#im saying its beautiful because it actually makes me really fucking sad and i dont wanna talk about it

[onthevirgooftears]

ignoring literally everything else that happened this episode because i am simply not smart enough to even begin to comprehend any of it. areis speech was one of my favourite parts and i think it says so much about her that she STILL extends her hand to david and gives herself some much needed grace.

the metephor about a pig never wishing to be human is really gorgeous and i think it says a lot about how she views herself but also about how acceptance goes a long way. in that scene she makes peace with the fact that maybe she can never truly be a good person and maybe she can never take back everything she's ever said and maybe she'll regret it for the rest of her life and how that can still be okay.

she takes the whole thing in stride and turns it into a positive and extends a hand to a guy she thinks won't take it anyway. that's such an insane amount of growth and the fact that she (hopefully) died still believing in what she said is kind of beautiful if you think about it.

[paging-possum]

on some level I understand that welcome to hell is probably a little harder to sell than hazbin given the *gestures vaguely* entire main plotline of w2h THAT SAID im going to be mad about it forever. because one of them is actually funny and has good character design and compelling dynamics and a good plot and its not the one about the freaking hotel.

[jackass-jones]

Girl like. The reason he said "this is how it should be" and faced death with a smile....is cuz he wanted to die. For 2 years he sat there thinking he was worthless and deserved to die. If he hadn’t be shot, his death would��ve been suicide, he was fully planning to die in a gutter somewhere undetected. When saying "this is how it should be" hes literally saying "don’t cry because I’m dying, my death is a good thing actually because I fucking suck and you are better off without me". I don’t think that’s badass even slightly, it’s actually really sad and really shitty. Shinjiro is so convinced that he deserves to die and hates the idea of anyone giving a shit about him because he literally can’t wrap his mind around the idea that he will be missed when he’s gone, that his death is a bad thing actually. And his last words were meant to be comforting because he fully did not intend for anyone to be there when he died, he intended to die alone, so he says them as a reminder that he’s not worth crying over

Personally, if it were me, if I was holding my dying best friend in my arms who was deeply depressed and suicidal and he said "this is how it should be" uh. I wouldn’t admire him for it??? Like am I losing my mind when I say the way this game handles Shinji is bad or is anyone else seeing this too 😰

[boxheadpaint]

juice induced hill depression. Back on meds again and hopefully going to get in touch with a new psych who can prescribe me something else. Have been very tired and unjoyful the past week but better now and playing modded Skyrim, initially just to make my oc in it but then just kept slamming more thangs in there. Mod that puts bunny rabbits everywhere. Also is there a mod that adds cute animal ears/suits as wearables or one that even makes the girl armor less sucks. Like im either fully leaning into the immersion breaking for self indulgence sake or im getting rid of the annoying shit.

visiting mom in Vegas earlier this month was nice except for the part where I hate Vegas. I know im not great with travel and settling into places can be a tough one for my brain but also my god it’s just evil there. Brilliantly so but still evil. I would have loved to enjoy the scenery surrounding the place more as deserts are just very beautiful and fascinating places but at no point during the day was the temperature less than a full hundred degrees Fahrenheit. It barely dropped during the night either. Between that and varying physical ailments (Oof Ouch My Digestive Sensitivities Lol) (Oof Ouch My Tendons Lol) (Oof Ouch The Agony Caused By Using Stairs Lol) it was the perfect conditions to be a miserable pile when I wanted to be with my family. As sad I was to part ways again I was not sorry to leave that place. Gained a new appreciation for changing up what I eat randomly to keep my body on its toes. At one point mom brought us to a pub and her husband asked for Diet Pepsi while I asked for regular Pepsi. Visually there’s no difference so we got handed the others pepsi and swapped. And then later after he refilled his Diet Pepsi another waiter came up and wordlessly refilled mine as well. With Diet Pepsi. Wasn’t even asked. Fucking stunned. Also went to a near dead mall that was nice anyway

stuck on brain zaps as a symptom of Specifically antidepressants withdrawal. There’s some things describing them as “mini seizures” in function. To me it’s like the body noticing the usual isn’t happening for some reason so it tries to jumpstart the brain into working good like before. universities I can go to with my theories. Back in and at it this week, hopefully to remain consistent for longer than before which will also likely help with the depression and anxiety. More people should just put stuff in their blood if they can

it can be embarrassing to express your misery more clearly to someone, specifying the fact fact thoughts running through your head. But then again it’s only embarrassing because your mind convinced you so, and will convince you that holding it in is also cruel and selfish. Finding it funny that animals probably don’t have as complex spirals and bouts of depression because they dont have a language to articulate to themselves in their own heads that something is awful in a very specific and contradicting way. Or actually no because there is still pattern recognition but that’s more a paranoia learned thing. Is there an animal that can randomly, for seemingly no reason evident to anyone including itself, experience crushing dread and self doubt. Is there an animal that feels shame besides man

had a tilt table test that was embarrassing too but for much more clear concrete reasons. Somehow didn’t know about that second part, and did complain through most of the first part because Oof Ouch Everything Hurts Lol. REALLY did not know the iv thing and had to once again sadly state that no, It has to go in the hand . I will say the experience was funny in the second part from the other ways because my first reaction was literally just “Uh Oh.” The moment I realized it was going to get worse. all I know is my blood pressure stayed consistent throughout, I don’t know what else im gonna hear about it. Hopefully something helpful.

is setting up an ABLE account difficult? Can anybody do it? It’s an issue dealt with by a lot of people but I should at least try to find a way to save money from benefits for the future or in case some stupid medical shit happens that the health won’t cover. I just looked up and saw Vinny sleeping while propping lubics head up with his foot. Hoping I can enjoy things normally again shortly,

8/26/2024, Still better than july

[fatuismooches]

i have been silent but that does not mean i have stopped thinking about dottore

based off of some fanart i saw, im like. 99.9999% sure zandik rarely heard any nice stuff said to him n i dont know why but i just. imagine this in my head. its such a tender, vulnerable and soft moment where zandik, probably akademiya or early fatui days, fits himself between your legs as he wraps his arms around your waist. his head laying comfortably on your thighs as he sits on his knees. its a moment that shows his trust, you know? allowing himself to be small before you, a rare act of submission to your love as your fingers play with his curls, palms warm and soothing as you cup his cheek. n' u just tell him things that he struggles to believe, like how he's so beautiful, and that you care about him, how he deserves to be loved even though he's perceived as a monster. and i dont know, but i wanna gently raise his head by his chin, softly smile at him and say "zandik, you're a good boy." because i know no one has ever ever said that to him, not even his parents.

healing his parental issues frrrr 💪💪💪 IS. IS THIS WEIRD??? IDK IT KINDA SOUNDS WEIRD BUT I DONT KNOW, IN MY HEAD THIS IS JUST. EVERYTHIN FOR ME.

this is just how i imagine zandik, honestly I DONT KNOW WHY BUT THE FANART I SAW FUCKS ME UP AND I WANNA CARE FOR HIM AND PAMPER HIM AND MAKE HIM FEEL THINGS NO ONE CARES ENOUGH TO MAKE HIM FEEL.

i want that boy to be treated like a pretty girl by taking him out on romantic dates and writing him love letters he's 100000% gonna keep, laminate and immortalize. i want to treat that boy like the fragile thing he is, hold him in my arms and kiss him so so gently.

ITS DRIVING ME NUTS.

oh yeah. totally not projecting onto zandik. NOPE. nuh uh. totallllyyyy....

THAT MENTAL IMAGE YOU'VE GIVEN ME... oh my gosh. i am so soft right now. Sniff sob... Zandik being so open and vulnerable in front of you :( OH EDBEWDWE HIM IN THAT POSITION IS MAKING ME CRY HE'S SO CUTE... you have no clue how you managed to get him to be so submissive but you're not going to say anything nor are you going to squander this opportunity. You're not even sure if he's comfortable like that, sitting on his knees but... he seems unbothered and quite actually, content with nuzzling his face into your thighs, having your hands run through his fluffy blue hair soothingly. For once, he is almost eerily silent, instead of being all fight and rebuttal all the time, as he doesn't seem to have a smart answer for your gentle words this time. It's new to you, not him vehemently denying your statements, but you're going to take advantage of it, holding his cheeks and kissing him all over, whispering in his ear softly but firmly about how much you love him and everything you love about him, and that you always will.

CALLING HIM A GOOD BOY... i am on the floor in a puddle and sobbing. Kai your brain >>> peak. But it makes me so sad to know that Zandik's literally never received any kind of positive form of affection all his life 😭 Not even his parents... like fuck I'm in pain for him. It took reader SO long to even break his first wall down (he has like a dozen probably) because of how poorly he was treated by the people who were supposed to "love" him :( he just really needs some love :( i think after a really long time, Zandik would come to really crave your appreciation sometimes. Like, he doesn't make it obvious or anything, but he'll do something like perhaps deal with some fellow scholars without snapping at them, or anything he doesn't really do in general, and look at you expectantly if you haven't praised him yet. Because you're the only one who has ever praised his efforts.

HE DESERVES TO BE PAMPERED SO BAD 😭😭 ugh i know Sumeru is mostly hot and you two can't have any cold bundled up days over there but. i love the idea of you two snuggling and sleeping in one morning. Both of you know you're gonna be late for class, but you're like, fuck it we're skipping. And Zandik scolds you, but he's making no effort to leave either! So... you two just stay in bed cuddling as you pamper him (you definitely were the big spoon quite frequently back then here 😭) Slow and lazy morning as you wash his hair and body in the bathe 🥺 breakfast that you made as he looks over his notes 🥺

Bro i can't even imagine Zandik's reaction to you trying to treat him like a pretty princess 😭 Even when you two are dating he just doesn't understand :( why do you go so far for him? What he gives you in return is far less than what you provide for him... he just doesn't understand, but it seems like you're wholly content with everything the way it is so... he won't let you go.

[natsmagi]

sorry for making yet another textpost but i came across that post saying they dislike transfem natsume because he "canonically hates being perceived as a girl and tries to erase all sorts of memories related to that" and also went on to shame genderbends of him aswell. So, as someone who not only draws genderbends of natsume but is myself someone who is nonbinary and hates being perceived as a woman, i thought id offer my two cents

first of all; i think its important to note that natsume does NOT hate his childhood. in fact, hes quite happy that he had such an unusual upbringing!

what natsume hates is being perceived as weak. thats why he was raised as a girl after all, it was his mother trying to protect him from evil spirits. he doesnt hate the whole "-chan" or "wearing dresses" thing because he has a hatred for womanhood, its because due to his upbringing hes now come to associate those things as being weak. he begs tsumugi to forget about it because that means tsumugi remembers natsume being weak, and natsume thinks tsumugi still referring to him as "natsume-chan" means he still sees natsume as weak. (iirc natsume did however once say that he is a little sad that he doesnt really know how to relate to young boys due to this in poltergeist, but i couldnt find the exact quote. either way that just adds to the complexity of natsumes relationship with his childhood, because while he is happy to be "abnormal" in that sense, it has left him lacking in some areas)

i have to ask though, should this conflict of his not be something we hope he overcomes? should we not want him to develop a healthy relationship with various gender expressions? should we not want natsume to overcome his belief that feminine things = weakness? i want natsume to reach a point where he can wear feminine clothing and not feel like some damsel in distress because of it. i want natsumes character to grow. i want him to develop a positive relationship with his gender because natsume DOES enjoy some more typically feminine things, like baking! he used to bake with his mom when he was little! and i want him to feel like he can indulge in that side of him without feeling insecure.....

i LOVE transmasc natsume, my primary hc for him is transmasc nonbinary after all, but with all these things considered, shouldnt people be allowed to headcanon him however they want? if they hear his story and negative relationship with femininity and how that resonates with them and they themselves are transfem, should they not be allowed to hc him as such too?

which brings me to my next point; my own personal relationship with gender and femininity. i was raised as a girl and i fucking DESPISED womanhood. i hated everything about it. i hated how i felt forced into a box i didnt want to be stuck in, and i hated how it felt like my whole life had already been planned out for me due to societal expectations, aswell as me needing to present a certain way. i was peak "tomboy" growing up, constantly wearing super baggy clothes and wouldnt even brush my hair alot of the time. but despite that i remained miserable. i frankly hated how i looked and would constantly dye my hair vibrant colors in an attempt to make me like myself a little more. it wasnt until i realized "wow, im actually not a girl at all" that i finally let go of believing i needed to look a certain way (and thus, defying it) and started to dress for myself. i started to dress in clothes that made me happy and feel pretty! alot of which leans feminine, but clothes doesnt have a gender, and how you dress doesnt define your gender either, but it can still be a bit scary yknow? especially since i dont want people to think of me as a girl, and drawing a bunch of femstars has really made me learn to love myself more in a funny way. i can put these characters in clothes i think are beautiful, i can explore the more feminine parts of me that i adore but dont want to express in public due to how i want others to perceive me, but it has also warmed me up to femininity even more. because femstars to me feels detached from the expectations of society because its not a real thing!! there are no canon femstars designs!!! i can do literally whatever the hell i want with it and its been so liberating to me!!

all this to say; i think it really sucks seeing the way this fandom treats transfem hcs and explicit genderbends, because like ive said before; they can truly be something so personal. you dont know why that person is drawing what theyre drawing, so its a little unwise to make assumptions based on ........ Well, whatever it may be. i know very well that women dressing the way society expects them to SUCKS, esp if you have personal ties to it, but you have to realize the issue isnt femininity, but misogyny.

[astrofiish]

3 from the game ask!

YIPPEEEE I actually have an answer for this one!

3. 1-3 games you’ve played in the past 12 months that you really enjoyed

most of the games we play we usually stream BUUUUUT we have been playing games outside of streaming (!!!) which is a rare occurrence but our birthday happened one month ago and we were able to splurge and buy some games outside of just stream games.

Persona 5 Royal

If you have not seen just due to my insane amount of reblogs/retweets from the last 4 days, I have finished Persona 5 Royal. And the hyperfixation is insane and intense and it is grabbing me by the shoulders and shaking me AGGRESSIVELY. The hyperfixation is boiling me alive and honestly its not a bad thing but ofc the brain decides to heavily ship the most doomed ship ever!!!!!!!!! AUGH anyways its really good and I had a lovely time playing all 130 hours of it in the last 3 weeks. it would be the #1 game of the year for us if it didn't have occasional homophobia, transphobia, and a LOT OF MISOGYNY! but its on the top for this list rn because I am currently being eaten alive by the persona 5 brain parasites and there is no escape. #akechisweep #godIloveshuakeitssofuckedupandsodoomed

(((((I named the phantom thieves Gay Sex just because I thought it would be VERY funny and a VERY irrelevant decision which meant that I was constantly jumpscared by random characters talking about Yaoi. It was definitely the best decision I made in the game ever)))))

Sea of Stars

Sea of Stars is a game that I did not expect to like as much but Im loving it to BITS! I love the vibes of just adventuring around with friends. It truly brings me joy and it also fucks with my feelings in a really good way (im finishing it tomorrow on stream and Im VERY SAD ABOUT IT CAUSE I REALLLLLY ENJOYED ITTTT)! Also the pixel art is phenomenal I have never seen a game with such gorgeous pixel art that felt as incredibly fleshed out as this game does.

(((((The pixel art is just genuinely some of the most beautiful pixel art I have ever seen and that's saying something as a pixel artist myself. Every second I see some absolutely beautiful animation or background that was clearly so so thought out by the artists and it brings my heart JOY)))))

In Stars and Time

IN STARS AND TIME! This game makes the brain so happy. I love love love seeing games from queer trans game developers who really put so much thought into all aspects of a character. I heavily heavily relate to the main character so it was so refreshing to see that as well as a world that talks about transitioning, being trans, being asexual, having mental health crisis' of whatever type, etc so casually. Truly what an amazing game that really really loves to mess with my feelings and is relatable in such a visceral way.

(((((I dont have as many screenshots but this game is great I promise)))))

but yea ! games are great! I have so many that I enjoyed and this is the list of games that we streamed (specifically) this year that we really loved. All of them are phenomenal (this was from back in September so Persona 5 isnt on there and Sea of Stars should be farther up in the list!)

[superdeluxeaverage]

n just thinking abt the whole shittyness of my whole friendship w/ them n how i tried to ride it out with them when theyd treat me shittily and blame it on stuff they were going thru and tell me that they rly valued me as a friend and hoped we could continue to be friends n then continue to consistently ghost me like monthly and then fall on the same excuses anytime id bring up to them how i felt abt the dynamic of our friendship and how theyd do this super fucking weird in hindsight thing where theyd always go on mini-rants abt ppl need to get therapists and stop using their friends to vent about all their troubles and then immediately start venting to me about all the shit they were going thru with their real friends so that would like put me in a weird situation where id listen to their problems but feel guilty about even considering talking about mines and once i did eventually tell them about my moms then drinking problem (b4 it got real real apparently bad but where it was still something that made me uncomfortable) and they just recommended me a therapist lol. I dont kno if i have a place for them in my heart truly like im sure they tell everyone they know that im a huge loser and a weirdo clingy person or whatever and i kno one of their friends def thinks im a huge loser and was prob just waiting for them to cut me out so they could stop tolerating me but like hypothetically if they did actually reach out and apologize i wonder what id do knowing we shared music interests n stuff like idk that scares me i really especially with my job have been aware of how much of a pushover i am and how unhealthy that is to let ppl walk all over me as if its no problem n then for me to go to pieces when it obv doesnt lead me anywhere but like i wonder if id ever forgive them if they did reach out idk. my whole situation with my mom and how i never forgave her and now well do have a positive relationship with her i dont wanna be a completely unforgiving person cause i kno u have to forgive to be a good person and obviously u have to draw a line to live ur life healthily but idk where that line belongs for me with the way i act like im no big deal with not much goin on. i think abt them and that theyre in their way a beautiful person but i dont think they ever respected me as an equal. i dont kno what id say to them if i had to talk to them i fantasize abt being rude and concise with my words but in reality i dont kno what id say. maybe just that i was hurt. because i was. ive matured a lot since then in ways they would consider maturity (having a job driving a car dressing better) and ways id consider maturity (comfortable with my isolation or perceived isolation, not being so codependent on relationships, greater confidence in musical abilities and musical interests, dressing better) that id wonder how things would go if i was in a situation where i had to talk to them. but mostly it just makes me sad thinking abt it but a mature kind of sad not moping about it or having it eat me up but just like idk u look at adulthood and see how ppl u thought were mature cause they had things u didnt/dont (friends/friend group, driving ability, job) turn out to be more childish than u thought. like where im at now rly things look different looking back theres less envy of wanting to go back and glancing at their face when they came to where i work two days ago i could rly see the weakness and childishness in their face in a way. like looking back im glad i moved forward cause im sure theyre in the same place with the same problems while im in a very great place and have a genuine confidence with who i am as a person

[eurydicejones]

i feel like saying some things that i believe or figured out with my anorexia recovery

-adding protein to carbs goes such a long way. even if its poptarts and lunchmeat. who cares. it helps your body digest the calories and makes it last so much longer so you dont get a super hard crash.

-they are lying about "dont eat before bed" u can eat before bed. it doesnt matter. maybe dont eat until youre fucking bursting at the seams bc that wont feel great when you lay down but if u want to have a bowl of cereal before bed. go for it. im not joking that shit saved my life.

-toppings are great. toppings on ice cream. toppings on yogurt. toppings on oatmeal. i couldnt do toppings on anything else bc itd fall off but it prob works for other ppl.

-if u know ur hungry but u dont feel hungry drink some water ur probably also dehydrated and its like. the water pops the hungry barrier. and then u want food.

-mindful eating (focusing on eating when youre eating it helps with your hunger/fullness cues and like your relationship with food and eating) is so cool. but if youre having trouble getting yourself to eat its perfectly fine to do something at the same time. theres a lot of meals i wouldnt have eaten if i didnt have something going on to distract me. you can do mindful eating another time. its okay.

-food novelty is also helpful. i still have issues when i have like a meal thats all mixed up in a bowl. im just like ya thats enough for me. except for pasta and soup. but thats me i really like pasta and soup. try getting another thing in another container. like fruit or a side. like a banchan. (im not korean thats just the best word to describe various sides that ive literally ever heard)

-starving yourself is actually bad for your skin. im not trying to push beauty standards if u have acne who gives a shit. esp if you dont give a shit. but i had HORRIBLE acne for years. nothing worked. and then i recovered and i still have acne when i neglect my skincare but my baseline is much clearer. and personally that makes me happy. so if you know youre not eating enough and you have acne. could be connected.

-theres SO MANY REASONS ONE MIGHT EAT. like not in the "eat because you need to do this blah blah blah" im talking scientifically. there are many factors that play into human hunger. you god physical hunger. we know her. belly goes "hhnnnggff hungry" and we go okay here u go girl. preparation eating or whatever. you know u wont be able to get a good meal when u need it so u eat in advance. social eating. everyone is eating together. u wanna eat with them. you eat with them. its beautiful. taste eating. like a craving. you wanna eat the thing that tastes good even if ur full. do that with caution bc you might get sick. emotional eating. also do this with caution bc you might get sick. but youre sad youre angry u wanna eat something THATS FINE U CAN DO THAT YOURE ALLOWED. theres also another one where your body is like "we need this food idk how it tastes but we need it" i was never told what that is called but it was in my side of the mountain where he was like I HAVE TO EAT THIS SQUIRREL LIVER oh my god ew its disgusting and then hes like ooooohhh i need vitamin a. that also happens. so theres a lot of reasons one might want to eat. and those are cool.

-ill say this next one with the caveat of im AFAB w the uterus and the ovaries and the estrogen. like yk how m*tt w*lsh would be like "define a woman" those freaks would be talkin about me. i dont stand by them but thats my equipment. and if you have the same equipment you will very likely go through a "second puberty." i have a different menstrual cycle. it was 31 days and now is 28 and its still regulating itself. and i got my period literally uhhh almost 7 years ago. but i lost her so. and i got taller i had like three growth spurts. my chest shrank and then grew back and then grew more. my horny levels went up. normal puberty things but like round two.

-my brain is not foggy anymore. like not regularly. i can think clearly because my brain isnt starving. im not necessarily smarter i can just think faster. and thats cool.

-also i can go up stairs better.

-the only issue is that i have problems standing and walking around for long periods of time. i get really tired. i think i either need to exercise more or its just something im gonna suffer from forever. im probably gonna end up suffering forever bc truth be told. i am scared of exercising. hehe.

-im happier too. could be the antidepressants could be the food. i dont know. but its fun!!!

-heres a scary thing. you will never be prepared for how hard eating disorder recovery will be. i had anorexia but any ed. will be the hardest thing uve ever done. and i graduated high school without knowing i DESPERATELY needed disability accomodations. it requires SO MUCH self reflection and vulnerability and scary shit. eating is terrifying. thinking about why you dont wanna eat is scawwy. gaining weight is freaky. its all scary and hard but u still gotta do it. figure out why for yourself. im not gonna tell you.

-people have different eating disorders for different reasons. for like two years ppl were like "why are you ashamed of your body? why do you wanna be skinny? why dont you think youre beautiful?" and then i figured out literally one random thursday "oh i dont think i have value unless im on the brink of death." and then i was like "thats stupid." and then i gained like 35 pounds and now im here. its not always body image. and its also not always anorexia dont be a fuckass whos like "YOUR ED ISNT A REAL THING STOP LYING" stfu.

-those bmi calculators are lowkey bs. when i was starving myself to the point where i could barely stand and i lost the thigh gap i had SINCE I WAS BORN the calculator was like "ummmmm youre kinda underweight. but a little bit." fake news. and now im healthy. im at my baseline weight. cognition good organs good brain good life good energy good and i checked the bmi thing for a health assignment (didnt wanna but i had to) and it was like "youre actually like slightly overweight. not goooood." and i was like huh. bc like one im. not? and also like whocares. whocares. not i. not i sir.

-following that literally only stupidheads will care if youre fat. like if you have health issues relating to your weight or like its making your life harder. thats grounds to lose weight. thats chill bc thats a decision you make. many haters will be lying about what makes someone fat and many haters will be like u suck bc youre fat. theyre full of shit. dont listen to them they are fuckass stupidheads.

okay im gonna call it there. some of this is just about food and eating and some of it is about body image and recovery stuff. but i hope it was informative or helpful or fun and i love you and youre strong and sexy or youre ugly if u wanna be. u are an ethereal deity of a faraway land or youre like freaky lil swamp creature if thats more your vibe. im proud of you either way

okay bye much love kisses

[abnomi]

i really appreciate bojack horseman for having characters that feel so human.

they feel real, people you could encounter just passing by on a sidewalk. theyre flawed but human with feelings and intentions and desires and opinions! i think its so interesting to see them clash together in their daily lives. they are all multidimensional and have more lingering under the surface than at first glance, and they keep peeling back as the show goes forward, whether the layers are ugly or beautiful. i love learning about them.

this show is So Real. you can point at any major scenario in the episodes and think "That could have happened to me or someone i know" while in the same breath, the most absurd shit imaginable happens in the background inside of this universe with such flawed logic (that is kind of just a caricature of real life). even the people are exaggerated, and the ways they react and speak is very blunt and straightforward. its interesting to see how they all adapt and live in this ridiculous world while still feeling like actual people, even with them speaking in exaggerated ways. i think that the writing in bojack horseman is genius, i dont know if ive seen anything like it anywhere else. the reality being maintained even through the exaggeration is amazing to me, and the fact that theres still enough space left to make serious scenes hit hard and make you KNOW something fucked up happened.

bojack himself being a mentally tormented individual is never used as an excuse for his actions and I really admire and respect that. you can empathize with him while still acknowledging that hes a fucked up person (Horse) . its such a wake up call, too. noticing how his behavior affects other people encourages the viewer to improve but still shows the underlying mental illness in a sensitive light. he isolates himself and punishes himself and it does nothing but make everything worse. the severity of the people in his life's reactions put him further in this pit of self-hatred and loathing when all he needs to do is change for the better. the world crumbles around him, and instead of changing or listening, he tries to make himself feel better and escape it. "fetishizing your own sadness" is a line that really struck me because i was severely depressed and i did that exact thing; i made myself feel horrible because i "deserved" it to compensate for the guilt i felt instead of doing anything productive to get out of the spiral. im not saying that any of this is easy, its so fucking hard. but bojack had resources on SO many occasions and NEVER accepted help. also, seeing Todd of all people reach a breaking point is a Lot. hes such a forgiving person who sees the good in everyone and he still has limits.

the philosophy and messages conveyed through the characters are so important to me. especially with Diane, shes such a complex character. i love her quote of there being no good or bad people, theres only people who do good things and people who do bad things. she is the realest.

so much thought was put into every crevice of this show, everything that was explored was understood by the writers and this was communicated incredibly well. i would say more but im kind of squeezing my mind juices and im low on them rn. I FUCKING LOVE BOJACK HORSEMAN !!!!!!!

[nutzworth]

i did an album rating of penelope scott and i surpassed jrwi episode 100 so now i listen to the VOL 1 SOUNDTRACK!!!! YAAAAY!!!!! here are my thoughts

below the cut because its REALLY LONG. theres a LOT of songs. my favs are "the bastard pirate" and "cunning action" and "the black sea" and "kas' karnival" and of course "HEEHOO!"

the riptide pirates (both): sorry i started this and already listened to these two songs so THEY WERE GREAT!!! sea shanties are freaking awesome. i had no notes 7/10

this is my destiny (gillion): AAHHHHH. the electric guitar fits SO WELL for gillion im writhing. this is soooo intense. i can PICTURE him speedwalking down a big fancy hallway. i love how it speeds up he is GOING he is ON IT. this is HIS DESTINY!!!! kind of goes on for too long though. ummm 7/10

prophetic hero (gillion): dude are ALL the songs going to be this intense or IS it just gillion. THE ELECTRIC GUITAR IS SOOOOO GOOD FOR HIM I WILL KEEP SAYING THIS!!!! charlie slimecicle/gillion is the only one who talked about their hit song hole in your heart being pop-punk and also gillion dressed punk that one time HE NEEDS THIS!!!!! HE NEEDS TO BE METAL!!!!! i dont know enough about music genres sorry if this is not what punk or metal are. i feel like it just looped but whatever. this song is so gillion. 8/10 im HYPED.

prophetic screwup (gillion): this is so funny. i LOVE the idea. pretty good length. 9/10

one more burden (gillion): this is so sad.... no notes good mood setting song. 7/10 i think it sounds underwater and beautiful

the navys daughter (jay): the BELL NOISES AND PEN CLICKS!!! LIKE HER WAITER JOB! (they can also double as clock ticking too.... ohhhh. time ticking down til her secrets revealed. FUCK.) i like that so much. the pretty string riff is so great. the gun shots.... yeah dude.... the strings are sooo pretty jay you are so violin. its so gentle... 7/10

the sureshot (jay): oh were GOING. THE CRESCENDOS OF STRINGS ARE SO BEAUTIFUL! i feel like im in the wild west this is probably because the gun noises and the rhythm feels like horse running. i definitely dont feel like any of these character songs feel like theyre on a boat but thats what "the riptide pirates" is for. 8/10

rebel's elegy (jay): oh so sad... no notes. 5/10 its okay

that bastard pirate (chip): oh this ROCKS. FUCK!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!! THE GUITAR??? the BASS? i think its bass. the keyboard the electric guitar. i can picture chip walking around like an asshole to this. ohhh its so good. its a totally different mood from gillions and its PERFECT. also really good length. 10/10

cunning action (chip): FUUUCK. DUDE. WHY IS HE AWESOME? I LOVE THESE ONES. he sounds so cool chip you are so cool. these ones sound like a band made them somehow. and it makes me really happy. this flute is crazy. THE GUITAAAR chip is so bass. its what he played in the band. 10/10 again i dont care

pirate's legacy (chip): ok sad track for chip. oh what the hell hes talking to me what the hell is he SAYING? all of these sad songs have the same kind of keyboard swell and i dont really care for it. but thats okay. i understand the necessity. is he just vocalizing or is he saying something? i cant tell. 5/10

playful blows: this one sounded like old man earl immediately. in his like fruit patterned hawaiian shirt (<== i realize he doesnt actually have this i was just imagining it). this is CORE of old man earl. hes tropical and hes serving drinks and hes fuckin with you. this is totally a ship-wide kind of play but its old man earl to ME.... the flute is beautiful. 7/10

what lies beyond (anxiety 1): anxiety 1 lol. welcome back keyboard swell. i like the gentle slow strings added though... this IS scary... 8/10 i like it more than the sad songs

the black sea (anxiety 2): oh GREAT. love the deep oceanic ambiance. this is SCARY SCARY. it fits the black sea so well. the um the didgeridoo? i think? that deep rumbling is so perfect. im totally seeing dark stormy waters with big beasts obscured swimming below. 10/10

alveros' tomb: who the hell is alveros. am i supposed to know. oh i looked him up hes the guy that ruled desire island before queen malice hahaha. why is there a song for him... this is so sad and scary... its beautiful though... the scary voice... THE GUITAR IS SO CUTE! the little riff. umm 7/10

grand strategy (anticipation 1): this IS anticipatory. did someone just fart what the hell was that. theyre farting again. this is crazy. this IS SO ANTICIPATORY! okay. 9/10 i really like it

a heart's desire (italian) (anticipation 2): why the hell is it italian. HOLY SHIT THERES LYRICS!!!!!!!!!! AND THEYRE IN ITALIAN I THINK! i heard corazon (heart) and mano (hand). this feels way scarier than anticipation but i guess its hopeful. its cus of the damned keyboard swell. im gonna be fr i kind of hate the swell. 6/10

a heart's desire (english) (anticipation 2): oh its the same but in english. okay whatever 6/10

kas' karnival (quirky 1): OH FUCK YES. YES YES YES YES YES!!!!! I LOVE CARNIVAL MUSIC SOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!! i dont know what ANY of these instruments are but theyre all PERFECT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the high note and then slamming on the low end of the piano. raaaaah oh my god. i love this 10/10

HEEHOO (quirky 2): oh this fucks. holy shit. oh my god. its like kas' karnival but FASTER and MORE INTENSE and its SO MUCH! oh my god so many high notes and fast notes. this is so goobleck. ITS SO INTENSE. theres so much going on. fever dream esque. JUST like how i felt when goobleck was there. the intensity of like slamming on the notes is SOOO PALPABLE. soooo good. 10/10

loved this. EXCITED FOR VOL 2. listening to this made me feel like i was listening to homestuck albums again. so awesome. i love this. thanks for reading and im sorry

[allylikethecat]

i genuinely do not think its possible for any one person to have more energy than i do atm. IM GONNA DIE. please im gonna actually die ok ok ok wait so. i promise i am sane. however.

Matty was still standing in the aisle way, the brim of his helmet casting his face in shadow. Even while wearing a crew neck sweatshirt over his show shirt and tie, George could tell that he had lost weight. He was holding himself carefully, looking up at George with wide eyes, like he couldn’t believe that he was actually standing before him.

TEARS IN MY ACTUAL EYES. george can tell hes lost weight ☹️ hes holding himself like that again ☹️ i cannot DO THIS ALLY im gonna scream and cry in a really good way but also a very sad way pls this is so ☹️☹️☹️ george u fucked up real bad and im gonna punch u for it hoe...

They reached the back of the barn and Matty turned, his arms crossed in front of his chest. George wasn’t sure if the position was a defensive one, or one meant to self soothe.

im convinced u want me dead. this is. AAAAHHH but in a sad way. just that line oh george u fucked up so so so so so so so unbelievably badly LOOK WHAT UVE DONE TO HIIIM im gonna cry. the way u described it is ☹️☹️☹️ like either way hes Not In A Good Way AND. i dont even know. im having. A CRISIS i love this so much

“You’re not my keeper,” said Matty, the ice in his voice freezing George’s veins. “That’s not up to you.”

tears in my actual eyes im srs this is so ☹️☹️☹️ (emoji of the day ong) im literally about to die pls no the one time hes confident in his words is when george has hurt him THIS BADLY that he just has to be IM GONNA SOB. 😭 thats 😭 not 😭 up 😭 to 😭 you 😭

Matty snorted, “That’s funny,” he said cruelly, “because I think you’re the one that pushed me away. You fell off Mars and somehow that was my fault and meant that I was stealing drugs from the barn. Something you went and told our boss to try and get me fired.”

every chapter i think Wow this cannot get any better. then BAM. george being completely oblivious to how badly hes hurt matty is making me want to curl up into a ball and die because of SADNESS im gonna. AUGH. pls no omfg i dont even have words like usually i at least try to say things that Make Sense but IM SO. AJSHJSJSJSH I CANT EVEN DO THAT i need u to write a book Right Now

George blinked, Matty’s words a shot to the chest. Matty loved him. Matty had loved him as in past tense. He swallowed hard.

I AUDIBLY GASPED. nononoejsiqksjswkd pls LOVED IN THE PAST TENSE im about to rip my heart out of my own chest this is the best thing ever pls george LOOK WHAT U DDIIIIIIIIDDDDDD

“You’re missing the point!” Matty shouted, “I don’t want to try.”

STOP IT RIGHT NOW STOOOPPPPPPPP STAWP STOOOPPP STOP IT NOW STOP STPPROOQOSOOWIXIOWOXOS ally. how do u. DO THIS. its eleven words and im clutching my chest and screaming silently. a way with words im sO SRS

“Everything,” said George, “I’m sorry for the way I took you for granted, for the way I didn’t take your feelings and needs into account during our relationship,” he swallowed hard, “I’m sorry for the way I let my jealousy take control and the way I took it out on you, and I’m sorry that I let my feelings about Matthew Healy, the rider I grew up wanting to compete against, overtake my feelings for Matty Healy the person. Because Matty Healy the person is one of the kindest, strongest, most resilient people I have ever met and he shouldn’t give up his dream because I’m an asshole.” George took a breath, “and I just, I don’t care if you hate me, you should hate me, but don’t let more of my mistakes keep you from coming back to Dirty Hit, don’t let it keep you from coming back home.”

THIS ENTIRE PARAGRAPH???????????? im im AWE this is beautiful and its going to make me SOB. 😭 dont 😭 let 😭 it 😭 keep 😭 you 😭 from 😭 coming 😭 back 😭 home 😭 HIS HOOOME ☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️ pls im gonna start screaming crying throwing up pls slpslskqikakdkkwosoi I CANNOT DEAL. difference between matthew healy and matty healy is making me DIE

Matty sniffled. “Do you actually mean that?” he asked, his voice shaking, he had his arms wrapping around himself again.

George nodded. “I’ve never meant anything more.”

HES NEVER MEANT ANYTHING MORE MATTY PLSPLS i am genuinely fighting for my life rn this is the best ever and i love it so much and the way u write them is so Jajjanzjjwjdjjwisijs in an amazing way and im gonna EXPLODE AND DIE because of this one line. "ive never meant anything more." AKANJAJDJWJKZKQJ OKAY THEN DO U WANT ME DEAD. DO U WANT ME SOBBING ON MY FLOOR. BECAUSE I WILL. but also thats The Goal u know. emotion. ok. im going to DIE but pls pls understand i mean all of this in a very positive way and i am not telling u i hate u with this because i actually do not have the ability in my body to hate anything u have ever or will ever write and i am professionally thanking u for writing this 🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️ MY JESUS U KNOW. ok. enjoy ur day and i will be screaming crying in my room over this in a Very Very good way. also i apologise for my lack of punctuation im having a horse gatty crisis

AHHH Thank you so much for reading! I apologize for being so slow in the response department 😭 Y'all are kind enough to send me asks then I take ten years to respond I'm so sorry.

Horse shows are physically hell on your body when you're like, healthy and emotionally stable... Fictional!Matty is none of those things he is struggling... and Fictional!George is so obsessed with him that of course he notices!

Fictional!George has put Fictional!Matty through HELL he is confused, and hurt and thought he found a home and a family and someone that care about him but then Fictional!George burnt it all down with his jealousy. BUT Fictional!George is Fictional!George and is so caught up in himself he didn't even realize it 🥺 He realizes it now though!! Sort of... it's a work in progress

Thank you SO MUCH for reading and for sending me such a wonderful and enthusiastic ask omg I smiled SO HARD reading it omg I'm just so grateful that you not only took the time out of your day to read my fic but to send me such lovely and detailed commentary?! Thank you, thank you thank you! I hope you liked the epilogue and I hope you continue to enjoy my works!! Have the very BEST Tuesday and a wonderful rest of your week!

❤️Ally

[meet-at-tycho]

ahem.

no i fucking adore them both like WOW.. their laughter, i remember? one time i joined call with them and they were laughing when i joined from a joke and. it was the most beautiful sound in the whole world like i nearly dropped dead on the spot. it feels embarrassing to love them so much? but i do i really do!!!! like SORRY.. i cant help it, ive never been happier alright the least i could do is express it. its.

IT IS EMBARRASSING THOUGH, whenever im lonely i just pretend theyre with me. when im downstairs i talk quietly, to myself but in my head im telling them what im thinking about and my opinion on which fnaf game is truly the best okay like. when i sleep at night i pretend we have a sleep over because i think thats so sweet!!! infected my mind like a fucking PLAGUE actual vermin alright. SICKENING

i KNOW its. i know its weird and probably unsettling honestly but. ITS JUST HOW I COPE OKAY theyre so far away from me, i dont know if ill ever get to see them, yknow? NO NIGHT ON THE TOWN WITH MY BESTIES..... BREAK MY HEART its the worst. this is how i cope with that 😞 IDK like

MAN i could go on and on and ON about it, the way im constantly having fun? and even when nothings happening at all, im just happy to be there. happy to share the silence with them, happy to listen to what they have to say, hear about their days, their feelings ETC like

theyre the kind of people you feel like youve known yr whole life yknow? people who have just cemented themselves in yr life so certainly, people who are imbedded in my soul right. I KNOW IM BEING SAPPY but im allowed okay im SAD.. i see them in all the things i do, i mutter their words to myself, im literally constantly saying i miss them in the middle of conversations with my sibling, they get annoyed BUT I DO...

yknow whats funny? anytime i go downstairs with my other friends on call i completely forget which ITS JUST IN MY NATURE alright once i focus on something else im GONE okay im coming back 45 minutes later one of thems gone the other one is asleep like. OOPS.. i was analyzing fnaf to my sibling thats my bad. but with them? its at the top of my mind. cant stay and talk longer, need to go back upstairs they are waiting for me!!!

i think its cuz.. to me, every single moment is precious. admittedly i am still scared to lose them, its just.. instinct at this point. i want to remember every day i spend with them, every conversation and. GRRRRR. i love them so much 🥳🥳 THEY CALL ME CIRCUMBINARY THE WAY I BE ORBITING TWO PERFECT STARS like wow. OKAY...

arent i the luckiest guy in the world? to have not one, but TWO people who understand me so deeply, who go out of their way to know me, to spend time with me ? it makes me tear up when i think about it IM FUCKEDDD man its so over for me. ive always been an outcast, feel like i never fit anywhere but. i fit HERE, this is where i belong!!! thats how they make me feel every single day :]

knowing them has me seeing sunshine and rainbows for the first time in my entire life like. i worked fucking hard, i got myself out of hell but after that i was alone again... not anymore!!! happy.. im happy. all theyve had to do was be here and im more than content, all they had to do was EXIST!!!

stars align in the weirdest ways, but im glad they did 🥳🥳🥳 peace and love on the planet earf

[crowning-art]

TGCF SPOILERS FINALE!

Me and 10 cuties who have been keeping up with my crazy TGCF journey after i finally finished it 2 years later lmaoo

*Note that clown in the center is me and everyone knows why after seeing my wonderful, beautiful, RIDICULOUS AND OUTLANDISH theories throughout the read lmaoo

Without further ado...the finale!!

-------------------------------------------------------

Goushi really swooped in during the LAST TWO SECONDS of this huge novel and really just stole everyone's heart, huh? I love this dude

In the last second, a hand caught Feng Xin’s boot, and Feng Xin caught Mu Qing’s boot. When he looked up, he cried, “WHAT THE FUCK!!! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!! GUOSHI OLD SIR, PLEASE DON’T EVER LET GO, ALRIGHT!!!”

YOOO FENG XIN ACCEPTED HIS CHILD OH MY GODDD DJJDJDJDJF T-T THE CHARACTER GROWTH

THE WAY THE TABLES HAVE TURNED AHHHHH its now Xie Lian who has Jun Wu pinned and nailed down to the ground with a sword djdjdjjdjjd low key, Xie Lian really needed to do that....yknow....therapeutically lol

I love this so much cuz ya, at the end of the day, it's tiring, it's exhausting keeping up a facade and forcing yourself to be someone who u know really isn't you and I feel Jun Wu despite all he's done was very heavily a product of his situation.

“I just genuinely really miss Your Highness,” Guoshi said. “I miss the once-Kingdom of Wuyong,

I miss our people, and I miss the days before we ascended. That’s all.”

“…”

Guoshi then added, “It’s been so many years, Your Highness. Just watching you makes me tired. Very tired. How about you? Are you not exhausted?”

And yes, I get that there was still a bit of inherit evil within him which got amplified thanks to the wuyong problems but like at the end of the day, he's just a sad little meow meow

AND THEN

AND THEN

“…Have I been defeated?” Jun Wu sounded a little lost.

After a moment of silence, Xie Lian took off the bamboo hat carried on his back, took it in his hand, and covered it over Jun Wu’s face.

DJDIFNIFJFJFJFJ DO I EVEN HAVE TO SAY IT AGAIN??? HJDHDHFHFHF U KNOW WHAT IM GONNA SAY AND UGH ITS ALWAYS BACK TO THE ✨️THEMES OF KINDNESS AND LOVE✨️ BRB gonna cry some more AGAIN

Ahh I remember pointing this out a while back but Hua Cheng was always the ONLY one who really helped ground Xie Lian when he was lost and confused. Like the split emotions he kept feeling of not knowing whether to laugh or cry, all gone even when he's told the craziest news yet, aka Wu Ming identity

All of a sudden, thousands of emotions, millions of words swarmed into his head. There was gratefulness, there was shame, there was heartache, there was wild joy, but above all else, there was incurable love.

Lol u guys don't even get it, there were so many parts that were my fave here and I was trying my best to not post the whole chapter here cuz i loved EVERY part, the way Xie Lian leaped into Hua Chengs arm at the end, the cute Xianle trio bickering, just everything T-T

WTF U MEAN LIL BREAK I DO NOT NEED THIS RN PLZ DONT OH MY GODOHMYGODOHMYGOS HUA CHENG DONT U DARE DIE OH MYGOD

All of this:

Hua Cheng’s long and slender fingers gently combed through Xie Lian’s mussed hair. “Then, Your Highness, do you know why I refuse to leave this world?”

Xie Lian couldn’t understand why Hua Cheng could still be so calm at a time like this, as he was panicking so hard he was trembling. But, while feeling lost, he still simple-mindedly asked,

“Why?”

Hua Cheng replied quietly, “Because I have a beloved who is still in this world.”

Hua Cheng said quietly, “Your Highness, I understand your everything.

“Your courage, your despair; your kindness, your pain; your resentment, your hate; your intelligence, your foolishness.

“If I could, I would have you use me as your stepping stone, the bridge you take apart after crossing, the corpse bones you need to trample to climb up, the sinner who deserved the butchering of a million knives. But, I know you wouldn’t allow it.”

They really did invent love, I can't think of anything else to say to this 😭

HIS EXPRESSION MY HEART CRACKED INTO A MILLION PIECES AT THIS WHOLE SCENE BUT ESPECIALLY AT THIS LINE

Hua Cheng’s gaze was gentle and blazing, that remaining eye filled with love, and it gazed at him silently.

He's gonna be back for sure. The red string and the ashes are still there....but it's still soooo saaad

LMAOOO the heavenly officials became homeless fr I'm dying lmaoooo

ROUYE IS BACK YESSSS!!! AND UGHH XIANLE TRIO!! IM SO HAPPY THEY R TOGETHER AGAIN!! I MISSED THIER SHENANIGENS SO MUCH

Xie Lian rummaged around his sleeve and fumbled out a white silk band that was torn in half, and said joyously, “Yeah, finally, the material to fix Ruoye is found! I’ll go patch it up right now!”

However, Feng Xin stopped him. “Patch it up? You?! Forget it, what can you patch? Ask someone else to help you.” Then he turned his head and shouted, “MU QING! COME GET TO WORK!”

Pei Su and Banyue were really an underrated duo this whole book, especially with the way they guarded Ke Mo and the other ghosts lol

Pei Su and Banyue were sitting at the entrance, both of their expressions blank.

Feng Xin divorce arc lmaooo Finally it came to an end...and in a really nice and mature way. I really appreciated the way MXTX wrote Jian Lan's whole character, like she also grew as a person and is def underappreciated

However, Jian Lan withdrew her smile. “What you’ve said are all things of the past. What was love once doesn’t mean it’ll last. I’m not interested in being a charity case and a nuisance.”

And Xuan Ji! Everyone really grew up huh? (*sobbing incontrollably*)

Still don't like Pei Ming smh overgrown man child fr U go Yushi Huang for showing him whose boss!!

GUZIIII MY HEART NOOOOO I really respect LQQ for doing this

so I could only…gather a bit of the soul particles of the Green Ghost and keep them in a lamp. Now he shows up in front of me every day hugging that lamp, asking when the soul within the lamp will grow bigger! I really…”

And Guzi! Fret not! Qi Rong will be back cuz his ashes aren't destroyed!!

THE PEARLS ARE BASICALLY A GIFT FROM THE INLAWS THAT HUA CHENG HAS NOW DJJDJDJDJDJDJFJDJD

A moment later, Xie Lian nodded slowly. “It’s mine. It’s a pair of pearls my father and mother gave me when I was young.”

Lol Ling Wen's punishment thooo and the subtle hint that Ling Wen may have acc cared for the dude despite everything kinda warms my heart

Ling Wen gave a small laugh. “Your Highness, don’t say it like I would do anything for him. After all, I’m cold-blooded and recognize no loved ones, so why would I do anything like that?”

“Is that right?”

“Let it be.

I love love love the way the passage of time was described here God I don't know how to explain it but I love it

People came like the tide, then left like the tide. Mount Taicang regained its deserted lonesomeness.

Atop Mount Taicang, there used to be an enormous field of maple trees. They were all burnt down by that massive fire, but reborn after a thousand years. They were no longer the same ones Xie Lian leapt through to train once upon a time, but the landscape was the same.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASAASASSMXKXKXJXNCJXNX AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

With three thousand Blessings Lanterns rising along with the night behind him, that man turned back and gazed at him. Robes redder than maple, skin as white as snow; between the brows of a face so handsome it couldn’t be stared at, there was still that wildness and a feral aura, a proudness that couldn’t be cut down.

There were no words. Both started walking towards the other.

A step, another step, each step faster than the next, then finally, they started running.

He ran forward whilst tears fell and stayed behind him. Xie Lian voiced this in his heart: he believed.

He believed that this man would die for him again and again, and would be reborn for him over and over. Even if he fell into the depths of hell, he would break through the abyss for his “belief”.

Last time, they spent eight hundred years running towards each other.

This time, it only took an instant to fall into each other’s embrace.

DID I CRY HERE? U BET YOUR FUNKY LIL BEAN I DID And u don't get get AGUHH it took 1000 pages for them to get to where they were AND ONLY ONE PAGE TO MEET AGAIN THE ABSOLUTE POETIC METAPHOR HAS ME LOSING MY MIND u have to read through 244 chaps to see them trying to get to each other and when they finally do..it takes less than a page for them to reunite again I AM CRYING RN

The grand final banquet in Puqi shrine, with windmaster and the fellow beggars, he xuan secretly eating with them, fengqing arguing and bantering (flirting basically -_-), heaven's eye, hualian, the heavenly officials dropping by, just everyone finally living a happy life

What a story! Like what a story! Unbelievable!

This is how it started and this is how it ended

However, if people worship the divine statues of this one god and one ghost together, then there will be a miracle

Cuz their whole story is a miracle but that's the point! U can't give up! Xie Lian's story IS inspirational despite being fictional! Believing in your principles and doing the right thing, showing kindness no matter the circumstance, and growing from adversities, honestly I had so much to say but I read the post script and lmao MXTX said EVERYTHING I wanted to say!

-------------------

I'm always the kind to finish books within a day or two but I really didn't want this one to end (hence two years to read it) but God the whole experience was so incredible and tbh, I started documenting my thoughts for myself just so I can reread them later and laugh lmao but then a bunch of you guys kept up with it and it genuinely became such an exciting thing to look forward to after reading as well!!

Special shout out to @silvia-moon and @maause who were there from the beginning!! I loved every comment of yours and had a blast reading them every time 🥰

Ahhhh IM GETTING SO EMOTIONAL LIKE THIS LONG WINDING JOURNEY HAS FINALLY COME TO AN END 😭 (borderline tearing up while writing this post) but alas! Every banquet must come to an end (haha see what I did there? Hahaha....😭😭😭)

And of course there are the extras! But those shall be read some other day! In the meantime, I'm so so excited to get to drawing all my fave scenes!! I can't wait to get to that!

Until then,

Farewell 😊

[sovpologist]

ok finally went ahead and caught up with the season and here are my thoughts!

hmmm... i like the season's concept but not the execution sadly. it feels bad to have an entire season where the central question is "how do you be more than a weapon" and the answer to that question is "kill yourself to save others" i guess????? rasputin didnt really get the chance to live as more than a weapon and ended his life AS a weapon but its okay and "growth" because he's being a weapon... for people he cares about this time? idk, i'm not one of those people who are like "you don't owe anyone anything" because i think helping other people is a beautiful thing to do and i love destiny's focus on community, but i feel like rasputin's ending was more about denying him community if that makes sense... he never really got the chance to experience humanity and be human unless you count his recouped felwinter memories

i feel like there were so many interesting routes we could have gone with a fully mobile and "human" rasputin that i guess the writers were just not interested in exploring... im not a rasputin loremaster so if there was precedence for rasputin being inseparable from his warsats please lmk but it genuinely felt like it came from nowhere that rasputin HAD to die to shut down the warsats. until now they had been treated as something completely separate from him (they were able to operate remotely even when he was shut down for god's sake, although you can argue gameplay elements don't equal canon)

even when ana says "there has to be another way" rasputin's response seems to indicate that it doesn't even matter because somehow someday someone will eventually get hold of the warsats and use them for harm so he might as well just die now, which again is like.... such an unhealthy and negatively self-sacrificing mindset!!!!! it is genuinely really sad to play through all the seasonal missions at once and do a speedrun of rasputin going from confident to completely depressed and questioning his purpose in life if he can't be a weapon and use force to overpower his enemies, and then to have that arc just NEVER be resolved bc he immediately decides he needs to die for the good of others. it was just a completely unsatisfying arc

there are a billion other ways the writers could have sufficiently nerfed rasputin so to not have to deal with an overpowered war god of a character who can call in an airstrike anywhere at any time and can hack every computer in existence simultaneously (listen, i get it, it would be hard to write around that) and i have to believe the destiny writers aren't stupid so i guess they genuinely just really thought rasputin had to die, probably because they wanted something "big" and "shocking" going into lightfall. and i get the meta reason is that this "chapter" of destiny is wrapping up and we have to get rid of some dangling characters and plot threads but idk i don't think that should stop me from being able to critique HOW they decide to shed characters. have rasputin lose access to his warsats and databases and decide he wants to fuck off to felwinters peak to do some soul searching if you really just dont want to have to deal with writing him into lightfall and final shape!

it just feels like such a waste as a character and i'm not even a huge rasputin fan. what really frustrates me is the wasted potential. you barely actually get to meet the "real" rasputin and he's gone, which is why the whole "emotional death scene" fell very flat for me. the ending cinematic was very gorgeous, no doubt about it, but it wasn't as emotionally moving to me as it was to others and i assume thats because i didn't play d1 so i wasn't waiting seven years for this character to actually show up as anything other than ominous backwards disembodied russian voicelines

but i dont want to be totally negative, there were a lot of small character moments i really liked. the bray sisters stuff was great and i loved mara and osiris' conversation, it was nice to see the game acknowledge that they're friends. oh and i genuinely liked rasputin's poetry! submit this man's work to the poetry foundation! it was also nice to see the mid season operation missions get changed up a little too, they felt fun and unique, and seraph station was sooooo fun! i feel like the gameplay elements of this season were great; i just didn't love the direction they took the story in the end

[ask-teamplayer]

You should all say one good things about each other, to yk spread positivity through the group 😁

FATE: I'm glad Ronin didn't set anything on fire when I asked him to.

FATE: You'd be surprised how little he actually listens to me. When it comes to matters of the heart. And matters of the crime.

FATE: See? It's not so hard. Ronin, your turn. Pass it on, you sick fuck.

RONIN: youre really fucking me in the ass with this one. also, i just put the fire thing on the backburner. ill think about it more later.

RONIN: uh.

RONIN: i like that l is out of her middle school catgirl phase.

LILY: irl, maybe!!! heehee :3 i have an anime catgirl discord profile picture.

LILY: oh, we're doing a compliment game, right! i gotta pass one off. okay: i think darin is really sweet! i like how empathetic he is, he always seems to care when one of us is sad and he always wants to do what we're doing, even though he could leave us in the dirt and call it stupid like a certain SOMEONE here.

LILY: i also like how he calls me "bossman" i think it's cute!!! :3 and the chief thing. adorkable!!!

DARIN: sngjdgpdh ok just hit me with that one huh hun aright

DARIN: ok pass on the compliments right

DARIN: i rlly like seth and all he does for us and i like that he stands up for my feelins and shit it really makes a guy feel appreciated

DARIN: hes kinda the reason i got you guys next to the main boss himself so i gotta give him a lil appreciation

SETH: awww, darin!!!

SETH: im glad we're all bonding right now. im really feeling the positivity in the room!

SETH: you know what? im gonna compliment vera!!

SETH: vera, i think youre really funny!! i like your sarcasm, youre getting really good at it!

SETH: and you always go the extra mile fashion-wise, and i think youre really working it! like i always like seeing you dress up! it just shows how much you care, and you get so meticulous. its epic!!!

SETH: youre one of my dearest friends. we should totally talk more!

SETH: ok, your turn!

VERA: I do not particularly like any of you

FATE: Vera.

VERA: I believe Cora is physically attractive

FATE: Okay, sure.

CORA: Well, I have to say I'm flattered.

CORA: Ah... that leaves me two options. I suppose Nahla's the better one.

CORA: I like the taste of your #### ###### ###### ###### and I appreciate the way you ####### #### ###### ##### and ##### ###### ##### ##### ####### ####### and ##### ###### ### ####

CORA: You're real talented. Keep up the good work!

VERA: .

FATE: That is way more than I ever wanted to know.

NAHLA: HA!!!!!!

NAHLA: Well, I can say I already got that impression through our experience, but it's nice to be reminded!

NAHLA: Oh shit, compliments for coolkid then. I don't got anything big to say, you should've left me Seth or something. Oh well!!!

NAHLA: Hey, loverboy, I actually like that you're annoying, and I forgive you for the library incident. That enough for you? I'm EXUDING positivity today!

ENZO: works for me

ENZO: oh shit of course i go last which means i loop back around

ENZO: yall ready for a fuckin TIRADE

FATE: No, actually, that isn't necessary, we can consider the whole team bonding exercise over if that makes you feel comfortable- I'd rather not-

ENZO: oh baby boy no no no

ENZO: you dont UNDERSTAND

ENZO: i have boarded the compliment fate train and this stations gonna be runnin for hours with no possible way to stop short of just jumping out and breaking several ribs

ENZO: better strap in and get ready for the long haul and watch the wilderness fly by cause this is gonna be a big one

ENZO: you underestimate how much shit i have to say today okay ive been keepin it in for a bit

ENZO: i hope you like a lot of trees because i picked out the destination just for you and its going to be lovely and beautiful and exotic

ENZO: you ready?

FATE: Uh-

RONIN: this is gonna be fun to watch.

ENZO: alright

ENZO: here we go

ENZO: AHEM