#im so selfish i should feel happy for them but im so jealous and insecure and i really dont think im gonna get into uni

[bisexualastronaut]

.

[yuukei-yikes]

why do you hate the 2nd manga route?

WHOA WHOA HEY HEY HEY WHOA HWOA WHOA WHOA HEY HEY MAN LETS TALK ABOTU THIS HEY HEY WHOIA *acts like im being robbed*

i DONT HATE THE SECOND MANGA ROUTE I DONT I DONT I DONT i really dont. the more i deny it the more it seems im lying but i truly dont hate it LOL its just..... VERY different from the regular routes and im. very. particular. about things changing from what i am used to. my friends keep linking me to something called the autism test but dont worry about it

and while i was reading and seeing the story i am so, so used to and SO, SO obsessed with be so different i was very. not super happy about it. after noticing it was some sort of origin story i kinda started liking it though. i keep saying shit like skip it and etc because i wouldnt call it beginner friendly likeee i rly would place this route as the LAST kagepro thing to consume out of everything else lmao NOT BECAUSE I DISLIKE IT but bc like A LOT FUCKING HAPPENS its so difficult to keep up with it and also i read it once and it was a while ago so. idk i might be misremembering and it might not be that confusing but nah im pretty sure anyone can agree with me. it differs a lot and its like a lot happening

.......BUT. there IS one thing. i do fucking hate. like truly truly hate. and makes me just be like eugh to the whole route because they just DONT. GET. SOMEONE RIGHT. AND IT MAKES ME SO FUCKING. INSANE. yes baby. im gonna talk about harutaka. more particularly takane. lost days happens to be the only bit of second manga route ive reread a few times too and i have very. very. very strong feelings about it. UNDER THE CUT THOUGH. IM NOT SO EVIL TO MAKE U SCROLL THRU IT <3

(warning spoilers for second manga route lol also lots of swearing and me being. honestly an annoying person. dont take my yelling to heart please i am just very passionate) (and when i say you or call u stupid i do not mean you as like the person sending the ask or anyone reading. imagine im talking to a wall i just need to get my feelings out)

TAKANE WOULD NOT FUCKING KILL HERSELF IF HARUKA DIED YOU IDIOT PIECE OF SHIT IM GOING TO RIP ALL MY HAIR OUT I FUCKING HATE THIS SOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH AND ALSO IDIOT THEY WOULD NOT JUST NOT SEE HARUKA BC SHE'S LIKE OMG HE HAS ANOTHER FRIEND BWAAAH BWAAAAH ARE U STUUUUUPID ARE YOU STUPID ARE YOU ACTUALLY STUPID INSIDE OF UR HEAD.

everyone: omg vinnie u must be so happy with the harutaka in second manga route they reunite theyre so cute

me: *throws up inside a bag*

ok. let me make exactly 3 points.

1. haruka and shintaro become bffs4ever in the regular route too. haruka and takane are friends BEFORE haruka and shintaro become close in the regular route too. haruka and takane meet secluded, just the 2 of them with only each other, BEFORE haruka and shintaro become close in the regular route too. there is. absolutely no fucking reason for this takane to just be THAT insecure about haruka having a new friend. like absolutely none. what is the reason. that she's not in the hospital anymore? that she doesnt meet shintaro alongside haruka? that ayano isnt in the picture? none of these things should MATTER to make that big of a change. the only thing i can imagine is the fact takane sort of has to leave the setting where he's usually at arms reach to haruka and she felt replaced? but that's like such a reach and it MAKES NO SENSE. AND SHE WOULD NOT DO IT. TAKANE WOULD WALK IN THERE WITH ITS SILLY LITTLE GIFT BAG and even if they did get jealous/feel insecure, he'd do it AFTER FUCKING WALKING IN AND VISITING HARUKA. real takane would NOT LET ANYTHING come between them and seeing haruka. u are sick in ur head and its WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. takane would be happy haruka has a new friend even if she doesnt like shintaro. her "selfishness" as they'd call it to see haruka would be stronger than any kind of "waaa im no good for him he has another friend i better leave then he HATES me" girl no lmao takane's desire to be by haruka's side will always be stronger than any insecurity. this is fundamental to the whole fucking "haruka i love you" thing. it is fundamental to ene and shintaro, bc she feels this kinship over being a "selfish" person. idiot. ugh. this pisses me off so much.

2. takane. would not. KILL HERSELF OVER HARUKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY. WOULD KNOW. HARUKA WOULD WANT THEM TO LIVE THE LIFE HE CANT. AND EVEN IF THEY DIDNT KNOW SHED END UP REASONING IT. hi. headphone actor. have u read it. have you. hey. TAKANE DOES NOT WANT TO DIE. even if the world was ending. takane would not. want. to die. takane wants to live. id add the screenshots but tumblr wont let me add pics in my huge insane text but its in the second novel last headphone actor chapter, azami(?) tells takane even if they go back out the daze there is no place left for her and takane says that's fine, they'll find somewhere. they will make a place for themselves. takane would NOT. kill itself. especially not because of someone else. even in a world where no red eye shit happens and haruka dies of his disease naturally and takane would still just grow up without him. ofc itd hurt like hell and it'd mourn her like crazy but they wouldnt kill themselves over it. oh my god. u fucking UUUUGHHHH IT PISSES ME OFF SO BAD YOU DONT UNDERSTAND HER AT ALLLLLLL IM GONNA EXPLODE. yuukei quartet where the healthy pair wanna kill themselves but the unhealthy pair wanna live so bad *my descent into madness is complete* anyways. TAKANE WOULDNT COMMIT SUICIDE. also its fucking ridiculous that they'd do that and end up involved in the red eyes shit by the PURE COINCIDENCE that they kill themselves that day over something unrelated like LMAO thats fucking stupid and love interest syndrome shit dont you DARE do my guy enomoto takane like this. dont you DARE. TAKANE. WOULD NOT. COMMIT. SUICIDE. LET ALONE. OVER. HARUKA.

and 3. take ive read maybe twice but have made me so angry theyve burned a place in my heart waiting for the day i could get an excuse to get it out is... people saying the harutaka in this route is the best because "takane doesnt treat haruka badly like she does normally" erm. ur an idiot. GOD i fucking know the whole tsundere punches crush trope fucking sucks but honest to god anime DOES THAT and everyone in universe takes it lightly bc ANIME. DOES THAT. and its obviously not as SERIOUS as it would be in real life and i will tell u what we do we IGNOREEEEE it bc it adds fucking nothing. like get some fucking nuance come on we got a whole other character like kido telling her brother who was beat as a kid that they wont stop punching him "for his own good". i think we can realise when the writer is being stupid instead of being like yeah these people that dont exist are bad people and abusive. girl no like just stop theyre fictional, someone is WRITING THEM.

and in hs takane's attitude towards haruka in regular routes is grumpy, YEAHHH OFC and theyre snarky and rude and pushy and whatever u want but also god hes a 17 year old with a stupid crush and yknow WHAT I LOVE about them which is HOW i got so obsessed with these 2 in the first place. that theyre friends first and foremost. its always shown and said takane is haruka's most direct support and something that fucking irks me in some fan content is takane being portrayed as this blushing mess that cant talk to haruka GIRL u dont UNDERSTAND THEM. theyre best friends. takane is normal to haruka even if she gets flustered sometimes. like... idk yknow how in the sixth novel i think its like the first lost days chapters where takanes chewing haruka out for not drawing anything yet and generally being a huge bitch but like. thru the whole thing she's described as like smiling and sorta just fucking with him. bc theyre in a truly ridiculous situation and yeah haruka doesnt receive it lightly he thinks shes being harsh but like wow. takane is a flawed character who would fucking imagine do u want a fucking medal like thats THE POINT why do u think this bitch just swallowed her feelings and shit and like shintaro drowned in their guilt and self hatred for 2 years. are u serious. obviously takanes attitude to haruka in highschool isnt the best but also that is the POOOOOOOOIIIIINNNNTTTTTT. why do you THINK she feels so much self hatred. and also despite that THEYRE BEST FRIENDS WHO HANG OUT AND LOVE EACH OTHER and haruka thought highly of her and adored her and ough ok this is about takane dont get me started on haruka but like. yeah she is harsh and silly abt its crush but theyre best friends first and foremost is nice to him and usually people like when people are nice so haruka likes her. there's loads of instances where takane is as nice as they are in the second manga route. so jot that down.

takane's love interest syndrome in second manga route. literally the most tragic thing in the world. i do ADORE the goodbye she has with shintaro like that bit is genuinely one of my all time fave kagepro moments and it is from this route but second manga route takane during the prequel bit??? absolutely fucking TERRIBLE. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS HER LIKE I DO. NOOOOO ONE. AND HAVING THIS "CANON" SHIT TREAT THEM THIS WAY MAKES MY BLOOD BOIL. i hate it so much to the point yeah i could say i fucking hate the second manga route. like i just wrote this huge ass text that i spent *looks at time*a whole hour writing so im all fired up and ofc when i calm down im gonna say waht i said at first like No i dont hate this route bc truly i dont but i hate this takane thing so fucking much i might as well just hate the whole route. do not fucking mess with my blorbo. i didnt have it under the microscope for 10 years only for you to do this to it.

manga: i give you haruka pov!

me: YAYY

manga: in exhange of takane getting love interest syndrome <3

me: WAIT WHAT

[yes-i-write-fanfiction]

Im sorry but can I send an emergency ask?A year ago i was baker acted when i tried to kill myself, and ive gotten much better since then. But my im not close with my sister, and the other day she was yelling at me and said that all the problems my family has is because of my selfishness and “craziness”, and that i should just go away and finish the job. Im really hurt by it, cuz i felt so proud of my progress, now i feel like crap, how would the LL bots react to liaison in a similar situation?

*I know how you feel in a way. My sister is often emotionally and verbally abusive towards me, despite knowing about my mental history, so I recognized myself in this one. I just wanna tell you that I think you are an incredibly strong person to have gotten so far and is so willing to get better, not everyone can do that.*Rodimus is so furious at your sister that he almost burst into flames right there and then. How dare she!? After all you’ve been through! But as much as he wants to give her a piece of his mind he knows that you need him right now. So he takes you to his habsuite, proceeds to roll you into a blanket burrito and then just hold you. You know she’s wrong, right? It’s not your fault and her blaming you like that is wrong and totally uncool. She’s a real buttfart. He then proceeds to call her all the childish insults he can so he can make you laugh. Yeah, forget that meanie and just have fun, you deserve it.

Ultra Magnus/Minimus Ambus stares at her for a few seconds before the biggest frown ever appears on his face. He then asks her, with the coldest and most emotionless voice you’ve ever heard from him, to never talk with you again unless what she’s going to say is an apology. You are one of the strongest and most capable people he knows and while you may have had problems in your past you managed to overcome them. When the two of you are alone later he will pop out of his armor and just hold you in his true form. He doesn’t say anything but he doesn’t have to. Sometimes words are not needed.

Megatron’s plating flares and for a fraction of a second he’s the decepticon warlord again, full of hate and malice. Your sister must have seen the look on his face and decided that she didn’t want to die and ran away. Megatron turns back to normal and collects himself. As much as he wanted to hurt that hateful person he would not have done it. So he directs his attention to you instead and gently reminds you that what she said is not true. Trust him, he’s heard enough lies in his life to be able to see right through them and your sister is the worst liar he’s ever seen.

Drift looks at your sister in a way that only an ex-decepticon can do, optics cold as ice and full of disgust. Then, with an overly polite and sweet tone, he smiles while asking your sister to kindly go to the Pit and stay there. Seriously, he is pissed. How dare she? After all you’ve been through, after everything you’ve overcome? Drift doesn’t hate a lot of people but she just became one of them. He makes sure to comfort you, holding you close and whispering how wonderful you are into your ear. You are just so wonderful and strong, he adores you so.

Swerve sputters for a moment, his mind racing before he lets out a loud “WHAT?” cause he just cannot believe what she just said. Then he starts ranting. And he rants for a long time. Most of what he says doesn’t even make sense because he’s so angry that the words just mix together and become nonsense. Then he abruptly stops because he remembers that you are more important than that prick, picks you up and runs away. You know what this calls for? Movie night and cuddles. And he’ll tell you how perfect you are the whole time while kissing you.

Ten loudly gasps before a series of angry tens flow out of him. You don’t know what he’s saying but you don’t need to be a genius to see that he is upset. After he’s done telling her off Ten picks you up and leaves your sister, stomping angrily as he does. But the moment your sister is out of sight and earshot he starts fretting over you, extremely worried. He might not be able to vocalize how he feels but he can show you. He brings you in for a big hug and nuzzles you. He’s not letting you go for a while.

Skids is like “nope, fuck this, I ain’t gonna stand by and let you treat my wonderful s/o like this” so he takes you in his arms and flees to the vents. Well, not exactly fleeing, more like strategic retreat cause he ain’t letting this go. But right now you need his comfort so his vengeance will have to wait. Luckily he’s kinda prepared for this kind of scenario so there’s a hidden part of the vents where he’s stacked a bunch of pillows, blankets and snack. It’s your own little safe haven. So if you need to talk, talk. Feel like crying? The cry. He’s got tissues. And he won’t leave until you’re feeling better.

Riptide calls her a Unicron’s afthole before picking you up and leaving. He might have wanted to stay and yell at her but he knows that you are more important than her and needs his full attention. He takes you on a walk around the ship since he knows it’s easier to talk while walking and right now you probably need to talk. Hey, s/o, your sister is a real jerk, you now that? Hopes her nether regions rust over, or whatever the human equivalent of that is. You want a hug honey? Cause he’ll give you as many hugs as you want. And kisses. And if you want you can hold hands and cuddle!

Rung pauses for a second before taking of his glasses and outright begins glaring at your sister. He is mad, incredibly so, but he doesn’t yell as he tells your sister just how utterly wrong she is. He can see right through her, see all the little insecurities and fears that she has and a few carefully selected words is enough to send her running. Good, now that she is gone he can focus on you. He will take the day off just so he can spend it with you, comforting you and making sure that you won’t go into that dark place again. You’ve come so far and you are so strong, don’t let inconsiderate people drag you down, he knows you can do it.

Whirl is fucking ready to fight. Where is that bitch? He’ll punt her into a black hole! After he’s done comforting you of course. Hey, fleshy, you know that “sister” of yours was lying completely, right? She just wanted to be mean and get a rise out of you. Trust him, he does the same shit to others all the time, though he would never say something that low. Besides, nothing that she said was true. She’s only jealous cause you got together with the hottest Wrecker of them all and she didn’t! And you know he cares about you, right? He cares about you more than he dares to admit.

Fortress Maximus stomps down hard on the ground so it starts to shake, making your sister fall over. Then he leaves with you in his hands, not even bothering to look back at her. Mostly because he knows that if he did then he would start yelling and he knows that you don’t need to hear that right now. He’s really upset though and keeps muttering to himself while holding you close to his spark. Max does his best to comfort you and talk about your feelings but if you’d rather talk to someone else he understands. Just know that he’s there for you, ok?

Tailgate picks you up, cradles you to his chest, points to your sister and says “I never want you to speak with me or my wonderful wonderful s/o ever again”. Then he takes his hoverboard and flies out of there, with you still in his arms. He’s huffing and puffing the entire way back to your habsuite where he proceeds to sit down on the bed, drape a large blanket over the both of you and just cuddles you. Don’t listen to her s/o, she’s just a big ol meanie! A smelly pile of old energon! And… And it’s not your fault, any of that. You are not selfish, you are the most kind and incredible person he knows!

Cyclonus is, oh boy, he is NOT happy. Not one fucking bit. That sister of yours better run and run quickly cause right now Cyclonus is ready to stab a bitch. When he calms down he asks you how you’re feeling and it doesn’t matter what your answer is because Cyclonus will pick you up and carry you for the rest of the day. He doesn’t say a lot but he makes sure that you don’t feel bad and if he notices that you’re starting to get sad he will say something to cheer you up. All in all he acts like a guard dog. For your feelings. He will bark at those bad thoughts till they leave.

Chromedome gets seriously pissed. For a bot without a visible face he sure looks mad. Subtly he brings out the needles in his fingers, scaring your sister off. Yeah, she better run. Not that he would hurt her but he would scare the crap out of her. Then he turns his attention to you and oh boy he does a complete 180. He goes from angry murder machine to worried kitten in 0.3 seconds. Are you ok? Do you need a hug? Something to snack on? Whatever you need he will get it.

Rewind may be tiny by cybertronian standards but he’s still taller than any human so when your sister starts bullying you he stands up and looms over her threateningly. You know, he catched this entire conversation on camera and he can easily put it up on the internet so everyone will know what she said and what kind of person she is. So, she should probably shut her mouth and leave before he accidentally releases it, yes? Yeah, he thought so too. After this Rewind will absolutely pamper you cause you didn’t deserve to hear that and he fucking loves you.

Brainstorm gets eerily quiet at first. Then, slowly, he points a gun at her and tells her she’s got ten seconds to get out of his sight. He starts counting down. Your sister decides not to risk anything and runs off. Without saying a word Brainstorm picks you up and starts cradling you. His wonderful, amazing s/o. Please don’t believe her. You are fantastic, extraordinary. And if he ever lost you he wouldn’t know what to do (probably go back in time again). He absolutely refuses to let you out of his sight for the rest of the day and he takes every chance he gets to cuddle you.

Perceptor glares at her for a solid ten seconds before he tells her to leave and never show himself in front of you or him ever again. Pure bloodlust seems to radiate off him and she heeds his warning and runs off. Once she is gone he returns to normal though there’s a visible frown on his face. You know she’s just saying that to get under your skin, right? Not any of it was true. If anyone is selfish then it’s her since she can’t seem to think of anyone but herself. Do you… do you need to talk? He might not be that good at it but if you need him he’s there for you. So don’t… try anything stupid. He will always be on your side.

First Aid starts shaking out of frustration. He clenches and unclenches his servos and nearly cries in anger as he tells your sister how wrong she is. And if she believes what she said then she is the dumbest person he’s ever met cause none of that is your fault. Sometimes people feel like nothing matter, like they are empty inside and those people are the strongest because no matter what they continue to live, to love the people around them and try to get better. First Aid is still shaking as he embraces you. Please don’t ever let people like her get to you. He couldn’t stand losing you.

Ratchet explodes and starts yelling at your sister. He absolutely destroys any of her attempts to explain herself and once he’s done yelling at her she orders her to never, ever show her face around her again or he will eject her into the cold vacuum of space! He’s still pissed when she’s gone but he calms down for your sake. He is very gentle as he hugs you and he hugs you for a long time. Forget about her and what she said, ok? She’s a toxic person and will only bring you sorrow, believe him, he knows. You are not bothering anyone and he loves you more than anything else.

[gfwatch]

S/O and Widow/Sombra/Mercy (separate) are in a relationship and they both attend a party and the OW ladies get really jealous and protective of their SO when someone starts to grind next to them on the dance floor

protective ladies are great honestly. also im so sorry i just realized that the pharah thing i wrote was pretty much this exact prompt.

Widowmaker

Widowmaker loves you very much, and gets very protective over you anyway. One might think she’s detached, but truthfully, she gets very jealous and insecure about your relationship. She wants to make sure you’re happy with her, and worries that you’re going to leave her. it wouldn’t be hard, after all. Everyone else is so much better than her.

You’d have a much better life with literally anyone else. She’s just trying to make you happy. She leaves you to go grab you a drink and catches someone grinding on you, and she’s immediately jealous. She tenses, putting the drink back and walking as calmly as possible towards the two of you. She thinks she’s casual, but the crowd clears. She’s visibly upset.

She grabs your wrist and pulls you away, off of the dance floor. She won’t listen to anything you have to say. She just wants to be out of there, now. She pulls you into an empty room and locks the door. She takes a deep breath and lets you go. Did you really just…?! She sighs. You could have at least told me that you wanted to break up.

She pauses. I… Oh. You still like me. I just. I thought… I saw the two of you, and I… She sighs. I like when you dance with me, my love. She pouts a little. I’m sorry I’m a little protective. I just… I don’t want to lose you to anyone or anything. She holds your hand. Is it wrong for me to be so selfish with you? She kisses you. If it is, then I don’t care.

Sombra

Sombra flirts with people a lot. She tries not to, though if you don’t like it. She doesn’t mean anything flirtatious unless it’s to you, to be honest. Honestly, she doesn’t care about anyone except you, after all. She loves you so much. After all, if you left, she might leave, too. No reason to stay around without you by her side. She finds herself very attached to you.

You would be happy without her, right? She doesn’t want to find out. Instead, she makes sure to keep you happy with her as much as she can. She doesn’t want to risk anything that might drive you away from her, which might also make things difficult for her to open up. Seeing someone grind on you makes her clench her jaw, but she tries to be casual.

She decides to snake a hand around your waist and grab you away from the other person. Aw, babe. She shakes her head. It looked like that person was kind of bothering you. She mumbles into your ear. They were bothering me. …I’m sorry if you were having fun. I just missed you. Seeing someone else made me kinda mad.

She takes a deep breath. I like when you dance with me. Uh. Not always like that, though, babe. but yeah. It kinda made me a little, uh... She stops. No, I’m not jealous. Not like… Hey! I just wanted to make sure that we were still good and happy, and… We still okay? She smirks when you agree. Then wanna hang out with the best dancer here?

Mercy

Mercy is a little protective over you. She trusts you, naturally, but she just wants to make sure you’re happy with her. She already worries a lot about you as it is, and would be heartbroken if you ended up with someone else. She loves you very much, after all, and would never want to make you feel insecure. She knows you’d do the same for her, if you cared at all.

She wonders if she leaves too much. She has a lot of work to do, all around the world, but wishes that she could spend more time with you. She hopes you aren’t too lonely at home, and worries that you’d be able to find someone that would spend more time with you than she does.  She sees someone grind on you. Her cheeks are red as she walks over.

She normally doesn’t like too much PDA, but she does it out of jealousy. She pulls you away from the other person and pulls you into her arms, kissing you hard in front of the other person. She widens her eyes when she pulls away, realizing what she’s done. I… She panics for a moment, pulling you out of the room, into the hallway.

I’m sorry. That was quite out of line, and I… She blushes hard, burying her face in her hands. I know I shouldn’t have done that. I just got a little jealous when I saw you with someone else. I should trust you, but I don’t know why I thought... She takes a deep breath. I’m so sorry, sweetheart. She takes a deep breath. Can we try this again?

[noxitic-blog]

Foundation

Some langst i thought up of

•Lance is jealous that Keith has Shiro , Pidge has Hunk , Coran has allura . He felt left out and unfit for the group . He truly left like a 7th wheel .

•Lance is still insecure and never had reassurance , so he thought it would be best to just leave and go back to earth .

•he thinks leaving would be the option since allura had taken over the blue lion . Plus he would be able to see his family again . (Though he doesnt really want to leave because the palladins are also his family)

•he decides to pack at night and he goes up To blue to say goodbye and tells her she will always be his lion and he goes to red and thanks her for accepting him and his voice starts to crack and ends up crying and he says take care of keith cause he can be hot headed

 •He went inside his space pod and took one last sigh and remembered all the times he had with his friends . How he looked up to Shiro , How he will miss his bestfriends cooking , being a brother figure to Pidge while still looking for matt , becoming good friends with allura , seeing coran as his uncle and lastly , how now overcame the rival stage with keith and became close friends with him .

• He hesistates for a moment , but continues anyway . His last words were “ I know you guys can do it . Goodluck on defending the universe" and rides off into space .  

 •Next morning  , they were to report to a meeting to discuss their next attack on lotor . Once all of them was there , they questioned the absence of Lance . They probably thought he overslept or totally forgot about the meeting , so they decided to go to his room .  They knock on his door , but he there was no answer , so they all went inside . They looked around and he was no where to he found , but they saw a paper on his bed that says . “Im sorry I couldnt tell you any of this , but I left to go back to earth . I miss my family . I- I really appreciate the time we all had together and defending the universe with you guys” . P.S , Allura , take care of blue for me .  

 • 3 days has passed , Lance not knowing where he is , not knowing how many light years he is  from earth . The silence of the space pod , was uncomfortable for him . He enjoyed hearing the laughter and the voices from his friends , feeling a tear form in his eyes he tells himself , “its okay , its okay he wipes his tears and says

• “dont regret any of this . Theyre better off without me ”

 •His space pod is running out of fuel and hes also running out of supplies to eat . He had no option , but to go to the closest planet . Strangely enough it was the balmera planet . 

 •He landed safely in the balmera planet , he looked around to see the planet was lively and safe . He was shocked when he heard a girl say “hey , arent you hunks friend?” He turned around to see shay . 

, he remembered her when they were fighting and protecting the balmera from getting destroyed . Also , Hunk wouldnt stop talking about her and how grateful he was to have met her . The boy was totally inlove with her . He smiled as memories flood in of him and hunk in the kitchen , while hunk was preparing to make a special meal , Lance was just sitting ,  staring at his bestfriend prepare the meal while , he talked about the love of life . He was talking about how Shay was a very nice person and hunk had such a soft look on his face while talking about her . and Lance just smiled at his bestfriend , glad that hes found someone he was fond of . He also questions if he , himself wil also find someone he can talk about so proudly and fondly of . Then Lance , remembered how Allura and Keith were getting closer and how bothered he was by it . 

“I hate his stupid mullet so much “ Hunk turned around and gave Lance a weird look . “Are you talking about Keith ?” Lance nodded , it was him alright his rival per say , although they were getting closer to one  another so we had no say of where their relationship stand was at the moment . 

Hunk asked “do you actually hate him? “ Lance looked at Hunk weirdly , he was caught off guard with the question . Honestly , he never did , he never hated the guy . not at all . its quite the opposite , he respected him a lot due to his abilities  , he was envious of him . he would never say this to Keiths face , but hes axtually glad to be his rival . His thoughts were interupted when Shay was waving a hand in front of him , asking him if hes alright . 

“O-ohh What was that ? ,  sorry I was thinking about something” Lance sighed , hunk would be so jealous of him right now , he’d been dying to see Shay . Shay looked at lance with concern , but with a tint of curiosity , “Are the other palladins with you ? “ Shay was looking at Lance for an answer , Lance just looked at her , sweat dropped down his forehead . how was he going to explain all of this to her ? . 

“Oo-oh no just me and my handsome self ✨” Lance tried to hide the the overcoming feeling of  sadness and guilt with a smile . Shay noticed this a bit , but decided to nodd it off . “Oh I see , so what brings you here palladin?” . Lance was stuck in a turmoil , should he tell her ? Should he tell her hes just visiting ? It wouldnt be bad to tell her right? She had no way to contact Hunk so he wouldnt know and they wouldnt come looking for him . He needed to leave fast . 

“Why would he leave us ? “ Hunk slid back on the couch , looking up at the ceiling , worried about what happened to his bestfriend , if hes okay , if the galrans captured him . A lot of negative thoughts circled his mind. He knew his bestie wouldnt just up and leave . He knew something was wrong . “well he did say in the letter , he missed his family , so thats what motivated him to leave “ Pidge replied as she was typing on her computer trying to get coordinates of Lotors where abouts .  “I know that , but I think theres more to this than what we see “ Shiro replied as he walked back and forth across the room trying to think of ways to get a hold of Lance , also worried about his safety . Keith was silent throughout this , but his mind is jumbled of thoughts that occurred during the bedroom scene . Now recalling it , Lance did go to him , saying he would step down since he wasnt needed . They were getting closer or so he thought . Everytime he was getting closer to Lance , Lance goes farther away and Keithwas now angry . Lance didnt tell him anything about leaving . His head hurt . Did lance think he was useless to the team? Did he feel inferior ? His train of thoughts were interrupted when Hunk shot up from his slouch position , and screamed “ We have to go find him” everybody looked at Hunk , they knew he was serious . He was , Lances bestfriend afterall . 

“But Lotor can be roaming around and we need to find him . We dont have time to look for Lance” Keith lashed out . Keith now regretting what he said , he was angry at Lance for leaving the group . . Just leaving a piece of letter behind and went on with his life . What about his duty as a palladin? He thought Lance was being selfish . His own selfishness will cause the group to be in disaray . He looked at Hunk and saw a painful look on Hunks face  . Hunk sighed and replied . &ldquo ,no one stopped you when you tried to look for your brother (Shiro) , but you cant stop me when im looking for my bestfriend . If you guys arent coming with me , im going alone “ Hunk was determined to find Lance . He knew something was wrong , he knew Lance enough to know when he did something irrational , it was due to his inner turmoil . All that said he needed to go look for him . 

“Um my space pod kind of ran out of gas , but Ill just stay here for a bit to rest and look for some supplies , if thats alright with you guys?“ nbsp;“ Lance looked at Shay for an answer just responded  “"oh okay , please come, youre more than welcome , meet the other balmerians , we will be happy to help , since you saved us “ Lance was happy Shay was here . She was a calming person to be around , and also glad that theyre giving him hospitality . Also , he was all alone to a kind of new enviornment so , he wasnt fully relaxed yet . 

Keith looked at Hunk and wanted to apologize  , but was already walking away .  Keith got up to catch up to Hunk , only to for the both of them to be stopped by Allura . “You guys just , please lets all calm down and talk this through , I know we are all sad about Lance , but we need to make a plan before actually going out to look for him ”

They both stopped in their tracks , surprised that Allura isnt going to tell them that we need to move on , just like she did with Shiro , but to come up with a plan to help look for him .

“I dont want him to end up alone , hurt and discomfort . I dont want him to go through what Shiro went through , so lets take precautions .” They all looked at Allura and smiled . Shiro went through a lot and went through more . She didnt want the same thing happening to Lance . She became good friends with Lance and she didnt want this friendship to tarnish . Moving on didnt help Shiro and the team . It made them mature yes , but the wound was still there .

Hunk started to walk back and Keith stopped him and apologized “Hunk , look , im sorry , I - it came out wrong and I didnt mean to say it that way ” Hunk also apologized for acting irrational “its okay buddy , and im sorry to , I just , I just worried about him . They gave each other weak smiles and walked back to the couch .

“Iv never seen Hunk so serious before , nice job keef ” Keith was about to retort , but only gave her a look . He wanted to keep his tempure on check , since backlashing isnt going to help anything . She snorted  and continued to look up at her computer screen . she stopped looking for Lotors coordinates , but instead was looking for a way to locate Lances location . This was harder than she thought since they had no knowledge of what kind of Pod Lance used . Pidge didnt want to show that she was concerned about Lance , but in reality she really was . She was like his brother and now for him to walk out of her life like that felt like Matt was leaving her all over again . It hurted her . She didnt want to experience the pain all over again .

Shay led Lance to were a bunch of balmerans were . It looked to be a gathering of some sort . “Here lance have some food ” Lance took the food and gave it a weird look , questioning what it was , why did it look so pink and gooey , but Lance had no choice , since his stomach was practicaly screaming to be full .

“Lets do a little introduction , heres my family , thats my brother Rax , my grandmother Rena  , my father rox  , and my grandmmother Rilla” Lance bowed and pointed his gun fingers at them and greeted them . “Hey there the names , Lancey Lance , but you can call me handsome ✨” they all looked at him and gave a nervous laugh and sweat dropped. They didnt know how to react to such a behavor . Rena walked up to Lance and gently grabbed his arm , “youre more than welcome to be here , after saving us from such tragic . ” her smile was warm and big . Lance felt a gush of happiness , she reminded him of his Abuelita from back home . Her sweet singing , her good cooking , he- all of sudden tears start streaming from his eyes . 

He really missed his mother  hugs , his grandmothers hugs , the rain , the verardo beach , his little cousins , but he also missed playing on Pidges computer and using her headphones to listen to music , watching Hunk cook and charting with him about everything , training with Shiro , having small talks with Allura , helping coran clean the healing pods and Keith , he missed Keith , and His stupid mullet , he misses bickering with him . Everything was crashing down on him . He was so tired . He hated the feeling of not being of use to the team , he hated feeling like a hindurance to the team . Tired . Tired of everything . Tired of being away from both of his homes at the same time . His home at the castle of lions and his home art earth . Rena took Lances arm and asked if he was alright , Lance looked at her and he couldnt do it anymore , he hugged Rena , and poured out his heart . “Im so sorry” his voice cracked “im so selfish , im not a good friend , i-i Im so useless I hate mysel-” Rena hushed him and held him in her arms . Lance held on to Rena , he could feel his legs give out . They both fell on the floor , Lance still clutching onto Rena. Rena told the other balmerans to leave them be , except Shay . 

Shay looking sympathetically towards Lance , wishing she could help him anyway possible . She wished Hunk was here to also help him . She sar next to Lance and Rena . The tears wouldnt stop , he wanted to go home , but he didnt know which home . With the palladins or with his earth family . A fee moments later Lance fell in a slumber sleep . Shay ruffled Lances hair and wiped tears away , she looked at Grandma Rena and asked , “Do you think Lance will be okay? ” Rena looked at Lance , she thought that poor guy looked like he was having a hard time with himself , but he looked a bit relaxed in his sleep . “Yeah he will be fine . He just needs time . “ 

 Pidge pulled up a map of the galaxy “Okay so Lance shouldnt be that far from us , his space pod should only get him a atleast 2 if not three planets away from us ” Allura inserted , ” there are three possible planets that he went to since hes ran out of gas . First planet is Robus X , Ubio and lastly the Balmera Planet . . Hunk walked up to the map and closely looked up at the three planets . He examined them one by one . Robus X and Ubio was out of the list , he looked at the balmeran planet , he has a hunch he might be there . “you guys , I feel like Lance would be in the Balmera planet�� Pidge looked at Hunk and grinned . Pidge went up to Hunk and lightly poked his stomach and teased him “ you just want to see your girlfriend ” . Allura , Shiro and Keith and Coran just looked at each other and shrugged . “No-no you guys , im being serious , I have a feeling hes there ” They all looked at him and remembered how Hunks hunches were somewhat accurate . And everybody decided they would put faith in Hunks hunch . Shiro walked up to Hunk and placed his hand on his shoulders and smiled at him . “ Okay Coran and Allura , lets go to the Balmera Planet “ Coran and Allura got into their position and opened up a black hole in front of them . A black hole that goes right into the Balmeran Planet .In everybodies head , they hope Hunk is right and that he is there and safe . 

 Opening his eyes was harder than he thought . He felt like his eyes were shut with glue . He was laying down on the floor a rock as a pillow , but somehow it felt really soft . Shay saw Lance shuffle on his sleep , and shook his shoulders a bit . “H-hey youre awake now , are you alright?” Lance looked up to see Shay , Smiling, but her eyes seemed so concerned about him . Lance got up and looked around the room to look for Rena . “Hey , im alright , thanks shay , by the way , wheres Rena?” Shay got up and grabbed a Cloth and put a bit if water on it and handed it to Lance . “Shes making us food at the moment , I wanted to help , but I wanted to tend to you ” Lance smiled and grabbed the cloth and wiped his face with it . He probably looks terrible from all that crying and sniffing . “Food is ready , im glad youre awake Lance ” Shay got up and helped Rena set up the table and food .  

Lance felt so bad , he felt like hes been taking advantage of them , first he comes uninvited to their planet and take their supplies to embark on his journey to earth , where he literally has no idea which way it is, next He showed him how weak he was by crying infront of them and now he is being fed .This is too much . He is always recieving , but never giving back . He Couldnt stay here any longer , he needed to leave . He didnt want to inconvinence them any longer so Lance has decided . “Hey Rena and Shay thanks for everything , but youve done enough , I cant take anymore from you guys , thank you. I really need to get going Ladies” Lance gets up to leave only to be stopped by Rena 

. “Please stay to eat , you need it ” He looked at Shay and Rena , eyes were pleading to stay with them , he was about to retort , but he sighed and gave in . Theyre too nice of a person to say no to . All of three started to walk towards the table and pick at their food . Lance looked at his food and back at both Shay and Rena . He was truly , thankful , for these two. They also reminded him of his sister and his grandma . Rena noticed Lance staring at her and smiled , “ Something the matter ? ” Lance looked away still a smile on his lips and tells them of how the three of them eating reminded him of his sister and grandma. “Ahh , I see , why dont you tell us more about your earth family ? ” Shay asked excitedly . 

Lance realized he has only known these two for only in a short amount of time , but he didnt hesitate to tell them at all . It felt natural to tell them , natural to talk to them . Hes about to tell them his life story . Not that he wouldnt mind , its just that , it felt like hes been knowing them forever , Thats a good sign . Or a weak sign because he trusts too easily , but he knows deep in his heart , these people are too be trusted . “W-well , I have a big family at home . I have 3 little cousins , 2 brothers and 2 sisters , Im the oldest one and of course my grandma , my mother and my dad . ” Lance smiled as he remembers his hometown and his friends and his favorite beach in the world . The verardo beach . “Our family would always go to the beach , even when its cold . We are commitsd to Tuesday Beach Day . Lance laughed and continued ” I always look after my brothers and sisters at home while my parents where away from work. My mom is has a resturant and my dad helps with the cooking . Also , My mother gives the best hugs!!“ Lance remembers during his birthdays , his other siblings birthdays , relatives birthday , or any holiday . There would always be a lot of food . And a lot of people would come over friends and family . It would get crazy and loud , but fun. “My grandma , she also gives the best hugs , I cant say whose hugs i like more , but theyre both the best ” Lance paused to eat some of his food and continued “ My three cousins , are a big pain in the butt to take care of . Seriously they run around all over the place ! . One time they tied me up and put my hair in a pony tail !” Rena and Shay in unison laughed , Rena thought . Lance had such a vibrant and all around fun family . Of course , there will always be discourse here and there , but would it really be a family if there wasnt ? Rena stopped laughing and wiped the tear from her eyes “Your family must be really fun to be with , truly they do love and miss you .” Lance smiled turned into a frown he thought “ love and miss me huh? , I wonder if they do , I wonder if theyre looking for me and or even remotly remember me at all” lances train of thought interrupted when Rena asked

 ” so , what about your palladin family?“ Lance looked up to Rena and hesistated to answer for a sec , but proceeded . "W-well , um theres 7 of us . 2 beautiful ladies , Allura , shes really smart and shes an altean princess and super strong , youve met her before . Theres Pidge , shes a gremlin ,but shes my little sister kinda , shes tech savy and really smart . Theres Coran , hes like my uncle , he makes me help him clean the healing pods , I really found it boring at first , but now I have fun cleaning it with him since he now puts music . Theres Shiro , hes the man I look up to the most , hes a great leader and I aspire to be like him one day . Also , hunk , my best bud , my man , been knwoing that guy ever since , super humble , hes really smart and handsome . Anyone would be lucky enough to be his girlfriend. Lance glanced over at Shay and Shay looked away with tinted pink cheeks . He couldnt wait for Shay and Hunk to actually be together . They would give Lance cavity . Lance laughed , and continued . Last , but not least , ugh mullet guy . “This guy , him and his stupid mullet . I mean hes not a bad guy , but he ignored me when we went to garrisons together , but then he gets mad over me not remembering our “bonding moment” , and now he became my rival , well , not really anymore I think . Lance puts his spoon down and puts his hand under his chin and raised his eyebrows “ I mean , well . I dont think hes my rival anymore , I guess were friends now ? I mean , Hes a cool guy flying into asteroids and cool junk like that. So ,I dont hate him that much , well I dont hate him , I dont think I ever hated him . I guess I want to he friends with him , but I dont know , I think he hates m- Lance stopped when the room filled with Laughter from both Shay and Rena 

. "I think you like this guy , I think youre mixing your feelings with hate and like and rivalry ” Lance looked at them with an unamused face with a tint of blush on his cheeks . “Who would like him? Anyway , I mean ” Lance remembers their bonding moment , (vividly) , when they held hands , when keith gave him the softest smile when he saved up from a flying sword , Keith smiling fondly at him when he made a joke about being the sharpshooter . Their backs touching one another when they were stuck on the elevator. Lances face was now a full on tomato, he turned to look away from the two of them. This is so embarrassing . “Stupid brain , stop THINKING ABOUT HIM , HIS MULLET , HIS FACE, HIS LIPS , WHY WOULD I LIKE HIM WE ALWAYS BICKER , HE HATES ME , BUT WE PROTECT EACH OTHER FROM HARM , I MEAN THATS WHAT EVERY COUPLE DO RIGHT?!?! WAIT WHY AM I COMPARING US TO A COUPLE? gaah STUPID BRAIN  

"You have an amazing family Lance ” Lance now calm , looked at his plate and back at Rena . “yeah , theyre the best . I miss them ” Lance grabbed a spoonful and continued to eat . “ Why are you trying to leave your family? ”

as he was about to eat his food , he paused midair and slowly put the spoon down . “W-well , its , just that I feel that Im not good enough to be on the voltron team” Rena and Shay concerned about him. “so this is what was bothering the kid?” Rena thought . Both her and Shay got up from their seats and hugged Lance . Rena and Shay ruffled his brown hair . “Lancey , my boy , Sometimes the world feels like its against us , sometimes its not the world , its our ourselves that we are fighting ” Lance listened contently . Shay continue “you know , Lance , when I have a problem , usually I can fix it myself , but if Im not able to . I have my friends and family . If they have a problem , I would also give them a helping hand because thats what friends and family do . You dont have to always shoulder your burdens , you have plenty of shoulders to lean on . If you dont have a shoulder to lean on you can have arms ” Both Rena and Shay wrap their arms around his shoulders . 

 "A strong foundation that can keep you up from falling down” Lance was shocked , he never felt so much love in this while , he starts to grab both of their arms and hug them . Tears streaming down his facewhile continuously saying “thank you guys so much ”. This moment , was a moment Lance , will truly forever cherish . He was so grateful to have met these two . It felt like he had just made another family , He showed them his beautiful and darkside and they embraced it . They embraced him . They accepted him and helped him even when he was just a stranger who just landed on their planet for resources . Their hospitality and love that was graced upon him and honestly he felt like he didnt deserve it ,but accepted it whole heartedly . Rena and Shay felt happy for Lance to be able to pour out his feelings , though they werent sure , if his self doubts would continue , but he would know now himself that people care about him . All three of them crying and hugging each other was interrupted when they heard a loud sound coming from outside . All of them , looked at each other , wipping each others tears and looked outside to see what was all the commotion 

. Lance shocked to see the ship , he also questioned how they were able to track him down , but then he remembered they had Hunk and In the team , so it wasnt that impossible to do so . But He was now feeling guilty and selfish and useless all over again . He now burdened the team more by making them waste their time trying to locate him , when instead should be focusing on locating Lotor and find out about his plans . Everyone gathered to see a small space pod landing . The door opened , Revealing the palladins and the princess . Shay looked over and saw Hunk , she was quite nervous , but happy so see him . Shay started to run towards the crowd and waved at Hunk . They both run towards each other and hug one another . 

  Hunk was now blushing furiously , unable to speak the words he wanted to speak “ H-hey Shay ! Lon-ng time no see ! ” Shay laughed at his stuttering and smiled at him , “ its good to see you again” The palladins caught up to hunk and shay . Shay saw the others coming up behind Hunk . Shay walked up to allura and greeted her . “ Princess Allura and palladins its good to see you guys again , how can he help you?” “Our friend has gone missing and we were wondering if you had seen him? ” Keith nervously looking around and hoping to see Lance , but there was no sign of him at all . Maybe he wasnt in this planet , maybe they were wasting all this time that he was at another planet . Wasting time when they could help him he was out there stranded or wounded “Are you refering to Lance? ” Keiths train of thoughts stopped as he heard  Lances name . He was here? Where is he ? Keith started to look around at the people . 

 Rena and Lance looked at the crowd gathering around the palladins . Lance was super anxious to approach them , he had no way out now . He needed to apologize to them for burdening them . Rena looked up at Lance and placed a hand behind his back. And looked back at the crowd . “you dont have to yet go my son , but I know youre itching to see them again” Rena turned to Lance again finding him in a turmoil . Lance didnt have a choice , they were already here so might as well go with him and explain to them whats happening with him . Talking to Rena and Shay really helped and cleared his mind a bit . Lance hugged Rena “ Granny Rena , thank you for everything” and walked off to see the palladins . He was nervous , what if they kill him?well thats not really possible . But what if they hate him now? What if theyre just here so they could tell him theyre glad to leave him behind ? Either way he/ prepared with anything theyre going to say towards him .

 "Hes here? Allura asked and Shay nodded . Every one was shocked and happy to find out that hes landed here . Hunk sighed in relief and questioned “so where is- “Im here” Lance answered he had his other hand on his neck . Rubbing it back and fourth and the other hand on his pocket trying to look for something to pick at . 

Everyone turned and looked at Lance , they saw that he had red puffy eyes , ragged clothes and looked like he hasnt been eating or sleeping in months . Pidge , Allura , Coran and Hunk start to run towards him and hug him tightly . Lance wasnt expecting that at all . He expected to be reprimanded at . Expected to be hated . His thoughts were stopped when all of them started screaming in unison . 

 “MY BESTFRIEND HOW COULD YOU , WHO WAS I GOING TO NOW WHEN I MAKE EVERYONE FOOD ?!?! ” Hunk sobbed , he was grateful Lance was safe . He wouldnt be able to live if his bestfriend was harmed and or dead . “I HATE YOU - I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO BE LIKE MATT AGAIN , DONT DO THIS AGAIN OR I WONT LET YOU USE MY HEADPHONES TO LISTEN TO SHAKIRA !! “ Pidge hugged Lances waist tightly . She was glad that Lance was safe , but she now haded to reprimand him later , if he ever decides to leave again , no shakira or laptop for a month . Coran screaming , “MY SONNNNN , MY SONNN YOU ARE SAFE , I FELT LONELY CLEANING THE PODS MYSELf ” Coran clinging on to his feet . Coran has lost many people in his life . Thr first gen Palladins . He didnt want to lose the other . He was glad he was safe . Shiro placed a hand on Lances shoulder and smiled at him “ Im glad youre safe ” . Shiro was reliefed that Lance wasnt captred by the galra . He was in good care and thats all that mattered . Allura hugged lances back “ YOU DARE LEAVE US ,HOW COULD YOU I FELT BETRAYED , I WAS WORRIED WE WOULDNT SEE YOU AGAIN ” Allura cried . She was began to start a new friendship with Lance and for Lance to be gone wouldve left a wound on her .  

Keith was in the back watching the commotion , he sighed contently . He was glad that Lance was okay , but still a bit mad for leaving them . Keith decided to walk up slowly to them . “H-ey , we’re glad to have our sharpshooter back. ” Keith blushed and looked away , he didnt know what say at the time other than that .maybe saying welcome back couldve been better ? .

 Everybody was now looking at Lance and Keith . Keith was embarrased to look back at Lance , but he looked anyway to see Lances reaction . Both starring at one another . Lance looked like a riped tomato . He can barely hold himself to say something . Now everybody was interested to see where this was going . “W-why are you blushing mullet?!?!” “I SHOULD BE ASKING you that , why are you blushing?!!” Keith was now embarrsed . He wished the ground undrr him would open up and swallow him . He decided that he would walk away and walk back small space pod . “Keith wait , I wanted to talk with you and everybody” Keith stopped and looked back at Lance and started walking back towards him . He remembers that he still hasnt told them the reason why he actually really left . He left them hanging , with an excuse at that . Its understandable that youd want to see your family again , but it still didnt add up , knowing Lance , he wasnt a selfish person , not at all . There was much more than "I just want to see my family”

Everybody stopped clinging on to Lance and was now facing him , waiting for an explaination . Lance took a deep breathe and told himself its okay you can do this . You can tell them . Just be yourself and tell them . After all , theyre your family . You 2 new families . The palladins and Shay and Rena.

 “I-im sorry , for being a burden again , I-” Dang it , Lance thought the tears are forming again and he still havent even gotten far into his explaination yet . Everybody looked at Lance , sending worried looks on his way . Shay and Rena walked over to Lance and gave him a patt on the back . He looked at both of them and he nodded . He breathed in and out and continued “I-I left because I thought that ……I was … I-I felt like a burden to the team . A useless weight …….. Allura has the blue lion , S-Shiro was back so he was going to take Black from Keith and Keith would want his Red back , why should I be there ? I dont have a purpose anymore …. I think. I think everybodies inferior to me , Pidge is smart , Hunk is also smart , Shiro is a leader , Allura was powerful , Coran also had knowledge and Keith , Keith I , I also admired you . I- I just I was just I just - I just felt miserable being around with people whos abilities are off the charts , but now thinking about it and thinking about thr times I-I had with the team “ Lance stopped , his breathing patterns were off and the tears in his eyes were getting heavier . "I- I felt more miserable when I left you guys ” Lance cradled himself and crying . Everybody shocked and tears filled their eyes . They went up to Lance and hugged him . “Lance , the lion switch was temporary , dont worry about it . Youre not a burden to the team . Not at all . Youre far from that . We became good friends now , you always have my back , im super thankful for you . ” Allura assured Lance . Hunk pulled lance in a crushing hug and screamed “ Why would you think that? You saved us plenty of times ! Youre my bestfriend , I know we always joke around , but really youre important to us !! I dont like seeing you hurt buudddy ” Hunk safely Landed Lance down And Pidge started hugged Lance again in the waist “ I never thought you were a burden , i think youre a great friend Lance , thank you for being a good substitute brother” Lance cried more loudly , this was it , this was what he needed . Reassurance from the team . Ressurance that he was needed and loved by his teammates or better yet , his family . Lance pulled Hunk , Pidge and Allura in a tight embrace . Shiro walks up and patts him in the head , Lance looks up at Shiro and smiles “we never once thought you were a burden ,not at all . Youre a great sharpshooter Lance . Youre always improving and honestly you improved the most so far . ” Shiro got a bit teary eyed . Lance was like his brother to him , (well maybe brother in law in the future if things work out between him and keith) Coran interjected “ NOOOO MY SON , MY GORGEROUS SON , NEVER THINK NEGATIVELY ABOUT YOUR SELFFFF ” Coran lifted his hand up to Lances hair and ruffled them . "You make all of us proud my son ”

 Keith was watching his teammates sob and cradle Lance . He wouldve been lying if he said he didnt want to , but he wasnt to keen in showing public diplay of affection . He walked up to them slowly . Hunk , Shiro , Pidge , Allura and Coran stop hugging Lance and looked at Keith coming up towards them . They all looked at each other and smiled and walked away from Lance . Lance was now confused , was Keith going to punch him? Yell at him? What what?

Keith walks up to Lance pulls on the hem of his shirt and places his forehead against his. Everybody was shocked by this . Pidge took out her made shift phone and started taking pictures . The picture was quite perfect with greenish lighting , but also sun arraying on them . The other palladins saying sighing contently saying finally . Keith sighed and looked at where he is gripping Lances shirt “I-im not good with words , but next time you have a problem , come to me , dont go far away from me , come and i-ill open my arms wide for you to hug .” Keith looks  up at Lance for an answer and they both felt liked the world stopped when theyre eyes met  . They were inches apart . Inches from closing the gap between them .  

Everybody was starring at them intensely while , Keith and Lance starred at each other for a while blushing madly . Keith was getting embarrassed and weird stares that peope are giving them . Also to his weird little speech towards Lance . Keith lets go of Lances shirt and turns the other way “A-anyway thats all . lets go home” All of sudden , everybody was screaming sounding dissapointed “NO KISSS?!?!” Keith and Lance now frozen in their place . Lance looked like he was about to pass out , while keith looked like he was about to kill everybody . 

 But all in all , Lance is happy , he didnt know they cared about him this much . Or probably they did care about him a lot , but couldnt see through it due to his negative thoughts and fears . Tears streaming down his face again , truly he was fighting himself , not the world . He realized these people actually care about him . He was needed . He was loved .It was him that needed to overcome his insecurity fears and doubts . Although , it wont be easy to overcome , but truly he has wonderful people to help him overcome it . He also made a new family . Reana and Shay , he cant wait to meet up with them And his fanily back at earth after he finishes saving the world . He truly , is blessed and glad he had wonderful people in his life . Rena and Shay opened up his eyes and made him realize that he was worth more than he thought he was . 

 He now can finally , truly and contently say , the palladins , shay and rena and his family back at earth , are his foundation . ❣️ 

 The end 💙❤️

[princessnowvie14]

ENOUGH (cutting ties with toxicity)

I know my love for you was real. But this time. That’s enough!

Enough pain, enough blaming, enough making me that there something wrong with me, enough making me feel crazy, enough of mind games, enough getting my energies, enough all the sacrifices i made for you, enough tolerating your trash behavior. Enough loving all your bad sides.

Being in love with a narcissist is like a curse, a guilty pleasure poison. You know it was bad for you, you know he can hurt you, you know he can destroy but somehow there’s a tiny peace of you that you still you wanna be part of the his script and be with him. His role playing, controllable movie but you must pretend to be a villain no matter how pure your heart is because that was the narc wants, for him to play the victim and put the blame in you from all his bad behavior.

I wanna embrace everything you put me through, stayed through the bad times. So dont blame me for leaving you, and told me i was not contented because I put myself first. Dont tell me Im selfish like you always do, because you were the one who always selfish, you never give me what i deserve, I lower my standards for you but put me down more.

I wanna fix you, all your mistakes. But the thing is you dont admit youre wrong instead you point out all my flaws and put me down every time Im asking you to change all your wrong doings. My weaknesses are your strength, you put a salt in my cuts. where I was wounded. and secure that im insecure that’s when I questioned my self worth. My love for you was real but I wasnt happy.

All the narc’s victim know how much this pain caused us. Mostly, when you decided you wanna get out of the relationship when u cutting all ties and no contact rule is a must.

I’ve learned that people like you cannot change, capable of loving and empathy and I cant make you a better person if you dont decide that you have to. Im tired of observing and guessing your true intentions when your actions are too blurry with mixed signals.

I feel like i’m always begging for your care, begging for you to be loyal. I couldnt even trust you. Cause I know face to face you cant hurt me so what more when i’m not around, I feel like you can always betray me. and my innocence about some things, you can use it for purpose, like you always do with people around you, You use people for your own benefits, use ur friends to boost ur ego, use them when we argue, use them when u want me to get jealous. You use people your own happiness but I know u still feel empty, i feel sorry for u, Cause nothing can fill ur loneliness and no one can help you, not even me. Even when i tried to I know that youd just destroy me, Your emptiness and void in ur heart will never be filled. 

You’re too hard to let go but I know I was making the right decision

I always thought you were my blessings, that I should accept everything about you, cause it felt like you were my soulmate. But as time passed by, all you did was immoral, normal people wouldnt do that, disgusting things, and acceptable behavior come up..

All your friends think you are a good man. Ofcourse that's what u want them to think of you, but how about when you unmask urself and show what the real you, The YOU the you showed me and your family. The YOU that you keep hiding from everyone else. The monster who destroyed emotions of people who loves you, but i know the inner child in you is a weak child who’s crying and wanna be saved but its too late.

Wish I could save you, but I’m drowning too. Wish I could bring back your childhood and make you feel better so you wont be damage. Sometimes as I look back, i see ur childhood face and wanna hug, i wish I could talk to you that child and tell him you are loveable, that theres someone like me who cares for him, Im not good in taking care of children though, but if life has given me the chance to make him feel wanted when he was young I will do everything to make him more secure. Sadly he developed a narcissistic behavior and I cant do nothing about that. Its stressing me out, Im not healed too, I know theres an inner child in me that was wounded too. My past wasnt that good, although not as bad as him but my anxiety has started because I have a narcissistic dad too.

You put me in a situation that I can no longer hold on, theres nothing left. My energy and my capacity to love has run low.. And no matter how much I love you, its damaging and harmful. All i ever wanted to do was to let go, to free ourselves from the pain. The separation is painful, but i didnt showed you. I pretended I was fine so you wont trigger my emotional self and hoover me. You know my weakness when I am into you, thats the thing I avoid. To make you think that I was affected in you. To make u feel that I am emotionally attach was your supply to boost your self confidence. You dont care about me / You didnt love. I accept that. You are incapable to do that and your brain is wired like that. And I understand, I wont change you, but I will walk out in ur role playing. Im not longer the main character nor the villain. Seeing you fading in my life too is gonna be hard but i know that will be the best thing, cause better person and the right will come alone. Thank you for the lesson you taught me,  for making my life miserable because of that I became stronger. you told me ill never be happy. I’ll prove to you. SOmeday I will get what I deserve a life that you will envy even more like you used to. And you will get what u deserve too, the pain you caused with everyone will make you feel emptier.... My love for you was real. But soon it will fade....and thats fine.

[jdogeeee]

since i can probably go ignored on here..

> for you, you disappointed me in the worst way. you turned out to be exactly the type of person i defended you and said you weren't. and for that, i hate you.

>for you, you dont care about my feelings. i dont think you care about anyone's feelings, really, but if you do, you don't care about how preserving your own feelings hurt other people. and you gave such a sorry excuse for an apology, i just give up with expecting anything more.

>for you, you are impulsive, you're selfish, you're jealous, you're self destructive, but yet, if your self destruction hurts others in the process, you aren't self destructive you're just fucking destructive. so fuck you for that. i regret ever meeting you. i regret not minding my business with you. i regret ever answering you, speaking to you, trying to help you. go fuck yourself.

>to you, you never listened to my advice anyway. look where it got you. I'm gonna help you through this new development, but now you're stuck with the decision you made.

>to you, I'm really starting to grow sick of you. slowly you've just become a grotesque distortion of how i used to know you. slowly we have less and less in common. slowly i grow more and more tired of you in smaller increments of time when i see you. you're just so negative. i dont think i need you, but im clinging to you because I've known you for so long.

>for you, i regret the decision i made with you. but im proud of you right now. I'm so proud of who i see that you're becoming. and i love you, and i love that you're happy. my wish is to stay in your life. i wouldn't let you go again.

>for me: I'm proud of you. i love you. I'm sorry that it took you so long to learn the lessons you had to learn all at once this year, but don't ever let yourself forget them. Not everyone's feelings are your fault. If your true friends love you, they will make you feel that way. If your true friends love you, they will genuinely want to help you when you really need them. No one is perfect and everyone has their fatal flaw, and it is ultimately your decision if you want to accept this flaw and stay or decide it's not for you and leave. Some people are stupid and naive and will never learn their lesson, and you can't keep giving them pieces of yourself to try and fix them...that's not your job. It's not a burden to come to someone when you need the emotional support. Just because you haven't spoken doesn't mean they've forgotten you... You fall in love with both hands on the wheel and jump in with both feet, but it hurts that much more when it ends. Please protect your heart. Love will come to you, and the first form you should accept is self love. You're not stupid for feeling insecure. You shouldn't ignore how you feel to spare other's feelings. Maybe your anger needs to be addressed, but I'll be damned if people get to judge you for it. Judge me when you're perfect.

anyway, i wrote this to motivate myself to take my final. cuz its a bunch of writing. if you saw this, no you didn't. leave me alone.

[tkpro-scenarios]

Ooooo this seems fun XD My tsukipro babies are getting more love now im so happy TwT Could i request hcs for solids and quells ideal s/o? (If its too much, you can always split it into separate posts, i dont mind) P.s. wish you admins the best of luck running this blog!! ^^

Hello! Mods are also so very happy our precious babies are getting more love~ Thank you so much, we’ll do our best!!Of course you can request for my (mod nana’s) SQ boys~!

We’ll make an exception this time but the rules clearly state the max is 5 characters for headcanons, this includes requesting for units as a whole as well (i.e. requesting for SolidS already = 4 characters so you can only request for one more character) so please keep that in mind for future requests! It’s fine to send in more than one ask but please keep them within the character request limit.

Since Vol. 4 already mentions a bit about the SolidS’ boys’ preferred types, I’m going to expand a little on that for some of these - mod nana

SOLIDS

Takamura Shiki

Confidence is key when wanting to impress Darling

Someone that can keep up with him but is also notafraid to stand their ground.

Someone who’s good at taking care of otherswould certainly catch his eye, especially if they’re not afraid to be strictand scold him when he’s pushing his limits.

“Shiki go to sleep.”

“Sleep is for the weak.”

“Shiki go to sleep right now or so help me, I’mgonna pull the plug off the monitor.”

He’d like someone with a good head on theirshoulders, who thinks logically and overcomes situations with grace.

His s/o would have to be pretty independent.They should be able to go places and do things by themselves since he mostlikely won’t be around most of the time. (But he’ll def more than make up forit when he gets the chance)

Anyone that can deal with SoliRadi!Shiki hasboth my blessings and condolences.

He’s also not all that big on PDA so don’texpect anything much other than maybe holding hands.

His s/o needs to understandand be okay with the fact that he won’t be very vocal about his affections sowhile he might not say “I love you” all that often, they should know he verymuch means it during the times he does.

Someone who’s passionate about something! No matter what it is, as long as it’s something they love and have a goal they’re working hard for, it would definitely catch his heart.

Okui Tsubasa

Honey wants someone that’ll give him attention and isjust fun to be around. Ifthey’re older, he’d probably like it if they spoiled him a little.

Again, confidence is key! But so is playing alittle hard to get, he likes the chase.

This shameless bitch boy does not shyaway from affection so be prepared to suddenly make out in the middle of a busystreet in broad daylight. Of course, he wouldn’t mind an s/o that’s shy aboutPDA (he’d even find it cute) but if they’re too shy then he’ll most likely getbored.

While he loves teasing his s/o, he’d love iteven more if they’re able to turn the tables or pull the rug from underneathhim, so a quick wit would really get his heart racing. He loves people that cankeep him on his toes!

The outgoing, social type would catch his eye in a heartbeat. He will tend to get jealous pretty easily if his s/oacts a little too close towards other people though.

Being fashion forward would be a big plus. He’d love to go shopping—even just window shopping—and look atdifferent kinds of clothes, accessories, etc. together or exchange opinions on styles

He’s the type to hide his insecurities behind his cheeky attitude and work hard behind the scenes so someone that can see through that andconfront him about it in private, or silently watch over him to make sure hedoesn’t get too in over his head would definitely hold a special place in hisheart.

Sera Rikka

Since he’s the mom, always taking care of others, he definitely needs someone that’ll take care of him.

Someone that he can act selfish around and is willing to spoil him when he needs it.

Someone that carries themselves well and has a graceful air about them would definitely turn his head.

While he is a model and an idol, his s/o doesn’t necessarily need to be fashion forward but it would be a plus point. Even if they don’t know much about fashion trends and whatnot, Rikka would probably just end up teaching them about it or help out in coordinating outfits.

Please cook for him or together with him. He will love that so so much.

He’s always keeping an eye on those around him, the type that wants to avoid stepping on anyone’s toes so someone that’ll take the initiative to ask him what he wants for once would really leave an impression on his heart.

He’d be pretty professional when out in public so PDA would most likely be just holding hands, maybe a kiss or two. He’d love an s/o that’d surprise him with quick pecks on the cheek or just random hugs.

Murase Dai

He’s a very quiet person so someone that’s comfortable with that. He’d really appreciate someone who doesn’t mind passing the time with comfortable silence.

While his s/o themselves can be talkative, he’d like it if they understand that he won’t have a comment or reply for every single thing.

Someone who’s willing to buy desserts on his behalf. Or even make them for him.

He’s a very shy person so his s/o needs to be patient enough to let him slowly get used to showing affections and initiate things.

PDA would be little to none, at least at first. Maybe holding hands? (but he’ll be blushing the whole time.) So someone that’s okay with that.

Since he’s always treated as the little brother of the group, he’d appreciate someone that’s willing to rely on him from time to time.

He’s too shy to ask for things like hugs and kisses so someone that gets the message even without him having to explicitly say it. Please cuddle with this tsundere puppy.

QUELL

Izumi Shu

He’d love someone that has a gentle aura around them, someone he can be comfortable around without the need for words.

Since he lost his mother at an early age, he’d probably be drawn to someone motherly.

Like Shiki, he’s also very busy and won’t be around much so an s/o that understands that work takes up most of his time and is willing to watch over him.

He tends to take a lot of things upon himself so someone that pulls him aside and makes him talk about his worries and reminds him that he is not alone and doesn’t need to do everything by himself.

Someone that just really helps him relax and keeps him grounded. Makes him take a nap or takes him out somewhere to clear his head and just makes him talk about stuff and give their advice.

Someone that reminds him that he is loved. Shower this man with love and affection, he deserves it SO much ; w ;

He’s a fairly affectionate person but more so in private so an s/o that’ll kiss him silly when he needs an energizer and surprises him with kisses and cuddles.

Horimiya Eichi

He doesn’t really have a type as such. Just someone that’s fun to be around and enjoys his company.

He’s a rather active person so an s/o that can keep up with his energy. Someone that’ll take a stroll with him or go on outdoor adventures together.

Being as obsessed with taking photos/videos as Eichi is (he was an AD after all), his s/o needs to be comfortable enough to let him do that. Lots of selfies and dumb videos. Of course it’s perfectly alright to be a little camera shy! He’d never make someone do something they don’t want to.

An s/o that loves cuddling and hugging. Be warned though: once he has you in his arms, he’ll never let you go.

Someone that can remind him to take it down a notch when he puts too much on his plate as Quell’s mom and an idol. He’s always taking care of the others so his s/o should remind him that he deserves to be taken care of as well.

An s/o that can cook! Please make him a home-cooked meal, he’ll be on cloud nine.

He’d find it really hard not to show PDA. “His s/o is just so cute he wants to kiss them right then and there!”—a person that’s a little shy about that but still returns his feelings.

Kuga Issei

He would be drawn to the motherly type, but would also be attracted to a bright, outgoing person.

Being the quiet boy he is, he would like to be with someone that can help him break out of his shell—even just a little. The kind of person that can take him by the hand and show him new experiences.

Like Dai, he would also like someone that’s comfortable with his quietness.

Of course an s/o that cares for and gets along with Ichiru is a must!

He’s still learning how to be a proper idol and be more social so someone that he can lean on for support and can give him advice. Someone he feels comfortable sharing his worries with.

Because Issei often gets taken care of by Ichiru as well as by Shu and Eichi, he’d like an s/o that sees that he can be reliable as well. He is a big brother after all!

As far as PDA goes, he doesn’t particularly mind as long as his s/o is okay with it but he would rather do things like kissing in private. He doesn’t want someone that’ll smother him with affection though. Sometimes taking it slow is fine, isn’t it?

His s/o should also understand that he does things at his own pace. He’ll properly tell them his feelings when he does.

Kuga Ichiru

He would also be attracted to the motherly type, a shy person but one who isn’t afraid to speak their mind when they need to. He’d probably have similar tastes as his brother.

At the same time, an s/o that’s not afraid to bite back would definitely give him a run for his money!

Someone that can keep him grounded. He tends to leap before he looks and often loses himself to his emotions, so his s/o should be able to reel him back in and firmly reprimand him when he goes too far.

He’s a bigger tsundere than Dai so patience and the ability to laugh off his (often unintended) harsh words will go a long way. Someone that understands that he’s not exactly the best at honestly expressing his feelings when he’s flustered.

His s/o should also be respecting and accepting of the fact that Issei will often take more priority than anything else.

He would instantly fall for someone that gets along well with both him and Issei.

Again, he’s a tsundere so his s/o should be prepared to get yelled at for surprising him with a sudden display of affection.

“I-Idiot! Wh-What do you think you’re doing?!”

“I’m just holding your hand. You don’t want to?”

“Hmph! I-It’s not like I like doing this or anything…”

His blush and tightening grip say otherwise.

He doesn’t want an s/o that constantly spoils him or dotes on him. Just because he’s the youngest of the group does not make him any less reliable!

[tayegi]

Lu thank you for once again not making the o/c some weak character I love that you aren’t afraid to say you know what I don’t need a man to save me or guess what girls can go out and have sex to get over things too. I love that you write flawed characters.Your writing always paints a picture a real one that human beings can be messy so thank you for that. Also hope you’re having an awesome day.

Anonymous said:i love how u make OC to forgive Mijoo at the end of the chapter!

Anonymous said:Wow I am really loving New Rules. The OC's personality is really refreshing I don't typically see that in a lot of other fics I've read. I really like her maturity and how she thinks about the implications of her actions but at the same time shes had so much bottled up that she loses herself. Idk I am sensing a lot of complex emotions from it and I really like it! Thanks for writing even though you have a ton of things to do in the real world I appreciate it!!! 💕

Anonymous said:I barely finished reading New Rules pt 2 and the OC is just amazing???? Not just for forgiving Mijoo, but because of how she’s outspoken yet kind she is and how much she values her relationships. I aspire to be like her tbh. This isn’t just limited to the OC in New Rules though. Your other OCs are freaking great too and your works are some of the best!!!! I can’t wait to see what more you have in store for us :)

Anonymous said:Damn I love the OC in New Rules she's so mature & is handling the situations so calmly like I could learn a thing or two & it might be my wishful thinking but I have a feeling the OC will have her happy ending & that Mijoo will get what she deserves because karmas real & life always seems to come in full circle Mijoo will lose jimin the way she got him which was by her selfishness or at least I hope

Anonymous said:The maturity displayed by OC is admirable. I'd like to think I could handle the situation with as much grace. To be honest I wanted OC to rage at Minjoo and tell her what was what. I can relate to OC with her issues about trust. It wasn't a girl that broke my trust it was an ex boyfriend. I loved him, confessed to him, and he disappeared from my life. But before that he was perfectly content to play my feelings and sleep with me. Even with all that I still believe in true love.

Anonymous said:What a way to be the bigger person and rise above. That is a true feminist no matter how wrong Mijoo was you cannot let jealousy take away your morals. But why do I feel like there's a storm coming? I understand that Mijoo is her friend and she forgives her but she wont forget anytime soon. Afterall they're now a couple so they'll be everywhere so more instances to drown in the poison that is Jungkook. This is very interesting with a different take on female relationships can't wait for more!!

Anonymous said:I think I kinda learn from your fics?¿ If I were actually at oc's place in new rules I would have just stopped talking to her. But if takes a more mature route and thus in future I'll try not to fight with my friends on some stupid shit like that. Love 💚💚

Anonymous said:I really like how you kept the oc and mijoo's friendship. I know a lot of people who ruin their friendship over some boy and it breaks my heart that they let a stupid boy get in the way of their friendship. I'm happy that you're showing the values of friendship. There are a lot of people who neglect this connection and/or think of friendship less than being in a romantic relationship when it should both be valued.

Anonymous said:(this is the inner dialogue anon) I also wanted to add that I really really appreciate you making the oc a so-called ice queen when she simply doesn't see her own value, thus acts in a way where she makes her emotions not matter, even though they truly do! furthermore, i loved that you put that while the oc was ok with sexual interactions, she was not ok w romantic, more sensual intimacy... ppl like that really do exist, and I'm so thankful that they were shown through ur fic! love you ❤️

Anonymous said:inner dialogue anon again - lemme just add as a final note, i really respect the oc for her not going crazy over mijoo backstabbing her, and forgiving her to the best of her abilities. that's how i wish i could be in situations like that

Anonymous said:I understand now what you were aiming for in regards to the whole Mijoo thing! Def in real life I wouldn't act as rationally at first (you said you'd be petty af lol same) but its your writing and you can choose for a character to be problematic or as ideal as you want! Definitely caught me off guard, which I like! I'm so glad you're one of my favorite writers, promoting maturity and women empowerment in your way!

Anonymous said:I honestly hope I can find friends as loyal and understanding as oc, I wasn't expecting her to be so forgiving! I'm so used to reading stories where friendships are torn apart over love, this was interesting. I was mad at mijoo too, but when I thought about it, if I had such strong feelings, I can't be certain I wouldn't have done what she did. Still, I hope oc comes clean to mijoo eventually about her feelings for jimin, it can't be healthy bottling all that away:/ keeping up the amazing work!!

Anonymous said:I wanna know what the OC went through with her past friendships to be so adamant about forgiving Mijoo. I’ve been following you for awhile now so with that said, I’m positive you have some plots up your sleeve ohoh I’m excited!! I just really want OC to find her happiness though ): whether it be a fantastic man or a great friend that’ll value her as much as she values them! I’m just glad to see a character that’s not out to destroy other females though. Once again love your writing!!

Anonymous said:Lu! The thing is that I like your OC’s they’re powerful,with that I mean that they have attitude and they aren’t submissive nor humiliated,also they don’t tolerate shit from nobody I don’t understand sometimes when girls want guys getting jealous 😳

Anonymous said:i have to say i relate to the oc of new rules so much? like all of my closest friends always telling me to stop forgiving people so easily and to stop being so insecure but ive NEVER been able to do it and reading this just hit me like a ton of bricks because wow even though i act strong i seem like such a pushover? thank you lu for writing such human characters that have bits of reader's personalities! i love you and im extremely excited to read the rest of the story :-))))

moeeshah said:I'm actually very pleased with how the OC confronted Mijoo. It shows how mature she is. Granted, I really was hoping the OC to have revenge, but I'm glad she didn't and o respect her for it. And I respect you for deciding she wouldn't stoop so such a level. Can't wait to see how the story plays out.

Anonymous said:omgg i love new rules so much!! i really like how the oc decided to forgive mijoo unlike most fics where the oc decides to do something hasty like take revenge and it jus messes everything up?? jungkook's character is so funny and hot im all for this.. thank u for writing a masterpiece!!!!

Ah everyone is more than welcome to their own interpretation of the ending but I have to admit that these kind of comments makes my heart happy. It’s one thing to feel anger, but I was secretly hoping that there might be a lesson for ppl to learn to be the bigger man from this fic and this made me so pleased. Thank you, guys

[breezmo]

i wish i had a sign, to pursue, to continue, to wait, to hold on, to let go, because i dont know what the fuck to do. this is going to be my last "breakup" post, so i might as well let everything out.

no one told me this would be so hard. i understood how heartbreak worked but putting logic to it doesnt help. no one told me how much everything changes, how i cant look at my body in the mirror and imagine the lovemarks he gave me, how i cant eat frosted flakes without remembering how i never even liked them until he gave me some at his house, how i can barely look at my cat without thinking about his. no one told me that when you lose a lover, you're not just losing that but also an entire family. im not grieving losing just him, but his cats and his mother and even his mothers significant other. no one told me how laughing throughout the day hurts more then just expressing that im not doing good. no one told me id be so damn weak, that i cant even look at him without taking in a sharp breath like ive been punched in the stomach, or how easily i get jealous and low when i hear him laugh wondering "whos making you laugh?". no one explained to me that i cant listen to any music without thinking of him, or how badly i want to hate him but i just cant. how even if ive gotten rid of pretty much everything of his or that he gave me, hes still everywhere. in my clothes, on my couch, in my kitchen, in my shower. no one told me how hard it would be to shower, realizing how much bigger my shower feels without him. no one explained any of this and i wish soneone did, but to be honest it probably wouldnt have prepared me.

my great grampa died of a broken heart, heart failure barely a little after his wife died. i thought that was dumb, but now i feel a crushing ache in my chest, and i cant breathe, and my heart really does ache.

i want to switch schools and i should have by now but im selfish, im so selfish, im trying so hard just to be able to see him even if it hurts so bad. i made this account to heal and figure myself out, on a playform where he wont see, to keep myself from checking his accounts on other social medias. now all i check is email, but even then, im trying to stop.

i realize how badly i hurt him, im not the victim here, and honestly i try and convince myself that hes fine but deep down i can feel that he isnt. i just hope every night he sleeps well, knowing i cant message him reassuring to do it, i hope that he hates me honestly, because i would too. i want him to hate me because at least hate isnt this, i could never ask for him to be in this sort of pain. i said so many things i want to take back, done so many things i could have included him in, i was just so scared that i would get too attached, but it looks like i did anyway.

and when, or if he switches schools, i know thatll break me even more then im broken now, but i hope that hes happy if he switches. i hope he gets an amazing friend group and an amazing significant other that can treat him how i didnt. part of me wants to be angry and get stuck up and say shit like "you cant find anyone better then me" but i know he can, and i hope he does, and i hope i find someone who will help heal and fill the void and help me grow instead of pour weed killer on me and blame it on me being mean.

I wish nothing bad to come of him, and thats how i can tell that i love him so very much. i hope that hes ok, or will be ok, and as much as i wish i could embrace him for the last time and tell him how much i love him, i dont want it to hurt him more. i planned so much with him beside me, and itll hurt doing it alone, but whos to say that there isnt another person out there for me?

im so greatful for what hes taught me, and im so greatful for my friends that i have. i lost so many because of him, his fears, or his dislikes for them. i changed how i viewed my closest friends because he didnt like my current views. im so greatful for my best friend, whom i love so much, because hes been nothing but supportive and respecting that i dont need a lover, i need a friend, and hes probably been my lifeline throughout this. A prince charming.

it hurts so much, and me saying all of this is to reassure myself its ok to feel like this. i know it wont take away the pain, or the hurt, or the insecurities he left me with, but i know at least i didnt have anything left to say at this point other then

i love you.

And i gotta move on, because it will never work out with him, no matter how badly i want it to. this is my last sad sappy post, thank you random people if you got this far, and stay safe!

[palace-of-freedom]

I'm drained.

I want everyone to leave me alone, but i want them to care and ask me how i am. I want people around, but I also want to cry and i cant cry around people- i hate doing it. I just want to cry and cry and cry.

The one thing that was keeping me going was just get through life till april. that was it. Then it became May. Now I'm waiting till July for my friends to come back. and then within 2 months, they all leave. And this year is gonna be much much much harder to get through and I dont know if I'm strong enough to handle it. I dont think I am, but its not like I have much of a choice. Anyway now I'm just telling myself to make it through till september 2020. But that's waaaay too far away. I dont have that kind of strength or patience.

i dont want to be here. I dont want to be anywhere. I dont want to be abandoned. I dont want to have to deal with people leaving. I just want to be happy, but the only happiness I can get is induced happiness. Happiness from alcohol or sugar, excercise or music. I literally cannot cope right now. I can't feel anything but all consuming sadness. I want to scratch my skin off. I want to bite my lips off. I want to rip my head off. The latter will at least solve some of my problems. I want to *poof* into thin air and thats it...be done with everything.

Too much is changing and I cant deal with it. I dont know where even to begin. I think a good starting point is when i had to break up with my boyfriend of two years. That shattered me. Going through the breakup and hearing the words he said to me - it ruined me. It broke my confidence. It took away all my self worth. I saw myself as a selfish, worthless, useless bitch. I tried to be nice to everyone to compensate for that side of me - the bad side. I tried to be there for everyone. I wanted to be the nice, sweet person I used to be, but it was difficult to even muster up a smile. It was tough to be as observant as I was. I became lost in the negative thoughts so I tried looking for only positivity in the world. Through most of my 13th grade, the only feeling I remember having is being drained. My only clear memories are crying in school washrooms. The good memories are still there, but they're vague. I remember sitting outside school with some of my best friends and just talking for half an hour at least, every single day. I remember going for movies. I remember going to the park. I remember walking around the school and drinking lemonade with my best friend during break. But for the life of me, I can't remember what conversations we used to have (good ones). I can tell you all the bad though. I can tell you about everyone's drama. I can tell you about the fights I had with my best friend. I can tell you about every single bad grade I got. I can tell you about my very stupid crush on a guy who wasnt good for me and all the consequences it had on my mental health.

Actually lets delve into this crush. So i liked this guy for six months on and off, just a few months after my break up and that left me feeling like I had no worth or value. And over that, my ex used to keep messaging every few days telling me how selfish i was, how i fucked up his life, how everything was my fault, how i was too sensitive and how the two years he spent with me were just completely worthless to him. This new guy, was the complete opposite. Where all others invalidated me or told me I wasnt capable of anything, he told me I had skill and talent. That I would make it in a career I was doubtful of choosing. He made me feel better about myself. He was very positive and optimistic and being around that gave me that happiness I lost after my break up. He was easy to talk to. He genuinely listened to me. He opened up to me quite a lot. It made me feel validated. Accepted. Cared about. Something that was lacking from most others. So we began talking a lot. Whatsapp conversations, Skype calls, phone conversations..it was endless and it was addictive. It felt good. It felt like a high. The sad thing about highs is that the higher you go, the lower you fall. There's no helping it. I crashed flat on the earth once that high faded away, and there wasnt even a relationship. it was more of a teenage, childish crush that everyone, but me, could see end in disaster. In fact I think I was called a stupid idiot at least a 1000 times for even thinking about the guy that way. What went wrong was he couldn't see me that way, and he had a crush on two other girls during that same time. And on the night of my birthray, he sent me these really long paragraphs about how he was sorry that he couldn't feel anything for me, but that me liking him gave him a big confidence boost.

That summer i moved on from him, but it cracked another piece of me. I redeveloped feelings for my ex, who i hadnt seen in a year, apart from stalking him, and i chased happiness by stalking him on instagram. It gave me satisfaction to see he was happy, but it also made me jealous. The problem was all of this stalking was done through my best friend's account and he wasnt happy. He yelled at me for stalking and said some other stuff that I dont remember, and then went on to ignore me for 3 days because of that. A month later another very good friend decided she had it with me and walked out of my life as well. she believed I was too biased and that we couldnt be friends anymore because I fucked up. Again. I dont regret it...but i dislike losing people, but somehow its just become a thing. Everyone leaves. I fuck up. All people fuck up, but I think my fuck ups are bigger than most. The consequences are more drastic.

despite losing so many people that summer and the amount of arguments I had to go through, it was still the best summer of my life, because the friends that did stick around made it worthwhile. They made life fun. I felt happy. Thats when i realized that I dont need any of the people who walked out to keep me happy. I needed the ones who stuck around. The new friends. The people i vibed with better. People who actually listened to what I had to say and valued my thought process. We had fun and I was growing up, driving, cooking and it felt nice.

But then I had to go to India, and it was a major setback. All the growth was down the drain. More arguments came behind me. More fights. More detachment from people I cared about. and some death. I fell into a bad slump. It lasted throughout my first year of university and got better only when my friends came back from abroad and the fun hangouts started again.

I spent the entire first year of university only arguing with my closest friends from school. There were lots of tears, lots of emotions...and a conditioned thought - everybody leaves. My best friend of 15 years couldn't stay in my life so why should anyone else? It comes down to me - I'm that bad a human being. I'm that intelorable. My value in another person's life is that little.

My fear of abandonment has always been bad. But now its almost unmanageable because its mixed with a lot of insecurity. so now I want to push people away. I want to hurt them. I want to distance from everyone. And if I feel like a shitty human being on the inside, I may as well act like one on the outside. At least it'll hurt less when everyone walks away, because people have time limits and expiry dates. But at the same time, I dont want to hurt anyone. so now im just worming to kill all my expectations, stop asking or demanding anything from anyone - then at least the pain of it all decreases. maybe then at least, receiving bad news from a friend, or having a friend annoyed at me, or finding out people are going abroad, wont feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. it'll just feel like a punch. And you can live through punches. It hurts for a few minutes and then its all ok. you heal. You find an escape, and right now, im plotting mine.

[consciouslysubconscious]

2-15

if you are reading this, please-- read till the end. 

im sorry for everything. there are no words to convey how sorry i am let alone how i regret the choices ive made. my apologies may have lost its meaning to you, but i can only tell you that i am sorry. 

im sorry that you believed every words i said, and that they gave you hope and expectations. 

im sorry that things are this way; even worse than before, possibly unmendable now, as you said i fucked it up. 

everything and anything i say may not have any weight to you, but i just wanted to tell you...should you see this that is. 

i know we cut all communications, and i feel that it is for the best. maybe, i dont know. i hope youre doing better, but i hope that youre happy. i know we shared good memories and good times together, and i will forever cherish that. you have taught me so much, given me so much joy, and shown me what love is, and i am forever grateful for that. 

once you love someone, you never stop loving them-- and youre right. i cant stop loving you. i try to erase you and forget about you, but it is impossible. this agony over the memories and love i still have for you haunts me, and the mistakes i made over our relationship makes me hate myself for what i did. 

i know i hurt you, and i know the wounds run deep. im sorry..

im still jealous, im still angry. im jealous that i couldnt be with you over valentines day, let alone talk to you, or even see you at any day of the week. im angry that i still hurt you and let you down. im bitter at the fact that youre happy with someone else, and another guy makes you smile and loves you the way i couldnt. i hate the fact that you talk to him like we used to, and i hate that i lost my best friend. maybe thats why its so hard to forgive myself--you werent just someone i loved, but my best friend that i shared everything with. 

my words have no weight or meaning to you at this point probably... and its understandable. my actions contradict my words--words are cheap. and actions speak louder than words right? i know you hoped to see me change, so that maybe given enough time you can trust me again. but every time, something happens. 

i am growing. and i am learning. im learning from my mistakes, and im growing daily in the word and in my heart. im constantly gardening my heart for the rocks, weeds, and thorns that crowd and try to suppress my growth, but sometimes i fail. i knew there wasnt going to be a radical change where i suddenly become a minister or a pastor, but i know for a fact that ive changed. its undeniable, this change in my heart, and outlook i have now--if there were a way to show you, i would. but its the quiet and slow growth of the roots i spread and foundation i build thats not visible. my mistakes are loud and clear, but the small, daily battles i win and progress i make are not. 

i guess in this sense i wanted to be with you through my growth, with you next to me, encouraging me and going through this together. but i know you need to trust me first, and in order for that to happen you need to see the fruits first. and im trying--im sowing my seeds and im watering it, taking care of it. but even now i still make mistakes, and i stumble and fall. but the joy that i now find afterwards is that i can look towards God and rejoice in the fact that although i faltered i am no longer bound by sin but free to seek Him in a new way. I know thats not the case right now. but more and more i find that it takes time...everything takes time. i mean i guess i tried to force this seedling of mine to bear fruit, but its impossible. and i guess in this sense that i thought you could forgive me and come back... but thats not something i could ask of you. 

you dont have to believe me, or care about what i have to say...but i just wanted you to know. 

i miss you so much. i still love you and i cant stop thinking about you. youre in my prayers daily and i resist the urge to check on you as i did before. i ignored the fact that its impossible to erase you, in hopes that it might not be true, but that only made me think about you more. 

i still have hope, for some odd reason. even when you told me i messed up past the point of no return, that you hope i dont mess it up for the next girl. maybe im just stupid, an idiot for thinking that way. but i just cant help it, not being able to let go. 

i keep urging you to let go and forget about me because im selfish. i guess i wanted you to erase me so that it would somehow help me forget about you too. i thought that if i reminded myself everyday that youre with someone new i would grow to forget about you. 

i hope that maybe, just maybe in the future, when my growth is apparent and fruits of my labor have been gathered, that we could try again. i hope that you can forgive me and trust me again, and even love me for who i am. i hope that im not as petty and stupid as i am now, that we can both start a new chapter together and finish our books together. i dont want to dwell on my mistakes, who you dated before, and all these insecurities and petty issues i worried over. i hope we can start new, if ever comes a time. 

you know, i completely forgot that you knew about this blog... i had other ones that i ranted to but i guess its just what i wrote when i needed to put my feelings into words

i hope what i wrote didnt make you hate me more or anything

im sorry that i lost my patience and temper with you when we last talked. i said things i didnt mean, and i hope you can forgive me in your heart. life without you is different, and it sucks in a lot of ways... i hope its not the same for you. 

i hope youre happy, and i hope youre doing well. i hope youre studying hard and doing well in school too. i really wish the best for you, in everything that you do... 

i really hope youre happy above all because of how much sadness i brought you

i want to see you succeed and grow too--beyond the woman you are now, to a person that id probably find even more irresistible

i dream, i hope, and i pray for another chance, another shot at being with you. please, i hope that that you dont judge me too harshly by my mistakes, but rather take a moment to let me show you, however long it takes, that im ready. 

the fool i am,  i think too much...maybe i hope too much as well

i saw the incredibles trailer today and thought, the movie is coming out in june. maybe by then ill be able to take her to see it

i dont know. maybe you’ll still be with him, and maybe i wont have grown much. 

i mean, it took David 20yrs to grow to be a king... hopefully i could have grown to a point where you can trust me again

you always liked surprises--in a way, maybe you expected it. confusing as it may be, you’ll probably know what im talking about should this be later in the future.

i dont know. anything can happen, but i dont view that phrase the same way anymore. i only saw it in a bad way, that anything bad could happen. in a way, its true, since life isnt always full of ups. i could have more downs and dips, but i just hope and pray that they only work to strengthen me further. 

happy late valentines day i guess. hope you spent it well with him (not rly idk). its a day of love, and i still love you, so yeah. 

good bye, until we talk again i guess. i know im not supposed to talk to you but i’ll probably end up reaching out some day or something.... 

i dont know

we’ll see since anything can happen

[pleaseimtryingtogetbetter-blog]

An In-depth Analysis of Myself: the first critique

All the names are changed, and upon looking at the title there will be no end of self analysis. just letters upon letters to me, about me. This was written a few months ago, so who knows how im feeling now. try not to jude me too hard, whoever you are.

I'm so tired of feeling like crap about myself. I have good days and I have bad days. I'm so insecure no matter how hard I try to be confident. I like who I am on the inside, not the out. I know they say the outside doesn't match the inside, but what if it did? Is my outside appearance a direct reflection of who I am inside? Why do I look like this? Why wasn't I born beautiful?

I'm always going to be a big girl. And I'm slowly becoming okay with that. My legs don't bother me, or my arms. It's my middle. My large broad shoulders, the rolls of back fat that ruin any dress or short sleeve. And my big huge stomach that's never satisfied. I hate anything right on my body, anything that sticks to my skin makes me uncomfortable. I need things to be loose to hide the larger components of my body. Most just say eat right and work out, and while I agree, it's not that easy. All my life people think it’s okay to comment on my weight. The doctors, my family, and people who claim to be my friends. It ha always taken a dark toll on me, i developed self destructive behavior at such a young age part of me thought I was lying to myself. That I made up the eating disorder. I never ate anything. For some reason, it didn't bother anyone. They thought i was dieting because i only ate once a day. I got really skinny for my body type that summer. Going into middle school i slowly got better, until i was unhealthy in the opposite extreme. My parents ask why couldn't i put myself on another diet like i had before, they didnt realize i was sick. i didnt realize i was sick. i realized they couldn't see what i was doing to myself. For a while, I thought i was doing really well. I didn't deny myself what i wanted, and i felt comfortable.

Of course like all good things, it came to an end. I don't want to project this on anything other than myself, but i cant help but blame others. For some reason, i thought that since i was going to therapy i was getting better. Unfortunately thats not all that goes into it. The therapist can only do so much, the rest comes from you. Compared to my junior year, senior was way better. Or so i thought. Scholastically, senior year was better. My relationship with my mother was better. Everything should be going my way, but I'm still unhappy. I thought i kicked depressions ass, because i didn't feel so gray all the time anymore, once i realized i had everything i needed to be happy, good grades, great friends, and college acceptance, yet i wasnt, and that told me i wasn't cured just yet. I feel lousy all the time, plagued by mediocrity. Which can stem to all kinds of other issues, but for now let’s focus on my dissolving self confidence. Its not just my body i hate but my face too. My acne is crippling, getting worse everyday. Makeup doesnt do the trick anymore. At the end of the day the makeup wipe reveals the true ugliness beneath, not like the mask was any better. And for a while, i challenged myself to not wear makeup for a while. Sadly that only lasted a few days. You can have a great day, and one comment can ruin you. You see, my makeup less face oddly gave me confidence. Confidence to show who i truly am and to let myself breath. Ultimately, one comment destroyed that all in .002 seconds.

Remember how i said i didn't want to reject blame? Well I'm going to try and justify other peoples actions anyway. Jake is one of my friends. Honestly for a little bit i thought i liked him, but i only liked the attention and i often looked to him for validation because it was the only male friendship without any strict platonic mood placed on it. I can be honest with myself and admit that i was mainly attracted to the idea of us together because he was new, and i could make someone else jealous. However the stark difference between us enlightened me to see that we could never be together because we would never work. He is the opposite of what i want. He isn't goal driven and is often derogatory. Yet, I still look to him for validation just the same. Anyway, for some unknown reason, the last month he has made constant comments on my appearance. Im not entirely sure if he always did this, and I'm just barely noticing, or he is stating because we are slowly becoming more comfortable with one another. He has made comments that have really hurt my feelings. And it is a consistent behavior with him. He has made comments on my weight, my body, my height, my behavior, and my acne. He has made attacks on almost every inch of my being. And what angers me the most is that i often defend hid behavior to my friends. The last few weeks, there has not been a class period where i have left without feeling gross about myself. I excuse this behavior because i know he is equally insecure about everything i am in different perspectives. Yet, this behavior towards me is not acceptable. His comments destroy any inch of confidence i have left in me. I try not to comment on peoples appearance and if i have, i apologize. Jake also suffers from acne and we talk about it a lot. On my no makeup challenge, i anticipated a comment from him, and i shouldn't have to. he said “now that I've seen your real acne i feel better about mine” How does he think thats okay to say to someone who is obviously insecure about how they look? I wear heavy makeup, and he has commented on that as well. Why do people feel the need to comment on my appearance and attack the most vulnerable parts of me? If it can't be fixed in 5 minutes don't say anything. His verbal abuse, while unbeknownst to him, real contributes to my own self hatred. It fuels my fear of being unwanted. He is a close friend, but also a bully in my life.

Fear of being unwanted undoubtably comes from my father abandonment. He left at a young age for reasons I'm too scared to know and i have zero memories of him. I am extremely thankful for my mother and all she has done for me, but there isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about him. Why did he leave? Was he not ready for a child? He has other children with another women and i often wonder if they know about me. Either unfortunately or fortunately, daddy issues is a common trope in todays society. I connect with many characters in media. Like Barney from How I Met Your Mother, Rebecca from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, and Gabriel Iglesias’ own experience with his father. Like them, my father tried to contact me when i was about 15. Ultimately i said no and did not want contact with him. At 18, i am still not comfortable with the idea of having a relationship with him. He has hurt me deeply and I am not ready to forgive him for that. His abandonment makes me feel like i wasn't enough for him, and that i never will be. Probably the reason i find it so hard to connect with males. I can never truly trust them, much like i can never truly trust anyone because everyone leaves me in the end.

One thing i want to talk about is what happened with Oliver. He is not guilty in any reason, and if you look at it, a minuscule problem in my life. I finally got the guts to tell him how i feel about him, i kinda chicken out and wrote him a letter, but writing my feelings is more therapeutic than saying it, clearly. I told him knowing a relationship wouldn't result. And i think that that is the only reason that made me do it. Yes i genuinely have feelings for him, but i am no way ready for a relationship. Of course i want to make him happy and be with him, but i don't want to know what real heartbreak is, because I'm pretty sure i am heartbroken over myself. If that makes any sense at all. Anyway, i was denied and am okay with it. But it is another experience that makes me feel unworthy of anything real. I have never had anyone show interest in me, and while it is superficial, i long for a little attention. To verify that i am wanted. That i am beautiful. All of which i do not believe in, i want others to, and that is unhealthy. 

Compared to my friends, who are gorgeous, i am the ugly duckling, and I'm okay admitting to it because i know no one else will. Actually my relationships with everyone seem as artificial as my hair color. All my friendships and family relationships seem to be temporary. I know everyone has someone they like more than me. Jennifer is my best friend, but i know she secretly prefers Rebecca or Penelope over me anytime. Daisy is one of my best friends, but i know my recent actions have made her hate me and i walk on eggshells with her now. Isabella is like my sister but i know I'm a third option to her. Behind Yolanda and Trina, and Brandon, Im someone in the background to fall back on. Vanessa is someone i treasure but i know she would prefer a night out with Kristina or anyone else. I know it’s selfish to want to be someones priority, but feeling unimportant to everyone is real hell. I feel like people keep me around because I'm dependable, and I'm tired of it. I look out for everyone, so who the hell looks out for me?

I do the most for my friends. I go above and beyond for everyone, and i notice i set the bar so high for friendship i feel like i don't have any. I want someone to be there for me like i am for everyone else. I look at myself as a lone wolf, but being alone weakens you faster. I am unable to look inside myself and find real strength. All i find is weakness.

I am sick to my stomach because i am so disgusted with myself. I am scared out my mind because no one notices I'm not okay. I cant ask for help, because i don't want people to look at me differently. I am very candid with the fact that i am mentally ill, and pride myself that i go to therapy, but laying a lot of my flaws out on the table is not easy. i know that this paper does not contain all things that i do not like about myself, but for now it is an installment.

If I ever send this to you, i am not attacking you. I am not looking for attention or compliments or sympathy. I am simply being honest with myself and need to write it out. I am hurt and i can feel a self destructive behavior coming over me and this is a signal to be on alert for any alarming actions i might do. Do not smother me, it will only anger me. Do not bombard me with questions about my sanity or overly ask if I'm okay, as i am not clearly sure myself. If you reached this point i am worried that you are scared for me, and my safety. And while i feel that I am being dramatic and this is a crazy disclaimer, this is NOT a suicide note. I am not going to kill myself. I could never do that to my family and cannot put Jennifer through another suicide. If I ever send you this, I am sharing something very personal and ask you to keep this just between us and not show anyone else. I am someone who struggles with low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, sleep issues, and deep rooted fears. And while it may seem contradictory to what i have previously stated, I will be okay.