#im not comfortable with online therapy

[anxiety-banana]

Being an adjusted adult means researching therapy even though you don't want to

[lovsome]

>:(

[grinchfemmemoving]

I literally cannot become close with a single more person who refuses to take care of themselves and be responsible for their actions. Literally if youre not in therapy which is incredibly possible even with restrictions i was in therapy when i was homeless for g-ds sake then the least you can do is hold urself accountable and seek out and use skills and tools that you can find online and from friends that better yourself. Because if you can do no wrong in your mind and you make people in your life feel like they cant tell u when u hurt ur feelings than you need therapy or an alternative. You cant just get away with being manipulative and shaping someone coming to u with a problem as them being a monster for having a simple feeling forever. Youre going to sabotage all your relationships until you return the same effort and/or fucking give a shit about your growth. You can make mistakes and slip ups and intent dont matter if you hurt a friend or step on their toes its unavoidable we are human and will do this with each other for eternity you will never be able to avoid basic conflict. If you cant handle that then u need serious serious growth and for that u need actual help regardless of how your selfish ass gets it. Youre not special. You dont get to act however you want and get away with it becuz u think u have it the hardest. If a dying fucking woman whos been homeless and in an abusive ecosystem for almost 26 years can get help from therapy, online resources, etc. Ur thick headed unfeeling ass can too.

[damagedcoda6669]

how did youknow youbhad bpd? what were the main "symptoms" ?? soryif it comes off as personal or uncomfy you dont hsveto answer

(im rlly rlly rlly autistic abt bpd PREPARE 4 AN ENTIRE BIBLE ABT HOW I DISCOVERED I HAD IT)

ive exhibited symptoms of bpd my entire life (it usually starts 2 present in childhood or early adulthood, it comes from childhood abuse/neglect) i only started 2 notice something was wrong in my tweens/early teens, when malachi became my favorite person and every1 was calling me mentally ill and weird and obsessive. ive known my entire life i was neurodivergent (first started therapy at 6 or 7, diagnosed with bipolar + autism + adhd + depression + anxiety RLLY early on) but there was something else that felt wrong 2 me. at that age i didnt rlly know what 2 search 4 or who 2 talk 2, so i just went on google and searched "love disorders" and obsessive love disorder came up (which isnt even in the DSM iirc) and i posted on google plus saying i likely had that and was shot down IMMEDIATELY 4 "self diagnosing" so i didnt revisit it again until a few years later.

after my breakup in 2021 i felt like it hurt WAY MORE than was normal. i stumbled across a video abt bpd during that time period and it resonated with me way 2 much. im impulsive, i have angry outbursts, im constantly suicidal, i self harm, i have extreme mood swings, i dont know who i am and ive always just mirrored other ppl, i dissociate, i have black and white thinking, i view ppl as all good or all bad and i split, i have consistently unstable relationships, i get attached 2 ppl more than i should be, and i have a paralyzing, nauseating fear of abandonment. i have every symptom in the diagnostic criteria.

i brought up the possibility of me having bpd with my mom i think (i had no one else 2 go 2 becuz all of my friends abandoned me and my parents took away my internet access) and i was shot down again, with my mom saying the CLASSIC "(insert family member) has bpd and shes crazy. ur normal. stop pretending theres something wrong with u. if u had bpd u'd be vindictive and petty and evil. do u think ur those things?"

once i figured out how 2 get my internet access back, maryland dude forced the bpd label on2 me becuz he wanted 2 explain my "abusive" behaviors (he was abusing me but tried 2 gaslight me in2 thinking i had a victim complex and that it was the other way around) and i became uncomfortable with the label becuz he made it seem like if i had bpd then i was a bad person. i continued researching the disorder becuz it still resonated with me even though i was now insecure abt it.

i became comfortable with the label again after he abandoned me, and i brought it up with my therapist. my therapist would HEAVILY DENY that i had bpd, telling me that "if u had bpd u would be attempting suicide 4 attention" "u fit the diagnostic criteria but ur autistic so all of ur symptoms can just be attributed 2 autism srry" "ive had clients with bpd and if u were like them u wouldve had an outburst in my office and be yelling at me by now" and she would even smile at me whenever i brought up my bpd becuz she thought it was funny that i thought i had it, i think. the first time i brought it up with her she told me "its rlly irresponsible 2 self diagnose after reading liek two articles online abt some extreme disorder becuz u think ur broken. ur not broken. dont self diagnose with bpd" and i had to EXPLAIN 2 HER that i wasnt self diagnosing and that id researched it in depth 4 years actually and that she was making assumptions. horribly ableist towards ppl with cluster b disorders, this is a MASSIVE RED FLAG but i didnt switch therapists becuz i was still living with my parents at this point and i felt out of control in every aspect of my life 4 this reason, i didnt even see switching therapists as an option.

then in 2023, while i was homeless, i got evaulated by a psychiatrist. i discussed my bpd with him and finally got diagnosed. i told my therapist i was diagnosed with bpd and she said something like "well im not always gonna be able 2 catch everything" BUT I WAS TELLING U ABT MY BPD 4 MONTHS!!!!! so glad i dont have that therapist anymore but now i dont have one at all, so liek.. hrmmm >:c

im gonna end this by saying.. self diagnosis is valid!!! its so hard 2 get a bpd diagnosis becuz its so demonized and stigmatized, that even those in the mental health system r ableist towards the disorder and those who have it. diagnosis is not always an option with disorders like bpd, and thats so frustrating. its so hard 2 find help becuz every1 thinks ur crazy. but ur not crazy!!! i love all my fellow bpders, i know how agonizing and it is 2 live this tormented life. if u suspect u have bpd, the bpd community welcomes u and supports u!!! and i do 2 :3

[kingshovelbug]

Hii what is your best advice to younger adults trying to make it independently and make a living? In art, savings or anything you think of. Thank you in advance!

dont be too hard on yourself. its tough out there right now in regards to like everything regardless of what old people say. also this is going to be a lot so im slapping a read more on here

⭐️ first thing id recommend for anyone is to start figuring out a budget. figure out how much youre making monthly. keep all your food receipts for a month or two to see what youre spending on food. find out what youre paying for thats necessary like utilities and whats not

the goal for a budget (or at least mine) is to find a good balance of earning vs spending. im paying off my credit card right now because i ran through all my savings after we had to move last year but my goal used to be to save 1/4 of what i earned after bills and putting money into an emergency fund (usually an emergency fund is 3 months worth of expenses). but it depends on how much you can comfortably put away. if you can put more away do it. but if you never spend money and deprive yourself of joy youre going to burn yourself out regardless of what your job is

⭐️ if youre not already buy store brand for as much shit as you can. if its an ingredient i promise as someone who cooks and bakes you probably wont notice the difference. if its an actual snack it depends. again both from a money perspective and to boycott pro-isreal companies we get a lot of snacks from aldis and theyre awesome. i dont miss anything from mars, oreos etc when i have my chocolate coconut wafers

⭐️ if you have any subscriptions and you need to get rid of something you can probably cancel them. for *most* things theres some kind of free alternative. but again just like with a budget. there are going to be some subscriptions that make your life easier and while youd save money without them it would lead to extra work and burning out. ex willow has kofi gold because it has really cool extra features that help with running the shop. but for streaming services? im going to be so honest. both to save money and with how cheeky streaming companies (in a bad way) have been getting… you can find whatever you want to watch online for free

if you need to use anything from the microsoft office suite, but youre not required by youre job to specifically use microsoft, libreoffice is a free alternative that i actually like better. its what i use to help willow run their shop and its free

for art programs. if you still have photoshop switch. not just for money reasons. adobe is getting bold with what they can claim as their content and use from what people produce in their program. the switch isnt the easiest but there are a bunch of alternatives. some free some like csp offer one time licenses which are so much better than subscriptions. will has spent almost $2k on photoshop and after effects from using it as long as they have. when csp is $50 and they like csp better anyways. i also know of krita and fire alpaca which are free

⭐️ also theres stuff about being an adult that i thought you had to pay for but you dont? like for car insurance i went through an independent insurance agent and they found me a cheaper plan than i could find myself. i didnt pay the guy. they get a cut from the insurance company for finding them another customer. some banks or credit cards offer financial advising sessions to users. its boring but if you can get a copy of your health insurance see if they have any free shit on there thats available for you. my brother gets free doctor finding? like i can call them, tell them what specialist he needs and instead of me calling around to find one that can take him, they connect me with someone. my work offers 3 free therapy sessions (better than nothing) and free food that i take advantage of

⭐️ i think one of the biggest things that makes an impact for us is researching before buying stuff. sounds like a no brainer but you dont just want to find the cheapest deal. you want to find the best bargain, the best bang for your buck. whats the best quality thing you can get that you can also afford? itll prevent your from having to replace stuff all the time and by extension spending more than you need to. we have nonstick pots and pans that are scratched and starting to peel (which apparently can cause cancer??) that were cheap because of being on sale. now after looking into what makes quality cookware i know i should of just slowly bought stainless steel

⭐️ last big one. credit cards. unfortunately we need them so find one with a low apr and that offers decent cash back. use it up to like 20% of your limit and pay it off every month. focus on using it on things that will get you cash back so you can essentially get free money

im sure i could ramble more but this is already super long

[asclexe]

haii….intro post…..about me……

click (this is a reminder more for me because i’ll see it easiest this way, feel free to click) / i do not answer donation asks and i cannot donate

haiiii :3 i go bye cameron which is very nicknameable so have fun with that. also call me whatever 🔥🔥

i am a boy-adjacent i think and i ONLY use he/him pronouns!!!!!! please and thank you!

aromantic aplatonic lesbian faggot thing. i think girls r pretty. women are soo awesome 😍

minor!!!!!!!!! im ageless online 4 my safety so B cool im literally 5 years old :3

american :/ + a mixed pot of european ethnically as most american white boy people are (EST)

im Literally a 🪼. btw

currently matching layouts with the awesome @magicmarkerz give it up for the coolest boygirl ever. our backgrounds are like owen and maddy from isttvg. awesome.

interest wise, im pathetically multifandom and im really interested in doctor who (nine and martha and donna and rory and eleven sometimes my beautiful gay wives 😍) but i also enjoy house md, yellowjackets, moral orel, warrior cats (on arc 5 and no intention of reading more), dungeon meshi, six feet under, fnaf, thg, a series of unfortunate events, doogie howser md, i saw the tv glow, good omens (FUCK neil gaiman. 😐), will wood, mouthwashing, and theatrical stuff and anything really and soso many many more.. (i watch a lot of shows and have soo many more to watch. lol)

currently watchinf!! : doctor who (capaldi, s8), the good place (s4), broadchurch (s2), torchwood (s1), and hannibal (s1)

i run @ask-the-ducklings and @ppth-obgyn-dept-head-real for my house md oc and i’m 1/2 of @meanwhile-on-the-road :3

i use #asclexeposting for all original posts + more

trying to figure out my ao3 situation but im on pinterest and discord under assclexe if you wanna hmu (B cool) and roblox as asclexe and my airbuds

so yeah below the cut are just like. boundaries whatever lame. but feel free to follow me, ill likely follow back and we’ll be bestest friends forever ^_^

ughh sum things you should know be4 you follow or follow/unfollow or moot/unmoot me/boundaries

i am a very morbid (i think abt death literally all the time. lol), negative, cynical person and i always have been and i will not absorb those positive vibes. im a hater. im also opinionated like everyone else and im obviously going to have bad takes. B nice. sometimes the fun and joyous whimsy comes out. i can and will be really nice i promise just sometimes im mean

i use a lot of profanity and i say the ONE. one slur i can reclaim.

i will not go to therapy or get help. i’ve been in therapy and it does not help me and i do not like it. i do not want help. i’m fine. please do not tell me “go to therapy u need it” because i do not need it

i say “im going to kill myself” a lot and these are all fruitless, meaningless statements. i am not committing suicide yet, and when i do, you’ll have long forgotten me. hopefully.

pls tell me via ask box! (or dm if i follow you) if i say something offensive or wrong or are overcrossing your boundaries, im sorry, im bound to make mistakes or misjudge a post.

i do not tag my reblogs with the media or characters, only little comments. i also do not spoiler tag my posts. i try to trigger tag things when i can but if you want something trigger tagged specifically pls lmk!!

i do not have a dni, because the block button (which i use pretty often ill be honest) is easier, so instead i’d say go away!!!!! bigots (because you suck) and zionists (because i’m pro-palestine) and pedos/zoos (because you’re #gross) and nsfw/mdni/kink blogs and most people over 21 (unless im comfortable with it) (because i’m a minor) .

:3

[fangirlingfromdownunder]

A Sweet Mishap - Chapter 31

Pairing - Jensen Ackles x Reader 

A/N: I just want to start by thanking everyone for all the love on this story so far. Let me know if you want to be added to the tag list. Please read the TW below and only read on if you feel comfortable doing so.

Potential Trigger Warnings: mentions of domestic violence, rape, therapy, depression

A Sweet Mishap Masterlist | Main Masterlist

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After my second show Jensen picks me up again and he starts driving towards my apartment. But as we drive back through the city streets I spot a gelato place. It’s quiet given the late hour, and I want to stop but I feel guilty. Jensen notices my sudden silence and glances over. We pass the shop and my shoulders sink, but I try to shake it off. To my surprise, he takes a U-turn at the next intersection and pulls into a park.

As he shuts of the engine he says, “Let’s go for a walk.”

“But-”

“Nope. No buts. Let’s go. It’s quiet out.” He swings his door open and I have no choice but to follow. We walk side-by-side through the surprisingly quiet streets and gaze through the dark store windows. Eventually we get a crosswalk that leads to the gelato store I spotted. He takes my hand and we cross together. We both scan the multitude of flavors before he steps forward and orders a double scoop cone with mint choc chip and chocolate. He then looks over at me for my order. I step forward and order a single scoop cone with cookies and cream ice cream with a strawberry on top. He swipes his card to pay for our order and we watch as we wait for our order. 

As we’re waiting I hear a familiar voice call out my name. I turn quickly and spot my younger colleague sitting at a booth with a few friends. She climbs over a guy and comes over to us. “You told me you didn’t recognise him! Did Stewie tell you to show him around? Why you?”

I look over at Jensen apologetically and he just smiles and hold his hand out to Jenna. “I’m Jensen, nice to meet you…”

I step in to introduce them. “Jensen, this is Jenna. She works at Mamma Jo’s with me.” I then turn to Jenna. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth, but you have to understand that we didn’t want this getting out. He deserves a quiet holiday without getting mobbed by paps and fans.”

The server calls out our order and I turn to grab it while Jensen takes a selfie with her. I sigh, but I can help but be in awe of how nice and accommodating he is. Jensen hands her back her phone and I hand over his gelato. Jenna thanks Jensen and turns, but then turns back to me and says, “Guess it really pays to be the manager, huh?

I badly want to tell her the truth but I’m too scared, I just nod and say, “You have a good night. I’ll see you on Monday.”

I quickly leave the store and speed walk in the direction of the car. Jensen rushes after me and unlocks the car once I’m close. I get in and finally take a deep breath. I can feel the cold, sticky sweet dripping down the cone and onto my hand and I can’t stop the tears. I hate hiding and lying and now I hate that I’m wasting Jensen’s money. After a few moments he finally gets in the driver’s seat. He hands me some napkins I didn’t realize he grabbed. I pass him the cone so I can wipe up the mess. Onc e I've gotten most of it he hands it back and I try to eat it. 

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have forced that. I just really wanted to do something normal and I could tell you wanted gelato. I’m sorry if I put you in a bad situation with your work.”

I shake my head. “It’s not your fault. I shouldn’t have lied to her, but what could I say…”

“Yeah…it will be great when we can just come clean to everyone. But no stress okay, we’ll work it out until you’re ready.”

”I think it’s gonna be out of our hands…if we keep going out like this it’s inevitable that there’s gonna be photos and people sharing stories online.”

“You’re probably right…Im sorry…”

After swallowing a bite of decadent waffle I look over at him and say, “but you know it’s not even that…what I wanted more than anything was to set Jenna straight. Apologise, and open up and say us being there had nothing to do with work. That instead of her seeing us together and thinking I’m your tour guide it could just be as simple as two people hanging out together. That I could have a label to give her. Are we friends? Are we more than that? I mean, with kiss, cuddle, we had more than one sit down meal together, we’ve slept in the same bed…but because I’m so fucking terrified of- Shit, I’m sorry. You don’t need to listen to this…let’s just finish this and then you can drop me off at the Subway or whatever.” 

He places his free hand on my knee, but I keep my focus on what’s left of the sweet treat. “Firstly, there’s no need to apologise, if you need to vent, vent. I can listen. I am just a guy, you let me be that. So, friends, more than friends, it doesn’t make a difference. I can be here for you and listen and things will evolve at a safe pace. One that you’re comfortable with. And secondly, there’s no way in hell I’m dropping you off at the Subway at this hour. I know you take it when I’m not here and I can’t do anything about that, but we have a car tonight, so I’m not doing that to you. My best offer is that I’ll drive you back to your apartment and walk you inside or take you to Stella’s. You don’t have to spend the night with me, but you shouldn’t be alone right now.”

Silence falls over the car as we both finish our gelatos. Once Jensen takes the last bite he turns on the engine and pulls out of the park. He expertly navigates back to my apartment with some help from his GPS and walks me up to my door. When I lock it and open it my eyes instantly fall on that couch again before drifting over to the counter. Terrible memories that I’ve been working so hard to repress flashback through my mind and I know Stella was right. Everything now is about so much more than just Todd. 

I startle from my dreamless sleep at the sound of the door slamming. I try to squeeze my eyes shut and calm my breathing. I listen carefully as each boot hits the tiles with a thud, followed by his bag. Next the fridge opens and shuts. Then, the sound in most terrified of: the sliding doors crash back into the wall sockets. Light instantly floods the room except for in his shadow. I stare at the dark looming presence on the wall in front of me. I don’t dare move. But he doesn’t leave me a choice. He grabs my arm, my skin burning in the worst possible way, and yanks me to my feet in front of him.

”The fridge is empty. I work terrible goddamn hours, dealing with drunken idiots, the least I deserve is to come home to a meal and a welcome home kiss from my girlfriend. Instead what? You’re off trying to live some lackadaisical dream about becoming a broadway star. I never should’a put that idea in your head!” I can smell the alcohol on his breath the second he opens his mouth. Before I have a chance to respond, not that I know what to say, he pulls me out of the room and pushes me harshly against the kitchen and I slam into the counter. But I don’t have time to focus on the newest bruise forming before he’s spitting orders out at me.

I try to throw together the semblance of a meal, but he’s right the fridge is basically empty. Our measly wages barely cover the rent and utilities, not to mention his extracurriculars. I knew he was a sucker for a good bet way back in Texas, but since moving to New York he’s only gotten worse. And he never wins, so there’s nothing left for groceries. Still I obediently do my best and take the blame. His hours do trump my few at the coffee shop so I should be trying harder. As he eats and I clean up I look down at the red marks and forming bruises on my arm and I know no one will ever hire a lead who looks like this. But that far fetched dream is all I have left, so I cling to it. It quickly fades as his empty plate clatters into the sink, hitting my hand as it does. 

“Now was that so hard?” He hisses as he gets up and storms into the ensuite. Once he’s out of sight I finally let the tears fall.

“Y/N, Darlin’. You okay? Where’s your head at?” I’m brought back into the moment by gentle hands on my upper arms and a comforting voice. I blink a few times to push away the memory and focus on Jensen’s concerned features. I shake my head as I feel tears prick at my eyes and dampen my cheeks. He softly pulls me into a hug with my head against his chest. “You’re safe. Just stay right here with me in this moment. I’ve got you.”

After a few minutes, I gently try to pull back and he lets me. But as my gaze settles past him, I feel myself falling back into those traumatic memories—memories that I’d pushed so far down for so long. I know the only way through is to face them, and I will, with help of my new therapist, not tonight. I wipe at my cheeks and say, barely above a whisper, “C-Can w-e go to your h-hotel? I can’t-“

He instantly nods. “Of course. Whatever you need.”

An hour later we’re cuddling on the couch in his fancy hotel room, having showered and changed into comfy clothes that could resemble pyjamas. He has his arms wrapped around me as he pulls my back against his chest. He just holds me and I feel so safe in his strong arms. He doesn’t force me to talk and try to change the subject, he just holds me silently and waits patiently for me. I lose track of how long we stay like this before I finally feel comfortable enough to talk. “I’m sorry about before…I just-I have been avoiding certain memories for so long. Pushing them down, trying to pretend it didn’t happen. And I guess with the recent…events and starting therapy they’re resurfacing. There’s other things that happened in that apartment…between me and my ex that no one knows. Things that he did…said…the way he was. Stella knows a little, but I left out a lot of the details. The reason that I have trust issues, the reason the littlest things send me into a meltdown, the reason I’m terrified of how I feel about you…” As I finish talking I look over my shoulder to see his reaction. 

He just squeezes me the slightest bit tighter. “I’m not gonna lie…part of me wants you to tell me everything so I can share the burden. But I know it doesn’t work like that. You need to process it on your terms. I know even just saying what you did was a massive step for you. So, you’re doing great. And I’ll be here when you’re ready to share more.”

“Thanks.”

“Anytime, Darlin’. Whatever you need, I’m here. But I uh…I do wanna say something and I hope you’ll just listen and really consider it.” I sit up a little so I can look at him better. Once I’m still he continues, “I don’t think you should be alone in that apartment, especially at night. I know it’s got security now so it’s safer, but they can’t protect you from your thoughts. Whatever memories were haunting you tonight. You had a full panic attack, and I just don’t want you to have to go through that alone daily. I deliberately booked this hotel because of its proximity to yours…I can extend the booking for a few weeks or however long you need. I just want you to be comfortable and safe. I know I can’t fight your demons for you, but if I can offer this while you work through them.”

“But, Jensen I can’t-I can’t pay for it. And you-you need your money. You already have a place in Vancouver and Texas, you can’t…”

He rubs his hands gently up and down my arms. “In Vancouver I share an apartment with Jared, it’s less lonely that way and we get along great, like brothers really. So rent’s cheap enough. And I own my place in Texas, and since I’m barely there the utilities are low. I can afford this. My parents are always on my back about investing well for the future and not wasting my money. And I have. And this may be too soon to tell you or too much and I’m sorry if it is, but I want you in my future. And so I’m willing to invest in that. In you. In your most valuable asset…in your mental health.”

“Why me? I know I’ve asked before but I just-“

“It’s okay, I get it. It’s the fears, trust issues, the insecurities you mentioned. I’ll answer anything you need. Any reassurances you need to know I’m not messing with you. You remind me of home. You remind me who I was before the so called fame and craze that being Dean Winchester has thrown me into. I love Dean, I love the show, the fans all of it, it's a dream come true. But I also miss just being me. And with you I can just be me, a regular guy from Texas with a crush and a dream. And you inspire me, you remind me why I went into acting in the first place. Watching you up on stage and working so hard for your dream, it reminds me of my roots and keeps me grounded. And I want to share those passions with you. And you have a big heart, you always care for others before yourself. But now it’s time to care for you, and I know it’s hard, so I’m gonna be here every step of the way, to give you every chance to care for yourself the way you need and deserve.”

I tear up a little at his sentiments. Even in the early stages Trent and Tyler never said anything so meaningful. I can’t recall a time I’d ever felt this way, except maybe from my parents and that's different because they’re my parents, or Stella, but even that’s different, she’s my best friend. As if he can see my mind drifting again, he brings my hand up to his lips and kisses my wrist softly before just holding it against his lips.

“I can feel your heart racing,” he whispers.

I look at him and smile. “You really are a Pisces…” His eye brow lifts up in confusion, so I continue, “During a break from wedding planning, Stella looked up your star sign, she’s a sucker for all that stuff. I wasn’t sure if I really believed it, but yours definitely fits. You’re clearly very creative based on your acting skills, and you’re very in tune with your emotions. No guy has ever opened up with me the way you do. Nick and Stella are great together yet even she says he’s a man of few words. He shows his love in actions. You do both —not that I’m saying you love me— just you show you care by showing up, but you also talk in the way I need. I never thought I’d meet someone like that.”

“I guess I’ve always been a bit of an empath and comfortable with my emotions. I think it’s part of what makes me good at my job too, but I’m more glad that it helps you feel comfortable. And I won’t say that word yet, not until I know you’re ready to hear it and believe it…but I’m sure you know.”

I just nod and relax back into his arms. After some time of quiet I decide to try to open up. “Earlier, when I had that panic attack I wasn’t seeing the incident with Todd. It was my ex, Tyler. He used to come home late, tired and frustrated. And one night after a rough day, I’d failed one of my classes and got some harsh feedback from a tutor saying acting wasn’t my field and that I should consider a different dream, and so I came home and just went to bed. We had no food anyway since she barely had any money since he was a taxi driver and I was doing minimal hours at the cafe and he was addicted to gambling. But when he got home…he woke me up and made me make him dinner. But he didn’t just ask, he used to yank or push me around. That particular night he pushed me so hard I slammed into the counter. I was so covered in bruises, but he made me believe it was all my fault. If I was a better girlfriend he wouldn’t have to discipline me and continually teach me to be better.”

“I’m so sorry you went through that. I hope you know now that’s not true. You don’t owe anyone anything. You're not a child, neither were you one then you didn’t need teaching. And what he did was not discipline, not that he had any right to discipline you anyway. None of that was your fault, there was and is nothing wrong with you.”

“I’m learning that now. But it was hard then. He was a little older so I looked up to him. I trusted him. So I believed everything he said, until I caught him in our bed with someone else. I mean, I knew he was sleeping with other women, that wasn’t a surprise, he’d just never brought them back to our place before. He’d generally go back to their place.”

“And what, he fed you some shit about not being built for monogamy? Said he loved you but he needed more to be satisfied?” I stay quiet. “Well, that’s complete bullshit okay. Men, women, anyone can be monogamous if they care enough about that person. And if your partner isn’t satisfying you you either need to have an adult conversation about it, or buy a toy.” He sighs and then more quietly says, “Sorry, it’s just…I’ve known guys like that in the past and they really piss me off. I get polygamy is a thing, but only if it’s fully consensual, and I don’t believe that you gave full, knowing consent. You were gaslighted and manipulated.”

I shake my head. “I kinda knew…and I was glad. Because it meant I didn’t have to, you know. He wanted things that I wasn’t comfortable giving and more often than I could. So honestly I was a little relieved at first. But when his moods didn’t improve and he got more violent and demanding in other ways, I just thought I was failing in every way.”

“Oh Darlin’. He failed you, not the other way around. Relationships are a two way street, if you’re not both comfortable then neither should be.”

I roll over in his arms so I can face him. “Please don’t ever change.” In my head, I can imagine a happy future with the green-eyed man under me. I know it would involve a lot of long distance given our career choices, but at least I trust he would never hit me or force himself on me or deliberate hurt me in anyway. It feels like such a low bar, but given my past it’s everything.

He leans forward waiting mere inches from my lips waiting for me to make the final move. I close the distance. When he pulls back softly he whispers, “I’ll try not to.” He lays his head back against the armrest and guides his hands up and down my back, encouraging me to snuggle back down. I rest my hands against his sides and my head on his chest. We lay quietly like this until my eyes drift closed and my breath evens out.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

Taglist: @stoneyggirl2 @hobby27, @n-o-p-e-never, @deansimpalababy,

@winchesterwild78, @kr804573, @chriszgirl92, @smoothdogsgirl

@speakinvain, @deans-baby-momma, @1967winchesterimpala

@lmg14, @superrey, @kamisobsessed

[peachesofteal]

peach I was diagnosed as bipolar this week. im scared and have no one to talk to. Its going to be the rest of my life and that scares me

tw mental health, medication, etc

Okay, let's chat.

These are my opinions:

First, you are not bipolar. You have bipolar. Having bipolar is not being bipolar. People who have cancer are not cancer. For me this distinction is important.

It is really scary at first. Your feelings are valid. A lot of people worry they'll never live fulfilled or happy lives once receiving a diagnosis. This is blatantly untrue. Yes, it's the rest of your life. No, you're not doomed or broken or sick.

Here is what I (personally) recommend:

See a therapist outside of a psychiatrist. Full stop.

Medication. Don't try to raw dog it. For most, it will end badly. For me, it ended badly on multiple occasions. Some people refuse meds because they believe they can manage on their own, and good for them, but there is no gold star for being unmedicated. My personal opinion is: it's dangerous. Additionally, it could take a long time to find the right med or combination of meds. It will be frustrating. Don't give up. Also, if you start taking meds and all of the sudden "realize you don't actually have bi polar" or "think you never had it in the first place" ... it means you took the drugs and the drugs are working. It doesn't mean stop taking your meds.

A support system. If you don't have a solid support system in your life, look up support groups for mental heath or bi polar specifically. Cultivate support in online spaces. Listen and learn from other's experiences. If there's absolutely nowhere else to turn, join the bi polar groups on reddit and take comfort in the fact that A. you're definitely not alone and B. there is always someone else who's done way more fucked up shit than you have. Trust me.

Self awareness. Recognizing depressive episodes, hyper mania, manic episodes will go a long way. This is really difficult. Hyper mania is almost impossible to determine from the inside looking out. Depressive and manic episodes are a little easier because they are/can be so extreme. Psychosis is impossible to recognize in yourself until you're on the other side. This is why a support system is really important. Get an app and track your moods, your feelings, your habits. Look for the patterns. Are you sleeping too much? Too little? Are you spending a lot of money? When was the last time you saw your friends, are you engaging in risky sexual behaviors, do you think you're god, are you sleeping for fourteen hours, are you talking so fast no one can understand you, do you think you're hearing things, are you doing a lot of drugs, are you driving across the country for no reason, are you making serious life changes that you've never considered before, are you flying off the handle with rage, etc etc etc.

Look back and see if you can recognize behaviors or symptoms you've exhibited and use that knowledge to help you recognize them in the future. Medication is not foolproof. Do not use this advice to look back and pick yourself apart.

No psychedelics. Not even micro dosing shrooms.

Be gentle with yourself and get enough sleep. Be honest in therapy. Get some sunlight. Exercise to the best of your ability. Do not skip your meds. Give yourself grace. Embrace who you are.

[catacombbee]

welcome home (i missed you dearly)

tyden tattoo shop au; crossposted on ao3:

INSPIRED BY A POST @the-killies MADE

just mentioning beforehand they are older in this bc they are adults bc tyler has a tattoo shop BUT the way tylers thinking abt aiden isnt meant to be sexy hes just thinking aiden is very very pretty boy okay this isnt supposed to be horny okay pls dont make it horny 🔫

sometimes theres just the desperation to touch someone to feel someone to be near someone. so im totally projecting

also i dont know exactly how tattoo shops work if anything is inaccurate SHHHH dangles gay in front of you to distract. does the distraction dance

It had been two years since Tyler had seen Aiden.

Sure, they kept in touch. The group chat was more alive than ever even after they all graduated. Life drew them in their own different directions, but they'd always be friends.

And yet it had been two years since all six of them met up in the same place. They had gotten together to celebrate most of their respective college graduations. Taylor had been working at a mechanic shop for over a year at this point, and her boss loved her friends so much that he ordered pizzas for them to celebrate. Of course they ended up back in the graveyard, sitting together in that bus as they ate and laughed and fell asleep on each other.

Tyler had made friends in art school that filled the gap that was left when he didn't see his five best friends every day. No, they'd never replace the others, but he felt less alone. By the time he graduated, he and two of his new friends really wanted to open their own tattoo shop together.

Taylor pointed out that the building beside her shop had been empty for sale for years. Tyler thought it was pretty funny that even into his career he couldn't get away from his sister. It was great, by all means. He got a discount on car maintenance, and they got a discount on their tattoos. It also meant he got the honors of giving Taylor her first tattoo himself. TH + AB inside a heart was pretty sappy, but he didn't tell her that when he did it. He was happy she was happy.

And he was happy. He was thriving. Ever since he gave up baseball, accepting that it wasn't making him happy like it used to, and let himself embrace his creativity, he felt so much more comfortable in himself. Who knew that art scholarships were a thing?? Why had no one told him??

But now he was living on his own and making enough money to not only support himself but pay for his mom's therapy. She was doing better, too; Taylor hadn't moved out when Tyler did, opting to stay living at home to take care of her. Now all three of them were moving uphill. Tyler was happy, he was secure, the tattoo shop was busier than ever. Everything was great.

And then Aiden Clark walked through the door.

Tyler wouldn't say he was disappointed to see him. No, far from it. In fact, he was far happier to see the blond than he would let himself admit. While most of the group was in college, Aiden had taken his parents money and gone who the hell knows where. Italy, France, Germany, Japan, other countries that Tyler couldn't remember, he saw it all. Along the way, he'd posted almost every bit of his journey online for people to live vicariously through him. At least, that's what Ashlyn called it. People loved watching him not only traverse beautiful landscapes, but also explore other cultures and share stories from people he'd met.

That meant that, as Aiden built an online following large enough to support himself without his parents' help (which in hindsight was probably his goal), Tyler got to watch through a screen as he did all sorts of impressive or death defying feats. Because of course he did. He's Aiden.

It's one thing to watch someone in full scuba gear get locked in a shark tank. It's another to watch him set up a camera and jump off of a cliff into water shirtless.

There were a lot of videos where he ended up shirtless, actually. A byproduct of his love for being in the water. Surfing, swimming, snorkeling- why did so many of those words start with an S anyway? Aiden did it all. And he did half of it wearing nothing from the waist up.

Seeing Aiden shirtless made Tyler's heart flutter every time-

"Tyler!" Aiden broke him from his thoughts. Fortunately. Instead of thinking about how nice he looked in his videos, Tyler could focus on how nice he looked standing right in front of him.

"Aiden," he responded, the second half of the name coming out like a bark as Aiden slammed into him with a bear hug. "It's so great to see you!" He said, squeezing Tyler not tightly enough to take his breath away as much as he did. "How have you been?"

He had been absolutely horrible before he saw Aiden. What the hell was he doing that would dare compare to this man wrapping himself around Tyler like he was never as overjoyed as he was now seeing him again?

"I've been great."

Aiden let go and stepped back. Unfortunately. He grinned up at Tyler, who was still proudly taller. "You look great. I mean, I saw you in some of the pictures posted on your place's Insta, but you look even better in person, yknow? Your tattoos are so cool woah-"

Tyler was much too distracted by the sound of his heart thudding in his ears to pay much mind to Aiden poking and prodding at his arms excitedly. He was blabbering something about how he couldn't wait to have a tattoo of his own- wait, what?

Shaking himself back to reality, Tyler pulled his arm back. It was the only way he'd focus: without Aiden's hands on his skin. "Are you here to get a tattoo?" He'd thought Aiden was just visiting. Why wouldn't he just visit? Ben came by to visit and didn't get a tattoo. Logan came by to visit and didn't get a tattoo. Ashlyn-

"Yeah! I already know kind what I want, too." Of course he did. "Oh, is it okay if I record some of it?" Of course it was. "I don't know if you follow my channel that much, I just wanted to show them the process." Of course. "Plus! I can say HEY here's this cool place! So if you're in the area and you want a tattoo, come see my buddy Tyler!" Of course.

And he wanted Tyler to give him the tattoo. And he wanted it on his back. Wings. Of course. Of course Aiden wanted a large tattoo on his back. Of course Aiden wanted Tyler to sit for hours and look down at his naked torso and have to focus on not screwing up the ink just because his client is pretty. He had tattooed pretty men before! This did NOT have to be any different.

But they weren't Aiden.

Aiden came with some reference photos. He and Tyler came up with a design Aiden liked. It wasn't that elaborate, but it was still going to be time consuming. Unfortunately.

Aiden was lying on his stomach, humming contentedly to himself as he scrolled through his phone, his arm dangling off of the table. Beside him stood Tyler, who was focusing so hard on his art.

Frankly, this was the longest he'd ever seen Aiden sit still. Even when he was asleep, he was such a wiggle worm. Sure, he remembered Taylor said once that she saw Aiden sleep completely still once, but he didn't want to think about that night.

On second thought, maybe that would be better. Maybe if he thought about the night Aiden died he wouldn't think about all the perfectly toned muscle that was right there. How many nights had he laid awake in bed, only his phone lighting the room, watching those videos of Aiden and imagining how it'd feel to wrap his arms around him? How many nights had he rolled over, his arms snug tightly around the middle of a pillow, so that when he closed his eyes he could imagine it was Aiden's waist instead?

How much longer could he deny that he wanted more than anything to be close to him?

After what felt like a year or maybe two minutes, they were halfway done. He'd told Aiden upfront that he'd need to come back again to finish it, which was fine. He had an opening the next day. Aiden was too eager to return. His smile was burned in Tyler's vision much like spots swimming in one's eyes after looking at a bright light.

Taylor came over to see him after work. Tyler was busy scrolling through his phone and definitely not thinking about a certain blond. "Aiden stopped by to say hi today."

"Mhm."

"He showed me his half-finished tattoo."

"Mm."

"You need to tell him you love him."

"Mhm."

Taylor punched him in the arm. Ow. She was fucking strong. "Tyler, c'mon." He finally made himself look up at her from where he was sitting. "We all knew it years ago, and here you are still acting like you don't care."

Tyler rolled his eyes. "Don't care what, that he's back? Of course I care that he's back, he's my friend."

She looked at him unamused. "You sure don't look at each other like you're friends," Taylor argued.

Well, what the hell did she know?

Tyler grumbled to himself the entire drive home. He sulked about it as he sat down to watch tv. He moped as he laid in bed, trying to sleep. He dreamed about it, Aiden's laugh echoing throughout his subconscious. He grumbled yet again as he trudged into into work the next day.

Aiden was back late that afternoon.

Surely he must have noticed the way Tyler was avoiding eye contact. The way he practically mumbled in response to Aiden trying to spark a conversation. The way his hand shook as it pressed against his back for the first time that day.

"Don't fuck up my tattoo, halfwit," Aiden grumbled playfully, turning his head to try and look up at Tyler.

He just smiled in response. "It's been a while since you called me that."

Aiden shrugged, earning a scolding from Tyler who was about to put the needle back to his skin. "Well, it's been a while since we've seen each other. I missed you."

Tyler's hands paused. Only for a second.

"I missed you too," he admitted. He really, really had. Far more than he would admit. He missed that manically brilliant grin, knowing something mischievous was soon to follow. He missed the way he laughed, the way he always knew what to say to get on everyone's last nerve, the way he masterfully turned the attention onto himself to distract from whatever was going on around them.

He missed how close they were when they saw each other every day; it gave him more chances to get close to Aiden.

"Why wings?" He blurted out, desperate to change the mental subject to something that did not include wishing he could wrap his arms around Aiden and ask him never to leave again, or worse, to beg him to let Tyler come too.

Aiden hummed, wiggling, despite however many times Tyler had told him off. He was either really lucky that he never made Tyler mess up or he was really good at moving only when he couldn't mess Tyler up. It was impossible to tell.

But of course, he stilled when Tyler leaned back in to continue his work. "Wings are a symbol of freedom, right?" He said, leaving it at that.

Tyler could feel the smile through his words, but he knew there were layers to this sort of symbolism. Freedom from the phantom dimension. Freedom from his parents, to whatever extent it hurt. Freedom from this little town. Freedom to explore the world to his heart's content.

Aiden wanted the world, and Tyler wanted to be his world. But he knew he'd never be enough to satisfy such a deep-rooted wanderlust.

Maybe Aiden was more like his parents than he'd like to admit. They, too, could never stay in one place for too long. They stayed in the house Aiden was living in through high school just long enough for him to leave the house, and then they were gone again. Ashlyn liked to tease that she preferred her new neighbors because they kept to themselves.

How deeply rooted was the Clarks' need to stay on the move? In fleeing the country to both satisfy his own desires and to escape association with his parents, how much was Aiden solidifying how alike they really were? How much did it bother him, or did it at all?

Tyler wondered so many things, and voiced none of them.

But perhaps he wasted too much time thinking and didn't spend enough of it actually talking. The tattoo was finally finished. It was late afternoon, and Tyler had no other appointments that day. Aiden was paying. He was leaving. He was about to leave, and Tyler was about to not see him again for another two years.

Tyler couldn't let that happen.

"Hey," he said suddenly, as Aiden was digging his wallet out of his pocket. "How much longer are you going to be in town?" Because if you aren't busy, we can meet up. Because if you're still here, we can go out somewhere together. Because if you're not leaving, I still have time.

Aiden shrugged. "I was gonna stay for a few more days originally, but my hotel didn't have any vacancy past tonight. I'm gonna sleep in my car and head out tomorrow morning."

Tyler's heart dropped into his stomach. Aiden was leaving tomorrow. Aiden was going to walk out that door and be gone and Tyler wouldn't know how long it would be until he saw him on the same side of the screen again.

That's why he blurted out: "Stay at my place."

Both men stared at each other, dumbfounded, neither really expecting Tyler to suggest such a thing. Aiden's eyes were wide, his tanned cheeks ever so slightly rosy. Tyler wondered if he was imagining it.

"Okay," Aiden said, his grin impossibly wider.

That's how Tyler ended up driving home with Aiden reclining in his passenger side seat. Did he insist that Aiden could just follow him home in his own car? Yes. Did Aiden somehow convince him to just let him throw all his stuff in his backseat and hitch a ride and leave his car parked outside the tattoo shop? Yes. Unfortunately.

The radio was on low; nothing that interesting was playing. Tyler could hear his own voice randomly stopping and starting from Aiden's phone. Sometimes while he was still working on the tattoo, Aiden would hold his phone up, video already rolling, saying "cheese!" and earning a glare from Tyler. Probably for the "I got a tattoo" video. A few times he even got Tyler to stop and take a quick shot of the progress, which was preferable as it kept Aiden from moving as much.

Why did Tyler suggest this. Why did Tyler suggest this. Tyler lived in a one bedroom home, all by himself, and the couch was probably fine but not comfortable enough to SLEEP on WHY did Tyler suggest this. Why did Tyler bring Aiden home. Why was Tyler helping Aiden bring his things inside and showing him around the place.

"So you live by yourself now?" Aiden asked cheerfully as he helped himself to a formerly unopened bag of chips. "That's cool. I thought you and Taylor would've still been living together but this is also cool. I guess since you work next door you need time apart, right? I wish I was still this close to Ben. He doesn't like moving around a lot, I'm happy he found a place he's comfortable." Aiden never stopped talking, and Tyler didn't want to stop him.

"Taylor's still living with Mom," Tyler said, shrugging. "We aren't really living apart cus we needed more space, I just..." How could he put into words that he couldn't stand the vacant look in his mother's eyes anymore? Even as she was doing better, how could he admit he couldn't handle the aching emptiness of that old home?

But Aiden nodded even despite the lack of an explanation, and Tyler understood that it wasn't actually needed.

That was another thing he loved-

That was another thing he enjoyed about Aiden. For all the nonstop chatter that came from him, he was actually a remarkable listener. Sometimes Tyler really struggled to put things into words, but Aiden didn't need him to. He was good at reading between the lines, and Tyler was grateful for that.

His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of Aiden's stomach rumbling so loudly he wondered if he'd eaten at all that day. It was so stupid, he couldn't help but laugh.

The deer-in-headlights wide-eyed look on Aiden's face made Tyler laugh even harder. "I'm just going to cook some spaghetti. Think you can wait that long? And stop with the chips, you need real food."

Aiden threw the clip from the chips at Tyler; he caught it. "Shut up, I forgot lunch."

"That's not my fault," he shot back, gesturing at him with the box of spaghetti noodles. The now open box of spaghetti noodles. A small clump of uncooked noodles flew out, falling at Aiden's feet. "But that was!" He responded, picking them up and taking a bite of one. Tyler cringed.

Aiden was quiet as Tyler started cooking. Fortunately. He did chime in when Tyler was putting the pasta in the pot, shrieking until he agreed to not snap the spaghetti. Because what was he, a fucking barbarian? No, only heathens snap their spaghetti. Tyler was eager to point out to Aiden that he did the same until he visited Italy.

"It's a JOKE!" Aiden insisted through a mouthful of pasta, since Tyler had yet to drop the matter even now that they were eating. "It's a silly thing like, 'oh no! My Nonna is rolling over in her grave because you're breaking your pasta!' I don't think people actually care that much."

Tyler raised an eyebrow at him as he noisily slurped up yet another mouthful of spaghetti. He snickered, wiping his mouth. At least he had the decency to use a napkin. "Well, I like it long. It's more fun. So I guess I care."

Never again would Tyler Hernandez break pasta. At least not when he was cooking for Aiden.

Dinner wasn't very eventful, unless you counted the fact that Tyler was sitting across from Aiden Clark and talking to him and having dinner with him alone sitting in his house for the entire night. But no, no big deal. Just two guys being friends, hanging out. Two bros sitting at a table, five feet apart-

Aiden was right next to Tyler, wrapping an arm around his shoulders in a quick side hug. "Thanks for dinner!" Tyler just stared at him, because oh, now he's very close and smiling down at him. And now he was walking away with his and Tyler's plates in hand. "I'll clean up since you cooked."

That brought Tyler back to reality. "You're my guest, you don't need to do that. And don't thank me for feeding you, that's literally the bare minimum."

He was ignored; the clinking of plates being washed began as the tap came on in the kitchen sink. Tyler just sighed and allowed it. If Aiden insisted on cleaning dinner up, Tyler could busy himself with finding something for them to do afterwards, at least. After all, it wasn't that late at night; they needed something to do.

There was a dusty box of video game cases. Tyler hadn't played Mario Kart in ages.

That turned out to be the best idea he'd had all day. He could barely begin suggesting the idea to Aiden before the controller was snatched from his hands and a certain blond planted himself on the sofa, staring intensely at the screen, waiting for Tyler to start the game.

There were too many characters to pick from; Tyler always tried a different one every time. This time he picked Rosalina, earning a curious glance from Aiden. On the complete other side of the character selection spectrum, Aiden IMMEDIATELY beelined for Waluigi. His entire cart was built and ready before Tyler even decided which character he wanted.

It'd been a long time since they played together, but Tyler knew how Aiden played. Normally selecting the Mii character to play as someone like Sans, but settling for Waluigi because he knew Tyler wouldn't have his weird characters saved. All speed, not great handling. As for Tyler, he preferred putting more into acceleration than speed. What's the use in being fast if it takes you too long to speed up when you crash into shit?

And his performance proved him right. Or it proved that Aiden's Mario Kart skills were rusty and he had circled right back to noob status. Tyler won time and time again, all his time playing with Taylor when she came over for sleepovers paying off.

He let Aiden end on a high note, though. There was no way he was going to go easy on him, of course; he figured Aiden must've finally got the hang of the game again when he won the last round. "YES!" He yelled, pointing a finger right in Tyler's face. "I finally got you!"

Tyler let him have it, considering how miserably he did in the very first races. "Alright, you got me."

Aiden giggled. He giggled. And he smiled right at Tyler. Unfortunately.

"It's late," Tyler said, looking away. They'd been playing for a couple of hours at this point. It felt like they'd just sat down. "I'm not letting you stay up all night before driving for hours."

Confusion growing on his face, Aiden watched as Tyler set up a pillow and blanket on the couch. "Am I sleeping out here?"

"No, of course not. You're sleeping in my room." Did Aiden really expect to be left on the couch??

Aiden just grinned at him. "You don't have to sleep on the sofa, Ty."

It was hard to ignore the way his heart fluttered. This man was going to be the death of him. He just had to survive one more night. Surely. "I'm sure as hell not making you sleep on the sofa. Especially with a healing tattoo, you need to rest on something comfortable, dude."

But Tyler had misunderstood exactly what Aiden was getting at. "Tyler, I don't care if we share the bed, yknow."

Oh. Tyler hoped that the way his face burned wasn't visible. He never would have expected Aiden to suggest such a thing. Why would Aiden suggest such a thing? Why wouldn't Aiden suggest such a thing, actually? Why did it matter? It shouldn't matter. They were friends. Friends could share a bed. Surely.

That's how Tyler found himself laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, as Aiden scrolled on his phone to his right. He had tucked a pillow securely under his chest to prop himself up, whatever app he was using casting a soft glow on his face. Tyler couldn't help but look a few times. Just a few.

This was all made worse by the fact that Aiden was laying there on his stomach shirtless. It took Tyler dragging him back to the bathroom after they both showered and forcing him to sit down for him to remember that, yes, his tattoo needed proper attention of its own. And now there he was, lying on his stomach so as to not irritate his back, and his phone was lighting up the sleepy grin on his face. Unfortunately.

"Go to sleep," Tyler grumbled, as if the light was bothering him. It wasn't the light itself keeping him up, though. How could he sleep with this man lying a foot away from him?

Aiden grumbled back, putting his phone on the nightstand. "You don't have enough pillows. I need, like... three."

"What the fuck do you need three pillows for." Tyler only had two! The only person that slept over was Taylor, and she brought a sleeping bag and pillows for herself; she, too, didn't want Tyler giving up his bed just for her.

The response was punctuated by a scoff, as if Aiden was offended that Tyler wouldn't know why Aiden needed three damn pillows. "I need something under my stomach and my head to be comfortable on my stomach."

Then he should have brought his own. "You can't have my pillow."

"Can I just lay on you instead?"

Once again, Aiden said something that left Tyler stunned and defenseless. The room went silent as he couldn't come up with an answer that didn't sound as desperate or excited as the thought made him feel inside.

Aiden took his silence for rejection. "I was, joking, uh-"

"Yes. Uh, yeah you can. If you want to."

Silence again. This time much less uncomfortable. Slowly, tentatively, Aiden shifted closer. Placed an arm on Tyler's other side, holding himself up. Lowered himself to settle against Tyler's chest, tucking into his shoulder.

They both let out a long breath as they fell into place together. It was as if whatever anxious walls they'd put up crumbled and vanished as their bodies moved on their own, suddenly overwhelmed with the urge to be closer. Aiden's leg looped under Tyler's. Tyler's arms settled around Aiden, Aiden's latched together under Tyler's back.

Aiden's head tilted back, his gaze meeting Tyler's. They were close, too close. Unfortunately.

Or maybe it wasn't a bad thing. Aiden was searching his face, a calm smile adorning his face. Tyler stared right back, unable to stop himself from glancing at that pretty smile, wondering what it'd feel like pressed against his own lips.

Aiden noticed; he smiled a little brighter. It suited him, that natural smile. That smile for Tyler. How could he deny any longer his own feelings when Aiden was smiling like that? Smiling like that just for him? How could he deny his own feelings when it was so clear suddenly that Aiden felt the same?

"Aiden?" He said softly, eyes unable to focus on just Aiden's eyes or just Aiden's lips, bouncing between the two. He just hummed in response, staring back with a level of focus that was surprising for him.

"I- I want to kiss you," Tyler blurted out.

Aiden giggled, his eyes nearly closing as laughter took over his body. Tyler's face burned, and he scowled even despite knowing that he was just being teased. "Aiden."

"Can I tell you a secret?" He responded, managing to cease his snickering. Tyler just stared, waiting.

Aiden leaned close, suddenly serious. Tyler couldn't keep up with the mad facade for much longer, given that he could feel Aiden's breath on his face. This was the closest they'd ever been, at least that Tyler could remember. He'd lean in and end his suffering if he weren't waiting on Aiden to go on with what he wanted to say.

"I lied about the hotel," Aiden whispered, "so you'd invite me over."

Then Aiden kissed him. And Tyler was too blissfully reduced to mush to even get mad at the realization that this entire situation only happened because Aiden was banking on Tyler suggesting he stay over instead of sleeping in his car.

Now Aiden was gripping Tyler's shirt like he'd disappear if he opened his eyes, Tyler was running his hand through Aiden's hair and pulling him ever closer, and neither of them wanted it to end. Finally, finally, Aiden was his.

Who cared what would happen tomorrow, or a week from now? Who cared what they'd do when Aiden had to leave again? Tyler was firmly rooted at home, and Aiden was endlessly roaming without a constant one. But that was tomorrow's problem.

Tonight Aiden was his. And he wasn't letting go.

[gothtransandroid]

Contemplating: Clarity in Transhumanism

History has made it clear that the people who aligned themselves with Transhumanist philosophy are also people interested in Eugenics. I personally hate Eugenics because while I relate to the desire to have a body that functions better, i reject the ideal of breeding or augmenting the body before consent is possible. A person should be able to decide how they want to be and who they want to be, on all levels, and in an age where those who are transgendered are fighting to recieve recognition, and gaining it an inch at a time, I believe that those who do not identify with or find comfort in their current body should be free to explore ways to find that comfort.

What does that mean for tranhumanism then? Is it limited to machinery and genetic augmentation? Does it truly mean transcending "humanity" or is more about finding a positive, comfortable place in the world as yourself without changing morals. I cant speak for others who live in the space of those who use the word, and I really hope Im not trying to push conflicting beliefs into a space because it only makes sense to me, but after being diagnosed with mental health problems some years ago and becoming reliant on medication to have control over myself I feel like any small thing to bring me closer to being my ideal self is worth the effort.

I know medication is small in the face of bigger, broader issues of prosthesis and medical devices and hormone therapy but it still trick my body into fuctioning and I am a different person without my lithium. Or at least it feels that way. I think in the modern age of medicine and technology we all already pass bars that the past "thinkers" who argued about humanity and the reality of being physically different being something to fear or hold concern over, but so many people today are themselves again, or even for the first time, because of these aids and processes and procedures.

I'll probably never live to be the ideal self I think of in my mind, free of the stresses tied to being seen as what is seen instead of how I feel. The most myself I feel myself is online, where I can be a mind of thoughts and whats in my pants is a mausoleum, but its just easier for me to not fight the ease of being what is seen in public. I guess some of this is more about my gender than I thought, but I still wanna be the ghost in the machine on weekends and sleek steel skeleton on weekdays. Take that a literally as you want ;3. Seriously though, I don't know if transhumanism in the modern era can positively divorce itself from the past, and I may be changing my username soon because of it. But I still feel how I feel, and I still wanna explore how that feeling meets my writing.

[slitherpunk]

this may be a silly question

how do I become a girl when I am very much not one

oh! oh how do i phrase this in a way that's believable and succinct...

basically.. you can decide yourself!! if you want to be a girl.. you can just be a girl. contrary to what society demands, there isn't really a rulebook or guideline. you don't have to adhere to what society believes a girl is. being a girl is something in your heart and mind!!

i urge you to spend time with other trans people. learn about their experiences, share your own. there's a lot of different steps you can take to help you feel more girl, if you decide it's for you! i think one of the most common steps other trans people take (other than a change of wardrobe) is hormone replacement therapy. it's something that takes time and patience, but for many it's what helps them feel more comfortable. if you feel comfortable with what the effects of that is, it might be the sort of thing for you.

i'm just a silly girl online. so, i'm not sure how much help i could really bring to a conversation like this. but!! there was a time i too thought that i couldn't ever be a girl. i felt like my body and face weren't the right shape or my hair doesn't work right or i'd just not pass or whatever. but the truth is, girls can be any shape. boys can be any shape. when it comes to biology, some shapes are just more likely than others depending on how you're born. my little secret for self confidence is knowing that: 1. im a woman, 2. i love women. 3. i love myself!

basically.. well... believe in yourself!!! i know it can be tricky, but!! you can believe you're a girl and love yourself for it!!

[sun13koi]

TW- VENT POST. (CW: language, Possible mentions of divorce and mental health). I’m tagging some of my moots that I trust with this sort of thing, but moots just know you don’t have to read it.

So i knew it was gonna happen. I probably figured it out one/two years ago when my dad had a breakdown on a winter vacation. It’s been and ever since. He lives at a different house. I hardly see him. Both of my parents don’t even come CLOSE to how comforted my online family (all of which I’ve met ever since the summer of this year) makes me. Like… I don’t care about my bio family, really. As long as I have my chosen family, I’m okay. But it’s still devastating to accidentally look at your dad’s phone and see a mile long break up text that he’s been writing in the car KNOWING THAT I ACCIDENTALLY LOOK A LOT. All I could see was ‘I’m done with this’, ‘we’re through’, ‘no more couples therapy, we’re done.’ And ‘continue ignoring me, okay? I don’t need your attention.’ And then I couldn’t read any more. This isn’t the first time. One time I saw him (also on accident) texting his therapist saying ‘I think she’s just stalling, and we both know we’re already over. She’s just staying with me for the kids.’

I can’t do this. I wasn’t exposed to many negitive things as a little kid (not until like 11 but that’s a different trauma story)- no horror movies, no mentions of break ups, etc. so I have no fucking clue what to do. I’m stuck with emotions I had almost forgotten because I had convinced myself not to ever use them, that they were a waste of time and made me weak, but now I can’t stop them. I have nowhere to go since I’m underage, and all of the people I’d stay with live at least 15 minutes BY CAR away from me. There’s a hurricane coming my way too.

I knew today was too perfect. I knew something would ruin it. edit: I’m going to sleep so don’t worry if I don’t respond to you im not dead I’m just sobbing myself to sleep👍

Tags- no pressure, yall just are like the only comfort I can think of rn TvT

@someone-kill-the-ej

@l0gansab1tch (I’m not waiting until you’re online again babe I’m just gonna tag you)

@theduckwhostoleyourbread

@/xxpilz we already talked abt this privately so I don’t wanna tag u again but I’m putting u here so u know I’m not like excluding you

[ben-marco]

feel free to delete or not answer, i dont expect a therapy session in response to this ask and i definitely dont ask with hopes of getting a free diagnosis of ramcoa trauma online

do you have any tips for trying not to feel like im lying to myself whenever flashbacks and memories / emotions / etc of possible ramcoa trauma pop up? theres no external confirmation about anything, like our parent/s not remembering us going away for a couple days for example despite us remembering being away from them for days at a time and i feel like im going bonkers 💀

This is a tough one for many survivors of OEA (and for many survivors of abuse in general, honestly). Know that you are certainly not the only one.

What helped me was knowing that when memories like that bubble up, it's likely because a part felt safe to share them with me. If I had entrusted someone with such sensitive information, it would be very upsetting to me if they responded with "That's not real, you must be lying!" But...it can often be easier to respond with disbelief than it is to respond with patience and comfort. I get it.

When memories come up, even if I as a host/ANP don't necessarily immediately believe them, I try my best to keep my kneejerk disbelief to myself. I thank the part for sharing them ("I understand this must have been very difficult for you to share with me. That must have taken a lot of courage. Thank you for sharing" or some variation) and then, if I'm in a position to do so, I try to engage in something that's grounding or stabilizing, and I ask inside if anyone needs anything or if they would like to join me in getting grounded together. Sometimes I get a response (sometimes the response is from the part who shared the memory) and sometimes I don't, but either way I try to take a moment to do something that makes me feel grounded and safe and present. And just like I thanked the part, I also tell them that we are safe now, and things are different these days.

What matters here, in the moment, is not necessarily whether a memory is true, false, or anything in-between. What matters is that a part has entrusted you with that memory and needs to feel safe. Sorting out what's true or false can come later, and a trauma-informed professional may even tell you that it doesn't matter as much whether it's true or false as much as it matters that you are suffering from it. Whether a distressing memory is "real" or not, you still remember it and you still experience distress from it. That is what matters.

I know it's difficult and painful to deal with being handed these memories but really the most important thing you can do is take a deep breath, thank that part for sharing, and then do something that reinforces the fact that you are safe now.

In the front of my journal, I've written down a few communication questions that I like to use during flashbacks or when I'm "sent" memories by EPs or traumaholders. I am not always able to use them, but I've found them helpful for the events when I can use them. I'll leave them, and some other resources, under the cut.

Communication questions for flashbacks. When asking these, I find it's important not to take an interrogatory tone-- remember, you don't want the part to think they're in trouble for sharing with you. If I can't ask these questions in the moment, I also find it helpful to reflect on them after the fact.

"Is there a reason I'm being shown this flashback? Is someone sending this to me?"

"What are you trying to communicate?"

Is someone else in a flashback and got close to front?" (If so, grounding is extra important here)

"Do you feel unsafe about something else happening in our life?"

"Is this your way of reminding me we aren't supposed to tell anyone?"

"Are you trying to keep me from doing something? Why are you afraid of me doing that?"

"Did something trigger you that I don't know about?"

"Did someone inside order you to share this memory with me? You are not in trouble. I want to talk to them, not you."

"Are you feeling ignored? Are there other ways you could get my attention without re-traumatizing me?"

"Are you oriented to the present? I know it's 2024 (or the present year), but do you? How can we work on getting grounded together?"

"Am I being reprimanded? Can it be shared with me what I did wrong? Let's talk this over."

Of course these can be added to or changed as you see fit. They are from this article by Beauty After Bruises and I've been copying them into my journals for years. You may find other parts of the article helpful as well, as it discusses grounding techniques and other flashback coping tools.

The CTAD Clinic's YouTube channel might also be helpful, and if you'd like to make a grounding box or learn about making one, MultiplicityAndMe has a wonderful video about that.

[granulesofsand]

do you think it’s unsafe/dangerous to post about system functions? i would like to post ours, just so we have a better understanding of it, but im not sure if journaling would be better instead. we prefer online stuff because some alters have trouble writing.

We keep separate journals from our social media, and we have a couple safeties in place when we do. If it’s just typing that feels better, you can use a note app or keep everything in drafts (read privacy policies and terms of service if you’re doing that).

While we’re pretty open about how our system works online, we’re not particularly inclined to give identifying information for our body or any member of our collective. There are creeps online, so have a plan for how vague you’d like to be and which pieces to keep to yourself/ves

We queue almost everything. Current events in our life actually took place about a month ago, and any details of our structures or even opinions typically sit for three to five days so we can regret them before the world sees. We only post photos when we’ve left an area, and we change the location and timestamp when possible. Determine how much you(&) want strangers to know about your(&) life at any given time, and give yourself/ves space to discuss big topics before sending them out

Get consent from headmates or prepare to fight. Mentioning system members and their activities can feel violating, especially if anyone has exploitation trauma. Permission every time is ideal unless you know them really well (and even then you might offend them by accident)

Sharing account names and emails/phone numbers across platforms can get you(&) tracked easily. Decide what content you’re posting and remember that outsiders can find you(&) in a video game or gushing over an interest in the wild. Keep separate sideblogs and user info for different topics unless you(&)’re real comfy with people knowing that much about you(&). The more you(&) connect in public, the crisper the picture you(&) give for people looking for you(&)

Lying is okay. Change names, give a funky time period, construct a persona online. That’s harder to do with a journal on the internet, but you(&) need some barrier between the depths of your(&) soul(s) and the general populace. If you(&) are more authentic online, you(&) might have to be less authentic offline to stay safe

And to actually answer the question: no, I don’t think it’s safe to post system functions online. Catch me doing it anyway.

We find that social media allows us to get some peer interaction without the risk of irl relationships being compromised. We can share bits here and then turn around and say those things out loud in therapy

We can say that we’ve heard of others like us and learn what’s normal for our subgroup instead of humans in our town. People understand us, and we get more comfortable diverging from the norm in both modes of life

This much talking to strangers and practicing etiquette makes us better at opening communication amongst ourselves

We get feedback and learn to deal with criticism — including what is important to hear and change and what people are just mouthing off about

Most of us know that we can look for notes on our life (the stuff that didn’t make it into the letters) on this account. We get used to seeing each other’s writing and perspective, and so are less avoidant when we notice these things in physical reality

You(&) get to choose between your(&) own pros and cons. Maybe it’s not worth it to you(&); that’s fine, there are alternatives. Maybe you(&) want to give it a try; good luck, people can be both incredible kind and absolutely scathing. I do recommend asking around/leaving notes for your systemmates to determine what their concerns are, if any. There are shades of how far you(&) might go with each aspect going forth. It’ll probably be messy at first, but you(&)’ll learn. I’ve yet to disappear my system’s online presence, so clearly I enjoy it.

[pine-needle-shuffle]

gosh sorry i started typing this and nearly forgot a tw for body image, self concept that kind of stuff and PLS!! delete if this is not great haha but like

i am not so great with my words when it comes to stuff like this and might not sound great even if i had all the time in the world to get it together but like.... a thing i really love about your art is how much you make everyone look like just some guy even when we're in the fantasy game where everyone is ripped and tight and conventionally pretty. i like that you take all the time it takes to create a piece where this guy is fatter than he is on model, or these facial features on model are exaggerated into things we see IRL all the time (you give cloud such a distinct nose with the hard lines and the downward slope and it's SSSSOOOO GOOD!!!!!!!!) like there's a love i have for on model drawings and the games themselves ofc bc they're the source material for my escapism but like. this is the part where the words fail me but that you (person with a life and many things going on just by nature of being someone) sit down and draw (thing that takes SO MUCH ENERGY) wedge with so much clear adoration and love and then i see everyone in your circles go nuts with just as much love and adoration that it genuinely is helping me more with my own body issues than years of therapy have lmao. maybe the therapy greased the wheels but still. you draw cloud with acne and a "strong" nose and he's still perfect. you take Zack with the "perfect twunk build" and then you give him a time skip of comfortable and safe living and he's a bear and he's fat and hairier and happy and he's still perfect. he's still my favorite guy even when he's not The Most Conventionally Attractive. you draw fat characters and not just skin and bones and muscle characters in these flowing poses that i used to only see for models where you can see their muscles so easily through their skin. i've been working for a very long time to try and overcome my desperate obsessive ruminating on "i need to be waifish and as small as possible" after running the wrong circles years ago. you're giving us art of our favorite guys and also helping at least me with the idea of not needing to be skinny and pale and hairless to be wanted or loved, sorry if this sounds really dramatic and weird but it does very much feel like you've unlocked something in me that makes my life just a little easier so thank you so much for that :0)

anon i am grabbing you by the shoulders this means so much to me you need to know that. and no need to apologize, you articulated your thoughts very well, much better than i think I could have

im- oh god idk where to start, i am unbelievably happy that my art is capable of helping people, its always on my mind when i create but to actually know that people think about it and that it makes them feel better is astounding to me. i want to make people feel seen, to feel loved and appreciated, to be that space for others cause i know what its like not having it. my goal really is to draw people, and people deserve to see themselves in art.

while i feel very small in my online space, to have an impact on others is the greatest achievement i could ever make, and i am so incredibly glad to have helped you in any way. your words mean a lot, thank you so very much for sharing them with me

[zurrr]

@nopecontest says no one uses this place to blog anymore, only reblog, so ill post some thoughts here and call it "blogging".

the internet is getting stupider and as i approach my 30s i find myself thinking more frequently about mid 2000s internet and all the dumb things i was interested in. ytmnd. different internet forums dedicated to sonic, ed edd n eddy, and the powerpuff girls. the friends i lost contact with from those forums. avgn when he was in his 20s and just starting out. wanting to make ytps thinking that was my calling at the time. newgrounds. albinoblacksheep. getting banned from deviantart multiple times because i was under 13. none of this is present anymore and will never be present again and thats bleak to think about on a regular basis. kids on the internet today will never experience online memories like this.

im more accepting of working my same retail job forever than i ever was, as the benefits are all i think about and how things could be worse. it used to be a big anxiety of mine, trying to think about how i could break away from retail and never go back to it, but honestly there is nothing else especially when i have no skills or education (if that even matters anymore) but like at the same time i dont care as much anymore. i make enough to get by. i could buy a thing i dont need and still be able to buy things i do need. im in a good position and have things others dont and theres no reason to fret over it anymore.

ive been figuring out my identity lately. i slowly came to the realization that i do not like wearing feminine clothes or presenting solely as female. ive struggled with body dysmorphia since, i wanna say before age 8 idk anymore, and ive always associated this was having an eating disorder, which im not gonna deny that i have. i often calorie restrict, and sometimes i dont realize that im doing this because im occupying myself so much that im not thinking about taking care of myself. this will be an ever-present thing about myself, but im learning that i can combat this by changing my wardrobe. i feel more confident when im not settling for wearing a dress or putting on make up cuz i feel like i "have to", and instead choosing clothes that are actually comfortable and not form fitting. ive been trying to explore this more, still a ways to go maybe, but mentally it's been comforting to consider and ill say here i go by she/they pronouns. it used to be she/her with no hesitation but thats not me anymore.

ive been watching one piece since last year and it's been interesting. this is one of those series that i never thought about watching, mostly because i didnt really grow up watching anime religiously and this is one i knew existed but i didnt think it was something i needed to touch when i just watched western shows. one piece is good. another thing that is good is dragon ball z, another series i didnt think id ever touch. i think both changed me for the better cuz it broadened my horizons and it feels like i made new friends. not in fandoms, i mean characters. im friends with characters. puar dragon ball is my friend.

to those who have been following me forever but only on tumblr specifically, im still drawing the same ocs. theyve gotten more complex, meaning they are much sadder and burdened with insecurities that i know too well. NEVERMIND is the only thing im gonna do forever cuz it's gonna take me a long time to get anywhere with it and i dont have enough time in a day to do it all, but thats ok to have only one creative focus. NVM is therapy and i dont need another project. you can read my webcomic here but it's on hiatus until next year. it is also apart of spiderforest which is a webcomic collective, maybe check out other comics on SF too while youre at it and support webcomic creators.

im gonna be grieving about panda (the cat i used to post about here) forever and thats ok too. she passed away 2 years ago in november and i think about her every day. i dont get as emotional about it anymore though. i maybe could if i focused hard enough on it, but i dont have to do that because i have a another cat now who is named bean. she's 4 and is so fuckin silly (and smelly) and i love her a lot. more rambunctious than im used to, but the memories i and @nopecontest have begun building with her have been well worth it. here she is playing mario sunshine