#im like that poem about a girl who attempted suicide and all she wanted was a peach so her dad drove across state lines to find peaches

[br1ghtestlight]

have the canada post people who have been holding my webkinz plushie hostage in ontario for five (5) days without any updates considered that im a dying child dying of a very horrible disease and that webkinz plushie is the only thing in the entire world that could make me feel better. and theyre KEEPING it from me???

[elfdyke]

wow thanks! that was a really in depth post about it you make good points! when I played I definitely got the sense that monika had encouraged sayori to kill herself and I didn’t get the sense of any remorse when natsuki or yuri died or got fucked up but I guess u do make some good points there about how she was just trying to make them less desirable rather than kill them. I’m new to the game and the fandom so im not super familiar with everything yet but is there anything in the canon or lore that points away from monika having pushed sayori to commit suicide or is it mostly just fan theories and personal readings? either way thank u so much for answering!

yes i can absolutely find you some info on that!

there's quite a bit of information hidden within the games files, so I'm kind of assuming if you're new to the game, that you might not have seen these things? so ill dive into them too!

I'm gona do this under the cut so i can like, dissect things from the game !

(also i found stuff thats specifically pointing away from her meaning actual harm/death for Both yuri and sayori, jsyk)

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.txt (discovered in game files during act 2)

“All I want is for you to hate them. Why is that so hard.”

not, all i want for them is to die. she doesnt want to kill them. she wants to separate us from them so we are with Her, not them. things spiral out of control, but it was never her intention for things to get this bad. ntm its repeated over and over in this game how badly monika wants to die. she's hanging on by a thread, keeping on only because she wants to be with us, to be in contact with reality. this leads to really unfortunate circumstances but i really strongly believe everything in the text alludes to the fact she did Not want things to get this bad

ACT 3 INTRO:

(im copy pasting a transcript of the monologue here, but this is taken from the very beginning of act 3, which you can see in this video starting at 25:56)

imo this is all the proof needed to show that she really had no intention of ‘killing’ sayori and yuri. things spiraled out of control far beyond what she was capable of handling. 

her goals with making sayori more depressed and yuri more obsessive were, in here words “to just try to make them as unlikable as possible”. she didnt want her friends to brutally die!! she loved them q_q i feel like a lot of people really dont look at this specific part of what she says and take it to heart. its very telling for her character and important for understanding what she does and why she does it

ACT 3 MONOLOGUES:

sayori's hanging (cw: graphic descriptions of suicide)

dialogue of importance:

"I was thinking about Sayori earlier... I still wish I could have handled that whole thing a little more tactfully."

+

"Come to think of it, it was probably less 'changing her mind' and more just her survival instincts kicking in." "So you can't really fault her for that." "It's easier to think that she probably wouldn't have changed her mind anyway, right?" "It's not healthy to think about the things you could have done differently." "So just remember that even though you could have saved her, it's technically not your fault she killed herself." "I may have exacerbated it a little bit, but Sayori was already mentally ill." "Still, though..." "I wonder how things would be if you and I just started dating from the get-go?" "I guess we'd all still be in the clubroom, writing poems and having fun together." "But what's the point when none of it is even real?" "I mean, it's the same ending either way, right?"

ok so whats important here, is monika is essentially using us, the player, as a mirror in act 3? the things she says i believe, very strongly show her sense of uncertainty in her actions, and her fears of what if she could have done something else??

"even though you could have saved her, its technically not your fault she killed herself" reads SO much to me like shes trying to comfort herself with this, she doesnt want it to be her fault. nothings real, sayori's a character in a game. but she wishes so badly they could have just been normal girls living together.

happy end poem

OK SO LIKE. this is actual proof of Why she does everything she does. she's scared if she reaches out and tells us she's trapped in a game, we'll stop playing, we'll kill her. she tinkers with the game, trying to make herself look the best, trying to make us choose her, and nothing works. and this leads to her becoming frustrated and scared, and screwing with the game more and more desperately trying to do anything to save herself.

if you recall, in act 2, she gives you a poem which bluescreen the computer. this was actually an attempt she makes to escape the game q_q she never wanted to kill yuri, she never wanted things to escalate like that. she wanted to get out but she had no idea how to program her way out of the game, resulting in everything crumbling around her, and her friends dying.

my own route

hang on this one genuinely makes me so upset.

it very much relates back to how in the conversation about sayori's suicide, she's still clearly thinking about how things could be Different. shes thinking about how they could be normal. "I may not have needed to take such drastic measures to be with you. Maybe the rest of the club would still be around..." , and then immediately trying to convince herself it doesnt matter, and that she doesnt care.

its so so obvious shes hurting and she misses her friends. the additional "i really dont (miss them)" at the end really shows that shes desperately trying to convince herself that it was worth it, that she did everything she should have, and her friends dont matter. but they clearly do matter to her. she loved them (she couldnt even delete them if u recall)

also another important part about this monologue, a lot of people say she killed the other girls out of jealousy, but this shows thats not true??

"I think I would end up forcing you onto my route anyway." "It has less to do with me not having a route, and more to do with me knowing that nothing is real."

this wasnt because shes 'in love' with us. she wanted to be close to something real, something tangible. she's clinging onto us, the player character, like someone lost at sea with a piece of driftwood, doing everything she can to stay afloat

wine

ok this isnt on the surface level as important as the other ones, but literally look at how she talks about this memory.. she misses them so much and talking about this memory she clearly cherishes brings her so much joy. she doesnt belittle any of them, she doesnt talk down on them, she’s just reliving this memory because it makes her happy 

I HOPE THIS HELPS?? im sure theres a few more things im forgetting, but i did my best to scrabble up everything i could to show how monika’s not an evil mastermind, shes a scared girl who didnt realize what she was doing and when things got too bad, she did her best to fix it, only for it to get worse n worse

edit: oh heres the proof that monika always loved the girls and never actually deleted them

:’)

edit 2: haha.. um ouch

“It’s not right for me to miss things that weren’t even real in the first place.” shes forcing herself to try and ignore her feelings for the other girls

[warstrike]

after reading punisher: the tyger, i’ve decided to modernize it a bit and make it into netflix frank’s backstory as well. i don’t agree with the implication of frank being a troubled kid / showing signs of violent behavior previously. the tyger poem is also essential to this characterization of the punisher, which i feel can apply to mcu frank, as well. under the cut is the tweaked story and his life as a child, influences into adulthood. in another post, i’ll explain the importance of the poem the tyger by william blake. it’s VERY lengthy im so sorry and more or less a synopsis of the comic shit.  fair warning this mentions heavy topics. ill tag it if you’d like, i don’t go into detail, but it is implied.

his grandfather was involved in world world ii in the marines and later his father  (  in place of frank, since frank is placed in the marines within the series ) was a vietnam vet. he was with louisa before he was drafted, and later married her following the end of the vietnam war. frank was born november 15th, 1980 and raised by both mario and louisa castiglione in queens.

growing up, frank had always had military influences in his life from both his father and his grandfather. his father didn’t talk about the war as much as his grandfather while he was alive, but as frank grew up, he learned to listen and discover things himself without asking. he knew where his father kept his medals, his old journal, the key to the box he kept it all in: he stood aside and listened.  young frank kept to himself and was lost in his thoughts or imagination, which later prompted his interest in the poetry his mom kept around. the pictures depicted by words and worlds painted by the moods made a mental playground for him, it was anESCAPE for young frank. it gave him insight into a world full of color and mirth, something he was starting to realize the world around him lacked.

yet, his quietness didn’t equate to him being a pushover. most kids knew not to pick on frank, because despite his size he wasn’t afraid to fight back to defend himself or anyone being bullied. there was a protective streak to him towards kids who couldn’t protect themselves and he wanted to help, even when he always couldn’t.

ONTO EVENTS IN HIS CHILDHOOD THAT INFLUENCE HIS ACTIONS LATER IN LIFE …

when he was 10, he witnessed a man on fire after lighting a cigarette around paint fumes and spilling paint thinner on himself. this was while he was bringing his father lunch to the construction yard. a young frank watched the man burn, face blank and conflicted with what he was watching. still, he never looked away. later he soon listened to his parents recall the event that happened. his mother sympathetic, his father colder towards the man’s death and in general considering it not to be as big of a tragedy.

frank takes a class during the summer centered around the review of poetry and constructive meanings of it, overseen by father david. he attends it with a friend a few years older than him named lauren buvoli. lauren is as entranced, if not more, than frank is as a kid. he takes interest in her brother sal, a marine, and sometimes talks with him and asks questions related to his service ( this further installs his interest in the military as a child ). lauren and frank were close, close enough to where the events that steamroll into her life rocks his, too.

after a class with father david, frank and lauren walk home, holding a loose conversation about the poem the tyger ( which i’ll later get into ). during this walk home, lauren sees her friend sue, but how she sees her is a tragedy in itself. sue is in the middle of the road and the two see her hit and killed by the driver. suicide was a scarce topic back then, so many would dub it as an ‘accident’.

as it turns out, sue had been ‘involved’ with vincent rosa, the youngest son in one of the well-beloved and feared families in that part of queens. nobody ever talked bad about the rosas, at least not where somebody connected could potentially HEAR. there were darker things to discover about vincent rosa, and discover frank did. after listening to his parents talk about vincent and another girl, kate donegan, he went to talk to her brother and found out that vincent had been forcing himself on the girls he was with. sue, kate, and lauren, as it was later implied.

frank hadn’t seen lauren for days, she was always gone from home when he would go over to see her.  a week went by, and he saw her in father david’s class,  but she bailed at a moment’s notice. ran to the bus, homeward bound and frank ran after her, but missed the bus. it didn’t stop him, however, frank made his way to lauren’s house, but it was too late. her mom screamed from the back for her father, lauren had taken her life. all because of the rosa kid, and frank couldn’t do a damn thing. what’s a ten year old suppose to do, anyway, besides sit by and watch?  it created a deep seated sense ofhelplessness, something he hated.

frank listened to how his mother reacted to the news about lauren towards his father, how she described the fear of men taking advantage of women. in that same conversation, he heard his father say he went with friends and sue’s father to go after albert rosa, vincent’s father, to confront them about his son’s actions. they were scared off, however, due to albert having threatened and his followers around him physically harm sue’s father as a warning to them. this prompted frank to attempt to go after vincent himself. he took the knowledge of the lockbox key and took his father’s gun and went to find vincent. when he got to vincent’s usual hangout and followed him out, he was too late. sal, lauren’s brother, had already decided he was going to take him out.

sal beat vincent and dragged his body to the cemetery to a hole he’d dug, tossed him in and lit him on fire. all the while a young frank castle watched and wrapped his head around the idea of hate.

TO CONCLUDE …  to me, this story compacts more motivation for frank as an adult to do what he does. seeing such trauma as a child, hearing fear and seeing hate as a child sticks with you as you’re growing up. frank couldn’t do anything then. he couldn’t help lauren buvoli. he couldn’t say anything to make her feel better, he couldn’t DO anything to help her and stop her from doing what she did, he couldn’t avenge her. even if he had gotten to vincent first, the idea of a ten year old holding his own against a boy in his late teens is unreasonable. sal was a motivation for him, he showed a young frank castle what it was like to hate someone that much and make them pay. he didn’t understand that until he was older, until he lost his family and felt the trauma of loss and helplessness seep in again when he survived. this is how he adopted a maladaptive manner of dealing with grief and trauma. frank castle now can DO SOMETHING, he can feel a pang of retribution with each of the lives he takes. frank castle is the punisher. the tyger that damns people for the crimes they commit and the innocent lives they’ve shattered. he’s seen the dark parts of the world since he was a kid and has come to terms that the only way to stop it is to be the monster to the monsters.

[softstcrs]

Twdg - Violet - Dating Hc‘s

» WHERE TO START? Violet was as always distant at first.

» She didn‘t know you, you could be dangerous so she kept her distance of course.

» When she got to know you, her hard shell got cracked each day.

» you warmed up to each other and eventually became friends.

» You knew about her past and about Minerva, which is why you never asked her to tell you. You waited for her to speak up.

» she‘s not an easy girl we all know that. But she‘s incredibly LOYAL.

» if anyone would insult you she‘d immediately step up for you.

» She wouldn‘t grow romantical feelings until she‘d get to know you more so give her some time.

» She‘s not very affectionate in public you better might control yourself, but when you‘re in private she‘d try to make small attempts. But she won‘t refuse you if you initiate a kiss or hand holding.

» "i always wanted to try something.. have you danced before?" As said she‘s a little weird since she‘s not used to dating anyone (besides minnie)

» "No but i‘d love to." She‘d awkwardly take your hand laying her arms around your shoulders.

» She sometimes steps on your feet be gentle with her. "Im so sorry y/n.." she shamefully whispers. Reassure her.

» To me she‘d be the kind of person that kicks your ass first but Gets Gentle with you afterwards. "You could‘ve easily killed that walker why did you hesitate?" If you‘re a little emotional or easily hurt she‘d apologize a few moments later. "Im just.. im sorry.." if you‘re not mad at her, she‘d hug you. If you are, she‘ll give you some space.

» she likes someone who takes risks. Like not SUICIDAL risks but someone who‘ll give it their all if needed.

» Violet loves reading poems. She might not seem like it but she‘s a very passionate girl. You write some? She‘ll secretly read em. If you want her opinion she‘d Give you her honest impression.

» most of your "dates" if you can call them dates, end up on the lookout, watching the stars. She loves astronomy so she‘ll try to have you enjoy it as much.

» if you‘re longer together , she‘ll get more comfortable in public but keeping it lowkey. Louis could tease her about you.

» If it‘s a Special date or event she‘d make you something related to the stars. Probably a Button or keychain (something you could attach on your weapon or clothes)

» she‘s always going to support you no matter what.

»if you‘d had a fight (which could actually happen quite often) she‘ll go to her favorite place aka the lookout to cool off. She knows that you‘ll need time as well and waits either for evening ir the next day to apologize.

»but EVERYBODY would know since she‘d be really moody. She hates fighting with you but she loves you unconditionally.

» you‘re in danger? Make room for "Violet the Fearless" she‘d do ANYTHING for you. If i say anything i mean anything. You both are one badass duo.

» She‘d sing for you and only you when you feel sad or enraged to calm your nerves.

» if you both sleep in one room, she‘d be the one to be spooned. Violet sometimes cries in her sleep, calm her by hugging her from behind. "y/n? Is that you?" "Yes, Vi. Im here." She turns around to cuddle into you.

» When she‘s mad, only you calm her down. "Why don‘t we get some fresh air? Away from here?" You lead her either to your room, lookout or just a few inches away from where the sitaution got heated. "Thanks.. for y‘know.." you nod and she knows.

» All in all, Violet is a trustworthy and loyal Partner. When she loves, She truly loves.

Requests Open hope u enjoyed !

Gif: Found on pinterest

[big-homo-23-blog]

My story

Hi, so I am Chase. I have dealt with many things in life and I have decided to share my story. (TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of self harm and suicide)

2015/2016- 7th grade, I don't have many friends. I’ve begun to wear things that aren’t me. I’ve always been a “tomboy.” My hair was always tied up, I wore nothing but ratty t-shirts and basketball shorts... but not anymore. I’m now straightening my hair, wearing fancy clothes to school, even putting on makeup. I’ve never felt less myself. But this is how girls get the boys to like them, right? I did want the boys attention... right? (Spoiler alert, no). So, as the year went on  I became less authentic and still didn’t have friends. This is when the sadness came. The end of the year rolls around and suddenly I’m overcome with such depression I can’t function properly. I don’t have any friends to ask for help so I confide in my teacher, trusting her to keep my secret. I stop eating, get more sad. eventually, worse gets to worse and the self-harm begins. I don’t directly tell my teacher, I drop hints, but she catches on. She tells my parents and I am faced for the first time, but not the last, of having to deal with the ignorance of my mother.

2016/2017- The summer leading into 8th was not a pleasant one. self harm continued and the sad feelings only got worse. Suicidal thoughts crept into my head but I hastily pushed them away... I wasn’t THAT sad, right? My parents thought I was “better,” whatever that means, I hadn’t told them that I was still hurting myself or that the thoughts were getting worse. School finally starts up and I give up on trying to “fit in” This is when things get dark. No, literally, the amount of eyeliner made me look like a fucking racoon. Welcome to the Black Parade-- I mean Welcome to the Emo Phase. The clothes got darker, the eyeliner got heavier, and the music got louder. Here I was, blaring Panic! at the Disco songs in my headphones and miserably walking down the packed hallways. At least with all this scary makeup people stayed out of my way.  The year begins with me still having zero friends but I was determined to change that. First day of school I stand on my desk and perform a poem I wrote in front of the entire class (Spoiler #2, I join theatre) Now that i’m slightly out of my shell and people know I wont stab them with an eyeliner pencil I start to gain more friends. However, this doesn't make the sadness go away. I still am faced with constant existential fear and not feeling any more authentic than I did last year. I knew why but dear lord I was afraid to tell people... Oh what the hell, I have nothing to lose. A 12 inch haircut later and boom: I come out... Sort of. I come out as bisexual.

2017/2018- HIghschool: the land of assholes and bad smells... and of bad smelling assholes. This was a new terrain, a chance to start over and be myself. At this point everyone knew I liked girls, even that one girl in the back of my English class who always stared at me for some reason. We will come back to her. The adventure begins and I surprisingly have friends! Of course you can’t have everything in life so I was still majorly depressed. woo. The self harm hadn’t stopped either. school turned out to not be as exciting as I thought it would be. As a freshman I was at the bottom of the food chain, fresh meat. Life was just as miserable as before. Well, until HER. remember the girl from the back of my class, yeah this is where she come into the story. little did I know that there were other gays in our little hick town. turns out this girl had a crush on me. One thing led to another and BAM, I landed myself a girlfriend. This was the happiest I had ever been. The self harm began to space out until it was almost non-existent, all because of her. I came out as Non-binary, shortened my name and started going by they/them. life was great. And although the fact that I wasn’t hurting myself was good, the fact that I was depending on her to be my only reason to stay alive was not good. especially when she started doing the same thing with me. we were so clung to each other that even a moment not texting, or calling, or face to face talking we were both miserable. Eventually the other person wasn't enough to provide the other with 100% happiness. She tried to kill herself.

2018/2019- Sophomore year begins, my relationship was deteriorating and I had no way of fixing it. She was in the psych hospital, I didn’t know when she was coming home. her parents were blaming this on me. I hated myself even more because I thought SHE hated me. Finally she came home, except she wasn’t allowed to talk to me (cause her parents are literally insane). Of course this did not do anything except fuel this self hatred and in October of 2018 I made an attempt on my life. Let me just say, overdosing sucks. I was high as hell but jesus Christ that headache was the worst thing. After literally 8 hours of being in the hospital and many blood tests later the conclusion was that I was going to be fine... except now I had to go to a psych hospital. About an hour away is where the place was. I of course was scared shitless. I had nothing but the pair of hospital scrubs I was wearing. The first day I said nothing to anyone, I sat alone with my arms pressed to my body to A) hide my cuts and B) I had no deodorant and I wasn’t about to be known as the smelly chick. There was quite the assortment of folks there. the youngest girl was 10 and the oldest person was a boy who was 17 I think. Slowly I started talking and eating, I got clothes (and deodorant) and I even started making friends. maybe it wasn’t going to be too bad here after all. As I adapted and began to feel comfortable and somewhat happy-ish even, my time there was coming to an end. I stayed there 7 days before being thrown back into the real world. My body decided to greet me with a panic attack on the first day back, yayyy. Now that I was home I was hooked on the idea of finding her and thinking that we would magically get back together. I  was wrong. She hated me now, and I mean absolutely LOATHED me. She said that I abused her and was manipulative, and if you know me then you know that’s perhaps the last thing I would do in a relationship. I LOVED her. not anymore, though. Now we were caught in a battle of “who can say the shittiest thing about the other behind their back” This of course was not smart, given that we both were pretty fucking unstable and I hurt myself yet again. But now I actually met people who I liked and helped me through it. I am grateful for them. they helped me be comfortable with myself. The school year ends.

Present Day- It is summer now, I just publicly came out as ftm transgender. It didn’t go too hot with the family. I had a relapse in self harm, but im managing. I haven't attempted suicide since October and I’m working on myself and trying to feel/look like the most me that I can. If anyone needs someone to talk to, I’m here. I hope this has helped someone.

[warstrike-moved]

after reading punisher: the tyger, i’ve decided to modernize it a bit and make it into netflix frank’s backstory as well. i don’t agree with the implication of frank being a troubled kid / showing signs of violent behavior previously. the tyger poem is also essential to this characterization of the punisher, which i feel can apply to mcu frank, as well. under the cut is the tweaked story and his life as a child, influences into adulthood. in another post, i’ll explain the importance of the poemthe tyger by william blake. it’s VERY lengthy im so sorry and more or less a synopsis of the comic shit.

his grandfather was involved in world world ii in the marines and later his father  (  in place of frank, since frank is placed in the marines within the series ) was a vietnam vet. he was with louisa before he was drafted, and later married her following the end of the vietnam war. frank was born november 15th, 1980 and raised by both mario and louisa castiglione in queens.

growing up, frank had always had military influences in his life from both his father and his grandfather. his father didn’t talk about the war as much as his grandfather while he was alive, but as frank grew up, he learned to listen and discover things himself without asking. he knew where his father kept his medals, his old journal, the key to the box he kept it all in: he stood aside and listened.  young frank kept to himself and was lost in his thoughts or imagination, which later prompted his interest in the poetry his mom kept around. the pictures depicted by words and worlds painted by the moods made a mental playground for him, it was anESCAPE for young frank. it gave him insight into a world full of color and mirth, something he was starting to realize the world around him lacked.

yet, his quietness didn’t equate to him being a pushover. most kids knew not to pick on frank, because despite his size he wasn’t afraid to fight back to defend himself or anyone being bullied. there was a protective streak to him towards kids who couldn’t protect themselves and he wanted to help, even when he always couldn’t.

ONTO EVENTS IN HIS CHILDHOOD THAT INFLUENCE HIS ACTIONS LATER IN LIFE …

when he was 10, he witnessed a man on fire after lighting a cigarette around paint fumes and spilling paint thinner on himself. this was while he was bringing his father lunch to the construction yard. a young frank watched the man burn, face blank and conflicted with what he was watching. still, he never looked away. later he soon listened to his parents recall the event that happened. his mother sympathetic, his father colder towards the man’s death and in general considering it not to be as big of a tragedy.

frank takes a class during the summer centered around the review of poetry and constructive meanings of it, overseen by father david. he attends it with a friend a few years older than him named lauren buvoli. lauren is as entranced, if not more, than frank is as a kid. he takes interest in her brother sal, a marine, and sometimes talks with him and asks questions related to his service ( this further installs his interest in the military as a child ). lauren and frank were close, close enough to where the events that steamroll into her life rocks his, too.

after a class with father david, frank and lauren walk home, holding a loose conversation about the poem the tyger ( which i’ll later get into ). during this walk home, lauren sees her friend sue, but how she sees her is a tragedy in itself. sue is in the middle of the road and the two see her hit and killed by the driver. suicide was a scarce topic back then, so many would dub it as an ‘accident’.

as it turns out, sue had been ‘involved’ with vincent rosa, the youngest son in one of the well-beloved and feared families in that part of queens. nobody ever talked bad about the rosas, at least not where somebody connected could potentially HEAR. there were darker things to discover about vincent rosa, and discover frank did. after listening to his parents talk about vincent and another girl, kate donegan, he went to talk to her brother and found out that vincent had been forcing himself on the girls he was with. sue, kate, and lauren, as it was later implied.

frank hadn’t seen lauren for days, she was always gone from home when he would go over to see her.  a week went by, and he saw her in father david’s class,  but she bailed at a moment’s notice. ran to the bus, homeward bound and frank ran after her, but missed the bus. it didn’t stop him, however, frank made his way to lauren’s house, but it was too late. her mom screamed from the back for her father, lauren had taken her life. all because of the rosa kid, and frank couldn’t do a damn thing. what’s a ten year old suppose to do, anyway, besides sit by and watch?  it created a deep seated sense ofhelplessness, something he hated.

frank listened to how his mother reacted to the news about lauren towards his father, how she described the fear of men taking advantage of women. in that same conversation, he heard his father say he went with friends and sue’s father to go after albert rosa, vincent’s father, to confront them about his son’s actions. they were scared off, however, due to albert having threatened and his followers around him physically harm sue’s father as a warning to them. this prompted frank to attempt to go after vincent himself. he took the knowledge of the lockbox key and took his father’s gun and went to find vincent. when he got to vincent’s usual hangout and followed him out, he was too late. sal, lauren’s brother, had already decided he was going to take him out.

sal beat vincent and dragged his body to the cemetery to a hole he’d dug, tossed him in and lit him on fire. all the while a young frank castle watched and wrapped his head around the idea of hate.

TO CONCLUDE …  to me, this story compacts more motivation for frank as an adult to do what he does. seeing such trauma as a child, hearing fear and seeing hate as a child sticks with you as you’re growing up. frank couldn’t do anything then. he couldn’t help lauren buvoli. he couldn’t say anything to make her feel better, he couldn’t DO anything to help her and stop her from doing what she did, he couldn’t avenge her. even if he had gotten to vincent first, the idea of a ten year old holding his own against a boy in his late teens is unreasonable. sal was a motivation for him, he showed a young frank castle what it was like to hate someone that much and make them pay. he didn’t understand that until he was older, until he lost his family and felt the trauma of loss and helplessness seep in again when he survived. this is how he adopted a maladaptive manner of dealing with grief and trauma. frank castle now can DO SOMETHING, he can feel a pang of retribution with each of the lives he takes. frank castle is the punisher. the tyger that damns people for the crimes they commit and the innocent lives they’ve shattered. he’s seen the dark parts of the world since he was a kid and has come to terms that the only way to stop it is to be the monster to the monsters.

[cybernightwanderer]

I went over the “How to Recognize the Signs of Mental and Emotional Abuse” article and heres whats familiar : 46 out of 64 Signs LOL

-Name-calling. They’ll blatantly call you “stupid,” “a loser,” or words too awful to repeat here. There were too many times my mom would come to my room yelling and threatning to beat, or actually beat me up and call me a whore and a piece of shit. Still does, just doesnt call me a whore now, just calls me stupid and a a piece of shit occasionally. -Character assassination. This usually involves the word “always.” You’re always late, wrong, screwing up, disagreeable, and so on. Basically, they say you’re not a good person. Everyday AALL DAY. Things i used or barely did as a child , and keeps trowing at as an adult. -Yelling. Yelling, screaming, and swearing are meant to intimidate and make you feel small and inconsequential. It might be accompanied by fist-pounding or throwing things. No need to even explain this. -Patronizing. “Aw, sweetie, I know you try, but this is just beyond your understanding.” “Ah nooo, youll never be responsible to have your own life” -Public embarrassment. They pick fights, expose your secrets, or make fun of your shortcomings in public. Yup...

-Dismissiveness. You tell them about something that’s important to you and they say it’s nothing. Body language like eye-rolling, smirking, headshaking, and sighing help convey the same message. Trying to explain to her i dont like something or i dont wanna do something and why, trying to explain certain things she does harms me. And i just get mocked and threatned instead. - Insults of your appearance. They tell you, just before you go out, that your hair is ugly or your outfit is clownish. Every single day. Also to a point that she did this many times in front of strangers, or in front of my friends.

-Belittling your accomplishments. Your abuser might tell you that your achievements mean nothing, or they may even claim responsibility for your success. Yup -Put-downs of your interests. They might tell you that your hobby is a childish waste of time or you’re out of your league when you play sports. Really, it’s that they’d rather you not participate in activities without them. I stopped practising my drawing skills because she would always say i had no future in drawing characters and shitty stuff. Even tho i was starting and practising. That i had no future in it. -Pushing your buttons. Once your abuser knows about something that annoys you, they’ll bring it up or do it every chance they get. Daily picking fights with me, the yells at me for fighting with her and misstreats me. -Threats. Telling you they’ll take the kids and disappear, or saying “There’s no telling what I might do.” Threatning to kick me off the house whenever i refuse to do something she tells me to. For example, a few years ago, i was barely holding on with a minimal wage , she would take a cut out of it, so there was this month i did a whole month without days off to try and gather money to go to barcelona. She knew i had money saved up and threatened to kick me off the house if i didnt give her extra 100 euros for house rent. Usually stuff like this always. -Monitoring your whereabouts. They want to know where you are all the time and insist that you respond to calls or texts immediately. They might show up just to see if you’re where you’re supposed to be. If i go out with my friends or stay in my friends houses, if i go to a concert or anything, she will non stop be calling me and texting until i reply. Even if i already told her who i would be with and where ( i have to tell her always ) And always have to tell what i am doing. If i dont she will be mad for weeks and take it out on me. -Digital spying. They might check your internet history, emails, texts, and call log. They might even demand your passwords. Like the previous one, she asks my aunt to sent her my ig stuff and fb stuff i post, so i had to remove my entire family from my social network. Because she would always come up to me daily “ ah u posted this why? “ wether it would be a selfie or a poem. And is always messaging me on whatsapp and humiliating me and crontrolling wich picture i post on whatsapp. I generaly like to post my user photo of whatsapp as something funny, wether its my face with a filter, or a funny meme. Two months ago i posted a guy with his ass pinned up, wich was hilarious. She kept yelling at me everymorning, and even threatned to hit me , to take the picture down , because it looked bad. The picture was something like this ( not this, but the pose kinda )

- Unilateral decision-making. They might close a joint bank account, cancel your doctor’s appointment, or speak with your boss without asking. ALWAYS does these kinds of things without my consent. I work 12h a day everyday, im always tired, and i barely have money , and she “trying to take care of me “ will settle apointments for really expensive doctors witouth asking me if i even want, and will get mad at me when i tell her to cancel , saying im a big girl that i have to do it, SO i have to take out sometype of time during my busy work day to make a call to cancel something she settled without even asking me , and will be mad for weeks and take it out on me calling me names and shit. And if i dont accept her “ lending me the money for the apointment “ she will get mad and call me ungratfull and stupid. -Financial control. They might keep bank accounts in their name only and make you ask for money. You might be expected to account for every penny you spend. Well yeah.. dont even need to say anything here. - Lecturing. Belaboring your errors with long monologues makes it clear they think you’re beneath them.  Or here... -Direct orders. From “Get my dinner on the table now” to “Stop taking the pill,” orders are expected to be followed despite your plans to the contrary. This daily basis. -Outbursts. You were told to cancel that outing with your friend or put the car in the garage, but didn’t, so now you have to put up with a red-faced tirade about how uncooperative you are. Always calling me lazy and shit for not doing HER OWN STUFF. -Treating you like a child. They tell you what to wear, what and how much to eat, or which friends you can see.  I am 30 years old. -Feigned helplessness. They may say they don’t know how to do something. Sometimes it’s easier to do it yourself than to explain it. They know this and take advantage of it. Whatever happends she always plays the pity party card “ ahh im old” , “ ahhh i had an aneurism ( even tho she has been fine for two/three years now LOL )”, “ ahh my blood pressure “ She used that as an excuse to always ditch arguments or important discussions when she is loosing, and if i dont shut up she will threaten to kick me off the house or beat me. For example the other day she was shamming me out of nowhere from trying to commit suicide, and i told her she was one of the main reasons. She immediatly started to call me names, tried to hit me, and trow me out of the car. -Unpredictability. They’ll explode with rage out of nowhere, suddenly shower you with affection, or become dark and moody at the drop of a hat to keep you walking on eggshells. She flips randomly during the day, im afraid to leave my room. Or that she will enter my room. -They walk out. In a social situation, stomping out of the room leaves you holding the bag. At home, it’s a tool to keep the problem unresolved. She humiliates me in public then randomly walks out. -Using others. Abusers may tell you that “everybody” thinks you’re crazy or “they all say” you’re wrong. She likes to tell her friends and our family how “ irresponsable”, “immature” and no good for nothing i am, and how i am LEECHING her off... LOL -Jealousy. They accuse you of flirting or cheating on them. Usualy when i game or sometimes, ppl call me and talk to me, and she will eavesdropp my conversation and enter my room to hear better, or later wait until i leave the room , to complain about how i treat my friends so well , and speak so well to them , and how it is possible that i talk to her bad all the time and treat her like shit (? LOL ) Well for starters my friends dont misstreat me or call me names, or try to humiliate me or control me LOL or even pick fights with me. She will get mad at me for not wanting to spend time with her, and spending time with my friends. That im ungratefull and a bad daughter. LOL -Turning the tables. They say you cause their rage and control issues by being such a pain. This, that its my fault. That its my fault everything. - Denying something you know is true. An abuser will deny that an argument or even an agreement took place. This is called gaslighting. It’s meant to make you question your own memory and sanity. For example the other day , olso on the car, with the suicide attempt talk, i was trying to explain why and i told her my most painfull memory of her, was her beating me up for not knowing how to solve a math problem in 3rd grade. That she punched me several times because she tought i had awnsered 7 instead of 1. And she started yelling at me saying i made that up and shit. Like bitch i was afraid of doing my homework home because you would beat the crap out of me, instead of teatching me LOL. She once again used the “ blood pressure “ excuse and tried to hit me and kick me off the car in mid highway. -Using guilt. They might say something like, “You owe me this. Look at all I’ve done for you,” in an attempt to get their way. Ahh this is a classic. She says i owe her everything she asks for because SHE BIRTHED ME AND RAISED ME. And she used this argument to manipulate me in everything. -Goading then blaming. Abusers know just how to upset you. But once the trouble starts, it’s your fault for creating it. Yup -Denying their abuse. When you complain about their attacks, abusers will deny it, seemingly bewildered at the very thought of it. According to her, she just does everything she does because she cares LOL. -Accusing you of abuse. They say you’re the one who has anger and control issues and they’re the helpless victim. LOLOLOL cannot say this enought, SHE ACCUSES ME of being the abusive one , simply because i talk back, because i dont wanna be around her and because i fight with her LOL. Even tho she starts the fights and im just defending myself from her. -Trivializing. When you want to talk about your hurt feelings, they accuse you of overreacting and making mountains out of molehills. Yup -Saying you have no sense of humor. Abusers make personal jokes about you. If you object, they’ll tell you to lighten up. Yup -Blaming you for their problems. Whatever’s wrong in their life is all your fault. You’re not supportive enough, didn’t do enough, or stuck your nose where it didn’t belong.  ALSO YUP -Destroying and denying. They might crack your cell phone screen or “lose” your car keys, then deny it. Tried to break my things numerous of times, or trash them or give them away. Wich she did. -Demanding respect. No perceived slight will go unpunished, and you’re expected to defer to them. But it’s a one-way street. Yup... She will  happly tell me how to dress saying what im wearing is ugly, i will politely tell her to stop, she will continue to give her “opinion” i will get tired and yell to stop , she will immediatly demand respect and tell me i have no right to talk back at her and that im disrespectfull and stupid. -Shutting down communication. They’ll ignore your attempts at conversation in person, by text, or by phone. Yup -Dehumanizing you. They’ll look away when you’re talking or stare at something else when they speak to you. Yup -Keeping you from socializing. Whenever you have plans to go out, they come up with a distraction or beg you not to go. Also Yup She wouldnt let me go out if i didnt do my bed, and would make up shit just so i wouldnt go out, until i got tired and gave up. -Trying to come between you and your family. They’ll tell family members that you don’t want to see them or make excuses why you can’t attend family functions. Well she constantly came in between my first real good therapist. I was finally seeing  a good therapist a few years ago. I was finally relieved and tought i could trust him, all of a suddent she demanded to be in the therapy sessions. So in the sessions instead of talking about what upset me and her constant mental abuse, the therapist gave in to her demands, and started adressing HER issues with me. I remenber the LAST time i decided to attend the doctor. He would first attend my mom , then me. So i came up, and he started his usual talks, and i wanted to talk to him that day about the nightmares i was having and if he could help me. And all of a suddent he cut the conversation off by saying “ ah wait so your mother tells be you have been staying a lot of time on your computer “ “ that you dont socialize with your friends and that you dont go out “ I mean i wonder why i get stuck in my pc and dont go out with my friends LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL She would always cut me off from meeting my friends, she would always control me, so i had less interest or courage to make friends year by year. And gaming was the only thing that brought me joy in my shitty depressed life coz i couldnt develop any interests. -Withholding affection. They won’t touch you, not even to hold your hand or pat you on the shoulder. They may refuse sexual relations to punish you or to get you to do something. She wil straight up give me the cold shoulder, ignore me if she is mad because i didnt do something how she wanted. When i had hand surgery, she refused to go with me, or get me. By me it was ok , she didnt need to go or anything. So after surgery i told the doctors i would take myself home, and why. And they didnt allowe me and still called my mom even thought i told them she wouldnt. She treated me so badly after picking me up from the hospital because they called her. -Tuning you out. They’ll wave you off, change the subject, or just plain ignore you when you want to talk about your relationship. Yup -Actively working to turn others against you. They’ll tell co-workers, friends, and even your family that you’re unstable and prone to hysterics. YUP -Calling you needy. When you’re really down and out and reach out for support, they’ll tell you you’re too needy or the world can’t stop turning for your little problems.  YUP -Interrupting. You’re on the phone or texting and they get in your face to let you know your attention should be on them. Yup -Indifference. They see you hurt or crying and do nothing. Yup - Disputing your feelings. Whatever you feel, they’ll say you’re wrong to feel that way or that’s not really what you feel at all. Yup

[sicklylittlesnowflake]

I saw your post that ya don't have many prompts and I thought I'd try??? So Like I love love love sick betty and honestly I just want all of her precious friends worrying over her and my heart just melts omg..

(I love me some Betty Cooper anon, she’s my princess and pride and joy thanks for the prompt!! Also sorry my Beronica shipping ass can’t stop whoops!!)

Betty Cooper was the girl who did everything for everyone, and never herself.

She was a giver, and was the ray of sunshine in everyone’s lives. She was the friend who was always there for others, and it was practically impossible for anyone to dislike her.

Betty Cooper was there for Archie Andrews his whole life, supporting him with his music career and listening to his songs always. She gave him feedback, lifting his spirits.

Betty Cooper was there for Kevin Keller when he felt frustrated or upset, and was always there to reassure him that there was nothing wrong with him and made him feel safe.

Betty Cooper was there for Jughead Jones in his lowest days, offering him love and kindness when he clearly needed it. She defended him from the whole town when he was ostracised for matters out of his control, his shining light that made him feel like he belonged.

Betty Cooper was there for Veronica Lodge every day. She was destined to be with her, souls intertwined by some greater force. Betty supported Veronica and served as a light when all things in her life seemed to go dark. The bit of purity when all things seemed to become corrupt with filth.

And of course, her friends loved her back.

So when Betty was in need, it was only natural for all her friends to give back.

Jughead was first to take action when Betty walked into the Blue and Gold’s offices, pale, all colour drained from her face besides fevered cheeks and dark circles.

She had come in about forty five minutes before school, feeling bad she hadn’t had much progress done on an article so decided to get a head start. Luckily, Jughead had already been there about 10 minutes prior, due to Archie dragging his reluctant ass over to school because of early football practice.

“Betts!” Jughead exclaimed, rushing towards her and feeling her cheek with the back of his hand.

“You shouldn’t be here!”

Betty smiled at him reassuringly, “Im fine, Juggy, just didn’t get a lot of sleep..”

“Didn’t get a lot of sleep?! It looks like you haven’t slept in days!” Jughead exclaimed, watching as she began to walk shakily.

“Jug, I need to finish this article for Cheryl..she really needs it,” Betty rasped. Following Cheryl’s suicide attempt, she needed the support of her friends more than anything. Her and Jughead had decided to get all the people who cared about her to write a little something for her, and Jughead had done more than he should’ve for the article already. She needed to finish this.

“Then I’ll do it, Betty!” Jughead insisted, rushing to her side as he watched as a wave of nausea hit her, wrapping an arm around her waist to support her. He lead her to the couch and dropped her gently there.

“No, Jug! You’ve done way too much already, Jug. It’s not fair on you–with all you’ve been going through..” Betty attempted to sit back up but Jughead gently pushed her down so she was lying down.

“No way, Betty. Let me take care of you for once,” Jughead pleaded.

“Jughead, you’re a great caretaker, really, but you’re going to get sick! You know your immune systems awful!”

Jughead shrugged, pulling his phone out and shooting a text.

Fuckhead Jones III: Yo Betty’s sick meet me at the blue and gold

“Well, I won’t be your only caretaker,” Jughead smirked.

Justin Gingerlake: Omw lemme get reg out of my way

Kill me Keller: What?!?!?!?! Coming!!!

Ronnie Weasley: I can’t believe jughead jones is saying “Yo”…anyway I’m coming

Betty groaned, “Jughead!”

“What?” Jughead said sheepishly.

She softened, curling up and snuggling herself, “Jug, you got your computer? ”

“Hmm, yes, why?”

“..Can you please read out one of your poems to me? They’re very relaxing.”

“Hmm..they are a peer into my melancholy emo soul, completely exposing my vulnerable, despairing being contemplating our very existence..” Jughead joked.

“But for you Betty Cooper, of course.”

Jughead opened up his laptop and opened up a file, clearing his throat as he recited a hopeful poem, a complete different take than he usually took in his art, in his clarion, dramatic tenor voice.

Betty closed her eyes and immersed herself in his art.

Archie arrived first, a glass of water and his guitar bag in his hands.

“I brought you some water, Betty,” Archie grinned, drenched in sweat.

Jughead fake gagged, “Ugh, Arch, you reek! Clean up, will you?”

“I would have used perfume, Jughead, but you’re severely allergic, remember? Do I need to remind you of the Andrews Construction Dinner incident of 2016?”

Jughead groaned, “Don’t.”

Betty laughed hoarsely, “You’re a saviour, Archie Andrews. Also, I don’t smell a thing, Jughead’s just being a dick.”

Archie laughed then pulled a chair towards the couch and helped her sit up, far too weak to do it herself. He propped up a pillow so she was comfortable, sitting next to her and rubbing her back comfortingly as he helps her drink up the glass of water.

Betty winced as her head began to ache intensely, her head throbbing and pounding.

“Archie, you’re really a star,” Betty thanked quietly, as to not strain her voice.

“A star that’s going to be big one day,” Jughead said softly.

“In fact..Archibald over here’s written a new song, would you do the honours and play it for Elizabeth here?” Jughead grinned.

“Oh..it might make the headache worse,” Archie said.

“No, Arch, please..I love your songs.”

Jughead raised his eyebrow and smiled, watching as Archie unpacked the guitar and started to pluck melodically at the strings.

Kevin came in on the last chorus of Archie’s song, holding a damp towel.

“Oh, Kev!” Betty cooed.

“The moment I heard my best pal was in need I came as quickly as I could,” Kevin smiled and squinted at Archie.

“Not quick enough,” Archie teased.

“Fuck you, Andrews, and your annoyingly toned body,” Kevin hissed.

Archie laughed, packing away his guitar and sat down on the table with Jughead, typing away on the computer.

“Betty, have you been overworking yourself?” Kevin cooed softly, helping her lie back down on the cushion and gently draping the damp, cool towel over her forehead.

“No–”

“Yes she has,” Archie and Jughead said in unison.

Betty released a soft sigh of relief at the cooling touch of the towel, some of the discomforting heat slowly melting away.

“Kevin, you’re the very best..”

“No Betts, you are. You’re always working for others, but you gotta give back to yourself sometime. But don’t fret, we’re right by your side,” Kevin smiled kindly, as he dragged a chair next to the couch.

He cracked his knuckles to which Betty let out a noise of delight.

“Kevin, are you about to give me one of the infamous Keller Massages?”

“You bet I am, for my best gal,” Kevin grinned, as he softly massaged Betty’s temples, circulating them so that the intensity of her headaches slowly subsided. He rubbed slowly and gently, easing away her troubles and sorrows so she was only surrounded by love and support.

Veronica was the last, but the moment she burst through the doors of the Blue and Gold, in complete sweats, all their questions regarding her tardiness was answered.

Veronica was carrying a multitude of items, a luxurious furry blanket, a packet of medicine, a thermos of soup, tea bags and a box of chocolates.

“Well, that was not expected,” Archie blinked.

Jughead smirked, “That was the only thing that was destined to happen, Archie.”

“I’m so sorry I’m so late, Betty! The moment I heard you weren’t feeling well I tried to get everything ready ASAP and I ran all the way here!”

Veronica set down all her items onto a table and approached Betty, kneeling down so she could be in eye-to-eye level. She frowned at seeing her so ill and weak. Betty Cooper did not deserve to be sick. She was too good to be sick.

Betty chuckled fondly, “Ronnie..you didn’t have to..”

“Oh Betty! My poor angel,” Veronica frowned as she ran over to the table and draped the luxurious blanket over her entire frame, tucking her in to the blankets protectively.

“Are you warm enough? You must feel awful,” Veronica doted.

“Ronnie..I’m fine,” Betty giggled, feeling a lot better by Veronica just being there.

“I even got you these chocolates from Belgium, trust me, you’ll feel a lot better..”

Betty could only giggle, “Ronnie..”

She cleared her throat, “..but we are going to be late..”

“What?! No, Betty, you’re going home!” Veronica insisted.

“Can’t–my mom is away on a reporter story and my dad is out of town on a different story,” Betty explained.

“Then just stay here and I’ll give you a ride home later!” Kevin butted in.

“I can’t stay here!” Betty protested.

“We’ll tell the nurse you’re comfortable here, and don’t feel up to moving up there,” Archie suggested.

“She won’t listen to you, Arch!” Betty chuckled.

“I’ll tell her,” Jughead piped up, the gang knowing full well how soft the old nurse was on Jughead, seeing as how often he ended up in her office.

“I’ll even get us all excuses to look after you!” Jughead offered.

“No way! You can’t all look after me!” Betty protested.

“Well, at least Veronica,” Archie butted in.

Betty and Veronica blushed.

“U-uh, w-what?” Veronica stammered.

Kevin laughed, “Oh my god, let’s all stop this hetero bullshit, we all know that Veronica here is the best option here.”

“Agreed,” Jughead and Archie nodded.

“Well, we’ll leave you guys to it! I’ll drive you home later today and we’ll all check up on you later, yeah?” Kevin beamed, heading out the door as Jughead and Archie said their goodbyes as the two headed over to the Nurse before class.

Veronica chuckled as they left, and gave her a warm smile.

“Have you eaten anything today?”

Betty shook her head, “..I kinda forgot..I was in a huge haze this morning.”

“Well, I’m here to the rescue,” Veronica said kindly, her voice so warm and loving Betty swore her chills were abating.

Veronica began to boil some water in the kettle Betty had brought in for Jughead’s coffee addiction, and when it was done used it to make her a nice peppermint tea.

She opened up the soup in the thermos and passed it to Betty, who had managed to sit up while she had done so.

Betty sipped at the soup with delight, the flavours absolutely delicious and creamy, “Veronica, this is great..”

“Anything for my best girl,” Veronica cooed, watching in satisfaction as Betty ate up the soup.

Once Betty had finished, Veronica began to pop open one of the medicine packets and passed her the pill along with the peppermint tea, to which Betty obliged. Betty sighed in contentment, eyes closed in satisfaction as the aroma and tastefully sweet tangs hit her.

“Veronica..you really didn’t have to do this all for me..You’re the best,” Betty whispered softly.

Veronica blushed lightly, “..Of course..Betty, you know I…really care about you.”

“You know, you’re like this..oh jesus..this is really stupid..but you’re like the best thing in my life right now, this absolutely perfect light..”

“..Ronnie, I’m not perfect,” Betty whispered weakly.

Veronica softened, “Of course. That’s not what I meant, but in my eyes..all of your faults and little things..they add up into this beautiful beautiful person who feels like perfect. Someone so..wonderfully crafted, yet flawed..but always striving for the good.”

Betty smiled softly, “Veronica..”

“You give all the time Betty..I’m just..so glad I can give back for once. To thank you for blessing me with your company,” Veronica said softly.

“I like being with you too, Ronnie..it all feels so nice..just me and you here..” Betty whispered.

Veronica felt her heart soar and insides melt, completely warm and tingly. She couldn’t help but begin to stroke her hair softly, brushing each strand of luscious blonde hair carefully and tenderly, like she was made of magic. To Veronica at least, she was made of magic.

Veronica fondled with her hair for a little bit, taking in all of the wonder that was Betty Cooper in this beautifully silent moment. This was all a reality, and she wasn’t just some princess from a fairytale, she was real.

Betty broke the silence, a smile coming to her lips, “..Veronica..come here..”

Veronica hesitated, stunned, but was pulled in by Betty who began to cuddle her lovingly, a little influenced by the fever but genuine all the same.

“Sing to me, please?” Betty mumbled.

Veronica blushed, but finally controlled herself enough to lightly sing.

“If you be my star, I’ll be your sky,you can hide underneath me and come out at night..when I turn jet black and you show off your lightI live to let you shine..I live to let you shine..But you can skyrocket away from meAnd never come back if you find another galaxyFar from here, with more room to fly,but leave me your stardust to remember you by…”

“That’s sweet,” Kevin whispered by lunch time as he walked in, Archie and Jughead right behind him, smiling along as they admired the sight.

A sight of two sweet girls intertwined with each other, holding each other close, never to let go.

[trippz2ill2ace8itout]

🥀🥀🔥🥀🥀||HOPE #2; ||You Know My Name, Not My Story||🥀🔥🔥🥀

[Written On November 4th, 2019] 🥀🦋🖤I honestly havent eaten in 12 days, then yesterday i ate a peice of pie. I might lose people to this. I am idk. Its hard to explian. But even if u hate me im still here. Idk how much expkain it Heres some shit u can read. (u don't have to read this. TRIGGER WARNING) I sold myself, prostituted myself for about a year, and tortured myself while people tortured me 24/7 everyday. Msybe got raped 50 times a day. Tortured 200 times a day and i was there bitch. They didnt even pay me. Watch out and be careful hun I walked into Angela/Andrea and Jimmy Millers house, the 2nd out of the 3 foster homes i waz in, there was a 9 year old kid getting abused, like how they tied me to a tree and tortured me. They tourtured me so much on a 24/7 daily bases, worse than my bio dad. The 9 year olds name was Anthony Castillo-Martinez, he was autistic and had PTSD and ADHD, self harm, anger and suicidal issues. I got tortured for him, whenever Angela tried to torture him, i got in the way, any kind of abuse and torture and traumatic thing that coulda happened to me. It did. Finally i got a day pass out of the house. I got arrested and started doing criminal things, insane and dangerous things, i was walking on the side of the freeway, i came back, and i saw Angela and Jimmy fighting, Jimmy was tired of Angela torturing me and the other kids, Anthony was outside tied to the tree. I untied him and i stole him, i ran to LA, taking buses and trains, i found a motel, i tried to convince them to let us in, cuz i was technically homeless -again- they let us stay for 3 nights, I called up Kimberly, and she met us over there, Kimberly started torturing me worse and before. She set me up in the sex trade, i had 40 to 70 people a day, guys and girls, torture, abuse, rape, beat, drug me up. For money for us to live and take care of Anthony, she was the RingLeader, per say. I took care of Anthony as my own, Kimberly did absolutely nothing, nothing at all. She paid everyone to torture me, i was a drug addict and alcoholic. Hardcore, and the more i was high and loaded, the less i felt, at this point in time, I didnt know that Kimberly was the head of all this, one of the guys who continuously tortured me, was trying to go after Anthony, and i stepped in front of him and took the torture, Anthony kept asking me if i was his real mom, i couldnt answer that question. I cried everynight. Jeremy Carlos Baraz came in and started yelling at Kimberly, i was curious, but as soon as i walked in, Jeremy had a gun up to her head, Kimberly told Jeremy to "Go Shoot Izzy, i have nothing u want, she has meth and cocaine", Jeremy told me to go to my room, when he left will all my drugs, Kimberly stormed into my room, i was sleeping on my floor like usual, so Anthony had a place to sleep. Kim told me that it was my fault, and "i coulda got killed, and its all your fault" she called some of her "friends" to come "handle some business" about 10 people came in, and they came in my room, and they started literally torturing me. They tied me to the bed, about 20 + more people came in, and they drugged me up, they beat me, tortured me jn every way possible, (later i found out that they filmed it, and it was Kimberlys idea) they raped me, but i was so used to it that i couldn't feel anything. I tried to scream, so they ducktaped my mouth, they said "you speak, you die" the more i resisted, i was a drug addict and alcoholic. Hardcore, and the more i was high and loaded, the less i felt, at this point in time, I didnt know that Kimberly was the head of all this, one of the guys who continuously tortured me, was trying to go after Anthony, and i stepped in front of him and took the torture, Anthony kept asking me if i was his real mom, i couldnt answer that question. I cried everynight. Jeremy Carlos Baraz came in and started yelling at Kimberly, i was curious, but as soon as i walked in, Jeremy had a gun up to her head, Kimberly told Jeremy to "Go Shoot Izzy, i have nothing u want, she has meth and cocaine", Jeremy told me to go to my room, when he left will all my drugs, Kimberly stormed into my room, i was sleeping on my floor like usual, so Anthony had a place to sleep. Kim told me that it was my fault, and "i coulda got killed, and its all your fault" she called some of her "friends" to come "handle some business" about 10 people came in, and they came in my room, and they started literally torturing me. They tied me to the bed, about 20 + more people came in, and they drugged me up, they beat me, tortured me jn every way possible, (later i found out that they filmed it, and it was Kimberlys idea) they raped me, but i was so used to it that i couldn't feel anything. I tried to scream, so they ducktaped my mouth, they said "you speak, you die" the more i resisted,. the more i got tortured. They put a gun to my head, 4 people had a gun each, and two guns were pointed towards each side of my head. It came a daily thing, for weeks, my mom didnt know about anything, she still thought i was at the foster home i ran away from. Each day more and more people came. On the weekends i had more time with Anthony, but i took care of him as my own. Kimberly did shit. I almost died multiple times. But it was my job to protect and provide for Anthony. Kimberly was still my girlfriend, we were engaged. And if i left, all hell would break loose. So i stayed, stupid me. _________ **The kids in Angela/Andrea && Jimmys Home; __Englasias "Enji" Moreno-Miller: Enji is a hard core drug addict and alcoholic. He got diagnosed with Bipolar, Anxiety and PTSD, hes Angela/Andrea and Jimmy Millers foster-son, Hes 20 years old, he sneaks drugs in the house. Andrea/Angela Miller still abuses him, doesnt matter if hes her son or not. Mainly cuz hes bisexual. They had a custody battle to who gets to mske Enji's life decisions. Jimmy hates when Andrea/Angela abuses Enji. *The Meaning Behind "Enji": Enji was a name i made up for him, because he hates the name Englasias cuz its what Andrea/Angela calls him when she abuses him. So i made up a nick name for him __Giovanni "Gio" Santiago: Giovanni is a 22 year old male. He got put into foster care, when he was 9, Angela/Andrea torturex him obsessivly. In all ways, but Jimmy payz her to do it. Gio has Schizophrenia, Anxiety. pTsd, depression, anorexia, borderline personality, and paranoid physcosis. Angela/Andrea tortures him for no reason, Gio is the oldest of all the people in the house, i usually step in and take the torture for Gio, me and Gio dated for 2 months, then broke up cuz of Andrea/Angelas stupid rules. I protect Gio, were really close, Jimmy abuses him sexually physically by mentally. *The Meaning Behind "Gio": Gio is the name i gave him, also know as Gizmo, when he and i were playing "foster home" even tho we were already in one lol. Gio Gio Giovanni, we were goofballs, rebels, and sassy queens. We had a lot of fun and were always there to eachother nonstop, and helped eachother, we became to close. Wayyy to close. Love u Gio Gio Giovanni. __Nancy "Andrew" Augustine: Nancy is a 15 year old trasngender female to male. So his pronouns are "he/him/his", he went into foster care a year after he was born, he got put into an orphanage. At the age of 2, Nancy was his birth name. And he hasnt gotten it legally changed so Angela/Andrea calls him a "her" and he hates it. Angela/Andrea rapes him, drugs him, force feeds him, and physically abuses him. I call him Andrew, and he told me its his "preferred name" he likes to sing and write. Me and him have sing offs, and we write songs stories and poems together. *The Meaning Behind "Andrew": Susan Augustine was born a female but then transitioned to male, Susan hated her name, but whenever Angela/Andrea kept abusing and torturing her, and kept using "her/she/hers" it triggered Andrew. So i asked "which name do u preferr, Andrew or Susan" i made him feel welcome and was always there for him, and i wanted to help him to the end, noatter the circumstances, i overhelped him. And i helped him get started with SSI, Mental Health Stuff, and getting a name change. And taking the torture from him and i took it for and instead of him. Andrea/Angela, hated me for it. But i did it anyways. Love u Andrew, he attempted suicide, overdosed on his meds, i found him and called 911, and he was rushd to the ER, he never came home after that. I miss u. :( __Monica "Monee" Palmer: Monica is a 18 year old female, she was a rebel, she was my best friend, and i helped and was there 4 her obsessivly. Jimmy raped her several times. Andrea beat and tortured her to death, and i hit Andrea over the head with a frying pan and i beat her and attempted to slice her throat, i took the torture for Monica, Ive never seen Jimmy that fuxked up before, he was on PCP, and so was i. Me and Andrea got into an altercation, it involved alcohol, PCP, a gun, glass, and a knife. Me and Andrea/Angela went at it. Jimmy recorded it, and i told everyone to get out of the house. Me and Andrea/Angela went one on one for hours. I pointed the gun towards her, and Monica saw, she was crying. I threw Andrea/Angela out a glass window, after she tortured me extra bad and she taped my mouth shut, she raped abused, tortured, drugged. Burned and almost killed me. Jimmy ran out of the house after i threw Andrea/Angela out the glass window. They never had a license to run a foster home. Monica hugged me and Jimmy was crying, bur not for his wife. For me and everything he did to me, and To Monica. *The Meaning Behind "Monee": Monee, is short for Monique, which is a name that her grandma gave her, Monica always kept that name, even after her grandma passed away, Monica grew up without parents, and was sent to live with her. grandma. After she passed Monica moved in to Jimmy and Angela/Andrea Millers house, and shes been trying to escape, she attempted a lot, but was always brought back to there house. __Anthony "Lil'Toni" Castillo-Martinez (My Unbio Son, Who Got Taken From Me, I Risked My Life To Raise Him, I Raised Him As My Own) i met Anthony Castillo when he was 9, none of us knew who his real parents are, but i took him in as my own, i risked my life to take care and provide for him, i did all i could possibly do to help and care and be there to him, he was autistic and had PTSD and ADHD, self harm, anger and suicidal issues. I got tortured for him, whenever Angela tried to torture him, i got in the way, any kind of abuse and torture and traumatic thing that coulda happened to me. It did, whether i wanted it to or not, Anthony tried to kill himself after he couldn't find out who his real parents were, I found out Anthony used to live with his aunt and uncle, Sarah and George Castillo, they both gave him up to his previous foster mom, Cherri Martinez, cuz he was "to hard to handle", (i figured out that his favorite color was pink, and he loved teddy bears, i still have the pink teddy bear i bought when i was homeless for the 13th time, in memory of my time with Anthony) Cherri had mental health issues, and whenever she had blown out physical violent fights with her ex-husband, who lost custody over Anthony, Jose Martinez, Anthony would hide and try to leave, but Cherri was to attached to him, she wouldn't let him leave at all, i later found out that Sarah and George Castillo abused him so bad. And then gave him away, to Cherri Martinez, but to this day i never knew who his real parents are, i got tortured abused raped in all ways, and drugged and prostituted and almost killed so i had money to care, provide. Support, be there and help Anthony, we lived in a run down motel, i illegally stole Anthony from his 2nd foster home. Angela/Andrea and Jimmy Miller's house, after i left, i came back to save him, he saw me getting tortured, i took care of him obsessivly, i raised him, and he called me "mommy" and i lost him after a car accident, with me, Kimberly, and Anthony, after it was over, they found drugs in a back seat, and it was me, him and Kimberly in a back seat. But i never gave him drugs, Kimberly and i had a custody battle. And she won, after she accused me of giving him drugs, and CPS took him away, i was broken up, Ricky, the drunk driver, got charged after they found out he was the driver in the car accident, Jeremy Carlos Baraz, who already had a home, after i intervened into his shooting scene, where i violated my probation, (one of my abusive torturers) knew about the whole Kimberly calling CPS, was a part of getting Anthony taken away, and abusing me situation, i confronted him about it, and i got violent towards him, after Kimberly killed herself in front of me, Jeremy admitted he was a part of taking away Anthony for the money cuz he "had to survive", he called the cops on me, I was on cacaine, meth, alcohol, Ativan, And other drugs, i almost died "according to the doctors at the hospital", and Jeremy called the cops and later told me what happened, and instead of me violating my probation i got sent to the mental hospital, (which im known for acting out, getting in restraints, and getting the "bootyjuice" shot); Anthony is now 14 years old, i cant tell u his birthday cuz it waz something he told me to never give out, i hope hes in a good home, *The Meaning Behind "Lil'Toni": some nicknames i gave him were "AngelEyezx" "Lil Bon Bon" "Lil'Toni" "Antonio" "Mooshi Mooshi" "Pain In The Ass" "Birdie'" "Soldier" "Lil One" "BroSkiiSkii" "MnM" "Child" "Lovebug" "Curious George" "Momo" "Anto" "A-Skii" "Ace" "Annnnnthony" "Smart One" "Sweet Child O' Mine" "Mamas Boy " "My Son" "Jay Jay" "Trouble Maker Jr" "Izzys Angel" "Lil Angel" "My Love" "My Sweetheart" "Mister" "Beautiful" "Lassie" "Strong One" "Smartass", *AngelEyezx: this nickname was made up by both of us, he had green eyes and i had a similar color and we would always compliment each other on our eye color, we were like twins, he said i was his angel, and i said he was mine, so we came up with this nick name. *Lil Bon Bon: Anthony was short, well no shit. He was nine, and he loved cinamon rolls, he would always ask me to buy them, it was his favorite food. Even when i didnt have enough money to buy them, he knew what went on in that motel, he called it a motel, but it waz really a run down low star hotel, Anthony wasnt naive about what happened to me nearly everyday. But i called him that cuz he loved cinamon rolls. *Lil' Toni: waz one of the 1st nicknames i gave him, because i still consider him my little boy, even if he waz only 9 at the time. *Antonio: He would have pillow fights with me, while listening to music. He came up with the name Antonio when we would roleplay in the pillow fights. *Lil' One: i would always call him that cuz he was my Lil One. *BroSkiiSkii: i forgot how this one came about. *MnM: he loved MnMs so i called him MnM *Child: i call everyone child, but it started with Anthony. *Lovebug: i just called him this, cuz i thought it was cute. *Curious George: he was always curious about alot of things. And was always curious about the next day and/or what would happen next. *MoMo: MoMo was also a nickname that i just came up with. *Anto: a nickname he came up with, he never told me what it meant tho. *A-Skii: A, short for Anthony, well thats obvious, but i mixed it with BroSkii, to A-Skii. *Ace: i always think that the Ace and The Joker are the most important cards in the deck, so i called him Ace, cuz he was the most important thing to me. *Annnnnthony: i loved to joke around with him and make funny voices and stories and i always extended his name, when i was in a joking mood. *Smart One: i used sarcasm a lot, and when he would smart off to me or Kimberly, i would always say "hold on smart one" i would laugh, he mostly smarted off to Kimberly and she wouldn't like it, i was overprotective over him and would literally do anything for him, so i would get hurt instead but him, Anthony never liked Kimberly, i think nobody did either. And it was obvious why. *Sweet Child O Mine: he loved Guns N' Roses, and whenever we would sing that we would dedicate it to eachother. *Mamas Boy: Anthony was a Mamas Boy, so that name was obvious. *My Son: hes my son, but he would never leave my side, instead of me saying "thats my boy" i would say "thats my son" i was proud of him all of time, and i was proud to be his mom, not by blood, but by heart. *Jay Jay: tbh i forgot how i came up with that one. *Trouble Maker Jr: i was the original trouble maker, he would try to take after me. But i wouldn't. *Izzys Angel: like Charlies Angels, i named him Izzys Angel, cuz hes my angel, duh. Lol. *Lil Angel: hes my angel. Period. *My Love: hes my love to infinity and beyond. *My Sweetheart: hes my sweetheart, and always will be. *Mister: "what are u doing mister" i always said that. *Beautiful: he has a beautiful soul and heart. *Lassie: he loved dogs, and anything that had to with dogs. *Strong One: hes extremely strong. In every which way possible. *Smartass: he would be smart to Kimberly or me, and i would say "ok Smartass". But Lil Toni was my favourite one to call him. __Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez "Tyler" (Me) Hi I’m Izzy Magdalinoz 🙂 and I’m here for everyone, I like to help people, I’m sharing this I really don’t care, I wanna help the broken and the hurt, cuz I was in there shoes, here’s my story, part of it actually, a short summed up version, stay strong and keep fighting the battles not over yet.... I’ve been thru traumatic events all my life since I was 4 years old, from abuse, rape, the streets, foster care, shelters, 199 mental hospitals, self harm, I’m a great full recovering addict and alcoholic, my dad died, my mom is my life, homeless 9 times, never had a home , spent life locked away in treatment centers, group homes, crisis centers, foster homes, I’ve been drugged up, almost killed, arrested, I have anger issues, skitzoaffective disorder, bipolar, adhd, ocd , autism, anxiety, depression, insomnia, dissociative identity disorder, I’ve been on mostly all physiactric medications, I’ve had suicide attempts , I’ve been thru a lot , I’ve done a lot , but I’ve rose a kid named Anthony when I was 12, while my drug dealers drugged me up and raped me, my roommate Kimberly is dead , I was in bad situations when I was on the streets, I don’t even know who I am, but this is my story, I don’t care I’m posting it on here, I know it’s personal. But I needed to share this, whoever is reading, u are not alone !!!TRIGGER WARNING!!!!Time to get personal, I don’t trust a lot of people, but it’s time to open up, , here’s my WHOLE life story. “Yo, it’s me again, Izzy Magdalinoz, I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic, I use to forget about my pain, I went to rehabs, I’m 19 years old, my dad died In 2011, but he abused me since I was 4, but I couldn’t tell my mom or he would sell me or kill me, so I had mixed feelings, I was homeless 13 times, out on the streets, getting arrested, in fights, almost been killed, I rose a 9 year old kid named Anthony, he was I an abusive foster home, so me and my motel roommate took him in, I was mentally unstable and unfit so CPS took him away, and I never seen him since, after that Kimberly tried to kill me in my sleep with Ambien , a meth needle and vodka , I woke up in an ER, and she killed herself, I was raped by my drug dealers which also drugged me up , people on the streets, and by someone I don’t wanna talk about, I was in Foster Care a couple times, Angela and Jimmy, a foster home called GPS with staff instead of parents, and with Lisa, I’ve been in 201 mental hospitals, lock down treatment centers, one in Utah called Copper Hills Youth Center, multiple treatment and crisis centers, group homes, rehabs, shelters, the streets, been in car accidents, I’ve been arrested and detained by a lot of cops in Corona, I have anger issues, been kicked out of multiple schools since 7th grade, I’ve attempted suicide over 50 timesX I’ve self harmed on multiple occasions, I have bipolar , depression, anxietyX l, insomnia, skitzoaffective, ptsd, ocd , dissociative identity disorder, attachment disorder, and AutismX , I’ve helped the homeless and people In hospitals, been on mostly all psychiatric medication, I’ve never had a stable home since 2011, now on December of 2017 I’m finally home, I love to help others cus im used to people not caring about me, I have trust issues, im always there to help to care to make sure there ok and I don’t stop, make them feel better, I hide behind a smile, stay strong, the battle isn’t over yet, aye it’s Izzy Magdalinoz, your NOT aloneX this is my story”-IzzyMagdalinoz Hey xx my name is Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez, and I am a drug addicted alcoholic with 1 year clean! I’m 21. I know rock bottom, hell, trauma , pain, and darkness from top to bottom x I’ve been homeless 13 times, 215 mental hospitals , I’ve done mostly every drug, I have a sponsor now!! I’m on step 2 and going to NA meetings every Sunday! I literally read the whole NA basic text book xx I have the NA Big Book as well as everything. I have been thru brutal hell/trauma/torture occurring 24/7 since I was 4, till July 2018. Can we please , have a moment of silence For the addict who still suffers In and out of these rooms Y’all are enough man, my drug dealer moved back into town, and he’s tortured me, I have had over 10 different drug dealers, my drug of choice is meth and herion. I lost my unbiological son , who I met in one Out Of the three foster homes I was in, my deceased ex girlfriend tortured me and made false accusations against me that I gave Anthony drugs, and I had to sell myself , prostitute, get tortured , drugged, abused, raped , almost killed etc etc so I can provide a home for Anthony , I was raising him as my own, I was homeless at the time, again. I failed rehab twice, at Cedar House . And I’ve been to 3 other rehabs. I’ve got a criminal record which has been cleaned after I became an adult . This Is For The Addict Or Alcholic That Might Die Tonight The One Who’s Killing Themselves Or Getting Tortured For Drugs 3 out of the many of my drug dealers. Have tortured me brutally I don’t use to “look cool” I use to numb my pain I first thought it would take my pain away I now have severe brain damage Plus over 10 mental illnesses , It was MY CHOICE I remember lying on the side of the street , I lost my mom , I lost my self I lost my life, and I wanted to die I’ve been thru mostly every traumatic thing, experienced mostly it all, and done mostly it all No pity no sympathy no attention ... I have lived and seen death, hell, and I’ve been down this road I’ve been around the block Not saying any of you havnt Cuz I don’t know u #YouKnowMyNameNotMyStory #DontJudge I’m here for all of y’all Y’all are enough and y’all are worth it I’m greatful all of u are alive today And if any of y’all need me, cuz I’m here Feel free to contact me I believe in all of u xx Keep holding on I know it’s hard But I’ll be your hope God; Grant Me The Serenity To Accept The Things I Cannot Change The Courage To Change The Things I Can And The Wisdom To Know The Difference AMEN! Keep Coming Back It Works If U Work It One Day At A Time! Hun i know hell and darkness I know rock bottom and back I know pain and trauma from top to bottom. Im 1 year clean and sober off all drugs and alcohol Fight the fight. Dont let the fight win u. Ive had brutal hell && trauma 24/7 from 4 years old (im 21) till july 2018 I was sleeping under bridges, sidewalks, sides of the street i have been homeless 13 sperate times My problem? I help everyone and everything obsessivly. I got the cops called on me AGAIN today. But your enough Keep fucking shining. Dont let anyone dim your shine. Im here for all yall. -Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez Dont Judge, Unless You've Walked In There Shoes You Know My Name. Not My Story Its izzy. ;) Thank u for existing. Your doing the besr u can. Stay strong. Im here for u and here to help and be there in anyway shape or form i possibly can. No matter the circumstances. Thank u for everything x IM 1 YEAR SOBER FROM DRUGS AND ALCHOL xIt's been a wild ride my loves. Hey it's izzy. Imma be here for u no matter how much it takes. Cuz your a precious diamond. Just don't give up. alright 💛💛 🥀🖤A Moment Of Silence, For The Addict Who Still Suffers, In And Out Of These Rokms🖤🥀 Cuz basically all 10 + metal illnesses I have plus my past plus my current situation plus all my symptoms of all my diagnosis are multiplied by 10. I've been thru brutal trauma/pain/hell/torture/bad experiences since I was 4 (I'm 21) until July 2018. Occurring 24/7 I've been tortured abused raped almost killed. In 215 mental hospitals. No home from 2011-2018. Homeless 13 times,almost killed, drugged up lost many to death, my dad tortured me, 3 foster homes, many unlocked/locked treatment centers, group homes, shelters, rehabs, residential, been thru MOSTLY every traumatic thing, I have severe brain damage, anorexia, mom is very sick. I help to much. I can't explain what I'm going thru or what's going on. I'm the most high maintaince case in the system. I've attempted suicide over 100 times. Been on all meds /beej thru all sorts of treatment. I have anger self harm. I'm a hardcore addict. No stable home. Ive been tortured/abused/raped/drugged/almost killed most of my life. I'm tell u a little of my life story You all are enough you all are worth it you al matter, your life is not worthless. Hun I know what it's like to hit rock bottom and back several times. I'm here forcing if u need a friend I'll be there for u care for u help support show you your worth. I've been abused raped tortured homeless 13 times 215 mental hospitals bouncing from unlock and locked treatment centers. I've been in residential. My dad tortured me. I've had trauma 24/7 since I was 4 till july 2018 I got my son taken away. I've attempted suicide over 100 times im a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. No home from 2011-2018 I've been abused in all ways several times. I have skitzoaffective bipolar Anorexia ocd ADHD depression anxiety PTSD insomnia autism borderline personality, dissociative identity fued. I've been in rehab. I'm not trying to get attention I'm trying to show that y'all aren't Stay alive OK. You are important to me. I know I just met u. But I'm grateful for your life., LET GO AND LET GOD! Your feelings and life are valid If not today there's always tomorrow. Thank u for existing Stay You, And Believe In Yourself Don't Give Up Now, Yuve Come This Far This is Izzy, and I am a grateful recovering addict. 🖤__Izzy M🥀💚____________________ *The Meaning Behind "Tyler": Tyler X or "Ace X" or "XX" Fiaskko-Alvaro, is one of my main alters. I have many alters and i live among many alternate universes. Mainly NXSP, or Not Xactly Secure Program, is where my mind is mainly centered, when i was 9 years old, i sae a man, or a shadow, with a knife, on my bed, when i was living in Fernbank, and he told me to look him in the eyes, and i did, and thats when he became my master, and he tortured me, i shoulda never looked him in the eyes, or i probably wouldn't have had the many mental illnesses u have now. But i "raised hell" as Liz Ramos, who i claimed was my name, especially when i went to ETS mental hospital when i was 12, i told them my name wasn't Sara (Sara is my legal name) that it was Liz. And i go by Izzy now, i took the last name Martinez, from Anthony. Even if its not my real last name. Tyler was my second alter, also being mind abused by Johnny "JJ" Garcia. ____________________________ **About Angela/Andrea and Jimmy; [Angela/Andrea Miller]; Angela/Andrea Miller was born in prison, and almost aborted. Her parents were a religious couple, and her brother, Delacruz, would torture her behind their parents back, one day Angela hit her head against a brick wall, she woke up with no memory of anything, and couldnt remember her name, at all, she got diagnosed with "Multiple Personality Disorder" and became abusive and extremely torturous, she met Jimmy at a frat party, and they started doing drugs together, but Jimmy had no idea about her torturous side. She "switched" a lot, kinda the same situation as Dr J. And Mr Hide, but her good personality faded and Angela and Andrea became one personality. The extremely torturous personality. [Jimmy Miller]; Jimmy was always abusive, but never as abusive and his wife, Angela/Andrea Miller. Jimmys biological kids got put into foster care after being taken away by CPS, Jimmy grew up in an abusive single parent household, he was a wife beater and abused his kids. His dad was never around and his mom was addicted to crack cocaine and alcohol. Jimmy was a bully at school when he was in high school. Jimmy met Angela/Andrea Miller at a frat party. And they clicked as soon as they met, but still he had no idea about the "real side" of her, Jimmy offered to run a group home, which later lead to the foster home, but they never had a license to be foster parents, they took in Enji first, and thats how everything started. How i know this? I observed a lot. **About Anthony; Anthony is a 14 year old male. Who is my unbiological son, i bent over backwards for him, He got taken away after Kimberly Marie Olivarez, who is my deceased ex fiance, and Jeremy Carlos Baraz, who is my deceased ex friend. Both of them made a false accusation that i gave him drugs, which is false. And CPS took him away, he was 9 at the time, now hes 14. Hes turning 15 soon, and i miss him everyday. I raised him as my own. We never figured out who his real parents are. But he lived with his aunt and uncle Sarah and George Castillo, then with a foster family, With Cherri and Jose Martinez, then with Angela/Andrea and Jimmy Miller, where we were previously living, i left than came back for Anthony. I havnt seen him for years and idk where he is, i did my best to be a mother. And to take care of him, no Matter the circumstances. **My 4 Different Experiences W/ Anorexia; 1st Time: 2012; Weight: 77lb. I would starve myself till i passed out, i would obsess over calories, including refusing to drink water, i would excersise to the point of passing out, they rushed me to the ER, and i got fed through a feeding tube, i weighed down to 77lb and still thought i was fat, my bones were showing, i couldnt function, longest without food was 10 days, i drank ensure and made myself throw it up. I went into treatment for Anorexia Nervosa, my mom still isnt aware to this day. 2nd Time: 2015; Weight: 84lb. All i ate were saltine crackers, and i would starve myself up to 8 to 9 days, while in the process of doing that, i was in treatment, remember i didnt have a home from 2011 to 2018. So nobody was aware, i went down to skin and bone. I was homeless and bouncing from mental hospital, to treatment centers (unlocked/locked/involuntary/voluntary/short term/long term) the streets. And to rehabs, foster homes, group homes etc etc. I weighed myself everyday. People got concerned, and they admitted me to a mental hospital after i was on the side of the highway, and i kept blacking out, i was on a lot of drugs at that time. Meth mainly, and alcohol. I got taken to a mental hospital, and i couldn't leave till my tray was finished. And i had a 1:1 staff with me at all times to monitor my food intake, but i got past them, i didn't eat for a week, and they gave me the feeding tube again, and i had a huge hatred towards food. 3rd Time: 2017; Weight 98lb. I was in and out of placements and i starved myself for 6 days, then on the 7th i made it look like I ate. With my own methods. I was extremely insecure, and my mental illnesses got worse, people said i was skinny, but even at 98lb i still thought I was fat. I was sent to a treatment centre for eating disorders, and i still refused to eat, and i checked myself out. And then regretted it later. 4th Time: 2019; Weight: Under 130lb.?? Its been since late March or early April. And is still active at this time, i basically hate food. Its been months new, and my weight has been rapidly decreasing, i starve myself from 4 to 6 days, and on the 6th day i eat something small. Then i secretly throw it up, im not at an unhealthy weight, i exercise obsessivly and obsess over calories, i look in the mirror and i look fat, but everyone else saying that im Skinny, after the 5 to 6 days with no food, on day 7 i eat something small, then starve myself again, im blacking out more, and my mom wants me to go to treatment, i hate food with a burning passion, and im taking diet pills, but im over 1 year clean from all drugs and alcohol, im obsessed with losing weight and even after i lose to much. Its never low enough. 🔥🦋🥀This Is My 4th Time Struggling With Anorexia Nervosa. Ive been starving myself for so long now, that its become so easy to just skip days with no food. Food is my enemy & i hate food ' all food with a passion. Ive seeked treatment several times, ive gotten a feeding tube, and almost died several times. I count the calories and literally EVERYTHING. I excercise obsessivly. While i look in the mirror and see how fat i look, everyone else says i "look sick" and im "skinnier then i realize" __________**NXSP/My Demons____________ **Johnny "JJ" Garcia√: my 1st demon, he possesses me. He was born inside me as my master while i raised hell alongside him. when i was 9, i looked him in the eyes, and ever since then he became my master, and he possesess me, he said "pull the red wire, and that will kill me", which was a huge lie. I killed Johnny while i waz filming a documentary inside NXSP, he hasnt came back yet, but that made Mr Alvaro intensify and become worse. Johnny or commonly known as JJ, is the son of Presley/Wesley Garcia, or commonly known as "KnockOut 890xo" who is Johnnys master. But he is dead, after Erin connected NXSP with The Ends. And after Erin started a fire. He passed away in 2012. Then Johnny took after his dad. And now hes dead. **Lileth "Lily" Ramos-Garcia√: She got tortured, and abused in all ways by Johnny Garcia, Lily abused me, cuz i looked Johnny in the eye at 9 years old, and then became my master, asa well as Lilys master. Johnny made Lily his "bitch", if she leaves Johnny, he would kill her, torture her more, and report her then send her to "The Ends". Johnny tortured her so bad. That Lily lost all her senses. She died multiple times. **Elizabeth "Liz" Ramos√: My first alter, in love with Johnny. He tricked Liz thinking he was there for her, and got her back. Sold, abused and tortured her, and made her in love with the darkness and pain, she got sent to The Ends, several times. **Charlotte "Alexx" McMann√: Whos Alex is her alter. Was an addict and alcoholic, tortured herself and others to get crack cocaine, her drug of choice. Charlotte is a transgender Female. From male to female., The McManns are the lowest hunans in NXSP. The outkasts. She claims that Dancing Fire aka Lily, made Erin fuck up NXSP and thats why "The Ends" exsist and is why Johnny turned out the way he did and how Mr Alvaro (Michael A. Alvaro) was born. People thought Michael was born by Johnny but the truth is Dancing Fire created him., Johnny was Charlottes dad, and Presley was her grandfather. After Izzy killed Johnny, Lily killed Charlottes mom. After Lily injected false dangerous codes in her. Charlotte loses her senses and her memory. She claimed she didnt know who anyone is including herself. **Chris "Marlin" McMann: **Wesley "Presley" Garcia (Johnnys Abusive Master)√: is Johnnys master and biological father. But is now deceased. **Constance "CeeCee" McMann√: is my protecter from harm or any demons that try to fuck with me. She calms me down and is always there for me, she never leaves my side. I havnt heard from her. Later finding out she passed away, she is Erins sister and Charlotte's mother. **Dancing Fire "aka Lilys Alter" (demon like archangel misunderstood in the form of fire, might be another world trying 2 contact me)√: Dancing Fire came about when i posted a picture on Facebook, with me holding a lit up lighter, titled "Up All Night With Dancing Fire" and ever sense then it haz been getting progressively worse. I shouldn't have summoned it, but to late now. **Michael Alvarado-Alvaro√: Michael A. Alvaro aka Mr. Alvaro. was created by Lily aka Dancing Fire, Mr Alvaro is the master of Tyler "Roo" Alvaro. Connecting the dots, one of my main alters is Tyler XX "Roo" Alvaro (the good Alvaro). Mr Alvaro possesses me, takes control of me. And is the main demon whilst i have physcotic episodes and mental breakdowns, which i used to have 5 to 6 a day. Now it went up to 20 to 22, now 20 to 25 a day. Mr Alvaro comes in many forms. And he decodes me and everything around me. Hes my main demon now. **Tyler "Roo" Fiaskko-Alvaro && Izzy "Ace 8/Spizey/Ms_SweetInsanityyx/DrearyEyezx/Ronnie Irez"Magdalinoz-Martinez (Me)√: Who's first love was Michael Alvarado-Alvaro, who abused and tortured, sold and raped Tyler in every which way possible, everyday allday. Runs NXSP. Alongside Izzy. Helps everyone and everything obsessivly. I am the main character in NXSP, which is one of the alternate universes i live and dissociate into. **Chandy/Gladdis/Leon/Charlene/Raul/Ralphie/George/Michaela aka Michael (all characters from my movie, "Chandy Gone Crazy; 5:00 AM Im Trashed, Im Done" etc.): i waz portraying these characters so much that they came out life. **Erin Ramos√: Erin Ramos, brother of Liz Ramos, brother to Constance "CeeCee" McMann. Erin got possessed by Lily aka Dancing Fire, which he acted out and collaborated NXSP with The Ends. Which fucked up NXSP for good. **DANCING Squares√: DANCING Squares, commonly known as Erik Ramos-Garcia, is a demon that morphs into objects is shapes, which leads them to "have a force on me" its a human taking place as different shapes, and adds codes to them to make them possess me, they take place in a big square, and they dance alongside ceilings, walls, and come as different shapes, but the outline is always a square, thats why i made up the phrase "Dont Talk To The Ceiling, It Might Talk Back". **Duplicates of People√: thiz one is self explanatory, ever since 2012, i see two people instead of one. But one of them in the false version. **Bad Mommy/Good Mommy√: after my dad died, which i dont consider my father, i had visions of my mom abusing me. But i knew reality from fantasy. Scars on her face., Bad Mommy abuses me, but i can tell the difference. Cuz "Bad Mommy" haz scars on her face. **DANCING Squares√: DANCING Squares, commonly known as Erik Ramos-Garcia, is a demon that morphs into objects is shapes, which leads them to "have a force on me" its a human taking place as different shapes, and adds codes to them to make them possess me, they take place in a big square, and they dance alongside ceilings, walls, and come as different shapes, but the outline is always a square, thats why i made up the phrase "Dont Talk To The Ceiling, It Might Talk Back". **Duplicates of People√: thiz one is self explanatory, ever since 2012, i see two people instead of one. But one of them in the false version. **Bad Mommy/Good Mommy√: after my dad died, which i dont consider my father, i had visions of my mom abusing me. But i knew reality from fantasy. Scars on her face., Bad Mommy abuses me, but i can tell the difference. Cuz "Bad Mommy" haz scars on her face. **Bad Daddy/Good Daddy√: after my dad died in 2011 (tbh he tortured me in all ways, so im glad hez dead, i dont consider him my father) anywho after he died i was in denial, i have 10 senses. So i see dead people. Hes in my dreams. **Visions&Hallucinations of Past/Future√: My whole past, flashes by in my head vividly. My future i can see clearly. **Cones√: they are just floating objects. But mainly Cones, which i consider a warning sign, guiding me in the right direction, but sometimes in the wrong direction. **Red Dots: red dots leading me places, usually calling TAXI #1 THRU #10. **Flyerway√: Flyerway and basically me floating above the earth during near death, out of body. And dissociated experiences, i now dissociate all day 24/7 (also in a dream) but it USED TO BE 80% TO 88% A DAY. ,**Mr.OutOfDate√: this bitch pisses me off, 1. its basically when i have dreams/voices/visions/and obsessions over my mom dying. 2. Or when i live thru hell and darkness itself, like literally. 3. And lastly when i feel like im fading away closer to death. **NXSP (0ne Of The Alter Worlds I Live In As Liz Ramos, as I raise hell with Johnny "JJ" Garcia (I try to kill him on multiple occasions but I pulled the Red Wire && he got worse)√: NXSP, or known as "*Not Xactly Secure Program*", is one of the main alternate universes i go to, but its a dangerous (prison/hell/matrix/supernatural) world i go to. Thats where all my demons take place. It didnt used to be dangerous. Until Lily made Erin destroy the world of NXSP, by merging it with The Ends. **The Ends (The End Of NXSP it's worse than hell itself times infinity 100 percent)√: its worse than hell itself, basically you die and u never go back. But u get sent there while your asleep. And u never return. **Jonathan Maqranga√: Johnny and Alvaro tortured him, had a stepmom who gave him shit. I. Return of sex and getting tortured. From his brother's and sisters. It was rape and torture, he fell in love and the drugs. So he would do it. His dad left, he was around to protect Jonathan from the torture anymore, His mom introduced him to drugs at age 9, and he got addicted from that day on. His stepmom was actually Michael Alvarado-Alvaro. The other main person behind the torture. Was Lily Ramos-Garcia. His sister. **TwentyStepsForward√: TwentyStepsForward is a demon that i dont deal with a lot. But it's commonly known as TSF, which is the abreiviation of the whole name. TSF was born in a human demon body. But turned to ashes, after Johnny died. But it was later found out by me that this was Dancing Fires brother. **Edgar "Eddie" Alejandria√: Known as Eddie Alejandria (the main personality out of his 3 personalitys) , was a demon with no background to any other demons. But this demon was one of Johnnys servents. Eddie was in foster care his whole life. Eddie Alejandria is one of 3 personalities. 1. Eddie Alejandria: Main Personality 2. Chillwax Alejandria: Bad Demon (Devil) 3. Edgar Alejandria: Good Demon (Angel) , **Dancing Rooms: everything is like a labrynth, rooms dancing and turning around. And talking to me. **UglyBitterSky√: this one is the archangel who i use to take me from universe to universe. Why it was named UglyBitterSky, is because it was a misinderstood archangel, commonly hated by Lily. Or Dancing Fire. **TheFuckAllTheWayUpInTheSky√: created by Dancing Fire, basically the sky tries to change courses and universes. Without permission of NXSP, tries to send u a message, but it doesn't care, its a living thing. **Chillwax Alejandria√: Chillwax Alejandria is the 2nd personality out of the 3. But is the Devil Demon, as well as Eddie, the 1st and main one. And Edgar. The Angel Demon. **Dancing Rooms: everything is like a labrynth, rooms dancing and turning around. And talking to me. **UglyBitterSky√: this one is the archangel who i use to take me from universe to universe. Why it was named UglyBitterSky, is because it was a misinderstood archangel, commonly hated by Lily. Or Dancing Fire. **TheFuckAllTheWayUpInTheSky√: created by Dancing Fire, basically the sky tries to change courses and universes. Without permission of NXSP, tries to send u a message, but it doesn't care, its a living thing. **Chillwax Alejandria√: Chillwax Alejandria is the 2nd personality out of the 3. But is the Devil Demon, as well as Eddie, the 1st and main one. And Edgar. The Angel Demon. **People From My Past, A Vivid Movie Like Form Of My Whole Past From Beginning To End Flashing By In My Head (Random Times, Coordinated by Dancing Fire Themself): imagine all of my past, which some of u know 21% of it, oh well theres more. It goes from the very beginning in a vivid like movie detailed version of my past, to the very end of the trauma (2018) and whenever i start feeling good, Dancing Fire, cordinates it cus it wants me to go back in time and be constantly reminded of my traumatic past, so even tho it already happened, i relive it everyday and never really escape it. **ClosedOptions: this makes me go backwards. Programming negative stuff in my head that effects my every day living. **Josephina "Paid2Kill" Hernandez√: shes a torture, abuse, rape, street, domestic violence and suicide attempt survivor. Also got tortured in all ways by Johnny Garcia and Michael Alvarado-Alvaro. Josephina was in foster care. She died 21 times, then 11 times after that. But not on her own. Pills darkness pain and death was her addiction. She jumped off a bridge and became a "vegetable", but shes been in NXSP 3 times. But the 4th time she came up to NXSP, she got transferred to another unit, but was to "high maintenance" so she went back to NXSP.

[kiansguidetobeingafuckup]

Playing Mr. Back at it again

The forbidden ex. I never told the full story. I couldn’t handle the full story. But now I think I must tell it. I met him in 6th grade, he was in 8th. The very first thing he said to me was “hey my friend thinks you got a nice ass!” I was high af that day. My dad had died like 6 or 7 months before. I was still grieving heavily which will explain why I was so fucked up walking home from school. We walked the same way home. His best friend’s sister was a good friend of mine. His best friend was even worse than him tbh. I remember I had a dollar in my bra and he asked for it and I said no and he threatened to take it so I said “its in my bra so you can’t get it” and he said he would ripped my boob out, take the dollar and leave me with my tits out on the side of the street. By now you’re probably thinking why did I ever date this guy. Im getting to that. Everyday walking home, him and his best friend would grab and squeeze my boobs and ass. They’d call me a slut or easy A and offensive things. Any other girl would beat them up. I was a scared girl. I was told that saying no and fighting only turned them on more and made them more aggressive. I was told to make it easy for myself; sit still and shut the fuck up. But it didn’t make me feel any better. I knew my dad would have protected me like he did all those years. Walking home was a burden and then I avoided walking that way altogether. Couldn’t run for long, he didn’t live that far. I saw him again late that summer. He was still the same. Although his best friend backed off bc he knew his friend liked me. He even encouraged him to ask me out. I was mad at his sister, She hated them both. And so I went out with him to piss her off. Stupid right? I broke up with him like three days later. Took him back. Broke up with him again. took him back, this time we stayed together for quite a while. I had consensual sex for the first time with him. It killed me inside. However, as soon as we began dating, he wasn’t such an asshole. He was really shy and sweet. I started falling for him which explains why I took him back twice. Then I got scared. I didn’t want him to leave me. I had no one at that time. My dad was dead. So I scared him into staying. I told him if he left that someone would hurt me. Some guy I made up with a friend’s help named Kevin. I told him all sort of crazy and intricate lies. It was working. He wanted to protect me and he wanted to stay. But I kept pushing him and pushing him. He started cutting himself and his anger issues were developing rapidly. So, I told him the truth. He was okay at first. Then he dumped me. Then he started flirting with my best friend. Both my best friends turned against me after I told the truth. Bc in order to keep up with the lies, I had to tell all three of them the same lies. So losing a boy I was in love with, and my two best friends killed me. Ofc I hated myself more for lying to them. Shit just went downhill until I attempted suicide. Took a bunch of pills. Mom didn’t want me to go to the hospital. Idk why. She just kept yelling at me and hitting me. Like that helps. I don’t think I ever experienced a depression so deep. The drugs made me a little crazy. I thought I was in hell. Idk to this day if I slept at all. It felt like I stayed up crying and then I somehow woke up. I was cutting like a maniac. Wrote so many depressing poems. Tore apart everything that reminded me of anyone who left me. Including the last memories of my dad. I did nothing all day but played movies as background noise so no one heard me crying. Then I had to stay with my grandma. I was able to use a phone again but the ex and the ex best friends were even madder bc I disappeared for days. Thats when I found out he was flirting with one of them. I felt betrayed but then I felt that I deserved it. It hurt like hell nonetheless. I wrote a long apology letter out of desperation and left it at one of the ex best friend’s door. Didn’t mention the one flirting with my ex in the letter bc I didn’t know what to say to her but ofc she got mad that I didn’t apologize to her as well. It took a summer of animosity but beginning of the school year, I had both of my best friends back and another bf. A better bf. Then I cheated on that great bf with the forbidden ex. Stupid and in love. Then i dumped that great bf for the forbidden ex who cheated on me not even a week later. Then I dumped him. Then I was pregnant. But his gf was also. And he was ready to father her child who wasn’t even his before mine. Then the baby died. Then he hated me again. Then, after I told him everything, he asked to be intimate with me despite his gf. I said yes because i was stupid. He basically used me for sex bc he didn’t want to have sex with his slut of a gf. I did it to make up for what I did. In fact, i gave up 3 perfectly good bfs to make up for what i did. I stayed in pain and unhappy rather than moved on with someone better. The death of the baby killed me. So much was killing me. I was so emo, it was sad. I drank bleach like liquor. Cut insults to myself down my arms and thighs. While he was with someone else. And then I heard he was dating one of his best girl friends. The one that was like a sister to him. The one whose boobs he played with only to tell me he was just playing. The one he told me not to worry about. Crushed me. I felt that I had taken on enough pain to make up for what I did. But no. he tricked me into coming over one day. Said he was depressed and needed me. I was there bc I was in love. But he took me into this bando. Started kissing me. When I said no, he said “you resisting turns me on”. So I made it easy for myself. I laid still and kept quiet. I cried. But he didn’t notice. And when he was done, he finished inside. Threw my clothes at me and sent me to school. I cried all day. A few days later, I attempted suicide again. This time I did go to a hospital and was baker acted. Fun. That’s when I met the very first girl I fell for. That’s another story. I dated him again weeks after I got out. Broke up with him for the best bf I could have asked for. He tricked me again. Called me over. Said he was feeling suicidal. Just to fuck me. Dumbass thought I was wet. I was on my period. (Side story: I thought this great bf of mine cheated so I dumped him trying to be strong. I took it like a g. A year later, I find out he didn’t cheat but I did and he hates me or doesn’t care for me anymore. Still hurts.) I didn’t take him back after that. I made him work. That great bf made me stronger and more confident. the forbidden ex fought hard. Played the victim the whole time. He was constantly rejected and uncared for almost a year. Then I took him back. It was fine at first. But he wanted forgiveness. I was still so hurt by everything. But I did it. I forgave him. I was happy. But he was such a negative person full of misery. And he was dragging me down. So now, we’re on break until he gets that shit together. And that’s the whole long ass story