#im posting this publicly to see if im alone

[whorrorbvby]

an update:

hey friends a lot of people have been asking where ive been on other socials and im sorry for being m.i.a and ignoring everyone’s worries. im not getting into it right now and i dont know if i want to talk about the details publicly. 

i deleted tumblr from my phone about two and a half weeks ago and ive had a friend keeping a queue going on main for me. it might be that way permanently now i don’t know. I don’t know that I want to come back to tumblr if im being honest. a lot of things happened and i just can’t handle seeing certain people anymore so i’ve been hanging out on two of the more safer socials where tumblr people people generally leave me alone. not that im upset with you any of you or anything it’s more of a personal relationship and it just turned me off of basically everything and i just can’t handle a lot right now.  

i didn’t want to stop posting my own content for obvious reasons but i really can’t bring myself to come back it’s too hard and my heart can’t handle it right now. i also haven’t taken any new photos or anything and as of right now i don’t really feel super comfortable in sharing my body in that way. situations have made me feel disgusting as a person and i can’t look at myself. im trying to post more on ig to boost myself back up but i don’t know my self image is kind of ruined now. plus i’ve lost 15lbs from stress and inability to eat because of it and with how many people already harass and bully me for how scrawny i am i don’t want to subject myself in my current mental state to even the possibility of anyone saying anything. 

but like i said i have a friend running main for me and i might have them run this account too and my pepper page just because i do want to go back to making content i just dont know if i can handle posting or being in certain spaces right now. 

on top of what im currently dealing with in my personal life this is just a really hard time for me in general because of the holiday season and close to the anniversary of my best friends death so i tend to shut down a little anyway it’s just my entire world came crashing down again and im honestly starting to give up on even existing. i know im being melodramatic and i need to suck it up and just go back to status quo it’s just really hard this time and i cant force myself into a positive headspace like i used to even for a second. i have honestly never felt this empty and i barely know who i am or what my worth is anymore. 

i dont know if i’ll turn my asks back on. my friend offered to answer anything for me but its better for my mental health if i dont because i know people will ask questions and i dont trust myself to not completely go off on a tangent. im sorry i know im rambling but i feel like a proper update with zero room for misunderstanding is needed and i dont want to sugarcoat or lie to any of you to make myself seem or feel better cuz i respect the hell out of you guys and you deserve honesty if for nothing else. and i appreciate so fucking much you all continuing to support me and hype me up through all the bullshit life keeps throwing at me. 

im mostly on ig and threads right now and on threads im talking about games and movies with new people im meeting and it’s been really helping through shit. if you follow me on snap you saw me say im thinking about deleting everything. my accounts are still up and as long as my friend still wants to help me out i’ll at least have a queue running on main but i’ve deleted every social app other than ig and threads. i wholeheartedly planned on deleting snap last night but it’s the only way some of you get any updates from me so for now i wont delete it but i might make a new one instead just to get away from situations that are bringing me down. we’ll see. if I make a new snap i’ll post it everywhere n put it in my bios. that being said i don’t have a private/nsfw snap and i wont make one im sorry. i still wont sell content outside of what i post on peppers and i wont do customs im sorry. maybe in the future but right now i need to focus on myself and getting out of this headspace before i do anything else. 

but truly thank you for sticking with me and just genuinely being the best crew around. i promise to try my best to get out of this mess of a headspace im in as quickly as possible and im really sorry for basically abandoning everything again but i really am hopeful for the future and just trying to focus on myself and my happiness at the moment 🙏🏻🧡

[cheshire-castle-library]

I feel like as a writer I'm such a coward. I want to write things, but I hold myself back because I'm afraid of people finding out I'm a fucked up little guy. I know, academically, that every one who puts themselves out will end up tried on public opinion. I know that doesn't mean I'm a bad person, just because there's a chance for a pitch fork mob. But I'm still I guess "ashamed"? Afraid the church will burn me at the stake for writing romance like a Ludo song? Ashamed people I know will see that I do - in fact - have dark and scary thoughts? As if they don't already know I have edge-lord characters??? Do I fear I am unlovable if I write a fucked up thing? Am I so programmed to be the "Respectable Oldest Daughter" that these ideas must die with me?!

How do I free myself from this fear? I want to write messed up romance, the kind of true love on the torture rack that Morticia and Gomez had, I want to write the horrors that killed people and splayed out their insides before my scifi MC. I want to admit the world is terrifying and beautiful in horrific and yet conquerable ways! But I hesitate, choke myself back, write only things that you could show a 10 year old without giving them nightmares.

But I had nightmares as a 10 year old. I saw things that made me afraid. I imagined things that haunted me, that chased me in the dark. I know fear and I have faced it. Why am I so afraid of showing that? Why am I afraid of being perceived, when that the point of writing?!?

[waterfallofspace]

So, posting audio for the first time...!

Quite nervous bout this, so I'm pretty sure I won't leave it up, but I wanted to give it a try seeing as I'm feeling weirdly brave right now~~

[arinzu]

Rin Itoshi x f!reader with the trope

"he probably hates me" x "i love you so much"

AHHHH OMG IM SO SO SORRY FOR POSTING THIS LATE, MY SCHOOL STARTED AT JULY 22, AND MY EXAMS OMG D:

The only sun i'll ever need...

Summary : "I love you Reader... i don't know what to do without you" said rin You paused for a moment then answering "I thought you were gonna break up with me, didn't you Hate me...?"

Did i take inspo from tiktok and a few mental breakdowns i got? yes.

Reader is has a lot of insecurities, Rin x reader, popular x normal, this is for my insecure girlies out there (just so ya'k you are perfect<3)

Credits to the owners of the dividers and pictures! this fanfic style is from @chateaaa

HEY IT'S ME THE CREATOR I JUST GOT DONE AND FOUND OUT THAT MY MOOT ALSO HAS THE SAME REQUEST SO THAT'S INTERESTING <3

Everyday it seems like the media is out to get you ever since yours and rin's romantic relationship got exposed by the paparazzi's. You see your comments from posts you made years ago flooding with hate from his crazy fan-girls.

You were too terrified to communicate this massive issue with rin, and before you could process it. Time and time again it had already escalated, you dig a hole so deep that not even you who created the pit was able to get out.

it seems like every single day of your life hate keeps appearing. You can't even looks yourself in the mirror without breaking down from the comments.

your acne...

your body hair...

your looks...

even your figure was severely criticise...

It doesn't help that influences seems to catch up of the topic and starts also joining in. The more you scroll, the less you loved yourself you even notice rin getting quite distance in these couple weeks.

He doesn't start conversations anymore, doesn't stay long for cuddles, and is always on his phone... every time he does that it feels like a knife pierce your heart.

Overall your mental health is slowly deteriorating, you did try to stay strong even going as far as to publicly telling them to stop harassing you... but it just stopped for a couple days then it continued.

"(reader)?"

"(reader) (reader)!?"

You woke up in a cold sweat, frantically looking side to side just to find your lover sleeping right next to you facing the other direction. These vivid dreams keeps appearing of you committing suicide and rin's exact reaction.

It has changed... at every end of the dream might as well call it nightmare, rin calls out your name before you've committed it but this time it doesn't even show up.

You couldn't grasp the situation you dug yourself in, staring blankly at the white wall you can't sleep at this point too scared to face that nightmare.

You wanted to cuddle rin and tell him your problem, you quickly dropped that since rin was probably too busy...

With this you suffered alone, the sadness eating you so painfully and so slowly that you just wanted to end it.

...

"Oh, (reader)...?" rin called out to you, he was just woken up and was clearly very concern for you.

You haven't noticed this, but you were just blankly staring at a wall moving motionless.

"(Reader), are you okay...? you know you can talk to me" rin said trying to comfort you in the best way he can.

Feeling quite ashamed, you gave a small nod and assured him that you were okay.

TO. BE. CONTINUED

[menlove]

[image id: an ask from @harbingerofskulls that reads: "im gonna b real i only knew the jerking off i would love to hear you elaborate more if you want to go on the whole situation" /end id]

answering here so i can save as a draft without risking the ask disappearing bc tumblr's been doing that lately but

oh god </3 for everyone else- it's talking about this post. sooo i'm gonna go through each one bc i've been feeling insane for several weeks. i'll do my best to cite my sources lmao

i don't know (johnny johnny)

this is referring to this unreleased VERY early beatles track from 1960. the audio quality is absolute shit & as such unfortunately people love to put words to it that don't make much sense in either direction (i.e a lot of mclennon fans want to hear "you're in love with me" and a lot of people that hate mclennon will just make up the weirdest lyrics that make 0 sense so it's Not Gay). some of the lyrics that ARE clear make it obvious this song is about the two of them running away together- at one point i'm fairly certain paul says "how am i gonna tell my father that we're leaving town?" probably referring to them leaving to hamburg. which would be fine but some of the other lyrics areeeee..... very..... Hm. like multiple times paul refers to john as "my boy" and there's bits of them talking about not knowing what to tell their friends & wanting to just run off together alone. if i were the other members of the band having to record this i would have killed them with hammers <3 also the entire end is just paul going "oh johnny" like 1 million times. okay. sure. also since the lyrics ARE so garbled i mean i guess people could be right about it saying "how am i gonna tell my father you're in love with me" but i just don't hear it. still, a very gay song about running off together and getting away from everything and everyone, complete with moaning the other's name </3

2. paris

this one is a huge part of McLennon Fandom Lore lmao but for good reason. not citing sources on all this bc it's one of those that's just Fact & can be found in like any beatles biography or thebeatlesbible.com (my savior) but. for john's 21st birthday, he got 100 pounds from a rich relative. instead of taking his girlfriend or any of his other friends, he decided to use the money to take paul to spain. but they stopped in paris on the way and just decided to stay there. which i mean like. taking your best friend over your girlfriend to the city of love is a little weird but it's not THAT weird. it's everything else that makes people want to chew glass about it. including some of the other things on this list. like this audio of john just goofing around singing about paris and paul, with such hits as "my cheri, my pau pau my pau paul." which is :| okay best friend. and paul has this picture hung up in his house that he took of john sleeping in paris. okay. sure. why not. (although ig there's some doubt about if the photo is from paris? either way it's a picture paul took and has framed in his house which is incriminating enough my man). also NOT in the original post but may pang, a woman john had a brief affair with in the 70s, wrote a book called loving john. in it, there's this quote:

After a late lunch, Linda launched into a long paean to the joys of living in England. When she was finished, she turned to John and said, “Don’t you miss England?”

“Frankly,” John replied, “I miss Paris.”

okay! also in an interview once he said:

The thing was all the kissing and the holding that was going on in Paris. And it was so romantic, just to be there and see them, even though I was twenty-one and sort of not romantic. But I really loved it, the way the people would just stand under a tree kissing; and they weren’t mauling at each other, they were just kissing.

(interview with david scheff for playboy in september 1980)

3. if i fell

this one i already made an insane post on that started my spiral into posting about the beatles publicly </3 but, essentially, the song "if i fell" by john is..... well it's most likely about paul. he said it wasn't about his wife but that it was auto-biographical and he never really had any public affairs that weren't flings, certainly not a lover. but most damning is he wrote the complete lyrics for the first time on a valentine's day card addressed "to paul with love" with some hearts and arrows pointing to where the lyrics were written. absolutely insane. made me insane.

4. oh! darling

rawest paul song of all time if i do say so myself lmao. but it's just.... Highly Suspicious, that's what it is. a Lot of beatles fans/historians will admit this song is most likely about john but they won't admit that it's fucking romantic if it is. like.

like that is so blatantly romantic idk what to say other than that. also, in the official recording on abbey road, there's Several points where paul says "darling" that sound more like he's saying "johnny" which is what he called him. people brush it off by saying it's his accent, but there's a very clear difference between when he's saying "darling" and when he's saying "johnny". i mean the Lore behind this is that it was written right when things were splitting up between them (& the rest of the band) so it makes sense and it's why most people are willing to accept it's about john. it's just insane to me that they'll accept it's about john without considering the implications of that.

5. the real life demo

this one made me want to light myself on fire i won't lie to you. but here it is! john had a song called "real love" and this is a very early demo of it. but instead of the lyrics that came to actually be in the song (which are thought to be about yoko but let's not get into the fact that it was on a tape labeled "for paul" but whatever), it includes john fucking crying as he sings saying:

"was i just dreaming or was it only yesterday? i used to hold you in my arms. and now a baby and another on the way... la la la la farm..."

which can quite literally be about no one else but paul, as this demo was recorded when he'd just had two children with his wife linda and linda was pregnant with their third child. they'd moved to a farm in scotland. hearing this audio clip did genuinely make me want to lie down in the dirt for a week. also "i used to hold you in my arms" just... yeah. god. when people think it was unrequited idk what to say, really.

6. If Paul Were A Woman-

shoving these two together but. in april of 85, paul said in an interview about john and yoko's relationship:

"I mean, I couldn’t stand in the way of someone who’d fallen in love. You can’t say, 'Who’s this?' You can’t really do that. If I was a girl, maybe I could go out and…"

okay bestie <3 and what would make your relationship different if you were a woman? interesting! and yoko had something similar to say. in this audio, she says:

"I’m sure that if he had been a woman or something, he would have been a great threat – because there’s something definitely very strong between John and Paul."

just reminds me of being a kid and telling my best friends "if i were a boy i'd date you" lol. incredible. does anyone here know about bisexuality.

7. stuart!

not much to say here except that john had a best friend, stu sutcliffe, who died young & before that had been the bassist in the band. paul fucking hated him sooo much oh he SEETHED. a lot has been written on that relationship but it was.... very interesting to say the least. it could have just been about the band, or just jealousy over john's friendship, but take that with a lot of john biographers suspecting john had feelings/even a sexual relationship with stuart and it paints a very Interesting picture to say the least

8. john's bisexuality

here's a compilation of quotes about it, but john was more than likely bisexual. which has nothing to do w paul, really, but more to do against people that like to claim they were both Heterosexual Men. although an interesting quote in this compilation is him saying he's "had paul" lmfao

9. paul's post-beatles work

there's just.... there is so so so much here i don't even know where to begin. @ringompreg has a good compilation of paul songs here. a lot of them do take a bit of Lore but like..... it comes down to the fact that both him and john have/had admitted many times to using their lyrics during The Breakup Years to talk to/reference each other and sooooo many of these lyrics are insanely blatant. the two i mentioned were tug of war and let me roll it, both of which are acknowledged to be about john by most people WITH NO ONE BOTHERING TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE IMPLICATIONS OF THAT which..... tug of war has this:

we could stand on top of the mountain with our flag unfurled? dancing to a beat played on a different drum? this is what gaylors think gaylor conspiracy is but paul mccartney is really out here saying this shit.

and let me roll it is so fucking blatantly romantic but every reviewer is like haha! what a cool song that's "making fun" of john and clearly in his style! like are straight people stupid genuinely. anyway:

bonus to that but about JOHN'S solo work :)))))) he wrote a song called "watching the wheels" and when you consider he very much responded to MANY of paul's solo stuff it's :)

which as a response to let me roll it would just be... so devestating but it may be a stretch idk if i'm onto anything there it's just worth Mentioning

and there's a lot of others, a lot of them in that post up there. like far too many where paul mentions falling in love with a friend like Alright.

10. paul's first lsd trip with john/"i know" "i know"

this one is less blatantly romantic but it is just insane. here's an article. and a quote from george martin about it. the first time paul tripped on acid w john was bc john accidentally took some and he took him home & then took acid w him bc he didn't want john to be alone on the trip :( but, notably:

"And we looked into each other’s eyes, the eye contact thing we used to do, which is fairly mind-boggling. You dissolve into each other. But that’s what we did, round about that time, that’s what we did a lot," the singer recalled, "And it was amazing. You’re looking into each other’s eyes and you would want to look away, but you wouldn’t, and you could see yourself in the other person. It was a very freaky experience and I was totally blown away."

he also apparently saw john as the, and i quote, "emperor of eternity" during this trip??????? okay

SOMEWHERE i can't find it rn and i'm getting lazy but somewhere they (i think paul?) talk about the fact that they used to just stare into each other's eyes and then say "i know" "i know" which. considering john's song "i know (i know)" makes me crazy

11. in my life/i will

these are really just some devastating songs with lyrics that make you really raise your eyebrows. for in my life, written by john, it's just an incredibly romantic & sweet song that is again, not about his wife. given that the lennon estate is still out here posting pictures of paul to those lyrics i have to say it's a liiiiittle suspicious. and i will is...... it's one that paul insists is not about his girlfriend at the time, jane asher. and when you look at the lyrics vs how him and john met.... like. the song goes:

and the story of how they met was that paul saw john repeatedly before they ever met, when he didn't know who john was other than that he thought he looked cool & admired his sideburns (lmfao). and when they did finally meet, it was when john was singing at a garden fete (party) and paul was in the crowd just Mesmerized. so. well. you can see.... you can see how fitting that is. makes me crazy makes me want to chew glass actually

12. "we were each other's intimates" and other insane quotes

"we were each other's intimates" is a paul quote about john which is just insane but that's not even the tip of the iceberg. here's a ton of quote compilations.

13. "literally everything else"/honorable mentions

some honorable mentions go out to: john going on stage w elton john & playing i saw her standing there and introducing it as "a song by an estranged fiance of mine" okay! the "just like starting over" demos. okay! which isn't even to MENTION the fact that paul locked himself away in the studio listening to "just like starting over" on repeat for DAYS after john died like???? john saying repeatedly that he considered paul & yoko to be his two major partners in life including in an interview the literal day he died. a whole ass rpf movie where they kiss & talk like they're ex-lovers and dance in central park (two of us) made by the same dude that made the let it be movie like. he knew them personally? he worked with them closely? and the only thing paul had to say about it was just essentially that it was what he wished would've happened like???????? i can't find a super reliable source for this so take it w a grain of salt, but apparently paul referred to mclennon fanfiction as "beautiful stories" and doesn't mind them being written. paul also had a cat that had kittens & he named two of the kittens pyramus and thisbe after fictional lovers he and john played and he gave pyramus (the character paul played) to john :|

and literally so much else like all of this and it's not even all of it. it's not even close to all of it. i didn't even get to talk about the way in "get back" the documentary, paul started talking about john leaving the band for yoko and how john would choose her over them and then he got teary eyed, started choke laughing, and then started singing "build me up buttercup" before looking at the cameras and stopping. what the FUCK was that about! IT'S NOT EVEN GETTING INTO THE SONG "TWO OF US" THAT'S SO OBVIOUSLY ABOUT JOHN THAT IT HURTS. it's. it's not even scratching the surface. they were just genuinely insane about each other.

[wisteriaphobia]

Alright time to come out, not out of the closet, but I am Nat (Or Lilnatx) . I wanted to come here and share my story or fairy tales if you don't like me. I was a part of “clique 1”

Not to use my age like a pokemon card but I am 15, and I don't care what you have to say to me personally but I'm sick and tired of my name being dragged through the mud and being used as a scapegoat. But I have lots of pent up anger that I didn't have the privilege of saying.

April 3rd was the day I was banned from nevermore, with no proof. Like at all, I'm still bamboozled and scratching my head like a monkey on what was actually on me and my friends. We were accused of “shit talking” and I have yet to see the shit that we have allegedly talked about.

And honestly? Even if I did shit talk people, why… in a conversation about a predator … does that matter? I'm exhausted with how Red always fights with teenagers (like me) and other friends of mine. It's so despicable that the minions might just leave Gru for her instead. I was in gym class when I got banned and honestly? I would rather get banned 10 more times than do another plank for 2 minutes while seeing my P.E teacher's bald head.

My crimes that I did publicly (in the screenshot that red posted) is me being.. not fucking involved? Right before I got banned I was staying away from people that I previously did not enjoy and in fact I tried my best to not interact with them directly. At one point I had many members blocked on my discord because I was tired of being the villain.

Yet here I am in the year of our lord July of 2024 and people are still referring to my friends as “nats clique” like I said earlier im 15, quince. I have little power over my friends' actions , especially if they're an adult. I can barely get Laci to join me on Minecraft let alone make her collaborate on some high tech scheme, what is this shit? Oceans 11?

I find it petty that red refers to my friends as a “clique” we're a friend group, and the definition of a clique requires a group that's hard to get into. The server (until now) was open, you could pull up to Jinx's profile like a McDonald's drive through and get an invite. Our friend group was constantly expanding and if you personally felt like you were scared to talk to us, I'm sorry that you never experienced the poop closet jokes.

Red being paranoid about what a bunch of teenagers were maybe saying behind her back to deflect about crimson is quite irresponsible I do say so myself. So please Red! With a cherry on top! Show me what I did to you. What sin have I committed on your ego that should banish me to hell. Because I sure as hell don't know what I've done, (and you can quote this) you probably don't know what I've done either, because you made it all up.

Unfortunately I have no screenshots to give, because my phone storage is ass. But you can hit up any of the members of my clique for proof regarding my innocence. I promise I'm not an evil bitch who wants to ban you (not evil not evil no I'm the least evil person I know)

I'm sorry if this response upsets you, but if a 15 year old girl who ships who chicks bothers you so much. Imagine how I feel, imagine now so many people who once looked up to you feel. Everyone in your post looked up to you once as a role model, and have had panic attacks and stress because (allegedly) you harmed them with your cruel words. You can think it's your fault or not that's not my problem.. but for someone who wants evidence and proof 24/7 you sure like to not give out proof of anyone else.

P.S if you were anyone who gave red evidence of my wrong doings, can I see them? Cause I don't know what I have done.

P.P.S I'm not a man, and I write fanfiction of lesbian vampires.

P.P.P.S this is so not sigma that I gotta make this response

[damagedcoda6669]

just wanted to let you know real quick that the person sending people your deadname + stuff about that one stealthygeek person has spread to tumblr, i literally just got an anonymous ask in my inbox with it. all i did was sigh in deep deep exasperation and delete it. why can't people leave you alone

i rlly appreciate ppl letting me know abt this!!! but in all honesty theres nothing i can do, and i already know. when i said not 2 send me birdie drama related asks, it includes thingz like this, becuz this is an attempt at a continuation of birdie drama by the ppl perpetrating this. i wouldnt like 2 be alerted abt this becuz its genuinely out of my control and i honestly dont intend 2 spread awareness abt this going forward. these ppl thrive off of attention and it wont do any good. block n ignore. this is the last time im talking abt it publicly. in the kindest way possible, these kind of reminders only serve 2 make me paranoid and anxious and dysphoric. ive gotten another ask sending me a sc of one of these asks with my deadname uncensored that i saw a few mins ago, and ik it will have a severe effect on my mental state. PLEASE PLEASE be mindful of my mental state with the thingz that u say 2 me, becuz i will see all of it. plz only tell me abt these things if ur 100% sure i can do smth 2 stop it, ive been scared 2 check my notifs all day becuz of the possibility of smth dumb like this happening while i was away (which isnt ur fault) i know u have good intentions but plz be aware of my mental state and how these things effect me. im in a bad mental state already and i have no therapist/psychiatrist/doctor 2 go 2 if i go off the deep end, and im currently unmedicated and not in the mental health system due 2 circumstances out of my control /nm /gen

theres nothing i can do abt my deadname being spread around, i was doxxed when i was 12 and im still being lolcowed on kiwifarms 2 this day. its public information and theres nothing i can do. the only course of action is 2 ignore. nothing theyre doing is illegal (4 the most part lol) so theres no action 2 take except 4 withdrawing attention /gen

edit: i rlly hope i didnt come across as aggressive in this post at all, i genuinely mean no harm towards the ppl telling me abt this and im not mad at u guys!!! im very thankful 4 the concern, but theres genuinely nothing i can do in this situation and the only outcome of this is a broken mental state 4 me. i feel icky being negative again but i just want my boundaries 2 be known!!! so srry :(

[auschizm]

this is an offensive symptom to have but its real and i promise it isnt a troll, just hear me out: i haven't had a chance to talk to a doctor about this because of our economic situation, but i have a symptom where the n word plays in my head whenever i see a human or animal with dark pigmentation, not just black people but also dogs at the dog park for example

for context im a 19F afab european-american woman. and i don't know what to do about this because a few weeks ago on my birthday i was just sitting there at a restaurant on a busy day, and i was sitting by the entrance to charge my phone while a lot of mostly black people walked in and out, and i received the n word playing in my head a few hundred times and there was nothing i could do about it. I'm not racist i just have this recurring involuntary duosyllabic thought that i can't control.

this could be related to ocd or it could be some other type of coprolalia thoughts. but i also have thoughts multiple times a day saying "i am going to k*** m*s***", which i know I'm not going to do, it just gets really annoying and recently I interrupt those thoughts by thinking SHUT UP SHUT UP DON'T SAY THAT or something which certainly feels like I'm "going crazy" or something but i don't know what's wrong with me. (both of these have happened since around autumn/winter of 2023.)

i told my mom about this and she knows, we just haven't had a chance to talk to a doctor because we are moving to a different house. I've been diagnosed with autism and ADHD, and i was given a GAD diagnosis in January 2023 with the doctor saying i had some ocdspec traits of obsessive compulsiveness, tics, dissociation, and i forgot what else he mentioned but maybe the fact that i stutter? (i dont know what he meant by tics, back then i just made noises when lost in thought or typing things, and i used to have echolalia when i was 5 or something, this was before the current symptoms) i have no way of knowing right now if this is my Super Mega Autism (autism/adhd/anxiety + ocdspec traits) or if it's an ocdspec disorder if i am developing schizophrenia or schizotypal or something. and I'm not asking for a diagnosis or anything i just want to know what your thoughts are on the symptom situation because it's weird and i don't want to publicly post about it.

(and another thing, sometimes when I'm alone i stim by saying "vinegar vinegar vinegar" or Something Else if you know what i mean, and it might be controversial to have coprolalia-related stims, but my head/face feels warm and electric and i say it to calm down and feel normal again which is not something i feel comfortable telling a doctor about. I have a stutter affecting my speech, but i don't completely "involuntarily speak" offensive things, i just involuntarily think KMS and the N word on a consistent basis without variation in the symptoms besides them getting worse, and sometimes get a strong urge to say "vinegar" or just the last 2 syllables of vinegar, which sounds terrible but i think it's similar to coprolalia and i only do it when alone where nobody can hear me.) again this might sound fake or like a troll ask but i promise it isn't. what are your thoughts on this? again im not asking for a diagnosis i just need somewhere to anonymously talk about this.

1) Obsessive compulsive thinking is not fully within your control and does not reflect your actual desires or character. The best way to manage it is actually to stop moralizing it and to focus your attention on what actually leaves your head. 2) Of course no mental disorder excuses acting in racist and otherwise bigoted ways, but things happening exclusively inside your head can't hurt anyone but yourself

[howdyplunderer]

Intro of the sorts [I have been meaning to make one of these]

Greetings and salutations, it is I, howdyplunderer. Many call me Jake, but I do in fact have nicknames, I honestly do not give a darn.

I have many interests, and lots about me, I am THE INTERNATIONAL MAN OF MYSTERY you could call it.

My MAIN INTERESTS, oh yes I only have two SPECIAL, SPECIAL interests, I am about to whip them out for you in this post, two prized most beloved interests that I love ever so dearly, nobody could ever understand, the years me and the interests have been through, oh the years. Ok, HERE WE GO! The BEST OF THE BEST: TOMB RAIDER. And....drum roll please........HOMESTUCK!

**Airhorn sounds!!!** Oh yeah! Oh yeah!

Now onto my OTHER interests, still utmost amazing!

I am quite the fan of SUBJECTS, subjects of many, I am heavily interested in archaeology, anthropology, religion, philosophy and history in general if you could tell, theres a sort of theme there. I REALLY like the past and all to do with it, all media that could ever exist in the past, movies, history, games, music....all the good stuff [especially movies]. Along with other things, I am a fan of the dead, everything to do with the dead, I love the dead, in a lovely wholesome way. Mostly findings of the dead. The fun dead, not THE EDGY dead. I am a great fan of MYSTERY, mysterious people, mystery in life, mystery in death, all that comes with mystery. I love how the world is, and it is my mission to discover so much of it as soon as I can, it is the most beautiful thing to ever exist, why are so many people scared to discover it? I love all of it I am trying not to explode as i write about it actually.

Ok, I feel I should get deep and personal here, well, not THAT deep, just random things I see in intros that I should maybe put? I am a dude, I go by he, or whatever takes your fancy. I am also straight, and greyromantic, if you dont know what that is search it up. What are some other things you people need to know...oh yeah, if you would care to be my pal you should add me on Discord if you want, I like meeting new people, but be warned I do not always reply to people, you arent alone I do it with everyone...I do eventually reply though..busy man, busy things... Also, sometimes I do not shut up, I blabber on for ages, which everyone finds annoying [be warned]. ALSO if I somehow make you feel bad. Tell me. Many thanks. Theres lots more to talk about in THE PERSONAL area but to be quite honest, a lot of it id rather not spread publicly [this is why you should be my buddy].

I bet you are wondering, "Where does this guy even come from?"

Well, GOOD NEWS, im aboutta tell you. I am BRITISH I do live in the land of CYMRU, I lived in IL-GŻIRA TA’ MALTA for quite some time, I mostly see that as my favourite space to be. All three of these places I happen to be part all of them, I am the most British-Welsh-Maltese guy ever. Awww ivaaaa!

If you didnt know, I have a great music taste, and I absolutely should drop some songs over here, trust me. I am a big fan of Venetian Snares, little do we know. The genres I mostly dabble into are jungle and DnB, lots of electronica. And old shite.

A lot of these songs explain me to a key, a key that makes no sense but in my head it does.

I think that this may be the end of my intro post....for now anyway, hopefully you have learnt something! I would love to be asked questions if anyone actually sees this. I should tag this one.

[thetwilightroadtonightfall]

Not to get up all in your asks (again) but i was thinking daybreak town (as per usual) and was thinking about daybreak town songs…. I dont think i’ve posted abt this publicly yet so congratulations you’re yhe first person to hear about this outside of my circle !

But anyways ywah so daybreak town traditional songs huh, in my head i always imagine traditional songs being VERY polyphonic and meant to be sung with a group of people, like if you try to sing these songs by yourself it will NOT sound correctly at all, like in my head they can be simple and repetitive or very long and wordy. I also imagine there’d be a lot of mourning songs which would probably have the most amount of people possible singing and they’d sound very weepy (im also a huge fan of daybreak town being a culture that practices death wailing, specifically in my head it sounds like that of the Yaminawa tribe) like idk . Idk. Do u see my Vision .

I just think daybreak town using song and dance as a form of prayer and protection against the darkness,

ooh OOHHH Bug you’re cooking!!!

I can see the vision. Singing being a thing that ties them together, in life and in death. Keyblade wielders going missing or dying on missions, and their party members and loved ones singing for them as part of their mourning process. The Dandelions doing the same thing after the war, at least once a day for all those victims lost. The wailing in the streets, but at least not having to go through the grief alone because if you grieve alone, you invite darkness in…..the very act itself protecting everybody in their lowest moments.

oh yeah. I’m feeling it.

[punchratt]

Im thinking about posting about The Arcana, I’ve been a big fan ever since it came out and the genuine passion I feel for these characters is honestly intense. When I say I’ve written so much about this game just for myself alone I mean I have gigabytes worth of content (or rather, had, most of it’s been lost unfortunately :\). 99% of its Nadia related not even gonna lie lol-

Idk though, I’m still kinda apprehensive because I like having this one little thing to myself. I mean, I definitely don’t feel pressured to write about the other stuff I put on this blog. I do all this for me, everything I post is for me and me alone. I just genuinely love enthusing about all these games I hold so dear, i love sharing my thoughts about them with other people, I love analyzing these characters publicly and getting the chance to start a dialogue. I don’t know why it’s so different for me when it comes to this game in particular.

I’m kinda coming around to the idea of sharing what I feel though. Giving it the good ol’ Red Dead, Balders Gate, Portal treatment and writing some lengthy posts about it. I’m certainly not short on ideas lol-

I think I just needed to word vomit a little bit, I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently. I’m not committing to anything really, just testing the waters. Seeing if anyone would be interested. Anyways, thanks for reading if you did, I do love myself a good ramble before dinner :)

[schizochasm]

Not to get all sappy on y'all...

But.

(cut, cause God I got long winded. I have a lot to say to y'all it turns out...)

I have a couple of mutuals I legit love. I'd Hate to see you go. Unless it's cause you're recovering. In which case I'd be ecstatic! I care about you. I worry about you. I see you post and I feel you. You matter to me. You really do.

And everyone who's on here, I care. I see you. And I feel your pain and your struggles. I hope for you. I want the best for you. I need you to know that.

I'm autistic and schizophrenic. I have stopped caring what people think of my way of saying things and doing things by now. Its been over a decade with this. I don't say things just to say them. I'm brutally honest and brutally myself. Especially here. I'd Never tell you this if I didn't mean it. I Mean it!

You all matter to me.

I see you post and if you're struggling I hurt for you.

If you're succeeding with something or are happy about something, Im celebrating with you and cheering for you.

I'm too paranoid to respond to dms. But I love responding to y'all publicly. (I use my likes as a save for later, which is why Im not liking your posts.)

I'm here. I see you. And I care.

This community at large is so caring and loving and warm. And you've all changed my loneliness in my 3d to feeling seen and heard. And every damn time I respond and someone says it made them feel better, or just a simple thank you, it makes me feel a little better.

If I can make any of you feel better, or calmer, or heard, that's everything to me.

I know how lonely many of us are. Me included.

I'm alone by choice. But I know many of you aren't.

And if I can make you feel even a little better... That means the world to me. And I know how much that can mean.

Genuinely, from one fd up person to another, I want the best for you. I see you. And I'll be here. Reading your "stupid" little updates. And rooting for you.

You got this!

I truly am so thankful for this community and all it means to me.

You're not alone.

I'm right here with you.

Stay safe.

And do your best.

It may not "be enough." But it's all you can do. And I'm proud of you.

You all deserve recovery.

You all deserve a good life and to love yourselves.

You all deserve love and respect.

From the bottom of my sappy cringey heart, I promise you deserve to be happy and healthy.

Peace.

[good-beanswrites]

sorryf im being mentally ill about hallucination event right now SO in the LCSyS au, would there be something like it :o? Like after all of it's over or something, how crazy would it be if Jackalope tried to get them all together just to do one last concert?

Never apologize for being mentally ill about Milgram content 😌👍 We are all in it together 😔👍I'm combining this answer with a reply to @kikithedeceiver (and spiraling out of control from both)

I've had a lot of ideas about the project being public in LCSyS, but was holding off including it for few reasons – the audience’s voices would conflict with Es as their own character. Knowing the public was watching would change the way the prisoners acted (even if they thought they were acting natural). It’s a long time that the families would have to deal with the public knowing about their loved one’s almost-crime. I also like the idea of this au ending with the prisoners returning to very normal lives. 

Buuuuut it is such a fun idea, and popularity seems an essential part of an actors au. So, I’m not naming this as canon, but here’s a pitch if you liked that idea and wanted to run with it :3

The team doesn’t tell the participants that they’ve been recording/collecting certain material to release. If a translation is left out by accident, the prisoners just assume it’s for a foreign team member – they have no idea how close/far Milgram reaches. 

The third trial begins. The prisoners are inside the prison, and on the final stretch of the trials. On the outside, Jackalope contacts families for signatures to release the material publicly. The team thought about censoring names and things, but seeing current fans’ investigation skills, they knew it was a matter of time before they put pieces together anyway. This may be super illegal but for the sake of the story I’ll say that family consent is enough lmao.

Some of them are easy to convince to sign off on everything, since it can raise awareness for their loved one’s struggles. Muu’s family takes the longest, as it would risk ruining their reputation. (They’re only swayed because it truly is a great opportunity to show off Muu’s talents for those modeling scouts, and she didn’t actually kill anyone in the end.) Kazui’s family refuses to release his info, but Hinako uses sway with her marital status to sign off instead (I pictured things happening fast enough where she hasn’t gotten an official divorce yet). Hinako still struggles with what he did, but she thinks he’s doing something incredibly brave now. I’m not 100% sure what’s going through Amane’s father’s mind, but if the murder really was in line with the cult’s beliefs, maybe he believes that Amane will be be a shining representation of their religion. He wants to show her off as their little golden child.

The experiment is published in its current form: music videos, voice dramas, timeline conversations, interrogation questions, etc. It’s brought to more than just science/psychology circles, though. Jackalope has no shame in marketing it as entertainment, hence the stockholders mentioned. He assures the sociologists that this will be a major breakthrough for them. He tells music labels he's got the new hit thing for them. He leans into the excitement of releases and merchandise in the hopes of gaining attention for the experiment. Needless to say, it works. Even though the audience has no sway over Es’ decisions, they are encouraged to make decisions for themselves on what they would judge each prisoner. There’s the same types of theory/analysis/discourse posts passed around. 

When the trials end, the prisoners are released into the world to find they’re famous. Instead of trudging back to their lives feeling that society hates them, they find tons of adoring fans telling them how much they understand and forgive them. Even if their final verdict was guilty, they have hundreds of voices assuring them that they are loved. That they are not alone. This attention really helps Haruka, Amane, (and maybe Es) who don’t have a good home to go back to. Not only can they reenter society, they are welcomed with open arms. They are looked after and showered in love. Some of the adults realize they want to use this popularity to lead the charge of social change. They create/support projects meant to help people who are facing their struggles.

And of course, there’s the other type of fame as well. Yuno loves answering fanmail and turning her karaoke hobby into a music career. Kazui goes from a life of feeling rejected and disgusting to scrolling through comments upon comments of men oogling him. Mahiru gets offers from fashion magazines and blogs to write up sections about self-love. Amane gets to live out her dream of being a performer, hinted at in her first two mvs. Fuuta is flustered by all the positive attention his appearance/voice is getting. Mikoto… well, I just wish him luck when he opens tiktok…

Which brings us to the live event! The prisoners have tried to keep in touch while adjusting to their new lives as almost-murderers-turned-idols. They’re amazed at how well-recieved the trial songs were. Those were some of their most personal, shameful secrets, and people relate to them? People love singing them?? People want a concert featuring them??? Jackalope encourages them to get together for one last encore. Some are thrilled with the opportunity, others are still nervous about the whole thing. Some think it’s in poor taste, that Jackalope is milking them for entertainment. But with a bit of conversing amongst themselves, they realize they all want a chance to sing like that again, and see each other in one place again. (It’s ironic because in my head Mahiru is the one to convince everyone to come ;--;) 

It’s strange putting on the uniforms again. Es is unsure about putting on their guard’s cloak. But the minute they stop onstage, they’re met with wild applause. They can sing their fears and dreams to a huge crowd and see in real time how it’s reaching others. They hear the cheers after each song. They hear that it’s streamed all over the world. All of them have an absolute blast, and pour their heart and soul into their performances.

[pineappleparfaitie]

Regarding recent events

Alright im in a better mental state so i want to clear some things up

1. My "callout" posts ir whatever the fuck  had sfw vore community tags on it I never should have  put on there . Im genuinely sorry to everyone ive hurt with that decision for causing anything triggering or anything along those lines. I was 100% in the wrong and i may have even caused some people to do bad stuff to themselves. I am sorry.I am so sorry.

2.I am in contact with someone trying to clear this up, i saw this person make a post trying to prove i sentthrm BOMB threats. I want a vide recording of this proof sent to me as this is a) a lie on the part of their friend b) i have hd to provide video evidence so i believe it's only fair. If this person is reading this I want your friend to record them doing that as i feel its the best way for us to see the truth.

3.I am most likely leaving the community due to this. Never in my 16 and a half years that I have walked this planet have i been called a neo-n@zi, have i been called a straight up nazi, have i bee called scum and have i had someone so publicly wish harm upon me. I have been threw hell in the last 12+ hours ,i havent slept, my heart aches and I am unable to breath normally.My menstrual cycle wil probably be late due to stress alone even though i should have gotten it a few days ago.

I have RUINED,TAINTED and DESTROYEE discourse around this topic in the community and im so sorry.Im sorry people will wat to speak up on this and fewr theyll be a moron like me.Im sorry people will look at me and never want to bring this issue up because they dont want to end up like me-pathetic and unable to talk without bring so confusing people cant even understand what Im saying.So bad at emphasazing a point I have peple thinking im a nazi or even nazj SYMPATHISER God forbid.

Im sorry to anyone and everyone ive hurt , to anyone and everyone who saw my posts and felt hurt because they had every right to be.

Im so sorry.Im sorry.

4.

This mext bit is directed at this individual.

Read if you wish but if I see or hear people sending threats to this person,sending insults,sending death threats or anything under thr Sun along those lines you are DIRT to me.

.

.

. Im sorry. I have tried apologising where I went wrong. I apologised to you when we cut ties and I reiterated stuff wasnt your fault. You have called me names,misgendered me ,claimed it wasnt a gendered term and later said you thought jt said she/her in my bio when it wasone of the first things on my blog.But i can forgive that. It makes me salty but its a simple mistake .

However

Im sorry. I am so sorry I hurt you. I am sorry you think id even IMAGINE makin bomb threats to you, had you told me to the extent these people were going I would have tried tracking them down myself.  I thought all they did was call you a Zio which I dont even believe you to be. Im sorry if you ever felt belittled ,hurt  ect and weather or not anything comes to light You have the right to FEEL hurt. To FEEL that i wronged you in every way. No one should insult your feelings over this tyoe of stuff. But all I ask is a GRAIN,  not even an ounce, a GRAIN of sympathy after being told to get hit by a train ,then publicly being called a nazi with no proof. The things you listed by definition wouldnt make me a nzi. You have misinterpreted and misunderstood my words and I am SORRY I couldnt be more understanble and word myself better.it was MY FAULT. not you It was ME But I have never insulted you ,called you what you have called me, called you a bitch ,said you were yapping whe you wanted to disprove anything,  gave you desth threats. I am angry amd I am devestated but I will never even call you a zionist. The only issue I ever had after we cut dtuff off was you calling me a neo nazi publicly via vauge post. You could have hated my GUTS and it wouldn't have bothered me cause you have the right to feel hurt

Please. Send me video evidence. Because you andyour friend are making me out to be a antisemitic nazi monster who sends bomb and starvation threats to random 16 year old online. Im the same age as you. I am leaving a community i adored because of this if not 100% then considering I hope you can be happy when or if im gone.Maybe it would bring you closure cause you said everyone agrees im wrong. I may have misread your words here - but I believe you said it would be better if i left. The post isfone now tough.

Im not claiming you did i may have misremembered. But if so I hope you can finnaly get closure and be happy when im gone.

I hope you can finnaly be happy .All i ask is ehen I leave to not do this to anyone else. You have destroyedme from the inside out.

Im sorry I wasnt better , im sorry i made you feel like shit, im sorry me not thinking may have or HAS caused you mental or even physical pain.

Im sorry. Im not asking for forgiveness, because no one decides that but you. Amd you habe every right to not even think about it

I want you to know Im sorry

-Pine

[khalixvitae]

I HAVE NEVER SEEN SOMEBODY CONVEY IDIA'S CHARACTER AS WELL AS YOU DID OMG I JUST READ WHEN YOU SAID IDIA ISNT AN INCEL so many people misinterpret his character as just being shy but that just sets him up as a stereotypical introvert. It's not that he's SHY it's that he physically doesn't know hoe to deal with people and instead of trying to learn he just assumes there is no point so he perpetuates his own loneliness. IM SO GLAD IVE FOUND SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS HIM LIKE I DO AAAAAHHHH

Aghhhhh hello anon! Im glad you enjoyed my silly little post, that’s so sweet of you! Yea I feel like there’s so much going on with Idia (frankly with both of the Shroud brothers and their whole deal) that gets kinda bogged down by tropey perceptions. Like yes Idia is introverted and mostly opposed to interacting with people, but there are a lot of layers there. He’s agoraphobic, under-socialized, and painfully anxious. he’s scarily smart and prefers to scheme behind the scenes until he’s positive whatever he’s cooking up is fool proof (which I don’t think is an inherently bad trait) because things are easier and require less effort when there’s a script. freeballing social interactions with people and a broader environment you have no interest in connecting with is both taxing and in no way gratifying (in Idia’s mind, and in most cases). Its inefficient, which I also think is a good way of summarizing his attitudes towards social interaction.

He considers it pointless for everyone involved since he’s just going to disappear one day. Not to mention his upbringing and that hot mess of socialization, I think anybody would be fucked up from that. Plus his whole complex about his appearance and the fact that it’s not exactly been pleasant to just exist publicly. With all these factors in mind It’s important to remember that he’s the one who has decided he MUST be alone and that his fate is predetermined. In the name of efficiency/practicality and his sanity (while ironically undermining both) he just gives up before he’s even started. The world doesn’t end for the people around him, but he’s miserable and would be regardless. I mean he outright says so in book 6. The worst part is that he’s really self aware about it - he just doesn’t think he can change his circumstances or himself. I think the rest of his character really relies on that point. Honestly that’s what makes him so tragic and why I think his overblot is so interesting. It calls into question this focus on efficiency because it’s really just a bluff- as smart and rational as he wants to be, he’s quick tempered and honestly very emotional. We actually get to see just how far he can go with this almost martyr like philosophy because it hinges on his low self worth, but once someone he loves is brought into the equation, he completely jumps the gun. He may not see himself as worth saving, but for the one person he cares about/who understands him??? Who he believes he failed? Rationale goes out the window.

Anyways sorry for the little tangent there, I just think he’s so interesting and the incel trope really downplays the nuance there. He’s so smart but so emotionally driven despite being emotionally stunted and tbh I think that’s his downfall.

[just-orbiting-you]

I’m so glad someone said it, that Jikook are more soulmates and not vmin. I’m not 💯 up on that lore but it seems they said it once or twice, and the fandom ran with it? It drives me nuts because to me it’s not evident, not any more at least- reasons being what you’ve been talking about. Some soulmate when you can’t post for them on their release weeks, and that’s twice now. In fact not posting at all would have been better than what he actually did, which imo was disgraceful, he knew what he was doing and what happens when he does, I wish more people could see it, and stop defending him, he’s done this too many times.

To me, Jimin and Hobi are more bff/soulmate or mini moni, they have beautiful bonds. I mean Jimin does with most people and that’s wonderful but also part of the fandom’s problem because it makes him infinitely shippable. Instead of respecting their relationships, people fetishise them imo. Like with the vmin hug at jins discharge, people over the top reacting and inserting themselves. Jimin gives good hugs, his hug with Jin was also precious.

I don’t think people do that with jikook because as you said, they have not ‘labelled’ their dynamic unless you count all nighter friends (and when you truly think about that, it’s kinda wild). And I think peoples six sense can tell they are different and yes, homophobia and real person shipping play into that. When you have reactors on YouTube noticing it without context or knowledge, that’s when you can see without bias how they come across.

I look at them and see something deep and pure, a bond that is so precious they chose to enlist together, that alone shows their relationship is more, more something?! I am just hoping that with the show people will be respectful of them, and see how truly special they are to each other, the trailer alone was beautiful and showed them being so domestic in tune with each other, so precious.

i think if someone were to say that vmin aren't soulmates in any other space but this jikook space, there would be a target on their back and possibly risk being doxxed (/j but also /srs).

the main time i can think of with soulmates was friends from mots7. of course their friendships go beyond instagram posts and we have zero clue how often the members actually see each other, but vmin divorce was a thing on twitter last year for a reason. they really were not sharing about each other publicly.

i find vminkook interesting nowadays. because i think jikook make it obvious that they choose each other (often when jimin is nervous or uneasy he chooses jungkook, i.e., 2021 birthday live, beyond the star shoot in his appt). but tae still chooses jimin (and now often jungkook) as his go to in bts. never forget "jimin-ah i like you the most." even still, the fandom hooks on to vmin and hasn't let go for years.

my hot take is that there's a little something different in jimin's relationship with jungkook, despite him holding strong relationships with every other member. of course folvlowing jikook for a while will give you that viewpoint, but ot7s leaving jikook out of discussions and posts tells that they know their different.

i completely forgot about all-nighter friend, and i think that's because i could find bigger words to use in relation to them. their commitment in each other is so obvious it goes beyond hanging out all night.

thanks for the ask! i, of course, agree that the travel show will only deepen our perception of jikook and let us into their bond just a little more :'), i can't count how many times i've watched the trailer, im just too excited.