#im only really sorry to myself for this one lmao
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ON THAT NOTE ALLOW ME TO TORTURE ALL THE TUMBLR VETERANS
#rain#doodles#homestuck#this is a high effort low quality shitpost my specialty#therian#im only really sorry to myself for this one lmao
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Happy Birthday to Ferdinand von Aegir!
I actually made 33 emotes, affectionately known as Aegirglyphics to some, for my own personal use on discord. However, I figure why not share some of them! They're free to use for discord servers/icons/pfps or whatever. However, my only request is Do NOT use them as subscriber emotes on Twitch. You can make them free follower emotes but you are not to make them locked behind a paywall.
#fe three houses#ferdinand von aegir#discord emotes#i thought long and hard about this bc idk the actual want for emotes i made ages ago but#i still love my son and its his bday ad so i should be nice and share#since i no longer have nitro and can no longer use them myself#the fact i can technically post 30 at once was tempting but#some of them arent living up to my standards and also just might not be easy to use in most contexts#so those im gonna skip on lol#whoever wants 21 aegirglyphics tho have at em#i think i might have posted some before? but only 10 and i dont recall which ones#if you want a secret the last three and the middle on the second row are my favorites to use#i used concernednand (the upper one) so much#the internet concerns me guys it was a valid use every time#debated sharing heartnand but honestly the world could benefit from it imo because gotta spread that love#fun lil trivia i love making emotes and so when i was in a server and people knew me as the ferdinand fan and artist#someone was like why hasnt salmon made a ferdinand emote yet#and im like bc i dont run the server and i cant just demand they add my art#and then a mod was like i didnt wanna put pressure on salmon but i thought about it so i was like bet#and then drew a server exclusive happy ferdinand emote#and that was the start of me somehow being able to have like.... ten emotes in that server#some of them were just me joking and then mods encouraging me#cause i used to use felix for every single art prompt theyd give and one week someone said the prompt was pog#and i just was so upset because dude why would i wanna draw felix for that hes not pog#so a mod was like hey if you make a pog felix emote we ill add it to the emotes here#so i once again was like bet and then posted it and then they really added it lmao#anyway sorry for so many rambles please feel free to use them on discord in whatever server#i cant really expect everyone to credit me but also im not really concerned since i fear people know my nands a mile away
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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this is a test
#i’m bored i just wanna see how many words i can put in the tags like will it just keep going on forever or will they stop me like i know th#the tag limit is 30 ok so the iindividual tag limit is 140 characters that’s actually so rude i wanted to keep going forever and see how lo#g this could be but i guess we can do this 30 times ok what the flip should i talk about hm i was playing the guitar today but i rage quit#ause the song was hard and hurting my fingers! ermmmmm it was sunny ok this is boring let’s think of more exciting things to type hmmm acco#ding to all known laws of aviation- jk i’m not doing the bee movie script but can you imagine i think that would be funny hmmmmm words i lo#e podcasts so bad that’s a fact no one has ever know before my blog definitely isn’t all about audio dramas the people are definitely not a#ready aware of this jesus christ this is only the seventh one of these this is actually quite a lot of space i underestimated how much i ha#e to type btw there’s probably spelling mistakes in here somewhere or autocorrect has been annoying but i cba to retype anything so i don’t#care lolllllllllllll how do you feel about oscar malevolent i feel a normal amount actually (lie) yk what i really miss sam and colin alrea#y like i’m actually not okay i really hope we hear from sam again in s2 and also colin ngl i hope ur in the computers soz or not dead miss#im like a bastard my paranoid it king ok erm im running out of things to say um heartstopper s3 was crazy good i cried lmao i love gay peop#e so much it’s crazy i hope it gets renewed for s4 i need to reread the comics lowkey and the books they’re all so talented for being so yo#ng it scares me ngl !!!!!! the tmagp hiatus is getting to me slightly like february in reality is soon and not that far away for how podcas#ts go but seriously how am i supposed to live until then without knowing what happened. please colin be alive. ive only just realised i can#use fills stops. sorry that’s made everything a bit messy. i should’ve been doing this before. whoops. anyways. hi mutuals i love you all s#much i hope you enjoy my rambles and shitposts cause i enjoy yours very much! never think you’re being annoying i literally don’t care be a#annoying as you want posts as much as you want i am ur biggest fan <3 im getting a bit fatigued from typing like my mind is blank basically#now it’s just turned into a. stream of consciousness but i don’t really have any thoughts to put here idk if we’re halfway ermmmm omg it’s#lmost halloween how crazy is that time is flying by i kinda forgot it was october lmao. it’s wild how it’s basically almost christmas. like#what. that’s illegal. how is it wintertime again. what the flip. i miss summer already take me backkkkkkk. i hope my phone doesn’t crash or#smth cause i’ve not saved this as a draft and i cba to do any of this again. maybe i should save it. ok i will when i reach the next tag bc#ok it stopped me but i’ve saved it and holy jesus it’s a lot of text im just sat here giggling there’s really no point to any of this other#than me being bored sooooooooooooooooo (imagine if i just did the letter o for every character wouldn’t that be crazy) so wait there’s 140#haracters and 30 tags so what’s 30 x 140. someone hurry. i haven’t done maths lessons in two and a half years i’ve forgotten everything wai#let me get the calculator app ok im back it said 4100 characters so. i dont know how many words that roughly is but its. a decent amount. o#what the flip why am i wasting tag space with maths. i hate maths. my screen time has been actually soooooooooo bad recently like damn some#one put my phone in a block of ice please joshua gillespie style. my mind is running out of things to say. do i talk about myself. im james#im 18 which is weird cause wdym im an adult go away. ive run out of facts. i love podcasts and procedural dramas that stupid firefighter sh#w is my life unfortunately. i think chappell roan should be the queen of england instead of king charles. i dont like having a king cause#ho needs men in power not me. ok um this is the last tag equal rights for all. yolo. the time will pass anyways! thank u boredom ok bye gn:
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i wonder what's gonna happen if go crazy when i open commissions and just say i'm gonna draw only cowboys for it i know it's like. very specific lmao😭 but i just keep thinking..... what if.......
#barghest barks#it's a weight of freelance job on my shoulders#and some “rules” that are “there” but not really#and technically... we live one life right... on a small rock in space...#right.... nothing matters anyway so why not open very specific limited comms for cowboys only#i get if no one will commission that but im thinking thoughts lmao#i make better art when im motivated not only with money but also inspired by something personally#maybe that's the thing#my last english speaking braincell died sorry idk how to express myself
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working with children really will make you examine your thought processes and emotional reactions like nothing else. I've found myself being so much more thoughtful in my daily life about how I respond to my emotions and environment, as well as the reasoning behind why others behave the way they do
#yesterday i got really frustrated and overwhelmed at one point because this one little girl keeps getting really upset when she cant help me#like shell ask to help and i wont have a task (or ive run out bc shes already helped) shes capable of so i tell her that#and thank her for being thoughtful and helpful. admittedly the first time this happened i was really frustrated w her already#bc she had made a huge mess doing something i told her not to do and then didnt want to clean it up and she only came back#and asked to help because her friend had been helping me. so i was like girl. you didnt even clean up the last mess#but i also had nothing for her to do. anyway she started screaming and hid under a table so then her friend did it sith her just. because.#idk kids will see their friend freaking out and they do it too. and i understand it but my god. i dont deal well with really loud noise#and she did it again yesterday. i let her help me and then i ran out of tasks and she started crying and saying i never let her help#and for some reason there were like 6 other kids in there all wanting to help so then several of them started freaking out#and i could not handle it. i literally told my coworker like im about to cry right now lmao#and later the little girl was like wanting to hug me and talk to me and acting like nothing happened and i found myself wanting to withdraw#like i was feeling like i wanted to avoid her and not speak to her or be cold but i also knew i didnt want to treat her that way#and i took a couple minutes by myself and thought about why i felt that way‚ what the effects of that would be‚ and how the kid felt#and i really just had to remind myself that she was feeling just as many emotions as i was but that shes only had 6 years#to learn how to manage them and deal with them in a productive way. she wasnt trying to upset me. she wasnt trying to make me mad#she was just dealing with her emotions in the only way she knew how. and im an adult and if she can get over it i really need to get over it#long ass tag story sorry
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I was gonan make a post apologizing for lack of regular art but I feel like jts already clear im sporadic and in and out of it bc chronic pain and circumstances. So for now I'm gonna hibernate, get my health steady again, deal with money issues, and art will happen when it happens.
#i do feel kind of worn down by it. i wish patreon and commissions didn't feel so taxing even with accommodations ive made for myself#maybe it'll feel better in the future when less is going on but rn it#places this barrier of management in front of art that makes it less relieving to do#cause there's always a part of my brain reminding me it needs to serve a purpose and needs to pay off in some way#which isn’t a new feeling for artists obviously. maybe doing it all since hs js also why it's tiring. and patreon changjng the way it does#working part time now too. idk if maybe id like to step back from it#it's abnormal that i worked taht hard and it did help me get out from my parents and stay out. but im also tired ect#idw let people down by not being able to keep up with a self imposed expectation or#be irresponsible and remove sources of income for myself. redbubble inprnt and patreon all suck in ways that bother me hugely#i only really enjoy itch.io at the minute#not to say anything bad abt patrons or commission clients you've all been excessively kind and patient and understanding always#i wish i could make them better i feel like there's no way how it is at the minute is of value compared to my output as an older teen#but yknow. self imposed worry. im just worn out and id like to just make things without the management and the fretting and the#i havent made a comic post for patreon in ages or this or this i havent made a speedpaint or a song or#yadda yadda lmao#sorry for the impromptu ramble#this isnt to say id never do commissions or a store or anything again or i want to not make money off art#god knows i will need to be grinding out comms once im well again but ex#i feel like im getting less and less able to manage it and then putting out less and less#and hoping ill somehow get very healthy and active again one day and make it worth the wait yknow.#it's not a feeling i want my art to carry in me.#part of me and the parent in my brain is saying it'd be selfish to give up income but the rest is like#that's cruel. i want to feel good and healthy
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At which point did you realise that the plot of IW is ass? I've seen people complain only about the ending or the halfway point where the teams separate, while I was already actively rolling my eyes like four-five chapters in
i think the moment i fully accepted that IW's story was. Definitely A Story was the moment ebina announced 'bleach japan'. like i think leading up to that point i was thinking to myself 'oh i hope i see X happen' or being like 'i wonder where this is going' and that sort but the proverbial bucket of ice was definitely that moment
#infinite wealth spoilers#snap chats#what reaaaaally hammered it in too if it wasnt obvious already was the execution of the jimas/daigo like that still irks me LMAO#i cant even remember what chapter that happened in i just know when it did i was utterly pissed#i think i started to take things less seriously once bryce entered the picture but thats only because of how distracting his VA was#like much love the JP voice actors who try to speak english and japanese but i just cant act like it's not incredibly distracting#esp when the character is supposed to be white yk what i mean- or at the very least their first language is supposed to be english#typically i can look over that thing if its a one or two time kind of deal but he had to speak in english much longer than others#im just rambling about bryce tho this aint bout him. i mean he could be a part of it the cult was executed really sloppily#it might have been the introduction of bryce actually ... i remember thinking to myself 'oh brother' with the whole messiah thing LMAO#maybe it was when kiryu told us his cancer cam from radiation instead of. smoking 💀 ESPECIALLY not even five chapters in#like straight out the gate you just wanna drop that on us mr I Can Do Everything Myself I Cant Worry Others ok#thats a post for another day tho im EVERYWHERE#POINT IS this is not about Retrospect this is about First Impressions and memory warps over time#but i know for a fact i found the bleach japan thing utterly ridiculous and was squinting at the plot the entire time thereafter#like ive said this a million times at this point but although i love IW for it's gameplay (pardon some nitpicks like lack of shortcuts)#its story really feels so messy and had much to be desired. which is so sad after the wonderful stories rgg has been making since 0..#BUT OH WELL im still excited to replay it in english. god willing i ever get the time#i still wanna finish lost judgment <- isnt even halfway through the game#and i wanna do a fun stream Maybe with YK2 but ill get into that when i get into that#if youve read this far. thanks LOL id say sorry for the novel but thats what we expect of me at this point
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ok really struggling to find balance i think i might log off again till thursday, you know the drill, queue keeps ticking you probably wont even notice im gone
#if you notice anything its probably just oh thank god theyve shut up lmao#nyxtalks#im sorry to keep vagueing about my mental health all the time#i cant let myself talk about it properly because i become a monster when i start#theres a reason i have no proper friends#theres a reason i have exactly one person who talks to me from before i started this account (and its someone i didn't talk to at the time)#i cant talk about it but at the same time i cant keep it entirely in#or i can but only under complete isolation#i cant explain that but i feel out of control. i need to let it out somewhere or it festers#i don't know why it matters i struggle to perceive people as real#do you really exist?#jesus. i should really go harass the nhs for mental health support#i want to be better#i dont want to put in the work. i dont think im worth it#if you read this#i am so sorry. why am i like this
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...
#ever sit like a corpse in your own body?#im doing a job i wasnt designed for. theres this funny thing we do in academia where we beg for money. write in consise phrasing why we#deserve funding. what it is about our project what it is about our personhood that makes us deserving. what we're doing in our present to#give back and ensure a better future. and i can pull together a description of a nervous kid who couldn't read but loved to learn anyway.#who didnt kno how to hold proper a conversation until college and so tried and got better at ppl. who wouldnt let a language problem get in#the way of information gain. who cares about making complicated info visually digestible. and that's a nice story. but it falls apart when#projected into the future. what r u doing for the future? im just trying to continue existing#dont u want to help other ppl like u? sure but i dont have anything nice to say to them. does it ever get easier? no. it probably never will#ur brain was not built for reading. sometimes things r just terrible and u have to accept that. develop a crippling mental disorder or do#something where u dont have to read. see. not helpful. bad attitude. im just too full of blood and broken glass. all my achievements r#stained red and it hurts to look at them. to get myself to function i have to squeeze so tight i can feel the strain in my head. and even#then its not enough. do u kno what its like to spend ur whole life building something only to watch it burn to ashes in front of u? just a#broken machine rotting away underground where no one will see it. but dont let things fester. speak up if somethings wrong. and say what?#lmao i wrote this last night and then today when my advisor was like: hows it going? do u feel like u have enough time to get everything#done? and i had the gall to be like *voice strained high to prevent crying* its alright i think ive got enough time. bc yea technically i#think there r enough hours in yhr day that if i really tried i could get it all done. but that doesn't count the time i spend laying with#thr absolute desolation of my mind. so no. there isnt enough time bc im not doing well. but there's nothing he can do abt it so ya kno#whats the point in talking abt it except to say ya sorry im such a wretched miserable person. i dont kno how to fix it. my enthusiasm is#hidden under layer upon layer of pain. i burnef out before even getting here and im only making it worse#but whatever ill see my therapist Tuesday#unrelated
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not ready to go back to work tomorrow but luckily im so not ready that my brain isn't letting it fully process and so im just kind of numb except for little moments when the panic breaks through again
#feeling more and more like a robot and less and less like a person the emptier my life gets#the future is so empty like its just work and isolation forever#i have one thing left at the end of this week and then after that its just work and family and alone#and i think numbing out completely is really the only way ill be able to cope at all#i didnt used to really be able to do that but maybe now im to the point where i just have to so its become an option#idk i also might just be lying to myself and be about to get hit really hard with how bad this all is tomorrow#job interview friday. but plausibly i dont think i can take the job even if i get it bc i just dont think i can move to nyc#i just feel like ive hit a dead end#like i was a side character in someone elses story and that person has moved on so im just like floating in stasis#bc my part of the story is over i wrote myself out of their lives so i don't really exist anymore#idk my brain is telling me all these things that i know are silly but feel so true and i just am tired and empty#sorry to be dramatic and complain again just dreading work so bad#i just dont see any path forward thats not this forever loop like i cant make or have real connections with other ppl#and thats whats supposed to make a life real and worth living#but ive never had the capacity to connect right and ive never had passion for anything and ive never been able to really love and be loved#and i dont know how to fix any of it bc honestly i dont think any of its fixable#ill always be an emotionally harmful drain on anyone i think i love and ill always be left when they realize that#and then ive just hurt another person and i dont want to be a person that just hurts people so i cant be around people anymore#but its so empty and its so lonely and i hate myself so fucking much#anyway. i sound like a pathetic whiny teenager lmao sorry i know how stupid it all is i promise
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perhaps i shouldnt say anything bc im not caught up but that imogen design..... hmmmm.
#the art is gorgeous & i love everyone elses designs. i dont want to insult the artist. moreso laura probably (sorry laura ily)#i liked imogens OG design so much bc of the slight cowgirl/indiana jones vibes but still obviously fantasy adventurer it suited her so well#i know there's a lot of 'imogen main character' discourse floating around & i kind of agree but i think the only reason why what theyre#doing w her rn is semi-working for me is bc they play up the 'cursed chosen one' aspect of it. i love cursed chosen ones#& her design plays into it. western adventurer aesthetic showing her more practical personality + the magical girl vibes#this new design is giving like. average MMO generic sexy mage playable character. u know what i mean.#its not even giving magical girl minus the sailor moon circlet thing. big sad.#also arent they in wilde/mount. isnt it cold there. girl u are going to freeze.#love how this is the thing im critiquing on lmao. i think for the most part i have gotten over the critiques i have of c3 like. emotionally#the plot and stakes critiques u know#knowing vaugely what happens has really been helpful. i have time to process the stuff that i dont like and get over it lol#so when i actually get to those parts i can try and. ignore the flaws and just enjoy myself. has been working so far#bee watches c3#& ive been having fun redesigning imogen even tho im not up to that part yet!#i need to get better at. drawing in general. so
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okk, I've been at a major blank for the castle infiltration chapters I had been writing. Normally I just write whenever I get the inspiration to, though it's been almost 2 months now and I still have absolutely nothing for that story. I do not think I'll continue that story; if I do, it probably won't be anytime this year. I do have a new hyperfixation and story idea though so that will probably become my whole blog. I'll start posting about that soon!
hopefully
#i had been so excited for that castle infiltration story but ive been so unproductive on it for so long now#everytime i think of it i just think back to how unproductive ive been in general with life and stuff at the moment#its made me really hate thinking about that story which sucks because i really loved the characters#and i had big plans for the story and everything#this stuff just happens though ig#and at least i have a new story now that i can direct my attention to#that way i can feel at least a little bit more productive#really hoping that i don't give up on that story idea too#i didnt even think that i liked writing that much until i stopped#and realised that it was kind of the only thing i was using to validate myself and feel productive so im not just wasting my days#i guess im probably setting myself up for disaster with that#i seem to have this really big fear of not being productive with my time while everyone else around me is#i feel like ill just wake up one day and ill be like 10 years older despite having accomplished absolutely nothing#only being able to 'show off' things that i did when i was a kid#im trying to break that mindset but it may be a while#for now ill just keep writing#sorry for the massive rant in the tags it wan't supposed to be that long lmao#not writing#castle infiltration#ok thats enough tags
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drawing is kinda nice actually<3
#ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ idle chit chat#still hav a lot to learn but tbh i’m content w my current skills hehe#IDK i’m at that point where i just genuinely enjoy the process#sobs my drawings used to take like . 10 hours minimum back then but now i can complete a drawing in 2-3 hours :(<3 if i hyper focus on it ww#i want 2 branch out more and draw something more than just characters looking pretty :3#since i’ve basically mastered how 2 draw the human body now i think it’s time 2 suck it up and explore more ideas#art is just so nice tbh . overtime i’ve learned to just enjoy the process and i think it really helped me a lot#but tbh i’ve gone like 4 months without drawing bc i was so burnt out after basically . forcing myself 2 improve faster and faster#abt something that will rlly only improve over the years#i don’t want to go back there again and relearn the stuff i learned LMAO🗿#ever since i just told myself to take it easy#being an artist is hard but sometimes . sometimes i enjoy it .a lot<3#IDK ever since i was a kid i’ve always just been an art kid#i’d draw in class and my teacher would pin my drawings on our board thing where u can pin pages wwww#and everybody would just go ‘oh name? yeah she’s the art kid’#apparently i inspired one of my classmates to start drawing and aaaa my heart feels so happy when they go to me to learn fhdjnfdi#yeah :3 art is good <3#SORRY ABT THIS RAMBLE HELP IDK WAHTS GOING OM WITHH ME IM USUALLY CRYING ABT ART BUT TODAY IS DIFFERENT❕❕
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uh.
#tw death#I want to address something because given this muse of course I have several prompts in my ask box about grief#Which I used to love writing about#This kinda angst used to be my lifeline#But last summer the closest human being to me left us for good and I still don't know how to function without her#Part of me really wants to channel that into my writing and one day I will and it will be healing#But I'm still trying to survive this world without the warmth that she was#Without the first and only person who'd shown me what unconditional love means#And it's fucking hard to even think about writing it out#So I'm sorry I'm not gonna be able to jump into these topics just yet#It's not like I get triggered or anything of the sorts no it's mostly just hard to try to write these things myself#Yeah#I guess that's that.... Gonna go stare at the ceiling lmao#grief tw#death tw#bleh im emoting...#OK bye
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grrrr white knuckle grip head in hands . im learning to be patient and im learning to be considerate and im learning to approach community after a long ass period of avoidance and feeling screwed over by everyone and im trying to be forgiving of myself and others and recover and get on my own two feet and it is Going to be hard but i have to try for the sake of myself and those closest to me and for the sake of living a life that reflects my own values and boundaries as a human being. deep exhale .
#stix's epic introspection hours#smth happened recently that really changed my mindset on everything like ever (for the better dw) and#its led me to this state of simultaneous euphoria and exhaustion#im recognising the patterns of behaviour and thinking that havent been serving me and am putting the#incredibly strenuous work into unlearning them or replacing them with something healthier#and im also only just now realising how much ive WANTED but refused to ACT TOWARDS bc my only way of coping was avoidance#and its so frustrating but its like. exciting? i have a reason to care about things?#and im learning to not hold grudges against people who have hurt me. and am learning not to let my past drag me down#it feels good ultimately. it feels like ive been saved#but its also a lot to cope with and its a huge mess im cleaning here pretty much entirely on my own. i dont have a therapist rn#but fucking . one day i will be happy and ill feel secure in relationships and friendships that dont make me feel like im second rate#one day ill have the confidence to share the things i make without feeling like theyre inherently bad because i made them#one day ill be able to live without the gnawing fear that something left unresolved will come back to bite me when i least expect it#one day. one day. one day. i have to keep telling myself that#sorry idk why im telling you all this LMAO hey guyss
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