think Mikan really understands love the way he does. He underestimates her love for him, thinks of it as something that can change or fade or be given to someone else. He even considers that it might turn to hatred, but his love is unchangeable and fixed. Whatever feelings she has are really not, in his opinion, in the same league as his. Yes, this might be somewhat condescending but it is really just entirely self-deprecating.

Like I said earlier, Natsume's conflict is not about accepting his love for Mikan or even the idea of reciprocation, it's about the fact that he has no future to offer and because loving her openly would put her in danger. This conflict reaches an infuriating impasse during the Sports Festival Arc, but it reaches a fever pitch here. In the context of Chapter 97, Mikan is about to be forcibly placed in the DA class, which is pretty much the worst case scenario for Natsume. All of his actions so far have been in the effort of protecting her and if she is in the DA class, then it's all been for nothing. He has nothing to gain anymore by obeying the ESP or Persona and so he doesn't. His confession is less about telling Mikan and more about rebelling against these powers. His love for her is so strong that they no longer have power over him. They cannot control him anymore if their orders would put Mikan in danger as they have. Whether or not Mikan hears it is unimportant.

But in regards to Mikan and her hearing it and whether or not she reciprocates: it doesn't matter to him. Natsume is not in this for reciprocity or to get a girlfriend. His goal is only to protect Mikan. That is all. If Mikan ends up with Ruka or Hotaru or friggin Nonoko makes no real difference to him, as long as she is safe and happy. Would he be happy with that? No, but Natsume's happiness is not important to him, and is in fact the last priority on his list. Mikan could be cruel and spiteful and tell him this whole night that she hates him and his goals would not change. He would still dedicate everything he has to protecting her and he would probably still tell the whole room he loves her.

So in short, Natsume's confession that night was more of a "letting you know" resignation letter to the ESP and Persona than a real bona fide confession to Mikan. I mean, that same night, Hotaru and Ruka also confess but with, like, real direct words.

But this just further goes into my idea that their conflict and the reason why it takes them so long to get together is more about Natsume's life-shortening alice than anything else, even before Mikan knows for sure that he has it. Does Mikan struggle with accepting her feelings? Sure. Does Natsume hide his affections because of Persona for a pretty long time? Definitely. But the actual through line here is Natsume not having a future and both of them knowing that.

They both skirt around their feelings for a pretty long time and then they're both proven right. Their love IS devastating. It IS short-lived (they're only really together for one night). There IS no real future. He DOES leave her. He DOES end up hurting her. But it being so short-lived inspires not just justification of them avoiding the confessions, but also frustration that they didn't confess earlier--because if they had, maybe they would've been able to spend more time together. If they had, maybe Mikan would have had more time to convince Natsume his life had value outside of sacrifice. If they had, maybe things wouldn't have ended so tragically. But therein lies the issue: there is no way that would have ever happened.

They are starcrossed lovers, doomed by the narrative and they were always going to end the way they did. It's one of the most beautifully written parts of Gakuen Alice, and in my opinion is the beating heart of the story. starpeace on tumblr's quote fits this pretty well:

"i love when tragedies are like 'the love was there. it didnt change anything. it didnt save anyone. there were just too many forces against it. but it still matters that the love was there'”

After all, canonically, Mikan cannot save Natsume. Her love for him and his love for her are ineffective in action. They do not save each other despite their best efforts. It ended just as disastrously as they both feared it would, and yet they both eventually made the choice to pursue it anyway, to taste it, even if it was never going to last.