#im so grateful i really am

[uldahstreetrat]

ANA'S OFFICIAL EMERGENCY COMMISSIONS

As I mentioned in my quick post earlier today, my mom was suddenly admitted to the hospital this afternoon in a panic. I was already intending to open commissions this week as my family and I have been struggling to make ends meet lately, but it's a much more immediate need now.

$50 commissions are limited to three slots for now, and I only but a cap of 10 on sketch commissions to keep from being overwhelmed, but they will be refreshed throughout the week! If you donate more than $5 directly to my page and would also like a sketch commission, just dm me here or on ko-fi!

All shares are appreciated and thank you so much to anyone who sends anything my way. And if commissions aren't your style, I'll be working on some merch designs as well this week, you can find my redbubble here where I will be posting everything!

[hinamie]

surprise it's yuri!!!in 2024

[artsymeeshee]

Second-guessing

[elsecrytt]

Satoru Gojo goes to the same cafe every day for his coffee-flavored confectionary beverage. You are the barista tasked with pumping his drink with the unreasonable assortment of syrup squeezes.

You don't blink at it. You've been in customer service forever. Everything is second nature to you. But you give him a look when you hand him a drink and he just starts going.

He likes to make small chat, you learn. About meaningless things - desserts, drinks, the weather - but he makes you laugh, and he laughs at your jokes, too. He's smiling every time you talk.

He's beautiful - in that way that makes you uncertain if he's really there - and friendly, and he seems a bit lonely, eager to converse.

Something tells you Satoru probably doesn't have a lot of close friends. He's rich, too, judging by the massive tips he leaves you.

The thing is, you do a lot of things on autopilot. It's just the way these things get after a while. Pouring drinks, "What would you like today?", "I'll have that out for you soon!", "Have a nice day!", all that stuff.

Sometimes, though. Sometimes. Wires get crossed.

He's picked up his drink to leave, giving you a cheeky smile and a little wave, and you tell him, without thinking twice:

"Love you, bye!"

Oh. Oh fucking hell -

"Love you too!"

[the-game-spirit]

this game has consumed my every waking moment, have a sif

[corantus]

so i'd already posted abt this but throughout the last part of may and most of june i was out of work because of a leg injury. when i started working again they cut my hours down to 1 shift a week, i've asked for more shifts and gotten stonewalled. im applying for other jobs but uhh. it's not going great

i thought i was going to be ok this month but a short term gig i was depending on fell through and now i'm $700 short on rent and i have another $130 in bills coming

i've basically exhausted all my options trying to get govt assistance and selling plasma and shit. ive gotten into debt that will take me years to climb out of. maybe it's kind of a lost cause to try fundraising this down to the wire but i dont rly know what else to do

tldr i'm in a really bad spot. my commissions are still open, donate if you want, boosts sincerely appreciated

[beannary]

WOAH I JUST HIT 3K FOLLOWERS DTIYS TIME!!!!!

HI GUYS WOAH THERES A LOT OF YOU NOW!!! And I wanted to do a silly little DTIYS as a little celebration! At the beginning of the year I was hoping to get around 1000 followers by December and Uh You Could Say I Surpassed That Amount Just A Bit aksldjhflkasjhfd so heres a fun DTIYS as a celebration!

So there aren't going to be any prizes or deadlines or anything like that because I am going to be starting graduate school soon and I won't have the time to prepare any prizes for the winners, so this DTIYS is just for funzies!

I know this is a list of rules but really you can go crazy go stupid with the DTIYS aksjdfh I don't really have any rules for what you guys should draw for this idk just keep it vaguely similar but also you can do whatever you want

If you participate please tag me so I can see it! And also tag the post with #beannary3kdtiys so all of the drawings are in the same place :)

[madaqueue]

happy new years my darlings!!!!!!!! this year has brought me so much in terms of growth, learning, and joy, and i’m so grateful for all of you :’) a year ago i never would have thought id find the community i did on here and i truly love each and every one of you, sending you all a big midnight kiss and i hope 2025 is so incredibly kind to you, love you <33

[arahabakix]

両面宿儺;

for @queenrojpag

happy birthday itz (*≧︶≦))(￣▽￣* )ゞ

[the-kipsabian]

[acebytaemin]

how cool and composed are you on a scale of one to in bed crying about getting to see some kpop dude live for the first time in 10 years

[securemoon]

Just some life recently...

[abirddogmoment]

wow I'm the luckiest person in the world

[mueritos]

a big brain dump about autism, life, being indigenous, and whatever else is going on

so the past few months I made it a personal journey to understand my autism more (and maybe a possible ptsd diagnosis but whatever whatever whatever). and that's what i'm calling it--the autism--because no other thing makes sense for me, and while i'm parsing through childhood memories and experiences, it's definitely...a bittersweet conclusion? bitter because in a lot of ways, i dont relate to the stereotypical autistic experience because every autistic person who has clocked me was usually a White Queer. It's probably why it's taken so long to get to this point of concluding Autism is what it is. I grew up in an immigrant family as a girl, and for that reason I was expected to not be disabled and to be a completely normal and high achieving Mexican catholic girl who went to college and became a doctor or whatever. Now i'm a fag of a man doing none of those things haha.

My older brother was supposed to be assessed for ASD in his youth, and like most immigrant dads, mine decided that nothing was wrong with him and the rest is history. Except my older brother is a man riddled with childhood trauma, shame, and so much autism. Absolutely uncharted rates of autism, and while he gets some sort of pity from my parents for him ("it's all out fault" "he never got the help he needed" "cut him some slack he doesnt understand"), I can never let my own parents know about how much I struggle. Hell, I can barely show it to my own friends because even they don't understand the extent of my autistic struggles. it's actually caused continuous miscommunications, people mad at me, me mad at myself, meltdowns, shutdowns, and a lot of crying. And shame. (a peer recently even demeaned my habit of keeping to myself, despite the fact that I had actually been trying to put myself out there more)

so i'm at a point in my life where I've accepted that I can only take responsibility over how I communicate, and I take ownership over that. Accepting this responsibility allows me to keep myself safe, as I've essentially lived over 2 decades of my life feeling like I was responsible for not just my communication, but everyone else's, including all of the judgements, missed cues, failures, miscommunications, and whatever else came from it. It's definitely double empathy. Last time I truly took on everyone's communication, it nearly killed me (cue over a year of suicidality). But, in a lot of ways it's very freeing. I'm sort of detaching myself from this neurotypical/White need to socially interact with others on their terms. In other ways, it's restricting. I uh. Don't really talk to a lot of people nowadays, and there used to be days where I wouldn't say a single word out loud. But because I don't talk to as many people, I'm able to put energy into the quality of my connections and not just the quantity. Which unfortunately a lot of people take personally. They dont like you admitting that you only see them as an acquittance, or as a classmate, or something like a friend but not quite there. I find comfort knowing how people feel about me, even if its that they actually dont feel close to me. Great! Now I know! Knowing makes me feel safe! But I'm finding that people actually really fucking hate when you admit that to them, the how you actually slot them in ur brain in terms of social levels. I can understand why, but I also don't get it.

Another thing that's helped is I've changed how I do eye contact. I used to make eye contact with professors or classmates while I spoke up in class because I thought that was important. Now I've found I can actually focus more on what I'm trying to say when I don't make eye contact. My god how freeing that has been. I don't have the same anxiety as I used to before, nor do I experience all of the involuntary blushing as I did for many years of my life. It didn't matter how confident or how prepared I felt, I would just blush furiously and I fucking hate it. Now my blushing is almost nonexistent, and I say what I mean with the flat ass tone that I love speaking in because it makes me feel safe. Sure, I miss the real-time non-verbal reactions to my words in class, but it's an okay trade-off for feeling more safe in myself and more confident in the classroom.

another thing is my internship. I work with majority neurodivergent students, and many of my clients have autism, adhd, or both, and are sometimes BIPOC, trans, or children of immigrants. Man, I've been having a blast. Sure, I'm learning how to be a therapist and best practices, but screw everyone in my life who has called me "cold" "emotionless" or "heartless". I have connected with so many people on such a human level, and I have sat there and helped them hold their pain in that tiny gay office for 45 minutes every week, and even though it's only 45 minutes, i'm showing them that they're allowed to ask for help holding that pain. I have had challenging sessions, difficult conversations, and times where I wasn't sure I would know what to say. But at it's core, I know that I'm capable of connecting with the person in front of me because my autism brain is automatically in tune with the person in front of me. It is so wonderful, and overwhelming, and so confusing all at once. When people start crying in front of me, I feel tears well up in my eyes, even if I'm not actually sad with them. It shows me that I'm capable of this empathy that so many people over my life have questioned, which they questioned all because I processed things slowly, or made quick decisions, or because I was honest about how I felt.

on to being mixed indigenous. Phew. I've been trying to build more connections with other Native folk, and I have a couple who I can thankfully call friends and who have never disrespected my detribalized experience. but recently I was interviewed a few times for a fellow indigenous researcher's dissertation, and I did not expect to be chosen on account that I am detribalized. But it had been a lovely experience and I finished my final interview today. It really left me with a lot of emotions that are hard to put into words. Mourning would be one of them, as I likely won't ever know what my tribal affiliation is. Never knowing who my people were, what language they spoke, the land they lived on...I can't describe just how much it destroys me. It feels like literal death, because that's what it is. A disgusting colonial death. And it's why I abhor that of all my identities, being autistic and being mixed indigenous has been met with the most vitriol online. like i guess people can only handle the trans fag mexican dude when hes not autistic and mixed indigenous, because now I am far too ambigious for anyone else's good. though i do know better than to listen to what random people online have to say about me and my path toward reconnection/neurodivergency.

beside's that, i'm trying to find neurodivergent spaces that feel safe, and I'm trying to find ways to keep myself safe. stimming, carrying stuffed animals around, using fidget toys, engaging in my interests, listening to the same songs, eating the same foods. I've had coffee with bagel and chive+onion cream cheese for over a year now. I've listening to almost only Pearl Jam and Alice in Chains for nearly a year now. I rewatch the same youtube videos over and over again. I wear the same few outfits. I wear the same shoes everyday. I walk the same way to and from campus everyday. I try to be in nature as much as I can, and really see it. I imagine nature where it isn't, and I get emotional thinking about the life that used to be on it. I wish so badly that I was a cat, a horse, a bunny, a deer, all so I could experience life through their eyes. i'm putting trust into people, into the universe, and into myself. safety is hard to come by, but im doing my best to accept the risks of life, trying to be flexible, and learn how to sustain myself for the good of the world. I deserve to be here too.

that's about it. besides that, i'm moving to philly once i'm done with grad school ^-^

[moonlume]

tumblr said draw something bad so I did but I'm mad I still didn't feel anything

[deji-koo]

I can't be normal about this panel . I just. Can't

^^This is sending me.....bye