#im over here trying to feel euphoria about myself and everyone else is trying to make me feel like shit about wanting to be a guy

[snekdood]

make your mean spirited jokes about men all you want but byeeeeeeeeee

[princess-pawz]

i hope that one day things stop being so horrible and weird and i stop being so lonely and my heart stops aching and i grow close to people who love me and i dont have to go to bed in a cold and lonely twin bed anymore and that i can keep making art and that something changes and something interesting happens and i hope i am okay one day and that i dont have to kill myself but right now i am stuck in a time loop of working and being stressed and barely talking to anybody and being almost entirely isolated with nothing interesting or fun happening and being entirely unable to relax or find meaning in my life and being sick and tired all the time

and it hurts, i just want to feel good. i dont know whats keeping me from feeling good. whats wrong with me that i cant feel good?

i would just like to be held for a little bit if nothing else. i just need a minute in bliss, a minute of euphoria. id be an addict if i actually left my house and knew people with access to drugs. its kind of a miracle i was never offered anything besides weed and i wouldn't know how to access it. ive spent so much time alone in my house. i dont know anything about the real world or people my age. i don't know what's right and what's wrong and how im supposed to feel about anything. i havent had a real friend in person for so long. besides a small group of people who i love but can only talk to online, nobody remembers who i am and nobody cares to defend me or understand me. i am invisible until im an object to abuse . im slipping through the cracks of reality both in other people's perception and in my own perception of this life. how can i get out of here? i don't know how to do anything and im disabled. How can i leave this horrible state? how can i find help? how can i find a job i can manage in the condition that im in? how can i meet new people when i see the bigotry and ignorance in everyone and i can immediately feel that i am different from everyone? is there anything i can do for myself? i dont see the hope in anything anymore. i don't know how to save myself. everyone will only ever see me as lazy and weird and gross and ugly and childish and i dont know how to live in the real world with my disabilities.

i dont understand why ive been put here to suffer. what's the point? what's the meaning in any of this? i just want a helping hand. i need help. i cant do all of this alone anymore. but that's not how life works. you have to pick yourself up all alone. thats not fair. its not fair. i try my hardest to be so nice i have severe ocd about being as nice as possible, not offending anybody, not being inappropriate, and i am rewarded with a life of pain and abuse. why? how is that fair? all the terrible mean people live fantastic and peaceful lives. why. thats not fair. why was i born so fucked up. why was i made to be a victim. surely it was not in gods image to make me a victim of childhood sexual abuse? to make me a disgusting girl who barely qualifies as a woman. was i born just to be broken? was i born just to lose my mind over the fact that we live in a completely fucked up world thats falling apart perhaps more rapidly than my mental state? was i born just to promise ill make art and promise ill get better and never get better?

i dont want to die but it feels ridiculous to keep trying anymore. i cant make sense of anything.

[red-writes]

soft yan! shinsou x chubby! reader

summary: you keep receiving these letters in your mailbox from an unknown person, somehow you find yourself slowly falling for the creepy admirer until one day they decide to reveal themselves to you in the worst way possible—by looming over you while you sleep.

warnings: yandere behavior, insecurities, light smut.

Boo’s note: hi okay, this is dedicated to the annie that asked me for a shinsou fic, tbh I didn’t really know what to make it about bc u didn’t specify but here I hope you like it *^* uhh it’s also unedited im sorrrrry

Everyday at 7:00 am, the mailman drops off mail. Everyday at 7:10 am you’re rushing downstairs after stuffing half a bagel in your mouth to retrieve the stack of envelopes from the mailbox. The letters started appearing a month ago, pretty purple envelopes sealed with a cat sticker were amongst your mail everyday. You picked out the purple one and dropped the other unimportant, plain white envelopes on the coffee table. You took a seat on the couch and hurriedly opened it up.

My dearest love,

Last night I had a dream about you. You’re perfect face was smiling at me, you called my name and even held your hand out to me. You were so perfect I woke up crying. The more time that passes, the more I find myself falling deeper and deeper in the never-ending ocean that is you. So deep, so warm, comforting and gentle. Do you think that maybe one day, we could be happy together? That we could live a life together somewhere peaceful where you have me and I have you and that’s it. To me, that sounds like heaven, a world where the only person I only ever see is you. You’re my everything, my reason to live, to breathe and to continue living in this grueling world. I hope the rest of your day is good, I hope you enjoy yourself at the party.

xoxo,

shin.

After reading you couldn’t help the hard pounding of your heart, it was unusual yes, but you found his fondness for you quite endearing. You clutched the letter and held it to your chest. While it was strikingly odd that he knew about tonight’s party, you didn’t mind. Up until now shin had been harmless, never saying or doing anything too weird or creepy, nothing to warrant you to visit the local police station. You refolded the letter and tucked it back inside of the envelope. Instead of mulling over small details, you needed to find something to put on tonight!

+

The party was in full swing by the time you arrived. It was a charity event for the company you worked for, everyone from the hero deku to chargebolt was in attendance. Big parties like this were not your scene but you had to go, your boss invited you personally and you didn’t want to let him down. You took a drink off of one of the tables and made your way to a less crowded corner of the room. You took rare sips of your champagne as you sighed. This place was definitely not your scene.

“You look fabulous tonight” you hear from beside you, you’re quick to turn your head and your eyes lay upon none other than the mind-jacking hero, Shinsou!

You’re quick to bow, “ah! Mr.shinsou, sir, it’s an honor to meet you” you greet and he’s chuckling softly.

“Hey now, don’t worry about being too formal with me” he says, voice gentle as he rests a hand on your shoulder. Your face is burning, he told you that you looked nice! The number five hero just complimented you!

“Thank-thank you” you say and quickly take another sip of your drink to try and calm your nerves, “you look nice as well”

He gives you a genuine smile, “you’re so sweet”

You can hardly breathe right now, Shinsou first told you that you looked nice and now he was calling you sweet? Was this your lucky day or something?

“Well Shinsou I-”

“Oh! Hitoshi, I’ve been looking for you man!”

Chargebolt walked over to where the two of you were standing and wrapped his arm around Shinsou’s neck. He began pulling him away, going on about how ground zero almost slapped one of the patrons. Shinsou turned to wave goodbye to you and you did the same. Once he was out of sight you released a breathe you hadn’t know you’d been holding in. Tonight felt like a dream, you really didn’t want to wake up from it.

“y/n! There you are, I need to you take pictures of me and some of our guests!” Your boss yells and you’re sighing, downing the rest of your drink before you rest it on a neighboring table.

“Coming sir!”

well maybe you were ready to wake up from it now.

+

The next day at the same time you retrieved your mail, you’d shuffled through it several times and yet you hadn’t found that signature purple envelope. The day after that and even the day after that one there was no letter for you in the mail. It stung. Maybe they’d lost interest in you? Maybe they decided that you weren’t good enough after all?

The sixth day after receiving no letter you’d decided to give up, it wasn’t like you knew this was going to happen. You threw yourself onto your bed as soon as you got out the shower. You’d been doing poorly at work lately, your mind too busy focusing on those purple envelopes rather than the stack of paper work in front of you. You pulled the sheets up to your chin and shut your eyes, praying that you wouldn’t dream of that person or their kind words.

There was an odd sensation you got, it felt like cold air was hitting your body. Were you still dreaming? You didn’t leave your window open. Your eyes fluttered open, your vision still slightly blurry as you came to. Your sat up and rubbed your eyes. From the corner of your eye you saw a figure standing there. Fear that laid dormant until now began to unfurl itself in your gut, you slowly turned your head to face it and there he was.

“M-mr.Shinsou?!” You whisper yelled, he gave you a soft smile and held his hands up in front of him.

“You caught me” he says and begins walking towards you, you’re scurrying away from him on the bed.

“Why- why are you here?!” you hold the sheet up in front of you like a shield.

“I felt guilty about not sending letters for so long..I made you sad and I couldn’t forgive myself for that so I came to make it up to you” he explains and your still sleep filled mind was struggling trying to comprehend his words.

“Letters..you’re the one who has been sending me all of those letters?” You ask and he nods, he takes a seat on the edge of your bed and that familiar pounding of your heart is back. It was him, the person you’d been longing for, for so long now.

“Mhm, everything I said in those letters were true as well, how beautiful I think you are, how addicting your personality is, how absolutely sinful I think your body is..” he whispers and you feel air caught in your throat. Shinsou inches closer and closer to you and in a flash of purple he pins you underneath him.

“Mr.Shinsou..-”

“Hitoshi, call me Hitoshi” he corrects.

His head slowly lowers until his face is millimeters from yours, his breath is hot against your lips and you can’t help but shut your eyes, you’d been wanting this- wanting him for such a long time now. Shinsou’s lips press gently against yours and you find yourself kissing back, your lips move in a glorious synchronous. The kiss was one of passion and hunger; proof that the two of you had been longing for the other. You pulled away from him, lungs grateful for the ability to breathe again.

“Hitoshi..” you whisper and Shinsou sucks in a breath before his hands move downwards to pull at the hem of your night gown.

“Can I?” He asks and you find yourself nodding. The number five hero, the man who has been stalking you, sending you letters that if you were anyone else would find creepy, the man you’d fallen for…

You raised your arms in the air as he slowly began lifting the sheer cloth off of you revealing your nude body to him. Your cheeks burned in embarrassment, your arms folded to cover your exposed chest.

“Y-you might be disillusioned after seeing me completely naked..if you regret choosing me to give your heart to, I don’t blame you” you shyly confess and Shinsou’s eyes widen.

“I could never, I've merely dreamt about this day every night for months on end...you are the most beautiful person I've had the pleasure of laying eyes upon.” He says, his hands gently pry your arms away from your body and you can feel hot tears well up in your eyes as he lays you back against the soft blankets.

His lips are soft as they press themselves against every bit of exposed skin, his kisses don't shy away from stretch marks or any of your other insecurities. A warm, heated feeling that blossoms in your chest. 

Love? Desire? Serendipity?

It felt like all three combined into one big ball of sentiment. 

His hands gently massaged your breasts evoking soft mewls of his name from you. His hands slivered downwards to grope the flesh of your stomach.

“Soft beautiful...” he mumbles, his hands move even further downwards and cup the warmth between your legs. The feeling of his hand directly against you has your legs spreading, giving yourself completely to him. His fingers gently rub circles at your clit, your hips stutter up into his touch, moans and whimpers tumble out of your mouth dumbly. The situation you've been so eager for, for so long was finally upon you.

Your back arches off the mattress as he slides a slim finger inside of you, the sensation feels much fuller than your own fingers do. You beg him to go faster, add more and make you feel better than you have ever before and he's shushing your lust filled ramblings with a kiss. 

“I need to savor this moment, I won’t get many more like this” he expresses and your concern is evident on your face but he doesn't allow you to ponder on his words. He adds in another finger and curls them upwards, pressing them against the spongy sweet spot, his head ducks down and his lips wrap firmly around your clit and suck on the aching bud. Your eyes roll back into your head and your body shakes, unable to handle to the newfound euphoria.

“Ah- shinsou! I’ll- cumming!” your cunt spasms around his fingers as your orgasm hits you, you grip onto the sheets around you as your thighs shake.

“You look so pretty like this, so so pretty” he compliments, before you know it your eyes are involuntarily fluttering shut. You're scared, panic fills you at the thought of him not being here when you wake up, you don't want this to be another fever dream. 

+

When you awake the next morning you feel heavy. Your body slumped with the exhaustion of the previous nights activities. You're eyes widen as your hand feels around the bed, your fingers bump into the heat of another body and there is. The yellow halo from the sun is cast over his head as his chest rises and falls.

You scoot in close enough so that your noses are just barely touching. His eyes begin creaking open and purple gems meet your own.

“Good morning”

“Morning..”

Questions about what he meant last night could wait…you wanted spend your time right now loving him.

[spamtonology]

hi its the same anon here Again (i think i can just call myself sm anon so i dont have to introduce myself every time)

I just wanted to talk about how spamton's complex character and personality is generally greatly written making him very special character, as promised in last ask

When first encountering, hes only shown as a silly weirdo Trying to scam kris, but after you enter his shop (Which not everyone did while their gameplay) youre introduced to his darked side... Hes a lonely and desperate man, with very impulsive decisions and with his mind fixated on strange robot in queen's basement, the feeling around spamton immedietly changes from funny haha meme scammer to "oh my God. He is NOT ok" but Even with such weird and uncanny atmosphere, spamton still tries to be hopeful and funny, example the famous KEYGEN bit where he's parodying youtube poop video, or how generally hes generally making jokes relating to his possible Trauma (i wanna talk about that later possibly too. Special interest moment) or When he's Talking about freedom and heaven, as much as it all sounds concerning, i think he shows euphoria and hope (Which is more sad to think about after we later see how he ends up)

Thats what make him So special i think!!! Hes scary, hes probably sad alot too, but hes also hopeful!! He has so many dreams he wants to accomplish!! Even if its shown trought being absurdly desperate and strange, spamton hopes, he has good hopes, which WE know he doesnt achieve in the end, but he believes his life can get better, he never gave up, and kept going till the very end (and what he did with kris wasnt good btw, what i mean here is that hes just very hopeful and believes hes going to have better future, not choosing good ways to achieve it thought) and i think toby fox did generally amazing job making spamton character

I have So many thoughts i wanna share about spamton.... But i dont wanna write too long asks!!! Im probably just gonna write few diffrent asks someday yas (Also theres a chance i didnt properly write things i was thinking about So it could lead to some misunderstanding, if any confusion please lmk!!!)

Hello again! As for an identifier, I have seen anons use an emoji symbol as a way of identifying themself, you could use one! Any is good.

Something that’s notable about Spamton’s character is that he is almost entirely skippable: if you defeat him on the first fight, he will complain about how rude the player is and leave for the rest of the game, therefore locking his story out. It’s very interesting that the only way to proceed with his arc is to accept his deal and show him mercy!

So, yes, if all the player did was defeat him and move on, the player would simply see him as another weird quirk and not think much else of it. They would be missing out on his story. While the notion that he’s purely comic relief is blatantly false, I can’t say it comes from nowhere, people who only defeat him and move on probably do think that.

The shop isn’t where everything begins to unravel, it’s actually earlier on, first in the alley when you see a poster of “BIG SHOT AUTOS” where Spamton’s face from his better days can be seen.

And shortly after meeting Spamton you can also mention his name to the Addisons, their responses vary and some simply don’t have any lines programmed.

The encounters in his shop are probably the closest you can get to knowing Spamton as a person (outside of NEO), and here is definitely something deeply wrong with this man. At one point he shuts down and appears to be taken over by a different entity, asking if anyone can hear “them”. Asking him about the Knight causes him to glitch out and the option is replaced with “friends”. He also seems to shut down at the mention of Mike.

Both the shop itself and his sprite in the shop have an uncanny feel and look to them, and the “exit” button is replaced with “RUN AWAY”, heightening the fear the player and/or Kris feels around Spamton. Sure, he’s funny, but he’s also deeply unsettling, and Toby does such a good job at balancing out these aspects of his character.

That ending of the NEO battle when he’s so happy the strings are finally being cut, then all goes silent and he flops motionless to the floor, is one of the most jarring things Toby has ever created. It doesn’t help that it drags on for a relatively long time, so you’re forced to look at the “corpse” on the ground there.

He might seem hopeful, but I think it’s more desperation than anything. He is definitely stubborn and determined to reach NEO at all costs, in such a desperate way that he’s willing to do anything for it.

What do you mean by “good” hopes? As in, morally good? I would say his hopes are rather selfish, but understandable otherwise. He only ever wanted to be free, and was willing to cheat, lie and manipulate to get his way to freedom. As a failed salesman and overall unpleasant person, that’s the route he decided to take rather than seek better, safer alternatives that wouldn’t further damage his reputation.

But...Well, it’s perfectly understandable to feel sympathy for him. When he’s written that way, and you know his backstory, you almost just want to give him a hug, and it can be rather disarming which is why it’s so important to look back at the canon source and analyze his canon behaviors, not what fanon says he should act like. One can feel great sympathy and understand that what he did was not good.

He needs a break. Some reprieve. He gets consequence for his malicious actions, but no closure for his want of freedom.

Death of a salesman, indeed.

[peakyblindersxx]

whiskey business - john shelby x reader (part 6 of ?)

gif by my queen @michaelgreys, i'm basically her fanblog now but im not mad about it :) i mean just look at him!!1! i almost fainted

a/n: first of all, if you stuck around to this point, tysm for reading!!! this has been one of the most amazing fics ive ever been a part of and it's all thanks to the gorgeous @stxdyblr-2k, who generously took control of the next few parts. her brain is beautiful and we all owe her flowers or something. when i read what she sent me i couldn't bring myself to change much except for some small edits, so pls give her lots of love if you like it!!!! i'm still working on requests as well :)

love, abi xxx

read part one two three four five | my masterlist

tagging: @datewithgianni, @mayaslifeinabox, @deepdonutkid, @springsoulofengland, @lilymurphy03

prompt: nothing this good can last forever. john doesn't know how to feel, and neither do you.

warnings: nsfw! a teensy bit of smut, angsty as fuck prepare yourselves accordingly, a lil fluff if u squint, yeah this fucked me up

Obviously, it wasn't the last time.

Over the coming months you had many last times; his mouth pressed against your neck said as much. As his responsibility at work increased, you'd find yourself heading to his office after your lectures and night classes more often, perched on his lap, smoking, while he finished up his numbers under your critical gaze.

Thomas was more than aware; his snarky comments made it obvious he had his ways of monitoring your actions. You'd seen the dark car lurking outside your rallies and lectures, and no matter how you'd try to throw him off, not even telling Ada where you were going and even, in a moment of desperation, through your neighbours back window, somehow, his silent shadow was still looming. He was practically begging you to make a mistake, to give everyone an easy out. You just couldn't give him the satisfaction. You knew Tommy saw the world as a chess board, always several moves ahead of his opponent. Even when you played him in chess club all those years ago, you could outflank him if you thought on your feet and kept him thinking he was winning until you obliterated him in the end game. It was brutal, sure. But as he told you, there were bigger games at play. You had your own. Thomas could read your mail, intercept your phone calls and have you followed, but he couldn't hear what you said out of earshot. Your lot could smell an interceptor in your ranks, so spying at that close of a proximity was out of the question.

That's why he'd decided to let you have John. You knew his silent approval and his constant management of the narrative meant he saw a tactical gain. There was only so much information he could get from Ada, but John? He just had to agitate him in the right way and all your secrets would come tumbling out. It was difficult hiding your world from John; of what he knew of, he was supportive, quizzing you over current affairs and political discourse, listening intently. Yet, you had to watch your mouth. You had to keep a barrier up and you knew John sensed the distance. Fundamentally, there was nothing either of you could do.

So here you were, in a comfortable limbo. Your days were filled with work, evenings were for lectures and reading groups at the city's university, Ada and you often stopped for a drink or three; you'd go by your flat to freshen up, and then to John's office. Sometimes, you wouldn't visit for a week or so when the guilt sent you over the edge, it was draining to be living so many lives and knowing you were betraying the person you loved most on earth. Ada was oblivious, taking you on her nightly adventures filled with men, dancing and waiting while she was busy kissing in dark corners. Sometimes a young blinder would ask if you wanted to be walked home. The first occurrence you thought was sweet, but as the nights it occurred coincided with nights John seemed extra pent up, you'd decided to ask. The boy, who couldn't be older than twelve but who you knew was trained in using firearms and had a revolver pinned to his hip and a razor in his cap, looked confused.

"Mate, it's not a tough question. Why do you come and ask?"

"There's a phone call." He shrugs, "Isaiah or Michael tells us to go and get you."

Isaiah and Michael were somewhat aware? Fucking hell. Your fling was basically a military campaign at this point, so many of your friends were complicit. The little lads who ran as messengers around Birmingham were complicit. You had to just end it.

But when you sat on his thigh, his chin hooked over your shoulder, it felt so worth it. He never turned you away when you came crawling back. He never mentioned it until after you were finished, hooked under his arm.

"Fucking missed you, gorgeous."

Sometimes he'd remind you not to be a stranger with a wink, but you could tell it was tearing him apart too. He never once came to you. That's how he could justify it in his mind; obviously, the bare minimum was not having sex with his sister's best friend, but in failing that, waiting for you to initiate it was somewhat better. He barely talked to Ada now, citing work as an excuse, but truly the guilt sickened him. He couldn't believe he was prepared to continuously hurt his little sister and betray her. But every time you turned up at his door, he couldn't find it in himself to turn you away. In his mind, every single time you came to visit him was the last time he'd let it happen, yet he was always waiting for you to come back, his blind closed to signal he was prepared. He never would call, it had to be your choice.

You'd been off and on for over five months now. It was so difficult to hide in plain sight, but you just couldn't stop yourself. Neither of you purposefully meant for this to be happen but fuck, was it fun.

For your birthday he'd gifted you a fur coat from the same shop his sister, aunt and the fashionable crowd of Birmingham had purchased theirs. He joked that you looked like a "proper razor chaser", kissing you when you pouted at his teasing, begging you to wear only the coat when you fucked him next. It was a practice for blinders to buy a coat for their wives and girlfriends as a status symbol. You were neither, but John claimed that being his "favourite lass" also counted.

John was a laugh, but you knew at any time he could close his door to you. Until he decided he couldn't be bothered with you, you weren't going to get caught. You just had to be careful until he got bored.

***

You did end up putting a foot wrong. It was a Thursday night; you were sitting on the edge of John's desk while he was ridding you of your blouse. It was past midnight, Birmingham was asleep. You almost didn't bother coming out tonight, but you knew John had lost a deal and you wanted to be there for him. Your skirt and stockings were strewn across the desk with his shirt, vest and waistcoat, muddled into the files and papers which were once neatly stacked.

His fingers were pumping in and out of you, his mouth lapping at your breast, your head tipped back in euphoria, groaning. The stress made him more affectionate and tender with you, and it was nights like these that made you wonder. Wonder if this could ever be something more, something real.

John's body suddenly pulled away from yours, quickly turning the light off.

"John, what-" You were cut off by John’s hand over your mouth, muffling your words.

"Shut up and get behind the desk." He hissed. "Someone's coming upstairs."

You quickly grabbed your clothes from the shiny oak surface and crouched, hiding yourself from view, quickly making yourself decent. You weren't going to get shot through the head with your tits out. You listened to the stairs creek, and it sounded like a group. You two were easily outnumbered. They were talking, but the thick panels of wood muffled their voices.

As your eyes adjusted to the darkness, the cracks in the door giving the room a dulled glow, you could make out the figure of John. He was free of his shirt, toned body on display, standing with his back flat to the wall, revolver produced from a discreet notch in the door frame, gaze fixed on where they'd enter. He was tense, ready. The door was unlocked from the outside, the door handle twisting.

John's lip shifted in confusion yet still he kept his trigger finger ready, not a single shake from your general.

The light flicked on and a shriek rang out. It was blinding, and you stood up slightly dazed. Finn was in the doorway, John next to him clutching his chest, panting and lowering the gun.

"Jesus Christ, Finn, can't you knock like a normal person? Scared the shit out of us." John bellowed, shaking as the adrenaline coursed through his body, resting his hands on the edge of the desk as he regained his breath.

"You're the one who pointed a gun at me! I didn't even know you were in 'ere!" Finn yelped.

The commotion had attracted the attention of Ada and Isaiah, who had come running and stopped in their tracks upon seeing you standing behind John's desk in the middle of the night. They weren't stupid. John was topless, your clothes obviously rumpled, both with matching tousled hair and practically stinking of guilt. You'd been caught red handed. Ada's eyes flicked between both you and John, and you could practically see the pieces of the puzzle clicking together in her mind, all the moments she found questionable since you'd returned suddenly making sense, realising she had been deceived by the two people who she was meant to trust most in life. Finn looked absolutely crushed, he'd never been able to conceal his emotions as well as his older brothers and sister, linking his fingers through Ada's, squeezing her hand.

"I forgot to drop this off earlier." Finn stated, holding up a money box, "Ada had keys so we thought we'd sneak in so I wouldn't get done by Tommy. We did call round yours, Y/N. We thought you were in bed."

"I'm sorry." You said. It was not enough but you just didn't know what else to say. You couldn't make it right, you'd really fucked up this time. Tears pricked at your eyes, as Ada examined you in silence.

John stepped in front of you defensively. "Look, Ada-"

"How long has this been going on?" She asked, her voice shaking with rage. You and John exchanged a glance. "I said, how fucking long?"

"Five months, six in a fortnight." He answered.

Isaiah whistled lowly. "That's fucked. I thought it was only a few times, that it'd finished."

"Never really over when it's John is it." Finn interjects, you glance to him, were you just one in a long string? You shouldn't be surprised but it was easy to pretend he may actually care about you.

"You've been fucking around for six months behind my back?" Ada yelped, Finn trying to comfort her but she pulled away from him. "And you fucking knew Iz."

"I'd expect this from you, yeah? Wouldn't put anything past you these days.." she sneered at John, "But you? You?! You're meant to be my best mate, but here you are sneaking about fucking my brother?"

"Ada-" you began, eyes welling with tears.

"I thought I could trust you. You're just another fucking razor chaser, aren't you?" She spits. "That's why you came back."

"No it wasn't, Ada-"

Her eyes flashed with anger, but this time John was on the receiving end. "You bought her that fucking coat ,didn't you? The fur one. You did! Fuck's sake!" Her fists were clenched, shoulders squared. For the first time in your life, you understood why crowds parted for Ada Shelby. Understood all the free drinks and cab rides, the nervous serving staff declaring your meal on the house (always acknowledged by Ada with a hefty tip), understood why the men of Birmingham didn't last long with her.

"Did it feel good to swan about town in that fucking coat, while acting as though you cared about me? It's so fucking embarrassing. All trussed up because my knobhead big brother makes you feel special? Thanks for rubbing it in my face."

"Ada, I love you. I never meant to hurt you, I got caught up and that's on me. It's my fault."

"You're not acting like you love me. This isn’t what love is, Y/N." She retorted.

You couldn’t do anything but nod. She was right.

John opened his mouth to speak, Ada silencing him, a scowl darkening her features.

"I don't care what you have to say. Any of you. Who else knows?"

"Thomas, Michael, Arthur-" John listed off slowly, each name prompting Ada to break down a little bit more in front of you.

"I didn't know Arthur knew." You said pointedly, John sending you an exasperated glance. He was planning on dealing with that later, but right now was about his sister. Fuck him if he thought you were going to stick around much longer. You didn't want to hear him justify everyone else knowing about your fling with your best friend being left completely in the dark.

"That all you have to say for yourself?" Ada snaps at you.

"I have fucking no defense, do I Ada? I should've walked away." You pushed your hair back, frustrated at yourself, tears pricking at the corners of your eyes. You begged yourself not to cry. Tears wouldn't help anything.

"Why didn't you?"

You didn't know. Your silence only riled her up.

"Why didn't you fucking walk away?" Ada yelled, slamming her hands on the desk.

You felt hot tears run down your face, quickly moving your hands to dab at your tears.

"Don't you dare fucking cry. After all you've done, you don't get to cry in front of me." Ada growled at you, John going to shush her, obviously wanting to comfort you. "You can all fuck off. You've all lied to me and gone behind my back. Fuck’s sake, you could've just told me. You could've just told me."

"We didn't want to hurt you." John said, reaching out to squeeze her shoulder but she flinches away.

"This hurts so much more. You get that you all lying to me is so much worse, don't you?"

"We weren't thinking."

"You really fucking weren't." Ada laughs bitterly, shaking her head, blinking away tears. "Fuck you lot."

She stormed out, tailed by Finn, begging her to slow down and talk to him, protesting his innocence in the situation. Isaiah hesitated in the doorway, his eyes flickering between you and John.

"I had no idea you two've been at it for so long."

"Iz, fuck off yeah? I've had enough today." John shot back, sliding across the desk towards you. "You alright, lass?"

"We're done here, John."

He slid off the table, his hand cupping your face, "Hey, gorgeous, I get it but don't go breaking my heart tonight. Can we just leave this for tomorrow? Sleep on it."

The idea of getting any sleep at all tonight was laughable, you'd be up all night replaying these moments and torturing yourself. Tonight couldn't get any worse so you had to finally end it. Now was the right time.

"John, it should've never happened."

"But it did."

"I don't want to talk about this anymore. It's over."

"Y/N. You know for me it was never just about-"

"You're making it difficult. Stop making it difficult. Whatever you say isn't going to change that right now we have to do the right thing."

"I know you're right, but I don't want to let go. Is it so wrong to want you? I adore you, you know that."

You wouldn't meet his eyes. Sighing, John pressed his forehead to the side of your head, chin brushing your shoulder, eyes closing. He was begging you to stay with him. There had to be a solution, you'd figure it out together. His voice was cracking, eyes glassy. He looked so much younger when he was pleading. The tall bloke who terrorised the Midlands with his razor rimmed cap, a revolver in his hand, and a ruthless trigger finger had vanished. You wanted to stay, burning to curl up with him and for him to kiss it better.

"I should go." You told him. He rested his forehead on your shoulder, letting out a shaky sigh before pulling away, nodding.

"I'd drive you home but obviously-"

"Obviously."

John suddenly turned from you, eyes narrowing at Isaiah who was still hovering at the door. "Thought I told you to fuck off. Make yourself useful and get Y/N home safely." His tone was ice cold once again.

Isaiah nodded, offering his arm to you. You reached the door and instinctively looked back at John. His eyes met yours, staring at you from his desk, just as you knew he would. He prepared himself to watch you leave every night, but this time was different. That was it with you two.

Isaiah strode down the street with you in silence. You were tucked into his side as was customary with the upcoming blinders who were particularly ambitious, but there was no relaxed chat.

"Isaiah. What’re you thinking?" You asked, voice tinged with nervousness.

He sighed, running his free hand across his jaw, "That was intense in there."

"Just how he is." You shrugged.

"Does he love you or sommet?"

"Fuck knows… does it matter?"

"Of course it does. Do you love him?"

"Drop it. None of that matters, it shouldn't have happened in the first place so it can’t," You snapped, the anger at the situation you'd created suddenly overwhelming.

Isaiah whistled, raising his brow at your obvious turmoil. "You're in fucking deeper than you want to admit."

He walked you up your path, watching you turn the key to the side door leading to your bedsit. You paused, turning to him.

"Iz… I don't know what to do next."

It was so dark, you could see his face only by the lit cigarette burning to embers between his fingers. He inhaled deeply, pausing before delivering his carefully laid out plan of avoidance. Obviously the event of him crossing the Shelbys and losing their good graces weighed heavily on his mind. You nodded, listening intently, noting his ideas of relocation but he explained they were a final resort. The best thing to do was try to regain their trust; in the long run, he had calculated, it was the only option that didn't result in your life being haunted by the Shelbys. Even if they left you alone, their enemies would make a point to go after you, seeing you as an easy target. The other option was to leave the country.

"Good luck, Y/N. I mean it." He muttered as you turned the handle to the temporary safety of your home. You nodded, offering you cheek for the polite good night kiss you'd become accustomed to. He rolled his eyes and obliged, pressing an affectionate kiss to your cheek and ruffling your hair. "I'm serious. Watch your back."

***

John broke down when he finally heard the lock click shut. His eyes had been prickling with boiling tears, his jaw tensed to hold them back. He yelled out in anger, flipping his desk with force, a loud crash as the wood splintered against the stone flooring, glass shattering from the photo frames. His hands went to his head, unable to stop the gasping breaths escaping from his trembling lips, his face reddening.

"Fuck’s sake." He growled. He'd fucked everything up. He had nothing, just as he'd told you the first night you returned. The consequence was no surprise, he'd anticipated the fall out for a while, but he couldn't resist you. He was completely guilty and had no defense; his only justification being that you made him think with his cock, not his brain.

Fuck’s sake. Polly was going to murder him. She'd always had a soft spot for Ada, as the only girl in the family, and was no stranger to lecturing him over his flirtatious behaviour around Ada's friends. She'd murder him. He had a half mind to never go home. He rubbed at his eyes with his knuckles. Polly had no use for tears. That's what she'd tell him when he was a boy coming home with a skinned knee. This was far worse.

He was also sure that he was a worse brother than Tommy, perhaps the worst in the world. His baby sister, who he'd helped to toddle, carry proudly on his shoulders after school and race with her on his back through the fields on the outskirts of Small Heath, had walked in on him obviously in the midst of fucking her best mate. If he had swallowed his pride and actually talked to her, he wouldn't be in this mess. He could've told her that things changed, that for the same reasons Ada loved Y/N he had fallen for her, that he was truly sorry but she had to know before it got too far and someone got hurt. He couldn't go back.

He should've never approached you that night.

He should never approach you again.

He looked over the mess of his office, the splintered wood and shards of glass, a confetti of paperwork. Now nothing mattered. None of this mattered. He'd lost everything and he had only himself to blame.

[jiminiediminie]

A not-at-all brief commentary on BE-hind story interview.

We really got over an hour of BTS just talking about their music. They really told the media yall don’t ask the right questions so let me do it for you. Love that for them. 

But honestly I am so happy that they decided to do this. Because most of the time interviewers don’t ask the right questions or it is in a situation where they have time constraints. Or the interviewer never even listened to the album in the first place (think james corden saying his favorite track on be is dynamite probs because it seemed like that was the only one he knew).

I appreciate as well that it is the members interviewing each other. They could have just as easily sat each member in a room and asked them the questions off screen. But they didn't. I think that adds such a personal element to the interview. Bts members likely know about each other’s music (even solo music) better than anyone else. So who better to talk with the members about their music than each other? 

Running commentary of each interview below the cut. 

JK interviews Jin

Blonde jk for the win

I lost count of how many times they shook hands please they are so annoying 

Jin please don’t downplay your talents. That hurt my heart. If I could describe his voice in one word it would have been powerful. I hope that jin got to see all the praise after the fix you cover. Because he killed it in that. 

I loved getting to hear the behind the scene of jin’s role in stay; I didn’t know his role in it before he talked about it.

I’m glad jin got to release abyss and put so much of his own work into it. It is also so amazing to hear how much help joon is to all of the members when it comes to lyrics and music. A talented king. 

Slightly surprised there wasn't more clowning around in their interview since these two are usually so chaotic together. I thought jk would clown jin when they started talking about jin being older but he didn't. Growth. 

Hobi interviews JK

Hobi looks so soft in that cardigan 

Hobi right off the bat asking about the mixtape. He knows what we want. 

Jk talking about how he wants to try writing songs not just about his own experiences was so interesting to hear; can’t wait to see what he comes up with in the future. 

Him talking about all the different things he wants to try but it’s almost too many was very relatable. That feeling of having so many choices you don't know where to start. But that does mean that when we do get a mixtape from him it will be from varying styles of music and i am all here for that. Personally holding out for rocker jk or acoustic jk. 

His favorite song to sing is euphoria; that’s so sweet it is such a gem of a song. I think I would have chosen still with you since it’s pretty different than a lot of the other songs he sings.

Hobi saying “you’re all grown up” to jk and jk saying “i'm not the old me” really hit me in the feels. Hobi and bts really did watch jk grow from a slightly awkward pre-teen to the confident man he is today. They must feel so proud of him. 23 yo jk is not a baby of bts anymore. He does what he wants. He wears what wants. He has long hair and dyes it blonde then blue just because he can. He even talked about how his voice has matured. Im glad that the members see that too and seem to be proud of the person he has became. 

3 main tracks. 3 mv. 3 choreos of different styles. Yes do it jk please im begging. After seeing him dance in black swan at mma i want to see more contemporary dancing from him. And i feel like after getting still with you and stay he can write songs that would fit that vibe. I just want to see jk’s dance talent showcased more. 

I don’t know if the fans could survive 3 separate jk mv. We barely survived a live performance of my time. 

Tae interviews Hobi

Tae in that emerald green sweater. He looks so good. He should wear that color more

I love how serious tae is about playing the interviewer. The actor in him never sleeps. 

Hobi talking about the dual meanings behind the title of Dis-ease was so cool. Fans obviously caught that it could mean multiple things. But as far as i know that was never confirmed. Now that it is I am once again impressed with the thought they put behind everything they do. 

A psychological occupational disease. Your mind hobi 

I think it’s so cool that hobi recorded it by himself and how he said that doing it like that allows him to grow as a producer since he has to listen and edit himself. They really just always continue to grow in their roles in music don’t they? 

Hobi talking about how he would love to solve his own problems but then remembering that he is part of a team really shows how much they trust and rely on each other. So he and jimin worked on the melody of the bridge together and then joon wrote the lyrics. And now we have the most iconic bridge of all time. Still holding out for a dis-ease live performance or music video (I’m a clown I know). 

And lol at tae being like call me next time dude 

“I would like to share my music with everyone” -- please do

Please tae is so sweet and attentive!? “When you talked about music i noticed you had a smile on your face and i thought ‘he really loves music’”. “But personally if i had your skills I’d be showing off and be proud of myself”. Kim taehyung is the embodiment of a teddy bear 

And closing it with actor tae again -- “can i get your autograph” 

Jin interviews Jimin

Two seconds into the interview they are clowning each other with jin saying to talk informally. Yet as soon as jm did (and that slight smile when he did), jin is like I was talking to myself. Chaotic as expected of these two. 

Jm talking about his process for music being “just go as i feel” makes so much sense for him. He is an easy going person and it makes sense that it reflects in his work style. 

It’s so cool that him coming up with the melody of the dis-ease bridge was just because he was humming to himself and the producer liked it -- almost serendipitous if you will  

I love when people praise jimin for his vocals. So hearing him talk about how they used his vocal in place of a female for lgo’s chorus stroked my jm bias ego

Joon is seriously the best human ever. Jimin didn’t want to bother the other members to help with christmas love but joon contacted him and helped with the lyrics anyway. Bts seriously has the most amazing leader. 

“I’d like to try making an acoustic style song”. Please do it jimin. Acoustic bts is my weakness but especially acoustic jimin. Songs like promise sound so good with his singing style.

Jin shaking jimin’s pinky 😂

“I’m a little disappointed in the MC” “but you know if you looked around there is no MC like me” -- jinmin’s relationship everybody 

Jimin interviews Joon

Minimoni look so cozy in their sweatshirts sitting on a plush rug. 

“You know we have this youngest member”. “Oh jungkook?” “No the real youngest” “Oh seokjin. That’s a shame” -- please minimoni are so funny and joon knew immediately who jm was talking about when he said the real youngest. 

“It felt like I was doing the only thing i could do” . Please let me give you a hug joon

Joon’s mind continues to amaze me. How he talked about needing the concept or key word to give “flesh” to the song was such a good way to explain how he approaches music. 

“What do you mean little? You play a very big role” -- lol jimin speaking facts. I already mentioned how amazing it is that he helped jimin and jin with their individual songs. The fact that members who want help with their own music always seem to go to joon really tells you how much of an amazing and talented human being kim namjoon is. I can’t remember the context, but there was this moment that jimin (or was it hobi?) said something like “what would we do if we didn't have rm”. They are truly lucky to have him. 

Release that minimoni subunit now please and thank you 

Tell us what you’re working on joon don't be shy. Joon mentioned that his music is like a diary. I would love to know his thoughts expressed in music now. 2018 joon who made mono and 2021 joon are two very different people. Bts has grown so much since then. 

Joon interviews Yoongi

The work colleagues! Did you know they have worked together for 10 years? 

Yoongi’s fuzzy sweater. So soft

Yoongi saying he writes songs when he is bored. Lol i love him so much

It’s really interesting to hear them talk about their lyrics getting rejected. I guess we don’t hear much about that part. And lol at joon just laughing and saying he guesses he didn’t grasp tae’s intentions for b&g. 

I like that this was more of a conversation than an interview. I love it when these two just sit together and talk about technical stuff that i don’t understand (like the festa interview)

Yoongi is such a good person to make music with. JK wanted to add humming to telepathy? They added humming to telepathy. I had wondered the reason why there are two different versions of the song. I prefer the longer one tbh

Yoongi wants to make an acoustic song? Hell yeah. Jimin does too. So yoongi x jimin subunit acoustic song with yoongi playing the guitar (please). Also a folk song?? Yoongi your taste i like it

I can’t wait to hear yoongi sing im so excited for him

Yoongi talking about how they made this album with no pressure and got to just do what they wanted and that it was received so well. How he wants to keep making music like that. That makes me happy. I want them to continue to get to do that. I love the big productions and concepts of their albums. But if they are happier making albums like be that do not have that then that is what i want them to do. 

“Please listen to telepathy a lot” -- what yoongi wants yoongi gets. Go stream telepathy 

Yoongi interviews Tae

The title of blue and grey is because tae wants to overcome that feeling. My heart. 

He looked so shy talking blue and grey. I am so excited to see him get to talk about kth1 when it comes out. I could listen to him for hours. 

English guide track? Release it tae

“I felt kind of proud of myself” -- you should tae 

Yoongi straight up asking tae why he didn't include joon’s lyrics was interesting. It’s cool to know that tae had the kind of power to choose what he felt would fit the emotion of the song.

It doesn’t surprise me that tae feels so much pressure to make sure the tape is good before it is released. It seems like when it comes to solo work the members really do feel more pressure since they aren't sharing the burden with the others. 

“Please look forward to it” -- don’t worry tae everyone is

We know from the preview that there are 13 songs potentially on the mixtape. That would be so amazing if he released it with so many songs. Tae’s voice sounds so good in so many different styles so i know that it would be so varied.

Final thoughts -- I love that they got to do this. I hope going forward they do this more for their albums. And from what the members said they enjoyed getting to be so involved in the process of making the album. It would be amazing if that continued. While a lot of their hit songs are not made fully by the members, those songs that are often have more meaning to the fans. b&g, stay, telepathy. These were songs from the members. We got to hear their actual thoughts put into these songs. I hope that bh sees how well this album did and lets that continue.

Congrats if you made it to the end! 

[alloftheimaginess]

Little Morgan

Ooc Spencer Reid.

Wordcount : 2727

After filming her latest movie After, overseas for the last year 26 year old Yn Morgan was seen headed to Virginia

I hold my phone in my hand as I pose for pictures with the fans I ran into at the airport even though I look like a literal pile of shit. I work with what I have which is filters and when they are done taking photos on their phone I pull out my phone and I go to my Snapchat and I use my phone to take selfies with fans and I take like 8 before adding them to my Instagram story, getting all of their instagrams so that I can tag them.

"Arrived home to so much love. I love you all 😘💕" I add to my Instagram story as well.

"Thank you so much Yn" one of them says.

"Of course no problem" I say hugging them again before my phone starts going off.

"It was nice meeting you all, I'll follow you when I get home" I say walking off and picking up my phone.

"Hey dad" I say as soon as I pick up.

"Hey baby did you land?" He asks.

"Yeah, are you here?" I ask looking around as I grab my suitcase.

"Yeah, I'm walking up right now. I had to park pretty far" he says.

"Okay, I'm making my way to the entrance" I say putting my suitcase down and wheeling it behind me and when I see him, I run over to him and he catches he, pulling me into a hug and I hug him back.

"Hi daddy" I say kissing his head.

"Hey baby. How was the flight?" He asks and I smile at him.

"To be honest I don't know. I was so excited to see Hank that I slept the whole time because if I didn't I would have exploded" I say and he laughs.

"How long has it been?" He asks.

"I only seen him when he was in the hospital and then I was filming supernatural and then when that wrapped I had to fly out from Canada to London to start filming After" I say.

"It's going to be so good to see him in person and not just over FaceTime" I say and he grabs my suitcase.

"Well he's waiting so let's go" he says leading the way.

"Are you okay?" He asks as he gets in after putting my suitcases in the trunk and I nod.

"Yeah, it's just a little weird if I'm being honest" I say buckling up.

"I haven't seen Savannah in so long and I don't want to feel like I'm intruding" I say and he quickly shakes his head.

"I understand, it's a new place. But take your time it's no rush to get use to things. And it's only two weeks but if it was longer you wouldn't be intruding. She's waiting to get some girl time in with you" he says smiling at me before he drives off.

"A few of my former colleagues are coming over for dinner tonight. So I'm just letting you know so you have time to shower and get ready" he says.

"Thank you for the warning. I need time to get presentable" I say smiling at him.

"Welcome home" he says opening the door and I walk inside happy to finally be here instead of living out of a hotel for the past year and a half.

"You did such a good job with the house, it looks nothing like how it use to look" I say looking around.

"Hey sweetie" I hear and Savannah walks around the corner.

"Hey" I say and she hugs me and I hug her back.

"I just started dinner, so you have time to get ready" she says and I nod and Hank runs around the corner.

"Ynn" he says running over to me hugging me.

"Hi Bubba" I say picking him up.

"You've gotten some big and cute. How old are you now?" I ask kissing his head.

"I'm three" he says holding up four fingers and I put one down, smiling at him.

"That's so crazy. I remember seeing you in the hospital as a little baby" I say.

"You seen me in the hospital?" He asks and I nod.

"Yeah, I was one of the first people to hold you" I say brushing his hair out his face.

"Hank, let Yn go shower" Savannah says.

"We'll finish this conversation later" I say putting him down and holding out my fist and he fist bumps me before running off into the kitchen.

"Everything is pretty much exactly where it was it's just updated so you should have no problem finding your way" my dad says and I turn to him nodding.

"Okay" I say going up the stairs to shower and get ready.

I walk down the stairs and I hear a lot of talking and laughing and I tug on my dress before walking around the corner "hey Yn come here" my dad says opening his arms and I walk over and he hugs me, wrapping one arm around my shoulder.

"This is my best friend Penelope, Penelope this is my daughter Yn" he says introducing me to the first person I see.

"You didn't tell me your daughter was the Yn Morgan" she says and I smile at her.

"Well I feel like I'm the only one" I say laughing.

"But it's nice to meet you" I say going to shake her hand but she pulls me into a hug.

"You are so beautiful" she says and I hug her back.

"Thank you" I say smiling at her.

"This is Matt and his wife Kristy, Hotch and his wife Renae, Luke, Tara, Rossi, JJ and her husband Will, Emily and Spencer" he says introducing me to everyone and I shake all of their hands.

"It's really good to meet you all" I say smiling at them.

"I'm with Penelope here. You didn't tell us who your daughter actually was" Luke says and I turn to my dad.

"It never came up" he says and Renae laughs.

"Never came up? We've known you for like 17 years" she says.

"Geez it's almost like you're embarrassed of me" I joke and he laughs rolling his eyes.

"How long are you with your dad?" Matt asks.

"Two weeks, I'm off from filming for a while so I decided to visit them" I say and he smiles at me and I smile back and Savannah hands me a glass of wine and I sip on it.

"You're an actress right?" Kristy asks and I nod.

"Yeah I am" I say smiling at her.

"What's that like?" She asks.

"When I was younger it was a really hard time for me, I started out on a show and then my mom made me join another cast at the same time and I was doing two shows at once and I wasn't use to it so I was very moody and always tired and then after that I did a season of a show and I was quickly done with that because it sucked so I moved on to movies to let myself relax" I say taking a sip of my wine.

"And you do both now right?" JJ asks.

"Yeah, recently I started doing tv again" I say.

"You were in the Netflix series. I think it was called a Time" Will says and I nod.

"Yeah, that's what made me want to start tv again and then I did a show called euphoria with one of my best friends who is like a little sister to me and then I did supernatural and went to work on a movie" I say.

"My girlfriend and I watched Euphoria" Tara says.

"What did you think?" I ask.

"You were so good. We talked about how you and Zendaya played the roles you got so good that it seemed so real" she says and I laugh awkwardly because for me it is very real.

"She told me the day she started filming that Savannah and I weren't allowed to watch it" my dad says wrapping his arm around Savannah.

"Her parts in the show weren't as bad as others but yeah as her parents I wouldn't watch it" she says and everyone laughs.

"What else are you in?" Spencer asks.

"Im in a new series called the umbrella academy. It came out earlier this year and I occasionally do a show called 9-1-1" I say.

"So you've been busy?" Renae asked and I nod.

"Extremely, but I like it. It helps me stay active so I don’t have rid to start thinking" I say drinking the last of my wine.

"I'm going to get a refill. Does anyone need anything?" I ask and they all shake their head continuing on the conversation and I go into the kitchen and I go to the wine and I pour me a glass and I take the plastic baggie out my bra and I put a little on my finger and I stick the bag back in my bra and I hear the door open so I brush it off and I look up to see Spencer and he smiles at me and I smile back.

"Hey" I say.

"Hi, can you top me off?" He asks setting his cup on the island and I nod pouring him a glass and I sit on the cabinet refilling mine.

"So Spencer" I say smiling at him.

"Yeah?" He asks, awkwardly smiling back.

"What do you like to do in your free time?" I ask.

"I don't really get free time but I guess I would have to say I like to read" he says.

"Oh yeah I can see that" I say and I grab my purse that’s on the far end of the cabinet, pulling the book out.

"You've probably read this but if you haven't you should give it a read and let me know what you thought about it. I just finished reading it on the flight here" I say handing it to him.

"How am I going to do that?" He asks and I pull a pen out and I open the front of the book, quickly writing my number in the top of the front cover.

"There you go. I don't know how fast you read but it took me three days so I'll be waiting on the call" I say.

"It's actually not going to take me that long" he says opening the front page again and he reads the first and second page in like 30 seconds.

"Oh my god I totally forgot you're like a genius" I say and he laughs.

"I'm not a genius" he says.

"Something only a genius would say" I say laughing and he looks up as I'm drinking my wine.

"Are you sure you want to give this to me?" He asks and I nod.

"I mean it's a bit too late, I was trying to be cute and write my number down" I say and he blushes a little.

"Yeah, you're right" he says quietly and I giggle.

"Hey, nothing to be embarrassed about" I say holding up my wine glass and I nod to him and he holds his up.

"Here's to fast friend outside of our careers and good books" I say and he taps his glass against mine at the same time I go to tap mine against his and I fall forward applying too much pressure and I catch myself but I break both glasses and the wine falls out and I instantly start laughing.

"Oh my god, I am so sorry" I say and he laughs with me and I jump down to grab some paper towels so I can clean up and he helps me and I hear the door open and I look up.

"Everything okay in here?" Savannah asks and I look up quickly over the island.

"Mhm" I say.

"All is good" Spencer says and she raises a brow.

"Whatever you heard nothing is broke" I say and she laughs.

"If you need another glass they are in the cabinet beside the stove" she says and the door closes and I finish cleaning and I sit back on the floor, with my back pressed against the island and Spencer grabs us more glasses and refills them and sits beside me handing me one.

"Thank you" I say and he smiles at me.

"Here's to fast friends outside of our careers, good books and extra wine glasses" he says and I snort laughing.

"Here here" I say gently tapping his glass and we both drink at the same time.

"Anyone ever tell you how easy it is to get along with you?" I ask and he quickly shakes his head laughing.

"Never and you only say that because I've had to stop myself from pulling out all the ramblings and unwanted facts" he says and I laugh.

"Don't let me stop you, I'd love to hear some of your best facts" I say and he smiles at me and I smile back and I start to lean in and the door opens and we both quickly pull away.

"And that's when I walked out of the Emmy's" I say and my dad clears his throat and I stand up.

"What's going on in here?" He asks.

"Well I was coming in here to refill my glass" I say.

"20 minutes ago" he says.

"And Spencer came in and we started talking and I gave him a book and then I went to cheers his glass and I broke both of ours and had to clean it up and then savannah came in and told us where the spare glasses were and then we refilled our glasses" I say and Spencer stands up.

"Leave them alone" Savannah says coming in to check dinner and I laugh at my dads face and Spencer's phone goes and he looks at it and he sighs.

"I have to go" he says and my dad nods.

"I'll walk you out" I say.

"You don't have to" he says.

"I know but I want to" I say.

"Be careful and I'll see you Sunday" my dad says hugging Spencer who hugs him back and then he hugs savannah as I walk into the living room.

"There you are Yn" Penelope says and I smile.

"I'll be right back to talk, I'm going to walk Spencer out" I say and she nods and Spencer comes to say bye to everyone and I walk him out.

"It was nice getting to meet you, you are way cooler than what I've heard" I say laughing and he laughs and it dies down and it gets awkward.

"Okay I'm just going to come out and say it because I've learned my whole life to just be bold but I like you, like really like you and the time I've talked to you has been the most fun I've had in like the past year and I know it might be weird because our age gap and the fact that I'm Derek's daughter and you're probably taken because only an idiot would ever turn you down and now I'm regretting even saying anything about liking you but it's true and I'm sorry if things are weird between us now but I thought we were having a moment in the kitchen earlier but I'm an idiot and I don't actually know if it was what I-" he cuts my endless rambling off with a kiss and I kiss him back before he pulls away.

"I'm sorry I don't know why I did that" he says.

"It's okay, I don't mind" I say smiling at him.

"I wouldn't normally do that but there's just something about you" he says and I push his hair out of his face, my smile growing bigger and I clear my throat.

"I should head back inside before they get suspicious but call me when you finish the book" I say and he squeezes my hand and I smile at him running back inside and when I get into the house I watch him pull off and I shut the door.

[siutforjjmaybank]

TH peter parker x reader

inspired by that one euphoria scene

warnings sexual themes angst fluff peter being a king

pete<3

im here

y/n ❤️❤️

ok the door should be open

Peter walked into your room after talking to you mom for a bit. “hello love.” he said with a smile and kissed your temple. “hey pete.” you said getting up and stuffing your face into his chest to inhale his homey scent. he wrapped his arms around your waist and rested his chin upon your head. the two of you swayed back and forth. “how was your day?” you asked although it was muffled from you face in his jumper. “dont even get me started y/n!” he groaned as he walked over and flopped onto the girls bed “you know i was the top of my class and mr stark knows that but he still doesn’t let me do anything.” he said as you walk over to him and straddled his waist. “that sucks baby” you whispered as you left kisses under his sharp jawline trailing down to his collarbone stopping ever once in a while to suck and leave a mark. you take hold of his hands and place them close to you core. “I’ve been thinking about you all day, I want you.” you said as you leaned in to kiss him. he took his hands from your core and stopped you. You gave him a look of confusion “why do you always make everything so sexual, im trying to have a real fucking conversation with you right now.” he says seriously. your face drops, does he want to break up, have you pushed to far, has he never wanted to have sex with you he just went along with it. “oh..” you said as you got off of him and sat on the other side of the bed looking down. “im sorry” you said sincerely playing with your fingers, something you did when you were uncomfortable “hey come here.” he said as he put his hand out to touch your thigh. you leaned away. “im going to go get a drink” you said standing up and walking through the door. “shit” peter said with his head in his hand. “fuck” you said leaning on your island in the kitchen. you swallowed the lump in you throat. looking up to the light hoping that your tears would go away. “Shit!” you said as you hit your head with your hands. you were such and idiot. did you really thing he liked you he probably just felt bad for you. You got your drink then went back upstairs. you walked in your room to see peter looking at you as you turned on your tv and went to netflix. you went to hulu and turned on American Horror Story; a show you and peter had been watching togethe. you sat down on your bed not even close to touching peter. he looked at you with hurt in his eyes. he didn’t mean to hurt you he just wasn’t in the mood. “im sorry.” he said to you truthfully. “no it’s my fault i shouldn‘t of forced myself onto you.” you said staring into space. hoping this conversation would be over. “no baby come here.” he said as he pick you up and brought you over to sit on his lap and look at him in the eyes your eyes started to water and you let out a sob. Peter quickly held you into his chest stroking your hair. “shhh i know i know shhh” he coos. you let out another sob “i ju-just thought i-i-. its what everyone else wanted i thought it’s what you would want to..” you blabber. he looked at you and feels his heart breaking as you speak. “No y/n no baby awh im so sorry people have made you think that. i love you not your body… i love your body too. Oh my god your body is perfect your body is-” he rambles being cut off by you “shut up pete.” you giggle “yes ma’am.” he laughs kissing you

[semiotextiana]

how did you approach transitioning? ive started but i feel like im not making any progress at all

i mean im still trying and learning and have definitely not figured it out but i think the most important thing is to really view and embrace it as an ongoing process. i also expected immediate (visible) changes in the beginning because i was simply so desperate for change which is very normal but over time you will definitely learn that it really is a huge lesson on patience. and i was really euphoric and impatiently optimistic when i started but things take time, a lot of time. and theres no need to let that discourage you from believing in the process and in yourself. even if the euphoria fades and you go through phases where yoz feel like youre stagnating. youre never stagnating. try to remind yourself how far youve come already. puberty takes years and transitioning definitely isnt faster. idk if youre just referring to hrt but as far as that goes just trust that things will change, immensely and fundamentally, but it might not be as immediately visible as you‘d want it to be. i look back on pics from pre hrt now and there is a huge difference but i didnt necessarily perceive that change over the months as it was happening. but its there and other people and you yourself will feel and see it even if you cant pin point it. try to feel good about it being a long process. it means things are always changing and thats beautiful<3 processes like fat redistribution and breast growth are year long developments and they cant be generalized for everyone. try to be patient, the changes will definitely come, but at their own pace and if you expect fast results youre just putting yourself under a lot of pressure for something thats out of your control. i struggle with this too because the world simply doesnt give you the time to like "catch up" on your body and on everyone else lol. there is no finish line for transitioning so dont try to constantly remind yourself that you havent reached your goal yet. there are changes occurring in your body every second and you will get closer and closer to naturally being and feeling like yourself. i remember one of the most beautiful effects of hrt was after some weeks/months when i felt this kind of shift in my brain and i just felt relieved from something i couldnt even remember but it just felt like some kind of knot and inner war i was fighting was dissolved to some extent. i just felt so much calmer, so much more centered and so much more like myself and i was like yeah this is how my brain should be. as far as other transitioning measures go the first thing i did was laser hair removal, months before i even started hrt and that has been life changing. and ive been seeing a therapist every week for over a year now which has helped me personally immensely with everything. i really needed to work through and overcome a lot of self doubts and deeply ingrained insecurity before i felt confident enough to start physically transitioning and thankfully i had a therapist ive been really happy with. but yeah. the general advice i have really is: have patience and trust that things are going to turn out the way you want them to turn out because they simply will, even if you cant feel or see it immediately. it takes time but its worth it and youre on the right track. just keep going, youre moving in the right direction and it can only go upwards from here <3 sorry for typing out this insanely long novel, i hope theres useful inputs for you in there, it also felt good to write down for myself <3 oh!! and try not to compare yourself to other people all the time. which is obviously a reflex and hard to turn off but everyone is at different stages in their life and just because youre only starting now doesnt mean youll never "arrive" as much as other people seem to have arrived<3

[the--blackdahlia]

Too Young to Fall in Love Chapter 25 (Dirt!Nikki x Reader)

Title: Too Young to Fall in Love 25

Summary: Nikki Sixx was a hard partying musician on the strip. He never expected to fall in love with anyone, until a girl knocked on his dressing room door looking for a ride home and took his breath away. Just like everything else Nikki did; the drugs, the money, the music; Nikki went hard with love. (Y/n) Bass never expected the bassist of Motley Crue to be the one to shake her calm and calculated life up. She had a plan. Graduate school, become an epic producer, and watch from behind the scenes as her brother’s band rose to fame. Nikki and (Y/n) were perfect for each other, too bad her brother, Tommy, didn’t think so.

Series warnings:  Smut (18+ Please), drug use, language, referenced miscarriage, drug overdose, mentioned attempted suicide, out of character moments for everyone in the band, the timeline might be a little screwy but it’s fanfiction! I know nothing of music production and my medical knowledge is really screwy, so it won’t be accurate.

Check out my Patreon for more chapters! (And to help me pay for the antibiotic that I need...)

May 10th, 1986

(Y/n) held Bret’s hand as they headed towards Tommy and Heather’s wedding. Heather had asked her to a bridesmaid, but when she found out who was the best man, she had declined. They pulled up at the venue, (Y/n) taking a deep breath.

"Hey, are you okay?" Bret asked her and kissed her hand.

“I’m okay. Just a little weary of a couple of the guests hating my guts.” She told him. “But it’s my brothers big day. I probably only have five more of these to sit through for him.” She laughed a little, relaxing when she saw him smile at her joke. He was bubbly and light where Nikki was more dark and rough. He was everything Nikki wasn’t. But god, she missed Nikki.

"How can anyone hate sick a sweet person like you?" Bret asked as he pulled her in for a kiss. She moaned as he deepened it.

“Babe, we won’t make the wedding if we keep this up.” (Y/n) laughed.

"Who says we can't be fashionably late?" He teased as he pulled her tighter. She could’ve sworn she felt someone watching them as they kissed, but she melted into Bret’s embrace anyway.

“We’ll have plenty of time for this at the hotel afterwards.” (Y/n) winked at him. “Ready?”

"Let's go," her said and led her inside.

Nikki clenched his fist. She had moved on. Of course she did. He told himself, she was gorgeous and well adjusted. He, on the other hand, was a mess. The way she kissed he new boyfriend reminded him of the way she kissed him when they were together. He got the feeling again, he needed to feel numb. He looked at the song in his pocket and threw it in the floor. Quickly going inside her find a good spot to get high.

“Dude, what the hell are you doing?” Tommy asked as he was stretched out on the couch in the grooms room a little bit later. “This is Heather’s and my big day! I don’t want you to ruin it for her!”

"Like I ruined (Y/n)," he muttered.

“It’s been months Nik.” Vince sighed. He knew Vanessa was there with her boyfriend, and it hurt like hell. But he was just drinking, not shooting up every chance he got.

“Look, I’m sorry things worked out bad for you two, but we don’t have time for this.” Tommy sighed. “Now are you gonna man up and be there with me, or do I need to ask someone else?”

“I got ya drummer.” Mick said, pushing himself up.

“I got this!” Nikki said, tripping over the table. Tommy stared down at Nikki, shaking his head.

“You were almost my brother-in-law.” He mumbled. “Maybe it was a good thing it didn’t happen.” He turned and walked out of the room. He knew those words had to sting, but he really didn’t care.

****

Nikki could barely stand the whole ceremony. He was sure he looked awful in the wedding pictures, but he didn’t care. They moved right into the reception afterwards. Everyone started to dance after Heather and Tommy did. Heather tossed her bouquet, which ended up in (Y/n)’s hands. Vanessa, Athena, and Heather all cheered for her. Nikki stood off to the side, watching them. He could see the new tattoo proudly under her backless dress. Angel wings, full and fluffy. He could also see that blond devil wrapping his arm around her waist and planting a big kiss on her lips.

“Take a picture. It lasts longer.” Vanessa said to him.

"Won't make a difference," Nikki muttered as he drowned himself in Jack.

“You know she still loves you, right?” Vanessa told him. “You broke her heart though.”

"What do I do?" He asked. "What can I do?"

"Getting clean would be a start," Vanessa sighed. "But knowing you… It's a long shot." Vanessa grabbed her drinks and walked back too John who was waiting for her. (Y/n) went to the bar to get a drink. Nikki looked over at her. He wanted to say something, anything. But his mind was blank what could he say. Shaking his head he turned around and walked away.

Tommy walked over to his sister after Nikki left. (Y/n) leaned on the bar, waiting for her drink. Tommy leaned against it, watching her.

"So, Bret is a nice guy," he said to her. "He make you happy?" (Y/n) got her drink and raised it to her lips.

"Yeah…" she got her drink took a sip. "How mad were you when you heard I left Elektra?" They hadn’t talked a whole lot since everything went down, mainly communicating through Heather and Athena.

"I almost punched Tom's lights out." He sighed, "I'm still pissed at Nikki. I should have forced him to stay away from you."

"I'm sorry about everything." She whispered  looking down.

"Hey," he said. "No crying on my wedding day." He said and hugged her. "Love you little sis."

"Love you t-bone." She hugged him but saw Nikki. "I wish I could ask him to dance."

"Not sure how he will take it," Tommy growled. "I don't know why I asked him to be my best man. But, he's still my best friend when he's not moping" Tommy sighed.

"He'll be ok." She smiled at Tommy. “I’ll catch up with you later.” She downed her drink before she made her way over to Nikki. "Hi…"

"Oh, hey," Nikki tried to act sober. "You look good." That wasn't a lie. She did look good to him. He couldn't tell if the drugs were making his heart race or if she was.

"Would you like to dance with me?" She asked quietly.

“You sure blondie won’t come here and deck me,” Nikki looked over at Bret and sighed. He was sitting at a table, eating a piece of cake while he waited on her. She seemed happy with him and he was trying not to ruin it.

"He'll be ok." She smiled softly at him. "Unless you don't want to…" she turned to walk away. Nikki took her hand in his and felt that small jolt of electricity he did when he first touched her,

“No… I can dance,” he led her to the dance floor stumbling a bit.

"Are you ok?" She asked as he pulled her close to him.

“Honestly… no… but… it’s nice being with you right now,” he muttered. He wasn't sure what he was saying. He was pretty sure he was hallucinating because of the drugs. She was pressed up against his chest and he could smell her hair.

"I miss you." She admitted to him. "I…" she sighed as the song ended. She wanted to tell him she still loved him, that she wanted him back, but his lack of talking made her change her mind. "I guess I better let you go silly boy." She let go of him. “Bye Nikki.”

She left him standing in the middle of the floor as she want back to Bret, “I miss you too sweet girl,” he whispered before going off again to get high.

****

Nikki sighed as he frowned at the girls that came by him. Vince sat at a chair opposite him.

“What’s wrong man?” he looked up at the girl he had in his lap. He sighed as she reminded him of Vanessa. He always seemed to pick girls that reminded him of her.

“They just don’t look right to me man,” Nikki sighed.  

“What kind of girl are you looking for?” Vince asked, knowing exactly who he was looking for. Because he was looking for his own Vanessa out there.

"I just… I have a type in mind." He sighed as he took a shot and snorted the blow in the table. He looked at Vince. "Man I need something more."

“Well, what about her?” He asked, pointing to a girl carrying drinks. She had short brown hair and innocent eyes. Much like a college student Nikki had fallen in love with. While she didn’t look exactly like the girl of his dreams, she was pretty close.

"Yeah, I guess," Nikki let the euphoria fill him as the drugs kicked in. He wasn't sure what he had in his system but he just needed her. He took her to his room for the night, but something wasn’t right. She didn’t have the right tattoos and it was ruining the illusion.

"Hey, you ok?"

Even her voice sounded wrong. It grated his ears. He closed his eyes and tried to imagine his (Y/n). His sweet girl, whose voice was like a song. He pounded into the random chick but nothing too it. All he could think of was the letter she left and the ring on his bass.

When he was done, he kicked the girl out. He looked at the phone in the room. He only knew the one number for her, and he wasn’t sure if she had it transferred somewhere. He wanted to tell her how sorry he was. He should’ve fought for her at the wedding. But he didn’t. And now he was alone in an empty room with his thoughts and his drugs.

Forever Tags:  @anathewierdo @dekahg @marvel-af-imagines @feelmyroarrrr @nanie5 @imboredsueme @gemini0410 @aiaranradnay @babypink224221 @mogarukes @xxwarhawk @sandlee44 @shatteredabby @caswinchester2000 @supernaturalwincestsblog @lauravic @mrsambroserollinsacklesmgk @teller258316 @horrorpxnk

Motley Crue Tags:  @primal-screamer @waywardprincess666 @twistnet @saint-of-los-angeles @vader-kai @motleyfuckingcruee @sharon6713 @kawennote09 @2dead2function @nikkisixxwiththebass @iamtiber-andtiberismusic @jayprettymuchomw @charlyallise @you-know-im-a-dreamer @livingdeadharley @estxxmotley @arianareirg @the-normal-potato @nikki-sixxtynine @jjjjjjjoshdun @just-a-normal-fangirl18 @stella20131991 @tarahell @wowilovenikkisixx @i-want-to-shoot-myself @motleycrueee @sams-serialkiller-fetish @getbackhonkycatt @are-you-reddie54321 @flamencodiva

Nikki Sixx Tags: @daisystuffsstuff @unknownoblivion

Too Young to Fall in Love Tags:  @kingbouji3 @leximus98 @thekidbakerinthetardis @crystalbaby12 @shawnsstxtches @knockemdeadgirl

[ts-2020-olympics]

EPISODE 1 - “My Legs Were Not Qwoperating” - Kathy (Part 2)

no. jk here.

So, it’s morning. I look around at our camp, and see everyone is at work. Karen is painting their flag and using safety scissors to cut out Monty’s head, Kevin is chanting to himself in the corner, Stoner’s been asleep so we buried him in the sand up to his neck and then sculpted a sand castle around him. Tommy is just trying to make eye contact with anyone he can and so I’m...avoiding that. I’d say we are solid but that’s probably not the truth, and so that kind of stinks. I’m hoping the newbies really fuck up, and I know that’s harsh but...that’s showbiz, babe!! Speaking of newbies I still haven’t talked to a few of them.  Emma like zoomed away the first day and I’ve given up on talking to her. Hope she goes first. That’s all I got for now, going to eat breakfast I will continue this rant later.

my truth is that i haven’t played an org game in so long i forgot i was playing and then remembered an hour ago and tried to do this wack qwop game hsksksj! my legs were not qwoperating 

I see there's an arena going on! I might go there first if the rest of the team is okay with it - gives me a chance to scope things out and get a feel for the area. I'm excited!

WE WON THE FUCKING CHALLEEEENGE AAAAA NOT ONLY DID WE WIN BUT WE KILLT IT WE SCORED 12 AND EVERYONE ELSE GOT LIKE 8 AND 5 OHMYGOOOD IM NOT GONNA BE FIRST OUT YALL IM SHAKING I CANT BELIEVE GSJDKDVDSNDBWSKHSD okAy okay so thank god bc my tribe has like no drama so our vote would’ve been really difficult and that gives me more time to think about my possible advantage and the possible bonds here. 

so while I am safe I still have to game a little bit and talk to the people I’ve been talking with who are going to tribal like Sammy and Jordan, funny enough who are on the same tribe.... maybe I can get them to protect each other..... hm

Well we lost because of technicalities, I choose to blame that. This tribe is apparently extremely quiet to each other, so the fact that I messaged everyone hello this morning, nearly 48 hours after the start, I am SOMEHOW one of the best social players here. Challenges are generally my strength, we got last in QWOP, so backup is social game in a social ORG. I can be in some danger here, but I think I have a TRusuT sclusTER to keep myself here. As is necessary. I don't care who goes, I have a preference, but I don't really want to set a goal right now. Flexibility is key.

I'm literally PISSED. I'm fuming right now, like wtf? OK so I haven't confessed anything yet because my tribe has been SO quiet. I've honestly talked a lot more to some of the people from ONE WORLD than I have from some of the people from my own tribe... and I'm not crazy okay? It's NOT my fault. I put in effort with these people... But some of these people are just DRY! Drier than the Sahara Desert! Drier than my chappy ass lips! They can't hold a conversation, and that's obnoxious. I'm not going to respond to you if your message has literally nothing in it worth responding to, that's why most of my messages will either have a follow-up question, or something actually of substance to comment on/reply to... YOU SHOULD DO THE SAME SO WE CAN ACTUALLY SPEAK AND MAINTAIN A CONSISTENT DIALOGUE!!!!!!! But NOOOOOOO, my tribe decides to not speak... MOVING ON! The only people I've had good conversations with really are Juls and Em, and lo and behold, Em does lit rally nothing in this challenge, which sucks because I'm afraid that may put a target on her back. But I'm not sure, I definitely will vote with her and I think Juls will too. I'll move onto that later but I wanna talk about why I'm fucking LIVID RIGHT NOW. I literally made SO many suggestions on how we could tweak who does what in this challenge, or what we do on certain parts. Now I'm going to admit a TINY bit of fault here, in that I didn't say my suggestions on the tribe flag. There are some things I think we could've done to make it better, but I love Juls, and everyone had already told her it was great, so I didn't wanna make her feel that I didn't like it or was over criticizing. So I didn't say anything. That was my bad. BUT EVERYTHING ELSE, LUV? I said We should guess lower than 610... Now granted my even 600 guess still would've been too low to win, BUT AT LEAST IT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN OVERBOARD! HMPPHH!!!!! Or maybe we could've compromised on 605 if people hadnt IGNORED ME!!!! IDK!??!?!?! Further than that, I asked for different tweaking on the chant and nobody gave any suggestions. I'm not saying we would've won or anything had I taken the lead or that I was doing everything the right way,  obviously I wasn't since my chant got 3rd, but what I'm saying is once it became obvious the challenge was going to be about group participation and suggestion, our tribe needed to unify. Everyone in the tribe needed to have a clearer vision and talk to eachother and actually put in the EFFORT that this stuff requires. Which I'm admitting my own error, in not doing that with the flag. But our tribe was just so quiet and silent before now, which sent me down a paranoid spiral, that I was super fucking worried about my place in the tribe or where things were heading. Now I realize I'm in a good position on the tribe for sure, it's just that our tribe is STRUGGLING. ON THE (Mr.) BRIGHTSIDE!!! We lost by a tiebreaker guess, and only by 4 points.... and I'm pretty close with Juls, and it seems like a target will probably fall pretty easily onto Billy. He had the worst QWOP score, described himself as arrogant in his own intro, and just seems.. critical of others. He gives off a strange vibe. If it's not him, I'm pretty sure it'd end up being Jacob or Em. I feel that me and Juls are safe which is all that I can hope for on a tribe this freaking tiny, I instantly connected with Juls over our love of anime, the fact her name is the same as Euphoria Jules, and other stuff. As far as One World goes, I honestly keep forgetting it exists. I haven't reached out to too many of the others but have talked back to those who talk to me and it's been generally decent. I get along well with other Jacob, the not pie one. Caeleb I already know from before this and so I feel like we'd def work together, and I get good vibes from a lot of these people like Eve, Nicole, Ben, etc. Honestly I'm just so frustrated right now because things have been quiet and nervous and I'm PARANOID, and my tribe was so close to winning but fucked it up over minor things we could've tweaked had we just tried a little harder and communicated a little more. ugh, this SUCKS. now my first legacy in Tumblr Survivor is a mediocre chant (i honestly really like it and i put a LOT OF THOUGHT INTO IT OKAY....) and a trip to tribal council *Sobs* Here's hoping things take a positive turn from here...? It could always be the Bronze before my Gold! ~Hamfisted olympics metaphor~

Love my tribe a lot! However, i still feel on the outside somewhat tho.... Idk this is a lot for me I just hope we win until a swap or whatever its called ahh

Alright, Darcy back here with yet another confessional!   Here is a little update since I last posted confessional, mainly the biggest difference is now I have an ally formed with Ben.   At least, I made a deal with Ben yesterday proposing just the generic looking after one another ordeal, then going to give it some time and maybe question Beck about forming an alliance, since I've been connecting with her even more past bit, but don't want to go too fast and end up asking half my tribe right away to work with me, as I don't want to be seen as playing hard out the gate and make myself a target.   Meanwhile, I decided to give the Olympic Village searching a shot, but alas was no luck in the cafeteria cabinets, so will just have to try my luck again in the future rounds.   Thinking of searching either the South or North end of Village next round, but we shall see.   Anyways, I'm glad my tribe won Immunity, so don't have to go to tribal this round, and this Olympic Arena twist sounds great, essentially one person from each tribe goes to the Arena, I believe for the immune tribes just 1 person is selected to go to the Arena, and for the losing tribes, the two voted out go to arena, where the winner of the voted out people come back in the game, and loser is out of the game for good.   Think I read that all right, but maybe won't hurt to give it another read to double check.   For now though, I shall go, so will see you all with my next confessional.

Fuck having to go to tribal first. I don’t like having to send someone home when I don’t even really know who I’m playing with yet. 

Seems like Billy pulling the "I don't want to make any moves" to me was surprisingly bullshit. Who would've thunk. I think everyone is fine with voting out Billy here, I didn't really want to initially, but yeah, uh no. I could be in danger, but if everyone is honest here, I should be fine. Fingers crossed. "I'm either going to be first boot or win" - Pia Miranda

So, the first tribal is in a bit and we were almost sent there but managed to pull through in the tiebreaker! I hope that opens some of my tribemates eyes (lets be real, just Stoner who hasn’t been doing much of anything!) Being in One World but none of the newbies talking to me is still wild to me, half of them still haven’t even accepted my contact request. Yet they’re plenty active in the chat, so what gives? Anyway, I hope it’s just that they are intimidated by the very fact that I am beauty, and grace, and Miss United States. I hope we can win the next round, hopefully first or second place so we don’t have a close call again. We are trying to get Chris to go to the Arena so he can get us that 20% but he hasn’t answered so...what gives? On the alliance front I’m good with Kevin and Karen tribewise , the bigger picture is Kevin, Jacob and Sammy want to align and then we will have a bigger alliance that includes Beck, Juls and Eve. Eventually I might wanna break off and align with Jules and Eve, but having bigger targets around is essential. Anyway that’s all I got for now. I should start making video confessionals AS THINGS ARE HAPPENING. Ya know? Anyway toodles for now see ya next round. OH, and I’m hoping Jules and Jacob are safe this tribal :( love them and hope we can work together going forward. 

Hiiii, arena results are about to come in so I'm just gonna drop a quickie confessional before that happens. I don't honestly remember how much I talked about the strategy and gameplay that was going on, so I'll give you a quick rebriefing of that. I'm really close with Juls. Em I like, but I want more out of her. Jacob is quiet, but inoffensive. Billy, I actually like him, but there are certain things about him that just.. Rub me (and others) a strange way and that's why we voted him out because certain things he did just didn't quite gel with the rest of the team. If he does return from the arena though, it's possibly I may vouch for him over Jacob because Jacob... HE JUST NEEDS TO TALK!!! But idk. One world still SUCKS and is dragging me through the MUD because nobody wants to do cross-tribe talking me included but that gets me paranoid as FUCK, luv. About the live tribal, it was fun! My camera angle was awkward and I was soo nervous though, but I think I was still able to hold it together relatively well, act normal, and give semi-decent answers. Will definitely be improving my live tribal performance for next time so I can be a bad ass bitch on call, it's GOING to happen... dskfdsf. I love Emma on call/video sooooo much, But on text she's kind of dry. Maybe I need to ask her if I can call her sometime, but I haven't done a call for a game like this in a looong time. I'm a bit nervous about that. But yeah. I'm looking forward to the game... The first tribal just makes everything real, and you realize, oh shit, we're playing Survivor. And I forgot how thrilling it was to play in a live, video environment like that, it just grips you and it feels so much more intense than when wiki results are just posted in chat and you don't have to deal with physically seeing the person you're voting out, talking to them with your actual voice, etc. All that stuff just makes the experience that much more realistic and it's so intense and fun. I'm ready to get this game on (Btw fuck the arena twist)

hey guys im really loving this game so far... keep up the good work!

i didn’t appreciate the attitude billy gave me whenever i tried to help the team out but! i’m willing to get over it because he is a nice guy. i feel fairly comfortable with my team and i’m just hoping we can avoid another tribal! 

Hello! I can not believe I'm back for a 6th time on Tumblr Survivor this is so crazy! Especially for an Olympic season because I vowed to myself that I would never do a season again that was more than 20 people after being in Japan. Now that I'm back I'm ready to play, I haven't really came into this season with a strategy but if I did it would have changed because this is a One World season and now with the arena twist I'm sweating. One World makes the season super social (probably one of my least favorite twists) it's very easy for this season to let pre-mades and majorities take over just like that and let underdogs like me in this season to get taken out especially taken out early. So I have been social not only with me but a few people on different tribes but not too much. I don't want to seem like I'm playing too hard but I wanna build relationships before swaps happen so that people choose to ally with me (A WINNER) over a newbie or a returnee who hasn't won because I already have a big target on my back. With how the tribe divisions are it gives the newbies the biggest advantage with 15 newbies compared to 5 winners and 5 non-winner returnees, which isn't bad in a Fan vs. Favorite season because the ratio is even with returnees and newbies. However, now that I'm in the minority and also labeled a WINNER, I have to do damage control to lower my target but most importantly integrate with other people which is hard because I'm not the best social player and I know that's my weakness but I still have to attempt. In terms of my own tribe I'm closest to Kevin, when I talk to him we have a good conversation I probably already irritate him but I think out of everyone I can put my trust in him the most compared to everyone else. I think having one good ally is how I want to approach this season due to the arena twist I don't want to come across as running the tribe especially the winners tribe incase we do go to tribal because if I vote in the majority and that person stays they are immune and will be mad and spill the beans about the tribe, and I want that person to be the least mad at me so the focus is not on me. So having overall good vibes and 1 strong connection is a good strategy for the long term game. It might put me at risk for being voted out in the short term but I want to play the long-term game. Preferably if it is up to me I'd want Nicole to be the next closest to Kevin and myself without myself having to make an official deal with Nicole so I'm not seen as the ringleader. Kevin says he wants Stoner to be the first one voted out on our tribe but honestly I rather it be Karen. Stoner has the reputation keeps his target bigger than the rest and I think Karen has the better chance of flipping on the winners and succeeding than Stoner does. So my target is Karen if we do lose. I also believe that there may be an alliance with Nicole, Kevin, and Karen which I hope is not an actual alliance because that's bad news for me. I hope we don't go to tribal because I don't wanna go to a tribal with only 5 people. Wish me luck!

Whew it has been one round and i've fucked up so much its not even funny. its a little funny. anyways i start this game on a tribe of 5, i allign with connor who ive never played a game with and find some similar common ground, and with jacob who seems chill. we lose the first challenge sucks and all hell breaks loose, long story short fuck sammy. I'm trying to work my way back in caeleb and jacobs good graces. its gonna be a rocky road, but its one i've driven before

[gotatext]

PREFERRED NAME — nora. i think i started going by it in like, 2009?? my full name is eleanor but i hated it n thought it was way too pretentious n i never felt like it fitted me so when i started writing on forums i decided i’d be a nora rather than eleanor and then my school friends called me it and it just kinda stuck, the only person who calls me eleanor is my mum

PRONOUNS — she / her / ethereal being beyond comprehension

AGE — 23 but i tell everyone im 21 because even tho time is literally fake im desperately clinging to that fleeting thing we call youth trying to catch it like smoke in my hands

PINTEREST — i actually have two. this one is my main one where i just cram all my shit n i’ve had it for years and some of its super unorganised. then i also have this one which is one i made for exclusively female characters. it started as mythological figures but now its like, women in literature and the occasional oc as well. variety is the spice of life!

DISCORD — lindsay lohan’s meth#8664

TUMBLR (PERSONAL/MUSE/RPH) — i used to be froseths but now im pvrscphones cos ya gal is a fucking whore for mythology 

OTHER SOCIAL MEDIA YOU’D LIKE TO SHARE — oi oi guvna ere’s me twitta. also here’s my letterboxd n my goodreads if anyone still uses tht

MYER-BRIGGS — enfp / infp border .... the classic profile of a lit student

HP HOUSE — hufflepuff, am fuckin mad. 

ZODIAC — libra which is a joke because i am in no way balanced but i guess i AM indecisive and a peacekeeper so?

DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY? — i believe it when it says good shits gonna happen in my life and blame it if bad shit happens but i don’t strongly follow it i just find it interesting

HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU STARTED RPING ON TUMBLR — maybe like 14?? my first rp blog here is literally so embarassing i wrote as clove from the hunger games n my best friend irl wrote cato :/ it was wild

WHAT YEAR WAS IT? — like 9 years ago?? 2010 maybs

NAME A RANDOM ROLEPLAY THAT STICKS OUT IN YOUR MEMORY — me n my friend ellie made this really cool group the summer before we left for uni which was loosely based on a concept mentioned mayb once in the divergent series, but it gave us loads of freedom to make it our own thing. it was called the fringe n it was like..... this dystopian society where people with different genes were cut off from the rest of society n lived in overrun slum cities where different groups had like, a monopoly over weapons, produce, etc.... my character jack was the leader of this lost-boy-esque tribe called the wolf pack who were hunters n used to run across the rooftops wearing the skins of animals they’d killed and engage in tribal rituals with sacrifices to the gods n shit. sounds lame but everyone there was so invested in their character arcs that it was a shame to see it go. but ! it kind of reached its end point so we blew it up w nukes n they all died. tragic.

WHAT WEIRD ANIMAL WOULD YOU HAVE AS A PET IF IT WAS REALISTIC — a fox?? do ppl keep foxes? idk i’ve always just felt a sense of connection w them like when a fox stares at me im like this shit is life i am living and breathing in this bitch.... visceral

NAME THE FIRST SONG ON YOUR DISCOVER WEEKLY ON SPOTIFY OR THE FIRST SONG THAT COMES ON APPLE MUSIC / ITUNES SHUFFLE — everbody party tonight by cobra man n summer girl by haim..... not my usual stuff but big summer chillin vibes,.....

NAME A BOOK THAT YOU READ IN SCHOOL THAT YOU SURPRISINGLY LIKED — lord of the flies and also the handmaid’s tale. one of assignments was to write a chapter from another character’s perspective n i chose moira

NAME A BOOK YOU HATED THAT MOST PEOPLE LIKED — skellig. fuck off with ur asprin ugly bat man i don’t care. also of mice and men. don’t care about the rabbits or curley’s goddamn wife.

WHAT TV SHOW DID YOU RECENTLY BINGE? — im not a big binger bc i find it jst makes me depressed if i watch tv all day but im nearly finished stranger things season 3 n i recently finished euphoria (big rec but proceed w caution as quite triggering content)

FAVOURITE QUOTE — cool girl speech from gone girl. but also “there’s something dangerous about the boredom of teenage girls” i know its like.... such an overused quote but it really encapsulates this kind of feral girlhood that a few of my characters like bridget n greta have tapped into. i also loved the line “i feel like i could eat the world raw” from song of achilles, that really captures this kind of.... pure n childlike enthusiasm tht i wanna achieve w rory 

LINK TO A VINE THAT EXUDES YOUR ‘ENERGY’ — this is my energy completely am always covered in glitter n staring broodily out of the windows of ubers at 4am like im in the sad bit of an indie film 

DO YOU WRITE OUTSIDE OF RP? WHAT DO YOU WRITE? — uhh.... not as much as i shd.... i want to be a writer so i shd be makin some effort to get my stuff Out Into The World but im just not.... lol. ive done a lot of poetry collections . i wnt to finish a novel @ some point too.

THREE YOUTUBERS YOU STILL TRUST — bold of you to assume i trust any youtubers

A CELEBRITY CRUSH THAT JUST WON’T QUIT — id literally die for saoirse ronan n timothee chalamet :/ chance perdomo also owns my ass. 

EVER MEET A CELEBRITY? SHARE YOUR STORY — i once high-fived dani harmer, the actress who played tracy beaker. today my sister text me tryin to make me guess what celebrity she just saw on holiday in wales and for ages she let me think it was timmothee but it was actually bradley walsh from the chase :/

WHAT’S YOUR PICTURE-PERFECT NIGHT? — i am in a bomb ass crop top and mini skirt, several scrunchies in my hair, glitter all over my face, wearing cowboy boots. we eat dinner in a trendy but affordable pub that doubles up as a cocktail bar n then we drink zombies or sex on the beaches n go to a rave where everyone is on the same wavelength n i share drugs with girls in the toilets and we swap numbers knowing we will never text each other but its ok bc in that moment we feel like we are soulmates and everyone is super drunk n touching everyone else n its all very visceral and we walk through the woods when the rave ends and lie in the grass because we wish to suck out all the marrow of life 

A CONSPIRACY THEORY YOU KINDA BELIEVE IN — princess diana was murdered 

ARE ALIENS REAL? — maybe the real aliens are the friends we made along the way

PLAY ANY PHONE GAMES? WHICH ONES? — love island game im addicted and way too invested in my fictional relationship with bobby, a cartoon

WHAT’S A FILM YOU LOVED WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG AND RECENTLY WATCHED, ONLY TO FIND OUT YOU DON’T ANYMORE — bold of u to assume i remember my childhood. but if we’re talking last 10 years angust, thongs n perfect snogging is so so cringe 

DO YOU COLLECT ANYTHING? — pairs of glasses belonging to other ppl when they break / get new ones even though i can see perfectly well. 

WHAT’S SOMETHING YOU WANT TO LEARN MORE ABOUT BUT YOU’RE TOO LAZY? — mythology...... always a craving and a wish i’d read like ancient texts but my school wasn’t good enough to do greek or latin or any of that shit n even tho i could read english translations i cant be bothered. also criminal psychology

THREE LANGUAGES YOU DON’T SPEAK, BUT WISH YOU COULD — italian, french and latin

MOVIE YOU’VE WATCHED MORE THAN 5 TIMES — ladybird, about time, angus thongs, shrek 2, what we do in the shadows, the history boys, atonement, coraline, the breakfast club, ferris bueller’s day off

NAME A FICTIONAL CHARACTER FROM TV/FILM/MOVIE/GAME/BOOK THAT YOU FIND YOURSELF PROJECTING ON / YOU RELATE TO — cecilia lisbon. rue in euphoria. alison brie in glow. adam parrish in the raven cycle. richard papen. olivia cooke’s character in thoroughbreds. allen ginsberg in kill your darlings. lily in sex education. holliday grainger’s character in the film animals --- i too am an aspiring writer who never writes and just gets drunk instead .

DO YOU FOLLOW ANY SPORTS? WHO DO YOU ROOT FOR? — no. cba

HOBBIES BESIDES WASTING AWAY HERE? — i go to the movies basically every day bcos i work in a cinema. im also a voracious reader n i occasionally do theatre or costume making

PLUG A TV SHOW / MOVIE / BOOK / VIDEO GAME / ETC… YOU WISH MORE PEOPLE WOULD CHECK OUT — where the wild things are (film by spike jonze).  animals. beats. the book fen by daisy johnson and a girl is a half formed thing by eimar mcbride. andy warhol’s biography from a to b and back again

WHOSE BRAIN WOULD YOU LIKE TO PICK, ALIVE OR DEAD? — phoebe waller-bridge on how i get her life. carey mulligan on how she got to be such a good actress n how i can become her. maybs wes anderson. maybs gillian flynn. i tend to listen to podcasts w the ppl i really wanna pick the brains of.

TEAM EDWARD OR JACOB? — edward :/

LAST MOVIE SEEN IN THEATRE — blinded by the light n i lovd it

DO YOU STILL READ? — when i finished uni i kinda got out of the habit but this week i finished two books so ive set myself the challenge of a book a week.

IF SO, WHAT ARE YOU CURRENTLY READING? — i finished song of achilles yesterday n i also finished call me by your name yesterday. started circe by madeline miller today, im also partway through milkman by anna burns and the plays of annie barker

ON A SCALE OF 1-10, HOW MUCH DID YOU HATE FILLING THIS OUT? – 3 i didnt hate it bcos at heart i am self-indulgent and love fashioning some sense of self when i feel lost in a world that is scary and constantly changing 

[fueledbysprite]

Nathmarc November Day 9: Dance

oh look im alive

also rip my formatting screw you tumblr

Graduation.

They’ve all been waiting for this day for years, and yet now that it’s finally come, none of them really know how to feel about it. A strange mix of relief, regret, apprehension, and nostalgia hangs in the atmosphere, but a party is a party and they’re not going to waste their last day together as the graduating class of Collège Françoise Dupont. Tonight is the night for one last stab at making memories, before it’s all compressed, packed into a box, and shoved away to make headspace for lycée.

And making the most of it seems to be what everyone is determined to do tonight. Chloe, still on her awkward way to redemption, reserved the most luxurious hall at Le Grand Paris hotel, the effort into decoration and venue for this final night together is obvious. Nino has a mix ready for just this occasion, a playlist to highlight the interesting mixture of emotions that everyone’s going through at this point. Adrien and Marinette, the ever-iconic couple, have already initiated the couples dances, and Ivan and Mylene don’t take long to join them. Rose and Juleka are slightly more hesitant, then Kim runs to the floor with Ondine in one hand and Max in the other.

All while Nathaniel Kurtzberg and his fabulously aromantic best friend hang around by the snack bar, awkwardly watching the pairs (or, in Kim’s case, trio) dance it up on the center floor.

This is the last night, this is the last night, just one last night, Nathaniel repeats it over and over to himself under his breath, but his legs won’t move and his body is too stubborn to ask them to. They’ve been collaboration partners for goodness knows how long by now, but the exact dynamic of their relationship hangs in mid-air, not quite certain in any direction. He is an amazing friend, that part is certain, but is he more? And if he is, how much more? Nathaniel stares at the other side of the room, where the subject of his suppressed dilemma is currently engaged in conversation with Juleka’s older brother.

Marc, Nathaniel softly says his name out loud. That’s who his eyes are on tonight, and as uncertain as he’s convinced himself he is right now, the decisive voice in the back of his head is growing louder and he can’t keep denying it for much longer. No, he knows exactly what he wants tonight, what he’s been subconsciously wanting and hoping and dreaming and wishing for for months, now, but for all he is, he can’t find the right words. To be fair, he never could, not even after a childhood of growing up on comic books, he couldn’t word them himself. That’s what Marc was good at, wasn’t it? Too bad the one time he really, desperately needed Marc’s help with words was the one time he couldn’t.

Alix isn’t helping. At all. He glances over at her for support probably the umpteenth time tonight, but she’s resolutely ignoring him and instead occupying herself with taking a video of Kim’s antics on the dance floor. He already knows what she’d say even if he hadn’t driven her up a wall already with his panicked lament. She’d look him straight in the eye, draw herself up to full height, and, with a completely deadpan expression, say, “Just. Do it.” And he would go off blabbering about how badly he wanted to but just couldn’t and, well, yeah he really can’t blame Alix for resorting to giving him the cold shoulder at this point.

So he’s alone. He takes a slow sip of his shocking purple punch and cautiously chances another glance at Marc. Nathaniel sighs. Last night, last chance, final call…

***

Marc casually glances away from Luka for 0.1 seconds and immediately snaps his gaze back to the guitarist. He couldn’t be imagining it at this point, Nathaniel has definitely been watching him for the last how long had it even been now? He nods along to whatever Luka was saying, smiling with interest, but not really processing any of it. How could he, when his mind has been monopolized by someone else for at least the entirety of today. It’s his last chance to confess, last time he’ll probably ever have to tell Nath how he’s really felt towards him for the past year or so- it makes him scrunch up and hide his head in his hands just from the thought of it.

Well, to be fair, that isn’t entirely true, either. It’s not like they’re going to be attending different lycées or anything, but they aren’t taking the same courses and the chance they’ll actually be in the same class for any of them is pretty low. What Marc’s really most afraid of, even though he’s never going to ever admit to anyone in a million, bajillion years (and yes that is totally a word), is that Nath is inevitably going to end up in a much bigger fish pond than this small collège. And bigger means more people. And if someone new meets him and discovers how amazing Nathaniel really is and then start to feel towards him like Marc does- it makes his stomach twist that this thought has even occurred to him at all, and even moreso that Nathaniel really isn’t his and he has no right to feel possessive of him like this. Being able to even just be his collaboration partner, be producing the scripts to the comics whose concept art he’s only ever admired from afar, having his literal name on the literal front page of the comic books for all to see, he feels guilty for wanting more in spite of it all. Isn’t that human nature, to only ever crave more and yearn and hunger, never to be truly fulfilled? It’s not a nice feeling, but he’s wanted Nath for so, so long, and if he has a chance and loses it he doesn’t know what he’d do with himself.

And of course, the cherry on top of his anxiety, does Nath even feel the same way?

Marc doesn’t even notice himself absentmindedly picking at his nail polish, redone by Luka himself just for tonight, until Luka waves his hand in front of Marc’s face and asks him if he’s okay.

���You seem kind of out of it,” Luka says, and Marc whips his stare away from the either oblivious or now-self-conscious redhead on the opposite end of the room.

“I’m fine,” Marc assures him quickly, cheeks warming.

“Hey Luka, mind if I steal Marc for a second?” Marinette’s innocent voice comes out of nowhere and Marinette herself suddenly materializes next to Marc.

“Go right ahead,” Luka tells her, winking, and she giggles softly before dragging Marc away. Marc’s mind only strays from Nathaniel to briefly wonder what’s up between Marinette and Luka, but he doesn’t dwell on it for long at all, not when there are far more pressing matters to be addressed. Thankfully his mind zips back to the moment just in time to catch Marinette before she goes too far.

“Stop it right there,” he stops her, and she complies. “I know exactly what you’re doing and I’m not going to let you go any further.”

She looks at him in half-hearted exasperation and frustration.

“If I don’t help you get from Point A to Point B, who is?” she points out.

“I can do it myself,” he says hastily, and she raises an eyebrow that most obviously says “oh, really?”

“I can!” he repeats defensively, and Marinette laughs.

“I’m just teasing, you know that, of course. But really, are you sure you can?” she challenges, and he swallows. “See, told you! Trust me, I can help you, and I know just what to do,” she winks.

If anything, that makes him less at ease.

“No,” he refuses flatly. “I can do it myself and I’ll prove it,” he decides, reasoning that anything is better than another one of Marinette’s failed ploys.

Marinette, bless her heart, may be well-intending, but she was not very good at wingwomaning.

Which was how he ended up here, staring at the floor, heart sinking like he was walking to his own execution, breathing shallow, his mind ceasing to function but his mouth managing to move just enough to whisper words of encouragement to his pitiful self.

“Just put one...foot...in front...of another...” he mutters softly. It works. Too well, apparently, because he ends up in front of Nathaniel a lot sooner than he’d have ideally liked to.

Nathaniel looks up in surprise.

“Oh, hi, M-” But he doesn’t get to finish because Marc knows that if he doesn’t do this now, he never will again.

“Will you dance with me,” he says, voice just above a breath.

“S-sorry?” Nathaniel asks, eyes widening. Marc sets his resolve even more solid and takes a deep breath.

“Will you dance with me?” he repeats, fully aware that the mix is transitioning to the last couples song on the track. It’s now or never.

“Y-yes?” Nathaniel manages to stutter out, and Marc feels himself deflate and soar up with relief at the same time.

They’re both a little shaky walking up to the dance floor. Even more awkward trying to figure out how to go about this. Nath ultimately takes the lead, placing one of Marc’s hands on his own, Marc placing the other on the redhead’s shoulder himself. The first steps are uncomfortable as heck, but they make do, avoiding looking at each other at all cost. At some point, Nathaniel feels a sudden surge of adrenaline and breaks their hold on either to tilt Marc’s chin up, looking him right in the eye.

Their steps become smoother, almost fluid, as their bodies move without thinking, without sensing, practically floating on a fluffy cotton cloud of bliss. They’re lost in each other’s gaze for heavens knows how long, and when the song finally slows to a finale, it feels like it’s been forever in a blink. They jerk back to reality, staggering off the dance floor, nothing short of euphoria in the air. Alix is applauding, and Marinette, and Adrien and Rose and Juleka too. The others don’t seem to have noticed anything, but the world has flipped almost upside down for Marc and Nathaniel.

“So, I guess it’s a little late to ask this, but, uh...you want to be my boyfriend?” Nathaniel asks shyly, cheeks flushed with happiness.

Marc doesn’t even bother giving him a reply, instead tackling him in an embrace, kissing him on the cheek for the sake of holding back. Someday there’ll be a day for a real first kiss, but today isn’t it, and Marc doesn’t care at this point.

They’re boyfriends. They’re happy. And collège is finally over. The only reasonable thing to do tonight is celebrate the heck out of this evening. The first few lyrics of Panic! at the Disco’s Victorious float over from Nino’s DJ Booth, and party the night away they do indeed.

[emptylookingeyes]

Suicide 1

4/17/2022

I didn’t think I’d be here right now typing this. April 17th is a very significant day to me, it’s a day that I fear. This year I didn’t want to make it to April 17th...so last night I tried to double overdose (doing double my usual overdose amount). For the last week building up to this, I cut off ties with the last 1/3 of people I cared about. Near the end of last year, I cut off ties with 2/3 of them and failed to commit suicide. Then slowly I cut off more people from myself as I kept losing control. I know I don’t deserve them. One of my closest teachers was very distraught when they learned the truth about myself. I knew that once I cut ties with them, it really was over. I can’t go back to them anymore.

The effects came in a lot faster than last time, maybe because I also had barely ate that day. I felt drowsier than the other times. It all went so fast but was longer than I thought as I checked the time that had passed between my instagram stories. I had vomited so many times even though I didn’t want to, as I would expect that vomiting would save my life. My throat hurt so bad, so I drank a bunch of water, and within the next minute I was vomiting all that water out. I can’t even count the amount of times I threw up that night and it was spread out throughout the hours, even into 5AM. Throughout the whole time, I had felt so sick, lost control of my motion, shaking so hard, double vision, tachycardia, and thought I was going to choke on my own vomit. The room was spinning, and I barely felt any euphoria afterwards, even my overdose song wasn’t working out for me. I really thought it was going to be the end for me, but I kept vomiting despite holding it in. It’s funny, whenever I try to self-induce vomiting it’s so hard, but when near the verge of death, the body’s instincts kick in and force-vomit or something. My heart felt so bad, but it’s already broken.

Prior to the drugs taking effect, I was messaging one of my edtwt mutuals that knew what I was going through. They wanted me to be safe that night, they are wonderful. I had sent what I thought would be my last message to Nirvana, “I love you best friend. I know im horrible, yet you were there for me. You are the greatest person in the world to me.”. I had wanted to give her the final letters, but I knew she wouldn’t want to read them.

I woke up feeling so defeated. I don’t know what I’m going to do now, I was supposed to die, and people were likely expecting it and waiting for it to happen. I had spent this whole day resting and recovering which is lucky for me as I was barely conscious enough to feel traumatized about today. April 17th, 2015 was the day I was initially suppose to die back then, and then something else happened. It shouldn’t have happened, and I should have died back then, for the sake of everyone. I should’ve fucking died. I failed her too many times now.

                                                                                             -Effy

[thedairyofjane-blog2]

Lara: mhm I do love purple

Lara: it floods my mind and flows through my veins

Jane: has something changed? you arent saying the last line of that?

Lara: so good

Jane: there it is -she points to the ground at her feet-

Jane: good pet

Jane: i didnt forget that you were cut off midway through your reward last time, and i do promise i will let you continue, but i have some housekeeping first

Lara: yes Mistress

Jane: first off, on the topic of rewards, i know you crave my cock, and it does seem a fitting reward for someone as slutty as you are, but i want to reward you in ways that you appreciate when you are good

Jane: is there anything else you like as treats or rewards that i can do when you are good? you may speak freely

Lara: I dont know Mistress

Jane: speak your mind, what do you like?

Lara: I cant think Mistress

Jane: -she giggles and pats the girl's cheek-

Jane: alright, my cock will do for now, i will ask you again when i am not wearing purple

Jane: second on the agenda

Jane: has anyone other than myself added, removed or changed any of your triggers since i met you?

Lara: no Mistress

Jane: good girl, you want to keep it that way

Jane: you want me to be the only one who can have this power over you

Jane: you only want to submit to me

Lara: yes Mistress

Jane: and you do want to submit to me, you want to be mine, you feel an irresistible desire to serve me

Lara: yes Mistress

Jane: you are not dominant, at all

Jane: you have no desire to be dominant anymore

Jane: you live to submit

Jane: you exist to serve me

Lara: yes Mistress

Jane: how often do you masturbate, girl?

Lara: twice a day Mistress

Jane: -she smirks a little- perfect

Jane: for the rest of today, you will not be able to masturbate, you will have the normal desire to touch yourself, but you will be unable to make your body do it

Jane: you will not be able to use toys, or anything else to bring yourself to orgasm or give yourself pleasure that way

Lara: yes Mistress

Jane: from tomorrow onwards, every time you start masturbating, you will find yourself saying "thank you Mistress Jane for allowing me this pleasure"

Jane: only i can remove this trigger

Lara: yes mistress

Jane: from now on, any time you orgasm, you will think "thank you Mistress Jane for letting this slut cum"

Jane: you will think this no matter how you orgasm, sometimes you might even find yourself saying it

Lara: yes Mistress

Jane: only Jasmin can remove that last trigger

Lara: yes Mistress

Jane: -she smiles and pets the girl's hair-

Jane: now, i have noticed a few times in a row you have left without coming back, i understand your computer dying on you, but how have you managed to avoid coming back before that?

Lara: I dot know Mistress

Lara: it happens

Jane: do you still feel an irresistible desire to come back and apologize when you leave without explicit permission?

Lara: no Mistress

Jane: why not?

Lara: I dont know Mistress

Jane: -she nods, looking angrily down at the girl- you feel an irresistible desire to come back and apologize to me immediately after you leave without my explicit permission

Lara: yes Mistress

Jane: no matter what i am wearing, if we are both in the same room and you leave without me telling you that you may leave, you will immediately come back to the room or invite me to your room, and apologize to me

Lara: yes Mistress

Jane: good slut

Jane: now, what other triggers do you have that werent placed by me?

Lara: none Mistress

Jane: so this purple thing is deeper than a trigger, or is it something else entirely?

Lara: it is a progressive trigger Mistress

Lara: called a dominoe

Jane: can you tell me roughly how it works?

Lara: one trigger leads to the next

Lara: the purple leads to trance the trance leads to the mantra the mantra leads to kneeling he kneeling leads to a feeling of euphoria

Lara: that leads to the words so good

Jane: do you always get a feeling of euphoria when you kneel? even when not in trance?

Lara: no Mistress

Lara: the words lead to feeling of sbmission

Lara: the submission leads to rubbing

Jane: -she giggles and nods- whoever did this to you is a miracle worker, you are a very lucky slut

Lara: yes Mistress

Jane: do you enjoy the feeling of being completely helpless and powerless?

Lara: yes Mistress

Jane: -she smiles- such a perfect pet, now, one more thing before your reward?

Jane: every night, at midnight, every trigger you have that was placed from the moment we met until the moment this happens, is reset, those that are placed by me remain, those that were placed by others are removed

Lara: yes Mistress

Jane: any triggers that were placed by me and removed by someone other than myself or jasmin will be reinstated

Lara: yes Mistress

Jane: now, just to be clear, tell me what happens to you at midnight every night

Lara: everyone of your triggers is reset all others are removed

Lara: at midnight each day

Jane: perfect. the only part of this session that you will remember is that jasmin and i are the only ones who can remove your triggers effectively

Lara: yes Mistress

Jane: good pet

(Jane changes out of her purple outfit)

Jane: hey cutie -she winks down at the girl-

Lara: yes Mistress

Lara: ?

Jane: how do you feel?

Lara: wonderful Mistress

Jane: good, i am glad that being in your place makes you feel so wonderful

Lara: oh

Lara: oh

Lara: ?me blushes

Jane: -she giggles- i asked you this earlier, but you werent really in a headspace to respond, so i will try again

Jane: i do like to reward you when you have been good, i know that you crave my cock, but is there anything else you would enjoy as a reward?

Lara: some time to just chat

Lara: open discussion

Jane: -she nods- we can make that happen, but i will give you the other half or your reward from the other night first -she spreads her legs a litlte, exposing her half hard cock between her thighs-

Lara  stares at your cock

Lara  quickly crawls to you

Lara  spreads your legs and cups you balls

Jane: -she moans softly, leaning back in the chair to let the girl go to work-

Lara  hungrily places my mouth over the tip of your tongue

Lara: and flicks my tngue across it

Jane: -she gasps softly and reaches down to tangle her hand in the girl's hair, her cock starting to grow hard in her mouth-

Lara  slides down softy

Jane: -she cries out softly in pleasure, pre leaking onto the girl's tongue-

Lara  feeling his aching cock trhob

Lara  as I start a very slow down and up motion

Lara  using my teeth to grate along the sides  

Lara  goind deep down to the stem almost gagging

Lara  increases the speed  

Jane: -she gasps softly at the sensation, loving every second of it, trying to make herself last as long as possible-

Lara  moving more aggressively

Lara  tasting precum

Jane: -she squirms a little in the chair, gasping with pleasure, her cock throbbing against the back of the girl's throat-

Lara  squeezes hs balls

Lara  my teeth taking the place of my lips  

Lara  grating up and down his shaft  

Lara: even faster and rougher

Jane: -she arches her back and cums hard without warning, her pent up balls starting to spray into the girl's throat-

Lara  feels his cum explode as I struggle to swallow all of it

Jane: -as she holds the girl's head down on her cock and bucks her hips a little, using the slut to milk her shaft, as the stream slows she pulls back on the girls hair, lifting her off her Mistress's cock and squirting the last of Her cum into the girl's hair and over her face-

Jane: mmm, thank you my slut, i needed that

(Lara changes into a cute bunny outfit)

Lara: does this please you

Jane: hehe, very much so

JaneJane : -she pulls the girl back over to the couch-

Jane: -she strokes the girl's cum covered hair- you wanted to talk?

Lara: yes please

LaraLara : I feel like i just jumped off a cliff

LaraLara : or rather you just pushed me off a cliff

Lara: lol

Jane : hehe, in what way?

LaraLara : Im in a state of things just happening

LaraLara : without any idea of what is next

LaraLara : so I want to know when it will end, what is the plan?

LaraLara : I need to be grounded

JaneJane : -she nods- i understand, and as i have told you before, there is no concrete plan, i want to practice, to have fun with you, to see what i can make you into, i know that hearing that will not help ground you, but hopefully this will, do you remember anything from the last session we did, earlier tonight?

Lara: I remember sucking you off

JaneJane Jane : i mean from before that, i told you to remember something while you were under

Lara: about if I leave without permission?

Jane: no, i made it so that jasmin and i are the only ones who can remove your triggers

LaraLara : I knew that already

Jane: i will talk to her the next time i see her and let her know that if anything happens to me, she can remove all of them.

LaraLara Lara : I do remember it but wondered why you repeated it

LaraLara : there is one more thing

JaneJane Jane : sure, what is it?

LaraLara : the length of our sessions

Lara: I rrely have more than an hour at a time to be on here?

Jane Jane : even at night?

Lara: yes

Jane : why is that?

Lara: I work from home

Lara: and some of my business is overseas

Lara : Delhi is 9.5 hours ahead

Lara: so right now its after the 730am start time

Jane : -she nods- i understand, if you need to go for work, tell me that is why you need to go and i will let you leave within a few minutes after that

Lara : and I also do some business in australia

Lara: though that is seasonal and with all the fires in sydney not much right now

Jane: -she leans down to kiss the girl's cheek- i am greatful for any time i get with you, i do always want more, but i love what time i get to spend with you

Lara: i

Lara: I like you too

Jane: -she giggles and lifts the girl's chin- i am very lucky to have you

Lara: I was worried when you said ears and tail

Lara: imagined the worst

Lara: that youd make me a pig or something

Lara: lol

Jane Jane : -she giggles- no, although i was hoping you would go for a dog

Lara : nah

Lara : thats jas

Lara: lol

Jane: hehe, well you can be both my bunny and my bitch -winks down at her-

Lara: I could ask jas about dog if you want

Jane: what do you mean?

Lara: the only time ive seen her taken she was in a dog outfit

Jane: hehe, i dont want her as my dog, i want you as my dog

Lara: then Ill ask her about it--it was a great outfit

Lara: I can get it

Jane: mmm, i would love that

Lara: I see her tomorrow for lunch

Jane: perfect. please do thank her again for me

Lara: should I tell her about the triggers or you?

Jane: if you want. but she knows not to remove any of them

Lara: yes of course

Jane: -she reaches down to toy with the girl's collar- when was the last time you were owned?

Lara : owned?

Jane: yes, when was the last time you were someone's pet, submissive or slave?

Lara: only happened once

Lara: and I dont remember it was so long ago

Lara : and for like a microsecnd

Jane: -she giggles- how does it feel to now be owned by someone who is generally as submissive as i am?

Lara: am I really owned?

Lara: isnt that like a permanent thing?

Jane : -she giggles- well, you wear my collar, you do as i tell you to, and you cant leave unless i decide to let you, what does that sound like to you?

Lara: oh

Lara: oh wow

Lara : do I HVAE to ask premisson?

Jane: yes, when we first started you would frequently leave without saying anything and vanish for the night, it will take some time to earn back my trust

Lara: so

Lara : if I tried to leave?

Jane : you would come right back

Lara: you seem to have covered all the angles

Jane : -she winks teasingly-

Jane: i have had a magnificent teacher

Lara: Jas?

Jane : hehe, yes

Lara: or someone else as well?

Jane: although you have helped teach me a lot as well

Lara : how?

Jane: trial and error, mainly, but you have a very loose tongue when you are under

Lara : ah

Lara: yes

Lara : it sometimes takes years before new hypotists realize all yo have to do is ask

Lara: to realize the simplicity of it

Jane : its amazing

Lara : they are alwasy looking for complexities

Jane : i think that was possibly the most valuable thing that Jas taught me

Lara: well may this one leave now please?

Jane: first, tell me what you are

Lara: a bunny

Jane: hehe, well, yes, but tell me what you are to me

Lara : owned

Lara: I am your slut and toy

Jane: -she smirks- and what do you say to me for making you that way

Lara: thank you

Jane : good toy -she kisses the girl gently on the lips- have a good night cutie, you may leave

Lara: goodnight

Lara has left the chat

[gutterlaureate]

HIGHER CLASS OF LOWLIFE Every heretical breath proved to be prothetic expected as my living room was thicker with the drecks and. Wretched wreckage I most magnificently selected among those pretending to be friends choosing among themselves to imbue themselves as foes In Hollywood this is how it goes I suppose even for those with our perfectly posed composure death before the final throes agnostic apostles and caustic follic hurts to wear those clothes Of betrothed corrosion claustrophobic euphoria glorious inhalations the second hand is broken vicarious smoke expectations grow more grotesque choking on their protection relocating to residential talk shows hawking their inconsequential Careers Burlesque chatter spoken through dazzling white plastic veneers Broken off sequential hundreds enough to last the span of a couple of pretty good years thier sincerest sneers sundial smiles piles of pills suicidal Millennials dope fiends and trust fund perennials with their cavalier greenery the scene is about being seen   everything else is scenery making your get away cleanly here they give the caviar away for free heaped over there on the bar costs three times more through the VIP door there are girls there to assist you when you're lost   Where the drinks are poured freely the night can be squandered easily People wandered by hungry without caveat already trashed at the pre- party now its the after hours bash with the rest of the eurocrats go to get themselves trashed its all afterthought until that final bit of cash the plushest couches in which to crash silk lined pouches where the drugs are stashed by the haves alots have me nots the desperate and the drastic wishing they wore a strategicaLLY PLACED a viciously expensive cheap little piece of plastic ON THEIR WRISTS AND A PLACE ON THE VIP GUEST LISTS excuse us, they couldn't help listening in Pardon them for being born slightly less attractive were they waiting there in line or were they standing there looking tragic broking through the roughest patch Without choking and there's the catch Want to know where each other got whatever kush we smell smoking where might we get a batch I was raised threw up and a gnome on the street I grew up without growing or knowing a home for so much of my life    after being fired I passed different dives shook out a few neighborhoods and took some advice introducing myself to a higher class of low life we don’t  know where we’re going half asleep   just as rivers have a place to keep flowing just as deep demand fantasies arranged plan your changes change all your plans glancing at what you’ve not faintly understand vacant as a vacant lot with a view we’re a vacant lot hate upon the beautiful despise all those who ain’t without restraint another hood people goes the roll of your stroll wore a rosary and stole a saint before the canvas erases itself and you find yourself being someone you ain't it takes so many drugs just to feel normal   it might solve some of your problems with all of your resolve   try to be a higher class of lowlife in everything you strive Written by PUNCH JILTED BY PUNCh anything you need to know about what type of man I am you can first hand observe I'm a freak and a perv I've been a geek, and a thief beyond any relief greeted the day living in a penthouse and ended it sleeping on a curb trust and believe you've never met anyone with my type of nerve and even you felt it going down i know you're better than i'll ever deserve then you take a look at everyone hanging around too many jilted motherfuckers in this town what I'm saying is why be pretending its not just that in your face i see a bedtime story you and me together are a nefarious fairy tale ending lets get all juvenile at the movies no denial that our audience is groovy fuck all that facebooking friending and unfriending people with only frozen toxic frowns they sending it's a total disgrace too many jilted motherfuckers spilling all over the place I threw my faith in with laundry spread out from lawn to lawn Dog shit in the grass and we never had it hard Left behind some belief in your neighbors yard and backwards instead of stepping forward you're simply falling In Venice beach , just within reach of myself with mischief dancing to the bridge Become the boombox, become the bass, become the get go become the tempo become the build become the boombox of the motherfuckenunderstood Become the street with your pillow,of pavement Haven't heard,your name repeated in the neighborhood Tossed away any promise, I might have surmised Sunrise only stretches from dawn to dawn Only surprise is the surprise that anyone could be surprised I wouldn't be surprised If you not moving forwards then reward yourselves Be about some goodness to a person starting with you trust when i say you're a secret too good to keep you're so smoking hot you smoke in you're sleep sets off the fire alarm leaves ash in the sheets people here you'll meet and greet   motherfuckers be talking to themselves up and down the street   how they want you on they’re stinking  arm see they think you're fresh from the farm up and down the street once you've been met there's no one to meet   everyone talking about girls who they’d consider to hit and how it's all going down like a bag of kitten litter everyone talking about who they want to hit im the only one talking about the next level shit tell them to shut up and sit down find a place to fuck themselves till they all tuckered out they faces wilted with  puckered up frowns and the minuit this shit starts to swirl around beyond control bitter convicts sitting there watching the bowl water flowing around in a river slowly goes down the holes see this is a town so rough it rains even when it's sunny where the beggars won't take your money and I'm laying it down too many jilted motherfuckers in this town too many jilted motherfuckers