#im really upset ok
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All of the above, there is only one Geralt, and that’s Henry. Period.
Henry is literally the only reason a live action Geralt of Rivia worked in the first place. And it has nothing to do with him being a big fit dude but everything to do with him being a huge nerd and a bigass fan of the books and the video games. He knew this character. He was literally on set discussing with the show runners what Geralt would or wouldn’t do. This show only worked because Henry was the One good choice for Geralt. Just cancel your fucking show.
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ive reached the point where the term batfam is like a dog whistle to me
#which makes me really upset because i really do love these characters and their dynamics and its just easier to refer to them as ‘batfam’#but if i have to see one more post where jason and damian interact like siblings or really just jason anywhere near any of these characters#im gonna start ripping my hair out#motherfucker would NOT intentionally interact with like over half the batfam#i cant handle any more watered down relationships or forcing these characters into a nuclear family#i saw a mom!selina post earlier and wanted to shrivel up. she would hate motherhood…#im just tired#and god forbid anyone get annoyed with the bastardization of bats characters because ‘um actually i like when everyones happy’#ok great for you go read heartstopper or something#fran talks
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i hate how people percieve avpd as 100% passive. its a trauma disorder, i get angry, i split on people, splitting isnt exclusive to bpd. stop treating bpd like the angry version of avpd its a diservice to people with either.
#am i making sense?#it really does seem like pd spaces think if youre angry or upset you have bpd#and theyll rediagnose you based on that#when they dont even fucking know you or your history#i had someone we were friends with tell us to read about bpd because we were splitting on people#ok man i already fucking have i read them all im very certain i dont have bpd#mind your fucking business#personality disorder#avpd#bpd
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10/10 is Lon'qu Day so here we go, a 10 out of 10 family.
#fe awakening#lonqu#nowi#nah#i really like a couple of their supports with others but i am just so weak for them#that i normally have to get them married#its the only nah support with her dad that im not really upset with bc#with lonqu being afraid of women but not terrified of nowi and just being like fine whatever we can play house#its way less weird to hear the guy scared of women tell his daughter that her mom has always looked young AND TRAIL OFF#in the support chain like any other guy saying well your mom looked young is really weird to me#but it makes more sense to me that hes at more ease around her than others even though she can just#turn into a dragon like ... no one seems too put off by it but its such a funny combo of not being scared of her#despite the female or dragon aspect#idk man i just think its really funny to watch him correct nowi on how to play house ok
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hmmmm mal du pays thoughts tonight
#radio rambles#i should go to bed but. it is on the mind#isat spoilers#<- for the . wall of tags to come#imm wondering what most people hc mdp to like. be#i know its most popular to see it as siffrins sadness. i do think thats p neat#and probably the intention#but im. juggling around the idea of? siffrin system moment? mdp as a headmate? if yall see that vision?#most inspired by that ‘do u hc this character as a system’ post abt siffrin#and i voted no then but now im like genuinely changing my mind JFKFKF#it makes sense in a way. and into my mdp hc that it. wouldve split while sif was very young#splitting due to stress which leads to a lot of. gestures vaguely. mdp’s whole thing#a mix of stress but also this sense of longing to. belong somewhere. to not be alone#many years ago it was about the loss of their home. and much later on became more related to its feelings towards their family#mdp is a scared child to me . idk about yalls hcs for it but thats what im sticking to#a scared child who maybe grew up a little alongside the body. but still Young and Scared#its not as often or eager to front as siffrin is. i can imagine it being much more hover-y or . POSSIBLY. cohosting if its feeling up to it#uhm. ok well#so i typed this out and now im actually really sad about mdp jgkdkf where is mdp recovery#now im kinda thinking about it fronting for once to properly meet the party and. and receiving comfort. and and and#wow christ im upset#also also glancing over at marias sibling au for character dynamics here….. sillies…..#ps not relevant to my mdp thoughts but fyi im imagining siffin in headspace looks very much like their body#the difference being. much darker clothes. more stars etc. maybe different hair#think like how a lot of ppl style their human loops. thats kinda how i imagine sif in headspace#SPEAKING OF LOOP#i think given the time he spent with them it woulf make sense if they split a loop as well#and ofc other members of the party jgkfkf#im not gonna get into my hcs there because ill b taking away from my mdp hc post BUT#thinking. always thinking
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CW: Graphic depictions of violence, lots of Death and Gore, Psychological horror for like 3 lines, mentions of drowning. Please read the tags and take caution. This one's more than a little visceral.
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The King is here.
You walk through crowded halls of rushing Housemaidens getting into defensive positioning. It's like fighting a wave in the ocean, hard to push through the crowd. You make do anyways, curling through paths you normally wouldn't take.
It's a big deal to everyone but you, at this point. This is the big event, the big fight; to you it's simply where time loops back. Just another day, y'know? You've done it over and over, and you'll probably keep doing it anyways.
It's odd, pushing through the crowd. Everyone is going one way and you are going another. Rushing versus strolling. Your hands are in the pockets of your lab coat. You're practically whistling, for crab's sake!
You simply cannot be bothered this loop. It's a failure from the start: you crabbed up making the bomb, which means you're crabbed from the very beginning. You climbed up the Favor Tree and wedged yourself between the braches for a few hours to pass the time, because looping back would be too much of an inconvenience, and you could just wait until the tears started spawning in the house to go back. The birds had a good time at least, one starting to craft a nest next to you.
You ghosted throughout the day, and now its go time. Everyone else is prepared and ready to fight for time itself, and here you are just. Walking. Realistically you're searching for a tear to stop it all before it starts, but luck isn't on your side this loop.
You can hear it, hear it-- the horrors. All the screams of those unfortunate enough to cross the King's path and fight back. It would be easier, for them, to just bow back and let themselves be frozen-- but no one wants to be frozen, because that's having choice itself stolen from you, a cage of ice to lock yourself in forever. It's just as bad as being dead. Stagnant and eternally screaming.
So they march to their deaths.
The King does not take kindly to the Housemaidens fighting back. Some loops, the House isn't prepared for his attack. Those loops are the nice ones, the less gorey ones. Less dead and more frozen bodies, because no one was prepared to brawl with the monster. He can just... swoop on through and take the House without more than a handful of casualties. This loop is one of the bad ones, because your fellow housemaidens were all prepared. You always think your prepared, too, to see the outcome, but you never truly are.
You turn into the main hall, and freeze still.
No matter how many loops you go through, the carnage always gets to you. There's a nasty, overpowering smell of iron in the air and big dark stains painting the walls, the floors and the roof. Bits and pieces of mashed guts and viscera. There were people in this hallway, once.
Not anymore.
It makes you sick to your stomach like every other time. Just the thought of it. There were people here and now there's only parts of them left. Just ten minutes ago or so, there were people here.
There were people here.
The gore goes in a trail down the hall. Paints practically everything-- including frozen people, if you look down the hall. All frozen with shock and absolute horror on their faces. You recognize some of them.
You try not to think about it.
You push on. Try to ignore the way the blood seeps into your shoes very fabric so they become damp. Try to ignore the fact you're trailing someone's very life behind you now with bloody shoe prints.
There are still no tears.
Plan B, then. The King himself.
You hate going against the King. It always ends terribly with you in agony. But that's the only option left right now, so you chase him down on his little path carved from the blood of the innocent. You find him quickly, too- just down the hall.
He stops before you can get too close. The smell in the air is overpowering, the sharp tang of blood and the burning sensation of the sugar.
"Burning one." He says to you. You're not sure where he pulled that one from: the nickname was something different at some point, but you've long forgotten what it was. Maybe it's the smell of burnt, rotting sugar or maybe it's the potions that burnt your throat. You're not sure anymore.
He just... stands there. Turns around and looks at you. You can feel the dead expression you're pulling as you stare back. Blood glints on his armor, shining and the worst sight in the world and all the same kinda beautiful in its own way? Like the lightless gore is the night sky itself, sparkling with little dots. Makes you feel sick just thinking that.
"How have you done it?" He asks. He asks it every time the two of you face off, the same five words. How. A inquiry. Something you have done, you shouldn't have, and he knows it.
You... think you've gotten it, now. Your hypothesis: How you wished. It's not something you were supposed to do. You did something different something WRONG, and it did something to time itself, tearing a hole in the fabric of space. It's wrong. It's wrong, and you know it and so does the King.
He stares in your direction. You think? Despite his hands, blood-stained as they are, not being infront of his face, the mop of hair is still in the way. You can feel the glare still. Enraged. Daggers in your side.
"I don't know." It's the truth.
"You don't know?"
"I don't remember."
The King goes silent. It's odd, having an actual conversation with him. Even if it was a tiny exchange, it still throws you off. He's willing to talk, even if just a question. He's never really talked to you-- or anyone, to your knowledge-- before.
"Ouuuuhhhh... of course you don't." He wails. It sounds like nails on a chalkboard to you. "You shouldn't have been able too, oohhh... not at all..."
He raises a fist up. It sparkles like the night sky, dark dripping from between his fingers. There's still someone's remains painted on them. Preemptively you brace and throw your arms up in an attempt to block.
It's a different thing that hits you. A new attack. A giant open palm slams into your chest, and you go flying backwards into the wall. The world turns to slow motion as something in you SNAPS. Crunches. Your bones shatter and explode with the force and speed, shooting little shards of agony everywhere.
It hurts. It HURTS. Pain rips through your entire body, and you realise you've started to scream when your chest begins to hurt. Blood splatters onto your glasses, blotting out your vision.
You look up at the King. How'd you get on the floor? How are you breathing, with no lungs? You can see fragments of bone stuck between the metal of his armor.
"Let this be a lesson to you, Burning one."
Metal clinks, and your vision swims-- dots in the corners, figures blur. Blood drips down into your left eye and paints half of your vision a dark shade. Nothing but pain.
Make it stop. Make it stop, make it stop make it stop-- it hurts, it hurts it hurts it hurts.
You
Simply stop thinking. Just for a moment.
So your brain can catch up! Yeah, sure. That's a good enough excuse.
Just. Pain. You are pain incarnate, and that's all you will be until you die slowly and loop back.
You
Blink,, and
The King. Is gone. You can hear him leaving, loud stomping footsteps dissapearing down a bloodstained trail, and you just stare.
How lucky, HOW LUCKY of you to be left alive this time. Like this isn't a fate worse than death. You gasp for air, and realise all you have left is blood filling your lungs.
It hurts. You want it to end, now. It's hard to see, over the blood and spots dancing across your eyes, but you see them; tears, floating around you. A quick out. You reach out, and the pain in you flares alive, ripping and tearing you apart. You feel like your flesh is going to peel off.
Your fingers brush into one of the tears, and you sob as the ice rolls down your arm and consumes you. It feels a hundred times better than what you were feeling before.
You freeze in time-- and luckily theres no nightmare you have to endure, you just wake back up at your desk. You spend a good chunk of the morning curled up in the bathroom getting sick, because, wow! That's the worst one yet! It's curled into your very being, the feeling of breaking your bones like rock candy, the feeling of drowning in blood.
You just... have to do it better this time, or... something. Hope is fading away into background static. You can't... do this anymore. It hurts too much. You want it to stop. Please make it stop.
#isat#in stars and time#isat spoilers#in stars and time spoilers#claude looping au#isat claude#in craft and cages#cw death#cw gore#cw mentions of drowning#cw graphic violence#---#ok. wow. this ones really hard to read.#like ok genuinely im worried this might trigger someone so i slammed every tag i could think of on#now im a horror artist. this is my wheelhouse. i do the gore n shit right#please PLEAAAASE be careful. if this one sounds upsetting to u PLEASE sit it out#genuinely very worried abt this one#but also proud as fuck because this is Pretty Good to me and also prib over 1000 words lol#just. dont push y'alls selves for funny au content plz#im very anxious abt making ppl upset haha#i get isat does horror and stuff but this is pretty graphic#please let me know if i need to tag anything else. very antsy here
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Gawd I’m. it’s 4:20am and I’ve been listening to exclusively the new 21 savage album since it dropped last night and I’m thinking abt my ocs . And spacewaffles I suppose
#RRRGG I can never get Bacon’s colors right but it’s ok!!!#it’s sooo okay and fine I’m deffo not upset abt it ^_^#lifesteal smp#baconnwaffles0#planetlord#oc: Corduroy#im so proud of the name Corduroy I really like it . need to flesh out her character more <33#UGH ok I dislike how Planet’s head/hair looks and Bacon’s hair is too fucking saturated AND you can’t tell that’s it’s braids !!!#Corduroy looks fine. love you Corduroy <333#according to procreate I spent 2.5 hours on this OHGG MY GOD WHYYY#ok caption true tho new 21 kinda awesome#my favorites so far r see the real and uhh#wait hold on#and just like me . special mention should’ve wore a bonnet . THAT song takes me straight back to middle school and swing screen doors <3333#AND ICE POPS AND WATER BALLON FIGHTS that we were allowed to start past 7pm cuz parents would make us clean up and we had school#damn. I love music#ok bye I’ve been here for long enough and i probs need to sleep lol#nox art
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oooo it's been a while since the last snippet :]c it's another fantasy au one where I'm! Putting! Barnaby! Through It!
a minor warnings: implied/referenced major character death <3
No one eats dinner, and Frank won’t stop tapping his spoon against his bowl. Tok tok tok it goes, over and over again.
Poppy made a simple stew from their provisions, but only Eddie and Sally make an attempt at tasting it. Their halfhearted ‘it’s good’s don’t pierce the pressure weighing down on them all. Barnaby swears he can taste it, thick and cloying.
Already he keeps catching himself looking for Wally. Where is- he starts to think, and then he remembers the moment Wally fell with a spear piercing his chest, and the grief rises so fast it nearly drowns him in a heartbeat. Barnaby can’t bring himself to try and hide it behind anything but a stony mask. In any other situation he might try to put some levity into the group. Cheer up the sad and empty faces staring into their meals.
He wouldn’t be able to think of a single lighthearted thing even if he wanted to. He doesn’t.
Tok tok tok-
Shuffling from Howdy’s tent has everyone glancing over at it, and Frank’s spoon stills. Howdy briefly woke up while Poppy was cooking. All he did was sit up, look at everyone, then pitch to the side and vomit. They got him into a tent before he passed out again, mumbling something about puppets. Frank made a comment about how Howdy was supposed to be a bit out of it, not at fae-drunk levels of hazy. Eddie had muttered back a dejected apology, and after that the camp was silent until Poppy’s announcement that dinner was ready. The spoon continues tapping when the shuffling stills.
Tok tok tok-
Since Eddie and Sally saying that dinner is good, there hasn’t been a noise beyond the occasional sniffle. It’s a good thing Julie isn’t trying her stew - it must be disgustingly salty from all the tears dripping into it.
Tok tok tok-
Barnaby sighs through his nose and puts his bowl down, sick of looking at everyone’s misery. He would say that he’s going to go sleep, but he has a feeling that none of them are getting a wink tonight.
Tok tok-
Before he can stand, Frank blurts, “We shouldn’t have attacked it. It was a mistake.”
“Please don’t,” Julie begs.
“There’s no need to rub salt in the wound,” Sally says firmly, her stew starting to sizzle from the rising heat in her hands.
“Not right now, Frank,” Eddie mutters.
Frank visibly bristles, and he launches to his feet. “I refuse to pretend not to have seen what I did! The truth is a terrible thing, but someone needs to say it. Wally lied to us.”
“Frank…” Barnaby warns.
“We shouldn’t have attacked the demon,” Frank barrels on, ignoring him, “because there was no need to. It didn’t eat Wally until the end because the demon is his patron. Wally was never a wizard at all, he was a warlock-”
Barnaby lunges with a deep bark that echoes against the trees. The crickets symphony falls silent. Frank trips backwards over his seat, staring up with wide eyes as Barnaby stalks around the fire, growling. Eddie and Sally slowly stand, inching between him and Frank.
Barnaby stops, snout bunched and canines bared. He jabs a claw at Frank. “Don’t you ever say that again. Ever.”
Frank’s mouth flaps uselessly for a moment. When he speaks, it comes out as a whisper, “I’m-”
“If you end that with right instead of sorry, I’ll make damn sure that you are.”
Frank wisely keeps his mouth shut. The crickets continue chirping.
Barnaby glares at him until Frank looks away. Barnaby straightens his vest with a sharp tug and strides away from the fire, towards his and- his tent. Just his, now. Murmuring breaks out at his back. He yanks the flap open, grabs his pipe and herb pouch, and heads towards the forest. He pauses only to listen by Howdy’s tent, waiting to hear proof of life before continuing on.
Once he can’t see the firelight anymore, Barnaby chooses a random tree and sits heavily in front of it. Rough bark digs into his back through his vest. A night bird hoots overhead. Crickets continue to make their music, but Barnaby wishes they would shut up for good.
Light from the full moon pours through the branches to provide just enough light to see by. Barnaby holds up his pipe and quickly puts it to the side to take off a grimy glove. The heart-pad and blue fur underneath contrasts vibrantly with the dust-grayed rest of him. After a moment he removes the other glove, wincing as the leather drags over his injured knuckles. He turns his paw over and scowls at the dirty black edges of the red-raw scrapes. He should have punched harder. He hopes it scars, even though he knows it won’t.
The gloves themselves are scuffed up, but not beyond use. Barnaby folds them into his pocket and gets to work lighting his pipe. He packs it and instinctively opens his mouth to ask Wally to light it for him. The words die on his tongue as he turns only to see dark forest. Empty woods save for the tiny blue lights of night wisps floating on the breeze.
Barnaby stares into the darkness with yawning dread. He keeps looking. How long will it take him to stop? How long until Wally’s face starts to smudge in his memories, until his voice is gone and Barnaby doesn’t even remember what his smile looked like? How long until Barnaby only thinks of him in passing?
He doesn’t want to reach that point. He desperately does.
Will it hurt more or less? Does it matter? He wants it to ache until he dies.
Barnaby frantically fishes his sparkrune out of the herb pouch - only there for emergencies, when Wally or Sally isn’t there to light it for him. It will wear down to a nub within the month. He strikes his thumb claw against it, and sparks fly expertly into the bowl of his pipe. It takes a moment to catch. Barnaby lifts the bit to his lips and takes a drag before enough smoke forms for a lungful.
Maybe he should have grabbed the stronger stuff. If he breathes enough of it, maybe he’d be able to see Wally.
But Barnaby doesn’t get up in the end. He sits against the base of a tree and hugs himself, the pipe’s intermittent glow betraying the shine in his eyes.
#this is a shortie but that's Snippets babey!#oh and - *temporary major character death!!!#if there's one trope i absolutely dig#its Hashtag Not Dead!#yes i Will use it whenever plausible!#barnaby and everyone: auuggooodfhsdkjfnd wally is deaaadddd#meanwhile wally is absolutely vibing with home <3#ok not really. he's having a Rough time. but he's fiiiiine#how many words does this full fuckin thing have so far though#11129!!!! YEEHAW!!!!#im keeping it in my back pocket for now <3#snippets from the bog#aaaaaand thats my cue to go the fuck to bed#im gonna finish this milk tea and pass!! out!!!#today was a lot! got some blood stolen! had to do paperwork! Got A Salad!#found out i'll probably be very late to the update party! im still very upset and i will continue to be!#ALSO SORRY IF THIS IS ROUGH LMAOOOO IM STILL WORKING MY WRITING MUSCLES BACK UP TO SNUFF#ALSO I ONLY WRITE WHEN IM TIRED. WHICH IS A BAD IDEA DONT DO THAT!!!
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literally how i feel any time i read this line. absolutely NOT
i think he's a great mirror type character for the mc depending on how much you draw on the default ra-on and their characterization, but more specifically their feeling of inferiority to solomon (which i take for my mc loyal). both the mc and bael are stuck filling in for a role for a king that neither feels they're well equipped for or were even born to hold and the fact that bael's so used to taking the fall that he's automatically ready to do it for you too is just. man. orz
#cliffnotes/.txt#whb#bael whb#its so...augh he makes me so sad#ik itll probably take forever to get to avisos since the promised chapter 6 hasnt even released yet#but waiting so patiently to pick bael apart (not really patient (vibrating like a chihuahua))#bael and mc spiderman pointing meme#god and both being like an imperfect copy#just similar enough to pass off as a fraud but so very different at the same time#and bc of that they'll never be true replacements#though the mc isnt even supposed to be one its like#the moment of disappointment almost everyone has shown when they realize its not solomon#even if they change tunes and bounce back quickly its there#happy to meet you but still upset its not him#and the underlying expectation that it *should* be him at first#like how it should be beel in avisos. but its not#both get a good amount of reassurance and support from those around them tho i will say its nicd#esp after seeing how the rest of avisos' camp feels abt bael#they love him and trust in him so much even though he always feels like hes failing them just by not being the king#he does so much and still feels like itll never be enough#ok now im just rambling its time to be quiet before i write an essay in here
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uuhhh in other new that lmk s5 trailer dropped and people are very
mixed
for context the new season is being partly animated by wildbrain i think. flying bark is still working on the show but probably due to all the other projects they've been working on like the atla movie the animation is off.
its understandable that people are upset. lmk has some of the most consistently dynamic and lively animation ive ever seen, and going from that to ok animation kinda sucks. as a culmination of a lot of what the series has been building up to people were inevitably going to be disappointed
at the same time people shouldnt harass animators. like ever. no amount of trying to petition or anything will change the s5, people are just trying to do their job and theres no probably no major changing to the finished product by now. and theres still a lot of that lmk charm in there, and we haven't even seen the whole season yet to judge it. flying bark is still working on it, and even if the animation never reaches the peak of the old seasons it still has the same writers so at least the writing has the chance to live up old standards. idk though we'll just have to wait and see
#i do think they could have just delayed it after dealing with other projects but with the anniversary lego might have jsut forced them????#and with how the animation industry is i guess they didnt have a choice#tbh im still really sad about the downgrade but after rewatching the trailer a bit more its not that bad despite the tweening#we've been spoiled with the other seasons but i think people will get used to it at some point. maybe#though i cant forgive some of the new stuff like li jing and that dragon tiger duo they do not fit the artstyle at all#though for li jing i think the problem is mostly proportions and how small his eyes look#but the dragon and tigers snouts just look bad.#ok looking at it again i think it looks weird because theyre dissolving. the design's still off but it wasn't as bad as i first thought.#but the proportions and shapes feels like it just isn't from lmk#idk i could nitpick but negativity is tiring and these guys have big shoes to fill for a show they werent prepared for it was inevitable#for any last takeaways please do not be mean to the animators#also studio changes are normal so its not some horrible injustice or the sign of the end times im more upset lego didn't handle it better#i still hope s5 is good and i want to believe it'll still be satisfying by the end the plot so far sounds pretty interesting#or atleast that the atla movie is good enough to compensate#and if im feeling greedy there will be a 6th season that gets better#and there are still good shots throughout all of this so maybe it'll work out with the season as a whole#with how popular it is in china i dont think its out of the question#idk though a lot of information is still up in the air so i guess we just wait#lego monkie kid#lmk#monkie kid#alttalks
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my advice for anyone whos growing more and more frustrated with the state of aftg and fandom at large is that arguing is fun but you need to be happy. ok. you need to. its hard when bad faith takes are dropped to your doorstep but you need to be happy and enjoy yourself and have fun or there's no point in anything at all ever. ok. fandom is not real and nothing is worth more than your enjoyment. i love you please make sure to have fun and reach out to a friend today. for me
#this goes doubly for fans of color if i'm honest#i say this bc a lot of my mutuals either currently or in the past have been very upset about how the fandom acts#and ive Done My Rounds with that ok#ive survived great wars even. and they did not make me happy#yes i was right and yes i should have said it but ultimately there was no material harm to choosing to have fun instead#lifes hard as it is in the real world where real things happen why would you waste your precious fun time on fighting crusades#and trust me i understand deeply the wish to fight crusades. Ive Fought Them. it got me hate mail and#an overall loss of passion for something i held sincerely in my heart#theres nothing more worthy than your enjoyment im serious. none of this is real and the world is hard out there#you need to get a good thing while u can#i dont remember a single time where ive actually felt vindicated by arguing with people online about. anything really but even more so aftg#but i remember in perfect and fond detail every time the (now defunct) kandreil discord server came up with an au#or even just normal casual conversation#i remember asks i got years ago about kevin day hcs that i hardly even agree with now but still love#trust me you will Not remember these squabbles what you will remember is what you loved and if youre lucky thats a lot of memories#so have fun ok. for me#txt
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Hate thissss I feel like I haven't been properly productive today (somehow posting two art things Doesn't register properly in my mind) so I wanna stay up to get as much as I can down, but I also need to go to sleep in case I'm called in tomorrow because fuuuuuck going to work on little sleep that shit sucks. But also, the possibility of being called in makes me wanna stay up even more, so I can finish art in case I don't have time tomorrow. So now I'm sat up at 12:30 tired as shit but unable to draw or go to bed. The never-ending cycle of hell.
#ramblings#i wish they had someone else to call in on short notice. i dont hate coming in extra but i hate getting a text at like 7:10 when kennel#hours in the morning start 7:30. i knowww i should probably set a boundary but like. fuck#and you know what i wish my parents bothered to fucking understand how frustrating it is being called in so frequently#my mom specifically. i bring stuff with work up and its like a broken record. `if you go in all the time youll be seen as reliable!`#when i was talking about getting a day off to see my brothers marching last weekend she was like#`see what did i tell you? you make yourself reliable and theyll let you take off what you need` talking like i just asked for it off#after it had already been scheduled. girl i had to ask people to cover me still. i just#i hate it. i havent told her i told them i didnt wanna work clinic hours because she'd drill me about why#its just frustrating !! and when i say my genuine feelings its like she needs to correct me. like im thinking wrong.#this is why i had to fucking snap before setting the boundary of not covering clinic hours. because its always#`do what they ask every time because youll seem reliable` from my mom no matter fucking what. and then i already have issues#setting boundaries in general because i dont want to upset others or make them mad at me#ok sorry this has turned into. a wholeass vent. im just. at my wits end can you tell?#at this rate im really just getting nothing done. im going to bed#dont worry about me ill be fine. i just need to let it out and this is kinda my only outlet rn
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Not to get deep here or anything but i really think i dont want to have a relationship with my sister anymore and ive been reflecting on that a lot. like sure she didnt abuse me or really do anything to directly traumatize me, but she voted against me having human rights because im queer, as well as voting for a party that wants to harm first nations people despite both of us being first nations i just.... i dont think i can forgive her for that. weve had laughs and good times together but i find myself unable to forgive her for her politics. i wouldn't tolerate bigotry from anyone else, i shouldnt tolerate it from someone just cause theyre family.
#can anyone provide me guidance on this? ill bring it up with my therapist but i dont see her for another week#anyways im making myself cry late at night whats new lol ive been processing a lot this week#ok eta: and theyll always make you feel bad for this!!!!!#theyll be like ''ok so everyone has to bend to your commie regime to have a relationship with you 🙄''#like yeah actually you do#if you really loved me like you claim to you wouldnt be FUCKING VOTING FOR THE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO TAKE MY RIGHTS AWAY#yes you do have to respect my rights if you want to have a relationship with me that is completely reasonable#whats ACTUALLY unreasonable is you asking me to ''just get over'' the fact that yall support people who think i shouldnt have human rights#right wingers will try to gaslight you into believing basic human decency is an unattainable and torturous request#then when you get upset theyll be like ''god the left is so emotional 🙄''#like yeah. i am. and you should be emotional too about human rights violations. the fact that youre not is pure evil.#anyways ill go cry myself to sleep like a faggot now#it just breaks my heart that i dont have any immediate family members who dont blatantly hate me for being queer/first nations
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make your mean spirited jokes about men all you want but byeeeeeeeeee
#dont expect me to want to stick around and be ok w hearing it. im tired. idc anymore.#im over here trying to feel euphoria about myself and everyone else is trying to make me feel like shit about wanting to be a guy#so for my own mental health im peacing out.#i think ppl really underestimate the negative impact hearing 'men are trash' repeated over and over and over again has on trans guys#when a message is repeated enough to you you start to believe its true or at least pretend to to not upset the people around you even tho#it hurts so fucking badly to hear- that the kind of person you are is just irredeemable trash.#thanks. bye. fuck off and out of here.#like this was the website that was all 'we dont need men anymore genocide men' like i remember reading that shit ok. im tired. im over it.#im worn with enough experience with this kind of shit that i dont want to be around it anymore.#and no the 'genocide men' shit wasnt a joke. it was a serious consideration on a post about the possibility of conceiving children#through bone marrow.#I Dont actually have to hangout w you if i constantly feel like you're shitting on me
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🐇🎀✨
#/sometimes/ i looke myself in the mirror and im like..#hmmm ok no i dont look pretty like all the other girls#yes im weird looking#but maybe im kinda cute and a little bit pretty *in my own way*#even if most ppl dont see it... i can see it#and some do see it...#so maybe... it can be true#but im really trying to just accept what i look like bc i literally cant do anything to change that#i will always wish that i was actually pretty like all the pretty girls i see but that cant ever happen#and it's so exhausting to constantly be upset about it... but yeah i dont know
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ngl gamers, I think I'm gonna inevitably lose to the hormones and depression in the near future XD
Can't bring myself to be active cause I'm using a lot of energy to not vent post all the time. But fuck it, into the tags I go!
#I want NO MESSAGES regarding this. let me just be upset and alone#you spend most of your life trying to not succumb to sick brain but honestly I don't think it's worth it in the long run#my life is for better or worse....decent. but I've lost the drive and happiness to really DO anything a long time ago. like whats the point#the only reason I havent killed myself yet is cause Im too lazy (and dont have access to a gun for a quick getaway)#and I'm saying all this DESPITE having stuff to look forward to in the near future. it's like AUGH whats the POINT IM always gonna suffer#why does mental health take such a toll on ppl. this shit sucks ass. and I still feel excited for things in the future too? somehow?#but I also really want to die so. idk man. idk. maybe if I fall in love with someone then I can be distracted but all my walls are up#what's the point in anything anymore. *I* have to take the steps to improve myself and my situation#and I'd rather die. anyways who wants to make a pact that once we reach 40 we will marry each other#that might be fun#also my brain has gotten so bad that I am literally considering joining a hiking club to get out more and I FUCKING HATE HIKING#but I should probably do something out of my comfort zone to push myself and who knows maybe I will find a new passion#but let me tell you about the anxiety - oh BOY it's starting to act up again. hahahha#ah well sometimes you just need to scream your feelings out in the tags to get a lil clarity from the brain fog#one day I will fucking die/kill myself but for now I'll just try to make the best out of. whatever the hell this stupid life is. *shrug*#(but hey if any professional hitmen are reading this. feel free to. heh. you know ;) )#also I need to get back to art#gotta do my paid work and that one pic I lined months ago. and clay stuff *continues to bed rot another week because hahahahahahaha*#ah I wish I didn't fail all those years ago. then I would be free. I wish I was free#ok goodnight I promised myself that I would do paid work when I wake up tomorrow so hopefully no more migraines -pray emoji-
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