#im pissy at my roommate for no reason

[slutdge]

my brain for no reason randomly at 8 pm:

[doctorcurdlejr]

Coming down from my meds is the worst part of my day </3

[officialmollymauktealeaf]

I forgot how fucking terrifying my father is when he's angry and now I'm shaking yeehaw I'm gonna throw up

[multiplefandomsblog]

your roommate hcs are so cute, can i request for naib, demi, tracy, andrew, kurt, patricia, and victor?

:0 holy crap yes! I’m so glad you enjoyed the roommate hcs!! Me and the other mods hope you enjoy these! Thank you for requesting :))

(i added melly because why not? lmao hope you don’t mind.)

Part 1!

Naib Subedar

This man deadass didn’t know you were living with him

Even when people told him about it, he wasn’t rlly paying attention and didn’t rlly care

Your stuff in his room? He thought it was his or someone just broke into his room and left it there

When he saw you on the toilet however, he just freaked out.

“Why the hell are you shitting in my room!?” “Your room? I’ve been living here for 2 months!”

Once he found out you lived with him, he made sure you knew what was his and what was yours

also, since he’s very protective of his things-- you being one of them-- he would totally get jealous if he caught you tallking to someone that wasn’t him.

he would probably give you the silent treatment and act like a pissy baby

He hates it when you touch his stuff

especially his photos, the photos were special to him because they were of him and his army friends.

You’d sometimes catch him looking at the photos with a longing in his eyes, it was highkey sad.

having you live with him meant lots and lots of training

he made sure you were always prepared for matches and that you don’t get downed early

when you got downed early however, He would scold you but he would still rescue you anyways because he’s soft

“You’re such an idiot, you’d better do better next time! Or else I’ll kick your ass.” 

one time he got cocky while kiting because you were watching him

he forgot to turn on his elbow pads and face palmed into the wall.

“...You saw nothing.” He turned around, a bit woozy from hitting his head on a wall. He flipped the hunter off before stumbling wooshing away

When you first get to know naib, he’d probably come off as intimidating and menacing

but once you get to know him--the real him--, you start to understand that even though he may be tough on you, its because he wants you to be the best

he has good intentions

During matches he’d let you handle yourself and made sure you didn’t rely on him too much

One time you needed to shower but you ran out of your shampoo so you used his.

When he questioned you, you simply responded “What? You don’t need it anyways, you’re bald!”

He didn’t rescue you the next round.

should’ve seen that coming

though he forgives you when you braid his luscious long existent hair for him

Kurt Frank

The amount of times you almost stepped on this man is astronomical.

he would constantly be in his tiny form because he would lose a lot of his things

his tiny form helped him find his things easily

Though when you first moved in with him, you had no idea what his ability was

so when you first saw a tiny version of your roommate you thought he was just a weird doll

until you heard him say a tiny, “Hey can you move your ginORMOUS foot? You’re stepping on my book.”

You fucking screeched and took off your shoe to try and kill him

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

After he explained to you about his ability you calmed down a bit and spared this tiny man but only this time!

Frank loves books, he probably filled your shared rooms with stacks on stacks of books

You’d often see him tiny, waving at you while you’re decoding

Once you overhead Kurt arguing with First Officer over who was the rightful owner of some sort of treasure map

They fought for days,

kurt would constantly complain about it to you

turns out it was just a game on the back of a Cereal box.

sorry this is short like kurt

Tracy Reznik

Would be a little awkward at first, but the awkwardness slowly fades away when you both make bad jokes

she gives me childhood best friend vibes

Has her doll sitting in the corner of your shared room room, it’s lifeless eyes scare the living shit out of you in the dark you try not to make eye contact, afraid it’ll curse you or smth

if she was mad at you she would move the bot in a way that looked like it was flipping you off you off in your direction before you went to bed.

Always making little robot things that are super fun to play with

Loves sharing her things. Has no problem with it

you wanna wear her clothes? sure

you want to wear her underwear? evEN BETTER-

Pulling all nighters, trying to get her machines to work like how she wanted it to work.

Would live off of kraft Mac n cheese and junk food in the modern day

Pretty hyper, chugs pink monster energy drinks while pulling all nighters, also, in the modern day

would probably be a bruh girl

Her room is a mess, covered with blueprints and scrap metal

her room is practically a safety hazard

Sometimes she dresses her doll up a bit, putting wigs or her old clothes on it (which scares you half to death)

Once she made her doll dress up like her

and you almost went up to it to ask what it wanted for dinner.

Has a photo of her and her dad

You never wanted to bring it up, worried it might make her upset :(

Sometimes she’d feel really guilty about being downed in the first 30 seconds

please comfort her, she feels super bad

She always relies on you to rescue her

She gets really happy and thankful when you body block for her but she still gets a bit concerned when you do it randomly

“i wasn’t even kiting-” “Protecc the mecc.”

Demi Bourbon

Always out at the bar

Smells like alcohol constantly

tipsy 24/7

she’s never 100% sober

You have to hold her hair out of her face when she comes back to your shared room to hurl

Likes bringing back hard vodka or weird flavoured alcohols back for you guys to get wasted try together

Room is bit cluttered, but she doesn’t have much in her room since she’s always out in bars or matches

Usually latches onto you like a parasite when she’s drunk.

it gets a bit awkward when her face is a bit close to yours,

“Are we about to kiss right now-? BLeurghgrhgherrgh.”“...*audible sigh*”

You’d go to her expecting her to heal you like a normal person but no

instead she shoves dovlin down your throat

She likes to do your makeup, and always adds a matching beauty mark

unless you don’t wear makeup, then she’d ask you to do hers 

always loves how she looks afterwards

more than sometimes demi would get into bar fights, 

so you know she’s about to throw hands when she starts takes off her earrings-

10/10 would fight for you <3

She’s gives me cool wine aunt vibes

Probably a lesbian too (check out our Demi smut fic ;))

Or bi, idk

Just straightn’t

She’s really good at hyping you up, especially when you’re taking shots

“CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-”

Andrew Kreiss

Would be very shy at first, opens up a little when you get to know him

Totally a night owl, can’t sleep at night from all the guilt and “what if’”s

if you see this baby awake at night, hug him, he really needs it

You’ve never seen the other side of his face

How does he see with hair in his eyes?

He’s albino, which is super dope

Sometime you fear he’s thinking about burying you

You always see him thwacking Luca with his shovel

Barely talks

Room is moderate

He doesn’t want you to find out too much about him

He may seem bland, but he loves sweet food

You’d bake him cookies and other sweets

He’d act as if he’s not embarrassed and brush it off

“Are you blushing?”“No, I-I’m sunburnt.” “On your face?” “....I stare into the hot red sun sometimes because it eases me.”

to keep his lie going, every time he catches you staring at him he would fry his eye balls by staring into the sun until you left

partially the reason why he can’t see well

When he’s not looking, you stare at him while he’s eating the stuff you made because he looks so happy :’)

One time you found him down in the dumps so you made him a cup of coffee, and when you handed it to him you said-

“Depresso espresso?”

*sniff* ”..are you oka-” “IM NOT CRYING, YOU ARE”

he actually cried

it was such a nice gesture(?), that he started ugly crying

You’d ask him if he wanted hugs during matches when you see him get stressed

He’d be flushed and kinda confused

hug... him? why tho lmao

he’d definitely agree tho, to be fair, with some hesitation 

if y’all ever cuddled in bed, i feel like he’d be a little spoon

poor boy needs the comfort, he wouldn’t mind if you wanted to be little spoon tho

he just wants to be close to you

Victor Grantz

You love playing with his dog, Wick

Super nice and polite, but a little guarded

The type to be too afraid to call people out when they do something wrong but would totally trash them in his head

You write him little letters everyday and leave them on his bed to make him happy :))

He’d a be a little spoon

Wick would always join you guys while cuddling

Kisses would be soft and gentle

Usually sends you the first letter in matches

Loves to cuddle

He bb 🥰

You always get him a birthday present AND a Christmas present

You also get a gift for Wick

He loves giving you surprise hugs

Likes to read with you while cuddling

Literally a cinnamon roll

Once he was eating a cinnamon roll

And you whispered

“C a n n i b a l i s m .”

He was very confused

and kind of scared- were you going to eat him?

Patricia Dorval

Room always smells like herbs

She could literally smoke weed and you’d think it’s some magical healing herb

it magically makes you feel better

Always there to stun the hunter when you’re ballooned

The mature one

Her room is organized, with boxes labeling what herbs and magic stuff that are in them

You were cooking dinner for the day and you accidentally used one of her fancy herbs in your soup

She didn’t realize until she tried the soup

She wasn’t mad just disappointed

She lectured you on how you shouldn’t touch her stuff or use it for cooking

Gotta admit tho, the soup was pretty good

she acts like the mom everyone wishes they had

totally the type to be like, “dude we should think this through.” before doing something risky

and then five seconds later, “cowABUNGA MY DUDES”

one time she caught kreacher leaving the mens washroom without washing his hands

seeing as she was the mother of this manor, she had to protect her children from diseases

so she yeeted her monkey skull at kreachers head, cleanly knocking him out

and everybody cheered.

Melly Plinius

When you heard melly was going to be your roomie, you couldn’t have been more excited.

you finally had a victim for the many insect pick up lines!

So you decided to make some good first impressions by waiting for her in your room.

so when she arrived to your room and greeted you, you happily greeted her back, and slipped in the pick up line.

“Hello, my name is Melly. I believe I will be your ro-?”“Yeah nice to meet you too, say, what do bees make?”

She kinda thought you were a bit rude so much for first impressions

“...Erm, honey?” she replied hesitantly

“YES DEAR?” 

... okay maybe you weren’t thaaaat bad.

after that she kind of developed a teensy crush on you 

so it was hard living with you because of her crush, since she was constantly flustered 

you loved her reactions, she constantly got red.

it was funny watching her try to keep her cool and fail.

[sapphicambitions]

hey! hey! why do you hate the television format??

Ah yes, thank you for reminding me

I would like to state for the record before we begin that this is my personal reasons for not enjoying the format of television and not “why television is bad'' because im sure there's many people whose reasoning for liking TV is the same as my reasons for disliking them. please dont get mad at me if you disagree lmao

I feel like the short answer could be: “I have a degree in theatre and i prefer books” 

But really i hate the fact that the story is subject to change via outside forces.

In a well written play or book, there is a beginning, middle and end. It is a complete story that has been well thought out and woven together. Every detail is important and makes sense dramaturgically. You have your characters and your plot and nothing about that changes. We’re taught in Theatre School (TM) that the playwright is the first artist, and everything goes back to the playwright’s words. The story cannot change because of outside forces and it will not change over time. Once a book has been published, it is done. And yeah in theatre, a play can be done by many people with multiple interpretations of the story but it always goes back to the playwright’s words as they are the first artist and it is about honoring those words. Yada yada. you get it.

TV is always subject to change. Actors leave because there was drama on set or because they have other projects to work on. Writers change and the tone of the show changes. Or they go to a different network and the show changes. You never know how long the show is actually going to go so it could be cancelled in the middle of an important plot they never got to wrap up or the show could extend past the original plot idea and the seasons get more and more ridiculous as they’re just trying to come up with shit to do so they can keep the show running.

Like supernatural, which went on for far too fucking long and just kept spitting out nonsense when they could have wrapped up in season five.

Like the Vampire Diaries, where the main fucking character Elena Gilbert left the show (which was ridiculous!!) or when her little brother Jeremy was just like written out of the show and then never talked about again like what the hell

Like Timeless, which got cancelled after two seasons and left so many loose ends (they had to like, beg for a movie to wrap everything up) 

Like the Magicians, which just, like, sigh. Y’all know. I don’t want to get into it. Y’all know. 

Hell, even Parks and Rec, with Ann and Chris leaving the show. If Parks and Rec had been a book Ann would have never left!!! Never!!! 

Characters get pregnant because the actors who play them get pregnant and suddenly THAT’s the plot line of the season. (Wynonna Earp, Brooklyn 99, The Office, How I Met Your Mother, Sex and The City, Bones, Friends, The Big Bang Theory, Once Upon A Time, Charmed, The Vampire Diaries, Parks and Rec, Grey’s Anatomy, The X-Files, Yes I Looked Up This List To Prove My Point)

If an actor breaks their foot then the writers have to change the plot. Everything about the story is subject to change due to outside forces and that might be a selling point for some people but i do not vibe with it!! 

And also, you’re watching the story unfold over the course of time and something could change halfway through the season and they abandon the really cool plot they were working on to suddenly set up a way for them to kill off the main character of the show. (okay apparently i do want to get into it with the magicians).

Like call me a snob but i like a concise arch! Something that the show is working towards, the story that they’re telling and the thesis of the show, and the end goal they’re working towards. I just honestly don’t like the “stories wrap up in one season and will we get another? Maybe? Okay yes we will so let’s come up with a new big bad for the characters to fight who’s got ideas” or like if you get seven seasons into a show and they’re like “And here’s my long lost sister that ive literally never mentioned before but we needed something exciting for the plot so here she is!” like i hate that shit. I know my old roommate loooooved when TV shows pulled twists like that so im not saying it’s bad writing im saying I personally hate this style of writing. 

I just keep throwing in these disclaimers so no one gets pissy at me lmao 

I think what caused me to realize and put a name to these feelings was watching the Schitt’s Creek Finale. I love Schitt’s Creek because it feels like one concise story. The characters all grow and develop and have an arch and at the natural conclusion of that arch, the story wrapped up. I loved that shit. It was a game changer for me. Any other show would have kept going and the tone of the show would have been totally different and frankly im glad they wrapped it up when they did and as they did. It was a perfect ending. 

I haven’t really watched the Good Place but I’m told similar things about it. 

Avatar the Last Airbender which we can all agree is the greatest show ever written had a clear plotline throughout the whole series and a goal they were working towards even if they did have side plots, it was all building up to one endgame. And it was stellar. 

I also recently rewatched parks and rec which is one of my favorite shows of all time and i do truly love it but like the whole point of the show originally was that they were gonna build a park and there were times in the show that they just totally forgot about that goal to work on other storylines until they were like ANN’S LEAVING WE GOTTA BREAK GROUND. That’s annoying! And once parks and rec started getting really popular and making more money they were able to be like “let’s send them to england! France! DC! Scotland! San Francisco! Let’s bring in Michelle Obama and Joe Biden and John McCain and Madeleine Albright! Which like all of that was really cool and some of the best parts of the series but also just another example of how the show changed over time as they got more name recognition and money. 

Also lmao i just had the thought that it doesn't really matter what community did because the point of that show was to be batshit and they succeeded spectacularly. What a good time. Just had to add that in there. 

So yeah that’s why i hate the television format because everything is subject to change from the plot to the tone to the writing to the characters and a lot of times there isn’t a clear narrative arch as they’re just coming up with nonsense to keep the show going and i just don’t vibe with that. 

So if i hate the television format why do i still watch it, you ask? You never shut about tv shows on your blog and yet here you are declaring that you hate them. What’s up with that. Well, the answer is simple. I have major FOMO. Also lmao quite honestly i just recently came to these conclusions and put words to these feelings during the quarantine so after 23 years of being pissy at tv shows all the time i honestly probably will watch less of it. I probably wont stop completely tho. Ive already said that im not gonna watch tv shows with queer characters until the show is over and its been confirmed for me that the show treats its queer characters and viewers with respect and dignity and i stand by that. (It’s the only reason why ive started to watch black sails.) im for sure never watching another cw show again. I have literally never finished a CW show because something has happened in it halfway through that pissed me off so much i never finished the series

So that’s my opinion does anyone also feel the same way? I feel like im crazy

[btaffy02]

“Friends”

This is a draco x reader fanfiction. I used she/her pronouns and nothing too “serious” happens. I hope you like it! Sorry for incorrect grammar and also italic writing is your thoughts.

“y/n?” You turn to your right so see draco greeting you. You're kind of caught off guard by how handsome he's gotten. He's a bit taller and his hair sits almost perfectly. “Hey! I see you've lost the hair gel. It took you long enough.” You say. He pulls you in by your right sleeve for a hug. “Haha very funny y/l/n.” Draco has been your best friend for as long as you can remember. Your families were always close so you two kind of grew up together. He's always had a special place in your heart but you can never determine if the feeling is romantic or if it's just because you care for him. He pulls out his schedule so you two can compare and see how many classes you have together. He rolls his finger down the papers and counts, “1, 2, 3… I guess thats it. Three classes together. I suppose it better than none.” You nod in agreement. You guys head into the great hall so the first years can get sorted and you can all feast. Of course, you sit beside Draco. He's kind of your anchor. You just follow his lead mainly because you're socially anxious but you also just want to stay out of things. You don't want to be the center of attention.

You've never really been the talkative type ever. You're just average. Your grades are fine, your looks are fine (though you'd never admit it outloud), your parents are still together, you only have a few friends. There's not really anything special about you, but you have something they don't, him. After dinner you say goodnight and head your separate ways.

A COUPLE OF WEEKS HAVE PASSED

As much as you hate to admit it you've found yourself staring at Draco frequently. And for the most part, no ones noticed, until today that is. “Miss y/l/n am i a bore to you?” Professor Snape slams a book shut.

Uh oh.

“Ye- i mean no sir.” You respond in panic. “Oh I am? Well maybe detention will be less boring.”

Ugh youve got to be kidding me. Detention? I'll miss my only free time with Draco.

You frown. Draco snickers in the distance and Snape turns to him. “You too Malfoy.” He continues teaching. Draco smiles at you. You finish the day and go to detention like you were ordered to. 

IN DETENTION

Lucky for you detention is pretty relaxed and you're hardly monitored or checked on. You sit down and whip out your herbology homework. It's easily your favorite subject and you're very good at it. It's actually introduced you to Neville Longbottom who has taken a liking to herbology studies. You consider him your friend but you aren't close. Your thoughts are interrupted when you notice feet walking up in front of you. You look up from your book to see Draco in his typical black turtleneck. “I know why you have detention.” He says. “Uhm yeah i wasn't paying attention in class.” You say confused.

Oh god did he see me staring at him?

“Yeah right, you were staring at me.” “What? Full of yourself much?” You joke with him.

I didn't think he could see me.

“I mean what's not to love.” He raises his brows. “Omg, in your dreams.” You give him a little shove. “No, but im in yours.” He winks at you and smiles. You both laugh it off. The conversation is innocent but it actually means something to you. You love little flirty jokes and whatnot and no one does it better than Malfoy. The rest of detention is pretty boring and you guys make small talk and he helps you with potions and spells but nothing else really happens. When you're dismissed he walks you to your common room and says goodnight like usual. You're pretty restless because you don't know what to think

Do i have feelings for Draco Malfoy? Do i even have a chance? I mean he knows pretty much everything about me and i know everything about him. I could never tell him how I feel though, I don't want to make things awkward. 

You stay up an hour later than usual but decide your thoughts can wait till morning.

WEEKS PASS

It's been weeks since detention and ever since then things have been different. You see a different side of Draco and he's a bit more “friendly” to you. You don't really think much of it and just wait for things to play out.

Most people think Draco is snobby and closed off. I beg to differ. He puts up this like barrier between his feelings and the world so he doesn't seem weak. I blame Lucius for that, I've honestly never liked him. He's a bit strange and expects too much of Draco.

You can 100% say you have feelings for him now. Though it pains you to say it's true. Day by day your feelings have grown stronger and so have his. Or at least you think, you can't really speak for him but he is more flirty than usual and less pissy in general. Tomorrow is October first, it marks 10 years of friendship with Draco. 

Yes, I remember the date and everything. Not that he would remember because it probably doesn't mean much to him if he even remembers the day you became friends.

But it doesn't matter because this is something for you to celebrate and keep to yourself. Whether he notices or not you know you will be happy.

OCTOBER 1ST

You wake up to the scent of your roommate's apple cinnamon candle slowly burning. 

Today is a good day.

You think to yourself. 

Nothing could make this day bad.

Well you were wrong. In all today was not a good day. Nothing super bad happened, it's just little things kept going wrong. You failed a test, you tripped on multiple occasions, and one of your only friends, neville, got sick. You don't come out and say that today has been a bad day because you so desperately wanted it to be a good one. School has finished so you head to your room to chill out for a bit. You grab a notebook and begin a sketch to take your mind off of things. You hear a knock from the door and get up to see who it is. You're a bit shocked to see Draco standing outside your door. “Bloody hell- shhh what are you doing here you could get into trouble.” “I need to talk to you about something.” He says. “Is it that urgent? Im not really in the mood.” You look around to make sure no one sees you two. “Yes it is. Let's go somewhere that I don't have to look behind my shoulder every five seconds.” He grabs your hand and you walk to the stairs to get some privacy. 

What's going on? Is he in some sort of trouble or does he just want to gossip? It's probably something to deal with Potter. He absolutely despises him. 

“What's wrong?” You're actually a bit worried. “Uhm- nothing. There's something I need to tell- give you.” “All right. What is it?” He's never given you a gift before. Not even on your birthday. He pulls out a small box from his pocket and gives it to you. You smile at him. “Happy friendaversary loser.” He says while he smiles back at you.

He remembered. He actually remembered. I'm so happy I could scream. But he didn't have to give me a gift. I feel bad, maybe i should've gotten him one too i just didn't think he would remember it.

You untie the bow on top of the box and open it. Inside the small box was a bunch of extremely small flowers and a necklace in the middle. 

I'm not the type to usually like the whole necklace cliche but for some reason with him it's different. I'm grateful for anything he could give me.

The necklace has one single charm of a serpent with a small diamond flower attached. “Thank you!” You fling into his arms and he wraps his arms around your waist. You're absolutely ecstatic and a bit shocked all at the same time. You were expecting maybe a chocolate of the sorts but not a necklace. 

What does this mean?

“Do you like it?” He asks you. “Oh absolutely! It's beautiful, and wicked, and I love it.” He looks a bit nervous but you can see some relief when you answer yes to his question. You stare at the necklace for a bit before you actually pick it up. “Here I'll put it on for you.” He takes the necklace out of your hands. He moves your hair out of the way. His hands are cold, but you find them comforting somehow. He wraps the necklace around you and hooks it into place. “Thanks.” You turn around and smile at him. You're so close you think you can smell his cologne. “Y/n can i confess something?” He looks into your eyes.

Blimey does he feel the same way? I'm nervous, what if he tries to kiss me, am i ready for  that? I need to stop freaking myself out. It's not going to help anything.

“Sure, what's on your mind?” He takes his eyes off of you and looks around the room. “I like you.” You're a bit confused on how he means it so you say, “Well i like you too.” He looks a bit annoyed, “No I like you. A lot. I have all school year. I don't know what made me realize it but I did. You're so beautiful and confident-”

I'm really not but I won't interrupt.

“-and you light up every room you walk into. You know me better than anyone and i don't know if this is overwhelming but i just had to say it. I understand if you don't like me back i just-”

Is he serious right now. Of course I like him back. I more than like him.

Before you can even let him finish or gather your thoughts you put your right hand on his face and pull him in by his shirt with your left. He's a bit shocked but then puts his icy hands on your waist. The kiss is good. A long time in the making but good. 

Holy Sh*t! Did I seriously just do that? Wow who would've thought I could do that. I never want the kiss to end. I could kiss him a million times again and again. 

When your lips finally part he makes a funny face by lifting his eyebrows and widening his eyes. You laugh. “I like you too.” You don't even notice you've been smiling for the past five minutes and you don't think you could stop smiling. “Bloody hell i hope so.” He puts his hands in his pockets and smiles at you. It's one of the few times you've seen him genuinely smile in a really long time. You finally got what you've always wanted, to make him happy.

-thank you for reading <3 sorry it was so short.

[virmillion]

.

[breathingwithdifficulty]

this has been a rough season for holidays, i think. mostly because of my mom (also partially because of my dad and the fact that he’s got a whole ass fiancee now that im still lowkey trying to come to terms with but). i haven’t seen her in months. before labor day, and now it’s thanksgiving. i don’t feel like im particularly missing out on anything really but its just kinda a bummer to have that sort of pressure and loss floating around during the holiday season, yaknow? i already kinda feel weird about the holidays at the age that im at now that my parents aren’t together but them not being together and me not talking to my mom kinda just exacerbates the whole thing.

the last time we texted was for me to ask her for a picture of my insurance card so i could go to the eye doctor, and that was the beginning of october. she hasn’t asked me about my thanksgiving plans, hasn’t invited me over, hasn’t said anything. and part of me feels like she’s waiting for me to reach out, which, well, i could, but like should i have to? i feel complicated about it. because the last extended interaction we had was a text conversation wherein i told her off for drunk texting me and being pissy about me not visiting her while im in town. i ended up ignoring her for a couple weeks until she texted again about my grandma and then i responded and told her she hadn’t heard from me because i needed space. and something about that makes me feel weird because she never said anything to it. like literally nothing. and i wonder if the reason (or, well, part of the reason) she hasn’t asked about thanksgiving is because she’s still trying to give me space?

that’s what half my heart says - the half that is probably thinking unrealistically about it. but the other half is much darker and says she hasn’t reached out because she doesn’t want to - she’s done, she’s fed up, she doesn’t want to see me for thanksgiving. maybe she ashamed? or irritated? or depressed? or maybe she really does has some misplaced sense of needing to give me space, i don’t know. it just makes me feel weird and twisty inside - like i need to reach out and if i don’t then this whole gap between us is my fault because i didn’t communicate the fact that she can reach out clearly enough. which sounds ridiculous now that i write it out. 

like, it can’t be entirely my fault that we’re not talking because if she really wanted to see me, she would ask. i mean, she would, right? i think so? but she hasn’t so that raises the question... why doesn’t she want to see me? there’s some little girl inside of me that’s crying and seven years old and eleven years old and watching her mom leave her while she sobs and it’s making me sad. i shouldn’t be reflecting on this so late - i still need to shower and i have to get up early but fuck it’s hard not to think about when im alone like this.

i don’t miss the my mom of now. that’s the hard part to explain to people - my sister, my dad, my therapist. i don’t even really miss my mom of the past either, which is harder to explain. i miss my mom of the before. when things weren’t great but i was too young to realize that they weren’t great so it was fine. because now even positive memories i have with her have been tainted because i realize what was going on in the background (and, sometimes, even, the foreground). and now i don’t have any space to make new memories like that because it almost feels like our relationship has been irreparably damaged. like i don’t feel comfortable hugging her. i can’t speak freely. her home is not my home and she doesn’t know my friends or my classes or my people or me. and it’s like i don’t even get to teach her. 

my best friends of 3 years still haven’t even met her. the friends she has met in the past (for the most part), im not even friends with anymore. she’s never been inside my car. she’s never seen me move in. she hasn’t met my roommates or been to campus or met my dads fiancee or this and this and this and that and it just feels like i am a new person. and yet it still feels kinda like she’s trying to fit me into this small box of her tiny girl and im just fucken not. im grown now. not really truly, but getting there. 

i wish i had a better relationship with my parents. i know this post is about my mom but thinking about her makes me think about my dad because i miss the him of before too. i miss the him of the between - when things were good between him and i really felt like he was my rock but i also had almost all of his focus because he hadn’t met his fiancee yet. now it just feels like a competition that im losing.

god im spiraling. my chest feels tight and now im so much sadder than i was. i went to a friends house and hung out there for literal hours (a weird thing sense she lives with so many people and we almost always just hang at my house) and it was so quietly baffling to experience how welcoming and supportive her mom was. like she had her moms undivided attention whenever she wanted it. like yes they bantered and teased and bickered and it was fun and made me laugh a lot but her mom also listened to all her little pointless stories and even asked questions and she even turned to me and offered food and snacks and drinks and advice. like she literally sent me home with a container of rubbing alcohol because we spent 15 mins looking at my infected ears. she looked up piercing places online for me. she gave me food and care and obviously i didn’t say anything excessive then but now im literally crying about it and i would text my friend and tell her that her mom being nice really means a lot but me and her aren’t like that so i won’t. but i really hope she knows because it really does make a difference especially to me.

and now im crying.

there was a lady on campus giving out free mom hugs the other week before break and god when i say it stuck with me for days. i don’t even feel like i miss my mom because i don’t miss the her of now but i miss the her of before and i feel like i will truly never get that again and it breaks my heart every day. i miss my parents.

3:18AM

11.23.22

[sellieellie]

wow. lots has happened.

bella and i were the only ones to get drunk on friday and we actually just sat in our friends car for most of the game. we had to have someone come pick us up. when i got home i was tired so i went to bed and woke up a few hours later in the middle of the night and i was absolutely devastated. i had just realized that i wouldn’t be sleeping in that bed again for awhile. i was starting to become homesick. i got up and sobbed and my sister found me and tried to help out. we watched a movie and went back to bed.

on move in day, i moved in and my parents were being kinda pissy but i decided to stay home that night. i went back to school the next day but cried before i did. a lot. i just felt so out of place.

after classes started things got a bit better. and bella was still here for my first week so we got to do things on my birthday and stuff.

we went to the art museum with will on my birthday and that was fun. everyone said happy birthday to me except for connor and spencer which really upset me. idk they could’ve just shot a quick text but whatever.

on friday i showed will and bella around campus and then connor called and said he was home for the weekend. so we picked him up and went to see bella’s dad play in his band. we brought alcohol in and got drunk there but didn’t get fully drunk until we got back to bella’s house. it was fun. connor and i are pretty back to normal now but bella doesn’t seem to think so. the next day we all hung out still until the night and then we dropped connor off at home. we then dropped will off. bella dropped me off last and said she’d stopped by my house the next day to say bye.

the next day i had to go to a lunch that my sister was hosting but i was silent the whole time. i was just dreading the goodbye. when she picked me up i wanted to cry so bad but then we started talking a bit more and it got easier. it’s hard for us to cry with each other if we aren’t drunk. she dropped me off at my house and we had an awkward hug and said goodbye. when i walked into my house i started sobbing. it was so painful. then i remembered i left my backpack in her car so she had to come back and i got to say bye again. but that was the last time i see her until halloween(maybe?) and if not then, then thanksgiving. it hurts so bad. i’m so happy to see her do what she’s always dreamed of but i miss her so bad and i’m scared she’s gonna find someone better than me.

i’ve had a really difficult time adjusting. i have three roommates and two of them stick together while the other is always either on the phone or not at the dorm. and i’ve tried to be friends with them. but they never invite me to do things with them and always make plans in front of me without asking me. i have never felt so lonely in my whole entire life. i thought i’d make more friends in clubs and classes but i’ve yet to get any numbers or snaps. the broken ankle definitely doesn’t help either because some of my classes are twenty minute walks.

i keep hinting to people that im gonna transfer and im still holding out hope that it’ll get better but im not sure it will. i just forgot how much i need my friends. the reason i decided on my college is because it’s so close to home and i would be able to see my family but im realizing it’s my friends i miss the most. i’ve spent my whole life with my family. i need to branch out and be with the people who can shape my college years.

im also just seeing everyone else going out and having fun and im pretending like everything isn’t as bad as it actually is. but in reality i speak maybe ten sentences a day at most. and most of the sentences are less than five words. i just feel so isolated but im so extremely embarrassed about it because no one else seems to have that issue. all of my friends and family in college are thriving and i just go to class and the library. i don’t know how much longer i can romanticize it. i feel like im a shell of who i was this summer.

im also just so drained. i share a room with three other girls and there’s almost always someone else in the dorm. it’s so annoying. i just want to be alone sometimes but i never am. and it’s kinda funny because i don’t want to be alone at the same time. i think what i’m trying to say is that if i have to be lonely, then i’d rather be alone too.

idk. it just really fucking sucks. it’s only been two weeks but i just don’t see things looking up. i want to transfer so badly. but i also don’t want people to think that i’m just giving up. but i also have to put myself first. i’m going to give it another month or two and if it still sucks then i’m just gonna start the transfer process. my family said they’re glad i chose not to go out of state but i might transfer where i was going to go originally. idk. we’ll see. i just can’t keep doing this because it’s taking a huge toll on my mental health. i don’t know if i’ve ever been through such a difficult period of change. i’m just sick of suffering.

the school is also just so fucking huge. it’s one of the largest universities in my country and i’m not sure why i thought that would be a good idea for me?? i’m looking at a smaller university that a few of my friends go to (will, isaac, and connor) and it’s about a two hour drive from my home. i’m also looking at a school out of state where jason goes and bella is close to. we’ll see. idk the only time i’m really happy these days is when i think about transferring. but i’m taking it a day at a time and i’ll see if it gets better. i’m hoping it does but i’m not sure that’ll happen.

my friends text in our original group chat sometimes but not always. bella and will text in that group chat with our high school friends a lot but i’m not in it. it makes me really sad because i want to hear from them as much as possible. but whatever. i’m not gonna be somewhere where i’m not wanted.

that’s it. life sucks so bad right now. but it’s just the next four months i guess. i hope. bye.

[youareunbearable]

Im venting please ignore!!

ok so basically after living with my roommate jordan for coming onto 4 years now i can say like OFFICIALLY hes a dick like i know this bitch, i know how he acts, how fake he is, and hes annoying af, childish, and sometimes really toxic but what the fuck ever i still call him my friend and im living with him and im just WAITING for him to move out cause im done with having to deal with him and his selfish ass

THIS TIME whats bothering me about him is how he picks fights and how he argues. Jordan is the type of bitch that NEVER mentions something until he blows up at u, come stomping in the room all angry with his aggressive posture and yelling voice. and im not saying im better cause im a doormat and let ppl walk all over me and basically dont mention things that really annoy me until its like the final straw and im im crying on someone, but i also bitch!! I love to complain so if people are actually listening to me that know what is really bothering me just from how i complain EXAMPLE: im complaining about how i have 3 big projects coming up next week and a midterm so im stressed and busy, so instead of going “damn u are busy but im going to invite our friend over anyway but im also planning on not being here for most of the day so you have to entertain her cause shes basically coming over for you anyway” MAYBE DONT INVITE A FRIEND OVER IF YOU KNOW YOU ARENT GOING TO BE THE ONE TO ENTERTAIN HER???

anyway, my new issue with him is that whenever there is an argument, and im arguing my case, i tend to explain my reasoning. so the problem this time was that his room is really hot and that the thermostat needs to be not put so high. this was not an issue that needed to involve me cause i like the house cold but know my other roommates dont so i dont even touch the thing and just open a window. SO he was having this arguement with our other roommate and he came in a ll pissy and angry and they started to argue in the kitchen, but thank fuck cause my other roommate basically was an adult about it and told him to chill and talk about it instead of yelling and im like u go bitch from the other room. so he i guess wants me to side with him or whatever cause like i said im a doormat and tend to agree with ppl i like and blah BUT SURPRISE BITCH I LIKE MIRIAM OVER U and this “my room is hot stop doing things with the temp” is a long standing argument because he doesnt open his windows or his door to air out the room. so i calmly mentioned, since he was trying to bring me into the argument by blaming me for having my windows open that it triggers the heat thing and turns the thermostat on, that if he opens his window the circulation will make his room colder and since his window is fixed now this shouldnt be a problem anymore AND HE BLEW UP AT ME SAYING I WAS BEING CONDESCENDING AND SNOBBY AND IM LIKE WOAH WHAT?? and it was because he thought i was saying that i think he doesnt know how circulation works??? and im like no im not saying that?? im just giving examples for my point?? shut the fuck up and im saying it calmly and im not being condescending cause if im gonna be condescending u WILL know it cause ill basically call u an idiot and sneer at u like how have u managed to live this long in society u doorknob??? BUT SINCE IM NOT A BITCH I DONT DO THAT and i just argue my point cause im used to ppl throwing my ideas in the garbage or telling me i dont know what im talking about because HELLO I WAS IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP FOR 4 YEARS THAT SERIOUSLY DAMAGED MY SELF ESTEEM AND SELF IMAGE AND YOU KNOW THIS CAUSE YOU WERE MY ROCK DURING THAT FALL OUT AND IVE TOLD YOU ALL ABOUT HOW SHE WAS ABUSIVE YOU PIECE OF SHIT ALSO IM USED TO PEOPLE NOT THINKING MUCH OF ME BECAUSE OF MY RACIAL BACKGROUND AND PEOPLE THINKING NATIVES OPINIONS ARE WORTH SHIT AND YOU ALSO KNOW THIS CAUSE OF HOW MUCH I BITCHED TO YOU ABOUT MY HIGHSCHOOL LIFE AND MY PROFS IN UNI

-sigh- im just so DONE with living with him, like hes just in my life and hes not helping and he doesnt seem to care and hes not being a great friend and sure i could be asking a lot of him emotionally or whatever but i dont think i am??? i mean were friends who live together and have been for four years so is it too much to ask that he KNOWS and REMEMBERS important parts of my history that could explain why i do things? i do for him, i know how he works and why and what make him like the way he is but he just CANT seem to pull his head out of his own ass long enough to do the same for me

[djdsagalagweg123123123]

okay so

weird rant time because i just need to type and get all of my emotions out

something ive been thinkign about alot if how fucking sick i am of how condescending my roommate is., she always thinks she right and loves to make me into a caricature of myself. shes thinks she knows everything but goddamn she is an idiot when it comes to anything outseide of herself. shes lowkey classist, racist, and slut shaming. 

i was complaing about . a girlw ho would share her notes . with me and she said it was she probably saw me fall asleep in class.... what???  why are u assuming that i f ell a sleep??? also i was in office hours?? i just needed the answer to the problem the professor just erased goddamn. 

we were talking baout h ow our . high school was changing their admissions policy so that kids from underrepresented neighborheads and schools would have a better chance of getting in and she was hella pissy because “it makes getting into the school less special” girl,,,, getting a good education shouldnt be exclusive. and she was like “i dont think its fair because our parents worked hella hard to get us into sports and push us to get a good education so we can go to a good high school and good college. these other kids shouldnt be given an easy pass because they dont work as hard as we do. they should have gotten better grades and have a better sob story for their essay” theres a lot to unpack there but u bet im not about to throw out the whole suitcase. bitch what?? some people arent lucky enough to have parents who can spend so much time on them and u think thats reason enough to not let them get the best education they can?? and what the fuck was the sob story comment about?? jfc she needs to get her head out of her ass

i was talking to her about this girl on my instagram timeline who went to a prolife march and was  holding up a . sign that says defunded planned parenthood . and she said “well duh i bet shes holding it up to be ironic” bitch what??? literally what was the thought process???

she was talking about how she wanted to go to a rave but she doesnt want to do drugs and she has such a problem with what . girls wear to those raves.... im so done. 

shes . a nice person and we have a lot of laughs together . and as roommates . we get along v well butg od some of the shit she says

ugh im living with her next year and five other girls and i hope it gonna be alright. 

im super super outspoken (but not enough to bring this up to her face) and im def the most liberal out of all of these girls

i wanna write a story about this dorky awkward actually kinda ugly nerd guy who falls in love with this super edgy and cool girl and think shes his manic pixie dream girl and she likes what the fuck who are u

[zhaoly]

and like... i think i mightve figured out why my roommate ALWAYS has the heat on, sometimes past 80+

I saw in her room one day and she.. doesn’t have the bed made??? As in she is just sleeping on a bare mattress. there are literally no sheets on it. I have no clue why and I also definitely would not trust these mattresses but I’m just like why????! And really I don’t have much patience for the heat being on for some reason like that ESPECIALLY when it’s starting to get hot outside, like who keeps the heat on in spring??????

Like if the reason you’re cold is something easily fixable (put sheets... on your bed?? get a comforter? I just dont understand) then no I’m not going to suffer through hot, stinky, pissy air blowing into my room. My god. My window is like permanently open bc of the smell so I KNOW the weather is really nice outside, it’s still a little cool since I guess it’s morning-ish BUT IT IS DEF NOT COLD AND WHY IS THE HEATER ON. im gonna wait like 5 mins or something and then go turn it back off i really am suffocating in this nasty smelling air. i hate it so much and it’s honestly making me cranky as fuck living in this fuckin filth, stepping in dog piss, etc etc.

we live in georgia ffs it’s. not. cold