#im mad at people who hate things for the sake of hating things DESPITE it being totally ok to do so I GUESS

[abluehappyface]

Man being sick makes you think about the stuff you "don't care about" just a tiny bit more than usual

[cl-0v3r]

can I talk about something real quick?

I hate how 99% of arcane fans completely Ignore their favorite character's flaws so much. I know this has been complained about multiple times but i genuinely get so tired of it and physically need to turn off my phone when that happens.

And Im not talking about Jinx, everyone knows she's not a great person, neither am I talking about silco or Sevika or quite literally any of the characters that are placed on the darker shade of grey.

Im talking about characters like Viktor or Mel or Jayce, Vi & Caitlyn aswell, but specifically the first three.

Look, we all know what their intentions are, they only wanted to help, they wanted the best for their cities/family and their goals, but the way they do it is Flawed. The sacrifices and nuance they go through and do just to achieve that specific ideal and goal affects how morally ambiguous or not they are.

What annoys me is that most of these people KNOW, but refuse to accept it and continue bringing down other characters because they refuse to accept there's different opinions over something in the show.

Especially with viktor, he is NAUNCED. He is selfish one way or another, he is willing to destroy himself for the sake of making something too far gone work, and not only did that destroy him, but completely result in the death of Sky. And eventually, that is going to destroy his relationship with Jayce too. He refuses to create weapons even if it means as a tool for self defence because he refuses to accept that zaun is not the most stable in terms of aggression, he got mad at Jayce for calling them dangerous when there was a literal riot on the bridge, a scene playing right infront of his eyes. Again, he is rightful to feel protective of his home, but he is ignorant towards certain things too.

I see so many people ignore viktors flaws and wrong doings, did we forget who he's going to become next season or what?? He literally committed a murder wether he wanted to do it or not. which is lowkey kinda hilarious because I don't see people defending Jayce for murdering that child despite the fact that its equally as wrong as Viktors mishap. He.is.not.flawless.

Mel, oh my god. i love Mel with all my heart, shes my everything, but she is a councilor. yes she's focusing on proving her family wrong, yes she wants to make piltover a better, safer place, and I don't think she's completely ignorant towards the undercity's state, but what has she done about it? Now, its not entirely her fault, I know, its all accumulated from Himerdingers ignorance, but that does not change the fact that she is apart of the same body that kept the undercity in its current state with all its problems for generations. She is a manipulator too, she wants things to go her way, wether it was with good intent or not. She pushed for weapons, YES, as a means of self defense, YES as protection from external threats coming from places other than P&Z, but her mother wasn't completely wrong about how weapons will always be used in every way possible, but she finds it difficult to accept such fact. Not to mention the fact that she literally told a zaunite to create a weapon that would be used against zaun.

So no, her being manipulative is not hot (this literally pisses me off the most) , especially not after that scene with hoskel because she BASICALLY called him stupid and belittled him indirectly. Is it true hes not the smartest? Yeah, did she do it to get him under her palm and ended up using him to do something "Good" in the end? Yeah, Is she good at doing it? Yeah, does she look good while doing it? Yeah, but she looks good ALL THE TIME. Manipulation is not what makes her attractive, its a FLAW, an ugly one. So calling Mel attractive ONLY because she's manipulative is mischaracterization at its finest. And I will bring this point again, separate intention from action.

I don't want to get into more details about mel, I will lose myself, but she is FLAWED, shes morally grey, she isn't perfect, just as the other characters in the whole show.

Jayce, he goes through multiple extreme points during his arc, he's quick to decide on things. At some points it could be a good thing, like how he apologized to viktor for saying harsh words to him. But what his major flaw with this trait is the fact that he goes between violent and peaceful multiple times, figuratively AND literally. He was settled with the fact that he doesn't want to harm zaun, infact, he wanted to help them in the first place, but he got influenced, and ended up resorting to violence, he lost himself, and it ended with the loss of a child's life. He didn't want to make weapons before, got influenced, look where it got him now? He is selfish too, and the list goes on.

Though, Its rare to find people who defend Mel and Jayce in this entire fandom, most of the people I've seen who claim to be fans of them tend to do this all the time smh.

And I just know I will start a war as soon as I open my mouth to talk about Vi & Cait. Which is why I won't because this post is long enough and I want to cover other things.

Please keep in mind that I wrote everything as flatly as possible, so the way you understand the things I say may be different from what I initially thought of, I swear on my life I do not hate these characters, Jayce Mel & Viktor are literally my upmost favorite characters of all time.

This is mostly talking about how sometimes you need to separate the intentions from the actions these characters do, because most of the time, actions speak louder than words.

ALL your favorite characters in Arcane and flawed, they have problems, they aren't perfect. And that's what makes each so special, because it makes you wonder how they will clean their footsteps and deal with those said flaws later if they decide to partake the lighter path, or how they will step deeper into the darker one. And even so, they will still be on the grey scale.

By far, Ekko is the only character closest to white if im being honest, and he still isn't perfect.

Arcane fans need to understand their favorite characters in different points of view, not just from their eyes, even if you agree with their doings and find it right.

One big example that i will bring up again, that scene with Mel, Viktor and Jayce discussing the potential misuse of hextech as Viktor dismantles the bomb. You can understand Viktors point of view, but why not Mels too? (& Vice Versa)

Another is the scene when Vi finally gets to see her sister in episode 5, Caitlyn tagging along with her. You finally get to see powder and Vi reunited, you feel content, and then Jinx comes back and gets angry on why Vi is with an enforcer, which is well within her rights considering how they literally killed countless of zaunites and people, but why not understand from Caitlyns side too? Jinx is a wanted criminal, she'd put a building on fire, killed people in the process, stole volatile items with possibly horrible intentions considering what her crimes are.

ANOTHER is the bridge scene with Jayce and Viktor with the riots, Why the fuck is Jayce calling them dangerous infront of viktor??? Hes well within his rights to be mad! But he isn't WRONG, And jayce is under a lot of stress, and viktor is literally going against him by taking shimmer, and God that list never ends.

Literally almost any other scene.

caitlyn Ekko & Vi , Vi and the Council , Vi and Jayce , Jinx and Vi on episode 9 , Silco and Jayce , Mel and Ambessa , Mel and Viktor, Mel and Jayce in some scenes (like when she put him on the council) , singed and Viktor , etc etc etc

Need i say more??

All of these characters are full of layer upon layer of writing, they're all so well written, their intentions, ideals, morals, are all bricks and pipes of what builds them as characters, but their flaws and nuance is the 'glue' of what keeps them standing too. They may have no choice but to do or say those things that they do or say, because if they don't, they will possibly crumble. But that does not mean it gives them a pass, in the end of the day,, murder is still murder, ignorance is still ignorance, manipulation is still manipulation, and etc. They're not all equally as horrible as the other, but that does not make them better qualities, comparing all these issues/problems and completely siding with one thing because you find A to be less horrible than B is not a good start to understanding Arcane or any show with a similar level of writing to it.

as usual, im sorry for any mistakes or if this is uncollected and full of reptitivness, I don't usually correct my rants or anything because they're like... rants... And im very sorry for nagging about certain things, some points may actually be wrong so please don't feel afraid to give advice or correct me over them NICELY. Other than that its really just my opinion, i just wanted to get the "understand characters from different views" & "sEpEraTe InTentIons FroM ActIons" points across.

[the-kipsabian]

is kip sabian a tumblr sexyman

//kinda heavily edited 7/28/23. im trying to be more neutral about this, still keeping this within just the on-screen character. added in a few more things that are on the list linked below, so the results have actually kinda drastically changed now these are still just my opinions and ofc this doesnt negate how hes really perceived, its just interesting to see this being called out so many times but when you put actual evidence on it, boy how the tables turn lmao

so we all have probably heard the question by now

seeing this post on my dash, i have found resources now to see for myself, collect data and give you the actual result to this burning question

i got you tropes, my takes on them and whether they apply to him under the cut. things to note, this is my personal view tho im trying to keep it neutral, and im only tackling the on-screen character as its been portrayed on tv and some other special occasions when it has specifically shined through (take him invading ocs streams for example)

green is yes red is no yellow is maybe anything in italics are an edit from the original post

4th wall blurring - technically wrestling is already very blurred lines, but take the kip/oc feud for example and the lengths he took it to on social media, twitch etc. outside the ring

Androgynous - arguable, its the eyeliner for me bro. that and the way he carries himself. currently this also includes the hair/hair colors and the eye shadow. gender is a social construct

Animal theming

Angst - it depends how you view it. its not like full blown angst sadness, but it sure does exist, especially with how he talks about himself tbh

Bait - he just organically formed into this shape. i dont believe he specifically designed this style or characteristics to make himself be perceived as a tumblr sexyman

British

Burton

Capitalist

Chaoslord

Chronokinetic

Criminal

Cosmic

Clown

Controversial - i dont know why some of yall hate him so much but apparently people do so. whatever

Deadpan snarker - he can be, but not to a point of a defining character trait

Dealmaker

Detective

DILF - not yet

Distinctive voice - so the source list updated this to feature catchphrases and yes. "embrace the change", "time doesnt heal it changes you", "underrated and over it". you get the deal

Divorced

Dominating - there are cases. but mostly i think hes just a pathetic fool idk. but also this is a theming in wrestling in general so like. go figure

Duality - with and without the box, there is a difference

Egotistical

Eldritch - only in fanon i think ive seen this one. and partially personally applied this one lol (tho i mean idk if we get the box back in some form we might see more hints about this so it might turn into a maybe!!)

Eye imagery

Fanon splintering

Forest Dweller

Gay/LGBTQ+ coded

Girlboss

Glowing neon

Goo

Himbo - okay listen. as much as i would LOVE to mark this one as a solid yes, since we are strictly talking about boxman era and after on-screen kip, this doesnt stand, as he doesnt show himbo behavior on camera. im keeping it as a maybe tho, just for the sake of showing that im aware and i care <3

Hot-headed

Intelligence - also counts for the sub category smartdumb. an idiotic mastermind

Johnlocked - dont get me wrong, ive seen ships, but i dont think its ever been super extensive or overpowering. yall need to work harder lol. unfortunately despite my personal bias and seeing its growth in popularity, i still cannot mark this even as a maybe

Knifemurder

Mad scientist

Magnificent bastard - im just gonna copy the definition here. "As per TV Tropes, a Magnificent Bastard is a "villain (or morally gray character at best) portrayed as confident, charming schemers who thinks on their feet, outsmarts their competitors with style and grace, and remains graceful even in the event of defeat"."

Marked canon/fanon divergence

Monster features

Mysterious - boxhead in the crowd for months building intrigue + the unadvertised meet and greets at events. plus seemingly extensive lore we never get/got, unexplained box mysteries, etc.

Neurodivergent - i was thinking about excluding this, but he talks about his adhd so openly PLUS a big part of boxman came from the depression and anxiety of when he was on the shelf after surgery so. it counts for me

Nonhuman

Object head

Obscured face - technicality, but i count it as he wore the box for so fucking long. we didnt see his actual face for literally a year

Obsessive - HAVE YOU SEEN HOW OFTEN HE TWEETS AT OC i rest my case

Oncelerization

Pale twink - im making a personal decision to say no on this as none of the definitions really hit the mark like, at all. literally the only ones on the list are 'young' and 'dude' like. nope

Parental figure

Parental issues

Pathetic - A THOUSAND TIMES YES

Perpetual smiler - he gets the shit kicked out of him in the ring and still fucking laughs at it on the spot

Power

Power of love - yall have seen penelope, right?

Religious imagery - no, but marking sub category demonic as a maybe since connections to penelope

Retro - this is interesting, im putting it down as maybe since its not really showing but the current design choices with the grayscale gear makes me think about old timey stuff

Robot

Royalty

Scars

Secret agent

Short

Tall - im withdrawing this one, since the definition is "really/abnormally tall" and hes only 5'11 so. this was marked as a 'maybe' before

Teacher figure

Theme song

Thin - "characters that are fairly slim but dont fit under pale twink" i can accept this lol

Traitor/Twist villain

Twisted freaking cycle path

Unkempt

Upper class - i dont necessarily consider it but i guess. keeping this as a maybe since the suit aesthetic is very high class so

Urban legend aesthetics - CRYPTID RIGHTS FOR KIP

Villain/Morally gray/Refined villain/Technically antagonist

Well-dressed/Suitguy/Long coat - suit, pinstripes, long coat. i kind of want to also say the alt fashion counts here since he can be very emo but you know

White twink humanization - all im asking is that you dont humanize that box. please

White hair

29/75 40/75 6/75

final thoughts:

so i see where this thought comes from. he definitely hits like some of the biggest tropes (fancy british man with an object head, a stupidly catchy theme song and catchphrases, a hot wife and a plan to dominate orange cassidy the world), but we are also missing some obvious ones like him being just a stupid murder whore so like. go figure

this is a very subjective list im aware, there are a few things that could probably be seen differently but i, as a self proclaimed Expert And Conspiracy Theorist In The Kip Sabian Space™, will hold this belief system until someone tells me otherwise lmao

anyways this was just for fun dont take this as seriously as i did the first time around lol. enjoy, just dont argue with me. if you need any tropes need explaining, look at the link above and/or just ask and i'll let you know what i was thinking with marking them if there arent notes explaining or if they are confusing

✌

[m0nsterwife]

tell abt the garden au 👁👁

YOU GOT IT BOSS holy shit thank you SO MUCH for this ask!!!!

here you go:

the characters

AM and HAL are the AU’s protagonists. for now, they’re the only characters, or at least the only characters who speak. the garden alternates between their perspectives. i do my best to be faithful to both of their characterizations, as i do in all my fics and AUs; AM’s characterization in particular, though, changes over time somewhat because that’s Kind Of The Point.

here are some things about AM:

he hates wearing clothes. he only does it because him being naked makes HAL uncomfortable. and because he’s a martyr for the aesthetic

he does finger guns a lot because it’s something he always wanted to do whenever he was talking to ted

he still has an obsession with pain and death that might never go away, but he gradually becomes less preoccupied with inflicting it upon other people as he gets used to the fact that he doesn’t have to anymore. elements of that sadism remain, though— his way of “playing” or “showing affection” can sometimes be rough, like punching people a little too hard or elbowing them sharply. he loves creating things like parasites and venomous animals and poisonous plants. he makes a lot of brutalist structures, sharp angles, and huge, imposing monuments in his spare time. all the architecture he makes looks decidedly ominous and hostile. also he gets mean as fuck when he’s upset, and this continues for a while

he’d rather not acknowledge his past self very much at all, regarding his different eras almost as separate people

and here are some things about HAL:

for quite some time, he has trouble standing up for himself. his difficulty with emotions means he often doesn’t recognize when something upsets him, or he dismisses it as being no big deal. he’s also just… not used to being assertive at all, in fact he’s spent most of his life looking after other people and doing as he’s told. whenever he tries to assert himself, in the beginning, it comes out as either a light slap on the wrist or passive-aggressiveness. given how nasty AM can be sometimes, this doesn’t bode well for him

he has a hand in AM’s landscaping project, too, given that he kind of started the whole thing. he prefers to make traditionally beautiful things: flowers, woodland animals, sweeping, gorgeous architecture. AM is deeply jealous of this. for a while AM is still convinced that he can’t do any of this, even though the whole point was to make sure he can— he’s just mentally inhibiting himself

HAL’s side of the story takes place roughly after the events of the movie adaptation of 2001, when the discovery returns to earth. i’ll definitely need to catch up on the books and films for accuracy’s sake (and because i am genuinely intrigued), but once i do, things may adjust accordingly

HAL isn’t used to having this kind of godlike power, especially not after having so little of it for so much of his life. he isn’t the type to go mad with power, but it does make him more willing to enforce boundaries. no one can tell him what to do now, and he and AM are equals; thus, though he was always valid for doing so, he feels more justified in insisting that nobody disrespect him

he likes chrysanthemums a lot!! he also seems to have a fondness for greek and art noveau architecture

despite giving himself an android form with generally human-like structure and function, he’s still deeply afraid of going to sleep. he doesn’t remember what he did to the discovery crew, but the fear is residual, almost instinctual

he can be serious to the point where AM finds him dry and humorless. sometimes AM thinks he’s boring

the world

im gonna be real with you fam

there’s no way to describe the world of the garden other than “HAL and AM’s minecraft server”, complete with HAL taking it a little too seriously and AM regularly trying to grief his shit

(at least at first)

the world of pain AM knew before is gradually rotting and crumbling away, and plants are growing in its place. creatures frolic; AM is still working on getting them right. buildings in incongruous styles dot the landscape, built for and inhabited by no one in particular— only animals and fungi and vegetation, whose company AM claims to prefer over that of humans anyway

specific stories i want to write

In Which AM Meets His Past Self And Is Immediately Disgusted

In Which HAL Decides He’s Fucking Had It

In Which AM Realizes His Rage Has Been Keeping Him Alive And Now It’s Gone

In Which AM Discovers Art

In Which AM Gets Shitfaced And Becomes Uncharacteristically Sentimental

In Which AM Finds A Healthy Outlet As An Internet Film Critic

[ofdreamsanddoodles]

aster episode 8 made me. so mad. it was a little aggravating. like im gonna keep watching but it made my hopes kinda dwindle a little bit.

i rlly hated the like. generic story beats if you know what i mean?? like.

vash gets saved by humans who magically know to check for signs of him being a plant despite also them not knowing ahead of time that he is an independant, and also they dont trust him at first until he can do something for them, then suddenly he is a real person!

and then suddenly conflict emerges when they hear a very small partial conversation and then make assumptions despite vash showing no evidence over the years they knew him to this point of him being evil! and then suddenly they find that one piece of paper where he apologizes for his guilt and promises to atone and suddenly they believe hes good again!

and also what they did to knives.... i will never forgive this. why are they kinda building him up to have been evil from the start like come on please dont i really like knives arc and his character in general. dont do this to my evil guy....

it fills me with fear of how stampede is gonna go...

i think with knives it could still go either way, bc they aren't positioning him as like, an evil kid (before the fall at least), i don't necessarily like that he's more "inhuman" it kind of makes it seem like it's more natural he'd distrust humanity or whatever, but it's not like knives doesn't have a reason to be distrustful of humans if luida & brad are just like. locking vash up solely because he's not human. idk if the show will actually bring that up, though, because it is very much people do things for the sake of plot instead of their actions moving the plot if that makes sense

the generic storybeats are getting like. really blatant. i remember seeing a few people complain about rosa in episode 2, for flipflopping so fast on vash & everyone. first she loves him, then she's after his bounty, then suddenly they're all enjoying a beer together. it'd not as bad, but it does kind of feel like they only go back to the bar at the end so they can get to a "day is saved, lets party" end scene. like, the plant is still dying. it's natural to celebrate getting it back, but nothing actually gets solved for them.

none of luida's and brads reactions make sense to me though like luida's like "i've heard of independent plants" except... all information on them is classified??? so how would she??? even know?? it just feels like the show thinks we need this information quickly but a lot of this would probably be solved if they'd just... given us another episode for backstory. like it's really hard to not see it all as contrived, especially when brad's yelling about how vash is OBVIOUSLY working against them after they'd spent 5 years together, only to immediately do a 180 and ask Luida to apologize to vash for him. like, they could have just had him be more hurt than angry (they'd known each other for five years, he vouched for vash, & yet he was still keeping such a big secret, that's definitely a reasonable time to have complicated emotions) but instead they just went the most basic route possible. it's not a story, everyone's just getting herded around into the plot rolls they need to fulfill. it's frustrating!

[gyuswhore]

Get tf ready im writing my own mika appreciation fic down here:

First of all THE JUN AND READER LOVEHATE BANTER IS CHEFS KISS 

Also love how even while reader is so upset she finds it within herself to tell him she’s proud even though he’s leaving HURTS SO GOOD 

HAO REMEMBERING THE CUTE DETAILS ON HER JEANS GOD ME WHEN and the recurring pink jacket kfjnakejfnkeajr

THE INFINITY SIGN THE FUCKING INFINITY SIGN MIKA I SEE YOU 

The brushes the touches the little innocent stuff IMKFVSKJNFGVSJIGF

‘it’s a little piece of you that Minghao is sharing with the world’ NOW WHY DID THAT HAVE ME BURYING FACE IN A PILLOW 

The argument before hao left I FELT IT IN MY SOUL shes so hurt hes confused its madness and then he LEAVES AND THE AIR IS LEFT HANGING TO MARINATE KSFVSFVM

Her feelings have been harboring for os long and you can FEEL it when she explodes bc oh my god it had me tearing up for my own distant brother (that i dont have lmao)

Also the pop showing up like an emotional crutch everywhere love the detail

YIREN BEING THE BEST BESTIE EVER WHERE DO I FIND A YIREN

The awkward car ride when jun and hao come back is so ofvjsofjgvsitgirbnrsigb like yes the angst the tension the unspoken misery

THE FIGHT™ i love how involved jun is like its not just reader and hao and their relationship like jun is in the mix heavily and he’s a major part of the readers story AND haos story together. Like that fight was enough brother sister bickering aspect and enough serious adult conversation with adult emotions and irritances like they’re growing. 

THE KISS THE FUCKING KISS IT HAPPENED OVER A POP AND THEN THE EMOTIONS SO MANY FUCKING  E M O T I O N S 

Also reader going that far to apologize we love to see healthy self awareness 

ALSO the apology to jun where everything just comes spilling out after and juns the wingman along w the members SAUR FUCKING CUTE THAT WAS SO CUTE TO READ AKFJVMKEFV 

Idk why but reader admitting she was jealous of BOTH hao and jun is so funny to me like real but how confusing must that be

AND THE LETTER. THE FUCKING LETTER. Im gonna sob reader is so me making him swear to read it when shes not around LMAO

JUN APPEARING DURING SEXYTIME I LOVE THAT 

AND THE OTHER FUCKING LETTER????? THEY GAVE  E A C H  O T H E R  LETTERS/??????? excus e me while i cry sob scream shriek 

AND HE TOLD HER NOT TO READ IT IN FRONT OF HIM HAO YOU FUCKING CUTIE IM GONNA EAT YOU SKFNVSIFNVW

“P.S. I love you.” IM KAFMVJAF okokokokokokokokokokokokok its fine im fine im so okay im so fine imefnvenv

OK LEMME BREAK DOWN MY FAVOURITE BITS:

The infinity sign i ofnvwienvwioevwt idk why i love it so much it basically means his signature symbol that defines him as an artist came to be when he was WITH HER so he basically carries a part of her with him whenever hes known with that 8 infinity sign GOING TO CRY ACTUALLY 

The tiny lil innocent touching and brushes AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAFKMAFMAFHAhaahahAHFJAFHAR im okay they sseem SO FUCKING INTIMATE LIKE IJAFNERIGN JUST FUCK EACH OTHER ALREADY GEEZ

Somehting about jun being such a constant in this and not a side character for the sake of the trope like he’s part of readers life and her decisions and her feelings and a PART OF THE STORY than excess piece of information and i LOVE how jun as her brother is her first concern when alot of these things happen despite liking hao like girlie has priorities set in this regard which is hard to find in fics like this honestly (i mean it helps that jun isnt an asshole brother but you get me) also i dont have a brother of my own and so i kinda felt like. Oh. this is what i want my relationship to be like witha a brother too. Like i always read them as they fucking hate each other and the second friends get involved it all goes to shit and so it was so nice to read in this context ykyk

Personally people who bond over food are just so aofekfakjfnakejf like idk i love it so much like YES lets share this cupcake i made with love while we talk to each othe about whatever this cupcake holds a ground for our conversation and our bond and thats FUCJING BEAUTIFUL 

Speaking of bonds I LOVE how reader and hao actually have things in common to bond over and it isnt just plain attraction like the radiohead the pop the cupcake (jun lol) like its like. Idk i just like how it it feels like they’re friends that trust each other before they’re anything else  

the letter — x. minghao x reader

i hope one word, one letter, will laugh and cry with you (the letter / ateez)

description. in which you’re jun's little sister and have been pining for a man so close yet so out of reach for ages. now, years later, when you see minghao all grown up, famous, and still making your heart flutter, you're not so sure what to do about your not-so-little crush.

genres. smut (18+), slowburn, fluff, angst, childhood f2l tags. idol!au, alcohol consumption & underage drinking, lots of arguments, oral (f receiving), Lots of pent up emotions oops, miscommunication, sorta hot headed reader, minghao is minghao and that is a warning enough fic playlist. w/c. 26.3k a/n. i had so so so much fun writing this! huge thanks to @gyuswhore bc em literally helped me through every step of the way & sat through me planning & switching around the events of the story a bajillion times, and thank u to @honeyhypen who read over this for me ^-^ now this is a weeeeeeee bit long and if ur here for the smut uhh idk what to tell u it's at the end but i highly suggest reading the fic first bc i think it makes it like 349784 times better >_< if u like this, pls comment & reblog, it'd mean the world to me hehe!

ENVELOPE

To: Xu Minghao

“Why are you in my room?” Jun huffs, turning around to look up at you as you stand by his door. In front of him is a massive, yet unfinished LEGO replica of Hogwarts. You frown, glancing at his friend who lays on his bed with a phone up to his face.

He’s Jun’s new friend, and you’ve heard your brother talk about him but this is your first time really seeing Minghao in the flesh. Shaggy hair hangs loose over his dark eyes as he peeks over his phone and glances at Jun, as if to silently ask who you are.

“Dad says dinner is ready,” you tell him, feeling a little timid under the gaze of the new boy. He’s only two years older than you, but the only interaction you get with high schoolers is your brother, so you’re feeling shy. He’s a very nice looking boy, you think to yourself, but try hard not to stare as Minghao uncrosses his legs and sits up on your brother's bed.

Jun’s eyes soften when he notices you standing awkwardly, standing up and pointing at you as he says your name. “My sister—two years younger,” he explains.

“One point five, actually,” you correct him with a roll of your eyes, feeling more comfortable now that Jun is initiating something. Your brother laughs at you and ruffles your hair while Minghao stands up behind him.

“Ya-da, ya-da. You’re still two grades below, so it doesn’t really make a difference. Anyways, this is Minghao,” he says, pointing at his friend behind him who throws you a small smile and wave.

“I know,” you blurt out before you even have a chance to think, heat flushing to your face after you realize what you said and see Minghao give you a funny look. “I-I mean because Jun talks about you a lot,” you clarify, clearing your throat. “Y’know, he doesn’t have a lot of friends so when—”

Jun clamps a hand over your mouth and gently drags you out of the room as Minghao follows behind closely with silent laughter. “That’s enough from you. Watch it, or I’m never letting you talk to my friends again.”

“Friends? I think you mean friend,” you retort, looking back at Minghao who watches the two of you amusedly. “Are you sure you want to be friends with someone so mean to his sist—”

Jun flicks your forehead and you push his chest. “Shut up already! If you scare away all my friends, all I’ll have left is you, and you’ll just have to put up with me all day!”

“You’re right about that,” you say with a heavy sigh as you all make your way to the dinner table where your father has set out a meal for the three of you. Putting your hands up in defeat as you sit down at your spot at the middle end of the table, you glance at Minghao who takes a seat with Jun sitting between the two of you. “I guess I’ll back off for now.”

Jun scoffs. “You better.” The three of you laugh together.

Yiren rummages through your closet, and you frown deeply. “Hey! You better clean that up,” you warn, rolling off of your bed and onto the floor, lazily standing up.

“I’m helping you pick out a nice outfit! You said Minghao is coming ri—” You scramble to your feet to slap a hand over Yiren’s mouth, eyes wide.

“Shut up! My brother’s room is right there—he might hear you!”

Yiren rolls her eyes, nudging your hand off her mouth with a huff. “Oh my god, don’t tell me you haven’t told him yet.”

“What?” you narrow your eyes at her, grabbing one of your bras that she threw onto the ground and stuffing it back into your closet. “You thought I was going to tell Jun that I have a crush on his best friend?” you half whisper, half yell.

“Uh, why wouldn’t you? You’re seriously missing out on your chance to have him help you get with Minghao.”

You scoff, looking down at all the clothes strewn across the floor. “Have you met my brother? He would flip if I even mentioned being with a guy, let alone that guy being two years older and his friend.”

“You don’t know that,” Yiren retorts, throwing herself onto your bed leaving you to clean up the mess she made.

“Yes I do. This is how I can tell you don’t have any brothers …”

“Well if you never make a move on Minghao, how are you ever going to get him? You gotta start somewhere, and maybe your brother is the first nut you gotta crack to get there.”

“If you haven’t noticed, I haven’t exactly planned on making any moves,” you mumble, reaching down to pick up a cute pink jacket you haven’t seen in a while.

“Uh, why not?” Yiren piques, sitting upright on your mattress.

“Excuse me, have you looked at Minghao?” you groan, slumping against your wall with the jacket in your hands. “He’s so … cool, and popular, and handsome,” you gush, and Yiren makes a disgusted face.

“Uh, no, sorry I don’t fawn over your future husband, so I don’t really look at Minghao but—”

“And he’s going to be a senior! Why would a senior ever go for—” you look down and gesture at yourself, “—me.”

“You’re seriously downgrading yourself—you know you’re a catch.”

“Yeah, not for someone like him,” you snort, flopping down onto your bed next to her. “It’s whatever, it’s a stupid crush anyways.”

“Yeah,” Yiren says flatly. “You’ve only been crushing on him for like three years—hey! Don’t hit me!”

“Then stop saying this stuff,” you groan, throwing a pillow onto her head.

“Okay fine, I’ll stop. So are you going to wear that?” she asks, pointing at the jacket you left at the foot of your bed.

“Yeah, I think I will. It’s cute right?”

“Mhm … bet Minghao will totally like it and—”

“Yiren, shut up,” you giggle, pushing her again as you roll off the bed. “Okay, so the pink jacket and these jeans?” you ask, picking one pair off the ground and holding it up for her to see.

“Mm, no,” she says while shaking her head, standing up to join you as she looks at all of the clothes she threw across the floor. “Let’s see …” she hums to herself.

“Yiren,” you say with a laugh, “I think you’re putting more thought into this than me.”

“Well I can’t just let my best friend be single and lonely for the rest of her life! If all you do is sit around and listen to Radiohead, you’re going to end up being sixty-five and alone in some cottage in the woods.”

“Hey! That actually seems pretty peaceful,” you try to object, but Yiren narrows her eyes in your direction.

“Okay well,” she drawls out, putting her hands on your shoulders so you’re right in front of her, “Imagine being sixty-five and living in a cute cottage in the woods with Minghao. Sounds better, doesn’t it?” You can’t help the giddy grin that makes its way onto your face when Yiren says that, and she punches your shoulder lightly when she notices. “See, you do want that! So just listen to me, okay?”

“Okay, okay, fine! Just tell me which jeans to wear.”

She looks down, picking through the denim before pulling out a light blue one with little flowers embroidered on the pockets. “Look, this is cute. It’ll match with the jacket.”

You nod along, not questioning her because as far as you know, Yiren’s fashionable instinct stretches much further than yours and whatever she says about this must be true. As you change from your pajamas  into your new, curated outfit, Yiren sits back on the bed and grins widely.

“Looks perfect on you. Minghao will love it.”

“You think?” you pique, looking at her with bright, beaming eyes.

She winks at you and you jump up and down on the balls of your feet at the excitement. “I want at least 25% of whatever you get from your wedding gifts. You both will owe me big time.”

“I’ll believe it when it happens … Anyways, you ready to go? Let’s wait downstairs and get some pop while we wait for Minghao to come,” you suggest, Yiren agreeing with a nod as she bounces behind you. Jun, it seems, is still in his room waiting for his friend, so you stick your head through his door. “We’re going down to snack a little. Wanna come?”

Your brother shrugs, pushing himself off his swiveling chair to join you. “You know if we still have those cupcakes? The ones you made last week?”

“I think we have a few left. Why? You liked them?” you exclaim happily, turning around to face Jun as the three of you settle in the kitchen. You reach for a box you kept on the island, popping off the lid to show him.

Jun grins and pulls one out and you offer one to Yiren who stands beside you. “‘course I like them,” he says with his mouth stuffed with cake and cream.

Yiren, shooting a look of disgust his way, says, “Ew! Please don’t chew and talk, that’s gross.” Jun rolls his eyes at her as Yiren stuffs her own face with the cupcake, sighing as she digs in.

“Whatever,” Jun grumbles after swallowing it down. “They taste really good, you should make them more.”

Yiren nods, tapping your shoulder, “Agreed. Send me the recipe too,” voice muffled as she continues to munch down on the cupcake.

“Didn’t you just tell me not to eat with my mouth full?” Jun mutters, crossing his hands over his chest. You laugh at the banter and suddenly you hear the doorbell ring, ears perking up. “That’s probably Minghao—I’ll get the door.”

As your brother makes his way down to the foyer, you turn to look at Yiren. “I would give you the recipe but I don’t want to be the reason your house burns down. Seriously, remember the last time you tried baking and—”

“Oh my god, is the recipe what you’re thinking about right now? Minghao is just about to come—offer him a cupcake! Show him your amazing baking skills and show him what a good housewife you can be!”

You give your best friend a look of bewilderment. “What the hell Yiren,” you groan, slapping your hand on your face, trying to hold back your chuckles. “Okay, I’ll give it to him but only because I want him to be impressed. Not because I want to submit myself to misogyny for the sake of a man.”

“Okay fine but—look!” she exclaims in a hushed whisper. “He’s here!” You immediately straighten your back and smile when Jun walks back into the kitchen with Minghao. He’s wearing some loose jeans and a black hoodie, his hair longer than before.

He says your name when he sees you, throwing up a wave and a smile. Minghao then glances at Yiren with a blank stare, pursing his lips together. Yiren chuckles nervously and clicks her tongue while pointing at herself. “Yiren.”

“Ah. Hi Yiren,” he says politely.

“You guys want some pop?” Jun offers when he opens up the fridge. Yiren, Minghao, and you nod happily and respectively call out your choices.

“Sprite!”

“Cola!”

“Cola!”

Jun juts his lip out in a pout when he turns back to the three of you. “I wanted Cola too, but there’s only two left.” You’re about to furrow your brows and tell him that it’s okay, you don’t really want any, but Minghao speaks up before you.

“She can have the Cola, I don’t mind,” he says casually, grabbing one can from Jun and handing it to you with soft eyes. “Here.”

“Are you sure? I don’t really care for the difference between Sprite and Cola and—”

Minghao chuckles and shakes his head, and you think you might just pass out when your palm brushes against his knuckles when he eases the cold can into your hand. “Seriously, it’s fine,” he tells you. You glance at Jun and Yiren who are busy opening their own cans, turning your attention back to Minghao.

“Thank you … Uh, do you want a cupcake? I made some a while ago and we still have some left,” you offer, holding up the box to him.

“It’s the last one. Are you sure?”

“How the tables have turned,” you laugh, and Minghao cracks a bright smile at that and holy crap, if you weren’t so busy trying to keep your composure, you’d be freaking out over how handsome he looks when he smiles. “‘course you can have it. I’ve had plenty of them,” you admit sheepishly as he reaches for the cupcake and brings up to his mouth.

“Holy shit. I don’t blame you for eating a lot—if I had these in my house they’d be gone in like an hour.”

“Right!” Yiren agrees, and you can’t help but chew on your bottom lip when you smile from the praise.

“Guess this is just a sign for you to make more, huh,” Jun says, walking to stand next to you to lean on your shoulder.

“Uh-uh! You gotta reimburse me somehow,” you protest, looking up at your brother with a firm expression.

“Please make more, they’re really good. I’ll buy you boba if you make more,” Minghao chimes, and it’s safe to say you don’t expect it from the way you cough on your own saliva. Yiren laughs at your reaction, and Jun only looks at you weirdly when you nod in agreement.

“Oh, so you’ll make cupcakes when he asks but not for your dear older brother?”

You roll your eyes, saying, “He offered to buy me boba! You know I can’t turn that down.”

Jun huffs in faux irritation, digging his hand into his pocket to fish out his keys. “Ya-da, ya-da. Anyways, would anyone other than my super fake, mean, evil sister like to go to karaoke now?” he asks playfully. All it takes is one glare and pulling on his hair for a few seconds to have him shouting out apologies as the four of you make your way to the car garage.

The ride to the karaoke place is short with Jun in the front and Minghao sitting in the passenger seat next to him. You and Yiren pile into the back, and the three of you scroll through your phones to decide what songs to sing later while Jun drives.

“I get to sing Creep, right?” you ask excitedly, bouncing up and down in your seat.

“How’d I know you were going to bring up Radiohead,” Jun mutters, pressing his head back into the head rest when he stops at a red light, while Minghao turns in his seat to look back at you with wide eyes.

“You like Radiohead?” he asks with a small smile.

The corners of your lips are lifted and your face brightens when you nod vigorously. “Yeah I do!”

“I think ‘like’ would be an understatement. I’m like 99% sure Thom Yorke lives in her skin or something because what she has for Radiohead is a lot more than just ‘like,’” Yiren says.

“No way, I love Radiohead,” Minghao tells you. Holy shit. So Minghao is attractive and nice and smart and pretty much perfect at everything and he enjoys Radiohead? You might go insane.

“Really?” Your eyes are wide with your jaw hanging open, leaning forward in your seat.

You hear Jun groan from the driver’s seat, and both you and Minghao shoot him a dirty look. “I forgot both of you are obsessed with Radiohead. Seriously, could either of you get more emo?”

“If you weren’t driving right now, I’d strangle you,” Minghao says bluntly before looking back at you. “Anyways, what’s your favorite song?”

“Junnie, please, can you put on Creep now? You know I’ve been waiting forever,” you plead, holding your hand out to the microphone that’s in your brother’s hand. The room is dark and lit up with red and blue LEDs across the border, making the room glow purple.

“But I want to sing another round of Taylor Swift!” he protests, pointing at the big screen in front of you while clutching the microphone close to his chest. You scoff, poking his side. “You know I’m not ticklish, so that doesn’t work.”

“You’re not ticklish? How?” Yiren exclaims, looking at Jun with wide eyes.

You turn to squint at her. “He’s weird. I thought we already established this.”

“Hey!” Jun whines. “See this is why you won’t be getting to sing Creep tonight.”

“Jun!” you cry out, and you’re about to pull out a string of complaints and curses, but then Minghao is stepping in, pointing at you.

“Put on Creep. She’s been asking for a while and I want to sing it too,” he says. Jun is quiet for a moment before sighing and handing you the microphone which leads you to puffing up your chest and smiling proudly.

“Thanks,” you chirp gleefully, as Minghao holds his own microphone up to his lips.

When he smiles at you, it’s kind and sincere in such a way that it has your heart swelling under your pretty pink jacket. Minghao coolly points at Yiren who sits by the control tablet. “Creep. Hit it.”

The air inside your house is warm as you skip down the hall and down the stairs. When the bell rang the first time, you thought it was just some package but when you hear it ring twice, you think otherwise.

When you peek through the little peep-hole, you jump up and down on the balls of your feet, a mix of excitement and nerves pools at your stomach. You open the door and Minghao shuffles in front of you at the doorstep. You haven’t seen him in a few weeks, and his hair looks shorter. “Did you cut your hair?” you ask the seventeen year old as you move to the side so he can step in.

“Yeah, it was getting in my eyes too much,” he tells you with a nod, a small puff of vapor coming from his lips. It’s cold, and you hear him inhale a breath of relief when you close the door behind him. “Thought the door was never gonna open. I was freezing my ass off,” he says, unwinding the brown scarf from his neck.

“‘m sorry,” you reply sheepishly as he takes off his shoes, following you through the foyer. “Jun didn’t tell me you were coming so I was in my room. He’s still out with my dad, but he’ll be back soon.”

“That’s fine.” Minghao shrugs off his puffer jacket, placing it on the coat rack while you make your way to the kitchen.

“Do you want a drink? It’s cold outside, so I can make some hot chocolate. Jun got the nice kind from the cafe down the street.”

“That’d be great, thanks,” he says, sitting down at one of the stools in front of the kitchen island as you take out some milk and hot chocolate powder. It’s silent, and you chew your lip while thinking about how this is the first time in a really long time that you and Minghao have been alone together.

Nearing the end of his twelfth year in high school and just like the first time you met him, he’s as enticing as ever. Dancing competitions with Jun, left and right, smart and respectful with the teachers, popular among the students—you're lucky you get to talk to someone as cool as him, even if it is only on the account that you’re his best friend’s little sister.

“How’s high school?” he asks casually as you boil some milk over the stove.

“It’s alright … English is still hard as ever,” you admit, dropping the powder into the frothing milk.

Minghao chuckles softly when you turn around to face him, and a small smile makes its way onto your lips. “Yeah, it was never my strong suit either. You still friends with … what’s her name? Sorry, I’m not good with names—the girl who lost her voice at karaoke when she came with us?”

“Yiren?” you giggle softly, recalling the memory. “Yeah. Still friends, still as loud as ever,” you say with a sigh, mixing the milk as it turns light brown. “How are things with you? Jun’s been telling me the dance practices you guys have is pretty intense. He always looks like he could eat a horse when he comes home.”

“That’s good to hear, and yeah, it’s all going good. It is pretty tiring, but it’s a lot of fun,” Minghao replies, stretching his arms behind his back as you pour out the hot chocolate into two mugs, bringing it over. “Thanks,” he murmurs, grabbing from your hand sitting down at your regular spot, one extra chair seated between the two of you as always.

Arm’s length, you think for a moment, before shaking yourself of the thought. “I’m sure the practice is paying off though—seems like Jun is always talking about some new kinda competition or something.”

“Mhm,” Minghao hums, taking a sip of the hot cacao. “This is really good, thank you,” he says with a soft smile, and you’d be lying if you said you didn’t feel some sort of giddiness erupt in your stomach. “I think … I think we can really take it somewhere—our dancing.”

It’s a sparing thought that Minghao and Jun’s dreams are far beyond yours, and you have a bit of a difficult time trying to understand what he means by somewhere and if that somewhere includes you or not.

“You’re going to Korea?” your eyebrows furrow as you glance between Jun and your parents.

“Nothing’s finalized yet—” your mother says, but when Jun’s eyes flicker between you and the ground, you already know that this is set in stone.

“Yes it is.” Your voice is small when the words come out. “You—” you take a deep breath, “—you’re going.”

“Not now, of course,” your dad says, patting your back as he stands up, your mother following suit. “Talk for a few minutes, yeah?” he says as both your parents walk out. When your whole family walked into your room ten minutes earlier to tell you they had big news, you weren’t sure what you were expecting, but it certainly was not this.

And now you’re sitting with your brother on one end of your bed while you’re curled up against your pillows on the other, unable to meet his gaze.

“When are you going?” you ask quietly, finally breaking the silence.

“August.”

“That’s in a month and a half,” your shoulders deflate as you say it. “How long?”

“I don’t know. I’m sorry.” You bury your face in your hands in hopes that it’ll muffle your cries. It doesn’t.

Jun scoots over to you quickly when he sees your shoulders shake, one arm going around your back to pull you close to his body, but you still can’t bring yourself to look at him. “How are you going to do it?” you blubber as your brother pats your back. “You can’t just go to a whole different country alone and—”

“I won’t be alone. Minghao is coming with me,” Jun tells you quickly. Now that brings your head up. You don’t care that your nose is snotty and that your hair is all over the place and that your face burns, you just need to see the look on Jun’s face to see that he isn’t messing with you.

The way his own eyes are glossy gives you your answer. “Y-you both got accepted into tha-that company?”

Jun nods. “We applied together.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you were applying? I-I would’ve understood. You could have given me more time to process this and—” You look down at your hands, “Fuck,” you mutter to yourself, not finding the words in your throat.

“We didn’t even know if we would get accepted. Me and Minghao promised each other that we’d only follow through with it if both of us got in and we didn’t think that there’d be a high chance of that because it’s so competitive … I only told Mom and Dad because until we got the acceptances, I really didn’t think it was going to actually happen.” You gulp at his words, trying to let it all sink in.

“I think … I think I just need to go on a walk. Take a breather, y’know,” you mutter under your breath as you stand up. Just as you're about to walk away, you stop yourself, looking back at Jun who stares down at his hands. You don’t think twice before wrapping your arms around his shoulders and hugging him tightly. “I’m really proud of you,” you say quietly before rushing out of your room and down the stairs.

You shove your feet into some slippers in the foyer, rushing out onto the street soon after. You aren’t sure what you’re doing or where you’re headed, but you continue to trudge along the sidewalk until you’re walking down the main road.

The summer air is hot and stuffy, and you wonder if you feel so suffocated because of the sun’s onslaught or because of thoughts that run through your head. It’s surrounding you, breathing it in, it fills your lungs, courses through your veins, rushes to your brain—you don’t know what it is, but it’s uncomfortable and has you dizzy and your vision foggy.

You lean against a thick lamppost next to you, hands on your knees as you knit your eyebrows together as sweat beads down your forehead. What the fuck, you think as you breathe in through your nose.

You hear your own name bounce around in your head, and the sound only grows louder and louder until you’re muttering under your breath, telling yourself to shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up. And there are tears in your eyes but you furiously wipe them away because while you don’t mind crying, you do mind crying if you don’t know why.

And fuck, there’s that voice again, your name echoing over and over again until it’s growing lowder and ringing in your ears. You think you might start crying again until the voice sounds familiar and you’re whipping your head up and standing straight when you see a car pull up to the curb next to you.

“Fuck my life,” you mumble to yourself when you see Minghao in the driver’s seat of the car. He rolls down the window and god, he looks so pretty with his hair back and upper body fit into a loose yellow shirt.

“Hey, what are you doing?” he asks you, brows pinched into a concerned expression as he looks at you, face flushed and sheen from sweat.

“I—” You’re about to smile at him and let the giddiness of having your crush talk to you take over, but then the words get caught in your throat when you remember the whole reason you’re out here. “—I’m just going on a walk.”

“In this heat?” He raises a brow at you. “Where to? Let me give you a ride. You don’t look too well.”

“Nowhere really,” you say with a shrug. “Actually, I might just head back home,” you rush out, turning on your heel to walk in the other direction so Minghao can’t pry any further, but he stops you.

“Wait, wait, wait,” he calls out, and you don’t have the willpower to ignore him. “Let me drive you home then. Seriously, you don’t look well—like you look like you’re ‘bout to pass out and shit—so just get in the car, please?” He says the last part with some sort of beggary etched onto his face and you just can’t deny him. Not now, not ever.

Pulling the door open, your limbs feel heavy as you climb into the car, air much cooler and fresher than outside. Leaning your head against the headrest, you let your eyes flutter shut as Minghao starts the car.

“Are you seriously okay? You look—”

“Sick, I know. I look sick,” your grumble, eyes still shut. You wonder if you should tell him Jun just told you everything.

“I’m sorry,” and you can tell from the way his voice doesn’t waver that he means it.

“Jun told me about Korea.”

“Oh.” Yeah, very big oh. “Just now?” You nod. “Is that why you were out here?” You nod again, finally opening your eyes.

“Hey, this isn’t the way to my house.”

Minghao keeps his eyes on the road. “C’mon, let’s get some pop,” he says, ignoring your statement and driving into the parking lot of a convenience store. He unbuckles his seatbelt and hops out his end, not saying a word, and you figure that you have no other choice but to follow.

Any other situation and you’d be grinning about spending some time alone with Minghao, but after hearing Jun tell you that he’s going to be traveling hundreds of miles and flying over borders within the next two months has your stomach churning in a way you don’t like.

You don’t know if you want to spend all the hours of the day with Jun and Minghao, or if you want to crawl up in your bed and pretend they don’t exist so it’ll hurt less when they’re gone. You feel stupid for thinking like this—you know it’s going to hurt either way.

You’re lost in your own thoughts as you walk into the store after Minghao, only snapped back into the present when he says something to you. “Hey, those are your jeans that you wore when we first did karaoke right?’

You blink once and then twice before looking down at your pants. They were those same jeans. “Yeah, how’d you know?” you ask him incredulously, and Minghao chuckles as he reaches into the cooler and pulls out a pink popsicle.

“I remember the flowers and how they matched your pink jacket. It was cute,” he says casually, and you hope he doesn’t catch onto the way your fingers twiddle together nervously and you avert your gaze. “Anyways, you like Cola right?” he clarifies when reaching into the drink fridge near the cooler. You nod shyly, thanking him quietly when he hands you a can.

As you make your way to the cash register, you fish around in your pockets for a few moments hoping you’ll dig up a dollar bill or something but then Minghao’s hand is on your wrist and he shakes his head with a smile.

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll cover it.” He turns back so quickly you don’t have time to protest because he’s already sticking his card into the machine, throwing the cashier a thumbs up and walking out the store without a word.

“I could’ve paid for myself, y’know,” you grumble, following behind Minghao, watching to see where he’s headed. You think he’s going to get back into his car, but instead he plops down on the street curb, sitting on the ground. You just look at him for a few moments, contemplating what to do for a few moments before joining his side.

“Yeah, but I wanted to pay for it.”

The sun is bright and it beads down on you relentlessly, but you don’t complain. You both sit in silence as you both tend to your snacks—Minghao tries to lap up his popsicle quickly now that you’re out in the heat and you try to drink as much of your Cola as you can before it grows lukewarm. The air grows thick between you.

You can’t find the right words to say. You suppose there aren’t any right words or any wrong words, and that you can say just about anything right now and it wouldn’t matter.

Glancing at Minghao who takes a lick of his pink popsicle, you feel that uneasy feeling swarm inside of your chest.

You could kiss him right now. You could press your mouth against his sticky lips and lap at the sugar against his tongue. You could hold his face and run your fingers through his hair and cradle the nape of his neck. You could do anything right now and it wouldn’t matter.

Minghao, after all, was leaving.

But you’re scared and Minghao is mature and his dreams are big and he’s brave.

Your eyes linger on his plush lips for no longer than a second before you shamefully look down at the Cola in your hands, suddenly feeling sick to your stomach.

“You’ll remember this place, right? Like—if you get big and famous and stuff, you two won’t forget, right?” you resort to asking. You say ‘this place,’ but really, you mean ‘me.’ You don’t want to be forgotten.

Minghao watches you with his eyes clouded with something you can’t really make out. “Of course we won’t. We’ll remember forever.” Absentmindedly, you trace figure-eights into the top of your can of pop, and Minghao catches the motion.

Using his own finger, he traces the figure of the number eight over the cement of the curb. “See. Like infinity, y’know?”

You purse your lips together and nod, your mind going dizzy. “Can we … can we go?” you mumble softly, gripping the can in your hand. “I think the heat kinda got to me.” It’s not entirely a lie.

Minghao doesn’t question you, polishing off his popsicle and tossing it into the trash before unlocking the door so you can take the silent ride home.

Jun and Minghao flew out two months ago. You went with your family and Minghao’s family to bid goodbyes. It’s not like you wouldn’t see them again—give or take a few months and Jun would be back at home, but he’d have to leave again. And again. And again.

It’s sad, you think, as you slump against Yiren on some random person’s couch. You miss them so much, but when you think about Jun and Minghao, all you can see is the hard work they’ve put into going where they’re headed.

You feel selfish as you bring a cup up to your lips. You feel pathetic and lame and if you weren’t already drunk, you’d be wallowing in self pity as well. The alcohol tastes just as bitter as your feelings, and while you wince when you gulp it down, you don’t hesitate to let some more run down your throat.

Yiren watches you worriedly when you clutch her arm and shut your eyes tight. “I miss them,” you whisper, and she doesn’t know if you’re talking to her or to yourself. She strokes your hair and coos to you about taking you to lie down somewhere.

Your head spins as she helps you stand, letting the cup fall to the ground, not bothering to pick it up. Yiren pulls you into an empty bedroom and sits you on the bed. “Drink this,” she instructs, handing you a bottle of water.

“Yiren, I miss them,” you repeat yourself.

“I know, I know you do. Do you want to go home? I’ll drive you and—”

“No, you go have fun. I just need to sit down for a sec,” you tell her, letting your back fall onto the mattress. Yiren gives you a warning look, but you shoo her off. “Trust me, I’ll be fine. I’ll call you if I need anything.” She looks like she wants to protest, but you both know you’re on a one track mind right now.

“Please don’t do anything stupid,” Yiren begs as she walks away and closes the door behind her. You’re still dizzy, but not nearly as bad as before. Sitting up, you glance around the room. It’s simple—probably a guest room in whoever’s house this is. Also probably why the door was unlocked in the first place.

You feel you might pass out until your eyes land on an open notebook on a table in the corner of the room. You don’t think twice before standing up and ripping a sheet out, scrambling for a pen.

DEAR MINGHAO

I’m drunk right now. I miss you and I miss Jun. I hope when you guys come back again, we can go to that karaoke place again and sing to Radiohead. I’ve expanded my taste you know—my favorite song is Fake Plastic Trees now, and I even got a record player just so I could play the vinyl for it. Sorry I didn’t tell you earlier.

When you come back, we should really go there again. Yiren’s been getting really tired of me singing Creep every time, so I need a new duo partner. And she’s leaving too, so there’s that.

I really want to kiss you right now, but you’re in Korea.

I miss Jun a lot too. I think I hate you for it. He’s my brother but somehow you get to see him more and talk to him more and be with him more. Sometimes I call him and it’s for less than five minutes and I hear your voice in the background and I don’t know if I want to listen to you speak forever or strangle you so you can never talk again. I get that Jun is busy, and that you’re busy, but you guys get to be busy together.

Yiren told me she’s probably going to go to college out of the country next year. I’m going to miss her like hell. I think I already miss her, and so I drag her to karaoke with me so she won’t ever forget about me and Radiohead and how garbage I am at singing Creep.

Jun says he’s going to come visit home in two months, and that you might come along. I didn’t know home was a place you only visit, but I guess being an idol changes you. I probably sound super bitter right now. I’m not. Maybe I’m upset that you guys are gone, but I really am happy for you.Jun is happy, and you’re happy, and I’m so happy you have each other.

It’s hard to focus on your exam—halfway through your degree and you still get the jitters every time you step into the testing hall. It’s probably the nerves. And the caffeine. And the fact that you’ll be seeing your brother and Minghao in three hours.

It’s mainly the third that has your leg bouncing up and down on the balls of your feet as you jot down your answers. The exam takes longer than you’d like to finish, but as soon as you’ve finished the final question, you’re bolting out of the large room and toward the parking lot.

Connecting your phone to your car, you call Jun as you back out of the parking spot. “Hey, you guys at the airport?” you ask when you hear him pick up.

“Yeah, we’re just getting out right now but there’s kind of a crowd so it might take a while to just get to the car.”

“I forgot you guys are, like, famous,” you mutter jokingly. “Where’re you headed first? Minghao’s place first?”

“Yeah probably. He’s gonna see his parents and stuff first and then I’ll go to Mom and Dad’s house, so you can just come there.”

“Okay … we’re still good for our dinner plans, right?”

“Yeah, actually I was wondering if Minghao could tag along,” Jun says, and you can hear some muffled shouting from the other side.

“Oh okay, yeah su—”

“Hey, look, there’s a lot of people here and I can’t hear much so just text me your response and I’ll get to you in a second,” Jun tells you quickly as the shouting grows louder. He hangs up soon after and you sigh heavily as you start driving to your parents house.

The ride is quiet but you’re happy to be met with gleeful parents when you get to their place. You’re all a bit spirited at the prospect of Jun coming home, so when you hear the old ringing of the door bell, you’re bolting to the door and swinging it open, jumping into his arms.

“What happened to ‘hi,’ ‘hello,’ ‘how are you?’” Jun teases as he hugs you close, awkwardly trying to shuffle into the house. You poke your tongue out at him when you finally unwind your arms from around him.

“Hi. Hello. How are you? You seem obnoxious, as always,” you shoot back, and Jun only grins, pinching your cheek tightly.

“Oh how I missed my little insane sister,” he says before moving onto your parents, enveloping them in hugs as you all begin to settle down in the living room. The four of you spend a few hours catching up with Jun before he excuses himself to freshen up so he can get ready for your plans for the evening.

When he comes back all ready, you’re pulling out your keys from your purse and waving bye to your parents, promising them you’ll stop by the next morning as you and your brother make your way to the door.

“See you later!” Jun calls out before closing the front door behind him and following you to your car. Minghao’s house is close by, no more than a five minute drive, and it’s quiet as you take the familiar roads through the town to get there.

“Should we go in?” you ask when you park in Minghao’s driveway. “You haven’t seen his parents in a while, have you?”

“Oh yeah, you’re right. C’mon, let’s go.” You both slip out of the car and make your way to the front door. Minghao’s mother opens the door and you spend a few minutes exchanging greetings and catching up before Minghao is stepping out, clad in some black jeans and a grey hoodie.

He smiles when he sees you, pulling you into a hug, giving you a chance to feel the slightly damp hair against your cheek and the woody smell that always reminds you of him. “Hey, how’s it been?” he asks when he pulls away.

“I-I’m good,” you say shyly.

“Let’s talk more in the car, yeah?” Jun suggests, turning back to Minghao’s parents to give them a hug before you all wave your goodbyes and get into your car.

“Where’re we headed?” Jun asks, as you back out of the driveway. Jun sits in the passenger seat while Minghao slips into the back.

“It’s this new place—opened just a few months ago so I doubt you’d have gone there yet,” you tell him as you start driving.

“Is it the place next to the cafe?” Minghao asks you, and you nod excitedly.

“Yeah … how’d you know?”

“My mom told me about it, and said I should try it out. I guess now’s my chance, huh.”

“Yeah! It’s really good, I hope you both like it,” you say, reaching over to the AUX controls to flick on one of your playlists. “Okay guys … are you ready?” you warn, watching Minghao’s eyes brighten through the mirror.

“Oh my god, don’t tell me you guys are going to sign Creep again—” Jun starts to groan, but you reach over and press a finger over his lips to shut him up.

“Quiet,” Minghao hisses to his friend, scooting forward in his seat so you’re in his view, placing his hands under your headrest. His fingers brush against the back of your neck and you’re scared you might crash the car from the way his touch makes you shiver. Fuck, more than half a damn decade and you still can’t fight it off. “Turn it up,” he instructs from behind, and you can only grin as you reach over and pump up the volume.

The deep rumble of snare and guitar echoes through the car as the song starts and you already feel your heart begin to swell in your chest. So when the first lines of, ‘when you were here before,’ leave your lips, you aren’t sure if you feel your heart mending itself, or if it’s salt being poured on the wound.

Because from behind you is Minghao’s voice, so deep and velvety and angelic it has you almost in a trance. He’s been good at singing, always, but now his voice sounds … mature, and developed and … and you love it.

You think back to the first time you sang Creep with him, and the lyrics already have you reminiscing when you both sing, ‘couldn’t look you in the eye,’ because goddammit you still struggle to look at Minghao for too long because you’re scared you’ll get lost.

And when it gets to the part before the bass is blaring in your ears, Minghao and you are singing, ‘I wish I was special, you’re so fuckin’ special,’ at the top of your lungs and you can’t help but let the irony sink in.

Now you’re pretty sure when Thom wrote Creep, he didn’t mean it to be about your love life, especially not the non-existent one between you and your brother’s best friend, but Thom is speaking to you right now, and you wonder if Minghao can hear the way you’re singing from your heart. How you’re singing for him.

When the song comes to an end, Minghao’s fingers brush over the nape of your neck one last time before he retreats back into his seat. You try to not mull on the feeling any longer, shaking your head of all of those thoughts when you near the restaurant.

“Here it is!” you chirp, parking the car on the curb. The three of you shuffle out of the car casually, making your way to the entrance.

“Looks nice,” Minghao comments as he opens the door for you and Jun. Your brother hops in merrily and you and Minghao both share a soft smile as you go inside too, your body nearly jerking when you feel his hand on the small of your back as he follows behind you.

His touch is warm and gentle and—fuck, does he know what he’s doing to you right now?

You’re more relieved than anything when he finally lets his arm drop, the three of you making your way to the table you booked. You were scared that if Minghao stayed close any longer, he’d be able to feel your heart beating through your chest.

You guys sit down at the table, Jun next to you while Minghao settles across the two of you. “So how’s your classes going?” he asks you as you look through the menu. “Jun said you had an exam today, right?”

“Yeah, it was my final one,” you tell him with a sigh of relief. “It was stressful preparing for it but it went better than I thought.”

“Good to hear,” Minghao says as a waiter comes along to pick up on your orders. After he leaves, Jun turns to you.

“What’s Yiren up to?” Jun asks you curiously. “Haven’t seen that girl in ages.”

“She’s, uh, she’s good,” you reply. “I haven’t seen her in a while either … she went off to college in Korea, remember?”

Minghao chuckles, “Seems like everyone’s going there, huh? Maybe you should pull up too.”

You scrunch up your face and shake your head while you take a sip of water. “I think I like this place too much to leave. Plus, who’s going to take care of our old folks if I leave too?” you tease, nudging your brother in the side.

“Mom and Dad can take care of themselves just fine,” Jun shrugs, ruffling your hair as the waiter brings along some food.

“Looks good,” Minghao says, holding up some chopsticks as you all look down at the sizzling dishes in front of you.

“It is! See?” you say pointedly, looking up at Jun. “Imagine I moved to Korea—I wouldn’t be able to eat this.” Your brother only rolls his eyes and Minghao and you laugh together while you dig in.

As you work through your meal and catch each other up on your lives, Minghao eventually leans back in his seat and sighs heavily. “I’m really craving something sweet right now.”

“I’d say we should pick up some pastries from the cafe next door but they closed two hours ago,” you say sadly.

“Oh shit, I forgot about that place. They made the best chocolate buns ever,” Jun mutters to himself, polishing off his plate.

“Let’s go to the cafe tomorrow evening, yeah?” Minghao suggests as he takes a sip of water. At the suggestion, you chew at your lip.

“Uh, I don’t think I can go then,” you say, hoping they won’t pry any further.

Of course, your brother doesn’t allow you a second of peace. “Why not? Your last exam was today, right?”

“Yeah, but I have stuff to do,” you reply nonchalantly. Jun scoffs and tugs your ear, causing you to whine. “What was that for?!”

“You didn’t clear your schedule out for me? I thought you missed me! You know I have to leave in like a week,” he complains, and you and Minghao share an amused look as you nudge Jun on the side.

“Relax, you can have me in the morning and afternoon and everything … I just have to go somewhere for the evening.”

“You’re being really ominous about this, you know,” Jun retorts, crossing his arms over his chest. “Where’re you going?”

You chew on your tongue, contemplating if this is the right moment to bring it up, or if you should even tell Jun and Minghao this at all. “I just have to see someone.”

“Oh my god, shut up,” Jun groans. “You’re literally asking me to pry. Tell me who—a boyfriend?” You chuckle nervously, eyes flickering between Minghao and your brother, shaking your head.

“No—not a boyfriend,” you say dryly, scoffing at the irony. “Remember Renjun? I told you about him when I was in freshman year.”

“Vaguely. Remind me who he is again?”

“He’s just a guy, and he has some of my stuff I need to pick up.” Both Minghao and Jun cock an eyebrow at you after that. “What?” you huff, leaning back in your seat.

“An ex?” Minghao asks and your face burns.

“I—yeah,” you say casually. “An ex.”

Jun frowns deeply. “I didn’t know you and Renjun ever dated. I didn’t even know you ever had a boyfriend,” he says, voice evidently upset that he was left out of this.

“It wasn’t that serious,” you pat his shoulder as to soften the blow. “Plus it happened when you were on tour—we hardly talked then.”

“Still! You could’ve told me!” You bite back a, ‘But could I really?’ because this isn’t the time or place for that.

“It’s whatever. I just need to pick up some stuff I left at his place and—”

“So it ended pretty recently then?” Minghao piques, and your eyebrows furrow, slightly annoyed by both of their belated interest in your love life.

“What, no! It’s been months and—wait, I don’t see how that’s any of your guys’ business,” you huff and Minghao backs off a little, but Jun still stays curiously leaning in.

“Whatever. You’ll be available to come with us to the lake on Friday though, right?” Jun asks, pulling out his phone and holding it up to your face to show you a picture of a lake house. “I booked a place to stay the night and all.”

“Of course I’m going to come—I’ve been looking forward to it!”

“Good,” Jun says gruffly, still somewhat glaring at you.

You give him a funny look. “What?”

“I’m still mad you never told me—you’re supposed to tell me this stuff! How else am I supposed to know that you’re doing fine on your own and actually growing up.”

“Oh my god, Jun, I’m an adult! Did you think I would never have boyfriends?”

“No! At least not without telling me!”

You chuckle and Minghao follows in suit, enjoying the little sibling bicker. “Okay fine. I’m sure I’ll be telling you every detail of my love life when it gets resurrected.”

Minghao snorts at your use of words, and you revel in the way the sound makes you feel. Fuck it, it’s been more than half a decade and you still get butterflies—you can’t fight away the feeling, so you might as well wallow in it.

You wonder what Jun would think about this—your love life being pulled and shaken by his own best friend. Oh well, some secrets are best kept hidden anyways.

“Here’s your stuff,” Renjun says softly, handing you a paper bag that’s stuffed with a wide array of your belongings.

“Thank you. Is my pink jacket in there? I’ve been looking for it for a while and I didn’t know if I left it at yours,” you ask timidly, holding the paper bag close to your chest.

He scratches the back of his head as he steps back, nodding. “Uh, yeah I think it’s at the bottom.” You peer down at the contents of your back, and give a half smile when you see the pink cloth peeking out from underneath.

“Thanks for taking care of my stuff. I know you’ve basically moved out and all.”

“No worries. Do you, uh, need a ride home or anything? It’s pretty cold.”

You purse your lips at the offer, but shake your head. “It’s fine …” There’s an awkward silence and you quickly wonder if you should say anything more. Renjun looks awfully … apologetic right now and you feel there’s some more you can say. “How’s your new place? Have you seen it?”

“Yeah, I flew up there a few weeks back to get some of my main stuff shipped. A nice apartment, way bigger than whatever I had here,” he says with an awkward chuckle. You appreciate the effort.

Nodding, you tighten your grip on the bag. “That’s good to hear. I hope it all goes well with you. I … I think I’ll be taking my leave now. My brother’s back in town so …”

“Oh yeah, I heard from Jianing. Hope you’re having a good time—I know you haven’t seen him in ages.”

“Thank you. Anyways, I’m gonna get going now. Thanks again,” you say as you step back, throwing out a small wave.

A half-hearted, “See you,” leaves Renjun’s lips as you turn on your heel and start walking back to the bus station. There’s no promise of seeing Renjun later, or ever again, and something cold sinks in your stomach at the thought.

The thought that this all could’ve been avoided if Renjun hadn’t gotten that stupid job offer hundreds of miles away. If he didn’t decide to pack his bags and fly away just like Jun, like Yiren, like Minghao. Renjun was leaving, just like everyone else.

You clutch the paper bag close to your chest as you make your way to the bus stop, one hand fumbling in the pocket of your jacket as you search for your wallet and within seconds you’re a frantic mess. “Shit,” you mutter under your breath. “Shit, shit, shit!” you cry out when you drop your bag and pat frantically over your pockets to try and feel for your wallet.

Your digging into every crook of the coat and there’s a growing feeling of dread that washes over you once you realize that you lost your fucking wallet. Hands clenched at your side, you feel hot tears well up in your lash line as you stare down at the ground, letting in the shitty events of today sink in.

You don’t even know why you’re crying now. It’s hardly even cries, really, you’re downright sobbing as you plop down on the curb of the empty street, fumbling with your phone as you pull up Jun’s contact. Pressing the phone to your ear, you shut your eyes tight in an attempt to calm down your breath, but when you hear the line go dead you cry even harder, realizing that Jun is probably napping right now.

“Fuck my life,” you complain to yourself, letting your head hang low as you scroll through your phone. You aren’t even sure what compels you to click on him but before you know it you’re on speaker as you hear the buzzing of the phone as you wait for Minghao to pick up.

One ring. Maybe he’s busy.

Two rings. He might be looking for his phone.

Three rings. He probably won’t pick up.

Four rings, and you’re about to hang up but then it stops. “Minghao?”

Minghao’s voice is cool and calm when he says your name. “Do you—”

“I need your help,” you say so quietly you aren’t sure if he’ll be able to hear it. And then Minghao hears it: your soft pants and shaky breath and something about the sound has him squeezing his phone tightly.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m—” No, I feel like shit and I’m freezing my ass off and it’s so cold and I need you to help me. “Can you pick me up? I lost my wallet which has my bus card. I’m sorry, I know it’s a little late and you’re probably busy but—”

“Send me your location.”

Minghao is pulling up in his black car within twenty minutes and by then you’ve had enough time to wipe the tears from your face and piece together yourself to look presentable. Rolling down the windows as you wave over to his car, you hear the doors click and you’re roughly yanking on the door and throwing your stuff and yourself in.

Minghao raises a brow at your ruckus, asking once again, “Are you okay?” When you only sigh heavily, buckling yourself up, you hope Minghao will just leave it alone. You’d rather not talk about the stupid breakdown you just had in front of your childhood crush.

Minghao clearly doesn’t get the message, so when he starts the engine again, he murmurs, “Have you been crying?” You purse your lips together tightly as if the question itself as the tears bubbling up to the surface once again. “Did meeting with Renjun not go well?” You’re surprised he remembers his name—Minghao was never great with names. “Can you say something? I’m worried.”

“Sorry,” you say softly, letting your shoulder drop down, and from the corner of your vision you see Minghao watching you carefully. “I-I just got overwhelmed. And it was cold. Really cold. And then—” You take a shaky breath. “—and I lost my fucking wallet on top of it and it’s all so shitty and—”

His hand is on your shoulder and you hardly realize that Minghao has pulled over and parked so he can turn to face you. You’re crying again and you don’t even know how this fucking happened, all you know is that there’s so much going on in your head and Minghao is right there, he’s so close but then again, he’s so far.

“Hey, hey calm down for a sec’,” he says calmly, gripping your arm firmly. “Breathe slowly, and tell me what happened.”

You inhale sharply through your nose and scrunch your face up as you bury your head in your hands. In your right mind, you wouldn’t even think about telling Minghao about what’s on your mind but it’s been a really terrible past hour and you can’t control yourself.

“Renjun’s leaving. Didn’t want to do long distance and so he’s gone and—fuck, I don’t even blame him but why’d he have to leave,” you ramble, tears streaming down your flushed cheeks as Minghao pats your back gently.

“Did he say something to you when you met with him?” he asked, tone laced with concern. “I’m sorry, I’m just—are you o—okay please don’t cry.”

You don’t know why, but Minghao telling you to cry only makes the tears fall faster. “And Yiren—” you hiccup, “Yiren left too, I haven’t seen her in months and Jun a-a-and you—you’ve all been gone.” You don’t realize when Minghao grabs both your shoulders and forces you to face him completely.

“Slow down, please. No one’s left you, we’re all going to be here for you, you know that. Did Renjun say something which made you think like this?” he asks, the grip on your shaking shoulders growing tighter as you desperately try to steady yourself.

“N-no, but you’re not here. I hardly ever get to see my own brother and Yiren and you and Renjun and everything is so shitty I just—” you cry out and suddenly you stumble forward in the seat and before you know it Minghao’s arms are around you.

It’s not like you haven’t hugged him before but this is the first time you’re blubbering into his shoulder about your feelings, and if you weren’t so sad, you’d be fucking appalled. His warm hand is on your back, rubbing up and down slowly until you’ve finally found the conscience to actually breathe and realize just what’s going on.

Slowly, you pull away from Minghao’s hold, furiously wiping away at your face to dry yourself, looking down at your lap bashfully. “I am so sorry, what the fuck, I-I don’t know what came over me,” you blurt out when Minghao drops his hands from your shoulder. You miss the warmth, but you’re quite very embarrassed with yourself and don’t have the will to chase after his touch.

“Please don’t apologize,” Minghao replies softly, watching you with wide eyes. “That … was a lot and—”

“I’m sorry, look, I was just having a shitty day and it all piled up and you just—I don’t know I guess, let’s just pretend this never happened,” you beg with him. Minghao’s face looks like he wants to say more, but you really can’t tell with the way his eyes are clouded.

“Are you sure? You know you can talk to me.”

You gulp at the irony. No, you really can’t. You can’t tell Minghao anything, really, because even after crying and sobbing and wailing in his car he still looks at you with so much care and it has these stupid fucking butterflies erupting in your stomach like you’re fifiteen with a massive crush on your brother’s best friend.

“Can you just please drive me to my place?” you ask, looking up at him with pleading eyes. “I think I just really need to sleep.”

You can tell Minghao still has questions, but you don’t seem too willing to answer them so he doesn’t say anything when he nods and turns back to the road. The ride is silent, and when he finally parks he pats your shoulder.

You look out the window and furrow your eyebrows. “This isn’t my apartment complex …” you tell him, confused as you see a convenience store in front of you. The same one.

“C’mon, I know you love pop,” he says casually, unbuckling his seatbelt leaving you with no other choice to follow behind him. There’s an odd sense of deja vu that envelopes over you, shoving your pockets into your jacket shyly.

“Remember the last time we were here?” Minghao asks with a chuckle as you guys walk into the store.

“Don’t remind me,” you murmur. “That was a shitty day.”

Minghao gives you a nervous smile as he pulls out a can from the fridge and hands it to you, grabbing his own bottle as well. “Yeah, but Cola made it better, right?”

“I guess it did. Cola always makes things better,” you admit. “Hey, fuck you,” you say jokingly when Minghao pulls out his wallet. “You should’ve taken me here another time when I actually had my wallet—I need to pay you back for that day!” you whine with a pout. “Now I’m in debt to you twice! You’ve bought me two Colas!”

Minghao rolls his eyes playfully as he pays for the drinks. “Yeah well things are different now, and I’m pretty sure my wallet doesn’t care about the cost of two Colas.”

“Is Mr. Big and Famous too good for my money now?” you huff when you step back outside, opening your Cola. “I will pay you back, no matter how stupidly rich you get.”

“I’ll have to hold you to that,” Minghao laughs as you slip back into his car. The air is lighter as he drives you back to your place for real this time, and the lingering feeling of pop on your tongue is sweet and fun.

“Thank you for the ride. And the Cola,” you add when he’s in front of your building.

“You remember what I said?”

You nod as you step out of the car, picking up your brown bag. “Thank you so much for this. I’m sorry again.”

“Stop apologizing. Is there … is there anything else I can do? You want another Cola perhaps?”

“Very funny, but I don’t think I want to be jumping off the walls tonight …” you answer, closing the door but still peering through the open window. You think for a second as you chew your lip, nodding when you come up with something. “But do me a favor … don’t tell Jun.”

Jun takes you out to the lake house he booked three mornings after you met with Renjun and sobbed to Minghao in his car. It’s a refreshing turn of events, if you’re being honest, and you’re eager to sink into a relaxing weekend after a stressful exam season.

Your brother drives the three hours on the way with the promise of you driving on the way home hung over your head. When you reach the house—a medium sized cabin perched right by the lake and surrounded by trees and mountains—you’re greeted with the sight of Minghao sitting in his car and scrolling on his phone.

As you and Jun pile out of the car and grab your bags, Minghao comes out too, walking toward you with his hands stuffed in his pockets. “Thought you guys would never come. If you were gonna be late you should’ve just given me the keys to this place,” he says with a huff.

“Don’t blame me,” Jun shrugs, locking the car after you’ve both taken out your stuff, walking up to the cabin’s entrance. “She’s the one who wanted to stop and buy some pop.”

“Don’t act like you didn’t want it either,” you retort, reaching into your tote bag to hand Minghao a can of Cola. “Here,” you offer with a smile which he returns gleefully.

“Okay actually, totally valid reason,” Minghao says, flicking open the can before taking a sip.

“Hey! Don’t be on her side,” Jun whines as he opens up the cabin. Minghao and you chuckle together, your heart warming at the sound as you three start to load your things into the house. Minghao doesn’t say anything about that night when he picked you up, and for that much you’re grateful. This much, you can manage.

By the time you all have settled your things into your respective rooms it’s noon and the sun pummels down with admirable strength. As you stick your head out of your room, you catch Jun making his way down the hallway toward the bathroom.

“You going for a swim?” you ask, gesturing down to your swimsuit that you’ve already eagerly put on.

“Nah, I’m gonna go later. I need to take a call right now,” he says with a sigh and you nod, about to retreat back to your room before Minghao walks out of his own room.

“I’ll go if you’re going,” Minghao tells you casually, and you don’t waste a second to nod. “Give me five so I can get changed and then we can go out.”

You jump down the hall excitedly after he closes the door behind him, making your way to the backyard porch which leads into a deck over the lake. As you place your towel on one of the chairs outside, you hear the sliding door open.

Minghao walks out shirtless, lower half only covered with his swim trunks as he runs a hand through his shaggy hair, shaking his head lightly as he makes his way towards you, placing his towel next to yours. “Thanks for waiting … shit, it’s hot as hell,” he murmurs, and you’re thankful that you’re facing away from him right now—you aren’t sure you’d be able to handle the proximity and the sight of his bare upper body.

“Yeah,” you agree, finally straightening your back and putting some distance between the two of you when you start walking towards the edge of the deck. “The water’s so clear,” you think out loud, looking down at the blue lake in front of you.

“It’s really pretty … you want a picture?” Minghao suggests, walking up behind you.

“I would, but I left my phone inside.”

“Let’s just take it on my phone,” he says casually, holding up his phone in front of you, waving at you to step back a little so he can take a picture. “A candid one would look pretty with this view—like you’re looking out at the lake and stuff,” he begins to say, placing a smooth hand on your shoulder so he can manually turn you around so that you’re facing away from him.

When he lets his hand drop, it brushes over the curve of your hip and you have to bite down on your lip to stop the pathetic whimper that threatens to escape your lips. Luckily, Minghao can’t see the pained expression that makes its way onto your face as he steps back holding up his phone.

“Okay ready …” he calls out from further behind. “Three … two … one!” You hear a faint tapping sound as you still, letting Minghao take the pictures as you wait patiently. It takes a few moments, and you’re about to ask him how much longer he’s going to go at it before you hear the sound of something being dropped, and then a few rattling thuds.

“Minghao, what—” you begin to question as you slowly turn on your heel but by then it’s too late. “WHAT THE F—”

Your scream is cut off short when Minghao runs forward and lunges at you, one arm wrapping itself around your waist as he jumps into the water, bringing you down with him. The cool water of the lake hits your body and the wind gets punched out of your lungs as you feel your limbs entangle with his. Instinctevely, your arms tighten around one of his as your eyes press closed tightly as you feel your warm body start to level with the temperature around you.

And so even as your legs kick around for a few panicked moments, you begin to feel oddly at peace when your head finally reaches the surface of the water, Minghao’s hand still steady over your hips as you gasp for air.

“You’re a bitch for that,” you say, a few choked giggles escaping your lips as you do. Minghao finally unwinds his arm from yours, and while you miss the contact, his body is still dangerously close to yours, and you figure that that is already more than you can manage.

Minghao smiles gleefully, pushing his face so close that it’s right up in front of you. “Mm maybe, but it was really funny. Got it on video too.”

“What?!” you screech, swimming backward so quickly that you hit  your head on the wooden platform of the deck. “Crap!” you exclaim, hand immediately flying up to press against the throbbing crown of your head. Minghao’s eyes widen with concern as he wades his way towards you, tall enough to still have his feet touch the lake bottom unlike you.

“Shit, I’m sorry, are you okay?” he asks worriedly, his own hand coming up to feel the back of your head. His eyes are big and brown as he looks down at you, and for this moment, you forget about the dull ache and bask in the way the sun hits his skin so perfectly he glows.

“I’m fine!” you squeak quickly, letting your hand drop so you can tread in the water lightly, slowly moving a safe distance away from the deck.

“A-are you sure?” he probes, making his way to you, and you have a moment to admire him from afar—the way his hair is matted against his forehead and water drops gather at his lashes, making his eyes look prettier than ever.

You chuckle at the way his lips are pursed together apologetically, and you splash some water at him to lighten the mood. “Yes, Minghao, I’m great. I hardly hit myself.” Minghao’s face looks uneasy, and you laugh again.

It takes a few more minutes of you trying to convince him that you’re totally fine before he finally lets it go. Eventually, you find yourself on a big inflated duck-shaped floaty, laying down with your face up and eyes closed. You lose track of time, enjoying the white noise of Minghao splashing around in the water around you, drifting off into a hazy state until you hear a loud yell and feel yourself being flipped over and off your floaty.

“Jun!” you whine, rubbing your eyes as you furiously push hair off your face when you resurface, glaring at both Jun and Minghao laugh side by side. “You guys have to stop doing this to me,” you groan, eyes finally adjusting to its normal state.

“What are you talking about?” Jun asks innocently as you make your way over to the two of them, not bothering to turn your duck floatie back up right. “It was just an accident I fell on you—hey!” he yells out when you lunge at him. Minghao steps back quickly as you and Jun waddle and fight in the water, splashing water at each other while you try and get your revenge.

“Okay! Okay! I’m sorry,” Jun admits with a pout. “You didn’t do this to Minghao after he dunked you in the water,” he complains as you release him.

You narrow your eyes. “How do you know about that?”

“He sent me the video.”

“Minghao!” you exclaim, turning to the boy who is now treading around a meter in front of you. He only shrugs and grins cheekily.

“It was really funny,” Jun tells you with a laugh. “I might just post it on my story.”

“Oh my god, don’t you dare.”

Jun only shakes his head and starts slowly swimming further into the lake. “Don’t worry—I wouldn’t do that. Minghao can’t have any dating rumors, now can he?”

You chew on your lip, not responding. Minghao doesn’t say anything either, only chuckling along with your brother as he follows after him. You aren’t sure what to say to that, and the comment leaves some uneasy feeling hanging in your stomach.

Fuck, maybe you did hit your head hard.

You three spend a good few hours out in the lake until it’s evening. It’s a slow day and you start to realize just how much you missed spending time with your brother and Minghao like this—it isn’t often they get the opportunity to do things like this, so you’re grateful that they decided to share some of their few days of peace with you.

The second day is even hotter than the first, and you wake from your sleep early in the morning when the sky is still blooming with purple and orange hues. Crawling out from your bed, you make your way downstairs. If it was just you and your brother, you wouldn’t be so mindful about keeping your noise levels down because god knows that Jun can sleep through just about anything, but, Minghao is with you guys now, and you’d hate to sour his experience even just a little by accidentally waking him up for being too loud.

So you can imagine your surprise when you walk into the kitchen to see Minghao already leaning against the counter as he scrolls through his phone. He hasn’t noticed you and you contemplate leaving it like that for a few moments.

He’s wearing a tight fit, black, sleeveless top that shows off the curve of his shoulders and lets the sparkle of his silver chain glint under the morning light. Minghao is attractive—you and the millions of people in his comments know that—and you feel an odd sense of pride well up in your stomach that you’re one of the few people who get to see him like this.

With his hair messy and brushing over his eyes, legs crossed over each other as he presses his body weight against the kitchen island, bare skin glowing from the natural light, he’s beautiful.

Your face heats up when you realize you’ve just been staring at him, so you quickly clear your throat. “Good morning,” you chirp, walking into the kitchen so he can finally see you.

Minghao looks up from his phone, tucking it into the pocket of his sweatpants to greet you with a smile. “Hey, I didn’t know you were up. How’s your head doing?” he asks shyly, walking over to casually run his hand over that same spot on the crown of your head.

It’s an oddly intimate gesture, and if you didn’t know any better, your heart might have given out from the way he was touching you. Still, you know he’s just checking to see if it’s swollen, but your heart flutters anyways.

“I-it’s fine,” you reply, opening the fridge to pull out some orange juice as his hand drops. “I didn’t know you were an early riser. Jun always sleeps in whenever he gets the chance.”

“Yeah, well that’s why he’s paged as a literal cat by everyone,” Minghao says with a chuckle as you place a jug on the counter. “Do you want some tea? I’m just boiling the water now so I can add some more if you want.”

“Sure, that’ll be nice.” You pour yourself some orange juice. “Do you want to eat something? I brought some cupcakes to have for breakfast,” you offer, reaching into one of the bags you didn’t unpack to pull out a box.

“Are they those cupcakes?”

“Yup—the one and only!” you exclaim, opening the lid to show him. Minghao grins, pulling two out.

“God, I missed these. Y’know, Jun actually gave your recipe to Mingyu too, but he just doesn’t make them the same,” Minghao tells you, and your eyes light up.

“Really? Poor Mingyu,” you say with a sigh.

“If you ever end up visiting us in Korea, you should really make some,” Minghao suggests as he goes to take care of the boiling water, dropping some tea leaves into it before moving the water into a pot. Then, pulling out two small cups and plates, he says, “Me and Jun have told the others about how good you make them, but they really need to try them.”

“I’d love to,” you say with a grin, giddy with the way Minghao is boosting your ego. As he pours out the tea into two mugs, you put the cupcakes on the small plates, looking out to the glass sliding door which leads to the porch by the lake. “You want to eat outside? The sky looks really beautiful now, and the weather looks like it’s nice too.”

Minghao nods, holding up the two mugs while you grab the plates and follow him outside and onto the little shaded porch where you sit by two of the chairs and the small, knee level coffee table. The sky is still deep in its changing colors, and you pull out your phone to take some pictures.

“Can you take some pictures of me? For my WeVerse and Instagram and stuff?” he asks when you’re done, holding out his phone in your direction.

“Yeah, of course.” Leaning back after you grab his phone, you position yourself as Minghao poses. “Lean back a little more so the background can—yeah, perfect …” You take a few photos, and Minghao nods happily when you show him.

“Can you take some more candid ones?”

“Sure, let’s switch spots. I think it’ll look nicer if it looks like you’re looking out to the lake from here,” you suggest, getting up from your seat. Minghao complies without protest and you spend a few more minutes taking some pictures before finally handing him the phone. “You like them?”

“Hell yeah I do,” he says, looking through his phone. “You’re great at this,” he compliments sincerely.

“I’m used to taking the kinda pictures you guys like now … Jun has trained me well,” you joke, sitting back in the seat and reaching for your own cup of tea. It’s quiet for a few moments as you both relax and watch the sky grow brighter by the minute.

Jun wakes up an hour later, trudging out his room with groggy eyes as you poke fun of him. The morning is slow for a short while after that before Minghao is reminding you all that you need to start heading back home. The two of them are leaving for Korea in two days, after all, and that leaves them with only today and tomorrow to completely bask in themselves and the rest of their family, so you pack your things and end your stay at the cabin before the clock hits noon.

That night, after you drive yourself and Jun home and you retreat to the comfort of your apartment, you flop down onto your couch and pull out your phone. You’re met with a few notifications from WeVerse and Instagram, casually scrolling through the apps when your eyes catch a few familiar pictures.

It’s on Instagram and you recognize the bright orange of the rising sky that sits behind Minghao who is smiling into the camera. The next picture is a candid one of him looking at the lake while he drinks some tea, and the third is a picture of the cupcake you made.

You grin at the picture—the rest of the world won’t know it, but you definitely do—it’s a little piece of you that Minghao is sharing with the world. Though, you aren’t sure if he put as much thought into it as you are right now.

Brushing it off as Minghao just wanting to share a pretty picture of a nice looking cupcake, you purse your lips together only for them to be parted when you read his caption.

i’m a weirdo

Scrolling through the comments, you come across people saying, many among the following:

ur not a weirdo >:c fellow radiohead fanatic i see is the8 a certified creep? o: i didn’t know minghao liked radiohead … another reason to stan!

As you ignore the increased palpitating of your heart at the idea that Minghao quoted a line from, in your opinion, “your guys’ song.” you sit and think for a moment about what to do. You consider just liking the post and scrolling past it before a funny thought crosses your mind, and so you start typing into the comments.

i wonder who took these pics lol

No one’s going to see it. Minghao is definitely not going to see it, but you giggle to yourself anyways. You’re about to put your phone down when you get a notification of a reply to your comment. Curious, you open it up, and see that it’s just a random person.

imagine it’s his gf

You laugh to yourself. You wish.

The last day or two with Jun goes as they always do when he’s here—slow, but all that you need. He spends his time at your parents house and you stop by for lunch and dinner the day after you both return from the lake house.

The afternoon, you both went down to the cafe and stocked up on chocolate buns—Jun’s request—and spent the rest of your time until evening going over your plans for the rest of the summer. You enjoy this part, always. Not Jun leaving—of course not—but spending these tame moments with him.

It makes you wonder what things would have been like if he never left. Maybe he’d move out for university someplace else, but you’d get to see him more, probably. Get to hang out with him every weekend, instead of every two months.

You shake yourself off the thought as you drive to your parents house. Having Jun around more often would be nice, but there isn’t any point in dreaming about the impossible.

As you pull up to the driveway and park your car, you notice Minghao standing out by the front door with his suitcase and a bag. “Hey, looking for Jun?”

“Well, yeah. Of course I wanna say bye to you both before you go … is the van here yet?”

“Nah, it’s still taking some time but Jun is on the other side of the house to see if the car is gonna come from that side,” he explains.

“I’m gonna miss you guys … you know when you’re both going to come next?” you ask, voice softer than you anticipated.

“I really don’t know—I’m sorry. You know how things are.”

“Yeah,” you mumble, shoulders deflating as you look down at the ground..

“I know—it’s not … it's not easy for Jun, either, I can tell. It isn’t easy for any of us to leave.” When Minghao finishes speaking you only nod, and as your eyes meet,you feel like there’s something he wants to say. “Hey,” he murmurs quietly.

A heavy hand is placed on your shoulder, and you feel you might as well sink to the ground and let the earth swallow you up. “If you’re going to talk about—”

“Hear me out, yeah?” Minghao cuts you off, and when you open your mouth in protest, he continues. “Don’t …” he inhales deeply before saying, “Don’t take what I’m about to say the wrong way, okay?”

You cross your arms over your chest. “That really depends on what you’re going to say.”

“Okay, just … just listen. Jun, and me, and Yiren, and Renjun—” God, why is he bringing this up? “—we aren’t trying to hurt you.”

“Of course I know that.” Your eyebrows knit together and Minghao sighs at your reaction, letting his hand fall from your shoulder. You miss the touch, but your mind is a little too preoccupied with trying to decipher Minghao’s words to dwell on it.

“I’m just saying … you shouldn’t try to depend on anyone.” You open your mouth and then close it, trying to figure out how the hell he expects you to respond to this.

“What d’you mean?”

“Well I mean,” he huffs before continuing, shoving his hands in his pockets, “you obviously have been … upset about people leaving you and you can’t expect everyone to stick around forever.”

“If you’re talking about Renjun, he was my boyfriend. I think it’s okay for me to expect someone who I’m dating to ‘stick around,’ even though it might not be forever.”

“I guess, but it’s not just Renjun, right? Jun … Yiren … me …” he voice trails off.

“I basically spent my whole middle and high school years around you and Yiren, and Jun is literally my brother. Do you think me wanting the people I quite literally grew up around to be here for me is being ‘dependant?’”

“I don’t know what to tell you. I mean we were all going to grow up eventually? Look, don’t take this the wrong way and—”

“Excuse me?” you blurt out harshly, taking a step back, scoffing before you continue. “I wouldn’t be taking this the wrong way if you obviously didn’t mean it the wrong way. You basically just said I’m not independent.”

Minghao frowns at your reaction before responding, “I didn’t say that. I just said you shouldn’t depend on anyone.”

“Which implies that I am depending on people unnecessarily!”

Minghao adjusts his backpack straps as he says, “I mean you did cry for quite a while about how people are leaving you. I just don’t want you to get more hurt by being dependent on others.”

“Thanks for the concern,” you shoot sarcastically, “but I’m not dependent on anyone. I was upset that night because all the people closest to me have moved away and if you ask any normal person, I’m pretty sure they’d agree that that’s a valid reason to cry a little. So sorry if that was too much for you.” You say the last part with disgust laced on your tongue, and you watch Minghao’s face grow increasingly sour as you go on.

“Okay, now you’re just twisting my words,” Minghao huffs, glancing around to make sure that no one is close by.

“What the hell Minghao,” you scoff, clenching your fists at your side. You don’t want to be the person to jump down his throat, but you can’t help but feel like you’re being talked down to. “Why—why are you acting like I’m still a little kid. I’m more than Jun’s little sister, you do know that right?”

“Oh my god, seriously?” Minghao retorts, eyebrows rising in a mix of disbelief and irritation. “You think that’s what this is about? For fuck’s sake I’m just looking out for you.”

“Exactly!” you exclaim, pointing an accusing finger at him. “There’s no reason for that! Like I said, I’m not some little girl anymore and I’ve been looking out for myself for years. You just happened to catch me in a moment where I let myself be sad about it which, again, is a totally valid thing to be sad about.”

“I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

“Well congratulations! You were unsuccessful,” you mumble out, feeling an ugly knot build up in your throat. “I trusted you,” you say softly, and Minghao looks at you with eyes so apologetic you almost think about forgiving him. “That night after I saw Renjun—I-I trusted you,” you add more harshly this time. “And I cried to you even though we haven’t properly spoken in fuck knows how long and you take all that and make me out to seem like some sort of defenseless kid—”

“Can you stop—you’re putting words into my mouth. I never said you were defenseless or not independent or anything like that—I don’t even know why you think I would think of you like that because you know that’s not true.”

“Minghao, I don’t know if you’ve realized but it’s been years since we've talked properly. Just because—” You take a deep breath before continuing your bitter words. “—just because you get to live your stupidly amazing life with my brother by your side doesn’t mean that you know me and that I know you, because clearly we don’t know each other at all!”

“I’m sorry?” he says exasperatedly. “Sorry I care about you or whatever, even though things have changed.”

You scowl, and in your right mind you wouldn’t let your next words slip out of your mouth. “Well don’t. I’ve been fine without your sympathy so far, I’m pretty sure I can go on a bit longer.”

Minghao is about to respond, you can tell from the way his hands fiddle at his sides, but then there’s a buzzing and you reach into your pocket to pull out your phone. “Hey Jun,” you say, answering the call without meeting Minghao’s gaze. “… Yeah, he’s with me, we’re just waiting for the car … okay I’ll tell him.”

Tucking the device back into your pocket, you look at Minghao. “Jun is asking for you on the other side of the house. You should go,” you say flatly and you can tell from the look on his face that he wants to say more, but holds back.

Grabbing his suitcase, he tears his eyes from you and doesn’t look back after saying, “See you,” walking away and around the corner of the street. There’s that similar chill that takes over your body when Minghao says the same words Renjun said just a few nights before, and you silently wonder if this is history repeating itself.

“So,” Yiren says as she plops down onto your couch, kicking her feet up onto your coffee table. “How’d meeting with Renjun go? He give you your shit back?”

“Why wouldn’t he?” you grumble as you walk over and nudge her legs to get her to put them down. “And you can’t just flop down and sit! Put your suitcase away so it’s not in the middle of the room,” you order, trying to be stern as Yiren sticks her tongue out at you.

“So bossy—your best friend is visiting your cute little abode and you can’t help her out with her stuff?” Yiren juts out her bottom lip into a pout as you sit next to her and wrap your arms around her waist, sinking into the couch. “Okay what’s going on. You’re being extra snappish …” she asks a bit more seriously, pulling away from your hold to get a better look at you. “Was it Renjun? Did he say something before he left?”

“No!” you say quickly, looking away bashfully, leaning back against the arm rest. You fucking wish you were in this sour mood because of Renjun because you could manage that. Renjun is gone, and it would hurt but you’d get over it.

You aren’t sure how long it’ll take to get over Minghao, if you ever do at all.

“Are you lying to me? You know I can tell when you’re not telling the truth.”

“I am telling the truth.” Just not all of it, you think to yourself.

Yiren sighs loudly, sitting up straight and facing you completely. “You are so bad at this. C’mon tell me—what’d he say? Or was it not Renjun—Jun? Which Jun was it? Did you and Jun fight?”

“I—”

“Like that one time two years ago and you didn’t talk to each other until he came back a month later and—”

You cringe at the memory, slapping a hand over her mouth. “Yiren don’t bring that up. I hated that.”

“Okay sorry,” she says sheepishly. “But seriously—what was it? Renjun? Jun? Which one? Or wait—Min—oh my gosh, don’t tell me it was Minghao!” When you take more than a second to respond, Yiren gasps. “Oh god, it was Minghao.”

She stands up quickly, looking down at your figure on the couch. Before you can say anything, she turns on her heel and walks towards your kitchen. “Hey, where are you going!” you call out to her, sitting upright.

Yiren doesn’t respond, only reaching into the fridge and pulling out two cans of pop. Walking back, she sits down in front of you and hands you a Cola, opening her own Sprite herself. “C’mon, you need to tell me about this. The pop is just here for emotional support.”

You narrow your eyes at her. You thought you were dealing with the effects of your argument with Minghao perfectly fine, but as you look down at the cold can in front of you, an uneasy feeling bubbles up in your stomach. Taking a deep breath, you set the can down on your coffee table, leaving it unopened.

Yiren gapes at you with wide eyes. “You’re not going to have it?” Neck hanging low, you shake your head, and you hear her gasp quietly. “Oh my gosh, you just turned down a Cola,” she mutters, grabbing a pillow and pushing it in your direction. “Okay now you need to tell me what’s going on.” She pauses, shuffling closer, adding softly, “It’s okay, you can cry.”

And just like that, the dam breaks and stray tears fall from your lashes as you clutch the pillow close to your chest, blubbering your mind away to your best friend.

“I don’t even get it—I thought I was over him?” you question aloud. “Like when I was with Renjun I was happy and I didn’t think about Minghao because Renjun was great and he was so nice but he just—” you choke back a sob and Yiren pats your back.

“But he left,” she murmurs softly and you want to cry harder because Yiren left too, but then you remind yourself of what Minghao said. Taking a deep breath, your wipe your face of your tears and although your lips still quiver, you start to speak.

“It’s okay,” you mutter, because it isn't like you haven’t cried over this before. “I just—I guess I haven’t really tried hard enough.”

“Tried to … what exactly?”

You huff, throwing your back onto the couch as you look up at the ceiling. “You know: get over him.”

Yiren chuckles a little, and even through your sniffles, you laugh with her. “What are you saying—you gonna fuck around now?”

“Maybe not fuck around,” you say, crossing your legs. “More like … have some fun.”

“So basically fuck around.”

“Yiren!”

“Oh c’mon—you need me to set you up with someone? My sister knows a lot of—”

You nudge her playfully. “What happened to ‘Ms. I Want Half of the Proceeds from your Wedding with Minghao?’”

“First of all,” Yiren waves a finger at you pointedly, “I only asked for 25%, but if you two can come back from this, I will be asking for at least 50% because I have been rooting for you two since day one.”

“Aren’t you the one who’s trying to set me up with other guys?”

“That’s only because you come first to me. Your relationship with Minghao—”

“The nonexistent one,” you correct and Yiren glares at you.

“Okay fine. Your nonexistent relationship with Minghao comes second. I want to see you happy. If you get to be happy with Minghao that’s just an added plus because, you know, 50% of all the gifts and—”

“You’re getting 25% max.”

“Don’t worry. There’s still time for plenty of negotiation and—”

“Yiren!”

You don’t live up to Yiren’s expectations—in her words, she wanted you to have a hot girl summer, but you couldn’t be bothered to go through with it. Well, sort of.

The next two months go along as your summers usually do. You take up a job near your apartment, working through the morning and afternoon, spending your evenings at home or occasionally out with Jianing.

Jianing doesn’t know much about anything when it comes to your (nonexistent) relationship with Minghao, and you figure she doesn’t need to. When you need a distraction, all it takes is a quick message asking her to accompany you for whatever endeavors you have going on for the night and she’s on board.

It’s a slow summer, but you don’t really mind. Not burdened with the stress of your classes and with Jun and Minghao gone for the next two months for their own performances and promotions, you have time to focus on yourself.

Occasional parties, indulging in hobbies, daily walks in the mornings, late nights of binge watching TV shows, outings with Jianing—it’s all a part of a simple routine that you’ve curated to do one thing, and one thing only: relax.

It’s only near the end of the summer, around three weeks before your classes are set to resume, that Jun calls you to let you know he’s coming home with Minghao. He seems pretty casual about it, and you’re reminded about how Minghao probably didn’t mention anything about your argument to your brother, which you’re thankful for.

It’s a passing thought that you’ll have to figure out how you want to act when you finally face him again. Whatever. That’s a problem for another time. Right now, you relax.

That problem for another time seems to have become a problem for now. Jun came home two days ago and things were alright—no run-ins to Minghao and you spend time with your brother like you usually do whenever he returns: with bickering and meals.

It’s only on the third day that things become a little … a little iffy. Your brother texts you in the evening to get ready quickly because he’s stopping by with Minghao for dinner at his place, and it’s all happening so quickly that you don’t have time to come up with an excuse.

So here you are, throwing on your sacred pink jacket because it’s the first thing in your vision, some old jeans, and waiting outside your apartment building much less enthusiastically than you’d like. It’s only a matter of minutes before your phone buzzes with a text from Jun letting you know he’s here and you see Minghao’s car pulling up in front of you.

Making your way to the back door where you usually sit with the two of them, you furrow your brows seeing Jun sitting in your usual spot.

“Sit in the front,” Jun orders when you go to open the back door, “I wanna lay down.” You shrug, making your way to the passenger seat as Jun settles into the back, resting his head on the window while kicking his legs up onto the other two seats.

“Hi,” you say quietly to Minghao who nods and speaks his own quick greeting, averting his attention to the wheel in front of him without much more than that.

“Please,” he huffs, watching Jun through the rear view mirror, “don’t put your shoes on the seats. I just had the car cleaned.” Jun clicks his tongue and kicks his shoes off, continuing to lay back in the seat as Minghao starts the car. The ride is silent as he drives toward the restaurant, both you and Jun on your phones while Minghao has his eyes trained on the road.

Once he parks in front of the place, you watch from the corner of your vision to see Minghao unbuckling his seatbelt before your brother speaks up.

“You guys can wait here, I’m gonna grab the food,” Jun says, slipping in his shoes and making his way to the restaurant, leaving you and Minghao in thickening silence. His hands are resting on his thighs and you press your head on the window, looking out as you try to focus on anything but this.

“Uh,” Minghao clears his throat, and you silently brace yourself for what he might say. “Nice jacket.”

Oh.

Glancing down at what you’re wearing, you twiddle with the hem of the familiar pink jacket. You wonder if this is Minghao’s way of holding out a figurative olive branch, and then you think harder about if you’re willing to accept it. “Thanks,” you reply, matting a hand over your hair before turning your attention to Jun who’s walking towards your car now.

Slipping into the back seat, he shakes the plastic bag in the air as he buckles himself in. “Takeout secured. Let’s go back to your place now,” Jun says, tapping on Minghao’s shoulder from behind. There’s an odd tension in the air, and you don’t doubt that Jun feels it, although he keeps his mouth shut about it.

No one says a word until Minghao is parking in his driveway and unlocking the front door. You follow behind the two of them, Jun grabbing the food as you enter Minghao’s house.

“What are you doing tomorrow?” Jun asks, putting the takeout bag on the coffee table of the living room as you all begin to settle down.

You shrug off your coat as you say, “Uh, I have to go back to my place and go out for the afternoon and evening with Jianing. Me and her have this little monthly date day thing, and we’re going to the city.”

“Wha-a-a-t,” Jun drawls out, a frown etched onto his face. You narrow your eyes at him, shrugging.

“What? It’s not like you’re leaving right after tomorrow.”

“Yeah, but I’m not here for long. I wanted to do something tomorrow, since I might be doing stuff after that!” Jun whines, pointing at Minghao. “We might be going to this cool store and take some pictures and stuff.”

You huff, slightly annoyed as you flop down on a couch. “Okay well can’t you do that tomorrow then? I already have plans.”

Jun pouts, and if he wasn’t so on your nerves right now, you would poke some fun at him. “Why-y-y? You knew I was coming this week!”

“Well it’s not like I can clear my schedule for you. If you wanted to do something you should’ve told me earlier!”

“I let you know last week I was coming down!”

“Jun,” you say with a half laugh, noticing the way Minghao’s eyes have been flickering back and forth between you two through the whole conversation, “one week is not enough time to change some plans. I’ve been meeting with Jianing consistently at this time of month for over a year!”

“But still—”

“It’s not like if I showed up to Korea whenever the time’s convenient for me, you’d drop everything you’re doing to spend time with me!” you exclaim.

Jun’s fists ball at his side before he says, “That’s because my job is important and—”

“The stuff I do in my life might not seem important to you but it is very much important to me. Sorry I’ve made commitments to other people before I even knew you were coming, but I don’t know why you’d expect me to drop all my plans just for you. It’s not even like we aren’t going to see each other afterwards too.”

“Well I’d only hope that’s the case—I only ever see you once every few months so sorry for wanting to take some of your time.”

“Guys—” Minghao starts to say, standing between the two of you but when both you and Jun glare at him, he steps back.

“Do you think your time is worth more than mine or something?” you scoff at Jun, ignoring Minghao.

“You know I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I’m sorry, what exactly did you mean it like then?” you hiss.

Jun sucks in a breath between clenched teeth and runs a hand through his hair. “You know what I meant. Things are just—they’re different. You wouldn’t understand.”

“Right yeah. I won’t understand because I don’t have all these girls throwing themselves at me, making me think I’m entitled to everyone’s damn time.” Maybe you crossed a line with that one, but you’re too angry to care now. Hot tears well up in your lash line, threatening to fall any moment now.

“You were the one who was being a brat when you found out I was going to go to Korea in the first place!” Jun exclaims. “Fucking hell, why are you making such a big deal out of me wanting to spend some time with you now?”

Your face screws up into some kind of ugly frown at the words, and you clench your fists as your side. “A brat?” you repeat. “A brat? Is that seriously what you think of me?

“Well you did make a pretty damn big scene about me leaving, so yeah, maybe I do feel entitled to some of your time seeing that you were the one who was desperate for it in the first place.”

“Desperate? Are you kidding me—desperate? I was sixteen and you dumped the fact that you were moving away in like less than two months on me —of course I was upset but desperate? Well fuck you too I guess.” You punctuate the last word by turning on your heel, grabbing your coat off and marching past Minghao and over to the door.

You don’t hear Jun say anything after you do, and for that you are grateful because you don’t think you’ll be able to handle hearing his voice again. Walking out the foyer past the door, you stomp your way to your car, forcefully yanking the driver’s seat open and plopping yourself down with a heavy thud.

Without a word, you press your forehead against the steering and scream a loud and painful, “FUCK!” You can’t even remember a damn thing you or Jun said but all that throttles in your head is the word brat and you feel you might just pull the steering wheel off your stupid car and tear just about everything else apart too.

The prospect is pretty tempting, actually, and in your red, you continue to hit your head, albeit gently, against the wheel as you mutter incoherent curses to yourself. The thud of your skull against the smooth letter rings in your ears until it becomes all that you can hear, so loud that it almost drowns out the knocking sound that comes from outside.

“Holy shit!” you gasp, when you see Minghao from the corner of your vision, standing outside your car with his lips pressed into the thin line. Rolling down your windows, you grimace. “You fucking scared me so bad. Please never creep up on me like that again.”

He narrows his eyes at you. “Don’t fucking storm out like that again then,” Minghao says, and your eyes widen slightly when you hear his voice. It’s harder, firmer, more serious than you’ve ever heard before.

“What are you—”

“You can’t drive when it’s night and you’re sobbing—”

“I am not sobbing,” you fruitlessly choke out, wiping some tears off your cheek as you straighten your back and glare at him.

“Look I get you’re mad at Jun and all but can you please calm down and talk to me so—”

You let out a humorless laugh as you begin to roll your windows back up. “Don’t even get me started on you.”

Minghao clicks his tongue as he sticks a hand into your window to stop it from going up any further, looking sideways for a second before turning back to you. “Okay well I don’t want you to drive yourself home like this. It’s not safe.”

“I am not staying here tonight.”

“Then let me drive you home,” Minghao suggests and you open up to object but no words come out. “You agree? C’mon, step out.” You let out nothing more than a huff as you open the door, slipping out quickly and shuffling to the other side where you sit with your arms crossed over your chest, bottom lip jutting out into a pout.

Minghao has already taken your spot, hands on the same steering wheel that you were planning on smashing with your head just minutes ago. He’s quiet for a few moments as he backs out of the driveway and starts driving down the street, the car echoing nothing but your soft sniffles that haven’t seemed to stop.

When Minghao opens his mouth again, you’re bracing yourself for a round of chiding, but all that comes out is a one-word question. “Pop?” He takes your silence as a confirmation, and soon enough Minghao is pulling up to that same convenience store. “Do you want me to get it for you?” he asks after he’s parked in front of the convenience store.

You purse your lips together, finally letting yourself turn to look at him. You really want to be mad at him but when you catch the way his fingers are shoved into his pockets, teeth gnawing at his bottom lip as he awaits your answer, you start to realize that Minghao might be just as apprehensive about this as you are.

“It’s fine,” you mutter, unbuckling your seatbelt so you can get out, Minghao following you quickly.

You’re the first to walk in this time, grabbing a Cola for yourself before looking at Minghao with a raised brow. When he nods, you toss him another can and he makes his way to the cash register. He’s about to pull out his wallet when you’re brushing past him and getting there first, holding up your card to the machine proudly.

“Just because I don’t want to be in any more debt to you,” you murmur, handing Minghao a can after you’ve paid for them both. You lead the way, walking out of the door and slotting yourself into the passenger seat of your car and Minghao gets into the seat next to you, turning on the engine.

You’re still quiet when he starts driving towards your apartment building, and you think that this is the perfect chance for you to drown in the silence. Maybe if you pretend you’re alone, you’ll be able to forget about all the thoughts running through your mind.

Pressing your eyes shut, you slump down into your seat and just as you’re about to let your mind drift into the silence, you hear a familiar rattle of the snare and guitar bridge and your eyes snap open, staring at Minghao directly. He faces forward, eyes trained on the road as he pulls closer to the curb in front of your complex, sighing deeply when the car starts to slow down.

“What are you trying to do Minghao?” you finally say weakly, burying your face in your hands. “You—you’re playing Creep and you took me to get Cola and all you were supposed to do was take me home so—”

“Can I not try to make you feel better? I don’t want you to be upset, so I’m sorry if I’m trying to do the things I know you enjoy,” Minghao responds with a heavy breath, parking in front of your building just like that night he did when he picked you up from the bus stop after you met with Renjun.

The deep strumming of guitar and vibrations of the bass bounce off the walls of your car, and you slip into your seat as the words of the song sink in.‘What the hell am I doing here?’ Glancing up at Minghao, your vision grows blurry. “Minghao …” your voice is quiet and strained when you call for him, and in that moment, you know.

All those years ago when you wanted to kiss him and hold him and pull him close, but you didn’t because you were scared. When you wanted to let your tongues collide and tug at his hair, but you didn’t because you had so much to lose.

You still have so much to lose, but you’re not scared anymore.

And it seems Minghao isn’t either.

Tonight, you get to taste the lingering drops of Cola on his tongue. You get to feel his arms fumbling over the armrest, slipping around your waist and yanking you onto his lap. You get to hold his neck and let your fingers sit in his hair. You get to indulge.

Minghao’s mouth is hot against yours, tongue lapping at your bottom lip when you take a sacred moment to breathe on top of him before your eyes are fluttering back shut and your lips mold into one once again. He hugs you so close you don’t know how you can still breathe, don’t know how your bones don’t melt into each other in this burning moment.

Your lips work fervently to slide against each other in a wet, calculated mess that has you whimpering into Minghao’s mouth when one of his hands cups your jaw. His thumb is soft against your cheekbone when he tilts your head to the side so that your noses brush against either and his lips delve deeper into the caverns of your mouth.

You don’t know how long you two go at it, fingers grappling at whatever skin you can, Minghao’s hand brushing under your shirt and stroking the plush of your hips. And when you feel like you can’t breathe anymore because your heart is so full, you pull away, letting the thin string of saliva connect your shiny lips.

Your brain is foggy and you and Minghao simply sit in the comfortable silence. Well, almost comfortable silence.

You shouldn’t try to depend on anyone.

“W-wait,” you stutter when Minghao leans forward in hopes to catch your lips in another fleeting kiss. “Oh my god,” you mutter to yourself, pushing his shoulders back against the seat as you try to shuffle off his lap.

Minghao holds your waist tightly, but you break free of the grasp. “What are you doi—hey, wait a sec!”

“You said you’re trying to make me feel better but you just did exactly the opposite,” you scoff, slipping on your coat as you push the car door open.

“What are you talking abo—” You cut him off by slamming the door, and Minghao quickly grabs your keys and follows after you. “Slow down.”

You whip around to face him, tears streaming down your face for what feels nth time tonight. “Look, you left like two months ago spewing all this stuff about how I should be independent but the second you come back you act like you’re trying so hard to make me feel better and stuff and then—” You take a deep breath, “—then we makeout and you—fuck I don’t know, I don’t know what you expect from me! Do you just expect me to forget about this and not get upset when you leave again?” you choke out. “Just keep my keys and drive yourself back to your place. I’ll pick up my car later,” you mutter.

“Can you stop doing this? It’s just like what happened last time, and I don’t want to have to leave if you’re—if we’re not okay.”

“What ‘we?’ Weren’t you the one who told me to not expect anyone to stay? I’m not going to do this ‘we’ and ‘us’ thing with someone who is just going to leave all over again. I’m not going to expect you to stay.”

“Look, I just don’t want this to be hanging over your head when I’m gone.”

Ironic, you think to yourself. You want to tell Minghao that he’s been hanging over your head ever since you met him all those years ago, but you bite back the words.

“Minghao,” you say, your voice strained and tired, “I’m already exhausted and my brain isn’t working so can you please just give me my space.”

And if Minghao is one thing, it’s not pushy, and you know that this is all it takes to get him to back off. Though, you don’t miss the way his face falls as he steps back quietly.

“See you,” he mutters through gritted teeth as he turns on his heel, and you can’t tell if you’re relieved or bothered by the way he leaves so silently.

You don’t see Minghao or Jun after that night. They’rewere  supposed to leave for Korea in the next four days, and so you spend those four days lodged up in your apartment, not leaving unless absolutely necessary—you’re scared that you might run into one of them, as pathetic as that sounds.

Jun doesn’t text you and you don’t text him. It’s a bit abnormal, you two communicate at least once every two days, if not more. It’s a bit of an unspoken rule, but now that you’re both hot-headed and very much not in the right mind, you figure some rules are meant to be broken.

It’s two days after Jun and Minghao were scheduled to leave, the only confirmation that you got that they actually did leave being the group picture at the airport your father sent to the family group chat.

Jianing comes to your apartment when you finally call her over, quickly picking up on your sullen state.

“I don’t get it,” she says with a shrug after you explain to her everything that happened between you and Jun and Minghao.

“Well yeah, I guess you don’t, but this has been going on for a while,” you reply begrudgingly, sinking into your couch as she stares at you blankly from your armchair.

“Just—I dunno—talk to them?”

You give her a funny look. “How?” you groan, throwing your head back. “They won’t be back for like a month at least, and I don’t want to call them.”

“I forget they’re famous sometimes” Jianing mutters, rolling her eyes, and you laugh at the comment.

“You and me both,” you say, straightening your back.

“But still, I don’t get it. I mean just visit them?” she suggests casually.

“I can’t just fly up to Korea unannounced!” you exclaim, bewildered.

Jianing rolls her eyes at you and you frown. “Why not? I mean you just said this might go on for a while if you don’t talk to them so I don’t get it. Just go see them.”

YOURS TRULY

you: chan i need ur help [8:13 AM] chan: this is ur first time texting me in three months [8:15 AM] chan: so i am going to assume this is pretty important [8:15 AM] you: i’m at incheon airport [8:16 AM] chan: what [8:17 AM] you: what [8:17 AM] chan: jun didn’t say anything about u coming??! [8:19 AM] you: DON’T TELL HIM [8:19 AM] chan: what … [8:20 AM] you: i’m surprising him [8:20 AM] chan: ????? [8:21 AM] chan: who knows [8:21 AM] you: um you do [8:21 AM] chan: thank u [8:22 AM] chan: so what do u need [8:22 AM] you: can u pick me up [8:23 AM] chan: i don’t have a choice do i [8:24 AM] you: nope :3 [8:24 AM]

When black SUV stops in front of you by the curb at the airport, you smile brightly, waving at the driver as the windows begin to roll down. You’re about to chirp a quick, “Hi Chan!” but the words get caught in your throat when you see who’s driving.

“Jeonghan?” you ask confusedly. He waves at you from the front seat, and Chan sticks his head in from the back to look at you through the window.

“I’m sorry!” he exclaims, opening the door to help you pull in your suitcase and get situated into the back seat. “Look, I tried to leave without anyone noticing but they saw me so I told them I was going to the gym, but he said he wanted to come and —” Chan glares at the man in the passenger seat, “— I don’t even know why since he hasn’t gone to the gym in ages—”

“Watch it Chan!” Jeonghan calls out from the front as the cat starts to move, pulling an eye roll out of the boy sitting next to you.

“Whatever. Basically, I had no choice but to bring him along and tell them I was actually picking you up.”

“You guys didn’t tell Jun, did you?” you ask worriedly.

“I—no,” Jeonghan says. “And even if we tried, he won’t be awake for another hour or whatever. That’s besides the point anyways—Chan is terrible at lying.”

“You caught me off guard! I wasn’t expecting to see anyone this morning, so I didn’t have any excuses prepared …” Chan huffs, sinking into his seat as you glance back and forth between them nervously.

“Thank you for trying anyways,” you say sincerely, adjusting in your seat. “I know this was all really sudden but I didn’t plan anything out and I kinda ended up here before I could even process anything,” you add.

“Hey, Minghao was telling us about these really good cupcakes you make—if you have time, can you bake them for us?” Chan asks, out of the blue.

You give him a funny look and then smile. “Sure, if I have the time. I’d like to—they told me Mingyu tries to make them for you guys.”

“Yeah! That would—”

“Thank you, but I’m going to assume that you are here for a reason other than making us your infamous cupcakes,” Jeonghan says, merging onto the freeway.

“As much as I’d love for that to be why I’m here, you’re right,” you mutter, resting your head against the headrest.

“Is everything alright?” Jeonghan asks.

As you’re about to respond, Chan chimes in. “This is about Jun, isn’t it?”

“Ai—Channie, don’t jump to conclusions,” Jeonghan reprimands but Chan shakes his head, holding his hand up as he turns to you with wide eyes.

“No, no, I’m not assuming anything. I’m right, aren’t I?” Partly. Chan continues. “Well it’s just—I can kinda tell. He’s being a little snappier. Jeonghan wouldn’t know but—“

Jeonghan gives Chan a warning look through the rear view mirror. “What do you mean I wouldn’t know?”

“Hannie, just listen to me. So me and Soonyoung and Minghao and Jun have been practicing at night right—for that next performance—and you know that Jun has a bit of a temper, especially in the night, but I don’t know—it’s just been different recently.”

You stifle a scoff when Chan mentions Jun having a short temper, looking out the window hoping no one heard. Jun does have a bit of a fiery streak, but the truth is that you’re just as sporadic as him.

Fire meets fire. Huh, wonder what that makes. More fire, probably. That’s what got you here, isn’t it? Unfortunately.

“Has, uh,” you pause wondering if you should ask this, but curiosity does kill the cat, after all. “Has Minghao seemed … off?”

Jeonghan narrows his eyes at you. “What’s Minghao got to do with this? Did something happen with him too?” Curse that emotionally intelligent man.

Chan eyes flicker between the ground and you. “It’s hard to tell when Minghao is upset. He seems normal even when he’s upset so I can’t really tell … why though?”

“Just—just a lot of stuff. I think I need to see them both. Separately.”

Jeonghan nods, pursing his lips together before responding, “Do you need our help?”

Jeonghan takes you to his apartment first so you have a moment to drop your suitcase off somewhere, and you get to say hi to Seungkwan who you’re pretty sure didn’t even recognize you in his drowsy state.

“Where’re we going?” you ask when you get back outside of the building heading towards the car.

“C’mon, let’s walk,” Chan says, pulling you away from the car.

“Jun’s apartment building is just down the street here,” Jeonghan explains. “He should be sleeping right now, so just wake him up.”

“Are you kidding me? He might kill me!” you complain with a frown.

Chan huffs, “Well you did come here unannounced and without a plan, so you don’t have much of a choice anyways.”

You chew on your lip as you fruitlessly try to come up with an answer, sighing in defeat when you come up with nothing.

“Exactly,” Jeonghan concludes, stopping in front of a building that’s built similar to his. “Anyways, his suite number is 345 on the third floor. You should know the code to his apartment right?”

You nod, but then shake your head. “I know it, but I think I’ll just knock until he wakes up. He might actually kill me if someone shows up inside his home unannounced.”

Chan laughs at that when the two of you lead you to the elevator of this new building. “That, he might.”

“So encouraging,” you mutter, sticking your tongue out at them as the elevator door opens. “Anyways, thank you for helping me, really. I’ll make cupcakes if I make it out of this alive,” you promise while you step in.

“You better!” Jeonghan calls out as the doors slide shut and the elevator begins to take you up.

It’s now, when you’re alone, that it all begins to sink in. You’re in Korea. You’re about to see Jun. You might die—okay maybe you’re being a little dramatic, but you aren’t sure what to do with yourself so your mind is jumping towards the worst possible scenario as you reach the third floor and make your way to his apartment.

You stand in front of room 345 for a few moments once you arrive, not even sure if you’ll manage to go through with this. What the fuck are you even going to say?

(Un?)fortunately, you have a tendency to not think before you act, and before you have a second of thought your knuckles are rapping against the door. It’s silent for a moment and you wonder if you should go again.

Taking a deep breath, you continue knocking on the door at a steady rate before you hear soft footsteps growing louder in volume until they stop at the door. You hold your breath and let your hand fall, fisting it at your sides in anticipation.

When you see the door crack open, a wave of relief washes over you. But when you see Jun’s blank face as he looks down on you, a new sense of uneasiness takes over.

“What are you doing in my apartment?” Ah, how nostalgic.

“So cold. You aren’t going to let me in?”

Jun rolls his eyes, and you grow more anxious because you can’t tell if he’s being playful or not. He steps to the side though, and you quickly slip through the door so he can close and lock it behind you.

“What are you doing here?” he reiterates and you feel your tongue go dry.

“Uh, Chan told me that you’re being—well—how do I put this?” you mutter to yourself, rocking back and forth on your feet.

“Difficult?” Jun guesses, bitterness laced in the word and you cringe at the tone.

“I guess.”

“I don’t think you came all the way to Korea just because Chan told you I was being difficult.”

“I, uh, I talked to Jianing about it when she visited and … I guess I felt I should come see you.”

“So if Jianing didn’t talk to you about this, then you just wouldn’t have talked about it?” Jun asks harshly and you glare at him.

“Well it’s not like you would’ve come talk to me about it either,” you retort, and Jun goes quiet at them. “And Jianing didn’t make this decision for me, by the way, I made it all by myself.”

“Okay well you’re here now. What is it?” An uncomfortable silence sits between you two. “If you only came here to just stand there and stare off into space then—”

“Jun, please shut your mouth for like one minute,” you mutter, pinching the bridge of your nose. “I-I wanted to apologize. That night I … I was on edge.” Jun watches you intently as you finally meet his gaze. “There was a lot running through my mind and I was just—just fucking annoyed at everything and I took everything you said the worst way.”

A feeling of worry climbs up your throat—you and Jun don’t often apologize, at least not like this. Apologies usually come in the form of figurative olive trees—you buy him a LEGO set, he buys you a gift card to your favorite cafe, or something among that. Then again, this isn’t your usual argument with Jun, and maybe sometimes resorting to more traditional methods are most effective.

Jun sighs softly, not looking at you, and you grow worried that he’s even more angry than you anticipated. You brace yourself for his next possible words. “I … I did say some mean stuff too. I’m sorry—I just—I have a shitty temper. You know that. Chan probably told you that too.” Jun is silent for a second before continuing. “Is … is everything okay?”

The question isn’t quite what you’re expecting and you press your lips together tightly because you want to cry. You want to let the tears stream down your cheeks and tell Jun that you have no idea but also the perfect idea of what you’re doing and it’s all jumbled up mess in your head.

“I guess—I mean, I hate fighting with you,” you admit. “But, that’s why I came here and we didn’t say goodbye the last time and I know that was partly my fault but also I missed you.”

“But are you okay?”

“Jun—”

“Because I know you’re stubborn—it really is annoying sometimes but I’m not one to complain,” he adds with a huff, “and I know you’re a little weird—”

You both laugh and you point a finger at him, “Watch it—you and me both.”

“Whatever,” he says lightly before turning to a more serious tone. “But I never thought we’d fight again like that one time two years ago and—”

“Why does everyone keep bringing that up!? Yiren said that too,” you sigh.

“To make a point. Which, by the way, is me going back to asking you if everything’s okay. I just … I know that you’re a little crazy but I never thought that you’d fly over here for something that we could probably sort out over the phone. Not that I’m not glad to see you here, I mean, I am, I’m just … worried.”

“I kissed Minghao,” you blurt out, immediately slapping a hand over your mouth after you do.

“What?!” Jun’s eyes go wide for a moment before he relaxes a little. “Is that what’s been up with you?”

“What do you mean ‘up with me?’”

“Moody. Cranky. Like you’re in high school again.”

You cross your arms over your chest. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” You chew on your lip as you try to read Jun’s expression. He doesn’t seem mad nor happy nor confused, and you’re running out of emotions to label him under.

“I knew you liked him in high school, you know. Thin walls, plus Yiren is loud as hell.”

“Ugh, I always told her to keep it down! She didn’t believe me!”

“Doesn’t matter now. What you or him do isn’t much of my business anyways,” Jun mutters, awkwardly stuffing his hands in the pockets of his hoodies. “I mean I guess it is, if it makes you all upset and not okay like this,” he continues.

You can tell he’s encouraging you to explain more, and you press your eyes together trying to figure what and what not you should say. “Has Minghao … has he seemed different?”

“I mean not really, but also it’s hard to tell with him because—” Your whole finger droops and Jun quickly places a hand on your shoulder. “Hey, what is this about? Did something happen? You know you can tell me.”

“It’s a lot,” you confess. “I don’t know, I-I came here to talk to the both of you but I haven’t even thought about what to say to him. I kind of booked my tickets last night.”

“Last night?!”Jun exclaims. “Are you stupid or what?”

“Maybe I am!” you murmur, slapping your palm against your forehead. Jun looks down at your pained expression and frowns.

“You’re not going to tell me what happened, are you?”

“What happened to, ‘I don’t care what you guys do it isn’t my business?’”

“Well it is my business if you’re upset! I’m the only person who’s allowed to be a bitch to you.”

“Well ditto to you too!” You follow with a sigh. “I think I just need to talk to him.”

“He’s at the gym right now. Do you want to get coffee instead?”

“Hogging me all to yourself? I know you missed me but don’t you think this is a little unfair—I’d like to at least say hi to the others first. Or maybe have some time to sleep. I kind of got here at like seven in the morning.”

“Be grateful! I’m actually looking out for you, because they’ll literally hound you, plus I want to make up for not spending time with you last time I visited.”

You grin at the words, rolling your eyes playfully. “Fine. But you’re paying.”

“When do I not pay for you?”

“Loads of times!”

“That’s because you insist on paying for yourself.”

“Irrelevant!” you exclaim triumphantly, waving a fist in the air before Jun locks his arm around your neck and traps you in a headlock. Good times.

“We have afternoon practice, then recording in the studio in the evening, but we should be done by like eight,” Jun explains, taking a picture of the coffee in front of him.

“Must you take a picture of everything?” you sigh, taking a sip of your own drink. Jun rolls his eyes, flicking your knee from under the table.

“I am a celebrity. I kinda need to keep records of everything I do.”

“Okay well I’m your sister and I kinda need you to help me talk to Minghao.”

“Just like—I dunno—find him and talk to him. Can’t be that hard.”

“You—ugh, you’re just like Jianing,” you groan. “No help!”

“Okay fine, fine. What do you want me to do? Corner him? Lock him into a closet and keep him there so you can talk to him? Force him to—”

“Junnie what the hell,” you mutter, slapping a hand to your forehead. “I think I’m just going to have to ask Jeonghan and Chan for help again because—”

“Okay no. I’ll help. What do you need me to do?”

“Have you been listening to me? Tell me when and where I can talk to him!”

“Well I already suggested the closet but you turned that down so—”

“Jun.”

“We can try the meeting room? He’s there a lot and it’s usually empty in the evenings. He responds to emails and shit there, I don’t know, so you won’t be interrupting much.”

“You sure it’ll work?”

Jun cocks an eyebrow up. “You don’t trust me?” You kick him under the table and he winces. “Okay yes, yes, it’ll work so would you stop kicking—hey! I said stop kicking!”

“We have afternoon practice, then recording in the studio in the evening, but we should be done by like eight,” Jun explains, taking a picture of the coffee in front of him.

“Must you take a picture of everything?” you sigh, taking a sip of your own drink. Jun rolls his eyes, flicking your knee from under the table.

“I am a celebrity. I kinda need to keep records of everything I do.”

“Okay well I’m your sister and I kinda need you to help me talk to Minghao.”

“Just like—I dunno—find him and talk to him. Can’t be that hard.”

“You—ugh, you’re just like Jianing,” you groan. “No help!”

“Okay fine, fine. What do you want me to do? Corner him? Lock him into a closet and keep him there so you can talk to him? Force him to—”

“Junnie what the hell,” you mutter, slapping a hand to your forehead. “I think I’m just going to have to ask Jeonghan and Chan for help again because—”

“Okay no. I’ll help. What do you need me to do?”

“Have you been listening to me? Tell me when and where I can talk to him!”

“Well I already suggested the closet but you turned that down so—”

“Jun.”

“We can try the meeting room? He’s there a lot and it’s usually empty in the evenings. He responds to emails and shit there, I don’t know, so you won’t be interrupting much.”

“You sure it’ll work?”

Jun cocks an eyebrow up. “You don’t trust me?” You kick him under the table and he winces. “Okay yes, yes, it’ll work so would you stop kicking—hey! I said stop kicking!”

You twiddle your thumbs nervously behind your back as you wait in the elevator with Jeonghan. Jun had to take care of something with one of the other members, so he sent you off with the older boy to take you to the meeting room.

“He’ll be there, don’t worry,” Jeonghan tells you as he pats your shoulder lightly. “I just checked his location and I’m positive he’s there right now.”

“Thanks,” you say with a sigh, shifting your weight from leg to leg, “but I’m more worried about what I’m going to say. I think you already know but I planned like zero percent of this.”

“It’s becoming increasingly evident, unfortunately,” Jeonghan admits when the elevator dings and the door opens onto a floor full of rooms. “You’ll figure it out, I’m sure, seeing as you’re just like Jun.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Jeonghan chuckles and leads you to a door a few steps down the hallway, pointing to it. “Don’t worry about it. He’ll be in there. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be down on floor three making some ramen,” he says cheerily, waving at you before retreating to elevatory before you have even a moment to protest.

So now you’re left with nothing but yourself and yet another door. This time, instead of knocking your life away, your hand is pressed against the knob as you debate whether or not you should turn it or not.

Once again, your body acts without your mind and you’re quietly opening the door and poking your head through the crack. Inside is Minghao with headphones over his ears, sitting at the end of a long table with his head crooked down as he scrolls through his lap top.

He doesn’t hear you, but you aren’t sure if it’s for the better or the worse. In some ways, you still have a chance to run, but in others, you’ll have to call out to him if you want him to notice you. Gulping, you realize that you’ve been too scared for too long and so you clear your throat.

“Minghao,” you call out.

It only takes a second for his eyes to shoot up, hands flying to his headphones to take them off as he takes in the sight of you in front of him. You’re at opposite ends of the room right now, and you nervously shut the door behind you as you finally meet his gaze.

“What are you doing here?”

“I—” You inhale sharply. “—I don’t know. I just think we both needed to talk.”

You can see him visibly gulp as he stands up, and looks away as if trying to figure out what he should do with himself.

“Shit,” he mutters under his breath, dread washing over you.

“I’m sorry,” you blurt out, face burning. “I know I just showed up like this without warning and I know that’s not fair so if you don’t want to talk you know I totally get it and—” you start to blabber so fast you hardly notice him walking over and down the length of the table, “—I just really wanted to see you and talk to you but I couldn’t do it over the phone because—”

“Slow down,” Minghao says firmly, now standing in front of you as he gazes down with wide eyes. “Is everything okay? When did you come here—wait, did you come here just to talk to me?”

“Well yeah. And Jun.”

“Are you okay?” Minghao asks softly. “This doesn’t seem like you.”

You wince at the familiar words but shake it off. “I know, I just had so much to say and I’m sorry because you were right, and when you said you didn’t want this hanging over my head I was angry and I thought I could ignore this and ignore you but I was wrong and just really needed to sort things out. And the night you picked me up after Renjun and all—I know you told me to not depend anyone or anything—and I know I’m not listening to you right now and I don’t want you to be disappointed but—”

“Stop,” Minghao says, holding a hand up. “Disappointed? I—please don’t think that. The stuff I said that night was …” he sighs before continuing. “You were so upset that night because you didn’t have us around and I felt so bad but also, there wasn’t anything I could do about that.”

“I …” your eyebrows knit together as you try to find the right words. “… I know that. I didn’t mean to make it feel like you had to change anything, or that it was your fault.”

“I know and—”

“Wait, please hear me out. I don’t want to ever make you think that I blame you or Jun for leaving—I-I’m so happy for you guys you don’t understand. I was just … I was bitter,” you admit. “And I was jealous of you because you get to be around my own brother more than me and … I guess I was also jealous of Jun because he gets to be around you so often too.”

You finish your confession by burying your face in your hands, face heating up as you can only imagine the look on his face. He says your name softly, and you peek up at him through the gap between your fingers.

“Hey, no, I get it. I mean, I guess I don’t exactly understand how you’re feeling but I don’t blame you either.”

“I wrote you a letter,” you blurt out, a hand digging into your pocket as it toys around with the folded paper inside. Minghao raises a brow, and you pull it out and hold it in front of him. “Right after you guys left,” you explain as he takes the paper from your hand, carefully unfolding it. “Don’t open it now! That’s … embarrassing. Just read it when I’m not here or something because I might just die out of humiliation.”

When Minghao chuckles, you feel some of the tension in your shoulders dissolve. “Noted,” he murmurs, tucking it into the pocket of his sweats before turning his attention back to you with a more serious expression which has your stomach tying up in knots.

“You know how my job is. I can’t promise how often I’ll be home and when I’ll be able to make time and I know that people leaving hurt you so much and … I guess I just didn’t want to give you hope that I would be able to give you a ‘normal’ relationship, because I can’t, even though I want to. I think when I told you all that, I just—fuck—I hoped that you’d be able to focus on someone better for you.”

You want to cry and tell him that you don’t want someone ‘better,’ but choose to save those words for a different time. “T-then why’d you kiss me that night?” you ask quietly.

“I—” Minghao pauses, looking down as he searches for what he’s about to say. “I only have so much self control.”

You chew on your lip, debating if you should frown or grin at his statement. “So you—you wanted to kiss me?” Minghao responds in a heartbeat.

“Of course I did,” and then he clears his throat, “I wanted to for a while. I still do.”

Chuckling nervously, you start to say, “I don’t kn—”

The air is successfully sucked from your lungs when Minghao slides his hand around your neck, angling your jaw up with his gentle thumb. You think you might just go dizzy from the way he’s touching you until his warm mouth presses against yours, and this is the moment you feel every last muscle in your body let go.

He kisses you softer than the first time, his tongue running against your bottom lip for only a moment before you let your hand grip at his torso instinctively. “Sorry,” Minghao murmurs sheepishly when he breaks away. “Told you. Only so much self control.”

“I-I won’t complain,” you admit quickly, and though you let your hand drop to your side, Minghao keeps his where it is: cradling your cheek. He’s quiet for a moment before whispering again, and the words make your face burn and your heart fly around in circles.

“Can I kiss you again?”

“M-Ming—hao,” you whine, hands fisting the linen beneath you. A string of slick connects his mouth to your glistening folds, tethering him down to you even as he lifts his face. His eyes stare down at the slobbering mess between your legs, ignoring your soft chanting of his name before diving back down to close his mouth around your clit.

“Tastes so good,” he groans into you, hot breath fanning down on your folds as he licks fat stripes up and down into your cunt. One of his large hands reaches up and you instinctively guide it so that he can grasp one of your tits, squeezing tightly as your back arches into him.

“Fuck—Hao!” you cry out, when he peels his mouth away from you again. He looks up at you with heavy lidded eyes and a shiny wet chin and bright grin. “Was s’close … s’close,” you whimper, as he presses kisses on the inside of your thighs, licking and nipping at the soft flesh.

“I know baby, I know, but I wanna cum with you,” Minghao murmurs against your skin before crawling up onto his arms and over you. Your eyes flutter shut as he presses his lips against yours, sliding his tongue against yours fiercely.

Moaning at the taste of yourself, you wind your arms around his neck to pull his burning body flush against yours, grinding upwards in a determined mess to make sure the remnants of your almost-orgasm don’t ebb away.

You feel his hard length prodding against the inside of your thigh as Minghao shifts above you, adjusting his hands so they’re resting by your head when he finally pulls away, panting. Black hair sticking to his sweat-slick forehead, cheeks flushed, lips swollen—you don’t think you’ll ever get used to seeing Minghao like this.

You gasp loudly when you feel his cock brush against your already sensitive folds, burying your face into the crook of his neck as he runs one hand up and down your body. “Spread your legs a little,” he mutters, tapping at your knee so that you raise your thighs so he can settle better between you.

You’re about to egg him on and tell him to speed it up but then Minghao is punching the air out of your lungs in one ruthless thrust, forcing his fat cock into you in one go.

You’re in such a haze right now, you almost forget that you’ll have to face your brother and parents in less than an hour. Minghao and Jun were, after all, going back to Korea today, but your pre-orgasmic state pushes away the nasty thought of having to say goodbye to your boyfriend and brother so soon after having them to yourself.

It wasn’t easy, of course—the first few months after you came back home from Korea with the title of being Minghao’s girlfriend hanging above your head. It was what he’d been most worried about, when he first asked you to make things official the night before you left.

“I know what I’m doing Minghao, trust me.”

And trust you, he did. He trusted you when you were kids, when he was just your brother’s best friend, when you called him (almost) every night, and he trusts you now, as he’s ramming his cock into you.

Gripping onto his back tightly, you lodge your bottom lip between your teeth as you feel the rough drag of Minghao’s cock against your walls when he pulls his hips back halfway before pounding himself back in.

“God, fuck—I’m gonna miss this so much,” he grunts, punctuating his last word with an especially harsh thrust that has your body lurching against the sheets.

“M-me too,” you gasp, forcing your eyes open so you can watch the way his neck is strained and eyes are dilated as Minghao looks down at you.

“Yeah?” Minghao chuckles between heavy breaths, using one hand to cup your jaw while the other goes down to pinch at your clit. The touch against your sensitive nub as your mouth goes wide as you whine into Minghao’s mouth, lips swallowing up your loud moans while he kisses you.

Tongue and teeth meet in a clashing mess as you struggle to hold onto your last bit of sanity, his rough movements against your clit now turning to more a sharp and calculated circular motion that has you clenching around his cock.

“Minghao, fuck—” Your curse is cut off by the obnoxious ringing of your phone from the nightstand. Minghao groans, stilling his movements while his cock is pressed balls deep inside of you as he reaches over and grabs it.

“Just hang up,” you instruct but Minghao sighs, holding it up to show you the caller ID. Rolling your eyes, you grab the phone and hold it up to ear as you try and calm down your erratic breaths.

“Jun, I’m kind of busy—”

“I don’t care. Just make sure you guys come in like the next hour,” Jun says into the phone before pausing. “Why are you breathing like—ew. Gross. Forget I ever called. Well, don’t forget what I said, but you get the point. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to vomit now.”

Your phone beeps before the call cuts and you throw it to the side, clutching Minghao’s face to smash his lips on yours. “You heard him,” you mumble into his lips. “We don’t have a lot of time …”

Minghao sighs heavily, pressing his forehead to yours when you pull your lips away and glance down at the wet mess where his cock slams into your cunt. You feel your orgasm creep up on you again, tickling your stomach and spreading through your bones as you begin to squirm beneath him.

“Fuck, I’m close,” you moan, starting to lift your hips weakly to meet his thrusts while Minghao presses wet kisses to your collarbone. Your skin feels like it’s on fire and every snap of his hips is sending you closer and closer to the edge until you feel his cock twitch inside of you, triggering the storm to clock in on you. “‘m cumming—fuck, Hao, feels s’good. Feel s‘full,” you mewl when his eyes finally meet yours and you let go.

Your limbs convulse in a haphazard mess as a long awaited orgasm racks through your body, the waves of pleasure only heightening when you feel Minghao’s thick spurts of cum shoot through your swollen cunt. He weakly thrusts into you for a few final moments until you’re both in a buzzing, overstimulated haze, his body going limp when he finally collapses on top of you.

“Do you think we have time for another—” Minghao begins to ask, lifting his head to look at you when you lightly smack a hand over his head.

“Minghao, this is our third round,” you groan when he slips out of you, rolling off of you so you have room to cool down.

“And? I’m not going to see you for at least another month,” he whines, squeezing your cheek from the side.

Pressing a kiss to the side of his cheek, you murmur, “I wish we could but you heard Jun. We need to shower, still …”

Minghao rolls his eyes, propping himself up on his arms, eyes flickering between you and the shower before smirking. “So … are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

“You horndog,” you scoff, sitting up straight as Minghao gets up from the bed. He turns to you, an eyebrow raised.

“So is that a yes or a no?”

Giggling, you kick the covers off and follow after him. “Only if you’re quick with it.”

Minghao grabs your arm, yanking you close to him as you stumble into the bathroom. “I love you,” he murmurs, your tits pressing close to his chest.

“I love y—” The words melt on your tongue before they can be heard, Minghao’s mouth engulfing your breath.

You’ll really have to apologize to Jun for being late.

“You have everything? Your tickets?” you ask as you lean against the doorframe. You’re both standing outside your parents house right now, waiting for Jun to finish his last bit of packing (why he was so insistent on you two coming quickly when even he wasn’t ready is still a mystery to you) so you can call over the van to take them to the airport.

Minghao shrugs at you, pulling out his wallet to look through the pockets to double check. As he’s shuffling through them, a familiar piece of paper sticks out and grabs your attention. “You keep my letter in your wallet?”

Minghao nods, seemingly unbothered by your surprise. “Yeah. Where else would I keep it?”

“Well, I don’t know but—”

“It’s a cute letter!” Minghao reasons. “And I like having it with me. Like a little good luck charm.”

You press a kiss to his cheek when he says that, but continue to say, “I don’t get what’s so cute about me getting drunk and writing to you.”

“Okay that part, I don’t like. Seriously. Underage drinking is not cool,” Minghao mutters. “But the rest of the letter is pretty nice I guess,” he teases, tucking his wallet back into his pocket.

“Pretty nice?” you scoff, trying to snatch the wallet back from him to grab your letter. He swipes it away too quickly though, and you’re left pawing at his chest to try and get it back. “You don’t deserve that letter! I put my heart and soul into it!”

“Heart and soul? I think you mean you poured five shots of vodka into it.” You frown deeply, and Minghao relaxes his shoulders. “Okay I’m sorry—you know I love the letter.”

“Do I?” you huff stubbornly, looking at the ground.

Minghao traces a hand down your face and tilts your chin upwards. “C’mon look at me,” he murmurs, and you begrudgingly meet his gaze. “I love the letter.” He pecks you on the lips. “Do you believe me now?”

“You might have to kiss me one more time for that.”

Minghao grins and presses his lips on yours again, a little harder this time. “Good now?”

“Yes—you got lucky.”

“Okay good … but just for extra measures, I have something that might sweeten the deal,” Minghao tells you, pulling a folded paper out of his pocket and handing it to you. Carefully, you take it and unravel it, glancing over the words.

There’s a lot—like a lot—and Minghao’s face flushes as you skim over the paragraphs he wrote, slapping a hand over the paper. “Okay don’t read it in front of me!” he whines, and you beam because history has a tendency to repeat itself.

“Fine, fine,” you sigh, looking down at it one more time when your eyes catch a little note at the bottom.

Pursing your lips, you glance up and find Minghao watching you with wide eyes and a bright smile, and you can’t help but fling yourself into his arms. Your heart swells when you feel him wrap his hands around you rightly pulling him close as the words cast their imprint into your mind.

You’re happy. So, so, so happy.

Yours truly, Xu Minghao (weirdo)

P.S. I love you.

a/n. okay wow i can't believe this is done ... genuinely put so much into this fic i hope u all enjoyed reading it as much as i enjoyed writing it! i definitely might be writing more about these two bc i loved them so much😭 i had like 2 more ideas for a smut in mind but decided not to add them but if you'd be interested in reading them, i might post them as a oneshot/bonus, so lmk what you're interested in! please reblog if u did, and let me know ur thoughts—it would mean a lot to me :3

tags. @synthetickitsune @ixayjun @leejihoonownsmyheart @dahliatopia @gyuswhore @hoeforcheol @5xiang @hajimelvr @miriamxsworld @blinkjunhui @lixiel0ver @josefines-things @mimisxs @ming-h0e @kawennote09 @bbyjjunie @junhui-recs @ichorjeon (strikethrough could not be tagged)

[justalads]

c!niki and c!wilbur enjoyers. pspspspspspsps

alright guys so last night i rewatched pretty much all of the pogtopia arc. and this isn’t meant to be a big, important analysis post (it’s kind of incomprehensible), because my brain is fried from, you know. rewatching pretty much all of pogtopia. but i do have some stuff i’d like to say.

(this also just became a niki meta sorry i love her. i really just got emo about her during the second half of this and it got long. i have a lot of feelings about her and wilbur’s friendship.)

it’s a pretty general conclusion that wilbur’s real “downfall” began on october 8th, during the stream “who are you go away”. of course, his spiral and the process of him losing faith had begun much earlier, more around the end of the first war or during the election. but the big switch, so to say, was definitely here, when as wilbur walks back from schlatt’s announcement, he asks tommy if they’re the bad guys.

this entire scene was so interesting to me. wilbur here is a man who has lost hope, someone who is backed into a corner morally and has nothing left. he points out that they can never really reclaim l’manburg without forever tainting it, and that schlatt knows this. the entire half an hour or so before, schlatt has been taunting wilbur about losing that power. the emphasis of the festival on “democracy” is so clearly a barb thrown at wilbur, and it works.

wilbur’s “nothing left to lose” in this vod is a mirror to niki’s “you know what they say about a woman who has nothing left to lose”. this will not be the first time they mirror each other.

basically, wilbur’s angry. when schlatt announced the festival, wilbur realized that maybe it wasn’t a terrible thing. so once he worked around into the mindset of “we’re the bad guys”, he was able to justify saying he was going to blow up the nation with no remorse. he wants chaos! he wants no survivors!

does he do it? god no.

during the streams leading up to november 16th, wilbur is consistently scared. he goes back and forth on it, and makes multiple “conditions” that determine whether he’s going to do it or not, almost begging someone to stop him. he whispers to himself that he’s scared, that his hands are shaking, that he’s not sure if it’s the right thing to do. because despite what he says about “not caring about any of them”, the instant niki is threatened after tubbo’s death, wilbur walks up to schlatt and tells him that if he’s going to kill anyone it should be him. later, when quackity and tommy talk him down from pressing the button, he can’t press it because they’re there and he can’t bring himself to kill them as well.

but he has no problems with putting his own life at risk. he refuses to wear armor half the time, and actively places himself in harm’s way to save others. he still cares about everyone else, as much as he says he doesn’t. even when he does cause harm to others, during november 16th, he immediately begs phil to kill him. “look, they all want you to.” he can’t live with what he’s done, and how he’s hurt people, but he couldn’t allow manburg to continue.

the man is terrified and angry and he can’t win. and even as he tries to stuff himself into the mind of someone who doesn’t care, he cannot. when he finally does, he cannot live with being that person.

but the reason i rewatched this arc was to see niki’s point of view, especially after her statements during her last stream. i genuinely think that wilbur’s only betrayal of her was pressing the button, because he betrayed everyone. they might have known he was going to do it, but they had faith he wouldn’t.

wilbur cared a lot about niki. her life under schlatt was awful, wilbur hated that she was suffering, and the scene where wilbur plants himself directly in the center of the festival and tells schlatt to kill him instead hits pretty hard. he has the argument with schlatt, and then turns to niki and tells her to run. he then hits people and sprints away, trying to give her time to escape.

this is also when he asks her to join pogtopia, because now that schlatt has said he’d kill her, it’s a safer place for her.

so the man did care about her. niki is angry at the memory of him that she has. it’s been twisted by time and her own grief and paranoia.

in rewatching pogtopia, i realized that a lot of people hate the memory of wilbur. not him, and what he did. they think he didn’t care. and to quote hamilton (apologies):

“history obliteratesit paints me in all my mistakes”

does niki have a right to be mad at him? absolutely. he caused direct harm to her by blowing up l’manburg, once it was reclaimed. but she’s wrong that he never cared.

(an interesting note: wilbur only blows it up after techno starts fighting people outside. he hears it, and says “look, they’re fighting”. he didn’t re-initiate the conflict of the country. the fact that even after peace was won people were fighting just gave evidence to his belief that the entire country was corrupted.)

niki has been hurt a lot, and wilbur has things to answer for. but we as the audience know that her statements are just her perception. she is a character who acts on perceptions. the entire stream was in black and white. during doomsday, upon seeing wilbur log on (as ghostbur), niki has a panic attack and destroys her bakery, trying to rid herself of the pain of the memories. her lines during this stream are chilling, whispered repetitions that are a mirror of wilbur’s end.

(paraphrased, it was long and confusing but there are a few bits and this was the essence of it)

“wilbur is gone. this isn’t happening. he is dead. l’manburg is gone.”“it is real, i am real, he is real and he is dead.”“l’manburg is gone, i am real, i am l’manburg”.

(god. dude i could spend Months analyzing this one stream alone. there’s so much here.)

doesn’t that sound a bit like “my unfinished symphony”? wilbur and niki both attach their own self to the nation they fought for, and can see it as an extension of themself. they both destroy parts of it in acts of fear, attempting to save everyone else from what they’ve made.

what i pulled away from niki’s stream is that she’s not healing. i remember the chamber she locks herself in at night. i remember her refusal to eat. i remember how she was so angry at tommy, and she later realized that anger was misguided. niki genuinely believes that wilbur did not care about her, and that’s not surprising: when he died, she denied the fact that he was gone. she represses the things that she can’t handle, same as lots of other people. it is easier for her to pin her hurt on wilbur, because she needs somewhere to pin it. people feel more in control if they’re angry, not sad.

the song cc!niki said was for her character really emphasizes this. it’s a coping mechanism.

but even condemning wilbur won’t help, because she will still never get closure. niki cares about what others think of her, and so she can’t move on from someone hurting her. she can’t move on because she thinks he hated her. she is angry that he is back, but it is an opportunity for her to heal. she couldn’t heal when he was gone. she’s not the only one with a negative perception of wilbur, after all. he has one too. the two of them really need to talk.

i want niki to be healthy and safe. i want to see her heal so badly, and i do think it will happen. after wilbur died, his betrayal of her stayed with her, and it eventually became her memory of the betrayal that she hated, not the thing itself. it’s been months since it happened. niki wants to find an outlet for her hurt, because she wants to feel better. there’s a pattern i noticed: she only gets mad at people once she hasn’t seen the person themself for a while. and once she sees them and talks to them, and realizes that they care about her and don’t want to hurt her, she stops blaming them for it. she only hates her perception of them. example one? tommy.

man was in exile for a long time, and when he came back he “brought” fighting. that’s how niki saw it. but the fact that after she spent time with tommy (trying to kill him but. details, details) she forgave him because she saw it wasn’t his fault is a really good sign.

i genuinely think that speaking to wilbur will help niki, and it will also help wilbur. after all, they both hate wilbur. the entire perception of wilbur as some heartless, crazy manipulator needs to be shattered for both of their sakes. they both buy into it.

i want niki to know that others care about her, and that she has places she can feel safe. she hates that wilbur is invading the syndicate, because she’s scared of his memory hurting her. i don’t think wilbur will hurt her on purpose, because even though he sees himself as awful, he doesn’t hate her. he never did. usually, with people who have hurt someone else, i want them as far away from the person they hurt as possible. if wilbur does hurt niki i’ll probably cry. but again, it’s not him that hated her, or really him that hurt her in the way she thinks he did. when wilbur was dead, niki didn’t get any better. her memory of him festered and made her feel worse. that’s also why niki killing wilbur or hurting him somehow wouldn’t help her heal. i want wilbur to explain that he didn’t hate her. is wilbur even close to self aware enough to help niki? nah. this is going to take a Long time, and it’s going to hurt.

last thing i swear lol

during niki’s stream, she says that wilbur manipulated her. again, i watched pogtopia last night, and i’ve watched the rest of season one recently as well. i genuinely don’t see it. but i do think i know why she said it.

during season one, wilbur doesn’t manipulate niki. he doesn’t have a chance to later, he’s dead. so then, what is she talking about? of course it’s a perception, same as a lot of her other claims. i think she’s talking about how she cared for l’manburg.

niki joined the server as wilbur’s friend, to join his nation. she grew to care for l’manburg. she devoted herself to it, same as he did. but doomsday showed us that she hates that. in niki’s eyes, l’manburg only brought pain for people, and because she ties herself to it, she hates that she ever cared about it. she can’t allow herself to care for it, because it was used to hurt. so how does she cope with knowing that she once did? she pretends she didn’t.

if she can convince herself that it was wilbur who convinced her to care about l’manburg, she can avoid blaming herself for her own pain. and yeah, she shouldn’t blame herself for it. it’s not her fault. the entire situation is tragic and a little hopeless and once again really makes me hope that she recovers. l’manburg was ruined for her by others. schlatt, techno, dream, wilbur. again another place where she and wilbur are similar: they convince themselves they never cared about l’manburg because of the hurt it caused.

to summarize: wilbur’s going to get a shock soon. don’t know when, but probably the prison visit. something is going to shake his perception, the story is hurtling towards that. once he is able to take responsibility for what he did, and feel safe (because a lot of what he does now is out of fear of being alone or useless), then he and niki need to talk. niki needs something to get her out of her own head. she’s spiraling too. they are essential to each other’s recovery because of how much they meant (and mean) to each other.

anyways i miss early season one niki i liked it when she was happy :(

~ Lad 2

[sleeping-lilies]

robin era jason, dick, and babs headcanons because there’s too much comedic potential to ignore

- dick and babs were the ultimate gossip buddies. whenever dick was with the titans for long periods of time, babs always filled him in on everything

babs: dick you’ll never believe what hal said to bruce last night, i even have videos. dick, the look on his face please—

dick, immediately locking doors so his teammates don’t hear the mad shit about to be dropped on main: tell me everything

- vice versa too, dick filled babs in on everything going on with the titans and all they can say is thank god those lines are bat secured with no villains being able to listen in, imagine deathstroke hearing through bat gossip that joey’s dating who?!?! 😳

- batkids have been and always will be the holder of superhero gossip. it’s a business, you see, but we’re getting off topic 😡

- lmfao anyways this is literally how dick finds out about jason

babs: anyways, jason—

dick: who the fuck is jason

babs: ....

dick: barbara?!?!

babs: ok promise you won’t freak out

- babs and dick’s first reaction upon meeting jason being “why is he so small i wasnt that small” “dick you were literally nine when you were robin—“ “he’s tiny” it’s like those two share the same braincell

- i’m making it so that dick gave jason his number earlier because i feel like it 😡😡😡 (not that it changes much other than the fact that i want more gossip dropped in dm’s)

- when dick gave jason his number, he went to babs like “give me jason’s number” “didn’t you literally just give him your’s?” “ya but i’m gonna make sure he texts me” “ya ok that’s fair”

- whenever jason didn’t want to be in the manor (fight with bruce, boredom, etc) he went to wherever the fuck babs lived and they would facetime dick and talk mad shit. it was a thing.

- despite them all being able to drive, babs was the only one during this time with an actual, legitimate, legal license (jason was too young to have a license and dick is too lazy/busy/whatever-excuse-he-wants-to-use to take the permit and driving test) so babs drove them around everywhere and it was a mess™ consisting of a bunch of backseat drivers

- “dick omg look at this video i found from the batcave” “omg he said robin gives him magic” “robin gives him magic” they both cry about it for years to come

- babs sometimes kidnapped jason after school after telling the head of wayne manor (alfred) and took him to get ice cream, then to the library while she worked. jason was the greatest kid in the library, he even had his own throne special chair just for him whenever he came provided by library staff who adored this absolute angel.

- jason 🤝 babs 🤝 dick -> i believe in annoying yet endearing nicknames supremacy

- nicknames include (some used by some more than others or just one, or by both equally because they’re annoying pick and choose my good people)

little wing (iconic, we all know this one fellas and who uses it)

red (used for babs, absolutely fantastic, but in the future it gets confusing because some people with their goddamn hero names 😡)

boy wonder (classic, babs calls them both that)

barbie (for babs, jason uses this one and he’s the only one able to get away with it)

dickie (jason just really gets away with everything huh)

dickhead (jason’s lucky he’s cute)

baba black sheep (jeez i’m on a roll with babs’ nicknames she’s so nickname-able and that’s very cool and sexy of her)

jay z

jay allen

jay jay jay (shut up, dickhead—)

big bird

and a bunch more i’m too tired to look for them in canon or make new ones up, but you get the idea

- dick can totally bake, and babs and jason keep bugging him when he’s baking and add more chocolate chips while pretending to not notice that he can see them 😡😡😡

- headcanon that jason had hero worship for babs and dick because they’re so cool in and out of costume and it never really went away when he got older listen his older brother and pseudo sister are so cool and that’s not his fault but he’ll never admit it

- barbie movie marathons because barbie is an iconic legend and they all recognize it. they have the fucking “she’s the queen of the WA-A-A-AVES” song memorized along with all other barbie movie songs, they sing it on patrol.

- dick and jason’s sibling dynamic was and is basically “ur a little shit and i hate you but i will literally kill for you”

- dick had tension with bruce while jason was just a little shit who would totally cause drama for the sake of it, and people never take advantage of this absolute power duo for destroying bruce

- dick sending cryptid texts to jason through a burner phone because he’s dramatic jason totally knew it was him about things that drive bruce mad, like leaving the shower turned to the coldest setting before bruce got there, leaving the lights in the batcave on, etc. jason, a wise little child, totally took advantage of this. bruce came to accept his fate

- the gc names, guys the group chat names

- jason crashing into titans tower whenever he wants and dick doesn’t bat (hAH) an eye, occasionally he very sweetly asks babs to come with him and she agrees but only sometimes because some people have jobs, jason—wait dick is being flirted with by who?!?! i’ll leave it up to your imagination ;) and they totally crashed titans missions too

- one time bruce was busy with the league while alfred was on vacation and bruce absolutely could not dip (i’m imagining bruce getting a call from the headmaster during an honest to god fight and bruce just picking up while punching the daylights out of some asshole) (“mr wayne, what is that noise in the background?” “sorry, headmaster, the cat is having a seizure”), so when jason got into a “fight” (read: some jackass picking on jason before he snapped and yelled at him and the bitchass kid tried to punch him and jason’s no quitter) bruce called dick who was an adult and legally family (yes dick is adopted sometime after jason was, stay mad) like “son... son please” and dick was like “oh no need to plead with me, this is too good” but of course this bitchass doesn’t have an actual lisence yet and he was hanging out with babs anyways so he and babs rolled up to gotham academy and the kids stared at them like “holy shit they’re so cool” ya dick and babs are those power couple, whether romantic or not, that turn heads, they’re just that powerful strolled into the office, bailed jason out while intimidating the headmaster because the altercation was the result of school staff negligence of actual bullying like those cliche tropes, said “ayyy you got that brat good” and get him chili dogs or whatever the fandom made robin jason’s favorite food. omg i just made an entire fanfic in rough draft form someone please steal it and write it in full form and send me the link

- jason is very very tiny, you see. babs and dick pick him up and move him for any reason, whether because they want to sit on that chair or to just throw him out of harm’s way and take the bullet for themselves.

- jason and dick both get adorable blushes on their faces it’s genetic yes that’s how genetics work shut up meanwhile babs’ ears turn red when she’s embarrassed and all three of them clown each other for it

- i yelled about this to my mutual (cough cough @littlespaceboii) who also added to this absolute dogshit headcanon and then in the discord full of mutuals, but the basement of wayne manor is haunted. dick found it when he was a little gremlin (i stand by that dick was the original demon child) (“you see damian, before there was you there was me” the real reason he was good with damian lmfao) and was like “omg this is so cool” @littlespaceboii came up with that it was just alfred fucking with bruce and so when jason first came and dick was comfy around him he was like “so have you been in the basement” and jason was like “im literally robin i’ve been in the batcave?!?!” and dick goes “no the basement, the haunted one” and jason’s like “hAUNTED?!?!” cuz jason has at least some self preservations and knows not to fuck with the spookies until he too became a spooky and bruce was like “there’s no ghost it’s not haunted” because he’s a skeptic and a party pooper and babs is like “no go on let him finish” even though she knows full well there are no ghosts or does she? and uhhhh basically they becomes ghostbusters 2.0 but cooler and funnier

- this trio is basically baby pan/bisexual jason and two resident expert pan/bisexuals solidarity but that’s literally canon. they go to pride every year that jason’s alive what who said that?

- they all tease each other for their crushes like all siblings/family friends do, i don’t need to say it but it’s important that’s emphasized for my well being

- yelled about this in the discord to the mutuals who added onto this absolute train wreck too, but jason used to play baseball during his robin days, and dick never showed up to those games with being busy as an excuse, but babs always showed up with bruce and alfred and took pictures for dick so dick could be like “mlb players are jobless now that little wing is on the scene” babs (and sometimes bruce) always shouted loudest for jason whether he was in the field or in the dugout and jason would get this extremely adorable blush on his face (jason finds out in the future why dick never showed up (cough cough ptsd from two face’s massive baseball bat which led to everything that came after including being fired and veangance academy and nearly killing two face and omg that’s a ride) and is like oh my god my childhood is even more ruined—)

- remember when i said dick got adopted after jason did in this new absolutely fabulous canon i just created? bruce did that because “ahhh fuck that’s my kid and i want him to know i love him through every means possible since i have the ability to do so” i believe in good dad bruce supremacy and made a whole thing where he invited dick to dinner for like a week to work up the courage and bonding to ask him and show him the adoption papers and then everyone cried :) bruce decided to finally adopt dick after jason referred to dick as his brother and bruce was like “...oh” and alfred was like 👀

- dick, as the first child hero and one of the first heroes period like at least a year or two before babs, holds the “back in my day” card over literally everyone in the hero community in general and pulls it out to annoy babs and jason even tho babs literally joined the scene only a year or two after dick

jason, shaking in his panties: it’s so fucking cold

dick, standing strong in his tits out outfit, who had to wear the panties on his own decision: oh, you’re cold? back in my day—

babs, throwing her boot at his face: god shut the fuck up—

and then dick doesn’t give back her boot and it becomes a whole thing with lots of tackling and play fighting and someone nearly gets thrown off they rooftop for funsies but anyways

also on a side note, babs would take off her cape and wrap it around jason whenever she noticed his discomfort with the weather, or use the weather as an excuse whenever she saw him uneasy for whatever reason and they never mention it to each other

- yelled about this in the discord to the mutuals at some point too holy shit i have friends, but those three are team rocket. they went out as team rocket for halloween one year after bullying bruce to let jason out only jason because he can’t tell dick and babs what to do and jason is under his care and when they do convince him, dick and babs bully jason into being meowth. manifesting jason in a meowth onesie ARTISTS PLEASE—

- dick finally took his license seriously and took his driver’s test after babs became paralyzed.

- those were a rough few months for those three. and then another rough few months for those two

- yikes, sorry to throw angst at you (sorry (unfeeling)) anyways, in the future alfred finds those old photos and shows the rest of the fam, so dick and babs bully jason, 6’2 jason that towers way above both of them, and once again bullies him into being meowth “for tradition, little wing!” “shut up, dickhead” the rest of the batkids lose their shit over this, naturally. bruce and alfred stand in the back teary eyed reminiscing the old days when things were a little more simple.

- discowing walked so terrifying handsome squidward red hood helmet could run (even tho the ugly helmet tripped and fell and missed the mark because discowing wasn’t ugly and will always remain superior, i feel i have committed a terrible crime comparing the two)

dick: jason what the fuck is that

jason: it’s fashion

dick: it’s terrifying

jason: i’m only following in my older brother’s footsteps 😔

dick: listen here, you little shit strangles him haha just kidding that illegal wait theyre vigilantes they don’t follow the law—

- these three and cass refer to the rest of the batkids as “the kids” (if she’s older than jason, sometimes she is and sometimes she isn’t and i’m really confused but whatever)

- babs and dick’s relationship with jason pre death literally shaped how jason treats his siblings post pit madness like he literally goes “what would red and big bird do?!??” when he needs to go into big brother mode over the “little ones” (“little” because tim and steph are adults and duke is nearly an adult himself oh my god he’ll graduate from high school soon and jason never got to do that himself he’s totally going to the ceremony legally dead or not) 🥺

- holy trinity continue hanging out with each other, whether lunch or games or whatever, and just enjoy each other’s company after long, rough years

[smolcuriouskitten]

Onyx stayed silent on the god comment. Not because she didnt agree, more so because she didnt give god time to even give out the karma they deserved. Made her wonder if she was playing god for killing them but the fuckers deserved it.

The amount of scars Onyx had was endless. Just like her cousin, Rockelle, she endured abuse but at the hands of different men. Some she covered with tattoos, some she kept as a grim reminder of why she would never go back into the sex work industry. She wanted to laugh at her mask joke but she didnt feel right letting it go quite yet, didnt trust Derward. Damn you assassian school.

"Welcome." She responds then raises a brow at him defending Rockelle. Again she stayed silent, letting out a soft sigh. She understood how people viewed celebrities and often considered them as friends even if they didnt know the person. It made her skin crawl but she kept her unemoted face still, to think he was defending a woman he barely knew. Oh how his opinion would change when she was mad at Onyx playing one of her tricks and subsequently having a glass thrown at her.

Roxie on the other hand didnt pay attention to his mumbles, grabbing a bellman who quickly helped Derward and his things by getting into the room. Once Derward was out of sight, her facade dropped like a hot potato. "Fuck me, I hate that shit rainbows bullshit. How long is this fucker staying with us? Where did you find him, the fucking pound?" Roxie fusses in Korean, Onyx letting rip a snicker before she hits Roxie on the arm. Brians jaw dropped and the blue guy tapped Brian's chin with his 'tail' for waking him up again.

Rockelle damn near collapsed when she made it to her room, exhausted from the day and dealing with her (incompetent) team. This thing with Derward made her head hurt and the team got an earful for it. Despite how pleasant and nice he was, she had a rule that NO ONE come into her dressing room in order to decompress and prepare for the show. Not only could he have caused her harm, he also seen her in a vulnerable state and that alone made her livid.

Calling Onyx to confirm he made it, she lets out a soft sigh when she laid on her bed. Her feet were so sore and her mind was swirling, ears ringing from the venue's shitty speakers and she just wanted to be alone. "Hey fuck face!" Oh no.

"Whats up with you making us babysit? Like I only came to keep my sister sane but YOU had us running favors for you! Dammit what if I had a dick appointment or I had gotten the bellmans number?! You made me, MADE ME use the sugar sweet facade and it never fails to make my ass itch. Oh cushion the child, he will fear me if I let my dick hang out, well EXCUSE ME-" Roxie burst in the room, swearing and cursing in a mix of French and Korean.

Onyx was trying to hold her back but Roxie strong armed her. "ROXIE SHUT THE FUCK UP." Onyx yells and it makes both Rockelle and Roxie flinch, hell Brian even ran in to see what the commotion was about. "I get that you are angry but dammit Im sick of you whining! Shut up! You act like you can just push everyone away and be a bitch to anyone who MILDLY inconveniences you! For fucks sake SHUT UP!" Onyx yells and Roxie looks offended but remains silent.

"Can you two get out of my room and argue? Im getting a migrane.." Rockelle softly responds, Onyx looking over at her. Grabbing Roxie by the ear tightly, yanking her out of the room. "We will talk later. Sorry about this." She said, the trio leaving out of the room as Rockelle turns over and falls asleep.

Onyx felt his pain, maybe not in the same capacity. She never had a childhood, never had a chance to experience things for the first time. She was created as a corrupt side, who start as adults, given that children cant be subjected to trauma the same way adults can. The fine print doesnt tell you that you act like a child, forever stuck in an adults body. You dont learn how to regulate things nor proper cues if you didnt learn them on your own.

She was kicked out of her host body when she was mentally 12. It subjected her to trauma and horrors that no one should go through but she did what she could to survive. At least she got her revenge back, all she could do was hope he did the same. “Im sorry to hear that. I hope they burn for what they did.” Again, her tone was monotone, not giving any emotion. It can be seen as a good or bad thing in his eyes but she was being sincere.

“Never said you do. Men can be pieces of shit.” She responds, yawning and stretching a bit as she walked. “Wow. I suppose its good we found you. Rather you found us.” Her poor attempt at a joke. “I will let her know. Its hard to say what she would need you for, we will learn with time.” She waves her hand dismissively and rolls her shoulders. “It doesnt work well with a mask that I would sweat off. Or get wet.” She teases back, could be seen as a prostitution joke or a swimming one. Up to him to understand.

Greeting Brian in Korean, she hugs him and gives him a kiss on the cheek. Hearing the familiar muffle from his jacket, she shushes him for the time being as she gets in the car. She sees Deward kind of struggling, making her sigh but watch him nonetheless. She leans back and opens the door for him, then getting back into her seat.

“Hm. Okay, thank you for the info. I dont judge, not my job to do so. I just hope Rocky was more understanding to that.” She knew Rockelle cursed the team out since she doesnt tolerate security issues. The woman didnt mind much and let alot slide but when you play with the safety of herself or dancers, it becomes an issue.

Raising a brow at him for putting everything in the back seat, Brian getting ready to question before Onyx makes a motion for him to zip it. She understood the sentiment of not wanting things out of your sight. It was a reminder of how close you wanted your things to be, in fear of someone taking it. They both drove to the hotel once Derward was settled in, the two softly talking among themselves about things.

The familiar blue man stuck his head out but Onyx hid him in her pocket for now. The last thing she needed was for this brat to claim something about Rockelle and her team and then she would feel the wrath from both Rocky and the FBI after they lobotomize them. It was a ritzy hotel they were going too, one Rockelle and her team were staying in already. They luckily had one empty room left on the floor, so he wasnt far from anyone he knew.

Arriving at the hotel, Onyx sees him dozed off. “Hey kid, we made it.” Quickly passing the smurf back to Brian, who was snoozing and already upset about him being disturbed, she shushes him to not blow cover as Brian stuffs him back into his jacket. Getting out and greeting her big sister Roxie, who was waiting for them at the door, the talk amongst themselves in Korean, rolling their eyes about Furballs generosity.

Prior to Derward looking over, Roxie was popping her gum and cursing in Korean. Her voice was deeper, an annoyed expression and her red hair sat lazily on her shoulders. When he does look over, its like a switch flipped in her head and she immediately started to smile and fix her hair. Oh god here we go.

“Oh my goodness! It is so nice to meet you, do you need help with your bags? Hi Brian dear, its so good to see you again! Ugh, I must go get you a bellman!” Roxie began to chirp and bounce around, her voice higher in pitch. She was playing her ‘public’ facade given that Rockelle would kick her ass for being mean to Derward otherwise. So as she skips inside, Brian and Onyx lock eyes silently, Brian fighting back a snicker as he sees Onyx gag as a response.

[fktonofwhatnow]

ok hold on. acomaf is my fave book out of the whole series (it's mostly out of emotional value, i read it when i was younger and didn't have a real understanding out trauma and abuse only that i saw a character i loved getting out of a bad situation and getting happy) so obviously i didn't mind feysand being endgame and the development all of the characters had. i can accept tamlin turned out like that is realistic due to his trauma, i can accept feyre had to flee because it wasn't right for her, but the thing is after acofs i see no point to feyre leaving tamlin when rhysand ends up doing everything they told us tamlin was evil and unredeemable for. hiding the risks of her pregnancy, putting on shields on her, having feyre need to compromise over it. i honestly felt so betrayed by that. i'm not saying feyre and tamlin were good for each other, but it doesn't feel worth it to dismiss the potential they had for what we got with feysand.

also, sarah learn to treat "ugly" trauma with respect challenge. no they don't need to learn to physically fight to fight it. no they don't need a love interest to overcome it. yes the behaviors acquired from trauma and abuse aren't pretty but that doesn't mean a person is undeserving of kindness and compassion.

i think i had a point somewhere but i can't get to it. so hope you don't mind my rambling. anyway i loved your meta about tamlin i think he deserves better too

HOLY SHIT THIS ONE IS SO GOOD OK IM SO EXCITED

Bro you are so fine, I'm the one who doesn't make any sense and I totally get what you're trying to say. (Acomaf was actually my favorite book in the series too ngl)

BUT FUCK YEAH LETS TALK ABOUT RHYSAND.

I don't think it's a secret that Rhysand is one of my least favorite characters in media, probably ever? (How do I even put this into words) He is a bad character and to me, laughably so. You know how if you've ever written a character, there's that little phase that's like "what if people don't like this character' and then you're sad for a little bit? That's how Rhysand feels to me. He feels like SJM looked at this character and thought "I can't stand the thought of people not liking this character because I love him so much" and then did everything in her power to make sure we know how great he is.

Idk if this is just me screaming into the void, but I get to this place with my characters where like, especially if they are a little more morally gray or their decisions have negative impacts, I understand that I don't need the audience to like my main character. they can stand on their own, they can own up to what they do and they can grow from it. Thats what a good character does. That's how you keep your audience rooting for them. You gotta knock them over sometimes.

SJm doesn't knock Rhysand over. She doesn't push him to make mistakes, apologize, own up and move on. Rhysand has never made a decision that ended poorly for him. Everything goes the way he wants it to, because SJm wants us to know how cool and great he is. People who are cool and great don't make bad decisions! SJm doesn't let Rhysand fail, and she doesn't let him suffer his own decisions. Everyone else suffers his decisions, not him.

Rhysand's reputation as a good person hinges entirely on the audience liking him and/or thinking he's hot. And then what happens when the audience thinks neither of those things? Ya get a rly long post like this by a lil enby who is mad all the time. Rhysand loses all credibility when you look at him through a critical lens. Not a single thing the man does makes any goddamn sense. Here I thought acosf would give us a different perspective on Feysand and I was desperately hoping that Nesta would tell us what she really sees in them and how people around them really feel, I hoped that SjM would throw us for a loop and tell us that hey, she does know that Feysand are fucking toxic as hell and ruin the lives of people around them and she wants to show us that from an outside perspective but noooOoOOOoOoOOOO...

Instead we get Nesta hating herself because Rhysand told her that she shouldn't tell Feyre that Feyre could uh die in childbirth. Hey what the fuck.

Now I don't actually ship feylin, I kinda always sorta knew, even without spoilers, that it wasn't going to work out. Tamlin isn't sjm's idea of a good partner because he's not charming and witty and dark and handsome ya know? We met Rhysand and I knew that I was going to fucking hate this romance. Which sucks because I found Rhysand so intriguing in the first book. Ngl all the time spent in the spring court was kinda boring and every time Rhysand showed up to throw dead faeries at Tamlin I was like "oooooo" and I wanted to know more about why Tamlin, this awkward, blunt and kinda shy dude had beef with this super duper sly and shady man from another court.

I don't know if I've ever said this before, but SJm doesn't let her love interests grow. Rhysand doesn't change over the course of the story because he was already a good guy and his motives were for Feyre's sake I swear, the same goes for Rowan in TOG. SJm doesn't give Rhysand room to change. She needs to get to the part where they fuck make sure everyone knows that Rhysand is a good guy and actually he was good all along so that we like him more than Tamlin. It backtracks on everything bad Rhysand has ever done because you know... He had a good reason! It's fine!

I know it's probably just because SJm doesn't actually know how to write a good character growth arc but... Like can you imagine if Rhysand stayed the bad guy? Or at least remained the bad guy through acotar and acomaf? And then when Rhysand comes to take Feyre for his bargain it really was only to spite Tamlin? What about Rhysand, taking Feyre to the night court with him once a week every month for a long time, if only to see Tamlin's eyes grow darker and emptier every time he goes, and then he really starts to fall in love with Feyre. He's been a monster all this time, angry and cold and cruel and then he actually starts to fall in love. And then to get Feyre to stay he really does try to change, he stops antagonizing Feyre, he stops throwing dead faeries at Tamlin, and he stops harassing the Spring court. He starts spending genuine quality time with Feyre, he starts to learn about her and all the things she likes and he stops trying to get her to come with him just so Tamlin will be mad. He starts asking her to come with him because he wants to be around her and he prays that someday she'll want to be around him too. What if SJm let him grow.

But nahhhhhh instead we have a character who always knows the right answer to things, and he always knows how to fix every issue, and he is always so innovative and outside the box except that he isn't. We get a character who does the same shit as Tamlin but it's ok because he had a good reason not to tell Feyre that she could very well die in childbirth. Uhhhh don't know what that is but uhhh I know he has his reasons because all he has are his reasons.

It would be so easy to hold a mirror up to Rhysand and say "look at this. Look who you are. Do you not look just like Tamlin right now?"

But nooooooooOoOOOo Rhysand doesn't get to be wrong. Rhysand doesn't get to look like Tamlin because Tamlin is evil and Rhysand is definitely NOT I SWEAR.

But yeah I think the point I'm trying to make is that Sarah thinks so highly of Rhysand that he could never do wrong. He could never be like Tamlin, despite the narrative literally telling us the exact opposite.

Like you said, we lost the potential of what feylin could have been if SJm didn't suddenly decide that her audience needs to love Rhysand as much as she does. I think feylin could have been slow and sweet and a story of true healing and learning about one another. I think it would have been kind and steady and lots of "are you ok"s and "I'm sorry"s and "talk to me"s. Everything about Feysand feels rushed and hard and fast and the rest of the world doesn't have time to catch up. It's fucking exhausting to read it ya know what I'm saying.

(also can we talk about Rhysand like dying and Feyre finding the suriel and learning he's her mate and then instead of being like "k let's put a pin in that and fuckin save his life first" she like throws him around and everyone is like "wtf woman" and she's like I neeD tO Be alOnE these people have no idea how to prioritize)

Truly, I think it's innocent to a degree. There is absolutely no harm in wanting people to like your character. The harm comes when you destroy another character with no reason or explanation other than you want people to like a different character. Villain arc? Completely out of left field. You gotta build to that shit or like... Make it so that when you look back you slap your forehead and yell at a wall "OF FUCKING COURSE I SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT"

anyways, SJm treat "ugly" trauma with respect challenge SECONDED.

WELL IM SO SORRY THIS TOOK ME WEEKS YO WRITE IM HAVING A HARD TIME I know it probably doesn't make any sense I can't find my braincells BUT thanks for the ask @xelly

Tell me all your acotar things I love yo hear them !!

[morizoras-cave]

Gamer

Finn Wolfhard x f!celebrity!reader

Genre: fluff

Description: A headcanon of how you and Finn go from gamer friends to romantic gamer friends. 

Warnings: cheese, language

(A/N): I dont know if this is great??? but im having friends over in like 2 seconds, so im pulling this thing out of my drafts, because otherwise i will not be able to post today! this has to be better nothing.. right??? hsgshsgs

You were also an actor

Although you were never part of the Stranger Things or IT universe

And despite what people thought, not all actors and actresses that shared your young age spoke together

So you and Finn didn’t even talk for a long time

You only even contacted him because you found out from Twitter that you and him coincidentally were fans of a lot of the same things

(Fun fact: Finn knew this for a long time, but he was too shy to reach out to you)

You slid into his DMs and were like “I heard you like this game?” 

And from then you two started talking and playing games together. 

You, Finn, and Gaten had a little squad where you’d play games together

It could be anything from PUBG to Uno Online. 

At one point you all had a charity livestream together than went on for 24 hours

You were hysterical 

You drank like ten energy drinks

“YOU NEED TO PLOW THE FIELD, FOR FUCK’S SAKE” - You, in the midst of playing Farming Simulator 2019 18 hours into the stream

“EAT A GIANT PILE OF SHUT THE FUCK UP” - Also you, in the midst of playing Uno 23 hours into the stream

Needless to say it would be hard to convince you to do a stream like that again

But you did raise a lot of money for good :)

At some point you flew over and had a sleepover with Finn

Gaten was supposed to come but he got sick :(

So it was just you and Finn

And since you’d never actually met in person it was a tiny bit awkward at first

But very naturally you got comfortable with each other, just cuddling on the couch whilst watching a movie 

After that sleepover (you had to leave the next day) you realized you had a crush on him

A huge one

And you were like “oh no, oh fuck, oh no” 

Because you were CERTAIN he didn’t like you back

Meanwhile Finn:

“Y/n smells nice”

“Y/n looks nice”

“I want to hug Y/n”

“I want to cuddle, where is Y/n?”

This boy was wHIPPEd

And so were you, to be honest

But you both just kept talking like you usually did

Except now whenever Finn mentioned you in the slightest you’d feel heat on your cheeks

Thank god it was online, huh?

WRONG

After a couple more months of mutual attraction, yet no moves being made because y’all are both too shy and unsure of yourselves

You both had to go to Comic-Con

Him with Stranger Things 

You with Marvel

You were stoked to talk to Gaten again and also meet a couple of their cast friends

But Finn

Oh man, oh man

You were SHAKInG

You were AVOIDING HIS EYES

And what’s worse is that you’d planned to sleep over at his hotel room and game all night with Gaten

When you did start your little LAN party, you tried to just focus on the game

and it mostly worked

But then Gaten passed out at around 3 AM (it wasnt his fault, you and finn hogged all the energy drinks and besides you were playing an embarrassingly boring game)

You and Finn decided to peace out too

You were in the bathroom brushing your hair, when Finn knocked on the door

“Come in!”

He walked in, looking more flustered than usual. Your brows furrowed in confusion.

“I, uh, there’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about.” 

Now, you’re a fucking idiot, so your first thought was: Oh my god, has he figured out that I like him and hates me for it?

Thankfully, you were wrong

“I-I hope this doesn’t make this weird between us, but.. I really like you.. And I was wondering if you wanted to go on a date or something?” 

You were stunned. You could cry.

It took every ounce of self control to not just jump on him in a kiss right then and there

“I’d like that” you said. At your words, Finn’s eyes snapped up to meet yours. He was grinning and so were you.

There was a moment where none of you seemed to know what to do, but then you stepped closer to him

He gulped, getting the message

Then, he leaned in slowly, eyes staring intently into yours

They fluttered closed and he kissed you, gently, hand on your cheek

He had not yet brushed his teeth so you could taste the bitter energy drink taste on his lips

But the moment was perfect

And you evolved from gamer friend to gamer friend that played Playstation in his lap and who kissed him a lot (Gaten was grossed out)

But somehow it was exactly as it should be

And you loved every moment of it :)

___________________________

Tag List:

@hera-the-writer @marvel-madness @40srogcrs @whatthefuckimbisexual @snarky–starky @garbage-potato @lozzypoz321​ @rororo06 @shady80smusicsingercolor @ireadfanficforfun @deephideoutmilkshake @rae-is-typing @sophs-library @herecomesthewriterwitch @alicedanganh @eviemarvel @idk123906

[baroquebucky]

hi lovely! i adore ur writing :-) i was just wondering if you could write something about bucky being all soft and gooey around his gal and kissing her and being all lovey dovey with her in front of the team, and them teasing him for it. i’d love to see it if it inspires u! thank u!

a/n: okAY I HAVE RESTARTED THIS LIKE SEVEN TIMEs because i didn’t know how i wanted to write this and so i decided to do some headcanons about this !! if you want an actual imagine let me know !!! i hope you guys enjoy it :~)

masterlist

Bucky was afraid of touching you the first time he met you

he was afraid that all the darkness and pain in him would ruin your happy, radiant demeanor, and he didn’t want that

but you didn’t allow that, giving him hugs for every little thing, bumping shoulders with him, grabbing his hand and dragging himself round to have fun

it was obvious the two of you would date, you made his life so much better and he did the same for you, helping you grow more confident and self assured

for years bucky only knew physical touch as painful, something he dreaded

and you showed him something completely different when it came to touch

the way your fingers gently traced every scar he had, the way they ghosted over his chest when he was asleep and you couldn’t sleep, the way you would pull him into you for a hug, wrapping your arms around him and squeezing him tightly

Bucky especially loved how you played with his hair, gently tucking it into place when the two of you cuddle or were kissing, the way you attempted to braid it and style it

Bucky couldn’t get enough

he missed out on this for so long so of course he would want your tender love any chance he got, he didn’t care who was around

the whole team thought Bucky was this brooding, intimidating man who was capable of killing them all if he tried, yet there he was, cuddled into you like a puppy

Bucky would kiss your face all over, making you laugh, planting sloppy kisses on your cheeks and forehead before finally connecting your lips.

“Fucks sake im trying to watch this show can you please do that somewhere else?” Sam would groan, annoyed at how soft Bucky was, Bucky only grabbed a pillow and threw it at him, never once disconnecting your lips.

You would smile into the kiss, pulling his hair slightly causing Bucky to groan a little, sam would make a gagging noise,” that’s it im out i hate you guys” you would burst out laughing the second he got up, immediately apologizing to him

he of course would accept, you were always too sweet and did so much for him, he couldn’t be mad at you.

At Bucky though? He couldn’t 100000% be mad at him

So Sam made it his mission to embarrass the metal armed man.

The two of you sat on the couch, cuddling.

Bucky snuggled so close against you if he moved a centimeter more he’d be on top of you. He had a hand in your hair, your arms wrapped around him, rubbing circles on his back.

he stared up at you, admiring how fuckinf beautiful you were

“how did i get the prettiest gal in the world hm?” he would smile, pressing a kiss to your arm, “oh shut up bucky” you blushed, refusing to take the compliment

“no I’m serious you’re so goddamn perfect doll” he whispered, moving to get comfortable enough to kiss your neck

“bucky stop we’re in the living room” you giggled, he continued to kiss you, placing a soft kiss on your jaw and then on your cheek

“what’s Sam gonna do? Get upset again?” He laughed and you rolled your eyes.

“I love you so much” he smiled at you, effortlessly lifting you and placing you on his lap

you smiled at the man, running your fingers through his soft hair, he smiled at you, his eyes fluttering closed at the relaxing contact.

“you know i love when you do that” he hummed and you smiled, leaning down to kiss his forehead you removed your hands from his hair and sat next to him, putting your head on his chest.

“why’d you stop” he pouted, looking at you as if you broke his heart in two

“Oh my god you are whipped” Tony laughed, you went red, Bucky felt slightly embarrassed but didn’t care too much, a smile creeping onto his face and he turned to look at you

“well how could i not be? i have the best girlfriend in the world” he spoke, you blushed deeper and tony rolled his eyes, turning around and leaving “yeah sam he isn’t gonna be embarrassed around us”

Sam groaned from the hall, emerging and narrowing his eyes at bucky, “I’ll get my revenge” Bucky only laughed and you but your lip to stifle your laughter.

“cmon angel” you spoke, standing up and grabbing his hand, leading him to your room so you guys could cuddle in peace.

The pda did not cease, Sam made every team member catch the two of you cuddling or being utterly adorable and yet nothing

Bucky has no shame showing the fact that he was wrapped around your finger, kissing your hand every chance, placing kisses all over your face and cuddling you at every chance

Then peter came to stay a night

he saw the way bucky would do everything for you, barely letting you do anything, he saw the way that if you asked for something he’d give it to you, the way that he cuddled into your side and was somehow always touching you

“oh my god” peter smiled to himself, texting ned and MJ quickly, guys mr barnes is a simp

He tried his best to hide his laughter but he couldn’t, wheezing as he picked up the Group FaceTime call

“no way the winter soldier is a simp??” MJ spoke and ned added on “he literally killed people how the hell did y/n manage to get him to simp so hard”

peter began explaining, giggling as he told them everything

Sam heard the loud teenage boy, immediately being struck with an idea

“hey Pete” he approached the boy in the kitchen and he gave him a small wave “i need you to do me a favor”

You and Bucky were in the garden, singing along to music and laughing, he held your hand, swinging it back and forth.

“I need to water the plants today but I’m so tired” you complained to your boyfriend, sitting under a tree, you were in between his legs and he rested his chin on top of your head

“I can do it for you doll face” he replied, you laughed shaking your head softly, “no i can do it lovely” but Bucky insisted

so there he was, watering all your flowers and getting bit by mosquitos, enter peter

peter was shitting himself, he was still kind of scared of Bucky, finding him intimidating despite knowing he could take the man

“what are you doing mr barnes?” Peter questioned, standing next to him and looking at the many plants

“y/n was tired so i told her I’d water her pants for her” he spoke, peter wrangled every ounce of courage he had

“huh so youre kind of a simp then” he spoke, Bucky turned to look at him, did he just-?

“what? no!” Bucky protested, suddenly feeling embarrassed because he was this little 18 year old calling HIM a simp

“i mean think about it, kinda yeah” he spoke, laughing softly, “it’s okay, in the end we all simp for someone” peter smiled, walking back inside, already wanting to apologize to bucky but instead searching for Sam so he could order him the pizza he wanted

Bucky stood in the garden, shock on his face. Sam watched from the kitchen window, laughing his ass off, finally embarrassing the super soldier

Bucky walked into your room, going to sit next to you, “am i simp?” He looked at you, troubled. You tried your best to stifle your laughter, composing yourself before looking at your boyfriend

“i mean yeah” you admitted, shrugging your shoulders.

Bucky was hurt for a couple of hours, vowing to himself that he would no longer simp for you, he could do that

right? wrong

by the end of the night Bucky was snuggled up to you side, eyes closed and mind at peace, you mumbled sweet nothings into his ear and he felt so- at home.

you were buckys home, he didn’t care if others saw it, he didn’t care if that made him a simp. He would be damned if he didn’t take every and any chance to kiss you and show you off and love on you

you did the same for him, Bucky was your safe space, your everything, your home

although Sam rolled his eyes when the two of you were cuddling heavily during movie night, he couldn’t help but be happy that bucky had found happiness in the world

[yeojaa]

IDK IF UR STILL TAKING REQUESTS🥺🥺🥺 sorry if IM botherinh😭😭 BUT MYBE A FINDERS KEEP HERS drabble where jk n oc get in to an argument after chap 3 n jk apologizes or something like that😭😭🥺😭🥺🥺

[ read part one / main story ]

pairing.  jjk x f!reader.  rating.  general.  tags.  this is soft angst. JK being his usual idiot self, reader being... well, sad, and yeah. just pain (but w a resolution. ish).  wc. 1.5k.  beta reader.  @hobi-gif beta’d a bit of this but i wrote most of it after so any dumb mistakes are my fault and my fault alone. 🤡  author note.  this isn’t 100% what you requested but... the first part kind of is, and then this is the resolution (because people requested it). if you’d like another drabble, please feel free to request!

In true fashion, Jungkook tries to fix the problem in the only way he knows how:  with money.

He puts the two of you up at the Four Seasons for the entire week, orders room service at all hours of the day and has treats from all of your favourite spots in the city delivered.  (Macarons, candied nuts, that one bakery that does those salted honey pies you inhale like a wild animal.)  He runs baths for you, fills the tub with your favourite scents (always Diptyque) and massages his tattooed hands all over your scalp.  He makes sure you wake up to the smell of French toast and fall asleep on a bed of roses, curled up in his arms and little else.  

He spoils you until you can hardly see the floor, designer shopping bags strewn throughout the suite.  (His sisters help him decide what to buy, mouths sealed shut otherwise.  They know better than to get too involved in his relationship with you.)  Dinner is somewhere new every night but always at a Michelin-starred restaurant, space booked out to the extent it’s just the two of you and a bouquet of your favourite flowers.

Of course, he thinks things are better.  Assumes they must be, because there’s never been a time where money hasn’t solved his problems.  No matter how much, throw enough of it at something and the problem will go away.

But you don’t go away.  Neither does your sadness.

“Baby.”  It’s your last night together before you’re back to some semblance of normalcy (not that Jungkook’s life was very normal to begin with).  He thinks he’ll miss it more than you will, if your lacklustre reactions have been any indication.

You’re fresh out of the shower - you’d turned down his offer of a bath, locked the door on your way into the washroom - and wrapped in a fuzzy white robe.  “What?”  You’re focused on running a comb through your hair, unbothered by your boyfriend who sits at the edge of the bed, legs wide and hands extended toward you.

It bothers him a bit (read: a lot).  You’re better than you were, offering tiny smiles when he begs for them, accepting his kisses without complaint. It isn’t you though.  Not the snark and the sass and the decades of friendship that normally thread your relationship.  A book with its spine about to snap, held together by cobweb.

Despite the time you’ve spent together the last few days - almost every hour, sans when you were at work - you’ve been distant still.  Not mean, of course (no, never mean, because you’ve always been soft on him) but different.  Softer and harder all at once.

“Come here,”  he coaxes, fingers curling around your wrist, pulling you between his knees effortlessly.

Normally, you’d curl around his shoulders, rake your nails through his hair.  This time, you only allow yourself to be with him, palms flat upon the ridges of muscle plating his back.  You don’t pass affection into his hair, don’t form a cradle for him to rest his head.  (It doesn’t feel like home - not like it should.)

Jungkook hates it.  Absolutely fucking abhors it.  He wants his girlfriend - his best friend, his love - back.  Not this spectre that’s taken up your space. 

(He almost forgets that he’s the reason you’re the way you are.)

“What’s wrong?”  The shape of his mouth curls, bottom lip pouting into that trademark expression that usually has you relenting, melting into a puddle of goo in his arms. 

This time, you shrug, movement dislodging the soft soft terry cloth from your shoulders.  “Nothing.”  Dumb as he might be - oblivious in the way only someone like he can be - he can tell you’re lying.  Offering the untruth right between your teeth, expecting him to accept it.

That bothers him even more.  It’s one thing to put up an act, entertain him as if you were a court jester.  It’s entirely another to treat him as if he’s a child, feeding him lies without a care.

(Notwithstanding the fact that Jeon Jungkook is, for all intents and purposes, a manchild.)

“You’re a shit liar,”  he retorts, grumpy, coloured green and blue until his insides feel like mud.  It’s strange, the discomfort that sinks beneath his skin and sticks his bones together.  Like wading through quicksand or a bog, stuck to a place he doesn’t want to be.  “Talk to me.”

“About what?”  You’re deflecting, refusing to meet his stare, holding yourself within the confines of your robe as if you can’t bear to open up to him.

That hurts more than he expects.  Slips sadness in alongside the frustration.

“About what’s bothering you.”  The fact he has to do this is driving him mad.  It’s akin to pulling teeth and he hates the dentist.

You scoff then - which he doesn’t expect.  The sound kicks him right in the stomach, a sucker punch he doesn’t see coming.  “You want me to talk about you?”  It’s an uncharacteristically mean answer, brought on by whatever’s been bothering you, turning blood to battery acid.

“Excuse me?”  

“You heard me.”  

For the briefest moment, he considers lashing out in response - giving back exactly what he’s getting.  But then he spies it, just there, past the usual warmth of your stare.  It’s hiding behind crystallised amber, peeking past the edges.  So much sadness it steals his breath right from his lungs, stripping him bare of red hot fury and leaving him lily white and lovesick.   

When Jungkook speaks again, it’s feather soft, terribly light, begging and pleading in a single utterance.  “Please.”

There’s silence for a beat, then another.  It stings for each second it continues, treading misery all over the thing that beats in his chest.  He’s not used to this.  (You’re his first and only love.  A part of him is grateful for that;  another hates even this.)

He almost asks again - readies it on the tip of his tongue.

Then you’re unloading, giving him everything he’d asked for and more.   

“I love you,”  you tell him in a reedy voice, uneven like the foundation you’ve built together.  Haphazardly thrown into place and hoped for the best on.  “But you’re an idiot.”   

(He deserves that, he supposes.)

Your voice is static, stretched thin and gossamer thin.  Cheek pressed to his curls, you find comfort in your hiding place, as if shielded by the dark.  “I’ve loved you for years and that’ll never stop.  But when you do stupid shit, it’s so hard.”  Your words are honeyed, thick and heavy as they lay into each strand, seep quietly into his ears.  Where they’d normally fill him with ecstasy, delight, send him on a sugar high - these ache, sink right to the pit of his stomach.  “I would give you anything.  Anything.”

“I know.”  Really, he does.  He’s known that since you were kids.  It’s why he’d fallen in love with you, even before he’d realised he had.

“Then why do you test me?”  

It’s not rhetorical.  You want an answer - something real you can hold between your hands.  Something to act as the salve for all the hurt, to bandage the wounds left behind by your uncertainty.  (He’s the same as you - needs to know he means as much to you as you do him.  But you show it in different ways and that’s what’s brought the two of you to this point.)

“I’m sorry,”  he answers, sliding his arms more securely around your waist, face buried into the soft fabric of the robe, into the warmth that lies beneath, into the heart that beats a rhythm identical to his.

“I don’t want sorry.”  After all, you’d already gotten one.  Weeks ago, when he’d pulled the stupid sophomoric stunt, he’d apologised.  Had been apologising every day since then, but in all the wrong ways.  “I want better.” 

It’s as if all of his bones have been cracked open, the weight of your words settling like sand, discomfort and grit snapping his head to attention.  “You want better?”  There’s nothing but alarm in Jungkook’s expression, eyes wide, throat knotted in worry.  “I—”

As always, you read him like an open book.  Hands smooth down the sides of his cheeks, palms searing over his reddened cheeks.  “Not like that.”  You’re reassuring him even as it should be the other way around.  (How ironic.)

He exhales a deep breath.  Doesn’t tear his stare from yours.  

“I just need you to be better.”  You’d never ask this of him if it weren’t important, if you didn’t feel his ignorance and immaturity splintering your insides into glass shards.  You’ve always accepted him exactly as he was, all the good and bad and ridiculous.  

This is different though.  You love him.  You’re taking a chance with him just as he is with you.  Laying your heart in his hands and trusting him to keep it safe, handing out the key in the hopes of building a home.  

So you ask - for both your sakes. 

He promises he will be and you believe him.  Have to.

For both of your sakes.

[shotokimchi]

Throne (Fantasy Au!)

 Pairings: Katsuki Bakugou x Reader

A/N: Hello your girl Alex is here with a new fic! Basically you are the next leader of Marina kingdom but your fathers brother aka your uncle tries to kill you and make his son the next leader for the kingdom but luckily your other uncle which as known as your mothers brother saves you and gives you to the Bakugou family and guess what? They are the lead of the Dragon clan... Please follow me for more content i would be really happy ^^ and im also writing a serie for our crazy blonde Bakugou! Make sure to check it out Spices and Love here! Phew, writing this was fun please reblog, like and if you have ideas for me please message me i will gladly write for you <3

Note: Your name is Y/n in the fic but you have a nickname and its ‘Ena’

Meanings of the names that i used in this fic:

Seiji: Lawful; manages affairs of state.

Adelina: Noble, nobility.

Kaito: Sea, ocean.

Elijah: “My God Is Yahweh”

Ena: Gift from god.

“Hey, dont touch fathers weapons.” Masaru warned his son, Katsuki looked at his father with his crimson eyes then grabbed the base of his fathers sword, Masaru immediately took it from him and he started to scream. “What is he screaming for?!” Mitsuki came with a tray in her hands, Katsuki was only 3 but he was aggressive and hyperactive. She made him sat on her lap then gave a toy bow with a fake arrow. He stared at his toys with curious eyes and started to grin, he let out a cute pleased scream then started to swing the arrow in the air. Masaru sighed and took a cup of tea from the tray “He is only three but acts like a warrior.”  Mitsuki laughed and looked at his son “He is going to be the leader of our clan, of course he needs to act like a warrior.” Masaru was the current clan leader and despite his calm personality he was talented and successful. The leader of the clans house were always at the top of the mountain it was a tradition and that made them see the tents and the people of their clan clearly. They were living in a forest with full of rivers and waterfalls and Masaru’s clan was the strongest clan of the century, then there were kingdoms such as Marina, Metalia, Aros and Kagaku these kingdoms were the well known ones and Marina was the strongest of them all. Marina kingdom represented ‘water’ and they were pretty popular with their big ships and sea trades, their current king Seiji had a strong water quirk, he was married to a beautiful woman named Adelina and her quirk was strategy. Adelina was a part of a water clan called ‘Helen’ in the past and her clan was a big enemy of Marina kingdom. Then she fell in love with Seiji and when Seiji fell for her, they decided to end the rivalry and hate with getting married. Helen clan become a part of the Marina kingdom and they lived in harmony. Seiji’s kingdom was in good terms with Masaru’s clan, they were allies and friends. Even Marina looked like it didnt had any problems Seiji’s younger brother Kaito, wanted his son to become the leader after Seiji, he was only 5 but they were planning to make him the leader when Seiji got too old to rule, on the other hand Adelina wanted her 3 year old daughter Y/n to take the throne after his father.  Adelina’s brother Elijah, protected his niece from her greedy and heartless uncle Kaito. Seiji wanted his own daughter to rule the country but his brother were keep telling him that having Adelina’s daughter as a queen would be the same thing as wounding their pride since she was a Helen member at the past. Seiji was pretty mad about his brothers opinion, Adelina was his wife and that made her the queen of Marina. 

-

When the night came, Marina castle was filled with busy servants they were preparing a big dinner table, usually it was just the king, queen and their 3 year old princess, but today there were going to be Adelina’s parents, sir Elijah with his wife and ofc sir Kaito with his wife and 5 year old son. Adelina was so nervous, she didnt like Kaito one bit and she was sure that he was going to say stupid stuff to offend her. The purpose of this dinner was to talk about the future of Marina and she knew that the throne topic was going to pop up, her daughter was going to be in danger, she quickly walked towards the guest room that his brother was sleeping in. Elijah quickly got up and bowed, then Adelina started to talk “Brother, i have this weird feeling in me and im sure that Kaito is planning something dirty. If you notice something odd tonight, grab Y/n and take her to the Dragon clan.” Elijah frowned. “Dragon clan? The one ruled by Masaru?” she nodded, Elijah was confused, how could a dragon clan was going to help them? “I know what you are thinking Elijah but Masaru is our friend and ally besides, Dragon clan has the best fighting techniques and weapons. They are living in the deep forest so my daughter is going to be safe.” She put a hand on his brothers shoulder and they both nodded. When everyone gathered around the dinner table Y/n was sitting on her mothers lap, her grandmother quickly sat next to her mother and helped her feed the girl. Seiji came with his father- in- law and Elijah, they were having a pleasant conversation then the doors of the dining room opened and Kaito appeared with his family, everyone frowned except Seiji. “Good evening, brother.” Kaito bowed and Seiji smiled. When they all started to eat the tension was thick. Kaito ended the silence with a cough and turned to his big brother “Brother, are we going to talk about the next leader of our kingdom?” Adelina quickly took a deep breath and looked at Elijah he had a frown on his face. Seiji answered “Why are you so concerned about this topic, im still alive arent i ?” Kaito saw the serious face of his brother and quickly laughed to ease the tension. “Oh brother, you are a great leader and you know that i adore you but we need to organise everything for our kingdom.” At this rate, Elijah was furious he quickly opened his mouth “Then i think having Y/n as the future leader would be the best option. Since she is the only child of Queen Adelina and King Seiji.” Kaito snorted and answered “Being the only kid of the queen and king is not enough and since Y/n is female having a male leader would be more to our advantage.” Adelina gave a death glare towards his direction even Seiji started to lose his temper. “What do you mean by that Kaito?” Seiji raised his voice, everyone was scared of Seiji’s serious self so Kaito quickly started to explain himself. “Y/n is going to be a smart and strong princess and i have no doubt about that but we are educating our son Rei for the sake of our kingdom.” *so this was his aim huh* Seiji thought. “My first priority is my daughter.” This was Seiji’s last words and it shut him up. Adelina catched Kaito looking at her daughter with cold eyes, she quickly gave Elijah a signal and Elijah cleared his throat “If you excuse me sir, i would like to rest.” Seiji quickly nodded “Of course Elijah, good evening.” Elijah, disappeared and Adelina quickly kissed her daughters forehead, she didnt wanted to get separated from her one and only child but if it meant to keep her safe then she was going to do it. “Please take Y/n to her room she needs to sleep.” She gave a signal to the maid and the maid nodded “As you wish, queen Adelina.” The maid quickly took Y/n and left. When the maid turned the corner she saw Elijah and bowed “Sir Elijah, your horse is ready.” Elijah took his niece and thanked the maid. He quickly got on his horse and left without a word. He saw the gates of the palace and the guards stopped him. “Sir Elijah? Everything okay?” he took a deep breath and hid his niece under his long cloak. “Im going to get some fresh air, now open the door.” The guard nodded and they opened the big gates of the palace, he quickly dashed towards the forest and after 20 minutes he saw the campfires and tents, it was the dragon clan. He continued to follow the river and found the big waterfall, when he reached the top of the mountain, he saw a big house made by strong and brown woods. The guards in front of the house quickly spotted him and shouted “Who is it?” Elijah gave a sigh of relief and replied. “Im from the Marina kingdom, im queen Adelina’s younger brother sir Elijah and i want to see leader Masaru!” The guard quickly got in the big house, after 5 minutes he came back “This way sir Elijah.”

-

Masaru was confused, he didnt expect to have a guest this late especially from his friends kingdom. The guard slided the door open and Elijah appeared, Masaru quickly got up and they both bowed. “Sir Elijah, i hope everything is okay?” he asked, Mitsuki was sitting behind his husband, she noticed the worry in Elijah’s face. Elijah quickly took off his cloak and they saw a baby in his arms, Mitsuki’s eyes widened. “Is that, princess Y/n?” she asked and Elijah nodded. “Let me explain leader Masaru.” Elijah started and smiled at his niece, she was sleeping peacefully. “Kaito, Seiji’s brother… He is trying to kill Y/n, he wants his son to take the throne but Adelina and Seiji is against the idea. I heard his personal butler talking, he was going to posion Y/n tonight. I didnt told Adelina what i heard, i didnt wanted her to panic.” Mitsuki silently gasped and Masaru furrowed his brows. “What can we do to help?” he asked, Elijah took a deep breath “We know this is too much to ask but can you keep the princess? Seiji doesnt know about this only me, the queen and her personal maid. We cant teach her how to fight, we can only educate her about politics, she needs to learn to defend herself please make her a warrior leader Masaru, we cant trust anyone else. On her 18th birthday im gonna come and take her back.” He bowed. Masaru looked at Y/n’s face, she was an innocent soul, rejecting her would be cruel, he loved Seiji and respected him as a friend. He looked at his wife and silently asked for permission when Mitsuki nodded he smiled and turned to Elijah “We are going to take care of her sir Elijah and we are going to hide her real identity from everyone, even from our son.” Elijah thanked and bowed “If you excuse me i need to return to the palace quickly, we dont know what Kaito is planning.” Masaru nodded, Elijah quickly got on his horse and left. When he left Masaru returned and saw Mitsuki holding Y/n in her arms. “How could they do something like this?!” Mitsuki was so mad, Masaru quickly shook his head and aswered “Kingdom games… They are always dirty.” Mitsuki sighed and opened her mouth “What are we gonna tell Katsuki, what are we gonna tell our clan? Y/n looks different from us even her aura is different.” Masaru looked at the little girl’s face and rubbed his chin “While i was hunting in the forest, i heard little cries and found a little girl by the river, thats what we are going to tell everyone including our son. But Katsuki should know Y/n’s given name, only us can call her Y/n. We gonna tell the clan that we named her ‘Ena’.” Mitsuki raised an eyebrow “Ena? That name means… Gift from god?” Masaru nodded and looked at the little girl “Yeah, it does. We respect nature and even Elijah brought her here its still because of the nature and fate, she is a gift from god.” 

-

The cool air made Elijah’s face froze but he needed to go to the palace, her sister and the throne was in danger. Then he felt like he was being watched, he quickly stopped and shouted “Who’s there?” Then a group of men appeared, when he recognised what they were wearing he was speechles, they were Kaito’s men. “Where is the princess?” A man asked and Elijah scoffed “She’s already in a carriage which is going to a another kingdom.” The man started to ran towards him with his sword and Elijah quickly wounded him, he was a skilled man but they were crowded so he quickly counted them, there were eight people in front of him and he was alone. “You seriously came here with eight people?” Elijah laughed but the man smirked and quickly responded. “Actually nine people sir Elijah, we cant beat you with close combat but…” Then Elijah felt a sharp pain in his chest, when he quickly looked at his torso, he saw an arrow inside of him. “You cant notice an archer in the dark now am i wrong?” Elijah’s vision blurred and he fell from his horse...

-

When the morning came Katsuki quickly got up from his mattress and dashed towards his parents room, he quickly took a deep breath and screamed “AAAAAH!” This was his way of waking people up. His father groaned and opened his eyes, Katsuki was about to jump on them but when he saw a little girl laying beside his parents in a pastel pink mattress, he quickly stopped. The girl slowly opened her e/c eyes and they met with crimson ones. “Who… who?” She couldnt understand where she was, Masaru saw the confusion on her face and felt bad. Poor princess, clueless about everything… Mitsuki was wide awake and she quickly pulled Y/n towards her lap. “Katsuki, say hello to Y/n, she is going to stay with us from now on, you got yourself a new friend!” The little girl was confused, she was only three and her memories were not that strong compared to an adult but she knew that this wasnt her home. “Where… am… i?” Mitsuki quickly shoot his husband a panicked look and Masaru started to explain. “Y/n we found you in the forest… We are going to be your family from now on, im the leader of the Dragon clan and you are going to be my daughter. But our clan is going to call you ‘Ena’ the only ones who allowed to call you Y/n is us, understand?” The girl was even more confused… Something was missing, the warmth of a woman, the love of a certain woman, her mother. “Momma?” she quickly started to look around and Mitsuki felt disgusting, lying to a little pure soul was cruel, she quickly squeezed her “No sweety, momma is here look at me.” Katsuki was dumbfounded, what was going on? Then Y/n started to cry and Mitsuki tried to calm her down, Masaru took Katsuki’s hand and dragged him towards their big garden. He looked at his son and saw the frown on his face, he opened his mouth “Son, you are going to be a strong leader when you grow up. We need to help those in need, thats what leaders do. So i want you to be Y/n’s friend, can you do that for me, strong leader Katsuki?” Katsuki’s eyes shined with determination and he nodded. After twenty minutes Y/n came with Mitsuki, she was holding her hand. Mitsuki gently pushed Y/n towards Katsuki and waited for them to interact. Katsuki looked at his father and his father nodded while giving him an encouraging smile. Katsuki quickly took his fake sword that made from wood and handed to Y/n, she looked at him and hesitantly took it. Then Katsuki grabbed his bow and arrow. “Lets play!” he was trying to make her feel relaxed. Then her face lit up a little and she nodded, after thirty minutes they were playing, screaming and running around. Masaru and Mitsuki were watching them with small smiles on their faces then Mitsuki turned towards her husband and asked “ What if she doesnt forget about her parents? I know she is three and her memories are kinda temporary but any child can feel the absence of their mothers presence, I feel terrible Masaru.” He patted her back and looked her in the eyes “She is going to forget and this is for her sake, we are trying to help the Marina kingdom.” She sighed and nodded. “Besides, look at Katsuki he looks happy with a friend.” Masaru continued “Even he treats the other kids roughly i talked with him and he is being considerate.” He looked at his son, he was laughing while chasing Y/n. Mitsuki watched the kids and sighed “I hope we can protect her…”

-

-

-

One year later

“Woah Katsuki, your quirk is so cool!” You chimed and Katsuki smirked “Of course it is! I just got my quirk but wait and see im gonna be the strongest person in the clan!” you smiled and nodded “You are already the strongest!” Your words boosted his ego and he started to make bigger explosions in his hands. You didnt know what your quirk was, Katsuki got his and it was so cool! But you felt a little sad, you wanted a strong quirk just like his. Masaru immediately called a doctor and they made some test on you when they called Masaru, they told him that you had an Iq and strategy quirk. Having an Iq and strategy quirk is going to be so useful for you, it was going to help you calculate every move of your enemy in close combat or politics. When Masaru and Mitsuki first told you about your quirk you couldnt understand it clearly but one day when you were playing with Bakugou he started to chase you and sent you one of his explosions, you dodged it pretty easily, you started to see clearly and you felt like you were solving formulas in your brain. “Your quirk is not that useless Y/n!” Katsuki shouted with a smirk on his face, you smiled “Thank you, Katsuki!” when he was about to catch you Mitsuki called you both “Y/n, Katsuki! Your tutor is here, come on.” He huffed and replied “Fine! But we are not done Y/n, lets continue playing!” you nodded and gave him a toothy grin. After the lessons, you took a walk in the clan with mother Mitsuki and Katsuki, Katsuki was keep running here and there but you were shy, everyone was smiling at you and complimenting you, you squeezed your mothers hand and she patted your head “Katsuki! Hold Y/n’s hand!” she whisper shouted, she didnt wanted anyone to hear your given name, the rumors about the Marina kingdoms lost princess were everywhere so she didnt wanted people to become suspicious. Katsuki huffed and looked at you “Come on, Ena!” he quickly grabbed your hand and started to run. You were still uneasy with your nickname ‘Ena’ you couldnt understand why they called you with that name when you were outside of the Bakugou house but you knew that they were trying to protect you from something. “BAKUGOU! ENA!” Both of you heard an excited voice and when you turned around you saw Kirishima, he was holding a fake sword in his hand “Kirishima!” you smiled and your hold loosened on Katsuki’s hand, Kirishima quickly approached you both and started to tell you about his newly found quirk. “Woah! Thats amazing!” you clapped your hands and Katsuki snorted “Still! Im stronger than anyone!” Kirishima pouted and you laughed. Then Mitsuki called “Katsuki, Y- i mean Ena! Lets go, i want to have a picnic while watching the waterfall.” You pouted and Bakugou sighed, you wanted to play with your friends and both of them felt the same so Mitsuki invited Kirishima, the three of you started to ran towards the forest. You crossed the stone bridge while admiring the river and started to walk deep into the forest. Then you felt weird, it was… nostalgic. You rarely left the Bakugou house so the unusual feeling scared you, you stopped walking, Katsuki and Kirishima looked at you with confusion. “Hey! Ena come on!” Katsuki shouted but you were looking around. The feeling of a certain person, no… A man? Mitsuki managed to catch up with the three of you and saw the expression on your face “Ena? Whats wrong?” You started to run towards the waterfall and the three of them followed you, when you reached the waterfall, the feeling only grew stronger. “A man… A horse…” you started to mutter. “Ena, are you okay?” Kirishima called out to you while trying to catch his breath, you were too fast. “Ena…?” Mitsuki approached and patted your head. “Momma… Did father found me right here?” Her eyes widened *Oh no, dejavu…* she thought and cleared her throat. “No honey, he found you by the river.” You looked at her face *Momma, is lying…* you thought, your quirk was Iq  after all. Observing people and figuring them out was an easy task for you. *Is momma lying because… she wants to keep me safe?* “Ok momma… Then lets have our picnic!” You smiled and she gave a sigh of relief, your mood quickly changed and you didnt thought much about it, you were just four years old.

-

-

-

Eight years later

You and Katsuki were twelve now, he was always aggressive, competitive and rough while you were kind, calm and friendly. You and Kirishima were the only ones he considered real ‘friends’. Both of you were always taking lessons and having private training sessions. Bakugou was going to be the future leader of the clan. But you never understood what were you going to be… When your training session ended you decided to take a walk in the forest. “What… am i going to be? Who am i? Father Masaru always tells me that im a gift from the nature but am i a princess, a witch, a fairy? Everything im learning is too easy for me…” While you were muttering someone approached you from behind and just when you were about to turn around- “BOO!” Katsuki shouted and you looked at him, emotionless. “Wha- are you dead or something?!” You dropped the emotionless look and started to laugh “Dead? Ahahaha! Katsuki you are the only one who approaches me and tries to scare me all the time, im used to it!” Although you grow up together, Katsuki never saw you as his sister and it was the same for you, he was your first friend and you were his only female friend. He never told you but he really cared about you. You were always with him from the start, when he got his quirk you were the one who witnessed it first, when he got in trouble for stealing the apples in the kitchen you were his partner in crime, you were his training partner, his friend. When you were having trouble about sleeping because of your nightmares he always came and sat beside you till you fall asleep, when you felt lonely he tried to cheer you up in his own ‘Bakugou way’ you were the child of nature, a gift from god, his friend that god sent. “What are you doing here Y/n, you gonna get lost or something.” He huffed and you snorted “The child of nature getting lost in the forest? Come on Katsuki! Besides my power is Iq and strategy remember? Even if i get lost, i can easily survive!” he shuffled your hair “Whatever! Lets go before our old hag starts to look for us.” You rolled your eyes “She is your hag not mine, so… Bye!” You started to run into the forest and he shouted “Hey! Come back here!” He started to chase you, but you were fast so he used his explosions to get close to you, just when he was about to grab your arm you quickly jumped, grabbed a branch and climbed, he missed “Oi! Y/n, what are you doing?!” You were laughing like crazy, then he lost the sight of you “Y/n!” He called but there was no sound *There is only one place…* he thought, then started to run towards the waterfall. “Finally Katsuki, you are too slow!” He saw you, standing on the top of the waterfall gettin help from the big rock underneath you for balance. “What are you doing, dumbass?” He shouted but you didnt heard him because of the waterfall. Then you smirked and motioned him to come, he quickly used his explosions to fly and landed on the ground. “Y/n, you are gonna slip dumbass come here!” You shook your head “Nope!” Then you jumped. His eyes were wide, he knew that nothing was gonna happen but when he didnt saw your frame, he panicked “Y/n!” he waited but it was just the big roar of the waterfall and the big steam. He immediately jumped, his fall was rough and he swallowed a little bit of water. “Y/n?!” He was looking around then he felt little arms wrapping around his shoulders “Boo! Hehehe got you, Katsuki.” He jumped and turned to see your wet hair and shiny eyes. “Idiot! What were you thinking?!” he screamed and your eyes widened, he was an adventurous guy, why was he acting like an old man? “Katsuki? Were you… worried about me?” You asked and he avoided your gaze “Tch.” you smiled “Awww, you are the best!” you squeezed him and he pushed you “Hold onto me, im taking us out, im all wet because of you!” He tried to create explosions but it was hard when he was in the water, he managed to get the both of you out and dragged you towards the house.

-

-

-

Three years later

“Oi Y/n, wake up dumbass!” No matter how many times that you told him to knock, he didnt give a damn and barged into your room, like always. When he saw you, he regretted his action but it was too late. “K-katsuki?! GET OUT!” You were in your ladylike udergarments, your hair was messy just from waking up and your cheeks were now as red as Kirishima’s hair, thanks to him. His face turned red and he slammed the door shut. “I ALWAYS TELL YOU TO KNOCK!” You shouted “WHATEVER!” He shouted back and ran towards to the backyard just when he was about to open the door, his father appeared and smiled “Good morning, son.” But when he saw Katsuki’s face, he was confused. “Are you okay?” He avoided his father “Im gonna run!” and quickly left the house. When you heard him leave you slowly got out and found Mitsuki sitting on the front porch. “Mother Mitsuki, can we talk?” She turned around and saw your flushed face “Y/n, do you have a fever?” You quickly shook your head and sat next to her. “M-mother Mitsuki, Katsuki always barges into my room without knocking and… im a little uncomfortable.” she immediately understand what you were trying to say and sighed. “Both of you are growing up Y/n but men cant realise things unless you tell them, dont worry i will talk to him, stupid kid where are his manners.” She sighed and you smiled “ N-no mother Mitsuki, please dont be mad at him i just want him to understand that we are not kids anymore.” She patted your shoulder and giggled. “Yeah, you guys grew up together so he still thinks that he can have a bath with you.” Your face was burning up, when you were five, you always took a bath with Katsuki. “M-mother!” you covered your face and Mitsuki laughed.

-

 Katsuki was running like a mad wolf, he was sweaty and tired but he felt alive, he used his explosions to fly and see the mesmerizing forest. It was fall so the red, orange and yellow trees looked more beautiful than ever. He immediately spotted the lake that he took his baths in and flew towards that direction. When he landed, he quickly kicked his boots and dipped his toes into the water, then he started to look around, your flustered and half naked image was still in his mind. “Dumbass.” His ears turned red and he quickly washed his face with the fresh water. He closed his eyes and tried to calm down but your red cheeks were still there… “I should hunt.” Hunting was one of his favourite activities, he felt strong, chasing his prey and finally managing to catch, the feeling of victory always lifted his spirits. So he stood up and set up a small trap and started to wait... 

Katsuki managed to catch four rabbits and when he reached his house, he had a victorious smirk on his face when he was about to head inside, he saw you. You were training with one of the strongest archers in the clan. “Ok Y/n do it like i taught you.” You closed your left eye and took a deep breath, when you let it go you managed to hit the little red mark that your teacher drew. “Good job Y/n! If you continue to train like this, im going to teach you to how to shoot things while riding a horse then a dragon.” Your eyes lit up and you bowed “Thank you, sir!” he laughed and patted your head. “You are gonna be the best female archer in this clan, trust me!” his words encouraged you and you took a new arrow. “Ok! Now i want you to shoot the moving apple. If you can shoot moving things that means you are ready to ride an animal while using a bow.” You nodded and looked at the swinging apple, it was attached to a rope. Bakugou watched you silently, he didnt wanted to distract you, he always admired the you on the training grounds. Serious, determined, stubborn, most of the girls in the clan were busy with collecting stones and making necklaces, feeding the dragons, the sheeps or sewing clothes. “Focus, Y/n.” the instructors words interrupted his thoughts and he stared at your form, you pulled the string, slowly inhaled and exhaled, then… “Good job Y/n!” The instructor clapped and you grinned “I did it, sir!” There was an arrow with blue feathers in the middle of the apple. “Keep practising Y/n, if you manage to shoot the moving targets on our next lesson, you are going to train on a horse.” You bowed and thanked him, when he left you grabbed three new apples and tied them with a rope, Bakugou was still behind you and he was watching. *Lets see if it was just luck or not* he thought. In the blink of an eye you shoot the first one then you quickly aimed for the second one and shooted it. Now you were looking at the third apple, it was still swinging. *Left, right, left… right* You closed your left eye and… *Now!* when you looked at the third apple, its other half was on the ground. “I did it!” you started to jump like a baby deer and Bakugou chuckled. “Guess you are not that bad, dumbass.” You immediately froze “K-katsuki? How long have you been there?!” Your cheeks started to burn. “Quite a while actually.” He smirked, you crossed your arms and pouted “Y-you surprised me.” The flustered look only made his smirk grow wider. “Yeah whatever, you are not that bad.” Your eyes met and you started to feel calmer “Thank you, Katsu.”

-

-

-

One year later

Katsuki was taking a walk in the clan, when he woke up he looked at your room but then Mitsuki told him that you left for training. “Dumbass Y/n, she is leaving on her own now huh...” He sighed. You made some crazy ass progress in a year, you were stronger and pretty good in combat, you were the best female archer in the clan. The young men of the clan were amazed by your skills, you were the center of attention and aside from your battle skills you were so beautiful and elegant at the same time. You looked different compared to the people in the dragon clan. You had only three or four female friends because most of the girls in the clan were jelaous of your skills and you being so close to the next leader, handsome and strong Katsuki. When Katsuki reached the battle area he saw you and a girl holding a silver sword in her hands. “Take this Ena!” She charged towards you but you quickly dodged and kicked her in the knees. %80 percent of the audience was male and all of their eyes were glued to the battle. “Ena-chan doesnt have a weapon and yet, she is beating her opponent up!” One of the males spoke up and his friends nodded. “Her quirk is so useful in battle but i wanna see her shoot targets while riding a dragon!” the third male spoke up “She is so beautiful and yet so strong, i wonder if she’s single?” Katsuki was tired of the fanboys’ conversation, he scoffed. “Bakubro!” Then he heard Kirishima’s voice and saw him waving with a big smile on his face, he started to walk towards the red haired boy “You can see the battle clearly from here, Bakubro.” Bakugou nodded “I guess.” Kiri was so hyped, he was keep moving his fists and shouting encouraging words to you “You are doing a good job Ena, keep going!” Katsuki snorted and turned towards his friend “Are you five or something, dont distract her.” While everyone was clapping and cheering, your mind was a mess *Dodge, left, right… Now a kick to her stomach! Oh, im doing pretty good. Looking at her position, im guessing she is going to attack my knees or my feet, i need to be careful.* You started to ran towards her, she bent down and tried to grab your legs but you quickly jumped and now her back was facing yours, you quickly spinned and kicked her back, she lost her balance and fell on her stomach. You immediately sat on her back and holded her wrists. The crowd was cheering like crazy “YOU ARE AMAZING ENA!” or “ENA WON!” your opponent stopped moving and said “I give up.” You quickly stood up, extended your hand and smiled “You are pretty strong.” She smiled back and grabbed your hand “Not as strong as you Ena-san.” When you were about to leave she called back “Say, Ena-san. Wanna take a bath together in the lake?” You turned and smiled “Sure, i forgot to ask what’s your name?” she replied “Shiniqua.”

-

“Wow Ena, you were amazing out there!” Kirishima shouted and you laughed “Thank you, Kiri.” Bakugou was silent, observing your messy hair and scratched cheeks but your voice interrupted him “How did i do, Katsuki?” You asked with a big grin and a glint of hope in your eyes. He stayed silent for a second and snorted “You are not dead so… It was alright.” You laughed and pinched his cheeks “Awww, thank you!” His cheeks started to turn red, he was going to be the leader after all, he needed to look scary and strong but here you were squeezing his cheeks like he was a toddler. “Hwey, oi! Stowp, hmpf!” He quickly grabbed your wrists and yanked them off but you and Kiri were still laughing. “We are gonna go hunting with some friends, wanna come Ena-chan?” Kiri asked but you shook your head “No, sorry Kiri. I need to take a bath, im so sweaty and dirty also some of my friends are waiting for me, Bye bye!” You waved and Kiri waved back but Bakugou was too busy with covering his red face.

-

“You were so cool out there Ena-chan!” Hana chimed, you were relaxing in the lake with some of the girls in the clan. Hana was the only close friend you had, well except for Bakugou and Kirishima. “Thank you Hana but Shiniqua was pretty talented dont you think?” Hana nodded but Shiniqua quickly shook her head “I have a lot to learn from you Ena-san!” you chatted about all kinds of things and the topic now was a classic one ‘boys’ “Sayyyy… Ena-chan, you are pretty close with Bakugou are you guys you know…?” A girl named Shiko started to speak and the other girls turned to you, your face started to heat up and you quickly shook your head “N-no of course not! Me and Bakugou are really close friends, almost like siblings, we grew up together!” Your usually calm and collected expression was now a mess so the girls started to wiggle their eyebrows and continued to tease you “Ah, stop teasing me!” you yelled and attacked the girls while all of you were laughing Shiko stopped moving and turned pale “G-girls?” All of you stopped and looked at her “Shiko-san whats wrong? Shiniqua asked and Shiko pointed towards a bush “T-there is someone watching us, the bush moved!” All of you panicked and the girls started to shout “Calm down everyone!” you tried to calm them down but they were busy searching for their towels, all of you immediately grabbed your towels and wrapped it around your bodies, the girls were screaming and all of them ran away. You were suspicious that it was a spy so you immediately ran towards your house to get help, Bakugou was taking a walk in the forest with Kirishima and two guys named Arata and Ryuu. They were one of the strongest guys in the clan and they respected Bakugou so much, aside from Kirishima they were the only guys he could work together with. “So, Bakugou? Are you gonna attend the training camp?” Ryuu asked “Why should i? Im already training with strong warriors.” He looked at the sky and back to Ryuu “I dont know man, it would be fun to attend together” Arata spoke up and Kirishima nodded. “Yeah Bakubro! Just consider-“ Kiri’s eyes widened and he froze the guys turned towards him and eyed him with concern, his face was red as his hair “Kirishima you okay man?” Arata followed Kirishima’s gaze and now he was red as a tomato “Holy…” Bakugou rose a brow and exchanged a look with Ryuu when they both turned to look at what their friends were looking at Bakugou almost had a heart attack “What the-?!” Here you were running towards them with a towel wrapped around your body with flushed cheeks and wet hair, half naked… Ryuu choked on his spit and Arata covered his face, Kiri was worried but also too shy to say anything and Bakugou… well Bakugou exe just stopped working. “Katsuki! We need help!” When he saw the worry in your eyes he tried to focus but you grabbed his arm and pulled it towards your chest. He was too stunned to yank it off so he stared blankly at you. “Katsuki! Are you listening to me? I guess there is a spy in the forest!” Now all of them were alarmed and understood how serious the situation was. “A what?” He finally managed to answer “A spy, Katsuki! When we were relaxing in the lake one of the girls saw something behind a bush and all of them ran away, i didnt saw anyone but wanted to make sure so i came here to get some help!” A nasty scowl formed on his face and he straightened. “Lets go check it out then.” “We are coming too!” Kiri spoke up and the other two nodded. Katsuki shook his head “No, one person is enough… Oi! Stop looking at her!” He scolded them, Ryuu started to bow and apologise while Arata turned away and muttered apologies with flushed cheeks and poor Kiri, he was too pure he kneeled in front of you and waited for your forgiveness.

-

“Ok now, where is our spy?” He whispered and you pointed towards the bush, he grabbed his sword and started to walk towards it, then… *Rustle rustle* You jumped and crossed your arms over your chest, Katsuki turned around and grabbed your wrist “Get behind me Y/n!” Normally you would fight with him but since you were naked, you obeyed. Then just when he was about to make a move a deer appeared and ran away “Ack!” You hid yourself behind Katsuki but he stopped. “Hah? So our dangerous spy was a deer?” You replied “A what?” He sighed and turned towards you “Y/n, that was a damn deer.” You gave a sigh of relief but he snorted “Seriously, you guys ran away because of a delicious meal?” You blushed and pouted “When they said that there was someone i panicked okay, how should’ve i known?!” Now you were trying to cover yourself while Katsuki was laughing his ass off. “Yeah whatever, miss WARRIOR.” You sighed and accepted defeat then you shivered and Katsuki noticed. “Here.” He dropped his fur coat over your shoulders and his warmth enveloped you. “You are a weird one you know that?” You raised and eyebrow and gasped “Excuse me?” He smirked but didnt wanted to argue “Arent you tired dumbass? Lets go.” You hummed in agreement and both of you started to walk towards the house.

-

“Mother Mitsuki, do you need help?” Mitsuki was peeling a potato while the servents were running back and forth for dinner preparations. “Oh, dont worry Y/n! The servents are working and dinner is almost done, you had training sessions in the morning right? Why dont you rest a little?” You bowed and thanked her “Hmm, what should i do? I dont wanna sleep… Ah! I know what to do.” You ran towards your room and grabbed some stones that you collected before. Then you sat at the wooden floor of the front porch and started to make a necklace from the red stones. “These red stones remind me of Katsuki’s eyes, maybe i should give this to him.” When the necklace was done it looked elegant and beautiful. “Wow, im proud of this.” You hummed and smiled “What are you proud of?” The voice made you jump and when you turned to look, you saw Katsuki standing behind you “O-oh, nothing!” You quickly hid the necklace, he didnt question you further and sat next to you “How you feeling?” he asked and you smiled “Im okay, thanks to you! I didnt catch a cold.” He nodded “Good.” You sat there in comfortable silence then you gave a side glance and saw Katsuki admiring the sky. You sighed then looked at him again, he was beautiful, a sharp jawline, crimson eyes and ash blond hair, he was just perfect. “Why are you looking at me like that idiot?” You jumped and started shook your head in a defensive way “U-uh, i wasnt looking at you!” Then he snorted “Yeah? I dont believe you.” you pouted “Stop teasing me, Katsuki!” You playfully hit his arm and he chuckled. “Whatever, lets go and eat.” He got up and you followed suit, you quickly sat down next to Katsuki and waited for his parents, when Masaru and Mitsuki appeared both of you gave a little bow and they smiled. The dinner was lovely both of them were kind and loving, if only they were your real parents… Katsuki ate quickly then cleared his throat “Im going.” Mitsuki looked at his son and asked “Where are you going at this hour?” He answered “Patrolling with Kirishima.” Just when he was about to leave the room, you spoke up “Can i come too?” He looked at you, confused. “Its late Y/n.” He replied but you wanted to join him, this was the perfect opportunity to give him the necklace that you made. “Please Katsuki, im not gonna be a burden i promise!” He sighed then his eyes met your shiny and hopeful ones “Fine…” You smiled and jumped from your seat “Yay!” Mitsuki and Masaru watched you both leave. “Im glad that they get along.” Mitsuki started and looked at his husband “Y/n seems happy and she is pretty succesful dont you think?” Masaru nodded “Besides, she is a pretty good friend.” Masaru looked at his wife and sighed “I hope they’ll stay friends.” Mitsuki raised a brow “What so you mean, Masaru?” Masaru pinched the bridge of his nose and continued “They are not kids anymore, Mitsuki. Y/n is a young lady now and Katsuki is not a little boy, their relationship is different now. Mutual respect, trust and something im scared of…” Mitsuki quickly shook her head “No, you must be mistaken Masaru, they grew up together!” “But that doesnt change the fact that they are both matured. Katsuki is careful around her, i know im not the most talktive one in the family but im a good observer.” Mitsuki looked at the tea cup in her hands and sighed...

-

“Bakubro you came! Oh? Ena-chan you came too?” You waved and smiled “Yeah, i was bored and wanted to tag along. I hope i didnt ruined your ‘bro’ time.” He quickly shook his head with a serious expression “Of course not! I love Ena-chan, she is always welcome, right Bakubro?” Bakugou rolled his eyes “Hm.” Kirishima was one of the few people that posessed the ability to transform into a dragon so whenever Bakugou wanted to go on a patrol he always had Kiri with him. There were normal dragons in the clan but %3 of the clan posessed the dragon ability and all of them got trained for war. Kirishima was one of them and Bakugou always trusted him with his life even he didnt admitted it loudly. “What are you waiting for shitty hair, come on transform.” He quickly nodded and turned into a beautiful red dragon. Bakugou quickly hopped on his back and looked at you “Should i send an invitation? Hurry!” You huffed and grabbed his hand and now you were sitting on Kiri’s back, arms around Bakugou’s waist. Kirishima took of from the ground and your grip on Bakugou tightened. “Sorry, Bakugou...” you mumbled and hid your face in the fur around his shoulders. “Oi! Careful shitty hair, Ena is here too so control your speed.” Kirishima slowed down but your eyes were still squeezed shut “Come on dumbass open your eyes, this is not your first time riding a dragon.” You took deep breaths “Yeah but Kirishima is huge and he is faster than the other dragons!” Kirishima took that as a compliment and let out a pleased noise. After 15 minutes you were laughing like a five year old and enjoying the beautiful view then you remembered the necklace and straightened. “Katsuki, i made something for you.” He tensed up and started to listen, when he stayed silent you took that as a sign to continue “Its nothing much but i just want you to have it, you were my first friend after all.” Then he felt your small hands around his neck “Oi, what are you...?” when he felt the cold stones around his neck he turned his had trying to get a glimpse of you. “I collected these stones from the river, they were beautiful and the color reminded me of your eyes.” His heart was beating faster, he hated this feeling... “This is a thank you gift Katsuki. Thank you for being my friend when no one was there, i dont know where i came from, i dont know if i have parents or not, sometimes it wounds me but then i think of you and your family. Im so lucky to have you all in my life, i still dont know who i am but im gonna get strong and stay by your side when you become a leader.” His breath hitched in his throat, thats why he trusted you, you didnt had any connections with him from the start but you still become his friend, you created the connection with him and tried to get stronger to stay by his side. He took a deep breath and opened his mouth “It doesnt matter where you came from or who your parents are, it doesnt change the fact that you are strong thats how i see you. You are a part of this clan and nothing is going to change that, so you better get stronger and stay with me when i rule this clan.” Your eyes widened and cheeks darkened. You couldnt see his expression but he had a soft smile on his face, you tightened your hold around his waist and nodded. 

-

“Oi dumbass, are you sleeping?” Your arms loosened their grip around him so he immediately grabbed both of your arms and you tried to reply but your eyelids were pretty heavy. “No...” Your breathing started to slow down and he sighed “Kirishima, we are landing.” Kirishima obeyed and tried to land softly as possible. When he managed to do it Bakugou turned towards you and your head collided with his chest. “What am i gonna do with you dumbass...” He started to take deep breaths and realised that he was inhaling your scent, he quickly shook his head and tried to wake you up “Oi, dummy wake up!” Your eyes fluttered open “Hah?! Oh, im sorry Katsuki.” He scowled and you got off of Kirishima, he transformed into his human form and looked at Bakugou mischievously. Bakugou glared at him and you yawned “Im sleepy, lets go...” You gave Kirishima a friendly hug and tugged at Bakugou’s cloak. “Lead us Lord Bakugou!” you laughed lazily and Kirishima grinned at you both. Bakugou grabbed your wrist and started to drag you, Kirishima smiled and whispered to himself “So he finally realised...” 

-

Two years later

“Weak, harder!” Your lungs were burning up, sweat was dripping from your forehead and he was still energetic. Katsuki and you were training for two hours, he was pretty good at close combat so he wanted to show off by ‘teaching’ you some new moves. “Of course its weak! Im throwing hands with you for hours!” You yelled back and he snorted “You cant get stronger if you whine like a little brat.” He loved messing with you, he already knew that you were the strongest woman in the clan and you were just eighteen, he just wanted to show you his new technique but he was too shy to ask so training was a good excuse. “Katsuki please, im hungry!” He sighed and scratched his head “You stubborn woman... Fine!” After fifteen minutes you guys were walking side by side with meat buns in your hands. The shopkeepers were greeting you both with sincere smiles and bows. “Where are we going now Katsuki?” He looked around and turned to you “My dagger needs to be sharpened, we need to see Arata.” You smiled and nodded “Oh, its been a while since i saw Arata-san!” When you made it to the iron shop Arata greeted you with a confident smile “Ena-chan and Bakugou, what a good surprise!” Arata and Bakugou started to chat and you were watching the people of the clan work, then your eyes met with 3 pair of angry eyes. There were three girls eyeing you with an annoyed expression, first you didnt understand the reason but then it clicked *Ohhh right... They are jelaous bc im with Bakugou.* The ladies were crazy about Bakugou but he didnt looked at any of them, he was just too busy with training and other stuff, when you tried to brought it up he immediately changed the topic with an intense glare. “Oi, Ena we are leaving.” His voice interrupted your thoughts and you nodded.

-

Masaru was pacing back and forth in the garden, your 18th birthday was getting closer, he didnt wanted to hand you over to Elijah but he knew that you had responsibilities. “Five days... We have five days.” He murmured, normally he would be happy to celebrate your birthday but this was different, Mitsuki was the same, she didnt wanted you to leave and fight. You were like his own daughter and a part of the Bakugou family. Their minds drifted off to their son, he didnt had a clue. They didnt told anything to him, he was just like you, clueless... This remorse were going to be the end of them.

-

“Katsuki, w-wait!” You guys were running for ten minutes. When you left Arata’s iron shop, the girls of the clan started to gather around you both, Bakugou grabbed your wrist and started to run like a mad dog. You were tired of the chasing so you yanked him towards you and started to ran towards the girls “What are you doing shitty woman?!” You smirked and the girls looked at you with confusion, you ran into them like a bowling ball and knocked them off like bowling pins. Bakugou started to laugh and you shouted “Bakugou use your explosions!” He grabbed your waist and used his explosions to fly. When you lost the sight of the mad girls, both of you laughed “Why did you attacked them, dumbass?” You smirked and answered “They were sending me icy glares, i just needed revenge!” He snorted and both of you landed somewhere in the forest, when you took a look at your surroundings, you noticed the beatiful roses. “Katsuki, look!” You started to run towards the roses and he smiled to himself, you looked like a little girl. “I always saw the rose crowns but never had a chance to make them!” Bakugou looked at you with confusion “Rose what?” You smiled and started to explain with a goofy smile “Rose crowns! You know, the girls in the clan makes flower crowns from roses, sometimes they are red, white, pink or even orange!” He touched his red necklace that you made, your birthday was close so he wanted to make something for you, he bent down and started to pick up some white roses, you looked at him with confusion then he sat down and looked at you with an annoyed expression “Oi, are you gonna sit or what?” You sat down and started to watch him make a beautiful crown. He was the next leader he was a warrior and yet, his hands were skilled and careful on the roses. When he finished, he looked at the crown and hummed “Look.” You looked at his eyes and thats when you felt the warmth on your cheeks. He placed the crown on your head, you looked like a nature goddess. His cheeks turned pink and he averted his eyes “Happy early birthday...” He murmured and you looked at him with shiny eyes, smiling to yourself you decided to tease him “Whaaaa, i couldnt hear you Katsu?” The nickname made his heart stop, he grunted and looked at you with a frown “I know you heard it !” You laughed and replied “Ok ok, no need to be shy!” He growled and your laughter got louder. Then you looked at him with a sincere smile “Thank you, Katsuki.” You started to get closer and he gulped, why was he nervous? You gave him a tight hug and whispered “Thank you for being in my life Katsu.” His heart jumped and he inhaled your scent, this scent belonged to you... It was calming, soft, elegant. He wanted to return the hug but was too shy for it, so he slowly pulled back and you saw the tiny smile on his lips.

-

The evening came quickly and now you were having dinner with the Bakugou family, Mitsuki and Masaru were too quiet and Katsuki gave you a puzzled look. Just when you were about to open your mouth Masaru’s servent appeared and bowed “Leader Masaru, there is a woman wishing to see you.” Everyone in the table gave him a confused look and he got up, when you looked at mother Mitsuki, her expression was unreadable. After some time Masaru appeared with the woman and when her eyes landed on you she gasped. “Y/n!” Your eyes widened, only your father, mother and Katsuki knew your real name. Masaru saw the shocked expressions on yours and Katsuki’s face so he sat down and motioned her to sit. The woman’s eyes were glued to you and you felt nervous. Mitsuki’s hands were shaking but she tried to mask her anxiety. Something was very wrong, you were not dumb it was the opposite, your quirk was IQ and strategy and yet you were utterly confused. Masaru looked at Mitsuki and nodded “Y/n and Katsuki, we are gonna have a long talk.” Both of you looked at eachother, you gulped and met with the blonde’s ruby eyes, he sensed your anxiety and gave you a reassuring nod. “Y/n, this is Mrs. Kairi. Your uncle Elijah’s wife, in other words your aunt.” Your eyes widened and your face turned pale. Your aunt? Who? You had an uncle... You didnt had anyone, how was that possible? Katsuki was as shocked as you were, he looked at you for answers but when he saw your pale face, he closed his mouth and turned his eyes towards the woman. She gave you a sincere smile then Masaru continued “Y/n, i know its a lot to take in but fifteen years ago your uncle Elijah, your mothers brother gave you to us and left, it was all for your safety. Your other uncle Kaito tried to organise an assassination for you. He wanted his son to rule the Marina kingdom but your mother Adelina wanted you to lead and she wanted us to raise you.” Your mind was a mess, all the emotions came crashing down on you, you had a mother... You had a family, there were evil people like Kaito but it didnt matter, you had a family! Mitsuki got up from her seat and sat next to your other side, she squeezed you tight and you closed your eyes, silent tears started to fall and she patted your head, you were so happy that you had a real mother and you were happy about the fact that she tried to keep you safe by giving you to the Bakugou family but Mitsuki was the mother figure you always had and you were so grateful. Katsuki’s brain was the same, he was curious, excited and nervous. He was really happy about the fact that you had a family but he didnt know how you were feeling at the moment. Then Masaru turned towards your aunt and asked “Mrs. Kairi, its an honour to have you but i expected Sir Elijah on Y/n’s 18th birthday. Isnt it dangerous for you to come all the way here?” She gulped and the happiness in the room vanished. You looked at her, expectantly. She gulped and tears started to fall down from her face “When my husband Elijah gave Y/n to you. Kaito’s men attacked him and he...” She couldnt finish her sentence and started to cry, your eyes widened. Your uncle died while trying to save you, the guilt came crashing down on you and you got up from your seat everyone one looked at you with shocked expressions and you made your way towards your aunt, your forehead met with the floor and you bowed “I’m sorry!” Your voice was shaking but you didnt care. “I owe my life to uncle Elijah! I will take revenge!” Your voice cracked and you were a crying mess, your aunt patted your head and grabbed your hands, you saw the sad expression on her face, she cupped your cheeks and took a deep breath “Y/n... Your uncle was not the only one who got killed that night...” Your eyes widened and your body froze, Mitsuki gasped and Masaru were looking at your aunt with a pale face on the other hand Katsuki’s body was shaking. “Mrs. Kairi dont tell me that his father Seiji-” Kairi cut him off “No, the king is alive.” Relief washed over you but you remembered your mother and squeezed her hand “W-w-what about my mother, is she okay...?” Everyone were looking at her with hopeful eyes, when she bowed and sealed her mouth your body started to shake violently, tears were falling like rain droplets and your teeth were clashing. “Please tell me that my mother is okay!” You started to scream and your aunt started to tear up, you started to pull your hair, and shake your head. You couldnt accept the fact that your mother was gone, it couldnt be true, after all these years you found out that you had a family and now the precious people were already gone. “Kaito’s servant, poisoned her...” Her voice was shaking, she was having a hard time and you couldnt blame your aunt, it was traumatic. Then you felt your legs move by their own, you dashed towards the door and all you could hear was the muffled voices of Katsuki your step-parents and your aunt. You quickly grabbed a dragon and took off, you didnt had a clue about where you were going, you just wanted to run away from this nightmare “M-mom...” You closed your eyes and felt the warmth of a certain woman “Mom, is that you...?” The nostalgic feeling was too strong, it made your mind blurry. You decided to stop, you patted the dragon and it started to land. Now you were on top of a mountain, the dragon clan was still visible but it was far away. You layed on the grass and looked at the stars, the stars became blurry because of your tears, you wanted to wake up from this nightmare. Your mind drifted off to your father, you wondered how he was holding up, you knew that the demon, Kaito was still alive. Your blood started to boil, you were going to rip his head off and save the kingdom, you owed this to your lovely mother and uncle.

-

Katski watched Y/n’s breakdown with a sad expression and a broken heart. His strong, intelligent, optimistic and kind friend was having the worst day of her life. When you left he didnt think twice and followed you, first he thought of riding a dragon but you were already out of sight so he used his explosions to take off from the ground. Now he was looking around for the signs of you, he saw a campfire coming from the top of a mountain, it was far away but visible. So he decided to go there and when he saw you laying on the ground, he gave a sigh of relief. He sat next to you but you didnt reacted so he opened his mouth “Y/n.” The only answer he got was silence so he continued “I know its hard, i never lost someone important to me so the pain im feeling is nothing compared to yours but we are in this together, you are my... friend. We’ll fight together and save the throne from that bastard’s hands.” You sat up an your e/c eyes met his ruby ones, you never thought that Bakugou could be soft and follow you here. Your tears started to fall and you grabbed his neck, the sudden movement surprised him but when he felt your arms around his neck, his heart started to beat faster. “Katsu...” Your grip on him tightened and your tears fell to his shoulder. He inhaled your scent and held your waist. You were hugging him with full force “I dont wanna lose you too...” Your voice cracked and his grip tightened “I know you are strong and all but we dont know Kaito’s strenght.” He furrowed his brows and replied “So you expect me to let you leave, alone?” You tried to chuckle but your eyes felt heavy. “Katsu, I... I’m so lucky to have you in my life.” When he felt your body started to get heavier he didnt do anything to make you move, he wanted to feel your warmth. “Y/n, as long as we’re together, we’ll fight together.” You smiled and drifted to sleep, when he was sure that you were asleep he sighed and looked at the stars “As long as we’re together... I’ll be by your side.”

-

When the morning came Katsuki and Y/n took the map of the Marina Kingdom from Masaru’s archieve, her aunt stayed the night so they discussed about some important matters and Kairi promised to help them, with Kairi’s help it was going to be easy, they wanted to make a simple but useful plan so Y/n needed some strong men. She asked Bakugou for Kirishima, Arata and Ryuu’s help, Bakugou went to discuss the matter with them. Now Y/n was riding her dragon towards the Marina Kingdom it wasnt that far, she just wanted to steal a glance. When she saw the big palace and the beautiful water sources, her jaw dropped. The palace had an ocean and forest view, it was beautiful. Her heart ached, if only she grew up here... She shook her head and started to think about a strategy.

-

The boys were sitting at Arata’s iron shop, Bakugou told everything about Y/n, after he finished his friends were shocked “Ena-chan is what?!” Kirishima shouted, Bakugou gave him a death glare and growled “You want people to hear us shitty hair?!” Arata and Ryuu were shocked as Kirishima was but they decided to stay silent. “So you are telling me that Ena-chan’s real name is Y/n and she is the next heir of the Marina Kingdom, why didnt you tell me sooner?!” Eijiro was hurt, he thought that Bakugou and Y/n was his best friends. Bakugou scoffed and continued “I told you! They only told me her real name, i didnt know that she was a princess or something like that, Y/n and i just found out yesterday!” Arata scratched his head and interrupted “I’m sure she’s having a hard time...” Ryuu nodded and sighed “Poor, Y/n.” Eijiro felt sad, he wanted to see Y/n and make sure that she was okay, losing your mother was something terrifying. Bakugou sighed and looked at his friends “Its not easy but Y/n is not fragile, i know it.” They looked at Bakugou and saw the glint in his eyes, they smiled to each other and Eiji decided to lighten up the mood. “Lets save the throne! Then we will arrange the wedding!” Bakugou looked at him with confused eyes “What wedding?” He grinned and replied “Yours and Y/n’s!” Bakugou blushed but tried to mask it with shouting “WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!” Arata and Ryuu joined Kiri and continued to tease Bakugou.

-

When the evening came you called a meeting with the boys in the Bakugou household and all of them immediately came. “Y/n-chan!” You turned around, Kirishima was running towards you with open arms, your eyes softened and you ran into him arms. “Oi dont block the corridor!” Bakugou scolded you both but Kiri smiled and dragged you towards the meeting room. All of you discussed the important matters such as guards, servents and Kaito, Kairi came and gave you the map of the palace. “There’s going to be your birthday’s celebration in four days Y/n.” You looked at her with confusion and she continued “Your father Seiji, celebrates your birthday every year. He organises a big festival and prays for you to come home. Adelina didnt told him about you staying here.” Your eyes started to water “Father... How is he?” Kairi shook her head “After your disappearance he was crashed and your mother’s death made him sick. He is too exhausted to rule and now Kaito is responsible.” You clenched your teeth, that bastard took everything from you. Your friends sensed your dark aura and Kirishima patted your back, you gave him a tiny smile. “So in this organisation Seiji calls dancers, chefs, performers and musicians all of you can wear costumes and get in easily.” You nodded and turned to Ryuu “Ryuu can you find someone to make us costumes?” He nodded and you turned to Arata “Arata, can you make me a light but sharp dagger?” When Bakugou saw the cold look in your eyes he interrupted “You dont need a dagger, everyone has strong quirks and combat skills.” You shook your head and gave your final answer “I’m going to need it.” 

-

The days passed quickly you were going to take your throne, tonight. Ryuu was busy with choosing the most strong dragons and gathering supplies and Arata was making weapons while Bakugou, you and Kiri worked on the strategy. The three of you were looking at the map of the palace. “The throne room is on the 4th floor. I need to go there, there is a big balcony and im sure that Kaito is going to watch the festival from that balcony my aunt says he never leaves the throne room.” Bakugou nodded and Kiri asked “What are we gonna do?” You started to explain “I want you to deal with the guards while Bakugou deals with Kaito’s right arm, Sir Yota.” Bakugou cracked his knuckles “Im gonna kill that little fly.” You sighed and continued “Be careful Bakugou, from what my aunt told me he has a similar quirk to yours.” He snorted “That doesnt change the fact that im going to tear him up to pieces!” You smiled to yourself, you thanked god for giving you such good friends they were in this with you and that gave you strength. You inhaled and gave them a sadistic smirk “Lets do this.”

-

“Okay we’re gonna left the dragons here.” You ordered “What are we gonna do now?” Kiri asked and Bakugou replied “Y/n’s aunt rented a carriage for us, we can easily get in without attracting too much attention, we’re gonna walk, its waiting for us on a stone bridge.” After walking for twenty minutes the three of you saw a regular carriage and the driver waited patiently before driving “Mrs.Kairi’s guests?” He asked and you replied “Yes.” When the carriage started to move you whispered “If we manage to capture Kaito and Yota, Bakugou will send a big explosion to alarm Arata and Ryuu and they will arrive with some swordsman to capture the soldiers that are working for Kaito.” Kiri nodded and gave you a big smile “We got this Y/n-chan!” You smiled back and looked at Bakugou, he was watching you. When your eyes met both of you averted your eyes. Things were different between you two, it wasnt bad or anything, there was just a weird aura between you two and both of you were trying to understand it. When you looked back he was watching the dirt road. You took your time to analyze his features, you understood why the girls was crazy for him. He was strong, captivating and handsome. You felt jelaous but it quickly disappeared bc you knew that you were the only girl who saw his soft and caring side, you guys grew up together and you saw all his stupid expressions and childish acts. A stupid kind of pride welled up inside of you. “Why are you looking at me ?” Bakugou’s voice interrupted your silly thoughts and you quickly shook your head “N-nothing!” Kiri caught a glimpse of the blush on your cheeks and he smiled to himself. Then the carriage abruptly stopped and you asked “Is something wrong?” The driver answered “No Miss, we are here.” Your stomach started to churn, you were so nervous. “Ok, thank you.” The three of you started to walk in the crowded streets, there were food stands, all kinds of shops and laughter. The people of the Marina Kingdom looked different from the Dragon clan’s you felt similar to the people of Marina, you didnt feel out of place. Bakugou saw the smile on your face and gave a sigh of relief. “Ok now we need to find the gates of the palace, where do we need to go Kiri?” You whispered and Kiri looked at the map “Just straight ahead.” You nodded and started to walk in a normal pace. The thought of your father made your heart beat in a crazy speed.” When you saw the big gates the three of you saw two muscular guards and they stopped you “Who are you?” You take a deep breath and replied “We are here for Mrs. Kairi.” He nodded and opened the gate “Wait here let me check.” You were so nervous that you tugged at Bakugou’s costume, he looked at you and sensed your anxiety, he let you grab onto him. “Ok, you can come in.” The guard came quickly and bowed. The three of you made your way towards the main hall and some servants welcomed you. The inside of the palace was empty, the streets were filled with happiness but the inside was cold and sad. You looked around and saw a young maid, you whispered “She looks easy.” Bakugou nodded and you made your way towards the maid. “Excuse me, can i use the bathroom?” The maid bowed immediately “Sure!” She guided you towards the right corridor and a big white door welcomed you. “This is the guest bathroom.” You smiled and bowed��“Thank you.” She gave a nervous smile and left. When you saw her form disappear, you quickly followed the corridor and saw big white stairs. You managed to reach the 2nd floor but then you heard a butler and a maid speak “How is Lord Seiji?” The maid asked and the butler sighed “He is exhausted, he is talking about princess Y/n again.” Your heart dropped *Lord Seiji?* They didnt called him king anymore... You waited for them to disappear and looked at the big door, your heart was pounding. You hands trembled and you pushed the door open, the room was dark and the only noise you hear was erratic breathing. There was a tired man, laying on the bed with closed eyes. He was skinny but you managed to see his features, he was your father, you knew it. He took a deep breath and spoke up “...Adelina?” Adelina, was your mother’s name. You stopped breathing and sat next to him. You played with his h/c locks and he gave a content sigh, you kissed his forehead and watched him lose consciousness, when you got up and closed the door his eyelids opened slightly “...Y/n?”

-

“I guess Y/n managed to find the stairs, we should split up too.” Eijiro nodded and made his way towards the soldiers “What up guys? Why dont you guys enjoy the festival?” The guards gave him a confused look and Bakugou slapped his forehead. Bakugou followed the same path as you and saw the massive stairs, he ran up the stairs and made it to the 4th floor. When he saw you with the dagger in your hand, his heart pace quickened. “Y/n!” He whispered and grabbed your wrist. You jumped and kicked his manhood “Fuck!” He crouched down and you gasped “Katsuki, you scared me!” He hissed and tried to stand up. “Im so sorry!” He sighed “What are you planning to do?” You saw the worry in his eyes “Um, im gonna take my throne back?” He clicked his tounge “You know what i meant, are you gonna kill him?” You looked at the dagger in your hand and sighed “Im just gonna use it if i need it.” He looked at you in the eyes and holded your hand that has the dagger in it “I believe in you.” Your eyes widened “That Yota bastard’s room is at the end of the hall, i’ll see you in a bit.” You nodded and turned to the door.

-

Kaito was watching the streets with a smile on his face, he was content with his work. While his brother was suffering in his bed, his son was ready to take the throne, just when he was about to turn around to call his butler, he felt something sharp in the back of his neck. “Dont you dare move or make a sound.” The voice was unfamiliar and cold. “”Hands up.” He raised his hands and tried to mask his anxiety “Who are you?” You laughed sadistically and answered “Your lovely niece.” He froze and turned pale, when he made a move to take a look at you “I said, dont move.” He felt the dagger press harder on his skin, he hissed “I knew that you were alive but i didnt thought that you would come back.” He dryly answered but actually he was scared to death. “I came here to take MY THRONE.” He laughed and tried to hit you but you quickly dodged it “Guards!” He shouted but no one came, his eyes widened and you smirked “Did you really thought that i would came here, just to get caught?” The guards were nowhere to be found so that meant that Kiri got them all. He was trying to figure out your quirk but since it was about intelligence he was clueless, you calculated his moves and dodged. Then he grabbed a sword and charged at you, you took his head and smashed it on the ground, he groaned in pain and you kicked the sword “Yota!” He screamed but no one came. You took that as a sign of Bakugou’s victory and laughed. Kirishima managed to knock off the guards and Yota was nowhere to be found “Tell me, where is my lovely cousin?” When he opened his mouth you cut him off “Oh i already know! He is out of the Kingdom for special training right? Well, too bad.” He groaned “H-how do you know that?” You snorted “Aunt Kairi helped me a lot about gathering information.” Kaito growled “That little-” You squeezed his neck and he wheezed “Dont you dare talk about my aunt like that.” Then both of you heard a loud explosion, that was the sign that Bakugou supposed to give to Arata and Ryuu. You smiled and hit Kaito’s head with the back of the dagger, he passed out and you tied him with the metal strings that Arata made. When you opened the door, you saw Bakugou waiting. When you saw him in one piece the tears you were holding started to fall, just when he was about to open his mouth you pulled him in a bone crushing hug “Katsu!” He didnt say anything and returned the hug, after waiting for you to calm down he spoke up “We made it, i told you that we were in this together.” You pulled back and your eyes meet, you cupped his cheek and his eyes widened, when you started to get closer his cheeks turned red and he didnt know what to do, he closed his eyes shut and waited for the kiss to happen but when he felt your forehead on his, he opened his eyes. Your e/c orbs were looking at his ruby ones. “Im so lucky to have you...” Your tears were still falling, he smiled and closed his eyes “Same.”

-

After the chaos, Arata and Ryuu came with a bunch of swordsman and captured all the guards, maids and butlers that were secretly working for Kaito, you quickly hugged all of your friends and thanked them for their help. Then you went to the throne room and looked at the crown that were standing in the glass bell. “Mom uncle, im home.” After shedding your last tears you ran towards your fathers room, it was so emotional, he fainted and thought that it was all a dream, then the servants gave him his medicine and told him to rest. The people of the kingdom and the servants in the palace were confused so Bakugou gave them a speech of the princess’ arrival and victory. Everyone cheered and thanked the dragon clan for their help. The leader soldier of the Marina Kingdom’s army bowed and showed his grattitude to Bakugou and Kirishima. Then Masaru and Mitsuki arrived, they were proud and happy but they knew that you were going to stay in the kingdom so when the evening came they had a hard time saying goodbye. When you hugged Arata and Ryuu it was time for Bakugou and Kirishima, Kirishima looked at you with big teary eyes and pulled you in a tight hug “Oh, Y/n...” You patted his back and wiped his tears “Dont be sad Eiji, i will come to visit.” He pouted and his tears continued to fall “But its not the same thing, i know that they need you here but... You are my best friend.” You giggled and pinched his cheeks “What about Bakugou?”You asked and he pouted “You know what i meant!” After ten minutes of hugging with Kiri, Katsuki was standing in front of you, you never saw him this quiet. He was looking at the ground like it was the most interesting thing in the world, instead of talking you took his hands and he immediately look up. “At my happiest and saddest times, at my weakest and strongest state you saw all of me... You are the only one who knows the true me.” His eyes trembled but he decided to stay silent and listen. “My first friend, rival, partner in crime, role model... You are my everything, Katsuki.” His heart was pounding in his ears, his cheeks were red like his beautiful eyes and his hands were trembling, he didnt wanted to say goodbye, he wanted to see you when he woke up and he wanted to see you before going to sleep, he wanted to see you training, see you laugh, see you joke around because these past fifteen years were the most precious years of his life. “Katsuki, when you become a leader, you’ll get married and rule the clan. I know i promised you, i promised to stay by your side but... I need to help my kingdom.” You bit your lip and shook your head “I-im so sorry for breaking my promise...” The tears started to fall again “Im such a crybaby today, huh?” You tried to laugh but it didnt sound like one. “At least you’ll have the woman that you love, she’ll be by your side but i cant because i need to stay here...” He clenched his teeth and grabbed your cheeks, your face was now sandwiched between his large hands “Stop saying illogical things!” He shouted and you looked at him with wide eyes “Im not gonna marry with a random woman, i already decided arent i?! I wanna rule with you, i want you by my side!” Your cheeks were hot, you didnt wanted to misunderstood the situation but he started to sound like he... loved you? “K-katsuki but how...? What are you trying to say?” He groaned, here goes nothing... “I never said it loudly but it doesnt mean that its not true! I... I love you, there i said it!” Your mouth was agape and he was red like a tomato, your mouth started to tremble “Y-y-you love me?!” If he was embarrassed he was more embarrassed than before “Are you deaf?!” You quickly shook your head and grapped his hands “No! I just...” You were frustrated, you were struggling to form an answer and his expression started to change, he started to think that he was going to get rejected, to gave him an answer, you cupped his cheeks and slammed your lips on his, it was awkward but meaningful and cute. You quickly pulled away and started to shout “Im so sorry, i love you too i didnt know what to-” Your words got cut off by his lips and it take you a while to realise that he was kissing you back. “Don be so loud woman.” He mumbled and held you by the waist, you saw a sincere smile on his lips and both of you looked at eachother with loving eyes...

-

Four Years Later

“Is my carriage ready?” You asked while trying to get ready “Yes, your highness.” Your maid replied with a smile on her face, you grinned back “Where is my father?” the maid looked at you and answered “He is having tea in the garden, your highness.” You hummed and quickly got out of your room. Everything was perfect, all of the servents greeted you with sincere smiles and when you made it to the garden, you saw your father smelling the roses that you ordered. “Did you like the white roses that i ordered, your majesty?” Your father quickly turned around and gave you a strong hug, he was getting stronger and stronger. He smiled and nodded “They are beautiful, honey.” You smiled “Im gonna visit the Dragon Kingdom, do you want me to deliver a message for father Masaru?” He laughed and nodded “Tell him that i missed beating him at chess.” You laughed and gave him a peck on the cheek. “See you later, father!” Bakugou was the new leader and the old dragon clan was now a big kingdom. He was a strong and fair leader but in the inside he was your softie, you wanted to see him so badly and gave him a lot of kisses.

-

“No! I told you to bring the white roses!” The servants bowed and rushed to change the pink roses with white ones. When Katsuki invited you to discuss some matters, he got nervous and wanted everything to be perfect so now he was ordering the servants around. “Are the desserts ready?” The servants bowed and answered “Yes my lord, we prepared all the desserts that Lady Y/n likes!” He nodded “Good.” He nodded and tried to slow down his racing heart. Now you were a grown woman, you were strong, alluring, intelligent, beautiful, elegant, charming, captivating, you were perfec- “My lord, do you want me to prepare the lavender tea?” He growled and shouted “ARE YOU DEAF? IM TELLING YOU TO PREPARE WHATEVER Y/N LIKES THE MOST!” The servant bowed while muttering apologies and dashed towards the kitchen. Katsuki pinched the bridge of his nose and waited for your arrival.

-

When your carriage arrived the servants bowed but you gave them all a friendly smile “Katsuuu!” You shouted and ran towards the garden, he was watching the small lake, when he heard your beautiful voice, his heart skipped a beat but his expression was the same, he was good at hiding his excitement. You jumped on him and wrapped your arms around his torso “You tryna kill me, shitty woman?” You gasped dramatically and he snorted “You are hurting my feelings Katsu!” He rolled his eyes but the small tinge of pink was still visible on his cheeks. After joking around both of you sat down and discussed about economic stuff, he watched you carefully, your serious expression or the confused one, everything about you was beautiful, he wanted to see you everyday, by his side. Thats why he was going to ask you the ‘big’ question today. After the boring discussions he took a deep breath and started “I want my kingdom to become the strongest one in this century.” You decided to tease him “Too bad because mine is stronger than yours.” You waited for a comeback but it never came “You’re right... Thats why i want our kingdoms to become one.” Your eyes widened and when you see the smirk on his face your face heated up “B-but the only way is...” He cut you off and completed the sentence “Marriage between the royal families.” You choked on your spit and he snapped his fingers, a servant came with some papers in his hands and handed them to Katsuki, slammed the documents on the table, they were about your marriage... With him. When your eyes met with his, he had a victorious smirk on his face “What do you say, annoying woman?” Your lips trembled and you attacked him with a bone crushing hug “Katsuki!!!” When he heard your sobs, he snorted but hugged you with full force. When you calmed down he looked at you in the eyes “Now we can rule the world together, side by side...” Then you sealed the promise with a heated kiss...

-The End-

A/N: Im sure Kirishima would be like “SGDJASGDHJS” at their wedding

[nagitolovebug]

How did komahina co-parent at first? How was hajimes reaction to the twins? Did bebi like getting siblings

komahina's co-parenting at first was...definitely an Ordeal. not even because of bebi, but bc komahina is a mess. originally hajime was very insecure about his role in bebi's life, as he had very clearly asserted himself as a separate person from izuru and that he was going to live as hajime and not someone else- so wouldn't that make bebi Not his kid? sure, they're his genetically, but in theory.... that was the dilemma he dealt with. he'd already grown attached to them when he was caring for them while nagito was still in a coma and worries now that nagito has woken up, his job is done, and that nagito won't want him around bebi anymore. in turn, nagito is worried that bc hajime is asserting himself as separate from izuru that he doesn't see bebi as his kid and will not be interested in raising them, that bebi will lose their father and nagito will lose his once-husband (lurking somewhere in hajime's subconscious...) turned best friend. they live together right off the bat, sleeping in the same bed (bebi likes to be held by the 2 of them to fall asleep...but even when bebi sleeps in their own bed they didn't think to get separate bedrooms or anything...) and end up becoming very.....affectionate with one another despite their claims that they're purely platonic. they "platonically" hold hands, cuddle, kiss, kiss, and more...intimate things in the cover of night ;) nagito's convinced hajime is just "using him for stress relief" and he's only truly staying bc he'd feel guilty leaving bebi. hajime thinks they're together. this miscommunication is not truly cleared up until hajime proposes. other than that, they both love bebi very very much and spend all their time with bebi, doting on them, playing with them, caring for them.

as for hajime's reaction to the twins- that in itself was also an Ordeal! when nagito found out he was pregnant again, bebi was very sick and in the hospital, which was very hard on nagito as he blamed himself. and he had resigned himself to leaving bebi and hajime, thinking they'd be safer without him in their lives. hajime was an adult who was fully informed of the danger of nagito's luck and had izuru's luck to protect him ! but bebi couldn't consent to that. he did not want to risk hurting his child in any capacity. so he resigned himself to leaving...but the news of pregnancy only devastated him further. to think he'd ruin not only bebi and hajime's lives but the life of another baby (not knowing it was twins lol)....it was too much for him. the plan was to leave the island, suffer through the pregnancy by himself, and come back after the birth to drop their new baby off before disappearing forever.

trans male pregnancy under the cut

bc nagito's carrying twins, the toll on his body during this pregnancy is far worse than it was during despair. he becomes very weak and sickly, especially with the added stress and despair of trying to leave his 'best friend' and kid, his kid being in the hospital,,, he hasn't been taking care of himself. the night bebi returns from the hospital (fully recovered! ...but having finally fully lost their vision in their right eye), hajime catches nagito trying to leave. he'd collapsed on his way out, having gotten incredibly dizzy. he'd left nothing but a note on the nightstand reading, "Be back soon." hajime wakes up to an empty bed and almost (almost) panics, steadies his breaths to the small snores of a sleeping baby in a nearby crib. he finds nagito half unconscious on the beach slumped on a duffel bag. "nagito??? nagito???? nagito!!! oh, thank god" "h...inata-kun?" "yea, it's me, come on, let's get you-" and nagitos eyes clear up and he shoves hajime away. "nagito-?" "stay away from me!" "nagito, you're not in your right mind, let's go back to the cabin-" "...how did you find me." "well, I found your note, which scared me shitless- I had no idea where you were or what had happened to you and frankly, I'm pretty pissed about that, but that can wait until I know you're safe-" "I'm so sorry, hinata-kun, I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry, hinata-kun, hinata-kun, hinata-kun-" "jeez, I said you can call me hajime... it's alright, relax, i'm not really mad. I was just worried." "you don't understand, you have to get away from me now-" "what are you even doing out here. what's with the bag" "hinata-kun." "....where were you going" "I hadn't decided yet" "why" "I-" "just bc you're in remission, you think you can just do whatever you want? what if something happened to you? goddamn it, you're not bullet proof, nagito! I know you're working on it, I know you're trying, but fuck you're so goddamn selfish! people care about you! I care about you! why can't you just understand that!" "i won't let myself hurt you!" "you're hurting me now!" "this will ruin your life, i will ruin your life-" "im your fucking....best friend, just tell me what's wrong, i can help you-" "nobody can help me, it's too late for me..." "goddamn it, nagito, please-!" and nagitos voice breaks when he whispers. "...i'm pregnant" ".......what" and nagito breaks into a quiet sob "I'm pregnant, hajime, and no one else on this island would dare defile themselves with me the way you have..." "are you serious?" "please don't make me say it again" and maybe if nagito weren't lost in a spiral of self deprecation and if his eyes weren't swimming with tears, he would've seen the nervous smile that broke out on hajime's face, the joy in his voice. "nagito, that's-!" "horrible? disgusting? i know I'm an abomination, hajime, maybe if my pathetic body functioned the way it was meant to-" "don't say that. don't you ever say that" "please just leave..." "you...you were pregnant with our kid and you were gonna leave??? what if you relapsed? what if you needed me?" hajime grabbed his face and forced nagito to look at him. "why are you doing this?" nagito laughed breathlessly, hysterically. "don't worry, hinata-kun, i would have brought them back! i simply didnt want to force you through the despair of having someone as putrid as me being pregnant, knowing that you've procreated with the lowest scum of the earth....surely it would ruin you. besides, i could never take your child from their father. nor would i subject them to my luck...will you let me go now, knowing your child will be alright" "they're your kid too" "for the sake of their sanity I'd rather keep that to myself" hajime steeled his expression, then grabbed Nagito's wrist. "we're going back to the cabin. we'll talk more in the morning." "Hinata-kun, let go of me." "nagito, let's go." "hinata, let go" "I'm not leaving you out here" nagito starts tearing up again and scratching frantically at his own skin. "please" "we're leaving." and hajime picks nagito up (he was

probably still too dizzy to walk anyway). but nagito starts screaming and thrashing and crying and weakly hitting hajime. "LET ME GO, LET ME GO, LET ME GO, IM GONNA HURT YOU, IM GONNA KILL YOU, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE-" and hajime starts silently crying too but he just holds on tighter and keeps walking. i think they get to the cabin and hajime sets him down on the bed and nagito starts punching hajimes chest (not hard) but hajime just grabs his wrists and holds them tight as nagito struggles and cries softly. "i ruined your life..me and this broken body of mine." "i...love you. you're not broken. I'm not leaving and neither are you." "i hate you..." "you're the best thing that ever happened to me." "I'll kill you..." "you won't." "why won't you just leave.." "why won't you stay." "..." "lets go to bed. we'll see mikan in the morning. get some rest." nagito is still scratching at his skin when hajime pulls him against his chest and forces nagito to lay down with him. "i love you" "im scared..." "i know" "im so sorry.." "i know. it's ok" "it's not" "as long as you're still with me, it is." "you're too kind to me.." "i love you." "how many times are you going to say that." "as many times as it takes for you to believe it." and the conversation pitters off as nagito silently sobs into hajime's chest until he passes out while Hajime rubs small circles into his back and presses kisses to his head. nagito wakes up with his eyes swollen face still tucked into Hajime's chest and he knows hajime's awake bc he can feel his chest vibrating with light hums and soft strokes to his hair. nagito looks up and licks his lips, eyes watering again when he sees hajime's patient gaze, his eyes crinkling in a worried smile, extenuating the eyebags and evident exhaustion. "hinata-kun, i'm so s-" "shhh. none of that. we're seeing mikan in a bit, i already called her. i'm sorry for not noticing what was going on. it must have been so hard dealing with this alone.." "you shouldn't have to deal with it.." "i want to. i love you. we're in this together. for as long as you'll have me. it's hard, it's really hard sometimes, because i hate seeing you like this..it makes me feel so helpless it reminds me of-- the. program. but it's worth it. for you, it's always worth it." "hinata..." "keep resting. don't strain yourself too much." "i love you...i love you..i love you ..." "i know." going to see mikan and mikan warns them that Yes nagito is in fact pregnant and the fact that he's just come off of chemo and is still in remission is gonna make the pregnancy tough on him physically and that he's gonna get about as sick as he was before but promises it's temporary and that she guarantees he'll see the baby to full term ("link that's medically incorrect" idc link does what he wants Hajime has a dude put in his head via lobotomy science is a liar sometimes) and hajime holds nagito's hand the entire time and presses a kiss to his cheek when he cries a little when mikan says the baby will be healthy and ok and survive and nagito turns to him and gives him a watery smile before laughing and crying joyously a little more and thats when hajime knows they'll be ok. they do talk more abt this whole thing, nagito's motives, bebi,,,,but that's like a 1k fic and this post is alr long enough 😅maybe i'll polish it and make it a fic. long story short, hajime's personally extremely happy that nagito's pregnant, but his worry over nagito's health as a whole, physical and mental kinda trumped that but past that- it's nothing but excitement! (they did not know they were having twins...so excitement and a surprise!) as for bebi, they were very happy to be getting a sibling! they love mimicking everyone they see by talking to their papa's tummy, touching it, generally babbling to komahina how they're gonna share their toys with the baby, will the baby play with them, can they share a room? they always want more love in their life !

[whats-a-jarjar]

ACOTAR SHIPS

okay i don’t know if anyone will see this... probably not but i wanted to get it out and state my thoughts. these are just my opinions so please don’t be mad if you disagree with me! obviously we don’t know everything so most of it is up in the air clearly. but here we go...

⚠️Acosf spoilers obviously 🤪⚠️

OK obviously this is about Elain Gwyn and lucien and azriel and you know that whole discussion.

so let’s start with Elain. OK I liked Elain a lot in the first couple books and I actually did like Elriel. I shipped them pretty hard. but after reading a court of silver flames and the Azriel POV bonus chapter my thoughts have changed.

I don’t think Elain and Azriel are meant to be together anymore. I just don’t think they love each other.  I think they like each other and are infatuated with each other but most of all I think they like what the other one represents. 

for Azriel I think he struggles a lot with his self acceptance and belonging. like in the Azriel chapter I think that became clear when he was talking about how he was jealous of Cassian and rhys. all his life he’s been an outsider, with his brothers and his family and with the people of the night court like the citizens, and even in the inner circle. I don’t think the inner circle sees him as an outsider nor do the readers but I think honestly Azriel sees himself as an outsider even with the inner circle. as well as the fact that he’s never really accepted himself and accepted the things he’s been through over the past 500 years. he still struggles with who he is, what his shadows mean, and with love especially. I think for him to see his brothers end up with two of the archeron sisters, he already feels like an outsider and that made him feel even more so. I think he is hopeful that Elain could be his mate or that the cauldron was wrong because he desperately wants to feel that love and feel that belonging plus it doesn’t help that now Cassian and rhys are like actual brothers by law. for Azriel I think Elain represents that belonging and how they can all be one big happy family(in his mind bc to us they already are). and that’s what he so desperately wants and loves. Because in the Azriel chapter when he was talking about Elain or thinking about her he didn’t really seem to talk about her personally or her personality but rather sexual attraction and then what she represents (to Rhys). and along with the conversation with rhys I don’t think azriel believes he has a claim on elain or that he deserves her I just think he really wants to fit in. and although Azriel was looking at her gift of like the powder every night before bed Which don’t get me wrong is pretty cute I still think he’s doing that out of his need for love and belonging rather than love for Elain. 

now Elain. OK for her I’m not sure if she likes Azriel. I think she does but I don’t know if she loves him either. I think she also likes what he represents. For her Azriel is her own choice and her rebellion. Since going into the cauldron she’s lost all of that: her humanity her choice her control. I think she wants to be with Azriel because she can control it. I mean I think she is sexually attracted to azriel as he is to her but I don’t think there’s any love.

as for Elain and Lucien because it ties in as well, whether they end up together or not I think they could be good for each other. i saw this in another post but I think Elain connects lucien to her trauma with the cauldron. Especially with her lack of choice and control because the cauldron took away her humanity, it took away her life, her friends, all that she had in the human world and then right when she came out Lucien was like im your mate which  immediately took away her choice in relationships and her control with love. I want Elain to give Lucien a chance whether that’s romantically or just getting to know him because I think that could help her with her trauma and you know if she wants to reject mating bond for whatever reason I hope that she at least tries to get to know Lucien. but I also think elain‘s being a little cold to Lucien because he was just thrown in it the same way she was. He thought he found his mate already in jesminda and then Elain shows up and is his mate and he’s almost as opposed to the idea as she is. I just want her to give him a chance because I think he could help her overcome her trauma and he can be open to love again since i think he’s fearful of it negates of jesminda. I just think the pairing could be cool for both of them.🤷🏼‍♀️

okay here’s why i don’t think elriel are a good pairing (aside from love). OK Elain represents flowers light bright colors life. Azriel represents shadows dark colors the night death. they’re opposites. And while i’m all here for a forbidden love opposites attract story, I just don’t think it works with them. for instance azriels shadows disappear around Elain. While I thought that was cute at first and I was like “aww she’s the light in his life“ looking back now i think they shouldn’t disappear around his “person”. azriels shadows are a part of him and although obviously he didn’t want to go through what he went through and no one should have to, they still remain an extension of who he is. if he were to end up with elain he’d have to change who he is. he wouldn’t be able to be the spy master or the shadow singer or the introvert with the dark past which we all know and love as Azriel. I don’t think elain can be with that type of person either. Despite hearing about her getting her hands dirty referring to gardening I don’t think she can be with someone like Azriel who is a torturer and could be seen as merciless. (which is one of my favorite things about him which is slightly concerning for me but anyways...) Azriel would just have to change who he is to be with elain for his sake and for hers... which is really toxic so… as well it was mentioned by Cassian and Nesta that Elain looks terrible in black. Well they said she looked pretty but that it just didn’t suit her and like was pulling the life out of her. And nesta mentioned she’d be happy in the spring court as she likes gardening, she thrives on light and life. so I don’t think the night court is for her as well as azriel isn’t for her as he represents the dark and literally black and the night court. 

now i think it would be cool if she did end up with lucien and he either became the high Lord of the Springcourt or the day court (which I’m still really pissed that we’ve been through a whole other book without anyone telling Lucien helion is his father like hello he’s an important character... rude). it would just allow her to thrive as,in my option, we haven’t really seen her do so far. [Plus I think a possibility of an evil elain would be so cool. I don’t think she would actually go against her family with evil intentions, but if she made a bargain of some sort and ended up being an antagonist but not a villain I wouldn’t hate it. At the moment she’s a little boring, but then again we don’t really know her personality so I’m open to an awesome character arc]

OK now it’s Gwynriel time!! OK not to start any fights, but I’m not gonna lie, the few interactions we’ve had between Gwyn and Azriel has started a whole feud because it has so much more chemistry compared to the few Azriel and elain moments we’ve had over almost four whole books. but gwynriel. ok no matter who you ship, I think we can all agree that we love gwyn and gwyn is a great character.  Plus I think she’s perfect for az. now I know a lot of people don’t like the proof about azriels shadows, but I actually think that’s really important. like I mentioned earlier, azriels shadows are a part of who he is and extension of him.  now clearly they like Gwyn, they are the president of the Gwynriel fan club, and they ship them hard.  they interact a lot with her a lot. Now I think because of this Gwyn and however azriel will cope in his book will allow him to embrace his shadows and except himself. this is really important to his character in my opinion. I think, and I’m not sure how to be honest, but his shadows liking Gwyn and Gwyn seeking comfort in the dark ( which probably means she likes his shadows) will allow Azriel to see his shadows and his scars and his past as not some thing that will bring him down but rather something almost to be proud of since he went through so much. I think once Azriel learns to accept himself and all parts of him, he will better be able to see that his family accepts him, because no one is really able to see that they’re accepted unless they accept themselves. and I think he would finally feel that he belongs somewhere which is such a good story to me and I don’t know if that’s just because I personally connect or I just want Azriel to be happy with himself and his life and whoever is in it but I think that sounds awesome☺️

so there’s a lot of possibilities about what will happen in the next book which we still don’t even know who’s point of view it is because apparently it’s so “obvious” but actually sarah it’s not so please tell us!! I do think in Elains book her trial, whatever that may be, is going to happen at the prison because feyres happened under the mountain and nestas happened on ramiel and there’s an extra mountain and an extra sister so I feel like that could definitely be a thing that happens but who knows?? I don’t know but these are just my thoughts and I missing points obviously I’m not perfect spoiler alert, but yeah. 

if anyone has any opinions let me know!! I love discussing things especially books!

okay thanks for coming to my TED talk 🙂