#im so fucking hungry rn bc i have not been able to eat for a While but also very aware that Eating Hurts

[orcelito]

Despite all odds, I have arrived home safely👍

Turns out that the earlier goop was the better goop. The adderall goop. The adderall has worn off now though. So I am. Very incredibly out of it.

But I am home. And I will take my quick shower. And then I will climb into bed.

I do need to eat. But... later...

[milkweedman]

eating my dinner of one squashed heirloom tomato which i dropped shortly after picking it, sliced with salt and pepper on it, with chopsticks and while standing in the middle of my room

[romanarose]

Fic Recs

I'll admit I've been slacking. A lot. It was a high anxiety summer as you know, and I've finally been able to pretty much cut ties with an abusive friend who was causing a LOT of those anxiety and panic attacks. BUT I want to rec some of my fav writers and fav stories.

To keep the presure low on myself I am only linking ONE story per writer, whatever story that speaks to me. I do hope if you like the story you'll check out more from them!

Please remember to reblog their stories if you read them, and if you feel inclinded, leave a kind comment! Big comments are fantastic but even a short "Great story!" Means the world!

Dead Dove Do Not Eat and all dark fics will be in red. Might make a whole other dddne tag list on my dark blog on of these days lmfao

Moon Knight

Fractured Moon by @melodygatesauthor : DDDNE Yandere Moon boys x reader, non con, extreme violence but such good interpretations of the boys

Friendly Favors by @runa-falls best friend steven, friends with benefits??? friends to lovers??? yes plzzz

Rydal Keener

Oxford Comma by @whatthefishh : Collage AU, Rydall is cunty, serves cunt, and eats cunt. What can I say.

TLOU (Most of what I'm reading rn if im being honest)

Linger On by @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin : Pre-outbreak!Joel, angst, yummy smut, ft. my boyfriend, Tommy (Angela said I can be Tommy's gf)

Caught by @toxicanonymity : Inspired Keep Cry'n, Joel catches you when you try to run, masterbates onto your face. part 2 has TOMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Maintainence Man series by @gracieispunk : Joel is a, well, Maintenace man in our building! He is married but that doesn't stop him from fucking you

Hungry Hearts @atinylittlepain : If ya'll know me, you know I love Bruce Springsteen. I have 2 fics named after springsteen songs, one joel one javi/santi/reader. I've fallen behind on the series but loved it enough to make fan art! terrible fan art but still! Pre-outbreak, takes place in two timelines- college age and then the 2000'. Joel has Sarah, reader is ellies mom which I think is fun.

Exit Wounds by @strang3lov3 : No fic masterlist so I tagged the main masterlist. Now listen. I love Tommy Y'all know I love tommy... but cheating on tommy? Im so sorry baby. But ur also an asshole lol. Had it coming.

Creep by @theywhowriteandknowthings : I- ugh just read it. darkish but nothing insane like the wrong way lmfao. pretty mild comparatively but use discression but THAT TWISTTTTTTTT

Only Daddy That'll Walk the Line by @millerscoffee Yellow istead of red bc its not like. dark but Joel's pretty mean

Not A Survialist Girl by @tightjeansjavi again yellow bc joel's a dick lol but THE DIRTY TALK?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Miguel O'Hara

Halo by @missdictatorme : Miguel O'Hara goes full Nathan Bateman and fucks his ai. Whore.

Only You Only Me by @astroboots : so im behind on this one too. What about it! Im terrible I know but like Hungry Hearts above I may be a slow reader but I didn't forget and also did stupid fan art of this great fic too. lol. Anyway plz read this, I cant give a great summary bc im only a few chapters in but if youre in the oscar fandon you know cici writes only bangers

No One But Me by @koshkamartell : You try to break things off with Joel and begin spending time with the hot librrian in Jackson. Joel does not like thi

Triple Frontier

Under Neon Lights by @campingwiththecharmings : sexy drunk sex with my baby boi, santi <3

Through the Scope by @ssuperficialspacecadett : Reader works for Benny and falls for frankie. Great relationships with all the boys, reader has sexual trauma so you knoooooooow i eat these fics up!!!! lovely to see all them be appriciated with special focus on FRANKIE my precious lol guy

Shared Breathes by @frenchiereading : DAD FRANKIE x teacher reader. Triple frontier may have forgotten Frankie has a baby (he deserved the money for her) BUT WE DID NOT!!!!!

The Story of Us by @pimosworld : You served in the military with the boys but they made a deal not to sleep with you. Years later after helping you escape abuse, one by one they begin to waver aka you fuck them all. FishBen as a bonus!!

Goddamn have I really only been reading TLOU XD lmfao makes sense bc thats mostly what Im writing. That and the Javier pena x reader x santi and then the will fic but im soooooooooo much of a TLOU whore rn its insane.

Im sure ill remeber some more amazing TF fics soon but for now here we are!

Gonna plug real quick my latest one shot tho bc it's a holiday and I can self promo if I want! Shana Tova, moon boys x non jewish!reader where the moon boys share a part of their jewish identity with you!

THANK YOU TO ALL WRITERS FOR YOUR HARD WORK, I APPRICIATE YOU!

If you ever seen my like and not reblog know its just bc I forgot and im sorry. If you ever tagged me in a tag game and i never responded its bc I forgot and again IM SORRY

If I didnt tag anyone and you think i didt think your fic was worthy THATS NOT IT im simply overwhelmed with how much ive read and how this summer was and i just havnt organized it all. Im sorry!!

[strawberryona]

Cannibalism and Kabru? Interesting. I wonder how he would do with such thing, considering that he’s most likely traumatized by seeing people from his home village being devoured by monsters…

Anyways, I wanted to ask this for a while now:

So, what are your ideas for this ship? What is your s/i like? How did she and Kabru meet? What is the dynamic? What role does cannibalism plays? Just, I’m dying to know what is going on.

Fun fact: I myself have been eyeing Kabru before properly watching Dungeon Meshi, suspecting that I might get a crush on him. But then shit happened, and here I am, obsessing over Thistle instead... Kabru is still cool, though. I especially love how the manga shows that him lying to manipulate people has consequences, so now he has to supress his honest emotions and do things he doesn’t want to do. It’s hilarious, I have never seen it done anywhere before.

(By the way, I’ve seen many people joke about being disappointed by Kabru being a man because they though he was a beautiful butch woman. Thoughts on that?)

– villain-in-love

so sorry to say… the cannibalism is mostly symbolic…. 😔 it’s like sentiments of “i want to eat you” and sexual biting and like. heavy cannibalism allusion used in smut. that kind of thing. kabru i think wouldnt be able to stomach survival cannibalism much less pleasure cannibalism like hes not that kind of guy. cath is a different story.

speaking of cath shes my s/i. her name is Catherine Entrailé she’s fantasy french (unfortunately, that was just too good a name…) and she’s a vulture beastman (were-vulture?). she can shift between human and vulture forms and was cursed to be this way (like izutsumi). she needs to turn fully into a vulture every so often or suffers consequences, she disappears from the party for a few days at a time and they notice a vulture following them, etc etc…

i havent decided who cursed her shes still a fledgling character. likewise i dont know how cath and kabru met (shes in his party) and suggestions would be appreciated lol. i am thinking of giving her a dead sister or something as backstory.

also, as backstory, she has past trauma from being poisoned, so she has to know EXACTLY whats in her food at all times. she eats carrion because its one flesh with no extra ingredients. this sets up conflict with senshi bc nooo why are you putting extra things in my food are you going to poison me!! so she’s like izutsumi bc they’re both picky eaters. she and izutsumi would either get along like a house on fire Or become lifelong mortal enemies. also there might be an arc there about growing past it because shes a vulture now and can digest many toxins without being harmed.

i think thats probably all i have for her for right now, hopefully i can come up with more stuff soon~ i know her dynamic with kabru, though. the reason why she’s in the dungeon is because she’s a murderhobo actually. she’s like kabru in that she hates monsters, but she hates Literally Everything Else too and thinks all humans should die. if she doesnt kill things in the dungeon she will start doing it on the surface. kabru is worried by and captivated by her weird psychology. they also hook up before he realizes she’s a beastman bc she keeps it well hidden. after he realizes he fucked a girl thats part monster he gets so upset it gives him cramps. i still dont know how to get over this obstacle lol i do not think kabru wants to be shipped with a demihuman. sucks for him bc im doing it anyway hes my little toy 🤍

other assorted thoughts: cath heavily enables kabru’s desires and they have like hungry hands-everywhere can’t-get-enough-of-your-body-sex, laios is the reason why cath became more comfortable telling people she’s a beastman and existing in an state between human and vulture (kabru wants to kill himself so bad rn), tension between rin and kabru and cath happens where rin absolutely despises cath bc kabru wont give her attention but will give cath attention. cath kind of doesnt care about rin too much bc shes aro/polyam like me. if they one sided hatefuck it will go nuclear and tear the party apart.

anyways to the rest of your ask! yes kabru is such an interesting and unique character! i like how hes shown as sympathetic and with good intentions but has some very worrying traits like what is up with his freaky stare when he straight up executes those guys? and when he attacks falin? and also the way his trauma affects him is pretty well done. sometimes he reminds me of light yagami but better lol. he also does take it upon himself who gets to live and die based on a moral framework of “some humans are irredeemable vermin that must be removed” but he’s actually a likeable character and DOES NOT have a god complex. my poor little fucked up guy im gonna use him

i never thought kabru was a butch woman but sometimes i wish he was 😔 though i’ve been doing surprisingly well with the idea of him as a cis man. it pisses me off a little bit that he and cath are m/f and both cis. at least hes bisexual. usually my s/is are lesbian but i cant do that here lol. ALTHOUGH i was thinking genderfluid or crossdresser kabru maybe inspired by ryuko kui’s r63 art (Manipulative Girlfriend kabru you will always be famous) plus this tweet: https://x.com/bedtimecreature/status/1768118459693682865?t=2IniV5ZjNZ9m-fdhHU-Vcg&s=19 idk he just looks really good here man i love him. (i dont hc him as transmasc tho)

this is getting long lol so i think ill end it here. hey i got it in earlier than “in the next week”! thanks for reminding me i had to write this haha

[sportsbianism]

some more nitty gritty details of my body recomp journey cause im in a yappy mood

im only down about 3 pounds since mid march, but im actually ok w that for two reasons. 1 is that i went on vacation and ate like literally 5k calories a day for eight days between then and now. and it fucking rules and i don't regret a single moment of it and tbh i think it was very good for my soul after spending several months so poor i had to go hungry or live solely off free waffle house meals from work and ramen w frozen veggies. i needed that. i loved every moment of it. i gained like ten pounds. the second reason im ok w it is that i really want to retain as much muscle as i possibly can in this cut/recomp. when i was at my healthiest, i was still around 190, and i was fucking jacked. i was still a very delicious degree of chubby, but my ass was a shelf and i routinely beat strange men at arm wrestling in bars. so over the past few months, idk, ive been eating at least 100 grams of protein a day. for the past month gym every day. and even before that, going to work at the construction site and getting 10k steps in every day since february. so i suspect that my muscle retention is good. i have now steepened my deficit quite a bit bc i feel like im on a plateau. hopefully i'll be able to see some gains in strength there in spite of the steep cut but if not im gonna up my calories and protein a smidge.

right now, im down to about 200 lbs. over the past two weeks ive been eating an average of 1,600 calories a day, walking an average of 10k steps, working out five days a week, and then my job is really physical as well. so for maintenance i would need to eat about 2,600 calories a day. 1k calorie deficit is steep hahah it is very steep. im kind of dreading the idea of having to go back up tho cause im saving so much money on food lmfao. how it is rn i actually only eat about 1,300 a day on weekdays and then i eat a lot on the weekend. either fasting on sunday and going absolutely fucking ham on saturday, or going moderately ham both days. whenever i go back up i'll probably go to like 2k. maybe in july tho bc idk. ive been fasting in the morning and it feels really good. im really feeling energetic and focused at work. and again saving a ton of money.

[taiiunknown]

CANT STAY AWAY FROM YOU !

DISCLAIMER: This my first time writing so Not too much 😒

VERY SHORT !

CONTAINS: Profanity, Slight smut, angst

Part 1

SUMMARY: y/n and shuri has been dating for 6 months now , but after a argument they take a break from each other which leads shuri to taking matters into her own hands since she can’t stay away from y/n and since y/n got caught up

It’s been 2 weeks since me and shuri took a break from each other and for some reason I always get that feeling in my stomach when I feel like she’s around.

I was at my personal condo that had gotten as soon as I turned 19 , Me and shuri met through my friend RiRi at a party . Me and shuri hit it off and next thing yk we was in the back seat of her car fucking like hungry dogs , every since then we’ve been together for six months . Me and shuri end up having a disagreement bc I told her that I felt like I should be able to have a boy best friend, she obviously thought that was a bad idea but that disagreement turned into a heated argument. After that argument I told her that we need space for a while and left with out her response.

*PRESENT*

I layed in my bed watching ( Amazing World of Gumball) while eating apple sauce at 11pm with my dog Bluey . I had pink LED lights on while the rest of my house was dark with only one light was on and that was the light above my stove .

I got a text from RiRi that’s had me a little confused.

RIRI🤞🏾: have you talk to shuri this week ?

Me: Naw, why wassup ?

RIRI🤞🏾: bc she have been overthinking saying that she feel like you’ve found some one else since you guys are taking a break

Me: Waaa? No . What would make her say that ?

RIRI🤞🏾: she claim she seen you and this girl leave together out of your condo when she came to talk to you but she turned around when she seen you two .

Me: so she stalking me now ? And btw that was my friend who wanted me to retwist her locs

RIRI🤞🏾: no she is not and when have you learned how to twist locs ?😂

Me: okayyy you caught me , we fucked or whatever but it was no feelings behind it !

RIRI🤞🏾: omgggg I KNEW YOU COULDNT LAST A WEEK WITH OUT GETTING ATE OUT !

Me: Not too much 😒

RIRI🤞🏾: it’s okay I’m pretty sure shuri fucked someone bc she a sex maniac honestly…

Me: 😂 I can’t deal with you rn I’m finna go to bed we will finish this convo in the morning

RIRI🤞🏾: bet… Goodnight pretty ❤️

Me: Goodnight🥀

*12Am*

I woke up at 12:30 am hearing foot steps in my home and literally started to panick while bluey hurried to my closed room door barking at it . I got up and put my slippers on and got my phone and taser , as I got closer I seen my doorknob turn and went into shock . I seen a familiar shoe slowly come in and see that it’s shuri, I turned on my lamp to see her clearly Shuri eyebrows furrowed in confusion while looking at my taser in my hand …

“HOW TF DID YOU EVEN GET IN HERE?!” Y/n said slightly screaming, “I came to see why my girlfriend letting others have what’s mine !” Shuri said calmly. Y/n begins to put her things down while saying “what are you talking about ?” Shuri begins to step towards her slowly looking at y/n in lust and anger, “RIRI told me every thing umntwana wam (my baby)”

*Y/n POV*

IN MY HEAD I WAS SO ANGRY BC EVEN THOUGH ME AND RIRI ONLY BEEN FRIENDS FOR A YEAR I WAS FLABBERGASTED ON HOW SHE TOLD MY BUSINESS LIKE THAT 😐 BUT AT THE SAME TIME I COULDNT REALLY BE MAD BC SHE KNEW SHURI BEFORE ME …

I was too stun to speak and felt guilt run all over my body bc I know that shuri loves me so dearly and this mistake might have hurted her deeply . She looked at me in disgust like that couldn’t believe what I have done while I just stared at my fluffy black rug , “Look up Usana” Shuri demanded with now a soft voice , I did what I was told and looked in her eyes that was filled with disappointment- before she could say anything I hurried a “IM SO SORRY SHURI” out of me with teary eyes that’s turning red , Shuri eyes soften as she quickly lifted me up while placing me on my bed . Next thing yk my bottoms was off while shuri was heavily teasing me by rubbing the outside of my folds and also asking me questions that I could hardly answer due to the whimpering I was doing .

“Why you acting like you’re not mines y/n ?” Shuri said “I AM YOUR SHURI AND ONLY YOURS JUST PLZ TOUCH ME BABYYY…” Y/n whimpers as she is for need of shuri’s touch even more , “why are you doing this ?” Y/n says while tryna ignore the fact that shuri is now rubbing her clit-“bc I want to make you feel how the other stranger couldn’t” shuri answered with a grin on her face . After a while of rubbing the outside of your folds again shuri begins to stop and looks at y/n face that’s is screaming touch me , shuri then got up and as y/n slowly pulls her bottoms back up with a confused look now on her face . Shuri then slowly turned towards y/n room door before looking back saying “ hmu when you get your shit together” “ Wait- shuri” y/n said with eyes now watering back up due to the guilt in her chest . Shuri ignored her and begin to walk out her door leaving in silence.

*SHURI POV*

I left her home with a grin on my face bc ik she gonna give in due to how wet I left her cunt

But all I can think about is how she really let someone else touch her, even though we was on a break . And I kinda had guilt built up inside me also bc while we was on our break me and RiRi kinda got drunk and had sex but it’s not like I enjoyed it bc all I had on my mind was y/n..

*2 days later *

MY WIFE♾🌹: Shuri we need to talk

To be continued…

[flockofdoves]

struggling a bit w ED relapse rn because after i went to the ER last week they prescribed me doxycline and metronidazole. both can cause nausea and other stomach issues and metronidazole makes everything taste a bit gross making eating less enjoyable and ive been on doxycycline before and still have never figured out how to deal with the facts that it both is 30% more effective if taken without food but destroys your stomach if you do so directions will like simultaneously say to take it with and without food on different parts of the packaging lol. and i have to take it at breakfast and dinner time. and if you have it within two hours before or after anything high in calcium it creates a chemical reaction that both makes it a lot less effective and that is digestionally painful. and in ED recovery whole milk (lots of calcium) has been a huge help for me in giving me an easy way to supplement with a calorie and fat dense food to make sure i eat enough even when i have low energy. and cereal or breakfast sandwiches involving cheese and mayo are some of my go to breakfasts because i need to reliably be able to eat enough to start my day without having to do much thinking or prep so that ill have enough energy to be able to do stuff like think about cooking for my later meals in the day.

and like replacing those with nondairy milks/cheeses even if those tend to be less calories would be fine as a solution during the next week if i just made sure to eat more but i went fucking insane in the supermarket today looking at every single nutrition label in the dairy substitute section and realizing even the ones that should have almost no calcium naturally are fortified with it to make it more like cows milk unless theyre fucking coffee creamer.

obviously the ideal solution to this is finding well thought out alternatives to my usual go tos while im full and have the energy to think about it (having a lot of fatigue as a side effect even when eating enough tho) and then after that i think im being reasonable to decide that for my specific circumstance making sure im eating enough is enough of a concern that it should outweigh any dietary restrictions when it comes down to my options in a moment and in the end might even specifically be more important to ensuring i heal from this properly (even if the resulting pain reminding me that the meds arent being absorbed properly makes this whole process feel a little pointless)

but god am i having such trouble with not just the ‘eh i dont really need to eat im not feeling it im not even too shakey yet’ part of my ed i still often fall back into but also the part of me that was so obsessive about what my food was made up of and what i should avoid and ‘oh might as well just not eat’ is having a fucking field day for the first time in a while bc theres an actual understandable and concrete Reason for a restriction but that still doesnt mean that me consciously making the decision in the moment that i just physically really need to eat and something with calcium is the only accessible option and then i start eating it and am still really hungry but then that restrictive part of me is like ‘noooo this is bad just stop eating’ is helpful at all. its just falling into the worst of both where im not eating enough And my meds arent fully effective lol.

anyway lmk if you have any low effort low calcium high calorie breakfast ideas. i know theres a lot out there but im just too wrapped up in everything to brainstorm effectively

[weathernerdmando]

so i have a doctors appointment tomorrow with a new primary doctor and im going to get situated with them bc i need a place to get my adhd medication, but im also gonna ask if they could do at least a preliminary or whatever evaluation for elhers danlos or hypermobility spectrum disorder or something along those lines. and im hesitantly looking forward to that. bc i would really like some answers.

gonna put my reasonings behind a readmore (this is mostly for myself but also if anyone who’s offically diagnosed sees this and has thoughts on it you’re totally welcome to).

in short, something is wrong, even if it’s not ehlers danlos or hsd like i suspect right now.

Its not just bc of the joint issues that i want to look into it honestly. its the joints, yes, but its the Moderate to Severeish (i think i was borderline for surgery iirc, 40 degree curve lower back, 30 degree upper before treatment, its probably back to around close there bc i haven't been to the chiro in probably 6 months now?) scoliosis, the gi issues (fucked up hunger signals (rn, for example, i dont get them half the time even if i know i havent eaten in close to 24 hours, as well as just not feeling hungry but knowing i need to eat bc im shakey, irritated, anxious and unable to focus), constipation that feels like im getting stabbed that i just have to wait out, stretchy and soft skin, the heel lump thingies (can’t spell the offical term), i think the stretch marks, the high and crowded palate, the inability to write for longer than 2 minutes without severe cramps and pain (amongst other issues with my hands, apparently i dont just suck at using chopsticks, my fingers are straight up collapising and htey shouldn’t be. apparently.). i had a submucus cleft palate as a kid, which was surgically corrected (i dont have a uvula lol!) as well as at least one eye muscle surgery and at least one ear surgery for tubes (possibly two, i can’t remember). i still have really shitty vision (-6.5 in left, -3.5 in right, and they’re crosseyed when i take my glasses off. this is with corrective surgery and wearing a patch on my right to make my left eye stronger). as well as the back pain, the neck pain, etc.

I also have what i’d guess is a 4/5 ish to possibly a -8 out of 9 on the beighton. thumbs to wrist - check. elbows - check. i think my knees might actually hyperextend after all, but im not sure, what i do know is i dont think ive ever passed out bc my knees were locked/all the way back and ive stood in that position for a while before. If im standing with the kneecaps forwards but the feet angled, i think that’s where i can see it. The other thing is one of my pinkies is iffy (depends on the day, and i think it doesn’t quite go to 90), and the other i think is at 90 but im not sure, and that one also depends on the day. so at minimum, 4, at highest, 8 i think. 

My ribs also go under my hip on my right side if i just. Lean over. Fun to show people but that is most likely not fucking normal. My upper and lower ribs move and some of them Shouldn’t. If this gets me answers as to why sometimes it feels like something catches in my chest (one of my boobs, usually my left) and makes breathing Fucking Painful I’ll be thrilled. And my scapulas *definitely* move in a way they shouldn’t and I suspect my shoulders might actually too. As well as my ankles (what do you mean that ballerinas work to stretch like i can do normally?? also the ankle injuries and the growing-pains-that-might-not-be-growing-pains-especially-since-they’re-still-happening as a kid??) and i swear my right wrist either didn’t heal properly or something else is wrong bc a) it shouldn’t be clicking i don’t think and b) i dont think the bones are supposed to sit like they do. And also my hips. something is up with those but idk exactly what but i think you’re not supposed to be able to do what i can.

im autistic and adhd too which raise the chances Something is up bc they’re incredibly comorbid, as does having the scoliosis i think.

just hoping if they don’t know, they won’t say well nothing is wrong, but maybe “we dont know, lets refer you to someone who does” even if I can’t afford that yet.  

[lilycals115]

//rant

god im such a fucking cow. i hate being the size i am in american society. im not fat enough to be able to call myself fat without getting shit for it, but im not skinny enough to not be criticized about how much i eat. don't get me wrong, im glad im not bigger bc i would not be as mentally stable as i am rn but its so hard not being able to talk irl with anyone about hating my body and hating how food and my weight dictate everything in my life. im friends with stick thin woke "body positive" activists who all eat an almond a day and all have these dietary restrictions or preferences that TOTALLY aren't just excuses for their own disordered eating. but i cant even say "its not fair" because it doesnt even matter. thats the way life works, yet i still keep making the choice to gorge myself everyday and never make any progress. ive been losing and gaining the same 3 pounds since fucking september. and i do it to myself, there's no one i can blame. i feel so fucking pointless in being angry at how my skinny friends are allowed to eat like freaks with no repercussions because the reason thats fine is because theyre skinny and im fat. skinny people can just get away with more shit than farm animals like me. i'm surprised ive held a boyfriend for this long. im surprised he doesn't go limp at the sight of his blimp of a girlfriend. and if he's not turned off by the size of me, he should definitely reconsider dating me because of how much of an asshole i've turned into since befriending ana.

thats another thing: im so goddamn mean now. i used to be so sweet. fat people are jolly i guess. i used to not bat an eye at ppl who were overweight but now my first thoughts are just spiteful and bitter. i get really upset when i find myself thinking like this because i Know that my mindset for myself should never be applied to other people who i know nothing about. but im constantly involving other people into my eating disorder silently in my head. i compare how skinny or fat my friends are with myself and with each other. they'll think im just staring off into space when im just body checking all of them and i get these moments when i just feel like scum for involving people who never asked to be my thinspo or fatspo.

i have no point to this. im just so frustrated with myself and i need to eat so much less. i ate so much soup at my work today, my dad made me try some of his chili, i had a starbucks cake pop, and i had leftover pasta. i didnt feel my stomach growl at all today. i was never hungry, i just shoved shit in my face.

[my-lunaberg]

Okay, this confrontation/chase has been going on for too long, Im not sure if Im capable of actual analysis rn so Im just jotting all my thoughts so far down bullet point style

I find it very telling that Dream just got out of prison, where he was almost completely isolated and rarely visited and starved and also actively tortured for about half of his almost year-long time there, and instead of going to his base or finding shelter or resting or anything like that, he seemingly went straight to Logstedshire after getting the gear from Punz. Idk if hes there bc he suspected that Tommy would try and get the axe of peace or bc he wanted to remisce but either way, very interesting

Im too lazy to dig up my old posts where I try to predict the effects that the prison will have on Dreams psyche and I dont really remember what I even said, but I do know that I said the prison would make him a lot more unhinged so I'll take that as a win for me

That being said, Im not entirely satisfied with the way Dream is acting so unaffected by like, the physical torture especially. Yeah sure, it does seem like being trapped in jail for a while was part of Dreams game plan all along somehow, but I dont think Quackitys torture was, judging by how surprised he seemed when he showed up. And even if it was, while I do think of Dream as a pretty deluded character, no amount of delusion is gonna make the Literal Fucking Torture hes endured for months on end not feel like Literal Fucking Torture

When the confrontation started my first thought was "oh, his manipulation tactics are a lot sloppier and a lot more obvious, I feel like Tommy wouldnt fall for that even if he didnt already know that Dream was bad news" but then I thought again and I realized that hes talking in a very similar way to when Tommys exile started, where he just kinda says stuff to try and bring him down because hes so confident in his manipulation tactics that he thinks he can just make Tommy forget all about how he compared him to an annoying bug right before he started saying he was his friend. Now, he got progressively more unhinged over the course of the confrontation, so his attempts at manipulation land even worse but still

Basically, I think hes trying to do exactly what he did at the start of exile which is to say, break him down and make him "his" in some weird way, only that with the exile the goal was to get him on his side and become Dreams protegee of sorts, while this time its mostly just to beat him down and break him like a toy

Idk Ive made a lot of analyses of Dream and one the things i keep coming back to is the fact that he wants absolute control over everything everyone and he cannot handle the loss of that control, but deep down he still desires Challenge and Tommy gave him that. His relationship with Tommy is fascinating because its essentially Dream attempting to reconcile those two fundamentally uncompatible parts of his psyche. However, I dont think he wants Challenge anymore. Even if the stay at the prison was planned, it nevertheless showed him what its like to experience loss of control, to truly eperience being challenged and its clear to me that he doesnt want it anymore and that he just wants to break Tommy down until he listens

This is another complaint that sorta ties into Dream being so unaffected by the torture and a suggestion to 'fix' it. I realize that theyre working with Minecraft mechanics and everything so it doesnt matter that much, but Dream should definitely be having issues with food after being starved and only given raw potatoes for that long and I also dont think he should be able to sprint. I feel like they couldve done something really neat and have Dream be like "no Im not hungry" when Punz gives him those baked potatoes and then later when hes chasing Tommy around maybe he starts out sprinting but after a short while hes just kinda jumping around and you realize that hes starving but hes szill not eating and just keeps following Tommy with his pearls and maybe a trident if he has one rn. Idk just something that couldve been cool

I realize that Tommy is obviously there too and I feel like I shouldve written more about him but honestly, I dont have any thoughts abt him rn, maybe I'll have some later down the line. Idk man, I like c!Tommy a lot but hes not really a character that I like to write analysis posts about (i love reading others analyses though!! I think hes interesting, I just dont have a lot of interesting thoughts about him beyond that sry), while c!Dream very much is lol. I see a lot of myself in and thats definitely part of the reason I enjoy him so much and why I symphatize with him so strongly and why analysing him is so fascinating, its kinda cathartic for me. I know a lot of people in the fandom tend to really dehumanize him, both bc he doesnt have his own POV which makes it easier and bc they seemingly just dehumanize any Bad People in fiction, but its honestly a struggle for me to try and do that too, simply because I am human and I know hes human because we have done similar things for similar reasons (only that hes obviously worse bc its fiction and things get exgerated yknow)

Idk thats about it for now, I just spent like two hours writing this when I probably shouldve just kept watching the video lol

[whoreishghost]

i am like Not able to eat basically at all rn and this has beem ongoing for like 3-4 ish weeks now. in the first 2 weeks i cld eat a bit more but still like rlly way way too little and when i had my adhd review i was pretty surprised i had acc gained a bit of weight so i just sort of brushed off the not eating as me misremembering how much ive eaten. but now i like, am basically on a liquid only diet (and i cant drink anything thicker ? ig than like a diet coke bc that also makes me feel sick, tried having a milkshake at one point and i felt soooooo bad) bc 1 i like just dont get hungry at all, and 2 even if i feel ig the closest thing to describe wld be peckish (like im craving a specific flavour or texture) by the time i start eating it i rlly rlly do not want to be and its like, u know when ur so full its like hard to chew and u just want to spit the food out? like that. ive been trying very hard to like force myself thru this by like letting myself eat and buy whatever food i want at literally any time of day bc while it is expensive ive lost kind of a lot of weight v quickly (tw ed: this is about as much as id lose in a month whilst restricting v heavily in just under than 2 weeks). its worked to a degree but honestly im mostly just wasting food and honestly money, and whenever i do manage to eat a bit, itll be like 1 small size serving of poke (currently the only food that has been tolerated even slightly, ig maybe bc it has a "fresh" flavour? idk) eaten over the course or 5-6 hours bc i cldnt eat it faster than that which even then was not rlly tolerated bc i felt fucking disgusting physically, and then basically anything else (eg a genuinely really nice tasting stew my wife made, a mozzarella and avocado sandwich, just an avocado w salt, pasta, etc) makes me so nauseous and uncomfortable that i have to go force myself to throw up right after ive eaten to not literally be in hell for like 8-9 hours (i have an extremely low tolerance for managing nausea and the amazing ability to basically never throw up ever by myself hence the "forcing myself" which yes bad but also i refuse to be regurgitating and getting acid reflux whilst in pain for that whole day because i tried to eat smthn). i originally thought it was probably psychological bc ive been doing v v badly and to a degree it is (i cba to cook or eat rlly) but even when i have the food to eat i cant do it then either? idrk what to do, i have brought it up to drs multiple times who just tell me its poor mental health management and imply i need to ig "try harder". theres also the fact that it is v triggering for my disordered eating brain bc i am unintentionally restricting a lot and i am losing a lot of weight and its been v difficult not to just spiral down that sort of thought process into just not eating at all. feeling kind of like this is either gna randomly stop at some point and itll just be a confusing period of my life or im going to get v v unwell without support and be blamed for it

[ishifted-jdayz]

hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii shifted again. guys i fucking love my wr. infinitely more peaceful than my cr (niece is currently screaming in the other room) but idccccccccccc bc it was so easy to get there i literally just said "im gonna go to my wr" and then went to sleep and woke up there again. my cat pib was there in my bed purring and the sun was coming in through the window MAN. its fucking sick

ate some delicious sushi for breakfast (ik, im just not much of a breakfast guy) and it was awesome, then curled up and started sketching while watching s3.5 of my fave show again. spent some time outside walking, then went back into my big ass library greenhouse thing and decided to learn some more languages. it is so fucking cool guys also english is the silliest language fr. french is a close second. my fave rn is mandarin which is important for some drs of mine but idk the tonal changes slay

saw my horse todayyyyyyyyyyyy shes fucking huge. deep brown w black feathering at the bottom. i tacked her up and took her out riding a bit. god it was so fucking nice to be on a horse again. i also noticed im much more flexible (which is nice bc i scripted it but i forgor) and being taller than my cr is also like jarring to come back to i was so used to it 😭😭😭😭

but yeah i took my horse up to the creek and stuck my feet in thereeeeee best feeling ever. i scripted that i Can tell the like. difference between cold and Wet (because fun fact humans in this reality cannot feel Wetness, its just a change of temperature/pressure! we dont have the nerves for it or smth idk) so THAT was cool. dk how to describe it but yeah it was super cool.

anyway yeah we meandered into the forest a bit and i saw a fucking moose which was crazy. ive never seen one irl before theyre SO big holy shit. i grabbed an apple from a tree and brushed it off and then ate it while i rode it was just so nice. guys i love nature 😭😭😭😭

then i went back home and cracked open a book to read. in my cr im rereading the series bc i forgor the context bc itd been 10 years since between when i last reread and getting the final book, but here i just did the "know" thing for the other four and then started reading the fifth <3333 its so fucking good so far.

idek how long i read for bc??? the hours there seem to be longer??? idk that whole day felt like so long but in a good way. idk time is fake ANYWAY. read a lot and then finally went inside. ate more sushi bc i can but i decided to try Every One from my favorite sushi spot here so i know which ones i like and which ones i dont and well. my faves are still my faves but ive found some good onessssssssss SLAY. i love being able to like. eat however much and not feel sicky like i can just Make myself feel hungry again and then i am and can continue eating. there were def some that i like crossed off my list as stuff i dont really care for but 1) not many 2) ive got a higher spice tolerance now so Even Less than wouldve been in my old reality, so idk dude we are just fucking slaying. also i love my hair there its perfect it doesnt get in my face when i dont want it too but it looks so good MAN

ok next things i want to do when i go back probably practice piano again, get a hang of the violin and flute, just focus on instruments. languages are fun but also instruments babey!!!!!!!!!!! im loving this so much fr GOD ITS SO FREEING!!!1 ok

[imnotreal-png]

>:) -- Entry 1

OK i just smoked a joint after i wrote the date and now im kinda chillin but imma still yap on dis hoe.

I am a loser. Like a huge loser, okay? Like im not dumb or wtv, i may have reached a weird and insane level of self awareness, but im just as much of a loser as anyone else.

I keep catching myself trying to people please and overstepping my boundaries and justifying it with "oh everyone else does it, so what, its normal" like ok dumb bitch that doesn't make it okay, get a grip.

But i will be yapping away abt alot of stupid bullshit i deal with and stupid things make me sad. I am very well aware that I am irrational, but these are things i feel in those moments that i always hold in because i don't want people 2 see that weak side of me. It's embarrassing and it's not me.

In truth, i have nooo idea what i'm doing. I have 0 clue on where i'll be in the future. I didn't think i'd make it this far and not on some suicidal shit (idk if u can say that word here, oops.), i just genuinely thought that i'd somehow perish?? Like i wasn't really real in some weird way. I just didn't exist. Even though i was always the center of drama or the cause of all things chaotic, i was always misunderstood. god that's so fucking cringe but hear me out.

I always said shit that i believed was clear enough to be understood and yet it wasn't. Even my tone apparently has been rude this entire time. But no one would actually tell me how i come off, they just ate it up in silence and then spaz on me. Even now i don't really understand because i truly believe i am very clear on what im saying. Yet it's still...not seen the way im trying to show it? Idk if im making any sense bruh but whatever. Maybe im narcissistic but no one understands my brain the way i attempt to express it...or i guess how i see it. Idk i guess im just frustrated that no one understands me or gets my brain.

Also it's super cringe when people tell me im mature for my age. Literally eat my shit. actual ick. get away from me.

I hate my mom. She hates me too but she hates me bc I'm not the pussy she wishes she was when she was my age. She's the most childish person i know. I genuinely do not care what she thinks of me whatsoever. She's just power hungry and immature. Actually, I don't even hate her, i just hate that she gets to have all this power over me. I just want my freedom, thats it. She can hate my lifestyle or whatever the fuck, as long as im not living with her. At the end of the day, im truly content with who i am as a person and my moral compass etc, she cant affect that. I just need to have my own space and leave her household to finally be free and actually experience life in a comfortable and more peaceful way. I guess that's all i can say rn. I just wish she would respect my boundaries and stop treating me like im her competition and she'll always be superior. She won't and i cannot wait for the day she finally see's that lol.

!! super irrational moment alert !!

LMAO this is super cringe but like when i started music i put "listen 2 my moozik" in my bio bc we say muzik in albanian but americans wud have 2 read it as moozik to get it right + its funny? Ever since i started rlly getting exposure and performing out there, all these NON SLAVS/BALKANS have started putting it in their bio's 🙄 like be fr, its sooo obvious (at least to me). And now some of these mfs i've interacted w startes stealing my lingo and the way i type [this isn't how i type when i txt friends. its worse and i shorten everything in a miserable way cuz its funny] and it's cute at first but now mfs on social media posting the way i do and talking the way i do. [insert side eye bc yeah] and it's kinda cringe cuz they're actually rlly shallow and mainstream people, they just look like they trying 2 hard to be quirky. lol.

im probably tweakin tho idk.

i wish i grew up with art. i wish my parents had that and were able to introduce it to me. I feel like a fraud when i try to be creative and do things. Even with making music. As much as i enjoy it and love it and it really does make me happy, it feels fake. I can't play any instruments, i can't sing, im far from a good writer, fuck if know anything abt music theory...i literally just click buttons and make sounds on my computer lol. I didn't grow up indulging in art and creativity, i was actually always super bad at it. I wish i had a deeper connection with it. I wish i understood it better. I wish i expressed it better. I wish my ideas were my own. I want to be able to create something that is truly mine without feeling like im a fake.

UHHHH so imma just come on here and vent whenever i feel like i have something i need 2 say. This is intended for the void, if u come across it...cringe.

[foxtriestobiteandmaimandkilland]

big long rant abt how happy i am rn but its LONG ^_^

holy shit . its a sunday evening and im somehow SO FUCKING HAPPY. like. nnothing even HAPPENED today i just had A GOOD DAY IN GENERAL this is incredible. like. i watched a nice tv episode and saw a funny video and played some minecraft and hollow knight and watched a fuckin crazy jrwi episode and woke up before the sun and felt the wind and watched the sun and heard the birds and. man. and tomorrow i know i have school and thats not even ruining my mood at all. because i have history. and my history teacher is nice. and he wont mind that i havent done any of the work because he gets it. and he explains things in interesting ways and hes kind and he never shouts and its the only class i not only feel comfortable asking questions, but where i WANT to ask questions because hes NICE about questions and i usually probably wouldnt care abt the shit were learning abt but he tells it like its actually REAL and not just a sheet of information. and im just happy. and whilst i didnt finish my codeflippa drawing like i hoped i would, i think ive come to terms w the fact i dont think i wanna ever Finish it, bc my creativity for it died down. i think ill just surround it in a few more flippa doodles n then post it bc ITSF FINE !!!! man. and like. i think ive remembered how it felt to be 5 again. when everything was SO EXCITING and i had no worries about the future because the only thing that EXISTED was here and now. and the world WAS big and scary but it was also incredible and interesting and full of light and colour and. like right now i can smell dinner cooking and for once im taking a moment to feel excited about that. because YES dinner happens everyday but !!! isnt it great that theres gonna be food soon !!!!!! and ill be able to eat it and i hope its smth i like. my sense of smell DID get fucked up 2 years ago BUT THAT ONLY MEANS DINNERS EVEN MORE OF A SURPRISE !!! it smells vaguely of HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT IT SMELLS LIKE THAT ONE CHICKEN DISH I HAD A LOT LIKE 5 YEARS AGO it most likely isnt that but ica nt belive i remember what that smells like . and like !!!! right now im listening tot he celeste soundtrack AND ITS SO GOOD !!!!!!! and MUSIC SOUNDS SO GOOD !!!!! and i played minecraft today and i tamed a dog called. smth. i havent named it yet. and a cat named smth toast related bc i was rlly hungry 4 toast and then i saw it. and i found out there r 3 seperate villages all really close to my base and i built a farm with potatoes and carrots and wheat and i mined for ages and realised my sense of direction in minecraft maybe isnt as bad as i thought it was because i spent like 2 hours in a cave and got utterly lost, but still knew which way west was. and i played a little hollow knight and didnt do too much but got across greenpath because i started a new save yesterday where i did all of crossroads. and if i play more hk later im gonna complete greenpath (or atleast what u can do b4 any other areas). and i saw my cat this morning !!!! and he was so friendly and he went meow meow meow and i went meow meow meow. and i just watched the new DW episode and !!!!! it was rlly good !!!!! ofCOURSEit had its moments of :/ BUT THAT DW FOR U IT ALWAYS HAS ITS :/ MOMENTS but it was SO good !!!!!!! and i love life sm rn and i can hum along to celeste music and my room is a good temperature and. my face ghurts bc ive been smilng so much. but im happy ^_^ and who knows how ill feel later tonight but what matters is that RIGHT NOW i m so in love witht he world :3

[phantaloon]

tw for stuff that my trigger ed and stuff, just in case, like it's not really ed related, but very related to food and weight loss (albeit unintentional)

but long story short, yall know how I've been sick right?? so like i literally haven't been able to keep anything for more than two hours tops and i literally feel so bad rn

like i feel so hungry, the hunger is there all the fucking time and like i feel so weak and tired too

thankfully I've had a semi chill week, but i have so many things to do for the next two weeks, and so many projects to finish, and so many fucking things to study but i literally cannot make myself do anything bc of how weak i feel

and ik i should just go to the doctor already but i also know they're just gonna order a stool test and a blood test and i can literally read those myself

so im just waiting to see how im doing for next week :( and if im not doing good by next tuesday (a whole week of me feeling sick) im gonna have to go to the doctor anyway

but yeah i feel like absolute shit, i feel hungry all the time and everything i eat ends up in my toilet before any nutrient can be absorbed

im literally running on water, gatorade and oral rehydration solutions :(

[thisdogpaystaxes]

i work really hard and i can't win. i'm doing really bad at work learning my new position that i busted my ass to get and i feel so dumb and i can't even try to talk about it bc i cry bc i'm so sensitive to it bc i really want this and i want a good work life balance but i can't have that if works not computing. i haven't been able to work properly in months and it's bc i haven't been taking my adderall.

i transfer for my new job on monday. I DONT HAVE A CAR! my fucking car is still broken and being worked on. i've poured my savings into this car, my savings that i'm trying to use for school. the one thing i care for most. school. my fucking little dumb seemingly unattainable dream of being a therapist :D how am i gonna get to work bro.

i start grad school in three weeks and i'm so scared. every time i try to get mroe familiarized i'm interrupted by some shit. it's so expensive and i fear nothing will click bc nothing is at work. i'm scared that if it does click, i'll still struggle because i'm working 40 hours and i don't know what i'm even doing. i feel like i'm pouring money into the one thing i want most and i'm gonna fuck it up!!!! this is all i want!!! i just want to be a therapist so fucking bad but there's road blocks!!!

i know i need to be patient and grind for what i want but i'm gonna fuck it up! BC GUESS WHAT THERES MORE

my cyclothymia is doing its thing and i'm really sad and depressed and unmotivated and i can't feel properly. i've been with this guy for a few months and he's awesome. he treats me perfectly, he takes care of me, he gets along with my family- and is also a lot older than i am. but that's not the problem. i just can't do a relationship and ** ***** high key like things just haven't been the same i just randomly stopped feeling the same way about him but he's so in love with me and i thought i felt the same but then i saw my friend and her partner and it made me realize i'm not :) i know what i'm like when i'm in love and immm jsut not. or maybe it's different but he's not the one i don't think and now i'm like oh

but is that me talking or my incapability of feeling that rn bc i'm depressed. i'm also convinced i just won't find romantic love in this life and i've been saying that bc of the love i have for my friend sis honestly enough.

i love my girl friends though like i literally can't get enough of them and they are why i'm alive. they're my favorite people ever!

i would like to add that my body is ruined. it is upsetting. bc even if i make it i will die young. my hips are so fucked i can barely walk. i keep getting infections. and candida overgrowth in multiple ways. and my brain is rotten. my hands keep cramping and having trouble moving bc my bones r fucked. which is giving me tendinitis. i have an eating disorder so i either binge or starve. bc i don't feel hungry just sick if it's even that. and i drink a lot!

but at least i'm trying right.

and like i'm so capable of dealing with other peoples problems like i have a lot of chaos but i really can and that's why i want to be a therapist bc like fuck let me help you!!!

but things just keep happening. and people in my life keep needing me at times when i just need to be alone and detox and try to be okay. my soul is being torn apart by the limbs. all of these things i just talked about are happening consistently one after another, where the physical deterioration is sprinkled between the life situations. and it sucks. things won't stop happening i just want peace so bad like a day of no physical pain or mental anguish bc im in a rough fucking spot and it's just exhausting

this is me trying. i'm trying i'm trying i'm trying like i'm doing my fucking best but i csnt stay awake bc of my brain and my body both being so injured. and i keep hurting the people around me, not all but yeah the men. always hurting men. not my kiggs though he's my angel baby. they don't deserve it, im just destroyed!