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spikeinthepunch · 1 year ago

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i have no plans to talk about the Emotional side of this, but the many weeks i have spent with a neuropsych trying to pin down the specifics of my cognitive issues has certainly been interesting, and im gonna detail that below. its made me really realize that alongside my issues, that there is so little understanding in society about the extent of "learning disabilities". even everyone here, every person who sits with the ADHD and autism labels and knows its probably part of their learning issues- the fact that there is probably so much more to it than you can even realize. and most people wont ever have the knowledge of depth to see that, or the proof of tests to see that.

i deeply wish getting this kind of testing but its insanely expensive. like, way WAY expensive. and its super important to get a good doctor for this (any Californians, i would gladly name the guy i am seeing!) but its not accessible at all (this series of tests take like, 6+ weeks but more for me bc i am more than just Learning tests. i am on week 10), which is obviously the main problem. hardly anyone i know will be able to get with kind of depth on Why they struggle. i am in a very privileged position to get to do this. its not bad to sit with labels like ADHD, or just know about your diagnosis of Autism (your Autism wont go away with this. you still have it. you'll just see the specifics, the stems to your problems) is what makes you struggle. this isnt a means to shame people or to say you have to do this in order to get better or get help.

but for me and i assume others, i havent been able to get the right accommodations for anything. society will never try to understand anyone cognitive abilities further and they NEED to make this shit more availble. I tried many things but none of them worked for me, but i also dont know WHY they dont work for me. putting aside the emotional struggles i am also doing in these tests (there is Cognitive testing and Emotional testing- which also makes things more pricey), i have been really really wanting to learn. just Things. it is all i want but I cannot, and the future feels impossible due to that. I try so hard to learn but nothing happens. i want to code, i want to 3D model, i was to up my drawing game, etc etc- even if i went for my assumed "easy" choice (simply production in entertainment) i still struggle to keep it in my head. it always feel like laziness, to sit down at try and then it doesnt stick, and that just makes you feel worse. Still i'd go and learn 3D modelling consistently for a week, but quite literally the moment i looked away from the donut tutorial, i couldnt do it. genuinely everything was lost from my brain. id redo it, i would do the donut tutorial again, but then thats all i could do.

learning with coding is no different, but i try to try very hard because i feel like i know it all "in theory", i look at stuff and i kinda can see what it all means. but right now as i try to learn Narrat, i am very actively seeing how the results of these tests are spelling out the problem. i sit down and look at documents but i cannot take in the reading material, but i see images and i get it kind of so i try- i look at someone else's game for some help but i dont totally know it. but i ask for help in the discord a LOT because i cannot process the documents they hand me, i cannot peice together what the documents say in order to solve the error i got, and only kind of get it when i connect an image of the code to what im doing, but there arent many pictures of what i need step by step and i get stuck again.

so many little things-- things that i cant really add up to just being ADHD- at the very least no one knows how to accommodate to my specifics anyways so i never get it solved. the autism may explain some things but it doesnt explain it all. I can't count change even on my fingers, i cant add things up on paper and i forgot how to multiply and divide. i forget things when theyre not in front of me, nothing i read stays in my head, nor does anything i listen to. i may work fast, i may process movement and things presented surprisingly well, but those four things (math, memory, listening comp, reading comp) are key things to learning that are SO awful it explains every reason i have been this way. i take it in quick, but it goes away in the blink of an eye.

i dont have ADHD by the way- it was one of those labels slapped on for years because "well your memory is bad, and so is your attention, and you have a hard time learning". and i dont disagree exactly, if i hadnt done this i would have been going along w my life with that label and it would have been fine- aside from the fact none of the ADHD meds i have taken over the years have never work, of course. or the fact i still wouldnt really know how to learn things because i dont have accommodations that actually help me make progress. i think i would still be sitting around stuck, thinking i am just stupid and there is no way around it.

point is- there is a lot under the surface. there are a collection of things that explain parts of your cognitive function and they all work on their own. and because i know this now, i can get very specific help. i can properly understand why certain accommodations in the past didnt work, what will work, and what i can do to actually try and Learn Shit. going through years of utterly sucking at everything in school is awful, it really knocks you down. Especially when you want to learn, you feel like you are trying so hard.

for more recent years i have sat here just thinking i couldnt do anything. watching family make progress as they age and feeling unable to do that too feels like shit and i hate the idea of never being able to put anything out there. i am in a place where i can live just fine without any job really, but i dont want to do that? i dont want to do nothing- even if it weren't a job, why would i want to sit around doing the one think i know- draw- and never be able to do anything else? id like it as a job but even outside of that i just want to know things like anyone else.

the fact that i feel far more hopeful than ever before is really a nice feeling. for a while it was a kind of motivation that was more like fighting a brick wall to proceed because even though i wanted something to change, i had no idea how it could. this isnt a clear "ok go do A and B and youll learn!". this will still be a long time of build. it will be a process as it would be for anything with learning and i still get overwhelmed by the prospect too, its still terrifying because i still wonder if it will really work out. but goddamn i do not feel like these many weeks of testing have been a waste- i really do understand far more than ever. its kind of sad to see, to have gone for so long without help, but id rather know it now than to never know and to always feel helpless and stupid.

#good god long post in coming

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waxsuyaaa · 7 months ago

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beware! large amounts of yapping ahead!

okay its time for me to complain about people because my journal isnt cutting it for my standards in actually wordvomiting everything before I sleep

yay so theres one girl in my class, all stories I could ever say always start with “so there is one person in my class” im not original and neither are they because theres like 10 different boys and they all look and sound the same to me I havent memorised their names after 2 years and 3 of them have the same last name

okay so theres this one girl in my class and y’know how theres always a duo in a trio and apparently im always the one leeching off of other peoples friendships because im always the new person at the school for whatever reason and im probably never going to have a genuine friend group because either i dont try enough or people in schools absolutely suck (im leaning towards the latter option because I dont wanna blame myself)

OKAY im the singular loner oh so sad person in the trio and the other 2 people have so much in common like hey theyre family friends and like the same music and talk about men all the time and never strike a conversation with me and im the person who they pair up with and talk to when theres a task which we are in groups of 3s

so a teacher brought in taylor swift merchandise and I saw one of those light up wristbands and apparently the other 2 ppl who I *think* im friends with also like taylor swift (more than me, because im a wretched fake fan or whatever) and one of them says if they can have the wristband because it was the only one from the eras tour the teacher had and then she offered to buy it off me for 20 bucks and hey you know where this is going

she hasnt paid me in the half a year since that and I keep reminding her and she keeps telling me to remind her and she keeps on going “im gonna pay you next week I promise” like shut up if you’re not gonna keep your promise just say it. if you dont have the money literally just say it and next time we walk to your house you could give the wristband back

but actually the audacity like last week for her to say “why am i even paying you for this its just a bracelet” when we already agreed on it and i may be extremely petty but she could have said its freaking worth is only 5 cents or whatever and then her attempt to GUILT TRIP ME because her allowance is only a dollar everytime she does a chore?? and the fact she said oh just ask [the other person in the friend group] to pay?? like hey hello what this is just between you and i

and the fact that the other person in the friend group stands up for her is just ouchh what yeah I know them two were besties since they were in the womb and maybe even in a past life they were actually intertwined plants or whatevr

and they talked right in front of me just back and forth “oh you dont have to pay her its not worth it” “real friends dont owe people things its just out of kindness” and im like HEY IM RIGHT HERE BEHIND YOU and the fact they kept checking behind them to see if I was eavesdropping which was so incredibly easy because they were literally talking so loud I swear my life is recorded or something and theyre speaking loudly so the viewer can be in on the drama

and maybe im making drama out of nothing but these two CALL ME BESTIE and every single time i call them out on a fault or something and im like thats not what you said earlier BECAUSE EITHER THEIR MEMORY IS WACK OR THEYRE LIARS theyre just like “oh we’re joking�� like what the hell you cannot use jokes to get out of situations

even when im not having a good day and trying to not engage in conversatjon as often theyre always like “why did you talk like that” like huh I didnt know I wasnt allowed to stop smiling for a while

i mean theres more stuff and im still gonna say it ive asked her [the uhh first one] if im interesting or not and she replied yeah sure and when asked why she said oh you say animal facts sometimes like HEY IM AN ACTUAL PERSON and the most interesting thing about me is that I say animal facts sometimes like hey look at me im an encyclopedia its literally like when teachers call me “their little calculator” or whatever also EWW this is why I dont like pet names they suck

so am i overreacting?? yeah

should I be thrown against a wall? yeah

can i sleep? no thats why im writing this

#yappapocalypse

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blackvail22 · 1 year ago

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9/18/23 -- 10:46pm

i dont remember if i told you this, but my least favorite coworker gave me their number on thursday. it gave me the ick in the moment because i really dont like them (for a number of reasons), but i now feel like ive been an asshole and that i should text them.

here are a few reasons why i dont like them:

actively supports things that i cannot (blue lives matter)

favorite artists are racist and support white supremacy

...this one i have to thoroughly explain

and look, i want to believe that we can seperate the art from the artist, but when the artist makes music about the problematic things they support (aka white supremacy) or has the stars and bars flag on their guitar, i dont think.... i dont think we can separate those two lol. and i also want to believe them about having DID, i do, but i have done so much research about DID and they really do not ever switch. i mean, they do switch into a country accent sometimes but its severely watered down and you can tell its.. fake. but also, when i first met them, they told me they did that because they do it when theyre bored. and they told our coworker that they do that because they have DID. sure, they could have it, but i just... i dont know. i cant believe it

i think i only really want to text them because i am feeling lonely and i dont want to be lonely anymore. i hate post-breakup stuff because ive thought about getting with people that i dont even really like that much as well as people i know would be bad for me. hell, ive thought about getting with him for the third time, and SURE -- maybe THIS time he's changed (he hasnt its been a month) but i feel like im rotting on the inside. i feel like im wasting time. i really want someone i could talk to and show my love for.

i cant be in love though; im severely.... clingy. its troubling at times, and i dont like it. there was a time in november of a certain year when i was talking to someone i severely liked, and they told me they had a crush on someone. i went .... insane. obviously, i dont think they knew about it, but i cried for WEEKS. sometimes i would cry so hard and so much that i nearly threw up. i screamed sooo many times out of anger, and i have so many videos and notes rants about it.. here is something i found from that time .. "... we're not fucking dating, but my god, dude, you make me feel like an idiot! ... ugh. i'm fed up, but i'm not gonna go away, and we both know that. fuck. fuck fuckf cufkc hfrsdakhfbaewk;bn"

i said a lot besides that, the most important parts i think, but the general thing i said was "you couldve at least told me you were busy. fuck you for leaving me for some other girl. her and i are probably just objects anyway" and OH MY GOD?>>>>??????> i genuinely dont believe that now, but i was so out of myself then (and almost every time im in love) that it KILLLLLS me

"i think tjis hurts so much because once again, no one will love me enough to see me in their future forever. i mean, youre still special to me, and talking to you is great, but i liked you romantically just because i wanted loved. i loved that feeling that i was chasing, but you ruined it and you crushed me once again. all well."

i love so much and so hard because i want to be loved and i want to feel love back. it makes it so easy for me to fall for someone because of that. it makes it difficult to differentiate the difference between love and the idea of love really easily. it makes me afraid ill never really find the authentic kind of love i long for. not only that, but when someone says they love me and shit and then say that im too much for them or say that im too crazy for them.

when i think back, though, i really do think i was in love with my ex-boyfriend and the person i had a crush on that i mentioned before. i really do think i loved them because i still feel that love i had for them. i was told that true love doesnt go away, and i think thats true.

or maybe its admiration?

i know im so young, but i feel like ive been alive for 1000 years, i swear! i feel like my heart shouldnt be this heavy for my age. nothing feels right anymore, and i try my best to make it feel better...

it feels like nothing workdss

(that took me 40 minutes to write because i kept getting distracted )

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lamestteenagegirlever · 2 years ago

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some stranger things headcanons(mostly ending up being ramblings bc im autistic)! feel sososo free to share yours with me or ask if i have any for a specific character! and shoutout to my bestie griffin for helping me come up with some of these

•max leaves like the most random shit in mikes locker. like he’ll open it and find like an origami armadillo or a piece of macaroni covered in glitter or like a singular fuzzy christmas sock. he has no idea its her(everyone else knows). he shows up to lunch every day with the item and gets more and more terrified every day.

•eddie has nicknames for all of the kids bc he loves them and hes alive and happy. he calls max ginger snap or little orphan annie or something along those lines and she acts pissed off but she loves it. he calls lucas number 8 bc even if he doesnt like basketball, he supports his kids in anything they do. dustin is just henderson ofc or the occasional like curly sue or smthn of that nature. he obvi calls erica lady applejack or miss america. he calls mike training wheel(nancy is steering wheel and holly is tricycle) or michael in the most ominous way possible. he calls will lil buddy or “sir william the wise, my lord” while doing the most dramatic curtsy ever, no in between. he calls el stupid shit like elton john or eleanor roosevelt and if hes greeting her he just asks her what number hes thinking of. i just love him and want him to be happy.

•el and mike are lesbian and gay solidarity argue with the wall. they were the first to find out about the other’s crush on max/will and they both encourage each other to go for it. el especially bc she hears how much will talks about mike. mike tries to get info from max but shes just like oh my god leave me alone(lovingly, ofc) with the reddest face ever and mike is like 🤔.

•max sees erica like a little sister and vice versa.

•will, robin, max, and eddie tell eachother all about their relationships/crushes and it ends in a nightmare every time. will told them about something really stupid mike said and eddie brought it up, laughing, at hellfire and mike was like “oh my god i fucked up so badly that will told eddie” and eddie tries to come up with another explanation like will wasnt the only other person there. “nonono, it wasnt will that told me! it was… nancy! she was… in the… bushes! for uhm……. newspaper stories???” and mike just thinks about it for the rest of the day

•idc abt canon they all go to lucas’s games and theyre huge dorks about it. they make signs and everything and then have a party at steves house regardless of whether they won or he even got to play. steve also helps lucas practice sometimes and is always like “go easy on me im old.”

•steve and robin worked a good few jobs in the months between the mall getting destroyed and the family video. they were there for maybe a week before one of them got fired(steve) and the other quit in protest bc theyre besties and share one braincell.

•lucas is a history kid, dustin and el are math kids, mike and max are english kids, and will is a science and art kid.

•steve hates his house because its always so lonely and he tells robin this like once in passing and she just shows up randomly with a duffel bag with her pjs and stuff. she probably has a key at this point so like he’ll get back from the shower or smthn and she’ll just be sitting on his bed watching tv like she lives there(she pretty much does), not that he minds obvi. he loves hanging out with her

•will and el are practically inseparable. they tell each other absolutely everything and have “sleepovers” once a week. when will realized that el doesnt know her birthday, he decided that they were gonna share his because everyone already jokingly calls them the wonder twins anyway. i literally just adore them and want more content with them.

•dustin and max will argue over the absolute dumbest stuff EVER. absolutely anything and everything. like max threatened to kill him over whether els shoes were mustard yellow or yellow-orange.

•mike acts like he hates steves guts when he finds out he likes eddie. like he’ll regularly be like “wow, you date my sister and now you’re going after my mentor.” and steve is just like “yeah, and ill go after your mom next. pipe down.”

•nancy and argyle vibe like no other and not a single person understands how. jonathan jokes that he cant believe his best friend would leave him for his ex and they all think its really funny.

•robin and steve cant spell restaurant or communicate or fairly simple words like that. they pass a singular braincell back and forth wand it probably belongs to nancy.

•steve taught all of the kids other than max how to drive. eddie taught max while steve had to like hold robins hand because of how nervous he was.

•dustin has zero rhythm(affectionate).

•el sat hopper down and asked him about his intentions with joyce like an overprotective dad when they got back from russia and always messes with him about the three inches rule.

•will gets along really well with nancy and holly. sometimes he’ll show up at the wheeler house and mikes pleasantly surprised to see him, thinking will there to see his bf but hes actually there for a tea party that holly invited him to or for his scheduled gossip session with nancy and probably steve, max, and el.

•el is an avid abba stan. she and will regularly end up having dance parties in her room when she plays it. argyle always joins in if hes over and jonathan does too, but not before he gets a couple of pictures bc he loves them a lot.

•eddie and robin smoke together on the occasion(they cried one time bc robin turned off the lights on accident and they were convinced they both went blind).

if you read this far i literally love you oh my god

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mercy-burning · 4 years ago

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Move This Along

Part of Mercy’s 1k Celebration: A collection of Spencer Reid x Reader requests to celebrate 1,000 followers.

Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!Reader Summary: After months of waiting, Spencer decides he finally wants to have sex with Reader. Category: SMUT (18+) Warnings: Language, sex (oral sex- female receiving, virgin!Spence, penetrative sex, unprotected sex, creampie) Word Count: 5.6k

Full Request: “...so a smutty oneshot with like virgin!spencer but im talkling like baby spence. and hes super blushy and cute but then when it happens its rlly raunchy and therws a lot of dirty talk. and like reader doesnt work at the bau but theyre close friends. and like she goes out to a bar with him and the team and they tease him so then she takes him home and literally fucks him after a movie or smth idk...” — @mggscumrag

MASTERLIST | 1K MASTERLIST

NOTE: It took me forever to figure out how I wanted to do this, but once I did, it came out so quickly! I hope it’s to your liking 🥰

***

The first time she went out to meet Elle's friends from work, Y/N found herself absolutely nervous, and she wasn't sure why. She was always great with meeting new people, but for some reason, the prospect of meeting her next-door neighbor's co-workers seemed to really do a number on her.

She remembers how anxious she'd been, constantly worrying that they wouldn't like her, not to mention they were all probably super smart and strong and intimidating, just like Elle. Anyone who aided in putting away serial killers, rapists, and other monsters had to be just about the most intimidating personality there ever was.

But as Y/N soon learned, that wasn't quite the case at all.

To be fair, they were all intimidating in their own little ways, though it was really easy to forget about that when she was laughing with them, sharing drinks and stories, and exchanging phone numbers to stay in touch.

That's how she and Spencer had come to be good friends. Despite how obviously shy he was whenever they saw each other, the two of them managed to have conversations on just about everything. It usually happened that he talked and she listened to whatever he was teaching her, but she'd always add on the occasional, "Wow, I didn't know that," or "That's really fascinating." All of which she could tell he was surprised at and appreciated.

And since the first time they met at Elle's birthday party, the night she met the whole team for the first time, they'd been practically inseparable. While Y/N was good friends with the whole team, save for Gideon, who always seemed to like it better by himself, her relationship with Spencer seemed to even surpass the bond she'd built with her neighbor-slash-best friend.

Elle even told her as much one Saturday night, as the two of them were driving to the bar to meet up with everyone for a few drinks.

She'd mentioned it as a joke, but Y/N was instantly apologetic.

Elle only laughed. "Don't apologize. Actually, I think it's good that Reid has another friend outside of work. You're good for him. And you know, I think he has a little crush on you."

Warmth rushed to Y/N's cheeks, and she tried to hide it but failed miserably, causing Elle to give her a knowing smile. "Y—You don't know what you're talking about, Elle, it's not like that."

"Oh come on, it totally is. You give him the light of day when no one else does, he talks about you all the time, and everyone at work knows it."

She paused. "They... do?"

"Of course they do, we're all profilers, but it doesn't take one to see how obsessed that boy is with you. I think you should go for it."

Y/N would have been lying if she said she hadn't thought about asking him out. But in the end she had always figured it was a little weird, being that she was friends with all his and Elle's co-workers and she'd kinda been adopted into their family of sorts. But hearing what her neighbor was saying... She started to think differently about it.

"You really think so?"

Elle nodded. "Absolutely."'

"Okay," she replied with an excited smile. "Maybe I will, then."

A week later and the two of them started dating. Y/N always thinks back to the first few weeks of their relationship, how adorably shy and blush-prone Spencer was, even after they'd been together for some time. They spent almost all their free time together, and it still seemed like he was nervous to be around her. He'd assured her on multiple occasions that that wasn't the case, but Y/N still wondered why he hadn't fully warmed up to being around her.

Especially in public. Oh, in public it was worse. Y/N clung to his arm, and his face immediately got red. What confused her the most, though, was that every time she pulled away to make him more comfortable, he pulled her back in, seemingly desperate to feel her warmth.

In the end she and Spencer had grown to develop their own little communication system for public settings, something to let the other know when something was really wrong, and when to ask if the other was comfortable.

One night everyone was meeting after a rough case somewhere in Denver, and Y/N offered to buy everyone drinks once Spencer had called to tell her they were all back. It wasn't out of the ordinary for her to do that, but it had been a while, so everyone was quick to except. Well, mostly everyone— Gideon as per usual went his separate way, and Hotch was eager to get home and see his family.

Y/N was waiting for them at their favorite bar downtown when she heard a loud squeal that sounded a lot like her name. Sure enough, it was easy to spot a very yellow-clad Penelope Garcia headed straight towards her with her arms stretched out for a hug when she turned around. The smile she adorned was instantaneous as her arms came out a well, embracing Penelope with a large hug that almost knocked the wind out of her.

"I missed you!" she exclaimed, still hugging Y/N and swaying them back and forth a little. "I mean, I know I don't ever travel with the team, but because of that we should hang out more."

"Next time I need some company, I know who to call."

Y/N spotted Spencer then, behind Penelope and patiently waiting for a greeting. She smiled at him and whispered, "Hi," to which Penelope must have heard.

She quickly released her from their embrace and stepped out of the way. "Oh! I'm sorry, I'm keeping you from your boy wonder."

She laughed as she transferred from Penelope's arms to Spencer's. He muttered a little, "Hi," into her hair as she squeezed him and shoved her face into his neck. If she had to bet, he was probably red as a tomato right now with how close her mouth was to his neck—it was his weakness and she knew it. And just to tease him a little bit she quickly kissed up his neck, his jaw, and placed a decent peck on his lips before pulling away and grabbing his hand.

Despite the shy smile and the blush adorning his cheeks, he squeezed her hand tight and kept her at his side like they would die if they weren't touching at all times.

Everyone gave little greetings to Y/N as they all made their way to a large booth near the back. Y/N was sitting on one side with Elle to her right and Spencer to her left, while Derek, Penelope, and JJ sat across from them. Y/N got them all their preferred drinks, and a beer for herself, which Spencer couldn't help but find oddly attractive.

He glanced over at her as she took swigs from the bottle as the night progressed, and for whatever reason the sight made his insides all warm and tingly. And when she used her unoccupied hand to grab his under the table, rubbing gentle circles over the inside of his palm with her thumb, he'd never felt more in love with another person. He wasn't even drinking any alcohol, yet his head swam and his heart soared all the same, every bone in his body humming with euphoria at just the mere thought of her.

He must have been staring a little too obviously, because Derek kicked his leg under the table, pulling him from the lovesick daydream he never wanted to leave.

"I can't tell if those are cute ol' puppy dog eyes or bedroom eyes," Derek laughed, and everyone laughed right alongside him.

"Oh, stop it," Penelope said, swatting his arm. "He's obviously just very in love with her, what more could you need to know?"

"Oh, come on, tell me you're not curious to know how they... operate."

She smacked him harder this time, and everyone laughed.

Knowing her boyfriend didn't really care for the spotlight, especially when it came to their relationship, Y/N squeezed Spencer's hand under the table in reassurance. She drew a question mark in his palm, their signal for, "Are you uncomfortable?" And he responded by drawing an "X" in her palm, their answer for, "No." She laced their fingers together then, and set her beer down.

"Morgan, our sex life isn't any of your business," she stated simply.

Spencer felt his stomach churn at the sentence, if only because said sex life was, as of late, non-existent.

He and Y/N had made out a lot, sure, but the one time they did try having sex, he made it about ten seconds being inside of her before he finished, and since then he'd been kind of embarrassed about it. They only ever made out since then, because before it ever got that far he stopped it, nervous that he'd disappoint her.

And now his non-existent sex life was the topic of conversation, and if anyone picked up on it, he would have felt worse about the whole thing.

So, he didn't stop himself from speaking. "But if you must know, it's great."

Y/N's hand tensed up in his, and she looked over at him, shock marinating in her eyes. To anyone else it would have looked like she was surprised he'd even bring it up, but he knew she was most likely more curious to know why he'd lied about it.

Their friends laughed regardless, Elle adding a curious and joking, "Care to elaborate?"

Ready to change the subject, Spencer shook his head. "Nope."

"Yeah, actually I think we're gonna head out early," Y/N added. Spencer was suddenly worried he'd made her upset, but she rubbed gentle circles into his hand that reassured him everything was okay.

He got out of the booth and Y/N followed, as their friends grumbled.

"Oh, come on, we didn't mean to embarrass you guys," Derek said.

"No, that's not it," Y/N said as she threw on a light jacket. "You just reminded me how much I'd like to operate with my boyfriend since I haven't seen him in a few days, so we're leaving. Have a good night."

Spencer felt searing heat rise to his cheeks as he turned around and ushered Y/N out the door, accompanied by low whistles and claps from their friends.

***

The two of them were sitting on the couch now, Y/N having just set down a couple classes of water.

"Sorry if you wanted to stay," she said quietly, playing with her thumbs. "You know we don't... actually have to operate if you don't want, obviously, I was just looking for something to say..."

"Oh, Y/N, I know. Don't worry about it. Really, I... I was the one who even brought it up, I should have just let you handle it."

She looked up at him with a small smile. "Why.. did you bring it up anyway?"

"Well, I... I guess I just felt embarrassed. And I know what we do together isn't any of their business, but I was just... I really was thinking about how much I love you, and when Morgan brought it up, I felt like I wasn't... living up? To your expectations? I don't..." He sighed, unsure how to properly articulate how he was feeling. "I don't know. I just thought about the last time we tried having sex, and I felt embarrassed about it, that's all."

"Oh, honey," Y/N cooed, scooting closer to him and bringing her hand up to brush some of the hair from his face. "You know, you... don't have anything to prove, right? I know how much you love me, and you don't need to be having sex with me to show me, I hope you know that."

Still, he couldn't bring himself to look at her face. "I do," he choked out, pulling at the hem of his shirt. "I'm... I'm sorry."

Y/N's tongue clicked, and she leaned into him, wrapping one of her arms around his neck and placing the other across his lap. She held him tight and kissed the side of his head. "Don't you ever be sorry, unless you cheat on me. Then there will be something to be sorry about."

He laughed at her joke, turning his head to brush his nose against hers. "I love you."

"I love you, too," she whispered, giving him the lightest of kisses on the lips.

When she pulled away, he leaned in again, kissing her a little harder, and she gladly reciprocated. With every passing second, all of his worries started to melt away like the snow to her sunshine. Within every kiss was an emanation of outpouring love and comfort that warmed his soul and gave him the confidence to try something bold.

His hands threaded through her hair as he drew her in closer, and instinctively, she climbed over his lap, resting her hands on his shoulders as he gently probed her mouth with his tongue. The sound of her sigh as she opened up to him and allowed him to fully explore her mouth with his made his stomach bubble and tense.

This would be about the time where he'd stop, telling Y/N that they should slow down, and she'd sweetly oblige and stay cuddled into his side as they drifted off to sleep.

But tonight he didn't want that.

Tonight he wanted more.

While one of his hands remained in her hair, gently massaging her scalp, the other snaked down to her lower back. He gently slid his fingers under the fabric of her shirt and pressed his palm flat against her, pulling her closer to him with a desperation that both shocked and excited her.

Deciding to test the waters, Y/N rolled her hips, feeling him jump slightly underneath her, followed by a whine that vibrated her mouth and sent a low hum of pressure through her stomach.

Still, she pulled away.

Well... She tried to.

When she pulled her face away from him, Spencer used the hand in her hair to bring her back, tilting his head in the other direction and continuing to kiss her with enough passion for the both of them. And it didn't help that the sound she made when he did it spurred him on. She whimpered loudly into his mouth, and the hand on her back involuntarily slid down to grab her ass.

"Hey," she managed to get out when he pulled away momentarily for air. "Hey, you don't... We don't have to really do this if you don't want. I—I don't want you to think that what happened earlier means we have to have sex."

"Y/N..." His hand gently kneaded her ass, and against her better judgement, she rolled her hips again, sighing out against his lips. "I don't want to put it off any longer... Really, I... I want to. I want to show you how much I love you."

She kissed him softly again, bringing both of her hands up to cradle his face. "You already do. Every day."

She was giving him an out, and Spencer appreciated it. But with the way his insides were practically melting away at her presence, he knew more than anything that this was what he wanted.

"I know," he said. "But if you don't mind, today I'd like to show you a little extra." And then he kissed her deeply again.

Her hands tightened on his face, right before they slid up and through his hair. She gently tugged at it, and he let out one of the most delicious sounds she'd ever heard. For future reference, she relished in that sound, in that feeling, and made a mental note to try it out some more when they got further along in their sexual path.

But tonight, she would let him call the shots. He was finally ready to try it again, and seeing how confident he grew in his touches and kisses when she submitted to him, it was the simplest decision.

So she remained on his lap until he made another move, encouraging him with whimpers and languid rolls of her hips against his. Her hands grew frenzied in his hair when he dipped his hand past the waistband of her jeans and underwear, sticking his fingers in only about a knuckle deep. The warmth of his hands against her bare skin sent shivers down her spine, which she let show by involuntarily grinding down on his lap.

Spencer groaned deeply more than whined this time, his grip on her hands gripping tighter to her backside. He forced himself to remove his mouth from hers long enough to breathe out, "Bedroom. Please."

As much as Y/N didn't want to get off of his lap, she knew that what waited for her in the bedroom would be worth the momentary loss of complete physical contact. So she peeled herself away from her boyfriend, grabbing him by the hand, and lead him to her bedroom.

Once the door was closed, he was on her again, caging her face between his large hands and capturing her lips in another heated kiss. They moved backwards until she hit her back against the door, and the second their movement stopped, Spencer used their standing position to press his full body weight into her, their legs tangling together.

Meanwhile, Y/N was trying to figure out where to put her hands. She wanted to brace them on his chest, but it was pressed tightly against hers. So they wandered over his back, but she couldn't decide whether to place them under his shirt or on his butt. Or maybe she wanted to grip his arms to feel the veins as they strained against his skin from holding her face. The possibilities were quite endless.

So endless that they were even surprising—Spencer noticed her wandering hands and promptly decided to place them where he wanted, which was apparently above her head. He removed his hands from her face and pinned her wrists to the door above her head, and she huffed a breath as he pulled away to speak.

"Is this okay? I wasn't too... too rough?"

The concern swimming in his lust-filled eyes drew a little whimper from her throat as she struggled to find the right words. But finally, she settled on, "That was so fucking hot..."

Relief flashed over his gaze right before he grinned. His fingers flexed against her wrists, and even though she couldn't see them, she could imagine how it looked. And it really was fucking hot.

Seeing the expression on her face, Spencer leaned forward again and kissed her one last time. Their lips moved together hungrily, dancing in perfect synchronization, the music being the frantic beating of their hearts.

And then he started to trail his kisses down her jaw and neck, keeping her hands firmly pinned to the door. Usually she was the one to explore his neck with her tongue and teeth, but this time he wanted to try it for himself. Mirroring what he'd felt her do to him hundreds of times over, he soaked in every single sound she made, from the little whimpers of pleasure to the soft, choked whispers of his name dancing over her lips. And when her hips canted forward, searching for any kind of friction, he decided to grant it to her.

As his kisses moved down along her collarbone, his hands gently slid down with him, over her arms and then down to the bottom of her shirt as he kneeled in front of her. He lifted the shirt slowly, each new inch of exposed skin being met with soft kisses until it reached her breasts. He reached up to palm them over her bra while he trailed his kisses downward again.

Even though she was wearing jeans, he pressed kisses to her legs anyway. She squirmed under his touch, and the feeling made his heart soar.

"Please, Spence," she huffed, bringing her hands down to lay overtop of his. She felt the tendons and veins in his hands as they squeezed her, and with everything she had, she tried not to beg him to use them in more interesting places. She wanted to let him take his time, to be a vessel for his exploration, but it was growing harder every second to be patient.

Thankfully he seemed to get what she was feeling, because his hands slid out from under her shirt and rested at her jeans. "Can I take these off?"

The fact that he even asked when she so clearly begged him to do it made her heart swell. "Please do," she chuckled, though it turned into a choked sigh when his fingers actually started undoing the button. And at the sound of her zipper going down, she could have come undone right there.

He pulled her jeans down slowly and helped her step out of them. And she thought maybe he'd take the next step and do the same with her underwear, but he opted to use his mouth instead.

With gentle kisses, he traced the hem of the fabric all the way to either side of her waist. And then he looked up at her with curious eyes and shifted his face, pressing his nose right up against where her clit would be. Her hands immediately went to his hair, but he grabbed her wrists again and laid them at her sides. "Do you want me to move this along?" His voice wasn't teasing as much as it was genuine curiosity.

Still, Y/N resisted the urge to tell him yes. "I—I want you to do whatever feels right. Tonight's... about you. What you want."

"Well, what I want is to make you feel good. So, again... Do you want me to move this along?"

Every time his lips moved, they brushed up against where she desperately wanted him. And it was killing her. So, she nodded vigorously. "Yes, please," she whispered.

And with that, Spencer released her hands and used his fingers to gently rub her over the fabric. The contact made her shiver visibly, and he took that as a good sign. So he wasted no more time and replaced his fingers with his tongue, fluttering his eyes closed at the taste of her. And he knew that once the thin fabric was gone it would be stronger, but even then he was thoroughly wrecked.

He kept lapping his tongue over her, feeling her panties get wetter with ever second, and he only finally removed them when she started grinding her hips closer to his face, desperate for more.

When he did finally bring his tongue to fully taste her for the first time, they both let out the filthiest sounds, months and months of build-up starting to come to a head. He tasted her like he would an ice cream cone, and for the first few moments his eyes remained closed, all his focus on this brand new sensation. But he wanted nothing more than to see her react to him. So he opened his eyes and continued his ministrations, pupils blowing wide at the sight of her above him.

She was panting, her mouth hung open and her tongue just barely peeking out over her bottom lip. Her eyes remained shut, though Spencer could tell she was struggling to open them. With a tentative flick of his tongue over her clit, he took notice of the little gasp she made, and he knew he'd found it. So he repeated his action, providing small kitten licks to her clit as she picked up her breathing and clenched her hands at her sides.

He picked up the pace then, taking note of every little thing that made her cry out or jump with pleasure until she was clutching his hair. He was sucking on her clit now, his middle finger gently sliding in and out of her when she spoke.

"Oh, fuck, keep doing that. I'm... I'm almost..."

He felt her tighten around his finger as she started careening off the edge, and he did his best to keep his eyes on her face, because it had practically been haunting him, wondering what it would be like to see her come undone at his mercy.

To say it was better than he could have ever dreamed was a severe understatement.

Y/N's head leaned back against the door, her chin jutted out so he could see the beautiful contours of her chin and neck. He saw her throat contract as she moaned out his name, saw her chest heave as she struggled to catch her breath, and best of all, he felt her flutter around his finger and mouth. And if that was high inducing, he couldn't wait to feel wat it would be like to replace them with something else.

The mere thought had him trembling.

He pulled back when she huffed out an over-stimulated, "Okay, please, please stop, oh..."

Though it could just as easily have been a painful sentiment, the hungry, dazed look in her eye suggested otherwise.

Spencer stood up and brought his finger to his mouth, still caught up in her taste before she ripped his wrist away and kissed him, threading her fingers through his hair and moaning into his mouth.

Before he could get lost in it, though, she pulled away and nodded. "Okay. I think you're wearing too many clothes."

He tilted his head down in a little flush, and with the help of Y/N, his shirt peeled away from his body and joined her pants and underwear on the floor.

Y/N mirrored his actions, kissing gently down his jaw, neck, and then down his torso. Her hands wandered his bare back as she sunk to her knees. But when her hands moved to his belt, he stopped her.

"W—wait."

She peeled her hands away and looked up at him. "Are you okay? Do you want to slow down?"

He visibly swallowed, and she could read that look on his face that he got whenever he was embarrassed to tell her something. "N—no, I... I want... the opposite, actually."

"I don't follow..."

"Well, I know that... if you return the favor, I won't last very long, a—and I... I don't want to wait anymore."

Y/N smiled, standing again and bringing her hands to rest on his shoulders. "So you're saying you... want me to move this along?"

Spencer smiled at her recollection of his words. "Yes, please."

They travelled to the bed then, Y/N taking off her shirt and bra when they got there, and leaving her completely bare to him. She sat down and reached for his belt, looking up at him as he stood.

"I'm clean and on birth control, do you still want to use a condom? I have some in my table drawer."

He thought about it for a moment before shaking his head. "As long as you're sure."

Y/N undid his belt quickly and threw it to the side, making work of his button and zipper with a smile. "Oh I'm so sure..."

The way she said it made his dick twitch, images running through his mind of how it would look seeing her filled and dripping with—

Her hand was palming him through his underwear now, and it was all he could think about. He had already been hard before, but now it was tilting on the precipice of painful pleasure. So he stopped her, taking a deep breath.

"Lay down?"

"However you want me," Y/N answered, positioning herself on the bed so she was leaning back, her head nicely laid out on the pillows.

Spencer swallowed and removed his underwear before climbing on the bed and kneeling over her. Her legs were already wide, feet flat on either side of him as he positioned himself and got ready.

She reached out and gently grabbed his forearm, a gentle smile on her face. "You ready?"

"Mhm," he answered with a curt nod, bringing himself forward to run the head of his dick through her wetness. They both sighed at the feeling, and Spencer knew he was in trouble.

It was finally happening, he was getting another chance to have sex with her, and if he didn't last long again, he was going to—

"I love you," Y/N said reassuringly, rubbing circles into the hand that rested on the inside of her thigh.

He looked into her eyes and saw that love radiating from them. It warmed his insides and gave him the confidence he needed to finally, slowly push into her as he whispered, "I love you, too."

Once he was fully sheathed inside her, he let out a large breath, leaning down to brace his arms on either side of her head. The pressure of her clenched around him was overwhelming in the best way possible, and he never wanted to move.

But he had to.

She stroked his hair, pressing soft kisses all over his face, and whispered, "I love you."

With those three words, Spencer had the courage to pull back and then forward again, testing the waters and more accurately, his limits. He picked up a slow pace that burned him from the inside out, every muscle and vein in his body on fire with the knowledge that he was finally, properly making love to the woman he was pretty sure he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

But he was holding back. Y/N could tell. He glided through her with ease, sure, but his eyes were squeezed shut like he was concentrating, like he was pacing himself and trying to hold on to this feeling.

She moved her hands down to his back and lightly ran her fingernails over the skin, feeling him tremble under her touch.

"You feel so good, Spence," she whispered. "So perfect for me..."

The words made his hips stutter just a little, and Y/N knew then what the hesitation was.

He wanted to go faster.

So she moved her fingers lower, cupping his ass and scratching featherlight circles into the skin as she moaned. "You like when I talk to you, baby? Does hearing my voice help you out?"

Spencer choked out a groan as he opened his eyes and saw how feral she looked. Her pupils were blown wide, her mouth was pouted cutely, and she smiled as soon as she saw him bite his lip.

"You wanna go faster?" she cooed, digging her fingernails a little harder into the flesh of his ass. "Hmm?"

"F—fuck, Y/N... I..."

"You fuck me however you need to, baby. Don't hold back. Just let it all out."

He groaned out then, his hips picking up speed. She felt the relief and the tension rolling off his body as he finally gave into his urges, and it was just about the sexiest thing she'd ever witnessed.

"That's it, baby... Don't stop... Give it to me, let me feel you..."

He leaned down and kissed her then, pumping into her harder and harder with every second. She moaned out against his mouth, swallowing all his breaths and grunts. Meanwhile her fingers gripped his ass harder, relishing in the feeling of his muscles as they aided in fucking her.

His mouth pulled away as he shoved his face into her neck, and she sighed. "You're doing so good, baby. Fuck... " His hips kept moving, and she clenched around him hard, hoping to gauge his reaction.

Sure enough, he groaned against her neck and canted his hips harder. Every thrust forward now was so deep he hit her g-spot, and the sensation made her sigh with a smile. "That's fucking right, baby... Just like that, don't stop, don't stop. You fe—el so... ohhh."

Her words lit this fire in him that was impossible to put out. His body was hers for the taking, and so he'd give her everything he had. Which is why he picked up the pace and fucked into her as hard as he could, dangerously close to finishing.

"Fuck, Spence, I'm gonna... —na..."

Y/n's moans turned into a quiet scream as she came, clenching tightly around his dick and digging her fingernails into his ass. Her eyes squeezed shut with the swirling patterns of fireworks exploding behind them, meanwhile he twitched inside of her and lost it at last. As she came down, she helped him hold himself there, deep inside her as his cum spilled over in warm increments. They both moaned out at the feeling, all their tension easing and dissipating.

By the end, all that was left between the both of them was a thin sheen of sweat and murmured promises of "I love you."

They could have fallen asleep right there. Y/N's hands slid up his backside, over his arms, and then to the back of his head, combing gently through his disheveled hair as he pressed loving kisses to the patch of skin where her neck met her collarbone. He was still inside her, unwilling to leave the warmth she provided, and she did nothing to object.

"How are you feeling?" she finally asked, opening her eyes.

Spencer tilted his head up to look at her, his heart once again swelling at the adoring look in her eyes. "I'm great."

She laughed, and he laughed with her. And they were silent for a few moments before he spoke again.

"So, uh... What we just did is what we're counting as our real first time together, right? Like, the other time doesn't count?"

Y/N laughed again, pressing a kiss to his forehead. "If you want to count this as our first time, then yes. I'd be more than happy to agree with you."

"Good. This was much better."

Even though she would never hold their first first time together against him, she was inclined to agree.

PERMANENT TAGLIST: @elldell1204 @muffin-cup @calm-and-doctor @slutforthegubes @s1utformgg @rainsong01 @yourmisosoup @liveloudwriteloud

TAGS NOT WORKING: @takeyourleap-of-faith @emilyprentisslittlewhore

If you would like to be added to the taglist, feel free to message me or leave a comment, and I’ll add you!

#mercy 1k celebration #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid smut #criminal minds #spencer reid #spencer reid x reader smut

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foryouthegays · 4 years ago

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Nothing goes wrong. [Dream SMP] liveblog

ok im not gonna say anythin abt before 20 mins in bc its p standard but i will say that as SOON as phil messages techno chat spams blood for the blood god and it barely stops the entire time, its incredible

kills: 00:37:25, 00:37:40, 00:55:20

i LOVE his ‘if theres no other way, I CHOOSE BLOOD’ line at 00:37:00. its just,,,,,it shows his new justice system where he treats others how they treat him even before he makes that speech i love it so much. also he spams potions like how he does in skywars and it makes me happy. honestly a lot of this stream reminds me of skywars like how he went through quackitys stuff and ran nd stuff. maybe ive been watchin too much techno skywars

also durin that first fight, techno only looses half a heart. against FOUR PEOPLE hes too powerful

does techno saying “bs” count as swearing (00:39:40)

techno insultin his kidnappers is the funniest thing to me like hes outnumbered outgeared and he still makes fun of them and theyre still scared of him asdjkfsdalkfj

00:55:00 I HAVE A PICKAXE, AND I’LL PUT IT THROUGH YOUR TEETH i need some fanart of that right now wljdflkasjf also durin that fight techno looses 2.5 hearts at the end. in iron armor. against a diamond axe. using a netherite pickaxe. with a bad fov. why is he like this.

techno on his horse by the ocean gives me big ‘beating minecraft with tnt falling on me every 10 seconds’ or w/ever vibes. if u havent watched that stream, u should, its great, he has a horse named rocket w diamond horse armor and i love him.

just realized my head hurt bc i was clenchin my jaws so much. whoops

techno literally has a boat in his inventory when hes like “theres a boat!!!! :D” skdfjlksajf (01:02:20)

the whole raccoon innit thing starts at 01:08:20 btw :)

techno gettin distracted w the skeletons killin each other is so funny to me hfdgksal (a min or so after raccoon innit happens)

01:09:45 tommys scream is so funny to me can someone find how many hearts he looses from that bc i am crying ghfdjksla

i think techno has the alphabet memorized. not like, the alphabet song, but like he knows what letter are around each letter without going through the alphabet and idk why but it makes me laugh. i think this bc at 01:16:11 tommys like ‘what, f?’ and techno says, not a second later, ‘no. close to that, though.’ and that is NOT enough time to go through nd find f in the alphabet nd then find where e is compared to it. therefore, he is a nerd. also i love him

01:20:00 this is everything to technoblade: Phil, Carl, and then his items.

im so gay for technos yelling voice. like. hhgnng he

“if we’re being serious, for a millisecond, dickhead,” :LDSFJLKSDJ I LOVE TOMMY 01:22:25

technos ‘join me.’ at 01:23:25 is SO GOOD AHHHHHHHH

vault/welcome home theseus is at 01:27:10 :D i might start calling it theseus’ vault bc that sounds cool to me

ALRIGHT so in the vault techno has 167 skulls on display. thats 56. withers. they r gonna cause SO much chaos i love it. AND thats probably not all of them ahhHHH I LOVE TECHNOBLADE SO MUCH. LMANBURG IS SO SCREWED A;LDKJFALK

also thats only if i did my math right a;lksdfjaslk

i have decided that the best trio is techno, tommy, and ranboo. they all just jump all over the place with topics and i thin the convo at 01:56:25 shows it p well

Tommy: Technoblade, why havent you face revealed yet?

techno: I-I have

Tommy: well, answered that quick

ranboo: *laughs* that answers that question

techno: that was resolved really easily!

tommy: why don’t you do it again?

techno:....what would be the point?

ranboo: yeah, what would be the point??

tommy: because then it would be like -stutters- it would be, you know, easy, good video because there’s so many people who dont know what you look like

techno: ehhhh ill find a good moment at some point

tommy: you could face reveal with me, bro!! we could face reveal together!

techno: ahhh finally, we’ll know what tommyinnit looks like

ranboo: -laughing- thank god! that was one of the unsolved mysteries of the world

techno: unsolved mysteries of minecraft, what does tommyinnit look like

ranboo: what does tommy actually look like?

tommy: hey! speakin of unsolved mysteries, lets talk- lets talk psychology. what- what would be- you know, not the worst one you know, but just the worst word?

ranboo: I’m going to- I- if i hear this question one more time i’m going- i dont know what im going to do. i can’t do anything at this point

techno: ....cactus.

tommy: ????cactus???

ranboo: that is a bad word, i cant believe you said that,

tommy: -unintelligible- it is cacti, my friend, not cactusus

techno: I’m sorry

ranboo: how could you say that on stream?

techno: I’m sorry

tommy: it’s not cactusus, technoblade, its cacti

techno: i- i am aware

ranboo: you- you gotta stop sayin it.

tommy: cacti almost sounds like a terrible, terrible slur right now

techno: please, please stop saying that- please stop sayin that word

tommy: what, cacti?

ranboo: AHHHH cmon, cmon tommy

techno: you cant use that word!

tommy: AYYY IF I SAY IT OFF STREAM I CAN SAY IT ON STREAM

techno: WOAHHHHH WOAH WOAH -laughs-

ranboo: NO THATS NOT HOW ANY OF THIS WORKS

techno: thats just not how this works, tommy!!!

tommy: eyyy man im just me, im just me- OOOH i have a novel to write!

ranboo:....where did that come from???

tommy: HOW TO SEX 3 BABEYYYYY

techno: i thought you were already...done with that?

god theyre so chaotic i love them so much

also yall are WRONG abt eret soundin like techno. ranboo sounds like techno. not in like, a really big way, but when theyre both monotone they sound similar and i love it. this is great

this is actually the most ive laughed at the smp in so long PLEASE go watch the entire techno ranboo tommy interaction its so funny technos just *long, long sigh* ranboos just ???????? and tommys just !!!!!!!! its amazing im crying

technos such a dad to these kids oh my god his voice at 02:12:40 was so disappointed just ‘do not do that.’ he sounded like a parent on a trip to disneyland and his kids r like, hanging out the window of the car or smthing adjfaslkfkadsl techno :handshake: phil [being tommys dad] and also ranboo is bullying him its so funny i love it

AHHHHH HIS VOICE AT 02:20:35 I AM IN LOVE YALL HEAR THAT???? YALL HEAR HIM??????? AHHHHHH

“in the small event that your internet goes off or you get hit by a car,” TOMMY THAT IS NOT A SMALL EVENT WHA T 2:21:30

A;LSKDJFASL RANBOO AND TECHNO HAVE SUCH SIMILAR HUMOR I STG TECHNO LOOKED AT RANBOO WAITING FOR HIM TO SAY ‘enchant?? just a wild guess’ AT 02:23:00 A;DLKJFASLD;JF I LOVE THEM PLEASEEEE KEEP INTERACTING IK I WAS A RANBOO HATER LIKE A WEEK AGO BUT ALSO I WOULD DIE FOR HIM ITS FINE

this is so fuckin funny this end of stream stuff is gonna be a comfort stream

“what does the moon make you think about?” “it makes me think about the moon” ALSFJDSKJFDSL 2:32:10

techno makin fun of ranboos defense of bein peer pressured,,,,,,,m’dude that was the reason u killed tubbo how is that ANY different (2:33:50) (yes i know he mentions it but FHGJKSDL)

TECHNOSWEAR TECHNOSWEAR TECHNOSWEAR TECHNOSWEAR 2:35:25 HE SAY THE CRAP WORD

#stream post

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catspinach · 4 years ago

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list of ways i have made my life 1000x easier (as a mentally ill dumbass lmfao hi)

these are probably mostly very obvious and u might have a lot of them buuuuut these are recent accommodations for me and they made me able to function so i thought id share. i just bought a new used monitor on marketplace so thats what prompted this lol

nobodys gonna read this lmfao

2 trash cans in my bedroom! 1 by my bed for when I’m sitting in bed, 1 by my desk for when I’m working at my desk (optional 3rd near door just in case)- this stopped me from just throwing trash on my floor when I cant bring myself to pick my shit up lol

2 laundry baskets! one for worn clothes that aren’t quite dirty yet, one for dirty clothes (both of them easily accessible with no opening closet doors/barriers)- I’ve pretty much stopped throwing all my clothes on the floor and now i’m physically capable of doing my laundry

an extra monitor! I have a larger monitor I just hooked up to my laptop to use dual screens- I just did this and I’m super pumped!! very easy to set up and u can use basically any cheap monitor/tv/etc as long as u have the right cords. Now I can have my online textbooks on my larger monitor (to accommodate to my shit vision lol) while still having assignments open on my laptop. man i wish i did this sooner its rly baller, just for school this is super nice bc online textbooks are so much cheaper than paper but theyre just so fucking annoying to deal w switching tabs

beeper thing idfk. Key finder? stick that shit to your phone, keys, water bottle, remote, whatever u lose often, place the beepers part somewhere in plain sight where u wont touch it (like a hook by your door)- its literally impossible to lose my keys, i am never 20min late to work anymore due to desperately trying to find my gd keys

hooks by ur door! this ones obvious and common but i put hooks on my bedroom wall and put my glasses/beeper thing whatever/keys on it immediately as i enter my room- the beeper thing is mostly as a backup for my keys bc i rly have an issue with those but I haven’t lost my glasses in so fucking long!! easy/cheap 3M hooks 10/10 recommend

lamp!! already have a ceiling light? put a lamp in ur room too, directly next to ur bed- i would be too lazy to turn off my light before bed so id literally sit on my phone for fucking hours despite being exhausted. now i keep my ceiling light off in the evening and just turn on the lamp and I dont even have to get up its so nice ahhh

alarm clock! (not on your phone) keep it by your workspace, use the alarm for timing tasks- Once i touch my phone i cant get off of it, its really a problem. Also once i start a task i dont stop and thats also sometimes a problem if i have a ton of other shit to work on as well. set alarms to interrupt hyperfocusing on tasks without having to look at your phone and completely stop being productive

shower chair! i dont have one and I dont have a physical disability but i want one so fucking bad- sometimes standing in the shower is hard, especially after a long work day or if ur hungover lmfao. now u dont have to sit on the cold floor like a fucking goblin while u shower, plus it makes washing ur feet easier lol and if anything happens where u actually genuinely need it it’s right there!

a billion water bowls for your pets! of all sizes, just put them all over- ngl i kinda suck at remembering to refill my cats water, but one of them is bound to be filled at a given time. plus it like enriches them or smth bc they have ~options~

a bin for dishes! put that shit in ur bedroom and take it downstairs once a week or so- no more dishes scattered around every surface in ur room! theyre all conveniently in one spot for u to bring to your kitchen when the bin is full

more stuff that doesnt rly fit the format idk im getting tired:

dump the tea u let get cold/water/plant-safe beverages in ur plants soil and now they have ~nutrishune~ also then u can just put ur cup in the bin i mentioned earlier without liquid spilling everywhere and possibly molding

have incense- sometimes my room is smelly bc sometimes im smelly im sorry im disgusting but smoke masks up odors rly well so nobody notices haha epic pogs

get a text to speech extension for ur browser to make it easier to read articles and actually comprehend what ur reading

have a billion pillows. pillows are nice.

have several sets of bedsheets/pillow cases so u dont have to sleep on a bare mattress if u forget to do laundry lol- also if u have a period keep it dark/patterned, and if u have pets keep it a similar color to their shed so its less noticeable

man just buy disposable masks theyre so much easier if u have glasses, ik theyre not ideal for the environment but im not abt to suffer with foggy lenses all day. i take a mask or 2 to bring home every time i see free ones at store entrances so i dont even buy them. plus u dont have to wash them u can just chuck em after a few uses

basically what im getting at is don’t conform to societies standards of living if there's other options that work better for you

#long post #shut up roach #uhhhh idk what to tag this #life hacks #neurodivergent #tips #hmm #idk even if ur neurotypical these rly slap imo

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snifferz · 3 years ago

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// VERY BIG RANT, TW FOR PARENTAL ABUSE/TRAUMA, GASLIGHTING, FAKECLAIMING, SUICIDE ETC - PHOBOS (HOST)

regarding like being diagnosed and shit before anyone asks.

( like i dont want us to get fakeclaimed so this is pretty necessary, our alters have had really fucking upsetting reactions to it before and i really dont want repeats of shit from before. i doubt itll happen on here bc people are relatively nice, im just gonna put this here in case + in the scenario someone on another app bothers us, eg tiktok bc we got harassed by a fakeclaim account who caused three of our alters, including me, to go into panic. )

we literally cant lol. family issues, our parents are very much aware were mentally ill but refuse to let us get help for it + basically use it as a way to make us look bad/victimise themselves when shit goes wrong and thats it. we cant get a osdd or did or whatever we have diagnosis, i dont know what the fuck we have at this point and probably wont for a long while.

if someones still living with an abuser its really fucking hard to get help lmao.

people really need to be more sympathetic towards those who genuinely cant get diagnosed with did/osdd. were talking about those whove gone through severe fucking childhood trauma here, there is probably going to be something traumatic stopping them from getting help lmao. its not as easy as just getting help and shit when youre still living with abusers who refuse to let you even leave the house, make your own food or have your own credit card bc they dont trust you enough and demonise you to hell and back. we literally cant do anything nevermind get a fucking diagnosis for a disorder i myself am questioning if we even have, we cant talk to people, we cant go out, we cant make our own food, our mom still controls our routine, we cant clean or do basic chores, we cant buy our own clothes, we cant pay for anything ourselves, we cant take our money with us, we cant do anything without our moms permission, we have to abide by every little strict rule trying to judge whether or not our mom will let us off if shes in a bad mood or not, we cant even talk to ourselves or move about in our room, we dont even have our own privacy for fucks sake. do you really genuinely think were gonna get that diagnosis lmao. i have tried to call people and ive been screamed at, ive tried to ask other family members for help and ive gotten nothing because theyre too scared to do anything or water down our problems, ive tried running away, ive tried to almost kms and shit because i thought there was no way out, ive tried counselling and they watered down everything to us being trans rather than mentally struggling.

bro we literally got kicked out of our house for having a breakdown + then after two weeks passed our mum started accusing us of hearing voices and having random mental illnesses bc she literally only sees the possibility of us having a mental illness as something that explains defiance against her rather than a result of her own actions and the immense fucking trauma weve gone through. she notices the issues we have, points them out when she thinks were in the wrong to make us look like weve gone mad or something and need help, and then doesnt let us actually get help for them bc it was a throwaway thing to make us question ourselves lmao. its more gaslighty than actually recognising we need help.

so no. were not able to get a diagnosis. were living in an abusive household, it is literally impossible. dont bother us about it lol.

#tw vent #tw sui mention #tw fakeclaiming #im fucking tired man i dont know why i have to say this #we cant get diagnosed #sorry for ranting #tagging for safety #personal vent #vent #tw suicide #tw gaslighting #tw parental trauma

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inknose · 5 years ago

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mdzs read diary part IV, the end

It’s inspiring how much self care wwx is gonna finally get now that his husband will go along with whatever he does, so he’s gotta look out for lwj’s well being if not his own. that is emphatically the STUFF

dragging my hands down I face as I read this, after all these chapters of getting up close and personal with ghouls bleeding from every orifice, slaying ancient beasts, rebelling against the entire cultivation world, the two of them are absolutely paralyzed by middle school crush sleepover math

chicken

he actually drew kissy doodles .... he....

IDK I THINK I JUST DOCUMENTED THIS PART CUZ I WAS STILL SCREAMING you cant expect me to have very useful things to say at this point

this is torture you are both so mushy you are so GONE

This part really stood out to me, it’s an attitude I feel like wwx implies with his inner narration a few times but most clearly says here: he’s not one for allowing himself to exaggerate how bad his circumstances are/could be even a little bit - he’s already lived through some extreme low points and found a way to keep going, so he never makes sweeping statements about what he couldn’t live without (Inner JingYi: you’re supposed to say you’d be lost without him here!!!) Instead he seems to accept as a given that being alive doesn’t guarantee him any pleasantness or joy at all, and as a result his feelings toward being in TRUE LOVE are surprisingly pragmatic, but also colored with such gratitude. There are a lot of things in the novel that struck me, like this, as being just a little to the left of familiar tropes/sentiments, and were more touching for it. Whether it be the influence of culture difference as opposed to what I’m used to reading in most western romance stories, or MXTX’s unique outlook, or a combination of both, it was really refreshing and made me pause over it. Not “I can’t imagine living without you” but “I could be living without you, but instead I get to be with you and I think that’s the best thing that could happen.”

ADJFDKFJ THE UST BEING SO STRONG THAT EVEN THE VILLAIN COMMENTS ON IT IN THE MIDDLE OF EXECUTING HIS EVIL PLANS IS ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT WILL NEVER FAIL TO MAKE ME LAUGH MY ASS OFF. hes like god damn! here I thought I had problems

it was at this moment that I realized we were doing this Now... I’m still recovering. What a scene. I am so glad I saw the most incredible fanart soon afterwards, bc the fact that someone has already drawn a perfect comic of this part means I don’t have to

I love you so much, you are so annoying, you are perfect... I like how he’s been experiencing openly requited love for all of ten minutes but he’s already figured out how to weaponize it to piss people off

doing!!! his!!! job!!!!!

ahh... it’s a really good story. JGY is a great character. One of the most interesting differences for me between drama watching vs. novel reading experience is that without an actor to bat his vulnerable doe eyes at you and smile faintly with his cute dimples, the book does not go much out of its way to try to lull the reader into a false sense of security around him or *endear* him to you the way the show does. But just by seeing events through wei wuxian’s POV, its still enough to evoke pity or understanding towards him. The overall impression is a bit more detached though, there’s less emphasis on the spectacle of how he could manipulate everyone closest to him and more of a general feeling of resigned tragedy that everyones the worst on this bitch of an earth.

I CANNOT DEAL WITH YOU FOR EVEN ONE MORE SECOND!!!!

I clearly paused to take note of less and less parts at the end & the extras due to: a) too excited to reach the end b) too spicy to photograph and c) too sleepy cuz I kept reading in the middle of the night. but I absolutely took the time for Bro We Are Teens appreciation corner:

I’d absolutely read 40 more extra chapters of their monster-of-the-week field trip antics.

god... poor Jin Ling now basically has to deal with divorced parents that talk shit about each other to him whenever he is saying with one of them. except they are both his uncles. just a disasterhood of all uncles from start to finish. AUUUGH wei wuxian and jiang cheng have fucked me up completely, I dream of them reconciling but I also REFUSE to believe it would ever be easy. let me know if theres a fanfic that absolutely tortures you for decades before they hug

HAHAHA oh no this man ain’t making it to immortality thats for damn sure. HE’S JUST GONNA TRY AS HARD AS HE CAN HIS WHOLE LIFE NOT TO LOOK AT HIM BUT THEYRE *MARRIED* SDLKFJSF ohhhh it’s too funny, like... the mundane domestic family drama IN the fantastical swords and sorcery setting is what really ratchets up these things from amusing to fucking hilarious I think

aaaa the end... final random thoughts? No not final, I would like to please keep discussing at length and exhaustively, all the time please - CQL has gotta be one of the best TV adaptations I’ve seen. ANY adaptation of anything would be lucky to be so good!! reading the novel has just made me appreciate it even more.

- I don’t think I can do justice to what I find most fascinating about comparing the two versions briefly, to do that I need to get drunk and ramble at my friends for hours but... the condensed version is something like this. Really all the significant differences between the two versions (besides the ones which can be attributed to censorship and therefore aren’t worth discussing) are a side effect of the structure of how the story is told - there’s barely anything changed arbitrarily. Aside from having a cold opening, the drama sticks to a very linear version of the story, and I think for a TV show or film, that’s probably the best way to do it. We see everything, we get shocked and tricked and betrayed and surprised along with the characters, we feel the biggest impact at the climactic scenes having experienced all the build-up. The novel on the other hand is not only much more non-linear in WHEN we learn bits and pieces of information, but that information is also obfuscated under wei wuxian’s multiple layers of Unreliable Narratoritis, which are as follows: 1) difficulty remembering things because of personality/avoiding painful memories/actual memory loss, 2) No Homo Goggles still on, and 3) a wry sense of humor that makes the reader unsure of how much they can trust his attitude toward things, especially near the beginning. The experience of reading is a puzzle the reader has to mentally piece together through all of the above listed camouflage, and the puzzle itself is a three-sided mystery: One - How Bad of a guy was Wei WuXian really, and how exactly did all the bad stuff in his life go down; Two - wangxian epic pride & prejudice gambits; Three - political murder mystery. (I love stories like this btw... though I fully admit I’m glad I watched first this time bc it might have taken me a long time to tackle otherwise.) Because of this, where the drama wants to pull you in and submerge you in all the most potent emotional parts, the novel in direct contrast deliberately side-steps around these things and asks that you hurt yourself by filling in the blanks. In fact the more intense emotions and painful memories involved, whether it be his relationship with jiang yanli, his DEATH, the darkest days of war times etc, the more the novel evasively withholds details. I actually really like both styles of storytelling but each one is obviously way better suited to its medium. ANYWAY.... THATS BASICALLY WHERE MY BRAINS AT WHILE IM READING GAY SWORD WIZARD BOOKS

- The extras are so saturated with domestic married bliss that it’s a good thing I stopped taking pictures because I’d just take a picture of every page. this is too much for me to take... I did jump the gun a few times and read a few fanfics while I was still mid-read of the book (I tried to hold out but alas I am mortal) and at one point after finishing I was like “wow what fic was it in where lwj says something cute and wwx kisses him in public but they’re in the corner of the restaurant so no one really sees... OH NO WAIT that was actually in there.” and ... and that’s the LEAST OF IT... *stares into the distance* theyre married wow

- I ofc couldn’t help but see a few vague blogs beforehand so honestly I was braced for something like, wildly ooc for the sake of porn to happen in the extras... I definitely appreciate how the incense burner porn interludes could be uhhh a lot for many people and not my personal cup of tea in terms of smut however [here follows the words of a poisonous frog who has dwelt her whole life in the rainforests of BL] the concept is also surprisingly SWEET SDFLKJF like wwx sees lan wangji’s darkest mixed-up violent teenage fantasies and he’s just like aww babe you had a crush on me!! just... good for them

- I swear I’m not gonna rehash every cute married thing they do but wei wuxian grading papers in the tub........................rEALLY GOT ME

- I want to Draw - ok thats enough if I keep going I’ll just write “wei wuxian grading papers in the tub” seven more times probably

#mdzs readthru #this obviously has many spoilers

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tintinwrites · 4 years ago

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congrats on the milestone🥺🥺 u rly deserve it im always rereading ur work!! it is constantly on my mind. so..... idk if ur still doing ships but i did NOT want 2 miss out on the opportunity so here i am? if im too late please do not feel pressured 2 reply but if theyre still open , can it please be for a pedro character? i am very sunshine-y, all i ever intend 2 come across as is appreciative, soft and compassionate. im a v small person, but i do a lot of sports esp baseball and dance, so im surprisingly strong and flexible for what u would expect if that makes sense? im vv easy 2 please and i get excited very often, my favourite things 2 do are probably just . okay im p sure this sounds stupid but communicate??? i could talk for HOURS(i speak spanish and english), or i also like 2 do stupid dances 2 headphone music or make things. i love love love 2 create things for ppl, i cook basically every day and bake several times a week which results in a constantly full fridge of meals and snacks - i have some cookies, brownies, magdalenas and croissants that im gonna try 2 share out in the next week. i also like making clothes, im a fashion student which has made me resilient and patient 2 the point of delusion , sometimes i know i rly should just give some things up but im too stubborn when it comes 2 what i think i should be capable of. mostly though my heart is just so full of love and i want somebody 2 give it 2!!!!!! thank u so much for this, and for all ur other works . theyre my treat when im working im like "just gotta finish this just gotta finish this then i can go read" . u are of great comfort and help 2 me🥺🥺

I ship you with...

Ezra

He is honestly going to call you sunshine. He’s seen a lot of sketchy people in his day, so your genuine appreciation, softness, and compassion enamors him so. He likes that you’re small yet can also handle yourself thanks to the athletic things you’ve done. He likes pleasing you so it’s nice that it’s easy for him to do! You've found the perfect person if you love talking, he’ll go on with you and ask you so many questions! He loves watching you do ‘stupid’ dances and he is happy to eat ANYTHING you cook or bake with many compliments for you. Your resilience and patience is inspiring to him (and helps him out with his work!) and he thinks your eye for fashion is incredible. He knows you’re capable and doesn’t think you should give anything up and will support everything as long as you are still taking care of yourself. He will take your love very happily!!

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rqs902 · 4 years ago

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IS THAT WHO I THINK IT IS

ITS MY BOY ENYU!!!! ON THE FRONT PAGE???? okay also a big deal for zhaohao and li hao too!!!

ok now into part 2 of the ep

interesting that they focused on junhao for everybody. can understand he probably has the most different and struggle experience so probably more interesting for dramas sake lol im surprised they dont spend more time on shengen, considering his popularity.

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA JUNHAO FREAKING OUT over the fact that they only learned the dance for 40 mins. LOL thats the level of tyger + kou cong + shengen, i can imagine the struggle of the yang guang nan hai group in comparison AHAHA i just imagine him running down the hall freaking out like HOW DID THEY LEARN THE DANCE IN JUST ONE CLASS WHAT ARE THESE PEOPLE

lollll “theyre all dachang boys” “theyre all zhang yixing’s students” HAHAHAH you know even though he is slightly struggling compared to the rest, he aint bad and theyre all taking it light hearted with laughter so seems like a good learning environment! and he’s confident he’ll get it LOL thats good! i think thats what makes him so amusing

HAHAHA i love how lin mo just keeps giggling at junhao like he genuinely just finds him so amusing LOL yay for making new friends

awww bc junhao’s always been a leader i feel like for him to finally feel like hes being taken care of is so nice. i have absolute confidence that this group will treat him kindly. AW HE CALLED HIM MOMO

im still disappointed they have YET to show zhan yu’s funny/strange personality and this wouldve been a great opportunity bc hes surrounded by friends he’s comfortable with!! like his friendship with kou cong! or akey and lin mo! but sigh...

THEY PUT ZHAN YU IN THE FRONT FOR THE SEXUAL LINE HAHAHHA PERFECT BUT I SEE LIN MO BEING ONE OF THE ONLY ONES NOT SHOWING HIS ABS HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA

wow the lyrics are so fitting for lin mo to scream LOL but also ay his vocals?! aw im glad they put in a little rap for shengen and akey! honestly was kinda hoping for more bc they havent had a proper stage together before and i feel like itd be awesome but also junhao and zhan yu vocalization at the end was on point!!

lol all the kids being like zhang pd’s words are so detailed and professional... sigh theyve been missing out until now

im glad they really pointed out how each member of this team did well! they really all did a great job with each of their parts, and they each got a little part to shine, and when put together, it was a complete performance. im proud of them and happy for them!

aw.... i feel like we’ve been waiting so long to hear lin mo get complimented.... i feel like it’s been since qcyn namanana that we’ve been waiting for him to redeem himself and climb back up to the peak. ugh its been nearly a year and a half. im just so terrified of whats gonna happen next bc im way too skeptical at this point to expect this high to continue, esp with what happened after namanana last time......... but for now, im happy. relieved hes finally getting the recognition he deserves and im happy that hes happy. lol i was also half scared we were gonna get spirit of the knight-ed again with his pink hair (nightmare flashbacks to lin mo and changxi’s deletion from that perf) i dont think ill ever get over that :( i feel like as a lin mo stan, ive been trained to not keep my hopes up and to prepare for the worst bc hes the type of person who just always gets the short end of the stick, it feels like.

aw the part when they go back to the waiting room and jin fan is waiting for them with an encouraging smile and the whole exchange of "帥的真的帥的" "哇~可以吧" "我沒想到" "那必須的" our leader did them proud :’)

ugh the part where luo jie calls them and tells them he can’t come back........ heart breaking. i can see why lin ran and xikan would be really affected. lin ran has been luo jie’s go-to since he left and knowing how their usual friendship involves making fun of one another and jokingly complaining about each other, it hits hard when lin ran says he cried his eyes out. it hurts that they didnt get to share the stage again before he left. xikan may not have shared the stage with luo jie during ip, but hes known him since then and has been with him through both rounds here. it interesting bc i feel like the namanana perf was very light hearted on qcyn but i cant see that happening here, esp with their outfits?

aw shiwei and chaowen taking charge to raise their spirits :’)

lin ran’s voice fits so well with this song wow! i really like his lines! also lol i didnt know xikan would have abs but okay and tbh im always hesitant about dances with props bc it always is so easy to look messy..... like every slight difference in angle in the way you hold your arms is immediately magnified

and like sxl’s fan is obviously broken and having performed fan dances myself i know that that’s like the most annoying thing to happen on stage, and can be really difficult to deal with, even tho it happens ALL THE TIME with those types of fans ugh :(

i mean its super kind of them to leave luo jie’s space empty for him, but its kinda weird to have parts of the audio missing sadly :( and also chaowen’s voice did something weird in the middle there, like its sounds weirdly weak

wait didnt yixing tell them to close the fan? but they didnt?

xikan’s facial expressions are perfecttt, good for him! wish they gave more screen time to shiwei during shiwei’s lines lol... but also i cant help but hear lin mo’s voice during that part LOL ugh speaking of which i miss that team dynamic namanana team a on qcyn HAHAHAH hwx being a brat and fjj running around wild and lin mo giving up on them all just laughing like idiots for hours on end while bo yuan just judges them from a corner LOL i love the beginning of the wenxuan and lin mo friendship good times :’)

HAHAH ENYU AGAIN WITH THE REALEST COMMENTS - i agree AHHAHAH i love these kids too but there was something off about this stage

im surprised but also not surprised by what the judges are saying

o didnt realize sxl was supposed to be center but i guess that explains the big puffy thing on his shoulder lol.......... agree with cx tho, even without his broken fan, i think the fans made them look worse bc it just looked messy

well idk if we’re getting all the stages today but at least jin fan’s is also getting aired! TYGER HUG FOR JIN FAN YESS

jin fan teaching them dance? yes thank you for showing us he is a good dancer. oof jin fan’s just too nice :( hes trying to avoid conflict too much that it caused conflict smh......... lol oscar trying to talk to su er hes having such struggle i feel that bro LOL hes doing really well though, tbh being relatively young, hes really trying his best and is being reasonable.

LOL HE CALLED HIM JIN FAN GE i forgot jin fan is considered old lol..... jin fan really taking the higher road here and im glad they sat together and talked it out a bit

THE JIN FAN VOICE YESSSS hahahhaha kou cong holding the tyger sign!!

oo is that some of his bel canto-style singing coming through LOL

AY NICE for hong weihao and oscar to put in some rap

some of those high notes were a bit questionable at the end but okay jin fan is really claiming that vocal + dance teacher role i see.... interesting

but agree with yixing that he doesnt need to force himself to do high notes bc his voice is so nice regardless!! yay for oscar getting recognition! im still waiting for jin fan to do a cool dance performance sigh

wasnt expecting an enyu feature BUT ILL TAKE IT

oof huang enyu saying hes really trying to put himself out there by going for leader and the realest comment that he hasnt considered getting to debut he just wants to pass this round oof and he feels like his opportunities may be cut short bc hes getting old oof

enyu and chenxu crying watching the movie

AW THEIR HAHA VIDEOS ARE THE CUTEST THING I LOVE THESE KIDSSS so sad that so many of them are at risk of elimination :( im glad these vocals made their own friend group! I hope itll be a memory they carry forward. they do all have shared experiences as vocals on this show.

this reaction to junrong’s voice

same tho :’) but actually all of their voices are so so nice like actually these 5 are all people whose voices ive really listened for on this show, but wow renyu’s voice in particular like really ugh just sounds so pure

also enyu looks really nice in this performance but thats a side note okay moving on

i mean literally these reactions

and li hao crying while singing and so many kids in the waiting room crying while watching OOF this perf has got me emotional

HAHAHHAHA THEIR INTROS HAHAHHA

UGH ENYU his plea just.... the way he yelled it bc it mustve taken courage and it mustve been a frustration on his mind for a while now and bc maybe he wouldve broken down if he hadnt yelled it out but im really crying now.... and its so out of character for him that you know he really really is feeling desperate and feels the need to speak out

lol wait gjm posted on weibo about him? is that why hes getting more attention lol..........

i really hope the vocals win :(

no tygers in the next ep preview? hmmMMMMMmm okay

well also interesting that they put the other 4 perfs with the elims...... seems sketch but at least most of my kids got to go this week ahhhhhh i feel bad for the other groups already. esp the ones with the kids who arent as popular...

#rants

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wincnas · 5 years ago

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i’m probably gonna regret this but im a slut for diana silvers so... anyways her pinterest is here!!

(DIANA SILVERS, CISFEMALE) - Have you seen SAGE BELMONT? SAGE is in HER SOPHOMORE year. The DRAMA MAJOR is 20 years old & is a VIRGO. People say SHE is CLEVER, GREGARIOUS, IMPETUOUS and OBSESSIVE Rumors say they’re a member of HASTINGS. I heard from the gossip blog that HER MOTHER HAS BEEN EMBEZZLING MONEY FROM HER PRODUCTION COMPANY, AND SAGE HAS BEEN HELPING. (OLIVE. 23. EST. SHE.HER.)

Wild little party goblin who just wants to make sure everyone has water and has a good time

She’s part Noora form SKAM and part Cassie Ainsworth from Skins

She grew up in Westchester County outside of NYC. Her dad is a playwright and her mom owned a television in NYC

Her dad’s plays stopped selling/being shown when she was a little kid and he never got out of his artistic slump. As Sage’s mom became more and more successful, her dad fell into drinking and cheating on her with cocktail waitresses who he impressed with tales of his Broadway connections

While her dad was a drunk who couldn’t remember her name most days, Sage’s mom was the controlling, hyper-vigilant stage mom like Trish walker’s in Jessica Jones

She put in figure skating by the time she could walk and age was fully expected to make the Olympic team by the time she was 15

Sage was the picture perfect kid to take around New York society to her mom’s events. Sage actually liked getting to attend all the galas, dinner parties, etc that her father wasn’t invited to anymore. She was fawned over and admire, the perfect society girl with the perfect mother

When Sage started growing, she suddenly wasn’t good enough for her mother’s taste. Her mother tweezed her, dyed her hair, brought her to tanning and teeth whitening appointments

Things started getting progressively worse and worse. As the pressure at her mom’s job got greater, Felicity Belmont started giving more attention to her daughter. She’s wake her up at 3 AM in the middle of winter to do pushups in the snow. She’d forced her daughter to throw up after finding out she had eaten pizza.

Sage’s mother was eventually diagnosed with bipolar disorder and checked into treatment for a month. She came back as if nothing had ever happened

It finally all stopped when Sage had a fall on the ice and shattered her knee. She couldn’t skate anymore and finally she was free from her mother’s obsessive thoughts about skating

So when she was 16, she had a year off from any pressure as her mother set her sights on expanding the business. Her dad would drive her into the city on weekends and drop her off on his way to see one of his mistresses

She spent her nights frequenting bars alone and started to make friends with the other underaged club kids with fake id’s. She also started to explore her bisexuality at this time, hanging out in gay bars and flirting with girls

It was absolute heaven. She’s drink and experiment, then crash on a friend’s couch before she had to head back to the suburbs, back to her private school and her gated community and the bubblewrap

But then, her paradise came to and end when her mother found a new obsession for her: pageants.

With her mom’s new medication, she no longer flew into the manic episodes where she abused Sage, but she did still obsess over her appearance. Sage developed an eating disorder at the time, and only got treatment when she passed out on stage from not eating

Her mother spun her disorder into the perfect platform for a pageant girl to promote in her interview questions: body positivity. Sage ended up winning Miss New York at age 18 and held the title for her first year of college at Yates University

Of course when she got to Yates, the only society she ever considered an invitation form was Hastings. An overachiever, this place is perfect for her

PERSONALITY:

Um I said overacheiver right? Rory Gilmore’s got nothing on this girl

A bit dreamy and constantly has her head in the clouds

Does tarot readings out of her dorm room and believes the Hastings Library is haunted. A bich for the occult

KINDHEARTED!!

GULLIBLE!!!

Um a big ho? Yep jot that down. Will sleep with anyone and tends to get overattached. Um she kinds of trolls tinder for random hookups and probably has sex nearly every night

Wants to be an actress and thinks shes the next Amy Adams

Loves wearing boxers shorts, novelty sunglasses, 70′s style go-go boots, and vintage nightgowns she’s cut up into mini dresses

WANTED CONNECTIONS:

ummm give me a friend from her pageant days?? kids she met up with to party in new york?? or oooh give me some native new yorkers who thought she was just a princess from the suburbs. um give me all the exes? exes that ended on bad terms, a fling that only lasted for a week, an ex she’s still super close with and people think theyre dating. hookups of COURSE, um friends she parties with and does all the drugs with?? enemies for days, she’s easy to hate. literally ANYTHING. OR give me someone who’s dating sage just bc they’re trying to act or write for tv and they think she can help them

#abuse tw #neglect tw #mental illness tw

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umbillicalnoose · 5 years ago

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i think that you would think im pretty and would like my poetry and i want to share it with you. im shy.

to be honest, im very apathetic these days. im not the nice “cutesy baby flower petal boy” i used to be. a lot has happened & im bitter & sullen & all in all, a pretty shitty friend/person to know. i used to possess some redeeming qualities, believe it or not, even if they were construed by the subconscious in an attempt to be likeable - a facade, even tho its only a facade, is still tangible, still there, is still something, even if not authentic. is poorer character forgivable in the name of presenting more authentically? but nah. that makes it sound like im putting effort into being a better person, which im not. im just sort of fried & done. its been a very long time since i played the role i built for myself on here of the “small fawn boy who wants to help girls” lmaooo. how embarrassing. altho, i was just a kid, & i guess, if you had a tumblr as a teenager, you went thru some cringe (i know the use of that word has fallen in on itself & adopted its own definition but for lack of a better one) ass phases, whether it was kinning or malingering mental illness or oh fucking christ, all that gender bullshit, etc etc. from what ive observed, tho, loosely following kids im still casually friends with that i met on here, i think we’ve all managed to Grow The Fuck Up, at least a little. most of us have jobs or r in school or have partners - growing up & moving on is a very surreal experience to watch/go thru. im moving at my own pace & ive accepted that - im still currently using & starving myself & concocting a suicide plan every day but at least i use clean needles as much as possible, i actively & honestly do strive for the bare minimum calorically, & um able to work with the mentality of “well ill have this when i need it but todays not that day” a lot more readily, in relation to suicide shit. ive finally found a therapist who Really Gets It, is a frontrunner internationally on ritual & extreme abuse & mind control. its pretty incredible what a few years with a good therapist can do. anyways. im sorry, i know you didnt ask for all this & im not even sure why i divulged. i guess, what tipped me off, was your attempt at sounsing “cute” - dude, cut that shit out, i promise youll be a lot better off. & i know everyone interchanges aspects of their personality based on who theyre talking to/who they percieve themselves to be talking to, but i feel like not a lot of people give enough credence to the internet & its hand in shaping/molding young people, kids, vulnerable dumbasses, especially tumblr (tho, i get that its a relatively new phenomenon) - u get a bunch of the “weird”, “alternative”, ““ostracized” kids together on a website, of course its gonna nurture a culture of hypervalidatoon & pretending to be sick in order to fit in to the point that its not an act anymore & exacerbation of symptoms & basically, just sucking each others dicks, sitting in ur own shit, & never ending coddling. & then, you have the older group of kids, who have played this game before but instead of helping or ignoring the Dumbshit kids, they indulge their own normally-buried-but-unleashed-by-internet-anonymity sadism/human instinct to just be fucking dicks & so now you have this vicious cycle of anger & hatred & fucking melodrama up the urethra. im sorry, i know im comig off as/am being harsh but god fuckin dammit yknow? also, this isnt directed at you, specifically, more of a generalized thing, @ myself included. so uh. i mean, if u still wanna share it with me after reading all this, id be happy to read ur poetry. i used to be over the top nice & then reverted to Major Asshole & am now trying to find that sweet middle spot - honoring & allowing myself to share my pain without putting it on others. which is really hard!! cuz becoming a Dick was difficult in that it forced me to be more honest with my true self & as such, more vulnerable - now in trying to become Kinda Nice again because despite being a pulsating scrotom, ive had the intense desire for friendship & human interaction, while simultaneously doing things that i was consciously aware was pushing others away - but then, if i pretend to be nice, where does that authenticity i worked for & was so scared of go? & i dont mean telling someone their new haircut looks nice even when it doesnt - thats just not being a dick. but i guess, those r the normal trials & tribulations of any relationship & adolescent developing identity. which is weird too - dealing with “normal” issues, i mean. whats the point if your life/limbs/breaking point arent at risk? whats the point when your best friends already dead. im sick of people calling "survivors” (despise that word, so fucking female-originated & overdramatic) “brave” & “strong” - surviving is not brave or strong. its just survival. you wouldnt call an animal brave for running for its life from a predator but you would call a dog courageous for going into a burning building to save its owner. premeditated action on the notion that you are probably going to be hurt is brave. being subjected to pain with no choice is not. theres no “silver lining” or anything “good” to be drawn from it either - sure it may have made x a more compassionate person or made y more introspective & gentle but you know what would have been even fucking better??? if the shit hadnt happened in the first place! let x be an asshole & y be self absorbed - the “benefits”, so to speak, do not outweigh the cost, not by a long fucking shot. its not only patronizing to hear garbage like that, but a slap in the face to know that anyone could possibly see anything good coming from that nightmare & that the characteristics, good or bad, you developed either in response to or as a result of, are worth praise. dont tell me im strong for doing what i had to to escape a torture chamber - tell me im perseverant for studying my ass off & passing that test last week. in the words of one of my dearest & most fucking brilliant friends, “pain doesnt owe me/you purpose - the need to intellectualize & assign meaning to pain & death is not only futile, but harmful.” & honestly, i think that it stems from weakness (in most cases - i realize theres a plethora of other reasons such as those who r just desperate for something to hold on to or r hyperintellectual & analytical or who have been pressured by external “support” systems to find the “good” etc etc) - while the majority of people view the person who “can find the good in everything” (strictly speaking only in relation to trauma/tragedy here & more in denunciation of those that celebrate this trait as opposed to vilifying “survivors” who respond this way, though in my experience, its very very very rarely the “survivor” that perpetrates this ideology ) as strong, i sort of see it as a weakness - their inability to sit with & absorb their own pain or that of others is so strong that not only do they have to frantically pull rainbows out of the teeth of a meat cleaver, they also have to exist within this strange (tho, not malicious - more subconscious) superiority complex. like, nah, dude, some times shit is just awful. you cant tell me anything fucking good came out of a four year old girl being kidnapped, gangraped, & tortured for two years, before being impaled & left to die on a stake. her mom opened a non profit organization? oh well thank fucking god for that!!! those that believe the latter to be more “enlightened” or whatever the fuck r the same people who say shit like “dying is easy - living is harder” & i get that that its supposed to be interpreted metaphorically for the most part - giving up is easy, trying isnt (which also.....isnt true??? admitting defeat & fully accepting the fact that ur fucking helpless is beyond hard lmao???) - but pretend youre somewhere, anywhere outside ur sunny little fucking yoga studio full of white women whos biggest issues r the pta & johnny whos failing math, & lets say your life is in real, imminent danger, a gun is to your head & i want you to not scream or cry or beg for ur life since dying is “easier”. if dying is so easy, why do the majority of ppl cling to it with such desperation - why is suicide illegal? why do some ppl go thru 100s of chemo treatments even tho the doctors say theyre just prolonging the inevitable, ppl who cut off a diseased arm so it wont spread, those who walk dozens of miles every day for food & water, etc? & i know & understand the survival instinct better than anyone, even when i wanted to die more than anything, my natural instincts would kick in with no conscious neural input & id do what i had to do. im not condemning those who cling to life (ok - a little. ur wasting resources out of ur own fear. but i also realize thats just me being a Fucking Asshole As Always cuz technically, im doing the same thing tho its more due to lack of opportunity rather than fear. i just think, societally, death should be more normalized, discussed, & not made out to be so unknown & scary), instead just reprimanding those who say shit like that (inspirational facebook quotes). especially cuz most of the ppl who do spew that shit have never gone thru anything even remotely difficult - their worst nightmare is a Big Scary Black Man grabbing them on the street, mugging them, & touching their tits. & i also know that these stupid ass sayings are to be applied to bullshit like exercise & fitness (“no pain no gain” is another one of my Favorites) & not fucking torture or even just ur run of the mill rape, even that would probably smash the rose tinted banana republic shades off their beverly hills tanned faces. but ive heard the no pain no gain one a handful of times in the last few weeks, specifically from doctors performing procedures in preparation for my bottom surgery. & i know its supposed to be encouraging & they have no way of knowing, but its just like, buddy, u have no idea who youre fucking talking to. & im starting to understand what THEY mean when they say it - pain with a reward is infinitely more tolerable than pain just for the sake of pain; like, a tattoo, it hurts, but u know, when its done, its gonna be sick as fuck. when u r able to fall back on the idea that its for something u rlly want, its A Lot easier to handle as opposed to pain thats Just Pain - theres no reward for it except, i guess, that the more u experience it, the closer u r to the end of it lmao. i mean, i still hate when ppl say it cuz for most of my life, pain was just pain, & the “reward” was the opportunity to go home at the end & so whenever ppl say that, my mind just immediately resorts back to that & im just like haha fuck u. but im trying to remember my experiences r definitely not universal & im starting to sorta understand what they mean i think. but, flipping gears here, & going back to the sentiment of “everything happens for a reason”, the base philosophy of psuedo deep Fuckwads - a girls dad didnt fuck her “for a reason”, everything doesnt happen “for a reason”. like ok, hypothetically, the kid he impregnated her with & that she was forced to have at 12 may surpass all odds & not become a homeless junkie & instead become a world renowned doctor who finds the cure for cancer. but she wasnt raped repeatedly from the age of six for that “reason”, no matter what anyone says & honestly, the liberation of the masses does not justify the suffering of one, especially a child. in my eyes at least. but again, im a bitter asshole. sorry i just Went The Fuck Off here oh my god.....if u read all this, thanks, pal. if not, thats cool too. but yea, send me ur stuff, id totally be down to read it. as for me potentially thinking ur cute, i have to look at my disgusting shitstain of a “face” every goddamn day so everyone else to me is fuckin aphrodite. but im also tryin to not put so much worth into physical appearance- its not something that should be complimented cuz its just smth a person was born with which is the same reason it shouldnt be insulted. this is gonna sound gay & stupid but i personally find that a persons essence & personality really permeates. you can meet someone who, objectively, isnt all that great looking, but once u get to know them, u really see their beauty - how the sun catches in their hair, their dilated pupils looking up at u from under long eyelashes in the dark, the birthmark on their right shoulder that they despise but that is so Them, the gap in their teeth, etc. & idk how to phrase this without it sounding like “well ur ugly but at least ur a good person”, cuz that only reiterates the societally indoctrinated emphasis on appearance & my kneejerk reaction to assure the person in question that thats not what im saying is only another result of that!!! its inescapable!!! but no, really, its not just a matter of “its on the inside that counts” - physically, they change or maybe, actually this is more likely, when i first meet them, my “default” eyes r just looking for features that i know im immediately attracted to (tall, blonde, sickly as in sunken eyes sticklike pale but still looks like she could & will beat the shit out of me) but as i fall in love or get to know them better, my eyes adjust & i notice & adore the beauty that was there all along. so uh. idk if ill think ur “cute”. but probably, yes, ill think ur an angel.

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