#im not in a spiral anymore
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i think it be really funny if the reason why Shen Yuan feels he is gigachad brain in terms solving problems, being better than Shen Qingqiu, and making solutions while scoffing being like 'haha typical PIDW writing I'm so smart' isn't because he's actually trope savvy; but that because the world is based on Airplane's writing it means the world's collective intelligence cannot be smarter than its creator and intention. And PIDW is dumb on purpose in a lot of ways.
Like Shen Qingqiu sits in on Luo Binghe's meetings and offers bare bones economic theory and gets so much genuine praise and he's lording over how smart and cool he is for this.
Meanwhile Shang Qinghua has been begging the system to raise the bar since day 10. Man's taught himself so much theory and philosophy not because he's a scholar but because being in a room with people who are only as smart as you for thirty someodd years would drive a lot of people insane eventually. And you'd think having a fellow transmigrator would help but it's very obvious outside of lore man has the intelligence of shiny rock and he just can't man.
#svsss#svsss shitpost#scumbag system#scum villain#shen qingqiu#shen yuan#sqq#shang qinghua#cumplane#i don't believe this but im deeply amused by the concept#there's something about sqh's hell being made worse by it's not even just living with the regrets of his own writing#but also the collective stupid and constantly being able to outsmart all of it#like sqq is out here being like hahaha i've outsmarted the protagonist and meanwhile sqh is going 80% chance of failure#i considered which means so would binghe#i also like the idea that at the end of the book when the genre changes suddenly sqq walks in and he's not the smartest person in the room#and it just makes his poor redditor brain spiral#'what do you mean i'm not the specialist boy in the room anymore?!!!! that's not how gays works'#i think the whole transmigrated to your hyperfixation is very funny if the shameless crap you loved sets the baseline for common sense
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the shadow gathers you unto itself
#star wars#prequels#darth vader#anakin skywalker#darth sidious#every line in RotS novelization goes so hard basically#i tried to draw mustafar from memory dont look at me#vader/anakin dichotomy identity trauma stuff rly hitting atm#i. do not like when ppl act like those identities are Wholly Different People esp to ‘absolve’ him of stuff but#the dichotomy itself and why he often feels like he’s a new being separate from anakin is important to me#bc his sense of self is like. inextricably intertwined with the people he’s close to#he can barely comprehend the idea of himself still existing at all if he has no one left#so if he ends up destroying/driving them all away in a desperate downward spiral. but he himself comes out of it alive. then hes like#ok. then. that must mean im not anakin skywalker anymore. and im not a person#and the way sidious positions himself as The Only Thing Vader Has Left because he nursed that fear of loss in him until it consumed him is#hrm. what if i exploded#part of you will always lie upon black glass sand beside a lake of fire while flames chew upon your flesh etc
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#memory#as i dont have the energy to finish last nov’s oscar embroidery even tho i’m on my break but also overwhelmed about my master thesis so#im spiralling#i dont know what to do with my future but hopefuly i will still able to make one of these embroidery at least one for this year#also i have sabrivra carpenter sketches that i did back in like feb last year and it still sitting there#i dont even keep the pic reference anymore so i dont know will i ever do that piece#or just throw it away but the sketches is too good to be thrown away lmao#im torn im nonfunctioning right
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#heavier than my usual venting#im living in a lot of fear right now#my entire family is undocumented-- if not in the process of becoming citizens#i'm afraid of my parents leaving the house and never coming back#i'm afraid i'll hear that a brother or a sister have been taken#i don't even know if i'll be able to keep my birthright citizenship#we are not white passing-- most of my family can barely speak english#we live in one of the biggest sanctuary cities in the fucking country and now that's not a source of security anymore#i am in so much fear#it borders on paralyzing and i know that does nothing to help#i'm already quiet when it comes to chatting and while i am trying to push through it#doom scrolling and just allowing myself to spiral into despair isn't going to help anyone#but im working with possibly even less spoons than i already do#i want to keep creating and working on stuff since its the few things that give me joy#but its been hard to get out of this headspace#i don't plan on self-isolating or anything like that but i can already feel myself shifting into a strange sense of apathy#for a lot of things#i don't like that#it's awful#i don't want to drown in this#please be patient with me
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i like when dragons hold a lil cup and put their pinkie up daintily what can i say
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wanting to post art because i post fucking everything i draw and i love attention vs it being a big stupid spoiler for me and chestons dumb crossover au
#i can tell you this: it has spiraled so far out of hand its only partially about the toxic yuri anymore#let me put sparks in cute little outfits..... Ignore the various stab wounds [nobody knows what im talking about]#.....#maybe ill just upload it to th
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want everything to be deeply weird awkward and stagnant between langdon and mel in s2 😁👍
#the pitt#he never said goodbye and just left for 3(?) months 😔#TEN*#i feel like robby would keep the reasoning on the dl#(but obs the rumour mill will stir)#and in that 3 months mel gets into a rhythm with everyone else and has a strong bond with someone else#she doesnt go to him first for anything anymore#langdon tries to be normal bc mels probably the only one who actually still kinda likes him#but its just not the same as it was that one day. both of them just in their heads.#mel with so many questions but hes literally a stranger.#langdon feeling like hes lying to her by not telling her why he left or in trouble w robby#but he doesnt know how she’d react and he cant lose the only person who isnt secretly judging him#i want it to come out in an emotional outburst and mels like🧍♀️oh!#and then ignores him for an hour or two to Process in which he spirals more thinking he has no friends and no one trusts him#im sure mel would be understanding eventually but it takes a while to rebuild and i need it to be agonising ……#ik santos/whittaker bestieism in s2 but it would be so tragically funny if santos and mel became besties#and langdon had to come back to see his bestie and worstie being closer than ever
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Ohhhh you know you're absolutely fucked when just a tiny glance at an innocent spiral makes your cunt wet and your brain start to go fuzzy
#i used to start dropping so easy and then kinda. moved away from hypno content for a while - like a few months i think#so when i came back things that used to have me blanking out werent doing much of anything anymore#but im starting to fall back to that point i think#and part of me thinks i should stop before it does#but fuck brainwashing feels so god damn good its so hard to want to stop#anyways invite to send me spirals to look at all night <3#mine#hypnosis#hypno k1nk#brainwashing#brainwashing kink
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antidepressants have saved my life but in the way that my dad was put on them earlier this year before i was and he's an entirely different person neow. several years of it being a coin toss as to whether the house was going to have a sinister energy on any given day, undone in a few weeks and once again resembling the person i was most attached to as a child
#it hassss brought up some additional struggles. like how He's really the parent i can trust and my realization that#my nonstop death phobia spirals ive had since age 6 have not really ever centered around my mom at all lmao#how he keeps recounting his life to me now and it is not helping my anticipatory grief. its only made it worse#alas....#i wish they worked as well for me. i kind of just feel normal now which is the point but it doesn't really feel like it did at the beginnin#either...at first they'd make me actually Sleepy much earlier but now im back to making it to 5 am not tired at all...wagh#at least now i dont feel like im about to die when i wake up from my 6 hours of sleep. i guess#i know this is the ''dont stop taking them bc you feel normal bc theyre whats making u feel normal'' part#but idk i cant really notice da difference anymore other than the Lacking Sleep Doesn't Feel Like Death Anymore
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admit it. you only came back to atlanta for the hat. don’t tell anybody.
#glenn literally risking his LIFE for the stupid hat. turning back for the HAT#then rick doing the same fucking thing. like. i love them so much#wanna cry over#glenn x rick#like i don't talk about them enough or honestly spiral over them enough but rick and glenns dynamic over the show? i miss it SO bad#twdedit#m#gifs#1.04#wait also the way the hat also gets passed down to carl then judith like............. i dont even know what im feeling but its feelin STRONG#also beth that one time...................................... something bout the kids of the future somthing about passing things down#somehting bout how even when you're not there anymore.... you're still there#stupid hat. got me emo
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somewhere on this blog there is a post that goes something like "what if i just start identifying as nonbinary and don't tell anyone and still go by she/her" and that needs to be marked as the day that pandora's box opened
#ik it's my blog etc etc etc but i do try to not sad post often anymore just bc after a while#it becomes a lot akjdsjkdjk#however. this is also the closest i have to an unfiltered diary. so!#idk man ik (im pretty sure) rapid onset dysphoria is a thing or something but like#edit: the most rudimentary of google searches show that this may or may not actually be what i mean but like. 20% effort went into that#the magnitude of bad i have felt in the past week is kinda wild to me#like ive been feeling stuff softly like that for a while now w/ an increase come september#for like. reasons that ik but also reasons that dont necessarily matter rn#but it's like. less a realization and more so steps of becoming more comfortable/feeling more secure#but in that security i essentially run into a brick wall#like i joke abt whatever post i made years ago but it's like#lowk this feels like what i was worried abt this happening LMAO#like this idea of things kinda actualizing in my mind for me#but the actual capability of what i can do feeling limited#like. i have no clue what transitioning would/could necessarily look like for me#but it's starting to feel very much like: whatever it is won't happen#which ik is like. bad queer mindset 1#and then i am falling to bad queer mindset 2 of like. feeling bad that this took so long#and that i didnt put together stuff. or try more. earlier.#and that i've now like. run out of time. which ik is not true so like.#the self-awareness is here! i'm also just stubborn lmao#and like idk currently i'm just in the hell of not wanting to do the middle stuff#i just want to wake up one morning and be different AKJDFKJFDKJFD#anyways! i swear im not actively trying to spiral like every day this week#just my mental constitution is weak and susceptible to demons. and also anxiety and sadness LMAO#and as me and my roommate say. it's never too early for the guilt spiral.#also the pandora's box technically opened when i was like 15 but.#we put a lid on that and then everything came back worse when i was like. idk 19/20.
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i keep getting softblocked by people i was fairly close to with 0 warning i feel like im really doing something wrong. heh
#im probably being too sensitive. but its really confusing boundaries-wise and it makes me anxious#what if i keep losing people and i never know why. i feel like im always doing things wrong and nobody ever tells me until they hate me#i know its way too much to ask to get an explanation of why#and i know its probably not even my fault half the time and it would just make me spiral even worse trying to ''fix'' myself#but guh idk. im scared. im scared that everyones gonna get tired of me#i always feel like theres only so much time i have being liked by someone until they cant stand me anymore#whatever iii shouldprbably eat something...#awoo
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Hrrrrrnng... It's late enough that I feel safe to post these
Spiral!jun and desolation!tatsuya for my p2 tma au
+ a bit of info about them
+ characters and the entities I assigned them (subject to change)
#persona 2#the magnus archives#persona 2 innocent sin#persona 2 eternal punishment#tma#persona au#persona 2 au#tma au#the magnus archives au#persona 2 tma au#jun kurosu#tatsuya suou#spiral!jun#desolation!tatsuya#tatsuya: im not human anymore... i burn everything i touch... who could ever love someone like me#jun. who barely recognizes tatsuya anymore but still deeply loves him: 👀#tatsujun#if you squint
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Ah the siren call that is attention we meet again
#imaging making good choices couldnt be meee#one day i will deal with feeling shitty about my parents in a good healthy way but today it is not that day#its cool its fine#im not in therapy anymore so my therapist cant judge me 😎#yes i KNOW that defeats the purpose of not being in therapy anymore#but trust me i could be doing so much worse. probably#wow these tags go hard as fuck. spiraling who?
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now i know why jake peralta is the way he is. one look into adulthood and he noped right out of it. if i had money i would spend it all on candies and go bankrupt the next day.
#which is why i dont have money#i spent it#candies didnt help#nothing is ever truly fun anymore with the stress of responsibilities on your back#fuck being an adult#it feels like impending doom#its not fun#im typing with my finger in a splint because im a cosmic joke#i cant get snacks anymore and im spiraling with the weight of yesterday's crazy fucking shenanigans#and i don't even have chocolate milk#or a new 5 star memory on love and deepspace#shitpost#adulthood#adulting#b99#brooklyn nine nine#jake peralta
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