#im letting the depression thoughts slip this one time because i don't know how to channel them

[ultipoter]

[python333]

your writing is literally the best in the cod fandom. we need more injured reader angst. it's too good

don't breathe — python333

— — — —

synopsis [reader] gets buried alive after refusing to give intel to enemy soldiers and *slips up and writes reader almost dying again* oops how did that happen haha

relationships platonic!price & gn!reader.

characters cap. john price.

word count 2.7k

warnings suffocation [reader], just generally really depressing thoughts, near death??, 2nd person pov [you/yours/yourself], usage of c/n [code name/call sign].

note aww tysm :(( dont say its the best im gonna get a complex LMAO but i appreciate it!! and yes i agree injured reader angst ftw :3 i present to you: reader gets very injured and theres a lot of angst and its basically just you suffering for a good 3/4 of the fic while the last quarter has the actual comfort!

“Hello?” You try again, your voice cracking and your tone as desperate as it can get, “Please, God, say someone can hear me.” 

You’ve been trapped in a casket for about five minutes now—at least, you woke up five minutes ago. God knows how long you’ve been stuck in the stupid thing, but realistically, it’s probably been much longer than five minutes.

The last thing you remember from before you were buried is being in the interrogation room of some small terrorist group’s facility, one you and the others were led to believe was abandoned weeks ago. 

Unfortunately, whoever gave you the information must’ve either had incredibly outdated information or was setting you all up for failure, because the facility was very much not abandoned and was instead full of enemy soldiers.

You all had already gotten into the building before you knew that, because of course you all had to be in the same spot at the same time—practically sitting ducks for the enemy—and of course you all had to be clueless about the possibly hundreds of people in the facility until it was too late. 

As far as you know, everyone managed to escape. Everyone but you. They didn’t mean to leave you behind, of course they didn’t, they were more focused on just booking it out of the facility. However, because of that, you were now stuck—you assume—several feet underground in a casket that has a limited amount of oxygen that drops every time you take a breath. 

You let out the breath you’re currently holding and suck in another deep breath, holding it as you think. Your strategy of holding your breath until you no longer could mostly worked, but it wouldn’t for long, you knew that soon you’d suffocate in all of the carbon dioxide gathering in the enclosed casket.

You don’t know how long you’d been unconscious in the casket, breathing in oxygen carelessly in your slumber, which made the whole situation worse. You didn’t even know how much time you had left. 

You hate to waste your breath checking your comms, but the enemy soldiers had accidentally left your earpiece in your ear—the small device apparently going undetected under their radar—and you wanted to make the most of it. You move your arm from your side and press onto the PTT button on your earpiece, wincing a little at how cramped the casket was.

“Does anybody copy?” You ask again, staring up at the almost pitch black space above you, “I repeat, does anybody copy?” 

It’s a vain attempt at contacting your team, really. You don’t know if they’re thinking about you, if the signal is going through, if they even have their earpieces on—you know nothing, and that terrifies you because you really don’t want to die right now but there’s literally nothing else you can do besides helplessly talk into your earpiece, not knowing if anyone’s listening. 

Your lungs start to burn and you let out the breath you were holding, taking another deep breath and beginning to hold that one. The air feels… thick. It’s starting to get harder to breathe, and you know you shouldn’t panic but you can’t help the few worried thoughts that come to the forefront of your mind. 

What am I going to do when I run out of oxygen and the only thing left for me to breathe in are my own discarded breaths? What will I do when all there is to do is suffocate? Am I going to try, in one last desperate attempt, to break out of the casket, or am I going to just lay here and die? Will my team try to find me, or will they forget about me? Have they already forgotten about me? 

Before you can listen to any more of those depressing thoughts, a voice comes from your earpiece. 

“H—lo? [c/n]?” It’s hard to tell with the static and the cuts in between the words, but you think it’s Price talking. 

“Price?” You ask immediately, all thoughts of preserving your breath forgotten. “Holy shit, you can hear me?” 

“Je—s— whe—e—” He cuts out for a moment and your stomach drops when all you can hear is static for a moment. 

“You’re— You’re cutting out, Captain, what did you say?” 

“Wher— —re you?” It takes you a moment to realize what he’s saying, your mind working much slower than it usually does, but once you do you shake your head negatively despite him not being there to see you. 

“I don’t— I don’t know,” You respond, taking a deep breath before adding on, “I think I’m underground, I just know I’m in a casket and it’s getting harder to breathe and—” 

“Okay, o—y,” You hear Price’s voice crackle, his voice becoming more distant and sounding almost muffled to you, “Sa— —ur bre—th, I’ll try to g—t some—e to track your— —tion.” 

With the constant cutting out of his words and the distortion of his tone, you can barely register or process what he’s saying, and that only panics you more but you refuse to let your emotions get the better of you even in the state of disorientation you’re in, so you keep holding your breath. 

A minute later, Price’s voice crackles through your earpiece again. 

“Okay, we’ve got your loc—tion,” Price’s voice sounds… oddly far away, “We can—” 

His voice slowly becomes muffled, and you release the breath you were holding without realizing it, slowly blinking up at the ceiling of the casket. A sort of haze falls over your mind and you can barely even hear Price anymore before you suddenly snap back to reality and hear his now much clearer voice loud in your ear. 

“[c/n]? [c/n], are you still there?” You recognize his tone now, and you’re just a little shocked at the sheer amount of worry in it. 

“Haven’t moved an inch,” You breathe out, before lying, “You cut out for a second for me, sorry.” 

“Don’t be sorry, it’s okay,” Price reassures you, “I said we got your loc—tion and we’re hea—g out th— —w. It’s not t— far away from where —e alre—dy are, we’re ba—ely three clicks away.” 

“… Clicks?” You ask, your eyebrows drawing together in confusion.

“Yes, clicks,” Price replies, sounding concerned, before hesitantly asking, “… You know what those are, right?” 

“I don’t—” You struggle to find words for a moment before you speak again, your own voice starting to sound distant, “I don’t think so?”

“What do y—u mean you don’t thi— —o?” Price asks, his voice sounding freakishly close, “Are you okay?” 

“No, yeah, I’m fine,” You lie through your teeth, not wanting to worry Price further, “I just… how far away are you?” 

“Just ab—t two cli—ks now,” Price says, before pausing and clarifying, “Two kilometers.” 

Two kilometers… how far is that? “And that’s… is that far, or?” 

“No, it’s not too far. It’s just a mi—te away, we didn’t ge— —o far before Laswell got your loc—tion,” Price tells you, “We’ll be there soon, ok—y? We’ll get y— —ut of there.” 

“A minute—” You cough and feel tears pricking at your eyes from how hard it is to take another breath, “A minute?” 

“Yes, a minute— [c/n], are you okay?” Price asks again, before laughing nervously, “You know what a minute is, do— —ou?” 

“...” You struggle to answer the question, thinking long and hard for a few seconds before hesitantly answering, “… Yeah, I do, sorry. It’s sixty seconds.” 

“Why’d it take you so long to answer?” 

“I don’t know, I’m sorry, I—” You take a few shallow breaths, and feel a headache start to build up, “How far away are you guys?” 

“We’re alm—t there,” Price promises you, “The heli’s ab—t to l—nd, and we’ll dig you up, and—” 

Why is it so cold? Price’s voice cuts off and when he stops talking you realize that you’re shivering. You ball your fists up and can’t even feel your nails digging into your palms, your hands having gone numb from the cold, and realizing that makes you discover that your lips feel numb too. 

Your ears start to ring and you feel that uncomfortable pins and needles feeling in your hands, the sensation slowly traveling up your arms, making you both wanting to peel off your own skin and also grateful that you can at least feel something besides the cold.

In the midst of your thinking, you hear muffled thumping coming from above you—whoever buried you couldn’t have buried you anything below six feet. 

“—llo? [c/n]? Are you still there?” 

You bring your hand up, the movement slow and sluggish, and you try to search around the side of your face for your earpiece. You eventually find it and when you do you press against it until you feel the PTT button being pushed. 

“Still here,” You confirm breathlessly, coughing again as you take a few more shallow breaths, “I think I’m running out of— of… what’s the fuckin’ air that you can breath in, it starts with an o…” 

“… Oxygen?”

“Oxygen, yeah,” You slowly blink up at the ceiling of the casket, “There’s— I think— I don’t… I think… I think I’m gonna pass out, Captain.” 

“[c/n], don’t you fucking dare,” Price growls, “You stay awake, I swear to fucking god.” 

“I can’t—” You take a few more shallow breaths, before coughing, the tears escaping your eyes reaching the corners of your mouth. 

You can hear Price briefly talk with someone else, his voice the most serious you’ve ever heard it, before he talks directly to you again, “How much longer do you think you have before you run out of oxygen?” 

It takes you a moment to register the question, but when you do, you answer, “Uh… I don’t— I think… maybe a few more minutes? I can’t tell, it’s just hard to breathe, I can’t…” 

“Okay, okay,” Price softly says, gusts of wind blowing into his mic as he talks, “Give me a second, okay? We’re almost there, kid, we’ll— we’ll be there in just a minute, we just passed over you, I just need you to stay awake.” 

“In a minute,” You repeat to yourself, before taking a deep breath, hoping that you have enough oxygen to make it out of this casket because you really don’t want to die here, not when there’s help just a minute away. 

After what you assume is a minute or two, instead of thumping, you hear something cut into the dirt above you. The sound, however, is heavily muffled, so muffled to the point where you don’t know if you’re hallucinating or not.

Is that a symptom of CO2 poisoning? Hallucinations? You lay still in the casket and can’t help but release the breath you’d only just taken, the ringing in your ears starting up again and growing louder faster than they had before. 

Your entire body is numb, your chest is heavy, and you can feel a sort of fog fall over your mind. You can distantly hear Price yelling through your earpiece, but you can’t find it in yourself to respond, instead simply laying there, your blinking starting to slow down before it eventually stops, leaving your eyes closed. 

— 

For a moment, you think you died and went to heaven, which would be weird, considering all the things you’ve done in your life. Not saying you’d go to hell, just saying God would probably hesitate for a second before letting you in through the pearly gates. 

You blink awake, slowly but surely, and the first thing you realize is that you can feel things again. You tilt your head down to the bump under the white bed sheets laid on top of you, and squeeze your hand into a ball, watching the bump move and feeling your fingers dig into your oddly sore palms.

You let out a sigh of relief and pull your hand out from the sheets, bringing it up to your face and feeling the oxygen mask that’s been placed over your mouth and nose.

“Don’t mess with that,” You hear a voice say to your right. You turn your head and see a very tired Captain Price, dark eyebags hanging under his eyes and arms crossed, his hands having a white knuckle grip on either one of his elbows. 

“…” You don’t say anything, instead you simply stare at him until he sighs and gets up from his seat. You watch silently as he leans over your bed and bends down, before pausing, and then quickly snaking his hands under your back to pull you up just enough for him to properly hug you. 

You reach up with shaky hands and tentatively hug him back, not nearly as tightly—not that you don’t want to, but you physically can’t with how weak your arms are right now—but with just as much sincere affection. You can feel Price’s beard rubbing against your neck and hear his small sniffles as he embraces you tightly. 

Maybe it’s his sniffling, or the way you can finally feel warmth for the first time in what feels like forever, or maybe it’s just the fact that he’s holding you with so much care and affection that it almost makes you burst at the seams, whatever it is, it causes you to tear up as well. 

Those tears quickly become sobs that bubble up in your throat and crawl their way out of it, forcing you to tuck your head into the crook of Price’s neck and muffle your sobs in it, muttering a small ‘sorry’ after each one. 

After each ‘sorry’, Price responds with, “It’s okay, let it out, sweetheart, you’re okay,” and those reassuring words only make you cry more because God, you didn’t even think he’d find you, yet here he is, letting you cry into his neck and is reassuring you after every apology that it’s okay. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry—” You mumble a litany of apologies into Price’s neck, your breath stuttering and hitching as you try to hold back your sobs. Price only shushes you and rubs his hand up and down your back in a comforting gesture, bringing his head up to kiss the top of your head. 

He tucks your head under his chin, “Don’t apologize, it’s okay. You didn’t do anything wrong.” 

And fuck, you know it’s just words, but it only makes you cry more. 

Your sobs eventually stop, leaving you hiccuping against Price’s neck, silently crying as he continues to rub your back. 

“I thought you died,” He whispers, his hand stuttering on your back, “I thought you died and I was going to dig up your dead body, when you didn’t answer me.”

You stay silent, letting him continue, “I thought you were dead when we dug you up and needed to feel your heartbeat for myself to confirm that you were still alive.” 

He pauses for a moment before continuing, “I’ve been here ever since they put you in here. I haven’t slept, I’ve just stayed here, waiting for you to wake up so I could tell you that I—”

He chokes up for a moment before taking a deep breath and continuing, “I’m sorry for not even thinking to drag you out of the facility with me when we all ran out. You were— you were right there, and I couldn’t just grab your arm and take you with me, I just had to leave you behind and I—” 

“You watched me while I was asleep?” You ask quietly, your eyebrows drawing together. 

Price pauses and pulls his chin off of your head, and pulls you away from his neck so he can properly give you the most incredulous look he can pull, before saying, “I’m pouring my heart out to you and apologizing for practically leaving you for dead, and that’s what you’re worried about?” 

“Well, I’m not worried, I’m just—” You shrug, not knowing how to explain it. Price sighs and chuckles quietly before tucking your head back under his chin. 

“You’re insufferable,” He mumbles, sniffling a bit. 

“… I forgive you, by the way,” You say after a moment of silence, “I didn’t really blame you in the first place.” 

“You had the right to.” 

“Sure I did.” 

“But you didn’t blame me.”

“Right.” “…” Price stays silent for a moment before pressing another soft kiss to the top of your head and saying quietly, “You should blame me.” 

“Maybe,” You mumble back, “But I won’t.” 

Later, maybe an hour later, if the others see you asleep in Price’s arms while he keeps your head tucked under his chin and rubs your back affectionately—no they don’t.

[hidtired]

A Single Punch [Part 2]

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

Description: The aftermaths to the line up leaves you with serious injury. With most of the group to believe you dead. How will your recovery go at Hilltop? How will people react to seeing you?

2.6k words

Warnings (much angst, injury, near death, depression, recovery, typical walking dead shenanigans) [happy ending… eventually]

(Daryl Dixon x Reader) Masterlist

Your POV

The steady hum and rocking of the truck bed is what woke you from unconsciousness. The wind ripping around you. It was hard to breathe. Even more so when you realized that you were next to two bodies, presuming that they used to be your friends. What had happened again? A bat? Line of your family being chosen for death. You were one of those chosen. The thought of "I'm alive." While not necessarily feeling like it. You were alive. Your body moving on it own slapping the back of the truck with your bloody hand. Bloody and very broken if the sharp pain sent threw you didn't tell you anything.

The sharp pain making you groan and rolling into yourself. A wheeze still in your lungs. You felt like you were spinning. The loud bang of the tail gate making you jump. Everything felt wrong something is wrong.

"I can't, please it hurts."

Sasha flinched when you spoke. Believing for a second she dreamt it. But your small whimpering and sobs made her drop closer to you. "Y-your still alive- I don't-" Your face and hair were covered in your own blood. Not knowing the location its coming from. Sasha pulling herself together after the initial shock. She turned to Maggie who stood wobbly and in shock seeing you trying to move and talk. Your speech was becoming incomprehensible now. Sasha slipped off a layer of clothing to hold to your head. She turned back to Maggie again, ''Go get back into the car!" Sasha felt you go still again. She had to move fast. Jumping over the side of the truck closing the tailgate. She was not letting Negan have you to.

Days later...

You opened your eyes groggy and confused. Looking over to see Maggie in a bed herself. You try and move your hand up to remove something blocking your right side of your head. Expect your hand stopped bounded to the bed. Maggie heard you move and slowly approached you, "Shh, your safe." This wasn't your first time awake but it was the first that you were more aware.

"W-wha?" Your speech was slurred. But Maggie saw it in your eyes. For the first time she saw you in them. She sniffled, "Y/n thank goodness. I thought you were..." She shook her head and put a hand to your shoulder. "I'll be right back ok? I need to get the doctor?" You simply tried to look at her face trying to gauge what was wrong. She sped out the room leaving you to stare out after her.

She came rushing back into the room with a man. He was speaking to fast at you but they were questions asking your name and if you knew where you were. The man shined a light in your face. You tried to look away from the light because it hurt. You looked at the man with squinted eyes, "H-errrs-sel?" You looked back to Maggie with a questioning look. Only to get a sad look back. Sasha then came through the door in a haste hearing you were awake again.

"Is she doing any better?" She huffed out of breath. The man you had zero clue about simply looked back to you and sighed. "It looks like the swelling in her brain is reducing. I don't know the extent of the brain damage she will have, but her chances of survival just increased." Maggie sighed with the first bit of good news about you. Tucking a strand of your hair behind your ear. She smiled at you. You with having no clue what's going on simply mirrored her back with your own smile. You try and raise your other hand but not feeling it at all you look down to see your arm in a cast and bound close to your chest.

The man who you couldn't place, doctor man, started talking again. "Its only been 2 days, for that much time she is doing better then I could have ever imagined. I think she may have taken most of the blow to her hand. However, head trauma is always unpredictable." They jumped at the sound of your gasp looking at you to see what was wrong. You were just looking at Maggie looking her up and down.

"Ba-baby?!" Maggie moved closer to you and started to try and sooth your worry. "Is fine, the baby and me are ok." You relax back into your sheets. Dr. Carson simply studied you. "I would like someone to be with her at all times now. She could have a stroke or start seizing. She still needs to be bound to the bed for all are safety. If she is still awake in a hour try having her eat or drink." Maggie and Sasha both nodded and looked at each other giving a determined look.

Few hours later you were still awake having to be reminded to 'keep your eyes open' and 'need to stay awake.' You would ask things, try to at least. Most of what you said didn't make sense to anyone but you. The worst was the look on your face remembering about something or someone that was lost along the way. When you were asking about a baby you were meaning Lori and Judith. You knew something with a baby was wrong and that was the only one you could think of until Maggie said that her and her baby was ok that you remembered.

The longer you were awake you would get better minimal but still better. But you began asking for something they couldn't give you.

"Dar-ryl?" They always try to come up with something. 'he is on a run' or 'he is out hunting.' But that didn't stop the want for him. You were frustrated at the broken bits of your brain. You knew Daryl always put those pieces together.

Daryl POV

His cell was cold, dark, and always seemed to have one song playing on loop. It was torture. Not however as much torture then the loss of you was. He never knew the kind of love she gave him. She was a first, and now last. The pain in his shoulder and face from the beating he has gotten were nothing like the one in his heart, his soul. That night replayed over in his head. He thought about how he deserved to have gotten killed not Glenn. He cause Maggie to be a single mother now. He deserved this. Being here.

He thought back to when Rick lost Lori. He didn't understand then. But sure as hell did now.

The door handle started to move, the music cutting off, assuming he was getting the normal moldy bread and dog food. Dwight walked in throwing the food down to the floor. "The sooner you join the sooner this will stop." Daryl all but chuckled, "and what become like you?" Now that pissed Dwight off, striking a nerve. But Daryl lead on more, "I get it. Your doing it for someone else. But I don't have that anymore." Daryl sent a look that could kill. Dwight only studied him and shook his head at him. Throwing two polaroid to the floor, "Someone else doesn't have that anymore either." Before slamming the door shut. The music came on but then changed to a more somber tune.

Daryl hesitated to pick up the pictures before doing so and seeing the images with the smallest light coming from under the door. Yours and Glenn's bodies. His breath hitched looking at it. You the women he loved and a friend who would still be alive with his wife and child if he never existed. He lost it. Sobbing. Broken.

He made a promise to not just you but himself that he was going to do right by you. He still had a mission. By the end of it this place will be burning to ground. Even if he had to go with it.

Maggie POV

After having to deal with a man like Gregory she needed to clear her head before it was her turn to sit with you. Making her way over to were Glenn and Abraham were buried. She was met by Enid staring down to the graves.

''Enid?" She walked over to the young teen and hugged her. Enid sniffled before explaining why she was there, wanted to see if she and the baby were ok. Enid gestured to the two graves. "I didn't know which one was his." Enid the paused, "Why is there only two, where is the third?"

With that Maggie smiled and waved her hands to come follow her. Enid was confused at the action. They stepped into Jesus trailer were they all have taken over at this point. There Enid saw you, she gasped in surprise and disbelief at the sight of you. You jumping at the noise. Breaking your focus from a card game that was to help your memory. Also keeping you distracted. Sasha sitting next you surprised to see Enid, "Are you with the others?" Enid shook her head while approaching your table. "How is this possible..." She sat down across from you. You simply stared back but continued with your cards pointing to one for Sasha to flip. You were struggling with mobility.

Sasha sighed catching the hint and continued flipping cards for you to match. Enid looked at you more closely. Your face was still swollen and was a mix of purples, blues, and yellows. The top to the right of your head had a part of your hair shaved with stitching. You looked pale. Your speech has gotten better but you were just to tired to speak much. It showed in your eyes. You still had your arm in a cast brought close to your chest by a sling. Watching Enid study you Maggie decided to add some insight. "We didn't know she was alive until half way to Hilltop. Didn't know if she would make it even a few days after."

Enid look to you with pity. She saw how sick you were even before leaving Alexandria. At least that seemed to be better. Maggie cleared her throat, "How is everything back at Alexandria."

Enid explained about how they took and trashed everything back home. Maggie could only scowl at the thought of them. At the mention of how they brought Daryl with them and he looked to not be doing to well but still alive. You had looked up and just stared intently, "He ok?" With you gaining some abilities back it was harder to lie about what happened. You had yet to know of his capture and Glenn's death. It was only a matter of time before you found out.

Your mind seemed to be other wise fine. Most of the trouble was how it was trying to move your body. Walking was going to need to be learned again. When you got your right hand back writing and holding things as well. Nothing time couldn't fix. Maggie was the person to mostly look after you. You were a welcome distraction from her mind.

Later that day was when you said something that shook her. To see your mind healing and remember. You were just staring out the window while the sun started to set.

"I was a mercy kill."

You went to sleep shortly after. It was probably time to tell you the truth. Before you could think of all the worsts before hand.

Your POV

Being woken up by Jesus pulling you out of bed with haste and to carry you and hide you under the trailer was not what you were expecting. He was saying 'their here' and 'need to stay here and be silent.' You were laying under the trailer in dirt. It was finally catching up to what had happen just then. You didn't know all the things you probably should but you knew it would come naturally. While you lay there waiting for Jesus to tell you it was safe you remember that a few days ago you thought he was the literally Jesus for a second longer then you would like to admit.

You saw men taking things all around you. These were the asshole who did this to you. You remember when you woke up in the back of the truck. Two bodies beside you. You knew one was Abraham but didn't have the guts to ask who the other was. You just couldn't handle it at the moment. Others thought that to if they didn't say anything about it.

You were starting to get cold. But you saw that the men were leaving now. When the men were gone you don't think you could get out of there by yourself if you tried. When a group of people were quickly making your way over to you, you sighed ready to get up out the dirt. It was Maggie's voice you first heard. She sounded like she was panicking, "Did you hide her? Where is she?" She sounded to be directing this to Jesus. Then you heard a voice that surprised you, "What? Hide who?" It was Rosita. They got closer to you before Jesus spoke and lent down to were he put you. "She's ok, I put her here."

Jesus start to pull you out revealing who you were to Rosita. You just popped out being dragged by under your arms. "Hi" She gasped and lent down to help pick you up off the floor. "Your still alive..." she looked about ready to cry. You smiled, "Damn r-right I am." You would have had more trouble standing if Jesus wasn't helping but also leaning into Rosita while hugging you helped. It was Sasha who came to help you back to your bed while the others talked some more.

It was later that evening eating dinner when everybody was in Jesus's trailer. Everyone was talking while you stared at your left hand trying to move it to the best of your ability. Your body felt like it had latency that's why is was so hard to do anything. You and Maggie were now on your own with them taken Dr. Carson. You sighed and looked around you decided it was time. You needed to know.

"What happened that day..."

It went quiet before all eyes went to you. It was Maggie who first tried to start but Rosita cut in. "What do you remember." You bit your lip and look off into the distance. "Seeing what happened to Abraham, I was struggling to breath... I remember the feeling of the bat. I didn't pass out as soon as it hit me. I froze. Played dead even." You paused before sucking in a breath, your voice was still slow and looked to take a lot of focus to do, because it did.

"I woke up next to two bodies..."

Now is when Maggie spoke, "Daryl had punched Negan after he hit you." You sucked in a breath and held it. "He tried to kill you unprovoked, I don't blame Daryl." She looked into your eyes. "Negan killed Glenn." The air in your lungs released and a shaky hand came to cover your mouth, tears filling your eyes. The room was silent for a moment before she spoke again. "Daryl punched him and distracted him from you. Negan would have kept swinging at you." You closed your eyes to soak in the information. You were alive at Glenn's expense. "There's more." You opened your eyes to look at her.

"They took Daryl as there prisoner."

Part 3

Feedback welcomed and requests open!

Reunions coming next part :)

Also little disclaimer I’m really dyslexic so sorry with grammar or spelling that is messed up!

[thecosmosdefys]

Hiii would you please write smth for simon with an s/o who has depression and anxiety disorder??:'( the details don't really matter, you can write it however you want and it's ok if you don't wanna do it… hope you're doing great and have a nice day💕

Simon Riley who helps his S/O with their depression & Anxiety

Pairing(s): Simon Riley x GN ! Reader

Warnings: Depression, Anxious thoughts, Anxious and depressive behaviors

Synopsis: How I think simon riley would deal with your anxiety & Depression

Author Note: Peekaboo! Tis I cosmos!!! I saw this request at work and decided to write it as soon as I got home, for right now I really only have the energy (as well as time because im about to head back to work) to do headcanons but I hope you enjoy them!! (their more like mini blurbs

I feel like Simon would 100% understand if you told him you had anxiety or depression. He wouldn't be the best at dealing with it but by gods he would do his best to help you with your problems! Like truly he would!

Say idk your room in your apartment is just... really bad. You havent left in ages, and you stopped texting Simon? He's there in an instant. Once he realises your super depressed hes like "alright luv lets get started" and he's helping you clean, wash your clothes, ect.

If you can't find the energy to shower he's drawing a bath and helping you slowly strip off your clothes. He slips you into a nice warm bubble bath and either slips in with you or helps wash you from outside of the bath. He cleans your skin and then does your hair for you making sure to wash it without getting soap in your eyes. He might blow bubbles at you to make you laugh.

If you can't cook or something and maybe don't have the energy, he makes meal plans on sundays, so he starts including you. So when he cooks ahead for the week, he also cooks stuff he knows is your favorite meals and then drops them off on monday.

Would definately invite the 114 over for a little suprise day spoiling you, expecially if he knows being around people helps you. He will plan a movie night and invite you over, and you walk in and all the boys are just sitting there eating popcorn and movie snacks. As soon as they see you its just a huge dog pile of hugs (they almost knock you over)

If your anxious in public he will gladly hold your hand and do all the talking for you. You don't want to order because your stomach is in way too many knots? He already knows what you like and he will order it for you.

Most dates he will try to keep at home if he knows that your anxious in public. You want to see a brand new movie but don't want to go to the movie theater? He texts you to come over one night and he has practically made his living room a movie theatre. Lots of blankets, snacks, pillows for a pillow fort, and a little basket for each of you.

If you have relationship anxiety he is definitely reassuring you all the time. its almost like he knows what youre thinking before you say it out loud? (I swear he's a mind reader) He can tell by your tells when your anxious and he's calming you down already.

If you have anxiety attacks? He's comforting you instantly pulling every coping skill he can out of the book. He is putting loop earbuds in your ears and then breathing with you. Having you name the 54321 thing, and everything. Even has a little sensory/anxiety kit ready for you on the go in his car. He is no stranger to anxiety.

[romana-after-dark]

The Wrong Way (Dark Ending): Going Under, Part 2.5

Raider!Joel Miller x Fem!Reader

Raider!Tommy Miller x Fem!Reader

Spotify Playlist

Summery: After you give birth to Ellie in the cabin, Joel fins you and Tommy, besting Tommy in a fight. What happens to you? What happens to Ellie, Tommy, Lorenzo and the rest of the family Little One has acquired? How does Little One learn to cope with her new reality? Does she fall into the darkness that surrounds Joel and all he touches? Can Joel really change for you and your daughter?

WARNINGS FOR FULL FIC, NOT CHAPTER BY CHAPTER UNLESS SOMETHING NEW IS ADDED AFTER MASTER WARNING LIST: DEAD DOVE DO NOT EAT!!!! Fic contains graphic depictions of sexual assault, rape, molestation, dubcon/non con. MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH WARNING, graphic violence, murder, manipulation, the horrors, Joel being Joel, Tommy being kinda pathetic, Joel's weird sexual fantasies, breeding kink, abuse of power. Just.... all the bad.

Extra warnings: again on the suicide. Post partum depression heavyyyyyyyyyy feelings inadequecy, joel's mind games are getting to her... but shes smart and shes fighting for her life.

Last chapter before things start looking up. Im having a little trouble making the chapters mesh together right without being too long bc chapter 1 was supossed to end with the deaths, but gooooood it was getting too long so i had to totally readjust. so yeah, this one is short too. don't worry, I do have a cohesive plan and an arch, im not going into this blind.

*****************

You didn’t leave the room much anymore. You left to use the bathroom, but honestly sometimes Tommy nearly had to drag you. June had to beg you to eat, always trying to make your favorites and you felt bad knowing she was largely slipping into the position you had been last month and you didn’t want her to have to take on all that… but you didn’t have the energy to do anything. All your time was spent caring for Ellie: breastfeeding, diaper changing, holding her… all your energy went to raising her.

June and Joel were your only company. Tommy wasn’t allowed alone with you, understandable under the conditions, but you missed him terribly. You wanted to talk to him alone, talk about what happened, how he and you had sex, how you promised to love each other. You were going to run away together, Tommy raising Ellie as his… he was supposed to be her dad, not Joel.

You were just thankful Joel didn’t seem to have any doubts Ellie was his… if he thought she was Tommy’s baby, she’d be dead. Did Tommy miss his almost daughter? Joel, for his part, was enraptured with his daughter. He changed her, got out of bed when she cried, took her outside and made sure she got fresh air and sunshine… a doting father, the kind of man she would have happy with in another life; but this was not the Joel that raised Sarah. 

Joel always dressed Ellie the way always dressed you… he didn’t dress you anymore, because you rarely changed. You didn’t move from the bed hardly at all, so there was no real need. In the month since her birth, you had yet to go outside and had no desire to change that. As the sun began to shine on your face, waking you, you felt you jaw hurting from the blowjob you gave Joel last night… he’d remained away from your vagina and allowed it to heal which you were thankful for, but the sex options were depending on his mood. Good days he fucked your thighs or allowed you to jerk him off. Bad days he used your asshole, although he’d managed to find an old stash of vaseline he was using as lube which eased things. 

Last night had been medium, so he let you blow him, even letting you take control… you were thankful for the little things.

“Morn’n to my beautiful girls.” Joel yawned out as he stretched.

“Good morning.”

He side eyed you for a moment, and you tried your best to smile… you couldn’t let him know how badly your families death affected you, how much you missed them all… With a kiss, he set about his morning routine: Change Ellie, give her to you to feed, burp her, go for a walk with her, bring her back and get ready to ‘work’ as he called it. If he felt he had some time, he’d lay a blanket on the floor and let her have ‘tummy time’ or letting her feel different objects or encouraging her wiggling. He’d proudly told you last week he thinks she’ll be rolling over early.

‘She’s strong.’ Joel assured you. “Dolly’s gonna grow up to be strong young woman.” Since when did Joel like his women strong? You wondered if he’d change his tune when she actually became her own person, when she questioned Joel and the world around her as all children do. Ellie was small of course given being premature but had been growing healthy. With lack of medical technology it may be hard to tell if she had issues such as hearing, sight, or heart problems, but Joel seemed thrilled with her progress. In these moments, he seemed like a normal dad. 

So why didn’t you feel like a mom?

You loved you daughter. Of course you loved your daughter, it was almost impossible not to, not when there was a primal, biological tie… And it’s not like you didn’t like her either. Ellie was a good baby. Sometimes she had trouble sleeping, but so did you. No, the problem was with you. Always you. Joel had been right, Ellie deserved a good mom and no matter what, you couldn’t rise to that, you couldn’t match Joel’s parenting, you couldn’t be the mom she needed… When you looked at her… all you felt was guilt.

She liked Joel more, that was clear… Tommy tried to tell you that was normal, that kids go through phases and it didn’t mean she hated you… but you had your doubts. As you watched Joel change her, speaking to her so happily as you heard the household begin to wake up… you couldn’t help but feel their bond was stronger… Ellie liked her more… and that was only ever going to continue. By the time she’s a preteen she’d going to hate you, she’d going to realize you’re a bad mom, she’s going to realize you were weak and pathetic and a cheater and stupid just like Joel said you were.

“Oh little one…” Joel’s voice called you and you turn to see Joel finishing up dressing Ellie in a warm onesie for their walk. It was getting colder. “Honey, why are you crying?”

You were crying? Your hand lifted to feel the tears… yeah, you were. “I didn’t… I didn’t realize I was, I’m so sorry.” You tried to act like everything was fine, please don’t get made, please don’t hurt me…

But as Joel brought over a fussy Ellie for you to feed, he wrapped his arm around you, looking sympathetic. “You’re having a hard time, aren’t you?”

An understatement, but yes. “Maybe… maybe just a little.”

He sighed, massaging your neck and god, that felt nice. “How about you come with us on our morning walk, might make you feel better?”

That sounded exhausting. “No, I think I’ll just-”

“I think you should come.” He wasn’t asking. 

When Ellie was finished, burped her and put her in her swing before giving it a little push and walking to the wardrobe. “So many nice clothes…” It’s almost as if he was reminding you of what you had. Eventually he settles on a sweater dress with wool stocking… the dress was your favorite color.

“You always look so beautiful in this one.” He praised, off your shirt. “Fuck…” Joel groped at your breasts and for a moment you thought he wanted to fuck you… but he simply sighed. “I can’t wait to make love to you for real again, show you the love you deserve.”

Joel assisted you in dressing from sliding on the bra that didn’t quit fit right with the changes your body had made since breastfeeding, to rolling up the stockings, to kneeling before you and tying your shoes. It made you feel like before, made you feel taken care of… childish, but in the sense that you don’t have to worry about anything, that everything would be handled for you… you had missed this. 

He helped you get into a light jacket, dressed himself, then picked up Ellie and placed her in her pram that you kept in the room. Joel was very particular with Ellie’s things. They stayed in the room so no one could harm her by messing with them.

When he opened the door, the view to the kitchen surprised you. June was cooking breakfast and Tommy was standing nearby… very nearby. He was talking to her and she was laughing at whatever he said and you couldn’t help the jealousy inside you. He was supposed to be yours… Now June was his wife, and it appeared like neither were too upset about it. Could you blame him? She was beautiful, she was soft, she was funny and adventurous… all you did was lay in bed and mope. June was making the most of her situation, why couldn’t you do the same? Joel took care of you, provided, protected… all the things a man should do for his wife. You were a bad wife. Ungrateful, spoiled, useless. You were a bad mom.

June called your name, smiling nervously at you. She didn’t interact much with Joel from what you say, but she tended to mumble things under her breath which always caused Joel to double take… but she was always by Tommy’s side when she did. Would Tommy protect her? Still, your friend smiled brightly at you while Tommy looked caught. “You’re up!” She didn’t mean it like that, but it felt like a slap in the face. You hadn’t moved for a month.

Joel spoke for you when you merely nodded. “We’re going for a walk today.” He said with the arm that wasn’t on Ellie’s pram around your waste. “Would you like to join us?” You didn’t doubt the offer was genuine; Joel wanted the 5 of you to be a happy family together.

Tommy looked to June. “Would you like to go?”

You could see the back of June’s head nod towards their room. “We’re in the middle of breakfast.” She turned around to look at you. “Can we go tomorrow? We’ll plan the day a little better, this was just last minute idea of ours.” June smiled up at Tommy.

“Tomorrow it is then.” Joel confirmed, and ushered you outside, picking the pram up to carrying it down the porch stairs.

You thought of that day a whole year ago, even longer actually… the night after Joel branded you, violently and public raped you, leaving you to be devoured by a pack of wolves… he had taken you outside to watch the sunshine, bundled up in his arms… warm, somehow so safe… he’d been different, after that. With the exceptions of choking you and the incident with Tommy and the gun, he didn’t hurt you until the night he hung you. Were you really playing off choking you so hard you saw spots and putting a gun to your head a one off’s? What had happened to you? You supposed you never knew much better with your father… but you should have. Maybe Joel was right, maybe you were stupid after all. Just a stupid bimbo housewife that was only good for being his breeding bitch. 

“I have a… a meeting, today around noon but I’m gonna cancel everything else. Taking the rest of the day off to be with you and Dolly, okay?”

“Okay… yeah that sounds. Nice, actually.” And you were being genuine. It wasn’t Joel you were scared of… it was the crushing weight of being a failure as a mom, a wife, a sister, a friend, a daughter… Did your dad ever think of you? Because you sure think of him, especially when you wake up from the nightmares.

You can see Joel smiling from the corner of your eyes. “Maybe you can start joining us on these walks? Quality time as a family is so important.”

It’s also important for the child's mother to be able to take a piss without an escort… but that's neither here nor there.

Joel seemed to read your mind. “Maybe… maybe it’s time you have a little freedom… you’ve been good. Last month was just a lapse of judgment, right? We both made mistakes. There's no reason I should punish you forever.” Except you murdered my brother.

You wouldn’t know what do with that freedom. You didn’t want to go anywhere, do anything… You didn’t even really want to live… but you couldn’t leave Ellie. You’d failed her in every way but you could keep her fed… the nutrition from your body at least was enough to help her grow, so you weren’t completely fucking useless.

“Here” Joel stopped the pram and dug in his pocket, pulling out a jackknife… the one used to kill Nick, the one you stabbed him with… He pressed it into your palm. “Stay in the yard, keep this on you… but you can leave without me or Tommy, okay? When the wether warms I can build you that greenhouse you wanted…” Joel took your hands in his, touching foreheads. “I already started radio chains to trade for seeds you want… whatever you want to grow on the farm, the greenhouse, any livestock, pet… it’s yours.I want this to be your home, little one. I want us all to be a family. That’s why I spared Tommy, you know that, right? I know how much you care about him… and June, I bought her for you… everything had been for you, for Dolly… so we can all be happy together.”

Did he love you? He had to, right? He did it all for you… for your family… he loved you… Why did you run? Why did you mess up what you had? The home you made here…

No.

No, Joel hung you from a tree. He punched you repeatedly in the chest so hard you bruises for weeks. He raped you. That’s how this all started, Joel raped you. He called Ellie Sarah sometimes, he was delusional, cruel, a bully…

But then why was he so good sometimes?

Everything hurt, everything was foggy… but the walk did feel nice.

When Joel noticed you were tired, he ushered you back to the house, weak from birth and the lack of movement… but your heart rate had gone up, you felt the sun on your skin and fresh air… maybe this could be a new start? You had freedom now. June made the best of her situation, maybe you could too. You had her now, after all… 

Joel and you played with Ellie for a while, and for once you actually felt engaged in your daughter. She was strong… already wiggling and looking like she was trying to roll over. You notice how she tries to keep her eyes open, taking in the world around her… curious, beautiful little thing… 

You made that. She was half you… if she was half you and 100% perfect, there had to be some good in you, right?

Joel left for his “meeting” (probably murder, but he liked to talk like he was a businessman from before), June and Tommy entered to keep you company. You missed Tommy, you missed Tommy so fucking much… Tommy was supposed to be her dad, would he have been as attentive as Joel? Joel had said he was a good uncle, that him and Sarah were close. Did he think of Ellie as his daughter? Did he long for her? After promising to raise her, after loving you… fighting for you both, he had to feel some sort of personal connection, right?

You look at the man you thought, for a few brief hours would be your husband… your savior… “Tommy?” You say, hopeful. “Would you like to hold her?”

Tommy looked at Ellie for a long, long time. For a moment, half a second, he reached for her, then turned on his heel muttering something about having to insulate the chicken coop before the first big freeze.

You were gutted. 

June swooped in at that, quickly coming to grab Ellie and take her to her crib. 

“Let’s take a nap, okay?”

“Y-yeah, okay.” You agreed shakily as you settled into bed… Tommy rejected Ellie. Tommy didn’t want Ellie. Tommy didn’t want you…

The whole time you thought Tommy was yours, he was seeing Maria and god knows who else on the side… then he ditched Maria for you and you thought that maybe, just maybe, he was yours… but Tommy didn’t want you anymore. Tommy didn’t want to be Ellie’s dad anymore. 

Tommy didn’t want to be a family anymore.

And with that realization, the tiny bit of self worth you’d gained was shattered.

“I missed you, you know.” June said as she wrapped her arms around you. You and her used to sleep like this sometimes at the farm she grew up on with you. Zach usually slept at the end of the bed… you all felt safer like that, even though when your dad wanted what he wanted from you and June, he usually got it. Sometimes, though, Zach was too much to deal with. Sometimes he put up enough of a fight Jaimie backed off. That fight got him killed. You got him killed. You got Lorenzo killed, Jack, Maura… and if you weren’t careful you’d get June killed too.

“I know, I missed you too.”

“I worried constantly… I wanted to do something but… it was like at the farm, you just get lost in the helplessness.”

“I know.” God, did you know. “I wouldn’t have wanted you to do anything, you would’ve gotten yourself killed. I’m not worth it.”

June sat up, saying your name with shock. “How can you say that? Sweetheart, look at me.” June coaxed your face to look at her. “You are worthy of protection, okay? You deserve to be safe.”

You didn’t know if you believed her, but you believed she believed it, and that was enough for the time being.

**********************

Tommy tommy tommy.... what are we going to do with you?

I swear, little one finds her voice the next chapter!

For the record, i stand by tommy in the alt ending being a loving father, husband, and friend. in this ending he's just... well we'll see. It's nothing crazy bad but yeah.

@pimosworld @rubyfruitjungle @moriartyyouwhore @k-ra @the-fox-den @jenna-ortega @alwaysmicado @lunar-ghoulie @ladynightingale @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin @maura-honey @fandxmslxt69 @my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog @miraclesabound

[dewdr0pz]

omfg i need to RANT about this song gives me the fucking FEELS

tw: mentions of SH & depressive episodes

when i was going through a really bad depressive episode, I couldn't find a *single* song or artist that actually wrote songs about what it actually feels like to have depression. It was all "i'M sO eMo BlAaH i HaTe PeOpLe RaAa 💀😖🖤" & it was so obvious that they thought being depressed was a quirky little personality trait. It never felt *real*. & then I saw this song & I cried from the joy who hearing a song that was quite literally somebody recording what goes on in my mind during a depressive episode & turning it into a song.

"I look so much better, so I guess I'm alright" = Before I first heard this song, I was flooded with people telling me how much happier I seemed compared to last year, & how I looked more upbeat & less tired & dead. & I was a bit better, but I wasn't completely happy. & I was convinced that I had to be happy because everybody thought I was happy. This all applies to "I don't know if I can get better for you" because I was also plagued by this idea that I *had* to get better, I *needed* to get better because I needed to be the comic relief & the happy one in the friend groups, or everybody would leave me.

"My head is burning like a machine, tryna cool it down I figured I'd have gotten used to this by now" = One of the many factors that led me to a depressive episode was being really overworked & overwhelmed. I was working as a junior counselor at a BGC for zero pay, & the staff treated us like we weren't there, & the kids were either too touchy, or they were awful. Kids in the group that I worked in were either clinging onto me at all times & not letting me get a second of personal space, or they were screaming & being rude to me. & when I would discipline them, I turned into the "mean counselor" that none of the kids liked. I would've gotten a cash reward for "Best Jr. Counselor" if it wasn't for a few kids who thought I was a monster for telling them to act. & I thought, at the time, that this was really weird because back in 5th grade, I was also a Jr. Counselor, & I loved it! I was never stressed when doing it & I could handle it. & I had dealt with similar situations. &, call me cringe or cliche, but that's when I realized I was a burnt-out "gifted kid," the one who went from all the parents thinking I was responsible & a great counselor to being told off by my boss for being "rude" to the kids.

"I've gotten nearly everything I ever hoped I'd have So why am I still sad?" = At the time before the depressive episode, I was convinced my life was perfect. I had decent grades, a friend group, good art skills, teachers who loved me, & creative ideas 24/7. & when these started to slip away, I was in severe denial & I had convinced myself that I still was the perfect gifted child, so there was no reason for me to be sad over all of this.

"I tear myself in half" = I really *was* tearing myself up during this time. I was screaming at myself in the mirror & hurting myself whenever I messed up or didn't do something correctly.

"I didn't think that it would ever get this bad" = When I was younger & I first learned about self-harm & depression, I thought that would *never* happen to me. After all, why would you voluntarily hurt yourself? I would *never* be that sad. & then when it finally happened, I was shocked because I didn't think it would ever get that bad.

@zuuriell @somebody-v @vibestillaxxx @crows-death @r0ckstardr3amgal @ogelizasoot @lexx-the-gay-rubber-ducky @mochamuff1n im now torturing you all with my insanity :)

anyway sorry bout that lil rant :)

[lookatthativebeenimpailed]

Let me just spitball something... I am traveling in Croatia right now and we were talking about things that change you. Specifically studying abroad. It's been on my mind ever since my tour director mentioned it. I wasn't gone long. Maybe 5 months, it was only a semester. But she was talking about the reverse culture shock. The way that being alone abroad changes you. How people don't understand when you're changed or really why. And that it was really the beginning of the end in my relationship. Whats more is we were only together like a little over a year when this happened. But if I really think I came back different. I wasn't the confident girl who left. Being alone challenged me in a way that was beyond what I could handle. It set in motion the clear, slow and steady decline of my mental health over the next three years. I realized I wasn't as strong as I thought and it scared me. My boyfriend fell in love with the confident girl who had a sense of self. I lost myself. I didn't even realize it until this moment the impact it had on me. I morphed myself into a version who mirrored him and was only concerned with making sure he never left. It's a striking realization. And a rather tough pill to swallow. I still don't know who I am or what I want or what job I want despite having two degrees. Who am I? What do I want out of life? I cover up with humor and smiles but my eyes are still sad and dead. I'm not depressed and I'm managing okay. I'm just lost maybe. Like a ship without a sail or stars to guide it.

How does one go about finding themselves in the world. I have no sense of style I don't not know how to dress myself. But I also don't know how to dress myself. I want to throw everything I own away and start over. Obviously that's unrealistic. Or reinvent myself like literally become a different person. It's so stressful I could actually cry. I am so at a loss and so lost about where to go with my life. Please fucking help me. Of course who helps me will be me but I can dream that some magic fairy godmother will come out of the ether and fix me and make me all the things I want to be.

I've also somehow decided I'm ugly. Like seriously. I look at old pictures and I have to be ugly. I have a decent figure but I am fat and I am so uncomfortable in my body and I don't know how to tell anyone because no one sees this side of me. I am always the confident person around those I know and I'm so fucking tired. I'm tired of being strong. Tired of pretending im good and happy. I'm not depressed to be clear. I know what that feels like and I'm not showing signs of slipping but seriously wtf do I do? Even my best friend doesn't get it. I don't think anyone even knows the real me or is aware enough to know. Literally no one notices me. I'm invisible. Literally. Insignificant. People say I'm important and they love me but I'm always an after thought. People don't message me or check on me or text me or even notice. How long would it take for people to notice I wasn't sending messages and being around. Probably way longer than my ego would allow me to think.

So here I sit. Having alone time on vacation because I love my people but I feel so alone. I just want to be honest without someone judging me. I want to be open and struggle and have someone love me and hug me despite all of it. Not leave me. Love is conditional and it should be. But I want someone to know ME and decide that I'm enough. That isn't too much to ask.

[shadebloopnik]

Angelic Alastor AU [Colored version heree]

"Some friends are personal Guardian Angels, don't you think?"

Only through centuries of practice did Alastor remain still, hands ever as graceful as it smoothened the picnic blanket under them.

"Whatever makes you say that, my dear?", he'd ask.

The curly haired woman hummed to herself, placing a finger on her chin in thought.

"Hmmmm, well it'd certainly explain what you are to me, don't you think? Why our very meeting came straight out of a novella! A poor damsel being saved from the maws of danger!"

Alastor chuckled at the other's dramatics, the woman having placed the back of her hand on her head, and flopping onto her back to the blanket below.

"I pulled you out of the way of a falling pot, not exactly fairytale material."

"Still!", the girl bounced back up, her curls threatening to slip out of her tie. "It counts Allie! And then you go on to accompany me and become my very best friend, imparting wisdom and guidance as I traverse this life. Guardian Angel I tell you!"

"Well, someone has to have proper common sense between the both of us.", Alastor would say. Madelaine had a good head on her shoulders, primarily a no-nonsense girl in the face of the cruel reality before her, but she was a idealist deep inside. A clever dreamer who always saw the good out of everything, even with hopeless things, like her so called mate. Alastor opted not to bring it up, remembering their numerous spats over her so called boyfriend and how he should "Give him a chance Allie! He's a sweetie just see!". Really, with how clever she was, she needed to have better taste in men, she's too good for that.

"Nevertheless Maddie, it warms my heart to know that i'm an angel in your eyes. Recognizing greatness as it is there's hope for you yet!", Alastor flashed her a teasing smile, a hand on his chest to exaggerated how touched he was.

"Hmmph! Certainly the most devilish one I've ever seen!", She giggles, and Alastor couldn't help but smile wider. Oh dear you have no idea how right you are.

"Devilish appetite perhaps, 'cause if you're not fast enough, I might just eat all these treats by myself." He positioned a hand on the basket, moving to grab at one of the beignets.

"Hey mister! I spent all morning on those honeybuns!!", she laughed, quickly swatting away his hands as she laid out their spread on the blanket. Allie always had a way of making her feel loose, free in a way that went beyond what was socially appropriate at the time. He didn't care for social proprieties, or gender roles, treating her as he would anyone. He acted above such frivolous things, as mysterious as he was charming. Eating pastries like this, enjoying the afternoon sun in a quiet spot at the edge of the woods, singing songs with her very best friend, there was nothing more she could ask for.

————————————

Sooooo, I can't just move past Alastor's canon mom and NOT include her in this AU- im weak okay- and I figured he'd need to have some human influence anyway for the whole radio thing.

Alastor ends up being pretty depressed and a shut-in in heaven when the two fell. Most didn't see him for weeks or months at a time. Sometime(not sure abt the timeline yet) he ends up frequenting Earth in secret a lot. He ends up meeting Madelaine, or Maddie for short.

He becomes her best friend, encouraging her free spirit, and enjoying her company, making him genuinely smile and laugh for the first time in centuries. He learns a lot on human things from her, picking up the love for radio from her as well. Its also because of her that he stuck around a lot in the human world around that time, meeting others like Mimzy as well.

Maddie thinks Allie(the name he chose to adopt), is a bit weird. He doesn't seem to fully grasp some social cues, and thinks himself above expected roles. He doesn't treat her any different despite her background and gender(in fact he never seemed to mention it at all???). He helps her with her hair, and dresses, and lets her go loose without ever mentioning how odd it was. She loves all his little quirks, even if she thinks it odd(like how he doesn't ever look any older)

[thenegotiator444]

Dear diary,

Today i logged how many times i thought about her, hopefully this doesn't go in vain.

Hopefully, one day, i'll laugh about it.

People always tell you that eventually you'll move on from a heartbreak. But people don't often tell you how horrible the process is.

For me, it's her, she's the heartbreak i never asked for.

We broke up because of small details, the small details you kept bottled up inside, all those thoughts, one day will explode, and when they explode? Nothing.

Nothing?

Yes, nothing. You see, all you get is a soldiers minute, all happening at the same time, the minute before, it doesn't matter. The minute after, it doesn't matter.

Nothing?

Yes, nothing, like a calm before the storm, like the white flash before bombs explode, like the big bang before it explodes.

Then, you get everything, all at once, don't let it overwhelm you, because this is the only chance to move, to make the deal, for me? I did what i do best, i negotiated, negotiated to you, to your gods, to my gods.

Sadly, as good as i am with words, i can't control yours. I know it slipped, you can take it back, but you didn't

"I think we should brake up"

---

Got tired, writing from the heart is exhausting. Will continue when im not depressed.

[bitimdrake]

im curious how would batman!tim and robin!damian work in a dick dies universe? since tim isnt adopted and that probably means damian is going to tolerate him a bit more? but like, batman tim is almost always Dark Future Tim too, to how would that go? personally i think the only way to salvage this is by doing Batman!Cassandra and Robin!Damian, but id like to hear from an expert!

(in reference to)

Oh I don't think it works at all!!! This is not intended to be functional! The conceit here really is that Tim tries to do something out of a sense of responsibility/obligation except ultimately it fails and everything sucks, because the universe where Dick dies in infinite crisis is an inevitably bad one.

(I mean, you could write a version of it that works out, but that would really require nudging Damian's characterization, to an extent that imo would not be able to remain in-character. I might still enjoy it, because I'm a sucker for stories of people who don't like each other learning to get along, but...it would be a stretch. I really think Tim and Damian coming around to like each other requires Dick to be there for Damian first.)

Tim not being adopted might soften Damian a little bit, but my interpretation was always that Tim being Robin--being Bruce's partner--was the greater source of his resentment. I did propose in my "what would happen if dick did die" theorizing that Tim and Bruce might drift apart and not end up entirely close, so that might make Damian less insecurely jealous and bitter towards him. But it also leaves Damian with even less reason to respect him, if Tim (seemingly) doesn't even have the endorsement of being Batman's partner.

...or maybe in the brief time they knew each other, Bruce still managed to say something complimentary about Tim to Damian and/or Bruce and Tim were still a united front in the face of this new element, so Damian comes out with the exact same resentment anyway.

Now, the silver lining for Tim not going evil future Batman is that Cass and Alfred and Cassie are all still around, and Bart and Conner come back right about when Bruce 'dies'. (Steph is also back, but things are very awkward/tense between them at this point, so I don't know if that really counts as a mark in his favor.) I think that's too much of a support system to let him slip fully into the dark side or depression.

...but that still doesn't actually make the "being Batman" or "trying to be responsible for Damian" parts work out.

Batman!Cassandra and Robin!Damian, though? That's a great solution. Hmmmm potential story thoughts under the cut:

OKAY. Tim takes after Dick in the "emotional support child" determination to fix everything, so in the aftermath of Bruce's death, with Dick not around this time, Tim feels compelled to try to make it work. He can't give into his own emotional struggles, because Dick isn't there as a safety net to pick up the slack. Clearly Tim must Fix Everything.

And in the same way that canon Tim broke a still murderous Jason out of prison because he thought Bruce would want him to have a second chance (does he still do that in this AU? not sure. we could lean on the butterfly effect to avoid it, or could leave it), he thinks Bruce would have wanted Damian to be looked after and trained. And since clearly Tim must Fix Everything, Personally, Himself, that means he must also be Batman (which Gotham needs), and try to look after Damian (which Bruce would want). And probably he can win some points by giving Damian the Robin name he's been gunning for the whole time? Plus, it'll give him a great excuse to push Damian to abide by The Code because everyone knows Robin doesn't kill, and he wants to be Robin, doesn't he? This will work out great.

[Narrator: it did not work out great.]

MEANWHILE, over to the side there is Cass, who is going through a bit of a crisis of faith in herself. Maybe we are actually keeping the brainwashed and evil arc and this is a reaction to that. (Or maybe she's just messed up that her mentor and not-dad has died so suddenly, and she wasn't ready yet, but let's go with the former for now.)

And Cass does not have the "I must fix the people around me" instinct that Tim has. She's much more inwardly-focused. She's trying to work-through/avoid her own issues while drifting away from everyone else, and wondering if maybe she shouldn't be Batman because: is she really good enough? She killed people (while drugged and brainwashed, but she accepts no excuses for herself). Her idea for the network fell apart. All Bruce's message told her was to make Stephanie Batgirl. Maybe he didn't even believe in her. Tim has already taken the cowl, and he knew Bruce better and longer, and maybe she just isn't good enough :(

And so we end up with this structure of dramatic irony, where Cass wants to be Batman but doesn't want to want, and is convincing herself that Tim has it covered. And Tim doesn't want to be Batman and is crashing and burning and has no idea how to get this awful little gremlin of a child to listen to him, but he's trying to act like everything is okay because It Has To Be. His mentally stability is kinda hanging by a thread right now and so Everything Has To Be Okay. And Damian is half a blink from leaving Gotham forever because fuck this, fuck Drake, this sucks.

Aaand then something something Tim has a breakdown, or Cass realizes he's struggling hard as Batman. Or Cass has a solid interaction with Damian for the first time and realizes she can relate to and/or help him, or Tim realizes that by seeing them together (because Cass just assumes that she's not doing anything special and everyone can talk to Damian like this) which either encourages to ask Cass for help or causes that aforementioned breakdown depending on his current state--

Or, I don't know, some combination thereof. And Tim and Cass realize this situation is terrible and stupid actually. Tim is like what do you mean you don't know if you can do it; I did this because you acted like you didn't want it anymore, of course you can do it. And Cass gets the cowl and cape and mantle she desperately wants. And Damian has way more respect for her to follow her lead, and she gets him way better than Tim. And Tim gets to not be Batman, which is so much better for him--though he is still very much supporting Cass in the areas she's less secure in.

(And we did start this whole AU with Dick dying, so when Tim gets a new mantle he might take on Nightwing in his big brother's honor. But I want to say he takes on a different name that is still in tribute to Dick but not directly picking up his name again.)

(and uuhhhh also someone else is going to have to figure out that bruce is alive and what happened and how to get him back. whoops)

[psychomachy-ador]

lypophrenia   ( Michael Myers x Y/n)

Hi! Im new to writing fics like these and putting it out for people to see, this is my first fic so its not the best but I wrote it during a depressive episode a while back. I wanted to give it a chance to see the light of day and let ya’ll be the judge! If i made any errors, offended anyone or any type of criticism please let me know and ill work it to your favor ^.^ Please enjoy. 

-------------------------------------------------------

Hes standing in my doorway, only the moonlight shining from my window illuminating him. I stay lying in bed just staring back.

I should scream, hop on my heels, anything to stop what could be my demise but...I can't. This episode has gotten such a tight hold that my body feels too heavy, that even the idea of this being the end feels as though I'm being wrapped in a warm blanket full of comfort.

The faintest of smiles begins to tug at my mouth.

He tilts his head, not moving from his spot yet but makes his knife known by lifting it, the beam of the moon bouncing off of it. Run to your opened window, scream for help, get the fuck out of your head, he will fucking kill you! I closed my eyes instead; I haven't felt a reason to be alive since I was a child if anything this death was a long time coming...no one to mourn me anyways. These few weeks the only thought that has drifted through my mind is how I've lived past my expiration date, not long before I awoke to this horrifying figure I've seen on the news, I numbed away my hellish cherubs with tequila and tranquilizers a taste of nostalgic fire, a feeling of a mother's arms wrapped around her babe after they fell of their bicycle. The fire has burnt my drive to ashes, emptiness morphing this terrifying shape into an angel gliding towards me. He stands over me, our eyes locking us into a moment...those beautiful eyes void of emotion, like a fire I want to get lost in.

  In a fluster, I clear my throat averting my eyes away from the shape. “Hey... if you're here to kill me, I want to say I forgive you...Make it quick is all I beg.”  

Despite the cement feeling coursing throughout me, I stretch my hand out to him with only love in my eyes.

He stared at me for a significant amount of time, enough time to feel pins n needles in my arm, but before it dropped, he took my hand with a grip of death. I sucked in a shaky breath and pull him close towards my face, placing my hand on the cheek of his mask and I stare into the void of his eyes. Eyes igniting the warmth I crave to feel most of my living years eyes I couldn’t break away not wanting to break away... What the fuck am I doing? The fuck am I saying...?  

He pulls abit away to meet my gaze again, his eyes Un wavered with a stoic mask but all I can care about is this tragedy, a blissful tragedy that my foggy mind is praying for. He brings his knife to the side of my neck and slightly prods in, enough that I can feel blood threatening to spill.  

Wincing, shutting my eyes and letting my hand slip away from his mask.  

This is it; this is what I've been scared to do ... what I couldn't bring myself to do... what if-

The feeling of the blade becomes absent, I open my eyes locking to another gaze. "What's wrong? Is it because I'm not fighting or..."a cruel thought crosses my mind causing a sad laugh to leave my mouth as the tears form in my eyes " you also believe I'm not worth it, huh? I don't blame ya; That makes two of us."  

Only response is the grip on his knife tightened, blushed knuckles lightening to white

Either I pissed this guy off by talking or his restraint is wearing thin. Both the same really  

I don’t care anymore though, if he is not here to end my suffering but indulge in his games, I have no interest... scoffing I break away our gaze to face my body towards the wall opposite of him. “Goodnight, Michael.” the last I remember he didn’t leave, the feeling of his presence in my room lulled me to sleep.  

Eyes fluttering open as memories flood in, I shot up looking around my surrounding  

The bastard didn’t kill me after all, I can't tell if the annoyance is from that action alone or because in the back of my mind, I hoped he’d still be here. Smacking myself, I groan into my hands, “of all the things in your life right now don’t add romanticize a killer now.” I swung my legs off my bed and after a 20-minute pep talk, I got up and wondered around my space to see if maybe I had just dreamt everything. Hoping, that it was all a hallucination

Everything on the upper floor seemed untouched, but once I reached the bottom of the staircase, I am gifted the view of my front door wide open, the strong autumn wind inviting leaves inside.  

Huh... The Michael Myers didn't kill me.  

A smile threatening to widen only to drop quickly. Fuck! The Michael Myers didn’t kill me! Is that a good thing? A bad thing? Shit! Hesitantly stepping to the opening of the door thoughts race through my mind.

The feeling of fear and my already torturous anxiety tightens my chest but this faint warmth behind it causes a hopeful idea to take solace.  

Maybe, just maybe, someone actually gives a shit about me... whether it be embodiment of terror.  

[add-the-account-yourcosmicguide]

5:27PM 09/15/2021

🌺🍃 So, I've been having mad anxiety; full blown panic attacks and everything 🙃😐and my depression 😒 it's bad, pretty bad. So bad that I spent this past week in bed every day all day and ight I'm in bed just sleepy, exhausted! 😴🛌💤

🌙🌾 🎃⚡🍂🍃🍁🌟🌻🌟🍁🍃🍂🍂🍃

Ever since New Moon

🌟I have been slacking big time !! !

🌺🍃Well, it's all started when I couldn't upload more than one photo at a time on Instagram and then I just quit Instagram altogether. Which I had been started up this Tumblr account and started a couple Tarot games on here and divination services🌙🔮🎉 but that hasn't been keeping me that happy either which it usually keeps me going and keeps me out of trouble and keeps me occupied and helps me to feel productive and like a normal citizen or whatever you want to call it I don't know what it makes me feel whole I guess I'm not really sure but it gives me the sense of being connected to the world. 🌎

🌺🍃 I've made quite a few pick a card Tarot readings; I mean for ME, that's actually, with everything I'm going through.

🌺🍃 I'm not able to really do Tarot full time because of my depression and due to health reasons my chronic illness. My cancer always gets in the way. I'm not going to say much on it because I don't want to put a damper on your day because I know how depressing cancer can be too everyone.❣🎗🧿🎱

🌺🍃 I've written a small piece of poetry ✨💕it's nothing to flex just a bullshit mood put on paper 😌 I call it Moody Confusion.

Poem: MOODY 😕CONFUSION

Written By: F.R.

❣🌻💙🧿❣🎗❣🧿💙🌻❣

MOODY BLUES IN MY BED

MOODY CONFUSION IN MY HEAD

Feel IT IN My CHEST

Heart DROPS

Beat Rocks

HE S LOST

CANT STOP THESE THOUGHTS

I COULDNT BELIEVE IT

I still Can't Believe It

RUN AWAY , BUT WERE RUNNING IN CIRCLES

WHERE TO RUN

WALK IT OFF

NOW IM IN BED

FUZZY DRAMA IN MY HEAD

LOSING MY GRIP

LETTIG THIS SLIP

MOODY CONFUSION IN MY HEAD

Moody Blues in my bed

MOODY CONFUSION GETS THE BEST

Of me

MOODY CONFUSION

LOST THE REST OF ME

🌺🍃 I did turn to divination as a method to help solve my little problem too; I did an Oracle Reading and I feel it's fairly accurate. 😅 I'm sort of relieved that I didn't pull out Oracle deck for nothing and cleanse it with brand new "Tangerine Cream" incents... they smell oh so Divine!! !

🌺🍃For my Oracle Reading I simply had one thing on my mind: my anxiety and depression 🙃🙂 I wanted to know why I feel this way and what can I do to fix it.

🌈Q::WHATS THE TRUE SOURCE OF MY DEPRESSION AND PANIC ATTACKS?

A: Father Sky- Trust in the Unknown, Earth Element- Stability, Leadership

🌈Q: HOW CAN I GET OVER THIS ?

A: Libra- Balance, 12- Change, Look at the Bigger Picture

🌈Q: What magick should I concentrate on in my mystic craft? Spells I should work on now that woukd boost my self esteem and get me out of this depression and rid me of my anxiety ?

A: 7-Jupiter-Abundance, Middle World, Appreciation, Roots, Meditation Protected: You are safe and Supported While you Change Your Career.

🌺🍃⚡ So, I'm going to very very briefly summarize this up; in case I need to read this again later! This is a personal entry in my blog ... it will be listed under the tag #YourCosmicGuide #PersonalPost #CosmicGuideSays ( all one word except personal post ) . You will just have to bear with mg tagging system to look and search my blog for the posts you desire to see. Because I'm new to this experience here and I'm unsure of how to create links properly like I have seen many ppl use !? Anybody want to give me some guidance on this 🙏🙏???? I'd be ever so grateful.

⚡So let's discuss the above Oracle Cards that I pulled ..

🍀🍃So, basically I see that my anxiety and depression has a root cause and it's my lack of stability and there are issues with myself assuming leadership roles. This could stem from the fact that I do not have as close of a relationship with God/Creator/The Universe as much as I use to in the past ... I used to have a more balanced Spiritual life N I seemed to make time for more religious studies and communication with Spirit; just more of a connection to the other side , even my SpiritGuide, Elm . I've been slacking in my meditation and could use some empowering , uplifting , guided meditation tapes 🙏 I should also be manifesting abundance 🙌 I could do a Spell for abundance even add in prosperity since I just happen to have orange peels 🍊🟧📙 and I've been making my digital grimoire ! Oh yes there's a reason I've been depressed! Because I lost it my hard copy Grimoire or someone stole it. Then someone stole my old tablet my Samsung galaxy tab A , this new ones an A7 . it's not as good.

🎃🌾🌙 I should take my picture of my white pumpkin from the grocery store. I'm impressed with it. I'm shocked that me and Kyle picked the same one out too !!

🌟🍂 I did edit this just a bit . Hope yall enjoy 😉 it. I work hard!!? Actually yah I do. Really it probly takes me on average so much longer than ost ppl doing just a regular upload like this .. and I'm still not done explaining my reading but I'm sure you get the jyst of it.its pretty self explanatory.

🌺🍃So I'm hearing from this reading that I need to gain courage in order to move on and basically I need to communicate with Spirit and the universe my higher self and also God completely need to let go of my need to control things and let go and let God. I need to give off these ideas of perfection and I need to just move on the best I can with what I have left because I will have nothing at all if I don't just pick up here and at least pick up the pieces and move on. There's not much more I can do other than that so I'm going to have a lot of healing to go from here. I'm going to have to do a lot of self-care work and I'll have to put a note to self that I'm going to be doing more Shadow work also so that's October coming and working on working with spirit channeling guidance from the other side.

[zxddy-panther]

Blessed

A/N: Hey guysss! I really feel so bad for not writing at all but I finally have something out for you guys. For all those who are still wondering, yes I am still going to write my Summer Walker inspired BP series. I just have to get all these drafts posted for yall before I post them. This one kind of took a while so I hope you all enjoy it. Also if you want to read all my stories I do have a masterlist posted but all my works are on my wattpad (@zxddy_panther)

Erik X Black!reader

Summary: A breakup between you and Erik has led you both into a deep hole of despair but there is still a light at the end of the tunnel.

Warning: Self harm, depression, some fluff later on

 You wandered the rainy streets of Albany with your dark hoodie, walking slowly in despair. Body slouched and face drooping with sorrow, your mind replaying the moments of weeks ago. The yelling, the harsh words, the tears, and worst of all: the breakup. The relationship truly wasn't bad but you woke up to the harsh reality that it was you. It was your own mind that was pressuring you to believe things that weren't true, that weren't real. It ultimately broke your relationship and you had no one to blame but yourself. It has become your biggest and deepest regret letting him go because you truly did love this man.    

You loved Erik Stevens but you just didn't know if he loved you too.      

*****    

The key allowed access to your cold, dark apartment as you tracked your wet rain boots onto your floor. You slipped them off and set them near the door and headed towards the bathroom, ready to commit yourself to the same miserable regime. Turning on the lights and looking forward, you stared into the eyes of a now lost soul. You were disgusted by the person in the mirror because THEY ruined your conscience. THEY ruined your self esteem and THEY ruined your relationship but you soon realized that they.....is you. Your eyes welled with tears as you threw off your damp sweater and opened the drawer under the sink. Grabbing the razor you quickly put it against the skin of your arm and pulled back with speed. Your actions slowed as you watched the dark red blood begin to rise up from the long cut along your brown skin. A numb feeling washed over you as you continued the motion over and over and over again. Place, push, and drag. Place, push, and drag.

You looked down at your numb and bloody arm with tears streaming down your face. Tear drops fell onto the many wounds and made you hiss in pain. "I've gotta get this shit cleaned up" you thought. Your body makes its way towards the bathtub to fill it with warm water. After you removed all your clothes you looked at yourself once more in the mirror. The now scarred lines that ran across your thighs and your new stripes shone red all across your arm. This will always remind you that you deserved this. Your head slowly turned back to the tub that was done filling up, you headed towards it. Placing one leg after another into the bath water, you allowed yourself to completely submerge yourself in the liquid and drowned yourself in utter silence.    

*******    

Its been about 40 minutes since you started staring at the ceiling fan in your room just mindlessly thinking. You felt so empty and physically drained from all the tears and emotions that you have been letting out. A silent buzzing from your phone woke you from your trance. You rolled on your bed towards your night stand and grabbed the phone to check who was calling you. The caller ID read: Erik. Everything froze and your world stood completely still. You were shocked and had no idea what to do as your hands shook frantically. The vibrating stopped and you took a look at your phone again to see that you had 10 missed calls from him prior to this. "How did I not hear this?" you thought to yourself. "Do I call him back?" The ring quickly started back up and you hit the answer button as fast as you could. Putting the phone to your ear, you took a deep breath and spoke for the first time in weeks.    

"Hello?" you whispered. All that could be heard was ragged breathing on the other line. You sat and listened, waiting for any type of response.    

A hushed "Y/N?" came from the other side. Your eyes shot opened and your heart rate increased.    

"Yes Erik...."    

"Y/N.." you waited. "I-I need you please. Im freaking out baby please come back I cant do this without you. I need you here with me Y/N. Please come back to me."    

You quickly ended the call and shot up from your bed. Throwing on some clothes, you headed towards the kitchen and grabbed your car keys.    

*******      

You arrived at Erik's door step feeling crazy for even doing this. You fumbled with your keys to find his spare house key still attached. Inserting the key into the lock, turning it, and pushing the door open you were greeted with a body curled up in corner of the living room. Erik was rocking himself back and forth, sobbing, repeatedly saying your name. You used your foot to close the door and his head shot up.    

He looked just as tired and drained as you. His once beautifully braided locs were now frizzed and out of braids. Dark brown bags surrounded his eyes as if he hasn't slept for days. You slowly walked towards him while he rose to his feet. The two of you kept your distance, standing awkwardly in the middle of his living room, until his eyes met yours. When your eyes locked it was like your emotions were also in sync with one another. You watched his eyes start to well up and his face begin to distort as he tried to hold his tears back. Closing the distance, you began to walk towards him and cupped your hand on his cheek. His eyes slowly closed as he leaned into your touch, allowing his tears to finally fall.    

"Baby..." he let out. "I-I need you in my life. Its like I-I." His hands began to shake as he brought them up, clenching his fists." Its like I cant live without you Y/N. I don't want to live without you." He looked down and quickly grabbed your hands to hold. "What happened? What happened to us? Was it me? Because if it was I swear to Bast that I'll fix it just- just give me another chance" The volume of his voice started to pick up. "Please come back to me Y/N." His hands gradually rose up to grab your arms softly but, even his gentle touch caused great pain to your wounds. You snatched your arms away and hissed in pain. He looked up at you with a confused look plastered on his face.       

Erik had a feeling to what was going on but, he just didnt want to belive it. You promised him months ago that you wouldn't revert back to hurting yourself. He prayed that he was wrong but  lifting up your sleeves revealed the harsh red lines across your arms. He closed his eyes as more tears fell from his droppy eyes.    

"Y/n. Did I do this to you?" He brought his hand up to your face and brushed your tear away with his thumb.     

"No no. It wasnt you Erik. It was never you." You decided that it was time to let him know the truth. The weight that you've been carrying on your shoulders has gotten heavy enough.    

*********    

"Y/N...Im sorry. I shouldnt have left-" You placed a finger over his lips which stopped his words. Your eyes took him in again once more. His skin and lips still as soft as you remembered. The message was clear as day when the two of you locked eyes. Erik took your face in his hands once and placed his lips on yours. Both of your lips moved in sync while tears came streaming down your faces. He slowly sucked on your bottom lip and let out a small sigh. He missed this. He missed you.    

You pulled away for breath but held fast to his body.      

"No Erik. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I made you feel like this. That I made you feel like this was all your fault when it wasn't. It was mine. I was always so insecure about how you truly felt about me and-" Tears started to choke you up but this time you let them fall. You were so tired of holding back your feelings and thoughts. "And I always felt like you didn't love me as much as I love you."    

The phrase replayed itself in his mind. This was the first time that anyone had said that they loved him. His troubled past had put him in the mindset that he could never be loved. Today was the day that he was finally proven wrong. He always knew that he had a great girl who always found time to see him, even in the worst circumstances. Someone who was always down for him, and someone who would never leave his side.

You heard him begin to chuckle as his smile spread across his face. You looked up at him confused, feeling stupid for confessing your deepest feelings.    

"Whatever Erik" You began to turn away from him and started heading towards the door until he grabbed your hand, pulling you back into his chest. He looked down at you while resting his hand on the small of your back. His dark ember eyes starred deeply into yours, unraveling you as you stood.    

"If only you knew how much I love you. I'm so blessed to have you in my life but I need you to know that-" He brought his face closer to yours, looking from your lips to your eyes. " I love you more than words can say."    

(Please message/repost to let me know if you want to be on the taglist because im still tagging random people :/ )

Taglist: @chaneajoyyy​ @wakandanblogger​ @wakandamama​ @marvelheaux​ @melaninmarvelgirl62​ @killmongersgurl​ @killmonger-dolan​ @heyauntieeee​ @hearteyes-for-killmonger​ @eriksjournal​ @hearteyes-ficrecs​ @justanotherloveaffair​ @theunsweetenedtruth​ @supersizemeplz​

[my-depressed-thoughts]

Sometimes I wonder

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I just disappeared. If one day I just didn't exist. Not that I want to die or hurt myself or anything because I myself have lost too many people and now the sadness of that path; but sometimes you just wonder ya know? How different would the world be? How many people would care? How many people would pretend to care and act like they knew you? What would your funeral be like? How many lasagna dishes will the old ladys from chruch bring your family as they say "I'm terribly sorry for your loss. Let me know if there's anything you need".

Sometimes I wonder if my friends are actually my friends or if im just someone there when its convenient for them. Not that I don't love my friends and value their friendship, but the thought still creeps in every now and then. Do they think im weird and only keep me around to make me feel better? Am I just a person with a car to drive them around? Am I just such a nice person so "shes will always give me the money I need" eventhough shes struggling with money herself. Am I the friend that everyone keeps around just to boost their own confidence in themselves? Am I the ugly friend?

Sometimes I wonder if all I will ever be to a guy is just a means for their own gain. Just another girl to get nudes out of. Just a toy to use and throw away when I'm "no longer fun". I wonder if there are more than just the ass holes who use and abuse girls. More than just a guy who doesn't know that the word NO, means no and to stop. More than just a guy who dates you to look cool infornt of his friends and any small slip up could end in a break up. More than just a guy who only calls and texts you when its convenient for him. More than just a guy who says "you're not worth anything more than just a fick. Good luck trying to find anything more."

Sometimes I wonder if my depression is just a figment of my imagination. That all the trauma I have is just fake and all made up. That my parents are right "in a few weeks you'll be just fine. You don't need a therapist". That I'm not tired all the time for no reason, but just "need to go to bed earlier." That crying myself to sleep most nights always has something to do with me being a teenage girl with "girl problems". That I'm just being over dramatic because that's what theater kids do; make everything seem like the end of the world. That getting out of bed in the morning and finding the strength to keep going every day is the easiest thing in the world. That its all in my head and I'll be fine soon.

Sometimes I wonder what its like to be pretty and popular. To wake up and look in the mirror and not be repulsed at what I see. To look in the full body mirror and not decide which meals to skip today. To not look on social media and wish I was that model or that girl from school. To not go through fifteen different outfits just to find the right one that hides all my "imperfections." To not dress for that guy or anyone else, but to dress for myself and wjat makes me feel happy. To not wonder how long it'll take for me to finally love myself and feel pretty, but to accept that I am the only me like me in the world and thats amazing. To just be able to stop comparing myself to others and just love me.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be to not be the super nice person. Not be taking advantage of. Not be walked over all the time. Not be forgotten until someone needs something or needs to rant. Not be used for someone's personal gain. Not be the shoulder to cry on when they get hurt. Not be a push over. Not say yes all time and stick up for yourself. Not be pushed around. Not be pressured into something you know is wrong. Not be invisible, but be seen and heard. Be a force to be reckoned with. Be strong and speak your mind. Be able to say no. Be you without being told how to think or what to say. Be authentic.

Sometimes I wonder what its like to be myself and not hind behind a mask.

[undeservedfavor]

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The Bucketlist

Mini-Series of Short Stories

St. Valentines Day [EN]: Chapter 4

Two months has passed as they continued to work together until they finish the movie and gained so much awards and credit.

"Woohoo!!! Guys! Let's party! We all deserve it for all the hard work!" Director said.

"I think you guys need to talk about something. I don't know but while working with the both of you, we all feel sexual tension in the air." The celebrity Catherine said to Gisela when she noticed that Dorian is eyeing her from afar.

"H-he thinks he's so hot that he can get everyone. Though he told me he had indecent proposals in the past, 3 SMS, 4 Calls, 6 DMs, and 2 missed calls... He's not that hot." Gisela told the actress.

"Woah, so updated, are we?" Catherine gave Gisela a knowing look and a knowing smile.

"Can we talk?" After the Dorian's invitation, he and Gisela went to the nearest park.

"Whenever, I see that sand box, I remember Plage Solitaire. The most peaceful beach on the planet." Gisela just nodded to what Dorian said.

"I-im sorry." They both said in unison.

Then, they laughed a bit with embarrassment.

"L-listen-..." They said again in chorus.

"You go first." Dorian said.

"No. You should go first." Gisela said.

"Uhm, here you go... C-can we be together?" Dorian asked Gisela who shed tears immediately with the question.

"You don't understand. You don't wanna be with someone so-called 'Damaged Good'. I don't want you to regret it. You don't wanna be with me. You don't need to due to pity. You don't-..." Gisela's anxiety is overwhelmingly obvious.

"We do not know those things yet. Those are 'What ifs', you're far from a 'Damaged Good'. For me, you're a beautiful 'Work-in-progress' and hell, despite the controversies I had, I'm still in good condition, whatever you're going through, I will go through it with you. Whatever you're thinking, I'll help you overcome it. If there's someone who can try and understand you, that's me. For me, this isn't the time to waste time and fool around, this is not like the roles I play, this is real. You are real. I don't care how hard it is but no matter what, I wanna be a part of something so beautiful... A part of your plans in the future. Please. For old times' sake, let me be with you all the way." Gisela, lost for words nodded crying as Dorian also shed tears.

"Gisela, thank you. I love you..." Dorian whispered to Gisela as he caress the woman's hair, embracing her long and tight enough to make her feel safe.

"Let me drive you home." Dorian told Gisela.

They both started living under one roof at Dorian's condominium unit.

One morning, as they're lying on the bed, Dorian hesitantly asked about Gisela's list...

"Dear Piggy... A-are you still gonna continue with that list?" She showed him the list seeing number '6' crossed out.

"Back in the beach, I haven't really finished the list yet. Now, it's done. I actually skipped on number '6' and went straight to number 7, 8, 9 and 10. 'Cause you're not just any random guy... Technically you're my little Dino, but... You're the one." Dorian checked the list out due to his curiosity.

1. Earn a lot for the future. ✓

2. Quit the medical industry. ✓

3. Spend more time with the only family - Merian. ✓

4. Finish writing my novels and posting it to my writing/social platforms. ✓

5. Buy a house in Plage Solitaire at a chosen paradise to 'live and die' for. ✓

6. Have virginity taken by a random guy and leave him clueless afterwards. *Skip this part.* ✗✗

7. Get a writing job. ✔

8. Take care and fully pay insurance. ✅

9. Have the one closest to my heart, help me choose a casket and designs for the tomb.

Plus, choose a church for the blessing and perfect spot in the graveyard/cemetery.

10. Chose a great necrological service speaker. I want a great Eulogy.

Dorian just looked carefully at Gisela's face and embraced her tightly.

Then, she spoke...

"I know. I'm a weirdo." Gisela told Dorian.

"Piggy... You're kinda like scaring me with these things but if this is the way I can be with you, I'll understand, process and digest every single bit of it. I'm not even gonna ask you why you made this list in the first place but if you're ready to not give up on life, I'm gonna go with you if you decided to get yourself checked." Dorian said.

"I'll tell you when the time comes..." Gisela said.

The couple decided to go shopping.

No ordinary shopping but he's only doing it for Gisela even if he doesn't wanna consider the thought.

"You know what? I think this one will be okay. Ah! I know! Maybe I can also have a reservation my own. Same color as I've chosen for you. So when the time comes... We're still gonna go as a couple. Even if it's the after-life." Dorian joked a bit.

"Don't. Even though, couple shirts, couple rings and other couple stuff might be cute, I don't want you to think about a couple casket. You're a born villain. And villains don't die unless it's passed hundreds of years already. Plus, they don't even age. Time flies for them gracefully like a bloodline of a vampire." Gisela joked him back.

The next stop is to the cemetery.

They're choosing tomb designs.

"This is perfect, 'In loving memories of...-" Gisela was cut of.

"We can choose the designs Piggy but it's good to personalize those messages." Dorian said as he wrote things down on a paper.

You have lived a life full of love.

Soon, we'll meet and love again up above.

To the place where there is never-ending peace.

Love,

Your Dorian

Gisela smiled at Dorian and they went to the cemetery.

Gisela insisted to choose a spot.

"This spot is nice. The one near the tree." She said.

"I would already reserve those two spots next to each other. So that I can lie down with you forever when the time comes..." Dorian said Gisela shed tears and hugged Dorian.

"I don't wanna take you in this journey with me. You're not welcome this early to where I'm heading. Sorry for being so difficult but thank you for having number 9 checked off my list." Gisela said as she embraces her boyfriend.

A day after Dorian's shoot, he went home to Gisela and the house was empty.

Their things are scattered all over the floor.

The entire house was messy.

But...

There are no traces of Gisela everywhere.

She's missing.

"My dearest, why end up dodging the bullet once more? Running away and hiding again on me like that." Dorian whispered.

He searched everywhere for her and in a place he thought Gisela would go to.

"She's not here. She went through a deep trauma after she saw her parents died in the car accident. I know my cousin can be a handful, but please, don't give up on her." Merian said.

Dorian just nodded and headed off.

Dorian did not bring his car along to find Gisela in the hardest and most hidden places in the city.

As he was walking along the subway...

He found a cying woman.

With hands on her head and her hair covering her face.

Her hairs are tangled and all over the place.

Her skin's full of dirt.

When Dorian tried to look at the woman's face, he was shocked.

It was Gisela.

He brought the woman home and cleaned her up.

She fell asleep crying.

As soon as the woman woke up, she said she's gonna use the toilet.

"You sure you can stand?" Dorian asked. The woman just mindlessly nodded.

Dorian thought to check on Gisela when she's taking too long.

He did not lose hope until this sight.

He found Gisela lying unconsciously on the bathroom floor.

"Gisela!!!" He lifted the woman and brought her to the nearest hospital.

Dorian waited for hours for a doctor to come up to him and say that Gisela's okay.

"A-are you with her?" Dorian nodded as the doctor approached him.

"I'm doctor Ariel James Devant, Psychologist." The doctor introduced himself.

"We did not ask for a Psychologist, we need a Physician to have Gisela checked!!!" Dorian almost lost it.

"She's not physically sick. Not until now. We have pulled up a few counselling records of Gisela. In fact, I was her batchmate in Med-school, she quit and did not finish Med-school. So she just continued being a nurse. Because of her parent's car crash, her parents died in front of her in a car accident. She then became my first patient. I have checked on Gisela a few times and she never went back to the clinic afterwards. She's so indenial that something's physically wrong with her and insistent that she's nearing death, that she shuts down people who wanna have her checked by a professional or by any doctor. She has been diagnosed with constant fear of death that it lead to a severe case of anxiety." Doctor James said.

Dorian was not able to process what's happening and could not speak.

"People who has Thanatophobia, would not like to talk about death for it has caused them depression. On her case, it's different. For that's the only thing she wanna focus and talk about out of fear. Like her whole entire world revolves on the thought that she might, oh sorry, that she 'WILL' die. She already decided that for herself. Anxiety took a toll on her that her brain was mentally pausing because of too much stress, overwhelming worry, overthinking and unshown worry, sometimes this can cause nausea and problems with balancing." The same doctor continued talking.

"Maybe this is the reason why she 'slipped' in the bathroom. She lost consciouness in the bathroom because she might have hit her head on the floor. Now, there's internal bleeding, we need to have an operation ASAP to prevent brain mass. You have to prepare because the operation is risky, after that, she may go under a few days, weeks or even months in coma. Worst case is never to wake up." Another doctor spoke.

"My apologies, I forgot to introduce myself. My name is doctor Jessie Ulysis Voltaire. Neurologist and Physicist." He introduced.

After that, they all worked on Gisela's operation.

They spent hours to finish it and what they said was true...

Gisela fell into a coma for weeks now and counting.

Dorian held the woman's hand in his...

He got a Pig and a Dinosaur stuffed-toy that he put on the hospital bed beside her.

"Do you remember this Dear Piggy? You're Dinosaur's here to wake you up. You're my nurse. You shouldn't be lying there for a long time, at that bed. You're supposed to be the one who's taking care of me." Dorian said.

The woman was just unresponsive.

She was still deep asleep.

"You should have told me what you're going through. I should have understand. A-are you punishing me for loving you so much?" He said, sheding tears as he kissed the back of Gisela's hand.

[str0ngerafterall]

The end.

When I was 14 I thought that nothing would go my way. That day, I thought my life was over and that was my first attempt. I ended up in the hospital and my parents found my letter. I was only a freshman in High School mind you. Since then, I really tried my best to work on myself. Fast forward almost 7 years later and I feel like I'm in the same boat, but now I really understand where my sadness really came from. Will this be the end today? I honestly don't know. But  I always knew that I'm able to express more in writing than my words.

To my parents:

     I'm sorry I was never your golden child. But here's the reality, your choice to force me to move to Texas was the worst thing you could ever do for me. You know what you did, you were being selfish. You thought you were benefiting me? No, you weren't, you honestly made my life worst. You ever realize since we moved here you never told me ONCE that you were proud of me for anything? Have you realize why I never came to ask you for advice or talk to you because you know .. I'm your daughter? Its because YOU ALWAYS CRITICIZED MY MENTAL HEALTH AND YOU ALWAYS MADE ME FEEL EVEN MORE hatred for showcasing any emotion. That's why our household was always broken. It wasn't me. It was because of both of you.  Remember when you guys fought like every other year to the point that I thought someone was literally going to kill themselves or each other? I literally had to pull it together why? Why would a 10-year-old, or a 15-year-old or an 18-year-old need to see that REPEATEDLY in their lifetime? You guys always manipulated every situation, in my opinion, you guys never opened your eyes and saw how broken I really was. You guys never helped the situation you only made it worst too, in the end, benefit your selfish ways.  You thought you brought me here to Texas because there were more opportunities? You brought me here to restrict me. You took all the opportunities I could have in NYC and forced me to work harder for something I knew at a young age I had in arms reach. You told me my mood changed since I came back from New York and you wanna know something. You’re right it did change cause it opened my eyes and saw how lonely I was. For 3 whole years, one person held me together and it took those 3 days to see that there is someone in the world who really does care about me. I came back from that trip and yes I was depressed cause I'm ALONE HERE. Since I met him, He talked to me every day. EVERY DAY since I moved here, helped me through my panic attacks, attempts and made me feel like a damn person unlike anyone in this god damn family. So, dad remember when you asked that question if you are doing something wrong? Yes, you did something wrong. You never saw how broken you made me. I haven't really eaten in a month. Every time I try to eat, whatever I eat. I puke it. You ruined me because you were selfish. Mom, we were never close, and now I see why. We never shared the same opinions but the reality is you were either angry or depressed and you only wanted to buy and shop. You only thought about making yourself happy and that was it. When you never got your way,  you would manipulate me or dad for your own ways. Don't try to deny it. You know what you've been doing. I think all the “love” you try to showcase was fake and disgusting in the end and that's the truth. You guys w

To Steven:

      I'm so grateful that I met you when I came here. I'm always in debt for the memories of watching football with you or your little parties. Or the idea of you slipping into this family. I'm sorry that we never got to go to a Cowboys and Giants game. That would have been such a memorable time. If anything happened to me, I would want you to tell J for me. He has gotten used to you and I'm happy about that. I rather him hearing the news from you than my parents to be honest

To Angie:

     I’ve known you since 6th grade and you will always be my sister. We found our love for Big Time Rush and you became my concert buddies for so long. From there we decided to be Harley and Joker for Halloween and I wish we were able to do more. We celebrated our birthday as much as we did. I'm sorry that we weren’t able to celebrate our 21. Just know I tried my best. I tried my best for so long. I will always love you okay. You made such an impact as we grew up. -Your worldwide girl.

To JJ:

    You would be thinking, why I would be writing a letter to you although we haven't talked as much since H.S. Well the reason why is because once you knew what I was going through you tried to save me. I'll always be appreciative for that. I'm sorry I didn't fight harder.  I'm sorry that I’ll never get to see A4 or Captain Marvel. I'm sorry that Id never gets to meet Chris Evans or Sebastian Stan. I'm sorry I let you down as well.

To J;

“When every life meets another life, something will be born”

     In the end, I can never really thank you enough for what you did for me. You fell in love with me when I was broken. I never thought that little ole me deserved to be loved. I could never thank you enough for keeping me motivated for so long. You were the only one that gave my life some kind of purpose. When you send me the winter soldier hat and then the Captain America bear. I knew I was worth something, I'm sorry it took so long for me to say “I love you” I feel like If I said that earlier or if I just opened my god damn eyes we wouldn't have had that fight.  Then that thing with her wouldn't have had happened. Then I wouldn't have had those nightmares or anxiety attacks of losing you. I'm sorry for not saying it earlier. I was honestly scared of you leaving me, every time I said that to someone they always left. But you, no matter what stayed. I'm sorry for not being strong enough babe. I know for a fact you are my true love, and you are my soulmate. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I wanted to walk down the aisle in a white dress and see you cry tears of joy. I wanted us to write our wedding vows and end it with “I'm with you till the end of the line” .I wanted us to dance to “Dangerous Love” by 3STM. I wanted to go on coffee dates with you.  I wanted to travel with you.  I wanted to go to all the comic cons with you. I wanted to celebrate all of our birthdays together. I wanted to grow old with you. I wanted to have children with you. I wanted to be happy with you. You made me happy. You were the ONLY  one who made me happy. I wanted to make your mom so happy knowing her son found the one. I wanted to cuddle with T’challa. I wanted to kiss you when the clock struck 12 on New Year's Eve. I wanted to open Christmas gifts with you. I wanted to have pokemon battle dates. I wanted to binge all the Marvel Movies and hear your wild conspiracy theories on what could have happened. I wanted to dress our family up as the Avengers so badly. I wanted to have a house that is decked out in Marvel and DC with Funkos and other merch. I wanted us to create so many memories together. My idea was that once I left Texas and spent the rest of my life with you, I’d have no more worries. I wouldn't have to cry myself to sleep every night with the thought of losing you. Or waking up to the idea of the world hates me.  I love you more than anything. I never thought in my life that I’d find another soul so pure like yours. I know for a fact that there will be moments where I feel like I need to give up. But I know you never gave up on me. I just feel like Im in this battle alone sometimes because of the distance. In the end, You changed my life. You’re right. “The sun will shine on us again”