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An In-depth Analysis of Myself: the first critique

All the names are changed, and upon looking at the title there will be no end of self analysis. just letters upon letters to me, about me. This was written a few months ago, so who knows how im feeling now. try not to jude me too hard, whoever you are.

I'm so tired of feeling like crap about myself. I have good days and I have bad days. I'm so insecure no matter how hard I try to be confident. I like who I am on the inside, not the out. I know they say the outside doesn't match the inside, but what if it did? Is my outside appearance a direct reflection of who I am inside? Why do I look like this? Why wasn't I born beautiful?

I'm always going to be a big girl. And I'm slowly becoming okay with that. My legs don't bother me, or my arms. It's my middle. My large broad shoulders, the rolls of back fat that ruin any dress or short sleeve. And my big huge stomach that's never satisfied. I hate anything right on my body, anything that sticks to my skin makes me uncomfortable. I need things to be loose to hide the larger components of my body. Most just say eat right and work out, and while I agree, it's not that easy. All my life people think it’s okay to comment on my weight. The doctors, my family, and people who claim to be my friends. It ha always taken a dark toll on me, i developed self destructive behavior at such a young age part of me thought I was lying to myself. That I made up the eating disorder. I never ate anything. For some reason, it didn't bother anyone. They thought i was dieting because i only ate once a day. I got really skinny for my body type that summer. Going into middle school i slowly got better, until i was unhealthy in the opposite extreme. My parents ask why couldn't i put myself on another diet like i had before, they didnt realize i was sick. i didnt realize i was sick. i realized they couldn't see what i was doing to myself. For a while, I thought i was doing really well. I didn't deny myself what i wanted, and i felt comfortable.

Of course like all good things, it came to an end. I don't want to project this on anything other than myself, but i cant help but blame others. For some reason, i thought that since i was going to therapy i was getting better. Unfortunately thats not all that goes into it. The therapist can only do so much, the rest comes from you. Compared to my junior year, senior was way better. Or so i thought. Scholastically, senior year was better. My relationship with my mother was better. Everything should be going my way, but I'm still unhappy. I thought i kicked depressions ass, because i didn't feel so gray all the time anymore, once i realized i had everything i needed to be happy, good grades, great friends, and college acceptance, yet i wasnt, and that told me i wasn't cured just yet. I feel lousy all the time, plagued by mediocrity. Which can stem to all kinds of other issues, but for now let’s focus on my dissolving self confidence. Its not just my body i hate but my face too. My acne is crippling, getting worse everyday. Makeup doesnt do the trick anymore. At the end of the day the makeup wipe reveals the true ugliness beneath, not like the mask was any better. And for a while, i challenged myself to not wear makeup for a while. Sadly that only lasted a few days. You can have a great day, and one comment can ruin you. You see, my makeup less face oddly gave me confidence. Confidence to show who i truly am and to let myself breath. Ultimately, one comment destroyed that all in .002 seconds.

Remember how i said i didn't want to reject blame? Well I'm going to try and justify other peoples actions anyway. Jake is one of my friends. Honestly for a little bit i thought i liked him, but i only liked the attention and i often looked to him for validation because it was the only male friendship without any strict platonic mood placed on it. I can be honest with myself and admit that i was mainly attracted to the idea of us together because he was new, and i could make someone else jealous. However the stark difference between us enlightened me to see that we could never be together because we would never work. He is the opposite of what i want. He isn't goal driven and is often derogatory. Yet, I still look to him for validation just the same. Anyway, for some unknown reason, the last month he has made constant comments on my appearance. Im not entirely sure if he always did this, and I'm just barely noticing, or he is stating because we are slowly becoming more comfortable with one another. He has made comments that have really hurt my feelings. And it is a consistent behavior with him. He has made comments on my weight, my body, my height, my behavior, and my acne. He has made attacks on almost every inch of my being. And what angers me the most is that i often defend hid behavior to my friends. The last few weeks, there has not been a class period where i have left without feeling gross about myself. I excuse this behavior because i know he is equally insecure about everything i am in different perspectives. Yet, this behavior towards me is not acceptable. His comments destroy any inch of confidence i have left in me. I try not to comment on peoples appearance and if i have, i apologize. Jake also suffers from acne and we talk about it a lot. On my no makeup challenge, i anticipated a comment from him, and i shouldn't have to. he said “now that I've seen your real acne i feel better about mine” How does he think thats okay to say to someone who is obviously insecure about how they look? I wear heavy makeup, and he has commented on that as well. Why do people feel the need to comment on my appearance and attack the most vulnerable parts of me? If it can't be fixed in 5 minutes don't say anything. His verbal abuse, while unbeknownst to him, real contributes to my own self hatred. It fuels my fear of being unwanted. He is a close friend, but also a bully in my life.

Fear of being unwanted undoubtably comes from my father abandonment. He left at a young age for reasons I'm too scared to know and i have zero memories of him. I am extremely thankful for my mother and all she has done for me, but there isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about him. Why did he leave? Was he not ready for a child? He has other children with another women and i often wonder if they know about me. Either unfortunately or fortunately, daddy issues is a common trope in todays society. I connect with many characters in media. Like Barney from How I Met Your Mother, Rebecca from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, and Gabriel Iglesias’ own experience with his father. Like them, my father tried to contact me when i was about 15. Ultimately i said no and did not want contact with him. At 18, i am still not comfortable with the idea of having a relationship with him. He has hurt me deeply and I am not ready to forgive him for that. His abandonment makes me feel like i wasn't enough for him, and that i never will be. Probably the reason i find it so hard to connect with males. I can never truly trust them, much like i can never truly trust anyone because everyone leaves me in the end.

One thing i want to talk about is what happened with Oliver. He is not guilty in any reason, and if you look at it, a minuscule problem in my life. I finally got the guts to tell him how i feel about him, i kinda chicken out and wrote him a letter, but writing my feelings is more therapeutic than saying it, clearly. I told him knowing a relationship wouldn't result. And i think that that is the only reason that made me do it. Yes i genuinely have feelings for him, but i am no way ready for a relationship. Of course i want to make him happy and be with him, but i don't want to know what real heartbreak is, because I'm pretty sure i am heartbroken over myself. If that makes any sense at all. Anyway, i was denied and am okay with it. But it is another experience that makes me feel unworthy of anything real. I have never had anyone show interest in me, and while it is superficial, i long for a little attention. To verify that i am wanted. That i am beautiful. All of which i do not believe in, i want others to, and that is unhealthy. 

Compared to my friends, who are gorgeous, i am the ugly duckling, and I'm okay admitting to it because i know no one else will. Actually my relationships with everyone seem as artificial as my hair color. All my friendships and family relationships seem to be temporary. I know everyone has someone they like more than me. Jennifer is my best friend, but i know she secretly prefers Rebecca or Penelope over me anytime. Daisy is one of my best friends, but i know my recent actions have made her hate me and i walk on eggshells with her now. Isabella is like my sister but i know I'm a third option to her. Behind Yolanda and Trina, and Brandon, Im someone in the background to fall back on. Vanessa is someone i treasure but i know she would prefer a night out with Kristina or anyone else. I know it’s selfish to want to be someones priority, but feeling unimportant to everyone is real hell. I feel like people keep me around because I'm dependable, and I'm tired of it. I look out for everyone, so who the hell looks out for me?

I do the most for my friends. I go above and beyond for everyone, and i notice i set the bar so high for friendship i feel like i don't have any. I want someone to be there for me like i am for everyone else. I look at myself as a lone wolf, but being alone weakens you faster. I am unable to look inside myself and find real strength. All i find is weakness.

I am sick to my stomach because i am so disgusted with myself. I am scared out my mind because no one notices I'm not okay. I cant ask for help, because i don't want people to look at me differently. I am very candid with the fact that i am mentally ill, and pride myself that i go to therapy, but laying a lot of my flaws out on the table is not easy. i know that this paper does not contain all things that i do not like about myself, but for now it is an installment.

If I ever send this to you, i am not attacking you. I am not looking for attention or compliments or sympathy. I am simply being honest with myself and need to write it out. I am hurt and i can feel a self destructive behavior coming over me and this is a signal to be on alert for any alarming actions i might do. Do not smother me, it will only anger me. Do not bombard me with questions about my sanity or overly ask if I'm okay, as i am not clearly sure myself. If you reached this point i am worried that you are scared for me, and my safety. And while i feel that I am being dramatic and this is a crazy disclaimer, this is NOT a suicide note. I am not going to kill myself. I could never do that to my family and cannot put Jennifer through another suicide. If I ever send you this, I am sharing something very personal and ask you to keep this just between us and not show anyone else. I am someone who struggles with low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, sleep issues, and deep rooted fears. And while it may seem contradictory to what i have previously stated, I will be okay.