#im not trying to be deep or think ive come up with anything original. i just like exploring thought

[thegoodcultist]

Why is it in have all these deep melancholic philosophical thoughts about the development of human kind only as I literally just wake up and are unable to properly voice them ;v;

[chrliekclly]

if you ever want to talk about your thoughts on joyce .. Peeks over the corner of your blog. i love talking and hearing ppls thoughts on joyce sooo much even if they're different from my own!! and your analysis and stuff is always so well thought out

i hope u dont mind if i answer this publicly to take advantage of th request nd get my ideas out ther (also tyvm im happy u like my insane takes on these idiots, iv ben thinking abt them for almost 10 years)

i said a lot here so gnna 'read more' it

iv ben building trans charlie n my head fr, like i said, nearly 10 years. i used to view him as cis bcuz i always try to take as much frm th source material as i can wen i craft my HCs nd i had v personal (stupid) hangups insofar as him explicitly referring to his junk multiple times nd bottom surgery simply not being on my radar as a naive littl trans idiot deep in th sauce tht transmen oftn fall into w phallo being viewed so so poorly

evn still i leaned towards transmasc charlie nd always lovd moments tht let me imagine, for a moment, it being true, like his discomfort w taking off his shirt [hundred dollar baby, charlie kelly: king of the rats, the gang exploits the mortgage crisis, young charlie and mac deleted scenes, etc etc etc], or bonnie yelling abt ppl stealing her "charlie-girl" [the waitress is getting married] which i lovd to see as her accidentally misgendering him while drunk off her ass.

having grown out of my phallo issues (nd if ur reading this and u still view phallo super poorly, please do some research and grow too), ive in recent years fully subscribed to transmasc/nb charlie, and view his timeline something like this:

baby -> elementary: charlie refers to himself as a boy, doesnt "come out," simply has no idea he's afab. bonnie lets him dress however he wants and refers to him as asked. when charlie gets confused about his genitals, bonnie says his dick will grow in later lol, makes charlie wear a dress in public restrooms and tells him its just a game

middle: puberty hits and charlie gets confused and scared. bonnie puts him on blockers w.o explaining them ("my mom used to vaccinate me like every month" [the gang gets quarantined]) charlie goes on content and oblivious. STP acquired because hes "a late bloomer" and his dicks still not growing in?? weird. confides this in mac once, but he doesn't understand.

high: charlie finally registers that he's trans after forgetting theres a health class 1 day and not being able to skip it. throws him for a loop a bit but he becomes actively invested in his goals. he gets to start T and wants to have surgeries. "what guy hasnt done some extensive research on his own genitalia?" [mac is a serial killer]

college (aged): able to surgically transition (ty medicare) and continues on with life as we kno him now

joyce, imo, fits neatly into these views.

as a transmasc nb who came out young nd prefers to be seen as just A Guy by strangers, i grew up v vehemently against anything girly that might get me misgendered, but th more i began to 'pass,' th more @ home n my body i felt, th more and more comfortable i am w femininity, th more i wdnt mind putting on a dress, as long as th general public wd see me as "a man in women's clothes." n my mind, i prescribe something not exactly th same but v similar to charlie.

i see charlie "i dont really identify" kelly as afab and nb. i see joyce as a "character" he originally created to distance himself from the dysphoria of putting on a dress as a young trans boy, but that became part of him as the hard lines he drew in the sand as a child became blurry with age and self acceptance. charlie's comfort with himself allows joyce to evolve into a more solid persona, one he enjoys embodying and allowing to become a permanent facet of who he is. he's ok with being referred to as either. they're both him.

so maybe joyce comes out a bit more outside of the bathroom now.

[malewifeharem]

OHH HAIIIII!! SORRY THIS SI THE FIRST ASK IVE EVER DONE. CAN YOU DO BEELZEBUB OR DIAVOLO YANDERE ALPHABET LIST THINGY PLEABSE?!1 THABK YOU!!!1 >ᴗ<

~ MGᝰ.ᐟ

yandere!diavolo alphabet

彡- ,, yandere om! diavolo alphabet (template from @dear-yandere eheheheh)

cw ⁞ OMSWD CHAPTER 16 SPOILERS , mentions of babytrapping, violence, abduction, manipulation, just general yandere behaviour??? not proofread.

an ⁞ FIRST OF ALL THANK YOU FOR THE HONOR OF TAKING YOUR FIRST ASK??????????? i've never sent an ask cuz im too nervous even with anon mode on haha :3

Affection: How do they show their love and affection? How intense would it get?

his love for you is deep, sure, but you have to remember that he's a crown prince — he doesn't have the time to love you as much as he wishes. he tries to compensate for that by showering you with gifts originating from all three realms, all of them being worth more than your house.

Blood: How messy are they willing to get when it comes to their darling?

he doesn't get messy, no no. barbatos does! he just needs to say the word and his loyal butler will get it done, no doubt. there are probably dozens of bodies rotting in the dungeons below the castle, but that's not for you to see or worry about.

Cruelty: How would they treat their darling once abducted? Would they mock them?

i can see his duality switching up very quickly depending on his mood. he could either be gently cooing to you, almost begging for you to not cry. OR he could be really sadistic and cruel, taunting you to no end — reminding you that you are his for the rest of your life — both as a human and as a devil and angel.

Darling: Aside from abduction, would they do anything against their darling’s will?

he guilt trips you to noooooo end. what do you mean his gifts are too expensive for you? do you hate him? well, if you don't, you simply must accept them all! he gives you no room for negotiation, how could you anyway? his parents aren't around anymore, don't you feel sorry for him?

Exposed: How much of their heart do they bare to their darling? How vulnerable are they when it comes to their darling?

he doesn't like showing you his vulnerable side. he needs to be strong so you can rely on him, after all! thank god (is god the right word for him???) he's spent decades learning how to maintain his composure.

Fight: How would they feel if their darling fought back?

he would intimidate you into breaking your resolve. he would transform into his demon form and coerce you with threats like tying you up in the basement. i don't think he'd ever actually do that though — he knows human lives are fragile.

Game: Is this a game to them? How much would they enjoy watching their darling try to escape?

he takes his relationship with you very seriously. he expects you to rule next to him — he still needs to prepare you for that role, so don't you dare leave.

Hell: What would be their darling’s worst experience with them?

although diavolo would never keep you in the castle basement, he will throw you in there for a few minutes just to scare you. he did it once as a last resort after you threw a fit — locking you in one of the clean cells. you were quickly fished out though, he can't risk having you go around and finding the corpses of the people you know.

Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

he wants you to rule devildom next to him so marriage is a given. having heirs is up to you but he will be very disappointed if you say you don't want any — he may even consider baby trapping you at one point. he probably gives you etiquette lessons too, making sure you know your role in the near future.

Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?

he gets very jealous but doesn't want to admit it to you. he'll find excuses for getting rid of your close friends and family — you've heard some absurd reasons before but you don't dare question him.

Kisses: How do they act around or with their darling?

very very affectionate. he likes to keep you around him as much as he can. whether or not that means resting in his bedroom, lounging in his office while he works or sitting on his lap on his throne. he's shameless too, he'll initiate pda anywhere and anytime he wants.

Love letters: How would they go about courting or approaching their darling?

he cant decide if he should properly court you or just claim you as his immediately. he is the prince of hell, how and who are you to say no? he ends up choosing to court you instead but he runs out of patience eventually, and just abducts you with the assistance of barbatos.

Mask: Are their true colors drastically different from the way they act around everyone else?

although you'll most likely never see his true colors, he's literally insane. if it weren't for his amazing composure, he'd be lashing out at everyone and everything for even breathing the same air as you. you've noticed him tense up to the point where he's almost shaking from rage. (he's gonna pop and burst like a balloon eheh)

Naughty: How would they punish their darling?

if it's a light sentence, he lightly slap your face and remind you to obey. if you've done something horrendous, he'll lock you in his room till you've learnt your lesson. he's sick, while he carries on with his day, he imagines you clawing at the door, begging to be released from your confinement. (i dont think it wld get that far)

Oppression: How many rights would they take away from their darling?

you're not allowed to go out of the castle grounds. the gardens are still available to you but anywhere outside of the fences is a no no for you. you're not allowed to talk to any staff and angels except barbatos. he and the brothers are for you to use at your disposal, feel free to work them to the bone if that's what you wished.

Patience: How patient are they with their darling?

you may mistake him for being patient since he's quick to forgive you for your insolence but no. he's not used to not getting what he wants immediately, but he will forgive you easily. (aka he's impatient)

Quit: If their darling dies, leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on?

death isn't an escape for you, it doesn't matter if you're reborn as an angel or devil in your next life — he will have you either way. screw harmony between the three realms, he'll start another celestial war if it means he can have you.

Regret: Would they ever feel guilty about abducting their darling? Would they ever let their darling go?

he doesn't feel guilty at all. he has never been told no before in his royal upbringing and he feels entitled to have you to himself.

"only a fool would let go of a girl like you."

Stigma: What brought about this side of them (childhood, curiosity, etc)?

his mother passed early in his childhood and he hasn't seen his dad in decades or even centuries. no one around him is comfortable enough to talk to him normally till innocent you arrived in the devildom. you're too precious to him, he wants to know more about you. no, he needs to know — everything about you.

Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?

he'll gently coo at you, telling you that everything will be fine as long as you're with him. what could possibly harm you when he's the future king? (you yourself, duh)

Unique: Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?

(skip... if someone cld tell me what a classic yandere is pls do)

Vice: What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape?

if you could somehow get in contact with the angels, you could get them to rescue you. although, in doing so, you might just start a war between the two realms.

Wit’s end: Would they ever hurt their darling?

physically no, but he likes using fear to instill obedience in you. (read H)

Xoanon: How much would they revere or worship their darling? To what length would they go to win their darling over?

he quite literally kisses the ground you walk on, going as far as to collect some of your belongings to worship. he wouldn't build a shrine but he does secretly store all of them in a little safe in the corner of his room.

Yearn: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?

after the events of the first game. he was really tempted to abduct you after belphegor almost offed you though. (do the calculations yourself ehe)

Zenith: Would they ever break their darling?

i don't think he would intentionally break you, but he also fails to realize that the fear and paranoia he puts you in is leading you down the same path. (so yes but unintentionally)

[dunkledog]

his name is Feldspar and he feeds on lawsuits

Alexander Feldspar, (which is a totally real name that he didn't make up one day), is the team leader of D.A.C.S. He is... a Medic. Which is puzzling considering his medical training is not particularly extensive and his bedside manner leaves much to be desired. Some quick notes because trying to format this in a normal paragraph is killing me:

Originally from What Cheer, Iowa.

Sort of perceives his team like family, but he'd never admit it. He'd have you believe it's in the corporate "we're all one big family here" way, but deep down he definitely cares. He'd be alone otherwise.

Will do what he believes is in everyone's best interest, but he usually bases these decisions off of his own observations and biases. Thankfully, he's pretty observant and his decisions are logical. Daniel the engineer is really the only one bold enough to provide feedback (most of the team are pretty reserved people and read Feldspar as a man whose ego is easily salted. They're not... that far off.)

He can be vain. Very vain. But being drenched in blood is not something he seems to bat an eye at anymore.

Sleep? What's sleep? Amphetamines were invented for a reason.

Owns one of those long cigarette holders. Cancer the looong way

His weapon of choice is a crowbar. He prefers it up close and personal. (He's a terrible shot, anyway.) Comes in handy if doors or crates need prying open or kneecaps need busting. A habit he picked up from mob work in the early days, even if he doesn't remember it quite so well as he used to. (The Car Accident did a quite number on him 😔)

Speaking of The Car Accident, prior to it, he was a lawyer. Graduated from Harvard. Worked in New York. Saw his ol' college roommate up in Mass between cases and "errands." Sometimes head up to Maine on a fishing trip. Never seemed to... ever catch anything... ... was never married, either. That's probably not related though.

Insists on being the primary team chef. He's terrifyingly adept at making tasty meals out of canned goods and whatever fresh food he can scrounge up from the closest town; so no one really complains.

ok this is all i can think of and ive been working on writing this forever and im tired

[juicy GOVERNMENT SECRET just below the break. the CIA does NOT want you to know this information:]

haha got you this is just the feldspar ref but his hair is turning white!

He dyes it because god forbid anyone finds out he's gone white by 49 (And he vehemently avoids talking about his age. The very concept of aging just seems to disturb him, really.)

oh and plus a version w/o the coat tail for reference purposes i suppose yk how it is

ok now i post this finally for real

[vacate-et-scire]

hi!!! omg i love (blue lock) matchups so when i saw that u we’re doing one i couldn’t resist hehe ^^

i’m an pisces (or isfj if mbti is better) and i think i’m a pretty awkward person ö i over share a lot in uncomfortable environments but ive gotten a lot better at socializing with ppl i don’t know that well. i loveee to do charcoal drawings specifically still lifes or reproductions bc i lowk suck at doing anything original ^^; i play the sims TOO much, like recently hit 1100 hours

i loveee to dress girly i don’t wear pants, usually skirts and dresses only, and i have a super complex nighttime routine. i go to bed at 8 and wake up at 5 and my friends make fun of me for it all the time :,( despite liking traditionally feminine things i suck at sewing, baking, and cooking. ive burnt a frozen pizza before. i try to keep an open mindset with hobbies but domestic stuff is noottt my thing. i mostly value intelligence in romantic partners and sense of humor!! i think im a nice person but sometimes i can be a little mean, so somebody who isnt offended easily either. i love these events TYSM <3

Your Blue Lock Matchup: Yoichi Isagi

When I think about someone who could perfectly complement your personality, Yoichi Isagi comes to mind. He's empathetic and adaptable, which makes him the ideal match for someone who’s working on socializing and their own awkwardness. Isagi thrives on connection and understanding, which means he’d never judge you for oversharing or feeling uncomfortable in certain situations. Instead, he’d actively listen and offer the kind of reassurance that puts you at ease. He has a knack for making people feel seen and appreciated, and that’s exactly the kind of energy you deserve in a partner.

Your love of art would captivate Isagi. He has a deep appreciation for dedication and effort people put into their passions, and you would inspire him, even if he's never really been an art guy himself, not that he doesn't like in, no, Isagi loves art he's just never been good at it without instructions. Even if you’re self-conscious about not being “original,” Isagi would be your biggest supporter, reminding you that talent shines in all forms. He’d probably sit by your side, watching you draw with fascination, and ask questions about your process.

Your 1100+ hours of Sims gameplay?(Sorry this is insane btw holy that's a lot, as someone who plays the sims I'm impressed) He might tease you about it at first, but secretly, he’d love watching you design houses and create drama for your virtual families. He’s the type of person who’d be down to play alongside you, even if he doesn’t understand all the mechanics. He'd try and recreate his own family in the Sims, including himself, and then he'd attempt to make you as well.

Your girly, feminine style would absolutely charm Isagi. He’s a guy who appreciates beauty in the little things. Your nighttime routine would impress him, since I think he's always wanted to try skincare before, but he simply never got into it beyond a moisturizer and facial cleanser. He also keeps a rather well maintained sleep schedule, making sure your time together fits seamlessly into your routine.

When it comes to domestic hobbies like sewing, baking, or cooking, Isagi wouldn’t mind your mishaps at all. He’d be the kind of partner who laughs it off with you. Isagi himself can cook, he learned from his mother early on, and I believe this to the high heavens because he is a walking green flag, he'd love to teach you how to cook or bake since he has the basics down.

Most importantly, Isagi aligns with your values as a partner. He’s highly intelligent, both on and off the field, and his sharp thinking would keep you engaged and intrigued. His sense of humour, though subtle, is quick and clever, and he’d know just how to make you laugh, and he loves making you laugh, your smile is probably one of his favourite things ever. If you’re in a mood where you might come off as a little mean, Isagi wouldn’t be fazed, I mean, have you seen how he handles some of his more gruff teammates? His even temperament and ability to laugh things off would make him a perfect match for someone who needs a partner who doesn’t take things too personally.

[kienansidhe]

hi, im kienan! im the current host of the disaster hearts system. we are a korean american body with dissociative identity disorder and have had multiple diff hosts over the course of this blogs run. i or some variation of me have been host since around 2017-18ish. for transparencys sake, the body is 25+. do not ask abt age specifics please.

we are a survivor of csa trauma, parental abuse, religious and cult abuse, and generally very traumatized, and our experience of life is irrevocably colored by that lens.

we are disabled and unable to hold a job ever since we got long covid in april of 2020. we are fully dependent on our partners, working on our disability application, and still coming to terms with the reality of being probably permanently disabled.

unless otherwise specified it is probably some variation of kienan speaking.

-♡♡♡-

i, kienan, am queer and i prefer to be addressed by strangers with he/they/it or fae/faeself pronouns. i dont rlly care which of those you use, tho, no need to rotate or anything.

some other labels that generally describe me: nonbinary, transmasc, gnc, cuntboy, [redacted], [redacted], femme, femboy, genderweird, bi, aro/ace with a couple exceptions, sex favorable, kink obligate, freak, degenerate, pervert.

i currently have 4 partners, referred to here as prettyboyfriend, nesting boyfriend, girlfriend/daddy, and moirail.

no dni, i think theyre stupid and the only ppl i would not want to interact would not respect dnis anyways lmao. if i have a problem with you i will just say so or block you or whatever.

some of my beliefs and what to expect on this blog are under the cut.

i believe in rehabilitation and compassion, full stop. yes, even for those people. i think that othering and dehumanizing others sucks, that thoughts do not define you (yes, even those thoughts), and that the only thing that matters is your actions.

i think callouts are never helpful, ever. ive literally never seen one do anything helpful or good.

i try my best to interact with others in good faith, and i expect the same in return.

we were homeschooled in a cult and our education was heavily ~moderated~ to keep us brainwashed, and every time i think ive rooted out all the misinfo new stuff comes up. please be patient with me if i ask stupid questions, i literally am stupid. i have so much literal actual brain damage. i will do my best to be open minded, i rlly want to learn!

i believe that the best ways to combat csa are better sex education, breaking down the sanctity of the nuclear family, youth liberation (more legal rights and self advocacy for children), and not clogging child abuse report portals with fucking fictional art, jesus h christ.

medicalization of identities sucks. sysmeds, transmeds, im sorry youre miserable but thats not an excuse for trying to make everyone else miserable with you.

labels are only useful insofar as they help you connect with others like you and form solidarity in order to combat systemic oppression. if labels make you angry or miserable, consider not taking them so seriously.

its okay to just dislike ppl. its not always that deep. trying to come up with moral reasons to justify disliking ppl is rlly fucking catholic.

dont talk to me abt christianity. im aware that my trauma affects my ability to be compassionate in this area, so im staying in my lane. in fact probably dont talk to me abt religion in general.

im not a proshipper or an anti i touch grass <3, HOWEVER:

antishipping / purity politics / anti-kink / whatever you wanna call it, ppl equating fictional depictions of Obvious Bad Things with condoning, supporting, or normalizing them in real life are fucking stupid and have done unbelievable amounts of damage that has now reached far beyond fandom and kink circles. get a life, for fucks sake.

ppl who call themselves proshippers and then go around harassing antis are fucking stupid and have lost the original spirit of the term proship / anti-anti, which hinged around not harassing or harming others over fiction. get a life, for fucks sake.

just be kind. dont be a dick. treat others how you wanna be treated. we are all traumatized but thats not an excuse to be cruel. leave the world better than you found it.

youre gonna make mistakes. you just are. youre not perfect and also the world is complex. remember that you cant help everyone. try your best but dont lose yourself in the process.

art is everything. the act of creation is holy. more progress is made by creating -- building communities, making art, growing plants, building houses, building relationships -- than by tearing things down. there is probably a time and place for violence, destroying oppressive systems, bombing weapons factories, but if we arent creating a positive, healthy society alongside the destruction we are just leaving fertile ground for new oppressive structures to take root. create. create. create.

-♡♡♡-

many hosts has left a chaotic mess of tags on this blog but here are some we use pretty consistently:

#headspace: original posts. diary rambling, random thoughts, actual semi coherent opinions, anything

#my face: the body

#humans are good actually: reminders

#recovery things: mental health help

#important: there is so much stuff in this tag

#bookmark: too much here too lol

#feel better: just fluffy stuff

#vine: general funny video tag

#about, #me kin id, #i ghostwrote this post: stuff we relate to rlly hard + uquiz tags lol

#posts that are funnier when plural

[flockofdoves]

obviously there is no time that is Good or Convenient to have covid and i guess technically its good that this isn't happening to me in the middle of a time where i have more active work or school responsibilities

but also it just feels like Such bad timing in a lot of other ways

i literally Just was recovering after unrelated health problems over the past couple weeks that were making me so so fucking stir crazy i had plans to go out and really start planning my days for the rest of the summer doing things like going to rhode island again and going birding more and going to museums and stuff because i was at my fucking limit with being cooped up in my apartment recovering. but now i just gotta do that all over again for at least another 9 days from today

kinda sad about ending my summer this way. and also i'm gonna have to miss my niece's christening party when i really would like to see her again i've only seen her once since she was born :(

also there are just so so many issues surrounding my lease and roommate situation. my symptoms started on tuesday the 16th which means i should isolate til the 26th (i do not trust the new recommendations saying you can even go to work if you have covid after 5 days i think thats fucking insane and would be irresponsible of me with how extremely symptomatic i am right now)

my current lease ends on the 26th. so so lucky i don't have to move but every single thing about my roommate situation and how shes supposed to move out on the 26th is made so fucking complicated by this

because my roomate is still here the whole time i have to isolate i have to stay entirely in my bedroom outside of wearing a mask to go to the bathroom (and shutting the door and taking it off to shower or brush teeth) or quickly get food to bring to my room

and my girlfriend didnt test positive yesterday but it feels kind of inevitable considering that we sleep in the same room (and cpaps even aerosolize viruses further apparently) so its not like she can even stay in the other room for the time being while periodically checking to see if she's gotten infected

and also i put in repair requests earlier this week for issues with the apartment that preexisted me and my gf moving in but that over the past year i'd been too nervous about having maintenance come in and see how bad things were bc of my roommate until me and my gf deep cleaned last week

but the repair requests were not fulfilled within a few days and then i had to cancel them obviously once i tested positive. and so now that means i cant have maintenance fix anything til after the new lease starts... which means that we're gonna have to pay back my roommate the her entire portion of the security deposit and then pay for the repairs during our new lease for things that happened when she lived here before us...

it also kinda puts a wrench into any hopes i still kinda had of trying to reach out to anyone she knows to try to help her cat

and im sad bc i realized cats can get covid so i shouldnt even really be playing with or petting her cat over the next 10 days :(

also its gonna be so so weird bc ive already doubted that shes actually gonna move out at all and now its even more ambiguous bc like. if she ever communicated with me at all i'd find it very reasonable for her to ask to move out a little later so she doesnt have to deal with that or expose anyone shes potentially bringing to help her move or anything. but like i know shes not actually gonna communicate anything so if the 26th comes and goes and shes still here its gonna feel even weirder than it was gonna originally because i'll feel more unconfident about asserting like. you need to get out of here. when i can find a reason to understand why she'd unexpectedly need to stay a little longer

[thegeminisage]

they call it the river of the dead bc i died 10000 times trying to get korok seeds here

ANOTHER shrine in a cave on the great plateau. 10/10 i love that

i keep getting nothing but shields in chests and its starting to piss me off. i dont use them much, i havent broken a single one this whole game. give me literally ANYTHING else!!

died in the shrine when i was alllmost done. smh

DIED AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!

deeply tempted to turn around and leave but No. i'm so close

I FUCKING. GOT IT. FUCK THAT SHRINE!!!!

placed one of my travel medallions at the REAL temple of time. i never have to walk back here again lol

not that i need to come back...i'm finishing up the great plateau korok hunt right here. i have one left that starts elsewhere and ends on the great plateau but im at nearly 200 seeds rn and ive been making myself cuckoo bananas hunting seeds so i deserve a sidequest break. i'm thinking the rito bridge is a good place 2 start

BUT FIRST, MY AMIIBO! i keep foprgetting to do these lol

YOOOOOO mirror of twilight fabric!!! sexy

AND demon king fabric.....

accidentally spawned another epona. rode hr out to where the other horses were so she has community support lol

AWWW there's another monument near the great plateau...

ok, so i talked to karson in lookout landing ages back abt building this bridge. i think now they need supplies?

oh, i like how these guys refer to each other by name! i love the community feeling in totk...the way everybody wants to be a helper...

oh lmao i literally have enough wood already <3 maybe this is why they made trees enemies, to give us reasons to chop them up so we dont have to level entire forests at a time

OH HE SAID ACES!!!! good for him

SCREAM this dialogue. wings come in handy! or...wingy! don't sit your tail there, it's a support beam, not a perch! chaotic gay people <3 happy pride <3

had the brief thought "since i'm in hebra i should get some korok seeds here" no <3 not without <3 snow boots <3

which i havent seen any sign of...UGH i hope they arent still in gerudo desert...

im going to hateno!! i've been meaning to give this guy acorns for his cow feed for foreverrr

but, to do the school quest, i need to swing by kakariko first...thank goodness4 fast travel

ugh so many sidequests in kakariko i wanna do but i feel like i should wait until this 5th sage nonsense SIIIGH

ok, got the pic of the tapestry in paya's house! also accidentally saw the cuccos running by, followed them to their hideout. extremely tense trying to bust thru the rock wall with them standing there. no way was i using yunobo

BUT i was at a perfect angle to take a ring ruins pic for the stable guy!

found lasli who needs the anti-gloom stuff...UGH i hate that nobody remembers link!!! ugh and i need milk for this which i dont have >:(

well, i bet there's some in hateno and i was going there anyway lol

NAYDRA WAS HERE WHEN I SPAWNED........snaged myself a scale. UGH i can't believe they fucked dragon farming i'm in such deep shit i don't have ANY parts

acorns delivered, milk received! omg nice he'll trade me anytime.......reminds me of the rito lady trading arrows for chillshrooms lol now THAT was a bargain

got my mirror of twilight fabric put on 💪

oh man it is LOVELY. it has a nice rainbow-pearl sheen to it...it might be my fav yet

time to go appease schoolchildren

scream that link is listening in on this calamity lecture like he wasn't the main character in it without so much as a single acknowledgement of it by this dude. yet another way theyre alienating old players by trying NOT to alienate new ones

this guy talking up the hero's achievements WITHOUT ACTUALLY MENTIONING THAT IT IS LINK. this is my villain origin story

oh boy. for the next lesson i have to get monster extract from tarrey town. i have the car quest there i never finished, but maybe i should do more shrines/seeds first...

i haven't been to the depths in awhile.

that is DEFINITELY the devil (and many korok seeds) talking. actually i can decide tomorrow bc i have to <3 go to bed

[9strife]

did final fantasy 7 change my life?? absolutely!! holy smokes man, my whole life revolves around that game. i plan to play the other final fantasy games too it's just a matter of money - and that, well, i have none. the only thing stopping me from playing more than just 7 is money. not that i mind, i dont think ill form an obsession with the others like this one. i love it so much. the cast, the story, the style... it's all perfect. the perfect game for me.

its nice to see a protagonist like Cloud that i can actually see myself in, i relate to him heavily in a way that no other character has reached me before. the identity issues, the grief, the trauma, the false bravado he has no choice but to put on 24/7 because he doesn't even realise it's not him, not how he would act if he knew who he was. i get that. its deep. hits hard. it speaks to me, i relate painfully.

and Sephiroth? best antagonist ive ever come across; i mean, i know its almost all Jenova but he still had that mindset the second he found out about who he really was, where he came from, and who Jenova was. id react that way too, to be honest. even so, his design, his story, his eerie presence? its so captivating. (ill still always find his death really... well, funny. the strength Cloud somehow mustered up to hold the weight of his masamune is outstanding).

Zack too!!/ cant forget him, man. crisis core really hurt. i loved genesis a lot, wish there was more content of him in the remakes even if he is dead. i liked Angeal but just not as much as Genesis, he was so cool and ugh idk just his whole character and the constant quoting of loveless was amusing..

shipping wars fucking sucks, tho. i think clerith is alright, i can tolerate it and i actually do think it's kinda cute sometimes but overall just... no. if you apply it to real life: would you date your dead best friends ex girlfriend? the only reason she's an 'ex' being that he's dead? no... no, it's just wrong. its gross. you dont do that. thats the issue i have with it. cloud doesnt remember Zack until a while into the game, and in the original he has no romantic scenes with Aerith at all - just friendly interactions!! yeah, in the remake, it's very teased but so is cloti. its purely for shipping wars, to keep the fandom of ff7 active. the remake doesn't mean much to me compared to the og so i try not to take it too seriously. cloti on the other hand? man, i love cloti. tifa quite literally repaired clouds mind which we have yet to see in the remake because part 3 hasn't been released yet but it happened alright. she would've died before anything happened to him, she didn't dare leave his side when he was in the wheelchair. and im pretty sure they had sex under the highwind... heavily implied. i sound hypocritical saying i hate shipping wars and then ranting about it, dont i? ill stop here anyway. (i like zakkura too, and heavy on zerith.)

yeah i just wanted to express my love for ff7. everytime i beat the games i replay them in order and i never even get bored. the obsession is real, im hoping to get merch for my birthday in the summer but i know it's expensive so i can only hope.. especially since it's my sweet 16th this year

[emofrogjuice]

prozac and glitter:

going 55 in a school bus and i think im in a midwestern hell

towards the back im trying to read my book but the words are rippling like rain puddles and i cant see a thing

there’s an ache behind my eye that hasn’t gone away since i was 15 and ive got some nerve making it the reason i slept for an hour after i got home from school last night

truth is if i sleep then i wont eat. wont binge before dinner, maybe ill be lighter on my feet.

i had ice for breakfast and i know its hopeless but i wanna be skinny so bad it hurts. so im fulfilling a deep desire i haven’t addressed in two years and im trying to leave my disordered eating behind. but generational curses don’t rinse off in the shower like dirt. it takes more than soap and water to get this out of me. it’s sitting in my bones and leaking into my bloodstream.

my words are for the girls whose guts have glitter in them

whose genes betrayed them

my words are for the boys who paint their nails and grow out their hair

for the people on the midnight news with a DUI stare

something that comes from the heart

the most genuine thing i can muster

these words are for everyone

but they stick with the ones with glitter in their guts and prozac in their pillbox.

the ones who haven’t seen their therapist in two weeks and cut their hair in art class.

the ones with to do lists full of things they haven’t stopped long enough to do.

i see you

i hear you

i know you

safe to say the kids aren’t alright. my best friend is codependent and my childhood friends are smoking pot in the restrooms. my face hurts and i don’t think it’s the secondary smoke, but i can’t rule it out.

somedays im afraid ill never leave this train town. but other days im scared to leave. i need to see my grandparents as much as i can. maybe i could just live with them. i know that’s not realistic but i want it to be. because they’re the only people that will ever really understand me. and mother says they’re getting old and i can’t trust their words but i love them so much and maybe that’s enough to break the curse. i hold their words firm to my heart. i wish mom could see what i see. maybe i should let her go explore the world and take care of them instead.

my future is pending and im scared

so cut me some slack if i haven’t said the right words

forgive me if im not as attractive as i was in april

forgive me if i seem high strung

i swear im not always like this

do you still like me?

did you ever?

or was i just something to keep your hands busy?

i hate this game.

no amount of sleep

no amount of water

no amount of therapy

could change what’s wrong with me

it’s a deep rooted trait

it lives in my bones

it lives in my cells

it lives in my dna

and there has always been something inherently wrong with me

something so unlikable

something about my soul

my personality

a part of me that no one could ever truly love

because either it’s so tedious its like a tumor on their back

or because it’s so pathetic it’s painful to watch.

anyways it’s thursday and my shoes are falling apart. but i’m glad i woke up this morning. even if it doesn’t sound like it.

by: e. buckler

written 9/19/24

originally posted on wordpress under Thought Daughter Diaries

[indigo474]

Sunday funday take 2-

It rained all weekend. Fine by me. I like the rain. It makes me appreciate the Sun. The inspection for the house-my house- came back. Nothing too concerning. I am going to have the chimney inspected..again.

I started the 10k program today. in the rain, at the park. it's almost like my soul always knew what i needed. i always wanted to run. i cant explain any of it. but today i ran almost 4 miles in the rain.. i can hardly fucking believe it. it's kind of a big deal to me. my goal is to lift 3 days- run 3 days. if i have a choice, which i do- i'm running. i can't help it. i could probably lift and run - maybe something i should think about doing. I must run on the street or i am going to flop this 5k. i have time to figure it out.

I am not renewing my marijuana med card. i originally got it because i was afraid x was going to bring it up.. which he didnt. it was good i had it for my promotion and drug test- they never asked for it. im assuming i passed the drug test? I'm going to try and make a trip to get more edibles before my card expires. But yeah.. i'm done with it.. i rarely get high anymore. there is no reason for me to have it. if i want anything i can drive to new jersey.

I am so grateful for this life. I could never imagine living the life i'm living. not in a million years. It wasn't easy. some days its still not easy- i will probably always be healing. i am still that little blonde headed girl. some days i do a great job of loving myself and being kind to myself. i give myself what i need. there are days where i try and i fail. so i try again. it's amazing though - what can happen when you just keep going, no matter what-

I have another busy week. the ice queen was in monday and tuesday- drunk drunk drunk-- she was out the rest of the week. I heard she missed an important meeting in NY. It's sad. i feel sorry for her. funny i feel sorry for her but i do not feel sorry for the guy downstairs and his obvious drug addiction. i thought about that this week and i am not really sure why that is. i wonder what that says about me. why do i feel sorry for one and not the other? is there a difference? my team is ok. i have a few issues i need to address. we have a dress code. someone on my team was wearing sneakers. i asked her if she was wearing sneakers- she said no. really? they look like sneakers- no she says they are leather. oh ok. i was just checking. i actually thought it was funny. it's almost like they are kids or they think im an idiot. im not sure which. it's a lot. i'm getting good at it- ive learned so much about what it means to be a supervisor. i have 1 person i want off my team. i like her as a human but she needs to go as she is dead weight.

i finished watching the jerry farwell jr doc- it turned into a trump bashing documentary. they tried to say the pool boy was a victim.. i'm not sure i buy it. he got angry he didnt receive money and decided to come forward with his story. we wasnt a victim when he was flying first class, dining with celebrities or was balls deep in jerry's wife. he became a victim when he didnt get paid.. Paradise was rebuilt- that one was hard to watch- those poor people went through so much. i watched a good one-betrayal the perfect husband-

busy busy week. Madison turns 19 on Friday.. we were going to go to Hershey. We might still. Im not sure. I'll order a vegan cake. that will make her happy. my car is so messed up. i think i know what is wrong with it. its a matter of finding the time to get it to the mechanic.

[journeys-debut]

EP 2 - THE AMERICAN GO

Group orders!!!

I'm writing this at to 11pm bc I just discovered a group order. For Seok Matthew photocards. Based in America????

(We'll talk about my discovery of *photocards later!)

Now, I'm marginally familiar w/ group orders, bc remember, I hail from the land of Thai Drama.

From what I understood / have seen, a person who, like, has an addy in Thailand can do a group order and then send out to the ppl in the country base. I have seen these all the time for Thai merch, but have NEVER seen one for America. Maybe I should look harder and stop spending so much shipping money from GMMTV. (Lmaooo.)

ANYWAYS.

So I follow this fansite, as in, notifs on. (**FANSITES? ANOTHER THING WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT??)

Anyway, so they're reblogging a bunch of group orders in diff countries for their merch.

AND THEN BOOM: one for America???

And I look into it, I'm like aww, the slogans (again another blog post, bc? ***Slogans? Why do they exist? What are their origins? What do we use them for?) Either way I want one for the Kpop experience, but more importantly, I want to have the opportunity to purchase one irl.

For the same reason I haven't gone on Mecari to buy an adorable Matthew photocard--I want my first photocard, my first slogan--(or any "first" of an item that can be purchased at an event or traded)--I want my first experience w/ those to be irl.

****(Again I'm not only going be a Kpop girlie saving money bc she's only spending on one group but ALSO a Kpop girlie saving money bc she wants to experience things irl before succumbing to purchasing all her merch digitally.)

ANYWAY the GO. I'm shook bc there's one in America?

Immediately I deep dive and it takes me to this site and I register. I look into the GO's main account and all of the rules, etc and do my eyes deceive me THERE ARE ZB1 BDAY CAFES IN AMERICA???

I'm thinking to myself, why are these not being heavily promoted? I would take my butt to Texas.

anywayyy, so i'm SHOOK

Not only that ZB1 DOES have american cafes happening, (I'm trying to start like a north american event fanbase, when i get to like a level 5 kpop girlie, so i'll hit you up them to help with promotions).

Right, so not only SHOOK that zb1 DOES have fan cafes in america BUT ALSO group orders??? Again, ive never seen an AMERICAN one, so I'm looking at all the previous slogans that were group orders and they HAVE:

- FREEBIES (a new kpop word for me and i'm using it wrong in this instance bc these are not free)

- little knicknacks form the birthday cafe that kitten (fansite) threw that I wanted to go to. but didn't not bc I said to myself "no you can not take off work to to go to korea. i promise matthew will probably come to kcon la, and also you live in north america. he is a native, so he will come back; ZB1 will tour. save money for kcon la."

but there IS A GROUP ORDER FOR THE ITEMS so I look and i'm v picky. i don't need anything cafe themed (as in, items that match the theme of the cafe they held), bc remember? I didn't experience, i don't need it. matthew themed items tho? im in. almost got the stamp stickers, bc how cute would those fan letters be?? and then i remembered you need an international stamp and THEN realized it was not stamps, but actually just tape???

I REALLY fought myself not to get the photocards (pcs), bc they're not official pcs, so it's really only meaningful to me to have them if i gotten them at the cafe for the experience

They also had Matthew playing cards???? ADORABLE.

So I was like let's geit itttt. But I'm being super careful w/ my budget to prep for (a july event that i can not tell you about until later) and kcon la in august. meaning your girl can't spend money asap until next pay day.

But I don't want to miss out, so I submit the GO form. and then hop over and leave a little twitter msg. a little DM.

and boooooo, for very unfair reasons, i am being hatecrimed and bullied from getting--

i'm totalllly joking. for completely valid absolutey fair reasons, i'm gonna miss the group order this time.

but this gives me enough time to prepare for the NEXT group order.

.

.

.

--> I saved this post as a draft so I could go call my KPOP friend to ask her about GOs,

but BEFORE I COULD:

ZB1 ANNOUNCED THEIR DEBUT ALBUM

(a can of worms bc album??? Cafe??? But MOST IMPORTANTLY:

GROUP ORDERS. This is FINALLY my chance to group order!!! In fact, I found out about the album THROUGH the GO Post!

And YES I do want my first album to be something I go buy. Especially bc there are enough K-pop stores around that I wonder if they’ll be getting the album (stay tuned for a blog post where I call every store.)

But joining in on GO gives me the chance to specifically grab an album with a Mathew PC (I think?) and then I’ll buy a second one irl for the experience and in case there’s something tied to getting more than one (again it’s own blog post is needed here, bc fan signs? Fan calls? PCs????

WHAT IS GOING ON???)

.

.

.

.

.

.

K-POP B/LOG:

Photocards - They're collectible cards of either selfies or photos of idols that aren't released online. The first group to introduce photocards was Girls' Generation. They would only include a single card per album. With that, you'd only know which photocard you receive after you open it.

**Fansites - Fansites are extremely dedicated fans that attend domestic & international events to take HD photos and fancams of an idol. They often invest more time in the idols than in their personal lives.

***Slogans -A “slogan” can mean one of two things: a thin towel sold by the company with the group's name and design on it, which is the “official slogan,” or a banner (paper or cloth) made and distributed by fans at concerts or other events

**** A lie. A lied through my teeth here. Please see next post for context.

More ways to follow the Journey!

[gnfmoon]

Hello! Happy June! It's Pride and I have another question (7/30)

Hello hello, today we are going to take a dive into the word "Gay".

The word gay dates back all the way to the 12th century, and comes from the Old French word "Gai" meaning "full of joy or mirth". This word might have evolved from the Old German word "Gahi" meaning "impulsive", however this is unconfirmed.

This was in use for centuries to mean any version of happy, carefree, mirthful, joyful or bright, and didn't have any sexual/sexuality link until roughly the 1600s.

At that point, the "carefree" gay started being used to call a person immoral or promiscuous, and the Oxford English Dictionary defined it at the time as "addicted to pleasure and dissipations. Often euphemistically: of loose and immoral life". So, a prostitute eventually became known as a "gay woman", and somewhat ironically now, a "gay man" was a womanizer or a man who had a lot of sex with woman (especially prostitutes). This also meant that a "Gay House" was a perfectly normal way of saying "Brothel", and this is also where the word "Gaiety" comes from ("lively celebration or festivities" <- it is a common word in theatre names nowadays).

Then in the 1890s, the term "Gey Cat" ("gey" was a Scottish version of "gay") was used to refer to a "younger man in the company of an older man" or a man who offered sexual services in return for food/protection. Because of the implications of "sexual submission2 in the first definition, this phrase is thought to be the origin of "gay" as "homosexual", rather than just as "sexual deviant".

In 1951, the Oxford English Dictionary for the first time defined "gay" as slang for "homosexual", but this usage was in less mainstream communities at least 30 years earlier, specifically in US prisons and homeless camps.

"Bringing Up Baby" in 1938 is probably the first movie to use "gay" in its modern context. Cary Grant wears a lady's feathery robe in one scene, and when asked why he ad-libbed "Because I just went gay". (<- however, it is unlikely that "mainstream audiences" understood this, and likely thought he meant the carefree definition)

So, with all these definitions, I want to ask you, what makes you feel ""gay""? (any definition you want! :))

Happy Pride 🌈 🎉

what an interesting history lesson! i really liked this one. idk if anything much makes me feel gay bc it's not one of the main words i identify with but in the carefree sense it's got to be when im in a certain moment and im not worrying about the past or the future or things i have to get done. ive been trying to think of when i feel this way and it's tough bc ive come to realize that im an anxious person and i live a high stress life with the career path im in but i think the closest i come to the carefree feeling is when im deep into reading a book and fully in the world that story has built

[myshredda]

i keep trying to think what makes this fandom so different from others because this environment is so unusually pleasant and patient with bothering to understand each other. im sure a huge part of it is the format of tumblr itself with its revival and all of the friction and oldfasioned sensibilities that allow for long paragraphs that are EXPECTED to be read all the way through unlike other platforms haha. but really its more then that because i look at the odd "throw everything at the wall and see what sticks" work of emotional VENT that was the original webseries built by an art collective of all things and to see the tv show keep that spirit so well so vibrantly a whole 10 years later- and age up with the original fans with deep cuts about adult experiences... but really i think about what isnt there that lets this be one of the rare lasting fandoms with things to STILL talk and speculate over even though the season is over and the bookend is so nice that its story itself is probably done too- if it is i wouldnt mind haha. it feels so rare to see something this tight knit with its execution and still leave so much fodder on the table for things like aus that still have a feeling of authenticity to those who are detailed oriented to take on the challenge. like ive never had a work of media feel more like a writing prompt or art class then a piece of entertainment ahahaha. not to mention how deeply this speaks to neurodivergent people in the rare way that CELEBRATES diversity and gives for really nuanced advice that shows the staff have been there themselves in these topics so they can speak to experiences at a intimacy im not used to something at this scale. im mutch more used to the weird phenomenon of fetishizeing mental illness in a way that can just enable people to be worse especially if it means they can call themselves "artists" if they talk about their pain. this really feels like a community and i just needed to come and gush about it ehehehe~

back to the asks hi vex!

Yeah I definately agree that this is the most non-toxic & creative fandom I've been in in a hot minute! I think it may have something to do with how loosey goosey the actual plot of the youtube + series 4 series is! Like anything can be considered 'canon' so there's not a lot of people stressed about keeping characterization rock solid or character design rock solid (re: red being a big creature with a tail + patches/duck having glasses/yellow being a funky little guy) so there's a level of artistic freedom that's not normally present in a fandom space!

yeah literally this meme is the vibe

[hellonoblesky]

OK OK ive been thinking a lot about what you said about the fandoms portrayal of the relationship between kaeya and venti and how its very odd considering kaeya being khaenrian and venti being an archon. i think it’d be very interesting to write smth about the two and them kind of running circles around each other because they both think the other is going to do something.

on the same page, since you like khaenriah alot i wonder how you view the archons role in the cataclysm ? im personally inclined to believe they were .. controlled in a way ? not in the “oh theyre so innocent 🥺🥺🥺” because i dont think they were like. MIND CONTROLLED fully but i do think it was partially against their wills ? something to do with the gnosises and their true uses ? im sort of undecided on it still because i havent fully thought it out..

HEHEHE SPINS AROUND Also quick disclaimer I have not played Nahida's story quest yet (I. don't like her very much and haven't worked up the energy to play another like hour-long quest with her) so this is all based on information learned from the game up to the final Sumeru Archon Quest!!!

I think the Archons, initially, were summoned to quell the threat of the Abyss, and the Abyss alone. I think that despite Celestia's track record for suppressing nations that reach something comparable to their level of power (Vindagnyer), that Khaenri'ah legitimately wasn't majorly interfering with Teyvat to the point that Celestia would have grounds to step in and demolish it (like, again, they did with Vindagnyer).

(WHICH ISN'T to say that I think that Khaenri'ah was entirely cut off from the rest of Teyvat, I wholeheartedly believe that they had established trade and relations with other nations, especially because Khaenri'ah was founded on a mix of nations, so it would make sense for them to have established relations with those nations to accommodate for the variety of people. I just think that Khaenri'ah had no interest in Teyvat in terms of like, rising to power over it, which is why it persisted for give or take 2500+ years (it's definitely around the same time as Venti's lifespan, but I don't have an exact number yet). Which tracks with it being founded on people literally just trying to live without the Archons)

I think the Cataclysm was triggered by a select few (Gold likely one of them) digging too deep into Forbidden Knowlege, as Nahida said it was of the deepest depths of the Abyss, and if there's anything the Cataclysm is known for it's 1) The Destruction of Khaenri'ah and 2) The Emergence of the Abyss.

This initial surge of the Abyss, as in the Sages of Khaenri'ah/Gold discovering it and tugging at it, could have led to a lot of reactions in Celestia. If Celestia had been looking for a reason to sic the Archons on Khaenri'ah, this was definitely it. If Celestia had just been. Hangin out there and went like "OH SHIT LOL the fucking ABYSS is putting the IRMUNSIL in DANGER right now someone send the Archons" then that's. Different.

In the end, I think the Archons didn't know exactly what they were doing or the full effects of what would happen. They were summoned by Celestia, possibly by the Heavenly Principles themselves, and told to stop an Abyssal threat in Khaenri'ah.

Gold's outburst (which I still believe was originally a defensive move and not a move intended to destroy) caused the Abyss to come FLOODING through, sending the Archons into a panicked or more desperate state, leading to them using tactics and moves that focuses more on total annihilation than just getting the Abyss out, ESPECIALLY as the Curse began to manifest and people started succumbing to it, taking on more "monstrous" forms.

AND ITS ACTUALLY!!!! SO INTERESTING because from the Ruin Golem in the desert we know that the Curse may have (actually with what we know of Dainsleif and such it DEFINITELY) manifested in different ways with different people. And Khaenri'ahns fought AGAINST it. They used the machines of their nation to fend off the Abyss because it was destroying THEIR HOME. THEIR HOME WAS SUCCUMBING TO THIS FORCE BROUGHT UP FROM THE DEPTHS THAT THEY HAD NO SAY IN.

HOWEVER. I think the Archons SHOULD have made more of an effort to care for the survivors. I think Venti could have done better when handling the Durin situation (especially considering that Durin was a CHILD put in the body of a dragon and had minimal if not NO idea what was happening when he was fighting Dvalin). I think Zhongli and Liyue were in an optimal place to save and help people. I think that Ei, in her grief, should have gone to the other Archons with her questions. And I think that King Deshret and the Greater Lord should have made the proper preparations and/or proper documentation of the event.

Were they misinformed in their attack and destruction of Khaenri'ah? Yes.

Was the destruction of Khaenri'ah their INTENTION? No.

Do they understand in this day that what they did, in the end, caused a whole nation to lose itself and hundreds (if not thousands) of people to be stranded with a curse they didn't know about manifesting in them, and that the way that their nations now see Hilichurls may very Harmful? Yes.

I highly doubt that any of them believe what they did was wholly right, but I think some of them may be under the impression that, though, harsh, the ends justified the means. (Zhongli, mainly, I think. Love the guy but he WWAS the Warrior God, and the preservation of Liyue was his number one obligation).

BUT I think that Khaenri'ahns, those who's family lines survived (Kaeya ESPECIALLY, being of the Alberich Clan), do hold a (pretty rightful) hatred towards the Archons, because at the end of they day they don't know the full story (neither do the Archons, but they probably know a little more). From a normal Khaenri'ahn POV, the Archons descend on your nation, then the Abyss surges forward, and now everything is irreversibly fucked up and you've lost pretty much everything.

(Also I do wholey believe that Kaeya would like. Humor Venti as in he would be his usual cheery jokester self but at the end of the day, he doesn't like him. He's not a fan. Actually I could probably write a whole other post about Kaeya and how Mondstadtian religion probably had a hugely negative effect on him but that's like. Legitimately a whole other thing DKJFHSDJF)

[ankhisms]

eughhf ok. like. of course dont rb this bc its under a read more but

ill be ok but god i really humiliated myself at rehersal like i broke down into hysterical sobs on stage and its like i was fine for most of the day! i was fine everything was fine but then at rehersal the different people ive complained about on here before were saying some really triggering things like "ha ha why do musicals make psychos look so cool" and other really ableist things and other stuff and we didnt really get our makeup or hair done like i thought we were going to do for the costume day it wasnt how i thought it was going to be at all and the makeup person was talking about this HUGE list of things that we all have to buy to do our own makeup and everyone else was so excited but i just had this sinking stomach drop feeling because 1. theres no way i can buy all that bc of money 2. my parents are so weird about makeup even if we had the money theres no way theyd let me and it just felt so awful and everyone was just so so loud and too loud and i had to leave to go to the bathroom to try and calm down and i came back and tried to be okay and like theres a part in the show where i like am someone who holds up a tall scenery thing and hide behind it and i was just. spiraling thinking about all the things wrong with me and wrong with my life and about having to drop out as a theater major the first time i tried to go to college and feeling like a failure still because of that deep down and like its stupid of me to even want to be a tv/film/professional actor even if im passionate about it and am at least for sure a decent actor because me and my family dont have money or connections and that dream feels very impossible and just. that kind of downward spiral i dont need to go more into it. but i was spiraling and they were giving me really confusing instructions and i couldnt understand anything and i just. stopped and started sobbing. and at first someone was like "um, is SHE laughing?" but then they all realized i was hysterically fucking sobbing. and im really thankful that 1. a fair amount of people had left bc they werent needed for rehersing this part so at least not EVERYONE saw me have a breakdown 2. the main director and dance/choreo director were so kind to me and were just like no its okay dont worry but it also kind of sucked bc i had to go get my stuff from by where the two ppl who had originally triggered me were still standing. and i was still crying while grabbing my atuff and they really just ignored me to keep loudly talking about loving steven universe and fucking heathers and ~crazy psycho evil characters~ and it just felt so awful. i feel like a lot of this was partially like. things ive bottled up and pushed down suddenly bubbling up and spilling over after being triggered and just all the emotions ive pushed away coming out but also just am like. god why am i like this. i hate being like this and hate feeling so isolated and different and weird all the time no matter what group of people im in